#healing fundamentalism

[bandofchimeras]

shame

read the joan didion self-respect essay. yeah. owning fuckups, life, w grace.

i think church could have taught that, but instead it taught paranoia, fear, one-upping, image maintenance.

family, too, failed this lesson. then leftism. at the end of the day, all institutions and groupthink will fail because self-respect must be taught by elder, by example, or learned alone and hard won. what have i learned from every space is that truth holds up a mirror to what no one wants to see. and if you grab the mirror of truth and hold it up, then you will become the mirror to others and people will treat you as the thing you show, ceasing to see you. and i've not been mentally strong enough to handle that. to insist, there is someone beneath the mirror. an aliveness with its own power to create, not only reflect. today i also watched a video on self-compassion and shame.

this man saying, shame is the desire to be loved, upside down. whew. lately my greatest fear has been to love myself.

knowing my moments and qualities of arrogance, ignorance, weakness, my desire to go with the crowd or throw everything away for approval. to love a pathetic and snivelling self, out of a lineage with many aspects I am frankly not proud of. what i misunderstood, is that love is not approval. love, that broad deep river, that plain stretching out endless into the sky, the same as a preference, a like, or a nod. approval and witholding, have nothing to do with love. and so by witholding love from self, from the shameful side of that self, until the superego approves of it all....love will never arrive that way.

morality isn't life. everything you hate about someone contains the kernel of what you like, the good and the bad can't be pulled apart to create perfection and undiluted evil, but rather what is fed changes the shape of what one considers good, or evil. if you feed delusion and ego, you see monsters of evil where perfectly average human beings stand, and good in gluttony, rage, theft. life isn't reducible to what you like and dislike. life, strange, horrible, bending, twisting everything you thought would happen, surprising or dulling the senses, life is some wild thing beyond control.

the only response that allows freedom is presence, attention, decision, action. in the essay (which really loses palatability for the bit about the "Indians"), Didion quotes that "people with courage can live without reputation."

I have been so sickeningly worried about people disliking me, getting cancelled or ignored or written off or treated wrong, as a result of early learning to break myself down to fit the will of a caretaker. to be the good kid, the oldest, an example. learning even my emotions could not be safe in private journals, that no matter where i turn there is a world of misery and control. i must find someone to approve of me, and shape me, and tell me what is real - trusting my inner compass, becomes a horrible dangerous sin. growing up in high-control groups, when that control is removed, you are likely to mishandle your freedom, then revile and reject your mishandling, blame yourself, and seek escape or maybe some new form of control. addiction cycles, dependency.

of course to be human, is something else entirely than to be correct and stay in the lines drawn for you that separate you from the other warm and curious bodies, portal minds, the being of other humans and the deeply living environment. to be alive is something no one understands. magic, mystery, horror, delight. making and creating reflections of art is the most natural response to this. so its healing - to get in touch with one's personhood, agency. to create is as natural as to feel, desire, hunger. "i'm not good enough" misplaces the purpose of life and art as being good & impressive when being impressive is in fact an occasional byproduct of presence + discipline, while being fawned over can reflect that or the bias and preference of your peers. good old Taoist parable - to create the highest form of art one must forget praise and blame. the point of living isn't to be "good" at it, its to do something you respect, something interesting. - Toni Morrison, Aiyana Goodfellow, Ismatu Gwendolyn. what a shift in headspace. i hope it sticks this time.

[ohwhatagloomyshow]

I know & remember very little about RTD as a person but I do remember he left DW to care for his dying partner and that his partner has since died. And the way that this is so evident in his approach to 14 and 15, it’s phenomenal.

2005 Davies was interested in high drama, big stakes, the roughest heartbreak that could exist. And now he’s lived it, and it feels like his approach to the show has shifted as he has shifted!

14 getting to rest, Wilf alive off-screen, Donna’s memories returned - 15 leaving his trauma and his heartbreak and his pain with 14 in order to begin again fresh and new and ALIVE…it is all so meaningful to me!!!

[scintillyyy]

i actually think so much about how drake manor meant *so* much to tim. a solid home after years of feeling adrift at boarding school. reconnection with his dad. family. warmth. love. at the same time, it helped tim hide his secrets from his dad. the purchase of the first real home he ever had with his dad was also the place doomed to cement the wall between them, never allowing them to be truly open with each other. the secret door in the basement of this same home leading to the batcave and tim's life as robin. drake manor was so *special* to tim and was so emblematic of his character in a way--the solid, steady family home tim had always dreamed but also its hiding the secret of his double life deep within its underbelly. and fanon turned it into a cold and awful prison bereft of love that tim must escape from. screaming into the void.

[idk-bruh-20]

Irondad fic ideas #154

CW: this one's pretty gruesome. read at your own risk 

Peter is a young child who's been kidnapped. His parents and/or his aunt and uncle were killed and he was taken. Along with a bunch of other little kids, he's been held captive and experimented on.

When the Avengers suddenly bust the kidnapping operation, the kidnappers try at the last second to destroy their research. They gas the small room where the kids are being held.

It's Iron Man who ends up blasting through. What he finds is horrifying. All but one of the children are dead.

The one who's left is just sitting among the bodies, crying, shocked, terrified. Iron Man carries him out of there, then once they're safe from the gas Tony steps out of the suit to comfort the kid while he's given oxygen.

Little 5-year-old Peter Parker imprints on his savior hard.

He just went through an unimaginable amount of trauma, then Iron Man burst through like an avenging angel. This is the first time he's ever felt protected in his memory. Tony holds the crying kid, and the kid can tolerate no one else near him.

This becomes a slight problem when they get back to base. But Tony can't find it in him to let SHIELD take the kid away, let them strip him of this one tiny bit of comfort. He keeps seeing all those other kids when he closes his eyes.

This one needs him right now. And if "right now" eventually becomes "this is my son," well. Who could've predicted that.

[mwagneto]

also just. what an incredible writing decision. from a meta standpoint too. 10's literally the saddest loneliest most pathetic character to ever be put on television who dies miserable and begging for his life. insanely good story from a writer who was deeply traumatised as a gay man who lived through the aids crisis and genuinely didn't believe in happy endings. 15 years later bringing that face back and undoing one of the worst things he's ever had to do so he can have a peaceful life with his best friend and finally be happy. all while literally splitting him off from his new self who gets to go off on his own and have his own adventures in a brand new show they're restarting from season one again. phew. i am losing my mind

[add1ctedt0you]

What's your version of Jiang Cheng Gives Up? *chinhands*

Hiii! My version of jc gives up is very boring: he gives up on wwx and their shared past and moves on.

An overexposure to yunmeng bros reconciliations has brought me to one conclusion: I don't necessarily need them to reconcile. (Not because: 'jc/wwx is so toxic!' or 'jc/wwx deserves better than that selfish asshole!'. Like, I always roll my eyes. They are two horrible human - fictional- beings who deserve each other!).

But imo, post-canon jc has two priorities:

Jin ling

Himself

First point: he needs to be there for jl. Not only politically! But emotionally too. jl is going through a rough time jc too experienced: a loved ones betrayal. jc knows what it does to you. And listen, one of the things I love about jc is how he is trying his best. Always. In particular when it comes to people he loves. ('but he did a lot of things wrong', thank fuck! He is a traumatized character who behaves like a traumatized character. This scene explains so much about jc imo: jc knows that not having an adult in your life who believes in you is shit. So he tries to give space - in his way- to jl, while fighting his urge to protect him, because the last time every one of his family member was on a battlefield, they died.) So yeah, he is going to try being there for jl, in his imperfect way. And that brings me to point two.

jc has to recalibrate himself, to be there for jl: what he thought were truths, are revealed to be lies. All his life was a lie.

That's my favorite jc's speech. It's visceral, it's painfully honest. He is literally saying to us his state of mind: he is feeling guilty, wronged and confused.

'who am I?' hits hard, because who you are when you have built your life on lies?! Should he feel guilty?! wwx has made this huge sacrifice for him, but he has hurt him too: what should he feel?!

So, because I interpret jc as someone who overthinks, I want him to lose his mind over his doubts and start a journey of healing (or, what realistically someone without therapy can manage).

I want him to look at Lotus Pier, his home, and think: 'dang, what I have managed is incredible'. I what him to realize: 'what wwx made for me was an huge sacrifice, but my feelings are valid too'. I want him to be, not happy, but satisfied, when thinking about his life. And I don't need him and wwx to reconcile, because I like the bittersweet taste their broken relationship leaves in his mouth.

So, my jc gives up is: he learns to live with himself and jl, peacefully.

[messiahzzz]

fandom: headcanons don’t have to be canon-compliant. you can headcanon whatever you wish without seeking canon validation.

fandom: ok. yes. Nice 👍

also fandom: anyway here is why gale is actually poly/could be poly if he manages to heal from his monogamous beliefs and why he would love to be a father. he’s also a straight man because—

[morelikebaldursgay]

Concept: Gale having lost weight after absorbing the Orb due to it draining him/how his mental health went downhill when he isolated himself in his tower, and slowly regaining it thanks to Mystra and Elminster’s fix and his improving mental health as he travels with the party.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

I need to scream about this event (Friends Like These) because I truly was just. Not expecting the impact it would have--I don't remember if I read this one in Japanese???

I've only gotten the first two stories so far but I just.

Jeanne and Mozart are of course, as adorable as ever; there's no question about that. But Jeanne dropping this line:

"It galls me to sound so much like le Comte, but I am grateful to God that I met you."

I. [prolonged error 404 sounds]. I'm not sure there are words to convey the simultaneous endless wheezing laughter but also AWWWWWWWW energy that consumed me in milliseconds. Wildly oscillating between "LMFAO ah yes, sentimentality? Disgusting I'll drink to that (blasts Bring Me To Life)" and "BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM DEEP DOWN AND HE LOVES YOU WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH."

I just can't get over how Jeanne says exactly one thing about liking another person and he's like, 'ew dad gave me cooties >:///// how dare he subject me to the mortifying ordeal of hope.' Jeanne I love you. Jeanne I would die for you. Middle schooler with well-meaning stepfather who begrudgingly accepts his kindness and grows for the better, but would rather perish than admit it. I never knew I needed this found family dynamic so freaking bad until I started playing this game. 11/10 I could watch this forever

More Shenanigans below the cut, + the Shakespeare and Comte Event Story:

Also a sidebar because I just can't help myself, I know I've talked about it before but: Mozart and Jeanne's friendship is so endlessly precious to me????? I love how Mozart is so NO I'M NOT NICE REEEEE (turtles) and Jeanne is like :> bestie. It's so damn cute watching Mozart squirm at being exposed for being sweet and Jeanne just truly grateful someone cares about him?????? How much Jeanne and MC dote on Mozart despite being together, how it only strengthens their friendship? Literally I'm over the moon, nobody touch me I'm tender!!! Jeanne deserves to live peacefully without being a tool of the state/bad actors!!!! Mozart deserves to be loved and happy without being defined by his musical success!!!!!

LIKE. Not to be dramatic but I could watch an entire saga of these two being friends and being adorable. Fresh serotonin every single time. Did I know Jeanne was going to share his food? Absolutely. Did I expect MC to think ahead and pack two lunches? Absolutely not. Was I delighted both times? Beyond what you can imagine!!!!!!!

I'm going to stop here at the risk of repeating myself over and over but wow. Jeanne's capacity to see to the very core of people, for better and worse, and how it lets Mozart be meaningfully seen. Mozart's recognition that Jeanne can mean well to a fault, worried that he might be taken advantage of--and how Jeanne can build trust with someone for the first time without being afraid. Can you hear me wailing and bawling

Naturally, I acquired the Comte and Shakespeare one next. Now, I'm gonna be honest, I saw their names together and went "oh dear God. What am I walking into. Why do I hear boss music????" But I gathered my courage (more like I'm just too feral not to gather info abt Comte, but I digress) and experienced something that left me literally on the floor because I just. Did Not Remotely Expect This Series of Events.

So like. It starts off by being pretty normal and cute and I'm like awwww baby boy (oh he's a little fked up actually) giving gifts to dad. I'm sensing an ulterior motive but right now just let me have this. Also adorable that Comte is struck dumb by it, that's really cute I'm taking notes. And then. I was hit with the veritable ANVIL that was these next few lines:

deep breath Okay. Where to begin.

I LOST IT at the implication that Will was like. Holding back from ending Comte's entire life with mere words. WILL????? WILL P L S??????? (lowkey wanted to hear the roast snickers) Why am I sensing a pattern that Comte loves spicy people??? Love this for me

I also started losing my shit the second MC was mentioned and you could just hear the record scratch/kill bill sirens. Comte really out here like "son say WHAT about MC." I can't get over how he's always so ready to throw down for both MC and Sebas at any moment. Anywho, naturally I come to the conclusion that Will was just trying to one-up Comte to mess with him by giving MC gifts. It was the one thing I did anticipate--and, fool that I was--thought it rendered me safe from what happens next.

DEAR READER. DEAR READER I WAS SO WRONG. I WAS SO TERRIBLY WRONG.

BABY GIRL. BABY GIRL ON WHAT LEVEL IS THIS NORMAL BEHAVIOR. I'M LITERALLY CRYING RN?????? THE FACT THAT I CAN'T TELL IF HE'S JUST BEING SILLY GOOFY OR HE LEGITIMATELY MEANS IT OR SOME COMBINATION OF THE TWO????????

Mans out here like "I lost everything in the war (literally) let me spoil my girlboss dream gf in peace. Vlad took everything in the divorce let me have this pls." I just. The mental image of him chasing Will around the house. The potential implications of him doing this to protect them both (I love you Will but you have. Problems). The HILARIOUS AND DUBIOUS qualifier when he says "dressing up MC is nearly my entire reason for living." Comte I love you more than life itself but that does not make this any more normal. What are you doing my beloved vampire jkhlhalfdhjfg 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Also an honorable mention moment, because it was endearing:

Just the img of him wandering around with sparkly eyes and toting home little trinkets for everyone??????? He's so cute, that's the most grandpa behavior I've ever seen. I was chortling when Will was like "sir you made me sit in that cluttered carriage followed by another carriage full of stuff all the way home IT'S TIME FOR REVENGE (affectionate)."

I also love how Comte is like "Do I have a problem? Maybe. Will that stop me? Only when the sun cataclysmically swallows the earth."

Literally half of the members of the house are like "why are you like this" and he just heeheehoos his way out of it. How does he keep getting away with it. Can you tell I love him. Dazai isn't the only clown in this house honks Comte's nose

[pharawee]

Did you know you could touch a soul?

[hillbillyoracle]

I meet a lot of people who are adamantly opposed participating in Christian rituals from a cultural or traditional perspective - going to services or doing traditions they grew up with. I fully respect it.

It did remind me recently of growing up with hearing about how terrible Cheaster Christians were (Christians who only go to church on Christmas and Easter) and the absolute disgust leveled toward anyone who wasn't a "true believer".

It makes me wonder how much of that emotional reaction to holidays, services, and traditions is rooted in the idea that it's only for "true believers"; that to participate in it would automatically connotate an agreement with hardliners.

I spent part of today updating the holidays in my calendar for the year and I included several Christian holidays that either my partner or I are just partial to - even though Buddhism and paganism forms the widest base of our practice.

There is something delightfully taboo about participating in lent or advent simply because it's a thought provoking tradition and not as a performative act of faith designed to keep me in good with a given church community. Which is just to say - it's an option worth considering.

[ziracona]

Literally cannot get over how much incredible potential for a friendship Deacon and Preston had, that we never got to see develop. They like what each others’ factions do, despite whatever smaller hangups they have about the group, and Preston can get SO involved in the Railroad questline if he’s the companion you take? The two men have both been sole survivors of their faction being betrayed and massacred and had to rebuild from the ashes with a mountain of survivor’s guilt and fear and self-loathing? Like literally the one person who could understand what you’ve been through is sitting across the table at Sanctuary Hills boys; I am BEGGING you to have a conversation. If they ever just, like, got stuck on a foxhole together for two days, it would fundamentally change both their lives and I think I deserve to see that.

[i-spilled-my-soup]

the confusion of the staff of asklepios and the caduceus of hermes. asklepios who reigns over medicine and healing. hermes who reigns over trickery and commerce. asklepios who resurrected the dead. hermes who guides the dead to the underworld

[neuroticboyfriend]

i am so glad i have fostered a following where i can make these posts that would get me metaphorically shot on sight anywhere else. we're all about radical disability advocacy over here. boot up bitch. we're making a better world one person at a time.

[bonetrousledbones]

just once i would like to see a fic where it’s acknowledged that flowey isn’t asriel anymore but that isn’t a bad thing

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

laymen often comment that the primal forces of magic in fact seem rather underpowered; that it is only by marrying two or more of them together that one can achieve any kind of usefulness. this is the result of abandoning depth for breadth, but an understandable decision. the difficulty encountered is that in order to excel, truly excel at any one primal force, one must alter their understanding of reality fundamentally.

mages of space view the world as expanses, more easily manipulated once grasped, for good and for ill—they become impossible to disorient, but extremely dense objects feel, to their magic, like impossibly vast distances. time mages, on the other hand, eschew distance and see everything as a long line of history. a mage of time can take that line and follow it back to its source, or use it to choose the future they find most preferable.

to a mage of light, the world becomes not space or time or air or gravity, but rather: a series of laws. of facts, and extrapolations following the facts. but seeing is only the first step: the second is daring to take one's own pen and strike out the lines of the contract deemed undesirable.

it is then perhaps unsurprising that the students of light were the ones who set their sights so high. believing fully in their own right to determination, they identified the chief bottleneck in their abilities and sought to remove it. each magical force filters through a divinity—save now for one. the mages of light have killed their god.