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shoechoe · 4 years

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why jolyne is an underrated jojo

so basically, i love jolyne and this is why

warning: spoilers for jojo’s bizarre adventure, stone ocean

Jolyne is a character who i think gets a lot of shit in the fandom that she doesn’t really deserve. she’s the one female jojo out of the eight so far, and the jojo fandom does tend to have a big sexism problem, in my opinion. she’s often called the “worst jojo”, and gets hated on for criticisms that i honestly don’t believe to be valid. her being in one of the weaker and less-liked parts doesn’t help with this, either (while i do personally think stone ocean is one of the less-good parts overall, it’s not at all bad, and the problems i have with it don’t have to do with most of the characters).

additionally, i see a lot of people who just think jolyne is “boring”, and ask things like “What’s so special about her? She’s just the girl JoJo.”

So, here are some reasons why i think jolyne is pretty great

First: her stand, Stone Free

Stone Free is Jolyne’s stand with its ability being to turn its body (and by extension, jolyne’s body) into string. At first glance, this sounds like a relatively weak ability, especially compared to the previous jojos (Jotaro with his ability to stop time, Josuke with the ability to heal and repair anything except for himself, Giorno with his ability to create life from inanimate objects and eventually the extremely broken (but cool) Gold Experience Requiem). However, I find the way that Jolyne utilizes her stand to be incredibly interesting and versatile.

She can use string to patch wounds mid-battle and recover from injuries quickly. She can use it as a rope strong enough to hold her weight. It’s fast enough that it can deflect bullets, just like a bulletproof vest. She can use it as a bridge to walk on top of bodies of water. She can swing from building to building and cling to walls. She can use them like handcuffs to chain her together with someone that she doesn’t want escaping her range. She can use them to detect movements and set traps, since she can feel anything that touches the string. The string can also be compacted together to become stronger. When fully compacted, it can hit with roughly the force of a small, extremely fast meteor. It can also be used like a spying device to transmit sounds however far the string goes.

I think the culmination of this versatility comes in the fight against C-Moon. C-Moon has the ability to turn everything it hits inside-out, so a hit to the chest would normally be fatal. However, Jolyne evades this with her stand, by turning the affected areas of her body into string in a “mobius strip” shape.

Mobius strips have no “inside” or “outside”, so it can be continuously hit by C-Moon with no effect on her. This is probably the most unexpected thing Stone Free could’ve done with its ability without feeling like a deus ex machina. I found it to be very cool.

There is also the song that Stone Free is named after, which is the Jimi Hendrix song of the same name. Songs that Stands are named after tend to reflect their characters/abilities, and Stone Free is no exception to this.

The lyrics that stuck out to me in particular were: “Stone free, to do what I please Stone free, to ride the breeze Stone free, I can't stay I got to, got to, got to get away right now Yeah, alright

Listen to this baby A woman here, a woman there, try to keep me in a plastic cage But they don't realize it's so easy to break Oh but sometimes I can, ha I can feel my heart kind of running hot That's when I got to move, before I get caught

Hey, and that's why, listen to me baby, you can't hold me down I don't want to be tied down I got to be free Aw!” This, to me, clearly represents Jolyne’s desire to be freed from her prison, which she calls a “Stone Ocean”. Also, her carefree nature and desire to be free from restraints, perhaps? She’s always been a delinquent that never follows rules, and thus gets judged and considered a “lost cause” by the adults around her for that. This also ties into the song, where Jimi talks about his experiences of being judged for the things he likes to do and the clothes he wears. “Everyday in the week, I'm in a different city If I stay too long, the people try to pull me down They talk about me like a dog, talk about the clothes I wear But they don't realize they're the ones who's square”

jolyne is a jimi hendrix stan

I also like the overall design of Stone Free (although you don’t see it a ton, due to it usually being unraveled). To me, it looks kind of like a surfer, wearing something you would see at a beach. That makes sense, as it ties in to the “ocean” theme going on in part 6 (Stone Ocean, the area in the final fight is an ocean, the prison being referred to as an ocean of stone, etc). And I also like how you can see little openings of string inside the shoulders, neck and arms. It’s all just nice attention to detail.

Also, it has shades.

nice.

Overall, Stone Free is a really good stand. I like how it’s utilized throughout part 6 (nothing it did felt like an asspull, unlike Star Platinum), and its song ties into the plot and Jolyne’s motivations nicely. It wasn’t underused, and while my biggest problem with Stone Ocean is probably the fights, watching jolyne work out how to use her string in the optimal way to defeat her opponents was pretty fun.

second: her personality

I legitimately love Jolyne’s personality.

(Jolyne knowing multiple types of ways to say “fuck you” is very in-character)

She’s feisty, headstrong, quick-thinking, angry, tough yet also emotional, carefree, a rule-breaker, and honest, and while she is intelligent, you can tell that she’s also still just a teenager, with her dependency on approval, her tendency to be gullible, and the irresponsible things she tends to do without thinking them through properly (mostly just in the beginning, though). She has quips in battle and fun little scenes in-between the action that I found to be very entertaining.

jolyne is angry; to be fair, gwess literally tried to murder her. so fair enough.

the iconic tray jolyne

I’ve heard several people call her and characterize her as just being a “female jotaro” in terms of personality, which... huh? I didn’t see that in her at all. Jotaro in part 3 is stoic and quiet, and Jolyne is anything but that.

Of course, they do share similarities as Jolyne is Jotaro’s daughter, but I don’t see how she’s just a copy of Jotaro. (I actually found it refreshing how Jolyne wasn’t just another “stoic” jojo, since we already had Jotaro and Giorno for that). It sounds like those people only paid attention to the fact that she says “yare yare dawa” and has the same stand cry as her father.

I also liked the chemistry she had with the main jobro of the part, Hermes.

While I don’t like Hermes too much on her own (she has to be one of my least favorites out of all of the jobros, i’m regretful to admit), her interactions with jolyne are very fun. I like how they started off as sort of aggressive to each other due to the hostile environment created in the prison, but then quickly joined sides and became friends. and i loved the emotional moments they shared with each other, too.

this scene between them was so sweet

In particular, I thought the scene where they decided to defeat a stand user by throwing rocks was hilarious.

I also thought their interactions was easily the best part of the Underworld fight.

if only hermes hadn’t been written out of the story throughout the entire middle part of stone ocean i wanted more cute hermes, foo fighters and jolyne moments

But yeah, pretty much all of the scenes with Jolyne were entertaining to me thanks to her personality. She’s not quite as good as Joseph in terms of quips and gags, but she’s pretty far up there.

Also, her character design and aesthetic? On-point. I love how she wears clothes with webs on them, it gives me major spider-man vibes and fits her stand ability. Butterflies are often used in her outfits and to represent her, which I think is cute and fitting. It reminds me of Giorno’s ladybug theme in his outfits as well.

I also noticed that she wears her prisoner jacket uniquely to the other prisoners.

Instead of leaving it entirely open or buttoning it up completely, she only uses one button to compliment her outfit. I think that’s a nice touch.

She probably has my favorite hairstyle in the series, and the heart on her chest is a noticeable continuation of the whole heart theme going on with the jojos- Josuke with his vaguely heart-shaped jacket opening, Giorno with a more tightened version of the heart, and Jolyne with the heart in the center of her outfit with a butterfly-dagger design added onto it to fit her aesthetic.

Basically, she’s visually easily my favorite out of all of the jojos, with Josuke taking second place. Araki did a good here.

third: her character arc

Jolyne, at the beginning of Stone Ocean, started off as a delinquent and even sort of whiny. The absence of her father in her life caused her to become dependent on approval of those around her, and even commit minor crimes for attention. She fell into a trap that was set up for her, and ended up being falsely accused of murder and being sentenced to 15 years in prison for something that she was entirely framed for. A lot of people have criticized Jolyne for still being upset over her father being absent, despite being a “grown ass woman” (as one person i saw put it). First of all, Jolyne is 19 years old. That’s still a teenager, as far as I’m concerned. It makes sense that she would still have issues stemming from having a parent being absent in her life. Also, a lot of people have jumped to Jotaro’s defense, and while it does make sense that he would’ve needed to be absent from her life to keep her safe... to be honest, I think Jolyne still had a point here.

The conflict between Jolyne and her father shows off Jotaro’s biggest flaw in my opinion, which is his total lack of communication skills. He loves Jolyne and cares about her deeply, but needed to be absent from her life or dangerous stand users would likely have come after her when she was young and defenseless. However, this was never communicated to Jolyne. I think it makes perfect sense that she would feel bitterness towards Jotaro, who from her perspective never seemed to care about her at all, despite her needing that to have a healthy childhood. He didn’t even visit her when she had a fever at a young age that she could’ve potentially died from.

Jotaro also accidentally comes across as rude and dismissive of Jolyne’s safety even when he meets her to break her out of prison, which probably only solidified the thought that he doesn’t really care about her in her mind.

jotaro not understanding feelings

A lot of people have criticized Jolyne as having her character being completely defined by her “daddy issues”. However, I feel like that takes up a lot less of her than people think it does. She does have a noticeable bitterness towards her father and it’s an important part of her character, but once Jotaro is put in actual danger and it’s up to Jolyne to save him, she noticeably matures almost immediately. after that, jotaro is actually out of the story for a while. her “daddy issues” are hardly mentioned at all, and she’s mostly just focused on recovering his stand and memory discs and saving him.

throughout the story, all of the enemies she faces helps her become stronger and accustomed to battle, and she meets several allies along the way (Weather Report, Hermes, Foo Fighters, Anasui, and Emporio. All of them are misfits in a way, just like her). In particular, I loved the Planet Waves fight, where she fights a dude three times her size who has the ability to cast down meteors wherever and whenever he wants. She gets injured, badly, but manages to pull through. It was definitely one of the better fights in the part.

Another moment showing Jolyne’s growth that i want to spotlight is something that Jolyne did during the Sky High fight, which was easily the highlight. She is so determined to defeat Rikiel and get to the priest that she sets herself on fire to prevent Sky High from using its ability on her.

I don’t normally get chills while reading, especially if it’s something like JoJo’s, but... wow. Jolyne is a certified badass.

near the end, when Jotaro has finally recovered and finally reunites with Jolyne, he notices Jolyne’s growth as a person.

This is what completes her character arc. In the beginning, she was immature, dependent, and a delinquent. Now, she’s matured, and unlocked the true Joestar in herself. This is a big reason why I like Jolyne more than I like jojos like Giorno or Jonathan. Don’t get me wrong, I love every jojo, but Jolyne actually had growth as a character, which would make sense considering all of the life-changing events she’s went through in such a short time (one of my main criticisms for Giorno would probably be that it would’ve been more logical if he did have more character changes, and it probably would’ve made him more interesting. especially considering he’s a fifteen year old boy joining the mafia. He’s not a “Gary Stu” or anything and i think that criticism is stupid, but I think it would’ve given him less of a “gary stu” feel to a lot of people. lol). I don’t think Jolyne in the beginning of the story would’ve been willing to set herself on fire just to defeat the enemy and save her dad. Now, the confirmation from her father on her growth is all the approval that she needs.

Then comes the very bittersweet ending. Jolyne sacrifices herself to let Emporio through to the new universe created by Pucci with Made in Heaven. This lets Emporio defeat Pucci, and gets sent to an alternate universe where Pucci never existed. Jolyne’s name is changed to “Irene”, she’s dating Anasui, and they all have no memory of Emporio. It’s very much a mindfuck.

A lot of people absolutely adore this ending, and a lot of people absolutely despise it. I’m not here to discuss if this ending in general is good or bad, but I would like to say that there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding it.

First off, a lot of people have said that Jolyne is the only jojo who lost to the main villain. This is not correct, because Pucci didn’t “win” here. Her sacrifice allowed Emporio to go into the new universe that Pucci briefly attained, and after pucci’s death, the universe was recreated once more. All of the main cast gets put into better lives where they’re not dead or on the run from the police, and Emporio is the only one who remembers the events of the part. The Joestar curse is lifted (hence why the “jo” is taken from Jolyne’s name). If anything, Jolyne won, but at the sacrifice of her memories. And even if Jolyne did “lose”, so did Jonathan- arguably even moreso than her, because he only managed to hold Dio back for a little while instead of stopping him for good.

(I would also like to mention that a lot of people think that the Made in Heaven reset killed everyone- it didn’t. In fact, it only even messed with the part 6 cast, since it is specifically only a universe where Pucci didn’t exist. This does not effect any other part except for Stone Ocean and maybe minor aspects of Stardust Crusaders, because pucci didn’t have a hand in those parts.)

I would also like to bring up some snippets of Araki’s afterword at the end of Stone Ocean.

“Jolyne Cujoh, our protagonist, felt a deep void in her heart too because she was missing the paternal love that brought her to befriend the shady guy that caused her to be imprisoned, after causing a car accident. But what’s important is the progress she makes because of that, because of the actions she has to do to save her father she becomes the strong woman she is. If we look at this story as a telling of the protagonist’s growth, her story had ended.”

“Jolyne Cujoh’s memories might be different in the reset of the universe but her love and her feelings are still there, they became something eternal and I’m sure she’ll keep growing wiser and stronger.”

I believe that this would mean that Irene’s soul is the original Jolyne’s soul, and while her memories of the events of Stone Ocean aren’t there, she still has the feelings of growth and maturity that she gained throughout Stone Ocean. The growth is still there, it’s just the events that aren’t. Thus, her character development was not erased by the ending.

So, to sum it up: I love Jolyne’s stand, personality, design, and growth throughout the story. It’s very sad to me how underrated she seems to be as a character. While she isn’t my favorite jojo (that would probably be Josuke, but I have trouble deciding, to be honest), I probably have the most to say on her than any other jojo, and I think people should appreciate her more.

also, she better be green in the anime god damn it

#jjba #jojo #jojo's bizarre adventure #jolyne jjba #jolyne cujoh #jolyne jojo #jolyne jojo's bizarre adventure #stone ocean #jojo part 6 #analysis #jolyne #VERY long post #if only i put this much effort into my school english assignments #why pucci is an underrated villain coming next maybe #that's not guaranteed it depends on how i feel #shoe talks a lot

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migilini · 3 years

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What The Heart Wants - Charlie Gillespie

Request: The reader is madly in love with Charlie who is her best friend but he’s dating and in love with her sister yk? Make it angst and sadcharlie

a/n: Sorry it took me so long! I’m so stressed with school atm so i bearly had time to write at all. I still hope you like it and that I went into the right direction. Don’t know how angsty it is.

Words: 2.3k

Warnings: a little angst

MASTERLIST

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As a teenager you spent a lot of your free time watching pretty much every rom-com that was out there, the thought of true love ignited a spark of hope in your heart. You loved the way that the characters on screen always were meant to be together, the way their love just seemed to be or else life isn't worth living.

Maybe your image of love was flawed and unrealistic. Maybe you always fell in love with the idea of a person rather than the person itself. Maybe your standards were too high and maybe that's why all your previous relationships didn't seem to work out.

And then you met him. Kinda ironic really, love, at first sight, was always your least favourite trope. But there he was, sitting alone at the table in the otherwise crowded cafeteria. His brown hair fell into his eyes while he played with the mashed potatoes on his plate, he was bopping his head to something. You took a big breath, collected all your courage that you didn't use growing up and sat down across from him.

The stranger looked up with furrowed eyebrows "S-sorry there isn't another free table." you stuttered and sent him a small, flustered smile. The boy took out an earbud "Sorry?" you started to blush, your eyes wide "Oh I- sorry I- was uhm... is it okay if I sit here?"

"Yeah yeah sure." the stranger answered and shot you a smile and gosh was that smile beautiful. If this was your way to die then so be it. "I'm Asher by the way."

"Y/N. Nice to meet you." you waved with three fingers.

After that Asher took you under his wings, introduced you to all his friends, took you to parties and most importantly helped to grow your self-confidence. You always knew who you were but with him, it was the first time where you could actually show off the real you, there wasn't a part of you that you had to hide to fit in.

Nevertheless, he wasn't your best friend. You two spent a lot of time together yes, but you didn't share a lot of secrets, your topics always being superficial. Yet, the crush on him only grew. The two of you were picture book perfect. Asher threw you into the water at the beach, screamed to lyrics in the car with you or even went shopping with you.

"Just this one party I promise," he whined one day, shoving more dresses in your chest. You huffed "Is this why you agreed to come thrifting with me? To get on my good side?" Asher smiled cheekily "Guilty. I know you don't know the people there but I really want you to go." he tried to persuade.

You looked up at him through your eyelashes, trying to hide the smirk on your lips. You liked to see him throw a little tantrum. "Fine. But you'll pay for my dress."

The host of the party seemed nice enough and you hoped to god that the guests were the same. LED Lights illuminated the living room in a dark purple. The music blaring so loud, that you could feel the beat in your heart. "Y/N this is my good buddy Charlie. Charlie this is Y/N one of the baddest people I know." Asher screamed over the music, one of his arms draped over your figure. The party just getting started as more people walked through the front door.

You gave Charlie a hug and smiled up at him. "Hi!"

"Hello." he smiled back and your breath got stuck in your throat for a good second. Suddenly Asher had competition for the prettiest smile in the world. The boy with the mischievous spark in his eye really challenged your rankings.

You didn't intend to spend the night practically glued to Charlies hip. Asher was nowhere to be found, probably smoking somewhere with his buddies and the two of you were just naturally drawn to each other. He goes to get a new drink and a minute later, without discussing it beforehand, you do the exact same thing. Or you go on the small balcony to get some fresh air and Charlie joins you a couple of minutes later, casually leaning against the railing next to you.

"I figured that I would find you out here." he nearly whispered into the night. "Yeah it seems like you've been stalking me the whole night." you teased with raised eyebrows, a slight smirk playing on your lips. Charlie's hand immediately covered his heart. "I would never! And there I was, thinking I had the honour of you stalking me."

"Alright, Teds. If it makes you happy yes of course I was chasing after your pretty ass." you winked and he let out a heartful laugh.

"Teds?" he asked.

You shrugged your shoulders and slid down the railing, your front, facing the glass doors. The party inside was raging, with people dancing, kissing, talking and laughing. Only the faint noise of the newest pop song carried its way out to you.

"You're wearing a shirt with many teddy bears on it. It only made sense."

You and Charlie spent the rest of the night outside, the conversation flowing naturally and if there was a quick silence it wasn't awkward at all. Lucky for you, the party was in the middle of the summer so you didn't mind that much that you forgot to bring a jacket outside.

After the party you and Charlie spent a lot of time together, going to museums, road trips, camping or even just hanging out in one of your apartments. Inert weeks he was your best friend and over the years of friendship, you started to develop feelings for the Canadian.

He had helped you calm down right before your first date with Asher, who finally had the guts to ask you out and picked up the pieces after you got broken up with. Asher's last words before he left, never leaving your mind: "Truthfully I think you're in love with someone else Y/N. You just haven't figured it out yet but I know. I look at you the way you look at them."

Several months later, on a trip with your family and Charlie, you realised that Asher was indeed telling you the truth and you had been slowly falling for someone else.

It was late evening, the stars started to creep up on the sky, while the sun sank lower and lower behind the trees, illuminating the world in a pretty blend of oranges and pinks. The group sat around a small fire that cracked every now and then, filling the air with warmth. Everybody was exhausted from the big hike. Trees rustled somewhere in the background. A soft melody caught you off guard, completely ripping you out of your own thoughts.

Charlie sat a couple of feet away from you, across from your sister and mother. He was playing his guitar with no special song in mind. He settled on a melody that you didn't seem to recognize but you didn't care. Charlie looked beautiful.

Over the last year, he grew out his hair, which was now in a loose bun in the crook of his neck, some stray hairs falling in his face. The warm light from the fire highlighted his features in the exact right way. His eyes sparkled with joy. Before he started to sing the song, he looked over at you and smiled. It was the same smile that haunted you since then. The one that made your heart beat faster, the one that still took your breath away, the thing you couldn't shake off and also the one thing you couldn't live without.

While you stared at Charlie during the duration of the song, your heart swelling at the sight of him. He did the same to your sister. His eyes memorising every crook of her face from her arched eyebrows down to the roundness of her lips.

It didn't surprise you at all. Growing up everybody either wanted to be her or be with her. She was naturally gorgeous with long, luscious hair and an amazing body. She had decent grades and was always nice to everybody. The embodiment of the girl next door. It was hard to build a reputation that wasn't ‘Sam’s little sister’.

Looking back, that was probably why you liked Asher's attention so much. It was the first time someone saw you for yourself.

But what did shock you was that eventually, the two became a couple. Looks-wise they fit perfectly together that much was true but you couldn't wrap your head around them when it came to personality. From your romcoms, you knew that opposites attract yet Sam and Charlie are more than opposites. Not to say that you didn't love your sister, you really did, that was the main reason why the news shocked you so much. He liked to travel the world, not to be tied to one place for a long time. He was spontaneous and carefree, always down for a new adventure or a new adrenaline kick. Sam on the other hand wanted to take over dad's business in her hometown where she already went to school and college. Ever since she was little, she dreamed of a big family that was gonna grow up in the house she grew up in. Sam didn't like leaving her little bubble, her days always planned down to the second.

Neither of them noticed your heart breaking a little more every time they kissed right in front of you or the longing looks you gave Charlie. Both tried to include you in their adventures, taking you to the cinema with them, to IKEA and Disneyland. Still, you couldn't shake the feeling that they weren't quite meant for each other. However, you kept your mouth shut just, always smiling their way, not mentioning that Charlie never went on Road Trips anymore or that Sam seemed to smile less.

“I think I want to marry her.”

You nearly spat out your drink, the fist in front of your mouth only holding back a little. The water dripped down your arm and onto the couch.

“What now?” you coughed and turned to the other person chilling at your apartment.

“You heard me right. My acting career is taking off and all the travelling made me realise that she is the one.” he smiled with a lopsided grin.

You furrowed your eyebrows, desperately trying to hide the hurt that flashed in your eyes. After trying, again and again, to get over Charlie you lost all hope. No other man even slightly compared to him, you tried to forget about him you really did. However, your heart believes that he was the man for you.

“Don’t the two of you want completely different things?” you switched into the best-friend mode, locking the jealous side away.

Now it was Charlie's turn to be confused, “What do you mean? We’ve been together for nearly two years now.”

“I just mean that she never expressed the desire to travel the world. She wants to have a big family and be a mom. Is she gonna travel to your jobs with you? Are you giving up your career to be at home with her? I just think there are so many things the two of you need to discuss before you take this step.” you expressed your concern while playing with the hem of the blanket covering you.

He stared at you for moments. Neither of you was speaking, the gears in his brain working in overload.

“Look I’m not saying that you shouldn't ask her to marry you. If that's what makes you happy, be happy. It's what I care about. I’m just saying you have a completely different view of the world.” you rambled, your eyes not meeting his anymore.

Was he mad? He normally spoke his thoughts out loud.

He lets out a sigh as he rubbed his hands over his face “Yes I know that you're right...but my gut is telling me that she's the one...” your heart cracked “and I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't ask, even if it ends up not working and you were right with your concerns. But knowing us, we will make it work. Compromise a lot, build a worldview together as a married couple.”

He smiled at you and your heartbeat quickened “I also kinda need your blessing.” he sheepishly said, slightly biting his lip.

You tried to keep your thoughts clear. “My blessing?”

Charlie nodded excitedly “Yes! I figured since you’re my best friend and she's also your sister I would ask you if you would be okay with that… I know we never asked if you're comfortable with us dating in the first place.”

“Oh, Teds," you whined, using the old nickname you had for him. "No need to ask me! As I said your happiness is my priority.” you smiled so wide that it hurt your cheeks, blinking rapidly to dissolve the tears that formed in your eyes.

He tackled you in a bone-crushing hug, placing wet and sloppy kisses all over your forehead. “Thank you. thank you. thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!”

Growing up, watching the Notebook, About Time, 10 things to hate about you, PS: I love you and many others, love always seemed inevitable, somehow it would work out. You would've never thought that you would be jealous of your sister's engagement. Who would have predicted that both sisters were gonna fall for the same guy, that one sister was happy while the other hated herself for yearning for him as well?

The 25-year-old version of you despised the 15-year-old version for loving these goddamn rooms, for believing in a soulmate, one true love, love for everyone but mostly for believing in an own happy ending.

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Taglist: @alluringworld

#charlie gillespie #charlie gillespie x reader #charlie gillespie fanfiction #charlie gillespie fic #charlie gillespie fanfic #charlie gillespie imagine #charlie gillespie x y/n #charlie gillespie angst #charlie gillespie x oc #charlie gillespie one shot

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caw4brandon · 3 years

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Love From A Love Song

For someone who has no prior experience to love or dating in general. I do love to talk about love a lot. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that (again) I’m a hopeless romantic or it could be because of the music I consume.

I’ve talked extensively about a certain band I listened to on repeat as a teen mainly so I can scream, rap and growl. There’s the thing. [What Linkin Park Was and Always Be] But, I also like things poppy and lovely. Music runs in my family.

In one room, I hear K-pop but alone, I’m listening to Japanese. Next to me will be English of the Rap or Pop variety and downstairs will be Chinese/ Cantonese. My family loves music and no matter the age difference and variety in genres. We always find things to like about each other’s taste.

One part of the music world that I hear a lot when I’m not screaming my lungs out are love songs. Each song I’m about to present is from a certain stage of a relationship. Yeah, this is going to be that kind of post. If you want to play along. Just add the phrase “Love from a Love Song” and tag me if you want me to find it. I’m curious about your tastes.

- {Love Song} by Sara Bareilles -

I believe there's a way. You can love me...[Full song here]

While not its intended stage but when I think of putting my guard up from love. It would be Sara Bareilles. Released in 2007, {Love Song} is one of those catchy tunes that keeps getting stuck in my head for no absolute reason. Perhaps its a song the resonates with me whenever I have a crush on someone.

Crushing is a rather sweet thing. Its that typical story of being close to someone only to realize that there was an intended or unintended purpose to drop the three big words. Its up to interpretation as to what it means and people sure did their number on this particular song and its intentions. There is an official answer though. According to Bareilles, it came from her bad co-writing experience with the record label she was signed to.

“The co-writing sessions, I think for me, they came at a time where I was still so unsure of my own edges. In a way, I was still sort of discovering who I was as an artist at that time.” [Sara Bareilles Reveals The Real Story Behind ‘Love Song’]

As for me, {Love Song} its a song about learning how to love instead of being in love. Instead of feeling butterflies, writing their names with yours over and over again for some self-insert fairytale. The song is reminding me not to get all bright eyed and lovey dovey to a person too soon.

Love songs are very personal. To write one is to be vulnerable and no one likes to be vulnerable. Crushing can be sweet but also frightening because of the looming uncertainty. Despite the lyrics {Love Song} is, in some way a love song. Its about loving the self and the value of one’s self and how can you love others without loving the self? Which is funny to the song I’m about to pull next.

- {心做し} by Chouchou-P feat. GUMI -

こんなの知らないよ　独りにしないで (I don’t know this, don’t leave me alone)...[Full song here]

Love can make us do stupid things. That’s a given. We all have crushes. Some of us don’t but I digress. For the ones that do, we eventually had to say our peace. We get anxious over this uncertainty and that uncertainty leads to recklessness. However, it can only go two ways. Either the person is going to say yes or no with an "I'm sorry" at the end. Most of the time. It's the latter.

This Japanese song is a heartache song. {心做し} translates to {Kokoronashi} an expression meaning 'somehow’ or 'somewhat’. Crushing can be scary and the scary part is to hear the unwanted words from the people you loved, cared and admired. More so if you treated them like a friend. Its an exhausting feeling to realize that while its good to finally tell the person how you feel, it doesn’t hurt less when you hear that they don’t feel the same.

For Chouchou-P and the many other emotional cover artists that covered this song with loads of emotion. (you can look it up) Its about reliving that painful memory of experiencing a wound not even a bandage can fix. Giving your heart only to see it stabbed before your very eyes. Heartache is perhaps more harmful than pain itself. Not that I have experienced it. I made it abundantly clear but if I am soft as a pillow when something from fiction has a breakup scene. I can’t imagine the deep gashes people who actually dated suffer from.

Reading too much into this, a fellow Amino User; Karu! expressed that while it is soul crushing, there is a silver lining. According to him. {Kokoronashi} is about not letting others love you. Despite the 'hurt' the Main Character did to this very special person, the MC is confused about why the person she is confessing to, a He (based on most of the official artwork from the creator) is still around. There’s a sense of regretful guilt to be accepted from the MC. Believing themselves to be incapable of being loved for all the harm that they bring. If you prefer that darker and also brighter take, here’s the link. [An Analysis of 'Kokoronashi' by Karu!]

Heartache hurts and many, many songs cover this but perhaps the more harmful side to a heartache is being incapable to love again. However, what happens when you do?

- {Bubbly} by Colbie Caillat -

every time I see your bubbly face. I get the tingles in a silly place...[Full song here]

WE’RE ON CLOUD FREAKING NINE! Call it young and dumb love, call it finally meeting “The One”, call it whatever. Love is the greatest gift anyone can give to a person. Its just refreshing to wake up and feel the comfort of a significant other lying next to you and holding you to sleep. Its great to realize that you can have a rock to fall back on, to keep you supported and vice versa.

Being in love is a childish thing. It makes you feel like a kid again because you become soft and relaxed. You become at peace knowing that you’re with that certain someone who is both your best friend and your protector. I could have picked the duet {Lucky} that the artist, Colbie Caillat did with Jason Mraz. [Full song here] but I decided to use {Bubbly} because, its a lot more comfortable.

Love can occur in many ways, from people you least expect from and that is what this song means. Its sweet, its used for more than just being in love with someone you’ve met in life that became special. It could also be about being with someone in your family. Like a sweet grandma, a protective dad, a best buddy sibling or a soothing mom. Its love in its most comfortable state and its calming for the body and the soul.

- {最重要的決定} by 范玮琪 Christine Fan -

人生完美的事太少. 我们不能什么都想要 (There are very few things in life that are perfect. We cannot possibly have everything...[Full song here]

Here’s a special piece, on one particular relative’s wedding. My mom practiced and sang this very song during the celebration ceremony as a gift to the newly wed couple. {最重要的決定} translates to, {Most Important Decision}

Love, even if you did eventually find “The One” is still imperfect. There will be fights, hardships and external challenges. “Love is about two people but doesn’t mean there is no room for others.” That’s what a certain movie my younger sibling watched said. For a long time, I struggled to understand how love works for married couples who bicker but still love one another regardless and I believe this song sends that message.

Its a testament to remind me or perhaps, us that love comes from what you value most. Sure, its not perfect but is good...still good and its what keeps the relationship going. Its so easy to breakup when you are young and dumb. Maybe it was a silly argument or maybe it was the self being uncertain. Or perhaps, the person did deserve the break because they were horrible.

But love is a journey. Not a feeling, but a journey and eventually that journey leads to Forever and even in Forever, it still is a journey. I still don’t completely understand how do old couples survive for so long aside from the commitments they shared when they tie the knot but that night, this song became a reminder.

Perfect is rare and often it fails us. The message I hear from my mother’s singing is a message to say. “Perfect does not exist, WE make things Perfect.” As of now, I still have not found that special one but if I eventually do. This song would be a significant reminder that I carry with me. As for now, my more...pessimistic side will conclude with this last note.

- {Lower Your Expectations} by Bo Burnham -

We all deserve love. Even on the days when we aren't our best...[Full song here]

Alright, I’ll get out out of your hair. Let’s be real here. In a world where all things are connected, a genuine relationship will be difficult find and get. Love is not as dreamy as it sounds, it can be uncertain. Love is not perfect but love is a feeling that no other feeling can bring. Let’s not kid ourselves here.

We suck and want Love to help us suck less. Love is far from simple but it can be as simple as picking a person and loving them. Love is perhaps the best thing about being human. We are all capable of changing a special person’s life, giving them pain and happiness when we choose to. We express them in its various stages and while It may not be perfect, so is everything.

Its important to know that love, no matter how you learn the expression or what stage you are in, is less about the feeling and more about the commitment. Love is an adventure and its no easy task but for those who do. Love becomes the will that keeps us going. I won’t end with that preachy talk about “love yourself first” but rather, I will end by saying. “Love is difficult and imperfect but love can also be just as simple.” What I address here is but a fragment of the meaning of Love. Perhaps we may never completely understand love or maybe we don’t have to. But there sure are many ways to express them.

Thanks for reading

- B -

#Love From A Love Song #love song #romance #love #sara bareilles #chouchou-p #gumi #kokoronashi #colbie caillat #bubbly #christine fan #bo burnham #lower your expectations #howls moving castle #anime #love story #pixar #music #Radio Music

34 notes · View notes

4dtk · 4 years

Text

stuck with you

pairing: enemy!journalist!haechan x journalist!reader

genre: angst, fluff, humour, enemies to lovers (hope i did the trope justice tbh TT)

warnings: cursing, f words lmao, i mention stranger things a lot in this??? mainly bc i just finished watching it w a friend. i also only use ‘haechan’ when narrating the story so i don’t get confused! the timeline for this is Very Weird as well bc like i didn’t consider how long a pandemic would last…… so Uhm. pls just excuse the weird ass time sequence. also referenced yangyang’s bastard child behaviour from dream plan where he packs his things messily and kun had to mf intervene and yangyang had the audacity to go like “see, this is how u get ppl to pack for you, now i don’t have to do anything” 💀

word count: 8k (a headache to proofread...)

A/N: first time trying an e2l trope and im not sure if it was done ok??? i didn't want it to feel too rushed so i tried to spread out the days as much as i could!! i also included small snippets of their life w the other so it won’t seem like the fic is just focusing on the e2l concept! was inspired tons by the lyrics of stuck with u by ariana grande and jb, so that song is definitely something you can listen to if you read this! hope you enjoy ^^

[day 1]

"you're insufferable," you groan, reluctantly handing over the remote control for the hotel's television after some unsuccessful scrolling.

hotels never exactly had much range anyway.

you were very much already dreading the time ahead with the male, sadly having been stuck in quarantine not even half a day with haechan.

offering to go to a neighbouring country to report on the rising covid-19 situation, you didn't expect your rival to tag along, no doubt seeking to craft up a better story than you would.

and so, you were now nudging the remote control into his waiting palm with a roll of your eyes. you hoped it emphasised your annoyance with him even a little, standing up to prepare a cup of tea before bed.

"are you going to keep watching television while i sleep?" you ask a genuine question, peeking at him through the mirror of the vanity that sat outside the bathroom.

he just shrugs with a tired sigh, turning his attention back to the cartoon playing in front of him.

"okay, well, keep to your side of the bed and i'll stay in mine. we need to be social distancing, anyway."

there's a hint of "okay, loser" mumbled under his breath, but you pay it no thought as you finish your tea and brush your teeth before you skillfully set up a fortress made out of pillows.

"ow! what the hell?"

"your leg was in the way, jeez! move it, and i'll stop annoying you," you said, putting up the last of your requested pillows beside where haechan currently sat.

taking one last glance at haechan, you wondered when the lockdown in your country would last before they start letting people fly in. for now, you were trapped with the nightmare himself in a sad hotel room, with only a bed to share.

"goodnight," he tells you, but the sardonic way he says it irks you to the point where you settle for silence instead. the only thing that drones on are the voices of the cartoon, soon fading as you feel into a dreamless sleep.

[day 4]

"this virus thing is probably driving me insane by day, and you, lee haechan, are adding on to it!"

"no headlines, no idea what style to write in, minimal pictures-" the doorbell to the hotel room interrupts your current rant, prompting you to storm off to answer the call with an annoyed look.

"what now?" taken aback by your quick response, the housekeeping girl retracts with downturned eyebrows and a voice hesitant to speak. your roommate comes to the rescue almost immediately when he's heard the commotion.

you watch as he sends her a smile and a wink, deflating when he's let her in to clean up the room. you're not sure why you can't keep your eyes off the both of them as they converse, blaming it mostly on your hatred for the male.

with the last of her duties fulfilled, you offer to help her with the cleaning supplies as an apology, but she cuts you off almost immediately. there's a linger in her step, however, as she walks the short hallway to the door, evident in wanting haechan to send her off as he received her.

turning back to call him, he holds up a hand as he types down his opening lines to an article, prompting you to shoot the housekeeper girl another apologetic look.

"sorry again," you mumble, letting out a sigh at how this was all playing out. day four and you were already making enemies with the hotel crew.

"maybe day forty-one is where i fall in love with lee haechan," you scoffed, perhaps listing down all the unfortunate things that could happen while you were in quarantine.

one of them was catching feelings for your rival.

rolling your eyes, you settled on the bed to catch a few Zs as he continued to work on his article, though you weren't exactly sure about the weight your words held.

[day 9]

"haechan, what is this?" you ask with an eyebrow raised, his dirty boxers barely hanging off your finger.

haechan only groans at that, knowing you were relentless in the laundry. even in a pandemic, he was sure you'd prioritise your clothes first.

"jesus! don't go picking up my underwear just like that!" he snatches it from you, folding it neatly and placing it next to where his luggage sat. unfortunately, yours was right beside his.

"you think just because you're doing the laundry you're able to look through a man's prized possessions-!"

your jaw drops, "it was near the sink, haechan! i don't want to look at the checkered pattern on your boxers when i brush my teeth. i don't want it near my face either."

haechan groans yet again, running a hand through his hair in frustration before turning back to the computer, a blank document opened up in front of him.

despite gathering findings, interviewing healthcare workers and serving the public alongside frontline staff, he had deleted every attempt at writing.

there's a rumble from the bathroom, perhaps from your upset stomach or the choked pipe, but sometimes they sounded too similar he couldn't tell it apart. haechan stifles a laugh when there's a "fuck!" echoing behind the door, though unsure if he should help you or not.

when haechan hears another crash, he comes running without hesitation with a face morphed into furrowed eyebrows and a tilt of the head.

"don't just stand there, you moron!"

haechan snaps out of his daze to assist you off the floor, swiftly helping you even more off the floor as he carries you to the bed with a stiff one arm. you notice his other hand hanging awkwardly, probably not knowing what to do with it before you feel the soft sheets under your butt.

he gets to work within a minute, fishing for an ointment and some bandages his mother forced him to bring. he remembers it as he always has: a caring mother looking out for her son, maybe a little too much sometimes.

haechan is thankful for his mother, now, for the stray bandages laying around in his pouch.

you watch in silence as he cleans the cut with alcohol, wincing when his hand hadn't even touched your skin.

"my hand isn't even on your skin yet! jeez, calm down."

you shake your head, holding onto his bicep to halt his arm, "just use water, please."

exhaling in exasperation, you wonder if you've pissed him off tenfold when he leaves for the bathroom with a side-eyed glance, though not hostile.

"problematic," haechan whispers, dabbing a wet cloth over the wound carefully before applying the ointment and securing the bandages.

"your words contradict your actions so much, haechan. i never know what you're thinking." sighing, you pull your leg away from his hold after he's done with the bandages, making your way to the bathroom and leaving him in his thoughts.

"why do you want to know?"

haechan gets silence; the lock of the bathroom audibly turns to signal another wall put up between the two of you. with another frustrated groan, the boy plops down on the chair to work on his article with the right words forming in his mind.

even if he was the one who asked, he wasn't sure if he was ready to tell you.

[day 13]

"stranger things is freaking me the fuck out, man!" haechan whispered, ignoring your pleads and groans to continue writing.

"haechan! give me the damn laptop! i don't even know why you brought an HDMI cable when it doesn't work with the television system here!"

"well, we got one that matches it, didn't we?" he said, eyes peeled to the screen that showed the young boy, will, in the upside-down.

"you mean you did!" you shoved him, ready to disconnect the devices before haechan held you back, clearly entranced by the next sequence of eleven being able to see will in a pool of salt.

"ugh, god, i don't even know why people watch the show!" you spill with sourness, knowing the show was praised for its excellent acting and writing.

haechan raises an eyebrow, turning to you with a strangely slow speed.

"stranger things have received multiple awards, and you didn't give any other reason. are you scared?"

when you struggle to find words, haechan laughs at his revelation, hiding his pearly whites behind his hand as he continues to make fun of you.

"yeah yeah, i'm scared! so what?"

"'oh haechan! oh no~ i'm terrified, would you care to provide some comfort?' jeez, don't worry, man, i'll protect you." there's a cheeky glimmer in his eyes and a cocky smirk on his face which you very much want to wipe off with the disinfectant in the toilet.

"it's not all that bad, c'mon! give it a-" turning back to the tv, the sudden attack of the demogorgon lashing out at the camera has the male screaming, hiding behind your body in fear.

"you were saying, mr superman?" you deadpan, unlatching his arms around your waist as you sink deeper into the sheets with your phone in hand.

[day 17]

haechan thrashes in his sleep, almost knocking the wine glass you had in your hands when he crosses over the pillow barrier you made.

"what in the hell-" you winced, keeping an eye on the male should he have any more outbursts that would ruin both wine night and the stuff you were working on for the article.

with tipsy hands, your keyboard keys unconsciously write out a letter of disdain and confusion regarding haechan, the boy sleeping next to you with a cute drooling face and curly hair.

with beautiful tan skin like that, you wondered why he didn't model instead. with a voice as impressive as his, you wondered why he didn't sign a contract. with natural hosting capabilities, you wondered why didn't fucking get the place of a talk show host.

because man, he can get pretty bothersome sometimes.

[day 20]

the next few days pass by with a breeze.

despite not knowing how the current pandemic will turn out, you find haechan more bearable, his habits being dumped in the past with a wave of a hand.

petty arguments occur, of course, until one of you brushes off the matter like nothing.

today was one of the days you won't back down.

there's worry evident on your face, eyes scanning through every last document on the stupid laptop. fingers travel fast over the keyboard as the realisation slowly dawns on you.

with slumped shoulders, you take a deep breath before turning to the male.

"what do you mean you accidentally deleted my article? i know we're sharing the damn laptop, but we established that you stay on your files and i stay on mine."

the other waved his hand, "i did not touch any of your files, (y/n), i'm not sure what happened."

"how could you not know? what the hell? i had good content on it, but now i have to spend more hours reorganising the news and interview answers and everything else in my notes. thanks, lee haechan."

"maybe if you weren't so caught up in me trying to sabotage your place in the publication team, then you would've believed me." he shrugged, taking a seat on the one bed like nothing.

you scoffed, arms crossing across your body. "funny how you mention sabotage because a villain never reveals their motive. that's why you came with me, didn't you?"

haechan stuck his tongue out to the side of his mouth, eyes blinking and rolling like an 8-ball that it sickened you to the core.

"villain? i'm the villain?"

"was i not clear?" you hiss, stepping closer to the male.

"no, make it more precise, please. i wanna hear it word for word. spit it out, coward."

with every word, you plunged your finger into his chest, looking deep into his eyes. "you're set out to take my place for department editor, where you know i'm best at."

"and that department would be...?" he crossed his arms, looking down at you with scorn you wished you could slap off his face.

"the..." you gulp with his face all up in yours, eyes boring as he awaits your answer, no doubt losing confidence at your realisation.

"the world depart...ment? you love to travel, right?" you trail off, biting your lip in anxiety when you remember how he was on the plane. you don't exactly remember whether he was more excited or scared.

"wrong! try again."

"politics?" you propose.

haechan's face contorts into disbelief, with his mouth twisted with perplex and eyebrows furrowed. "me? politics?"

your mouth runs dry at the roadblock you've faced, and as that annoying, stupid smirk grows, your hatred for him increases by the charts.

"naming departments i'd rather die than join, running your mouth, accusing me of deleting your files..." haechan shakes his head dramatically, rolling his eyes and letting out a fat sigh.

"you think i wanna be stuck here with your infuriating ass? god, you're so entitled, aren't you? aren't you?!"

"talking like you own the place, talking like you're the only one in this world, talking like- mhfh-"

within three angry steps, you were across the room.

within three booming steps, your hands were on his face.

within three significant steps, you were kissing lee haechan.

"you never learn to shu..." with horror, you're brought back from the trance with widened eyes.

"oh, god, sorry. what. what the hell. what the fuck?" you whisper, pushing the boy away with both hands in a panic, trying to highlight your scorn for him by wiping your lips on your sleeve.

had you liked it?

the other scurried to the balcony in a frenzy while you collected yourself in the bathroom, although no amount of water could calm your nerves.

with shaky words in bed, you both agreed to never talk about it again.

[day 25]

"hey, i can see your damn annotations on my article, (y/n). will you stop it?" haechan whines, making you second guess if he was joking or not.

for the nth time that day, you roll your eyes and proceed to sip from your cup of gin tonic that haechan desperately wanted you to try. it was... a refreshing taste, but hell, you wouldn't drink this even if it was the last beverage on earth.

"i'm just giving my feedback, be thankful i didn't bring up that stupid kiss five days ago. bleugh."

haechan falls quiet at that, fingers lingering over the keyboard as he typed out some note with the speed of a sloth's.

"hey, call me donghyuck. that's my actual name," he mumbles, glancing at you through his bangs while he awaits your reply.

"donghyuck? is haechan an alias?"

the boy shrugs, "i don't know, maybe. my friends gave it to me when i was younger, and i just stuck with it."

"full sun? your friend gave it to you, sure." you grin with a gesture of your hand, almost spilling the gin in the clear glass before breaking into small laughter with the other.

[day 28]

"hey! hey, what the hell?" you whisper, feeling the boy huddle up to you in lightning speed.

"what is wrong with you?" you whisper-shout, nudging him off your body as his phone screen remains as the only thing illuminating his face.

"sorry, i- i was watching stranger things while i was shitting and after i cleaned up... i heard something and bolted out of there."

"so now you're butt naked? hyuck, ew!" you groan, thankful for the sheets that were covering your body and his junk. his reluctance to get off you didn't seem to bother you as much as earlier, but you still wished he wasn't literally naked against you.

"go put on your underwear, you big baby. i'll be here when you come out. no demogorgon is going to come out, for real."

"no no, i was watching season two and it was that big shadow thingy that freaked me out. can't you feel this poor boy shivering?" haechan sighed, eyes never leaving the corridor that led to the bathroom.

"i can, and i also can feel your dick. please get dressed, or you're sleeping on the floor," you mumble, pulling the sheets to cover your freezing body.

[day 31]

your face hits something soft, cuddling into it even further because of its warmth before you realise there was only one other thing that would be warm in the room.

haechan.

your breath shakes, and your eyes widen as you pull yourself away from his embrace. your subtle movement leaves him thrashing around, though, and his arms tighten around your figure slowly and endearingly.

gulping, you will your hands to stay in their place, opting to freeze to death although there are hints of heat crawling onto your face.

when you wake up, you find that his hand's in yours and maybe you were searching for one wrong thing. an anomaly, an exception. it fit in yours perfectly, however, his tanned skin glowing lightly under the rays of sun filtering through the curtains.

you hoped he didn't realise the small shift of your fingers as they enclosed around his hand.

[day 32]

"what are you doing out here?" haechan asked quietly, peeking around the sliding door before joining you on the chilly balcony. it wasn't much, but it was still different and refreshing from the old, stagnant aircon air that was blowing in the hotel room.

"can't sleep," you whisper. you had your arms around your figure cautiously, as if it could protect you from all the bad, evil and terror in the world. at this point, you weren't sure what was it that you were feeling, but it sure didn't involve entertaining haechan's teasing.

luckily, he bit his tongue from making the usual snarky remarks.

"it's two in the morning, what's up?"

you shake your head in reply, watching the empty streets as the last light in the apartment across you switches off. sure, at two in the morning, pavements were dusty clean, and the birds were sleeping, but there would always be younger boys smoking along the road, or a drunken group of friends laughing about a past memory.

now that the pandemic forced everyone into their homes, everything was pretty much dead. there wasn't that excitement you felt when you saw a late-night kiss shared between two lovers or the snug hug of a child to his father who was working overtime that day.

"nothing's up, hyuck, it's fine. you can get back to sleep if you want."

maybe today you two were the one causing the ruckus this time, though. haechan may have let his words slipped, and at that moment, you knew you regretted that bloom in your chest when his lips met yours.

"you're so hard to read, (y/n). i want you to be able to trust me, tell me what's going on."

"why do you wanna know anyway? so you can expose me of my bad habits and weak points?" you whisper, eyes trained on the flickering lamppost a few yards away.

"there you go again! again with the sabotage?" haechan scoffed, exiting the small space and stepping back into the room of mixed emotions.

"is this just about your feelings for me?"

haechan laughed, "my feelings? might i remind you that you were the one who kissed me full on the lips twelve days ago? what was that all about? i wanna talk about it, even though we said we wouldn't! i wanna talk about why you hate me so much. i wanna talk about why your emotions are so contradictive!"

your mouth hangs open as you sputter out a heated reply, but instead gets interrupted with a knock on the door.

"keep quiet, you damn teenagers! i don't need your petty fights at two in the morning!" with padded feet, the guest returns to his room and slams the door to emphasise his complaint. swallowing, your mind goes blank as it focuses only on one question.

"why do you want to know so much lee haechan? what are you gaining out of this? if it's not sabotaging, then what is it?!" you whisper, standing your ground as with the first argument.

your throat is clenched up, and your fists are balled up tightly with nails digging into your palm. your heartbeat races like a fast car and your breathing's laboured in the cold room. there's no movement for a second, though they feel like minutes on end as haechan struggles to answer your question.

"what is it, lee donghyuck?" you cry out again, the sparkle in your eyes shining brightly from the tears of your never-ending dispute. he wished it was from the moonlight, instead. he wished the two of you were laughing over the rim of wine glasses and sharing the mischievous glimmer of the moon in your eyes.

"it's nothing. don't mind it." the other turns to catch up on sleep, leaving you to bite your lip.

"now you're doing it, now you're the one doing it. just tell me, you dumbass!" you mumble, pulling on his pyjama sleeve and tugging you to him.

"i like you, okay! it's out there now, i like you a lot, but you make it feel like a crime to do it," haechan whispers, "whatever. fuck this."

"no- what- no, we'll talk this out." you propose, adjusting your grip on his wrist with the curl of your fingers.

the male shakes his head and snatches his arm back, "no, forget it, and i'd prefer if you left me alone, (y/n)."

even with the warmth of his body next to yours, your body felt frozen and stiff. even with the thick duvet cover over you, you felt out of place in the stale hotel room, with colour becoming black and white, they merge into grey as the moonlight shone without a care for your problems.

there's action on the balcony when your eyes flutter open in the morning, noticing the quiet way haechan observes those rushing to work as well as social distancing officers making their rounds.

his eyes look hopeful and youthful, different from the tired ones the night before, or rather, this morning. you hadn't forgotten the angry neighbour banging on the door, and you definitely hadn't forgotten about how much you've wounded haechan this morning.

with a soft knock, you let him know of your presence and you just miss the way his eyes soften at your bed hair and messy appearance. his gaze turns hard in a second as he turns back to the apartment across yours, the balcony door showing your reflection of how hesitant you were.

haechan wished he could take your hands in his and accept your apology in a heartbeat, but he stayed seated and waited for whatever you wanted to say.

"don't run off, please." there's a shameful hand on his shoulders, and he's dying to get up when he sees your downcast eyes in the reflection across the street.

"i was too caught up in getting department head that i... didn't consider other possibilities. even the possibility of you uhm... liking me. it's still a weird concept to me, especially with how much we bicker."

"i'm sorry i didn't stay to hear out your feelings and rather, i just talked over you instead. i'm not sure if you want to accept this or not, but i want to open up—about this, about your feelings and... i don't know how much i've masked my emotions, i just know that we need to communicate."

the doorbell interrupts your apology, but you internally thank the housekeeping for bringing breakfast for the two of you.

with silence over breakfast, you weren't sure how the other felt as he scoffed down the croissant and almost burned his tongue with the coffee he ordered.

[day 33]

the boy barely watches the television and instead, reads over the article you were working on. seeing as it was already there when he logged on, he skimmed through it out of curiosity, finding that you were rephrasing the messy typos and sentences frantically on your notes.

haechan never forgot the way you were typing away on the laptop, eyes reading and rereading the sentences to make sure they made sense, to make sure they were clear to the reader.

the argument had taken a toll on you, too. he sees it in the way your eyes sink when your words turn out choppy and lacking, he sees it in the way you lug your body to the bathroom after a late night, he sees it in the way you struggle to hold your smile while attending an interview.

'haechan. you confuse me. i'm not...' the note below it trails off, piquing his curiosity at what it had in store.

'haechan.' big and bold letters it wrote, with a few dozen question marks below it. your writing skills shine through even in an informal note about your self-proclaimed rival, each line prompting the other to read more.

'you confuse me. i'm not sure what you're at but, it doesn't seem natural for you to tag along with someone you hate, right? that's what i was thinking too.'

'jeez, i remember hating when suyeon told me you were coming along. i didn't believe her one bit until she showed me your plane ticket and the hotel rooms next to each other. god, and when i came here, it was a day of interviewing before the damn government decided to close flights and force us into a room together.'

'i heard that other people had to be separated. i didn't know why we were the unlucky two that had to be put in a room together. i wished we didn't, almost. of course, you annoyed me when we first moved in. hogging the tv to no end, leaving your dirty underwear everywhere, running your mouth just like at our workplace.'

'i couldn't take it, maybe. sure, my brother has similar antics, but there was just something about you that just set me off, you know? i wouldn't have thought it was the opposite, or at least, i think so.'

'i'm counting the days. day 17 and i'm not sure why i feel this bubbling feeling inside me. of course, there's anger—i'm sure it's there, but there's also this other thing i get whenever i look at you.'

'my heart clenches up, and my hands become clammy, but it couldn't be a crush, right? i would've wasted my breath shouting, and my strength whacking your shoulder.' that makes haechan chuckle and look over at you where the soft light dances over your face.

'and then i started imagining. how would your arms wrap around me? how would your infuriating laughter, which somehow turned out to be so contagious, feel in the crook of my neck? yikes, that was cheesy.'

'what would it feel like if we fell in love for one night? where would you bring me and what would we eat? would we make out in your car like unruly teenagers?'

'what would it be like to love you? it's dumb, isn't it? i don't know. i've liked this bickering thing we had going on, and it's amusing to see you one-up me. i'm not sure if i want that to change and i'm not sure if you want us to, either.'

'maybe i'm wrong, and i'm the only one in this thing. this is so stupid, writing while he's sitting next to me. i'll regret this, maybe. goodnight.'

haechan sighs, closing the device in thought, confused at the words he wasn't exactly supposed to read. had you done this on purpose? he was sharing the laptop with you...

the boy brushed it off, placing the laptop on the vanity before adjusting your side of the duvet, hoping he could find the right words. with hesitant steps, he keeps to his side of the bed, thinking, thinking, thinking.

when he couldn't no more, haechan fell into the spell of slumber in the comfortable hotel room.

[day 34]

"tea?" he asks from the bathroom as the door clicks behind you, returning from the short hotel walk with a new keychain hanging from your sling bag.

"yeah sure, thanks."

the water runs as he fills up the kettle as the constant whir of the aircon and the conversation on the television keeps you company in the vast quietness of the room.

you weren't sure if you should say anything, but when you saw the dishevelled appearance of your roommate, you knew you had to bring up the argument and apology.

"haechan, about our... feelings. do you want to talk about them?" you whispered, a reply reaching your ears in the form of his spoon against the porcelain mug.

haechan hands you the drink wordlessly, sitting on the chair at the vanity before sipping cautiously at the tea. there are unexchanged glances between the two of you before he sighs at your expectant hand tapping the sheets.

"i think it's about time we did," he mumbled, dragging the laptop off the wooden table with anxiety. the other opened it without saying anything, catching you by surprise when the mouse hovers over your note.

"hae- donghyuck! no! what the hell?"

he holds up a hand and clicks on it anyway, making your heart drop to your stomach as he turned the device towards you.

"read the bottom." haechan whispers as you pull the laptop closer to you, settling it on your lap as he observed your expressions carefully.

'i read it, i'm sorry.' you look at him and lift up a hand to prepare to whack him, a defeated sigh escaping you before you carried on.

'was it wrong to read it? of course, and i cannot apologise more for doing shit like that when we still have unsolved tension between us in this small ass room. it was incorrect, but.'

'do you feel the same as me? is bickering all we have to do? why can't we work anything out? they're the questions i keep asking myself after i read your letter.'

'i guess i was too caught up in the fight and not wanting to be the loser that i... can't deny that i've never thought about wanting to get to know you, even if you were that sought out to be my destined enemy.'

'when we fought earlier, you kissed me. i know we said not to mention it, but, uhm, it was good. i liked it. i'm not sure if the reason why you did it was because of the reason you mentioned in the note, but at the time, i assumed it was to shut me up. i thought something would happen after, though you pushed me away and apologised right away.'

'it was a far off dream that i had, but i think it was after i bandaged your foot. you said that you didn't know what was going on in my mind, and i told you.'

'it was like, i was granted an insight into an alternate world, another universe where you didn't feel the strain, where you legitimately assumed i was going for your position.'

'you scoffed when i confessed, right then and there, on day 9. i was counting, too, and it was a scary, confusing dream. i think that's why i held it off as long as i could until your words puzzled and angered me further because you just didn't get it.'

'you scoffed and told me to get lost, pushing on my shoulders where we fought on the balcony for everyone to see. you never spoke to me, you never mentioned my article nor the interviews. we never joked over wine, and we always kept to our side of the bed.'

'i was convinced that heaven wanted me to stay away from you and your heart. maybe it was broken too many times, and you had someone up there looking out for you.'

'i feel like i'm copying off the textbook of some greek mythology starter pack, but i'm for real! no kidding.' you smiled, looking at him with nervous eyes at the small joke he put in.

'i guess whoever put that dream in my sleep really wanted us not to be together because i think i would've told you i liked you on the spot itself. i let my conscious get the best of me.'

'i know this is a lazy way of conveying my feelings, and i wished i could do it with words, but i feel like you wouldn't believe me otherwise. i rushed it this morning when you went on your morning walk around the hotel and when you let me know of your stroll in a soft voice, i wanted nothing more than to get you in my arms as we wake up to the housekeeping service.'

'i didn't want any more tension between us, and i didn't want to be interrupted by your alarm while we avoid each other more. it hurts seeing you escape the room in haste. you said it was weird for me to tag along with someone i hate, too, and that someone was you. i guess you found out why.'

looking up, you found him right in front of you, mouth dry from his reply to your letter. with a gulp, you leaned forward to meet his lips halfway.

"i'm sorry to whoever's up there," he whispers, prompting a grin and a laugh out of you.

the laptop is forgotten on the bed as haechan situates himself over you, clutching your shoulder gently while his lips move quickly, fast to make up for lost time.

"wait wait, wait, you're not playing me, are you?" you mumble in return, reluctantly pulling away while witnessing the way his eyes soften at your guard still up. haechan shakes his head forlornly, tongue pressing up against the side of his mouth nervously.

"no, i'm not, (y/n)," he says quietly with as much sincerity he can muster, removing his hand from your shoulder with a forced smile.

"okay." there's a shakiness to your voice, but when you bring his lips back to yours, it gives you a rush of confidence. your skin is burning up, and your hands can't stop wandering as his lips capture yours, repeatedly moving against yours like a trance.

you grant haechan access to your mouth with a whimper, melting into his embrace as his arms wrap tighter around your figure. his eagerness lingers when he pushes forward, straddling your lap as his leg nudges the laptop.

"wait, hyuck, wait, the laptop!" you joke, placing the device on the floor before getting back into the kiss with just as much fervour. within a minute or so, the other breaks away to say the words you so hated to hear:

"we... we need to talk. we can't just kiss the fight off, although i very much like to," haechan murmurs the last part, making you stifle a smile.

you nod quickly, repeating the word "okay" like a robot. your hands naturally travel from his arms down to his fingers, and you clutch them like your life depended on it.

"we have... established, that i like you, correct?" haechan whispers, scooting closer as his tea-ridden breath surrounds you. from here, you could even smell the buttered croissant he ate this morning.

it made you smile, something simple as that.

"why- why are you laughing (y/n)?" he asks anxiously, eyes darting to find the reason why you found this so funny.

"no. no no no, i'm thinking of... the croissant you ate just now, and," you sigh, resting your head on his broad shoulder.

"i'm thinking of the way your eyes light up when you show me the articles you idolise so much, and i'm thinking of the way you cuddle up to me whenever we watch stranger things."

"i'm thinking of the way you thought i wouldn't give you a chance, even though i've been pondering on the same thing as you. i'm thinking of the things that make up lee haechan, lee donghyuck. yes, you like me, and yes i like you, but i guess i haven't told you the reason."

"i hated you, i really did. i found every reason to convince my mind to hate you. gaining trust, signing up for events you didn't know shit about, sucking up to the seniors, stealing my friends when they didn't know your personality. the personality i didn't even want to know because i was too busy in my little bubble."

"assuming you'd want to get department head was the cherry on top, because why else would you want to tag along? that was the factor that convinced me and confirmed my suspicions from day one."

you grunt in opposition, clearly not liking the truth that was spilling from your lips. haechan deserved to know, however. you kept your eyes trained on his lap where his hands were holding yours in support, crumbling from the blindness that caused your hatred.

"so from then, the plane ride, immigration, the cab to the interview place, the cab back, the hotel room, my hatred for you boiled over." you listed, voice breaking as you looked haechan in the eye.

"it was stupid of me to assume, to assume the worst of you when i didn't even know you. i wasn't even sure why i felt so bitter looking at you, but the way you acted, the way you whined, worked me up so much that i figured that was how you were."

"now when i'm sitting here with the curtains drawn, i can see why you're so attractable and easy to talk to and easy-going and bright that my friends keep talking to you."

"i can see why the seniors turn to you because you're reliable and hardworking without uttering a single word."

"i can see why you wanted to hop on this flight with me because you're always curious about the world and how you can expand your skill set."

and as you said word after word, haechan observes you with a soothing hand against your forearms. his eyes shine for a different reason, for the lost time he could've had if the two of you didn't have this massive barrier. a massive barrier that's been up for the longest time.

brick by brick, the wall is being torn down. as you hold haechan's face in the stillness of the room, you feel closer to him than you've ever felt and his tears match your frustrated ones.

choking on sobs, delayed apologies were all you could whisper.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry, really. we fought so bad that day, and i was so goddamn insensitive..." you sigh, swallowing a lump when his hand reached up to wipe the tears. with a blocked nose, you breathe shakily as housekeeping interrupts the moment.

you nod towards the door as he stood up slowly to reveal the same housekeeping girl. she cleaned up the bathroom and wardrobe quietly as the two of you stood awkwardly in the small space. she had left the sheets since everyone was practically stuck in, anyway.

haechan nudges you toward the door with a shove, shooting the same housekeeping girl a small smile and a bow as an apology to the previous run-in.

"he confessed his feelings?" she inquired softly, noticing the tear marks on your face.

you bit your lip, "yeah."

"that's good, he's finally not a coward." she laughs, folding the used towels and placing them with her.

you leaned against the door, asking for an explanation with your puzzled look.

"he was someone i liked, before. we had classes back in high school. it was just a dumb crush, honestly." the housekeeping girl shrugs, resting her head on her fist in thought.

"i think he liked me, and i did too, but we didn't do much except for exchange looks and flirt because both of us were just too scared." she shakes her head and adjusts the disinfectant spray bottle, fidgeting with the nozzle.

"i'm glad he had enough courage to admit his feelings."

nodding along to her statement, she bids you farewell as her figure fades with each step, leaving you with a sense of calmness to the end of this situation.

[day 38]

"is... is this okay?" haechan asks, arm hovering over your body while waiting for your confirmation. you smile and nod, sinking into his side as you venture in the third season of stranger things together.

"don't you think we should be working on our articles?" you whisper, looking up at him from where you were with raised eyebrows.

the boy opens and closes his mouth in thought, gesturing to the television with an exaggerated expression.

"stranger things, ma'am."

you click your tongue and sigh with a smile, turning back to the show as you try to relax for an online interview in a few hours.

[day 39]

"what do you say about my set-up?" haechan nudges you, proud of the hangout area he prepared on the balcony. although small, he had no trouble making it look comfortable.

with a smile, you pop open the wine to celebrate the last scheduled interview for the trip, clinking glasses with haechan in the setting sun.

the country you were supposed to return to was slowly opening up flights for those stranded overseas and as refreshing as a different environment was, you missed home and the warmness of it.

you missed the office and your desk. hell, you even missed the mediocre coffee from the pantry.

with the last of the wine finishing, haechan pours half into your glass and the other into his, clinking one last time before you one-shot the beverage.

the high of the alcohol is gradually brought down by the mellow atmosphere and colours of twilight. as pink and orange cross over on the horizon, haechan mumbles a low "c'mere" to you in the darkness.

you hum in response and get up from your seat, bringing a pillow with you as haechan shifts to make space. sinking naturally into his arms, you sigh while you try to contain a smile full of content.

"this is nice," you admit, the corners of your lips disobeying your command, prompting you to shoot him a smile. haechan nods against your hair, a comfortable arm around your waist while you trace the tan skin of his arm.

the other taps your waist repeatedly, turning in response as he whispers out a question that makes your heart melt.

"can i kiss you?" you grin, slipping a hand around his neck and pulling him in right away. haechan's caught by surprise, laughing into your lips and striving to savour the moment as much as he could.

a shout from across the hotel distracts you from the kiss. looking up, you realise it was the apartment resident opposite you shooting you a 'rock on' gesture.

"you guys are not fighting anymore! congrats!" you both stifle a snort as you wave back to the resident, sighing in relief when their balcony door slides shut.

"should we go inside, m'lady?" haechan giggles, replying in the form of a nod, cleaning up the area while you head in.

[day 41]

"i didn't think they'd be letting flights in so early," you mumble, folding your clothes neatly as your vision shifts to haechan... shoving his fair share of apparel into his luggage.

"donghyuck... what the hell?" you roll your eyes, shoving the boy softly as you took over the task at hand. switching personalities almost immediately, haechan fakes an interview segment with exaggerated tones.

"see, everyone, this is how you convince someone to do the work for you," the boy lays on the bed with a satisfied expression, "now i don't have to do anyth- ow!"

"if we ever live together, maybe i should punish you by doing the laundry and then folding it," you grunt, working at the speed faster than you expected while you fold shirt after shirt.

"are you proposing we move in together?" haechan peeks through an open eye, curiosity dripping from his tone. he tried to feign nonchalance but awaiting your answer felt like a weight on his heart.

your next words lifted that weight, a seemingly invisible force bringing his upper body off the bed as he stares at you in shock.

"maybe, not now but... in the future, maybe," you mumble the last part, focusing on the clothes to prevent the male from seeing the fluster on your face.

"for real?" haechan sits up, biting his lip to contain his excitement as your confirmation.

"we'll be all stupidly domestic and shit, and i'll say i love you five years from now before you go off for work if you want that and stuff," your voice goes lower and quieter, especially towards the end, biting off way more than you could chew.

"aw! i love you too!" haechan gushes, bringing you into an embrace as your hands go limp, scrambling to explain your emphasis on the 'future'.

"d-donghyuck, i meant the future, not now..." you manage to spit out, hoping you need not answer his queries any more. your mind blanks out at the current situation, wishing you hadn't said those dumb things.

he grins into your neck, "i know, i'm just answering for future me."

you groan and escape the hug with a roll of your eyes, "yuck, too cheesy!" the boy just lets out a laugh, watching the way you fold his clothes despite your initial annoyance.

[day 42]

suyeon switches between the two of you in disbelief, finger crooked at the ambiguity of "we like each other".

"wha-" suyeon doesn't get the chance to finish the sentence before you shoot her a thumbs up, grabbing haechan by the arm and your stuff with the other.

you were happy to leave the office after a quick debrief since you two had reported to the office right after arriving at the airport, relieved when you heard he'd spare a few more days for your articles to be cleaned up.

"so, (y/n), what would you like to do now?" haechan looks at you through the reflective material of the elevator, observing the nervous wringing of your fingers.

you're glad for the material protecting your face because there's a smile that you struggle to keep as his soft, gentle voice carries through the quiet space.

the anxiety ends when the lift sounds, prompting your eyes to trail down his arm. your hand moves on its own accord, grabbing his last finger with yours as you proceed into the lift sheepishly, not missing the way haechan's eyes show his bright smile behind the mask.

"maybe i'll get to know you more, lee donghyuck."

haechan lets out a gasp, "have you not learned about me enough? scandalous."

you feign a punch in his direction, the luggage beside you tripping over its wheels due to your swift movement. the only response you get is a giggle from the other as he tightens his pinky around yours, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek right above your face mask just as the elevator doors open.

"man, i really do want to punch you now," you mutter as you let haechan lead you, wanting nothing more than to rest in the arms of your enemy-turned-friend? enemy-turned-someoneyoulike?

you weren’t exactly sure.

he doesn't answer during the walk to the main road, nor the ride back to your home, the only constant thing being the way he admires your profile in the taxi, shrugging when you counter with a playful "what?".

"nothing," haechan grins.

[there are more days to come]

sure, day forty-one may not have been the day you fell in love with haechan, nor the day where he outwardly claims you as his lover.

but, taking it slow never hurt anyone, either.

you know it in the way he tells you he can't go in unless he's invited and you see it in the way he asks if he can switch the television on while you prepare some drinks.

like the hotel, you know it in the way he asks if he can kiss you and the way he deepens his kisses with caution.

you appreciate it in the way he quickly apologises for a personal question, while visibly relaxing as you brush it off with a smile.

with hours pass, day forty-two becomes day forty-three, and haechan remains as chivalrous as always.

days pass, and you submit your articles. weeks pass, and you get to know the boy more and more. months pass, and you feel his love in the way he plays with your fingers in the dark and pulls you close under the sheets.

even if you hadn't acknowledged the love between the two of you, that note you wrote half-drunk matched the way you felt now—with how your heart clenches up and with how your grin never leaves your face with haechan around.

there are more days to come with lee haechan, lee donghyuck, even if it meant getting stuck together in a hotel room with unsaid words.

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appledotcodotuk · 3 years

Text

why the hive fckin suck at its job: a rant

spoilers for tgwdlm ahead!

first of all, it's important to consider what exactly the hive's job is. my answer is... who the fuck knows. literally. what is the hive's aim. what do you want Paul? more like, what do you want hive? let's find out!

it kinda evolves, as the play progresses. the intial aim of the hive, and one that does actually remain consistent is the constant burning need to grow and devour and gain more and more (insert capitalism metaphor here).

however, this is distorted by the people it possess who influence that aim, as we'll see later.

also the fact it crashes into a theatre displaying Mamma Mia gives the hive the motive it need to fit the world around it to the structure of the musical. having no originality of its own, the hive instead just picks up what is given to it. kinda like an evil baby.

it wants uniformity, that is indeed its ultimate goal and desire, no duh. it thinks it can achieve that through musical theatre, shame that the hive is dead wrong. cause the hive fucking sucks at its own job / aim / ultimate purpose / one concrete goal that motivates all its actions.

can't maintain control over its subjects

okay, so, the hive wants uniformity. it wants everyone to be dancing to the beat of its own tune. right? yeah. shame it literally can't keep its own possessed subjects in line at all. at the risk of sounding like the 10th doctor waxing lyrical abt humanity for the 50th time, humans are really difficult to control cause we're not really motivated by an altruistic allegiance to one primary good. we've got icky emotions that often move us to do stupid unpredictable stuff way more. it makes me wonder if the reason the hive wanted to use musical theatre to try and persuade ppl was cause it seems to think that is how theyll get emotive humans; through emotive songs. anyways. let's look at some examples shall weeeee?

Mr Davidson:

so, Mr Davidson. funnily enough, he's the guy whose in part acting as the hive trying to figure out what it wants through his interactions w/ Paul. every person it possess gives it just a bit more humanity and curiosity abt the world it is currently taking over. at least I think so. hence why as the musical develops u get character's like possessed!Alice wondering 'why does it hurt to love?' - the change in music and mood to something much more introspective really suggests to me that the hive is beginning to question the thoughts and emotions of its human hosts.

Mr Davidson is a family man through and through, he loves his wife Carol. she's his muse, his source of light. his feelings for her are not concrete or easy to explain and solve - hence why his sudden ahem demand of her is so hilarious and also jarring. it completely clashes with the 'I want song' which is simple, and often pushes forward a wider cause. not so with Mr Davidson, he just really loves his wife man. enough to break a frickin alien possession.

tbh I think its hilarious that (at least to me) the hive has to force him to forget and continue with the song, like, he straight up is just talking to his wife in that phone call, talking, not singing. so, no possession until he reverts back into song. ergo, the hive cannot maintain the uniformity it wants. even from the get go when theoretically its control should be stronger cause it has less ppl to co-ordinate. bad. at. its. job.

Paul:

this one hurts folks. yes, I know it's generally agreed, though somewhat debated that the state of Paul by the end of the tgwdlm is not purely possessed. I agree. once again, the hive is unable to truly enforce uniformity.

at this point, the motives of Paul and the hive are kinda just mixed, neither fully human nor fully alien. hence the constant shifts between pleeing for her to get away, to hide, to stay safe: 'what if the only choice is you have to sing to survive' and just full on old style hive nastiness 'let me puke in your mouth and just open your food bin girl' (so romantic 🥰 /j).

the hive has gone away from its original aim, and become something... different. no longer stuck to just one type of genre or style of song, it's really clever to show the developing complexity of the hive by showing how it is now juggling lots of different motifs with references to all the old songs from before recontextualised in a new way - its learning. evil baby... no longer uniform.

general miscommunication:

there are several instances of the hive not fully having uniform control over its subjects. for instance, right after not your seed with the three teens having to like... calibrate. they aren't just completely connected then?? also, this is a very small thing, but uhhhh at the end of inevitable when Paul is about to say the apotheosis is upon... the chorus interrupts him with USSSSSSS. interruptions??? not very in sync of u hive.

I think this inability to exert uniformity is also shown in the contrast between genre of musical theatre. my alien abomination cannot decide whether it wants to be the more modern edgy rock musical (join us (and die), not your seed ) or super happy go lucky old style musical theatre (lah dee dah dah day, and inevitable). it tries to do both, even while trying to encourage union, and sticking to one thing. hypocrite!!!!!

2. aims are guided by the people it possess

so, I mentioned this a bit already, but the hive isn't only mutating the humans, the humans are mutating the hive right back. this is more an interesting observation than any actual analysis but let's goooo.

greenpeace girl:

I think it's very likely that greenpeace girl is one of the first to be possessed. This is probably easily debunkable but whatever this analysis is flying by the seat or its pants anywayyyyy. why? cause where else would it pick up that whole 'this planet needs fixing' thing? it's interesting too, cause it morphs from expressing the desire to join hands and sing together, unity and peace with no actual action behind it. this then goes right to the other end, with the hive going 'fine I'll do it myself' and trying to save things by enforcing a dictatorship on the world. it develops and changes, and strays from its original means of accomplishing its aims! speaking oooooof...

3. inconsistent in means of accomplishing aims

okay, ur an evil hive mind. u think musicals are the way to win over these silly humans cause they're all weak and emotive and seem to respond to them. but, wait! schwoopsie! you haven't realised that for emotional depth and growth to mean anything, you need there to be established development and well... growth. otherwise the sentiments are as vague as the ones expressed in What Do You Want, Paul?

this show has genuine emotional moments, just not really during the musical numbers WITH EXCEPTIONS. any strife is smoothed over quickly, and so the development and change that would have to go into such growth is just gone. (see, You Tied Up My Heart) all so it can achieve its own desire to grow and grow and grow, maybe a metaphor for art being killed under late stage capitalism??

what actually matters is the impact the songs have afterwards, in causing a death - because we have a bond and care abt these characters. those short scenes between Paul and Emma are actually way more resonant than any song. except... inevitable, and also not your seed a bit. at this point the hive has learnt a thing or two, and can actually twist human emotion a little. but for it to do that, it has to reject the uniformity it prizes, and be adaptable. point towards being more human than it first thought? methinks so. and yet it's just not enough...

it's also why let it out, to me, feels really ingenuine. Paul has expressed himself in much better ways already. what they're doing is clearly paining him, and hurting the guy. he's terrified bless.

you can't force someone into being emotional vulnerable, man.

it's why all the deaths for the characters who are forced to express themselves are really violent, involving them being ripped open - literally forcing them to expose themselves from the 'inside out' as Alice reflects in Not Your Seed. you can't force genuine emotional connection, it has to be fostered, shown in the much more affecting relationship of Paul and Emma. the only reason the hive actually has power over our characters is because of these genuine emotional connections, which it tries and often fails to take advantage of, resulting in just resorting to brute violence. messy hive, very messy.

at the core, the musical's a kinda attack on that toxic positivity mindst: trying to force people to reach the sort of easy solutions by sharing feelings in a way that feels pretty invasive and deciding you are instantly fixed. the problems these characters face are jarringly not really what you'd expect a character in a musical to face, cheating, a lot of it, mid-life crisis. problems that are bland, or wayyyy too real. this is purposefully done, to reveal just how silly the hive's aim to use musical theatre to solve everyone's problem is. life is more complex than that smh.

4. a human can write a much more expressive, and genuine song than they ever could lol

u know which song I'm talking abt. what more is there to say. so much for making persuasive songs to tempt people over.

5. make me sad cause they took some perfectly nice ppl and funked them up 😭

this was a stupid point lol. basically I'm just bitter that this hive took a bunch of perfectly okay ppl and gave them hive brain. screw u hive. I swear I'm gonna watch Black Friday soon, cause I'm sure it's gonna completely destroy every thought I've had so far, but whateve,,, just take this as a look at tgwdlm like it's a stand-alone piece.

these guys are supposed to all be 'individuals' on one level, but also 'appendages of a much larger organism'. there's a little too much individualism and fracturing to be cohesive enough to do that I feel. the hive to me is not an infallible, unstoppable force, in fact, every human it takes over only brings it closer to understanding us. so that's maybe a slight positive note??? idk ?! I just have lots of thoughts and feelings abt this musical even if this doesn't make sense I'm proud i wrote it down hehe.

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whatifyoulivelikethat · 3 years

Note

i want to ask for help. but i cant tell when would be a good time. because u've said before that therapy doesnt work unless YOU want it to, and i dont know WHEN i will want to. i just know that ive been feeling like this for as long as i can remember and that if i dont do SOMETHING about it, i might not even live.

i feel like im scared to ask for help because what if? what if i actually do better? i cant imagine living without thinking about dying every second. there is a scary sense of comfort in it, but its familiar and its me but its ME and i dont want it like that.

i,,, i dont know why this is going to you, but i do know i admire your opinions and i guess i just want to know. when. when does it get better.

When... hmm, as Yoongi has said before, these kinds of feelings are like seasons. I don't personally think they ever "go away" - you have good times and bad times, sometimes with reason, sometimes for no reason at all. At least, that's how it is with me. Going to put the rest under a break.

"Get better" is a vague term. You can argue you're already "getting better" because you recognize something needs to change, but that doesn't really feel statisfying because you're still in the same mental state, right? Then, is "getting better" a generalized state of more happiness? Could be. But, if you've always been in the darkness, well, shit, how are you supposed to know the light is the light? You've never seen it before. Then, does "getting better" mean... being like everyone else around me that seems like they're "good"?

That's the greatest lie of all.

I've said therapy doesn't work unless you want it to, not because you need to feel a certain measure of desire to change, but because you can't walk in there thinking the therapist is going to change you. If you have the means to try, you should to to therapy and just try it, because knowing you need to do something indicates that you already want to change. Reaching out to someone, stranger or not, already indicates you don't want to be like this forever. It might work, it might not. Therapy really depends on the therapist and finding a good fit is very difficult.

I'm going to tell you a bit about my journey. I have no idea if it will help you, but maybe you're interested.

I grew up not knowing love. My parents had an arranged marriage and, in their case, they did not love each other. Probably still don't. They're still married. I guess they tolerate each other, I don't know. In any case, it was very dysfunctional. I didn't know anything about maintaining healthy relationships, showing affection, or the value of people. I was seen as a means to an end, not really as their child. It was mostly my mom, but my dad was neglectful and wasn't really part of my life even though he was there the entire time. Because of this, I didn't value myself. I became very depressed and, if you've read my work, there's hints of what I've done to myself. I thought about dying. A lot. All the time. Planned it, dreamed it, wished for it.

Then, I moved out and entered the next phase of my life. Made a shit ton of mistakes. Destroyed friendships, had a ton of questionable relationships, chased love that was never there, fell apart. I was an "adult" but I was still the same - still wanted off this fucking Earth. But there was a difference. This time, I finally realized something.

These had be been my desicions.

My choices put me in that position. Nobody made me do anything. I was being self-destructive because I wanted to. And just like how I put myself there, I could take myself out.

So I did.

Not easily, mind you, but I did. I switched my surroundings again, put myself among people who had my best interests in mind, found my close friends, had a great time. Did shit everyone else did, went on cute dates, hung out with friends, traveled a lot, took pictures of delicious food, had an Instagram life.

Hated it.

I wasn't myself. I had pushed down my past and pretended like that shit wasn't real. I had a good life, so I'm good, right? I'm cured! I have what everyone else wants - I do what I want, have a good job and loving people around me. Yeah, no. I was "better", but I wasn't better. Far from it. I used to draw, write, create. In this phase I did none of that. I felt empty. But I was happy! Shit, what else can I do?

And then I discovered BTS.

Music does a lot of things. In my life, they defined the phases of my life. Rock and metal saved me from ending it when I was stuck in the darkness. In the time of empty happiness, I listened to music, but nothing stuck. I did, however, broaden my horizons and listen to everything, finally learning that all music has its merits and that I could find something I liked in nearly every genre.

However, I wasn't committing to anything, and that was because I couldn't commit to myself.

At first when I listened to BTS, I thought they were really cool. I went from era to era, mostly listening to title songs. Then I was bored and listened to their other stuff. I was curious about the lyrics I liked. They were usually rapped by this one guy, and I learned to recognize his voice and wait for his parts, because they always ended up being my favorite.

Yeah, just guess who it is. :)

I thought, well shit, I have no idea what he's saying. I should look it up. Went to look up the lyric translations of their songs, finding SUGA's parts and yet another epiphany.

Why am I pretending?

I'm reading these lyrics and I'm like, shit. This is it. This is me. These are all thoughts I've thought and they're here. They're real. Someone else thought them in the same way I have. And I am, indeed, still feeling these things, but pretending I'm not. Pretending it's impossible to acknowledge the person I am, that teenager wondering why I have to live when I could just fucking not, and who I've become, an adult with no sense of self but happy, and how they somehow can't coexist even though they already do. They're all me.

It wasn't very fun facing those feelings again, but I did it because I needed it. I needed to work through them and stop pretending so I could be myself. And now I am, because I can see it. You can see it. I create, not for anyone, but because this is me.

Maybe a little hypersexual. Kind of insane. Borderline cocky (but I am hot though, I'm just saying). I write, I draw, I create, I have fun, I cry, fuck, I do it all (swallow dick real fucking well too!). I do everything I want to and live how I want to.

This is just one way, one life among billions. You might not go though this (technically, you're already on the BTS phase, you know) and most likely your journey will be different. Because "getting better" is a personal thing. It is what you want in life, who you want to be, and I didn't know who I wanted to be until I lived though all kinds of shit, learning about other people's lives, and found someone who let me know, hey, you can brush past or you can soak into a heart. Change will always happen. You can live however you like. In some ways, you grow up and become an adult. In some ways, you stay the same, always young, always learning, always growing up. Sometimes people give up their young self because they think they have to. And maybe they do. You don't really have to though. You only have to be open to the idea there is also comfort in other things, that the you that you've known all your life is not the only you that will be.

To live a full life is to have many things, not physically, but mentally - memories, thoughts, past, present, whatever you want to hold on to, hold on to. No one can take them away from you. You will become more than just that. Every day, you will wake up to a new self that encompasses all your other selves before that. If you're impatient and want it now, run. Read up on things, surround yourself with all kinds of people, try activities you've always wanted to try, experience shit and find out what you like, what you hate, what you can modify to suit you better.

Find out what it means for you to get better and you'll discover, hey.

You're already there.

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thewalkingdead-imagines · 4 years

Text

Negan Imagine ~ “You’re in Love”

Summary: While Negan musters courage to finally tell the Reader those three special words, she dives back into memories of defining moments and milestones of their relationship.

Request: Imagine inspired by “You’re in Love” by Taylor Swift (lyrics can be found at the end!) Enjoy!

Negan was shifting beside you in the large bed, tucking himself underneath the dark sheets while a strange look was covering his face, the same that had been stuck on there since the late afternoon and it wasn’t hard for you to find its trigger. They had almost slipped out of his lips this afternoon, those three special words. Almost. You had barely heard him say the first two words when you’d cuddled up on the couch, his voice seeming to nearly subconsciously slip out of his lips when he’d nuzzled his nose into your hair and rasped the words against your skin but the way he tensed up and halted abruptly after those two words had made your attention shoot up really quickly. ”Good night, Baby”, you heard Negan’s voice rip you out of your thoughts as he pulled you into his embrace, cradling you against his chest while you glimpsed up at him. ”Yeah, good night”, you mumbled with a smile, leaning in to press a kiss over his lips while a small content groan rumbled up his throat. He leaned in to peck your lips once more as his arms tightened a little around you and you sunk a little deeper into the dark pillows underneath your bodies. You hummed in response, moving in to cuddle up against him and lay your head into the curve of his neck, while you could hear the bass of his voice sounding through the room while he switched the lamp on his nightstand off. He was still a little tense, yet he still kept talking to you as every other night as well, just chatting a little until you started to fall asleep. Slowly, your voices started to hush in this night as well, leaving you huddled closely to his warm body while the thoughts in your head kept you busy and far from being able to fall asleep, replaying those few seconds that had thrown you off this afternoon. Deep down, you knew that he loved you even if he hadn’t said it with these words yet. The way he was acting around you, the other things he told you that were right on the same level as those three were enough to let you know that he did, he maybe and for whatever exact reason it was, couldn’t say them out loud yet. It was odd, he was talking to you about everything that would come to his mind and this seemed like the very only thing he didn’t know how to address, maybe because he was scared, maybe because he wasn’t ready, you honestly weren’t entirely sure. And you, you loved him, you could barely think of anything else that was as definite as this fact and still you hadn’t told him either, just to not pressure him. Maybe it was silly, maybe you should have just told him right away but something in you felt like he needed some more time until he could say it as well, and risking to urge him and make him feel pressured was the last thing you wanted. Still, you had knew how deep your feelings were for him for a long time already and with each bit of time that passed they got stronger. You could recall so many moments that made you realize the depth of your feelings all over again, from small, domestic moments to those that felt like milestones. Just then you got ripped out of your thoughts for a moment as somewhere outside, a car was passing by, it’s engine roaring a little up, urging you to remind exactly one of those moments earlier on in your relationship that still made your heart flutter when you thought of it

The lights of the street-lamps passed by, each of them turning into a blur as the car picked up a little speed and jerked slightly underneath you. You watched as you drove past homes and tiny shops, only some lights still burning in them here and there. You could hear Negan stirring a little beside you, readjusting in his seat as he grabbed the wheel a little tighter with one hand before the other reached over to you though his eyes were still focusing on the road, his glance not leaving it once, his movements seeming nearly unconscious. Slowly, you could feel his hand grasping yours, enclosing it as he picked it up and lead it towards him. You watched him a little curiously as he brought the back of your hand to his lips, brushing them and his stubble softly over them before he pressed a warm kiss to the sensitive skin. A smile was starting to grow on your sleepy face, widening as he kept your hand right where it was. He often did that, but this time seemed a little different. He didn’t even seem to fully consciously do it, there was no remark, no roguish glimpse at you or a grin flashing over his lips. The movement of grasping your hand and pressing a kiss to it seemed so familiar to him, so well known and internalized that he could also do them without having to ponder a second about it. And something about it, maybe the level of comfort he seemed to have reached with you, brought another wave of warmth through you and let the smile on your lips grow as Negan brushed his lips and his beard stubble slowly over the back of your hand once more, his eyes still focusing on the road.

Negan shifted a little underneath you, though still holding you close when he let out a tight breath and nuzzled his nose into your hair. He clearly seemed to have his problems falling asleep as well, moving and shifting far more than usual, keeping you wondering what was going on in him right now as well while your own thoughts were keeping you busy in these moments.

Negan’s hand closely grasped yours as you strolled down the street, the sun warm on your skin as you headed back towards Negan’s house. Sighing you glimpsed from Negan around, a smile on your face until your glance landed on the couple on the other side of the street whose eyes were darting at you as they had stopped to load their groceries from their car into their home as soon as they’d seen you. They always did that, giving the both of you odd looks, not obviously but enough to notice it when you were their target, and they weren’t the only ones. Maybe it was the age difference, maybe it was their opinion about Negan alone, either way it was in a way uncomfortable to feel those glances on you. “They’re staring again”, you mumbled, glimpsing away from them and instead forward, feeling how Negan’s hand grasped yours a little tighter. “Does it matter?”, he asked calmly, attracting your attention back to him as he gave you a small smirk. “No”, you shook your head after a moment, the smirk growing a little wider as he suddenly stopped and scratched his fingers over his salt and pepper stubble. “Good”, he grinned, moving his hand out of your grasp while you looked a little irritated at him, right before he moved his hands to cup your jaw and pull you closer. “If they wanna stare, guess I gotta give ‘em a little show. Gotta be worth it, huh?”, he chuckled right before he leaned in and caressed his lips over yours, groaning as soon as you responded to his touch and could feel the heat rising up into your cheeks, flushing them nearly immediately. For a moment, you forgot about them, the part of you that felt a little awkward and uncomfortable beating retreat, leaving the warm, giddy feeling that Negan was standing by your side without any shame. Another deep hum rumbled through Negan’s chest before his lips slowly let go of yours, his hands still cupping your face as he leaned just enough back to glimpse at you, the wide grin still on his lips.

They’d stopped with the staring by now, the people on Negan’s street, probably used to seeing you together now and busy with running some other people’s lives down, people that had become more interesting than the both of you. Here and there you only got some glances but you barely noticed them anymore, nor did they bother you. You were happy with him, and no one was able to change that, and still, though you rarely got into a fight not everything was rainbows and unicorns at all times, just as in every relationship regardless of how happy and healthy it was.

A thick huff left your lips as you tossed your bag onto the couch, watching as Negan moved through the living room, antsy and yet with the same grumpy and stern look on his face that had covered it most of the night. It had just supposed to be a relaxed evening out in a local bar, nothing ground breaking, just some time outside with some people you knew but instead of having fun with Negan as usual, he’d spent most of the time tense and as grumpy as his facial expression was giving away and since the taxi had dropped you off you knew the definite trigger. “I was talking to him here and there, like I did with every other person at that table too, I wasn’t flirting”, you huffed, stepping out of your shoes and pushing them to the side, still confused as to why Negan was acting the way he did. One of the guys a friend had introduced had talked to you, nothing crazy or suspicious in his behavior from your point of view but for some goddamn reason it had pushed Negan to turn into a grumpy asshole. He was jealous you could tell, so jealous that it seemed to put a tension all over his body. Usually, this jealousy was still very much in the normal range. All that happened during the evening itself was him being protective and turning ice cold towards the other man he was seeing as a threat and you’d get some rough jealous sex as soon as you got home. Now however, he was turning cold towards you too and that’s where it stopped for you. Especially, because you didn’t know what the big deal about this shit was. “I know”, Negan grumbled, his eyes only meeting yours for a split second before he looked away again, “I’m not blaming you.” An annoyed and frustrated sound left your lips as you raised your arms in confusion, trying to get what the hell was going on. You were glad that he wasn’t blaming you, though that only made the situation more confusion altogether. “Well, then I don’t get what’s wrong.” “That asshole was eyefucking you, the whole goddamn time”, Negan growled, gulping thickly as you let out a stressed sigh. “Shit, Negan, not every guy wants to fuck me!” “He did”, he let out with a bittersweet chuckle, the stern expression still on his face while you let out another sigh, trying to get what this had to do with his behavior towards you that was so untypical of him that it was driving you crazy. “Well then even if he did, it’s not like that’s something that would ever happen. I’m with you and I only want you, not him or anyone else”, you scoffed, growing even more frustrated as the tense look remained on his face. “You can be protective and I don’t mind you being pissed at that guy, I don’t care about him. I just don’t get why you’re so grumpy to me. What the hell have I done to have you react to me like that?”, your voice started to grow more tense, even more biting as Negan’s glance remained directed away from you as he shook his head a little. “I said it’s not your fault”, he growled back, his glance meeting yours again only for a short moment, the look and them and the one that was still sprawled out over his face giving you a whole different answer than his words. “Then we’re going in circles. I just wanna know what’s going on with you”, you said, slowly growing more distressed, “You don’t have to give me some lengthy explanation now if you don’t want to, just let me quickly know what’s up and it’s okay...we’re always talking about everything, right?” "Forget it", you could hear Negan huff, turning around and walking into the kitchen without looking at you once more while you stared confusedly at him, the anger now starting to trump the distress. "Are you kidding me?", you snapped, watching as he vanished in the kitchen, part of you hoping that he’d just come out again but instead he stayed inside, leaving you even more annoyed than before by the grown man who was acting like a kinder-gardener right now. "Goodnight, Negan", you loudly and with a strong sarcastic undertone huffed, moving out of the living room and up the stairs while some pain started to mix into the anger, turning into a stinging feeling that pushed the disappointment in you further. He knew you didn’t like going to bed with a conflict still going on, with whoever that was but especially not with him. This wasn’t your Negan down there and it drove you insane that you still had no clue what the fuck was going on with him. Unnerved you started to get ready for bed, alone and frustrated instead of goofing around with the man who was probably still being a grumpy downstairs before you moved into the bedroom and slipped into the large bed, asking yourself if he*d even come to sleep with you here. Sighing you cuddled deeper into the pillows, glimpsing outside the windows into the barely lit outside before you started to hear heavy footsteps starting to come up the stairs not more than a half hour after you’d done the same. You could feel yourself tense up a little, unsure what to expect after that fight, whether he was just gonna lay down next to you without another word or if he was gonna talk to you after all. You could hear him in the bathroom first, getting done a little faster than usual before you could hear his footsteps sounding through the hallway again until they got replaced by the soft creaking of the door. You were laying on your side, only seeing from the corner of your eye how he hesitated for a moment before he stepped into the room and moved over to the bed until he could sit down on his side. He wasn’t laying down, just sitting there unusually quietly before he cleared his throat. "Hey, I-...I'm sorry”, you heard him say, the tone in his voice completely different to before, "Really." A deep sigh fell from his lips as you stayed in your position at first, trying to wait for what was to come, yet already a little relieved while you could feel the mattress move slightly as Negan adjusted himself a little. "It's not... again, I'm not blaming you. I trust you”, he started again, audibly struggling before another deep sigh left his lips and you could see his hand reaching up to stroke over his beard stubble. "It's...I just know you deserve someone better than me and I fuck...I got that shitty voice in my head telling me you'll realize that earlier or fuckin 'later and you'll leave.” You gulped thickly as you heard word for word slipping out of his lips, letting the anger within you beat retreat and replace it with more of the pain you’d felt earlier. He had indicated these things before, the first time when he’d told you the whole truth of his past and Lucille and it still brought an undeniable uncomfortableness into you to hear that he still thought this way about himself. He was a self confident man, but this part of him was still more insecure than you had realized, so much that you hadn’t even truly connected it to his behavior this evening until now. “And when there's that guy who shows an assload of interest, who looks at you that way, and fuck who made you laugh,...I know you didn’t notice it like that but shit, it just let that shitty voice rage through my fucking head again. That guy just set off a trigger...I don’t fucking know why it got so much in my head tonight...it just fucked up my whole goddamn mood, even towards you, even if I didn’t fuckin’ intent it to”, he added, the sound in his voice painfully genuine as you gulped thickly, though staying in your position, not because you were being unnecessarily petty, but rather because it felt like it was easier for him to finish this if you wouldn’t disrupt him now by turning around and staring at him. "I should've told you right away instead of playing the old grumpy fucker",he said, sighing deeply once more while you could feel his glance starting to fix on you, "I'm sorry, I really am. I'm fucking terrified of losing you. No excuse, I know, but it's the reason...now, you don't have to respond, it's okay, I just wanted you to know before you sleep.” The moment you heard his voice hush and could feel him moving to get up from the bed you turned around, meeting his glance in the dim light in the very same moment as you reached for his arm. ”Stay”, you said, glimpsing at him as more guilt flooded his face. “I’m sorry”, he said anew, gulping thickly as you could tell that he meant it, and slowly started to nod, scooting a little closer to him. “I know, it’s okay”, you said, still holding onto his arm, though softly as you sighed and made sure to hold his glance. “I won’t leave”,you finally said, caressing your hand over his arm as you got a little closer to him, close enough to see him clearly in the dim light ,”We gotta get that shitty voice out of your head that keeps telling you that crap because anything it says is a lie.” “Yeah”, Negan nodded, running his hand over his face before his glance dropped back down on you,”I’ll work on that, really...taking that out on you, that shit won’t happen again. I don’t know what the hell was going on with me tonight.” “Okay, ‘cause I didn’t either”,you nodded, slowly moving in to straddle his lap so you could hug him and see him more clearly ,”You’re never like this, not to me...that got me so frustrated.” ”Yeah, I get that”, he nodded, wrapping his arms around you to pull you closer and nuzzle his head into the curve of your neck, breathing deeply in and out as you moved your hand to caress through his dark hair and felt him pressing a kiss to your skin before he moved back to glimpse at you. ”I also prefer some jealous sex to the grumpy attitude”, you mumbled with a chuckle to loosen the tension that was hanging in the air a little. “You do?”, Negan asked, his signature grin growing on his lips as he rose his eyebrows playfully while he pulled you a little closer. “Yeah”, you chuckled, moving in to press a kiss over his lips while another chuckle rumbled through Negan’s chest. ”Maybe I can use that to make it a bit up to you”, he grumbled against your lips, moving in kiss you once more. ”Mhmm”, you mumbled, feeling in the very next moment how Negan tightened his arms a little around you to move you and roll you on your back and underneath him, while another laugh left your lips. ”Oh shit”, you chuckled, as you tried to shift in the right position to not end up in a tangle of limbs with Negan’s long legs while he moved in closer and grinned down at you. ”Tell me what else my old ass can do for ya”, he grumbled as he leaned in to press kisses against your jaw. “Mhmm I could use some pancakes tomorrow too”, you said, watching as Negan’s glimpsed up for a moment and another chuckle fell from your lips. “I’m kidding.” “Nah, you want pancakes, you’ll fuckin’ get ‘em”, he chuckled back, moving back in to first press a kiss to your lips before he caressed them over the sensitive skin o your neck. “We still got some chocolate sauce and whipped cream here so they’ll be a bomb ass good!”,he mumbled a little muffled before you could feel his lips forming into a a grin against your skin,”But I’ll first get you some of my whipped cream.” “Oh what the fuck”, you laughed out, feeling how his own laugh rumbled against the side of your neck before he got quiet for a moment and moved up to glimpse back at you. “I’m sorry.” “I know, Negan”,you mumbled, hoping that it would make him relax a little more as you reached up to stroke through his hair,”It’s okay, really” “Alright”, he nodded, gulping before he pecked your lips and let the grin grow back on his lips,”Then let’s get back to it!”

His promise didn’t stay unfulfilled. Something like this didn’t happen again and he just talked to you instead, just like with everything else and instead of the grumpy face you got some rough sex and hell, you could very well live with that. A small groan took you out of your spiraling thoughts again and another of Negan’s movements before you could hear his voice again. “Sorry for shifting so much”, Negan mumbled with a sigh after another couple of moment of unrest,”Can’t really fall asleep.” “It’s okay”, you responded as he moved a little to reach for his glass on the nightstand only to find it empty. “Ah fuck”, he groaned, letting out an annoyed sigh before he started to shift so he could sit up and swing his legs out of the bed, “Just gonna get some water” “Alright”, you yawned before you nodded towards your own empty nightstand,”Can you get me some too?” “‘Course”, he nodded, moving in for another moment to press a kiss against your temple before he got up, switched the light on his nightstand on, grabbed his empty glass and strolled out of the bedroom into the hallway, leaving you wondering if what you suspected as the cause of his sleeping problems was the real reason.

”There she is! Glad you’re here, I’m hungry as fuck, ain’t gonna lie”, Negan chuckled as he let you inside his office, moving in to press a kiss over your lips before he glimpsed with a wide grin at you. ”Sorry I’m a little late, this school’s a labyrinth”, you said, moving in to peck his lips again, glad to have found your way to him after all. You weren’t even exaggerating, for the local high school in a small town this place really was a labyrinth, especially when the office you had to find wasn’t even in the main building but in a slightly smaller one by the baseball field. “No problem, you’re here now so I’m good, had to check some schedule’s either way, got it done just now and the diner ain’t running away from us”, Negan said, the grin on his lips still bright before another male voice echoed through the hallway into the office. ”Negan? Where did you let your team put the bats? They’re not in the usual spot.” A groan fell from Negan’s lips, a displeased glance slipping into his eyes as they stared for a moment through the open door before he glimpsed back at you. ”Ah crap, I’m back in a minute”, he said, giving your shoulder a soft squeeze before he hurried out, leaving you alone in his office. It was actually a little cozier than you expected, the walls mostly covered with shelves, while the rest was reserved for two large picture frames with his old tricots stuck in them and a white board that was coated with Negan’s messy handwriting and a sloppy drawing of the baseball field. There were some utensils here and there, table tennis paddles and a baseball bat that had found their home in one corner of the room, and in the middle of it all, a large dark wooden desk and a black leather desk chair. The latter one was new, finally bought after you’d hear Negan curse about the shitty old one that had given his back a whole lot of pain. Slowly, you started to look around the office, peaking at the tricots in the frames and looking around in the shelves that were covered here and there in small trophies he’d won with his student’s teams, trying to pass the time since Negan obviously needed a little longer than a minute. With a small sigh you let yourself sink into the leather chair that still had that slightly newish scent, before your eyes roamed over the desk and suddenly got stuck on the very only photo that was standing neatly framed in a dark picture frame right next to some pens and documents. It was a photo of you, the same he had as his phone lockscreen. It was a spontaneous snap of the two of you, nothing planned and taken so fast you were honestly a little surprised the camera had been able to focus. You’d been standing by a lake, a stop on your walk through the forest, wrapped up in his arms and with his smiling lips pressed to your temple. There was a large smile on your lips, your eyes lit up by the warm light of the sunset, there were some loose strands in your face, your hair a bit messed up from the wind that day while your arms that were clad in the sleeves of a large hoodie you’d stolen from his closet were holding onto his arms. You liked that picture compared to many others, but Negan always seemed to have a big thing for it, even though you couldn’t exactly tell why and neither had you expected to find it here, as the only photo in his office, with half of him cut off to get more of you into the frame. A surprised but happy chuckle fell from your lips as you stood back up from the chair and leaned forward to grasp the photo, glimpsing at it while a warm, cozy feeling started to spread through your body. “Surprised?”, Negan’s voice suddenly sounded through to you, letting your glance shoot up from the photo to the man who was standing in the door frame, grinning widely at you. “Didn’t expect you to have a picture of me here”, you said, chuckling softly as he furrowed his eyebrows at you, though the look in his eyes was still rather soft. “Why not? Gotta be able to at least see my girl somehow when I can’t have her around”,he said, walking in and rounding the desk to get closer to you, “Keeps me motivated.” “But that one?”, you asked after another wave of warmth had washed through your body, holding the photo slightly irritated up just for Negan to quickly take it out of your hands. “That’s my fuckin’ favorite, don’t you say anything bad about it!”, he chuckled, looking playfully warning at you as he glimpsed from the photo up at you before a brighter grin flashed over his lips,”l’d also put a nude of you in there but a. I’d get in mad stress with the principal and b. I’d constantly jerk off in here.” “Wow”, you laughed, softly nudging his chest while a warm smile began to mix into his grin. “But no shit, this is really my favorite”, he emphasized again, looking down at the photo, “You just look so damn happy.” “Well the reason for that is almost cropped out in the top left corner”, you said, pointing at the edge as a thick but joyful chuckle left Negan’s lips before he set the photo carefully back to its place on the desk. “Shit, now we’re getting all sappy”, he said, moving in to wrap his arms around your waist while he sneaked his tongue over his lower lip,”And I thought I’d already have you bend over the desk by now.” “Too bad, huh?”, you chuckled, leaning up to peck his lips before a grumble rumbled through your stomach, reminding you of the reason behind coming here and picking Negan up. “Shit someone’s hungry”, Negan laughed, glimpsing down your body with a wider growing grin,“C’mon let’s go get some food in that pretty mouth.” You could hear Negan rummaging around in the kitchen downstairs while you cuddled a little more into the pillows, waiting for him to come back upstairs. He took longer than you expected for simply getting two glasses of water and while part of you started to contemplate whether you should just address the elephant in the room as soon as he would come back up, the other part of you started to fall back into your thoughts.

“I got ya”, Negan called out as soon as you could feel his hands grabbing your hips, a loud giggle leaving your lips as you fell into the blanket and the pile of pillows that were sprawled out on top of it in the middle of the garden. It was about 1am by now, and besides the small garden lamp that was just bright enough to see each others faces there was nothing else that enlightened the night sky besides the moon, yet. There was a meteor shower that was supposed to cover the firmament tonight, not covered by any lousy clouds that had withheld the experience of shooting stars until now from you. Tonight was gonna be the night you would actually get to see them, you were sure of it, if Negan and the coffee he’d made the both of you to stay awake till the early morning hours wouldn’t distract you all too much. “Late night coffee turns you into some hyperactive kid”, you laughed as Negan trapped you underneath him, pressing your back into the soft pillows while a wide grin pressed in over his face. “Nah you just hype me up”, he chuckled, grinning roguishly down on you, leaning in to peck your lips before you could feel one of his hands traveling down your body, to the spot he had already teased earlier. ”Stop”, you laughed as soon as he brushed his fingers lightly over your side and your hip, hitting all the ticklish spots on his way while you squirmed underneath him, trying to get words through the laughs that were falling from your lips. ”That’s unfair, I can’t get to your ticklish spots!”, you complained, trying to reach out to him but instead he pushed himself up, though staying close enough to continue his little torture. ”Well that’s kind of the plan, Sweetheart”, he chuckled, winking at you as his fingers brushed once more along your skin, pushing your body to flinch again “Oh you asshole.” “Careful!”, he called out as you tried to reach out for him again, the tone more playful than anything as you grinned up at him, watching as the dim light danced over his handsome face before you saw a bright, shimmering light starting to shoot over the nightsky, making its way over the firmament as you gasped in excitement. “There’s one!” ”I swear if you’re doing this to attack my ass-” ”No, look”, you shook your head quickly before nodding up, watching as Negan turned around and caught the next shooting star flying over the sky. “Shit! Looks like the Universe is shooting cum shots!”, he called with a booming laugh out, letting himself fall next to you in the very next moment while another wide grin dragged itself over his face. “I get to wish for a shitton tonight!” “You can’t tell me though”,you warned, glimpsing at Negan who was starting to look like a kid at Christmas morning,”Else it won’t come true” “Can’t risk that”, he chuckled, looking down from the sky to you for a moment to wink at you once more and lean in to press a quick kiss over your lips right before looking back up. it got silent for a moment as you stared in awe at the shooting stars that kept making their way over the dark sky, giving you enough time to think up your wishes before Negan cleared his throat and the corners of his lips started to twitch lightly, turning them into a wider smirk. “Well alright then...I wished just now that we wouldn’t fuck right on this damn blanket as soon as the universe has finished shooting its cum through the sky.” “You fucking goofball”, you chuckled, nudging his side playfully as another thick laugh rumbled through his chest before you leaned in to press a kiss to his stubbly cheek,”Lets hope for you that reverse psychology works on shooting stars.” “Mhmm, come here”, he chuckled, wrapping an arm around you to pull you close to his side. You cuddled up to him, moving to get comfy in between the pillows as Negan pressed a small kiss to your temple and held you tight while the shooting stars continued to rain down on you.

Finally, you could hear Negan’s footsteps coming up the stairs before he pushed the leaned door with his hip a little open and stepped back inside, taking a sip of his water before he handed yours over to you. “Here we go”, he said, a grin on his face that made him seem a little less tense than before as he placed the glass back on his nightstand and slipped back into the bed next to you, shifting close as you took a sip and pushed the glass onto your nightstand as well. Just as you moved back you could feel Negan already pulling you closer so you could huddle right back into him and feel him shifting so he could lay on his side and glimpse at you. You couldn’t directly pinpoint it but something was different now and just as you wanted to ask him if he was okay you felt him tightening his embrace around you, giving you another grin before he leaned in to press a warm kiss over your lips.

Still shaking you leaned against Negan’s chest, your slowly steady growing breath hitting his neck while you still sat on the wooden kitchen table. The warm morning sun was streaming through the windows and danced over your naked legs that had slumped from their hooked position around Negan’s hips to the ground. You could nearly still feel him thrusting into you, his hips moving against yours, his strong pounds letting the massive table shake underneath you while you clung shaking onto him. “Shit, it that ain’t the right way to start off the day”, Negan’s chuckled, moving his head to press a sloppy kiss to your temple while you slowly nodded, humming in agreement just before the clicking sound of the toaster made you flinch and snapped you back into reality. ”Fuck”, Negan cursed, letting out a loud groan as he slowly pulled himself away from you,”Those fuckin’ toasts.” Tugging on his sweatpants he shuffled them back over his legs, moving across the kitchen while the slightly burned scent that started to spread through the kitchen already gave away what Negan was calling out in the next moment. “Ah shit, it’s all burned”, he groaned moving to the counter, shortly revealing the toasts that had skipped half out of the toaster and were as dark as coal by now. “That quickie was worth it though”, he chuckled, turning around just enough to shoot you wolfish grin while a soft laugh left your lips as you shifted over the wood. “Yeah”, you nodded, tugging slightly on one of Negan’s white shirts that swung loosely around your body while Negan moved towards the bread bag and pulled out two fresh toasts. “Gonna put in some others”, Negan huffed, popping the new ones inside before he leaned down to the regulator on the toasters side, groaning slightly,”Gotta get a new one, this fucker’s a real asshole, always switches the times up. Those toasts should’ve been in there for what? Two minutes? Not the whole time we were fucking.” Another small huff left his lips before he started to ease up again as he seemed to spot something on the edge of the counter that motivated him enough to reach towards is and enclose it with his hands. “There’s something I wanted to give you, forgot it last night”, he said, a smile pressing in on his lips as he turned around, keeping whatever he’d just grabbed tightly in his hand so you had no change to guess what it actually was. “Open your hand”,he chucked as he strolled towards you, the grin widening a little as he caught your furrowed brows and the slightly irritated yet excited look in your eyes,”Just do it.” “Okay”, you said with a small chuckle, opening your palm flat out as Negan moved up to place something cool and small on your skin, the edges and ridges giving its identity away even before he moved his hands away. A silver key, attached to a small dark brown leather band that kept it in place while its sight first brought confusion into your mind before it quickly started to dim on you as soon as you glimpsed back up at him. “Y’know I want us to move in together someday...you know, when the time’s right, but till then...I just want you to know that this here is your home too”, he said, the warm smile on his face almost completely overtaking the grin as a wave of warmth started to spread through you,”And you can come here whenever you damn please.” You still must’ve looked surprised as hell, speechless even more as you stared at him, your lips drawing into a wider smile as Negan shrugged his shoulders softly. “We spend most of our time ‘round here either way, it’s only logical for you to have your own set of keys”, he said, moving a little closer to wrap an arm around you while the grin started to tug on the corners of his lips again and the roguishness found its way back into his eyes, “Plus, you can surprise me naked in bed when I come back from work.” “Oh so that’s the real reason?”, you asked with a laugh, finally finding words again as you softly shoved his chest only to see him shaking his head. “Nah, only the fucking cherry on top”, he said, winking at you before he leaned in to press a kiss to your temple,”Wanna have my girl around.” “Thank you, thank you so much”, you mumbled, slumping a little more in to wrap your arms around his torso and hug him, nuzzling your face into his warm chest as he pulled you closer into his embrace, humming contently. “No need to thank me for th-”, Negan started just before the plopping sound of the toaster sounded through the air again. It was loud enough to let the both of you flinch up and shoot your glances to the toasts that were instead of coal black finally deliciously golden brown, eliciting a loud, relieved chuckle to fall from Negan’s lips. “Oh fuckin’ finally!”

Negan’s lips still lingered over yours, moving over them as he a deep groan rumbled through his chest and vibrated against your body beneath him. Still a little startled you let out a surprised hum as he moved for a short moment back to glimpse at you right before pecking your lips again. “So surprised I wanna kiss my girl?”, he asked with a small chuckle, moving a little further over your body while you shook your head. “Nah”,you mumbled before you looked up at him with a small laugh,”Just thought you’d shut the lights down and we’d get right back to cuddling ‘cause you yawned your ass off before we got up here.” “Mhmm we can postpone that a little”, he mumbled back, right back at planting another kiss to your lips while a soft chuckle fell from your lips. “Okay.”

It was already near midnight when you found yourself sitting in front of your laptop, surrounded by uncountable open books and papers while the work you still had to finish didn’t seem to become less. Feeling your concentration and motivation vanish with each moment more you glimpsed from your spot at the kitchen table through the slightly opened door into the living room where Negan was sitting on the couch and was skipping through the TV programs. You’d do a lot to just cuddle up next to him on there now, but you knew you couldn’t and this simple fact brought your mood even further down than it already was. You’d been busy for weeks now, with barely any time for Negan left and this situation wouldn’t change as fast as you wished it would. Maybe one or two more weeks, but it still was too much for you at this time. It was exhausting, truly, and it didn’t help that you felt terrible for only being able to spend the mere minimum of the day and night with him. Sighing you squeezed your eyes, trying to get your concentration back on as you stared at the open document on your laptop before you heard the slight squeaking of the couch as Negan lifted himself up from it and started to stroll towards the kitchen, sipping on some whiskey while a slightly concerned look was laying over his face as he moved into the room. “How is it goin’?”, Negan mumbled, setting his glass on the table, on one of the last spare spots that didn’t cover the wood in books or papers and leaned down, pressing a warm kiss to your neck before he nuzzled his nose into your skin. “Honestly?”, you asked with a bitter chuckle, though part of your body started to slightly relax with each time you felt his warm breath brush over your side. “Honest as fuck”, he mumbled against your skin, before he leaned a little back, just enough to make you turn your head and look at him. “Shitty”, you sighed, watching the concern grow on his face as he dropped down on the chair diagonally from you at the short side of the table, watching as he grasped your hand and gave it a loving squeeze. It was soothing, really, but at the same time it gave you a sting, letting you realize once more how little attention you were able to give him during the last time. ”I’m sorry”, you gulped, feeling a small lump starting to grow in your throat fueled by the stress, exhaustion and frustration that were pressing in on you. ”For what?”, he asked, furrowing his brows, his hand still holding onto yours while another tight breath left your lips. ”That I don’t have time for you”, you mumbled, gulping thickly as a deep sigh fell from Negan’s lips as he shuffled a little closer to you with is chair. ”C’mon you really don’t need to apologize ‘bout that. It’s just temporary”, he said, giving you a soft smile as his hand left yours and instead reached up to cup your cheek, his soothing voice and touch starting to kick something off in you that had been suppressed by the pressure within you,”And don’t worry about my ass now.” You slowly, nodded, trying to gulp the lump in your throat away but instead it seemed to grow more, its presence spreading more tension over your face as Negan guided your face softly but firmly enough to make you look at him. ”What’s going on, huh?” ”I don’t now”,you said, trying to somehow put the thoughts in your head into coherent sentences,”I’m trying but I just keep losing my concentration and get distracted...it’s just too much and it’s not stopping.” “Well probably because you’ve been working on this shit for way too fucking long. Sure your head’s gonna get tired of this crap. Don’t beat yourself up, Sweetheart, that’s normal”, Negan quickly replied, brushing his thumb over your cheek before he leaned a little further in to glimpse at you,”And while we’re at it. Don’t you think you need a little break?” ”I do but if I take a break I don’t have enough time to finish this”, you said, your glance waving to the packed table just as Negan’s touch made your attention come back to him. ”You remember when I was hanging all night over these fuckin’ exams, grading the shit outta them?”, he asked and you could already tell where this was going ,”And you told me if I would take a break I’d be faster and more focused afterwards?” A tight chuckle left your lips mixing with a sigh as you tried to brush it off but Negan was quick to counter. ”Don’t do that, you know it’s true!” ”Yeah”, you mumbled, even though you a small voice in the back of your head was pushing you to keep trying to finish this now, afraid to fail if you wouldn’t. ”So just lemme relax you a little”, Negan added, his hand slipping from your cheek to your neck, the familiar smirk back on his lips. ”I’m not that much in the mood for-” ”I know”, he chuckled, his tongue sneaking over his bottom lip as he leaned a little further in,”I could tell. I got another idea...you’re gonna let me show you?” ”And after you can get back to this, all nice and relaxed”, he added with a bigger growing grin waiting before you slowly started to nod. Regardless of how much pressure you were still feeling, a break with Negan just sounded too good to resist right now. And so you followed him into the living room, his hand still locked around yours until you settled down on the couch and watched Negan grabbing the remote, stepping to the TV before he started to skip from the show he’s been watching till now to the music section. “What are you doing?”, you asked, watching curiously and a little confused while Negan only grinned for a moment back at you before he turned back to the TV. “You’ll see”, he said, starting to skip through playlists and songs, keeping the confusion in you up and going,“I’m just searching for that song you like.” “Alright”, you chuckled, deciding to just let him surprise you while he skipped through the songs, starting to swing his hips a little when the melodies sounded through the room. He looked funny like that and you couldn’t stifle your chuckles as you watched his slightly ligneous movements. “Don’t laugh, these hips are perfect for fuckin’ not dancing, you gotta have your priorities”, he laughed, giving you a playful glare while you nodded with another chuckle. “I know”, you said, grinning back at him before he seemed to have found the song he was searching for, leaving you in the dark for a moment as his figure covered the album cover on the TV before he hit play, tossed the remote onto one of the leather armchairs and moved back towards you. “C’mere”, he said, extending his hand for you to take hit and allow him to lift you back onto your feed while the familiar melody started to sound through the living room and you got where he was about to take this,”Maybe lil’ cheesy but this might help to take your pretty head off this shit...and its a bit more creative than just cuddling the shit outta ya.” Negan let out another small but throaty chuckle as he moved to wrap an arm around your body, pulling you tightly against his chest while you started to relax and settled against him as he started to slowly swing from side to side. Moving his head a little he leaned his against yours, pressing a small kiss to your temple as he cradled you against his body and allowed his warmth to take you in, allow you to close your eyes and breath deeply through. “That was a good idea”, you mumbled, leaning your head against his warm neck, breathing in his scent and feeling his arm tightening a little more around you as he chuckled softly against your skin, “Thank you.” “Mhmm anytime”, Negan mumbled back, pressing another kiss to your skin while you cuddled closer, “Not like I don’t get any benefits from this here.” His chest rumbled against your body as one of his hands traveled a little down your body, moving to caress over your ass and give it a quick but firm squeeze while another laugh fell from your lips. “Oh that’s why you wanted to slow dance”, you chuckled, still remaining cuddled up to him while you could feel him shaking his head slightly. “Nah, just the cherry on top”, he mumbled back, moving his hand back to pull you closer and keep you deeply in his embrace while the stress within you started to beat retreat, allowing you to relax a little and shut down the suspense that was still lingering in the back of your head for a moment. It wasn’t completely gone and you knew that this wouldn’t happen, but that was okay. For now, you were happy just like this, wrapped up in Negan’s arms and swinging softly from side to side to the sound of the music.

You could feel yourself still thinking about this moment in the living room when Negan started to plant kisses along your jaw, his large hand cupping your waist, making sure that you stayed closely by his side and giving you the same warm feeling as you had when you’d swayed through the room downstairs. Another small hum left Negan’s lips as he moved a little closer while you could feel an urge in you pushing you to finally get clarity into this whole situation. You didn’t want to push him, not ever, but you couldn’t keep on going like this either, unsure and with the both of you too rilled up to fall asleep. “Alright, what’s going in with you”, you asked with a soft chuckle, trying to keep the slight nervousness in you down as Negan halted for a moment you could swear that the tension from before started to slip back over his body. A small sigh left his lips as he slowly backed away, just enough to glimpse at you, the grin gone from his face and replaced with a slightly nervous expression. ”I know you heard”, he mumbled as one of his hands reached up to let his thumb stroke softly along your jaw, his eyes following its movement for a moment as it it would help him to collect his thoughts. Another thick gulp travelled down his throat while you could feel yourself growing a little tense, unsure of what to expect. “I should’ve had the balls to just speak it out”, he said, a nervous chuckle falling from his lips as his eyes finally found yours again and the tension slowly started to transform into warmth,”Not just on the couch today, way fucking earlier.” A smile started to grow on your lips as your eyes stayed fixed on him, watching as he gulped thickly before a smile began to tuck on the corners of his lips as well. “I love you”, he finally said, eliciting a wave of happiness to wash over you while a part of you was still asking itself if you were dreaming for a moment. The smile on Negan’s lips broke fully through as he glimpsed at you, another chuckle, now more happy than nervous falling from his lips as he let out a deep, content sigh, ”Fuck, I love you so goddamn much.”

________

Lyrics: (Unless Tumblr screwed the fonts up, the bolt words below are those that I especially used in this imagine!)

One look, dark room Men just for you Time moved too fast You played it back Buttons on a coat Light hearted joke No proof not much But you saw enough Small talk, he drives Coffee at midnight, the light reflects The chain on your neck He says look up And your shoulders brush No proof, one touch You felt enough

You can hear it in the silence, silence, you You can feel it on the way home, way home, you You can see it with the lights out, lights out You are in love, true love You are in love

Morning, his place Burnt toast, Sunday You keep his shirt He keeps his word And for once you let go Of your fears and your ghosts One step, not much, but it said enough You kissed on sidewalks You fight and you talk One night he wakes, strange look on his face Pauses, then says, you're my best friend And you knew what it was, he is in love

You can hear it in the silence, silence, you You can feel it on the way home, way home, you You can see it with the lights out, lights out You are in love, true love

So it goes You two are dancing in a snow globe, go round and round And he keeps the picture of you in his office downtown You understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars And why I've spent my whole life try to put it into words

'Cause you can hear in the silence You can feel it on the way home You can see it with the lights out You are in love, true love You're in love

You can hear it in the silence, silence, you You can feel it on the way home, way home, you You can see it with the lights out, lights out You are in love, true love You're in love You can hear it in the silence, silence, you You can feel it on the way home, way home, you You can see it with the lights out, lights out You are in love, true love You're in love

#twd #Negan #the walking dead #negan imagine #negan x reader #negan imagines #twd imagines #twd imagine #negan's network #nts #the walking dead imagines #the walking dead imagine #thewalkingdead-imagines #negan fluff #negan request #twd negan

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kafka-ish · 4 years

Text

stuck between a rock and a hard place | s.u.

after one fateful night, stan uris finds himself stuck between a rock and a hard place when him and his friend like the same girl.

word count: 5,428

warnings/included: pining, love triangle, fem!reader

request: (from anonymous) “could you write a bill denbrough, reader, and stanley uris love triangle? maybe where they’re always trying to one up each other for her attention? ty”

“I don’t get what you see in her.” Stan was eyeing y/n from across the cafeteria while Bill droned on for what must have been the fourth time that week about how amazing she was.

“Wuh-well, you wouldn’t under-st-hand.” Bill shook his head. He wasn’t about to try to convince his friend how amazing she made him feel. It was just how he felt.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t get it.” Stan squinted at the girl’s figure. Sure, she was pretty, but looks aren’t everything. “And I don’t get why you insist on sending her things anonymously.”

“If yo-you liked some-someone, wuh-wuh-wouldn’t you want t-to sh-show them?”

Stan’s gaze which was previously fixed on y/n switched to Bill. He gave him a glare because he didn’t understand. “If I liked someone, I would tell them,” he scoffed.

Bill could see where Stan was coming from. The only issue was that he was just too nervous to tell y/n, let alone talk to her. The two shared chemistry and a study hall period together but Bill still hadn’t found an excuse to talk to her. He also hadn’t found a way around his stutter. He wanted his moment with her to be perfect; no stutter, no embarrassment; just the two of them sharing a mutual conversation about whatever… and her finally realizing he’s the perfect match.

He shrugged at Stan’s remark. So, what if his friend didn’t understand? That only meant less competition.

“Hey guys!” Beverly drew both boys’ attention away from Bill’s crush. “There’s a party tonight. Whatd’ya say we all go together?”

“Count me the fuck in!” Richie was the first to reply, enthusiastically at that.

“I have a test tomorrow.” If Stan had a nickel for every time the Losers wanted to do something irrational, he’d be loaded.

“All the more reason to get drunk off your ass.” Richie Tozier had a grin on his face that there was no use wiping off.

And if Stan had a nickel for every time the Losers had convinced him into doing something stupid, he’d be stupid loaded.

The party was at who-knows-where’s house serving who-knows-what.

“Stanny! Stan the Man!” It was Richie Tozier, the convincer himself. He slurred Stan’s name and tripped his way over to the corner Stan was huddled in. “Yougottatrythis.” Richie’s words were incoherent and if he hadn’t been friends with Stan for so long, or were shoving a red solo cup full of something Stan didn’t want to know was in, Stan may have never guessed what his friend was trying to say.

“No thanks—”

“C’monnn.” Groan. “Don’t act like you’re above us, just cos yer sober.” Richie gave him a mopey look that Stan was sure was just another way to mock him.

‘Stan the Man’ did eventually take the cup. Not because he wanted to, but because of the way Richie was jerking it so much, he was afraid some of the contents may spill on his shirt, which he just pressed. Curiously, he brought the plastic cup closer to his nose so he could examine the contents inside better.

His nose twitched at the scent.

It reeked of stale beer, vodka, and was that someone’s mom’s wine?

And although the thought of drinking alcohol before an important day was tempting… Stan knew better. Making an appearance at a lame party rather than studying would be the worst of his crimes tonight. He held the cup away from his face, as far as possible, and started watching the morons around him.

They were drunk to their stomachs; happily grinding against each other to the beat of the music that blasted on the radio. They wouldn’t remember this night if they tried.

Stan, however, would remember. He would remember every detail of this boring party, where no one talked to him; where there’d be throw up in the pool to clean out the next day; where the cops would show up in an hour because the houses next door called in complaints. And Stan would be able to pass his Algebra test with ease the next day while everyone else would be using what was left of their braincells to remember how to factor an imaginary number.

“Hey!” Oh god. It was y/n. What was she doing next to him? The two barely knew each other. In fact, if Bill hadn’t taken a liking to her, or if Stan weren’t friends with Bill, he doubted he’d even know of her existence.

“Hi…” Stan looked skeptically at the girl who was practically throwing herself at him. “Do you need something?”

y/n only hummed in response. She was swaying to the song playing in the background, but her movements didn’t match the beat at all, and she looked just as wasted as the rest of the room.

“Do you speak English?” Stan’s eyebrows furrowed. He leaned down to meet her height. His eyes widened with surprise when she, once again didn’t reply, but wrapped her arm around his neck. Her touch was velvet and she smelled like roses.

Until she opened her mouth.

The potent stench of that cheap alcohol potion, Stan had briefly been intrigued by, hit his nose. He wanted so desperately to get away from her—pass her on to Bill, or something. But she placed a sloppy kiss on his lips just in time.

He’d been embarrassed to admit that was his first kiss.

You were supposed to have your first kiss with your girlfriend, or the girl next door, or best friend. Not with a stranger at some raunchy house party you were dragged to by your idiot friends. And certainly not with the girl your friend liked. But here Stan was, breaking all the rules.

There was something encapsulating about her cherry lip gloss which was smeared from when she kissed him and the way she stumbled terribly because of her inebriated state. Maybe Stan did understand.

y/n’s arm was still wrapped around his neck and her lips were dangerously close to his. He thought she was about to go in for another kiss until words made their way from her lips.

“Take me home?” Stan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This girl who he’d never met before was taking a chance on a total stranger to take her home, trusting that he wouldn’t kidnap or murder her.

“I don’t even know you.” Stan tried his best to look bored when, in reality, this offer was tempting.

“Pleaseeee.” She was now clinging to him for dear life. “I think all my friends left me.” Her pouty expression was the final catalyst to Stan’s reaction.

“In that case… How could I say no?” It was as if his whole personality flipped a switch. His once stone cold and albeit, annoyed, features washed away, revealing a kindhearted guy only the Losers really got a chance to see.

A drunken giggle left her lips and y/n’s arm removed itself from Stan’s neck only to find itself tightly coiled around his arm. This was y/n’s signal for Stan to start making his way through the crowd in order to search for the front door. A task the boy already knew would be horrible.

He started awkwardly shifting and contorting himself just so he wouldn’t have to feel the sweaty bodies surrounding him. He also made sure not to lose y/n, but that task served pretty much impossible due to how fixed her grasp on his arm was.

It didn’t take long for Stan to finally reach the front door (which was somehow trashed). Thank god his shoes, and none of the other items on his being, for that matter, had come into contact with sticky liquid or bodily fluids. But the doorknob was covered in a substance that made Stan visibly cringe when he touched it.

“God, what do people do here.” y/n, still lazily hanging on was about to open her mouth. “I don’t want to know,” Stan said, quickly, looking at her from the corner of his eye.

A laugh so pleasant it made puppies look like beasts fell from y/n’s perfect lips. The longer Stan spent with this girl, the more he found to like about her.

A crisp breeze blew its way to the two of them and Stan wondered how it was this cold already when just last week it reached the seventies. The transition from summer to fall always bewildered him, no matter how many times he’d experience it.

“How far did you park?” She grew impatient and Stan couldn’t blame her. If he were in her shoes, he wouldn’t even want to stand. Fortunately, he could see the hood of his car peeking out from behind a someone’s Ford.

“Only a few more steps.” Stan reassured. His pace picked up and before another complaint could slip out of y/n’s mouth. “Oh, look at that, we’re already here.” He opened the door for her, but she didn’t budge. “Are you… gonna get in?” Stan waited rather impatiently for the girl who was lollygagging in front of the open door.

Wordlessly, she turned to face him and held her arms open and Stan understood.

Even though he sighed, Stan still picked her up and placed her gently in the passenger seat of his car.

“Such a gentleman,” she mumbled into his neck before he parted from her. Stan couldn’t help but smile at the remark.

It took awhile for him to find her address. y/n was too out of it to form any coherent sentence besides “you must be the coolest guy ev-ur” and what happened to be the lyrics to Highway to Hell. But after (uncomfortably and frantically) rifling through her purse, after asking where her house was and y/n only pointing to inside her bag, Stan had found the tag of the purse marked with her address in pink sharpie also signed with a heart.

Neither said much on the drive there. Stan was inexperienced with talking to drunk girls, besides Bev, and y/n looked like she was inexperienced with talking. Nonetheless, he tried to make the best of it. He turned on the radio to his favorite station and let the songs carry him through the night.

“Thanks—thank you.” y/n said once Stan had arrived at her place. He walked her up to the porch; her figure stabilized by his arms. Her eyes burned holes through his under the moonlight and Stan was rendered speechless. “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.” She started to sway again like she did at the party, but there was no music to dance to.

“You’re welcome.” Stan had finally mustered the courage to say, but he scolded himself internally for how lame he probably sounded.

“Well… goodnight.” y/n giggled drunkenly before her lips grazed his left cheek softly. It blossomed pink once she touched him. Could it even be considered a touch? It was so light, almost feather-like, and if Stan weren’t watching her like a hawk, he would have missed it.

The door shut with a slam and he cursed in his head for doing this to Bill and he cursed in his head the next day when his mind drew a blank on his functions test.

This was just great.

He scratched his head, as if that would somehow release the numerical knowledge he needed in order to at least get a sixty percent. Alas, it did nothing but relieve the itching on his dry scalp.

He silently racked his brain, yet nothing came. The only thing that came to mind were the events of last night. Are you kidding?

The bell rung.

Stan looked down at his paper only to find his name written neatly and compactly on the line reserved for it in dark lead and a measly ten questions out of the twenty answered. He pressed his lips together so hard, he thought they may bruise. Everyone else was already out the door, except for the slower kids in the back who took their sweet time.

“Uris.” The hairs on Stan’s arm stood to attention when he heard his name being called. He looked around to find the classroom was empty except for him and Mr. Burgess.

“Yes?” Stan looked up to the authority figure and he was wondering if he should pathetically ask for extra time on his test during another period or if he should turn it in as is.

“Don’t you have another class to get to?” Mr. Burgess was patient, but there would be another round of students filing in any minute now.

“Yeah.” Stan stood up and gathered his things. He was hasty but took enough time to put each item in their designated place. “I didn’t get a chance to finish.” Stan was aware third period was now replacing the empty seats and he lowered his voice.

“I see…” Mr. Burgess eyed the paper, both front and back, and then set it on a stack of papers from Stan’s class. “You can finish tomorrow. Either come in early or stay late.”

And at that, Stan was on his merry way to Mrs. Baker’s World Civilization class- or would be. He stopped dead in his tracks when his path crossed y/n’s, a detail he never noticed. Her hands were covering her face to hide the blush that quickly raced to the apples of her cheeks. She was admiring something in her locker, but he couldn’t tell what. One of her girlfriends was standing with her, sharing the same giggles and same look of awe in her eyes.

Stan soon found out her blush was the work of Bill Denbrough’s when the Losers met up at lunch. They were sitting together like they always did, too engrossed in conversation to worry about what the lunch ladies’ specialty was today.

“I h-h-hope y/n luh-likes wh-what I g-guh-gave her,” Bill said all too suddenly.

“I’m sure she will,” Beverly reassured.

“What’d you get her.” It was hard for Stan to contain the jealousy that leaked from his words and instead of a question it sounded more like a demand.

“W-wuh-well usually I ju-just stick a skuh-skuh-sk-hetch in there or-or flow-flowers or something st-stupid an-and sm-small.” Bill cleared his throat as if that would rid him of his speech impediment. “Bu-but thi-this t-t-time I told her-”

“Did’ya sign your name?” Richie inquired. Usually he wouldn’t be interested in this sort of sappy stuff, but he was eager to see the development between Bill and his crush—rather, if Bill would ever grow the balls to reveal himself as y/n’s admirer.

Bill swallowed and kept silent.

“So, no.” Stan rolled his eyes. “I’m not surprised.”

Bill gave his friend a skeptical look. He was confused. While Stan was usually the most passive aggressive of the group, he was never this… insolent. But he shrugged off the countless possibilities for why Stan was acting this way.

“Are you ever gonna tell her?” Richie seemed about just as annoyed as Stan was.

“Wh-when the t-t-time’s ruh-ruh-right.” Bill looked to both Stan and Richie sternly, but the two knew better than that. When the time’s right.

Yeah right.

Stan thought back to the scene at y/n’s locker from earlier. The morally sound thing to do would be to tell Bill. Tell Bill how y/n and her friend gushed at the sight of what was inside of her locker. Tell him how y/n’s knees were practically weak while she hid her face furiously with the sleeve of her shirt.

But nothing came out of his mouth. In fact, his mouth never opened. Stan stayed quiet for the last fifteen minutes that the Losers all had together. He stayed quiet as he stared at his salad and thought of y/n.

The y/n who was in an inappropriate state when he took her home. The y/n who was his first kiss. The y/n who was Bill’s crush.

Stan sat on this fact for a while.

He was at his desk, his eyebrows furrowed, and nose scrunched, while thinking this ridiculous inner conflict over. Something in his gut told Stan that Bill was never going to tell y/n how he felt. Bill Denbrough was not someone you’d label a coward, but god, when it came to girls, he was a pussy. On the other hand, there was something else that twisted his insides in another manner, telling Stan even if Bill never told y/n how he felt, that doesn’t mean he should swoop in either.

Stanley Uris was in a pickle.

His lips, once again, pressed against each other tightly, so tight he could feel bone. The mental wheels in his mind were turning, but no matter how far they spun, he still reached no conclusion.

An hour had passed when Stan finally looked at the analog clock that stood on the edge of his desk.

“If I tied a noose around my neck, I bet I’d come to a better conclusion,” Stan said darkly under his breath. He was still staring at the clock. It was getting late, but Richie Tozier would say that’s just when the fun’s starting.

Personally, Stan liked getting a head start on his bedtime routine. The other Losers made fun of him for it, but it kept him sane. He stretched, still sitting down and a yawn left his mouth. He padded his way to the bathroom just across the hall so he could brush his teeth and then change.

When his head full of curls hit his wrinkle free pillowcase and his arms pulled over his comforter to his chest, he assumed all thoughts of y/n would be gone. He would go to sleep, leaving the unconscious to take over his mind and body and he would forget.

He would forget the flowery scent that lingered on his shirt that night because she pressed herself so close to him. He would forget the feeling of her fingers that swept against him in the gentlest way and he would forget how he ever longed to feel them against the rest of him. He would forget that she kissed him—twice. When he would wake, he would have no recollection of that night and for all he knew, he’d never been kissed.

But Stan woke up to the burning want—no. The burning need to tell y/n how he felt. He knew he’d only known her for a fleeting moment, and it was absurd to catch feelings for someone you barely knew. But telling her would be the only way to ease the funny feeling in Stan’s stomach which seemed to be in knots lately.

At least that’s what Stan told himself as he walked up to y/n’s locker during the five-minute passing period they had between second and third period.

Luckily, y/n was there, and he wasn’t just about to confess to a slab of metal. She was chatting up the same friend from yesterday and the same glow lit up her eyes as she was explaining something to her.

“Isn’t it so thoughtful?” Stars replaced her pupils and she ran her fingers over the inked piece of parchment that was slipped into her locker from today.

“There’s no name,” her friend deadpanned. She, too, was looking at the note with y/n. But instead of fawning over the piece of work, she stared unimpressed—bored, almost.

“So?” y/n huffed. “It’s the thought that counts.”

“I think it would count more if you knew who it was from.” Stan wanted to smirk and tell Bill I told you so as he overheard their conversation.

“Yeah but—” y/n’s friend was waiting for her to finish but she stopped once she recognized the boy in front of them. “Hi!” She smiled at Stan and it was now his turn to say something.

“Hello.” He looked between y/n and her friend to which her friend then spoke up.

“I guess I’ll be going now.” And then three became two.

“What’s up?” y/n was oddly cheery considering it was eleven a.m. on a school day.

Where should I start?

Stan looked to her awkwardly and scratched his shoulder. He then noticed the piece of paper that most likely Bill had slipped in her locker that morning. It was a landscape drawing of Main Street, but there was a hidden message written within the building signs. Stan couldn’t quite make out what the message said, but he was sure it said something along the lines of: my heart beats for yours. Something Stan would never understand.

“Can you make this quick? Or maybe you can tell me at lunch?” y/n offered. The drawing was now out of sight—either back in her locker or tucked away in her backpack which was slung over her shoulder.

“I’ll tell you at lunch.” Stan felt his toes curl in his shoes and his heartbeat quicken under his skin.

y/n nodded and walked off. They didn’t need to say goodbye to each other because they’d be meeting each other in an hour, give or take.

y/n would be sitting by herself at a table in the far corner of the cafeteria. Stan spotted her easily because ever since that night it was as if the image of her was ingrained in his brain.

“I’ve been on the edge of my seat ever since you came up to me at my locker,” y/n admitted. There was sort of a shyness that carried itself through her voice that Stan didn’t recognize. She was different under the influence. Confident. Bold. Affectionate. Different. But here she was, in front of him; hunched over, exposing her insecurity of the situation. The fact that she had told him she was anxious for this moment was big for her.

“Really?” Disbelief marked Stan’s face. Girls didn’t usually jump at a chance at Stan and Stan didn’t usually jump at the chance at girls. His studies took too much time away from his social life and the Losers proved to be enough social interaction for him, no matter how many times they’d encouraged him to get out there.

Bill, Stan, Eddie, and Richie were all hanging out in Bill’s room. Richie leaned against the cracked window while he smoked and Eddie sat next to him, taking puffs from his inhaler similarly to how Richie took breaths of the cigarette. He was cautious of the secondhand smoke he feared would enter his lungs. Bill was busy messing with his new record player.

“Record players are so old.” Eddie’s nose scrunched when The Cure started playing but no sign of malice could be detected from his voice.

“Sh-sh-shut up.” Bill laughed and joined the other three, crossing his legs as he sat.

Stan faintly recalled him then going on about y/n and he could sense the others internally groaning with him.

“T-today, her h-h-hand brushed uh-against mine when we were g-getting beakers… ff-for our lab.” His lips curled into an even bigger smile just thinking about it. But he was always smiling at the thought of her. He was now laying on the hardwood floor. His fingers were laced together and stretched behind his head.

It was just a simple interaction, but Bill remembered every detail. He felt his body transport itself to dream world.

Bill was sitting at the lab table with his two other partners—a football player named Jack and a blonde girl named Stacy. He knew as much about them as they knew about him and it wasn’t in his plans to make buddy-buddy with the two. He took the cue to leap from his stool when their teacher announced that one person from each group gets supplies and y/n y/l/n was the designated supplies-getter.

Hastily, he walked over to the cabinet where the beakers were stored. There was already a crowd of unenthusiastic students lined up to get their share and luckily, they cleared the air soon enough. It proved no difficulty for Bill to reach the top shelf, as he had done many times before, but he found it hard to breathe once another, smaller, hand came into contact with his own. Her nails were filed perfectly and painted a deep shade of blue that were chipped to infinity, reminding him of Richie. A silver band hugged her ring finger that felt cold compared to the rest of her hand that pressed against his.

“Excuse me,” she whispered, and Bill gladly stepped aside.

“You can be a sap sometimes, Big Bill,” Richie said, shaking Bill from his daydream.

Bill rolled his eyes and sat up. He wasn’t in the mood to make a jab at Richie, but it would’ve done him good. “I-ih-t’s called having a h-h-heart. You sh-should t-t-t-try it sometime.”

“Oh, it hurts me that you think I’m heartless.” Richie sighed and leaned a little too close for Eddie’s liking. “You don’t think I’m heartless, do ya, Eds?” He started making kissy faces before he doubled over into his lap.

“Shove off.” Eddie pushed him so his side was pressed into the floorboard as he continued to laugh.

“Wuh-wuh-what ab-out you Stan?” Bill turned his attention towards Stan who was listening quietly. His back stood straight, and he hadn’t changed his position since he sat down.

“What about me?” Stan wondered. He was sure this conversation was going to lead into some sort of back and forth girl talk that he had no business being apart of. It wasn’t like Stan wasn’t attracted to girls. He just hadn’t found the right one yet.

That was, until now.

The sound of her backpack unzipping made his ears perk. She was digging for something Stan couldn’t see. Maybe if he was at a different angle…

“You did this, right?” She shoved the neatly folded drawing from earlier in front of his face.

“Wait, what?” Stan looked at her incredulously and took the paper in his hands. Carefully, he unfolded it and smoothed the wrinkles out—not like there were many. He studied his friend’s work. It was obvious Bill had put great effort into it; into liking y/n. To take his credit would be a new low, even for him.

“You’re the one who’s been putting stuff in my locker!” y/n insisted. “I wasn’t really sure until a few nights ago…” Her eyes broke contact from him, all the sudden becoming nervous. “You know… When you took me home?” She faced Stan again and this time Stan was too nervous to look at her.

“No,” He finally said. He wasn’t looking at her so he couldn’t see her confused expression. Stan passed the paper back to her.

“No?”

“I mean…” Stan was wondering how to word this. He didn’t have all day, but he also didn’t know how to get himself out of this dilemma.

How do you tell someone you like them, but you’re not their secret admirer—your friend is?

“I’m not the one who’s been sending you stuff,” Stan said smoothly. Like that.

“You… aren’t?” y/n’s voice started to falter but was soon swallowed by a chuckle. “Well, this is embarrassing.” She haphazardly shoved the parchment into her bag only for her to smooth it out later in the day when she got home.

“No, it’s not.” Stan’s monotone voice served no reassurance for y/n, no matter how much she wanted to hear those words. But she didn’t say anything, only cocked her head, prompting for him to continue. “I’m not the one who’s been putting stuff in your lockers but that doesn’t mean I don’t like you.”

y/n’s already tense muscles relaxed at this, but she was still left with a problem.

“I was so sure of it,” she said in a mumble so low Stan almost didn’t catch.

“What’s wrong?” Stan asked. “I like you. Don’t…” Embarrassment crept up the back of his throat as the next sentence spilled out. “Don’t you like me?”

y/n nodded but didn’t say anything. She readjusted herself on her seat, robbing him of an answer.

“Do you remember what happened that night?” Nothing bad happened. Nothing even remotely, as Richie would put it, hot, happened. But it was the night that changed everything.

“Yeah.” y/n sucked in a deep breath as she remembered.

y/n hadn’t planned to get so drunk off her ass that she couldn’t walk. In fact, y/n hadn’t even planned to go out. But there she was, on a Tuesday night. Her friends had left her to suck the skin off each other’s faces and y/n had become a little too good at beer pong.

Whoever was in charge of the alcohol had no taste buds, but she needed all the liquid courage she could get, because tonight was the night. Tonight, was the night y/n y/l/n was going to face Stanley Uris.

Of course, she had known of the boy. She’d gone to the same school as him ever since she could remember. It wasn’t until this year when she was aware of his existence.

He usually stayed behind the scenes; his nose burrowed in a textbook whenever she saw him alone and when she didn’t, he was usually hanging out with the same group of friends from middle school.

Lately, however, something about him just seemed to make sense. The idea of her and him together made sense. Coincidentally, her infatuation with the boy had picked up around the same time anonymous drawings and knick-knacks had found their way in her locker.

Was it so wrong to believe that it was destiny working its magic?

Or maybe the belief of Stan being anonymous was just the workings of her silly little school crush.

Either way, she took the chance; finding the perfect time to fall into his arms. If she had confessed to him any earlier, she would’ve gotten an unwanted response.

“Can I ask?” y/n started, but Stan knew she was going to ask the question afterwards anyway. “Do you know? Do you know who’s been sending me the stuff?”

Stan swallowed. He swallowed so hard his throat burned. He didn’t want what they had to end like this.

What they had. They didn’t have anything.

“Bill Denbrough.” He looked down even though he had nothing to be ashamed of. “Do you like me or do you like the person who’s been sending you the stuff?” Stan asked. It was a fair question. An easy question. But y/n, for some reason, couldn’t tell the difference between the two.

It was clear as day that Bill Denbrough and Stanley Uris were two different people. y/n just couldn’t fathom Stan not being her secret admirer—as cocky as it sounds. For two months, she’s imagined him as the one sending her landscape sketches and confessing his love for her. Her heart couldn’t help but fall into an endless pit, also known as the void.

“I guess I just thought of you as the person sending me the stuff,” y/n answered honestly, and an odd sort of sadness washed over Stan when she said that. They were truly stuck in a catch twenty-two and he still failed to understand how he got there. “Do you like me?” The question was ridiculous, but it was reasonable for her to ask.

“Yes,” Stan said, but he was hesitant. His mind couldn’t help but track back to Bill and the countless times he had swooned over y/n. Stan may be the one telling her how he felt but he wasn’t the one who never failed to stutter her name in conversations and make googly eyes at her from across the room.

What Stan had felt these past few days was what Bill felt these past years.

If y/n were stupid she would have accepted Stan’s answer. She would have given him his third kiss right then and there and proclaimed they were dating as they left the lunchroom. But she wasn’t stupid. She was anything but.

“I really like you.” Stan swore this was something she’d said before, but it wasn’t. It was new. It seemed as if everything was new. “Or… liked you,” y/n spoke again, and maybe the rose-colored glasses she was wearing were coming off.

Stan nodded. He knew what this meant and stood up from his seat. There were only five minutes of lunch left when he looked at the clock that hung from the brick wall and he was going to make perfect use of it.

“Good news.” Stan walked up from behind Bill who was sitting with the rest of the Losers. He ignored Beverly’s where were you’s and took a seat facing his friend. “y/n likes you back.”

#it 2017 #it2019 #it chapter 1 #it chapter 2 #it x reader #it imagine #it fanfic #it fic #stanley uris #stan uris #stan uris x reader #stan uris x reader fluff #stan uris x reader angst #stan uris imagine #stan uris fanfiction #stan uris fic #stan uris fanfic #stan uris fluff #stan uris angst

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cescalr · 3 years

Note

9 and 23 for the ask game please 😊

9: Are there any fics you'd love to see but don't want to write yourself? What are they?

Ooh, um... I'm not sure! Something substantial for Cursed 2005, maybe, like a crossover with buffy or teen wolf or something, with jimbo as the pairing from cursed and idk just something interesting (please no b*angel or st*rek or st*dia), or a time travel fic for Supernatural that involves Dean as the POV but absolutely zero, nada, nothing of (even hints) De*tiel or winc*st, that's 100% a fix-it fic (bc my mans deserved a lot better than that ending smh. And so did Jo, and Anna, and Lisa and Ben and Charlie and Benny and- ).

23: What's one piece of advice you would give to anyone who wants to start writing or posting their writing online?

Hmm... Just go for it? Like, write whatever comes to mind and post it. And keep doing that. Over and over again, because it's all the same thing - practise. If you can't think of an idea, there's no reason not to go trawling for prompts. I've got this list of 200 prompts, can't remember where I found it, but it's really useful if I'm stuck. But yeah. Find some time, any amount of time, whether its 5 minutes or five hours, and write what you can, as much as you can, whether it's ten words or 10,000, or more or less, it doesn't matter. Just get words on screen (or on paper, if you prefer.) And then... post it. If the main issue is getting the courage to post it, don't read back over it. That's when the nervousness rears it's ugly head. Just post it. Straight up. Type right into the Ao3 doc and hit post if you have to, just... find a way to minimise the amount of time you give yourself to get all worked up about whether it's 'good enough' or not. It won't be perfect the first time you write something - nothing ever is. Everything requires practise. And each time you post something, you get better at it. It gets easier. If proofreading is the bane of your existence, just post it and come back later to fix any issues. If titling it is a problem pick a random word or a song lyric or hell, a sentence from the fic, anything at all. 'Working Title | Stiles POV All Human AU Stira Fic', even. Just. Anything. You can always change it later. Summaries an issue? Grab the first paragraph. Grab the first sentence. Put 'Stiles POV all human au, stira focus.' as the summary. Who cares? You. Can. Always. Change. It. Later.

That's the great thing about fic. Changing everything later is possible. Nothing here is permanent. If you aren't happy with something, that doesn't matter. So long as it's out there, you can get feedback (because often, we don't know why we aren't happy with something - outside help is always invaluable). Being scared of criticism is half the problem, for a lot of people... but - not to sugar coat - it's necessary. And, just to note, in my 10 years of fanfic writing, I have never, ever, gotten a single malicious comment. Not. Once. It's much rarer than people think it is. And even if you do, you can always delete it. Put comments on moderation, turn them off, if it's the main issue. Gather your confidence at your own pace - but don't forget feedback is necessary for improvement. Eventually you will need to accept it's going to happen - it's not an attack on you. It's an attempt at help. We're taught in school to consume media critically, and those who internalise that will comment constructively. English class can leave an impression - the worst thing is to take any of it personally. Having a negative mindset (they hate it) versus a positive mindset (they want me to improve at this thing I enjoy doing, they're trying to help, they're being supportive) can make all the difference.

Eventually, you'll need to turn those comments back on. But you don't need to take anyone's shit, hence why moderation is a thing. There is a difference between constructive criticism and hate - but it's rare you'll get the latter. Tone is hard to convey in text form; benefit of the doubt is the best way forward.

Make sure you've got friends/mutuals you can ramble with about your fics. it's genuinely the most helpful thing. Give them snippets, do the whole cheerleader routine for each other. It's great. Brainstorm with each other. Not necessarily doing collaborative fic (though you might find that's what works best for you!) but just, geeking out with each other. It makes a huge boost for your ego, and that's useful for your confidence when it comes to posting things. But also, if you trust them, it makes taking their advice easier.

Sometimes, it might feel like two steps forward and one step back. That's great! It's still a step forward. Go at your own pace. The worst thing you can do is rush yourself and burn out. If it takes you a year to update, it takes you a year. I assure you, the readers will still be there, and they'll be happy to see the update. Nobody's going to hate you for taking your time. Prioritise your health. I promise it makes your work better if you're in a good place, and you don't have too much on your plate.

Though, having said that, if you find you work best with about twenty wips all at once updated every week, then go for it! Like I said; your own pace. If a schedule helps you, have one. If it doesn't, don't. I don't have a schedule. I have about 40 wips posted, and a few that aren't yet. It can take me a year to update, or I'll do four in a week. People are pleased either way - what matters is that you wrote something, and it exists, and other people can read it. Isn't that awesome? You've made something. You've made a mark. Someone's happy because of you, because you wrote something they like. Who cares if there's twenty typos and you use the wrong you're* (*or equivalent in your language, ofc) - you can fix that later. And it didn't stop that person's enjoyment of the first fic you ever posted, which might not be as good as your future fics, but it's still special. It's still yours.

Prioritise the thing you want to prioritise. Plot, relationships (of any nature), whatever. Prioritise that. The rest will fall into place. Personally, I prioritise characterisation. interpersonal dynamics follow, part and parcel of character exploration, then plot, as an extension. Do what suits you. And people don't tend to mind very much about any of these. If characterisation matters to you not one whit, just put OOC in the tags and be done with it. Plot doesn't matter? Perfectly fine! You don't want to write ships? Nobody's forcing you. Do what you want. It's just fanfiction. That's kind of the point. There's no need to feel pressure to write a certain thing. I'm in a lot of fandoms with a lot of very large ships. I'd get a lot more readers if I wrote st*rek, or d*stiel, or whatever, but I don't, because I wouldn't enjoy it. Write what you want to see. What you want to read. That's the best advice I can give. If you cry at your own fic, perfect. If you laugh at your own fic, brilliant. If your own fic leaves you all giddy like, grinning wide, amazing. It's gonna give someone else that reaction, too.

Hits, kudos, comments - they're not everything. Ao3, for harry potter, has 5000 pages of fic, with some of the tags I don't like excluded. It's not a case of people not liking your fic - it's a case of people not finding it. Don't worry. Recognition will come with time. Also, the ratio for fics is kind of awful, anyway. Comments and kudos vs hits is always poor; 2%, 5%, 7%. Don't worry too much about it. If people read it, it's likely they liked it. A lot of people are just lazy, and don't press the kudos button. A lot of people are incredibly nervous, or don't know what to say, so they don't comment. Another thing; some of your fics are going to be more popular than others. This is normal. Fandom size, fandom activity, content of fic, tags - prevalence of fic type, etc etc. One of my fics has around 15k notes. the rest are all below 6k. the runner up is a whole 10k below that fic. This is to be expected, and it's nothing to tear your hair out about. Write, first and foremost, for yourself. The rest, as always, comes later.

Really, tldr; you can always fix it later. the rest comes later. recognition comes later. the best thing to do - the first thing to do, the only thing to do - is just start. Post something. Anything. And go from there however you wish.

In 2016 i had zero subscribers on Ao3. I've got 72 now. These things just take time. In 2016 i'd written 30k words. I've written 1.2 million now. These things just take time. Through fandom, mostly fanfiction, I've gained people I'd consider friends. I think it's a really cool endeavour, and I think - for your confidence, peace of mind, and social sphere - it's also a really positive one.

#me; motivational speaker? no. but I try.#thanks!!!#these were really interesting ones :D #ask game

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royalnugget42 · 4 years

Text

SPN is ending

And here’s my take on how it will go down, based on the limited knowledge we have. Please be aware that these are not foolproof predictions. Title analysis can only get you so far, and some of the titles are vague enough that they could mean just about anything. Still I’d like to try my best to predict the narrative based on how I would go about it and based on the vague references.

I’ll go episode by episode, include as many details as I can reasonably add, and try to keep my Destiel shipping goggles off as much as possible. Buckle up.

First one is pretty easy. Episode 14, “Last Holiday” promises to be kind of literal, with a mysterious figure appearing and giving Jack, Sam, and Dean the holidays they missed out on. However, I was curious, since Supernatural has a habit of including obscure or not so obscure references in their titles, if there was any other thing we could correlate this to.

There is actually a movie called “Last Holiday” starting Queen Latifah, whose character is diagnosed with a terminal illness, which results in her making the decision to abandon her boring life and live like a millionaire in Europe.

The idea of the fight with Chuck being a “terminal illness” on the horizon could be why now is the best time for these guys to live it up.

This possible reference coupled with the ‘last’ seems to say that this episode will be a sort of final moment of levity before the endgame. Past this episode there be monsters, lads. I’d also like to point out that since it will be just Jack and the brothers if the promo photos are anything to go by, this will be a good time to get in some forgiveness and family bonding for our characters before things go downhill again.

Looking at promo photos for this episode again, I’m not sure where, but the episode may also carry some development for the plot. I’m not sure whether the photos of Cas, Amara, and Charlie were for this episode or another one (since they are not listed as cast members for the episode on IMDb), but we’ll be seeing all of them again soon it looks like, and I can’t wait for Cas and Jack to go on a hunt together again.

This episode will be the beginning of the descent. We’re standing on the edge and staring into the void, and we’re about to take the plunge. How do I know this?

“Gimme Shelter”, the title for this new episode, seems to have a literal meaning of the characters continuing to try to hide from God. However, as usual, the title is also a reference, this time to a song by The Rolling Stones. The lyrics to said song are nice and foreboding.

Oh, a storm is threat'ning

My very life today

If I don't get some shelter

Oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away

War, children, it's just a shot away

It's just a shot away

War, children, it's just a shot away

It's just a shot away

Ooh, see the fire is sweepin'

Our very street today

Burns like a red coal carpet

Mad bull lost its way

War, children, it's just a shot away

It's just a shot away

War, children, it's just a shot away

It's just a shot away

Rape, murder!

It's just a shot away

It's just a shot away (3X)

The floods is threat'ning

My very life today

Gimme, gimme shelter

Or I'm gonna fade away

War, children, it's just a shot away

It's just a shot away (4X)

I tell you love, sister, it's just a kiss away

It's just a kiss away (5X)

Kiss away, kiss away

Cue nervous anticipation

This is definitely where things are going to really pick up plot wise. Most likely, more will be revealed about Billie’s Plan to Kill God TM. Although, the idea of Death herself leading the Winchesters to victory feels sketchy to me still. She is deliberately withholding all the details, and she’s doing it for a reason.

Something down the line is going to make the Winchesters angry with her, and she’s not going to tell them about it unless it’s absolutely necessary. I have a feeling what it is will get revealed in the next episode.

“Drag Me Away (From You)” has some very clear negative connotations, and on top of everything has a weird format. It could be based on the lyric from Africa by Toto, ‘it’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you’, or a reference to the song “Drag Me Away” by Melissa Etheridge, whose lyrics mention angels, and are about resistance and perseverance, two defining characteristics of the Winchesters. However, I’d like to point out another correlation.

Like I said before, the title has a weird format. The only other episode of Supernatural with a similar title to this one is season 12 episode 12 “Stuck in the Middle (With You)”. That episode was about what seemed like a normal hunt, but was actually a mission for Mary by the British Men of Letters to get the Colt. In that episode, Cas came ridiculously close to dying a painful and slow death, which does not bode well for this episode if it’s correlated in any way.

If what I’m predicting for Billie’s plan is true, this episode will be where the viewers are clued in on the thing she won’t tell the Winchesters about. The brothers might not necessarily get clued in (like how they still hadn’t realized Mary’s involvement with the BMOL at the end of 12x12), but whatever Billie is withholding will have serious consequences.

For this episode, I predict that Cas will come absurdly close to death again, because I believe Billie’s plan involves him dying. Billie doesn’t consider Cas a member of TFW. Multiple times in the most recent episodes, she talks about how important Jack is, how important the Winchesters are, but never Cas, and it feels like a weird oversight.

“Ever since I got this new job, I stand witness to a much larger picture. You know what I see? You. And your brother. You’re important.” 13x05 “Advanced Thanatology”

“I told you Dean, you and your brother have work to do.” 15x12 “Galaxy Brain”

Surely Cas has a part to play, since he’s one of the main characters right? But Billie doesn’t trust Cas, as well she shouldn’t. Cas is a wildcard, an angel who doesn’t do as he’s told. He straight up stabbed her in the back, something that she was completely caught off guard by.

I could make an entire post about how Cas hasn’t played by the rules of the universe since season 4 episode 18 “The Monster at the End of This Book”, but I digress. The point is that this episode is probably going to shed some light on the true threat the team is facing. Which leads us into...

17-18

Here’s where things start to get muddy. The titles from this point on get vague, and without any solid information about the previous episodes, these could be headed anywhere.

“Unity” is the next episode, number 17, and that could mean a lot of things. In my proposed timeline it is after a supposed revelation about Billie’s plan, so maybe they feel more unified after learning it.

In Supernatural‘s usual story structure, though, it feels like this episode will probably be the buildup to what seems like the end of the villain, but will actually be the darkest hour.

The episode following right after this is titled “Despair” and I think that’s telling. Supernatural writers do this often, where the boys make a plan, and inevitably when they follow it something goes wrong. “Unity” is the plan being made and carried out, and “Despair” is either the episode where everything goes wrong, or the aftermath.

[EDIT: The title of episode 18 is actually “The Truth”, which I believe may still narratively serve the same purpose, but now I’m more convinced that this is where the Winchesters learn about Castiel’s deal and/or something that Billie has been keeping from them about the plan to kill God. Thank you to @kingofthecrossroads for the updated information.]

Before I go into detail about this two-episode arc, an obligatory

Warning: Shipping Ahead

To my eyes, “Unity” seems like the perfect place for Castiel’s arc to reach a breaking point. If I’m right, and this is the episode where everything seems to succeed, then what better time for The Empty to snatch Cas away from his happiness.

If I was a writer, and I was in fact planning on making Destiel canon, this is where I’d do it. It makes the most sense to have Dean and Cas finally realizing their love for each other be the catalyst for Cas “finally giving himself permission to be happy” especially if this episode also contains a false climax regarding the Chuck storyline. Cas has said multiple times that he’s “far from happy”, so there has to be something huge happen for Cas to get there. Not to mention, Cas would be a sort of vessel for the audience, simultaneously happier than we’ve ever been because we were finally right, and sadder than ever because Cas is gone.

“Despair” won’t just be despair that the plan failed. It could also be Dean’s despair at losing Cas, our despair at seeing our hopes for them dashed.

[EDIT: Again, the title will NOT be “Despair” it will be “The Truth”, but I still think it’s telling that Despair was a working title for long enough that it’s on the IMDb page, and if “The Truth” contains the truth about how Dean and Cas feel about each other, then this will still be a dark episode.]

Shipping over, let’s continue.

Now we come to another referential episode, “Inherit the Earth”. There’s really not enough information to have anything solid regarding the nitty gritty details, but we can take a look at what this title is most likely referencing. “Inherit the Earth” is just a tiny part of a common phrase. It’s used in media all the time, but we’re interested in the original source.

I’m not sure if the episode will contain references to all the pieces of this passage from the Bible, but “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” seems to build off of the last episode, “Despair”. Another translation for the word meek in this instance may have been “powerless”, and after the negative moments in the previous episode TFW would probably feel pretty powerless. Maybe, in the previous episodes, Jack failed and lost his powers again, and that’s what caused Despair, but now he will inherit the powers that God had, or inherit control of earth.

If the rest of the passage is to be taken into account here, there’s also the “poor in spirit” who will ascend to the “kingdom of heaven”, possibly a reference to Cas being depressed and fighting for Heaven to be maintained. “Those who mourn will be comforted”, and that may actually bode well for Sam and Dean, who constantly mourn for the friends they’ve lost. Maybe in this episode they’ll get some closure on that front, maybe with their friends trapped in Hell going to Heaven (Kevin). The next line after “inherit the earth” refers to “those who hunger and thirst for righteousness”, and if that isn’t Michael/Adam to a T...maybe this will be the episode we see him team up to fight God. I’m not sure who the last line might refer to other than Sam, if you have any ideas feel free to tell me.

And after all this, we have the big one.

“Carry On” is referring to “Carry On My Wayward Son” by Kansas, and I don’t have a clue what it will entail. If the previous episode goes well, then this will be a sort of epilogue, with a (hopefully) happy ending for TFW, maybe we see Eileen and Sam get together, some kind of family dinner with Jody and the girls to resolve that plot line, or potentially, if the writers plan on doing it, a scene confirming Destiel.

It’d be interesting if they showed the brothers going on a normal, run-of-the-mill hunting trip, like a simple salt-and-burn, or even a (different) woman in white. It would be a nice way to bookend the story, to end on a hunt, but instead of the brothers on their own, it’s the brothers with the help of everyone they’ve come to know and care about in their journey, all the lives they’ve touched.

If, however, the conflict is not resolved by the end of the previous episode, this could be the resolution and epilogue all rolled into one, though if it were me I would want as much time as possible to resolve any lingering character questions because, at the end of the day, Supernatural has survived because of the characters. They are what people stay for, what they watch for.

Reminder that all of this is speculation. I do not know what will happen, this is just how I think the story could progress based on what we know so far.

For better or for worse, at this point Supernatural will be over. Will they do a perfect job? Probably not. This is Supernatural, it’s not the most perfect show. However, I’m excited to see where the writers will go with it. They have their work cut out for them.

[EDITED]

#spn #supernatural #supernatural theory #spn theory #spn s15 #spn season 15 #spn 15x14 #spn 15x15 #spn 15x16 #spn 15x17 #spn 15x18 #spn 15x19 #spn 15x20 #saileen #spn 15x12 #destiel #i tried not to let it influence me #hope this is coherant

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lombredanslaeu · 4 years

Text

hourglass | lee jeno

▸angst, fluff i guess??

▸ summary: sometimes, love just ain’t enough.

▸ WARNING: eating disorder, depression, body dysmorphia, starvation. if any of the above triggers you or if you are not comfortable, please refrain from reading the story.

All your life, you never really cared about your weight. As an engineering student and a part-time musical theatre actor, you never had the reason to be conscious of your body. Engineering required only your brain; no one cared what you wore or what you looked like in class. Musical theatre didn’t have as much standards for appearance than it does with vocals. Your body wasn’t that bad anyway. You were considered skinny by some and many grew envy about how you could eat so much and not gain a pound immediately. However, your perception of your body changed the day you started dating Lee Jeno.

You met Jeno when his company’s CEO decided to treat its artists with tickets to a Wicked show. You got the greatest opportunity of playing Elphaba; with your impeccable vocal talent, it wasn’t an effort to grace the stage and awe the audience. Your production always valued you not only because of your talent, but also because of your warm personality. You first made eye contact with Jeno when his company’s CEO took them backstage to meet the cast after the show. You had time to talk for a while as the CEO became deep in dialogue with the show’s director. It was Taeil who first initiated a conversation with you as the others, especially the youngsters, were too shy to start a conversation with anyone. As everyone warmed up with the other casts, you never failed to notice how Jeno was love-struck with you.

“Wow, your voice is defying the laws of gravity,” another member, Johnny, said to you.

You blushed and shook off the compliment. “Thank you so much. That meant so much to me.”

Everyone scurried off to different areas on the backstage. You were caught off-guard when one of the younger members, Jeno, talked beside you.

“How long have you been performing?” He asked.

“Only just for a year. I wasn’t planning on making this long-term. I only wanted to play a few shows here and there.” You explained. “but, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity of being Elphaba.”

“That was one of the greatest performance I’ve seen in so long.” He said. “I actually really enjoy musical theatre.”

“Really?” You asked, shocked by his confession. “What’s your favorite musical?”

“It used to be Cats,” He said, smiling shyly. “But I think know it’s Wicked.”

“Oh please,” You chuckled. “Cats is a really good show.”

He looked at you, laughing shyly. “Do you like frozen yogurt?”

“I like frozen yogurt,” You smiled.

It wasn’t long before you found yourself going on secret dates with the heartthrob. You would bond over coffee, books, and broadway musicals. You never knew he liked musicals. There would days where he would help you practice songs for your next show and you would watch him practice a choreography for a comeback. You both found the one thing that kept you closer and closer: the love for performing.

“Seeing the happy faces of my fans is one thing,” He started, staring off into the night. “But the look on my parents’ as they say how proud they are of me, is what keeps me going.”

You stared at his side profile and swallowed a lump in your throat. “They have every reason to be proud of you.”

He turned his head to meet your eyes. His eyes lingered on yours for a while before looking down at your lips. You blushed at the feeling he had over you.

“You’re really pretty.” He started. The statement took you by surprise. Not a lot of people tell you that you’re pretty but, if it comes from Jeno, any other doesn’t matter anymore.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” You chuckled. You’re not lying. Jeno has the looks that could make anyone wrapped around his fingers. “I feel like I don’t deserve to be under your gaze.”

“Of course you deserve to be looked at.” He said, more seriously this time. “I could build a gallery of you but that would give me more competitors so, I won’t do that.”

“Jeno, if you wanna kiss me, just do it.” You said. You wanted to punch yourself for what you just said. Normally, you would freak out and leave from embarrassment. But now, you held your gaze stronger. You had no idea where the courage came from.

And he did. He kissed you like you were the only thing that mattered. It didn’t end there. Later that night, he showed you how beautiful you are.

Sometimes, he would sneak out, with a member or two, to watch one of your shows. He would stare in awe at how people give you their applause. As the spotlight shine down on you, it was like he was seeing a goddess grace everyone with her beauty.

“Dude, if you don’t ask her out, I’m really gonna do it,” His friend, Jaemin, announced beside him.

“I already beat you into it, punk.” He responded boastfully. The shocked look on his friend’s face made him laugh.

Your peaceful relationship was cut short when his boss found out about the thing going on between you two. To say you were shocked by his calm and accepting nature would be an understatement. His company approved of your relationship. It was like the stars have aligned just for the both of you. The news broke out and spread like wildfire on the internet that night. You were too busy rejoicing with your lover that you failed to notice the threats and harsh comments of furious fans until the next morning.

You were supposed to wake up with the bird chirping and the sun shining just for you. However, you found yourself with an unfamiliar feeling in your gut. It was as if you were scared to do anything and go outside. You knew how ugly criticism from fans could be. You understood that many would not approve of your relationship but you accepted that. His company accepted the relationship and his future in NCT is not affected. At the end of the day, the comments would just float around the internet and disappear before you know it.

“You can block off the comments, you know,” He said.

“Yeah, but I think criticism can always help me improve,” You said. You didn’t want him to hate his fans.

“Those aren’t criticisms, Y/N” He replied. “Those are bashful comments.”

“It’s okay, Jeno.” You smiled, pecking his lips. “I can manage.”

Outfits are an important part in musical theatre. They distinguish which character is which, even if the actor is an understudy. You were casted as Regina George in the musical remake of the hit movie, Mean Girls. The director and costume head requested you wear a crop top and skirt for the role and you said yes; after all, you liked really girly outfits. You were looking over your closet and picked out items that might fit the role. You tried on an outfit that you think was a good combination. You looked at yourself in the mirror and felt a slight wave of worry come across your chest. Jeno’s fans might see your show. What would they think if they saw your body was no match to any female idol that Jeno has interacted with? You walked over to your phone and searched up healthy diets for a good figure.

Jeno had a day off and he wanted to see you practice your songs. You both sat at the couch of your small apartment with lyrics sheet in front of you.

“I wanna have pizza for lunch. What kind do you want?” He asked, fishing his phone out of his pocket to order.

“Oh nothing, I’m kinda watching my figure.” You said, looking down to avoid his eyes. You’re still not comfortable in telling people about your diet, especially to Jeno.

“Are you sure? You can burn those off in work outs anyway.” he said, concern washing over his eyes. It worried him that you weren’t eating. Food was one of the things you both bonded over. You had a fancy palette. He thought it was best to trust in you for now.

“I promise. Olivia makes very good hearty meals. I will eat dinner later.” You said.

With so much going on between theatre and your college life, there is only so much you could do in your free time. Working out would take so much of time and with deadlines as the semester is ending, you couldn’t find any time for it. So, you resulted in skipping meals. You only had two more weeks until the Mean Girls show. You just had to make sure your stomach was flat till the end of the production.

“Do you think my cheeks are too full?” You said to Jeno, squishing your face in front of the mirror.

“I think they suit you.” He said before pinching your cheeks. “It’s also really fun to squish.”

“Ouch,” You chuckled before playfully slapping his wrists away.

“You don’t have to worry about them.” He said, wrapping his arms around you. “They make you who you are.”

“That’s very cheesy, babe,” You said while chuckling.

“Y/N, you don’t have to change because other people wants you to.” He replied, more serious this time. “I’ll make sure you believe that you’re the prettiest girl that I’ve ever seen.”

You were stuck with a question on your Physics quiz. You hadn’t eaten anything since you woke up. While you were standing in front of your mirror, you liked how flat your stomach was. The first show happens tomorrow night and you planned on keeping your body that way until then. The lack of food in your system resulted in your brain not working well. You spent many sleepless nights studying for Physics. Usually, you would have solved this problem in under 5 minutes but right now, you only had a minute left in your quiz and you just can’t seem to figure out what to do. On top of that, you were feeling very light-headed. The ding of your professor’s alarm struck a sharp pain from your ears to your head. You winced as you struggled to stand up. Your seatmate looked over to you, checking if you were okay but you smiled it off. You also regretted telling Jeno about your stupid diet because all he did was bug you if you ate already.

jenobear [11:34 am]: babeee, did u eat already??

jenobear [11:34 am]: oops i forgot u have ur quiz. good luck, love <333

jenobear [11:35 am]: make sure u eat, ok?? I love you.

You sighed and typed out an answer. You said you already ate. You hated lying to him but him being overseas made it easier for you somehow. The night of the show came at last. You sat backstage as Olivia helped you with your hair.

“You look pale. Are you okay?” She asked, concerned.

“Yeah, just a bit light-headed.” You replied. “It’s not like I haven’t performed with a headache before.”

“Okay, sure,” She sighed. She knew you too well. You didn’t like to be bugged with questions, especially if you’re preparing for a show. “Wanna eat at that new wings place? Heard it’s really good.”

“Sure, I could need some wings after the show.” You replied. All you needed was to be in shape for a few hours.

The crowd roared their applause as you, and the other casts, bowed as the show reached its end. You felt a migraine creep up your head and you knew its because you haven’t consumed as much food as you needed to lately. It also felt weird that it made you a bit nauseous when your eyes met the spotlight. You were glad bottles of water is all around the backstage. You picked up your phone and smiled to see messages from Jeno and the other members as well.

jenobear [9:30 pm]: never not proud of you. congrats on your show, love. <3

Lee Haechan [9:45 pm]: Y/N!!! Congrats on your show. I’m sure it’s amazing!

Kim Doyoung [9:50 pm]: Sorry I wasn’t able to go, Y/N. I’m sure you did great tonight, Regina George :)

You smiled and thanked them. You decided you wanted to call Jeno but a notification from a social media site distracted you. One of Jeno’s fans came to see the show and posted pictures of you with the caption “Y/N is very talented! I hope to see more of her shows soon~~” You blushed at the compliment. You know you shouldn’t have but you looked at the replies under the post. Your heart fluttered at the sweet compliments. You thought maybe dating an idol isn’t so bad after all. Over the sea of praise come a harsh comment that caught your eye. “I’m sure her vocals are amazing but she should work on her body.” , “Regina George wouldn’t have a match stick figure.” , “she’s kinda bloated. If only she worked on her love handles, I would like her.” You felt a sickly feeling to your stomach. You took each and every word to heart. You scrolled back up to look at the picture the original poster took. You zoomed in on your body and saw what they were talking about. The girls who played Gretchen and Karen, your character’s fellow mean girls, had Barbie doll bodies. Their curves hit at the right places and they had slim legs. You knew that you shouldn’t let this affect you. You have talent, you have personality. But, you also wanted Jeno’s fans to like you. That led you to texting Olivia to cancel your chicken wings plan.

You prepped yourself to see Jeno again after 2 months. He had schedule after schedule and his team went overseas for at least 2 weeks. You limit your diet to soy milk and water. You looked at yourself in the mirror and you could see the changes. Jeno would definitely notice as well but, you liked how you looked. Your jawline was prominent, your waist was thinner, and even your legs got slimmer. It wasn’t easy slipping out of Olivia’s invites for take out and dinner but you managed, somehow. You started to notice how concerned she got each day, especially this morning.

“I grabbed you breakfast, it’s an omurice.” she said, with a warm smile.

“I can’t eat rice, I’m watching my weight.” You said, slurping down the soy milk.

“Since when did you care about your weight?” She asked.

“Since I realized that my body wasn’t in the right shape.” You made sure none of the words came out as bitter or else, she will suspect something was wrong. She didn’t stop bugging you and it started to make you cranky so you just gave in. After consuming the omurice, you couldn’t deny that you felt better. But the guilt started kicking in and the next thing you know, you’re sticking two fingers down your throat in an attempt to vomit what you just consumed. You stared at the mess on the sink and that’s when you knew something was wrong.

“I missed you so much,” Jeno said, as he held you close to his body.

“How are you, my favorite boy?” You stared lovingly to his eyes.

“A bit tired,” He said, taking off his cap and fixing his hair. “But I slept the whole flight.”

“Do you want to just chill here?” You asked. Everyone in the door went to see a movie with the older members. Jeno and Jisung chose to stay behind since they had plans. He snuggled closer to your body. He noticed how your body didn’t feel familiar. He could definitely tell that you were losing weight.

“I am a bit hungry though,” He responded. He wanted to see you eat. It worried him to the core about thin you were looking lately. It wasn’t obvious when you two would FaceTime but it was more apparent in person. He felt you shift slightly at his response. He spoke before you could. “Have you been trying to lose weight?”

“I just wanted to be more fit.” You said, your heart beating faster each time you lie. “I’m working out.”

As someone who works out to maintain his body, Jeno knew well that your body wasn’t a result of working out. But as someone who cares about their appearance, Jeno also knew that he shouldn’t jump into major conclusions yet. He knew how horrible the talk about weight is and he didn’t want to put you through it. Besides, he knew you and he knows that you wouldn’t lie to him.

You felt conflicted as you noticed that Jeno was becoming concerned about how thin you got. To make him believe that you were well, you agreed in eating take-out with him for lunch. You know what to do after, anyway. As you wait for him to finish showering, you decided to check your social media accounts. You tapped on instagram to replied to a comment Olivia wrote on your new post. You laughed silently at how your friends gave funny compliments. Your eyes browsed through the comment sections. Normally, it would be filled with comments about your face, body, and how you didn’t deserve Jeno. This time, it was filled with compliments about how great you look. “I wish I had her body :(“, “Body goals oh my god”, “SKINNY LEGEND QUEEN”. You felt your cheeks blush at the compliments. You realized that the thinner you got, the more you got full of praise. You intend to keep it that way.

Jeno scrolled through his twitter feed and saw an article from a k-pop news page. It was an article about your drastic weight loss. He looked at the pictures included in the article. There were pictures of you from months ago with your old body. Jeno reminisced the first time you met. You looked healthy and happy. You didn’t have the curviest figure, but you were healthy. Following the old pictures were recent pictures of you, both from your recent social media posts and pictures from fans during your latest theatre shows. Your ribs were more prominent and it created a tidal wave of concern to wash over Jeno. He didn’t realize how much he missed the old you. The one who was never scared to try different food. Now, it was like every time he asked you to eat with him, you always refuse. But, he was too kind to base a fight over your appearance.

You sat across the couch with Olivia. You two decided to watch the latest season of The Office.

“Wait, let me use the bathroom for a while” She announced. While she did her business, a phone on the coffee table in front of you lit up. Your phone was laid beside hers so you looked over to see it was her phone that had the notification. What you didn’t expect was who sent her the message.

You have one new message from Lee Jeno.

You didn’t know what to think. It would be immature of you to accuse them of being unfaithful when you don’t know what the message contained. But why would she text him? Why would he text her? As in on cue, Olivia came back from the bathroom.

“Uhm, Liv” You started. “Why are you texting Jeno?”

She stared at you. She knew what you would think but she promised Jeno she wouldn’t tell you about what they were talking about.

“Oh, you know what?” You said suddenly. “It doesn’t matter. You two can be friends and I trust both of you.” You tried so hard not to sound jealous because you weren’t. Olivia is like a sister to you.

You knew well that she wouldn’t betray you like that. She smiled slightly and offered you the popcorn. You shook your head and she snapped.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Y/N” She said. You were caught off guard by her outburst. “You wanna know why I’m texting Jeno?”

You gulped, maybe you don’t want to know why. You changed so much of yourself to please him, his fans, and his management. If they betrayed you like this, you wouldn’t know what to do.

“You’re starving yourself, haven’t you?” She asked, her eyes burning holes into your skull.

“I-I’m not…” You stuttered. You thought you were good at lying but apparently, you’re not.

“Really?” She said. “Ever since you started dating Jeno, all you cared about was your weight. We don’t eat out anymore. We don’t cook anymore. What bothered you? Is it him? Is it the fans?”

You know you could never blame anyone, but yourself. It wasn’t their fault you turned out this way. It was one thing to hear about your weight loss from concerned fans, but it was another when it’s coming out of your best friend’s mouth. You didn’t realize that tears were falling out. The moment Olivia wrapped her arms around you, everything collapsed. All the pressure, the frustration that built up inside of you for so long. The urge of wanting to eat, to feel what it was like to taste again. The anger you felt for yourself for letting it become this bad. It all collapsed and fell from your eyes.

“Here, there isn’t a lot of sugar in that,” Jeno offered you some cookies. You decided to visit him in the recording studio. You were doing so well. You decided to enrol yourself in a support group, as well, and you’ve never missed a single meeting. But you knew you were only forcing it. You saw Olivia and Jeno cry over your situation. It was unfair that you bring them into your mess. Maybe if you say you’re fine loud enough, you’ll believe it.

“I’m proud of you.” His eyes sparkled as he said those word to you.

“I love you.” You responded, before leaning in for his lips.

It took everything in Jeno to let you know how much he loves you. By the way his lips merge with yours and how his hands worshiped every crevice of your body. Each touch symbolizes that you are the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes on. You knew that; but, you wish you could believe it. With every praise that heat your cheeks, comes a wave of hate that consumes it all. Will a beautiful body make it all better for you?

You hurried to your bathroom the second you got home. Olivia was out to her boyfriend’s night, leaving you alone with your habits. As your fingers hit the spot on your throat, you felt the hot bile rise from your stomach. It burned and left a sour taste to the back of your mouth; and you loved it. You missed the sensation of your stomach being empty. You never knew how much you liked the feeling of being empty until you felt it again.

“Am I not enough for you” Jeno spoke, his eyes attached to his hands that are clasped in front of him.

“What are you saying, babe?” You asked. You tried to see where this was going. You made you sure every lie that came out of your mouth was believable; why is he saying those things?

“I try so hard to make sure everything I do for you is enough,” He said. It was obvious in his demeanor that he was tired. “I worry about you all the time. The members try so hard to cover up for me every time I needed to tend to you.”

You chuckled, “So what is this? You’re telling me I’m a pity party?”

“No,” He shook his head, not believing the attitude you’re giving him. Frustration was starting to let itself be known on his features. “What else could you possibly want? I give you love, I give you space. I get tired as well, you know.”

That’s when it dawned on you. Love is not enough. Love won’t come magically and heal everything. Jeno could give you all the love in the world but it won’t be the remedy. Love doesn’t fix everything. You can’t just go up to a broken person and expect romance would suddenly want them to dance on their grave. It doesn’t work that way. You never had the courage to tell him that. In retrospect, you wish you had it in you to say it.

“You’re enough for me, Jeno.” You said quitely. You didn’t know what else to say. All this time, you never blamed him. But here he is now, throwing it all back at you. You still won’t blame him though, he doesn’t know what it feels like; you’re glad he doesn’t know how it feels like.

“I don’t know how to help you if you can’t help yourself.” He said, sighing as if he has given up. Maybe he has given up. The people who left you before has taught you to swallow every plead to make them stay. That’s the only think you could stomach to swallow right now - the words to make him fight a little longer. You didn’t know how much long it would be for you to be okay, or if you could actually be okay. But, you knew better than to run after others when you can’t even stand for yourself. Some nights, you feel yourself drown in cold sweat. Your body felt like it could give up on you any minute. You laid still and wait; but it never came. You wondered how much longer.

Jeno has a bright future ahead of him. The news of him being single again gave him new schedules that would give him exposure to different opportunities. He didn’t regret leaving. He still occasionally see your musical shows just to check how you are. You will never know this but he hopes it’s always sunny wherever you are.

a/n: i hope you liked this. this hit close to home. i would like to remind you that if you are experiencing symptoms of any mental illness, please check with a professional. mental health is a topic that i hold deeply in my heart since i have experience from mental illnesses. i would also like to remind everyone to always be kind to others - whether it would be our friends, people we don’t like, and even idols. let’s not contribute to anything that could affect them negatively. as always, feedback and requests are always appreciated. love u all <33

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