#hey I want to put a bullet in my head lmao

[atticrissfinch]

Gimme What I Want: A Fic in Texts

pairing: joel miller x afab!reader summary: the wrong number that texts you ends up being a man much hotter than you’d ever expect… warnings/tags: [18+ MINORS DNI] no!outbreak, porn w/o plot i’m sorry but not really, dirty talk, daddy!kink, praise!kink and degradation!kink (we love duality), light dom!joel vibes, pet names/degrading terms (darlin’, babygirl, pretty girl, whore, slut, bitch, etc), age gap (Joel is 56, reader is 25), implied masturbation (m & f), mentions of cream pies, sexting a stranger but it’s ok cause he’s a dilf, really bad innuendos word count: ~2.2k | ao3 a/n: biting the bullet and posting my first fic in literal years because Pedro is just…an inspiration what can I say. So I’m going with something a little lighter (conceptually, not topically…this is just smut lmao). Pls be nice I am c r u s t y with my writing rn ty <3 (gif from ketokitsune on reddit)

Series Masterlist | Masterlist | Kofi

[5:32 PM] UNKNOWN NUMBER: Hey Doug, this is Joel. Tommy gave me your number, he mentioned a build job you might have for us? Happy to chat whenever, just let me know. 

[5:40 PM] You: Good to hear from you Joel. Unfortunately I’ve vowed to never do work with a man whose name starts with the letter “J”. Nothing personal 

[5:46 PM] Joel: Uh…no disrespect intended…but are you jokin?

[5:52 PM] You: ‘Fraid not. J is reserved for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen 

[6:10 PM] Joel: Well…I guess in that case, let me know if you change your mind. God bless, I suppose 

[6:12 PM] You: I’m totally fucking with you, man. You got the wrong number 

[6:12 PM] You: Sorry I couldn’t resist 

[6:15 PM] Joel: Wait, serious? 

[6:16 PM] You: As a heart attack. Sorry about that 

[6:18 PM] Joel: You got me good, I gotta admit. Head is still reeling a little bit LOL

[6:19 PM] You: I get my kicks where I can 

[6:23 PM] Joel: Well sorry to bother you. Thanks for the chuckle 

[6:27 PM] You: So you’re construction or something?

[6:30 PM] Joel: Yup. General contractor at your service

[6:30 PM] You: Your own business?

[6:31 PM] Joel: Is indeed

[6:32 PM] You: Damn, big bossman. Pretty hot

[6:35 PM] Joel: You’re silly. Im just an old man who’s put in too many years of work. Got achy bones

[6:40 PM] You: I know you’re not supposed to ask this on a first date, but how old are you, Joel?

[6:42 PM] Joel: HA! You’re a funny one! LOL

[6:42 PM] Joel: 56 very long years old

[6:45 PM] You: Oh, now, that’s not so old! 

[6:50 PM] Joel: Tell that to my knees. LOL

[7:03 PM] You: You lay a lot of pipe as a contractor, Joel?

[7:06 PM] Joel: Suppose I do. Gotta have plumbing. Why do you ask?

[7:15 PM] You: Actually been looking for someone to come snake my drain

[7:19 PM] Joel: I mean you’re probably lookin for more of a plumber in that case. I got some contacts if you need one

[7:25 PM] You: I prefer someone who knows how to lay pipe to snake my drain 😏

[7:36 PM] Joel: I feel like you may be talkin about somethin different than I am. Less appropriate maybe

[7:37 PM] You: It’s possible

[7:46 PM] Joel: if we’re breaking those rules I suppose I should ask how old YOU are. ‘Fore I say somethin stupid

[7:46 PM] Joel: or illegal

[7:47 PM] You: Well at least you’re careful. I’m 25. Safely out of “jail bait” territory 

[7:48 PM] Joel: Golly. 25. Jesus was I a hellion at 25. Hope you’re better behaved than I was 

[7:50 PM] You: I bet there’s still a little hellion in you 😉 

[7:51 PM] You: I could stand to have a little more hellion in me, if you catch my drift 😉

[7:58 PM] Joel: You’re a bitta trouble ain’t you

[7:59 PM] Joel: What you doing flirtin with a man over twice your age

[7:59 PM] Joel: A STRANGER at that

[8:00 PM] You: Oh I found you on google about an hour ago already. Not so strange anymore. 

[8:00 PM] You: Miller Contracting, right? In Austin? 

[8:02 PM] Joel: I’ll be damned. We got a regular Nancy Drew on our hands. 

[8:03 PM] You: Wasnt terribly difficult 😂 Already had your first name, area code, and occupation. 

[8:03 PM] Joel: Well shit if that ain’t a reminder to be more careful…

[8:05 PM] You: You’re a very handsome man, Joel Miller

[8:07 PM] Joel: Think you’re lookin at Tommy. He’s the face of the operation. I’m just the brains. 

[8:08 PM] You: Oh no, I see Tommy here. But he’s not who I’m looking at. There’s a couple pics of you on google. 

[8:08 PM] You: Salt and pepper hair. Scruffy beard. Nice sturdy build. Little scowl. Sound like you?

[8:09 PM] Joel: Damned if it don’t I guess

[8:09 PM] You: Definite silver fox 

[8:10 PM] Joel: Well I’m blushin over here. Thanks darlin

[8:10 PM] Joel: I’m sure you’re a beautiful young woman

[8:15 PM] You: How about you let me know

[8:15 PM] You: [Image Attached]

[8:15 PM] Joel: SHIT

[8:15 PM] Joel: Darlin you can’t just be sendin stuff like that!

[8:16 PM] You: I’m fully covered! 

[8:16 PM] Joel: Barely! 

[8:17 PM] You: I suppose I should have asked if you’re married

[8:17 PM] Joel: Might’ve been smart. But luckily no. Wouldn’t want to have to explain that shit to no one 

[8:17 PM] Joel: Wrong number suddenly sending me…pics like that

[8:19 PM] Joel: Not that it’s a BAD picture. You certainly are an undeniable beauty 

[8:19 PM] Joel: But you ARE trouble just like I said

[8:20 PM] You: Well then I have to ask. Do you like trouble, Mr Miller? 

[8:21 PM] Joel: Hey now don’t be callin me that…Mr Miller, that was my daddy 

[8:21 PM] You: Is that so

[8:21 PM] You: How would you feel about me calling you my daddy?

[8:22 PM] Joel: Jesus christ darlin…you are a forward little devil aren’t u

[8:22 PM] Joel: A little temptress

[8:22 PM] You: I tend to know what I want.

[8:22 PM] Joel: Seems like it

[8:25 PM] Joel: Ok. I’ll bite. In that pic…that really you? That what you’re wearin right now?

[8:25 PM] You: It is. You like?

[8:26 PM] Joel: Lord strike me down, but I do. You wear it real nice. Skimpy little top. Those wicked little daisy dukes. Like you’re right out of a fuckin dirty magazine 

[8:27 PM] Joel: What would your daddy say if he saw you takin pictures like that and sendin em to strange old men like me?

[8:27 PM] You: I dunno, daddy, what would you say?

[8:27 PM] Joel: Fuck me. You’re a naughty fuckin thing aint you  

[8:28 PM] You: VERY naughty. And I think you like that.

[8:33 PM] Joel: Goddamn it. Alright if you wanna be naughty who am I to stop you, darlin

[8:33 PM] Joel: Show me a little more 

[8:42 PM] Joel: Shit I’m sorry that was too much

[8:43 PM] You: [Image Attached]

[8:43 PM] You: Just wanted to get it right

[8:43 PM] Joel: Christ, you are…..

[8:43 PM] Joel: That is the finest pair of tits I may have ever seen in all my years. All pulled out of that flimsy little shirt. Absolutely perfect

[8:43 PM] You: Thank you, daddy. I’m glad you like them. 

[8:44 PM] Joel: I more than like em. God would I love to…

[8:44 PM] You: Love to what? Tell me, daddy. 

[8:45 PM] Joel: Goddammit somethin about you callin me that darlin

[8:45 PM] Joel: Got me all fucked up in the head

[8:45 PM] Joel: I want them in my hands. In my face. My mouth 

[8:45 PM] Joel: Bet they look fuckin exquisite bouncin up and down on…

[8:46 PM] You: On what, daddy? 

[8:47 PM] Joel: You got my filter all turned off babygirl. Thinkin some things that’ll send me straight to hell. Specially with a young thing like you 

[8:48 PM] You: Let me be real clear then. I like older men, Joel. Like how much they KNOW. All that experience. All that practice. 56 years, I know you know how to talk to a woman. So talk. 

[8:49 PM] Joel: Shit

[8:49 PM] Joel: Fuck it then. I certainly don’t aim to disappoint

[8:49 PM] Joel: Those gorgeous tits would look downright sinful if you were bouncin on my cock

[8:50 PM] You: Fuck yes daddy

[8:50 PM] Joel: You touchin yourself babygirl?

[8:51 PM] You: Just my tits right now. Imagining those big, rough hands of yours all over them. 

[8:51 PM] Joel: That’s good, babygirl. Squeeze those tits for me. 

[8:51 PM] Joel: Fuck. Sendin me dirty pics. Callin me your daddy. You’ve got this dick nice and hard. Might pull it out in a second

[8:51 PM] Joel: Would you like to see it?

[8:52 PM] You: Yes please daddy

[8:52 PM] Joel: Good girl

[8:54 PM] Joel: [Image Attached]

[8:54 PM] Joel: All for you babygirl

[8:55 PM] You: Holy fuck

[8:55 PM] You: I know every girl says this but I mean it, you are so fucking BIG

[8:55 PM] Joel: Haha believe me I know darlin

[8:55 PM] Joel: Had a lotta girls over the years have to take me real slow at first

[8:55 PM] Joel: But they all end up screamin my name just the same

[8:56 PM] You: Fuck I want it. Make me one of those girls. But don’t go slow. 

[8:57 PM] Joel: Yeah? You want it rough pretty girl? Want to be split open on this cock? want me to make you take it like the filthy fucking whore you are?

[8:57 PM] You: FUCK. Yesyesyes please keep talking to me like that i’m touching myself daddy

[8:58 PM] Joel: I know you are baby. Can’t fucking help yourself. Begging and drooling over this cock since you started talkin to me. Slutty little girl wants to get fucked and degraded by an old man 

[8:58 PM] You: Yes daddy I do I need your fucking huge cock in me PLEASE

[8:59 PM] Joel: Surprised a whore like you knows her manners so good, sayin please all pretty and nice

[8:59 PM] Joel: Matter fact when I put this cock in you, I better fuckin hear a thank you as well

[8:59 PM] You: THANK YOU DADDY

[9:00 PM] Joel: That’s right babygirl take that fucking cock and touch that pretty clit

[9:01 PM] You: Im already close daddy please please

[9:01 PM] Joel: Fuckin right you are. greedy little whore throbbin for this big cock. cum all over those soakin wet fingers thinkin bout me. god such a slutty little bitch aren’t you

[9:01 PM] You: Yessssss daddy im a slutty little bitch youre gonna make me cum

[9:02 PM] Joel: Stop textin and take a video of that dripping cunt comin for me. That fuckin orgasm belongs to me doesn’t it babygirl. Im givin it to you so I deserve to see it

[9:03 PM] Joel: So fuckin pretty babygirl got my cock so fuckin hard let me see that fucked pussy

[9:05 PM] You: [Video Attached]

[9:05 PM] Joel: Shit baby you are the filthiest thing I ever seen. Sound so sexy those little whimpers when u came fuck

[9:05 PM] Joel: Gonna make me cum all over my fist baby

[9:05 PM] Joel: Gonna pump this pussy full of my cum take this cock and this huge fuckin load up your cunt babygirl

[9:08 PM] Joel: [Video Attached]

[9:13 PM] You: Shit. That was. Fuck. 

[9:14 PM] Joel: Not so quick-witted when you’re fucked stupid are you LOL

[9:14 PM] You: Shut up…

[9:15 PM] You: Goddamn you sure know how to sext I’ll tell you that

[9:16 PM] Joel: As you said. Had some practice over the years. Wink. 

[9:16 PM] You: Oh god, do you not know how to use emojis to wink? 😂 

[9:16 PM] You: Dinosaur 😝 🦕🦖

[9:17 PM] Joel: Yeah, well, if this “dinosaur” ever gets ahold a you, you’re gonna be real sorry for pokin fun at him, little girl

[9:20 PM] You: Well since you mention it…

[9:20 PM] You: It’s possible I might be in Austin too 

[9:21 PM] Joel: I may have suspected. The area code n all 

[9:22 PM] You: Wouldn’t it be REAL embarrassing if I did end up actually being that guy you were looking for? 😝

[9:24 PM] Joel: Shit, if Doug looks as fine as you I wouldn’t give a good goddamn LOL 

[9:25 PM] Joel: I ain’t givin out any dick discounts though 😉

[9:25 PM] You: *gasp* you do know how to use emojis!

[9:26 PM] Joel: Quick learner 😉 Gotta be if I’m gonna be your daddy after all 😏

[9:30 PM] Joel: Well I’m mighty glad I texted the wrong number darlin 

[9:31 PM] You: Me too 😊 Maybe someday we can try this in person…

[9:34 PM] Joel: I’ll bring the snake

[9:35 PM] You: 😂😂😂

____

Part 2

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[ssa-atlas-alvez]

I feel like cowboy has a background in crisis management or hostage negotiations, he’d be Quantico’s finest silver tongue. But maybe when he first arrived on the BAU team hotch seemed to doubt his abilities and wouldn’t give him the chance to prove he’s more than just a sharp shooter - maybe bc Strauss really pushed to have him put into the team in the first place so hotch is keeping cowboy at arms length

- 🦕

I'm aware this is slightly very unrealistic but ya know, it's fiction. I picture Jackson as a scared kid with a bad past

Also I didn't mean to post it so yeah hopefully it's okay lmao

Directly followed from this.

Warnings: guns, hostage negotiations, untrusting team

Taglist: @xweirdo101x @xdark-acadamiax @ara-a-bird @heidss @chubbyboyinflannel @pendragon-writes @migwayne @bigolgay @technikerin23 @supercriminalbean @honestlycasualarcade @caffeine-mess @1s3v3n1 @oddmiles @kevyeen @stealing-kneecaps @criminalskies @woodandwaxwings @anonstories08

"Let me do this." You and the team had managed to track down the kid who was doing this, when the police had surrounded the diner, he had felt trapped and pulled out a weapon. You wanted to be the one who negotiated with him, who talked him down. You could relate to him.

All of this stemmed from a scared kid who had no one left. He was left to deal with everything on his own, left to deal with the death of his father, abandoned by the system with no justice, so he took it into his own hands.

"Why should I let you do this when I have Rossi here?"

"Because I understand the kid." You answer, "And I was damn good at my job which is why Strauss recommended me for the position,"

Hotch stares at you for a moment and you stare back, you weren't going to let him intimidate you. Or even think that he can intimidate you. He nods slightly and you turn to the phone.

"Jackson? You there?"

"I'm here."

"I'm Agent (L/N)," You introduced, "You can call me (Y/N). I'm here to make sure everything gets sorted out,"

"You don't care. They don't fucking care!" Jackson yells, "No one fucking cares! No one cares that he's dead! No one cares that someone killed him! No one cares!"

"Hey, we care. That's why we're here, ain't it?"

"No, you're here so I don't go down in a rain of bullets."

"I hate to break it to you kid, that's not why I'm here." You answered, "It might be why the others are here, I'm here to make sure you don't do somethin' stupid. Somethin' you're gonna regret for years."

"You don't fucking get it!" Jackson shouts over the phone.

"Hey, hey, I get it," You kept your voice understanding, "It's tough, losin' someone you love."

"Yeah, and what would you know?"

"I- I lost my Mama at an early age, my biological Mama," You said, your voice crackling over the phone. "Everyone thought I was too young to understand, too young to remember, like twelve year olds can't think for 'emselves, y'know? N I remember bein' so angry that no one even thought to just sit me down and talk. And that's why I'm here, Jackson, I'm here to talk, to help."

"If you want to help, come inside. If you come inside, I'll let everyone go. I'll talk with you. But no one else. No one else sets foot in this building." Jackson paused for breath, "And no guns."

You nod, "Okay. That's just fine, we'll do that." As soon as your hand is off the button, Hotch is shaking his head.

"No."

"Sir, I get it, I'm the new guy, but I know what I'm doin'." You said strongly. "Just let me prove myself."

Hotch studied you for a moment before nodding. "You have five minutes."

"Thank you, sir," With that, you placed your gun in Hotch’s hand before making your way into the building (after they fit a wire).

When you get in, the hostages run out. At the very least you would be the only casualty if this went south.

"Hey kid," You said softly, sliding in one of the booths, Jackson hesitantly sat opposite you, his gun firmly aimed at you.

"This has to be some kind of trick."

"I want to help you."

"Do you have a wire?"

"Yes." You answer honestly, Jackson looks at you for a moment before nodding.

"You weren't supposed to tell me that, was you?"

You shook your head, "Nope." You answered, "But I did - for two reasons, I need you to feel like you trust me - and that requires my honesty - and I honestly think at this rate I might get fired, so it don't matter all that much anyway."

"That's ballsy," Jackson commented and you gave a small laugh.

"N what? Bein' an FBI agent isn't?"

Jackson laughed before sobering up, "Why are you being nice to me?"

"Because you're a kid." You shrugged, "You've had it tough, but if you work hard, and face the consequences of your actions, you can come out the other end of this better."

"How? Everyone already treats me like I'm some lowlife. How can I possibly change that if no one is willing to give me a chance?"

"I'm willin' to give you a chance. I'm willin' to help." You said, "All you need to do to show me that you're willin' to change is to give me the gun n walk out there with me n show me that you're willin' to put in the time."

Jackson studies you for a moment before he nods, placing the gun on the table and sliding it towards you. You take it, emptying it of bullets - placing the gun in one pocket and the bullets in another. "Okay." He whispers softly. "I want to change. I want to be better."

"Then that's all that matters kid, fuck everyone else." You said, "Come on, let's go set things right, yeah?"

"Yeah... Okay..." He says hesitantly as he stands from the booth.

"Facin' the consequences of your actions are never easy," You said as you also stood, "But it's how you react to realisin' you made a mistake that determines the type of person you are."

Jackson nods, squaring his shoulders before leading the way out of the building with his hands raised. You give him a nod of encouragement as he gets into the police car.

You turn to Hotch, "Sorted." You answer before climbing into the SUV.

"He's good, I'll give him that..." Rossi mumbles before joining you in the car. "Good job, Kid."

"Thanks."

[gamie99]

Hey, Skibidi Tumblr! Let's do another writing exercise!

I posted the first of these a few months ago on Christmas Day, and I absolutely loved all the responses you guys made! I had so much fun reading your additions, that I just had to do another one! In fact, I've had this exact prompt brewing in the back of my mind for forever! I think y'all will really like it!

(I wanted to add concept doodles to this prompt too, but I'm tired rn and can't be bothered lmao. Maybe I'll add them later ^^;)

In case you missed it, here's the gist!:

Under the cut, I've written a little scene with dialogue involving some of my OCs (in this case, Skip and Solo!). Anyone that wants to participate can reblog this post with their own characters, reacting and responding to the provided scenario!

If you aren't all that good at writing but still want to participate, then that's alright. Bullet points describing your character's thoughts or actions, or even drawing your OC's response are perfectly fine as well!

Happy writing, everybody! Can't wait to see what you'll make this time! :D

They had them cornered now.

In a dark and tiny alleyway in the heart of an old-world city, two traitors stood against the world. The first of them, a lanky Speakerman, dressed in a gray suit and a rather bold and colorful tie. The second, a scrawny Skibidi, with disheveled dark hair and old scars running down his cheek. The pair huddled together, backs pressed against old brick and mortar. The Skibidi tried his best to ignore the pounding pain in the side of his head, as fresh blood ran down the side of his face and dripped below into his slightly cracked bowl. The Speakerman stood in front of him, attempting to put on a brave face. He couldn't do it very well, unfortunately. Who wouldn't, if practically their entire faction was staring them down?

Blocking the entrance to the alley was a large squadron of Alliance agents - cameras, speakers, TVs and all. Speakermen gave the defector betrayed looks of shame, and Cameramen stood at attention with their guns ready - a few of them were broadcasting, the Speakerman noticed. A few TV Men stood amongst them, their arms crossed and their screens displaying disapproving stares. Their lone large unit stood furthest back with with his sub-screens outstretched, shining blinding spotlights down on the little runaways.

Police sirens suddenly sounded off, and the toilet looked up to see the law enforcement of his kind hovering in the air overhead. Mutants and striders stood on the rooftops, glaring down at him with sharpened fangs and glowing eyes that pierced through the dark. This was it. It was over. They were surrounded on all sides. They well and truly had no chance of escape, they were completely and utterly trapped.

Standing defensively in front of the injured Skibidi, the Speakerman reached into his pocket and shakily pulled out a combat knife, rusted and chipped from months of under-use. Holding it in front of him so amateurishly made him look almost freshly built, like he had just begun basic training.

"P-please!" the Speakerman pleaded, his voice waivering with his confidence . "Don't... don't hurt us! D-don't hurt him!"

[elekinetic]

user elekinetic do you have any tips to spare for outlining fics 😭 i feel like I word vomit any of the concept that I have in my head, and dialogue ,and build off that adding paragraphs as I go and I go so slow bc of it. But ive been trying hard lately to write a list of “scenes” and bullet point the story but yeah.

do you know anything that could help me have an idea of where to go start to finish instead of starting at the random spot I’ve come up with first? I waste so much writing time because I haven’t built a backstory for characters and things like that so i don’t always know how they start the story off, only the situation they’re in. Is that something that could help? Making a list for each character or something? Would love to hear your thoughts thank you! <3

hi! first of all i’m so flattered you asked! to be clear, i am a very slow writer too lmao and i’m relatively new to prose writing, and though in very confident in my understanding of what makes a good story (W screenwriting), i am still figuring out my outlining process. but hey! let’s learn together.

sorry in advance for how long this is. i love talking.

so i basically figure everything out in the outline and write after i feel very good about it. if you have a strong foundation, everything gets a hell of a lot easier. t kind of sounds like your process might be similar to mine, so i’m just gonna explain what i'm doing for my current project.

my key document is my “bible.” i split it up into a couple different sections using page breaks (page breaks my best friend ily page breaks):

pitch/word vomit summary

scene ideas

outline

notes

ok so wtf does that mean.

1. pitch/word vomit summary — explain your concept. bc i've got a film/tv background, im starting off with my logline. (e.g. "after robin learns will is gay, they have a heart to heart in an abandoned video store about insecurity and feeling alone. they learn they're not." sometimes i'll follow that up with a note to myself like, "this fic isn't robin finding out, this is what happens after. starts with her already knowing. will pov, focus on his perception of robin changing. subtly reference toward feelings about mike, dont come out (haha) and say it") then, i write as MUCH of the concept down as i can, like i'm explaining it to a friend. (sometimes i copy and paste rants from dms directly into the document). it can be totally out of order, non-sensical, contradictory. just get as many of your ideas down as possible. you want to be able to come back to this and be like, oh i totally forgot about that. vague chapter summaries, personal notes about themes, whatever you want. i have a list of beats that you find in romantic dramas for inspiration and a paragraph abt ways i want to parallel/subvert s3 of st. just. go ham. 2. scene ideas — this is pretty self explanatory. i take some of the stuff i have in the p/s and flesh it out, or put down new ideas. this is where i'm writing out dialogue in bullet points, or what i want them to be Really Saying. (e.g. "mike: [panics bc he feels seen, tries to flip it back on (redacted) and fails] ") this is for when i can see stuff more clearly or i get out of the shower with a whole exchange in my head. gonna be out of order, a little all over the place. 3. outline — so. this is where you start piecing it together. put the bullet points in order. figure out objective of each scene and what needs to happen to accomplish that goal. figure out pacing, what needs to happen when. this step is where im looking at dialogue and thinking "why does mike say that? why does he feel that way? what needs to happen to get him to this point emotionally?" or looking at scenes and thinking "these are two scenes with people arguing back to back. lets make sure they feel different and give the characters different tactics to get what they want (byler argument where mike is avoiding will vs max argument where max is avoiding lucas. i could use this to highlight similarities and differences in the relationships, but having two scenes with the same tactics back to back might feel repetitive. maybe i move the scenes farther apart or change circumstances. maybe mike and will are having a veiled argument while theyre with a group of friends in a public space and max and lucas' argument is outside max's house.) also asking if conflicts are resolved too quickly, if the miscommunications feel too convenient, if characters disappear or are only around as plot devices. write. troubleshoot. repeat. 4. random notes — everything else that doesnt fit. for me this is literally just taylor swift lyrics (writing the fic vaguely off of a Specific Song that SHOULD BE STREAMED MORE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE anyway) and links to posts i use as character reference to make sure im staying true to the characters. (remembering will said "i was being a total jerk to el, i deserved it," AND "you're ruining everything, and for what!"/"i wasn't moping!")

i want it to be clear im doing all of this at the same time. im jumping around and pulling new ideas and rearranging as stuff changes. i think the thing that's really hard is that i want to be able to sit down, write the outline, and then move on. but for us scatterbrained writers, you're gonna have to re-outline and readjust like. a thousand times. and that's okay. that's good! it feels tedious as hell but the story is so much better for it.

take your time. let yourself be slow. keep finding holes in your story and fill the world in as you fix them.

here are some more questions i ask myself to make the story better:

What are you trying to accomplish over the course of the story? What is it about? (for the will&robin fic, it was something about feeling seen for the first time.) When you get lost in your story or aren't sure why a scene feels stale, come back to this. is the scene furthering that goal?

What is changing internally for each of your main characters? (yes theyre dating by the end but like. what do they learn.)

Are the side characters people or props? (will pov scene of a party-wide picnic where everyone's talking but will is focused on mike's hands.... where is max's head at in the scene? you don't have to have a super long backstory and she doesn't have to be a big part of the plot, but if she's saying something, figure out why she's saying it. if will is having a heart to heart with el, understand why el is responding the way she is. the scene's goal may be to get will through a breakthrough, but el's circumstances will change in the scene too. figure out how this conversation lands with her. oh, and remember the adults are people too!)

Why is this character saying this/why are they responding this way? (this should answer your "where do i start?" question. start in that random spot and figure out A) why they are there and B) why they are reacting the way they do (see last bullet point).

side note: some of the best advice i ever got was "enter the scene late, exit early." skip the prologue. try starting from that random spot. if it feels like something's missing, figure out exactly what that something is, and go from there

Do the stakes feel high enough?

What do i need to set up to make sure this scene/beat is satisfying as possible? (are will and mike going to have a big argument? oh, so we have to show tension before.... BAM you have another scene to write and your outline is fuller)

i could go on a lot longer but. basically.

i edit while i write. i'm someone who needs a very fucking strong outline and a very fucking clear idea of the story before i can start writing it. i'm putting probably 70-80% of the leg work in at the start so i can focus on making the prose (or script, most of the time) the best it can be.

THAT BEING SAID, this is just the way i do it and i have like. a fic and a half published. im taking my sweet time bc im creatively burned out and this is for fun first and foremost. like i said. i am a Very Slow Writer.

i highly, highly recommend hitting up the ask boxes of writers like @/strangeswift, @/wiseatom, @/astrobei, or @/andiwriteordie. no guarantees on responses bc they are busy ppl with busy lives but i really do think theyre some of the best writers out here right now, and im not just saying that bc they're my friends. abby (strangeswift) and i have been each other's sounding board through a lot of projects and she's almost done with one of her first Big Fics, so its worth asking her about that.

i hope this helps! ah!!

[nonuggetshere]

GIVE KNIGHTS AND FLOWER STUFF PLS

SORRY IT'S DAY LATER, I WAS TIRED AND COULDNT GET MY BRAIN TO THINK BUT HERE'S THE STUFF

This is gonna be LONG so buckle up

I am putting this under read more, this got unreasonably long LMAO

The entire incident was of course shocking and a heavy blow to them. They always tried to treat Flower right and developed actual affection for them, but the realisation that they contributed to something so awful shakes them up. Isma damn near tears up but tries to stay strong. All of them aren't the same afterwards. They're still loyal to Hallownest and somewhat to the crown, but they all feel betrayed and disgusted with themselves.

At first, they avoid them just like their parents. They can't even look at them without feeling a crushing amount of guilt. But after a few months, sometime after the Radiance fiasco and they don't have to run around like headless chickens to try and deal with the infection, they finally decide that they should put an effort into making them feel welcome.

For small context, there's a three day winter holiday that marks the end of winter/year and the beginning of spring/new year, and one of the days involves a winter ball. Flower was put on guard duty during it (which I actually wrote an entire minific about if you're interested (and I can find it)), and the knights in short thought "wow that's deppressing", realised they weren't any better in their treatment of them and decided to make an effort to not be.

And now I am going to drop an old minific on you that I spontaneously wrote in my friend's dms

This is not beta read or anything proper on the account of being written in discord dms, just fyi

Sometime after the winter celebrations, the knights finally decide to bite the bullet and start inviting Flower over to spend time with them

Flower was lingering in the palace when they stumbled onto Dryya and Isma heading somewhere, and to their surprise, Dryya called out to them.

"Knight!"

They paused, looking back at her.

She smiled. "Care to join us?" She held up her blade. "Some friendly sparing with the rest of the knights."

Flower looked around to see if she wasn't talking to somebody else then looked back at her and pointed at themself. She chuckled.

"Who else would I be talking to?"

Isma also smiled. "Well, if you want to join us, we'll be at the training grounds. You don't have to, of course, but it'd be a pleasure to have you there."

They turned and walked off, chatting about whatever it was they were chatting previously.

It would be...what?

...Well, they had nothing better to do, they could as well.

They headed back to their room and put on their armour, took their sword and headed for the training grounds.

The knights looked...glad to see them? That was a first...

"Hey, glad you could make it!" Hegemol got up with that usual bright smile of his and came up to them, patting them on the shoulder. "You're just in time, we were just getting started."

Dryya stopped stretching and picked up her sword and mask, smiling at them. "Would you like to go first? I'm dying to see the skills that allowed you to kick the Radiance's ass."

Flower almost wanted to correct her, but found their hands unable to move. They were acting friendly, sure, but...they still felt awkward and tense, and acting methodical and hollow felt familiar and safe. So they instead silently stepped into the ring with Dryya and readied their sword.

This...felt familiar. It felt good. Being in this arena, fighting like they used to, hearing the other knights' distant chatter and comments, even laughter - it almost felt like nothing ever happened, like they were back to how it used to be, in the comfortable yet painful façade they've crafted for years, before any of these people knew the truth. It was a bittersweet feeling. They tried to focus on the training itself.

They found it enjoyable, after all. Even if they hadn't chose to take up their blade on their own accord, they still found enjoyment in the art.

Yet the moment they left that ring, they felt like an intruder all over again. They sat to the side, some ways away from the other knights, just watching them train and make small talk. Watching from afar as they chatted and laughed. It...didn't felt right to sit by them. They shouldn't have the privilege to be included in the kights' daily routine or their friendly banter.

They instead silently watched Dryya and Isma spare against one another.

"So," Isma panted. "What do you think?"

"Excellent as always, Isma!"

"Oh, don't flatter me Ogrim and give me some actual criticism!" She laughed.

"-What do you think, knight?"

Flower snapped back to reality from their thoughts and looked up at them, to see all five of the knights were looking back at them. Were...they talking to them? Why weren't they calling them vessel?

Hegemol gave them a reassuring smile. "Do you have anything to add?"

They paused for a moment, looking away then slowly shaking their head.

"Ah, well, that's fine. I'm not a talkative person either."

But it wasn't just that, it wasn't just their shyness or reserved nature. They were much more comfortable in combat, but became that much more tense when sitting among them.

The training session finally came to an end, and Flower bowed to the five and, without making another gesture or waiting for their goodbyes, they walked off. After all, they weren't used to getting goodbyes, so when they heard the five say 'bye' to them they got almost startled. They glanced back, gave them a polite nod, and left.

What followed was an awkward silence, finally broken by Dryya's sight.

"Alright, did anybody else see it too or was it just me?"

They all nodded slowly.

"I hope they weren't uncomfortable..." Isma muttered.

"If they were, I don't think they would have came in the first place." Ogrim patted her shoulder in an attempt to console her.

"Unless they took our invitation as an order." Dryya crossed her arms.

"...I...hope not..."

The usually chatty and light-hearted atmosphere past their regular sparring sessions was now instead replaced by a heavy silence hanging over all of them.

Hegemol finally sighed and sat back with his arms crossed.

"Well...the king got his weapon..."

Meanwhile when Flower bumps into Hornet they're just going to have this thousand yard stare

"Hornet the weirdest thing just happened to me"

Isma hunts them down later that same day and invites them to another sparing session, but reassures them they don't have to come if they don't want to, says they wouldn't want them to showup if it made them uncomfortable

But Flower does anyway, because it feels familiar - at least in a small part, and familiarity and comfort is all they want right now. Even if it comes with awkwardness and some discomfort.

So every so often, they start to show up to spare with the knights, and all the while they don't talk to them, they remain stoic and still. Still that proper "hollow" knight they used to be, even if it's a lie, even if everybody present knows it's a lie. It's still a comfortable lie, it feels familiar and safe, however othering and hurtful.

Knights try their best to make Flower feel welcomed and wanted, but it feels like every time they try to include them in conversations they only retreat even further into themself

They don't leave their "proper" pose, it almost feels like they're trying to be hollow even now

They finally see some of their personality shine through, just once. When Hornet shows up.

They stood perfectly straight with their hands neatly crossed behind their back. As always they didn't participate in any of the conversations, didn't even sit or stand close to the other knights, just watched as the five chatted and waited for them to choose whose turn it was.

Then, just as they turned to the knight, they heard a pair of footsteps approaching - fast.

Flower jumped back, just in time as a familiar red blur zoomed past.

Hornet slid into a halt and the two siblings looked at each other, before she lunged at them and swung at their feet, trying her hardest to trip them up.

They jumped and dodged every swing, moving back as they did so, in an almost scarily ease. They eventually placed their own well aimed kick and took the princess off her feet. She landed on the sandy ground with an audible 'oof' and stared up at them.

"Bitch."

They squatted in front of her and flicked her in the nose.

"Stop embarrassing me and let me hit you."

They finally moved their hands up and signed. "Stop embarrassing yourself and get better aim."

"I will strangle you in your sleep."

They got up. "Good luck with that, twerp."

She jumped to her feet and got in their face, or the best that she could. "Who're calling twerp, tall freak?!"

"You."

"Uhm..." The two finally turned to look at Dryya and her fellow knights, who were looking at them. "Sorry to disturb you, your highness, but what's the meaning of...this?"

Hornet huffed. "I've been trying to sneak up on them and take them down for forever but it isn't working. It's like the asshole has a sixth sense for my attacks or something."

"No offence, princess," Hegemol rubbed the back of his neck, smiling awkwardly. "But have you considered that you're a bit...loud?

Flower tensed up and their shoulders shook, though they tried to supress it. Hornet spun around and hit her needle against their chest plate.

"Do not laugh at me!"

It only seemed to make it worse though, as they tensed up even more and made an audible 'hhhh' sound.

This is the most animated they've ever seen them, and the first time they've seen them sign

The knights of course start inviting them to hang out outside of spars too, figuring they might feel better when they're not in a setting that reminded them of their training. It doesn't work.

One of the things they invite them to are their hot spring baths in the pleasure house, which is actually inspired by voidsiblings' fanfic Thorns of Steel (this is a promo, go read it it's good)

They were going back to their room after a long day when they get stopped by Isma

"Hello, knight." Isma smiled. "Are you busy by any chance?"

They pause and eventually shake their head slowly.

"Would you like to come to the pleasure house with us? We've booked a hot spring for private use, and you look like you could use some relaxation."

They freeze.

...Hot spring? With the knights? They wanted them there?

"You don't have to come, of course, but we'd love to have you there! Just- come meet me at the palace entrance in an hour if you decide to come."

And with that, she left.

Flower didn't want to disappoint their teachers, and...it did sound nice. So in an hour they made their way down the steps of the palace and saw Isma and Hegemol waiting there for them. They were chatting when they spotted them and both smiled.

"Glad you could make it after all." Hegemol chuckled.

"You're just in time too, come on."

They make their way to the pleasure house, and Flower almost wants to split and go listen to the beautiful music instead, but follows their teachers up to the springs. They all get warm welcomes, and thanks to the round style of the room they're kind of forced to sit among them.

So they just silently sit on the edge of the spring, with only their legs submerged and listen to the knights chatting and laughing amongst themselves.

Ogrim at some point slaps their knee, which almost startles them and they look down at him.

"Knight, you can take off your mask! We're all friends here, are we not?"

Flower tenses up and awkwardly looks away, hugging themself.

Isma tries to give them a reassuring smile. "Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to."

"Yes, of course! It was just a suggestion."

This...this felt bizarre. It felt alien. None of this was right.

They felt like an intruder, like they didn't belong there. They were just an outsider looking in on five life long friends having a great time together, and they... They were just a stranger. They...they were invited there just out of pity, weren't they?

They didn't belong there, they shouldn't be here. They didn't deserve this. They were a traitor, a broken vase, a deceiver and they didn't deserve this pity. They didn't deserve to be treated like one of them. They shouldn't be here.

"Le'mer?"

Ze'mer's soft tone finally snapped them out of their thoughts, and they found all five of the great knights looking at them.

"Are you alright?" Hegemol tried to reach for their shoulder in an attempt to comfort them, but overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts and the deep, alienating sense of not belonging in that space, Flower jolted away.

Quickly they jumped back and ran out of the room, grabbing their shoes on the way out. They just had to get out of there.

That, and the sudden anxiety spike of realising people are looking at them.

This guy's a mess <3

They go outside to take a quick breather, put on their shoes and go back to the palace

Isma goes to look for them but they're already gone

Or maybe she even catches them outside, tries to reach for their shoulder but they flinch away

And then they leave

Despite this, they still show up to their next sparring session, and pretend that nothing happened

They start pulling away at this point because they think they pushed too much and don't want to force Flower into doing anything they don't want to. But Flower does enjoy spending time with them, even though their anxiety kicks them in the butt every time, so they keep going to their sparring sessions.

It takes a long time, but they eventually very slowly relax around them. Hornet was a huge help with this, as she started to come with occasionally as moral support (emotional support sister), and she does not let Flower act hollow under any circumstances. Macebug also turns out to be big help in that, because they're basically a very smart pet and they love Flower and they frequently go to them for pets and lay on their lap, and being able to pet them and play with them helps them relax quite a bit.

Eventually they start sitting closer to them, start being more animated, start giving criticism when asked for it, even start joining in on conversations.

They eventually start coming to springs with them again, ant actually join them in the water, and even start taking off their mask. The first time they heard them laugh and the first time they saw them smile the knights were just ECSTATIC.

One time Flower fell asleep in the water and immediately smacked their face against it which woke them up. The knight tried so hard not to laugh, and promptly got splashed with water by them.

At this point their relationship with Lummis and Petunia is still a secret and even though the knights don't know what's going on, they cover for Flower whenever they can. Hegemol eventually does figure out who Flower is dating, either by himself or because Flower finally told them their name and it finally clicked for him (Hegemol is Lummis' godfather FYI, mainly bc I thought them having to avoid Hegemol specifically like wildfire would be entertaining)

My friend bluethepearldiver had a banger idea that "Le'mer" means an extremely affectionate term for a child in Ze'mer's language and even wrote a little drabble for it.:

Le’mer. (Pronounced la-MARE)

Flower froze. Was that…? No, this was most certainly and undoubtedly what Ze’mer kept calling them. Now to see what it meant…

Literal translation: ‘Beloved little one’. An extremely affectionate term for a child.

They read the definition again, and again, and again, hoping they were hallucinating or read it wrong. They weren’t.

Beloved. Extremely affectionate term. Beloved. But why? They didn’t deserve to be loved!

There's also an entire subplot about the coats of arms or whatever it's called but I am not an expect and this is long enough as is soooo

@bluethepearldiver PSPSPSPSPS

[octolingo-writes]

MAY I GET DIRECTORS COMMENTARY ON THIS PART FROM UR FIC

The thoughts bombarded him like bullets to his heart and mind, and before Chip could do anything he felt himself spiraling. Oh gods, he was dead. His heart was missing. Captain Widow had literally ripped his heart out of his mouth. He could still taste the blood in the back of his throat—or could he? Could he even taste anything anymore? Was anything he felt real, anything he heard, anything he saw? Was he even real?

Chip didn’t know. For once in his life, Chip was completely without a plan. There was nothing he could do to help himself. He was dead, dead, dead, dead, dead—

“Chip,” a voice said, and a warm hand put itself on Chip’s arm. He jolted, sucking air in through his lungs more out of reflex than necessity, and sat up sharply, turning to look at—at Jay, who blinked, startled, at Chip’s sudden reaction. “Hey, there you are. You back?”

:0 of course! Honestly, I think the main thing I wanted to do here was to really quickly escalate the fic, because I knew I wanted Chip to be comforted by Jay and Gill, but since Chip was keeping to himself and wasn't in visible distress, I felt like Gill and Jay would've kept their distance unless they visibly saw that something was wrong, which is what Chip's intense dissociation was supposed to do--it's pretty likely that Jay or Gill tried to talk to Chip while he was dissociating and panicking, and so when he didn't respond they knew something was wrong

I also may have projected a little (a lot) because I tend to get lost in my own head really easily, and this bleeds into the characters I write because frankly I get lost in my own writing and then characters just start to spiral lmao--

So yeah, that was my thought process! Projection and a need for Chip to be comforted :)

[heartfelttry]

on a tiktok comment, i mentioned having taken notes of thepandaredd's OCs and whatnot to be able to name-drop them once i am un-sickly enough to commit to writing DC fanfics (and i mentioned them in a comment to begin with because either thepandredd has two OCs named Ted now, or we got a prequel or reboot of their original Ted OC) and it got over 1 Like which is all the attention i needed to post my notes lmao

(it just took me a while to post bc i got Too Into My Own Head about having maybe missed something, so i re-watched all thepandaredd's not-Comic-Book-Club videos (tho i do enjoy those, you should watch them) on his yt channel before posting this)

real quick, please note, i did leave all my headcanons in here because i am emotionally attached to them, but i did make said hcs labeled in blue and i made them tiny so you can know where to avoid them if you so wish. that was my big thing i want anybody reading to be aware of. onto the smaller notes of interest (no pun intended, i just prefer small-text when i babble and over-explain), these notes are messy chaotically organized. bc my brain is messy chaotically organized. (also: i have dyslexia and chronic memory loss, so please do forgive the accidental missspellings and the not-accidental "isn't this too much detail?" sections) this is all copy-pasted from my notes with some additions made for your guys' convenience (i put in links where i remembered links go (im sure i missed some citations i could have linked and forgot to even cite links in many other places, ugh, i do not want to cite everything, i gave up, i know my notes have evidence even if i didn't link the video every time, you fact-check, i'm tired lmao rip), i colored the text sometimes, i clarified things i theorize sometimes so things make sense to non-mind-readers, the works. i always speak to a hypothetical audience in my notes tho, so, shockingly, that wasn't actually added for you. idk why i p much always do that; i just accept it. but you're welcome). feel free to copy and edit this down further for your own use to update. i know i plan to update my private notes when new info/OCs come out, but idk if i will update this public post, ever, but hey! maybe!

also, above all: please follow thepandaredd (he/they) on your favorite social media of choice. support the guy on patreon. buy merch. all the good stuff. here's the linktree to all the important things related to thepandaredd's socials and whatnot. enjoy their creations, he's really fun lol

● was posted: 30 March 2024 ● was last updated: 2 April 2024 (reason for update: i realized i forgot the Reboot Hand, updated on March 31st + forgot to include a bullet-point on Bill being anti-smoking, and forgot to say who set Bill on fire, updated on April 1st + realized i got confused and my math on Bill's age was wrong as i originally said he was a minimum of "16+ years older than the 10 year-old Robin he met" when he is actually a minimum of 6+ years older to therefore make him a minimum of 16 years old to Robin's 10, updated on April 2nd)

↳ here is my "after posting this" thoughts if you are curious. it consists entirely of a friend of mine encouraging me to publish some texts i sent her answering "what was my favorite thing i learned?" and "do i have any questions?" (from 30 March 2024 original post) ↳ ill maybe make another one of these "after posting this thoughts" if i ever do a BIG update on this? who knows lol

also, please note i have yet to see any thepandaredd twitch streams (i just know my brain and my brain likes edited content, esp if it is short or short-ish bc my brain loves that shit. i like Dimension 20 more than Critical Role, i like ConnorDawg's gaming youtube channel more than CDawgVA's twitch or his VOD youtube channel that said edited gaming videos all come from, and i like audio dramatizations of books way more than audiobooks. it is just how i unfortunately or fortunately work), so idk if any additional info has been said there. i have heard good things about thepandaredd's Stream Dump youtube channel tho, so do go to that aforementioned linktree and check it out! if i ever am able to get my brain to accept twitch VODs, and not just zone out and disassociate when i should be engaged, i will delete this section (hence why it is under the Read More) and update accordingly ✌️

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★★★ AGENT OF THE REBOOT (DC only so far, created by thepandaredd. probably should have a Marvel equivalent or else also exist in Marvel? or maybe the TVA counts, idk, i havent seen "Loki")

● has one confirmed worker of an unknown name and unknown pronouns (hc/theories on pronouns: However, since this character's form can change, one can assume this agent character takes on the pronouns of the original form (eg. the character did take on Bill The Henchman's form and Bill uses he/him pronouns, so assumedly this agent character would accept he/him pronouns while using Bill's form. it feels respectful towards the original form. however, this is an argument one can use as a hc and is not confirmed. i hate JKR, but remember the scene where everyone used polyjuice potions to pretend to be Harry Potter in the last book and they all kept their original pronouns despite having Harry's face? like, as an explicit example, Hermione still had she/her pronouns while fully transformed into having Harry's body? weirdly pro-trans scene for a terf to have written. but yeah, same could go for this character. so an argument can be made both ways); but if i ever write about this agent, until proven otherwise: my hc and what i plan to do is either they/them or a neo-pronoun for this character due to a mixture of headcanon (kinda cool for an organization to be totally nameless, ageless, faceless, and genderless (maybe even of a omniuniversal hive-mind? idk, we don't know anything), so i assume this is that) and a lack of clarity/details on this specific agent character. but there you go, there are all the options one can assume for this agent character's pronouns. adjacently, personally, if i do a neo-pronoun for this character when writing: i think i'll either do the "the royal we", a classic; or i will do the definite article, as recently popularized in "Doctor Who", but idk, we'll see, might just do "they/them" for simplicity sake. or maybe we'll get pronouns if the Agent comes back, who fucking knows). (hc name of character: remember that Iron Man MCU joke about "What? Phil? No, his first name is Agent" about Agent Phil Coulson of SHIELD? yeah, if i write for this character, i will be assuming an acceptable name is "Agent, just Agent")

● Introduced as "I'm an agent of The Reboot". unsure if organization is "The Reboot" or "Agents Of The Reboot" or if its called something else and he just did layman terms for it so that it was "agent of the reboot"? i have no idea. i personally most prefer Agents Of The Reboot, or layman terms if i or someone else can come up with a cooler name. (if this was Marvel and i had seen "Loki", there would probably be a Time Variance Authority (TVA) joke to make here). could also be just a one-man thing where Agent Of The Reboot is the character's name/species, and they are the only fucking one?? idk, we aren't supposed to know shit about this character, they are supposed to be a mystery, it makes sense that nothing is confirmed and that nothing makes sense, idk what to tell you

↳ ThePandaRedd normally introduces character name differentiations via a text box saying who is playing who, but this guy's just said " ? ". what a fun meta detail lol

● Helps characters reboot and "get to where you're supposed to go"

● This agent/The organization is responsible for "Crisis on Infinite Earth", "New 52" reboots

● Reboot ability is activated via snapping. very Thanos of the character, but sure, why not, it's a cool fucking ability

● Copies other person's face because "it's what your brain will recognize the easiest". Visually, to readers, it looks like a pixelated version of it (i assume that aspect is for viewer's clarity of who is speaking when. kind of like how "Avatar: The Last Airbender"'s air is supposed to be invisible (y'know, as air generally is) to the characters within the show, but is drawn so viewers can see what Aang is bending and how. but. like. for character design)

↳ Was introduced helping Bill The Henchman, more about that in Bill's section. Said Bill's storyline "got too convoluted" and instead of fixing the storyline, Bill was deemed for a reboot-- well, the whole universe was taken to start over, actually. 

↳ speaks with a slight computer-y voice-changer effect. makes the character kind of sound like they come from an 8-bit video-game.

↳ my hc: is that this kind of works as a mixture of "The Digital Circus" and @/cholv0q (of tiktok)'s Alastor of "Hazbin Hotel" re-design (their linktree is over here btw). where the character kind of just comes from this early-internet days (which is when there was more widespread bingeing and cross-references of comics, due to them being uploaded digitally and fan-forums citing themselves and whatnot (which, fun fact: apparently, January 1, 1983 is considered the Internet's official birthday. so that is the fucking earliest we could be talking about) (i know also the idea of comics in academia, like getting analyzed in essays, became more popularized around this time. but i don't know how much of that is causation and correlation. it's still considered new and novel for a campus to include graphic novels in a required reading list, though it is on the edge of being "uncommon but welcome" nowadays. English classes entirely focused on graphic novels, albums, and comics are still a v new-ish thing. but im getting off-topic, that was just my experience in going to college in the ~2020s anyway). and ergo, comic companies had to care a bit more about continuity and it was less of a "well, it depends on the writer if they care about that" thing. hence, the kind of "the demand formed and so the need was filled" creation of this character/organization? (not as in "ah, i see a job oppurtunity here" type of "demand formed, and we can fulfill that need". but as in "the universe is ever-expanding and ever-repairing itself" kind of mysterious cosmic horror. kind of like Marvel Comics' The Watchers but 50× the eldritch horror. like whatever force in the universe made Earth's deep sea creatures and DC-Comics-version-of-Mars' white martians? that force played some early desktop computer horror games and said "let me put this on my pinterest board as inspo for this new project i'm working on" type of shit. nobody knows where this fucker/these fuckers came from, they just didn't exist before and suddenly they came into being, fully formed. very unsettling) and due to the tech of the time, the voice filter and pixelation of the face make even more sense. how does "The Digital Circus" apply to this? just the sense of "omnipotence in an old fucking desktop computer technology" really. as for the @/cholv0q's Alastor of "Hazbin Hotel" re-design bit, i just really fucking like that Chol included this bit about "changing[ this character's vocal abilities to come from] an old radio[ on his chest,] where his real voice comes from, instead of his mouth or throat". i really fucking like that idea so im yoinking it and switching the tech away from a 1920s radio. and i think that would be fucking sick to apply to this Agent character considering their shapeshifting, pixelation, implied vocal changes (i assume the voice changes with the form and its not That Voice with every form, just That Voice Filter ontop of the everchanging voice), voice filter, and general uncanny-valley-ness. just imagine a pixelated version of your face talking to you about rebooting your life while never opening their mouth, as the uncanny low-rez doppleganger version of you talks to you through a fucking 80s PC speaker lodged in its throat/clavicle area, sounding like the earliest versions of a voice-acted horror video-game. i love it. i think it maintains the mystery about "how the fuck, whomst the fuck" while upping the creepy to be even creepier, to me at least. plus, then there's the whole "snaps to reboot" ability, yes, but now we got the "Video-Game Boss with a Second Phase" built in right there because if snapping does all that reality-shattering/-bending nonsense then what the fuck do you think happens if the Agent does finally open their fucking mouth???

● also, this symbol flashed up while Bill the Henchman fell post-snap. i normally wouldn't think to screenshot such a thing, but i thought it was odd upon my most recent re-watch (bc anxiety about posting this publicly and maybe missing something, you get it) that it kind of has a hand-shape inside it? which a hand symbol + the act of snapping with one's hand correlates in an interesting way, not to mention the timing of this appearing IMMEDIATELY after the snap. but maybe it is a comic reference i am missing? maybe it is related to the Agents of the Reboot getting their own merch of some kind someday? do they get a logo, does that make sense for them to have, are they a team or...? idk. but i added it here just in case it is pertinent in some way (excuse the low resolution)

● the fucker (/tone indicator: affectionate) is within this compilation video, i will only link this video one more time in Bill The Henchman's section (below, under the "People" section)

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★★★ RED HOOD'S ANTI-HERO ACCIDENT ASSURANCES (DC only. created in a comment within thepandaredd's tiktok that then thepandaredd replied to and acted out. the comment was by @/timelordpoet1273 on tiktok. i probably didn't need to write this one but it made me laugh so im including it)

● timelordpoet273's comment: "Red Hood just starts his own insurance company. He names it Anti-Hero Accident Assurances. Nobody answers the phone, and the voiceail is swear words."

● thepandaredd, uh, i mean, Jason Todd's said voicemail (yes, i made a fucking transcription lmao pls let me live, i have chronic memory loss and my notes are my lifeblood): [voice 1] "Hello. And thank you for calling Red Hood's Anti-Hero Accident Assurances. If you are calling in regard to one of our anti-heroes, please stay on the line for a recorded message." [voice 2] "Now I know for a goddamn fact that you did not just call an insurance agency to try to file a claim against a bunch of anti-heroes that kill people for a living. Do you have any idea how much ammo fucking costs? We are out here spending our entire life savings to buy you the briefest little moments of the only life you will ever live, and you have the audacity to try and file a claim against us? What the fuck did we do, shoot out your knee-cap? Fuck you. Whatever we did is going to save you down the fucking line. Goddamn— Hang up your fucking phone."

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★★★ SUPERB PROWERS: SUPERHERO INSURANCE (DC only so far, created by thepandaredd. Marvel equivalent is "Damage Control")

↳ colloquially, it's apparently called "Superb Prowers Insurance Agency"

● Motto: "Superb Prowers insurance. If it's not a bird and it's not a plane, give us a ring and we'll do our thang." (note: Todd Andrews hates saying this at the beginning of every phone-call)

● Covers civillian damages done by superheroes + super-battles. "Our team mostly covers superhero and super-powered related accidents and injuries?"

↳ Does not cover supervillains (from damages done to said villains by superheroes) (however: Bill the Henchman was covered by them for the loss of his bones)

● is up the street from Vitriol Vindications (which is insurance for supervillains and the damages done to them by superheroes)

● confirmed workers: Todd Andrews (is one of their representatives, as in "I represent Superb Prowers Agency". more on Todd Andrews is below, has their own section with the other OCs in "People"); maybe/maybe not to be confused with Todd the Goonion Rep (section is below, under the "People" heading. where he works, The First Universal Henchmen's Union, is below, under the "Associations" heading) and/or maybe/maybe not confused with the Todd that is Bill's friend from high school (below, under "People") bc idk, guess they could all be the same guy? idk, i would assume no but maybe

↳ Todd Andrews' outfit is in their own character section, which could arguably be following the company's dress-code for its workers or be their employees' uniform or something

↳ in the first video Todd Andrews used a cell phone and paced around. second video on, Todd Andrews is seated, assumedly at a computer, and is wearing a headset with microphone attachment. not wireless. assumedly, the later is standard for all workers, the former was just Todd Andrews briefly based on materials thepandaredd had available for said skit, i mean an eccentric habit or done for the purpose of the documentary-interview style that only happened in the first video

● only one villain has called the agency, and it was Killer Shark, which that is both his civillian- and villain-name. so idk if the workers call villains by their civillian or villain identity when talking directly to them (i also assume "Cassandra", who is a few bullet-points down but still within the Superb Prowers section, is not Todd Andrews calling Cassandra Cain (or any other DC character phoentically named "Cassandra/Kassandra/etc") by her first name, esp since thepandaredd likes to play Cassandra as nonverbal in skits and Todd Andrews was on the phone. but there is also ways to use live-captions and text-to-speech, along with Deaf/HOH and nonverbal web-cam/chat services to have a hotline person call for you and whatnot, but i assume that's not what is happening here, i digress. i assume it's just a random Cassandra, and workers don't call heroes by their civillian forename)

● Insurances:

↳ ● Flashpoint Insurance: for damages in alternate timelines

↳ ● offers 2 different Gotham plans. (1) The Batman Plan; the Batman Plan has a Reckless Robin extension (only covers current Robin/s. does not cover former Robins). (2) The Bat-Family Plan (assumedly covers former Robins)

↳ ● Crisis Coverage: is a little different from Flashpoint coverage (is not explained how lol)

↳ ● Green Arrow coverage

↳ ● Bird Insurance: coverage for bird-themed superheroes, not actual birds 

↳ ● Multi-Verse Insurance: "No, sir, if a alternate universe version of you has multi-verse insurance, it does mean you are also insured."

↳ ● has Home Insurance and Buisness Insurance ("Uh, let me check. Hey, boss, are lairs covered under home insurance or buisness insurance?")

↳ not a type of insurance but important questions that have implications about the place's insurance stuff: "Okay, well, answer me this: did Superman punch your wall or did he get flown through your wall as the result of a punch?" (later) "No, you see, you're covered for him punching your wall. Not being punched through your wall." ■ "How many times do I need to tell you, Cassandra? We stopped covering sky beams last year after the Zod attack." ■ "Did you get punched by a Robin or by a former Robin? 'Cause you have the Batman plan, and that only covers one of those." ■ "What do you mean the city is just gone? What does that mea--?!" ■ "Yes, but do you have proof your house was still there before Coast City was destroyed?" ■ "Can you confirm that it was a bat-arang that hit you?" ■ "Okay, but which Superboy? Yes, it's important!" ■ "Okay, but did you get the license plate number? I don't care if it was the Bat-Mobile! Yes or no?" ■ "Okay, but which color arrow were you attacked by? No, it is important, you only have Green Arrow coverage." ■ "M'am-- M'am! The premiums are lower in Iowa than Metropolis because it's Metropolis."

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★★★ VITRIOL VINDICATIONS: VILLAINS INSURANCE (DC only so far, created by thepandaredd. Marvel equivalent is "Damage Control")

● "Vitriol Vindications: verifying villainous violations, how may I help you?"

● is insurance coverage for supervillain (for damages done to them by superheroes) (does not cover Goon Union violation claims)

● is down the street from Superb Prowers: Superhero Insurance

● knows supervillains' civillian identities

● hotline workers can curse on the phone (eg. "I'm sorry, sir, but if you didn't want food poisoning then why in the hell did you eat a Joker Fish in the first place?")

↳ also, they can smoke while on the job

● confirmed workers: unnamed character (pronouns unknown). spoke with a gravely voice, assumedly from smoking as he smokes at work (what i assume is a cigarette anyway? or a cigar? it could also be a joint, i got no clue), and also an accent (im not good at identifying accents, idk from where exactly, it sounded vaguely the East Coast variety of American). appearance of said character includes a brown jacket with sherpa lining over a black shirt, had gray pants on. (my hc for name: Sol Abagnale. the Abagnale part is in reference after "Frank Abagnale Jr", a real life white-collar criminal who has a famous film as well as semi-famous musical under the title "Catch Me If You Can" (he also kind of inspired the show "White-Collar" in the sense of how the irl Abagnale became an expert consolutant helping catch other criminals. he has recorded lectures and everything, his analytical work is insane) where one of his most routine crimes was conning banks and insurance and whatnot, and also the IRS caught his dad (Frank Senior) who Junior learned a lot of his crimes from. feels fitting. the first name has to do with me kind of fudging the name "Saul" into a more unisex phonetic variant, "Sol" (which, according to BehindTheName.com, the Jewish version of "Sol" is masculine and the Spanish+Portugeese version of "Sol" is feminine, so "Sol" itself is unisex enough for me. though, technically Saul and Sol are not related, they do SOUND very similar which is the sticking point for me), in tribute to Saul Goodman of "Breaking Bad"/"Better Call Saul" fame who did a lot of insurance fraud as a lawyer. so my pitch is combining the name of two white-collar criminals, yeah, what can i say, i love intertextual references)

↳ appearance aspects about the worker mentioned above could also be notable here on whether or not if it is related to the company's dress-code, their employees' uniform, and whatnot

↳ workers wear a headset with microphone attachment. not wireless. they also have a swivel chair with arms.

● Insurances:

↳ ● Life insurance

↳ ● Anti-Life insurance: "M'am, I'm sorry but death by Parademons is nor covered under the Anti-Life insurance plan." (which? i assume?? is a censored version of a Death insurance plan? idk anything about insurance vocabularly terms)

↳ ● Discrimination in the workplace? (im surprised that isn't Goonion paperwork, idk) ("Well, if you didn't want discrimination in the workplace, then you shouldn't have been a goon for Gorilla Grodd.")

↳ ● the Two-Face Policy ("While I cannot exactly stop you from getting the Two-Face policy, I will warn you that coverage there is pretty 50/50." → "I'm sorry, I had to, it was right there.")

↳ not a type of insurance but important questions that have implications about the place's insurance stuff: "No, Mr. Cobblepot, you cannot put life insurance policy on your penguins if you are the ones who strapped bombs to them." ■ "What do you mean your contract is in the form of a riddle?"

↳ also not a type of insurance per sey but idk what this is but i feel like i should note it down: "Oh, no, you'd be surprised: the Joker actually offers an incredible dental plan."

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★★★ EVIL LLP: VILLIANOUS ACCOUNTING (DC only so far, created by thepandaredd. probably should have a Marvel equivalent or else also exist in Marvel, idk if such exists)

● "Evil LLP: villainous accounting, how may I help you?"

● calls supervillains both by their civillian names and their villain names, but WAY moreso calls them by their villain names

● fun fact: it is a fandom joke that the Joker does not mess with the IRS (thepandaredd theorizes it is because the Joker doesn't want to end up like Al Capone and get put in actual-"you can't plead insanity this time"-prison), so Joker would be diligent about tax season (and hate it) and contacting his accountant (and hate that too), neato

● people working the hotline can curse to the customers

● confirmed workers: unnamed character (pronouns unknown). said character's appearance includes having worn glasses as well as a maroon-purpleish button-up, long-sleeve and with gray pants. drinks out of a red, tall drinkwear (no lid, no straw, not a tumbler) which is an odd enough detail i thought i would mention it (maybe he works remote and it is their kitchenware? maybe the Evil LLP office just has that type of kitchenware? idk. i know its just thepandaredd's kitchenware and isn't meant to be scrutinized, but i am detail-oriented and have AuDHD, let me live). (hc name: Brooklyn Kennedy Collector. because i recenrly found out Collector is a real surname and that feels fitting for an accountant. also, i think "The Collector" is a kind of cool villain allias? maybe this accountant was a taxes-related villain before pivoting? idk, probably not, but what i do really like is the idea of experienced villains scaring newbies with boogeyman stories of "The Collector" and about not paying your taxes on time as a way of hazing them before their first appointment with this specific character from Evil LLP who is like "What? No? Turbotax is way scarier than me, the fuck". as for Brooklyn, it is unisex, literally means "broken land" which feels fitting for a neutral person many territorial villains go to, as in the literal "groundbreaking" ceremony. but also Brooklyn can lead to the nickname "Brookie" which i think would be funny for this character to be like "...Only my [insert loved one here. eg: signicant other, sibling, etc] can get away with calling me that" when villains inevitably make Brookie The Bookie jokes. and i usually don't add middle-names to my hc names bc i usually only do middle-names if the culture the character is from has a middle-name as part of its naming conventions. but i gave this hc name one because "Brooklyn Collector" does not sound quiet like a real person's name, to me. but if you told me i went to school with a "Brooklyn Kennedy Collector" then that sounds vaguely familar and id be like "Oh? Remind me who they are?" rather than "What? We did?" with disbelief in my tone. i did look up what the name Kennedy means tho, on my beloved BehindTheName search-engine, which means either "armored head" (cool!) or "mishappen head" (rude!) which i think encompasses the level of mixed sanity-and-insanity you have to have in order to be villain's accountant lol)

↳ appearance aspects about the worker mentioned above could also be notable in case it is related to the company's dress-code, their employees' uniform, and so on

↳ workers wears a headset with microphone attachment. not wireless. they also have a swivel chair with arms.

● tax account comments and questions since i know next to nothing of tax info and will likely need this as reference if i ever include this company: "Joker, I need your tax returns yesterday. What the fuck do you mean you haven't filed them?" ■ "Black Manta, it says here you have an expense for the League of Villainous Chimney Sweepers, what the fuc--" ■ "So let me make sure I am understanding this correctly. You are going to hire a bunch of people to hide trophies all throughout the city? With what fucking money, Nigma?" ■ "Penny-Pincher, if you pay me again by mailing me a literal bag of fucking pennies, I will find you." ■ "Joker, I just got a call from the Goonion that you haven't been paying your workers? ...No, not killing them is not a form of legal tender!" ■ "Wait a minute, you buy all the penguins? Who is selling you that many penguins?! I thought you just found them!" ■ "Wait, Bizzaro, do you have the check or not? I don't understand!" ■ "Well, don't come crying to me when VOSCA gets on your ass. Yes, I said 'VOSCA': Villainous OSCA, keep up!" (i assume this was a continuation of the last line to the Joker, it feels implied, but idk) ■ "How do none of you understand how money works?!"

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★★★ THE FIRST UNIVERSAL HENCHMAN'S UNION (aka: THE GOONION, or sometimes THE GOON UNION) (DC only so far, created by thepandaredd. probably should have a Marvel equivalent or else also exist in Marvel, idk if henchman union exists there of if the Goonion is implied to also be there) (i have shockingly little info on this considering how often it is brought up. huh. NOTE TO SELF: to rewatch some of thepandaredd's youtube compilation videos to see if im missing anything)

● Their motto: "Facere Malum Stercore Tuto" which is Latin for "Do bad shit safely"

↳ according to thepandaredd's merch: "Established in 2000"? i feel like that is a joke or reference i am missing, which makes me unsure of how literally to take it. i would've assumed it was older. i mean. i guess it technically could have been? like, in the sense that these guys are labeled the "First Universal Goonion" which implies maybe some villains had their own union of goons (definitely not Joker considering his implied VOSCA violations, above, under Evil LLP's section, still within the "Associations" heading) before it became a overall branching DC thing? which, if so, i do not envy the fuckers who had to unionize the Joker or Lexcorp goons, they probably did some union-busting, esp pre-2000 if that as the year the Goonion became universal in that sense, jfc. (edit of note: i have found the Todd The Goon Rep skit within the 2021 July compilation video, i am definitely correct about Lexcorp union-busting at least ■ edit of note ×2: i aM FULLY CORRECT. 2024 March 1st (or the compilation due to come out after March is over, since it is still March as of editing this docket) has a skit with Bill The Henchman doing work-trips with long flights for the Joker. and the Joker says "Hahaha, [The Goonion] is not a real thing!" and "Just to remind you, if I see you peddling that Goonion garbage all over that Comic-con, I swear to god, I will come to your house and rip those femurs out myself". so the Joker has dismissively resentful anti-Goonion opinions to the point that would imply he would love to union-bust/ignore it.) (or maybe "universal" is a reference to "cross-fandoms/brands"? because there is a Cobra Command, "G.I. Joe" joke pre-Bill-reboot (look at Bill The Henchman's section below, under the "People" heading)? which their most famous and long-running comic form is with Marvel Comics (though they also had a run with DC Comics for two individual issues, as well as Devil's Due, IDW Publishing, Custom Comics, and more). but, as aforementioned: idk how the reboot plays into that, and also idk how seriously i should take that since it was a gag for a one-off skit. idk...) (edit: wait, i forgot Marvel Comics also has The Solomon Institute For The Criminally Insane (also, and more popularly, known as: The Taskmaster's Academy), which is a trade-school where Anthony Masters (Taskmaster) teaches henchmen how to hench and get them a type of goon-certification as per the nature of trade-school. which, fun fact, the students there are called "Taskmaster's Acolytes", and originally this school started as a front? but then Taskmater went "actually, I have found my passion" which is aw, so sweet, wish it wasn't about murder and crime. but yeah, i checked the wiki because i couldn't remember if we ever saw anyone's certificate and, apparently, graduating meant you were now cleared for super-villany. so while youre there, you're a henchman. when you graduate, you're a villain. wild. though still not a henchman union, like, irl, we have both "places to get a teaching certification" and also a "union for teachers". this is just adjacent additional item to Marvel's henchmen situation, not an equivalent to the Goonion if that makes sense. so. uh, there is also that in the middle of this "is the Goonion omniuniversal?" spiral i am in, and that is Marvel-only as far as i am aware. still worth mentioning tho)

● there's possibly member-training? assumedly it is villain specific training, as you get hired then trained bc we have seen that before (evidence: (1) a skit within this compilation where a newbie was given the run-down working to the Joker about the dress-code and "just take the fall" if Batman/Robin come (Bill the Henchman was in the background, off-screen), and (2) another skit from this compilation where Bill The Henchman himself was translating the meanings to the various Bat-fam symbols to a newbie goon and the Red Hood interrupted) but maybe it is Goonion overall-villain's-henchman training, i have no clue. but in a skit (from 2021 October) where a Mr. Freeze goon (actually is the Red Hood faking being a goon the whole time? or knocked said goon out and took their place? unclear) was being given shit by Bill for not wearing a mask during COVID (more on the Goonion's opinion on COVID face-masks below in a few bullet-points) came back with a Cobra helmet that said goon (The Red Hood) had trouble taking off, Bill grumbled "How the fuck did you make it out of training?" before helping (could be referring to Cobra training or Goonion? again, idk)

↳ which there are Bat-fam symbol code btw, idk if that skit's code was for all goons or just that specific villain's workplace: Yellow circle = Bruce Wayne (Batman) is in a good mood, will probably let you keep knee-caps □ No yellow circle, just a black bat = you're probably going to lose a couple of bones from Batman (idk if that is accurate post Bill the Henchman's reboot. anyway.) ■ Any variation of a red bat, spikey or otherwise = don't bother screaming, gunshots will be heard and that is enough warning. Likely is Kate Kane (Batwoman) who does not have a no-gun rule. could also be Jason Todd (Red Hood) who also doesn't have a no-gun rule. also, sometimes the Red Hood has a red V-mask, and sometimes Red Hood's design is closer to a red bird design on his chest. ■ Blue bird or blue V-symbol = Dick Grayson (Nightwing) will give you a couple bruises and send you home ■ Yellow bat = probably be worried. □ Red hair (Barbara Gordon (Batgirl → Oracle)), probably going to get the shit kicked out of you, same as No-yellow-circle Batman. □ No hair and no mouth (Cassandra Cain (Batgirl → Orphan)), same rules as red bat, you will probably dead. □ Blonde hair (Stephanie Brown (Robin, Batgirl → Spoiler)), "you can kill that one". which. that is so foul, Jay Morton, what the fuck lol □ "[Generally,] The yellow bat follows the R-rule." ■ The R-rule = "Every single Robin has their own fucking deal." □ If the R is blocky = probably not going to get beat up too bad, unless the kid is very mad, then you might get thrown off a roof. (definitely Jason Todd (Robin → The Red Hood), maybe also Dick Grayson (Robin → Nightwing). i know Jason Todd threw a domestic abuser off a roof and claimed the guy "fell". idk if Dick ever did similar) □ if it is a Spikey R with no yellow circle = Tim Drake (Robin → Red Robin) get hit in the face with a metal pole a few times. same for if it is a Yellow Bird, Tim Drake (Red Robin) will just be hitting you harder □ if the R has just one spike = you will likely die bc Damian Wayne (Robin) has a sword. Red Hood also has a sword, but only sometimes, it's mainly Damian's thing ■ idk why i would ever need this for a fic or something but now i fucking got it just in case, i guess. glad that hypotheical-me won't have to search for this. but yeah, idk if this system is Goonion stuff or a specific villain or just something Gotham-henchmen set up independently, but ill put it here for lack of anywhere better

↳ Bill the Henchman said to Todd His Friend From High School that "it's a really rough career to get into, just to let you know. There's a ton of onboarding processes, super-villains all have their own hiring things, there's the Goonion that you got to sign up for just by obligation."

● Goonion buildings don't allow alcohol in their facilities (Bill took a break in one such building, an unnamed co-worker interupted his break and asked for a drink, and Bill said there was no alcohol here for that reason. idk how the logistics work on if villain buildings (or safehouses) have to be Goonion, if goons prefer to take breaks in a seperate Goonion building in which case does the commute count as part of their break, is this just the overall building similar to a temp agency building in which case why was Bill taking a break in one...? cool detail in theory, very confusing in application to someone as ignorant in temp-work as me). this was mentioned in the Man-Bat skit within 2021 November's compilation

↳ very likely works often with VOSCA (Villainous OSCA, was brought up in Evil LLP's section above, still under the "Associations" heading) ■ also has some sort of connection to Superb Prowers (section is above, still within the "Associations" heading) since their insurance covered Bill's loss of bones

● Works all over the country, sending goons on assignment as needed and where and with what uniforms and etc

● Mask mandates (for COVID) - report to the Goonion for not wearing one. even villain henchmen (esp if their villain is an evil scientist) gotta stay safe ✌️ (Bill the Henchman is esp big on that they protect each other in this way)

● Goons in the union get breaks (as in, like 30 min break, lunch break, etc)

● i assume there is some protection for long-distance assignments? like, Bill the Henchman (Bill's section is below, under the "People" heading) got sent on a 16-hour flight by the Joker to give Bane a pie and another flight to go to Comic-Con. i assume there was financial compensation (both in the sense of a wage increase for the inconvenience, as i know a few jobs get that (many more... don't, but hey, maybe the Goonion got it) because the idea of "your shift hours" also becomes messier though that is more likely if Bill is paid hourly; as well as not paying for your own plane ticket or Comic-con ticket in these examples) and other such work-travel-trips protections (evidentally, there is no protection for how much buffer-time between said trips there has to be, as Bill was sent to Comic-con immediately after the pie but still)

● confirmed members: Bill the Professional Henchman (look at Bill's section in "People" for his co-workers. i don't know which ones are in the union and which ones are out of union. he is very big on the Goonion and helping each other and whatnot, carries merch and everything, biggest advocate, love that for him) ■ Alex (pronouns unknown. was mentioned in Todd the Goonion Rep's skit as a confirmed Goonion member, working as a Bane henchman who is a victim of wage-theft and not-up-to-code company housing via pit/sewers. assumedly is not the same Alex that Ted works with (most of the info on this Ted section's can be found below, under the "People" heading. bc, yeah, for one thing, that Alex lives in a duplex and not in the pits/sewers). Alex wears a beige-white sleeveless torn up t-shirt with a black beanie. will not be getting their own section as this is all i know about Alex)

↳ note: members have ID badges (example of Bill's is in Bill The Henchman's character section)

● confirmed workers: Todd The Goonion Rep (look at that Todd's section down below, under "People". also, technically Todd's job-title is much more formal title of "Traveling Representative for the First Universal Henchmen's Union" but Goonion Rep is snappier); maybe/maybe not confused with Todd Andrews (section is below, under the "People" heading. where he works, Superb Powers, is above, under the "Associations" heading) and/or maybe/maybe not confused with the Todd that is Bill's friend from high school (below, under "People") because i guess all these Todds could be the same guy, but i assume they are not, but you can feel free to hc them as such

↳ Todd The Goonion Rep's outfit is in their section, which is notable here because it could arguably be following the company's dress-code, be their employees' uniform, and so on. assumedly, since members have ID badges, so should Todd The Goonion Rep, thepandaredd just hasn't had the prop yet? fair lmao

↳ not "competition" but definitely confirmed people to not be on the workers' side: Alan (who is a Lexcorp union-buster (lawyer?) person in sunglasses, black suit with black button-up and gold tie. pronouns unknown) ■ "Matches" Malone(?) (which is a DC-canon undercover-alter-ego of Bruce Wayne (Batman) when he wants to try to submerge himself in the crime world)

● their workers can curse on-call (eg. "Oh, yeah, to be perfectly candid: I hear some fucking wild stories.")

● their workers (and also their members? i think?? p sure that is a yes) tend to call villains by their villain-name rather than their civilian-name

● not technically "Goonion info" but is important stuff that have implications about how the place is run (all said in the Todd The Goonion Rep skit): "Riddler, how many times do I need to fucking tell you that: if you are going to use goons as part of your traps, you need to have multiple signed consent forms by both them, a witness, and yourself beforehand?" ■ "As the traveling representative of the Goonion, my job is to travel around the country, talking to various goons and henchmen of both major and minor super-villains, just to make sure they are being both treated fairly and safely within the workplace. Which, honestly, they, uh, they very rarely are." ■ Todd: "So, Alex, it says here that you are a Bane henchmen. However, I can't seem to find any wages listed. So, what does the pay for that look like?" / Alex: "Of course I don't have wages listed, we don't get paid. ...Wait, are we supposed to be getting paid?" / Todd: "Mmhm. I see. I also can't seem to find an address." / Alex: "Oh, I was thinking you were going to ask about that. We all kind of live communally in a pit, or sometimes the sewer." / Todd: "Do you know if this pit is up to code?" / Alex: "I mean, yeah, it's a fine pit. It's probably up to code. We get cable and everything. But, uh, now that you mention it: we do shit in buckets and live in cells, so I'm not particularly sure." / Todd: "Oh, that is definitely a violation of some kind." ■ Todd: "Who the fuck steals both of someone's femurs?" / Bill the Professional Henchmen: "Oh, yeah, you think that's bad? I should tell you about where his kid cut my fucking hand off." / Todd: "His kid did what?!" ■ "Y'know, contrary to popular belief: crime pays very, very well. Like, shit, what do you think, like, 90% of Gotham's economy is? It's just that often times you need to enforce that the workers are actually going to see the fruits of that labor." ■ Todd: "(Groaningly sighs) Hello, Alan." / Alan: "Hello, Todd." / Todd: "Let me guess, you're here on behalf of Lexcorp again to try to break up the union." / Alan: "Now, Todd, you know that we at Lexcorp are not against unions. We simply believe they are detrimental to our bottom-lin— uh, I mean, our overall workforce. And, in fact, I am actually here to join your union. For I think that I too deserve equal safety and pay and rights." / Todd: "Buddy, I work with professional criminals on a daily basis. I can see that you are wearing a wire." / Alan: "Now, how could you say such a... silly... thing? Abort, abort, I need to get out of here." / Todd: "If you just joined, you wouldn't have to piss in bottles anymore!" / Alan: "The official statement of Lexcorp is that we do not, in fact, have to do that!" ■ "If you would like to support your local community of contract criminals, goons, and henchmen: we do have t-shirts available. And, as the motto always says: do bad shit, safely." ■

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★★★ VILLAINS OF (HERO) SUPPORT GROUP (exists for DC and Marvel, created by thepandaredd. i definitely do not need to include this, but i thought it would be funnier if i did)

● there is one for Captain America (p safe to assume it is Steve Rogers' Captain America. Marvel) and one for Superman (p safe to assume it is Clark Kent's Superman. DC) so far. the therapist in charge of either is unnamed, but both have glasses and button-ups (tho the Superman one came in late after getting black-out drunk and taking a nap, and came in with a black t-shirt)

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----------------- people ----------------

★★★ TODD ANDREWS (DC Comics OC)

● unknown pronouns

● works hotline for the insurance company called Superb Prowers (listed above under "Associations"). spoke will Bill The Professional Henchman to help him with his insurance over the phone for his bone-loss claim

● appearance: wears glasses. Wore a white button-up long-sleeve in one video, wore a black t-shirt in one video, wore a black long-sleeve in a third video; every time had black pants(? or at least dark. may be sweatpants, which fair). Plays with a pen a lot (in one video, i think it is a capped pen; in another video it is, i think, a clicky pen which makes Todd slowly and silently clicks at one point while speaking/listening to a call. and i say "plays with" and what i mean is "has it in Todd's hand, between their fingers" a lot. i assumed Todd uses it like a fidget to spin or tap Todd's own chin with, but that is not seen; but Todd slowly + silently clicking the clicky variety is seen. this is too much overexplanation about a fucking pen)

↳ wears a headset with microphone attachment for work. not wireless. sits in a swivel chair with arms at work

● i assume this Todd Andrews is not the same Todd that Bill The Henchman went to high school with. (also, is definitely not the Tood The Goonion Rep) more on why i think that in Todd-(assumedly-not-Andrews)'s (as well as Todd-of-the-Goonion's) section below, is still within the "People" section

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★★★ "THE GUY" (DC Comics OC)

↳ as in "Alfred, call the guy"

● unknown name. confirmed to go by he/him pronouns

● adoption social worker agent, maybe insurance agent? probably, i assume. nothing is confirmed, which is the point

● no further specific details known. i will never make hcs about this character; he is supposed to be a mystery

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★★★ KEVIN (their first Marvel OC! that's rare for thepandaredd! yay!)

● unknown surname, unknown pronouns.

● was in exactly one skit about Marvel, which is unusual for thepandaredd, almost everybody else is a DC Comics OC

● designed the Sentinels' visually (The Sentinel Project are the giant robots who hunt mutants in X-Men). im ngl, i think thepandaredd forgot Bolivar Trask specifically already exists lol but maybe not, as thepandaredd did remember to include the headline "Trask Industries (mid 60s)" in the tiktok. hey! maybe Trask did the idea and/or engineering and hired Kevin as an artist, or maybe Trask pitched the idea after Kevin sold him on it and it's like a "Steve Jobs and all the unnamed workers who came up with the iPhone ideas" scenario (Kevin did at one point say "The President loved it", so Bolivar Trask could be President, sure), idk, i only know of Trask vaguely from the 90s "X-Men: The Animated Series" show i watched as a toddler and from the "X-Men: Days of Future Past" movie i watched a decade ago in theaters, maybe i'm the one forgetting shit, i dont pay attention to what is the generally accepted Bolivar Trask lore bc i dont care about the character, personally. Peter Dinklage is cool tho

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★★★ BILL (THE PROFESSIONAL HENCHMAN) (DC Comics OC)

info that is unknown bc of The Reboot Agent stuff (the video of which i am only linking once and it is here) is [[[ bracketed ]]] already but i will also make it [[[ green ]]] inside the brackets for your guys' convenience

● he/him, unknown surname. (hc full name: William "Bill" Bail. i have a whole scene planned for Bill attempting to be vulnerable by giving an OC of mine his surname as a sign of trust, as he doesn't do that as a way of protecting his relatives/identity from the villains that employ him, followed by my OC fully not believing his surname is real and busting Bill's chops about it. it works for my needs, and i personally dont agree with the handful of fans i see that hc his surname should be Hench or Henchman though i do love their energy, that is a v funny joke. i just wanted a different variety of a jokey surname. uh, but, yeah! Bail is a real surname, and the surname itself is actually a diminutive of "bailiff". as in the job. which a bailiff is a officer of the court who keeps order and "looks after prisoners" (ie. "A bailiff is a manager, overseer or custodian – a legal officer to whom some degree of authority or jurisdiction is given. Bailiffs are of various kinds and their offices and duties vary greatly.") which is all a vast simplification of bailiffs but i think it is a cute simplification for Bill's character specifically)

● confirmed to have worked runs with Joker, Two-Face, Black Mask, Penguin, Mr Freeze, Riddler (and also maybe Lex Luthor? it is implied due to how much Bill knows about Lexcorp working conditions, and also the Jimmy Olsen stuff as mentioned below)

↳ idk if this is still accurate post-reboot [[[ an unnamed co-worker worked at Cobra Commander (Cobra Headquarters in Springfield) earlier that week, is one of the places the Goonion sends people. Bill maybe has, maybe has not been there? idk, he seemed to know about how to take the helmet off but maybe Bill just saw the latch. hard to tell when the whole dialogue is "There's a latch" when he's already looking at the helmet. i assume no, Bill has not worked for Cobra, because he said "there's a latch" so late in the skit and also from what he said "Wait, so that's another villain's henchman?! That's even worse!" so he didn't know the uniform(?) which implies he didn't work there (which is odd bc he also said "Yes, because the Cobra Commander helmet is so much more reasonable to just have in your car?! Why do you even have that?!" so he recognized it. i guess he just thought it was cosplay instead of another henchman uniform, idk). you could make an argument either way, i guess, hc away lol ]]]

↳ answers phonecalls as "You got Bill."

↳ texts his bosses stuff like "On it, boss."/"Yes, sir. You got it, boss."/"On my way. Will do, boss."/"Yes, sir. On it, boss."/"Okay, boss. Be back soon." even though he'd rather yell (this is mainly @Joker)

↳ (this happened post-reboot) knows Jimmy Olsen well enough that Jimmy recognizes him on sight alone; meaning he has very fucking likely also worked for Metropolis villains (such as but not limited to Lex Luthor) and has faced Superman often

● appearance: generally always wears a black ball-cap hat (didn't use to way back but it is a thing by now), a necklace tucked into his shirt (i cant tell what his necklace is. is it a sparkplug necklace? → edit: NOPE. it's from 2022 January's PO Box Unboxing, it's "Skele-Gro: Bone Regenerator". it's a tube of amber-yellow liquid, with a pale yellow label, on a silver chain, with a silver skull-and-crossbones charm). he dresses in all black most of the time. generally wears t-shirts or long-sleeves, usually of the monochromatic variety (almost always a gray/black plain shirt with no graphic, except for in "How the Bat Boy treat henchmen" skit where he wore a few different shirts, and the skit with him and the 16 hour flight stuff where he wore thepandaredd's Lord Deathman merch shirt) (the red-gray henley Bill wore in his first ever tiktok appearance as the first goon ever beat up by a Robin? is generally ignored, hence the strike-through here). and sometimes wears a black jacket (which, generally, is a black denim jacket). does possess Goonion merch.

↳ optional-to-read waffling about the Skele-grow necklace: further confirmation of this indeed being necklace that Bill wears is in this 2022 July compilation, where Bill forgot to tuck his necklace into his shirt and you can see the amber-gold Skele-Grow bottle and the teeny skull-and-crossbones charm. more importantly, you can also see it in the September 2022 compilation, which is the one that features Bill getting shot by Alfred Pennyworth which then leads him into the reboot event in April 2023 compilation where he doesn't have a necklace? but that could be just a prop error (either in the sense "it is there, it just accidentally was hidden from the camera by being tucked into the shirt and whatnot" or in the sense that "it was forgotten on accident but was meant to be there"). plus the Instagram post mentioned a few bullet points down says Bill still has a necklace. i just dont know if it is the same one or not. i, personally, see the necklace as an extension or representation of Bill's connection with his audience and creator, and therefore connected to his Fourth Wall Breaks and everything Madoka-Magic-y i mention in a later bullet-point within Bill's section. so i will be very interested to see if this necklace is lost or not (to simplify his rebooted form additionally in the sense of less bone loss, maybe even no more Fourth Wall breaks? idk, maybe. the Agent Of The Reboot was Fourth Wall breaking a lot and Bill was confused, maybe it was out of overwhelmed panic but all those references went over Bill's head. there wasn't any "You can see them too?!" or anything. but who knows! could just be a prop error. maybe when the instagram post listed in lower bullet-point within this section talked about "a necklace always tucked into his shirt", it about the Skele-grow necklace, maybe it was about a wholly new necklace, whooo knowwwss ...i personally would like to know tho, so i do hope thepandaredd does another untucked-necklace Bill video so i can see if it Bill is still wearing a Skele-grow necklace or is it a new necklace)

↳ mid-reboot/post-reboot version has a white streak in his hair, confirmed in the tiktok Agent Reboot video itself idk the video's title

↳ in the Agent Reboot video, Bill also freaks out about how his hat has changed. which the hat he wore when Alfred Pennyworth shot him for breaking in to get Lord Deathman was a plain, all black baseball cap. and mid-reboot freak-out looks like an identically plain, all black baseball cap (to me, anyway). maybe that was a gag that went over my head. maybe it was a sentiment about how well-cared for Bill's things are that he would notice someone switching out his hat for an identical one like it. idk, to my inexperienced eye, it looks like the same hat lol

↳ optional aspect of appearance: leg-braces as "femur transplants are not fool-proof".

↳ note: most of this info comes from thepandaredd's 25 February 2024 instagram post (+ the leg-braces bit was posted by thepandaredd in that post's comment section) unless otherwise stated

↳ also, in the June 2022 compilation there is a PO Box Unboxing, an unnamed fan gave Bill his own Goonion badge. so that is also part of Bill's props assumedly. unlike most of the other badges we have seen in thepandaredd (vertical), the Goonion badge is the only horizontal one which makes me specifically happy bc i prefer horizontal badges. anyway. the info on it, i cannot read because it is too pixelated even at youtube's highest resolution at 2160p, alas. but thepandaredd reads out some of its info says the following: "His height has a little asterisk next to it saying his height was 6'3" before his femurs removed and now he is back to 6'1". Which is, oh my god, I love that. Also, his hair is just listed as 'Yes' and his eyes are listed as 'Currently two'; this is, this is fucking genius." so. there is that lmao i love the badge

● Injuries sustained:

↳ idk how much of this is still accurate post-reboot [[[ lost his bones before (eg. all the bones in his legs more than once. was covered by the Goonion tho. said bones are kept in a box on a bookshelf openly labeled "Spare Bones" apparently as uncovered when Bill broke into Wayne Manor to free Lord Deathman, though it is unconfirmed if Bill took any of the bones he had found and how many in the box were his or if the box was labeled that as a joke but actually contained something else). lost his femur x2 in one year, had to go in surgery both times. shot in both kneecaps by Red Hood. was put on fire "back in the early days" by Red Hood. generally been beat up by the Batfam weapons (eg. Tim Drake's bo-staff to Bill's legs). has been dropped off a roof by Batman (breaks legs, cops come get you). ]]] okay, instagram post by thepandaredd in 25 February 2024 confirms the femur replacements happened, as an optional thing Bill can wear is leg-braces since "femur transplants aren't fool-proof"

↳ idk if this is still true bc reboot [[[ note for age: Bill was The First Goon to ever get beat up by a 10 year-old Robin (assumedly Dick Grayson). i wouldnt be surprised if this was noncanonical because then it means Bill is a minimum of 6+, 8+ years older than 10 year-old Dick Grayson (Nightwing) (therefore making Bill 16, 18 years old when he was beat up, at minimum)? more likely is considered "an adult" in comparison to said Robin's then-age, so i'd go higher than 8 years older than a 10 year-old. idk how old Bill canonically is, but if it differs with that information then this would be noncanonical ]]] [[[ (also beat said Robin (again, safe to assume Dick Grayson) in second meeting, and Batman then beat Bill the fuck up and "did unspeakable things to my bones" so assumedly that was the first time Bill got his bones stolen) ]]]

↳ [[[ "Alfred, Get The Guy" and Other Probably-Non-Canonical Skits: has been "turned off" (stopped fucking existing for a sec). i seriously doubt that was ever canon for Bill, but the reboot happened so i assume the reboot doubly-so kills this ]]]

↳ idk if this counts bc reboot [[[ chronic issue: lost ability to feel temperature bc of fire (a Robin set him on fire? unclear which one, implied lots of time has passed so unlikely to be Damian Wayne) ]]]

↳ also a chronic issue: it's implied in one of the Lord Deathman videos (when Bill is going to break out Lord Deathman from the Wayne Manor as per Joker's request. the following occurs right before Bill texts the Joker) that Bill has tinnitus. i assume that is still true post-reboot because it is a small enough chronic injury, it makes sense, sure. but yeah, we hear the "ears ringing" sound during a scene where Bill has laid down to rest and relax before he looks at his phone

↳ can (sometimes? always? idk) speak Fourth Wall, likely because of a side-effect of how many times he has been hit in the head. i assume this still works in spite of the reboot, since Bill was able to, not only talk to the Reboot Agent, but very importantly: have the ability to have woken up mid-reboot. both of those things are likely related to this Fourth Wall Breaking ability. however, also, the Agent kept saying Fourth Wall breaks and Bill did not have a "You can see them too?!" reaction, but rather a very confused and overwhelmed panic reaction where he did not seem to get the references. so maybe he has now lost the ability. i have no idea

↳ my hc add-on as to why Bill was enabled to wake up mid-reboot: do you remember seeing just all of "Madoka Magica"? spoilers for that incoming (or you at least have seen Danny Motta's reaction series to it on youtube, assuming if you're like me and that show has triggers you don't want to risk potentially triggering yourself by watching the show but. like. you do want to know the events, impact, and pop-culture references) where Homura's love for Madoka to keep jumping into timelines to try to save her is singularly what ends up making Madoka the chosen one? because she was loved to that point? that even the universe took notice of her and claimed her as its prodigal child, because the universe reflects what we (in this cause: Homura specifically) puts into it? yeah, i hc that's Bill and this audience. that he just was likely some nameless goon, like a lot of thepandaredd OCs, but because fans (and thepandaredd) loved Bill so much, they took this throwaway skit character mid-overall-creation and gave Bill life where life was intended for him to be miscellaneous. hell, Bill even wears a Skele-Gro necklace from a fan in a PO Box Unboxing video that thepandaredd did a short skit mid-PO-Box-video of Bill receiving (at least i assume that is what he is wearing, he does keep it under his shirt). Bill became important enough to even be rebooted, much less wake up mid-reboot, because of how much he is loved. it's arguably why he has some on/off low-level Fourth Wall breaks too (we don't see that consistently be a thing for other goons). maybe im getting a little too Grant Morrison's "Animal Man" or, hell, even just fucking "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams. because Bill's plot is still overall (to steal a line from Jo O'Connor's "Mind Blind"* game tag-line:) "A Story Where You Are NOT The Chosen One!" in a world of Supermans and billionaires and other lucky and not-so-lucky bastards. but still. the love is there, and it is important; and maybe it doesn't make Bill's life better, but it matters that it is still there. but i digress [ *: and bc i fucking love that game, here is the link to the free demo version of Mind Blind. go to Jo's patreon if you want more after the demo]

● confirmed co-workers: idk bc reboot [[[ Scott (unknown pronouns. was beat up by Batman while Bill was "the first goon to be beat up by Robin"). that's all that is known about Scott, so Scott does not have an individual section. also, we never saw Scott, so we have no idea what Scott looks like ]]] ■ [[[ Ted (he/him pronouns. was name-dropped in "how the Bat Boys treat henchman" video. was thrown out of a 73-odd story building window by Man-Bat; is dead. that's all the info i have on Ted, so i won't give Ted his own OC section. we also have no idea what this Ted looks like, we never saw this Ted on-screen. the skit featuring him is in the November 2021 compilation) (edit: possibly/arguably more about Ted, post-reboot, is below. maybe could be same Ted character, maybe could be a totally different Ted. idk. but this Ted has their own section) ]]] ■ [[[ John (he/him pronouns. was probably never canon. but he was mentioned alongside Bill in a skit about an old goon complaining about younger people calling Terry by Batman in "Batman Beyond", where John was a goon that Batman smiled at and John is "still at Arkham to this day, he never recovered from that"). that's all that is known about John so no an individual section. also, we never saw John either so there are no notes about that either ]]] + a bunch of unnamed co-worker goons lol

● idk bc reboot [[[ had jury duty with Bruce Wayne. is meant to imply he was present for (and that this is based off of) the famous "Bruce admits he is Batman because of Jury Duty and everyone in the courtroom laughs" comic. said courtcase was about the unnamed goon Bill and Batman briefly interacted with that got shot in the crotch because said goon insisted on keeping a gun under their waistband ]]]

● calls his work "independent contractor" and "this freelance thing, working where I can" // when not hiding his job, has called himself a "hench for hire"

● lives at "Company housing" // does indeed live in Gotham, is occasionally shipped on assignment outside of Gotham by the Goonion per aforementioned implications (plus, explicitly has been sent out by his bosses. namely Joker, who once had Bill go on a 16 hour flight to send Bane a pie in-person that assumedly had a bomb in it as well as Joker having assigned Bill to attend Comic-con. (which was post-reboot, as a fun fact, so it definitely happened). but yeah, i assume the habit happens outside of that specific event in terms of both the Joker sending Bill out long-distances as well as other villains also sending him out to far-off places. just. for more grounded reasons than the Joker lol)

● idk bc reboot [[[ knows a Todd from high school (wore a wire for the G.C.P.D., pretended to be into henching), tho Todd never graduated. nonetheless, Todd does have a section below ]]] 

● idk if this counts bc reboot [[[ tried to become a cop (G.C.P.D.) with a fake mustache, under tha name "Will. Just Will", even though 60% of Gotham cops are dirty + the good ones (eg Commissioner Gordon) knew Joker had only just broken out of jail and assembled a crew. Comissioner Gordon has personally arrested Bill over 50 times, he immediately knew it was Bill ]]]

● idk bc reboot [[[ was shown where the Bat Cave was by Cassandra when she made him help her dispose of Lord Deathman's corpse Joker made bc she had "tiny hands". he used this information to later free Lord Deathman. i would bet Bill knowing this info did not survive the reboot but who knows ]]]

● Bill chooses to work for villains instead of Wayne Industries because he sees billionaire Bruce Wayne as a villain too; and, between the two, he'd rather work with the villain with style (aka: Batman villains). this admission technically happened pre-reboot but i assume it is still his opinion

● idk bc reboot but i assume yes, still true, but just in case [[[ Bill is anti-smoking. does not seem to like it even if it's people smoking around him, will get all Disappointed Yet Sassy on other goons smoking. i assume this goes for cigarettes, cigars, joints etc; but the skit only implied cigarettes ]]]

● i assume this still counts in spite of the reboot, but idk, ill make it green anyway just in case [[[ Bill doesn't have kids. and assumedly from the following dialogue line, he doesn't ever want kids. there is an implication that he could have had kids, and idk if that was an implication as in (1) a significant other and him had a talk and likely mutually agreed to an abortion, (2) he and a significant other broke up because they wanted kids and he did not (and assumedly said partner had kids p soon afterwards with, like, their very next partner or so, hence why there would be a "could have been me" sentiment), (3) Bill had the oppurtunity to take a kid/some kids in as their guardian but chose not to (eg. as a step-parent, as in kinship care or kinship adoption, as a foster care or a foster child wanting to become Bill's kid, or maybe Bill got close with a kid in a non-foster setting and said kid wanted Bill to foster them/to be their legal guardian, idk), or (4) Bill almost donated to a sperm bank but decided not (or maybe he did donate and checked off the "never contact me" box and considers that still "not having kids". i personally think "no" to this bc i find the sperm bank system in the USA really corruptable and un-regulated, and i don't like that sperm-donor-kids don't have access to their sperm donor's medical records even in cases of medical emergencies/genetic disabilities or chronic illnesses that skipped the sperm donor (or that the sperm donor didn't realize they had, since so much of the sperm donation process is the fucking honor system and sometimes people get late diagnosed and sometimes certain genes activate later in life for a random reason) but did not skip the sperm-donor-kid/etc). in the Lord Deathman skit where Bill and Cassandra Cain (Oracle) bag up Lord Deathman. after she asks him for help carrying the bags, he grumbles "You have got to be fucking kidding me. You are the exact reason why I didn't have kids." before saying "I'll grab my coat!" with frustration. and, yes, all of this theorizing is because the verb-usage "didn't", as in "I could have had kids but I did not" (rather than using a line like "You're the reason I never want kids", where the diction would not have backstory implications), is very interesting to me lmao ]]]

↳ i personally have the hc that, as a connection of Bill's Fourth Wall breaks, similar to how the Joker knows he is in a comic and that the people he kills do not matter ("They're extras" to quote Bakugou), Bill knows he is in a comic and doesn't see much point in having kids. i also personally tie this in with his "Wayne Industries/Bruce Wayne is also a villain" belief in the sense that Bill either still has memories or else has unconscious premonitions from having been a nameless background character in "Bruce Wayne reconstruction stories that show how unstable Bruce/Batman is as a hero" comic stories. like. what is the point of having kids in that kind of enviroment where they could be Superman's "The Man Who Has Everything"-ified and you get rebooted and forced to forget/"forget" your own kids? then the verb usage of "didn't" could be "why I didn't have kids in this timeline". maybe he remembers or has vague premonitions abiut being a dad before (and maybe Bill didn't like being a dad? idk). i think it brings a new touch to his exhaustion in (the Lord Deathman video when Alfred Pennyworth shot him which featured) that scene of him having tinnitus, where he is just tired and sad and needs a break from all this

● i assume this still counts in spite of the reboot, but idk, ill make it green anyway just in case [[[ Bill can read ASL (American Sign Language), we know bc Cassandra Cain (Oracle. thepandaredd plays Cassandra as nonverbal) signed to him in the Lord Deathman skit where they bag up Lord Deathman and she makes him carry the bags because she signs to him "Help me. Tiny hands." ]]]

● i like what i said about Bill, comparing him to Mitchell Mayo in Mitchell Mayo (Condiment King)'s section below (bc i do kind of see thepandaredd's re-imagining of Mitchell as an OC. section is below, still under "People"), so i'm taking the hc-analysis and copy-pasting it here: (i kind of like the hc i have of Mitchell Mayo still being in the Goonion, but is a polar opposite to Bill The Henchman. doesn't connect with new goons or really guide them, Bill is kind of implied to be a bit of a mentor/big brother considering a few goons are excited to show him what they did (eg. the Jimmy Olsen kidnapping skit goon) or when he mother-hens the goon-that-once-worked-at-Cobra-HQ or the goon-with-a-gun-in-waistband, and also the hypothetical-"Batman Beyond"-elder-goon even says "Bless his soul" in talking about Bill. compare that with how Butch Moreti treats Mitchell Mayo. admittingly, Butch was acting under frustrating circumstances, but still. i think Mitchell Mayo is just a "big goon in a small pond" who is seasoned at his goon-work as a helluva scary pseudo-mercenary (one even civillians can immediately recognize), whereas Bill is a seasoned goon that isn't a renowned merc but is still really good at his job and also blends in easy with crowds (bc nobody knows who he is). like. Mitchell Mayo is kind of the asshole "truly evil" guy that Bill could have been, y'know?)

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[[[ ★★★ TODD ??? ]]] (this one is Bill's high school classmate. DC Comics OC)

idk if this Todd exists because of the whole reboot thing (look at Bill The Henchman section under "People" + The Agent of the Reboot section under "Associations"), but sure

● unknown pronouns. unknown surname (hc full name: (bc i don't think he is Todd Andrews) my headcanon for Todd's surname is Turk. if you go to TV Tropes' page on "The Informant" trope, under the "Comic Books" section, you will read about a brief paragraph Marvel character named Turk who was an informant for Marvel vigilantees. and it's obvious in said paragraph why Marvel doesn't use him anymore lmao rip poor Turk to better differentiate this Todd from Todd Andrews, i also hc that Todd is a nickname for "Theodore" so it is slightly easier on my brain to differntiate all these "Todd"s lmao according to BehindTheName, "Theodore" just means "gift of god" which is sweet yet nonspecific. and its sister-site, Surname.BehindTheName,com said the surname "Turk" meant exactly what is on the tin, it means "Turk". fair. but, yeah, so my hc for this character's full name is Theodore "Todd" Turk. neato, alliteration, yay lmao)

● appearance: wore a black crewneck t-shirt and a wire for the G.C.P.D. also, has recieved a free Goonion black t-shirt from Bill to implement possibly into Todd's wardrobe

↳ as a bonus, the skit this Todd was in featured an G.C.P.D. Dispatch officer of an unknown name and unknown pronouns that wore glasses and a black crewneck t-shirt, and sat a a computer. there you go for anybody who wanted to ensure continuity with Todd and this unnamed G.C.P.D. connection

● idk if this still counts bc reboot [[[ was Bill The Henchman's classmate in high school. tho Todd never graduated high school ]]] more about Bill is above, albeit still under the "People" section

● idk if this still counts bc reboot [[[ wore a wire for the G.C.P.D., pretended to be looking into henching. idk if that means Todd works for the G.C.P.D. and was briefly undercover for this, or if Todd was asked to take a wire for a bit (by the G.C.P.D.) as a civillian. regardless, got a Goonion t-shirt from Bill ]]]

● assumedly not the Todd Andrews from Superb Powers (Todd Andrews' section is somewhere above, under "People". the Superb Powers is above even that, under "Associations") or Todd The Goonion Rep (said Todd is below, still within the "People" section. the Goonion is above, under "Associations") as this Todd does not wear glasses and i think you need to have finished high school to be an accountant? maybe they are the same and Todd got a GED after, i have no idea, hc to your heart's extent, maybe Todd Andrews' glasses are just for blue-light, maybe Todd the Goonion Rep wears fake glasses, or maybe this Todd wears contacts who knows

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★★★ TODD (this one is the Goonion rep. DC Comics OC)

↳ technically, i have been calling this Todd by the wrong title kind of this whole time but i had to, i had to do it for the communicative clarity of consistency. because Todd's actual title is only colloquially "a Goonion Rep." as Todd's actual title is "Traveling Representative for the First Universal Henchman's Union". again, this is usually shortened colloquially to "Goonion Rep" but you get it, you get why i didn't call him that every time in the past, Goonion Rep is snappier and there's getting to quickly be too many Todds lmao

● unknown surname. unknown pronouns. (hc full name: Thaddeus "Todd" Malloy. and, with that, i have p much run out of things "Todd" can be short for. luckily, Thaddeus kind of fits a union rep, as BehindTheName.com says it likely derived from the meaning "heart". that's cute. and esp for a Goonion rep, as BehindTheName also says "In the Gospel of Matthew, Thaddaeus is listed as one of the twelve apostles, though elsewhere in the New Testament his name is omitted and Jude's [aka another form of Judas' name, apparently] appears instead. It is likely that the two names refer to the same person". and im not nor have i ever been a Christian but goons and Judas assumedly fit together? yeah? i hope? anyway, i picked the surname Malloy because of the 1954 movie "On The Waterfront" which is about unions, mobs, and an ex-prize-fighter named Teddy Malloy. you can see the connection. i haven't seen it in so many years, i apologize if it is a bad movie to connect to, the plot-summary i read seemed fine enough and my chronic memory loss-riddled ass remembers if fondly enough even tho i was like... seven lol. but, i digress. i should also note that according to Surname.BehindTheName.com Malloy also has connections to both "noble, proud leader" and "faithful servant". huh! even more fitting!)

● appearance: wears glasses. wears a white button-up and a black tie

● works at The First Universal Henchman's Union, aka The Goonion (more on that organization above, under the "Associations" section)

● this is p safe to assume not the Todd Andrews from Superb Powers (Todd Andrews' section is somewhere above, under "People". the Superb Powers section is above even that, under the "Associations" heading) or the Todd That is Bill's High School Friend (said Todd is above, though still within the "People" section. the Goonion is above even that too, under "Associations"). i explained in Todd That Is Bill's High School Friend's section some of why they might be different, might be the same, it's all up the hc, but im p confident they are all different characters all given the forename Todd, okay? okay lmao

● (@/thepandaredd, if you ever read this: i know you love Jason Todd, Jason is also my favorite in the Batfam (after Alfred, obviously, but you get it), and you have this many different Todd OCs is so fucking funny but also im begging you for other names in-between my laughs, please no more Todds lmao) [/tone clarity: this is me complaining as a bit. do what you want, it's your tiktok and your OCs. im just joshing. ill be fine if you do more Todds. much love to you and yours ♡]

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★★★ DR. AARON MICHAELS (DC Comics OC)

● he/him pronouns

● Therapist at Akrham Asylum

↳ replacing an assumedly male (had he/him pronouns if nothing else) therapist that Joker seduced, much like the Joker also had done with Harley Quinn; they found out because the guy had downloaded videos on his desktop that were explict and graohic about clowns. he was fired and Dr. Aaron Michaels was hired

● calls patients by their civillian names (important contrast with Dr. Morton below, is also under the "People" section)

● appearance: wears glasses. in his first video, Dr. Aaron Michaels wore a red long-sleeve button-up with a gray vest and matching gray pants. in Dr. Aaron Michael's second and third video, he wore a red long-sleeve button-up with a gray wool suit jacket. generally has folders/binders/notes, with said folder/binder being darkly colored (black? gray? very dark blue? i cant tell). also has an Arkham ID badge (the card is verticle as a fun fact) that he wears on his suit jacket's breast pocket

● has to make a semi-regular video log ("to mak[e] sure I don't have any 'impure thoughts about the inmates'" which he doesn't like that wording for his patients but you pick and choose your battles)

● Works down the hall from Dr. Morton (is below, is also under the "People" section)

● Transferred from Seattle (doesn't have prior knowledge of patients, instead sits down with them totally blind and whatnot). for those unaware, that is in Washington, USA

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★★★ DR. MORTON (DC Comics OC)

● he/him. Unknown forename (i know in his first video that Dr. Morton showed his Arkham badge to camera but i cannot read it so idk if it said his forename. but i like being a nerd about names+meanings; so, despite the fact that it is quite likely he does have a first name already, because it is illegible to me, im giving him a hc forename: very tempting to jokingly pick "Jay" because thepandaredd is Jay Morton, but that's low-hanging fruit, so i digress my pick is Victor, after Victor Frankenstein of "Frankenstein" fame. tho, like, Victor barely counts as a doctor, he's more of a hack insisting he counts, but he practices alchemy which even his classmates say is super-outdated and not a real science. im getting off track. my "BUT"-point here is that i associate them together because Victor Frankenstein sees the Creature, arguably his own son (i def see the Creature as his son, Victor literally created the Creature, but i digress) but is definitely a patient of his if nothing else, as a monster immediately upon the uncanny-valley-motherfucker daring to actually move &&& Dr Morton calls his patients exclusively by their villain-names so far as of 2024 March, implying he does see his patients as monstrous due to their actions or at least sees their villain identities as superseding their original civillian names, which is a really cool contrasting point between him and Dr. Aaron Michaels. i wonder if that's something they argue about but are still friends in spite of, if that sticking point of difference stops them from being friends, etc)

● Level 2 Medical Officer at Arkham Asylum. also called "A physician", is specifically a "General Care physician for all the supervillians housed at the asylum"

↳ 8 years medical school, minor is psychology

● Calls patients by their villain names (important contrast with Dr. Aaron Michaels, above, still under the "People" section. i have analysis about this character choice in my "hc for Dr Morton's forename" right up a few points)

● appearance: he wears glasses. in his first video, Dr. Morton wore red scrubs (or what i assume are supposed to be scrubs? idk, im not a scrubs expert) with a black longer-sleeved shirt underneath and black pants. Dr. Morton also wears what i assume is a scrub-cap, and it is black with skull-and-crossbones on it. in his second video, Dr. Morton wore a white labcoat on top of his scrubs, but otherwise dressed the same. also, he has an Arkham ID badge (fun fact: the card is vertical) that he wore as a lanyard around his neck

↳ hc: i think Dr. Morton stops wearing his ID around his neck. it's a common enough thing that patients will attempt to strangle their doctors in general clinics (much less around dangerously violent patients, like in Arkham Asylum) that doctors (1) dont wear stethoscopes around their neck anymore as a rule, or anything around their neck that could be used to choke them; (2) dont generally wear lanyards and, if they do, it is a break-away lanyard; and (3) instead of lanyards will wear a badge-holder-clip (often a retractable one for convenience) on their top somewhere (ive seen it clipped on their scrub-shirt's neck, their shirt breast pocket, and the hem of the shirt. i once saw it on the hem of their sleeve. i do not know if there is protocol about this beyond "above the waist", this is just based on observations and none of the odder ones are recent. i usually see breast pocket the most). which means someone probably tried to choke out Dr. Morton, and idk who would be the most likely candidate, but regardless it probably doesn't help Dr. Morton see his patients positively enough to use their civillian-names over their villain-names

↳ another hc: which, like. speaking of, i dont think Dr. Morton using villain-names over character-names is bad. it is part of the patients identity and probably the part they recognize the most (since v rarely are any remorseful for their actions). it shows Dr. Morton sees them for their (current) actions, rather than seeing them for their humanity out of his own perception of the world. saying that, i still disagree with the decision for a multitude of reasons, but it's a cool character detail and i wont go off in a tangent about this, this is already enough lol

● Works down the hall from Dr. Aaron Michaels (whose section is above, still under the "People" section)

● Listed treatments:

↳ Eyedrops many times a week for Two-Face's eye to not be a raisin

↳ Splinting Penguin's nose

↳ Has never seen Clayface shit

↳ Repairing "the grill" of Joker

↳ Trying to convince the Joker that wiping his ass does not, and can not, make the Joker gay (suspects the Joker is attracted Batman nonetheless)

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★★★ BUTCH MORETI (DC Comics OC)

technically, this character kind of doesn't exist. as the character was just in a draft version of the "Make Condiment King Scary" tiktok, and not in the finalized video. but i am ignoring that

↳ idk if "Butch" was the character's forename or nickname, but i assume it is the forename (but you can hc it as a nickname if you want)

● Pronouns unknown

● Worked with Mitchell Mayo (Condiment King, canon character but re-imagined rendition is below, still listed under "People" section) died because of Mitchell due to Mitchel poisoning a dollop of ketchup (that Butch ate with fries from Big Belly Burger, one of Butch's favorite places to eat)

↳ died in a safe-house, after ripping off Falconé

↳ Mitchell Mayo was sent by Falconé to kill Moreti -- "Falconé sends his regards, Butch"

● appearance: was dressed in all black, with a black leather jacket (no lapel, had fake-motorcycle-padding-shoulder-pockets if you squint. this in contrast to Mitchell Mayo (Condiment King)'s leather jacket which did have a lapel), with a black t-shirt, black pants, etc.

● Butch was irritable (makes sense, after ripping off Falconé and finding someone in the safehouse) and waved a gun around for intimidation

● i hc both Butch Moreti and Mitchell Mayo (Condiment King) were/are Goonion members and co-workers of Bill The Henchman (more on Bill above, still under the "People" section). i love Mitchell Mayo (Condiment King) as what thepandaredd wrote him as now, i refuse to see him any other way after the "Make Condiment King Scary" video lol ■ more on thepandaredd's re-imagining of Mitchell Mayo (The Condiment King) below, still under the "People" section

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★★★ MITCHELL MAYO (CONDIMENT KING) (DC Comics)

technically, shouldn't be here bc he is a canon DC comics character already. but i like thepandaredd's re-imagining enough to have made notes and consider him a bit of an OC of panda's

● assumed, he/him pronouns due to canon and masculine self-references (eg. a guy, a man, King, etc)

● hates the title "Condiment King", does not like to be called that and will tell you. the press gave it to him after a murder Mitchell comitted (more below under "Confirmed murders")

↳ "So patronizing. Like, I'm trying to make some some grand-standing with what I do, I'm not. I'm not."

↳ "Everybody in Gotham has got a gimmick."

↳ "See, my problem isn't with the name itself. It's with what the insult that is implied. People think that what I do is silly. But I'm gonna ask you something. If the ketchup was too tangy, would you stop eating it? Or if your hot wings tingled your throat in a way you didn't expect, would you all of a sudden stop? See, the thing is, apart from taking a shit: eating is when people are at their most vulnerable. I ask you: do you know what poison tastes like? Are you sure?"

● appearance: wears a green beanie with a pompom (reference to character's pickle hat in comics. (fun behind-the-scenes fact: the hat in question in the tiktok is a backwards "Friends" beanie. Mitchell's is assumedly not that. but it is what thepandaredd could find at the time)). wears all black otherwise, including a black leather jacket (with a lapel), a black t-shirt, black pants, etc (note: when killing the unnamed guy a few bullet points below, was wearing a "new sky blue suit" that got stains all over it from fighting said guy in a kitchen and getting tossed around. assumedly had to throw it away after, but who knows, maybe it got cleaned)

↳ very recognizable. Ted (below, still under "People" section) recognized Mitchell Mayo on sight, despite being a Gotham transplant who'd only been there for three months

● personality is generally laid-back? a bit of an "under the surface" type of control-freak? is kind of quiet, lets people make assumptions that benefit Mitchell Mayo. keeps calm while others fly off the handle. will get a bit loud and growly when angry, letting it slip for half a phrase or so, before laughing it off and continuing like he isn't annoyed/pissed off. smiles and laughs creepily at the idea of murdering people; no guilt, no shame, enjoys it. very much recommend watching both the draft and final versions of "Make Condiment King Scary" that thepandaredd made

● likes to eat french fries (in the draft version of "Make Condiment King Scary", Mitchell eats the fries without ketchup as said ketchup is poisoned for Butch Moreti to eat. in this version, the fries are from Big Belly Burger ■ in the final version of the video, Mitchell does eat his fries with ketchup) ■ according to Ted's second "Living in Gotham" video (Ted's section is below, still under the "People" header. Ted called Mitchell Mayo exclusively by "the Condiment King" which i assume did not help Ted's case), Mitchell got so mad at Ted for dissing the Bat Burger (+Joker Fries) that Ted had to hide in the bathroom of an abandoned building as Mitchell Mayo pounded on the bathroom door saying, "I know you're in there! I know you're in there! Open the door!". so i assume the Bat Burger is Mitchell Mayo's favorite and that he is the "No, you misunderstand. I'm not willing to die on this hill, I'm willing to kill you on it." type in regards to food-opinions

● drinks A&W rootbeer? i think?? idk what that can is of otherwise (in final version of "Make Condiment King Scary")

● worked with Falconé as "a goon" ("another grunt off the street"; kind of implies Goonion likely wasn't a thing yet back then? but who knows, Goonion doesn't seem relatively new, so Mitchell Mayo probably was a member when he started. edit: nah, according to the Goonion merch, it was "established 2000", so yeah, it is relatively new, nvm) ("Hands up, fucker, Falconé sends his regards"), implied to not being doing that anymore

↳ when with Butch Moerti (section above, still under "People"), is implied to still be peers. so still henchmen. Butch patronizes Mitchell, sees Mitchell as below Butch, and Mitchell allows Butch to underestimate him as it benefits Mitchell in the end

↳ i hc both Butch Moreti and Mitchell Mayo (Condiment King) were/are Goonion members and co-workers of Bill The Henchman (more on Bill above, still under the "People" section). i love Mitchell Mayo (Condiment King) as what thepandaredd wrote him as now, i refuse to see him any other way after the "Make Condiment King Scary" video lol

↳ implied to be a mercenary now? idk if this version is a supervillain (i kind of like the hc i have of Mitchell Mayo still being in the Goonion, but is a polar opposite to Bill The Henchman. doesn't connect with new goons or really guide them, Bill is kind of implied to be a bit of a mentor/big brother considering a few goons are excited to show him what they did (eg. the Jimmy Olsen kidnapping skit goon) or when he mother-hens the goon-that-once-worked-at-Cobra-HQ or the goon-with-a-gun-in-waistband, and also the hypothetical-"Batman Beyond"-elder-goon even says "Bless his soul" in talking about Bill. compare that with how Butch Moreti treats Mitchell Mayo. admittingly, Butch was acting under frustrating circumstances, but still. i think Mitchell Mayo is just a "big goon in a small pond" who is seasoned at his goon-work as a helluva scary pseudo-mercenary (one even civillians can immediately recognize), whereas Bill is a seasoned goon that isn't a renowned merc but is still really good at his job and also blends in easy with crowds (bc nobody knows who he is). like. Mitchell Mayo is kind of the asshole "truly evil" guy that Bill could have been, y'know?)

● Confirmed murders: (within thepandaredd re-imagining canon)

↳ manipulated Butch Moreti (section above, still under "People") via using Big Belly Burger fries (Butch Moreti's favorite. "Man, you know that's my shit") and poisoning a dollop of ketchup that had been untouched on a paper plate -- arguably non-canonical bc Butch only exists in a drafted version of "Make The Condiment King Scary" and not the final version, but im ignoring that ■ well, actually, i guess Butch kind of is also in the final version as there is some unseen person cough-choking to the end, assumedly poisoned. that could be Butch. or a reference to Butch. who knows lol

↳ (the following is a bastardized summary of the "Make Condiment King Scary" final video; please go watch it) Mitchell killed an unnamed guy in a pot of hot sauce (technically, "extra hot sauce", still on the stove ■ "You know, when you drown, they say your lungs feel like they're on fire. Can you imagine what that's like with capsaicin added to the mix?" (this line is only in the draft version) ■ "Did you know that it only takes three pounds of ground up chillis, consumed in one sitting, to kill a man? Purely from the capsaicin. Well, I'll tell you what, he figured out what it's like to inhale that shit."). drowned the unnamed guy in a pot of it. it is how Mitchell Mayo got the nickname "Condiment King" from the press. ■ event in further detail: Mitchell was sent by Falconé bc a resteraunt "racket" he had been running (slang definition: "an illegal or dishonest scheme for obtaining money". i assume that means the place was a front for money laundering? that the "owner" went "no, fuck you, i actually like doing this"? that's kinda sweet. or maybe Falconé was doing "pay me for protection (from me)" thing, idk, that's less sweet but still admirable lol) had itself an owner who decided not to pay, "So I was sent to relieve him of his station". Mitchell let the guy finish up his meal, followed the owner into the back, stuck a gun in his face. but the guy was a black belt in karate, kicked gun out of Mitchell's hand, fought and tossed Mitchell around, then Mitchell held the unnamed guy's head in that pot of hot sauce "until the fucking bubbles stopped coming up". therefore, Mitchell Mayo killed a guy with hot sauce in a suit covered in condiments got the nickname "Condiment King"

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★★★ REGGIE BENSON (his second Marvel OC! yay!)

● unknown pronouns. (he/him implied via "dude" and "guy" diction? but idk, i use those gender neutrally myself)

● appearance: wears a red and a blueish-gray flannel with a black sherpa lining that is a zip-up jacket; ontop of a plain pale-red t-shirt. as a prop, Reggie often carries around an iPad (assumedly to draw on, write notes, and record audio with. i hc Reggie uses the Notability app a fuck ton, because that lets you record audio while you write notes which is great for lectures/interviews. Notability is a bit hard to draw with in my exp, but not the worst; plus you can switch apps easy. idk how well it works for Zoom/Facetime/online interviews, but in-person ones? esp pre-Wolverine-interview? Reggie probably used Notability a shitton. iPad is a very good prop pick for Reggie to have), said iPad seems to have a pale-gray case. Reggie also has a prosthetic leg (assumedly his right (the viewer's left) leg from how he looked down?)

↳ "How did I get [my prosthetic leg]? I, uh, mighy have asked Wolverine how he shaves? Listen, I'm just saying-- I know legal said don't talk about it, they asked, I want to tell them-- if a nuke gets dropped on a guy, and he comes back with perfectly shaved mutton-chops, I don't think it's unreasonable to know how he shaves his freaking moustache, okay?!" ("I, uh, I have been informed by legal team over at Marvel that I, I, I, uh, should stop talking about the Wolverine interview on camera. So, uh, can you just, tch, cut that, please?")

● works at Marvel Comics' Marvel Comics (bc Marvel Comics legitimately decided "let's put our comic company inside our comic-universe, selling comics about the heroes the universe has. like a graphic novel version of the news, except it is 'fictional stories with grains of truth' somehow", sure). thepandaredd explains this oddity a bit better over in the July 2022 compilation (which, for clarity, Reggie's introductory skits are over in the August 2022 compilation)

↳ Reggie's official position at the company is: "Earth 616 Reporter (Mutant Division) Marvel™️ Comics". Reggie just says "I'm a reporter for Marvel Comics" and that "Personally, a lot of the stories that I cover are a lot of mutant and mutant-related things." ■ they still say "Excelsior"/"'celsior" at fictional-Marvel, that's cool

↳ it can probably be safely assumed Stan Lee and Jack Kirby and whatnot still are still alive? since they were, at one point, in the comics? but idk if they are in the skit-world-of-thepandaredd. but they might be Reggie's co-workers?

↳ Reggie explains their job as a mixture of the news section and "the funny pages" section of a newspaper. it's reporting news, put in some graphics, and add "drama and spice to keep things fresh". ■ Marvel Comics (the fictional company) does try to be unbiased and also get "all the perspectives possible" (eg. the villains' pov). says that "Some people that rhe public has labeled as super-villains aren't really that bad of people to talk to. Others, (note: Reggie is clearly thinking of Mojo, more in a lower bullet-point) uhm [i cut out the heavy stuttering], some of the opinions are deserved." ■ Reggie sees himself as "I like to think of myself as their voice. I get to get their side of the story out to the people, y'know?"

↳ for work, Reggie has met with: Paste Pot Pete (no label within the skit. civillian identity: Peter Petruski. is sometimes also called The Trapster, but not in these skits lol) ■ Mojo (the skit labels Mojo as "Mojo. Media Tycoon. Professionally Gross. Entrepreneur. Owner: WatchMojo". Mojo is both his villain and civillian name. his alien species is called the Spineless Ones. in one specific comic-run, "Ultimate X-Men", he is a human named Mojo Adams, but i digress. Reggie gets general-canon-alien-Mojo, who terrifies/disgusts Reggie to the point that Reggie screams, even on video-call/Facetime) ■ Wolverine (the skit labels Wolverine as "Logan Howlett. Mutant. 'The Wolverine™️'. Avengers, X-Men, X-Force, History Teacher." Wolverine hates Reggie: he says "fuck that guy" and thinks Reggie is a total asshole) ■ Charles Xavier (the skit labels Charles as "Charles Xavier. Headmaster. Mutant. Xavier's School for Gifted Youngesters™️. Nobel Prize Winner". when asked about Reggie, Charles began by saying Reggie is "a fine young chap" until he was told this was off the record, to which Charles said "Oh, the dude's a prick.") ■ Namoor (Zoom interview. has fried the "complimentary iPad we gave him by going underwater" before, hope that doesn't happen again. is mentioned in skit, but not shown, so no label)

↳ i personally feel it is important to add Reggie will snort-laugh at some things the people they interview say, and Reggie will cover it up with a lie that the sound they made was "allergies"/that it is "allergy season"

↳ my hc: i think the Paste Pot-Pie interview was pre-Wolverine, and Reggie does all his interviews over Facetime/Zoom since losing his leg post-Wolverine interview? maybe legal over at Marvel advised it

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★★★ ARNOLD (a third Marvel OC! very little info tho)

● unknown surname. unknown pronouns. (hc: i googled Marvel's version of State University to confirm if Arnold was an OC or not, and i couldn'find anything to say he is canon so i assume OC. i know very little Fantastic Four lore. anyway, i see it says there is a dean already there-- which is to be expected, and universities can have multiple deans-- but that same dean does not have a forename. so i am hc'ing slapping Arnold onto this dean whose entire wiki says he just "welcome[d] Reed Richards when he arrived with the the Fantastic Four at State U to deliver a lecture", the end. so, my hc name is Dean Arnold Mencken, or just Arnold Mencken when he is not a dean, i guess. also, i looked what the surname means on my beloved search-engine of Surnames.BehindTheName because i LOVE name-meanings and intertextual references and whatnot-- and nothing came up. so i tried google, and a site called "Forebears.io" that i am unsure about entirely trusting says that it is a variant spelling of the surname Menken (which BehindTheName also had nothing on) and both means "One who lived in a monastery" which sounds fitting and i kind of have an "i don't know enough about this to say you're right or wrong, and i don't like that" opinion about. but eh. the character's surname was already decided. it's whatever, it's just a hc. if you want to see the fandom-wiki pages on Dean [No forename] Mencken, the one listing him as staff from State U is here and his own page is over here)

↳ insists students call him by just "Arnold" when they try to call him "Dean". Victor Von Doom compromises, somewhat, and switches from "Dean" to "Dean Arnold"

● is a dean at State University in New York (which, yes, is a real university). was dean at the time Reed Richards and Victor Von Doom were students

● appearance: wears glasses and a plain black t-shirt in the skit

● is in just the one skit from the 2023 Oct./Nov. compilation, unlikely to appear again but who knows!

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★★★ PROFESSOR FINGER (DC Comics OC)

↳ is actually a spoof on "Bill Finger", who worked on Batman comics. more below under Professor Kane's section (below, still under "People")

● he/him pronouns. unknown forename. (hc forename: Duval. after Marie Duval, the primary creator of "Ally Sloper" which was a then-famous Victorian comic strip to which her husband (Charles Ross) stole all the credit and was heralded as a comic genius for almost 150 years. only in the past few years, thanks to a comics historian named David Kunzle, has Marie Duval been given her full share of credit for what was ultimately her comic. but yeah, i checked if Duval is a forename and i found tons of people with it as their forename so hell yeah)

● appearance: unknown, Prof Finger was never shown on-screen

● switched mid-skit between calling him an "English teacher" and a "Philosophy teacher". (maybe he's English specialized in Philosophy, like ive had English college classes require we read "On The Consolation of Philosophy" by Boethius before) more likely, Finger is English and Jason Todd mispoke when he said "Philosophy"

● is a Professor at Tim Drake's school, and Tim is in his class; Jason Todd took his class, was implied to have taken it years ago. was called "Professor Finger" (note: not "Dr. Finger", this OC assumedly does not have a doctorate. which, it is fairly common for English profs to have up to a Masters, then its a toss-up if they stopped there or also got a PhD so that checks out. main reason i mention it is bc i kept making a typo the first time i wrote this section up calling him "Dr. Finger" and that isn't accurate, he was never called that in the skit, idk why i kept making the same typo).

↳ the phrasing of "Professor" leads me to assume this is university (idk how private schools work and if they have students call anybody "Professor") which Jason Todd i don't think is confirmed to go to university? (Jason Todd hc: i think he should go. i am very much Team Jason Todd The English Professor Or English (Public? or Gotham Academy?) High School Teacher (probably more likely public bc i can see Jason Todd wanting to reach out to disadvantaged youth at public schools moreso than help deliquent rich kids on principle. but i can also see him going "i dont want to hang out with teenagers who don't want to participate in discussions; i'm gonna teach on college campuses" bc he deserves students who are interested in his class, his life has been hard enough, let him have passionate students and, unfortunately, college English students are more likely passionate about the material than high school English students, idk what to tell you). but im also Team Jason Todd Takes College Classes (Mostly English) For Fun With No Intent Of A Degree tho. either or) and the only college Tim went to that i am aware of is Ivy University in Ivy Town. however, i think it is more likely both Jason Todd and Tim Drake are both taking college classes (or "has taken" in Jason Todd's case since it's implied he went Finger's class years ago, idk if he is implied to still attending or not rn, before was just my hc) at Gotham University in Gotham City, that feels like the most convenient place for them to both go. however, it would also make sense for this to be a reference to Gotham Academy (in which case Tim Drake is in high school and Jason Todd has since left), but again, idk if private schools ask students to call their teachers by "Professor". im probably overthinking this

● obsessed with Batman

↳ keeps having students every semester write a paper on the philosophy of Batman to the point that Jason Todd thinks "he should have a book of those by now"

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★★★ PROFESSOR KANE (DC Comics OC)

↳ is actually a spoof on "Bob Kane", who worked on the Batman comics 

↳ (if you want to read up on why Bill Finger and Bob Kane are being discussed like this, this article goes over a good amount of introductory information (https://boldentrance.com/how-bob-kane-stole-batman-from-bill-finger/) and i also recommend this reddit thread to get a bit more of a window into the DC Comics fandom dialogue about it (https://www.reddit.com/r/batman/s/sf8P8hgBxv). but yeah, there's better resources if you want to know more in-depth stuff, i just picked the most accessible, quick-to-read, starter stuff) thepandaredd has also done a few videos on Bill Finger and Bob Kane, but i can't find them even though i know they exist (edit: found them (on accident), it's within their "DC Comics Discussions 3" youtube video). but this is just thepandaredd doing a "Wouldn't it be nice?" alternate reality where the students protected Finger and ousted Kane for trying to steal Finger's job, the actions dictated here did not happen in real life. it's just a nod to the irl drama via the names involved (and also maybe the enough "psychology/philosophy of Batman" stuff to make a book is a reference that Finger kept a continuity book of all Batman and Batman-associated-characters/places he came up with so as to minimize continuity errors. i am not aware of Finger having ever written a "Psychology/Philosophy of Batman" book or anything similar for that topic ad nauseam, again, as far as i am aware, that's just a popular point of pop culture analysis to the point that even i have written a paper on it for college), it is not a summary of said drama

● he/him. unknown forename. (hc forename: Ross. after Charles Ross, of the "Ally Sloper" fame, who famously took all the credit that his wife, Marie Duval did to making this Victorian comic strip an icon of its time)

● appearance: unknown, Prof Kane is never seen on-screen

● "Professor Kane tried to steal [Professor Finger's] job last year, but everyone kind of ousted him"

↳ "Oh, gross, Professor Kane? That dude's a dick."

↳ "Yeah, that's what everyone else said."

↳ assumedly, since Tim Drake doesn't have his own opinion of Kane voiced (just "that's what everyone else said"), though Professor Kane is at Tim's school, Tim has not interacted with him one-on-one or had his class (my assumption would be Tim is avoiding Kane's classes since everyone keeps talking shit. why willingly take a teacher you know might make your life hellish for a semester? i do that with RateMyProfessor all the time). in contrast, Jason Todd likely has taken a class by Professor Kane considering his wording (which makes additional sense when you realize Jason Todd is unlikely to use the internet or features like RateMyProfessor due to him having grown up without much day-to-day/non-Batman-and-Robin tech before the Lazarus Pit. probably isn't a habit for him to look profs up); but it's also likely Jason just came to his own conclusions firmly after hearing enough rumors/second-hand stories about it, that does also fit Jason's personality

↳ "ousted" implies Professor Kane no longer works at that campus. but who knows, maybe

● (note: same as Professor Finger's section above, still under the "People" section— this guy is not "Dr. Kane", this OC assumedly does not have a doctorate. which, we don't know what kind of subject this Kane OC is a professor of. but, considering he tried to steal Professor Finger's job, i think it's safe to assume Kane is also an English professor. it is fairly common for English profs to have up to a Masters, then its a toss-up if they stopped there or also got a PhD so that checks out.)

● i'm not re-writing my notes on "is this guy a Professor at a university (Ivy University? Gotham University?) or at Goth Academy (high school)?" so look above in Professor Finger's section (above, still under "People") for my waffling on about that

● i'm guessing on the spelling of Professor Kane's surname based on phoentics + "Kane" is how Bob Kane spelled his surname (same goes for "Finger" except i don't think there is any other way to spell "Finger"(?), unlike Kane/Cain/Kain/Cane/Kayne/Cayne/Caine/Kaine/Caigne/Kaigne/etc, you get the idea). i assume Professor Kane is unrelated to the DC Comics Kane (fictional) family/families (eg. one family is Katherine "Kate" Kane (Batwoman), Mary Elizabeth "Bette" Kane (Hawkfire), and Jacob Kane. another Kane family is the father-son duo Jesse Kane and David Kane (Black Manta; though i think it's more popular for Black Manta's civillian surname to be Hyde in-comics), from the live-action "Aquaman" movie series. and another is Cassandra Cain (Oracle; in some other universes, her surname is Wu-San though) and her father, David Cain; though that one is if i assumed incorrectly about how to spell Professor Kane's surname. and so on, im sure there's others with a variant of this surname. a lot of people in the DC Comic workspace used the surname as either a Biblical reference, which is not that important to what i am discussing here, or in tribute to Bob Kane before everyone knew about how much work should actually be attributed to Bill Finger) but yeah, hc to your heart's content if you want Professor Kane to be related to someone. just because there is no evidence of confirmation does not, in this case, mean there is any evidence of contradiction either. (hc: like i prefer Jacob Kane to be a good guy, bc Katherine "Kate" Kane (Batwoman) deserves a decent dad. but i know in the "Gotham Knights" game (idk if this is true anywhere else), Jacob Kane is a member of The Court Of Owls, specifically "The Voice of the Court". i think the Waynes/Kanes having a connection to the Court makes sense. i think it's kinda off to have everyone in the Wayne/Kanes be good, and all other rich families in Gotham have at least one bad egg in The Court of Owls; i think the Wayne/Kanes should be included as part of that corrupted mess, just, probably someone outside of the Batfam and their immediate relatives. id be perfectly happy having Professor Kane be in the Wayne/Kane family as the representative associated with The Court Of Owls in Jacob Kane's place. maybe he can be Jacob Kane's crotchety old uncle or someone in the family closer to Kate's age, but someone who they are all but officially estranged from. hence, no idea he/their family was involved in the Court. if you prefer drama tho, i don't think anybody really knows anything about Bette Kane's dad except that he's dead? maybe he came back, idk, basically all the Robins have died and came back. or maybe she has a brother, idk, i prefer my "distant family" pitch more personally. but also then i kinda wonder why Professor Finger isn't dead via a Talon getting assigned to kill him, so i also don't believe my own hc pitch. it is the most likely option that Professor Kane could just be an unrelated, miscellaneously benign but dickish Kane lol anyway, i digress)

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★★★ TED (the Gotham transplant. DC Comics OC)

● unknown pronouns. unknown surname. (hc surname: Icarian. meaning i hc this character's name to be Ted Icarian. which "Icarian" is the adjective/noun form referencing the Ancient Greek lore character called "Icarus". most famous for wearing his dad's wax wings, flying too close to the sun, and falling to his death with a moral about arrogance, the sublime, and human error. which, y'know, is poetic because im hc'ing this as "uncorrupted Ted that has never been/has yet to become a goon" (more on that in a bullet-point below), ergo, "before the fall" morally and before Bill's-version-pre-reboot-of-Ted's fall from Wayne Towers ~73 stories high to his death from Man-Bat. so it is also a pun. also, as a brief self-note: applying the Hozier song titled "Icarian (I, Carrion)" to this intrepretation of Ted is fitting poetically and also funny in a dark-humor way. edit: Ted's life is going downhill fast between the first and second videos, and i feel like i accidentally condemned Ted with this surname lmao Ted, i'm so sorry)

↳ the following does involve hc, but also does analyze possible connections between "this Ted" and "the Ted mentioned within Bill The Henchmen's Confirmed Co-Workers section of Bill's whole bit above (yet still under the "People" heading)": i like to headcanon this is the same Ted who is/was Bill The Henchman's late coworker. since Ted-The-Coworker was established pre-Reboot Agent, this could either be a prequel to Ted dying from the Man-Bat (which btw the skit of that is linked here) or could be Ted in a rebooted alternate life. i like to assume the latter, because i think that'd be hilariously trippy for Bill to see his coworker still alive post-reboot but tragic that this Ted doesn't likely know who Bill is lol but also all of this, either way, makes the Henchman LinkedIn joke a few bullet-points down extra (bittersweet) fucking funny

● appearance: wears all black. first video included a black t-shirt and a black denim jacket. second video included a black scarf with a black-white-and-gray long-sleeve top.

● has a 4-door car. idk anything about cars. but has shot these videos, generally, in said car. so that is one of Ted's habits as an influencer → and now that car is where Ted sleeps, oh dear (at least is sleeping with a neck pillow? idk any silver lining here)

● now lives in Gotham (Batman's territory, which is in the East Coast and most traditionally is in pseudo-New Jersey), but is a transplant from Coast City (for context, Coast City's most famous protector is Hal Jordan (Green Lantern) if that helps you. it's in pseudo-California). lives in an apartment in Gotham → oh, god. uh, Ted no longer lives in an apartment in Gotham. Ted is now unhomed, now living in their car. their apartment was burned down into the shape of a giant smiley-face and there was a fireproof-paper note on "where my bed once used to be" that said: "Disrespect my Joker Fries again, bitch, and it won't just be the house". so. assumedly Ted's home was burned down by the Joker

↳ has lived in Gotham City "for 3 months". if you want to apply reality's timeline to the skit, hen he has been living in Gotham for 3 months from the point of recording the tiktok on 25 March 2024 (aka: 25 January 2024-ish is around when Ted moved to Gotham?)

● two jobs. job (1) is as an influencer, makes tiktoks (eg. "Top 5 Facts About Gotham City (from a Coast City transplant)" type videos. doing social media seems to be a side hustle or just for fun? each video has the top margin say "GOTHAM FYP" or "GOTHAM CITY FYP" so far (which i know is a fun trend people do and that's part of advertising that "hello, the following is comments about a fictional city; this a trend, i am a nerd (/tone indicator: affectionate); please do not think this is a real place (or that im stupid, as sometimes comic nerd get v patronizing in the comments. (eg. 'uh? op didn't know Harvey Dent was Two-Face? fake DC fan much' like? my comrade, it is a trend, it is a GAG, of course op knew, they did a skit playing as a character that's a Gotham civillian who wouldn't know that, oh my god, that's the BIT))", but also my not-tech-savvy ass assumes a part of it is also supposed to be a gag about the search-bar? and the idea is that the viewer is either watching Gotham City content within the DC-universe or, more likely, also lives in Gotham(?). idk. but yeah because [insert real city] fyp content doesn't ever have that "[CITY] FYP" stuff at the top that ive seen, but they do always have the search bar always filled in. usually with more "[real city] fyp" items, most generally it will be just "[city] fyp" but also sometimes the search bar says stuff like "[city] fyp to eat", "[city] fyp tips", etc as i watch the tiktok video VS. if i watch "Gotham FYP" content, my personal 50/50 experience on if my search-bar will give me more "Gotham FYP" content in my search bar or if it will be something else DC Comics adjacent, like a new movie. however, after saying all of that: i think i maybe went into an overthinking spiral again, ignore me if that is the case) summary content of video below in case application of Gotham Fun Facts is desired)

↳ does not think the Bat Burger lives up to the hype. thinks Joker Fries are not that good. prefers Big Belly Burger (same favorite resteraunt as Butch Moreti, another thepandaredd OC, above yet still under the "People" section). will still eat Bat Burger tho

↳ "Gang territory, here? Gerrymandered to fuck". have to change colors of outfit to keep safe

↳ Halloween is outlawed in Gotham (in part bc of copyright laws). even trick-or-treating is illegal

↳ Henchman jobs are available on Linked In. applying puts you on a watchlist for the GCPD but still

↳ Gothamites are both exaggerating about the crime rates here and not. Gotham has more than the usual number of villains but the crime is less of a disturbance than expected, in spite of how "in Coast City, we're used to, like, one intergalactic threat showing up every couple of months" VS "It is like almost every other fucking week here [in Gotham]"

↳ Ted got a Welcome Package when Ted first moved in. package contained: "a safety straw you use to drink out of fucking lakes, a gas-mask, [and] a gun"

↳ "The second the sun dips behind the horizon, the sky turns red. No, I'm not joking. Night-time doesn't exist. There are demon hours and that is when the sky is fucking red!" also, both Ted and i are chemically unsure how that works

↳ there are police blimps to patrol Gotham City from the sky. "I saw a dude jay-walk at, like, 2 in the morning; and, all of a sudden, a flood-light came out of the goddamn sky!" which Ted admits, despite having lived where Green Lantern "used to be" (is that verb-usage related to the Superb Prowers insurance question about Coast City being gone now? is Green Lantern also gone? idk), Green Lantern did not get Ted used to this kind of shit at all (fair)

↳ despite there being "like 10 million people living here", "more than half" of the buildings here are of abandoned buildings and all of them were former businesses (hc/theory: Ted, those were probably the results of fronts for money-laundering, and they they had to shut the place down in order to avoid the cops. and also poverty, making a honest business as a newbie entrepreneur with no familial pre-established networking is very hard, i imagine, esp with all the "pay my gang for protection (from our gang)" stuff. that doesn't help) ■ yet Ted found a way into a (working?) bathroom in one such building, admittingly under duress (Mitchell Mayo (Condiment King) was chasing him) ■ "half the residential buildings are abandoned apartment complexes"

↳ Ted finds Robin (assumedly Damian Wayne; "a 12 year-old running around with a sword") is "scarier than you would think". not necessrily that Robin is scarier than Batman, but that not enough people warn you about Robin. plus the fact that said Robin has "two brothers" where "one of them is fucking packing heat and the other is just going to fucking beat you to death with a billy-club!" (okay so, that is assumedly Jason Todd (Red Hood) and Tim Drake (Red Robin). makes sense, since Dick Grayson is largely looking over Bludhaven, he would not be present, and Duke Thomas (Signal) is largely working day-hours. Ted is not going to be happy to find out that there are more than just those two tho) ■ "the Robins" went after Ted for loitering? bc Ted was trying to find a place to sleep, homeless, in their car?? "Loitering is a big thing here" (hc: i don't like the idea of the Batfam caring about loitering (which is v racially charged "crime"), much less pestering the homeless?? especially Jason, who im p sure did sleep on the street at some point. but i can accept the idea that they saw unfamiliar plates on the car and wanted to check out "who the hell is driving this slow (looking for where to sleep) at 2AM from Coast City?" and pulled out the random loitering as an empty excuse (reality: was checking this dude wasn't a runaway robber from Coast City, looking for a place to break-into, mostly to hide-out and maybe rob; and then realized the truth about Ted's situation). i can also accept them gently being involved in the homeless' lives so as to better protect them, remember them, break the ice, and just (again: gently) hazing new people. i like the idea of Ted seeing a couple comments from other unhoused people explaining that "getting to know you" method. just messing with Ted while they got down some details to look a bit more into Ted (eg. Damian memorizing Ted's license plate while Time distracts Ted might lead the trio to an article explaining how Ted lost that apartment) and see if they can get Ted off the street without being so obvious as to dish out hand-outs since some people have really negative reactions to those despite the good intentions. idk. it was just a gag, but one that greatly confused me so now i am spinning it and righting it in my head lmao)

↳ the G.C.P.D. police have to be at every single graduation from college. because, and this happens so often, that someone gets their doctorate and right then and there decides to commit their first act of super-villainy at the ceremony. part of me wonders how Ted learned that, what graduation did Ted attend or did Ted hear about it from others? idk

● second job: unknown. assumed to be Ted's day-job or main occupation (with social-media as a side thing).

↳ has co-worker there named Alex (confirmed he/him pronouns. Alex's duplex is split between Penguin territory and Two-Face territory. "has to change colors if he wants to go to the bathroom". Alex does not get his own section because this is all the info i got on him ■ though i will also say there is another Alex, likely unrelated for reasons listed in the other section, in The First Universal Henchmen's Union section's "confirmed members" listing, above, and said section is all under the overall "Associations" heading)

● Ted's Enemies, i guess (hopefully just temporarily): Joker (pissed off due to Ted dissing the Joker Fries; burned down Ted's apartment and left a threatening fireproof note) ■ Mitchell Mayo (Condiment King) (was also pissed off by Ted's food opinions, though Mitchell's was implied to moreso be about the Bat Burger; chased Ted into an abandoned building's bathroom and pounded on the door of said bathroom while yelling at Ted) ■ i assume there will be more

● (@/thepandaredd, if you're reading this, i know i said i have hcs but i truly do not actually care if this Ted and the previous dead-Ted are two different Teds, the same Ted but a prequel version, the same Ted but now rebooted into an alternate life... all i ask, is that Ted is not the next "Todd". it would be so fucking funny if you made a third Ted (even funnier if this one was Tedd, with two "D"s, but that is nOT TO GIVE YOU IDEAS), but i am also begging you between laughs once again to please consider not making more DC OCs named Ted. that is so close spelling-wise to "Todd". please. and thank you for coming to my TED Talk (ba-da-tish)) [/tone clarity: this is me complaining as a bit. do what you want, it's your tiktok and your OCs. im just joshing. ill be fine if you do more Todds and Teds. much love to you and yours ♡]

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★★★ THE REGRETTABLES RE-IMAGINING PITCHES (exactly what it sounds like. not quite an OC, but fuck it)

★ you could also argue "Daniel Dyce (#711)" of "Regrettable Superheroes" is a pitch of an OC of thepandaredd (specifically, thepandaredd pitched for him to become a gag villain in Gotham who keeps breaking out of Arkham). which, uh, i do also have notes on. but i will not be sharing within this post because a lot of it is "me myself brainstorming a re-imagining of this character" which feels too tangiental to put here in "thepandaredd's original characters and associations" post. and, yeah, you would have assumed thepandaredd would have further re-imagining pitches of some of the "Regrettables" but these were the rare ones i could find and i am p confident i've watched all the videos in that series bc i was looking for exactly these kind of notes. all the rest were "Regrettable, don't bring them back" or "Not regrettable, bring them back (with said opinion not including a pitch for their re-imagining. at most just a vague 'as a gag'. anything more than that and i will attach them to this/my thepanndaredd's OC list)".

↳ but yeah, that was from a two-parter tiktok from 8 June 2023 (or thepandaredd's 2023 June Monthly compilation video, either or). i'm generally gping to keep these summaries short bc their pitches are short. but thepandaredd's pitch for Daniel Dyce is to have him come back as an Arkham Asylum patient who keeps breaking out of his room #711, and is a gag. Daniel is just delusional, keeps fighting the Batman and Bat-kids while thinking they are the villain Brick-Bat and that Dyce is a hero (read: Dyce is not a hero in his re-imagining, that is his altered reality he thinks he is living. he fails spectacularly every time he tries heroics). alternatively, it could be the Riddler putting on a Batman cowl to fuck with Dyce and make Dyce think Batman is bad (similar as to Hush), taking advantage of Dyce to throw in Batman's way. it is implied that Dyce does belong in Arkham and was not a case of Damon and Pythias* gone wrong, that was just another delusion in thepandaredd's re-imagining. but yeah, just a one-shot gag villain

↳ *: as a fun-fact the nerd in me wants to mention: Daniel Dyce's shtick with his best buddy in terms of the prison-swapping is actually an intertextual reference to the Ancient Greek lore story of Damon and Pythias (except Damon and Pythias was about Pythias being on death row (the version i know is Pythias being framed by King Dionysus I "for trying to kill King Dioynsus I". bc. King Dionysus I wanted to get rid of Pythias. for. reasons that i forget that i think were political), and Damon volunteers to be Pythias' placeholder (and be executed in Pythias' place if Pythias never returns) so Pythias can settle some affairs back home himself and ensure his family is taken care of before he comes back to be executed. then, in the original story, the whole time Damon volunteers and waits and waits and waits, everyone says "Damon, dude, Pythias is totally not going to come back, you're gonna die in his place, i'm so sorry, there is no way he is going to come back" but Damon has faith and then Pythias does come back (and was almost too late, like Damon's head was on the chopping block awaiting the blade, because Pythias got thrown overboard his own ship by pirates and swam as fast as he could to get back on the path so Damon wouldn't die, which is fucking wild, but i digress). and King Dioynsus I is so touched by the sheer Pythagorean Friendship moral ideal these two are that he pardons Pythias! so now both he and Damon get to live, yaayyyy!! and, as a bonus fact, the most popular recent re-telling of this in contemporary times is Dreamsworks' "Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas", which is an animated pirate movie, ain't that neat. and, hey, while i got you here, you should watch Breadsword's "Sinbad and The Death of Pirate Cinema" on youtube because all of Breadsword's video-essays are poetic and make me wanna cry). uh, except if you have seen the two-parter thepandaredd made about Daniel Dyce (or somehow read Daniel Dyce's comic yourself), you'll know that's not how shit went down for Daniel Dyce, he did not get that happy ending lmao rip

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★ next one is "Tony Trent (The Face)". again, i have notes about running with this pitch. not included here bc it's Very Much Me which is tangential for a thepandaredd OC listicle and im already pushing the envelope with my hc additions i couldn't bring myself to delete for the public version. so here we go. this one has a pitch way more minimal than Daniel Dyce (#711) right above, but still got more than just "as a gag" so here we are lol (plus, there is no intertextual reference i am recognizing and wanna be a nerd about. sooooo...) thankfully tho, this will be shorter

↳ video is in the May 2023 compilation. is p just putting a Halloween mask on and scaring people.all because he, as a radio announcer and part-time news anchor, got so disheartened and angry by what he had to read everyday, that he just had to become a night-time vigilante. he is like a private-eye pulp detective, "he's like Batman but shitty". "No gadgets, no superpowers, no supervillains, no continuous enemies". thepandaredd's re-imagining pitch is to keep all of that and just, as a parody gag, have this guy show up in Gotham to make a difference and have everyone be like "No, dude, we fight Batman? Who the fuck are you?". because, as thepandaredd so eloquently said "He's just a guy!" that's it lmao rip

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the end, until i update this (if i ever do)

[sparklepool101]

Burgers and Fires

[ Welcome to the CotC fic I finished at 12:40 something am last night because the new episode made me emotional lmao. Spoilers for Craig to the Future below! ]

:readmore:

“Thank you Herkleton! That was the last song of tonight. Exits are located in the back, along with our merch stands wink wink. Have a safe trip home and a rocking night!”

The crowd cheered one last time, before turning and heading back to the lobby, right where Craig was waiting. Kit nudged his arm.

“Alright, last wave of sales.” She said.

“Yep,” Craig said, staring at the doors. Omar and JP had just entered the lobby, laughing together. Kelsey and Stacks were nowhere to be seen.

“I can handle these guys, you go on.” Kit said. Craig jumped a bit before looking back at her. He took in her sideways smile and felt his brow furrow.

“Are you sure? The crowd is bound to be bigger now--”

“Come on Craig, I know you’ve been antsy all night. Go ask them to hang out or something, I can handle the crowd.”

“All right, if you’re sure…” Craig His chest felt like it was full of ants as he approached the duo. It had ended so awkwardly before the concert, but he couldn’t let this chance slip away. Their group had been steadily growing apart since JP entered high school, and he missed his friends so much.

Craig bit the bullet and called out to them. “Hey, JP! Omar!” The two turned their heads.

“Hey, Craig!” JP said, walking over to meet him. “Man, did you see Katie’s trick up there?”

“Nah, I was back at the merch stand.”

“Why?” Omar asked, slinging his arm around JP’s shoulder. “Are they paying ya’?”

“Oh, kind of? David actually commissioned me to make the T-shirts over there and he asked if I’d help man the stand as well.” Craig rubbed the back of his neck.

“Dude really? That’s sick!” Omar said, face lighting up.

“Aw come here!” JP pulled Craig into a hug. “I’m so proud of you man! I’ve definitely gotta buy one now. Babe, you still have my wallet?”

“Right here.” Omar tossed the small leather wallet over to JP, who caught it in one hand.

“Be right back!” JP rushed into the crowd gathered around the stand, leaving Craig and Omar alone,

A few beats of silence passed before Craig gathered up the courage to talk. “So, you guys doing anything after this?”

“Mmm probably just hanging out nearby, maybe grab a bite to eat, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Moment of truth. “You want to come with me to get some burgers?”

“I’m down for that.” Omar smiled. “It’s been way too long since we’ve hung out.” Craig smiled back and put his hands in his pockets. They chatted a bit more while waiting for JP to come back, mostly about teachers at school.

“Oh yeah, no Mrs. Denadio was the worst. One time, she assigned a whole project and only gave us two days to work on it.”

“No. Don’t tell me that’s the final project she’s been talking about all semester.”

“Good luck, man.”

“Hey, guys!” JP called as he ran over, wearing the t-shirt over his sweater. “What do y’all think?” He posed a bit, showing off the shirt.

“As handsome as always, babe. Craig wanted to go grab some food with us, you down for that?”

“Oh absolutely! Let’s go celebrate your first step on the road to fame.

It was odd how easily they fell back into a familiar pattern of banter. (But not at all unwelcome.) Craig felt like he was ten again, walking alongside two of his best friends as they chatted. It just stung remembering that there was only one redhead with them now.

The burger place’s ‘open 24-hours’ sign glowed a neon blue onto the trio’s faces. JP held the door open for the other two as they entered the building. It smelled like over-salted fries and grilled meat, with just a few people sitting at tables.

“Welcome, what can I get you three?” The cashier looked like they wanted to be anywhere else, especially with the huge eye bags they had.

“I’ll have a cheeseburger with fries and a chocolate shake,” Craig said.

“And add two number three combos to that,” Omar said, pulling out his wallet.

“I can pay for my stuff,” Craig said.

“No way man, I’ll cover tonight.” Omar winked at him and passed a card over to the cashier.

“Thanks.”

“Alright, here’s your receipt. We’ll get the food out in a bit.” The trio stepped back from the register. JP leaned against a pillar while Omar grabbed their cups and went to the soda fountain. Pulling out his phone to text his parents, Craig shot a quick message to the family group chat telling them where he was.

An electronic bell signified that the front door had opened again, and Craig looked up. Kelsey and Stacks walk in hand in hand, Kelsey was rambling about something while Stacks watched her with adoring eyes. Craig felt his heart seize for a moment. The last time he had talked to Kelsey, like really talked to her, was back in middle school, and when they bumped into each other at the concert, she was so quick to find a reason to leave.

“Hey, Kels!” JP called out. Kelsey and Stacks both looked over. Stacks smiled and waved, but for a brief moment, Kelsey looked scared, which terrified Craig more than anything. (Because if he got back in touch with JP and Omar without her, it would never feel right. There would always be something missing.)

“Hi JP! Fancy seeing you here.” Stacks said as she led Kelsey over to the two of them. “You bought one of their shirts?”

“Duh! I had to, especially since ol’ Craiggy boy did the art.” JP boasted, gesturing at Craig who giggled at the old nickname and praise.

Kelsey looked at Craig with wide eyes. “You designed those?”

“Uh, y-yeah.”

“Dude! Those look so good! I didn’t know that you could draw that good! I mean, I knew that you could draw well but, like,” Kelsey started rambling, scrambling for the right words.

“What she means is,” Stacks placed her spare hand on Kelsey’s shoulder. “The shirts look really good, Craig!”

“Thanks.” Craig and Kelsey smiled at each other for a moment before looking away again.

“You want to sit with us?” Craig finally asked, bridging the gap.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s get our food first though.” Kelsey and Stacks walked over to the register.

“Dude, what was that?” Omar said, handing JP his drink. “Did you and Kelsey have a fight or something?”

“No. At least I don’t think so, it just…” Craig sighed. “We kept drifting apart once we stopped hanging out at the Creek as much, once I started high school. We never saw each other in the halls anymore, and I started working on art more seriously and got together with Vanessa, and Kelsey got into wrestling properly and started working on her book with Stacks and… I don’t know. It’s weird.”

“Well,” Omar said, after a long sip of his drink. “I think you guys will be fine.”

“Really?”

“Sometimes you don’t talk to someone for a while, life happens,” Omar shrugged. “But when you are as close as the four of us are, you can always slip right back into a conversation like no time has passed.”

“You really think so?”

“I know so. I mean, just look at us.” Omar smiled.

“Yeah, man!” JP added.

“Thanks, guys.” Craig felt a bit better, like there was hope for the old "Stump Kids" after all.

“Order forty-three!” An employee called from the counter, and Omar ran to go grab it.

“Just talk to her, Craig,” JP said. “Hey, maybe we could even go on a triple date some time!”

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah, I’ll call Maney and ask if she’d be down for that, I know Omar would.”

“I’ll think about it,” Craig said. "And ask Vanessa." Omar came back with the trays of food and led the three of them to a corner booth. Soon, Kelsey and Stacks joined them with their own food.

"So, how's the book going?" JP asked before shoving some fries in his mouth.

"Relly good, actually! We're super close to finishing." Stacks said.

"And then it's getting sent off to the publishers!" Kelsey said with a cheshire grin.

"Man, that's sick! Will ya let me read it once it's done?" Omar said.

"You can buy a copy like everyone else, unless we get a punlishing deal within half a year." Stacks said, smiling slyly.

"Well then, get ready to let us read that book for free because I have no dobut you'll get that deal in no time!" JP cheered.

"Oh to have no knowledge of the publishing world." Kelsey sighed, causing Stacks to giggle.

The conversation fell into a lull, leaving the group to pick at their food. Craig glanced up at Kelsey sitting across from him, and steeled his resolve.

"I'm sorry, Kelsey."

"Huh?" Kelsey looked up at Craig, fry halfway on the way to her mouth.

"I should have... I don't know. I should have tried harder to reach out to you and stay in touch, or--"

"Craig," Kelsey cut him off. "I'm sorry too. I-- when you got to high school I was scared that you were going to stop wanting to be friends so I didn't ask you to hang out as much and--"

"No, I'm--"

"Okay, that's enough." JP cutoff Craig and put an end to the apology loop. "You two both difted apart, but neither of you are completely at fault. Yeah you two might have been able to do something differently, but what's done is done. And now we're here, eating burgers and hanging out, even after all that." JP slung his arm around Omar. "We're stuck together guys, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Besides, you promised I could officiate your wedding, Craig, and I still plan on getting that certification."

"Heh, yeah." Craig looked back around Kelsey. "I really missed you."

"I missed you too." Kelsey slipped out of her side of the booth and onto Craig's side, wrapping him into a hug. "Don't let me be dumb like that again."

"You weren't dumb, Kelsey." Craig hugged her back and rested his chin on her head. "We both messed up, I'm so sorry."

"Stop saying your sorry." Kelsey laughed into the hug before pulling back and wiping at her eyes. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too."

[ yeah thats it lmao sorry. Check out my other cotc stuff on Ao3, I’m sparklepool101, and orange poncho has consumed my mind now :) ]

[set-phasers-to-whump]

you take me by the heart when you take me by the hand

prompt: "if even half of that blood is yours you need to sit down right now." from this post by @bloodsweatandpotato (hope you don't mind me tagging you just wanted to give you credit for such a fun prompt!!)

whumpee: illya kuryakin

fandom: the man from uncle

here is yet another illya fic to round off the month! i had so much fun writing this one and i hope yall will enjoy it :) it's pretty definitely pre ship napoleon/illya and the title is from hey mickey by toni basil bc it promptly got stuck in my head after i wrote this fic lmao. also side note that i just looked up the origins of the phrase don't bring a knife to a gunfight and apparently it first was used in the untouchables in 1987 so oops. but i like the line so i think i can be a little anachronistic. as a treat.

He doesn’t mean for the fight to end as bloodily as it does. But he’s lost his gun and all he has is his knife and he knows the English saying about knives and gunfights but sometimes all he has are his fists, and he’s always been the only one to walk away regardless of weapon, anyway. 

He grabs the barrel of the gun held by the man in front of him and pulls. The gun goes off, the bullet casing clattering to the floor. The man stumbles and Illya uses this moment of lost balance to step forwards and lash out with the knife. 

He cuts the man’s throat - it’s at the right height, it’s not as though he wants to kill him like this - and there’s a massive spray of blood from the cut arteries. It shoots out and splatters everywhere - the walls, the floor, all over Illya’s body, over the body of the only other man still standing, over the two bodies that already lie on the ground. 

He doesn’t stop. The last enemy in front of him has already lost his gun. He has a knife, too, larger than Illya’s but held with a less certain grasp. Still, despite the man’s obvious lack of competence with a blade, he lashes out with everything he has. Illya feels the knife graze his skin once or twice before he at last plunges his own blade into the man’s heart. The blood spray is less intense this time. Still, he feels drops of blood hit his skin.

The body hits the ground with a thump, and then everything is quiet. All Illya can hear is the sound of his own panting breaths. He can smell the blood in the air. He looks down at himself, his black clothes made darker still by fresh, wet blood. He can feel it soaking into the fabric. 

He wipes the blade of his knife on his sleeve and moves. Solo, if everything regarding his part of the mission has gone to plan, will be waiting for him by the rear exit. 

--

Mercifully, one half of the mission has gone off without a hitch. Solo is standing exactly where he is supposed to be, not a hair on his head out of place. His eyes widen when he sees Illya, and he opens his mouth to say something, but before he gets the chance to brag about how his portion of their mission had gone perfectly while Illya’s had clearly not, there’s a shout from close behind them and the two agents push through the doors at a run. 

They must be a good deal faster than their pursuers, or else they’d simply decided Solo and Illya were not worth following. In any case, they run through deserted back alleys for perhaps half a mile before stopping beside a falling-apart building. 

Solo, who somehow still looks completely put together, turns to Illya. He stares him up and down and his gaze is so intense that Illya sort of feels like he himself needs to look away. 

“If even half of that blood is yours, you need to sit down right now.”

Illya is about to argue that probably all of the blood on him belongs to someone else, but actually, he thinks that sitting down sounds very nice. Possibly, it sounds like the nicest thing in the world. He’s tired. He should not be this tired. He can normally run half a mile without even breaking a sweat. 

He sinks to the ground. Solo crouches beside him. 

“What happened?”

Illya shrugs. Something in his torso resists the movement. “Don’t know. Wasn’t supposed to be any guards on my level. There were four. I killed them.”

“Did they hurt you?” Solo asks. He sounds worried. Illya doesn’t like it. 

“Maybe a few cuts. Not much.” 

Solo raises his eyebrows. “Are you sure about that? You kind of look like you took a shower in blood.”

“Four men have a lot of blood.”

“Five have even more.”

“I’m fine.”

“Somehow, I don’t believe you. Let me look you over?”

Illya shakes his head. “We should move. They might come after us.”

Solo sighs. “Fine,” he says, standing up and offering Illya a hand. “Tell me if you start feeling dizzy.”

Illya refuses the hand and stands up on his own. He’s immediately hit with a wave of dizziness and leans against the crumbling wall behind him for just a second. Obviously, he is not going to say anything.

Solo sighs again but also doesn’t say anything. He just starts walking. Illya follows. 

--

They make it to the door of their safe house, having only passed two pedestrians. Illya is thankful that it’s dark enough outside that they probably didn’t notice the blood. 

He, however, cannot stop noticing it. The smell still lingers, though it’s less overwhelming now that he’s grown used to it. It’s begun to dry, making his clothes stick to his skin. It’s itchy on his face and sticky in his hair and he can’t stop feeling it. It makes him nauseous. He thinks he would really like to sit down again. He has not been this tired in a very long time. 

Solo unlocks the door and they both step inside. The house is old and small but comfortable and warm, a rarity on missions like this. But there is only a single bedroom. They have been switching off using it, and tonight it is Solo’s turn, so Illya makes his way to the couch. Solo grabs him by the arm before he can sit down. 

“You’re going to get the cushions all bloody. Bathroom. Now.”

Solo doesn’t let up his grip on Illya’s arm until they’re in the bathroom, which is barely large enough to fit the both of them. 

“Before we do anything else, you need to strip down. We don’t need your bloody clothes touching any more surfaces than strictly necessary.”

Illya stares at him. “No.”

“You’re still dripping blood, Peril. We’re already going to have to scrub the floors. I don’t want to clean anything else.”

“You don’t need to do anything. I’m fine.”

Solo crosses his arms and stares at Illya. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you’re fine.”

Illya stares right back at him. “I’m. Fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I am.”

“Illya, you’re about three shades paler than normal, your clothes and in fact your entire body are covered in blood, and you look five seconds away from either passing out or throwing up, or possibly both. You are not fine.”

And just like that, the fight drains out of him. It’s probably from exhaustion, he tells himself. He slowly and carefully removes his clothes, which are soaked completely through with blood in places. His underwear and socks have been spared, but his undershirt does not share their fate. 

There’s a neat, round hole in it, the fabric around it and the skin beneath it stained bright red. 

“Want to tell me again how you’re fine?” Solo asks. 

Illya barely hears him. He hadn’t even felt the gunshot before, can’t remember when it happened. But now that he sees it, the pain hits all at once. It’s not unfamiliar, but this does not make it any better.

Another wave of dizziness crashes over him and he sits down hard on the closed lid of the toilet. He feels the movement force more blood out of the wound. The sensation makes him gag. This in turn makes everything hurt worse. His ears are ringing. His head is still spinning. It hurts and he wants it to stop. 

Solo’s hands are on his shoulders. Suddenly, all Illya can think is that Solo is probably going to ruin his suit with all of this blood. 

“-llya? Illya? Are you with me?”

Illya blinks. The pain recedes, just a little. He focuses on Solo’s voice for all he is worth. Finally, he manages a slow nod. 

“Okay, good. Just breathe, alright? Let me know when you feel like you can move.”

Illya does not ever want to move. He feels like he is barely conscious just sitting down. Something in Solo’s voice tells him it’s important, though. He tries very hard to make his head stop spinning and after a few minutes says, “I can move.” His voice barely sounds like his own. 

“I’ll support as much of your weight as I can, but you might need to walk a little. We’re just going to the couch.”

“I will…get blood on it.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

Solo helps him to his feet. He thinks he is going to collapse for a moment, but Solo holds on to him and doesn’t let him fall. 

The walk to the couch is slow and painful, even with Solo doing most of the work. It seems to take hours before Illya is finally lying down. 

“I’ll be right back,” Solo says from above him, and then Illya is alone. 

He tries to focus on other things besides the pain. His feet stick out slightly over the armrest. The ceiling is wooden and there are fancy carvings in the corners. The house smells slightly musty and beneath that there is a smell that reminds Illya of old ladies. The wound in his stomach throbs. The pain will not stop. He cannot feel anything else. He wishes he would pass out, though he knows he can’t. It is too dangerous. He does not want to die. 

Solo returns. There’s a metal box in his hands with a red cross on it. This is the first aid kit they’d brought with them. It is well-stocked and everything in it is sterile. Illya tries to be grateful for this. He probably will not get an infection, assuming that Solo does not make any mistakes. (He has never known Solo to make mistakes, not in times like this). 

“Do you want any painkillers?”

Illya shakes his head. By now, they both know that he never does, but Solo still asks every time. 

“Ready, then?”

He nods. 

“Let me know if I need to stop.”

He nods again. He will also never tell Solo to stop, and they both know it. There is no point in delaying the inevitable. 

It is not the first time Illya has had a bullet dug out of him. It is not even the first time Solo has dug a bullet out of him. Still. There are some things that don’t get easier the more often they are done. 

Solo’s hands are steady and certain and precise. He operates the tweezers the way he operates a lockpick. The metal scarcely even touches Illya’s skin. 

It still hurts. He reflexively pushes his body into the couch as though he can get away from the pain and sink right through the material beneath him. Black spots dance in his vision. He shuts his eyes and tells himself it will be over soon. 

It is over quickly. The bullet clatters onto the table. This is not the worst part, though. Illya braces himself. 

He keeps his eyes closed and listens to the sounds of Solo preparing to stitch the wound closed. When he finally begins, the antiseptic feels like acid on Illya’s skin. He grits his teeth and fists his hands into the couch cushions. The pain of the cleaning and the pain of the stitches blend together so that he isn’t entirely sure when Solo actually begins stitching. All he knows is that eventually the pain levels off and there is something soft over the wound and his fingers are gripping Solo’s hand so tightly it hurts. 

He lets go as soon as he realizes this. He opens his eyes and takes a careful, deep breath. 

“You okay?”

“Yes.”

“I suppose you still won’t take up my offer of painkillers?”

He is tempted. But he can’t. This would be a sign of weakness. Solo has told him before that he doesn’t put stock into those kinds of things, but Illya does. Recently, sometimes, he wishes he didn’t. But he does. He shakes his head. 

“Okay,” Solo agrees. “Can you sit up a little bit?”

He can. He leans against the armrest and wishes that he had a blanket. 

Sometimes he worries that Solo can read his thoughts. “I’ll get you some clothes in a minute. You’re still covered in blood, though.”

He is. He can feel it again, around the pain. He doesn’t think he has the energy to shower, but he wants it gone very badly. 

Solo leaves again. There is the sound of running water and Illya is wondering whether it’s the shower when the noise stops and then Solo is back. 

He has a bowl of water and a small towel. He sets these things on the table and then sits on it himself. “Is this okay?” he asks. 

Illya does not quite understand what he means. But he trusts Solo. He doesn't really know when this happened. It is just a fact of his life now. He nods. 

Solo dips the towel in the water and rubs it against Illya’s torso, warm water and soft fabric against the dried blood streaked there. Illya watches as his skin returns to its normal color, albeit a bit pink from the scrubbing. Solo is careful - not gentle, but careful - as he cleans the blood from Illya’s legs and arms, revealing a variety of bruises and scrapes beneath. 

Then he cleans Illya’s hands. There’s something terribly intimate about the cleaning now, much more so than there had been before. It makes his breath catch just a little bit, though maybe that’s from the pain. 

It takes a long time for Solo to clean the blood from Illya’s hands. It is in the lines on his palms, on his knuckles, beneath his nails. Solo does not stop until it is all gone. Illya’s hands feel raw. 

When Solo moves onto his face, it’s much the same. His hands are everywhere, touching Illya’s chin, his cheeks, his temples. No one has ever touched him this much before. He cannot say that he likes it. He cannot say that he dislikes it, either. 

Getting the blood out of his hair is the most difficult process of all, but Solo is determined. Illya nearly laughs at him as he struggles to figure out a way to position himself and his bowl of now-lukewarm water. He manages eventually, dragging over a chair and sitting down behind the arm of the couch. Illya, for his part, sits up a bit more and tilts his head back over the armrest so that Solo can use one of the teacups from the kitchen to pour water onto his hair, which can then drain into the bowl on his lap. It’s incredibly convoluted and surely looks quite funny. Still, there is that element of tenderness behind it that Illya cannot quite figure out. 

Eventually, Solo is satisfied that all the blood is gone. True to his word, he goes off to rummage through Illya’s suitcase, giving him a pair of pajamas and watching critically as Illya carefully and slowly pulls them on. 

As soon as he does, he is immediately reminded of how tired he is. He begins to lie down on the couch, but Solo stops him. 

“No. You’re taking the bed.”

“It’s your turn.”

“I didn’t get shot.”

“It’s your turn. And the couch is bloody now.”

“And you’re not. Bed.”

“No.”

“Peril.”

“Cowboy.”

“You’re taking that bed.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No.”

“Illya.”

“No.”

“How about we share, then.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

This is how Illya ends up slightly smashed together with Solo in a bed definitely not made for two people of their size. But the sheets are clean and the blanket is warm and if they both stay very close to the edges their bodies don’t even touch. 

--

He wakes up with a dull pain in his torso and Solo wrapped around him. Their hands are touching, fingers not quite laced together. Pale light filters through the closed curtains. Everything feels warm and hazy. Despite the gunshot wound, Illya does not think he has ever felt so comfortable in his life. 

For once, he allows himself the simple pleasure of falling back asleep.

thanks for reading! i hope you liked my fics this month :) love you all!

[spurkspaint]

woo rant coming up about this cunt on twitter, tw mentions of panic attacks, self hatred, s3lf h4rm, and 5u1c1d3. maybe depersonalization warning..? but hey, its fucking t w i t t e r what do u expect. just know this isnt just for this one person, its for everyone like this white cis male LMAO

First of all, no. It's not a trend to come out as non-binary. No, it's not ok to use he/him or she/her on someone who uses they/them, xe/xer, etc. because you know what? I get PANIC ATTACKS when people refer to me by she/her too many times! One time my teacher kept referring to me as a she and I could here the who class talking about me and I'm still confused as to if they were or not but I almost cried. I had to hold myself back from running to the bathroom, screaming "FUCK YOU I'M A BOY!" Over and over again. It was bad. This concept has happened many, many times. I'm so sick and tired of it. I had to get a therapist because of these experiences. They suck dick. I know I'm talking about my experiences as a trans man and this shithead is talking about Jelly Bean, a non-binary person, but it's still related. In a way? Also, because of these experiences, I can barely talk about gender without running somewhere where I can be alone and balling my eyes out, only for it to happen again. And again. And again. And again. I'm so fucking sick and tired of it. I'm so sick and tired of these people. They're part of the reason I had multiple 5u1c1d3 attempts. I hate these people. There has to be a special place in hell for them. And if I go down, they're going with me. I'm so fucking mad. I can't fucking deal with these people anymore but there's nothing I can do because my mom found my bl4d3 and... She took it. So I have no way of h4rm1ng myself. The only things I have to get me through this hellhole is music. No one likes me. They all hate me. Everyone. I'm pathetic. I'm hated. I'm annoying. I'm rude. I'm talkative. I'm fat. I'm pointless. But most of all, I'm fake. This whole world is a lie. God knows where I truly am, or as I should say, where we truly are. Everyday I'm begging for forgiveness. I just want the pain to stop. Please reblog this to spread awareness, I can't deal with this shit anymore. I'm about to put a bullet through my head... Please..

My lgbtph0b1c dad is for another time. End of rant.

[wrestlezon]

aew dynamite 9/28/22 liveblog containment zone

i fell asleep so we watched this like hours later

tay melo and anna jay came out and i couldnt tell them apart OMG the pizza guy is here too?? i thought he got cancelled for being an antivaxxer. though i guess jericho wouldnt care about that LMAO wife joke etc etc is that a real pizza dough or a prop. do they make movie prop pizza dough matt menard calling him THE PIZZA GUY is so funny actually WE WANT PIZZA (clap clap clapclapclap) oh no! he's heeling on ring of honor! hes making all the ring of honor fans mad! these guys and their shirtless blazer looks omg. a hat daniel garcia looks SO MISERABLE knocked out pizza guy ooohhhh garcia gonna quitttttt the jasssss man jericho is giving this guy SO many chances danielson is here! why is his shirt half-tucked into his briefs. hello?? theyre dadtalking so hard right now LMFAO daniel garcia leave your uncool dad and join me, your cool dad. we'll have fun training. we'll have fun fighting garcia is actin out!!!!!!!!!!!! throwing pizza!!!!! MATT MENARD!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he was your wrestleson……. no….. so mean to him… oooh danielson vs matt menard fight

matt menard vs bryan danielson

man they cleaned off the ring real quick regal gettin his excalibur flirts out bright and early (rice krispie treat..) danielson got the pepperonis (these wrestlers are out there cupping) angelo parker out here barking at danielson to stay away from his domestic life partner i was making a joke but then parker pulled menard out of the ring to cradle his head so cheating!!! claudio is here to even the odds lmao the ring corner dive from angelo oh my god hes just carrying him out of the arena. claudio is pretty funny taz calling regal "reegs" omg

whoa! yuta in the ring with a mic.

support you yuta! you gotta learn to promo by doing it! "ive been hit harder by a lot better men" yuta…….. voice crack. yuta youre so cute im sorry. keep up the good work. i like the contrast between how intrinsically cute he is but also hes out there doing toughguy shit whoa mjf in the baseball jersey? how are those ppl writing that cmjf baseball au feeling about this mjf stop calling yourself DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AUGH lmao yuta being scawy… mjf being like O_O ohhhh yuta vs mjf next week lmao my friends frothing about the gunn club being in mjf's pocket (we want to see a max to max interaction)

lethal's group and darby allin doing a video promo thing lethal vs darby next week or so i guesssss

juice robinson vs jon moxley

biker guy juice robinson. i do think he looks better without the dreads meanwhile, in the distance: mjf whoa, rope tumbles lmfao regal making jokes and making the whole commentary table crack up uh oh moxley back on the bloodletting aughh!!! juice dont put that in your mouth!!! blood!!!!!! lmfao live mjf reaction

crazy this man is just out here wrestling in jeans threatening the referee!! thats how you know he is a bullet club bad guy moxley wins! gasp!!!! its hangman!! hiiiiiii hangman in the dolly parton shirt love to see it. theyre out here nuzzling. literally Just Kiss oh mjf is yelling from his Luxury Box oh no mjf look out!! its yuta!!!!!!!! (lmao) VIOLENCE my friends are complaining about how a yuta vs mjf has no psychological element to it but i think mjf could use a less psychological feud after the cmjf one. you know, as a palate cleanser.

saraya in da ring with a mic

i dont know this lady. but apparently she retired because of neck stuff a few years ago? ladies night in da ring willow :)c who is this blonde lady i dont recognize her. we got athena and willow and skye blue hey at least theres a group here. who are they rivaling, its it the anti-jade or-- oh… its opposing britt baker britt baker is very good at dissing people on mic which is a good quality for a heel. i will say this the crowd is cheering jamie hayter ;_; literally so mad that jamie didnt split off from britt SO MAD HOW LONG WILL YOU KEEP ME WAITING oh a lumberjack match! thats… hmmm isnt a lumberjack match just cheat city my friends brought up a good point that britt baker would be cheating anyway so this lets the good girl team cheat back lmao taz putting tony on blast for being friends with britt baker OHHHH jamie hayter throwing hands with willow nightingale… please you two have a match toni wins!

ohhh!! backstage with the acclaimed!!

whoa. keith lee is here! lmao "swerve isnt here because is exceptionally disgruntled" i love keith lee. "you got carried" isnt this nerd language. im a huge nerd so i cant tell sometimes. i love keith lee he rules. he really speaks to me

backstage with private party and andrade lmao matt hardy with his hands in his pockets. come back to me baby i'll be good to you

ricky starks doing the mario ground pound on that guy's pelvis lmao

oh yesss!! jamie vs willow match on friday!!!!!

bandido vs jericho

wow bandido is so strong. one arm lifting jericho over his head!! lmao shoutout to the british royal navy i guess?? oh my god he is holding up a full man for over half a minute. strong. i barely know bandido but i have to defend him in the voicechat. the amount of luchador face slander going on. i will not accept this blood on da mask!! this match is pretty tense. i dont think bandido is gonna win but theyre really making me--- oh not the massssskkkkk come onnnnn ok jericho won "im going to destroy every ring of honor competitor… commentator… and even.... ring announcer"

lmaooo

[castle-dominion]

c3x22 to love & die in LA

Ooh a plot heavy episode lol acab Dude it might be easier to hop than it is to crawl idk. Wow mafia lookin dude Lol the sarcastic "scary"

What time of day is this? Castle is here first! Lanie <3 I keep forgetting that bounty hunters are real. Arrest probs. Yep arrest. At least he still has a face.

Just like Murdoch! Ryan taking things back to s1 rly quick here with his outfit like that huh Silencers don't make them completely silent, they just dampen the noise

Royce has nice brown eyes & freckles

Beckett shut it Girl. Girl no.

She has a pic of him with her? That's sweet. (Also reminds me of george crabtree with a picture in his house with an awkward murdoch. if he wasn't so head over heels for julia he would be in love with... well pendrick but if he wasn't head over heels for pendrick he would be in love with george. Remember that time when william asked george out to the christmas ball?)

This is what it's like sitting in the back of a car with my two brothers & they put me in the middle Bro you could stand up to let her out, it's like the bus! It's castle obv. (could clip, but I won't)

I'll be your backup <3

"under the radar" cut to a fancy car Castle is so cocky Ew neat mural... I like maurice. Beckett has some really LA type clothing here...

Mob ties?

WAIT WHAT Guest house, reminds me of Japan. "Me too" XD apparently they went thru several iterations before settling on that.

Their little handshake

y'all PLEASE watch the bonus features if you can. Apparently this IS where they shoot Castle & even the camera ones are literally the ones who work on Castle. She's in rehab???

Raley & ochoa? That's VERY original castle /s. lmao doesn't huerve mean egg? what is that handshake? I love it RC: You're a cop, so it's your job. Rick go talk to ryan about his motivations & then make smth up for Raley! Update: I have now watched the audio commentaries & stuff for s1. Apparently Ryan was a boring character so Dever started carrying around Richard Castle books, probably borrowing them from beckett. Dever went "what is my character's motivation^/" & they said "idk" so he started reading castle books.

KB: *talking abt the case* KB: *trails off once she sees bootleg rysposito* (clipping)

GIRL "HOLA CHICA" IS EASIER TO WRITE THAN "GREETING IN SPANISH" WTF Aw look at them kiss in the morgue. LP: Wait is your friend that top-heavy tramp in reception? JE: Hm? What? HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO DISSOLVE? YOU MIGHT WANT TO SNAP SOME PICS QUICK. (clipping)

Did they call? How did rick learn abt the dissolving bullets? (love how he is on conspiracy websites tho lol) Girl??? Also the lockpick scene was ok except for the fact that she didn't physically unlock the door after getting the pegs aligned Watch ur fingerprints. No all the way back to new york? they're going to go back & then once in new york they'll have to come back to LA If royce can't hunt bounties then he'd totally be a PI Nice to hear LAPD instead of NYPD.

Ooh robbery homicide LMAO IT REALLY IS MUCH WORSE THAN ARREST. IT'S LIKE WHEN YOUR DAD SAYS HE'S NOT MAD JUST DISAPPOINTED. They often say "welcome to new york" & now it's "welcome to LA" & I think it's a nice change of pace.

Ryan outfit: patterned shirt, collared button-up as usual, tie. I love the little brother things here. Imagine if it was martha's acting school. Ryan just held up his fingers to say "line two" but montgomery saw & hun he might just hop on the phone too. JE: Sup girl? Hey she's genuinely being useful in the investigation. Or maybe not, maybe she's just telling them what to do even tho they can do it on their own See? Castle is smart enough

Now this is intense I love it. I also love how the man goes into the office just wearing his surfwear.

Ha not that good. Way ahead of you bro. These two are a great team. (tbh I'm clipping this bc I like seeing them do smart stuff)

Just like castle! Making up stories to mess with you! You're not so bad yourself castle??? Are u in a relationship? If she wasn't I'd say kiss kiss kiss. Huh her nails are painted.

Maurice my beloved lmao no it only melts nazis ok bud Could have yelled "coming, one sec" "We're not on the case anymore" I like Seeger's tie No, seeger went to the house for something. Wait it was for the gal who stole the stuff nvm.

Mum caught on right away that they would use the props YES RALEY/TAYLOR & OCHOA/HERVE! That's the dumbest thing ever I love how he just accepts that

This is so great. Apparently this is the same interview room as usual, they just changed it up a bit to make it look like the movie set. I mean you're right child molesters are the lowest of the low but they usually get killed so they are not actually IN prison. I like how we get to see the dramatic upset behind the set. update: OH it's bc we usually get to see people in the observation room like montgomery $500 is cheap af I wonder if they filmed that for the bonus features of the nikki heat film but they probably wouldn't include Reggie in there. Does this mean I can leave?

She's just walkin by stripping from all of the costume stuff they gave her None of the other ones are before a height measure thing, only Mannis is. He also looks to be above 6' even tho his profile says 6'0" update: THE EASTER EGGS FURIED CROWS

MAURICE! Also I can't tell if this guy is fancy, european, or gay. It's like that song, gay or european, & it's like dirk gently, possibly gay & definitely european.

Wow definitely not new york. Man has a tattoo. Oh of course they couldn't resist a shot of this. Does she have any bullet wounds? Appendicitis scars? I'm into girls but I'm not into this. (I'm into girls like Ryan who is not a girl. He is a lesbian to me though.) What accent is this? She grabbed his wrist now he's the one holding her hand? Weird

I thought that was the original plan lol RC: DOn't poke me! KB: Poke you? I want to kiss you! SO DO IT ALREADY (won't clip)

Decently obvious lie... (BESTIES HOW DO THEY BECOME GOOD ACTORS FOR 5X10 & HOW DID ESPOSITO LOSE ALL OF HIS "WE WERE TRAINED NOT TO GIVE UP INFORMATION" SKILLS?) Why did RM say this to espt instead of saying "you or you"? Also I'd def excpect esposito the "we were trained not to give up information" man to be good at lying. JE: *nods to ryan* RM: *Smiles as the two walk away* They are her brothers <3

RC out of the blue: Can i interest you in one of these robes? Seeger: ? No! Thank you!

Where in the world are they meeting her? Ok but the way Ryan whips his jacket around mm These two are partners & I love them He just answer's some stranger's phone with "yo" lol KB: ... ESPOSITO??? JE: BECKETT??? KB: Are you with mannis? JE, casually: Yeah I just shot him KB: JE: Why r u calling him? KB: Look we need to know where & when ganz is selling those bullets JE: Done JE, to mannis: Where's the deal going down? *gun pressed to his throat* DM: I'm hit man call an ambulance JE: Well my partner's on that KR: Nine, one... what comes after that one? DM: I;m in pain here man! JE gets the location out of him by pressing in on him & putting him in pain (acab) & then bringing the cell phone to the screaming man's voice & then he cracks, that easy, tells em where to go. KR comes in after that asking who shot royce which was a good call. It was Ganz.

the heck does "quarter of six" mean? Do you mean 5:15 or do you mean 5:45 or do you mean 6:15? I would say quarter TO six for 6.30, quarter PAST six for 6.15, third PAST six for 6.20 & half PAST six for 6.30. Yo where did beckett get a gun?

That's a sus buff tattooed guy She says "police" instead of nypd bc she doesn't have jurisdiction here & she is not lapd. Yo, nice knife! Mmm a smouldering cigar Hun u better have the safety on & the gun not cocked. easy way to lose a buttock. Glad we got a shot of her booty tho. She's not my type (except for maybe s1 beckett) but I can still appreciate a pretty lady.

Apparently she had to learn how to vault a gate on set that day in front of a hundred plus people. She tries to do most of her own stunts tho. I never imagined hell looked like you ugh good line good line First names <3 Girl u put the safety on right?

I like their little friendly ending together & then DX rick gives him a housecoat that's so great lol

I thought about it. But I knew I never would. I knew I couldn't

NOTE FROM A DEAD GUY SHIPS THEM. Care & love does not need to be romantic ig... Wait he wrote the note in all caps

I loved the costumes in this episode. V nice. v good.

It was a different episode today! I enjoyed it a lot! & I went five minutes overtime in my watch (I give myself double time to watch it) but other than that yeah I'm happy!

(Got some good clips here today)

[wikipedialuvr]

2x04

ooh i like this piano music

not the fascist 😭

having my so-called free-thinker moment (headbobbing NOT fascism)

HAHA HE'S ACTUALLY GOING TO MANAGEMENT TRAINING

LMAO the kendall cameo vs the roman cameo

HAHA TURKEY ROMAN

it means he gives tom sloppy glug glug velvet throat head

please tell me roman and gerri arent going to fuck.

yes please call in the water canon

donor boner<3

i know jonah wants to put a bullet between tom's eyes rn

yes, tom. nazis terrible. glad we cleared that up

yas kendall vape it up baby

SUS. SUSSY.

SHOOTER?!?!?

hey kendall what if you stepped down from the ledge babygirl

no greg you're making all the right points

MO-LESTER.. logan is fucking brutal

heyyyy where's kendallllll

btw the guy tom was questioning did NOT pass that test

tomgreg breakup...

WAIT ACTUALLY LMAO

i think tom is sick of being in open relationships

why is he more emotional about this than when shiv manipulated him into an open marriage

LMAO

'of what is mine' ??!!!?!

how did they not fucking lose it during filming for this

omfg just kiss

why does this sound like business dirty talk

greg the slimeball

wait connor's gf is actually so sweet

LMFAO THIS SPEECH HAHAHA

this phone sex is so awkard..

No. I can see what's about to happen. No. I refuse.

STOPPPPPPPP

LMAO DEGRADATION KINK

i want to **** *** ***** ** *****

shiv baby don't cry :(

KENDALL baby don't cry :((

honey :(((

oh new safety wall yay

[brun0buccellati-blog1]

Do i really wanna delete and remake or should I just officially give up and not come back honestly what's really worth it I have no idea I can't decide

[chans-bad-girl]

Hi there! I'm very sleepy right now but suddenly this came into my mind : "what is skz reaction when they caught you touching yourself? Maybe they'll asking for mutual masturbation? Or just watching you? Or ended up having sex with you??" Thank you in advance~ guess I can't sleep tonight!!

Hey, hope you're getting your sleep lol

Stray Kids reactions: they catch you touching yourself (+scenarios)

warnings: voyeurism, masturbation (female and male), toys, dumbification, pet names, nipple play, mutual masturbation, mentions of piv, dirty talk, mirror sex, wall sex

chan:

maybe giving your boyfriend a spare key to your apartment wasn't the best idea because now you're sprawled out on your couch, pictures of him on your phone while the bunny vibrator is put on the highest setting. tbh you wouldn't have noticed him standing there with takeout if he didn't grab your hand and take control of the toy. face cold, he whispers into your ear, "tell me when you're horny next time and you won't need my pictures anymore." (which he says while pushing the toy further inside you)

lee know:

minho likes going to bed early. he usually goes to bed at 11, preferably at 10, and sleeps his 8 hours in ignorant bliss of his girlfriend's moans muffled in her pillow. emphasis: usually. because tonight, he feels the shaking and hears the squelching sounds through his lighter-than-usual slumber. "bunny, please touch yourself quieter, I need my sleep." will go back to sleep and then rail you tomorrow while he teases you about it with all the energy he got from his beauty rest.

changbin:

he got you a bullet vibrator for your 1-year-anniversary and boy are you keen to use it. it's been glimmering at you from across your room and now that changbin is sleeping in the other room (and you don't want to wake him because he had a stressful week with almost 0 sleep), you think it's time to use it. when you turn it on, you don't expect it to be this intense. your hole clenches at your clit's sensitivity and your body jolts forward. you don't mean for your moan to be this loud, really, but it rings through the apartment and wakes your boyfriend right up. upon seeing your struggle with the vibrator, he rubs his eyes and says, "my baby is too dumb to touch herself now? oh kitten, do you need master to teach you?"

hyunjin:

oh boy roommate!hyunjin will literally touch himself watching you through the crack of the bathroom door you forgot to lock. dick in hand, he watches as you touch yourself in the bathtub, losing yourself with the shower head on your clit and a hand on your hard nipples. will accidentally be too loud and call your attention. "oh, sorry, uhm..." "couldn't control yourself, huh?" "no..I-" "cut it. i want you. now." this whole endeavor leads to you becoming friends with benefits lol because you're two horny college students who can't afford their own apartments but also have a no-bringing-one-night-stands-home policy. will want to do mutual masturbation because he doesn't wanna get all wet haha

jisung:

he catches you touching yourself in his own home. you were on a trip to meet your family in your home town and your close childhood friend offered you a place to stay. for a week you couldn't touch yourself or even be alone for more than 5 minutes, and when Jisung finally leaves the house for a bit longer than just for groceries, you can finally relax without the fear he might come back soon. so you lie on the couch bed, completely naked because it's 43 degrees and god knows you've waited for this way too long. little did you know that Jisung's plans were cancelled and he drove straight back home to you playing with your clit, two fingers stretching your walls. will watch in awe for a bit before you notice him. "oh, you...that's kind of hot. Mind if I...help?" you don't mind at all. and this is how you ended up with your childhood best friend's head between your legs.

felix:

you blame felix for the suit he's worn and also for the fact that he didn't bother to take it off even when you arrived at his house and started playing video games. Needless to say: you were horny as ever. so you excused yourself to the bathroom to satisfy the ache. because felix had his headphones on and his room was on the other side of the house, you let soft moans slip off your tongue. he sure wouldn't hear, right? WRONG. he got worried after you didn't come back from the toilet for 10 minutes and decided to check on you. and oh was he happy he did that because your moans? music to his ears. "yn, no need to hide, my family won't be back until tomorrow." that's when you open the door and grab his tie for his lips to meet yours. "you stayed in this on purpose, huh? after the wedding you could've taken it off." "I know you like suits."

seungmin:

before he told you he's an idol, you'd never thought of him this way: hot, talented and highly ambitious. but the growing trust in your friendship reveals an aspect of seungmin you wouldn't have expected in your wildest dreams: tongue out, gaze dark, he's hyper-focused on his dance moves, and hell is that making a mess of your panties. at your place, eating celebration pizza after his tour-opening show, you decide to wait until he falls asleep to pound a dildo into yourself in your room. the doors are thin and the couch bed seungmin temporarily sleeps on is only so comfortable. which means that he hears you loud and clear as you whine. you have awakened his curiosity, and before he can stop himself, he walks straight toward your room. what do you look like right now? What are you thinking about? When he walks into your bedroom and accidentally stumbles, you look at him with the biggest eyes and maybe that wasn't the way he imagined the answer to the first question. (good for you that you have the blanket over though haha). "oh, this is very embaressing...in front of my idol friend, wow." "nonono don't get me wrong, I think you put on a nice show. maybe better than mine..." will fuck you in front of a mirror (with your consent ofc) because "look at you, you're performing so well only for me."

jeongin:

after him teasing you all day (being all touchy-feely, being suggestive with his words and wiggling his eyebrows way too much lol) while watching reruns of pretty little liars, he forgets his gym bag at your dorm. now, your touch starved, career oriented college student self is only so resilient. translation: you rub your clit furiously while watching twitter porn. when he arrives at the bus stop, he notices his gym bag is still at your place, and so decides to knock on the first-floor window to your bedroom. when you don't answer (because your earphones blast slapping sounds and moans + you are too far gone to notice anything at this point) he peeks through the slit between your curtains and oh my god are you hot squirming around with your hand between your legs. he's touched himself to the fantasy of you pinned to a wall too many times to count, and now he can finally make it a reality. let's just say he's not shy to ring your door bell at the ass crack of dawn to ask you about what porn gets you off so prettily to then rail you against all walls in your apartment lmao rip your roommate

[icysab]

~ badboy!jungkook x smartass nerd!reader ~

genre/what to expect: e2l ft. sexual tension, college au

warnings: swearing, bad grades lmao

wordcount: around 1k

a/n: alr so although this idea might be incredibly overused, i will be using it anyway cuz this fic is v self indulgent lmao. also, this has been sitting in my drafts for like,,, almost a year now, so i just decided fuck it. if ppl like it, maybe ill turn it into a whole fic? idk lemme know what y’all think. but for now, i am not planning on prioritizing updates for this.

also random disclaimer: i don’t know a fuck ton about how korean college works so i’m basing this on the experience in my country. if i screwed somethin up please that’s totally different in korea correct me so i can fix it </3

college had really been a bore lately.

you had been berated by your high school teachers, claiming that "college is harder, professors don't care about you, you have to study," and whatever other bullshit they liked to spew. but unsurprisingly, college was never particularly difficult. and now, halfway through your junior year, you still don't even really bother studying. as long as you don't flunk out, why does it matter? just suck up to the profs a bit, and you're set. who gives a shit if you're a teachers pet when you're on track to graduating top of your class? you never really cared what others thought anyways.

there was only one catch: when you got bored, you tended to slack off. and now, you—top of your class poli sci major—currently has a c- in your behavioral econ course.

and that is certainly not acceptable.

"you know, you're one of the best students in my class. i'm very disappointed in your recent grades".

you force yourself to keep a serious look, and refrain from rolling your eyes while forcing a nod.

you plaster on an expression of false understanding and tell the professor, "i'm very sorry. i really do want to excel in this class," while bowing your head slightly.

he hums to himself, clearly contemplating something.

"just because i know how much effort you put into this class, i'll offer you an opportunity to earn extra credit," he says after what feels like an eternity. "i have a student in econ 101 that needs extra help. if you were to tutor him twice a week, and his scores were to improve significantly, then i'll raise your grade to an a".

you have to prevent yourself from smirking. it really does pay to be a suck-up.

"i'd love to!" you lie between your teeth, giving the poor professor your best faux smile. "i'm so thankful for this opportunity, and i'll work my hardest. thank you!"

well, you certainly dodged a bullet there. or you hoped. as long as the kid you're stuck tutoring isn't a little bitch, then you should have no problem securing your a.

the professor had emailed you the students contact information, and told you to set up meetings with them. all you knew was that his name is justin seagull or something, and he's completely flunking econ.

which, how do you even manage to do? that's like, the easiest class.

not that you're complaining; it works out all the better for you. and hey, maybe you can make a new friend!

earlier in the week, you had coordinated with the dude you're tutoring via email to meet on thursday at 3pm for an hour and a half, which so happens to be today. at around 2:45, during your long break in between classes, you head over to the agreed upon location for your first tutoring sesh: the undergrad library. at precisely 2:55, you take a seat at one of the benches near the entrance of the library, deciding to wait so you don't miss him.

even if you really didn't want to be stuck tutoring, you were still going to put in an effort; you really did want to help whoever needed it. just because you'd rather not spend your thursday afternoons teaching econ doesn't mean you wanted to screw the dude over and waste his time.

you pull out your phone and begin to mindlessly

scroll on instagram out of boredom.

at 3:04, you begin to wonder where he is, and if he's okay.

at 3:11, you start to get a little annoyed, but you try to remind yourself that maybe he got held up somewhere, or somethings wrong.

at 3:32, you shoot him a text.

at 3:57, still no response.

at 4:13, you say fuck it and decide to head home.

at 6 fucking pm, he has the audacity to send you a text.

jk: sorry. i was busy.

what could he have possibly been so busy with that he couldn't of even texted you beforehand, only god knows. all you know is that you're pissed. you had prepared a whole plan for this first session, made a list of important topics to cover, and even did research on the best ways to teach. all for you to be ignored, cast aside like you were unimportant.

you quickly shoot him a text back.

you: whatever it’s fine, let’s just schedule for another day

you: when works?

your phone dings.

jk: idk i have to check with my schedule

god, what a fucking asshole.

you swallow your pride as best as you can and type out a response.

you: well, lmk when you’re free ^-^

your phone dings after a moment.

jk: do we really have to do this?

jk: i mean idk abt you but i don’t really want to spend my time getting tutored

you roll your eyes and grit your teeth.

you: mm that kinda sucks for you but yea we do have to

you: so like i said, when works?

and you know what he fucking does??

he fucking leaves you on read.

that asshole.

you take a deep breath and attempt to calm down before all hell is let loose.