#his friends lack that sentiment - but they all have unique perspectives on it

[malcreation]

the band is recreated into walking corpses during their first international tour, meeting & partying with a mysterious and, frankly, stunning woman they meet after their Edinburgh show (this is Ethel, also known as the butcher of Marylebone — in a particularly devious mood this night, she seduces the lot of them in a way, and instead of devouring them whole, leaves them torn apart and ready to be remade, like molding clay back into their image)

they wake up sore & alone, aside from each other — surrounded by blood, bones, debris of viscera… Ethel nowhere to be found. with no body and no evidence of any wounds, the gang packs it up and gets the hell out of that strange, crimson-coated apartment. figure it was one hell of a party. they begin to understand their transformation in varying ways and levels. kt & grim find themselves consuming some drunkards in the wee hours of the next night. louie holds only a loose control over her cravings, begins to eat raw meat in secret, which only barely sates her. randy accidentally slaughters a few strangers as he desperately searches, despite Bernie’s insistence to leave it alone, for Ethel. Bernie, throughout all of this, is striving for normalcy, but is plagued by this nagging feeling that he’s forgetting something. He sees a woman in the shadows, everywhere he turns. He ignores the burning in his stomach and tightening of his throat and tries to outrun it.

[jeanandthedreamofhorses]

Of Gods, Monsters, and Men

“Man is by nature a social animal [...] Anyone who either cannot lead the common life or is so self-sufficient as not to need to, and therefore does not partake of society, is either a beast or a god.” - Aristotle

This diagram will make sense, I swear.

Part 1 - Humans, Gods, and Beasts

Aristotle’s tripartite system is profoundly embedded in the world of SNK.

Humans, the social animals, are the ordinary people who do not seek to make an individual mark on history, but instead live communal existences as cogs in a machine. The most important thing to them is usually the well-being of themselves and their loved ones.

They are considered weak as they do not struggle against the flow, but these very attributes are what make them human.

The vast majority of the human race fit into Aristotle’s definition of ‘social animals’, as that is the only way in which society can function. The existence of those ordinary humans, then, is worth preserving.

Those who are not social animals, but rather lead highly individual existences with the power to leave their own unique mark on the world, are Gods when viewed positively and Beasts when viewed negatively. Because they go against the flow and disrupt the status quo, they are demonised by those happy with that status quo and lionised by those who are not. In either scenario, they stand out from the crowd.

Gods are considered to be strong and special. 

The apex of this specialness is symbolised in the series through its pseudo-Gods, like Ymir Fritz, and those with godlike powers like the Ackermans and titan shifters, especially Zeke and Eren.

The entirety of the Eldian race, by virtue of the power to turn into titans, can also be considered special and so are lionised as gods by the Eldian nationalists.

However, they are considered Beasts by the rest of the world because of that same uniqueness. The apex of beastliness in the series is in the titans themselves, the ultimate ‘Other’. Nothing can be as estranged from the human social community as they are, as uniquely disgusting, uniquely powerful creatures.

With this tripartite system established, however, the series deliberately complicates all three of its boundaries. To begin with, let us examine the disintegration of the boundary between Beasts and Gods.

Part 2 - The ‘Other’

Beasts and Gods are ultimately the same thing - they are an ‘Other’, defined by their lack of dependence on their community and, consequently, their status outside of it. This separate status makes them an unsocial animal, and therefore, not human. Whether this inhumanity is a good thing or a bad thing - godly or beastly - is only a matter of perspective.

There is no better proof of this than the personage of Eren Jaeger. 

From the start, Eren has had no desire to be a ‘social animal’. He never catered to the opinion of the populace, and held them in outright contempt. 

He wanted to accomplish everything on his own, without relying on others.

He stuck to his dream of joining the Survey Corps no matter what anyone said, and won people round to his views instead of struggling to fit theirs.

Acting this way gained Eren a reputation as either a total idiot, as in Jean’s eyes, or as an example to be followed, as Connie, Sasha and the others saw him. When Eren’s titan power was unveiled, this dichotomy escalated: where Erwin saw humanity’s greatest hope, the Military Police saw an enormous threat to peace inside the walls.

He is seen as a beast or a god, but even before his titan powers were revealed, he would never let himself be considered a nobody. The values he nurtured - independence and the strength to go against the present flow - were part of his desire to become inhuman.

It is therefore thematically appropriate that someone so fixated on the inhuman should become a titan. In his efforts to become a god, he becomes the beast he sought to vanquish. For they are one and the same - and this goes for the titans, too. Their status as an Other, not merely as a beast, is what makes them the natural enemy of humanity.

Moral doctrines that try to sort beasts from gods and drive a hard wedge between them only serve to obscure the truth. 

The Church of the Walls is the best example of this exercise in futility. It reviles the titans as beasts and worships the Walls as gods for protecting them against such beasts - but the Walls themselves are titans too. The distinction between beasts and gods is thereby revealed as nothing more than a sham by the authors of public morality to keep the public in line. Indeed, how often is it the case that the devil of the new religion is the god of the old?

Like the Church of the Walls, both those who respect and revile Eren in the Final Arc observe the same truth about him in different lights: he is an Other. And they fight to the death to decide what kind of Other - a god, or a devil:

A murderer, or a messiah:

Gentle, or savage:

The fandom is no less divided over him than the characters are, each side assured of their rightness. He is either an incorrigible child or an enlightened superhuman, the most free or the most enslaved, unchanged or the most changed of all, a pit to be avoid or a height to which we might aspire. Eren is the circle that completes itself, both the best and the worst, a beast and a god. But whatever he is, he is nothing in between, nothing mediocre. He occupies extremes alone: that is what makes him special.

Eren is fundamental proof of the failure of our value systems. He is a thought experiment who manages to sit at both ends of the spectrum while neglecting the middle altogether. At this point, we may return to our diagram.

A horseshoe works much better than a straight line for our purposes. Eren sits between god and beast, good and evil, special and titan, but a world away from the multitude of humans at the centre of the horseshoe.

However, he was not always this way. His compulsion to move away from the herd is the same as ever, and that is likely what he means when he tells people he has never changed: but there was once a time when for all his efforts, he could not quite escape being a social animal.

The significance of this fact is monumental. Eren proves that the special and the human are not distinguished from birth, but that there is in fact a pathway between them. This leads us to our third part: the disintegration of the boundary between the Human and the Other.

Part 3 - The Philosopher

Like love, specialness is something you find when you’re not looking for it. Eren’s journey towards the special first began with his acceptance of his own normality.

Beforehand, behind his play at independence he longed for recognition and approval from others.

He was tired of never being taken seriously - by his neighbourhood bullies, by Mikasa, by Jean. They all dismissed him as either crazy or weak and in need of protection. He was so prone to flying out in a rage at this because they touched on his greatest insecurities - that he was really a nobody after all, and that he’d never amount to anything.

In this regard Eren had a great deal in common with Keith, who wanted above all else to prove that he was better than the rest and worthy of being admired.

This was why Keith’s story had such a big impact on Eren, and why it was placed at the end of the arc where he learns to accept being only human. One cannot become special for the sake of the approval of others. So long as you have that objective in mind, you will never be anything more than a social animal and therefore human.

It was only once Keith abandoned any hopes of being seen as special that he actually became so, when he committed the ultimate sacrifice away from the eyes of anyone living. He acted with his own conviction in his heart, and not the approval of anyone else.

So he can finally receive the title of hero - one he clearly did not expect to hear. And it is a compliment he extends to Magath, no longer feeling the need to raise himself above anyone else.

In Eren’s case, he first learned the true virtue of self-sufficiency in the crystal cave, where he saved his friends’ lives by choosing to trust in his judgement and power over everyone else’s.

Eren is shocked after his success, and the lesson does not fully sink in at first. But such sentiments as the one below...

...quickly evaporate in Eren’s next moral trial, the Serumbowl. He can no longer accept peaceful co-existence between people with different beliefs because their decisions directly threaten the lives of the people he loves. This is the moment he redirects his focus to the protection of his and his own, and in doing so renounces his care for the wider world. The revelation that he will crush that outside world into ashes reinforces his belief in this conviction as the only solution.

Thereon out, Eren embraces self-sufficiency. He chooses not to trust in his comrades and builds his power to the point that he no longer needs to take orders from anyone else. Any help he does employ - from the SC or from Zeke and his followers - is achieved through manipulation, where he is firmly in control.

He becomes self-sufficient to the extent that he even moulds the conditions of his own upbringing. It cannot be said that he is a social animal any longer. His independence allows him to surpass his humanity and become both beast and god - walking on heavenly planes in the one moment and rampaging as a skeletal monstrosity the next.

Eren passes from ordinary into special through his self-sufficiency and self-orientation. This rigid self-discipline, this self-transformation, is a practice which we might call - philosophy.

Eren?

A philosopher???

Yet this is the only way a human might become a beast or god. The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, whose works synchronise beautifully with SNK, added one crucial modification to Aristotle’s equation:

“To live alone one must be a beast or a god, says Aristotle. Leaving out the third case: one must be both - a philosopher.”

And when one really thinks about it, is the idea of Eren as philosopher so ridiculous? Summarising a philosopher as ‘one who seeks the truth’ - who has accessed more of the truth of the world than Eren? The Attack and Founding Titans give him access to literal worlds of understanding beyond the scope of any other. And although Eren is dense at the start, he grows increasingly introverted and soul-searching as the series progresses. I think it is by no means a stretch to claim that Eren has come into his own jaded sort of wisdom.

Furthermore, Eren’s restless striving for freedom, his ‘Will to Power’ in Nietzsche’s words, is so powerful that he became stronger than Mikasa could ever hope to be and hatched a plan that even Armin couldn’t predict. It is his force of will that has always allowed Eren to overcome his weaknesses. So too psychologically - his wanderlust has taken him beyond the pale of morality and so made him the series’ only real philosopher in Nietzsche’s sense of the word, as a creator of new values.

It is the drive for freedom, then, that can turn a human into a philosopher and by that means become special. The divide is that simple, that fragile. And so the monstrous Other is simply human: all too human.

Eren’s words to Ymir Fritz are the definitive illustration of this theme. Ymir, who possesses the heights of power as a pseudo-divinity, who lacks a shred of power as a slave, manages to still be human. What unites all three aspects, what allows them to co-exist, is that freedom to choose. The drive for freedom that turned Eren philosopher is what allows humans to roam into the territory of beasts and gods.

So, rather than a horseshoe, this process is best represented as a fishhook, where a pathway exists between the opposite ends of Human and Other. Through philosophy, through the discarding and creation of values, through the drive for freedom and the Will to Power, this gap can be bridged.

It is at this point we come back to the words of Eren Kruger, and consider the full weight of their meaning:

Whether an Other is a god or a beast is merely a matter of perspective - but so is the ability to become an Other in the first place. The titans of history, its movers and shakers, were not a species above and beyond. They were anyone, as human as you and me, only ones who embraced their freedom and made a courageous choice.

This is the purpose of the titans being revealed as humans. This is the purpose of the whole concept of titan shifting, where even such social animals as Reiner and Annie are elevated to the level of the special. This is the reason why mere humans are able to successfully combat the titan Others through their own skill and ingenuity. This is why our heroes possess such manifold weaknesses and flaws, to remind us that even people as average as Eren, as scrawny as Armin, and as cowardly as Jean were able to become special by choosing the Survey Corps - that is to say, by choosing freedom.

The world we inhabit is a sordid one. It’s sickening seeing the levels of cowardice people exhibit in all aspects of their lives. “I would help you, but...I would stand up to them, but...I would do something about it, but...” etc, etc, and people make excuses to run away from their problems every time. It’s enough to hate the world and everyone in it.

The message SNK delivers is able to restore this dwindling faith. Because no matter how disgusting human behaviour can be sometimes, in others and in ourselves, within every single human is the potential to become as beautiful as the characters we admire - to become someone special. A little bit of courage is all it takes.

That, to me, is what makes humanity worth something. Because it is through that metamorphosis into the special that we fulfil our function as human beings: creatures which have the choice to remain within their humanity or transcend it. Just possessing that potential is enough to make humanity a gorgeous species - and so, before accomplishing anything, Carla could value Eren simply for being born into this world. He doesn’t have to be better than anyone else, because it is a power we all possess.

This human potential to become both god and beast is what prevents the world from boring us to death. The beasts make it cruel, and the gods make it beautiful. And with gods and beasts being one and the same, there can be no world that is beautiful without cruelty, or cruel without beauty.

[blacksunscorpio]

Heya Scorp! I saw that Uranus will be going in retrograde soon?? How does that affect a Uranus dominant?? Or someone born during a Uranus Retrograde in Aquarius??

Uranus Retrograde

From Saturday, August 15th to Friday, January 1st, 2021, Uranus will go retrograde. Now, unlike Mercury retrograde that causes your past lovers to return unannounced or Neptune Retrograde that causes veils to be lifted and a few unsavory reality checks to hit you, Uranus retrograde can change the aspects in your life for the better. For good. On both a personal and world-wide scale. Uranus is all about sudden changes. Unexpected change. Innovation, Awakenings, and upheaval. It is also the modern ruler of Aquarius that leads the charge in humanitarianism and the civil rights of all peoples. Technology and revolution also fall under his umbrella.  So with that being said, the theme here is to adapt or be left out in the cold. Change, or die. You must be willing to adjust and transform in all areas of your life. The outer planets are merciless when it comes to the themes they rule. Don’t think they’ll cut you any slack. Just like Pluto will MAKE you transform and Saturn will MAKE you learn his karmic lessons, Uranus will do the same. It's here to teach us how to be unique and progressive individuals. So when the planet is retrograde, it's time to start processing, reviewing, and adapting to some of the unruly curveballs that will be coming our way. The good news is, Uranus' energy is halted, dulled, and brought to a manageable level, so that we may finally find a way to focus its brilliance and make use of it. Additionally, with the retrograde taking place entirely within the fixed sign of Taurus, we'll be going through a mental growth spurt and reassessment period when it comes to what we value financially, in relationships, and even in ourselves.

So, How Will This Affect Your Sign?

Aries

You, my firey cousins, will be facing some self-reflecting regarding your spending habits. Mars is all about impulsivity and action, and many of you may have gone a bit ham concerning impulse buys during 2020 [easy to do when you’re “bored in the house, bored in the house, bored" lol]. In these next 5 months, Uranus will teach you better saving methods. Download Credit Karma to check your credit score and stay on top of things. Open a line of credit so you can build. Yes, Uranus breaks but the foundation you’re left in is the perfect space to restructure.

Taurus

This retrograde is happening in your sign so much focus will be on the things your sign rules. Your finances, things of luxury, etc. These next 5 months will be the time to take risks and explore new sides of yourself and your life as a whole. You may surprise yourself with a newfound rebellious attitude that will allow you to take life by the horns [pun intended] and pursue the dreams you never had the courage to.

Gemini

Geminis are social and verbose by nature. Can’t be helped. Mercury is all about communication and he blesses his children with the gift-of-gab. However, during Uranus’ backspin, those ruled by the twins might find that less talk and more introspective silence is the road you choose to walk on. You might go into hermit mode, do soul searching. Meandering your opposite signs’ realm [Sagittarius] and thinking about more philosophical matters. A definite Uranian change to your normal routine. You may opt to keep a distance from friends, and romantic interests you think are up to no good. You’re focusing on yourself and curving drama.

Cancer 

My crustacean cousins, you may have been feeling quite sensitive throughout this year [with good reason]. Some of your sentiments may be tied to feeling the sting of being forgotten by people you care for. Perhaps they’ve let you down in some way or put certain priorities ahead of you. Instead of retreating into your shell, Use Uranus’ energy to focus on those stable and solid friendships. They’ll help you transform some of the more unstable connections into long-lasting and secure relationships that stand the test of time and allow you to feel comfortable again.

Leo

2020 has been a year of dramatic shifts and adjustments, especially in the work sector. Brace yourself because there are more surprises in the cards for you. Your hard work and dedication is apparent now and will pay off regardless of the circumstances. Uranus is blessing you sun ruled felines with promotions. You may triumph over competitors. But even though you are competitive by nature, always needing to be the best/shine you won’t be as thirsty for it. Uranus will gift these things to you. You’ll have opportunities to impress authority figures with your talents, acumen, and resume. NO worries. It’s still your season and the Sun hasn’t forgotten you. 

Virgo

You're mutable. Adaptable always changing. It’s your mercurial influence even though you are ruled by earth, Virgo. During Uranus’ 5 month backspin, you’ll make some shifts, and come to some realizations regarding relationships you’ve been involved in lately. You’ll be reconsidering the choices you often make out of habit and as a result, may be drawn to embrace 'unconventional' ideas regarding love and commitment.  You’ll be freeing your mind from the traditional critical thinking and embracing a new sultry vibe. It will feel liberating as well as exhilarating. Of course, your need for control will still cause you to make sure said relationship and rules are on your terms, lol. 

Libra

You’re on some next shit, Libra. Instead of your natural knack for balance, you’re getting more gall and audacity. You’ll receive some major shake-ups regarding work. Perhaps someone/a colleague will receive accolades you deem undeserving. This will cause you to want to demand more for your efforts. The backbone everyone thinks you don’t have is very much there. It will be strong as steel this retrograde season. Be sure to keep embracing your knack for diplomacy, Play chess not checkers. Try not to step on any toes due to pride or Hubris. You’ll get that balance you’re seeking. 

Scorpio

Uranus will give you the opportunity to transform many of your one-on-one relationships my fellow arachnids. I know many of us have a tendency to tread carefully when it comes to trusting others. Now is the time to let go of that Plutonian paranoia and Uranus will help you break out of your solid black shells. Reel in your stinger. Embrace the flow of this electric energy. You’ll be exploring new depths. Some surprises from the past [people] may come back around snd force you to reevaluate some of the grudges you’re holding. [Don’t try and front, I know you’re holding an encyclopedia's worth of them, lol]. You’ll be able to hear firsthand about their personal concerns, which will result in deepened intimacy between you both, platonic and romantic.

Sagittarius

Archers, your normally exuberant, and Juptierian energy may be a bit lacking.  Energy levels may be feeling at an all-time low. Uranus will allow that energy to return like a lightning bolt. Embrace the downtime you have in these next 5 months. Halloween especially for you will be an exciting time. You’ll be experiencing fresh perspectives, new insights, new levels of creativity, and a few surprise trips along the way.

Capricorn

The Goats. My executive friends, you’ll be dealing with a few of the same themes Scorpio is dealing with. So don't be surprised if this retrograde brings past paramours knocking at your door, begging for a [likely undeserved] second round at love with you. I know it may be difficult because you, like Scorpio, appreciate a controlled environment. You like taking the reigns and starting things yourself [cardinal energy]. Now, you still can, because this retrograde is happening in fellow earth sign. So stay grounded but allow some lightheartedness in. Some of these lovers may be too-little-too-late with their please for forgiveness but if you do decide to forgive them, let that be that. If you don’t, at least find some amusement in the fact that they can’t keep you off their minds. 

Aquarius

For those of you ruled by Uranus or Uranian dominant, this backspin, it’s possible you'll likely run into some unexpected struggles regarding your living situation. This isn’t all bad though, this is Uranus making you adapt. Teaching you to be responsible and adjust at a moment's notice to unforeseen circumstances. You’re unpredictable by nature so Uranus will cause you to act more like the earth sign it’s in this year and focus. If you were born with Uranus Rx, you may feel more at home with this energy. You’ll want to review some of the things that occurred during last year's retrograde transit around the same time. See how they compare to now. In regard to 2020, whether it’s a crack in the wall or a new paint job, you’ll be good and may experience a windfall or two. Spend the extra money to give your home the proper facelift it needs. The results will be agreeable.

Pisces

My Neptunian ruled friends, this Uranian retrograde may cause you to act very unlike yourself. Instead of living in dreamland, you’re working in your square sign’s realm. Gemini/Sagittarian energy so you may find yourself caught up in gossip or a bit of drama. Don’t feel bad, we all have our moments. Your mouth and mind are running a mile a minute. It may be hard to handle. Try to absorb the information yes but also work overtime to keep all the newfound information you come across under lock-and-key. Your mind will be strengthened and you’ll be able to honorably say you’re a tried and true confidant to those who trust you with their secrets. If you do not adapt, Uranus will make you.

Final Notes

The effects of this Uranus retrograde will be the strongest during the second half of October, when a Mercury retrograde in Scorpio forms an opposition with Uranus retrograde on Monday, October 19. This meeting is followed with a full moon in Taurus on Halloween, October 31. We'll feel the effects of the retrograde again on Monday, December 21, during the conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter in Aquarius. If you take away one thing and on things only from all this, remember, Uranus acts as an awakener, poking and prodding us to face those things which we may know intuitively in our third eye but struggle to accept. Such wake-up calls, which are often brutally timed, may force us to let go of parts of our ego-identities. Parts of ourselves that are rotting our energy cores. Just remember what happens in the next 5 months will be for your highest good. Many of you, regardless of sign, will find closure, especially in past relationships both platonic and romantic while also open to pleasant surprises. 

[moved-attre]

Here is my review of Cyberpunk 2077! It is a bullet point list of what I liked, and did not like about the game. I mean no offense in my writing, and am, of course, willing to be educated if I am wrong about anything! But please do not send me anonymous hate. I know many fans and haters of this game can be very, uh... So take it all with a grain of salt, and form your own opinions.

This is very long and likely boring so if you manage to make it to the end, I will be very impressed! Also, I may ramble or repeat myself, sorry. There’s more bad points than good, since the game is very glitchy and I couldn’t not mention the glitches I have experienced.

Obviously, this contains major spoilers! 👁👄👁

I’ll start off by saying, this is a game where you will likely not get what you expected. If you expected Cyberpunk 2077 to be a game filled with features that were never before seen, to revolutionise the gaming industry as we know it and become the most iconic video game ever made... You will not get that. If you expected it to be the worst, most irredeemable video game ever created that you’ll hate... You will not get that, either. If you expected a game that is a fairly standard RPG with some impressive graphics when played on a high spec PC, albeit with some bad glitches and a wonky story with lots of potential, then you’ve got it!

Pros:

The majority of the voice acting, such as in V, Johnny and Viktor, was very good and emotional. Viktor in particular made me tear up! And the way V manages to sound almost like Johnny with the subtle accent change was amazing!

The character’s such as Takemura, Jackie, the LIs, Johnny, Viktor, Misty (I could go on) and even many random NPCs were interesting! I wanted to know them and loved their relevant missions. The best ones were unromanceable, of course, but that’s what imagination is for.

THE ALDECALDOS! I love them! A found family, and I wish there was more to do with them other than Panam’s missions and a few side missions. I love found family, and I’m disappointed V couldn’t form their own, so I’ll take what I can get and love the Aldecaldos, even if V can’t join them until the very end. Panam had the best missions of all the LI’s, even if the last one felt very abrupt. (At least, on her friendship route.)

Night City felt alive. There was always plenty going on, it felt like a real city, and it could be beautiful.

Jackie and Corpo V’s friendship was lovely. I loved their “To this!” inside joke, and I loved how Jackie roasted V but would jump to their defence in a second. It didn’t feel forced at all.

There’s lots of environmental storytelling. The atmosphere of a city choking to death under it’s own pollution/corruption was very apparent in the areas not lived in by the rich. Lots of homeless characters, violence, drugs, absolute poverty, trash (The dump! I felt sick just looking at it, and I couldn’t even smell it! Poor V, though.) and general apathy from a lot of the residents really sold the concept.

Johnny and V’s dynamic was the best part of the story! I hated him at first, but slowly came to enjoy his commentary and advice. His interactions with V were very funny at times, and thoughtful at other times. He was an interesting perspective for the player to consider, while still being an asshole you could dislike for much of the story. He has some really emotional scenes and I played a V that viewed him as a friend, so it was really nice hearing him call V the closest person he’d ever had. They became so devoted to each other! CDPR did good with this element, but I can’t help wishing for more. The dynamic had so much more to give, and a romance/happy ending could have worked.

And to add on, the mission where Johnny takes over V’s body to go on a bender was great! I loved all the moments to play as Johnny in V’s body. All the symbolism between them was so good. Every mission matters, and you can replay to look closer at details! He also comments on other side missions with no personal relevance to him, which was neat.

All the enemies had unique names. A minor detail, but it made me feel some guilt over killing them. 🤣 I think all character’s had unique names, which is such a nice detail.

The soundtrack was incredible, I loved every original piece and radio song. I have several saved on Spotify, which is big praise coming from me! I very rarely listen to video game soundtracks.

V can adopt a cat! 🐈‍⬛ It was adorable, and Johnny’s interaction with it made me tear up!

The size of the map was good, not too big or too small. I got about 100 hours of play in by exploring, which is pretty good to me! I got lost a few times, but always found something interesting to do in the meanwhile. I loved the Badlands especially. 

Some of the side missions, particularly the more mysterious ones involving investigating deaths and the cyberpsychos, were very enjoyable! I’m a big slut for mystery, and there were some interesting cases to figure out. I wish we could’ve done missions like that with River, though, especially once he becomes a PI.

I was complaining about the lack of aliens in CP2077, but I suppose we did get a couple space themed missions which was pretty fun. I still want to go experience going into orbit, though. 👽 Or the moon!

Separating voice and body in the CC was a good idea, even if it was handled a little strangely. I’ll talk about this more in the ‘Cons’ section below!

Act 2 was my favorite part of the game, but it blended weirdly with Act 3 and that put me off. I am nostalgic for Act 1, but not eager to replay it because it felt so slow... I’m not sure on this point! I liked Act 2 because the story picked up and I was excited for more, but the more I got wasn’t as I expected. So, yes, Act 2 was good.

The scenery is very beautiful, and sometimes the outside lighting is absolutely perfect. The Arasaka parade mission was lovely to look at. I always stop the car and watch the sunrise/sunset, and I like going out to the Badlands to look at the stars!

An addition to that, is the lighting in some main quest missions. Very noir! It made for some beautiful screenshots. (Of which I sadly can’t share because my game doesn’t record well on medium settings. 😳)

The motorcycles are fun to drive! Mainly because I can zoom in between cars and Jackie’s motorcycle has a lot of sentimental value, as well as other vehicles like Johnny’s Porsche and Jake’s car. You can open the trunk to dump bodies in, which was a cool detail., and each one drives differently!

There could be amazing attention to detail, such as making Jackie look like his mother. I expected his mother to be a randomly generated NPC, but she was completely unique. It’s the minor things like that which stood out to me the most.

The scanner was a fun tool and very useful! I liked being able to find alternative ways to do a mission, it felt more realistic than the standard “massacre everybody, pick up an item and get out” fetch quests normally seen in RPGs. I could sneak in a tunnel or a side door! Perhaps irritating and unnecessary to some, but I liked it. I love utilising every possible option.

The interface color changes if you have Johnny controlling V’s body. Another small but good detail! The game is good with the minor details.

The sex scenes were not... awful. I expected much, much worse! I expected fully animated first person porn. Instead, I thought they were fairly realistic and intended to be romantic. Still very awkward, though, and unnecessary.

When they didn’t glitch, the animations were very good. Not as impressive as I hoped, probably because of glitches, but in line with other AAA games like Horizon Zero Dawn, I suppose? I noticed Judy’s animations in particular as being good, and Johnny had lots of unique ones too!

The clothing options are very fun, I like the holographic items and “Bitch” clothes, hehe. Also including Hijabs! 🧕 Great idea, and more games should do that.

The diversity of the NPCs was welcome. I enjoyed seeing Native American, Asian, Black and Latinx NPCs who weren’t there just to suffer! They would occupy important roles in the story, such as Fixers or friends/romance options for V, so they were pretty much unavoidable! It felt very natural, and they helped Night City feel more realistic.

Adding to that, the different cultures included were interesting too! I liked the Haitian characters in Pacifica.

The photo mode is pretty good. Not as good as I expected, the camera angle presets were useful but the filters weren’t very good. I liked that the photo mode could be used in cutscenes, though! It was standard, and I hope more bits will be added in for it.

A lot of the glitches are hilarious, but I recognise not all will share that opinion so I’m just adding this down here. The T-Posing NPCs are a highlight for me. Call that the Skyrim effect.

Cons:

No NB gender options/No pronoun options. Would they/them have been so difficult to implement?

No body or height sliders. There’s so many fat character’s in the game! Why can I not make my V fat? Or muscular?

Gender restrictive hairstyles and clothes. Come on, guys, it’s 2020/2077! Aren’t we beyond gender restrictive appearance options?

No tattoo parlours, no plastic surgeons and no hairstylists for V to change their appearance. I don’t understand why a CC was included at all, since we spent the majority of the game in first person. It reminded me of Far Cry.

The main story started off strong, albeit slow, picked up in Act 2, then felt very rushed in Act 3. The point of no return was very abrupt! 

The celebrity cameos felt very gimmicky. The one exception to this is Keanu Reeves, who did a very good job as Johnny. Genuinely brought tears to my eyes at times... but Grimes was just embarrassing! Why was she there! A talented VA could have done Lizzy Wizzy much better, giving her actual emotions instead of just monotone “boredom”.

I don’t know what the point of owning apartments is. You can only sleep in V’s bed, what is the point of looking in the mirror? V has no use for their terminal in their apartment, they never get any messages after the first time they meet Johnny. It was so unnecessary, especially when there’s several across the map. I can access the stash of weapons and clothes from my car! Why would I ever need to go home? Judy gives me her apartment and I’m like, girl, I’m never visiting unless you have a mission to give me.

Also, there are no penalties for not showering or sleeping. I wanted character’s to comment on that! Call me stinky or tell me I look exhausted!

V doing side missions makes no sense, and no explanation is given for why we can do them. Why would V, who is dying and has precious few days left to live, be driving for hours on end to deliver packages and shoot random criminals? When they could be figuring out how to survive the biochip! Who the hell would care about a some extra money or buying every available car for sale, when they’re dying of something that could be preventable?

Some side missions were either very poorly done or obviously majorly glitched, since it felt like they skipped important parts and I was often very confused at the end of them! For example, the Corpo V side mission was so short! I expected to be able to hunt down Abernathy and get revenge for V and Jenkins, but instead, I shoot some random assistant I don’t even remember? And that’s it? Done in 2 minutes! If that! What is the point of that? I didn’t even have fun! Also, what happened to Garry? I wanted to save him but V just never follows up on it.

And, I wish we got closure with T-Bug. The fact that V never bothers to find her body and give her a proper burial was just poor form. 

The endings were not... good. There are technically 6 different endings, all wrapped up into 3 parts. In my opinion, the best ending is the one where V kills themselves and has a very “Arthur Morgan watching his last sunset” vibe. It made me cry. Another good ending is having Johnny take over V’s body forever, as you can really see how much Johnny has changed as a person thanks to V’s influence. But they still felt very... eh and the story just never got that boost it needed, ending before it could take off. In the “best” ending, the Nomand ending with Panam, V ”survives” but has only another few months to live. So they die off screen. Satisfying? Uh, no. Not at all. There’s no possible ending where V has any hope of survival, but I much preferred being there with V until the very end. I disagree with the people calling Johnny’s ending the “bad” ending, because it really isn’t! I ignore all of this of course, and my V is living happily ever after.

I kind of hate that CP2077 has this illusion of options when some are clearly intended to be chosen more than others. Judy and Panam have the best endings in term of romance. Why bother with River and Kerry? Kerry is more of a fling than an actual romance, and is met very late in the game at a point where you can ignore him completely and just end the game, and River’s romance is so glitched that many people can’t even do it fully, and in every ending he dumps you, so it feels like none of it mattered to him despite him being the most “domestic” of the possible LI’s...

Takemura’s ending! He died in my playthrough, because the game didn’t tell me I could save him. That really annoyed me. Also, I recognise that V is in no place to lecture him, and there is some wisdom to his quote: “You speak against corporations yet offer no valid alternative.” But, Goro, bro... anything is better than fascist mega corporations keeping most of the city in absolute poverty, while waging devastating wars against other mega corporations? I wish we could have opened his eyes a little. There’s a good, even ground between Takemura believing Corps to be doing the best for humanity and Johnny being willing to kill 12k people for a revolution. This game went a little “capitalism is bad, but the alternative is worse!” at times, in my opinion. I wish more could have been done against the corporations, instead they just kind of... exist... in the background. And I know, “Realism! “ because we live with massive corporations like Amazon in our lives and can do fuck all about them but we’re not V. V is an absolute unit who survives death multiple times... I wish there had been two paths, like do Johnny’s path and work against the system or do Takemura’s path and work with the system? Sort of like The Witcher 2?

You know how in Saints Row, The Boss has homies they can call on for help? I wanted V to have homies to help them out in fights. It felt pointless building trust with the Fixers only to not have them help out at all with fights against the NCPD/Militech/Arasaka in their territories. 

The stealth mechanics are not good. They are funny! But not very good. Often, It’s better to just attack and save yourself the trouble of sneaking only to get caught by a guard who can see through the back of his head.

The fact that you cannot get arrested and have someone bust you out of jail. Maybe RDR2 set my expectations too high, but I thought this would have been included.

I’ve read about the cut content, and I’m really disappointed they weren’t included in the game. Wall running would have been amazing! And the police hiring mercs to hunt V down? I would have loved to see it! 😔

Driving cars is terrible. Just awful. Sometimes, you crash. Other times you’re flung up into the air and break through the sky into the void, spinning for all eternity.

River’s glitched romance deserves a special mention. The relationship just drops off suddenly and you cannot interact with him properly again. It does not affect the main story at all, so you wonder, what was the point? The text messages also glitch and V will sent messages that you can’t control, leading to disappointing dialogue, like with Joss.

The romances in general were just not all that impressive. I was expecting something great, considering there was only 4 and thought they’d really affect the main story, but I’d only recommend Panam and Judy. I would have played the game just as well without romances, and they felt very unnecessary but I wanted to do one to get the most possible story content. I think we should all leave romances in RPG’s as the exception, not the norm. Some studio’s can do them well, other’s cannot. CDPR cannot, in my opinion...

Obviously the many glitches and bugs, several of which are game breaking. I usually have to reload a save at least once an hour, because an NPC won’t talk to me or I can’t move the mouse to select different dialogue options! Or my gun won’t equip, so I die.

The AI in general is very bad. Sometimes cars will stop in the middle of junctions for no reason, causing you to crash or mount the sidewalk to get past, meaning you’ll likely run someone down and get a police warrant. NPCs just walk from one end of the road and back again, over and over on a loop. It’s very creepy!

The lighting, mostly inside buildings. Everything is pitch black! Why does V not own a flashlight? The amount of enemies I’ve barrelled into and alerted because I couldn’t see is too much.

The lack of dialogue choice, it was less interactive than what I’d been told to expect. There was only two or three options, with one only ever rarely being unique to one of V’s three possible background choices and most will yield the same results with a few exceptions, like avoiding combat.

V’s personality is already decided by the game, and is not really customisable. Do not expect full control over your V’s personality, as they are very much a canon character and exist outside of your (limited) choices. I didn’t expect Baldur's Gate 3 levels of customisation, but I did expect something more like Dragon Age 2’s dialogue wheel? Nice, Sarcasm and Angry? You know?

Obviously, the seizure inducing scenes were very dangerous. I get a headache whenever I have to do a braindance, and I wish it was skippable!

Accessibility as a whole is very much an afterthought in this game, I think. The subtitles are in “speaking English”, so instead of: Hey, how are you? It’s: Heyyy, how’re ya? It is often difficult to understand, and sometimes I just couldn’t work out what was being said.

It’s nitpicky but I wanted to do a pacifist route and I realised you can’t, you need to kill certain character’s... 

The main “villains” such as Yorinobu and Adam Smasher were very forgettable, and V had no personal stake in taking them out. I honestly forgot all about them. Takemura was talking about revenge and I’m like, who? Who are you talking about? Why are we kidnapping Hanako Arasaka, again? Johnny, why would I bother killing Adam Smasher? If they’d personally murdered Jackie, then yeah, I’d understand! But all V needs is to remove the chip and I don’t know... I just didn’t feel anything.

So, to summarise: I think CDPR were out of their depth. The long, very long, troubled development process was an indication of this before the game was even released, and the story I’ve experienced in the game is proof enough. I don’t think they knew what they wanted from this game, and as a result, we have a game that is honestly very confusing and frustrating with a story that always got close to gripping, but never quite makes it. All in all, I found this game to be pretty average. When the bugs are ironed out, I will think better of it. But as it stands, if I had to score it, I would give it a 6.5/10 or maybe 7/10. Good concept, somewhat misguided execution. The best part of the game was the Johnny/V dynamic, but I wasn’t satisfied with how it ended. They needed more time together! Anyway, it will be interesting to see what happens next. 

[blaster-aichi]

Cardfight!! Vanguard Extra Story IF 20 things

changing up the formula for the week

12 seconds in and we’re threatening murder, a new record.

What did we do to deserve Miwa and what did he do to deserve the treatment he gets from the writers?

When there are only bits and pieces of his original memories coming through, having the most nightmarish moment be one of them, one could only imagine how unsettling it is for one poor ultra-soft boy. And if it might cause him to sympathize with Aichi’s belief in brief moments, from undeniable proof that engaging in Vanguard has hurt a number of people around them.

Weekly yearning for the relationship between Outside World and IF World to get an explanation rises.

IF continuing with the softest Kai-kun faces, cause of death determined. That is all.

The fact that Morikawa’s dismissal serves towards the plot is startling, but at the same time, in-universe, it’s still baffling why he was chosen as opposed to anyone else. Perhaps because of his role in Aichi’s actively playing the game? But otherwise, drawing a blank.

There is a lot to say about the Kourin/Miwa scene, see below.

Semi-sortof-half-right about the Miwa/Takuto collusion but also see below.

Weekly yearning for the relationship between Outside World and IF World to get an explanation intensifies.

The Dinner Table Scene. Rena.exe has stopped working. See below, I flip the table.

This is the most adorable thing ever and boys, PLEASE.

Miwa picks up the mantle of roasting characters, the KaiMiwa is strong.

Pot. Kettle. Mirror. Bitch?

The choice to have Dragonic Overlord’s Deletion visually mirror its occurrence during the cardfight-based season is a strong choice; due to its haunting Kai-kun since it penetrated the IF illusion, and his facing Ibuki without letting any distress showing, in spit of what he’s seen, it demonstrates just the strength of his character and builds on his being able to take the punches and roll with them thus far.

Everyday, I relate to Kai Toshiki even more.

Very much appreciate Emi chiming in where Ibuki is concerned because though the emphasis is on his relationships with Kai-kun, Miwa and Suiko, their time understanding one another in episode 7 remains a personal favourite thing from the season.

Suiko’s intervention to protect Emi and Shuka; yes, yes, yes! Best big sister doing her thing.

Along the same line of thought; Miwa taking the bullet to save Kai-kun feels a natural conclusion to his role within IF, but also playing upon how he stressed Kai-kun’s happiness was his priority in his cardfight with Neve. His strongest trait through the franchise has been his dedication to his best friend, no matter the cost to himself, and seeing that occur in the literal sense feels as though it was always a case of when, not if. Although with the likely remaining time left in the season and its focus, there won’t be a spotlight shone on it again or for Kai-kun to really convey his feelings about it, it was nice to see and think about through the day after.

Episode 102: the KaiMiwa edition.

All Hail the Overlords and their Realizing.

Kai-kun takes back his other part-time job of literally roasting people with Miwa gone.

Though it’s likely down to how he was recruited into the Sanctuary Knights (and his past being repaired erasing the entire ordeal from his perspective), Ibuki’s lost memories of joining them begs the question of the fate of everyone’s memories once the timeline is fully restored, given it hasn’t been made clear if there are two different versions of characters that exist or their Outside World selves pulled inside and overwritten to fit IF’s continuity. Cases such as Emi, Aichi and Kourin in particular, seeing as Naoki, Shingo and Miwa have thus far retained their memories of IF despite returning Outside.

Not entirely sure why Kourin is so aggravated by the Sanctuary Knights’ numbers thinning when Naoki, Shingo and Miwa felt much more like nuisances to her and it means she’s alone on Aichi’s side. But okay, play cosmic fuckery with your sisters.

IF 21 preview

Rekka sighted. Hopes raised for her re-entering the story properly raised. Hopes realized when the preview caps from Bushi’s Twitter confirm as much

The season that continues its joke of memeing anime deaths.

With the perspective of Kourin’s weekly nightmarish face and the typical use of the angle, eager to see the girls getting the upper-hand over her, as it dawned on me that Naoki and Shingo had weekly stints being the main antagonistic force but Kourin, in essence, is on four and counting. And with the jarring fact that Aichi’s just sitting back, possibly oblivious, possibly not?

The unidentified Sanctuary Knight in the preview had gotten hopes up that Misaki was finally entering the fray but the aforementioned tweet popped that like a Genshin Impact Anemo slime. Rude.

the four breakdowns (for comical effect, it was one Wild call)

Takuto: From what’s been shown of Takuto, one could summise that he’s unable to leave Sanctuary by some force Aichi (or Kourin, with or without using Aichi to do it) has imposed on him, but considering his position, his personality doesn’t quite fit. With the gravity of the situation, particularly when he had pinpointed Aichi as the strongest Psyqualia fighter and (Destiny Conductor) personally input extra restraints to keep him under control, with him being the enemy, it's puzzling how Takuto is so lax. Even more in that he didn’t use Miwa as a means of passing on any message to the other Tatsunagis. While he couldn’t be expected to know Ren and Rekka were dispatched specifically to find him, one would imagine it was natural there would be someone coming and he may have been able to offer anything from within Sanctuary and its populous. But apparently not.

Kourin: To be honest, the way in which Kourin is being handled rubs me the wrong way, and in a different way from Legion Mate (if anything, its the very opposite problem to then in some regards). It appears to be a sentiment spreading among viewers, at least from what have been able to discern. But in regards to this episode alone, she’s proven herself atrocious at her job. Why wander around a public school in her Sanctuary Knight uniform? Why alert Miwa to her being outside the door? Why divulge essentially her entire job description when all he said was her name? Why are you hovering in a public school? Also has no room to talk about Suiko and Ibuki with how she is around Aichi, let alone around the other Sanctuary Knights and playing bodyguard between the two. It feels with each week she becoming even more territorial and possessive of Aichi.

The Dinner Table Scene: This was initially what really stood out as jarring. The scene feels out of place in many regards; from Aichi’s behaviour to its serving no purpose (not when Takuto’s very last line right before it already established they’re two peas in a pod).                  If anything, it strikes as antithetical to IF Aichi until this point; it’s possible to excuse his lack of reacting to Naoki’s removal from the scene in 18 as being kept in the dark to keep him from struggling to process the news, but with the time that’s passed and losing two others, there’s no way in hell he isn’t aware. Yet he isn’t fazed, not even when Vanguard has essentially ripped away people from him and played right into his beliefs.                 The choice of setting is peculiar; was it just for the gag of Ibuki having a biscuit for a meal? (does Kourin get groceries in her uniform too?) To be truthful, it feels like the two could have met elsewhere in the castle — the throne room, Aichi’s quarters, a corridor where the city could be seen through a window with Ibuki’s back to it (or it behind Aichi so Ibuki could watchthe view past him) — whether Kourin was involved or not, but additionally, Aichi’s acceptance of Ibuki (and in spite of their past and the Deletion, which hazard a guess he remembers in full) simply doesn’t feel coherent. With how vicious they were to one another, even with the dust settling and them both moving on plus Ibuki’s role in IF thus far, wouldn’t it make sense that there would be some tension between them? The scene as a whole encapsulated some of the concerns that had at points during the season, though it’s redeemed itself with some. But where Aichi is concerned, I worry greatly it’s much like Legion Mate where it feels they don’t know what to do with him and are putting off him making a move personally until the end, drawing out Kourin and the new element of fuckery with characters’ pasts.                    Don’t want to get down on this season, it’s got its highs and lows like any other, but the episode in particular was concerning and this scene was the pinnacle of those feelings. It could sweep those worries aside with a great episode (for like the fourth time because it keeps coming back strong when alarm bells ring).

The Pacing: Courtney initially mentioned the episode feeling rushed and when sitting down and thinking it over, have to say that agree. Assuming IF is running a tight schedule with OverDress around the corner, it probably wouldn’t have had the time, but it may have benefitted from the episode being drawn across two. It would have allowed time for Kai-kun and Suiko to try and grapple with Ibuki turning coat, as well as draw out the tension of his being on the enemy’s side, the rapid resolution takes away the threat that has been made to Suiko in her own predicament, and Miwa could have been allowed more time to fully flesh out his actions thus far, as well as anything else that his meeting with Takuto could have provided. Though we’re all well familiar with him, there could have been more glmpses into the unique friendship he has with IF Kai-kun and how it might have contrasted their Outside World’s selves’.

Probably debunked super-fast again but will dream:

Misaki’s absence due to her being Aichi’s Sanctuary Knight secret weapon:

Stemmed from the glimpse of the Sanctuary Knight in the preview and the hype that it might have been Misaki’s re-introduction to the story, given her disappearance since epi 8, even when Kamui returned and Shin filled in her gimmick at Card Capital in epi 16. With the emphasis on Miyaji in Reboot, her lack of presence has been particularly strange, with not so much as a passing mention other than her appearance in the ED. Judging by Kourin and Aichi alone appearing in the preview, it feels safe to say she, Naoki and Shingo won’t be a part of the illusion being forced upon Suiko, prolonging this. Maybe Izumi is simply busy with other work and reading too much into it, but dreamt up a theory for the heck of it.

Whether to recruit the Miyaji Cardfight Club as a whole or in response to identifying Kourin’s apparent independent agenda, Aichi brought Misaki aboard, keeping her a secret from even Kourin and the other Sanctuary Knights. With Kourin overstepping her boundaries and their numbers withering, Aichi’s patience runs out and Misaki is revealed, usurping Kourin’s place by Aichi’s side and delivering a devastating blow to her, who has been fiercely loyal to him but recognizes how far gone he has been driven. Misaki’s appearance is coupled with her verbally tearing into Kourin and dealing her comeuppance (which honestly, she really deserves and has for some time now), Aichi may or may not be there so that the sight of himself and Misaki continuing on without her twists the knife.

It would also echo the interactions between the Psyqualia Zombie Aichi and Misaki, with Kourin watching on helplessly with Naoki and Shingo. Just thought it’d be a neat call-back.

[honeymoonjin]

day 15

“we all fucked (up)”

How ever long it might have seemed to have taken me to write my response to day 14 cannot even compare to how long it has taken me to actually work through my feelings for day 15. Because despite the heart to heart Y/N had with Jimin and Tae, the heart to heart filled with apologies and funny quips that the whole group had at the table (brownie points galore for utilizing the dining table as the setting for the scene bc it re-establishes the group’s dynamic in a communal space which the dining table symbolizes!!!) which follows with a full on closet sex scene before rounding it all off with an actual orgy, I just want to talk about the date. Here’s the issue I run into though… I loved all of those scenes I mentioned and I want to give you credit for how well you wove each of them so seamlessly into the story. They were necessary not only for the progression of the story but they were integral to the progression of character exploration. Because, let’s be real, the sex is but another tool used to break down characters in this verse.  

For example, I loved the exchange shared between Hoseok and Jimin. One of the things that you did so well early on in the story was that you established that despite Jimin and Hoseok being doms who are both well versed in the industry in their own way, their opposing personalities reveal more about their own values and their preconceived notions of the world around them rather than the other way around. Yet characters who embody different perspectives aren’t enough; to truly explore their character themes, the story must find ways of testing the characters’ beliefs. Jimin’s strip scene, the incident of day 14, and the resolution at the dining table placed them in situations uniquely designed to attack their beliefs. This challenge gave both characters a chance to put their feelings and personalities on display. Similarly to Jimin being a mirror for Jungkook in Day 14, Hoseok and Jimin are constant foils for each other over the course of the story. They might never truly get along but there is an underlying implication that at the very least, they don’t hate each other. This sentiment was best encapsulated in their limited but very telling dialogue exchange throughout the chapter. 

And communication is so important in this chapter. It plays a huge role during the date that Yoongi and Y/N go on. In fact, communication is the reason I have dubbed their date as ingenious. From the dialogue exchange in the car ride to the restaurant to Yoongi revealing that he was able to secure a table at his brother’s high end restaurant, there is a sense of Yoongi wanting to impress Y/N. The joke that he tells her and the tone of the dialogue he shares with her all reflects a more “polished” Min Yoongi as opposed to the guy who licked cum off Y/N’s face earlier that day. This polished tone continues in Yoongi’s desire to treat Y/N out to a luxurious night on the town over good food which just happens to be financially beneficial to him. This small fact though is telling in its own way: as a doctor, the audience understands that this is not a reflection of Yoongi’s lack of funds to pay for the meal but rather that he is not a frivolous person despite enjoying the finer things in life. Thus, treating her to such extravagance shows how much he values her opinion of the night and by extension him as a potential partner. Unfortunately, Yoongi’s well laid plans crumble under circumstance thus the two are left with a dilemma. When Y/N offers a solution, Yoongi’s willingness to go along with her suggestion shows that he not only respects and values her opinion but that they are on equal footing in their pseudo-relationship. The maturity shown in his actions continue to be one of my favorite aspects of the story and is why week after week, I find myself more and more taken with him. As the scene moves to the local “golden arches” establishment, we see that facade that Yoongi wore earlier in the night slowly melts away, leaving behind a side of Yoongi akin to the man who took care of Y/N after the intense scene they had together earlier that week – open, warm, attentive. This dichotomy reveals to the audience that the unimposing Yoongi is only ever coaxed out by Y/N when he feels like he needs to comfort her. The conversation that follows would be the second time that Y/N has confided in Yoongi that week – something she has not done so explicitly with anyone else on the show. One could argue that this could be because Yoongi is the most detached person from all of the drama on this show but that is not what their relationship dynamics imply. His ability to rationally speak about his feelings does not mean that he is detached to them; in fact, it might imply deeper feelings of connection because he knows how much he has to lose. Yoongi’s relationship with Y/N is beyond something as fickle as lust or as complicated as romance. It feels like the building blocks of a true friendship based on mutual respect, a desire for the other to share their thoughts and opinions, and deep understanding of their partner. And, at the end of the day, is there anything sexier than being truly understood?

Which brings us full circle. Yoongi and Y/N’s night begins with Yoongi questioning Y/N (and implicitly asking the audience) “[are you] ready?” This set up can have multiple implications as this could refer to the night’s event itself (which are anything but conventional) or refer to the impending elimination round which Y/N has spent the day lamenting about. Either way, I doubt anyone of us could truly be ready for what is about to happen in the coming chapters. The audience is left very much like Y/N when she was asked if she was ready: we are “as we’ll ever be.”

Thank you once again for the spectacular addition to this verse. If you can’t tell, I had an amazing time with this chapter! You delivered for me what I did not expect and I was left speechless for hours, turning the events that unfolded in this chapter over and over again. I hope you know how much I absolutely adore this series and that I cannot wait to see what you have in store for the next chapter! Thank you for all of your hard work; your magic is truly the gift that keeps on giving. 💜 Jan 

---

ahhh jan i’m so happy you liked it !! as always you seem to be more introspective about my characters than sometimes even i am, and it honestly feels like the story and the characters improve as we go thanks to your thoughtful comments and analyses.

you’re totally spot on about jikook and jihope being foils for each other. criticising other people usually just reflects more on the speaker, and jimin disapproving of the way hobi plays the game just exposes how he’s started caring less about the game and more about the people himself. we start to see that it’s less of a factor of actually hating each other, but rather seeing their own flaws in an external context and not liking it. 

in terms of the date, woo, you’re so right about yoongi !!!! he likes the finer things in life but isn’t wasteful or prideful about it. he’s not taking her to a nice restaurant to show off the weight of his wallet, but because he wants to treat her. so when the booking falls through, he’s happy to let yn take the lead. even if he grumbles, he’s just a gentle softie on the inside ;;-;

i love writing scenes w yn and yoongi because i feel like theirs is a more intellectual and understanding relationship. their ability to be honest with each other brings them closer on a level that yn doesn’t yet have with the others. you’re right, yoongi isn’t necessarily detached, i think he’s just more capable of being calm and reasonable and seeing the bigger picture, particularly when feelings come into play.

As for what’s in the future for our friends in the villa? We’ll have to see how elimination goes next Tuesday ;)

thank you so much jan and i hope you have a great week xxxxxxxx

[watching-movies-alone]

Dunkirk (2017)

I would like to start this off with the disclaimer that I am very, very, gay for Christopher Nolan.

Christopher Nolan's Dunkirk is a cinematic masterpiece, and here's why.

A common complaint I hear when I proudly proclaim that Dunkirk is my favourite movie is “but there’s no dialogue!” In  a world where people are constantly and consistently in contact with one another, this bleeding into movies where the art of nonverbal communication perhaps isn’t as appreciated as it could be, leaves Dunkirk’s notable deviation from this as a key turn-off for cinemagoers. Instead focusing more on the intense, subdued, emotions of the actors (a very difficult feat to produce) and the riveting visuals and soundtrack, Christopher Nolan brings a new type of storytelling to the big screen.

While many films can fall into either the “intellectually engaging” or the “passively engaging” categories, both finding their way to the theatre with the same amount of dialogue, most cinemagoers have a sense of what they would be walking into. With Dunkirk, this sense of familiarity in the category of “intellectually engaging” films, such as thrillers, is thrown out the proverbial window. With the lack of dialogue, audience members have to pay more close attention to what is going on, so the already demanding film becomes riveting. Hans Zimmer’s soundtrack, an excellent combination of electronic sounds and orchestra, adds to the depth of the film, with beautiful touches such as the insistant ticking of a clock, which does not stop until Tommy, a main character, is safe. In addition, the thriller also bears Nolan’s signature storytelling from a not-exactly-linear timeline, something that sets him apart from other directors in his genre. This movie is many firsts for Nolan, including being his first war film, first film with multiple protagonists carrying the story, and his first movie shot entirely on location.

Dunkirk (2017) follows a three-fold story of the historic events that occurred in 1942 at a beach in Dunkerque, France. At this point in the Second World War, British and French troops have been isolated and surrounded by the Germans, with nearing 400,000 men lined up, waiting, hoping, for a way home twentysomething miles away across the Channel. Nolan expertly intertwines the journeys of three groups of people (his first film to follow a collection of people rather than a single protagonist), under the titles “1. The Mole / One Week”, “2. The Sea / One Day”, and “3. The Air / One Hour”. ‘The Mole’ follows those on the ground during the event, mostly young soldiers drafted for the war effort, our protagonists here being Tommy (Fionn Whitehead), Gibson ( Aneurin Barnard), and Alex (Harry Styles), who find themselves constantly back on the beach from multiple thwarted attempts at fleeing to safety. ‘The Sea’ follows the courageous Mr. Daweson (Mark Rylance), his son Peter (Tom Glynn-Carney), and their young friend George (Barry Keoghan) as they make their way across the channel to rescue the men stranded at Dunkirk aboard the leisure boat the Moonstone. ‘The Air’, which witnesses the three timelines converging in that hour, follows Spitfire pilots Farrier (Tom Hardy) and Collins (Jack Lowden) as they provide aerial cover for the civilian boats and the soldiers on the beach by engaging in dogfights with the German Luftwaffe, buying time for those below.

"There are four hundred thousand men on this beach."

Living up to his reputation for nonlinear storytelling, Nolan reasserts his claim to the throne in his synthesising of the unique perspectives. While visually stunning at a first look, it is in the second watch of Dunkirk that the mastery of Nolan’s detailing is noticed: in the background of scenes on the boat with George and Mr. Daweson, the Spitfires of Collins and Farrier can be seen in a dogfight with the Germans. As men are boarding the civilian boats on the beach, Farrier, on an empty tank, glides over thousands, as he fights off remaining German aircraft. Rather than ham-handedly spoon feeding the audience the going-ons of the action, and delivering the plot in a linear fashion, with ‘The Mole’ comprising the majority of the first two-thirds of the film, introducing ‘The Sea’ in the final third and ‘The Air’ in the last few minutes, the audience would missed a lot of the buildup in apprehension that the nonlinear deliverance allows for, dismantling the sense of carefully-constructed ambiguity of the dangers present in favour of producing a traditional, and tired, progression arc with a slower beginning leading to a final battle before a resolution. With the nonlinear deliverance, this arc more closely resembles an intense squiggle, like angered spaghetti, as the action ebbs and swells much like the waves on the beach itself.

The choice to have not the dialogue drive the film, but the visuals and soundtrack, was a bold one. Most movies that enter the Hollywood radar are rich in their dialogue, ranging from playful banter to clever one-liners, to incredibly moving lines with excellent deliverance. Nolan’s Dunkirk deviates here once again, as it’s minimal use of dialogue adds to the sense of urgency, what being said serving to provide clues to the thoughts of the characters that reinforce the atmosphere around them. A line that expertly conveys the sense of dread and hopelessness is an exchange between Commander Bolton, the man overseeing the maintenance of the mole, and Colonel Winnant, the highest-ranking Army official on the beach, the Commander stating, voice of strained exasperation, “Christ, you can almost see it from here,”, and when the Colonel questions to what he is referring to, there is a far-off look in the Colonel’s eyes that grows impossibly more stressed when he gives the one-word response “home.” This is later accentuated when the men discuss how Churchill wants thirty thousand men home, with hope of forty five thousand being returned from the beach, and the dismayed (and overheard) admittance that there are four hundred thousand men on the beach. This brief exchange packs a double emotional punch for the audience, as it shows how even the officials are losing optimism for an even partial recovery, and the cut to Tommy and Gibson, who have snuck underneath the mole, hearing this and knowing they should redouble their efforts to get off that beach.

The deviation from what is considered the ‘norm’ for movies, in the sparse use of dialogue, is an empowering feature of the movie. When characters voice their thoughts, it is more of a reflection of their environment (understandably), but it does not clutter the scene with action-based dialogue (such as repeated curse words or shouts serving as rallying cries), instead allowing the audience to more fully experience what the characters are -- the audience will fill in the space typically reserved for that dialogue with their own thoughts, as if they were the character. It allows for a further degree of not only sympathy, but empathy for these war-beaten soldiers, these naïve schoolboys striving to make their peers proud, these pilots stranded on a reserve of fuel they don’t know the extent of. One of the instances of this that clues in the audience to the extent of the danger, without going into an in-depth backstory of how the characters got to the beach, why the men are stranded, et cetera, is present in the first act of the film, with the sentiment being echoed at the final act, tying the scenes together in a way that causes the audience to empathise more fully with those in the Royal Air Force. After narrowly escaping a demise at the hands of the Luftwaffe’s ME-109 aircraft, a dismayed man shouts up at the sky, “Where’s the bloody air force?”, a key aspect in the audience’s perception of the scene and the stakes at hand. As the audience will learn later, the RAF had been recalled to England, as a preparation for an all-out defense for the English there against the Germans. What this line does in the moment, is intensify the action which had just occurred prior, where we can see men being killed in the explosions raining down on the beach, Tommy nearly being one of them. It also explains the mechanical response afterwards, of the men who can still stand doing so, those who couldn’t, didn’t, and the dead lay where they were. Very little being spoken especially after such an event magnifies the weariness of the soldiers on the beach, everyone knowing what to do, more ‘rolling with the punches’ than fighting back. One man had bravely raised a rifle to fire at the incoming bomber with no success, others had not even attempted, perhaps knowing that their efforts would be futile. The resonance of this sentiment is found at the end of the movie, when the passengers of the Moonstone are unloading from the boat, and one man from another boat catches sight of  the pilot Collins, who had been rescued by the Dawesons prior, in his RAF uniform, shouting after him “Where the hell were you?!”, Collins being very affronted by this, as he was shot down, is reassured by Mr. Daweson. Mr. Daweson looks over to him, reassuring Collins, motions towards the men filing off of the Moonstone, “They know where you were.” Once again, this is an example of the brief exchanges in the movie that allow for more to be understood by the audience than would be the case had this not been included. The audience had seen the effort Collins put in before he was grounded, so their emotions are very caught up in the exchange, wanting Collins to say something to defend himself, and when Mr. Daweson instead consoles him, the viewer has a sense of relief.

To conclude with that thought, it is the sparse dialogue that allows for the audience to more naturally connect with the characters and empathise with them, feeling more as if they are part of the experience, instead of simply being an outsider looking in at the goings-ons of Dunkirk.

Now, what had earned Dunkirk four awards from various programs was the sound mixing and editing. A vital aspect of the film itself is the soundtrack, which ebbs and flows with the course of events in the movie. The soundtrack was composed by Hans Zimmer, who has aided in the composing of the soundtracks for over one hundred films, with a diverse portfolio, ranging from The Lion King (1994), Sherlock Holmes (2009), Castaway (1986), and 12 Years A Slave (2013). Zimmer’s masterpiece of a soundtrack serves to drive the film and the audience’s reaction to it, with seemingly ‘calm’ scenes that would otherwise cause for no sense of alarm bringing an intense feeling of dread to the viewer, the music swelling with anticipation. Once again examining the ticking of the clock, the clock does not stop ticking until Tommy himself is off of the beach and home in England. The ticking adds to the sense of danger present throughout the entirety of the story, deepening the visuals of being on a wide expanse of beach, covered by hundreds of thousands of men, waiting, where there is no shelter from the trickle of Stukas flying overhead, the men like “fish in a barrel”. In building anticipation, a scene where Farrier is in his Spitfire, and there hasn’t been sight of a Stuka in a suspicious amount of time, the prolonged shot of Farrier arm-in-arm with the swelling of the music. Faster-paced numbers such as ‘Supermarine’ and ‘Oil Slick’ increase the sense of dread, almost forcing the audience to pay closer attention to the screen, waiting anxiously for what happens next, even if ‘it’ doesn’t end up happening.

"We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields and in the streets. We shall fight in the Hills. We shall never surrender."

The combination of Nolan’s signature non-linear storyline, Zimmer’s breathtaking and adrenaline-heightening soundtrack, the commanding visuals and superb cinematography brings forth a masterful work. Dunkirk is a unique film, there isn’t a movie, war, thriller, or not, that shares these traits on a comparable level. Watching the film again and again, I still feel like I am watching it for the very first time. Not in the sense that it becomes ‘overly predictable’ or ‘bland’, but in that the aspects that make the movie what it is, it is completely riveting, every time seeing it brings forth a new appreciation of  the painstaking attention to detail and the dedication of all those involved with the film. It is a true masterpiece, a commanding cinematic experience that film analysts, cinemagoers, adrenaline junkies, and any who choose to see it, will appreciate for its individuality.  

Cinematography: 95

Screenwriting: 100

Delivery: 95

Average:

97%, A+

[bigskydreaming]

Classism isn’t just about how much physical wealth a person or family does or doesn’t have. Sure, that’s a major part of it, but its not like...purely confined to how much or how little money a person has throughout the course of their life.

If it was, then concepts like ‘old money’ and ‘new money’ literally wouldn’t even exist. There are tons of families who have inherited and passed on their wealth through generations, aka old money...who sneer and look down upon self-made millionaires who came into their fortunes by means that these other people term ‘common’ or unsophisticated or tacky or simply...choose not to approve of. So as to still justify seeing them as lesser.

Like, someone who spends the first fifty years of their life living below the poverty line and then one day becomes a super lotto jackpot winner and gets fifty million dollars, like...they do not all of a sudden magically become upper class in the eyes of society, their newfound wealth does not guarantee an instant transition to ‘worthiness’ according to anyone they now are able to interact with because of the new doors their sudden millions are able to open for them. People will still happily point to their lack of a college degree, or maybe even a high school diploma, as proof of their lower class status, bank account balance notwithstanding....

Whereas a guy in his twenties who doesn’t even have a place of his own after being evicted from his last apartment for parties disturbing his neighbors 24/7 and is living on various friends’ couches now and didn’t even finish high school because he got expelled for some bullshit...have his parents demand his presence at a fancy event and his best behavior, slap a nice suit on him even if he hasn’t been giving a shit about hygiene for a good month before that....

And as long as he’s ‘old money’ and from a family that goes way back, people might whisper about his behavior and what a shame it is, he comes from such a good family, blah blah...but they’ll still smile and be polite to him, ‘take a chance on him’ when he finally tries applying for a job at a major corporation seeking to fill a position he’s entirely unqualified for...because he still has the right ‘credentials,’ so to speak.

Classism is not just about personal wealth. Its about social standing in the eyes of society, where you’re from, the things you’re associated with as far as everyone else is concerned.

So when I get annoyed by the hypocrisy surrounding classism in this fandom, and the jokes about Dick’s name and costumes and circus background...its because they’re one and the same. Dick might never have been living on the streets, but that doesn’t mean that his background was society approved....EVEN BY READERS. THAT’S THE POINT.

His circus background makes him a joke. Its not worthy of respect. Its not something to be taken seriously, he’s not someone to be taken seriously because of it. The emotional attachments he has to things that remind him of it, of his parents, they’re not really worthy of that much significance or as big a deal as he makes of them. The choice of ‘Dick’ as a nickname is ‘unfortunate,’ its not what anyone with class would call a child, their refusal or inability to come up with something else to call him or for him to change it to something deemed more socially acceptable...

Like. This is all Classism 101.

Its saying that someone is lesser, beneath these others, unworthy of respect or the same kinds of considerations granted to other people or their origins....purely because of where they came from. With that being somewhere, some status, some context that most categorize as “not worth taking seriously or treating as worth our attention or respect.”

Dick’s circus background, in both in-character social circles AND the opinions of MANY in fandom....makes his background a unique or interesting anecdote. Its not like...a real place, where people lived, where he lived. Its not where he established himself as a world class athlete before he was ten, raised from the time he could walk with a work ethic that would make most trust fund kids grow nauseous at the mere thought of. Its not where he was trained in skills that had been honed and passed down by generations of athletes and performers who could have put those skills to work in any number of ways - as Dick later in life applied them to vigilantism, passing on these skills to the rest of his new family of vigilantes as well, for example. 

Its not where he grew up surrounded by traditions that might seem silly or ridiculous to other people who didn’t grow up similarly, wearing clothes that might be deemed garish or unsightly to those who set their standards according to the latest fall fashion lines out of Milan.....but the point is how silly or ridiculous or unsightly these traditions or clothing were has never been for other people to judge because they were never intended for anyone else’s approval. 

And yes, this applies even in terms of fictional characters and the people reading them who can’t personally relate to a specific community, lifestyle or group. Because whether or not you can relate to them specifically has nothing to do with whether or not you can relate to the experience of seeing something that exists as part of someone else’s real or fictional experiences...and does not actually require your approval in order to be valid and worthy of respect. If its still been clearly established its something THEY respect? It matters on that score alone. What else is needed?

From an in-universe or an in fandom perspective, the constant never-ending jokes about Dick’s origins and everything stemming from them are yes, classism. The entire POINT is that in a universe of child assassins and aliens and robot superheroes and avatars of magic, the thing people single out most often in Batfandom as too silly, too unreal, too unrelatable, too fictional to take seriously, just happens to be this lifestyle and community that even if not exactly commonplace in the real world...still very much exists in the real world, and hmm, just so happens to in the real world....be infamous for being treated poorly and cast as outsiders and criminals by the rest of the world throughout almost all of history...BECAUSE SOCIETY DIDN’T APPROVE OF THEM. Because they weren’t worthy of respect. Of being taken seriously.

LOLOL again, I don’t care if Dick’s not your favorite character or whatever, he doesn’t have to be, and yes, I know its just comics, I know he’s not real, I know he doesn’t need defending, blah blah blah. That’s not the point. The point has always been, this fandom has a bad habit and a long track record of happily perpetuating classist ideas and perceptions and behaviors in regards to some characters, while simultaneously insisting they’re championing the protection of other characters who have been victimized by classism.

It doesn’t work. You can’t have it both ways. Either ACTUALLY examine what classism actually is and the many, MANY ways it can manifest and be evidenced in various stories, reactions and our own behaviors, or like. Stop being like We Are The Knights Against Classism (as defined as things that are mean to Jason and these other characters we stan, denoted as such in Appendix B, Section 5a of our Charter).

Its rarely ever people not liking a fave character of mine that makes me get this annoyed, this frequently, lol. Double standards are dumb, and they’re almost always either a symptom of or a justification for some personal preference that is difficult to otherwise defend as its born of ideas or sentiments that deep down, we know probably aren’t awesome or a good look to sport in public. Which is all the MORE reason to scrutinize our own words or behaviors for evidence of them, and examine what might be at the root of our applying that double standard in a given situation.

That’s it. That’s my entire thesis in every fandom ever, tbh. LOL.

[chaoskirin]

Short Story--Afraid

Luka deals with the aftermath of trauma by coming to terms with her fears. Letting go requires a trust that she barely feels ready to give. Genre: Sci-fi/Fantasy Rating: PG-13 for some blood/gore Word Count: 3689/10 pages

Okay to reblog.

Afraid

"What are you afraid of?" Vilo asked. He sat across from her in a high-backed chair, its style somewhere between ornate and common. Upholstered in scarlet, its wavy legs tapered downward into clawed feet. Luka counted the multitude of tiny brass studs on the edges of the cushions and the scratches in the gold leaf. She focused on the dangling red threads which had accumulated from years of use. None of that really mattered, but it did give her a reason to avoid answering the question.

"Luka."

"You ask this every week," she answered, glancing up at him. His stylus remained poised over his terminal.

"And I think it's time you answered," Vilo said, setting the terminal aside. He folded his hands on his lap, patient as ever, and offered a smile. When Luka met his eyes, she noticed the tell-tale green shine indicating his...

Condition.

All therics could see it. Some people got away with telling their friends and family that they had elvish blood to explain the strange cast to their eyes, but therics saw something deeper. Something no one else could see, which set them apart from everyone else. Vilo would never be able to deny what he was to Luka, no more than she could deny it to him.

It's why she chose him above all the others. He possessed a unique perspective that other therapists lacked. And sure, her mandated recovery and treatment plan involved seeking out a psychologist and coming to terms with her trauma, but Luka refused to settle for the in-house counselors the hospital threw at her. If she intended to recover, she was going to do it properly. And if that meant seeking out a theric--who also happened to be a counselor--in the next town over, that's just what she'd do.

But she hated that she could see that emerald shimmer. That emerald reminder...

"What do you want me to say?" she asked. "You know what I'm afraid of."

"I chose to become what I am," Vilo said. "You were attacked. I don't share your fears."

No one might ever suspect. He really could have had elvish blood, after all, with his long black hair and ashy skin. He was older, but not old. Sophisticated, with barely a hint of the tell-tale wrinkles and lines that might give away his age. He bore a sharp contrast to Luka, whose hair at one temple started coming in grey not a week after her mauling. She hadn't slept a full night in so long that the hollows around her eyes were permanently dark.

But Vilo's expression always held a gentle cast, which Luka found comforting even when her doubts started to take over. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why he'd chosen to give up long life and a successful career to become a monster.

No. He said she shouldn't think of therics as monsters. Shapeshifters could be dangerous if they wanted to be, but the general population didn't consider people like Vilo and Luka an outright threat. Sure, therics were held with some contempt and a healthy dose of suspicion, but they were no longer run out of town. They weren't considered beasts and horrors. People were wary, but not terrified.

Usually.

Luka wrapped her arms more tightly around herself.

"You seem tense. Are you in danger of shifting?" Vilo asked.

The gentle question drew Luka out of her thoughts, and she shook her head. "No. No, I have that under control." It had, after all, been half a year--or thereabouts--since she was attacked, and she hadn't accidentally shifted for the last couple months. "Anyway..." she added, trailing off as she tried to decide whether or not to go on. "I starve myself before our sessions--"

"Luka!"

"I don't want to take the chance, all right? It hurts!"

"Luka, if you have it under control, you need to trust yourself," Vilo said. "The emotion-fueled changes stop once your blood adapts. You're at that point. Please. You don't have to take extra precautions anymore. Especially not those that hurt you."

Her stomach growled in protest. Vilo sighed, pulled open his desk drawer, and retrieved a granola bar. "Even if you're afraid of Emosis, this is barely enough to fuel a change. Please. Is that also why you're tired?"

After a moment of hesitation, Luka accepted the offering, tearing open the paper wrapping as slowly as possible to avoid eating it. "If I'm tired... If there's not enough energy..."

Vilo pressed his lips together.

She supposed she shouldn't exhaust herself, either. "I can't sleep anyway. I always..." She trailed off, curling her lip.

Bitterly, she tore at the paper.

As soon as the scent of honey reached her nose, Luka could no longer resist. She'd pushed herself to the point of near-collapse. Everything within her screamed for relief. Somehow, the granola bar disappeared, though she barely remembered devouring it.

"Better?" Vilo asked.

"No," she snapped, petulant.

He chuckled. "Well, we've covered one fear. Promise you'll be fed and well-rested next time?"

Not one to lie, Luka said, "I'll think about it."

Vilo shrugged a bit and reached for his terminal. That was all the answer he'd get for now. "Well, then. I guess that's as good as I can ask for."

He waited. This was the part where she was supposed to talk.

Somehow, Luka felt that if she kept those fears inside, she could prevent them from becoming real. Even though he denied it, Vilo must have some idea of her worries. Every theric--from the most dangerous tiger to the sweetest, tamest deer--feared becoming feral, after all, and she knew she'd at least mentioned those fears in passing. How could she accept this terrifying reality without addressing those fears in detail?

Fine. Fine.

"If my friends find out..." she started.

She waited for Vilo to interject. He didn't.

"If they find out, there's people who... Well. Theric history..." Usually, Luka spoke with eloquence, if not a bit of sarcasm and bite. Today, though, words failed her. She imagined them as a torrent locked behind a dam, with only a tiny trickle spilling through a minute fissure. Her thoughts existed en masse, but there were far too many to properly express.

Break it down.

Carefully. Brick by brick.

"Back before people knew the cycle," she began, chipping away at the barrier. "When it all seemed random. When therics would... Go crazy."

"Feral," Vilo reminded her. "It's part of what we are. An avoidable part of what we are. But regardless, it's not crazy or insanity. No different than migrating birds, or the songs of whales."

Luka felt 'crazy' was a more appropriate descriptor. Sure, those who went feral didn't do so on purpose. They were at the whim of their very nature. But a feral theric was a deadly theric, no matter how you framed it, which meant she'd have to be careful for the rest of her life. Besides, 'crazy' seemed to be the term every non-theric preferred; perhaps if Luka labeled herself as such, the rest of the world would accept her?

But she'd play Vilo's game. "When they used to go feral, they'd kill people. That's what everyone remembers, isn't it? Everyone talks about Besef the Insane. Davir the Forest Shadow. Even the one who attacked me, they're calling him--"

"The one who attacked you," Vilo interrupted. "You're worried you'll become like him."

"If I forget," Luka agreed. "Just once. If I forget just once--I know it's not likely right now, but if I get too comfortable or too... complacent. In a few years, maybe..."

"Turn your fear into a warning," Vilo said. "Ground yourself with it. Use it to remind yourself of the rules. The limits."

"But if..." Luka repeated. "I could hurt someone. I could kill someone. And I'm a Null Magic, and--I mean people are afraid of spiders as it is. But a giant spider, with venom..."

"I can't say it will never happen. But that's why you're here. To learn. To temper your fears. To do your best to prevent it."

The fear manifested as a painful stinging in all her senses as tears tried to form. She bit down on her lip to force the emotion away. To bury it. "I could be so careful," she said. "But one little slip-up... If I trusted someone enough to tell them, they might not trust me anymore. They could leave. And if I shift in front of someone..."

"If someone learns about you and abandons you, were they worth knowing in the first place?"

"Maybe?" Luka muttered. "Some people don't know much about thericry. If they'd learn, maybe it'd be different. But if I wasn't goin' through this, I know I'd be just like everyone else. Thinking about old superstitions and the ones who've gone feral and... I've only just learned about all the advances and the treatments. But I can't ask anyone else to read everything I have. Even if I did, I could still end up alone."

Vilo was silent for a long time, then he asked again, "What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid he'll find out," Luka said, unbidden.

"Who?"

"Claey. My brother. My twin. I have this dream..." She shook her head, waving the sentiment away with a slash of one hand. "It's hard to describe. It's more like... I feel it."

"I am a mage of Nebula," Vilo said. "I find it comes in handy when my patients are dealing with traumatic dreams." He stood, grabbed the arms of his chair, and dragged it closer. The clawed feet made a gentle prrrrrt sound against the low-pile rug. Once he was a mere arm's reach away, he re-settled himself and held out his hand. "May I?"

"Will I see...?"

"I'm afraid so. Yes."

But she wouldn't have to describe it. She wouldn't have to tell it from her own perspective. To give it to an outside observer to interpret...

He withdrew his hand. "It's okay. When you're ready--"

"No," Luka interrupted. "I am. I just..."

He reached toward her again. As she took his hand, she felt a gentle peacefulness fall over her. Not quite sleep, but something just on its outskirts. Her breathing came easier for just a moment, before the swirls of pleasant color became something much darker.

---

Memories stored themselves in different ways, depending on whether you were a human, faun, harpy, or anything else, really. And each species had their own unique boundaries to navigate in order to get to those memories.

Nothing ever disappeared. Sentient minds contained more storage space than even the most sophisticated terminal. Had more processing power than a linked caustal server. The only thing that could rival a sentient mind in sheer wonder was another mind--the astrally-linked consciousness of a dragon. Such a wonderful computer had no need to delete its data; even at death, the natural mind would have room enough within its folds to store another ten lifetimes, each memory preserved as a pristine treasure.

It was one of the primary reasons Vilo studied Nebula's magic.

Even dreams remained in their full sensory splendor, tucked away within the deep subconscious. Sometimes he spent hours searching for them, following the faded trails of fear or concern or sometimes even resoluteness.

But Luka's dream swirled right at the forefront of her mind, so he only needed to coax the sharpness of it with the slightest thought.

Dreamsearching, as far as Vilo was concerned, came with a single unfortunate caveat: he always experienced everything through the perspective of the dream's originator. Better mages could create an invisible vessel for themselves within the dream and hide in plain sight, so as not to alter the memory of the person with whom they were dreamsearching. He wished he had that talent, but this would do.

And so he stared through Luka's eyes upon a trail of blood, which led down a hill and into a shadowy copse of trees. In all his years as a therapist, he'd never seen a more violent image.

He felt her concern and confusion and hesitation. As Vilo was a middling mage of Nebula at best, he could do nothing to block the dream from her. He tried, but as the image started to darken within his own sight, he gave up and allowed the dream to continue.

And so the horror played back as it always had, recurring in its entirety.

Week after week.

They passed a severed leg. An arm. All that was left of Luka's twin, according to the reports.

When they finally reached the treeline, Claey met them and prevented them from going further. Incomprehensibly, he still had both arms and both legs, which made a twisted sort of sense since Luka had never seen him otherwise. Dreams contradicted themselves terribly at times, like a poor liar caught in his own trap.

Bloodied and torn, Claey appeared as if he'd been through a grievous battle. His wounds shifted, like red-worm gashes meandering macabre paths across his skin. Occasionally, pearl-white bones would appear, glowing through the forest's shadow.

Neither Claey nor Luka said a word, but the understanding passed between them that this was Luka's fault. Had she not begged him to accompany her to collect the charged stones--glowing rocks suddenly appeared around them on the hill--this wouldn't have happened. They both knew a feral theric hunted the hill near their home, but Luka made them take that chance anyway. Selfish. Selfish Luka. Didn't you care about anyone else?

Claey extended an arm to point, an accusing scowl on his face. Behind him, in the darkest shadows of the trees, an indistinct, vaguely bear-shaped creature tore at him with serrated claws. Wherever the beast touched skin, parts of Claey would fade away into nothing. Eventually, he hung between the trees like a ghost, as the creature prowled around his faded remains.

"I will tell them about you," Claey finally said, his voice hollow. "I will warn them so this never happens again."

"I won't," Luka said. "I wouldn't..."

"I will tell them," he repeated. "It must not happen again."

"I'll be alone," Luka said.

And once more, Claey spoke. "I will tell everyone that you are a killer."

---

As the images faded, Luka had only enough energy to stare blankly ahead.

It took Vilo a few seconds longer to return. His draping sleeves rustled against the chair as he cradled his head in both hands.

Perhaps seeing the dream again had been worth it, if she could share the trauma. At least one person believed her--one person understood why sleep came to her with such difficulty. Because when she was alone, it was all she could think about. And if she closed her eyes, she saw...

"I'm sorry," she said. "I should have warned you."

Vilo sat up, taking a deep breath. It took him quite some time to recover. Between breaths, he explained, "I lack the magical talent of other mages, but I do pride myself on being able to separate my patient's dreams from my own feelings. It's all right. It's like watching a film, really."

He still looked shaken, and Luka still felt bad.

"That must be very hard for you," he finally said. "I can see why you think it's your fault."

"It is," Luka insisted. "If I hadn't--"

"Can you predict the future?"

She shook her head. "But I knew there was a theric around."

"Did you call it? Make it come to you?"

"Of course not."

"And if everything had gone fine and you both went home safe, would you have said you predicted that, too? Because if you're able to predict all the bad things in life, you must be able to foresee the good, too."

"I don't... I don't think I would have thought about it at all."

Vilo nodded. "Maybe you made a bad judgment call. But you didn't cause what happened to happen. The universe operates based on the decisions of billions. Trillions. And unless you effected every single decision that led up to that very moment... Claey's death wasn't your fault. And what happened to you... That wasn't your fault, either."

It infuriatingly made sense. An ugly sort of sense. One Luka could still poke holes in and argue against. "But now I--"

"Ah! Now! Yes. Concentrating on the present. We've got you out of the past. Excellent."

"That's not what I meant!"

Vilo shrugged. Getting to his feet, he moved the chair back a few steps and reached for his terminal again. "Go on, then."

She narrowed her eyes. "Now I have to worry about what people think. What my friends think." And there weren't many of them. Luka kept people at arm's-length, not out of any personal necessity or fear, but because her focus tended to wander toward her projects. Her mechanima. Living creations with artificial intelligence that rivaled life.

"They can't think anything if you don't tell them anything. They can't support you if you cut them out."

Maybe it was time. "There's someone--But if he finds out. If he sees the scars..." She scratched at the most obvious one, a pair of slashes on her lower left arm, still healing and angry-red. But etched across her back, covered by two layers of clothing--just in case--stretched a mosaic of pain. Injuries caused by a theric might heal on the inside, but the scarring would last forever. And if someone saw, just the quickest of glimpses, they would know.

And they'd judge her.

Luka rubbed her shoulder, where the were-bear clamped its teeth down all the way to the bone. It still hurt and limited her mobility, but the underlying tissue damage would heal completely with time. A lot of time. But if her shirt collar slipped sideways just a little bit, someone could see the scars...

"You have to have friends," Vilo said. "Everyone needs companionship."

"If they find out--"

"The might. But if you don't trust people, you'll never know how they'll react. They could help you. They could support you. Have your best interests at heart."

"Or they could... Do the opposite. Of that."

"But we can't predict the future. You can't live in fear because you're afraid."

"But..." She hesitated. "Claey--"

"Claey is gone. He's out of your life." The words were harsh, cutting straight to the point. "Even the mightiest necromancer couldn't bring him back."

Right or not, it hurt to hear. Curling her lip, Luka jumped to her feet and faced Vilo, hands clenched so tightly that her fingernails cut into her palms. Before--weeks ago, when she was first hurt, this sudden temper would have triggered a change. She would have started shifting. But with as much control as she had over it now, she felt nothing, even after devouring the granola bar. It defused the explosive anger. Not entirely, but enough. "He's always here!" she snapped.

"Who is he really?" Vilo asked, infuriatingly calm. "In your dream."

"What?" Luka demanded. Honestly, it was the last question she expected, especially because he'd just seen it. Every piece of it, every blood-soaked blade of grass. Every cut and bruise. Every piece of her twin she'd left behind.

She sat back down.

"Besides mages of Nebula, who can affect your dreams?"

"But he's there... He's so real."

"Who is he really?" Vilo asked again.

Why hadn't the answer been obvious before? "It's me?" Luka asked. Then with more confidence, repeated, "It's me."

"Is your brother going to return and tell your friends what happened to you? Is he really out there, waiting for you to get close to someone so he can warn them about what you are?"

She hesitated, the what if still on her mind. Even if he could--even if the 'mightiest necromancer' could resurrect Claey and bring him back, would he really hurt her like that? Would he really blame her for his death?

"No," Luka said.

---

Processing her session took a couple days, during which Luka both denied the truth and came to terms with it. Claey died. He was gone. He wasn't coming back. And her life and every action she took had to fall under her own responsibility. She had to live now. Not in the past, which she couldn't change, nor in the future, of which she had no control.

She picked up her pocket terminal several times, only to set it back down again. Frustrated one night, and trapped in her room because of her affliction, she spun a web around it and threw it out the window as far as she could lob it. Retrieving it later was a labor of necessity and love.

To distract herself, she created.

As the sun set one night, she set her project aside, picking up a shard of charged stone instead. It was the same stuff she'd dragged Claey out to gather the night they were attacked... With the right wiring, a bit of directive and a starter personality, the tiny, fingernail-sized chip could power one of her steel and wire creatures for years. It glowed faintly in her hand as she rolled it between her fingers.

She couldn't undo the past. She couldn't put the stone back where she found it and fix everything. She couldn't negate her loss out of sheer will.

Setting the stone aside, Luka turned her attention to her terminal. If she called someone, she couldn't predict what would happen. Maybe it wouldn't work out. Maybe she'd be hurt again, or maybe... "Goodbye, Claey," she muttered. They'd talk again one day. But right now, he was gone, and she had to take care of herself.

On her terminal, she entered a code she'd dialed so many times, she had it memorized. Until this night, though, she never managed to complete the call. Out of fear, out of reluctance, out of an overabundance of caution... She really couldn't say. This time, though, as her heart skipped a beat, Luka tapped transmit...

[the-desolated-quill]

We Need To Talk About James Gunn - Quill’s Scribbles

This could prove to be the most controversial Scribble I’ve ever written on this blog, and the sad thing is it really shouldn’t be, in my opinion.

First off, a couple of disclaimers because I know some people are going to accuse me of ‘bias’. I’ve never been very fond of James Gunn as a filmmaker, it’s true. I thought the first Guardians Of The Galaxy movie was okay at best and I absolutely hated the sequel, but I confess that’s less to do with any inherent flaws in the films themselves and more to do with the fact that I just don’t like Gunn’s style of humour. Oh don’t get me wrong. There are still legitimate problems, which I’ll go into later when they become relevant, but I’m big enough to admit that my dislike for his brand of comedy and storytelling is merely due to my own subjective tastes (the same is true of Taika Waititi and Thor: Ragnarok).

Okay. So. Let’s talk about James Gunn.

As I’m sure most of you know, in July 2018, an alt-right conspiracy theorist called Mike Cernovich unearthed tweets made by Gunn between 2008 and 2012 where he made offensive jokes and remarks about sensitive topics such as rape, child abuse and paedophilia. While James Gunn did apologise and vowed to ‘do better,’ Disney, fearing the public backlash, fired Gunn as director of Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 and dismissed him from any role in producing and expanding Marvel’s planned ‘Cosmic Universe.’ The result was the public backlash Disney were trying to avoid in the first place. They received a lot of criticism from various entertainers and filmmakers, as well as many media outlets such as Collider and The Independent, the cast of Guardians wrote a letter urging Disney to reconsider their decision with Dave Bautista in particular being very vocal in his criticism, and there was a massive outcry from fans who petitioned for Gunn to be rehired. Guy Lodge, writing for The Guardian, asked the question ‘Was James Gunn the first undeserving victim of Hollywood’s new zero tolerance policy?’ Now I’d argue the answer to that question is a definitive no, but apparently, and surprisingly, that’s not a very popular opinion among liberals. So I’d very much like to challenge them as we explore James Gunn’s moral character and ask ourselves why he’s being defended so passionately.

Before we go any further, I think it would be a good idea for me to show you some of the tweets that we’re talking about, just to remind everyone what we’re dealing with here.

Now I hope we can all agree that this is objectively disgusting. Only an amoral, depraved and utterly moronic individual would find offensive tweets like these even remotely funny. But I should make it clear that, by James Gunn’s own admission, these tweets represent who he was rather than who he is. In his apology, he described himself as a ‘provocateur’ during the early days of his career, making shocking statements for the purposes of ‘satire.’ But it’s okay because he’s a better person who has grown and matured fully and will never do this again. Fair enough, you’d think. He admitted what he did was wrong and apologised profusely. That was a very honourable and decent thing to do.

Except we’ve seen this song and dance before.

In 2012, roundabout when Marvel announced they were making a Guardians Of The Galaxy movie with James Gunn directing, an old blog post of Gunn’s resurfaced entitled ‘The 50 Superheroes You Most Want To Have Sex With.’ The original post has since been deleted, but cached versions still exist here and there around the internet if you know where to look. Here are a few quotes from said blog:

[on natasha romanoff, the highest ~debut] “considering she’s fucked half the guys in the marvel universe, that’s quite a feat”

[on batwoman] “i’m hoping for a dc-marvel crossover so that tony stark can turn her; she could also have sex with nightwing and still be a lesbian”

”Many of the people who voted for the Flash were gay men. I have no idea why this is. But I do know if I was going to get fucked in the butt I too would want it to be by someone who would get it over with quick.”

Needless to say, this was quite offensive and causing bad PR, so James Gunn issued an apology:

“A couple of years ago I wrote a blog that was meant to be satirical and funny. In rereading it over the past day I don’t think it’s funny. The attempted humor in the blog does not represent my actual feelings. However, I can see where statements were poorly worded and offensive to many. I’m sorry and regret making them at all.

People who are familiar with me as evidenced by my Facebook page and other mediums know that I’m an outspoken proponent for the rights of the gay and lesbian community, women and anyone who feels disenfranchised, and it kills me that some other outsider like myself, despite his or her gender or sexuality, might feel hurt or attacked by something I said. We’re all in the same camp, and I want to do my best to make this world a better place for all of us. I’m learning all the time. I promise to be more careful with my words in the future. And I will do my best to be funnier as well. Much love to all – James”

Sound familiar?

Now of course it’s unfair to judge the man based on past actions that he himself apologised for. What matters is the present. Whether or not he has demonstrated to a reasonable standard that his work has grown and matured and that his offensive idiocy is a thing of the past. So let’s look at the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies.

While the first movie received critical acclaim, a few people (particularly fans of the source material) complained about how Gamora was treated. The so called ‘most powerful woman in the galaxy’ was reduced to a love interest, an occasional damsel in distress and there were a few odd occasions where she was objectified and degraded based on her sexual history. The most prominent example of which is when Drax describes her as ‘a green whore.’ The context being that he was ignorant of how offensive he was being despite trying to compliment her and call her a friend, and this was played for laughs in the movie. The second movie has more examples. Gamora’s role still paled in comparison to the role she played in the comics, and a new female character called Mantis was introduced whose power level from the comics was also significantly reduced for the movie and whose character was effectively reduced to be a punchline/punching bag. There’s also a scene involving Drax where he frequently describes her as ugly, saying that "when you're ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust." Again this is played for laughs. Except I’d argue that an adult man constantly fixating on a woman’s appearance isn’t even remotely funny. 

Another disturbing aspect of the Guardians 2 was the way it seemed to romanticise and excuse abusive relationships. Obviously there’s Drax and Mantis, but the biggest example is Star Lord and Yondu. The first movie did a reasonably good job establishing what drew Star Lord and Gamora together. They were both trying to escape from abusive father figures. The second film does a complete U-turn, calling Yondu Star Lord’s ‘David Hasselhoff’ and giving him a gratuitous and overly sentimental funeral as though he were a noble hero. While I’m sure the death of Yondu would emotionally impact Star Lord to a certain extent (he did raise the kid after all), to say that he’s like ‘David Hasselhoff’ because he’s a better dad than Ego the Living Planet was seems like a very low bar to clear. By that logic, Hitler was a good person because he didn’t kill as many people as Stalin did. It’s tone deaf, lacking in nuance and just a little bit insulting.

Bearing all this in mind, has James Gunn grown and matured since the period between 2008 and 2012? That’s for you to judge. I’d personally argue he hasn’t. Sure he’s no longer as extreme or provocative as he once was, but that’s not necessarily proof that he’s matured. Rather he’s just gotten better at hiding his immaturity. And in my own subjective opinion, based on his work, I think Disney made the right decision in sacking him. Now let me be clear, I don’t think Disney sacked him in order to take a moral stand as a lot of the problematic elements in the Guardians films have carried over into other MCU films. Gamora is still treated like shit in Avengers: Infinity War, and Thanos, who, like Yondu, was clearly established in the first Guardians movie as an abusive father figure, has been woobified and turned into a kind of sympathetic anti villain who actually cared about his daughter and only killed her because he had no other choice (as opposed to, you know, because he is a maniacal despot who’s a few Oompa Loompas short of a chocolate factory). The reason Gunn was fired was because of bad PR. Disney had dealt with this shit before in 2012 and they weren’t prepared to deal with it again, so they dropped the baggage, as it were. It’s a very common occurrence in Hollywood. Which is what makes the public backlash against this decision so puzzling to me.

I can understand being upset that the director of your favourite franchise has been fired, but can we try to get some perspective here? What happened to Gunn is nothing unique. This kind of thing happens all the time. A filmmaker does something controversial or has been revealed to have done something controversial in the past, the studio sacks them in an attempt to save face and everyone gets on with their lives. The situation with James Gunn is no different. The only reason I can see why people are so passionately against this is because of how these tweets were unearthed in the first place. Because the discoverer of the tweets, Mike Cernovich, is a member of the alt-right, the liberal community seem predisposed to dismiss this out of hand, which I think is incredibly dangerous. Okay, yes, Cernovich is a Nazi and almost certainly didn’t do this out of the goodness of his heart, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. It doesn’t change the fact that the tweets still exist and that they’re still incredibly offensive. And all the things I’ve heard people say in defence of James Gunn sound very similar to things the right would say about the likes of Brett Cavanaugh and Donald Trump. ‘It was x number of years ago.’ ‘It’s not relevant to who he is now.’ ‘He’s changed.’ ‘You can’t judge someone based on their past mistakes.’ I mean... come on guys! Either everyone should be held to the same standard or nobody should be held to standards at all. You can’t just change tact just because the person in question has the same political ideals as you. What are we saying? It’s okay for liberals to hold conservatives accountable for past actions and behaviour, but the right can’t do it to the left because apparently it’s not as funny when they do it? It’s classic ‘them and us’ mentality and it’s got to stop.

So, why am I bringing all this up, you may be asking? This happened over six months ago Quill. Aren’t you a little late to the party? Well a couple of days ago, it was announced that Warner Bros and DC Films had hired James Gunn to write and direct a sequel to Suicide Squad.

Well... sequel isn’t quite the right word. Apparently it’s more along the lines of a reimagining. Titled ‘The Suicide Squad’, the film is going to follow a whole new cast of characters and effectively start from scratch. No doubt this is part of WB and DC’s attempts to salvage the DC Extended Universe after the critical and financial disaster that was Justice League, as well as a response to people’s criticisms of the previous Suicide Squad film.

Writer/director David Ayer’s version of Suicide Squad was... let’s be charitable and call it problematic. Many people criticised the film for being misogynistic, borderline racist due to the one dimensional characterisation, and particular outrage was directed toward Ayer’s attempts to romanticise the relationship between the Joker and Harley Quinn. So it’s quite ironic that WB and DC are relying on James Gunn - James Gunn?!?! - to fix Suicide Squad when similar criticisms have been made toward the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies. That’s like hiring Harvey Weinstein to investigate sexual harassment claims.

And do you know what the funny thing is? We’ve been in this exact same situation before. In February 2017, news media started to report that WB and DC were eyeing Mel Gibson, the Oscar nominated director of Hawksaw Ridge and professional arsehole, to direct Suicide Squad 2. I even wrote a Scribble on it then. I heavily criticised WB and DC for caring more about snagging an Oscar nominated director to bolster their failing franchise than about holding certain ethical standards of decency within the industry. Oh, sure, Gibson has said many sexist, homophobic and antisemitic comments for years and has never at any point showed any hint of remorse for the amount of offence he’s caused, but he just made a good movie about Spider-Man fighting in World War II, so it all balances out, doesn’t it? We’re good, right? We’re cool. Gibson’s cool now. Yeah?

And now here we are seeing this play out again. James Gunn, a man who has said some incredibly offensive things over the years, is being hired by WB and DC to helm a new Suicide Squad movie and conveniently ignoring all the problematic shit surrounding him because he’s the guy that made those sci-fi films about the talking raccoon. People love those films. Let’s get him on board.

I’m getting so sick to death of actors and filmmakers getting away with shit and avoiding the consequences of their actions. James Gunn and his offensive tweets, Mel Gibson and his shitty behaviour, Kevin Hart and his temper tantrum when he was expected to apologise for being a homophobic prick. And the few times there are consequences for said actions, people of influence within the industry end up undermining it. WB and DC hiring James Gunn so soon after he was sacked by Disney, and Ellen fucking Degeneres ringing the Academy and persuading them to let Kevin Hart host the Oscars. Thankfully, and to his genuine credit, Hart turned it down, but seriously, what the actual fuck Ellen?! You’re LGBT, aren’t you? Why are you giving him a free pass? Do you have short term memory loss like the fish you voice in Finding fucking Nemo? Jesus Christ!

Finally, to people saying that Disney treated James Gunn too harshly for the tweets, may I remind you that when ‘The 50 Superheroes You Most Want To Have Sex With’ resurfaced in 2012, Disney still kept him on! He still got to write and direct two Marvel movies before finally getting the sack. And he was in talks to lead production in all future ‘Cosmic’ Marvel movies going forward before the resurfaced tweets made that impossible. Too harshly? I think he got off extremely lightly, frankly. I think he’s grotesquely lucky he’s still got a job at all. Let alone a job where he continues to direct tentpole blockbusters. For someone who was treated ‘too harshly’, he’s sure done alright for himself, hasn’t he? He’s not Oliver Twist begging movie studios to give him a film, cap in hand, ‘please sir, may I have some more?’ His position hasn’t changed one iota. That’s what we should be pissed off at. Not that he’s being unfairly punished. That he’s not being punished enough roughly seven years after the fact.

So what should we take away from all this? That we need to hold everyone accountable for their past actions and behaviour, regardless of whether they share our political beliefs or whether they were involved in films we actually like, and that the industry needs to do a better job of upholding the consequences of said actions. And regardless of whether you thought Disney were right to sack James Gunn, it cannot be denied that WB and DC handing the keys of another profitable franchise over to him so soon after this controversy is an incredibly irresponsible thing to do.

[nadziejastar]

Isa’s TRUE Personality: The Beautiful, Tortured, Selfless Moon Goddess of Love (Part 1)

Saix’s weapons are an absolute goldmine of esoteric symbolism. There’s no way I can cover it all in one post; there’s just too much. But I want to do a series analyzing everything, to show just how differently his character ended up in canon, compared to how it was originally conceived. I think the original idea for Isa’s character and his relationship with Lea is extremely unique and utterly fascinating. According to the symbolism, Isa’s TRUE personality is exactly as the title describes. A tortured, beautiful, selfless Moon Goddess of Love who was clearly intended as a love interest for Lea.

Part 1: The Tortured Moon Goddess

Cool, collected, and mature beyond his age. He’s good friends with Lea.

— Jiminy’s Journal (Kingdom Hearts Union χ)

Saix’s title, Luna Diviner, is a reference to Selenomancy, named after the Goddess Selene. It is a specialized form of divination that examines the various aspects, phases, and appearances of the moon. According to diviners, moon phases are associated with certain personality types at the time of birth. There are several specific moon phases used as names for Saix’s weapons. Gibbous represents someone who is a healer and humanitarian. They care about other people; sometimes more than themselves. The pain and suffering of others is something that they are not only highly sensitive to, but also want to help transform.  

Balsamic Moon, is the waning crescent that is the trademark symbol on Isa’s jacket. It’s the final phase of the moon. This is a phase of decline and darkness—a rich opportunity for your soul to experience. It is considered the most Yin or Feminine phase. Balsamic means soothing or restorative. If you are born under this Moon, you will be aged and mature in some way. Balsamics are quiet, retiring and resilient; they are often seen as “old souls”. They are complex and wise beyond their years, as well as loners who usually only enjoy the company of a select group of people.  

New Moon is also known as the Dark Moon. It is the phase where the Moon’s energy is weakest. Even though the New Moon is invisible in the sky, those born under it are cloaked in darkness. They tend to lack self-awareness. They may be known for being selfish, callous, or unable to see things from other people’s perspectives. This weapon has the same shape as Berserker and Werewolf.

Saix’s Pandora Gear is Dichotomy. This word has several definitions. It means “a division or contrast between two things that are entirely different.” Or, “the phase of the moon in which half its disk appears illuminated.” It represents the clear division between the past and the present, Isa and Saix.   

Many of Saix’s weapons incorporate ♐︎ the astrological symbol of Sagittarius into them. I believe ♐︎ is meant to represent Lea. Sagittarius is a part of the Fire Trigon of the Zodiac. As an archer, he is said to never fail in hitting the mark. Sagittarius represents the centaur Chiron, an immortal centaur, who was renowned for his gentleness. After being accidentally shot by a poison arrow, he was in agony, but unable to find release in death. So he decided to offer himself as a substitute for Prometheus, who was punished by the gods for giving fire to man. Zeus saw the kindness of Chiron and immortalized him in the stars.

Axel’s weapon Prometheus is a combination of ♐︎ and the symbol of Mars ♂, and ALSO ♋ the Cancer symbol. Mars was known as the Roman god of war. He was said to love the violence and conflict. He carried a spear that was often depicted as covered in blood. He was the patron God of soldiers and was worshiped prior to battle. Soldiers in the Roman Army prayed to Mars before battle, hoping that he would protect them and lead them to victory.

Selene is shaped like a torch combined with ♐︎ the symbol of Sagittarius. In ancient Greek mythology, Selene is the Titan goddess of the Moon and is said to drive her glowing chariot powered by beautiful white horses across the sky each night. Her symbols were the crescent moon, a chariot, and a torch. Selene was very well known mostly because of her beauty. She was a very peaceful goddess and did not approve of war. Her personality was said to be secluded and timid.

Most Ancient Greeks looked to her for healing. Selene also had many powers that you would not think a moon goddess would have. Mythology states that she had powers surrounding dreams, she could harness the ability to awaken intuition and she could also catalyze psychic visions. As the patron of femininity, she was known to have the power to ease childbirth, to inspire love, to mask reality, and to pierce illusion.

Artemis has been commonly associated with Selene. She was the goddess of the Moon, the ruling planet of Cancer, and the daughter of Zeus. Her personality was individualistic and free-spirited, yet kind. She was a patron goddess of hunting and childbirth, and she was also the protectress of little children and baby animals. In Greek mythology, Artemis was usually portrayed as a very tall, beautiful young maiden with a hunting bow the shape of a crescent moon and golden arrows. She is often accompanied by either a stag or a dog. One of her special talents is calming animals, meaning that when she walks near them they come towards her and become calm.

Artemis is one of the ‘virgin’ androgynous goddesses, along with Athena and Vesta. Due to her well-integrated masculine energy and independence, she possesses an introverted temperament, preferring solitude. She was also known to be friends with mortals. Her assets were courage, confidence, and strength (both mental and physical). Her weaknesses were vengeance, impulsiveness, and being quite aloof. She was afraid of men, which is why she used to live in the woods and only went for walks at night. She rarely had any male companions; she only loved one person, Orion, but she ended up unintentionally killing him due to trickery. In her pain she appealed to Zeus to immortalize Orion in the stars so she could be with him.

A quiet and cool-headed youth. Though he does come out of his shell when talking to his best friend Lea, toward others he is distant and untalkative. Often scolds Lea and his contrasting personality.

— description from KHBBS Light Novel 2 (Best Friends)

The design for the weapon Astrologia incorporates ♋, the sigil of Cancer into its design. Cancer is associated with Artemis, who is similar to people born under the sign of Cancer. They are very modest, shy, and extremely emotional individuals who love children and pets. Artemis exemplifies the caring, nurturing and protective qualities of the mother. Deeply intuitive and sentimental, Cancer can be one of the most challenging Zodiac signs to get to know, but they are sympathetic and very attached to the people they keep close.  

Being ruled by the Moon, they are mysterious— they can struggle with sharing their innermost feelings. Cancer was known as the “dark sign” because of the obscured visibility of its constellation in the night sky. They have a tendency to brood and can be very moody and pessimistic. They often don’t have enough coping and defensive mechanisms for the outer world, so they can be prone to introversion and slow to warm to strangers. Cancers are quick to retreat into their shells if it suits their mood. The crab is a perfect symbol for the Cancer sign, symbolizing how a sensitive soul hides beneath a tough exterior.

A Cancer is caring and vulnerable, however callous they may appear on the outside. They are introspective and serene folk, who love solitude yet care gently for the people surrounding them. This receptive nature, however, makes them easily hurt. Cancer is the most emotional sign of the zodiac but at times they might appear icy and separated. Empathy for others is likely to be strong, and they will have an intuitive ability to sense what others need. They have a tendency to be quite clingy. Cancer’s shyness comes from their insecurity and deep fear of rejection. They are a cautious and shrewd people. 

Moon Rabbit is known as the Jade Rabbit in China. The Jade Emperor disguised himself into a poor, starving old man and begged for food from monkey, otter, jackal, and rabbit. Rabbit could only gather grass. Knowing well enough that grass can’t be offered as food to humans, rabbit decided to offer its own body, sacrificing itself in the fire the man had started. Somehow, though, rabbit wasn’t burned. The old man suddenly revealed himself to be the great Jade Emperor. Touched deeply by rabbit’s selfless sacrifice, he sent it to the moon to become the immortal Jade Rabbit.

More than just cute, fluffy, and white, the Jade Rabbit is a sign of selflessness, piety, and sacrifice. The Jade Rabbit is on the moon so that no matter where we are on Earth, we always have the ethics of righteousness and self-sacrifice to look up to. In East Asia, the Jade Rabbit is a widespread cultural symbol. When the bunny isn’t busy making immortality elixirs, it keeps the beautiful goddess Chang’e company in the Moon Palace.

Saix’s weapon Crescent is based on the Phoenix’s wings. This weapon represents the albedo stage of magnum opus. Following the chaos of the nigredo stage, albedo involves the washing away of impurities. In this process, the subject is divided into two opposing principles to be later coagulated to form a unity of opposites during rubedo. The aura is light blue, meaning truthfulness and serenity.

Psychologist Carl Jung equated the albedo stage with “unconscious contrasexual soul images; the anima in men and animus in women”. Jung described the animus as the unconscious masculine side of a woman, and the anima as the unconscious feminine side of a man, with each transcending the personal psyche. This makes albedo a phase where insight into the shadow side of the self is gained, while inflated ego is removed from the psyche.

So, that makes it VERY interesting that the weapon has a similar shape to ⚸. Even if they never planned to actually show it explicitly, the writers seemed to be inspired by Black Moon Lilith. Which raises very disturbing (though very interesting) implications about what happened during the experiments on the “darkness of the heart”. It would certainly explain how Axel’s personality became so warped. It would also explain why he didn’t find Saix’s personality change that unexpected, either, and why Axel seemed to always give him the benefit of the doubt no matter how cold he was. 

Astronomically, Lilith is considered an asteroid. Yet, some astrologers identify Lilith with the “Black Moon”. It’s the mathematical point that’s exactly in between the earth and the moon–essentially, empty space. Astrologically, it represents the cosmic void; the very energy Black Moon Lilith embodies. Psychologically, it is a point that represents how we react to emptiness and isolation. It brings up deep and primal issues like repressed feelings of rejection, rage, and the refusal to give in. This particular archetype is associated with sex, death, obsession, addiction, transformation, resurrection, magic, the occult and the taboo. These things are seen as the entry way between the spiritual dimension (or the underworld), and life on the physical plane.

Put simply, Lilith is the dark side of the moon. She represents animus, the feminine shadow side—What society rejects as appropriate for the feminine, Lilith takes up. The vilest manifestations of sexuality like pedophilia, rape, and satanic ritual abuse are all the domain of Lilith. She was actually said to be a hermaphrodite, so she could act as both a succubus and an incubus. Trauma based mind-control, through the use of sexual torture is another area connected with Black Moon Lilith. She symbolizes the transformation that occurs after going through a dark night of the soul. Usually, the trigger is great suffering, mourning, pain or torture. I can only imagine what poor Lea and Isa must have gone through.

Astrologically, Chiron (Sagittarius) stands in total opposition to Black Moon Lilith and all she represents. He is a symbol to remind us to look at the vulnerabilities we face in light of our connection to Divinity. Through the exploration of our wounds, we are called to heal all that creates a rift or disconnection with our Spirit.

[rvdsperspective]

A South Indian’s Perspective of North India

This is an opinion blog written during my trip to North India. I covered around 4 states (Jammu & Kashmir, Delhi, Uttar Pradesh, Rajasthan) in 30 days in June 2019. It was my first extensive trip to the North after being in Tamil Nadu for almost my entire life. The places were so beautiful with amazing food and culture. Every state had its uniqueness. I got a chance to learn a lot about history, diaspora, religion and its impact on the region. At the end of the trip, some incidents kept coming back whenever I tried to reminisce. It had both good and somewhat uncomfortable situations that I came across. The good times were the most wonderful ones but I wanted to write about the disturbing ones to show what I went through during those moments.

Disclaimer:

Some people might find the article being unfair towards North India but that is not my intention. These issues happen everywhere in the world depending on the idea of each nation. Development needs to be given the first priority rather than religion, language or caste. When people unite leaving their differences aside for the welfare of one’s family, community, region �� their surroundings will be a better place to live in. South India too has its own set of issues that needs to be solved like caste and minority discrimination, corruption, some religious and language fights, water crisis, quality of education, skill development, productive welfare measures, intensive environmental friendly measures, innovation, etc. to grow collectively.

• Religious animosity:

I’ve only heard in the news about the strong religious sentiments people have in North but it came quite as a shock when I could witness them in person. There was an incident in Jammu when after we checked into a hotel, we were intrigued to ask the hotel manager about the best locations in the region and state. He was nice enough to reply to us the best destinations in Jammu but when we asked him about Srinagar (which happens to be our next stop), all he had was disgust and warnings about the region. We knew Kashmir had a history of insurgency but that was not the response we were looking for, it had a lot to do with the religious differences that he had against the region. Most of his comments were targeted on the premise of the region which is predominantly Muslim dominated and nothing about the beauty of the region.

The next stop was Srinagar which was nothing like he mentioned, it was a calm state but with the military infusion. We asked the same question about J&K to a Kashmiri. He had an exact animosity but towards Jammu people which happens to be a predominantly Hindu populated. He also had a similar hatred but towards other north Indian regions for the treatment of Kashmiri people in their respective states. He didn’t have a sense of belongingness with the nation due to this reception.

My friends and I were walking down Dal lake when we happened to see an ice cream cart. We decided to have one when he was watching the India – Pakistan world cup match. We were intrigued to know the score and we started to have a conversation. He was a worker from some part of Uttar Pradesh. There was a shattering noise at a far distance, he noticed that and said that some people are happy because Pakistan hit a six. We were shocked and asked him if was being serious. He went on to say about the insurgency that going around the region, the militant’s distress, the majority religion, etc. It was then we understood that we have another version of India Pakistan at Jammu and Kashmir. What he said may or may not be true but it came as a surprise when that was the first reaction he had for the noise.

Another incident occurred in Agra. I was visiting the place for only a day and I wanted to spend most of the time at the Taj Mahal. So I booked a room near the Taj Mahal and boarded an auto. Halfway through the journey after a small chit chat with the driver, he suggested me not to stay at that area next time I visited Agra since it was Muslim dominated. I was baffled only wondering the significance of one of the greatest wonders. People from all across India and the World visit the unique monument every day and such a racist tag would ruin the beauty of the remarkable wonder.

As I started to openly talk about this issue to various people I could assume a root problem to this. The hatred might have come from the notorious rulers from the Islamic dynasties in the past. People have it in their history books or a random discussion about the religious fights that happened during the Islamic rule. Temples were destroyed, Hindu’s sentiments were tarnished. These incidents lie in their mind.

Opinion:

I guess forgiveness and looking at people individually instead of seeing their larger background ( religion, caste) is the way to move forward as a society. The religious identity should not be used too much to make decisions especially those who do not try to live the life of people whom they worship. I guess most people do not want to live a life like their gods whom they worship. The sense of tolerance is not there. Also, they love their god(s) and religion so much that they want to do something for them to show their true faith. But that should not be by discriminating and exploiting those who agree with them. It goes for all religions. We should try to move forward trying not to think too much with this identification.

We as a country have always been oppressed by anyone who ruled over us. Whether it may be the Mughals, Britishers or any other regime, we were being exploited one way or the other. So, we wanted to be free from all sorts of dictatorial and colonial ruling and start governing ourselves. There are still evil factors ruling over the society like corruption, discrimination, exploitation, etc; especially by the people who govern and have an influence on us like the Britishers. But we never were so angry at them and sometimes we go to the extent of voting for them. Maybe its because we see them as one of our people with a nationalistic or regionalist identity. Caste hatred comes in because of the same identification. We don’t see people individually. We see their closest circle that binds them, whether it might be their religion or caste or region. When a person in a different religion commits a crime, some people go against that whole community even though the crime was only done by an individual or a small group of people. But the same people won’t react similarly when it was someone from their respective religion for the same crime. This is the hypocrisy that comes along with too much blind identification and faith.

I’m not saying that these incidents don’t happen down south. They do take place. Extremists are everywhere in the world but its all about how prominent we keep them in society. As long as we respectfully disagree with their radical opinions and keep them on reality check, it’s alright. But once we start making them into powerful people who rule us or form a cult with radical ideologies, it’s very dangerous – whether it might be a Politician or a Godman.

• Ignorance about the national language:

My Hindi was a little weird but most people can understand the context of what I’m trying to convey but yet people were sort of advising me that it was Rashtra Basha (national language) and I had to learn it to be a true Indian.

Opinion:

The language debate is getting heated up these days mainly due to the lack of single language policy in the country. India being a union of states even before Independence had its own unique culture and language depending on the state. British rule made English spread all over India adding as a language widely used in higher education, high paying jobs, research & development, etc. It’s still the most widely spoken language in the world. On the other hand, Hindi is a widely spoken language in North India but when it comes to its usage in other fields like corporate jobs, R&D, etc, it is very limited. My opinion is that one should learn a language and master it only if it serves some purpose. With the FDI pouring into India and all the multinational jobs needing a good communication skill, English is the language that needs to be given importance to.

India being a diverse nation with 16 official languages, needs a link language to unite people from north to south. Many believe that it’s Hindi since its predominantly spoken. But one needs to look at the significance of a predominantly spoken language. When a unifying language is only a mere communication tool to converse and does not serve any other purpose is not the right language to be chosen. But when a language like English which is widely used in reading, writing but not as a spoken language is baffling. It’s also a language having international recognition but some people still want Hindi to be unifying language for the country without looking at the larger picture. If some people eagerly want to have a language originated from India, we can start calling English as Indian English like how other British occupied countries have Australian English, Canadian English, American English with its dialect.

• The fear among a certain section youth and intellectuals:

Elections in India are never fought based on the economy or employment. It’s mostly fought on religion, caste, language and regional identity. Politicians have grouped their vote banks based on those identities. I discussed with many youths living there regarding the trend of extreme conservative politics that is going all around the world. India has never seen such right-wing populism trending ever since Independence. When people don’t talk about the constitution as a holy article but rather think of it as a scrapbook that can be rewritten without total consensus is quite scary. Many liberal youths are threatened by the route that North India has taken. They fear their voice and opinion could go baseless when people start shifting far right.

• Attraction towards populism:

Since there are not many regional parties in the north, elections are usually fought between two major parties. End of the day, it comes down to which leader attracts the most with the speeches. I met a person who said he voted for a particular party since he was solely drawn by its leader’s speeches, charisma, and attitude. He said he was a huge fan of the leader which made him vote for the party. Maybe that’s the problem when someone looks at leaders as heroes rather than politicians. We may love a hero for their performance on screen for their sense of humor, dialogue delivery, attitude but an actor/hero’s job ends when the movie ends. We usually don’t judge an actor for what he does offscreen. No matter what he/she might have done in their personal life, a mass dialogue can render a million claps. A politician’s role should be judged for the offscreen performance where their actual job lies like the policies undertaken, rather than the polarized speech.

Some media publishers should be blamed for this scenario. Media needs to act as a medium to educate people and provide unbiased opinions but most mainstream media fail to do it these days. The main propaganda of media these days is gaining TRP through populism coverage instead of factual coverage.

We call media the Fifth pillar of democracy. Its called a pillar since it stands straight and strong holding onto the country’s holiness. When it tilts extreme right or left, the system is meant to fail and the idea of us being a nation will be questioned.

[theflenser]

Street Sects interview with Ad Libitum.

A interview with Street Sects, originally published in Polish in the Ad Libitum zine.

Interviewer: Lidia Kowalski

1) In one interview, you stated that Rat Jacket was kind of "transition point" for you. Was it only in musical kind of meaning or was it also concerning lyrical content? What kind of "topics" will be brought up on the newest album?

Leo Ashline - Mostly it was a musical transition point. I tend to approach lyric writing from a song to song basis, depending on how the music that Shaun sends me makes me feel at the time. Shaun was introducing a lot of melody on that EP, twitching guitars, slightly more patient structuring, and some really sad, melancholy synth work, so the words reflect those things. Lyrically, the thematic connective tissues of Rat Jacket are trust, betrayal, and regret. It differed from End Position in that it was less hateful and nihilistic, albeit only slightly.

On The Kicking Mule there are a lot of different themes at play. The record is more of a collection of vignettes than it is any kind of concept record. A lot of the songs are incredibly personal. “Birch Meadows, 1991” is about my parents divorce, and “Everyone’s at Home Eventually” deals in part with my love/hate relationship with alcohol, and how it has always been first and foremost a symptom of my fear and anxiety. Other songs, like “Chasing the Vig” and “The Drifter” are my feelings and experiences filtered through my love for crime noir writing, much like “Featherweight Hate” was on End Position.

2) Firstly, you have been working on making your project into a "total aesthetics" one. What exactly does it mean, what does it involve? And is it possible that one day it will go beyond simply music and visuals?

LA - An old friend of mine impressed this idea upon me about a decade or so ago. To me it means having all of the facets of your work (the music, the visuals, the words, the live performance, etc) coalesce into a unified or singular aesthetic. I think our work as a whole speaks pretty clearly to that intent. And yes, I do think it can and (hopefully) will seep into other mediums. Time will tell.

3) Concerning the visuals - on almost all of the covers of your releases, a silhouette of woman which (imo) symbolises death, can be seen. Does her presence mean simplz that death, or a thought of it, is present through full duration of your life, or does her symbolical role differ? What's your view on that?

LA – Death, or “Lizzy”, as we call her, represents different things in different images. In the original Gentrification seven inches, she represented the culture, the color that gets pushed out and washed over when a neighborhood is gentrified. People want to destroy what they are afraid of. People are afraid of what they don’t understand. Death, like diversity, scares certain people. Lizzy was beautiful, and look what you did to her. Now you can drink your fucking pour over coffees and your fifteen dollar craft cocktails in clean, vanilla scented, color-free comfort. Happy?

In other images, she is the voyeur. She is watching, waiting, refusing to participate or interfere because she knows better. She knows how it’s going to end, one way or another, so she may as well sit back and enjoy the show. In other images she is the chauffer, our guide from here to there. In those instances I’d like to think that she represents hope, optimism, and a chance at finding something more meaningful than what we have allotted ourselves this time around.

4) You have once told about that there were periods in your life, where your only motivation to get up was music you got to make. Has making music had a cathrarctic, self-therapic role for you? Or maybe it played a part and made you see anything else in life worth living for only a bit?

LA - I think maybe a bit of both. Focusing so intently upon negative energy can be therapeutic in that the negativity can, on a good day, become something purposeful. It can be a tool to be utilized rather than a weight or a burden. And yes, certainly touring, meeting people, being fortunate enough to see your work have an effect on others, all of that can be incredibly rewarding. It can sometimes help to restore that lack of faith in the whole thing. But most of the time, unfortunately, it isn’t enough. You reach down and try to dig for that feeling, and it just isn’t there. Shaun and I do what we can to keep pushing each other forward, and I think that we are fortunate to have that dynamic. I see a lot of people, artists, who struggle to make it on their own, and it’s such an uphill battle. Trying to dodge depression, rejection, self-doubt, and a constant lack of encouragement all while pushing yourself creatively can quickly become a bleak and impossibly lonely road. It’s hard to blame people for wanting to walk away from that.

5) Well, it is obvious becouse of your experiences and feelings, but in your music you often display the darkest, most ugly side of live. You had your fair share of really awful times, but here comes the question: what, do you think, has the most power to destroy a human: his surroundings or him alone?

LA - That’s a pretty big question, and honestly I don’t think I’m really qualified to answer that, at least not in any kind of broad sense. Speaking for myself, I blame the majority of my hardships, past and present, on my own poor decisions. I’ve had a lot of opportunity, and I have wasted almost all of it. Now I’m playing catch up, and I’m still paying for a lot of those mistakes. I used to move around a lot, different cities…different states. Wherever I went I kept fucking up. I don’t think my surroundings had much to do with it.

6) There are a lot of people in the world that live in their safe world, completely unaware of what can be happening three steps from their home, completely unaware of how depression feels. Do you see "consciousness" as a value? Would you rather be totally blind, but happy?

Shaun Ringsmuth:  Consciousness is something I've had to teach myself to value. Of course, the mind records what's happening whether you appreciate it or not, but it might be to one's advantage to find a place of calm before blowing one's brains out, or worse having one's brains blasted by another person. Violence like that, either way, always scares me, because of how little value is placed on the moments, whether it's sentiment between two people or the greatest speech ever being spoken--it all seemingly becomes a waste staring at the barrel of a gun. On this topic, I would recommend Viktor Frankle's book Man's Search for Meaning. It is with great luck that tragedy doesn't happen to a person, and of course that begs the questions of how to live, why, and what for. Arguably it is better to try to live with purpose, and if that purpose is found to then not diminish it with negative self-talk, or rot away on drugs and alcohol, and to not take out on other people one's personal sense of injustice. With the creation of art, a sense of purpose can be easily associated, because it is often self-created and comes from a place of inner truth. Even in collaboration, like with me and Leo in Street Sects, we share what we can, go our separate way for a while, and then come back with we've found. Sometimes this is a song, or a new image, or a lyric, but whatever it is the aim of these created things is to give time--time being the only thing we ever really own--a story, a way of relating the human experience, which with any luck gets passed on long after we're dead. However, to get back to your question, is it better to be totally blind but happy: that's not for anyone else to say but yourself. You have to step away from your everyday reality for a number of minutes and ask yourself, Is this who I am, is this what I want? And then change the "why" to the "how"--as in, not "why am I doing this," but "how am I going to do this."

LA - Do I see a consciousness as a value? I can’t imagine any artist or musician answering “no” to that question. If I was “totally blind, but happy” I don’t think I would have much use for art or music as a creative outlet, because I doubt that I would have anything interesting to say. Pain and despair, like death and diversity, are a part of life.

7) On "The Defence of Resentment", you start by listing some of the fears you have. However, is there any  particular fear that is close to you the most, that haunts you, if I can say it this way, "personally"?


LA - My biggest fear is the fear of being a failure, of having wasted my life. To reach the end and have to own up to the fact that I could have done so much more, that I could have tried harder, done better. The potentiality of that kind of regret is terrifying.

8) In one interview, you said that being sincere while writing lyrics isn't enough, it is also a matter of finding a unique perspective. In what way you see your perspective as unique?

LA: Everyone’s perspective is unique, not just mine. However, not everyone is able to communicate their perspectives in a way that does justice to their particular experience. Art takes form, and we look to preexisting forms as influences and guideposts for our own work. Even the most abstract artists are often hard-pressed to outrun the shadows of artists who came before them. With my writing I try to focus on expressions of sincerity and honesty, and try to couch those expressions in a form that appeals to my inner critic. I don’t want anything that I write to have the stink of familiarity or nostalgia. It has to be clear that there was an effort made to approach the work from a fresh perspective. Whether I’m successful in that or not is not really for me to say, but the effort is there.

9) Do you think that we, as a human kind, have a tendency to run away from thing we'd be better off not knowing? What we escape most frequently in modern world?


SR: Some of us, yes. I've known and admired people in my life who have preferred truth in every instance. I was not one of those people. I wanted escapism and fantasy, some of which was self-destructive. Not wanting reality exactly as it is can also lead to creativity: novels, movies, music, paintings, architecture. Attempting to see reality as it is, and attempting to see reality as better than it is--these are worthy pursuits. Lately, I'm finding what's most important from day to day is knowing exactly what one thinks and feels, followed by deliberate action. Like, really stopping all movement and asking what's going on. It's the only way to care for oneself and for others. It is worth taking the time to breathe deeply, look around, and be in that very moment of reality, because that's the best chance to really see and to create. This is easier said than done, of course, because one wakes up and all the shit from yesteryear is right there, and nothing seems good enough and nobody is kind. Everyday one has to make a choice of how to live.

10) On "Rat Jacket", I can feel a distinction, yet a weird relationship between abrasive mechanisation and a "human side" to this music (by which I mean post-industrial melodic hooks). Do you think that the same kind of connection between pure human soul and that what is cold and obcure can be found?

SR:  Yes! Though, I would add that every Street Sects recording has attempted this connection between warm human melody and cold machine sounds. Humans have the gift (and burden) of being self-aware, unlike other animals, and with that comes the urge to name, to conceptualize, to make meaning where there seemingly isn't one. It's how people come to such wildly different interpretations over pieces of abstract art. The less a piece is controlled by labels the more room a person's mind has to dream. Even if something begins with a narrative or directive, it can take a turn for the surreal and then allow more headroom for the spectator. We see this in Ingmar Bergman's films. We see this in John Barth's novels. We feel this in Harold Budd's music. Any abstraction of course does ask participation of the listener/viewer, and not everyone wants that experience. Sometimes all we want is escape. Creating these things can get complicated, but it doesn't have to be a single extreme choice, thus the use of melody or a relatable narrative coursing through abstract imagery.

On "In Prison, at Least I Had You" I wrote a fairly abstract intro. Originally it was supposed to go toward a split release with the Cincinnati band Curse. Some

of their songs have slow, doomish metal-inspired parts, so I wrote what I thought would complement that. When the song starts, it's all bits of sound, total collage work, which eventually flows into what I hoped would be doomish metal tempo, followed by the main portion of the song itself. The final version you hear on Rat Jacket didn't come out as I intended, at least the intro part before the wind-up sound that kicks off the song, but I spent a lot of time on that intro collage part, really feeling out those sounds, connecting them, making sure they had the right rhythm in the mix. The intention of that song in particular serves the human/machine dynamic, I think.

11) During the times of "Gentrification" you said that you don't exactly write lyrics, but rather do some kind of stream of consciousness resolved around central topic. Are you still working like that?

LA: No. With the Gentrifiction singles there were these pieces of micro-fiction that I had written to accompany the records, these sort of journals from characters who were caught in the crossfire of social displacement. Those pieces were the core of the writing, and the “lyrics” were more guttural abstractions of those pieces. Since End Position, my approach to lyric writing has been more traditional and meticulous.

12) Also, many times when you were asked about your process of creation, you mentioned talking with each other a lot about it. What were those conversations about? I don't mean to dwell to deep, just the general.

SR: Leo and I don't sit down and work out songs on instruments together. We tend to talk through the parts, and later I work them out in the instrumentation. This is why I sometimes only write a snippet of a song, maybe one minute or two. I'll send it over to him to think about, and he'll often listen to the pieces in his van. The conversations, on the whole, cover a long period of time in our friendship, to my mind, because he and I have been talking about music since we first met in 2002. Sometimes in talking about a current thing we're working on, we'll reference a ten-year-old conversion about a band or song. It breathes new life into old ideas.

13) This question can be a bit personal, and even if your music and lyrics are generally confessional, I'll understand if you don't answer. What's you experience with the spiral of self-hate? What makes it worse and harder to escape (if it is possible at all)? How do you experience it, can you desribe in your own, abstract way?

LA: I don’t mind answering. My relationship with self-hate probably began around the time my parents got divorced, in 1991. I put on a lot of weight and it made my life harder in terms of school, peers, and my interest in the opposite sex. I have struggled with having a negative body image my entire life, and it has greatly effected my self esteem, my confidence, and my overall mental health. These issues in turn led to eating disorders, isolating myself from other people, and self medicating with alcohol and drugs. The chemical dependencies then in turn created a maelstrom of other problems, culminating in extreme and obsessive self destructive thoughts and behavior. Fixation on suicide as a solution, which is still a huge part of my mental framework, unfortunately. I feel like I have been trying to work backwards through these problems for a long time now, but the root problems are still there. Getting off drugs and alcohol was only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the mountain of work I still have in front of me. What makes it worse is inertia. Sitting around. Not doing anything. I have to keep busy with the band. I don’t go to therapy, and I stopped attending (AA) meetings years ago. Street Sects is the only real cure I have found. I don’t know what I would do without it.

14) This will be less of a question and more of a confirmation (or denial) of my predictions. On your lyrics to "In Prison, At Least I Had You", there is a fragment that says "I'm holding the same position". Is it reffering to title of your debut LP, "End

Position"?

LA: Yep. Nice catch!

15) And finally. How are you feeling these days? Is life quite OK? I wish you the best, honestly.

SR: I am now almost two years sober, so my feeling about things in general is one of hope. Without sounding corny here, I really want to live with passion, put all the ideas into the music, and try to connect with people along the way. When I drank, i drank to black out and forget myself, and I lived that way from about 14 to 32 years of age. There was so much self-loathing, trepidation, anxiety in my life. I was afraid of everything. These days I try not to take anybody or anything for granted. I let people know that I love them and that they are loved, which is something I couldn't do pretty much my whole life. I'm grateful that I'm still making music with my best friend, Leo, and I truly believe our best work is still to come.

Thank you, Lidia, for listening and looking into our music, and for taking the time to interview us.

LA: I’d be lying if I said that I feel good more often than not. Staying positive is a constant struggle. But I have a lot to be grateful for, most of all this band and my friendship with Shaun. I’m also extremely grateful for my mother, who helped me get sober, for the small handful of friends I have, and for everyone who has ever supported Street Sects in any way. Thanks for the interview, Lidia. Sorry it took us so long to get these answers back to you.

[seasaltmemories]

The Dark Descent of Elizabeth Frankenstein Review/Analysis

Really expanding my pallet by tackling a book instead of anime like I’ve done in the past, but I have a lot of complex thoughts about this that I pretty much need to spill out immediately

Summary time:

Elizabeth Lavenza hasn't had a proper meal in weeks. Her thin arms are covered with bruises from her "caregiver," and she is on the verge of being thrown into the streets . . . until she is brought to the home of Victor Frankenstein, an unsmiling, solitary boy who has everything--except a friend. Victor is her escape from misery. Elizabeth does everything she can to make herself indispensable--and it works. She is taken in by the Frankenstein family and rewarded with a warm bed, delicious food, and dresses of the finest silk. Soon she and Victor are inseparable. But her new life comes at a price. As the years pass, Elizabeth's survival depends on managing Victor's dangerous temper and entertaining his every whim, no matter how depraved. Behind her blue eyes and sweet smile lies the calculating heart of a girl determined to stay alive no matter the cost . . . as the world she knows is consumed by darkness.

All my reviews are extremely personal, but this is going to get even more personal bc of the unique relationship I have with the original Frankenstein, I read that back in my senior year of high school and while it wasn’t a favorite of mine, I had my fun with it, I wasn’t the most diligent student, skipping much of the latter half bc I wanted to focus more on my senior thesis, but I really enjoyed Victor as a protagonist.  In contrast to how adaptions portray him, he’s a pathetic teenager/20-something who drops out of college bc he gets offended when his science professors laugh at him for wanting to study alchemy instead of a real field of science.  He gets sick at the drop of the hat, is so self-centered he really only acknowledges others when they are right in front of him, and a coward who can’t take responsibility for any of the problems he creates, all without being particularly malicious, I more enjoy laughing at him than fangirling over him, but there is a lot of humanity there that I find endearing in its own way

But I was an Elizabeth fangirl, the girl goes through equal amounts of hell without knowing it is all the fault of the man she adores.  While the narrative mostly kept her as “love interest” I felt their could be a lot of pathos to her tale and even wrote an essay about it.  However as I looked for academic material/retellings, I couldn’t find any that shared my sentiment

Recently I was brought back to Frankenstein because of a local writing contest that was celebrating its 200th birthday.  While it was looking for horror submissions in general, I wrote a modern retelling with the intent of giving it a female perspective and subsequently won first place for it

So when I discovered this book, published around the same time as when I wrote my own retelling, it seemed made for me.  And oh those first few chapters were a treat, it felt exactly like something I might even write: Elizabeth is someone who plays the angel bc she fears she won’t survive if she is anything less perfect, and no matter the situation this suffocating anxiety grips her every action as she tests people’s reaction to her, I was on cloud nine for all of act 1, other reviews seem to dislike the slow past of that part as it all takes place in one slow day with lots of flashbacks, but I loved marinating in Elizabeth’s inner world as I hadn’t be able to before

Act 2 is where some complicated feelings mixed in, and to talk about then completely I’m gonna go into spoilers.  If you are interested in it so far or tend to like my writing of worn-down girls trying to survive in worlds where their image can decide their fate, then I recommend it.  For full effect it helps to have read Frankenstein since there is so much of the novel is tied to the original and it pays a lot of love to the cultural icon it has become as a whole, but apparently other reviewers have enjoyed it without that prior knowledge.  If you are still on the fence/don’t care about spoilers, let’s dive into the next 2/3rds of it

First of all, this novel reads so much like fanfic.  I say that as not a measure of the quality of its writing, bc at its core it is fanfic, and since it falls into that genre, it shapes many of its strengths and flaws.  For example, Act 2 is the weakest section of all bc so much of the plot is recounting plot point by plot point or the original, and aside while the POV switch makes certain events, like Justine’s death hit harder and in a different way, it also inherits some less tightly-written sections, like Victor traveling to England to build the bride.  But in a way I can excuse that because by then I had started to treat it like fanfiction and took that as a sunk cost that couldn’t be avoided bc of the format

What really shows that this is fanfic is the fact that rather than simply retell the original, it uses the material left behind to build an original story of a woman trying to find an identity that has never felt her own, and I don’t find any fault in that because I have done the same, hell I’ve written about blonde teenage Elizabeths in the 19th century who tailor their entire personality for their dark, morally ambiguous cousin that they are in love with it, but because I can so closely relate to the mere concept of writing a story like this, I find I am much more critical of matters of personal taste than I would be otherwise

To put it bluntly, TDDEF’s Victor is not Shelley’s Victor.  And while it tries to play that “untold story” angle to explain the discrepancies, it does not work.  Here Victor is like one step away from being a literal demon child, lacking any care for anyone besides Elizabeth and always ready to cut someone/thing open with a knife.  He is completely obsessed with her, being inspired to conquer death not because of losing his mother, but because he realized her morality when she catch a life-threatening illness, and while it works for the story TDDEF wants to tell, it is not the Victor I know as he goes on to do even worse things than Shelley’s version

Now again I am faced with having done the same before, taking much less morally gray characters and in fanon dying then a few shades darker, but while this is nitpicky, it makes a lot of the details between the two works not line up so well, even before the narratives diverge

Like for example I never bought Victor’s love or even obsession for Elizabeth here, like Shelley’s version they are often apart and even when together Victor is stuck in his studies, yet here she becomes his entire motivation, part of this was because TDDEF wanted to highlight the problematic elements of the original relationship, but I feel like it still could have been done while veering closer to the original depiction, like despite all Elizabeth does for him, he treats her more like a pet he has to remember to feed and allows her to go through a lot of trauma to save his own skin, that’s still a damning portrayal without falling into the evil cartooniness TDDEF’s version sometimes does, but even within that criticism I can see my biases getting in the way bc I like and write male love interests who mean well but can still fall into toxic behaviors

Regardless, Act 3 is where the narrative really comes into its own, and while I still prefer Act 1, it preferable to the safeness and predictability of Act 2.  It is completely unsubtle about the message it wants to send, and while I can’t fault it for it, that’s when the YA label really starts to show, my feelings about the YA genre could fill an entirely different post, but to explain what I mean about feeling YA  in the most simplest terms, well I would have absolutely adored it if I was younger, sometimes it may get cheesy or self-indulgent but I know if I was the target audience it would have shaken my entire worldview on what books could do and say.  And a lot of that is bc it caters to the adolescent appeal of fanfic, like the narrative could have ended two chapters before its true end, but it instead goes on what feels like a fan’s post-canon imaginings, which while a bit too sappy and simplistic for me, is the type of closure younger me would be starved for

So I am in an odd position, feeling on one hand almost betrayed for it drifting from the vision I found perfect, but also knowing it did so to be true to a vision younger!me would have needed, I guess the best way to describe it is that while Act 1 is still something I personally enjoy, the rest is something I more appreciate from an academic/impersonal perspective.  And while I can’t say I am completely satisfied to be there, I feel like maybe a high school girl who reads Frankenstein for her English class and falls for Elizabeth like I did may now be able to find others giving her the type of love she needs Elizabeth to get

[zalrb]

Different anon here, I agree the problem with tvd wasn’t elena, it was the writing. And it’s obvious because after Nina left it didn’t get better. My issue was that elena never lived up to the hype. There was no depth or substance to her character. The writers just expected us to believe that she was this incredibly loving person whose friends would constantly fight for. For example they never go into detail as to why Bonnie has so much love for elena and is willing to die for her. 1/2

“Different anon here, I agree the problem with tvd wasn’t elena, it was the writing. And it’s obvious because after Nina left it didn’t get better. My issue was that elena never lived up to the hype. There was no depth or substance to her character. The writers just expected us to believe that she was this incredibly loving person whose friends would constantly fight for. For example they never go into detail as to why Bonnie has so much love for elena and is willing to die for herWhich never made sense because they never had any flashbacks or sentimental memories that explained the reason for this strong bond. And the writers constantly made everyone who disagreed with elena an outcast. Like in season 1 Caroline/elena are frenemies but the writers switched it up to them all being friends. And Katherine being the bad version of elena. I agree as well about Stefan and Bonnie having the potential to be protagonists.”

Well I go into great detail about the problem with Elena quite often: 

Elena does have a clearly defined personality the problem is that the personality lacks follow through and therefore it doesn’t have clearly defined execution.

Elena is supposed to be a deeply empathetic and compassionate person who loves passionately and makes reckless decisions to keep those she loves safe. She is supposed to be a caretaker, which is why in 2x04 when Caroline is trying to drive a wedge between her and Stefan she tells Elena she’s too maternal not to have kids. She is supposed to be understanding and non-judgemental, which gives her the ability to ‘see the good in everyone.’ She is also supposed to have “darkness” in her because she will do morally questionable things to ensure the outcome she wants and she can be emotionally manipulative although that’s mostly towards Damon. And after watching season 2, I’m realizing she is supposed to have a legit martyr complex.

But like I said, the problem is follow-through. Elena can’t have a martyr complex when the narrative works so hard to keep her from actually having to sacrifice anything, the intent to martyr herself is not enough because it makes the audience go, easy for you to say, Elena, you don’t actually have to be the Bonnie in this situation, do you?

Elena being empathetic and compassionate doesn’t really work that well when she’s dating the man who single-handedly terrorized each and every one of her friends 

*note* from another post of mine: 

If Elena can’t help but try and find a modicum of goodness in everyone around her that she would do mental gymnastics to find something in Damon, then her empathy would have to be a huge problem, like it would kind of have to drive her crazy. Like there’s a scene in Grey’s Anatomy when Meredith and Derek are fighting because they have a patient who is a serial killer and Meredith sympathizes with him and Derek is like, he is a fucking serial killer! and she watches his execution because she wants to show compassion and she sort of has a breakdown because of it

[cont’d] and she doesn’t even come across as a good friend because when she is with her friends, if they’re not talking about her problems and are instead talking about Caroline’s issues and the one, two times they talk about Bonnie, Elena doesn’t say much, she usually just shrugs or makes a noise (and that’s not Elena’s fault, that’s the writing’s fault).

Her being maternal and caretaker doesn’t work well when Elena doesn’t actually do much to show this. All she really does is hug people and that’s not enough. When Jeremy is a legit drug dealer in season 1 and gets into a fight with Tyler when he’s drunk and has an actual bottle, Elena literally lets Jeremy walk away, she pretty much let’s Jeremy do his own thing, if she’s as worried about him as the show is trying to tell us she is, then that’s when Elena goes to the smokers den and drags him into class, it’s when she’s blowing up his phone and calling everyone he hangs out with. She needs to be involved not passively concerned.

And the other thing is because Elena is supposed to be such a nice person and the show just wants to make her this wholeheartedly good person they forget that good people can have complex emotions. 

*from yet another post of mine* 

the show wants to show that Elena is so understanding and can see things from every possible perspective that she could hug Tyler even after he brought a werewolf to the lakehouse and tried to hunt her and Stefan and kill them and I’m just kind of like … … I don’t buy it because you guys aren’t really selling it because you don’t give me the details that make that kind of behaviour seem realistic and not Mary Sue-ish. What I would need for that to be realistic is a scene, a quick one, where Damon is telling Elena that Tyler is a threat and needs to be killed and Stefan is saying that Tyler doesn’t need to be killed but he’s still potentially a threat and Elena being like well Damon you killed his uncle and all of us helped cover it up and now that he’s found out I don’t exactly blame him for being angry at us, he has every right to be angry at us, I have no idea what I would do if Jeremy wasn’t wearing the ring when you killed him so I think we just need to approach this with understanding since Tyler is in his right! And then she and Stefan go to the lakehouse and what happened happens and Tyler is MORE visibly shaken by what happened because Tyler is just kind of like “oh. my bad”

but if he was actually like on the ground, crying being like, I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S RIGHT OR WRONG ANYMORE and Elena kneels next to him and holds him then I could buy that.

Once again, in BTVS, Willow endangers Buffy’s younger sister Dawn because she’s going through a magic addiction and it creates a situation where Dawn actually slaps her and Buffy is walking away from Willow and Willow like falls to the ground, crying, saying she needs help

and even though Buffy is FURIOUS she still comforts her

[cont’d] Elena should have that. Elena should struggle with the idea of martyring herself, she should be like Stefan, do you really think I want to die? I’m seventeen, of course I don’t want to die, this entire situation sucks but what sucks more is that everyone else is bending over backwards doing things that will get them killed to make sure I stay alive, I would rather just be dead. You can call me selfish if you want, but none of you are dying if I can help it. Just something like that. Instead we get her having a breakdown over the fact that she was supposed to grow up and have kids and not become a vampire, they should’ve changed that to her breaking down about the choice she made but also not regretting it.

But characterization is not a problem unique to Elena. Damon has PLENTY of contradictions:

Season 1 was all about how Damon would do anything to get Katherine back — it’s not like Elena awakened in Damon the capacity to feel because he’d been feeling and waiting for Katherine for over 100 years. So when Stefan and Damon have that exchange in 2x01 when Stefan goes on and on about how Damon feels something for Elena and he won’t let Katherine come in and destroy that part of him and in season 3, when he’s like “I get it, Elena, I care too much. How ironic.” I’m sitting there like but that part of him was NEVER destroyed! Damon’s problem is that he can’t handle what he feels so he kills people because it’s easier than dealing with his shit. If anything it was Stefan who was unwilling to feel, unwilling to be vulnerable and let someone in and meeting Elena forced him to do that […]

And Damon doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he feels emotions deeply when he kills people because he’s hurt, he’s not stoic and he’s not a brooder, he doesn’t hide how he feels.

And I’ve spoken about the friend dynamics:

With Caroline and Elena I said that I would want actual development there. One of the issues with Elena is that the show just wanted her to be all around likeable, she had no problems with anyone and if anyone had problems with her it was a that person thing not a them and Elena thing. But Caroline and Elena would be more believable as friends and more interesting as friends if they started out as frenemies, if we kept it here

and we found out more about their backstory and how things used to be when Elena’s parents were alive, Elena essentially being the Serena to Caroline’s Blair except not as close as Serena and Blair yet close enough for Elena to care if Caroline got hurt

then Caroline became a vampire and got introduced into that world and through saving her life from Damon and Stefan teaching her and her just being around all the time and Bonnie not fully embracing the vampirism thing, the two of them got closer and became friends more than frenemies

I think that would’ve been better and I would’ve development over they’ve all been BEST friends since they were kids.

For Bonnie and Elena, I need a reason why Bonnie and Elena are bonded for life. I need a reason why Bonnie would go so hard for Elena and I need reciprocity. The issue with TVD is that the writers seem to think that hugging all the time shows closeness because really that’s all Elena does for Bonnie, she hugs her

and they have great chemistry as friends but they don’t have a story. What Bonnie and Elena need is an understanding that only they get.

but these aren’t problems that only relate to Elena and her friendships, I have a post about all of the friendships here: http://zalrb.tumblr.com/post/171218100600/do-you-have-any-posts-explaining-why-tvd

But the issue I was having with that anon is that they kept conflating characterization with agency because for the way all of the characters are actually written, Caroline or Jeremy or Jenna or Alaric or Enzo or Matt would not make better “less boring” protagonists because they are not active. Is there potential in having them as protagonists, yes, but there was potential in having Elena as a protagonist too. As I said, Bonnie is the one who actually goes through an active journey and has to save people and has to sacrifice and has to learn spells and battle ancient vampires so aligning with her would be radically different than aligning with Elena but not so much anyone else and as you said, we see that in seasons 6-8. Caroline’s storyline in season 6 doesn’t go anywhere. Her mother died but Stefan and her relationship to him is really what we focus on, like seriously, they make her confront him about their relationship at her mother’s funeral and then have her turn off her humanity because he wouldn’t tell her he likes her. How is that any better than season one? In season 7, she’s impregnated without her consent and knowledge and instead of focusing on how that would affect her, we focus on Ric’s feelings. She doesn’t drive plot, she reacts to story. Bonnie was stuck in a Prison World with two serial killers then she was stuck in it alone and became suicidal and then had to claw her way out of the world, that’s an active plot and she drove it. 

[choicesfanatic86]

TTS: In Liam’s Eyes - NY (Part 2)

DISCLAIMER:  All characters belong to Pixelberry Studios, except characters unique to my story.  Those belong to me. ;)

PAIRINGS:  Riley (MC) x OC, Riley (MC) x Liam, Liam x Riley (MC) x OC, Olivia x Drake, Bertrand x Savannah, Maxwell x OC

SUMMARY: Liam sees Andy for the first time since she left Cordonia.

If you are new to the series and would like to catch up by reading previous parts, please check out my master fan fiction listing.  CATCH UP HERE

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6/24/18 - Ok guys, this is part 2/3 of Liam’s perspective while in New York.  Remember, dialogue will be the same, I’ve just included Liam’s thoughts. 

 I swear I have it tagged as a long post, and I have a “keep reading” so please don't send me angry messages. :)

As always, just shoot me a message or comment with requests to be added to the permanent tag or story tag. :)

In Liam’s Eyes - NY - Part 2/3

The next day, Bertrand, Maxwell, Drake and Liam were huddled in front of her apartment door awaiting Riley’s return home from the hospital.  Maxwell had assured them repeatedly that she was looking forward to seeing all of them.  He also reminded them that she looked a little beat up considering everything she had been through.  He also warned them that her facial injuries hadn’t healed yet and she was still a bit banged up from her tumble down the stairs.  Liam was beginning to worry about how he would react when he first saw her.  Just listening to Maxwell describe her injuries caused him to become overcome with emotion.  How would he react when he actually saw her in person?

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Drake asked skeptically.  “I mean, I know you said she’s okay and everything, but maybe we should have given her another day to rest before springing the idea of dinner on her.”

“Of course this is a good idea,” Maxwell looked at Drake with confusion.  “Why wouldn’t it be?  Little Blossom is coming home today, Drake.  Of course she’d want to see all of us.  Just think about the look on her face when she sees all of us here together,” he beamed with excitement.

“Oh yeah,” he muttered.  “You mean that look?” Drake said, motioning down the hallway.  “She looks real excited, Maxwell,” Drake said sarcastically.

Liam turned toward the elevators and saw that Riley had a startled look on her face.  It wasn’t a look surprise, more like a look of absolute fear.  He sighed.  That didn’t bode well.  Why on earth had they listened to Maxwell?  The three girls were ambling awkwardly down the hallway toward the apartment they were standing in front of.  He heard Andy shriek angrily, and he immediately closed his eyes in worry.  They hadn’t been expecting them.  He shook his head as he listened to Maxwell and Andy began to bicker back and forth.  There was another young woman with them, and he assumed that was Alicia, the woman he had heard so much about.  He smiled at her softly.  He owed her so much for taking care of Riley through all of this.  She was doing a job that he should have been doing.  

A pang of guilt shot through him once more as he started to realize the severity of his injuries.  Maxwell hadn’t glossed over anything, but hearing about it and seeing it were two separate things.  Seeing the injuries caused him to choke up a bit.  She looked so broken.  The cast on her leg and the bruises on her face stunned him.  Despite all the warnings Maxwell had given him, nothing could prepare him for the sight he saw before him.  His carefree, happy Riley looked so forlorn.   She looked so different than she had in Cordonia when he last saw her.  She was much thinner with dark bruises around her eye and a large gash by her forehead.  She looked gaunt, and frail.  Her coloring didn’t look well either.  She was far too pale.  What had happened to his love?  He’d never seen her look so sick in his life.

“Hey,” she murmured.  She seemed uncomfortable, a bit embarrassed even.

He couldn’t take his eyes off of her.  “Hey,” he said softly.  He took a few steps forward, savoring every moment he could with her.  He had gone two years without her previously, and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about her every single day.  As awful as those two years were, the last two months were hell without her.  Seeing her, so frail, so weak in front of him now . . . it broke his heart.

“Soooo, shall we take this party inside?” she said.  “I’m fairly certain my neighbors are all looking through their peepholes waiting for some excitement.  This is New York after all,” she chuckled and Liam’s heart thumped wildly in his chest.  He’d missed the sound of her laugh these last few months.  

He watched as Andy and Riley struggled to find the keys to the apartment, and wondered if she were extra nervous because he was here.  Maybe he should have called her first.  Perhaps, she hadn’t wanted to see him at all.  She hadn’t really acknowledged him directly.  His mind was spinning with all sorts of what if scenarios, and it was making him lose his cool.  

“So . . . I guess introductions are in order,” she looked to the men.  “Guys, this is Alicia, she’s a good friend and my assistant,” she motioned to the blonde woman.  Liam had already figured out who she was.  Riley had a close circle of friends, and she had spoken about her a lot during her time in Cordonia.  “Alicia, these are my friends from Europe . . . Bertrand over there is wearing the ever-present scowl, Drake is next to him, Maxwell is Andy’s boyfriend, and . . .” she trailed off, her eyes meeting his once again.  “That’s Liam,” she said softly.  His heart fluttered as their eyes met once again, before she broke the gaze.  He hadn’t been paying any attention to Alicia.  His mind was focused entirely on Riley.  

“So, what’s new?” She asked, and Liam could tell immediately how uncomfortable she was with all of them being there.  He should have insisted they give her more time to settle in, especially having just been released from the hospital.  He had let his own eagerness to see her again cloud his judgment, and now, things were going to be incredibly awkward.  The tension in the air was palpable.

“We’re sorry for the intrusion,” he started to speak. The last thing he wanted was to make her any more uncomfortable.  He wanted to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible.

“I’m not,” he heard Drake cut him off.  “Forget proper etiquette, I had a hard enough time staying away from the hospital,” he said gruffly.  “We’ve been worried sick about you, Lawson.  Couldn’t just stay back and wonder what the hell was going on with you,” he said honestly.

Liam nodded slightly.  Drake had said everything he had been thinking, albeit, in a much more aggressive way than he would have phrased it, but he took the words right out of his mouth.

“I know . . . I know things look really bad right now, but things are going to get better,” she started.  “I’ve been working a lot, and I haven’t been getting much sleep.  Plus my diet was just awful.  I’m turning over a new leaf,” she said optimistically.  

Liam couldn’t help it, but he felt she was keeping something from them.  Surely a poor diet and lack of sleep couldn’t cause as much trouble as she’s gone through.  Not to wind up in the hospital.  He wasn’t a physician, of course, but he imagined that there would have to be some sort of underlying condition to complicate things.

“Lady Riley . . .”

Liam turned toward Bertrand who had a grim look on his face.  Bertrand hadn’t particularly been fond of Riley staying in New York with everything going on.  He’d mentioned several times on the plane ride over that he had hopes of convincing her to return to Cordonia with them until she was well enough to take care of herself again.  He’d even mentioned it last night when Maxwell had come back from the hospital.  Liam knew better than to suggest anything of the sort to her.  Despite wanting her to come back with him, he knew she’d never agree to it.  She was fiercely independent and prided herself on taking care of herself on her own. She hated asking for help, even when it was clear she desperately needed it.  

“I’m pleased to see you up and about,” Bertrand said.  “I second Drake’s sentiments about being quite worried about you, which is why we’re here,” his eyes scanned warily over her apartment.

“Thank you.  All of you, but really, I’m okay,” she started to say once again.  

“But – “

“No buts,” she said sharply.  “You came here to check on me; you came for a visit, so let’s visit.  No more talk about the accident or afterwards.  I’m fine.  The hospital discharged me.  I know what I need to do to get better, so let’s just drop it okay?  And for God’s sake, stop looking around at each other like I’ve gone crazy,” she sighed.  

Liam knew they were moments away from an angry outburst, so he did his best to keep quiet.  There was so much he wanted to say to her.  So much to ask her, but he held it all in.  Now wasn’t the time.  She was clearly upset, and he didn’t want to get into things in front of everyone anyway.  He didn’t want to anger her any further.  Bertrand and Drake had already struck a nerve, and he wouldn’t be joining them in the doghouse.  

“So . . . Who wants Chinese?” Maxwell asked breaking through the awkwardness.

“I could do Chinese,” Andy agreed.

Liam nodded.  He was game for anything as long as it meant he’d get to stay here with Riley.  As they waited for the food to arrive, they engaged in idle chit chat.  Liam only half-listened to the conversations going on around him.  His eyes were intently focused on Riley.  He’d missed her so much over the last two months.  He couldn’t believe how he had allowed his jealousy to get in the way of their relationship.  He’d been so foolish.  All the time he wasted being angry and jealous could have been spent together with her.  Maybe she wouldn’t have ended up in this mess.  Maybe he would have been there to prevent any of this from happening in the first place.

When the food arrived and they all hovered around Riley’s tiny dining table, he couldn’t help but study how she picked at her food.  Chinese probably wasn’t the best food choice for someone who had just been released from the hospital.  Something blander probably would have been better for her, especially if she had been dehydrated and vomiting.  She was barely eating, and she looked utterly exhausted.  She still didn’t look well, and all he had wanted to do was wrap her in his arms and carry her away from all of her troubles.

He wanted to ask her about the hospitalization.  Ask her what the doctors had said.  Suggest that a second opinion might be in order.  He wanted to offer here the services of his own private physician back in Cordonia, but he couldn’t bring himself to say any of it because he was so worried that he’d say the wrong thing and lose her for good – if he hadn’t already.

Suddenly, she got up off the table, and clumsily ambled to the bathroom with her crutches.  Everyone was asking her if she needed help and if she was okay.  It was a flurry of activity as she waved them off and stumbled into the bathroom.  Shortly after she closed the door, they heard the sounds of her dry heaving into the toilet.  His eyes looked to the others in confusion, but he was met with equally confused looks, all except Andy and Alicia.

“What’s the matter?” Liam asked in concern, standing up off the table as if to go check on her.

“Her stomach has been a little upset,” Andy said softly, motioning for him to sit down.  “She’ll be fine in a moment,” she assured him.

“Is it from the accident?” Drake asked worriedly.

“No,” Andy said quickly.  “It should get better soon,” she added.

“Jesus,” Drake mumbled.  “It sounds like she’s dying,” he said as the heaving continued.

Liam’s eyes widened as the heaves became louder and longer.  It did sound like she was dying, and he stood up again.  

“Liam, I promise.  She’s okay,” Andy said calmly.  Liam eyed Andy and Maxwell as they exchanged a glance at one another..  They both seemed to know more than they were letting on, and Liam wondered if Riley was keeping a more serious illness from them.

He was relieved to see her return to the table, but she wasn’t the same Riley from earlier.  She returned even more exhausted than before, and a lot paler.  She looked as if she wanted to cry.  She tried to smile, but it came across forced, pained even.  She was trying to be strong for their benefit.  He could see how miserable she was, and he wanted to just take all of her worries away.

“Sorry,” she murmured when she returned to the table.  He watched as she pushed her plate away with a look of disappointment on her face.  It was clear that she wanted to eat . . . she just couldn’t.

“Is that normal?” Drake asked.

“I’m fine,” she waved off their concern.  “I’m okay now,” she murmured quietly.

“So, have you thought about what’s going to happen after Andy comes back?” Drake asked.

“What do you mean?” She asked.  

“How you’re going to get around and work and do everything else,” he motioned around the apartment.

Drake made a valid point.  Liam had been studying her throughout the night, and she wasn’t steady on her feet.  And she couldn’t possibly expect to work with a broken leg.  She needed rest and proper care, none of which she could get here in New York by herself.

“Well, I have Alicia, and really, I only have to stay off my leg for around four to five weeks.  I’ve almost got one week down,” she shrugged.  “I’ll manage.”

Bertrand bristled angrily as he slammed his plastic utensils down in front of him.  Liam knew he had been holding in a lot of his worries and concerns related to Riley’s accident, and it seemed that he could no longer bite his tongue.  “Am I the only one thinking it?” he said angrily.  

Of course, he wasn’t.  Liam’s mind was racing with all sorts of thoughts throughout dinner.  He knew this was serious.  He knew that more needed to be done, but he didn’t want to swoop in and take control of the situation when that was clearly not what she wanted.  Things were awkward and tense enough as is.

“A woman in your condition shouldn’t be by herself,” he shook his head in admonishment.  

“I’m sorry?” she asked.  “What do you mean?”

“You have severe facial injuries and a broken leg.  Lady Andy will be returning with Maxwell to Cordonia, at which time, you will be left with your assistant who is single-handedly keeping your meager source of income afloat.  This apartment is a closet.  You will hardly be able to maneuver by yourself in such a limited amount of space.  This is another disaster waiting to happen, which will force us to fly down here again to assist you.  So really, you’d be doing everyone a great service by simply ending this façade of being an independent woman who can ‘manage.’”

Bertrand was right.  She as doing an excellent job of keeping herself together for their sake, but Liam knew Riley well enough to know that she was falling apart inside.  He desperately wanted to piece her back together, but he just didn’t know how.

“Guys, I’m done talking about things, okay?  I’m fine.  I’m better than fine, okay?  Eventually the bruises and gashes will heal, and I’ll look like me again.  But for now, just stop the coddling,” she sighed.  “You came here to eat, so let’s eat,” she sighed in exasperation.  “I don’t want to talk about going back to Cordonia.  Got it?”

Liam looked at her sadly.  This wasn’t the life he wanted for her.  She should be back in Cordonia by his side.  None of the others pressed the issue any further, and the rest of dinner had been fairly quiet with little to no talking whatsoever.  Perhaps it was better that way.  It would give her a chance to cool down, and maybe, just maybe he’d have a chance to talk to her alone later.

“Who wants to go for some ice cream?” Andy asked the group. “I think ice cream makes everything better, and it’ll be nice to get out of here for a while,” she suggested.

“I’m game!” Alicia said cheerily.

“I think I’ll pass,” Riley murmured.  She looked as if she were ready for bed, but Liam didn’t want to miss out on this opportunity.  If she were going to be by herself, it would be the perfect time to talk to her.  To tell her how sorry he was for everything he said and did.  Maybe it would make things right again, and they could pick things up where they left off.   “I’m really glad I got to spend time with everyone,” she said honestly.  “Sorry . . . for getting so upset.  There’s just so much going on . . . Thank you . . . for being so worried about me, for coming all this way.”

Liam waited patiently as the others said their goodbyes.  He had hoped they wouldn’t linger too long.  He wanted her to get some rest, but he also wanted to be sure that he had ample enough time to talk to her.

“Liam, are you coming?” Maxwell asked, his eyes drifting between Riley and Liam when he noticed that Liam hadn’t moved from his seat on the couch.  Liam snapped out of his daze realizing that it was just he and Maxwell left back in the apartment with Riley.  

He cleared his throat, and stretched his arms over his head.  “Actually, I think I may just go back to the hotel.  Thank you for the lovely invitation, but I’m afraid I’m still a bit jetlagged and I really should check in with Bastien on affairs back home,” he politely explained, still not making any movement to stand up or show any indication of leaving.

Maxwell shot him a look of understanding.  “And you can make it back to the hotel by yourself?” he asked.  “It took us a while to find their apartment” he began to say.  He noticed Maxwell shoot Riley a quick glance as well.

“I’m sure I’ll figure it out, Maxwell,” he responded a bit impatiently.  His eyes darted back toward Riley momentarily.  “Please don’t let me hold you back from enjoying the rest of your evening.”

Drake popped his head back into the apartment, his eyes meeting Liam’s.  Liam shot Drake a quick shake of his head, letting him know that he wouldn’t be joining them.  Drake turned his attention to Maxwell.  Liam had hoped he had gotten the hint that he wanted to be left alone with Riley so that they could have a chance to talk.

“Are we going or not Maxwell?”

“Right then,” he nodded, shooting a look at Riley.  “I’ll see you both later,” he nodded.  “Call us if you need us,” he added as he closed the door behind him.

He wanted to reach out to her, pull her in his arms and tell her that he loved her.  Let her know that all he wanted to do was take care of her. He wanted to beg her to come back with him, to start over.  To share his life and love with her.  He stood up, letting his eyes scan over her.  God, she was so beautiful.  Even though she was ill, there was still such a quiet beauty about her that he just couldn’t get enough of.  He didn’t want to scare her off, so he waited until she was comfortable enough to say something.  Anything.  He hoped she wouldn’t kick him out.  It would kill him if she asked him to leave.

“Liam . . .,” she trailed off.  “Did you really have work to do?  Back at your hotel?” She asked.

He shook his head nervously, running his hand over the tense muscles at the back of his neck.  “No,” he said quietly.  “I was just hoping to steal a few moments with you.  I believe there’s quite a bit to talk about,” he licked his lips nervously.  

He wouldn’t force her to talk to him, but if she was willing, he’d tell her everything he should have told her two months ago.

“I suppose we do,” she whispered.

“I don’t think I’ve said it tonight, but I’m so happy you’re okay,” he said softly.

“Thank you,” she said quietly.

There was a silence between them that he absolutely hated.  It was so awkward and tense.  When they were in Cordonia, they spoke about everything and anything.  It had been so easy.  He remembered how wonderful it had felt to lay in bed whispering to one another and their hopes and dreams, how in between conversations, they’d sneak soft kisses and gentle touches in.

“I know things are hard right now, Riley.  I don’t want to complicate things or upset you in any way . . .” he trailed off.  “That wasn’t my intention in coming here.”  He paused, trying to ensure he hadn’t upset her.  He wanted this conversation to start off on the right foot.  He needed her to know that he was worried about her, but didn’t want her to be angry with him.

“Yes, well, I didn’t expect to see you here  . . . considering how things were left between us,” she said honestly.

He flinched at her mention about what had happened.  He wanted to be honest, and tell her that he wasn’t originally going to come, but he didn’t.  Why make things more uncomfortable than they already were?  “I need to apologize for that,” he began, reaching for her hands, but she pulled away from him.

“Don’t,” she muttered.

His heart broke.  She couldn’t even bear to have him touch her.  Clearly, she was a lot angrier than he had anticipated.  He had hoped that by coming here, she’d see how much she meant to him, but he realized then that he had gone too far this time.  He started to lose hope that things could be repaired.  After everything he had put her through, she had finally had enough.  He tried to hide the hurt, but an unhappy frown still sat on his face.  “I wasn’t thinking when we last saw one another,” he admitted.  

“That’s an understatement.” She spat out.  “Liam, you told me to leave.  You spent all our time together fighting for me to stay, and then you tell me to get out of your life over a stupid misunderstanding,” she yelled.  “That was more than not thinking.  That was downright cruel,” she said angrily.

Her words stung.  Cruel.  What a vile word.  He hadn’t meant to be cruel.  He was angry.  And he was hurt, too.  How did he know what to believe?  She wanted so desperately to go back to New York, and he just assumed it was because she wanted to continue things with Paul.  After all, he had flown all the way to Cordonia for her.  They shared a relationship . . . why wouldn’t they?

“You have every right to be angry with me,” he said.  “I should never have treated you that way.  I’m so very sorry, Riley.  I was jealous and angry, and it was wrong of me to take it out on you.  When Bastien told me he saw you kiss him . . . a part of me died inside.  I didn’t want to go through the heartache of losing you again.  I had decided that if you still had feelings for Paul, I wouldn’t stop you.”  

He wanted her to forgive him so badly.  He knew then that he had made a mistake, but maybe he had waited too long to make amends.  Maybe she didn’t care about an apology anymore.  Maybe she didn’t want him anymore.

“I don’t have feelings for Paul.  I didn’t then, and I don’t now,” she said firmly.  “Is that what you thought was going on all this time?  That I was back here playing house with Paul?”

She had a right to be angry, but her words stabbed at him like a knife.  He could admit that’s what he thought was happening at first.  He thought she went right back into Paul’s arms and they were having a good laugh at his expense.  He saw the look in Paul’s eyes the day he came to the Beaumont Estate.  He loved her.  Liam would know, he was certain he had the same look in his own eyes when he looked at her.  

“At first . . . maybe that crossed my mind,” he nodded.  “Then when you got hurt . .  . well of course, I found out that you were alone and struggling with things,” he said sadly.

“I’d never do that to you, Liam.  As mad as I was, I would never hurt you in that way.  God, if you had just given me an opportunity to explain what had actually happened, you’d know that he came onto me.  Not the other way around,” she sighed.  “What Bastien failed to mention was that I had to push him off of me and actually bite him to get him away from me,” she said firmly.  “It was not consensual in any way, shape or form.”

“I was wrong,” he said simply, he bowed his head down in shame.  He should have trusted her.  He should have had faith in her.  Two years ago she had gone to Cordonia blindly, not knowing what to expect, but she had faith in him.  She had faith in the fact that they could possibly have a life together.  It was her faith and trust in him that made him fall in love with her, and he couldn’t even bother to repay her with the same faith and trust.  He’d jumped the gun and destroyed their relationship in the process.

“Liam, I thought we were building something,” she said sadly.  “When I saw that ring . . .”

The ring that was sitting on top of his dresser in the hotel room.  He swallowed hard.  He couldn’t let her think that it was over for him.  He still wanted her.  Wanted them. “We were,” he looked at her longingly.  “I read the letter you left me.”

.  “I was beginning to think you tossed it in the trash,” she shrugged lightly.  “I guess it was my last ditch effort to tell you how I felt before I left.  When I didn’t hear from you, I assumed you either didn’t want to look at it or you had read it and just didn’t care . . .” she sighed.  “I meant every single word I wrote.  I don’t regret anything that happened between us.  I still don’t regret anything.”

His heart swelled, she had wanted him to contact her.  That meant she still loved him, didn’t it?  He had assumed she didn’t want to talk to him.  He assumed a lot of things over the last two months, all of which were very wrong.

“I didn’t know about the letter until the night of your accident,” he said with a bit of regret.  “Had I known . . . I didn’t read it until you were in the hospital for the second time,” he murmured.  “I was foolish to let you leave.  You’re right . . . life is hard . . . love is hard . . . but it’s not worth it unless you work for it.  It’s not meant to be easy.  I should have fought harder for you.  I should have listened.  I made a terrible mistake back in Cordonia, and when I found out about your accident and how sick you were . . . it made me realize how much I loved you.  How much I’m still in love with you.”

There.  He’d said it.  He was still in love with her.  She had to know how he felt about her.  That was the whole purpose of tonight.  He wanted to make sure she understood how much she meant to him.

“Liam, you don’t get to walk back in after you break someone’s heart and think that everything is fine again because you apologized.  These sorts of things can’t just get swept under the rug,” she said firmly.  “You hurt me far deeper than anything I’ve ever felt before.”

“Riley . . . there’s so much I want to say to you . . . I have so much to apologize for,” he said honestly.  

“Yes, you do,” she narrowed her eyes at him.  “I’ve gone through hell and back because of you, twice now,” she said honestly.  “I can’t survive a third time,” she said frankly.  “You don’t get to come here now . . . not just because I got hurt . . . not just because . . .” Why did she stop?  He wanted to know what she was thinking.  What could she possibly mean by that?  Had the break up really hit her that hard?  He was right to feel guilty.  He had driven her to the state she was in.  He destroyed her emotional state so terribly that it was beginning to affect her physically.  That’s not what he wanted at all.  If all of this was because of him, he’d do his damndest to fix it.  “All of this . . . It’s because of me?”

“Indirectly,” she sighed.

He was confused.  How could it possibly be because of him indirectly?  He frowned.  Something more was going on, and she wasn’t telling him the full story.  He wanted answers.  He was tired of the vague responses he received from Maxwell.  He was tired of the side glances that Andy and Maxwell shared with one another.  He wanted her to tell him the truth.  “Riley, what’s really going on?”

“Don’t change the subject, Liam,” she sighed.

His frown deepened.  He wasn’t changing the subject; he was finally addressing the elephant in the room.  There was something more going on here, and he couldn’t help but feel she was keeping things from him.  “I’m not trying to change the subject.  It all ties in.  You’re hiding something.  Why are you vomiting?” He said angrily.  “At dinner . . . when you left the table . . . it sounded as if you were about to pass out in there.  I thought you’d end up with a return visit to the hospital. It’s worrisome.  It wasn’t the first time,” he narrowed his eyes at her.  “Maxwell mentioned you were throwing up before we left for New York.  He was a bit worried about it.  I am too, for that matter. “

“Liam . . . you’re right . . . ,”

He waited, silently, his eyes never leaving her.

“God, you know what, I’m just going to say it.  There’s no easy way to tell you this . . .”

His heart was pounding inside of him.  He was worried she was going to tell him she had some sort of disease or that she was terminally ill.  She looked as if she was wrestling some major demons, and he couldn’t help but think about all of the possible medical conditions that she could have.  “Riley.  Whatever’s wrong, just say it.  I can handle it,” he said firmly.  He was teetering off the edge, and he needed for her to just say whatever it was because he was about to lose control.

“I-I’m pregnant,” she said softly.

At first, he thought he had misheard her, but as he saw the worry in her eyes, he knew he had heard her correctly.  “What?” he gasped out, standing from the couch.  “What did you just say?”

“I’m pregnant.”  Her voice was louder, clearer this time.

He stared at her in silence.  He slowly closed his eyes, his whole body tensing.  He could feel his jaw clenching.  Pregnant?  Of all the things that had been running through his mind, pregnancy hadn’t even been on the list.  

“Liam . . .” she began, needing to end the awkwardness she suddenly found herself in.

“How?” He asked bracing himself on the arm of her couch as he slowly sat back down.  They’d been careful . . . hadn’t they?  He paused, of course they hadn’t.  He hadn’t used a condom.  He mentally kicked himself for not taking the proper precautions.  He started to pace her living room floor, his head hanging low.  His mind was racing.  

“Well . . . in the usual way,” she sighed.  “We weren’t exactly careful,” she said.

He sighed heavily.  “I honestly hadn’t even thought of protection,” he murmured.  “Things just happened so fast . . . and it had been so long . . .” he looked at her intently.  “I just assumed . . .” he trailed off.  He thought she was on birth control.  Weren’t most women her age on something?  Then again, she hadn’t needed to be on anything.  She told him she hadn’t had sex with Paul.  She hadn’t had sex with anyone since him.  Why would she be on something if she wasn’t sexually active.  God, how could he have been so stupid?  So reckless.

“Neither did I,” she said honestly.  “I wasn’t being responsible.  I was on the depo shot, but I guess I must have missed the last shot because well  . . . here we are,” she trailed off.  “This wasn’t anything I did on purpose,” she added.

He knew she didn’t do this on purpose.  He hadn’t either.  Has he known she wasn’t on anything, he would have used a condom or waited . . . or pulled out . . . or something, anything.  A baby?  God, this couldn’t be happening, not when their relationship was in shambles.  My God, the pregnancy was what was making her so sick.  It wasn’t the accident, it wasn’t some sort of incurable disease, it was their child growing inside of her that was causing her to be so ill.  That’s what she had meant when she said he was indirectly responsible for her medical issues.  He had gotten her pregnant.

“Everything that’s been happening to you . . . the hospitalizations, your fall?”

He watched as her hand ran over her stomach.  She wasn’t even showing yet.  Her stomach was so flat still.  “All because of my little lima bean.”

He nervously squeezed his hands together.  “Lima bean?” He asked, he could feel how dry his throat had become.

“It’s a sort of nickname I came up with.  I have pictures, if you’d like to see them,” she suggested.  

His mind was still running at a mile a minute.  Pictures?  Not right now.  He needed to think.  Looking at the pictures would distract him from figuring out what was going to happen.  They were going to have a baby, and all sorts of arrangements would need to be made.  How could this have happened?  He was beginning to panic, and he couldn’t let her see how freaked out he was.  What was the council going to think?  The people?  He’d been negligent, and now there was a baby on the way.  His baby.  With a woman he wasn’t married to.  Good, respectable kings don’t allow this sort of thing to happen.  How long before she was showing?  Once the swell of her stomach grew, they wouldn’t be able to deny the fact that she was pregnant.

“I know this wasn’t the news you were expecting.  I wasn’t expecting it either,” she shrugged.  “But I’m not going to pretend to be sad or angry about this.  I’m happy about this.  This little lima bean inside of me is ours.  I needed to tell you because you’re this baby’s father.  You have a right to know, and you have a right to decide how you want to proceed from here,” she said nervously.  

“How long have you known?” He asked.  He wasn’t sure why he asked the question.  It didn’t matter how long she had known.  All that mattered now was how they were going to proceed from there.

“I found out the morning after my accident.  Turns out, the lima bean was messing with my body a bit,” she explained.  “I was a bit light-headed, feeling rundown.  Before I knew it I was tumbling down the stairs because of that woozy feeling,” she explained.  “I’m about nine weeks, maybe a little closer to ten.”

Ten weeks . . .just a little over two months pregnant.  He imagined she’d be showing soon.  Didn’t women usually begin to show around the second trimester?  He knew nothing about pregnancy or babies.  This was all so overwhelming.  If she knew for nearly a week, why hadn’t she called him?  She could have easily relayed a message to Maxwell and Maxwell would have been sure to talk to him.  He could have flown down here much sooner.  Perhaps prevent the second hospitalization from happening at all.

“Why didn’t you tell me the moment you found out?  I’ve been worrying for days about you.  Thinking that you had some sort of life-threatening disease,” he bristled.

“I didn’t know what to say,” she replied defensively.  “You told me to leave, Liam.  I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me again . . . let alone this baby.  And now you’re here . . . I just . . . I didn’t know what to do.”

“Is that what you think of me?”  She thought he would abandon his child?  They had loved each other deeply once.  Had she really thought that he was the type of man to abandon his responsibilities?  Of course he wanted to be in his child’s life.  He’d always wanted to be a father . . . he just never thought it would happen.  He wouldn’t allow Madeline to be the mother of his children, and after the divorce, he had accepted the fact that he wouldn’t have an heir.

“I didn’t know what to think after what happened in your study.  I had never seen you so cold . . . so . . . so devoid of any emotional connection.  We made love, day after day.  You proclaimed your love for me.  You talked about marrying me, then bam . . . just like that, it was all gone, and once again you left me in a broken heap.”

He knew he had treated her coldly, but she didn’t realize that he was hurting too.  Despite what Bastien saw not being true, the idea of her kissing Paul had devastated him.  His heart was broken, too.  She wasn’t alone in the heartache.  

An awful thought hit his head, and he instantly felt a bit nauseated.  What if he hadn’t flown down to check on her?  Would she have told him about the pregnancy?  Or would she have kept the baby hidden from him.  She was so angry with him, he suspected that’s just what she had planned to do.  The fear on her face when she first saw him in front of her apartment hadn’t been about seeing him after all that time.  It was because she didn’t want him to find out about the baby.  That had to be it.  “If I hadn’t have come, would you have told me?”  He asked loudly.

“Lower your voice,” she scolded.  “I have neighbors,” she sighed.

He could care less about her neighbors.  He needed her to answer him.  He needed to know the truth.  Would she have kept their child a secret from him?  Would she have deprived him of his right to be a father?  “Answer the question, Riley.  Would you have told me?”

“Y-yes, eventually.” she stuttered.  “Look . . . you’re upset . . . I get it.  I’ve been there,” she said honestly.  “But you need to figure out what kind of role you want to play in this baby’s life.  I don’t expect anything of you.”

He snorted, a displeased look crossing his face.  She didn’t expect anything of him?  Did she really think that he wouldn’t take responsibility for their child?  That he would force her to do all of this on her own?  She obviously knew nothing about him.  After all the time they spent together, all the love they shared . . .she didn’t know what kind of man he truly was.  It devastated him to that she thought so poorly of him.

“I don’t know what to say here, Liam.  I feel like everything I’m saying to you is wrong,” she shrugged.

He sighed heavily, running both of his hands through his hair.  His life had changed as soon as the words had left her lips.  His life was no longer his own.  He had a child to think about, and he would be a part of that child’s life, even if Riley didn’t want him.  He’d make sure that his child would be taken care of.

“So . . . um, I have my first appointment tomorrow, if you’d like to come,” she suggested.  “They’ll probably do an ultrasound . . . maybe hear the baby’s heartbeat.  Talk about what to expect . . .” she trailed off.

“I don’t know how to feel about this,” he said honestly.  “I’m not saying this to hurt you, but I just . . . there’s so much going through my head right now.”  Like how they were going to raise this child on two separate continents.  He’d be a part-time father.  That was the reality of this situation.  He’d never get to see his child, and when he did, he’d be a complete stranger.  He’d miss his or her first smile, first steps, first day of school, birthday parties, graduation . . . he wouldn’t be a permanent figure in his child’s life, because Riley wouldn’t want to leave New York.  She hadn’t wanted to leave because of her business, now with a child on the way, he knew she’d want to leave even less now.  He felt so sick.  He didn’t know what to say or do.  “Give me a chance to catch up, Riley.  I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of this.  It’s a lot to take in,” he said honestly.

She nodded, “Liam, I don’t want to hold you hostage over this pregnancy,” she said firmly.  “I am prepared to do this on my own.  Here,” she murmured quietly.  “My appointment is at ten o’clock tomorrow morning.  The address is on this card.  If you want to be a part of the baby’s life, you can come,” she said simply.  “I don’t have time to go back and forth with you about this, Liam.  I need stability.  The baby will need stability.  I need to be able to plan for my future, and his,” she said resolutely.

The baby will need stability.  Her words echoed inside of his head.  He knew that.  He wanted that for his child, but for him, stability meant he and Riley getting married, moving to Cordonia, and sharing their lives together.  Riley had an entirely different idea of what stability meant.  She wanted to stay in New York, with or without his support.  She had made that clear.  There was so much to consider.  How would he bring this to the council?  The monarch was stable, but something like this could cause its stability to waiver, and their enemies could use this as an opportunity to strike against them.  He felt so torn.  On one hand, he wanted to swoop her up in his arms and tell her that everything would be okay.  That they’d figure things out, but he knew that wasn’t the truth.  This pregnancy complicated things.  Astronomically.  In more ways than one.  He felt a wave of emotion run over him.  He knew if he didn’t keep it together, he’d start to cry.

“Like I said, Liam.  I can do this alone.  If this is too much for you . . . or you just aren’t ready to be a father . . . I won’t force you.”

He sighed, taking the card from her hand.  “Just give me a chance to think, Riley,”  he murmured as he stood up.  “I just . . . this is a lot.  A baby,” he said hoarsely.  His baby.  “I should get back to the hotel.  Think about things . . . what this means for me . . . for the monarchy,” he said gruffly.

He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.  He knew better than to bring the monarchy up to her.  It had been a sore spot in their relationship since the first social season.  He should have kept that part to himself.  

“Okay, Liam.  You do what you need to do to ensure that your precious Cordonia isn’t too scandalized by this pregnancy,” she said angrily.  “Just leave.  You should remember what those words mean right?  Now, I’m returning the favor.  Get out.”

“Riley,” he said firmly.  He wanted to explain that he hadn’t meant anything by it.  Why couldn’t she understand that he was still trying to process the idea of being a father.  He wasn’t expecting any of this to happen.  He needed time to figure things out.  He needed time to think.  He needed time to breathe.

“Just go,” she snapped.

He looked at her a final time, clutching the business card in his hand.  “Fine,” he muttered before leaving the apartment.  If she wanted him gone, he’d leave, but this wasn’t the end of this discussion.  Once he had time to think, they would need to talk again.  He wasn’t going to allow her to dictate how involved he was going to be with their child.  Whether she liked it or not, they were going to figure out how to get through this together.