#his milkshake brings all the boys/girls to the yard

[vampiressmoney]

Do you like slutty waists on people named James Hetfield?

Then this is for you.

[sophsun1]

#his milkshake brings all the boys and girls to the yard

[byuntrash101]

milkshake. — 정.우영

f!reader x sub!wooyoung ft. seonghwa & san smut | mdni 3k wooyoung needs to impress the ceo and chairman to get the newly open cfo position and for that he's planning to go all out, show off everything he's got. including his precious, stunning and bewitching wife: you. nsfw tags under the cut

#20: riding + nipple play (twt p☆rnlink) office!au, ceo!seonghwa, chairman!san, husband!woo, billionnaire boys club vibes (very wealthy), trophy wife!reader, babysitter!yeosang (mentionned), the three of them worship reader, woo is a fierce business man by day but your good boy by night, mommy kink, cowgirl, unprotected sex (they are married so i'll allow it for once), brief voyeurism from hwa and san, nipple play, wooyoung lowkey has an oral fixation, also he's obsessed with your boobs, actually the others are also obsessed with your boobs (your milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard), lactation, lots of praises, creampie, cockwarming, lowkey wholesome (idk im in my feels)

a/n: yeah for my first woo fic! cant believe it took me this long but i actually absolutely love this piece. it really feels like woo idk like kinda very determined and ambitious but also simping for the one he loves in private... i love him ok? 😣

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divider: @lavendergalactic

“I was just with Yeosang on the phone.” You settled the burgundy lips stick and grabbed your favorite blush. “He said she was exhausted after playing with uncle Sangie all day” you giggled picturing your little girl running around making his uncle crazy.

“Are you really going to wear that?” Wooyoung said as he lifted the dress you had chosen for tonight off the hanger with an almost disappointed expression.

You put down the blush powder and the brush you were holding to lower the volume of your “getting ready” playlist. You sighed, scanning your husband’s distressed face then the scrunched up material in his large balled fist. 

“What’s wrong with this dress? You’ve always liked it and isn’t black your favorite color?” 

“Yes it is but we need to make a strong impression tonight!” Wooyoung said, discarding the dress on the shared bed and disappearing in the adjacent walk-in closet. You shrugged and went back to your blush, time was running out and you still had to do something with your hair that was in the time being wet and wrapped in a towel.

“I have to show just how successful we are to show them how much more I can do for the company. I just have to get the job, '' Wooyoung said while rummaging through your wardrobe.

The CFO position had opened and Wooyoung was not about to miss his chance for a stupid simple black dress. Tonight was about showing off everything he got from the luxurious penthouse apartment in the heart of Seoul to the expensive sports cars tucked away in the garage and of course that included you. Without a doubt his most treasured accomplishment. His beautifully stunning wife. 

His fingers brushed over the sequins he was looking for and he pulled from the hanger a beautiful bodycon long dress. It was corseted at the waist and of a beautiful fiery red. It gave the exact message wooyoung wanted to convey: “alluring, daring, bold”.

He remembered when he saw you for the first time when he was just an intern finishing off university and entering the cruel cold world of business. Wooyoung fell for you on the spot. And the thing with this man is that he always gets what he wants. He was absolutely charming, witty, funny and of course obsessed with you. How could you not fall for him too? A year later he was buying you the ring. And you saw him year after year climbing the corporate ladder, making the right decisions, the right connections until he led the both of you here. 

You made the right choice when you picked him and his company will make the right choice when they’ll promote him. He’ll show them tonight.

He came back from the dressing room as you were taking the towel off your head. 

“Here, wear this!” he said, laying the dress on the bed. You approached him and pointed at the rather revealing dress. 

“Are you sure about this one?” you asked, lifting an eyebrow. 

“Absolutely certain” 

You shrugged once again and unwrapped your satin lounging gown to slip on the dress. As soon as you turned around, Wooyoung's heart jumped in his throat. The dress looked practically sewed onto your skin. It was kissing your frame beautifully and highlighting your womanly features perfectly. 

His eyes dropped to your decolletage and he swallowed hard trying to push back the thought of shoving his face right in your chest, pulling on the red fabric to make your breasts jump out, wrapping his lips around your nipples, sucking them, nibbling at them until they hardened under his hot tongue. Beg you to wrap your hand around his leaking coc-

“If your goal was to show off then it’s mission accomplished” you said, pulling Wooyoung out of his inner turmoil. You shook your shoulder slightly and your husband’s eyes diligently followed the swaying of your breasts which made you smirk. You knew he was holding back with everything he got. He never was able to resist you but you enjoyed watching him try.

“You’re so fucking hot” he breathed out, jaw hanging loose.

“Woo! You don’t think you should be a little more refined than that? That kind of behavior won't impress CEO Park and Chairman Choi” you chuckled as your husband reluctantly peeled his eyes off your chest to settle on your smoked out eyes.

You were a vixen goddess, created solely to have men kneeling at your feet. It was the only explanation that made sense.

Wooyong pulled on the Fendi blazer and checked his Rolex. Time was definitely running out but…

“Fuck them” Wooyoung huffed, taking a step towards you and pulling on the dress to reveal the object of his every fantasies. 

“Woo!! We’re going to be late” you slapped his shoulder, chuckling. He didn’t even last a handful of seconds.

“Please” he puffed quietly, wrapping his large hand around the lump of flesh lightly squeezing it, watching it ooze out of his grasp. He already sounded desperate. And you knew he was by the way his rock hard cock was pressing on your hip. But just in case you didn't catch on yet, Wooyoung made it very clear.

“Please, mommy. Let me have just a little taste” he looked up at you with such pleading eyes. Nothing of the fierce and determined business man he was a second ago and will be in a minute from now.

“Fine baby.” you admitted defeat and instantly wooyoung wetted his pretty lips and wrapped them around your nipples sucking on the bud and pressing them with his palm until they started leaking his favorite treat. So warm, velvety and sweet. Perfect.

He didn’t waste a single drop hungrily sucking and swallowing in big gulps. You moaned at your husband’s fervor before pushing him out lightly.

“Enough”.

Wooyoung extended his neck just to prolong the pleasure for a brief second before he popped off your chest with a lewd wet sound. 

He wiped the milk with his thumb. “Go and get ready” He said before licking a drop o white milk on his thumb. So he turned on his heels and left.

In the next minutes you did your hair in an elegant updo that complimented the rest of the ensemble. And you finished off the look with a pair of opened toed high heeled sandals.

Meanwhile Wooyoung tended to the rest of the preparations and just as he went over the menu one last time with the private chef the doorbell rang. 

“CEO Park, Chairman Choi, please enter” Wooyoung said politely inviting the guests in. 

“Aaaah Wooyoung-ah!” Mr Park tapped Wooyoung’s shoulder in a friendly manner. “Thank you for having us” Mr Choi said, lightly bowing his head, as always his manners were irreproachable.

“Very nice place” Mr Park noted as he admired the high ceiling of the hall and the huge stairway leading to the upstairs.

“Thank you, CEO Park” Wooyoung smiled politely.

“Come on, call me Seonghwa!” he said, tapping his shoulder once again. “We might have to work a little closely, so we better get used to being familiar, huh?” Mr Park gave a light squeeze on his shoulder. Wooyoung’s eyes turned round with surprise. He turned to Mr Choi to make sure he heard correctly and the latter gave him a small knowing smile that creased his cat-like eyes. Wooyoung’s face brightened up, things were going even better than he expected.

“Right, Sannie?”

“Of course! You played your cards well up until now. There’s no reason we should change our minds tonight, right?” The Chairman smiled again.

“Yes! Of course, sir” Wooyoung bowed respectfully and returned the bright smile, radiating. “Please follow me to the living space. My wife will join us short-”

“I’m here, honey” You said from the top of the stairs. Gently picking up your red dress before descending.

As soon as you appeared all three heads whipped to you. You were absolutely stunning, captivating their gaze with just the way your legs were supporting you and letting you down the stairs so elegantly. Wooyoung’s smile grew twice as large when he saw from the corner of his eyes Mr Park’s talkative mouth close in surprise and Mr Choi mechanically pull on the collar of his italian tailored shirt that suddenly felt a little tight. He knew they wanted to throw themselves on their knees and kiss your feet. It was in their mortal nature to worship a goddess like you. 

“Please excuse me. I was held back for a while” you simply excused yourself while the two other men thickly swallowed and tried to regain composure to start articulating something that sounded intelligible. 

“There’s no need to apologize,” Mr Park said, round eyes turning sharp all of a sudden. “You look sublime, Madam” You giggled as he took your hand and laid a soft kiss on the back. 

“Oh thank you, what a charmer” you laughed exchanging a winning look with your husband. 

You knew how much he liked to see other men eyeing you like candy knowing he was the one holding your hand every day and tasting you every night. He loved to show you off. Seeing other men drooling over you, imagining in a split second how a night with you would feel just reminds him you are his. His only. They can look all they want that only fuels your husband.

And the spell was definitely casted as Mr Choi’s gaze was inevitably pulled by the magnetic power of your cleavage, he eyed your chest with little to no restrain. The legendary Choi Clan’s princely manners didn’t last long, Wooyoung thought, grinning to himself.

“Mr Choi, you bowed respectfully making the man blush slightly as he also bowed.

“Mrs. Jung.”

“Please follow me. Let's sit and enjoy tonight” Wooyoung said, saving Mr Choi from more embarrassment. 

As the evening  progressed you all had drinks before moving on to the meal. You captured the attention more than once of the two other men trying so hard not to look below your neckline. Of course they couldn't. But Wooyoung really shined through. He was talking strategy and finance for the company but also knew how to entertain the guests. He was funny but also incredibly competent. That much was obvious. Of course he was! He was your husband. Nothing resisted him. Not even you. 

At some point the night was well advanced, the house staff all went home and after so long you just couldn’t handle anymore of all this attention on you, you needed a little break from it all. You excused yourself to the bathroom. 

Since you had deserted the battlefield you figured you would send a small encouragement to your husband. You took your phone and hit ‘record’. You pulled down the dress once again, making your breast jump out of the fabric, they were so full, already pearling. You lightly palmed them with one hand and pinched your nipple, making yourself moan in release before pulling on it making your tit spurt out a big squirt of white warm milk, you sighed and moaned, your milk spilling on the marble floors. You barely managed to keep your voice down and you figured you should probably stop there before you make an even bigger mess. So you hit ‘send’.

“Where did you find her, Wooyoung-ah? She’s incredible. Right, San?” Mr Park asked, blatant admiration in his voice made airy with the alcohol. Wooyoung laughed, happy to add yet another name to the long list of your suitors. 

“She is quite the lady isn’t she?” Mr Choi agreed, tilting his head back and downing the rest of his whisky, already crimson red in the cheeks.

Wooyoung’s phone chimed when he pulled it out he noticed it was a video file he muted his phone and played the video, without realizing the other two were peeping at the screen. He immediately felt his pants grow tighter as you pulled on the dress revealing your breasts. And when you squirted the milk out he was about to lose it.

“Fuckkk” Mr Choi let out in a quiet whisper.

“Wow” Mr Park breathed simultaneously.

Both their voices were drenched in need and transpired arousal beyond comprehension. Even though they were sitting, there was no need to see below their waistline to know they both were hard and leaking.

All three men looked at each other in shock. For a second silence fell between them. Wooyoung knew he could have been a little more careful and the other two knew they shouldn’t have peeped but it was too tempting. You were too tempting. 

“Looks like she needs you right there, Wooyoung-ah” Mr Choi said before sitting up. “I think we overstayed our welcome. Are you ready to go, CEO Park?”

Wooyoung accompanied them to the front door despite the discomforting tightness of his pants but it was an issue the other two were sharing. 

“I believe we’ll see you in your new office on Monday, CFO Jung?” Mr Choi winked at Wooyoung and went on his way while Mr Park stayed back.

“You’re one lucky bastard, you know that?” he added before joining Mr Choi.

As soon as Wooyoung closed the front door he ran upstairs with big strides to your bedroom where he found you waiting for him standing in the middle of the room. 

“You did such a good job today, Youngie” you said, spreading your arms where he immediately engulfed himself, nuzzling your neck with his nose that you loved so much. You sat him on the edge of the bed while you stood and his face slipped from your neck to your breasts. 

Finally his happy place.

“You were such a good boy for mommy today”

“I was?” he looked up at you with loving, sparkly eyes.

“Yes of course you were, CFO Jung”

“Fuck it sounds so good when you say it” He huffed and you chuckled. 

“You deserve your reward” you zipped down the red gown and let it pool at your feet. Wooyoung almost exploded just looking at you. He wanted to be all over you, to worship you but he knew better than to say anything. He knew he just had to wait and so he did when you stripped him off his clothes until you were both in your simplest forms. 

You pushed on his chest until he was leaning back on his elbows, feet still flat on the floor.

“You’re going to be a good boy and let mommy ride your pretty cock?”

“Y-Yesss mommy. I’ll be g-... fuck- I’ll be so good for you” he panted as you pumped his cock a couple of times between your fingers before straddling him and aligning hm with your entrance. “Look at me baby” you whispered as you were lowering your hips, Wooyoung eyes snapped to yours, they looked so distressed, they were begging for help. And you were about to grant his wish.

“Nhhgggg Fffff- Mommy~” Wooyoung’s last two brain cell were officially bing fried beyond recognition as he felt your warm and wet pussy taking him. You felt like heaven, so tight but so welcoming. So fucking perfect that he had to focus on anything that wasn’t you not to bust immediately. He looked at the moldings on the ceiling or the subtle diamond pattern of the satin sheets just so he could last for you. Be good for you. It was what he desired most. He wanted to make you feel good.

“Mmmhh so good my baby” you cooed, your voice a tad strained. You too were pretty worked up and you knew you wouldn’t last long. All this teasing made you quite impatient and you started to rock your hips back and forth immediately taking a rhythm that you knew was aiming the both of you straight to the finish line. 

“Fuck mommy please I want t-… nghhh- to have mommy’s milk” Wooyoung cried as his cock throbbed inside you. You wrapped your hand around his nape and brought his mouth to your tit. 

“Drink up, baby”

“Fank youph” Wooyoung said his mouth full eagerly sucking on your nipples while your hips rolled and bucked against his, making him see stars and forget about anything that wasn’t you and him. The precious nectar flooded his mouth and he swallowed in thick gulps, white and sweet milk spilling down his chin and dripping onto his abs. 

“Good boy, good baby” you huffed as you picked up the pace earning another perfectly muffled moan from your devastatingly cute husband. You were very close, your cunt clenching down on Wooyoung’s length like it was the last time ever.

“Now you’re gonna cum for ma baby Okay?” you panted. “Make mommy nice and full with your cum, okay?”

“Yeshyeshyesh” Woyoung mumbled, sucking even harder on your hard and leaking nipple. Urging you to rutt your hips even faster making him whine and whimper as his cock was ready to implode inside you.

“Fuckk baby you’re so good. So so good for me~~” 

“Mommyyy” Woyoung said, finally losing it as he took your nipple between his teeth harshly pulling at the skin, squirting a stream of milk onto his wet tongue while he pumped you full of piping hot cum.

You moaned and arched your back as you came undone, the stimulation on your tit paired with the delicious filling sensation in your lower stomach swept you off in a wave of mind numbing pleasure, your cunt throbbing around Wooyoung’s cock until it was certain he had given you everything he had to offer. 

You stayed exactly like this. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and held him tight to your chest as you both tried to catch your breath, mind pleasantly fuzzy after an intense orgasm.

After a while you pulled back slightly, careful to not let his softening cock slip out, keeping him nice and snug inside your heat. You kissed his pretty and reddened face, his cheeks, moles,  nose and lips. Everywhere you could, pushing his dampened hair out of his pretty eyes.

“Excellent work, CFO Jung. The company is lucky to have you. But I’m even luckier.”

a/n: thanks for reading <3333

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[scoobydoodean]

why is dean so funny and perfect? 🤔 I think we should start disk horse about how impressive his comedic timing is and how his face is made for smooching and how his milkshake brings all the girls and boys to the yard <3

So true 😌

[greyeyedmonster-18]

Imagine a mean girls au

How would you cast Remus and Sirius??

oh this is a fun one. and hear me out. i know we love the idea of remus being the weird new kid from Africa who gets thrown into chaos but, that's not it.

Regina George is Sirius. I don't make the rules. Her iconic so you agree you think you're really pretty is such a sirius thing to say, and the like...pointed so smiley and polite to your face thing?

also theres a scene where they go to Reginas house and her little sister is belly dancing in front of the tv?? Regulus. Regulus would be there practicing how to bring the boys to the yard with his milkshake all day every day.

and Sirius would make a spinal halo look GREAT and everyone would wear one to prom the end.

i actually think James is a Cadie Heron variant. Traveling doctor parents and like, only child James. Meets Sirius and is like "yeah this is my new best friend". (obviously there's no fighting over a boy because everyone's gay as Christmas morning here).

WHICH BRINGS ME TO.

Remus as Gretchen Weiners. Jewish, tiny. cracks under pressure, would 100000p kick a boombox into someone else's face. Would be obsessed with Sirius (because he loves him and didn't realize it yet). also love throwing remus a bone and letting his father be the inventor of toaster strudle.

(you didn't ask but Peter is Karen Smith, the end.)

[respectthepetty]

Since I decided the best way to make it through Our Skyy 2 with minimal damage is to drink my way through it, welcome to the second round of

CockTails in the Skyy!

This week's drink is Sun & Stars to celebrate my two precious Sunflowers (JOONGDUNK!) in Star in My Mind:

gin & tonic (to balance the bitter and sweet of this pair's dynamic)

pineapple juice (for that beach vibe)

elder flower syrup and vanilla bean sugar on the rim to add to the sickly sugariness I know I'm in for

"You are every shade of yellow for me, Daonuea."

I made it strong because I already know what happens for SeanMaithee, and with no further tears to cry, let's get this wedding party started, so I can be properly upset.

Bottoms up!

That was a very Lana del Rey's "National Anthem" beginning: "I love him. I love him. I love him."

"How many times did you make me cry? How many times did you break my heart?" <- gin & tonic was the right choice

Too much sweetness (pineapple juice), but I think it will sort itself out with the looks Daonuea is giving right now

The water bottles are blurred, so I'm taking that as a sign to only drink alcohol for these episodes.

Sean and Maithee are too hugged up with each other for this to go the way I know it'll go. I'm already bitter <-gin & tonic was the ONLY choice

The dental students stay doing the most. Mork in Fish Upon the Sky was basically a one-man EMT, Ana in Love Mechanics and Future is checking everyone's temp, and now Kluen is saving all the girlies. Where are the future doctors at?! Coasting?

Hold on! Is Typhoon a future medical doctor? I thought he was a dentist too? Still Dr. Typhoon, but why aren't the doctors doing their volunteer hours in any show ever?!

Min's friend is ON THE GROUND and she is trying to flirt. Priorities, my girl.

Hearing Maithee say he has a date WITH A GIRL, just to hear "O Come All Ye Faithful" right afterwards got me effed up. This is chaotic.

Daonuea is still wearing that sunflower bracelet! Thank goodness for the product placement, so I could see it.

Palm and Kluen both telling their men that they are all they need in life is some real water sign bs. Where are my fire signs?!

Oh snaps! The first episode is already done!

More Sun & Stars for episode 2

Since I'm already a Bitter Body, I went heavy-handed with the gin and skipped the pineapple juice for the second episode. Good choice.

The scene going from Daonuea and Kluen being all lovey-dovey immediately to Typhoon looking at them in his feelings felt like a personal attack. Alexa, play Sam Smith's "I'm Not Here to Make Friends" 'cause "I NEED A LOVER!"

I legit stopped the show so I could hear that song, and now Phoon wants to confess he has someone. Another attack!

The friend group being disgusted by these two is the only appropriate response.

Kluen is being a damn water sign again with his response about how he would feel if they never meet again. You are both 10s, sir! Start acting like it! I just need one of these Bl boys to pop off like Cardi B - "I'm a boss bitch! Who you gonna leave me for?"

There is ham and cheese in the spaghetti. Is that a thing?

"Why did you two stop fighting?" - Because they joined the music club and exchanged colors, duh.

I cannot be rational about JoongDunk. I CANNOT!

Prince was too busy talking to his time-traveling boyfriend in Midnight Museum to film a cameo, I see.

Everyone walking away from Pawin is why I'm a captain of the "Pawin's Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard" step team

Daonuea saying Noel is hard to approach is SLANDER!

Kluen is salty like them Lay's chip GMMTV snatched from WinTeam and Between Us with all these boys in his room.

I'm so glad Typhoon and Daonuea can be friends too considering the violence that ensued last time.

God, I miss the (unnecessary) drama.

I noticed this on The Warp Effect, but Joong stays looking soft yet sensual.

Where is King's mom from Bed Friend to dunk on this ring? Because this ain't it, sir. Is the star a sapphire? Is the center of the sunflower a pearl? Diamond? ¿Qué es esto?

Rose petals are romantic and all, but let's stick to the theme. Where are the sunflower petals?!

What in the Blair Witch Project was that tree lantern thing?

Kluen saying he used up all his luck snagging Daonuea is so . . . he is a Cancer? A Pisces?! WHAT IS THIS?! He was not laying it on this thick in the show.

Oh, thank goodness, it ended right when I ran out of gin.

For the rating, the drink and the episodes were too sweet, yet somehow still very bitter because no SeanMaithee. I got JoongDunk, a proposal, and alcohol, so I'll take my wins where I can get them.

7/10 CockTails for doing its job but being bittersweet.

I'm going to have to make my Jack Nasty much stronger than I planned for next week's episodes of The Eclipse considering we are getting that strange teacher/student relationship.

"this is a god damn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation"

[i-put-the-s4p-in-s4pphic]

here are the other LOSERS I'm considering to f/o😒 /lh /silly

I'd ship them both with kazumi bc she's my main girl and yk what? her milkshake does bring all the boys to the yard🥛 (I need to be sedated)

G.enya

I've always wanted to fuck him. there I said it😐 when I first got into the show and started selfshipping I was like "tee hee maybeee" but then I got stressed w life and the morals of proshipping and I already felt bad for f/oing z.enitsu bc I'd eventually outgrow him-🤦🏽‍♀️

It was a whole thing but fuck it, if z.enitsu can have n.ezuko (I don't really ship it lmao but you get my point) then kazumi can have g.enya. equality🤝⚖️

In canon, they bond a little over their unique ways of fighting demons and maybe do some target practice. They're not besties, but they're chill. G.enya would've been more likely to approach kazumi than early t.anjiro that's for sure (leave his tooth alone sir😭)

In my modern au they're closer. I think they struggle over maths together, kazumi joins the gun club (idk what it's called) and they fight sometimes for fun<3 boys will be boys or whatever💕

S.anemi

Again... I've always wanted to fuck him😔 but with him I was like "girl he already has all these fans and you're thirsting over nitsu shim and his BROTHER!? calm down🫵🏼

but now I'm like fuck it we ball🕺

In canon, I think s.anemi roughed kazumi up a little bit (along w o.banai but that's a WHOLE OTHER POST) at her meeting with kaguya. there's tension at first, but he grows a bit of a soft spot for her after learning about her village, her little sister (I also think he thought she was a boy at first so when he learned she was girl I think he would've felt a little bad since he canonically has a soft spot for kids, girls and old people I think?) they have a strained mentor and student relationship.

like anytime they see each other he's immediately making her run drills but also shitting on her to not push herself like?? mf pick a lane😭 but kazumi appreciates it and sometimes goes to him for advice or simple conversation which he refuses to admit how much he enjoys lol. (PUSSY)

In modern au, he's still a math teacher but he's also her friends older brother👀👀 you see where I'm going w this..

listen, this whole thing was inspired by a modern au tenzen fic I read today and I've been lowkey shipping it, but I also didn't want kazumi to be left out so I said "yk what? she can fuck a teacher too. equality💪" /silly

but uh yeah ah ha ha. that's all

*dies cutely*

[alaynestone]

hey vicky, happy wincest wednesday! if you had to give Dean a 'special power' what do you think would be fitting for him? (how would Sam react?)

happy wincest wednesday on a wednesday!!

hmm, so many possibilities but i'm gonna go with SIRENING. we all know how dean's milkshake brings all the boys, girls, monsters and divine entities to the yard. it's something that takes his already supernatural seeming charm to a whole new level and creates a new bunch of issues for him and the way he relates to others. makes it all more overt and textual.

the way sam would react i think would depend on how young he is when he finds out about dean's gift. if he knows early on, it's something that connects them more and makes dean supernaturally freaky like him. difference is dean is freaky in a way john can exploit to make their lives and jobs easier while sam only has bad dreams and feels a persistent sense of wrongness he doesn't know how to explain. dean's non-yed related powers don't make john any more willing to share information with sam, so that part of their family dynamic largely remains the same. but i also think john still instills a sense of secrecy in them about dean's persuasiveness. they don't talk about it unless they have to. it's "you know what to do" and dean femme fatales the monster of the week. again, canon on steroids only with dean in a less vulnerable position.

that brings me to how possible it is that sam doesn't find out about it until later. the more i think about it the more convinced i am that it would be another secret between dean and john. when sam does discover the secret, it makes him look at their relationship in a new light and question whether any of his choices were his own. it's also incredibly tempting to attribute his own wincesty feelings to dean messing with his head. eventually this is something that brings them closer, but they have to go through a hell of angst and miscommunication first.

but wonderfully messy potential aside, there is no version of the story where dean has to use mind control to get sam to leave jess and go hunting with him.

[maybeimamuppet]

i'll take you anywhere but dinner

hiiiiiiiii happy wednesday 

have this 

based on the tumblr post above bc i’m real creative 

also big thanks to parker (@parkitaco /Whyyyyy on ao3) for letting me borrow her brand lol. please go read their stuff bc they do it more beautifully than i ever could lol

tw for 

mentioned sexual harassment 

mentioned canon stuff (outing etc) 

and as always if i’ve missed something please let me know so i can add it in!

enjoy!

————-

“Do we have to go out this time, guys? I’m tired,” Cady whines, fluffing her hair out after tugging on her Mathletes jacket. 

“Yes,” all of her teammates say at the same time. 

“It’s tradition, Africa,” Kevin tuts. “We won, don’t you wanna celebrate?” 

“Ew,” Cady groans as Kevin wags his eyebrows suggestively. “We’re going to Sunshine’s, not Hooters. Pervert.” 

“I got game anywhere, Heron,” Kevin hums. “Let’s roll out!”

“It’s a block away, Kev.”

“Heron, get off my dick!” 

—————

The diner is mostly empty since it’s past midnight, so they all seat themselves in a booth and wait to be served. Kevin and Tyler immediately start dicking around, blowing straw wrappers at each other and pelting one another with the peanuts on the table. 

After a brief wait, their waitress finally walks up to their table with their menus. 

“Damn, girl!” Kevin says immediately after laying eyes on her. Cady looks up to see what he’s on about this time and nearly chokes on her peanuts. 

Their waitress is gorgeous. Tall, vaguely muscular, beautiful even in the unflattering uniform the employees wear. Her hair is tied back in a ponytail, the ends of it a platinum blonde and the roots a brown so dark it’s almost black. 

She looks at Cady’s motley crew, mirth twinkling in her coffee brown eyes and a smirk gracing her red-painted lips. Her makeup is darker than Cady thinks Sunshine’s uniform allows, but damn if it doesn’t work on this girl. 

“Welcome to The Sunshine Diner, where the sun always shines, even if it’s the middle of the night,” she begins with a small sigh, clearly tired of repeating the schtick to every table. God, even her voice is beautiful. “My name is Janis, I’ll be your server this… uh, morning. What can I get for you?” 

“Your digits,” Kevin says. Janis looks at him with a small grin. 

“We’ll see how well you tip,” she replies easily, scrawling down their drink orders in her notepad. “Back in a sec.” 

“Kevin, quit skeezing on the waitress,” Cady huffs as soon as she’s out of earshot. 

“Africa, I have been single since the eighth grade. I can and will shoot my shot anywhere,” Kevin replies. 

“Clearly,” Cady grumbles. 

“Ooh, is Cady jealous?” Marwan teases. 

“No!” Cady says, too quickly, as all the boys laugh. 

“You so are!” Aaron teases. “Want her to take you in the back and show you how they make their milkshakes?”

“Her milkshake would certainly bring all the boys to the yard,” Tyler sighs, resting his head on his hand. 

“You guys are so gross!” Cady groans. 

“Please don’t be gross in my section, I have to clean up after you,” Janis says as she returns with a tray of drinks seemingly effortlessly balanced on her arm. “Alright, lemonade for you, Sprite that we’re legally not allowed to call Sprite for you, coffee for you, bold choice but I dig it. A water, and… a chocolate milk for the lady.” 

“Loser,” Tyler teases, gently kicking Cady in the shins beneath the table. She kicks him back a bit harder. 

“Crackhead.” 

“Hey, caffeine is legal!”

“It’s midnight!” Cady retaliates.

“It’s morning,” Tyler hums, taking a sip of his coffee. 

“And I gave you decaf,” Janis smirks. “Are you ready to order?” 

“Thank you,” Cady says, genuine gratitude in her voice. Caffeinated mathletes are not what anyone needs this late at night. “I’ll have… um…”

“A piece of that-”

Cady claps a hand over Aaron’s mouth before he can even finish his sentence, knowing it won’t end well for anyone. 

“Maybe for dessert, pretty boy,” Janis hums. “But, I don’t get paid if I don’t feed you, so. Food?” 

Marwan and Tyler both get cheeseburgers, Kevin gets a chicken pot pie, Aaron decides on fried chicken for his actual food, and Cady tries not to stutter through ordering her Belgian waffle. 

“So, aside from taking my breath away, what do you do for a living?” Marwan asks flirtatiously once Janis has their orders written down. Janis tucks her pen behind her ear and looks down at her uniform, raising an eyebrow at him. 

“Smooth, Marwan,” Kevin teases. “Seriously though, I thought this was a diner, but it must be a museum, because you are a piece of art.” 

“I’m gonna go give you guys some time to work on your chat up lines,” Janis says, putting her notepad in the pocket of her apron and walking away with a smirk. 

“Nice going, Kevin,” Aaron huffs. 

“She’s just going to put the order in, that wasn’t my fault!” Kevin defends. 

“You scared her off!” Tyler accuses. 

“Why do you care? I don’t see you trying to get in there!” 

“‘Cause you made her leave before I got the chance!” 

“Guys,” Cady begs softly. “For the love of god. Can I please just get my waffle?” 

That gets them quoting Vines instead of trying to work on pickup lines for when Janis comes back. Which is still insufferable, but slightly less so. It’s manageable, at least. Cady groans quietly and gives up on having a peaceful evening, resting her head on the table while she waits. 

—-

“Alrighty, sorry about the wait,” Janis says when she returns with their meals. “Here you go.” 

Her hand brushes Tyler’s when she hands him his burger, prompting him to joke, “Wow, I’ve been touched by an angel.”

“You’re certainly touched by something,” Marwan retaliates. 

“Hey!”

“Can I get anything else for you?” Janis says with a slight chuckle. 

“A picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas,” Kevin says. 

“You don’t even celebrate Christmas!” Aaron accuses. 

“I would for you,” Kevin says, blinking at Janis like some kind of cartoon character trying to flirt. 

“I’m flattered,” Janis responds flatly, but she’s still smiling. 

“Can I please get a refill?” Cady asks softly. Janis takes her empty glass of chocolate milk. 

“Coming right up.” 

“Thanks,” Cady grins. Janis winks and heads back to the kitchen. 

“How is Cady the one who got a wink?!” Marwan asks in shock. 

“Because I’m respectful,” Cady hums haughtily. “Unlike you perverts.” 

“Nah,” Kevin says. “Must be the Kenya magic working its charm.”

“Yeah, definitely,” the other boys all agree. Cady shakes her head in exasperation as she pours syrup over her waffle and cuts it into bite sized bits. 

“Why do I hang out with you people?” she asks. 

“Because we are the chillest, dopest crew in town!” Aaron scoffs. Kevin gives him a high five, happy his slogan has caught on. 

Cady begrudgingly gives them a smile. “Yeah, I guess.”

“You love us,” Marwan teases. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Cady hums. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.” 

“This is definitely going to,” Tyler pouts. “I can’t believe she gave me decaf!” 

“Can you blame her?” Kevin asks. “It’s one in the morning.” 

“And that is a perfectly reasonable time to drink coffee!” 

“Just shut up and eat your cheeseburger,” Aaron says. Tyler huffs and pops a french fry in his mouth, choking a bit as their waitress makes her return. 

“Here ya go,” Janis says, placing Cady’s new glass of chocolate milk in front of her. “And… I snagged you a crazy straw. Can’t drink chocolate milk without one.”

Cady laughs as Janis hands over the bright purple twisty straw. “Thanks.” 

“No prob,” Janis grins. “Everything good for you guys so far?” 

“Yeah, thank you,” Cady says. 

“A date with you would make it a lot better,” Marwan purrs. Janis laughs. 

“Would it now?” she hums. Marwan nods. 

“Is your middle name Gillette?” Kevin asks. “Because you’re the best a man can get!” 

“You guys just keep those coming, huh?”

“They could go all night, save yourself,” Cady says. Janis laughs again. 

“Duly noted. I’ll be back in a bit. Enjoy, guys.” 

“Oh, we will!” Tyler calls. 

“You are truly exhausting,” Cady sighs. “All of you.”

“Thanks!” Kevin replies. 

“Not a compliment.”

“I think that’s for us to decide.”

—-

After they’ve gorged themselves on delicious, greasy diner food, they all slump down in the booth as they try to kick their digestive systems into gear. 

“How was everything?” Janis chuckles as she returns, resting their bill on the table. 

“Incredible,” Aaron groans. 

“Glad to hear it,” Janis replies. She looks at them oddly as they all suddenly sit up and wordlessly begin rock paper scissors, excluding Aaron since he paid last time. Cady and Kevin eventually end up neck and neck, but Cady comes away with the win. 

Kevin sighs and plops his card on the tray, breezing through the mental math to calculate a generous tip. Janis takes it back to process. 

“I hope you tipped her extra for having to deal with you pervs,” Cady jokes. 

“I’m not a total douche,” Kevin huffs. “And hey, maybe I’ll get her number. She said it depended on the tip.”

“No way! If anyone is going to it’s me,” Aaron says. “I’m handsome.”

“Yeah, and that’s your only character trait,” Tyler retaliates. 

Cady massages the bridge of her nose as all four of her friends get into another argument. She’s very grateful that they’re the only ones left in the diner. 

“We can never come back here,” she whispers. 

“Pfft, yeah you can,” Janis says, making Cady jump. “I need the money.” 

“Thank you,” Kevin says genuinely when she hands his card back. 

“My pleasure. Oh, and uh…” all four boys look very excited as she pulls a scrap of paper out of the pocket of her apron and scrawls something on it. She folds it up and passes it to Cady. “Text me. Have a nice night, guys.”

She winks at Cady and saunters away, leaving Cady blushing like a fool and all the boys yelling at her in indignation. 

“God damn it, Africa!” Kevin grumbles as Cady dances out the door. “You got too much game, it’s not fair.”

“Someone has to balance out the rest of you dweebs,” Cady says. Realization dawns on her then. “Oh my god, I got her number.”

“Yeah, yeah, rub it in.” 

—————

Cady has a small panic the next day, trying to work up the courage to text Janis. It takes a full hour of her Mathletes screaming at her in their group chat and threatening to text her themselves for her to send the first message. 

She pulls the crumpled paper out of the pocket of her Mathletes jacket, tapping the number into her phone. She grins a bit seeing the messy half-cursive scrawl, and realizes with a small grin that Janis wrote it on the back of their order ticket. 

africabytoto: Hey it’s Cady! :) 

She sends it and clicks her phone off, resting it facedown on her bed and curling into a ball as far away from it as she can get. She doesn’t know why she’s so nervous, but she can’t help it. 

Her anxiety only grows when minutes tick by and by. Almost a whole half hour goes by before her text tone pings off. 

snarkisian: do i know u?? 

africabytoto: OH shit uh

africabytoto: I was at the diner last night, you gave me your number 

africabytoto: Sorry I forgot to mention that

snarkisian: oh!! hey :)) 

snarkisian: it’s all good

snarkisian: sorry it took me a while to get back to u i just got off work 

africabytoto: It’s fine!! 

africabytoto: I’m sorry about my friends by the way

africabytoto: They’re good guys but they can be a lot sometimes lol 

africabytoto: I’m sorry if they made you uncomfortable 

snarkisian: nah they’re all good 

snarkisian: part of the job and all that

snarkisian: and i much prefer when it’s dudes my age and not sixty year olds staring at my ass yknow 

africabytoto: Oh god yeah 

snarkisian: i do have one question 

africabytoto: Oh yeah go ahead 

snarkisian: have ur friends ever like

snarkisian: *seen* a lesbian 

africabytoto: HAHAHA no way 

snarkisian: i gave u my number for a reason ;) 

Cady feels her heart skip a few beats. It wasn’t just to prove a point? Janis… actually wanted to give her her number? 

snarkisian: shit i didn’t scare u off already did i 

africabytoto: No

africabytoto: You didn’t 

Cady starts typing out Sorry I’m just and then pauses. What does she say? 

She eventually settles on thinking and hits send. She laughs when Janis responds with a few eyes emojis and a care to share?? 

Cady sighs. She starts typing a few times, deleting everything every time she gets past a few words. Does she really want to tell this girl she only met yesterday everything running through her head right now? 

She decides to at least broach the subject. Janis does deserve to know at least a little bit. 

africabytoto: You’re just the first girl who’s ever like, maybe shown an interest in me 

africabytoto: And I don’t have much experience in general 

africabytoto: Idk I’m just weird 

snarkisian: that’s not weird 

snarkisian: not like many pretty girls willingly take my number lol

snarkisian: and if u don’t want it to this doesn’t have to be anything like that. u seem chill and like you’d be a good friend 

Cady bites her lip, worrying it between her teeth as she tries to think of what to say next. Kenyan courage, come on. 

africabytoto: What if I do want it to be like that?

She thinks she can taste blood as the typing bubble pops up and disappears no fewer than five times. Did she read this that wrong? 

She only snaps out of it when she hears the little whoosh signifying she’s gotten a message back. 

snarkisian: really? 

africabytoto: Yeah

africabytoto: I don’t think that much harm could come from giving it a shot at least 

africabytoto: As long as you want to

snarkisian: i think giving it a shot sounds tits 

africabytoto: Is that a good thing? 

snarkisian: tits are the best thing 

africabytoto: Oh

africabytoto: Then grool

snarkisian: grool ?? 

africabytoto: Huh?

africabytoto: Oh shit

africabytoto: I meant to type great and then started to type cool

africabytoto: The one time autocorrect doesn’t come to my “rescue” 

snarkisian: oh lmao 

snarkisian: so

snarkisian: would it be grool of me to ask you on a date ?

africabytoto: Very much so 

africabytoto: What did you have in mind ?

snarkisian: idk i’ve never made it this far 

snarkisian: uh

snarkisian: do u have any ideas ?? 

snarkisian: i’ll take u anywhere except dinner 

africabytoto: Haha yeah that sounds fair enough

africabytoto: Ok I know this might be super babyish 

africabytoto: But I really want to try mini golf and I’ve never done it 

snarkisian: really ?? 

snarkisian: we can totally do that 

snarkisian: but how have u never done it ?? 

africabytoto: Not many places to mini golf in Kenya 

snarkisian: kenya ?? 

africabytoto: I grew up there 

africabytoto: My parents are zoologists 

snarkisian: that’s so cool omg 

snarkisian: if i ever introduce u to my friend damian pls never tell him i just used omg in earnest 

africabytoto: My lips are sealed 

snarkisian: man so the africa thing makes a lot more sense now

snarkisian: i thought u were just a really big fan of the song 

africabytoto: It’s a song ?? 

snarkisian: holy shit

Cady spends the rest of the day texting Janis without really realizing it. Conversation with her is just… easy. She even puts talking to Janis ahead of her calculus homework, something not even Regina managed during Cady’s brief stint as a Plastic last year. 

Eventually, regretfully, Cady does have to go to sleep. She’s stayed up so late to chat that her keyboard is starting to go blurry beneath her thumbs. 

africabytoto: I hate to do htis but I’m fallinh asleep

africabytoto: I gotta goto bed 

snarkisian: i do too 

snarkisian: talk more tomorrow ?? 

africabytoto: Sounds grest

snarkisian: tits 

snarkisian: goodnight caddy 

africabytoto: Goodnight

africabytoto: It’s Cady 

snarkisian: ;) 

Cady rolls her eyes affectionately and plugs in her phone before rolling over and drifting off to sleep, a fond smile on her face. 

————-

They wind up texting every single day that week, every free second they have in common going towards talking to one another. 

Janis sets their mini golf date for the next Friday, and Cady finds herself unreasonably excited. She (begrudgingly) allowed her Mathletes to help her choose an outfit over FaceTime, and surprisingly, they did a pretty good job. A yellow t-shirt with ruffly sleeves paired with some jeans. 

A panicked text conversation with Gretchen confirms it’s not too casual, so she finishes it with a matching ribbon tying her hair half-up and her usual converse. 

Janis texts that she’s outside right as Cady is tying her shoelaces, so she quickly calls a goodbye to her parents and rushes outside. “Whoa.”

Janis is leaning casually against a truck, clad in an Alanis Morissette t-shirt covered with a black leather jacket, dark shorts over fishnet tights, and clunky combat boots. Her hair is down today, and Cady notices that one side is shaved past her ear. Her makeup is also significantly heavier and darker than it was at the diner, with dark eyeshadow and eyeliner surrounding her eyes and a deep purple lipstick coating those perfect lips. 

She distantly notes how creepy that sounds as she makes her way over to this goddess. Janis smiles as she sees her, and Cady almost trips. 

“Hey,” Janis says. Cady can’t bring herself to look away from a single part of her, nor can she control her muscles enough to speak. 

“Legs,” she blurts. Nice start, dumbass. She shakes her head and tries again. “Shit. I mean hi.” 

“Hi,” Janis laughs, gently nudging her with an elbow. “You ready to go?” 

“Yeah,” Cady says eagerly. Janis grins again as she chivalrously opens Cady’s door for her, closing it again once Cady manages to awkwardly clamber her way inside. “Your truck is really nice.” 

“Thanks,” Janis says as she puts the key into the ignition. “I kinda rescued her from the dead. Was what I did with my free time before I started working.” 

“That’s really cool,” Cady says. “You did a great job.” 

“Thanks,” Janis says again. “Jodie’s my favorite child.” 

“Jodie?”

“Like Jodie Foster,” Janis explains.

“Who’s that?”

“Only the most iconic lesbian in all of Hollywood!” Janis scoffs. “God, I have so much to teach you.” 

“If you really want to,” Cady giggles. “You seem like you’d be a good teacher.” 

“Teach gay classes,” Janis nods. “I could do that.” 

“Like… classes on how to be gay, or about gay stuff?” 

“Both,” Janis says. “I’m versatile.” 

“Nice to know,” Cady says. Janis flushes slightly and clears her throat. 

“So, um…” she begins awkwardly. “What sport do you do?”

“Sport?” Cady asks, tilting her head in confusion. 

“You were wearing a… sport… jacket,” Janis says. “At the diner.”

“Oh!” Cady laughs. “No, I’m just a Mathlete.” 

“A Mathlete?” Janis chuckles. “That’s cool.”

“No it’s not, you don’t have to lie,” Cady teases. 

“No, it is! Means you must be smart,” Janis says. “Maybe not the… most traditionally cool choice of extracurricular, but it’s still… neat.” 

“I guess so,” Cady says with a grin. “But you saw the boys, did you really think any of us do anything remotely athletic?” 

“One of them looked kinda sporty. Figured the rest of them must be water boys or something.”

“Actually, Aaron is the water boy for us,” Cady laughs. “But he does play soccer too.” 

“You have… water boys… for Mathletes?” Janis asks. Cady can tell she’s biting back laughter. 

“It’s hard work!”

“I never said it wasn’t!” 

“You implied it,” Cady humphs, crossing her arms and turning away. 

“No, I’m sorry,” Janis pleads, gently resting a hand on Cady’s arm. Cady tries not to jump and scare her off, trying to figure out a way to keep Janis’ warm, soft hand where it is. 

Janis mistakes her brief panic for a bad one, and starts to pull back. Cady, in a fit of bravery, gently rests her hand on top of Janis’, sliding it down to link their hands together. It could easily be mistaken as a platonic motion, but they both flush like they’ve done something particularly scandalous. 

But, to both of their delight, Janis decides to leave her hand there. She switches her grip on the steering wheel to drive the rest of the way one-handed, leaving the other for Cady. 

“So how long have you been working at Sunshine’s?” Cady asks once she’s recovered from the lump in her throat that came as soon as Janis’ warm hand touched her. “I go there all the time and I’ve never seen you before.”

“Not too long. A few months,” Janis says. “My usual shifts are right after school or, like, the lunch rush during the weekends. So we probably just didn’t overlap.” 

“Do you enjoy it?“

“God, no,” Janis laughs. “I mean, I meet some… interesting people, I guess. But it’s just a job. Something I do for extra money.” 

“That makes sense,” Cady nods. “So what do you enjoy, Snarkisian?” 

“Already giving me nicknames, eh?” Janis chuckles. 

“Just your screen name.”

“For now,” Janis winks. “I enjoy… um… painting. I still wanna do some stuff in here.” She gently gives a pat to Jodie’s dashboard. “I like art and stuff. And I’ve always liked anything I can do with my hands. Hence getting Jodie back into shape.” 

“I like stuff like that too,” Cady grins. “I’m not an artist though, god. I was homeschooled until last year and still failed all my art classes.”

Janis laughs out loud at that, and Cady can’t help but smile at the sound. That’s just unfair. “Maybe on our next date I’ll teach you some stuff.”

“Next date?” Cady grins. “We haven’t even had this one yet.”

“Oh- I-I mean- uh…” Janis stutters frantically, blushing a spectacular shade of scarlet. 

“I’m teasing. This one is going pretty well so far,” Cady says with a smile. Janis looks at her for a split second and smiles back.

“Glad you agree.” 

They keep making light conversation as they drive, until Janis pulls into the parking lot of the mini golf facility. Cady looks around eagerly as best she can still buckled in. “Whoa!” 

“Come on, Cads,” Janis chuckles, being a true ‘gentleman’ and opening Cady’s door for her. “Let’s go smack some balls!”

“You’d get on really well with the boys,” Cady sighs. It’s much more endearing coming from Janis. 

“They do have excellent taste in women,” Janis says sarcastically, tossing her hair over her shoulder. Cady laughs and follows her into the building, taking a second to spin around and look at everything. She jumps when Janis calls to her from a ways away. “Cady. What color ball do you want?” 

“Huh? Oh!” she replies, running over to her. “I get to pick?” 

“Yeah,” Janis says. “Here.” 

Cady looks at the rainbow of golf balls and putters on the wall, considering every one carefully. Pink, yellow, orange? Blue? Purple? 

Janis already chose purple, so she supposes picking purple too would just be confusing. She eventually settles on green, pulling a ball from the plastic tub in front of her and standing on her tippy toes to reach the putters hanging from the hook. 

Janis laughs slightly as Cady only succeeds in batting at the handles a couple times, and comes up behind her to pull one down. 

“Thanks,” Cady says sheepishly, taking the club when Janis hands it to her with a grin. 

“No problem. This way,” she says, gently taking her hand and leading her out one of the doors to the outdoor area. She pays their entrance to the golf course before Cady can protest and leads her in through the gate. “You wanna go first?” 

“Yeah,” Cady says anxiously. She gently rests her ball on the tee, looking at Janis to confirm this is what she’s supposed to do. Janis nods, so she gets into what she assumes is the proper stance, takes a breath, and whacks the ball as hard as she can. 

“Jesus!” Janis yelps as the ball ricochets off the small wall and heads towards her at great speed. She manages to duck and avoid being concussed at the last second, throwing her hand up to catch the ball. 

Cady watches everything go down in horror, her hands pressed over her mouth. Janis bends at the waist, green ball next to the purple one in her hand. Cady is concerned she’s crying, or otherwise upset with her, as she’s well within her right to be. But then Cady notices… Janis is laughing. 

“God, Cady,” she gasps around her laughter. “It’s mini golf, you-you don’t have to hit it so hard!”

“I’m so sorry,” Cady mumbles, hands still firmly over her face. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Janis laughs, wiping tears from her eyes. “God, you could join the military with that. Death by golf ball.” 

“Hey!” Cady whines. “I’ve never done this before.” 

“Come here,” Janis says, still chuckling gently. She puts Cady’s ball back on the tee and presses against her back. She gently moves Cady’s hands to where they should be on her putter. “Gentle. Like… that. There, try now.” 

Cady pulls back the way Janis showed her and hits the ball, with much less force than the first time. The ball rolls down the green, in a straight line. The first hole doesn’t have any obstacles, so she can get a feel for the stroke. Her ball gently bounces off the wall and comes to a stop about four inches from the hole. 

“I did it!” she says proudly. 

“Yeah, there ya go!” Janis says. “Much less lethal.”

“Hey!” Cady whines again. “I’d like to see you do better.” And also for you to hold me like that again please and thank you. 

Janis rests her own purple ball on the starting spot and takes a second to look down the green, before she takes a gentle whack and her ball. It rolls perfectly down the fake grass and into the hole with a satisfying clunk. 

She straightens up and looks at Cady with a cheeky wink. Cady huffs and crosses her arms over her chest. “Cheater.” 

“Attempted murderer,” Janis retaliates, pulling her ball out and waiting for Cady to take her next shot. 

“Hey, at best that would be accidental manslaughter,” Cady huffs, lining up and putting her ball into the goal. 

“I’d really prefer not to find out,” Janis chuckles. “Nicely done.”

Cady grins and follows her to the next hole, making light conversation as they both make quick work of the next few. 

“Can I ask you something?” Cady asks as she’s lining up a shot. 

“Yeah,” Janis replies. Cady pauses when it sounds far away, just before her putter makes contact with her ball, and finds Janis cowering behind a garbage can. 

“Hey!” Cady whines. “Just because I almost accidentally killed you once.” 

Janis laughs and pokes her face out. “I’m just being extra careful. Can’t tell with you.” 

“Hmph,” Cady grumbles, putting her ball through the little windmill a ways down. 

“What do you want to know?” 

“Oh! Yeah,” Cady says, suddenly remembering what sparked this whole thing. “How old are you?” 

“Seventeen,” Janis chuckles as she gets ready to take her turn. “How old did you think I was?” 

“I dunno,” Cady shrugs. “Close to me. But I haven’t seen you at school. So I wanted to ask.” 

“I transferred to the south side when I was a sophomore,” Janis explains. “I used to be at North Shore too. So that’s why you haven’t seen me.” 

“Transferred?” Cady asks, tilting her head in confusion. “Did you move?” 

“Not by choice,” Janis sighs under her breath, whacking the ball with a bit more force than she has before. 

“Oh. I’m sorry,” Cady says frantically. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, I was just curious. Sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Janis says, groaning when her golf ball bounces off the windmill and lands almost back where it started. “I was outed by my best friend in eighth grade. My parents pulled me out for the rest of the year so I could go to therapy and stuff, and then I went back as a freshman. But when I went back I was bullied so badly I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I didn’t want to, but I wasn’t safe at North Shore. So we moved and I started going to another school.” 

Cady freezes in horror as her story continues. “Oh my god, you’re Janis,” she whispers. 

“Yes, I am,” Janis chuckles. “Nice of you to notice. You okay?” 

“No! Oh my god, you’re Janis!” Cady says. “I was… I was friends with Regina last year!” 

“Really?” Janis asks, like this is still a casual conversation and the two of them haven’t dropped major bombshells on each other. 

“Yeah,” Cady says. “I was new and she invited me to sit with her on the first day.” 

“That’s even more surprising,” Janis chuckles. 

“Aren’t you mad?” Cady asks in worry. 

“Why would I be mad?” Janis replies, looking at her in confusion. She takes another solid swing at her ball and sighs as it bounces off the windmill again. “Other than that.”

“Because I used to be friends with the girl who kinda ruined your life?” Cady asks. 

“Used to be,” Janis replies easily. “And you’re from Africa. Can’t imagine you were aware what you were getting yourself into.”

“Definitely not,” Cady agrees. 

“Exactly,” Janis says. “I can’t hold that against you. And you’re not friends with her anymore, so something must have happened to, er… show you some sense.” 

“She got hit by a bus,” Cady says, in the split second Janis hits her ball yet again. The shock seems to knock Janis towards the right angle, because her ball finally rolls through the windmill. 

“Seriously?!”

“Yeah,” Cady giggles. “I shouldn’t be laughing. But yeah. Surprised you didn’t hear about it, it was all over the news.”

“Did she-”

“No, no. She’s fine now,” Cady says. “I think. She’s definitely not dead, anyway.” 

“That’s good,” Janis hums. “Anyway. Tell me about your Mathletes.” 

“Okay,” Cady giggles. “What do you want to know?” 

“Why are they the way that they are?” 

Cady bursts out laughing, taking the last stroke to sink her ball into the hole. “That’s a good question. They’re just… like that.”

“Fair enough,” Janis chuckles. “Do they do that to every waitress you guys have?”

“They all flirt with anything that moves,” Cady sighs. 

“I’m hurt,” Janis says in mock offense. “Thought I was special.” 

“You are special,” Cady says as she links their arms together to go towards the next hole. “They usually give up if it’s obvious none of them are getting anywhere. And I only go on dates with the most special of people.” 

“Is that so?” Janis hums, looking at Cady with a smile. “How many people have you been on dates with, then?” 

“Two,” Cady mumbles. “Including you.” 

“Really?” Janis asks. “That’s surprising.”

“It is?”

“Yeah,” Janis says, flushing awkwardly and massaging the back of her neck with her free hand. “You’re just… really cute. Surprised only one other person managed to get a date with you.” 

“I’m cute?” Cady asks in confusion. Janis grins and gently bumps their shoulders together. 

“Yeah, you’re cute. If I may be so bold,” Janis chuckles. Cady hums happily and rests her ball on the next tee. “So who was it?” 

“What?” Cady asks, entirely missing the ball on her first hit. 

“The other person you dated.” Janis says. “Can I ask who it was?” 

“Oh. Yeah,” Cady says. “Aaron.”

“Really?” Janis says. 

“Yeah,” Cady sighs. “We were in the same math class last year, and we got together in the spring. But we’d both been through a lot with Regina, and I was… realizing I’m not straight. And I realized I had been, like, projecting on him when I actually had feelings for… um, Regina. And we just realized we worked better as friends.” 

“Makes sense,” Janis nods. “Regina was your queer awakening too, huh?” 

“Yeah,” Cady admits shyly. “I’m surprised you guys were friends.” 

“I’m surprised you guys were friends,” Janis chuckles. 

“Then I guess we’re both full of surprises,” Cady says. 

“Oh?” 

“Gotta leave some for later,” Cady says with a wink, for once being the one to fluster Janis so much that she hits her ball in entirely the wrong direction. 

—-

“That was fun,” Cady says when they’re back in Janis’ truck on the way home. “Thank you.” 

“It was fun,” Janis agrees. “But you don’t have to thank me.” 

“I’m gonna,” Cady insists. “So, um… my turn to take you on a date next time?” 

“Next time?” Janis grins. “I think that sounds doable.” 

“Where do you wanna go?” Cady asks. 

“Mmm… have you ever been roller skating?” Janis asks. Cady shakes her head. 

“I’m clumsy enough without wheels on my feet,” she says. Janis laughs again. Cady wants to hear it forever. 

“You gotta try it once,” Janis says. “Next date.”

“It’s a date,” Cady confirms. 

Janis pulls into Cady’s driveway and chivalrously escorts her to the front door. Neither of them are totally sure what to do. Probably too soon to kiss goodnight. Shake hands? Dorky. 

Cady decides on a hug after about forty-five seconds of trepidation, giving Janis a quick squeeze. “Today was great.” 

“It was,” Janis whispers, squeezing her back. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Text me,” Cady says, echoing what Janis said when Cady first got her number. She winks and heads inside, leaving Janis blushing like a fool on the front porch. 

—————

Janis does text her, letting her know she got home safe. Even though they spent several hours together, doing essentially nothing but chatting, they still text well into the night. 

And the next day. And the next, and the next, and the next. 

After two weeks, Cady decides it’s high time for their roller skating date. 

africabytoto: Do you have work on Saturday? 

snarkisian: nope 

snarkisian: for once lol 

africabytoto: Then 

africabytoto: Drumroll please 

snarkisian: Sent a gif: drumroll 

africabytoto: Can I take you out on Saturday? 

snarkisian: let me think about it

africabytoto: :0

africabytoto: I Have Been Slandered 

snarkisian: lmao i’m kiddiiiiing 

snarkisian: i’d love to go out again 

africabytoto: Yay

africabytoto: Roller skating? 

snarkisian: hell yeah 

snarkisian: time for me to kick your ass at another thing 

africabytoto: Hey!

africabytoto: I almost won mini golf 

snarkisian: *almost*

africabytoto: I’m starting to question your intentions here lol

snarkisian: my intentions are to romance you and kick your ass at everything we do together 

africabytoto: Romance me eh?

snarkisian: damn straight 

snarkisian: wait

snarkisian: damn gay

africabytoto: I really do have to properly introduce you to the boys 

snarkisian: i should probably introduce you to damian 

africabytoto: Maybe on the third date 

snarkisian: are we already working on that one?

africabytoto: Let’s focus on rollerskating for now lol 

africabytoto: Pick you up at five? 

snarkisian: sounds tits :) 

—-

Cady is outside Janis’ house at five sharp, and is bold enough to go up and knock on the door. 

Janis opens it and smiles when she sees her, wearing one boot with the other in her hand. “Hey.” 

“Hi,” Cady grins. 

“You wanna come in for a second?” 

“Sure,” Cady says. She gasps and squeals when a chocolate lab comes running up and sniffs at her. “Oh my goodness, hi!” 

“That’s Colbie,” Janis chuckles. “She’s friendly, you can pet her if you want.”

Cady needs no further permission, immediately lying on the floor and letting the puppy lick her face and do somersaults to cuddle into her. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you have a doggyyyy?” Cady says, squealing a bit as Colbie snuffles especially close to her ear. 

“Because I didn’t want her to steal you from me,” Janis chuckles. “Colb, cmon, let Caddy breathe.” 

“Nooo,” Cady pleads. “I don’t need to breathe. Puppy.” 

Janis laughs and finishes tying the knot in the laces of her boots, coming to pry her dog off of Cady. Or, more accurately, pry Cady off of her dog. 

“Come on, Colbie, you don’t get to go roller skating,” she chuckles. 

“Yes she does,” Cady pleads, reaching back for the puppy. 

“This is why I haven’t introduced you two yet,” Janis sighs sarcastically. “She’s a real lady’s lady.” 

“I see where you get it from,” Cady giggles, standing and brushing fur from her baby blue jumpsuit. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah,” Janis nods. Cady heads back out the front door and down the porch, waiting for Janis to lock up. 

“Bye Colb,” Janis coos, giving her pup some goodbye scritches. Colbie whines. Janis whispers, “I know, you like Caddy? I like her too. I’ll bring her back to play soon. Be good.” 

Cady grins, having to pretend like she hasn’t overheard their conversation as Janis locks the door and comes to join her. 

Cady returns the favors Janis paid her on their first date and opens the car door for her. Janis smiles as she climbs in, and smiles wider when Cady gently shuts the door and goes to the driver’s seat to join her. 

“I’m guessing you’re a dog person, then?” Janis asks as Cady enters the address for the roller rink into her GPS and gets them going the right way. 

“I’m an everything person,” Cady says. “But my favorite animals are lions, so I guess I’m technically a cat person.” 

“Lions?” Janis grins. Cady nods. “Why lions?” 

“They’re good listeners,” Cady begins softly. “People don’t really understand, but they’re not as scary as you’d think. They’re just protective. They will still hunt you, but they can also be so cuddly and playful and sweet. And they’re so majestic. I miss that most. Watching them on the savanna. And I miss playing with the cubs.” 

“You’ve cuddled a lion?” Janis asks in slight concern. 

“A few,” Cady nods. “Africa, remember?” 

“No, yeah, I remember that part,” Janis chuckles. “But when you said you lived in Kenya I didn’t think you meant, like… the actual savanna.” 

“I lived in a tent for thirteen years,” Cady nods with a giggle. “I think you’re the only person who didn’t immediately assume I lived in the middle of nowhere.”

“I think it’s the first time I’ve ever been wrong not to,” Janis says. “A tent?” 

“Yeah. We moved there when I was three for my parents’ work, they’re both zoologists. They got a grant to study migratory patterns in lions. So we had to be able to migrate too,” Cady explains. “So we had tents that we could pack up easily to follow them.” 

“That makes sense,” Janis nods. “And that’s really cool.” 

“Thanks,” Cady murmurs. 

“Do you have pictures?”

“Pictures?”

“From Kenya,” Janis says shyly. “I wanna see.” 

“Oh, yeah, I have tons of pictures,” Cady nods. “You really want to see them?”

“Yeah,” Janis says. “Of course I do.”

“You’re the first one who has,” Cady grins sadly. “I’ll definitely show you sometime soon, though.” 

“Can’t wait,” Janis says. 

Cady tells her some of her favorite Kenya stories until they pull into the parking lot at the roller rink. Janis is halfway out of the car before Cady even finds a parking spot, and hauls her into the building by her hand as soon as they’re both outside. 

“Janis, slow down,” Cady pleads. “I got little legs.” 

“Sorry, short stuff,” Janis chuckles, panting a little after their run. 

“Hey!” Cady pouts. “It’s not my fault you’re a giant.”

“Am I actually a giant or are you just tiny?” Janis teases. 

“I dunno, how tall are you?”

“Five foot ten,” Janis says. “You?”

“Five two,” Cady mumbles. “On a good day.”

“It’s both,” Janis chuckles. “Come on, let’s go get our skates.” 

Cady happily takes her hand again and lets herself be led to the skate rental counter at a much slower pace. Janis pulls out her wallet and seems fully ready to pay, until Cady sneakily snatches it and puts it back in Janis’ pocket. “My date. You don’t pay.” 

“Quite possibly the most aggressive way I’ve ever been told I don’t have to pay for anything,” Janis laughs. “Thanks, Peanut.” 

“Peanut?” Cady asks, blushing furiously. 

“Peanut,” Janis confirms with a nod. “You were eating them when I first saw you. And chocolate milk and Belgian waffle aren’t the cutest of nicknames.” 

“I like it,” Cady grins. 

“And you’re short.” 

Cady tries to protest again, but they’re interrupted by an employee coming up to check them in. Cady pays for their hour and a half on the rink and their skate rentals. Janis is obviously biting her lip to hold back a laugh when Cady asks for her size six skates. 

“Short,” she whispers in Cady’s ear when they head to a bench to put them on. 

“I’m gonna smack you with this,” Cady threatens, brandishing one of her skates. 

“Kinky.” 

Cady sighs and rents a locker for them to store their things. “The carpet here is interesting.”

“That’s one word for it,” Janis chuckles, putting her boots next to Cady’s sneakers in the locker. “Probably hasn’t been changed since the eighties. Or cleaned.” 

“Eww,” Cady whimpers. Janis laughs and motions for her to sit down. 

“You’ll be fine, trust me. This’ll be fun,” she comforts. “Put those on.”

Cady does, tying the laces on her skates and tucking them inside so there’s no chance of them getting caught in the wheels. With her luck, it’ll probably happen anyway. 

Janis finishes tying her own roller blades and stands up, reaching out for Cady. “Ready?”

Cady nods and takes her hands, letting Janis gently pull her to her feet. She immediately loses her balance, leaning every which way and clinging to a remarkably steady Janis for support. 

“Easy,” Janis murmurs. “There. How’s it feel?”

“Dangerous,” Cady replies immediately. Janis laughs and keeps a hold on Cady’s hands to help her keep her balance. 

“You’ll be fine, I promise. You wanna try moving?” Janis asks. Cady shakes her head. “You won’t fall, I gotcha. You can do it.” 

Cady warily scoots her feet, doing a sort of grandpa-shuffle style motion over to the actual rink. Janis, infuriatingly, manages to skate backwards, helping Cady over. 

“There, see? You got it,” Janis says once Cady has a wall to grab onto and carefully makes her way onto the slick wooden rink. Cady immediately slips, clinging to the wall and narrowly avoiding a rough landing on her bum. “Maybe not.” 

“No, I can do it,” Cady says determinedly, pulling herself back upright and continuing to scootch along and cling to the wall. 

“Cads, you’re going backwards,” Janis chuckles. “Push your feet more.”

“I’m moving, though,” Cady says. “So it’s working.” 

“You do what works for you,” Janis laughs. “It’ll actually help a little if you let go of the wall.”

“No thank you,” Cady says immediately. Janis laughs again and rolls the slightest bit closer to her. 

“Look, just watch what I do for a second. You can do it. This should be fun, I don’t want you clinging to the wall the whole time.” 

“But I like my wall,” Cady pouts. She does look at Janis expectantly, so Janis goes into teacher mode and demonstrates the proper form Cady should be using. Cady continues her slow scoot after her. Janis realizes when it’s too late that she’s not allowed to skate the other way back to her, so she finishes a rapid lap around and comes up behind Cady. 

“Got it?” Janis asks. Cady nods shakily. Janis gently takes her hands again and pulls her away from the wall, but leaves them close enough that Cady can still grab it if she feels the need to. “Straighten your back a little bit. Yeah, there. That’ll help you balance better. Now big pushes with your feet.” 

“Don’t let go,” Cady pleads for more than one reason. Janis’ hands are warm and soft against hers, and her presence is giving Cady much more confidence. 

“I won’t,” Janis says soothingly. “I gotcha. Give it a try, come on.” 

Cady does, trying her best to copy the big sweeping motions Janis did earlier. To her surprise, it is a bit easier, and she looks up in delight when she actually moves forward this time. 

“Yeah, there! You got it,” Janis cheers. “Keep going. Try to push me away from you. And tell me if we’re about to crash into anyone.” 

“Okay,” Cady says anxiously. She continues the motions, getting gradually more comfortable with how things are supposed to work. Before she knows it, she’s made a full lap around the rink. 

“Nicely done,” Janis says. Cady smiles at her. 

“Thanks. And thanks for not making fun of me,” she says. 

“I have plenty of other things to make fun of you for,” Janis says. “You think you’re ready for me to let go?” 

No, I’m ready for you to hold me forever, Cady thinks. But she nods, so Janis gently lets go of her hands and skates to the far wall. All Cady has to do on her own is skate the distance from one wall to the other, twenty feet at most. 

“I feel like a baby giraffe,” she grumbles. Janis laughs and reaches out for her. 

“You can do it!” 

Cady sets off, pushing off the wall for the slightest bit of a boost and trying her best to do the same things she did before. 

She only realizes when she’s within three feet of Janis that she doesn’t know how to stop yet.  Janis seems to realize this flaw in their logic too, because her eyes go wide and she braces. 

Cady crashes right into her, trying not to press her against the wall too hard and hurt her. 

“Hey,” Janis greets, gently wrapping her arms around Cady’s back. 

“Hi,” Cady giggles. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Janis chuckles back. “Probably should’ve taught you to stop, but I’m okay.” 

“Good,” Cady breathes. 

Neither of them move. Cady could easily let Janis go, and Janis could easily push her away. But instead, she pulls her closer. Cady stares into her eyes, losing herself in Janis and completely forgetting where they are. 

Janis inhales a bit more heavily, before she murmurs, “Would it be, like, terribly presumptuous of me to ask if I can kiss you?” 

“Oh, very,” Cady whispers back, gently resting a hand on Janis’ cheek and leaning in to press their lips together. Janis leans in as well, gently holding Cady against her and tilting her head slightly to the side for a better angle. 

They smile at each other when they take a second to breathe, before they both lean back in. 

Janis makes the mistake of moving her hands to Cady’s hair, gently tangling her fingers in it. Cady holds Janis’ waist, until she feels herself slipping. Before either of them can stop it, Cady falls flat on her face with a dull smack. 

“Shit, Caddy,” Janis yelps, bending down to check on her. “Are you okay?”

Cady just groans, resting her head in her arms and staying on the ground. 

“Peanut,” Janis pouts. “Did you get hurt?” 

“Only emotionally,” Cady grumbles. Janis grins in relief and gently helps her to sit. 

“You wanna go check out the arcade instead?” she asks, gently playing with the ends of Cady’s hair. Cady shakes her head. 

“You wanted to roller skate. We’ll roller skate,” she insists. 

“Are you sure?” Janis asks. “This is supposed to be fun.” 

“I’m having fun,” Cady comforts. “I mean, kissing you is the best part. But the skating is good too.”

Janis chuckles and gives her one more kiss before pulling her to her feet. “Well, in that case, I’ll have to kiss you a lot more.”

“Yes please,” Cady hums happily. “Catch me if you can.”

She skates away as fast as she can, about half a mile per day. Janis could easily catch her if she wanted to, but she just watches her go for a while, proud of her skating student. Until Cady falls onto her bum. 

————-

“So what did you think?” Janis asks as they head back out to Cady’s car. 

“My butt hurts,” Cady grumbles. “But I had fun.” 

“Good,” Janis grins. “I did too. We’ll do something less rough on your butt next time.”

“Great,” Cady giggles. “Did you have fun?” 

“Are you kidding? Watching you fall on your ass over and over and then kicking your ass at skee ball? Of course I did,” Janis says. 

“You’re so mean!” 

“I’m sorry,” Janis murmurs, gently pressing Cady against the car before she can open any of the doors. Cady looks at her with a faint smile gracing her face. 

“Maybe you should make it up to me,” Cady says softly, looking between Janis’ eyes and lips a few times. Janis grins and gently rests a hand on Cady’s jaw, fingers gently brushing behind her ear as she leans in to kiss her. 

Cady kisses her back eagerly, resting her hands on Janis’ hips and gripping the fabric of her jacket. 

“Better?” Janis whispers against her lips when they break apart. Cady nods happily. “This part’s fun too.” 

“Glad you agree,” Cady whispers. 

—-

“Can I see your phone?” Janis asks when Cady drops her off. 

“My phone? Why?” Cady asks in confusion. 

“Just trust me,” Janis says. 

“You can if I can say hi to Colbie again,” Cady says, ever the compromiser.

“Deal,” Janis says. Cady hands over her phone and watches as Janis flips her camera open. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Um… yeah,” Cady says in confusion. “What are you- mmph.” 

She can’t find it in herself to wonder what Janis is up to as soon as their lips connect again. Janis cups her jaw with one hand and holds Cady’s phone in the other. Cady winds her arms around her neck and kisses her back. 

She jumps a bit when she hears the shutter sound effect go off, and briefly breaks away from Janis. “Okay, what are you doing?” 

“Are you up for making your Mathletes a little jealous?” 

“Oh, always,” Cady replies immediately. “Clever thinking.” 

Janis hands back her phone so Cady can unlock it and taps into her messages. Cady is briefly confused when she sends the photos to herself first. Janis explains with a simple, “For prosperity.” 

Cady watches as Janis finds the Chill Dope Crew 🙄🤑➕ contact and correctly assumes it’s her Mathletes group, tapping into it and putting the photo in a message. She types something out before she turns the screen for Cady to check. 

You guys are really missing out, by the way -J 

Cady laughs and immediately hits send. It takes no more than a few seconds for the replies to start coming, the first being a Janis how could you?!?! from Kevin. Cady clicks her phone off as it pings frantically, the boys rapidly descending into chaos. 

“I was promised puppy,” Cady murmurs, winding her arms around Janis’ neck again. Janis gently kisses her once more before unlocking the door. Colbie comes rocketing out as soon as the door is open, almost knocking Cady off her feet. 

Janis rolls her eyes affectionately and sits down, watching her favorite creature and who’s rapidly becoming her favorite person rolling around in the grass to play. She listens with fond smiles as Cady promises to bring Colbie lots of toys and treats next time she comes to visit. Next time. 

Cady tires Colbie out within a few minutes, the pup panting and resting her head on Cady’s belly as she lies on the grass. Cady lingers there for a while, playing with Colbie’s ears and getting her fill of doggy cuddles. 

Eventually, she pries herself off the ground and back to Janis. “Bye, Jay.”

“Bye,” Janis replies, returning the kiss Cady offers. “Thanks for tonight.”

“My pleasure,” Cady grins. She waves and turns back around, heading back to her car. Janis turns to head inside, until she realizes something very important is missing. 

“Hey, gimme back my dog!” 

—————

A few more weeks pass, with more dates and more kisses and more them sprinkled in. She knows it’s probably just the honeymoon phase talking, but everything with Janis just feels right to Cady. 

She’s surprised when Janis texts her relatively early on a Saturday morning, knowing Janis well enough by this point to know she sleeps in whenever she gets the slightest chance. 

snarkisian: Sent a picture: do you wanna come to the dog park with us? 

Cady squeals at the adorable picture of Colbie, looking very stylish in her little bandana and holding her favorite rope toy in her mouth. 

africabytoto: Yes

africabytoto: Yes please yes 

snarkisian: tits

snarkisian: you up for a walk? colb needs some exercise 

africabytoto: Yeah totally 

snarkisian: tits

snarkisian: we’ll pick you up in ten

snarkisian: ish

africabytoto: Can’t wait <33 

Cady gets dressed for the day and ties her hair into a ponytail, in lieu of actually brushing it. She packs up the special treats she bought for Colbie and grabs the elephant squeaky toy she couldn’t resist either, and waits for Janis to arrive. 

She grins when the doorbell rings, opening it to find Colbie sitting very patiently on the porch. Cady can see how hard her tail is wagging, and she smiles back. 

“Hi, sweet puppy! Where did Janis go, did she leave you here all alone?” she coos, giving Colbie some scritches behind her floppy ears. Colbie doesn’t seem fussed with where her owner has gone, relishing in the attention from Cady. 

Cady shrieks as Janis sneaks up behind her and scoops her up, spinning her around in a circle and gently pressing a kiss to her neck. 

“Janis!” Cady squeals. 

“Hi,” Janis murmurs into her ear. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too,” Cady breathes, releasing a startled chuckle. “Don’t do that.” 

“Sorry,” Janis replies, not sounding sorry in the slightest. “You ready to go?” 

“Yeah,” Cady grins, taking Janis’ free hand. Janis holds Colbie’s leash in the other and sets them off down the road towards the dog park. “When did you get her?” 

“When we moved,” Janis replies quietly. “So a bit less than two years ago. She’s still a baby.” 

“She’ll always be a baby,” Cady replies. “She’ll just be an old baby someday.” 

“Yeah, she will,” Janis chuckles. “Especially if you keep spoiling her the way you do.” 

“I have an entire bag of treats and a toy for her in my pockets.”

“Of course you do,” Janis laughs, leaning down to kiss her. “No wonder she loves you more than me.” 

“Nooo, she doesn’t,” Cady pouts. “She loves you the same.” 

“She never gets as excited to see me as she does to see you,” Janis says. “You should’ve seen her when I told her we were coming to get you.” 

“Aww,” Cady says. “Well, if it makes you feel better, I’m always excited to see you.”

“It does,” Janis mumbles. Cady grins and gently kisses her hand. “I get excited to see you too.”

“I’m honored,” Cady giggles. 

Colbie happily trots ahead, taking the occasional pause to sniff around or stare at squirrels. She tries to rush ahead when she sees her favorite place, so Janis and Cady lean in and run after her. Janis unclips Colbie’s leash once they’re inside the fenced in area and lets her run free. 

Janis and Cady sit on a bench and watch her dart around, sniffing at some of the other dogs before taking off like a shot again. Cady leans into Janis, resting against her shoulder and smiling as Janis kisses her hair. 

She gently fiddles with a stray thread on Janis’ jeans, feeling the warm skin of her thigh exposed by the rip. “Can I ask you something?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Janis asks, looking at her in concern. 

“What… what do you want us to be?” Cady asks softly. 

Janis thinks for a while, twisting the end of Cady’s ponytail around her fingers pensively. “I don’t know. I’m happy with however I can have you.” 

“I am too,” Cady says. “I like what we have now.”

“But?” Janis asks, sensing one lingering behind Cady’s words. 

“But… I’d like… more,” Cady admits. 

“More?” Janis asks. “Like-”

“Be my girlfriend,” Cady interrupts desperately. “Like, officially. For real.” 

Janis feels her eyebrows raise and her lips turn up. She gently cups Cady’s face in her hands and pulls her in for a kiss. 

“I’d love to officially be your girlfriend for real,” she whispers. She feels Cady smile against her lips as they both lean back in, feels her small hands come to rest gently on Janis’ wrists, keeping the two of them held against each other. 

They are in public, so they keep things more chaste than they want to, but they do linger against each other’s lips for a long while. 

Cady shrieks when she feels a cold nose suddenly nudge against her arm. “God, Colbie, don’t do that, you’re as bad as your mother.” 

“Hey!” Janis laughs. “What’s up, Colb? You wanna play? Where did you find this ball, this isn’t yours. Go give it back, you have your own toys.” 

Colbie whines and drops the ball she found on Janis’ lap. Cady pulls out the elephant toy she brought as a bargaining chip. Colbie sniffs it excitedly. “Go give the ball back and you can have it.” 

Colbie runs off back towards a friend she made with the ball, delivering it back to the dog’s owner before she comes barreling back to them. Cady pulls the tag off and offers her the elephant, which Colbie chomps on eagerly, her tail wagging in delight. 

“Say thank you,” Janis instructs, laughing as Colbie leaps onto the bench with them and rapidly switches between each of them, giving them both kisses and wiggling happily at the cuddles and pets and love she gets. 

Cady stands as she runs off again with her elephant, ready to follow her and play. Janis leans in to gently kiss her cheek, which Cady returns.

“You smell like the dog.” 

“You’ll just have to cope with that,” Janis hums, kissing her lips this time. “Girlfriend.”

“Fine,” Cady sighs, a smile betraying her. “Girlfriend.” 

—————

If anything, they spend more time texting each other now that they’ve made things official. Practically every moment they’re not in school and Janis isn’t at work is spent with one another. And even some of that time is spent together too. 

Cady has long since given up on trying to hide who she’s talking to from the Mathletes during practice. She’s been busted more than once, but she doesn’t let it stop her. Janis has also been scolded for being on her phone while she’s on the clock, but hasn’t let that keep them apart either. 

What they haven’t done is called. Neither of them particularly enjoy talking on the phone, so they leave it to texting, Facetime and just meeting in person. 

Which is why Cady jumps out of her skin when her ringtone goes off in the middle of the night, getting startled out of her half-asleep state. 

She paws at her nightstand for her phone, squinting at the screen. Her heart drops when she sees Janis’ name and the picture of the two of them kissing lighting up her screen. 

She immediately presses the green button and holds her phone to her ear. “Janis?” she mumbles sleepily into the phone. “What’s up?” 

“Shit, were you asleep?” Janis asks immediately in lieu of an answer. 

“Almost. What’s going on?” Cady asks worriedly, sitting up in bed.

“Can-could… could you maybe pick me up?” Janis asks so softly that Cady can barely hear her. Cady frowns when she hears the slightest waver in it, too. 

“Of course. Where are you?” 

“Work,” Janis replies. “I’m sorry, I just-”

“No, hey, don’t be sorry,” Cady says, already sneaking down the stairs and tugging her shoes on. “Give me fifteen minutes, okay?” 

“Okay,” Janis says. “Thank you.” 

“Of course, darling,” Cady says. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” Janis says immediately, but the tremble in her voice again tells Cady the real answer. 

“Alright. Fifteen minutes,” Cady repeats. 

“Fifteen minutes,” Janis echoes, gratitude flooding Cady’s ears through her phone speaker. 

—-

It winds up being closer to ten minutes, since Cady practically white knuckled it the whole way to the diner out of concern for her girlfriend. 

She finds her by the employee exit, sitting under the single light above the door and clutching her work apron in her hands, like she couldn’t bear to wear it any longer. 

Janis looks up when she sees her pull up and get out of the car. Cady blinks in surprise as she goes running to her and practically tackles her in a hug. 

“Hey,” Cady says gently, squeezing Janis against her and gently resting their heads together as Janis hides against her neck. “What’s up, buttercup?” 

“It’s nothing,” Janis whispers thickly. “Just-just… bad day.” 

“I’m sorry, darling,” Cady pouts. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Her only answer is a sob, which stuns her enough she totally freezes. Janis always seems so cool and collected. Cady knows her girlfriend well enough to know how practiced it is, has been lucky enough to see through the little cracks in the act Janis has slowly but steadily been allowing to form and grow. 

“Sweetheart,” she whispers sadly. “Shh, come here. Come here.” 

She gently leads them back to the car, sitting sideways in the drivers seat and leaving the door open so Janis has enough room to cuddle into her lap. She does so eagerly, straddling Cady at the waist and continuing to weep into her shoulder. 

“Shhh, Jay,” Cady murmurs soothingly. “I got you, just let it out.” 

Janis does, sobbing into her shoulder and clinging to her neck. Cady wraps her arms around Janis’ waist, tracing gentle circles against her back with one hand and cradling her head close with the other. 

Whatever is on Janis’ mind is clearly quite significant, so Cady is perfectly content just to hold her and let her cry as long as she needs. She hushes her from time to time more as a reassurance than a genuine hush, rocking her gently from side to side and kissing her hair. 

“I’m sorry,” Janis snuffles suddenly.

“Don’t be sorry, darling,” Cady whispers, kissing her forehead gently. “You’re okay. Just do what you need to do.”

Janis nods slightly against her shoulder, continuing to cry gently. She’s quieter now, and Cady can feel her trying to breathe and ground herself in the moment. 

“You okay now?” she whispers when Janis’ sobs eventually slow to a stop, still cradling her in her lap. 

“Yeah. Sorry about the waterworks,” Janis mumbles. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Cady murmurs, gently pulling Janis away from her shoulder and brushing her thumbs over her cheeks. “Do you wanna tell me what happened?” 

“It’s stupid,” Janis mumbles in embarrassment. 

“That’s okay,” Cady says. “If it’s making you this upset, I’m sure it isn’t. But you’re allowed to cry over stupid things too.” 

“I just… everything went wrong today,” Janis says, voice still thick with emotion. “Jodie broke down again, so I was late and I got yelled at, and then I had a bunch of homophobes in my section and I didn’t know how perceptive they were and I spent their whole meal panicking about whether or not they were gonna do anything and then they left me one of those fake tips that’s actually a bible verse-” 

“Oh, honey,” Cady says sadly.

“And then right before closing I had another perv and he grabbed my ass when I was walking away from his booth and I thought I was gonna get kidnapped and then I remembered I didn’t have a solid way home and I hate closing,” Janis continues. 

“God, Jay,” Cady murmurs, gently kissing the corner of her lips. “No wonder you were so upset, you poor thing. That’s awful.” 

Janis shrugs. “Comes with the job.” 

“It’s still terrible,” Cady insists. “You deserve to feel safe wherever you work. Can I stay with you for a while or do you just want me to take you home?” 

“I wanna be with you,” Janis admits softly. Cady smiles and kisses her once more before she motions Janis over into the passenger seat. 

“Then buckle up.” 

Janis does, fastening her seatbelt and getting comfy in the passenger seat of Cady’s car. She absolutely refuses to let go of her hand, so Cady lets her borrow it and drives with the other. 

-

Janis looks confused when Cady pulls into a drive through, about the only place to get food that’s still open. She orders two milkshakes, one chocolate and one vanilla, and an extra large order of french fries. Janis holds it all in her lap as Cady drives, and it takes her a concerningly long time to realize Cady’s driving them in the wrong direction. 

“Where are we going?” she asks softly. Cady shrugs, which doesn’t fill Janis with a spectacular amount of confidence. 

“Here seems good.” 

“What?” Janis asks in confusion, looking at Cady as she pulls over and climbs out of the car. “What are you doing?” 

“You just sit there and look pretty,” Cady comforts, opening the back door and pulling out the blankets she keeps there in case of emergencies. 

Janis does, continuing to hold the food she’s been handed and trying to guess what Cady could be doing. There seems to be a lot of noise coming from above her, which is concerning. 

“Okay, come on!” Cady calls when she’s finished whatever she’s up to. Janis climbs out of the car and looks around, getting a bit panicked when she can’t find Cady. “Up here, darling.” 

Janis whirls around and looks up, finding Cady perched on the roof of the car. “What-”

“Come on,” Cady says, reaching out for her. Janis can’t hold back a laugh as she hands Cady the food and struggles through hoisting her way up. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Janis says. “What are we doing?” 

“Midnight picnic,” Cady shrugs, resting the fries and both milkshakes between them. “Doesn’t technically count as dinner, I think.” 

“I guess not,” Janis chuckles, taking a few fries and dipping them into the chocolate milkshake. “Thanks for coming to get me.” 

“Of course,” Cady replies, reaching out to hold Janis’ hand. She links their fingers together and leaves them lazily tangled between them, both of them using their free hand to dig into their midnight snack. 

The french fries, much like a man, last a disappointingly short time. Cady puts all their trash to the side to be thrown away later, and lies down on the blanket she’s spread across the roof. Janis lies down next to her, cuddling into the second blanket Cady pulls over them and looking up at the stars. 

She looks next to her when she feels eyes on her, finding Cady looking at her intently. “What are you looking at?” 

“You,” Cady whispers. “You’re pretty.” 

Janis rolls her eyes lovingly and turns onto her side. Cady follows the motion, and they both inch the slightest bit closer together. 

“I love you,” Janis whispers entirely out of nowhere. Cady blinks in momentary surprise before she smiles and leans in for a kiss. 

“I love you too,” she murmurs. 

Janis stares at the girl before her, a faint smile lingering on both of their faces. Janis braves poking a hand out from their warm blanket cave into the chilly night air to gently trace Cady’s features. 

“I fucking hate that diner,” she whispers as she brushes her fingers over Cady’s eyebrows and down her nose. “But I’m really glad it brought me you.” 

“I am too. Can I tell you something?” Cady asks, shuddering slightly as Janis traces the shell of her ear in a particularly ticklish way. Janis nods. “I didn’t even want to go out that night we met. We’d been in a tournament all day and I was so exhausted. The boys made me go.”

“Really?” Janis asks with a smile. Cady nods. “Can I tell you something?” Another nod. “You guys didn’t actually sit in my section. I thought you were so cute when you walked in, and my friend noticed, so he made me take your table instead.” 

“Really?” Cady giggles. “Well, I’m glad he did.”

“I am too,” Janis grins. “You have no idea.”

“I think I have some idea,” Cady responds. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Janis echoes. 

“I love you.”

“I love you.” 

They both repeat it, over and over and over until they both dissolve into giggles and lean in for kisses, smiling against the other’s lips and continuing to whisper the words in between. 

“I’m still not taking you to dinner,” Janis whispers after they break apart. 

“I think I’ll live.”

————-

thanks for reading! hope you enjoyed!

[2-dsimp]

1. Club - Martial Arts. Of course, given how we died and several other disasters in the last round, we’ve gotta be strong and fight back. Not to mention, Farty Tarty is nuttier than squirrel shit, so appealing to his good side by being in his club may extend our free life trial some.

2. Seduction and Intelligence - That being said, we’re the one whose milkshake brings all the boys (and girls) to the yard, so in instances where they get a wee bit too lustful, we need to beckon to them and stay alive in addition to our strength. Also, brains is always plentiful in survival genres; ‘nough said.

3. Diluc, Zhongli, Hu Tao, and Itto - Dil and Li are among the calmer of the menfolk, plus we rly didn’t get to see much of either (or at all with dragon boi) last round. Diluc doesn’t seem as likely to harm US as he is others, but I could be wrong on that. Either way, getting him in a good mood would be beneficial, I feel. Zhongli’s also part of the tutoring thing or w/e, so being on his good side may raise our smarts. Hu Tao’s profile states she’ll protect us from harm by mercilessly pranking those out to get us, so if we piss off any rivals (as in, those who like the admirers), she’ll be handy. Lastly, Mr. One And Oni Brain Cell has the Arataki Gang, so if the Hu Tao idea falls through, we’ll have several bodyguards on hand in addition to their himbo leader who’s already powerful/intimidating as is. People would leave us alone knowing we’re associated w/ them, even if it might bite us a bit. Itto’d be good for a last resort.

4. Date w/ Xiao, Kiss Diluc - As many have pointed out, Evil Conquering seems like he genuinely cares about us in his own, distorted way. I wanted so badly to help him after his fall last time, but nooooo... 😒😒😒 which is why, he at least deserves kinder treatment this time around, I feel. With Diluc, well... okay, I’m talking primarily out of my crush on him, but he’s also a gentleman willing to be our knight in shining armor and a beyond worthy first kiss (plus his lips probably taste like grapes, sooooo 😋🥰).

May the odds be ever in our favor, and may our hearts be our guiding keys.

Your survival kit has been received o(^▽^)o✨

[mt-lowercase-m-derogatory]

"Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" - played out, straightforward tiddy euphemism I think?

"HIS milkshake brings all the boys/girls to the yard" - fresh, effervescent, ambiguous.

[wenkexingdefenselawyer]

tine's delusional ass always going hehe i love girls while his milkshake is bringing ALL the boys to the yard

[steele-soulmate]

Tattooed Wings, CHAPTER 539, Peter Steele & OFC, Soulmate AU

SUMMARY: Mary Claire Bradley meets her soulmate- literally- the famous Peter Steele of metal group Type O Negative. But will obstacles including trauma, stalkers, and toxic family members get in the way of their life?

WARNING: mentions of child rape (nothing graphic) PTSD, milk kink, soft smut, grinding, assault, fingering, hand jobs, blow jobs, 69, P in V sex, blood, noncon rape, violence, death, vandalism, graffiti, attempted kidnapping, break-ins, wild animal attacks, terrorist attack (sabotage) consensual impregnation, bareback, impregnation kink, creampies, terrorist attacks (shootings) hit and run pedestrian accident, precipitous labor, neonatal death, abandoned baby

WORDS: 1917

“Alright now audience- shout out your song suggestions for musical whips!” James called out as I bought him a tankard of water. “Gramacy Mary Claire!”

“Sweet Caroline!”

“Witcher!”

“Barney!”

“Like a Virgin!”

“Flight of the Bumblebee!”

“Eye of the Tiger!”

“Freebird!”

“Bad to the Bone!”

“Dead Girl Walking!”

“SpongeBob!”

“Ma’am,” James scolded in a serious tone of voice. “SpongeBob was the second most requested song in this show for seven years! And I was finally all like oh let’s get some different material and you all are all like NO! We only want the classics!”

“Alright, gentleman in the back!” I called out, pointing to the dude in the back row. “Save us, please!”

“My Milkshake!” he yelled, causing for everyone to explode into laughter.

“My whip cracks bring all the boys to my yard

And they’re like it’s better than yours

Darn right

It’s better than yours

I could whip you…” James trailed off to the audience hooting and applauding him.

“Alright, what do you got for us?” I asked a tiny six year old girl sitting on her father’s lap.

“This is Halloween!” she yelled.

“This is Halloween?” James repeated, getting a loud cheer from the audience. “Alright, tell you what- I already did This is Halloween last week, but how about Oogie Boogie song instead?”

“Mister quippy whippy says

It’s time for whipping rhymes

You’d better pay attention now

Cause I’m gonna whip in time

And if you aren’t sing along

There’s something very wrong

Cause this is how I whip it

When I do my whippy song

Hon hon-”

“Hon hon!” yelled the crowd.

“Hon hon,” sang James.

“Hon hon!” everyone shouted.

“Hon hon,” smirked my friend, still whipping his beat.

“Hon hon!” screamed the people.

“I’m the whippy quippy man,” he finished the song to much cheerings. “Alright, what next?”

“Muffin Man!” screamed someone front the third row.

“Muffin Man?” repeated James in utter disbelief, eliciting a round of cheers from the audience.

“No, do Witcher!” yelled someone else.

“No, I’ve already done Toss a Coin to Your Witcher!” James scowled at him before turning to me. “But I’ve never done Muffin Man- like, you mean the song Muffin Man?”

“Do you even know the muffin man?” I asked him.

“THE MUFFIN MAN!” he screamed at me. “No, now that I think about it, I don’t know the muffin man,”

“The muffin man?” I laughed at our silliness.

“The muffin man!” James looked exhausted as he turned to the audience.

“Is it me, or is this entire thing giving you Shrek vibes?” I wondered out loud as I cleared the stage once more.

“Wait wait wait a minute, hold on a minute- how does that song go again?” James asked everyone.

“Do you know the muffin man

The muffin man

The muffin man

Do you know the muffin man

Who lives on Drury Lane” sang the audience, getting a cackle out from the retired circus performer.

“Do you know the whippy man

The whippy man

The whippy man

Do you know the whippy man

Who does not know this song” James whipped the song in between giggles.

“One Winged Angel!” someone else screamed out.

“That’s the song from Final Fantasy Seven, right?” James asked, confirming it and giving out a loud sigh of annoyance. “A game that came out… 1997, I think?”

“A song that probably older than half the people here in the audience!” I droned, getting more whoops of mirth from people.

“A song that’s not even in English- it’s in Latin.” James waited a few seconds to let that tidbit of information sink in before continuing with his tirade against all humanity. “No one here speaks Latin- does anyone here speak Latin?” Someone raised their hand. “Shut up.” Everyone laughed as the Frenchman handed me a whip for me to hold while he performed the song with a single whip.

“We’re sorry!” someone yelled out.

“Yeah, well you should be,” he huffed. “I’m not sure what makes you think that I know that song, but I absolutely do know that song, and every little bit of that song, too! So we’re going to do it right now.”

“Estuand interius

Ira vehementi

Sephiroth

Sors immanis

Et inanis

Veni veni venias

Ne me mori facias

Veni veni venias

Ne me mori facias

Gloriosa

Generosa

Gloriosa

Generosa

Sephiroth”

“Now I just want you all to know that I sat down and I learned those lyrics,  well over a decade ago!” James grinded out his voice filled with exasperated glee. “Oh they’re remaking Final Fantasy Seven, that was really popular when I was a kid, I bet that song is going to be requested. I sat down and I learned all those GOD FORSAKEN LYRICS. And it NEVER EVER GOT REQUESTED. I have been waiting WELL OVER A DECADE FOR THIS MOMENT.”

I looked up and caught Peter’s smoldering green eyes locked on me as he cradled Baby Tommy, little girl Baby Eve and the Ratajczyk triplets in his muscular arms.

“Flight of the Bumblebee!”

“Come again?” James asked, cupping his ear to hear the audience member better.

“Do Flight of the Bumblebee!”

“Flight of the Bumblebee?” James accepted the second whip that I handed him before beginning to buzz loudly as he whipped out a fast beat.

“BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZ… BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZ… BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZ…” he sang out before finishing up with a dramatic flourish.

“Star Wars!” yelled someone new who was just randomly passing by the stage area.

“What Star Wars song?” James immediately honed in on one person sitting near the back. “The Imperial March? You got it!”

I lit a couple of torches before bouncing off into the audience up to Peter to demand a quick kiss before coming back up to the stage once more.

“No, no, no- we’re not doing Duel of the Fates!” James scolded me, cracking his whips a couple of times. “WHAT THE- THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!”

I turned around to see what the Frenchman was upset at this time, and saw that his whip had become undone from the hilt. I took a look at his face and an amused snigger leaked from my mouth.

“I need to do a quick DIY and fix this- does anyone have a lighter that I can borrow?” A woman from the second row held up a lighter, which she had crowd surf to the front, where I intercepted up and clicked it on for my friend to do the quick fix. “I just need to repair this really quickly. This has never happened before!”

“He got this covered- he is a professional!” I yelled, getting the audience to loudly respond. “Who here is having a great time at the New York Renaissance Faire?” The crowd answered me. “Who all’ve seen me wandering about?” A light smattering of cheers and some applause met my words. “Alright, now I have a feeling that this is about to get a lot louder- who’ve seen Jackie boy here wandering about?” The crowd exploded.

“Alright now audience, as you all may know, I have a catchphrase,” James was saying as he fiddled with his whip. “I am extremely fond of saying, oui oui!”

“OUI OUI!” everyone screamed in delight.

“And Mary Claire here goes-” He jerked his thumb rather half heartingly towards me.

“TORTURE!” I sang out.

“TORTURE!” chorused the gathered people.

“Ladies and gentlemen, what we would like to do is combined those two catchphrases,” James sighed as he finally fixed his whip. “And no, we will not be doing oui oui torture- that will be a different show.”

“You can find more of that kind of stuff on onlyfans.com/jaqueszewhipper!” I teased the audience as he returned to center stage once more.

“Wow…” James looked like he didn’t know whether to laugh or pout.

“I already told the crowd today about the Golden Banana,” I rectified myself.

“I know you did!” James laughed. “Cuz they came to my show and were all like oh when do you start?”

Everyone laughed at our playful banterings.

“That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Mary Claire and I dance at the Golden Banana,” James confirmed everyone’s thoughts. “Mary Claire’s name is- what is it, Prime Rib?”

“No, it’s Ser Loin!” I corrected him, clearly appalled.

“Ser Loin!” James repeated, ashamed at forgetting. “I am apparently Filet Mignon because I am French. And Mary Claire’s husband has been recently joining us, we call him Beef Jerky.”

I saw my soulmate losing his mind as he was roasted, the six babies, little girl, Baby Tommy, Baby Eve, Baby Mattie, Baby Teddy and Baby Jojo- tucked in his beefy arms and I knew that he would extract his revenge on me later tonight for the roasting I was giving his family name.

“Alright, now shut up- I’m going to do the Imperial March now!” James shooed me off into the audience. “Obi Won never told you what happened to your father,” James said to me as he did his impression of Darth Vader.

“He told me enough!” I cried out. “He told me you killed him!”

“No- I am your daddy!” And with that, James began to whip out the beat, singing very loudly and very off tuned.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed dramatically, dropping to my knees.

“Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah!”

The mayhem continued on for the rest of the show and before I knew it, I was lighting James’s fire whips with a lighter before skipping off out of danger, where I watched as he cracked the flame engulfed whips multiple times, flipping and twisting and spinning until with a final CRACK, the fire whips were extinguished.

“Thank you one, thank you all!” I thanked the audience. “You can find more of his stuff on onlyfans.com/jaqueszewhipper!”

“And you can find Mary Claire’s stuff at onlyfans.com/maryclaire!” James announced with a smirk.

Gramercy, thank you, old French?

Oui oui, yes yes, French 

TAGLISTS ARE OPEN/ ASK BOX IS OPEN/ REQUESTS ARE OPEN/ PLOT BUNNIES ARE WELCOMED

If you liked this, then please consider buying me a coffee HERE It only costs $3!!!

PETER STEELE TAGLIST

@rock-a-noodle

@ch3rry-c01a

[duracel-battery]

my friend was reading aloud the one ring verse (“one ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them”) and my brain went ‘its like the milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard’

[servingliesarch]

can we talk about this look

[yeetlegay]

Rating Kinnporsche’s fruitiest moments 🍌🍑🍋

This little finger move, aka the Prostate Locator 3000. He doesn’t need a milkshake, the boys are already in his yard thanks to this.

On a scale of 1-5: 🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉

We get it Porsche, you can fit a lot in your mouth.

On a scale of 1-5: 🍌🍌

But as we all know, that won’t stop him from trying. The sick burn is made null and void by how fucking fruity he was to judge a man’s breedability in the first place.

On a scale of 1-5: 🍇🍇🍇🍇

Another fine example of the Prostate Locator 3000, but what really elevates the fruity factor here is the little shoulder shimmy he adds in. If fruitiness were an Olympic Sport, my man would be gunning for gold.

On a scale of 1-5: 🍋🍋🍋

Queer culture at its finest to sit in front of a monk, listening to his wise sermon, making merits with your enemy’s spy while you grope him for all to see. It brings to mind my days of sitting in mass thinking about kissing girls.

On a scale of 1-5: 🍑🍑🍑🍑

Oh, to be a man, freshly railed, drinking milk at night with another man (who used to date your man), locked in a petty exchange of innuendo to gloat about swallowing come. Milk has never been fruitier.

On a scale of 1-5: 🥥🥥🥥🥥🥥

This is the healthcare we deserve. Pride flag ambulance lights, cute robes, and a shared cigarette with which to indirectly kiss your fellow patient.

On a scale of 1-5: 🍓🍓🍓

Gazing up through your bangs with fear in your pretty eyes after suffering brutally at the hands of your sexily troubled kidnapper? Something LGBT is afoot.

On a scale of 1-5: 🍊🍊🍊

He’s eating his ass. What is there to explain?

On a scale of 1-5: 🍑🍑🍑🍑🍑

Nothing fruitier than wedding rings. The produce aisle is wiped clean.

On a scale of 1-5: 🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒 + bonus 🍒