#worlds most fuckable vampire

[sophsun1]

#his milkshake brings all the boys and girls to the yard

[chainsawmascara]

[werecreature-addicted]

One if the things I find fascinating when people focus on the sparkle part of vampires us that people tend to forget or simply not know that Meyer created the most terrifying version of vampires ever. Unless you yourself are a supernatural, their unkillable and indestructible, but even then you have to do it in a specific way or they come back and stitch themselves back together like their the fucking Iron Giant. They don't need to sleep, their in a constant state of hunger (and you can't even have sexy feeding times with them because they can't NOT drain you when feeding because of that hunger) can move and process information faster than humans can track them, so strong that the world is effectively tissue paper around them and some of them have super powers.

Like, people laugh ar them for being sparkly when actually if I had a list of vamps I'd want to take on (in a fight or 👀💦) I know whose last on that list on both counts if I want to have a chance of walking away afterwards.

it's almost not fair to compare Twilight vampires to other vampires, other vampires are in monster movies about oh fuck we need to kill this vampire. twilight is about look how cool and fuckable vampires are, only you're not allowed to fuck them until after marriage because the vampires are also Christian.

[radioactivewisdom]

Even if one could halt the aging process, you’d still end up discarded. Youth is more than appearances and both men and women get off on “being first.” Although stupidity is ageless, older people are typically more set in their ways, making younger ones more moldable. Everyone wants a young mind and body to implement their own agenda. Natalism runs deep because of what babies born represent. You hear it all the time, children are a new beginning, a chance to start over. This leads to parents and society at large doing their best, even resorting to physical violence in order to create new versions of people they want. Which in our world means low vibrational hostile lust addicted consumers. Don’t be mistaken, women participate just as often in the consumption of younger bodies. Usually emotionally immeshing with their own offspring and projecting a myriad of issues onto them. Many admit to enjoying the infant and toddler stage most because they’ve yet to develop a will of their own. So being young is much more than what you look like. You represent a whole host of ideas and mindsets that the collective can’t wait to get their hands on. It’s almost sad when forgetting how perverted and evil their intentions are. I’ve had many an encounter with both older men and women who seem desperate to crawl into my skin. To have one more day in the sun. That’s because they don’t have anything else. They let the vampires consume them and all that’s left is an empty husk. Rewinding the clock wouldn’t help them really, it would be but another distraction. Letting them go back to soaking up shallow attention and admiration from those barely clinging onto life. An early grave awaits those who participate in this body snatching system. Enjoy your mental breakdown at 25 for no longer being the most “fuckable” preference. Life is long for those who truly live it and the opportunities for happiness never end.

[elvensemi]

I'm Publishing Serial Webnovels

Hi guys! I'm @elvensemi, and some of you might know me from writing Dragon Age fanfic Keeping Secrets, or from writing weird gargoyle porn with @unpretty, or from that time I accidentally told a popular blog I write dragon porn on my main blog @solitarelee, or maybe from that one fanfic where the knight with a crossdressing kink fails at slaying a dragon so hard he gets seduced!

I've graduated college, and you know what that means! Student loans Free time! And so I'm finally pursuing my long term dream and publishing serial webnovels. The short version is: ebooks, I'm publishing ebooks via Patreon to see if it works because I don't want to deal with Amazon and marketplaces. Chuck Tingle does it, kind of!

I am writing such things as!

The Problem with Faeries An urban fantasy series for fans of Holly Black, featuring faeries and a librarian who has been cursed by a witch to turn into a tiny dog at night.

Everything at Once A coming of age fantasy novel set in a post-post-apocalyptic world full of many monsters and very few humans, with a nonbinary (genderfluid) protagonist and a rotating cast of gods and monsters.

The Demon Isles An adult romance series set in the same world as Everything at Once, this one's for the monsterf*ckers. Step into the shoes of an escaped slave who's been stranded in Fantasy Australia But All The Dangerous Things Can Be Seduced.

A Place Among the Stars An adult sci-fi political space opera that is also technically just solidly omegaverse sm*t plus space dragons. That's right, one of my friends dared me to write omegaverse and I overdid it and now they're aliens! All for you my friend.

Novelizations of works that previously existed only as RPs, such as Sanctuary and The Kingdom of Aeris.

AND SO MUCH MORE.

For $5 you get access to SFW material, and for $10 you get access to that and the things that are not SFW. You can view a full summary of the serials I'm working on at tinyurl.com/SemiSerials , or click the read more.

The Demon Isles (NSFW, Second Person)

Oceanside is a world full of elves and gods, monsters and magic. You, however, a human with no magic, no martial training, and a fear of... most things. Stranded on an unfamiliar island full of monsters, you must learn to harness humanity’s true power in order to survive. The issue with that is, as far as anyone can tell, humanity’s true powers are friendship and fuckability.

The Demon Isles is a erotic, second-person monsterfucking romp through the dangerous Demon Isles. The second person character is referred to by gender neutral terminology and they/them pronouns, physical appearance left ambiguous. Sex scenes have two versions with different sets of genitalia for the main character. Tags and content warnings are available for each chapter.

The Problem with Faeries (SFW, Third Person)

The problem with faeries is that we love them. We know all the sharp and cruel ways they twist us apart and we love them with a helpless, hopeless foolishness that never fades until it destroys us.

Bree is a human living in Valesport, a small town on the east coast of the United States that functions as a secret haven for the supernatural. As a cursed human, it’s one of the safer places for her... at least, safe from other humans. Everything else Valesport has to offer remains a threat. She’s already had her run-ins with werewolves, vampires, and whatever the hell Jean Cernunnos is... so, in retrospect, she was probably due to get into trouble with the Fae.

A fan favorite finally finding a venue of publication, The Problem with Faeries is a SFW urban fantasy with a side of romance perfect for fans of Holly Black. It is third person and follows the point of view of the protagonist, Bridget “Bree” Corey, as she finds herself tangled up trying to navigate faerie drama and her own personal feelings, neither of which she is particularly equipped to handle.

Everything at Once (SFW, First Person)

Babs wants everything the world has to offer... everything except what it’s actually prepared to hand over. As the eldest child of the ruling noble family--or what passes for it--of the only human village remaining old and large enough to still have a ruling noble family, even if just in name, Babs’s whole life has been laid out in front of them since the moment they were born. And they want none of it. However, after a bold escape from the village they knew all their life, they find themselves adrift in an unfriendly world of monsters and magic that seems much larger and much less friendly than they had hoped.

Everything at Once is a SFW fantasy novel set all over the world of Oceanside as our determined protagonist, Babs, attempts to explore all there is to explore and experience all there is to experience (it is possible they have not thought this through). Babs is a non-binary, gender fluid illusionist referred to varyingly by he, she, and they pronouns based on presentation. The story is a first person mixed POV exploring a wide range of characters and topics, but always staying focused on the many transformations of the main character as they learn what it is they want... and what it is to want.

Future Projects: Projects that are in development but do not have a set release date yet.

A Place Among the Stars [Working Title] (NSFW)

A Place Among the Stars is a NSFW erotic political space opera featuring Omegaverse style aliens and also space dragons, amongst other alien races. It features two protagonists: an exiled and excommunicated Saint who once led a cult that threatened the peace and stability of his homeworld, and a mid level government official presiding over the walled ghetto where the Ab’ed keep all foreign visitors and immigrants to their planet. They quickly find themselves entangled: politically, as the Saint once again threatens the stability of the world around him--in more ways than one--and sexually, as the tension between the two reaches a fever pitch.

Sanctuary (NSFW, Third Person)

Most people would consider Ren unlucky. After all, she’s been homeless since she was a child, has no living family she knows of, and she was recently kidnapped by sex traffickers and ripped away from the city she had been living in for years. But as far as Ren is concerned, she’s the epitome of good luck: not only has she survived all the things life has thrown at her, but she’s escaped said sex traffickers and even found shelter in an abandoned, boarded up cathedral. The fact that the cathedral, undisturbed for a century or more, is home to a guardian whose only experience with the world is violently murdering intruders, well... once again, whether that’s good or bad luck is based purely on interpretation.

Sanctuary is a NSFW urban fantasy erotic romance featuring a cis female protagonist and a male (as these things go) gargoyle love interest, as well as a mix of other romantic interests (primarily M/F with some F/F or NB/F thrown in). Tags and content warnings are available for each chapter. This fan-favorite returns in serialized, ebook form for easy reading. Follow Ren’s journey anew from mixed perspectives as she explores the streets of Valesport and finds something she’s never had before; a place to call home.

[bg3smash-or-pass]

Characters impacted by this:

- House of Healing sisters (unclear how the shadow curse affects their minds)

- All gnolls (gnolls are a humanoid race and hypothetically smashable, but every gnoll we encounter in BG3 that isn’t hostile is because is is under the influence of an illithid tadpole, altering their behavior)

- Almost all undead (including ghosts, excluding vampires. It is clear in this setting vampires would only struggle with consent against orders from their sire and vampire master, not the general public. It is unclear if zombies and undead skeletons have the capacity to consent given the lack of brain or soul. I personally am unclear on if ghosts are fully aware as they were when they were alive, or if they are an echo a la Speak With Dead.)(this includes most Dark Justiciars and other entities we encounter in the temple of Shar)

- Constructs (Steel Watch, Bernard, Grym. They are not people and thus have no consent to violate, but also, in turn, can’t really give it cause they don’t have it.)

- Absolute “Countermeasures” (again. Are they people? Can they consent? Similar quandaries to undead and constructs.)

- Creatures known through external Forgotten Realms lore to be thinking creatures capable of conversation and hypothetically consent, but do not show such in the game (usually because they are only shown in combat)(Flumph, Spectator, Minotaur)

- Redcaps

- Strange Ox

- Hollyphants

- Mephits and Elementals

[chen-chen-chen-again-chen]

Things about AWTWB that I forgot about or just noticed for the first time, upon a recent re-listen:

Lady Ruth as an unreliable narrator: “I’m not one to hold grudges” but next page “I would dance on his grave and throw a fiesta and then resurrect him so I could kill him again” (My poor paraphrase) 

Baz, about vampires: “They’re less like murderers - more like sexy bedbugs” 

Baz, about Petra and Sophie: “I thought twins were supposed to be best friends, but all they do is eat jam and butter sandwiches and throw things at each other" (Me, adding to my Jelly Babies notes folder: “Yup, that tracks”)  

Simon (about Baz): “I mean, have a look at him. He’s the most fuckable person alive. Or otherwise” (#facts)

Dev is a PITCH cousin, not a GRIMM fuck me why did I think he was a Grimm sljk;dskljdskjldsaljks

The door knocker for Salisbury House is shaped like a SMILING CYCLOPS (adding to my Rosethorn girl notes folder) 

Simon, to Baz: “I’m not letting you fuck with my face. Although I’m starting to get the feeling you really want to.” Oh-okay, horny boi 

Simon notes like three times in three pages that Smith Smith-Richards is fit like hmmmmmm-kay

Every time Smith Smith-Richards mentions Simon: "I'm not jealous okay I'm a little jealous how is he so hot" they're a li'l mutual admiration club

Simon, to Baz: “I can get one of those poles” (clothes racks) but because of Yuri on Ice!!, my brain went “pole-dancing Simon Snow??” 

Shepherd holds the secret key to being magic even when you don’t speak magic: “The world is magic, and I’m a part of the world.” 

THE GRIMM KIDS HAVE A DOG: “a Tibetan mastiff that they bought when they moved to Oxford.” (In my head canon this dog is named Amblewise, or another name from this list of medieval dog names, THANK YOU GOOD NIGHT)

I continue to have Complicated Feelings about Malcolm Grimm but he is So Soft for Daphne: “He treats her with as much polite tenderness as ever. He dotes on her, in his way. Caters to her every whim without making a show of it.” 

JAMIE knew about the Goats of Watford when none of the folks who actually went to Watford did, besides Niamh, like JKASDJKLDSAJKLSADKLJADSKLADSKLJADSKJL UNCLE JAMBY FOR THE WIN

Penelope Bunce is a Fucking Queen: “Being comforting isn’t one of my core competencies. Breaking people out of towers is.” 

Pippa Stainton is a Goddamn Empress: “I don’t forgive you. I never want to see you again. Tell Simon I say thank you.” 

Simon and Jamie get fucking KFC in a stolen van after the hullabaloo with Smith-Richards and if that’s not nephew-uncle bonding at its finest, I don’t what is 

Miss Christie, the school nurse, is the only person (I think) who basically says to Simon, “I’m sorry for your loss” instead of “The Mage was a flaming sack of shit” 

I’m not crazy… Penny really is a year younger than the rest of them (thought I was mixing this up with Hermione)

LUCY also started Watford a year early fsalkjsadsjlkfsdljkdfs (now I have to go back and fix my timelines for Rosethorn girl, FUCK) 

Just like Lady Ruth, Mitali hoped that Lucy would come out of hiding after the Mage died (just stab me harder in the heart, Rainbow)

I DO really want a fic of bisexual Martin Bunce making bread; I feel like our core competencies overlap in many ways

There are magical swans in Oxford. I bet they r gay

Simon cries when Baz plays the violin 

They're all good dogs, Bront. 16/10 will listen to this audiobook again for like..... the sixth time

[giantkillerjack]

Nothing creepier to me in this world than a male Christian talking about the value he places on virgin women like it would genuinely feel less Yikes to me if he were a vampire who only ate virgins.

At least when the women talk about valuing their virginity, it's just a bummer. But the men are like HMMMMMM YESSS GOD TOLD ME TO FUCK ONLY THE MOST VIRGINAL OF FLESSSHHHH - like goddamn y'all have some self-respect you sound like the Phantom of the Opera if he was 100% less fuckable!

I mean, jfc, these poor women are "saving themselves" for THAT?! All so they can have a bunch of babies who will either grow up homophobic and trapped in similarly dull and unhappy marriages, or kids who turn out to be gay and gradually come to the decision to cut themselves off from their fundamentalist parents??

THAT guy's the payoff??

That's some horror movie shit! That's some Rosemary's Baby business right there!! That girlie is training herself for Stepford wifehood! Like the kind from the 1970s movie where it's actually scary!! This is why people think that Christians can't fuck good! That man will not make you cum for your whole life!! Run, bitch, run!!!!

[whumpitisthen]

here's a quick rundown on astarion: gay vampire spawn (not a vampire. like a demo version vampire. a "lesser" one but don't let him hear that) who has been kept for 200 years by his master as a slave. guy (who was an actual vampire) carved him up, tortured him and forced him to lure victims into his manor. astarion has been abused in so many ways i'd hit some sort of character limit if i listed half of them. he was only allowed to feet on rats and small vermin in the sewers. poor little meow meow astarion is now free due to [game story] reasons and seeks power and revenge -- he's an edgy fuck with a lot of swag and no moral compass. bro is a menace and loves causing problems on purpose. [slight spoiler] he will literally try to suck some of your blood like a day or two after you meet him and unless you succeed a skill check he'll just keep doing it until you die. if you resurrect yourself afterwards he'll go like "ooooh ooopsie sowwy! i wouldn't kill you if i knew you'll be back teehee can we forget about this? ;) <3 don't fucking kill me". he's such a good fucking whumpee you don't even know. it's insane. i don't want to ramble but he's almost everything i've ever wanted from a character like this in a large scale rpg. [slightly bigger spoiler] despite being the go-to "fuckable" character who everyone finds hot as hell (both in-universe and online) he's HORRIBLY traumatized by his sexual experiences from when he used to be a slave and when you romance him a good portion of his storyline revolves around trying to make him realize that he's more than just a slab of very attractive meat. he hides his feelings behind a facade of "evil tumblr sexyman-esque" mannierisms and getting to finally peel it back and see him for the poor wet cat that he is is so fucking satisfying. [an even bigger spoiler] i loved watching him cry when he finally gets to confront his former master. pristine content. there's so much more to his character (and this game in general) but if you ever need to justify spending full price on a new videogame release, there's nothing better than bg3. if i could choose one game to beam directly into the brain of each whumpblr user, it'd be this one.

Okay so i already loved him from the very little information i had about him, but this is so delicious

I saw some pics of bad scars which are always hhh and heard that he is a whumpee but i didn't know the extent and now i think ive collected a new blorbo

You are telling me he meets his old master at some point...... and he cries..... and hes all sad....... he rly was made for tumblr but especially me youre telling me he has white hair and is a vampire twink who was a slave and hurt and traumatised and he has incredible sad wet cat energy and he only has a flimsy layer of confidence and absolutely no idea what morals are. i knew i needed to know more you have to understand my knowledge of the game stopped at the bear sex scene like that is it and yet i somehow always find the most pathetic little men no matter what in any media i could not give a shit about any of the rest i will consume the entire thing just to know the exact extent of his sad little life

Also i wish i had the opportunity to even consider buying a full price new release no matter how good the game is there is no world in which id be able to pay for that. Also idk about the gameplay either it seems very story oriented roleplay and almost dating sim-ish? Not a huge fan of those in general its gotta have more gameplay than walking around and basically watching a movie, but, again. No idea about anything, maybe it has incredible gameplay and i just dont know. Dont tell me if it does itll just make ms sadder bc that would absolutely make me wanna play it myself. Its kinda funny honestly the longer i spend not knowing anything the crazier everyone seems to me both online and irl. Its like im living in a separate world, i know no one who hasn't played this fucking game fjfhskhfd

[janedoewonders]

Love in Moderation

I love romance. I am enamored with love, its intricacies and imperfection. I gave up locked away the hopeless romantic in me. She believed in a prince who fought dragons to save a princess they barely knew. She dreamt of vampires who would bear the pain of loss for eternity just to experience human love that’s a minuscule blip in their lifetime. She smiled with the hope of strangers meeting over the same love of books or coffee or sunsets or murder. She believed in Achilles’s scream of agony upon Patroclus’s eternal slumber. She longed for the most destructive, heart-wrenching, all consuming yearning love of the other. She believed in a love so grand it’s a whole new monster to grapple with in the next dream, terrifying and paralyzing yet prayed and slept for.

I hate her. She made me weak and always so forlorn. In my time in this world, i have found a fear beyond unrequited love, wrong-timing love, forbidden love, fell-out-of-love love. To have all this love in your cup, but none to pour into. It terrifies me that others may see the love in my cup, but think it to be too much or too little or too purple or too thick or too wanting or too romantic, just not right for them. They see me as lovable and desirable and sexy and fuckable, but it’s not for them. The same way you’d turn down a different brand of coffee if your favorite is Starbucks. It’s not terrible but you’d prefer something else.

I hate her dreams of excess. She taught me one way of love, the love that hurts all the way to the bones. Love that’s bright and all-consuming, all stardust and blackholes. It is powerful. It is the love that embeds and exudes from every fiber of being. L o v e in all its glorious intricacies and prose and tears and grand silences. It may not be loud but it is grand. It hurts, in good and bad ways, but it has to hurt because if it does not, is it truly love? If it is not grand, would I want any of it? I love with all that I am. I was once told that I love too much. It was true. But I don’t know how I could ever process being told I want you, but l e s s. They saw all that you can give, but refused. How do I stop asking what piece they’d want cut off?

I love, not in moderation. But I wish i was just right to be loved too.

[0junemeatcleaver0]

I know Anne Rice said Lestat's face is square but this is too square. I feel bad saying it, Sam Reid seems like a nice guy but I really really wanted Cody Fern

Cody Fern is such a great illustration for the very specific point I was making. Well, two points I guess.

1) I am fully affronted that I find this version of Lestat deeply unsexy

And 2) Sam Reid (even Vamped up) just looks like...a dude. Is he a handsome waiter or an extra handsome civilian at a tractor pull? All I know for certain is thats not a vampire--especially not a vampire so handsome and charming every character in these books gives him carte blanche to act an entire ass without major repercussions.

All of that is to say:

Yeah. Not everyone is gonna find the same face handsome. Sure. I'm not so unreasonable to not get that.

But when you're casting what's arguably the most attractive male vampire to ever be written, you wanna at least casting someone who looks almost ethereal. Human, but not fully of this world.

Because here's a secret. I don't find Cody Fern fuckable either. But you smear some blood across that charming grin and I find myself thinking, "...yeah, I'd let him kill me."

Meanwhile, I wouldn't even let Sam change the oil in my car. 🤷‍♀️

(Also, thank you for your ask 😂)

[daisys-gard3n]

ohmygod,, uh nsfw l-lawyer dio headcanons + assistant s/o 😩 pleAse ,,, afab if possible 👉👈

Ngl dio is rlly fuckable if you take away the sociopath

Lawyer Dio & AFAB s/o headcanons

If dio never took jonathan's body and never became a vampire btw

He's the perfect lawyer - cocky, cunning, charming, and great at convincing others. He's called 'the courtroom devil' for this reason

'Brando Law' is the most popular lawyer firm in london, aristocrats pay him lots if money to swindle the judge in their favor - which is where you come in

You're an intern for law school credentials, thousands of people at your college submitted applications to get to work with the Dio Brando and you were the lucky pick

He intimidated you a lot (think when kakyoin first met dio), he was just gigantic compared to you in real life. You looked like a rabbit in front of a lion.

He found it amusing how eager you were to please for a good recommendation

At first, he would just tell you to handle his schedule, make him hot beverages, take letters and telegrams, run small errands in town. Small things, really.

You were clearly frustrated, you wanted to earn experience as a lawyer, not an office assistant. After the initial formality fear melted away, you marched to his desk and (politely) asked him if you could do real lawyer things.

Dio saw how you were standing your ground, you weren’t going to leave him alone until you got your way. He’s amused, but he’s going to make you fight for it. He wants to see the passion and the dominance it takes to be a lawyer, afterall you’re getting paid to argue for someone. You need to sound convincing.

You didn’t leave him alone, like he predicted. You were on his ass, the moment he gave you the slightest bit of chance to witness the law world. You attended court hearings, taking notes as he effortlessly provided enough evidence to prove his client innocent, attended private hearings, tediously went through piles of evidence and fact checking them, and so on. 

He’s impressed, but now it was time to prove yourself: a court-like debate whether or not you were able to take on your own ‘clients’ or not. (the really miniscule clients, like property damage.)

After about a good hour or so, he took notice of your form: the flame in your eyes, how passionate you were arguing your point, your well-collected set of ‘evidence’ you presented...

And how adorable you looked, looking up at him with huffing cheeks like it was threat to him. 

Needless to say, you won and got assigned to actual lawyer business. 

Your relationship grew, from professional colleagues to friends...And more.

He would confined in his personal problems to you, since he didn’t really have anyone else. He had Jonathan, but half of his complaining revolved around Jonathan. Erina wouldn’t hesitate to beat him with an umbrella if he even went near her, that Speedwagon was pretty much Jonathan’s dog, and old man Zeppeli pretty much hated him too. 

“-So the fool knocked over one of the vases because he got distracted when his wife called over to him! Not only that, he had the nerve to track dirt all over the carpet! I’m surprised Jojo has even made this far!”

You just make him tea and listen.

You try to put some input, but he huffs and continues complaining like the diva is. Sometimes he tries what you tell him to do.

You guys get pretty close, then uh oh-FEELINGS

you’re super conflicted about having feelings for someone who is pretty much your boss

Dio would be in super denial because of how prideful he was.

He would would accidentally confide in Jojo about his feelings towards you and regret every word that came out of his mouth because Jojo put him in a strangling hug with sparkles in his eyes

“Oh, I’m so happy for you, Dio! Don’t worry, your brother is here to help!”

“L-LET GO OF ME, JOJO! I CAN’T BREATHE!”

Jonathan would then tell Erina, who would be more than happy to help him (not Dio). They would plan double dates or for you and Erina to hang out so she could get some intel. Speedwagon and Will help out too.

the feelings only get stronger

One night, you were invited to a candle-lit dinner by Dio (all planned by Jonathan). You were pretty mesmerized by how suave Dio was, enjoying the company until the final blow:

at the private balcony, looking up to the moon he would just drop:

“(L/n), come apply for a real position under me.”

“Hm? Why this all of a sudden?”

“Because...The thought of you with some other hooligan makes my skin crawl.”

Basically, said I love you and you accepted the offer with a kiss

Somewhere in the distance, Jonathan and Erina are hugging each other with glee.

Now the jooicy part y’all want:

After ya’lls first time, it gets pretty freaky: he didn’t want to scare you off from the get-go

Desk sex: major role in this

for some odd reason, Dio just wants to clear everything off his desk and throw you down on top

normally happens in the later hours of the office

he’s impatient that he has no time to be suave, he calls you over and pushes you down to lay on your back

Likes to be on top and finger you at the same time

You’ll be squirming underneath his touch, how his thick fingers spread your hole out for his cock and his calloused thumb rubbing messy circles over your clit. 

He has a wolfish grin and a glint in his eye as he teases you:

“Darling, is this too much for you? You’ve taken bigger things.”

Spreader

meaning: he likes for you to sit on his lap, he spreads your legs as far as he can before doing an action.

since he’s taller than you, he can peer down to see your tight cunt taking in his fingers or his cock. gets him riled up

He likes it for your back to face him so he can whisper up against your ear and bit your neck.

he’s massive, so he can use you as his cock sleeve.

“Darling, you’re so tight for me. Could it be that I charmed you that much? I’m flattered, dearest.”

“Spread wider, dearest. Show me how your cunt can take all of me.”

sometimes indulges in mirror sex, just for the teasing and degradation factors 

“Look at that expression, it’s befitting of a common whore. Do you really enjoy getting spread open by my cock like this? I bet you love looking at yourself like this, seeing how that tight hole takes me in. You do the wildest things to me, Wench.”

Cockwarming fanatic: he’ll force you on his cock while he does paperwork for the next hour or so while forcing you to stay still, loves it when you whine and beg for him to do something to you.

Exhibitionist 

he’ll be at a dinner with you and some clients, that’s when you feel his hand on your thigh and then start teasing you from the outside of your bottoms.

he’ll manage to weasel his way in to start teasing your clit and fingering you.

He’ll have no qualms about it, casually drinking wine and laughing alongside the guests while you’re shaking and biting your lips in order not to make any noise.

“What’s wrong, (Y/n)? Aren’t you going to speak to our esteemed guests?”

Honestly, fuck him

he’ll make you talk while he fingers you, hitting the sweet spots while you’re mid-sentence. You let out a whine, Dio smiling at the guests: 

“They just stubbed their toe on the table leg, they’re fine.”

it’s worse if Jonathan is around.

something about fucking you in the next room over with Jonathan and Erina unaware of it, the possibility of Jojo walking in makes Dio go feral 

“Imagine if Jojo were to hear us...And to walk on us, to see your sinful expression! Hng, I would love to see his face of embarrassment! I would just continue without a care~! What if he saw this pussy? Dripping all over the place and sucking in my cock? Ah, fuck~! I want more!”

His favorite position, THE MATING PRESS

HE DOESN’T EVEN WANT KIDS, YET HE DOES THE POSITION TO GET SOMEONE THE MOST PREGNANT 

Also likes standing and pounding in you while you lay on a flat surface

Want him to lose it and just fuck you then and there?: give him a blowjob underneath his desk while he’s talking to clients

He’ll have his seemingly unbreakable suave persona as a front to the client while your mouth is wrapped around him, he’ll take his hand and shove your head down so far that you might choke around his cock.

His voices doesn’t break when he talks, but you’ll occasionally get a reaction out of him that you relish in

the minute they leave, Dio peers down at you and dares you with a glare to stop. 

“I hope you’re planning to continue what you started, dearest.”

Yeah, you getting throat fucked, but god it’s worth it to see Dio embarrassed and trying to keep himself composed for once

Cum goes inside you. Birth control methods weren’t really condoned at the time because anyone who could reproduce at the time were taught to reproduce at a given moment.

Can be sweet if you squint

Must dom otherwise his ego is at risk.

If you somehow get him to be sub, he’ll be a bitch about it the whole time.

he’ll probably only do this on special occasions like your birthday or holidays.

no promises.

Punishment

You’re still in school at this point and you ask Dio to help you study for an important exam

leads to you tied up with his ties, clothes ripped open, him teasing you with different tools (spanking with a riding crop, paddle, nothing too bad), and giving you harsh punishment if you get something wrong. 

He’ll be asking you a question while rubbing the flat edge of the riding crop against your sopping cunt, you’re flustered and it’s difficult to think.

“-What is the answer a subpoena, (Y/n)?”

“I-I...U-Um...Somethin’...’bout the witness?”

“Almost, but incorrect.”

WHACK

to either your bum or your pussy

edges you on and on for hours until you’re able to say all of the correct answers, only then does he rub your clit for you cum within two seconds.

He does this with chess sometimes

You want a pussy beating of a lifetime? Make him jealous

if you want it even worse, say Jonathan might be better than him.

Good luck walking for the week.

and having hickies all over your body

Oh yeah, BITEMARKS

when he’s about to cum, he bites your neck or in between your shoulders

bites your fingers too

Alright, your sex life isn’t all whips and bite marks. There are tenderfucking moments where he or you need comfort and somehow goes into soft hand-holding sex or cuddle fucking 

Despite looking and acting so mean, Dio’s pretty good at aftercare.

wraps you up in a blanket or gets a hot bath ready for you, massages the bruised areas, soft kisses to your forehead and lips.

makes tea or a glass of wine afterwards 

Ya’ll better enjoy the sex life while you can, you guys don’t get any privacy after Jorge II is born because he wants to ‘Visit Uncle Dio and (Aunt/Uncle/Some other name) (Y/n)’ and constantly wants the two of you to play with him.

just like his son, Joseph wants to play with you guys too and won’t leave dio alone

And eventually Giorno, Donatello, Rykiel, and Ungalo follow suit because dio has weak pull-out game

Can’t have one moment of sexy times before Rykiel comes crying to you that Giorno buried his stuffed animal in the garden.

“Can’t we have one moment of peace?”

“You were the one who got me pregnant, Dio.”

“Not now, dearest...”

[michaelmilligan]

It was love at first sight- NO

Dean thinks Cas just looks like some guy, while also being intimidated bc wtf, that's am ANGEL! Basically a monster. It takes some time for him to see Cas as a person, and then some more time before he catches himself staring at Cas. His eyes (they glow sometimes, but he starts to think that they're always radiant and WHAT where did that thought come from). His hands. His tie, askew once again, and couldn't that thing be put to better-woah, another weird thought! And oh no, Dean realizes he has the hots for the angel. :/ But they're just friends. Cas is an angel, anyway, he doesn't think about sex or love or whatever. He probably can't, it's not in his nature. Though Cas is a hell of a guy, also so loyal, or trying to be. Always caring about Dean, giving up a whole army for a guy. He even seems to care about Dean not as a hunter, or a brother (though maybe... could it be that? He's not sure) but as... just Dean? As his own person? Not an extension of John or Sam or Mary? That's hard to compute. Cas is such a funky little guy. A fuckable funky little guy... But he can't ever admit that, Cas would leave him. He hasn't through all this time, but this would definitely break what they have. He's not so stupid that he would risk it just for some sex. And even MORE time later, Dean is like wait. I also want him to hug me and kiss me all the time. Oh no, Dean has caught the feelings (TM) !!!

And Cas. When he first meets Dean (and then later in the barn), he is still Castiel, angel of the Lord, commander of armies. Holy... tax accountant? No, no, that human might be the righteous man and the Michael Sword, but he is quite silly. Though entertaining. Also relatable, surprisingly, and Cas finds that oh yes, he really would do anything so Dean wouldn't have to do this... Also he's Cas now, he's never had a nickname given to him by a human (he's called Cassie sometimes by his siblings, and it's fine, but it doesn't feel like this, this... intimate?). Obviously, Dean is still just a burnt and broken shell of a man. Not that special, except for his heritage. Even though.. . he feels very strongly, and Cas is fascinated by that, and Dean becomes his guidance on humanity. And then Cas does all sorts of things, things he thinks will be good, but instead Dean is angry at him. :/ Cas doesn't like Dean being angry at him, and he wants to make it up to him, because... because Dean has become the most important person for him, whose approval he seeks. And then. And then Dean gets a VAMPIRE friend and that just won't stand because. Well, CAS is his friend. His best friend. And that vampire has no business being so chummy with him and calling Cas his aunt. :/ And oh. Cas has seen this before, this emotion, this behaviour. It's called JEALOUSY and how did that happen?? Cas has been feeling more and more but this is new. Or is it? Maybe not. Maybe this has been simmering in him. Maybe it's connected to the warm feeling when he looks at Dean, bc that's what turns to a burn when Dean is close to someone else in a particular way. And oh. Oh, yes. Cas is in LOVE. With this human who cares so much and has an anger management problem. Curious, for an angel to feel love. Cas thought he wasn't able to. But he is, and he cares for Dean, and Dean cares about the world. So Cas also cares about the world.

[taecoo]

is there any taegi fic that you recommend everyone should read (besides just skin lol)? it doesn't need to have a specific genre thank you for all you do :)

I don’t read tons of Taegi fics, so I’ve just compiled some popular fics.

So sorry for the late response I’ve just arrived from vacation 💕

my heart flutters from the sugar high by hoars

Yoongi and Taehyung sneak around together, cheating on their diets. The group? They've drawn different conclusions.

Where The Heart Is by roachprince

If home is where the heart is, then we're all just fucked.

(Fall Out Boy - 27)

Yoongi tries so hard to come home. Taehyung is already there.

(Or, to be less dramatic: Taehyung needs someone to play his boyfriend, and Yoongi lets himself get talked into one hell of a ride.)

The Less I Know The Better by mucha

“Together with their families, Kim Namjoon and Kim Seokjin… Wow, this is formal… Wait,” Hoseok squints at the paper, before looking back at Yoongi with a quizzical look on his face. “They invited you with a guest? But… You’re single, right?”

“Min Yoongi,” Jimin glares at him over the bar, crossing his arms sternly over his chest. “If you’re seeing someone and you didn’t tell us I will kick your ass, so help me god.”

“I’m not dating anyone,” Yoongi sighs, grabbing the invitation and scanning it quickly. The words “with a guest” are underlined and Yoongi can almost see it: the smugness on his brother’s face as he nods with satisfaction, putting the pencil down.

“So what does it mean?”

Yoongi shifts uncomfortably in his seat, avoiding making eye contact.

"I might’ve… invented a boyfriend," he finally mumbles to the glass in front of him.

hot mess (and i'm falling for you) by roachprince

(you've got me hypnotized)

Taehyung thinks Yoongi is cute in the fuckable way.

Yoongi thinks Taehyung is an asshole.

(you think you're hot shit

and ooh, i love it, i love it)

Like, Comment and Subscribe by mucha

“I got twelve new comments on that video about Frank Ocean’s new album. They just appeared, like, out of nowhere? It’s kinda weird, right?”

“Were they telling you the album is superior to Channel Orange?”

“You wish. No, they were mostly…” Yoongi pauses, searching for the right words. “Well, about my hands?”

“Huh.” Namjoon stares into the distance, chewing slowly. Then he shrugs and sends Yoongi a wide grin. “Well, your hands are nice, can’t argue there.”

(Or; Taehyung is a YouTuber, Yoongi likes to review albums online, and somewhere between that, they fall in love)

All These Sleepless Nights by mucha

Yoongi is a writer whose life is falling apart around him.

Until one day he sees a stranger reading his book and everything changes.

you’re my golden hour by marienadine

Yoongi is taking a photography class because it's a required elective. Kim Taehyung is:

1. the best photographer in the class, and

2. The Most Beautiful Person In The Entire World.

The Kookie Effect by TheOrgasmicSeke

Jungkook was the center of Yoongi's world and he wasn't keen on letting just anyone watch the kid. But, desperate times called for desperate measures. He could only hope this time around, Jungkook didn't scare off this babysitter like he had all the previous ones.

Vampires Will Never Hurt You by mucha

Taehyung accidentally tries to befriend a vampire.

[manifestoonmoralmanlove]

Gormless Ch. 3 - Dimple Objection!

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband.  In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England.  Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag.  She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon.  He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok.  Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything.  Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government.  She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, she is doing a bad job.  Her husband is in charge of the Supernatrual Police (BUR) so he’s probably going to have to do something too. Maybe.

There’s a dude named Channing who wants to punch and have sex with Alexia, and Ivy is getting married to some rich slub, even though she’s in wub with Maccon’s servant Tunstell.

Chapter 3 - Dimple Objection

So Aleixa and her husband Connal Maccon stir post-colitis where they actually do some talking but with little of that bullshit sparring they do. I WILL TAKE CLUNKY EXPOSITION OVER SNIPPY FLIRTING ANY DAY! I could do without Maccon referring to Alexia as “Woman” and “Wife” but I think that’s just something that irrationally bugs me.  They get to talking about the humanization problem.  Maccon talks about how werewolves used to rule Egypt but then a ~plague~ came through that killed most of them, and that this plague still shows up now and again.  

Alexia admits that during her research, she didn’t bother to read any of her father’s books on Egypt because Greek and Roman books are much more interesting to her.

Damn I wish I could read books I found cool for my job, instead of actual relevant research.

In fact it borders on racist when she says direct quote:

“Alexia had always been more interested in the classical world.  There was something unfortunately fierce and passionate about the Nile and its environs.  She was much too practical for Arabic with its flowery scrawl when Latin, with all its mathematic precision, made for such an attractive alternative.”

Yeah Egypt, one of the birthplaces of tedious bureaucracy is way fiercer than the Greek city states like yanno Sparta constantly waging war with one another.  Or like the Romans who like never fought nobody.  Also Latin ALWAYS MAKES SENSE as a language and the Arabic people never were very math-orientated, R16H7?

Stop pretending you know anything about actual history you bigoted dolt!

So they fuck again in another fade to black sequence.

Alexia wakes up again to find that her husband is gone without saying anything AGAIN! He was engaging in this bullshit writing technique before you married him girl, I don’t know whats to tells ya.

She goes down for supper (she lives on a nightly schedule cause werewolves I guess) and some of Maccon’s brigade is there.  She has to squeeze and squeeze to get anything out of Lyall, and Lyall acts like it’s SUCH A BOTHER to have to explain to Alexia that her husband pissed off to some other vague place on some urgent matters.  He just says southern Scotland and gives no context and that’s fine? Alexia thinks it has to do with her bringing up that Alpha werewolf who died mysteriously.  So now we have to have oh so sextacular Channing pout that Maccon’s not there. And every single time he’s brought up they have to shoehorn in some horseshit about how he’s just the most fuckable.  I.E

“Major Channing’s pretty mouth twisted at that.”

Though at some point Major Channing says the ~incident with the boat~ that brought them back is that apparently AROUND EGYPT his whole crew had their supernatural abilities sapped for several days, and while their powers returned they came back anyway cause that shit shady.

Oh golly, if only Alexia had questioned any single fucking military person BESIDES THE FUCKING HEAD OF IT she would have found that out.  GREAT!

After dinner she’s fussing with her hair and one of Maccon’s servant ghosts shows up. The ghost says that her husband left her a message to go to a hat shop in London cause like it’ll advance the plot nudge nudge.

Like what’s the fucking point of having everything so infuriatingly vague?  There better be a serious plot point later about a person working at their house who’s a traitor and that’s why they can’t fucking tell any whole truths to one another. But I highly doubt that’s going to be the case.

Since it’s a hat shop, and her friend Ivy always wears ugly hats, she decides to invite her friend out hat shopping.

Ivy is moping that she didn’t get enough visitors congratulating her on her engagement. Only 25 people came over! The other girl had 27 visitors!  This is framed as Ivy being an irritating attention whore.  But like Alexia you can’t fucking judge that shit. In the last book outright stated that your wedding was a masterpiece of social engineering, and that your dress changed the course of English fashion. It might as well ended with ALL THE HOT WEREWOLF MEN ALSO PROPOSED TO HER ON HER WEDDING, AND THEY HAD TO DIG A TRENCH TO REDIRECT ALL THE JEALOUSY TEARS FROM ALL THE LADIES WHO COULD JUST NEVER HOPE TO BE AS COOL AND HOT AND PERFECT AS HER!  If you only had 25 visitors Alexia you would be throwing a tantrum instead of quietly pouting like Ivy. Therefore Ivy is a saint in comparison.

SIGH!

So they go out to the hat shop and just as Ivy is about to pick up the ugliest hat, they are interrupted by Madame LeFoux.  I know this will somehow be ruined at some point but like I’m pretty sure Madame LeFoux is...well me.

She’s described as a woman who dresses masculine, but does not hide her figure, her hair is brown and cut short and boyish, she has cute dimples when she smiles, but the most obvious tell is that Alexia describes her, “Probably the most beautiful female she had ever seen.”                        

(A gif of spongebob riding a seahorse, with a glamrous wig blowing behind him. The tagline reads, “Bitch, I’m flawless.”)

Okay, okay she doesn’t look exactly like me.  She’s also supposed to have a small mouth, green eyes, and big old cheekbones and I don’t have those. Kudos for actually describing what the hot people look like in your story.  So I suppose I’ll set aside my vanity, and simply consider this one the new and improved MacDougall until proven otherwise. I have one weird caveat to this. When she says that LeFoux has dimples she makes a special note that, “Normally Alexia objected to dimples, but they seemed to suit this woman.”

(Gif of a spit-take.)

I’m sorry but THE FUCK?

SURE THE DEFENDANT HAS A ROCK-HARD ALIBI, BUT THEY HAVE A PHYSICAL FEATURE TYPICALLY CONSIDERED CHARMING AND ADORABLE! I REST MY CASE!

Does she think they’re too ~PRECIOUS~ or something? WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH DIMPLES!?

But, she doesn’t elaborate of course and it’s pretty obvious the author is into them with how frequently she brings them up.  LeFoux tries to convince Ivy to pick out another hat, and Alexia notices there appears to be some kind of lever underneath the ugly hat that Ivy was eyeing up.  There are other signs of like movable bookcases, and trapdoors and shit.  So she kinda says this shit under the radar to LeFoux and LeFoux, under the radar confirms there’s something ELSE at this place.  LeFoux also correctly guesses that she is speaking to, the one, the only, Lady Maccon.

And at that moment, BLAMO! AN EXPLOSION! A CLIFF-HANGER OH BOY!

Say something nice faps:

This book has like the 1st scene where Maccon and Alexia are like…humans with each other.  They snuggle and don’t verbally spar.  They just talk about exposition and work.  Alexia makes a sassy comment about someone they mutually know and Maccon remarks that she’s great at improving his mood.  Like a normal sweet couple!

Despite the author’s propensity for the sexy male leads to be temperamental idiots, she’s not above making fun of them and makes jokes at Channing’s expense.

We get some intrigue. I guess.

LeFoux is super-hot, and I actually think she won’t be directly demonized in order to intrigue the female readers who are less than 100% hetero. Like I kinda hope she doesn’t just hit on Alexia all the time, cause everybody does that anyway. Like I kinda want LeFoux to flirt with Ivy, who gets flummoxed but is into it.

[titleleaf]

Okay, for the 'which horror monsters would I fuck' thing: Would you fuck the classic Universal monsters (Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolf-Man, etc.), and would you fuck the Hammer Horror monsters (which for the most part are AU versions of the Universal ones, but still)?

Dracula: Would fuck with reservations

Wolf Man: Would fuck, no reservations

Henry Frankenstein: Colin Clive has loads of sex appeal all disheveled and haunted, so yes.

The Creature: hell no! The novel’s Creature seems to be pretty capable and eloquent but I feel like that would be a big ethical violation for the movie’s creature who’s just learning his way around the world and language and stuff.

Would I fuck the tiny Henry VIII who Pretorius keeps in a jar? No, he’s much too little.

The Mummy: eeeeh?

The Phantom of the Opera: WOULD FUCK WOULD FUCK

The Invisible Man: It would be too weird, I’m sorry.

Gill Man: I’d be open to it.

The ultimate Universal fuckable is the 2010 Wolfman reboot with Benicio Del Toro. He’s really ludicrously handsome and tragic. After him is Dr. Pretorius but if you fucked him he’d dissolve into musty dust. He’d break a hip and blame you.

Hammer Dracula: hell ya

Hammer Frankenstein: nope and nope

Hammer Mummy: nopeeee

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is kind of a sexy concept though, sorry folks. I’d rail Captain Kronos, and Carmilla is of course very appealing. Emil from Vampire Circus is cute.