#honestly dating apps in general suck

[gregmarriage]

every time i wanna redownload her (the dating app) again, i think abt possibly finding my ex and accidentally swiping right (whichever one is the good one) on her profile and i immediately lose the urge

[inkskinned]

being single in your late 20s & 30s is so fucking wild bc on one hand it's fun and flirty and you skip a lot of the bullshit because you know what you're looking for and you know how to spot a red flag from a mile away and you've learned to set boundaries and communicate your own and be upfront about your needs and most of the time they've learned it too - and if they haven't, you can tell after the second date that they haven't been to therapy

and every time you feel lonely and dried up and an ugly husk there's a whole community of other single people out there who are just as unhinged and want to hang out with you because they just need a plus-one like you do and you get introduced to like. people in their 60's and 70's and 80's who are all like - nope, single life is my choice and i love it and you feel warm and seen and like okay, it's not the end of the world if i'm not seeing anybody. and yeah it's hard and sometimes exhausting but part of getting better is that you do make like so many friends and do so much wild shit because you made a promise to yourself that you'll actually get out there and try shit and actually work on your hobbies and skills and friendships because to be honest in relationships you wouldn't push yourself this hard and it's actually been super rewarding because it came from you and from what you wanted

and yes of course the apps such and dating in general can suck but after one of the bad dates you go back to your apartment and call up those friends you made and make jokes about what the other person said and it rolls right off your back and you have plans for self-care in the morning. you prioritize yourself and your happiness and you really actually don't mind it, a lot of the time, unless it's like at a wedding and they're doing one of those couples-related things. most of the time it's not even a problem except when you can tell people pity you for it and you're like - i'm actually fine, babe, even without a partner i am still, like a person and yes of course it would be nice to have a partner but you have established yourself as a person and as an adult in a way that feels really hard-won and well-earned and you're protective of that and of the life you're living and honestly you're pretty happy, all things considered

and at the same time you do have to tell your father that you are single on purpose right now and that, yes, believe it or not, they're letting women be single past the age of 30 these days without burning us at the stake (can you imagine!) and you have to kind of sit pretty while people make jokes about how you're losing your marriageability and you're like, a little too old for the bars and the clubs and whatever but you do still want to go out dancing and it's like. the other day you went to a board game party and had the time of your life and then your mom calls you and says she's worried because what if you never find the one, shouldn't you be spending more time looking? and you're like - trying to balance this place where you're actually, like, perfectly okay? except you hear this thing over and over and over - oh no. that's so sad. i hope you find your lover. and you weren't really upset about it until someone suggested that you're running out of time and until someone said that it's so miserable that you live without someone to kiss and you're like why can't anyone believe that i'm genuinely happy. like. joy. like. bliss.

and then they look at you and they look at their partner and the look passes between them that says - poor thing. you're just lying to yourself about this.

[outofconcheol]

Sign Here For... (HJS x F!Reader)

pairing: delivery boy!Jisung x afab!reader genres/au/rating: crack, smut, fluff, one night stand au, 18+ summary: Feeling frustrated and reeling from your recent breakup, you put in a special order on your favorite delivery app. However, with the goods, comes Jisung, who's a lot more than you'd ever bargained for.

word count: 4.0k

warnings: past relationship and referenced breakup (Minho x reader), regrettable decisions are made, Jisung and reader are both so very shy and cute but also bold, lots of innuendos, alcohol use, swearing, some little thoughts of self-doubt, Jisung's black nail polish, unexpected feels, smut warnings: nsfw thoughts, sex toys, making out, nipple play, fingering (f receiving), oral (m and f receiving), unprotected sex (the pull-out method)

a/n: djsksk what is this?? except the unhinged product of both my imagination and my infatuation with Han Jisung. this is my first time writing a fic for anybody besides bts, so I'm super nervous about this. Special thanks to Miss Emme (@temptaetions) for informing me that Dashmart, of all places, sells sex toys which then became the impetus for whatever kind of delusional thing this is. i hope you enjoy, and please be nice!

This had the potential to be a bad idea. A very bad idea. Rubbing at your eyes, you glare at your phone screen in the dark, legs tucked underneath you on the couch. If this backfired, maybe you could blame the blue light. Your psych professor in college had always loved to mumble about how cell phones were killing the younger generations’ brain cells. 

Or, you could blame the fact that you’d shown up to Chan’s party last night, determined to have a good time after months of moping over your breakup, only to find your ex, Minho, sucking face with a new girl. Yeah. You could definitely blame it on that.

It wasn’t like you didn’t expect him to move on — it was just that you also expected yourself to have. Minho had been your first and only relationship, lasting through all of college and beyond before you’d broken up, deciding your lives were heading in different directions.

Honestly, you hadn’t been upset until the party last night. You’d accepted the breakup, growing pains were inevitable when you’d gotten together so young. But the fact that he’d moved on this quickly and you hadn’t stung.

Not to mention you were horny. Four years with Minho and then just like that, it all stopped. All you wanted was to get laid again. Unfortunately, after a disastrous drunken encounter on a dating app with a physical therapy student named Changbin, in which he’d fallen asleep before you’d even done the deed, you decided that it might have been too soon, and to take a step back.

But you were human, and if devoting your college years to studying the human psyche had taught you anything, it was that humans were needy. Very needy. For food, for shelter, for company. Which is why you were surprised at how the human race hadn’t crumbled already, given the rate of break-ups and divorces occurring these days. The problem was, that despite being needy, humans were also overthinkers.

So you’d spent a week pondering over what you were about to do, rationalizing every aspect of it in your brain - the pros, the cons, the consequences. And had almost talked yourself out of it when running into Minho tonight had been the catalyst for driving your decision the other way completely.

All you wanted was to hop onto your favorite delivery app, ready to wallow in pity over some ice cream and chips, and maybe Pride and Prejudice (2005), but then you’d seen it. 

It seemed delivery apps were becoming more and more full service these days. Because right there, past the Doritos and the body wash, were sex toys. 

You feel your throat go dry and eyes widen as they flash across the screen - all different sizes, shapes, and colours. There was more variety than you expected.

Immediately, you groan at yourself. More variety than you expected? Who expected to see sex toys on a delivery app anyway? The drought must finally have been getting to your brain.

Throwing your phone aside, you groan, trying to ignore the throbbing at your temple and in between your thighs. Maybe it was time to go out and find someone – maybe your self-imposed celibacy was driving you stir-crazy. It wouldn’t be so crazy to check out Minho’s Instagram, and see how he was doing…

“Get it together!” you mumble to yourself, pinching your arm. You were not going to stoop to the level of texting your ex. However, you were going to stoop to a different level entirely. You wipe your clammy palms on your thighs, picking your phone back up and clicking on a pink one quickly, immediately scrolling down to avoid dealing with the consequences of your transgression.

A few minutes later, you’ve managed to fill the cart with a dozen different snacks…and well… the other thing. It taunts you as you check out, and you focus your mind elsewhere, like the berry cheesecake ice cream you’d ordered. This was just another form of self-care, right?

You can feel the blood rushing in your ears and a bead of sweat trickles down your back, and you make the decision to hop into the shower while you waited. Sighing, you push yourself to stop being the overthinker you’d always been. Whoever was in charge of it would just put it at the door and then leave. It was none of their business, right?

Jisung really wasn’t a judgemental person. He knew people went through so much in their lives, which is why he never questioned orders with enough food for twelve people, only for one person to show up at the door. Or when someone ordered just yogurt and Tide Pods. People tended to forget things. Or they wanted to enjoy things. And who was he to stop them?

But right now, he was conflicted. He’d thought nothing of the order he’d just gotten, clicking accept on his delivery app, but then he’d done a double take when he actually saw what he’d had to pick up. Chugging along to the store on his red bicycle, he heaves for breath, trying to calm the racing in his heart.

You had to be joking right? Maybe you’d clicked it by mistake. He was more than used to his fair share of strange requests, but delivering a vibrator to someone’s doorstep was a new one. For a second, he’d thought about calling to confirm that you’d actually meant to order it, along with a mountain of snacks, but pushed the thought away immediately. That would only make things more awkward.

He wondered what could have possessed you to do something so impulsive. But then a lightbulb went off in his head. People tended to make rash decisions when they were going through a tough time — like a breakup. And suddenly, it all made sense to Jisung.

And being the empathetic person he was, his heart twinged for your sadness. You must have been really lonely. He wondered who could have broken up with you to make you so upset - from what he saw from your snack choices, you already had impeccable taste and he liked you. So he’d make sure you got your things safely.

Pulling up to the store, Jisung parks his bike away safely, the bell above the door signaling his entrance. The store clerk takes one look at him in his snapback with the app’s logo on it, and can barely hold back a smirk. Jisung feels his cheeks heat up… this wasn’t even his stuff, why was he feeling self-conscious?

“I’m uh, here for, —” he chokes out, feeling his throat close up, unable to get the words out. “Yeah.”

“Here you go,” the store clerk pushes the bag his way, unable to hold back their laughter, and Jisung feels a flash of anger go through him. Yeah, it was odd, but there was no reason to be so judgemental about it. “I hope whoever it is enjoys themselves.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure they do,” he blurts out, watching the clerk’s eyes widen before he realizes what he’d just said. “I-, I mean I’ll make sure they get it, you know?”

He decides it’s time to leave before he does something even more stupid, slapping his palm against his forehead while he rushes out. What was it about this specific time that had him so flustered?

Actually, he knows what it was. He’d taken one look at the pink vibrator nestled away in its packaging, and thoughts of what would happen to it after he’d left it at your door raced through him. Rubbing a hand at the back of his neck, he wipes away the sweat that collects at his nape, taking a few deep breaths before hopping back on his bike.

Looking at the map, your apartment was only a couple of blocks away. He had to get it together before then.

Shaking out your wet hair, you slip your oversized t-shirt on, pulling up your fluffy socks, only to be interrupted by a knock at the door. That couldn’t be what you thought it was. You decide to wait a few minutes to see if they knock again, and sure enough, they do.

You huff, looking down at your app. You’re pretty sure you’d clicked “leave at front”. But whoever “Jisung” was, he clearly didn’t get the memo, knuckles continuing to rap at your door. 

“Helloooo,” his voice calls out, laced with genuine concern. “Is anyone there?”

Filled with annoyance, you stomp over to the door, pulling it open, ready to give this guy a piece of your mind when—,

Oh. Oh.

Big, brown doe eyes look at you from the other end, glassy and filled with sparkles, and your mind immediately goes blank, forgetting what you were so upset about. You stay there, lips parted, taking in every detail of the handsome stranger currently at your door, from his longish hair that falls in his eyes underneath his snapback, to the black painted fingernails on his slender hands. 

The two of you remained locked in a stare for a few moments, Jisung unable to take his eyes off you either, and that’s when it registers that you’re only wearing a t-shirt and socks. You have the urge to slam the door in his face and scream from embarrassment, but then you wouldn’t be able to see his pretty face. 

Jisung lets out a strangled sound, somewhere in between choking and a cough, hitting his chest in order to get the words out.

“Hi, I’m here with your order,” his voice cracks when he presents the bag full of things, the pink vibrator lying right on top 

Your lips remain parted in an “o”, unable to say anything, eyes flitting in between your order and the cute delivery boy at your door. Eventually, you realize you should do something. Just maybe. So he doesn’t think you’re weird.

“I, uh, thank you, uhm, Jisung was it?” you watch his eyes widen at your acknowledgement, a smile lighting up his face. And it has your heart doing backflips. 

“No problem, I hope you enjoy it!” Jisung responds enthusiastically, his ears reddening when he realizes what he’d just said.

Time seems to stand still when you accept the bag, watching him zip up his backpack and put on his jacket, those black nails taunting you. For a moment you imagine what they’d feel like inside of —

“Do you wanna come inside?” The words tumble from your lips before you can stop them, and Jisung freezes. You swear you hear him curse underneath his breath.

This was insane. Probably the most insane thing you’d done since breaking up with Minho. But he gave you butterflies in a way that no one had for a long time, and maybe, just maybe, this was a sign from the universe to take a risk. One more time. 

“Jisung,” you repeat slowly, and he finally looks up at you, checking over his shoulder to see if you’re talking to him. “Do you want to come inside?”

He shrugs his jacket off, letting his backpack slip off until it’s hanging off one shoulder before he nods, unable to take his eyes off you standing on the other side of the threshold.

“I’d love to.”

Jisung feels like he’s going to pass out, wondering if he was having an out-of-body experience. Not only did he deliver his first sex toy today, but of course it had to be to one of the hottest girls he’d ever seen. None of it seemed real, as he followed you into your cosy apartment, filled with fairy lights and soft cushions.

A troublesome thought crosses his mind as he slips off his jacket and shoes, when he thinks back to how maybe you’d been going through a break-up. You inviting him in only served to strengthen that suspicion in his mind, but you’d been nothing but nice, just as shy and nervous at he’d felt. Whatever this was, Jisung was down for it, whether you just needed someone to talk to or — he thinks back to the pink vibrator. 

Perhaps it was better not to get ahead of himself.

“Make yourself comfortable,” your soft voice echoes from the kitchen. He can hear you rustling around in there, putting away your things, and it makes him even more flustered. He looks around for anything to distract him from his racing mind, settling on a few photo frames of you and another guy, posing with three cats.

“I should probably take those down,” you surprise him again, coming up from behind and setting down some of the snacks you’d gotten and a few bottles of soju. “I haven’t really had anyone over here since the breakup.”

He was honestly shocked you were still on the rebound from your last relationship, given that you were — well you. If he’d known you then, heartbreak wouldn’t even have been a word in your vocabulary.

“It wasn’t horrible, if that’s what you’re wondering,” you reassure him, seeing a cute frown cross his face. “Minho was my first for a lot of things, but eventually you realize not everything is meant to last forever.”

“Is that why you, uh, you needed the things today?” Jisung chokes on sip of soju, hoping the sharp liquid can make him a little less awkward. From the way you fidget with your hair, he realizes it’s not helping at all on that front.

“Enough about me,” you take another swig, a bit of soju dribbling down your chin, and Jisung fights the urge to reach over and wipe it off. But then he’d be too close.

Jisung is a natural talker, opening up easily about himself and his life, from his own cute puppy to his friend group. Through the course of the conversation, he realizes that you’re older than him, but it doesn’t bother him. Something about the earnestness in your eyes makes him feel comfortable. It doesn’t help that you’re stunning under the dim lights, your damp skin shining and lips twisting into an adorable grin while you listen to him talk.

He wonders if he’s being a bit too forward, unable to keep his eyes off them while he goes on, but if you notice, you don’t say anything.

Half an hour later, and the distance between the two of you on the couch is completely non-existent, your thighs pressed up against Jisung’s while you giggle at his Doraemon impression. 

He knows he’s probably a little tipsy, both of you are, but that doesn’t stop shock from registering when you pick up his hands, intertwining your fingers to marvel at his nail polish.

You bring them close to you, and even though he’s not touching you, he can swear he feels the thud of your heartbeat underneath your shirt.

“Do you like them?” his voice is gravelly as he asks the question, the soju making him feel like he’s floating. 

“I do,” you stutter out. “They look really fucking good, I want them to, I-I mean I want some like them, shit–”

Another giggle bubbles from your lips and Jisung thinks he’s going to lose his mind, watching your eyes grow heavy-lidded, still clutching his hands in yours. The two of you are impossibly close now, any more and you’d be on top of him, but maybe he wants that. Maybe you want it too. 

You squeak when he pulls you on top of him, the haze clearing momentarily when he feels your legs straddle him, clutching onto his shirt to avoid falling over completely. Jisung grips your thighs to hold you steady, and your stomach swims at his proximity. Looking into your eyes, he sees your pupils go dark, your throat bobbing while the two of you remain frozen, contemplating your next move. 

He watches you suck in a breath, breaking eye contact to look over at the photo frames on your shelf, sadness flashing in your eyes. It stirs something within him, and he stops you midway, cupping your chin in his hands and tilting your head back towards him.

“Can I kiss you?” His voice is lower than he’s ever heard it, desire seeping into every crevice, and he sees you give a little nod before you’re leaning in, crashing your lips onto his. 

Jisung stifles a groan, melting into the kiss, your soft, slightly chapped lips adding to the fire that fuels in between you. A whine escapes the back of your throat, your nails raking through the hair at the nape of his neck, pulling him into you. He traces the inside of your mouth, pressing you down onto his thighs, shocked to find wetness leaking onto his jeans. 

You pull away with a flush, realization dawning on your face. Chewing your lower lip, you give him an apologetic look.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I forgot I wasn’t wearing anything underneath…”

Jisung pulls you back into him, nipping at your bottom lip, before he’s pulling away again, his warm breath fanning into your neck.

“You don’t have to apologize baby,” he voice makes you shiver. “I came here for you after all.”

The two of you stumble back into your bedroom, lips clashing desperately, and you tug at the hem of Jisung’s shirt. He breaks away from your lips to allow you a small bit of focus, but it’s gone in seconds when he eyes your neck, pressing small kisses along its length, pausing to graze his teeth in a few spots. 

You flutter your eyelashes against Jisung’s temple, finally grabbing hold of his shirt and slipping it over his head. You pause, taking him in, running your knuckles along his sides, and he shivers. 

Jisung doesn’t even wait for you to finish undressing him, pushing you back onto your bed softly, watching the way your oversized t-shirt hikes up, exposing more and more of your body to him. 

You feel your stomach fall into knots at the appreciative look in his eyes. It’d been so long since someone had looked at you like that, and you feel like you could explode from that alone. You cling onto his biceps, giving them a squeeze, and he moves quickly, pulling you flush against him so he can grab your shirt and tear it off. 

Shoving you against him, he mouths at your jaw, tugging your hair so you arch up into him, grinding against the rough denim of his jeans. You collapse into a series of moans and sighs, rutting against him while Jisung continues to work you over, moving down to your neck, before he thumbs at your breasts.

The first swipe of his thumb against your nipple has you keening, throbbing with need until —

Jisung pins you in place, lifting his body slightly so you’re no longer touching. He toys with your nipple experimentally, giving it a squeeze, and you nearly sob at the contact, wanting to feel him again.

“Had to cut it off or I wouldn’t last,” he rumbles into your ear, stroking the soft skin of your stomach before he dips down in between your thighs, stroking exactly where you need him.

Jisung’s eyes widen in surprise at exactly how wet you seem to be, curiously swiping up and down before he plunges a finger in.

“Jisung, please, god, I—” you’re unable to get the words out, tugging at his hair while he fucks you open, your clit throbbing. Your hands roaming underneath the waistband of his pants, pushing at them uselessly, before Jisung pauses. You watch your arousal coat his fingers while he works the button open, finally pulling them off. 

Closing your eyes, you ready to finally feel him, but like everything else today, Jisung is full of surprises, kneeling until he’s face first with you, exposed and open for him. The first press of his tongue against you has you bucking up into him, and you feel him smirk, his other hand reaching to press on your neck.

Your eyes flutter, your entire focus narrowing to where Jisung sucks on your clit, and then you’re breaking, nearly flying off the sheets as your thighs clamp around his head, both of you unable to contain your moans. 

Jisung looks down at you, his lips swollen and messy with you on them, and you watch him study you, flushed and fucked out underneath him.

“Hey,” he says softly, brushing away the hair that’s fallen on your face. “You okay still?”

“Better than okay,” you mumble through your lips, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. It’s too soft a gesture for what this was supposed to be, but Jisung melts into it anyway, reveling in the quiet moment. 

“Keep going please?” you breathe into his neck. There’s barely a moment to think before Jisung’s hands are on your ass again, pushing you up into him so he can line himself up with your entrance. Without warning, he slides in, bottoming out harshly, and you dig your nails into his back.

You open up wider, letting him grab your leg and rest it on his shoulder, and his arm braces itself around your waist, lifting you up so he can find your lips again, tongue catching all the sounds that fall out of you. 

His hands roam all over you, like he can’t get enough of your body. Jisung’s sweat soaked bangs are messy as he throws his head back, thrusts getting sloppier and sloppier, and you know he’s close. 

“Fuck,” he groans, rubbing tight circles on your clit, until you feel yourself snap, gushing around him. “Where can I–”

Your hand rests on his jaw, rubbing small circles into it, and you’re pushing him back, watching his eyes widen in shock as you lower, taking him in between your lips. Jisung makes a strangled noise when he feels himself hit the back of your throat, twitching once before spilling into you. 

The two of you fall into each other, heavy breaths mingling, and Jisung buries his head into the crook of your neck. You feel him smile against you, and your own soft smile lights up your face, the both of you falling asleep holding each other.

It must be the middle of the night before you muster up the energy to move, cleaning yourself off and changing into a comfy shirt and sweatpants. Behind you, Jisung is still dozing off, his face even softer in sleep than it was awake, and you stroke his cheek.

Feeling bad, you slip out, deciding to make him a cup of coffee. There’s a pang in your heart when you realize that he has to leave after this, that the two of you made no promises to each other. Every muscle in your body is aching as you hunch over the boiling coffee pot, begging you to ask him to stay. 

From the corner of your eye, you spot the pink vibrator sitting on the counter, still in its packaging, and you chuckle, realizing you’d never got a chance to put it away.

“I hope you’re not thinking of using that without me,” you jump in shock at Jisung’s voice, turning around to see him grinning at you, hair mussed and clothes rumpled. 

“Oh god, Jisung, I’m so sorry, your job, I didn’t even realize,” panic sets in as you try to make an excuse, guilt filling your chest for dragging him into your heartbreak.

“___,” he comes up to you, wrapping you in a hug from behind, his head resting on your shoulder. “Believe me, I wouldn’t have stayed unless I wanted to. And I wanted to.”

“Really?” you breathe out, unable to believe he’s actually saying this. “Why?”

You can’t stop your voice from cracking, the doubt creeping in again when you thought about how things had been good with Minho, and yet they hadn’t lasted, believing that someway, somehow, it was your fault. That you hadn’t been enough.

Jisung chuckles into your neck, pressing a kiss onto your cheek. 

“You’re so cute. I wanna be here for you, in whatever way you need. If that wasn’t evidence enough, I’m kinda into you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

You feel your heart explode at his self-assuredness, finding comfort in his presence. When the morning came you knew he’d have to go, but maybe, just maybe, you’d let yourself be needy again. Especially when it worked out so well the last time.

a/n pt. 2: As always, any comments or feedback are much appreciated, but I appreciate you all anyway. Lots of love, Isi <3

[soobnny]

SUE’S ENHYPEN FIC RECS

this obviously isn’t complete but these struck out to me a lot while i was making this list! i’ll update this or maybe make another one with additional fic recs when i find the time :)

☆ heeseung

familiar stranger — @bambisgirl

i rly liked the plot for this one. i found it funny the whole wanting him to take a picture of U, not like .. taking a pic together :( i just think that’s a rly charming point of the fic n i enjoyed following the scenario n just seeing how the both of them r reacting to the situation

we’re dating! (not really) — @jayflrt

one of my fav tropes ever. and one of my fav fics on here too! it’s just written so adorably and idk i love this so much. do u see like to the point i’m actually SPEECHLESS. just read this for a fun time n if u want to be smiling from ear to ear the whooooole time 🤭

☆ sunghoon

for the first time — @yaehao

perhaps my most favorite sunghoon fic (maybe even favorite fic in general) on tumblr. u do not understand how this story made me feel + i think it’s one of the reasons i got into writing for enhypen in the first place. it honestly expanded my passion for writing becos i wanted to be as good as op one day

12:08 pm | sticky notes — @luv4jun

this one’s a short read but it did stick out to me while i was reading it. honestly felt so realistic? everything felt vivid and real to me like it’s so sweet and it’s such a perfect read to remember before going to sleep

man of the hour — @sung5oon

i am a big actor!sunghoon enthusiast so this fed me WELL. fueled my silly little brain and i just … i love this. i love the trope and the au it’s playing in like !! i wish there was more actor!enha writings :”) i love it! definitely should read this one!

☆ jay

crushes & crashes — @restlessmaknae

this was such a good read. i remember just having the time of my life when i was reading this and just having a smile on my face the whole time :)

falling for you, i can’t keep you away — @ddeonuism

i just love hogwarts and harry potter au cos it’s the first book series i’ve ever read so anything in this alternate universe will make me scream. even more when it’s friends to lovers.

☆ jake

to all my firsts with you — @jayflrt

the silly thing is i have not read this fic yet but i KNOW it’s good. my friend recommended it to me and i enjoyed another fic written by op n love the way everything is written so i know this one’s golden too!

☆ sunoo

i’m gonna be real. i do not see much written for sunoo >:( let me know if u have a good fic rec aaaa i’d love to read more for him truly.

☆ jungwon

6:43 am — @iovnyu

this one fueled my daydreaming. u don’t understand how short and sweet this was like i could read it over and over again esp when i need a smile! will never fail to make u giggle

unrequited — @enhas-bestie

i honestly love how real this one felt. it’s the type that leaves your heart feeling heavy which is always a good feature when you’re reading angst!

lost cause — @yeongwonie

one of my most favorite jungwon fics of all time. it was written so beautifully and the flow is so easy to follow. just everything about this fic screams beauty and the plot is honestly just .. it’s so fun to read n just aaaaa. i can’t even express how much i love this fic

closer — @palajae

i read this one slowly becos i wanted to cherish every single moment and scene in the fic. this was one of the cutest things ive ever read like actual tooth-aching fluff. i remember just going back to this a lot and rereading it becos it gave me a new feeling every time i read it again.

blue birthday — @amakumos

drum roll please to my favorite jungwon fic on this app. i will never shut up about blue birthday and i will never stop coming back to this fic. the plot was something i’ve never read before and i just .. find myself rooting for everyone in the fic. it’s crazy how much i love this fic (btw this will be dethroned by kiss and cry also by yun i am gonna add it here as soon as it is released)

☆ ni-ki

sucks to be you, sleepyhead — @cloudninescenes

let’s talk about this one. the characterization and the flow of the story is so so pretty. i smiled the whole time with this one too :( i just love how riki is the teasing but down bad type. i love that trope so much. i cannot stress enough how much i enjoyed the plot too

lucky charm — @amakumos

one of my favorite — if not even my favorite ni-ki fic on here. i was giggling and laughing multiple times. honestly, you can count on yun for writing something you’ve never read before. her writing will always be my favorite. i remember talking about the original story with yun for this one so i feel #special

20th century girl — @delcakoo

guys i’m sorry but i was just giggling like a little school girl the whole time i was reading this. the characterization fits him SO much like i can imagine it so vividly and so clearly. like this is riki u are so right. and JUST!!! just read it and u will understand why i love it so much 🫶 i cannot wait to read the rest of op’s works when i have the time!

[kleefkruid]

Hi,

If it's not too personal to ask how do you manage so many friends and relationships as an autistic person, quite frankly I'm in awe and want to know your secrets because I suck at it badly and I'm quite lonely.

Hi anon! I actually don't have too big of a social circle. Well in the eyes of the average person who does not have social issues. But while I don't have data on the amount of friends autistic people have, I think we can safely assume it tends to be lower than the average.

But that wasn't the question, so I'm gonna break down where my relationships (general) come from, from obvious to more complicated.

Firstly I have a pretty good relationship with my family. So, I'm often out and about with my mum, and when I get too lonely I can call her so she's kinda the baseline. I also do trips with my step-sister. We did not grow up together (8 year age gap, I was out of the house when she arrived) but we have a lot in common and do art shows together, free friend.

Secondly, dating. I'm better at dating than making friends tbh. I use dating apps, always. Here I honestly have the advantage that I have a pretty agreeable face. It's a pretty basic maths game. I'm thin, I have red hair, I dress fairly feminine, I get responses. However personality wise I'm very authentic on there so a lot of these conversations end pretty fast haha. But because I have a pretty high first response rate, I also get the people who like it when you're a bit odd. I always try to keep the talking online part pretty short.

Thirdly, the first way I make friends is mooching off my family and friends. This is a time honoured practice amongst autistics. As a young child I would get put in the same hobbies as my cousins, and so when the friends from our hobby invited my cousin somewhere, they kinda had to ask me too. As an adult you can pretty much do the same thing, although it's pretty much more accepted now, most notably in the concept of bringing around a partner. Most people I've met the past year have been trough my partner. I met their housemates by well, being in the house, I've met their colleagues in the tattooshop, I've met other friends and I've also just met a lot of their aquintances. Because they do tattoo events, in a pub for instance, and I helped, the people in this pub know me now too. The first time I'm just 'some date' helping out. But now they know me as a seperate person. I can run into these people and have a talk with them. My partners best friend liked my badges, and I said she could try making some if she wanted. So we did that. I would not know any of these people without my partner. Some of them will always be my partners friend first, but there are some of their aquintances I know better now, because I ran into them more often, or we had something in common my partner doesn't.

The fourth part is the difficult one. That's just straight up talking to new people without any mediator. Generally this is easiest done where nobody else knows each other either. For instance when you start a new degree, everyone is generally pretty open to talking to new people because well, everyone is new. Some people might already be paired up but they generally want to know more people. I started a degree this year. So I've been talking to new people there. Some people made it easy, like a guy who went round asking everyones phone numbers to start a class whatsapp. Besides that it's just the classic kinda forced ways, like when you're both clearly walking into the same direction and you already know this person is in your class but you still go "hey, you're also in (class) right? Good, I'm going the right direction then!" it's all scripts too honestly, we're not the only ones that resort to those. Outside classic settings like a new school it's a bit more complicated, but the art is figuring out when people do like to have a new conversation. For instance today I did an art market again. You're put next to random people, and you're there for hours. No matter how good the day goes, there are boring bits. When people are insanely bored, they're pretty happy to talk, espectially about their passions. So I'll ask how their sales are going, which immediately turns into a conversation about their work. I also will ask them to watch my stuff while I go to the toilet, and then tell them I don't mind doing the same for them. People seem to prefer that order over me just going "hey I can watch your stuff," they'll accept my help when they've already helped me.

You probably notice this is a lot of analysing. I do that a lot. I see what other people say to initiate conversations, make note, and try the same sentence later. It's not like masking bc I'm still being myself, but I'm utulising other peoples social skills just like you'd use cooking techniques you've observed. If you bake a succesful cake you're not fake baking, and if you make a genuine fun social connection it's not masking either. My partner is very good at talking to new people bc their job is to make people comfortable before stabbing them with many tiny needles. So I've been learning a lot from them. I have another friend who will not initiate so many conversations, but who is very chill and just inviting like that. I also try to take from that.

I also try to keep a lot of tiny little doors open. If someone is interested in a material I use, I'll go "if you want the link, message me sometime, here's my instagram. Offering to make buttons with my partners friend is also an open door. I didn't say "we should do that" I went "If you want to try sometime, I can send you the template, just let me know!" and they did come back to it. Often people don't, but often they do. Because I left an open invitation. When I post an event I'm doing or Danny is doing on here, that's also an open door. Much more general and less people will respond to that bc it's general, but some people do!

This is very specific to my situation, but it is a breakdown of what I do! Today on an art market I ran into some friends of my sister. I ran into 2 people I had a conversation with after one got a little tattoo at Danny's event. I also talked to my neighbors at the table. I talked to someone I previously bought art from. Yesterday I was out with my dad I ran into a friend of my mums, and a girl who got a tattoo last time at the pub event. It's all tiny networks. All these people (except my mums friend) I've met in the past year and a half. Just continuously going out. Sometimes trough people, sometimes by doing things on my own, like the art market, or school.

and yes doing this is all still stressful haha, I was diagnosed with social phobia only 3 years back. It's constant exposure therapy. I still go "oh why did I say that" multiple times a day. but yet people do want to hang out with me. Not all as intensely, but enough to have fun and not be lonely every day. Still some days, but always getting better.

this is a very long answer but you know, the autism is in the details, if I'd say "oh you know I just talk to people" that would be no use :)

[etherrreal]

“would you be mine(craft)?”

Pairing: kenma x gn!reader Genre: fluff, friends to lovers Summary: your dating life sucks, Kenma’s dating life sucks, so what’s there to lose if you just date each other? WC: 1,670 Warnings: N/A A/N: honestly, if one single person asks for it, i’ll write their date just because i love writing for kenma lol -Luna (and here’s part 2 for your convenience~)

You’ve been in this position before: holding the hand of your date as you approach your apartment building, turning to him with a polite smile on your face as you share some general kind words about the night. Then he starts to slowly lean in, head tilting and eyelids falling shut, seeing if you’ll reciprocate the gesture, which you do.

And it's like it always is: he kisses you and you kiss him back. It's fine. It's a perfectly serviceable kiss, and you know that the idea of fireworks and unicorns jumping over rainbows the moment you kiss someone is a fantasy sold to you by Hollywood, but you've definitely had kisses from previous partners—or, hell, even previous breakfast burritos—that sparked more emotion than the one you're engaging in right now.

But that's how you know it's not really fine. And when you pull away and open your eyes again, you muster up the most convincing smile you can while bidding your date goodnight and heading into your apartment building. And as you stare at the bright red number count up, riding the elevator to your floor, you already know that you're not going to be reaching out to plan another date. Instead, you’ll be sending the same very formal text you've sent so many times before about how you enjoyed your time but simply "didn't feel a spark" and you hope he has good luck with his dating life in the future.

And you pray that maybe this time he won't spam you with vulgar texts calling you the worst names possible.

...Maybe you should just start ghosting, instead.

You're on autopilot as you enter your quiet, dark apartment, flicking on the light and kicking off your shoes. You take the back of your hand to wipe your mouth because you can still feel your date’s spit on your lips, and something about it feels invasive. Your purse gets tossed onto the couch, followed by your body, and you're whipping out your phone to copy and paste the classic rejection text you now have saved in your notes app for your convenience. It's quite sad, if you think about it, but that's why you try not to.

The ink hasn't even dried yet, so to speak, before you call your best friend Aina to update her on the outcome. The line rings only twice before she picks up.

She shoots right out the gate with the important questions. "How’d it go? Is he hot? Is he rich? Tell me everything!"

"It was okay,” you answer, trying –and failing– to keep the sigh out of your voice.

"Yikes. Just 'okay?' That doesn't sound like second date material."

"I just felt like there wasn't any interest from both sides. It kinda felt more like a job interview than a date." You hold the phone against your shoulder as you attempt to toe off your socks and remove your now uncomfortable pants. "I'll give him props for keeping a conversation flowing, though."

"Yeeeeeah, we shouldn't applaud a fish for swimming," she remarks. You let out a laugh, nearly fumbling the phone in your pantsless pursuit. "Did you guys kiss?"

"We did, at the end, after he walked me home, but again, nothing. It was more of a 'last chance to salvage this' kiss than a romantic one." Your phone buzzes against your shoulder and you pull away to check the notification, seeing the dating app symbol at the top of your phone. "I texted him a bit ago telling him it didn't work out, and he just responded, agreeing."

"Well, at least he wasn't rude about it."

"We shouldn't applaud a fish for swimming, remember?" You double-check the time and let out a heavy, exhausted sigh. "Well, I'm going to take a shower and wash my face and scrub my lips."

"It was that bad?"

"No, just... Wet."

"Ew. I'm so sorry. Enjoy your shower, and I'll talk to you later!"

You hang up with a goodbye and manage to peel yourself off the couch, though not without a series of grunts and groans like a middle-aged father. A warm shower sounds like exactly what you need to turn your night around from ‘meh’ to ‘decent.’ 

And a boiling hot, 15-minute shower is what you had. With fresh, cozy pajamas on and lotioned skin, you drag your slippered feet toward the kitchen, feeling a craving for some kind of snack after the average dinner meal you had earlier tonight.

As you stand there with the cupboards open, you glance at the clock on the microwave—still off by an hour from when the time changed—and wonder if anyone’s in the Minecraft realm at the moment. Probably Kenma.

You grab the first bag of chips you see and head to your bedroom, getting comfortable in front of your computer so you can boot up Minecraft. You’re in the game for maybe a minute before you hear the Discord chime, a message waiting for you from Kenma.

ken-ma dick fit in your mouth:: 💻📞🗣️? call me by y/n:: …are you asking me to get in the voice channel?? ken-ma dick fit in your mouth:: 👍 call me by y/n:: bet call me by y/n:: also, whoever changed your username is a funny guy 😉 ken-ma dick fit in your mouth:: 🖕

With an evil chuckle, you pull out your headset and plop it on your head, switching channels and waiting patiently for Kenma to join. Shocking to no one, it takes only a few moments for his name to pop up.

“Yo, what’s up?”

“Hey,” he greets, his character popping up in front of yours and crouching, throwing down bread in front of you. “How’d your date go?” 

“It went absolutely terrible!” You attempt to joke about it, but the bitterness seeps through. “He was an okay dude, but there was absolutely no chemistry, whatsoever. It was like having a meeting with a coworker.” 

“What is that, like, the third failed date this month?” 

“Oh god, please don’t say that out loud. It makes me feel bad,” you say with a lighthearted chuckle. 

“Sorry.”

“Nah, it’s fine. Sometimes I just wonder if it’s me, ya know? Like, am I the problem, or is it the type of guys that I’m going after?” You pause your mining, pondering all the failed dates, and if there’s some kind of common denominator between them all. Or maybe that common denominator is you? 

Kenma makes a noise of disagreement, saying nothing more as he continues breaking down lines of cobbled deep slate, pausing to mumble ‘zombie’ as he shoots him dead, the little jingle of EXP loud in your ears. 

“Anyway, enough about my depressing dating life. How’s yours? Did you end up asking out that one girl you were telling me about?” 

He lets out a heavy sigh. “Yeah. She had a boyfriend.”

“Oof. That had to suck. Sorry, man. Looks like we’re both striking out lately.”

Usually, he’d hum in acknowledgment, like he tends to do when there’s nothing else he can add to the conversation, but still wants you to know you’ve been heard. Instead, you notice there’s an odd silence, like he’s planning on adding something more.

Kenma clears his throat, and you hear him shift his headset. “When I told Kuroo, he said that we should just go out to put each other out of our misery.” 

Of course he did. That seems like a very Kuroo thing to say, but a very weird Kenma thing to relay to you. He’s probably gotten similar comments from his friends—like you have from yours—before, the kind of friends who believe that a woman and a man can’t be friends without wanting to fuck each other, but you wouldn’t know because he’s never cared enough to tell you about it. But he wouldn’t bring it up now if he didn’t think there was some kind of truth to it… Right?

“I… don’t really have anything negative to say about that idea. It wouldn’t be the worst idea he’s had,” you say, although the idea of admitting Kuroo was right makes you a little sick. 

The continued silence is deafening, and it gives you a lot of time and space to think about whether or not you should regret what you just said. The idea of going out with Kenma hasn’t crossed your mind since your friendship began years ago, and even then, it was fleeting. Over time, you’ve built such a strong friendship that you’ve never felt the need to throw in a romantic aspect to the relationship.

And you meant what you said. You don’t object to the idea of dating Kenma. Both your friends and Kenma’s have commented in the past that you’re like the same person. You’ve never fought, and any disagreements that you’ve ever had, non-game related, have been solved so smoothly that you don’t really see them as disagreements at all. The friendship you have is so stable that even if the date were to fail, it’d be incredibly easy and not awkward in the slightest to fall back into your old routine as just buddies. 

Your heart is in your throat when his voice finally breaks the silence. “Okay. How does next Saturday sound?”

“Sounds good to me,” you agree, a smile growing on your face. 

You spend the next few hours gaming, as usual. Neither of you brings up the date again nor makes any kind of sly reference to it, and you both continue speaking like it’s any other night. You can’t help but wonder for a moment if the whole date agreement was just an exhaustion-induced fever dream.

But after you’ve both signed off for the night, you receive a notification for a Google Calendar invite from Kenma titled “Date with Y/N 💐” set for next weekend, and you realize, with sudden butterflies in your stomach, that the whole conversation wasn’t a dream, and you’ll be going out with your best friend next Saturday.

You can hardly wait.

Written by: Luna

feel free to request something or even join our taglist!

[destinyc1020]

Okay!!

I'm the anon who brought up the Jake's Take interview with Z, and here are my personal thoughts. I think the reason why Z is being asked about kissing her costars is because she is dating Tom. I know fans may disagree, but I believe the public interest on them has become so much of their brand, and I can understand why solo fans of each other are frustrated because they just want to support an actor they admire without the stanwars and public obsession. Again, I don't have an issue with them sharing stories of each other, I have issues if it takes away from their work. I feel it more on Tom more so than on Z cause she is in a higher position as she's been working with great visionaries longer.

Tom for the past few yrs has become very polarising for filmbros, critics, and antis because he is dating the it girl of our generation and because his career isn't on par as his peers. The think pieces OK this blog, the hate he gets on socials whether it be that he isn't a filmbro, he doesn't denounce marvel, hes dating Z and was getting mocked due to the challengers trailer and the hate he got from TCR, the controversies he's in has to deal with R+J is partly his own contrinution because he didnt post against the hate for Fran but it's exacerbated with the fact that because he's with Z and the expectations of him is so higher than other actors. It's so much because even when he met a fan in Scotland, they weren't happy to meet him they were happy to meet Z's bf, which is disrespectful. Like that sucks because even his career is nothing outside of his relationship.

It's also hard on Z because she even admitted post NWH and Euphoria 2 how hard it was for her to even leave the house with her costars because she thought she would make their evenings worse and that is so hard to hear. She has been accommodating her life in fear of being judged by her fans who refude to evolve like her, and that's not healthy for her or her fans. These are the same fans last yr who, during Christmas on that bird app, were going viral for bringing up her ex JE and blaming Tom for visiting her on set for Euphoria as if that was the reason they aren't together like he hasn't been dating Olivia for like 3 yrs. Those are the fans she's dealing with.

That besties narrative was pushed hard in promo for Dune 1 and 2, and as many fans dislike Timothee, I have to give him credit for not being a weirdo and allowing that narrative to be pushed. Most male actors in his position would love to push a showmance for the promotion for those films and he didn't, he even mentioned Tom on both press tours because of how ppl ship, he didn't even stop fans shipping him with Taylor or any of his costars but with Z he did. He didn't have to do that, but it kinda sucks he knew he had to.

It's a lot. Like there isn't any promo for R+J and Rachel and Kit are having photoshoots and tiktoks for their Romeo and Juliet, and that's unfair because if Tom did that with Fran, locals/incels will create a narrative and its exhausting. Popularity is important for an actor, but what costs?

Those are my thoughts, and thank you for allowing me to express them Destiny💖

Thanks Anon ☺️

Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, I do feel like people would be curious about Tom and Z's private lives no matter who they date, simply because they're so famous.

I'm not sure though that I feel like Z would not get those same kissing questions if she were dating another actor that is NOT Tom. I honestly feel like she would get those questions regardless.

Sadly, for most women (actresses), they usually get the brunt of the relationship type questions. 😕 It seems, that's all anyone is interested in when it comes to women.

Plus, if you're attractive, that also makes people more curious...especially if your costar is also equally attractive as well. For some reason, ppl tend to think that acting translates into real life.

Re: Tom, career, etc....

I honestly don't know why fans keep repeating this mantra about Tom's career as if he's not doing well in his career or smthg. Have Twitter folks made you all brain washed or smthg? 🥴 Serious question.

Tom's R&J play sold out in 2 HOURS. How is his career "bad"? 🥴

I'm not understanding the logic.

And btw, just because ONE fan in Scotland was just excited to meet "Zendaya's boyfriend", it doesn't mean that MOST people feel that way.

MOST fans who get to meet Tom are there to meet HIM.... Not Zendaya.

Also, I know Z is usually a homebody most of the time, but where did she say that she was afraid to go out with costars because she was worried that she would ruin their evening out? 🤔

Re: Rachel....

Okay, if they are doing photos for R&J..... so what? 🤷🏾‍♀️

There are PLENTY of R&J adaptations going on and there will be for years to come.

They must have been planning this for a while if they're announcing it so close to Tom's production. Theirs will be on Broadway though, so it's a totally different production in a totally different country. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I'm not even sure Tom's production even planned to do photo shoots to promote the play..... but it would be sad to think that IF they did, that some people would be so hateful about it. 😕

But I'm not going to worry about smthg that hasn't even happened yet. 👀

[dangerously-human]

While I was working with former work bff this week, I mentioned something about how former office crush #1 broke up with his girlfriend somewhat recently, and after some brief sympathy for him, she automatically shifted into eyebrow-waggling mode, going, "Sooo, if he's single now, do you—?" Which makes sense, of course, since him dating that girl was why I did finally move on; there was an initial attempt, while he was still single but I'd learned he was an atheist, and it only ended up in a spiral until it just wasn't an option anymore. But before she even finished the sentence, I was shaking my head, explaining that no, absolutely not, we have massively different values and it would never work. Did I think, for a second, when he told me - of course I did, you don't hear "hey I'm single again" from the first person you fell in love with and not have that thought, I think, not if there was never a wedge between you, anyway. "Are you sure?" she pushed. But even if it were an option - and whatever overly optimistic possibilities I may sometimes indulge about the past, it sure isn't now - I still wouldn't want that. Honestly. (Mostly honestly.) Which is progress. As I explained to her, I love being friends with him, but I'm friends with lots of people I'm quite different from, and my one non-negotiable is I will not date a non-Christian. She was quiet for a bit and then said, "I really wish it had worked out for you with [the adventurer]," and I sighed and agreed, because yeah, that one just made sense. That one's more recent, but I never let it spin out of control like with OC1 (surrendered it to God from day one), so it's not as hard to marshall the what-ifs - but it does still suck, sometimes, especially because he's still the same, you know, still one of my favorite people and still unfairly good-looking and still in my orbit all the time, and it still makes sense and it's a bummer that he wasn't interested in dating at all and I don't think I was ever really an option that way. But it is what it is and I genuinely am okay with it. What I realized, after all this - and I think our conversation afterward helped me understand, especially where she kept saying she would not have made it without me and she's constantly wishing she could give me one fraction of that back, and despite my honest assurances, I don't think she sees that she has, a hundred times over - is that it's not so much that she specifically wants to see me with any one of these boys, it's that she wants to be part of my happiness in that way, and it frustrates her that she hasn't had the opportunity to even try in a long time. So I told her one of my goals for this year is to try the dating app thing, much as it strikes me as less than ideal, and I asked for her help with a profile and figuring out what to say in general. She loves having a mission, and I trust her impressions of people (for me, anyway) - and she's a born hype woman, there's no one who could talk me up better, lol. I'll need Bible study bestie's buy-in too before doing anything with that goal, because I need a friend who loves Jesus to be on my team... but the point of this, I think, was reflecting on how grateful I am for this friendship, and the way she is automatically my cheerleader and wants to be part of good things for me. Everyone needs that kind of friend, truly.

[x-stephanie-sinnz-x]

Weekend long gangbang

My husband has been planning a "pump and dump" (as he called it) , but I had no idea when.

On Friday when I got home, after fucking my fwb twice that day is when he spang it on me. 

Apparently he recruited the help of the across the street neighbor. The neighbor and my husband planned for awhile using several dating apps and websites and I’m pretty sure they even used Tumblr. To find guys close to us for the gangbang. They were both very thorough with there search for people to join us. Had to of been recently tested at time of them talking and get tested before the “pump and dump“ and bring proof of a clean test.

That night the neighbor came over and I helped them look at guys they had saved.  They sent out a reminder to all the “pump and dumpers”.  They had about 100 guys invited, which scared me a bit, but we all knew that most of them would flake out and not even show. They sent out one last email that night.  They only gave them city we were in until they confirmed they were coming. The same night they helped clean the house. They sent our address out to the 25 or so that confirmed they were coming, and next morning we woke up bright and early. As first couple of guys were supposed to show up around 5 am.  The neighbor and my husband went and met a guy at the door and they came in and I helped him undress and he helped him get hard by sucking him as the neighbor ate my ass and pussy to get me ready, and once the first guy was ready he told me to bend over the couch and slid in and fucked me sensless and as he was fucking me another two guys showed up and my husband and the neighbor put some porn on in the background to help get them ready. A guy fucking me had just came inside me for my first of many loads,  he pulled out and he just got dressed and left saying he would be back after work and the 2 guys who were there decided they wanted to spit roast me which they did for several minutes until they swapped and finished in opposite holes they started out in.  

It went on like this the whole weekend with occasional breaks for light meals, hydration, showers and bathroom breaks.      Sunday night the neighbor stayed as him and hubby took turns fucking me throughout the night.

The next day i had to come to work while the neighbor and my husband deep cleaned the carpets and couch and in general get the smell of sex out of the house. All in all I think I fucked about 15 guys maybe more. And probably got well over 30 loads shot on me or into eithier holes, maybe more. I honestly couldn't keep accurate track ( multiple guys came back multiple times ).

Stephanie Sinnz 💋

[positively--speculative]

I feel like with conspiracy theories, we have to talk about the desire for power that some people who experience insecurity have. I'm not trying to generalize here, but a lot of the dudes who message me on dating apps or elsewhere who believe in these things have a lot of similarities. And among these similarities are so-called "traditional values" (or a preference for a woman willing to perform conservative gender roles) and an uncomfortable animosity towards education.

It's like they're super aware of how they might be perceived if they've struggled in getting laid and/or were unable to pursue a higher education for one reason or the other. And I'm not judging those who don't go to college, because there are many systemic barriers that keep people from having that as an option (and, honestly, it's not for everyone and there are other ways people can grow intellectually), but there are some who resent those who simply just show a desire to grow and understand the value of getting educated because THEY didn't for one reason or the other. And this isn't to say that college educated people cannot get sucked in by conspiracy theories, because anyone can.

However, I feel like conspiracy theories appeal to insecure people, because they present themselves as these big secrets no one else knows about and this idea that everyone else (including the people they perceive to be as "better" than them) has simply been "brainwashed" to brush off. It's like an imaginary exclusive club for people who always felt looked down on. It's a power trip.

And I can almost be sympathetic towards them, but so many of these people I've talked to are just so unwilling to listen to any alternatives to these ideas they're fed and unwilling to direct their anger towards the right people. And let's be real, these people will often use their energy attacking minorities and marginalized individuals.

[fearsomeandwretched]

bestie beloved a) what are you wearing to the sleepover (are u a specific pjs or random t-shirt and sweats girlie?) and b) do u have any advice for making dating apps not suck so much. tysm <3

Random t shirt and sweats for sure lol I love the idea of a matching set of pajamas but in actuality I rarely wear them

I wouldn't say I have the apps figured out at all they still intimidate me very much lol but I honestly just try to not take it ~too seriously like if I click with someone great but I try to remind myself I'm just like chatting with strangers on an app lol. No need to be too nervous or put too much energy into the interaction. I mostly view it as a way to put myself out there and meet people with pretty low expectations of what's gonna come out of it rather than like going into it with an idea of something specific. In general though I do believe dating is a numbers game so the more people you chat with the more likely you are to meet somebody you really connect with. Also idk if this is too harsh but I also only swipe right on people I'm instantly attracted to. In the past I've been more lenient on that and I feel like it just inevitably clogs my feed with people i'm just not that into and it stresses me out. Idk I feel like this advice is very me specific but hopefully some of it was helpful lol xo

[screampied]

daily dose of me yapping, and i want to say there is a reason i am this talkative, i’ll explain once i show myself, hihsidhdjdbjdbd.

OH, something happened last night that got me doing that lil thing with my eyes, y’know? twitching. YOU 🫵 interacted with a post of mine, and i was like “FUCK THEY FOUND OUT” but that’s good we good you were just appreciating one of my masterpieces 😁😏

ok, going back on track. i am a full supporter of scream theme you know, cause it just makes sense. and i also think you would be able to create a really good content for the boys as ghostface. in fact, who do you think fix the mask the most? for me it’s choso, idk just makes me want to pounce on him, the image of him with the mask, messy hair and a knife… sigh.

THE RANT, I LOVE IT. you are absolutely right. you see i am kinda of a hater of new generations of films, because we learn through the og characters to be more smart and what to look out for, while the newbies are a bunch or arrogant useless shits, and we have to deal with the directors trying to sell them as a better version. EXHIBIT ONE, halloween. it was… it was something. YESS scream 6 redeemed itself a lot, specially in this thing i just mentioned. for example, sam and mindy pissed me off on the fifth, but i fell in love with them on the sixth, and the characters had such a grown. chad is kinda my fav, i love the guy that is just supposed to die but never does. AND HIMBO??

i do hope she comes back, because she is the soul of scream, i can not think of scream and not think of her. still, new directors nowadays taking over this sequels (or, for example books like grrm) they just keep missing to catch the real essence of the thing, so if she does come back, it tends to lean on the side of me not enjoying it. idk, at first i didn’t liked her on the fifth, something was missing, but i hope it does not go like that this time. like i said, the six was good, so if they keep like that, it might.

also, the actress for sam was fired, right? because she supports palestine, and i think jenna too? i don’t remember much, but i hope they come back asap, otherwise it’s going to suck. and i mean changing actress won’t do them any good, cause they both carried a lot.

YAYAY, car races are so cool. you go to one and i repeat 🫵 bad bitch. i remember this one time i was friends with a boy that lived next door, and he would come to my house all day, and he brought some tapes of car races and i was wonderstruck by the girls that wave the flag, with mini skirts and crop tops, my mom turned to me and said “don’t ever date a racer” THANKS BUT IM NOT LISTENING. there is something about a guy with a helmet (oh, shit. the mask kink is mentioned again) and a nice looking car, but the girls? sigh sigh sigh. when i was obsessed with fast and furious, i would only stare at them.

hate anons are laughable. i was an editor on instagram some years ago, and i had this person that would literally clock in on my anon app to daily be a bitch. it was fucking funny because i knew exactly who they were, and when i went to talk with them, they got so calm and like “i’m sorry” like stfu give me that energy. ever since then, i don’t get offended by anonymous hate. this person is weak and likes the power of being hidden, but in fact, it has no power whatsoever. it’s just…stupid?!

anyways, hope you have a great day!!! and do some fun stuff!!!!

oh, question of the day, favorite book and favorite color?

nut anon

HIIIII NUT ANON 😙

PAHAHAHAH REALLY. i remember i was binge reading fics last night and maybe i stumbled upon you 🤔. tbh i literally can’t remember what i read BUT I FOUND YOU (kinda not really) omg. the suspense is killing meeee baefy. what are the odds hehe. IM SURE UR WORK IS SSOOOOO GOOD u seem so sweet i’d honestly love to be ur moot whenever ur ready to reveal yourself 💓💓.

yeahhhhh man. same here, i love scream downn. but tysm :’) UGHHH JUST IMAHINGINF ITS GONNA BE SO SEXY im such a whoreee for ghostface its crazy. ur so right, id say choso but def maybe even suguru too ?? it’s always the dark haired boys idk 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️. dare i say toji also.

SO REEAAAAL ✋🏽. i hated the newbies expect mindy bc that’s pookie and chad, chad grew on me. also ofc jenna too, and i like same a lot more in scream six. CHAD UGHHHHHH he carried, the core four uughghgjgjgk my babies. seeing sam snap yet again was so cool to see, i kinda want her to be ghostface, but that would be predictable. a girl can dream tho </3

and omg !!!!! i stumbled across a neve interview and it’s confirmed she’s coming back for scream seven AHHHHHHHHHHHHH MOTHER. im so glad i wonder how it’s gonna play out. yeah !!! i heard the actress for sam got fired all bc she supports palestine like really? 🤒 good for her for using her voice, i think jenna left on her own because she also supports palestine and supported her. i’ll miss them sm but good for them !!!!

I WENT AND IT WAS SAAAAUUR FUN. i saw a sukuna styled car and i almost crashed out. it was so hot, i’ve got such a deep love for sports cars 🌛🌛. PFFF REALLY. i wanna date a racer, they give such good vibes eheh. GUYS WITH HELMETS AND GLOVES AND >>>> yes. ur so right ab the masks. and the girls too ???? YEAAH

bye that’s so embarrassing. do they not have anything else to do 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️. like whaaaat that’s insane, daily is just so lame. what a bore. good for u for confronting them bc ew

THANKSSSSPOIKIEEEEE 💓💓💓 you too !!! hope you had a lovely day <3 and oooh um favorite book would probably be any hunger games book or the war that saved my life. favorite color hmmmm rose gold !!!!

[ribbitdesdemars]

I’m truly done chasing. I’m done looking. I’m focus on myself and no one else. If I mean the world to someone, they will let that be known. I’m done with casually dating around or dating apps or just looking for “the one” in general. I have faith that what is for me will find me. I’m not going to stubble again when presented with the same test.

More importantly, I’m done dating someone younger than me. I have patience, grace, love, empathy for people who are lost BUT I will no longer date those people. My future partner shouldn’t be like a helpless pet that I found and adopted to give them the life they always wanted without them doing any work. My future partner will understand the fire that one has to walk through to become as strong and confident as me. I’m done with making excuses for people who do and are less. I’m done with people who have given up on themselves and are looking for someone to give them a reason not to. That’s not what a healthy relationship is built on.

I know I’ve been beating myself up for what happened towards the end of our relationship but honestly, I’ve FINALLY started to forgive myself. I put up with A LOT of shit from her only for her to never even ATTEMPT to reciprocate that behavior when it was the other way around. Just because I decided enough was enough at the end, doesn’t mean that I never extended copious amount of grace or patience or kindness. I was just simply done. It hurt (hurts) like hell but I stood up for myself that day. I wouldn’t do it any differently given the opportunity tbh as much as that sucks to say, it’s my truth.

Now to learn how to forgive you.

[dzpenumbra]

2/28/23

It's much earlier than I normally write. I'm absolutely wiped today. But it's been a big day, full of big accomplishments.

I didn't sleep well, I had very difficult dreams. This is pretty run-of-the-mill now. I'm really hoping that will change soon.

I've been doing this thing on the dating apps that I rarely look at because I just... don't get any connections at all... and it's really depressing... where I will pull up the profile of someone that I'm somewhat interested in, and then I'll just put down my phone for a while, tab out of the app, etc. Then later, I'll look at it and see if I still feel the same way.

I have a very serious problem with seeing the best in people. I'm sure a lot of people might scoff at that as a "humble brag" or some shit, but it's destroyed my entire life, and anyone who would mock that really doesn't know how dangerous it is to compulsively overlook serious transgressions. I mean, to be honest, oddly enough... those people are also the same people who look at someone in an abusive relationship and go "why don't they just leave?" I have straight-up witnessed this myself many times. It's... I mean it's just a lack of education, I can't really hate on it. It's just a general lack of education about mental health and the human psyche at a systemic level. Just... please be cautious, everyone, not to let that lack of understanding turn into... mocking, or shaming. It's perfectly fine to genuinely ask someone "why don't you just leave an abusive relationship?", for educational purposes, when you actually want to learn the answer. But there is absolutely no gain in asking that rhetorically, except to exalt your own perspective, as in... saying that as a replacement for "if I were you, I would've left, dumbass". It's just... arrogant bullying, it helps no one.

Weird tangent there, just putting it out there.

I have a problem with seeing the best in people, idealizing, that's what I was saying. So... I will very very often look at a dating profile and see someone I'm not really that physically attracted to (very bad to settle in this regard when it comes to a romantic partner), who I have maybe... one or two things in common with? And I'll feel the pressure to message there as though... I just found the one or something. Like "don't fuck this up". And honestly, I'm not even sure if I should be messaging them at all. Because best case scenario, we end up meeting up and going out on a date... and then... what? I'm just not attracted to them. But I have a friend? I mean, that's good from my end, sure... but... let's use some compassionate empathy here... That poor woman just went on a date with someone that she is attracted to, who is not attracted back... and they just want to be friends. I mean... it's not the end of the world for them either but, it's a bummer, you know?

So... I really try to give it extra thought when I'm trying to find a match. I take it very serious. And I come back to potential likes after a bit with fresh eyes to make sure I'm not idealizing. It's been working okay. But yesterday, I did that... and I came back and swiped left. And the chick lived in my neighborhood and had liked me. It was my first match since... since the goat bone chick. And it was a missed connection because I felt like I was idealizing and felt like while was somewhat attracted... we didn't really have that much in common on paper. And it sucks because... how well can you really get to know someone from a fucking Bumble profile? So yeah, don't really need to put that much weight on a dating app match, but it's super rare so... it felt sucky.

Today, I did yoga which was really nice. Well paced for me, strenuous at parts but not so much that it destroyed me. After, I did dishes (I know), cleaned the kitchen counters and the stove (I know), got some breakfast and called my mom back. We were suppose to go over cars today. To just... figure this situation out. Before that, I watched a video by David Lynch on transcendental meditation. And... meditation has been on my list for a long time. Like... mantra focused meditation. I found breath-focused mediation and... honestly shit has just been so chaotic up in my head that I've been a bit scared of meditating. Like... it can get obscenely overwhelming sometimes, emotionally upsetting. It's... kinda silly. But... here's where I can silver lining this pretty easily. If I make a dedicated area in my home for that? That is nice and peaceful and positive and warm and comforting and safe. I think that would help build the habit. In the same way that the yoga videos helped build the yoga habit. They made it a very positive, warm, loving experience. So... watching the video was a good reminder of... that creative, existential, spiritual side of my life that has been so deeply neglected because of the constant hectic pressures of moving, sickness, death and conflict. And with that absence, my art and my self have suffered. I have a feeling it's coming back very soon.

It took my mom and I a while to crack through and get on the same page. But after a while of explaining my perspective, my daily life and... what my limitations currently are? What problem I really have with owning a car? We started to make some progress. It was very revelatory for me. I realized that having my car out of commission, and having it be... my fault... because of neglecting it for months and months at a time due to PTSD, severe depression, and the pandemic... like... it wasn't my fault, but it was my fault, you know? And because of that, I'm super gun-shy to get a vehicle. Because I feel like I'm just going to go into another shut-in phase at any moment... and that car is going to sit out in the parking lot rusting and falling apart. And then I'll bring it to get inspected one day, and they'll say "we can't let you drive this". And then they'll rent me a car. For 3 months. When I have no friends or romantic partner to help give me rides and shit. And my parents will associate me with the bill this costs... And since this scenario is fresh in my mind, because it's still happening... I have a deep survival reflex stopping me from willingly doing it again.

I know it's catastrophizing, but I explained that I'm afraid that the risk of it happening again? That might be worse for my mental health than not having a car. Like... the guilt and feeling of lack of safety and anxiety... might actually make it more difficult to leave my house. And somehow... she understood that. She actually got it. So we took some time to think about shit while she did some office work and I did laundry (I know), and I ended up coming back with 3 things. A car sharing service for $15/month with a vehicle less than a mile away from me. An electric vehicle called a "OneWheel" that's like... kinda like a balance board but with a giant offroad wheel you can ride around on, and headlights and shit. And a hybrid electric skateboard.

We were concerned before about the shared car being a bit far away from me, and wondering how I would safely get back from that parking spot at night, alone. And I think if I can get some sort of suitable lighting situation, the hybrid skateboard could work absolutely fine. The snow is kinda shitting on this plan, but... it's almost March... so... I'm a bit optimistic on that, but I think it should be okay. That way, I have a car if I need for doctors appointments or going to the skatepark or the rock climbing gym or meeting up and visiting with my brother/sister in law, or other friends that I'm yet to meet. And I can just skate to anywhere that's not too far away. And it'll help me stay used to being comfortable on a board.

And I told my mom that I can try this for a bit, a month or two or something, and if it doesn't work... if it's causing problems... we can brainstorm cars. My dad is looking to upgrade his car and it's... it's 10 years old... But like... I'll take it, I'm not picky... I'm just... I have that concern that it's just going to rot and fall apart in the parking lot, and that an older car like that might be more susceptible to falling apart. But it's an option if this skating/shared car thing is a bust.

So... I actually have a fucking plan. After all this horseshit. After months of craziness. I actually have a plan. And I'm just sleeping on it and seeing if we can think of any issues overnight, if not? It's getting ordered tomorrow. And I guess if I want groceries, I can either get them delivered, or pick them up in the shared car. It'll take some adjusting... but like... I went from a somewhat comfy life routine in June... to losing my dog... gaining and losing a close friend... gaining and losing a brother (again)... moving... and losing my cat... What the fuck hasn't changed? If anything, getting groceries delivered would be like... returning closer to how things were before Cerry died. Change is change, I just want to make life as smooth and comfy as I can right now, because the road has been rocky as fuck and I'm really ready to like... take some deep breaths and chill and get out of constant survival mode and start planting some seeds. Both literally and figuratively. My older brother gave me some indoor gardening kits for Christmas and I've been itching to get them set up, I just... I don't have any furniture and I feel like these guys are gonna need good light, you know? So I've been waiting for tables and the kits are still unopened. But... I feel like things are changing soon, and this place will have a lot more life in it. Lots of plants everywhere.

OH! I got my birdfeeder set up today, finally! I mean, I set it up yesterday, but the birds came to feed in it already! They found it so quickly! I'm a little afraid because they got a little territorial about it... a titmouse and a finch got in a little spat... and I'm a bit worried that they might... fly into the windows accidentally? I hope not. But they seem to really enjoy it, and it's really nice to have nature in my life again. I haven't had my own birdfeeder since like... 2017? There are a bunch of squirrels around, I don't know if they'd be stupid enough to try to jump over from the tree to my window on the second floor... it's like... at least a 10 foot jump... I guess we'll see.

So yeah, today was a completely different change of pace. I got lots of chores done, and came up with a decent plan to remove one of the biggest PTSD pressures off of my life. Even on very little sleep. I feel very... unburdened. I feel much lighter.

And I'm really hoping this helps me reconnect with skating. And get over my self-conscious bullshit about not "being good". So I can meet more people like me. And then they can get to know who I am and all the cool shit I can make. Music, poetry, jewelry, drawings, paintings, all kinds of shit. It might really be that the key to finding others to share my life with... starts with skating. I hate to say it, but I think it sounds more likely than with gaming. Gaming has just gotten too saturated. I don't know that, I'm just min-maxing again! Agh! Good lord.

Regardless of "percentage chances" and "likelihood of success" and shit like that, skating needs to pay off. If I look forward to skating... I will go again, and it will be less difficult to go, just like the skatepark at the end of the Fall last year. And if I go regularly? If it's part of my routine? It will be more likely that I make friends.

Is it obvious how lonely I am? -_-

There's also streaming. Which is still sitting there right within arms reach. But, as I said to my mom today - it's not streaming itself that's the problem, once I'm broadcasting it's fine, I know what to do, I have tons of ideas, I'm pretty comfortable. It's pushing the "Go Live" button. It's not grocery shopping, it's getting myself out the door. That's the barrier for me. And it's still pushing, despite having a few cool options. Like Noita with Twitch Integration, like Risk of Rain 2, like Rimworld. I even have another game on my wishlist by the devs of Prison Architect called "The Last Starship" that looks like it could be really fucking cool. I have ideas. I'm just...

Okay, let me just get this out then. I checked Discord the other day, I hadn't been on in a long time. No one interacted with me there, and I'd just constantly be seeing what games my little brother was playing with his friends that he never invited me to, which really fucking sucked. But I went back on to like... get used to having it open as part of getting ready for Twitch again. And I found messages. Messages from a guy whose Discord I used to mod for.

It's a weird story. I met him at a Cards Against Humanity stream with a bunch of random smaller streamers, we all just found each other and he was in the chat. He followed me over to my Twitch and found me there. That was a different era, I was smoking a shit ton of weed and was... well... much more confident, much more naïve and less acutely traumatized at that point. I obviously still had PTSD but... it wasn't... fresh. All the fresh trauma, that came after I met him. But we like... didn't know each other at all. He'd just chill in my chat occasionally.

Then I went to the retreat and got off meds after shit with my family and "friends" went south, after the "fresh trauma" hit. And I suddenly stopped streaming entirely. Because I couldn't stream from the retreat, it was a shared home, and I shared a room. I got back from the retreat like... 6 months later? Took some time to settle in and did my YouTube thing at first... then decided to start streaming again. Which was actually super hard. Because... a lot of people were very harsh to me about my streaming/YouTube stuff, and said very hurtful things. And they hadn't even seen the streams, but it still... did a lot of damage. I overpowered my "Go Live" fear, I changed my username, I got Rimworld set up and I started broadcasting... and within 10 minutes of starting the stream... the dude shows up. The first thing he does is ask me if I was <my old username>, which is like... horrific etiquette. I feel. But yeah, I mean... kinda defeats the point of a name change if you're just going to call me by my old name... that I don't want to be associated with anymore because it has traumatic associations...

He slowly got over that hump and started insisting on helping introduce me to other streamers and communities and shit. I went along with it. He linked me up with a community that networked new Twitch streamers to help them reach Affiliate status. Which can be... literally impossible if you don't have at least 3 friends. I mean that very seriously. If you do not have 3 friends actively watching your stream at all times, you are hurting your chances of ever being able to make a cent streaming. You need a certain amount of followers, average viewers and streamed hours during a specific period of time. You need all of those criteria. So if you have 300 followers, 100 hours streamed and a... 1.2 viewer count average? With that many hours logged? You'd have to basically not stream at all for a month to reset that. It's fucked up. But yeah... I went with these guys and tried to network, but none of them would chill in my stream. I hung out with the original guy, let's call him A, in his discord. I introduced him to Jackbox, which I was introduced to in the retreat, which was always a big hit. And I got us to arrange a regular night to do that, and A hosted it, and it became pretty popular. This was where I met two people around my age who ended up being my Rimworld series' biggest fans. And good friends, though we never really... hung out off-stream at all... which is weird... I have a feeling they will come back very naturally when I start streaming again, which will be a wonderful thing.

A rarely came to my streams. He wanted me to come to his. A never even really watched my Rimworld series, which was the absolute centerpiece of my life at that point. I was releasing 2x 15 minute videos per week at that point, it was seriously wake up, get coffee, let the dog out, start editing, lunch break, edit, stream, take the dog out, dinner, edit, sleep. With maybe a sunday off so I didn't go crazy. And I guarantee he couldn't name 2 characters from that playthrough. After a while, he appointed me one of the "Overlords" for his Discord server. A moderator, basically. But he really sold this whole image like... like the Overlords were there to basically be like a Senate kinda deal, I think. He played it like it was democratic, like we all had equal powers to him, the server owner, and we were there to basically keep him in check. Let me know if you see where this is going...

So we started to get in a bit of a routine, the weekly Jackbox night, my streams often raided into A's streams or vice versa. Mixing communities and all that, everyone getting to know each other. And I spent tons of time in his Discord, like every day. And then one day... one day this guy from that networking community that we both knew? He would pop in and say hi occasionally, but had his own discord community to manage and a very young son, so he was very rarely in A's community. This guy came on and put a message in general about how he was going to be doing some stream event at some point, inviting people. And A started freaking out. He deleted the post, he left a kinda passive aggressive comment in general that really didn't need to be there imo, he left some strong-worded comments to him in the moderator channel (I'm not sure if this guy was an "Overlord" too, but he definitely had a high ranking for some reason, despite never being active in the community), and I'm pretty sure he mentioned he was DMing him too. I left a message in the moderator chat and DM'd A personally letting him know that I didn't really feel comfortable with him like... publicly shitting on the leader of another streaming community, like... it might cause bad blood? Like... there are more polite ways of doing it? And basically told him that... this is me doing my job as an "Overlord" and keeping you in check, I feel like you overstepped there, and maybe should apologize. He obviously has a right to like... request people not self-promote... but there are different ways of doing it.

A's response to this was to... get piss drunk... and send me sloppy misspelled pissed-off messages at 4 AM... and remove my Overlord status. As you do, apparently. And I just took it as an invitation to leave outright. Two things should probably be mentioned here - 1) I did not request to be an "Overlord", in fact... I was pretty hesitant to even accept. I was incredibly overwhelmed already, doing everything solo, and really didn't want to take on more responsibilities, but he really peer pressured me into it. and 2) he set me up with my own corner in his discord to plug my own stuff - live announcements, youtube releases, shit like that. Not sure why, I could've just set up my own Discord... but... yeah. It was a thing.

So... I told him he was kinda doing me a favor by demoting me. Because the rank was pretty obviously bullshit, and he breaks his own rules. So... yeah. I kinda said "If you wanna do this, you might as well take down my channels, because I'm not really gonna be using them anymore." I really, really, really just did not want to be put in a position where people would come up and go "hey man, your username changed color, I thought you used to be an 'Overlord' (I fucking hate the gimmicky titles, just call them mods, dude), what happened?" Then I have to explain how a dude who I thought was a friend of mine decided to get drunk and "fire" me because I second-guessed his judgement, which was... supposed to be my job title... I felt like saying something like that to a member of his community, in his community, would probably lead to... more "retaliation". So I left.

I went off and just did my own stream. And lost regular game nights and shit. I met new people, which was nice. I started my own Discord eventually. But yeah... that always stuck with me. That really fucked me over.

So... A messaged me on the 15th. The first time since about a month before my dog died, when he last reached out. When he last reached out, he was just broken record trying different methods of pressuring me to basically "forgive and forget" and just "go back to the old days" or whatever. And I didn't budge an inch, I am actually super proud of myself for how I expressed myself reading those messages back. I was very articulate and direct, and compassionate, but without compromising my values and caving to what I now see as blatantly obvious consistent peer pressure. And this time, the messages on the 15th:

"Have you tried the Hogwarts game yet? [10:01 PM] I know the past blah. But I want to know if you're interested in it and if you have played what you think"

I'm tempted to link him an IGN review and leave it at that.

What I was very clear about was... that you can't really just fast-forward over conflict resolution. I wrote in the previous conversation:

"simply caring a lot about something doesn't make interacting with it functional, it takes work dude, time and effort that - for us - hasn't been put in. That's why every time we reconnect its like we just pick up right where we left off

because thats exactly what we're doing"

And he really just... I guess he's too ashamed of what he did to be able to tune in to how it affected me and really sit down and talk about it. Try to iron out some boundaries, to really be attentive to like... how shit like that affects me. I mean... like... I see this a lot. Where someone hurts me, then I express very clearly how and how much they hurt me, and they start getting very emotionally upset about the guilt or shame of having done that. Not concern for how I am feeling, not concern for the functionality of the relationship, not focused on the person who was hurt at all, but focused on how much it hurts their pride to have made an error. And how I am the one causing that pride-pain in them. And that's a big red flag for me now. I'm guessing it's a trauma thing? I don't know. But like... yeah. It's a red flag to me that my needs and my pain will very likely be weaponized against me.

So... what was weird about this was... in our previous exchange, he said:

"I want to move forward and I'm sure our next conversation will just be me bugging you about what game your playing these days or what's up in life. Point is if you are willing to move forward I'd like to."

It's been over 9 months, and he comes back doing exactly what he said he would do, what he was peer pressuring me into... and basically just acting like that whole conversation never happened.

That shit fucks with me, it honestly often makes me feel like I'm going batshit crazy. Maybe it's gaslighting? That would make sense if it was, I'm not sure enough about the definition to confidently use the term. It used to genuinely make me feel like I was delusional, I'm getting better about it. When I make a huge gesture of genuinely pouring my heart out, and put a lot of time and energy into being articulate and as clear as I can be, giving examples, using analogies, shit like that. And it is treated like my message didn't even go through, or I didn't even speak. It's like... okay. It happened when I was really high once and I was 100% convinced that I was dead; that I was a ghost and I just didn't know it and wouldn't come to terms with it. And that me realizing that I was a ghost, was like... potentially the beginning of the end of my spiritual existence in reality. And the big bad existential doom feelings hit like a freight train. THAT feeling. The feeling of being the ghost in the room screaming from another dimension and the people in the mortal plane don't even notice. I am way too familiar with that feeling.

And here he is... doing that again.

So... I FUCKING WONDER WHY I'M ANXIOUS TO START STREAMING AGAIN. GUESS WHO'S GOING TO DROP IN UNANNOUNCED WHILE I'M LIVE BROADCASTING AND BEING RECORDED.

XD

Someday. I swear. Someday I will start blocking people. The day will come. I... I don't think I've ever really done it before. Maybe once or twice in the very distant past, like a decade ago on Facebook. But I didn't even block my ex. I just... don't block people. It's weird. I also like... never delete posts that I put up places. It's this weird... accountability thing? Or something? Like I want to make sure that I'm really mindful of how I express myself without trying to control the consequences. If that makes sense. I want to be able to be honest, and allow people to disagree or be upset, without needing to control their reactions. And it's hard, especially with personal stuff like this, especially when it's normalized so much in our culture to just delete something you regret saying, and pretend you never said it. I feel like it helps me speak with more integrity, and subsequently think with more integrity. Or maybe I'm just making life way the fuck harder for myself than I need to.

ANYWAY. Enough of a big tangent there. Storytime is over, kiddos, time for bed. I know... I know...

So yeah, to make sense of this and sum this up for myself because that was a huge story sidebar... I got a ton of good stuff done for myself today, and my life is going to be changing a lot... but at the same time, not really. I will not have the constant drain of the rental car guilt hanging over me, making me feel unsafe, which will let me generate confidence more freely, which I hope to direct into skating and streaming. Both for social connections, both for personal growth and artistic connections. We'll see how this all plays out! Good night!

[erin-bo-berin]

Have you used dating apps before! They suck but my roommates have had luck

Honestly no for mainly that reason lol that and I’ve seen way too many true crime shows about dating app killers and stuff and it’s scared me off from them in general lol

[bug-catcher-in-viridian-forest]

having to face the fact that it’s not that i am incapable of flirting, but i am just unwilling