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#hope 2021 doesn’t suck as much as 2020
jimhines · 2 years
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2022 Writing Income
It’s that time again – for fifteen years now I’ve been writing an annual blog post about my income as a writer. Money tends to be an uncomfortable, even taboo topic, but I think it’s important to help counter the myths that we’re all multimillionaires living in Glass Onion-style mansions. (Side note: If anyone wants to pay millions of dollars for my book, I’ll happily update this blog post from my private island mansion.)
Remember, every writer’s career is different, and I’m only one data point.
Prior Years: Here are the annual write-ups going back to 2007: 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021.
In 2016, instead of a personal income write-up, I did a survey of almost 400 novelists about their income.
My Background: I’m a primarily “traditionally published,” U.S.-based SF/F author with 15 books in print from major New York publishers. The first of those books came out from DAW in 2006. I have an agent, and have been with them since about 2004.
I’ve self-published a middle grade fantasy and a few short collections. I’ve also sold about 50 short stories to different magazines and anthologies.
I’ve never hit the NYT or USA Today bestseller lists.
I’m currently the sole parent of a teenager (at home) and a 22-year-old (at college). I have a day job that’s just over half-time, both for the paycheck and the benefits.
2022 in Summary: There’s no gentle way to say this. The last several years have kind of sucked. Losing my wife to cancer in 2019 completely derailed my writing. I was hoping 2022 would be a comeback year, but life had other plans…
I did write and sell two new short stories and one nonfiction piece, which was nice. I’ve got a finished middle grade book that’s been on submission for a while. I finished a standalone fantasy that’s been sitting with my publisher for a while.
Normally, my editor is pretty quick about responding, but last year wasn’t normal for DAW, either. DAW was acquired by Astra House. A lot of their time and energy went into that deal. I’m hoping for the best, but things still haven’t settled into the new “normal.”
Last year did see the release — finally — of Terminal Peace, the third book in the Janitors of the Post-Apocalypse series. I’m thrilled and relieved to see that book in print, but it came out right in the middle of the Astra House acquisition, which may have impacted things like promotion and publicity.
I also finished the first draft and started revising a new standalone middle grade fantasy with series potential.
2022 Income: The biggest check was the publication payment for Terminal Peace. All total, before taxes and various expenses, the writing brought in $13,957.16. While that’s absolutely nothing to sneer at, and I’m grateful for the success, it’s also a dropoff from the past couple of years. To be blunt, if you look at the cumulative graph, things have been slumping a bit.
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Income Breakdown:
Patreon has been a small but steady and helpful source of income. My thanks to everyone for that!
As usual, my U.S. novels are the biggest piece of the pie. The short fiction category is a bit higher this year, thanks to those two new stories. I didn’t self-publish anything new in 2022, but if that middle grade book doesn’t sell, I’d like to publish that one later this year.
Novels (U.S. editions): $8,542.83
Novels (Non-U.S. editions): $473.25
Self-Published: $1158.24
Short fiction: $892.86
Audio: $521.04
Patreon: $1668.94
Other: $700
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I mentioned earlier that things have been in a bit of a slump, and I need to focus on breaking out of that. Some things I can’t currently control. Tomorrow I could wake up to an offer from DAW on the book they’ve got, and maybe an email from my agent that the middle grade title he’s been shopping around went to auction and got a six-figure advance. But I can’t make these things happen.
Priority #1 is to keep writing. If I’m not doing that, other goals are pretty much moot.
Priority #2 is to figure out some alternate options. It may be time to put more time and effort into self-publishing as a complement to my traditionally published work.
The biggest thing making me anxious is that I’m pretty much out of contract. The paperback of Terminal Peace comes out this year, but for the first time in about 15 years, I don’t have the security, the luxury, or the deadlines of a signed contract. In some ways, this is freeing: I can write whatever I want. But there’s no guarantee as to when things will see print. Submitting to the traditional publishers is a long, slow process…
From talking to other writers who’ve been doing this a while, I’ve learned that pretty much every career has its ups and downs. Personal, pandemic, and publisher issues have been a bit of a perfect storm for me these past few years, but I’m not going anywhere. After 27 years as a writer, I’m excited to see what comes next.
Wrap Up:
I hope this has been helpful. As always, feel free to share the post and/or ask questions.
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jqmalikhsgib · 6 months
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bloom
munson family timeline
*this is mostly for me because i suck ass when it comes to dates*
yn birthday 05/15/1999
eddie birthday 09/04/1998
-september 2016-
eddie: 18
yn: almost 18
yn finds out she’s pregnant and doesn’t know how to break it to her boyfriend. instead she confides in her dad
june 23rd 2017 baby aster wayne munson is born
the only baby boy <3
-november 2017-
eddie: almost 20
yn: 18
yn and eddie are adjusting as teen parents. with eddie working his ass off to graduate high school this time. yn finds out she’s having another baby
august 5th 2018 jasmine hope munson is born <3
-april 2020-
eddie: almost 22
yn: almost 21
covid outbreak happened which leaves everyone having to stay indoors. yn and eddie don’t have much else to do but watch their kids and well—she ends up pregnant again
january 24th 2021 lunaria morgan munson is born <3
-march 2021-
eddie: almost 24
yn: 22
eddie’s career slowly take off with corroded coffin! on occasion when he’s off doing shows, he brings yn along with the kids. the two of them are young, dumb, and having fun. leaving yn pregnant with baby #4 
december 25th 2021 lily belle munson’s born the same year as older sister lunaria <3
-may 2022-
eddie: almost 24
yn: 23
yn becomes a fashion icon! everyone loves her style. she soon signed to a modeling agency. too bad she and eddie get pregnant…AGAIN
february 14th 2023 poppy matilda munson and azalea love munson was born. eddie and yn final babies <3
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kdinjenzen · 2 years
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Feel free to not answer this but I was just wondering....
You have recently been talking about how much working with RT sucks, but you keep announcing projects you've recently done with them since you left the company. Why do you continue to work with them post-leaving?
Or did all of these occur before you left and they are only now coming out?
I’m assuming this isn’t a malicious ask and is just one that is mostly uninformed, so I’ll answer.
Animation, video games, etc take years to make. So there are things I worked on while I was still at Rooster Teeth that have NOT been released yet. That’s just kinda how things work.
Video games and animation take years to make, before you even see an announcement for something a project is likely half finished or more.
Such as: Voicing in BENEATH (came out post me leaving), Script Supervisor/Casting for RWBY: Arrowfell (came out yesterday), Script Supervisor for multiple Death Battle episodes, and Script Supervisor for RWBY 9 and the RWBY/JL stuff.
My work was done in 2020/2021 for RWBY Arrowfell, Beneath, V9, RWBY/JL, and DB. So if you see me credited for something, it was AGES ago that I worked on it.
Also, like I said, they didn’t credit me for my work so I’m kind of pissed off about it, AND it doesn’t even look like they credited the RT Anim 3D Team for any of the work they did on the cutscenes for Arrowfell at all.
Which, AGAIN, is par for the course because they STOPPED CREDITING THE PEOPLE WHO WORK ON RED VS BLUE as of the most recent seasons. Zero and FS were actually the ONLY two seasons to credit folks EVERY EPISODE for that series. Before that RvB didn’t credit properly and now it doesn’t credit AT ALL.
Additionally, I have stated many times that I openly refuse to reprise any roles for any RT series. And yes that includes RWBY and includes me saying “I will never voice May Marigold again”.
I have also mentioned this on my Twitch streams, multiple times, because folks don’t understand that production takes a very very very long time.
I will never, EVER, work on a Rooster Teeth project again. I will never work with any of the management, upper management, or higher ups at that company ever again.
To the folks who are still stuck there, doing the actual real work, being paid next to nothing, not being given proper benefits, and being forced to work long hours without any overtime pay, I say this:
I hope you find a new job soon, get out of there soon friends.
To those who were fans, like I was, who really dreamed of working at RT:
It was a nightmare beyond what you see being shared on social media. I mentioned that it was only “SOME” of what I went through, and the stories from others are just what they were comfortable sharing… there’s things we, as people who worked there, just don’t want to talk about because of how traumatic it was.
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sitp-recs · 2 years
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do you have any recs where draco is absolutely smitten with harry? i love your blog, thank you for doing an incredible job! <3
Thank you! I do have a few recs with smitten Draco, hope you enjoy:
Two Starts, One Finish by @lqtraintracks (2021, E, 5.4k)
I feel him before I see him. Nobody stands this close to me while I’m playing, and I’m about to turn to tell him so when he says, “You’re a tough bloke to track down,” and then leans against my baby grand.
Lovesick by @corvuscrowned (2022, T, 7.6k)
People keep spiking Auror Harry Potter with love potions. Healer Draco Malfoy keeps having to pick up the pieces.
And Back Again (Where You Belong) by eidheann (2014, E, 16k)
He thought back on their previous handshakes, and smiled faintly at the fact they always seemed to mean so much more to him than they did to Potter.
Whoo Knew? by oceaxe (2016, E, 18k)
Despite having had a crush on his Auror partner for years, Draco's been biding his time and waiting for the perfect opportunity to make his case. But when Harry subscribes to a new wizarding personals service, Draco gets a wake-up call.
The Courting by the Pureblood Who Only Has Five Milligrams of Romantic Intelligence and Thinks He’s Real Smooth by Cibee (2020, T, 19k)
Draco could grab Potter and shove him into a stall before proceeding to suck his soul out of his dick, but secretly, deep down, in the part of Draco that he will never admit to anyone, he is (everyone pauses to shudder) a romantic. Potter is not someone Draco wants a one-off with. Potter is — Draco’s beloved!
Watch The Castles Burn by @moonflower-rose (2021, E, 21k)
Draco Malfoy knows better than to get involved with Harry Potter. If only someone would have reminded him of that six months sooner, then maybe he wouldn't be in quite such a large mess.
Waiting By An Open Door by Femme and noeon (2017, E, 29k)
Draco starts following Potterwatch secretly during the War. He wishes Potter would come save him too. But that sort of thing only happens in fairy tales, and Malfoys don't get fairy tale endings, do they?
The Boy Who Only Lived Twice by lettered (2012, E, 54k)
Harry Potter is an Unspeakable. Draco Malfoy is the wizard who shagged him. Adventure! Intrigue! Secret identities, celebrities, spies! It's all right here, folks.
Finely Drawn Lines by @the-sinking-ship (2022, E, 61k)
Draco doesn’t consider himself an artist (though the dozens of sketchbooks lining his shelves might suggest differently). Yet ever since Potter returned to Hogwarts, accepting a teaching position alongside Draco, his drawings have taken on a rather singular focus.
Tea and No Sympathy by who_la_hoop (2014, E, 70k)
It's Potter's fault, of course, that Draco finds himself trapped in the same twenty-four-hour period, repeating itself over and over again.
The Light More Beautiful by firethesound (2014, E, 81k)
Thirteen years after Draco accepts Potter's help escaping the horror of his sixth year, he returns to England where he makes the unfortunate discovery that Potter is still as obnoxious as ever. And worse, more than a decade overseas hasn't been enough to dim Draco's obsession with him.
Soup-pocalypse and The Great Curry Cataclysm by SquadOfCats (2018, E, 104k)
Eleven years after the war, Draco Malfoy leads a quiet, boring, and perfectly respectable life, thanks very much. Or, at least he does, until a sudden and very unexpected veela awakening causes him to throw soup all over Harry Potter in the middle of the Ministry cafeteria.
Written on the Heart by who_la_hoop (2016, E, 113k)
Unnerved by the attention he’s attracting from everyone – the Slytherins are the least of it, to be fair – and struggling with a raft of changes to Hogwarts itself, Harry wishes he could be happy that one constant remains: Draco Malfoy really fucking hates him.
By the Grace by lettered (2020, T, 140k)
Harry is an Auror instructor. Malfoy wants to be an Auror.
Twist of Fate by Oakstone730 (2011, T, 300k)
Draco asks Harry to help him beat the Imperius curse during 4th year. The lessons turn into more than either expected. A story of redemption and forgiveness. Pairings: HP/DM (Slash) Timeframe: 1994-2002 Goblet to 4 yrs post-DH EWE Rating T for language, high angst, content.
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icekingofhope · 1 month
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so uh…this is late to talk about and this is different from what I usually post but I will explain as this is very long
(TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS OF DARK TOPICS )
so back in 2020 if you didn’t know there was these new Minecraft YouTubers this group of friends most notable ones are dream georgenotfound tommyinnit and more many referred to the group as a dreamsmp due to their popular series with the same title
I didn’t get into the hype cause of the fans were really toxic although I did see clips and such and the person who I felt more connected to was technoblade but it didn’t convince me to watch but then at 2021 it was announced that technoblade had cancer…and that treatment has been unsuccessful honestly despite barely knowing anything about him I was scared for him and had hope he managed to survive although in June 2022 he had died.
it was depressing news and many people decided to make tributes of art animation and more to honor him I was scared to say anything about it as I didn’t know if I should
until one day my best friend @gardenofdismay / @may-is-still-a-pain who was a ex dreamsmp fan and me were talking about dreamsmp how it was ashame most of the creators were found out to be toxic but we also talked mostly about technoblade and how it sucked that he died then my friend suggested me to watch it I had decided to listen and I loved the videos they were fun very entertaining more entertaining then modern or hell entertaining then old YouTubers I watched Yet it still hurt knowing he died and I wished I had watched him sooner so I decided to make it up by making this tribute by making this art piece and this small little speech
but if I were to have a regret I wished I could have known him sooner watched him sooner I regret it and it upsets me seeing how this amazing human being was killed by cancer no one deserves such a fate and I wished that he was still here with us
But… unfortunately he isn’t but aleast I know one day we will see him again as goodbyes are never forever
even if he doesn’t see this I hope he does see this in spirit
technoblade you were a amazing person you inspired a lot of people and I hope wherever you are in spirit your safe and sound and happy you deserved so much better and I’m sorry I never got to look into your content sooner but I’m so glad to know you now
better then late then never I hope we get to see you again someday
and I hope a cure for cancer will be find out and that it burns in the deepest pits of hell as it took many good beings from this earth
now that’s all for now thank you for reading this
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thimblediaries · 2 years
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It’s been so long.
Hey, it’s been so long since I’ve updated this blog.
Anyway, just droppin’ by to say I’m alive. It’s more than 3 years already since the pandemic started and I thank God that I’m still breathing. The last post I had on this blog was “Out of Shape”, that was me reflecting on how I gained weight and how it doesn’t make me happy at all. I’ve moved back to my apartment November of 2020 because of work and apartment concerns. So back to living without the fam.
So what happened for the past few years?
Weight loss journey.
Church community.
New Hobby & community.
Mental health.
Work stuff.
Wardrobe update.
Loving myself.
Weight Loss Journey
I tried to loose some weight, it was quite a successful one. I started mid November of 2020 from 139 lbs I lost a couple of pounds which I’m happy since I can already wear my clothes, zip up my pants without the feeling of squeezing it in and fast forward to now, I’m trying to maintain my weight, as long as I’m within 121 - 125 lbs., I’m already good with that. I don’t do gym anymore. I just focused on my calorie intake and been in love with yoga and just adding a bit of HIIT workout at home.
Church Community
Ever since I went back to living alone, I’ve been craving for church community but for some reason it just didn’t work out for me since most of the time connect groups were done in a physical setup and since I don’t go to church physically like pre-pandemic, I’ve been preferring online services and I don’t do church related physical meetups / get together from 2020 to 2021, maybe that’s why it didn’t workout well.
New Hobby & Community
I have been immersed in this new hobby of collecting anime figures (can be playable as well). I created a social media account for that since I started receiving invites and even messages from some folks in my personal social media about “Insurance” or them “borrowing for money”. There’s even a point where some do the ‘guilt-trippin stuff’ like “you don’t have some spare money, but you can buy toys?”. It’s seriously annoying so after that I ended up not posting any stuff related to this new hobby.
On a brighter side, since I created a separate social media account for this hobby, I started meeting people with the same hobby as I do! It was fun discussing with folks anything related to this hobby with these folks and I honestly enjoy it. It took quite a while but seriously it made me forget that it’s still pandemic. 
Mental Health
Afaik, I’m currently stable but yes, I constantly talk to a shrink because I felt like there’s just no one to talk to. I don’t have really friends who I can be vulnerable with so I just settled talking to a shrink - at least it’s being kept professionally (I hope). Tho really, there are times that I had troubles with myself, some are quite triggering and some well... self pity I guess. I’d say 2021 was the worst for my mental health and fast forward to now, I’m still in the process of trying to cope up.
Work Stuff
I actually moved to a different team mid-2021 and I’m currently in between of regretting and being grateful to it but really, I don’t see myself growing for quite some time now in my career. I want a change to that, I even discussed this with the upper management but it just looks like there’s not much of projects currently. Still, I am grateful that I do have a job which is my source of income. I just hope sooner or later we’ll have more projects to work on or even opportunities since I’m starting to feel like I’m one of those who don’t give that much value to the team which sucks really. 
Wardrobe Update
I’m slowly trying to transition my wardrobe to basic clothing, those without prints. I even prefer neutral tone colors for quite some time now. 
Loving Myself
I honestly used to be hard on myself whenever I did something wrong but fast forward to now I’m trying to slowly be understanding with myself. It takes time tho but yeah hopefully sooner or later it would be easier already for me to do so.
So that’s a quick update on myself for the past years.
/M
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1kook · 4 years
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A COLLECTION  [ updated: 8 . 23 . 21 ]
— STATUS ONGOING — NO REPOSTS — ASKS under #ncouple ! — Copyright © 2021, 1kook on tumblr
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—NETFLIX & CHILL.
summary If you planned things right, you could rain down your raging displeasure on Jeon Jungkook right after the meal but before this proposed ‘Netflix and chilling,’ maybe dramatically throw your glass of wine at him, before storming out of his place and reporting him to the authorities (Namjoon) for his douchebag personality.  warnings smut in the forms of grinding, oral (f), cum eating, vanilla unprotected sex, dirty talk misc use of the oldest trick in the book (“your hands are sooo big”), shy oblivious AND gentleman jk? pick a struggle, brief ment of app developer kook, evil and conniving oc  word count 10.2k  posted june 12, 2020
—HULU & WOOHOO.
summary But there’s more important matters to attend to than Jungkook’s Jersey Shore boner. warnings slight feelings of insecurity, smut in the forms of fingering, cunnilingus, cum eating, squirting, hand jobs, unprotected sex, riding, slight praise kink  misc if you’re not a Jersey shore fan honestly GET OUT, mentions of capitalism😡, more kind/understanding kook, basically a “what are we?” fic but silly, irresponsible emailing habits, its so dumb just read word count 6.3k posted july 4, 2020
—IMAX & CLIMAX.
summary The occasional dark horse candidate among Barbie movie binges— Jungkook gets weirdly horny and fucks you to the tune of a classic Barbie movie soundtrack. warnings smut in the form of blowjobs, tit play, praise kink, standing sex, unprotected sex, reverse cowgirl (? kinda), daddy kink that morphs into ily kink misc  jk is an avid history channel viewer, jk hates Barbie movies ik we took an L today girls 😔, jk goes thru like 4 personality changes (commanding > soft > mean > in love), honestly idk what to tag it’s a mess, he’s still cheesy and romantic but also 👀 just read word count 9.8k posted august 5, 2020
—KISSANIME & FOREPLAY.
summary You get a glimpse of the KissAnime screen for a good two seconds before about seven ads pop up. Another tab to a raunchy hentai website opens, and Jungkook groans. warnings mentions of hentai, smut in the forms of cunnilingus, masturbation (f), oral (f), use of a sex toy, fingering, nipple play, face sitting/fucking/riding idk (f), praise kink, hints of dumbification, cum eating, jk is like passive aggressive in this one, 4 (f) orgasms, this is the kicker: sub kook at the end😳, like 2 sec of dom yn lol, & u get 0.002 sec of adams apple kink misc more dumb story lines, made up sex stores bc my creativity knows no bounds, Jungkook plays nice but is actually mean for the majority of it, once again doyeon plays a pivotal role in the furthering of women empowerment, internal love monologues about jk best boy<3 word count 8.2k posted september 1, 2020
—DISNEY+ & BUST.
summary There’s a pounding on your door a little past noon, so hard and rough, that you almost think it’s the police finally coming to catch you for all your years of illegally pirating Phineas and Ferb. It’s not. It’s just a really drunk boyfriend wailing for your forgiveness at the door.   warnings arguments, feelings of insecurity, bit of asshole jk, smut in the forms of humiliation, dumbification, choking, fingering, spit kink, self punishment (? idk lol), unprotected but [ passionate ] sex, jk losing his cool, the return of mean jk, desperate jk, he is actually an emotional mess in this one wtf misc angst, anniversaries, the L word😳, app developer kook, rip ‘pretty girl’ </3, we all become phineas and ferb stans word count 13k posted september 9, 2020
—ESPN & BDSM.
summary You would like to personally thank every loud-mouthed, ESPN commentator out there for saving you from Jungkook’s dangerous seduction skills.   warnings smut in the forms of brief femdom, handcuffs, nipple clamps, blindfolding, flogging/use of a riding crop, soft dom kook, cunnilingus, spitting, unprotected but passionate, degradation, as always it starts horny n then turns into I love u kink misc kook has a swollen ankle so idk how he did all this, jk abuses the fuck outta pet names part 7, revenge gone wrong tbh, this was honestly a beginner’s intro to vanilla bdsm word count 12.7k posted september 14, 2020
—YOUTUBE & USE LUBE.
summary You can’t believe this is Jungkook’s preferred sick day treatment; YouTube, cuddles, and an ugly amount of lube. warnings smut in the forms of nipple play, handjobs, spit kink, face riding, unprotected, flavored warming lube, riding, praise kink, soft femdom, missionary bc his eyes are pretty, tit sucking, tit fucking, more jk has an impreg kink, oh and this is all subby kook misc domesticity baby!! fluff, soft scenes /.\, jk is sick:((, doyeon is A Doctor, yn sees an opportunity and she grabs it, surprise ending <3 word count 8.7k   posted september 30, 2020
—VIKI & HICKEYS.
summary Just like in those Viki dramas Jungkook likes, the world around you is enveloped in shades of pink and red, kisses and hearts, so many goddamn roses it makes you sneeze. It’s absolutely perfect— nothing could possibly go wrong when there’s so much love in the air.   warnings a little hurt + a lot of comfort, mentions of cheating!villain!jin, insecure!kook, emotional breakdowns, mentions of jk’s lonely past, jk cries :( smut in the forms of making out, eating out, fingering, clit play, hickeys, jk likes cum, double orgasm, squirting, tiny praise kink, blindfolding, rough + unprotected sex, doggy style, choking!!!, breeding/impreg kink, JEALOUS KOOK, mini hand kink, a lil bit of spanking, degradation, he gets progressively meaner lol oc cries, jk is a good boy n I want him to be happy   misc there’s a lot of fuckin plot omfg -_-, it’s Valentine’s Eve!, doyeon makes Some Points, mentions of park seojoon juicy ass, they go on a d8 😳, oc like rlly wants to marry him, oc commits double phone homicide word count 16.3k posted january 14, 2021
—PEACOCK & SWEET TALK.
summary “I wanna watch Solange in Bring It On,” Jungkook smiles, and you have to wonder who exactly this blond man is and what he did with your teen-movie-hating boyfriend.   warnings smut in the forms of kissing, cunnilingus (eating out + fingering), light praise, a lil body worship, jk fat cawk, brief nipple play, playful jk, unprotected sex, riding and missionary, the jk hand kink, I love you kink, jk wants nudes, jk’s cheerleader fantasies mentioned, spit kink, light choking, jk has like a scent kink (?), mention of collars and pet play misc app developer jk becomes even MORE app developer-y, oc is anti-google, there's plot, a 2 year anniversary, Solange knowles appreciation, BLOND JK!!!, gets sappy for a sec, seahorse marriage mention, doyeon x joon side pairing, jk is disgustingly dreamy and oc is threatened by that fact word count 10.7k posted march 23, 2021
— CRUNCHYROLL & RAIL.
summary Never mind the fact you really like Sailor Moon, or that you really want to pay attention to every little detail; the moment becomes Jungkook and his big smile and his red cheeks and the tiny box he produces from within his pocket. warnings smut in the forms of making out, jk nipple play, some 69 action, cunnilingus, blowjobs, brief choking, jk trying his best to listen to oc but he doesn’t rlly :/, fingering, missionary bc his eyes are pretty, unprotected fuckin raw, its romantic but when is it not… misc fluffy and domestic <3, weekend getaway <3, the Big Question, shy jk, sailor moon supremacy, jk makes this big elaborate speech about the sun and moon, mentions of 240p YouTube quality word count 8.7k posted may 21, 2021
—FUNIMATION & PROCREATION.
summary Never mind your upcoming wedding, this was perhaps the greatest moment of your life— the day Jungkook sought out an anime on his own. warnings kissing, smut in the forms of cunnilingus, cum eating, mentions of anal, doggy style, unprotected sex with the intention of pregnancy, spitting, hand holding<3 misc the wedding night, Doyeon strikes again, jjk watches  jjk, oh no not twins word count 9.1k posted july 31, 2021
—BOOMERANG AND BANG. 
coming soon
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—COOKIES & CREAM.
summary Jungkook will watch a thousand cheesy Christmas movies if it meant making you happy. (And maybe having his dick sucked.) warnings smut in the form of blowjobs, face fucking, cum facials, fingering, overstim, double orgasm, r*mantic sex, riding, unprotected, cream pies, jk does this weird thing where he licks her face yeah idk, jk loves seeing his gf cry, jk has an obsession with jizz   misc jk pov !!, eggnog slander, jk hates xmas movies, oc dresses like a sexy mrs claus, Elf !!, jk is in loooove word count 7.1k posted december 23, 2020
— TUTUS & TIARAS.
summary your first pregnancy through the lens of your husband warnings smut in the forms of penetrative sex, sex while pregnant, unprotected sex, tit play, cunnilingus, mutual masturbation, sticking the tip in and jacking off/cockwarming?, creampies, nose kink (? like she grinds against his nose), infatuation with scent, frottage/grinding, lactation kink, titluvr jk [bass boosted] misc married ncouple <3, domesticity, jk pov, mood swings, pregnancy, GIRLDAD!JK, DILF!JK, pregnant!reader, jk’s kids are virgos its true  word count 10k posted august 23, 2021
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— one.
summary Maybe Jungkook wasn’t always as cool and composed as you initially believed. But that’s okay, because you love him all the same.  word count 1.3k posted September 10, 2020
—two.
summary Even after all these years, all these doubts, and all this solitude that was really no one’s fault but his own, he still finds himself hoping that maybe you’ll be the one. word count 1k posted september 11, 2020
—three.
summary But Jungkook loves the sun. word count 1.5k posted september 12th, 2020
—four.
summary For the last ten minutes or so his mind has been bothered by one thing and one thing only— the hair that hung in his face. word count 800 words posted september 22, 2020
—five.
summary Startled and inexperienced, he can’t do anything but rub his hands over your back. “It’s fine, it’s fine,” he murmurs, even though it’s not. word count 1.3k posted september 22, 2020
—six.
SUMMARY Jungkook enjoyed pushing you down, indulging you in all your little fantasies, but he too had some he wanted to live out. WC 1.8k POSTED september 25, 2020
—seven.
summary And lastly, Jungkook will bring it full circle by indulging you two in some good old fashion spooky sex where he nuts inside you because the only thing scarier than a scary movie is a pregnancy scare. It’s a perfect plan. word count 2k posted october 30, 2020
—eight.
summary You always do this— always ask for more. You take and you take until there’s nothing left for Jungkook to give. But Jungkook is the same.   word count 1.9k posted december 28, 2020
—nine.
summary “I think that, like— me and you? We’re like, totally destined,” you ramble, “you should, like, take my number! And maybe we can, like— Netflix and chill one of these days?” word count 2.2k posted january 8 2021
—ten.
summary See, there’s no one in this world who ignores his house rules more than you. Even worse, there’s no one on this planet who can make Jungkook ignore his own rules like you do. word count 1.4k posted february 14, 2021
—eleven.
summary You’re too bright, too… there. His shell is too small. word count 1.2k posted may 3, 2021
—twelve.
summary Anyway, if it was up to Jungkook, Kim Doyeon would not be a member of the Engagement Ring Committee. word count 1.4k posted may 8th, 2021
—thirteen.
summary Because for as much shit as you let him get away with, Jungkook is certain you’ll draw the line today.   word count 1k posted june 13, 2021
—fourteen.
summary Jungkook needs you to know that you can always count on him. word count 1.3k posted july 6, 2021
—fifteen.
summary It’s Jungkook’s teenage fantasy— being pushed down by a cheerleader. word count 3.1k posted august 9, 2021
— sixteen.
summary Your skin is warm and smells like sunshine. Jungkook can’t really explain it. (And also like the sunscreen you had doused him in earlier, but that isn’t as romantic.) word count 1.9K posted august 11, 2021
—seventeen.
summary She looks his way and suddenly Jungkook is nineteen again, in his dorm, listening to the first person he ever thought he loved telling him he’s too much to handle. word count 1.6k posted august 18, 2021
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beautiful banners made for series!
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cute and cozy gif by the lovely @ladyartemesia​ 
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LASTLY: 
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soren-bleu-kun · 4 years
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Fic Wrap Up.
*feel free to ignore this if I tagged you 
This is going to be my own fic wrap up, my first one ever because this was the birth of my Ao3 account, so all of my fics are from this year. I’ll try to keep things concise, but it’ll still be pretty long. I will do this in the form of a Read More after the first few fics. There are over 90, I’ll try to go alphabetically. 
All of them are from the same fandom, BnHA, so that’s nice. More gen fics, less romance. Most of them are for series, events, other people’s aus - and I’ll make sure to share all of that when I share each fic, especially because some of the events are probably repeats and this is a little bit like free marketing [only tagging them once because that would get obnoxious, especially for the weekly event things I did]. Other than that, I hope you all enjoy and may 2021 suck slightly less. 
Heads up for angst, whump, some ships, and manga spoilers 
A Breathing Silence - Gen, 3K. Shirakumo survives his internship, but at the price of his hearing. His friends do their best to help him through it [for @badthingshappenbingo] 
A Common Room Conversation - Gen, 2K. Midoriya realizes that he has some questions for his mentor during winter break. [for @tunafishprincess’ Dads For Deku Week that I still need to finish, whoops] 
A Confession and A Dance - TodoDeku, 4K. Midoriya and Todoroki just going to the school dance as friends doesn’t last very long 
After Hours - ShinDeku, 1K. Model Shinsou goes on his first date with a photographer he works with sometimes, and worries that he’s going to be horrifically awkward about it [for OTPtober run by DigitalPopsicle, AU by. @amandasmurfee] 
Amend - EraserMight, 1.5K. Yagi and Aizawa have been arguing for the last few days. Aizawa finds himself forgiving his partner in order to help him. [for @erasermight-week] 
Bedside Manner - EraserMight, 2K. Yagi ends up in the hospital and hopes for better days [for @/erasermight-week] 
Bravery Test - DustBunny, 2K. Though the two aren’t together in this one, this fic features hero student Tenko Shimura having a crush on his much cooler classmate, Rumi Usagiyama. [for DustBunny Week on Twitter] 
Broken Glass - [FAN FAVORITE] Gen, 1K. A young Keigo Takami finds himself wandering the streets of Musutafu in this fic where he seems to have glitched through time [for @/hawksweek2020] 
Can’t Say No - CloudMic, 2K. Despite the fact that Yamada hates the beach, he can’t help but agree to go when his crush asks him [for CloudMic Week on Twitter] 
Caramel Coffee & Phone Numbers - [FAN FAVORITE] ShinDeku, 1K. This fic features an AU where instead of going to UA at all, Shinsou ends up as a barista [for @shindekumonth] 
Codependence - EraserMic, 1K. Yamada realizes that he feels unfulfilled in his relationship but doesn’t know how to leave. [for @whumptober2020] 
Concerns and Collapse - Gen, 1K. Yagi is ignoring his health because of his hubris and it doesn’t end well [for @/badthingshappenbingo] 
Chronic - [FAN FAVORITE] ShinDeku, 1.5K. Midoriya is ignoring his pain because he has homework to do. Shinsou is having none of it [for @/whumptober2020] 
Date Night - ShinDeku, 1K. As pro heroes, they don’t get a lot of time to spend together. Might as well do what they can [for @/shindekumonth] 
Disguises - Gen, 1K. In an AU where Tokoyami does end up being taken alongside Bakugou, Todoroki feels responsible for getting him back 
Foggy Recollection - Gen, 2K. In a world where Shirakumo lives but Aizawa ends up dying at USJ, he and Yamada are just trying to pick up the pieces [for CloudMic Week on Twitter] 
Forgotten Birthday - Gen, 1K. When Sero breaks his record of perfect attendance with no explanation, Aizawa goes to figure out if something is wrong [for @dadzawa-week-2020] 
For the Morning - [FAN FAVORITE] ShinDeku, 1K. Shinsou knows that he shouldn’t have snuck into his boyfriend’s dorm room for morning cuddles, but he couldn’t help himself [for OTPtober on Twitter] 
Good Morning, Koda - Gen, 1K. Aizawa recognizes the anxiety in one of his students, and goes about trying to help quietly [for @/dadzawa-week-2020] 
Go Fish - Gen, 1K. Aoyama doesn’t spend a lot of time with people, but for Midoriya he’ll make an exception [for @dekusquadweek] 
Gravel and Back Alleys - Gen, 2K. Shigaraki doesn’t understand why a hero keeps letting him go. Guess he’ll just have to find out for himself [personally not too proud of this one, heh] [for DustBunny Week on Twitter] 
Harmonizing Colors - [FAN FAVORITE] EraserMight, 1K. When Yagi finds his emotions not acting the way he wants them to, he knows that he has to find another outlet - and to keep it a secret [for @/erasermight-week] 
Indecision - TodoChako, 2K. Todoroki knows that he shouldn’t be fornicating with the enemy in this future au, but he can’t help himself. He misses her [for TodoChako Week on Twitter] 
In the Grey - [FAN FAVORITE] Gen, 1K. Midoriya finds himself going home to an empty house, feeling rather cold [for @/dekusquadweek] 
In the Rain - CloudMic, 2K. After the national hero rankings let out, Shirakumo and Yamada find their way home has been kind of ruined and have to walk together to the train station [for CloudMic Week on Twitter] 
In the Teacher’s Lounge - EraserMight, 1K. Aizawa and Yagi spend some time together after classes [for OTPtober and based off of this art by @theoutspokenrodent] 
Last Word - [FAN FAVORITE] ShinDeku, 1K. Midoriya has hanahaki and never had the chance to tell Shinsou [for @/shindekumonth] 
Late Night Chamomile - Gen, 1K. Yaoyorozu is having a hard night and her teacher doesn’t want to leave her alone with the nightmares [for @/dadzawa-week-2020] 
Lessons in English and Subtlety - CloudMic, 2K. Shirakumo is having a hard time focusing on his work with Yamada right there [for CloudMic Week on Twitter] 
Light the Candles, Not the Cake - EraserCloud, 1K. Aizawa forgot that it was Shirakumo’s birthday in this AU where he lives, and he’s hurrying to make up for it [for OTPtober] 
Little Blue Teacups - Gen, 1K. Todoroki needs some help getting rid of something and he asks Uraraka for help [for @/dekusquadweek] 
Locked Up - Gen, 1K. Shinsou likes hiding himself away, which is great until he finds a place he can’t get out of [for @/shindekumonth] 
Looking Out - Gen, 6K. Aizawa starts looking out for Yagi when he finds out that the man is being stalked and it brings out some of his darker side [written because an event rejected me! Thanks guys, this has the most comments out of every fic I’ve ever written! Also for @/badthingshappenbingo] 
Lying Together - EraserMight, 1.5K. Yagi and Aizawa learning how to operate together in all things, but especially sleep [for @/erasermight-week] 
Middle of the Night - Gen, 1K. Just something about Iida checking in on Midoriya [for @/dekusquadweek] 
Missing Gears - EraserMight, 10K. In an AU where Yagi never gets OFA, he becomes a support course student, who later in life works with Aizawa - an old high school friend [for @erasermight-bigbang] 
Nana’s Cape - Gen, 2K. In a role swap au, Tenko Shimura is trying to find his grandmother’s cape, taken by villains just to mess with him [for DustBunny Week on Twitter] 
New Directions - Gen, 1K. Giran finds a young Touya Todoroki on the street and decides to help the kid out 
Not the First to Say - Gen, 1K. Todoroki finds Yaoyorozu the night before her birthday, feeling down. They have a talk. [for @todomomoweek2020] 
Ocean Air - Gen, 3K. Todoroki has never stepped foot into the ocean to and he’s got some thoughts abut it [for TodoChako Week on Twitter] 
Old Memories, New Rivals - Gen, 1.5K. In which Shinsou remembers a young Midoriya [for @/shindekumonth]
One Night Off - ShinDeku, 1K. For once these two pro heroes have time for each other without forcing it to happen [for OTPtober] 
On Repeat - Gen, 1K. Shirakumo has been reliving the same day over for forever, and is finally just waking up [for @/whumptober2020] 
On the Battlefield - Gen, 1K. Dabi stops someone from bleeding out, just in case he needs them later 
Over the Phone - EraserMight, 1.5K. Aizawa has a hard time falling asleep without Yagi there with him [for @/erasermight-week] 
Painful Decisions - TodoMomo, 1K. On their anniversary, Yaoyorozu realizes she doesn’t actually love him [for @/todomomoweek2020] 
Prom Night - CloudMic, 2K. Shirakumo and Yamada skip out on their special night at school to have a special night for the two of them [for CloudMic Week on Twitter] 
Promise - EraserCloud, 1K. Aizawa gets hurt and doesn’t tell Shirakumo 
Proposal - EraserCloud, 1.5K. Wedding night for Aizawa and Shirakumo, just some softness 
Rough Patrol - EraserCloud, 1.5K. Aizawa gets hurt during patrol and doesn’t warn Shirakumo until later 
Rubble - Gen, 1K. Yagi watches his successor bury himself in rubble, and despite the fact that the boy is a pro hero now, he can’t help but go off and try to find him [for @/badthingshappenbingo] 
Ruining Movie Night - EraserMic, 1K. Sometimes Aizawa just needs to let his emotions out, and sometimes he doesn’t know when that’s going to happen [for @/whumptober2020] 
Running on Empty - Gen, 2K. Uraraka forgot to get food before Todoroki showed up for a study session and she’s hungry 
Sapporo Snow Festival - Gen, 1K. Todoroki runs into Yaoyorozu when he wasn’t expecting it but it ends surprisingly well [for @t/odomomoweek2020] 
Scientifically Proven to be Pointless - Gen, 1K. AFO as a young lad, trying to help his younger brother with his illness [for AFOtober, run by AFOzine on Twitter] 
Scrambled Eggs - CloudMic, 2K. When Aizawa dies, Shirakumo and Yamada go through with making an agency [for CloudMic Week on Twitter] 
Sitting in the Rain - Gen, 1K. Sometimes Tsu likes to sit in the rain. Today she doesn’t have to sit alone [from @aconstantstateofbladerunner’s list of prompts found here] 
Small Grievances - Gen, 1K. When Aizawa dies, the rest of the rooftop gang mourns [for @/whumptober2020] 
Snow and the Kitchen Drawer - Gen, 1K. Sometimes Yamada hates himself for choices he didn’t make [for CloudMic Week on Twitter] 
Something Like Eisoptrophobia - Gen, 1K. There’s this little fear that the Voice Hero has never gotten over before [for @/whumptober2020] 
Studying Together - TodoMomo, 1K. In this College AU, Todoroki hates biology. At least right now he isn’t going through it alone [for @/todomomoweek2020] 
Stumbling - Gen, 1K. Midoriya runs into Shinsou at a hero con [for @shindekumonth] 
Sunday Morning - [FIST FIC] EraserMic, 1K. Just something soft for two pro heroes on a rainy day 
Surprise Call - A young Shigaraki is glad to hear from AFO, as rare as it might be [for AFOtober] 
Tensei’s Meal - Gen, 1K. In the aftermath of his older brother getting hospitalized by the hero killer, Iida has to be reminded to eat [for @dadzawa-week-2020] 
The Aftermath - EraserMight, 1K. After Nighteye dies, Yagi has some feelings he has to process [for @/erasermight-week] 
The Business Card - ShinMono, 1K. In this College AU, Shinsou is just trying to ignore the noises of other people in the dorms and runs into someone quite eccentric [for @shinmonoweek] 
The Car Ride - Gen, 1K. Shinsou getting out of therapy and being absolutely exhausted [for @/dekusquadweek] 
The Last Halloween - Gen, 3K. A surprisingly soft DFO story from when Midoriya was little [for @/tunafishprincess’ Dad For One Halloween event] 
The Little Matryoshka Doll - Gen, 1K. From a time when they were younger, a small Yaoyorozu looks for her little friend at an adult party, not knowing that something’s happened to him [for @/todomomoweek2020] 
The Nightly Watch - Gen, 1K. Eri has had some nightmares so Aizawa is staying with her for a bit [for @/dadzawa-week-2020] 
The Pause Button - EraserMic, 1K. Yamada gets injured while working and can’t talk for a few days 
The Waiting Room - [FAN FAVORITE] Gen, 2K. When Yagi ends up in the hospital and Midoriya goes to see him, he runs into Tsukauchi in the hospital [for @/tunafishprincess’ Dads for Deku event] 
They Were Roommates - ShinCahko, 9K, ongoing. Shinsou and Uraraka ended up becoming roommates because of the cheap rent and it has some unforeseen consequences [for @shinchakoweek] 
Things Will Get Better - ShinDeku, 1K. Midoriya loses something vital to him and Shinsou is there to help him [for @/shindekumonth] 
Three Little Rings - EraserCloudMic, 5.5K. Shirakumo wants to propose to his partners but he doesn’t know how it would work for them [for CloudEraserMic Week on Twitter] 
Through the Haze - EraserMight/EraserCloud, 1K. Aizawa starts seeing things when he gets too sick and Yagi doesn’t have the heart to correct him [for @/whumptober2020] 
Under the Maples - Gen, 1K. Shinsou was just planning on going for a bike ride, not running into weird hero course kids [for @/shinmonoweek] 
Under the Same Roof - Gen, 1K. Once upon a time, the original OFA user and his brother lived in the same house and things were very tense [for AFOtober on Twitter] 
Waiting to Say Hello - Gen, 1K. In an alternative universe where Hawks has anxiety, his meeting with the number one hero goes a little differently [for @/hawksweek2020] 
Winning the Bet - [FAN FAVORITE] Gen, 2K. When Yamada is forced to make a bet about who he thinks will break first during finals week, he doesn’t admit that he’s actually won [for @/tunafishprincess’ Dads for Deku Week event] 
Visiting Hours - Gen, 1K. Villain Todoroki finds himself going to see an old friend of his during a snowstorm [for @/todomomoweek2020] 
Walking Back - EraserMight, 1.5K. When Yagi thinks that Aizawa looks too tired to get back to the dorms on his own, he does his best to help him. It ends with a bit of a shock [for OTPtober] 
Warranted Interruptions - Gen, 1K. Monoma and Aizawa don’t interact often, which is fine with the both of them - but that doesn’t mean that Aizawa can ignore when someone is hurting [for @/dadzawa-week-2020] 
Winter Home - TodoMomo, 1K. Todoroki ends up going with Yaoyorozu on a family vacation and feels welcomed [for @/todomomoweek2020] 
I hope you guys like them, and thanks for taking the time to read all the way down here, if you did. This took most of the night, ha. If you read any of them, I’d love like... a kudos. Statistics bring me down, you, so keeping the 1 : 10 ratio for more of these fics would be awesome 
New Year’s Resolution  : Write more Quality, not Quantity. More DadMight, maybe post some of my other longer stories. Don’t make every request something to post. 
366 notes · View notes
sitp-recs · 3 years
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(Perfect artwork for Modern Love, by @cambiodipolvere)
Today is the day of one of my favorite people! And I totally resent @tackytigerfic and Starry for almost sharing the same birthday, god the STRESS 😂 Tacky is my first and closest fandom friend. We clicked together so fast and easy that sometimes it feels like I’ve known her all my life, like we’re two dog moms living in the same neighborhood who happen to read fic in their free time. Despite our conflicting time zones and crazy schedules we manage to chat every other day, tagging and sending each other all kinds of stuff, coming together to cry scream about a brilliant fic we’ve just read or shaking our heads in embarrassment at every other unnecessary bullshit post. Tacky’s bright and wise energy uplifts my spirit even on my moody days, and makes me grateful for her friendship and for this fandom life. Okay so this got long and I had to put the rest under the cut:
It’s such a lovely and precious thing, to have someone with whom you can share every single thought that crosses your mind, your scariest, most embarrassing, petty or disturbing idea, without fear of being shamed or judged by it. I trust Tacky with all my heart to hear me out, share a joke or a piece of advice, even on the (rare) occasions when we don’t get the same perspective - that doesn’t happen often when it comes to Drarry, as we are taste twins!
Tacky my darling, you’re such a good person, and such an incredible friend. Thank you for introducing me to this lovely community, for being my safe haven and your unique self, with so many qualities I admire and feel inspired by: kind, witty, earnest, wise, and so very human. I love your humour and empathy, and your chill yet no-nonsense personality; I love your talent and how articulated you are; I love your passion for Drarry, and how you let this emotion inform the way you navigate the fandom and create for it. And god, but you’ve been creating some of the most beautiful content I’ve seen in these recent years! I’m permanently in awe of your ability to write Drarry in any shape, format or length, transforming even the most ordinary moment into an extraordinary and meaningful piece of character or relationship development. You know how you mentioned yesterday that some authors change the way you feel about a ship in a deep, definitive way? Well, you are that author for me. Your works made me fall in love with M-rated contemplative romance, and also allowed me to fall in love with Harry in a way I never thought it was possible before.
Some people - myself included - got to know you through the fun and intriguing A Lick and a Promise, others through the atmospheric and sensitive Modern Love, others through your contemplative and heartbreaking short form. Each story has its merits and purpose, and all of them share a Tacky trademark: the heartkick factor! Your talent has no limits and goes across different genres and tropes, that you explore with a bold twist full of personality and heart. And even more impressive is your consistency at always raising the bar - every new fic of yours becomes an instant fave and makes me think “wow I thought Tacky couldn’t get better yet here we are”. Seeing how your writing evolves as you find your narrative voice is a beautiful and humbling experience, I feel so lucky!
I’m really grateful for being active in the fandom at this moment in time, because that allows me to read and engage with your brilliant work, and to have you as a dear friend. I can’t wait to see what comes out of your beautiful brain next. It was an impossible job choosing a single fic to rec today, so I decided to do a belated Tacky reclist! Naturally these are my personal and biased must-reads, and I urge everyone to go check these beauties right now. Feel free to include your own favorites too, and don’t forget to leave them some appreciation.
Happy happy birthday my darling Tacky! This fandom life wouldn’t be the same without you. I hope you have the amazing day you deserve!
Between the Power Lines (2020, M, 3.2k)
The road trip fic you didn’t know you needed. I got utterly immersed in the heartbreaking quietness of this, feeling like a witness to an ordinary yet poignant love story. Such tender intimacy, such character development, such lovely American aesthetics with barely any dialogue. This is, IMO, the fic that reveals Tacky’s triumph in storytelling.
Even the Night (2020, M, 3.4k)
This fic has a surreal atmosphere, those Midsummer vibes unbelievably sexy and intoxicating linked to the sensorial experience of fumbling together in the night. Masterclass in tension building, a silky and languid dream-like affair.
Aim for my Heart (2021, M, 3.4k) - Harry/Draco/Ron
One of the most sensitive and stunning portraits I’ve ever seen of a poly/triad relationship, this fic packs so much character and longing! It’s a privilege to watch Ron and Draco’s tentative dynamics through the smitten eyes of the one person that loves them like no one else: Harry.
The Long Fall (2021, M, 3.6k)
I can’t even write about this tender domesticity without getting a lump in my throat. Best opening scene I’ve read in years, and a refreshing way to approach both mpreg and parenthood, painfully honest and lovely. This became an immediate comfort read for me, and it’s probably one of the fics I revisit the most.
Mortal Frame (2021, M, 6.6k)
This thrilling, fast-paced spy story left me breathless since the first paragraph, gods what an immersive ride! I’m so here for Drarry on the run, sharp and urgent with danger but mellowed by the silent trust and tender intimacy only Tacky can master. Major bonus points for the brilliant take on the Horcrux hunt plot line!
Last Offices (2020, M, 6.7k)
Oh, this fic 💔 I tend to avoid MCD but there’s something so deeply fascinating about body washing rituals that I caught myself mesmerized by this. I just couldn’t put it down, so emotionally compromised I felt. There’s a sort of strange comfort in the heartbreak of doing one last act of service out of devotion to someone. This fic inspired so many difficult but lovely feelings in me, and one of them was hope. Only Tacky could possibly achieve that!
Our Little Life (2020, M, 7.2k)
Inventive and singular, this story hit me straight on the solar plexus and left me speechless as I saw the (clever, magical and bittersweet) plot unravel. Such a fabulous take on alternate universes and all the angst potential behind it. Come and bask in the yearning melancholia of a short yet intricate and perfectly executed plot.
And One to Play (2019, E, 21k)
What a fun and delightful fic, I can’t have enough of pining Harry losing all sense of propriety when faced with a hot, competent and pragmatic Draco. This has fab dynamics, unhinged protectiveness, even more unhinged attraction between two idiots who can’t keep their hands off each other. A must-read for any Auror partners fan!
A Lick and a Promise (2019, E, 55k)
Hot, BAMF Professors carefully balancing a fuck buddies situation while solving a Hogwarts mystery, do we need anything else? I certainly do not. This fic is so fun and intriguing and immersive, with amazing supportive cast and a delicious get together feat secret shagging and oblivious pining. Love it!
Modern Love (2020, E, 61k)
My favorite read of 2020, this fic is a love letter to Drarry and will always hold a piece of my soul. Sensitive, wistful, tenderly aching and so very romantic, this is a Muggle Draco triumph with a superb Harry, exquisite slow burn and a side of suds comfort. I promise it will be impossible to listen to Bowie again without thinking of this love story.
Bonus: five stunning drabbles!
Something in the Way (2021, T, 119 words)
“Up,” he said, and Draco, sick with love, raised his arms above his head and allowed Potter to slide the jumper on him, big hands stroking it flat over Draco’s stomach until they both shivered.
Stir-Up Sunday (2020, M, 300 words)
“I want you always,” he said, tugging again on the fine curling length of it. “Is it okay to say that?”
Whalebone Arch (2021, M, 722 words)
“Are you still not talking to me?” Draco steered Harry towards the crisps. “Do I have to suck you off in the loo to cheer you up?”
Semiplume (2021, T, 923 words)
“Did you know,” Harry murmured, and he put his arms around Draco, fearless. “I’d be your mate. If you needed a mate, I mean.”
Relic Radiation (2021, M, 927 words)
“You’ll kill me,” Harry said, and Draco turned his face towards the darkened sky, lunar pale, his profile some stupid unearthly thing—a flaring blazar, a supernova—in the light from the kitchen window.
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lucky-charming-cat · 3 years
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Are we getting a reveal this season?
Possible. And here's why
1. This was explained multiple times by multiple people, so I'll keep it short - the whole secrets theme of season 4. A damn reveal to Alya in episode 3 - it all screams preparing ground for a BIG secret reveal in the finale. But you probably already know that.
Now here's the interesting stuff
2. Seasons 6&7 were confirmed after s4 and s5 were already written. Which means the plot for s4&5 was planned out before they knew there'd be a s7.
Now, from the beginning the show creators have been building up this idea of a superhero team. It's an amazing money maker - so much merch! So many possibilities!
But it hasn't happened yet. It's slooooowly starting - with Alya getting her miraculous permanently - but it's not gonna happen at least until the s4 finale. Which means it's basically not happening in season 4. But a proper superhero team (not something one time like Miracle Queen) is bound to happen eventually.
And season 5 is the perfect moment to develop this idea. The possibly (well, not anymore) final season - rich, colorful, with multiple characters, new adventures, new challenges. A new era, you might wanna say. And what's better to end the old era, to have a fresh beginning (making it easier to attract new viewers - may I remind you that the original target audience will not really be as much of a target audience when s5 airs) than the Big Event everyone's been waiting for. They need a new generation of viewers, and for that to happen, they need to close a chapter of this four-seasons-long arc.
Twilight Sparkle stopped writing letters about friendship lessons to Princess Celestia at some point. A new era in the show started. Then Starlight Glimmer came, and another new era started.
Kids won't be kids forever, kids' shows need to change and adapt to still entertain an audience that doesn't necessarily know the first few seasons.
It was always supposed to be like this, only now they have s6 and s7 to continue s5's path.
tl;dr It's profitable for the creators to make s5 something new and different than the previous ones, and since it was kind of a final season before, it makes sense to close the first chapter in season 4.
(it also generally gives a great opportunity to continue the show without it getting bad)
3. The Awakening Movie.
You know what would suck?
Having the reveal in the movie happen literally YEARS before it happened in the actual show. A marketing disaster.
It would completely change the dynamic, change the speculations, make people care less about the show because "it's probably gonna be similar". The Big Unknown is an obvious priceless viewer bait.
Now, the movie was revealed in 2018. And it's supposed to cover the plot of the whole show until season 5.
S4 was originally supposed to premiere in Autumn 2020, but, of course, 👑 happened, which is why we're currently in the middle of release chaos.
The movie was planned for "late 2021-early 2022". Season 5 is currently planned for Summer 2022.
If you do the math with Miraculous release dates from seasons 2 and 3 (ah yes, the golden days of the big hiatus)... Suppose S4 would premiere in Autumn 2020 (remember, it's 26 episodes that need to air, and it's not like they air every week), as it was originally planned.
Would they really be able to deliver the whole of season 5 before the movie?
No. At least I don't think so. It would maybe start airing, but we wouldn't reach the finale.
Adding that to my second point, The Big Thing needs to happen in season 4, so that the movie doesn't spoil it for us.
NOW. Separately, all of my points would just be interesting observations. But combining that with the whole secrets theme...
It's happening, guys.
I just hope the release order won't screw it up.
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Christmas Break - Part 1
Surprise!! After a looong time away Court returns to Everlark fic world with a little holiday treat for everyone  - enjoy! :)
Hi everyone. So 2020 has sucked. For me, the beginning of quarantine was actually a bit of a gift. Being home gave me the gift of time, something I haven’t had much of as my daughters (who were very little when I started writing in this fandom) have gotten older. While I never stopped writing, it was a struggle to find long enough chunks of time to get into a flow. I started writing again with earnest. Not all of it was my fanfiction; some of it was my original work. El keeps me posted on the humbling and kind asks she gets about my writing. I felt bad that despite my increased writing, I still wasn’t ready to update any WIPs. But I did remember a story I had started for the final holiday PiP that I was never able to get past the first page (due to lack of time that year) and to my surprise, it started flowing. I had every intention of finishing it and having El post it as a gift to this fandom. But once my school went “back” in October and hybrid learning started, that was it. My time was gone. And further, my family experienced the very sudden and non-Covid-related death of my aunt. So while I have nearly half of this story written, it’s not done. But it will be, very soon, since it is a one-shot. As with all my stories, it took on a life of its own and it needs more love. So what I have for the readers who have loyally followed me is the first part, the part that involves Christmas. It’s my hope to have a second part posted in a week or two, so that by the time that part posts, a final part is nearly done. 
Thank you for your asks and your patience, and thank you to El, one of my favorite people in this world and the best thing my time in this fandom has given me. Thank you for your encouragement. Our friendship means the world to me. 
Here’s to a better 2021. Love to you all. Court
Christmas Break
Fuck, not again, Peeta grouses as the opening notes of that insidious Mariah Carey song pipe through the loudspeaker. That’s the third time in the last two hours. He’s all for holiday spirit, but if he never hears this fucking song again it will be too soon.
Leaning his forehead against the cold pane of glass, he peers out of the fourth-story window into the darkened sky. When he had arrived at work a few hours ago, the snow had just been starting to fall; a slow, lazy tumble of flakes. Now it’s coming down in a tumultuous swirl. It figures Panem would finally see a white Christmas his first Christmas Eve on rotation in the emergency room. No doubt the weather is partially to blame for the crush of bodies crowding the waiting room tonight. 
Peeta walks away from the window and opens the cabinet where he stashes his Clif bars. The economy-sized box looks suspiciously closer to empty than it did the other day. He’s heard complaints from other doctors and nurses that snacks are pilfered on a regular basis and was warned to label his own boxes. But he had forgone the warnings. If someone needed an energy bar badly enough to steal one, what was the $20 he had spent on them at Costco. He snags one and unwraps it. 
He’s just raised it to his mouth when his Apple watch pings and his silenced cell phone pulses insistently against his thigh. Heaving a loud sigh, he sets down the energy bar and withdraws the phone from his pocket. 
“Mom, you’ve got exactly 60 seconds,” he grits out. He doesn’t even need to look at the screen to confirm it’s her. She’s called twice already tonight, calls he’s ignored with good reason, but somehow his mother thinks a phone call from her trumps any actual emergencies her doctor son could be dealing with. Which, tonight, have been nonstop since his shift began at six. 
“Please tell me you ate something,” she begins. 
“I was just about to, when you called,” he replies. “I’ve only got a couple of minutes. It’s been utter chaos for the last four hours.” 
“We missed you at dinner. I can’t remember the last Christmas Eve when I didn’t have all three of my boys together.” Peeta closes his eyes. All these years my mother has been gushing about having a doctor in the family, and yet she never stopped to consider the ramifications of actually having a doctor in the family, he thinks. Particularly its impact on holiday gatherings. She obviously hadn’t learned anything from this past Thanksgiving, as now, just a month later, she’s already dumping a fresh guilt trip on him for missing another family dinner.
She continues, “And Jackson and Maxwell were just devastated when they heard you weren’t coming, until I assured them they’d see you tomorrow. We will see you tomorrow, yes?” 
Peeta suppresses another exasperated sigh and breaks off a chunk of the Clif bar. “Yes, Mom, I’ll be there.” And though it’s childish, he crams the bar into his mouth and mumbles around it, “I wouldn’t miss it for anything.” His chewing masks the sarcasm that weighs down the words. 
“Excellent. We need an updated family portrait before Everly and Rye have to leave for her parents’ house.” Placated, his mother moves to ends the call, but not before getting in a less-than-subtle comment about how much she adores his brother Rye’s fiancée and how happy she is Rye is settling down. 
Staring at the disconnected call flashing on the screen, Peeta tries not to let the remark get to him. Mostly because he knows it’s a lie. His mother has complained more than once about Everly and how she’s not good enough for Rye. Peeta knows the dig was directed at him. He hasn’t truly had a serious girlfriend since junior year of college; just a few casual relationships that barely qualified as relationships. He doesn’t know how his mother expects him to meet someone with the hours he keeps. And his father, for as close as they are, never seems willing to jump to Peeta’s defense. 
Taking a deep breath to let his irritation suffuse, he jams his phone back in his pocket and scarfs down the rest of his pathetic dinner. All three bites of it. Then he uses the restroom, dutifully washes his hand, and stalks out of the staff lounge, his short break over.
As he strides up the corridor, he hears loud shouting coming from the ER waiting room. 
“…should be asleep in her bed, waiting for Santa Claus to come, but instead, we’re still here waiting for someone to take a look at her arm! It’s been over two hours! Don’t you people have any compassion? Or is Ebenezer Freaking Scrooge running this place tonight?”
Curious, Peeta veers towards the reception desk, where his eyes land on the ranting woman. She’s young, probably no older than her mid-twenties, and in spite of the fact that her dark hair is spilling out of a messy braid and she’s not wearing any makeup, Peeta is immediately struck by her beauty. The rosy flush to her cheeks from her tirade actually makes her even prettier. She’s cradling a toddler and protectively shielding the little girl’s right arm. The toddler’s blonde head rests on her mother’s shoulder, her thumb wedged into her tiny pink mouth. Her left arm clutches a stuffed orange cat. She looks tired. Actually, both mother and daughter do. 
“Miss, I understand your frustration, I really do,” the receptionist says calmly, her eyes cutting to Peeta as he stops by her side. He reads the name on the file on top of the stack, the next patient scheduled to be seen: MCMURPHY, JOSEPH. Clearly not the little girl in front of him. 
“I don’t think you do!” the young mother cries, her eyes flashing steel. “She’s three, she’s in pain, and she’s scared. And what’s more, I’ve seen at least five people go ahead of us who came in after us!” 
“That’s not how the emergency room works, miss,” the receptionist replies. She drums her fingertips on the desk, offering the young mother a tight smile. 
“It’s Christmas Eve,” the young mother adds, an edge of desperation creeping into her tone. Discreetly, Peeta moves around the receptionist’s chair, scanning the desktop until he spies the stack of files for the patients awaiting admission. While the receptionist continues to give the young mother the run-around, he thumbs through the stack, searching. His eyes land on what he’s looking for: a date of birth. His lips tip up. Bingo. This has to be it: HAWTHORNE, IVY ANN. 
At the exact second his hand snatches Ivy’s file from the pile and slips the other one in amongst the stack, the young mother’s eyes lock on his. Her gaze narrows. He can see the exhaustion all over her beautiful face. Her full lips twitch, her countenance suspicious as they stare at one another. 
“Ivy Hawthorne?” Peeta taps the file he had extricated. An immediate flicker of relief lights the young mother’s mercury eyes, and that lush mouth breaks into a grateful, relieved smile. The receptionist’s neck snaps up. “I’ve got this,” he adds, his tone leaving no room for her to argue with him. It’s not protocol for Peeta to take a patient directly, but it’s also not blatantly against the rules. Sure, it might mean a little more work for him, but if it means he can get this little girl home sooner on Christmas Eve, it’s worth it.
He smiles at the little girl. “Ivy, I’m Doctor Mellark. I’m going to help make you feel better, okay?” She nods once but doesn’t lift her head from her mother’s shoulder. Peeta’s arm sweeps to the side, ushering the young mother and Ivy past the desk. He scans the hallway and spies a partially drawn curtain halfway up the corridor. He leads them to the available partition and close the curtain behind them. As he turns to face them, he nearly slams into the woman. She hasn’t moved, and her luminous grey eyes fasten to his. She looks as if she’s going to say something, but several seconds pass and she’s still quiet, still watching him. The silence starts to become uncomfortable. Peeta clears his throat.  
“If you’d have a seat, please, Mrs. Hawthorne. You can hold her while I get some more information from you.” 
The young woman’s lips part slightly, again appearing as if she wants to say something, but instead she shuffles forward and Peeta waits while she settles on the edge of the hospital bed, gingerly adjusting Ivy so she’s sitting sideways across her mother’s lap. 
Peeta sinks down onto the stool and scoots towards the edge of the bed. This close he has a much better look at Ivy’s mother. She really is a beautiful young woman, and given how adorable Ivy is Peeta assumes her husband is probably also very attractive. He feels a twinge of jealousy. Lucky bastard. Pretty wife, cute kid…probably has a nice little house and a golden retriever too. Living the dream. His dream, if he allows himself to admit it to anyone but his mother. If he was being perfectly honest, he had always envisioned himself married by now. 
“How old are you, Ivy?” he ask, even though he knows from her chart and her mother’s declaration that she’s three years old. She hesitates, and still clutching the stuffed cat, manages to display three fingers. Peeta smiles at her again.
“I have a nephew who is the exact same age as you are. He told me just last week that he’s a big boy now. Are you a big girl, Ivy?” He keeps his tone gentle, hoping it will put her at ease with him. She nods, her big blue eyes lightening imperceptibly. “I thought so. Can you be a big girl and tell me what happened to your arm?” 
Her mother answers automatically, “She fell. I was only gone—” Peeta holds up his palm. He has the triage nurse’s initial assessment, so he knows Ivy’s arm is likely broken. What he doesn’t know is how the arm got broken. And those details he needs to try to get from Ivy herself. Kids her age always tell the truth when it comes to how they were injured, and unfortunately it’s part of Peeta’s job to make sure there isn’t a more sinister reason she’s in the E.R. tonight, no matter how sweet and innocent her mother appears. He’s already had a few encounters with suspected child abuse, though his gut tells him that isn’t the case with Ivy Hawthorne.
“Please. I would like Ivy to tell me how it happened.” 
Something dangerous flints in Ivy’s mother’s now stormy grey eyes.
“She. Fell.” The words are curt, enunciated coolly, but her voice is soft and Peeta can tell she’s keeping her temper in check for the benefit of her daughter. Eyes still pinned to his, she inhales deeply. A second later, her shoulders relax. “Go ahead and tell the nice doctor how you hurt your arm,” she whispers, stroking Ivy’s curls. 
“I was trying to see Santa,” Ivy replies, her tongue tripping in a lisp on the “S’s.” 
“What do you mean by that?” he prompts her. 
Ivy scrunches up her button nose. “I was trying to see up the chimney. ‘Cause the chimney at Aunt Katniss’s house is so skinny and Santa Claus is real fat and I don’t know how he’s gonna fit down it to bring me my presents!” Her blue eyes brim with tears and her lower lip starts to tremble. Peeta reaches over and pats her knee. 
“I wouldn’t worry about that, sweetheart. Santa Claus is magic. He’ll get you your presents, no matter what the chimney looks like.” He exchanges a look with her mother. 
“It was all my fault,” she says quietly. “I went in the kitchen, to get the cookies and milk—”
“And the carrots! For Rudolph and the other reindeer!” Ivy chimes in, her eyes shiny wet. 
“I never should have left her alone, not even for a second. This is my fault. It’s my fault. She wouldn’t have slipped and fallen off the hearth if I had been watching her.” Guilt chokes her words, and it sounds as if she’s close to tears. 
“Accidents happen, Mrs. Hawthorne,” Peeta says empathetically, “that’s why there are emergency rooms.” She presses her lips together, her brows knitting.  
“It’s Everdeen,” she says quietly. Peeta drops his eyes to Ivy’s chart, and furrows his brows, his gaze wandering to the young woman’s left hand. No ring. A brief thrill curls through him at the thought that she’s single. Asshole, he immediately chides himself. So not what you should be thinking about right now. He scans the chart more carefully and shakes his head.
“I’m sorry,” he begins, “but this lists Primrose Hawthorne as the mother, under the Parent/Guardian information, and a Rory Hawthorne as the father. I just assumed—”
She cuts him off. “Primrose Hawthorne was her mother. But I’m not Primrose Hawthorne. I’m Katniss. Katniss Everdeen. I’m her aunt. I should be listed as her primary emergency contact.” She swallows and squeezes her eyes shut briefly. When she opens them, they plead with his. Peeta glances down at Ivy, and then raises his eyes to Katniss again. The guilt that was clouding those silver irises a moment ago has dissipated, replaced with anguish. He doesn’t know what the full story is here, but he didn’t miss Katniss’s usage of the past tense in referring to Ivy’s mother. So he honors her silent appeal not to ask questions.
“Okay, Ivy, you fell, and you landed on your arm? I bet that hurt,” Peeta says to the little girl, but his gaze stays fastens on Katniss. She gives him the faintest smile and mouths, “Thank you.”
~*~*~*~
An hour later, the orthopedist informs Peeta that Ivy Hawthorne is ready for his approval to be discharged. Not wanting to keep her and her aunt waiting any later than necessary, he sets down the X-ray he had been studying, and heads back to where Ivy is. 
Standing outside the curtain, he hears quiet singing. He draws back the curtain and sees Katniss seated on the bed, with Ivy nestled in her lap. A bright pink cast safely cocoons the girl’s arm. Her blonde head rests on Katniss’s shoulder. Her eyes are closed, and her little body rises and falls with the deep breathing of sleep. 
Katniss continues to sing, unaware of Peeta’s presence. He doesn’t recognize the tune she’s singing. It’s not a Christmas carol, at least not one he’s ever heard before, but he continues to listen, captivated by her voice. It’s soft and decidedly feminine, but there’s raspy undercurrent to it that gives him chills. It’s like the first sip of a rich, smoky bourbon.
Gingerly, he tiptoes towards the bed and stands before her for several more minutes, until Katniss finally lifts her eyes. She immediately stops singing. Peeta smiles and nods towards Ivy.
“Someone is worn out,” he whispers. Katniss’s lips twitch into a chagrinned smile. 
“I’m sure the second we get home she’ll be wide awake and it’ll take forever to get her into bed. She was already amped up about Santa Claus before this.” She tips her head and gestures with her chin towards Ivy’s arm. 
“Warm milk. With a little bit of cinnamon,” he suggests. 
“Really?” Her eyes round. “Cinnamon? That really works?” Disbelief clouds her words. He shrugs sheepishly.
“I have no idea. No kids. And I’ve never had much trouble sleeping. I’m usually asleep the minute my head hits the pillow. But I’ve heard from a friend with a toddler that it does the trick.” He waits for her to say something—anything—in response, but she doesn’t. Her gaze is back on the sleeping toddler in her arms. 
Watching her stare tenderly at her niece causes something unexpected to claw at Peeta’s chest and he’s overwhelmed by a fierce compulsion to want to keep her here, to get to know more about her. It’s been a long time since he felt this kind of instant attraction to a woman. Why couldn’t he have met her under different circumstances? 
“Are we all done, doctor?” 
Peeta startles from his thoughts and offers Katniss an apologetic smile.
“Yes, sorry. You are good to go as soon as you sign here—” He holds the clipboard at an angle, to allow her to sign without having to disturb Ivy, “and here.” He flips the sheet back to the second page and she scrawls her name across the line there, too. Normally a nurse would go over discharge papers and protocol with patients, but Peeta had taken it upon himself to grab Ivy’s. He needed to spend every possible minute in Katniss’s presence. 
Once the release forms are complete, he review the plan for Ivy’s follow-up care, including how to manage any pain she has and when she’ll need to return to have the cast removed. Katniss listens attentively. 
When he’s finished, she stands up slowly, her movements tentative so as not to jostle Ivy. A sigh parts the little girl’s lips and she stirs, but she remains asleep. God, she’s cute, Peeta thinks. 
“Thank you, Dr. Mellark,” Katniss says softly. “For everything. I know what you did…” She falters. “I mean, I know we, ah, weren’t next, and ah…” Peeta waves a hand dismissively, sensing her discomfort with his hijacking of the queued patients.  
“It was my pleasure,” he replies. “Little girls should be home on Christmas Eve. Waiting for Santa.” He echoes Katniss’s earlier words. “I hope he’s good to her.” 
He doesn’t miss the forlorn expression that flits across Katniss’s face as she glances down at her sleeping niece. 
“He can’t bring her what she wants most, but he’ll try,” she murmurs and moves towards the open curtain. Just before she steps out into the hall, she pauses and turns to face Peeta.
“Merry Christmas,” she adds.  
“Merry Christmas,” he concurs. With a faint smile, she steps around the curtain. It rustles in her wake and resettles. Peeta exhales and slumps against the wall, regret washing through him, followed by a stronger wave of sadness at seeing Katniss go. If it hadn’t been for Ivy, he might have concocted some kind of delay to keep Katniss here longer, found some excuse to pry more information out of her. Like if she’s single. A surge of adrenaline spikes in his blood. He can’t let her go this easily.
He bolts out into the corridor, scanning the bustling hallway for any sign of Katniss and Ivy, but they’ve vanished. Disappointed, his shoulders slump as he trudges towards the nurses’ station to hand off Ivy’s file. 
It’s probably best, a nagging little voice inside him taunts, and he reluctantly concedes that it probably is. As much as he’d love to finally shut his mother up and find a woman that he’d want to spend more than a night with, it’s not fair to subject one to the kind of schedule he has to keep. New doctors are low-man-on-the-totem-pole. He’s had mostly graveyard shifts and he’s often on call. It’s his dream to have a pediatric practice, but he’s well aware that he’ll have to toil for a couple of years to get on track to make that dream a reality. 
A few minutes later, en route to his next examination, Peeta spies Johanna, one of the triage nurses, coming out of the room Ivy had occupied. His eyes immediately narrow when his gaze lands on her left arm.
“Was that in there?” He motions towards the vacated room and then nods towards the stuffed cat Johanna has wedged under her armpit. 
“What, the cat? Yeah. It must have fallen under the bed. I’ll take it to the station, in case someone comes back to claim it.” 
Ivy’s cherubic little face flashes in Peeta’s mind. He remember how fiercely she had been clutching that cat, and how she had reluctantly agreed to put it down when it had been time for Delly, another one of the triage nurses, to take her for X-rays. 
Peeta’s pulse quickens and he immediately thrusts his hand towards Johanna. “I’ll take it,” he says impulsively. She wrinkles her nose and cocks her head, her hazel eyes intensely scrutinizing him. Though they have a casual friendship, Johanna is far too insightful for her own good. Peeta doesn’t really need her questioning his motives for taking possession of the toy. 
“The little girl it belongs to goes to preschool with Max. I’ll make sure he takes it to her after the holiday break.” Fuck, that lie flew off his tongue so easily he almost believes it himself. Johanna shrugs and tosses Peeta the cat. 
“Suit yourself. One less thing to overflow the Lost and Found.” She strides past him and disappears into Triage 6. He stares down at the stuffed animal. His heart skips another beat and a slow smile tugs at his mouth. 
~*~*~*~
Stifling another yawn, Peeta squints at the numbers above the garage. He’s definitely in the right place. He kills the engine and sits for a moment, glancing at the clock on the navigation system. It’s quarter after nine. Early, but not obscenely so. When his shift had ended at six am, he had driven home and fought the urge to crawl into bed; instead, he grabbed a quick shower and freshened up. True, part of him hadn’t wanted to see Katniss Everdeen again looking like the bedraggled, exhausted mess he was at the end of a rotation, and also true, he was going to have to clean up before he’s due at his parents’ house at one. But he also knew he couldn’t really have shown up at Katniss’s house at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning, even if he suspects Ivy likely had her up by then. He recalls, with a wistful smile, that Christmas morning was the one morning he and his brothers were always awake before his father. It was only a question of which Mellark brother was going to be the first to rouse the others. Him being the youngest, it was usually him, he admits with a wider grin.
He quietly exits his car, careful not to slam the door, and gingerly steps across the icy driveway. He pauses at the un-shoveled front walk, where a pristine blanket of snow blocks his path. “Shit,” he whispers, gritting his teeth as he takes the first step. His foot plunges into the deep drift, up to nearly his calf. He braces himself and takes a huge step, hoping to eat up the distance in a few long strides. Fortunately, it’s not a long front walk. He reaches the also un-shoveled front steps and carefully ascends them. He contemplates ringing the doorbell, but instead raps his knuckles against the door. His breath pipes out in white plumes and he rubs his palms together for warmth as he waits. 
No one comes to the door, at least not immediately. Peeta lifts his fist again, but just before his knuckles can connect with the wood again, the front door opens a crack and he’s suddenly looking at Katniss. Those silver eyes round almost comically as recognition lights them. 
“D-Doctor Mellark? Wh-what are you….”  
“Hi. Merry Christmas,” he begins. “I thought Ivy would be missing this.” He smiles and holds up the stuffed cat. 
Katniss stares at him, her lips parting faintly, and shock and confusion war on her pretty face. But then her grey eyes darken with what Peeta can only describe as restrained fury. 
She opens the door fully and glares at him.  
“You had Ivy’s cat?” she accuses. 
“Uh…yeah…” he stammers, his own confusion welling. Why is she so angry? “My nephew…he has a bear. Otis. Can’t sleep without that thing. I thought if Ivy is anything like Max…well, she’d be missing this.” He holds the cat out to Katniss. She snatches it so violently that she stumbles backwards. Peeta is equally jarred, but his jolt is from the very brief brush of Katniss’s fingers against his when she had grabbed the toy. 
But Katniss gives him no time to revel in the feeling.
“So this is why no one at the hospital had a goddamned clue what I was talking about when I called there looking for this cat an hour ago!” she spits. 
Shit, Peeta thinks, an uneasy feeling clawing its way into his gut. 
“Why the fuck—” He can’t help but notice her slight hesitation before she lobs the obscenity at him. “—would you take my niece’s cat? Is this something normal people do?” She’s shivering visibly as she rants, a clear consequence of stepping onto her front porch wearing nothing but green plaid pajama pants and a threadbare black Henley shirt.
“I….I…” He shakes his head. He’s not even sure how to defend his actions. He can’t very well tell her his ulterior motives in bringing the stuffed cat back to her niece. Not now. He definitely fucked this up.
“I was just trying to be nice. That I’d save you a trip on Christmas morning,” he finishes lamely. 
Katniss’s nostrils flare and her jaw flexes. “Christmas morning,” she mutters, just barely audible over the clattering of her teeth. “Did it occur to you, Dr. Mellark, that I might be looking for Ivy’s cat and I might call the hospital looking for this cat?” She shakes the toy in his face. “And did it occur to you that, in spite of all the toys she had just opened, Ivy might be bawling and throwing a fit because Buttercup was missing?”
Buttercup, he has to assume, is the stuffed cat.
She pauses, as if waiting for him to defend himself, but all he can do is swallow against the lump crowding his throat.
So she continues, “They made me think I was crazy—but not until after they left me on hold for 20 minutes while I tried to calm a wailing toddler. And then they said there was no toy matching this description in the Lost and Found. And that’s because you had it!” Her eyes are a maelstrom now, but he notices that an edge of frustration has crept into her furious tone. 
“And now Ivy doesn’t have it. So thank you. Thank you very much, Dr. Mellark. Merry Christmas.” And before Peeta can release the breath he’s been holding during her outburst and plead his case, she whirls around, her disheveled braid lancing through the air like a whip, and slams the door behind her. Stunned, Peeta can only stare at the wreath on the door as he processes what just happened.  
What. The. Fuck. 
Heart pounding, gut churning, Peeta retreats to his car. He takes a few minutes to absorb the shock of his encounter with Katniss, his mind reeling through the accusations she made. He never would have expected her to react like this. So much for any shot with Katniss Everdeen. 
He finally gathers his composure and navigates out of her complex. As he drives, his mind continues replaying Katniss’s words over and over, and he finds one thing nags at him. 
And now Ivy doesn’t have it.
Those words don’t make much sense to him. He just gave the stuffed animal back to Katniss. She can give it back to Ivy. She’ll have it now. In her wrath, Katniss just wasn’t being rational, he decides. 
But her words continue to haunt him off and on for the rest of the day. Along with persistent images of Katniss that further torment him. She is never far from his conscious thoughts. As he sits down next to the fireplace in his parents’ house with a tumbler of scotch to exchange gifts with his brothers and his nephews, he finds himself wondering who Katniss is celebrating with. Ivy, obviously. But does she have other family? 
By the time the Mellarks all settle around the table for dinner, he’s conjured up the notion that Katniss may not be married, but she surely has a devoted boyfriend who is showering her with gifts at this very moment. Her mood is infinitely better than what Peeta witnessed earlier. She’s probably dressed nice for him, and he’s sitting around her dining room table with Katniss and Ivy, like a makeshift family.
His mother’s irritation is palpable when she has to command his attention twice to try and draw him into the discussion centered on Rye’s upcoming wedding. Peeta murmurs the apology he knows she expects and feigns his dutiful brotherly interest for Rye’s benefit the remainder of the meal. But a dull ache has taken up residence in the center of his chest and he realizes just how badly he wants what his brothers have. 
He just won’t be having it with Katniss Everdeen.
178 notes · View notes
springalwayscomes · 4 years
Text
Still Alive
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I would need a million words
If I tried to define
All the things you mean to me, yeah
For you I'd die a thousand lives
Special kind of energy
'Cause love is born when hearts collide
Every time you touch me
You remind me that I'm still alive
-17, Pink Sweats
Plot: Jungkook is the reason. For what, you don’t really have to explain. And the fact that he’s been feeling low lately, you say, only makes you want to stay by his side more. Truth is he’s feeling worse than he’s ever felt.
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Pairing: Jungkook x Reader
Genre: Angst, Fluff
Wordcount: 2.4k
Content Warning: Mentions and descriptions of panic and anxiety attacks, Jungkook is lost and depressed (if we have to minimize). Please do not read if you are triggered by this type of content.
Author’s Note: Honestly, I’m not even sure if I really want to post this. This one is different from what I’ve been writing until now and I feel so exposed. I’ve been through this, so it’s pretty difficult for me to talk about something like this without feeling exposed and fragile again, I’m not even sure about the reason why I wrote this, but now it’s done. I hope I will keep this on the blog, even though I’m not sure. It was inspired by the song 17 by Pink Sweats, and at the beginning I wanted to write a soft smut but it turned out to be like this and so much deeper than I‘ve ever imagined. To write it I really had to minimize the feelings I used to feel at that time, because I couldn’t express them in the right way and honestly (really honestly), thinking about that period of my life still scares me a lot. Anyway, I am feeling better now, and even though this work contains a lot of sadness and it’s really harsh and raw to read, I want to tell to whoever is going through this, or whatever problem you’re facing along your way that you’ll feel good again. Spring will come again, as our boys say. You’ll feel light again, and you will be three times wiser than you were before. I wish a happy new year to everyone and I hope that you will appreciate this! 2021 will be better than 2020, so let’s all cheer up.💜
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«It just sucks»
These are the first words that welcome you home. Jungkook’s voice coming from the bedroom and your mind immediately wandering to understand what’s happening, if he’s fine. He’s been feeling low lately, anxious and stressed with work. It sucks to see him like this, if you were to use his words. It sucks.
Jungkook is the reason. For what, you don’t really have to explain. He is the reason. Jungkook is everything, everything.
The images of last night coming to your mind make you eyes water and you quickly take your shoes and coat off before you jog to the room where he is.
Layed on the bed, arms crossed on his chest and hair disheveled Jungkook stares the ceiling on top of him, Taehyung and Jimin at his sides. You swear you see his cheek glint under the light, the path of a tear making its way on his skin. Your chest heavies, breath stuck in your throat as Taehyung and Jimin notice your presence and greet you with smiles that say anything but happiness.
«Baby» you call out. Jungkook blinks, neck slowly turning to meet his eyes with yours. The way yours are watering more and more every second and the way Jungkook bites on his lower lip tell Taehyung and Jimin that they should probably leave you alone. The two sigh, hugging the littlest man tightly and whispering things you can’t discern from here, but Jungkook’s expression doesn’t change. And it breaks you apart, in a million, billiards of pieces, scraps.
His hyungs smile at you, each one leaving a kiss on your cheek before they head to the door.
It’s only when you hear it click that your body starts working again, quickly removing your clothes and letting them fall onto the floor, then taking big steps towards the bed and sitting down. You know what comes now, it became a routine by now, and Jungkook knows it too.
You hug him. So tight and comforting, lovingly that he feels his eyes water again, for the fifth time today. Your embrace smells like the both of you, familiar and special, a space that seems made just for him.
His head rests on your chest and a moment later you’re slowly laying on the mattress, leading him with you and trying your best not to make any movements that could scare him.
Jungkook is having problems, not a little. You’re just too scared to admit it.
He’s been feeling low lately, you say.
He’s feeling worse than he’s ever felt. He’s scared, scared of the world and himself, of everything. He always feels anxious, putting his nerves on the edge and his brain in condition of never stop working, he’s always attentive, watchful of everything, too much.
The anxiety eventually led to anxiety attacks and panic attacks. It’s been a hell of a road until now, and you thought that maybe he could make it. You still think it, but these times seem to be the hardest. Especially since yesterday night.
He had a panick attack in his sleep. His side of the bed wet with sweat and tears, his whines waking you up just to see him with his hands on his chest and his face soaked with both tears and sweat, eyes shut close and lips as red as blood.
Jungkook is extremely sensible. He feels the judgement of people, he’s shy and it takes him a lot to stand for himself, his self-esteem has never been so low than in these last year. All of these facts together, eventually led to a breaking point. This moment. “If you won’t let it go, it will occur the time where your body will come in the way and do it for yourself.”, said his psychologist last week as she tried to explain what was happening to him. “His brain told him to stop what he was doing and since he wouldn’t listen, it had found a different way.”
And you swear on your life as you hug him tighter and tighter to you, your fingers brushing through his hair and his hot breath fanning on your neck, that you will be here for him forever. It doesn’t matter how much it will take him to feel better, how hard it will be.
«Do you want to talk?» you whisper. As quietly as you can. He doesn’t answer, but you feel his arms tighten their hold around you. You watch the beautiful features of his face, his eyebrows, his eyes shut, his nose, the petals of his lips, the freckle on his nose and under his lower lips, his golden skin.
«I’m here, I am always going to be here. I love you» you whisper.
Jungkook wouldn’t want to do it again, but by now his eyes are reckless and they let out another tear; warm and full of pain it tickles his skin as it travels on his nose until it eventually falls and lands on your collar bone.
«I’m sorry» he whines, sniffing. His face nuzzles onto the crook of your neck as other warm tears wet your skin. Your heart shakes, your chest becomes heavier. You squeeze him so tight, if there was a way to take away all of his pain you’d do it without even blinking, even if it’d end with you being in his shoes.
«What are you sorry for?» you whisper again, your lips kissing the locks of his dark hair as he hides his face.
His body is stronger, bigger than yours. But he needs the same attention and love as a baby now, the same thoughtfulness. Jungkook is in a fragile state, and you have to be hyperaware of everything to make sure that he doesn’t slip out of your hands and fall, breaking into shatters on the cold floor.
«...This-» he weeps, his back shaken by sobs. «M-me... I-You-»
«Don’t be» you cut him off.
«Don’t ever feel sorry for how you’re feeling. Never» you reassure. A soft kiss is placed on his forehead, and another one on his hand after you slowly, carefully lead it to your lips.
«Did you have-»
«Three»
This time he’s the one who cuts off. He doesn’t want to hear their name, he hates them. He hates them so much, and for you is the same. Watching him in sweat, with tears falling down as he whines lost in his world, the way he can’t breathe in the right way, his lips trembling and his eyes desperate for help but afraid that it will never come, scared and in a world with no light at the end of the dark tunnel: that is what you hate the most in the world.
He hates panick attacks just as much as you do. Fuck them, you think.
Three. One shakes him enough to make him sleep for at least three or four hours after, all of his energies get sucked away in a scary way both mentally and phisically, to imaginewhat he is going through right now makes you hold him even tighter. Thank God that Taehyung and Jimin were free today and stayed here to help him, Jungkook is too afraid to remain home by himself, and honestly you would never leave him alone when he’s scared to death of himself. In the morning, he’s afraid to get up from the bed, because it feels like his only safe space, he doesn’t even dare to go to the kitchen; the only thing he can do is focus on his breathing, you are the one who brings him breakfast, lunch and dinner and help him eat. The idea of a new day already beginning scares him even more because he knows it will be just as shitty as the one before, full of fear for him. Panic and anxiety attacks come and go as if they were the air he exhales and lets out, some of them last longer and are deeper, Jungkook would end up crying in your arms and beg you to stop them. It breaks your heart everytime to not being able to help him just like he wants. You could see the fear in his eyes every time, and even when they finally leave, that shadow won’t. They scare him, so much that he does his best to avoid them, and right now is to just stay in bed. He can’t leave the bed without being swallowed by the anxiety of doing something wrong that will eventually trigger another attack, so he lays still for almost the full day beside of when he needs to go to the bathroom. You usually follow him and wait outside of the door, his cheeks redden every time at the thought of needing you to help him even for something so mere, but he’s thankful that you do. His deepest fear became himself, not being able to control his brain without falling in the arms of panic again. Just the other day he had whispered you that he was afraid of going out of his mind and that if he were destined to live like this for the rest of his life, he would prefer to be dead. The thought made you shiver. You had sweetly kissed his forehead, telling him back that he was all but crazy and that everything will eventually be alright, these are just some obstacles on the road. And you really hope it. The fact that now he’s not safe from attacks anymore not even in his sleep scares him even more.
«I’ll stop talking then,» you caress his neck, so incredibly warm that for a moment you think he might have had catched a fever too «you-»
«Please, don’t» his head slightly raises from its place in the crook of your neck, eyes looking at you. They look so tired, exhausted, spent, weary.
«Please talk to me, I want to hear your voice»
Your lips meet his forehead, pressing to it as if it was your lifeline. Jungkook’s eyes shut close, the feeling of something familiar warming up his chest just the slightest, he tells himself that maybe he could live with this sensation. It certainly would be better than being scared and breathless, with your brain playing tricks on you. It would be a hundred times better to live with this sensation, not tingling or burning hot but slightly calm and still, like a caress but really light. The one of the one hundred percent. This is enough to make him feel better, just the slightest. A speak of dust in the desert, but at least is something. It’s warm, familiar.
«I would need a million words if I tried to define all the things you mean to me»
Jungkook opens his eyes, watery again. His lips tremble, breath stuck as he looks at you with him emotions on full display, fragility at its peak.
«For you I’d die a thousand lives» you whisper. And God, you mean it. You never meant it more than now saying it in front of him, for his eyes and his heart.
«Special kind of energy, cause love is born when hearts collide» you go on. And by now, Jungkook knows what you’re doing.
«Is this-»
«Ssh» you caress his cheek trying to make him relax just a little bit. «Every time you touch me you remind me that I’m still alive»
Jungkook loses it as he looks at you while you say those words, the same that you’ve been reminding him of for all these minutes, this morning, yesterday night after you witnessed his state for all these days.
He doesn’t care if he’s feeling lightheaded or if the feelings in his chest are so deep and make him feel such in a haze that it will eventually lead him towards another panic attack. He needs you, he needs to feel alive again, to feel reassured and loved more than ever.
His lips meet yours, not in a soft peck like the ones you’ve been giving him in these last days. A kiss that makes his blood boil in his veins and his mind in a haze, not because it’s vicious or promises something more but because is full of promises of happy endings and limitless fondness, a kiss that would take away all his pain and give it to you if it was possible. That is what makes him wish he was able to give you more. He swears that he never felt something as soft as your lips, he never believed in a place as much as he believes in your embrace, he never loved someone as much as he loves you, he never felt more alive then now. You can feel his emotions on your lips, in your mouth; his fragility, the way he’s desperately trying to let himself go and how he hopes, how he believes that you will help him in doing so and will take good care of him if he succeeds, the bitter taste of the fear of being this fragile to himself, of feeling something that might be too much too handle for now.
It’s like giving his first kiss, it’s just like the first time. It’s new and Jungkook almost feels like he’s not enough because he knows he can’t give you more, and the thought makes his heart clench in pain. But you don’t care, and if he’s willing to give you ten then you’ll take five, because you don’t want to exhaust him. That’s the reason why you part from him, slowly.
Jungkook loves you, so deeply and profoundly. And you read it on his face as he parts from your lips and rests his head on your chest, his low lidded eyes keeping their stare on you.
«My heart is beating so fast» he whines, breath already itching, voice full of panic and fear.
«Bad fast or good fast?»
«Both» he shuts his eyes again. He’s going to have another panic attack, he can recognize it, he feels it coming, and you know it too just by that shadow in had in in his eyes before closing them. A mix of desperation and anger towards himself to not being able to control it.
At least, I’m still alive, Jungkook thinks. Even though, beside from that span of time when his lips met yours and he felt like he was doing the right thing, he is not that sure that it worths it.
Maybe tomorrow I can live a moment like that again, it’s the thought he tries to keep in mind as his breath itches more and more.
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popculturebuffet · 3 years
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One Year Anniversary: Top 12 Ducktales Episodes!
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Happy anniversary all you happy people! Yes it was one year ago today I started reviewing animation and it’s been a ride to be sure. I’d always WANTED to be a reviewer: I love going on and on about stuff I love, really digging into it and picking it apart... but I could never get started. I tried youtube but I didn’t have the money for the equipment nor a proper shooting space to record, so my efforts.. were not great. And while I TRIED text reviews, my own looming pile of self hatred meant every attempt I made was shot down when it got hard as me not being good enough. 
But one year ago I finally got past that. I’d already been reviewing a bit, doing invididual issues of comics... but got way in over my head trying to do the current line of X-Men comics as it came out, and wisely bowed out of that. But that left a gap: I had nothing to cover week to week and with a demanding new job, I drifted into just doing in charcter chats, little fan fictions script styles. Not bad work, I should do some more at some point and I even got a comissoin once in a while, but nothing I could really live on and not what I wanted to do with my life. 
Enter Ducktales. I’d always WANTED to review the show.. and when the double premire happened, I decided fuck it, and put up my thoughts. And then decided.. hey maybe I can do this every week.. and slowly.. my work evolved, getting better and better, getting more and more likes. I picked up Amphibia when that came by week to week.
And eventually.. this went from a hobby, if one I was passionate about to a career. Not a largely paying one, as only one person was really intrested in paying me for it, friend of the blog and our fincial backer @weirdkev27, but .. it’s money and i’m now making about 30 dollars a month due to a comination of comissions and patreon. Other contributers are always welcome mind you, my patreon is here if your curious and comissions are 5 dollars an episode, but i’ts just nice to have money coming in. To have gone from simply WANTING to review things and make a living off it.. to simply doing it. 
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And it’s been one hell of a year.. and not just because 2020 felt like hell or 2021 began with a full on insurrection. I feel like i’ve acomplished a lot in the year i’ve been doing this: I finished what I started with Ducktales season 3, getting better and better as I went. And I didn’t stop there with ducks: I started covering what brought me to Ducks in the first place, the Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck, and while that retrospective has slid a bit on the schedule, I intend to get it back on track this month. I reviewed a bunch of Darkwing Duck episodes leading up to the Just Us Justice Ducks.. chronologically anyway. The actual airing order reads like someone took 50 issues of a comic, made it rain with them, then just started reading whatever ones they picked up randomly. I also covered some of Duck Master Carl Barks work with the classics Night on Bear Mountain, A Christmas for Shacktown and Back to the Klondike, with more to come. 
And the Duck didn’t stop at just reviews I did on my own: Kev comissioned two MASSIVE retrospectives from me: My first for him was Ride of the Three Caballleros where in just a few short months I covered the boys entire televisied careers together from the movie, to house of mouse, to mickey and the roadster racers, to ducktales (again) and finishing with the wonderful Legend of the Three Caballeros. It has probably the worst Daisy imaginable, but otherwise is really excellent and i’m glad I finally watched it. I also covered Don Rosa’s two stories with the boys as part of it. It was a fun ride and I enjoyed every minute of it... okay most of them again Three Cabs Daisy is the worst. And once that finished Kev started up another idea: Shadow Into Light: a look at Lena’s character arc from start to finish that has gone on to be my most popular series on this blog, and that finishes next week. And there’s more to come as after that there’s a short breather with a look at Lilo and Stitch’s crossover episodes.. folllowed by me looking at all three of season 2′s ducktales arcs. And I fully intend to have covered every episode of the series by this time next year, so stay tuned. 
Outside of ducks though I didn’t slow down. I restarted my Tom Lucitor retrospective, covering what i feel to be one of Star Vs’ two best characters, tied with eclipsa, and my personal faviorite as he redeemeed himself, found love and I bitched a lot about the horrible directions the series took and probabably will more as that’s still not done yet. I did what I always wanted to do and started looks at some of my faviorite comics ever, starting with Life and Times and adding in New X-Men and Scott PIlgrim. I also threw in the awesome comic Blacksad. I did pride month for the first time and not only came out publicly, but also did two whole arcs i’m proud of with The Saluna episodes of Loud house and the rednid episodes of OK KO, and generally just had myself a good old fashioned time as an out bi man reviewing childrens cartoons. 
I started Season 2 of amphibia with it’s lows of an endlesss road trip and highs of adding Marcy to the cast and giving us more of the silky voiced keith david. And finally Patreon wise Kev’s taken me on a hell o fa journey: In addition to the restrospectives i’ve covered some additional darkwing duck, and a simpsons homage to the duck comics... but also got a bit weird and obscure with detours like the lost animnaics sucessor Histeria, the apocalyptic comedy where Santa dosen’t know how doors work Whoops! and the adventures of Santa’s bratty teen daughter jingle belle. In short.. it’s been a long year but damn has it been fun and there’s more to come. I’d like to thank all of you for reading, thank my Patreons Kev and Emma for supporting me, and thank my family for doing the same.  So with that out of the way, I figured the best way to celebrate was to do something i’ve been wanting to do for a long time, something honoring the show that gave me this calling in the first place. And with Season 3 sadly being the last, and enough weeks having passed for me to digest it between the finale and today, I could think of nothing better than my top 12 episodes of Ducktales.
Ducktales is one of the best cartoons of the 2010′s. Brilliantly taking EVERYTHING that had come before, the comics, the original cartoon and every bit of duck media period to craft a masterful, unique and wonderful reboot. It was funny, it was insane, and it had damn good character arcs. By the end every member of the main cast along with major supporting cast members like Fenton, Drake and especially Lena, had changed and signifigantly at that. The show was everything I could’ve dreamed of and more and I miss it terribly, hoping DIsney will do a revivial movie at some point. For now though, Frank and Matt’s run on ducktales, as they called it and I do too since i’m a massive comic book nerd, it’s time to look back on my favorite tales of ducks. So grab your sharks, your number one dimes and your friendship cakes with clear gay undertones and join me under the cut as I celebrate one of my faviorite shows and my anniversary in the best way possible. 
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12. House of the Lucky Gander! 
 So as i’ve gone on about before and no doubt will again, Donald kinda got the short end of the stick in season 1. While Frank and Matt had good story intentions, keeping Donald away from adventure since he had no interest in it, in practice it meant a beloved Disney Icon who they and disney HEAVILY promoted as part of the series and whose being here this go round was a big draw for fans of the comics.... was only in a quarter of the season and only got TWO plots centered around him in 23 episodes, with only one being the main plot of the episode. The PIlot and Finale both centered around the family more as a whole if your curious how I counted those so while he got plenty of focus in both, it’s still not a day in the limelight sort of thing. 
But unusually for Donald, he lucked out as his one big starring role for Season 1 was both one of my faviorites and one of Season 1′s most inventive outings.  A lot of the episodes enegy comes from a one two punch of a great guest star and one of the series best settings. The guest star is of course everyone’s faviorite overly lucky himbo Gladstone Gander. The show adapted the prick perfectly: The original Gladstone from the comics.. was the worst asshole imaginable, utterly insufferable. And for a villian, and Donald’s rival, that’s all well and good.. but his super luck meant he RARELY , if ever, suffered any consequences for being just...
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The 87 series simply made him nicer, while Going Quackers simply removed his luck. No adaptation really got how to make this fucker work.. until this one. Here Frank split the diffrence: Gladstone is still smug.. but he’s no longer actively malicious. While he is an insensitive prick to Donald in this one, unlike the comics he’s not constantly bragging about his luck or how great he is or actively BAITING Donald to fight with him or trying to ruin his relationship or a million other reasons he sucks and I hate him.
This version by contrast... is generous. He’s not the most empathetic, because he doesn’t get how life works, but he does share the riches of the casnio with everyone and in a cameo appearance in “Treasure of the Found Lamp” gladly offers his nephews some diamonds. He’s got a nice surface level charm to him that makes you understand why people like him.. but it’s also clear ther’es nothing UNDER that of value, making you equally understand why Scrooge and Donald hate him. Gladstone in this reboot is a perfect example of why we need reboots or new adaptations in the first place: Because sometimes the original got something wrong or something can be done much better by the new writers. 
He’s perfectly paired with the setting: The House of Lucky Fortune, a mystical casino with an East Asian astatic based in the country of Macaw and provides two great plots. Donald’s really highlights his character: His understandable jealousy at gladstone earning the boys love through nothing while he struggles to make a living for them, and how he feels like a looser and like Gladstone is simply showing that off instead of just not knowing what empathy is. Having Louie be the one to bond with Gladstone was also just pitch pefefct, as is showing some depth for the boy by having himr ealize his hero is an asshole and be the one to help donald in the end. 
The other plot is just pure joy though and is where the setting REALLY shines: Scrooge and the rest of the kids try to leave.. but can’t find the exit. This is where the creative part comes in: The Casino simply morphs to keep people trapped, and caters to them, giving them whatever they want to keep them trapped. In the cases of the kids it’s all hilarious and adorably in character: Huey becomes entranced by a fancy water show, in one of his best bits of the season, Dewey gets a pet tiger who sadly did not come home with him and Webby gets to live the dream we’ve all had of stuffing her face directly in a choclate fountain. Scrooge’s escape is likewise clever: He simply prepares to get a room.. then books it as the check in desk is ALWAYS near the front. 
We then find out Gladston’es trapped get the whole mystical contest with absolutely gorgeous animation, i’ll talk about it in full some time but this episode is just a treat to watch, has a great arc for donald and had some memorable gags. I can’t help but smile when I watch it. 
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11. The Dangerous Chemistry of Gandra Dee!  As I mentioned before i’m a superhero nerd so naturally Fenton was one of my faviorite parts of the show. Frank and Matt were just damn good at crafting superhero stories, and like gladstone improved fenton turning him from an awkward donald stand in to an awkward peter parker-esque science nerd who just wants to be a good person and the best hero he can be. He got into science not just because he thinks it’s neat, but because he honestly wants to help people and you can’t help but foot for him whenever he pops up. Lin Manuel Miranda is a large reason for that, bringing his incomparable a-game to the character. While we sadly didn’t get a ton of gizmoduck focused episodes, the fatct we got AS MANY as we did and that Lin didn’t drop out for a minute even with his busy schedule was a miracle and I’m acknowledging that. 
As for why this one, I feel it builds brilliantly on the previous Fentoncentric episode Who Is Gizmoduck?! which just BARELY didn’t make this list and uses the fact we haven’t seen fenton in a while as both a plot point and to move some things forward without having to spend screentime they clearly didn’t have. By having Fenton be just burnt out on superheroics it finds a way to both explain where he’s been, he’s been busy with his new job, and give us an interesting angle to the old “superhero is tired of the life” thing. He never once complains about saving people or stuff... it’s just like any job it gets tiring after a while. As someone who has his dream job but has struggled with it from time to time, I vastly relate. 
Though while I love my boy and Lin is game as always, the episodes real MVP is my other boy Huey. The episode has moved Huey up from being simply Fenton’s fanboy to being his best friend, and adorable as hell relationship. The two clearly respect and appricate each other and Huey is looking out for his buddy the whole episode. His love of love is also just really cute. Added in the mix is Webby, who in one of my faviorite gags of the series, finds out Fenton is  Gizmoduck because Huey is incredibly and insanely blatant with his unecessary coverup. But she of course is game to help while Fenton is trying to play it casual. We also just get a waterfall of great gags as everyone overdoes it wingmanning for fenton: Huey sets up an itallian bistro and tries to purposfully create a lady and the tramp situation, and sings opera (With Manny on acordian), the wonderfully 80′s suit from Fenton’s dad his mom gives him to wear, and Launchpad, who gives us a tremendous list of his exes, and plays my favorite song of the series: It’s a Date, a micheal mcdonnel riff. 
This episode also wisely ups Mark’s Beaks game as Fenton’s arch enemy, still keeping him hilaroius, with the guy acting like a bored teenager and guzzling so much nanite jucie he turns into a hulk, as well as said hulk mode leading to a ton of great gags from kidnapping the children (”I got your kids.. are they your kids? I don’t know how this family works), to “take that coach dad” to eating a pie with tins and all and wondering about said tins. But he’s an actual threat now, taking on fenton in one hell of a fight, and having an utterly transcendent scene where he hacks his way past gyro’s security while dancing.. and dabbing because of course he does. It’s a fun, well done character piece that’s mostly here for i’ts laugh but Fenton’s struggle with Gizmo overtaking his life, and finding out someone he truly hit it off iwth only wanted him for that.. it’s really good stuff and Lin’s delivery after Fenton finds out, the pure pain and betryal in his voice, is just excellent. Also that opera scene is poetry. 
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10. Quack Pack!
One of the episodes that started my career naturally landed here. Not for that reason though: Quack Pack is a fun riff on sitcoms, specifically the tgif ones of the 90′s that Disney Afternoon Kids no doubt also watched, the kinds Disney Channel still makes today, and most importanly the kind the Disney Afternoon itself made like Goof Troop and well... Quack Pack. 
Riffs on sitcoms are nothing new and the last year has been FULL of them. 2020 gave us this episode, Beef House and the wonderful “The Perfect House” episode of Close Enough, and this year gave us WandaVision, my second favorite MCU project so far, right behind Black Panther, which used the sitcom deconstruction to create one hell of a character study. 
So you’d think with a year having passed and this concept happening as an entire mini series would dull this one.. but no. it’s still damn funny, having fun at the cliches while, again like WandaVision, having one of the main cast be responsible by accident but go along with it. The episode pivots from glorious affectionate parody of cheesy sitcoms, to that plus horrifying “Humans”, and a character piece for Donald. This brings Donald’s hatred and fed up ness with adventure to a head revealing his fondest wish is just to have a normal life and not loose anyone again. 
It takes one of his best friends to snap him out of it. Look Goofy is my second faviorite of the sensational seven, an episode with him was already an easy sell for me.. but the episode uses him really well. First for laughs as he’s gentically dispositioned to be a perfect sitcom neighbor.. but also for heart. With his family preoccupied and a bit hurt, i’ts Goofy who cuts to the heart of the issue, pointing out NO ONE is normal and even his normal domestic life raising Max, who we see go to prom with roxanne eeeeee, has all sorts of chaos. Normal is what you make of it and pining for some ideal that will never happen was just tearing donald apart piece by piece and by letting go of that.. he finally begins to grow as a person throughout the season. It’s also a great thematic tie in to the season’s overall plot with Bradford and what Makes donald, despite also disliking the chaos his family gets into, different. Donald accepted it and grew as a person.. Bradford clung to his hate and it ate him alive. Or turned him into a non-sapient kind of vulture. Before I close this part out Jaleel White is also excellent and I wish eh’d get back into voice acting. He’s so freaking good at it. Seriously man i’d love to see him and ben in a sonic property together as a mythology gag. Same with Jims cummings and carey. Just think about it whoever owns the sonic movies.. think about it. 
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9. The Last Adventure!
Look I knew this was coming, you knew this was coming. But it had to be on here. The Last Adventure is not perfect: The lack of a build up episode like the previous two finales had really hurt this one: even at about 70 minutes, it still feels rushed in places and Huey, one of hte main characters of the season, dosen’t feel like he has a full payoff to his character like Dewey and Louie got. 
But despite those flaws.. this episode is just a damn good ending. Almost everyone gets a big moment paying off their character arc, everyone in the party that comes to rescue webby and huey, along with the two themselves, gets a moment to show off, and everything comes together to give us one last epic sendoff. There’s just moment stacked on moment stacked on moment from Launchpads heroic second wind and donning of the gizmoduck armor, to Webby’s tearful confrontation with Beakley, to Huey using the greatest adventure of all line to foil bradford in one of the most deligfhully nuts moments of the series, I could go on for days with just how triumphant this finale felt. While it left a lot of doors open.. that feels like part of the design. It’s the end of the fight with FOWL.. but our heroes will never stop adventuring, never stop going and never stop being in our hearts and the curtain call at the end is now my faviorite bit of end credits ever, perfectly giving the main cast and friends one last chance to take a bow in their own unique ways. I will always miss this show but I will never be disapointed by the note it went out on. 
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8. The 87 Cent Solution!
Look some episodes are show stoppers, some are heartfelt tearjerkers, some are all this and more.. and some episodes are just clever and hilarious. The 87 Solution is the second funniest episode of Ducktales with me and my go to episode when watching the show. It’s just pure fun and with a clever premise: Scrooge notices 87 cents have gone missing, and already coming down with a cold, goes mad with paranoia as the kids slowly don face masks, something that has become even eeerier given everything, one by one realizing he needs to stop. 
While David Tennant is an EXCELLENT dramatic actor, his comedy timing is really something that shoudln’t be ignored and i’ts on full display here as his performance gets more and more deranged, to thep oint he thinks an 8th dimensional imp is repsonsible. He nicely balances the disturbing side of Scrooge’s paranoia, his distancing from his family, with plenty of great gags about it too, the standout being when he offers 2 million dollars to whoever took the money like he’s publicly appeasing kidnappers. It’s fucking brilliant. 
But while David is awesome as ever what really, truly makes the episode is my boy, one of my faviorite characters on the show if not my single faviriote FLINTHEART GLOMGOLD. Keith Ferguson is ALWAYS a dream as the character but this is his best performance by far. Part of this is the addition of Zan Owlson, Kev who I mentioned earlier’s faviorite Ducktales character. She’s not only throughly likeable in her own right, but provides the one thing Flinty was missing; a straight man.. or woman in this case. Scrooge wasn’t TERRIBLE in the roll, but can easily step away from his shit or foil it. Owlson has to put up with Glomgold’s nonsense while desperatly trying to stop him from undoing all her hard work with sheer force of jackass. The two jut play off each other brilliantly, Glomgold not getting sh’es not his employee but his equal and Owlson constnatly snarking at him. 
And of course both things hit their peak in the climax with the family staging a fake funeral (Though no one told donald it was fake), and we get the funniest scene in the entire fucking show as Glomgold burts in in a white suit, money shades and full dance number to “All I Do Is Win’, which when first watching this I was convinced the song was somehow accidnetly on in the background but nope. They got it after using it in the test phase and the scene is better for it. Glomgold twerking on Scrooge’s casket, trying to get on it to dance, and having to be placated like ac hild is the icing on this very rich cake
And the reveal scene is also gold as Glomgold gets into a YEARLONG staring contest with a baby, fails to steal more than the 87 cents and, in my faviorite touch, put on an imp costume just to make scrooge seem crazier... then keeps the damn thing on the rest of the time for no explicable reason. The episode is the show at it’s comedic peak while giving Glomgold a chance to be a genuine threat and that’s Glomgood. 
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7. Let’s Get Dangerous!
Frank’s Rebooted Version of Darkwing Duck is probably his greatest achivment with the show. While this show is a team effort, something I slowly realized as I reviewed the show, it’s very clear from the way he talks, how well he knows the show and how much effort was put into porting Darkwing into the reboot that this was his baby. While redefining ducktales for the 2010′s was clearly a huge dream of his... doing the same for the master of suprise was an even bigger goal. And as a huge fan of superheroes i’ve seen my fair share of half assed takes on laired and complex characters. The XCU alone is one giant grab bag of missed opportunities for me. 
So i’ts no exageration when I tell you Frank.. nailed it. In one of the most brilliant moves i’ve seen for a superhero work Frank worked his love of the show into the reboot.. by having Darkwing have been a show, one Launchpad loved.. and so did Drake, who was inspried by the show to become an inspriation himself and while his attempt to do that through a zack snydery reboot failed, Launchpad encouraged him to do it for real. Drake was still himself, but the meta aspect and the toning down of some of darkwing’s more obnoxious traits that didn’t work in a universe that, while patently rediciulous still took it’s characters seriously, he made a BETTER version of the character.
This is where all that comes to it’s peak, and hoppefully convinced Disney to let Frank , and possibly matt, run the reboot. And no, even if Point Grey is producing that dosen’t stop that: Thanks to Invincible i’ve now realized that Seth and his friend Evan producing the show dosen’t mean it’ll be RAN by them, nor unrelated to this. It just means their helping make it and if anything given how lush and gorgeous invincible’s animation is, it’s a VERY good sign their helping out with it if it’s true. 
But wether this versoin continues or not, Frank gave it his best shot. Part of his diffrent angle is having Drake as a rookie here and as such here we see him truly struggle: he’s had his origin, he ahs the cape, he has the gadgets (in a brilliant turn thanks to fenton, who he actually likes... but is so far the ONLY person to not get he’s Gizmoduck), and the city.. but no crime to fight and no real idea how to go about his lifelong dream. The events of the episode slowly shape him: WHile he already had the spirit for darkwing, never giving up, looking good in a cape etc, this episode gives him the heart the same way it gave his original it: With Gosalyn. Dimantopolis and Beatriz just play off each other perfectly, as the two go from neimies to slowly bonding as Drake realizes this kid needs him and that he needs to fight for more than just filing the ohle inside, and goes to hell and back to help her get her grandpa back, with one of the best moments of the episode to me being when Launchpad helps her realize how hard he’s been working at it, an exausted drake refusing to acccept that he can’t get her grandpa back because he promised. He grows from simply trying to live the dream.. to surpassing the original. We also see more from Launchpad, who grows into his new family and helps push his boyfriend and newa dopted daughter in the right directions. The episode really evolves these characters from the simple disney afternoon versions, who while awesome were made into fully fleshed out characters. Gosalyn still has her edge but now has a hard lesson to learn about doing the right thing, forced to give up someone she loves for the greater good but finding a new family in the process. 
Part of what makes the episode work though as while it is funcitonally one big darkwing duck reboot pilot that’s awesome, heartrending and a joy to watch... it’s still a ducktales episode in parts without either part hurting each other. Huey plays a vital role, figuring the ramrod is too good to be true.. and discovering just how it is, then when captured, slowly unravling why Bradford’s there and being at least in part responsible for outing him as a FOWL agent. While this is largely Drakes story the rest of the cast is still vital to it: Scrooge trusting in huey, Louie serving as his logical counter and Dewey meanwhile bonding with team darkwing and helping Gosalyn, knowing exactly where she’s been and providing a nice foil. The episode is just one long and impressive love letter to the original show while creating it’s own thing and that’s really this reboot in a nutshell. It also has some of the best fights of the series, with the first fight between darkwing and bulba, where our hero, unlike his original counterpart, easily troucnes bulba using his speed and skill, is the standout. 
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6. Woo-Ooo!
I covered this one recently so I won’t go on for too long.. but I will say I hold this one up as the gold standard for first episodes. In one hour, hell even in jus the first half we get a sense of the whole cast, the tone of the show, and the world we’ve been thrust into. It gets all the table setting out of the way by weaving it into a compelling story of Scrooge getting back in the game, finding a reason to get back to what he does best in those he loves most and setting up the season long arc effortlessly in the process. The worst I can say about the episode is it sets the bar a bit high for Season 1 and a lot of the first half really struggled to reach these heights. This episode is a masterwork and the perfect showcase for what the series would be at it’s height. 
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5. Moonvasion!
Speaking of Golden Standards, Moonvasion is one of the best season finale’s i’ve seen. it’s not THE best.. but that’s a really high bar to clear and that spots currently taken in my heart by “The Crossroads of Destiny” from Avatar the Last Airbender. But while not the best of it’s kind, it’s sitll the best the series put out and is an utterly satisfying epic that ties up season 2. 
While I love the Last Adventure, it had a LOT to tie up and was really hampered by having to do all of that with no direct lead in. Moonvasion by contrast hits the ground running with the Moonlanders arriving on earth and all hell breaking loose, and the episode itself breaking into two stellar plots. Scrooge leading an army of every ally he has against the invaders, and Della seemingly going for reinforcements.. but really just trying to keep the kids safe from it, to their anger once they find out. 
Both sides end up going badly: Scrooge looses most of his army as Lunaris was one step ahead of him and is left iwth Beakly and Launchpad, while Della ends up marooned.. and finds Donald. The reunion between the two is the highlight of the special, as the two argue as you’d expect (And Dewey cutting in seemingly to stop it.. only to rant at Donald for costing him “ten years of turbo” is the best gag of the episode), before embracing. 
Our heroes naturally find ways to bounce back though. Louie, capping off his growth for the season, convinces his mom they can’t just hide.. and in the second best scene of the episode sings the lullabye she wrote.. one Donald sung them every night
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And no sooner than Della gets her step back and realizes that dangerous or not she and her newly reunited family have to get back in there, do the cousins show up on Fethry’s giant shrimp/girlfriend Mitzi, and our heroes head back. 
Scrooge’s plot hits i’ts peak though as he’s forced to accept the help of an unlikely and unwelcome ally: Glomgold, who turns out to be exactly what they need: While his plan is as stupid, short sighted and insane as you’d expect, complete with forcing Scrooge to dress up as santa just to piss him off and dressing his sharks in parkas (”I call them sharkas”), the sheer lonacy throws Lunaris off as he dosen’t know how to deal with this and Glomgold not only gets the better of him but gets his company back as part of his scheme.  “You were prepared for our best but not our dumbest!” “And i’m the dumbest theirs ever been! Muahahahaha! Wait...”
And of course our other heroes arrive just in time to save things.. and the episode still manages to pull off what many works struggle to, something tha’ts very hard to: a SECOND climax. Lunaris decides to just say fuck it and blow up the earth and i’ts up to our core family to kick his ass in space. Epic space battles, Della’s girlfriend meeting the family and more insues and an emotoinal, action packed and fully satisfying finale is had by all... and it’s all topped with one of the best sequel hooks i’ve ever seen as FOWL makes themselves known to us.. and prepares to strike. 
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4. How Santa Stole Christmas! This one will also be short as i’ve talked about this one.. a lottttt. The initial review, my best christmas specials list and my best of 2020 list. I stand by all of that: this is a unique and wonderful christmas special, i’ll be watching it every year, and i’ts full of charm, humor and gay subtext. In short it’s this series but on christmas footing. 
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3. Last Crash of the Sunchaser! 
Another one I covered very recently, this episode is a master piece of suspense, slowly building tension as our heroes get closer and closer to the truth about Della.. and to death, the simple but deadly stakes making this an absolute nailbiter from start to finish. This is some of the series best pacing bar none... but what seals it is the ending: the masterful flashback finally explaning whatever happened to Della duck, our heroes lashing out at each other.. all cumilating in the best Scene of the show. I said it might be in the review but no I can confirm: Scrooge bitterly ruminating over things while we find out just how much he’s lost... ending with him tearfully and angrily sitting once again alone in one hell of a powerful shot echoing Scrooge’s first apperance. Damn fine stuff. 
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2. Escape from The Impossbin Only one episode not only matches Last Crash in mounting tension and atmosphere but suprasses it. With FOWL and Bradford’s true nature now out in the wind, this episode uses that to create tension and rattles it’s two most unshakable characters: SCrooge’s normal boundless confidence is shot, not sure he can win this time against an opponent who knows him as well as he knows himself while Beakly slowly unravels, pitting Webby against the boys.. and pitting herself against Webby when Webby sees her terroizing them is only dividing them. Both plots start out funny enough but slowly escalate in tension and stakes until by the end your on the edge of your seat. The Beakly plot is the standout of the two, giving Bentina the starring role she badly needed, having gotten even better in light of the finale. Everyone is at the top of their game and everything builds up to one hell of a twist ending and one hell of a badass boast from our heroes: Their down.. but their far from out and this is far from over. 
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1. Nightmare On Kimotor Hill!
I”ll be reviewing this episode in full later this week as part of my Lena retrospective, but I stand by putting it up top. This episode is ducktales in it’s purest form and focuses on it’s best original character as Lena grapples with her self hatred and her past. That core helps anchor an amazing concept: going into the Kid’s dreams and finding out their greatest desires. The results.. are all gloriously rediclous and are easily the best gags of hte series as a whole: Dewey’s high school musical santa claus is going ot high school nonsense from getting a’s in Dewology to running away from the abstract concept of a love intrest, to not getting the sybolism of himself crying a moon made of his own tears. Louie quite literally becoming garfield, and my faviorite scene of the show: Huey, wanting to be the tall older brother..g iving himself horrifcly long leg. While everyone else is just understandably baffled, what makes the scene is the banter between Dewey and Huey, with Schwartz and Pudi at their best as Dewey first freaks out and then asks what the hell man, while Huey defends his weird decision (”I”m not good at imagination stuff okay!”), and then tries to get a jar of pickles. Each dream is just so oddly and wonderfully specific to each kid and each one of the triplests dreams, as well as violets being color coded down tot he backgrounds is a very nice touch. The visuals here are just peak ducktales, using the setting for all it’s worth and the climax is utterly emotoinal and heartbreaking... and Lena’s break from her abuser, finally realizing she has the power now is not only a wonderful metaphor... but also just so damn cathartic. And that’s why this one’s the best to me personally: it just packs so much into 20 minutes: some of the series best and most creative jokes, a gripping emtoinal arc, and so much more. It’s just that damn good and tha’ts why it’s the best... that and starting Huelet for me. Seriously that LIbrary scene is so fucking cute. 
Thank you all for reading. If you liked this artcle, join my patreon and help me get to my stretch goal for monthly darkwing duck reviews, a review of super ducktales and more after! Until the next rainbow... it’s been a pleasure. 
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alemonyoyo · 3 years
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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I spent the final moments of 2021 listening/watching the best episode of South Park. I actually watched my top 5 simply to celebrate the new obsession. I hope it lasts longer than the last on did.
Happy New Year to all of you! Let’s hope 2022 doesn’t suck as much as 2020 and 2021! And let’s hope that if life turns into South Park Post Covid, that we will at least had Adult Jimmy to help us through the pain >:)
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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years
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Trigger warning: so if you don't feel like answering this or don't have the energy. That's alright of you don't.
I've been holding this in for months now and I don't want to tell anyone or burden anyone, (here I am doing it though). but I relapsed back into my suicidal thoughts, and I'm so angry because I was getting better, and now I'm back to staying for other people and not myself. And I'm so tired of living with it, I think 2020 and 2021 brought it back on, and I'm just tired of living with these thoughts every day. My depression and OCD have gotten bad again too, and I'm just tired of feeling this way.
I can't confide in my friends because they have issues of their own and I don't want to burden them. and my family will flip and want to send me back to a kind of suicide prevention place for a week like last time when I attempted. I'm not there, just have the thoughts, but they'll flip. And I don't want to go back there, I don't.
So I've been holding it in for so many months, and lately all I can think is "I hope I don't wake up." or "I hope something happens to me."
And it sucks because I was getting better, and then more shit in my life happened, and I just want a break, and I usually go to fandom for that but all that does is upset me now as well, and I feel isolated, and like I don't really belong even though I seem to fit in so perfectly (even in fandom). Sometimes it feels like no one really thinks there's a possibility that i'm not okay, because i seem so fine and sure of myself. And people tell me I'm so strong but I'm tired of always being so strong, I want to not have to be strong anymore. But then I see people call suicide shameful and a disgrace, and I feel pathetic for the thoughtas. And the time I attempted it, and survived, people called me crazy, and I don't want to be called crazy again, I'm already a big enough fuck up in my family lmao.
I'm sorry for bothering you, and I hope I didn't trigger you or anything. I got a sudden burst of will to finally reach out and say something to someone lol. And I just needed to vent and get it out.
Hello love,
Thank you for reaching out. I'm so proud of you for talking about this. It couldn't have been easy.
I'm sorry that people have responded to your struggles with no empathy or kindness in the past. I hope you know it says more about them than it does about you. While you might believe you need to become stronger, sometimes strength means nothing if the world around you doesn't become kinder. So, try not to think of yourself as the problem - because you're not.
You don't have to take my advice, but I would strongly recommend that you talk to your parents about how you are feeling right now. You might not be in the edge as you say, but you don't always have to wait till the last possible moment. Sometimes, acting early can be really helpful. If you don't want to go back to that camp for any reason, then please do look into other options. Are there any other camps or centers that can support you? Share these options with your parents and ask for their help.
You are never, ever a burden for asking for help. I think if it was the other way around...If one of your friends was struggling and needed your help and reached out to you, I think you would help them. I don't think think you would see them as a burden. So, have the same faith in those who love you too.
Sometimes I feel like I hope I don't wake the next day too. Those days are the worst - and are so scary. At times like that, I remind myself of all the little things I would miss in my future. I would never get to see whether I look foxy when my hair starts to gray. I would never get to the be the cool wine aunt who is also the gay aunt. I never get to know what happens in the end of the shadowhunter chronicles - that last one is particularly terrifying to me. This is an exercise that helps me. I hope it helps you too - at least in the moment.
You shouldn't protect yourself out of fear or shame or judgement. Don't do it for those around you. Do it for yourself. Being strong can be really, really tiring. I feel you. I really do. So, it's okay to take a break - as long you remember to pick yourself up.
I know one thing for sure.
You are not weak. You are not crazy. You are not a fuck up.
I bet the people who said those things don't have half the courage or resilience you have right now.
And another thing.
You are a fighter. You went to the camp and came back stronger. You got better, remember? That was all you. If you did once, you can do it again.
I know you feel like giving up, but the fact that you reached and talk about this shows that you want to keep fight.
There is a part of you that wants to keep fighting - hold on to that.
These last two years took so much from us. We are not going to let it take you away too. You are staying right fucking here.
You belong on this hell site. You belong to this world. You belong to yourself.
I know you are looking for strength. But at this time, you need love and support too - now more an ever.
Reach out. Ask for help. There is nothing shameful about it. You are fighting for yourself and your future - that is an inspiring and beautiful thing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I'm always here (anon or not) if you want to talk about anything at all - even to discuss what the future would look and what we would miss if we didn't give ourselves the chance to see it.
(ps - This includes a free opportunity to discuss all possible theories about what happens to Magnus Bane in the future - if you don't know who that is then holy shit you have so much to learn so don't give up!!!!)
I hope you feel a little better after reaching out. I hope it encourages you to reach out to more - to me or anyone else.
All my love, Dani x.
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phynali · 3 years
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so not to ruminate on things that vex me, but the past 2 or so months have been kinda shit, and i’m trucking along and there absolutely are high points and good things and joys that balance some of this out, but i need to vent out some of the negative emotions somewhere to get ‘em out. so i guess i’m doing that here because - 
we’re in lockdown#6 where i live (state of victoria) and it’s hard, this yo-yo of restrictions and swinging in and out of one lockdown after another. 
for those who understandably won’t know, what we call lockdown here means not just restaurant and commercial closures and mandatory working from home unless you’re in an industry where that’s impossible -- it also means no guests (0) inside you’re home unless you’re both living alone and single or else romantic partners, it means not leaving your home at all except for one of 4-5 necessary reasons, not being outside for more than 2hrs per day even to exercise, and not going more than 5km from your home unless required for work/medical/etc required reasons.
it’s intense. we spent (i think) 128 days in this degree of lockdown in 2020, never mind how many we spent in other forms of restrictions and working from home. and we’ve been back in it four (4) times in 2021 already. in-out-in-out-in-out - 
it’s taking a toll on the mental health of every person i know. we get weekly emails with wellbeing and resilience tips from my job -- not just “be productive or else” capitalism but heartfelt ones from wellbeing officers with copies of articles like this one on languishing from the NYT, acknowledging we’re all struggling and directing us to the plethora of wellbeing resources our workplace is trying to provide, not only to us but reminding us they offer it to our families too.
i’m one of the lucky ones. i’m really not trying to wallow here or to pretend otherwise. i appreciate that i can work from home, even though i can’t focus when i do and it this interacts with my adhd to fuck my productivity. even if i’m so behind and delayed it feels like i’ve lost 12-18 months worth of work and it will have long-term ramifications on my career -- even so, i still i have a job. i still get paid. and i even kept my job, a bit by the skin of my teeth but i did, when my sector downsized last year. yes, the way my employer went about lay offs left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth (my own included), but i made it through. 
and my sector, while affected, is by no means the worst of the collateral damage.
the yo-yo of lockdowns is taking a very very real toll on industries like hospitality, tourism, commerce. and the economy does have indirect effects on health and mental health as well. my friend, a waitress, was on her way to work the evening shift at a restaurant when she got the call about the latest lockdown. she had to turn around and go home because the announcement came just hours before the lockdown was imposed, and every place suddenly had to close by 8pm. bye bye evening shift. so much of the government support for these industries has dried up, has been inadequate. 
lockdowns save lives. i don’t begrudge my state for imposing one except that yes -- i’m resentful we’re here again with only six cases. i can be both accepting and grateful and also pissed and tired and more all at once. 
even more than the latest lockdown, i’m pissed about the yo-yo. that we went into lockdown in june, came out in july, went back in in july, came back out in july, are going back in now, in the first week of august. three lockdown/re-openings in 10 weeks, as if this rollercoaster doesn’t completely incapacitate our ability to plan or prepare for anything more than a week out, more than a day out -- in this case, more than a few hours out. 4pm the lockdown was announced, with an 8pm start time. as if that doesn’t have more insidious consequences on individuals and industries than a more clearly articulated and consistent approach. as if all the restaurants that got to open up this week didn’t purchase large food orders for this weekend that will spoil because they were given 4 hours notice to close their doors.
that’s the part i hate, right now more than the lockdowns themselves. consumer sentiment was at a high in april, optimism was everywhere. people felt good, and like we had a plan forward. now -- well, now my job is sending me emails about how normal and okay it is that i might be ‘languishing’ because aren’t we all?
and i absolutely do begrudge my federal government, and i’m angry with them, and this is part of why:
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but i also accept, to some extent, that these decisions have all been made in difficult circumstances, and i’m not really about to pretend i could do any better. 
at the same time, australia’s vaccine rollout is among the slowest and lowest at least within OECD countries. i know that’s partly because we’ve managed the keep cases low and therefore we are prioritized less when it comes to who needs the vaccines most (and thus who is earlier in line to be able to purchase) among other geo-political reasons i won’t get into, but it still very much sucks. our timeline and ability to move forward and ability to stop having lockdowns requires a mostly-vaccinated population, and that’s not something we’ll have anytime soon.
and i am a visa-holder here and my family is back in canada and with our current border restrictions leaving to visit is honestly is not an option because i wouldn’t be able to return, to work. i’m managing that distance okay most of the time despite my homesickness and frustration but my partner’s parents are older and his mother’s health just isn’t amazing and it’s weighing on him a lot. 
a phd student i work with just had a parent die in another country while stuck here, had to drop everything to return, is devastated by not being by their parent’s side when it happened because it came on sudden, and now won’t be able to come back into australia after, will have to finish their thesis remotely from abroad. stories like that are becoming commonplace in certain circles, here. this student is not the first or only person i know who has been in that exact situation in the past year.
it’s enraging, and upsetting, and instills a sense of helplessness because -- there’s nothing that can really be done about it. there’s no good answer, but it’s scary to think of what could happen. i know it scares my husband. if his mother’s health suddenly dips -- does he drop everything and leave? how can he not? would i go with him or hold the fort here? what ramifications does that have either way?
right now, we’re in the first stages of getting permanent residency, my job is putting in the nomination, and this is one of those awesome high-points i mentioned. it’s a very much needed sense of security in my career and my future in this country. but while a PR application is pending and under review, you can’t leave the country, even in pre-covid times. it takes months to get the application fully nominated, accepted, then submitted, and months on months to process.
in january 2020 we had agreed that for xmas 2020 we’d return home to canada. obviously the world changed and we quickly determined that wouldn’t be the case. we pushed that plan back to july-aug 2021, then to october 2021, xmas 2021. my partner’s sister asked him last week if we started making plans, booking things for xmas, was calling to check that we’d had our second jabs. he had to explain the situation to her, that we aren’t even eligible for our first vaccine yet, that we aren’t holding out any real hope of visiting, not this year, not until mid-next.
anyway - i’m just. languishing, i guess, if that’s the word for it after all. i know it’s not the same as depression -- i’ve had episodes of that, been treated for it in different ways. this is and feels different, even if there are obvious similarities. whatever to call it, it sucks, and i hate it. and i hate the other lows and anxieties and crap i’ve been dealing with in the past few months as well that didn’t make it into this post about covid. crap with work, with friends, with goddamn car rentals of all stupid things. crap that’s making me anxious and crap that just needs processing. crap that is, ultimately, massively exacerbated because lockdowns turn us into little rats gnawing on the bars of our cages.
and i guess i just needed to talk about it somewhere, to organize my thoughts and free up some headspace (emotion space?) currently being used to hold these thoughts and feelings in place. i kind of hate posting personal crap like this and always get the urge to delete but i also have a hard time organising my thoughts if i don’t write them out with this intent to post. sort of want to go outside and scream at god, sort of want to phone up a friend and yell at him for an hour for being an exhausting ass, sort of want to be alone for a day to curl up under a blanket with a movie that’ll make me cry because raging at the universe is always so much easier when i’m alone and unobserved. but i guess since those aren’t especially kind or feasible i’ll post this instead.
anyway - if you read to the end of this for any reason, i’m not trying to be maudlin, and there’s really no need to respond. it’s just a feelings dump, sucking some of the poison out, not really much different than journalling but i’ve always been better at that online than on paper. 
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