#hopefully i'll start with a therapist next month

[yaoicoreren]

sorry, depression got me so good this time

[martiandmichelle]

Is there a profile anywhere to match my Marti's? It seems to defy gravity that she can stand up straight!

Hey guys, it's Roxy. Those of us ladies who appear here on tumblr with Marti took a vote as to who should tell the stories we need to tell to bring you, our beloved readers and followers, up to date on what's going on both at Marchelle (our home estate) and at Studio M - our adult studio. It was almost a unanimous vote with only one dissent; I was the dissenting vote while everyone else voted for me. So I'll make a small start here and can hopefully finish it all next week since the studio is closed. Most of what I'll write will be in the past - some near, some far - but I'll start in the present, with, what else THE TITS.

I suspect all you Marti aficionados have already noticed from the photo that THE TITS are growing again - and quickly! But that's how it's usually been with Marti: several months of little to no boob growth followed by a short but rapid and intense growth. She's in that intense phase right now, and though she only recently graduated to a T cup at the rate she's growing she'll be a U cup sometime this winter. Fucking amazing!!!

Of course, at her size now, we all worry about whether the rest of her body and especially her back, shoulders and neck can continue to support her massive hooters. She says she has no pain whatsoever aside from some minor pain from her tits as they grow so quickly. She has a group of doctors, therapists (that would be Dana), a live-in nurse (Gina), a nutritionist (Gail), and a trainer working with her and monitoring her at least once a month. They all say she is perfectly healthy and truly seems to bear the weight of her breasts with no difficulty - well, except that the sometimes get in the way of everyday activities, like putting on her shoes.

As we said here earlier, Marti lost some 12 pounds during her sickness and yet her boobs actually grew! She's determined to keep the weight off and plans to get back to her rigorous work-outs after Christmas.

I'll try to write more later today, but in case I don't: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

[thisnightissparkling089]

I'm struggling tonight, so what better way to clear my head than to spill my guts to random people on the internet! I guess I feel safer expressing myself here, because I'm nervous my friends will judge me. Even though deep down I know they'd be nothing but supportive and empathetic.

So for the next 3 months, I'll be on a course of steroids, and at least for the next few weeks, 3 days a week, I'll be taking an antibiotic. Which means no alcohol.

I don't consider myself to have a problem with alcohol or my drinking. A few nights a week, I'll have a glass or two of wine. Or a beer here and there. A margarita on occasion. I've never craved alcohol, needed it to start my day, not known when to stop, I've never blacked out, driven drunk, or had my drinking affect my daily life or my relationships.

It's just, the option to drink has always been there to do, so I do so in moderation.

Now it's off the table completely, and I'm not sure how to handle that. I probably wouldn't have drank today anyway, but now that it's not an option, it's on my brain. And I was supposed to have therapy tonight, where I would have talked this out, but my therapist got sick and had to leave early.

It's like, I like cheeseburgers. I don't eat them every day, but I like them occasionally. I might have one and then not have one for 3 weeks. But if you put me on a diet today and told me I couldn't have a cheeseburger for the next 3 months, no exceptions, cheeseburgers would be the only thing on my mind.

I can do this, I know I can. I'd still like to have a baby some day, and that's 9 months of sobriety, triple the time! And during IVF, I chose not to drink during any of my treatment, which all combined was about 3 weeks. I think that time around, it was easier because I was doing it for my future child. I had something concrete to focus on.

I know I'll be fine, and hopefully by the end of this, I'll discover and perfect some really great mocktail recipes. It's just that today is day one, and it feels daunting.

[captain-aralias]

life update

i'm 14-weeks pregnant 🎉

due date: 30th may

bit more info below the cut

i thought about making a lulzy WIP wednesday post (aka, "here is what i'm working on") along these lines a few times, but i didn't want to tag anyone into personal stuff they didn't necessarily want, and also i thought i miscarried almost immediately and that started me down a spiral of anxiety, so now it's not so funny. but anyway - i thought today would be a good day to tell people, since we're out the first trimester.

how:

IVF - worked first time

my partner's egg

donor sperm - man it's weird buying sperm, particularly from america, although i only browsed. i bought from the UK. i do know men i could have asked, but in the end i thought... i dont know anyone well enough i'd want to have a child with them. at all.

happy to answer questions about any of the above, if you're interested. thinking of writing a blog about it in my work persona.

how am i?

fine apart from the anxiety!

my main symptoms have been exhaustion, leading to very little writing, and some nausea but pretty weaksauce compared to some

i've told most people at work, which is a very supportive environment, so all good.

my partner's therapist said (to her) not to make big life decisions so soon after the death of my mum/her dad on the same day about a year ago, but we are both in our mid thirties and at our most financially viable, so - hopefully it's fine.

how is baby?

probably ok! we've seen them on several scans, definitely have two arms, two legs, brain, etc

still haven't managed to do the test that tells you the likiehood of Downs etc, though, as the baby has refused to move into a position where they could get a good measurement. we may know towards the end of december - so that is making me More Anxious, but it's still fine

why am i putting this on the internet?

a few reasons.

firstly - i would've told livejournal. the same thing happened when my mum died - i wanted to tell the online community i'm part of, the same way i've told friends and people from work.

but also - because i've been saying i've been tired and that i'm not writing on here, and i wanted everyone to know... this is why. i'm not sick! i'm just pregnant.

AND ... i don't know what the next six months, and then the next.......... twenty years will be like. i'm hoping to write a few more Carry On things before the baby arrives, assuming the second trimester is less tiring (which seems likely so far), but who knows? and probably less after that. BUT WHO KNOWS.

my partner is also a fandom person. i have nine(ish) months of maternity leave (thanks, britain!) and she'll be around for most of that too, thanks to working from home. so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe i'll be writing a bunch of extremely realistic babyfics or something. probably not, but you never know.

anyway!

that's the news.

it may all still go wrong, obviously. we haven't done all the tests, still six months to go.

i'll update with these same tags, if we lose the baby for whatever reason, and i'll update if we don't!

[jackalope78]

Starting Treatment

I'm starting treatment next week. Which is great! But also kind of nerve wracking. A week from today I will officially be immunocompromsed, and that'll be true probably for the rest of my life, or until a better treatment option comes along.

It's a little scary to think about being immunocompromisd though, especially because COVID seem to make it's way around my office about once every six months or so. We're in the latest round of it right now. I will say, a few people made sure to specifically let me know that Person X had it because they wanted to make sure I was ok and hadn't interacted with them. That is nice of them.

But yes, starting treatment next week. I've arranged for friends to drop me off at the medical center where I'll be for FOUR TO FIVE HOURS and then another person to come and pick me up after. While I was making those arrangments, the person who is going to pick me up offered to come immediately after she drops her daughter off at school and just sit with me the whole time, which is so nice of her. Honestly, the people around me have just been so amazing and supportive, willing to step in and help where ever they can. I'm worried it won't last, but for now I'm gonna take it.

In other news, I've been made aware that anxiety and depression are common symptoms of MS, and I'm wondering how much is that from being diagnosed with an incurable and potentially debilitating disease and how much of it is because MS attacks the brain and thus alters your brain chemestry? I mean, is there really a difference? Probably not for treatment, but I'm curious. I have anxiety and depression issues anyway, going back to my teenage years, though I haven't had a bad flare up in a long while. Hopefully, the MS doesn't trigger anything, though I have been considering getting myself a therapist to help process this new diagnosis. An internet aquaintance, someone I met once but was friendly with online, had MS, and she commited suicide a few years back. It devestated me at the time, and I'm worried about that happening to me now. I have dealt with suicidal ideation in the past, I'm good right now and I would like to stay that way. The more I think about this, by writing it down, the more I do think I should probably get a therapist so that someone professional can keep an eye on me. It's far too easy to become a boiled frog, especially when you live alone and have a bad habit of hiding bad symptoms from your friends. HI IT'S ME. I'M THE BOILED FROG.

But today, today is a good day. And yesterday was a good day. So I'm gonna hold onto those days while they're here.

[spaceoperetta]

today I learned a new phrase!

tw suicide, long post where I talk about how awful I've been feeling

'passively suicidal.'

of all things, I saw it on a twitter post about kendall roy

and, uh, that's what I'm going through right now I'm having a bad time.

I'll be fine I'm not going to do anything but I have cried every day for the last two weeks. don't give yourself constant jaw pain by letting a new-to-me dentist file down the side of your tooth. (I needed a filling replaced early bc of pain but it was nothing compared to this, I'm so stupid and instantly knew something was wrong after, I legit got home and wanted to hurt myself, but when I called the dentist back they wanted to file more shit down to fix it and, no.)

Ways to fix it run anywhere from 'get the filling adjusted by a different, trusted professional' (done, but they can't build up what was ground down) to 'try a mouth guard' (better but doesn't fix the issue) and I guess I'll need a crown or to cope with unending pain in my jaw for the rest of my life. except they make crowns off your current tooth and it's not right! and I got a filling since then elsewhere! something I am utter shit at because I caused it by saying yes it's not like I was hit by a car

hurts to talk, no singing from me, and I still can't do all that much shit with my wrists and therefore hands because, still recovering from wrist surgery. and my neck's been hurting for two months.

going to see a new therapist next week, at least. unfortunately due to my first hand POV of my siblings extensive health issues I always think my health issues will never go away/get worse. because that's been my past two years and also my past six months

anyway turns out 'passively suicidal' is the correct phrase for what I went through in college due to my whole breakdown and it's back except I'm not in school and it's in my body and even though I know it doesn't matter, they're issues I caused myself, one way or another. (and that's what's driving me crazy with self-loathing amidst the pain)

working on fixing things but I have no energy and mostly just sit around like a lump and crying a lot. I need a routine but that's hard when all I want to do is sleep or do nothing, barely keeping on with 'massage healing surgery site 3x a day' my first one was at 2pm today.

so, uh, I'm feeling up there with said college breakdown for worse consistent feeling in life. I'm not going to do anything I just feel sad and upset and awful most of the time either that or nothing and I have successfully zoned out for a few hours watching streams or internet videos. I have trouble imagining any future for myself, career-wise, personal life-wise, anything. I've never been good at that, and granted, I've spent more of my adult life being depressed than being productive.

anyway, hopefully like the mountain goats say, there will come a day when I will feel better, but when that day's coming, who can say?

I got some prozac from my pcp but haven't started it yet due to imagined, easily resolved barriers

I just feel like if I don't fix things it'll be like this forever and this will never go away. because it's fucking jaw pain and I have to fix the bite issue. my orthodontist said my bite's always been shit and my dentist said my bite is 'perfect' and uh I believe one of the more than the other.

I've just had a lot of health issues this year and half of them were caused by saying 'yes' to something I shouldn't have and now I'm in pain and the other half were 'so you played too many videogames two years ago to distract from the desire to self harm and now you just think about how that harmed you even more than that moment of slapping yourself would have'

yes I know it's all stupid

[queerdesire]

September 30, 2022

It's been a minute since my last update.

What have I accomplished this week? Well I drove for the first time in the dark last night and honestly I think I smiled all the way home. I'm getting so much more comfortable driving and it's starting to feel so fucking good. I'm hoping to have my license by the end of the year. Driving is not as scary and anxious as I always imagined. I'm proud of myself for this.

Let's see what else am I proud of? Oh! I have paid all my bills but two, both are due on the 6th so not late but I'll probably do it right now as all the other payments should of went through. I'ma be a broke ass bitch but it feels so fucking good to be able to pay everyone time.

I also deleted some girls number! She's been semi dicking me around for a month, and I let her >.< She was the one who hit me up and was interested and wanted to go on a date. I was going with the flow of it. Started out texting strong and things like that but then it became 8 separate times of excuses. Like we were not anything where a conversation of her no longer interested would of been perfectly okay. I even said as much during excuse number 6 lmao. But deleting her phone number and not replying back to her bs felt good. And then my toxic side may have left her on Snapchat 🙈🤡, I don't look at her snaps but she has replied to three of my hot story ones since I've deleted her number and ignore last excuse text and it feels kinda good to be like yeah I'm hot and you missed out. Even if it's in my head and even if that may be a bit toxic lol regardless I'm glad I was able to be like I'm done, and it was okay that it took me a month 😭 because I still was able to stop the pattern instead of continue the pattern of letting ppl use me like that.

I've had two therapy sessions now, the first session I felt hella guilty leaving and the second one I felt like I was on a good high. I was given therapy homework though and I haven't accomplished it :( and I don't think I will before Tuesday. I'm supposed to go out with someone and do something out of my comfort zone. The issue with this assignment is I'm scared to ask ppl to hang out that I wouldn't normally cuz that fear of the rejection and I guess that's the whole point. I did ask a girl one hinge if she wanted to hangout in person and I didn't get a reply so I'ma go with that as my assignment completed lmfao. Oooh and in therapy my therapist at one point said "I'm seeing a pattern here do you?" And I didn't so hopefully I will see the pattern she spoke of with the more sessions I have as she didn't tell me lmao.

Hmm what else? Oh completely over my ex! Well for the most part. Obviously I'll always wish it would be different but I've come with terms that she will never want to be friends and I haven't looked at her socials so much so that I missed her bday lol so that felt like a win. Only looked at her socials the last few days. But to be honest I think I'm using Tumblr as a distraction 😅 I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing tho.

Let's see what else...oh the new job is going very well! Last night it felt so easy, I think I asked someone one question and I remembered to bring silly things like the pizza stand, app plates, pepper mill, instead of forgetting until last minute. Oh and a coworker has now started to play with my hair and honestly makes me feel a bit loved, as touch is my love language. She's super sweet. Also last night one of the "favorites" told me I was, "the better new servers" and that I am a "hard worker" my cocky ass knew this, my cocky ass knew i would be but I can't say that :P I'm playing a political game here. But I said thank you lol oh and I was sitting next to some girls and they included me in conversation and one was like yeah when deena first met me she told me she thought I was gonna be a bitch 😅😂. So then everyone wanted to know what I thought about them. One of the girls was like did you think I was gonna be mean? And I told her yes I said "we didn't speak until Sunday!! So yes I thought you were going to be mean but you're very nice." Turns out she told me she's shy and I 100% can see that. I did not tell any of them that I think all pretty girls are going to be mean because they are hot lmao

I don't think anything else happened this week that is note worthy. I havent cried or felt hopeless in awhile and that is a wonderful feeling. I honestly think that has to do with therapy tho.

My period is very late and I'm pregnant jk jk jk 😂 but it is late af. That bitch needs to get here.

OOOH I REMEMBERED SOMETHING. One of my best guy friends works at my new job, he is why I went there. And a different coworker came up to me and was like "do you know Sean talks about you alot?" "I think he likes you" etc etc. And I was dying absolutely trying not to laugh because Sean is such a homie, I would say brother but we playfully flirt sometimes to hype the other up so what ever that makes him. But I had to explain to the coworker that Sean is a close friend, my homie is how I think I worded it. The dude was so small minded though and wouldn't stop and I was like I'm extremely gay and Sean knows this so there isn't anything between us. (I think it's because Sean and I hug at work) because the kid still didn't let it go. I went over to Sean immediately after and him and I got a huge laugh. Sean also said he had never even spoke to the dude before lmfao so I'm real confused but find it amusing nonetheless.

[y4wnjunz]

chapter 1

warnings: cursing, overthinking, nothing really just a good intro for y/n’s life.

word count: ?? i lost count sorry!

today is the day we'll finally be sizing our suits in preparation to go home, or well.. earth as majority of the population calls it. we're currently over the pacific ocean, which i assume it is as it's just a big vast of blue.

my cousin, mark, he says when i get acclimated to the gravity on earth, i'll get to experience real public school, not the school i've been stuck with for the past couple of years.

i wonder what it's like having friends. and boyfriends. or even girlfriends. and sleeping on a plush mattress without straps holding you down. or the smell of grass and not burning plastic, which space smells like.

here in the station we grow plants to help produce o2 or well, oxygen. what's it like on earth, where the wind blows in your hair and helps you cool off in the summer heat.

mark calls summer time, the devil's asshole.. whatever that means.

living in the station and only being around jay, yuna and our unofficial/ official babysitter, officer kim or soojin as we call her; it's hard, because i have no idea these slang words mark says during our video chats.

i've met some of mark friends, heeseung is quiet and jake reminds me of the golden retrievers that i've seen on movies. loud. energetic. and a partier.

they tell me all the stories of their weekly frat parties, every saturday at 8pm they all get plastered and puke their guts out the very next morning. sounds like a pain in my opinion.

they say it's fun until they have to get up for their 9am lecture on monday.

the thought of actually meeting someone other than the people i grew up with scares me. what if i have the permanent smell of burning plastic, or what if i actually never meet these people because my immune system is compromised from living in this floating tin can.

a worrisome expression makes its way into my eyebrows. making jay look at me from his treadmill. he takes his sweatband off; you know to prevent sweat from messing up the computers or getting into someone's eye. not good, happened once and we all got a whole new asshole from the captain on the ground. "hey y/n.. you okay?" jay asks floating next to me.

"yeah, just worried i guess," i look at him and he's nodding his head in agreement.

"i understand y/n. i'm scared shitless for the mission. can you believe we'll be down there in a month?? that's insane. all we've ever known is this!" jay says.

"we got this," i grab his hand and give it a firm hold. he squeezes it back in agreement.

i worry about everything as you can tell. from the possible reaction our bodies could have from radiation to what tomorrow will bring. i have a personal therapist that works for nasa, she's pretty cool. she says i'm one of the first people to be born in space, which that's a given. thanks linda. btw linda isn't her name, she just allows me to call her that since her real name is extremely hard to pronounce.

i torpedo back to my room, which is quite small. a little window with a bed and a tiny bathroom which is quite funny since our bathroom consists of tubes, and bags to store our- well you know.. hopefully.

i grab my book that's strapped down to my bed and read. it's quite fun floating around and getting to just read in the air. something mark, heeseung and jake are all jealous of. maybe one day they'll get to experience this. who knows, after-all jay, yuna and i's parents are astronauts so we got first dibs when our mothers were pregnant.

"hey y/n, we're doing a death sim, so come join us in the bridge please!" soojin says over the intercom. i sigh and place my book back under the bed strap and torpedo back out the door into the bridge.

jay, yuna and soojin are already there with their hands on the railing by the command desk. we can't exactly sit in space so we awkwardly float there with our hair going everwhere. jay blows yuna's hair out of his mouth and almost immediately start arguing.

beep

beep

beep

the control panel indicates that we can be seen by the commander. he's actually the guy who gives orders and is the one who started us as lab rats when he found out two of his astronauts was two months pregnant. i'm honestly surprised we all survived the three-hour trip to the station.

"glad to see everyone is getting along, jay. yuna. and hello soojin and y/n! how's everyone feeling?" commander park says with an eye smile. commander park is actually jay and yuna's great uncle, he's about 60 years old, pretty cool, but i can't help but to despise him for putting us in space.

there were mixed responses from everyone; good. soojin sleepy. yuna i'm bored. jay

and me.. idk how i'm feeling right now, so i stick with the good ole response.

"i'm good, how are you commander park?" i say trying to get this death sim started and over with.

after an hour or two, i lost count, the death sim was over with and we were able to go back to our living quarters to prepare for the next day.

we're so close to going to earth and i'm feeling it in my chest.

[witchykincare]

Hey everybody!! Sorry it's been so freaking long.

Just wanted to give people an update! I'm a lot more stable mentally, I've had what's going on with my mental health medically recognized by my therapist, and things are finally winding down since I lucked into a condo!

Unfortunately it's gonna be a couple months before I can actually move out yet-- I'm still doing all the paperwork and my current place's lease isn't up till the end of October. I'm going to take the L financially and move out a few weeks ahead of my actual moveout date, but tbqh I think it'll be worth it to get to sleep again. And my dog will be able to come stay with me again!!

I also have a close friend coming in from out of state for a week at the end of October!

So here's my plan for things going forward:

I'm aiming to reopen requests around the middle of November, and hopefully I can get started on the ones still in my inbox soon.

Once requests reopen, I'm only going to stick to the stuff that's on my faves list for a while.

I don't know how long I'll be doing that for, but it's easier for me to get back into a groove when it's all stuff I really enjoy. It probably won't be permanent!

I got a new deck of tarot cards and found my other ones! so I'll be able to reopen those when I get settled in.

I got into charm casting and I'm working on building a shell casting set! I might offer those as raffle prizes the next time I host one.

I hope everybody's been staying safe! Really miss y'all, I can't wait to get back to working on requests!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw brief mentions of panic attacks, suicidality, death, trauma and dissociation, not so brief of self harm

Hey, I am currently looking for a therapist and I am a bit afraid of therapy tbh. I have a lot of trauma and forgot a lot and guessing by my symptoms, even worse stuff than that, what I remember. Most of it goes back to my abusive childhood home. And I am afraid what will happen, when I'll work on it and maybe/hopefully remember stuff again. I am afraid I'll go back to having 4 panic attacks a day, 3 day in a row unable to sleep, flashbacks or suicidality again. I once "woke up" (from dissociation-ish) and realized, I had zero memories of the last 3 months.

(Idk I just need to write this down: the like last thing I remembered was that I started to cut myself very lightly for... the feeling of overcoming myself. My natural will to be unharmed, whatever. And then I "woke up" and was sitting on my bed and was self harming at that moment, already had bad scars and didn't cut lightly anymore.)

I don't want this to ever happen again.

It's not like I overcame any of this, but panic attacks are rare, sleep issues not that bad, flashbacks very rare and I've gotten used to my suicidality. Okay I actually stopped self harming. I am not thriving but living in a way that is... okay. And I am leaving this relative safety (at least I know what shit to expect) for therapy and I am scared.

I mean... at the end of the session you'll leave their office after 45min, no matter how shocked or dissociated etc. you are and you are forced to sit with whatever issue on your own for the next week. That sounds scary as shit. I occasionally remember stuff that I once forgot and even then, like "remember when that aunt you barely knew died?" leaves me so unable to cope for many days. What about serious memories?

I am very scared.

Hi anon,

Thank you for reaching out so I could have the opportunity to validate and acknowledge your pain: I am so sorry for your experiences, and the impact it has on your daily life.  

I want to commend you for having the self awareness to even reach out for therapy options - many people do not - and it is very understandable that the process of unpacking memories, especially ones where our body remembers, but not our minds, feels panic inducing.  I’ve talked about this before, but essentially there is such a thing as trauma amnesia, and there have been studies (one, and two) and books (one, and two) on how trauma impacts our brains, where our body remembers but our conscious minds do not.  

Now when it comes to therapy, yes, there is a chance that unpacking your feelings, experiences, and memories in a safe space with a professional who is hoping to help form a treatment plan to help you thrive - might in fact, bring up painful ones that feel new to you.  But there is also a possibility that even with treatment you may never recover these memories and it might be more imperative to navigate the physical reactions to the feelings without the memories.

My hope would be that you could further explore them in your session for a set time, and then with the help of the therapist help calm your nervous system down with enough time to discuss coping skills/tools for how to handle the remainder of the week before you go into your next session.  

However, this is a skill that can take time to develop, so whether you find something that speaks to you right away, or whether it takes months, you are commendable for even wanting to put in the effort in the first place.  I do believe with the help of a trained professional it will go much faster than if you were simply tackling this on your own, and my hope is that with the healthiest supports in place for you, you will go from surviving to thriving.

Good luck <3

- Mod Kat

[hellishrebukesystem]

System Update--Graham and David @ Front 02/12/24

Got a break from the psychosis today--no sightings of deerwomen crucifixes, priests in neighbor's yards, tarantulas, or burning men with flesh wings in our living room. The creepy whispering as gone away for today as well--we slept for 11 hours and 2 minutes after not sleeping for nearly thirty six hours. That being said, we are starting our sleep fast over and plan to stay awake for the next 72--it is hard to explain exactly why we are doing this but it mostly has to do with trying to commune and communicate with other dimensions/timelines/etc. We know that sounds like psychosis, but we aren't so sure that it is, rather we think that maybe it might be a spiritual awakening of sorts. We didn't take our night meds to achieve this goal and will continue to not take meds for the next 72 hours.

***This is not an endorsement of going against treatment plans or doctor's advice--I'm not telling you what to do--I just know what's right for me and my needs as of this moment in time.***

We got major headache around five today, but it was gone by nine tonight, so hopefully we can keep our physical health problems to a minimum--we also hope to go on a liquid fast and only drink liquids and consume no more than one meal a day for the at least the next 72 hours. This also not for weight loss or ana reasons and I do not support that, and I am not encouraging that--this is for religious reasons and if you are struggling with an ED, you should not take this for some kind of diet or reason to starve yourself. I have clear reasons for doing this, I have a therapist and people taking care of me--this is not something to do without doctors and people around you to monitor you and make sure you will be okay, okay?

Anyway--Graham is annoyed because he thought he was done with having to deal with shit like this--He and I try to be friends, but we usually end up getting on each other's nerves, because well--we just handle these things very differently; he wants to be responsible and keep house/keep things clean/make the bed/take care of the body--yada yada yada and I'm more the type to just get exhausted and want us to take a break. Let stuff slide a little and just enjoy the quiet moments we get; we were both disappointed about all the sleeping but for very different reasons, ya know.

I was disappointed because I had a gillion fun things planned, but we fell asleep instead and that was frustrating, like I wanted to get caught up on all the relaxing we hadn't been doing for the last however many months and I wanted to feel good, ya know? I was pissed at Graham too, because he took the damn morning and night meds (yesterday) even knowing that was gonna make us fucking tired! He took the day meds today too--but fortunately I did not take night meds even tho he tried really hard to convince us to. I know if I can make it past midnight, I will stay up all night--and I'll be happy to. I'm not happy to have to start the fast over again. It is so stupid--like we get the instructions on what to do and Graham wants to ignore them all the time.

He was disappointed in us too for falling asleep--not last night--but the nap that we took--which we wouldn't have taken if we hadn't fallen asleep last night--it's a momentum thing--the longer you stay awake the easier it is to stay awake after a certain point--it tips in your favor. If he had let us keep browsing Tumblr too--we would've been fine--we would've been wide awake. That's another trick; you can't let yourself get bored. It fucks up everything. He disappointed about the nap because he wanted to do some homework/revisions for our MFA class--but honestly, I was pretty pissed at him for it--we didn't even have feedback from the professor yet and he wanted to pressure us into doing some stupid ass unfocused work. It would've been easier if he would've let us have this. I can't believe he undid our work.

Honestly, sorry this is so long--this probably won't be the last you hear about it--honestly, I might just, like, idk, do a call-out for Graham, not that he'll read it the little bastard, but I'd feel better about. Separate post. KK bye.

[captain-aralias]

My Year in Review (but i cut the giant gif)

summary is - my top posts this year are recs, discord links .... and a pregnancy announcement!

I posted 1,105 times in 2022

165 posts created (15%)

940 posts reblogged (85%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@facewithoutheart

@cutestkilla

@artsyunderstudy

@letraspal

@forabeatofadrum

I tagged 908 of my posts in 2022

Only 18% of my posts had no tags

#carry on - 700 posts

#carry on fanart - 277 posts

#fic rec - 235 posts

#my content - 177 posts

#unintended - 38 posts

#snowbaz - 36 posts

#restoration ecology - 31 posts

#simon snow series - 22 posts

#doctor who - 16 posts

#sort of - 10 posts

Longest Tag: 129 characters

#the ones i'm disappointed with didn't quite sell the premise or i had to write them too hurriedly or forgot to bring something in

I sent 3 gifts in 2022

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

life update

i'm 14-weeks pregnant 🎉

due date: 30th may

bit more info below the cut

i thought about making a lulzy WIP wednesday post (aka, "here is what i'm working on") along these lines a few times, but i didn't want to tag anyone into personal stuff they didn't necessarily want, and also i thought i miscarried almost immediately and that started me down a spiral of anxiety, so now it's not so funny. but anyway - i thought today would be a good day to tell people, since we're out the first trimester.

how:

IVF - worked first time

my partner's egg

donor sperm - man it's weird buying sperm, particularly from america, although i only browsed. i bought from the UK. i do know men i could have asked, but in the end i thought... i dont know anyone well enough i'd want to have a child with them. at all.

happy to answer questions about any of the above, if you're interested. thinking of writing a blog about it in my work persona.

how am i?

fine apart from the anxiety!

my main symptoms have been exhaustion, leading to very little writing, and some nausea but pretty weaksauce compared to some

i've told most people at work, which is a very supportive environment, so all good.

my partner's therapist said (to her) not to make big life decisions so soon after the death of my mum/her dad on the same day about a year ago, but we are both in our mid thirties and at our most financially viable, so - hopefully it's fine.

how is baby?

probably ok! we've seen them on several scans, definitely have two arms, two legs, brain, etc

still haven't managed to do the test that tells you the likiehood of Downs etc, though, as the baby has refused to move into a position where they could get a good measurement. we may know towards the end of december - so that is making me More Anxious, but it's still fine

why am i putting this on the internet?

a few reasons.

firstly - i would've told livejournal. the same thing happened when my mum died - i wanted to tell the online community i'm part of, the same way i've told friends and people from work.

but also - because i've been saying i've been tired and that i'm not writing on here, and i wanted everyone to know... this is why. i'm not sick! i'm just pregnant.

AND ... i don't know what the next six months, and then the next.......... twenty years will be like. i'm hoping to write a few more Carry On things before the baby arrives, assuming the second trimester is less tiring (which seems likely so far), but who knows? and probably less after that. BUT WHO KNOWS.

my partner is also a fandom person. i have nine(ish) months of maternity leave (thanks, britain!) and she'll be around for most of that too, thanks to working from home. so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe i'll be writing a bunch of extremely realistic babyfics or something. probably not, but you never know.

anyway!

that's the news.

it may all still go wrong, obviously. we haven't done all the tests, still six months to go.

i'll update with these same tags, if we lose the baby for whatever reason, and i'll update if we don't!

98 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

#4

Some 'Carry On' Recommendations for your Tuesday

here's some things i've been reading recently that i think other people should read too! thanks for tagging me @messofthejess!

N.B. this list is super long and also only scratching the surface... i should rec more often, anyway - if you see this, please read some of the things as you will really like them, and give the authors some love!

Teen or under

The Plum Tree by @otherpeoplesheartachept-2, under 1k

baz and malcolm talk (without exactly talking) about how baz is a vampire. great characterisation, really nice contained and different piece.

Eight Times Simon Couldn’t Stop Himself by knightinbrightfeathers, RainyForecast, steadfastasthouart (steadfastest) - 12k

just realised this has three authors! really brilliant fic, fangirl-era - but super worth reading, as long as you're ok with simon being smart, and also knowing he's into boys before he kisses baz. (why wouldn't you be?). this is all about simon and baz pranking each other/being generally awful, until they aren't - you see their relationship changing and simon gradually realising what he feels about baz, then there's a telepathy scene! this was recced recently in the discord* so probably lots of people have now read it, but it's seriously good!

Golden Boy by @spockzilla, 9k

magickal mishap, simon turns everything to gold by mistake! this author (also responsible for the fic where simon turns into a frog) is really good at making the silliest things sexy, and sexy things silly - which is a good thing.

end to begin by @tea-brigade, 4k

canon AU, simon and baz are exes, but simon needs baz's help..... really lovely, unusual, interesting and moving fic! i really like how it uses this inciting incident to let baz be kind (that's for me, the most important thing about them being together) and encourage the two of them to have the conversation they should have had a long time ago. works so well.

Trapped by @you-remind-me-of-the-babe based on art by taken_aback_by_Tuesdays,

penny/shepard get together, no snowbaz involved! this fic is criminally unread, because ... it's not snowbaz, but it is BRILLIANT. amazing penny and shepard characterisation, and it's so fun to see them get together a different way... that also involves her saving him.

Explicit

This Will All Go Down In Flames by @facewithoutheart with art by @tea-brigade, 11/17 chapters, 40k, WIP (no sex yet, RIP)

obsessed with this fic right now! band AU where simon and baz briefly bacame friends at school, then became incredibly successful musicians before the band broke up... because simon and baz couldn't communicate about how they fancied each other. it's great! fun, funny, social media stuff, a malcolm trying to be down with the kids, texas references, shepard being a reporter - highly recommend.

Crosse My Heart by @creepyspice with art by @cutestkilla, 5k, brobelove not snowbaz

omg, this fic is so good. seriously - even if you dont think you're into brobelove, you should read this, as i dont believe you could like snowbaz if you don't like the competitive snarky action this fic has in spades, but also if you like brobelove, my god you should read this! such amazing characterisation and super sexy.

Here in the Dark by @artsyunderstudy, 5k

love this middle of the night sex - i'm repeating my comment here, but the whole mood is perfect: confused and dreamlike, you're locked out of baz's POV, entirely in simon's and it works so well for the mood. plus, it's sexy AND there's amazing art to go with it.

Two Heads Are Better Than One by @skeedelvee, 22k

omg, i am obsessed with this fic. it's so deeply strange (simon and baz share the same body, due to - magickal mishap!) AND SO AMAZING AND SEXY. and also romantic and fun. proper enemies to to friends to lovers action, a fantastic scene where simon and baz watch baz's vanilla porn, a bit where they defeat a unicorn together, sex as one person, sex as two people - it's got it all.

*if you're not in this discord, but you'd like to be, this is the link to get in: https://discord.gg/FJ8meVhr

that's enough - i've got more i should rec, but i'll do another post later.

101 notes - Posted August 16, 2022

#3

Thought it was time to bring this back. 

Discord is a chat room. This is a chat room about Carry On, etc.

Not the only one, but one of the biggest (there are 200+ members). The Discord has:

a strong, active moderator team, who make sure this is a safe space (not me, I’m just a helper)

adult-only areas, and a policy that NSFW stuff is not shared outside of these spaces

places to talk about and share fic, art, meta, fan theories, memes, etc

virtual outings, like fic readings

custom emojis

It’s very nice.

This link will get you in: https://discord.gg/8yZvQK7k 

(it expires in 7 days, so 6th May 2022, but feel free to message me if you see this post and the link’s expired)

You will have to introduce yourself before you’re given access to the server proper, although you don’t have to talk after that, if you don’t want to. You can just quietly vibe. Alternately, you can talk a lot and that’s fine too!

You will also have to sign up to the code of conduct.

If you have trouble getting in/speaking once you’re in, it could be because you haven’t verified your Discord account. There’s a clear prompt on desktop, but not on mobile.

I can confirm I checked with the mod team before making this post. It’s kosher.

Please share this post, if you want to.

108 notes - Posted April 30, 2022

#2

AU - Canon Divergence Recs

i couldn't think of a good title for this, but basically there have been a few fics recently where i thought: not only is this a great fic, but also this is something i think we could see more in other fics.

basically, they all do a thing that is a good tool to make new fics with. and they're all good fun. here we go:

Eighth Year AU but with Mage-mission

Shiver (rated E) by @facewithoutheart and, yeah, ok me - but not really

for me, an eighth year fic should be about baz being gone/the coffin, magic sharing (with simon and baz much more likely, therefore to be interested in each other quicker), or the plot events of carry on - this one does that. BUT ALSO the plot is driven by simon going on a quest for the mage, which is a classic seventh year trope. cool! (and not my idea)

Post Watford Get Together with Magickal Mishap

Come As You Are (rated E) by @facewithoutheart who sponsored this video

how genius is this? they've left watford, so they've both moved on but magickal mishap happens to simon and that's the plot instigator. simple, but genius.

Genuine new past for Simon and Baz, makes them the same but different

I Know What You Are (rated T) by @martsonmars

ok, other fics have done this too, but i really like this fic and i think the way it does this thing is perfect. simon's grown up with the mage and lucy as his parents; baz has been raised by natasha and malcolm. as a result, when we meet them in eighth year they have completely different histories. it's not only the way they interact with each other that's different, they're both much more confident, have different friends. they really are different people, but the same.

Carry On universe but no Watford

Pretty in Pink (rated T) by @arca9

i was re-reading this one (fake dating heist, love it!) the other day and thinking - this is pretty unique! baz and simon work for the coven, but only just met each other when they became partners, there's no watford. but they use the magic system - it's just a really fun view on what's necessary for your AU to work.

112 notes - Posted June 28, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Top 10 SnowBaz fics

I was talking earlier about how 'What's Left' is one of my top 10, which it is. obviously that made me think.... what are the rest?

i think it's probably instinctively these, these ones that influence me the most/that i've re-read the most/that i most wish i could have written, although i had to delete some real favs to get down to 10, and limited myself to one fic per author. and excluded 'your bloodied mouth' as it ain't finished, but kept 'northern downpour' as i believe it will be.

almost all canon divergence, most have plot and sex.

5 Times They Half-Arsed It by @krisrix

Bound and Determined by @fatalfangirl

Golden Years by @basic-banshee

keep on keeping on by waveydnp

In A Bind by @im-gettingby

Northern Downpour by @scone-lover

Remember the Magic by @sharkmartini

There'll Be Peace When You Are Done by somekindofpath

What's Left by @cutestkilla

When the Bells Ring by @phoxphyre

360 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[purplesurveys]

1779

What was the last upsetting thing that happened to you? I got sick, again...that's two very high fevers in the short and sweet span of 1.5 months and I can almost certainly tell you it's because of work. Bright side is it's putting everything in a much clearer perspective and it'll probably be the first thing I'll raise to Trina the next time she has a check-in with me.

What was the last thing you ordered from Starbucks? I think it was their iced brown sugar blahblah espresso (why does it have to be such a mouthful?) and my favorite off their menu, the chicken barbecue sandwich.

Do you trust your doctor? I just have natural trust for all doctors in general because they're supposed to be experts at their field. It's just a matter of whether they're an asshole/condescending or not.

Do you ever question if your mother loves you? Sometimes. Last week she and dad got into an argument but made sure the rest of the household was put through hell in the most childish way you can imagine a 50 year old throwing a fit. I will never understand that about her.

Do you ever feel scared or unsafe around your dad? Not at all.

Do you have a pastor you can trust and talk to whenever you need to? Nope.

Do you have a best friend who always has your back? Yes. Just last Wednesday I had a bit of a scare because my car wouldn't start while I was stranded in the middle of BGC, and the first two people I called were Angela and Hans because I knew they'd have my back in an instant and would know how to help me. :(

What is missing in your life? Career fulfillment. I'm making good money but ugh am I miserable and getting more and more physically unwell. Two fevers in less than two months is ridiculous and I know damn well this has little to do with the flu bug that's been going around.

What color shirt are you wearing? It's white with some pink accents.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? The delivery rider assigned to me for a work-related booking.

Who is your least favorite doctor you’ve been to? I'm not even sure if they were a doctor but it was that psychologist(?) or therapist(?) or whatever the hell she was who was doing a mental health check on me as part of my college admissions. She was just very rude and seemed very judgmental from the get-go, so I said nothing about my depression because I knew she was 100% going to make it worse and more embarrassing.

Who is your least favorite nurse? I don't think I've had encounters with bad nurses.

What is your favorite type of Lunchables? Idk what those are. I mean I have a vague idea of them, but I didn't grow up with them.

What gives you migraines? My job, and every itty bitty thing about my job.

What is the worst medication side effect you’ve ever had? Not a medication, but I've always gotten horrible fevers from all my Covid vaccines and boosters.

When was the last time you remember your life being good? My horrible day-to-day at my job notwithstanding, my life is pretty fuckin sweet right now given that CM Punk has returned to WWE. Anyone here know me since 2013/14? HAHAHAHA THAT ROBYN IS BACK AND HOPEFULLY SHE'S HERE TO STAY FOR A WHILE

What makes you forgetful? Stress or trauma, I would say.

Do you block stupid, ignorant people on Facebook? I'll sometimes block actual profiles, but most of the time if I see something I don't like I either just pettily report the thing or have the post hidden from my feed.

What is your favorite magazine to read? I have not read one in yearsss, and the only exception is if a magazine covers BTS or one of the BTS members and does a profile feature on them. Sometimes the stories come out great and sometimes they are ass.

What is your favorite thing to order at Taco Bell? I just get the first burrito I see on the menu. I've never been familiar with their items. I'm not a Taco Bell regular because there's only like 3 of them here and all of them are too far and I'd never go out of the way just for some foreign fast food hahaha.

What was the first color you dyed your hair? Ash brown. I wanted to go all-in off the bat and tried to ask for green, but the salon was super protective of my soon-to-be-bleached virgin hair hahaha and insisted I go a mild shade first, so ash brown it was. I never did get around to dyeing my hair green.

Do you trust your parents completely? No.

Do you have someone you feel completely safe around? Sure.

What church do you go to? My family attends Sunday mass at our local parish.

Have you made a lot of mistakes? Is there anyone who would actually say no to this?

Do you take risks often? Eh, not really. I don't have a lot of safety nets in the first place, so it's smarter for me to play it safe for the most part.

Who was the last person you called on the phone? The aforementioned delivery rider.

What color is your favorite whiteboard marker? I don't use markers much.

[flamink-o]

Admist the millions of projects I have started and some finished! I have decided to try to (again) to do a non-committal blog. With no purpose other than to share my experience for anyone curious or stumbling upon it.

I've shared with some people who follow me on Instagram that I have been diagnosed with ADHD, primarily inattentive. At age 27, after seeking three opinions because of two individuals who saw me frequently in my personal life said that I should seek the diagnosis to get medicated. Once with Cerebral, bc I didn't want to spend $3000 + for a full evaluation. The second time was through my works employee assistance program with a social worker therapist and the third time was with a doctor who actually had who worked with patients who struggled with addiction and also has a background of how trauma can affect the brain. I felt fairly confident with my therapist, but was open to being challenged by a doctor because I truly don't want my medical providers to think I'm seeking drugs for any other reason than to ensure a better quality of life. After me blabbing at him for more than an hour and I think thoroughly frustrating him with how I answered, he prescribed me Strattera and sent me on my way. I had opted for non stimulant to start with because I thought it would have made me jittery and really anxious the way caffeine does for me.

Strattera absolutely helped me focus. I was in complete shock that I wasn't thinking of a million different things at once. The first time I took it, I took it without food, I ended up lightheaded to the point where I felt I couldn't stand up confidently. From then on, I ate food beforehand, but I realized I had to eat a certain amount to avoid feeling nauseous. This was an ordeal bc I didn't eat breakfast really until an hour into my workday, so I had to shift my dinnertime to ensure I woke up hungry enough to eat something. But I needed to be hungry enough to eat an actual meal, like I dogleg just eat a slice of toast, it'd have to be today and an egg at the very least. The more food, the less likely I'd have be lightheaded, but then I could possibly be too full and not feel too hot from that. So, after a couple of months of this and my first migraine, I reluctantly made another appointment with my doctor (reluctantly because the cost is ridiculous). I told him that I'm open to stimulants this time around.

He put me on Concerta which was soooooo expensive. I started taking it last week, and I've noticed a significant increase in focus and mood as well. The frequency of feeling like an impostor at work has decreased significantly, which is probably why my mood went up. Perhaps the most significant change I've seen was when I didn't take it this past Sunday and went out. The amount of thoughts that flooded in by being out in public made me feel very excited or made me realize how easily excitable I can be. The amount of thoughts I was having could have been overwhelming, but instead I think I took joy in the chaos of my mind and appreciated the way my medication was working on a daily basis.

Hopefully the medication would cost less next month. Or if not, I hope I'll find a better alternative 😵

[a-quiet-daily-diary]

Monday, 30th of January, 1:26am

It's been a very long time since I've used this website and I'm using it on mobile no less so it's safe to say I have no idea how the formatting is going to turn out.

But formatting means nothing when all I want to do is just write my thoughts down. Being the first entry, this will probably be a long one - or as long as it will let me make it.

Today I found myself thinking that I might enjoy just dropping everything and everyone in my life and going off to start a fresh new hermit life without any social obligations. But I could never do that because my friends and family would worry and be debostated and I really don't want to make them upset. But at the same time I just really don't have it in me to be so close with people and feel obliged to have interactions with them all the time. I already keep to myself a lot and my friends are incredibly patient with me but sometimes I do wonder if they'll give up on me one day. Part of me says "one less thing to worry about" but it would also mean I lose a social connection that I might need in my life. I'd also have to explain to my family that I'm no longer friends with that person simply because I'm a bad antisocial person. But also the guilt of being such a bad friend to the point I caused them to leave even after all they've stuck through. I suppose I just have to suck it up and deal with the social obligations no matter how mentally exhausting it can be.

During the holiday period I had many social engagements I had to attend and a lot of them had people I didn't know also attending. And a few even in loud public spaces. Safe to say I was very thoroughly mentally dead. The only bright side I could find was that I didn't want to game over in that time - but I did feel I was close to falling to that rock bottom again. It was during that time I started to seriously consider seeing a therapist/psychologist/whatever they want to be called. My mum's been saying I should see one to help work through my anxiety about going out in public and stuff. There is a psych just a couple blocks from my home, literally next to the supermarket I do my grocery shopping at. So the location is perfect and they even have therapy cats. But they don't have any kind of form fill outs on their website, I have to ring up over the phone and I can't bring myself to do it. Another reason I'm hesitant is because I don't really want to pay a person to ask me the questions I literally despise being asked. Call it childhood trauma or whatever but NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER NEVER EVER asks me "are you ok? What's wrong? Why are you upset" when I'm displaying that I'm upset. It's because of that that I do all I can to not appear upset and now have this issue where I dread the thought of even hinting at feeling negative emotions. I don't get why people feel the need to intrude like that anyway. If I'm clearly upset I'll be hiding away and avoiding people and communication FOR A REASON it's because I don't want to fucking talk to you and I need fucking space to calm down and collect my thoughts.

Sorry, even just thinking about it makes be furious.

I could probably go on about the negatives and stressers all night but I think focusing on the positives is a good thing to do in a while.

This year I decided I'd make sure I have atleast one finished art piece per month as a way to help me do more art and get more consistent and to help get me out of my damned perfectionist outlook of "if it's not going to be perfect I'm not going to finish it". First artpoece is indeed finished and I've already started a second. I'm still struggling to really find my art style but hopefully by the end of the year I'll be atleast twelve steps closer.

I'm also hoping that writing every day will help motivate me to get back to writing short fanfics. I know my writings not great and they're only short things but they're a fun quick creative activity to keep my brain going.

I think that's about it for now. It's late and my brain is definitely running out of steam. I wrote down the time of when I started writing but that's definitely not going to be accurate to the post time. Do I want to bother decorating this blog? I remember I used to have so much fun customising a blog with the html code. But this isn't really a blog it's just a diary dump so I'll probably leave it blank.

Goodnight. Sleep tight. Wake up when you feel it's right. 💖

[dzpenumbra]

1/13/23

Today, I had momentum. In a manner of speaking. I really should've used the momentum to go out to an actual store myself, but... I've just been freaked out lately. I don't know. An aversion to the public again. It's like... reflexive.

Instead of fighting it, I did Instacart again. I got these Command strips that are like... adhesives strips for hanging shit in your house. I really need to get my whiteboard back in commission. My therapist and I talked about that yesterday. The most structured and consistent I've been is when I had a reliable whiteboard system, a check-in system when the whiteboard is located in a very visible, highly trafficked area in my house. And I have the perfect spot. So I got these strips, some stuff for the bathroom, a birdfeeder and a succulent plant. Yep, I got my first plant for the apartment. And it only took me a month and a half. But hey, it's done!

So, I get the stuff delivered and I pick it all up. I feel like doing this Instacart stuff is like... practicing for not having a car. Because... I have a feeling that's the way this car repair situation is going. So... I'm kinda just preemptively adapting, I guess. I'm sure there are other reasons but... I'm not getting into that right now. I wanna recap this clusterfuck.

So I get the strips out, I got a TON of them just... in case. I figured I'll use them for hanging all kinds of shit. The first thing I see on the package is "do not apply to paper or fabric", and... like... ALL of my art is paper or fabric. I really should've seen that coming, and beat myself up plenty for it, but like... ugh. Really felt like I pissed a bunch of cash away on that. AND that ruled out my small whiteboard, which has a cardboard back on it. -_- So I went "okay, at least I can still do the big whiteboard", but it has a metal frame around the whole thing... and that frame is big enough that the strips won't work. At this point I'm getting frustrated, that was the point of the entire order... So I look over and see my wood coat hook thing, it's like a big piece of finished wood with a bunch of coat hooks on it. I go "at least I can do that, that's something. I slap the strips on it and go to line it up on the wall... and the thing is warped to hell. Like twisted warped. So the strips won't lie flat on the wall. That one upset me a bit. So... I unscrewed the hooks, got some wet hand towels, an extra piece of wood and some clamps and that fucker is gonna be sitting in the windowsill for the next few days. Hopefully that straightens it out, if not, I'll just make a nice carving out of it. Someday...

So that really got under my skin. Like... the bulk of the shit I was going to do today was just... problem after problem. My mom called. We were on the same page for a bit. Then I just went "I swear, if I just had thumbtacks this wouldn't be a damn problem, I've been using exclusively them to hang stuff since college." And... she corrected me that I meant "push pins". And I felt real goddamn dumb... because this whole time I thought they were called thumbtacks, and I've been searching for thumbtacks and not finding them anywhere. Welp, turns out people do have pushpins... But... I was trying to just roll with it and went with these strips, I was like... if no one has these pins, and that means I won't be putting holes in the wall... then fuck it, right? And I just felt really dumb. And then I started kicking myself that I didn't add them to the order this morning. And she suggested I order some. And I started getting really upset that I would have to place a delivery order for a $2.50 pack of pushpins. Like, the delivery cost would be higher than the cost of the item. And then I went to "wow, I can't just like drive 5 blocks up the street for this?" And my brain went "wow, you're really gonna risk getting sick for a pack of pushpins". And this happened like... lightning speed. Like within probably... 2 seconds tops? I went from being frustrated that I didn't add these to my order earlier in the day to being afraid I was going to asphyxiate alone in my apartment.

I was mid-conversation when this happened. It must've been disorienting to my mom, I just got really distant and frustrated and shit. I just started shutting down. And she went the wrong route, she started trying to reassure me that the problems that I was seeing weren't as big as I thought. She went the "Covid isn't really a thing anymore" route. And I, with surprising grace considering the circumstances, let her know very clearly - 1) I'm experiencing very strong emotions right now, don't listen to the tone of my voice, please listen to the words that I'm saying, 2) Please don't make this political. 3) The problem I'm working through is emotional, not practical. Don't try to make this go away, or make my feelings go away, help me find a way around or through it. If there isn't a way around it, we can come back to that.

It was surprisingly successful. We didn't fight. That happens every damn time. Every time I get stressed, I wear it on my sleeve. And the person on the other side starts floundering, or takes personal offense to it, sees me as aggressive or combative or something. It happened with my last ex constantly. It happened in the retreat I went to too, some other resident thought I was pissed off at them personally because I was detoxing off of meds and dealing with my family shit. I just... didn't hide my stress, I wore it on my sleeve. Because my feelings are big and if I stuff them inside, I end up with chronic health problems. I mean that literally. I did irreparable damage to my body because of repressing stress, I was constantly sick to the point of being nearly couch-bound for stretches of time because of it. It took me a lot of experience and therapy to accept that I just... have way more emotions than a lot of people that I know, that I'm sensitive. And that that is okay, it's good. It's just part of who I am. It makes me equally as weak as it makes me strong. It just really fucking sucks that I have to like... explain myself all the time.

In hindsight, my dog was the perfect companion for me in that... she was basically a mirror of me. In a lot of ways. Highly emotional, and feared. And I defended the fuck out of her for it, never as much as I wanted to or felt I should, but much more than I defend myself for the same exact shit. See, she was incredibly social, super friendly all the fucking time, but she... was a sable German Shepherd. And... people... make assumptions. They jump to conclusions. I say this because I can't count the number of times I had to say "don't worry, she's friendly" or "is it okay if she says hi?" or "don't worry, she doesn't bite". Shit like that. Like I'm walking around with a goddamn crocodile on a leash, come on people. Like, instead of people expressing their own fears and prejudices and communicating them clearly and honestly, it gets to the point where the accommodating people who are constantly being persecuted... just walk around introducing themselves already explaining shit preemptively. "Hi, my name is ____, I'm a sensitive person. You might see my mood change rapidly, this might be reflected in my posture, tone of voice, facial expression, etc. You know, like a fuckin dog or a cat. But guess what? Unlike a dog or a cat, you can just be a civil fucking person and go 'hey, you look upset, you wanna talk about it?' or, you know, excuse yourself out and fuck off or whatever." I don't know man, people are fucking weird, and it's just so fucking tiring and demoralizing to have to go around constantly apologizing for other peoples' fears. It really does a number on your self-esteem.

Anywho, that drama was averted. We had a great conversation and covered a lot of stuff. I made dinner - potato skins, chicken and rice. I got the xbox hooked up, which is nice. I started recording a new Rimworld playthrough, no clue if it's gonna fit the bill. I feel like I've been getting really picky lately. We'll see what happens. I was planning on doing my master list of things I need done, and my whiteboard, but I got so sidetracked by the strips and tacks that I just... didn't get those done. But I got a lot of planning done, I got my first plant and I got a birdfeeder. So I'd call that a good day. Oh, and I saw a Pileated Woodpecker out the window. I used to see them in the woods all the time, and I heard it calling outside and immediately recognized the sound. So I got a birdfeeder, cuz fuck it. And I'll try to get it set up tomorrow.

The only other shit I have to talk about was like... Twitch drama... which is like... duh? I guess? Like... one streamer saying "my kid is getting screened for autism next week" and "wouldn't that be my punishment for calling my audience the 'r-word'". And I get it, it's blunt around the edges and poking fun at something that's clearly making him uncomfortable and scaring him. I guess it's just how we process fear sometimes? I think that's a huge component to humor, especially dark humor, they're just ways of having conversations about difficult topics that otherwise we wouldn't be able to really comfortably address. Humor lets us speak more openly about it. But it really does matter what your intentions are. And I'm not sure if his intention is to... learn how to be okay, to accept potentially being the parent of a neurodivergent child. He doesn't seem to really see any good in it, he seems only fixated on how difficult it would be, how parenting a neurodivergent child is harder. And that rubbed me the wrong way, to the point where I just left. I was kinda just... discouraged. Like... that's your kid, dude. Getting a diagnosis doesn't make your kid a different kid, it just gives you a language to understand your kid better. Which should really be every parent's goal, I would think. Right? Just sayin. A positive diagnosis just opens the door to a bunch of researched techniques to make your life easier, nothing else changes (other than the stigma of others). A negative diagnosis means nothing changes. So yeah. I dunno, really bummed me out and left a bad taste in my mouth.

The other one was going over to another streamer and seeing him, once again, just blatantly being a schoolyard bully. But in roleplay, in character, so it's not him bullying, it's his character bullying another character. And it was just like... man. It was hard to watch. Like I've watched a lot of this streamer in the past, and it never really felt this blatant and unfiltered. Like, I know he likes to antagonize and poke and get reactions and shit... but like... this was just like cartoonish. It's a damn shame, he is a pretty funny guy. But I've been noticing nearly all of his humor is at the expense of others, in very personal ways. Like a comedian that only does crowdwork. And the crowdwork is like "hey look at this fat fucking guy in the front row, hey fatty, how many pizzas have you eaten today? Am I right?! Haha what a fat fuck." Like... okay. I mean if your target audience is 14 year old football players, I guess that's funny? So yeah, it was a lot more creative before... I thought. He did this big arc where he had a cop that was very feared and very aggressive (obviously, barely even have to act for that one) but was a closeted gay man and crossdressed and all that. And I liked the way that angle was played in the past, it made some really funny moments and even emotional moments too. But that era passed at least a year ago, longer now. And now... it's just... really bad freestyle rap. And having an out-of-character temper tantrum for actually doing jailtime for multiple crimes he admitted to on the ride to the station, because "admitting to crimes is his character's thing." Like... okay. It feels like a lot of it is just letting the most valuable part of all of it - the creativity - take a backseat while viewership, sponsorships and "winning the interaction" take the front seat. Like the most creative thing I saw him do in one hour of watching this stream was punch a cop through the prison bars 7 times, and say "I'm not so much of a Hootie fan, I'm more of a Darius Rucker fan". Which is either a joke that went way over my head, or a complete swing and a miss at trying to get 90's pop music hipster cred or something. I feel like I'm losing braincells just talking about this. I've been raising my standards for entertainment lately, and I think I should continue that trend. I don't really need to waste my time or energy getting stressed out about people I would never give the time to in person. And I sure as fuck am not watching their ads.

Okay... gotta reset the vibes before bed. Oh shit, it got late again, 3:45. Crap. Um... I don't know, I got really excited about plants today, and I had this idea. Apparently it's pretty easy to propagate succulent plants, you can just grow new ones from their leaves apparently? Like clone them. And I had this crazy vision of like... experimenting with that and getting good at it and then just like... leaving some outside my door in case people wanted them? Maybe encourage people to slide donations under the door if they want? Or just straight up sell them. Because apparently they're easy as fuck to take care of, and hell, maybe other people would want one? And I'd love the project, I think it would be really fun. And I could design my own containers and stuff! That would be cool. Idk, it was a thought. There was a place that would mail you like 50 cuttings for like $8. If I got half of those to grow and sold them for like... $3 each? That's not bad. Just sayin.

I'll keep it in mind. But for now, I'm heading to sleep. Bye.