#how am i supposed to live when everything costs fucking money

[clickbaitcas]

SICK OF IT

[carrotpiss]

This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading

[nomaishuttle]

I'm gonna be so open and honest with you guys right now i fucking rly dont want to go to work tomorrow .

[argumate]

(in response to a response to this post in which I joked about political parties constantly splitting; hopefully this offers some insight rather than inciting)

I am not familiar with the Party for Socialism and Liberation beyond what I read on their Wikipedia page, so I'm happy to hear they engage in worthy causes, but that alone is insufficient to exclude them from what I maintain is a much deserved roasting, along with their fellow travellers in Australia with whom I have more direct experience.

over here, the local communists can be found in front of the state library every Sunday afternoon, offering hot food, warm clothes, and revolutionary inspiration to the homeless population of Melbourne (or anyone else who happens to be passing by and wants to have an argument with them, because as with me that's how they like to make friends with people I think).

and this is a truly wonderful thing that they choose to do! feeding the hungry, clothing the cold, engaging in heated debate with the otherwise ignored, it's beautiful and it makes this corner of the world a little brighter than it would otherwise be.

I don't volunteer any of my time to that particular effort; I could say that I don't have the time to spare or that my skills don't run in that direction but really it's just that everything you do is contingent on who you know and how you know them, we are all firmly embedded in the web of social connections that define our lives and my path took me in other directions; had a few things twisted differently in university then who knows.

I do donate a little money towards housing the homeless as I believe it's a crime that this city compels anyone to sleep rough outdoors; this is a deliberate policy choice that we did not need to make and do not need to continue, it is a problem that we created and could solve at any time, and since I'm quite vocal about this I'm obliged to put up or shut up etc. and hopefully my contribution will offer some shelter to those who would otherwise be denied it.

but while some volunteering here and some donations there is certainly better than nothing, it's not enough, it's nowhere near enough! the gap between what is done and what needs to be done is staggering! it galls me, and I joke about it because things can be very funny even when they make me mad, the serious is often funny and the funny is always very serious.

when right-wing political parties fracture and begin to eat each other alive it's funny because the people involved are usually assholes, their vain attempts to spin the narrative in their favour are hilarious, and pratfalls and petty drama are just a reliable source of humour, and all of these reasons apply just as well to the scenario of left-wing political parties gratuitously shooting themselves in the dick.

however a right-wing party getting fractious is entirely on brand: at least ideologically they're supposed to believe in the virtues of individual self interest and robust competition and a war of all against all and to the winner go the spoils, so why not stab each other in the back for personal glory at the cost of the greater good?

but a left-wing party is notionally founded on the dream of overcoming what ails humanity by way of collective action, the principle that cooperation can achieve what competition cannot, that class interests supersede all other antagonisms, and in that case what the fuck does it mean when that party cannot even cooperate with itself? what is left for us to offer but derision for such monumental failure, not even to fail in a valiant but doomed fight against a powerful adversary but to be torn apart by internal contradictions (!) and the inability to unite as one despite the professed importance of the mission?

Australia never banned the Communist Party, and as a liberal democracy we can be proud of that, but of course we never needed to: it faded into meaningless irrelevancy of its own accord (a tradition continued to this day by the Greens, who if they ever catch a whiff of electoral success and the chance of actually doing something useful will promptly collapse into acrimonious debates about ending capitalism and disappear up their own arse until everybody else loses interest).

so is it funny that organisations predicated on working together for the common good keep splitting? yes of course it's funny, it's fucking hilarious! and tragic, if you believe in the goal, and think that it ever had a chance of being achieved in this way by these people.

in the meantime the rites continue to be dutifully performed but the modern infrastructure of Marxist organisation resembles little more than a pyramid scheme or an evangelical church that exists solely for the purpose of sucking in enough idealistic students to perpetuate the ideology to the next generation, while ensuring that they stay carefully isolated from any ideas that might seriously challenge the status quo (or honestly even ideas that might help to understand the status quo, a prerequisite to doing anything about it); this is also a funny situation but it's getting a little bitter, and I don't enjoy seeing so much potential go to waste.

I've said more on this topic, scattered across the past few years of posts, but I think that probably conveys the gist of it, although of course as always I'm happy to keep talking.

[chipped-chimera]

I am ... Idk man. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm angry. So the Green Neon Tetras I got absolutely came down with ich and there was so much fucking conflicting information out there ... well it delayed me treating it. Heck I was trying to just be sure I was seeing what I was seeing at first.

Anyway I've lost 3. I think it might be 4 this morning. By tomorrow I suspect it'll be two more. If any manage to scrape through it'll be down to 4. If I'm lucky.

Everyone else (Corycats, Starlight Bristlenose) are fine. Though the Corycats show some signs of being itchy, nothing's become visible and they were on the tank the day I started treatment. Yeah I know, quarantine tank yadda yadda. But considering a 100ml bottle of medication costs 40 bucks and I need to use it for 14 days minimum at 4.5 mL a day - no way was I doing two tanks. It's likely I'm going to run out soon and money is tight since this decided to happen right around me replacing my HDD.

I cried when the first one died. Now I just feel ... numb. My mood has been awful, which isn't looking great for my very expensive rTMS treatment - I'm literally at halfway today. I should have seen results. Instead I'm bouncing between hating myself and angry at everything else because information is so diluted and despite researching this tank for over three months straight, trying so goddamn hard not to fuck up - I fucked up. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but a part of me deep down does. Because maybe I was too stupid to realise on such tiny fish the situation was only going to get worse faster. Then I'm angry I feel stupid because the information isn't clear, or that I feel stupid for crying over a fish because that's what normal people think. I hate how everything is really affordable but then medicines are so prohibitive it'd be more cost effective to let them all fucking die. I hate how people regard fish as objects, decorations for their goddamn bathroom or some kind of 'investment' for rarer varieties, swimming in sterile tanks like their a goddamn floating gold bar - not a life. A living, breathing, thinking little life. That I let down. So yeah I'll fucking cry because no one else will.

This tank was supposed to be a source of relief while I went through this intense treatment but now it's just a trigger for me ruminating over and over. I worry with the tetra population so depleted it's going to cause them more stress making them more likely to die. I'm scared to do water changes, though I need to keep doing them.

I'm angry this parasite is so common it's considered to be encountered by anyone new to the hobby within 6 months, because it takes no prisoners - any kind of fish can get it. I'm angry research only revealed the possibility of a vaccine a few years ago, despite fish being the most owned pet globally. I'm angry the reputable, best aquarium shop in my entire city had tetra carrying this and there's jack shit I can do. I don't know whether to tell them or not even bother. Given the entire shop runs on what I suspect are the same sumps, it's likely everything has the risk.

Maybe I'm just stupid and this is all my fault.

I'll keep trying. I'll buy another 40 dollar bottle and treat them for the 14 days and aone more week just in case. I put too much work into this to give up.

[disabled-cat-in-a-cowboy-hat]

Here's a hot take and a hard take for all the ipad babies on social media;

Being able to even apply for disability, snap, food stamps, or social security is in of itself white and/or mentally-abled privilege.

When you are so mentally disabled from constantly-worsening PTSD (due to poverty/trauma/abuse you cannot escape) that you break down screaming at the top of your lungs and bawling uncontrollably when put under any amount of stress or pressure or have to answer direct questions, you are literally not able to apply for benefits or help.

Full Stop, you need to wake up, grow up, and realize this reality for the neurodivergent.

Even if you are privileged enough to HAVE a caretaker or PoA, government officials and offices REFUSE to speak to anyone EXCEPT FOR YOU-- DELIBERATELY PROHIBITING mentally disabled people from being able to have assistance.

If you are incapable of self-advocating or mentally functioning enough to talk to these people who are constantly antagonizing, verbally abusing, and pushing forceful and willful and deliberate undue burden on you to make you give up, then you are put in the position I am in

You just. Fucking. Die.

Then I get little pretentious white kids who were born into money telling me that it's sooooo easy to get on disability because it was easy for THEM. Because.. they... were born into. Money.

Why do rich kids literally not get this?? Why is this such a difficult concept for you? If you were born even into middle-class wealth, you are extremely privileged. If your parents did not abuse you, you are extremely privileged.

If you are so traumatized you cannot do anything except drown in distractions or else be trapped in a screaming-crying death spiral, how exactly are you supposed to survive living in poverty in the USA? Hmmm? I am fully handicapped. I am fully disabled. Both mentally and physically. I can't sleep, I can barely eat, and I cannot talk to strangers. I can't make it a single day without at least 2-3 suicidal meltdowns.

I am already on the highest amount of psychiatric medication that I am allowed to be on for medical reasons and I am about to lose it entirely due to what was done to me costing me my healthcare. I cannot afford therapy. I cannot go to a doctor, anymore. All of that was taken away from me.

So what do you do as a severely suicidal, disabled, handicapped, mentally ill, completely non-functional trans person who has had their entire life, livelihood, livability, income, healthcare, medications, groceries, hope, dreams, plans, future, pets, house, transportation, mobility assistance devices, gender-affirming care, trans surgeries, testosterone, and entire purpose for living ripped away because of selfish, ignorant white abled people?

The government is not here to protect or save me. What has happened to me us the absolute EPITOME and PROOF that this "justice system" is deliberately and specifically engineered as a weapon of GENOCIDE for people in my categories and they hand selfish, white fascists everything they want when they are bored of people like me without a second thought.

What has happened to me is not an Accident. It was Deliberate. Purposeful.

Everything that has been done to me has been for the explicit act of getting rid of me-- permanently. Because that is what the USA cultivates, grooms, and enables. This is the prerogative of white privileged people in this country; Exterminate people like me.

How the USA and its citizens responded to Covid-19 RUINED MY ENTIRE LIFE and my entire FAMILY is just DYING. We already lost two of our housemates. Dead. FOREVER. My fucking FATHER to cancer we couldn't afford to treat and FATHER FIGURE due to my abrupt and unfair eviction. GONE.

Because of this country and what People decided to do to Me. Now the rest of us are going to die one by one.

Because of the Genocide System of America.

And you're just going to stand there and watch us starve to death or die of cancer or desperate suicide to end the suffering and torment we have been forced into.

There is NO HELP for the TRULY DISABLED.

If you are disabled and have ANY financial aid-- you're privileged as FUCK.

If people do not start Donating To My Family, we will not make it even two more months and that's GENEROUS.

If you think that "money raised" number means we are okay-- WRONG. All that money is GONE. This fundraiser has been going on for months and alot of it went to bills. We are BROKE. We have NOTHING. Wake. UP. Give us REAL HELP. We are DYING. HELLO.

[thegeminisage]

fun totk things: i keep fucking throwing myself off of cliffs forgetting i don't have a glider lol

ok ok i made it im GOIN IN

OH THIS IS THE PLACE FROM THE TRAILER.............

is that a giant tear...girl what...

YOOOOO wtf was THAT

her in her zonai clothes and the hand holding from the trailer AAAAAA

oh i got RECALL!!!! hell yeah

okay link snapping his fingers like that to end recall is kinda hot i cant lie

HYLIA STATUE???????? girl please give me hearts

oh NO opening the doors like getting the master sword...it costs him...aaaaaaaaa

I KNEW IT I KNEW THERE HAD TO BE A 4TH SHRINE...it was so weird he only sent me to three. VALIDATION

this last shrine is a truly terrifying distance above everything else...i gotta go down on a bird and i am Not Ready

accidentally sent the bird down without me. cool. i was so dumbfounded i forgot to take a clip lol

i rode the bird and...died horribly bc i have no battery power. how tf am i supposed to get down :/

i guess i have no choice but to fast travel lol i forgot i could do that now

ok, i got down! there's a little pit stop island lol. hilariously when i skydive my brain still wants to use motion controls...i complained about them in ss but they feel natural sometimes

FINALLY. more hearts

what i find so interesting about some of the evil leaving link's body when he gets an upgrade is that in other zelda games (namely oot/mm) link heals everyone else at the expense of himself...in this game, he's healing himself, bit by bit...

door time. money shot........2!

wait OKAY hold on. "you're everything zelda siad" we saw him ALIVE in the trailers. THERE IS TIME TRAVEL. I CAN FEEL IT. I KNOW IT.

also like. dude is fr dead now. i am living with some dead guy's arm forever. alright!!!!! this game is a little bit fucked up actually

[kierancampire]

I've been abused all my life as a child, i lived in absolutely awful home environments and went through awful things, and i was badly bullied in school and college. Then as an adult i have been homeless twice, lost everything, dealt with significant traumas, sexual assault. Life has been hell

I'm struggling hard by this point, i have no one, i don't talk to almost anyone in my family, i have no real life friends, exceptionally few online ones, and none i can go to for support as they're all struggling themselves. I have no one, i have quite severe mental health issues, I'm struggling

I recently lost a big benefit payment i got, and especially with the cost of living rising, me living alone having no one, and already being homeless twice and having nothing left, I'm scared and stressed. Yet when trying to fight to get this benefit back so i can live, what does my mum tell me? Give up, it's hopeless, i won't get it back. So what, I'm just meant to give up on having enough money to live and be fucked this time?

My Housing Association has had me suffering since December of last year, they keep not responding or not acknowledging any of the awful things they've done. Wanna know what my therapist said when i said that i am fighting to get them to apologise, and to fix all these issues they've caused? Give up, it's hopeless. So what? I'm meant to still suffer in a flat that is full of cracks and holes, has a bad mould problem, no functioning windows, and i feel miserable in.

Then just now, i posted about wanting help to get a rediagnosis as i only officially have anxiety and depression, but everyone, mental health professionals included, think i have some form of autism or personality disorder. And that i tried for years trying to get more support but doctors won't even so much as consider me. Wanna know what someone told me? Give up, it's hopeless. So what? I'm supposed to live in this hell i am trapped in day to day, having no idea what's wrong with me, people being nasty to me for things i have little to no control over, not getting the support i need, and struggling because of this. But nah, just give up?

I have literally no one, I'm alone. Yet when i try to get support, I'm told to give up, it's hopeless. Do you know how fucking difficult it is, as a severely depressed and severely anxious person, who has suffered heavy trauma from years of abuse, bullying, and traumas, who struggles, so fucking severely day to day, who had to fight to not only escape every fucking awful and extremely harmful situation they were trapped in, who has gone through hell since day fucking 1, who has tons of health issues, who has no one, who is exhausted from all the bullshit they're going through, and who has had to fight not only their own demons every single fucking day, but people harming them or trying to drag them down daily. Do you know how fucking difficult it is to be that person, then to be told that the things i have heen fighting for since i was a child, basic care, respect, the ability to live, to be happy, to be understood. To just give up because those things are hopeless? I'm exhausted and have wanted to give up on life for 14 fucking years now, i really fucking don't need to have the only reactions be, when i finally break enough that i need support, to be told that it's all hopeless, that i should give up and continue suffering. If i gave up when this all started either I'd be dead or continuing to gotten beaten by my dad, or trapped in all those other awful situations i was in. Why should i give up on trying to finally have a basically peaceful or happy life for once. Why should i give up on finally being respected and cared for.

I can't fucking handle being told that any more. I need fucking support, not people making me feel my life is worthless and i can do nothing to improve it.

[altheterrible]

Ugh how do you recover from burnout when gas is $5/gallon and corporations are destroying the economy? When you're chronically ill, disabled, and always in pain your doctor won't do anything to fix? When you're chronically fatigued from your disabilities but still forced to spend 40 hours a week working a physically demanding, emotionally unfulfilling, low paying job with no ability to get anything better? When you're fighting with complex trauma you don't have the bandwidth to fix because so many other things are eating it up? How can I recover from burnout when I'm putting everything I have into keeping my head above water in this terrible world?

I'm miserable. I experience no joy in my life. I feel nothing. And it's not because of some magical chemical imbalance in my brain. It's because my life is objectively terrible. I have no money, I'm stressed about bills, I'm stressed about inflation, I'm stressed about rent. I'm in the process of declaring bankruptcy so it'll be 7 years before I can even rent my own apartment, let alone think about home ownership. I have multiple chronic illnesses including one that will almost certainly kill me. I have poorly controlled chronic pain that makes it hard to focus on anything except how much it hurts. I work in retail, where both customers and management treat me like expendable garbage, for which privilege I am paid $14/hr and taxed at 25%--and I have no energy left at the end of the day for anything I might find enjoyable. I never see my sister, I don't have the time or energy to hang out with friends, and most of the people I do interact with on a daily basis make it abundantly clear that my feelings aren't a priority for them.

So at the end of every day, I feel like I can't do it again, can't wake up and face another day like today. The idea of having to keep living every day while I feel so totally hollow and dead inside terrifies me. Looking ahead and seeing another day like this, over and over again forever, makes me want to die. I want to kill myself. I think about ways to do it. The only thing stopping me is funeral costs. I'm saving money so my sister can afford to have me cremated. Only $650 to go. With my wages, I'll have enough in roughly 80 years.

I can't deal with the misery. I've been self harming again, it's the only thing that takes the edge off how bad I feel. I thought I was past this, but really, why should I even bother trying not to cut when it's the only thing that helps? It's not like anything else is helping. And like, it doesn't matter at all that I've started again. To anyone. No one else cares, so why should I? That's the funny thing. Self harm is allegedly this serious mental health emergency, because it's such a dangerous coping mechanism--especially the way I do it, I routinely cut deeply enough to warrant stitches, though I haven't been getting them bc I can't afford to take the time off work to go to the psych ward for a week. Lol.

So yeah, self harm is supposed to be this serious sign that someone is suffering and needs help and people who are hurting themselves are usually offered support so they don't feel so overwhelmed that they resort to self harm.

Except when it's me cutting myself. Then no one gives a shit. Sam and John pretend they don't see it. My friends brush me off. Fuck, I told my therapist I was cutting again and she was like "you say you feel like it doesn't matter that you're cutting yourself, but it matters to me" but then she didn't like, do anything about it. She didn't ask why I was doing it, didn't talk about it further, and didn't provide me any kind of support so I didn't feel like I needed to keep cutting myself. So I'm going to keep doing what's helping. At least then I can get through the day.

Meds aren't the answer. I've tried meds. So many meds, and combinations of meds. Right now I'm on Adderall, Cymbalta, Latuda, and Seroquel. I still want to die. I still feel hollow and dead inside. I'm still dragging myself through every day and counting down the time until I can be asleep again. What's the answer? More antipsychotics? I'm already so exhausted I can barely function. More antidepressants? Tricyclics or MAOIs maybe, it's not like those have horrific side effects lol. Lithium? Anti seizure meds? Benzodiazepines?

The problem is that medication can't fix the fact the world is a garbage fire and I'm being burned alive in it. There is no medication that will fix capitalism. Psych medication won't make the customers at work treat me better, it won't increase my pay, it won't make my doctor listen to me about my pain. Psych medication won't help me find joy in the world because the world is a shit place.

I think the answer to the questions in my first paragraph is pretty clear: you don't recover from burnout under those circumstances. The circumstances have to change.

Something has to give, though, and I think it's going to be me.

[ironiedevivre]

i wish i had someone to actually hear what i say & reply to it. or at the very least, just listen & let me feel heard instead of completely alone.

i feel like i must be out of my mind, but i know it's not me. baby sibling has taken over the laundry room - the ENTIRE floor is covered with her clothes. (& the entire freezer is full of her food, tho she insists none of it is hers. in which case i should be allowed to throw it all out, but she flips out, so what is the truth?) & because of that, i can't bring any food to the shelves in there. so it's piled up in the kitchen, where middle sib & mother complain. but there's no room. the workroom & basement are covered w/ baby sibling's crap - broken hangers, tons of dollar store shit & shopping bags, so much. i tried to clean in there too, & she flips out if i move her stuff. there is literally no way to clean the living room, the kitchen, the laundry room, the basement, with all of her stuff in the way. & when i try anyway, i get stuck & overwhelmed. idk where to put anything. she just keeps buying more. & tonight, i had to clean out the living room closet. tons of heavy blankets & pillows have to be washed. there was no room in the laundry room to put the pile that didn't fit, so i left it by the stairs. there was no room to get to the dryer let alone open it, so i moved baby sibling's clothes out of the way & now she's throwing a fit because i supposedly mixed clean & dirty laundry (it's all on the floor!!! it's covering my laundry, the towels & sheets & things i keep trying to find but always have to rewash because she throws everything on the floor or takes over the dryer so everyone else's clothes get mildew!!!) & left a pile by the stairs (there's literally nowhere else to put it, because her stuff is everywhere. literally. nowhere else.) like wtf am i supposed to do here???

it's so fucking unfair too that i cleaned & organized that room so many times. middle sibling & i did the kitchen so many times too, & baby sibling turned that into a disaster. (& she used to keep using my treadmill as her personal stage. if i had the energy, i can't even use my treadmill at all because of her & her stuff.) i cleaned & organized the living room, & baby sibling leaves piles of shoes & work things & shopping bags there. mother's bedroom is full of baby sibling's clothes, & makeup, & there's barely room to walk & neither the door or the closet can be closed. i tried to clean that too, & baby sibling flipped out. & that's the number one reason why mother gets so angry about "us" being here - baby sibling's mess taking up so much space. all of us trying to clean around it but i'm not able to keep up. i don't know where to put all of her dishes & jars & whatnot, & her stuff is filthy & never gets clean in the dishwasher, so idk where to move it so it's difficult to do the dishes at all... she's just not a good housemate to anyone...

i feel like shit without my car. i'm trapped again. at least mother's agreed to get a rental for a week - i'm dreading it tho, because she wants to cram in shopping sprees & she gets angry if i suggest i want to do anything for myself (or go to a protest, because somehow to her, attending the occasional protest means i should be able to hold a full time job...?)

severe, severe depression. extreme anxiety. everything is terrible & i have little reason for hope.

close friend has offered to send a check to help with car repair. i don't know how to tell her that i refuse to take money from her. she's done too much already & while this particular repair is a huge one for anyone, i just. i'm wracked w/ guilt over needing help w/ the cost already, nevermind the guilt (& gratitude) for all her help in the past. i already feel like i could never repay her. i can't add more to that. (i still haven't sent her christmas presents for the past 2 years >_< how do you send the most recent one w/o sending the previous one, but i accidentally broke the previous one & have to redo it & it never comes out good enough, i'm so worried it won't be good enough. & i now still need to find one more part for the latter so it's coherent & makes sense. i have them, i swear i have them. just so fucking anxious...) back to the point - it sucks that it's something i desperately need but i don't like that she keeps bailing me out. i don't want that for her. i don't want to be that to her. i don't want to be a burden, regardless of how willing she is to help. she offered to let me stay with her once i'm homeless, & as much as i'd like to visit, i could never stay.

gods i feel like shit... it is so hard to want to keep living...

[purrality]

I feel so bitter about being alive lately. like. resentful. towards everyone. I'm not alive for me. I don't really have any reasons to be outside of others. I have moments of joy and pleasure on my own but the opposite outweigh those heavily and have for a very long time now. I don't make enough anymore to do much. living alone costs too much in money and energy and time. I can't clean up after myself. I can't cook, I'm lucky to have nonfrozen food a few times a month. I'm lucky to be touched past a greeting even less frequently. suicidal thoughts have occurred to me at least on a weekly basis, even in the best of periods of my life, for over a decade now. I'm having withdrawal symptoms that make everything feel even worse. I have never in my life, not at any point, felt like I could consistently even tell anyone how much it all hurts as it does. nobody wants to hear how bad it is all the time. nobody could tolerate it. it's too much to know. I've been told I'm not too much over and over by loved ones, and I believe that they believe it, but I'm always punished with pulling away or abandonment if I try to be all of me for them. even just taking the lid off of the jar in front of people seems to be unbearable. what am I supposed to do? and how am I not supposed to be bitter when these are the people I'm enduring so much for?

I don't really want to die. I know that. I'm not stupid and I've fought with these kinds of thoughts more than long enough to understand why they're happening. I just genuinely don't see a way for things to improve for me. I won't find a better job. I won't find people who could do anything else for me. I won't have the means to chase passions(ones that I'm too depressed to gain any pleasure from anyways) that I can't already do now. this is it. it got better and I have everything I wanted the first time I wanted to die so bad. I feel hopeless and angry and exasperated and tired and I don't want to do it anymore.

I keep asking myself, how badly do I have to suffer for the people who love me to see my death as humane? how long do I have to keep doing this to justify it? at what point does the relief of giving up outweigh the hurt I'd leave behind?

I don't feel like I can tell anyone I know any of this. therapists or suicide hotline folks would get me caged and I'd come out worse than I went in. my mom's fuss would be unbearable. my closest friend has explicitly told me not to talk to them when suicidal. and honestly them or anyone else I'd just feel manipulative anyways.

I've gotten through this enough times before, right? I'll never actually do it, I'll chicken out every time, right? I'll make it out of the 27th year, right? even though I told myself this was when I could finally die if I still wanted to? what a fucked up baton to pass to my future self. but that's the nature of keeping on living. I'm passing on the baton. you, ahead of me, you get to decide if you keep passing it forward. you get to decide. you get to deal with my inaction. enjoy the apartment. enjoy the freedom. don't you want to live yet?

[reflectionsyouwillneversee]

Went to bed and woke up at 4:30 in pain on the left side yet again, have been in pain for about 3 hours now. Tried to make myself go back to sleep after pain pill kicked in slightly to only have nightmares about the pain, in my dream I was working a new job that wanted to fire me cause I walked to slow cause I was bent over in pain as I walked and I was put in front of a large panel of old people who wanted to belittle me, only to wake up with tears streaming down my face cause the pain is back again on the left side and there is nothing else I can do here but wait for my pain pills to kick in and hope I don’t end up going to a local hospital and get a stupid bill I can’t afford all cause I’m stuck in a place I never wanted to go to in the first place and not I don’t even have you here for comfort. This fucking blows donkey dick! I hope you are getting all the peace with the space and time you needed with out me there, excuse me if I am not nice today, and i will do my best to stop telling you that I miss(ed) you still even thousands of miles away, you are making it very clear to see, that even if you did miss me you would not tell me anyways, because it is stuck in your head that I need to move on from you, so you would not tell me anyways, because I dug that sword you used on me just as deep into your back. Things for us were never supposed to be like this. This anger against you, it never existed before, and should have never been put there. I love(d) you with all my heart and soul. I wish I could have been the one you truly wanted, you used to make me feel that way, but I never will be enough for you, cause you can’t even love yourself. I wish no ill on to you, I wish no suffering, I wish no pain, I hope money flows to your hands, and you get everything you deserve cause you should be happy, even if that is not with me, even though that it’s all I ever wanted for us, I didn’t know what else to do or how else to try because the only love shown to me in the past by people who raised me, was the wrongest kind of love shown to a person that I never wanted to lose you because you were different, and I love(d) everything about you for being like me, shattered but willing to try to build with the right person. Sorry I was territorial with you, I was only jealous over the fact you would give to other girls what you used to but give to me but then you ended up refusing to give me, like I had been a bad girl and no longer deserved that side of you, the side I miss the most, things that should have only been shown to a person you love in the first place. When I come back you can have all the space you need. If I am quiet for the rest of this trip, you now know why. I won’t burden you with my doctor visits, my problems will stay just mine, I won’t beg you to stay or to pick me no more. After I feel like you are only letting me stay out of guilt. You can move on with your life, I only ask you respect me enough to keep it away from my sight this time, until I can move on myself. It may take me a while, I didn’t fall in love with you over night, it will take a while for me to gather my things and thoughts, let alone the cost to move out, because although I carry a lot of anger, I never stopped loving you even in the worst times. I am sure this is karma coming against me cause of my kids, cause I don’t know what else I did to deserve this, so I will take what is coming at me, grin and bare it. I deserve to be unhappy for the rest of my life and in pain physically as well as emotionally. I am sorry I could not love you the way you wanted or needed. Perhaps someone else will cause I am no good for you. If I don’t reply much, you know why. I can’t take back what I said in anger although I wish I could. Just like you, I didn’t think through my actions or words, after all we are human and make mistakes that we have to live with it, I am sorry I love(d) you the wrong way and miss(Ed) the you I met all those years ago, you said I changed after we got married, well so did you. Going to take a hot shower in hopes this pill kicks in soon.

[apophisclouds]

I RETURN! I haven't drawn much in a while, I got a job at a grocery store, (Meijer, to be specific,) and have never been more miserable in my life. It used to be a decent job, I'd be left to stock beer and wine, I'd get shit done, I'd go home, and I'd eat dinner and go to bed like a normal human being. But now, all the tolerable higher ups have either left or been replaced by a bunch of clueless assholes who don't understand how our jobs are done, don't understand that you don't need to put employees under constant surveilance to assure they get their jobs done, and ESPECIALLY don't realize that employee morale takes quite a dip when you clearly demonstrate you will neither trust them to do their jobs, nor will you give them credit for the jobs they did do. Let me give you a rundown of my average day at Meijer. I go to work, take a lot of huge bong rips in my car I can barely afford, to not lose my head when the managers and "line lead" (fancy word for "useless asshole that yells at you to do your job and ultimately accomplishes nothing,) pester me about every minute detail of what I'm going to do for the entire day, clock in, go to work, get yelled at for walking slow or some bullshit, start my job, let my guard down thinking maybe I'll be left alone for 5 minutes to actually get shit done, lose all hope in humanity when I'm told it "looks like I haven't run shit" after running 5 beer skids in like 2 hours, consider plucking my eyes out so I never have to work another day in my life again, go to my car for break, take like 10 more rips, leave the second I can clock out. Every work day. I haven't been this miserable since high school, and I do not say that lightly. So yeah, basically I've been too miserable to do the thing that normally helps me vent my emotions, that being my drawing. I'd quit but I can't afford to miss a single paycheck because the cost of living is higher than I could ever hope to get on any given work day. I've been driven back to alcoholism because of this job. They say they "care how I feel" too, if only to add insult to injury, these stupid money-whores only care about not looking bad to their shitty braindead customers. I've told them to their faces this job makes me suicidal, they just don't care. I genuinely consider crippling myself for life in some way every day because somehow, this is the best job I can find. I would rather be blind and missing a leg than have to work at all. Doctors can't help, my family won't help, and no one who cares about me can afford to help. What the fuck am I supposed to do with my life? I've never not felt trapped in whatever shitty situation I've ever been in, between abusive family, a shitty, apathetic, imcompetent school district, and now a somehow even shittier, more apathetic, and VASTLY more imcompetent workplace no matter what job I get. WHAT DO I DO? What can I do? Is this just my life? Work for money all day every day, the money I hate but need to live, and never accomplish anything I actually care about, if not for lack of money, then lack of time? I don't know how much longer I can just do this. This is my life now, and probably forever. I've been failed by everything around me. The only solutions that come to me are to either cripple myself, or to burn everything to the ground. I've never felt safe here. I'll never be safe.

[hereiamtolive]

br0ken

i am supposed to go to work, well it’s 15 minutes before 9 but i haven’t even got up from my bed. Doin my other project so i could earn more money.

You know, when you are drawing, writing or you just focus on doing something your mind travels anywhere. For me, it’s always wandering around what is my dream life while if there are option i could die without sins or i should have not taken responsibility when i am alive i will definitely choose that.

I am still questioning, why god choose me to be a human? to be alive? i believe in god, god helps me the most, maybe this is the reason why the chose me to born.  God really turned me down in every step of my life, thinking people are shits so i will only seek god if i needed help. I remember god when i needed it but i totally forgot when i am tired of this life, enduring all the things alone, i couldn’t care with everyone around me because i feel so sicks, the pains this live and everything. I just want to run away, everything is complicated right now, every year i just feel i am stuck, always wondering where will i finally say i have my own stable life, where i stop thinking to runaway. 

When will i stop blaming my fucking parents for my life. I mean why and when. It’s only me right now, but it’s really hard. No matter how many times i think about it i really hate my parents, while thinking about it i force myself just to let this slide and forgive them but still i can’t, it has been years, i might have been hating them in my whole life. I hate them but they raised me until this age, raising and giving traumas and pains on process to grow up. 

Also, i thought being a broken home is not a big deal. It’s not me who said that, everyone said that because they think i am a grown up, already have my own mind to choose the path. I want to choose my path but there’s my parents still hanging around my life, i don’t know i can’t leave my mom but i can not be with her side no matter how many times i think about it. She raised me but i did not received any loves from her. Before she chose to be a career woman she was really strict to me, yelled at me if i did not study or even if i did not drink my morning milk she was yelling so hard to me, i can’t feel the emotional bond between her because i never feel the love itself directly. She does giving me love but the way she treated me when i was kid, while i think about it ... i got this anger issues from her. Ah maybe my inner child still remember how she was verbally and physically abused back then, oh and she’s still...i was being abused by her 3 months ago, that is why i can’t be with her no matter how much i think about it.  She raised me with her money but not with her loves. She worked really hard, she paid all my tuition school she did everything so she can give me money, and it does make sense when i don’t need money from her anymore i just want to leave her, with my brother. 

If someone reads this in the future, i was abused by mother 3 months ago. Yes, anything can happen only for money. I know that is my fault too but i really hate being in the situation every single time. I helped my mother back then to use my name so she can buy a car, i thought it’s ok because i will also use the car but i never use it, i choose to use public transport and if i don’t have money well i choose not go, i don’t like to socialize with people. I always reject my friends or asking if they can drop me off i don’t care it’s just me who does not have money and i don’t want to drive. I went back from Thailand, so i don’t have money left in my savings. I hate to pay advance the car credit every month, it’s like half of my salaries gone, and even the last months i have to pay the living costs, i hate it, i don’t have money that i earn, working crying everyday and it’s just gone. I screamed to her, i hate her, i told her i don’t have money anymore i hate my life, i cursed in front of her.  Everytime i told her i hate for this fucking car installments issue she does not helping me but blame my father which i can’t even reach, or perhaps i decided not to contact him at that time. She abused me, she slapped me, it was hard but i can’t even feel the pain, everything in my life all is the pain. She screamed, she hit my face a few times, i know she did not realize it. I was crying then, i went to the bathroom, turning on the shower, crying under it. My anxiety disorder came, i can’t breathe so i fainted while the water draining, it was cold the water, the bathroom floor, but it was nothing, i only felt the pains thinking so her ‘other’ side really came back. My mother side that i tried to forget when i was a child, and i met her again at 25 years old. She barged to take myself out from the bathroom, i mean just let me fainted i know i won’t be dead. It was just me crying and fight my anxiety disorder by myself. She forced herself to took me from the bathroom, while she slapped me so many times to get up, i mean mom i was in my eps of anxiety and chose abuse rather than try to calm me. I am just gonna tell, she was not wrong, but i don’t know why it’s really hard to forget if someone abused you whether is verbally or physically. So, that is why i chose not to live with her again, and i am doing my hardest to do it, i mean i could leave her even right now but i won’t. She has to be in a decent home, but then i can leave.

I hate her tears, it’s traumatic for me, it’s really giving me a trauma whenever i hear my mom crying, such a dead sound. I always hearing my mom crying since i was a child -- until now. Everytime i hear her crying, my mind just messed up so i hate her cries. She is too kind to everyone, while the world always stabs her. She cares about anyone but not me, because she thinks i am stronger and independent like her, well i am not mom. You are giving me a lot of traumas that i can’t even blame. I just wish the world would side us this time ahead.

[babyloniastreasure]

oh boy

I’ve reached a point in my recovery where I think I’m okay enough, regularly enough, to be able to work, but at the same time i know i absolutely am not okay enough

working puts so much extra stress on my body in ways that I dont ever have to deal with during recovery. just because I’m finally okay enough to do a daily task for ten minutes at home doesn’t mean I’ll be okay doing a daily task four hours into an eight hour shift at work.

i so very badly want to be capable. but rushing into it when there’s a good chance i’ll fuck up my entire ONGOING recovery back to square one from one or two shifts would only prove i’m truly not capable after all. and its not even me making excuses. i know what i can and can’t do, and i know my limits. im not well enough to work. i dont know when i’ll ever be well enough. IF i’ll ever recover.

but shit dude like. im damn near thirty years old and i can’t even afford a $50 bill each month for hormones. let alone my phone bill or groceries or utilities or RENT. or things I’ve been hurting for for these last two years, like socks because all of mine have holes in them, or a second pair of pants. never mind things that i want that would make life a little more bearable--video games or figures or a new book. hell i can’t even go to the dollar store and pick up a new pencil without stressing about how i’m going to get a replacement dollar by next month. every single cent is precious. i can’t afford to use even a single one

like i’m lucky enough to be able to live at home with my dad, who does support me and understands my position, but shit. i don’t LIKE that he pays for everything. i really wish i could help with all these costs, but i can’t

and aside from the helplessness of not being able to help him out, life is just so...utterly stagnant this way. i can’t drive, but even if i did it’s not like i can afford gas to GO anywhere. i don’t have any local friends. i don’t have any outlets. i watch my sister succeed and make all kinds of money from putting in two seconds worth of effort toward something i’ve been striving to earn success at for years to no avail (art). i can’t work. i have nothing, man. i’ve been stuck in this same spot for a decade. i feel so hopeless and helpless and useless and pathetic and tired

but there’s nothing i can do to change it

no amount of optimism can change the fact that my body can’t handle my ONLY way out of this. i need income. i cant work. nobody wants my art or my skills. what the fuck am i supposed to do?

[disanddatmedia]

I'm going to fucking cry,

seriously.

I have an condition, PMR is what I was told but I don't fit it exactly, and Im now in flare up #2 in this month of july, my employer is demanding a doctors note and my GP is SUPER busy, but I need to see him because he knows what these flares up are to me, he knows the history, and apparently other doctors at that office fuck me around, and if I don't get this note to stay home since I barely can stand and walk, I'm worried ill lose my shitty job, despite being the worst fucking job ive ever been at, I need it, because I've looked and theres nothing better that I can physically/qualified to do, and its sad because my current job gives out the absolute minimum compensation possible legally for a 40 hr week, i didn't even get a second fucking shirt until i was there for 1 year and 7 months, my grandfather dies? I get a max of 3 days off unpaid per year because thats the government minimum, no raises (even when i had every goddam right to ask and get one), no benefits, no fucking nothing, just minimum wage and a fuck you, and I cant find better. since the cost of gas and groceries went sky high ive been stuck at around 2000+ in visa debt (was ZERO before the price hike) because 90-97% of all that is from groceries, gas, medicine, important shit, and I have no way to pay it back, ive been spending as minimum as possible and putting as much as possible from my paycheck into it but it always goes back to 2000+, and I cant get a second job because Im already maxed out basically from my other job.

I was told by my doctor that I have to have less stress in my life ad maybe it will be less often that i get flare ups. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO THAT! I kmow he means well and hes probably right but how the fuck am i suppose to do that? my biggest stresses are (in order): Financial, work/job, mental health. Im not able to get any fucking help with fucking any of it (even mental health, to see a psychologist, it be almost a year, when i asked if i could any sooner, i was told that it is usually 5 year wait)

And ill be honest, if i wasn't renting from my sister but instead a random fuck, i be homeless by now, my rent is cheap because theyre not looking to make money off of me and she cares bout me. but if i had a random? rent be higher and i wont be able to pay for it unless i literally straved.

there is no freedom in being poor, only pain, suffering, and hell.

I get told to get a better job, but fucking how? there is nothing.

i get told to get a second job, how? i can barely make it through the 8 hour shift 5 days a week.

i get told to go back to school, how? Im already in debt with the bank so they're not going to want to loan to me, also i cant even get my mental health controlled which includes learning disabilities, and then its also a matter of what i can actually get into because its been like 9 years since i was in school, i didn't do that well, and im not going to get accepted into anything unless it too is a job thats minimum wage

i get told to be smarter with money, I can't exactly do more than I already am, im doing everything i can to get out and its not happening anytime soon (also owe my father 2000, at least he understands my shit position)

go talk to a mental health worker? Im trying, i cant afford paid therapy and psychologist so i have to wait forever for one i can see for free

this is not living, this is not getting by, this is suffering, and this suffering is from higher ups in government and corporations, they do not care how im doing until i am camped outside there area, which it will be only to kick me out and destroy my shit

cons dont care, its always "get a better job, pull yourself up by the bootstraps" but their is no fucking bootstraps, and my body is getting more and more fucked to where if there was straps and if it was possible to do it in general, my body is too weak to do so

living and existence is suffering in hell with no way out

i hope to find an out but im very doubtful at this point that their will be