#how do i fix this i dont want to be living with this constant state of stress

[crushedsweets]

neeed to hear the context behind ur most recent art. please enlighten us

you guys dont even know how excited i get when someone asks smth like this abt my art or headcanons or au.

i actually wrote liek a fucking essay oh my god im so sorry anon ill have the actual drawing context after the big bolded caps

TW for typical creepypasta story type stuff

anyway ok UNNECESSARY BACKSTORY: liu spent a long time trying to just psychologically recover from everything. he hated jeff and he hated the memory of everything. jeff signature murders would occur every now and again, each time liu would fall into a deep depression. the murders stopped for a while, and everyone believed jeff 'retired' or died. liu was conflicted about it. until Jeff committed his final full-blown 'jeff fashion' murder (janes family) in tuscaloosa alabama. liu had another breakdown and ended up moving to tuscaloosa because he was completely convinced he needed to find jeff again because he could fix it (or die trying and he'd be fine with that too)

nina was always one of those girls obsessed with 'true crime' but like.... the murderers instead of the cases. she was 12 when jeff's first rampage happened and she just fell head over heels in love with this freak. she began to act out, miss school for days, sneaking out to meet older people, etc etc. eventually she did the classic jeff smile cut into her face(she pussied out on making it like jeffs, so she has cleaner, less noticeable scars) . she started getting severely bullied (for being creepy and worshipping a literal murderer) and her parents sent her to live with her grandparents in mississpi. she started stalking liu through social media and whitepages when jeff was presumed dead. but eventually, jeff's final murder happened in alabama(a state away from her) and after turning 18, she ran away to go find jeff convinced he would 'save her' from the life she created for herself. nina got wrapped up in slenderman business because of her constant Tom Foolery. she met her idol

JEFF IS A BAD PERSON IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. he did a beautiful job in using his #1 fangirl and enjoying the worship. she scrambled for pennies to afford an apartment, she'd sleep on the couch if he wanted to use her bed, she's ride her bike hours to go get weed or something from rando drug dealers that give better deals to pretty girls, make him food, do his damn laundry, literally anything and everything bc THATS HER MAAANNNNN (no he isnt.)

jeff DOES NOT GIVE A FUUUCK about everything nina does for him . one day he finds her trying to creepily get into contact with liu (and liu actually responded) and he loses his shit and stabs her and goes on and on about how 'you ruined your own useless fucking life your family is never going to take you back you did this to yourself' etc. he didn't intend to kill her only cuz he knew she'd forgive him and he liked all the shit she gave him

NOW ABOUT THE DRAWING ITSELF:::::

afterwards nina gets patched up from jeff stabbing her, she has some weird 'liu will save me' spiral (not romantically just in a very literal 'he can fix this' way). liu's been on his own spiral since finding out jeffs alive which is the only reason he even gave nina the time of day. eventually she ends up at his house to 'talk about jeff' bc she sent him creepy pics proving she knew jeff yadayadayada.

im not sure the exact conversation i imagined for the drawing, BUT liu eventually says something that sets nina off and she tears at her stitches and breaks down and drips blood all over his kitchen talking about 'I CAN MAKE HIM LOVE ME AGAIN I JUST NEED YOUR HELP PLEAAASEEEE' or something.

liu's a good man, much to his own detriment, and can't help but comfort this kid who's bleeding and crying in his kitchen at the fault of his own brother. he's all too familiar with wanting to repair his relationship with jeff, despite the amount of rage, betrayal, misery, etc he felt at jeffs hands. he doesn't ACTUALLY want to reconnect with jeff, but it's a very deep internal longing for the baby brother he once had that VERY RARELY overshadows his hatred

i want to reaffirm that liu does not feel positively about jeff at all, does not want to see him, and only moved to alabama b/c of a long ass mental health crises and is now too wrapped up in new financial commitments(plus jane) to move again. and now he feels obligated to help nina

he just misses being a big brother :( not so much the jeff part

also none of this at all is shipping at all i am terrified at the idea of people taking anything romantically . even if nina is in 'love' with jeff its purely for the story/horror . ITS ALL REALLY BAD

[nerdydowntherabbithole]

Okay, I've sent a lot of asks talking about my stuff, but I need to take a moment to say thank you.

I've only recently got into making art, and up until now it was slow going. Sometimes I just wouldn't have the energy to draw, or I straight up couldn't think of anything that I wanted to draw. But then I stumbled onto "Taking Life As Is" and it energized something in me.

I've been pumping out new art of completely original creatures at a ridiculous rate, taking the time to actually research real life animals for reference, something I've rarely had the patience to do before.

I can't believe it's only been 3 days since that ask where I came up with One Thousand Silent Eyes, the first OC to ever leave my brain. In 3 days, I've filled eleven whole pages of my journal. That blows my mind.

So thank you. Thank you for the wonderful story in a fandom that is desperately short on those, but more than that, thank you for inspiring me. For the first time in years, I'm creating things for myself, instead of consuming things made by others.

Without your wonderful story and constant shared excitement for not just my ideas, but everybody's awesome ideas, I don't know how long I would have gone without that drive to create. Thank you. <3

(Sorry if this is too serious or self-important, I tend to ramble when I need to express what I'm thinking. Dont feel any pressure to answer this if you dont want to!)

HI HELLO. UH. I needed to go lay down for a min after this so I didn't just outright start bawling my ACTUAL eyes out in a /srs way. And I just can't say enough how little my expressions of gratitude will not live up to the feelings I got. I can type abt screaming and sobbing all I want but AUGH that does NOT live up to it. So all I can do is say thank you thank you THANK YOU. Like I've stated before, I started TLAI as just. A silly little fix it fic that, I am going to tell you now, I thought I would barely get over 100 kudos in like. A month or two. My writing experience is basically sequestered to fandoms that have zero members other than myself and my dear friends, making small drabbles for said friends. AND UH. YEAH. AS YOU CAN SEE IT HAS GONE A LITTLE OUT OF THAT RANGE BY NOW. It is ABSOLUTELY guys like u that keep me motivated and confident in my own work. It is beyond the highest honor for me to ever hear that I have actively inspired ANYONE, honestly. Especially to this degree. It is BEYOND wild. Especially because your stuff is so GENUINELY massively awesome. It is so cool. I would have never guessed that you haven't just been doing this forever. SO UH YEAH. MUTUAL SAP. IM TAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS AND SHAKING YOU. THANK U SO MUCH. I NEED TO GO AND CRY NOW.

[unethicalexperiments]

idk how to really start this but like. my mental state is just so exhausting like im so tired of it. theres no reason i should be this volatile theres no reason i should react to situations the way i do. just last night i had a weird (not even that bad) interaction with a stranger and it pissed me off so much i tried to kill myself. i wasn't sad or embarrassed i was just so furious over it, because it was a 10 second interaction and i couldn't explain myself to the other person, and i was just so fucking angry i was ready to physically hurt the other person over it well after i walked away. and then once i got home i was so upset that i got that unreasonably angry over a nothing interaction. and its not like i even got angry while i was still with the other person! it wasnt until after i walked away! there were only two thoughts circling in my mind for about 30-60 minutes after (idk im so bad at keeping track of time) that were just "why do i react to things like this" and "i just want it to stop hurting" bc thats the worst of it it just hurts so much. i swear im in physical pain after having breakdowns like that i feel hollow in my chest and obviously i dont have to say anything else about how much it emotionally hurts. i just want it to stop hurting. is that really too much to ask for? to not be in so much pain for just a little while? i guess i still havent come to terms with the fact that im disabled, because i still think of being disabled as someone who uses aids, even though i know invisible disabilities are a thing. i dont see other peoples invisible disabilities as being invalid, just really my own, because i still feel like im high enough functioning that i shouldnt consider myself disabled. i dont use mobility aids yet i dont take pain medication yet so therefore the literal brain damage i have isnt bad enough, im still fine. i kind of got off track but thats also part of it i guess. another thing that really gets me is the fact that i actually do have bpd, i was diagnosed by an actual doctor at 17 and its still a more than valid diagnosis. i feel like im in this constant cycle of "i have to get better because i cant keep living like this" and "i have to get worse so everyone else can see what theyve done to me". like last night i literally had to sit down and reread the dsm chapter on bpd to remind myself this is why youre like this. you do have this diagnosis its real and it is a problem. my 30 minute episodes of actively trying to kill myself to be followed by watching tv or something and laughing as if none of that happened. i still cant fathom not living like this, not having to go through this every fucking day. and then on the other hand i had a great interaction today at my job that made me feel really good about what i do and proving the work that i do is actually helping the community around me. and i felt on top of the world for like an hour, i felt great! and then another thing at work happened where i proved myself/my team to be right about something! which was also great! and i got another half hour of happiness. and then i get home and im reminded of how alone i am, how i really have no one to do or share anything with anymore. which is partially my fault and partially not! im not gonna act like im the most pleasant person to be around or that im easy to deal with, but fuck, man, i try. and it always feels like no one else is trying. i cut my own hair for the first time a few weeks ago; it came out great! and had no one to tell about it.

and now im just staring at a wall over all of it. none of the bad stuff happened none of the good stuff happened. im gonna get violently angry later and im gonna be nearly euphoric later, its just another day. and i want to change i want to change my lifestyle so bad but how can i do that without any help. i spent years of my life begging for other people to help me and got ignored, which resulted in my disability. i tried so hard to fix it on my own but i couldnt! im not a doctor! and now ill never be because i couldnt finish my pre-med classes because of my disability! i feel like im constantly screaming at the top of my lungs and waving red flags shouting please for the love of god someone help me every day and every day nothing changes. they say you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, but has anyone actually tried helping people before? youre telling me you cant problem solve? you cant find a different road to a solution, just because we cant take the easiest one? im sorry that its not easy for everyone else to help me, but how does anyone else think i feel?

but whatever. im fine now. i relived every emotion i went through while writing all that but im fine now. now that its all out there its all out there, out of my system. i dont care anymore. because it didnt matter. because it doesnt matter. none of it matters. it happened and its gonna happen again. ill go through these cycles again tomorrow and the next day and the next week and the next month and the next year and so on. it is what it is i guess. but does it really have to be.

[ibolyafagyi]

most of the times i write something (whether its a post that a few ppl will see or my private diary entry!) theres a need to finish off with a moral imperative or "this is what i need to do for this goal". me writing right now also has this intent lurking. i guess i started writing out stuff both on the internet or for myself with mostly this goal, not just to communicate but to change something, and it stuck around as a general rule.

but i feel like it also connects to and feeds into a general vibe of excessive productivity orientedness. i am always fixing something, even when theres nothing in particular to fix, or the problem/situation is not ripe enough, not definable enough for fixing. meaning my feelings about them (or what id like the situation to be) arent really developed and defined yet. the impulse to do something about it >> feeling the situation out patiently.

when someone hurts me, it is *my* job to asap understand my feelings and organize them and communicate and mediate and get to a conclusion etc. "you have to do what you can do, whats within your control." my feelings dont really get a chance to breathe before i want to get to fixing "them" and their cause. my anger is always viewed as excessive, unnecessary. (family reasons?)

i have to do whats within my control to be in control of the situation, and then if im out of control, its always at least partially my fault (the nagging feeling of "i could have done more!!"), my shortcoming, which again ill have to work to fix. i had an ed when i was 15-16 (never sure how to phrase this cuz it feels more like i got into disordered eating but that doesnt seem healthily phrased enough) -- in any case it was an exercise in controlling what i can and getting a very visceral sense of control.

i was watching kennie j. d.'s video about love island 4 and she talked about the dynamic of a person being emotionally sensitive, getting shit for it, then wanting to turn that trait into a strength by becoming a sort of savior, fixing other people who are more emotionally immature or closed off, and who they see as in need of their help. treating other people as projects. (dont do that.) i did do that! but another way ive tried to deal with this discomfort around being sensitive is the fixing-oriented attitude towards my feelings.

when covid started i was still fairly fresh out of high school and needed to do something about my mental health, seemed like i was painfully trying to skirt around insecurities all the time. i wanted to face them and got down to diary writing. it was sorta liberating so i thought oh if i just do this, confess my insecurities and go on a continual hunt for my ways that i perceive as faulty, i will eventually fix everything about myself and "will function normally". i dont even know if this sounds weird, it has been my thinking for a long while.

but it doesnt pay off well to be in a constant state of "im faulty, i need to eliminate my faults". like a machine. it served me in some way but its not a good attitude. im not my job. im not my project to perfect and eventually finish. (read rfq's essay isolation is easy living is hard.) neither me or the world is objective -- is somehow an attractive phrase. we are just changing. its not finishable.

[likeadiamondintherough]

I feel so sad that during a lot of mine and Blake relationship that it felt like so many people were against it and praying on the downfall of it, what did I do? what did he do that people didnt want us to work out? Why is what anyone else thought matter at all??

I know I hurt Blake doing what I did, it was wrong and it was never with the intent to hurt him or to et back or anything. it was quite shameful and that why I kept him blocked but I also was so happy and felt a void filled when I met max and I again made the mistake of not letting myself heal but I didnt know max was coming and I didnt think that any time soon in my life I was going to find anyone anytime soon to replace Blake. And its not that I wanted to replace Blake but my healing process always feels so delayed that by the time I feel like it actually resonated with me what Blake did that it was deep into us trying to “fix” things and it was just barely kind of setting in what happened so it made everything look so bad because here I was with Blake trying to play happy and trying to move on and trying to look forward but I was slowly kind of moving away and even worse considering I was in Austin. I didnt want to lose him, even with being with Max, because I loved him and I still do, obviously why I am so hurt and typing this out but the romance wasn't there and I didnt know how to bring it back to life, I continued to do everything I could to support us, I wouldnt even be here in Austin without Blake if he didn't do what he did, I just wanted to have a fun life with him and be happy because he was my happiness and even throughout the year of the turmoil of what felt like a constant rollercoaster because of his mental state, I was doing everything I could to show that I loved him.

So I am where I was when I found out I got cheated on, 6 months ago. It makes me so sad to think its been that long already. They say time heals all but with this ive only grown more sad and bitter of the situation and I wonder did I deserve this? for how I left Blake? Am I doing the right thing, did I make the right choice? Everything feels so delayed. 

I hate seeing him in everyones snaps, it makes me so angry considering a lot of these people are the same people that were being mean about him and people that didnt want to see us together. It is so hurtful because all these people knew how much I loved and supported him. Its not fair. Why does he look so happy without me, what was I doing wrong. Why does it never feel good enough. I worked my fucking ass off for months just trying to make our lives fun and happy and now he has a job and now hes doing better and he gets to keep all the friends. its not fair. Why wasn't he better for me, why wasn't I enough? Why did it take all this? And dont get me wrong I want good for Blake I dont want him to suffer even tho I am still hurt and angry but im just sad he wasn't that person for me and I know we shouldn't live life thinking about what ifs but I cant help but wonder. I was the best fucking girlfriend to him, I was a better girlfriend to him than I was anything in my life. I was kind, I was patient, I was loving, I was forgiving, I did my best to give him every single thing I could and that we never went without. Did I waste it? Can I do it again? Do I have to watch him be this role but for someone else?

My whole life I feel like Ive been robbed and I was get used and someone gets off on me. Its just not fucking fair. why did he get to make ugly tweets about me for months, why did he get to do what he did and now I have to suffer and hurt? I did something very fucking selfish but would he have changed if I stuck around? It just hurts me. He’s the only boyfriend ive ever had so present in my family life, so involved and felt like bc he wanted to be. It just fucking sucks and life just fucking sucks and I just want to sell everything I have and go somewhere else and build something new and different and just runaway. Nothing feels like home. I know I dont want to be with Blake. But Im feeling everything in my life right now.

[spideymarvelws]

 had so much fun writing the first scene dude... i feel like as a fanfic writer its a sin i haven’t written anything like it yet lmfaoo (to be fair i probably have but I just dont rem💀) anyways i hope you enjoy!

REPOST BECAUSE OF TAGS!!!

Main Masterlist / Add Yourself To My Taglist / Prompt List

Prompt : 9. “Then what are you waiting for?”

Warnings : just some cute floof, some cursing here and there

Word Count : 2.2k

Hesitation

Technoblade x GN!Reader

It was always peaceful in the tundra right before the sun set. Not only did the orange and red colours that reflected off the shiny snow send a wave of tranquility through the lands. It was a specific time where all the animals would go back into their homes before the mobs spawned at night fall, leaving the lands in complete silence.

Phil loved working at this time, getting small tasks done around the house that he wasn’t able to do throughout the day. Whether it was washing the dishes or dusting out the book shelves. Maybe even lounged around near the fireplace, planning out what he had to do the next day. It was always quiet, void of distractions to keep him from doing them.

But of course, with peace always came chaos.

“YOU CHEATED!”

“NO I DIDN’T!”

“YES YOU DID!”

The door cracked open, slamming against the wall behind it making the blonde jump from the sudden noise. He was ready to pick up his sword by his side until he recognised the voices of his house mates, shouting like little children.

Phil sighed, continuing to wash the dishes in front of him. While the bickering tended to amuse him at times, right then he just wanted to stay in the silence. He was quick to grab a pear of earplugs from his chest, pushing them snugly into his ear, blocking out the noise you both brought into the house while humming a small tune.

“There’s no way that your horse is faster that Carl! That’s just not possible!” Techno shook his head, his entire body still except for his left foot tapping consistently on the floor, “It’s just not possible.”

“Okay-” you pointed your finger in his face, “First off, her name is Raven and secondly, you just can’t admit that she’s better than Carl.” you crossed your arms on your chest, looking up at the piglin with teasing eyes.

Tech threw his head back with a groan, turning around gruffly and taking off his cape along with the skull mask covering his face.

“I won’t admit it because it isn't true!” he turned back to face you, mimicking your stance and tilting his head slightly to the side.

You raised your eyebrows at his response, nodding slowly, “Alright, alright,” you slowly took of your cloak, bunching it up and throwing it at him, his reflexes catching it before the fabric hit his chest, “Maybe it’s just the ridder and not the horse.”

Techno gasped, “You take that back.” he threw your cloak to the side.

You hummed, looking up and faking a thinking face, “Nah... I don’t think I will, I said what I said.” you stepped closer to the hybrid, sizing up his figure, “And what are you going to do about it?”

Techno squinted his eyes, a small smirk making its way to his face before he grabbed you by the waist, throwing you over his shoulder and walking away from the entrance into the living room.

“Hey!” You pounded at his back, wiggling in his tight grip, “Put me down you loaf!”

He laughed at your words but obliged, throwing you on the couch near the fireplace. Before you could sit up, he crawled over your form, knee besides one side of your waist with his other foot planted on the floor, keeping him steady hovering over you.

“Techno-” you chuckled nervously, trying your best not to stray away from his intense gaze, fighting the heat starting to rise to your face. Your hands pushed at his chest, weakening when he brought his face closer to yours, making you feel smaller than you already were.

He didn’t say anything, instead his fingers dug into your stomach, wiggling them across the fabric of your shirt. Your laugher filled the air, high pitched and bouncing off the walls of the cottage. You tried your best to control them, not wanting to give in to the blood god’s actions so quickly. But your hands on your stomach did nothing to stop his.

“Oh. My. God! Techno! Stop you fucking- oh god!”

“Take it back Y/n!” he laughed along with you, continuing his assault on your stomach, “Take it back or I swear to god you’re going to loose a canon life from being too ticklish.”

“NEVER!” you shouted between laugher, screaming when his hands began to move faster, knocking the breath out of your lungs. In the heat of the moment, he took your wrists into his fist, pinning them above your head, keeping your hands from interfering with his plans.

“Say. It.” even with one hand we was doing enough to keep you squirming underneath him, desperate for an escape.

“Okay! Okay! You- You’re a good rider Techno! You’re a good rider!” you finally admitted, your body falling limp against the cushions when he finally raised his fingers from your stomach.

Techno laughed at your state, leaning back with a cocky smirk on his face, “Glad to know we could come to an agreement,”

“I hate you,” you mumbled, your head rolling to the side on your shoulder as you caught your breath. You closed eyes in relief that the past few minutes were over, nearly falling asleep with the amount of energy you spent laughing.

Techno chuckled, taking your chin into his fingers, turning your head to look back at him, “Is that so?”

You nodded, fluttering your eyes open to look up at the pink haired man. Your breath hitched when you noticed how close his face was to yours. His entire presence felt suddenly close, his chest puffed out with long breaths, his legs practically tangled with yours, his face hovering over you, radiating heat you didn’t notice while he was tickling you. You watched as his face lit up red, his piglin ears straightening out of the side of his head, probably taking in the proximity as well.

Techno wasn’t one to get flustered often, but when he did it was always with the people he cared about. He trusted them enough to let that blood god persona he put on fade away leaving behind his shy, nerdy side you always adored. The side of techno who would read by the fireplace with Steve sat snuggly in his lap, the Techno who would spend hours trying to fix his glasses that broke constantly in his strong grip only having to craft a new one. The Techno who would grumble about compliments from you and Phil but the subtle spread of pink across his face told everyone otherwise. The Techno you grew to love the more and more he let you it.

He began to get a lot more playful with you as you friendship grew. When you moved in with him out in the snow it only increased drastically. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for the both of you to end up in this position or something similar to it (like the time he pinned you down during training), but he would always stop before things got too intimate and while it hurt, you’ve grown to accept it. You were glad to be his friend, his companion. You would take his friendship over not knowing him at all any time of the day.

You waited for him to pull back. To stand up and dust off his clothes, offering you his hand to pull you up with him and continue that night like normal. But he stayed, his dark, dull eyes staying down at you with a shine you’ve never seen up close before.

Techno didn’t know what to do either. He didn’t know what was prompted him to stay in this position, the sudden confidence that pushed him to keep his hand on your face, his lips so close to yours.  Maybe it was the voices in his head, annoyed with the constant stares and thoughts of adoration when you rode Raven around in the snow, your cape flowing beautifully behind you, face showing nothing but pure joy. They were relentless, calling him out on every emotion he was feeling because of you.

He wanted to move for your sake, he was the one on top of you in the first place, pinning you down. You were probably being polite not shoving him off of you, even if you’ve never done it before, he just always pulled away before you could. But he couldn’t, his muscles stiff and unable to move.

A small part of his brain told him you wanted this too, but he ignored it for his own sanity.

“Techno-” you whispered but before you could continue, the hybrid immediately took the single word as a protest, finally letting go of your hands but keeping his body close.

“Shit I’m sorry that- that was probably a bit much.”

You giggled softly, “No- uh, it was fine tech, no worries,”

He looked down at your bright smile glowing in his face.

“You’re really beautiful Y/n,” he whispered, letting the rough pads of his fingers trail down the side of your face, blushing when you nudged them with your cheek, accepting the comfort.

“You think so?” you whispered back, looking up at him with doe eyes.

“I-” he started, his breath hot against the tip of your nose as he glanced down to your lips, quickly looking back into your eyes. Why weren’t you moving? Why weren’t you cringing, laughing at the thought of ever kissing him?

“You- Do you want this.” you whispered, letting his thumb pull down at your bottom lip, watching as the plush skin softly bounced back.

He nodded, shivering when you tangled your fingers into his pick curls, pulling his face down and nudging your nose against his. He closed his eyes, a small, cute snort coming from the back of his throat at the affection.

“Then what are you waiting for?”

“FUCK!”

You jumped at the sudden curse, Techno falling off of you and on to the floor besides the couch. Before you could process what just happened, the curse sounded again followed by a crash, both of your senses on high alert when you realised it was Phil’s voice coming from the kitchen. You rushed to grab your weapons from nearby, quickly pulling yourself together on the fact that your friend was in trouble.

You both ran as fast as you could, Techno in front of you with his sword drawn while you were behind loading your cross bow with an arrow. He barged into the kitchen, holding his blade in the air, ready to attack but all he was met with was a pair of wings slapping him in the face.

You dove under the large feathers, bumping the winged man to alert him of your presence.

“Oh... hey guys!” He smiled, taking out something from his ears and resting them on the kitchen counter. He sent a pointed look to the weapons in your hands, crossing his arms over his chest in confusion, “Why the weapons?”

“Are you alright?” Techno said, rubbing his nose from the hit.

“We heard you scream, thought you were in trouble.”

Phil chuckled nervously, “Sorry, my bad,” he turned around to face the both of you, “I just dropped a plate.”

You and Techno let out an audible sigh, dropping your weapons to the floor with a clank. You didn’t know how many times your heart could deal with the sudden bursts of adrenaline. Walking up to Techno, you took his hand away from his face, inspecting the soft red mark across his face from the whip of feathers. No matter how small the attack, you always made sure to check up on him, even when he didn’t need it.

But with your delicate touch came memories of the events that just happened

“Were- were you here the entire time?” Techno said hesitantly, looking up at his father with worried eyes. You took in his words, immediately pulling away from the hybrid, ignoring his small noise of protest.

“Yes, but i put in some ear plugs,” he pointed to them on the counter.

“Oh!” you piped in, “That’s- That’s good.”

“Was there something I missed?” he crossed his arms over his chest, looking at the both of you curiously.

“Nothing!” You both shouted at the same time, chuckling nervously.

“Okay?” Phil dragged out, pointing back to the sink, “Well, I’ll just-”

“Yeah! You- uh, get to that phil,” you began walking backwards, bounced into the edge of the counter. You played off the pain with a quick thumbs up and walking quickly out of the kitchen, mumbling curses under your breath.

“Are they alright mate?” Phil asked his son who seemed to be lost in his own world, staring at the spot you were once in, “Techno?”

“I- what?” He shook his head, “Uh, yeah- they’re,” he let out a small sigh, letting  his hand pass over his face, “Yeah, they’re fine.”

“Are you alright?”

Techno didn’t respond for a while, stuck in his own thought. Phil turned to his son, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, “Tech?”

“I think-” He let out a shaky breath, “I think I love them.”

...

IM SORRY FOR ENDING IT SO SUDDENLY

it was just getting to long and i didn’t want to loose motivation writing more😭

Permanent Taglist (Dream SMP) : @ossinsworld @lunarinnit @starstruckllamapuppy @shio-yuki @lovelychasbug @alice-blue-skies @chaosofsmarty @imamybubbles

Technoblade Taglist : @hyumiid @whenpugzfly @sammyxn @jackalopedoodles @notmesimpingfortechno @immadatmostthings

Crossed out mean couldn't tag :(

[skullshoal]

talking about jobs and stuff again under cut bc its all i talk about and if it’s draining you dont have to read. Not wholesale negative but talking about what i wanna do and my mental state.

So after today’s interview fiasco maybe i will try instead to try and see if i can possibly make patreon a viable supplementary income. I am sick of shitty retail jobs draining all my energy away and killing me. Plus as unhappy as i am at my work i would be a lot less desperate to leave if i just had more fucking money. Especially if i could cut down on my hours there to divert energy to something that doesn’t suck the soul out of my corpse.

I have been wary to try for a long time because i have had so much trouble producing art at the same time as working. I think if I could set up a schedule for myself that people were paying to see my work for I would be much more motivated to make it happen. the want-to versus have-to do something thing. I’m also wary of making art my job since. I just like doing it. I know making something your job changes it. But also if the only other choice is retail then well I am willing to take that risk. I wanted art to be my job anyway this is just a lot more direct. I don’t expect big bucks or anything especially not for a while but my out look on jobs is so so bleak right now. I keep applying to places that actually sound worth while and then i get an interview and its either totally bad or they don’t want me. I’m so fucking frustrated and drained and bleeding out and dying and it’s for minimum wage. I like the store i work at and i think if i try to set up the environment to better suit me then i would be less miserable. if i can ask for a certain amount of days off or that i don’t work cashier anymore that would be better. Right now i feel powerless because i need every second of pay i can get but if i have a different source of income even if smaller maybe i will feel more empowered to ask for things to make my life better.

I haven’t fully given up on leaving. I am just greatly discouraged with my failure to find a decent job rn :( I am mentally ill in a major way and the constant feeling of failure is um. Taking a toll! I am going to a psychiatrist next week and i’m hoping maybe getting on antidepressants will help me even though i’m also worried about how antidepressants can make you feel worse at first. Everything feels hopeless like i am supposed to work forever and never make enough money to enjoy anything in life and it sucks so bad. Hopefully the psychiatrist will open the pathway up to other things like therapy and stuff. It’s so hard to be trying to fix my life and also living in a pandemic and in my mid twenties and transitioning and the country is on fire and like every major event in the last decade. My current job is the longest i’ve stayed at a job. and it’s only 7 months. I’m scared i’ll always have a ticking timer on my head for how long i can stand to do something and it will never be long enough to make anything of it. I’m scared i’ll work shitty retail jobs the rest of my life and never get vacations and retirement and my passions. I’m scared I’ll get more depressed than i am now or than i have ever even been. I’m scared the pandemic will never end and that the government will turn the country to the sea and that all the kind people are gone. I feel powerless to change even the smallest aspects of my life right now and its paralyzing and horrifying and exhausting. I just want to take back some control of my future and my present. I want to enjoy my days off and see my friend’s sometimes. I want to go to the ocean.

Thanks for reading this far. I hope we’ll be ok.

[actualbird]

(post here)

not adding this to the post itself bc i am beyond terrified of adding commentary and i go off into another direction HAHA but yeah. yeah.

when you're some kind of creator or artist who draws upon real life or memory as inspiration, this state of being is a blessing and a curse. i write fiction and nonfiction, and a lot of what i write is derivative from my own experiences, so im extra aware of what is happening to me at all times, just in case i can use it later for art. which is fine for me normally tbh, like it makes me be more aware of all my experiences, makes me appreciate every day and what it brings. i personally dont mind the constant voyeur that is myself in my mind making me keep track of every experience with a notepad and pen.

but it gets Not Fine when like. the dynamic shifts from "this is my life as it is, it can be used for art perhaps" to "my life Must Be Art, Must Be Mine-able For Future Content, Must Be A Good Story, or else how will a create worthwhile things in the future?"

THAT is INCREDIBLY FUCKY TO THE BRAIN and i rate it 0/10 stars and i hope nobody ever ever ever experiences it. if you do, god, im so sorry, and i havent figured out a way to fix mine yet orz.

it's a bad time because life.....isnt designed to be a good narrative. life in it's original form is Just Like That, it doesnt follow the rules of art or literature, and trying to mold your life into those rules will cause a Lot of bad feelings. as an example, when i relapsed into Bad Mental Illness time, a few months ago, all i could think about was how sucky this was for my one essay where i talked about my mental recovery, how shitty of a narrative that is to finally reach the top, the ending of the story, and then start from the bottom again. "it's not a good story" morphs into "im not living life correctly" and ehhhhh you can see how damaging that kind of mindset is....

somebodys always watching, in your head. it's you. and based on how you live your life, that watcher-who-is-you will either be more present or less present. i dont think theres a way to "turn off" this part of the brain that wants to watch and pick your life for things to turn into art, but hopefully staying grounded in the fact that life is just Life can help keep watcher-who-is-you from staying as just that. a watcher. not the one trying to call the shots

i havent had breakfast yet, so this all probably reads like mumbo jumbo!!!

[kyodzuken]

domestic headcanons - death the kid

aka; you move in with kid and he’s kinda ooc but also cute so let me have my fun.

- moving in with kid was literally one of the most stressful and yet rewarding parts of your life. lots of boxes falling down the stairs as you and death the kid run hastily to try and salvage your belongings, only to slip on the hardwood floors and fall on your ass.

- he wanted (needed) absolutely everything in your house to be symmetrical, and that was expected, so you left most - if not all - of the decorating to him.

- a lot of compromises,, which eventually turned to kid slowly changing everything into how he liked it

- and you didnt complain, because seeing the soft blush on his face, and a small content smile as he stared at your first house together, that was enough.

- the first week you'd moved in, kid got sick, and you'd spent the entire week locked away in your house, taking care of your boyfriend.

- and the little shit wasn't making it any easier.

- you'd make him soup and he'd refuse to eat it unless you fed it to him

- 'babe! no! i'll get sick!!' you'd whine

- '(y/n), do i look like i care? now c'mere!' he'd state, the temper tantrum breaking through his usually cool and calm tone, as he made grabby hands from the bed, his nose red and his face pouty.

- and even if death the kid was sick, didn't mean he was quiet during your movie marathons - that week settling for twilight as you were sprawled out on the couch, trying your best to avoid the warm embrace of your (sick) boyfriend.

- 'oh my god, did he SERIOUSLY name their kid RENESMEE??'

- 'kid i- bAHAHAHHA'

- his antics were one of the many reasons you fell in love with him, and you genuinely did your best to take care of the reaper boy.

- sometimes when you'd be making some soup or dinner for him, he'd sneak up behind you, before locking his hands around your waist and laying his head on your shoulder, mumbling sweet nothings as he thanked you for taking care of him.

- in the mornings you'd get up to get ready and he'd grab onto your waist and pull you back into bed with him, as you struggled to escape his grasp.

- 'kid, you may be sick but i still have school...'

- '(y/n), in case you forgot, my dad is literally lord death. you can miss a week. and a day. eight days. perfect.'

- you wouldn't even argue with him about it either, because he was just that convincing.

- once y'all had settled in, he made it a mission to cuddle and watch movies every single night.

- 'kid i have homework-'

- '...that doesn't change anything.'

- cuddling with kid is great because he insists that both of you have equal amount of blanket and pillows; for the symmetry, of course.

- he's the type to let you lay on his chest, and he'd play with your hair while you watched so-bad-it's-good romcoms; sprawled out on the couch as he fed himself (and occasionally you) some skittles or popcorn, your eyes too fixated on the tv to notice his fleeting glances at your form.

- sometimes you'd watch a horror movie, just to have the boy jump into your arms during the scary bits.

- 'you can't blame me, (y/n)! pennywise jumped out of NOWHERE! how do you expect me to notice-’

- you two have found yourselves falling asleep on your living room couch one too many times ngl, and you aren't complaining bc falling asleep with kid is when you sleep the best!!

- sometimes you'd forget to fold the toilet paper in a triangle

- you never hear the end of that one

- but you genuinely try your best, and kid sees that, and his heart swells seeing you adjust a painting to be perfecting in line, or see you buy two towels instead of one, so they'd be perfectly symmetrical.

- ngl you've tried dying kid's hair a few times

- '(y/n) i'm literally a shinigami dont you think i've tried already-'

- 'babe, it's a bONDING EXPERIENCE.'

- 'i think we can bond in other ways dont you think-'

- 'no.'

- your parents knew you'd moved houses, and it took you a lil while to tell them it was because you and kid moved in together.

- but he'd met your parents before, and they loved him.

- you were on a call with your parents - facetime to be exact, walking around as you showed them your new house, a collection of 'oohs' and 'ahhs' erupting from your mobile phone.

- that was until kid accidentally (totally not accidentally) entered the room.

- '(y/n)!! what are you cooking for dinner tonight?? also please help me unpack these boxes it's been weeks! oh-OH!'

- and your parents were literally shook

- '(y/n)... is this the roommate you were talking about...'

- you were very scared at first because you thought they'd be mad,

- but no, they literally booked a flight to death city right then and there. like literally on facetime your dad just booked a ticket

- 'mom- dad- no i-'

- yeah,,, needless to say, they're like your number one stans.

- dates are always perfectly planned

- so dinner dates and nights out are not very common.

- kid has to plan everything perfectly; he just loves you so much and would hate for you to experience anything less than perfection, and yet somehow SOMETHING goes wrong.

- like a dog will run past and splash water on your dress

- or he'll get salmonella in the middle of the date from last night's chicken (that HE COOKED LORDD)

- and you'll have to reassure him it's fine and you had a great time, as the boy nearly breaks down in the expensive restaurant he had to pull strings to get into.

- and you wouldn't have it any other way.

- the gang has come uninvited one too many times

- once you two were making out, his hands running through your hair as you shared fleeting kisses in your bedroom, until you heard the (very) familiar

- 'hELLOOO! IT'S ME, BLACK STAR! LITERALLY THE GREATEST AND BIGGEST STAR EVER I-'

- and you emerged from your shared bedroom like-

- 'PLEASE... what do you want'

- and he didn't answer your question, obv

- and your hair was all messy and some not well hidden hickies were on your neck like

- chile erm... what the hell we gon' do now...

- 'yeah sorry guys i was doing something-'

- 'is *he* something?????' soul asked, snickering whilst pointing to a certain monochromed hair boy behind you.

- who was frantically trying to fix his hair.

- you've also kicked them out one too many times.

- grocery shopping dates are always fun and unpredictable, for kid would have a whole list of what to buy and what quantity, and you'd just be running around like a little kid - eyes glistening at the wide array of candy that stocked the shelves

- '(y/n)- no, you can't ride in the cart i- goddammit.'

- mornings are a whole other story though.

- soft kisses shared as you're entangled in his embrace, the sun seeping through your blinds as you play with soft strands of black and white hair, staring at the sleeping boy infront of you.

- moments like those, where you feel as though nothing in the world matters, they're when you truly realise how whipped  you are for kid, especially when he opens his eyes to mumble a soft

- 'good morning, (y/n).'

- before placing a fluttering kiss on your forehead, as he pulled you in closer.

- once you'd come home, exhausted and on the verge of tears.

- you'd gone out on a mission and your partner had gotten incredibly injured - you genuinely weren't sure if they were going to make it, despite the constant reassurance from stein.

- and kid noticed that, his eyes following your hunched over form as you walked into the bedroom exhausted, tears threatening to spill out any second.

- so he dragged you out of the house for a drive

- which was meant to be for maybe an hour,, so you could get your mind off of things

- but you ended up wandering into the city and just driving

- eventually it was six am

- and you just got home, and immediately fell asleep on the couch

- all in all, moving in with death the kid was one of the best decisions of your life.

- mwah i hope u enjoyed xoxo

[larrythefloridaman]

Y'all like your deities with or without the shell?

Under the readmore is aaaaaaaaall color god observations and musings based on them, because I am studying to become the world's Premiere Chromatheologian and RGB Understander so under the cut is pretty much Oops! All Spoilers! up to the most recent episode of season 3.

Apparently Universal Color God Attributes:

Damage to their domain hurts them, but fixing the issue, or lashing out by using their powers destructively, can help them to repair the damage.

If they sustain enough damage, it can temporarily paralyze them and send them into a strengthened but 'exposed' state (chartreuse's spirit activation in the last fight of 19) and further damage after that will activate a failsafe, which is unique by domain but seemingly designed to give them the chance to balance things, but can get… very out of hand or backfire depending on circumstances. (see: cobalt’s failsafe sending mark's universe into a never-ending apocalyptic war because word of the cure for death became too widespread for the killing urge failsafe to affectively balance anything because every side could simply revive their fallen.)

Chartreuse's failsafe is something of a stopped time bubble quarantine where processes that require the passing of time cannot complete, allowing her the time to wear down the offending party to beat them to death or plan around finishing them.

Cobalt's is inciting war, the casualties serving to balance the scale. I'm not sure we know Crimson's yet- he's never taken enough direct damage without doing damage to compensate in order to trigger it, although i dont remember season one well enough to recall if any of the universe stuff in it tracks with the pattern bc season one is a bit fucky

Connected in a fashion that allows them to simply Sense the overall status of the others to some extent, although they don't know Why theyre in the state theyre in without asking (chartreuse [and by extension, folk, presumably on her information] confronting crimson via crimsonaut for pretending to be dead, Cobalt confronting both his siblings about how they are handling their duties improperly but not knowing about Folk. He knew about the constants deaths because hes a death god, duh, but he didnt use their names like crimson did, possibly implying they're erased upon death so thoroughly that only crimson and the constants can really recall a shattered constants' existence, not even the other guardians.)

Abilities of the guardians can be replicated by mortals through three apparent methods- through machines (dimensional bus, the time machine, presumably J0hn's part in Sephiroth's resurrection,) simply through advanced enough individual skill (Home MD curing death, potentially Dantoinette's universe portal travel, maybe Genwun's sped up time bubble that evolved them into Genfour? although that could very well have just been an illusion and theyre just like, a fuckin theater kid that was doing pretend character development for the Bit or something given GenFive turned out to be a zoroark) or through stealing some of the power of the relevant god (Dr. Order stealing Chartreuse's power, Dani maybe having stolen some of Crimson's when she beat his ass. Dani's one woman universal travel is like, wicked ambiguous)

Cobalt:

Can seemingly perceive or act through any living material. (The Tree. Cobalt instructed Larry to slap his hand on that tree, that shit glowed and he had a new deal tattoo without Cobalt ever having been physically present)

Can influence the resurrected by giving them a killing urge. Represented by an aberrant brainwave and a ringing in the undead's heads. This doesnt appear to be direct control- as the Grunk could clearly restrain himself from killing people that genuinely didn't deserve it (like nightly and cha cha, who WERE grunk event targets but not fatally so. Nagito was a crimson thing so it really doesn't count here. God poor grunk his life really is just a constant plaything in the hands of the gods huh) and Sephiroth very much had personal motivation to want to kill Folk. failsafe activates this ability on the scale of war.

Deals. The extent of what Cobalt can do with these is unclear but Iggy's god powers were taken from him as his part in the deal so what he can take isn't limited to physical things or things obviously related to his domain.

Weaknesses:

Deals. While this ability is impressive his preference for making deals for those that offend against his domain is potentially very exploitable- Larry's knowledge of the cure for death is, if word of it were to ever get out beyond Larry, wildly dangerous for this dimension, so technically the safest thing for the iron-fisted cobalt to do would be to nip the problem in the bud and get rid of him. But, fascinatingly, that wasn't even put on the table, the first thing Cobalt does is threaten J0hn, prompting Larry to make a deal. While Cobalt enforces death, he also doesn't like unnecessary death, and Larry demonstrably knows how to keep a secret for the good of the world even at great cost to himself and Cobalt is aware of this- easily clarifying to Larry the aberrant thing endangering the universe wasn't his timeloop business. So while he's clearly not letting his resurrection fuckery go unpunished, he's being pretty merciful when he doesn't have to be and from a strictly, brutally pragmatic perspective probably shouldn't be.

His control over the undead manifests as a ringing and an aberrant brainwave trackable by J0hn's equipment, and could probably therefore be accounted for and circumvented? J0hn has, wisely, largely sworn off fucking with people's brains after the sephiroth fiasco went So Wrong, So Very Wrong, Oh God Oh Fuck Someone Cool Almost Died, but if he hadn't, and if J0hn let his dislike for authority and keeping Larry safe outweigh reason like he let safety, spite and comedic value outweigh good ethical sense when reprogramming sephiroth, in theory Mr. 'hacked a time machine for breakfast?' could. y'know. probably do it. what is a god's authority to an anarchist, what better to challenge life and death than the cold and eternal machine, you get the point its a fun scenario

Olive Garden Breadsticks and Small Cute Dogs, apparently

Chartreuse's:

Time Clones: taps into parallel timelines to retrieve alternate versions of herself to utilize.

Time Travel: what it says on the tin. Travel to the past creates painful splits in the prime timeline, but through careful action and traveling back into the past, these can be weaved into a time loop. A split from the timeline is a wound, and a successful timeloop is the surgical scar it can become with attentive care, to use a medical metaphor. Carefully closed and healing. Keeping Folk here is essentially akin to chartreuse pulling out her stitches on the initial incision.

Time Stopping: creates a space wherein things that take time to complete cannot complete, where things can move, but everything within is in a perfect unchanging stasis until the bubble drops. This is the form her failsafe takes.

Timeline Creation: can create timelines from scratch.

Can fuse alternate timeline versions of the same individual to allow them to coexist. (Ryan's confirmed in the discord that Dantoinette experienced both failures in 20, because Chartreuse fused the two instances of her to save the post-raid instance from fading. Could... theoretically do this to Folk and save herself the pain, but while Folk and Therapuppy are the same person, there's seven years and untold amounts of difference deriving from the time and circumstance between them and the inherent cognitive dissonances that would result from attempting that would be wicked fucked up to inflict, and that's assuming there isn't some reason that it wouldn't be possible anyway. while the two Danis had like. A day or so's difference between them, so she could be safely fused with the only dissonant thing being that she remembers both being too slow to prevent order's time escape and beginning to dissipate post-raid, AND losing that fight to her pre-raid. RIP Dani, that perfectionism must be kicking her ass)

Weaknesses:

Unwilling to use her powers destructively in her pursuit of domain repair and thereby much easier to damage to the point of paralyzing her, making her particularly vulnerable to Power Theft

Morally Optimistic. At one point in 19, she briefly justifies Crimson's shitty evil actions to herself after experiencing for herself how Wack the kerfuffleverse is firsthand, ("and all he did was kill a couple people!" Chartreuse. Honey.) and when she fights Crimsonaut she seems to actually believe for a second that he's actually worried about her when Crimson asks if she's okay after he beats her. Additionally, as D+, she concerns herself with trying to understand doctor order's motive, and after Larry defeats Order, he makes a point of confirming she feels no remorse before making his request for what Chartreuse does with her, and appeals to the idea of letting Order fulfill her desire to be a god in a way which isn't a problem for anyone and Chartreuse is more than happy to oblige under these conditions after what Larry's done for everybody. Then immediately threatens to evaporate him for playfully teasing her about having a crush on folk. Fucked up a little bit

Crimson's:

Universe Shifting: Travel between universes.

Universe Correction: appears to replace an aberrant individual with the 'correct' version of themselves for that universe, presumably sending them back to their own. (Mario from super mario was universe corrected, but still seemingly exists in wario form as evidenced by smashup kerfuffle, and was simply temporarily replaced with his corrected universe counterpart. But like. The dimensional bus system is still active crimbo doing the Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me routine aint gonna work if they can come back with a shrug and bus fare. you're fighting the symptoms without treating the problem)

Universal Constants:

Three individuals per universe that serve as the pillars which stabilize said universe, created by absorbing red orbs Crimson creates. Becoming a constant grants power, but also makes the constant fragile, and death wipes them from the face of the multiverse, only crimson, those he's possessed and the other constants seemingly able to recall they ever existed, although some physical evidence is still left behind (Larry's record of Nagito's death, which is just as redacted as everything else relating to him but still is very much something Larry has. Kind of a Voidfish adventurezone type beat ironically enough? Taako really has seen all this shit before no wonder he peaced tf out)

To counterbalance the weaknesses the constants have, they have a sort of spidey-sense to alert them to danger, and an intrinsic bonded connection to their fellow constants, and additionally, Crimson apparently doesn't suffer any pain from the death of constants or the structural instability of a universe.

Possession: what it says on the tin! Seemingly can only be done with permission to living things- none of crimson's direct hosts seem to have entered that agreement unwillingly, Valentine lost a bet, Hamburger and Crimsonaut have been by all evidence intentional allies to Crimson- but electronics are fair game, as seen with The Guy's suit. Kinda curious how that rule applies to bitches that are half and half, like J0hn or the clonebot gang, as its unclear whether The Guy's suit was yoinkable without permission because it was mechanical or because its not sentient. could go either way but if it's the former that's potentially very frightening

Fusion: Two individuals from alternate universes can be fused into one shared body which can take on aspects of either depending on which is currently in control. (possibly allows someone who traveled into a given universe to become a fixed resident there without it being an issue for Crimson, whose job is to prevent interdimensional travel?) Monday Mark and possibly T.O.M. are our main examples.

Corruption:

Unpleasant As Hell and can even kill you instead of changing you if you cant handle it.

turns the corrupted individual into a twisted exaggeration of themself, allows them supernatural control over their shape, and makes them very difficult- if not impossible by traditional means- to kill, based on Garfield.

Subjects them to control by Crimson, but can be exorcised of this influence just like crimson's direct hosts can, although the supernatural changes to their physiology are seemingly permanent, judging from Shantae.

Notable Weaknesses:

Exorcism can be performed to free a possessed or corrupted individual of Crimson's influence. Its unclear how exorcism works/is learned in CPUK, but confirmed exorcists: dantoinette and yung papaya's snake dad, confirmed non-exorcists: folk

The universal constant orbs are physical objects so they are Very Stealable and they grant a power boost so theres literally an Incentive to beat his ass for anybody who wants to be strong and either doesnt know or doesn't care about the whole 'getting erased when you die' part

Crimson has lots of tools to create pawns, but all of them have drawbacks. Corruption could kill a potential pawn, possession generally seems to require permission, and he has no control over the constants' choices and actions

Manipulative bitch's highest stat is charisma and it shows. This motherfucker is selling snake oil. If he was mortal rather than a Whole Entire God he'd make an excellent ineffectual saturday morning cartoon supervillain and i think everyone, including him, would be happier for it, ngl

Something interesting ive realized that likely wasnt fully intentional, is that a lot of Dr. Order's creations, considering her motive, can kind of be sorted by a color god it appears to be a crude attempt at mimicking the abilities of. My Grunk is a poorly executed resurrection, the clonebot gang vs chartreuse's timeclones (this one deserves special mention because Chartreuse used this shitty attempted mimicry to her advantage with D+, very smart and ironic play, excellent job Treusy,) spirits are somewhat similar to universal constant orbs (orbs which can be absorbed to grant power, but which have physical repercussions- key differences being that spirits require activation and grow stronger while attuning to a user without being used, and having far less severe drawbacks, taking a heavy toll on the body, but only once they've worn off and without the risk of wiping yourself from the face of existence,) and she also augmented Perfect Spriteman and Larry, which kind of track as crude imitations of Crimson's corruption!

Garfield was an acerbic cat who loved food and hated mondays, now its an actively malicious ever-hungry amorphous entity whose only weakness is monday and whose only consistency in form is 'cat-like.'

Shantae was (to my extremely limited understanding of shantae,) a friendly heroic type who had to introduce herself often, and she became something akin to a biblically accurate angel that can *only* introduce herself.

The Grunks a tough but sweet and supportive single dad with stage presence and a tendency to fly off the handle when he or his family are slighted, and now he gets so hype in the audience when his son does well that he bursts into flames and ascends and we get random grunk events along with the associated murder charges when he gets mad and the target sucks enough that he doesn't hold himself back from killing them.

Perfect Spriteman and Larry fit the trend of exaggeration of already present traits- Spriteman fucking loves sprite and became something that only thinks about sprite, and Larry the Florida Man, characterized from minute one by unpredictability and who spent his first matches in the series pre-shapeshifter transformation staying alive keeping stocks for Shockingly Long even despite getting seventh, became literally physically random as well as developing the ability to regenerate, albeit with the ability to feel pain normally very much intact, unlike Garfield just... Soaking up damage like its nothing in his pursuit of Jon. The fact that Arbuckle legit defeated Garfield, even temporarily, is terrifyingly impressive honestly that dude is fucking built different for being so chronically bland

i dont think they're actually corrupted in any meaningful way we have to worry about, to be fully clear, Spriteman was cured with fucking antacids, i simply think they could be a fucked up attempt at making something that kind of seems like it from a functional standpoint, from the wannabe god doctor that brought us green clones whose only fundamental association with time was accelerated aging and who thought an actively rotting corpse thats just reanimated enough that it can throw hands was as good as curing death

[uhhhhsmut]

roommates with bakugo (pt.3)

1 week later

living with katsuki had not been the best. his constant yelling and wanting everything perfect made you just wanna leave.

he’d yell at you about the littlest stuff and at practice he didn’t make it any better. everytime you and him were training he’d just try to box you.

you were at the gym right now, getting ready for practice. it was raining outside. like pouring. once you were done you went onto practice to train. you had a match today and you knew you had to win or you’d hear katsukis mouth.

you found out that he was the top boxer of the group and figured out why he had gained hatred towards you. to him, you were a threat and competition. you didn’t see why he was this mad but you were not about to let him just walk all over you. you’ll have to humble him. his ego is too big.

you made it out of the gym and headed to your match.

...

you were now in the locker room and you were warming up. kirishima was helping you out and you could feel katsukis eyes on you. katsuki had told you to call him bakugo but you refused and he yelled everytime you called him katsuki.

kirishima hung around katsuki a lot. they were somewhat best friends. kirishima started to talk to you, “Don’t worry about bakugo he’s really uhhh...competitive. i promise he’s not always like that it’s just you’re uhh very different from what he’s used to and his anger gets out of control at time.” he told you and you looked over at bakugo, he averted his attention somewhere else.

“by different you mean i talk back to him when he’s wrong right?...look i’m trying my hardest not to hate him but that’ll only last so long.” you said putting on your boxing gloves. kirishima nodded his head understanding what you had said. you didn’t care, katsuki was very hostile towards everyone and you weren’t letting it slide. you felt that he needed to learn how to control himself or you and him would be arguing for the longest.

before going onto the ring katsuki walked up to you. he fixed your helmet and made sure your gloves fit. he acted as if he didn’t want to do it, you thought maybe coach aizawa made him do so. you had no problem with him watching over you as long as he didn’t open his mouth.

“good luck idiot. don’t lose.” he said avoiding eye contact with you and you rolled your eyes smiling. “thank you. you don’t have to be nice to me if you don’t want dummy. i’ll deal with you and your attitude either way.”

...

anddddd you won. your cheek was bleeding a little but that was it. your body felt so heavy now. you smiled at the audience as cheering and screaming came from the crowd. this was your favorite part. hearing the crowds screams. coach aizawa smiled patting you on your head.

you headed back into the locker room with the coach to be flooded with congratulations and good jobs. your smile was big and you were really happy. kirishima lifted you onto his shoulders, taking you by surprise. you placed your hands into his hair. “DONT DROP ME.” you exclaimed and laughter escaped his lips. “I won’t. i promise.” you laughed and told everyone thank you. from the corner of your eye you could see katsuki looking at you. kirishima put you down and instantly squeezed you.

you had become close with kirishima but it was on the friendly bases. his arms wrapped around you tightly and you smiled.

“i’m proud of you.” he said ruffling your hair with his hand. “thank you. i really appreciate it.” you said wrapping your arms around his neck. you pulled away and started to get ready to leave. the locker room started to empty out as more people started to leave and soon enough you were the last one left.

you felt someone hit the back of your head, “good job dummy.” you heard katsukis voice say as he walked in front of you to leave out.

“i told you not to touch me.” you yelled and he was already out of the door. you let put a frustrated sigh gathering your things.

...

you made it home after stopping to get some ice cream. you were exhausted and knowing you’d have to come home to katsuki was even worse. you headed up the elevator. the common area was filled with people watching the basketball game that came on tonight. you noticed mina.

“heyyy y/n. congratulations on your win. wanna join us?” she asked and you smiled apologetically as you shook your head no. “boxing always drains my energy. thanks for the congratulations and the offer though.” you told her and she nodded her head understanding and went back to watching the game. you opened the door to your apartment, witnessing katsuki on the couch with reading glasses on. he had on a black tank top with a pop sickle in his mouth, typing away at his mac book.

he didn’t bother with looking at you, you walked past him. “no shoes in the house.” he said and you sighed. “stop talking to me.” you told him closing the door to your room. you took off your shoes then started to run some bath water. you took off your shirt and pants and realized the heat was on. you groaned and thought about what you’d say to katsuki when you got out the bath. the rain outside had you relaxed but the heat inside had you angry.

you went into the bathroom and stepped in the water and you were instantly relaxed. your body was aching and you had to bandage up your cheek when you got out. your mind wandered off to anything. you thought about how your parents hated boxing because it was a “dangerous sport”. but without it your anger was hard to tame and the pills the doctors gave you didn’t help. your parents loved the money boxing brought in but now that they’re not receiving the money, their opinions on you doing it got worse.

you sighed letting your hair down. now you had to live with someone who acted exactly like you. you didn’t realize that katsuki is the version of you without boxing. he’s how you would’ve turned out if you didn’t box.

you wondered what his problem was though. he boxed but for some reason he still acted out of control. you noticed something crawling on the wall and realized it was a spider. you jumped out of the bath, wrapping a towel around your body and went into the living room to get bakugo.

“THERES A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM. ITS ON THE WALL. HURRY UP AND KILL IT.” you told him and he looked at you angrily.

“you’ve got water on the fucking carpet-

you grabbed his arm, pulling him off the couch and forcing him into the bathroom. “you see that? kill it. now. before i slap you.” you told him seriously. he grunted taking off his shoe, smashing it. he looked back at you.

“you could’ve did it yourself.” he told you and you rolled your eyes as he walked out. “CLEAN UP THAT WATER OFF THE FLOOR TOO.” he yelled from the living room. great. you got back in the bath but it didn’t feel the same so you just washed up and got out. you went into your room after cleaning up and turned on some music, you rubbed baby oil all over your body and put on a tank top the showed your under boob a little but you didn’t care cause you didn’t plan on going out of your room.

you grabbed a pair of grey biker shorts and put them on. you looked at yourself in your mirror and dabbed a alcohol wipe on your cut then put two of those white butterfly bandaids that closed your cut. to you they had worked better than the band aids that covered up the cut fully. you rubbed cocoa butter on your skin and put some chapstick on your lips. you left your hair in it’s curly state. the rain started to pour harder and you put on a pair of white nike socks.

you seen a notification pop up on your phone.

mina> denki thinks that bakugo likes you. please tell me you don’t like that arrogant idiot.

you smiled shaking your head.

you> i don’t like him mina. he’s not right for me. ask denki what made him think that.

mina> he says he’s started started to notice the sexual tension between you too. he says bakugos always staring at you and stuff. i kinda think he’s right y\n. you’re the only one he hates as much as he does.

your cheeks heated up as you read the text. sexual tension?

you> he only hates me because i know how to handle him and plus i’m competition to him.

mina> that just proves my point even more. you’re the only one who knows how to handle him and he knows that. that’s why he hates you so much. before you came...he was way worse. he was fighting everyday. you’ve calmed him down a lot. we all can see it- denki

you sighed.

you> why are you telling me this?

mina> because you 2 have potential and you should tell each other how you feel because not doing so could make things worse sooner or later. he likes you a lot. i promise. he’s just not very good at expressing it. anger is the only emotion he knows and now that you’re here you’ve changed that a lot- denki.

you heard your door open realizing it was katsuki you turned off your phone and looked at him.

“your food is ready. come on.” he said before walking out. what denki said still lingered on your mind. you got down from your little chair and walked out of your room following katsuki to the kitchen.

you watched him as he transferred the ramen in the pot into the bowl. you sat down at the counter. you took in katsukis features. his red eyes were very intimidating, almost daring. his jawline was perfect and his body matched his personality. his muscles were always showing and his hands were very large and very lewd thoughts crossed your mind. you could feel yourself start to get moist. you shamed yourself for it. you were letting what denki said get to your head.

“stop staring and eat.” you heard him say, snapping you out of your thoughts and you stayed quiet. thinking about him like that was idiotic. you hated him more than anything, at least that’s what you tried to convince yourself.

you started to eat the ramen he had made for you and it was very good. you watched him use his chopsticks to eat and you wanted to know how to use them.

he looked over at you, “Why aren’t you eating?” you placed your hands in your lap embarrassed, “i don’t know how to use chopsticks. i’m not originally from japan like the rest of you.” he started laughing, “you don’t know how to use chopsticks?” you looked at him angrily.

“obviously. didn’t i just state that?” you asked and he sighed, “is your mouth always this smart?” he asked and you rolled your eyes. you weren’t even being smart. he got out of his chair and came behind you, placing his hand at your waist and he placed his right hand on top of yours. this contact made your heart race, “I-I told you not to touch me again dummy.”

“do you want to learn how to use chopsticks or not?” he asked and you stayed silent. “that’s what i thought. now do as i say.” he demanded. he showed you how to use the chopsticks. it was surprisingly easy and you realized how impatient katsuki was. everytime you’d get it wrong, his grip on your waist tightened and his voice got louder.

you were now finished eating and was cleaning up in the kitchen. katsuki was back on the couch doing whatever he was doing on his computer. once you were done cleaning you decided to make you some some sweet tea.

you heard katsuki come into the kitchen. “what are you doing?” he asked.

“making sweet tea.” you said softly getting out the lemons.

“when you’re done pour me a cup. i turned off the heat but that’s it. i’m not turning on the air. that’s too cold.” he said and you turned around to see him sitting at the island top counter. why was he being so nice?

“why are you being nice?” you asked, he turned his head. “i’m not being nice. the team told me to “ease up on you”. i’m not doing this because i like you or any bull shit like that.” he stated and you nodded your head going back to making the tea. he just had to let it be known.

once you were finished with the tea. you grabbed two wood cups and your tank top slightly lifted up as you did. you poured the tea inside the cups and walked over to him handing him his cup. you watched him drink it.

“it’s good now stop looking at me like that.” he said and you smiled drinking your tea. it was good. your mother had taught you how to make it when you were a child.

you stood at the far end of the counter drinking your tea. you were leaned over with your shoulders on the counter, scrolling through twitter as you did.

you hadn’t realized how silent the apartment was. nothing but the sound of rain hitting the windows filled your ears. you laughed softly at a meme you saw. katsuki looked over at you as he placed his cup in his sink.

you went over to place yours in the sink too. you rinsed his and your cup out, putting it back in the cabinet, your shirt slightly raised again.

“are you doing that on purpose?” you heard him ask. “may i ask what you’re talking about?” you said focusing on the new text you got from kirishima. you felt katsukis presence behind you. he closed the cabinet and took your phone.

this made your blood boil, you turned around and once you realized how close you were you froze up. “why are you texting kirishima?“ he asked and you rolled your eyes.

“why are you worried about who i’m texting?” you asked and he looked down at you. you tried grabbing your phone but he raised hit above his head.

“do you and kirishima have something going on?” he asked and you sighed trying to figure out what he was getting at.

“why? are you jealous?” you asked jokingly but katsuki seemed to take this serious, his jaw clenched and he dropped your phone on the floor. your eyes went wide and you looked at him as if he was crazy. you were about to slap him but he grabbed your wrist and wrapped his other hand around your neck. his lips met yours and that once anger you had for him disappeared.

his lips were soft and he was a very good kisser, the hand that held your wrist was now at your waist, he kissed you eagerly as if he had been wanting to do this for the longest.

he placed kisses along your jawline, “you tease me with the shit you wear and expect me not to react.” you decided to give him the silence treatment. he growled in your ear, his lips touched your neck and your lips parted surprised at how good this felt. you placed your hand at the back of his head, rubbing your fingers through his head.

you could feel yourself getting moist by the second, “damn right, i’m jealous. look at you” he told you sucking the skin on your neck. you let out a soft moan and you could feel katsuki smile against you skin. he dragged his kisses along your collarbone. his hand went up your tank top, squeezing your breast. up until now you hated how big your breast was. his hands was large enough to cover them, that’s all that mattered to you now.

“you enjoy this, don’t you?” he asked lifting you up, cuffing your butt. your arms wrapped around his neck. he took you in his room and placed you on his bed. you watched him take off his shirt, waiting for whatever he was gonna give you. the window view in his room showed his whole room. the rain hitting the window, the sounds of the rain made things so

much better and the view was beautiful.

bakugo grabbed your chin bringing your face towards his. he kissed you passionately biting your bottom lip before his hand raised your shirt. you knew this defied everything you once stated about him but you needed this and the wait for him was too prolonged. you knew deep down that this is what you wanted from you. during arguments him doing this crossed your mind so many times.

he took your breast in his mouth, lightly sucking on them. you placed your hand in the back of his head, moaning at how good his tongue felt on your nipple. he twirled his tongue around your nipple, sucking it before pulling it with his mouth making it bounce back. he did the same to your other one.

he started to place kisses down your stomach. he pulled your shorts off. you didn’t have on any panties and he smiled cockily, “did you know that i wanted a taste?” he asked and you rolled your eyes with your cheeks tinted a bright pink. “no. idiot.” you said and he laughed quietly pulling you towards his mouth. somehow he still annoyed you during moments like this.

he used his thumb to run your clit, dragging his finger between your folds. teasing you as he kissed in between your thighs. he was teasing you.

“k-katsuki.” you moaned lightly. “i need you to tell me what you want me to do and i’ll do it.” he said and you swallowed hard. “i-i want you to lick it.” you whispered and he looked up at you, “lick what? you’ve gotta be specific” he asked and you told him clearer this time, “fuck katsuki. i want you to eat my pussy.” you told him and he smiled. “that’s all you had to say.”

he licked his lips before before he moved his tongue in between your folds. you moaned, throwing your head back. he wrapped his arms around your thighs. once he got to the top, he licked your clit. he gave small licks before deliberately sucking your pussy, pulling your folds with his mouth then going back to licking between them. then he began to twirl his tongue around your clit, making eye contact with you before he started to suck it.

your back arched and you moaned louder at how good his tongue felt. he stuck his tongue inside you and your moans slowly turned into whimpers. your hand went back to his hair as you watched him eat your pussy whimpering. you could feel yourself reaching your climax and you couldn’t take it any longer.

“katsuki. i’m about to c-cum-

his fingers dug into your skin making sure you weren’t going anywhere and he started to eat you as if you were his last meal. his tongue moved sloppily against your pussy and your legs started to shake and you slightly felt that you had to pee, but you moaned loudly and a clear liquid came from inside you as you came.

you looked down in shock. bakugo licked up all of the access juices from your pussy. a string of your juices came from his chin as he lifted his head. he licked his lips, wiping the corners of his mouth, sucking his thumb. he looked at you and smiled, “is this your first time squirting?” he asked and you nodded your head. he kissed you on your forehead and you looked at his pants to see him on hard. he noticed and he put back on his shirt.

“don’t worry about it. this is my way of congratulating you on your win and plus. this was for me, not you. i wanted a taste.”

[too-much-sunshine]

Fangs for the Hospitality

Chapter 7

Fic Summary: After Roman leaves his family reunion mad at Remus, his car breaks down. The huge snow storm forces him into the forest hes always been told to stay away from. Who will he meet? And why are they being so nice? Most importantly, why are his teeth so sharp?

A/N: I’m so very sorry this chapter took so long to come out…Life happens my guys gals and nonbinary pals.... Ill try and be better!

Relationship: Familial DAM, Eventual Roceit, Eventual Intrulogical

Warnings (per chapter): Roman has social anxiety, he is awkward, food (Let me know if anything else!)

Catch up!:  Master list, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6

Word Count: 2546

Read on AO3!

Patton and Virgil finished their food first; Patton grabbing both their plates from the table and bringing them into the kitchen. Little Virgil hurried off his chair to follow after him.

Roman watched the two go with a small smile. He remembers how he and his brother used to be that close. 

Flinching slightly remembering the newest memory he has of his brother, he looked down and away from the boys. He ended up staring at his plate which he had only half eaten. He was starting not to feel as hungry anymore.

“Eat up dear, we have a big day in front of us." Janus chimed in.

Roman jumped slightly and looked up to the man who spoke. Janus picked up his wine glass and took a drink. Roman just now realized that Janus never had a plate of food to begin with.

"Aren't you going to eat something too?" He enquired.

"Oh no I've already eaten. Before I fixed you guys' breakfast to make sure it all went smoothly." Janus smiled, taking another sip.

"Oh...alright.." Roman looked back down frowning at his food. He felt dumb for asking, even though it wasnt an ovious answer. His stomach was turning a bit pushing the food around. He didn't want to seem wasteful or ungrateful, but he knew that his anxiety wouldn't let him finish what he had. Luckily the decision on what to do was made for him.

An arm came around Roman and picked up his plate for him. Startled, Roman looked behind himself to see Janus standing there holding Romans plate. He was so quiet Roman didn't even realise he had gotten up.

"It's okay if you don't want the rest, sweetheart. You seem to have been through a lot."

Blushing slightly Roman just nodded his head, avoiding eye contact.

"Yeah sorry...I'm just not..okay right now." He responded weakly.

"Let's clean up a bit and I'll send the kids to play. Then we can talk a bit." Janus said over his shoulder while walking Roman's plate to the kitchen.

Roman didn't respond since it didn't sound like a question. He just crossed his arms and laid his head on the table. 'This is going to be tough…' he thought as Janus came back into the room with Virgil on hip. 

~~~

Remus woke up with a startle, which was quite usual. He didn't ever really sleep that well. Constant nightmares and his lanky figure made it impossible to ever get comfortable anyway.

It also didn't help that Remy just poured a glass of cold water on his head.

"What the fuck!?" Remus shouted jumping up from the couch he was on, shivering as water dripped down his spine. Wait, couch? 

"Bitch. Wake up." He said monotone. "You were like. Twitching and shit. Not a good look."

"Yeah, thanks. I'm sure there was no better way to wake me up.” Remus pulled his shirt over his head and squeezed out as much water as he could. There wasn't much there, but it was a statement. Remy looked at Remus with disgust as he put his shirt back on. 

“Remind me where am I again? What time is it? It's not the first time I've woken up in a random apartment but it's been a while. Much less with my cousin...wrong state for that I believe..." He rambled, pushing his wet hair out of his face. He looked around for his phone while Remy went around the back on the couch to the kitchen area.

"First of all, disgusting. Never say that to me again. And second, Its around 6am. Which is usually too god damn early for anyone. But, you're lucky I like you and Roman." He said, grabbing a mug from the dark wood cabinet. "Oh also you are in my apartment so dont fuck shit up please."

Remus lifted his head from looking under the couch. He tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy, blinking around the room. He stood up and walked around a the table to the center of the room to see pretty much everything there is. 

"Your apartment? I thought you lived in like...a mansion with your parents." 

The place was actually quite small. A connected half kitchen and living room. Small tv on a small stand behind a coffee table in front of the light brown couch. There seemed to be two rooms off to the side, but the doors were closed. There was one window in the kitchen, and that was it. A few movie posters were on the wall and nick knacks but otherwise the place looked...normal. it wasn't very fancy, which is the opposite of what Remus expected.

"This is my secret apartment. The one where I go when I don't want to worry about being me. Don't tell anyone, you're lucky I let you be here!" Remy snapped.

Remus continued to look around but said nothing more, feeling that he had crossed a line somewhere.

Remy let out a long sigh and stopped making his drink. With his back turned to Remus he spoke again.

"Look.. I'm sorry. It's been a long night and now it's going to be a long day. I'm tired. Your phone is under the couch by the way."

"What? I looked there,” He said as he dropped back to his knees to check again, “ and It's fine. Just. Why are we worried ag-" and like a flip was switched, all the memories of last night flooded Remus' brain and he snapped up with his phone in hand. "ROMAN! have you found him? Where could he be!?" Remus raced into the kitchen, running into Remy. 

"Did you call anyone!? God he must be so mad! I'm the worst!" Remus continued pacing the room.

"Calm down! Of course I've called everywhere! But havent had any luck! It's only 6am so I couldn't call his work but I will when I can. I thought before then we could drive the way he went. See if he went home at all. The front desk at his apartment said they didn't see him come in last night but they could have missed him. It'll be a drive to get back to the countryside but we can make it. Here babe." He handed Remus a canister. "Its coffee. In the god awful way you like it."

"OoOooO thanks!" Remus said, taking a swig of the chocolaty, sweet coffee. "So. Are we gonna start with his apartment first?" 

"I think it's closer to here and the most likely place he is, yeah let's start there. But listen babes. He might be real mad still so don't push him alright?"

"I'm really worried, Remy. And I'm not usually like this...he's not usually mad like that either...I know I messed but ughhhhhh! Let's just go find him before I explode all over your nice, secret walls okay?"

"Gross hun... let's just go." Remy said, grabbing the keys hanging by the front door.

With that Remus followed Remy out to the hall of the building. After locking the door they took the elevator to Remy's car, but not the nice one he took last night.

"Where did this come from?" Remus asked, taking a seat on the passenger side.

"Last night I borrowed my dad's car and drove them there. But we took a carpool home. I told them I wanted to go out longer and they didn't question." Remy responded by turning the ignition key. "This car was the first I bought with only money I made. It's a piece of shit. And I love it." He finished pulling out of the parking space and turning onto the busy road.

Remus looked around the car. It seemed normal by any standard. Kinda small, a little dirty but it looked taken care of. Remus would have never have expected Remy to want to live like this. To each their own he supposed. It must be nice, he supposed, not having to keep up a facade all the time...

 "I had to do some research but I found where Roman lived. Have you ever been there? I haven't, so I might be wrong on the address." Remy broke Remus' train of thought.

Remus had to think on this question for a second, to restart his brain. Had he? He never really questioned it. He'd been to many of Romans homes before but had he been to this one? He couldn't recall..

"I don't think so but if the front desk recognized his name then he must live there."

"Yeah...that's what I thought too.." Remy said slightly nervously. He started tapping his fingers on the wheel as he drove.

"Why are you acting like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like weird.."

"I don't think I know what you mean.." Remy said ignoring Remus' tone.

"Listen dude what's up…" 

"I just...this isn't the best area of town. I live in my apartment about 75% of the time to escape my parents. I know this town, along with the areas to avoid. I was hoping I was wrong and he lived somewhere else. But let's just go there and make sure he's alright. Alright?"

"Alright.." Remus ended.

The rest of the ride was quiet as Remus just looked out the window. He had never been to this part of the main town before. He knew that there was a...not so great part of town. Every town has that. But this place looked run down. Old.

Most of the buildings seemed empty. Junk was thrown on the sidewalks, forgotten about. The road and sidewalks were cracked. The people walking around looked dull. It was hard to believe that this is the same town Remus lived in, just a different part of it. A part that Roman lived in…

Remus laid back in his seat staring forward as Remy pulled into a parking lot.

"Welp. We're here..I think. I'm actually quite surprised this place has a front desk at all if I'm being honest.. let's go. I'll ask which apartment is his." Remy encouraged.

Slowly Remus got out of the car and together they walked into the old building.

There was a front desk, surprisingly. Even more surprising was that there was a person behind it. 

There was a short lady behind the desk reading a very worn book. She had snow white hair and dark brown skin. He had both laugh and frown lines in her face. She looked as if she watched them build the whole town.

Remy took a deep breath and walked up to the desk and started to talk.

"Hi my name is Remy and I believe we talked on the phone late last night. We are looking for my cousin Roman. Do you know the apartment number?"

The woman didn't look up from her book, so, thinking she might not have heard him he awkwardly tried to speak up again. 

"Umm...excuse me…? He said a bit louder" 

Still, nothing. Remus shrugged his shoulders when Remy looked over to him.

"Don't look at me! I don't know what to do!" Remus whisper-shouted.

"Bish! You work with people! I don't! Talk to her!" He whispered back.

"Ugh! That's not how it works bitch!"

“I’m sure it helps!”

"Will you two shut up?!" Someone yelled. "This book is just getting good and you two are ruining it!"

Remy and Remus snapped their heads over the voice coming from behind the desk. The old woman was scowling at them harshly. 

"Sorry ma'am. Just looking for our friend. Which apartment is Roman Kingsleys?" Remy questioned quickly.

"Oh Roman?” The womens face opened up into a long smile. “What a sweet boy," her demeanor completely changed as if she was talking about a lifelong friend. "He didn't come home last night...probably at the theater, still. Poor boy. Always working. He's in 103 on the second floor. But I doubt he's home. I've been here all day. It wouldn't be the first time he's fallen asleep on stage" She let out a laugh that sounded like a mix between a window being wiped and a cackle.

After recovering slightly from the whiplash they just got from the woman, they thanked her and turned to walk to the stairs.

"Hold on now!" she stalked after them. They both froze in place. "Why do the likes of you want to go to his house? I can't just let anyone in!" She stopped right next to Remus. She barely came up to his shoulder, yet she was still terrifying. 

"I'm his brother! And this is his cousin! We are just here to say hi…" Remus uttered quickly. He didn't know why this woman made him so anxious. His family was 100 times scarier yet this woman shook him up. Something in the back of Remus' brain told him it was about threat vs action but he ignored that. 

"You better not be lying! That boy is the nicest person to walk in this hellhole." She sneered.

"No ma'am! Just here to see him!" Remy countered. "I-if you don't mind me asking though, how long has he lived around here?"

"Some cousin and brother you are if you don't know where he lives!" She laughed. Remy and Remus shuffled nervously in place. "He's lived here for about…. Ohh going on 3 years now? I think. He always tried to brighten this place up with flowers whenever he could. Recently though he's been  staying inside more. Poor child. I miss his humor. Tell him to come down here if he's up there! Give him a piece of my mind!" She finished as she stomped back to her desk, picking up her book and sitting in place, as if she never moved.

Remy and Remus smartly decided not to comment further. They continued their walk to the stairs. Each step was a bit wobbly but since there was no elevator, they had no choice. Though, judging by the look of things, they wouldn't have trusted the elevator anyway.

The walls had long straggling cracks going in each direction. At one point it looked like the walls might have been painted a baby blue or a similar shade. But years of no upkeep has left it looking grey at best. Cobwebs were strung up as if it was halloween decorations. The air smelled old and musty. The faint sound of dripping water could be heard from seemingly anywhere in the building. Yet it was eerily quiet as the boys approached Roman's apartment.

His door didn't stand out among the rest, which made Remus sad for some reason. He remembered when he would insist in the house that his door be painted a deep red color. Not it was just...bland. 

They both arrived at the door and stopped. They looked at each not quite knowing who should do what. Finally Remus had had enough and spoke up.

"What the fuck are we doing!? This is dumb. This trepidation is dumb! This isn't some horror fantasy bullshit! Let's go!" He shouted reaching for Roman's door handle. Slightly surprising both Remus and Remy, it opened.

Shaking the surprise off Remus busts through the door. 

"ROMAN! GET YO BITCH ASS UP!"

Taglist (ask to tag!):

@primaveradoodles @bluerosesbleedred

[mariisauruslove]

I don’t understand

I don’t understand how one day we could be staying up talking to not talking for weeks. I don’t understand why we shifted so drastically. I don’t understand how you used to be so friendly and flirty and that wasn’t in my head . Im not crazy. We were so in sync. I don’t understand how I barely know you anymore. I don’t understand how you could say nothing was there. My own therapist even saw there was something. I understand you don’t want me like that now, but what the fuck was that back then? Is it because i was too much? I had way too many problems to deal with? Did it ever occur to you that i never expected you to fix them but that i told you about them all because I trusted you that much? And i kept asking if this relationship was one sided because I felt like id talk too much about everything and I feel like I never could hear from you, and you said no. Maybe i was a bad friend because I didn’t give you the advice or sympathy/ empathy you wanted/ needed when you were going through things. And maybe that’s why you didn’t talk. I dont know what broke this. My feelings? Fuck that. Fuck these feelings bro. I just want you here in my life. I am sorry for everything. I don’t know whether I should be angry, sad or apologizing to you. I dont know what to do but watch you slowly drift from my life. And that fucking kills me because you are the reason why I’m here. Why I’m strong enough to make it on my own. You met me at a fucked up time in my life and now, more than ever, I live in a better state. I am so grateful for you and you’ll never understand that. No matter what happens, I’ll always feel that way about you. It makes me so sad that I’ll always care more about you than you would ever care about me. But at least i know my truths. I know that’s for certain and I dont think that’ll ever change. Yes, i love you. I just hope she makes you happy because I’m sure I could never fulfill your desires. You deserve your ultimate happiness and i hope you always have that. No matter how much I wished that was with me. And maybe she’s it. I dont know. But I hope you find yourself in a constant happiness for the rest of your existence. I wish you leaving me didn’t hurt as much as it does, but holy moley. Holy cow. Jeeze. I wish I never fell in love with you. It hurts too much. Thank you for being a part of my life. I’ll always love and and cherish every moment we shared, Dabes. Wanna know something funny? When we first started talking, I changed your name to Ice Age Baby so then down the line it would just shorten to Baby and that would just be normal lol. Another funny/sad thing is that I used to call you Dabes the Babes in my head and I planned to call you that if we were to ever end up together but I see that’s not the case. Oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️. I think I’ve just about had enough of these emotions. Time for bed now.

[mental-health-advice]

trigger warning for not wanting to live, trans struggles, self hatred

sorry that this is super long and whiny, no pressure to respond but thank you a lot if you do!

hello there! I'm currently unable to access therapy so I can't get diagnosed. I was already diagnosed with a sensory disorder as a child and general anxiety. I know I can't self diagnose but I want to better understand what's going on with myself and at least have an idea. Throughout my life I've felt really badly depressed. I can't remember the last time I wasn't depressed, it must have been when I was really young. The depression never goes away. It is occasionally less severe but only when I'm escaping reality. I'm transgender and I am not out to most people. I can't stop thinking obsessively about getting surgery. I fear deeply that I've been influenced somehow to feel transgender, because I don't usually feel a want with such conviction. I am never decisive, I always doubt myself, but I am so sure about how badly I need surgery that it scares me. The fact that I physically cannot stop myself from thinking about it is really concerning. My life is falling apart around me, I'm constantly failing and losing everything, and all I can think about is this daydream of getting surgery instead of fixing my life. I'm scared that I don't really want surgery and that I'm actually just telling myself that when I get surgery I will be able to fight my depression. I fear that I'm lying to myself about needing something to make it better when nothing can really heal me from depression. I understand that it won't just go away, but I want surgery so badly that I feel like it is the end goal so I can start living. It is the only thing that keeps me alive sometimes is the idea that I can do it one day and live my life and cope with depression. Sometimes I feel happiness for a second and it makes me so uncomfortable and scared because it's so foreign to me. I feel so alone. I have always felt so awful and sick about myself in every way. I don't even understand fully why I feel like I'm transgender. I know I've always hated my body and wanted to be a different gender, but I wonder if I am not trans and I actually just have self hatred problems. Inside I really do want someone to tell me, yes it's okay to be transgender and you're not wrong, go get surgery and then you'll be able to live your life. But not only is that confirmation bias ridden, wanting to hear validation so I run away from any transphobia, but. I also worry deeply that I will get surgery and then remain just as depressed because I am the problem. I feel like I am the reason my life falls apart. I dropped out of college 2 years ago and left my job and i tried going back to school but i failed my classes. I am living with my family again and I work for them but I don't really get paid enough to save anything. I'm too depressed to think of what i want to do in the future even though they ask me all the time what my plan is now that i failed again. I cant talk honestly to them about any of this. Im so scared of it i have constant nightmares about them knowing anything about me. I try to stay positive but i feel broken and useless. i am failing in every way. i dont know what to do im really desperate. Thank you a lot for being here for people.

Hey lovely,

I’m sorry to hear that you can’t access therapy. I do hope this will become a possibility in the future, so that you can get properly diagnosed, but most of all, so that you can get the treatment you need and deserve. Like you might know, we don’t promote self-diagnosis for the reasons listed here. However, we do think it’s good to be aware of your own symptoms and try to understand them better.

I’ve personally been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia). This is when your depression lasts longer than two years. Throughout dealing with PDD, there can be major depressive episodes, since the depression with PDD tends to be slightly lighter / not as heavy. A different term for PDD is chronic depression, which I personally found really scary because I felt like it’d mean it’d never stop. The term chronic here is meant more as in ‘long term’, rather than ‘forever’.

It sounds like you see surgery as a chance for your depression to fall away. While I do think that you can feel better after surgery, feel more like yourself, I doubt that not having had surgery yet is the sole cause of your depression. It’s usually more complicated than that. So it can be tricky to expect so much of it, because then you can only be disappointed and I wouldn’t want you to have to go through that.

It also sounds like daydreaming about your surgery, is something that holds you up. It helps you manage your current mental state. And I’d say that’s okay! We all need something to keep us up, to escape the reality of mental health struggles. Of course you do need to face it from time to time, but you can’t do that all the time. You need an escape sometimes. So if that escape is daydreaming about surgery, I don’t want to take that away from you! I have my escape too, I read a lot of books where I can escape into different worlds.

Feeling depressed can become a security blanket too. It’s a familiar feeling. You know what it’s like. So then when you feel happiness, or at least a bit happier than usually, it’s scary. You don’t recognise that feeling. It’s completely new to you. So it feels uncomfortable and you try to get back to feeling depressed, because at least you know that feeling.

I can’t look inside your head, so I can’t tell you whether you’re transgender or not. But I can tell you that it’s completely okay to be transgender! You mention that you’ve always wanted to be a different gender, which sounds completely valid to me! Even if you hadn’t felt that way always, you could still be transgender. It’s okay to be transgender, it’s okay to want surgery. But I don’t know if it’s fair to expect to be able to live your life without depression afterwards.

Sometimes, thinking about the future can be too overwhelming. That’s what I find at least! I dropped out of uni and have been working ever since, but if I think about the future and going back to uni, I get overwhelmed. So I try to focus on the present. I’m working now and that’s okay. It’s okay for where I’m at right now. If I manage to feel better mental health wise, then maybe I can think about going to uni again. But right now that isn’t doable, so I don’t consider it. Do you think this approach might be helpful for you too?

I hope this helped at least a little bit! If there’s anything else we can do to help, please let us know.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[thornsofdeath]

phf rants

as i’ve made clear im rlly impacted by this book. dont mind my lowkey venting

damn this is long

mista's coldness towards fugo / the stadium scene as a whole

it really really hurt me to see mista treating fugo, his old partner, his old friend like a dangerous enemy. i know he had his valid reasoning, but that very specific kind of angst shatters me. mista had his gun pointed at fugo for the entire stadium scene, not wavering for even a second. the worst part? it seemed like mista was trying to purposefully incite fugo to snap by right out insulting him and his stand, saying he was glad when fugo didn’t get on the boat. it seemed like he was egging fugo on just so he had an excuse to kill him, to get one more thing off his list of concerns. fugo as a person meant nothing at all to mista. when mista said “kill these traitors, or we’ll kill you” i wanted to cry. mista goes on about hoe fugo is a massive threat because purple haze is unhinged and can wipe out the enitre population if he wanted. fugo politely corrects him, as PH only has 6 capsules and can only attack 6 times in a day. did i see myself in that scene and feel fugo’s pain of just wanting to be left alone and not have to think about the past or the future, silent and melancholic during intervention and just feeling like the only way out is to kms right then and there? thats a secret ill never tell.  phf makes me smad.

there were some little details in purple haze feedback that got me thinking as well. in the 6 months between fugo’s leave and his cold reuniting with mista, fugo was playing piano at a bar. Most of the people who bring this up refer to it as just some cool trick he could get because he’s a rich kid. he is not. in flashbacks, it’s shown that bruno only knows how to cope with distress by isolating himself and bottling everything up. god, did i feel that. sheila e’s life goal was to kill illuso (to avenge her sister) and swore her life to giorno after finding out he killed him, it’s ironic though because in reality fugo had killed him, and in the first part of the book, they weren’t exactly friends. 

another part that really just made me wanna sob and bash my head into a wall was seeing fugo’s pure self hatred. since he was a child, he had it drilled into his head that if he couldnt produce results, he was worthless. after being disowned and thrown into jail with no future, he was completely hopeless. even after bruno came and took him in, he was never free of his liabilities. no matter what he did, he couldnt help seeing himself as some monster, failure, and burden. (kinnie moment) it worsened when he had to abandon bruno’s gang, his only saving grace was bruno, his light, hope, and acceptance. now he was stripped of that, gripped in fear knowing too well that betraying passione would end horribly. deep in his heart he wanted so badly to join them, to join his found family, but the logic he had drilled into his own head of knowing that betrayal was foolish and futile wouldnt let him have his way. hes back on the streets, just like how he was (or wouldve been after getting out of jail) after being disowned. he got a piano gig at a bar, and let himself wallow in grief and depression for 6 months. throughout the events pf PHF, we still see him clinging to memories and trauma. they say “what you let consume you will define you”, and i couldnt begin to describe it any better. putting all of the guilt and blame on his own shoulders, feeling he deserved it all and more. 

either i wasnt paying enough attention (this bitch got some rereading to do) or the purple haze distortion scene was kinda underwhelming. his character arc felt kinda rushed, like most of the book was establishing his bad state and constant flashbacks, and then all of a sudden he has confidence in his abilities and believes in himself. of course, im overjoyed he did get growth, and had a happy ending (depends on how you interpret it). stan fugio

vittorio’s fascination with pain really got me feelin. hgghhhhhhhh hh hnnhhhhh. he describes it well, wanting to feel his life force/energy in the form of pain so that he didnt ‘go extinct’, and the writing of it just saying straight up ‘cutting himself’ ‘hurting himself’ ‘self harming’ made my skin crawl. as someone who suffers with shit like that its both painful and relieving to know a character who has similar habits, whether it’s for the purpose of activating his stand or just to cope. 

2 times in phf, fugo does some kind of suicide attack. of course, he survives both. it’s never made clear whether or not he intended to die/didnt mind dying as it was a way of accomplishing his mission, but either way it got me heavy breathing. the last one especially, when he bites a virus capsule to kill volpe. did he know he’d grown and purple haze would miraculously save him with his own genius plan, or was he going out with a bang? luckily for me it wasnt really gone over like ‘hey you couldve died from that are you doing ok mentally’ or else i mightve felt nauseous reading it. im all for angst, but idk how much more i can take when its day 87 of quarantine and im numb as fuck just waiting to break down. 

angelica’s stand night bird flying (is probably not that complicated im just fuckin dumb) made fugo and everyone else hallucinate/dream. in fugo’s dream, it was pretty much an ideal au.  he was permitted to see his grandma when she was near death (preventing the professor scene), met bruno (fisher boy with fisher dad) on a boat and they became friends, nara went back to school and was doing good overall, abba remained a cop but didnt do any bad things, the whole group was all just good friends having a fun time. god i would licherally sell my body and soul for them all to be happy like that and all live. 

the concept of abandonment also messed me up, just the feeling that everyone say fugo as someone who abandoned the group in their hour of need out of selfishness made me wanna cry angry sad depression tears. hes a good man! let him be ok and happy i will fight all fugo haters no cap

every time i think back to the fugio restaurant scene i just. idk man it hurts me. the pessimistic bitch in me says that it would be unrequited and fugo would only be more sad because even through his efforts, he’s just another pawn working for giorno. on the other hand, it makes me soft n giddy because?? omyfucking god giorno asks fugo to call him giogio when NOBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK had referred to him as that. the fuckin “if grief anchors your feet, let me share it” part makes me wanna jusyt. complete my kin transformation into fugo and be a sobbin g  shaking mess in his arms as he tells me its all gonna be ok. was that a vent? absolutely. anyways, its pretty damn special for the don of the mafia to invite you to breakfast at a fancy restaurant before the place opens and its just the two of you. giorno fixes fugo’s injuries and tells him that he’s proud of his growth, and that he knew fugo could do it. dude?????? if i didnt already know i was a lonely affection/affirmation/attention starved bitch that wouldve done it for me.

holy fuck that was longer than i expected it to be. i do feel better tho

[highlonelylustfull]

1- July-2021

Today I had the first session with my mom and Mark. He immediately zeroed in on my and my defeatedness which was brought up by Dr. White in FL as well when I had a session with her and my mom. She noted how immediately my posture and demeanour changed. The default of compliance, knowing that I am not about to honestly and openly express myself with my mom as she's not able to handle it, and so I just comply and get smaller. Thats the only way that I can cope at this point is to emotionally detach.

Mark asked for a weekly recap and I was honestly about some highs and lows, when he asked mom the same thing she talked about how busy she is and then the rest of it was about Lariel which is annoying, avoidant, and copdepenant to think that someone else's news counts as your experience. Enmeshment.

She said that our conversations don't feel fake or superficial to her, which is alarming but also maybe she is incapable of having the kinds of conversations I would like to have. She at least acknowledged the underlying tension and the avoidance of certain topics.

When she read me her fears for me she got emotional and talked about basically my everyday reality. She said that I have been hit harder than any kid and am constantly being thrown curveballs and trauma, and she's worried that I won't be able to blossom or having an easy life. I didn't understand the fear in that because its all true. Mark and I were both nodding the whole time in agreement as in yes that is true and yes my life is hard and yes a lot of shit happens to me and no it does not stop and no I do not get a break. It was frustrating to see that she clearly doesn't see how her behaviour is contributing to making my life so FUCKING HARD. She is the biggest headache in my day to day life, she continually throws curveballs AT me and then gets upset at how I react making it even worse. She is the most stressful traumatic thing in my life hands down and that is why this is at such a breaking point for me. I need something to change in the way or boundaries, her behaviour, her communication, or just cutting her out of my life and looking for support in other ways. I said int he session that I feel like I can't put my whole weight on her and I have been actively seeking out other resources to help me because I can't trust her support.

When she was reading the assignment to me she acknowladged that she is growing mentally and emotionally and I am as well, both at different stages of our lives. So that gives me a little hope that she is becoming aware of her own faults and is becoming willing to work on her part of this relationship.

She misremebered the I am and have been doing everything in my power to better OUR relationship to bettering MYSELF. She acknowledged it and while that is true that I am and have been constantly bettering myself it discards the entire relationship aspect. She seemed to have a hard time saying or seeing that our relationship is/has shattered in a lot of ways, and added on to how important she is to me.

When I got to the fear.. that was rough. I didn't know if I could even say it as I was tearing up and had the biggest knot in my throat. Eventually I did, and she seemed taken a back, and left out my fear of the relationship ending or being irreparably damaged-clearly she doesn't feel that way even though she threatens me with it.

When it got to why I love her she waited for more I only could muster up two things one of which was a memory because at this point I have so little respect for her that I dont know why I love her other than she's my mother and so I am biologically programmed to withstand the throws of the relationship and try and better it because I'm her daughter. Which now that I think of it is something she drilled into my head about Ralph. That he's my father so I have to have him in my life and he's my father so that justifies a multitude of sins. I could see that she was underwhelmed or maybe even hurt by the lack of embellishment.

But what the fuck am I supposed to say? I literally called Riley last nights to give me ideas and remind me why I love my mother because all the things I love and value about most people.. she doesn't have. She is not loyal, she is not independent or strong, she is not loving ad nurturing all the time (so that didn't feel completely genuine to say), she isn't woke or working on herself, she isn't accountable, she isn't trustworthy, she isn't ride or die. A lot of the things I loved about my mom, things I used to brag about my mom are no longer true for me. She no longer is my best friend she is a constant source of trauma, pain, and material for group and therapy. She is constantly dissaponting me and being insincere and fake. I no longer feel like a priority on her list nor do I feel cared for or even taken into account. I feel like she is holding on to me with one hand and I am trying to get out of her grasp and just get some air but every fucking time, she pushes me down further and adds more mountain to climb. It feels like a never-ending story of Cali is mentally ill and I am a mom so therefore I am clearly not in the wrong or whatever other excuse she deems relevant. and I just have to eat it and drown a little more. It was hard hearing her talk about how hard and traumatic my life is and her just being so fucking blissfully unaware that SHE is the hardest, more traumatic, stressful, largest hurdle that I face in my daily life. That is why I am so fucking committed to fixing this and why I have and am putting so much of myself into this process because it is life or death for me. This is my breaking point. I can't live with this fake ass shit anymore and either the relationship gets better or I will have to cut her out or set firm boundaries and find other support and stability in my life because it is NOT her.

Then after we both finished, Mark asked her to recap how she felt about the assignment, the active listening, and about the content. She gave some bullshit dull answer, and Mark (THANK GOD) persisted that she be more specific. She basically blamed me and my "black and white thinking" as for the reason that I would feel that she is willing and able to cut me off at the drop of a hat. I asked to elaborate and reminded her of the conversation where she clearly threatened me saying "Just how much money do you need. You clearly want to divorce me, so how much money do you need!". She stated that thats not how she remembers the conversation and that actually she was setting a "boundary" with me and "clarifying" about where the financial support was going to come from and setting an emotional boundary with me about what she was not willing to discuss with me at that time... Then our time was up and Mark recaps that he feels like he's leaving us hanging but that ya know Rome wasn't built in a day and these things take time.

Overall I feel like it was a good first step to starting to dig into the REAL problem and exposing how deeply I am hurt and how immense this problem really is.