#how else do u know the true intentions of a liar

[bigidiotenergytm]

yknow one thing i love doing in my art is play with that glint in ody's eye where it is, its shape, it's color, whether it is there or not are very purposeful in each and every piece

[nomeniko]

hi :D for the ask game What do you wish more people understood about kazui? Which trial 2 MV do you enjoy the most, and why?

thank you for the ask i would grovel at ur feet in gratitude i hope the sun shines down and makes the light dance for u and you only today

1. if anything ive seen a few theories of kazui possibly revealing himself to be a two faced manipulator of sorts due to his self proclaimed liarness…. like ‘ohh u cant trust what he says he cld be trying to make himself look pitiable to the audience to get voted inno’ sort of theories which is. no he wont do that???

is he a liar? to a degree yes—liar not in the sense that what he says are direct falsities, but more like hes built much of his character to constantly disguise his true intentions/feelings as a defense mechanism. the lies he says are less of words from a schemer and more of redirections from someone who is, all in all, an insecure adult scared of what will happen if he isnt able to meet peoples expectations of him

as much as he calls himself a liar hes mad honest about where he thinks his capabilities lie, which is to say he doesnt believe in his capabilities at all lol. when amane asks him for help with her studies, he turns her down after some consideration bc he doesnt believe himself to be smart enough to help (despite having graduated from a university; sports degree or not credit shld be given where credit is due). when he talks to shidou post ktk attack, he refuses to admit doing any of the work in taking care of the situation and instead puts all the praise onto shidou. even his physical strength and skill (which is arguably the one part of him he does acknowledge and take some sort of belief in) is something he treats as less of something that he has achieved himself and more of an obligation of his—like, hes strong bc to him he HAS to be, bc it is expected of him to protect those who need protecting. he does want to protect others, sure, but much of that wanting comes frm how ingrained it is in him that thats what hes good for, thats what his strength is for (his timeline w/ yuno on her bday says as much nyway)

the way i see it, that self deprication of his plays back into his obsession with meeting the expectations placed onto him, or at least lessening the disappointment of others by lessening those expectations in the first place. if u tell someone that u didnt go to the right university, that u didnt do much to help anyway, that u were born so fundamentally wrong as a person that everything is bound to go to shit as long as ur there (he basically said this to es in his t1 vd im not even kidding), wouldnt that ensure the safety that youre less likely to ruin someone elses confidence in you? less likely to ruin bc in the small chance that u still fuck up, theres not much left to ruin at that point

in the end ig what i wish more ppl understood abt kazui is that hes a liar yes, but not a manipulator. he lies to stay safe, not to be a sadist or whatever. you cant take what he says at face value (in much the same way u cant do the same for any other prisoner tbh), but that does not mean u shldnt take anything he says srsly at all!!!

2. ok this one i have to give a bit of thought, mostly bc i cant pick just one

if the standards were which t2 mv do i enjoy for its direction music n visual wise, purge march takes the cake so quickly. the music itself is so bomb (which like, i cant even find a logical explanation as to why… its just so good to listen to) n the mv itself does such a great job at creating the right atmosphere, both in its flashy theatrics and the subtle uncanniness under it. mayb i have a slight bias bc tpm was the whole reason i got into milgram in the first place, but i stand by it idccc

aesthetic wise, def all knowing and all agony. the horror elements r genuinely disturbing, but not so overbearing that it overwrites the pop style that milgram has going on. i luove the use of amber for blood, plus the filters that remind me of found footage u usually see show up in asian horror movies. i think i was actually terrified the first time i watched the mv

symbolic wise, its cat always and forever god bless. it takes advantage of its aesthetics to hint at subtle secrets so well that it makes me giddy as hell. the use of colors as a part of the set, the transitions frm scene to scene having its own part in making the story, n honestly making the bg more blank than usual readjusts the focus of the mv on what matters p well. i cant mention every detail rn or else id be here all day

[forever-rogue]

Hi! Could you please do #2 from your prompt list with Javi or Frankie? Thank u!🤍

#2 - Kiss

I had to go with Javier 💕🥰

Javier Masterlist

»»————-　♡　————-««

"Can you stare more quietly?" you looked up from your paperwork finding, just as you knew you would, Javier's dark eyes watching you intently. You'd felt him watching you for some time, silent, but his silence often spoke volumes. He cleared his throat before looking away and reaching for his cigarettes. He groaned lightly when he realized he'd gone through another pack; his chain smoking was particularly strong when he had something on his mind. Clearly there was a lot going on under that dark mop of hair, "Javi?"

"Nada," he said gruffly with a shrug of his shoulders, leaning back in his chair as he looking at the dirty old ceiling. You knew that look all too well. This time it was your turn to stare, and you tossed your pen onto your desk, and walked over to him motioning for him to get up, “what are you doing, dulzura?”

“Let’s go,” you quirked your head towards the door. It was late, and most of the office was dark, leaving only you and Javier there with a few other stragglers. He leaned forward and gave you a curious look but you could see a smile tugging on his features, “come on, Javier. Let’s get out of here. Want to go for a drink?”

“You read my mind,” he said gruffly as he stood up and grabbed his jacket, following close behind you, out of the dingy, dirty office and into the cool of the fresh air of the evening.

»»————-　♡　————-««

“What’s on your mind?” you asked as you nudged the neck of your bottle against his. He’d been quiet, more so than normal, and it was startling. This wasn’t your normal Javi, this was a different Javi... and you were worried. He opened and closed his mouth a few times but nothing came out, “Javier?”

“Fuck,” he hissed under his breath as he downed the remainder of the foamy yellow liquid before setting the bottle roughly onto the dirty bar table. He drummed his fingers for a moment before giving you a searing gaze, “I like you, Dulzura. You know that.”

“Javier,” your heart stopped for a moment as you listened to his words. You wished you could just easily accept his words and let them wash over you in peace. But you couldn’t...not with Javi. Not with his reputation and his tendencies...you know it wasn’t anything...but still.  You never judged him or cared about it. Javi was Javi....your friend and partner. But you wanted to guard your own heart, “stop please. You don’t have to do this...we don’t need to.”

“What if I want to,” he insisted softly as you looked away and shook your head. How desperately you wanted to slide into his side of the booth, wrap your arms around him and kiss him. “we’ve been skirting around the issue for weeks now and I think we need to address it.”

“What’s there to address?” you asked innocently although you did know that it really should be discussed at some point...but you wished it could be at a point in the future...a far. far point in the future.

“Really?” he scoffed slightly as he reached into the jacket pocket and fished out his newly acquired pack of cigarettes. He made quick work of sticking it in his mouth and lighting it up, blowing out long, billowing puffs of smoke, “come on, we’re both adults.”

“Exactly,” you agreed, thickly swallowing the lump in your throat. Gods you wished he would just drop the subject, but that was definitely not one of his traits, “look, Javier, let’s just call it what it is. It wasn’t a good day and we were both tired, and hurting - vulnerable - and we took comfort in each other. One thing led to another and we have sex, it doesn’t need to be more or less than that.”

“That’s a lie,” he took the cigarette out of his mouth and tapped it off in the ancient ashtray, “don’t fucking deny it. You’ve always been a terrible liar.”

“Javier,” you looked away, taking a swig from your own bottle as you avoided his gaze, “we’re friends - partners. I don’t want...I don’t want to ruin what we have. Why?”

“Because we can be more than that...so much more,” he insisted, his low dropping low as he silently willed you to look at him, “I have liked you for so long, I know my feelings aren’t...fake.”

“I’m not exactly your type, am I?” your small laugh was bitter; dry. You realized it had cut a little more than you had intended. You hadn’t meant to go for a low blow, but you did want to remind him that he had a reputation for a reason. Judging by how he froze and the almost hurt expression on his face, you knew your words had their intended affect, “look, Javi, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t...I didn’t mean it.”

“Then what did you mean?” his voice steeled as he watched you intently, his gaze trained on you, all consuming and disconcerting. You shrugged as you played with your hands in your lap, knowing that this was a dangerous and thin line you were treading, “come on Dulzura, I’ve never known you to be so quiet.”

“I’m scared, Javier,” you finally admitted after a few moments, as you stared at the table, “I’m scared to let you in and let down my guard. I’m afraid you’re going to break my heart. A-and I don’t deserve that...I don’t deserve to deal with a broken heart and I don’t want to ruin you. In my eyes or anything else.”

“You’re so sure that I would break your heart?” it was a small laugh, a bitter thing, that made your stomach drop as soon as the sound met your ears, “you don’t know me well at all then, baby.”

“Javier...” you leaned in closer to him and dropped your voice, “I don’t...I love you, Javier. But I don’t....this can’t happen.”

“What did you say?” he asked before you could ramble on and get too lost in your train of thought. You hadn’t even realized those three little words that slipped out of your mouth. But as he stared back at you, those brown eyes soft as ever as he searched your own, you realized what had happened, “what. Did. You. Say?”

You wanted to deny it, pretend it had never happened and take back your words, but you couldn’t. Not when it was the truth, not when they were already out in the open, not when they were true.

“I...umm,” your face instantly warmed up as you turned away, wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole, “don’t make say it again. Please.”

“Say it again and I’ll never ask you to repeat it,” his face was almost lit up with joy as he realized he had you right where he wanted you. You groaned as you finished your beer, unable to contain your own laugh as you quickly flipped him off.

“You realize that your statement itself is a fallacy,” you teased as he sat back in the booth and shrugged, bringing a hand to his mouth as he brushed his fingers over his mustache. You sighed heavily, letting go of all the worries and nerves that were racking your body, “fuck...Javi...”

“I love you,” he blurted out before you could say anything else. Your mouth dropped and formed a small o as you realized what he had said. At first you wondered if it was some sort of colossal joke or he was just pulling your leg to try and get you to repeat those damned words. But when he remained silent, waiting for some sort of reaction and didn’t make some sort of start remark, you realized he wasn’t joking.

“I...huh?” your brow furrowed as he laughed lightly giving you an expectant look, “Javi?”

“I’ll say it again if you will.”

“I love you?” you asked as you looked at him with wide eyes. His grin spread across his features, brilliantly highlighting his dimple, “is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Only if you mean it,” he cocked an eyebrow before taking the cigarette out of his mouth and stubbing it out in the ashtray, “do you?”

“You’re an asshole Javier,” you insisted as he noncommittally nodded, “but yeah. I, umm...I do. I have for a long time.”

“Well that settles that then,” he stated simply, a satisfied little look on his face as you just sat there in confusion.

“Settles what?”

“I love you,” he said as you didn’t bother to hide the little smile on your face, “and you love me. Maybe that’s all we need. Maybe that’s all that matters.”

“Javier...”

“Do you ever think that we think too much?”

“I would argue that as DEA Agents its our job...”

“Maybe we’ve gotten too lost in that,” he stated simply, “maybe we need to think less and just...be.”

“Sage words coming from you, Javier Peña.”

“I’m not just a pretty face,” he smirked as you dramatically rolled your eyes, “but I’m being honest with you. Maybe we shouldn’t think too much about any of this...and just see where things go.”

“I’m scared...”

“I am too,” he admitted, almost laughing, “I haven’t felt this way about...anyone before and its...scary. God, I’m grown man and here I feel like a fuckin’ kid.”

“Javi?”

“Dulzura?”

“Will you...will you kiss me?” your cheeks felt like they were on fire as your question hung in the air for just a moment. There was a wicked little glint in his eye as he nodded with a light, nervous huff of air, “but not here.”

“Oh? Oh.”

“If we’re going to do this, I want to do this properly,” he insisted softly, “and I’m not kissing you in this dirty, run down bar. I want to do this properly. Let’s get out of here.”

“Okay now that I can get behind.”

“Let’s go for a walk,” he suggest softly, earning a smile from you, “ice cream sound good?”

“Yeah, Javi,” you agreed as you gently took his outstretched hand, “that sounds good.”

»»————-　♡　————-««

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[apriorisea]

Ok I’m seriously convinced you’re secretly one of the members...(Joonie is that u???) loool but for real, you write their personalities so well. So not a request, but a question?? Their “concepts” aside (like, “golden maknae etc”)... key personality traits & flaws for each of the boys? Like “passionate, sensitive, a perfectionist, or overly self-critical, etc” Which member(s) is hardest to write?Hope this made sense, I’m just super interested in your take on this :)

--First off, you’re so nice!!! Thank you so much:) And also, thank you for this question! I love things like this---even though it’s obviously all just my personal speculation 😅I listed my thoughts down below, but I would love to hear any thoughts (whether in agreement or disagreement!) anyone else might have!  As for which member is hardest to write, for me I typically struggle a little more with Taehyung and Hoseok. For Taehyung, I think it’s probably because our personalities are pretty opposite (again, HUGE grain of salt, since I don’t *actually* know any of them in real life, so I’m just going off the little info we have), so it takes me a little longer to write his stuff. For Hoseok, I think it’s because there is so much more to him than meets the eye and his personality is difficult for me to pin down sometimes. 

Again, thanks so much for your sweet words and thought-provoking requestion (it’s a word now)! I hope you find my take interesting! 💕💜

Seokjin: 

Conscientious - I think Kim Seokjin is very, VERY aware of his role in any given setting. He knows what’s expected of him and how to do it without bending any of his personal boundaries/rules.

Private - I firmly believe that we will never know the true personality of our Mr. Worldwide Handsome. I think he decided early on that to survive in this life, he was going to have to separate his stage persona from his personal life---and he guards this separation fiercely. This is also one of the qualities I admire the most about him: his unwavering commitment to keeping pieces of himself just for him. My personal opinion is that he is the member that gave up the most of a “normal” life and, while he did so knowing the consequences of this choice, he’s found ways to “rebel” and keep his own autonomy (think: responding to fans in a very “blunt” manner [Marry me? No.], cutting/coloring his hair against company wishes, refusing to give-in to fan-service he is uncomfortable with  [thinking specifically of that one time the host tried to get him to kiss Taehyung and he just started yelling over them when they tried to insist], his penchant for avoiding overly ~revealing~ outfits, etc etc).

Professional - I mean, just a continuation of both of the points above. He always knows when the cameras are watching and how he should act accordingly. But---and this is important---I am in NO WAY saying he’s being fake or disingenuous. The Jin we see on stage, in MVs, RunBTS, and even Bon Voyage/In The Soop is the real Jin---it’s just not all of him. He chose the Idol Life as his career, as a profession, so he would never be caught violating the terms that he himself has set to fulfill his responsibilities. What little we know of his family leads me to believe that he was groomed from a young age how to navigate high society and the professional world; now it’s just a slightly different world and society he floats through. 

Responsible - He takes the job of eldest brother very seriously. Though the baby in much of his younger life, as soon as he got 6 little brothers he stepped effortlessly into his new role. Making them food, driving them to school, helping them feel at home in a new place, providing silent but tangible support... My personal favorite is the way he willingly makes a fool of himself to relax the others, to help them calm down during stressful situations and break the ice. 

Good memory - I want to be careful how I explain this, because I don’t want it to come out wrong. I think Kim Seokjin has a very good memory. If you were decent to him and his brothers during the hard times, he’ll remember that going forward. If you were cruel to or dismissive of him as a young exchange student abroad, he’ll never forget. However, I also think he’s cunning enough that you would never be able to tell which category you fall under unless he wants you to know. 

Hard-worker - I mean, just the endless amounts of anecdotes we have about him practicing his vocals and choreography all night long should be enough evidence for this point, but I still sometimes feel like he doesn’t get enough credit. We all know the story of how he got placed in BTS, but I don’t think people appreciate how damn hard he has worked to grow into this life. He was a college student, set on a completely different life with completely different expectations, scooped off the street and told to learn to sing and dance and look. at. him. now. Listen to that vocal range, look at the Black Swan choreography or the way he seamlessly joined the dance break of ON---he has worked HARD and I don’t think we should forget about this. Just because something doesn’t come easy to you, if you’re not naturally gifted, it doesn’t mean you can’t work to achieve it. 

Basically I just love Kim Seokjin with my whole heart.

Yoongi:

Empathetic -  This word is the beginning and end of how I would describe his entire being. I think Min Yoongi is a very empathetic person. He sits back and observes, and he’s aware of everything. You know when you first get into BTS, there’s always the stories of him being the “scariest” member or the “toughest” or the quietest (especially in the earlier days of BTS, because can we just talk about how much happier he has been this last year-year.5?? How much more himself he is at all times? How much more comfortable??? We love to see it.) But I think his quiet watchfulness just gets frequently mistaken for scary or tough. In addition, his empathy allows him to connect with others in a special way, to acknowledge them and build them up (thinking of that one V-Live or whatever where Jungkook says something kind of under his breath---something about a past life?---and Yoongi not only hears him but turns to him and explicitly validates his feelings and thoughts, OR the times when he tells Jimin that he really likes his singing voice).  

Protective - He doesn’t like unkindness in any way, shape, or form. He doesn’t tolerate cruelty or bullying. And let’s not forget: he sees everything. Every slight, every intentional dismissal, every dig or jab, every “diss track” lyrics. Every single injustice. Now, he can stand up for himself (when he deems it appropriate, because I also think he’s pretty good at picking battles), but his true force comes out when those he loves are belittled/threatened/disrespected. He is fiercely protective of those he loves. 

Emotionally Intelligent - Obviously, I think he’s also just intelligent-intelligent, but I want to focus on this aspect for a moment, because I think this is a quality that gets overlooked in people in general. He is aware of the importance of emotions, both his own and other people’s. It’s in the way he recognized that he and Taehyung were polar opposites and made a concentrated effort to understand him better. It’s in the way he unabashedly announces that they hold hands when they’re arguing. It’s in the way that he insists that there is more to life than school, grades, others’ expectations. It’s also in the way he knows exactly how to make the others laugh, the way one of his sharp-witted comments or physical-comedy bits can break a tension or diffuse the moment. It’s all over every single one of his songs. It’s in the way he calmly handles challenges and has a unique relationship with each of his brothers according to their needs. He treats his relationships---with the members, the fans, staff, friends, family, whoever---with care and respect and maturity. 

Compassionate (read also: Cinnamon Roll) - Yoongi understands darkness because he has experienced it himself, and he will do whatever he can to make sure no on else suffers in the same way. He takes care of the people in his life, usually by doing little things or quiet things (think: the reason they call him the “dad” of BTS). He’s not afraid to correct people when they’re wrong, but he always manages to do it kindly. He’s also a complete pushover for the ones he loves: think of how he each member of the maknae line has a different but special relationship with him, think of how Jungkook can basically crawl all over him and hit him and annoy him and bother him and he never bats an eye, think of the way he showed up with chicken because he didn’t want Hoseok to be alone, think of the way he goes fishing with Jin because he knows his big bro loves it so much, think of the way he never ever yells at anyone when he’s angry, think of the way he softens his tone when explaining things. Cinnamon. Roll. 

Straight-forward - He’s blessed with the ability to be blunt but not cruel. I actually personally really hate the word “blunt” because, in my experience, it usually comes into play when someone is explaining that their rude, offensive, and ignorant comment *isn’t* rude, offensive, or ignorant---they’re “just a blunt person.” But I think Yoongi is someone who is actually able to be straight-forward (a much better term than the dreaded b-word) without slipping into carelessness. He says things how they are, but, using his emotional awareness and intelligence, he’s able to say it calmly and kindly. If you’ve messed up, he’s going to tell you you messed up---but he’s also going to help you figure out the next steps and volunteer to walk with you while you take them. He’s going to call out bad behavior---but always remind you that he loves you no matter what. He’s going to critique the song you wrote---but it’s going to be 90% positive comments and 10% suggestions of what could be better/smoother/more understandable. I also feel like he is someone who expects the same in return: he hates liars and has a low tolerance for bullshit. 

Basically I just love Min Yoongi with my whole heart.

Hoseok: 

Duality - Now, I don’t mean duality in the way you can compare his precious ray-of-sunshine moments to the times he absolutely blows everyone away on stage (though this is obviously a thing). I’m referring more to the way he can be both ray of sunshine and serious-business all at the same time. Like Jin, I think Hoseok chose an Idol persona (though I think his decision was prompted more by a desire to be uplifting and cheerful and our hope) and exists comfortably within those parameters. However, unlike Jin, I think Hoseok doesn’t mind if people see the other side sometimes, too. He’s not afraid to set down the bubbly-Hobi persona, even if cameras are rolling. He’s not afraid to be emotional,  whether that’s over-the-top happiness, or genuine overwhelmed tears. He can wear a flower around his face and make cute noises and then the next second he can snap at the maknae to not fool around near a pool so he doesn’t get his clothes all wet. It’s not an act either way, he’s just both. 

Good judgment - Obviously, we know that Jung Hoseok is a hard-worker. We know he’s dedicated his life to his craft, first with dancing and then with rapping. He can be an intimidating dance captain, someone who takes it seriously and pushes everyone to be the very best they can be. His work ethic is insane, and he never accepts less than his best---but, in comparison to others on this list, I think he is able to critique himself fairly and kindly. While he demands perfection, he doesn’t tear himself apart to find it. I think he has the ability to assess something or someone and come away with a fairly unbiased opinion. 

Comfortable - This is hard to describe in just a word, but I think he has a way of making people feel at ease in his presence. Even as one of the biggest superstars on the planet right now, you get the sense that he never wants to make people feel uncomfortable or intimidated or uneasy. Something about his mannerisms, his bright smile, his personableness, make him seem approachable. I think it’s also why Namjoon’s been known to say that BTS couldn’t exist without Hoseok, why Yoongi values his friendship so much, why Jungkook is constantly snuggling him. My personal opinion is that he was instrumental in bridging the gap that sometimes might have occurred between Namjoon and Yoongi in the early days; his comfortable presence eased some of the tension that (I’m guessing) may have naturally arisen between two of the greatest young rappers in the game when they were first working together. Hoseok just wants everyone to feel comfortable and at ease around him.

Kind - I think Jung Hoseok is just a genuinely kind human being. I think he is trusting and loyal, but also just the sort of person who will make it his mission to make you smile on a bad day. Just the fact that he chose to make his stage persona someone who is full of hope and happiness speaks volumes. Knowing his own personal struggles, he extrapolates this knowledge to guess how others could feel, and throws himself into the role of positive, happy, sunshiney, hope. It’s his kindness that motivates this behavior. 

High standards - This goes along with his good judgment, but I think Hoseok expects a certain level of competence from everyone around him, in whatever capacity they’re working. Again, this goes along with his desire to have the entire group work on a bit of choreo until it’s right. I think that, because he pushes himself to be the best and fulfill expectations, he looks for this same dedication in others (what comes to mind is that moment in some interview where Namjoon is struggling a little [cos English is the WORST, ugh] so Hoseok looks over at the interpreter like “what exactly are you doing, do your job, help him translate”). 

Basically I just love Jung Hoseok with my whole heart. 

Namjoon: 

Unbelievably intelligent - I know this one isn’t exactly shocking, but I still feel like it needs to be mentioned first and appreciated more. Namjoon is crazy intelligent, academically speaking. He thrives on the pursuit of knowledge, on contemplating and discussing higher concepts, on learning new things that feed his curiosity and his soul. While I also think this crazy-high intellect can sometimes hinder his ability to connect emotionally with people, it’s also this exact quality that makes him so well suited for the role he has been thrust into---not just in the group, but in the world. 

Nerdy - Bicycling, bonsai trees, reading, tiny creatures, art exhibits. He is unabashedly and desperately passionate about the things he likes. He isn’t afraid to love something just because he loves it. He goes all-in on things that he’s interested in, whether they’re “cool” or not. His curiosity pushes him forward, needling him to learn everything he can about things he’s passionate about. He sinks himself into these hobbies wholly (think: carrying a book or two with him everywhere so he can get some reading in, visiting as many art museums and exhibits as possible on days off, making cutesy noises at stingrays and scooping teeny-tiny crabs out of the sand to tell them how beautiful they are).

Macro-focused - He strikes me very much as the sort of person who loves to talk about concepts and ideas and philosophies in great terms. He loves clever wordplay, he likes to reflect on his place in the universe, he wants to discuss the complexities of life and human nature. His quick-mind devours these topics, and I can imagine he could sit for hours with you debating philosophy and discussing art. On the flip side, though, I think he isn’t so good with minutiae---and by “minutiae” I mean everything from being more aware of his physical surroundings to dealing with personal things. For example, I think he’s brilliant when he discusses happiness and hardship and joy and pain and love and humanity in the songs he writes...... but he’s not exactly the first person you would go to if you were having a tough or emotional personal time. Don’t get me wrong: obviously he cares about the people in his life, he cares about people in general---but sometimes all you need is a hug and pat on the back to encourage you and Namjoon would instead launch into the greater implications and consequences of human nature in an attempt to help you feel better.

Logical - I know this seems like a given, but while I think others on this list are more emotionally-intelligent, I think logic is one of Namjoon’s greatest strengths. For example: if another member is crying or upset, Jimin would notice they’re upset and immediately go and hug them and wipe their tears away; Namjoon would notice they’re upset and immediately look for the source of the problem. Once identified, he’d take the next steps to rectifying the problem, because logic dictates that if the problem gets solved, then the other member would be happier. If there was nothing to rectify, he’d attempt to comfort them with cold, hard facts. (I’m thinking about that time when Jungkook got upset because he felt like he messed up his performances, and Jimin immediately hugs him and comforts him and tells him he was great, while Namjoon assesses the situation and starts talking about how he himself actually, objectively messed up, so there’s no logical reason for Jungkook to be upset right now.) He dreams and enjoys literature and the arts---but when it comes to handling practical, inter-personal issues, he’s much more comfortable with logic. 

Vibes - I really didn’t have a good word to describe this thought of mine, so let me just get right into explaining: I think Namjoon is, generally speaking, one of the smartest people---if not the smartest person---in the room. He’s aware of this fact without being arrogant about it, but it is the truth. Because of this, I think he’s frequently called on to explain things, to expound on them, to teach or interpret or decipher. I think he enjoys this role, because he loves talking about things he’s passionate about (see above: nerdy) but sometimes...sometimes I think he just desperately wants someone he can vibe with. Someone who can match his level intellectually. Someone whom he doesn’t have to teach. I think he is over-the-moon ecstatic when he meets someone he can vibe with in any way---whether that’s intelligence-related or passion/hobby-related. I don’t know, I just sometimes feel like he chooses to spend his personal time with people who can match him in some way, whom he can vibe with.

Basically I just love Kim Namjoon with my whole heart.

Jimin:

Caring - For me, Park Jimin starts and ends with this characteristic. He cares. A lot. About a lot of things. He cares about his brothers, he cares about his family, he cares about his friends, he cares about ARMY, he cares about music, he cares about his dancing, he cares about fashion, he cares about how he’s perceived, he cares about doing his very best, he cares about the future generations, he cares about those who are less fortunate than him, he just cares so much. Along with Yoongi, I think he is incredibly empathetic. How many times do we see him basically sprint across a room or a sandy beach or a campsite or a stage to get to an upset member? He reads people’s emotions and has a natural instinct to take care of them. Like anything, though, I think his biggest strength can also be a great weakness: sometimes he cares too much. How many times has he worked until his body is covered with pain patches, until his feet bled, until he almost passed out? All the weight he lost, because he cared about his appearance? How hard he worked at being “hardcore, manly” Jimin, because that’s what he thought people cared about most? All the times he cried after a tiny mistake, because he cared about being perfect, because he cared about others’ perception of him? Park Jimin cares so/too much and it’s one of the most defining things about his personality. 

Social Intelligence/눈치 - One thing I love the most is how he has such a unique relationship with each one of his brothers. Now, obviously, every single combo in Bangtan is different and unique and special. But I love watching Jimin’s relationships with the others so much, because he’s so aware of what they need. Truthfully, I think Jimin is hyper aware of others in general. If you’re trying to sneaky-cry at a crowded party, Jimin is the type of person who would somehow appear at your side, ready to help you feel better. His empathy and sensitivity allow him to assess what each individual needs the most from him and act accordingly. He knows Taehyung should never be left alone when upset, knows that if Jungkook is actually crying then something is very wrong, knows that Leader RM sometimes needs to just be his one-year-older hyung Namjoon, knows exactly how far he can push Yoongi’s buttons, knows to laugh at Jin’s dad-jokes (especially when they’re for the benefit of the group), and knows that Hoseok needs to be reminded how much cohesiveness he provides the group in general. 

Self-Critical - All right, I feel like this one might be a little controversial, so hear me out. Like I mentioned earlier, he cares a lot, and part of that translates into caring about himself---caring about his achievements, his performance, his appearance. It’s partly the classical dancer in him and partly just his personality. He wants to do and be his best always. But.... I do think that he has learned to be much kinder to himself over the years. Gone are the days of starving himself to get rid of his cheeks, the tearful breakdowns after a single missed step in a performance, the acting outside of his true personality because he thinks that’s what he’s supposed to be. I think we now very much see a Jimin who has come into his own, who has accepted himself for who he is (including his flaws), who has embraced every part of him. This doesn’t mean that I think he never has to fight the nagging voice in his head, or struggle with insecurities, or swallow down the urge to berate himself after a less-than-perfect performance---he still expects the best out of himself, still wants to be the best. I just think he’s found a way to critique himself without absolutely tearing himself apart. 

Cunning - Yet another word that looks and sounds derogatory, but isn’t really in this context. Like a lot of other empathetic, sensitive, socially-intelligent people, knowing exactly what people need and are feeling also allows him to know weaknesses. Weaknesses he would never exploit---unless he wanted to. I actually don’t think we see much of him using others’ weaknesses against them, but in my opinion, this quality is linked to two of his other quirks: 1) his talent and complete lack of guilt for cheating at games and 2) his penchant for pettiness. I don’t really know how to explain my thought-process here---not well, anyway. But I feel like Jimin is so tuned into the important things (so concerned about the important things) that little things, like cheating at a game, don’t matter to him much. And, if he can use his usually sweet and helpful and hard-working, honest self to get away with it, even better. On the flip side, I don’t think he enjoys or endures confrontation as much or as well as, say, Yoongi might---so he expresses himself in a quieter, underhanded way. (The moment that’s coming to mind is that one time they were at an American event and he commented, in Korean, about how unorganized things seem to be.) Jimin is the sweetest, most sensitive, empathetic little cinnamon roll---until it’s time to win a game, or until he’s feeling a little prickly and petty. 

Basically I just love Park Jimin with my whole heart.

Taehyung: 

Individualistic - Kim Taehyung knows who he is. He knows what he likes, what he wants, what he thinks. He is going to wear whatever he wants, paint whatever he wants, say whatever he wants, and do whatever he wants. He’s a person who seems to have figured out a long time ago what makes him happy and how to be his true self around others no matter what---and this something I greatly envy. If he wants to learn the violin, he’s gonna buy a violin and play some scratchy Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on a hotel balcony---because that’s what he wants to do. If he wants to write a song, it’s going to be in his style, the way he likes it. If he wants a really cool, avant-garde piece of artsy clothing, he’s going to spray-paint it himself. If he has an opinion on something, it’s highly likely that he’s spent quite a bit of time forming this opinion---but once that’s his opinion, that’s his opinion. That’s what he thinks, there’s no need to listen to others or change. I think this quality, this ability to be himself so  freely and earnestly, is both one of the reasons he’s able to make friends so easily and be beloved so quickly (see: “Bangtan’s True Baby” and “Wooga Squad darling”); and one of the reasons others (including the other members, by their own admission) can’t understand him well at first. I think it has brought many good things to his life, but has also played a significant part in some of the struggles that he has had. He’s precious, but also very easily misunderstood.

Not Very Outward-Sensing - Notice I very purposefully don’t go anywhere near the words “self-absorbed” or “self-centered”---because he’s not. On the contrary, I think Taehyung feels very deeply for the people in his life (see below: Emotional), but his ability to care for them is sometimes inhibited by his lack of outward-sensing. If Jimin is the king of 눈치/social awareness, then Taehyung is the absolute opposite (which is why it is unendingly intriguing to me that two of his closest relationships in BTS---he and Jimin, he and Yoongi---are comprised of one person who lacks this awareness [Tae] and one person who has all the awareness [Jimin, Yoongi]). He would never hurt someone’s feelings on purpose, but quite often he’s just not paying a whole lot of attention to what other people might be feeling or experiencing. He’s not concerned about walking on eggshells, because he feels that as long as his intentions are good, nobody can be too hurt or too uncomfortable with him or his behavior (A great example of this is the infamous Spring Day Dance Debate from “Burn the Stage.” In Taehyung’s mind, he saw something that should be changed and needed to be addressed, so he called it out. It never in a million years would occur to him that the way he phrased it or the way he kept harping on it could be a source of irritation or discomfort to Jin. To him, it was a very black-and-white, clear-cut situation: something was wrong, he had an idea of how it should be fixed, therefore nothing bad could/should come of him speaking his mind in the pursuit of this perfect solution he created). He seems like the sort of person who, after accidentally hurting your feelings, would sympathize with your hurt and want to make it better, but focus more on the fact that he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, so it’s not really his fault. 

Emotional - I think he is very in-touch with his emotions, which can be both a good thing and a bad thing. For example, if he’s upset, he wants everyone to know and acknowledge that he’s upset. He doesn’t like feeling ignored or passed over, and where others might let it slide, he’s not afraid to speak up about it (I’m thinking about the time there was a question directed specifically to Yoongi about being from Daegu and Taehyung immediately pointed out that he was also from Daegu, and kind of pouted a little until it was acknowledged). Also, although it’s never been said explicitly, I think he is one of the members who potentially struggles with depression. He can take things very personally and to heart. But this is likely because he has such a big heart. He loves unabashedly and he’s very vocal about who he loves---think of all the times he’s said and posted comments along the lines of “Please love all seven” and “Please love each of us equally.” He also can be very protective (thinking of that one Weverse post where he lowkey chewed somebody out for posting an unflattering photo of one of the others) and blunt when defending those he loves. I mean, he created a whole new word just to express how much he loves ARMY! When he’s sad, he cries. When he’s happy, he giggles. When he’s angry, he expresses it. When he’s disappointed, he doesn’t hide it. To me, he is a near-perfect example of someone who wears their heart on their sleeves. 

Contradictory - One of his most endearing qualities. He is not very outward-focused---but he bought a pair of gloves because he remembered that Jimin offhandedly mentioned that he needed some. He doesn’t read other people easily---but he (so far) is also pretty darn good at completing accurate Vibe-Checks for those who come in contact with BTS. He doesn’t always see as much as the others might---but he also notices certain things they might miss. The beauty of his being is that he can be both things at the same time and not seem out of place.

Basically I just love Kim Taehyung with my whole heart.

Jungkook: 

Confident Yet Perfectionistic - Now listen: when I say confident, I don’t mean that he never struggles with insecurities. I mean confident in the way that his whole life (at least his whole Idol life) he had 6 older brothers who encouraged him to try and do anything he wanted---and then supported him no matter the outcome. Being raised in an environment like that, where you’re encouraged to try things, where you have people who love you constantly praising your efforts and providing a safe space for you to fail, you gain a certain amount of confidence in your abilities, in yourself. I think this is actually a big part of the Golden Maknae moniker: yes, I think he is the type of person to whom things may come quite easily and who is naturally skilled in several areas---but it’s also a little easier to conquer new things when you have years of encouraged-successes under your belt. He has gained a confidence in himself over years of trying and working his tail off and eventually succeeding; he knows he can do anything if he works at it enough because he’s always been able to do everything he works at. Where the perfectionistic aspect kicks in especially is this: there are a lot of people who have a natural affinity for lots of things. There are lots of people who can pick up something new and be decent right away (I honestly think Taehyung is another person like this, someone who can pick new things up pretty easily)---the difference is that Jeon Jungkook is the type of person who takes that natural affinity and runs with it. He’s not satisfied with just being good at something; if it’s something he really wants to do, he throws his whole heart and soul and self into it. In my opinion, this sets him apart from people who could be considered “Jack of All Trades, Master of None.” He trusts his process and uses it to be the very best he can be in whatever he does.

Introverted -  Obviously he’s not the only introverted member of Bangtan, but I do think that his specific life experiences require a little more discussion on this topic than the others. By his own admission, his childhood ended really early. He didn’t focus much on school because he was focused on his career; he never got to have the typical high school experiences most of the others had. At an incredibly young age he was thrust into a totally different life that required being in the spotlight---and while this definitely brought unique challenges, he loves his life as a musician and performer. I think out of all BTS, Jungkook especially lives for performing. He lights up on stage and is at his absolute happiest when performing (and performing well). And yet none of this changes the fact that he is absolutely an introvert, someone who needs to recharge with just a little alone time. Alone time. Not easy to achieve when you live in the same tiny dorm with 6 other boys. Not easy to achieve when you are constantly surrounded by brothers, staff, instructors, producers, cameras, and fans.  

Maknae - I can’t explain this well, I know I can’t, but it just is such a huge part of him that I feel like I need to try. In so many ways, Jungkook is a typical baby of the family. It’s evident in the way that he unabashedly idolizes his Rap-Mon-hyung. In the way he constantly cuddles and sniffs and snuggles Hoseok. In the way he’s not afraid to pester Yoongi or tease Seokjin. He also seems like someone who is much more of a fixer than a listener; meaning, if you go to him with a problem, he’s going to be focused on how he can fix the situation, not on just listening and sympathizing/empathizing with you, a trait that I feel comes easily to babies of families (not that *all* youngest children have this, mind you) because they’re typically not the ones confided in, so if something is brought to them they want to help make it right (massive generalization, I know, don’t kill me). As discussed above, he’s also confident in himself because he’s been raised with older siblings who have always told him “yes, you can.” He’s just Baby in all the ways that stick with a person even as they grow older. 

Trusting - Jungkook strikes me as the sort of person who trusts fairly easily---and, more importantly, unshakably. He has no problem admitting to millions of ARMY that he ripped his pants on stage or V-Living while drunk (I don’t care what he says, babyboy was at least a little buzzed) because he trusts us. He could easily follow Namjoon (or any of his brothers) to the ends of the earth. He takes every opportunity to speak earnestly and wholeheartedly about how much he genuinely loves ARMY, because he trusts that that love will be returned. 

Basically I just love Jeon Jungkook with my whole heart. 

[gokubrain]

Hi! What is Age 801 about (was it a DBS thing? I kinda refuse to watch DBS and have only read the Trunks/Goku Black arc, Moro arc, and [now] Granola arc)? Also, can we get some more canonically gay moments with Goku and Vegeta, please? Preferably DBZ and screenshots are a bonus. :-D Thanks! XOXOXO

HII buckle in this is a long one LOL

Age 801:

for starters, i've talked briefly abt age 801 on my twitter before but i'd be glad to talk about it here too HAHA

though i haven't actually played this first hand so i won't go into too much detail in fear of giving wrong information. BUT BASICALLY there was this game called Dragon Ball Online, which "was a massive multiplayer online role-playing game being developed in Japan and South Korea by NTL, set in the Dragon Ball universe." again i didnt play it but from what i understand it takes place 200 ish years after the end of the buu arc in dbz.

age 801 is the year of goku's death, but it goes deeper than that LOL

APPARENTLY as goku realized his time to die was approaching, he reached out to vegeta, and the two of them LEFT EARTH WITHOUT A WORD and traveled to a far away planet in the middle of no where to have one final battle where they both went out in a blaze of glory. i don't remember where i heard this but apparently their death battle caused a supernova that was seen from earth years later

guys?? if that's not the most fucking homoerotic and romantic thing you have ever heard than ur a liar HAHAHDFJH

ALSO THIS STORYLINE WAS APPROVED BY TORIYAMA WHICH IS ABOUT AS CLOSE TO CANON AS ANYTHING LIKE THIS IS EVER GONNA GET SO. personally i'm considering this the locked in, canonical ending for them because it's just SO perfect.

this idea that goku wanted to provide a sense of closure regarding their rivalry,, the fact that vegeta was just on board with dying like this before his time simply because he didn't want to live without goku,,, GOKU KNOWING THIS AS TRUE AND EVEN DECIDING THAT HE WANTED TO DIE ALONGSIDE VEGETA IN THE FIRST PLACE... OH THANK YOU DRAGON BALL ONLINE THANK YOU SO MUCH <3

i desperately wish i had more info on this to tell you, but i never played the game and the wiki is painfully short so !! like i wonder how long they were traveling before they found a planet far enough away,, if it took years to see the supernova then they must have been traveling for a very very long time. ALSO A SUPERNOVA??? HOW FUCKING SEXY IS THAT LOL, I LOVE SPACE/STAR IMAGERY IN TERMS OF KAKAVEGE (COUGH YOU ARE THE SUN AND I AM JUST THE PLANETS SPINNING AROUND YOU COUGH COUGH) to think that their simultaneous deaths erupted in a supernova...... god it jsut warms my heart so much THANK YOU dragon ball online

Kakavege Canon Stuff:

and nice timing, i was just looking for someone to talk with about this particular scene LOL

i'm rewatching dbz rn and i'm really obsessed with this one little filler arc that happens immediately after the saiyan arc. vegeta's on his way to some freeza planet to heal up, and goku's hospitalized. it's not very much content bc it's actually just a little side-thing that's shown while the Real filler is happening but i still love it regardless

i'm soo obsessed with this cinematic parallel here LOL i love that they're both healing from this battle at the same time but theyre also both thinking about what happened like. a LOT lol, pretty much any time either of them are on screen they're thinking about the fight that just happened HAHA

vegeta is literally floating in a healing pod dreaming about the fight whispering "kakarot" over and over?? and goku keeps sneaking out of the hospital to train for when vegeta comes back??

it's so cute LOL goku keeps like. getting out of bed and trying to train for when vegeta gets back and they're all like dude,,, ur seriously injured pls just stay in bed LOL

ITS HARD TO TELL BUT HE'S DOING SIT UPS HERE LOL

even outside of kakavege i think this is so fucking cute LOL HE'S LIKE "GUYYYSSS I'M FINE JUST LET ME TRAIN" AND THEYRE LIKE GOKU LMFAOFJDSJKFH YOURE IN A FULL BODY CAST....

but this concept that he's pushing himself wayyyy past his limits because he's so excited to fight vegeta again is just so precious wahhhh

ALSO THERES THIS ONE REALLY GOOD SCENE WHERE IT SHOWS VEGETA THINKING ABOUT GOKU AND THEN IT CUTS TO GOKU RANDOMLY PUNCHING THE AIR AND EVERYONE IS LIKE "GOKU?? WTF" AND HE'S LIKE "LOL SORRY I GOT EXCITED"AHAHKJFDSHA IM ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH THE LIKE. PARALLELS BETWEEN THEM WHERE THEYRE JUST BOTH THINKING ABOUT EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME ITS SO CUTE

i cant show it very well in screenshots but trust me the scene transition from vegeta talking abt the fight to goku just punching the air?? is so cute

if u wanna see it for urself i'll link it here, timestamp is 9:49

idk i just love it a lot LOL I KNOW ITS KINDA SMALL AND SEEMS LIKE IM REALLY GRASPING HERE BUT,, IDK I MEAN. the way the show sets it up so that's its like. vegeta in a healing pod saying "kakarot" (and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS IN THE SCENE BTW HE'S JUST LIKE. "KAKAROT,,," AND THEN IT TRANSITIONS AHHA FDJH) and then immediately cuts to goku trying to sneak out of the hospital to train for vegeta's return (or smth similar)?? like the show is obviously trying to set up this parallel here between them and like. idk whether this is intentional or not but it DOES come off pretty gay imo LMAODJFJH

AND LIKE. OKAY i know vegeta's excuse is revenge and i know goku's excuse is wanting to protect earth when vegeta returns but,,, u also have to remember that goku LET VEGETA GO FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF SEEING HIM AGAIN LOL SO LIKE. basically this whole scene is goku being like "omg i'm too excited i can't just sit here in the hospital?? i have to train i have to be ready for him" LOL

this entire little filler is just so... like idk i feel like. during the fight they both had some wild thoughts and emotions flying around that they couldn't really sit down and piece together at that time (because.... they were amidst a life or death battle LOL) but this downtime is really important, like the seed has been planted and now they're both gonna spend time sitting here stewing and thinking about each other?? like this is IT, this is the first of many, many times that they'll be thinking about one another. this is how feelings start blooming hehe

one more thing, there's this scene where goku sneaks out of the hospital successfully and goes to train in the middle of nowhere but he overexerts himself terribly and falls, and as he's about to fall to his death he starts thinking about vegeta LOL

THIS HAPPENS A LOT BUT WHENEVER GOKU IS ABOUT TO DIE HE HAS A HABIT OF USING VEGETA AS LIKE. AN ANCHOR TO KEEP HIMSELF ALIVE AND PUSH FORWARD LOL

LIKE THIS INFAMOUS SCENE FROM MUCH LATER ON:

GOKU'S ON THE EDGE OF GETTING HIS ASS ABSOLUTELY KICKED AND HE STARTS HALLUCINATING ABOUT VEGETA?/AHGHADHFJJSDHGF

OKAY REWIND PLEASE I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS SCENE.

OKAY,,, LIKE. OKAY. OBVIOUSLY, WHY IS HE NAKED. OBVIOUSLY. GOKU?? HELLO????

BUT THIS JUST FUCKING PROVESHAHSDH GOKU USES VEGETA AS LIKE. A SOURCE OF COMFORT WHEN HIS BACK IS AGAINST A WALL!! HE USES VEGETA TO PUSH HIMSELF JUST AS MUCH AS VEGETA USES GOKU TO PUSH HIMSELF !! THEY'RE LITERALLY SO FDHSGJHKBDG

I COULD TALK ALL DAY ABOUT THE SCENE WHERE VEGETA GETS ALL VULNERABLE BEFORE DYING AND BEGS GOKU TO KILL FREEZA AND THEN GOKU BURIES HIM BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SO SO EMOTIONAL BUT I HAVE TO STOP HERE LOL i'm losing my mind

[i-need-some-mint-tea]

Bottled up emotions

(From Janus’s point of view)

Word count: 1,082

TW: caps, yelling, burying emotions, implied depression, implied u!patton

I had already internalized that I was a flaw. I have always heard it, whether it be from Virgil, Roman, or Patton. I never really believed them, but the more something is said… the more you think it’s true. It is true! I am a flaw, only chains holding Thomas down. Thomas had probably always believed I was a flaw. Though… when he said it, I didn’t expect it to hurt so much. Yes, I always knew he saw me as a flaw, though I would’ve never expected it to be like shards of glass in my chest. Like Roman’s sword straight through my heart. Up until that point, I had a tiny bit of hope that Thomas didn’t see me as a flaw. That hope was shattered as soon as he said those words that I was only here because I was a flaw.

So I hid that pain. I mean, I am the embodiment of lies, am I not? I am part snake, most commonly represented as liars! I hate my scales. They remind me that I am but a flaw. Something holding everybody else back. I thought Lovecraft would help. That I’d feel something other than this… this guilt. Reading helped at first! It drowned out all horrid feelings, and bad thoughts. But it slowly lost its zest that once so enchanted me.

It had never occurred to me how much I was withdrawing from the others until Logan came to check on me. He asked if I was okay, and I said I was. I knew that he knew that something wasn’t right, but he left me in peace. Though once he left, I was hyper aware of this loneliness that I had buried. Others came to check on me, and left. They asked what I was doing, and I said that I was engrossed in a book.

I was left alone in my room, the warm glow of the fireplace no longer comforting me. There were books strewn across the wooden floor, with my shelves of books unorganized. Then, I heard a knock. I grumbled, “Come in..” and Logan stepped in. “Janus, I do have a suspicion that something else is going on,” he said, walking up to where I layed on my bed. He pulled up a beanbag and sat in it, facing me, waiting patiently for me to speak. I sighed, “Logan, I am fine, I assure you.”

Logan smirked a bit and I knew he was about to pull a fact on me. “The most common falsehood told is people saying the words ‘I’m fine’ despite, in fact, not being alright.” He continued, “You, from what I gather as well as your state, just said a falsehood.” Sometimes I forget how very smart Logan is. “Janus, by your body language, you’re stressed. You’ve enclosed yourself in here for two weeks. Something has got to be wrong,” Logan looked at me intently.

“I’m..” I was about to finish that statement when a wave of emotion washed over me. I was about to cry. “I’m.. I’m not fine. I haven’t ever been fine,” I choked out as I started to cry. At first I tried to hold back the tears, but then I couldn’t. All those feelings hit me like they were a hurricane and I was a lone house. I put my face in my hands. “I’m just a flaw. Almost everyone says it, even Patton once did! You know I’m just a flaw!” I spat. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, and I saw Logan looking at me. For once, he was showing emotion on his face. He looked genuinely concerned.

“Janus. You are not a flaw-“ he began, but I cut in, “I am! I always have been! Look at me, I am a goddamn snake. A SNAKE! A LIAR! I only make it harder for everyone, even Thomas said so! You see how Patton looks at me, he looks at me like I’m some sort of goddamn disease! I hate my scales, look at them! They remind me of everything that I CAN’T be!” I had stood up, looking down on Logan. “I am not anything useful! I’m not something as essential as logic!” I gestured at him, “I’M A LIAR, I’M HORRIBLE AND BAD! NOBODY LIKES ME, NOT EVEN MYSELF! I’M JUST THIS FUCKED UP PART OF THOMAS WHO NOBODY NEEDS! I AM NOT NEEDED!” I yelled. I suddenly felt so tired and sad. I collapsed onto the floor. “I’m… not needed..” I whispered, half to myself.

I felt Logan grab my shoulders. “Hey. You are needed. You’re needed for self care, you’re needed for preservation.” He pulled me into a hug. “You’re needed. You’re essential,” Logan murmured. He dryly laughed, “Sometimes I don’t feel needed.” “What? How? You’re logic!-“ then I remembered how nobody listened to him. I even put him on the sidelines. I wriggled out of the hug. As he met my eyes, I looked away. “I want to apologize for putting you on the sidelines, Logan. I shouldn’t have done that,” I said earnestly. “It’s quite fine. I’m used to it,” he answered, seemingly confused why I apologized.

I looked at him again, “You shouldn’t be used to it. It’s not right. Out of all of the sides, you should be listened to the most. But you’re not. You should be heard and seen, you have interesting things to say and bring to the table.” Logan tilted his head and looked thoughtful for a minute. I quietly chuckled, he always takes a moment to think. It’s quite endearing. I love when he does that. He always says something so insightful after. Logan started to speak again, “Well, while you are right that I should be listened to, you should also be listened to.”

I laughed, and Logan looked confused, “Hey, if we continue to say how the other needs to be listened to, we’ll be here for hours.” Logan adjusted his glasses, “I suppose you are right,” he says. “Logan? Thank you for… y’know,” I shrugged, “caring about me.” Logan chuckled, “It’s common human decency. Also, I know you’d do the same for me,” he smiled. Logan started to leave.

“Wait!” I yelled, then cringed at how needy I must sound. Logan turned around, “Yes?” I hesitated, “Would you like to stay and talk about Edgar Allen Poe or Lovecraft?” As soon as I said that, Logan lit up. “I’d love to,”

@imma-potatoo, I know you said you’d like to be tagged... so... here it is! Hope you enjoy!

[archivedatl]

Old Blogs

Howdy. I’ve noticed some concern over the loss of my old blogs here n’ there so I decided to post all of them in one large, comprehensive blog-a-verse. Hope this brings a smile to a few faces. Our Street Corners Keep Secrets This is me asking for a brick to be thrown through my window,
a message attached that reads, "Why can’t you just wake up?"
I am not a star,
don’t look up to me in hopes of finding something more.
That which is out of reach does not promise anyone a goddamn thing.
Hope arises in possibility,
but possiblity is fragmented and selfish,
so don’t think for a second that I am safe ground to walk on.
I will sink beneath the feet of a thousand travelling companions,
and make ruin of any city’s foundations,
because concrete and steel can never tell a soul how it feels.
Our street corners keep secrets, and our road signs only suggest,
never deciding for us,
never knowing if the destination to which they lead,
is where we truely belong.
Life’s greatest tragedy is not that it will some day end,
but that most of us just live to follow directions,
and many times we end up totally lost. I am a landmine. Sometimes I break down so hard you can hear it, and when I can stand to come near it with means to repair, the chances of walking out unscathed are slim to none.
I know because I’m one; a victim of second-hand breakdowns and bad impressions, made under intoxicated conditions with poorly lit expressions. And I regret not going back, I regret not missing flights, I regret not asking for more and taking chances that I can only hope will not be forgotten. My fingers are crossed.

I-O-U.

Now my telephone’s dead and I can’t stand to hold out like this, but I’m constantly checking myself so as not to be a burden. Anything too heavy eventually gets dropped, no matter the cost. Let me be light as a feather, but valued enough so as to remain in a back pocket, until those jeans need washing and I find my place on a bedside table, to be read aloud on nights when memories and prying needs return to haunt the foundations of this room.

Pick me up,
Read me every now and then,
I won’t disappoint.
*I am* witty and engaging so bless me with attention, because I’m *dying* for attention *without* any means of telling *you*. I’ll talk the talk, you take care of the rest. What up thugs?

I’m alive and well, realizing how eternally grateful I am for everything going on in my life day by day... Its a lot like learning to walk - at least, that’s how I’d like to think of it. We’ve all been there, so I won’t waste your time painting a pretty picture of how it all goes down...
I want to talk about other things...
First and foremost, I’ve come to understand that as of late there have been a lot of people finding this little piece of my life tucked away on the web; moreso than usual, and for that reason, I’d like to extend my proverbial hand to anyone and everyone who may have something - anything to say to me. Thank you for taking an interest in who I am and what I’m attempting to do with my life. I am opening myself up, as much as possible, to anyone who may be interested. All I ask is that whoever you may be, wherever you may be, understand that I am only human - two hands, ten fingers, and a life... I’ve received a few messages from people, upset that I haven’t been able to respond to their previous comments or private messages, and who now probably think less of me for it. I hope this isn’t the case, but its bound to happen. What I’m saying is that I don’t live my life on the internet... I’m sorry if there’s a message I never got around to responding to... I’m just not that good at keeping up with reality, let alone a virtual one. I will, however, try harder from now on... And understand that even if I don’t respond, I probably have read your message. I don’t just clear my inbox and move on. Thats plain rude. :)

To all my good friends,
the ones I should talk to more often,
the ones I left back home,
the ones I will never stop loving,
thank you for still hugging me when I come home...
I know I don’t always show it,
but I’m forever indebted to you all for everything you’ve ever done for me...

That brings me to my second point.
The closest friends you’ll ever have are the ones you’d take a bullet for,
but they’re the ones you constantly feel you could put a bullet in as well. ;)

Think about that one.

That’s it for now. I can’t believe I’m up at 5:14am. Touring has made me an insomniac, but I feel fucking great.

Have a good one y’all,

Me Lawyers and Liars I am a liar.
I am self absorbed.
I am in this for me.
I am seeking recognition.
I am not concerned with politics.
I am attempting to rise to the top.
I am never going to forget my intentions.
I am allowed to worry about my own life above the lives of others.

-------AFTER ALL---------

I am human. Part Deux: Colors, Sounds and Feather-Downs 
Current mood: happy I had a long, goofy conversation several weeks ago with an interesting girl who I haven’t seen since, in a diner I have yet to revisit, but it stirred up some thoughts that I found pretty interesting. Maybe I’m just nuts. Anyhow, the discussion began on a simple basis; I inquired as to what her favorite color might be. She said she didn’t know. I replied, "How can you not know? Its a simple question." -- She paused, looking sort of surprised, as if someone had never pressed her for an answer before, and then replied, "Well... It changes... Today its yellow."

I didn’t know what to say...
I didn’t understand.

How can your favorite color just change?
What happened to yesterday’s favorite color?
If, on a whim, something of such esteem and value can be replaced with another, then on what grounds was it ever of any more value to begin with?
When I was little, my favorite color was green. It stayed that way, no matter what I said to be trendy at the time (IE. 8th grade was my "black is such a raw and expressive pigment" phase, but everyone goes through that shit.) As of late, I’ve become more partial to blue - Light blue in particular, but that’s not that important. My point is that something happened that caused me to send green packing, and to fall absolutely head-over-heels for blue.
(Stay with me on this...)
Now, such a dramatic change in attraction doesn’t just happen - I mean shit, I know we’re only talking about colors here, but this kind of switch-a-roo has only happened ONCE in my entire life. Green ---> Blue. Just like that. Must mean somthing, right?
Pablo Picasso went through a "blue period", at which time he was broke and mourning the loss of a dear friend. There’s a similarity there somewhere.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am by no means depressed, nor do I have any reason to be, but perhaps color - every, individual hue, represents to each of us a state of being, and in turn, helps us to deal with whatever it is we may be going through. I’m not talking mood-ring shit here. What I mean is that there are things - simple things - that without our knowing, mean the world to us and when they change, they change for our own good, because whether we like it or not, we are looking out for ourselves. We do it unconsciously - But we do it. We do it to stay happy and to stay alive... And above all else, that’s what matters.
On this note, I’d like to attempt to make my point - Don’t throw yourself out on another’s whim. People change, as do intentions and as a result, consequences. Live for yourself - love those around you, but realize that they’ve got their own agendas. People will screw you - You will screw people... Green ---> Blue. Get it? I’m not sure I do... Always consider that your life will venture in new directions, but be aware that other’s will do the same, and in accordance, understand that to be happy, people must exist in their own light, cast in and of themselves, not by the light of their peers. Conflict will arise because of this. Conflict is to be expected; conflict is a part of life. Find ways to work through conflict, even if it means picking a new favorite color...


I hope this makes a little sense.


I’m tired and rambling, and perhaps just a misguided fool, but I think there’s something in this - something that I am learning and accepting as my fingers punch these keys to an inviting, hypnotic rhythm. I feel like they’re leading me somewhere, and I’ve decided to follow.

____I’m going to bed. Take from this what you will.

Love,

Alexander William Gaskarth

*I feel fine* The first of many, I hope. 
Current mood: happy So I’ve decided to spill it; the beans, the juice, my guts... Whatever you want to call it, consider it spilled. Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of keeping just about everything true about myself, to myself... and for good reason - what people don’t know, people can’t use against you. I guess that’s my first confession. I fucking despise the way people operate. The way people go out of their way to find things out, only to throw them senselessly (BLINDLY) into conversation later. I don’t know if its intentional, (I guess that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t,) but frankly, it gets to me. Its the same kind of prying aggravation I feel when someone starts moving shit around in my car, or on my computer table. Stop putting hills in my rugs! Please. Call me OCD but if I put something somewhere, chances are, I wanted it there and it should remain that way. Its the same for anyone else. Let one’s own business remain that way. Anyway. I’ve fallen into a depression lately - not emotionally per say, but I feel like my ability to open up to people has peaked over the past two years. I used to be so ready to say anything, without caring how it affected me, but recently I’ve become so protective of myself, not because I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, but because I might make myself look bad. It’s disgusting. I never used to be so self-absorbed. Its like in every situation, I’m wearing a mask... Not just one mask, in fact, but many masks; Masks to hide masks between people - to hide certain sides of myself from those who disapprove where others don’t. I try so hard to win the approval of everyone. Why? Fucked if I know. I just love being the center of attention I guess. And all this time I thought myself to be humble. No sir. But then, who really is humble? Everyone wants to be loved, right? So am I wrong in looking out for my own well being? Who knows? It makes me sick to my stomach, regardless. I’ve unknowingly stumbled across so many insecurities lately that I feel like a different person at times. It’s like I’ve been born all over again, to a world where I have to carry myself differently. I’m still opinionated, I’m still eagerly in search of answers, but my motives have changed. I do it for myself now; for the praise and admiration I earn as a result of my actions, not for the simple pleasure found in just "doing it". Maybe its all just part of growing up, as they say. Maturing... You know? But does it continue to change? Will I stop acting like such an asshole? Who knows. It worries me. I don’t want to be like this, but its who I’ve become... What’s worse is that I don’t know who or what to blame for the transformation. That would be too easy, right? I digress. I’ve got a lot of things on my plate. My dreams are coming true right before my very eyes - I have a band - We’re going somewhere - This time next year I hope I’m far, far away from this place. I want to see Japan. I’ve wanted to see Japan for a while now; call it a calling. Haha. I don’t know what I want when I get there - I don’t even like the hustle of big cities for too long. Gives me a headache. But there’s something about it. I’ll see it soon enough. The repetition of every day life kills. It ruins the flow of my creative juices. No joke. On days that I sleep in, I go to bed feeling exhausted, and yet, I never sleep on the weekends, when I should want rest. I don’t. It would be a waste of freedom. Why spend time on parole in seclusion, you know? I’m only tired on weekdays - only when I know I have to drag myself out of my fucking room to take a shower and go to school, and then to work. Maybe I’m not tired. Maybe it’s just a natural defense against running myself into the ground with routine. I feel pale, and sick, and run down... For no reason. I eat right. I see the light of day. I breathe fresh air all the time. I love the outdoors. Shit. I love my life. But between Monday and Thursday I feel so transient... My head isn’t in the clouds - My feet aren’t on the ground. Where am I? I don’t know, but frankly, it sucks. I have some good friends. We get hammered sometimes and forget about everything. The occasional dramatic scene is worth it. People naturally don’t get along with one another. It’s all a matter of how tolerant people are. I have some tolerant friends. In turn, I think I put up with my share of bullshit. It’s like a cycle of tough loving. But it works. It keeps me sane. In the end I think we really do love each other. Awww. I also like to kiss people. It gets me into trouble sometimes. Whatever. Certain individuals need to stop looking for love in the wrong places. --I can’t talk. --I’ve found love in the worst places. --Its not an easy thing to deal with. --Doesn’t change the way I feel about them. --Its ok. --As long as I’m happy. There I go being selfish again. ___I’m done confessing for now. Take from this what you will. Love, Alexander William Gaskarth *I feel better.*

[lightcomingthroughthedarkness]

Do u think it was a mistake for Bob to not address the allegations right after the ex's statement came out? No point in addressing it now after the shitty response E got after denying the cheating. Not saying that he owed explanation to random assholes on the internet, but wonder if harassment wouldn't have been as severe if he had. What do u think? This just breaks my heart and affirms my decision not to join Twitter.

You are right, he doesn't owe anyone an explanation. People on social media are not entitled to information about their personal lives. I know some people say A made it public, therefor he should have responded publicly. I disagree. He can still choose to deal with this privately. Personally I don't know how else to tell people that actors aren't obligated to share their live with fans. They aren't elected officials, they weren't voted into office by us to speak for us, they did not make promises to fans. They're just actors. Which is why there's so much wrong with the celebrity culture we live in. We project onto famous people and WILL them into being what we want them to be or we idealize them in our head and then are utterly shocked when they turn out to be very flawed and very human. Just like you and me. They just happened to be on TV. We make it their responsibility to live up to the person we think they are and when they fall from that picture in our head, we blame the actor. Instead of looking within ourselves and asking ourselves why we let strangers on TV control so much of our emotional well being.

Because I have a lot of asks about this that I have left unanswered, I will answer this one only. I will not be answering any asks about A. I will just delete them. I'll answer this ask in two parts (Bob and Fandom) and then hopefully maybe the timeline can just move on.

Bob.

I don't know if he should have addressed the allegations or not. I'm left wondering.. would it have mattered if he did? If we break it down, it all comes down to the same thing to me. I will not say that A lied in her statement. Lets say Bob disagreed with her on some of the allegations. Maybe he had his own interpretation of events. What would have happened if he responded to it? It would have created a "she said/he said" situation. How would that have helped any of them? It still would have made people harass him and call him a liar and suppressing a woman's voice. And it would have cause a very private matter to be blasted on social media where it absolutely does not need to be.

Lets say Bob had acknowledged any wrongdoings and apologized if indeed there had been any cause for an apology. Would he not have been harassed? If anything, people would have felt their harassment would have been justified since he'd be "guilty". I'm not saying acknowledging wrongdoings is a bad thing but it also comes back to the same point I made earlier. A private matter would have been blasted on social media for strangers to judge. And it would not have stopped the harassment either.

So how should Bob had handled the situation at all? He chose not to handle it in public. He chose to remove himself from fandom's expectations of him and deal with this privately. How, we don't know. It's not our information to know. Like I said, he is a famous actor, but we are not entitled to his person.

Fandom.

At the end of the day, I don't think whether or not Bob addressing the allegation is the problem here. I think it's about fans. Fandom was presented with information that shook us all deeply. It causes a whiplash of emotions for all of us because we had built this actor up in our minds, we had a clear picture of who we thought he was or wasn't, we made this stranger an idealized version of a man we wanted him to be. Then someone poked a hole in that and it caused a crisis.

I think fandom wants Bob to address the allegations so fandom can process what is or isn't true so we can react and feel accordingly. A lot of fans don't know how to feel about this and we feel like there's a puzzle piece we aren't getting, so fans don't know how to identify feelings. Fans don't know in which box to place Bob. Fans don't know which parts are true, which aren't, which can be explained etc and most of all, fans don't know what to do to restore the mental picture of someone they looked up to and it is causing a lot of stress and emotional pressure. Fandom wants Bob to give us the puzzle piece we think will help get our emotions in line and restore, rebuild or change the picture in our minds. Bob not dealing with this in public leaves people feeling like this is unfinished. And we desperately can't stay here so we need answers, right?

The tricky thing here is, we are not entitled to those answers. They are real people, living real lives. Fandom just has to find a way to deal with this and to support them or not support them without any answers other than the ones we've gotten. It's our responsibility to look within. It is not famous people's responsibility to be a role model, they never asked for that. It's not their responsibility to be our safe place, they are human too. It's not their responsibility to fix what we need fixing. They are not beholden to us just because we crossed emotional and mental boundries to them.

I personally am doing well. I still like Bob and Eliza. I've seen the statments from A, from Eliza, from Eliza's mother and everything that's been happening online for weeks and I'm comfortable supporting Bob and Eliza's professional work while simultaneously acknowledging the fact that I do not know these people privately. And therefor, whenever I want to, I can choose to step aside and know, this is not my life. I will not project onto Bob and Eliza but rather support their professional work from the (sort of) comfort of my lumpy couch. They are not beholden to me because I am fan. That's on me. It's my responsibility to be the kind of fan/supporter that fits me. And I have no intention of condemning anyone or taking part in "cancel culture" of people I don't even know and about lives I have not been invited into. And I have absolutely no intention whatsoever to allow 19 year olds on stan twitter to tell me who I am, what I should feel or what is wrong or right. I can do that for myself, thank you very much.

Life does not happen in and around stan twitter. Acknowledge your insignificance and act accordingly. And hopefully the timeline will move on.

[starkerforlife6969]

@starkermoodboards hi friendo um imma just request a thing then leave. can u do like a v soft like pastel peter with gang leader tony? and like maybe peter had a bf before tony and the bf was an asshole so tony just like helps peter then swoops off with the soft boi. and like all the fluff plz. ily friendo!!!!!!!!! sorry if you don’t want requests :(

TW: mentions of abuse (Peter’s bf is abusive) + violence

The boy walks past exactly on time.

Tony grins, pushing off his bike and wolf-whistling. Peter stops, face breaking into a wide smile, as he glances both ways down the road before skipping over like the little wood sprite he is. He’s carrying two cups, and he holds one out for Tony with a shy little smile.

Goddamn, Peter Parker is beautiful. This morning Tony had to press his gun hard against the temple of some moron, and now, he’s watching as the sunrise glints red over Peter’s beautiful, honey eyes. “I got you a coffee!” Peter beams, his beat up brown satchel strap almost slipping off one shoulder. It tugs the fluffy pink pastel sweater further down; showing a tantalising slip of that gorgeous white collar.

Tony takes it warmly. This close to Peter, he has to look down at the tiny boy, and Peter has to crane back to look up at him. The boy is so small, Tony could envelop him in his arms. He wants to feel Peter cuddled up in his leather, wants to see the boy squeal as Tony takes him for a ride on his bike.

“Thank you, gorgeous,” he drawls, watching as Peter blushes again. “Did you get yourself a hot chocolate?”

Pretty honey eyes slide away. The kid’s a shit liar. His face is so open, so expressive. Tony’s grateful. He doesn’t like liars, and Peter’s face is too beautiful to be hiding anything.

“Pete…” he mutters, and Peter laughs shakily, readjusting his strap and shrugging as he sips from his cup.

He winces a little at the taste, though he tries frantically to hide it. Tony frowns. Peter looks away. “Um, no, it’s just- Dave thought maybe- I should cut back a little on- he thought I-“ Peter laughs again, but it’s a horrible sounding thing. “This is a low-fat black coffee, it’s- it’s nice, really.” He insists.

Anger spreads through him- a furious hatred to the man he’s never met, a pure, dangerous loathing, as he reaches out and grabs the offending drink from Peter’s dainty hand.

“Tony!” Peter exclaims, reaching out for it, “it’s okay, honestly-“

“Do you even know how beautiful you are?” Tony snarls, so angry he can hardly appreciate the gorgeous glow on Peter’s cheek- that little delighted sparkle he gets in his eyes at a compliment. Like he’s not used to them. Like he’s not used to someone telling him he’s perfect. “You don’t have to change a fucking thing, baby. I’m gonna put a bullet in his head if he ever-“

“Tony!” Peter exclaims again, softer this time. “It’s okay, really.”

He hasn’t even realised he’s destroyed both their drinks. His thick fingers breaking through the paper cups so hot liquid is trickling down his hands onto the ground. It’s not boiling, thankfully, but Peter would never give him a drink too hot. The boy is perfect.

“Come here,” Tony whispers, tugging Peter in for a hug. Peter squeaks in surprise, before melting into him. He fits so perfectly into Tony’s chest, those thick, soft curls nestled under Tony’s chin. Tony wants to keep him here. Keep him safe.

It’s almost unreal, knowing someone like Peter Parker. But Tony’s nephew- Harley- had talked about a boy who hadn’t snitched when Harley had needed an alibi for his whereabouts on a Saturday night. One Peter Parker had promised that he and Harley had been at the library; studying, and because of Peter’s impeccable record, the police had believed him.

Tony doesn’t think Harley’s ever even set foot in the library.

But he’d tailed the so called Peter Parker, to see if he was someone they’d have to worry about, and what he’d found was the most gorgeous set of eyes, and friendly smile, and someone who didn’t seem to care that Tony smelt of gun smoke and was so quick to violence that any other person would’ve flinched-

Peter never did. He was sweet and open and appallingly good-natured. So trusting and delicate, that Tony had vowed in that moment to protect him.

To love him. Forever.

“I gotta go to class,” Peter murmurs apologetically, even as he burrows further into Tony’s shirt. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll be here, baby,” he promises, reaching for a cigarette. Peter nods, smiling.

“Stay safe, Tony!”

Tony chuckles at that, and is so fucking endeared as Peter waves at him as he bounds off into the distance.

“That boy is somethin’ else,” Bucky mutters, appearing out of nowhere to straddle his bike. “Looks like a fuckin’ princess, boss. If anyone knew he was with you, they’d-“

“Well that won’t happen.” Tony snaps, blowing smoke out of his mouth angrily. “Because he’s got our protection, doesn’t he?”

“Sure he does.” Bucky promises. “I wouldn’t let anything happen to him.”

Tony nods at him. “That’s why you’re my second.”

* Peter’s a few minutes late the next morning. It’s drizzly, but warm, but the rain feels dirty on Tony’s skin. His leather’s hung up on his bike’s handles, and his tank top is stained with motor oil.

It’s only a few minutes, but it’s enough to have him worrying. His hand keeps fingering the trigger of his gun- before Peter appears.

He’s in white denim shorts, his long, cream legs on display before they go into frilly white socks and neat high tops- the laces done up to little bows. His sweater is bright yellow on the grey day- much too big for him, it nearly hides his shorts, as he bounds over. He’s got a brown backpack on today, and his hair looks messier than usual. it’s adorable.

The very sight of him makes Tony’s cock twitch, and the hand around his heart loosens in relief.

“Tony! I think it’s gunna rain!” He cries, rushing towards him. “I didn’t bring an umbrella!” He pouts, and Tony wants to ravish him.

Peter leaps into Tony’s arms, hugging him tightly, and Tony breathes him in. He smells of strawberry body wash and lemon shampoo, and something floral- fragrant and warm. “You’re late, gorgeous,” he whispers, “I was worried.”

“Sorry,” Peter says earnestly, though he doesn’t offer an excuse. “Hey, Bucky,”

“Doll.” Bucky nods, allowing a small smile.

“You can take my jacket.” Tony murmurs, though in reality he’s been looking for an opportunity to see Peter in his clothes for a long time. “Protect your little sunshine outfit from the rain.”

Peter’s cheeks flood rose, but he shakes his head. “Oh, no, I couldn’t!”

“Baby, I’m insisting-“

“No, Tony, really,” Peter says, voice more worried. “It’s better if-“ he reaches out, to stop Tony from picking up his jacket, and that’s when the sleeve of his sweater slides up, and Tony freezes as he sees the dark blue bruise around Peter’s delicate wrist.

Bucky lets out a hiss behind him, and Peter frowns- before realising, and jerking his hand back.

“It’s nothing!” He cries, sleeve falling back down. “I-Tony-“

“Did he do this?” Tony whispers, trying to keep his voice low. He doesn’t want to scare Peter. Not his perfect boy. How could someone do this? To a boy so beautiful? So sweet? Peter is a ball of sunshine and good intentions- only wants the best for everyone- is the most darling slip of a thing- the most beautiful-

“It was an accident!” Peter cries, “i swear, he didn’t mean to- he’s never- never hurt me before, we were just fighting and he- he didn’t want me to go so he grabbed my hand, but he’s- he’s never hurt me before, Tony, I swear.”

Tony stares into those honey eyes for a long time, before he nods. Peter’s telling the truth. He can see that. He brings Peter’s wrist to his mouth and kisses it- very softly. “I believe you, sweetheart. It was the first time. But it was also the last time.” No one will ever mar this skin again.

“Tony, don’t-“ crystal tears gather in those gorgeous eyes, “- don’t hurt him.”

“I’m gonna do a lot worse than that-“

“Tony.” Peter hiccups, flinging himself into Tony’s arms. “Promise.”

Tony lifts Peter up- he’s so goddamn light- and sets him on his bike. “I promise.” He mutters, reluctantly, but he looks at Bucky meaningfully. His second nods in understanding. “Now, Pete, look at me, baby.”

Peter does- so trusting, so open- Tony adores him.

“You’re gonna break up with him, okay? Today, Peter. Is that okay?”

Peter nods slowly. “That’s okay.” He whispers. “I don’t think he- I don’t think he really likes me anyway.”

Who gives a shit what that bastard likes? Tony thinks. It’s about Peter. Who Peter likes. “I like you.” He murmurs. “I really like you.”

Peter goes a furious red. “I like you too.”He mumbles.

“Aww.” Bucky goes, and Tony glares at him.

* Healing takes a long while, but Tony has time.

He buys Peter frothy hot chocolates teeming with whipped cream and marshmallows. Tells him how beautiful he is everyday. Over and over and over again, and some days Peter has trouble believing it- but other days, he giggles like he’s beginning to think it’s true.

Tony only ever touches him gently. Because Peter is something to be cherished. His touch is soft, adoring, and Peter nuzzles into him for comfort and safety, and then just because he wants to.

Peter is a vision on Tony’s bike. Tony’s going to buy Peter one of his own- a nice little red number. Something sexy for his boy.

And then when Peter’s ready, Tony’s going to fuck him so deeply that Peter’s toes will curl- and he won’t remember anyone else. Won’t remember ever being with anyone else.

Tony will worship him. Adore him. Treat him how he should always have been treated.

“Well goddamn, pretty boy,” Tony hisses, a long time later, when Peter pads into the bedroom in nothing but Tony’s leather jacket and a pair of pink panties. “Are you trying to kill me, baby?” He reaches out with greedy hands, hoisting Peter into his lap, so those perfect legs are straddling his thighs and he can touch that brilliant skin.

“I’m pretty?” Peter whispers, ducking his head shyly. He needs reassurance. Everyone still does, sometimes.

“That’s the understatement of the century,” Tony groans, voice husky, and Peter beams, nuzzling his neck and pressing butterfly kisses down his throat.

“Will you fuck me, Tony?” He asks innocently, so goddamn gorgeous, and Tony nods- incapable of forming words- “And after- maybe we can order dessert if you- if you want-“

“After I’ve fucked you, baby, I’m gonna get you a whole chocolate fountain, how’s that sound?”

Peter giggles, grinding down eagerly. “Kinda kinky. I’m into it.”

Tony laughs, before capturing those lips for a kiss.

[edelgoth]

mesmerizing (dimitri x reader)

pairing: reader x dimitri alexandre blayddid words: 1900 words genre: fluff!! request:  hi! i’d like to request an imagine pls for fe:th with dimitri. the reader is a dancer and she hides it by showing that she is a skilled fighter until she is seen by dimitri when she practices for the white heron cup since she got selected by the professor. i hope this makes sense, and thank u!! a/n: this is the cutest request in the world thanks for sending it <3 i hope you like it!! 

Nobody was supposed to know. 

You had no idea how the professor had worked it out. But there you sat in front of them, shoulders raised like hackles and fingers clenching your knees. 

“Please,” Byleth implored, expression disturbingly calm . “I’ve run through everyone -- and I mean everyone -- in the class, and you’re the best option.” 

“What about Mercedes?” You asked, refusing to look them in the eyes. 

“I’m sure she’d love to, but we both know she can be a bit...” Byleth turned their eyes to the ceiling, obviously trying to pick the right word. “Absent-minded?” 

“Felix?”

“No force in heaven or on earth could make him dance, let alone to represent the Blue Lions.” 

You bit your lip. That was true; and furthermore, the mental image of Felix dancing was... almost disturbing. Like you weren’t mentally equipped for something so powerful. 

“The thing is, we need to win.” Byleth said, sitting forward in their chair. “I’ve seen you on the battlefield. I know you’re very capable, but there’s something else to your movements --” Byleth looked up again, and you wondered how fast you’d have to be to escape this conversation from hell.

“There’s a certain grace to them,” Byleth said, finally, “if you just applied that natural talent with a few weeks training, I’m convinced we could win this damned White Heron Cup.” 

You stared at your professor. You knew your expression was a grim mask of anxiety. They stared back at you, face as unreadable as always. 

There was no way out of this, was there?

“Fine,” you sighed, slumping your shoulders. 

“Excellent!” Byleth gave you a rare smile. “I’ve spoken with Manuela; would you be able to fit some dance classes into your schedule?”

You nodded, unable to do anything else. Your fingers were digging into your knee so tightly that you thought it might bruise. 

“Don’t be nervous,” Byleth said, so nonchalant that it almost made you angry. 

You just smiled bleakly in response. 

You weren’t sure how you managed to get out of that room, but you did. Head down, fists clenched, and legs moving as fast as you could make them... 

“Ah!” You gasped, stumbling back. You’d collided with what felt like a solid wall. Looking up, you realized--

Oh no, you thought, oh no, no, no.

“I’m so sorry,” Dimitri said, voice laced with genuine remorse and surprise, “are you hurt?”

“I’m fine!” You blurted out. You cursed yourself for responding so quickly. 

“Are you sure?” Dimitri asked. His frown deepened as he looked at your face. “You look unwell. Do you need to--” 

“Honestly fine,” you breathed, trying your best to give him a convincing smile. “Just a little stressed. Classes, you know? Assessments... the ball.”

You could feel your anxiety rising at the mere thought of it. The dance competition was one thing; the ball was a whole other beast. 

“The ball?” Dimtri tilted his head at you. “Why would that be causing you such undue stress?”

You waved a hand at him, hoping it didn’t come across as frantic. You knew you were bright red in the face already. No need to make it worse. 

“It’s silly, don’t worry about it,” you said, avoiding eye contact. That in itself was nothing special; you always struggled to look him in the eye. It was just too overwhelming. 

“I’ve got to go,” you gave a poor semblance of a bow, and rushed off before he could even respond. 

Of all the people, you thought, I could have possibly run into... did it have to be him? 

The goddess was cruel, it seemed, and she delighted in your discomfort. 

Did you have a crush on Dimitri? Well, you would’ve said no, absolutely not. Your friends would’ve said otherwise. Annette had a particular fondness for teasing you about it. She’d nearly revealed it to Sylvain -- Sylvain -- one time. You’d never quite recovered. 

No, no, no, you didn’t have time to worry about all that. You had more pressing things to think about. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing was going according to plan. 

You’d hoped to sneak off during the day, to find a nice secluded part of the forest, and to practice until every muscle in your body hurt. It wasn’t your brightest idea, but you felt you didn’t have anywhere else to go. 

The dance lessons hadn’t been much help. You were too nervous. So nervous that you struggled to follow commands. There were just so many other people there, and having Byleth watch you intently was beyond disconcerting. You weren’t going to say that, though; that was rude. But you could tell they regretted choosing you.

It was only two days to the competition. You were horribly out of practice. What even was a pirouette? Could you do one? Sure, but was it graceful? Byleth said so, but you’d decided they were either a liar or a fool. Probably both. 

It seemed the goddess was against you. Every time you thought you could sneak away, something came up. Mercedes needed help carrying some boxes, Annette asked for help on dinner duty, Ashe needed a study buddy... It had all piled up, and you’d lost that precious, precious time. Busy as you were, sneaking off to the forest was looking less and less like an option. And there was no way you were waking up in the early hours of the morning to do so. You had some self-respect. 

Practicing in your room was proving fruitless. There wasn’t enough floor space. And if there were any more bangs and bumps, your neighbours might start asking questions. 

As far as you were concerned, you had one option. 

Was it a good idea to practice in the training room during the dead of night? No. But you weren’t going to the forest, that was for sure. 

All things considered, it wasn’t the worst place to practice. It was quite spacious, and it seemed to absorb sound quite well. Sure, the dusty floor was annoying, but it didn’t ruin the experience. It served a purpose, and honestly? You were desperate. 

And you’d been there for hours. It’d been a while since you’d really thrown yourself into dancing, and that in itself meant you had to brush up. But, you got into the rhythm of it quite quickly. The stiffness melted away, and before long, it was like you hadn’t even been out of practice. You even laid the groundwork for your performance. 

It wasn’t a full routine, but it was something. A bit like a skeleton that you had to add the muscle to. And sure, it wasn’t perfect, but you were almost proud of it. 

You were finally relaxed, your body flowing with ease as you followed the steps you’d laid out for yourself. There was something freeing about letting yourself go, to move so fluidly, stepping and spinning and -- 

Someone was standing in the doorway. 

You didn’t think about it. You dashed to the wall, grabbing a sword off the stand. Without missing a beat, you held it in front of you, ready to face your would-be assailant. 

Dimitri threw his hands up, eyes wide. 

“What are you doing here?” You hissed, lowering your sword with trembling hands. “You-- you nearly scared the life out of me.” 

“I didn’t mean to,” Dimitri said. He sounded genuinely apologetic. “I-- I couldn’t sleep.” 

You stared at him for a second. Your emotions finally began to process. 

Shit, you thought. Shit, shit, shit. 

“I, ah, I’m sorry,” Dimitri scratched the back of his neck, unable to meet your eyes. “I didn’t mean to intrude--”

“No, no,” you waved a hand at him, trying to muster the courage to look at him. “I shouldn’t have been practicing in such a public place.” You “Sorry you had to see that.” 

“Sorry?” Dimitri asked, confusion laced in his voice. You looked up at that, surprising yourself. 

“Don’t apologize,” Dimitri said, “you were... mesmerizing.” 

That’s it, you thought, this is how I die. 

“Now I should be the one apologizing,” Dimitri coughed, cheeks alarmingly red as he looked at his feet. “That was inappropriate for me to say,” he bowed to you, and you wondered if it really was possible for you to explode on the spot. Could you trick Annette into incinerating you with one swift fireball? 

Oh fuck. The realization that you’d already collosally fucked up this interaction slapped you in a face. 

“I- I- thank you,” you groaned, covering your face with your hands. “That’s what I’m supposed to say.” 

Dimitri chuckled. You paused. He chuckled. Did Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd almost laugh at you?

You peeked at him through your fingers. 

“It’s no problem,” he shook his head. “I surprised you. During the middle of the night, no less. Your reaction was perfectly understandable.”

You begged to differ, but you weren’t about to argue the point. “Sorry,” you sighed, looking down. “It’s just that... nobody’s really seen me dance before.” 

“Really?” He sounded genuinely surprised. “But you do it so wonderfully.”

If this boy gives me one more compliment, you thought, I’m going to throw myself in the lake and never be seen again. 

“The professor chose me to represent the Blue Lions for the White Heron Cup, so I’ve been trying to sneak in some practice,” you admitted. “I thought this location would be safe.”

“I’m sorry for intruding on your sanctuary,” Dimitri chuckled again. You were growing to like the sound. 

You shook your head, still not looking at him. “I should’ve expected someone would turn up.” 

You stopped yourself before you could say ‘and I wish it hadn’t been you’. There was no way to explain that statement. 

“Well, I’m glad I did.”

Your head shot up at that. What did he just say? As your eyes caught his, his cheeks bloomed red. 

“I, ah...” Dimitri cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck, “sorry, that was also... irresponsible of me to say.” 

“It’s fine,” you waved a hand at him, unsure of what to say to any of this. All things considered, you were quite proud of yourself for staying on your feet. 

“If it is alright with you, would I be able to... stay?” He asked, the faintest tint of pink on his cheeks. He wasn’t looking at you, fixing his gaze on one of the weapon stands in the corner of the room. You realised that you’d seen him blush more in this one exchange than you had all year. 

“And watch?” You said. You are a colossal idiot, you thought to yourself, if you die here, you have no one to blame but yourself. 

Dimitri chuckled. “I suppose. But only if you were comfortable with it.” 

You thought about it for a long moment. “Okay,” you nodded, ignoring the light, fuzzy feeling in your chest. “Just-- don’t mention this to anyone, okay? Not until the White Heron Cup.”

“I promise,” Dimitri smiled, giving you a small bow. 

“Don’t do that,” you groaned, shaking your head. 

“It seems I have a lot to apologize for tonight,” he chuckled, raising to full height. “I will stop bothering you, at least.” 

He walked to the corner of the room and sat down, offering you what seemed to be an encouraging smile. 

Well, you thought, maybe this isn’t the worst audience to perform for. 

[cxlvins]

...000. INTRODUCTION.

helloooo lovelies ! my name is evan (he/him), i’m twenty-two and from the gmt timezone ! i’m super excited for this to open because i’ve got so much muse right now. i’m down for any and all plots, seriously, i love plotting ! this is calvin, he’s an angry mess of a character, but he’s fun to play, so ! if you just wanna get to know the character, you can skip past the other sections and just focus on personality, i’ve also put some wanted connections in there too ! if you would like to plot, then either shoot me a message here or on discord (heterosexual? how vintage!#8600) or alternatively, like this post and i will message you !

caution: alcohol, drugs, mental health, death.

›› ✱ xavier serrano, cismale, he/him. you’ve met calvin marx, right? they’re around twenty-three and a twitch streamer. they’re all about thrift store clothing and the faint smell of cologne and cigarettes, hence why they’re known as the spitfire around town. everyone knows them to be pretty gregarious but i’ve heard they’re actually sort of volatile, too… don’t tell them i said that, okay?

...001. BRIEF HISTORY.

calvin grew up very underprivileged for the first 11 years of his life in brooklyn, ny.

his father died when he was 5 years old to a drug overdose, leading his mother became a single mother to him and his younger sister, essentially meaning that calvin had to grow up and be the ‘man of the house’ without having a choice.

because of her new single-mother status, calvins mother had to work 3 different jobs in order for the family to pay rent (a cleaner in mornings, a store assistant in the day and a bartender in the evenings), which meant she was rarely home and left calvin to raise both himself and younger sister.

from a very early age, it was apparent that calvin suffered from anger issues, dyslexia and adhd, constantly getting into fights at every opportunity, his complete inability to focus and never managing to make it through a week at school without a phone call home.

these issues remained untreated, due to his mother putting it down to the ‘boys will be boys’ ideology, and concluding that calvin was just an energetic one at that.

because of this, calvin fell into the wrong crowd pretty quickly and settled into his mindset that he was never going to achieve all that much anyway, because no matter how hard he tried, he could never score well on any test at school.

at the age of 9, calvins mother met, fell in love with and soon married a former client for whom she cleaned for.  calvins new step father was incredibly wealthy, due to being a successful franchisee and also being very largely into stock trading.

calvin, his sister and mother were all moved to his home in cherrybrooks, which calvin struggled to adjust to, as he missed his friends back north.

now having access to as much money as he want led him down an early path into experimenting with drugs and alcohol, which soon became a bad habit.

although he wanted to drop out of school, his new step-father would not allow it, which became a large source of conflict for the family over the course of the next few years.

failing to graduate high school at age eighteen, calvin couldn’t deal with living with his family any more and left the house to move into a small apartment, 30 minutes away, with a roommate (possibly a member of the clique).

calvins only real passions were for gaming and sport, and as he smoked and did way too many drugs to make it in any sporting profession, he turned his attention to twitch streaming. he began this pretty soon and built up a solid fanbase (which he wanted to call the marxists, but in calvins words, apparently some dead man already claimed that title).

...002. PERSONALITY.

calvin is a naturally angry person who can lose his cool and go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds, he rarely gives off signs that he is getting angry until he boils over, so people tend to watch what they say around him.

calvin is self-serving, his feelings will always come before those around him. although he is getting better at managing this, if something will result in calvin gaining something at the expense of somebody else, he will most likely go ahead with it.

calvin is not well educated, so he doesn’t tend to enjoy arguing with words, as he can never seem to find the ones to correctly express how he feels. instead, calvin is much more likely to act physically when something has irritated him (whether this be on a person or inanimate object).

calvin is an awful liar, he cannot lie to save his life as his face always tends to show when he doesn’t agree with an idea/opion/thought that somebody says. because of this, he is very outspoken, and will just say what he’s thinking regardless of if it’s going to hurt somebodies feelings. he’d rather upset them with the truth, than get caught out for lying.

calvin is an extrovert and gains energy from being around people - the more people the better, because of this, he has become a major party animal and loves attending any and all parties that is going on, despite if he’s fond of the hosts or not.

calvin is a heavy user of drugs, alcohol & cigarettes. this is primarily down to his naturally addictive personality and constant need to feel like he’s happy, so that he doesn’t get sad again. there will rarely be a day where he will not  be intoxicated in some way and he will have a cigarette at least once an hour – and that’s on a good day.

calvin is very much into sports. although not a natural athlete, nor somebody interested in playing sports competitively, calvin loves watching any and all sports, and he likes to play them when he can. due to his smoking habit, he can’t play sports for too long, but will always give it a good go.

similarly to this, calvin is very much into gaming. calvin loves fast-paced games, because they manage to keep his attention despite him not having a very long attention span. most games that he plays are first person shooters, and he’s usually the guy on the mic screaming when a teammate fucks up during online play. a big appeal to him was that games were the only thing he could focus his mind on as a child.

calvin is very much a boys boy, he genuinely abides by the bible of ‘ bros before hoes ‘ because he’s stupid.

calvin hates movies but loves tv, he finds that watching moves involves sitting still for too long, but tv allows him to take more breaks and keeps his interest for longer. although. he’d probably trade both of them for a chance to leave the house.

...003. TRAITS.

[ G R E G A R I O U S ] (+) — a person fond of company; sociable.

[ I N T U I T I V E ] (+) — using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning; instinctive.

[ F O R T H R I G H T ] (+) — direct and outspoken.

[ V O L A T I L E ] (-) — liable to change rapidly and unpredictably, especially for the worse.

[ V E N G E F U L ] (-) — not willing to forgive or excuse people’s faults or wrongdoings.

[ H E D O N I S T I C ] (-) — engaged in the pursuit of pleasure; sensually self-indulgent.

...004. WANTED CONNECTIONS.

CURRENT BEST FRIENDS — Possibly a boy squad? I live for a good boy squad. This person will have similar interests to Calvin, or be able to tolerate his volatile mood.

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDS — Someone with a similar upbringing from Brooklyn, most likely they grew apart when Calvin moved to Wilmington.

RIDE OR DIES — Although he primarily looks out for himself, I’m down to have Calvin have one person who he’s loyal to and will refuse to betray, we can come up with a fun reason for why he cares so much if you’re interested in this one.

HIS ROOMMATE — Somebody that moved with Calvin into his current apartment when he moved out at 18.

A GOOD INFLUENCE ON CALVIN — One of my favorite connections for Calvin to have is somebody who knows all of his flaws and attempts to help fix them. They’ll have to be patient, though, as Calvin doesn’t see himself for having any issues.

SOMEBODY HE IS A BAD INFLUENCE OF — On the opposite, I love when Calvin has somebody that he can introduce to bad things, corrupt easily and get a kick out of watching the commotion.

EXES ON BAD TERMS — Cheating on each other is usually an easy one to go with, but if you want, we can think of something more unique as to how it all fucked up and why they now hate each other.

EXES ON GOOD TERMS — Maybe they still occasionally fuck? There could still be an attraction there, but just no romantic chemistry. Alternatively, they tried it and both just couldn’t see it going anywhere.

EXES WITH LINGERING FEELINGS — There’s a ton of different reasons for why there’s still lingering feelings. The feelings could be one-sided or both ways.

EX FLINGS — Started as friends with benefits, one of them wanted more, the other didn’t, they decided to stop before someone got hurt.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS — No romantic intention, just a good way to kill time at 2 AM, or maybe it’s easy to know you have someone to go home to if you don’t find someone at a party.

FRIENDS FOR NECESSITY — This friend may not have that much in common with Calvin, they may not really get on in day to day life, but they are always there to get high, attend a party or do something dumb. an easy person to talk to when they’re both bored and wanna get out.

HIS YOUNGER SISTER — If anybody fancies a second character, I’m always down to have Calvins sister in the roleplay. They can either get along or not, we’ll just figure out the details.

EX FRIENDS — Used to be close but now aren’t, plenty of reasons as to why.

ENEMIES — Despise each other, seeing this person literally makes Calvins blood boil. Possibly sexual tension too if that would work, if not, they can just fight a lot.

WILL THEY / WON’T THEY — Lots of leading on and teasing each other, maybe they both think they’re stringing the other along but it turns out neither of them are interested? Maybe they start out not interested and it backfires later, by that time the other could’ve lost interest.

ANY OTHER IDEAS YOU THINK WILL WORK !

...005. ADDITIONAL INFORMATION.

Calvin is bisexual but heteroromantic, so any sexual-based connections can be taken by any gender.

Calvins Pinterest can be located here. Please note that it contains triggers for alcohol, drugs, blood & violence.

[mylivejournalsucks]

Where The (Teddy) Bears Are

I had my first Grindr hookup the other day. Well, that’s not true. I had one, two, maybe three when I was single and living with Lara on Ogden but—and this is not meant to be dark or sad, it just is—I don’t really remember them. I was drunk, of course, I needed courage, of course, and so there you have it. A recipe for smudgy, blurry unmemorable sex! Best served with an STD scare.

Just to be clear: Jonathan and I are open. We have been open since the beginning but in theory, not so much in practice. It helps with the whole monogamy monotony. It’s like when I travel with Xanax. Just knowing it’s there removes the urge to take it. Well, most of the time. It’s been four years now and even though I would rate my relationship five stars (I truly found a magical unicorn of a human. I would gush but, trust me, you’ll need your gag reflexes for later) I’ve been curious about dipping my feet in the strange new penis pond. So I downloaded Grindr and Scruff and just started browsing.

Okay, first off, can we just talk about the apps for a sec? You have to understand: I’ve been sheltered. I have Committed Couple privilege and while I’ve heard whore-or stories about gay single life, I didn’t really know what you were working with.

Holyyyyyyyshittttttttttt.

You guys! People are mad. People are bitter. And people REALLY need to clean their bathrooms. I swear, 1 out of 3 profiles are dripping with such anger and resentment. “IF YOU DON’T SEND A FACE PIC, YOU WILL BE BLOCKED!!!!” “IF YOU AREN’T WHAT U SAY U ARE, U CAN FUCK OFF!” It’s like, babe, can you stop yelling at me?!!! I never even said anything! Also, your laundry list of complaints—even when they’re put on top of a grainy pic of your abs—sends a chill down my penis and forces me to swipe next.

Anygay. After devouring profiles and profiles of velvet rage, a bear/daddy type messaged me at 2:13PM in the afternoon while I was at home Googling “Bella Thorne When/Why/How?” and I thought to myself: just do it! Just go have sex with this stranger! Why not?!

So I did. I took a chance. I went to this daddy’s apartment complex, which gave me INTENSE Vanderpump Rules vibes. (Shared pool darkness, cottage cheese ceilings visible from the horizontal blinds in the windows) But I kept an open mind/asshole and buzzed him at the gate.

He came out all smiles and sunshine, which was strange considering he just revealed himself to be A TOTAL LIAR. He didn’t look anything like his pictures. It was basically like Charlize Theron in Monster versus Charlize Theron in everything else. And I know you’re probably thinking “duh bitch! this happens all the time!” But I still can’t understand why someone would send outdated or fake pictures of themselves. It’s not like we’re embarking on a phone sex relationship! This isn’t message in a fucking bottle. I am going to see you and know immediately that you tricked me and then I’m going to feel betrayed and be mad at you. So how does that set the stage for a hot hookup?

Actually, I’ll tell you how. These Charlotte-tans are counting on you to be too polite to turn them down. They’re counting on you, as my former boss used to say, to just turn off the lights and get to work.

Which is exactly what I did. lol.

He took me inside his apartment. The TV was on (unclear) with Donald Trump shouting (okay NOW I’m horny. Art of seduction much?!!!) He then took me into his bedroom, which was lined up wall-to-wall with teddy bears. 

“Oh wow,” I said. “You really love teddy bears.”

“Yep!” He said proudly.

“That’s kindaaaaa creepy, ha ha.”

Mmmmkkk. Record scratch.

“Creepy? Creepy how?”

“No, not creepy.” I backpedaled. “I think it’s adorable. It’s just some might find it creepy but I am not one of those people.”

A word about this man’s personality: he was fine. Just fine. Inoffensive, bland, not dark but no sexual energy whatsoever. The human version of The Post.

We stood there awkwardly until I went in for a kiss which, of course, was bad. His tongue went in my mouth and then just hung out there collecting unemployment while I did all the work.

So kissing was not our journey. Noted. I guess let’s get naked?

I know my logic here is pretzel-y. I should’ve just left. I don’t know why I was so intent on doubling down. Maybe it’s because the experience, while underwhelming, was still novel to me. It was a new person’s body! Granted, a different body than advertised but still a body! Bodies are fun! And interesting!

I really don’t know how to explain what happened next. Basically nothing? We rolled around for a few minutes until finally he was like “um can I get off?” I said sure and watched him jerk off. Then he came and I went. La-di-da.

This story isn’t interesting or unique. I guess it just reminded me that sex is weird and funny and two people trying to connect with no chemistry is so cringe-inducing it’s almost freeing and sweet. Like, here we are, just two humans trying to feel something together. Two humans poking around a new body, seeing if we can make a temporary home here or if we need to ‘skidmark on the driveway’ it and move on.

I enjoyed it, even though there was nothing technically to enjoy. However, I am beginning to understand the “IF YOU AREN’T WHAT U SAY U ARE, U CAN FUCK OFF!” profile. Just a little bit.

[jenrecs]

welp i cried so many times reading this chapter and i am tearing up once again just writing this post!

“You said we’re the same as we’ve always been?” he spits back. “You’re a fucking liar.”

oh taebear, i love you but this is not your best moment 😔

“I waited for you,” you tell him, deathly calm, like you’re explaining a math problem. At your sides, your hands are shaking. “I waited for you for years. I cannot - I do not have words for how deeply unfair it is for you to show up now and try to ruin this for me.” You spit the words, clipping your consonants hard.

Neither of you has ever said it out loud. But it’s out now. No take-backs.

ugh how heartbreaking is this. that she spent her whole life wanting something to happen but knowing deep down that it won't. that she's finally looking for love in someone that isn't him and actually finding it and having it reciprocated after a lifetime of uncertainty and wishful thinking, only to have him pull something like this 😔 god these two, my poor heart 😔

Honestly though, you don’t feel like you have the bandwidth for that conversation right now. You feel like… you feel like you’re grieving. 

You need the space and time to mourn, to accept that you’ve walked away from something that you’ve lived in comfortably for years. To accept that you’ll never have back the friendship you once had - even if you and Taehyung manage to land somewhere okay when this is all over, the truth is things will never again be how they were between you. It just isn’t possible. 

bro i'm grieving too... the one who's been her person and the only love she knew for the longest time ://// to lose love because you found love. this chapter for me is like wwh ch13-14 aka DEVASTATING and MAKES ME CRY. i am not ok and i need to go sit in a bathtub with a toaster

[11:35 PM] Yoongi: have you talked to HER yet??

[11:37 PM] Hobi: wow double question mark. Mr Min is serious

[11:37 PM] Yoongi: shut up hoseok

the fact that they could make me laugh when i was on the edge of my seat with tears in my eyes 😭

But as he holds you, as he feels your shaking slowly ebb away, he remembers the times you’d called Taehyung family, the stories you’d told of having no one else. In that moment, he truly feels your sorrow down into his own bones.

GOD STOP MAKING ME CRY WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING ME SAD 😭

The look you give him nearly knocks his knees out - you turn to him with a look of pure adoration, disbelieving wonder. You look at him like he’s too good to be true.

It breaks his heart. It breaks his heart that a simple act of kindness feels so large to you - because no one, not your family, or fucking Kim Taehyung, or any of your other friends, had ever done it for you.

JESUS IT NEVER STOPS 😭 as soon as i get a second to breathe u throw something like this at my head

Taehyung laughs in his face, the sound ugly and echoing in the empty hallway. “Fuck you,” he says. “If it’s breaking her heart to stay away from me, doesn’t that tell you something? She wants to talk to me, she misses me. Move.”

+

Taehyung freezes, then raises his chin, face flat and impassive. “Who says I don’t love her?” he asks, bone-chillingly cold.

+

Taehyung’s response is his middle finger over his shoulder as he stalks down the hallway towards the stairs. 

i actually like how overtly immature taehyung was here. he's not a criminal mastermind out for blood, he's just a babie !! a big dumb baby but still a babie regardless 🤒 him being immature doesn't mean he has ill intent or he's out there plotting revenge !! here, he's sort of petulant and not willing to listen to namjoon's voice of reason, and i think it might play out better this way in the long run. he needs to figure this out by himself if he doesn't wanna lose her. she's clearly made her decision and is more sure of that decision. she's not responsible for how tae chooses to deal with the situation nor does she have to help him sort through his feelings. this time apart imo will be good ("good" probably isn't the right word but yk what i mean...) for the both - or the three - of them

“Do you want me to make him leave?” he asks, feeling so worked up he thinks he could probably carry Taehyung out of here by the back of his neck if given the okay. 

ngl i did imagine him holding tae by the back of his neck like a cat and throwing him out and that was quite an entertaining visual

You look at the ground, then - inexplicably - up at Namjoon. Like you’re deciding something. Like you’re calculating. Then, you look back at Taehyung, your body language changing as you stand up straight again. When you speak, your voice is firm and even. 

You grounded me.

aaaaaaaaah 😭 this united front is killing me. you go dimples 😭 i'm still sad that she needs joon to ground her from someone who used to be her person 😔

Beside him, Hoseok frowns and murmurs Yoongi’s name reprimandingly. 

mmmmmkay this is married behavior oh my sope shaped heart 😭

Namjoon’s father exits the vehicle and comes around to hug his son; it hurts to watch, for some reason. Something inside you aches at it.

+

And even though you’re slow and clumsy, she still smiles at you and says, “Very good.”

i'm not ashamed to admit that I CRIED AGAIN. MY HEART IS BREAKING. you are evil and you are hurting me 😭

X. So I Follow || KNJ

(banner by @itaeewon)

Title: My Feet to Follow, and My Heart to Hold (Masterpost)

Rating: NSFW - minors dni

Genre: college!au, roomie!au, angst, s2l, the absolute slowest of burns

Pairing: Namjoon x female reader, unrequited Taehyung x reader

Beta'd by @/kookstempo, @/casuallyimagining, and @/toikiii - thank you endlessly!

Summary: You know a lot about the many types of love thanks to Kim Taehyung. You love him as the only person you see as “family”, you love him as your very best friend, and you love him as the beautiful, funny man he’s become. But when a twist of fate during your senior year has you rooming with his good friend Kim Namjoon, you just might find that you have plenty left to learn about love. 

Lesson One: there are such things as a right way and a wrong way to love and to be loved.

//

In light of the incident with Taehyung, you prepare to spend Christmas alone.

Section Warnings: language, arguing/fighting (just some shoving), angst!, but also fluff in this one wow, bar scenes and recreational drinking

WC: 7.8k

The world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake, Broad field, bright flower, and the long white road A gateless garden, and an open path: My feet to follow, and my heart to hold. - Journey | Edna St. Vincent Millay

You watch it cross his face as Taehyung decides to make you prove it, but you don’t have enough time to react before he’s doing the thing you’d day-dreamed of time after time after time - before you knew Namjoon. He’s closing the gap between you, his hand curling in the fabric of your jacket, his lips finding yours, searching for something that three months ago he probably would have found. 

You shove Taehyung in the chest with both hands, and he stumbles away from you. 

“You fucking asshole,” you growl. “What the fuck is the matter with you?”

“You said we’re the same as we’ve always been?” he spits back. “You’re a fucking liar.”

You’re so blindingly angry, suddenly, that you can barely think, can barely match up words to make a sentence. “Fuck you,” you manage, the words feeling like they’re torn from your chest, leaving a bloody, gaping wound in their place. “I can’t fucking believe you.”

His brows furrow; for a minute, he looks genuinely lost. Then, something hard replaces the look. “You’re that serious about him? Already?”

You’re ready to answer this affirmatively, but he presses on. “You’ve never dated anyone, never even got to a second date. Now you’re seeing this guy for, what, a few weeks, and I’m nothing to you? Just like that?”

Something changes inside of you; you go from boiling angry to pure ice in only seconds. The silence pulses and then flatlines between you, as dead as your friendship. All you can do is stare at him, the seething rage knitting itself into something metallic instead. 

“I waited for you,” you tell him, deathly calm, like you’re explaining a math problem. At your sides, your hands are shaking. “I waited for you for years. I cannot - I do not have words for how deeply unfair it is for you to show up now and try to ruin this for me.” You spit the words, clipping your consonants hard.

Neither of you has ever said it out loud. But it’s out now. No take-backs.

He stares at you, chest heaving, eyes wide. There’s no going back to how things were, now. That option is well and truly buried, nails in the coffin.

“Goodbye, Taehyung,” you force yourself to say, and you turn and take the steps at a clip, letting the door shut behind you, leaving him out in the cold for good. 

You stop on the staircase, nearly at your floor, and slump against the bannister. What are you going to say to Namjoon? Hey, by the way, the guy you knew I had feelings for just kissed me. Maybe not quite like that. But you definitely have to tell him.

Honestly though, you don’t feel like you have the bandwidth for that conversation right now. You feel like… you feel like you’re grieving. 

You need the space and time to mourn, to accept that you’ve walked away from something that you’ve lived in comfortably for years. To accept that you’ll never have back the friendship you once had - even if you and Taehyung manage to land somewhere okay when this is all over, the truth is things will never again be how they were between you. It just isn’t possible. 

You don’t want to cry over Taehyung in front of Namjoon. He’s already given you so much grace, so much understanding and patience. This… this would be too much. At least until you can calm down, get your head right, talk about it rationally. So, when you enter the apartment and find his door closed, you leave him be. You head for your own bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind you.

–

Namjoon feels tortured and trapped in his room; he paces, he tries doing sit-ups, he takes a shower just to hold his breath under the spray of hot water.

None of it helps.

Finally, like a dog with its tail between its legs, he flops on his bed in defeat and picks up his phone.

[11:24 PM] Namjoon: you guys wanna say i told you so now, or later

[11:24 PM] Hobi: uh oh

[11:25 PM] Yoongi: what happened

Namjoon sighs, rubs a hand over his face. He doesn’t want to tell them. But he can’t shoulder this alone, he knows himself well enough to know it. 

[11:27 PM] Namjoon: just caught her kissing him

[11:28 PM] Namjoon: literally right in front of the apartment

He closes his eyes, resting his phone on his chest. He can feel it buzz with the reactions rolling in, but he feels like he can’t make himself look at them. 

Something niggles in the back of his mind, stirs in the pit of his stomach. 

Something about how your hands had been balled into fists at your sides.

[11:29 PM] Hobi: what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

[11:30 PM] Yoongi: dude i’m sorry

[11:31 PM] Hobi: bro that’s a dick move by taehyung

[11:31 PM] Hobi: like thats legitimately not okay he owes you a huge apology

[11:32 PM] Hobi: if i were you i’d go to his place and talk to him. like right now.

[11:34 PM] Yoongi: forget talking to taehyung, that can wait

[11:35 PM] Yoongi: have you talked to HER yet??

[11:37 PM] Hobi: wow double question mark. Mr Min is serious

[11:37 PM] Yoongi: shut up hoseok

[11:39 PM] Namjoon: i dont think i can even look at her right now tbh

[11:39 PM] Namjoon: let alone talk…

[11:42 PM] Namjoon: wtf would i even say to her?

[11:45 PM] Namjoon: ‘was it everything you ever hoped for?’

[11:45 PM] Namjoon: fuck

He sets his phone on the mattress beside him and closes his eyes. Stupid… stupid… stupid… It echoes through his head, harmonizing nicely with Hobi and Yoongi’s voices telling him he gives people - women - too much faith, lets them take advantage of him. 

But you’d told him you were in this. 

You’d told him you wanted to be with him, not Taehyung. 

You’d told him this thing between you was real, and that it deserves to be. 

He’s told you he trusts you. Did that change? Was he wrong to?

Or are things not adding up?

He picks up his phone again. 

[11:52 PM] Hobi: might be nice to have some answers

[11:53 PM] Yoongi: that’s true… we all know this wouldn’t be the first time taehyung has shown his ass… 

Namjoon considers this silently. He starts to get up, then stills. This repeats twice more, before he finally throws himself out of bed and leaves his room before his nerves can fail. He crosses the living room to find your bedroom door shut – rare, these days. He knocks, calls your name quietly. When you don’t answer, he tries the doorknob.

It’s locked.

“Hey,” he calls. “Let me in.”

You don’t answer. 

He knows it’s not the same, not what’s happening now, but he’s picturing you on the day you’d gone silent, laying in bed, facing the wall, unmoving, unblinking. His chest clenches with the need to make sure you’re okay, despite what he’d seen, despite the conclusions he’d drawn.

He leans his forehead against the cool wood of the door. “Baby,” he says, voice so hushed it’s practically a whisper. “Please, open the door and talk to me.”

He waits a long moment, one hand against the door, and then the doorknob clicks. As soon as he can see your face through the crack, it’s clear you’ve been crying.

His brain starts running possibilities as fast as a bullet-train. You’re crying because you know you did something wrong, and you feel guilty. You’re crying because you’re conflicted about who you want, and it’s hurting. You’re crying because you’ve decided to be with Taehyung after all, and you know you have to let Namjoon down. You’re crying because…

“What happened?” he manages to ask, feeling like there’s glass in his throat as he tugs the words out of his stomach. 

He resists the urge to reach out and touch your face, wipe a stray tear away.

You take a deep breath, avert your eyes. Then you seem to steel yourself and say very clearly, “Taehyung just kissed me.”

Then, you rush ahead, the rest of the words tumbling out of you so fast that Namjoon almost misses some of it. “But I pushed him away – I called him an asshole, I told him he missed his chance.”

You take another breath, eyes filling with fresh tears. You still haven’t looked up at Namjoon. “I’m sorry,” you finish in a whisper.

Namjoon doesn’t remember moving, doesn’t decide to move, but his arms are suddenly around you as you bury your face in his shirt, shoulders still trembling a little under his hands.

He’s so overcome with relief that it almost makes him go boneless – relief that he hadn’t been wrong to trust you, relief that you’d chosen him after all.

But as he holds you, as he feels your shaking slowly ebb away, he remembers the times you’d called Taehyung family, the stories you’d told of having no one else. In that moment, he truly feels your sorrow down into his own bones.

“You have me,” he thinks, then realizes he’s said it out loud. You shift in his arms to look up at him, eyes big and red-rimmed. He gives you a little squeeze, struggles to wade through how protective he feels with you. “I know that maybe it’s not the same… but for as long as you want me there,” he promises, “you have me.”

Tuesday December 11th 

You lay in Namjoon’s embrace, chest to chest, his strong arms locked behind your back. You’re not sure how long you’ve been encased like this, one leg tucked between his, listening to his heart beating next to your ear. Long enough for the sweat to cool. 

You shiver a little, and Namjoon runs a hand reverently down your arm, chasing away goosebumps with the warmth of his palm. Behind him, you can hear your phone vibrate on your nightstand.

Again.

You try to pretend you don’t hear it. You try to distract Namjoon by reaching up to kiss his jaw sweetly. He looks down at you, eyes narrowed, seeing right through your bullshit.

“Is that him again?”

“I don’t know,” you say innocently. “I haven’t looked at it.”

But you both know it is. 

He’s been calling - and texting - since you left him on the sidewalk two nights ago. You’d turned your phone off on Sunday night, as soon as you’d cottoned on that he wasn’t going to give up. When you’d gotten brave enough to turn it on Monday morning, it was to three voicemails, unending missed calls, and a series of texts that blurred before you as you teared up over their desperation. 

[12:18 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: please pick up

[12:31 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: pick up the phone [12:32 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: talk to me

[2:52 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: i’m so sorry [2:52 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: i’m such an asshole [2:52 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: fuck i’m so so sorry

[3:22 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: please talk to me [3:23 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: you’re probably sleeping so i’m gonna stop [3:24 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: but if you decide you want to talk please call me

[9:04 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: good morning [9:05 AM] Tae Bear 🧸: can we talk today?

You hadn’t answered any of it, and he’d continued Monday afternoon. 

[4:46 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: please, talk to me so i can apologize for real [4:52 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: you’ve never not talked to me for this long before [4:54 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: even that time i backed into Lin’s car and let her blame you…  [4:54 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: did i fuck everything up that badly?

Yes, you want to tell him. But you don’t have the heart. It’s hard enough, takes enough of your self-control, to resist answering. To resist telling him it’s okay.

It isn’t. You know it isn’t.

As the texts roll in through Monday night and Tuesday morning, you feel like Namjoon’s steadying gaze on you, or his hand solid in yours, is the only thing that keeps you from skittering back into safe, familiar old habits. And to his credit, he barely leaves you alone while you’re both home. He stays in your space, quiet and calm, watching you carefully, searching for signs that you might need more from him. 

The phone buzzes again, insistent - a phone call.

You sigh in Namjoon’s arms. “Maybe I should answer him,” you muse. “If for nothing else, then to tell him to knock it off.”

Namjoon rolls to pick up your phone and places it, still buzzing, in your hands. “It’s your decision,” he says carefully. 

You watch Taehyung’s name, with the stupid emoji after it, scroll across the top of your screen. You don’t pick up. 

“I don’t think I’m ready,” you admit. “I don’t even know what I’d tell him. I have nothing to say.”

“Then don’t,” Namjoon advises gently. “Turn it off for a while. Let’s get something to eat.”

“Yeah,” you say absently, pressing your finger to the power button. “You’re right.” You watch, feeling utterly hollow, as your screen goes black.

Thursday December 13th

It’s hard for Namjoon to watch, honestly, though he does his best to bite his tongue and just support you. But you float through the apartment like a ghost, and he can’t help but feel guilt over the fact that you chose to be haunted for his sake.

You’re staring at your phone, which - despite being powered off - is sitting by your elbow. Like, even though you pressed the power button yourself, you're waiting for the next call.

“You should do something for yourself tonight,” he hears himself suggest. Problem-solving mode again, like he just can’t help himself. But maybe it’ll be for the better. “Like a bubble bath or something. Why don’t you go run one? I’ll pour you some wine.”

The look you give him nearly knocks his knees out - you turn to him with a look of pure adoration, disbelieving wonder. You look at him like he’s too good to be true.

It breaks his heart. It breaks his heart that a simple act of kindness feels so large to you - because no one, not your family, or fucking Kim Taehyung, or any of your other friends, had ever done it for you.

“You should leave your phone out here,” he suggests. “Bring a book.”

You give him a different sort of look, then, one that says don’t tell me what to do.

“I’m just saying!” He smiles innocently. “It’ll ruin your inner peace if you turn it on.”

“Inner peace,” you grumble at him, but you head into your bathroom, your phone face down on the breakfast bar. A minute later, Namjoon hears the bathtub water running. 

He brings you in a glass of wine as promised, also carrying in the poetry book you’d bought him at the antique shop a few days ago. 

“Don’t get this wet,” he warns jokingly. You smile up at him, most of you hidden beneath an aggressive amount of bubbles. 

“I won’t,” you promise. “I have a tray.” 

Namjoon backtracks to the kitchen, recorking the wine and wiping down the counter. He’s humming absently, lost in thought about what he’d been writing, when he hears footsteps stop outside the front door. 

His intuition kicks in with a quick slap of adrenaline. He opens the front door roughly and immediately shoulders Taehyung backwards into the hallway, closing the door behind him and crossing his arms, physically putting himself between Taehyung and you.

Taehyung gapes at him, eyes wide, mouth dropped in indignation. Then, his pride catches up, and his eyes narrow. “What are you, her bodyguard?” he asks sourly. “Did she tell you not to let me in?”

“No,” Namjoon admits, willing himself to stay logical, not to let his temper take over. “But I want to talk to you.”

“I just bet you do,” Taehyung mutters. 

Namjoon breathes in for four, holds it for four, lets it out for six. He’s known Taehyung for years, sees him as a nuisance of a little brother in a lot of ways, has a lot of affection for him. But watching you hurt, and hurt, and hurt - it isn’t going to continue. 

“I’m sorry you found out about us the way you did,” Namjoon says, hoping that beginning with his own apology will help soften the rest of the conversation. “I didn’t mean for that to happen. I wasn’t trying to be… it would have been better for her to talk to you about it on her own terms. I didn’t mean to take that away from her. Or you.”

“I really don’t want to talk about this with you,” Taehyung says, voice low and dangerous. “I want to talk to her. Move.”

“You need to back off,” Namjoon says carefully. “You’re breaking her fucking heart, bro. Give her some time.”

Taehyung laughs in his face, the sound ugly and echoing in the empty hallway. “Fuck you,” he says. “If it’s breaking her heart to stay away from me, doesn’t that tell you something? She wants to talk to me, she misses me. Move.”

Namjoon shakes his head, clings to reason, tries desperately to make Taehyung see reason, too. “Try to understand,” he begs. “You’re messing with her head. Do you even want her? If she came out here now and said she wanted to be with you, would you even know what to do with that?”

Taehyung’s eyes narrow even further, if possible. “What are you talking about?” he asks, the question like a hiss between his teeth. “You’re pissing me off, Namjoon. She and I need to talk - get out of the way.”

Namjoon’s temper flares. “Taehyung,” he says, just one of many times in their friendship he’s felt like he had to talk sense into the younger man. “You don’t love her, so let her go.”

Taehyung freezes, then raises his chin, face flat and impassive. “Who says I don’t love her?” he asks, bone-chillingly cold.

Namjoon breaks eye contact, takes another steadying breath. “Feeling like she’s yours,” he says quietly, like he’s trying to explain, “doesn’t make it love.”

Taehyung makes a disbelieving tch noise, but Namjoon pushes on.

“Feeling like you have a claim on her doesn’t mean you love her. And you know what? Even if it did, even if we agreed that you love her… this is not the right way. She deserves to be loved the right way, and this isn’t it. And if you don’t want to lose her completely, then you need to wrap your head around that.”

Taehyung is spared having to respond to this. Behind Namjoon, you’ve been listening from the doorway. You step into view, your face flushed from the warm bath and the glass of wine, flushed from what you’ve overheard.

Immediately, Taehyung moves closer, trying to dart past Namjoon to reach you, saying your name like a prayer.

“Please, let’s talk,” he begs, the words all a rush. 

Namjoon keeps his body between you, but glances over his shoulder at you. Taehyung’s intended dig about being your bodyguard doesn’t feel too off, right now. “Do you want me to make him leave?” he asks, feeling so worked up he thinks he could probably carry Taehyung out of here by the back of his neck if given the okay. 

“No,” you say, your voice tiny. Namjoon tongues his cheek, but steps aside. Taehyung shoots him a cutting, victorious look, but then you speak again, your voice still so little. “But… will you stay?” You creep into the hallway, looking entirely unsure, and Namjoon welcomes it happily when you press against his side, one of your hands resting over his diaphragm, the other curling into the material of his shirt over his back. 

“Taehyung,” you whisper, and Namjoon’s heart breaks again at the look of betrayal and hurt that you level at your best friend. “What are you doing?”

“I –”

“Taehyung,” you say again, so broken, and it stops him in his tracks. “You don’t love me. You never did. So what the hell is happening here?”

He looks back at you, a look of absolute devastation crossing his face. For a second, Namjoon feels bad for him - just for a second. “Please, let’s talk by ourselves,” Taehyung begs.

You shake your head. “After the shit you pulled last time? Absolutely not.”

“I’m sorry,” he blurts. “I shouldn’t have - I know I shouldn’t have - it’s just -

“What?” you snap, suddenly pissed all over again. 

“I can’t lose you,” he says plainly. 

You look at the ground, then - inexplicably - up at Namjoon. Like you’re deciding something. Like you’re calculating. Then, you look back at Taehyung, your body language changing as you stand up straight again. When you speak, your voice is firm and even. 

You grounded me.

“I don’t want that either,” you say, finally. “But I’m not going to be with you - not like that. And let’s both be honest - you don’t actually want that, either. You only went there because you thought someone else was winning. And frankly? I refuse to play. So you know what, Taehyung? When you can grow up and figure out what you actually want, you can call me to talk about it - not until then.”

You disentangle yourself from Namjoon and stalk back inside. Namjoon pauses. Taehyung is staring at the ground, unblinking.

“You’re my friend, too,” Namjoon says quietly, feeling like he can’t even look Taehyung in the face right now. “I hope we can figure that out, too, when you’re ready.”

Taehyung’s response is his middle finger over his shoulder as he stalks down the hallway towards the stairs. 

Friday December 22nd

Through cobbled streets in tiny towns Through suffocating crowds on city sidewalks Down dirt lanes and past silent, towering silos

I follow you

Through pathless forests, over tripping roots Beneath canopies of black and green Over fallen trees whose rings tell of being felled

I follow you

To mountains bathed in sunlight’s glory Up slopes that want to pull me down To views of winding rivers - strips of ribbon below

I follow you

To ocean waves that crash and scream Tantruming relentlessly against packed sand shores The line of the horizon ebbing with the moonrise

I follow you

My feet are meant to follow yours My heart is meant to follow yours The world is mine, but I want only yours

So I follow 

I follow you

–

You close the notebook before you can scratch anything out. That one needs to marinate a little. It’s not like you to forgo a rhyme scheme, and you’re not sure how you feel about the flow.

You haven’t heard from Taehyung in almost two weeks. But you haven’t reached out, either. 

When you hear Namjoon come through the front door, you slide your notebook back into your backpack, leaving no incriminating evidence.

“Hey,” he says, stopping by your side and giving your shoulders some affectionate squeezes. “What are you up to?”

“Was writing,” you tell him. “Sort of.”

He laughs at sort of. “What a mood,” he says with a smile. Then, he drops himself in the stool next to yours at the breakfast bar, drumming his knuckles where your notebook had been just moments before.

You know that tic - he’s anxious.

“What is it?” you ask, instantly worried. “Did something happen?” 

You’re imagining all sorts of scenarios - Taehyung confronted him, Elyse texted again, he failed an assignment, he’s breaking up with you -

“Nothing bad,” he assures you, stopping the spiral in its place. “I just had something to ask you. I guess I’m nervous. I know I shouldn’t be.”

“Oh,” you say. “Okay. Well - what is it?”

He glances at you shyly, and you feel your heart swell with affection. 

“What are your Christmas plans?” he asks. 

Whatever you were expecting, it wasn’t this. 

“Oh,” you say again, deflating. “I was… just staying here, I think.”

The I think is a lie. Your plan was absolutely to stay, alone, in the apartment. You had no intention of going home for the holidays. It would mean over an hour in the car each way with Taehyung, whom you haven’t spoken to in ten whole days. Plus, Lin is working. Normally you’d go to Taehyung’s house and let his parents try to pretend you weren’t imposing, but that’s not an option this year either.

Honestly, the idea of your first Christmas without them - Taehyung’s mom and dad - is kind of depressing. You’d sent a gift in the mail, but it won’t be the same. 

Namjoon raps his knuckles again. “Um,” he says, so uncertainly that it makes you smile a little bit, “how would you feel about coming home with me? To my parents’?”

You’re stunned into silence. “I - Do - Would your parents be okay with that? It’s not too last minute?”

“They’d be thrilled,” Namjoon tells you seriously. “They thought I’d never get ov- I mean, they’d be happy to meet you.”

You smile to yourself at his slip. “When were you going to leave?”

“I’m taking the train in the morning. Plenty of time to pack.”

“I need to do laundry,” you muse out loud, already in planning mode. 

“So, you’ll come with me?” he clarifies. 

“Yeah,” you say slowly, still mentally writing a to-do list. “If you’re sure I’m not imposing… they have to feed me and everything. You’re sure it’s okay?”

He laughs, kisses the top of your head. “I promise,” he says. 

Later, as you and Namjoon sit side by side on the couch, folding laundry together, your phone buzzes on the coffee table.

Your heart leaps, hoping it will be Taehyung, caving just in time for the holidays, wanting to talk it out before Christmas Day.

It’s Lin.

Your heart sinks, your throat gets tight. You push the hurt and disappointment aside and avoid Namjoon’s knowing gaze as you open the text. 

[6:22 PM] Lin: i just ran into taes family

[6:22 PM] Lin: they said hes coming home tonight

[6:23 PM] Lin: will you be here tonight? We didn’t talk about it

You purse your lips. 

[6:25 PM] You: sorry, i should have called you. I know you’re working so i wasn’t planning on coming home

[6:26 PM] Lin: oh. Are you going to be alone?

You type the start of an answer - “no, staying with my -” and pause, looking over at Namjoon.

“Joon?” you ask, and he looks at you, surprised. “I don’t know - I mean - Should I say we’re -?”

He leans to read over your shoulder, smiling when he sees “with my -” and your cursor waiting patiently for you to finish the thought. Your what? Friend? Roommate?

You glance up at him, feeling your face flush. “Do I say boyfriend?” you finally ask in a whisper. 

His smile almost splits his face. “Is that what I should tell my mom?” he counters, his own phone in his hand.

You grin at him. “I will if you will,” you tease.

His smile turns cocky. “At the same time, then?”

[6:31 PM] You: no, staying with my boyfriend’s family

[6:34 PM] Lin: your WHAT?????????

Namjoon brings his phone to his ear, still smiling at you. When someone picks up, he says, “Eomma? Listen, I know it’s last minute - my girlfriend will be alone for the holidays, would it be okay if she came home with me instead?”

On the other end of the line there’s a series of unintelligible shrieks, and Namjoon’s playful smile only grows. “Yah, I know, I know, I’m sorry!” he laughs. “You’ll meet her! I know! I’m sorry!”

You giggle quietly. 

“No, no, Eomma, you don’t need a gift for her, just send us home with leftovers, that’s more than enough,” he says, eyes widening. “It’s last-minute for her, too, no one knew about this ahead of time. It’s okay. No, the guest room is perfect. Eomma, the guest room is fine. Let me talk to - Dad, hi.”

Giving him a reassuring pat on the knee, you stand, taking the folded laundry with you.

–

You’re essentially packed, your suitcase closed but still unzipped on top of your bed when Namjoon sticks his head in the door, that playful, up-to-no-good smirk on his face. 

“What?” you ask him, smiling. It’s contagious, you can’t help it. 

“Yoongi and Hoseok want to know if my girlfriend will come get a beer with us tonight,” he says, his smile growing sideways. 

You laugh. “News travels fast.”

He gives a sheepish chuckle. “I tell those two everything. I can’t function without them.”

You eye him suspiciously. “Is this going to be an interrogation?”

He considers this. “Probably,” he admits. “But I’ll keep them in check. They’re just… protective. Especially after the Elyse debacle.”

You sigh. “You’re asking me to handle the best friend interrogation and meeting your parents all in the span of twelve hours, you realize that, right?”

Namjoon’s face falls a little. “You’re right,” he says. “Sorry. It’s okay - I’ll go by myself tonight -.”

“No, I want to go,” you say quickly, holding up a hand to stop his backpedaling. “I’m just saying. I think you owe me some cookies or something.”

His smile returns, tentative. “Let’s start with I’ll buy your beer tonight,” he jokes.

“Deal,” you tell him, but when you find yourself on a sticky barstool in a mostly dark hole-in-the-wall, a pitcher deep with the three guys, you’re wishing you’d demanded cookies after all.

Hoseok gets up to get a second pitcher, and Yoongi leans forward on his elbows, eyeing you carefully.

Here we go, you think. Namjoon shoots you an apologetic look and you shrug him off. 

“So, it’s official now, huh?” Yoongi asks, voice a touch too casual.

“Apparently,” you say dryly, eyes on Namjoon. He’s kicking at Yoongi under the table, as subtle as an elephant. 

Hoseok returns, carefully placing the new pitcher of beer on the center of the table. Namjoon reaches desperately for a refill.

Yoongi tilts his head to the side, eyes still on you, calculating. “You don’t want to be with Taehyung?”

“Hyung!” Namjoon protests, spluttering over his beer. Beside him, Hoseok frowns and murmurs Yoongi’s name reprimandingly. 

You will yourself to stay calm, not to get defensive. “I don’t,” you say evenly. You hope the truth of it will be enough.

“You did though,” Yoongi points out.

“Hyung!” Namjoon barks a second time, starting to actually look pissed now. 

But it’s a fair point. And Namjoon has never once through this whole thing asked you to explain yourself, has never asked you to defend or examine the way your feelings have changed since he met you in August.

So maybe he deserves to hear this answer, you think.

“Yeah,” you say, because it’s true. Yoongi’s entire demeanor changes with this admission - like he’d expected you to lie, or deflect. Like he’s ready to take you way more seriously now that he knows you’re willing to be honest. 

You rub your hands down the tops of your thighs, trying to dispel the sweat collecting on your palms. “I guess I learned…” you say, thinking as you speak slowly, “I know that Taehyung loves me, but… I didn’t have anything to compare it to, before. I had never felt anything for or… received love from anyone else. I had nothing to put his… fragmented version of loving me into perspective.”

“Yah, you writing people are so well-spoken,” Hoseok sighs over his beer. Namjoon glares daggers at him.

Yoongi presses forward. “But now?”

You give Namjoon a tiny smile across the table. “Honestly… now I’m not sure how I could have ever been so wrong,” you say to him, not to Yoongi. You know he needs to know.

Saturday December 23rd

“Explain to me why I’m nervous,” you complain, your foot bouncing as the countryside rolls past the train’s window outside.

Namjoon smiles at you indulgently, and then places a large hand over your knee to quell the bouncing. “You’ll be fine.”

“I’m scared out of my mind.”

“So what you’re saying is, this is a bad time to tell you that my parents hated Elyse?”

Your blood runs cold. “They what? You’re fucking with me, right?”

He grimaces. “Unfortunately, no. I mean, they were never rude to her. They just… never warmed up. Each time we’d fight and get back together, my mom… well, she made sure I knew how she felt about it.”

“Great,” you say dourly, eyeing the window. 

He gives your knee a squeeze. “You’ll be fine. Just be yourself.”

You’re a jumble of nerves for the rest of the ride. 

When the train slows to a stop in Namjoon’s hometown, he leads you by the hand down the steps and out into the cold.

“That’s my dad’s car,” he says, pointing to a dark green sedan. “You ready?”

“No,” you joke, but you follow him towards the car, hoisting your duffle bag higher on your shoulder as you go. 

Namjoon’s father exits the vehicle and comes around to hug his son; it hurts to watch, for some reason. Something inside you aches at it.

When he turns his attention to you, you greet him respectfully, and then Namjoon helps move your duffle bag into the car. 

The drive to the house from the train station is quick - if it weren’t December and carrying luggage it would be walkable. Inside, Namjoon hugs his mother as well, towering over her. You greet her formally, and she gives you a tight-lipped smile, welcoming you to their home.

“Thank you for letting me join Namjoon here for Christmas,” you say, glancing sideways at him for reassurance. “I know it was last-minute.”

“No one should be alone for Christmas,” she tells you, her voice soft and even, and Namjoon squeezes your arm affectionately. “May I show you the guest room?”

You follow them both through the house and to a small room with a narrow single bed, a nightstand, and a small chest of drawers. In the corner, in a beam of morning sunlight, is a tall, leafy plant. This makes you smile; it feels like Namjoon’s touch.

“How long are you staying?” Mrs. Kim directs this question at her son, and you turn to look at him as you place your duffle bag on the end of the bed. 

Namjoon hums, considering. “I’m not sure yet,” he tells her, leaning comfortably against the doorframe. “We’d planned for the 27th, but I was looking at the weather forecast while we were on the train and there’s a storm coming through. We might have to try and get back before that, so maybe the 26th. We can play it by ear.”

She shakes her head, swats playfully at his elbow. “You know I’m no good at spontaneous decisions,” she chides.

“We’ll keep an eye on the weather and figure out the plan,” he soothes. 

She turns back to you, casting a playfully sour look at Namjoon over her shoulder as she does. “If you want to use the drawers for your clothes, you can,” she tells you. “The bathroom is straight across.”

“Got it,” you say, trying to sound breezy and cheerful. “Thank you again for taking me in. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”

She nods at you, smiling. “I’ll let you get settled in,” she says, and brushes past Namjoon on her way back down the narrow hallway. 

His gaze on you is suddenly heavy. 

“What?” you ask.

He opens his mouth to speak, then looks over his shoulder, seems to think better of it. “Want to go for a walk?” he asks instead. “I have a place I’d kind of like to show you.”

Everything inside you that’s been held tight like a breath melts into something soft. “Okay,” you tell him, reaching for your coat, which is shoved under your duffle bag on the bed. “Let’s go.”

As you pass back through the kitchen, Mr. Kim is seated at the table, buried in an open newspaper. A cup of coffee sits, untouched, near his elbow. Mrs. Kim stands on a step-stool, searching a high cabinet for something, muttering under her breath.

“We’re going to walk down to the pond,” Namjoon says. His father lowers the newspaper and smiles at him a little absently. “Gotta show off the geese.”

He steps out the kitchen door that leads to a sloping backyard and you follow. Once you’re halfway across the yard he reaches back for your hand, not turning to watch you take it. 

“Geese, huh?” you ask.

He turns to grin at you. “It’s my favorite place. Come on, keep up.”

“We don’t all have long legs like yours!” you protest. At the end of the property, there’s a small space between two hedges, the grass in the gap long worn away by frequent foot-traffic, only dirt remaining. He leads you through the gap and down the rest of the hill, where you can see the ink-dark water of a still pond waiting below. 

When you arrive at the water’s edge, you notice that there is - as promised - an entire flock of geese, as well as a large swan. 

“I heard swans can be nasty,” you say, a little apprehensive.

Namjoon puts his arm around you, looking out over the water. “Ah, that’s Clarence. He won’t mess with you. The geese might, though, especially when their babies are around.”

You raise your eyebrows. “Clarence? You named the swan?”

He laughs, the sound low and melodic, warm and welcoming. “He’s been around for a few years. We have an understanding.”

This startles a giggle out of you, and Namjoon looks down at you, smiling.

“I love having you here,” he admits fondly. “This is my favorite place - I’d come here to think, to read, to write. Sometimes, to clear my head.”

“You like to go outside when you’ve got shit going on,” you agree. 

“There’s a Welsh saying,” he says seriously, “that means to kind of get your head on straight, to sort your thoughts out. But when you translate the words literally, they say to return to my trees. That always spoke to me.”

“Wow,” you say lightly, running the words through your mind again. “To return to my trees. I like that.”

He stands quietly next to you for a minute, both of you watching Clarence and his geese friends cross the pond at a snail’s pace. 

“You know what I like about you?” he finally says, as a small breeze picks up enough to rustle his hair, to blow yours around your face. “I can say shit like that to you and you take me seriously. I’ve never had anybody like that in my life before - not even with my friends.”

You get it - you never really had that, either. You smile up at him. “I like pretty words.”

His smile goes crooked for a second. “I like pretty words and pretty girls.” He gives you a squeeze.

“What a line!” you laugh, but you can feel your face flushing. “Did you look that one up on the internet?”

He laughs too. “I was inspired, what can I say?”

You lapse into comfortable silence again, watching the edge of the dark water lap at the muddy shore. “Can I say something?” you ask after a minute, and Namjoon looks down at you, surprised.

“Yeah,” he says. “Of course.”

You think for a second about what you want to say - the points you want to hit, how you want to word it. 

“I just wanted to make sure you knew,” you start slowly, “that I see and appreciate how patient you’ve been. How understanding.”

Namjoon’s eyes go wide and he actually leans away from you a little, like he wants to look at you better. “What?” he asks hollowly. 

“Seriously,” you insist. “When it comes to everything between us, you’ve been in a shitty position from day one. You never held it against me, never got mad, never made me feel like I wasn’t… worth wanting. You never demanded anything of me - not an explanation, not an answer. You just… stayed by my side and let me figure it out. And I… it’s not lost on me that that’s extremely fucking rare. That’s all.”

Namjoon’s chin is jutting a little, his jaw clenched. He keeps his eyes on the pond and clears his throat. When he speaks, his voice is a little rough.

“Well, uh,” he says, then coughs to clear his throat. “Thanks for saying that. It’s all really… not that big of a deal.”

You lean against him, and he squeezes your shoulder.

“It is,” you whisper. “I know you don’t recognize it… but, it really is.”

–

Back inside, you somehow find yourself in a situation where you are way out of your depth: alone in the kitchen with Mrs. Kim. 

Namjoon told you he’d be right back and went to - you assume - talk to his dad in the other room, and here you are.

You don’t know what to say. You don’t know how to talk to mothers. You don’t know how kitchens work.

Mrs. Kim saves you from yourself by placing a large, yellow onion in your hand. “Will you chop this while I start the –”

You don’t even hear the end of the question over the panicked rush of white noise in your ears. You hold the onion like it might explode in your hand. 

Her back is to you as she pulls out a cutting board from a lower cabinet. When she turns and sees you standing there like you’re holding a grenade, she freezes. 

“You certainly don’t have to if you don’t want to –” she backtracks quickly.

“The thing is,” you say, face flushing, “I don’t… exactly… know how.”

The sigh of disappointment she lets out is almost comical. You cringe, feeling terrible, when she says, “Aish, no wonder my son likes you - you two are just the same.”

This makes you laugh out loud, and the tension breaks just like that. With a playfully chastising look, she takes the onion back from you, placing it on the cutting board. Then she cuts it in half and shows you how you’re meant to slice it before passing you the knife. 

She watches carefully as you slowly and clumsily try to mirror her movements with the blade. And even though you’re slow and clumsy, she still smiles at you and says, “Very good.”

“I never really had the chance to learn,” you try to explain, your eyes on what you’re doing. “My, um, my parents passed away when I was really young. And my grandmother… she didn’t ask me to help, she didn’t try to teach me. I think because… she wanted to let me be just a kid in as many ways as I still could. But, yknow. Now I’m an adult who can’t cook.”

You’re not sure what reaction you expect from her, but all she does is hum quietly, an affirming, understanding listening noise, and lean just a little closer over your shoulder to watch the knife. 

You’re about to say something else - anything, just to move on from the moment - when she speaks. 

“His last girlfriend was a genius in the kitchen.” She cocks her head to the side sharply, almost as if flicking away an annoying bug. “But she certainly had her failings outside of it.”

Elyse. You’re suddenly picturing her here, at this counter, making her way effortlessly around the kitchen.

Mrs. Kim moves beside you, turning the sink on and grabbing a colander to wash some more vegetables. You keep working slowly on the onion, keeping your eyes on your fingers.

She looks sideways at you as she rinses whatever she’s holding. “All I’m saying is, sometimes change is good. And it’s never too late to learn,” she tells you.

Change. Like Namjoon letting go of his past. Like you letting go of yours. 

“He told me you and Mr. Kim didn’t like her,” you admit, pushing the onion to the side and setting down the knife, ready for new instructions.

Mrs. Kim shakes her head, exasperated. “What did he say that to you for? No wonder you’re nervous. For such a smart boy, he just has no sense.”

You smile and hurry to defend him. “I think he just wanted me to be prepared.”

 “Prepared for what?” she grouses. “We liked her fine until she broke his heart. We’ll like you that long, too.”

“I don’t think I ever could,” you say quietly. 

Next to you, she softens. She touches your hand for just a second in a gesture that feels somehow like gratitude, and then removes it to plop whatever she just washed onto your cutting board. 

“Chop,” she instructs. She watches, reaching over once to adjust your hold on the knife, then nodding in satisfaction when you carry on correctly. Her eyes on your hands, she asks, “So your grandmother raised you? Where did you grow up?”

You tell her - about your hometown, about your Grandmother’s strict upbringing and how it led into Lin’s barely-there parenting. She listens as she works, eventually moving over to the stove and starting the base of the sauce while you finish peeling and chopping the pile she’s left for you to handle. 

“So, your aunt is working for Christmas?” she asks, stirring as you gently add the onion to the sauce when prompted.

“Yes, and she works nights and sleeps days,” you explain. “So I decided to just stay home.”

“You wouldn’t have seen her at all?” she asks, no bite or judgment to the question. Just asking. “Even Christmas Eve, or the day after?”

You think about this. In all honesty, you would have been home and awake with Lin for at least some of break. But you two didn’t really spend time together, never had. Plus it would have meant asking Taehyung for a ride, since he brought you to campus back in late August, and he isn’t currently speaking to you. 

“Maybe in passing,” you say, which isn’t entirely true. But suddenly, you feel weirdly guilty - like you’ve done something wrong to Lin by leaving her alone for the holiday. 

“That’s a shame,” she says. “Here, come stir this.”

As you finish the meal together, she asks you more questions - mostly about school and your major. It’s nice - calming. You feel like this is a place you could get used to.

“I think it’s good for him to have found another writer,” she muses. “Sometimes our Namjoon just has his head in the clouds. It’ll be nice for him to have someone who… understands.”

“Yeah,” you say, continuing to stir, as directed. “That’s nice for me, too.”

<- Prev | Next ->

what are we thinking?! am i in less trouble or more compared to last chapter? lol

[kroneeeee]

OUMA’S DEFENCE LAWYER PART2A

Yes. There’s more. Here’s part 1: 

http://kroneeeee.tumblr.com/post/166569354474/oumas-defence-lawyer-here

WARNING: this argument is super. super. long.

OOoookay, now that we’ve established that his nature isn’t to be an evil asshole, now comes his intentions. Why did he make Gonta the killer? Why did he come up with such a plan involving his death? Why did he try to be the mastermind? Well, this is my interpretation on it-

I’ll start it off with discussing Chapter 4.

Again, let’s establish facts before diving in:

 Ouma was the first to know about the outside world. The outside world is supposed to be the worst thing ever, where no one was alive, and there was absolutely no hope left for any of the survivors. It was used as a motive to bring people to despair and thus kill people.

Ouma did manipulate Gonta throughout their time in the VR world after Gonta himself volunteered to watch over Ouma.

Ouma used Gonta to kill Miu to save his own ass.

He’s smart enough to figure out that she wanted to kill him beforehand.

Throughout the trial in Chapter 4, he’s been manipulating everyone and using his lies to bring Shuichi to the truth.

Ouma did not know of Gonta’s memory loss/error. Nor the fact that his avatar had some paralysis setting on him.

Yeah, Ouma did keep pressuring Gonta at some point about him being ridiculously dumb.

He was really angry at both Gonta and Kaito for stalling the killing game by not accepting the facts.

He had a genuine breakdown and wanted to die with Gonta before his execution.

In the end, after the execution, he suddenly had a change in character and became very antagonistic. Hm, how fitting for an “Ultimate Supreme Leader”.

Anyways, facts over. Time to explain why. Why he did such things. Why he did those asshole moves. Why he chose Gonta. Why he broke down. Why he tried to act like the mastermind. Those 10 facts are gonna be my truth bullets this time. C’mon, let’s treat this like a class trial.

First off, why did Ouma choose to manipulate Gonta for his murder towards Iruma?

Honestly, you’d think it could be a number of reasons- Maybe because Gonta was strong- NOPE. Sorry, but Iruma gave everyone equal strength ability in the VR world. That won’t explain why he chose Gonta over anyone else.

Because he’s the most manipulative? Plausible. Even though, as seen in the 4th class trial, he’s able to manipulate everyone, he chose Gonta because of his gullible personality- WRONG AGAIN. This isn’t possible. If you look again when they entered the VR world, Ouma never once hinted on Gonta to join him. In fact, look at the 2nd fact:

Ouma did manipulate Gonta throughout their time in the VR world after Gonta himself volunteered to watch over Ouma.

It’s true. Although when Kaito said something like “Geez, he really knows how to manipulate people.” He thought, along with influencing all the players, that Ouma manipulated Gonta into being his bodygaurd, which is false. Fact is, Gonta volunteered to help which motioned Ouma into manipulating him and thus using him to commit a murder he didn’t do. Ouma didn’t specifically choose, he was just given the chance. And he took it. Although he didn’t know about his paralysis setting until the investigation, Ouma stated that he knew that Iruma must’ve already thought of a way to prevent him from fighting back, which was why he needed someone to do the dirty work.

In conclusion, Gonta being his murder buddy was just. a. coincidence. He only took action after Gonta volunteered to be his bodyguard.

OKAY, SO IS THIS QUESTION SOLVED? GOOD.

Moving on, why did Ouma manipulate Gonta the entire time to kill Iruma?

TO SAVE HIS ASS GODDAMNIT. HE DIDN’T WANT TO DIE. I mean, look at the third and eight fact. 

Ouma used Gonta to kill Miu to save his own ass.

He was really angry at both Gonta and Kaito for stalling the killing game by not accepting the facts.

Dude, the lil’ supreme leader just wants to stay alive. He’ll sacrifice whatever he has to to do so.

NEXT.

Uh, thirdly, why did he turn into such an asshole towards Gonta after exposing that he’s the culprit?

We already know that he was such a huge dick for orchestrating Gonta’s exposure as the culprit by just... bluntly saying it. However, he became even more of a dick when he started condemning Gonta for being a stupid idiot. Looking back, was he not trying to imply to Gonta to just fess’ up? Didn’t Ouma give that kind of vibe when condemning Gonta? Especially when he said “If you aren’t the culprit, then you gotta prove that you aren’t!”

And when Gonta kept insisting that he doesn’t know anything-

He became especially angry. But why? Why was he so sick and tired of hearing Gonta refusing to back himself u-

Hey.

Hey, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I think we’ve got it all wrong.

I think this trial made us interpret this scene wrongly.

Because I don’t think he said that to force Gonta to fess’ up.

But rather, to get him to defend himself.

....

Wouldn’t that look more plausible?

ALRIGHT, TIME TO DISCUSS THIS SHIT.

I’m assuming we all know that Ouma didn’t see Gonta only as his pawn, seeing from his reactions and narration after the Voting Time. He found Gonta as someone with more value than a simple bodyguard, a simple pawn. I won’t clarify exactly how he saw Gonta, but it’s clear to say that Gonta’s life held some importance to Ouma after some point in the game.

^That’s a fact. The 11th fact.

So using this fact, and also taking into mind of how ridiculously smart Ouma is (e.g. planning his entire murder with script lines for Kaito to say and trying to beat the game itself all under a short period of time), wouldn’t it also be possible for Ouma to give Gonta some sort of plan on how to escape this, making the killing game more fun?

Wouldn’t that also explain why he was so angry that Gonta wasn’t trying to back himself up? Because he thought Gonta would follow through with his plan? I’ve never seen Ouma literally lose his shit over someone not giving something he wants.

Something. He. Wants.

He wanted Gonta to talk back, to give arguements. But Gonta couldn’t because he forgot everything. But Ouma didn’t know that. So he thought Gonta was being really stubborn, and if you were Ouma, you’d probably think Gonta would be an idiot too. Which could be why he was so upset that Gonta wasn’t saying anything.

^Okay, but giving Gonta a plan to defend himself is just speculation. In other words, my opinion.

However, Ouma losing his shit because he didn’t get what he wanted from Gonta is a fact. And Ouma not knowing is a fact too. Look back at the screenshots. If Ouma knew he forgot his memories, would he really, truly, lose his shit like that? “Cut it out already!” “I’m sick of you saying I don’t know!”

Wouldn’t he have just teased Gonta with his stupidity by saying “Heh, so he’s really this dumb after all! Not remembering his own murder.” (Which he did say something similar like this by the way, only after he found out about Gonta’s error.) So can you see the difference in his actions before and after learning about the error? He literally had a 180 change of attitude.

So let’s leave this question with the conclusion that Ouma was terribly upset because Gonta wasn’t being an obedient boy.

Alright, next problem. Why did Ouma break down after the Voting Time?

This is a common problem people ask each other all the time. Well, here’s how I see it:

Like I mentioned in the part1 post of this, Ouma is a kid who strictly followed a “no kill” policy So obviously this killing game has impacted him so much. All in the worst way possible. You know, like, actually committing a murder? Although Ouma didn’t stain his hands with blood, he still indirectly killed Iruma and Gonta. And I’m pretty sure, for a kid like him, it would be pretty fucking traumatising and loaded with guilt. Which is exactly why he’s seen breaking down.

Other than the fact that he held Gonta’s life with some importance, it’s highly likely that Ouma has guilt all over him. Which is why he tried to “fix” things by offering Monokuma to kill him instead. Because, well, like they all say-

“Those who break rules are scum, but those who abandon their friends are worse than scums.” Well said, Obito.

He broke the “no kill” rule. He hurt many people. He led the poor Gonta, who has no memory of the killing, to his death.

Isn’t that just sooooooooo despair-like?

Something that’ll reeeeaaaaaaaalllyyyy devastate Ouma?

People say the crying was just part of his lying act. Well then do enlighten me. What reason would he have for breaking down, assuming it’s a lie, instead of rubbing it in Gonta’s face some indirect way or another. Instead of saying something witty or saying that he’s such a fool? What other reason could he have for breaking down in front of everyone in the room, other than actually crying because of guilt and sadness?

Please. Enlighten me.

Oh? You’re gonna use the “but he’s the mastermind and felt no remorse” excuse at my face? Gosh, I at least hoped your argument would be entertaining. Sighs.

Well then, let’s move on to the next question-

We already know he wasn’t the mastermind, but why did he act like one?

Well, remember this?

Did we ever actually see Ouma fulfill that promise? I mean, did he even try to fulfill it?

The answer is yes, tumblr.

You must remember that Ouma is a liar. And he shows his concern (e.g. shuichi) through his lies (idk go do his free time event you’ll see). With all his good intentions in his heart, it’ll always come forth through a lie, with a lie, by a lie. He always used his lies and confusing words to bring forth the truth in class trials, though he lets Shuichi hog the glory. Though, the fact remains that he does help the class trial with his lies. He grows bonds through his lies. He helps people through his lies.

I’ll let you figure out how that happens if he’s lying all the time. Now, remember the last fact?

In the end, after the execution, he suddenly had a change in character and became very antagonistic. Hm, how fitting for an “Ultimate Supreme Leader”.

Why? Why did he suddenly change to become so antagonistic? Yes, maybe he showed himself to be more of a dick than usual, but we already know why. So then in that case, why the bloody fuck did he suddenly pretend to be the mastermind?

Why did he lie to be the mastermind if he’s not?

To answer that, remember what I just said? With all his good intentions in his heart, it’ll always come forth through a lie, with a lie, by a lie.

Doesn’t that make his mastermind role-play the biggest lie he’s ever told to them? (Stfu about “but he lied about his talent. he’s not the leader of a 10,000 member secret organization isn’t that big” bullshit. We already established in part1 why he did so)

And wouldn’t his promise to Gonta be the only promise, yet hardest, to accomplish? I mean Gonta asked Kokichi Ouma, the most dickhead of them all, to make sure “everyone forgive each other and be friends”.

But Ouma can only lie. He can only tell the truth through his lies. He can only help through his lies. He can only guide people through his lies.

I’m sure you know what I’m trying to get at.

BUT JUST IN CASE YOU’RE THAT BLIND TO SEE, YES, HE PRETENDED TO BE THE MASTERMIND TO FULFIL HIS PROMISE TO GONTA. BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY HE KNOWS HOW TO DO IT. HE CAN’T POSSIBLY “Okay guys! We need to team up and bring this mf Monokuma down!” BECAUSE IT’S NOT HIS CHARACTERISTIC TO DO SO.

So by playing the mastermind, didn’t he bring everyone more together by making everyone target him? What better way to give hope to people than to get them to unite through a similar feeling. Sadly, that similar feeling would be their hatred towards Ouma. But if that’s how Ouma accomplishes Gonta’s wish, so be it.

However, if Gonta were still alive, he’d probably tell Ouma he’s just as idiotic as Gonta. Because “Gonta want Kokichi to also be friends with everyone. Kokichi cannot be left out!” or something.

So, yeah, that’s just Ouma’s way of fulfilling his promise.

SO IN CONCLUSION OF CHAPTER4,

No one said anything about Kokichi Ouma being forgiven for his action. Even Kokichi Ouma doesn’t want to be forgiven. For fuck’s sake, he wanted to kill himself after that class trial. No one said Kokichi Ouma should be forgiven. All I’ve explained was why he did those things. Do you see me justifying his murder? Do you see me justifying why it was right for him to do so? All my arguments may have been leaning in favour of Ouma, but come on look at the title of this post....

With that being said, this is part2A. Yes, there’s a part2B which is my final closing argument of Kokichi Ouma. I’ll cover up Chapter5 and ending off my analysis of Kokichi Ouma.

[akemilena]

SolidS Drama CD 1 -Don’t work too hard!- track 2

Workaholic -仕事人間-

Track 1 || Translation index || Track 3

Shiki: Yes, I can send it in tomorrow. I’m sorry for the wait. Ah, about the cover design, we’ll discuss it in another occasion. Yes, well then, excuse me.

*sigh* There’s so many calls today… Let’s see… All that’s left is the final adjustment… If I deliver it tomorrow during working hours, I can get over with it for now…

No, that’s not it. What was I even thinking when I made this… It’s not like these are my guys. I can’t ask this sound from them. If I made Tsubasa sing this, it could be fun… No, if I did it, I should make the sound at the back more dramatic… and changing the key here… adding Rikka’s voice, and Dai and I- no… I’m not making a SolidS song now… *sigh* I don’t have time, what am I even doing…

For now I’ll stock this. And for the song I’m providing, I should make the melody simpler and easier to sing overall… Easier to sing, huh… That’s something I could never say to Tsubasa. Okay, for now I’ll talk with the other party to get a confirmation.

*sigh*

Of course, I’m tired… I’ll go to the kitchen and get a coffee… No, before that, a nap… ah… now that I think about it, there was something related to promotion that needed to be checked… and then… the call from earlier… the cover design…

Tsubasa: *storms in* Hey, Shiki!!! Eh…

Shiki: *sleeping sounds*

Tsubasa: Crashed again? I’m always telling you to go to bed if you finish working… Man, I’m surprised you can even sleep in that position… Hey, heeey, Shiki! Wake up! *chuckle* Geez. If you sleep here, you’re going to hurt your back, darling ♪ You’re not that young anymore.

Shiki: It’s none of your business, honey.

Tsubasa: Whoa?! You were awake…?

Shiki: I wasn’t asleep in the first place.

Tsubasa: You know, if you say that with drool falling from your mouth…

Shiki: Don’t be so stingy about a physiological phenomenon.

Tsubasa: If you don’t want me to say that, go sleep properly in a bed.

Shiki: I can’t sleep yet.

Tsubasa: No no no, you need to sleep at least once! Your eyes are bloodshot!

Shiki: I’ll go to bed once I get to a point where I can stop.

Tsubasa: When will that even be… *sigh* This time, Tsubasa-kun will specially make the bed personally for you, so you tidy up around here.

Shiki: I told you I can’t sleep yet…

Tsubasa: Yeah, yeah! Just do what I say… *opens door* whoa?! Wai- wha- terrible!!! What’s with this dirty room!!!

Shiki: Hey! Don’t go into someone’s bedroom without permission!

Tsubasa: That work room is organized!! Then why is this… such an amazon?!

Shiki: That’s my on and off.

Tsubasa: That’s totally not how you use them!!

Ahh… He’s brought in the documents even on top of the bed… Books left open… Unfinished coffees… whoa! At least put the tablet somewhere else! What if you step on it??

Shiki: I usually get some good ideas just after waking up.

Tsubasa: When you sleep, you sleep! When you work, you get out of bed!!

That sound… you’re working again, aren’t you?

Hey, Shiki, give it a break already!

Shiki: It’s you who should give me a break, stop bothering me.

Tsubasa: Work aside, you should be thanking my consideration for taking so much care of you!

Shiki: What did you even come to do here?

Tsubasa: Eh? Um… What was it…

Shiki: *sigh* If you need something, say it quickly. If you’re bored, go tell to Rikka or Dai to take care of you. I’m busy.

Tsubasa: Ah, that’s it! You’re too busy!

Shiki: Huh? There’s nothing I can do about being busy.

Tsubasa: There is something! You’re the one who’s always saying that taking care of our condition is part of our work too.

Shiki: At this point I haven’t fallen sick yet, and I shouldn’t be causing any hindrances on your schedule either.

Tsubasa: For now, yeah? But you’re barely there. You were drooling while sleeping just a moment ago… come on.

Shiki: *sigh* I’ll listen to your complaints later, but for now please let me be. Today there’ve been a lot of calls and I haven’t been able to concentrate on work at all. And other than that, there are various things piled up that I need to reply to within today.

Tsubasa: If calls are a burden, how about you make them call you to the common room’s phone? Then we can answer in your place.

Shiki: Even if you answer them, they’ll end up going to me anyway.

Tsubasa: Well, that’s true…

Shiki: It’ll only make it worse. I’ll take the intention. Thank you.

Tsubasa: *sigh* Shiki. You know? I understand you’re the producer, and you have more work than us to begin with. SolidS is in good shape lately, and I bet it’s difficult to handle well all the new offers. You like work, and I know you’re busy because of that work. I understand, but… At least, choose what to be busy with. Don’t… make songs for other people anymore.

Shiki: Tsubasa…

Tsubasa: I don’t like it! I might be narrow-minded, but I really hate it!!

Shiki: Just because I’m busy with other works, that doesn’t mean I’ll hold back on SolidS.

Tsubasa: Of course, idiot.

Shiki: SolidS is my main work, to the end.

Tsubasa: I know that! But I still don’t like it! If you had that time, you could write more songs for us, right?

Shiki: There’s something called compromises.

Tsubasa: Is that important something you’re doing because of compromises? Isn’t that just an obligation?

Shiki: It’s precisely because there are compromises and obligations, that I’m making them accommodate for SolidS.

Tsubasa: The so-called adult circumstances?

Shiki: You could call them that.

Tsubasa: I’m saying something childish?

Shiki: That’s right.

Tsubasa: At least try to deny it, damn it.

Shiki: I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.

Tsubasa: Eh?

Shiki: As usual, you always say whatever comes to your mind without thinking twice.

Tsubasa: I still feel you’re making fun of me.

Shiki: Really? I thought I was praising you?

Tsubasa: Liar.

*phone rings*

Shiki: Hm? Hello? Ah, it’s you? No, I’m sorry. It’s been a while. What’s u- huh? Just there? Wait a moment! Anyway, let me hear about it first. Don’t jump through plans on your own! Okay. I’ll go immediately.

Tsubasa: Eh? What do you mean immediately?

Shiki: I’ll go out for a bit.

Tsubasa: Weren’t you so busy with work?

Shiki: I got an urgent business.

Tsubasa: Ahh, hey, wait!!

Rikka: Eh, Shiki? Are you going out?

Shiki: Yeah, I’m off. I’ll eat dinner outside, so you don’t need to wait for me.

Dai: See you later.

Tsubasa: Ahhh, dammit! I was so close to kicking him into the bed!! Shit, who was that person on the phone…

Dai: Phone? Work again?

Tsubasa: Eh? Ah, no… it didn’t really sound like that… A friend?

Dai: Shiki’s friend…?

Rikka: That’s rare. You’d think he’d decline saying he’s busy with work.

Tsubasa: Right…

Dai: Maybe they’re super good friends?

Tsubasa: You think so? He didn’t sound that happy…

Rikka & Dai & Tsubasa: Hm…

Track 1 || Translation index || Track 3

TL notes:

I love this track so much ;_; it really shows how much Tsubasa worries about Shiki and cares about SolidS... jealous tsubasa best tsubasa

Next track is also one of my personal favourites! Look forward to it~

Thanks for reading!!

[depersonalized4safetyreasons]

My initial post was made after checking on his IG and FB. But I forgot the existence of Twitter at the time. Yea I saw someone else said the statements r still on his twt later, but they did disappear on the other two, so my initial post is partially false, but partially true too. As far as I know, being a liar has to have the intention of misleading ppl, which I don't. So how is that spreading lies?😂

Though my point has never been about which platform, it is about the conscious effort of deleting them. And u know what? I took a look on his twt. His recent posts r just IG links generated via "linked accounts". That shows he or his team don't use twt much recently, maybe that's why they didn't bother to make the deletion there. Of course, everything can go opposite tmr. But to repeat my point, it's not about WHICH platform, but the action of retraction.

Seems that u like calling ppl names. I got "moral authority", "liar" basically, "hypocrite", and "bully". Did I go to his SMs attacking his fans? No. So when did expressing views on their OWN blog a bully act? Who did I hurt? You? If ur upset by me, feel free to block me, simple.

And Tom got "criminal", "abuser", and"bully". Hell even I don't describe Tom as a bully, unless there's evidence showing him consistently bully others for many years. But ur right, it's ur choice to stan such ppl. I don't have a problem with the Tom fans who still support him. It's the ones who bash the band. See the difference? U can support him without attacking others. So I made the choice of unfollowing him instead of coming at others like u did.

I used to be looking forward to his rejoin u know? After seeing the pic of him and Vikki tgt happily. I thought "it'd be the greatest story to tell if he returns to the band as a better man!" I was quite excited. But then the thought got runiend by some of his stans, some comments they directed at the band… I'd never say that to Tom. I'd thought the band murdered someone if I didn't know. So IDC anymore, at least for now. And ur not helping either.

Like I said I tried to follow his IG cuz I wanted Tom to get better too, I held hope and optimism. So u either stop accusing me names or u got the wrong dictionary.

And, I just don't get how I'm the same as Tom. As far as I know, I can't sing. And I've never assaulted anyone. And what obsession? This whole thing? I'm curious of all their next step, like many others do. So of course I check on them every often. Compared to what obsession of his? Alcohol? What mental gymnastics do I do to comprehend ur talking man

Just found out both the statements r deleted from Tom's social medias.

Wtf man? What about acknowleding ur past actions and owning up to it? Isn't it a better showing of ur evolution to a better man if both ur past statements, and future achievements r seen on ur account? And the comments of those posts, tons of concerns, well wishing, and of course criticisms from fans and disappointed ppl r all gone now. I know it's probably his new management's doings but this, and one of his managers leaving comments here and there left a bad taste in my mouth. Looks like they just want to pretend nothing happened when u go onto his social medias.

I've had follow his ac for a few days before, to know more conveniently what posts he liked, but undid it eventually, cuz it could just be his manager anyway, and some of his stans really got on my nerves. All things make it feel wrong and I don't want to see his face for now.

Meanwhile Kasabian's statements r still there, as they should be.