#how long can you numb this pain till you face it?

[fan-goddess]

can you hotd characters (mostly alicent and rhaenrya) when the reader almost passes in child birth? thank youuuu :3

A/N: Yep can do! I’ve never given birth, gotten pregnant nor seen anything resembling child birth apart from the Aemma scene in HOTD so I hope I did this justice!? Sorry this has taken so long!

Character Roll Call: Rhaenyra, Alicent, Daemon, Aemond and Jacaerys (All romantic love)

Warnings: Child birth, talk of infertility, talk of not able to have children, pregnancy, she/her pronouns used in some places for reader, talk of death during childbirth, talk about smut but no smut, dirty talk, a most likely inaccurate childbirth telling, graphic detailing of blood and gore, this is not proofread! (if I miss any please let me know in a way you’re most comfortable!)

Rhaenyra Targaryen:

It was not the typical marriage you and your husband shared. For whilst you had never had a particular fondness for goose, he understood that and went after his own interest in tasting the variety the world provided him with.

So while he was off exploring, you were in the chambers of the heir of the realm. Showing her your devotion in the most unexpected of ways.

Yet soon, after nearly two years of marriage with no children, people were beginning to become suspicious of your womb. More specifically, your husband’s own family. There was talk of them already arranging a second marriage for him as your womb was supposedly infertile. So after a talk with him, you and your husband for a whole of three months, with the help of Rhaenyra. And just when you thought your efforts were unsuccessful, the maester greeted you with a smile, and told you you were with child.

Your lover took the news surprisingly well, as Rhaenyra spent all hours of the day with you comparing possible names for the baby. Your husband had done his part in this game. Now, you and Nyra could spend your days eating the cake and kissing the days away. Acting oblivious to the hateful world surrounding the two three of you.

“What about Aurion?” Nyra suggests, a lazy smile on her lips as she places a fork with a large chunk of vanilla cake on the end between your lips.

“Hmmmmm” You hum, smiling in thought. “Perhaps let’s not raise more suspicions than we’d like my darling. How about something not so Valyrian?”

She laughs, and yet agrees with you with her smile turning strained and sad. Her hand reaches for your own instinctively and you quickly move to grab it and squeeze it tight. “Alright alright! What about Rhys? Ivan? Those are some more boring names!”

You laugh, and yet make sure to note them down somewhere in your head. You discuss names of girls also, just in case. Yet months later as you sat screaming your heart out on the birthing bed, those names disappeared as pain became all you know.

“You must push my lady! The baby is trapped you must push!” One of the ladies in waiting says as she positions herself by your bottom half.

“I’M TRYING TO FUCKING PUSH!” You scream, sweat dripping down your face as your eyes screw shut. Your voice loud as the pain spreads further through you, till eventually you feel it all over.

Soon, the pain that blooms all over becomes numbing. Especially, when you feel your eyes becoming heavy, eventually shutting so all you see is black and the world becomes silent.

“What is happening?!” Rhaenyra screams, her face becoming pale as memories of her mother come flooding to her head. “What is happening to her?!”

“The lady is haemorrhaging!” One of the maesters yells, a multitude of rags of all sorts in his hands as he attempts to stop the blood from further dripping onto the floor. The babe that had quite literally fallen out of your whilst you had fallen unconscious was quickly taken away by the ladies in waiting to be cleaned and attended to. So now, all focus was on keeping you alive. By order of the future Queen of Westeros.

It feels as thought it had taken hours to stop the bleeding. Yet that meant nothing till Rhaenyra who waited anxiously by your side with your hand in her own. Her fingers poised by your pulse so she can reassure herself that you were truly living beside her and not dead like her mother.

By the time you had finally begun to rouse from your deep slumber, the day had turned to night. And all those in the room were exhausted from the effort it took. The maesters in particular, who knew that if they allowed themselves to slack, the princess would soon be upon them with the fury of the dragons.

“My love….” Rhaenyra whispered, at this point uncaring of the multiple people in that room who’d scuttle themselves to her father and the hand at the slightest chance of a scandal. “Do you hurt?”

“As much as childbirth allows me to be in…” You laugh, yet wincing as soon as your body moves. “I am glad you were here… i fear if you weren’t-“

“Do not speak of such things!” Rhaenyra begs, her hands clutching your own tightly as if she was fearful you would drop dead. “I forbid it!”

“Do you say that as my future queen or as my friend?” You murmur, both knowing the true meaning of the word.

“I say that as both..” Rhaenyra whispers, kissing the top of your head as one of the ladies in waiting comes in holding the bundle containing your baby.

“It’s a daughter, my lady.” She says, walking over and placing her in your arms.

“She’s beautiful…” you can’t help but say, brushing away one of her curls from her eyes. You can feel Rhaenyras eyes on you, and so you take her hand and somehow manage to pull her closer.

“I wish to name her Arya.” You firmly say, locking eyes with your daughter who begins to cry in hunger.

“Beautiful…” Rhaenyra says, unable to tear her eyes from the sight of you beginning to breastfeed your child.

Alicent Hightower:

Even while Alicent was married to the king, yours and hers unique relationship had never once wavered. When Alicent had her children with the king, who did not even enter the room when the time of birth came, it was you who held her hand in place of her mother’s, and murmured soft words of encouragement and affirmation into her ears.

While you had your own, even though your mother was there to be by your side as a place of comfort, it was only Alicent name that sprung from your lips. Begging for her to come closer so you can hold her hand and beg her for mercy and encouragements.

Most recently, your third pregnancy had been said by the maesters to be the most difficult one yet. Pain was all you knew through those last few months. Pain in your legs from when you were forced to walk to the dining hall. Pain in your belly from where not only did the baby insist on kicking but also from the cramps the maesters insisted did not need to be further looked at.

Yet Alicent was always close by ready to lend a helping hand whenever the moment allowed her too. According to her, she still has the old treatment the maesters had prescribed her with just in case she fell pregnant again after Daeron.

“You… my utter darling, are my world!” You moaned, eyes shut closed as Alicent carefully massaged the soothing ointment into the base of your feet. She continues to help whenever she can. The ointments and herbs she providing you with being much better than anything the dreading maesters could’ve ever given you.

Yet like most treatments, the effectiveness wore off. Soon, not even the most obscure of medicines would work on you. Pain was always lingering in every part of your body. Even in places you had no idea were on your body.

“I just want this babe out of me!” You groan one night while Alicent once again attempts to stop your pain using this time a supposed miracle working ointments from Lys. “Nothing is fucking working!”

“Well complaining won’t solve anything!” Alicent attempts to jest, though quickly haults any other further attempt after a harsh glare worthy enough to rival the Strangers is sent hastily her way. “Perhaps it is the gods way of telling you how strong you are for having this child? A way to tell you how powerful your son will no doubt be in the future?”

“I would not care if I was to birth a dragon for gods sakes I only with for it to come out of me so I can no longer feel so fucking horrible!” You groan, “I have already told my lord husband that this shall be my last time on that fucking bed! If he even brings his cock within inches of me it’s being torn off his body and fed to your children’s dragons my love!”

“Oh hush now!” Alicent scows, a rare bout of anger coming about her. “The gods have their meanings and their ways! Though I for once shall agree with you. You will be having three beautiful children my love, and that is all you need. Perhaps you could give birth to a daughter and we can betroth her to Aemond?”

“Perhaps…”

By the time the ninth moon has passed, it is quick to say that you were very much serious about this being your last child.

“GET THE FUCKING CHILD OUT OF ME!” You scream, the maesters wincing at the volume rivalling that of a child being born. Something your own child it seems is refusing to let happen. “RIP IT OUT IF MUST BUT IF I DIE I SHALL HAUNT THIS KEEP FOREVER MORE!”

“There shall be no talk of dying on this bed from you!” Alicent yells, her grip on your hands almost as tight as your hand on hers.

The maesters voices cutting through though as they announce how they can see the babes head. Meaning to much your relief the pain will hopefully be soon over and you can hold the thing that’s been hurting you for nearly nine moons in your arms to give it a stern talking off.

You make sure to push hard when the maesters tell you too, even pushing when they don’t so you could hopefully get the babe out quicker. But even when you feel the babe quite literally fall out of you and hear its cries, the maesters make their own cries far more audible.

“Alicent what is happening?!” You ask, feeling what feels like warm liquid gushing from your lower half. Only she does not respond. Only turning paler than the sheets that with horror, you realise are turning a deep red from blood. Your blood.

And It only turns worse when you realise just how faint you feel. A once iron grip you had on Alicents hand turning weak and feeble as your eyes slowly begin shutting.

It’s all a blur when you feel your body waking. Yet still your eyes have not grown enough strength to open, so it’s with great horror you realise you are still conscious but are practically unable to move. You are alive but it is as if your body is dead.

You can hear Alicent beg for your sake. And you realise with your heart beating frantically in your chest that you can also hear her hushing a baby you had not realised was crying this whole time. Your baby.

“Your mother is sleeping now…” You can hear her say, tears building in your eyes when you hear how damaged her voice sounds. “She is strong, your mother. She will wake and see what a beautiful baby boy she has waiting for her… it won’t be long now. I promise.”

You try as hard as you can to open your eyes, yet your attempts prove to be impossible. Yet somehow, you manage to utter two words to your lover while your lower half screams in pain at you.

“Thank you…”

Daemon Targaryen:

It was no surprise to anyone when after a few mere moons after your marriage to the rogue Prince Daemon, you were announcing you were pregnant with his child.

The king had said his congratulations and announced a feast in his nephew or nieces name, and even Daemon had to admit the whole ceremony was wonderful.

Yet like everything in life, all good things must come to an end. The announcement of the first babe of the rogue prince turned sour as news quickly spread about how much pain you were in from them.

The babe refused to let you rest for even a second. All it did was kick and kick, and make you feel shitter than any other possible ailment in the world. You almost felt like having a conversation with the stranger after one too many bouts of particularly bad spells.

“You must let your muña rest ñuha trēsy… let ñuha jorrāelagon rest…” Daemon murmurs one night against the swollen bulge of your stomach. The warmth his dragon like body providing you with being possibly the best thing he’s given you since the day you married him.

“You know I do not understand a single thing you say in that tongue of yours…” You say, eyes closed as you relish in the lack of kicking and blinding pain. If it wasn’t obvious before, it was at least obvious now that your child had chosen favourites.

“Just because you cannot understand something does not mean you cannot understand the beauty of it.” Daemon murmurs, his voice gentle and nurturing as he continues attempting to soothe you.

His words to others would be considered strange and out of character. But as you’ve come to realise over the time of your betrothal and marriage, even though that shared time has lasted around only a year, you know deep down beneath the hardened dragon scale skin of his is a heart that bears solely for the life of those he loves. The latest addition being of course the babe of his own blood nestled in your belly.

It was such a lovely moment, and yet it seemed that would be the last of its kind the rest of the time your babe was steadily growing inside. The more time passed the less Daemons unusually warm body worked in soothing your unrelenting aches and pains.

“Are you okay ñuha jorrāelagon?” He asks one evening, his brows furrowed in what has become a near constant state of stress and worry for you. For is has now nearly been a full nine moons of pregnancy, and with that, it means the babe will hopefully be born.

“Unless you can get this child out of me with no pain,” You grunt, mentally cursing Daemons cock for being what it was. “Then I suggest you leave me be and allow me to wallow with the seed you yourself placed within me!”

For the first time in a while, Daemons worried stricken face turns cheery as he laughs at the familiar wit of yours that helped him to fall in love with you in the first place. The rest of the day is filled with similar circumstances, as while the babe continues to make your days a misery, Daemon is right by your side never ever venturing too far away from you.

You suppose it is why he insisted on being by your side when two days pass and you were on the birthing bed, his hand locked firmly in yours while your screams echo off the walls. You swear you can feel your cunt tear and drip with blood, yet with how much you screamed you honestly couldn’t be able to hear it.

“Please Daemon!” You beg, a multitude of tears running down your face. “Please make it stop!”

“It’ll be over soon ñuha jorrāelagon…” Daemon tries to comfort you with soft words and a tight reassuring grip, and yet his face clear as day is struck with fear and nervousness.

“You said that hours ago Daemon!” You sob, screaming even more as you feel the dragon spawn within you break even more of your innards. “I just want it out!”

“You will my love you will! You are strong and brave and a fighter! You will not die today do you hear me!?”

Daemons hands envelope the sides of your head to force you to look and him, and yet he’s utterly horrified when your eyes roll to the back of your head and your hand that was once clutching his shirt for dear life falls limply by your side.

Daemons words reach no bounds as he insults the maesters and common people alike, swearing if his wife was to die then all shall die with her. So even in the seven hells his wife can make sure she achieves the justice she deserves.

Yet it somehow enrages him further when by the next hour, the maesters have managed to successfully take out the babe from within you, and present it to him as his first born, whilst other maesters make quick work of stemming the bleeding and disposing of the evidence.

Daemons eyes watche as a wet nurse moves to take his son into her arms and takes him into another room so she can clean his son, and it’s not until they’ve left does he begin to shout.

“IS THAT ALL IT TOOK? MY WIFE WAS SCREAMING IN AGONY ON THE BED, BLOOD POURING OUT, AND YET IT IS ONLY WHEN YOUR LIVES ARE THREATENED DO YOU HELP HER?!” He yells, his hand clutching the hilt of dark sister as a reminder that he has the upper hand. He’s the prince of the realm. The rogue Prince. If he wanted to kill people then he will fucking kill someone.

The maesters faces turn ashen as they stand there, practically shaking as they fear for their lives. Daemon is almost tempted to actually kill them. To send a message that no one fucks around with the rogue princes wife. That is however, until he hears a stir behind him and feels a familiarly soft hand clutch his own that previously had clutched dark sister.

“My love!” Daemon breathes, his face one of pure joy as he drops the sword hastily and moves to clutch your still weak body in his arms. “I was so worried!”

“What have you done with my Daemon?” He can hear you say, the laughter in your tone surprising considering what had just happened.

“Don’t worry ñuha jorrāelagon, he was here a few moments ago, about to kill some pathetic fucking maesters…” Daemon begins, turning with a dark glare when he sees the said maesters still standing where they were before in fear. “But I suggest they scarper before dark sister becomes hungry for rat blood once more!”

This time, Daemon doesn’t turn back to watch them all practically run from the room. Not when there is someone in front of him so much more important.

“Where are they?” You say, your movements still sluggish as you wince while trying to turn your body to look around the room.

“Where is who ñuha jorrāelagon?” Daemon asks, preoccupied with finding the cup of milk of the poppy one of the maesters had said was somewhere in the room. A hum of satisfaction slipping his lips when he eventually sees it and grabs it, before placing it by your lips to try and force you to drink it.

“Where’s our baby?” You murmur, wincing again when the bitter taste of the drink runs down your throat. “I want to see them!”

“I will get him for you jorrāelagon.” Daemon says, moving to the direction of where the wet nurse had taken his son too. When he does find her, he does not care for whatever she has to say. Instead just moving to take the boy in his arms and walk back to you, who’s already sat up through the pain ready to see your son.

“Oh Daemon…” You breath, your eyes focused solely on the babe in his arms. “He’s beautiful…”

“He takes after you…” Daemon murmurs back. A soft smile on his face as he moves the boy into your arms. “What shall we name him my love?”

“What about Aenor? First of his name…”

“I love it…” Daemon murmurs, kissing the top of your sweat soaked head and moving to perch against the edge of the bed transfixed by the holy sight in front of him. “I love you…”

Aemond Targaryen:

Your husband wasn’t anything except attentive. Every moment after finding out you were with child he spent within meters of yourself. Even when you slept, his hand was always placed on your stomach.

“I would never allow myself to live if you were hurt ñuha vēzos.” Aemond would murmur against your skin, amongst other Valyrian words this time against the curve of your slowly swelling belly. Each one sending your skin further and further aflame with desire and love for your husband.

The whole pregnancy though, for the most of it, was smooth and ordinary. The baby had begun to kick a little after the fifth moon of your pregnancy, and Aemond was eager to experience every part of it. Yet when you’d passed the eighth moon, that was when everything began to turn on its head.

Pain was blooming in your stomach nearly everyday, and even with the maesters having to forcibly pour milk of the poppy down your throat, you had resisted firmly, not wanting the babies health to be put as such risk especially so close to the due date. Especially when you have been in the presence of the king, who openly abused the opioid near daily.

Yet the maesters with stern eyes and unwavering faces, claimed that if anything, it was the pain inside you that would risk the babies health. So whilst you wished pain on the maesters, they stood there stiffly with a near full to the brim cup of the drink. They watched every time you were needed to drink it. Even going as far as to make you open your mouth wide to make sure you weren’t resisting.

Aemond though like he had done so earlier in your pregnancy, was never as far as an arms reach. He never said anything to maesters face to face, yet he certainly did not hide his anger from you when the two of you would lay in bed holding one another in a close embrace.

“If it weren’t for the babe, I’d strike them where they stand…” He’d begun to murmur. Starting his now usual evening moan about how according to him, they weren’t good enough to care for his pregnant wife. Sometimes it’s sad as you realise how he at his lowest points believes even he is not good enough for you.

“Don’t let that stop you…” You indiscreetly murmur back, a clear glare on your face as you try to drink something to wash away the bitter taste of milk of the poppy.

“Dont you tempt me now ñuha vēzos… I very much can and will make my way to wherever those men lie and slaughter them before it’s time to break fast tomorrow.” Aemond chuckles, a comforting hand on your stomach where near instantly you can feel the babe kick twice. As if the babe was eager to say hello to its father.

“That’s right ñuha valītsos… kepa is here…” Aemond murmurs, his deep voice sending shivers down your very spine. If you weren’t already eight moons pregnant, you very well would be eager to take him right at this moment and take his seed deep inside till it takes root.

“You are getting distracted valītsos…” Aemond says, smirking at the dark blush that spreads on your face. It matters not how long you’ve been married to Aemond for, since he’ll always manage to find a way to fluster him. You suppose it’s as fun for him as it is for you to fluster him. Though you suppose by doing that is how you ended up in this position in the first place…

“How can I not, when theres such a beautiful man in front of me?” You say, grinning triumphantly when Aemonds own face turns a light pink. It’s not as dark as your own, but even seeing Aemond blush without him trying to hide himself away counts as a win to you.

The two of you revel in the rare soft moment between you both, and it’s not long before you both fall asleep holding each other.

It felt so perfect at that moment, as all the previous worries about the babe swept away. The both of you honestly didn’t think the whole ordeal could get worse. That is however, until your waters broke and you were lying on the birthing bed. Your screams breaking Aemonds heart as he tries his best to comfort you to the best of his ability.

Yet his controlled anger and frustration comes out in waves as your screams continue further and further into the day, and the maesters it seems are no further to helping you than from when they started.

Aemond withholds every single urge to kill them for their insolence for your sake, given that they are supposedly they best men available to help bring his and your child into the world. Though when he sees your eyes roll to the back of your head and your body go limp after attempting to push the babe out again per the maesters instructions, all hell broke loose there and then.

“What have you done!?” Aemond yells, his voice whilst commanding also torn with how scared he feels at that moment. His uncles wife, and his grandsires wives had died in childbirth attempting to bring a child into the world. He cannot have such a thing happen to you.

“You are meant to help my wife not fucking kill her! If she is to die today then so shall all of you! Your blood shall stain these walls if she dies do you all understand!” He yells, tears brimming in his eyes from how emotional he currently feels. Aemond refuses to let go of you hand as the maesters scurry around like rats to appease him.

It’s not long before the sound of a babes cry brings him from his sorrowful thoughts.

“It’s a daughter my Prince.” One of the maesters says, before handing her off to a nearby maid presumably to go clean her off of all of your blood and other bodily fluids Aemond most certainly does not wish to be thinking of right now.

Instead, Aemond chooses to grab a lone damp cloth free from any uncleanliness, and carefully uses it to wipe away the sweat on your face. Yet even with all of that Aemond still believes you to be as beautiful as when he first ever saw you.

The sound of your blood onto the floor that Aemond had tried to ignore for his own sake earlier finally stops, and he’s grateful that the maid comes back with his daughter then so he doesn’t have to think about any of that.

“I will give the baby to a wetnurse my Prince for her first feed.” The maid begins to say, about to walk away. That is however before she feels the princes hand clutching tightly on her shoulder forbidding her to leave.

“She will feed from her mother.” Aemond says firmly, moving to take his daughter away from the silly woman’s grasp. “‘Twas a decision me and my wife made and you shall respect that. Now leave.”

The maid stands there a moment surprised, even looking to the maesters for guidance in the situation. But when Aemond looks up at them with a cold glare on his face and a sneer on his lips, both the maesters and the maid make quick work on leaving the Prince with his daughter in his arms and his unconscious wife by his side.

He does not know how long it is till you finally begin to stir, and yet it does not matter. All that does matter is that you woke at all.

“How are you feel ñuha vēzos?” Aemond murmurs, his daughter in one arm as in the other he holds the cup holding the milk of the poppy he makes you drink. Making sure you don’t waste a drop.

“Like I’ve given birth…” You simply say, suddenly focusing on the baby in Aemonds arms. “Is that-“

“Yes ñuha vēzos. This is our daughter.”

Aemonds hands her to you, and when she begins to stir it’s almost instantly you bring down your dress and place her near your breast. Hissing slightly as she begins to immediately nurse from it.

“She’s beautiful.” You find yourself saying, refusing to take your eyes from her. “She looks like you sweet husband.”

“She may look like me but I believe she has her mother’s beauty.” Aemond says, moving to hold your hand in his. “What shall we name her my love?”

“What about Elaenor?”

“It’s perfect…” Aemond says, kissing the top of your head. “She’s perfect…”

Jacaerys Velaryon:

It appears Jacaerys was ever as loyal as they say. As even after being married in an arranged fashion, and finding out you were pregnant with his child after consummating the marriage, his presence was never far from you.

When in the middle of the night sickness plagued your body, it was Jace who was right there next to you with a bucket in hand. Even going as far as to hold your hair back with his hand so no sick could ruin it.

“Is this what it is like for all women?” Jace asks, attempting to smooth you while you once again throw your dinner up into a bucket, groaning whilst you do so.

“Only the lucky…” You moan, about to turn to look at your husband before you find yourself immediately needing to throw up again.

At first, it was strange to you to have a husband be so close and eager to be by up side, given the stories that your mother had told you. Yet now, you honestly could not think of your marriage without the little services Jace provides you with.

Whenever you find yourself craving a certain food, no matter how bizarre or disgusting it may seem to him, Jace was always willing to call a maid and inform her to make it for you.

“Thank you husband.” You sigh in delight, chewing on some honey dipped carrots in the comfort of yours and Jaces bed.

“It is no problem my lady.” He says, awkwardly perched by the edge of the bed covers while he watches you eat.

“You can come closer Jace…” You laugh, patting the side of the bed indicating your want to have him closer to you. His warmth comforting. His smile kind. “You have seen me naked before. I do not think you have the ability right now to be shy. Call me by my name Jace. It is only fair since I have been calling you by yours.”

“Of course… wife.” Jace smiles, a strange girlish sounding giggle leaving your lips as he moves himself closer and opens his arms so he can enclose you in them. “Has the babe been bothering you much today?”

“Only as much as usual.” You sigh, choosing to invite his pointed stare in honour of eating another one of your special foods. “Though not as much as I have been eating these.”

“That is good.” He simply says, softly kissing the top of your head as he touches the skin of your arms with his hand. “That is good…” He repeats again more gentler than the last.

The next few months all went smooth as they could go. You were still throwing up in the mornings and some evenings, and experienced some horrible cramps once every few weeks. What was the most difficult and painful thing you had to endure however, was the birth of the babe itself.

It felt like it was ripping out of you. Screams pierced the air as it felt as if the babe was determined to take your insides out with it.

“It hurts!” You cry, holding Jaces hand so hard he has to hide any audible winces in pain, as whilst he is not the most experience man with women, he knew at that moment to not even think about saying his own pain. Not when he could tell his pain was like a mere headache compared to your own.

“It will soon be over!” Jace says, trying to squeeze your hand in an attempt to comfort you and let you know he is here. But with how much pain is flowing through your system he honestly doubts you can feel it right now.

“I just want it out!” You yell, screaming again as the maester intruders you to push. It’s almost like a rhythm, as when the maester tells you to push, you push. And when you push, you scream at the top of your lungs. It’s like that for what feels like hours and hours on end.

Yet soon, it’s finally over, as the maester finally steps away from you holding a crying baby. The maester looks at him, and shows him his crying daughter.

“A daughter my Prince.” The maester says, placing her in Jaces arms. Your husband’s eyes unable to tear away from the smallest child he thinks he’s ever seen. Possibly smaller than Joffrey from when he saw him as a child.

He turns to you to show you with a smile on his face, but that soon disappears when he sees your face.

“My love?” Jace begins, looking worriedly at your pale sweat layered skin. “You do not look well…”

You try to answer, and yet you even with all your strength you cannot even find yourself able to move your lips, your head even.

That though is when Jace turns his own head and sees the frantic moving of all the maesters and ladies in the room. It’s when he hears a most frightening of sounds. The sound of your blood falling and dripping onto the stone floor. It’s almost worse when he sees how deeply stained your dress is by your own blood.

He’s frozen as he stands there, completey horrified by what he’s seeing and hearing and yet he cannot find himself able to move. His daughter still in his arms, only it’s when she begins to fuss and make sound does another lady in waiting take her into her own arms to put her from the room.

The maesters are beginning to yell now. At the ladies in waiting mainly but to each other a handful of times too. They sound too loud. But that may be because Jace hasn’t said a word since you collapsed against a bed. He does not know what it is he should say. He does not know what it is he should do. His mother has insisted he be in the birthing room alone with his wife, and yet here he is standing alone in the middle of it looking like an idiot.

Yet while he’s thinking, it’s like some sort of driven force when he suddenly realises he’s been holding your hand. Your skin feeling cold and damp from sweat, and Jace stays there the entire time holding onto your hand and staring at you face. He commits to memory the rise and fall of your chest as you breathe, and the feeling of your heartbeat in his hand. He blocks out the sounds of chaos and panic, and chooses to focus on you.

Jacaerys slowly watches the colour bloom back into your face when the maesters finally manage to stem the flow of your blood and keep it inside you. Yet when he sees you open your eyes sluggish and exhausted, he cannot help but have his heart speed in happiness and joy. The smiles may have to come later though.

"My love, how do you feel?" Jace asks, still clutching your hand as he edges himself closer to you.

"Like l've given birth.." You simply say, even smiling as you slowly turn your head to look around the room. "Where is the babe?"

"She is with one of the ladies in the other room, if you wish me to fetch her I shall." He asks, watching as your eyes widen and your mouth fall open in what he can only say in a comedic fashion. Not that he'd dare mention that here though that is.

"We have a daughter…" You say, so silently that he barely even heard you. "Yes. Yes I want to see her!"

"I will go get the lady." Jace says, letting go of your hand for the first time in hours and admittedly as soon as he escapes your sights wipes the thick layer of sweat lingering on his hand on his shirt.

When he arrives back with his daughter in his arms though, he cannot help but smile as he watches your entire face light up at the sight of the babe with what could only be utter awe.

"We did that..." You say, reaching out and immediately rocking the small girl when she's in your arms. "We made her..."

“Yes…” Jace can’t help but agree with you, placing his hand on you as he sits beside you on the bed, watching you as you hold his and your child closely to your breasts. “We made her…”

[fartcloudfartcloud]

Do you mind doing a smut blurb about dry humping with Logan pls. I just need to read some dry humping with that man omfg

Tysm in advance you write Logan smut so well 😫😫 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Ofcourse I can lovely, and thank u so much omg im blushing. I'd do anything for this old man and if it were up to me I would have achieved atleast 1 nut on every inch of his body. you know how it is. I love writing dialogue so much, so I hope when I do it's like sexy and in character and not like ew why would he say that ykwim 😭😭😭 Also just realized u said dry humping and this is very much not dry, so if u want specifically some like over the clothes bumping and grinding I fuck with that too, just lmk 😋

Logan couldn't wrap his head around how so men come home to their beautiful girls, just to mistreat them. (he told me himself)

He couldn't imagine coming home and doing anything but pleasing whatever fresh faced beauty had burrowed their way into his heart.

Especially when that freshed faced beauty was as freshed faced and beautiful as you.

You'd fight him, shoo him away when he leers over your shoulder at your makeup routine and scold him when he's got his phone camera in your face. You'd never change his mind, no matter how hard youd try.

He didn't know how you could either, especially now when he's got you like this.

The room is hot and sticky as sounds of you and logans debauchery fill the room. The scene is nothing short of pornographic, since hes got you with your soaked core pressed into his thigh, your legs moving you in a mind numbing pattern.

Logans hands on your hips do most the work, though. He's got you pressed down in a way you're not sure you could sustain on your own, your hips locked back and clit taking most of the abuse, and it's driving you up the wall.

Your eyes are cast down, stairing at the fat of your pussy being smushed back and forth, leaving a slimy trail of slick to drip down the sides of Logans limb.

Logans eyes, however, have not left your face for a moment. You look jaw dropping like this, your head bobbing as your hands desperately grab onto whatever they can hold, your moans reaching a fever pich every time he applies just a little more force.

"You can take it, right baby?" The words don't make it past your lips, but you shakily nod and pant an audible "mhm".

"Atta girl," He praises, one hand coming up to grab your chin. He's got a goofy grin on his face, his pupils blown out and his hair falling into his face as he brings your eyes back up to his.

"There she is," His smile turns fond upon seeing your face again. His hand quickly returns to your hip and resumes his relentless assault on your core, this time his eyes locked on yours in an intimate embrace.

Not only can he smell it, but he can feel your impending climax. He can feel the way the slick is pouring from you, can feel the way your bud gets all stiff and sensitive. If nothing else, it was hard to ignore the way you shake like a leaf, your lungs void of air as it all overwhelms you.

"That's it right there, huh princess?" He asks, your voice becoming high pitched and whiney as you nod, your hands tightening on his tanktop.

"Let me see it baby. Don't take those pretty eyes off of me," He orders, picking up the pace, sprinting to bring you to your finish.

"Lo- its- mph~ i-im-" "shhh, just let it go," He whispers lowly, the sound going straight to your already buzzing center. It's not long before your eyes break his gaze, mindlessly rolling into the back of your head as the feeling consumes your body whole.

His hands don't falter, working you through your orgasm as you relentlessly shake and cry in his hands. Your face ties up, eyes now scrunched up and mouth dropped open in what is probably his favorite of all your looks.

He doesn't stop till you're twitching and squirming, whines going from orgasmic to almost painful as your whole core becomes sensitive.

"Fuck- Logan," you plead, wrapping your arms around his waist and hiding your face into your neck. You let out a deep sigh as you relax into him, feeling the waves of your release leaving you and being left with a mix of exhaustion and satisfaction.

He wraps his arms around you too, comforting you with his big arms and firm embrace.

"You have fun, princess?" He teases, kissing the crown of your head and pressing his face against it.

You respond with a quiet "mhm", face refusing to leave his neck.

He holds you like this, whispering soft words of so good, so pretty, my baby, into your ears and making your mind get all floaty and soft.

hope u enjoyed!! thank u for the request, keep them coming I'm having so much funnn omg

[jinxthequeergirl]

Fireworks

pines family x parental figure!reader/ implied stanfordx reader

Summary: based on the song "Fireworks" by mitski- you've lost yourself in your journey to bring back your friend from another dimension that you've almost forgotten about your family.

Warning: ANGST BABY!!!!! WOWOW! Also corny as hell

Enjoy

~~~~~~~☆~~~~~

You wondered how long you'd feel like this. The sense of constant unease and dread and guilt.

"You're going to drive yourself crazy staring at those pages."

You blinked with heavy eyelids as you stared at the half complete layout of the large portal machine. "I can figure it.. I know I can..." You mumbled.

"There's nothing we can do until we have the last journal."

You said nothing but focused on the pages, thinking till your brain was numb.

Stan sighed, realizing he wasn't getting you away from those books without a fight.

"ME and the kids are going to be outside incase you care to join us."

You mumbled or groaned he couldn't really tell the difference. He frowned he had noticed a change in you most recently though he knew you didn't think he did.

A slight grey in your eyes as you continued to work. He knew you wanted to bring Stanford home so did he. But not to the extent you had been pushing it too. So he quietly went to meet the kids upstairs.

You felt your eyes growing heavy. Your thoughts drift as you stared at the page and wondered when you had gotten to this point.

You had spent so much time crying for Stanford to come back, so much time blaming Stanley for losing him. Then the feelings just fossilized one morning. You knew they where still there. You still felt the grief, the guilt the anger.

But for some reason, you'd forgot how to cry.

You heard a faint popping from upstairs but didn't think much of it at first. Still dazing into the old journals.

Trying for anything. A spark of an idea a glimmer of hope, the courage to face what you feared be true, to feel less lifeless again.

hoping that the almost numb feeling wasn't your lost feelings for him. If that was the case, then that would mean you'd given up hope on finding him again.

You hear the popping again, followed by cheering. You look up for the first time in what feels like hours. Your neck hurts, and you groan in pain as your eyes are met with a photo of you and Stanford.

Is this what he would want for you? The feelings you had were real and still hurt. The feelings you had for Ford were just the same.

Your eyes drift to the photo next to it. You and Stanley and the kids squished together to fit the frame. A wide grin across all your faces.

You heard the popping and booming louder this time.

This isn't what Stanford would want for you. You decide as you push yourself out of the chair with a stretch and up the basement steps.

You he'd want you to realize that what you felt was healing. Not losing hope or feeling for him like you feared.

Your eyes adjust to the light as you step into the warm summer night.

He'd want you to connect with the people you called family.

"Y/n, you made it! We still have some fireworks left!" Mable cheered as you shut the door that led to the roof. "I saved all your favorite colors incase you came out."

Take care of yourself.

"I dunno guys. Isn't this kinda dangerous?" You asked. The twins shared a look with eachother before you laughed.

"Who am I kidding? Hand me the biggest one you have!" You exclaimed.

Stan laughed. "Ah there they are the y/n we all know and love!"

And more importantly be there for them.

You placed an apologetic hand on stans shoulder and offered him a smile. Which he returned.

You sat on the edge of the roof watching the fireworks for most of the night feeling your worries wash away.

Everything was gonna be alright with them by your side.

It always had been.

~~~~~~~☆~~~~~~

[sleepingcup]

Their Reaction to your lifeless eyes - [Genshin Edition]

Characters: Albedo, Wanderer/Scaramouche, Childe, Aether, Lumine, Ei

Genre: Platonic, Fluff, A little bit of angst, Before confession

———–

Backstory: You never had a nice life time, everything that you encounter makes you feel depressed and everyone loves to stay away from you. They called you a monster and your parents kicked you away, the best you can do was to survive as usual. But you never thought you encounter someone who was worried about you.

Albedo

He would find you facinating at first, but the minute he saw your lifeless eyes. People are telling him to avoid you of all places cause you actually look scary.

But that alone barely phases him, so he decided to walk up to you for a conversation. The more he stays with you the more his desires to destroy the world increases.

Let’s not forget that he would try everything he can to see your life full eyes and yet it failed so many times.

It saddens for him to know that it would be almost impossible but he decided to live with it and just accept who you are.

But he would be more interested about you even further since he is experiencing about how you were able to live your life.

His heart beat is something that he noticed yet he would be flustered when he realize that he had feelings for you.

Something about you makes him want to protect you even if you can protect yourself. And yet he tries not to hurt you, even tho you are pretty much numb to the mental pain. But he will be there for you even if you didn’t even ask for it.

Wanderer / Scaramouche

He is not phased for a second but he know that you had more pain that is equal to him. You would find yourself hanging out with him from time to time even if it barely made any progress.

It sure does take most of his time, but he wants to make sure that nothing bad happened to you behind his back. It was like securing his other small yet vulnerable self when he saw you, the wounds takes a very long time to heal but it won’t stop him from taking care of you.

Plus he did bring you to live at his place while Nahida checks up on you to know what exactly happened to you.

Dear Archons have mercy when he learned about your past, he will have murderous thoughts about killing them and Nahida has to beg you to stop from from trying to kill them.

But get used to his bashful face a joking threats cause he will find himself falling for you even if he tries not to, but seeing you smile for just once, something like that makes him feel accomplished that it almost drove him to tears.

Childe / Tartaglia

He would have THE audacity to talk to you right away. But the second he saw your eyes he immediately knew that you are depressed, so he decided to ask you out just for funsies, but he knows that something was never right.

He would take the time to analyze you and talk to you more often, and yet he was able to gather more evidence in secret once he learned about you the second he forced you to sleep in a hotel.

The next day your ex-family and ex-friends was in public shaming which makes you question his stupidity till someone mange to arrest the person for further forced questioning which you are wondering why did he go through all the lengths to do that.

You can bet that he is planning to use you, but Childe knows that you deserve something more than just suffering, so he made sure that his agents keep you protected in secret while he does his work.

But hopefully he would be able to see you smile, after all he made plans for you and him in secret.

Aether

Sadly he was shocked the minute he saw your lifeless eyes, he felt pity and solemn knowing that you went through something that he should not know. But he will check on you from time to time just to see how you are doing. So you can actually say that you two got along well even if its not simple.

He shines too bright that it is hard for you to look at him in the eye.

Knowing Aether’s sadness knowing that he can’t bring himself to cry, you made sure that he cries in your arms while Paimon is not around. You pampered him for comfort but it does make him feel better to the point that he insisted tha the would bring you with him on his journey. And made a promise that he will try everything he can to make you smile, laugh, and feel joy.

And yet he find himself blushing over the words to say not knowing that you smile at him.

Lumine

She would be surprised however…. she knows that you don’t deserve that suffering. You may find Lumine hanging out with you knowing that you deserve more comfort, but it won’t stop her from finding out who did this to you.

But once she do, she made sure that you are having the best part of your life while she finds those people and beats them up secretly even if you had a feeling she would do that, you had to bring her away from tainting her reputation by force.

You seem to be a lost kitten that got adopted by Lumine who seems to be over protective the longer you two hang out more, but when you smile even once when she was making jokes about hilichurls. Lumine almost fainted out of pure shock but it was replaces by herself squeezing you to her.

Her ears are really red knowing that you look too precious and adorable to be hurt.

Ei / Raiden Shogun

The minute she saw you, she was speechless. She saws another part of herself into you, and yet she went out of her way to chose you of all places before asking the detectives what exactly happens to you of all places. She wants you to get rid of that solemn face of yours even if those attempts are mostly a failure.

But it won’t stop her from casting judgement to the ones who hurt you, heck even kill them publicly or shaming them in public. Many people do fear her menacing aura but but find many ways to cheer you up, even Yae Miko teases her for trying to make you smile even if that alone is impossible.

Cut to Yae Miko making novels of a Goddess trying to make a lifeless person happy fan novel for the Yae Publishing House.

That aside Ei was trying to understand how emotions work and knowing that it is okay to be vulnerable for a while. It makes he want to hug you knowing that she did cause him? and the other people of Inazuma to suffer greatly, she hopes to redeem herself over this by making you smile even if it seems impossible.

[kaeddehara]

saying “you’re mine” <3

[ albedo + xiao + childe + diluc ]

[ nsfw, mdni, part two w/heizou + cyno maybe ?? ]

desperate bedo :((, he’s just stressed and needs you to make him feel better <33

albedo was in such a rut. being so backed up with work from the knights and his own research. he’d tire himself out day and night in his lab. forgetting to take care of himself and look a complete mess. hair a mess eyes underlined with dark circles that looked almost painful to have. once he finally found himself at his shared home with you, his mind was set on one time entirely. seeing you of course! coming inside and seeing you relaxed by yourself made for a perfect moment.

“a-albedo slow down—“

you begged him to give any sort of explanation as he continued going at your neck and groping your body.

“working so hard haven’t you?”

albedo continued sucking dark markings into your next as he began to push you down to get on top of you. finally seeing his sleep deprived eyes and messy hair (honestly a turn on), you knew what albedo wanted and complied. pushing his lips against yours as a means to keep you both occupied while he fumbled with his belt. giving you little to no time to take a breather and leaving you messy as well.

“you’re mine…”

slipped from his lips sandwiched between a kiss. being in the midst of everything, it turned you on even more and you pulled him closer to your face just wanting to taste him more.

full nelson xiao?? not sure what came over me but yes let’s go for it, possessive xiao as usual, pussy drunk xiao <33

he was not in the mood for anything else other than you. seeing you at his will practically took over his mind and he couldn’t help but take the chance to pounce at you.

firstly it started slowly; just you sitting on his lap and embracing each other gently while to sun set. after a while, xiao couldn’t hold himself back. your warmth, it was intoxicating. messily making out as he slid his hands underneath your shirt and felt your sweet body up. soon enough, you felt your back on his chest and his hot breath heaving over your neck. legs being spread carefully as he pushed your clothes to the side and got to work.

“that’s it, that’s it! you’re mine…”

xiao growled against your neck and his hips continued to snap up to yours at a mind numbing pace. your poor mind turned to mush by the incomprehensible speed xiao was going at. only his words and the feeling of his hands on your waist holding you up were what kept you from losing it all.

imagine him all sweaty and bloody then fucking you on the floor, kinda gross kinda hot yk, teasing childe ofc

childe and you would frequently spar each other. nothing too dangerous as neither of you ever released full power on each other, but still, it was a good way to build up stamina and keep fit. typically, you both would go rounds and relax after along each other. however, seeing you so into the pure rush the feeling of battle gave you, it drove lust to overtake his weakened mind.

“you know i can’t hold back when you look at me like that”

your soft whines and cries drove him crazy. that, and how pretty you looked drooling over him as he held your legs up

“you’re mine”

he laughs against your face, watching for your reaction. you can’t seem to do anything but pant out and beg for more. childe almost frowns at this before realizing what he can do now that he has you dumb and at his will.

“come on say it!”

he pushes into you a little more till he’s basically bottomed out making you choke at the sudden feeling. the feeling of his toned hips pounding into your soft flesh, turning it a bright pink.

“i-i’m yours!”

childe chuckles at what a pathetic mess you’d become. such a strong fighter as yourself succumbed to a complete mess on the floor.

“you are mine..”

he smiles into your skin as he continues to make you his <3

possessive and jealous diluc, imagine this with slight bondage???, reader just wants to rile him up <3

diluc got off of a long shift at angel share when a couple of drunk patrons asked to take you home to which to repeatedly said no and continued away to diluc who was upset at them and brought you over to teach you a lesson

it was a usual evening for diluc in the tavern. watching everyone enjoy their company and drinks with each other as more drunk patrons asked for another round. while it was never something diluc would say he enjoyed to see out loud, he did appreciate it. along with the sight of you present, it made the evening all the more enjoyable.

although when he started to see a few of those patrons get a little too close and a little too talkative with you, he knew he had to take this into his hands in his after hours.

watching as they stumbled out and the tavern emptied itself as he waited for you sitting all alone, a little intoxicated yourself. giving him a soft smile, he looked at you with a serious gaze. getting up, already weak in the knees, diluc pushed you against the table.

“i don’t appreciate you showing up and putting on a show like that”

he whispered in your ear leant down over your shoulder. quickly after that, this lead to you being bent over a tavern table and getting fucked like a good slut face down ass up. dilucs hips pounding into the soft flesh of your ass as he bent over you, letting his hips do all the work.

“you’re all mine…hah..”

he panted out, reaching his high so soon the feeling in his stomach building up so quickly. your sinful sounds ringing off the tavern walls reminded him how much he loved having you in his life. even though you wanted to be a brat, he still found a way to make you his <3

[hornyclownthing]

How about you get on your hands and knees and present for me, pretty thing? I can touch the insides of your thighs lighter than a breath and watch your hole clench around nothing as your breath hitches. Feel me scratch down the length of your back and press back up into my nails. I'll watch you jump as I spank you. You can whimper and twitch while you wait for another. There will be one, I promise, but I'll wait for you to relax and let your guard down. I'll tease you, put hickys on your skin and scratch you till your back looks like a bouquet of roses.

Now you're dripping, slick running down your thighs. You're still not ready, but your mess tells me you're closer now. I'll slide my fingers between your lips, brush across your entrance and tease your aching clit. I'll praise you when you moan, you sound so pretty for me, do it again. Do it louder.

When you start shaking, then I'll press my fingers into you. I'll brush against your gspot teasingly, before spreading my fingers. I make sure the stretch is just this side of painful, listening for our safe words the whole time. When I don't hear them, I add more. Guess how many fingers I have in your pretty hole, go on. Three on each hand now, and I'm pulling you open, I can see inside.

You're ready, now. You whimper needily as I take my fingers out. Your hole is warm and soft nice and loose, dripping wet. Perfect for a clutch of eggs.

Don't worry, it will only hurt a little bit.

Look down, between your legs, look at what I've prepared you for. Watch as my ovipositor slips inside you. Its long, long enough for the tapered tip to press up against your cervix as I hilt, and thicker than a cock. I'll press your face into the floor as I fuck you looser still, filling the room with the sound of your desperate moans, wet squelches, and the slapping sound of me hilting fully with each thrust.

When you finally cum, pulsing around me, that is when I finally still, fully inside, and fill you with a thicker fluid than your own slick. You need better than what you've got to take what I'm about to give you. It numbs your pain and fills your mind with a soft haze, so you cannot panic when you feel the base of my ovipositor swell against your already fucked out pussy. I reach around and rub your ignored clit, in long, slow strokes, hoping to distract you. You yelp when the egg pops past your lips, and I hush you, stroking your hair. Feel the mass of it pushing deeper, cum again and ignore where it's going for now. There's a good little thing. Here comes the hardest part.

My spend has numbed and relaxed your cervix, but you still have a fit of gasping and moaning as the egg starts to push past it. You're so close, love, this is the worst of it, the rest won't feel nearly so bad. I speed up the hand stroking your clit, and your third orgasm distracts you as you rock back and the egg finally pops into your womb. See? That wasn't so bad, you can take this. You can hold my clutch nice and safe for me, can't you?

Another egg pushes into you, but it doesn't hurt now, does it? It feels good. You feel good, you feel wonderful stretching around me, taking my eggs like the perfect little brood-mother you are. I'm petting your hair and tummy, feeling the bump begin to form at your belly as number three makes it in.

I'm sorry, pretty thing, I've been neglectful. Here, let me grope your tits and pinch your nipples. Such pretty noises you can make while I stuff you and play with you and make you mine. Do you want my fingers in your mouth? To be choked out? Your ass fingered? All you need to do is ask, love, let me take care of you. Let me make you lose track of time and eggs, you don't need to be thinking about that...

Look at you, big and round with my brood, you look so pretty. Would you like anything? Food? Drink? More eggs?

[hog-farmer]

Chimera Laios

“Falin, look out!” Laios shouts as he lunges himself at his disoriented sister, shoving her out of the way of the red dragon’s maw. 

As she falls to the ground Laios feels the monster’s fangs pierce through his armor and forcefully dig themselves into his abdomen. Before he can even process the pain he’s hoisted high into the air as the dragon lifts its head. Disoriented and stunned, he gazes down at the scarred battlefield. The members of his party lay defeated and scattered among the fire and rubble.

“Run! Get everyone out of here!” Laios yells through the pain down to a horrified Falin. With a worried expression his sister hesitantly raises her staff as it begins to glow. 

The light it emits quickly becomes blinding, forcing Laios to look away. When it finally subsides and he can see again his companions have completely disappeared. The relief for their safety is short lived when the dragon’s rumbling reminds him of his current situation.

In the blink of an eye the dragon tosses Laios a short distance into the air and snaps its maw around his entire body. He lands against its tongue which quickly forces him back towards the monster’s throat. Laios tries to struggle and fight as best he can in his wounded state, but it's no use. The flesh around him is too smooth and damp to get any sort of grip and even if he could he’s too weak and sluggish to do anything useful. 

Plunged into darkness, the slick muscles constrict tightly around Laios as they work to drag him down. His breathing becomes shallower from the pressure and exhaustion, as well as the unforgiving heat of the dragon’s insides. Though he can’t see anything Laios feels his vision slowly fading, a different kind of darkness overtaking him as he lands in the dragon’s stomach and passes out.

Deep in his mind Laios can still feel the pain that radiates through his body. It's sharp and stings especially around his lungs and abdomen. Though it gradually begins to fade away, growing evermore numb till he cant feel anything anymore. He feels calm and lighter, like he could just drift away into the sky and never come back down. However, that drifting stops, like a weight has been placed on him to keep him in place. For a while Laios stays like this, suspended in a sea of emptiness. Weightless, but weighed down all at once. The only thing he can do is let his mind wonder, but even then there's not much he can think of at the moment. 

He’s not sure how long it's been but eventually he begins to hear something. It starts faint but quickly grows louder, sounding like hushed whispers of a tongue he can't understand. Eventually, through the echo of voices Laios feels something begin to forcefully drag him down. The immense pain he once felt flares up once more, but it quickly fades again, leaving a dull ache across his body. 

Through the darkness he feels light slowly return, encouraging him to open his eyes to the view of his sister. Her worried face looms above him with patches of dried blood smeared across it. Laios tries taking a breath to speak, but the air quickly catches on something in his throat, sending him into a coughing fit.

“Big brother!” He hears Falin cry above him. Her hands are instantly on his blood-soaked body, rolling him onto his side and gently rubbing his back. “That’s it, just cough it out,” she soothes as he hacks up the blood blocking his airway. When the last of it is gone and his breathing finally evens out he looks up through teary eyes at his sister.

“Fa…lin,” Laios hoarsely croaks before she tightly wraps her arms around him in a hug.

“I’m glad you’re safe,” she quietly sighs as her weight sinks into him. With slightly stiff limbs Laios reciprocates the gesture, holding her as best he can. After a moment Laios feels a chill run through him, making him notice his bare body and the cold cobblestone underneath him. “Oh! Sorry, let me go get you a blanket,” Falin rambles when she feels her brother shiver. 

She quickly retrieves one from her pack and before wrapping it around Laios she uses it to wipe away a majority of the blood from his face. While she fusses over him the other members of their party make their way over to join them. “Marcille, Chilchuck,” Laios weakly greets as he recognizes the half-elf and half-foot respectively.

“Hey Laios, how’re you feeling?” Marcille asks, though she herself looks pretty exhausted.

“He’s still a bit disoriented, but otherwise he seems alright,” Falin answers for him with a soft nod from her brother.

“Good to hear,” Chilchuck responds before looking back to introduce the newcomer among them. “This guy here’s Senshi, he’s been a big help on our journey.”

“Good to meet ya, Laios. I’ve heard a lot about you,” Senshi, the dwarf, kindly greets.

“Senshi,” Laios softly tries the name as he takes in the dwarf’s appearance. Like most dwarves he has a strong stocky build. A horned helm obscures most of his face, only revealing his eyes and nose. A long ruffled beard spills out from below it and covers a majority of his torso. As Laios stares his stomach lets out a gurgle that disrupts the quiet atmosphere.

“Sounds like a good time to start prepping a meal,” Falin comments with a light chuckle. With that she helps Laios stand on his slightly shaky legs till he’s steady.

“Let’s find a spot to wash up first,” Senshi suggests as he comes up behind the tall-man to help support him. “Then we can settle down nearby and get cooking.”

The rest of the group nod in agreement and gather their supplies to head out. Luckily they don’t have to search for long as they come across a hot bath area along a random corridor. It consists of only one room, so the party decided to take turns with the women going first. After some time they reemerge looking refreshed and pass the room off to the guys.

The interior has several fixtures along its walls that spout streams of hot water. A large tub sits at the center of everything with water gently flowing over its edges. The excess water congregates at various drains scattered around the floor. Small gaps along the top of the walls act as vents to mitigate the amount of steam held in the room.

When Laios enters he immediately heads for the bath in the center, discarding the blanket around his shoulders as he does so. As he sinks up to his shoulders the dried blood that was coating his body begins to dissolve. It darkens the liquid around him till the cycling water slowly turns it clear again. With the remaining blood on his head Laios takes breath and slips under the water’s surface. 

While he scrubs his face and hair Laios subtly feels the water be disturbed elsewhere. Carefully opening his eyes underwater reveals a burly leg has entered the tub a few feet away from him with another one following soon after. Laios watches as the muscular pair bend and submerge themselves further, bringing with them more of the man they’re attached to. Sturdy thighs lead up into round, firm glutes and a bulky torso. Dark wispy hairs are scattered across the lightly tanned flesh, mostly condensing around the man’s sizable member. 

Transfixed, Laios lets his mouth drift open, accidentally releasing the breath he’d been holding. Mindlessly, he tries breathing in again but the water around him immediately catches in his throat. The tall-man quickly resurfaces, sputtering and coughing to clear his airway.

“You doing alright there Laios?” Senshi asks as he finishes settling into the tub. 

“Yeah, sorry. I’m fine,” Laios hurriedly responds when he finally catches his breath. He bashfully tries to keep his eyes directed away from the dwarf but they futilely drift back towards him. 

His dense beard still obscures most of his upper torso, but a sliver of his firm chest and stomach can be seen from the side. Buff arms lay across the edge of the tub, matching his legs with a dusting of black hair across them. The thing that captivates Laios the most though is his face. Unobstructed by his helm, his features look sharper even while relaxed. Handsome and manly.

“Don’t take too long guys, we still gotta find a place for tonight,” Laios hears Chilchuck call out. Breaking his eyes away from Senshi reveals the half-foot is already done bathing. His hair’s still slightly damp as he finishes dressing and gathers his supplies.

As Chilchuck exits the room Laios turns around and sinks back down into the water with his nose just above its surface. His wandering eyes find their way back to Senshi, fixating on the dwarf once more. As he stares, a thought starts forming inside his head. Laios screws his eyes shut, embarrassed but wrestling with the idea of following through with it. Eventually he settles on a decision as he slips the rest of his head below the water’s surface.

Now underwater Laios is again presented with the bare, lower half of Senshi. He slowly drifts himself closer to the dwarf, careful to not disturb the water around him too much. After taking in the up-close view of the burly figure Laios tentatively rests his hand on one of Senshi’s calves. He feels the muscle tense under his touch but the other man doesn’t move or knock Laios away. Soon, the leg in his grasp relaxes, wordlessly encouraging Laios to venture further. 

His hand slowly glides upwards, passing over Senshi’s knee and settling on his inner thigh. Laios begins to gently knead the soft flesh before bringing his other hand up to mirror the action on the other thigh. While his hands are busy Laios watches as the dwarf’s member starts reacting to his touch. It flicks and twitches as it grows beyond the patch of hair around it to its full length. 

Without hesitation, Laios drifts his head closer to the now engorged appendage and gently wraps his lips around the head. He feels Senshi give a quick shudder underneath him, so Laios decides to go further. Taking more of the girthy cock into his mouth as his tongue rolls itself along its underside. He reaches down to its base, burying his nose into the hair surrounding it. 

After a few moments though, Laios begins to feel the stress on his lungs from staying underwater. He quickly releases the full member and pushes himself upwards to break the water. However, he resurfaces into a dense bramble of dark damp hair. Between that and the hot water his breaths feel strained and heavy.

Just before Laios can dive back under he feels the hair around him begin to lift. As it does so the air becomes easier to breathe and Laios can finally see without the dark strands obstructing his view. Though the first thing he manages to see is Senshi’s throbbing length as the dwarf perches himself on the edge of the tub. With a soft gaze, Senshi gently brings a hand to the back of Laios’ head and silently guides him back toward his member. 

With that little bit of encouragement Laios eagerly plunges back down, completely engulfing the dwarf’s cock once more. With his mouth now occupied and the hardy musk around him Laios feels his body completely go lax. He rests his head against Senshi’s thigh and lazily suckles on the engorged cock.

Senshi softly combs his hand through Laios’ hair, drawing out content hums from the relaxed tall-man. Their vibrations feel amazing on his member, causing it to pulse and twitch in excitement. 

Eventually, the sensations start to become overwhelming to Senshi as he feels his climax steadily approaching. As gently as he can Senshi starts to shallowly thrust his hips. Laios rolls his eyes back and lets out a deep muffled moan in response when he feels the dwarf begin to pleasure himself with his mouth.

This finally pushes Senshi over the edge, causing him to roughly force Laios all the way down his cock. Laios feels the head of Senshi’s member hit the back of his throat as pulse after pulse of seed is forced down it. As his climax subsides, Senshi gradually releases Laios’ head from his grasp. With slightly watery eyes the tall-man slowly pulls away from the member with a couple strands of saliva still connecting him to it.

With a soft, breathless ‘thank you’ from Senshi the pair silently return to cleaning themselves up. Afterwards, Senshi puts back on his clothes and armor and Laios dresses in an extra pair of his sleepwear that Falin luckily had on hand. Once they’re done they rejoin their waiting party members and head out in search of a safe place to rest. They investigated several buildings before choosing a house that had very few points of entry.

From there the gang started their usual routine for preparing a meal and settling in for the night. Since Laios wasn’t sure how or where to help he mostly followed along with what his sister was doing. All the while though, Laios would find his gaze wandering over to whatever Senshi was doing. Watching as the dwarf prepared a meal using meat from the dragon and whatever else they had on hand. 

Eventually, they all settled down around a table with various dishes spread across it. A pizza bread topped with onions, a seasoned roast of red dragon meat, and a soup made using the dragon’s tail. It all looked so delicious that Laios didn’t know where to start. Though it seems he doesn’t have to decide when Senshi hands him a plate with a slice of pizza topped with a few pieces of dragon meat. Realizing his gnawing hunger, Laios hastily takes a large bite out of the slice.

“This is delicious!” Laios excitedly declares once he finishes swallowing his bite.

“Glad ya like it,” Senshi replies with a light chuckle. “Take your revenge on that dragon,” he adds as he sets a bowl full of the soup beside Laios’ plate. 

Everyone else begins to dig into their meals as well, with their chewing occasionally interrupted by light conversation. Most of what they talk about is catching Laios up on what he’s missed, mainly the monsters they’ve encountered on their way down to this level of the dungeon.

“So you guys have been eating monsters like this the entire time!? Which ones did you like? What tasted the best? What’s the craziest thing you’ve eaten so far?” Laios enthusiastically rambles.

“Well, I really liked how basilisk tasted, but I think living armor was probably the strangest,” Falin responds after pondering for a second.

“You ate living armor! How’d you do that?” Laios loudly asks, completely astounded.

“Turns out they’re actually comprised of a mollusk colony, they use the armor as their shell,” Marcille joins in with an answer.

“That’s so cool!” Laios comments with amazement in his eyes.

The rest of the meal played out the same, with Laios excessively prodding the others for more information about the monsters they faced. Once all the food was finished up they cleared the table and cleaned their supplies. Afterward, everyone selected a bed upstairs and turned in for the night. As Laios settles down on the plush surface he feels his exhaustion from today’s events finally hit him. Closing his eyes allows a peaceful sleep to finally overtake him.

—-

A couple hours later, Laios suddenly awakens with a silent startle. He sits up in his bed and tries to look around for what would’ve woken him up, but his gaze fixates on the only window of the room. Without his input Laios feels his body get up and slowly meander its way towards it. When he reaches its ledge he mentally tries to pull back but his body continues forward. 

In an instant Laios finds himself landing on the cobbled street below, though surprisingly with no pain from the fall. Again, his body continues moving on its own accord. It feels like aimless wandering, but his body seems to know where it’s going when he stumbles upon the corpse of the red dragon.

“Oh, there you are,” calls a chilling voice that cuts through the dead silence of the night. Turning towards its source reveals an elf standing before the dragon’s head. His tanned skin greatly contrasts his very pale and neatly braided hair.

“Why do you look like that?” The elf continues with a monotone question. “I thought I gave you a mission to search for his majesty. I do not recall allowing you to rest,” he adds as he turns his piercing gaze on Laios.

From beneath his short cloak the elf produces a very ornate and gilded book. It floats in front of him and opens on its own, rapidly flipping through seemingly endless pages. As he reads an incantation his voice echoes throughout, seemingly coming from everywhere around them.

Behind the elf the dragon’s body begins to melt. Its flesh oozes and falls off its skeleton in chunks, condensing in a large puddle of blood below it. 

As Laios watches he feels a sharp pain start to radiate through his head. In response, his hands come up to clutch it as his legs start stiffly moving on their own again. They take him towards the dragon’s melting remains, stepping his bare feet into its pooling blood. Once he stops in the center of its ribs Laios collapses to his knees. He stays there for what feels like forever, curled in on himself as he writhes through the head splitting pain.

“Laios!” the tall-man hears his sister shout from a distance. When he tries to look up she’s suddenly kneeling beside him with a very concerned expression. She begins to ask him what’s wrong, but she’s interrupted by the elven mage from earlier. He stares down at her with a cold expression, calling her a thief and an intruder. 

Just as he’s about to reach out and grab Falin an explosion fires off overhead, splattering one of the dragon's ribs. Marcille and the others stand behind them, the half-elf has her staff raised ready to fire off another spell.

“C’mon, let’s go,” Falin tries encouraging her brother while the mage is distracted with the rest of their party. With all the commotion going on and the paralyzing pain Laios involuntarily lashes out in response.

“Get away!” Laios blindly yells as he shoves his sister away. The force behind it was unnaturally greater than normal, knocking Falin unconscious and sending her across the street towards their companions.

After that the mage brandishes his spellbook again. Like before its countless pages fly from one end to the other as his voice echoes off every stone and down every alley. The blood pooling around him bubbles and boils in several spots before small wyvern-like creatures begin to form and rise from it.

“Devour them!” The mage angrily shouts as the tiny wyverns take to the air and swarm above the party. They rapidly descend and attack with their razor sharp fangs and claws, landing a few shallow slashes on each of the adventurers.

The team’s still conscious magic-user manages to handle them though, dispelling each one by overwriting the spell that created them. When the last of the draconic monsters are defeated the mage moves on to his next  idea. Focusing on the ground around the party he forces a small chasm to open up directly under them, sending them into the dark depths below. With the intruders handled the mage directs his focus back onto a still struggling Laios.

“Hey dragon,” the elf’s call makes Laios freeze as he slowly turns his attention towards him. “That must be inconvenient, let me change your form for you,” he continued with a slow wave of his hand.

The blood surrounding Laios begins to boil, like it did moments ago with the wyverns. The viscous liquid unnaturally begins creeping up his body, completely covering his legs and trailing further up his torso. A numbness overtakes his legs as the blood beneath him begins to form a growing mound around them. Laios feels the mass begin to prop him as more and more of the coagulating liquid amasses underneath him.

“Now, do as you’ve been ordered to,” the elven mage coldly commands.

“Yes…” Laios breathlessly agrees as he feels the blood creep up towards his face. 

With that, the mage curtly turns around and begins to walk away. The streets and buildings warp and shift out of his way to give him a direct path, but quickly return to how they were once he’s far enough away. Now alone, Laios feels the pain that's raging through his body begin to settle in. He slumps forward and lands face first on the bloodied stone below. As his mind begins to fade out Laios feels the blood that’s crawling across his face begin to cloud over his eyes. His vision is slowly tinted with red till black overtakes everything and he falls unconscious. 

—

After a while Laios’ groggy eyes blink open as he’s stirred awake. His neck is stiff and his head feels heavy as he tries to look out at his surroundings. He’s still in the middle of the street where he passed out, though a few of the buildings seem to have shifted around him.

Propping himself up on his arms Laios tries pushing himself back up into a kneeling position. His balance is immediately offset though when he’s thrown up higher than anticipated. Overcorrecting almost sends his face crashing down into the cobblestone again, but he manages to extend his arms in time to catch himself. After a pause Laios tries to bring himself upright again, though slower this time to acclimate to the unnatural height. 

Looking downward reveals the reason for his thrown off balance. Where his normal legs once were are now a folded pair of those of a giant canine, far larger than a dire-wolf. They’re coated in light gray fur that comes up to Laios’ waist and tapers off into his torso. 

As his eyes trail up his body he notices more fur centered on his chest and lightly scattered down his arms. The nails on his fingers have become black talons, long and sharp. Laios turns his head to see the fur continue down his back and trial into the lower torso of a dragon. It’s slightly smaller, though proportional, to that of a red dragon, along with its scarlet colored scales matching perfectly. 

Laios tries to move the new, unsteady limbs of his altered form, attempting to stand with them. It’s a little uncoordinated at first, but eventually he manages to get himself upright. When Laios slowly starts to hobble down the street he tries to recall what happened earlier. Every memory in his head feels incredibly fuzzy, but one thing immediately snaps to the forefront of his mind.

“I must find Lord Delgal,” Laios absentmindedly drones as he proceeds to lumber his enormous, amalgamated body down the alleyway.

From there Laios wandered throughout the desolate fifth floor of the dungeon. He’d roam up and down the labyrinth of countless streets, peering down every alley and into the buildings set up along them. In one of them Laios managed to catch a reflection of his face. Two sets of short horns, like those of the red dragon, now protrude from his head. His canine teeth are much sharper, with a second set behind each of them and the pupils of his eyes are now slitted. 

Time absently passed in a blur, with every new corner he’d turn down looking as indecipherable as the last. Despite the creeping feeling of exhaustion dragging on him, the words of his mission tirelessly run through Laios’ head.

‘Find… Lord… Delgal…’

‘Find… Lord… Delgal…’

‘Find… Lord… Delgal…’

‘Find…’ *Guuuurrrrgle* ‘…Food…’

That new thought causes Laios’ mind to pause. His mission still pounds incessantly in his head, but it’s steadily being overshadowed by this new thought. The two ideas fight for dominance in his head, sporadically flipping back and forth what he’s looking for. Eventually one of them comes out on top as the other is finally pushed out of his mind.

“Must… find… Food,” Laios deeply groans as the roaring hunger in his stomach takes control of him.

With renewed effort Laios wanders and searches the town much more vigorously. Hastily looking high and low, in every nook and cranny that’d show any sign of something to eat. Eventually, a scent catches his nose’s attention. It’s faint, but Laios can vaguely tell it’s some kind of meat being cooked nearby. He desperately follows its trail, navigating his way through the town as best as he can. 

When his search brings him up to the rooftops Laios notices something in the distance. It’s hard to see through the darkness of the town, but there’s smoke rising from between a set of buildings. Now with a target Laios recklessly jumps from one building to the next. With every leap he takes his claws tear through chunks of roof tiles and any of the surrounding stone.

As Laios approaches he starts to hear noises, a mixture of shouts and screech-like cackling. When a small courtyard-like clearing comes into view Laios can now place where the noises are coming from. A flock of harpies are attacking and terrorizing a large group of adventurers. 

Starvation drives Laios’ instinct to target whatever being is closest and leap towards them. He manages to crash down on two unsuspecting harpies, crushing one of them under the weight of his front leg while he grapples another in his arms. It struggles and wails in his grasp, but Laios swiftly silences it by tearing out its throat with his teeth. Blood runs down his chin as the harpie’s body 

shallowly spasms and twitches till its limbs eventually fall limp and its eyes gloss over. Laios takes several more bites, chewing and swallowing chunks of flesh. Its flavor is unappealing but his gnawing hunger doesn’t care.

“Laios!”

A shout draws his attention from his meal on hand. Turning towards its source reveals a distraught and vaguely familiar woman calling out his name. The people directly next to her look familiar as well, though his mind can’t completely recognize who any of them are. With a quick whiff of the air the scent he’d been following earlier immediately hits him. Of that small group Laios pinpoints its source to the tray that the short shaggy-looking one is holding. There’s not much to it, just a piece of fish, a couple of rice balls and some sauces, but the scent of it is all his mind can focus on.

“Food…” Laios moans under his breath. He absentmindedly makes his way towards the alluring food, tossing the limp harpies aside as he jumps from the rooftop to the ground below. 

Before Laios can take a step forward several other adventures advance towards him with their weapons drawn. They stab and swing at him with swords and axes, leaving shallow slashes scattered across his lower body. Every hit enrages Laios, causing him to lash out with brutal force. Swinging his heavy tail around sends a couple of them flying and anyone else attacking him has their neck snapped in his grasp or head crushed under one of his feet.

A sudden onslaught of electricity causes Laios to stagger. All over his skin tingles and his muscles tighten and twitch, but he forces his body to power through it and face the magic-user that casted that spell. With his anger and frustration boiling over Laios feels a burning heat rising up within him. Following that feeling Laios takes in a big inhale before spewing a pillar of flames from his mouth. He pivots his head and spreads the flames across the courtyard, scorching everything.

After a moment, Laios’ fire starts to die down as exhaust begins to set in. Residual flames lay scattered across the ground, along with the bodies of various adventurers. The small group Laios recognized and a couple other people survived though, having shielded themselves with magic. 

With how tired and sore he felt Laios was desperate to flee from the situation, but not without that plate of food. In a last ditch effort Laios recklessly charged at the small group. As he stomps up to and over them he grabs the plate as he passes. Now with the food secured in hand Laios leaps back up to the roof. He stumbles for a moment to find his footing on the rickety tiles, but eventually he manages to steady himself and run away across the rooftops. 

Laios practically reaches the other side of the dungeon floor before he deems it a safe distance to relax and let his body rest. His lower torso slumps to the ground with a heavy thud as his legs fold into a resting position. As his breathing finally catches up with him Laios directs his attention to the plate of food he’d managed to snag. Miraculously, none of its contents were lost in his manic escape, but there’s something new he wasn’t expecting. 

Curled around the edges of the plate are a pair of stocky hands. Confused by this addition, Laios slowly raises the plate higher to reveal that the dwarf from earlier was still holding the plate. They share a surprised wide-eye look with each other, at least until Laios feels a possessive growl start to rise up in his throat. This snaps the dwarf out of his shock, causing him to finally release the plate and drop down to the ground. Before the dwarf can collect himself and run away Laios gently pins him under one of his front legs, mostly using its weight and size to keep him in place. 

Having handled that for the moment Laios redirects his focus back to the food in hand. Without hesitation he ravenously shovels every piece on the plate into his mouth. It tastes wonderful, but the satisfaction is short lived when Laios realizes how little food that was. Frustrated, he angrily tosses the plate aside as his hunger cries out again with a loud rumble.

“Are ya hungry? Is that what this is all about?” Senshi questions out loud, reminding Laios of his presence. The chimera-man leans his upper torso downward to investigate the dwarf closer. He vaguely smells the previous meal on the man, as well as several other scents that pique his interest.

“More food?” Laios curiously asks as his hands scramble over the dwarf, searching for where the smells are coming from.

“I’ve got some food in my pack, just let me up and I’ll whip up a meal for ya,” Senshi offers. 

The prospect of more delicious food immediately has Laios’ interest. He eagerly picks the dwarf up from under his foot and sets him down to let him work. Senshi proceeds to unpack his supplies, setting out the utensils he’ll need. Most of the ingredients he has on hand are leftovers from the dryads and the cockatrice, plus a few harpy eggs he managed to find earlier. After a second to think it over, Senshi decides to cook up the eggs and remaining meat and toss whatever vegetables he has left into a stew.

While Senshi busies himself with meal prep, Laios fidgets impatiently as he waits for his food to be ready. He hovers and trails behind the dwarf as he watches over everything he does. Eventually, the alluring scents of the cooking food start to put Laios at ease, encouraging the chimera-man to sit and wait.

“And it’s ready,” Senshi declares as he sets down a platter of roasted cockatrice meat next to his pan that’s filled with a vegetable stew. 

Laios almost stumbles over himself as he excitedly approaches the delectable food that’s been laid out. He scarfs down piece after piece of the seasoned meat, savoring each one’s taste before moving onto the next one. When that’s all gone Laios moves onto the stew. Lifting the entire pan towards his face and gulping down the whole thing in a matter of minutes.

With a satisfied sigh Laios lets the now empty pan clatter to the floor. His roaring hunger finally feels placated, though Laios doesn’t feel anywhere near full.

“How was that Laios? Feel better?” Senshi asks as he pats the upper portion of his front left leg.

“Hmm… good,” Laios replies with a content hum.

*Guuuurrrrgle*

“Still hungry…” he mutters when his stomach lets out a low resonating rumble.

“Well, that was most of the rations I had on hand. I had a hunch it wouldn’t be enough given your size,” Senshi comments as he cleans and packs up his supplies. “Let’s head out and gather some more to satiate that hunger of yours,” he concludes as he slings his pack over his shoulders.

Laios eagerly nods in agreement before bending his upper torso downward to grab Senshi under his arms and pick him up. He lifts the dwarf over onto his back, just in front of where his wings sprout from. When Senshi has himself securely seated Laios sets off to search the dungeon for something to eat. 

The pair wander the eerie streets for a little while till they stumble across the entrance to the next floor of the dungeon. Venturing downward leads them to a network of underground waterways and tunnels. Laios aimlessly strolls through them till his senses alert him to something nearby. 

Following the trail leads them to a very lush cavern with barometz plants scattered throughout. As Laios curiously approaches one he freezes as he notices a pack of several dire-wolves begin to lurk into view. A fight quickly ensues as the pack and Laios try to take each other down. The wolves aim their attacks at Laios’ legs and back, but his tough scales and thick skin prevent anything more than a few shallow bites and scratches. His attacks prove far better, the strength behind every swing of his tail and talons is enough to break bones and leave fatal gashes.

The battered wolves eventually retreat, leaving those too harshly wounded and the dead behind. From there Senshi and Laios round up the defeated wolves along with a few ripe barometz fruits and any wild herbs around to get a meal started. Senshi handled most of the preparations, but Laios helped where he could. 

Eventually they have several full roasts made up and ready to be eaten, which Laios eagerly dives into. While Senshi dishes and eats a plate for himself, the chimera-man scarfs down and picks clean every single roast. The dwarf feels a bit of pride and satisfaction swell up inside him as he watches someone so thoroughly enjoying his cooking.

When Laios polishes off the last of the roasts he slumps to the ground, exhausted but finally feeling full. The underbelly of his lower torso looks round and distended due to the sheer volume of food he’s packed inside. 

“There, bet that’s better,” Senshi cheerfully comments as he gently rubs the side of Laios’ lower abdomen. The soft touch feels soothing to his strained stomach, encouraging the chimera-man to doze off and peacefully rest after his excessive meal.

—-

From that point onwards the pair would continue traversing the dungeon together. They mainly stuck to the lower floors, since the mana there could best sustain Laios’ monstrous form. 

Their lives became a constant cycle. After resting for a couple of hours Laios would undoubtedly wake up famished, so he and Senshi would search and hunt down their next meal. Laios would handle any fighting required while Senshi scavenged and harvested whatever he could find. The dwarf also managed nearly all of the cooking as well with Laios helping with easier tasks or anything that may have required his greater strength.

When each meal was all set and ready Laios wouldn’t waste a second diving into it. Entire buffets worth of food would disappear in a matter of minutes down his greedy gullet. He’d completely stuff himself with everything in sight, leaving no scraps or crumbs behind. After finishing off his meal Laios would promptly fall asleep, letting his exhausted body digest the exorbitant amount of food he’d just consumed. When he next woke up they’d do it all over again. Hunt, cook, eat, sleep, repeat.

This kind of lifestyle does have its consequences though. While Laios has the size and voracious appetite of a red dragon he does not have its slower digestion and metabolism. Normally a red dragon would sleep for roughly a month between meals, but Laios has been consuming large quantities of food two to three times a day.

The changes to his upper torso were the most prominent in the beginning. His abdomen and arms become rounded and bulkier under a soft layer of fat. Laios’ lower torso and limbs experienced the same effect, though it was harder to tell at first under all that fur, scales, and feathers. 

Every self-indulgent meal would pile more weight onto the man’s monstrous frame. The belly of his lower torso quickly grew to brush against ground, even on an empty stomach. The legs surrounding it had to adopt a wider stance in order to accommodate it while the legs themselves became encumbered with their own thick layer of fat. Surprisingly, Laios’ tail became a place for fat to easily pile onto, growing overly rounded and puffy. Given the sheer weight of it Laios found it easier to let the limb just rest on the ground and be dragged behind him.

Laios’ humanoid portion also grew quite rapidly. A soft boulder-like belly developed to hang heavily from his torso. His fuzzy chest also filled out significantly, topping his prominent belly with two doughy mounds. His arms fattened up disproportionately with much more weight settling in their upper halves, greatly restricting their range of movement.

As Laios grew he had to adapt and change the way he took down other monsters. While he still had great strength he wasn’t able to use that advantage as dexterously as before. He couldn’t put as much force behind any of his strikes, but he could still crush anything he could get close to. Any sense of speed or stealth he may have had before were lost due to his greater weight. All together, his physical capabilities suffered and diminished as his weight rose and the effort to move his limbs progressively became too much for his body to bear.

Reaching the point of immobility would see Laios’ scaled underbelly spilling out from underneath him on all sides. Billowing draconic and canine legs rest flush against it with no hope of being able to lift themselves away from it under their own power. His titanic tail has broadened in size, taking on a more oblong shape as it lays motionless behind him. Bulky rings of adipose rise up into the wide doughy belly and hips of Laios’ human torso. His chest has become more shapeless and flabby, widening into his side rolls that are crushed under his equally large chunky arms. Any glimpse of a neck or jawline is hidden under a puffy ring of fat that's topped with overly chubby cheeks that force Laios’ eyes to slightly squint and his mouth to pucker.

“Hrrmph! C’mon Laios, you can do it,” Senshi encouraged as he tried to lift one of Laios’ enormous rear legs. Though the effort was obviously futile it was mainly an attempt to coax the over-encumbered chimera-man into a standing position. The prodding does motivate Laios into trying, but he doesn’t manage to raise himself more than a couple inches before his gigantic body slams back down to the ground with a resounding thud. 

“*Huff* *Huff* Too… tired,” Laios groans, exhausted at the monumental effort it took to move that little. 

*Guuuurrrrgle*

“Hungry…” Laios whines when he feels his stomach desperately cry out for food. He pitifully tries moving his body again, but only succeeds in frustratingly wobbling his soft malleable flesh.

“Ok, ok,” Senshi soothes as he comes around to Laios’ front to speak. “I’ll see what I can find nearby to try and rustle up something for ya. I’ll be right back,” he suggests as he gathers his equipment for a quick solo escapade.  

Left alone with nothing but his gnawing hunger Laios impatiently waits for his companion to return. After a while the chimera-man feels his eyes begin to grow tired and droop. Deciding to go along with it, Laios lets himself drift asleep in hopes that when he next wakes up there’ll be a delicious meal waiting for him.

—

“My, what a peculiar little morsel.” 

Laios hears a soft voice coax him awake, or rather into awareness as he feels like he’s dreaming. Opening his eyes to an empty white void, Laios is greeted to the sight of a golden-yellow lion with wings. It stands before him with an inquisitive look that feels like it goes right through Laios. The sight of another creature spurs the chimera-man with the thought of devouring it, but even here in his mind Laios feels too lethargic and weighed down to move.

“So hungry…” Laios mutters to himself with weak frustration.

“Ha, quite the gluttonous one, aren’t you?” the winged lion softly comments with a chuckle as he delicately drags one of his claws against the surface of Laios’ protruding underbelly. “Though I guess I can sympathize with that plight,” he adds with a wistful expression.

*Guuuurrrrgle*

“Need…Food…” Laios moans out loud as his hunger continues to plague him even in his dreams.

“How about this,” the lion begins, garnering Laios’ attention. “I find your situation to be very intriguing, so I’ll help you cultivate this desire of yours as best I can,” he offers.

“You’ll bring food?” Laios asks, fixated on the prospect of something to eat.

“Oh yes. Monsters of all shapes and sizes will be drawn to you, passive and ready to be devoured,” the lion pitches, dramatically emphasizing the final word. “So what do you say? Do we have a deal?” he asks with a crazed look in his eyes.

“...yes…”

—

After a couple hours of fruitless searching Senshi decides it best to make his way back to Laios.  As he retraces his path Senshi expects to find the immobile chimera-man laying in wait, but the sight he stumbles upon is more than he could’ve imagined. 

Laios himself has not moved, still anchored in place by his own titanic weight, but it's everything else around him that's a spectacle. Various kinds of monsters lay scattered around him, ranging from simple walking mushrooms to gigantic draconic beasts. Senshi cautiously winds his way through the crowd of monsters, noticing that they all appear to be alive, just in a mindless, trance-like state. 

As the dwarf approaches Laios he sees that the vines of a flowering plant have trailed themselves across the obese chimera-man’s body. Senshi briefly tests their strength before he starts using them as leverage to climb up Laios’ immense figure. As he makes his way upwards Senshi notices the flowers excessively leak an alluringly-sweet nectar from their centers. Eventually he makes it over the crest of Laios’ mountainous belly, allowing him to come face to face with the gluttonous chimera. Laios himself almost doesn’t notice the dwarf crawling up to his billowing chest, too engrossed in the mind-numbing flavor of the nectar he’s suckling from one of the vine’s flowers.

“Now what did you get up to while I was gone? Senshi inquired, slightly amused at the situation.

“Mmm… hungry,” Laios mutters a non-answer between gulps of sweet nectar.

“Ha, well, let me go whip something up for ya. I’m sure we got enough on hand,” Senshi cheekily comments as he turns to look out at the crowd of passive monsters. With that Senshi backs up and begins his descent to go get a meal started for his ever-famished companion.

---

Honestly really love this anime, the characters are great and it so easily opens itself up for weight gain and feederism. Obviously Laios and Senshi are my favorites, so don't be surprised if I do another story involving those two. I think I'd wanna make it a shorter rapid weight gain though, cause while I enjoyed writing this I will admit it feels a little lopsided with the actually fattening parts happening quick and towards the end.

Anywho, hope you all enjoyed, thank you for reading, and I hope to have another story around soon.

[dulcewrites]

Fire & Desire

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x reader (mentioned) , Aegon ii Targaryen x reader (wc: 2.2k)

Summary: Many sacrifices have been made to get Aegon on the throne. Including ones made by you

A/N: this had been sitting in my drafts for sooo long. I thought I’d revise it a bit, give me a bit of a break from fool me once. Hope y’all like it 🫶🏽🫶🏽. Sorry if there is lots of typos this was sort of posted on a whim

When Aegon becomes King, it is up to us to guild him in the right direction. To have the ear of your husband is ever important…. That may mean giving things up in return.

The words had been ringing in your head all night. Along with the image of Alicent’s uncomfortable grimace. Your instinct was the ask her what she meant by that; play silly and confused. Easily moldable and docile, the way most people like.

But you know your good mother too well for that. She knows all. You should have seen this moment coming.

The next thing you wanted to do was apologize. Tell her that you do not know how you got yourself in this predicament. But Aegon has never been one to apologize for his indiscretions, so why should you. All you can give her a curt nod.

You know she advices you without any malice. The bolstering hate you sometimes saw in Queen Alicent, the kind you see in all her children in different dosages, had cooled to a melancholy resentment over the years. She’s grown older, a bit wiser. Or maybe she is just tired.

The type of debilitating exhaustion that only women would get. Women forced to do the bidding of those around them.

It was never going to be simple. It is never easy with this family. An heir that is never around, a dead King that was never suited from the job, and a circle of scheming noblemen. Recipe for chaos and destruction.

Alicent does not have the hope to be disappointed anymore. Everything is for survival now. So much has been given up for this, and now comes your time to pay the price. Just like Alicent has.

If she knows, you can assume that means Aegon does too. He is more observant than anyone would give him for.

There are days he looks at you, and you think he can tell what you have been up to. He can look right through you and see what his brother did to you that morning, or late the night before.

Does he wonder where you run off to, the way you did with him at the beginning of your marriage. When there was a blinding and painful need to make it work. If he does know, you are surprised he has not said anything to do… or to Aemond. Aegon’s emotions flow hot and wild. Being on the opposite end of it is a sight. But then he levels off, normally numbs whatever he feels with wine or whores. He is simple in a complicated way.

If he has any inkling about what you have been doing, he has not made it known. You don’t know if that is a relief or if it hurts. None of that Targaryen madness dealt out for his wife.

Your thoughts are broken when he stalks in. Freshly washed, slight bruises on his face, and wrapped in despair.

He does now acknowledge for presence, just climbs into bed after blowing out the few candles on his side of the room. The two of you lay in silence before you feel like you will crawl out of your skin if you do not say anything.

“I will stop seeing him… in that way,” you say into the darkness, voice stronger than you thought it would be. “If that pleases you.”

You turn from your back to your side to face him; you are greeted with a eyeful of silvery hair that seems to glow in the dark. His back facing you, rigid and uncomfortable.

“Aegon, did yo-“

“I heard you the first time,” he sighs, interrupting you.

There is more silence. You continue to stare at his back, till he slowly turns to face you. Even in the dark you can see the frown on his face. The moonlight illuminating him It is like speaking with his mother all over again. Does Alicent look at Aegon and get frightened? To give birth to someone who looks so much like you but disappoints you so deeply must be haunting. A terrible mirror to have.

“I am surprised you are even admitting it,” he mutters.

You decide not to tell him that the admission comes at the behest of his mother. There is no need to add to the list of things that splitter that relationship.

“We are going to need each other, now more than never. I am willing to admit… wrongdoing and repent for it. But we both have to do that for it to work.”

Your tongue feels heavy calling whatever Aemond, and you have wrongdoing. The proper term for it does not come because you don’t know what you two are. Lovers, confidants, prisoners. It’s all the same.

The frown deep softens a bit.

“Aenar is mine.”

It comes out like statement, but you suppose it is meant to be a question. Aenar is all Aegon is best and worst ways. Sweet cherubic features and a rambunctious spirit. They even pout in the same way when they do not get what they want. They are so alike that it stupidly makes you wonder at what age he will let you down. The way his father has before him.

“He is yours,” you whisper. “A tiny terror.”

Aegon lets out a short fit of playful laughter. The affection Aegon has towards the kids is something you were constantly taken aback by. When he was around, and in his right mind, he is electric with them. It made you a bit jealous. You pushed your body to the max, and Aenar follows him like he is a god. A Targaryen God.

“But Valaena…” he trials off bitterly.

You do not answer immediately. While Aemond barely even looked at you by the time you became pregnant with Aenar, things were different by the time you had your little girl. Your relationship with Aemond sweet and syrupy. The glow of intimacy neither of you had experienced before.

“No, she is yours.”

It is easier to say that, her features still soft and indiscernible. You think she is his. You hope for his sake she is. Aegon becomes extra warm around her. Baby talk and soft looks of love.

Perhaps you hope he is for her sake as well. If Aemond thinks Valaena is his daughter, he makes no effort to show it. At first, you thought it was him being smart. Knowing that taking too much of a liking would be suspicious. Then you quickly learned he just has no interest in that part of you. Sometimes you fear he sees that extension of you, your kids, as obstacles instead.

Living and breathing embodiments of the duty you put first.

“You would really stop,” Aegon rips you from his thoughts. “Tell Aemond that it is done?”

His voice lifts intrigued. A different conversation you had with Alicent floats in your mind.

Their want for different things keeps them from expressing their love, but it is there.

“Will you stop fathering flea bottom bastards?”

Aegon scoffs at your question, but nonetheless shuffles closer to you. He smells like lemon and roses.

“This is going to be so bad,” his voice wobbles a bit.

You want to agree, because it will; it is going to be blood spilling amounts of terrible. Instead of expressing that you lean forward too.

It is how the two of you fall asleep. Foreheads pressed together, noses brushing, and slow breathes mangled together.

Is that what having your husband’s ear is like?

You know you are staring, unabashedly and grotesquely.

The only saving grace being that you are not the only one. Everyone in the dragon pit has their gaze on Aegon. Small folk watch on in confusion or admiration. Everyone on the stage hold more somber or stoic faces. Everyone accept Otto that is, who looks as pleased as you have ever seen him.

Alicent’s face is serenely flat. Helaena cannot look at her brother for too long, looking away at times. You do not dare turn to see Aemond’s reaction. Especially not after avoiding him all morning. There was a sinking feeling you got when your lady in waiting told he was outside of the door. Cowardly, you told her to tell him you were occupied. You did not know what to say to him yet.

Now all you can do if stare, and fiddle with the crisp fabric of your mute pink and gardenia dress.

It is terribly quiet in the pit. It only makes the affair even more uneasy.

There is something so devastatingly beautiful about his tear-stained face. You enjoy Aegon like this. Needy, helpless, and metaphorically flat on his back with shock and despair.

When he finally rises, Conqueror’s crown on his head, his eyes darts to everyone on stage. When his large, watery eyes finally get to you, you try to give him an encouraging smile. You are sure it reads more painful than reassuring or comforting. You bow your head expectedly.

King Aegon, Second of His Name. Gods helps you all.

The tides change once he turns to face the crowd. When the cheers start, there goes your meek Aegon. He lifts Blackfyre with a vigor you have never seen from your husband. There is a satisfaction that radiates off him. It’s stunning and terrifying to watch.

Despite everything, your eyes tear themselves away long enough to briefly glance at Aemond. If Aegon’s feeling burn fast and dissipate to light fizzles of hate, then Aemond’s resentment simmers for years, and flares when the flames are fanned.

His eyes never leave his brother’s back. Everyone enraptured by Aegon’s attitude change for different reasons.

The cheers reach their peak, and foolishly you think maybe things will be alright.

Then everything goes black.

This is going to be so bad

It is only in the comfort of his own chambers, where Aemond feels like he can finally let out the breath he has been holding in for days.

His stomach has been in knots for days, waves nausea fluttering in certain moments. It reminds him of after he first lost his eye. He would get such painful headaches that it made sick. 

Now it is not his lack of an eye ailing him, it is you.

He should have known something was wrong when you would not allow him to see you. The necklace was missing too. The sterling silver locket with a sparkling sapphire in the middle of it. You had not taken it off since he gifted it to you… till today.

Aemond knows what it means.

You could barely meet his eye, as if you think your rejection would break him. He would rather gouge his other eye out than give Aegon the satisfaction of that.

The only time you seemed aware of his presence is when you squeezed his arm when they were all face to face with Meleys. The squeeze was surprisingly strong. Though it was not a scared squeeze, it was almost reassuring. You were ready to die. You had told him one night; whispered it in the dark. You knew it would be coming, and sooner than you wanted.

“Of course, we are going to die young,” you smile with little mirth. “Think of family we are in.” 

You had only expressed sadness for your children. That you hope when that time comes someone kind will take care of them and prayed, they would remember you as a gentle mother.

What a way it would’ve been to die at the fire of dragon. You, him, his siblings, and his mother… one big happy family.

Aemond decides not to tell you that sometimes he goes in Valaena’s room and just looks. He waits for the paternal instincts to kick in. One day he expects to look and see flashes of himself. As of now all he sees is your eyes. He supposes that is the next best thing. He already must see his brother, and mini version of him that hides behind your skirts.

He has no desire to take care a child right now, and he is not even sure she is his. But to be bound to you another way would be so lovely. So many parts of him are now yours, and vice versa. What is one more?

Aemond is not mad. He finds the whole idea of a mad Targaryen a bit macabre, even for his taste.

But he sees visions of Aegon sitting the throne with you at his side as queen and thinks it would be ok to see King’s Landing up in flames. Even better if he is the one to light the fire.

He saw the way your demeanor instantly shifted. Tending to hurt small folk, telling guards where to go and what to do. There was not a lick of fear in your eyes when someone addressed you as the queen. In fact, Aemond was sure he saw a flicker of glee run through your eyes. He cannot fault the self-serving side of you. He wishes to devour it the way he wishes to devour every other part of you.

You would have never agreed to marry Aegon if this outcome was not a possibility. Giving up a chance to have your name in the history books as Queen and your son as future heir is not an opportunity you would give up. Certainly not for him. Aemond knows Rhaenyra is coming. If not his half-sister, then his uncle will be plotting and planning. So, he will do what he always does. Sit and wait. One eye firmly on his clever girl.

When the spark is finally set, he hopes you two will burn together.

[yunoclips]

could you do a sub!johnny and/or sub!yuta hc? I’m so happy I found your blog, your writing is so amazing and i’m happy others discovered your talent too!!💖

Thank you <33 you all are so kind ❤️😭

I'll do sub!yuta for this and make a separate post for Johnny.

Sub!Yuta HC's

Likes it raw , rough and nasty.

Very adventurous with it.

If you ride him , ride him fast. Don't give him a chance to breathe. He wants you to choke him out and ride him until he passes out.

Slap his face and spit in his mouth.

Fuck him with long , hard deep strokes. He wants to be fucked so good that his body is numb. Fuck him so hard that the back of his thighs hurt from the friction.

He wants to cry from pleasure, in his mind pleasure isn't really pleasure if there is no pain.

Fuck him from behind and tug his hair really hard. Just grab a fist full and flush his body against yours.

Whisper filthy things in his ear. "Look at you , crying like a filthy whore over being fucked. I bet you'd let anyone fuck you like this" or "Crying like a girl over dick. Pathetic" He loves that stuff.

Likes to be watched , sometimes he begs you to fuck him so he can be loud. He wants people to hear him falling apart.

Manhandle him. Toss him around the bed , twist his body in uncomfortable positions. It excites him.

Likes to be feminized.

Cum in him. If you're using a strap, use an ejaculating one. He likes when it drips out of his hole and runs down his thighs while you fuck him.

When he's topping you , slap him around and pull his hair if he's not listening. He likes when you remind him of his place. Not going fast enough ? Nothing a tap to the face won't fix.

Likes when you cuff his hands while hitting it from the back. The burn of the cuffs against his skin is just the right amount of pain.

"Look at you rutting into me like a dog, how shameful. Don't even know how to fuck right. Is that brain of yours working ?"

Force him onto his knees and spread your legs wide in front of his face. Masturbate right in front of his face while he leaves his tongue out like a desperate dog. Tell him that if he touches himself he won't be able to cum for the night.

When he's giving you head , close your thighs on his head and keep it like that till he taps on your thigh. When he picks his head up gasping for air with arousal coated all over his face , just laugh at him.

Whip him with a paddle and coo at him while you massage the redness. "Too much , I thought you wanted this?"

When he's too well fucked to speak , he'll start merging his sentences in Korean and Japanese. "Look at you , fucked so stupid that you can't even speak right."

Into wax play. Loves the heat of wax dripping down his abs while his cock rests hard and full on his abdomen.

Loves when you slap his cock while it's hard.

When the two of you make out it's hot and nasty. Teeth on teeth , swapping spit. It's more like you are trying to suck all the breath out of him through his mouth rather than kissing.

Attach a vibrator to the head of his cock and cuff him. Watch as he turns inside out and wrestles with himself all over the bed.

When he masturbates he likes to use those fuck machines. He turns it on to the highest setting and uses it until he passes out from the pleasure.

Likes cock cages.

Likes to be bruised and marked.

Fuck his throat until he loses his voice. Drool dripping from the corners of his mouth. Hair stuck to his face , eyes rolled back.

His safe word is cherry. But sometimes his mouth is stuffed with cock so he can't really speak. He'll just tap your thigh 3 times instead.

The aftercare consists of a lot of sweet words and reassurance. Make sure he knows everything you said wasn't real. You love him so much.

He needs you to carry him around for a while. His lower body is almost always numb after everything and it's really painful when he tries to stand.

Needs a warm bath with bath salts that relieve muscle aches.

Likes to eat light things like sushi and soups.

He needs a minute before you start to touch him again , he needs to make sure he's grounded and sometimes when you touch him he falls back into headspace.

Tell him you love him lots.

[invivoinsomnium]

Shower sec is top notch so...

I've been watching you for a while I've picked you. You are going to carry my babies so one day while you're in the shower I silently break into your apartment I sit in your bathroom for a minute watching you before stripping off and getting in behind you shoving you against the wall.

"oh don't fight baby I don't wanna have to break any of your pretty little limbs" of course you still do but I easily over power you holding your jaw forcing you to lay against my chest looking at me while I fuck your tight pussy "You gonna carry my babies" you scream and cry but I just carry on.

"I know it hurts but it'll be worth it" I smile you were tight and sore whimpering and crying begging me too stop if already stretched you to a slight tear and now I'm brutally pounding you bruising your cervix "Gonna fill you up baby"

I finally cum shoving you against the shower wall pulling out while you fight I just get hard again picking you up taking you to your bed rummaging in my pocket handcuffing you to the bed. I use you for a few more hours before having had enough for now.

I knock you out and dress you carrying you to my car avoiding any cameras and people. When you come to you are in my bed ropes thing your wrists and ankles into a star shape. I was overtop of you mercilessly pounding you're tight overfilled pussy "Gonna fill you till you give me those babies Hun"

You wriggle and scream but it's no use we are in the middle of nowhere. It didn't take long with in 8 weeks of daily torture I had knocked you up you were growing quiet quickly as well. I didn't stop though still fucking you through every night untying you by the third month you couldn't get out of the room anyway.

You had free roam once I'd finally fucked you enough for you to stop fighting. I sit you in my lap one day rubbing your bump "look at you" I hum. "can't wait for you to push these out" if you dared to speak up asking about a hospital I'd just laugh in your face "Hospital why would you need a hospital you're doing it right here"

At around 8 months early in the morning you wake up to your water breaking you shake me awake but I just grab your jaw telling you to shut the fuck up not to make a sound until my alarm goes off five hours from then. I roll over to fall back asleep leaving you in agony.

You cross your legs shifting to relive the pressure as best as you can. When my alarm finally goes off I get up forcing you onto your back spreading your legs "I'll call the Dr shall I?" I laugh seeing the hope in your face before just pulling on a medical glove checking how dilated you are.

I hold your thighs to your chest as you were only 8 I instruct you to get up and walk around ignoring your pain. When you were ready to push I stripped you naked tying you to the bed.

As the contractions occur and you push no progress seems to happen you spend almost an hour in agony as you push with nothing you feel intense burning in your birth canal and you are begging me I put a new glove on checking just to feel feet "Oh looks like baby wanted to be stubborn as well" I push down on your stomach screaming at you to push and stop hurting our babies.

It took two hours for the first baby who tore he lays on your chest screaming and I hold your face shaking your head "Keep pushing Hun" I rub your thighs ome baby feeding the other refusing to come sitting in your birth canal he sits there for four hours of painful agonising contractions he seems to be kicking at your insides as well.

I won't step in as you bare down screaming in agony. When finally with a ripping sound his head pops out I watch as you scream and try pushing the rest of him out he pops out and I put him on your chest.

After your placenta comes out I decide to clean and stitch you up with no numbing or anything. I kiss your head "Good job mama starting tomorrow we'll try for more yeah" I walk out leaving you in agony with screaming crying babies

Anon, that was hot. I loved it. I really have nothing more to say because that had everything. I'll admit, when you mentioned calling the doctor I though for a fact you'd be bringing in a doctor you paid to assist the delivery or even a midwife. One who only truly cared about ensuring a successful delivery.

I do admit I'm torn between the idea of this taking place in a basement and me birthing on a matress or iron wrought bed or having been moved into a bedroom (yours) for the pregnancy and the basement being turned into a makeshift delivery room.

Either way, this was a wonderful read.

[obislittleone]

The Winner Takes It All

Episode 14

Pairing: Finnick Odair x Tribute(OC)!Reader

Chapter Warnings: Sadness, Anxiety, after effects. Finnick is a darling (per usual). Caesar Flickerman is a huge asshole in this but we're not gonna talk about that. Depressive Episode, angst, slight fluff.

Chapter Summary: Finnick's Victor arrives back, but she isn't adjusting like everyone expects her to. The Flickerman Show just stirs the pot.

Word Count: 4.2k

y'all are getting the double update with the season one finale right after this you are welcome.

“We loved watching you both interact, just as much as we loved hearing him talk about you.” Your brow furrowed again, and you had no idea what he was talking about. You hadn’t been separated from Lukas the entirety of the games, only splitting for the first time at the waterfall… surely you would have heard anything he said about you.  “He s-spoke about me?” 

Finnick and Mags walked on eggshells around you when you were brought back to the apartment. Arbin as usual could not sway his personality, even for the time being, but you didn’t blame him for it. You just wished that it was under better circumstances. Better meaning you’d never gone into that arena, and nobody else ever did, either. 

You were silent again. You nodded or shook your head when spoken to, trying to gesture for other words outside of yes and no, but you couldn’t bring yourself to speak. 

Finnick didn’t push you, he understood. He’d been dealing with the outcome of his games for years now, and he knew better than most the effects of losing a friend in the arena. 

When it was time to settle in for the evening, everyone had already been long asleep. The victory was to resume in the morning. There would be a parade, and another interview with Caesar Flickerman, in which you would definitely need to sleep for.

Arbin was about to drone on again about all the amazing and wonderful things you were going to experience… but you didn’t want to hear any of it, and Finnick knew well enough by the look on your face that his well meaning antics were the last thing you needed. 

“I think it’s time we all turn in. She’s got a busy day tomorrow.” 

Finnick’s interruption seemed to have worked, and Mags gave you one more gentle squeeze on the arm before going to her room. 

“I suppose it can all wait till tomorrow. How exciting, to finally have another victor!” Arbin shouted, leaving down the hall and leaving only yourself and Finnick in the common room. 

He looked at you, not with pity, but with empathy. He could feel your emotions, he remembered them well. The sorrow, the confusion of victory, the pain of loss, and the numbness of what was coming next. He knew and he hated it for you, but over everything, he couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t the slightest bit relieved. You’d won, and you were alive, and as selfish as he’d thought himself to be before, he wasn’t going to have to wonder what he would have done if you died. He doesn’t have to think that way, because you’re here, in front of him. 

“I know it’s gonna be hard to try… but you really need some sleep.”

You nodded, moving from your seat and standing to leave. 

“If you need anything, I’m here for you.”

You smiled softly at him, the best way you possibly could. It was still somber, and it was tight lipped, but it was a smile. 

You left the room right after, going past the door that was your counterpart’s and having to keep your mind in the numb place, refusing to let the thoughts of your dearest friend plague your mind. You’d have the rest of your life to grieve and think of him, but tonight of all nights, you needed to sleep.

You closed your door and sank down against it, taking as many slow and deep breaths as you could. You pulled yourself up, and managed to somehow sustain the energy to change and ready yourself to sleep. The numbness helped a little. It made you like a robot, doing tasks on autopilot until you were sitting at the edge of your bed, unsure of what to do or where to go from here. You reckon you should actually get into your bed and lay down… but you hate the idea of this bed, so big and spacious and just for you, all by yourself. 

You hate the idea of this entire room, suddenly.

You try to turn towards the window, looking out and over the city, but you find no solace in the largeness of it. You cannot see a single soul roaming about at this hour, and so you feel alone once again. 

You are alone now. Lukas is gone, and you have no one. You didn’t ever have any other friends, merely acquaintances that tolerated your presence, still poking fun at you like most did. There is no one you have left but yourself… but you hate yourself for letting Lukas die. You hate that it was him and not you. You hate that you’re alive right now and he’s become a permanent part of that arena. Year after year the hunger games will pass, but you will never forget that rainforest, that canopy of trees where you lost so many people, and the one who mattered the most. 

You’re alone in this world. Your mother and father love you dearly, but they cannot protect you like he did. You’ve lost your protection, your safeplace. You have lost your security. 

You try to block out the thoughts but they rage through your head, creating chaos on the inside whilst the room around you is engulfed in silence. 

You try to sit down on your bed again, but you never reach the edge of it. 

You leave the room, door ajar on your way out and down the hall. It’s not a good idea and it shouldn’t be the first one you have, but the end of the hallway calls to you and you don’t ignore it. 

You knock only once because that’s all it takes. He opens the door, having been right beside it, and looks to you with a kind expression. 

“Are yo-”

You step forward, gently coming into contact with him as your arms encircle his waist. You let your head rest against his chest, and feel within a second that his arms come around you. This is safety and security. Lukas isn’t here anymore… but Finnick is, and he went through hell and high water for you to make it back alive.

He’s not the person you want to find solace in, but he’s here, and he’s willing to take you into his arms, and you adore him for it. You cling to him as if you’ve never been held before. 

“C-can I stay here?” It’s spoken softly, but he hears it loud and clear. The first words you’ve uttered since leaving the medical bay outside of the arena. 

“Of course,” he says without missing a beat. 

He’s clinging to you, too. More than you would ever know. His first victor, though that title means nothing to him. You’re so much more to him than just a prized victor. He believes without a doubt that you are the missing puzzle piece he’s been in pursuit of since winning his games. Since feeling a constant emptiness and constant loss, he needed to find something worth making his life full. 

He pulls you along with him, taking steps backward to his bed. Again, far too large for any one person to sleep in, but maybe with the two of you, the space won’t seem so endless. 

-

“It’s b-beautiful,” you let out, staring with a smile at the work that Dalton had done, creating a dress for you to wear for your interview. You weren’t excited about it by any means… but you did have a better outlook this time, and if you could survive the hunger games, you could survive a ten minute segment with Caesar Flickerman. 

“I started making it after the first day,” he admits, his smirk following you as you walked around it, taking in the detail. He had a hunch, just like Finnick, and just like most. You were going to be the victor. 

“You all had f-far too much confidence in m-me.”

“I’d say that confidence paid off.”

He took the beautiful gown off of the mannequin, helping you into it as a few other stylists rushed around with hair accessories and what not. 

This was quite a big event for you. You were quickly realizing what winning the hunger games meant, not only for your own self. It wasn’t just something you accomplished, it was something that the entire capitol got to be a part of. Your sponsors got to relish in your victory just as much as you did, except, you didn’t relish in it at all.

When you were ready, they added the finishing touches, mermaid scales on the corners of your eyes, fanning out over your cheekbones in a beautiful manner. 

You looked like the daughter of Poseidon, a stunningly gorgeous mythical creature of the waters. 

You’d found yourself getting a bit caught up in the mirror, not quite recognizing the person you saw in front of you. She was someone else. She was the victor, not you. She’d been the one to break your moral code and seek vengeance over anything else in that arena. She was an ethereal being, capable of tumultuous feats, and daring quests. She was strong and confident, and showed no mercy… and now you have to rely on her to get you out of the capitol, past this interview and the crowning ceremony that will take place tomorrow. She’s the only one who can do this, because you know, deep down, if you go it alone, as yourself… you will fail.

“You’re on in a minute,” one of the stage managers had come to let you know, and guided you back through the wings to the side of the curtain. 

Caesar droned on about the highlights of the games, mentioning a few of the other tributes, Lukas’ name resurfacing. You couldn’t avoid it, you knew it would be the primary topic of the interview… but still you had to do this, they wouldn’t let you leave, or back out, or anything at all. You belonged to the capitol now. 

“I must say, the climax of this year’s games is one of my favorites of all time. A blaze of fire brought tremendous victory,” he said, his showmanship coming out with every word. “And I personally would love to hear about it firsthand, from this year’s winner!”

The crowd started clapping, and you took your queue to walk out, the people rising to their feet just at the sight of you. It’s not as warm a welcome as it seems to be. The whistles immediately take you off guard and put you in a bad headspace, but you persist. 

“Here she is!”

You put on a smile and wave to the crowd, hearing your name yelled back at you from various places in the audience. 

You both sit down when the applause dies out a little, and the interview commences. You know the exact questions before he asks them. 

“It is good to see you alive and well. I know we are all more than excited to hear all about your experience in the games… but I have to start out with a question of my own. Had you really not been able to swim before entering the games?”

He seemed genuinely interested in your answer, perhaps because he hadn’t been expecting to see your disappointing display after the first interview he had with you. 

“No, I c-couldn’t.”

“But you learned rather fast,” he assumed, a bit of a laugh under his tone.

“I wasn’t r-ready to die yet.”

“Of course! Your determination had us all on our toes! So… What exactly was your strategy when going into the arena?” 

“I m-mostly just stayed with my allies. T-they were the ones to p-protect me, I owe them m-my life.”

It was a sweet answer, or at least the crowd thought so, but it was the honest to God truth. You would not be sitting on this stage if not for Lyra, Rodey, and Lukas.

“They took down some mighty enemies. I recall Lyra and Rodey fighting off a panther!”

“Yes, they w-were amazing.” 

Caesar leaned in closer, his signature smirk playing on his lips as he mentioned the next question… your hands got sweaty when it rolled off his tongue. 

“Not quite as amazing as you. Tell me, how did it feel to defeat the last tribute?”

“I uh…” don’t want to talk about this… that wasn’t me, and it isn’t me. “It was s-strange.”

“Strange? My dear, could you elaborate on that?”

It took you a minute. You’d much rather talk about the other tributes, about the way they fought or the allies who protected you. All of that had been easier because it was true. This, it tortured you. That girl may have killed Lukas, but he would have killed her if he could, because that’s the game. 

“I’ve never thought a-about taking someone else’s life before. I think I just l-let the adrenaline t-take over,” you hoped that was a good enough answer, but he dug for more. 

“And how did you come up with your trap to kill her? It was brilliant, we were all watching with such anticipation when you set everything up!”

The crowd had a moment before you spoke, which you were grateful for. It gave you a moment to process the question and think of something normal to say. This was an act, you had to start behaving like it. 

“I had done s-something similar in my evaluation…” 

“Aha! I had been thinking about that… no wonder you managed a perfect score! How did it feel to be one of the highest scoring tributes in the competition?”

“It… m-made it easier to go into the a-arena.”

Not really, it didn’t. But the crowd was hanging onto your every word, and you had to keep them where they were, in the palm of your hand. 

“Yes, I imagine so. Did your allies covet your score at all?”

You furrowed your brows… Lukas had a perfect score, too. You never got to find out what he did to get it. He had been the pick of the litter, but now everyone is acting like it had been you all along, the capitol favorite. 

“No, my allies were d-devoted to helping each other. They w-were strong, and far b-braver than I was,” you admitted, again going back to the truth of the matter. Your allies, or the memory of them, was the only thing you were able to speak realistically on. They were the ones who got you out. 

“Your allies were tough competitors. I understand you were close with one in particular…”

He trailed off, but you took the silence as your queue to speak, and surprisingly, it felt natural.

“Lukas was m-my best friend. He’s always been there f-for me, I’m just sorry I c-couldn’t do the same for him,” you felt a ball of tension in your throat at the mention of his name from your lips. It still felt sensitive to speak of him when he wasn’t here.

“We loved watching you both interact, just as much as we loved hearing him talk about you.”

Your brow furrowed again, and you had no idea what he was talking about. You hadn’t been separated from Lukas the entirety of the games, only splitting for the first time at the waterfall… surely you would have heard anything he said about you. 

“He s-spoke about me?” 

“He did, with your other ally, Rodey. Apparently,” he paused for suspense, turning to the crowd to make sure he had them on their toes. “He was in love with you.” 

Your chest had restricted, the tightness preventing you from taking anything more than a shallow breath. Why was he telling you this? Was it even true? Is this the material the capitol thinks is worthy of entertainment? Of course it is, the primary reason the hunger games are even still going is because of the entertainment factor. 

“When d-did he say that?” 

Caesar looked straight into the camera with a smile, and pointed to the screen behind him. 

“We have a clip for you, right here.”

You watched as they projected the scene, you were fast asleep in Rodey’s arms, tear stains still gracing your cheeks as the two boys spoke. Seeing Lukas alive was haunting, but what was worse were the things he said. 

He mentioned not only being in love with you, but also having a childhood thought of growing up to marry you. That wasn’t just some schoolboy crush. Lukas loved you. He would have been the only boy that ever did. 

When the clip was over, you could feel the tears welling up in your eyes, but you couldn’t let them fall, because they couldn’t be allowed the satisfaction. It was cruel enough to talk about Lukas let alone show you how he felt without his permission. He never told you. 

Rodey hadn’t been the only one in that arena with feelings, but Lukas was smart enough to keep it hidden, and it should have stayed hidden. 

“My dear, that boy was right about one thing,” Caesar paused, again playing towards the audience when he spoke these words. “You are truly beautiful.”

All you could muster, the only strength you had, was a small “Thank you.”

“I am so glad to have been able to meet with you again, and I know everyone will be excited to see you tomorrow at your crowning ceremony… but for now, let’s give it up for the winner of the seventy-first hunger games!” 

He stood up, helping you to a stand before raising your fist in the air. You didn’t say anything, didn’t smile, and held back the tears you wanted to let loose more than anything. As soon as he let go of your hand, you nodded to him once more and left the stage, going as fast as you could without being suspicious. 

You didn’t make it far backstage before the floodgates opened, and the oceans built up within you started to spill over. You found the empty green room, and walked into it, unaware that you were being followed until you felt a pair of arms around you. 

He instantly pulled you into his chest, and you felt the familiarity of him, his scent, the curve of his strong arms and shoulders, and finally, his soothing voice. 

“I know,” he said, his sadness for you showing in his own emotional state. He had fought tooth and nail to get back here, even though they said he wouldn’t be permitted. He had no idea Caesar’s team was going to pull something like that. He would have caused hell for them if he had. If it had been any other tribute- victor, he would probably be complacent. But not you… not his Mercy. 

“He s-said that he-” you cut yourself off on account of the sob that racked your body. It was terrible the way you were made to feel, and so soon after probably the most traumatic event of your life. “Why did t-they-?”

“I don’t know,” he tried to answer, not wanting to rant to you given your current state. It would do no good to spew profanities towards the capitol while you were clutching his arms and crying onto his shirt. 

“He n-never told me,” you let out, the sounds of your sadness only intensifying. “He’s gone…”

Finnick didn’t know what to do. He wanted to make this better, he would do anything… but how could he make this go away? He couldn’t just resurrect Lukas from the dead and give him back to you, although he swears he would if it meant you would be happy again. 

“I know, I’m so sorry,” he looked around, the exit of the green room seeming all too inviting right now. He knew that if someone heard your cries the room would fill with nosy capitol goers, looking to stir the pot even more. He needed to get you into a place that was secluded, and far away from anyone that wanted to pry. “Let’s get you out of here, okay?”

You nodded against his chest, pulling away only slightly to be able to take steps, but clinging to his arms even still. You’d designated him as your primary source of safety and security last night, and had been cemented in that idea as soon as you woke up in his embrace this morning. Seeing his sleepy smile was the only thing that got you out of bed. 

His steps were rapid, and they got longer with each stride. You were probably supposed to meet with Dalton to get out of this dress, along with the hair and makeup you wore, but he wasn’t exactly keen on making you stay here any longer than you needed to be. He’d scrape those damn mermaid scales off of you himself if he needed to.

There was a car waiting for you, but hadn’t been expecting your early arrival… however, with the instructions they had been given, they drove as soon as you both set foot into the car. 

The ride was short, and when you walked through the doors of the apartment, Arbin had been the first to greet you, with lots of excitement, of course. 

“Darling you were wonderful! Completely the-” he stopped on account of the tears freshly rolling down your cheeks. “Why so glum, dear?”

“Not now,” Finnick told him flatly, escorting you to your room immediately and shutting the door with a loud thud. 

Arbin looked at Mags, sitting comfortably on the couch, concern written on her face. 

“What on earth happened?” 

-

It took you an hour to get everything off, and Finnick helped the best he could. He did his best to keep your modesty while also being forward enough to actually gain some ground. You’d been changed into that one nightdress from the night before you left, and your hair was let down, being settled over your shoulders as you mindlessly ran a brush through it. 

Finnick hadn’t left your side, sitting now and trying to peel the mermaid scales from the corners of your eyes. 

You winced at one in particular, and he stopped his movements.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, continuing his task until they all lay flat on the small hand towel he’d brought from the bathroom. 

He stood up to dispose of them, and your eyes followed him and every step he took. 

Now that you’d been attended to, he didn’t want to keep crowding your space. You may have sought comfort in his bed the night before, but now you were grieving the loss of someone who had been in love with you, and maybe he shouldn’t push his luck in overstaying his welcome. 

“Let me know if you need anything,” he said, a soft smile on his face with his offer… but then he opened your door and you jumped from the edge of your bed to stand. 

“Where are y-you going?” 

He stopped in his tracks, facing you with an expression nearly dumbfounded. Did you want him to stay?

“I just… figured you needed some time.”

You shook your head, a new wave of tears filling your eyes at the thought of being alone in this room again, or in any room at all. 

“I don’t w-want you to l-leave me,” you tried to keep your voice even, on account of the lump in your throat. 

His heart melted, and he couldn’t refuse you, even if he tried. Especially not in your moment of need. 

“I won’t leave you,” he closed the door and came before you, taking your hands in his and kissing the tops of each one like he’d done before you’d ever left. “As long as you need me, I’ll be here.”

You hugged him for what had to be the hundredth time by now, and stepped backwards a few times until you reached the edge of your bed, pulling him with you. You both got situated, without ever breaking the embrace, and he started to gently play with your hair. 

A long enough period of time had passed that he felt you might have drifted off, but then you spoke up with a question he hated to hear. 

“Do you think S-snow will be selling me s-soon?” 

You shouldn’t have to think about it, you shouldn’t have to dwell on that fact. It shouldn’t be placed upon you to go into that life. You’re not even ready to face the life you used to have, much less step into a new one full of abuse and self loathing. He feared you wouldn’t survive it. 

“I don’t know what his plans are…” he answered truthfully, although he knew for a fact that the capitol citizens were racking up their dollars and preparing to have you to themselves. “Whatever happens, I’m gonna be here, I won’t let you go through it alone.”

He wishes he could prevent you from going through it at all… but Snow had his ways of making things happen despite other’s best efforts to stop him. He was the President of the most powerful city in all of Panem. It didn’t make much sense to try and stop him and his acts of tyranny… but maybe he could play the cards a little differently.

An idea popped into his head, and he swore that he would beg on his hands and knees if he had to in order to make it happen. 

“Thank you, F-finnick.”

He smiled, and kissed the top of your head, letting his lips linger at the front of your hairline a moment too long before tucking you under his chin. 

“Get some rest, Mercy.”

-

tags(open): @thepassionatereader @i-voluntears @secretsicanthideanymore @mystargirl-interlude @c4ttheart @lilibrn @emma-andrea1 @marvelescvpe

[wishluc]

So i have had this thought for a while now.. kaeya or venti with a S/O who loves winter and all kinds of sparky lights/candles they lights candles and play in the snow and are just generally really happy when it's winter time

CW: yandere character

Kaeya finds this terribly unfair.

So you could welcome the cold snow of Dragonspine biting your exposed fingers till they were numb, and you could embrace the sharp, icy wind as it danced around you, and you could it all with a blindingly warm smile—but the minute he was to approach, you'd flinch away like he was some kind of monster, you'd tremble in his arms, as though the cold of his vision enveloped him whole in blazing iciness, and you wouldn't even spare a moment to talk to him, not even a glance in his direction when he brought you something to eat and offered to take you out. It was like he existed only as something frightening and despicable to you—something completely undeserving of love, not even worth a single word.

Your eyes sparkled with life as you drew shapes in the snow-blanketed ground with your finger, unable to hide the excitement in your every step. Bitter thoughts festered in his mind as he watches you, and he considers being a little mean. It didn't matter if you were to be mad at him, anything would be better than the stiff-lipped silence you guarded yourself with. Maybe he should do as the dark corner of his mind urges, and grab your frigid hands and drag you back home, or let you stay in the cold as long as you'd like, until you were frozen to the bone and shivering, and refuse to offer his warmth to you no matter how many times you looked at him from the corner of your eye.

He could be cruel too, if he wanted to. And he did want, but as much as he wished to give in to the intense resentment that coiled around his heart and squeezed in hopes of soothing the pain and the aching loneliness inside him, Kaeya decided against it—more than anything, all he wanted was to be the source of your happiness. He didn't feel any better after denying himself petty revenge, but...you would appreciate the sentiment if you knew, wouldn't you?

He laughs at himself; who was he kidding? You'd appreciate nothing that came from him.

Still, he tells himself that he can appreciate the scene before him. What was a few more hours of yearning, or wanting, to him now? He leans back against the crumbling wall, and watches you fall back onto the thick snow, looking up at the empty white sky with a large, uninhibited grin, rivalling the brightness of the sun.

He looks up too, only to try and find what brought you such joy; but he thinks that the unmoving clouds and chill in the air are nothing compared to the slow, cool breeze of the nights he brings you out to the balcony, blanketed by the twinkling stars and a serene silence. But of course, then, you'd never have such a lovely look on your face, and that makes the current picture all the more enticing.

Kaeya languidly stretches out his arms, hoping to catch your attention, "I think it's time we leave."

For a fleeting moment, he hopes that you'd turn to look at him with your joy still lingering, but you sit up and stare at him, and your solemn expression says it all. Any tranquility you may have found at the moment, any semblance of peace shatters the minute he foolishly spoke out, but you still looked at him, and he can make do with that.

Still, there's no protest from you, no dragging of feet, no regretful glances back. You let him hold your hand and walk alongside him back the way you came. It's not much, but it's something, and it starts a bright flame of hope in him.

Just like how you stubbornly braved the cold to indulge in your little desires, Kaeya thinks he can bear the frigid iciness of your heart, and maybe someday, he can thaw it out, too.

all works © wishluc. do not copy, steal or repost my works on other platforms. (including translations)

[cyberpunkboytoy]

English translyrics for "Cure" (Round 6 of Alien Stage)

Now you can sing along in English! Feel free to use for vocal covers or take inspiration from them (with credit! I worked really hard)

I highly recommend reading the lyrics in this document, where I've annotated the reasons behind my translation choices in comments. But I'll also drop them under this readmore:

[Till Verse]

To your fingertips let me have you

To your very soles let me have you

Cut me into halves with your eyes

As long as you're looking at me

If you could, leave marks to take with me

If you could, leave nothing left for taking

Swallow me and dissolve me in water

Drown me inside you

[Till Chorus]

Until all these stars in the sky

Are blurred by the passing of time

Though your lips may never warm mine

It's clear on my soul

Take me

Oh, oh

[Ivan verse]

Even if the words that you give me

Scar themselves inside of my mind

May they be something you keep

Like I'm kept beneath your tongue

Tell me now you see how I'm hurting

Tell me how you'll cure me and numb

all the painful screaming, the anxious feeling

I'll drown it with you

[Ivan chorus]

I'm ill from all these lonely nights

Got chills from this heavy silence

Look at me, keep me in your sights

Swallow me whole

Take me

Oh oh

[Bridge]

At least during this song

Can't we dance face to face

With our history and past

Lost to time's embrace?

[Chorus (full version)]

Until all these stars in the sky

Are blurred by the passing of time

Though your lips may never warm mine

It's clear on my soul

Take me

I'm ill from all these lonely nights

Got chills from this heavy silence

Look at me, keep me in your sights

Swallow me whole

Take me

Oh oh

[bangers2]

Jane Remover - Census Designated (Long review)

i wrote this after reaching 100 followers on aoty. The AOTY version can be found here if u wanna read it on there.

Hey! Thank you all for your support on my reviews thus far. Bangers2 started out as an impulsive Tumblr blog where I'd post a song a day, but that got stale pretty quickly so I ended up on AOTY. And it was scary at first (I once got flamed by like 3 people for making an "I hardly know her" joke...that was nice) but I think in the past couple months I've sort of found a community over here. The album that REALLY got me into music spaces and encouraged me to start sharing my opinions / analyses was this one!

Census Designated (or Census/CD, as I'll probably refer to it throughout this review) has been pivotal to my life since before it came out. I first discovered Jane through her feature on underscores' Wallsocket (an album which I'll probably review in more detail soon), where I instantly fell in love with her vocals. I checked out the title track about a week after it dropped and thought it was so fresh. There was a unique sort of pain to the song which really resonated with me at the time, and I kept it on loop for weeks. I was so damn lonely and depressed from October to like...February, and found a lot of solace in Census, especially "Holding a Leech," my personal SOTY of 2023. For the first time in my life I tried to get mental health support, and this album made communicating my feelings and circumstances a lot easier. It gave a voice to what I'd kept buried all my life.

On the other side of all the shit I went through, I still listen to this album a lot. Sure, it takes me back to some of the worst times in my life, but the genius of the production and songwriting is undeniable. I can’t stop coming back to it, even though it breaks my heart. I truly and genuinely believe that Census Designated is a masterpiece.

Census Designated is the sophomore album by Jane Remover, an artist who got her start making electronic music (Frailty, Dariacore, etc.). However, Census is a straight-up rock album, with loud guitars and harsh walls of noise. The lyrics are just as harsh as the production, with fictional stories of abusive relationships, violence, and a lot of body horror. With that being said, despite how much I love Census, I wouldn’t recommend this album to anybody…unless they’re in the right headspace for it. If you go in expecting “Frailty 2,” you will come out with ear fatigue and a hefty dose of nightmare fuel.

WITH THAT BEING SAID. The harshness of the album - all of its jarring static and blood-curdling screaming - is balanced by incredibly catchy melodies and a lot of introspection. Jane’s vocals are really great - a huge improvement since Frailty and even the venturing tracks. She has an incredibly smooth voice, and I can tell she’s influenced by a lot of pop vocalists like Ariana. I'm a vocal technique nerd. I bet SHE's so lucky to have a voice like that.

Vocals aside, I love the instrumentations on here too! She uses the harsh noise and heavy guitars to further the turmoil in each track. They’re all explosive songs, starting out quite calm and eventually building up to a huge release towards the end. It works out really well; on songs like “Holding a Leech,” you can feel the slight numbness in her voice on the first chorus turn into loud, unimaginable desperation by the end of the song, as she chokes out “how much longer ‘till I’m truly alone?”

ALSO!! The lyrics are SO good. She's said in interviews that none of what she talks about really happened to her, they're just abstractions of feelings she had been having. I think her way of articulating these feelings is so evocative. You can't take anything here at face value, so you really have to Analyze for the lyrics to make sense. Even without reading them over and over, I feel like, for me personally, there was a clear feeling that each line evoked, and it's so cool how open ended so much of it is. My favourite lyrics are on the title track, which is fuelled with so much anger and pain that it's sort of overwhelming. Jane said the song is about the music industry and how it takes advantage of young artists. Despite not relating to that at all, I ~felt~ a lot of what she was saying, and saw myself in a lot of it.

Census Designated feels like a cautionary tale; a story of the absolute worst case scenario. Nightmare after nightmare. Boiling water being poured on hands. Jaws being broken. Cars being crashed. Desperation. Begging for forgiveness. Throwing up. Waking up feeling fine, despite it all. In the absence of the physical pain, there lies a pit in my stomach as I listen to these songs. A sense of uneasiness. A deep, unexplainable sorrow.

This album will not save your life. Not like Nurture or Sweetener or any of those albums where you come out of it feeling like everything will be okay. No, this is an album that is harrowing. So intensely horrifying, that you might start to recognize that something is wrong if you resonate with it. And there's something so important about that. I can't say that Census Designated /saved/ my life; but it did change it. And for that, it's become one of my favourite albums of all time.

...And a 10/10.

Thanks for reading. If you've ever felt like I did, I just want to say that everything will be okay, and this, too, shall pass. You will survive. You will find a way out of it. I believe in you. Keep going.

[tightjeansjavi]

Burning in a Hopeless Dream

Part 16

“Four Hands Bloodied”

Joel Miller x f! o/c

gif by @riley-keoughs

A/N: the time has finally come for me to put this chapter out there. I took a break from Gwen and Joel after chapter 15 because it took a lot out of me to write it. This chapter actually might hurt more than the last and like I have said before, it doesn’t get any better from here. This entire chapter is all angst so if that isn’t your thing, please don’t read it. Thank you for being patient with me. ♡

~word count: 9.0k~

Summary: after Tess’s death, you, Joel, and Ellie make the trek to Bill and Franks.

Warnings: age gap, (o/c is in her early 30’s and Joel is in his 50’s) established relationship, angst, trauma, regret, guilt, anger, resentment, heartbreak, arguments, depictions of a panic attack, going into shock, two character deaths, (Bill and Frank’s suicide) PTSD, triggering themes that may be disturbing for some viewers. Implicit smut, no description as it’s all about Joel and Gwen’s feelings in the moment, brief mentions of alcohol, unprotected piv, emotions, cock warming but in the sense that they physically do not want to be apart from one another, sad sex is the easiest way to describe it. Some might find their coping mechanisms to be toxic, (+18) minors dni!

Songs for this chapter:

“Favorite Crime” by Olivia Rodrigo

“Long Long Time” by Linda Rondstadt

“take a moment to breathe” by normal the kid

“Eavesdrop” by The Civil Wars

“Same Old Same Old” by The Civil Wars

“White Lie” by the Civil Wars

“Flicker” by Niall Horan

“Wait” by M83

“On The Nature of Daylight” by Max Richter

“I Can’t Go On Without You” by KALEO

10 miles outside of the Boston QZ

The only visible light source was the oil lamp that sat between yours and Ellie’s sleeping bags. You had unwrapped the cloth from the teens arm before gently cleaning it with a rag doused in rubbing alcohol. Ellie didn’t even flinch as the chemical burned the fresh bite mark on her forearm. You were silent as you gently cleaned the wound. Your mind had completely gone numb. You had entirely shut down sans your aching heart. It ached for Tess. It ached for Bea. It ached for Ellie and it ached for Joel. That was the dangerous thing about loving someone. There would always be an inevitable pain that followed.

“Can you tell me about Bill and Frank?” Ellie had spoken through the thick silence. The soft glow from the oil lamp was casted on both yours and Ellie’s face.

“They’re our long time friends. Well, Joel and…Tess knew them longer than I have. Bill is the ultimate survivalist. He turned his mom’s house into an apocalypse bunker. He’s got security cameras, booby traps, and a giant steel fence that surrounds the town and his property. Bill and Frank are lovers, the unlikely kind. They’re pretty much the polar opposites of each other.” You spoke softly as you grabbed a fresh bandage from your backpack and gently wrapped Ellie’s arm.

“Bill sounds like a fucking badass. How did they end up meeting and falling in love?” Ellie asked, curiosity laced in her tone.

“Oh, he’s a badass alright. Huge grump as well but he reminds me of—” You paused, letting out a sigh as you gathered up your med supplies and tucked them back into your bag. “Frank fell into one of Bill’s many booby traps and the rest is history.”

Ellie could sense your discomfort as she quietly thanked you for tending to her arm. “Are you..okay? I know that’s a silly question to ask considering what happened, but..we can talk about it if you want?”

You dodged her question like it was the fucking plague. “Do you wanna see a picture of them? Well, all of us together actually. It was taken a couple summers ago.” You reached into your backpack once more, searching around till you found the Polaroid photo with the time stamp, June 21st, 2021

The edges of the photo were a bit worn but the colors stayed true. You could taste the warm summer breeze on your tongue. Joel’s laughter and Bill’s grumbling as Frank insisted on taking the photo. “So that pretty little thing is Tess’s girlfriend, Bea. She’s a spitfire. Then those two handsome chaps are Bill and Frank.” You pointed to the two older gentlemen. Frank was beaming in the photo while his lover looked as grumpy as ever.

The photo was taken midway through a game of monopoly. You were all huddled close around the table. The only person who wasn’t focused on the camera was your Joel. He was too busy looking at you.

Your fingers were trembling as you held the photo under the warm glow of the oil lamp. Your lower lip wobbled, but you refused to cry. You had shed more than enough tears that day and your body was spent.

“Gwen..” Ellie whispered, reaching out and gently placing her hand over your trembling one.

“Ellie, please. I can’t talk about this. I’m sorry.” You shakily whispered as you looked up at the teen with glassy eyes.

“Well, it’s a beautiful photo. You all look super happy in it. Well, except for Bill. He looks like one grumpy ass motherfucker. Must have been a fun day, huh?” Ellie spoke softly as she didn’t want to upset you anymore than you already were.

“Oh, it was a super fun day. The happiest that any of us ever were. It was like..this moment outside of reality, where the apocalypse didn’t exist, and we were all just living our lives.”

“That’s beautiful.”

The top of the oil lamp made a low hissing sound from a stray raindrop that had landed on the warm metal. Soft patter of raindrops began to fall between the gaps in the trees. One had landed on Ellie’s nose and she let out a soft sound of annoyance, scrunching her nose up from the intrusion before she threw the hood of her jacket over her head.

“Listen, Ellie. I know why you stood up for me earlier, but..don’t feel like you need to do that alright? Especially when Joel—”

Ellie shook her head as she stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets to keep them warm. “Gwen, I wasn’t just gonna sit there and let him talk to you like that. He was just fucking beating on you the whole time. That wasn’t okay. You know that right?”

You let out a sigh, rubbing your fingers against your temples before you glanced over your shoulder. At the far edge of the camp, you could barely make out Joel’s form laying on his sleeping bag. His back was facing you and he had his gun clutched tightly to his chest.

“I know it wasn’t okay what he did. Look, I just don’t want him thinking that just because he’s going through something, that he just gets to take it out on you now too. I know how to handle him, and I promise you, he won’t ever speak to you that way again. Not while I’m still breathing.”

Ellie nodded as she tucked herself into her sleeping bag and used the light from the oil lamp to read her shitty puns book titled, No Pun Intended: Volume Too

At the far end of the makeshift campsite, Joel was lying on his side. His back was facing you and Ellie far in the distance. He was clutching his rifle to his chest, finger hovering the trigger. It had been hours since Tess had died. Hours since he said the unforgivable to you. Hours since his entire fucking world was turned upside down. He felt lost. Hopeless. Broken. Out of ideas. Most importantly, he was angry at himself. Furious for allowing himself to treat you so cruelly. He knew that apologizing to you would leave him fruitless. His words would mean nothing to you because the damage was already inflicted. Part of him was surprised that you hadn’t left. He couldn’t blame you if you did end up leaving. If he put himself in your shoes, he would be doing the same thing. So what does a man such as himself do now? How does one move forward? How does one forgive themselves for inflicting cruelty on the ones they love the most?

Joel felt the tears prick the corner of his eyes as he quickly blinked them away. He didn’t deserve to cry. Not after what he had done. His heart clenched in on itself when he pictured the way your face fell. The tears streaming down your cheeks. The pain swirling behind your warm irises as you shakily held the barrel of your gun deep into the cavern of his chest.

Joel squeezed his eyes shut tight. Wishing that the images would dissipate from his broken mind. He couldn’t stand it. Knowing that you were yards away from him, hurting and he couldn’t do a goddamn thing to fix it.

Pathetic.

He listened to the whistling of the wind twisting through the trees above. The leaves fluttered. The crickets and forest life sang their songs, but Joel’s mind did not stop reeling. He forced himself to try and get some form of sleep. Even if it was just 20 minutes. Despite everything that happened, he would be damned if he wasn’t alert enough to keep you and Ellie safe through the night.

Just as his mind began to relax and the overall exhaustion had his eyes drooping, he heard a voice whispering through the trees. His ears began to ring and his mind felt fuzzy. The sounds of the forest were muffled by the ringing in his ears. Then, everything went silent. A brief moment of relief, and then he heard her voice again.

Sarah.

Dad. What happened? Dad..I'm sorry about Tess. She’s sorry things ended the way they did. Dad, I know you’re hurting. I know you’re angry, but you hurt Gwen so bad. Why did you do that?

Joel felt the guilt swirl deep in his gut. He was conscious enough to know that he really wasn’t hearing his dead daughter's voice. It was just his mind playing tricks on him. She wasn’t really speaking to him but god, did it fucking hurt to hear his baby girl disappointed in him.

“I’m so sorry baby girl. I know I shouldn’t have treated her that way. I was just so upset, and angry at myself for not bein’ able to protect Tess. I failed her and I know Gwen was only tryin’ to comfort me. I needed her and I pushed her away. I’m so sorry.”

You need her more than ever now. You can’t lose her. Promise me you won’t lose her Dad. You have to show her that you’re better than that. Please. I love you, and I know you’ll do the right thing.

“I promise you that I won’t lose her. I can’t lose her. I love you, and I miss you so fucking much baby girl. Daddy loves you so much.” Joel whispered through the darkness.

I love you.

Joel felt his body cave in on itself, silent sobs wrecked through him as he trembled along the sleeping bag. His grip around the rifle tightened as he tried to bring himself back down to earth. It was too much. Everything was too fucking much. He wished that you were there, holding him, singing to him, comforting him. He desperately yearned for your warm embrace, despite being aware that he didn’t deserve it. Sarah was right, Joel needed you more than ever now.

“Hey kiddo? Try and get some sleep, okay? I’m going to take the first watch. We’re gonna be on the road early tomorrow morning. I promise I'll keep you safe Ellie. No matter what.” You were slowly rising from the forest floor with your gun tucked safely in the holster around your hips.

The teenager looked up at you from her puns book as she slowly nodded. Her eyes were searching yours. You could tell she was looking for comfort, for reassurance that everything was going to be okay. “Thank you, Gwen.” She whispered.

You gave her a small reassuring nod before you stepped over your sleeping bag. You didn’t want to speak to Joel at all. You would have much rather avoided it at all costs. You promised this kid that you would keep her safe and in order to do that, you’d have to bury your hurt feelings, and ego for her sake.

Your approach was quiet, and you could already feel the tears pricking your eyes as you drew near his broad frame curled up on his sleeping bag. You swallowed the lump growing in your throat as you stood over him.

“Joel.”

You heard him take a shuddered inhale as he turned his head over his shoulder, looking up at you. Even in the darkness, you could see the glassy look in his deep pools of brown. Your heart tugged in your chest towards him, but you refused to give in.

“Gwen.” Was all he could muster out.

“I’m taking the first watch. Get some sleep and I'll wake you up when it’s your turn.” You averted making eye contact with him at all and looked off to the side.

“Are you sure?..I can take the first watch—” you cut him off before he could continue.

“No, Joel. It’s fine. Just get some sleep.” You were already turning on your heel to walk away when you felt his warm palm encage around your wrist, ceasing your movements.

“Gwen, I know that you’re upset, you have every right to be—”

“Fucking let go of my wrist right now Joel. Let go of me.” You hissed under your breath as you moved to tug your wrist from his grasp.

“Gwen, please. I can’t—” he pleaded with you.

“Can’t what? Can’t lose me? You can’t lose something that was never yours Joel.” The words rolled bitterly off your tongue. You couldn’t help it. He had hurt you so bad and all you could do was lash out.

“Don’t go fuckin’ sayin’ somethin’ like that when you know it ain’t true.” He harshly whispered, feeling his own bitterness begin to seep through his already broken heart.

“It’s not true? What makes it not true? If you know what’s good for you, you’ll let me go right fucking now.”

“It ain’t true because I know you’re angry, you’re upset, and you’re hurt, but you don’t actually feel that way..you don’t. I know you don’t.” His grip loosened just enough for you to pull your wrist free.

“Don’t you dare fucking tell me how I feel, Joel. Don’t you dare.” You were seething at this point, blinking away the tears that were threatening to spill over. You gave him one last harsh look before you were quickly retreating from him.

Joel let his hand drop to the forest floor, gripping the grass between his fingers. He tore up grass and dirt beneath his palms. His fingernails caked in dirt as he tore up more of the grassy earth. He watched you walk away from him and did nothing about it. You needed more time, that was all. He tried to convince himself that you’d forgive him eventually. That you still loved him. He knew he was being selfish for allowing his thoughts to focus on your feelings towards him. Had he really learned nothing?

Of course you still loved him. Of course you fucking did and the worst part? There was nothing you could do to stop it. Joel was far too deeply entangled in your soul for you to not love him. You were doing this for Ellie. You weren’t doing this for him, or yourself, you were doing this for the 14 year old girl that wasn’t even sure if she would live to see another day.

It was sometime in the middle of the night when you had gone to wake up Joel so he could take the second watch. You kicked his boot hard with your own, startling him awake but you didn’t care. As soon as he was sitting up with his rifle at the ready, you were already walking back to your sleeping bag and climbing into its confines.

Joel had let out a grumble sigh as he slowly rose from his sleeping bag. He reloaded his rifle effortlessly before he was quietly walking past yours and Ellie’s sleeping bags. He stopped briefly as he glanced down at your curled up form under the confines of the sleeping bag. He let his eyes gaze over to Ellie’s before he walked away. He was standing close enough to both of your sleeping bags to shield you if needed. Now that he was forced awake, his mind had the free rein to tear him up even more than he had already felt.

Ellie was the first to wake up while Joel was still on watch. She slowly sat up from the warm confines of her sleeping bag. She hadn’t noticed Joel at first as she was still in a sleepy state and her body was still waking up. She rubbed the eye crusties away with a yawn as she stretched her arms above her head. There was a slight chill in the fresh morning air and she was immediately reaching for her jacket to block out the chill. She zoned in on the sound of a twig snapping and her head snapped towards where the noise was emitting from. She let out a visible sigh of relief when she realized it was just Joel. “Morning.” She mumbled quietly as she stood up.

Joel let out a deep sigh, his jaw clenching as he looked over at the teenager. “Mornin.’” He mumbled back.

Ellie hesitantly walked towards him as she slipped her jacket on and shoved her hands in the worn pockets for extra warmth. She glanced towards your sleeping bag where you were still fast asleep. “Should we wake her up?”

“No.” He shook his head. “She’s been through enough. We’ll just let her sleep a little longer. It’s the least I can do for her. Are..you hungry?”

Ellie was tugging on a loose thread inside her jacket pocket absentmindedly. She looked over at Joel and gave him a slight nod. “Yeah, I am.”

Joel reached into his own jacket pocket and pulled out the last ration of his jerky and held it out to her. “Here. You can have what’s left of mine.” This was his own way of extending the figurative olive branch to her.

Ellie looked at Joel wearily. She wasn’t necessarily his biggest fan at the moment but would hating this man she barely knew, really do any good? You and Joel were the only sense of security she had now. She trusted you, but Joel? Not nearly as much. Nonetheless, she reached her hand out and grabbed the wrapped jerky. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Joel knew he was going to have to say more than that to get through to Ellie. He was going to have to try a lot harder than that.

“Listen..” He hesitated. “I know that yesterday was a lot. I know you were only tryin’ to help and stick up for Gwen, and i’m sorry for the way that I spoke to ya. You’re just a kid, and I shouldn’t have said the things I did Ellie.”

Ellie had torn off a small piece of jerky before quietly chewing it. She refused to make eye contact with him and reverted to staring off in the distance. “I don’t believe you.”

When Joel didn’t respond, Ellie took this opportunity to tell him how she really felt. “Look, I'm sorry that Tess died. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to protect her. I’m sure you wanted to throw the blame on me, right? You needed a truck battery and no one made you take me. You made the choice, but that doesn’t mean you get to blame me, or Gwen for the outcome of your choice. So don’t stand there and fucking sugar coat anything to me Joel.”

Joel was not expecting this kind of response from Ellie at all but he knew she was right. He couldn’t blame her or you for what happened to Tess. No one deserved to take the blame for her death. He knew he shouldn’t blame himself either, but he did. He was still angry at himself for not being able to do more.

“You’re right. I don’t get to blame you or Gwen for my choices. Neither of you are to blame for Tess’s death. Look, all I'm askin’ is that you try and look past all that. Gwen and I can keep you safe, but it ain’t gonna work if we’re not all on the same page. You get what I'm sayin’?”

Ellie snorted under her breath at his response. “Sure. Right. Well, I don’t really have much of a choice now do I? I’m unfortunately stuck with you. Good luck getting her back man. Pretty sure its gonna take a fuckin’ miracle for her to ever forgive you.”

“Will you help me?”

“Why the hell would I do that?” Ellie quipped back.

“Cause if you wanna stay alive, and make it to the fireflies, you’re gonna need both of us to get you there.”

Ellie thought for a moment on her follow up answer. She could have the upperhand on this situation if she really wanted to.

“Fine. My one condition is that I get a gun too.”

Joel scoffed at her request and immediately shook his head. “Absolutely fuckin’ not. I ain’t givin’ a 14 year old a gun.”

Ellie shrugged with a faux sigh of disappointment. “Well, guess we don’t have a deal.”

“I’ll teach you to shoot, but you ain’t gettin’ a gun, kid.”

“Deal.” Ellie said with a small grin on her face.

You had awoken from your dreamless slumber shortly after Joel and Ellie had come to their own agreement. You were already rolling up your sleeping bag, and packing your bag. You had said good morning to Ellie, but the only acknowledgment you gave to Joel’s existence was a slight nod of your head in his direction. At least soon you would be reunited with Frank, and one of his warm bear hugs. You couldn’t wait to see him, and well..Bill too of course.

The sun was high in the sky now as the three of you walked a route that was familiar to you and Joel. You and Ellie had taken a couple detours to rescue a few butterflies. Joel couldn’t help but watch you as you carefully guided a monarch butterfly onto your finger, and placed it on a nearby milkweed plant. He saw the softness in your face, and the lightness in your eyes for a brief moment before it was gone again.

The next critters you and Ellie found were two garden snakes. Neither one of you were fearful of the creatures as you gently picked the snake up. The creature wrapped itself around your wrist lightly as you lightly stroked the top of its small scaly head. It was a nice moment that you and the teenager were able to share together. You both set the snakes down in a grassy patch and watched them slither away.

Joel took no part in any of it, but you could feel his gaze burning into the side of your face constantly.

You were telling Ellie more stories of Bill and Frank as the hike continued. Joel had found himself stopped in his tracks when he saw a purple butterfly land along your shoulder. Its wings slowly opened as it was soaking in the warmth of the sunlight. You hadn’t noticed the delicate creature using your shoulder as a perch to sunbathe on. Joel remembered the first time you and him saw a purple butterfly land on his nose two summers ago at Bill and Franks. He immediately knew it was his daughter then, and his daughter now.

His eyes stayed locked on the delicate creature as he walked close behind you. The butterfly stayed on your shoulder for a few minutes longer before fluttering away. His eyes followed the creature till he could see it no more.

“How’d you get that scar on your head?” Ellie asked, tearing him from his thoughts suddenly.

When he didn’t immediately respond, Ellie kept pressing.

“What? Is it something lame? Like you fell down the stairs or something?” She couldn’t help but be a little curious.

“I didn’t fall down any stairs, kid.”

“Okay..so what happened then?”

“Someone shot at me and missed.” He grumbled.

“See, that’s so fuckin’ cool. You shoot back?” Ellie was looking up at him now.

“Yeah.”

“Wicked. You get him?”

“No. I missed, too. It happens more often than you think.” Joel’s eyes locked on yours momentarily as you glanced over your shoulder at the pair. His and your expressions were unreadable.

“‘Cause you suck at shooting or, like in general you mean?”

“In general.” His response was gruff and he hoped to god she didn’t ask him anything else about it.

As soon as he saw her opening her mouth again, he cut her off before she could ask him another question.

“You ask a lot of goddamn questions, you know that kid?”

“Yes, I do.” Ellie responded with a cheshire cat grin.

The three of you stopped at Cumberland Farms. It was the gas station that you, Joel, and Tess would stash ammo and supplies when you were short on gear.

Ellie immediately zoned in on an old arcade game that was covered in dust in debris. She had a childlike excitement in her eyes as she started pressing all the buttons. “No way! You ever play this one? I had a friend who knew everything about this game. There’s this one character named Mileena who takes off her mask and she has monster teeth, and then she swallows you whole and barfs out your bones!” It was clear to you that the teenager was reliving a fond memory just based on her excitement. It was nice to see that the apocalypse hadn’t killed her spirit entirely.

“Ah. Oh, man. You forgot where you put your stuff.” Ellie spoke observantly as Joel was looking for the loose floorboard where the extra ammo was stashed.

“What? No. I’m just zeroin’ in on it is all. It’s been a couple years.” He grumbled.

“He doesn’t remember.” You whispered to the teenager before walking down the aisle where you knew the ammo was stashed. You had to kick some debris and other crap off of it before you got down on your knees and started to lift the floorboards. Joel had come alongside you, crouching besides you as he helped you lift the boards. Your hands brushed momentarily but you ignored him entirely as you pulled out a couple guns, packs of food, and bullet cartridges.

“Okay, well, i’m gonna take a look around, see if there’s anything good.” Ellie’s voice was distant as she was already walking towards the back of the store.

“Trust me, it’s all been picked over already.” Joel responded as he grabbed the carton of bullet cartridges from you to reload his gun.

“Maaaybe, Maybe not. Is there anything bad in here?” Ellie asked.

“Just you.” He gruffly spoke.

“Ah. Getting funnier.” You already picture Ellie’s little grin as you were reloading your own gun.

“Are you going to talk to me at all?” Joel was looking at you now. He was trying to gauge exactly where your head was at that moment and you knew it.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Joel.” You finished loading your gun before grabbing the bags of canned food and stuffed it into your backpack.

“Bullshit.”

“Can you just respect the fact that I don’t want to fucking talk to you? Stop trying to pressure me. If I wanted to talk to you then I would, but I don’t. So leave me alone.” You lowly whispered as you stood up.

“You can’t push me away forever. We have to talk eventually, Gwen.”

“I sure as hell can fucking try and push you away for as long as I see fit.” You zipped up your bag in a haste, swinging it over your shoulder.

Neither of you could hear Ellie at this point as you were both too caught up in your own emotions.

“Ellie?”

No response.

You and Joel both had your guns at the ready as you walked towards the back of the store.

“Ellie?” You and Joel called her name again. She was only gone for a few minutes. What the hell could have happened in that amount of time.

“Picked over, my ass.” The teen gleefully was holding up a box of tampons in her hand as you turned the corner.

“Don’t go fuckin’ scarin’ us like that.” Joel had lowered his gun at his side.

“Yeah, okay. Sorry.” She mumbled sheepishly.

After reloading on ammo, the three of you were back on the trail. You knew that you were nearing Bill and Franks based on the scenery. The plane wreck up along the farside of the hill, and the graves that lay ahead.

“Holy shit. You fly in one of those before Joel?” Ellie asked.

Joel glanced towards the wreckage he had seen about a dozen or so times now. “Yeah, a few times, sure. It ain’t all cracked up to what you think it is. Gettin’ shoved in a middle seat, next to either some stuffy guy, or an annoyin’ kid. Pay 12 bucks for a damn sandwich.”

“Dude, you got to go up in the sky!”

Joel sighed, adjusting the strap of his rifle on his shoulder. “Yeah, well, so did they.” He grimly responded.

“So, everything came crashing down in one day?” She was still looking towards the plane wreck. It was hard for her to look away. So many lives on that singular plane were lost. It was haunting to think about.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Okay..but how? I mean…no one was infected with the Cordyceps, everybody’s fine, eating in restaurants and flying in planes. Then, all at once? How the hell did it even start? Cause if you have to be bit to get infected, who bit the first person? Was it a monkey? I bet it was a monkey.”

Joel scoffed under his breath, shaking his head slightly in her direction. “It wasn’t a monkey. Didn’t you go to school? I’d think they would explain this shit to you.”

“FEDRA school. They didn’t teach us shit on how their shitty government failed to prevent a pandemic.”

Joel took a deep breath, a shaky inhale. He really did not want to be having this conversation right now, but he couldn’t fault Ellie on her natural curiosity. She was just a kid after all.

“Well, no one really knows for sure, but, best guess I got..Cordyceps mutated. Thinkin’ some of it got into the food supply. Probably a basic ingredient that everyone uses. Like flour, or sugar. There were certain brands of food that were sold everywhere, all across the country, across the world. Bread, cereal…pancake mix. So, you eat enough of it, it’ll get you infected. So the tainted food hits all the store shelves around the same time, Thursday. People bought it, ate some Thursday night, or Friday morning. Day goes on..they started gettin’ sick. By the afternoon, evenin’, they got worse. Then they started bitin’. Friday night, September 26, 2003. By Monday, everything was gone.

Silence fell between Joel and Ellie, and you could tell that Joel’s mind was reeling now. You weren’t looking back at him, but you just had a feeling that he was picking at his cuticles to distract himself. You weren’t there to hold his hand.

Once you were nearing the gravesite, Joel had gently grabbed Ellie’s forearm to hold her back. “Hang on just a minute, kid. I don’t want you goin’ up there. We’re gonna cut through the woods.”

Ellie looked up at him before her gaze fell on you. “Wait, isn’t the road easier?”

“Yeah, it’s just…There’s stuff up there that you shouldn’t see.” Joel was honest. He remembered the first time you saw the gravesite. Your reaction was the same as Tess’s but it hurt him 10x more to see you sob for the innocent lives taken.

“Well, now I have to see. It can’t be that bad, right?”

“Ellie. I don’t want you too. I’m tryin’ to protect you. I’m serious.” Joel was stern with his tone. He really did not want her seeing those kinds of horrors.

“Can it hurt me?”

“No. That ain’t the point though. I don’t want you seein’ it.” He let out a defeated sigh when the teen had slipped her wrist from his grasp and was already walking ahead.

“You’re too honest, man. Should’ve said it was an axe murderer or something. Michael Meyers, Freddy Krueger, Jason. That would have scared me, maybe.” She had come to a sudden stop when she stumbled upon the gravesite. “Uh…whatever it was…think it’s gone.” She looked over her shoulder at you and Joel.

“About a week after Outbreak Day, soldiers…went through the countryside, evacuated the small towns. Said you were goin’ to a QZ, and you were…if there was room. If there wasn’t…”

You were standing alongside him now, fingers twitching at your side. It was taking all the willpower you had left to not reach out and grab his hand.

“These people weren’t sick?”

“No, probably not.” Joel turned his head slightly to look at you. His eyes casted down to your hand, he watched your fingers twitch and he ever so slightly extended his hand towards you hesitantly.

“Why kill them? Why didn’t they just leave ‘em be?” Ellie looked between the two of you.

You finally met his gaze when he had outstretched his hand in your direction. Your hand did not move towards him. It stayed planted to your side.

“Dead people can’t be infected.” Joel somberly responded.

It was late afternoon when the three of you arrived at Bill and Frank's compound. Joel typed the code into the keypad and watched the metal fence creak open. As you neared their quaint home, you immediately sensed something was wrong. The flowers in the front of the white picket fence were wilted, dried up, dead. Frank never let his flowers wilt. He never would abandon them. He loved each and every one of his plants–oh god.

Joel was already reaching for your arm on instinct to hold you back. He knew whatever laid behind that door was not good. He wanted to protect you from it, shield you from the truth that laid within. He couldn’t because you were too quick, too determined as you slipped your wrist out of his grasp and ran up the steps. Your gun was drawn as you pushed open the door quietly.

“Bill?..”

“Frank?..”

“Oh god, please. No. No. No. Bill?! Frank?!” You observed the front entryway that you had passed through so many times. You saw the flies buzzing on the dining room table. There were two plates of rotting food. For how long? You were unsure, but based on the flies, it had to have been days, weeks even.

They could not be dead. Not your Frank. He was not dead. You desperately tried to convince yourself as you frantically called their names, over and over again.

“BILL?!

“FRANK?!” Your voice cracked as you neared their bedroom door, your hand was grasped around the handle but before you could push open the door, Joel was grabbing you, his arms were around your waist protectively and that's all you needed to finally break down and sob. They were dead. Your friends were fucking dead behind that door.

“GET THE FUCK OFF ME! GET OFF OF ME JOEL!” You let out a wail as you turned around in his arms and frantically pushed and punched his chest. “GET OFF OF ME!”

Joel felt his heart twist painfully in his chest as you fought against him. He was holding himself together as best as he could as you cried for your dead friends. “Gwen. Gwen. Baby, please please please stop fighting me. Please! I’m so sorry–”

You broke free of his loose grip as you collapsed down to your knees. Your own arms wrapped around your shaking frame as you let out heavy, heart wrenching sobs. Your vision was blurred by salty tears as you completely caved in on yourself.

Joel was frozen on the spot, his expression stoic, and unreadable. He didn’t know what the fuck to do. What could he do? Bill and Frank were dead. They were dead and he couldn’t comfort you the way he so desperately wanted.

Ellie had watched the whole thing go down from the open doorway. She brought her hand up to her face when she watched you collapse to the floor in a heap of sobs. She pushed herself past Joel before sinking down to her own knees. Suddenly, her arms were around you, she was hugging you tightly, doing her best to try and comfort you.

You only sobbed harder. A bone chilling wail slipped past your cracked lips as you struggled to breathe. Your senses were on overdrive. You were panicking, and Joel recognized it immediately. He was gently grasping Ellie’s shoulders in his trembling palms. “Ellie, move. Please. She needs room to breathe.” He spoke gently to her, easing the teen up from the floor before he sank down to his knees in front of you.

You vaguely could feel his rough palms grasping your tear stained cheeks in a feather light hold. Your ears were ringing, lungs on fire. Joel’s voice sounded muffled and far away. Your head felt dizzy, you swore you were seeing stars behind your eyes as the color drained from your face completely. You had gone sheet white, like a ghost. Heart thrumming rapidly against your ribcage.

“Gwen? Hey..baby. Listen to me, alright? I need you to take some deep breaths for me okay? Deep breaths. Ready? I’ll do them with you.” His tone was soft, tender, and reassuring.

Joel took a deep lungful of air, his eyes never leaving yours as you followed with a deep shaky inhale. You did this a few more times together, and he watched in relief when the color slowly returned to your face.

As soon as you were in a conscious state, you were pushing him away again, far away as your body trembled from shock.

Ellie was close by. She was holding a piece of paper between her fingers. A letter from Bill.

“Read it, Please Ellie.” You whispered.

“Read it.” Joel gave her a small nod of encouragement as he rose to his feet.

August 29th, 2023

“To whomever…but probably Joel.. If you find this…please do not come into the bedroom. We left a window open so the house wouldn’t smell, but it would probably be a sight. I’m guessing you found this, Joel, because anyone else would’ve been electrocuted or blown up by one of my traps. Hehehehehehehehe. Take anything you need. The bunker code is the same as the gate code but in reverse. Anyway…I never liked you, but still, it’s like we’re friends…almost. And I respect you. So, I'm gonna tell you something because you’re probably the only person who will understand. I used to hate the world, and I was happy when everyone died. But I was wrong because there was one person worth saving. That’s what I did. I saved him. Then I protected him. That’s why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do. And God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way. I leave you all my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep…Gwen safe, until such time as you and she decide you’ve had enough. At that point, I recommend pairing 40 Vicodins with a nice Brunello.”

Bill

Suicide.

Bill and Frank died together. In one another’s arms. A poetic death for two people who found love in the apocalypse.

Joel had grabbed the letter from her and quietly folded it up before slipping it into his pocket. He wanted to mourn the death of his friends but now was not the time. He had a job to do, like Bill had said. He had to protect you, and Ellie. That was his sole purpose, and he would be damned if he didn’t follow through with it. “Show me your arm.” He plainly requested.

Ellie looked confused momentarily before she slowly rolled up her sleeve. The bite mark on her arm hadn’t gotten worse.

“I’ve… got a brother out in Wyoming. He’s in some kind of trouble. That’s why I needed the truck battery so desperately. I gotta go out there and find him. He used to be a Firefly, and my guess is he’ll know where some of them are out there. If that's the case, maybe he can get you to whatever lab this is.”

“Okay.”

“We’re gonna gather up on supplies and I'm going to get the truck battery charged up. I need you to bring her upstairs and get her in the shower. Can you do that for me, Ellie? There should be a box of women’s clothing in the closet. I’ll worry about gettin’ the supplies we need.”

“Shouldn’t you be taking care of her?”

Joel grinded his teeth together, clenching his jaw tightly. “She doesn’t want me takin’ care of her right now. She trusts you.” He stated it like it was the obvious.

“Okay.”

“One more thing, there’s some rules you gotta follow. Rule one, don’t bring up Tess. Ever. Matter of fact, we can just keep our histories to ourselves. Rule two, you don’t tell anyone about…your condition. They see that bite mark, they won’t think it through. They’ll just shoot you. Rule three, you do what I say when I say it. We clear?”

“Yes.” Ellie responded.

“Repeat it.” He requested.

“What you say goes.”

Joel gave the teen a small nod before he was glancing down at your position on the floor. Your knees were pulled up to your chest, and your eyes were glazed over in a dead stare. Once Joel’s heavy boots could no longer be heard along the hardwood, Ellie slowly crouched down in front of you.

“Gwen?”

Your eyes flitted over to hers in acknowledgment.

“Joel wants me to get you in the shower. Do you need help getting up?”

You shook your head before slowly pulling yourself up to your feet. You led the way upstairs, pushing back the wonderful memories you shared in this home to the deep part of your brain.

Joel was grabbing you then, grasping your hips as he pulled you flush against his chest. His hand that wasn’t holding you firmly came up to your face, gently tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “What was that about me bein’ pretty awful? I heard that correctly, didn’t I?” His tone was low, teasing.

You immediately brought your arms around his neck and threaded your fingers through his soft curls. “That was nothing, honey. I was just joking. You’re far from awful.”

Before he could steal a kiss, you were slipping out of his grasp like the little tease you were. You had a smirk spread across your lips as you leaned against the doorway. “C’mon, we’re not gonna spend all day up here okay? We’ll have all night for that Joel.” You shot him a wink before slipping past the door and headed back downstairs.

“Gwen?” Ellie was standing alongside you as you stopped in front of the guest room that you and Joel spent a lot of time together in.

“What? I’m…sorry. A lot of memories here. C’mon.” You walked further down the hall and entered a different room. Ellie could only watch as you quietly walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind you. Even after she heard the shower turn on, she sat against the closed door waiting for you.

As the water streamed down your body, washing away dirt, grime, filth, and blood from your body, more memories seeped through the cracks. Silent sobs slipped past your parted lips. You brought your hand up to your mouth to hide the sound of your cries.

He surprised you then, reaching for your hand before he helped you up from the couch gently.

“Dance with me?”

“I never thought you’d ask, cowboy.” You took his hand then as he helped you up. You were a little unsteady on your feet, while his free hand was gently splayed across your lower back as he pulled you into chest, holding you as close as he physically could. Your hearts were practically intertwined as he slowly started to sway with you. Your fingers were interlocked between his other hand while you brought your freehand to his shoulder, playing with the worn fabric of his flannel gently. He dipped his head down slightly, his forehead resting against yours. His warm brown eyes, locked on yours. You continued to slowly sway, taking in this private moment as he whispered the lyrics lowly between you. His voice was warm, inviting, deep and it settled within your bones. “I had the last waltz with you. Two lonely people together. I fell in love with you..the last waltz should last forever..”

He kissed you then. Closing the small gap between you finally. You didn’t even pull away as the record crackled as the song came to an impending end. You continued to kiss him, tasting the sweet wine on his tongue. His breath hitching, his fingers tightening along the exposed sliver of skin of your lower back. You breathed him in, letting his kiss settle deep within your soul.

You scrubbed your skin raw as the scalding water burned. You welcomed the pain without a fuss.

Ellie had stood up once she heard the water turn off and she moved away from the door when it opened. Your eyes were still bloodshot but at least you clean now.

“There should still be some hot water left. Take your time.” You walked past her, going to the closet to pull down the box of women, and men’s clothes that were stored there.

You set out fresh clothes for Ellie and grabbed a new flannel for Joel. You recognized it as Frank’s immediately. You clutched the fabric tightly to your chest, squeezing your eyes shut tightly.

Joel was busying himself in the garage. He was attaching the battery to Bill’s truck and he hoped to god the engine would run. He wiped the sweat beading along his forehead with the back of his hand. Letting out a heavy sigh as his mind drifted to the memories he shared here with his friends, and you.

“Joel, honey?..” you spoke softly through the warm breeze.

“Hmm?” He mumbled softly, blinking a few times as he tilted his head forward once more and looked at the wildflower crown between your fingers. “Oh, that’s beautiful sugar. You want me to put it on you?”

You turned your head slightly so you could look at him. “I was gonna ask if I could put it on you.”

“Oh? No baby, it’ll look beautiful on you. It’ll look silly on me.”

“No it won’t, Joel. You’ll look handsome, I promise.”

How could he really say no to you? Especially when you looked so carefree, so happy. It was just a little flower crown after all. Maybe he wouldn’t end up looking silly.

“Oh, alright. Go ahead. Lay it on me” he watched as you gently lowered the flower crown on top of his soft curls. Your smile was so soft, so beautiful.

“So, how do I look? Still ruggedly handsome?”

You nodded and brushed your fingers against his jaw gently. “No, you look beautiful Joel.”

He slammed the hood of the truck shut, cursing under his breath before he kicked at the tire with his worn boot.

You grabbed one of his hands then and brought it up to your lips, pressing a kiss to his palm before interlocking your fingers with his. “I know honey, I got you, you got me. It’s okay. Please, don’t make me beg you.”

“You got me, I got you.” He let out a puff of air against the back of your neck as he slipped his legs between yours. He let his free hand, that wasn’t grasped between your fingers, grab ahold of himself before he gently, and slowly slipped himself between your slick, warm folds.

“I love you.” you whispered quietly. You were unsure if your confession was due to all the wine you consumed. Or if it was your sober thoughts, coming out in drunk words, or a mix of both.

“I love you, always.” He whispered back, tightening his hold around your waist, smiling against your soft skin when he felt your lips brush against his knuckles.

“God fucking dammit. Fuck.” He let out a pained groan, running his fingers through his hair, gripping the tendrils tightly. It physically brought him pain knowing that you were suffering upstairs. Fuck this world. Fuck the cordyceps. Fuck it all.

Joel passed you on your way down the stairs, you wordlessly tossed the flannel in his direction. Your shoulders brushed slightly as you slipped past him. You sat outside in the familiar field of wildflowers.

It felt like hours had passed by the time Ellie had found you and told you it was time to head out. You said a silent goodbye to your friends. To Bill, Frank, and Tess as the teen helped you up from the grassy floor.

You chose to sit in the backseat of the pickup truck while Ellie took shot-gun. It was clearly Ellie’s first time in a car as she was curiously looking around. She wasn’t even sure what Joel meant by a seatbelt, till he was reaching over and buckling her in.

“It’s like a spaceship.” She spoke in wonderment.

“No, it’s like a piece of shit Chevy S10, but it’ll get us there…I think.” Joel responded, glancing back at you in the rearview mirror. He put the truck in reverse, saying a silent goodbye to Bill and Frank before driving out of the compound.

A tape in the truck started to play, “Long Long Time” by Linda Ronstadt.

You and Joel locked eyes for a fleeting moment before you both looked away.

Joel drove a few miles but as night was steadfast approaching, he found a quiet part in the forest to make camp for the night.

Ellie was fast asleep in her own sleeping bag, and you and Joel were sitting far away from one another.

Your mind had gone numb as you clutched a bottle of red wine in your grasp. A bottle of Brunello, just as Bill had suggested. You tipped the bottle to the stars shining above, thanking Bill and Frank for being in your life before you took a sip. The wine burned down your raw throat, but you appreciated the warmth that settled in your stomach.

You looked over your shoulder at Joel, who was sitting up on his sleeping bag. His back was facing you, Shoulders slumped inwards. You weren’t sure what exactly came over you, or why you suddenly were walking towards him, but it was too late to turn back.

You slowly sank down on the sleeping bag beside him. Shoulders brushing, knees touching. You were holding the bottle outstretched to him. Perhaps this was your own way of extending the olive branch. Or, you were simply seeking comfort in the only way you knew.

Joel wordlessly took the bottle from you, his fingers brushing yours. He tipped the rim of the bottle back, taking a long sip before he set it down between his knees.

“Joel.” You whispered with uncertainty laced in your tone.

“Gwen.” He croaked out.

“Please. Please make the pain go away. Please, Joel. I’m begging you.” You confessed, eyes glassy, lips trembling.

Joel inhaled a shaky breath, slowly turning his chin in your direction so he could meet your gaze. “How can I make the pain go away, my sweet girl.” he whispered.

You were reaching for the bottle between his knees, grasping it before you took another swig. You set the bottle on the side before you were grabbing his hands, interlocking your fingers together. “Please don’t make me say it.” You pleaded with him.

Joel instinctively scooted himself closer to you. You could feel his warm breath fanning your cheeks. You could feel his heartbeat thrumming in his chest. “I’ll make the pain go away. Okay baby? I’ll make it go away.” He promised you.

Your eyes fluttered shut when you felt his nose lightly brush against yours. You could taste the wine on his breath. He had given your hands a reassuring squeeze as he closed the small gap between you. This was a kiss you had never shared with him. Equally desperate, equally broken. Two people, two survivors, falling back on the one thing they knew could heal them. Joel kissed you slow, deep, tenderly. His hands had left yours only to gently cup your face in his warm palms. When he felt your tears freely fall, he gently brushed them away. “Shh. You’re okay. You’re okay Gwen. I got you. You’re safe. I’m here.” He whispered against your lips, tasting your salty tears and residue of wine on his tongue.

He slowly coaxed you into his lap, pulling the sleeping bag around both of your bodies. Concealing yourselves from the forest. His lips never left yours as he gently pushed your pants past your hips along with your panties. His own jeans were pushed past his thighs. You pushed his flannel down his arms before pulling his shirt over his head. You were both desperate for skin to skin contact. Your bodies craved to be as close as possible. Your own shirt was soon discarded as your chests were pressed flush together.

Joel’s arms were tightly wound around your body, your arms mirrored his own. You were hugging each other tightly, nails scraping against scarred skin as he slowly jutted his hips into yours. Harsh inhale, shaky exhale, breaths mingling. He fucked into you slow, deep. He pulled, you pushed. Tears streamed down your faces as you made broken love to each other. Salt mixed with saliva. Whimpers, broken moans were devoured endlessly. “I got you, you got me.” He whispered. “You got me, I got you.” You whispered back, completing your oath to one another.

You clenched, he twitched. Your bodies trembled as you came undone around each other. He stilled inside of you, holding you close as he pressed feather light kisses all over your face before he was resting his sweaty forehead against yours. Neither of you moved as he went soft inside of you. The idea of breaking the connection between your two entwined bodies was not an option. Neither of you could stomach it.

“I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I need you by my side. I can’t do this on my own. I’m incapable without you. I understand if you want to leave, and I won’t try and stop you if you do. I know I hurt you. I know I don’t deserve you, but please stay.” Joel finally spoke through the darkness. His eyes were searching yours. This was his final plea to you.

There was so much you wanted to say. It was on the tip of your tongue, teetering over the edge as your fingers threaded themselves into his sweat soaked hair.

“I’m not going anywhere, cowboy.”

Please don’t hurt me again.

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