#how to tell people you're into fps and action without saying you're into fps and action PFOFKFOFOTOTO

[aqqleshiqqing-archive]

non s.elfship related but I always wanted to share my original ocs! I created them around february of this year :3 I wanted to make something original for once and it would be a projection of many things I like/I'm inspired from

here's agent cobalt and agent ski! they're like this duo of mercenaries that goes around and does freelance "work" to probably earn something. there's no plot with them at the moment but they're just there to be the embodiment of the many things I'm inspired from :D

(the colored ones are the most recent and "final" designs)

^^ first drafts of them eheheheh ... wow my art looks kinda blegh

inspirations include; l.upin iii, mad.com, tf.2 and more recently — m.onkey w.rench c: both of them also have their own sources of inspiration (characters) but that's another can of worms for next time 🤧

[transpersian]

Hey just wanted to say sorry for how aggressive my anons were a bit ago I was having an episode and taking it out on you because I started to delusively see you as one of my past abusers because some of the things you had said reminded me of what everyone who supported them and and the things that my abusers themself have said.

I still think you're a rape apologist in actions considering you think coercion based SA and rape is funny and nonexistent but I shouldn't have actively been aggressive and having a full blown psychotic episode in your inbox.

HEY READ THIS FIRST BIG CW FOR SA AND R*** DISCUSSION

Okay, now read the ask and then continue below.

Hey, anon. I'm sorry that happened to you, genuinely. It's okay, I don't mind. It's not that uncommon to get that kind of message in here.

While you were (aggressively) telling me to publish your previous asks, now I'm going to assume that you don't want me to since they were the product of an episode. I'm still going to do my best to respond to some of your statements here.

First-off, I have to tell you that I myself am an SA survivor. The main one happened in 2020 and I haven't been able to feel safe enough to connect intimately during sex since. As a demisexual, that's a special kind of shitty.

Another more complicated sexually traumatic incident as a teenager.

There's another one my memories are kind of weird around, so I just don't touch it.

But you need to understand that I take it very seriously, anon. I do.

I'm wondering if you would be able to re-read my document and see yourself in my position. Invalidated. Brushed aside. Attacked. Pushed to begging and then reprimanded for it. Left with an indefinite break for two weeks on top of the originally requested week, with no notification. Left to watch her celebrate her birthday without me.

She talks about BPD and FPs. She was the first person I was able to trust since 2.5 years of my personal nightmare of abuse. She knew this, and she just left me hanging.

We have friends that have heard them mention letting relationships "whither" instead of actually ending things healthily and fairly for the other party. They don't fucking care. They just do what's most emotionally convenient for them.

I don't know how you read through the whole thing and just brushed it off as nothing, unless you didn't actually read it and just listened to what Poppy and Liana have been saying. Please, read it for yourself if you haven't.

If you already have, then I'd ask you to read it again without such prejudice against me. I'm not operating off of any breakup feelings. I'm operating off of the testimonies of many, many people I've spoken to about the things she's done to them.

The kind of logic that she's using to justify calling what happened to her SA is the same kind of logic people use against trans people about disclosure.

I'm not defending SA. I'm saying that I know more of the story and Poppy is lying about several things that change things drastically.

I'm not doing this because of our breakup. I'll keep saying it as much as I have to: I'm with Hela now and we're fucking adorably, happily in love together. I got over the breakup in August.

And trust me, anon. You can wish your trauma on me, but I promise you I've got more than you might think. I'm not what they're saying I am. When it comes to what I do behind the scenes, I am meticulous and thorough and work very hard to consider as many potential consequences of decisions as possible.

Where did I say anything about "norms of a relationship?" I'm being genuine, anon, I'm confused. Please send me a link to whatever you're referring to so I can understand whatever this is.

As for the risk of this, I'm not going to discuss it publicly for now beyond saying this: the risk of harm from doing it is far less than the risk of harm from not.

You don't have to believe me, but I promise you, there's more to this than I can simply convey here and I fully believe that I'm doing the right thing.

This isn't about vengeance or bitterness over some breakup. This is about protecting people.

I hope you'll give me a chance when the next drop happens, anon. Please take care.

And please, notice how being around Poppy and reading her story makes you feel, physically, in your body.

If Poppy is running a community that's meant to be a safe haven for survivors of all kinds of trauma, explicitly including CSA...

Why is she using that same community to process the extremely raw trauma of her experience?

All debate about the semantics of her situation aside, this is an extremely fucking triggering subject.

At the very least, it's extremely irresponsible and unethical.

[foxandthesoldier]

BPD is Ruining my Life

I know, what a controversial statement (jokes). Seriously though, I don’t believe people without BPD understand how exhausting it is. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder for about 2 years now, and my god, do I wish I had been diagnosed sooner. The pain this disorder has caused me is utterly unbearable at times. My therapist doesn’t like using the phrase ‘personality disorder’ because, as she says, “your personality is not a disorder, you have just been through trauma.” She prefers to refer to it as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. However you label it, it all comes down to the same: I am traumatized, and my brain doesn’t know how to function anymore. What a shit thing to say. My brain doesn’t work thanks to someone else’s actions. I’m not going to go into the circumstances that led up to my diagnosis; however, I will expand on how it has impacted my life. Mood swings, for instance. Going from wanting something to happen to not wanting it again in seconds. The constant nagging from my brain: “you're not good enough for FP (favorite person).” It gets to the point where any inconvenience I cause, I feel a need to punish myself for my actions. I always feel like my emotions are running away from me like a stream trickling through a forest of logic, casually destroying the logical shrubbery as it lasses. No mercy. There’s also the extreme overwhelmed when things pile up or don’t go as I originally planned. The amount of time’s when I’ve seen a big pile of dishes in the sink and broken down into hysterics because “that must be too much for one person to do; it’s not possible.” I’ve tried using to-do lists to keep all my chores in check, but when the list becomes 2 and a half pages long, I think it’s time to give up. I guess I should go back to bed instead. I’m very grateful I have such an understanding partner. He will see my mood shift in seconds and act on it. For instance, yesterday I remembered I had to go shopping for our dinner, but I hadn’t done the washing up yet, so there was no clean crockery to use. I was playing a game with him, and suddenly I was screaming and crying with no signs of stopping. I felt pathetic. He asked me what was wrong, so I told him my predicament. Being the guardian angel he is, he washed and wiped up for me as I led in bed, paralyzed by my emotions. It’s not even the act of doing the things I need to do, but the thought of doing them takes me down. It’s the same with having people come over to my house. My soldier lives in his barracks 80% of the time, and the other 20% is split between mine and his parents. We have applied for a pad on camp, but we can’t get that just yet, which sucks. So when he tells me he will be over on Friday, I begin to panic. Every day following that will have my brain running back and forth between two flag poles: “don’t bother coming over,” “I can’t wait to see you,” “the house is a mess, say on camp,” “where's my bedtime cuddles?” It gets to the point where he has to ignore me and come anyway because even I don’t know what I want to happen anymore. It’s the most mentally draining thing I’ve ever dealt with.

To any of my fellow BPD survivors on here, how do you cope? What strategies have you adopted to keep your zigzag brain at bay? Me, I've started journaling. Physically, here on my blog, wherever I can. Being able to write my crazy thoughts down has provided me with an escape. Words have always provided me with escapism, so why have I neglected them for so long?

Anyways, there's nothing more to report. I just needed to get my frustrations out before tomorrow when my soldier returns to camp and left me for another week, and the cycle repeats itself.

[cakelovesyoutoo]

how i overcame my issues. a letter to my former FP: thanks for breaking me.

note: out of respect for her privacy i will not be referring to my FP by name.

i hate having suspicions about someone. because when i do, they usually turn out to be true.

i will never forget your deleted tweet that you posted while we were still dating saying "sorry that you are my new obsession now". i made you do a "loyalty test", asking "does your bf like serial experiments lain?" as a way of getting you to spill your guts about the certain individual you were subtweeting about. you said "he was just a friend" and not only that but you also said that it was just a joke. i believed you at first, but time eventually confirmed my suspicions.

when our relationship ended you told me you wouldn't date ever again because you didn't want to deal with the responsibilities that come with dating. i wanted to convince you otherwise, to make you see that not everything is black and white and that we can still be something. your rejection of my offer hurt me a lot. and it took a while but in the end, i ended up accepting my new status as a friend.

i had several breakdowns before embracing the sad reality, but every time i wanted to leave the internet for some time in favor of my own mental health you kept telling me that you cared about me, that you couldn't imagine being here without me, that you'd feel bad if you made someone leave and that you wanted me to stay. i wanted you to see that i needed time to focus on my mental health, but you kept telling me to stay. and so i did, which ended in one of my worst public mental breakdowns i've had in years, in which i ended up hurting my buddy Kass for trying to help me.

now i'll be honest, i was a bit of a baby in that scenario. i do admit crying out for attention and refusing people's help, and i won't try to justify that. that was a mistake, and i corrected it by apologizing to everyone when i had to. it's good to recognize your own flaws.

anyway, now you're dating someone you just met just because he was helping you feel better about scary old me's psychotic episodes and likes the same game you like (and have likely been doing so even while we were still dating) over someone who you've known for half a year if not a year and genuinely cares about you. all you tweet about is him. you never cared about me, you never loved me, you just wanted someone who could make you feel good about yourself and when i stopped being good enough you began to plan your escape.

you rejected your art hobby, the very thing that inspired me to move forward in the art community, in favor of attention from strangers who have no emotional connection to you like i do. you used to take free requests, that's how much you loved your hobby. you even drew some artwork for my now abandoned musical project either last year or the beginning of this year. you were someone special i looked up to, and the keyword is 'were', because the last time i talked to you, it felt like i was talking to a different person. seeing you reduced to yet another girl on twitter who feeds off the attention from guys hurts worse than a stab wound to the neck.

"I wish you'd stop being mysterious to try to scare me" and "Oh fuck off" were the things you said when i tried to make you see things from my perspective. and yes, maybe my wording wasn't the best, but you completely missed the point i was trying to make with my statements and proceeded to brag about how you're happy about your decisions on your now private twitter.

maybe you think you're doing the right thing by selling me out to fulfill your selfish desires, but i've done the same before, and it didn't end well. you won't realize the consequences of your actions until they bite back and leave wounds. and when that time comes i won't be the one to treat them.

and to the guy you're dating; i don't hate you, i never did. i blocked you for my own mental health. but know that when something seems too good to be true, it's because it's a trap. you'll be hurt in the long run.

maybe you really did love me. maybe i'm the asshole here. maybe it was my "cold" personality and lack of communication that made me seem uncaring and killed our relationship. but it's all over now, and my only option is to move on.

congrats on breaking me, and thank you for doing so. otherwise i would have spent my whole life blaming myself. but now, i see the bigger picture. having lived this experience will allow me to mature, grow up, and learn from my mistakes..

to other people who have been through similar things, please know that you're not alone. the world is big, we're small, but we're all human and we all go through similar experiences. if you need someone to vent to, i can't promise that i'll be of much help but please reach out to me and i'll listen.

life gets better.

btw here's a cringe song because it perfectly encapsulates how i feel regarding this whole fiasco:

[zachsgamejournal]

PLAYING: Quake 2

I've been weaning myself off of violent video games (thank you indie games) but admittedly there is something stupidly fun about Quake 2's murder simulation. 

STORY TIME? -- Yes.

After my mother stole my penny collection to pay for gas. She overcompensated with an apology by letting buy a game. I chose Quake 2. Not sure why, but I did. But this was the PS1 version. So however graphically challenged the PC version might have been, the PS1 version was worse. And while I never beat it, nor did I find it playable after switching to Medal of Honor (PS1), I still enjoyed the time I had with it. The aesthetic and atmosphere in particular stuck with me. And that's really making this experience enjoyable now.

PRESENT DAY

After Hades pissed me off for being itself, I needed a cleanse. Something less punishing, less strategic, something that I could pick up and drop without much consideration. Right on cue, Quake 2 Remaster appears in Game Pass. Having found memories of the aesthetic I decide to give it a try. To my surprise I found myself moving pretty quickly through levels. So when I first thought this should just be a cleanse, I've now decided to commit to beating it.

While I grew up a huge fan of Mortal Kombat and any game with blood, guts, and gore--I don't like it anymore. To much time and energy is focused on how to kill people. On the one hand it's disturbing, and on the other is boring. Grand Theft Auto was great because it went beyond the murder simulation (though there was a lot of murder). You could be a taxi cab driver, put out fires, look for stunts--and the games expanded to the point now you can do yoga. Don't know why you would want to, but you can. Point is, I don't think players just wanted to kill things. That was just easy gameplay and easy satisfaction. By the early 2000s, games were starting to expand beyond their core mechanics. 

Consider Final Fantasy 7, it was filled with mini games like snow boarding, Chocobo Breeding and Racing, a Submarine combat adventure, and other things. It was as much fun to live in Final Fantasy as it was to battle large bosses. Actually, I preferred the living to battling. And as we saw more open world games appear on the market, we started to see gameplay that existed outside of just shooting. And games like Morrowind and Metal Gear Solid often offered non-violent alternatives to mission completion. For me in particular, games that limited your choices and abilities to violence were ages behind the curve, singular, and boring. 

So why is Quake 2 so much fun in 2023? Firstly, it comes from an age where game companies struggled to get basic gameplay elements working to satisfaction. Not that they sucked at their jobs, but 3D games were new and computers were weak. Today you can copy-paste FPS blue prints to Unreal Engine and you're 90% of the way there. It took a lot of work to get games to run well, look decent, and be fun. Because Q2 is so focused on the base shoot'em up gameplay, it's not overly concerned with stepping outside its wheelhouse. You run around pushing buttons until the exit opens and shoot any baddies that get in the way: simple, sweet, and fun.

Comparatively, today's shooters have to tell a story. Good, I like story, but usually their storytelling isn't competent because they're just checking a gamer expectation box, or their storytelling isn't congruent with the story. Kind of like Black and Battlefield 3. You have levels of action intercut with scenes that take place in an interrogation. there's no meaningful attempt to marry the two. Most games can be this way, but these were obvious cheats. Q2 says fuck that, there's a war and you're fighting in it. 

And because the story is light, you get two unintentional advantages that many games suffer from today: the gameplay isn't constantly interrupted to "tell story" or explain mechanics, and there's no unnecessary filler: "Oh, I guess we owe them a cut-scene here..." Explaining mechanics is important. Late 90s and early 00s it seemed every game contained a tutorial level. Usually some sort of training camp before sending you out there. Fine.  But it prevents you from playing the game, especially when mandated. Later, games included the tutorials in early levels, so while there was usually story and plot infused into the game--you were still being trained. It was clear that you were not to be unleashed until much later. It's not a bad idea, but when you're replaying the game or playing sequels and you have to be "retaught" it can be boring.

Mario Bros. for NES taught the player as they played. Through trial and error you learn what's bad and what's good. You learn the layout and rhythm of the levels. And since the game is bombarding you with cut scenes, you can immediately restart the level and get caught up. Having recently played NES's Zelda, I was overwhelmed by the difficulty but impressed with how the game allowed you to explore it and figure it out at your own pace. The harder dungeons are blocked by necessary items and since you get to keep items and money upon death, you're never truly starting over. That's how Quake 2 works. Figuring the game out is the game. Games trying to be cinematic and overly story driven are so dedicated to guiding you down the "right path" you feel out of control. I don't think this was a sincere design choice, it's just how games were made at this time. And it's fun.

So...to further explain: this game is really about exploration. The levels are interestingly designed with branching paths and secrets. You're also able to move forward and back through levels--sometimes having to perform a few objectives in one map then the other. I love exploration games and Q2 doesn't disappoint. Checking every hall, jumping on top of every box, shooting barrels and finding secrets constantly reward you with more ammo or health. And you need those to survive. The shooting, on the other hand, isn't really what the game is about. It just makes exploring the levels more interesting.

I also appreciate how simple the controls are. You move, aim, jump, and shoot. Need to open a door, walk up to it. Need to push a button, walk into. Need to activate an elevator, stand on it. It makes action buttons in more modern shooters seem superfluous. I appreciate this. It makes me think of how Sea of Thieves works so well because your player controls are simple and everything is based on context. Unlike Assassin's Creed 4, you don't need to remember a million button combinations to work the ship. Need to raise/lower the sales, walk over to the rope that controls it. I could go on, but the point is that game keeps it simple which keeps it fun and intuitive.

Also, shooting things is fun. I hate myself a little for it, but as Portal and Metroid Prime get--shooting anything for any purpose is fun, you don't have to kill stuff. In truth, shooting is fun because you get to see an immediate result: I pull a trigger, something gets hit. The feedback is immediate and rewarding. Since I was a kid, I've shot tons of windows, walls, and water--especially water. It's always fun to see how the environment responds to bullets, grenades, lasers, and whatever. It's just fun to shoot things.

I'm very much against killing.

But what's really keeping me here is the aesthetic, and a little the music. I was just getting into metal when I first started playing Quake 2. Sadly, I also got sick and was suffering from a headache. I was in denial that the guitar riffing soundtrack was at fault. Since I've routinely listened to the sound track while doing chores and suffered zero headaches, I know it's not the OST's fault. But the design is peak 90's industrial. Lots of browns and greys. It's so dreary and oppressive, but also interesting. It almost feels lived in. Anyway, I'm moving along and having fun. I even faced my first boss. We'll see if I can keep up the pace.

[fearofahumanplanet]

(CW: Ableism against pwBPD.) * This is NOT a vent. I am about to scream in rage and anger. I just met a pwBPD who was going hard on saying that pwBPD are inherently abusive especially when they split. That splitting inherently is a gateway for abusive behaviour? I am going to scream! NO IT'S NOT!! I have BPD! I can have healthy relationships with my FPs and I do! I just have an unhealthy attachment to them! That's the only unhealthy aspect of it. I know how to let them have their space, respect their boundaries, and work on my own behaviour! This is so INFURIATING!! Have you ever seen other pwBPD or other disorders you have that just spout the most ableist shit ever?? Like my goodness!! (This is NOT a vent, I'm just wondering if you experienced smth similar to me or what your insight on this situation or similar situations are. I do NOT need emotional support for this.)

Oh, boy....

Yes, I have actually met people like this. Namely, I have a roommate who claims that they think they have BPD and yet are always backing up and supporting an abusive ex when they call me a psychopath or whatever for my behaviors. I've seen other instances of internalized ableism, but I think that's the major one that sticks in my head right now.

I do believe there's a couple possible reasons for why pwBPD do this:

Of course, you have the usual dipshits who think that if they buy whatever neurotypicals or people without BPD are telling them, they'll be "accepted" as the "safe pwBPD" and... This is a rabbit hole you see some people partake in when it comes to any stigmatized group, but IT NEVER WORKS. EVER. They're never gonna find us less scary or less "wrong" just because somebody is sitting there and nodding along, "yes, I'm inherently abusive, I'm inherently monstrous", bla bla bla. It's such a disturbing behavior but it happens all the time.

There's also just... the sad fact that, especially when it comes FPs, pwBPD very much have a harder time noticing when they're being manipulated or gaslit usually. That's what's happening with my ex and my roommate right now, and everyone can see it clear as day except my roommate. When you're at a point in your life when your FP is all you have, sometimes you will go and say some pretty dumb or bad fucking things just to appease them - not caring about the collateral damage until it's far, far too late.

Then there's just all the many, many casualties of the world's cultural Christianity, for lack of a better term... even with atheists or agnostics or whatever, many of them are still clinging to old religious ideals because it's all they know, one of those being the concept that "redemption = confessing sin and tearing yourself apart for it". So I think a lot of pwBPD that do this have a lot of internalized guilt about their actions but, instead of handling it well, believe they need to "redeem" themselves and be better by policing thoughts and then it extends to "I need to do this for others too" and then... yeah.

I can't say which (if any of these) are the cause for the actions of the person you spoke to, but that was not okay on their part and all and they're just flat-out wrong. A reminder to anyone that might be happening to read this post - splitting is NOT abusive, thoughts are NOT abusive, only actions.

Sorry you had to deal with that, and it sounds like you've learned to handle your BPD symptoms in a way that is healthy for everyone involved - so keep at it :)

[go-ldy]

Hola, lmao you're right I send the Archie fixing Betty and the slow burn I hope bot being annoying I just knew that your answers will be interesting and truthful. I don't know I like the way you see the things ( am i agree a slow burn it's not a couple take to long to be together, need a constant development at this point barchie it's more a will they or won't they)+

+ I love you fanfics, I would like to stop watching Riverdale and just read it but sadly bughead caught me and I can't escape (I'm not even trying) . Okay I wanted to ask you about the blaming jughead for Betty's actions (extortion Cheryl or the serpent dance) but I felt that it was related to the corrupting Betty theme or the jughead it betty in danger with the investigations (he just wanted that she help him to change a tire not brought her to a drug business btw and in this town everybody is

+ her to a drug business btw and in this town everybody is in danger) but I know that you probably gonna have a good ☕️ about this: warning falice/bughead and the "incest"(sorry for the testament and for my English, its not my first language)

Aw, well thank you! I’m so pleased you like my fic. If only the Riverdale writers would hire me, I feel like I could help them out so much lol. And I have enjoyed answering your asks!

Regarding Betty’s extortion/blackmail of Cheryl or the Serpent dance, I truly don’t know how Jughead could be blamed for any of these things without diminishing Betty’s agency and independence. Yes, she did those things for Jughead, but who in this show has not done some morally questionable things for the people they love? No one blames Fred for Archie’s choice to take up vigilantism in his name. No one blames Jughead for Gladys taking Penny’s eye. No one blames Veronica because Archie assaulted Nick St. Clair etc. 

Personally, I am fascinated by how far Betty and Jughead would go for each other. I think it would be damn far. Betty blackmailing Cheryl to get FP out of prison was definitely a pretty morally grey choice. FP is someone who probably did deserve to be in prison for his role in covering up Jason’s murder. But you know what? I don’t think Betty will spend a day in her life regretting it. And I don’t mind that. Actually, I love my morally questionable teenage sleuth who will go to the ends of the earth to protect the man she loves. Give that shit to me lol.

Jughead definitely is not to blame for the Serpent dance either, but that particular plotline was an awkward stumble by the writers (along with Betty’s brief foray into webcamming) who, I think, wanted to portray a story of Betty trying to explore her sexuality but just... doing it poorly. I think we can assume that after Betty and Jughead reconciled in season 2, they had a very healthy sex life and Betty has been able to explore her sexuality in a safe and loving way since then. But the fact that the writers told that particular story in a fumbling, sexist way is not Jughead’s fault lol.

Jughead actually has incredible respect for Betty’s agency and abilities. I mean, he will FUCK YOU UP if you look at her the wrong way or hurt her, but he’s never considered her a damsel in distress who needs to be saved. Actually, one of my favourite underrated Bughead moments is when he and Archie have fled Riverdale in Season 3 and Archie is like “sounds like Betty needs help maybe you should go home” and Jughead just looks at him and his answer is like “Betty can look after herself, but you can’t go five minutes without getting kidnapped.” It’s a great answer. It’s true. I love Archie-in-distress. And is it later that episode where Archie does in fact get kidnapped by that farm girl and needs rescuing from Jughead? Jughead knows what his best friend is about.

And I think that dynamic is part of the tire changing scene that you’re talking about - Jughead is very much “well, Betty can protect herself and make her own choices” and Archie’s default is to be her protector. Look, I can see why some would interpret Jughead’s actions as thoughtless in that moment, but one of my favourite things about him is his high regard for her abilities.

Somewhat tangentially, if you look at what caused Bughead trouble in season 2(a), it came from both of them wanting to protect the other from their supposed darkness. Betty wanted to protect Jughead from what was going on with the Black Hood. Then Jughead wanted to protect Betty from his initiation into the Serpents. But he later tells her that he was wrong, that he should not have been trying to protect her from his “darkness,” that she can handle it. And since that moment, their relationship has been so strong. It’s wonderful. Except for 4x17. But let’s not talk about that. 

As for Falice and Bughead (or bugcest as I once received in an ask from an anon), I don’t actually have a lot to say? Is it weird that Betty and Jughead share a brother? Yeah. But they are not biologically related in any way, they did not grow up together as siblings, and Charles came into their lives a few years after they had been together. Neither they nor anyone else on the show ever treated Charles’ existence as some kind of obstacle to their relationship so.... like, why does fandom? If Bughead aren’t concerned by it then why should we be.

That being said, it is not exactly peak parenting that Alice and FP decided to just hop into things together without having a single conversation with their kids about it first. Alice and FP have not been good parents over the years. At times, they have been truly terrible parents. And they both know their kids have found something wonderful and loving and stable with each other and... like, maybe they should have thought about that before getting together? At least had it give them pause? At least talk to their kids to see how they feel? But no. They did not do any of those things. 

That said, @thatiranianphantom‘s One Big Happy Smith-Jones-Cooper Family series of fics is a sheer joy and a light in my life.