#how was I to know An Elf and an Orc Had a Little Baby was gonna come out like... a few days later?

[electoons]

giving my ldb a daughter. embarrassing for all involved. mostly me

[snackugaki]

i swear to fuck i know how to draw shit that isn't turtles who are mutants and also ninja who live in the sewers of new york city

don't... don't fucking look at my backlog that's just more turtle fanart shitposts—  dontlookatme

[talesfrommedinastation]

My Redneck Neighbor Doug has watched The Bad Batch Season 3 opener:

LEEEEET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

This is more pithy than normal: Doug's been busy with work, as have I. But I'm determined to hear his thoughts on The Daddy Warcrimes 'n Company so here we go!

These were all via text messages, btw.

CW: Doug Doug's as you know Doug will do. Away!

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Episode 1: 'Little Orphan Blondie's Shit Internship at The Museum of Science and Industry'

Poor Little Orphan Blondie, stuck in The Museum of Science and Industry in a shit summer job because they got bills to pay. Except they got rid of the dinosaurs and walk in heart and filled it with gross shit.

Hey look, they still got the coal mine exhibit! Man I miss Chicago.

(Doug, that museum has never had dinosaurs. “What, since when?”)

MUTANT JIMMERS EVERYWHERE! Aw, Little Orphan Blondie gave one her chicken nuggets! And it’s shy, aw, I hope it’s okay.

Poor Mutant Jimmers…she named her?! Swear to Christ Almighty if that dog gets Old Yeller’d I’ll just lose it. 

That freaky alien thing that ran the mall on the ocean looks sad, I bet she wishes she fell into the water and got eaten by a shark or something. I wish you did too, lady. 

The Sons of Robocop really are everywhere, they must be a cult or something. They look cool, I’d join, why not. Think they get 401ks?

Oh man, Daddy Warcrimes is down bad. Poor Daddy Warcrimes. Man, all my clone boys are stooped and sad…this ain’t good. 

At least Little Orphan Blondie can craft! Man, she should start selling those at the Museum of Science and Industry’s gift shop. Maybe Tarkin can bring one back for the grandchildren he’s not allowed to talk to since the restraining order was put in.

Oh, there’s Stepsister Beth, she seems on edge. Must’ve gotten divorced recently, don’t blame her ex, I bet she screamed at him for leaving cabinets open who knows. How do her eyeballs not hurt after wearing those dumb glasses all day?

Episode 2: 'Night Elves and Neverland Ranch'

The night elves from Warcraft invaded Star Wars and got horns or something and now they have a castle that looks like a boss level in Diablo IV or V or how many Diablo games they got now.

Now they yelling at people and throwing them in the basement today. Makes sense, gotta fight the orcs and stuff. Think they fight the orcs in the basement?

The Night Elf Horned Queen hired Daddy Rambo and Julio to get people, I guess they’re turning into Boba Fett or something. They got her son's horn back, guess that's good. Oh they need new paint jobs on their armor.

Do they end up in the basement in the Diablo Boss Level? No? And off they go! 

Daddy Rambo and Julio are in their homeland of FLORIDA! Hell yeah, SPACE FLORIDA! And they’re bringing the talking trashcan with them using straps! Go Julio go!  Yeah, boa vines, this is TOTALLY the Everglades! 

Escaped clone boys! Oh man! Shit, is Neverland Ranch in the jungle? Oh man–oh, they know what they’re doing. Good kids. Real good kids. Oh what happened to the rest of them? Oh Meat Muffin, this ain't good :(.

You know what? Them clone boys are smart, take it back, this ain’t Space Florida, this is Space Louisiana! Them baby boys gone get feral and run off into the bayou and live in the caves and now you know my origin story, Meat Muffin! 

If this was Florida they'd just end up working the late shift at Zaxby's and smoking rocks in the parking lot. We know better, we French and all.

I bet they’ve been living on nutria and half-empty chicken boxes from behind the gas stations. Resourceful scrappy kids and I can tell its making Daddy Rambo proud.

Oh holy SHIT, there go them vines! It's like the kudzu all over again, maybe this is LaFourche Parish?

See, them boys are definitely white trash, Mandalorian rednecks. Look at em, living in the woods and hijacking a plane, but they good kids, saving their brothers. Even saved the robot too. 

Man, all the feels, them poor little boys. What will they do now?  Oh, they're going to Space Daytona! Good, wait, I saw the trailer, doesn't the Empire invade it? THIS AIN'T GOOD MEAT MUFFIN!!!

Wait...where's Toaster Strudel and Rex?

Episode 3: 'Blondie Got a Gun'

Well here's the Emperor. He wants to be immortal. Gotta make that other movie make sense or something.

Where's Darth Vader? Is he running the government when the Emperor is running around giggling?

Don’t you DARE kill Mutant Jimmers, you damn droid. I hate that ugly assed stupid thing. It looks like its scarecrow daddy fucked a microwave and then left it enough money to go to Planned Parenthood but instead spent it on crack and there ya go.  

Oh shut your goddamned yap, Jimmy the Scientist. I bet he gloves that hand up because he keeps shoving it up his own ass and that's why he walks funny all the damn time.

The Emperor also has a Diablo IV or VIII boss level all to himself too at the Museum of Science and Industry. How many Diablo games are there, Meat Muffin?

YEAH, LITTLE ORPHAN BLONDIE! GIT ER DONE!!! They're out! Oh wow! There she goes with Daddy Warcrimes! Kill em all and let GOD SORT THEM OUT! That's my GIRL!!!!

Blondie’s got a gun 

Blondie’s got a gun

Her whole world's come undone

Shooting droids is FUN!

GO MUTANT JIMMERS GO!!!! 

YEAH BLONDIE DADDY WARCRIMES AND MUTANT JIMMERS!!!!!!

I AIN'T A BULLS FAN BUT REPEAT THE THREE PEAT! YEAH!!!!!!

....so when we gonna get Toaster Strudel and Rex? Next one? Where's my reg boys?!

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Tagging those who missed my Cajun neighbor. LOOKS LIKE REDNECK DOUG IS BACK ON THE MENU, BOYS!

@skellymom @amalthiaph @eyecandyeoz @cdblake1565 @sued134 @merkitty49 @supremechancellorrex @yeehawgeek @wrenkenstein @techs-stitches @deezlees @autistic-artistech @perfectlywingedcrusade @auntie-venom @megmca @thecoffeelorian

[ailendolin]

Live Reaction to TRoP 2x01

Spoilers for 2x01 under the cut

the way I shouted, "Go Adar!" at my screen when he flipped the crown over

Sauron in his Caesar era

Sauron exploding and turning everything into ice was so cool

I love Adar so much. There has always been something so inherently tragic to the Orcs because of the corrupted / tortured elves angle and I love that we get to see that in the show

lol Sauron noping out of Forodwaith as black blood / goo

oh no, cute rat. I just know something bad is going to happen to it

yep, there it goes. Fuck you, Sauron. That rat did nothing to you

and neither did the centipede

Sauron eating himself one animal at a time out of that cavern

that black gooey body of his is giving me Studio Ghibli vibes

him sliding down that slope is so funny. He's like a polar bear coming out of hibernation. One very ugly polar bear

that poor woman. But at least the horse got away

hello Halbrand! Long time no see. He must be so happy to finally be able to walk again after crawling around Middle-Earth for Eru knows how long

the fish monster is back, yay

aw and Sauron's having nightmares. Poor baby

"choosing to be good" didn't last that long, did it?

ELROND! There he is! My sweet summer child, beating Galadriel in the race to Lindon. I'm so proud

Galadriel, sweetie, I like you but for Eru's sake, tell someone that Halbrand is Sauron. Please.

Ah, she does. Thank you. But fair form? Really? Have you seen Halbrand? He's a sopping bit of rag (to quote Mary from Ghosts)

"Gaaaaah!" - Gil-galad, I love you. That reaction was so relatable

"No, Galadriel, you were blind." Lol

Not Galadriel talking to Elrond about failure. My boy did everything he could while she was hanging out with Sauron

I can actually see both Elrond and Gil-galad's points in the ring discussion but as a cautious person myself I'm taking Elrond's side here

love the moment when Gil-galad steps forward and places himself in front of Galadriel - a visual reminder that it's now him and Galadriel vs Elrond

I knew Elrond was going to jump but damn, that scene is still painful to watch. He's just trying to do what's right and is now completely alone in the world

ah, Sauron's back to fuck things up for Adar. Of course he is

Nori and the Stranger <3

haha love Nori being the little devil on the Stranger's shoulder and having him wrapped around her little finger

love Nori's glee when her plan works. Nothing makes a hobbit / harfoot happier than food

aw Nori, we miss Poppy too

oh the chihuahua warg is back as well. Maybe it can be Sauron's new friend now that Galadriel has spurned him

I was joking but yay, Sauron has a pet now. His break up is going well

MITHLOND! AAAAAAH!

And Elrond is so not okay but I am very distracted by that flash of collarbone and I am not even sorry

I'm glad Gil-galad is remembering to warn Celebrimbor

aw that little smile on Elrond's face when Cirdan calls Celebrimbor remarkable

and oh, that vulnerable look at, "You do your father proud." I can't

and I can't believe Elrond's the only one considering all possibilities here - that the rings might not be corrupted, yes, but perhaps Galadriel is (also Halbrand touched at least the Mithril - who's to say he didn't do anything to it when he did?)

POPPY! Poppy is back! Aaaah I'm so happy!

oh my heart, the music of the walking song in the background

noooo not Sauron saying he's the friend of the elves and implying Sauron's with them. This is going to lead Adar to attacking Eregion, is it not?

oooooh clever, Sauron. Very clever. "I vow to serve the lord of Mordor."

lol that shit-eating grin on his face when his pet warg wreaks havoc

oh Gil-galad's song. My heart. I can't. This is so beautiful

oh fuck I'm having a Figwit moment. Who is that pretty elf whose shirt is conveniently open below the collar? Because I am looking respectfully and am not okay

Cirdan to the rescue and ouch, Elrond's look of betrayal. The step he takes back in fear

The TRoP Elven rings are still ugly but if I had to choose one, I'd still take Vilya. Always have, always will

I'm so sad Celebrimbor isn't there to see the tree healing

and that Elrond cannot even enjoy the moment because he knows the danger is still there and cannot ignore that

"Do we grant him entry?" Do you? Will you? Has Gil-galad's warning arrived or has it not? I'm off to episode 2 now.

[pretty-batty]

Would you like to come back?

Eddie x Original Female Character Pt 2 of Eldath's Priestess 2406 words

No warnings. Tags: Dungeons and Dragons, table top gameplay, flashback usage marked by =, slight angst, Jewish oc, family dynamics. Now on ao3 No beta this time. We ride like the Rohirrim in the Battle of the Pelennor.

Summary: Judy gets reacquainted with her favorite troupe of misfits, and the newest members.

Notes: Not canon compliant, alternate history of Hellfire, semi-accurate portrayal of Dungeons and Dragons. hint of Eddie the Simp.

Judy was buzzing with excitement, tossing her dice bag into her purse. She had gotten the call from Fred Emerson, the Dungeon Master of Hawkins legend, immediately asking her if she would “join in the newest crusade against the Shadow Lord”. She had never accepted an offer to quickly in her life.

The handmade drawstring bag kept her pencil case company as she went to her suitcase and pulled out her binder, cracking it open. From the corner pocket, she saw her old character sheet.

Feyanim Hellarad       Half-Elf Cleric            Lvl- 14- High Priestess          Lawful Good

From banished princess to priestess of Eldath, yearning for adventure far from the cloister and the crown.

Her memory played vignettes of her times as Nim, starting with her older brother, introducing her to the game on her twelfth birthday.

“A princess? Are you sure?” he had asked.

Little Judy nodded at her desk, “yeah! But she has a heart of gold. Forced into the cloister by her mother, the queen, and her jealous stepfather, the king.”

“Is she illegitimate?”

“I think so. That would add…” She paused, searching for the word.

“Angst.”

“Yeah…angst.”

Judy’s eyes shot to her bedside clock. 3:45. Fifteen minutes to get to Scott’s place, pick him up, and drive to Fred Emmerson’s place for the game. After a year without playing, in Pittsburgh where her brother’s body lay buried, she was itching for the game to continue. Her old group, her old comrades. She finally exited her front door.

                                                            =

Her brother, the dungeon master, introduced her to the group the first Friday of freshman year, Eddie in tow. His hair was longer than when she had last seen him. She had hoped he would grow it out.

The newest members of Hellfire club, the trailer park metalhead and the nepo-baby.

Her stomach was in knots. Where were the other girls?

Before she could open her mouth, Eddie took a step forward, his voice booming throughout the stage. “I am Edward the Stalwart, half-orc fighter, prepared to cast off the bonds of the past through my unquenchable thirst of adventure.”

“And how do we know you, young Edward, have the grit to join the band of fearless warriors who sit before you?” Joey asked, theatrically gesturing to the other men at the table.

To be honest, she had tuned out Eddie’s answer, too paranoid about her own.

Their gazes turned to her now. “I…am Feyanim Hellarad, half-elf cleric.” She cleared her throat, feeling a push of energy, “from banished princess to priestess of Eldath, I yearn for adventure beyond the cloister and the crown.”

The table was quiet. She looked at Eddie, whose sweet brown eyes gave her the encouragement she needed.

“And what makes you, dear princess, fit for adventure as a priestess of the most peaceful of Gods?” Her brother asked, no longer the Joey she was used to, but the DM, omniscient voice of the world she wished to join.

The question stumped her. It was a good question. Why would she venture from Eldath’s still waters to join this rowdy band of fools?

She heard two of the older boys make a comment, leading to a chuckle, which turned into a laugh. A ginger boy, bespectacled and haughty, called over to Joey. “Listen, man. We get that she’s your sister and all, but is she really ready for advanced Dungeons and Dragons?”

Judy’s lips pursed in irritation. Staring down the table, she took a step further, placing her foot on what she planned to be her chair, puffing her chest out. “I am already a priestess, skilled in the healing arts. And by all that is holy, I will ensure your survival. Something tells me you lack a healer in this party. If I may be frank, this party lacks any sense at all.”

“Then welcome, Princess Hellarad, to Hellfire.” Joey placed a hand on her shoulder, whispering with pride, “good job.”

She sat down, beside the boy who had talked down to her, and across from the boy she had known for years. Judy and Eddie’s eyes met, excited to be joining the first campaign of the year. They reached across and grasped each other’s hands, uncertain of why. Was it a shake of mutual friendship? Or did she just want to touch him, like she always had, and he finally wanted the same?

Before the winter break, Joey had planned first boss fight, a paladin oathbreaker and his undead horde was prepared to slaughter the party. He took his job as DM very seriously, carefully considering all player’s strengths and weaknesses, deciding what path he wanted them to go down. He was more narrative focused, though his battles were just as intense.

“What is your action, princess?”

“There is still time we can make it.” Shouted Marty.

Eddie sucked in a breath, “I’m already down. We can’t last much longer.”

“Your action princess.” Joey insisted.

Judy looked at Eddie, who gave her a nod. He was on board. The others were either prone, dying, or occupied by the undead horde. She looked at the rogue, Andreas the Swift, who had yet to reveal himself. He gave her a nod.

“Does he see me?”

“In his fury he has paid no mind to you.”

“Then I get advantage.” Judy gritted her teeth, “I cast command,” rattling her first d20 and sending it to the table, 14, with her modifier it still wouldn’t hit. The next d20 followed with her call, 19, with her wisdom modifier that would be a twenty-three.

Her brother cracked a smile, an evil smile. She felt her heart sink before her brother froze, as if struck by lightning. “What is your command?” He bellowed.

From the far end of the table, her finger extended, and she cried out, “grovel!”

“Yes…” Her brother slammed his hands on the table along with his face, to make it seem as though he threw himself down, “my la..dy…”

Knowing it was his turn, the halfling assassin played his held action and backstabbed the prone paladin oathbreaker, with advantage, and all his proficiencies, doing heavy damage. Judy’s command turned the tide. That and her brother’s two very unfortunate rolls.

                                                            =

Summer rains were Judy’s least favorite. The droplets themselves, warmed by the atmosphere, felt like stones against her skin. Fat rain, heavy rain. Also, the humidity made her hair both expand an extra half an inch in width and cling to any piece of skin it touched. A hot, wet, sweaty mess.

She slid quickly into her 1970 Volkswagen beetle, closing the door behind her. There was her cleric figurine, mounted with a rolled slip of duct tape, and sitting beside her was an armor-clad half-orc, her lover’s paladin. Gifted to her before she left for Pittsburgh by Eddie Munson, the presiding Dungeon Master of the Hawkins High School Hellfire Club.

“I won’t need him anymore. Besides, I don’t think I could bring myself to separate the princess from her paladin.” He took her hand and enfolded his figurine in her palm, “as sadistic of a DM I might be, I would never.”

Judy’s lips fought back a frown, “I’m sorry. I just can’t stay here and wait…”

“I know,” he released her hand to caress her face, bringing her lips to his in a gentle kiss. “You’re still my girl, however far you go.” Another kiss, this time on the bridge of her nose. A journey up to her face that he had taken many times before, a path he adored. “And when I graduate this year,” his lips rested on her forehead, his nose nestling in her hair, “I will get in my van and come to you.”

“Class of eighty-six.” She smiled.

She started her trusty steed, twisting the key in the ignition and listening to the turnover. Knocking it into reverse, flicking on the windshield wipers, she looked over her shoulder to pull out smoothly from the driveway.

“Eighty-six, baby.” Eddie’s voice echoed once again though Judy’s ears, as the phantom kiss still warmed her skin. She never should have left, never should have watched him shrink away as she drove further from her home. Her eyes graced back as if he was still standing there. Nothing.

The citizens and military personnel had entered a regular routine, the belching crags that divided the town into fourths became as normal as creeks and cliffs. Judy’s practice of Pittsburgh navigation took a backseat to the slow and cautious pace of post-earthquake Hawkins. None of her destinations were severed by a crack. First, five minutes away, was Scott Clark, another teacher. He had started the year after Judy entered high school, taking over for Emma Magil for 8th grade science.

Their journey went off without any conflict. Judy had asked him about his fiancée. Scott had asked her how her mother was doing. Neither really dug into the unspoken sorrow in the air. She parked her beetle in the street, as the driveway was already full of cars. The two got out and joined in the festivities within.

The kitchen and the dining room were separated by a countertop, upon which was a lineup of various snacks. A veggie tray, some cheese and crackers, tiny sausages on toothpicks, mini ham and cheese sandwiches.

God bless you, Sheryl. Judy thought.

Fred had married Sheryl Kaufmann when Gareth was in middle school. Joey would drag Judy to these grownup games at the Emerson house. She’d sit with Gareth as he kicked rocks in the driveway. Sheryl would come out with snacks, and he’d grumble a forced ‘thank you’.

That woman tried so hard. She didn’t make him call her mom. No pushing boundaries, forcing herself to be liked by her stepson. But she still tried. And even when Gareth warmed up to her, called her ‘Cher-bear’ when she called him ‘Gare-bear’, told her he loved her too, she still felt the need to prove herself. She wanted him to have a good home, a place to feel safe and happy.

In the end, they all loved Sheryl.

“Celery’s gross.” Gareth said, staring blankly at the veggie.

“You don’t have to eat it.” Said Sheryl as she floated through the kitchen.

“Not to everyone,” Dustin reached his hand past the upper classman’s gaze, fishing out three sticks of green and placing them on his plate.

“I don’t know, Henderson.” Judy rattled her d20s in her hand, releasing them on the table. “Celery is just bitter and stringy.” She sighed at her results, “Guess purple and red are going to dice jail.” The dice clattered in her brother’s old ashtray. “Bummer, these were his.”

“Whose?” Will asked, sliding next to her at the table.

“My late brother, he was the DM of Hellfire before Eddie.” She answered, rolling the final two dice, “nine-teen and twelve, guess I’m using these.”

Will sat awkwardly, taking a moment to salvage the situation. “I didn’t realize Hellfire was so old.”

“Oh yeah, it started as an offshoot of the chess club.” Judy popped a tiny sausage into her mouth, half her mouth chewing as the other half continued, “My brother was a sophomore. Fred was the teacher who signed off on it. Seventy-eight, I think. I came in two years later and somehow these guys had already set up their boys’ club.”

Andrew dropped his bag on the table, sitting on the opposite side of Judy. “And how is our beloved nepo-baby? Still squeezing into places she might not be wanted?” Setting his cane down between them, he slumped into the hardwood chair.

“God, you are such a dick. I saved your lives how many times in my four years as your resident cleric?”

“None of that matters now, your eminence.” A voice bellowed.

Dressed in his Renaissance best, Fred Emrerson slowly made his way down the stairs to the dining room, the wood creaking below his weight. His graying auburn hair tucked under his feathered flat cap. “Such a high ranking Eldathyn priestess should do well not to dwell on lives owed.”

“Wait…Eldath?” Dustin slid beside Will, “what’s your name again?”

“Uh..Nim Hellara-”

“No, your actual name.”

“It’s Judy.”

“No. Actually, Hebrew name.” He insisted.

“Who says I have a Hebrew name?”

“You’re a Jew, of course you have one.” The table let out a chorus of sniffs in amusement. Dustin was always frank, seeing no point in sugarcoating and beating around any proverbial bushes.

Judy nodded; lips pressed in a thin line. “Yudit-Miriam after my great-grandmother.”

The young teenager smiled, as if the pieces of an ongoing puzzle fit into place. “Huh.”

Once Fred reached his chair at the end of the dining room table, the game began.

The tavern was busier than usual, the cloud giants had occupied a nearby summer palace. And with unusual activity and monsters to be slain, comes many an adventurer hoping to increase their renown, or their coffers.

Judy worried Nim would struggle to fit in, but with Andreas the Swift by her side, she was quickly welcomed into the party.

“Nimmy,” he asked, “what’s that thing you used to do? That poem?”

“The limericks?” She clarified. They nodded and Judy took a sip of her lemon-lime pop. She began.

“There was once a woman from Wheeling, who had a particular feeling. She laid on her back, tickled her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.”

It got a laugh. But her eyes fell once more to Dustin as his gaze burned into the side of her head.

The younger players were at a lower level compared to the others, and Fred had planned accordingly. But Andrew, Scott, and Judy pulled most of the weight, Gareth and Jeff were auxiliary. But Fred was a kinder DM compared to Eddie. He never liked to punish his players, and only wished for a good story and plenty of laughs. The younger players: Dustin, Will, Mike, Lucas, and Erica, were uneasy and borderline paranoid. No doubt traumatized by Eddie or the tales of him.

“Perception check on the door.” Erica rattled the dice, “not gonna let you take me out because of some trap.”

Fred was ready to tell her it was ‘just a door’, but he let her roll anyway. And even with her nat16 and the modifier, she still refused to believe it wasn’t rigged with a trap.

Judy’s character stepped forward, holding her shield up in front of Erica. “Okay, if something happens, you won’t get hit.” The lock was picked, door opened to the next room. No bomb, no spikes, no danger, just a door.

“A valid fear, my lady.” Scott’s druid reassured Erica, “the Gods can be cruel.”

Judy leaned in and whispered to her, “Fred doesn’t run games like Eddie. The worst thing he tried to do was the Tomb of Horrors. A tenth of the way through, he scrapped it. The only time I heard him use the ‘just a dream’ cliché.”

��“I read that module after that session, and it is so asinine. And the captured nymph thing was so creepy.” Andrew Grumbled.

They continued through the maze of corridors, an entire world inside the walls of the small palace, occupied by a very uncomfortable cloud giant.

Through a spell of marching teapots and a well-placed howl from a dark corner, the group managed to rid the small castle of the cloud giant squatter. The fact of the matter is, not all D&D sessions are climactic battles or salacious dramas. Sometimes, it’s just pretending to be ghosts to scare away a cloud giant because he’s too high level and no one wants to die.

Once the session was over, Fred offered to give Scott a ride if he agreed to stay for a few more beers. Judy had her own belongings packed. While she had enjoyed herself for the first time in recent memory, the ache in her chest refused to abate. It wasn’t the same without her paladin.

The air draped over the trees, the smoke from the cracks caught beneath the thick layer of moisture. It stuck to her skin, her hands becoming clammy with each swipe across her shorts. She just wanted to get home.

Dustin stopped her before she got to her car.

“You’re Yudit Mountain Song.”

“Yudit Mountain Song?”

“Yeah,” Dustin opened Eddie’s binder of character sheets, messily flipping through the pages. Judy watched the many NPCs fly by, familiar faces and strangers alike, until she finally saw it. Her face. “She’s a reoccurring character, a half-elf bard who gave us some excellent quests and much needed rescues. Even gave my character her harp, lets me have an extra bardic inspiration slot after a long rest.” He excitedly handed the binder off to Judy.

She gazed at her own face, her own body. He had given her some additions, fantasy length hair and a lyre. Her lips parted in song. Eddie had made her a singer.

“I knew you looked familiar.” Dustin continued. “At first, I thought it was a coincidence, but then you said that dirty limerick and I remembered Eddie saying that exact joke when introducing her before the Vecna storyline.”

Judy flipped through the character sheets until reaching the back. Eddie had made one for Kas, altering little traits to mirror himself.

“Pretty sure Yudit and Kas used to connect, before his sword made him all…evil.”

“Maybe I was the blade and not the bard, slowly pulling him to the darkness, seducing him with power.” She smiled, “or maybeeee I was both.” Judy closed the binder, handing it back to Dustin. “I’m sure we’ll never know.”

Thank you for reading! This is a passion project of mine, and it means a lot that you are taking time out of your life to read this. Next chapter very soon...like tomorrow maybe. tag list: @voyeurmunson

[sofjoy82]

I’ve been wanting to make a snippet for @stormcallart Elf Izuku and Orc Toshi AU for a while now. I added my own little ✨spice✨ with some plot explaining how Toshi got a baby elf.

~~~

It wasn’t unusual for the tavern to be filled with interesting patrons throughout the night. Particularly towards the end of the day when the weary traveler stopped for a drink.

Kurogiri knew not to ask where anyone was going, who they were, or what their business was. Everyone had their own story and either he didn’t care to know or he wasn’t supposed to know.

The tavern was popular amongst thieves and travelers for that reason. People could come and not have to worry about questions or the law. In this tavern they were just men and women grabbing a drink, gambling, or talking.

Kurogiri was putting some coins away when he saw the door open in the corner of his eye. A large man stepped into the tavern and held the door open for someone behind him before closing the door and walking over to the bar. The bartender looked up at his patron and greeted him when he sat down with a grunt.

It was an orc. A rather large one at that. Orcs were regarded as a rather violent race of creature and this man was covered in scars from old battles. His hair was bone white and styled into two large bangs. He set his axe down and leaned it against the bar before settling down.

Kurogiri nodded to the man and took out a glass for him. “Afternoon, Sir. Is there anything I can get you?”

The orc had been looking to the side at something and looked back up at Kurogiri when he was spoken to. “An ale,” He said gruffly, reaching into his pouch and pulling out a few coins. He placed them onto the bar and nodded to the chair beside him. “And a milk for my companion. If you have it I’d also like a pen and paper for him.”

Kurogiri hadn’t noticed until that moment that the orc wasn’t alone.

The bartender leaned over the counter slightly to look down at his other patron, a small elven boy. He had to be three or four summers old. His pointed ears and forest green hair were indicators of his elvish heritage. A mass of freckles splattered his face and two big green eyes peered up at Kurogiri.

The boy smiled and waved at Kurogiri before attempted to crawl up into the bar stool. The orc watched him struggle for a moment before reaching down and plopping him down in the chair beside him. The boy beamed as the orc fixed the flower crown in his hair.

Kurogiri swiped the coins into his pouch before fetching the order. The orc nodded his head in thanks when he was handed his ale and the little boy happily thanked the bartender when handed his milk and paper.

The orc waited until his ward was happily doodling away on his paper before holding up a hand and calling the bartender back over. Kurogiri walked back and saw the orc had a laid out a wanted poster.

“Has this man come through here?” The orc questioned, tapping on the sketch on the paper. Kurogiri only glanced at the sign before shaking his head in denial. “I don’t remember any of my customers, much less who comes and goes.” He said automatically.

You don’t sell out clients. As long as they paid their tab Kurogiri had no issue with who or what they were. People wouldn’t want to come to his tavern if they found he was selling them out.

The orc studied him for a moment before shrugging and taking a sip of his ale and calmly explaining his reasoning.

“I’m trying to find this little one his mother.” He nodded to the boy beside him, who wasn’t really listening to the adults. “Inko was my friend and Izuku’s mother. I believe this man took her. He left the kid in the house and I’ve been caring for him since. If I find him I can figure out what happened to her.”

Toshinori read the silence of the bartender and took out the poster again. This time Kurogiri took it wordlessly.

“His name is Hisashi Shigraki, but people know him as All For One.” Toshinori added, watching the other man study the poster.

“I don’t know him personally, but I know of him.” He lowered his voice, watching the other patrons carefully to ensure no one was eavesdropping. “He’s known as the demon king. A king of thieves and criminals. I don’t know what he wants with your friend, but if you find the right person they’ll be able to take you to him. I’d bet someone here may know.”

With that, Kurogiri handed the poster back and walked away to attend to other patrons around the bar. Toshinori sighed and took another swig of his ale.

It had been months since Inko disappeared. They grew up together as children. Toshinori admired her for her kindness and gentle beauty. He had been horrified when Izuku came to his home in the middle of the night, crying that someone took his mama. Since then Toshinori had been asking around and following leads to try and find the woman. He used his connections as a bounty hunter to get here.

Toshinori could feel Izukus eyes on him and glanced at the boy. Izuku was looking up at him with a hopeful expression.

“Are you trying to find mama?” He asked hopefully. It had been close to a year since Mr Toshi took him in. They had been going on adventures together and catching bad guys, all while looking for his mama.

Izuku wanted to feel mamas warm hugs again. See her smile, hear her laugh, and play with her. He hoped secretly that she’d make Toshi his new dad. Then they could be a family who went on adventures together!

A gentle hand ruffled Izukus hair, making the boy smile softly and lean into the touch. “We’ll get her back.” Toshinori promised. He had been promising himself that since the beginning. He’d find Inko and bring her home.

The orc quickly changed the subject to something more positive and pointed at the picture Izuku had drawn. “What’s this?” He questioned, taking the paper and holding it up to study. Izuku smiled and pointed at each of the figures. “Its us!” He explained proudly. “You, me, and mama.”

Toshinori felt his heart soften at the picture. It was a little family portrait. They were all smiling in a field of flowers and happy. It sometimes amazed him how Izuku managed to see such a bright and happy future at all times. Perhaps it was childish wonder and innocence or the darkness the orc had seen, but he truly hoped it never left his boy.

The tender little moment was interrupted when a heavy hand fell on Toshinoris shoulder. “I heard you’re looking for trouble.” A gruff voice began. The orc stiffened and quickly turned in his chair to face the speaker.

A large man with blond hair smirked down at Toshinori. Izuku winced when he saw one of his eyes was scared over and gone, replaced with a glass orb. Toshinori recognized him as Gato, although many people knew him as the rather violent bandit Muscular.

Toshinori spoke firmly, not allowing himself to let his guard down around the criminal. “I’m not looking for trouble. Just here for a drink with my son.”

The blond sneered at Toshinori. “Because I heard you were looking for the demon king. That sounds like trouble.”

It was at that moment that Toshinori noticed several other men in the tavern watching them. Four of them sat in the back of the tavern, drinking as they watched the confrontation. The hairs on the back of Yagis neck stood on end as he realized they were waiting for him.

Toshinori narrowed his eyes and let his hand fall to his belt where his knife rested in its sheath. Izuku was looking at the adults around him with wide eyes. “It’s not a problem unless we make it one. As I said, I’m enjoying a nice evening with my son.”

It quickly became clear that this man wasn’t going to stop bothering Toshinori. The orc stood and tried to grab Izuku to carry him out, but at that moment Gato lashed out with a wicked laugh and lunged at the orc.

Izuku squeaked and jumped in his chair when his caretaker reacted in an instant, grabbing the other man by the wrist and back of the neck and yanking him forward, slamming him into the bar counter. The force knocked several glasses off the counter to the floor where they shattered. Gato yelled in surprise and pain and quickly tried to wrench himself out of the orcs grip.

Toshinori held the writhing man down for another moment before letting him go and allowing him to scramble back. Gato looked surprise at being taken on like that. Toshinori had a calm expression on his face as he reached over and picked up Izuku and placed him onto the bar. He made eye contact with Kurogiri and set down a couple of coins.

“Give him a milk, please. This’ll only take a minute.”

Izuku sat on the counter with a cold glass of milk as he watched his adoptive father fight with the big scary man. He sipped on his milk calmly and followed the fight as Toshinori delivered blow after blow to Gato. Soon the other thieves joined in an attempt to defend their friend, but quickly realized fighting a massive orc after several ales was by far not a good idea.

Kurogiri stood beside Izuku and cleaned a glass as he watched the fight unfold. He noted the calm demeanor of the child and hummed. “Does this happen a lot?” He questioned.

Izuku nodded and took a sip of his milk. “A lot.”

In the end Toshinori dropped the last bandit on the floor and watched with a dark look as the man scurried away in fear. Now that that was handled, he zeroed in on Muscular who was tending to a broken nose. His excitement over the fight seemed to have waned as he realized they hadn’t even landed a blow on the orc.

Toshinori walked over to Gato and yanked him up by the front of his shirt, peeling him off of the floor. “Where is All For One?” He demanded harshly.

Gato smiled up at him, showing a gap where a tooth had been just a moment ago, and let out a laugh of disbelief. “I guess you earned it, big guy. All For One will be able to take care of you. He has a small outpost down the river. He’ll kill you, I hope you know that.”

Toshinori studied him for a moment before reaching down and grabbing the coin pouch at Gatos belt. The thief’s eyes widened as the pouch was tossed over to the bar. Kurogiri gave a nod of thanks and accepted the payment without a word.

Gato was dropped like a doll and ignored as Toshinori walked over to his boy. He took Izukus drawing and carefully rolled it up and stowed it in his bag before lifting the elf into his arms. He raised a questioning brow when he saw Izuku had a whole bottle of milk in his arms.

Izuku smiled at his papa and happily held up the gift from Mr Kurogiri. “Can we come back here again? I had fun!”

Toshinori smiled at his boy and carried him out of the tavern. “Sure. I had fun as well.”

[callsignbaphomet]

TranslucentTB and the Better Matchmaking mod are pissing me the fuck off so I'm gonna talk about cute things.

So when Loke reached Skyrim he barely left the house, he was a mess but above all scared and trying to juggle between processing everything that happened, the fact that he now has a 4 month old and that there are people after said 4 month old and he's injured.

I'll explain what happened in Hammerfell in another post.

For a year Loke didn't interact with anyone and despite his neighbors, a dark elf woman and her Argonian wife, trying to at least introduce themselves he kept them at arm's length. He was paranoid that anyone could be a sell sword working for Iain and trying to kill his baby sibling.

I'm being ambiguous about the gender 'cause Jela was born a girl and had a different name; don't wanna overpack this with semi unrelated stuff. He didn't start switching over to male until he was around 4 or 5. But regardless I'll still refer to him as Jelani even before he was 4.

So like I was saying, for a year Loke just barricaded himself in the house until one night one of the neighbors' kids came down with a bad case of Ataxia and had no potions.

Loke had studied under his mom and by the time he was a teenager he was assisting his mom and as an adult he was a healer working alongside his mother. She also taught him about poisons and venoms (this bit of lore is because of an accident in game on my part lmao). So both women went to Loke and asked for help for their kid and Loke obviously helped. As the kid recovered Loke and the dark elf and Argonian sat down to talk and that's when they learned that it wasn't just Loke living by himself. He got nervous and said that that was his daughter and from there fabricated this whole story about how he and his partner lived in Markarth and they'd died shortly after their daughter was born and Loke moved to start over. He felt shitty about lying but he did it to protect himself and his baby sibling but from then on Lo befriended the two women and they actually helped spread the word that Lo's a healer and given the location it was ideal since most people living in the area were far from towns and cities that had apothecaries making Loke the closest thing.

Several months later Loke is infected with lycanthropy and the day after his first full moon he met Trevor (a fellow werewolf and a Redguard. Ngl Trev made him feel homesick), and the most beautiful orc he'd ever seen. He was instantly smitten and kept coming back to the Lavender Lounge, not only because it was safe but because he befriended Trevor and he was teaching him all there was about being a werewolf and how to navigate life as one too. More importantly he'd get to see and talk to that beautiful orc that owned the lounge. For weeks Uthorim and Loke talked and Uth flirted with him but Loke can't tell when someone's flirting with him...hell, he doesn't even know how to flirt honestly speaking. It wasn't until Trevor outright told him what Uth was doing which caught him by surprise since he didn't think someone like Uthorim would be interested in some scruffy thing like him. Nevertheless some months pass and Loke is pretty much head over heels in love with him.

Here's the thing. Lo had mentioned he had a child and he kind of didn't know what to tell Uthorim, he wanted to tell him the truth but part of him wanted to keep up the lie to protect Jelani. He chose to trust Uth and told him the entire truth but asked him to keep up the lie which he did. At that point Jelani almost 8 months old and Loke had introduced him to Uthorim. Cue adorable shenanigans with Lo raising Jela and Uth helping out too. Also cue Loke losing his absolute shit when Jela said his first word at 8 months. The man turned into a puddle of tears.

So Uth is there to see Jelani's first few things and saw him get a little older and as a toddler (that age that babies just grab whatever's within reach) whenever Uth would carry him around he'd grab onto Uth's tusks and make squeaky sounds. He loved playing with Uthorim and whenever he was in Loke's arms he'd fall asleep while cuddling him.

There's onviously more as Jela gets older but I'll cover that later.

[undead-potatoes]

Some baby mamas >8)

Decided to make up some visuals of what their moms would look like bc why not! So we have the mamas on each side with pretty baby bard in the middle for comparison. I think I did pretty well, considering what I had to work with, tried to get a little bit of both of them in there.

I don't have any names for anyone yet, so I'm just gonna call them Mama D(row), Mama O(rc), and B(ard) for now.

Mama D is a half-elf drow, and can be a bit of a stereotypical overbearing mother, fussing and getting all up in her kid's business. She usually means well, her meddling coming from a place of worry, warranted or otherwise.

Mama O is a half-orc, and a more laid back counterpart to her wife. She's always been more lenient with B, perhaps a bit too lenient at times, but the two temper and balance each other out in a way.

They run a small florist business in Baldur's Gate, a business started by Mama O's own parents, and later passed down to her. B both lives and works with their moms, with the drag queen gig being something they do some nights and weekends.

B has a mostly good relationship with their moms, with the usual tension that comes from living and working with your parents every day, and having a mom who's maybe just a taaaad bit too nosy about your private life (trust me, I know).

The Mamas used to drag B with them out camping quite a lot when B was a kid, partly because the Mamas enjoyed it, partly to scout for any good spots to harvest wild flowers. They'd teach B various survival skills too, like how to secure shelter, heat, and food, as well as recognizing local flora and fauna, and maybe just a little bit about celestial navigation too.

(Also kind of a sidenote, but I'm contemplating on making Mama D an old ranger. Maybe the Mamas had some sort of meet-cute out there in the woods at some point, like running into each other while they were hunting or something).

When B disappears, the two don't think much of it at first; it's not unusual for B to be gone a few days, and sometimes they just forget to tell them. But when B doesn't show up again after a few days they start to worry, which eventually turns into to panic as time goes on. They spend the better part of 3 months looking for B, asking people about them, making missing posters, and reporting them missing to the Fists (not that that was ever gonna do anything).

Mama D especially is beside herself with worry, freaking out, crying, struggling to eat or sleep. Mama O tries her best to stay calm to reassure her wife, to not lose her cool and coming up with plausible explanations for what has happened to their kid, but she doesn't believe herself any more than her wife does.

And then B finally shows back up again in Baldur's Gate after 2-3 very long months, looking like they've been through the hells and back, followed by the most eclectic entourage you've ever seen lmao.

[sunnyrosewritesstuff]

"Treat" for Elrond, please? 🥺👉👈

Sure thing! How about Elrond and children?

The life of an elf may be everlasting, but youth was truly fleeting. Elrond had few memories of his own children in their pre-adolescent state if only because he had a handful of decades with them as so compared to the centuries he’s spent with them as adults. Which has indeed been an honor and a privilege to know them as individuals in control of their own minds and bodies. After all, why glorify the journey to self-discovery when the end result is beautiful in its fruition? 

He just sometimes forgets this is not an opinion shared by the mortals around him. They see the start of life as something pure and invigorating, and upon occasion choose to press their joy upon him. As if his many years upon this earth make him an ideal minder, and when dealing with royal mortals, it’s an unnecessary headache if he does manage to offend. Which is how he found himself in a staring match with the dwarvish child in his arms.

The little prince tilted his head, gurgling something as his chubby fingers reached out for something he could not reach.

“And what is he trying to communicate with me?” Elrond asked, not taking his eyes from the curious child.

Thror smirked as he relieved Elrond of his burden.

“He’s a baby, Master Elf. He’s just making noise.”

Elrond cocked an eyebrow which had the young Prince Thrain squealing, his face stretched into a smile. Something about his stand-off had his father barking in laughter.

“Your face looks as if you plan to be facing orcs and wargs any moment.”

“Forgive me.” Elrond bowed his head. “It’s been…awhile since I’ve interacted with someone so young.”

“Aye, I figured. You should have been here last week. Thrain latched onto a handful of Thranduil’s hair, and the poncy git looked as if he were trying to decipher if the attack was intentional.”

Elrond had to hide a smirk behind his fist in order to save face. Thranduil had a long memory after all, and he would hate for it to get back to the self-proclaimed “King of the Woodland Realm”. Seeing the twinkle in Thror’s bright blue eyes though, he could tell he wasn’t successful. The father set to tickling his son under his hairless chin which had Thrain screaming in glee and latching onto one of the large rings to decorate the king’s finger.

“You know, my advisors think me mad already. ‘Introduce your son to the elves? What good could come from trusting those…’ and you’ll have to forgive me, they used some rather creative insults at this point.”

“Of course.” Elrond mused in a dry tone.

“But, I remember what my father said, Mahal rest his soul, about good friends. We’re not close enough to be ‘good friends’, I’m unfortunately stuck with Thranduil on that front. But I have heard of the impartiality of the Lord of Imladris. I hope that perhaps that means we can be good…acquaintances.”

Elrond hesitated. He’s thrown his loyalty, his friendship, to so many mortals over the years only for it to backfire. There is a reason Rivendell served as a Sanctuary and not a Kingdom. However, looking at the care Thror used attending to his son, it brought a smile to his face. 

“Should Erebor need help, they need only turn to the Last Homely House.”

Trick or treat my inbox.

[leiflitter]

A lil reference for a new party member that TECHNICALLY joins in act 2 but nobody knew about until waaaay after act 3. Except Astarion. But why would he mention it when they'll probably die anyway and it's rude to share other people's news.

Turns out that when you think you're not going to survive past the next month, you don't consider long-term repercussions of your actions. Especially stupid as Els' bloodline is of the "I WILL GROW UNDER ANY CONDITIONS" variety.

So, yeah. Eirlys Morena Woodsley, AKA "When Will You Learn That Your Actions Have Consequences"

Some lil headcanon bits under the cut!

Gale and Els only realise that Els is knocked up when she starts showing. Again, Woodsleys are honestly built to SURVIVE. Morning sickness? Not here. She may be scrawny but she's a tank.

Astarion knows from like... week 3, because Els' blood tastes different. But yeah, why should be drop THAT bombshell given everything else? They don't need the extra worry, frankly. He keeps it quiet until Gale and Els find out. In part because them panicking and trying to work out WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN is the perfect comedic timing to go "oh, you're about five months now? Did you not know?"

There will probably be a fic about them finding out and the sheer existential panic they both go through. More so Gale- Els, again, is a tank and hey! She was also an accident and she turned out ok! IT WILL BE FINE. PROBABLY.

Although Eirlys is kind of an Els Clone now, she's going to take after her dad a bit more as she grows up. Els will be the shortest in the house by the time Eirlys is 12, guaranteed.

Although technically 5e says that a half-elf/human baby would just be a human, I'm going more by the "An Elf and an Orc Had A Little Baby" model where Eirlys has a mix of traits from both of her parents.

She's inherited Gale's weave-skills but Els' method of manipulating the weave. Counterspell is a regular occurrence in their home. Karlach has been banned from arranging toy drums to be sent to them, and no, Els does not care about how hard it is to arrange shipping from Avernus, Tara does not deserve to be hit with shatter when she's not expecting it!

Tara loves her but is anxiously awaiting for Eirlys to be old enough to listen to reason. "Toddlers are not my expertise, Mr Dekarios, and I hope she's a more docile child than you were... although I'm not holding out much hope."

[therealityhelix]

By Talos, This Can't be Happening pt 34

Happy Tamriel Tuesday! The Fighter's Guild is experiencing problems! Who would have guessed?

@cardwrecks @captainbaddecisions

?~?~?~?~?

The Fighter's Guild was not much friendlier in Skingrad, but at least it wasn't his fault this time. A scant handful of people stood clustered together, one-an elf woman-shaking a folded paper at the others.

“It says he defaulted! Defaulted! Who defaults on a contract this easy? Why would he go around telling people he's defaulted? Doesn't he understand how that makes us look?”

“Complaining about money again, I'll bet.” A tall, russet Argonian growled. “As if we don't all take home the same pay for the same work. If he actually did anything, perhaps he would not be so beset by money problems.”

“Guest.” An olive complected man murmured. The Argonian's head snapped up to look at him.

“Heyyy...” Swag gave a little four fingered wave. “Am I interrupting something? Because I can leave.”

“No, no!” the Argonian called. “It's not that important. Come in!”

“Not that-!” the elf woman began indignantly. The Argonian cut her off.

“So, are you looking to join the Guild?” the Argonian asked quickly. “Or perhaps a recruit on the road? We have bed space, if that's what you need. I am Ah-Malz. This is Fadus, and Parwen.”

“Edward. I joined up in Chorrol.” No need to bring up the circumstances.

“Oh, under Vilena herself? They're friendly in Chorrol.”

“Sure.”

“Anyway, you come to get some carnage under your belt? Round here, we hunt goblins. They're everywhere in Colovia. Most of our jobs involve them in some way or another.”

More goblins. He didn't really like that. Yeah, they were trouble. They raided farms, set up ambushes on the roads, tried to tunnel into cities. They killed people. But he couldn't help but think of the cave he and Sky had whirled through like a tornado, The goblin mage on the road dropping like a sack of potatoes with Helix's arrow between its shoulders. She hadn't hesitated.

They were so easy to kill, and he didn't like that. If it was easy, it could get to become a habit. They weren't human, sure, but neither was the Argonian. Or the elf. Or the orc brothers back in Chorrol. It didn't make it okay. When they were enemies, you had to fight back, but that still didn't actually make it okay. Just a bad time for everybody.

“Eh, well, I've had some experience with goblins, yeah. Only signed up like a week or so ago, though, so I'm still getting my feet under me.”

“Oh, you'll run into more if you stay in the area.” Ah-Malz assured. “Me and Parwen have a tally going-”

“Malz, we don't have time for this!” Parwen scolded. “We've got to do something about Maglir!”

“And what do you propose, Wennie?” Ah-Malz asked. “We break down the door of the inn and drag him out by the ears?”

“Maybe.” Fadus said quietly.

“You know he'd just run if he saw any of us.” Parwen grumped. “He knows he's in trouble. He'll bolt the instant he sees us in the window.”

Three sets of musing eyes settled on him, and Swag saw the future.

“Yeah, okay. I'll go get him. Not gonna recognize me, huh? Where is he and what does he look like?”

The West Weald Inn was a crowded place, deceptively large on the inside, like the rest of the towns buildings. It was cozy, warm, and full of people, and one of them was Helix. He spotted her curled bob and goblin skull staff at the bar, the woman behind it pointing towards a door on the far wall.

“Hey baby, come here often?” he teased sliding up next to her.

“Nah, hot stuff, I'm new in town. Maybe you can show me around.” she teased back. “But first, looks like I found that alchemist they mentioned back at Fort Virtue.”

“Hey great! I got sent to shake down an awol fighter. It think it's that shortstack over there.”

His eyes had landed on a short, broad figure in dented iron armor, sitting by himself next to a window he kept glaring suspiciously out.

“Oh, that sounds like a pain. Have fun!”

“Can I get you something?” the woman behind the bar asked, as he watched Helix slip into the cellar.

“Hmm. Got anything non-alcoholic? Aw, c'mon.” he said at her condescending stare. “I made a promise, all right?”

Swag approached Maglir's table with a large mug of mulled grape juice-a specialty of the town. It turned out the barkeep wasn't mad that he dared to repudiate drunkenness in her establishment, it was that she thought he was an idiot for not knowing. Skingrad was famous for its grapes and tomatoes specifically; everybody had juice.

And now, so did he.

“Hey man, this spot taken?” he asked, and the elf glared up at him.

To Maglir, Swag probably wouldn't look like anything more than just another traveler passing through. He was all long thin lines, an exclamation point of a man, and he was aware of it. Even his armor was the lightest possible, and not yet broken in. With his distinctive hairstyle and handsome face, the rings in his ears and question mark pendant, he probably looked like more of a poseur than anything.

The elf grunted and glanced back out the window.

Swag set down his drink and took a seat.

“I only ask 'cause it seems like you're looking for someone.” he said.

“No one you're likely to know. What do you want, anyway?”

“A place to sit next to the window. My girl's wanting to talk to the alchemist here, so I might be waiting for a while.”

“Huh. Sounds like my wife when she gets into the fabric shop.”

“Ah. Looking for some time away?” Swag asked, nodding knowingly. Maglir shook his head.

“No, that's not it. She's lovely, really. Better than I deserve.”

“I know that feeling.”

“It's just that things are rough recently, and the assassination has made things many times worse.”

“Oh?” Swag raised one eyebrow. “Rough? Like, you havin' trouble getting work?”

Maglir scoffed.

“Work? Oh, yes, I can get work. What I can't get is pay! Look at this!”

The elf tossed a folded note across the table at him. He plucked it up and read over the contents.

“...A journal? Just that? A journal left in a cave? Who leaves a journal in a cave?”

“I don't know! Some fool mage, a hermit, a philosopher. Somebody did. I even went out there to get it, like a good little boot, and you know what I found?”

“Bats?”

“Monsters! Gobs of em! Barely even saw them, but almost lost my head! They sent me out there alone, into a cave full of monsters. It's like they want their recruits to die!”

“Who's they?” Swag asked. “Just so I can watch my back, you know?”

“Fighter's guild. I swear, you adventurers don't know much about organization, do you?”

“Nah, we fly by the seat of our pants. So what I'm getting', and correct me if I'm wrong, but your Fighter's Guild sent you out by yourself to get a lost book. Simple soundin' job on the face of it, but when you got there, it was way worse than you thought it'd be, so you came back and...gave up?”

Maglir grimaced.

“Doesn't sound good when you put it that way. More like I refuse to leave my children without a father because of some fool's errand. It used to be they'd send out two or even three of us for a job that dangerous! And the pay was better too. Now they spread us thin and throw us scraps. Hasn't been the same since the Donton boy died.”

Donton? Vilena's son? The boy had been alive when they'd left Chorrol, had something happened in the meantime?

“So basically, it's a strike.”

“So basically, I'm not going to die for a soggy book and a scant handful of coin. No, someone else can do this. You can do this, I don't care.”

Swag tucked the note into his belt. He wasn't sure he wanted to go into a monster infested cave in search of a soggy book either. But he could return the contract to the Guild at least.

Maglir complained for a while longer before finishing his drink and eventually leaving, but he left Swag with some interesting tidbits.

The Fighter's guild was on a downturn. They'd been losing recruits, taking bad contracts, losing good contracts. A rival organization was rising to challenge them. Vilena Donton had two sons, but not anymore, and after the loss of the eldest, had been shirking her duties, making everything worse. The individual Guildhalls had been left isolated, and some simply didn't have the leadership to hold together.

Looked like he'd come at a bad time.

Helix slid into Maglir's vacated seat and stole a pull of Swag's drink.

“Hello beautiful. Where have you been all my life?”

“In the cellar.” she said. “Sindarion's definitely got the info I wanted, but he's stingy with it. The plant is called Nirnroot, and prefers waterside real estate. He knows a way to use it, but he won't tell me. If I find more, I'll need to bring it to him to get anything out of it.”

“So all the both of us got outta this was headaches. Oh well. It's not like we were gonna spend a whole lot of time here.”

He encouraged her to finish his juice, then they headed back out into the busy streets. The elf at the Fighter's Guild nearly tore out her hair when Swag returned the contract to them, but he just shrugged and pointed out that he had a prior obligation he had to see to before he even thought about picking anything else up.

Besides, Swag figured a group that was so gung-ho to count goblin heads could take on a cave of monsters without too much trouble. Unless, of course, they really had been setting Maglir up.

His razor was ready, and they managed to get their rations topped up, so they stopped by the Mages Guildhall for a quick lunch, and headed for the western gate.

This side of the city boasted the tomato fields, which stretched out far into the low hills, trellises of long vines laden with colorful fruits. Helix told him about the different kinds as they walked, about determinate and indeterminate varieties, and about which tomatoes were best for which culinary applications. There were far more types than he would have guessed, but Helix liked tomatoes and grew many different sorts in her garden home, so he'd seen quite a few.

He reached over the fence and plucked a deep red one.

“D'ya think you could grow this kind? In your house?” he asked.

“Unfortunately no. When we leave, we probably won't be able to take anything with us.” she said. “At least, that's how it worked last time.”

“Ah well.” Swag sliced the fruit in half and handed her a piece. “Snack for the road then.”

The road curled around the city, away from their destination, and so they stepped into the wilds at a picturesque little pond where Helix discovered another Nirnroot chiming softly between the roots of a lonely tree. The countryside here was mostly open meadows and rolling hills dotted with sparse little copses of straight, thin trees. It was very pretty; bees hummed above the flowers, and occasionally a deer or rabbit scampered off over the hilltops. This landscape felt less hostile to him than the thick forests surrounding Chorrol, but maybe that was just because he could see further. It was still just as wild and unfamiliar, but the sky was visible, and there were no deep shadows or mist for the unknown to hide in.

Which was how he was able to see the wolf coming.

It was huge and grungy, with an odd look in its eyes. At least, Swag thought it was odd; he'd never seen a wolf face to face before.

Helix loosed an arrow: it flew wide, and the wolf didn't even pause, rushing towards them too quickly for Helix to nock another arrow. Swag swung his cane. The wolf caught it in its massive jaws, wrenching it out of his hands like a dog with a stick. Yanked off his feet, he crashed to his knees, face to wild animal face.

Swag bashed it with his fist.

His gauntlets flashed with dazzling light, a miniature crack of thunder, and the wolf staggered. Flesh sagged under the fur, fell away from the creature's head.

“The actual fuck?”

“It's a zombie!” Helix cried. Shouldering her bow, she flicked her hand out flinging a lighting bolt that blasted the undead beast apart.

“Ahg, that's fucking gross!” Swag hopped to his feet, shaking zombie bits off his armor. “It's not in my hair is it? Tell me it's not in my hair.”

Helix said nothing.

“Noooo, get it off!”

He leaned down, allowing her to pluck something from his head and toss it away.

“I need a million showers, and I need them right now.”

“We could go back to that little pond.” she suggested. Swag whined, and she took his hand, leading him back.

She rested on a rock while he washed, watching the horizon.

“See anything?”

“No. But I don't like that that thing was out there. It's not normal to just find undead wandering the wilds. Especially not animals. People's skeletons and ghosts can maybe rise spontaneously from cursed gravesites or haunted battlefields, but a zombie animal has to be made. Who made it? Why was it out there?”

“Are we sure we want to find out?”

“We might not be able to avoid it.”

“Then fuck it. So...why did my hand explode when I punched that thing?”

“Lemmie see your glove.”

Swag peeled off one of Rasheda's gauntlets and handed it over. She turned it over in her hands, closely examining the joints and stitches, making thoughtful sounds.

“Well?”

“Damn good workmanship. I didn't even notice until now. She's enchanted them with shock magic. She must've really liked you.”

Swag took the glove back.

“Yeah, we got along.”

“I heard. There were a few people who really wanted me to know. Didn't seem to believe me when I said I didn't care.”

Swag scowled.

“Not our problem if they don't understand us.”

“Nah, that's a them problem.”

She took his hand and they walked through the meadow, the honey scent of sun-warmed clover just barely covering an underlying whiff of rot.

?~?~?~?~?

[ceremorphilia]

ALL MY CHARACTERS: THERE ARE SEVERAL

this is mostly complete but i might add little tidbits. this post exists for my own personal organization and peace of mind

Marlowe

AGE: Mid-late 30s (unsure due to amnesia)

RACE: Zariel Tiefling

GENDER: Genderless (they/them)

SEXUALITY: Bisexual/unspecified

BACKGROUND: Outlander

CLASS: Barbarian

SUBCLASS: Berserker

ALIGNMENT: Chaotic neutral/chaotic good

LOVE INTEREST: Astarion

BEST FRIEND: Shadowheart and Karlach

BACKSTORY: One day in the not-so-distant past, a pair of adventurers tracking a band of raiders through the wilds of Faerûn came across a destroyed riverside village. Searching the wreckage for survivors, they found only one: a small, injured, mute tiefling child with no memory of what had happened to their home or family. The adventurers- a dwarf paladin and an elf ranger named Gregor and Sylvya- took them in and raised them as their own. From their adoptive parents, Marlowe learned the art of combat, and took to it like breathing. Their relative clumsiness and tendency to fly into a blind rage made them well-suited to a more barbaric fighting style, and they spent their childhood and teen years adventuring with their parents. When they were old enough to be on their own, they set off to Baldur’s Gate where they quickly fell into debt to a kingpin of the Guild and were forced to work as a bodyguard-slash-general-purpose-muscle. They hated the city and wanted nothing more to return to the wilds, so they decided one day to simply pack up and leave, Guild be damned. Their plans were immediately cut short by a certain mind flayer plot. Wrong place, wrong time, and here they are with a tadpole behind their eye.

ABOUT: They’ve never known a life without violence. It’s all they know how to do and they’re very, very good at it. They’re a protector and their worst nightmare is allowing harm to come to their friends and loved ones- they blame themself whenever a party member gets hurt and feel it’s their responsibility to ensure everyone is safe. This gets annoying when they start literally throwing themself in front of attacks and getting severely injured in almost every battle. They’re quiet, reserved, and deeply insecure. They’ve been taught that fighting is the only thing they’re good for and they believe it. They’re also a big silly idiot with a soft heart, a weakness for praise, and far too much love to give.

Tyrra

AGE: 29

RACE: Half-orc

GENDER: Woman but like, only incidentally (she/her)

SEXUALITY: Lesbian

BACKGROUND: Soldier

CLASS: Ranger

SUBCLASS: Beast master (might change if/when I play as her again)

ALIGNMENT: Neutral good

LOVE INTEREST: Karlach

BEST FRIEND: Lae’zel, Wyll and Gale (although she really gets along with everyone)

BACKSTORY: Tyrra grew up in a mixed human-orc settlement out in the wilds of Faerun. She joined their militia early in life, learning from her human father how to defend against raiders and survive in nature. She had a pretty simple life before the nautiloid, patrolling the settlement’s perimeters and skirmishing with raiders and bandits along its outskirts.

ABOUT: She’s like a camp counselor-slash-drill sergeant. Very passionate about nature, highly organized, even-tempered and intolerant of bullshit. She’s highly skilled in combat but her true passion is surviving in the wilds by foraging, hunting and navigating. She tends not to get along with most people as a result of her rather isolated and combat-centric upbringing but she is truly gentle and kindhearted. She has a soft spot for creepy and maligned animals and has a giant spider companion familiar that follows her around. Her trusty crossbow is named Florence and she treats it like a baby.

Lior

AGE: ??? (He could be anywhere from like 30 to 130. He has no idea and frankly neither do I).

RACE: High half-elf

GENDER: Man-adjacent, trans (he/they)

SEXUALITY: Bisexual

BACKGROUND: Haunted One

CLASS: Sorcerer

SUBCLASS: Draconic Bloodline

ALIGNMENT: Chaotic neutral

LOVE INTEREST: Gale (they are each other’s emotional support unstable mage)

BEST FRIEND: Mostly Gale but also Shadowheart

BACKSTORY: The Dark Urge

ABOUT: He’s very twitchy and unstable and afraid of himself. He hates feeling like he’s not in control of himself and wants very badly to get rid of the Urge. He composes poetry about murder and death to cope with his thoughts, his favorite spells are Fireball and Magic Missile, and he enjoys teasing Gale about his wizardry despite not actually having any beef with wizards.

Iulia

AGE: 25

RACE: Mephistopheles Tiefling

GENDER: Female (she/her)

SEXUALITY: Bisexual

BACKGROUND: Urchin

CLASS: Rogue

SUBCLASS: Arcane Trickster

ALIGNMENT: Chaotic neutral/chaotic good

LOVE INTEREST: Shadowheart

BEST FRIEND: Wyll and Karlach (honorable mention to Astarion who completely hates her in a dubiously friendly way. It’s reciprocal.)

BACKSTORY: Iulia grew up as an orphan on the streets of Elturel, picking pockets and stealing from market stands to survive. She and a couple other orphans ran a scam where she’d perform a magic show on a street corner to draw a crowd, and her comrades would pick as many pockets as they could. Later, in her teens and early adulthood, she was part of a loosely-organized thieves’ guild in the city, which she promptly abandoned when Elturel fell to Get The Fuck Out Of There. After a few months of hitchhiking on the road she ended up in Baldur’s Gate where she stayed for just a couple weeks before being picked up by the nautiloid. Bad luck all around.

ABOUT: She’s scrappy and cunning, she says what’s on her mind and isn’t afraid to take risks. She’s used to bailing on a situation the second it goes bad so having to make allies and get along with a bunch of weirdos is uncomfortable for her. She’s highly capable and skilled but also very overconfident in her own abilities and often ends up in stupid situations due to her own hubris. She has a natural gift for arcana which she uses for cheap parlor tricks and mischief.

Vivienne

AGE: 50s

RACE: Wood half-elf

GENDER: Woman (she/her)

SEXUALITY: Bisexual

BACKGROUND: Acolyte

CLASS: Paladin

SUBCLASS: Oath of the Ancients

ALIGNMENT: Lawful Good

LOVE INTEREST: Wyll

BEST FRIEND: Has minor beef with nearly everybody for one reason or another, is most chill with Karlach and becomes close with Shadowheart in act 3

BACKSTORY: When she came of age, Vivienne left her commune-dwelling Lathanderite wood elf family to join the Order of the Aster in Waterdeep, and dedicate herself to the protection of all those within the Morninglord’s embrace. She spent her early adulthood fighting monsters, defending temples, and being utterly miserable about herself with no idea why. When she gets picked up by the nautiloid and set on a crusade against the Absolute she comes to realize two things: 1) she is a woman and 2) she is utterly convinced she’s been chosen for this divine mission by Lathander Himself.

ABOUT: She’s a faithful and courageous warrior of the light, sworn to protect nature and act with mercy and kindness. Her faith is deeply important to her and her driving motivation. Her oath bids her to stand against wickedness in all forms so she often goes out of her way to help those in need. She butts heads with a lot of the party members rather frequently as a result of her faith, and has to be held back from instigating hand-to-hand combat on more than one occasion. She has a passion for history, culture, nature and religion and will infodump about the pantheon of Faerun to anyone who will listen.

[backgroundelf]

I don’t think orcs are elvish enough. You have this race that was made by taking elves and twisting them, but they are always shown as so far removed from elves that unless you are told their origin, you wouldn’t guess it. Which is a shame, because I think they would be more effective if they looked like elves.

Because what happens if they look like elves? For elves, this would lead to a whole range of issues. Does killing an orc count as kinslaying? It’s a lot harder to sidestep that question if the look similar. If you want to make it really dark, have elves face off against orcs and have the elves recognize some of the orcs. Even if it doesn’t count, that’s going to cause some psychological damage to the elves to be killing people that look kind of like them. And depending on how exactly they differ from elves, you can bring in the horror of the uncanny valley. As for humans and dwarves, if the first group of pointy-eared humanoids you encounter are monsters that slaughter your people and ravage your home, you’re going to be way less trusting of the next group of pointy-eared humanoids you encounter. What if some of the problems in early dwarf/elf and human/elf relations was due to cases of mistaken identity?

So orcs should still look like elves. Elves that had been tortured and dragged through Hell, but still clearly of elvish origin. My ideal orcs look more like uncanny valley zombie elves than the dark, beefy beast men they are usually portrayed as. I know this departs from Jirt’s descriptions, but I think there’s room to make orcs really creepy.

Traits my ideal orcs would have:

Extremely pale. We’re talking cave fish pale. These are creatures that despise the sun and tend to be subterranean

Black blood

Combining points 2 and 3 gives them visible veins and a greyish tinge to the skin, which leads to point 4

Unhealthy, waxy, corpse-like skin. Elves are immortal, so a marred or twisted elf should look a little dead

A tendency towards hypertrophic/keloid scars. They live violent lives, but need to be able to heal fast and be sent back into battle. The faster healing is going to cause more visible scars. I’m not saying scars are evil, but if we are looking for traits that would upset/disturb elves, reminders of physical trauma would probably be on that list

Eyes filled with unlight. The elves that have seen the Two Trees carry that light in their eyes, so the equal and opposite of that would be to have unlight instead

Fangs and claws, because obviously

Exaggerated features. Bigger eyes, longer ears, sharper cheekbones. Anything that would scream ‘here is an elf, but not’

More animalistic behavior, so communicating not only through Black Speech, but also growls and snarls, ear position, and body language. Yes, this does mean they have mobile ears

Quick, graceful movements. They still started as elves, so there are some things they should retain, like their innate grace

Despite everything, still looking like elves. The point is to shift them enough that they are two different peoples, but retaining enough similarities that you can easily tell at one point, that was an elf. So we want ‘elf, but the sort that eats babies’

[elles-writing]

Little Secret

Request: Wonderful! Could please write an escenario in which y/n (half elf and half human) was part of the company cause Gandalf hired her. She and Kili fell for each other and secretly started courting. Once Erebor was reclaimed everything was going back to normal. Thorin asked her to stay for as long as she liked. When Fili & Kili's mom got there, she had lots of meetings with Thorin so y/n was not able to properly meet her. The day that they are actually introduced, Thorin announces Kili's and Fili's arranged marriages which took everyone by surprise. Y/n and Kili try to figure and fix things out in order to convince Thorin to put off the arrange marriage but it does not work. Therefore, y/n decides to leave Erebor and ends up leaving to Dale; befriending/ helping Bard and his kids.  During her time there she finds out that she was pregnant with Kili's child. However, she never notifies Kili nor goes to Erebor to announce it thinking that he had his duty as a prince and it would be harmful for him/ his arranged marriage. So, she makes the decision to raise the baby on her own. Time goes by and on a normal day (when she was 9 months pregnant) that she's walking around Dale  while feeling contractions she bumps into Kili. Thank you so much!❤️ Sorry for the long message 😅 - @just-a-dreamer23

A/N: I know, I know, this is soo long. But, I enjoyed writing this story!! I've been trying to overcome my lack of motivation to write, so maybe it isn't as good in some parts, as my other stories, but I wanted to keep it that way, so I hope you enjoy anyways.

Tags: @guardianofrivendell @just-a-dreamer23 @anjhope1 @lathalea

The afternoon was hot. The best thing to do, was to take a nap. At least, in your opinion.

Nothing would attack in this heat, you thought, as you rested under a tree. A while after, you noticed pointy hat and grey cloak of the same colour. You lazily waved.

"Gandalf, long time no see!" Gandalf smiled at you.

"Good afternoon, Y/N." You stood up and looked at him, waiting. Gandalf never came just...for no reason.

"How are you doing?" Gandalf asked, and you shrugged.

"I'm just wandering around, as usual. You know me. I never stay in one place for too long." You said. Gandalf knew that, obviously. Being a child of an elf and a human, you felt like you never belong anywhere.

Elves felt really tense and quiet, and humans were quite loud for you, because of your hearing. And you aged lot slower than them, so making friends was also quite...not it.

"I've been looking for you, to join an adventure," You curiously gave him a look.

"An adventure? What kind of adventure?"

"Well," he looked at you.

"You know about Erebor and the line of Durin, right?" You frowned at him, and quickly shook your head.

"Gandalf, I can't-I can't join the dwarves! They will hate me! Everyone knows they hate the elves, and I'm half elf!" You said.

"Well, who said they will know? You owe me help," he reminded you. You thought back to when he healed you after orcs attacked you, and you sighed. He was right. This was the least you could do.

"And, who knows. Maybe they will like you," he gave you a look, and you folded your hands on your chest, and let out a sigh.

"Alright then. Where and when am I supposed to be?" He gave you all the information you needed. And you started your way to the Shire, looking at the first evening stars, as the starlight is what the Elves of Mirkwood love so much.

You got to the Shire around late afternoon after three days of traveling, and smiled. The hobbits and their houses were tiny, so you couldn't help, but smile. Maybe it won't be that bad, having perhaps a hobbit friend, after all...

-

You remembered the moment when you first met Kili. You thought Gandalf was there at Bilbo's house, but when you opened the door...

"Are you Master Boggins?" You frowned at the brunette dwarf.

"Do I look like a hobbit to you?" He looked at the other dwarf, then back at you, but there was Bilbo already.

Later on the journey, he found you without your cape on. It was your turn for bathing, but him and Fili forgot some their things at the river.

You just put off your cloak, and put your hair down from your headband. You heard steps, so you quickly turned around.

"You are..." Fili started.

"...an elf?" Kili finished. You huffed.

"Half elf. My mother was...human." you whispered. Painful memories of your early life came up, and you blinked to stop the tears.

"Don't tell anyone, please..." you looked at them. Both Fili and Kili must've seen something in your expression, that made them realize the importance. They nodded. Kili was, however, curious. Lot more than before, and asking you about elves. You talked about it when Thorin was far enought to not hear what was your conversations about, but it wouldn't matter much. Gandalf told them you spent part of your life living with the elves, which was true.

In fact, Kili became fascinated by you. He liked you before, and had a feeling, which he wasn't sure about. Interest, curiousity, the need to protect you, adoration...

In the moment he saw you, he realized you were his One, his love for life. And when you got closer, he asked you to court him. You said yes. From then on, you shared many quiet and stolen kisses and moments together, in the shadows of forests or your bedrooms in pubs.

The moment everyone else (except for Bilbo and the Durin brothers) found out, was when you came into Mirkwood. Thranduil ordered his guards to take your cloak and headband off, and now, everyone could see your pointy ears.

There was a moment of silence.

"What made an elf, to travel with group of dwarves?" You gulped and looked down.

"I'm a-a half elf," you whispered.

"My father was from here." You explained, and the king shot you a glare. He was not stupid. He knew you tried to pull his attention away.

"Take them to the dungeons, except for Oakenshield," he said.

When you made yourself as comfortable as you could on the cold floor, you overheard the dwarves trying to find out who you actually were and what you wanted.

To your surprise, they didn't talk about you in a bad way. Just curiousity. Thankfully.

-

"Do you think she will like me?" You said to Kili. He was writing a letter to his and Fili's mother, Dis, the happy news - Erebor was reclaimed, and they all survived. It's been a week since, and Thorin decided it was the right thing to let his sister know as soon as possible. She was surely worried.

Kili turned to you.

"Like you? Like you? She is going to love you," Kili grinned at you, and you had to smile a little too.

"Yeah, but...you know, I'm not a dwarf," you said your worry aloud. It was true. Being a half-elf, you and Kili started courting in secret. Thorin was not really kind to you, at least the first half of the journey. However, the rest of the Company liked you lot more. Especially Kili. After a while of knowing of what did you feel, you decided to tell him. To your surprise, but happiness, Kili shared those feelings. And since then, you had a tiny braid, hidden in your hair, and Kili as well.

And stole many, many secret kisses.

"I don't think mum is going to have issue with this," Kili stood up, and gently placed your hair behind your ear.

"You're my One, and you make me incredibly happy. I'm sure she won't have problem with you being half elf," You cupped his cheek, and softly smiled, as you looked deep in his kind brown eyes.

"I love you too, my short Prince," He stood on his toes and kissed you, getting a giggle from you. He pouted, when he heard you called him short, but you knew he didn't mind it.

You kissed him, and felt his smile on your lips. You were leaning down, when suddenly you lost balance, and both you and Kili ended up lying on the floor. Kili and you let out a yelp, but then broke into giggles.

"I love you," Kili said, when you finally stopped laughing. You cuddled into his chest and breathed in his scent. Kili smelled like smoke, food and fresh air.

"I love you too," Kili gently stroke your hair, and you got up.

"Where are you going?"

"You have to finish the letter, and I promised Tilda I will take a walk with her before the dinner." You helped Kili to get up.

"Alright my beloved, have a good time," he gently kissed you, and sat back to his desk. You smiled, and ruffled his hair.

"You too, my dearest." You smiled, and left the room.

-

It's been a few months, and you were finally, finally going to meet Kili and Fili's mother, Dis. She has been there for around two weeks by now, but, you haven't got the chance to meet her and be introduced to her yet.

You were officially going to meet her during upcoming celebration. Needless to say, you were freaking out.

Your stomach was tight from anxiety for a few days already, and that afternoon, it felt absolutely horrible. You haven't eaten whole day, just because all you thought about was the evening.

You spent around an hour of putting on and off different dresses from your wardrobe, trying to figure out which one to wear.

"Y/N?" Kili knocked on the door of your chambers.

"C'me in," you said. He came in, and his eyes widened, when he seen you sitting in front of the mirror, your eyes red and the mess everywhere.

"What am I supposed to wear? I have nothing to wear!" You started crying. All the stress and anxiety in past three months got the best of you. Random moments of crying, because of tiny things, were happening on daily basis.

"Dear, what is happening?" He pulled your hair back behind your ears.

"I-I just want-want your mum to like me," you muttered.

"And...it stresses me out." Kili nodded, and shortly hugged you.

"She is going to love you no matter which dress you wear, I promise." He whispered to your ear.

"Now, I think..." Kili looked around.

"I think the...the dark green dress will be perfect."

When you changed into the dress Kili picked you, Kili brushed and styled your hair. He pulled the top section into a clip, and you pulled a few strands, to frame your face. You smiled at yourself in the mirror.

"You ready?" Kili asked. You just silently nodded.

As you walked down the hall, Kili was trying to figure out where his uncle, brother and mother went to. He couldn't see them anywhere, and he was sure he was once in a while not late.

When you entered the huge throne room, you could see Fili, and let out a breath of relief.

"Fili, have you seen-"

"Kili, there you are," A woman came from behind Fili, and looked over her younger son.

"Have you brushed your hair?" Kili huffed.

"Of course I did." He said quietly, so nobody could hear him. He was visibly embarrassed, and you let out laugh. She suddenly turned to you. Her deep blue eyes reminded you Thorin, but they had the same twinkle as Kili and, occasionally, Fili.

"I don't remember I seen you here before," she said.

"Well, I usually spend my time outside of Erebor, so I think that might be it," You nervously smiled. She hummed.

"I-I'm not a part of the royal family," you said, and almost groaned. Now that was embarrassing for sure.

"Y/N, this is my and Kili's mum, Dis. Mum, this is Y/N," Fili said, and you felt your cheeks heat up.

"I-um-" You tried to say something, but she pulled you in short hug.

"Nice to meet you, Y/N," she gave you a smile, and then went back between the guests with Fili.

You let out a breath.

"That was embarrassing," you groaned. Kili chuckled.

"No, not at all. She likes you." It suddenly felt like it was much easier to breathe.

"She-she does?" Your eyes widened, and Kili nodded.

"Of course! And you can bet she will steal you to me during the evening,"

"How do you know that?" You turned to him with surprise written all over your face.

"She is my mother. I know her for a long time." He just said.

"She seems to be...different from Thorin," you said, hoping it wouldn't come out as offensive. Kili chuckled.

"Mum and Uncle really aren't that different. Uncle just focuses more on the kingdom and mum, on family," Kili said in low voice, so that only you could hear it.

When you sat down to the table, where the royal family and the Company was, you looked around. You and Kili did secretly hold hands under the table, and you talked to Dis, who was sitting across the table.

"Good evening, everyone," Thorin said, and the people got more quiet.

"It's my pleasure to meet all of you here today. I have some things to say, before the celebration starts." Thorin paused, and Kili leaned near you with a grin.

"It's just a few formalities, don't worry, love." You smiled at him back with tight smile. You felt something was not right. Thorin talked about the kingdom a little at first. The next news was, however, what you were afraid of.

"I'm very happy to say, my nephew Fili is going to marry-" you let out a breath. Kili turned to you with worry.

"Do you feel okay?" He asked, when suddenly...

"And my nephew Kili, who also has already arranged marriage, with-"

Kili stared at Thorin, and you as well.

"Kili-Kili, please-" you tried to stop Kili from going to Thorin. Kili was visibly angry, his jaw was tight, and body tense.

"Kili? What is happening?" Thorin came and let through his teeth. You suddenly felt everyone's eyes on you.

"I need some fresh air," you whispered and walked away, as quickly as you could. When you left, you came in your chambers, kneeled to your bed, and started crying.

You knew it. You should've known before.

Thorin would do this. Even when Fili and Kili were children, he would make sure they had wives already. They were princes. They needed to have a wife.

And Thorin...Thorin would never allow Kili to court you or marry you.

The next day, Kili came into your room. He had dark circles under his eyes, and gave you weak smile.

"I promise we will work this out," he muttered, and pulled you close to his chest.

Kili was asleep - and you let him - but, you thought about your situation, and tried to come up with possible solutions.

However, it was as if there weren't any.

It's been a few days, and you cuddled into your blanket. You fell asleep, and when you woke up, you looked around the room.

This place isn't for me anymore, you thought, and started packing your clothes into your bag. You changed into tunic and trousers, and wrote a letter to Kili, that you were sorry, but it was probably better to have a wife his Uncle would like, that you were leaving and never coming back, so he shouldn't be looking for you.

You quietly left the palace, and walked out in the morning. The air was fresh and nice, and for a moment, you forgot your sadness.

You walked to Dale, and decided to meet Bard. You had nowhere to go, and maybe staying there would be good, before you'd go...somewhere else.

The guards let you in, and as you thought of going to Rivendell, you noticed Bard.

"Bard?" He turned to you, and nodded at you.

"Hi Y/N. What brings you here?" You sighed.

"I'm leaving Erebor, Bard...but the problem is, I need to think about of where-" you suddenly felt dizzy, and Bard catched you. He called for a healer, that's what your hazy mind could catch.

You basically woke up, in a room. On a bed. Comfortable bed.

"Lie still, lady Y/N," the healer said. You frowned a little, when she placed her ear to your stomach.

"I can hear the heartbeat clearly. The baby is most likely around three months old," she said.

"What baby?" You asked, confused. You looked from the healer to Bard and Bard to healer. She took your hands in hers.

"You don't know, my lady? You are pregnant. I can clearly hear the heartbeat of your child," she softly smiled at you. You shook your head, and felt a few tears escaping your eyes.

"I'm...I'm with child," you whispered. You could not believe it. So perhaps, it wasn't just stress...

"Who is the father?" The healer asked, when she helped you to sit up. You nervously looked in your lap.

"Kili. Prince...Kili. Kili Durin." You said, and Bard and the healer shared a look.

"He...he doesn't know. Can we keep it a secret? Please?" You looked at them.

They said yes. Bard was like a father to you, and let you stay. He showed you chambers, that would be your home for next few months at least.

You never went back to Erebor. You thought Kili had to marry the princess, so you just tried to think of the baby you were carrying.

It wasn't that hard, honestly. The baby was often restless, though.

As if it missed Kili as much as you did...

Even if the baby would have to grow up without it's biological dad, you were sure you'd be able to take care of them well.

Some days, you were happy, and didn't think of Kili too much. It pained you, yes, and you knew you had to be strong for the baby, so you often asked someone to teach you something, such as how to prepare different meals, how to knit or how to play piano, to name a few.

Other days, you felt sad. It could be because of the weather, or hormones, some days you just woke up sad, and sometimes it was when something reminded you of Kili. Those days, the baby was the most restless, and the maids told you it was because the baby missed it's father.

You sat down to the armchair next to the window in your bedroom, and looked out on the street. Nobody could see you from here, so it made you feel safe. You looked up and seen Erebor.

"There's your daddy, over there," you whispered to the baby.

The answer you got, was soft kick.

-

"Does it hurt?" Sigrid asked you, looking at your belly. You smiled at her.

"No, it doesn't." You stroke your stomach. You've been pregnant for past almost nine months. Bard was so kind and let you stay, and even offered you bigger chambers, which you gladly agreeded to. The chambers were perfect size, and the baby could have their own small room, overtime.

You let out shaky breath. You wanted Kili to know about all of this. To be there with you, talk to you and to the baby.

But, it was not possible. It would hurt his reputation, and perhaps even his marriage.

You dried your tears, and carefully stood up. Even as pregnant, you were able to stand up yourself, luckily quite easily. You felt very thankful for some of your genes being from the elves, because, as Bard explained to you, humans had it harder.

When you slowly got yourself out of the castle, you breathed in. The air smelled nicely - you smelled fresh bread, old leaves, fresh air from the lake. Mix of summer and autumn. You felt it was one of the last few warm days, before the typical autumn comes.

You looked around, and your cravings were begging you for some freshly baked, soft warm bread with fresh butter, melting on top of it. You thought of the crispiness of the bread's crust, and your mouth started watering. You groaned, when you felt how your stomach let you know some snack would come handy.

You slid your hand to your pocket, and made sure you have enough money.

You started walking, to find some bakery, and as you looked around, you noticed one on the other end of the street.

You let out a breath, and started walking towards the small store.

You were almost there, when you overheard a gasps, escaping a few young girls. You slowed down and listened to their conversation.

"Did you see him?"

"Yes, I did. Do you think it really is the Prince?"

"Of course he is! I mean, look at him. I'd recognize the hair clip everywhere." You frowned a little, when you suddenly realized it. You stopped walking, and felt hot wave running down your back, and liquid running down your leg.

You carefully looked down. It was clear.

You turned around, and - damn it! - your eyes locked with Kili's in the exact moment.

He started walking towards you. You clearly recognized happiness in his eyes, and relief.

"Y/N, where have you been those past months? I was worried about you," He said, and when he was near you, you recognized even the wet shine in his chocolate eyes. You felt sudden rush of guilt.

He must have notice the guilt on your face. Kili frowned a little, when he took a notice of your belly, under the dress.

"I-you..." You noticed it. He was holding back tears. You shook your head, as you tried to hold your own.

"Kili, it isn't like this...please trust me!" You felt another wave of heat running down your back, and stepped forward, but sudden dizzines made you take wrong step. Kili quickly catched you.

"Kili, I-this is, uh..."

"You moved on," he said. You shook your head.

"No, it's...you are the father," you said, but didn't notice what was his reaction, because suddenly, you realized what was going on, as you were holding your belly.

"I need to get back, and find a healer and midwife," you let out through your gritted teeth.

"We will get there quickly," Kili let out, and you had a feeling.

"Don't you dare to faint!" You let out.

Kili helped you to get back. You noticed Sigrid, and told her to quickly find healer. She didn't ask anything, and quickly runned away. You let out a groan and gripped Kili's arm.

"Lady Y/N, we need to get you to the room prepared for labour," the healer said, and checked on your belly.

When you got there, and changed into simple gown, you laid down as the healer told you.

Kili stayed there, and you were gripping his arm and hand.

"I'm not fucking letting you to sleep with me ever again," you said through gritted teeth. Kili took a shaky breath, and you shot him a glare.

"Don't you dare to faint, Kili Durin! You did put this baby inside me nine months ago, so now-"

"This is just the pain speaking from Lady Y/N, Prince Kili. Don't take it personally," Kili gulped and nodded.

"You're doing great, love," he said carefully. You let out a huff.

"I didn't finish! Now you will deal with me breaking your arm, because it hurts!" You almost yelled at him.

"I can see the head, my Lady!" The healer smiled.

"With this next contraction, you will push as much as you can!" The healer said.

"Okay, one, two, three-push!"

"You're doing great, dear. The baby is almost there," Kili tried to cheer you up.

"You have no idea how painful it is!" You screamed.

"My lady, this is going to be your last push, are you ready?" The healer looked up at you, and you nodded.

"One, two, three, push!" The healer let out. You gripped Kili's hand, and suddenly...

You heard a baby scream.

"It's a girl!" The healer said happily. You smiled, and let out some happy tears.

"You-you did it!" Kili said, and you wiped off your eyes.

"No, we did it," you muttered, and he kissed your cheek.

"How do you feel, Y/N?"

"I'm okay," you smiled. The midwife checked on you, and handed you your baby.

"Everything seems to be in order," she said and smiled. You smiled at her back. She was there for you for all those months, and you got close.

"Thank you so much," She nodded.

"I'll leave you alone," she said, and left.

You stroke the baby's cheek.

"How are we going to name her?" Kili whispered, and stroke the baby's chubby cheek. You shrugged.

"Well...I'm not sure. I was thinking of Arina," you said.

"It's...it's beautiful name," Kili said, and you realized he was crying.

"Kili...I'm so sorry for...for hiding it from you," you whispered. Kili shook his head.

"Love...it isn't your fault. Can I...can I hug you?" You nodded, and he slid his arm around your shoulders.

"If anything, it's my fault." He muttered.

"I should've known where did you go, and-"

"Shh," you said.

"We can talk about that later. Arina's asleep now."

You were quietly watching the baby. The midwife came back soon, to check on you and the baby, and when she left, Kili spoken up.

"We talked Uncle the marriges out." You nodded.

"You left Erebor by then already. I was looking everywhere for you, only if I knew-" you subtly interrupted him.

"I didn't know either. I wanted to go to Rivendell, but...then, I found out. It would be risky, so Bard let me stay here," You shrugged.

"Do you still want to leave, though?" Kili looked at you with sad eyes, when he looked away from your daughter. You shook your head.

"No." Kili grinned, and gently brushed his hand over your cheek.

"Just for your information...mum was going nuts when she found out about the arranged marriges. She likes you a lot." You smiled, and took Kili's hand in yours.

"Well...let's hope she likes her too," You looked at Arina's sleeping face.

You came back the next day. Kili had to go to Erebor that evening, but in the morning, he came back.

When you entered, you overheard a strong female voice. You quickly realized who was the woman.

"I don't care my brother has a meeting. Go tell him he has to come here. It's a family emergency," she said, and turned to you and Kili.

"Y/N, where have you-oh, who is this?" Dis turned to you, and noticed the baby. You shared a look with Kili.

"This is your granddaughter," You said carefully. Dis looked between you and Kili, and it seemed like most things clicked to her. She smiled.

"Well..."

"Dis, what does that means?" Thorin's voice came from different hall, and you noticed Fili giving you a knowing smile.

"Thorin..." you said, and he turned to you. He seemed to be confused, but then he looked at Arina.

"What does this-"

"Uncle, let's get some privacy first," Fili said.

When you came to library, Thorin turned to you. Dis stood up, as if she would want to protect you.

"Uncle...Y/N and I started courting on the quest in secret. We planned to get married, but when you announced the arranged marriges for me and Fili, we-"

"I left Erebor, because I thought you would never accept me as partner for your nephew, Thorin. I found out I was pregnant, however, I didn't want to hurt Kili's reputation or his marrige, so I never came back to announce it. He met me in Dale yesterday, and I, um...I went to labour." Thorin has been looking at you and Kili. Your body was tense, and Fili, Kili and Dis were ready to protect you any moment.

Thorin slowly closed this eyes, and placed his face into his palms. When he looked up again, he let out a sigh.

"Fili, Kili, sister, leave us alone."

"But Uncle-" Fili said, but Thorin shook his head.

"I said, leave us alone. It won't be long." They three left, and you were a bit afraid.

"Kili is a prince, yes. But, he is also a dwarf, who needs to have someone who he is happy with." Thorin said, looking away from you.

"I noticed, of course. You make him happy, Y/N. I thought it was just childish love, that you would leave, and it would break Kili's heart. I owe you honest apology, Y/N. For thinking you wouldn't take his love seriously." He looked at you, and you let out a small smile. You nodded.

"Apology accepted, Thorin. Courting Kili makes me incredibly happy, and I am honored to say he is my lover," you said, and Thorin looked at you.

"Well, and when it comes to, um...you staying, you can stay here. If you would like to."

"I'd be very thankful."

A few years later

"Fi, look!" Kili said, as Arina walked towards Kili, again. She was giggling, as her father was dancing with her. You laughed.

"Kili, be careful!"

"Daddy, look!" The little girl pointed to a butterfly, who sat on her dress.

"Yeah, it's beautiful," Kili said, and she pouted.

"Don't move, or it will fly away!" Arina let out, and let the butterfly gently walk on her palm.

"Uncle, look, I got a butterfly!" Arina showed it to Fili, who nodded with nervous face.

"Oh, it's beautiful, Ari. Would you put it, um, a bit away from me, please?" She put the butterfly on a flower, and Fili let out a breath.

"I'm sleepy, mommy." She came to you, and lean her head on your shoulder.

"Ari?" A little boy came, and the girl jumped up with grin.

"Vili!" She squealed, and started tickling her cousin.

"Granny!" Arina gasped, when she noticed Dis.

"You are growing up so fast, Ari!" She said proudly, and you two shared a look.

"Aye, that's what she does," Kili let out a chuckle, and gently kissed your cheek.

[gossip-girl-of-middleearth]

Elf got your tongue? (Legolas x Reader)

Synopsis: When your tongue gets stuck on a pole in some snowy slopes, and orcs are approaching, the Fellowship has to get a little creative to unstick you.

“What is it?” you curiously asked, staring up at a glistening pole.

Under the morning sun, the snowy slopes sparkled like diamond crust. Yourself and the Fellowship had trekked far since Rivendell, and you now found yourself climbing high in the snow.

What you did not expect, however, was to stumble across a tall, silver pole.

“It is a landmark, Y/n,” Gandalf answered. His tone was edged in both fatigue and annoyance, from his place at the front of the resting group.

“A landmark for what?” Pippin pitched in, walking up to stand beside you.

Your hands were on your hips, as you squinted up at the sky to view the entirety of the pole. You felt your palms grow clammy at the thought of the tall height, as well as the blue eyes a few feet away sneaking a glance at you.

So much for the inconspicuousness of elves, you figured.

Your heart skipped a beat, and you fought hard to play it cool. Although, your feelings soon won you over, and you couldn’t help but steal a glance back. When you did so, however, you caught the eye of Legolas.

He widened his eyes quickly, and cleared his throat as he looked away. You smiled at the reddening of his ears, and resisted the urge to grin giddily with a chewing of your lower lip.

“It signifies our position in the north, Peregrine Took,” Gandalf snapped again.

Pippin clamped his mouth shut, and looked up at you with a mischievous smile. You then both tried hard to not snicker at the grumpy wizard.

“Speaking of which,” Aragorn piped up, with a keen eye trained on the horizon, “it appears our efforts travelling north will not benefit us. Gandalf, would we not be better off observing our path ahead from atop the slope?”

“Perhaps…” Gandalf agreed. He ultimately sighed and began stepping up the steep incline of snow. “The rest of you wait here by the pole, whilst I scope out our path ahead. Nobody do anything foolish! Especially you three—Y/n, Meriadoc and Peregrine.”

In response, the three prematurely accused friends upheld their palms. You all shook your heads and gave promising smiles to the wizard.

He merely only growled something under his breath, before slowly tearing his eyes away and beginning his ascent.

Dropping his hands slowly, Merry leaned across to you. “Bet you won’t lick that pole.”

“Bet,” you confidently replied back.

Only one minute had passed since Gandalf had walked up the slope, and only one minute had passed since you decided to lick the pole. With one long swipe of your tongue, you were alarmed to find your flesh frozen against the pole.

Merry and Pippin thought you to be joking at first, until they caught the panic in your eyes. With Boromir, Gimli, Aragorn, Legolas, Sam and Frodo a few feet away commenting on the path ahead, and pointing out at the slopes, you and the two other hobbits tried to remove your tongue.

However, it was to no avail. You whimpered at the burning sensation in your tongue, and pushed the two boys away as they tried to pull you free. All they did was cause your tongue further pain, for it appeared no such unsticking would occur.

Legolas caught your sounds of hurt, and like a mother drawn to a baby’s cries, he threw his head over his shoulder.

“Oh my…” he attempted to say, before his sentence trailed off with a shocked widening of his eyes.

He knew instantly what kind of trouble the two hobbits had put you in, and would have laughed loudly had Aragorn not spoken up in alarm.

“Nobody panic, or make any drawing movements, but we are being tracked by a group of orcs—below the slope, a league or less behind us.”

“WHAT—” you had gone to say, but mewled instead at the stretching of your tongue.

Catching your oddly muffled voice, the five other boys turned to look over their shoulders.

“Y/n? Oh, for the LOVE OF—” Boromir went to curse, but was cut off by Aragorn instead.

The ranger flew forwards to assist you, and to assess the severity. “We cannot linger by the pole! They’ll be on us in minutes!”

You made another string of unintelligible words, but ceased quickly with a wince at the tearing of your tongue. It was stuck, and stuck good.

“We need to boil water!” Gimli proclaimed, already fetching a pot from Sam’s rucksack.

“There’s no time!” Legolas answered, eyeing off the approaching orcs.

“It’s been an honour knowing you, Y/n,” Merry joked, placing his hand solemnly on your shoulder.

He then made a move to run away towards Gandalf, but was halted by an outstretched arm from Boromir. The captain gave an unimpressed thinning of his lips, but was still looking ahead towards the orcs.

“Maybe we can pee on—” Pippin had gone to offer.

“NO!” you cut off.

“Well, how else can we boil water quickly?” Legolas asked in frustration. “It’s not as though we were born with internal heaters!”

At that, everyone went quiet. Maybe he was onto something…

The elf’s hands were on his hips, as he shook his head at the ground in thought and tapped his foot. However, upon hearing nothing from his friends, he looked up.

All eyes blinked back at him, even yours, as you stared at the prince with your tongue still out and stuck against the pole.

“WE perhaps cannot heat anything very quickly as mortals…” Aragorn alluded. “But elves have different bodily regulations.”

“What are you—oh…” Legolas began to hiss, before he came to the same realization as everyone else.

He looked at a very sheepish you next, and swallowed his nerves. Sighing and holding out his hand, Legolas motioned for Aragorn’s water cannister.

The ranger complied, and handed the lifeline over with an apologetic look thrown your way. Legolas then eyed off the canister with an apprehensive expression, but soon sighed after.

He began unscrewing the lid, before he discovered that all eyes were still on him. He narrowed his gaze and furrowed his brows, and defended himself with, “Well, I can’t do it with you all watching!”

Giving one more glance down at the running orcs, who were gaining speed, everyone but you and Legolas nodded and jogged up the slope to advise Gandalf of the incoming attack.

Left alone in the cold, and shivering for more than one reason, you tried to look everywhere but at the elf taking a long swig of water. Dropping the cannister from his lips, with a glance over his shoulder at the orcs, Legolas swished the water around in his mouth until it was warm.

Walking over nervously, Legolas kept a good few feet between the two of you. He then caught your eye and asked for consent. Sighing and nodding your head, you looked back up at him.

Nodding back, with cheeks full of warm water puffed out, Legolas, spurting like a fountain, blew a stream down to where your tongue was stuck to the pole. However, it wasn’t enough—more a trickle, really.

“That’s not going to be enough!” you tried to say—muffled once again, though.

Making a scared noise of protest, with his cheeks still mostly full, Legolas stepped in closer to you. Hesitating for a moment, Legolas lowered and lifted his head a few times, finding the whole situation very uncomfortable.

However, with the roaring of orcs nearby, he was soon reminded of the hastiness of the situation. Lowering his head to become eye level with you, and holding your fixated gaze, Legolas tentatively leaned his mouth in close to yours.

Only a few centimetres away from your stuck tongue, he began slowly pouring the warm water out from his mouth past pursed lips. Both of your faces flushed at the closeness of it all—something so similar in action to a tender kiss.

Slowly, but surely, the warm water—intertwined with good old-fashioned royal spit—thawed your tongue. Feeling it unstick, you jolted away from the pole. At the same time, Legolas quickly stood upright and swallowed the rest.

Stretching your mouth out and running your tongue all over the inside of your own mouth, fighting against the fact that you could taste him, you quickly found your words again.

“Thank you,” you forced out.

“No worries,” he replied, in just as much of an uncomfortable tone as yours.

A few seconds of awkward silence passed between you two, before the reminder of orcs dawned on you both.

“We should probably—” Legolas began, nodding over his shoulder at the awaiting Fellowship.

“Yeah,” you agreed.

With that, you both nodded at one another, before sprinting up the slope.

[justsomeectoplasm]

(Warning: just some ramblings and ideas. I just wrote down what I was thinking so some of this might not make sense)

From my fantasy post of skykids it really made me sit down and have a debate with myself what fantasy race would make the best and worst parents.

I mean, have you seen how adorable a chibi is and how cute it is when a moth wants to be your friend and follows you around like a baby duckling? It's so cute~

But anyway, I had decided at first that humans would be the best since, well, skykids look the most human so I guess it would be natural for them to know how to raise a skykid. But when I remembered that humans would think they were blessings from a god or something, I don't think they'll easily take in skykids due to that.

But then what about other races? And that brought me to writing these ideas:

Entering a potion shop of a powerful sorcerer and seeing this little skykid trying to peak over the counter cause they're too small.

Entering a bakery and seeing a skykid holding the hand of a traveling elf while munching on a treat.

A dryad singing a lullaby about the forest to a skykid while underneath an ancient tree

A skykid playing in a gothic castle of a vampire who happens to be a bit lonely.

A skykid sleeping near a fireplace to recharge their light in a witch hut.

A skykid getting a piggyback ride from an orc while eyeing their surroundings from such a high place.

A skykid playing with werewolf children in a pack they were recently accepted

I have too many ideas please help.