#however i cannot deny that to most people it is lacking and they're right. it's too flat out here to do anything super impressive

[teethrotter]

the midwest is kind of worthless in terms of scenery value but ( as of yet ) i will give it 2 things: sunrises + southern illinois in the winter

[genderqueerdykes]

I'll preface this with saying that if you don't feel like dealing with this topic then feel free to delete the ask.

So I have a question regarding the "kink at Pride" debate. Isn't the most viable solution just having two events; i.e. one venue hosts an "all-ages" type and another separate one where everything is allowed?

I ask this because I recognize the contributions that people with kinks have made and I don't agree with the exclusionist mindset, but I'm one of those people who does have trauma surrounding kink. I hate feeling excluded because of that (after all, I'm queer and I've struggled just as much as the next queer person) and I want people like me to be able to participate just as much as those who helped make history. There are those who are able to reconcile their trauma, but many of us can't.

I'm sorry if this is a stupid question. People on both sides tend to be very hostile regarding this subject... and that said I genuinely do understand the anger felt on the side of people with kinks since the talking point "kink doesn't belong at Pride at all" is an ahistorical and TERF based mindset. I just wished that the discussion around this topic was less toxic because I don't want to be exclusive to others nor be excluded myself, and unless I'm missing something it seems like the solution that would be beneficial for everyone is having those two spaces that accommodate both camps (if it is a common thing then that's good, but I've been to several areas and every event was only ever the mixed bag for lack of a better term).

hello there, i think my best answer for this question is this

it's totally okay to want to have all ages events and sections and aspects to pride parades and pride events- in my city pride lasts for an entire week and there are events specifically for kids, and elderly queer folks as well. often times during pride month there will be all kinds of celebrations and i think it's a good idea to have multiple kinds of celebrations

however, you really cannot remove the adult aspects from pride parades and other big main event pride festivals- there is free AIDS testing at a lot of pride fests, free condoms and dental dams, sexual education, other sex harm reduction education and resources, sex toy shops, info on safe gay/trans sex, information on safe kink practices, etc. removing those aspects of pride could be downright dangerous for some who rely on this type of harm reduction

i understand that you have trauma and that you want to express boundaries, that is good- if witnessing kink upsets or triggers you, it's okay to want to avoid it, but pride is going to have displays like that because it is in fact a protest. it is not family friendly, it never has been and it never will be- it spawned in response to police brutality that was happening within queer bars. it is designed to shock you and make you think.

pride is an event that has historically been kinky and included a lot of people proudly displaying that they live alternative lifestyles because they are heavily important to a lot of queers. the san fransisco pride parade is lead by the lesbian leather motorcycle club, Dykes on Bikes, and has been since the late 1970's.

i think it's very odd to focus on kink in specific when there are other traumatizing things that come up at pride- people discuss abortion, abuse, being arrested, beaten by the police, being denied rights adoptive rights and healthcare, and so much more. pride will always have something that will make people uncomfortable, because it is a protest in the street to talk about the brutal reality of our lives

again, as i stated, i am fine with children's, all ages, etc. pride themed events being held but main pride parades, festivals, etc. are in fact designed to be protests, meaning provocative and brutally real. they're not just for waving rainbow flags and saying "yay we love being gay!" it's okay to know your own limits and boundaries but i think that if you know that that's upsetting to you, you may just not be suited for an inherently political event, and that's okay. hope that helps, take care, stay safe

[metalmaul]

haha yeah remember like way way back maybe 14 years ago or so when there were users on this website who made those "sometimes the curtains are just blue" jokes & caused all media literacy to die forever more haha yeah haha, hi! hi, i was one of those! i killed all literacy, whoopsie!!!! i guess i just simply never ever learned about symbolism or understood any sort of point of anything in media ever again. i know lol i can't understand color or anything ever it just whizzes right over my head to this very day!!!

so, here's some thoughts to share from my perspective. in my case personally, i liked reading back then. i even liked some books that were assigned reading in school & participated with enthusiasm about them in class. there are some people who didn't like reading in general, and almost every time that's actually because they struggle to read. it is something that is incredibly difficult for them to do & not just general laziness or being ignorant forever on purpose. when you hear "i don't like reading" or "i haven't read a book in years" you might not want to gun it to "idiot" because actually, haha, that word's origin also applied to some people that others thought were not smart or worthy of respect because of a certain disability & having greater difficulty than most people to do something they find basic. instead i would recommend thinking "I wonder why that is," because that total lack of sympathy actually just discourages everyone.

anyway, some assigned reading books did not appeal to me, which made me not want to read them but there was this whole "i have to" aspect to it that made me really like the whole thing less somehow. now, to address any commentary: i can absolutely respect if a book is historically imprortant & one of the best ever written, much like all things. music, films, and art are just the same. i do not deny it. however, knowing that cannot make me enjoy something that i just personally do not. conversely, i can recognize & acknowledge when something is terrible & it sucks, but that won't stop me from enjoying it if i do.

something else very important that i think a lot of people have not considered for quite some time: sharing a joke on the internet does not actually mean that you just go to class and say "fuck you. they're just blue." the thing about school is that they give you the choice of figuring some shit out even if you do not want to at all or failing. lots of people mad about this really forget that in school you do school & on the internet you might share a joke. perhaps it is a joke that is very illiterate, even. you like the joke because you maybe really don't want to talk about symbolism in some book you don't want to read in the building you aren't allowed to leave where you spend hours & hours day after day for years being told you have to do a stack of things that you really do not want to by several adults & at least 1/3 of the town's teenaged population is trapped in this same building as you & this all happens at a stage of life where your brain & libido & emotions are cranking up to "nuclear reaction explosion" & down to "should i kill myself?" levels rapidly back & forth all day for a few years & your parents happen to legally own you & your home life is really a custom mix of making life worse generally— for me personally, there was a villain that i knew in that life chapter who was doing cool things like attempted murder so maybe that had some influence on my permanent illiteracy idk... so the joke really just takes the sting out of that whole carousel of shittiness you're experiencing, because you really would like to just not have to think about shit that you don't want to for just a moment, y'know, like just a little. on behalf of all of us, our deepest apologies about the whole destroying all understanding of media forever. not intentional.

now, incredibly, i actually analyzed & thought about many pieces of media at length & with enthusiasm quite often after my brain had settled down from maximum overdrive & i got to own myself & i wasn't in high school & things of such nature. however, i had slowly been declining in my ability to read which had started in high school, but i don't think that was because of a joke i reblogged. i just leveled up in disability on many fronts & reading became, to my dismay, so challenging that i don't read books anymore. i would sure like to. i like short story collections because my brain & my eyes don't fizzle out quite as much if it's little bursts of story instead of a slow burning candle. i also do the best with graphic novels which are an incredible aid for me. the text being broken up & spread out, the illustration accompaniment because when that "can you picture an apple" meme went around, i became aware that i don't make pictures in my head! it did explain why through all my years of reading in hindsight i simply could not picture things in books the way other people did. as a child, i'd read a book & a friend would ask me how i imagine someone/something looked like & unless there was also a film or illustrations, i just didn't! i didn't know what lots of stuff looked like. i wasn't sure how anyone was doing that.

i think that's all i have to say on this topic. i can say i have become friends with some other people over the years who also shared this joke online & they have managed to also have a grasp of media literacy despite a joke they liked in high school. i personally feel like maybe we shouldn't assume that something you thought was funny as a teenager necessarily continued to be representative of the rest of your life. i would also like to offer the idea that media illiteracy has been a problem for a very, very, very long time, & i'm sure this is an issue with quite a lot of factors & might require a pretty complex plan to improve over time that i don't have a lot of faith will happen any time soon. it would require things like "more support" & "teaching children in different ways because no one learns anything the same way" & already I'm hitting lol nah we aren't doing that x2.

[rmorde]

I think it's beautifully tragic that it ended up being Sukuna who freed Gojo from his loneliness and made him feel like a human not a god.

It's sad, but it doesn't diminish his love for the students imo.

Objectively, yes. You are absolutely right, Anon. It is a beautiful tragedy. Can't deny that Gege must have crafted #236 as a way to give Gojo a lovely yet ironic send-off. The man everyone touted as the heroic teacher and savior was suffering from isolation brought up by circumstance. Only the villain could save him and end the never ending cycle of sacrifice he was trapped in.

I know it sound ridiculous but frankly, imo, Gojo is sacrificing and being selfless all this time on hindsight. As revealed in the Afterlife Airport, Gojo just wants to have fun and be connected with people. That is his most selfish desire. However, he forgoes those desires and instead dedicated himself into serving others.

Gojo is very simple. Gege said so himself and I could see it only now.

-> Gojo just wants to live happily with friends and have fun with his powers. -> Gojo realizes he cannot do that because people suffer. Suffering is something he had come to know intimately through Geto and Amanai. He wants no one else to experience that. So, he tries his best to prevent others from going through it by being responsible in his own unconventional way. -> Gojo tries to build a better world where people get to have a choice (unlike Amanai) and would not have to fight alone (unlike Geto). Both of these are anti-thesis to the current culture of jujutsu society. -> Gojo cannot kill the higher-ups to get what he wants because it is not a permanent solution since others would just replace them. -> So, Gojo plays the long game. He undermines the higher-ups by becoming a teacher instead of a simple yet effective foot soldier. This is the toughest part because it's like a Heavenly Restriction. Gojo takes in young sorcerers and acts as a buffer for them. In exchange, Gojo has to do missions with barely any time to spare. Those spare time he does get, he uses it to teach his students in a goofy way.

On the surface level, Gojo looks like a happy-go-lucky asshole who never takes anything seriously. However, the guy is working all the time, isn't he? When does he gets sweets? Between jobs while travelling for missions. When does he play around? While fighting curses or partaking in school events which are essentially his job. When is he being so goofy? While teaching his students which again is his job.

No wonder he is so sadistic against curses and downright nasty with his teasing at times. Gojo needs an outlet from all that stress of being worked to the bone. The guy doesn't get a day-off. Even worse, no one really realizes it because of the first impression he makes as a competent weirdo and his lack of delicacy makes him so off-putting that no one really digs deep on what exactly he is doing or how he is doing. His reputation as "The Strongest' could not have been of any help too.

Gojo has simple goals and is very simple in his methods at achieving it. There are no hidden agendas, double meanings, sugarcoating, or anything. Whatever he says is exactly what you will get.

However, everyone in and out of the JJK-verse, tend to make a molehill out of everything Gojo does or says. No one could get an accurate reading on him because as "The Strongest", he must have something grand up on his sleeves like a selfish plan for some sinister selfish goal.

-> Nanami: He is the biggest example for me among the adults. I love him but it's clear that he does not really like Gojo and misunderstands him a lot. He cares about him like a professional colleague and former schoolmate. However, they're not besties. I think Haibara's loss is too much of an overwhelming barrier between them.

Nanami is wise and mature but it's clear in the story that he is human too. Despite logic telling otherwise, he puts Gojo on an unreachable pedestal and resents him for failing him one time - the death of Haibara. This is something I really like about him because it shows that he is not perfect and his emotions cannot simply be ruled over by cold logic. I'm sure Nanami understands that it was the higher-ups that screwed them over. Hence his protective and supportive nature towards Yuji. But, again since Nanami put Gojo on a pedestal, he cannot help the slight bitterness he would always have towards the Six Eyes user.

Because of that bitterness, Nanami does not see Gojo beyond the surface level. Although, another reason might be is that he is scared to see Gojo as human who can get hurt like them too. To think of Gojo as a person might break Nanami's worldview.

-> Megumi: His relationship with Gojo is complicated to say the least. While I love to headcanon them as a loving perfectly functional family, I know in canon that they're not exactly all sunshine and rainbows together. Megumi has a very bad first impression of Gojo and it is something that persists throughout their times together. He is like that "first-child" phenomenon of a parent figuring things out on how to properly treat a child and got fucked up by it.

Gojo did did everything wrong in their first interaction. He did save Megumi and Tsumiki. He even gave the kid a choice on what to do and was planning on telling him the truth about Toji. Those were kind actions BUT that was after Gojo delivered the disgusting news about Megumi being sold like cattle. To cap it all off, Gojo encourage the boy the get strong.

So, how else would Megumi think of him other than being nice on the surface but with a hidden a agenda underneath?

Everyone thinks of Gojo poorly despite everything he does and is only appreciated for his powers. I think the only exceptions are: Yuji, Yuta, and Shoko.

-> Shoko: She was a trio with Gojo and Geto. Out of everyone, she knows him best and truly take his words in for what it is. The trouble tho is they cannot connect because of a misunderstanding. Shoko often waits for Gojo to take the initiative in their interactions first. While Gojo, on the other hand, buys into Shoko's aloof neutral facade and respects it by not getting her roped into his affairs.

-> Yuji & Yuta: I grouped these two together because they are very similar in their relationship with Gojo. They were both outsiders to the jujutsu society and was saved from execution by Gojo. The man was their lifeline literally. Their first impression on him has largely positive despite his weirdness. In fact, out of everyone, Yuji and Yuta are the only ones to see Gojo as a person first then "The Strongest" second. They both worry for him and wanted to rush in to help him (Yuji in Shibuya, Yuta in Shinjuku). I believe the only obstacles that stop them from reaching out to Gojo are: -> He is their teacher. That is both a generational and power gap that is difficult to overcome even in real life. -> Their peers and environment are kind of pressuring them to follow the norm of "Gojo is the Strongest. Don't worry about it. He'd be fine alone."

I had high hopes that it is Yuji, Yuta, or Shoko that could break through Gojo's lonely cycle of sacrifice. If there was anyone that can cross that divide, I thought it would be them after some character development.

So, it is a bitter pill to swallow for me that it was Sukuna that did it first and robbed them of the opportunity by killing Gojo instead. It fucking hurts because it was so unfair for Gojo but more so on the trio who had seen him as a person but were unable to communicate it properly.

In my PoV, Shoko, Yuta, and Yuji were so fucking close at saving Gojo from loneliness and correcting him from his mistaken belief that his love is always one-sided - that no one could ever understand him despite the care he gives judging from the flower metaphor that he used. I partly blame Geto for this and also jujutsu society's toxic culture.

I'm mad and upset that Sukuna got to Gojo first before everyone else has a chance which makes it a beautiful tragedy indeed. I respect Gege for that.

But subjectively, I'm upset about it and find the whole thing so difficult to accept because for that very same reason. It's a tragically beautiful conclusion which makes it a harrowing reminder that this is JJK and JJK is not a pretty world when all I ever want is for Yuji and Shoko to not lose so much more.

[rangedreign]

ohhh my favourite part of ask games, (harmless) petty fandom drama. i know these are a lot so ofc feel free to pick and choose but im nosy and love gossip so if you feel like it *eyes emoji*:

1 2 (just for the drama lol) 6 (feel free to ignore i understand u completely but i live for drama lol) 7 (MORE) 8 12 (<3) 16 (*eyes emoji*) 21 22 (for some final positivity)

1 - the character everyone gets wrong cedric the sorcerer. he deserves respect as a person, and the royal family was wrong to deny him that, but he does little to earn respect as royal sorcerer. 'oh he has such a good and relatable arc' whup tee doo his grand finale was... *checks notes* doing his job correctly. the one he's been training for his whole life. color me unimpressed by a character that should have either left that job YEARS ago or put a little effort into anticipating what he'd be asked to do and practicing instead of trying to prove his worth through stunts and domination.

2 - a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom can't do it lol, everyone's a verse in my mind

6 - which ship fans are the most annoying? shoutout to the time i went through the snape/lily tag and couldn't scroll 3 posts without a james/lily shipper trying to pull moral rank. however i think 75% of the hp fandom has ship rabies.

7 - what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them? eh, none, i don't let fandom influence my interpretations of characters that way. cedric is closest but the fandom misinterpretation is just an additional annoyance, rather than a driving force

8 - common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about 'cedric and sofia have a good relationship'. shipping or not, they're completely one-sided. what does cedric provide sofia with? he doesn't even listen to her particularly well.

12 - the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them to no one's surprise, my first pick here is wormwood from sofia the first. he was created as a joke, ha ha the pet is smarter than the human master, but then the show makes you judge him by human moral standards as the foil to cedric's 'deserving of second chances'. the show itself asks you to view a character that cannot leave servitude as human, and wants you to believe that his station is right. it's so deeply unfair. i care him. i respect him. i want to see him take the power of humanity for himself, abuse it, naturally, because that's all humans have ever done to him, then grow into a complete person when he realizes he cares despite it all. knowing that, i feel like mentioning areelu should come as no surprise. doing great evil in response to evil that was done to you? that's so up my alley. up my pussy even. making her bond with daeran of all people is such a great idea, someone who cannot forgive her, but must move on and work with her regardless. it seems like most people write her off as too evil to live, but she's still a super genius. there's a lot to be gained by befriending her. the gold dragon ""redemption"" happens so absurdly fast though. 'oh shit guess this is pretty fucked up, so glad you're a piss-colored lizard bc that's the only way i'd ever listen to you' wrath's writing in general has a bit of a quantity over quality issue. a lacking-logic issue. no way my azata would sacrifice herself just cuz without knowing what areelu will do once she's gone.

16 - you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc) - hero-type main characters in general. idk exactly what it is but i find most of them very dull, and often irritating. a lack of desires beyond duty? can't often be described as freaks? they just never have any footholds for interesting ideas to me. - gold aasimar cum. if you want something golden to come out of daeran's dick, you can just make him piss XD also does that imply his hair is naturally white? - daeran x chill/lawful/'boring' kcs - i can tell that on some level he wants the stability from people like that, but i can't see him actually bonding with them. esp not towards the start of the game. - truly, utterly pathetic meow meows. like, listen, i love shoving a character into a Situation and watching them flounder around, but they've gotta be proficient at something!

21 - part of canon you think is overhyped for just about everything: the worldbuilding. i think people get impressed by the mere existence of worldbuilding, rather than the quality of it. pf surprised me when i looked deeper into stuff and found it gave me the same 'this is a hot mess and i have to make shit up for it to make sense' feeling as stf. i expected better from a massive ttrpg but ok. for wrath, also the characters and the music. the characters rely on one-note personalities with maybe a ~hint~ of spice, with one extremely notable exception of daeran. the degree to which he beats out every other character in complexity is stunning, really. the music is... just fine? it's not amazing, it does exactly what you'd expect a track for that purpose to do. I think most of the tracks have muddy orchestration, too much focus on harmony/vibes and not enough on rhythm and melody. the one track i really love is 'a drink before the battle', it has a great flow and dynamics and i wish it played more often.

22 - your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores the villains/antagonists, best part of literally any media ever

[sentiospoot]

i know i never post Takes™️, but lately i've seen some people (mostly young people) say neurodivergent people can reclaim the r slur. i'm here to tell you right now: no, you can't.

i'm assuming good faith from the people doing this, that they're misinformed about this term or about the purpose and process of reclamation. to be clear, the r slur does not refer to neurodivergence in general. it never has. the r slur refers to a specific classification of cognitive disorders that are considered especially profound: high support/"low functioning" autism, down's syndrome, fragile x syndrome, particularly severe cases of fetal alcohol syndrome, etc. all disorders that are commonly referred to as "intellectual disabilities," which significantly impair the ability to learn and perform basic self-maintenance tasks. if you have been referred to by this term, and you do not have one of these disabilities, the intent was to insult you by associating you with those people, like a straight but effeminate man being called the f slur. i have been called the r slur as a neurodivergent person, but i know none of the people who said that thought i was "really" a r*****. they said it because they thought the comparison was degrading.

though i don't have an intellectual disability personally, i'm fairly qualified to speak on this subject. i have worked in disability advocacy and activism for years. i've consulted on federal disability policy initiatives. my family has a long history of intellectual disability, and i have three close family members who are considered profoundly intellectually disabled and will require lifelong support. i believe i can say with absolute confidence that their experiences are incomparable to most people with neurodivergence, including other people with specific learning disabilities like dyslexia or low-support/"high-functioning" autism. absolutely incomparable.

people with intellectual disabilities have completely different civil liberties from the majority of people with neurological or cognitive disabilities. in the united states, they have very few human rights. they cannot vote. they can't get married. they have no legal right to education and can be denied from public school. they are not protected by minimum wage and can work for free or for pennies. my cousin matt, a thirty year old man with down's syndrome, works a full time job for $2 an hour. on average, their lifespans are sixteen years shorter than the general population, due partly to the lack of accessible healthcare; many medical professionals lack training to treat and communicate with people with intellectual disabilities. in many parts of the country, they cannot bank, own property, or conduct business. even as adults they have very little legal power to overturn decisions made by their caregivers about their lives, including where they live and what level of independence they're given.

this is the community of people that campaigned for decades to take the r slur out of common usage. they are the people hurt by its pejorative use. this community has, broadly, remained firm that the term is unacceptable.

the reappropriation of slurs is a long cultural process wherein the intent is, generally, to neutralize the negative impact of the term by positively self-identifying with it. with the r slur, however, empowerment occurred through the opposite; the stigmatized group refused to self-identify with a term chosen for them, and demanded to be labeled something else, hopefully a term with more respect for their diversity as a community and for their basic human dignity.

the r slur fell out of common usage less than a decade ago. medical research and documentation are still transitioning from using this term to the term the community does self-identify with. the effort to eradicate the term is very much still in motion, and advocates are working hard to make sure it happens.

there is no good reason to use the r word, whether you are neurodivergent or not. it's an incredibly loaded word that targets some of the most vulnerable people in our society. for the purposes of disability activism, most people would be far better served by naming the specific disorder at hand when discussing narrower issues - calling themselves autistic, ADHD, schizophrenic - and using the umbrella term "disabled" for broader discussions. these diagnostic terms are stigmatized enough in their own right - and they really are in the process of being reclaimed by the communities they actually belong to.

people who are curious about intellectual disability activism and advocacy, i recommend checking out some of the resources available through the american association on intellectual and developmental disabilities, which places an emphasis on self-advocacy and civil rights.

i hope this was helpful to give some people context to the issue and its gravity. as always, show empathy, give respect, radiate love. peace.

[clairecrive]

Hi could we please get a really angsty fic with nikolai (with a happy ending pls) where reader and he has had a fight so they maintain the facade on the outside bc they're royals but in private it's just ignoring each other/angst?

Young Royals

A/N: ahh, this is angsty alright but it seems I'm only capable of writing hurt/comfort lately. This took a life of its own and it's long af but I hope you like it anyway x

Warnings: miscommunication, angst, fighting, hurt/comfort, Nikolai is a bit absent, you're a bit jealous of his relationship with Zoya

Tags: @jupiterandbutterflies, @agentsofsheilds , @for-bebbanburg , @randomoutsiders , @pansysgirlfriend , @hannaxmaria , @vintagebitc , @story-scribbler , @crowssixof , @odetostep,@lizzie-he4rts, @korol-lantsov, @subjecta13-thefangirl, @gallysonegoodlung, @a-c-lee, @mriddlemethis, @carnationworld,@thanossexual, @luvxginger, @sanna2020,@partiesandblurrypolaroids, @edithsvoice, @wafflesandschemingfaces (tag list form)

SHADOW AND BONE MASTERLIST

"Do not put words into my mouth, Nikolai."

"Please, you already have so many, my love," he scoffed and the use of the term of endearment hurt the most.

"You're making me sound like a brat while I'm providing you with a viable solution," you insisted with a flare of your hands, frustrated by his unwillingness to listen to you.

"No, you're not. What you're doing is being childish."

"I'm your queen, Nikolai. I'm only asking to be more involved."

"You're my wife, y/n, and you know nothing about politics or running a country." He retired, putting emphasis on wife. This felt a lot like being put into place. And the fact that it was your husband doing so, hurt. It was also the most you had seen him this week.

"Neither did Zoya, nor Genya or anyone who's currently running the country."

"That's different and you know it."

"Only because you're making it so," you exclaimed finally exploding. His despondency got on your nerves and this conversation was going nowhere anyway.

Surprised by your raise of voice, Nikolai stood before you just blinking at you.

Sighing, you took a step toward him, holding your hands up, "look, you're right, I don't know about running a country but teach me. I'm not stupid, I'll pick it up."

"Why are you insisting so much? You've never shown any interest in politics before." He gave you a puzzled look like he didn't really believe your intentions.

"I've never wanted to be queen before." before meeting you.

"Ah, I see," he chuckled mirthlessly, "I put you in this situation and now you're taking your revenge."

To insinuate that your marriage with him was you "being put into a situation" rather than a consensual decision you had made out of love was absurd.

Nikolai was right. You had never cared about politics or diplomacy before meeting him. You were a soldier. There was no reason for you to meddle with something that didn't concern you.

But now you were queen and you felt a responsibility towards your people. You wanted to help but so far, Nikolai hadn't allowed you to take part in any meetings. He said that anyone who needed to be there was already involved. What he didn't tell you was that while Grisha made excellent soldiers and even good councillors, one of them being a royal was a very different matter.

He had indulged his love for you by marrying you. You were his vice and he simply couldn't accept the idea of being without you anymore. He had married you, consequently making you queen, going against what his advisors told him.

While he ignored his warnings he was painfully aware, however, how difficult it was going to be for a Grisha on the throne. It was the first time something liked this had ever happened and unfortunately, the country was filled with people who resented Grisha for their powers.

Nikolai feared that the people were never going to accept you. Hence why he'd been keeping you secluded in the palace.

To be fair, you were doing a wonderful job. Like he had pointed out, you were not accustomed to politics but you made up for that with empathy and kindness. You started to interest yourself with the problem of poverty and lack of provisions for some parts of the country.

And while no one was aware of it, Nikolai often turned to you for military strategy. You were an apt soldier and had fought bravely alongside him and everyone else in the battle of the Fold. You were the very reason why he was still alive, to be honest.

While this arrangement worked for the first months of your reign, it was starting to feel an inadequate effort. You needed to do more, you wanted to do more. You didn't expect Nikolai to oppose it so vehemently.

"If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be, Nikolai, you'd do well to remember it," you pointed out coldly, straightening your spine.

"Since you seem so adverse at spending time with me or including me in important matters, I'll find someone else who will." And with that, chin held high, you walked out of the room.

You missed him. It felt absurd to say this but you missed your husband. He was always busy with meetings or official visits to some noble across the country. For most of them, he went alone or with Zoya.

You knew that she was his first in command but you couldn't help but be bothered by it. It was one thing to accept the fact that he hadn't given the role to you "because the queen cannot have that role as well", it was a whole other thing to accept the fact that another woman spent more time with your husband than you did.

Countless were the fights you had with him in this regard. But they were pointless. Nikolai was still set on not bringing you and he and Zoya were always found together.

You didn't know what hurt more. The blow at your pride for being denied a position you deserved because of who you loved, the jealousy or being punished for your identity.

One thing was sure though, it was getting too much. At first, you pulled thought for Nikolai but now that you didn't have him anymore, your efforts seemed to be in vain.

So, like you had told Nikolai, you looked for someone who was willing to teach you. You wanted to help and if Nikolai wasn't going to let you here at the palace, then you'd find somewhere else.

Count Kirigin had always been nice to you and he was a very generous host. You knew that he played a central role in Nikolai's plan so you thought that there was no one better than him.

You reached out to him, wrote him a letter in which you showed interest in his activity and asked him if he was willing to show you. Of course, anything that came from the queen or the king couldn't be denied but you knew that the Count truly enjoyed your company. If your position didn't put so much higher than everybody else, you'd even consider him a friend.

You waited for his reply before putting in motion the preparations for your departure.

In the meantime, you and Nikolai kept conducting your separate lives. Usually, you'd only see him at night when he returned to your chambers if you were still up. Now, you had decided to sleep in separate rooms too.

If he wanted a wife, then a wife he'd get. But kings and queens do not sleep together.

If the new arrangement was bothering him, you didn't know. He hadn't reached out to you nor made any move to rectify your decision.

Turns out that he wasn't even at the Palace. He had left for a mission near the border with Shu Han and wouldn't be back for at least a week. Well, then. Of course, he didn't even bother with telling you. Not even a small note.

Jokes on him though, you thought, since when he was going to come back, he'd finally get what he wanted. You weren't going to be there to bother him anymore.

Differently from him though, you did indeed left him a note. Nikolai found it a week after you had set it on his pillow. Its presence made him furrow his eyebrows since he had already been wondering where you were. You usually came out to meet him at the gates whenever he'd come back from a mission and even though you had fought before he went away, you weren't one for holding grudges. So e guessed there was something holding you.

Unfolding the paper he was met with your familiar chaotic writing.

"I don't know when you're going to find this letter but if I'm not there yet it means that I'm still at Count Kirigin's. Do not bother with writing or visiting, I'll come back when my business with him is done.

Y/n"

What in the name of every sweet loving saint???

The letter wasn't dated, no dear, no yours no nothing. Fuck. You were still mad or worse, hurt.

Asking one of the servants, he learned that you had been away for a week already. But what business could you possibly have with the Count??

Nikolai had nothing against him. Seeing Kirigin get all flustered as he tried to flirt with Zoya amused him to no end but the idea of him and you in the same house? Alone?? Unacceptable.

Not even bothering to change clothes after his long journey, Nikolai headed to the stables to ask for a well-rested horse. Luckily, Count Kirigin's estate was not too far away. A couple of hours ride.

Turns out that the Count had a lot to teach. Despite his aloof reputation and extravagant clothes, he was very observant. He lacked ambition, which was why Nikolai trusted him and had a curious way of behaving in social situations.

But Emil had been born and raised in high society. He knew how things were run even if he had no desire to be in charge of them.

So far, you'd be having a wonderful time. Emil was a wonderful host, as you remembered, but without Nikolai's presence, he was even more extravagant. He had an unexpectedly dry sense of humour and a never-ending list of jokes.

Being in the open and in the company of someone who saw y/n instead of the Queen of Ravka proved to be even more needed than you thought. You felt reinvigorated and much lighter than you'd ever been.

You had also been learning a lot. Emil had been teaching you about diplomacy. About the best ways of formulating a sentence so that you wouldn't offend anyone but still get what you wanted. He had also been talking to you about your husband's ministers. About their weaknesses and vices and what was the best way to approach them to get what you wanted.

So far, it was proving to be a wonderful decision to come here.

Whenever your mind strayed on Nikolai, you willed it to focus on something else. You didn't know if he had already come home or seen the letter. A part of you thought that if he had, he would at least write one back. But the thought felt a lot like hope and seeing as how little he saw you even before you left, you didn't think it safe to harbour it.

When Nikolai reached the estate, he was met with Kirigin's servants. They welcomed him inside and profusely apologised for the Count's absence. They told him that at this time of the day, Kirigin and his guest would usually go out on a ride but that they were also about to return.

So Nikolai waited, sitting in the most comfortable chair the Count owned, fuming at the thought that his wife had felt the need to go away and be in the company of another man.

"If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be Nikolai. You'd do well to remember it."

Your words haunted him. They were the last thing that you told him. How stupid had he been to let you walk away. How utterly careless of him to disregard you like that.

He had promised himself to truly talk to you about it once this pressing matter of state was taken care of. Apparently, he had waited too long.

But Nikolai knew that the problem was at the source. He noticed how hurt you had been when he made Zoya his first in command. Or how sad you seemed everywhere he went somewhere with her and didn't ask you to join.

He was doing so to protect you from the inevitable slander you'd be met with. He should have known though that putting you aside was going to be even worse. You were a fighter just as much as Zoya was, if not stronger.

She hid behind her veil of indifference and superiority while you had never lost that emphatic verve that made everyone love you so much. In his attempt to make you safe, he had only managed to hurt you.

You were a warrior. You had accepted the role of queen only because it was the only way for you to be with Nikolai. And instead of praising you by making you a warrior queen, he had decided to hide you away.

Well, no more.

If his mistakes had not ruined everything already, he was going to make everything better.

Lost in his musing, he didn't hear the sound of hooves approaching but he did indeed hear your laugh. It immediately brought him back to the present and a wave of ugly jealousy hit him.

He couldn't remember the last time he made you laugh.

"I shouldn't even laugh Emil, the joke was terrible," Nikolai hear you giggling from somewhere in the hall. So now he was Emil, huh.

"You know you can't resist my charm, your highness," Emil replied and Nikolai had to call on every bit of his self-control to not barge out of the room and punch him.

"Stop it, you know you can call me y/n."

Before Emil could reply, they had both made it to the sitting room where Nikolai was waiting for them. It looked like no one had warned them of his presence because Kirigin looked surprised then utterly mortified.

"Your majesty, I wasn't aware you were here. Please forgive me for making you wait."

"Don't fret Kirigin, it was an impromptu visit. I came to see how my lovely wife was doing." No matter how green he was feeling right now, he knew that Kirigin was loyal to him and the crown. Whatever was happening here wasn't one of his schemes.

"Of course! I'm going to send for some tea while you two get reunited." Kirigin quickly bowed before hurrying out of the room.

Nikolai met your eyes for the first time since you had arrived. If at first, you were surprised to see him, now you couldn't help but be a bit sceptical about this visit.

"What are you doing here?" you asked breaking the ice.

"You leave with only a few lines on where you're going and you expect me to just accept it?" He scoffed, his hands curling on the armrests of the chair.

"It's more than what you gave me," you quipped, crossing your arms on your chest.

Nikolai sighed while his gloved hands run through his hair. You were right and he knew it. He had been a horrible husband lately.

"I know you're mad at me, honey, but listen-"

"I'm not mad. You didn't want to give me what I wanted so I went looking for it somewhere else." Scrolling your shoulders, you interrupted him without meeting his eyes. A list of excuses was not what you wanted nor what you needed from him.

Nikolai didn't miss the innuendo. His jaw clenched, his hands closed in fists. But he willed himself to stay calm.

"You think Kirigin can give you something that I can't?" Nikolai was a master in diplomacy. Never did he get frustrated or angry or raised his voice, even with the most aggravating people. Here though, with you, he didn't have to keep a façade. He spoke through his teeth barely containing his anger.

"Well, so far, he's been giving me attention and interesting pointers that no, Nikolai, you refused to give me."

"So this is how you solve your problems? Running away in the countryside with Emil?" Nikolai sneered, his tone souring around Kirigin's name.

"Don't you do the same with your precious first in command?" Tired after your ride with Emil, you plopped down on the chair in front of Nikolai's. Completely ignoring his tone, you pointed out calmly. The perfect image of aloofness even when it was the last thing you were in this moment.

"That's different," he snapped trying to meet your eyes that were carefully analyzing your hands.

"Yes," you signed, "it seems that when I'm concerned everything is different."

"There's nothing between me and Zoya, y/n and you know it." Nikolai was getting more frustrated by the second. He came here to apologize, to make things right and so far, the conversation was going in the opposite directions.

"Maybe now, but you spend more time with her than you do with me. It's only a matter of time before it happens and you're sorely mistaken if you think I'll just stand by and watch."

"This is not about Zoya," he insisted but so far, he wasn't getting the reaction out of you he wanted. You seemed... resigned at the situation. And that worried Nikolai to no end.

"It never is."

"Why did you run away?" Opting for a more direct approach, he bit the bullet and went straight to the point.

"I did not run away," you scoffed in contempt at his choice of words, "I told you I wanted to do more and Emil is teaching me. Not everyone is so against spending time with me, you know." You shot him a glance.

It was the first time that you had looked at him since you had been left alone.

"I married you, y/n. How can you possibly believe I don't want to spend time with you?" As desperation slipped through his words, Nikolai leaned towards you in his seat. As if he couldn't bear the distance between you anymore. But you knew it wasn't that. You and he had been distant for months now.

"Because that's what's happening, Nikolai," you clipped back and Nikolai had to refrain from wincing at your tone.

"It's not intentional, my love, I've just been busy." His tone softened. It was a poor excuse of an apology but it was sadly the truth.

"But when I say that I want to join or help you with it you strongly oppose?" Again, there was that suspicious implication in your words that Nikolai just couldn't stand. To think that you believed he'd ever cheat on you with another woman when he had done so much, taken so many risks, to be with you.

"It's not what you think, y/n." He insisted again but immediately realized he had said the wrong thing when he saw you leaning back into your chair shaking your head.

"I don't think anything, anymore. Do whatever you want. You do your thing and I'll do mine. I won't be a bother to you anymore." Holding up your hands, you gestured as you spoke.

A beat. Nikolai froze in his seat at what you were suggesting.

"You're never a bother to me. Never." He leaned even forwards in his chair, basically only propping on it now. The desperation was now clear in his voice. He reached out to you to try and take hold of your hands but you were too distant.

"I love you more than anything in this world and if you think that I'm going to let you go without a fight, you're sorely mistaken." The steel determination of his words caught you off guard. Nikolai was strong-headed, you knew that better than anyone else, but it had been a long while since that determination had been directed to you.

"You already did." It was barely a whisper. The sad truth about your reality, the downfall of your relationship. The wavering of your voice, the pain in your eyes were enough to tip Nikolai off the edge.

"Milaya, please."He fell onto his knees in front of you. Leaning forward he reached for your hands that he could now hold. "I'm sorry. I put you in a difficult position when I married you and I tried my best to protect you."

"I don't need protecting, Nikolai, especially if it's by pushing me away."

"I was keeping you away from danger and I know that you're strong and capable but I hate to think of you as the object of public slander." His eyes darted between yours, frantic, desperate to make you understand.

"I'm Grisha, Nikolai. It's nothing new to me," you pointed out but then it hit you.

"By difficult position, you meant a Grisha Queen, didn't you?" Your eyes hardened at the implications, your hands going slack in his hold. You would have pulled them away if Nikolai didn't tighten his hold.

"Please, do not think I'm regretting my choice or I think you're not worthy of the title because that's not true." Pulling your hands, he tried to get you closer to him. "I fear that there will be repercussions among the people." And there it was, at last, the truth.

"And among your ministers," you added remembering Emil's lessons on the people at court and their role.

You scoffed when he stayed silent. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought I was doing the right thing, my love."

"So Zoya can handle it and I can't?"

"For the millionth time," he groaned, "I don't care about Zoya."

"I only care about you and I know you can handle it. I just didn't want you to. You deserve happiness and peaceful life and I know it's impossible to have in this saints' forsaken country but I can at least try." His eyes lowered in shame and his confession sent a pang through your heart. You took a moment to take in what he said.

Never had you thought about the possibility of Nikolai's distance was a form of protection. You were a soldier of the Second Army, after all. But being a queen, especially a Grisha one, was a delicate thing.

It was the first time in history that something like this happened. Nikolai's worries were not unfounded since even after the destruction of the Fold, anti-Grisha movements were spreading fast.

It was sad to see the General's attempt of assuring safety for Grisha, provoking exactly the opposite thing.

"Oh, Kolya," returning his grip, you leaned towards him, "I just want a life with you by my side."

"As do I. I want you always and forever but above all, I want you safe. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, you know it right?"

"I just ask that you tell me the truth and let me play the role I've been given."

"It's not going to be easy. People at court-"

"I know. That's why I'm here. Emil's been teaching."

"Well, no more. I'm going to take care of it from now on."

"Is this a promise or a threat?"

"Rest assured my love, the difference between the two is almost nonexistent." He flashed you a smirk and you couldn't help but smile at him. Here it was, your beloved Nikolai.

"Things are going to change, aren't they?" you murmured softly as he gently rested his forehead against yours.

"We're going to show everyone what a "power couple" is." Here was his promise. Sealed with the gentlest nudging of his nose to yours. The action made you smile and your heart soar. You missed these little moments of intimacy with him.

One of his hands came to cradle your face as the other kept hold of your left hand. Your rings softly clicked as they touched. A form of reassurance.

"I love you, y/n."

"And I you, Kolya."

You were completely lost in your little bubble, even more so when Nikolai's lips finally met yours, that you had forgotten where you were. And that there was an embarrassed Kirigin outside the door waiting for the right moment to come in with tea.

[quiteriana]

speculation

not to be a Dumb Bitch but Silver is constantly suppressing himself and watering himself down, so much so that it's to the point where he appears so numb and apathetic because he really doesn't know himself or know his own personality and instead tries to find himself through the people in his life that he values. He tries to do what others wish him to do, and be who others wish him to be. He lacks his own motivations and individuality, and instead, he takes on the motivation of those around him, trying to fill himself with somebody else (the people he values), for he feels as though he, himself, isn’t worth much among others. He hallows out his own identity and numbs away every emotion because he feels as though he is too inedequate and then fills those voids with other people of who, to him, are the most valuable and vital in his eyes.

That "person he values" is Malleus. It's literally Malleus and idc how you interpret their relationship, you CANNOT DENY that Silver is bending himself to what he perceives is Malleus's need.

Silver values Lilia as well, but with Lilia it's different because he... loves him. They love each other, and Silver knows that he will always recieve unconditional love from Lilia, and his [Silver's] own love is shown through the way he tries so hard not to cause trouble for Lilia and how he wishes so badly for his happiness and health. Silver and Lilia love each other and they know that the other loves them (how could they not?) so Silver doesn't really have much reason to... "bend himself to the liking of Lilia" because they have such a strong foundation within one another.

But with Malleus, it isn't like that. Not at all. Silver doesn't know if he will always receive approval by Malleus, but he views him so highly, he values him so much, and he wants that approval, and thus he tries so hard to be that person he thinks Malleus needs him to be. He loses himself in the identity of a "royal guard" because he thinks that's the role he's meant to fill, and he replaces his entire person with that mere duty. He doesn't realize that his role of a guard is just a part of who he is and not the entirety, and he waters down all other aspects of himself to cling to this one identity until he's empty.... Seriously, he is almost nobody outside of this role. How do you guys not see that this is what he's doing to himself...

Silver replaces his own desires and dreams (and really... his personality) with his duty and role of serving Malleus in attempt to overcome that inevitable feeling of being less than and insignificant among all those that he’s grown up around, and among everything he's ever known (being a human among faes... try and tell me that didn’t screw with his esteem when he was young). He goes about life so passively, and so peacefully, for he wishes only to do as he must to please the people he admires so much. He hollows out and waters down his own desires so as not to be inconvenient for Lilia, who he adores, and Malleus, who he devotedly dedicates himself to. He loses himself and he forgets himself; he falls asleep to himself in the sense of his apathy and (the lack of truly feeling) his own emotions; filling his personality with his duty, and erasing the line between them while simultaneously trying to keep peace everywhere he stumbles, trying so hard not to be an inconvenience. Pushing himself further down, denying himself until he’s lost himself because somewhere in his life, he became so worried about displeasing and losing the ones he loves and views so highly because of the person he truly is, and he (unknowingly) combats this by suppressing his own desires and his own person, and instead replacing all of that with the qualities he thinks are more valuable for the role he feels he must fill for Malleus.

In terms of motivation, with Silver being around Sebek so much, he has most likely turned Sebek's motivation into his own since they have the same goal [to protect Malleus]. In a way, Silver feeds off the energy and passion that Sebek exudes for his role as a guard, and he uses that to get him through his position of the same role. By pretending and truly believing that Sebek's motivation is also his own motivation, he's able to continue and continue persevering in this duty he's been raised to fill. But it isn't his own. Sebek's goals are not Silver’s goals and their passions are not the same, but Silver has likely been watering down his own self for so long that he does not even see this or realize.

And he keeps on endlessly tuning himself more and more into what he thinks Malleus needs him to be. Because Malleus is the most important authority in his life; that's what he's been raised to believe, and thus he tries so hard to fit the mold of what Malleus needs in seek of approval and closeness to the person who's been made so important to him--so much that he pushes aside his own desires and his own personality in order to make room for whatever qualities he thinks Malleus needs. And unconsciously, he ends up incorporating bits of Malleus into himself and his own identity more and more because of this value that he's placed on him. Silver's forever glare? His subtly similar haircut to Malleus? These aren't him; these are not aspects of who Silver truly is or expressions of his own personality; these are things that he's lost himself in and has tried to take on the qualities of who he values because he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't know himself. And the saddest thing is that he's likely not even aware that he is doing all this; it happens so unconsciously as a result of seeing little value in his own self.

For the sake of trying to make a clear point, I'm going to try and compare Silver to the other two hero-based characters: Rook and Kalim. Rook and Kalim, themselves, are actually very, very similar in my opinion in terms of their positivity, endless optimism, and their ability and desire to make others feel valued and recognized. Silver and Kalim are both kind hearted and gentle, but Kalim is obviously much more forward than Silver. Kalim actually has... personality. He has his motivations and he has his interests and he has the things he feels passionately about. Silver... doesn't. He doesn't have those things of his own. He shares with Kalim kindness and a desire to please others, but he lacks all ambition to act in the ways his heart desires; he doesn't even know what his heart desires. Probably, he has never thought of it before, as his role and his future was always right there for him: to be Malleus's guard and protector, and he accepted that with no refute, he accepted it happily and he put his efforts into being... what other people told him to be. Kalim is similar in that he easily accepts and goes along with the suggestions of others; he is also quite easily influenced by others, but he is his own person as well... he is his own person while Silver has lost who he is. (Silver is literally the lyrics "I do as I am told until I don't know who I want to be")

And for Rook. I actually see a lot more similarity between Silver and Rook. They are both peace-loving people; however Rook is a peacemaker while Silver is a peacekeeper. Rook goes out of his way to make peace and mediate between refuting people (Vil and Epel). He does so in a way that makes both parties seem heard and valued, and he does not stop until he has done so. He is stubbornly persistent in making peace, which is really such a wonderful thing in my opinion. Silver is almost there. He possesses the same desire and ache to have peace, but he does not work so hard for it. When he sees people opposing, he does try to say something to mediate, but as soon as someone bites back and refuses that peace he's trying to bring, he keeps silent. He says nothing more. He does this as a way to not further contribute to the conflict (because if he tries to mediate where it isn't desires, that will just cause more problem). He is so so so passive that he does not push through with the good things he is trying to do, and he settles instead for simply keeping some of that peace instead of going through and creating it where it needs to be. He settles for less than what he aims for in fear if creating more conflict.

Do you see what I'm trying to say? Even Silver's valuable and strong qualities (his compassion and kindness and ability to mediate between others) are being washed away by himself and himself only because these qualities are so different from what he sees in the people he values [MALLEUS], and so he doesn't think they're important or useful and he finds them even meaningless because these qualities are his and his alone; they are different and apart from the rest of the Diasomnia members but it's BECAUSE the others lack them that he sees them as invaluable. He sees himself and he sees his differences as bad things, and so he tries to rid of them and rid of himself to instead be more like the people he does value. He completely washes away all of his individuality (even the GOOD things that make him STRONGER than others) because he doesn't want to deviate or be too different from the people he values. He is pushing himself down, he is watering himself away, he is numbing every ability for the sake of filling himself with the needs of others [again, Malleus!]

I also want to briefly compare Kalim/Rook/Silver in terms of their grounded-ness. I feel as though all three of them are not quite in touch with reality. Kalim, I think, is quite capable of really living and feeling in the present moment, but his lack of sense-of-reality comes when he thinks too positively of things, not quite grasping the density of the things around him. Rook, I think, is very similar, but he is more aimless and less present. I think he stumbles without any real direction, but he focused his mind on seeing beauty (sight... paying attention to any of the 5 senses assists in grounded-ness, at least for me), but I feel like he could also get too much in his head at times and lose that stability in favor of gravity. But, it's temporary, and I think he is able to pull himself into reality quite easily when need be. However, with Silver, he... exceeds aimlessness. It's haziness, as if going through life in a fog. Only half-alive. Not just sleeping most the time, but even awake, his mind is out of focus and lost. He is not just out of touch with reality, he is out of touch with himself, and unlike Kalim and Rook, he has no energy or presence anywhere at all. "Almost always everywhere, never quite anywhere." That's how he lives his life. Asleep and half-alive.

Silver is honestly... a vacant shell for others people to flow through him. For others, this is good because they benefit from it, but for himself it's horrible because he numbs himself with it--his own emotions and even his sense of self. He becomes empty of his own identity, filled instead with the energy of others. Completely groundless and succumbing entirely to the gravity of his mind.

Not to mention that sleepiness is a common trait of people who regularly suppress their own personalities. Though they might not do much actively, they still take up a lot of their own energy to be that shell for others to fill, and they also stress themselves by doing this as well but their apathy and detachment from reality doesn't allow them to properly feel that stress, so it translates instead into tiredness and sleepiness, and it's actually common for these kinds of people to be napping most of the day. It's also literally "falling asleep" to their own desires and ambitions, their own feelings and own identity. It's a way of numbing themselves in order to be filled by others; like this is literally a real thing that happens to people, and I have no doubt in my mind that this is what's happening to Silver as well.

ALSO HIS NAME. his name is... Silver. That's all. No last name, no way of saying exactly where he belongs. Simple, bland, and separate from everyone. Just Silver. It's literally just his hair color. There's no sentimental significance in his name at all. And he... accepts this. He accepts this as his only identification with no question or fight.

I know this seems like such a minor detail and that I'm maybe looking too deep into it, but I promise you I am not. I promise there is more to his name than just "a fairy couldn't choose a name for a baby human". Sure, that's likely where the name came from, but the fact that Silver at his current age just accepts this holds so much significance. It shows that he. does. not. care. He does not care about who he is. He does not care about his own person; he has completely washed away his own identity that calling him "Silver" is good enough for him. No meaning behind it. Just an empty word to be addressed by. Do you understand how sad this is? He sees himself as nothing special--so much to the point where he almost becomes... nobody... for he waters down every individual thing about himself so that others can fill him instead.

How do y'all not see this in Silver... Seriously how do y'all not see this in Silver?? this is who he is; he is so empty and void because he is constantly hallowing himself out for the sake of others really HOW DO YOU NOT SEE he is drowning himself... Silver is drowning

I'm sorry agaksgahsk I know this was way longer than maybe necessary but thank you so much for sticking to the end 💗

Also, I'm really not trying to... enforce my ideas about Silver onto anyone. People have their own ways of interpreting characters (especially since we don't really know much about Silver as of yet), and I totally get it. Every interpretation is beautiful; I want you to know. I'm just trying to get my own thoughts out there in the hopes that someone else might also understand and agree. To me, this is the truth of who he is 💗💗 but anything can be possible! thank you for reading this

[thejustmaiden]

Jaken = Rin's Dad?

Okay, is this how a daughter treats their so-called father?

Most definitely not.

Rin and Jaken's relationship clearly screams of your typical sibling rivalry punctuated with cute and silly moments of playful bickering.

Yes, Jaken may technically be her main provider, but that doesn't necessarily equate to him being more of a father than Sesshomaru. If anything, he demonstrates more of a brotherly love towards her. As we all know, parents (which Sesshomaru embodies more based on real life patterns and parallels) will leave their older more capable children in charge of looking after their younger brothers and sisters. In this case, that would mean making Jaken responsible for watching over Rin and protecting her if need be. Ah-Un offers protection, too. Think of it as Jaken as the big brother and Ah-Un as the family dog who are babysitting while Sesshomaru as the parent of the household is away at work or taking care of business. I mean, they literally fit that description to a tee and I'm dying at the accuracy of it all! 🤣👌

[Quick! Someone write up a modern au where Sesshomaru finally gets out to have a nice date night but everything goes wrong in the most spectacular way. Like maybe Rin and Jaken catch a ride on Ah-Un to go spy!]

I recently revisited some episodes from The Final Act, and I couldn't believe how many moments like this there were where Rin got after Jaken or when she would "put him in his place" so to speak. Obviously, all of it is mostly harmless. I was only surprised by how often it occurred, not to mention how Jaken would just stand there and take it. Towards a supposed father figure, Rin's behavior is downright unacceptable. There's a certain level of respect a child is expected to show their parents/guardians, and that's just not what I'm witnessing here between them. Like at all.

Rather their dynamic has the nature of some sibling relationships like I mentioned above. So I really wish fans would stop pretending otherwise, because based on what we know of father-daughter relationships- healthy ones at least- they don't appear anything like what Jaken and Rin have. If you could please provide me other examples of where we've seen similar portrayals in fiction or in real life, then perhaps I can get on board.

Look, that doesn't have to mean that because Jaken isn't her father then Sesshomaru must be. They can both be her caretakers without necessarily filling that traditional father role. I'm just saying that if we're going to start assigning titles to characters, let's make sure we are accurate and truthful in our assessments. If you're going to label anyone Rin's dad, then it needs to be Sesshomaru. Jaken doesn't have precedence over him in terms of fatherly attributes, that just wouldn't make sense.

After all, this isn't about what you want to see, this is about what Rin very likely sees. It's safe to assume that she views Sesshomaru more like a father than she does Jaken. She knows she's safe with him (broadly speaking lol) and that he'll come for her no matter what. That sense of security and comfort is what a child seeks and what they should always feel in a parent's presence. She trusts and even idolizes him, just as a young and innocent child tends to do with their parents. At that age, parents are perfect and could do no wrong in their child's eyes. Idk about you, but this describes perfectly how Rin is around Sesshomaru.

Rin adores him and will follow him anywhere- yes, even into danger! That's what the innocence and unconditional love of a child will bring them to do if necessary. Fortunately, at the end of The Final Act we learn Sesshomaru takes Kaede's advice when he realizes that leaving Rin with her in the village is in her best interests. That way she'd be able to lead a more normal and safer life alongside other humans. Remember, Sessrin shippers, that doesn't mean he wasn't still a part of her life and didn't witness her become a young woman over the years right before his very eyes. Therefore, if they eventually do become romantically involved, then most if not all of those gifts had intimate and seductive intentions and it essentially constitutes as child grooming.

I understand from a Sessrin shipper's point of view why it'd be so much easier to claim Jaken as the father. In doing so, they diminish Sesshomaru's role in her upbringing. By refusing to acknowledge the real role he had in helping raise Rin (short periods can be crucial and impressionable too esp. in a child's early years so yes they did assist in raising her not only Kaede), these shippers are better able to justify how their filial-like relationship evolved into a romantic one. So yeah, I get it, if I were a Sessrin shipper I'd probably do the same. It's one of the more plausible arguments available to them, after all. "Let's pin Jaken as the father to fend off antis!" is the best chance they've got, but even so, it's still not good enough. But if you insist Jaken is indeed like a father to Rin, then Sesshomaru is most certainly one too. Who says she can't have two fathers anyway?

The thing is however much you want to deny or downplay what Sesshomaru truly means to Rin and vice versa, nothing will ever change or hide the truth of the matter. Please, stop acting like they're only traveling companions and nothing more. Some of y'all even go so far as to say that they're like strangers. Knowing potentially little about a person is not equal to a lack of love and affection. Making big assumptions such as this to defend your ship is actually doing you more harm than good. Let me elaborate.

According to your reasoning, if that's all Rin ever was to him was a companion and Sesshomaru had no real attachment to her, then what precisely is the basis of your ship? Recall that Adult!Rin doesn't exist yet, thus we have no real idea what she will be like or if she's even alive. So how can you make comments like that but then go on later to say "they have such a unique and unbreakable bond" or "only Rin can be the mother because she's the only human he ever cared for" if all that time spent traveling together didn't amount to much in the first place like you claimed to believe beforehand? Do you see how your rationalizing is confusing?

Contrary to what some of you may think, I'm not just saying all this because I'm an anti and I'm obligated to disagree with you, or whatever other excuse you want to tell yourself. Believe it or not, I'm attempting to give as unbiased and objective of an analysis I can based on widely accepted interpretations of family dynamics, development, and any history we know of.

Of course I respect that at times fans will perceive things differently since that's bound to happen. What's hard for me to wrap my head around however is the unwillingness of some fans- not exclusively Sessrin shippers- to apply basic common sense and sound judgment to their observations and deductions.

Looking at all our facts, then taking the small handful of scenes Sesshomaru and Rin do share together into account, one can logically conclude that their dynamic is akin to one found in a typical parent-child relationship. If you still fail to recognize Sesshomaru as a parent to Rin, then that's fine too. In the end, that won't really change the fact that he'd still take on a role resembling an adult figure overseeing a young child's care and protection. Be it as a vassal, guardian, what have you. Plus, nobody is saying here that Sesshomaru doesn't make mistakes regarding Rin's general well-being, but so do all parents. Overall, I think the majority of us agree that Rin is in good hands. Whether it's in his direct company or in his occasional supervision from his frequent visits to the village.

In other words, it doesn't really matter what exact title you assign him in relation to Rin, as the distribution of power is all inherently the same with any and all adult-child relationships. That bond never changes once you've established it either, seeing as it's a special kind of connection one can only form with a child and a child alone.

I was a teacher for a few years, and speaking from personal experience, you don't need to be a parent, per se, to take on a role of authority in a child's life. I know without a doubt that I could never and will never view any of those kids I taught in a sexual/romantic light later down the road; yes, not even once they become grown-ups who are independent and more than capable of making their own decisions. Those of you who disagree are usually missing the whole point though, because we're not trying to dictate what Adult!Rin can and cannot do like many tend to accuse of us doing. This isn't a question of taking away from her autonomy nor does it fall under "purity culture," which is why people shouldn't continue jumping to these outrageous conclusions and really listen for a change. You're deflecting from the real issue here when you choose to misinterpret what we're saying by ignoring the problem we're actually referring to. You cannot present a valid counter-argument if you persist in twisting our words.

Bottom line: once these kids become old enough to pursue a sexual/romantic relationship, of course they have that right if they're ready. All we're trying to say is you guys ought to stop pushing forward this it's-completely-normal-to-want-to-bang-your-adoptive-dad-since-you're-an-adult-and-can-do-as-you-please agenda and not expect backlash. Ship it if you want, but please stop acting like their romance would be the epitome of a pure and healthy relationship.

Sesshomaru may not wear his heart on his sleeve, but it's foolish to presume he didn't actually care about Rin during their whole time together just because he didn't openly express his feelings until the very end. Surely everybody can comprehend that people handle and process their emotions differently. The way Sesshomaru chooses to is completely valid for the most part, so let's cut him some slack regarding this already.

What I'm trying to get at is that any child whose life you played an influential role in will always be a kid in a lot ways to you even when they're old and wrinkly. Just as they will always picture you as the loved one who guided and protected them when they were most vulnerable and couldn't always fend for themselves. Can't we relate this to children we know personally and apply it accordingly?

Finally, I want to end on this note. Could you kindly take a look at these two images below for a second?

The reason I ask is because of something I recently read that's relevant to the topic. There was this pro-sessrin tweet I saw that stated Rin trying to take care of Sesshomaru when they first met is what a mom would do for a child, which in their opinion, translates to Rin being more like a mother than a daughter if anything.

First off: are you freaking kidding me????

Seriously, so now children aren't allowed to tend to their sick or injured parents?! Parents are apparently superhuman and shouldn't be offered a helping hand from a child, even if they mean well and want to help their parent who's in pain?? Now this Twitter user was mostly being a smartass, but at the same time, it was evident they genuinely thought they offered a valid enough point that warranted no further explanation or clarification.

Secondly, by saying this Sessrin fans don't seem to realize that in actuality they're contradicting themselves and proving the point we've been trying to make all along. Glancing at the first picture and moving down to the second, the role of the one being cared for and the caretaker is reversed. So then by their own logic, Sesshomaru IS in fact like a father to Rin.

What it comes down to is the names you give to the roles these characters play aren't as crucial as the dynamic they share. The specific characteristics of that dynamic are what define the importance of said role, not so much the name in the role itself. So real father or not, Sesshomaru and Rin clearly mean a lot to each other. Close relationships are defined and solidified by the devotion and belonging they have to one another, not solely by the duration of time spent together and their proximity.

Well, that's a wrap! I hope you guys got something outta this blog, and that you enjoyed or found some portions of it interesting. I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject from this fandom, but only engage in conversation if you plan to be respectful. Thank you!

[harry-sussex]

You're lovely, and I enjoy seeing your blog on my dashboard. I'm sorry this has been such a difficult thing to process. It's always really difficult to rework an image of someone you once thought you knew. However I'd like to just put it out there - sometimes (I think the large majority of the time) news is presented in the most sensationalist way, such that nowadays I make a point of de-sensationalizing any news I read in my head. In the case of the whole Harry's memoir thing- I can sympathize with Harry as a person possibly just wanting to take back some control of the narrative for himself. Not just in the most recent events with family (that I tend to think are less horrifying than the fandom/Twitter sussex squad discusses it anyway), but in all aspects of his life. I do not at all think he's going to put his family on blast. I can easily imagine Meghan reigning that dialogue in; she has the tendency to think before she speaks that he seems to lack. And he loves his family. Similar to The Interview promos, I imagine the publishing house knew to increase the interest by implying it to be a tell all memoir. I think he's just done a lot of growing up that he didn't know he had to do over a short period of time, esp re: implicit bias/racism in the setting of media's blatant attack on someone he loves, and is disappointed by the institution's and his family's response to it. I think he's emerged a more introspective and aware human, albeit a disillusioned one. Yes it breaks my heart to think that Meghan won't get a break from the tabloids any time soon. If I were him I'd counsel him to write it & sit on it for a few yrs. But I don't want to give the media the power to destroy Meghan in my mind, and I pray she & Harry won't either. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong one, and I think he's able to draw that same link for himself and be thoughtful about what he does. No one likes being misunderstood/misinterpreted, and I wouldn't be surprised if Harry's especially triggered by that given his history with the press. Maybe this idea emerged from therapy, idk. I can empathize with that, even if I wouldn't do it myself. I hope and pray Meghan gets the support she needs from him and her loved ones in the meantime. I'm honestly not going to read it. I think the less attention I give the BRF the better off they are, unless they're doing something immoral/illegal (see: Woking pizza alibi). And I think at the end of the day, people will unfairly judge other people, especially public figures that have tragic pasts and are publically fighting with the media. A lot of it is going to be noise and I'm not going to give my energy into figuring it out. I like to think I've got a good sense of who they are as people - flawed but ultimately well meaning and earnest. I'm a huge admirer of Meghan and think Harry got really lucky with this one and I'm proud of him for choosing her in more ways than one. I believe Harry and Meghan are lovely people, and I 100% believe their interview. I believe that there are people in the palace with a lot of unchecked power who deliberately uncovered her and Archie from BRF protection for reasons of believed superiority over Meg & Arch. And they're figuring out how to deal with that as a couple and a family. And it's none of my business past that imo. I pray for them and hope it'll eventually end in peace for them all. Just wanted to add another perspective, and hopefully some levity. xx M

Hi, dear. First thing’s first, I really appreciate that this is off anon lol. I love it when people own their opinions, and it says a lot that you did. So thank you for that.

Second of all, I really appreciate the nuance and perspective that is in this message. I agree that the news is sensationalist, and my initial reaction was based off of that. I did watch the promotional clips of the interview and I believe it did sour my expectations going into it when I watched it nearly a week after it aired. I did my best to stay away from Tumblr because I didn’t want that to hinder my view, but it was impossible to separate the promotions that presented the information one way from what it actually was, and thank you for bringing that up with respect to the memoir because I hadn’t considered it. I will say that my knee jerk reaction is pretty on par with the way I still feel about it 24 hours later, especially since I got the news directly, not from Tumblr or Twitter or anywhere else, but you’re right that it could have soured my view from the very start.

I appreciate that he wants to take back some of the narrative but I think that ship has sailed, tbh. He did that with the interview and now I just think it feels like information overload. At some point, people are going to get tired of hearing the wealthy, privileged, powerful Prince complain about his life while more than 4 million people have died due to a global pandemic in less than 2 years. Not to say that he doesn’t struggle - in the words of Roxane Gay, there is no oppression Olympics (and that can be extended to struggle Olympics) - but people view it that way and will get tired of it, if they haven’t already.

I also agree that Harry’s past with the press has tarnished the way he has handled the media and the public post-exit, when he’s finally in a position to strike back without being somewhat obliged to them as part of the circumstances of his birth. I understand and sympathize with him but I just don’t think the public does, and the public matters much, much more than the perspective of one single American fan, to whom he’s never been obliged, and I simply do not think the public will afford him that same understanding, sympathy, and leniency. The public and the media are critical to his humanitarian work - his mother never realized that towards the end of her life, and I truly don’t think she would have been the martyr/saint she is perceived to be now if she had lived, because she did not know how to meet the media in the middle and eventually that started to piss people off. He’s starting to piss people off now and if it doesn’t bother him personally (which it definitely does), I don’t want it to affect his causes. The Invictus Games, Sentebale, Walking with the Wounded, WellChild, Mayhew, Smartworks, Archewell, etc. deserve better than to suffer the wrath of the media and an apathetic public because their patrons simply will not shut up lol.

I guess my point is that they will be unfairly judged (regardless, but especially due to the way they’re handling things), and I think it would suit them better in the long run if they adopted a different strategy. I really sympathize with the fact that he feels frustrated with the narrative that has been manufactured but I really, really think the narrative will only get worse and worse as he continues to go on and on about how badly his life sucks, basically. Again, I don’t deny that he struggles - we all do, some more than others, especially when there are mental health issues - but the public, to me, simply does not care. My own therapist has told me to simply stop caring about the things that I discuss with him. Not to say that they’re not relevant, important, or worthy of discussion - they absolutely are - but his point is that you cannot change people and you are wasting your energy and struggling yourself because you want to change them so, so, so badly that you’re neglecting your own self care in the process. I hate that I do it to myself and I also hate that he appears to be doing it to himself. I’m sure a lot of this conversation has been brought up in his own therapy, and I’m no professional, but I’m doing my best to heed the advice of my own therapist - which is the opposite of what Harry is doing - and it’s done wonders for me, when I actually can do it.

If there’s anything I know from this whole thing, it’s that Harry is absolutely punching above his weight, love him as I may, and that he adores, adores, adores his wife. He has chosen her from the very second she came into his life and I couldn’t want anything more for him or from her. I’m not going to lie, I would have been in this thing for any wife that Harry chose, because I was here long before Meghan specifically came into his life. However, I am glad every day that he chose her, that he loves her, that he wants to protect her, that she loves him back, that he lives the life with her that he’s wanted as long as I (and I’m sure he) can remember. I love her because he loves her, and I would have no matter what, because at the end of the day, it’s his happiness and comfort that matters to me, that has mattered to me since I discovered him and how wonderful he can be more than 7 years ago. What more could I ask of Meghan? What more, as his fan to the end (annoy me as he may), could I want for him? Who could say anything about her in that regard? If there’s anything that has come of this mess, to me, it’s that Harry loves, loves, loves his wife. I will always be happy for him and I will always be proud of him for choosing her, even if I don’t always agree with the way he goes about it.

I’m looking forward to peace, too. I cannot wait for things to just die out, for them to work things out as a couple and as a family, and for everyone to move on. The family will still do their thing and the Sussexes can do theirs, but I cannot deal with this back and forth, tit for tat, petty nonsense anymore. They’re wonderful and flawed, like the rest of them (except Andrew), and I just hope that they can all come to some kind of agreement or terms that lets this die down. It’s exhausting for everyone - themselves included. If I’m this tired, I can only imagine how tired they all are.

Thanks for stopping by, and sorry for the essay (essays, these past 24 hours lol). I really appreciate your kindness in this message, your presence in my notifications (I do see them!), your nuanced perspective and like I said before, I really, really appreciate that you own it!

[devhak22]

Discourse on Inequality (1755)

By Jean-Jacques Rousseau

As translated by Franklin Philip

The book itself is a mildy dry read, but not terribly so as it brings forward much fodder for thought, and plenty of insight into the realm of the political and social situation of western Europe in the 1700s. It is notable the that 'Notes' section at the end is very intreguing and well worth the read.

Rousseau presents a convincing and logical order for the devolpment of human cultural evolution, though, understandably, due in part to technological limitations, lacks a concrete timeline, much of which has been substantiated by modern scientific and historical studies. There are definitely ideas that are likely to be precursors to the theory of evolution presented throughout this piece of literature, especially as concerning the connections between humans and great apes.

In the language and worldview of his time, Rousseau describes those living in a more natural state as 'savages', but also shows a longing to experience what he seems to perceive to be a more innocent time of cultural history, before the growth of modern civilization created vast inequalities among its members. The cyclical nature of society does not return it to that of the natural society, but rather in turn brings economic decline to the majority, including primary producers (farmers), so that luxuries are increasingly reserved for the most wealthy, which escalates social and economic declines for the majority, expanding the wealth gap.

In essence, supposedly civilized persons live lives of servitude and control, while those under a more natural inclination live a life of independence and peace. And to put one in the situation of the other would bring about despair. Much of the luxuries provided in the 'wealthy' societies may cause more anxiety than they're worth. Keep in mind there is a difference between the provision of clean drinking water, and the acquisition of fancier and expensive, but ultimately unnecessary, novelties.

Much of the views expressed in this book are quite relevant to the turbulant political and economic situation at present, but there is hope, as appropriate social systems integrate to improve equality, including access to health and education, across the board.

Notable quotations:

'...as he was well aware, nostalgia for the simple life is itself a byproduct of advancing civilization.' ~ Patrick Coleman, Introduction, p. xi.

'The concept of perfectability provides a key to human history, but it is not connected to a goal, either of biological adaptation or of moral perfection.' ~ Patrick Coleman, Introduction, p. xx.

'Indeed, it seems that I am obligated to do no evil to my fellow man, it is less because he is a rational being than because he is a sentient being—a property that, because it is common to both animals and men, should at least give the beast the right to not be needlessly mistreated by man.' ~ Preface, p. 18.

'When we think of the good constitution of the savages—at least of those we have not devestated with our hard spirits—and realize that they have almost no afflictions except wounds and old age, we are much inclined to believe that the history of human ailments could be written by tracing that of civilized societies.' ~ Part I, p. 30.

'...the first man who made himself clothes and a lodging was supplying himself with things that were hardly necessary, for he had hitherto done without them and it is hard to see why as a grown man he could not tolerate the kind of life he had tolerated since his infancy.' ~ p. 32.

'I would observe that the peoples of the North show generally more industriousness than those of the South because they are less able to forego this attrubute, as though nature had chosen to equal things out by giving men's minds the fertility it denied the soil.' ~ p. 35.

'Let us bear in mind how many ideas we owe to the use of speech, how much grammar facilitates and trains the operations of the mind. Let us think of the incredible exertion and infinite time that the original invention of language must have cost. Put these thoughts together, and you may imagine how many thousands of centuries were required for the successive development of all the operations of which the mind is capable. ~ p. 37.

'Which was more necessary, a previously established society for the invention of language, or a previously invented language for the invention of society?' ~ p. 42.

'Now I would like to have it explained to me what kind of misery could exist in a free being whose heart is at peace and whose body is healthy: I ask what kind of life—civilized or natural—is more apt to become unbearable to those who experience it? Around us we see people almost all of whom complain of their existence and even several of whom renounce it as much as possible; and divine and human law together do little to arrest this disorder. I wonder whether anyone has heard of the free savage who ever dreamt of complaining about his life or killing himself?' ~ p. 43.

'...not only does education determine a difference between minds that are cultivated and those that are not, but it increases the difference between cultivated minds in proportion to their cultures...'~ p. 51.

'When we compare the great diversity in upbringing and ways of life that prevail among various classes in the civil state with the simplicity and uniformity in animal and savage life, where every creature eats of the same foods, lives in the same manner, and does exactly the same things, we understand how much less the difference between man and man must be in the state of nature than in society, and how much natural inequality must have increased in the human species through the effects of institutionalized inequality.' ~ p. 52.

'The founder of civil society was the first man who, having enclosed a piece of land, thought of saying, 'This is mine', and came across people simple enough to believe him. How many crimes, wars, murders and how much misery and horror the human race might have been spared if someone had pulled up the stakes or filled the ditch, and cried out: 'Beware of listening to this charlatan. You are lost if you forget that the fruits of the earth belong to all and that the earth itself belongs to no one!'' ~ Part II, p. 55.

'Each person began to gaze on the others and to want to be gazed upon himself, and what came to be prized was public esteem. Anyone who best sang or danced; he who was the most handsome, the strongest, the most skilful, or the most eloquent came to be the most highly regarded, and this was the first step to inequality and also vice.' ~ p. 60.

"Where there is no property, there is no injury." ~ Locke, p. 61.

'Finally, in all men a consuming ambition, the burning passion to increase one's relative fortune, less out of real need than to make oneself superior to others, inspires a dark propensity to harm each other, a secret jealousy that is all the more dangerous because, to strike out from a more secure position, it often assumes the mask of benevolence; in short, we have competition and rivalry on the one hand, and antagonistic interests on the other, and always the hidden desire to gain some advantage at other people's expense. All these evils are the first effects of property and the inseparable escort of nascent inequality. ~ p. 66.

'All ran headlong for their chains in the belief that they were securing their liberty; for although they had enough reason to see the advantages of political institutions, they did not have enough experience to foresee the dangers. Those most capable of predicting the abuses were precisely the ones who counted on profiting from them; and the wise ones saw that men must sacrifice one part of their freedom in order to preserve the other, just as a wounded man has his arm cut off to save the rest of his body.' ~ p. 68-9.

'...according to the law of nature, the father is the child's master only as long as his help is needed and that beyond this point the two are equals, the son becoming perfectly independant of his father and owing his elder only respect and not obedience, for gratitude is clearly a duty to be owed and not a right to be demanded.' ~ p. 73.

'It thus seems to me certain that governments did not originate in arbitrary power, which is only the endpoint in the corruption of governments, one that eventually brings them back to the very law of the strongest that they were first introduced to remedy; but even if they did begin this way, such power is inherently illegitimate and hence could not serve as the basis for rights in society, nor, hence, for the established inequality in society.' ~ p. 75-6.

'The magistrate cannot usurp illegitimate power without finding operatives to whom he is forced to yield some part of it. Furthermore, citizens allow themselves to be oppressed only so far as they are impelled by blind ambition; and fixing their eyes below rather than above themselves, they relish domination more than independence, and agree to wear chains for the sake of in turn imposing chains on others. It is difficult to reduce to obedience a man who has no wish to command, and the most crafty politician could not succeed in subjugating men whose only wish was to be free; inequality, however, readily spreads the craven and ambitious souls, ever ready to run the risks of fortune and almost indifferent about whether they command or obey, depending on which is more advantageous to them.' P. 79.

'It is not without difficulty that we have managed to make ourselves so unhappy.' ~ Notes, p. 94.

'...man in society does not have a moment of respite.' ~ p. 96

'Luxury is a remedy much worse than the evil it claims to cure, or rather it is itself the worst of evils in any state, whether small or large; and feeds the crowds of lackeys and poor people it creates, luxury crushes and ruins the farmer and the townsman.' ~ p. 99.

'...we know that most animals, and man is no exception, are naturally lazy, and take no more pains than absolutely necessary.' ~ p. 105.

'However much individuals come and go, it seems that philosophy does not travel, so true is it that the philosophy of one nation is ill-suited for another.' ~ p. 107.

[dolly-rose]

(2) and she just looked at me and asked me one simple question. How old are your parents? I answered her, not really getting where she was going. She then told me, simply "They're responsible for their own lives, and you're responsible for your own and only your own until the point where you decide you want to have a kid. Then you'll be responsible for the kid as well." I disagreed with her, telling her that my parents drag me into their issues even when I try to stay away and she rebutted me

(3) She just smiled and said something along the lines of “Live your own life. When they see you’re doing your own thing, being happy, living your own life, they’ll start changing as well.” I didn’t trust her, tbh. I felt like I’ve always been there for my parents so they were used to me being there to listen and comfort and whatnot. I had some deeper issues so it took me a while to get on my own two feet where I don’t just jump up to help them whenever they come whining. I just started doing it

(4) And let me tell you, in the beginning it’s so hard. So hard to not just fix their issues when you know you could. But I realised that they can actually ix them, too. I just made them too much used to me being the one to fix them so they got spoiled by me. I fucking managed to spoil my parents, ridiculous, eh? But the more I’ve become independent in the way where I just listen without reacting and letting them deal with it all while I deal with my shit, they actually started getting better.

(5) It took me so damn long, though. So long to finally sever the damn phantom umbilical cord. I know how overwhelmed you must feel with parents who look to you for help, I know you must feel responsible for them in so many ways, but I just want to let you know it’ll get better. You’ll get better. And I say that because, and this was the hardest lesson I had to learn, the only person you can truly change is you. Others change as a reaction to your change, like a tidal wave. Take care of yourself

(6) Love yourself because you’re so damn lovable. And don’t put your life on any kind of pause or slow it down for others, because it will only harm you in the long run. On the other hand, you living your best life at the pace that is comfortable to you will inspire others to do the same. It does sound cheesy, but it’s proven many times to be true. If you need someone to talk to or talk AT, just message me, whenever you feel like it, okay? Be good to yourself!

I thank you kindly for your thoughtful advice, and I hear you completely.  Although it looks like tumblr ate the first part of this ask, I’m pretty sure I got the gist of the situation.  I thank you for sharing, and hope you do not mind that I am responding to this publicly, but I feel the need to make my own response public to see if there is anyone out there with the knowledge and advice that might help me more specifically.  In response:

These are strategies I’ve tried to reassure myself with for years.  But there are logistics to consider that I frankly need help dealing with, and due to a personal lack of finances, I am unable to seek professional help to help me answer these questions.

On my dad’s end, he will eventually learn to stop bringing me into his personal life on this level.  In part he does still emotionally lean on me because I’ve always been the only person that knew how to understand my mother and calm her down.  He discusses this with me to vent and also seek my guidance because we have always needed to respond very carefully as to not escalate the situation.  (On the other hand, he also communicates these issues with me to warn me of what the situation is, because I am always the next person my mother will contact if she is in a foul mood.)  My mother still had a lot of financial control and could put a lot of things at risk intentionally if we did not respond in a desired way.  Consequently, her actions would then affect the entire family, regardless of my involvement.  Losing our home is not something we can afford to go through right now, and this greatest thing at stake from my father’s end, until the divorce is settled.

Now, we have my mother who suffers severely from Borderline Personality Disorder, and is in need of intensive care.  I agree with you, that this shouldn’t be my responsibility.  But here is the reality of the situation; my mother is 60 years old, jobless (she lost 5 jobs in just one year), she is unable to maintain a job due to both mental health issues and physical health issues. She is in thousands of dollars of debt from medical bills, and a couple thousand from credit cards.  Her boyfriend (who seems to have recently left her) was their only source of income, and since he’s only on disability himself, there was never much money around.  She will be filing for bankruptcy this year because there are no other available options.

My mother is still covered under my father’s health insurance because their divorce has not been legalized yet.  However, she only has until the end of March before that health insurance is canceled.  The insurance however is a complete joke because our family is very poor and we cannot afford a lower deductible, so until we spend out $3500 in medical fees (money we do not have), we don’t qualify for much benefits.  To just see a general family doctor, our co-pays are $100 and up.  My mother who has no income other than the money I (had) been supplying her with, cannot afford to go to the doctor.  For over a year now, she has stopped taking all of her anti-depressant medications, mood stabilizers, sleeping aids, etc.  Recently, she has not had the money to pay for her other on-going medications for both hypertension and Diabetes type II.  She’s become very physically ill and her IBS has been affecting her daily life to an extreme.  However, with all of these things in mind, be aware that her doctor denied her his recommendation for disability when we asked.

I did take her to a social worker and we have applied to get her food stamps, cash assistance, and a medical card.  We have not yet heard back to see if she has been accepted for any of these government aids, and because we live in the bankrupt state of Illinois, I am weary of both how long it will take for her receive a response, and what her chances are of qualifying at all since her divorce from my father is not final.  (The divorce which we literally do not have money to afford at the moment.  My dad already had to take out money against his 401k to pay 5 missing house payments so that the bank would not start foreclosure. Which in turn, my mother then stole the money that he intended to use to pay off those bills, and used it to buy crack cocaine for herself.  She’s become an ongoing addict.)

My mother is literally at the point of being evicted from her trailer by her own sister.  Her boyfriend has left her, and he was the one that paid for all the utilities.  Knowing what I know about the health care system, I don’t think she will be quickly approved (if at all) for permanent Social Security Disability because it is rarely passed for people with Mental Illness, and her physical ailments are deemed curable as long as she has the money to afford the medications.  My mother has no other family members but myself and my younger brother.  I’m not at this moment allowing myself to consider the idea of letting her become homeless or forcing her to live in a women’s shelter where her health can only further deteriorate.

I would love to walk away from all of this and reassure myself that my mother will learn to change and that she will eventually be able to take care of herself.  However, at this moment, I know that she is entirely mentally and financially incapable of doing any of those things.  She’s been extremely suicidal and it’s taken every ounce of energy that I have to convince her that these problems are still manageable and there is hope that things will be better.

I love my mother despite all these issues because I understand how severe the disorder is, as I am a victim of it myself.  In a few weeks she will have no other option but to move to another state to live with me, since I am the only family she has that will take her in.  Opening my home to her means opening her to my care, and taking her on as a full-time responsibility.  I still do not have the money to get her the therapy and medical help that she needs; I don’t even have the money to afford it for myself.

I have no idea what to do, but I just cannot with good conscience walk away knowing that she will be left either homeless or to commit suicide.  I do not want these responsibilities, and I do want to live my own life, but it seems like my only way to live is to find a way to accommodate her life first until she is actually capable of doing it herself.  Most unfortunately to all of this is that I have no assistance myself.  I need help finding solutions, but I have no one to ask, and I have no connections to help me get things active.  As I mentioned before, I also suffer from BPD and anxiety, and it’s been extremely difficult for me to find solutions to her problems when I don’t have anyone first helping me to solve my own. 

I am truly and devastatingly in need of help that results in active decision making that will produce tangible results.  I need to be productive and make sure these situations don’t escalate even further than they already have, but I just have absolutely no idea where to go or how to make those changes happen.  I am not just frustrated with the situation, but also with myself, and I am endlessly terrified, but I simply know that doing nothing and walking away for my own benefit will result in consequences that I am not ready to live with. 

If anyone has any advice for what to do in the state of these circumstances, I am willing to learn and find a way to take action ASAP.