#i WILL be fine bc this is the constant state i live in tbh

[spacenintendogs]

i hate my anxiety and paranoia.

[bro-atz]

"you'll never be alone"

in which: you live in fear of dying alone, especially now that you're in the hospital with barely any time left.

pair: san/afab!reader

word count: 1.5k

content + trigger warnings: angst, high school sweethearts to divorced, natural death (not murder), sad just very sad, a lot of crying, being alone, peaceful death, third person pov, heart attack, cardiac arrest, grief

author's note: this is a depressing piece just fyi... tbh i'm writing this bc i'm trying to come to terms w some things in my life lol but i thought this was worth sharing to restore faith in humanity or make you cry over a caring, loving san... (if you cry, know that i was crying the entire time i was writing this). but seriously, this is a very heavy piece (for me), so i recommend you only read this if you're in a good state of mind

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She was dedicated to her work. Completely. So dedicated to the point where she overworked herself entirely one fine winter and had a massive heart attack at home while she was working overtime. She was always at risk for a heart attack based off of her family’s health history, but she never thought it would happen to her when she was so young. Her mom even passed because of a heart attack, but that was much later in life for her. She, on the other hand, was still in her early thirties— too soon.

Her mom passed suddenly when she was in her mid twenties. Luckily, she was able to get married while her mother was still alive, so she got to share some important milestones with her. Her mother had her when she was in her mid thirties, so her age caught up to her, but having a heart attack in her sixties was still too soon.

She was devastated. Her mom was the only family she had. Well, she was married, but other than him, her mother was the only family in her life for the majority of her life. She could barely say her final goodbyes to her mother, but knowing that her husband was there for support was enough to keep just a little bit of her together.

Their house was quiet days after. She could barely keep her head on straight. He caught her nearly burning herself as she tried to pull a hot pan out of the stove with her bare hands. He turned off the stove and immediately led her to the living room, where she sat dazed and unaware of her actions.

“Y/N, sweetie, look at me,” San cupped her face and brought his face closer to hers. “Baby, you know I’m here for you, right?”

She, unblinking, nodded slowly. He pet her head gently to see her lower lip start to quiver. Immediately, he pulled her into a comforting hug, her hot tears falling on his shoulders. She hugged his back tightly while wailing at the top of her lungs— once the tears started, they wouldn’t stop until she tired herself out.

San hated seeing her this way. She was so beautiful when she laughed and smiled. Seeing her in pain made his heart hurt. She needed to let it out of her system, but he desperately wanted her to stop crying for her sake.

“Sannie,” she whispered to him after calming down hours later.

The two laid on their bed. She rested her head on his arm, and his other hand was patting her waist steadily. He nodded and responded in the same decibel, “Yes, baby?”

“I feel horrible.”

“Why do you feel horrible?”

“Because my mom was…” her voice wavered, but she cleared her throat and took a breath to sound her thoughts. “She was alone… When… And I could have put in more effort to talking to her… I was getting annoyed with her constant calling… And now it’s too late…”

She started crying again, her face buried in San’s chest. His hand moved from her waist to her back, and he rubbed her back gently as she sniffled and did her best to continue talking.

“She always wanted us to live near her, and I refused because I hate my hometown… You know that… But I should have sucked it up and listened to her. She wouldn’t have been alone, then.”

“Sweetie, none of us thought she was going to pass so suddenly, so you can’t think like that.”

“No, San. If she wasn’t alone when she had the heart attack, then she could have survived. I can’t imagine how lonely she must have felt when it happened. She must have felt so scared. We should have been there for her. I should have been there for her…”

She began to wail again, and it took San thirty more minutes of comforting her for her to calm down.

“Baby, I know that your mind is probably all sorts of scrambled, but you can’t keep dwelling on the what ifs because it’ll only hurt you more. We can’t predict the future, so there will be what ifs for every situation, but we have to keep moving.”

She nodded. She let out a little sigh before saying quietly, “But, San… When my time comes—”

“Don’t you dare think about that,” San immediately covered her mouth to keep her from talking about her own death.

“No, it’s not like that,” her words came out muffled before she nudged his hand away. “I’m just worried… I have no one else left but you. What if I’m completely alone, too?”

“Y/N, you’ll never be alone. I will always be here for you because I love you, and I promise that you won’t be alone,” San reassured her and sealed his promise with a kiss on her forehead.

“You better not die before me, then,” she warned him, a hint of a giggle in her words.

“I won’t die before you. I’ll make sure of it.”

She exhaled and buried her face in his chest once again, her breathing slowing down as she drifted off to sleep. San hugged her just a little closer before drifting off to sleep as well.

When she came to at the hospital, she was confused and upset— why did she have to remember him? It had been years since San made that promise, and in those years, they had gotten divorced and went their complete separate ways. She remained a single divorcee while he got remarried and started a family. She was alone, and he was not.

It wasn’t anything dramatic… Well, for her it wasn’t. She basically pushed him away. She spent years crying about her mother to the point where she didn’t want to load San up with the emotional baggage. San wanted to be there for her, but she wouldn’t let him, so they called it quits. She remained closed off and San shared his love with someone else.

She laid in the hospital bed, miserable. All she lived for was her work, so just laying in the bed made her wonder what her purpose in life was. Her mind was filled with thoughts that led to a complete existential crisis that ended with her staring out the sad window of her sad hospital room  watching snow flutter down with tears rolling down her face.

Because she was alone, she wasn’t expecting a single person. Sure, she had her friends and coworkers, but none of them knew that she was in the hospital— she called herself an ambulance the second she recognized the symptoms when she was working at home alone.

Every time the door slid open, it was either the doctor or a nurse. They would monitor her for a split second then disappear because she seemed fine. However, as she stared at the pathetic view, the door slammed open, startling her. She flinched and turned to see who was making a ruckus, only to see San standing in the doorway completely out of breath.

He looked the same, just a little older and his shoulders just a little broader. He looked dashing in his turtleneck and long winter coat, and he looked so amazing to the point that she couldn’t believe her eyes. There was no way he was really here. She was probably still unconscious.

“Y/N…” he whispered as he approached the bed.

She fully faced him, eyes wide. He cupped her face gently, his thumb rubbing the tears from her eyes, only for more tears to spill out.

“Why are you here, San?” she choked out.

San knelt by the bed and put his hand under hers, the warmth from his hands thawing her frozen fingers. He looked up at her with soft, sad eyes as he said softly, “I promised you that you won’t be alone, and I don’t ever break promises, Y/N.”

The dam burst. She immediately started crying and wailing, the same way she had years ago when her mother passed. And, the same way he had years ago, San hugged her. She buried her face in his chest and did her best to calm down, especially after she heard the damn monitor beep faster, which freaked her out even more.

San dragged a chair over to the bed so he could sit with her. He continued to hold her hand, his thumb occasionally rubbing circles over the top of her hand.

“You know, Y/N… I never stopped loving you,” San confessed.

She didn’t react— she was dazed. San sighed sadly, wondering if she even heard him. Regardless, he wanted to show his love for her in some way or fashion, so he kissed her temple softly. She closed her eyes, tears falling onto her cheeks.

“Thank you, San,” she whispered. “I love you, too.”

Snow was falling heavily. San stood before her grave with a bouquet of flowers clenched tightly in his fist. Tears were streaming down his face, but he bit his lower lip to choke back his sobs.

She wasn’t alone, like he promised her, but she still died. Sudden cardiac arrest, is what the doctor told him. He was in the room when it happened, and he watched the doctor and nurses run into the room to try and revive her, but nothing. She was gone. Just like that.

He knelt by her grave, his pants getting soggy due to the snow. He placed the bouquet right by the tombstone and sat quietly, his body trembling as he suppressed his cries. But, his emotions got the better of him. San wailed her name and cursed whatever immortal entity was out there for taking her away so soon.

As San once said, though, he had to keep moving. There was no point in dwelling on the what ifs. The only thing that gave him comfort was that he stuck true to his word, and he made sure she wouldn’t be alone.

[mikk1n]

Curious in how you HC the characters personalities to be- like for example in my HC's for the general MW campaign

I view price as an aggressive father like figure who gets shit done but cries to himself over casualties before just completely going numb to every emotion for the next few months.

I view makarov as a sadistic and malicious person with paranoia and anxiety [maybe a bit of a personality disorder as well] who sees himself differently everyday and disconnects from reality alot.

I view soap as a complicated ball of PTSD [hope my wording doesnt offend anyone i genuinely couldnt think of another way to describe it] and he doesn't know whether to continue the service or quit and constant battles his own mind on what he wants for himself.

Etc etc.

Oooh this is a topic that I love to get into, I just struggle with articulating myself exactly the way I want. CW for mentions of suicide later in the post but I don't get too into it.

Price is like...to me Price is complicated. He does have almost that fatherly role, and tbh I feel like he has control issues. And anger issues too but that really rears its ugly head after he escapes the gulag and spirals. Honestly I feel like he and Makarov are two sides of the same coin, only Price doesn't have the same kind of ambition as Makarov does; Price doesn't want power, he wants to get the job done, whatever that may be, no matter the cost. And unlike Makarov, he cares when he loses people, especially people close to him, and the grief and anger fuel his downward spiral. I feel like he's chaotic on the inside idk idk

putting the rest of this under a cut bc it gets long

When it comes to Makarov I feel like. Hm. He's interesting to me because I feel like he could've been a good person, if he wanted to be; a lot of his issues and quirks and everything about the way his brain works, from his nullified fear response to his disconnect with other people to his low empathy, etc. etc., don't inherently make him a bad person. He's completely capable of making different life choices and putting his energy into something good and worthwhile for once. He just chooses to be a violent asshole because at the end of the day, he's deeply selfish, and he uses absolutely EVERYTHING to his advantage to achieve his goals.

I feel like he's not sadistic in the sense that he's motivated primarily by the want or need to hurt people for the sake of relishing in their suffering, but he is sadistic in the sense that he's power hungry and people suffering because of him inflates his ego and fuels his craving for power. And he LOVES making people suffer if it's someone he has a grudge against, or perceives as having slighted him.

And also despite (or maybe even because of) his nullified fear response, at least in part, his life is Ruled by fear to some degree. His meticulousness looks like anxiety to outside observers and I feel like Makarov is definitely prone to paranoia. Partially because of the nature of what he does and partially because Makarov twists himself into a pretzel worrying if his atypical experiences with fear will blind him to danger and lead to his downfall. He lives a "me vs the world" life in pretty much every sense lmao.

And then Soap...yeah he's a complicated ball of PTSD to me too, not just from his military service but from his childhood (father died by suicide, mom and stepdad and their side of the family was abusive, all tangled up in racial and religious and queer trauma that his family ALSO had a hand in, etc. etc. etc.). He's good at pretending everything is fine but the man is depressed and anxious and hates himself. He is constantly in a state of making up for himself, like everything he does has to exceed expectations because otherwise he's not worthwhile.

Soap strikes me as someone who's deeply sentimental, likely a hopeless romantic, who feels down to his core and...has never really had room to express that. A majority of himself is locked away somewhere, mainly out of self-preservation, and sometimes he has no idea who he is or what he should've done in life. He's full of regrets and what-ifs and just. He's depressed as fuck basically.

[actualbird]

(post here)

not adding this to the post itself bc i am beyond terrified of adding commentary and i go off into another direction HAHA but yeah. yeah.

when you're some kind of creator or artist who draws upon real life or memory as inspiration, this state of being is a blessing and a curse. i write fiction and nonfiction, and a lot of what i write is derivative from my own experiences, so im extra aware of what is happening to me at all times, just in case i can use it later for art. which is fine for me normally tbh, like it makes me be more aware of all my experiences, makes me appreciate every day and what it brings. i personally dont mind the constant voyeur that is myself in my mind making me keep track of every experience with a notepad and pen.

but it gets Not Fine when like. the dynamic shifts from "this is my life as it is, it can be used for art perhaps" to "my life Must Be Art, Must Be Mine-able For Future Content, Must Be A Good Story, or else how will a create worthwhile things in the future?"

THAT is INCREDIBLY FUCKY TO THE BRAIN and i rate it 0/10 stars and i hope nobody ever ever ever experiences it. if you do, god, im so sorry, and i havent figured out a way to fix mine yet orz.

it's a bad time because life.....isnt designed to be a good narrative. life in it's original form is Just Like That, it doesnt follow the rules of art or literature, and trying to mold your life into those rules will cause a Lot of bad feelings. as an example, when i relapsed into Bad Mental Illness time, a few months ago, all i could think about was how sucky this was for my one essay where i talked about my mental recovery, how shitty of a narrative that is to finally reach the top, the ending of the story, and then start from the bottom again. "it's not a good story" morphs into "im not living life correctly" and ehhhhh you can see how damaging that kind of mindset is....

somebodys always watching, in your head. it's you. and based on how you live your life, that watcher-who-is-you will either be more present or less present. i dont think theres a way to "turn off" this part of the brain that wants to watch and pick your life for things to turn into art, but hopefully staying grounded in the fact that life is just Life can help keep watcher-who-is-you from staying as just that. a watcher. not the one trying to call the shots

i havent had breakfast yet, so this all probably reads like mumbo jumbo!!!

[mcrrisons]

wooo hi friends!! s here FINALLY dropping this intro, you’ll now know that i’m late to everything O:) i have insane muse for this type of character so i’m sooo excited to be here! any questions lmk but now ........... *rubs hands together like a fly* let’s get to plotting

@mapleviewstarters​

『 travis fimmel. fourty-six. cismale. he/him. 』 oh heavens, is that WELLS MORRISON from CHESTNUT DRIVE i see roaming around mapleview? minnie may’s always calling them -BELLIGERENT & -CONTRITE. i happen to think they’re not that bad! they’re a pretty cool at COLLECTING UNEMPLOYMENT and every time i’ve seen them, they’ve always been +CAPTIVATING & +OPEN-MINDED. i hope i see them around again! 

TW: ALCOHOLISM, DEATH, ABUSE

GETTING TO KNOW WELLS

full name: wells irving morrison

age / birthdate / sign: 45 / november 18, 1974 / scorpio

gender / pronouns: cismale / he/him

orientation: hetero

height: 6′2″

hair color: dirty blond, some gray growing in

tattoos: a lot of drunken tats over the years, either cheap ones or ones that his buddies did for him for free. most of the actual WANTED ones covered up some scars he chose to ignore

drinks / smokes / drugs: big yes to all, no one left behind - but alcohol and cigarettes daily as those are more acceptable and easier to get

occupation: although collecting unemployment from the government, he often has plenty of odd jobs to make money under the books. 

residence: mapleview, born and raised. still lives in the same plot of houses his great great bought / built years ago.

alignment: chaotic evil (but he tries his best............ ok)

parents: hank (deceased) & caroline morrison 

siblings: 2 brothers (jeremiah & tucker) and 1 sister (addison) that he KNOWS of

children: lane morrison (intro here), and probably a few others but that’s for future plots!!

WHAT’S HIS STORY ?

wells’ blood runs thick through this town to a long line of morrisons, and they sure as hell make SURE everyone knows it. rumors have flown around about the morrison family for generations, eyes roll when they enter a space (at least in wells’ experience) & they own a reputation of chaos. scaring away newcomers just by being themselves. and of course, like it was in his dna, wells’ actions would align with those that preceded him.

he grew up on a plot of land bought many moons ago by his great great ... grandfather / uncle /  (the story changes every time he hears it) w/ a few trailer-like one story homes with broken screen doors & random “antiques” in the yard aka things that people in fair lane were throwing out that everyone THOUGHT would be needed one day. (still lives here btw!!!)

growing up around family was FINE but it reminded him of his destination - what he was going to end up like anyway, DESPITE being kinda smart in school & having larger dreams. the family was scrappy, deceitful; wells learned at an early age how to manipulate people to get what he wanted. he was taught how to STEAL, lie, charm, and how to get by with what they had.

wells spent most of his childhood at his uncle’s home, just a few minute walk away on the plot bc his own home wasn’t ideal. he looked up to the guy A LOT, but hasn’t spoken since he left mapleview for bigger and better things when wells was just 15.

his father, a returned drafted vietnam vet, took out the anger of what he witnessed / how he was treated / how life was UNFAIR out on his family, and often times physically. he wasn’t involved in wells’ life all too much, only when he needed something or wanted to let off some steam. 

his mother was a caring & loving woman, also mapleview grown (the two had been high school sweethearts), but loyal to a FAULT, always choosing her husband to back. 

screams, crashes, fights, fires - you name it. needless to say, that plot of morrison homes never had it quiet, easy. cops knew everyone by first and last name and could drive the route from the station to the morrison’s home with their eyes closed.

wells’ father DIED when he was 19 (although wells hadn’t considered him alive for a while) & no one knew HOW so there was never any closure for him, his mother, his fam... all his death provided was another source for the rumor mill surrounding the morrisons. was it a bad bar fight ? did he have a bad fall ? wrong pills ? some say his mother was a killer but he knew better than that.

wells’ mother is still live & somewhat well, living with his brother in a house about 20 minutes away. at her old age, it’s hard for her to do things on her own and it was decided that wells - the youngest of his generation - wouldn’t be able to care after her, let alone care for himself. she’s been there for about 10 years now and still complains every minute.

ok back to our boy. somehow wells managed to destroy every good thing that ever came his way. self-destructive due to self-hatred and REGRET which never got better as he got older and continued to well, destroy things. a slippery slope, for sure.

alongside his uncle, always dreaming of getting out of this small town, wells was good ENOUGH at school and that was his way. but of course it didn’t happen: 1. he fell into fulfilling prophecy of his predecessors, 2. he had not a PENNY to his name to leave (i.e. gambling addiction), 3. he had a child in his early twenties, 4. he tried to fight the admissions counselor at the nearby community college

having some sort of love in his life. didn’t happen: 1. he pushed/pushes everyone that dare get too close (mostly selfishly), 2. couldn’t change his addictive personality (i.e. alcoholism), 3. began to resemble his father, 4. has 0 emotional intelligence and cannot touch feelings/emotions

to get a job and be a normal person in society. didn’t happen bc: 1. has a narcissist complex, 2. would steal from the cash register, 3. would hit on customers, 4. doesn’t understand paying “taxes”

more to add here

BASICALLY, he’s lived a life. he acts as though his life is already over, there’s nothing to lose, nothing to gain and this is just how it will be for the rest of his time on earth. he’s despondent and lives far too much in the PAST, blaming himself for everything that came his way (but ok he’s not too far off tbh).

although MANY a regret linger in his mind before sleep, his largest regret is losing his family - the love of his life who LEFT the two high and dry just after about a year together and his son who moved out at just 16. the mother of his child was the only person he remembers that saw him for more than rumors, his facade and became a good influence to him - but OF COURSE he fucked that one up and she left. he blames himself big time, but would never show that. only hatred her way aloud. 

his son, lane, left while still a boy just like himself, and it HURT to think that the apple hardly fell from the tree above, not able to be a good father. never TAUGHT how to be one. manipulative to a fault, wells would always say the younger was never appreciative, never UNDERSTOOD... and he’d convince himself that his son hated him as much as he hates himself. he’ll also say he’s the only reason he’s still alive. LOVE / HATE seems to blur so often for the old man here. always did.

the only constant throughout his life has been alcohol. the morrison’s start off early of course, and wells was drinking/etc on his own by the time he was 12. UNLESS you count the bourbon his father would feed him to sleep as a baby. what started off as social and partying as he grew older, became something much more ugly. his body didn’t just crave it, it NEEDED it to function by the time he was in his early twenties. it was easier to hide it then, all young and into a good time but it wouldn’t just last for weekends. he’d need a drink to get by mentally, and physically and became fully dependent. a depressant to match his mental illness.

WHO IS HE ?

he has a DEEP southern accent with a hard RASP that sounds as though he smokes a pack a day (because he does). 

despite graduating high school (i KNOW, believe it), he doesn’t have a vocabulary too wide and will use larger words incorrectly all the time.

can have a bit of an old grumpy man aesthetic, easily belligerent, even though he’s only in his 40s and can be charming as hell too (that smile!!!! ok!!! knows how to manipulate.)

he doesn’t trust the government at ALL and is a bit of a conspiracy theorist, despite collecting money from the government each week for unemployment. he refuses to pay taxes so only does jobs under the books. will go on a tangent about how the government is creating diseases, hiding aliens; eat the rich, etc... he also doesn’t trust cops at all, despite being picked up and taken home by them at least once a week.

grew up on rock and roll! had a band in the 80s where he could’ve SWORN they’d be rich and famous. long hair, tight pants, acting out - wannabe motley crue.

drives (ILLEGALLY) an old ford from the 70′s that somehow still works, after losing his license years ago from too many DWIs. 

i assume all of the town knows him as the town DRUNK. maybe it used to be funny back in the day, but now it’s just really SAD. he’s a nuisance. 

WHO DOES HE KNOW ?

y/c HIRED him for some odd jobs, must be under the table.

HIGH SCHOOL BUDDIES who also stayed around mapleview. they can be friendly, enemies now, distanced, a lot to do here.

a BROTHER / step (which i might submit to the main :))

a ONE-NIGHT stand

a GOOD INFLUENCE who tries their best to get him working towards something better. fair warning, this would 9.99/10 times not work.

where wells is the BAD INFLUENCE to y/c, convincing them to drink a ton, giving horrible advice when they’re in their most vulnerable state.

a STORE OWNER that has banned wells from entering their establishment due to a prior mishap.

a DEALER of all things wells shouldn’t, but does.

THE HILLS by the weeknd - a plot where these two are hooking up or together but only in secret. whether that’s because they’re in different socioeconomic classes, have a bad history, the other is cheating... they have to hide.

WHITE KNUCKLES - they’ve previously had a bar fight, are known enemies. could’ve been something said about his family, his past.

[simplysaphique]

Can I ask what happened in freak show? Idk my friend said it was good so I was gonna check it out but you mentioned hate crimes?????????

ok so maybe i have some personal baggage going into this movie but here’s my rundown:

• gay teen moves him with his dad in red state connecticut (his parents are divorced and his mother is his favorite, this is important later)

• he dresses up for school, full hair and makeup and his dads housekeeper tells him that he should change bc of where they live

• he gets called like several shades of homophobic comments on the first day bc of how he dresses

• the are multiple scenes of teachers refusing to help with the bullying or contributing to it

• he keeps amping up the outfits, culminating in a full bridal gown with full makeup

• (tw hate crime) he is then cornered in the music room by like eight guys and he’s beat into a coma, this scene goes on for like five minutes and it’s very graphic

• one of his only friends at this school vists him in the hospital and convinces him to “dress straight” at school, you later find out this friend had beat up some of the hate crime bullies and all the guys who beat up the main guy were expelled, this is the last they are mentioned

• the entire school is nice to him for a few days after he returns bc he’s still in a wheelchair and the school doesn’t want to be sued, this is the extent of the schools niceness to him

• his mother comes home to visit and he finds out she never wanted him, doesn’t really like him, and dumped him off on his dad so she could travel

• he then climbs the school building like he’s going to jump? (this part i wasn’t rlly paying attention tbh) and sees the popular girl announcing her run for prom queen on thr news

• he screams that he’s going to run too from the top of the building as prom queen and “gender oblivitor”

• the second half of the movie is his run from prom queen and how his group of thr outsider at this prep school are reclaiming “freak”, this parts kinda boring but like every couple minutes somebody says smth rlly homophobic just to like remind u nobody likes the main ch

• then the prom queen runners (super religious girl and main ch) have to give speeches to get the votes and the religious girl gives is just gross, several homophobic/transphobic comments, and then the main chr goes and his thing is about how “everybody is a freak” and “a vote for me is a vote for everybody” type deal, the movie really leans into him winning this

• he doesn’t!

• his dad shows up and tells the main kid he loves him and it’s a big moment or whatever

• the big statement at the end of the movie from the religious girls best friend is “she had my vote but you had my heart” which fine whatever

• so the movie ends with everybody who isn’t part of the main chrs friend group tolerating the main ch, the movie ends with some jock guy like high fiveing him and that like the pinnacle of him being accepted into this school but they still like think how he dresses is weird and comment on that?

last thing, just like at any point there is homophobic slurs/comments, i think i got most of them but it’s constant

so long story short i walked away with this movie thinking thr grand message it was sending was: despite all the ambition you have the best you have hope for is being seen as a joke or even better no violent hate crimes being committed to you

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[advernia]

hi hi!!! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ mmm… i try not to expect something out of an unreleased route (bc most of the time i am horribly betrayed lmao) but there are loads of stuff i hope to see! forgive me for being rambly tho haha!  

mousse. i actually have no idea what to expect from his route but what i do know is that his current position as a diplomat bothers me in a lot of ways lmao! but anyway… naturally we should be getting details on why he left the red army in the first place, so maybe on that side i do wish we’d get more insight on the workings of the red army, i guess? not that i’m expecting something super detailed or anything (tho it would be great if cybird feeds us with details), but for starters, maybe something more concerning the chosen bloodline - for instance, how did it come to be that for the red army, those thirteen certain families are the only ones strictly allowed to fill in that one position in the chosen ranks??? do relatives or family branch members count??? additionally, is mousse the first case of someone stepping down / refusing to take over their designated rank??? i’d like to think that he isn’t, but then again i maybe wrong???

alternatively… maybe mousse’s route could fill in some bit of cradle lore too? lmao i mean he is a diplomat and alice is a ‘visitor’, so he’s the best suitor to fit in the role of a tour guide. maybe a little more idea on how cradle works as an actual country, bc god i can’t even imagine how it functions properly. who knows, maybe he actually knows about that abandoned building in the forbidden forest + why it’s there in the first place. maybe he can actually elaborate the background of the goddamn 500 year conflict. if he actually does, bless my soul.

on relationships… while mousse is neutral but a former red, i imagine we’ll be seeing more of the ra guys rather than the ba, maybe… that’s fine with me since i’m interested in learning more about his relationship with lancelot, and maybe how he interacts with kyle + edgar since we already have a general idea of how he is around jonah + zero. but since the neutral faction has increased now, i’d like it if most of his interactions would involve more of his fellow neutrals. they need more screentime.

and finally, romantically… man, that ‘love at first sight… or is it?’ bit on his profile really gets me. oh, i will be ridiculously happy if that whole ‘love at first sight’ thing is interpreted as just sheer interest on mousse’s part. he’s in love with the visitor from the land of reason, with alice the second who hails from the same land as the first alice. he’s in love with the thought of her, a person who lives in a world so different from his own…but has he ever seen alice the second as the woman she is, as another human being??? this is probably unlikely to happen as mousse doesn’t seem too cold as a character but OOOOHHHHH I’D LOVE TO HAVE A TWIST（○□○）

tl;dr: a focus on red army history / more expository stuff on cradle. a toss between mousse interacting with the ra + neutrals, preferrably more of the latter. if cybird pulls a surprising twist / interpretation on mousse’s ‘love at first sight’ for alice, then i will LIVE.

dean. for starters, i’d like a little more understanding on how the boarding school he works in operates haha… i get it’s open to all regardless of status (red/black, noble/commoner maybe?), but what type of school is it, is it a regular one or a military academy of sorts??? if it’s a military type, to what extent are the students trained - basic combat/magic or are there advanced classes or all that shebang??? from what age are you able to enroll in it??? who runs it??? probably someone from the neutral faction / government itself but seriously speaking, is this the only school available in cradle??? if you’re wondering why i think that, i just find it odd that two different factions that have been in constant conflict still send their kids to study in that one school where anyone and everyone is accepted… i’d imagine the red side isn’t so happy about this more than the black side is, but maaaybe it’s a government-mandated / treaty / pact thing??? tbh i’m still on the fence on those ideas since there’s a lot more questions that would arise from that but… yeah. just… details, pls _(:3」∠)_ oh, more bonus points if we get more info about the day everything went dark!

anyway… dean being a professor appears underwhelming but it’s pretty interesting to take into account that he probably trained all(?) of them army suitors so… personally i’d be interested if there’s your teacher vs. student(s) fight scenes lmao. preferrably with dean still able to hold his own. bonus points if he taunts his opponent in the process with words like ‘i see you’ve forgotten your fundamentals’ or something haha! even more bonus points if we get dean/alice fighting the forces of evil magic disciples together!!! oh, that would be so good.

it would be fun if dean’s the type to subtly poke his former students with their dark history past mistakes when he sees them / needs them to settle down or smth. maybe he has dirt on someone like luka (and no, it isn’t about him feeding birds on the rooftop lmao). maybe he’s the only one who can make sirius & lancelot feel nervous easily, holy shit. but again, as dean’s a neutral, i’d prefer his interactions to involve more of his fellow neutrals. especially dalim. though that might be a given considering their relationship. i will greatly appreciate seeing more of the tweedle twins dynamic. even more if it turns out that the main conflict/antagonist of their individual routes happens not to be amon, but their other half and it’s not because of alice. AHHHHHH ( ･ᴗ･̥̥̥ )

idk what dynamic they’re gonna shoot for with dean & alice, but i do hope it doesn’t give off your ‘teacher-student’ vibes aha…… considering how dean’s personality appears so far though, i’d like to think that a slow burn would be fitting for them…? maybe something similar to lancelot’s where the conflict is given more focus than the romance itself.

tl;dr: background on the school + the day everything went dark. teacher vs. student(s) fight scenes + dean/alice fighting duo. dean being lolz evulz to his former students. tweedle twins drama, bless. if dean/alice gives off the teacher-student dynamic, well… can’t say i didn’t see that coming.

dalim. oh boy, while i’m trying hard not to expect anything for now, i can’t help but pray for something good with dalim. i think he has the best potential among the new three since he’s only (or first) suitor in an actual antagonistic position - he knows it, he accepts it, and he’s still going with it. if cybird handwaves a redemption arc for him thru the flimsy power of kira-kira labu (or friendship), i will be very, very, very disappointed. seriously.

anyway, there’s a lot of question marks surrounding him that i want answered but of course, more dirt on the magic tower. perhaps whatever details about the tower that they failed to address in harr’s route they can add + elaborate here, though i really wouldn’t mind knowing more nitty gritty on the human experimentation bit. then there’s the matter about the regression magic he developed. though maybe all before that detailed stuff, maybe some background about how dalim came to be a magic disciple would be good. and how and why he manages a pub on the side. origin stories are a must.

not gonna lie though - i’m more interested in his social life, his relationship with amon the first priority. how long has he known amon, did he approach amon or was it the other way around, when did he start serving amon, do amon and he have similar goals, how ‘loyal’ is he to amon, was he already amon’s subordinate when amon killed his father, did he help amon kill his father, why does he even serve such a guy in the first place... yeah, all that and more. hopefully those are going to be addressed. then there’s dean... if dalim’s goals + ambitions are purely for the sake of his older twin, i’m gonna cry a river. even moreso if his determination is so strong that he still chooses dean over his kira-kira labu for alice. now if cybird really does pull that off, consider me IMPRESSED. HOT DAMN.

them aside, in general his relationship tree seems complicated... he has strained relationships with harr + zero + loki + oliver, though it seems that he and harr still can seem to hold ‘conversations’ with each other... lancelot + seth don’t like him... idk if he was already involved in the day everything went dark operation, but if he was then ray + fenrir would definitely knock him down... lmao that’s a lot of hostility there, and that’s as dalim. as dum, zero + ray + fenrir + oliver are still wary of him haha! well, i hope his interactions with the rest of the cast will fare better / some of those relationships may not be as strained as they seem???

and the romance... since dalim’s human experimentation is a step farther and darker than edgar’s history of murder, there is no way you are going to make me swallow the possibility that he could go down the same route and be pardoned by cradle through trial. or in any way going to be redeemed + forgiven / set free quickly. no, i won’t accept it either if amon does something similar to a claudius and suddenly decides to say that he pulled dalim along for the ride (rather, i’d be furious). ends i’ll accept are dalim himself demanding for or receiving proper judgement for his actions. the feelings between dalim and alice are there & acknowledged, sure, but sadly regardless of what ending they physically cannot be together.

too angsty??? maybe it is, since i personally feel that his situation has the potential to feel more... well, military/war-fitting than the other suitors. i’m not hoping for that scenario simply because i want that extreme angst + drama, but rather because it somehow doesn’t sit right with me that someone so goal-focused, someone who seems to have walked down the wrong path of his own volition, who stated himself that he isn’t human and won’t let ethics stand in his way (zero’s route), would allow himself to be easily forgiven for all that he had done. it’s like a disservice. believe me, i like redemption arcs. but for something severe like what dalim dabbled in for what seemed like years... redemption almost sounds too kind.

i hope whatever they have planned for dalim would appear reasonable and satisfying, both to how they will portray his character and to the plot of his route as a whole.

tl;dr: more magic tower info. his history with amon. tweedle twins drama, bless. more insight into his relationship tree. cybird, dalim/alice’s foe yay has potential, pls don’t mess it up.....

[tiredbiostudent]

Hi! Could you maybe recommend some music, I keep listening to the same three songs and would love to find something new, doesn't have to be a specific genre. Also, you're blog is wonderful!

omg this is so sweet my heart is 🥺 rn but also, idk how much I can help because I also genuinely will listen to one song for an entire week straight and haven’t had a ton of time to find new music lately! but here’s some genre breakdowns of artists I love and some songs by them, or just individual tunes:

[edit: sorry this got insanely long!! I can maybe link spotify playlists if I ever get around to making some ‘:) but tl;dr my fave artists are frank ocean, sigrid, hozier, ben howard, cezinando, khalid, childish gambino, nas, lorde, the lumineers, rhcp, girl in red and travis scott]

1. guitar/rock indie-arcade fire: neighbourhood #3, the well and the lighthouse, we exist, afterlife, the suburbs, ready to start, SUBURBAN WAR!! (listen to the entire suburbs album if you want to feel rlly nostalgic about ur childhood)-ben howard (my favourite artist ever, I saw him live and it was phenomenal): rivers in your mouth, time is dancing, I forget where we were, only love, black flies, oats in the water, she treats me well, towing the line, follaton wood-rhcp (long time fave): under the bridge, by the way, californiacation, scar tissue, otherside, goodbye angels, dani California, snow (hey oh), tell me baby-city and colour (another old fave who I’ve also seen live and is amazing!! if you like hozier and the lumineers you’d like him, a bit of a less intense sound though): sleeping sickness, what makes a man, waiting…, constant knot, the golden state, killing time, wasted love, runaway, map of the world, blood, the grand optimist :’), northern wind, hello I’m in delaware-the scientist by coldplay.. if u haven’t been emo about this song since 2003 wyd-haven’t listened to her in forever but cosmic love by florence + the machine >>-girl in red (her music is great but her LYRICS r literally my soul): i wanna be your girlfriend, summer depression, i need to be alone, 4am, girls, say anything, bad idea, i’ll die anyway, we fell in love in october-harry styles: adore you, fine line, golden, sunflower vol. 6, sweet creature, lights up, to be so lonely, sign of the times, HIS COVER OF ULTRALIGHT BEAM-hozier (ANOTHER fave, fucking insane live too. sir ily): work song, in the woods somewhere, sedated, cherry wine, almost (sweet music) [song equivalent to a warm summer evening], movement !! holy f-, as it was, be, wasteland baby!-broken by lovelytheband-the lumineers (my guys!!!!): cleopatra, sleep on the floor, angela, long way from home, sick in the head, my eyes, white lie, donna, salt and the sea, slow it down, stubborn love-where’s my love by syml-mitski: washing machine heart, old friend, nobody, lonesome love-sam roberts band: bridge to nowhere, brother down, if you want it-saturn by sleeping at last-sufjan stevens: mystery of love, visions of Gideon (I don’t stan cmbyn but literally these two songs are the only thing I listened to from dec 2017 to feb 2018), the hidden river of my life, futile devices, Vesuvius-love will tear us apart cover by susanna and the magical orchestra-vance joy: mess is mine, Georgia, my kind of man, Saturday sun, we’re going home, lay it on me, take your time, I’m with you !!, like gold, crashing into you-remember when by wallows !!!

2. chill indie/pop-billie eilish: idontwannabeyouanymore, ilomilo, my strange addiction, bury a friend-cezinando (also my fave artist, and noen ganger is probs my fave album of all time): ingenting blir det samme men samme for meg, selv du, haper du har plass (if u can make it thru this song w/o crying on public transportation you are much stronger than I), tommolen pa vekta, er dette alt, usynlig-sigrid (the LOML and my other fave artist- seeing her live was the best day of my life no cap): dynamite, plot twist, fake friends, strangers,  don’t feel like crying, raw, focus, I don’t want to know, her cover of sex by the 1975 changed my life fr, mine right now, BASIC !!!!!, in vain, never mine [this is highkey bc I’m a bonafide sigrid stan but I cannot recommend her ENOUGH she has one of the most incredible voices ever, is an insanely talented songwriter, and her music is so hype and beautiful and yeah :’)]-khalid (I love his voice sm, also the ceo of vibes): bad luck, cold blooded, 8teen, my bad, better, hundred, Saturday nights, suncity-run by elsa and emilie-lorde (my bby): bravado, buzzcut season, the love club, the louvre, supercut, 400 lux, ribs, white teeth teens, a world alone-fy faen by hkeem & temur (have been listening to this song for 3 yrs straight no cap)-btstu by jai paul-8896 by lapsley-joji: slow dancing in the dark, will he-moon by kid francesoli-aloha by mome (another all time fave)-karpe diem: hvite menn som pusher 50, lett a vaere rebell i kjellerleiligheten din, gunerius, spis din syvende sans-astrid s: 2AM matoma remix (one of my fave songs ever tbh), hurts so good !!!, such a boy-myth by beachhouse -mgmt: kids, electric feel-nostalgi 3millioner by tomine harket & unge Ferrari -lykke li: sex money feelings die (did I listen to this song for 5 months straight last year? hm), I follow rivers-one direction (ofc): story of my life, 18, night changes, drag me down, literally all of Take Me Home which is unequivocally their best album I will take no criticism on that-berlin by ry x-dancing with a stranger by sam smith and normani-taylor swift (not rlly a fan but wowww some of her songs): call it what you want !!!!, false god, begin again, all you had to do was stay, clean-kamikaze by Susanne sundfor-tame impala: let it happen (the og and the soulwax remix), the less I know the better, gossip-head over heels by tears for fears-somebody else by the 1975 (apparently I was the only one who only discovered this song in 2019 but it’s like all I listened to from October-December)

3. rap & rnb-brockhampton: rental !!!, face, bleach, sweet-childish gambino: ii. zealots of stockholm, heartbeat, les, the “hardbone with a hard r” remix of bonfire and redbone drooooool-drake (yikes dude but ngl. chill bops): feel no ways, u with me?, hold on we’re going home, passionfruit, you and the 6-vince staples: bagbak, lift me up, norf norf-frank ocean (LOML frank I’d die for you. also my fave artist *proceeds to list his entire discography*): SEIGFRIED!!!!, songs 4 women, nights, chanel, ivy, thinkin bout you, sweet life, pyramids, lost, bad religion, pink matter, forrest gump, in my room, swim good, dust, american wedding, provider-jorja smith: blue lights, february 3rd, on your own-ransom by lil tecca-nas (fave to end all faves): take it in blood, represent, the message, halftime, affirmative action, street dreams, one love, hate me now, cherry wine, new world-mobb deep: hell on earth, survival of the fittest, party over, shook ones pt ii-travis scott: (astroworld is the only thing I listened to summer-fall 2018 no cap) astrothunder, coffee bean, Yosemite, butterfly effect, houstonfornication, skeletons, stop trying to be god, stargazing, highest in the room-kanye (don’t roast me for this): can’t tell me nothing, ultralight beam, fade, hold my liquor-drip too hard by lil baby-(all a product of tiktok) bop, toes, suge, panini remix by da baby-migos (lmao): notice me, slippery, pure water-walk man by tmg sfdjhfkdjfsdfs-go loko by YG-the weeknd: reminder, as you are, hurt you, privilege, tell your friends, starboy, sidewalks, high for this

(I also love old school rock music but haven’t listened to it much since highschool- my fave bands are led zeppelin, CCR, boston, fleetwood mac, pink floyd, blue oyster cult, styx, the who)

[thevoidcannotbefilled]

Can you talk some more about this FMA-in-TMA-'verse AU? If you don't want it on this blog, then I'd be fine with something on your other blog, so long as you send me the link to the post (because I wouldn't otherwise see it prolly).

I’m fine with it here!

Okay there’s two versions. 1) Non-Archivist version. The journey is the same but there’s a statement at best. 2) The version where in his research to get his body back to normal, Ed ends up at an Institute possibly even The Magnus Institute or at least, the German branch of the Magnus Institute (bc Amestris is based vaguely on Germany), where Ed ends up as a researcher and then possibly as an Archivist. 

Either way the backstory is the same:

Ed and Al are very young when their Father leaves them with their mother left behind. Hoenheim was a strange man, memorable, but still, every strange. He had this gaze, not unkind, but it seemed far too long and far too sharp, and as far as anyone could tell, at the very least, Pinako would say, he seemed as old as he was the day they met him. But some people just age differently…right? Right. 

Either way, Trisha raises Ed and Al alone, and the two are free to explore their house…and eventually their father’s study. In there, they find various odd things. Books especially, some of which say from the Library of Jorgen Leitner…? 

Trisha finds them before they get a chance to read too far. 

But their interest in the supernatural is peaked, and in the little research they saw, they found a fascination with the power it could hold, but to use and to be wary of. They don’t go far, but they look into little things, ghosts, Leitners, even vampires, and with it, they gain knowledge that children shouldn’t have at their ages. 

And then Trisha dies.

Now, they know ghosts exist. They know powers beyond their imagining exists. They’re children, and they love their mother…so they try to bring her back. 

From here, idk the exact series of events. Maybe they still would go learn from Izumi (which since this is probably modern times, it wouldn’t be as okay to take children, but she probably would send them info. She probably would be Slaughter or Hunt aligned, I’d think? Maybe Beholding, but Hunt seems the best of the three). 

I think they’d try to research End specific things and a little bit of Flesh…and of course, it goes wrong. Their mother…she doesn’t come back.

Tbh, I would find it most interesting if they accidentally created a creature..and it lived. A weird combination of Flesh and End, not really living but living enough to have a heart and be made from the ingredients of what makes “people”. There wouldn’t be a door or Truth… just the End and the Flesh mixing and Al and Ed paying the consequences of it. 

I can’t think of a way where Al’s soul could be bound. I just can’t. The only way it could work… if we go FMA canon, where Al is in the body of the creature they made… but instead of dying the moment it was created, Al is just stuck in it. Ed meanwhile loses a couple limbs, but more importantly, he’s marked by the End and the Flesh….maybe gaining ability from the End in its mark. 

From here, Ed probably journey’s his brother. Al can’t come along because of the new monster form, so Ed would be alone. 

If Ed becomes an Archivist and researcher…well, he’s already marked by the End and the Flesh, he would make for a good Archive, no? 

I’m gonna go a little bit on the first one, not too much. But just imagine Ed, Roy, Riza, and all the others being stuck in a room together in an Archive with ED as their boss. Or or or, Roy was being trained as an Archivist bc he was marked by the Slaughter and later Desolation, and Ed being put with him as a back-up Archivist/researcher. 

King Bradley is probably the head of the Institute, with Father being a Web Avatar with a bunch of other avatars under his beck and control (all based off different powers. Envy: Stranger. Lust: Web or Hunt. Gluttony: Flesh. Greed: Vast Bradley: Beholding but with Slaughter tendencies. Sloth: Buried with a side of Flesh and Lonely. Pride: Dark). Father put Bradley there on purpose in order to keep an eye for any good contenders. 

Hoenheim and Father were twins years ago. Father manipulated Hoenheim into being a part of a Web ritual, and ended up making him an avatar in the process. The ritual, of course, failed, and Father after years of observation realized that bringing one person wasn’t enough, he needed many. 

Hoenheim left Trisha for similar reasons as in canon: he wanted to become human for him family. He just ended up being too late. 

Quick fire things in no particular order:

- Moral conflict between Ed and the others. He is a character who’s main thing isn’t killing in a killed or be killed world, so he’ll have to deal with that.

-Riza’s dad was probably involved in some desolation shit, and as a result, Riza got a fire tattoo on her back to which Roy burned off for her. 

-Listen I want Olivia in this but idk how, but she’d be marked by the Slaughter just by how hardcore she is. Alex Louis Armstrong might be a member the Archives as well, or he might just be a random dude? Hmmm. Maybe he would join the Archives later. 

-Hughes is def a part of the Archives. He realized something was fishy about this whole Institute business, but he got killed before he could tell anyone the details he found. 

-Nina and Alexander is part of a Flesh thing, and it’s just as horrific as canon. 

-Ed has HIGH empathy for all monsters, even the worst ones because of Al’s state. As a result, he nearly gets himself killed a lot trying to see the humanity in avatars that don’t want to be human anymore. 

-Al is at home getting used to his form. Possibly if there’s a scene where they have to hide or at the very least, get away from the Institute, they go to their place, and everyone in the Archives realizes what Ed’s been fighting for this entire time. Al is in fact, coherent in his new body, if in constant pain, and can barely speak. I feel like he does a lot of research while Ed is gone, in a different way. 

-Pinako and Winry are physical therapists. They help Al in whatever way they can. 

-Oh! When Ed first loses his limbs, they don’t bleed. They just cut off perfectly, so he doesn’t bleed out. He gets prosthetics. 

-Baby faced Ed says he’s 18. Keep in mind, he probably tries to join the institute when he’s 12. He is somehow let in to the bafflement of everyone and his own smugness. At 14, he’s moved down to the Archives. 

-Idk if his crew would lead to the end of the world, but it could easily lead to the end of the world with the Web at its center. 

[kpopisthereasonihavenolife]

Omg Tay, I have so much to say about Oberon! Seriously, I made a new note on my phone so I could remember all my reactions to it. First of all, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! IT'S SO FREAKING GOOD AND THE WORLD BUILDING YOU DID REALLY PAID OFF AND I'M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR FINISHING THIS BEHEMOTH OF A FIC!!!! I digress, the world building was so beautifully done. The different take in fairies (regarding the leaf fairies) and the tree traveling! All the different species of creatures in the central village!

2/6)  It was all wonderful! I especially loved how you spent some time on how the OC was cleaned up to show the difference in how it's done there. Speaking of cleaned up, I LOVE ALINA! SHE'S SO CUTE AND I WANTED MORE OF HER TAY! I love how you made all of the OC's dresses resemble flowers in some way, it really ties in the importance of nature to the Fae. I got mad Beauty and the Beast vibes at some parts too. On-Looker's Lake, when the OC sees the books, and Joon saving the OC being the best examples

3/6)  I deadass thought that the thing in the lagoon was a kraken! Idk why, but I did😂 and then I was like "update: it's a kelpie". I wanted to also mention how you took a twist on environmental activism in the human world. I'm definitely a sustainability conscious person and I thought that the dichotomy of the Order and the RAO was fascinating. I also really liked how you made it that the "waves cannot keep secrets" instead of the trees or flowers cannot keep secrets we see so much in literature!

4/6)  Also, the fact that the OC was like "Namjoom sounds fake" 😂 I laughed so hard when I read that! I also wrote down "THE MANDRAKE LEAF!! HARRY POTTER IS BACK BITCHES". I was just really happy about it. Also, I really liked the part where Joon showed the OC Titania via their dreams. I thought it was well done and I loved the intermingling of the real memory and then the possible (which definitely happen) interaction with the OC. Tbh, I thought Titania's soul was doing some weird stuff to the OC

5/6)  But it just turned out to the air,,, I'd really love to see more(?) interactions with the OC and Titania via dreams or while unconscious. I think it would be really cool. Lastly, I was highkey hoping Joon would kill the Order dudes. It would have been nice to see, but I guess diplomacy is fine too. I do have a few questions for you. With the tree traveling, is it via the root system or the trunks and branches? You mentioned going up so I wasn't 100% sure

6/6)  Also, what is the time difference between the human and fae realms? I know that the Fae realm is slower than the human realm, but by how much? Overall this was such an amazing piece of work and it definitely took Blight's spot for #1 out of your fics. Your hard work paid off and I'm so glad that I could help keep you motivated and (somewhat) sane while at work or writing. Lastly, I really love that (literal) cliffhanger you left us at😂😂 Much love Tay💜

WAAAH LILAC THERE IS SO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE AND I LOVE IT.  I love that you took note while reading- that makes me so happy uwu. First, I’m happy you were happy with the world-building! I only complained about it to you about aBAZILLION TIMES LOL.  And the Leaflets design was inspired by me actually pulling apart leaves as a hobby when I’m forced to sit in nature LOL.  

I ALSO LOVE ALINA.  I WANT TO MAKE THIS CLEAR.  I didn’t intend to have as many OCs as I did (three to be specific + Titania ig) in this piece, but although I love all of them, my little mute Alara fairy girl is def. my favorite.  10/10 would die for her. I actually didn’t realize any parallels while writing it, but yeah I can def. see the Beauty and the Beast connections now that you point it out- how neat! 

For the Kelpie, I had a lot of options when choosing what species of fairy to make the quote ‘bad guy’ when looking through te Unseelie Court, but the Kelpie was the one I was most familiar with (thanks anime LOL) so I just went with them.  Plus, the thing under the water holding her down while the KEplie attacked her, wasn’t actually another Keplie but instead a dead tree that had fallen into the lake because a branch of the Order’s pollution killed it.  It sensed the OC’s humanity, thus deemed her the enemy.  

For the inclusion of the Order and the RAO, the whole premise of this is absolutely an anti-pollution thing as that is the *biggest* issue the RAO has with the Order and their constant want to burn down/shrink the forest or just kill it (I mean how dumb amiright?). I didn’t want to play into it too much, well bc who wants to read a 42k fic about pollution and rebellion in the form of going against the government? Sounds too much like irl politics if you ask me LOL. 

For the ‘waves keeping secrets’ I kept it like that instead of the forest greenery because unlike the forest’s grass or trees or flowers, the water has a distinct connection between Liana and the human world!  All sorts of gossip come from the water LOL. 

LOL The ‘namjoon sounds fake’ line was actually for the original concept where this was gonna be a wonho fic.  He was gonna announce himself as Wonho and not Hoseok, so she would accuse him of a ‘fake name’ and later on he’d really tell her his birthday.  However, when I changed idols, I decided to keep it in for comedy!! (also the mandrakes actually weren’t inspired by HP, but from an RPG horror game Mad Father, bc ya girl hasn’t seen/read any HP material oops) 

If I’m being honest, the parts featuring Titania and the dreams the OC was materialized in are some of my favorite parts.  Not just because I loved Titania and the way she held herself in her short little scenes, but because it opened more of Oberon’s story.  Briefly touching on his reluctance to be King Oberon to fast-forwarding to the point he had to rule on his own when she died.  

The reason the OC got so sick was a mixture of things.  In the story, obvs it’s explained it was the air.  However, there is more too it! I kept it brief because in the moment, Namjoon didn’t have the time for a proper explaination- both when the OC was dying and when he was explaining things to Changkyun and her on the cliffside.  The reason really tied back to the Kelpie.  

It was explained that the Kelpie took a chunk of her magic when it attacked her at the grey lake, right? Well, it’s because of the chunk of magic it took that Liana’s air became toxic. OC’s magic was tied into her by the soul fragment she was born with that held Titania.  When the Kelpie attacked her, it took a large part of that fragment out- the piece that was able to breathe and live in the forest's air like Titania once did.  So, in a sense, it was Titania keeping her safe from the pure air, and when she lost it, it all went downhill.  so, you were really wrong to assume it was Titania! 

Tbh, the ONLY reason Namjoon didn’t kill the Order platoon was bc before he could the OC was already marching towards them and he didn’t want to risk anything.  If she hadn’t started going to the leader for his radio, he would have made tree-kababs out of them. 

For the Tree Trunk Travel System (as our OC calls it lol), it was a mixture of root connections and teleportation.  All the trees int he forest are connected via their underground root system.  For traveling to be possible, you’d get into a tree, think of the place you want to travel to, and through, magic relay that to the tree so it could find the root of the nearest tree to that location.  Then it’d be a gust of wind from below (because of the roots finding the passage) before you disappear and reappear somewhere near! It’s a lot less complicated than it sounds lol.

The time difference between Liana and the human world is a big funky I’ll admit.  I didn’t put a lot of thought into it frankly.  However, as stated when OC returns after her ‘almost dying attack’ Changkyun mentions how she was gone for two months.  Before that, OC mentions how she had been in Liana a month. So, it’d be easiest to assume that Liana moves and works a full month behind the humans.  So, for example, April in the Human world would still be March in Liana.  

WOW THIS GOT LONG LOL. I hope I answered all your questions (and if not just ask me again LOL).  I’m so so so grateful to you for reading it and keeping me motivated to write it! And ofc, your moral support while I edited this monster LOL.  Who knows, maybe next time I’ll ask you to beta if something ever get’s this big again LOL (probably not bc i have a guilty conscience alsdkjf).  

I’m glad you enjoyed Oberon as much as you hoped and although Blight may not be #1, I don’t think Jungkook would mind since Namjoon took his place LOL.  

Much love coming to you from me!!! 

[batsysims]

didnt wanna do an actual Simself Edit™ so have an arrested development reference

anyways

i was tagged by @0cherub & i tag any1 who hasnt done this yet bc who doesnt like answering 125 questions abt themselves oh also @flavortowne im forcing you to do this sry

get to know me tag

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? its batsy dont worry abt it

2. WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME? its batsy dont worry abt it

3. BIRTHDAY? september 15

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK SERIES?  what?? are books

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS OR GHOSTS? ye both

6. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR? ummmm idk lmfao i havent “read” a “book”” in like 5 years 

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE RADIO STATION? 35 & 36 on sirius are like basically the exact same station but that doesnt mean i dont constantly alternate between the two whenever im near a radio

8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF ANYTHING? pink is a v trustworthy flavor

9. WHAT WORD WOULD YOU USE OFTEN TO DESCRIBE SOMETHING GREAT OR WONDERFUL? *owen wilson voice* wrow

10. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONG? what kinda question is this wt f ive currently reobsessed myself w marina and the diamonds so honestly any of her discography

11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE WORD? idk any words :^/ sry

12. WHAT WAS THE LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO? wheels on the bus im exhausted

13. WHAT TV SHOW WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EVERYBODY TO WATCH? man in the high castle. man in the high castle. man in the high ca

14. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE TO WATCH WHEN YOU’RE FEELING DOWN? clerks al;dksfjf

15. DO YOU PLAY VIDEO GAMES? almost exclusively sims and fallout but every once in a while some indie game i find on steam so. yea

16. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR? never doing anything in my life and having nothing 2 look forward to!! yay

17. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? probably my resiliency, maybe?? idk

18. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY, IN YOUR OPINION? my habit of allowing bad things to happen to me lol

19. DO YOU LIKE CATS OR DOGS BETTER? cats but im sorta kinda indifferent 2 both i think i might 1 of the 5 ppl on earth who dont like having pets

20. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? summer and fall

21. ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP? yea

22. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU MISS FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? not being lazy lmfao

23. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND? @flavortowne eye emoji

24. WHAT IS YOUR EYE COLOR? blue

25. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? its natural brown but im thinkn abt going either red or blonde again

26. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU LOVE? like 3 ppl irl and everyone on discord u guys legit

27. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU TRUST? my person and @flavortowne eye emoji

28. WHO IS SOMEONE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? tom hardy. what is his end goal

29. ARE YOU CURRENTLY EXCITED ABOUT/FOR SOMETHING? tbh going 2 basic lmfao im!! lame

30. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST OBSESSION? as of right now,, spiderverse lol

31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW AS A CHILD? teletubbies was fckn legit and so was old school spongebob

32. WHO OF THE OPPOSITE GENDER CAN YOU TELL ANYTHING TO, IF ANYONE? my person

33. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? im not superstitious,,, but i am a little stitious

34. DO YOU HAVE ANY UNUSUAL PHOBIAS? i cant deal w fishing poles idk

35. DO YOU PREFER TO BE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA OR BEHIND IT? in front babey

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOBBY? sims or stitching play foods 4 the kid to use on her play kitchen

37. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? stop asking book questions

38. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? spiderverse yeye

39. WHAT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY? piano & i try 2 pretend i know what im doing w a ukulele

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL? stingrays :^)

41. WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 FAVORITE TUMBLR BLOGS THAT YOU FOLLOW? legit all my mutuals

42. WHAT SUPERPOWER DO YOU WISH YOU HAD? i had an oc that could read ppls memories like a scrapbook if he touched them and i always honestly thought that was. cool

43. WHEN AND WHERE DO YOU FEEL MOST AT PEACE? in my house!! the door b locked bitch!!!!

44. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE? toddler being an idiot toddler

45. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY, IF ANY?  its not really,, a sport,, but i bike

46. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK? cream soda in those glass bottles is top tier non-alcoholic beverage

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A HAND-WRITTEN LETTER OR NOTE TO SOMEBODY? i wrote a letter 2 my person telling him he was an idiot and by the time it was mailed 2 his house i was already living there lol

48. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? nah

49. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? either ppl blowing vape in my face or holding something so close to my face i cant see i just go ballistic

50. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT? nope unless u count a sesame street liveshow like 10 years ago

51. ARE YOU VEGAN/VEGETARIAN? nope!

52. WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GREW UP? a cop lmfao

53. WHAT FICTIONAL WORLD WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE IN? this is horrible but the setting of new vegas i just feel like id be at home there, w the radiation and constant danger and dehydration

54. WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WORRY ABOUT? the kid

55. ARE YOU SCARED OF THE DARK? only when im looking in the mirror adlkfj start thinkn abt a different face showing up instead of mine idk

56. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? yea

57. HAVE YOU EVER SKIPPED SCHOOL? skipped a whole year adlfkj

58. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PLACE ON THE PLANET? this is basic but i miss the tri-state area

59. WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE? this is basic but i miss nj

60. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? yea :^/ a dog, a cat, and uhhhh 14 fish

61. ARE YOU MORE OF AN EARLY BIRD OR A NIGHT OWL? night owl but honestly im just always tired

62. DO YOU LIKE SUNRISES OR SUNSETS BETTER? sunsettttt

63. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? i do

64. DO YOU PREFER EARBUDS OR HEADPHONES? headphones. they just work

65. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? nah but i need em

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC? i listen to everything tbh

67. WHO IS YOUR HERO? michael cera

68. DO YOU READ COMIC BOOKS? i used to read them religiously but not so much any more. i am reading the TAZ graphic novel tho

69. WHAT MAKES YOU THE MOST ANGRY? having to repeat myself 20 times. or being an idiot when i wanna start a new hobby

70. DO YOU PREFER TO READ ON AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE OR WITH A REAL BOOK? idk how to read

71. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? honestly i had a blast in econ and my law enforcement class

72. DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? a bro, another sibling, and a half-bro

73. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? food lmfao

74. HOW TALL ARE YOU? every time i measure myself im 5′2″ but the government insists that i am 5′3″ so w/e

75. CAN YOU COOK? yeap

76. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU LOVE? alcohol, bike riding, wearing stupid makeup

77. WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT YOU HATE? ppl holding me back, bird box, when my nail breaks before i can file it so its all oglee

78. DO YOU HAVE MORE FEMALE FRIENDS OR MORE MALE FRIENDS? uh idk?? i dont have,, many,,,, friends

79. WHAT IS YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION? bi

80. WHERE DO YOU CURRENTLY LIVE? sc :’^(

81. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TEXTED? my brother

82. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 2 nights ago the kid pistol whipped me in the chin w her phone and it just hurt so bad it legit made me lose it

83. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE YOUTUBER? ok this is dumb as shit the kid is obsessed w Blippi and i have a mom crush on him afdslfkjs

84. DO YOU LIKE TO TAKE SELFIES? ye

85. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE APP? i am currently obsessed w L.O.L. Surprise! Pop but all in all probs Pocket Camp

86. WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARENT(S) LIKE? bad as parents but theyre fine now that im an adult and they have a grandkid they can like

87. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN ACCENT? i dont like a majority of them lmfao but idk maybe uh?? irish

88. WHAT IS A PLACE THAT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO, BUT YOU WANT TO VISIT? rly wanna go to nevada but im moving to the mojave soon anyways so

89. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 15

90. CAN YOU JUGGLE? nope

91. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? i was raised christian but i dont rly give a shit abt any of that

92. DO YOU FIND OUTER SPACE OR THE DEEP OCEAN TO BE MORE INTERESTING? outer space my dood the ocean is dumb and scary

93. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE A DAREDEVIL? im jus livin my life

94. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? i mean. im lactose intolerant but thats abt it

95. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? nope

96. CAN YOU WIGGLE YOUR EARS? no

97. HOW OFTEN DO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? when im wrong abt something

98. DO YOU PREFER THE FOREST OR THE BEACH? forest ig bad choices

99. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN YOU? i dont think i was ever given advice, ever. maybe thats why im like this

100. ARE YOU A GOOD LIAR? idk i try not 2 lie unless its like. an obvious exaggeration for the lols

101. WHAT IS YOUR HOGWARTS HOUSE? wtf idk ok i just did one of those quizzes & im a slytherin?? what does that mean

102. DO YOU TALK TO YOURSELF? yeah

103. ARE YOU AN INTROVERT OR AN EXTROVERT? more of an introvert but im ok w going out there if i gotta

104. DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL/DIARY? i keep one for the kid but thats abt it

105. DO YOU BELIEVE IN SECOND CHANCES? nah. unless it was something stupid like burning food like im not gonna ban u from the kitchen

106. IF YOU FOUND A WALLET FULL OF MONEY ON THE GROUND, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? if theres an id i guess mail it 2 the address on there?? idk ive never just. found a wallet. i think this happens a lot less than all the hypotheticals make it out to be

107. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF CHANGE? if theyre dedicated to it. i dont think ppl can just do it over night and i dont think its ever a 100% change

108. ARE YOU TICKLISH? dont touch me

109. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A PLANE? Yep

110. DO YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? 2 in both ears but thats it

111. WHAT FICTIONAL CHARACTER DO YOU WISH WAS REAL? spidr...mna

112. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS? no :^( once im cleared for them tho deffo

113. WHAT IS THE BEST DECISION THAT YOU’VE MADE IN YOUR LIFE SO FAR? i hate that this is the answer but enlisting adlfkjs

114. DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA? yeah ig??

115. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? glasses

116. DO YOU WANT CHILDREN? 2 late

117. WHO IS THE SMARTEST PERSON YOU KNOW? we all b stupit

118. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING MEMORY? idk?? i get embarrassed but also get over it quick so like. idk

119. HAVE YOU EVER PULLED AN ALL-NIGHTER? yea

120. WHAT COLOR ARE MOST OF YOU CLOTHES? black & red

121. DO YOU LIKE ADVENTURES? mhm

122. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV? i was on nickelodeon back when they had those cuts to the Live Studio Audience™

123. HOW OLD ARE YOU? 21

124. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE? “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”

125. DO YOU PREFER SWEET OR SAVORY FOODS? savory i almost never eat anything sweet

[whispy-juniper]

Tw tw tw tw impending doom ahahah fuck

I just now have a constant intense sense of impending doom.

Thankfully I live in a (currently) blue state but tbh I dont feel like that means much anymore.

What with the talk of having detection dogs at airports for pregnancies and certain medications being restricted and banned and and... jfc EVERYTHING. The cost of everything. Lack of healthcare in general.

The overturning of Native America protections and the...

Fucking everything.

I orders 2 pepper spray canisters and 3 Plan B pills off Amazon.

I'm a married lesbian. I shouldn't be ordering Plan B "just in case".

And now October it looks like is when they're set to start going after lgbt+ rights.

I've seen several people talk about how if the pattern follows like it has in history as these all get overturned and our rights stripped mass incarceration happens.

And now

Truthfully

I dont expect to be alive by Halloween.

Because of this shit.

I've been... like I dont want to actively kill myself (usually) but if I just casually never woke up from a nap or something that'd be fine.

I dont want to go out because a bunch of old shitty people are power hungry.

Now I just feel like I have an expiration date.

I'm CONSTANTLY holding back tears of despair and absolute rage.

I'm at work rn and I feel like I shouldn't be bc WHATS THE FUCKING POINT I'm wasting time when I could be at least doing things I WANT to do until then. But no. Imma just work miserably until then.

I dont want to be here. At least let me use the last few months to enjoy some small things.

I don't know.

I just.

I don't expect to live past Halloween solely bc of this shit happening. If my marriage gets nuked and they pass the sodomy laws they want to....

I guess that's it

Idk

[choric]

( park jimin - demimale, he/they ) — did you see noeul han walking down the street? the twenty-three year old has lived here for three weeks. i heard they’re an aspiring painter & a part-time barista now, time sure flies. gooey by glass animals always did remind of them, maybe it’s because they’re so audacious & charitable. though i did hear they can also be commanding & capricious if you catch them on a bad day.

hey babes drum-roll it’s admin fany here to welcome yall~ with some random info about me I guess uh so I’m 26, living in northern europe, most of the time dying bc I’m not made for these hot ass summers, other times just being distracted twelve times outta ten jsyk I’m not ignoring anyone my attention span is just in the negatives. or I’m playing overwatch. or subnautica when I’m feeling particularly masochistic.  would drop dead without tea. ye. that’s all for today folks

anyway here’s Noeul’s profile if you wanna peep also a very messy plot page aaaand I’m gonna ramble about him now uwu

tw: emotional abuse, tw: assault ( kinda brief mentions, esp the assault, I tried keeping it safe )

born in Seoul but his family moved to USA when he was barely 6. they moved around a l o t since then but stayed within the borders. save for one weird year in France back in 2010

he haTED it. all the constant moving around and starting at new schools with new people trying to get new friends and find new hobbies and leaving pretty much everything behind so often just stressed the hell out of his young self and he was in a perpetual state of over-emotional about the whole ordeal and angry and bitter and yeah. not having a good time

over the years he managed to find ways to cope with it, drawing and painting being a major thing as it was one of very few things he could just continue without any special arrangements made or it feeling different. putting all that bent up negativity on paper was helpful in itself so he stuck with it without much thought then, clinging into a lifeline of one constant in a sea of variables

later on it morphed from being less of a therapeutic activity and more one of him being able just flow with creativity, paint with a less personal agenda and enjoy it way more too ( not to say he doesn't still use it as a form of escapism too )

reading was another thing he found enjoyment in, especially during his early teenage years. that is something he doesn't engage that often in anymore however

his parents didn’t really care about what hobbies he took on ( even with painting carrying throughout the years he ended up trying a whole slew of other things too ) until it became apparent he was actually considering art as a legit career path. neither agreed it being a good idea but they didn’t flat out deny him either.. just were very patronising about it for months and by that time he had come to actual decision of going through with it out of pettiness alone lmao. which of course served nothing but to legit piss them off and led to a number of arguments they still have to this day yikes

his parents entire view on life seemed to be there was no point getting attached to anything, sentimentality was a flaw and you could just buy everything you needed again without much care for what was left behind. especially his mom had a lot of emotionally abusive ways to steer his life in the direction she wanted, but giving just enough freedom for him to think he had a say in anything. not to say she wasn’t supportive and encouraging too but he honest to god can’t tell now how much of it was genuine. she was especially fond of using subtle blackmail in form of referring to her own feelings and how his actions will upset her, occasionally bursting into a loud tirade which was then quickly pushed to the side without any apologies for making him in turn upset so boy was always just on edge. this still happens but he pretty much only communicates with her through calls anymore so, Noeul just hangs up when she starts acting up. his dad was more the type to not involve himself into his hobbies and likes or anything at all he only cared about academic plans.

that all messed him up big time in his younger years bc he was inherently just very attached to everything and everyone but now.. it’s almost the complete opposite, enough repetition and shit will stick I guess cause he has next to no sentimental feelings towards anything, in turn actually loves travelling and meeting new people now. partially also cause he doesn’t feel obligated to uphold anything or allow himself being chained down, he treats everything like it’s fleeting, but not without care– don’t assume he doesn’t care when that’s something he does in abundance actually. he just.. accepts nothing lasts forever. ironic enough he’s adopted far too many of his parent’s habits to count now but has grown more tender with the experiences rather than cold. probably a miracle in itself. hella guarded about his feelings tho

so yeah he moved to LA ( parents were at the time both living in NYC ) for art school and got that bachelor of fine arts degree, graduating just spring last year and has no desire to further those studies cause screw school he’s done with institutions for a decade

also his parents filed for divorce while he was at it. before he was even done with freshman year. wasn’t all too surprising nor did he have anything to really say about it, except the times mom called him whilst drunk and essentially blamed it on him being a bad son :/// his dad’s fucked off somewhere he hasn’t heard whole lot from him in last three years beside birthday texts and money transfers to his bank account. and subtle messages through mom about how he expects him to clean up one of these days. meanwhile mom mostly contacts just to check he’s alive & doing well financially while slipping in vague ‘if you would have just listened to me‘s and ‘when will you come to your senses’s >_>

forgot to mention his dad’s a CEO of a small airline company. don’t ask me what his mom does idk prob some manager of a huge ass successful online shop?? something along those lines

will not speak about them if asked tbh don't expect anything other than "they're alive."

does not like announcing his ( their ) wealth to the world either and tries not to make decisions that could reflect that but something always has to give in the end. like he’s just way too happy to blow money on other people no matter how subtle he tries to be about it and often like his parents buys new stuff instead of finding ways to bring his old along, some of his clothes are also a dead giveaway it’s not so much that he specifically purchases anything cause it’s designer but if it looks nice he doesn’t see it as any different buying from any other store around. smells awfully lot like privilege but he’s unapologetic in getting exactly what he wants, it’s not his problem if someone takes offence to that

kind of also hates that he’s so dependant on parent’s money still but has made peace with it by giving away and works twice as hard for his own stuff, regardless if it yields anything cause he’s not doing this whole painting thing as a means to gain money ( would like to, but alas, it’s a tricky career path ) more from pure passion for the art

and noeul def is not gonna tell them to stop sending him cash he'll just have fun spending it in all the shit they'd hate-- even if they've basically set conditions but weird enough haven't cut him off yet.  guess that really is the only thing they can give him and they know it too :)) 

so. doesn’t actually like sitting idle even tho he all but could, yet cannot happily place himself in an establishment with very strict 9 to 5 shifts and such, so if and when he takes on extra work occasionally it’s always part-time, and for own personal gratification

in the case of him recently taking on a spot as a part-time barista here in acarike ( started like, two days ago or something ) was also bc of keeping up appearances ( surely he would run out of money eventually? no, but no one needs to know that ) and getting to know some of the people around since his group of road-tripping friends have seriously decided to settle in

if anyone was wondering yes he has experience working in cafes, among other places. his parents abhorred him taking on such jobs at all cause “what was the point? are we not providing enough?” first of all did he ask?

I guess he is currently residing in the stardust motel?? but is looking for a place

for him travelling in the past few years has been sorta cathartic, inspiring if I dare say both in personal growth and in his work since he can decide on everything by himself, where he wants to go, for how long, for why etc

sometimes likes when he has company for that, other times he just needs to make a trip in solitary. altogether prefers meeting random people along the way

is a kind of odd friend, loyal, compassionate and all that but puts himself before anyone else. or rather puts his emotional and other needs before everything else. if he feels you’re the one getting more out of it than he is it’s not worth it sorry. very generous tho and sees it as his duty to help others in any way if it doesn’t inconvenience him. not unreliable but available only when it suits him. so unless it’s life threatening or emotional distress he will not drop everything for even a friend’s sake you can wait an hour or two. can make friends as quick as he drops them

might get a little inappropriately affectionate with friends. especially so when intoxicated

is an even weirder lover. he loves the idea and feeling of being in love and the emotional thrill of it. relationships are fun yeah but commitment?? not in his. vocabulary. to elaborate he lives for the push and pull and the suspense of it all and needs things to stay stimulating on all levels across the board when deepening relationships further while also being able to maintain a sense of own freedom. he craves the sort of emotional security and gratification it all brings but refuses to become dependant on it ( he knows how that will go ), furthermore does not like all the limitations it brings nor everything being perfect to the point of feeling fake??

tries to make it clear that he’s NOT looking for anything long term but even then people haven’t taken it well when he out of the blue announces they should stop whatever it is they’re doing. he always feels bad about it and tries to part in good terms but yeah :// many hearts have been broken. it’s probably even worse for the other person cause Noeul himself seems to have absolutely no problem continuing his life like nothing happened. all this has made him into a bit of a serial dater??

in whole he takes everything as they are, nothing is everlasting and he doesn’t try to make it so, doesn’t necessarily want to. values experiences but doesn’t get too hung up on letting go of them. including relationships. this is something a lot of people in his life wont understand and it’s frustrating for everyone involved sometimes but you gotta do what you gotta do. might be scared of opening up to people. of that attachment. maybe he’s actually just picky and is waiting for something out of the world magical who knows

repels all negativity as if his life depended on it like. add begone thot meme here

but can also be very confrontational so???

is actually in constant war with himself over positive and negative emotions but filters that out pretty handily. most of the time. cause uh absolutely will turn vicious and loud when angry. sensitive to criticism and personal attacks but gets over it quick enough. does hold grudges but mainly towards people whose opinion he cares about. strangers rarely phase him. has random emotion™ bursts but tbh only cries when being shouted at and/or being target of someone’s wrath-- OR when noeul's angry himself?? also lowkey dramatic but most of the time he’s just sorta chill and cheery, occasionally sarcastic but in a good-natured way he doesn’t mean ill with it. has very strong opinions on some things but doesn’t care if someone else sees it differently. as long as they’re not saying their way is the only right way. or if their reasoning is utter bullshit which he will call out then :))

negative people just make him laugh. will not take your ass seriously at all if you’re being a douche. used to take offence to these kinds of people all the time but he’s grown out of it and learned to simply ignore people who don’t deserve the time of his day. at least outwardly.

similarly used to be very.. well. lets say prone to letting people control and push him around cause that’s what he had learned to accept but whoo boy when he finally figured it out and took the reigns into own hands no one could stop him try it bitch

likes doing things in own terms in general, need for control has kinda taken off so will not take kindly to being ordered around in any manner. tries not to impose on other people or be pushy himself but cannot stand indecisiveness so. it happens. for better or for worse

in tune with his surroundings and current community of people if something’s off he can sense it and it will bug him to no end before it’s fixed. this could be anything from his room being in disarray to something going on in the city in whole

I ain’t saying he’s a psychic but actually stupid intuitive most cases WILL see through your bullshit don’t even try

…ok but lowkey into supernatural stuff and spirituality all that jazz he’s gone through it all while trying to find himself– which is a whole another can of worms we ain’t opening here

did I forget to mention noeul and co ( minho & jae ) rolled into town in this shiny big rv. he's def looking to buy a smaller car to drive around

not too keen on giving rides to strangers since this one time two summers ago that went south real fast when a guy pulled a knife on him. has a pretty big scar to show for it on his right side? tummy?? there’s a pic in the profile page if you’re curious. he jokes about it now "it adds character" but is actually terrified of that happening again so perpetually jumpy minho blames himself for it cause he's dumb

you can prob hear him coming 5 miles away with the amount of jewellery he adorns

don’t get me started on his wardrobe it’s a mixed bag and then some. gender norms belong into the fiery pits of a volcano

is equal parts a tea & coffee enthusiast basically lives off that stuff. i'm probably not even exaggerating here boy forgets to eat when he gets focused on something and just wolfs down a pot of coffee.

obsessed with watermelon flavoured lollipops probably has one on him at all times somehow magically pulls them outta thin air??

you can prob find him painting outside in the randomest places when the weather's nice

likes painting on people probably as much as painting them

it’s not an intimacy thing I swear. but. can be?? probably accidentally turns that way that’s just how he is

prefers either to focus on faces ( eyes specifically ) or nude models in general fcking @ him

this. is so long already I’m sorry omg

and that’s all I got my brains’ fried over this all but yo come plot with me pls also check my plots maybe orrr if you want me to check your plots ( I’d love to!! ) come poke me ay ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[404fmdhaon]

aesthetic and headcanon — parental ties

summary: when he was younger, he used to have a decent relationship with his parents. suddenly, it fizzles out and he becomes this black sheep of the family — the whole abandonment issue? it’s on a flip side where he’s cut his parents off entirely without a word or talk. the thought of his own parents tastes bitter in his mouth as he’s only tried to completely wipe away the traces of what ties him to the family name that he’s born into. it’s poison being the last name, and he wants to make damn sure that nobody knows that he’s associated with his parents. they’re kosher, he’s not. headcanon: detailed look on his family wc: 847

chung raewon — vice ceo of hyund*i motors / board of hyund*i

his father was the third son and an unlikely candidate to take over the family family seeing as he was third

so he got his piece of cake with the hyund*i motor branch (which to be honest, ends up being the most successful part of the family business)

thus, the family lived really well off inside their really big home in yongsan-gu. he never thought much of it

his father was the closest person out of the two, mainly because being the oldest son — his father would make it their thing to take gyujeong out for one on one time, golf outings and other

it was instilled in him the morals / beliefs that he’d have to run the company someday

his father really did love him? and vibed with him well — gyujeong never really had anything bad to say about his father except for the fact that his father was just a man of few words 

his father was the one super pissed when gyujeong’s underground shit went out and hit the fan — his father threatened to take him off the family registry (which he never did). however, he did tell him right then and there that the business was going to his younger brother instead of him

since gyujeong has signed with bc, he hasn’t seen his father since gyujeong was 25 forced to attend a hyundai event way in the past. they pretended not to know each other, though gyujeong was scouted by the security guards that brought him in the back to see his father

his father never calls or texts, but gyujeong knows that because his father holds a lot of power — the next time he wants to see gyujeong, he’ll just get his security to basically find him / bring him here

jeon young mi  — board of hyund*i

his mother was a very handson mother because for most of her life she was just a stay at home mom with the occasional hyund*i meetings

she forced him into a lot of different shit / made sure his grades were a+. think tiger mom x3409238403948

he always just didn’t get along with his mom? even though she doted upon him like he was her everything (tbh he was probably the favorite kid because of his age)

his mother has a lot of words to say — she’s a speak your mind, and flip shit type of mother. thus, any thing he did wrong he was punished for at her hands (one time he wore a white shirt, and got it crinkled. the punishment was standing up for four hours straight)

she’s also the one that caught him red-handed inside the club, basically because she hired security to follow him around after she ‘sensed’ something was wrong

in the end, he ended up getting picked up by his mom all drunk and dazed where she forced to get down to the bottom of the truth

he told her (like any other drunk person) — she flipped hell. threw vases on the floor it was a blood bath opera inside their home

he ran away after seeing that (albeit it was for a day), and got signed to bc the day after lmao

his parents gave him the ok thinking this was some form of punishment / deciding on their second son to take over

his mom is more of the constant texter/caller — he doesn’t answer any of it. somedays, she just shows up at his house because she’s found where he lives. he doesn’t open the door 9/10 times

he listened to his parents when he was younger — he’d go to all the private lessons and private tutors that his mother laid out for him, and do without protest. up until this point — probably the age of ten, he was expected to take over the family business

he was in korea until elementary year 3, where he then went to homestay with a distant family relative in the states to start studying (this was the time when he’d first know the arduous process of taking over the family business)

up until age 13, he was probably doing fine. really doted upon by his parents because he was the first son, and he was getting pretty good marks in school. the biggest shift? is when he went to boarding school starting middle school and roomed with a person that introduced him to hip hop

his parents didn’t know, and he’d still been the favorite child at this point because he was the oldest

stumbled down the underground scene at an early age — looks young, but still accepted because he was a talented rapper even early on. but this is where the divide started with his family 

now, it’s at a point where he rarely contacts them. never attends family events, nor answers their calls

he’s cut them off completely, and for the record — he’s still high and heavy inside their family registry.

[serendipitousoracle]

Mixtape n wardrobe for like... ALL the ocs?

[♡ OC ask meme ♡]

i will give you six (6) ocs.

Egeire Mahariel:

mixtape: 5 songs that describe your OC(s) or songs they themselves would like

1. “Love Love Love” - Of Monsters And Men (basically The song for Egeire/Zevran tbh. love and reluctance and duty and fear and pining, which eventually breaks down as despite it all they keep getting in deeper and deeper until Egeire finally goes fuck this and for once decides not to sacrifice everything he wants to hold onto)

2. “Rather Be” - Clean Bandit (happy fluffy love song for Eg’s sweet, loyal attachment to various love interests. he is devoted and adoring and when he is with the one he loves he would never want to be anywhere else)

3. “Wolves Without Teeth” - Of Monsters And Men (wqieujb?? devotion and consumption and non-physical wounds idk how to explain)

4. idk. something emo? and then instead insert “Not Gonna Die” - Skillet bc it’s really the message Egeire should be taking home

5. and then as throwback to something he’d like maybe smth Gorillaz or Disturbed just for “smth that would probably be on Egeire’s music playlists somewhere“

wardrobe:what’s your OC’s style like?                                  

In DA-centric universes Egeire ends up becoming fairly all-or-nothing re: clothing. at the end of the Blight, into Warden-Commanderdom, and to some extent post-Wardenhood, he is either in full armor and weaponry (with some extra flash and ideally some small piece of elfiness in the Awakening period), or when he is completely alone and not paranoid and with people he trusts in a space he feels safe in, he is wearing like comfortable loose-fitting pants and that’s about it.

In more modern AUs Egeire wears more like… practical clothes, probably? flannel and open button-ups over tank tops with sturdy pants and tough boots, whatever clothes have been Gifted to him over the years, annnnnd at-home muscly shirtlessness with loose sweatpants

Also he looks so great in lace

Under Cut: Egeria Surana, Flytter the Junior Historian, Cyrron Mirevas, Soveliss Liadon, Grey Surana

Egeria Surana

mixtape: 5 songs that describe your OC(s) or songs they themselves would like

1. “Arms” - Christina Perri (still p much the First and Most Egeria/Alistair song. being Wardens is one rough thing and then the elven mage and the bastard prince is harder still. it works out in the end, but….)

2. “Retrograde” - James Blake (ouch that isolation and your friends are gone, and your friends won’t come, so show me where you fit. i’ll wait, so show me why you’re strong– i’ll wait, we’re alone now)

3. “You May Be Right” - Billy Joel (whoops it’s The DenRia Song)

4. “Beth’s Theme” (Broadchurch OST) - Ólafur Arnalds(Ria’s canon is just so like…. sad. unintentionally sad. quietly, wordlessly sad.)

5. “Stolen Dance” - Milky Chance / “Budapest” - Georga Ezra / “Break Stuff” - Limp Bizkit (just kind of misc songs for Ria Chilling Around The House)

wardrobe:what’s your OC’s style like?

DA: a mix of aesthetic robes and practical ones, some with long flowing pieces and embroidered flowers that gradually transition to black dust, wearing her mage blood and magic specialties quite literally on her sleeve, some that are more armor than robe (bc spellsword/arcane warrior) but with elements of robes nonetheless. Dresses more lightly in private for ease of movement, with fur shawls and fine shoes and all. may be talked into some sort of short top + long skirt look by her fawning husband. in private.

Modern: light blouses and either loose-ish pants or long skirts, fond of flower motifs, plenty of like cardigans and soft jackets and things that generally perfect that sweet and trustworthy and caring outward demeanor she wields like empathy made tangible and precise. also has regular graphic tees and jeans for gardening.

Flytter

mixtape: 5 songs that describe your OC(s) or songs they themselves would like

1. “Little Talks” - Of Monsters And Men (grief is what drives Flytter from home to wrap themself up entirely in their work… for better or worse, despite the best wishes of those who cared about them)

2. “Non-Stop”, “Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story”, … - Hamilton the Musical (um excuse me if somebody made a musical about Egeire Mahariel/WAWsquad/The Fifth Blight Hero you fucking know Flytter would be all over that)

3. “Radioactive” - Imagine Dragons (radioactivity… lingering Blight corruption… same difference, right?)

4. “Heavy In Your Arms” - Florence + the Machine (not entirely happy with this pick but struggling to find something for just– that kind of background gnawing of the slow, slow, painful death seeping into their being, the constant pain and the losing fight to the ebb of the corruption and their inability to keep it effectively treated or soothed or just. nesdfds.)

5. “Beyond the Veil” - Lindsey Stirling (trippy instrumentals for recording things and remembering dreams? sure why not. clear Veil joke? woo!)

wardrobe:what’s your OC’s style like?

.DA: robes, again. robes with a focus on complete head-to-toe coverage and not irritating rough patches of skin or what not too much. Something comfortable enough to sleep in. Not really much variety once they lock themself away in Kinloch Hold rebuilt.

Modern: light shirts tied up and semi-professional vests and the ability to quickly create a skirt in any situation when they need to really move in a hurry

Cyrron Mirevas

mixtape: 5 songs that describe your OC(s) or songs they themselves would like

1. “Enemies” - Shinedown (i didn’t even have to think about this one everyone hates Cyrron except like…. you jay. only you. everyone else goes ‘ew’ or ‘why are his eyes sockets not full of sharp/sharp-ish utensils’ when i bring him up. only you cheer when he shows up or hand him over to tentacle monsters but)

2. “Simple Man” - Lynyrd Skynyrd (and the complete flipside– a simple kind of man, not rushing, revering the gods, settling down with a bondmate and having children… it was the life Cyrron intended to live, not exactly a soft or warm or gentle man by any means, but a simple man. Then he lost everything, and survived Vir Banal’ras, and we have present day Cyrron.)

3. “The Dalish Elves Encampment” - Dragon Age: Origins OST, or something (this is basically a placeholder to state: what do you think super traditional Dalish elf music sounds like? for Ferelden Dalish if you want to get specific maybe. Basically, whatever Traditional Dalish Music is, that is all Cyrron himself cares to listen to. That’s it. He hoards it. maybe even plays an instrument. the world will never know.)

4. i swear to god i’m not putting “Closer” on this list SO HOW ABOUT THAT BODIES SONG HUH IT’S SUPER MURDERY N STUFF

5. “Indestructible” - Disturbed (fitting, since it was on Egeire’s list, and he definitely got that from somewhere. really, Cyrron is indestructible to a point that even upsets himself until all the venom he sank into others finally comes back to flood his veins)

wardrobe:what’s your OC’s style like?

DA: Armor. Sturdy Dalish armor, long updated and cycled through with parts, blades on hand at all times, each meticulously well-kept and menacingly. The only time he’s not in armor is if he’s for some reason in disguise to get closer to someone to kill them.

Modern: ranges from business semi-casual to business ultra-formal and nowhere below that range, at least not for wearing out in the daylight. Cyrron mostly has his crisp dress shirts and pressed black slacks and all that easy “I am wealthy and important and you don’t need to know what I do for a living” class, even despite the clear vallaslin, but he also has a variety of tougher garb and more lowkey clothing for when his real line of work comes calling in the night for a slit throat or a poisoned drink.

Soveliss Liadon

mixtape: 5 songs that describe your OC or songs they themselves would like

1. “Addicted to Love” - Florence + the Machine (possibly the earliest defining song for my vague thoughts of ‘Soveliss and his feylock patron’. Soveliss insists he knows what he’s doing! He just has to keep his wits around him! … gods, though, he is so lonely.)

2. “Carousel” - Melanie Martinez (have I mentioned Sov is really super doomed? And it’s all fun and games/‘Til somebody falls in love/But you’ve already bought a ticket/And there’s no turning back now)

3. “Believer” - Imagine Dragons, & “Whispers in the Dark” - Skillet (the main brain-chewing songs for fiendlock!au Soveliss)

4. “Dust Bowl Dance” and “Broken Crown” - Mumford & Sons (hypothetical #mood for potential Angry parts of potential Soveliss character/story arc “You haven’t met me, I am the only son.”)

5. “A Martyr for My Love for You” - The White Stripes (i’m just saying if anybody else dies before we finish this adventure Sov is gonna start getting real antsy about forming attachments to normal, mortal people)

Bonus 6. Welp. (a ghost monk floats through Soveliss’ room as Sov puts up a bard band poster up in his room in the monastery like “soooooovelllllissssss whaaaat isssss thissss” and teenage Sov is just Instantly Teenage Annoyed “MUSIC, JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, IS CHANGING, DAD” (all the monks in the monastery are Dad sov has like 2 dozen dads it’s a time))

BONUS 2 EDIT EDITION: i forgot “Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)” - Florence + the Machine was also a Sov inspiration song whoops

wardrobe:what’s your OC’s style like?

D&D: Soveliss at the moment generally has his greyscale Acolyte of Kelemvor robes/garb, some dark leather armor, maybe some shiny beads or baubles, and his gorgeous blond hair (it is probably literally enchanted t b h), buuuut he has no real exposure to like….. choice of clothing let alone fashion. idk we’ll see if aub ever gets us somewhere cool where I can get him a truly art-worthy outfit or if he dies first i guess.

Modern: ????????????

Grey Surana

mixtape: 5 songs that describe your OC(s) or songs they themselves would like

1. “Stray Italian Greyhound” - Vienna Teng (whoops first song is a Grey/Tamaris song. but: Grey is every bit the tongue-tied hopeless romantic that Egeire is, except he somehow works himself up about it even harder bc in a way Grey can be summed up as Eg But Extra (i love this song tho))

2. “I of the Storm” - Of Monsters And Men (wh o o ps it’s another Grey/Tam song. but it is also a good sort of song for Grey’s general insecurities, still carried over if reflected differently from Egeire’s. not measuring up. not being loved. feeling trapped. are you really gonna love me when i’m gone? are you really gonna need me when i’m gone? i fear you won’t; i fear you don’t)

3. “In My Sleep” - Mystery Skulls (can’t find a good video but you can’t do this like i do/i fucking wrote this in my sleep is just. 1. it mostly inspired an au. 2. take Egeire’s mild peacock tendencies and turn them up to fucking 11 and you might start to approach Grey levels of pride and showboating. tempted to put “Magic” on this list but just. it’s so great. just go look it up.)

4. “Through Glass” - Stone Sour (something quieter. bringing back that feeling of isolation from Ria, but a bit more self-imposed– putting up walls of glass to keep a distance from everything and ending up sitting alone inside his own head, which really could account for a lot of his doubts. a negative feedback loop of sorts. but he is so used to it.)

5. “Work Song” - Hozier / “Iris” - Goo Goo Dolls / “Rather Be” - Clean Bandit (just some more love songs for the hopeless romantic bc I’m p sure I’ve spent like 8 hours on this ask and I’m dead now)

wardrobe:what’s your OC’s style like?

DA: so fashionable. whether he’s the Circle Ambassador or the Warden-Commander, Grey is dedicated to keeping up with trends and edging out ahead of them where he can. It’s a careful balance to keep, neither being so compliant as to be invisible or stepping so far out of line that he’s branded “outsider“ again, but he loves it. Grey is all about politics, wealth, luxury, prestige– whatever the Circle and the Chantry wanted to deny him, he will take, one way or another.

Modern: so fashionable. if it’s In he is at least looking into getting his hands on it, if he doesn’t already have it. as the Circle is traded out for more like…. slicksharp white collar big business laddering-climbing type ambition, so too are robes traded for suits, and so some manner of dress shirt + jacket/blazer/etc + slacks/dress pants/etc becomes his norm. Whether he’s climbing or charming or sleeping his way to the top, he enjoys surrounding himself with luxury and learning how to take advantage of it.Is still a sweetheart who looks nice in lace though.