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lilypixels · 3 years

Note

...............all of them.....?

It took me an hr to do this....🥲💀

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Teacupsss

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Lollipops

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Uhhh cotton candy

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Probably quiet and smart lol I did my school work and was friendly with everyone so I was a favorite and heard all the nice things 🙈

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

I kinda like bottles more but like the glass ones with the caps that could slice your fingers-

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

I’m for all but sports lol

7. earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds

8. movies or tv shows?

Shows cause I’m the type to watch an hr long episode vs hr long movie idk why but I’m rarely in mood for them

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Drop the beat (ie songs that are upbeat and I like most)

13. lanyard or key ring?

Hmm...I guess lanyard?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Skittles or twizzlers

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

I had lots I had to read in school but only ever finished a handful lol my favorite I think was maybe Macbeth? I would say Odyssey but I don’t think we read the full thing cause I remember being disappointed about something like that...

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Sitting with my legs bent up in seat with me in some way

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

Converse and some nice but cheap sneakers from Walmart

18. ideal weather?

Not too hot, not too cold, mild like before/after a rain (most the time), idc if it’s raining or sunny but as long as temp is comfortable I’m fine

19. sleeping position?

On my side most often

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Phone and notebook

21. obsession from childhood?

Oh gosh uhhh I guess my like of dolls maybe? Or obsession with anything ✨unexplained✨ like ghosts, aliens, cryptids, etc

22. role model?

Kim Namjoon lol just kidding (sorta)

23. strange habits?

Ok I know I have some and my friends would be more than happy to point them all out but hm let me think...idk if these count as habits but I’ll never place a mirror facing a bed (this is more superstitious I guess than habit,,,) I can’t stand my food touching, if I have a tray like in cafeteria I have a certain spot for everything and uh my mind just went blank-

24. favorite crystal?

Moonstone, lapis lazuli, and I feel obligated to say garnet cause it’s my birthstone

25. first song you remember hearing?

Circle of Life maybe who knows xD

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Walk or clean,,I’m more active and about with warm/nice weather

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

...stay inside where it’s warm

28. five songs to describe you?

Not this again😭 uhhh idk you tell me ajdbd

29. best way to bond with you?

Indulge me when I go off about things I like or learn 😔✊ I know I’ll talk your ear off and I’m sorry but know I don’t often talk about these things with people so once I start it’s hard to stop,,and it makes me really happy when people do listen to me about these things and send me related items every so often or even look into it themselves to learn more 🥺

30. places that you find sacred?

For some reason this feels like a trick question...um cemeteries and anything with ages of history I guess

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

Oof do I really have a true outfit?? I have shoes for this which are just black platform sneakers I call stomping shoes

32. top five favorite vines?

I never,,,watched these,,,

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“Yes”...?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

State Farm and McDonald’s, always

35. average time you fall asleep?

10-11...usually...

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

Uhhh that one with the ginger dude (I think it was someone’s yearbook photo??) I don’t remember much else about the meme but it was on ifunny, or whatever the app was, a lot

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

Suitcase

38. lemonade or tea?

Easy, tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

...neither

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Dude these questions really testing my brain power here- for senior prank someone put cereal in some bathroom sinks I think

41. last person you texted?

My mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

I’m gonna say jacket since I wear those often

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

Hoodie or cardigan

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Usually whatever shirt I’m wearing that day and some pj/lounge pants 🤷

47. favorite type of cheese?

Mozzarella

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

I-what kind of question is this? How does one even answer this?

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

What comes around goes around lol (yes I’m a heavy believer of karma)

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

Lol who knows, probably something dumb me and my siblings were doing or something we watched cause there’s been plenty times of that xD

51. current stresses?

Homework vs free time e-e

52. favorite font?

I like the gothic looking ones but it’s usually not practical to use so idk

53. what is the current state of your hands?

My hands...? They’re fine ??

54. what did you learn from your first job?

How to care for babies and little kids, how to put on a diaper lol

56. favorite tradition?

I can’t remember a particular one off hand but I’m trying to start few new ones like decorating cookies for Halloween uwu

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Uhhhhh like personally or...? Cause we’ve overcome homelessness before, um finishing assignments idk😭 oh maybe bullying?? That’s all I can think of since I still struggle with a lot,,

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Alright let’s do thisss: creativity (mostly in writing sense), I can bake/cook, I have amazing organization skills and many work places have used that lol (bonus is I don’t mind, I actually really enjoy it, very peaceful), surprisingly good balance all things considered, I’m a quick learner

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“I’m too tired for this.”

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Good question good question🤔 I don’t think I’d last in any of them/have a terrible side character role so 💀

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“Life’s too short to hold grudges.”

62. seven characters you relate to?

Dude this is gonna get embarrassing I can feel it🤠

Itaru, Iori, Sogo, Belle, Simeon (obey me), Nozaki (he’s clueless about romance irl and doesn’t know when someone has a crush on him yet can write romance well enough and yeah it’s me lol), and uhh Swindler/Ordinary Person in Akudama Drive (still can’t believe no one really has names in that anime but the way she gets wrapped in everything felt like something that’d happen to me lol)

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Like nightclub...? I’m skipping this ajdbd

64. favorite website from your childhood?

Probably the Barbie site, me and my sister played all the dress up games almost daily istg

65. any permanent scars?

Appendectomy scars and then looks like I have one on a toe but it’s possible it still might heal...

66. favorite flower(s)?

Nightshade, foxglove, baby’s breath, bellflowers, roses

67. good luck charms?

I don’t think I have any...

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Lemon

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Let me think...I read something once about flowers having ears(?) but like not ear ears just something about having a part that picks up sound waves

70. left or right handed?

Right

71. least favorite pattern?

Lolll animal print I think

72. worst subject?

Physics...the worst science

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

6...?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I don’t remember, it probably happened when i was 6. I do remember losing one of my front teeth during my birthday one year and I was happy since the tooth had been loose for some time xD

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Chips I guess or just like fried in skillet

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

A succulent probably

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Neither ew

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

They are both about equally terrible

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

Fireflies

82. pc or console?

I am on pc side now

83. writing or drawing?

Writing

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts I guess

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology, it’s too fun and chaotic lol

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Hm...cupcakes

87. your greatest fear?

Uh,,,I don’t have many fears but I guess one would be falling from a great height? So I would get scared of crossing a bridge and it collapsing or riding a plane and it falling easily

88. your greatest wish?

World peace🥲

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My mom maybe...?

90. luckiest mistake?

I honestly don’t remember but something I do remember is I out semicolon instead of period and turned out to be correct grammar lol

91. boxes or bags?

Boxes

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Sunlight or fairy lights, I don’t require much either way and prefer more natural lighting

93. nicknames?

Lassie, twinkle toes, Ash, poody butt (by 3 yr old I sometimes watch and play with lol he means it affectionately; I call him monkey butt and it’s catching on slowly instead)

94. favorite season?

Starting to be fall just a little more but I like transition times most

95. favorite app on your phone?

Let’s go with twitter

96. desktop background?

It is a moriarty and gang pic

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

2: mine and my moms

98. favorite historical era?

Ooo tough one but I’ll say renaissance as some of the coolest things came from that time

#if there’s something messed up in this string of text #ignore it cause I’m not proofreading again ajdbd #I did not realize there were so many questions pls #asks #jade why 😔💜

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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 5 years

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The thing I love about Otto, he is the guy who...Peter Parker is supposed to be the everyman, and in a lot of ways he is, but he is always dating the most beautiful women in the world...supermodels, Gwen Stacy...And Otto was the guy, I am not a big fan of the late-90s as an era of Spider-Man. There was a character called Stunner who came along and was this big Amazonian woman with super-strength, who was Otto's partner and love-interest and the big reveal was that she was a virtual reality simulation and the real person was an overweight woman in a virtual reality machine. But when Otto finds out he says, I didn't love you for what you looked like, I loved you for your mind...I can’t remember if she [Aunt May] saw Betty [Brant] as a bit of a Jezebel because she was older

We er...we really need to unpack this. I already did a post where I cited the above as part of why Christos Gage should never have been allowed to write Spider-Man.

But lets dive deeper into the idiocy of this.

First of all if nothing else the above quote and panels really do prove beyond doubt that Marvel knew what they were doing when they paired Slott and Gage...well sorta. Gage and Slott’s approaches to Spider-Man fundamentally come from the same place of fundamental misunderstanding and regressive beliefs thus they were perfect to work together. It’s just that Gage is a comparatively more competent writer than Slott and therefore Slott should’ve been HIS understudy and fill-in guy not the other way around.

So let’s dive into the less awful bits first. Like Slott Gage doesn’t know his continuity and is too lazy to even google it.

Let’s put aside how Stan Lee himself stated Betty Brant is younger than Peter NOT older, the age difference would’ve been insignificant enough (Peter was a senior in high school when he was dating Betty, that’s stated in the issues) so what is this ‘Jezebel’ crap? The fact his mind would go to that rather than just Aunt May thinking MJ would be a better match is at best eyebrow raising.

Moving on, the crux of his assessment of Otto and Stunner’s relationship is way off the mark. Ignoring the fact that Stunner and the reveals made about her occurred in 1994-1995 (so literally not the LATE 1990s at all), he’s totally distorted the story as it unfolded. As such let me show you some of the relevant pages.

Gage’s assessment of Otto and Stunner’s relationship hinges upon two interconnected ideas.

a) Otto was unaware that her stunning appearance was a facade and

b) That he didn’t care upon finding out

As you can see that is a distortion of what the actual stories conveyed.

Otto was always aware Stunner’s appearance was a facade because he invented the technology that made it possible in the first place!

Otto also began dating her BEFORE she became Stunner. This does indeed support the idea that for him outer beauty is not that relevant.

For myself I find this idea debatable for a few reasons. Not only in the above images does he directly refer to Stunner as beautiful and the love of such a beautiful woman makes him happy but in the classic Spec #75 Bill Mantlo implies Otto took a fancy to Felicia due to her being attractive.

I grant you it’s far from impossible to interpret that Otto in fact was referring to Stunner’s personality as beautiful and took a shining to Felicia for reasons beyond her looks. In fact I find that interpretation interesting. But both examples hurt the narrative of Otto being a man who doesn’t care about outer beauty, even before you get to the fact that in Superior he was oggling and actively trying to fucking rape Mary Jane! What exactly about her ‘inner beauty’ led to him doing this?

Then of course you have his relationship with Aunt May which has been treated as genuinely romantic when it’s very unlikely to be that.

The truth is Doc Ock has been inconsistently written over the decades so pinning down that he’s a man who doesn’t care about a woman’s outer beauty in regards to his feelings for them is extremely iffy.

His dynamic with Stunner and Gage’s assessment is even iffier as the pages detailing his ‘courting’ of her prior to her becoming empowered can definitely be interpreted as him actively manipulating her for his own ends. He needed a test subject for his technology, a technology he was hoping could essentially ensure he’d live beyond the demise of his mortal body and mind (which obviously happened in Superior). Angela was that test subject, he either came across or scouted her out with the explicit intention of having her use his machine.

Because we only get brief flashes of their relationship it’s unclear if he was 100% decieving and manipulating her (as he was to Anna Maria and Mary Jane) or if he was sincere in his affections, at least on some level. Maybe he even started out manipulating her but grew to genuinely care for her before or after her transformation into Stunner.

My point is it’s not this grand moral victory for Otto that he cared for Angela even though she was overweight.

Which brings me to the most damning thing about Gage’s comments.

According to him Otto is better than Peter because Otto didn’t date supermodels or sexy cat burglars.

Much like all his work with Otto before and during his Superior run, Gage practically wanks off the character.

You see Otto is ‘different. He’s not like ‘those other guys’, or more specifically ‘that Peter Parker guy’. HE doesn’t date supermodels or sexy cat burglars.

He just keeps the sexy cat burglars as his ‘guests’ that he won’t let leave his lair, will date by deception and attempt to rape the supermodels and will probably manipulate vulnerable overweight women for his own selfish scientific pursuits and date them sincerely once they’ve transformed into wrestling divas.

Of course in reality, romantic and sexual attraction is something none of us can help and we are going to feel about whoever however we’re going to feel, and the harsh truth is a lot (but not all) of the time outer appearences do matter, or at least they do when it comes to initial attractions. Often in healthy relationships they matter less as time goes by, but are rarely totally irrelevant. Nobody, of any sex, gender or sexuality, is shallow for on some level taking looks into account for how they feel about a romantic or sexual partner, at least on some level.

In Peter’s case Gage’s assessment (which synchs up with Slott’s) of him as shallow is so asinine because he clearly doesn’t just care about looks. In fact semi-famously in the classic Romita stories his initial attraction for Mary Jane fades after he (incorrectly, and unfairly) starts to view her as shallow and little more than her looks.

No doubt about it that chicks’s as pretty as a pumpkin seed...and just about as shallow.

ASM #45*

Peter late of course dumps Black Cat in part because she doesn’t love him for who he is, and only cares about him as Spider-Man. He wants someone who will share a life with him, whom he can connect with. If he was only interested in her because she was sexy why would he do that?

And of course this is to say nothing of the absolute denigration Gage’s comments pay to both MJ and her relationship with Peter.

I’ve felt this way for awhile now but to be blunt, if a writer ever just sums up MJ as a ‘supermodel’ I’m going to presume they either don’t understand her character and/or hold some messed up opinions. Putting aside how MJ hasn’t a model (super or otherwise) for most of her history it’s just messed up that everything else about her is dismissed in favour of pushing that profession and treating it as a summation of who she is as a character.**

Because whenever creators or characters sum up MJ as a supermodel what they really mean is ‘she’s just a shallow, pretty face’. Which is so facepalm worthy ironic because the crux of Mary Jane’s entire character since The Death of Gwen Stacy in 1973 has been that people THINK she is just a shallow pretty face but she in fact absolutely isn’t!

And aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the stuff that is relevant to why she isn’t is literally the reason Spider-Man fell in love with her in the first place. All the guilt, regret, insecurities, bravery, sense of responsibility and inner strength that subverted what we thought we knew about her, that’s the shit that her and Spider-Man’s romance is built upon.

How the fuck does anyone miss that! It’s not even like you need to read deeply to see it, just read a Wikipedia entry!

It isn’t the crux of Felicia’s character, but the same applies to her. What jackass in this day and age (or indeed since the 1980s) honestly thinks Black Cat is nothing but sex appeal? There is an entire goddam Black Cat ongoing series demonstrating she is more than that! Gage is a goddam relic at this point!

On the flipside of course is poor Anna Maria.

Once upon a time Anna Maria was the best character in Spider-Man. Back in the dark days of 2013 and 2014 when Superior was going strong, MJ was out of the picture and the best Spider-Man books on the stand were about a kid replacing a dead AU Peter Parker and Peter Parker’s clone, Anna Maria was a stand out.

A new character with a personality, likable, a new love interest for ‘Spider-Man’ that on paper made a certain amount of sense even though the circumstances were disgusting. And on top of that she provided a dash of representation that was handled in an appropriate way.

As time went by she gradually devolved as a character and went way off the rails to the point where now she’s being a misogynistic asshole to other women by judging them for their looks. It’s so fucked up because she herself has been judged for her looks, just in a very different way whilst the likes of those ‘shallow’ women she cites have never said a bad word to her or to my knowledge anyone else on the basis of how they were born.

Good job Gage, this is probably the last time we’re going to see Anna Maria and you’ve fully transitioned me from a guy who kind of wanted her to stick around in some capacity as a regular supporting player for Peter into a guy who would be delighted for her to forgotten and never appear again.

Fuck Gage.

Fuck Superior

Fuck the entire asinine, mishandled, clusterfuck of an era that outstayed it’s welcome circa December 2012!

*In fairness he does bring up he might just be thinking ill of MJ because he’s upset about other things. See, THAT is a more even handed and on point depiction of Peter Parker being flawed. But Stan Lee being a better writer than Gage or Slott shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone.

**Not to mention ‘supermodel’ shouldn’t even be used as shorthand for ‘shallow person’ in the first place. Are supermodels not people too? Are they incapable of being intelligent or having worth outside of their looks? I mean FFS we live in a world where this (starting at 3:37) really happened:

youtube

#Christos Gage #Spider-Man #Superior Spider-Man #Anna Maria Marconi #otto octavius #Doc Ock #Dan Slott #Doctor Octopus #mjwatsonedit #Mary Jane Watson #Mary Jane Watson Parker #Black Cat #Peter Parker #Felicia Hardy

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quietlysatan · 6 years

Text

An Invincible Summer - ShanaStoryteller, AO3

Link: Here!!

Rating: T for read the warnings, but don’t worry too much because of them

Favorite Quote(s): I legit wanna tattoo this next quote on me somewhere

"Oh, the things that can be accomplished through ignorance of their impossibility,"

And this Straight Up Fact

“There’s no such thing as cheating as long as you win,” Natsu says, and the brat’s not wrong.

This one’s just funny

“Chouza,” Inoichi forces himself to say evenly, “Your teachings produced Ebisu and goddamned Gai.”

“Genma’s pretty normal though,” Chouza sighs, “I never could get through to that boy.”

Gently Gai casually caring about Kakashi’s well-being is my entire reason for living, speaking of which if someone wants to come be my Gai that’d be really fucking nice because us Kakashi’s don’t do too well on our own

He hesitates, but says, "Not that I do not find your newfound mentorship to be a most youthful endeavor, but -"

"I don't know," Kakashi interrupts his friend, "I met her while she was taking her genin exam and she, I don't know, adopted me or something. She just keeps showing up."

Gai nods thoughtfully, "Stubbornness is a useful skill to have when trying to cultivate a friendship with you." Kakashi elbows the other man, but doesn't protest besides that. "She's a good cook."

And this one because I love it when people Get It, ya’know?

That's really why he won't say anything, why he won't reveal that the Kyuubi's container and the fourth Hokage's child is still alive: they already killed him once. Naruto and Shikamaru are the same age, they would have been in the same class, and the idea that anyone could want to harm his innocent, precious son makes his blood boil

And this one, for accuracy

"This sounds like a most youthful endeavor. I will bring Anko! She will fan the flames of youth in our young Konoha blossom!"

Both Itachi and Kakashi look at Gai, horrified. "Please don't," Itachi says weakly, like he knows it'll fall on deaf ears but he has to try anyway.

"Don't worry," Gai attempts to assure them, going into his Good Guy pose, "They will produce youthful flames of feminine excellence!"

"They're going to burn down Konoha," Kakashi says flatly.

Gai's hair and teeth sparkle in the sunlight, and he doesn't attempt to deny it.

Another important one

"The world is a terrible place," she says, and she has to swallow before she speaks again, "and it's full of terrible people. But I don't have to be one of them."

I love that Natsu-chan has great balance, this is my number one favorite character trope, and I wish more people would write it

She bends down to look at him upside down, and Itachi can feel that she's not using chakra to stick onto him, and sometimes her balance just isn't logical.

I just love the idea of tiny genius Naruto, and I love that Natsu-chan is a seal master at like, fucking seven and a half lol

Itachi knows it's actually far more complicated than that, but just as he does not tell her minutia of the past shinobi wars in their history lessons, she does not overcomplicate her explanations of sealing. Usually he's grateful for that, but when she appears to break every known law to sealing and chakra, he's not.

"That's," he blinks and he's not going to tell her it's impossible because it clearly isn't, "new," he settles on.

A mood honestly

Inoichi now feels the urge to bang his head against the table top, because 'a huge pain' to Natsu is 'literally impossible' to everyone else.

Another mood honestly

Inoichi watches his former genin dig in with resignation. “When are you guys going to start picking up the tab? Feeding you all isn’t cheap you know.”

Hana swallows her mouthful, “Sensei, I am but a lone healer’s apprentice –“

“I have been a chunin less than a month,” Kabuto pouts, wounded, “and already you seek to profit-“

“Do you have any idea how much sealing paper and ink costs?” Natsu demands.

“Okay, okay,” Inoichi grumbles, but it’s not very effective considering he’s smiling, “I take it back, jeez.”

Okay so, since this is a 100k+ word fic, I’ve been doing this thing lately literally just now on this fic review where I only feature quotes from the first chapter (Depending on length.) but, I’m making an exception because I’ve never seen these three characters and my thoughts on them summed up so well by someone I don’t know which is to say anyone, no one I know cares about my interests really lol

"Maybe a little," he admits grudgingly, "Sakura's really smart, but she acts dumb for some reason. And her endurance is really bad. She probably would have been failed on that alone if she didn't have such good aim with shuriken. And Sasuke's good at like, everything, I still don't get why he didn't graduate earlier. He's just so-" Kiba rubs his hand over his face.

"So what?" Hana prompts, even though she's heard this particular complaint before.

"Sad," the genin sighs, "He's miserable all the time, and he works hard and if you yell at him for long enough he'll work with you, but - crap, I don't know. He's got this really great poker face so you think he's just a big jerk, but I can smell his emotions, the big idiot, and he's just this sad lonely kid who won't listen to anyone."

Hana hums, because if she opens her mouth she'll probably start cursing the Hokage and his dumb rules and his dumb ideas, and that is not the type of thing that leads to a long life.

Just one last quote because dudes, guys, pals, friends of mine it’s important and you should all stop and read it.

“Thanks for being cool with – everything. I’m really happy you’re not mad at me for not being honest with you.”

“You are my friend,” Gaara says warmly, “and you have always been honest about that.”

Words & Chapter(s): 136,306 words of greatness, and 6 full chapters of nicely done completion

Summary: When Naruto is five, he's gutted by a drunken civilian and presumed dead.

Six months later a girl with ash pale hair and dark blue eyes enters the Academy.

(Guys I swear on my cool as fuck username, and all around internet personality as practically satan and probably Lucifer and whatnot that nobody we like stays dead or severely injured)

Score: 13, this is one of my favorites for a reason, this is actually my second technically third time rereading this in as many weeks

Pairing(s): Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, background Haku/Zabuza, but don’t worry anything you’re thinking of is addressed quite nicely in the fic ultra background but still there’s a lot of relationships and I’m not going to tag them all

Warning(s): Naruto technically dies more than once because this is Naruto we’re talking about but they also technically don’t??? You gotta read it, but basically temporary character death, only the bad guys stay dead in this one.

Nobody knows that Naru-chan lived so there’s that angst for you, however, to be fair it’s not like this whole story is just characters mourning and crying and whatnot, at this point it’s mostly just passing thoughts and memories which, again, to be fair, does almost feel worse at times... Huh, regardless it’s not overly angsty

Kakashi is adopted whether he likes it or not by Natsu-chan, we love both of our emotionally fucked over fair-haired ninja in this house so you won’t have to worry about that sorta fic coming outta nowhere from me BTW... but anyways, Kakashi freaks out a bit, much like the abused dog he always reminds me of, but Natsu is the sweetest and most gentle, yet forceful person he could’ve possibly caught the attention of. (This is canon)

The Akatsuki are still bad, BUT ITACHI ISN’T technically SO WHO FUCKING CARES!!!! (The Massacre still happens tho...)

Mentions of The Flower District and what that implies, and also things a Kunoichi might definitely do

Oh my fucking god the Hyuga... Who would willingly do something so horrible as that? Of all the things... Warning for... The Hyuga branch family situation, it’s dealt with nearly as soon as we are informed but, gods, my blood ran cold, and my face whited out, my sister thought someone had died when she saw my face haha,,, who the fuck does this? And do they die? In canon I mean? I think I only watched up to the chunin exams or Pein’s attack, I can’t remember which tho...

Natsu cries because people are nice to her sometimes. And honestly that’s fair, I burst into to tears once because I imagined someone kissing my forehead softly so, Natsu is completely valid... Sidenote, I’m touch-starved and have no cure for this beyond younger siblings and my cat because I don’t have the ability to ask my mom for a hug without literally gross sobbing and I have A Thing about embarrassment sooooo... yeah if anyone has some therapy justu for me that’d be nice

Mentions of Gross Men that apparently want to have Natsu’s increasingly growing collection of the absolute most dangerous people she can befriend pay them a visit. And by that, I mean an old fuckwit has the gall to leer at a TEN-YEAR-OLD and a FUCKING THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD!!!!!! Ugh, I hate those kinds of pathetic worms.

On that note, there is technically underaged things going on, but they are also Ninja soooo???? They’ve killed people and are technically in their version of an army, and by the laws of their lands they’re all adults, actually I’m pretty sure by shinobi life expectancy Kakashi is middle-aged, Inoichi is a senior citizen, and Hiruzen is a walking corpse tbh

Alcoholism??? I don’t really think it is but I’m not sure, but some characters do drink often, and usually when stressed courtesy of Natsu and co. but still... I don’t actually know if it is because it doesn’t actually happen much, more like every few weeks/months

Mentions of past sexual assault, and attempted past sexual assault, neither happen in fic or to any of our main characters, the experiences are not graphic though they do talk about it in chapter five, it’s not to graphically described.

Also, a bunch of off-screen lemon

A Thing (That I copy-pasted from the author so that all of you will see it and not say a single word against it.): If you thought Natsu was too mature for her age - she has seen and been through some really horrible shit. But also: my cousin has, since he was like 4, hung out with kids that were about 4 years older than him because those were the kids that were in his neighborhood or whatever. Point being, even after he started school, his main group of friends was consistently older than him. He very quickly adapted to that, and to this day (he's 12) hangs out with that same group, and considers children his own age 'kids' because he adapted to the behavior of the group he was surrounded with. I hardly believe Natsu would be any different.

And also

4. Quick little note because some people mentioned liking my portrayal of the Sandaime. I base his decisions/motivations (and Itachi and Danzo's to a certain extent) around this quote by Clementine von Radics: "It is so hard to live half monster, to hurt everything you love by trying to protect it wrong."

Pros: Watching Natsu just casually disregard the idea of gender with little to no thought is the greatest thing anyone will ever experience beyond, I dunno, the party we’re all gonna collectively throw when soggy Cheeto dies (I still haven’t decided which song we should make chart number one when that happens)

Given that I’ve technically read this three times you should already know the writing is fucking amazing, like, whoa, mind blown type of amazing, like, wow, so good, I usually hate rereading something I’ve read before, and especially so soon after the fact but geez Louis is this fic amazing

Natsu is just as easy to fall in love with as Naruto, and they are still the same people with slightly different personalities as is to be realistically expected with a situation like Naru’s was.

Also, GENDERFLUID REPRESENTATION DONE FUCKING AMAZINGLY IS ALWAYS A PLUS!!!!!!!

The author manages to convey a very realistic genderfluid character in an incredibly believable manner, while also still keeping Natsu/Naruto themself. They’re still the Naruto that we knew and loved, but they’re different too, as is to be expected. when Natsu is a girl no-one stumbles, she is a girl without a doubt, even the author doesn’t trip up on societal expectations, and when Naruto is a boy there is next to immediate acceptance of this fact with absolutely zero (0) Zero bullshit from transphobes, which, as a genderfluid person myself, is always fucking nice to see. You’ll have to read it to know more though.

Natsu running around creating seals is honestly the greatest thing ever, and the end scene with the village made me cry a lil bit, and dammit this fic is so fucking good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, there’s a scene, where Natsu heals Kakashi, and the way the author handled explaining the intimate not sexual relationship between two of my favorite characters ever is just, so subtly beautiful, the sibling-bond these two have is beautiful, and a part of me wants to cry sometimes when I read it, and usually do cry a little when I get to this scene, and only partially because of what happened directly before it.

I love the way everybody just gets up and moves past their trauma and just decides to politely ignore it, oh they still have it, they still deal with it, but they care, and they are careful about it, and even though it hurts them like a knife-wound to the kidney in slow-motion they still get back up and keep fucking going. That’s hella admirable and I can respect that, I can respect even more that they slowly but surely let themselves heal as time moves on. This fic is beautiful on so many different levels but it is this one perhaps, that is the most magnificent. Perhaps.

Sasuke is adorable and depressing and adorable and I love it. And Ino is still a bad bitch but she’s a kid so we only see it like a handful of times in the first two chapters. The Akimichi/Yamanaka/Nara are all great, and I occasionally pity Inionchicause like, he’s putting up with a well-informed seal genius that’s still hyper, a slightly frightening medic-kunoichi with giant dogs, another slightly more frightening medic-nin who isn’t the greatest fighter but damn can he be intimidating and also really good at pointing out “Certain Things” while judging you about them which, honestly, is my greatest pastime. Itachi is so sweet and then so tragic oh my gods, and Natsu never even considers giving up on him. Kakashi is so sweet, and he slowly becomes less of a beaten dog as time goes on and I just love all of these characters.

Except for Hiruzen. Well, no, I still love this particular incarnation of Hiruzen, for all that he’s got one hell of a pathetically small backbone, I get why he does shit. But that doesn’t make me happy. Still, he’s better than dumbledouchebag. Granted that’s not difficult, and you might have to actively put an effort in to be as bad as that guy, but still. Plus, his hearts in the right place, and he’s less about the greater good then... certain disgraces to teaching and being in charge of a large group of people... Hiruzen is actually kinda sweet and admits he has issues and actually has an excuse that’s understandable for the shit that he pulls which is great, if sadly uncommon.

Anyways, Sakura is terrifying, and I remembered why I had a crush on her. She’s so badass, also, she ends up Princess Mononoke basically which, honestly, is fucking great, and the best thing we could’ve asked for, I love all of these characters so much!!!

Aesthetic: It reminds me off beefy stew (We don’t eat beef, so we used vegan soy beef stuff instead, and it was just as good.) it reminds me of the warmth, and friendship, and home that I felt after my mom and I make dinner together with nothing but a little music on and jokes passing back and forth between us. It reminds me of scraping my knee and having my friends help me to their mom, it reminds me of loyalty and compassion. It reminds me of dancing outside at night, alone in the forest with nothing but the moon for company and wind for music. It reminds me of the first time I realized that I could love someone despite their gender and that I should despite mine. It reminds me of finely spun handmade lace, and all it’s delicate while also reminding me of the sturdiest of steels, it reminds me of so much. It reminds me of acceptance, and understanding, and so much more. If I were to say what food and drink it reminds me of, I’d say chicken noodle soup, and sweet lavender-lemon tea.

Music Aesthetic: So, I made a playlist while I was reading this the first time around, and instead of a gif or twenty like I would usually prefer to do I’m going to add that playlist. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLbhXmTSBbAyjk0m1b4BZUp3t0RHL83LDK

But if I were to add a gif or two it’d be these

Because something about this fic reminds me of rainy days with tea and baggy clothes.

Every time Natsu/Naruto decided to fight ever, to be honest.

#sasunaru #naruto x sasuke #Sasuke x Naruto #Satan has great taste in: SasuNaru #kakairu #Satan has great taste in: KakaIru #long fic #Long Read #over 100k #Naruto #It's another Naruto one #sasuke #fem!naruto #sorta #genderfluid!naruto #give it a chance #trust me #fic rec

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thegeekycolombo · 4 years

Text

Twenty Years Later

“Do you remember that girl we used to hang out with in high school?” Ashley asks as she shuffles the cards to deal.

“Sorta. The depressed one, right? God, what was her name…” Sara trails off, sifting casually through the latest issue of People.

“Kristy…no, that’s not it…um, oh! Samantha, right?”

“Oh yes! Samantha. Wow, I haven’t thought about her in years. What made you think of her?”

“I saw her on that alumni site and Melissa told me she was coming to our reunion. She’s been on my mind ever since. The barista here looks so much like her it’s eerie. That made me think of her.” Sara peers nonchalantly toward the counter as Ashley deals the cards. “What do you think happened to her?”

“Didn’t she have a baby or something when we were in high school, like senior year?”

“No, that was just a rumour. She had a tumor or something. Didn’t we visit her in the hospital and bring her homework and stuff to her? I know my mom went a few times.”

“Ohhhh yeah. That’s right. That was crazy. She seemed so unphased by that, too. I would have been terrified. I can’t even imagine dealing with something like that in high school. She was such a strange person. Do you remember that time we went over to her house on a Friday night to drag her out with us and she was just laying in her bedroom, lights off, reading by flashlight?”

“That was so odd! I so weirded out by that. I just wanted to shake her and say, “Girl! We are sixteen years old, it’s Friday night, and we have cars. Let’s go!”

Sara lays down her meld and then plays her last card. She grabs the cards to straighten the deck while Ashley tallies up her points. “Yeah she was so weird sometimes. Do you remember the stories she would tell us about her mom? Do you think she was really that horrible? She seemed nice to me.”

“Who knows. I thought her mom was nice, too, but remember that time Samantha got in trouble for making us sandwiches at her house? That was insane. She was grounded for two full weeks for that.”

“That’s right! I’d forgotten all about that. What is so bananas about that is that she was always at our houses and our parents never hesitated to have her over for dinner or whatever. Do you remember how we could never have sleepovers at her house either? Not that I would have wanted to if her mom really was crazy.”

“Totally. It’s your deal by the way.” Ashley gets up to refill their coffee cups at the counter. As she sits down she says, “Didn’t she move out of her parent’s house after our sophomore year? And then went to live with that guy she knew from Rocky? Do you remember that?”

“Oh wow, I forgot about that, too. How did that all happen? Wasn’t it over something stupid that her parent’s freaked out over? I remember feeling so bad for her. Like she’s a straight A student, almost top of our class, tutoring other kids all the time, and working seven days a week, I know Samantha wasn’t perfect, but damn. She had her act together more than most of us.”

“True. She was just so depressed, though. It was embarrassing sometimes. I would go look for her when we had off hours together and find her sitting in a corner of the hallway or the library by herself, listening to music and writing or drawing, hoodie pulled up over her head. She lived in her own world a lot, it was so weird. One time I sat next to her for a good fifteen minutes before she even realized I was there.”

“And do you remember trying to hug her? She’d have none of it. She hated to be touched.”

Ashley draws a card and discards mindlessly, “I wonder why we stopped being friends with her. I mean you and I are still friends but it’s like Samantha just disappeared. One day we were driving around, the three of us listening to music and laughing about silly stuff, and the next day she was just gone.”

“I feel like we never really knew her. You know, as a person. She never told us anything about anything. But she knew everything about us.”

“Right? What kind of girl doesn’t like to sit around and talk about boys, gossip, and talk about their feelings? I can’t even remember her having a crush on anyone.”

“Well, there was that guy from Rocky. Do you think they were a thing? Did we ever even meet him?”

“Hmm, I don’t think they were a thing. I think they were just friends. I never met him but saw them once. I was driving my brother somewhere and saw them laying in the grass at City Park one night. Oh! I do remember this, though. She was laughing. She looked like she was laughing so hard she was crying. I had never seen her like that before.”

Sara lays down her second meld, discards her last card, and chuckles. “Why are you so bad at this game?”

“I don’t know, but you are killing me. I have three Aces in my hand. I’m going to have to win the next three just to stand a chance.” Ashley jots down her score and shuffles the cards. “It was weird seeing her…happy. She looked free and comfortable. I wish we got to see that side of her.”

“She was weird and she was definitely depressed, but she was so cool and such a good friend. She used to leave us the neatest little paintings in our lockers with poems or song lyrics written on the back. I wonder if I still have any of those…” Sara wonders aloud. “Hey, do you remember when Jack dumped you and what she did when she found out?”

“I try not to think about that guy, okay? He shattered my lil teenage heart that day.” Ashley explains, dramatically falling back in her chair.

“Yeah, yeah, but forget about him. Samantha called me the minute she found out. She went and bought all our favorite junk food items, rented some movies, picked me up, and we showed up at your house, sleeping bags and all.”

“That’s right, wow. She was always there when I needed her. It’s like she just knew what to say and what to do in any given moment. She was always there to support us no matter what. Heck, she’s the only reason I survived Dill’s AP lit class!”

Sara giggles and rolls her eyes. “Well, it wouldn’t have been that hard had you actually read the books.”

“Fine.” Ashley, sits back thoughtfully, placing her cards face down on the table and cupping her coffee with both hands. “I wish she had opened up to us more, though. I really cared for her and I worried about her. It’s like every time we tried to reach out to her, she shut down even more.”

The two friends sit in silence for a few moments, allowing their minds to get lost in their own memories. “Did you ever see her cry? I don’t think I ever saw her cry. Or get angry. Or even be happy. It’s like she didn’t feel anything ever.”

“I just remember Samantha being so calm and collected all the time. Weird, right? You’d think someone who was that depressed would have been more emotional. Not her. It’s like it just made her seem…subdued.”

“Yeah…” Sara trails off, sitting back in her chair as well, staring off past Ashley’s head at nothing specific. “What do you think happened to her anyway?”

“No idea. It’s like she ghosted our entire class. I talked to a few others from school last week to see if they were in touch with her and no one has heard from her. Makes you wonder. So many people liked her and wanted to be her friend, but she kept everyone at a distance. Well, except that guy from Rocky. What was his name…”

Sara pulls out her phone and clicks on an app, smirking.

“What are you doing? Going to look her up?”

“Of course. Isn’t that what Facebook is for? Stalking people who used to be in your life to see?” Sara states as she quickly types at her phone.

Ashley laughs and shakes her head. “Okay great, let’s do it, I’m too curious not to.”

Sara scrunches her face at the screen as she scrolls slowly. “Found it!” Her eyes dart across the phone screen for a few moments, “Well, there’s not much public info on her profile. She has a boring quote from some boring fantasy novel, zero public information otherwise, oh but look at this adorable photo of her and her grandma!”

“Oh, that’s so great, she looks so different!” Ashley says grabbing the phone and zooming in on the picture. “Do you think she’s married? Does she have kids?”

Sara takes the phone and scrolls further. “It doesn’t look like it. No pictures of anyone accept her and her dog mostly. Some with her sister and another woman. A few of her posts are public, but mostly memes and political stuff.”

“I’m glad she’s alive and I hope she’s doing well. She looks like she’s doing well anyway. She almost looks happy in some of these pictures. I always thought she might kill herself or something.”

“Really? Why did you think that?”

“Samantha just seemed so lonely. Obviously, she was depressed, but it was more than that. Like she didn’t fit into this world or something. She seemed to be in a lot of pain because of it.”

“Should I send her a friend request?” Sara asks hesitantly.

“No way. Don’t you think she might be mad at us for not reaching out to her sooner? I mean twenty years have passed. Kind of shitty of us, don’t you think? Then be like oh were just talking about you.”

“Good point. It would be weird. She’s probably fine anyway. I mean she looks fine in those pictures. And besides, it’s not like she has reached out to us.” Sara looks at her phone once more, her finger hovering for a moment over the ‘Add Friend’ link. She exits the app and then puts it away in purse. The two resume their card game and move on to talking about their own lives and gossip about celebrities.

#reflectionsintime #depression #lostfriends #journaling #shortstories #truthinfiction

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artdjgblog · 4 years

Photo

Innerview: M.L. / University of the Arts, Philadelphia, PA

April 2008

Image: MO Fine Arts Academy Name Badge / Logo: Roman Duszek

Note: Interview for a design student’s art history lecture.

Introduction:

I wanted to know if you would be willing to answer a few questions for me. I really like your work, because I really appreciate the super hand-done and collage quality of it. I think it’s a way of working that’s often forgotten and overlooked, but personally I really like it, and your work really appeals to me. I’m especially interested in your work with show posters, so if you would be amenable to a short interview I would really appreciate it. You can just shoot me back an e-mail, or if you prefer a phone interview that would be fine too. Thanks! 01) Did you go to school for art, or are you self taught? I was fortunate to attend one of the best kept secrets in design schools at Southwest Missouri State University (SMSU) in Springfield, MO. Shortly after I left, the name was simplified to Missouri State University. (Rewind A Bit to 1996) The year before my Freshman fall semester, I was selected for the first annual Missouri Fine Arts Academy, which was held on the campus of SMSU. Before my senior year of high school (back in 1996) I thought about pursuing a career in architecture design, in particular, the area of sports stadium design. Though, after several years of lying to myself that I would eventually kick my math deficiency, I got a kick in the gut that this might not be my best choice. I loved to shut myself in my room for hours at a time drawing everything from comics to sports logos to buildings and such. I loved the creative aspect of this and felt that not only might I lose some of that personal one-on-one with architecture (though, nothing short of creative, but it’s a relatively computer and technical group effort), I would be held responsible to make the designs actually “work”. Being that I was terrible at math I didn’t want to be held accountable for future building flops. So, at the Fine Arts Academy I did a little bit of re-discovering of my own wheels, as I realized that I had more to offer from my fingertips. Raised from the dirt of a farm in the middle of the mid-west, I was pretty naive to most all things having to do with graphic design, I just knew that I should head in that direction, yet not limit myself only there. And I had shown signs of graphic design earlier on by way of winning a small town logo competition for a skating rink / bowling alley in the fifth grade. I just had a hunch while in creation of the identity (they kept the original, but i still have the newspaper clipping copy depicting my original entry) that I would be chosen out of the dozen other area schools and get my creation up on that big sign. Well, come time for the grand opening of The Fun Factory, my school principal forgot to notify me or my parents that I was the celebrated one to christen the new establishment. The next week she apologized, but i didn’t really give a care as I don’t like such sanctions of attention, and I still don’t. Most kids would have been struck with disappointment by the loss of a free chance to be the first to scuff the freshly waxed lanes with boulders and the new floor with skates, but the deep gut spoilage came to me by way of finally getting to see my logo up on that sign. I was devastated. My design had been butchered. This was my earliest memory of design sabotage. How could somebody take my vision and just ruin it? I look at all things in my life to have lead me up to this point in the writing, and so I feel that early little burnt spark in my gut that day told me something important…pour yourself into your work and protect that. (Fast Forward To 1996) To shorten the story, I came back from those three weeks of Fine Arts Academy in a born-again sense within my own talents, though still unsure of how to officially tap into it like I once had before body hair and outside influences and distractions pushed “play”. Being inspired by a couple of graffiti artists that I observed at the Fine Arts Academy, I began studying the art of typography (though, I had no idea what that word meant then) by way of this whole new world of urban language. And being that I tried to keep my nose clean and lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere, I just practiced my own graffitied typography twists and turns by way of perfecting one-of-a-kind personalized locker names and special birthday certificates for my classmates and friends on cheap Wal-Mart sketchbook paper. I was never so thankful to be attached to my small school in such a way as I only had two dozen classmate name plates to hand draw and color and diecut. If I did that now, my hands would surely buckle. I didn’t need to do it then, but I saw it as an investment towards the future growth of my work, or some way to start my last year of schooling fresh. My senior year was mostly spent in my bedroom making things. All of my friends had girlfriends and I had my work to sit next to on weekend nights. I also was inspired by a new art teacher at the school named Allen Heck. He was a real artist and not just some fluke or painter who couldn’t sell work so in-turn dropped on the totem pole to teach a crummy low-budget art program. Allen had a business head and an artistic head and he meant business in a classroom that spilled creativity. Even though there were a couple of art teachers before Allen that I admired, most art classes before his were mostly afterthoughts or throwaways. Places where the jerk-off kids could goof and ruin the atmosphere for the ones who wanted to be there to learn and develop, just like at most any school, i suppose. Anyway, I found an excuse to be in Allen’s classroom as much as I could and he sorta guided me on some design paths. I also helped him teach several of the elementary classes (we had K-12 grades all under one roof) that year. At this same time I was getting really involved in devouring music and an early mining idea of combining art and music started to strike, though it wouldn’t cement until several years later. Outside of Allen’s classes I landed a logo for the local Future Farmers of America chapter, along with other little so-called “best artist in the class” projects. A title that I didn’t really think I deserved as a friend of mine was ten times the draftsman that I was. Anyway, for my not-so troubles with the Future Farmers (I wasn’t a member and I didn’t want to follow my blood line), I got a giant canvas carrying case for artwork big enough that a beefy baby calf corpse could take a nap in it (I use it now to stuff my dirty clothes in for the laundromat trips). In early 1997, my guidance counselor set-up a special solo trip for me to visit an area company that specialized in yearbook designs. I went and wasn’t completely enthused about this place that seemed to put a lock on creativity in a darkened room with eyes staring at computer screens, shuffling around items given to them, though, I lied to myself that as I would grow older, this is what I might want. It just didn’t really say “Happiness” to me though, more-so (to quote The Beatles), “Happiness is a warm gun”. Still, I decided to go on ahead with going to a college that had graphic design courses. As graduation loomed on the purple and white horizon, I began to think a bit more seriously about applying for schools to further my education. Being that I had some solid fortune at the Fine Arts Academy at Southwest Missouri State University, and being that Springfield, MO was four hours south down the black top road (far enough from everything, but not too far for a weekend visit), I registered with no time to spare. Thoughts of the Kansas City Art Institute loomed, but they were more expensive, and i felt some sort of strange magnetism to SMSU. I ended up getting in by a scrape to the only college I applied for. I had the lowest common denominator for test scores and was in the top half of my graduating class as I was 12 out of 24. That was all the requirements I needed, the deal was set. The transition from high school to college art class (like most I assume) was a little challenging for me as I soon realized that the mold I was in previously had to be broken as I wasn’t comparable to skill with my new classmates. Though, the drawing classes frustrated, yet intrigued me, I did do fairly decent in my fundamentals design classroom. And this is where I learned more about making like-minded, potential life-long friends, a skill I hadn’t perfected much since my first day of Meadville first grade. All of my friends in foundations course were annoyed with working in cutting blades and paper and such…whereas, I flourished a good reputation in those departments and at times neglected all other areas of my studies to perfect my art skills. On break one early spring morning my friends spoke of much better things to come in the coming semester. Their minds were on the computer. They couldn’t wait as they had backgrounds in computer-related image creating in their high school yearbook classes. My school had one computer until I was a senior, and then we got a baker’s dozen or so. Other than that few hour visit to the local yearbook factory, I was naive to the idea of a computer as the essential tool for the modern day graphic designer. Exhausted by their comments, anxieties swelled in me and out finally popped my ignorance to the subject, “I plan to take the direction in graphic design that is done without the computer. I’m going to take the courses that are all hands-on.” And instant mockery, was I. My friends ripped me a new one and basically said I better learn pretty quick because graphic design wasn’t conquered without the computer. This is all really quite humorous to me know (possibly to them too) as I’ve somehow managed some mild success with my hands-on design approach and most of them are staring at computers all day in jobs they dislike or not even doing graphic design at all. Later that year I found out where the design kids were stuffed as I climbed aboard a twenty minute bus ride to the small downtown area of Springfield and up an elevator zooming past vacant floors housing archives of university products and collections to the top of a five story building where the world of graphic design officially opened up to me. Did it open wide at first? That answer is a giant NO as I was still so naive to what the heck I was getting into that when my friends early-on claimed, “I can’t wait until next semester for typography class”. I said, “Cool! We get to design maps?” 02) Were your areas of interest in school (artistically) the same as they are now? My artistic whatevers were put on hold the first few semester of design school. Not only that, but they were run thru the emotional and physical gambits over and over. Being thrown on a computer was very troubling for me and there was a time that I almost quit design all together because I didn’t feel a connection to the work anymore thru the screen barrier. So, I struggled to find myself again for about a year and a half. Though, at the same time the design instructors at SMSU were (and still are) old-fashioned in a sense with their training and we still did many hands-on projects. I shined more in these areas, though my work still seemed more like decorating than me trying to say something. True, design is pretty much decorating and saying something, but, I couldn’t really find myself and it felt more like doing my chores than anything else. I think it can be dangerous when the designer is hogging the avenue and only speaking for their ego or style and not client intentions. Sometimes a healthy dose of both works, sometimes not. Anyway, I just didn’t “get” what I was doing and basically was doing an incredibly OK job at fulfilling my instructor’s projects. Which is fine, but it took me a while to really enjoy design. All of the instructor’s at SMSU were (mostly still are) from Eastern Europe and Russia. This was a great experience for me as it opened me up to not only a unique education in design, but also one in culture. I felt a strange connection to this as I was somewhat foreign being an artistically-challenged kid from a farm in The Sticks, Missouri. There is an exciting mix of design and passion going on down there on the fifth floor of that building. New wheels in me started to get greased around this same time and my eyes started to open a pinch. And they really thumped when I went on a limb to attach illustration classes to my already full plate during my junior year. I was starting to get hungry and / or full…full in a sense to where I needed to get the work out of my system. It was time for me to find my voice. 03) How did you get started working as an illustrator? Growing up and drawing a lot, I thought I was pretty decent at it, but nothing more special or ordinary than creating strange, graphic WWII battles and mimicking comic book characters. I even had an epic, life-sized drawing of Batman I worked on at my grandma’s almost every week after school. Sadly, I think it was thrown away recently when she moved. However, on the back burner to the drawing, there was a side of me that always did a lot of cut-outs and saving and archiving of things. I think most every kid at some point cuts things of interest from magazines and tacks them to their wall or jumbles words cut to make “cool” sayings glued on paper. My older brother and I did this a lot. Mostly, we were just never bored and always doing something and always being inspired by anything and everything. We even created our own little magazine (I still have a few issues) at my grandma’s. My grandmother was a good influence on my creative side too as we were always making homemade things there. My siblings and I recreated any event we went to or anything we watched on television / movies in our sandbox, tree house(s), forts and bedroom. I was fortunate to have a large intake of popular culture and mix that with the experience of farm life and a lot of room to play. All of this fueled my creative side to where at a younger age I had a lot of options to choose from and I enjoyed and loved them all. Though, it took me a while to re-discover this within myself in design school. I was getting deeper into school and the ever present “What do I wish to do with my life” question(s) (among other personal mind trappings and inner wrangling). This especially was asked after I signed up with other design students on several professional studio visits. Every time I would come home with an empty heart from these “creative” places that felt more like controlled meat markets than anything remotely creative. Some people thrive in certain areas and not everybody wants the same thing, but the typical trappings of community computer screen shuffling didn’t offer me much hope at all. I have always enjoyed being alone making things. I’ve also been very protective of my creations and I didn’t want to be thrown into a factory-like design setting unless it was my own to where I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and have parental rights and control. Coming back to school from these studio visits was very discouraging to me. I felt confused and as if my career path was in a box already. Around this time I toyed with the idea of taking illustration classes to help push myself a little more as I wanted to keep what little fire I had in me from burning out. However, I wasn’t confident in my illustration skills as I thought I wasn’t solid enough at regular drawing. This is a terrible mistake that I feel many students make. I sorta had to shovel deep and realize the way I created when I was younger and that really helped cultivate a new side of me as I learned how to pour myself into and out of my work again and it was fun and special. Looking back, I think mustering up the courage to find confidence in illustration helped me in the long run. Though, at times I still struggle with thinking that I’m still not good enough at particular things. The only competition I have is with myself. 04) Did it take you a long time to find a working style that you are satisfied with? For the most part I advise for makers of things to stay away from the trap of a “working style”. And it’s mighty easy to stumble or choose something and milk it, which is the feeling I get from the majority of artists and designer’s portfolios. It’s easy to stick with turning over the same old tires on the same old asphalt. I realize I have a certain feel to my body of work, but each day my head’s approach to life is so different (heck each minute sometimes) that I try to trust my gut instincts. I just try to speak from my heart, which ends up in my gut sometimes. A lot of times I trust good ol’ intuition. Of course, some projects require a bit more fine tuning than others as something like a logo has more life than say, a concert poster. Even though the logo might have more of a lasting impression, I’d rather put my butter to the blank paper bread of the poster. I love to try new things and just reach and grab at whatever I have around me and in my head, marriaging that with the band and the music in some strange brew. At times it can be quite intoxicating and when you do it enough and for a long while, you end up not even thinking, rather just doing and it’s fluid and non-calculating. This is when it becomes pure, this is when design becomes true language. I’ve had some projects where I’ll be told about it from a client and I’ll immediately have a vision in my head of how it should look, and then go home and start teaching it how to walk. Items like CD packages are very similar to logos because you’ve got to really give out something that you don’t mind sticking around a while in the lock-down of identity for a product or persona. There have been a few CDs that have happened out in a matter of a couple hours. The majority though, I like to have enough time to tackle and build in three separate sessions. But, I really don’t like sitting on projects for a long time. And usually the client has more of a personal care for a CD than a poster, so it might take a three act play or teeter tottering until all sides are fixed to fancy. I’ve had a few CDs that have stretched to almost a year. Being that my work is recognizable to a hands-on aesthetic, I’m sure most think that I don’t touch a computer. This is true and not true. I try to build as much as I can by hand as I love that connection I get. The screen barrier between me getting dirty with my work has bothered me and created anxieties with my work since day one in formal design class when I was thrown on a computer to mash buttons. I do what I can by hand and then use the computer as a layout and printing tool and I use it to correct or help put the finish on some items. Most designers forget that the computer is only a tool. If I could have it my complete way, I wouldn’t use a computer at all. I have made several projects in this way, but it’s hard to do it all in this fashion anymore and I have a wide format ink jet printer to print a lot of my more complex poster works with. The computer has ruined and helped designers. But, overall I feel that if it’s treated with respect and not used as substitute brains, then a designer will truly show his or her meat and potatoes. For the most part, I get a little disappointed in the output from a vast majority of designers as it all feels far away like an afterthought that doesn’t count, or simply as a decorating kit or pre-fabricated template you buy at a craft store. But, I try to keep my disgruntled burly bears close to my own heels. As long as I am creating what needs to be created from my own little corner of the basement, then I am a pretty happy camper. Though, the computer has broken many a bulb, not only with designers, but also with attitudes toward treating the designer with respect. Maybe it’s always been this way, but it’s easy for me to think that I can throw an iPhone and hit somebody who thinks they know graphic design because they can change the colors on their myspace or blog (and I’d have to borrow their iPhone to do so). It’s great that creativity is being fused with daily interaction, in a sense, but it can get a little confusing for people. I don’t think it should be reserved for a certain few, but I feel that everybody thinks they are a graphic designer now. It’s like trying to keep the raccoons out of the patch of sweet corn. You’ve just got to find the right gauge of wire to shock the perimeter with so they will find other food to steal and nibble. And there are still those who are hungry enough to go find and get the good stuff on their own. I suppose I’ve found myself to be more in tune to old folk artists and with the mindset of the old school designers and illustrators. Folk art is as pure in art and language as cave painting and daily ancient living. I like the idea of somebody just up and making something out of the blue because they’ve got to get their story out for themselves. Last summer I went from The Museum of Modern Art to the American Folk Art Museum in New York City in an afternoon and found a more pure-incentive to making things from the folk artists than the artists and designers across the street. It was refreshing. I had been enjoying my personal study of folk art history the past four or five years, but seeing it out of the pages of a book or web site really gave it a new light. And to see that most folk art has pushed into some avenues of the mainstream is really interesting, though chokes the purity from it original conceptual intention. I find that a lot of artists and designers are just as much about making themselves as important as the work they are producing. I just have never understood this idea. So, what individuals are my art and design in kin with? There are many, and it goes beyond just one field, but here is the short list: Grandma Gibson / Jim Henson / Stanley Donwood / Lester Beall / Saul Bass / Seymour Chwast & Pushpin Studio / Paul Klee / Ivan Chermayeff / Henryk Tomaszewski / Art Chantry / Vaughn Oliver / Edward Gorey / Saul Steinberg / Bill Traylor / Ray Johnson / Eric Carle / Cy Twombly / Robert Rauschenberg / Henry Darger / Hans Schleger…to name a few. There are a few items I’ve created that I can tell don’t speak right in retrospect (and they are probably obvious to others as well). These were the ones that caught me in a bad mood, exhaustion or in a lack of time. It’s so hard not to let the daily life and emotions influence the work. And in my case I’ve never been able to just chase my dreams, as I’ve had to work full-time day jobs and at times part-time jobs on top of those, and then slide my work into late nights and weekends (and I always had a girlfriend on top of that…now, a wife). It can be a hard struggle for a healthy balance. I just try to approach it with the idea that I am a man and a man who happens to make things. I am doing what I need to be doing and working hard towards the goal of some day having all of the clocks wound on my time. I have been fortunate in my choices of day jobs. I admire those who wish to live in near-poverty designing for bands and independent projects, but there is no money in it at all and it’s easy for people to take advantage of you. I tried it for a few short stints, but got tired quickly of scraping by and relying on musician’s responsibility of paying me and I ran out of belongings to sell to pay the rent. Throwing out the few bad apple clients, I must say I can’t complain too much as I’ve been blessed with some great people to not only work with, but also to have relationships with beyond the art. Janitorial and groundskeeping had me for 5 years and I loved it. The pay isn’t great, but I was alone and within my thoughts and had time to write and actually make a few things while on the clock. Also, I was able to bring home whatever stuff I could dig out of the dumpster. I’m still chipping at a 15,000 page stack of bricked paper that I found in a dumpster 6 years ago. Currently, I am in the second year of being trapped in a cubicle as a data entryman. It’s a great job, it’s not too difficult, I work with people I know, I walk to work, I’m able to get my teeth fixed and am setting aside some money now for my future, but I don’t plan to marry it as it’s not what I need to be doing with my talents. Many days I can’t sit still because all I can think about is going home and making things. Design is a way of life for me. It’s easy for it to start to take over at times, but I’ve been working on a better balance of it by getting up at 5:00 in the morning, before the “junk” pollution of the day. I love getting up before the crickets and getting to work. Even if I’m filling up on books and movies, it’s still work for me. But, it’s not really work, it’s just what I enjoy and I kinda need it to aid survival. If a designer only puts their design mind onto paper / screen into a 9 to 5 crack, then they might want to think about looking into other lines of life work to chew on. 05) Do you do a lot of self promotion, and how? I’ve been in an interesting position to where my work has been trickling word of mouth for the most part. I’ve been surrounded in positions where I’ve been around musicians a lot and in general, people have been attracted to my creations to where they too want me to make them something. With age, I don’t get out as much to shows, nor do I live with musicians anymore (thankfully). Those days were great, but that kind of lifestyle can’t be taken seriously forever. But, it helped shape me in some way. And I’ve established myself, somewhat. It still amazes me that my work is speaking in the volume that it has. It’s certainly nothing of major impact, but it means a lot to me. For many years I’ve also been at a constant with submitting large quantities of my work to yearly design magazine annuals. This breaks my bank for sure, but it’s the best way of promotion as the work gets spread around the world quickly. I have contacts in many countries who found me this way and thus, offer me entry into their books, magazines, contests or give me a shot to make something for them. The internet is a great source too, of course. Recently I’ve somehow caught a breathe of fresh air from the web currents and realize the easy importance of putting myself out there on it. It’s a strange world though, and I’m still a bit ignorant of it, but I’m becoming more comfortable. I used to not be into self-promotion much. Not only that, I just didn’t have much time with it, being weighed down by day jobs and life stuff. And I’m a believer of the work speaking for itself and letting it take time to mature and incubate. Right now I’m looking at how much weight my portfolio has gained and am seeing what alternate routes I can walk with it. I’ve always planned to be doing my best work, for me, but I’ve never really pushed it as hard until now, as the big No. 30 looms. True, I am making what I want to make, but I don’t wish to be working a full-time job much longer. I have alot more to say and in different varieties of value packs and I just need more second hands to say it in. 06) Lastly, because I’m interested in doing show posters, do you have any advice on positioning oneself into that market?

I tell a lot of people a similar thing that I’ve heard Quentin Tarantino say to aspiring filmmakers, (to paraphrase here) “Just go and make what you need to make and do it at whatever cost.” Just get out there and make things and get those things out, even if you go broke or worn out doing it. Catch fire and start a paper trail. I was fortunate to not only love devouring music since the day my ears could, but ended up in positions to where I was surround by musicians and / or individuals with like-minded inner ear infestations. Most importantly, I found that I could merge the things I loved into a cohesive music and art stomping ground. My last couple of college years I befriended several bands and musicians and had my own little business on the side from class, making show posters and CD packages. After four and a half years of college and exhausting all my design class options…AND ability to fail Algebra four times and even an art history course…I had a higher calling to quit spinning my own wheels and dropped college from the daily schedule, among many other things weighing me down at the time. It was gutsy, but one of the most crucially sound decisions I’ve ever made. I moved from the Bible Belt Buckle comforts of Springfield and into a big, orange, dilapidated house in the middle of a shady section of Kansas City, Missouri with a band that had become my best friends. I almost didn’t do it as my pants pockets were turned inside-out and thoughts of sticking around the family farm to save up money kept me down. I think a lot of people were very disappointed in me too for quitting school. But, my decision was made and I believe in following the heart instead of stopping up the artery. I would have been miserable to stay at home and I had bigger fields to plow and sew. And I didn’t need a piece of paper saying what I was supposed to be doing. Most importantly, only I can tell myself what I should do with me. -djg

#innerviews

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themusingsofacurlyhairednerd · 7 years

Text

All My Friends Are Heathens; Part 7

Master list of chapters is here

Part 6 is here

Summary: Echo makes a pass at Bellamy; Octavia gets into a car accident; and Bellamy is cooking up a plan to go out with Clarke.

Azgeda_Is_Life: Hey ;)

Iliad: This is a bad time Echo

Azgeda_Is_Life: Busy day shushing toddlers, huh?

Iliad: No, actually, that would have been preferable.

I’m in the hospital with my idiot sister, who, while trying to butt in on my love life, drove her car into a ditch and gave herself a concussion when her eggshell of a skull slammed into the steering wheel.

Azgeda_Is_Life: 0_0

So this isn’t the time to ask you out then...?

Iliad: ASK ME OUT?

Did I fall into a parallel universe where you have forgotten that you used me to make your ex jealous senior year of high school and then dumped me as soon as he came back???

Or how about the time you tried to break me and Gina up???

Or the time you got so drunk you nearly killed Clarke with a baseball bat?? You remember those things right??

Azgeda_Is_Life: I’m sensing a little hostility here

Iliad: Oh damn I was hoping you’d missed it

*Iliad has left the conversation*

*Bellarke Forever <3 groupchat*

IceIceBaby: WTF u morons!!

Octavia wasn’t actually supposed to drive into the ditch!!

Trikru: NO DUH

Jaaaaaassssppper: how were we to know the road was gonna be wet???

HeadBandWonder: maybe cause it was RAINING

TrashPrince: we should have used raven as bait again

we all know octavia can’t drive for shit

Greenbean: Raven Murphy cursed

i-make-it-go-boom: he lost the bet two days ago

nothing I can do now

my little garbage baby has grown into a trash monster

TrashPrince: that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said about me

HeadBandWonder: I believe it

MillertheKiller: Is Octavia ok????

Trikru: Bellamy’s texting me updates

she’s getting an cat scan right now

IceIceBaby: why aren’t u with her?

Jaaaaaasssssppper: careful lincoln mr steal ur girl over here is about to slide into her dm’s

Trikru: mama bear has, and I quote, “forbidden me to come near her for being such a reckless individual and endangering her life just to land him a girlfriend”

i-make-it-go-boom: ouch

TrashPrince: people get concussions all the time

she’ll be fine

I’ve had like 6 concussions and no one was this worried about me

Guns&Roses: that’s because we LIKE octavia

MillertheKiller: u told us if we talked about u slamming ur head into a wall that u would cut out our tongues and wear them as a necklace

HeadBandWonder: i still have the video of u at Luna’s birthday, after u hit ur head on the bottom of the pool, screaming I’M TOUGH AS SHIT right before u threw up on the birthday cake

and u told me if i showed it to anyone u would make me disappear

i-make-it-go-boom: damn i’m dating a violent garbage monster

Jaaaaaasssssppper: send me the video

TrashPrince: i came out to have a good time and i’m just feeling so attacked right now

IceIceBaby: Once...

TrashPrince: WE GET IT ROAN

LET IT DIE PEOPLE

*Delinquent group chat*

Iliad: Octavia is back home now

she’s got a minor concussion and a broken nose

TheSuperiorBlake: MY BEAUTIFUL FACE IS RUINED AND U STILL WON’T ASK CLARKE OUT U MONSTER

I NEARLY DIED

Iliad: Simmer down commander of darkness, you only drove into a ditch.

Trikru: SHE RISKED HER LIFE FOR U

JUST ASK CLARKE OUT ALREADY

Jaaaaaassssppper: come on dad

do it for the kids

Greenbean: this family is too dysfunctional

we need u and mom together

I’M HAVING SEPARATION ANXIETY

NurseGriffin: why r u guys like this?

TheSuperiorBlake: mommy dearest

my head hurts terribly and dad is being mean to me

TrashPrince: he’s a real menace

u should do something about him

NurseGriffin: bellamy our children would like u to stop antagonizing them ;)

Iliad: Then they should stop being such trolls

NurseGriffin: ur dad has a point kids

i-make-it-go-boom: who’s side r u on??

NurseGriffin: Bellamy’s since he brings me coffee during his lunch break and let’s me sleep on his couch when u assholes trap me in group texts like this

TrashPrince: JUST MARRY HIM ALREADY

i-make-it-go-boom: WIFE HIM UP

*Iliad direct messaged NurseGriffin*

Iliad: I apologize for our idiot children

NurseGriffin: they’re dedicated i’ll give em that

they’ve been trying to get us together since high school

Iliad: I’m surprised they’ve survived this long

NurseGriffin: how long do u think they’ll keep this up for?

Iliad: I dread the thought

Unless....

NurseGriffin: Oooohhhh please tell me Bradbury Blake is here to cause some trouble!! I miss that guy.

Iliad: ;)

We COULD fake date so they get off our backs

NurseGriffin: Like in the Proposal with Sandra Bullock?

Iliad: A great film

Truly iconic

But yeah, like that.

We let ‘em catch us having dinner or something and tell ‘em we’ve secretly been dating for months now. They’ll be so excited their plan worked that they get off our backs and we can finish this semester in peaceful bliss away from all their shenanigans.

NurseGriffin: our friends really are heathens

BUT LET’S DO IT!

Iliad: We really gotta sell it

Hold hands and share food and stuff like that

You know, so they stay off our backs

NurseGriffin: u want me to come by and drop some of my clothes off so it looks like i’m keeping stuff at ur place?

Iliad: perfect

NurseGriffin: AND I’M STEALING UR JACKET

i’ve wanted that thing for months

it’s all soft and smells like pine

Iliad: x_x How the hell do you know that?

NurseGriffin: ‘cause octavia stole it when u went camping with lincoln last month and i might have, sorta, stolen it from her and then hid it in ur laundry pile before u came home

Iliad: Are you the one that spilled coffee on it?

NurseGriffin: was kinda hopin u wouldn’t notice....

Iliad: I don’t mess around when it comes to laundry

NurseGriffin: sorry

Iliad: You can pick it up when you drop your stuff off.

NurseGriffin: 10 okay? I got one more class.

Iliad: Sure thing, princess.

*Iliad direct messaged Officer_Kane*

Iliad: Quick question

Is fake dating your best friend in an attempt to get her to fall in love with you considered catfishing? Murphy says no but I don’t really trust his knowledge of the law.

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checkyesifulikeme · 6 years

Text

this is just me being emo over my boyfriend because a month or so ago we decided today’s our one year and i Love him so you don’t need to read this like at all but if you want to....b my guest!

i never in 1 million years thought i would meet someone like dorian. NEVER. never never never. listen. the ~year or so before we met was my first time being single and feeling completely okay. feeling happier than i’d ever felt before just exploring my interests and making new friends and doing new things, i’ll always cherish that time because i really feel like that’s when i began to know me as i am today. i always felt so detached from who i was growing up. i never made many friends, throughout middle school i was almost completely alone save for my online friends who i love with my whole heart and am still friends with almost a decade later like.........what. but anyways i was so alone and feverishly rejected every aspect of myself that i felt made me so alone. i was too quiet, too shy, too anxious, too sad, too ugly, too hairy, not smart enough, not funny enough. i’ve criticized myself like this from as early as i can remember. on my 5th birthday i walked away from the little area in the park we’d cleared for my party and played alone by my favorite tree, probably pretending to be a jungle cat or something like that. only within the past couple of years did i realize that all of these things ‘hindering’ me are not actually hindering me at all. the only thing hindering me is my repetitive thoughts of “don’t be like this. you are *insert negative thing here* because you are like this. be like them. be like anything Other. just stop doing what You are doing.” and for a very long time i didn’t realize how damaging this was. i always looked up to my father as a child, like he could do no wrong to me i loved him so very much. but he used to be colder than he is now (he’s softened a bit w age/being w a pisces woman for 10+ years) so he had a very deadpan sense of humor and sometimes made remarks that dug deeper than i think he knew into my soft skin. my dad was never abusive, moreso just disconnected in a way many men are, i think. insensitive is a good word. and i’ve always been hypersensitive yet longed so deeply to be exactly like my father. calloused, but funny. able to pick up and play any instrument i wanted to. good at math. all of that! he built his own bass guitar. i think some of my intense obsession with self critique stems from that idealization of a semi-callous man from a very young age. i’ve always been deeply sensitive and easily bruised but i pretend not to be. i downplay my pain. i downplay my scars. i laugh while i tell stories of being blind-sided by my best friend all while i have a symbol of our friendship inked into the back of my arm (no i don’t regret it). i sat alone with the thought of my mother going to prison. i downplayed my pain. my ex cracked a joke about being my “new mom.” i went home and cried for hours.

but anyways. i’m so off track i really didn’t mean for this to turn into my life story but i have always been super self reflective as i said before. but ANYWAYS. dorian and i began talking after that year or so of being alone. i went from an abusive relationship i’d been in from ages 15-17 to dating an alcoholic 4 years my senior to dating his co-worker who i secretly couldn’t stand. and then i was alone and i was happy and i felt like Me for the first time since i was 15 years old. i was done running from sitting with myself. after said year went by i decided i wanted to say fuck it and just talk to some boys i thought were cute cause i knew i had it like that and was like let’s just be a silly lil ho! but that shit is hard first of all idk why boys do That like i was exhausted from it all bitch it wasn’t even fun. but anyways one of the boys was my Now bf dorian and i thought he was the biggest fuckboy like he exhibited prime fuckboy behavior. before that we’d followed each other for like over a year on twitter and i’d curved him twice so i didn’t rly want to DM him (i thought it would look suspicious of me or something) so instead i found his insta and followed it and played the Waiting game and it worked! we started talking and basically we had like the worst compatibility ever over text imo so i wasn’t that into it but he was cute as h*ll to me so i said fuq it baby! we ended up meeting a few weeks later when i drove 2ish hours up to his city with my then best friend to go to a *** *** concert (i will not expose who this is LMAO) so we had like. 30 minutes to meet beforehand and he was highhhhhhhh off his ass when he rounded the corner of the cafe we were meeting at bitch was toasted bitch was fried out his mind i’m telling U..and the entire time he just flamed my shit. and i literally could not tell for the life of me if he liked me or if he was just saying fuck it and doing whatever. oh also i bought him baby pink nail polish as a surprise because he’d mentioned missing having pink nails but he ran out of his polish so i was like ! on the drive up and stopped at a target to find him one (pretty big move for me TBH i’m so shy about people enjoying their gifts especially a STRANGER like..). but he liked it and i was happy. then that night we were texting once i got back to my city and we teased each other a lot but then the teasing turned into making actual solid plans for him to come stay at my house for a couple of days. i was extremely nervous as you can imagine like i’m a Woman and he’s a Strange Man from another City coming to stay in my Home but my crackhead ass did it anyways and i didn’t die and this all has a happy ending so! that’s good. great even. but yes he came down and stayed the night. the next morning while we were getting breakfast and talking was when i realized oh damn i might actually,,really like him? the night before i’d just felt sorta on edge and paranoid because i have a lot of #trama and don’t trust my own judgement very well due to prior abuse so i was just extremely on guard but my walls came down a tiny tiny bit the next day. we agreed on almost everything and liked a lot of the same stuff, like every other sentence was “me too!” to the point that i thought he was fucking w me just to impress me or something/i was worried he thought i was doing the same. we drove back up to his city that night w a friend of mine to go to Another concert (lana del rey, i’ll expose this one) and i just remember having this feeling deep in my chest. not even butterflies. like when you stick a marshmallow on a branch and shove it into the flames of a campfire and the fluff bubbles and pops and drips the coal below, coating it in a sticky hot glaze. that’s how my heart felt. i listened to the shadows by peter & kerry and chanel by frank ocean and passion fruit by drake (lmfao) and felt like a marshmallow perpetually engulfed in flames. i felt so happy i could cry. i felt a little scared too but mostly happy. that’s also something i’ve read before that always stuck with me. something to do with when you meet the right person it’s not supposed to feel like an excited delirious fit of insects in your belly it’s supposed to feel calm and warm and comforting. and that’s kind of how it felt. i don’t know if that’s a 100% worldly truth because i don’t believe there is ever any one right way of Experiencing anything but i just remember thinking about that quote sometimes and being like “huh.”

after that initial feeling of falling in love it just kept going. we saw each other for 2ish days every week from then on, until he evntually moved down here at the beginning of august. we’d only been dating for 6 months but a combination of unexpected situations just sorta pushed things along rather quickly. but i wasn’t nervous. which was strange because both of my longer term relationships got a bit rocky around discussing our futures together. i always claimed to dislike thinking too far ahead but in reality i disliked thinking about being tied to said people in said way. but with dorian i just felt joy. we stopped at ikea “just to look” on the way down and bought a vegetable knife, a cat bed for winnie and wesley, a collapsible tunnel they never played in, 2 giant asymmetrical mauve plates, tupperware with yellow lids and lots of other miscellaneous stuff we didn’t really need nor did we have the money for.

as hard as 2018 was for me i would never reverse a second of it. not for anything in the entire world. i slowly lost all of my high school friends. i slowly lost my mind a little bit too. but he stuck with me through every bit of it. i can’t even begin to get into every wild ass thing that went down throughout the past year but we stood together through it all and that feels so fucking good. i sat on the phone before we lived together and listened to him cry because the world is too cold and i cried with him because i was freezing. he picked me up and carried me home when i ran out of the house crying so hard my head was spinning and i couldn’t see past my tears after the end of one of my longest friendships. a man stared at us from across the street and i sobbed until i couldn’t breathe.

we’re not perfect people and sure anything could happen. we could break up tomorrow. sure. believe me i know that anything can happen. like i said earlier, i have a sizeable matching tattoo with an ex best friend who i essentially thought i’d end up buried next to. but like i said earlier, no, i don’t regret it. and i would never regret love like this. but i also don’t think i will have to. never have i met someone who wants to understand me so fully. who loves me so unconditionally. who gave me the time to open up and decipher my thoughts and feelings and didn’t get tired of it. who helped me to realize that it isn’t me not functioning like ‘every one else’ that’s the problem, it was the self hatred bred from me believing that in the first place. acceptance. he accepted me as i was and i accepted him as he was. i remember saying i felt like i needed someone like me when it came to relationships. growing up i was very drawn to “opposites attract!” and sayings like that, most likely because of my self deprecating disposition, but after the end of my second relationship i knew i was wrong. my whole life i have felt misunderstood and disconnected and alone in my head and like the butt of every joke like a punchline on loop. he was the first person to ever really take me out of that. to sit there while i cried and babbled incoherently about how i just couldn’t put the words together to express why i was upset or tell anyone where it hurts. why i was anxious. why i was mad. i remember clearly sitting with him in my old apartment while my ex roommate/best friend was at work and crying and saying i didn’t know how to ‘say it’ and him explaining back to me everything he’d heard from me so far and his interpretation and i cried and cried and cried and i felt seen for maybe the first time in my entire life. i don’t know what’s in me to make me feel so incredibly separate, and to in turn isolate myself out of this immensely penetrating sense of isolation, but he was the first to extend a hand and actually mean it. i’ve been too many people’s empty shell of a girl to project everything they wanted to see onto. it’s easy to do that with someone who rejects themselves because what is there to lose if you’re not afraid to lose it? i wasn’t perfectly healed when we met, i will never be ‘perfectly’ healed. he was not either and i do not expect him to be. i’m only 20 so really what do i know about life at all. nothing lmao. but i know that dorian is my fucking rock. and i’m his fucking rock. and if i asked him if he wanted to move to another city tomorrow and build a house out of rocks we collected on the drive there he would say yes. and i know i’ve never felt afraid with him. i know i’ve never felt demeaned or belittled or laughed at. i know we play like teething puppies who roll around and bite at one another but are always having fun and if one of us goes too far the play immediately stops and we lick each other in apologies and forgiveness and start our play again. i know we can say ‘i’m sorry’ without the slightest bit of hesitation or resentment because what’s the point of meaningless pride in all of this. don’t we hate that shit anyways? i know i stopped off the freeway and chased a dog with you and both of our best friends at the time a mile or so down the road but he just kept running farther and farther away until we eventually gave up on catching him. i know after that we drove back to my city holding hands and listening to the playlist i made you while we drove 80 mph through the inky black desert. i know i glanced over at you mouthing all of the words to a few of the songs. this is one of my favorite memories. the beginning of our love in it’s most raw form, to me at least. i know we texted each other paragraphs and you couldn’t pay me to take me away from those conversations. i know the entanglement of my volatile emotions and pride gets in the way of things sometimes but i also know when to cut it because that shit’s stupid anyways. i know our composite chart has our moon, mercury and venus in the 7th house and that made me smile because the girl on twitter who read sza’s chart said that was a favorable aspect for marriage. i know that i don’t really believe in marriage but i wouldn’t mind celebrating our love and making the playlist for the wedding and probably getting mad over people talking over “this part!” i know that you’ve never once discouraged me or limited me. i know that we’ve been through things together that would cause most to trip and break a bone or two, at least. but not once have i questioned my love for you. i’ve said doubtful things once or twice, but please understand and believe me when i say that it was only out of habit. isolation. i push back when things hurt. it’s easy for me to leap to worst case scenario in the blink of an eye. my formative teenage years were spent with someone who yelled at me and guilt tripped me and demanded and demeaned and demanded and demeaned and when i left for the second time they didn’t demand anything from me that time. it was a couple of hours later when i got a call from my mother telling me they’d attempted suicide immediately after leaving my house. i felt as collapsible as the tunnel our cats never used. everything i was afraid of came true. i’ve lived in fear for a very long time. you’re the first person to show me there is nothing to be afraid of and to love me with no strings attached. you just wanted to understand me as much as i wanted to understand you. you made me feel wanted, but after i’d began wanting myself, too. i’m just happy we met when we did, and i hope you are too. we’re both damaged in different places but maybe the damage only allows for more love to leak out and accumulate in our bloodstreams- just in different ways than we expected. i love you dorian. and i can’t end things i just ramble and connect and ramble and connect until i stop somewhere suddenly. i just love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. i know that i saw angel numbers before we ever met and that angel number turned out to be my life path number (which i found out about a year later). 333. 333. 333. 333. i know if you add 1 to either digit of my birthday you get your birthday (17 & 28). i know we both loved my chemical romance and fetty wap when we were younger. i know your moon is my sun and your rising is my moon and in some strange way that correlates to you telling the same jokes i’m thinking but don’t always have the energy or will to say. i know that i played you a song off the playlist i made for you before i told you it was made for you and you knew it and had sampled it previously and i thought you were fucking with me because it’s not a very well known song. i know that you texted me telling me you found the song and scrapped it and rewrote and recorded it for me and named it after the color of my nails. i know that you are everything i’ve ever wanted in love but could never put into words much like everything else i’ve felt deeply in this life. i know you don’t rush me at thrift stores because you like them as much as i do. i know you and you know me and that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you.

The Shadows / Peter & Kerry

Relax my hands on the table Uncurl my fingers to reveal superficial indentations Crescent moon shapes mark the surface of my palms It's twilight: your shadows lurking over again Your shadows lurking over again Try to hinder foolish pride From shooting out my mouth like a gust of wind And blowing out your light All I want is you to shine And I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I am blinded by your light Your dark shadows always lurking behind you I am blinded by your light Your dark shadows always lurking behind you And I'll wait here with you until sunrise

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