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telehxhtrash · 4 years

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I know its a big debate but I am not a dudebro for thinking killua and gon are platonic. I have no problem with people who do at all, but I honestly just think they have a strong friendship, and I am for encouraging boys to have these types of bonds with each other ~screw toxic masculinity~ I like following your blog btw

Hi ! First of all, thank you for liking my blog! I’m glad you’re enjoying my content even though I’m killugon trash HAHAH

Oh lord, it really is a big debate. I’m not calling everyone who doesnt like a romantic reading of killugon a dudebro, only the people who are vehemently against it because they say people are projecting and that there is no basis to our claims that hxh is queer work.

This is gonna be me ranting for a bit because it’s a subject that’s very dear to me so i’m very sorry in advance, it’s not against you, just a general statement !

I totally agree that fuck toxic masculinity. It’s so fucking toxic and men should be allowed to show emotions, affection and care openly without fearing for repercussions. And having portrayals of friendships where the characters are not afraid of sharing their love with the other in a totally platonic way is amazing.

However.

There’s been countless representations of this type of relationship in media over the years. In every media, not only anime. I always cite the same example, but take Naruto who is the example that speaks to me the most. (ive never seen it so dont flame me if i say dumb shit). But from my understanding, Naruto and Sasuke’s relationship was a full on middle finger in the face of toxic masculinity. They shared a deep bond, pretty much like Killua and Gon’s. I know a lot of people shipped them because their relationship was borderline homoerotic, but in the end it was just a beautiful representation of a very deep platonic friendship.

And when you’re queer, it’s heartbreaking. Because you’ve been projecting this entire time, for the work to tease you, to literally bait you into showing you inherent queer behavior only for it to say “haha lol jk” at the end is fucking rough. Especially when you’re young and questioning your sexuality, looking at relationships between two best friends and thinking “oh, this feels like I feel when I’m with my best friend, is this romantic love?” and then the work saying nope haha its purely platonic ! its rough. trust me.

The community doesn’t have a lot of positive, healthy queer relationships to identify with. Especially in anime. Most queer relationships are labeled under the special genres “shounen ai” and “yuri” (both of these categories painting queer relationships in the worst possible ways ever btw, but thats a whole other subject). But it’s fucking sad. Because we deserve to see queer representation in works that are not classified as those genre. We shouldn’t have to dig into a particular genre to identify with characters : there should be queer representation no matter the genre, whether it be a shoujo, a seinen, or for example, a shounen battle manga.

And that’s why HxH is so important to the queer community. Because it displays just that. That you can have good queer representation in non shounen-ai genres. That queer relationships are normal and should not have to be classified under a certain category.

A lot of queer people identify and recognize HxH as queer work, because of a few reasons. Togashi has always been interested in queer representation, having put queer characters in every single one of his works. There was a trans girl in YYH, a trans man in Level E, Alluka in HxH. Togashi also wrote several gay characters in both of these works. I always repeat myself on this, but Togashi also wanted to write a gay sports manga, but was turned down. His favorite manga when he was younger was a shounen-ai. So yes, Togashi has deep history and is very involved in queer representation.

Togashi is also very fucking smart. Just look at all the metas people are producing every day about hxh and understand how much effort togashi has put into his work : he’s a smart man, who makes conscious choices about everything he puts in his manga. So when you see the way he portrayed Killua and Gon’s relationship, and for now most importantly Killua, you know it’s not accidental. Togashi has put SO much subtext in his work about Killua in general, from his birthday being Tanabata to him wanting to commit a lovers’ suicide with Gon, and Togashi KNOWS how it comes across, he’s not dumb. He knows what those things mean, he knows that a shinjuu is a heavily connotated word, and that people, ESPECIALLY JAPANESE PEOPLE who have the cultural context, are gonna think “oh, maybe Killua is gay”. Because that subtext is intentional. And there’s a lot of it. If you haven’t read my post on the subtext of HxH, I invite you to do so because there’s a LOT of it.

In short, HxH has the subtext, has the potential and has the one author that is not afraid of putting queer stuff in his work. That’s why Killugon is so important to the community, and that’s why a lot of people, especially queer folks, insist on the romantic reading of their relationship.

Because it’s extremely important to queer people. Positive representation of queer relationships in anime is hard to come by, ESPECIALLY in the shounen genre. And sadly, because our society is drowning in deep internalized homophobia, people easily dismiss queer behavior in media as platonic actions.

How many times have I seen people assess that two people of opposite genders in an anime are in love only because they looked at each other once (take Ponzu and Pokkle for example). Or because they held hands. Our society is so quick to romanticize interactions between two people of different genders, but fail to do the same when it’s same-gender pairings.

Straight people hand holding, kissing, blushing around each other, admitting their love out loud, looking at each other’s eyes deeply are immediately categorized as in love. But when it’s people of the same gender, people immediately say “it can be platonic”. And whether you’re aware of it or not, that’s internalized homophobia.

That’s why it’s infuriating to see people dismiss the subtext that Togashi has tried SO HARD to plant throughout his story. Because it’s there, and if Killua was a girl, there’d be way less people opposed to a romantic reading of their relationship. Because it’d be widely accepted that Togashi is writing them as a developing couple, no questions asked.

Which brings me to my final point (promise, I’ll stop ranting after this). Sadly, the voices of the people who assert a platonic reading of a relationship are often louder than the voices of queer people who identify with the work. When confronted with an ambiguous relationship between a same-gender pairing, people unconsciously tend to choose a platonic reading of the relationship. Which is harmful to the queer community, because the voices of the queer people who identify with the work are silenced.

In conclusion, yes, representations of deep platonic friendships without toxic masculinity are good, and very much encouraged. We’ve just had a shitton of those over the years, and queer people are craving for proper representation. Togashi is deeply invested in positive queer representation, has planted a lot of conscious subtext in HxH, and he’s the one author that would NOT queerbait. So people being insistent that Killua is pretty much canonically gay, and that it’s likely that Killugon will be a romantic pairing is not for the sake of mindless shipping. It’s because there are a lot of reasons to believe that this is Togashi’s intention.

And like I said, sadly, people insisting on a platonic reading of their relationship is unintentionally harmful to the queer community, because people are so quick to dismiss elements that make queer people identify with the work as platonic behavior, dismissing queer people as “wishful shippers”.

There are plenty of reasons to believe that HxH is queer work, and while platonic readings of killugon’s relationship are valid, it sucks that it’s become overbearing in the anime community, to the point where outside of tumblr, people literally bully you for thinking that there’s a possibility Killua might be gay and in love with Gon. (trust me, i’ve faced a lot of people saying that it’s disgusting to label killua as gay)

So yes ! Killugon can be read as platonic. The queer community is just very adamant about people not dismissing Togashi’s subtext because HxH is the healthy, positive representation we need. It’s a beautiful piece of work that has the full potential (and who is most likely headed this way) to display a healthy, loving, positive canon gay relationship between two of its main characters.

Showing that a shounen battle manga can feature a canon gay relationship, showing that you can be young and gay and what you thought was best friend behavior was maybe romantic and that it’s okay because feelings change and are hard to figure out especially when you’re young and queer !!

And most importantly showing that unlike every portrayal of deep male best friends relationships in shounen anime that turn out to be painted as purely platonic, sometimes behaviors that queer people identify with ARE queer behavior, and not just platonic love, but romantic, homosexual love.

#ask #killugon #meta #my meta #sorry this was literally me rambling HAHAHAA #this isnt against u specifically just a general statement #bc im very passionate about people not dismissing togashis subtext #and very passionate about queer rep

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ronnytherandom · 3 years

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I forgot to watch content all week so i wrote about games ive been playing

9/2/2021: The Truman Show

You should fear your fears but embrace them and use them to guide you into the unknown, to explore and experience what life has to offer. Fear stands between you and the fullest experience of life so you must pass through it to better yourself. Heed not the walls built about you and the chains made to hold you. Though the architects insist it will preserve your life, containment is anathema to life. Do not take in faith the benevolence of powers that be; instead trust those who would support and liberate you, guide you through fear and into life.

As best I can lay it out, I think this is the philosophy of the Truman show but there is so much more to read into it also. There is critique of systems of commodification and celebrity (i.e. capitalism) reducing human beings to a consumable good as well as encouragement to find and pursue your goals despite adversity and even sensibility which is also tied to the illusion of economic responsibility. You can’t put a camera inside a human head, you can never “know” them without being an active and intrinsic part of their life, but also there is need for reciprocation. If one half exists with ulterior motive then the entire relationship is rotten; sincere humanity is what creates real connections. Without such your world is fake. A world built around one person is a world where no one can truly live. All these actors have given up basically their entire lives for the sake of watching Truman have his life built around him by outside forces, have allowed themselves to be commodified and dehumanised for the good of one man, Christoph. The man at the top has delusions of grandeur and thinks only of his own bottom line, he cares not for his subjects but simply wants them to do as he tells them because it benefits him to commodify their lives and interactions. Even then he cannot stand to lose control and in seeking to demonstrate Truman’s “realness” he structures his life so thoroughly that eventually there’s no reality left, only a script and adverts. But the people watching still empathise with Truman because everyone in the working class understands what it is to be trapped because real life is our own Truman show and one day we must all pass through fear, step out of the dome and create a real life for ourselves outside of the system of commodification which consumes everyone’s life and removes all realness and sincerity and emotional catharsis from it.

I unreservedly love this film.

14/2/2021: Assorted Game Reviews

Horizon Zero Dawn (Unfinished due to technical issues, 45 hours inc. parts of Frozen Wilds): This game is really cool and really fun. I think it is defined by its incredible setting which somehow creates a fresh feeling post-apocalyptic environment. Said environment creates intriguing alt-future lore and some very interesting environments to explore. I love the machine designs (especially tallnecks!) and was very sad to hear one of their contributing artists passed away recently but I’m glad their work lives on in this visually stunning game. I’m a sucker for Ubisoft-style open world games simply because it tickles a certain kind of itch and somehow this non-Ubisoft game has outdone Ubisoft on their own formula, which is hilarious, but also good for me as running around this world exploring and clearing map markers is engaging fun. Not least because of the combat. I have a minor criticism here that the combat feels slightly awkward on mouse and keyboard, the arrows never seem to go where I’m aiming, but aside from that the experience of fighting is a grand one. Enemies never lose their threat and I love the weak spot system the game employs which makes every tool useful in niche circumstance and rewards curiosity. It specifically manages this in a way that I feel the Witcher series could learn from if it ever returns; by making head on assault less viable and encouraging tactical hunting. I do feel this system makes hunting robots so fun that by contrast hunting humans becomes a chore however, though I noted this improves in the dlc with the addition of humans with elemental weaknesses limited in number as they are. I cannot speak for the story in entirety but what I encountered was pretty good, though I feel as if it was only just really getting going at the point where I could not continue. I find Aloy to be a compelling and well portrayed protagonist and though I can guess about her origin and the ultimate end of the alt-future apocalypse I still want to see how it plays out on screen, so will return to this as soon as I’ve fixed it.

Rimworld (122 hours. Familiar with but do not own Royalty Expansion):

Rimworld is one of those super special games that I don’t think I have a single problem with. Fair warning it can be brutal and is heavily dependent on RNG but this allows it to create truly unique and interesting scenarios on a constant basis. In the wider perspective it could be described as formulaic, with regular cycles of managing the settlement between raids and random events, but the devils in the details. Colonist traits, health and skills dictate how you play and sometimes you’ll be forced to adapt as some colonists simply refuse to perform some tasks. The depth of health particularly amuses me, in that each little part of someone’s body is modelled in a way. If you’re in a firefight you may take a single bullet which grazes your finger and you’re fine. Alternately it could pierce your human leather cowboy hat, your skull and kill you instantly and the game will tell you exactly what happened. The risk/reward element is addictive enough, and that’s without accounting for just how cool it is to see your colony slowly expand. Establishing more and more options for crafting is fun and shows off the full range of different items in the game which is fucking extensive. Between clothing, weapons, armour, sculpture and drugs to name only a few you have the opportunity to create many varied production lines either for your colonists or to trade for money and there is a lot of fun to be had here as well as it is quite satisfying to see psychoid you have grown personally become the cocaine your colonists snort to help them stay awake on limited sleep. From an archaeologist’s perspective it is especially cool to look back over your base and see the hints of how and why structures were built and remember the history of your limitations and development through structure. I think the lore of the universe is really cool too, a very 40k-esque kind of place except with far less order, somehow. But the universe does an excellent job of feeling alive and moving constantly on both a planetary and interstellar level. You can fully believe that while you build wooden shacks to shield yourself from terrifyingly low temperatures there are simultaneously rich pieces of shit living it up on the glitterworld that’s one system over. The music does an excellent job of creating the wild west frontier atmosphere the game cultivates to great effect. Ultimately, for just being a grid with a series of different numbers attached, this game does a fantastic job of creating a compelling, brutal and very real colony management experience. I dont think I can properly put into words the grandness and scope of this one. I didnt even mention the modding scene, which is expansive and tailors to basically any need you could have. The Rim is a terrifying place but theres so much fun to be had.

Factorio (86 hours, mostly 1.1): Having completed a game of Factorio I can tell you reliably that this is one of the best games ever made, thoroughly addictive and fun. If you like numbers, logistics, TRAINS, its gonna be your thing. Not to mention its probably the only documented case of a game with no bugs (so far as official forums are concerned). Strictly speaking this games combat is not the most engrossing thing but good lord do you feel it when you acquire a flamethrower. The way each aspect of the game (production, research, logistics, combat, upgrades for everything therein) feeds into the next is a really well constructed balancing act such that you must experience the full game in order to complete it and I always appreciate this kind of design. I think its one of the best tenets of factory game design especially as its something present in Satisfactory too. Beyond all of this generalised good the game is also excellent in its intricacies, the architecture necessary to build a maximum efficiency base, the level of planning and organisation that can be employed is mind-blowing. Not to mention the mod community, factorion is already an extensive experience and some mad bastards have seen fit to complicate it further, hats off to them. This really is a great moment in gaming.

Destiny 2 (198 hours, all expansions, played some post Forsaken release, mostly Season of Arrivals onwards, spent roughly £20 on microtransactions):

This is a very interesting and enjoyable experience, but I must say it can be a bit controversial at times. What its does particularly well is moment to moment gameplay and design in all aspects. The game is stunning; between environments, cosmetics, shaders ships and ghosts there’s a vast range of incredible things to see, all rooted in the “pseudo-magi-science” aesthetic it’s got going on. The class design is excellent and you really do feel like you embody this rampaging madman / agile gunman / space wizard archetype, whichever you choose to play. The abilities, especially supers, are very satisfying. Everything has heft and power behind it which can be felt in all aspects of design; sound and animation is top notch. Movement is cool, you can feel how fast you move both on foot and in vehicles and the navigation has a little fun subtlety depending on your class jump, even if you can bounce unpredictably occasionally. But for the love of god why is the wall kick in there? It has only ever served to push me from a ledge into a bottomless pit. You're looking to remove antiquated content? Start there. Some guns are not so good to shoot but there’s such a great range of guns that are fun its like complaining about one drop in an ocean; and enemies are fun to shoot at, each faction distinct in meaningful ways and presenting an effective challenge. Speaking of oceans, that’s one way to describe the lore. I haven’t dived too deep but it keeps going down forever and everything I’ve read is intriguing. As a former Elder Scrolls lore nut this is something I could definitely sink my teeth into, though its much more of a pulpy sci-fi vibe than a pure nonsense vibe. I do think the game has a bit of a loot problem, primarily in regards to the conflict between high stats and looking good. This should never be a conflict, and yes you can apply ornaments to any purple gear but that’s not enough when I spend the entire time grinding power levels and thus must change armour and weapons on a constant basis to progress. This game needs a true transmog system and if not that, rethink how gear power level works. Perhaps rather than earning new instances of gear you always possess a version of it and the loot you acquire in missions just upgrades your instance to your current overall power level? This would serve to do away with the current upgrade system which I think is a needless additional grind. Perhaps it could be retained in using enhancement cores to empower gear as present but necessitating a whole upgrade module to keep your favourite weapon on hand is kind of painful honestly. There is also at present the issue of sunsetting gear, mildly controversial to say the least. If it’s necessary to streamline the game and make it function moving forward so be it but surely loot pools should be adjusted so you can actually get useful loot from older locations? And why sunset personal instances of gear which can be acquired at the regular power level anyway? I had to throw away my favourite bow and hunt down a new version of the exact same weapon for… what reason? I do think destination navigation leaves a little to be desired also. I get that having a physical hub world is meaningful but Destiny does not have a very extroverted community; I can count the times someone noticed me in the tower on one hand. And its not even like there’s fun activities to be found in the same sense as say Deep Rock Galactic, which really does take advantage of its hub. Perhaps for players who simply want to go about their business all of the vendors could be set into a menu system where just clicking an icon takes you to their menu from anywhere in the system rather than, per se, having to go through an entire loading screen (Which takes you to orbit and back) to reach a location which serves simply as the front for four menus. These are established player problems. As a dedicated PvE player I can say that this game is immensely fun in combat and growing in power does feel really good. It’s something I recommend getting into, there’s just some very large creases that need ironing which the Bungie should really take the time to address rather than pushing out new in game content every three months.

#the truman show #horizon zero dawn #rimworld #factorio #destiny 2 #d2 #film #movies #video games #i dont know what im doing #hzd #opinion

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feisties · 3 years

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D (any of your NHIE fics), F, H, I, M, S, T, U, W, X, Y?

anon. you spoil me

D: Is there a song or a playlist to associate with [insert fic]?

soooo i will normally put together a 3-4 song playlist and listen to that on repeat when i write any given fic. for before the moment’s gone i listened almost solely to no.1 party anthem by arctic monkeys, dancing with your ghost by sasha sloan, and stay together by noah cyrus. if u have any other specific fic ur interested in knowing abt i will gladly talk at length abt the process in writing it LOL

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

im a particularly fond of the dialogue i wrote for senior superlatives, because i personally think it’s the most successful attempt i’ve had at being funny and biting and tender all at once. i feel like i peaked with that fic. it’s still my favorite i’ve ever written.

H: How would you describe your style?

i genuinely have no clue!! i guess if there were a spectrum between dialogue-heavy and description-heavy, my writing would lean more toward the former. other descriptors i would use are words like direct/earnest/self conscious/wry/heavy usage of the word “like”/even heavier usage of both run on sentences and fragments

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

i would have one but i don’t ever feel guilty. check out my bookmarks for non guilty pleasure delight

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

like....yes. ive been thinking about a summer camp AU for a long long long time.... will probably write it for ben/devi and eleanor/paxton but who knows i might wanna mix things around a bit and fuck around with some different rare pairs :) lowkey waiting on s2 to give me some good content and new characters to play with

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

the enemies to lovers trope... obviously.

i am a particular fan of AUs and i absolutely adore the “jaded high school reunions” au and the “frequent hookups to oh-no-i-think-i’m-in-love-with-you-oops” au. i also am a fan of crack fic just by virtue of being obsessed with rare pairs

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

this isn’t necessarily a trope but it bothers me to read fic about ben and devi getting together right after s1 when it isn’t well developed. for me it usually demonstrates a lack of understanding of how both characters would process their budding relationship (platonic and romantic!) and usually reads as extremely cheesy and forced. however I am also not usually a person who enjoys reading fic set in canon..... so.

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

here is a list of my favorite fic writers in general (complete with rationale and how they inspire me) but for nhie im gonna highlight a couple of my friends, who also happen to be extremely talented writers!

if you read any nhie fic at ALL you’ve probably read something by magnetichearts and for good fucking reason bc she manages to write some of the best ben/devi content out there. her work is so sweet and funny and angsty and smutty and she waxes poetic like no one’s business. check out her work on ao3 and tumblr for a great time

flashlightinacave has some of the best, fluffiest ben/devi content. if you love yourself and/or love feeling Good Feelings from reading fic, please please please check her out! she’s an absolute beast when it comes to heart-wrenching scientific metaphors and vivid descriptions. you can find her work on her ao3 and tumblr

cori_the_bloody is such a gifted writer who produces fantastic fic that always makes me actually laugh out loud. her writing is so sharp and smart and always captures just the right amount of awkward-sweetness and i have yet to meet anyone who can capture the earnest kind of self consciousness and embarrassment and tenderness that she does in her ben/devi fic. her work is on her ao3 and she also writes incredible analysis abt nhie on her tumblr

one of my favorite, most underrated authors in the fandom is peterpan_in_neverland and she deserves all the attention and kudos for writing some of the BEST eleanor/paxton fic in the game. that pairing tag is basically her tag. i love the way she writes dialogue and her fics are fabulous reads for anyone who loves good writing and horny content ;) here’s her ao3 and tumblr

etc etc etc! i love every writer in the fandom tbh

X: A character you enjoy making suffer.

hmmmmmmmmm i think devi. i dont actually like seeing her suffer but i think she’s the most fun/difficult to write when she’s tortured? she has such a loud personality and balancing that with her more introspective, reflective side is a challenge but always satisfying to write.

Y: A character you want to protect.

eleanor. at all costs.

#Anonymous #answered #so sorry i put this out so late #but this was so much fun to answer #writing*

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avpdpunpun · 5 years

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i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm.

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores.

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

#text #update #mostly tagging this for myself to read later if i ever start blogging frequently again

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beverlyr0ad · 6 years

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crimes of grindelwald thoughts

alright obvious spoilers not that it matters bc i have one follower lmao but !! i need somewhere to scream abt this movie

first of all i love jacob and newt so much. best parts of this movie honestly i love them and i want them to be happy

but to be fair i actually rlly rlly enjoyed watching this movie!! like,, there are a looot of things i dont understand about it and i have no idea how they happened or why theyre happening but thats Okay i would still recommend everyone watch it! its so good!!!

good things:

- grindelwald !! i mean,, no hes not a good thing but i really liked how they wrote his character. like i can UNDERSTAND the power he has over people and how hes manipulating them. hes really not just a Voldemort 2.0 and i respect that a lot bc thats not what an entirely different villain should be like. but casting issues and all aside i really liked this

- i also liked the interaction between leta lestrange and dumbledore that was some good stuff and the actors were rlly good too !!! - i like the direction queenie is going in. i mean i dont actually of course but it seems realistic and i think its important and its good character development n stuff so hhh hope that works out later tho !! i am Suspense

- jacob walked into that movie and i was like !!!!!!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDD i love him so much and it was rlly nice to see him back even if i dont think it was that neat to have him lose his memory of everything that happened for significance and in this movie have everything go like WHOOMP hes back but i uhhhh loved it anyway so this is not a complaint its a good thing - i still loved newt and having a good main character makes the whole movie a better watch in general. ive seen sequels where i just Cant get attatched to the new characters but wow i didnt really have much of a problem with that here

- it was also never boring and i really just loved n enjoyed this movie a lot!!! okay hhh bad things/things that i personally disliked:

- ive seen different opinions on this but??? what was that blood pact????? what are u doing??????????????? i cant even be coherent properly so here are the main reasons that was rlly dumb

1- w-who does that in a romantic relationship ever :o and yes jkr has literally said dumbledore n grindelwald were in LOVE HELLO feel free to correct me if im wrong on anything but if ur gonna say it u should show it,,,, Continuity Please. anyway separate issue but if u love someone youre not gonna be like “hey lets make SURE we dont fight each other ever” because youll trust that the other person?? isnt gonna fight u???!!!???? im

2- thats literally not the reason he “cannot move against grindelwald” okay like it shouldnt be. this conversation literally happens in dh and dumbledore says he was scared of facing what rlly happened when ariana died!! there was no actual physical thing stopping him!!! the only acceptable justification is that he doesnt want to face this ghosts of his past and that moment and he is SCARED okay so COME ON give dumbledore his faults! hes scared of his past and that IS the reason!!

3- wait how did grindelwald, aberforth, and albus fight if they had already entered a blood pact. like i dont think albus would aim for his own brother EVER but could he even attack grindelwald if they had a blood pact?? not sure how this works lol but who was he aiming for then??? just firing everywhere randomly without intention cause that sounds,,, significantly harder to believe and makes that scene loads messier esp if grindelwald couldnt aim for albus either so

4- the blood pact was so frickin unnecessary im sobbing. like there was the scene where its all like “oh some say you were as close as brothers” and dumbledore is like “oh we were closer than brothers...” and im like OK! the little scene in the air doesnt explicitly reveal anything either so thats ok but the closer than brothers line was rlly revealing for me. at least for like two minutes and then dumbledore looked in the mirror and saw himself making a blood pact w grindelwald. like ok is That what u meant by closer than brothers bc thats what everythings pointing to but it shouldnt be and i.............ugh

5- im honestly just kind of hhhhhhhhhhhh. i can concede that the blood pact might be significant in later films and i look forward to watching them! but. at the same time i. wish that if you were going to say dumbledore was gay it would actually be explicitly referenced in the movie, instead of dancing around that and dropping it in hints and pieces that fans of the series who know this information will understand and others can just dismiss as friendship! there were So Many good places in this movie to include this fact (altho feel free to disagree w me haha) and i think that not including this fact was honestly tiring.

- nagini...........obv this isnt a huge problem bc idk where her story will go next n it might develop n become important but as of rn, i have no idea what her role in this movie is. i wonder if her reappearance in the harry potter series will actually be of significance and if itll be explained how she will end up under servitude to voldemort bc i genuinely dont understand right now. it just seems like a cameo to draw attention in the trailer ghgdjh

- leta lestrange’s death didnt feel right or impactful and im sad . definitely a huge opinion here but it felt like a mandatory character snuff to make the movie sad and ghdsjgfh oh well :(

- little continuity issues?? dumbledore being DADA professor instead of transfiguration bc Boggarts Are Important For Foreshadowing. also how is mcgonagall an adult or actually how is she even alive and um of course the fact that this movie doesnt confirm what jkr has said about dumbledore and grindelwald beforehand.

- im actually going to totally repeat myself bc this deserves a separate point umm why arent dumbledore and grindelwald actually shown as in love with each other as young men. its completely relevant to the movie and its not hard to put it in there instead of the bLOOD PACT (ask anyone irl ive been screaming abt the blood pact ever since i came out of that movie). anyway i know david yates said he wouldnt be including that as part of the movie as fans are aware of that aNyway but its not that hard to understand. people are asking for actual representation?? not smt vague??? because this is just here to Please People. if u refuse to see this ship, ure just gonna see them as having a friendship! maybe u havent heard about what jkr said or maybe ure choosing to ignore it bc,, idk that says smt about u, or maybe another reason idk! but if u go into this knowing they were In Love and hoping to see confirmation of dumbledore being canonically gay, youre going to hear that “oh, we were more than brothers” line and be like oh yeah we been knew, or more seriously like hey! maybe we’re getting a canon confirmation, not just floaty young people leaning towards each other! like when he looked in the mirror i was like okay This Is It this is gna be confirmation but then it wasnt oop. it was the !!! bloooood paaact !!! which means that people could interpret the “closer than brothers” line as meaning oh we done did a blood pact that means we blood related look at us go! Wow! so this is basically just a half azzed attempt at pleasing people w stereotypical viewpoints and people happy to see representation. hmmmmmmmmmm.. (psst if u actually ship older dumbledore n grindelwald tho What Are You Doing Stop !! thats not a healthy relationship, grindelwald is an awful person and dumbledore deserves to grow from the person he was before!!! he deserves so much better!!! im not saying to ship them but im saying that if we’re gonna say they were in love as young men and if we are going to confirm that dumbledore is gay well,,, lets put that in canon pls!!!! we need canon representation but we dont need to pretend this ship is healthy or good bc its representation either. this isnt shipping this is asking to acknowledge that dumbledore was gay and in love with grindelwald and its confirmed that grindelwald was in love with him too. in the place the story of tcog is now, that relationship is not ever going to happen again and if u actually think it is ure suffering from some next-level delusion. just be definitive and acknowledge that your characters are LGBT tho pls!! u said they were!!! actually i would be so much happier to see a Happy And Healthy LGBT Pairing can we have that? please?)

- big spoiler but hOW IS CREDENCE ALBUS’ BROTHER WHAT IS HAPPENING DKFJDKSH i need to separate my thoughts again

1- AGE DIFFERENCE........apparently dumbledore is like 46 in this movie right?? credence doesnt look over 20. okay percival dumbledore is put in azkaban before albus starts school right?? so the maximum age albus can be is 11. now im gonna say that kendra was not having any more kids w anyone else after that incident fs so the oldest albus can be when ariana is born is 12, leaving room for some other stuff okay. ALBUS AND CREDENCE DONT LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE A 12 YEAR AGE GAP WHAT IS HAPPENINF

2- i saw people theorizing that credence is ariana’s son and NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO PLS NO

3- not an actual issue but i thought grindelwald said his name was berrylius dumbledore which i later remembered as berrylium dumbledore and anyway thank god for the internet

4- okay at this point i cant tell if this has just been brought in for shock value or smt like. is this relevant to the plot. is grindelwald even telling the truth. w-why did the movie end there. help....... i think thats it but i do want to say that i respect the rights of the creator jkr to do whatever she wants w these characters. its her world! but i can have a whole bunch of opinions n feelings about this movie and still support it. after all, i love harry potter and the whole wizarding world w my whole heart.

did anyone even read that LOOOL that was so long sorry

#feel free to disagree w me tho #im completely open to hear other opinions #and mine are subject to change anyway #i used so much !!!!! in this sorry #crimes of grindelwald #harry potter #hp #fbawtft #fantastic beasts #tcog #tcog spoilers #crimes of grindelwald spoilers #spoilers #hp spoilers #fantastic beasts spoilers #tcog opinions #crimes of grindelwald opinions

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pulchrasilva · 2 years

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Have *I* Grown?

i know im a bit late, but after the latest sanders sides episode celebrating how far the show has come, I figured there was no better time to celebrate how far i, as an individual have come thanks to this fandom

i first started watching sanders sides somewhere between DWIT and ATHD being released and was sucked in pretty immediately (this was about 2 years ago, since that was when i joined ao3 - it feels like much longer than that). while id become invested in shows and books before, it was when i discovered sanders sides fanfiction that i really started taking part in fandom in any major way

the characters and the plot mean so much to me. they’ve been there through my best days and helped me through my worst, ESPECIALLY through the pandemic. i cant tell you how many times i’ll quote the series, or use advice in the show to help guide myself or my friends. truly, a huge part of my development to where i am now is in large part due to sanders sides

but ultimately, it was the community that really got me as invested as i am now. dont get me wrong, this fandom is not perfect, but that doesnt mean that it cant also be a wonderful place a lot of the time. there are people on this site who i would now (tentatively) call friends, who i only know thanks to sanders sides. ive found people irl (both fanders and not) who are willing to talk to me about this interest of mine. there are people who i consider massive inspirations to myself and my writing, who most people in the wider world dont even know, who i would never have heard about if it wasnt for the fantastic coincidence of us both enjoying the same content at similar times. i cant even imagine not having these people in my life. even those people who just leave a single comment on one of my works mean so so much to me (as in, i read the comments when im having a bad day and the world immediately feels so much brighter)

and then theres how my creativity and skills have developed too. the main example would be writing: the first fic that i ever wrote was Remus Fights the Dragon Witch, which... while i love it, i can definitely see a vast improvement in my writing since then, particularly in dialogue, which i’ve always found a challenge. also i now use actual titles for my work. i now have a better understanding of my own style, and what i want to write. That first fic was (at least, supposed to be) a comedy, and it was mostly action-based. now my fics are usually angsty hurt/comfort with a focus on character relationships. (not sure if that one is a reflection of a shift in myself or in how the series is going tbh lol). the favourite fic of mine that ive written so far is Arachne, which i love with all my heart. i think it really demonstrates my skill now, which, while i sometimes struggle to recognise it, is pretty damn good i think.

and ive recently been branching out into other mediums too - the first piece of art that i made for myself in a long time was of Virgil, and ive been considering creating (and maybe posting) some more art in the future. this doesnt sound like much, but ive struggled a lot with insecurities about my drawings in the past, so this is a massive step for me. ive started doing a little bit of cosplay, even, and so far have a full remus one which i wore for halloween and the start of a janus one. plus, ive been branching out a little into other fandoms too, and while sanders sides will probably stay as my comfort zone, its definitely nice to dabble my toes outside of it a bit more.

it can be difficult at times, but we should all take some time to just be proud of ourselves sometimes, it can really make a world of difference. idk how many people will see this, but fellow fanders, i encourage you to recognise your achievements too!! you can go ahead and add them under this post, or make your own! or just do it privately in your own mind if you’d prefer - lets just spread some positivity! even if its just me who uses this opportunity for self-love, i still think thats meaningful. nobody’s perfect, but we’re always growing and changing, and we should all remember that <3

#sanders sides #positivity #long post #fanders #sanders sides anniversary #self affirmation

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radiantbeams · 7 years

Note

whats your fav fanfic ma 👀

ic ant beliVE ur making mE CHOOSE

also whoa this list got away from me

here are my top 10 ~personal~ favorites with a description why they’re so amazing (mostly just me yelling)

bc im horrible person i ordered them by how much i love them plus the last three that aren’t larry

through struggles, to the stars by thedeathchamber - 80K

Star Trek AU okay need I say more?? (im gonna) I LOVE the character development in this fic okay it’s already pretty long but please I need at least 100K more in this universe, star trek was my first love and like wow my two favorite things combined? brilliant! excellent writing and i especially loved how Louis was portrayed

above your head by deadspy - 57K

so I think now we’ve established I fucking love space, I’m also a HUGE fan of NASA (I lowkey am looking at buying a house there in Cape Canaveral) some of the science is off but lol i understand why they wrote it like that and you’d never even know unless you spend most of your free time researching space travel (like I do) the slow burn hurts my heart but in like the best of ways

Cutie and the Boxer by anomalation - 37K trigger warnings for past child abuse, past sexual abuse, ptsd, anxiety attacks

wow okay SO I have a lot a lot to say about this one, there are 2 parts but it’ll never be enough ! amazing asexual representation, beautifully written characters, Louis in this fic is everything I hope to have in a partner one day tbh, I’m always looking for more asexual characters in fics (also everywhere) but I really don’t think I’ll ever top this one I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve probably re-read it at least 5 times since I found it

Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose by certainsadness - 103K

I dont know ??? how to explain ??? how much i love this fic !!! after reading this I became a fake art historian also I think I’ve seen a john singer sargent in person but I’ve gone to so many stupid art exhibits with my parents it all kind of blends together rich people probs ANYWAY this fic is as beautiful as the painting it’s named after, excellent characterization, limited angst (enough to make it interesting but not too much that my heart hurts), and lots of hoity-toity art references

Like Candy In My Veins by littlelouishiccups - 31K

petition for part 2 !!!! it’s A/B/O which I know some people don’t read but TRUST me you have /got/ to read this one, the alpha/omega thing isn’t even that big of a deal? maybe kind of, but it’s written in such a wonderful way that it doesn’t feel forced like it sometimes can, also: power bottom louis what more do you want? (also, anon, this is the fic i was talking about reading when you asked me for this rec)

Haven by xxPayne - 35K

so I talk about this fic a lot bc it’s actually relatively accurate as far as BDSM relationships/clubs go (yes, I’ve been to some, and yes, I’ve been trained by a Dom, so i know what I’m talking about lol) the sex is kinky but (obviously bc it’s 35K) it’s like porn ~~with feelings~~ i love it and tbh after this I’m probably going to re-read it again (and again)

The King of Spades by hazmesentir - 109K

this fic had ALL of my favorite things okay, rugged Manly Man™ louis, misguided oc kid that louis identifies with and mentors, damsel in distress harry, guns, violence, tattoos. i mean it’s Gay Mafia?? does it get any better than that?? no. no it does not.

the next three aren’t larry so like FYI

The Stars Above Us by 606, create_serenity(Sivany) - Drarry, 19K

surprise surprise another fic about space, and it’s a kidfic (I mean, Teddy’s in it so not ~really~ but) i would rec this to anyone and everyone and i may be biased bc i fucking love harry potter but even if you dont read drarry this one’s worth reading. you’ve got sad draco and thick-headed harry aka perfection

He Who Must Not Be Normal by lettered - Drarry, 40K

so ive read a lot of drarry fics okay and coming across one where /draco/ is the one rescuing harry is pretty rare, but i LOVE it and this fic portrays them both so beautifully, idk i just really love this fic it’s very close to my heart and ive read it many many times

Love and the Purple Palace by takhallus - Tomlinshaw, 23K

this was one of my first tomlinshaw fics i read and like, nothing will ever compare. their relationship in this fic is perfect and unique and youve got a lot of miscommunication and stubbornness (a defining factor for any good tomlinshaw fic) plus bottom louis plus a relatable quality to it that i cant find anywhere else

so this was about a week late SORRY but thank you for asking this is way more than you probably wanted but seriously, go read all these fics sorry some of them are pretty long

lmk if there are any discrepancies or any of the links dont work please :)

as usual, if your fic is on here and you would prefer me not to rec it just message me (with proof you are the author) and i’ll gladly remove it from this list

if you have any favorite fics feel free to rec them to me im always looking for new ones to read!

also stay on the lookout for my famous/non-famous au rec coming soon :)

#anonymous #answered #larry ficrec #ficrec #my recs #shit whats my rec tag i always forget #my ficrec #larry stylinson #tomlinshaw #drarry #drarry ficrec #larry stylinson fic rec #fic rec

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d-erica · 4 years

Text

worth living

Life is as beautiful as you can possibly make it out to be.Life is very much taken for granted. But everyones perspective is different. We can deny it as much as we want, but the ugly truth is that at some point almost everyone has sat in their bed in complete darkness and hoped and prayed for a better or just in general a different life. But we didnt magically get that now did we? No. This post is primarily my past perspective on life. I dont know if anyone else has felt or at least thought in this same way, but this is my input. Now I am not going to sit here and write lies saying that my life was consistent of good or of bad. Childhood was really weird and awkward for me. My memory has blocked alot of those earlier days out primarily because I never learned the basics of being in touch with my emotions so yes in elementary i had bestfriends, but what everyone else felt it seemed kind of impossible and foreign to me. I didnt understand the meaning of hugs and of saying the words ‘’ I love you’’. Saying the word ‘’bye’’ always rubbed me off the wrong way because I knew at a young age that when i said that word to my dad before he was stationed overseas in the air force that that potentionally could be the last time that Id be considered ‘’daddys little girl’’. I knew too soon that things couldnt be perfect forever so I already started putting up a wall trying to protect myself from any harm or abandonment. I grew up with the same routine all the way up to high school avoiding certain interactions and any type of physical affection. I came off as nonchalant or as alot of people would refer to me as ‘’emotionless’’. I knew for a fact that I had emotions and some type of heart deep down inside of me somewhere. My comedy made up for the missing aspects of me i guess. At least for awhile. Fast forward to sophmore year of high school. Something in me changed, it was like a switch. Sixteen years of built up anger, disgust, sadness all came and took control over my entire mind,body,and soul. The funny, lively side of me people once loved changed, people saw the drastic change. I knew they knew something was wrong, and alot of people tried their best to uplift me but no matter what they said. I was still me, I was still the only one in my head. I made myself think and feel like I was all in this alone and that i couldnt get pulled out of this rut. I was just so bitter to the world, just so over basically everything. For someone who used to cry twice a year, i started to cry like five times a day everyday of each month in that time frame. These feelings went on for such a long time that I started to hate myself for me being so uncontrollably sad and weak all of the time. My grades in school went down and down. My family life was at the peak of being the worse thing Ive ever had to see. I think i was just overall disgusted with the way I allowed myself to bury myself in my bed and my feelings without seeking or reaching out for help. During the time frame, I lost all ability or energy to go to school, sleep at night causing my extreme insomnia even now to this day, perform my best at my job, be happy in public settings with friends, leave my room to show my face to my family, and mainly stopped eating and drinking appropriately, I lost like fifty pounds just during the time of being so numb and hopeless. My bones became brittle so I could sometimes barely stand without feeling like falling over. This basically just gave people bigger and stronger than me the green light to sexually abuse and psychically abuse me. Everyday it seemed like another thing to break me. Months went by and I just grew tired. Absolutely tired, exhausted, literally depression won over and over again. My mind shifted from feeling utterly lonely to developing to mental nightmares. No matter how much trauma Ive witnessed or been through, my thoughts are what ruined me, No one else did that to me. Only thing that went through my head was how and what was the easiest way i could possibly die, I didnt want this life. Obviously the odds werent in my favor. Obviously I was a lost cause because no matter what loved ones said or did it didnt stick with me throughout my whole day. Therapy didnt help probalby because I sat there stubborn for two hours with blank eyes, they offered prescriptions that seemed like placebo. ‘’ Here take this when you wake up every morning so you can start off with a clear mind.’’ Yall know how hard it is to look in the face of a therapist you had since seventh grade and hold back the words ‘’ Mrs. Witherspoon I dont plan on waking up in the morning, Im really tired you know.’’ I never told her that and couldnt bring myself to say ‘’bye’ because it brought me back to childhood where I knew itd be the last time. I wrote my notes to individual people. I knew what action I was going to take that night to finally put things and myself to rest. I was on the edge of putting myself at peace then like in a split second difference I got a ft call that I didnt answer. Seeing the name of the person made me stop in my tracks though and something told me to check my messages and look at the previous loving paragraphs Ive ever gotten. I just could not continue. I knew the people in my life didnt deserve the heartache and confusion that would be left after my self afflicted passing. I burned the handwritten goodbye notes and went to sleep . I vowed that I wouldnt put myself in that situation ever again. Yes, things in my life didnt magically improve but I did try to look at things in a different manner. Months went past and I wasnt in as a bad place anymore, but I just wasnt fit for some relationships anymore because it was just unfair to give half of me all the time when people did nothing but give me love and sense of patience all the time. I guess there was alot of pressure to be perfect and it sort of started messing with my mind seeing everyone happy and wondering why Im not i guess. People definitely deserve better than what I ever had to offer, I wish nothing but the best for anyone who has stuck with me in the times around a year ago. Fast forward it is the middle of senior year and I am really happy right now. Ive gained alittle weight, I feel beautiful in my own skin, my grades are so muc better. I should get at least three to four cords at graduation from my honor society clubs here this upcoming spring .Isolating myself in a positive way and letting go of bad situations and coping mechanisms was the best decision I have done. Lately Ive been taking one day at a time. This transformation definitely wasnt overnight, it was like a two year process. Even though some things from those times are still hard to think about, im forever grateful for the hardships and obstacles. Life experiences definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am now, I was kind of mature before everything but this definitely pushed me to see clearly and handle things with more thought and overall process of how and when to react. I used to pray that I could have a diiferent life and even though this is not exactly what I meant, It is still really good at the moment. Ive reconnected with some people from the past, and Ive also attracted more people recently who have come my bestfriends, Things do look up eventually. Life is truly what YOU make it.

#selfworth #recovery #mystory

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kaedekayano · 7 years

Note

001; Kanzaki and Kayano. 002: Gakushuu Asano

oh boy i’m abt to get so excited and emotional fuck adkaldjahdhdjsd

kanzaki/kayano

when I started shipping it if I did: i don’t remember tbh. i always lowkey shipped it haha, but i don’t think i really realised it until @wassailtofivehundred was like !! yukikae !! and also i saw cute fanart and i rewatched a couple episodes (kyoto trip ehh) and i was like, fuck i really ship this. also a lot of it was b/c around december (the time i published be your own hero) i started liking kayano a lot more and then that made me salty bc nagisa/kayano was so poorly written and an injustice to her character. she deserved a person who she had actual chemistry with, and i think kanzaki is definitely that person (or one of them).

my thoughts: pure!! good!! beautiful and amazing!! i love it!! so much!! i’m working on a v v long yukikae kayano-POV fic right now and i’m excited to show it to y’all b/c i have trouble expressing how much/why i love characters/ships until i have a fic to support it, haha. but anyway i think kanzaki is really good for kayano b/c she’s so understanding and caring, and kayano is good for kanzaki because — look they just care so much abt each other okay they’re so Good.

What makes me happy about them: so good. so pure. so beautiful. they’re just healthy for each other and i love the idea of kayano’s best friend supporting her through all the shit she’s gone through because fuck, man, kayano’s mom and sister are dead, the only “friends” she had, she built her friendship on a lie, the teacher she tried to kill and then turned out not to be guilty is dead anyway (bye bye, purpose that kept her going for a year despite all her issues), the person she was for a year was a lie but — not all of it, okay, deep down kaede kayano/akari yukimura is still a good caring person and kanzaki knows it even if she did lie and the two of them supporting each other and I just — yeah

What makes me sad about them: i’m always full of salt about kayano so :/ i don’t like it when people don’t acknowledge the kayano arc happened/kayano’s real personality is very different from the one she pretended to be/she lied to the class for a year? yeah matsui just decided to forget about it and sideline her because he’s a shit writer and what the fuck is continuity, but that doesn’t mean you should follow his example. so it’d be great to see those issues acknowledged!! give me kanzaki understanding kayano did fucked-up things and is a messy person who was not the kind, cheerful, sweet girl she pretended to be and loving her anyway!! (acknowledge and justify the kayano arc for why it happened without throwing logic out the window, and i’ll personally send you a thank-you card)

things done in fanfic that annoys me: there are two fics on ao3 for yukikae, lol (i’m planning to remedy this because inexcusable!!). one is kayano third wheeling karmagisa w/ like 5 lines of actual yukikae (no offense to the author, the fic is fine, it’s just Not Yukikae). the other is green’s fic and admittedly there isn’t a lot of overtly romantic yukikae but it’s a really good fic and there’s good worldbuilding and concepts and y’all should read it

things I look for in fanfic: having it exist. that’s what i’m looking for. that being said, see above rant, because while there aren’t many fics about kanzaki (beautiful daughter pls love her more), there is plenty of fic about kayano and it is almost never accurate. it makes me sad. accurate, well-done characterization is what i Live for

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: both of them, okuda. as previously mentioned, kanzaki, maybe yada? for kaede, rio, also yada, maybe kataoka (it’s mentioned kayano admires her and i don’t think that was a lie, akari seems like the type of girl who recognises and respects strength and competence in people). um. the 3-E girls are all good in general haha, the only person i can think of off the top of my head i’d say no to is okano with kanzaki because okano dislikes her and kanzaki is uncomfortable with that, so. :/ although seeing them work past it (and okano getting past her own insecurities regarding her femininity) would be cool, so even then, i can’t say Absolutely Never. just not nagisa/kayano pls

My happily ever after for them: sometime in their mid/late-20s, they move into an apartment together and own lots of books and cute stationery and various trinkets. also a cat. maybe other pets, like a hamster or a dog. kayano is a successful actress all over again but keeps her relationship with kanzaki not secret but lowkey. kanzaki is away from her parents and likes her job and reads a lot of books. their friends come visit them pretty frequently and the neighbors think they’re adorable. they’re happy.

who is the big spoon/little spoon: omg fuck i suck at this kind of thing. i think kayano would be the big spoon and kanzaki the little spoon but i don’t think they’d mind switching

what is their favorite non-sexual activity: um theyre fond of reading and decorating things (apartment they move into together) and baking and taking walks together. probably taking walks with the dog tbh. that was like 4 i dont know sorry im still in the developing stages of headcanons for these two ive only been highkey invested in this ship for like a month and a half okay

gakushuu asano

How I feel about this character: today i started thinking about him completely out of the blue, with no prompting, and then i sat down and wrote 4 pages in my notebook about an AU where ikeda doesn’t die and gakuhou remains a good dad. last sentence is “in another world, gakushuu asano is healthy and happy and okay.” this is pretty much how i am all day every day i love this child so much he’s just. i see a lot of myself in him (hes relatable okay) and he’s so amazing and brilliant and full of curiosity and potential and i!!! love!!! him!!!! i want him to be happy so much!!! i love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

All the people I ship romantically with this character: karma (obviously haha), um. fuck. im really fond of renshuu (like really fond) but i usually ship it as ren having a one-sided crush on gakushuu that eventually concludes in ren realising shuu’s crushing unattainability (also i hc gakushuu as ace arospec and he’s kinda ehhh abt romance in general. projecting? me? yeah) and dealing with it and they become really really good best friends even tho it makes ren’s heart hurt a lil bit but mostly its okay. fuck i had a fic abt this i started months ago that i never finished i gotta do that but yeah i envision the virtuosos’ dynamic as being very very complicated in general. oh yeah i cant believe i said i ship karma/gakushuu only once in this post so far so anyway i ship karushuu i love karushuu karushuu is love karushuu is life

My non-romantic OTP for this character: the virtuosos of course its not like i wrote like 1k+ of meta on this hahahaha also gakushuu/isogai, gakushuu/kataoka (why cant we see his respect for her acknowledged as well i know isogai gets his own ep and all but kataoka is still important and is also a class rep :/), gakushuu/nagisa a little bit (i used to be super into it and i still kinda like it), i actually really like the idea of platonic!karushuu because those two are cute boyfriends but working their way from enemies to rivals with grudging respect for each other to best friends?? it’s good

My unpopular opinion about this character: he and karma are not the same person or quite frankly anywhere close to it. there’s lots of parallels they’re good narrative foils but seeing people act like gakushuu is just a recoloured karma makes me sad. pls no my son is so complex and wonderful and different pls pls understand this he’s not just karma akabane with orange hair he’s his own character and such a good one

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: he goes to MIT and is separated from his father’s awful awful toxic influence and lives a happy brilliant successful life and is emotionally okay. i mean it’s not non-canon hahaha but seeing it onscreen would’ve been cool. we can assume that happens anyway tho b/c it’s gakushuu. uhh seeing him interact with his mom onscreen (or like, seeing his mom at all) would’ve been really cool!!! for who i imagine his mom as, i pretty much just think of @cosmicyue‘s hideko asano headcanon :)

my OTP: karushuu obviously. ohh man i love these two nerds so fucking much okay. they hate each other so so much but they also have this respect for each other alright if i start talking about why i ship karushuu (something ive actually never done on this blog bc i dont want people to think im trying to push karushuu on everyone ajdkakdkajsh; theres hardly a shortage of karushuu shippers around) then im gonna b here all day and this is already really long. ill shut up

my cross over ship: none i dont rlly think about AC in relation to other fandoms tbh

a headcanon fact: i have so many. fuck. um one of my favorites (ive mentioned it before but) is that the asanos are both fluent in 3+ languages and they talk shit about people they look down on in those languages when they’re around those people, just to make people uncomfortable.

send me a ship, a character, or five characters

#gakushuu #ac #ask #yukikae #anonymous #also if my complaining abt nagikae bothers anyone (which i totally understand dw) let me know and i'll tag it :)

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therealestatesparkblog · 5 years

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Interview: Todd Smith on Earning $27M Over 23 Years & His Book Little Things Matter

I was about to sit down and do another deal structure outline, and I thought it would be best, given the time of year, to do one more article that addresses sort of that inner game that is required to have success in any business. Ill get back to deal structuring topics in the coming articles. I had the fortune of interviewing a good friend recently on my podcast. Todd Smith from Sarasota, Florida has been an entrepreneur for over 35 years and has enjoyed extraordinary personal and professional success. He owned his first business at the age of 18, became one of the youngest real estate agents ever inducted into RE/MAXs Hall of Fame at the age of 28, and became an internationally recognized leader and trainer, earningget this$27 million over the last 23 years in that industry. I met Todd at an industry meeting way back in the early 90s and weve stayed connected since. Todd has conducted more than a thousand training sessions and seminars for audiences around the world. Hes also developed numerous training manuals and audio-visual sales tools, teaching entrepreneurs how to achieve professional success and accomplish their personal goals. His journey taught him that success comes from the compounding effect of doing the little things correctly and consistently. Hes the author, quite appropriately, of Little Things Matter. Its a resource for all those who place a priority on being the best they can. Its the first step in a comprehensive program designed to help people improve their business and their personal lives. Ill let you sit in on this interview as Todd shares some amazing nuggets. Remember, those you listen to, hang out with, and network with are extremely important and directly affect your income. Advice on Success From Todd Smith I wrote Little Things Matter because one of the things that my lifes journey has taught me is that its not the big things that separate the best of the best from the rest. Its the little things. Reflecting back on my real estate career, I got started at age 23 in my first year selling real estate, and that was 32 years ago. I made a quarter of a million dollars, and within four years, I was the second-highest producing real estate agent in the state of Illinois at age of 28. I did set goals, but it wasnt that I had a dream of being a top-producing real estate agent. It was all the little things that I did to stand out from the rest as an individual. The little things were making sure that I arrived at all of my appointments five minutes earlythat I rang the doorbell at the exact time of the appointment, that I smiled and greeted the prospective seller, that I made equal eye contact with both the husband and the wife, that I showed an interest in the children, that I got down and took time to pet the cats and dogs, that I talked about things that were of interest to them. I sent hand-written thank you notes. I was always smiling and upbeat and pleasant and focused on them, and I never brought in my mobile phone. I focused on the people in front of me. One of my biggest things was that I was disciplined. I pushed myself every day to do what most people arent willing to do. My discipline combined with my focus on making sure that I was doing every little thing allowed me to achieve that success. I remember listening to Anthony Robbins audio program Unlimited Power, which Id recommend for any of you reading this. I made sure I was mirroring and modeling. If they talked slow, Id talk slow. If they talked faster, I talked faster. If they seemed like they just want to talk and build more of relationship, I talked and built more of a relationship. If they seemed like they wanted to get into talking business, I got into talking business. If they were leaning forward, I was leaning forward. I was always dressed in a suit and tie. My shoes were always shined. I was doing every little thing to build a relationship to connect with them, to have them like me and to have them respect me. As a result of that, my closing rate was 92% over my career. When I say my closing rate, I mean that when I met with sellers who were interviewing multiple other agents, I closed 92% of all my sales. Even with that kind of success, I was saying to myself, OK, why was I successful? I didnt really understand it at the time. Even though I was intentional about the little things, I had no way of comparing myself to anybody. Then I moved into the direct sales career, as Chris indicated above, and I continued to implement that strategy of looking at every little thing I could do to be better. I believed in the global economic system, which is that income follows value.

If you want your income to grow, your value must grow first. Very seldom in life does anybody get paid more than their value. If they are getting paid more than their value, one of two things happens. Either their income comes down to their value or their value goes up to their income. Just because youre choosing the real estate market and maybe flipping homes, or buying and selling on terms like Chris and his family to some capacityor youre considering doing thatunderstand that your success is still going to be determined by your value. Youre just not going to say, OK, Im choosing to do something different with my life and Im going to go from making $20 an hour to $100 an hour. Life doesnt work that way. Certainly, the vehicle makes a big difference, but its who you become within that vehicle that makes the biggest difference. There are people who make big money in everything in life. Its all about choosing the right vehicle and pursuing that. The point that I really focused on was continuing to grow myself and be the best that I could be. When I say the best that I could be, its not just the best that I could be in business. Its being the best person I can be. We cant just say, OK, were going to be a certain way in our business life and then be different in our personal life. Im striving to be the best husband I can be, to be the best father I can be, to be the best friend I can be, to be the best contributor in our community that I can be, and to be the best that I can be in my business. These things are based upon where my priorities are and how much time I allocate to each thing. In business, we are a reflection of who we are as people. We built a brand for ourselves, and thats who we are. Our brand is not just heres our business brand, and our business brand is different than our personal brand. No, our brand is more than brand. I am somebody who throughout my career has striven for excellence at these little things. As a result of it, my businesses have sold over $2 billion and Ive learned that there are not very many people at the top. The reason is that most people arent willing to put in the effort to get to the top. Oftentimes when youre successful, you dont know why at the time. As I began to analyze why I was successful, I eventually came to determine that it was because I strived for excellence at the little things. I felt I wanted to write a booknot so much to make money with the book (and I havent made money with the book). You dont write a book to make money; I know very few people who have made money writing books. For me, I wanted to write a book that taught what I believed was the key to success. I wanted to highlight the things that I felt would have the greatest application to the broadest audience of people. Related: My One-Word Answer to: What Separates Those Who Succeed From Those Who Fail, Give Up, or Never Try? It doesnt matter what profession youre in. It could be about professional footballits that wide receiver that can catch the ball with a defensive player in his face on a corner of the end zone and get his feet in bounds. Those are the guys who make it to the NFL. Its not the guy who can catch a football. Everybody can catch a football. Everybody can run. Everybody can run fast. There are a lot of people who can run fast and catch a football, but can you run fast and catch a football in the right circumstances, and handle pressure the right way? Its not the big things, and I could give you analogy after analogy. Its not the big things that make the difference. Its you becoming the best at what you are doing. You become the best at what youre doing by honing in and refining and becoming the best at the little things. If you become great at all of the little things, the compounding effect of your intentional efforts allows you to become the best at what youre doing. 5 Steps Ive Used to Find to Success I have trained hundreds of thousands of people, and Ill tell you that everybody wants a better life. Everybody wants a nicer car. Everybody wants a nicer house. Everybody wants more money. Everybody wants to travel the world. Everybody wants a better quality of life. Everybody wants to put together five deals in six months. It all boils down towhat are you willing to do toachieve that goal? But youve got to set realistic goals. I have found throughout my experience in working with entrepreneurs all over the world that 90 percent of people set unrealistic goals. As I noted above, somebodys making $20 an hour, and just because they begin to do something else, they think theyre going to make $100 an hour. It doesnt work that way. The world doesnt work that way. Thats pie-in-the-sky thinking. For anybody that wants to do something, its most important to begin by asking yourself, Why? Why do I want to do this? How bad is my desire? Because if you dont have the burning desire to be successful with anything youre going to pursue, youre not going to be successful. To be successful in life is not easy. I believe you can be great at anything, but you cant be great at everything. You have to pick what youre going to be focused onwhat youre going to be successful at. 1. Have a burning desire. Youve got to have a strong, burning desire to be successfula desire so strong that it will push you every day to do what is required of you. If youre not willing to do what is required of you, then you might as well not even get started. This is how I coach everybody. Im just not the kind of person who plays games. I say, Hey, if youre not going to do whats required of you to be successful, then dont waste your life on this project; find something else thats important to you. 2. Build your knowledge. How can you be successful at something for which you dont have knowledge? So you say, OK, how do I build my knowledge? How do I become as educated as I can be on this subject? Obviously, I admire all of you who are taking the time to read this, because it tells me that youre wanting to learn. Youre wanting to get better. I talked to a guy recently who is at the absolute top of his game. He is unbelievably successful and listens to all of Chriss podcasts at 1.7 speed, just looking for a little nugget here and there. He says, Hey, 99 percent of the time that I spend listening to something, I may not be learning anything, but its that 1%, that one thing that I learned, that makes a difference. You have to continue to build your knowledge. You have to start building your knowledge, and then you have to continue building your knowledge. 3. Create a plan. OK, so now I know what I want to be successful at. I built my knowledge and whats my plan going to be? Your plan needs to be not just the big picture plan, but it needs to be a plan broken down into what you should do every day. A lot of people will set a goal to have six deals closed, but they dont build their knowledge. They dont have any plan. Theyre just saying, Im going to do it. Life doesnt work that way, and thats not the kind of thinking that comes out of anybodys mouth or mind whos ever been successful, because people who have been successful know that success takes time. Success doesnt happen overnight. Yes, there are a few people who will put together six deals in six months. Nobody wouldve thought that I would have had the success that I did selling 68 homes in my first year in real estate and making a quarter of a million dollars. Yes, it can be done, but it can only be done if you build your knowledge and you have a plan. 4. Execute that plan. Let me just say that most people dont have enough of a desire to push themselves, so most people fail on step one. Of those who do have the desire, very few people will go and say, OK, let me build my knowledge on something. Then you get down to a smaller number that will put together a plan to execute in order to achieve what they have set forth. When you get to step fourexecuting the planthis is where youre down to less than 2% of the people that have gone through the first few points and who are disciplined to execute that plan with excellence. 5. Refine. Based upon what you have learned, youre refining, youre tracking all your numbers, youre looking at all your data, and youre determining: Where do I refine? How do I get better? What is not working? What parts should I focus on that are working? I determined very early on in my real estate career that I was going to focus on for sale by owners. That was my target market. I was very clear on my target market, and I determined I was going to be the best at targeting that market. For each of you reading this, what is your target market? Youre going to try different things and youre going to say, Well, that didnt work. You dont want to say it after trying it one or two times. You have to have enough statistical data to say that something doesnt work. I called my first for sale by owner and they agreed to meet with me. What if my first 10 people had said, No, the reason were selling for sale by owner is because we hate real estate agents? What would that have done to my psyche? But overall, the numbers were what my numbers were regardless of 10 noes in a row or 10 yeses in a row. Expectations begin with goal-setting, and goal-setting is dependent on ones true desire. You can set goals until youre blue in the face. If your desire is not strong enough, youre not going to do whats required of you to achieve those goals. If somebody has got big goals and big expectations, then I hope its a person whos already been successful at something else in life. If this is the first thing youre hoping to be successful in at an extraordinary level, its highly unlikely that its going to happen, whether its this or something else. How many times have you met somebody who began to do something new and who was amazingly great at it right out of the gate? I cant even think of one person, and I know a lot of people. Thats why I say the best of the best are the best at the little things, and the people who are the top achievers are the people who are an inch wide and a mile deep in a single category. As Malcolm Gladwell said in Tipping Point, its when youve got 10,000 hours in something. Thats because youve learned enough, youve refined enough, youve executed enough, and you now are dialed into exactly what it is that you should be doing to get the optimal level of conversions and success. Ive hung out with Chris, for example, and I know the level of discipline he has in all five of these areas; I know the hours he has invested since 1991 in real estate, and as a result, the level of success he and his family are experiencing is no surprise to me. Success leaves cluesfollow the path.

Build Your Influence: Be Likable and Respectable Lets begin at the beginningthe foundation. John Maxwell says that leadership is one word: influence. If I were to ask, What describes influence? the answer would be respect. If you are respected, you have influence. When you have influence, everything in life goes better. Trust falls under respect. You can be trusted but not respected. But you cant be respected and not trusted. If youre not trusted, youre not respected either. Whether youre leading people that work with you, work around you, or work alongside you, your degree of success with them is determined by how these people view you. If you want to have the ultimate success, you want to be the kind of person that people look at and think, I like him/I like her, and I respect him/I respect her. You want to build a brand that when people think of it, they say, I like you and I respect you. If people can say, I like you and I respect you, they will want to do business with you. They will want to come to your birthday party. They will want to come to the talk youre giving about what youre doing. Your ultimate goal is to be a person of influence. If you want to be a person of influence where doors of opportunity open, where people look at you and say, I want to do business with you, where people refer others to you, you need to be somebody who is liked and respected. When you look at being liked, its all the obvious things: smiling, having a pleasant personality, being positive and upbeat, not talking about negative things, not talking negatively about peoplebeing a source of positive, upbeat energy. Whether its over the phone and youre smiling while you talk, or whether youre meeting with somebody and youre smiling, and youre greeting them, and youre repeating their name, all of this is what makes you likable. There are hundreds of factors that influence peoples respect for you. Are you on time? Do you get back to people when you say you will? Do you schedule firm appointments or do you leave them vague and open? What does your communication look like? Do you open your emails by saying, Hi Dean, I hope you had a great weekend? And then you dive into your subject in a new paragraph, and you have white space between your paragraphs, no big monster paragraphs, and everything is proofed and your communication is clear and concise. What do your text messages look like? How long does it take to respond to email? How long does it take you to respond to a phone call? How long does it take you to respond to a text? What is the tone in your communications? These are the hundreds of things that I talk about in my blog and in my book. When youre meeting with somebody do you let them finish talking before you talk? Are you quick to interrupt? When youre listening to people, can they tell youre listening intently or do they think youre waiting to say something? When youre listening and looking at them, are you looking off to the side? All of these things influence peoples respect for you and influence whether they like you. Related: Sorry, But Real Estate Investing is NOT Easy. Still, You Can Succeed if If you want to be somebody that is highly successful in working with people, sellers, buyers, owners, you need to build a brand for yourself such that when people think of you and when they look at you they think, I like him. He is different. I like her. I like the way she accepted responsibility for that challenge rather than making an excuse for it. Or, Even though this was a challenging situation, I respected that he always was on top of his communication with me. I would love to do another deal with him, or I certainly would not hesitate to refer any of my investor friends to her because of the way she handled herself during this entire transaction. Its not just about getting the deal put together, so to speak. Its about how you handle everything from front to finish, and whether they want to do more business with you, and have talked about you to their investment clubs, and talked about you to their friends. People hang around people like themselves. People who own apartment buildings hang around other people who own apartment buildings. People who own multiple pieces of residential real estate hang around other people who own multiple pieces of residential real estate. If you want to be highly successful in this career over the long-term, these are the kinds of things you want to do. And by the way, long-term is how I would be looking at it. This is not a six-month or one-year thing. Dont waste your time if thats what youre thinking. You wont be successful in anything saying, Im going to do this for six months to a year. You have to say, Hey, this is what I want to do. I would love to build this into my lifestyle. I would love to be a guy or a gal that can put together deals and make an income and build a residual income through investment properties. Im going to become the best that I can be at this. What can I do to become the best? You have to look at everything, including your social media posts. Who is going to refer you to some of these people? Maybe its the people who are following you on Facebook. Youre putting pictures of yourself up there partying. Let me tell you, that is not the image thats will cause people to respect you or even like you, so youve got to be thinking about everything. Your brand is your brand. You dont separate it. Its not like, My brand in business is this and my brand in my personal life is that. No, your brand is your brand and people arent stupid. If you think theyre stupid, youre wrong. Theyre going to see it, and theyre going to determine whether or not youre somebody they want to do business with. Maybe somebody comes to them and says, Hey, do you know Eric Milander? Yeah, I know Eric. What do you think about Eric? Im thinking about doing a deal with him. Well, I wouldnt do a deal with Eric if my life depended on it, or Eric is somebody that I really like. Hes a great guy. I love his personality. He just seems to always show interest in me. Hes a good listener. Hes highly responsible. Everybody that I know that knows him thinks highly of him. This is the brand that you want to build if you want to be successful in the world of busines. Especially if you want people to trust you with their money and their real estate, it is important to build this kind of a brand. Plan, Prioritize, and ActDaily Have a to-do list. I know what I need to do so the day is spent doing one thing. While I could have 20 other things on my to-do-list checked off in the same amount of time, those 20 things werent more important than the one thing I did. Going back to my five steps to success above, number three is you put together your plan. Your plan must be broken down into what youre supposed to do every day, and your plan needs to be arranged in priority sequence. If youve got a plan, ask, What are the things that I need to work on first in this plan? What are the things I need to work on second? Then you need to make the decision, Im going to work on things in priority sequence, not Im going to work on things that I want to work on. The things that you dont want to do are the things that make you the most money. Thats how life works. Thats why I say of the thousand little things on my list, not one has a higher value to the market than discipline. Discipline is pushing yourself each day to do what you know you should do even when you dont feel like doing it. If you want to be successfuland this is number one on my listyouve got to put first things first. You have to make sure youre spending your time doing exactly what you predetermined you should be doing with your time today to be productive. It might mean that youre sitting there with your phone in your ear and youre making outgoing calls because you determined right now the absolute most important thing for you to achieve your goals is to prospect. If thats the case, then you stick the phone to your ear and you prospect.

I remember when I was getting started in my various careers, where I would sit at the phone all day and prospect. I remember there were days I made up to 300 phone calls. Why? Because that was what I should do today. I didnt sit there and say, Oh, Im going to redesign my brochure or Im going to make my website look better or Im going to make my business card look better. Im going to think through my presentation again, or Im going to work on my phone script. No, it was me picking up the phone with my heart beating out of my chest, making phone call after phone call after phone call after phone call. It was refining my approach. When people didnt do business with me, I always asked them why and I learned a lot by asking them why. Number two for being productive is working your to-do-list in priority sequence and pushing yourself to do the things that you know you should do without excuses and without justifying those excuses. You could say to yourself, Todays not a good day for me to make prospecting calls because its cloudy, or today is not a good day for me to make prospecting calls because Im a little tired. Im going to wait until tomorrow. This is what everybody says. This is what 99.9% of the people do. They make excuses for not doing what they know they should do, whether its eating right, whether its exercising, whether its prospecting. Whatever it is they know they should do, most people dont do itand thats why most people arent successful. You have to have a plan. That plan needs to be broken down into what you should be doing each day. You need to be executing that plan each day with excellence. You need to be looking at everything youre doing each day and saying, How can I do what Im doing better? and then making adjustments. As Chris indicated in the introduction, its the compounding effect of these little things. The first time youre focused on making equal eye contact with each person in the room, you may not be great at it, but if you work on it every time youre in a room of people, youre going to get a little bit better every time. Each time youre in a room like that youre saying to yourself, OK, Im going to be very deliberate in making sure everybody in this room feels included in the conversation. We all know we should remember names, but how many times do we remember a persons name? Its about being in the present. Its about being intentional, Im meeting somebody. I need to make sure I remember their name. Oh shoot, I forgot their name. Well, I have to get better tomorrow. Its about every day, pushing yourself to get better at the things that you know you should be doing. TakeawaysThe little things are the small, meaningful actions that make your clients like and respect you.Income follows value: You have to create higher value before you can create higher income.The five steps to success are: (1) Have a burning desire, (2) Build your knowledge, (3) Create a plan, (4) Execute the plan, (5) Refine.Success comes after a lot of hours!Each day make a to-do list with the one important thing you need to do.Dont procrastinate; do it even if you dont like it. The things that you dont want to do are the things that make you the most money.

What little things do you do to differentiate yourself in your market? Leave your questions and comments below! https://www.biggerpockets.com/renewsblog/todd-smith-interview

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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years

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The death of Anthony Bourdain: Thoughts on productivity, pleasure, and depression

Shares 141 Warning: This is a rare GRS post that contains salty language. If you dont like salty language, dont read this article. Anthony Bourdain killed himself Friday morning. So what? you might be thinking. Hes just another fucking celebrity who didnt know how good he had it. Maybe youre right. But his death has weighed heavy on me all weekend. On Friday morning, as I wrote the weekly Get Rich Slowly email, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. On Friday afternoon, as Kim and I worked in the yard, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. On Friday evening, as we soaked in our new hot tub with a friend, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. Yesterday, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. Today, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. Now Im writing this article as an act of catharsis. Maybe itll help me to stop thinking about Anthony Bourdain. The Depression Trap I believe Anthony Bourdains death touched me deeply for a couple of reasons. I was a huge fan. Since listening him read the audio version of Kitchen Confidential a decade ago, Ive loved his work. Parts Unknown was probably my favorite travel show: raw and real and filled with food. Bourdain connected with everyone he met. His joy for life was contagious and his mind was sharp.Like Bourdain did, I struggle with depression. All my life, Ive experienced periodic descents into darkness. The first time this happened, I missed five weeks of sixth grade. In the nearly forty years since then, Ive developed a variety of coping mechanisms but they dont always work. In recent months since the middle of March the darkness has deepened and I dont know why. (And just as I missed five weeks of school back then, Ive been unable to get my work done in the present.) Let me make it clear that I am not suicidal. Right now, the biggest symptom of my depression is my inability to get shit done. But whereas suicide seems strange and senseless to most everyone else, depressives understand the appeal even if wed never consider it personally. One of the many stupid things about depression is that the condition doesnt care how awesome your life is. It doesnt care how successful you are. It doesnt care how much money you have. Depression is not rational. If it were, itd be easy to think your way out of it. Paula Froelich, one of Bourdains ex-girlfriends, put it like this:

Bourdains death didnt just make me introspective. It also led to a couple of interesting conversations about pleasure and productivity and about what really matters in life. The Productivity Trap Friday afternoon, I received email from a GRS reader well call Michael: Im sure you saw Anthony Bourdain killed himself. This to me was a telling quote: When asked during a recent interview with The Wall Street Journal whether he ever thought about stepping back from the breakneck pace of a job that kept him on the road 250 days a year, he replied, Too late for that. I think about it. I aspired to it. I feel guilty about it. I yearn for it. Balance? I fucking wish.' Obviously I didnt know Bourdain personally, or even know much about him as a public figure, but I think that mentality is common: Once youve become successful, the thought of ever ratcheting back seems unthinkable. Obviously, suicide is rare, but I think this mentality is common among successful people they stay in an unhappy status quo simply because they have so much invested in their self-image and public perception of themselves as successful people. I think Michael is onto something. Ive seen this in my own life, in the lives of friends and family, and the lives of colleagues. They fall into what you might call the productivity trap. (Heres an article I almost linked to the other day about the productivity trap: If youre so successful, why are you still working 70 hours a week?) I have one friend, for instance, with an enormously successful career. He has a popular blog, a popular podcast, best-selling books, and even an annual conference that attracts attendees from across the planet. Yet hes never satisfied not with himself nor with anybody else. Hes always looking for ways to make things bigger and better. He seems unhappy with who he is and what he has. Hes written publicly about his struggles with mental illness, but he hasnt revealed its full effects. Its not just my friend. Its me too. I see this pattern in my own life, and its something Ive deliberately decided to approach more mindfully. Why do I want to have a hot tub or travel to Ecuador? Why did I repurchase Get Rich Slowly and how often should I publish here? Why do I keep agreeing to public speaking gigs? Do I really want these things? Are they aligned with my personal mission statement? Will they really make me happy? (Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is no.) In his email, Michael continued: I think this is really the key to personal finance and early retirement actually stepping back and figure out what is important to you, and doing it, even if it seems like youre turning your back on a great career, or a nice house or whatever. That is the hardest part, which keeps most people in a life they dont want. They think I went to school X or work at company Y, so therefore I must live in this city or have that job or have that wardrobe and never ask themselves what, as individuals, makes them happy. The Pleasure Trap As our email conversation continued, Michael brought up another interesting point. He noted that our culture and this is especially true in the world of financial independence blogs is obsessed with experiences, such as travel. Yet in many ways, collecting experiences is no better (nor any different) than collecting things. Heres Michael again: [Bourdain] had the ne plus ultra of modern life: rich, famous, a job that 99% of the population would kill for, saw everything he wanted to see, ate everything he wanted to eat, Im sure slept with tons of women if that is what he wanted, took all the drugs he wanted. You name it, he had it. And, he hung himself in a hotel room in France, a twice-divorced man a continent away from his daughter and girlfriend. Im not bagging on him. I just think he illustrates something: A meaningful life doesnt consist of a series of cool experiences, or traveling or eating cool stuff. Bourdain did that stuff to an incredible degree, and it still didnt make him happy. I think that is what our society has forgotten. I feel like were always being told we should move a lot, travel a lot, be vaguely or overtly dismissive of the town or state we were born in, move for college and never move back homein short, basically be a free agent with fewer and fewer personal connections, or weaker connections. And, we get this [higher suicide rates]. [] I think this relates to personal finance. There is always this thought that thrift requires these huge sacrifices less travel, fewer new experiences, fewer new restaurants. But what if [these arent sacrifices]? What if irrespective of cost, that stuff isnt really a source of happiness? I mean, people accept that with respect to possessions nobody says a Cadillac or a 5000-square-foot home is the key to happiness but many, many people in our culture think new experiences are crucial to a happy life. It may be the opposite the continuity and free-time to invest in loving relationships may actually be the key to happiness. I told Kim about my conversation with Michael. Its the pleasure trap, she said. People fall for the lie that momentary pleasure equals happiness. But pleasure isnt the same as happiness. Shes right, of course. Happiness is like planting a garden, watching it grow, then enjoying the harvest. Pleasure is simply eating the fruit. Happiness is deeper and richer and longer lasting. Pleasure is fleeting; happiness is not. But happiness involves time and work and patience. Now, Ill admit: Im guilty as anyone else of falling into the pleasure trap, and in oh-so-many ways! I have to make a deliberate effort to look past immediate pleasure in order to consider long-term happiness. This often requires enduring unpleasant activities. Do I really want to go out in the cold and the rain to dig in the mud and plant my garden? No, not in this moment. Id rather sit in the hot tub. But if I dont plant the garden, Im sacrificing greater happiness in the future. Final Thoughts While I think that Kim and Michael are onto something the productivity trap and the pleasure trap are both real and both problematic I keep coming back to Anthony Bourdains battle with depression. During my recent road trip through the southeastern U.S., I talked with two friends who are fighting depression in their own lives. One friend has a spouse who cannot shake the condition despite counseling, despite exercise, despite a loving family. The other friend fights the condition himself and its led to weight gain and addictive tendencies. Therapy has helped some but its not a cure-all. As for myself, I havent yet returned to therapy although Im considering it. (Not so long ago, I spent a year working with a therapist to find ways to cope with anxiety and depression. It helped.) I want to stress again that I am not suicidal. But the depression has most definitely affected my daily existence, including my relationships, my health, and my work here at Get Rich Slowly. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. But I know that itll get better someday. Shares 141 https://www.getrichslowly.org/death-of-anthony-bourdain/

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heyitslapis · 6 years

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Ok, so about my situation with Alex (warning, this is a looong read)

Wednesday night (or should I say 12am Thursday morning) I told her I was ready to talk. She said go for it, and i told her some stuff to start, like how her and Jacob’s relationship wasnt really any of my business, and she didnt have to go into any details about anything that she didnt want to. i told her what i remembered hearing about Jacob, and asked her if it was true. she explained that it was a lot more complicated than she let on. They both were going through some stuff when they met, and neither of them were right for each other at the time. It was a mutual thing. She said there was never anyone keeping the other on a tight leash, so to speak, and when i asked her if it was true that they worked everything out and that they were gonna be ok, she assured me that yes, everything would be fine. After that, i told her that i wrote something for her. It was a Google Doc of everything that i wanted to say, everything i wanted to explain on my end, and let her see what happened from my point of view, but since it was over 2,000 words, she didnt have to read it if she didnt want to. I also told her she could stop after “theres something else” if she wanted, because thats when it got to the point that i wasnt sure if i should leave in. She told me of course shes willing to read it, and i sent her the link.

In the document i explained that i was so upset because i never knew exactly how “bad” things were between them the first time, but that i had a picture painted of him as a bad guy. I explained that when i saw her run up and hug him friday night, even though id never seen him before, the fear cropped up that that was Jacob. i told her how i was shaking and when she introduced us i already decided that i hated his guts because of what i thought he was, and how i was confused and mad and hurt that she would go back to him. How that night i went home and bawled my eyes heart and soul out for 2 hours before deciding that i would distance myself from her until i could rationalize this. i wrote about how much it killed me working with her Saturday and having her act like nothing was wrong and still treating me that exact same cutesy way she always did, and how when my sister hosted a party after work, i didnt want to go if Alex was going. But of course the one time i dont want to socialize, by brother drags us there to help my sister move furniture. I told her how i was sort of ok until she showed up, then it hurt so much that i couldnt bare to have my attention anywhere but in my phone, and that i was practically praying for my brother to take us home. I told her how after we left, my brother said that we only left because she texted him saying that i looked like i needed to go home, and how i cried the whole way home because i felt so bad for it being that obvious that i needed to leave, and for being so rude and standoffish towards her that night when she still cared so much for me, even to offer buying me a chocolaty dessert bc i was cramping. i asked her to forgive me for some details i said that i wont go into, and said that i respect her for doing this for herself and no one else.

I told her that most of why this whole thing had me this distraught is because as far as I knew, he had hurt her before, and now to see her willingly back at his side when he might hurt her again for who knows how much longer this time made me sick to my stomach. But then I told her the other reason why I was so upset was, admittedly, I'm jealous of him.

I said that i didnt want to tell her, because its cliche and dickish to wait until its too late to admit it, but that i think, or thought, that i loved her. for real loved. I told her that i didnt want her now, because its wrong to want for someone who is already in a relationship, but that i had the biggest, hardest, most thought and emotion consuming crush on her. That it was nothing i had ever felt for another human being before. I explained how I started to develop these feelings in November, and thats only because she snapped me saying that i looked nice (when i was wearing pjs and hadnt showered in days) and then that i was cute followed by two separate snaps of kissy faces, so i thought, surely she must like me and im not being silly. And how the thought that she liked me was too tantalizing to ignore. I confessed that i had felt myself start to develop feelings earlier in the year. How early, i wasnt sure, but that God did i try to stop myself from catching these feelings. That i repeated a mantra in my head for months that she didnt Like me, she just loved me as a friend, and that this is how a real friendship feels and that im being silly.

But i laid it out there that Ive never had a friend call me cute, and so often. I've never had friends drunk-sing love songs to me through another person's snapchat. I've never had a friend snap me a picture of her watching some comedian and say “He’s talking about being in love with this girl. ❤ Love you.” I've never had a friend text me at 2:05 in the morning, unprovoked, just to say “Quick reminder that you’re my favorite and I love you!”, or kiss my face twice the night of our store’s Christmas party, or tell our key manager that only I can cuddle with her. And never have I ever had a friend literally 4 months after we meet tell me that if I got a tattoo, she’d get my initials tattooed on her, and then 9 months later get a tattoo permanently added to her body of a flower that I gave her because “she loves orchids and the people who give them to her”, and then a month after that tell me that every other time she looks at it she cries cause she loves it and says “I love you so much. ❤❤❤” (<- that was the actual chunk of words that i wrote in the Doc)

I said that yes, I remember all of them. Because they made such an impact on my locked up little affection starved heart that I couldnt even begin to explain how those moments made me feel. And because with each one that would be added, it would prove to me that maybe this was real. Maybe I'm not being paranoid or delusional or just dreaming up a fantasy.

I wrote that despite being convinced that she requited a crush on me, I couldn't bring myself to ask her how she really felt about me, because 1) I was so scared of being wrong that I thought I’d rather sit idly by to see if she’d eventually make the first move. 2) I wasn't out, and am too scared to come out, so even if she did like me back, it's not like we’d be able to be a thing. And 3) She already had my one brother fall for her and then snap because she didn't feel the same way and dated a dude from work instead, and then my eldest brother thinks shes gorgeous and was convinced that she was/is into him, so I thought the last thing she needed/wanted was another kid from my family “falling in love” with her. But that believe me when I say that I've mentally wrestled my hand over my own mouth literally every other day since at least January to stop myself from asking her.

I promised that even as I was writing, that I didnt want her to know. I didnt want her to know because now that shes in a relationship, this just looks like I’m trying to confess my love in a last ditch hope of “winning the girl” and making her want to leave him again for me, but that’s not what I wanted. Letting her know all this just makes everything 1000x more complicated for everyone than it needs to be, not to mention the awkwardness of it. That the only reason I was saying all this is so that she could fully understand why knowing shes back with him affected me as bad as it did, I said bc I can guarantee that any one of her other friends aren't spending their weekend/week crying like a heartbroken middle school girl because their best friend got back with her ex. I admitted I’m jealous, and I’m mad at myself because I feel like I went and got my heart broken, because even after a decade of telling myself that I don't want or need a relationship, I was a fool and let myself catch feelings and fall harder than I imagined, all because someone showed me a little affection. I told her i know that this wasnt inherently her fault, I projected feelings when I shouldn't have, and I can only be reasonable and face the fact that I should've taken a chance months ago, but we all miss doors that stand open for us, and we all regret not taking that first step through when we had the chance. That’s my fault. I made that bed, and now I get to lay in it. I told her that she showed me a love that I've never known, and I never thought I'd know, and for that, I gave her thanks.

Then i wrote that i’d be ok, as long as she was ok. I swore to her that her happiness and safety matter to me above all else, and that if he treats her with all the love, respect, and gentleness that i wish for her, that would make me happy. I told her that I hope that they are on mutual grounds now, and that they did work it out, and that he treats her like the Earthbound Aphrodite that she should be treated as. Because if he hurts her, it’ll break my heart. I said that if that happens and she leaves him, I won't let myself be the emotional rebound, no matter how desperate I am. (which honestly, i probably shouldnt have said that, or i at least should have added “given that you felt the same way”. but oh well. this is all behind us now.)

She responded, saying that she wasnt exactly sure what to say, but that she had a feeling she knew what all of this was about. She said that im honestly the best friend she’s had, and shes cares for me so much. That she loves and respects me on another level, and that she was mad at him for coming in last Friday because she was trying to work her way up to talking to me about it. She said that she doesnt want to hurt me by anything she does, and that it was killing her to hide it from me. She promised me that she’ll never stay in a relationship where she wasnt valued or treated well, and that she’ll always be open and honest with anything going on with her. She told me “Thank you for letting me in on everything going on in your head. You’re so special to me.”

I told her i know, i guess im pretty bad at being subtle and hiding things, but that i keep apologizing bc i didnt want to be that little girl that fell for something that wasnt there, and that i didnt want to burden her with knowing how i felt, especially now that shes in a relationship, and that i never wanted this to happen. I hated that i projected this on her. I promised that she doesnt hurt me, and its not her job to tell me every little detail about her personal life.That im a friend, not a parole officer keeping tabs on every little thing she does. If anything, i hurt myself, but i’ll live. I told her not to be mad at Jacob, because he didnt know, and he especially didnt know that i’d be jealous. I know shes smart and wont stay where shes not valued or treated well, and that she doesnt have to report everything about her life to me, but if she ever wants to tell me something, even if shes anxious about it, she can tell me. I thanked her for being chill and patient with me. I told her its hard for me to get rid of my jealousy so easily, but that i feel im accepting it well, considering this is my first experience with this stuff. I told her i might not be the one for her rihgt now, or even ever, but that when she does find that person, im gonna cheer for her because she deserves that happy ever after. I said as for Jacob, i’d keep an open mind. That he’s just a dude after all. I told her thank you for being so awesome and gentle with me, and that i love her.

#kudos if you actually read all this #but yeah. were ok now #i still feel really awkward around her though bc..yknow.. her best friend just confessed her love for her and admitted that shes jealous #and i feel like i cant allow myself to be as comfortably flirty or lovey around her now as i used to. at least not for a while #but shes ok. were ok. im ok #but it kills me to not know how she felt. i just want to know if i was really wrong. if it was all misread. i want to know if it was just me #she never really touched that topic. but it honestly doesnt matter at this point. even if she liked me she worked it out with Jacob and #she seems happy with him. theres no point in opening more hearts out on the table. so its probably better that i dont have an answer...#i just feel like a silly love imprinting fool..#i feel kinda like korra when she admitted to mako that she really liked him and thought that they were meant for each other #and he just kinda turned awkwardly away and said that he didnt feel the same way... that he was with asami #it makes me feel like a silly kid. but i'll get over it. i dont stay embarrassed by much for very long #avatarkorvira speaks #alex

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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i thought to myself, “i dont want to be in love with someone who doesn’t want a future.”

and maybe some years ago i wouldve taken this thought as an action - i might’ve tried to create a rift in the relationship or seek things out to confirm suspicions (which has already been close to happening anyways) so i would have a reason to not be in love with them - so i could make them the enemy; a person doing something “bad”.

but i guess i’m old enough now to understand this statement. it’s not an action; it’s a thought and it can be taken point blank. i dont _want_ to be in love with someone. because that’s painful and useless and so, so sad.

he said, “we’ve been hanging out a lot. maybe we can hang out tomorrow.”

i’ve gotten this before. and it’s a bit ironic, i knew i wouldn’t really see him today because we had an event to go to. and i was okay with that - i guess romanticizing this glamorous idea that we’re somebodies - we’re “something” going out and we kiss and go home.

but i really dislike having no control over things at all. and it’s not that i want to “control” anybody or anything - i just feel like his availability to me is very circumstantial and is one of the worst processes in the relationship. it continually adds to my anxiety and maybe even my insecurities.

i know i have issues with perceived abandonment. which is completely and totally fair to my life situation - i no longer see it as a true flaw to my being but as a statement of my life. why wouldnt i? a person would develop such feelings over time if they had my experiences as well. is it an issue? issues can be fixed. so is it an anxiety or an insecurity? maybe it’s just both.

i want to be able to be like hey, i’m coming over, see you soon. just one time be able to do that. and after nine months and developing the relationship we have, i feel like i should be able to. but anytime i’ve tried, i’ve been deterred. why cant it be like, i’ll see you tomorrow at 6? or around 8? like it always feels like when we say goodbye, there’s a possibility i wont see him again. not like hes going to die, but that he could just get up and walk away. just wake up tomorrow and decide this isn’t what he wants. does my presence even make a difference in that kind of decision? probably not - but i have this fear because he speaks openly about everything, including his desire to move away and take trips and just generally not care that i’m someone who he’s developed a close relationship with.

not that i’m saying he should _not_ do these things either. he should; but the way he speaks about them it just sounds like he could become a new person in a new life tomorrow. and maybe he could. i also don’t believe he doesn’t actually care at all about me. but his caring increasingly feels obvious at arm’s length and frequently one sided towards him.

it could be worth talking about. which is so scary and real because i’ve never really ever in my life put myself out there like that. i’ve done desperate and dumb things, but they were more in jest that turned out embarassing later because it was just like.. not the right time or place or frame of mind. but he also doesnt like talking about relationship things. it’s easier for him to think this isn’t a relationship that requires talking about in such ways. but we’ve talked about things before - we’re so close because of our ability to communicate with each other and neither of us has ever gotten along with someone on these level.

but to bring up the fact that i have this ever lingering feeling of something not being right within myself - i dont know. like i believe he can live his life. just do whatever the fuck he wants to do. and in return i also have that same freedom and that’s great. we live individual lives and get to be individual people and it’s kind of new to both of us because we’ve siphoned our identities alot from our partners at the time. so to get to truly be ourselves in the most pure ways is great.

truly though, i just want to be with someone. i dont want to sit alone in an apartment. its literally my least favourite thing and i do it _all the fucking time_. i could solve these problems by going out but at the en of the day you still return to sit in an empty apartment.

it sounds kind of basic though doesnt it? maybe kind of whiny - “i just want to be with someone”. i’m not alone now. i guess? maybe this truly is not highschool anymore. maybe it’s not about “having” someone. i dont need to have this “boyfriend” in my life. this person i see on a semi regular basis to hang out and have sex with. i need to build a family. like - i did it professionally. and i’ve grown through it as well and like i’m not saying i want to have children (at all) tomorrow or get married but i want to be apart of someones life. i want to see the people they care about. i hope to have the ability to care about them too. i want to make decisions together and bare the weight of those decisions together. i want to feel a responsibility to their well being and feel the necessity in creating an easement to achieve whatever it is they want to do or be. i want to feel a stronger obligation to be better to myself to be able to fulfill my own goals and contribute to theirs more positively.

in my romantic world - we’d move in together next week and create this fantastic little life and i’d just be better in some way. i don’t know. but in reality my anxiety about wanting to be able to say ‘see you tomorrow around 6′ just one time translate to a bigger issue of wanting to be able ot say, hey in 6 months do you thik we could think about living together? do you think we could start building _something_ instead of just spinning our wheels?

which i know is something he already is dealing with in his personality to begin with - he’s spinning his tires completely and i’m in the back seat smoking weed and eating cookies, occassionally getting out to stretch my legs or being forced to walk to get gas.

he’s said we’re walking our individual paths and if those paths happen to cross, then great - if not, it’s okay. he did this skit that i’ve been thinking about a lot. and maybe he didn’t think about it when he wrote it, or maybe it’s about something else compltely but one quote always comes to mind, “she guided us here. she knew the way.” maybe in some subconcious connection it’s like i took him down this path. maybe i’m forcing him down it - or maybe he feels like i am.

he told me he loved me, that he was in love with me, within two months of us being together. which he himself knew was weird and maybe inappropriate to say. is it wrong now to ask at nine months what we’re doing?

it’s not really about seeing him tomorrow. or the day after. or next week. it’s about how long in the future will i see him and to what proximity can we work towards that being. i want to try and see a future. maybe thats a positive thing even. maybe thats why its pressing on me as much as it has been. i want to see a future. i want to see what will happen in six months. i want to be here in six months; not “here” but like, existing on the planet. and i want to plan in some way for that. i’m feeling like change needs to happen. i’m also spinning my tires, if i’m being honest about myself. i’ve been picking at smal things - cleaning out closets & organizing things that are meaningless, cutting my hair & just being hyper detail oriented because i want change. i’ve even come so far to accept giving up my cats. i’ll keep them for as long as possible but i think i’ll live if i have to do something about owning them. i’ve cleared out a lot of things i own because theyre not useful or old or broken and it’s left me with the necessities and a few other things. i feel like i could let go of more and live fine. i’d almost like to live in a room again. but maybe it’s just feeling the big emptiness of this apartment.

within a thin veil of positivity though is still a deep depression. i do feel like its a daily battle to do even the bare minimum. i have a really long way to go and i know that and the support i’ve been given has been top notch. i couldnt really ask for better from someone who doesnt really have that much of a connection to me outside of the one weve recently built. hes been a truly amzing human being. he has really not asked for anything in return either, but i dont think ive given him a reason to.

i managed to help organize a show & make a book cover for a published book this year amidst the worst depression and health issues of my life because i’m still trying. i’m still fucking here. i truly did not want to be and i’m a little hesistant now but i’m still here. and i’ll be here tomorrow. i guess in some ways i feel like .. imagine what i could do with a little hope? beyond support now; what about hope? just something that could make me believe that what i want is in my future and if its not then let me move on. let me grieve and move on. i fear loss in my life and i think those who know me fear loss in my life for me as well - like it’ll have to be a life long bond now that we’re friends. and maybe sometimes i’d even like it to be, but i know friends come and go.

on a personal level i feel like he’s kind of my best friend and someone whos one of a kind to my life not becuse he’s so unique but because hes so similar. he’s truly normalized alot for me and allowed me to feel like an actual human and not some demented version of one. i will honestly cherish knowing that. so i have no problem hanging out with him regularly. i truthfully see him about 4 hours a day, where he may also be playing video games for atleast half or more of those hours. which is fine, but i wish he’d recognize that despite me being there, its nothing really special.

i know he loves me. and i guess hes so good in so many other ways that it’s even hard to point out these things because i dont even want to paint the picture that this is some lazy uncaring jerk. he works all the time and gives alot of his free time to me when he could be alone or with others. and i appreciate and respect that but i feel even after nine months i’m intruding. i want to feel comfortable. i want to know i have a place with him in his life. but right now i’m just.. there. just this little shadow that he sometimes has.

professionally i know if i shake my haze and harness the lessons ive learned and shed my own perceptions, i’ll build to something worthy. maybe financially viable. i dont know if itll be stable, i dont know if itll be a lot but i know i can do something. ive truly created something people believe to have a competitive edge and ive realized that knowledge i have is beyond the general public. i can do something very real and very serious and i believe even the people around me know i have the power to do that but i’m fucked up just enough to linger in the background; always lingering in the background.

can i sell a hypothetical? can i use it as a standing point - that i “know” somewhere in the future, i’ll be something more than this. i’ll have success in something, somewhere. you just have to trust and believe in me. which is just an odd statement to make and a really shaky ground to stand on.

i need to quietly refocus - regardless. and i say that hesistantly; “regardless” means nothing has changed or i’m just left with nothing on this end of the spectrum. i was already looking forward to doing work tomorrow and i want to / am trying to build the energy & desire to really go through with a fine tooth to step it up that much more. but this has a cloud over it as well. i could wake up and decide its all not worth it because theres no hope. i cannot fully achieve what i want to be and do alone.i am prepared to always trade myself and my variety of skills for non-monetary gains in my life to live with the success that i want.

my father told me that in order to succeed in school, you had to play their game. and thats applicable to much of life - life is a long drawn out very complicated with questionable rules game. maybe with some pieces missing as well. and if you figure out a way to play the game, you’ll survive. you might win, but most will just make it to the end. some get taken out too. some just dont figure out how to play the game. have i? i dont know. but i’m putting faith in my method because i entered the game slightly too late and dont have time or resources to catch up. i guess unfortunately part of the plan is convincing someone else to invest their time and resources into my plan.

am i talking about business or romance now? i cant even remember.

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