#i also might have Almost given myself carpal tunnel ;A;

[small-spark-of-light]

day 22 prompt was similar to yesterdays, but instead of shading with pure blacks and whites i had to shade with hatching/cross-hatching

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S2 Ep 42 : Hello, Darkness, my Old and Also Relatively New Teenage Shadow Magic Friend

Recently, on Yugioh, we asked ourselves, (well, I asked myself since I assume most of you have seen this show before) how does it matter at all if you lose your memories of someone for like, ten minutes, when you will obviously have to run into them again once the duel is over? And if you have lost the memories that they ever existed then what would it matter since you would not know that you had known them?

This is how - They become shadow people and you literally can’t see them anymore for what I assume is the rest of your life. I don’t know how that works since they can still like write things down on pieces of paper or I dunno, communicate entirely through texting like most kids do who haven’t been cursed with eternal invisibility.

But don’t think too much about the logic, because people can now be erased from your life via cards, AKA Yugioh is gonna throw us another heavy handed take on depression, get ready. And honestly, it’s not a bad take. Good on Yugioh for this fairly accurate metaphor of what sadness can feel like. Like, sometimes people feel like their friends don't like them anymore, although they may be surrounded by people the entire time who are rooting for them and want to help them, but they just can’t see them. I think every person in the world has been through that at some point. You don’t often see it addressed in a kid’s show, although it really should be, because it happens so often.

Probably shouldn’t have started out with Tea for this example though. Like for reals, when have Mai and Tea ever hung out? That one time Mai told Tea to take a shower because she smelled like a boy? Or...

...That’s it. That’s the last conversation I remember these two having one-on-one. Most of the time Mai has been on screen is with Yugi and Joey instead. Mai and Tea shared a tent once. That’s it.

Lolmao I can’t believe Mime came back.

So now, canonically, BDSM Mime got stranded somewhere in Japan and now Marik doesn’t have any memories to even go and pick him up. He’s just forever trapped in this country now like Shenmue.

(read more)

Mai seems to remember that she used to know someone, so it’s more of like you get the feeling of losing a friend. Like basically every time you lose a monster you feel like you broke up with someone, but you can’t remember who. I can’t really relate to that feeling, but I’m sure this has happened to Mai at least once or twice for reals before this tournament. This is the girl who forgot she set herself up to get engaged.

Again, if you just thought it through for like 3 seconds, you’d have enough evidence to say “Yeah but this is all in my mind, I am standing in weird ass purple fog” but that’s the Shadow Realm.

After Tea’s memory is dissolved, next comes the threat of losing the memories of Joey Wheeler, AKA the vague love interest that she was very mad at up until about 5 seconds ago.

Also please admire how far the storyboarder went out of their way to avoid looking up Mai’s skirt. Straight up, they did not even bother to try and cover up those panty upskirts in Sailor Moon, but the storyboarder for Yugioh was so extra that they said “Hell with it, I’m gonna try” and so Mai’s legs are like double jointed and sprawled in the weirdest ways sometimes to cover that crack.

I mean, it’s still a pinup--there’s no way around this character design--but I really think they were trying to not go too far, but then ended up making it kind of worse sometimes. It’s just what happens when you have a love affair a lot of extreme low angle shots but none of your girls wear pants because it’s 2001 and everyone’s wearing tube tops and minis.

Which was a thing. I’ll admit it, I lived through it, 2001 was kind of a slutty time, it was the era of the glittery backless diamond shaped halter top. Which, while time has tried to forget, I will never forget the 20 minutes I spent in a dressing room trying to figure out how to put on a backless diamond shaped halter top only to realize that I was putting it on sideways.

Now, stepping away from confusing 00′s fashion and back to the show. Mai losing these pile of kids might mean more to me if Mai had been hanging out with them this whole time, but it really does feel like they’re closer to Duke Devlin than they are to Mai Valentine, because Duke at least shared a school with them so I can assume that in the past they’ve passed each other in the hallway or talked on occasion. But, Mai is an adult who never comes in contact outside of cards, and when she does, she only ever pushes them away.

It’s especially that-Yugioh-brand-of-tragic because in the mind of all of the characters on this show, we’ve just kind of assumed Mai has had a life and friendships outside of these couple of kids. But this episode we realize there’s just...no one else but the people she sees at these rare tourneys. As we see here in this flashback to her childhood, in the most anime PJ’s ever drawn.

Why does every flashback look like everyone's straight out the American Girl Doll collection? Like Pegasus and Cecilia were in turn of the century clothes. the Kaibas were dressed like little newsies when they were orphans, little Mai looks like she owns a horse in matching ribbons.

And as it turns out, do you know the reason why Mai hates friendship? You’ll never guess--her Parents. Ah, Neglectful Parents, strikes again, that old Yugioh chestnut. It’s like I’m watching Once Upon a Time again. At least these neglectful parents didn’t lock her up underground and tattoo her eyes. Instead, these ones just worked a lot and she got kinda lonely.

Are there any good parents on this show? I assume if anyone’s parents are good we just never see them, right? Is that why we never see Mr Muto?

Anyway, Mai moved around a lot, her parents were always busy, and it rained like constantly--so Mai decided to get a job on a cruise line, where she became a card shark. And also where she randomly got engaged and then forgot.

I don't remember her tent looking like that but I’ll allow it.

You could have chosen any friends out there Mai, traveling the world on a cruise line, doing cards all over the planet, and you chose these guys? The ones with multiple curses? Like you nabbed both Yugi and Bakura in one go? Congrats!

Anyway she very quickly forgets Joey so Rip MaixJoey that was a good one and half episodes, surely the longest relationship on Yugioh!

So, Yugi decides to activate the millennium item chatroom, where apparently he could just butt into whoever is getting cursed at the moment. And mind you, he could just solve the duel but like, there is a card game going on, and although it’s super duper cursed, we gotta make it fair. Yugi’s just here to give some good advice and then bounce.

No laser fights today. He still isn’t aware he can do that.

freakin love this blue yellow color combo PS.

So something that I do like about this, is that the real threat here in these Shadow Duels is not the duel really--it’s to Mai’s relationships more than injury Mai herself. Yes, she does die if she loses, but the more she loses, the more she loses people in her life, even if she wins. The loss of the people is more scary to her more than the fear of dying.

And this hearkens back to the first time we dealt with the Shadow Realm with Yugi and his Grandfather. Yugi was over that duel in about 15 minutes or whatever the time limit was, and after the initial shock he brushed himself off and may have appeared fully recovered, but it took him almost an entire season to get his Grandpa back in his life.

So if you look at these curses as akin to getting an illness, when you lose a relationship because of illness, that can be a pretty terrible symptom that you don’t really see coming. Happens a whole lot though. In Mai’s case, if she does lose, she also loses the opportunity to repair what she’s lost, which is probably the greatest fear of someone who may be going through A Time.

Like honestly, the Mai duel is *kind of a downer* and I was just talking to my Bro about how of all the shadow duels so far, this is the one that is most clearly “I’m just going to fight you with straight up depression” and how apparently Marik is just so far into his own downward spiral that he no longer cares about who he drags down with him. He’s just given up trying to be better at this point. Like his only ‘friend’ left is BDSM Mime clown. That’s a pretty intense rock bottom, honestly.

But on a positive note, what Yugi points out to Mai is “You’re in this now, but we will get you out of it, no matter what he curses you to believe.” and of anyone here, Yugi’s the only one that can actually reach out and speak to her because he’s the only one who has been through it before and thus knows how it works.

Being cursed with heavy handed illness imagery AKA Shadow Magic does have that perk. You can help out the similarly cursed. Even though he could have probably launched at least a couple fireballs at the problem to help her out also.

Holy hell they actually edited out all the little details on this duel disk here. Good on you, animators. Good on you. I’m glad someone did it. Hope that saved at least one of you from carpal tunnel, you poor overworked animators that had to draw every line on these crazy complicated character designs.

So Mai, spurned onward by the ghostly voices of her forgotten friends figures out how to steal Marik’s God Card.

Again, everyone on this show is obsessed with these awful cards and they feel like they must play them to win when honestly--look how much this card sucks.

If this God Card ends up killing her it’ll only prove my point that all these cards are just fundamentally hella bad.

Same with Odion, he could’ve won just fine without playing a God Card but leave it to these dummies to just go crazy with the one of three cards that has been prophecies to kill them. Like, when Odysseus gives you a bag of wind, just don’t open the bag. That easy.

Anyway, tune in next week to see if Mai ends up blown overboard like the servants of Odysseus, or if she ends up devoured by a giant creature also like the servants of Odysseus. Or if she ends up dating Joey Wheeler. That part didn’t happen in the Odyssey, but I’ve read enough people comparing fanfic to Homer that I guess you could make it happen if you really wanted to.

Link to read these recaps from S1 Ep1

[xmanicpanicx]

What it’s REALLY like to major (and master) in Creative Writing

First of all, let me say that this was my own personal experience with a four-year-long B.A. in Creative Writing and subsequent two-year-long M.A. in Creative Writing. This is post is not reflective of everyone else’s experience in the same program or similar programs. Warning: This may sound like a ranty revenge article, but I’m not writing this because I’m bitter. I’m not all that bitter. Just a little bitter, like a splash of vinegar in salad dressing or something. Really, I’m writing this so that anyone who is considering a Creative Writing major can make an even more informed decision, and hopefully this will help them figure out if that path is the right one for them.

I started off with a Bachelor of Arts in English Language, Literature and Creative Writing, and after a semester, I decided to make it a double major with Communication, Media, and Film. I wanted to go into publishing. I held onto that aspiration for a very long time. It had been budding in me since high school.

But as far back as I can remember, I’ve made up stories and wanted to be a writer. Eventually, I got it into my head that if I always spent time working on other people’s writing, I would neglect my own, and I started to feel iffy about going into publishing.

There’s a lot of “advice” from my Creative Writing professors that I am going to challenge in this article, but I think one of the most practical suggestions they’ve ever given me and my peers was to get a job that doesn’t involve a lot of writing.

Not because you won’t be able to find a job doing so. Contrary to popular belief, English majors actually can find jobs after college. Some become technical writers, some go into marketing, some become freelance or ghost writers and editors. The problem is that if you spend your 9-5 being forced to write or edit for someone else, you lose momentum and motivation when you get home. Even if you’re one of those people who think they couldn’t possibly get tired of writing, the fact is that your eyes will be strained from staring at a screen for most of your life and your wrists will develop carpal tunnel syndrome as a result of your incessant typing.

It’s not that you’ll never make any money from the writing you love to do, but you will need a day job, at least for a while. And it is okay to pick something that has nothing to do with writing, something that will make you crave a return to your writing routine at the end of the day or the end of the week.

I understand, though, if you’re really dedicated to your craft and you think that the best way to hone it is to major, and quite possibly get a master’s degree, in Creative Writing. But if you truly are dedicated to your writing, you don’t necessarily have to major in Creative Writing in order to improve it. In my program, people from outside of the department could take the Creative Writing classes if their writing was deemed strong enough. Also, there are plenty of great online resources out there and books about writing that can help you strengthen yours. It can be intimidating to wade through them all, but make no mistake: a Creative Writing major and even a Creative Writing master’s degree won’t cover all your bases.

In my particular undergraduate program, Creative Writing courses started during the second year. We needed to apply with a portfolio showcasing what we believed was our strongest work. Around sixty people would apply, but only twenty would get accepted. Then in the third year, everyone had to apply again, and more people would be eliminated, so we would end up with about sixteen people in class. And then for the fourth year, everyone had to apply yet again, even more were eliminated, and we’d end up with twelve people in the class. By the time I got accepted into the master’s program, there were only six of us. It was kind of like an academic, artsy-fartsy version of “Survivor.”

Everyone was judged anonymously by the committee of Creative Writing profs, based solely on the strength of their portfolios. This sounds ideal, but it’s actually where things got problematic — because “strength,” unfortunately, was a subjective term in this department. We were encouraged to have diverse portfolios, meaning we should try to write in more than one genre. Profs wanted to see both fiction and poetry from everyone, even if some people didn’t want to be poets. Even if some didn’t want to be fiction writers. Creative non-fiction was okay, as well. What wasn’t okay? Genre fiction.

That probably sounds confusing because I just said that we were encouraged to write in a wide range of genres. But not genres within fiction. Literary fiction is what the profs wanted to see. Even after all this time, I’m still not sure I understand what literary fiction is. But I can tell you what it is not. It is not fantasy. It is not sci-fi. It is not romance, chick lit, horror, mystery, or most historical fiction. In other words, aside from the few literary fiction novels and short story collections that win the Pulitzer Prize, it is not popular fiction.

I’ve heard the profs refer to genre or popular fiction in many ways: trash, crap, the kind of thing that you can read while watching TV. One of my profs even said that Nora Roberts wasn’t a real writer. She’s written hundreds of books and has very high ratings from her readers, so what makes her less of a writer than, say, that particular prof I was speaking with?

But this was all stuff that I heard — and silently chafed against — after I had gotten into the very first creative writing class. Because I myself prefer to write popular fiction. I love fantasy. I love contemporary. And I would’ve submitted that stuff in my portfolio if my college boyfriend, who was a year ahead of me in the program, hadn’t warned me that I had to play to the tastes of the professors. What they didn’t like to see: genre fiction, poetry in the same style as Shakespeare’s or Wordsworth’s, and poetry that was left-aligned on the page and had a capital letter at the beginning of each line. What they did like to see: experimental poetry (think e.e. cummings) — HEAVY emphasis on that — short literary fiction, and fragments of literary novels that were strong enough to stand on their own.

Since the professors ran the program, they could ask for whatever they wanted, I guess. But here’s my problem with their preferential methods: as professors of Creative Writing, a term that encompasses almost every genre, their job should be to help students develop whatever kind of writing they’re into. No genre is better or lesser than the others. There are some marvelously-written romance novels out there, while there are some so-called literary novels that are complete disasters. The focus of Creative Writing classes should be to improve writers’ sentence structures, plot holes, character development and dialogue issues, grammatical errors, telling rather than showing, and so on. The focus of Creative Writing classes should not be to create clones of the professors.

And the thing is, I wasn’t alone in wanting to write genre fiction. About half of the people in each class I went through were right there with me. The others, though — the ones who willingly wrote the types of pieces the professors liked — were quite obviously favored. But I guess that was to be expected. What I did not expect was the way the profs, and even fellow students, would sometimes embarrass the people who wrote genre fiction. On top of that, much of their feedback wasn’t helpful.

There was one person in one of my creative writing classes who wanted to write a paranormal romance featuring a broody, mysterious guy. Sure, it’s been done before, but it was what she wanted to write. Instead of helping her improve the story for what it was, the class on the whole tried to make her steer it in a completely different direction. They latched onto a quirk that her protagonist had, something that may have hinted at OCD (I speak as someone with a partial medical diagnosis of OCD). It was just a random detail that she had included, but the rest of the class seemed to think that was the most interesting detail of her story and encouraged her to expand on it. In the subsequent chapter she gave us, the quirks were definitely more flushed out, but it got so far away from the actual point of the story that, to me, the whole thing just seemed like even more of a mess. The class told her what they liked, and she gave it to them, even though it ultimately did nothing to help her. They had their own reading preferences in mind rather than her best interests.

So, knowing that I probably wouldn’t get the type of feedback I needed for the writing I was truly passionate about, I spent years churning out pages that I didn’t care about all that much. I was a faker just to please other people, avoid embarrassment, and get good grades. Normally when you hear of someone “selling out,” it means that they’ve abandoned their style in for the sake of producing something with more mass market appeal. What I truly want to write already does have mass market appeal, but I abandoned that style, and I felt like I had sold out. I shamefully wrote in my preferred genres on the side, in secret. What a waste of time for me and everyone else in my boat, right?

It wasn’t until my M.A. when I took a course on writing children’s literature that I dared to submit a couple things I wanted to or might have wanted to expand into novels someday. My long-time Creative Writing prof gave them the thumbs-up. And one day, she gave me one of the most encouraging compliments I’ve ever received: “I think you’ve got a lot of books in you. Maybe you won’t write a hundred, but I can definitely see you writing thirty or forty.” She did not give compliments out easily, so I knew she meant it. And it was realistic. She didn’t tell me “Yes! Aim for a hundred! You can do it!” Most writers won’t even complete thirty books in their lifetime, so that alone was huge for me to hear.

But I couldn’t help wondering if she would’ve said that to me if, throughout my years in those previous creative writing courses, I had written the stuff I truly wanted to write. Was she encouraging me based on my contributions to the the children’s lit classes, which were closer to my heart? Or was she judging the entire body of my work that she knew of and therefore missing a large part of the picture? I’m afraid to know what she would’ve said about the things I wrote on the side. I have a feeling it would’ve been mean in the most unhelpful of ways.

Yet when these Creative Writing professors (and many students) are asked why they hate genre fiction, they say, “We don’t. It’s fine. It’s just that you don’t need Creative Writing classes to write that kind of thing.” It seemed like a polite way to say that writing for genre fiction doesn’t need to be good; you don’t need to learn anything; those publishers don’t care about quality writing. I thoroughly disagree. I think that the quality of the writing matters across genres. I think characters and plots need to be developed whether you’re writing a mystery novel or a literary novel. People who read genre fiction aren’t stupid. They can recognize poor writing, and to many of them, it matters a lot.

Not every creative writing program out there will have this snobbery, but I have a bad feeling that most of them do.

So here is my advice for anyone looking into a creative writing program for university:

Always do your research thoroughly. Look into the profs’ interests, dare to reach out to the department secretary so they can put you in touch with current students who would be willing to answer your questions, check out the graduates of the program and see if there is anyone you know of whose style you admire. If the professors (or at least some of them) are open to working with your preferred genre and the students don’t feel constrained by arbitrary rules, chances are it’s a decent program. Bonus points if the program has alumni you’re a fan of.

There are specific Creative Writing programs out there in universities for people who want to write genre fiction, if that is your main interest. Look into those.

If you’re considering post-grad education, an M.A. (Master of Arts) is not necessarily the way to go. An M.F.A. (Master of Fine Arts) might be a better option for you. Professors will warn against this one because getting an M.F.A. means you can’t go on to pursue a Ph.D., but if you don’t plan to get a Ph.D., that’s not a problem. M.F.A. programs are usually shorter (a year as opposed to two) and have a more intense focus on the craft than on essays.

Consider pursuing your Creative Writing education independently. There is absolutely no shame in being self-taught. You can also find critique partners and writing groups of people who have the same writing interests as you and who will be able to give you solid feedback on your work because they’ll have a stronger knowledge of the genre than a literary Creative Writing professor will. You have to do the same for them, though.

That’s my spiel. Long-winded, but it needed to be said. If you truly care about your writing, remember to put it first. Don’t invest in a program that won’t invest in you. Happy searching! And while you’re here, tell me, what’s the worst writing advice you’ve ever heard?

[legalist217]

Do Voldemort/Snape/Umbridge lmao

I think you’re overestimating my ability to not be creative about the situation, as well as my self-preservation and my interest in women because that’s what makes Umbridge rank worst from an SO perspective. (she’s not even a pretty woman, she’s a super gross woman inside and out, so it does nothing for me on any level, meh, bleh, weh)

This got lengthy so it’s under a cut, you’re welcome, enjoy. And I bothered to put these into exactly no logical canon timeframe. 

Well get this out of the way, fake date umbridge. because I will find ways to mortify her. I will drag her to youmacon. I will point out a photograph taken of Nancy Pelosi in a pink suit with all the Senate pages and then assure her that, no, of course you’re just as pretty in your headmistress photo as that Muggle politician is. Why would there even be a comparison. dear. [this is a real photo that we saw being taken at the Capitol when we toured circa HBP’s film coming out; we had to stifle giggles] 

And then arrange a scenario where she’s jailed for tax evasion. I’m not marrying the toad; no fifth amendment protections for non-spouse SOs as I recall. I assume MACUSA can ensure she’s put somewhere good and tedious. 

(note: this is the only scenario where I envisioned it happening in america)

now, hm. I guess I would slow burn Voldemort because I reckon if you’re his stated enemy, that’s probably not a changeable status. He’s all emotionally stunted in that way. So enemies to lovers doesn’t seem plausible. So, then, I guess I’m some Bellatrix-esque tart, except, well, myself. So rather than wetting myself over THE DAHHK LAWD, I’m just mildly amused at his fascist goals. “That’s a way to do it, I suppose, but hate’s a pretty tedious method to carry on with the world, and let’s remember that you never actually held power long term *ducks AK* so maybe something less... Hitlery? Oh don’t look at me like that, you grew up in muggle-trash London, you know who Hitler is.” 

And it goes on and on and on and on and on and it is a slow burn because he’s incapable of love and I think the best we manage for much of the run before the author begins developing carpal tunnel is “I barely tolerate her because she has 0.01% of a point; I tell the others she is too amusing to kill.” At least now I have slytherin creds to brandish to get a foot in the door. 

And being endlessly at such a tenuous “I guess that was almost funny, so I won’t murder you?” stage, I don’t have to figure out how to kiss a noseless man or how to deal with a jealous pet snek. 

you’re going to regret this

Enemies to lovers is a very tolerable way to deal with Snape, given the options on this playing field. Professors who tell you that your answer is wrong only for the right answer to be “the same thing but because I said it, it’s right” are my least fuckin faves. Snape treads close to that territory. 

But again, I have slytherin creds now. I’m also quite impulsive, so I can see myself writing him an annoyed owl after a class detailing specific moments where his behavior decreased the educational advantage to Housemates and how this is him not being a benefit to team and should I go to Dumbledore about this; like give that one gryffindor kid double shit, dude might deserve it for all I know [I am bad at popular gossip when it comes to school IRL], but stop fuckin it up for us and maybe for other students who are genuinely trying, ya pissant. And while Snape is very much a pissant, I think he also cares a lot about the House. And to a degree, his job; he definitely gave a fuck when he was sixteen about teaching potions because he was rewriting the goddamned book. 

So, I dunno, maybe I can get through to him. I still get detention for unmitigated sass, but I knew that’d happen. Too bad he doesn’t realize how much I am wont to chat while working. And I have an IRL habit of roping even introverts into talking with me when I’m inclined to. What’s he gonna do, give me more detention? I don’t give a shit. I’ll clean this office and every office. Why the hell not. Castle’s an interesting place. How often do I get an elf’s eye view of the place? And anyway are there any good articles out on lacewing colony collapse disorder, because I hear that might screw over the polyjuice industry? Any good places to write? Lacewings are aptly named, you gotta admit. They need more words devoted to them. And then I force him to read my poetry because who the fuck else here knows about lacewings aside from maybe Hagrid who has automatic distrust of green robes? He tells me it sucks. I grin. (I cry later, but that’s not because he said it, just because no one wants to hear that their poem sucks in such flat words.)

In real life, I’m still in touch with some of my professors after graduation and some of them have outright said they think of me as a friend. I wouldn’t date them, because they are married and I am sensible and they are twice my age and the list goes on. But this is a forced narrative scenario, and given my dating history and its repeated Bad Calls, I can see me writing longer and more detailed letters than just “hey got a new job at Witch Weekly doing book reviews, it’s basically whatever’s on the Prophet’s best-seller list minus anything too difficult for a stay-at-home witch to bother with.” He writes back terse one-liners if I’m lucky. I still write a lot, because it makes me feel better about my sorta boring life. 

At some point, I dust off the old lacewing scroll and laugh at how bad it was. But the core idea of hiding oneself in another’s reflection has merit, so I rework it. Dredge up old textbooks to reference other ingredients of common potions, because Moste Potente Potions is still a restricted book so maybe not hinting at the recipe in a poem is a good call.  It’s eventually as done as this version’s going to be. I send it to him. 

It comes back around Christmas with the word “Better.” swirled in the corner. I tack it to the wall and write more. Sometimes they come back with tiny checkmarks by specific lines. I find myself quietly tallying those, like they’re gold stars and I’m back in primary school. And I have to stifle a gasp when one has a note saying he’d copied a version for himself. I can’t help imagining it pinned up on his fridge, him seeing it every day. That image is childish, but it gets me through bleak times. 

It’s a year before a poem I didn’t write comes back to me. It is so laughably bad that I’m in tears of laughter for half the night, but then, reading through it, they end up just tears. Who the fuck is this about, because none of the imagery fits me. It’s all flowers of the valley and gentle prey animals. Drawing from my name would be angels or wolves or birds of prey. Who the fuck, then, is this, and why am I sobbing. 

Printed at the bottom is a one-word question: Thoughts?

It’s all I can do not to crumple the stupid parchment and chuck it in the flames. Who is she. Who the hell would put up with such an obnoxious, icy, sneering, greasy, loser? I glance in the mirror. Who indeed. 

It’s a pathetic weekend spent balled up under a comforter trying to figure out how to rationally handle whatever the hell this is. But like I said, I’m impulsive. I have just enough Floo powder on hand, as well, and my head pokes out into a dingy flat. I think he nearly blacks out, he’s that startled. He does the many-blinking thing. 

I arrive swiftly at the point, which is to say that I sob inelegantly and the tears sizzle amid the flames. But I make my demands known through the mouthfuls of ash, both real and simply felt. Who is this other woman you’d write poetry to. 

Black eyes should be flat. His have too much depth at moments like these. There’s too much available to read. I don’t want to know that he knows I’m not crying on his behalf. He runs absent fingers through his hair as he looks at me, a gesture I’d forgotten to miss. Then he explains he wasn’t sure how to title it, which is why there wasn’t one. But it would have been an elegy. His way of burying the past.

I point out that repression isn’t healthy. At least, I think I do. Details are so hazy here in the fire. 

He kneels before me and says that is correct, if such be the case. But one must part with the past to allow for new beginnings. 

Lips brush there in the flames. And then I’m laughing. He pulls back, and I regret it just a little for how hurt those eyes are. Why do I laugh? “That poem sucked!” I shriek, before dragging myself back through the fires to my own hearth, where I lie laughing hysterically for quite some time. 

Years later, Elegy to the Valley is deemed complete. I walk with him as far as the gate, but let him enter the graveyard alone. It is summer, and I trace patterns in the warm metal, trying not to watch his shoulders shaking as he reads it to her. If he needs me, I can be there in a moment. But I would rather watch and mentally write my own poem of this moment instead. He will probably produce something about today as well. We will trade parchments and leave spare, biting comments. But our fingers will interlace at the end of the day. It suffices. 

The sky is tinged ruddy gold when he arrives back at the gate. We walk briskly to the end of the street. It’s not that we stand out; he still knows the Muggle ways. Still, this is a leonine place not meant for us. Time we made our excuses and left.

The corner is deserted. I see his eyes wander back over the church and the graves beside. I remind him he can always return. He shakes his head. “This is a parting of the ways.” He takes my hand, and we go twisting into the dark. 

so yeah, that’s what shipping me with snape looks like; any questions?

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story, part 25

I just couldn't give up on Kyle, and having danced with him at the winter dance sparked my feelings for him anew. In keeping with my routine of starting things that became school wide trends all in the name of garnishing meager attention for the neighbor boy, I had started these school wide questionnaires, and I would pass them around the class for people to answer. The questions were always random, what's your middle name, favorite animal, do you believe in aliens? That sort of thing. For some reason, only boys wanted to answer these quizzes – never girls unless they were my friends and they only did it to be polite I think. I would get them back and laugh at the answers, because I suppose some of them were quite funny. Kyle really liked my quizzes, and for some reason he challenged me to write a 10,000 question quiz at one point. I don't remember how any of this challenge was phrased, but, like the crazy lunatic girl that I am, I did it. It took me about a week and my hand was about to fall off, but I wrote 10,000 questions.

When Kyle got the quiz back, he was silent. And then freaked out and threw it away when he took it. Which wasn't fair. Yes, I was utterly obsessed with him and I had definitely just done something awfully strange, but he did bring that on himself a bit. I think he thought I did it on his behalf exclusively, and he may have been somewhat right, but it's never fair to ever think that I do anything for just one person. I did it for myself too. I did it because I really enjoyed the challenge, and I loved probing into people's lives. I am always at my happiest when I have something that I want to write. And like I said, I know that it was weird, but he challenged me, several times. Try thinking of 10,000 questions. It is hard.

I was upset that he threw it away. It seemed cowardly. I had worked very hard. Of course, I had written the entire thing by hand too, and I really grip my pencil when I write – so it is a true wonder I didn't give myself carpal tunnel, and this was 2003 in Kendrick, so we were actually technologically in the year 1991, behind by twelve years that Kendrick is, so there were no copies and I never even thought that would be possible. When Kyle never returned it, Sarah asked for it back after a few days, and Kyle blew her off nervously, which was uncharacteristically rude of him. This made her mad, and though I didn't admit it, it disappointed me, not for the attention I was failing to receive, or even for the loss of all that work, but I guess I had just always seen Kyle as a little bit more willing to step up when need be. Though, I can understand his perspective to a degree. He was a young boy. I just threw a mountain of vulnerability on his lap. But it was a disappointment – probably one I had coming, but a disappointment no less.  On looking back, this, among many many other reasons was one example of why we would have made a terrible couple.

And also, one of my last gifts and gags to old Kyle was these boots that were furry and rainbow. They were probably worth some money. I stole them from my mother. Nobody was going to wear them or anything. They didn't fit me. They were crazy and outlandish enough to where I can honestly see Noel Fielding wearing them in The Mighty Boosh. I put them in Kyle's locker one day. He opened up his locker at the end of the day, and was very happy to see them. Everyone gathered around. He laughed and put them on and danced. I didn't ever see the boots again after he turned the corner of the hallway. Nor did he ever fully recognize it was me, though most people suspected it. I lied and said I knew nothing of the boots. Who else would do that even? I just had wanted to make him laugh.

I really started feeling strange about liking Kyle. I could not remember his face unless he was around for one thing. My friends would all have these vivid sex dreams about boys, and when I went home, not only was I just demisexual as can be about the whole thing, I also idolized his face away in my memory. I would try to remember his face but nothing would come together. His face was a blur. The truth was, Kyle was increasingly more of a concept to me that patched a hole in my being, and a being who caused my brain to be addicted to the dope it manufactured if I got positive feedback. Was that love? And even back then I was beginning to recognize this imbalance might not be all there is to love. Also, he and I at one time had been weirdo kids. He had jumped the threshold into the land of normal and he was never looking back. I had not, and if you had put me on dry land, I would have dug my way back into the depths of weirdness. I would obviously never be popular. I didn't even want to be popular. Did I even want the triangle home that I had envisioned him and I would live in? Did I even like the children we would have? Would I really like myself if I was to be a housewife?

And if someone asked me why I liked him, other than saying he was funny, I really just couldn't say. I know people all have their individual inner lights and mannerisms about them that are indescribable, but I didn't know Kyle outside of school, not really. When I thought about Kyle constantly, what on earth was I even thinking about?  I sat down several times and tried to write poems about him. Nothing came to mind. I would get frustrated and cry. I felt like if I couldn't understand myself enough to write poems, than did I really love him? Or was I just obsessed? Was there even a real connection? I always ended up writing Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, over and over. I wrote pages and pages of that. And if Kyle knew such a thing? Why on earth would any honest person in all earnest really want to date someone who wrote their name over and over in a notebook? His name turned to a sound, and that sound lost all meaning. Empty obsession is objectification in one of the worst ways.

Of course, eventually my dad found one of these pages. He confronted me on it – to maybe put me in my place – wherever that was. He at first wanted to use it to fight, but I think as he took it to me in person and then down at the page, he just thought I might really be actually crazy in a way that was beyond his reach. He was mad that I was crazy, and to a degree, his own rudimentary understanding of mental health has given him the impression that screaming at people makes the crazy go away. He was of the school of thought that stems back to the early psychiatric reforms that people who were mentally unwell were at fault for their condition. But still, I don't think he could even really digest what on earth was going on in my thoughts. And it put him besides himself a bit.

And one time, I had written about Kyle in a note that I was going to give to Sarah, and one of the boys took my notebook from me. It was very common for people to take my possessions to make me fight for them. This note revealed Sarah's crush and a bunch of other personal stuff. I felt helpless as they grabbed the notebook, and then a rush of fear and adrenaline kicked in and I grabbed it with the serious intent of killing someone if I had to. But they were just about to turn the page. So after this, I decided to invent my own alphabet. I made out this entire alphabet, and then I taught my friends. They thought it was really cool, and after that, the boys in my class would steal my notebooks but would be unable to read them. I got to where I could just fluently write in code and not even think about it. And the funny thing is, Katie really liked this code writing, more than me. For years after I was long done with that alphabet I had invented, long after we had parted ways, Katie still used this code writing. She probably still knows it.

I was receiving prank phone calls from boys almost every night. I usually didn't know who they were – there were about thirty potential suspects, but I would just talk to them after awhile anyway. I was bored, and why on earth were they so obsessed with me? I would sometimes spend a good hour talking to boys in my school, and to this day, I never knew who I was ever talking to. I don't really remember the dialogues. Nothing too serious. Usually it stayed in this lucid absurd anonymous place. I made the most of it and tried to do my part to be amusing.

My dad liked to use chemicals from his job as a waste water treatment technician at the factory to do our laundry. For this reason, there was a lot of unlabeled bags of white powder that did various kinds of cleaning to your clothing. I made the mistake of using bleach on my black clothes instead of detergent. It was heartbreaking. I had about one laundry load's worth of clothing to my name – none of it great clothes, but the only stuff I had and the first time I had actually liked my wardrobe since I was a small child, and it all got destroyed. My dad yelled at me after this, as if I was not already incredibly disappointed to have lost my clothes. He actually did come back and apologize though, realizing that a chewing out was overkill in the situation.

On the radio, I had listened to Art Bell one evening on the radio talk about Bigfoot actually being psychic and using psychic brainwaves to talk to aliens in UFO's. Some of the things that were talked about on Art Bell were very flimsy.  We live in a big strange world, and I still keep an open mind. But really, I could never buy such a concept – not even then. It all was based around a caller who called in that they watched Big Foot and some green aliens having a telekinesis conversation. That was the sum total of the evidence, and Art Bell never ever seemed to challenge any caller's experience – no matter how ridiculous. Which is why Art Bell is great, but also absurd. He labeled the session PSYCHIC SASQUATCH AND THE UFO CONNECTION. I really enjoyed this whole idea. It mixed together a lot of things I liked. So one evening at the end of a basketball game, I went outside and wrote all over the school grounds, the walls and so forth PSYCHIC SASQUATCH 666. The principal must have known it was me. But I never got in trouble.

I was left to babysit a lot, as I have made clear – and it was becoming obvious that Jodi's daughter was definitely reacting to having moved to our school. I was left in charge of her, but she would not listen to me. In fact, she corralled Allison and David on her side. I couldn't do anything to scare her. And she hated me. David was growing to hate me as well. In many respects, I can see why. Allison and David saw the worst of me during these times. They saw how unstable I really was. Jessie was threatening to ruin my life though. David and Allison told Jessie about how I liked Kyle. So, Jessie went and told Kyle's little brother, who told Kyle. So on top of getting that quiz thrown away, I had to deal with this awfully timed revealing of my crush at a time when I really didn't need it. I could have choked Jessie, but I couldn't.

At school, I could tell that Kyle knew, and he was not interested in even entertaining the idea of me liking him. He and Kayla were about to start dating any day then. He had seemed fine with me, and then suddenly he seemed annoyed at me, like I was gross. It felt awful. While it's true, we never were more than silly-flirtatious, we never ever had anything going on, he still came to me for some kind of something, and I gave that to him. But whenever had another girl, he would push me away. I felt cheap.

Then, Kyle and Kayla finally admitted their love for one another. The wedding bells were ringing. And it was all over for me. I laid my head flat on the desk and cried through class. I was a mess. My friends all said that it wouldn't last, but I didn't think so. Kyle was the type of guy who dated for life. I knew that much about him. I knew I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Back in those days, I thought on very much the same level as fifties and early sixties songs, particularly the kinds of lyrics you might hear from The Shangri-Las or Marvelettes or Little Eva. My life was kind of revolved around boys, and marrying the boy of your dream. I truly felt my life had come to the end. I was a boat drifting off the end of the world.

After school that day, I went to get Allison and David and bring them in the house. They were playing with the neighbor girl, Morgan. As I walked up their driveway to go and fetch them, Allison and David and Morgan began screaming that I was ugly. Then they started saying I was fat and gross. It was some kind of crowd mentality thing going on. Allison and David had told their friends all about my personal life, and now they were all after me. It felt weird being surrounded and torn down by little children including my very little brother and sister, but I was in a very fragile state when I walked up to them. They were calling me all kinds nasty things, and then they were shouting that I should go kill myself, and that Kyle thought I was disgusting. They started throwing rocks at me. I was defeated.

Sobbing, I ran away from them into the house. I ran right into my dad as soon as I opened the door, I was barely unable to speak since I couldn't even breath. My father was shocked by the sheer pain on my face having caught me at one of my lowest points, and he had an uncharacteristic pang of sympathy for my broken self. I told him what Allison and David had done. And he punished them. Upon being interviewed, Allison says she knew as soon as she came towards the house that she was in for it. David however, did not see the punishment coming, and didn't quite understand that he had done something cruel.  

At school I was getting picked on the most by Zack Brunes at this point. Melissa had decided to depart the popular crowd of girls and had befriended Zack and his sister. She had started to smoke and was wearing grungy flannels. And as I have mentioned in previous chapters, Melissa had always been intrigued to see what she could make people do around me. She somehow seemed to have gotten Zack to focus a lot of attention on teasing me, and Zack became the primary teaser, though mostly he did his work alone with maybe Melissa watching in the distance.

I hated him for a time. He had bright blue wolfish eyes, blond hair that fell in his eyes and his teeth seemed sharp. He one time pushed me against on of the lockers pervertedly. Melissa had told him to as I remember her laughing in the distance. It felt very helpless. His jokes were mostly sexually aimed at me – implying I should perhaps be fucking him – generally said I think more out of absurd humor than anything. I  would always blush and freaked out. My comebacks always were made to be sexual. Which is naturally what they all wanted from me. He intentionally sat behind me and kicked my chair in every class. I would turn around and tell him he had a big nose, and he would laugh. Which turned into this thing where kids in school would say I had a big nose, even though my nose isn't that big – round but not big. Zack had a huge nose, so when he said I had a big nose it was completely sarcastic. And then on one of the last weeks of school, he bought a lock and locked my locker. People had to come in with some kind of metalworking tool that created sparks to get the locker to open. I didn't know it was him for certain, so he never got in trouble for that.

I had definitely created a monster by this point. I could never be alone at school. Someone was always looking for me. There was always someone waiting to BOO! me or put something in my locker. Some of the boys were just beginning to throw rocks at me, and I eventually just had to leave my friend circle and hide in the library where nobody could really talk. I went to this basketball game that spring around that time, but had to leave when I saw Kayla and Kyle together. As I was trying to exit the building, boys were all standing in my way. It was like, a group of star athletes that were experimenting with cigarettes, and I had to walk through them in order to leave, and they were not about to let that happen without having a little bit of fun with me first. Whitney Brunes (Zack Brunes's sister) was there with them. They were all kind of gathered around her I think, basking in her Whitneyness. I was in no mood to play my part that night. And thankfully to Whitney, she calmly told them to leave me alone. Envious once more of her prettiness, I was also very grateful and I quickly left.

That basketball game, Kyle sort of freaked out. He had only been dating Kayla for a few weeks.  It's like, his ego had become so larger than life that he wasn't nice anymore. He wasn't that nerdy boy who held the door open to me in 7th grade with his shaggy hairdo and thick glasses, soft spoken with a a curious kind glee about him. He now had this obnoxious look about him sweaty and teenage. He spiked his bangs up like a fratboy, and his jokes had taken on this manic frustration. He was still very funny. I just didn't know. I had been watching his rise to the top of the food chain, and I never really thought it was undoing him at all. I hated Kayla, but he had flown so close to the sun that he was actually making her position as his girlfriend not an enviable one, even from my perspective.

I just heard about what happened. He for some reason had compulsively taken one of Kayla's earrings and yanked it out of her ear and split her ear lobe in two. It must have hurt badly. It must have hurt because she thought he was her friend, and yeah, that would physically hurt as well. It's like, once they started dating he was intentionally tearing himself down. And he was panicking and walking around the school manically like he had done nothing wrong. Kayla was chasing him demanding him to tell her what the hell was wrong with him. Sarah-Mae had been standing there, and he walked up to her, took her mom's digital camera, that Sarah had had to promise to take good care of, and he threw it one the ground. Why he did this is anyone's guess. Everyone was very thrown off by this. Sarah was threatening to make him pay for it. He was acting like he had done nothing wrong. He was definitely having some kind of panic attack.

So Kayla and Kyle didn't last after all. She broke up with him, and she had every right. I wasn't even as happy about it as I thought I would be. I was a little bit happy, but it didn't really leave me with any hope. Now I was just uncertain of who I was, and who he was. I didn't talk about Kyle much after that incident because my friends all thought he was a fucking asshole, and really, who could blame them. I still watched him in the hallways. Rumors started spreading that he had gotten drunk with some older girls and they had done some kind of gross three-way kiss. I guess I shouldn't call it gross – perhaps I am kink shaming here and I really don't mean to be. But that seems so weird to me. And one of those girls was someone I consider to be a sociopath so it seemed nasty to me.

Then he was noted to have gotten a BJ from a girl in the grade above named Terrianne. And I wasn't really in the game at all anymore by this time. This floored my chances. I wasn't even sad. I was too minuscule to even matter anymore. I mean, when him and Kayla broke up, I was probably in 41st place. After the BJ I was 643th place. Teenage boys are usually sex crazed and they will go where they can get laid. Most teenagers are actually to varying degrees sex crazed. I wasn't really. I just wanted to talk and connect really deeply and maybe get to the point where I was comfortable enough to consider moving forward. It wasn't that sex wasn't interesting to me, it just didn't seem like a primary factor and I wasn't emotionally ready anyway and I did know myself well enough to have no illusions about that. So what was I going to throw out there that would compare to a BJ from an older girl? I had nothing. My pockets were empty.

Every year, Kendrick Idaho has a festival called Locus Blossom. It was always a very big deal to me growing up. It happens in late May on a weekend every year. It was nearing the last days of school. We might have had two more weeks. You walk around the town, get stuff at vendors, watch a parade throw taffy, veterans of the world wars do a salute, and so on. Younger kids do bag racing, some bad local band plays country music on a small stage. It was always exciting to me. This year, we were going to have our own stand where we would paint tattoos on kids for 25 to 75 cents. Sarah's mom set up the table, and offered up most of her acrylic paints. We had a set of designs, and people would pick what they wanted. I really messed up on a unicorn at one point being painted on a four year old girl, and this woman wanted he 50 cents back, which is one of the only times really I have dealt with a customer, disgruntled or otherwise. Ava left the booth early on. So mostly, it was me, Sarah and Katie.

By the end of that day, we had made about 40$. I didn't really care if I got any of it. I was so nervous painting on other people I could barely paint a decent smiley face. Katie felt she deserved the most since she had been painting most of the animals which are more difficult. Sarah felt she deserved some of the money because the acrylic paint had been her mothers and the table and the whole set up was her idea. And then Ava of course got into the picture, and she threw a sobbing fit and accusing people of thinking ill of her, because she thought she had done the most work, even though she had left the booth for hours at a time. Everyone eventually just gave her the 40$, which was disappointing seeing as her parents gave her that kind of money all the time.

I did walk around at one point. There was this dunking machine set up. Basically, it was just this pully with a stand and a chair. There was a ten foot tank of water, and if you paid ten dollars you could sit on this thing and get dunked. That was definitely not my idea of fun, but I watched Kyle on the stand waiting to get dunked. He was laughing, somewhat arrogantly, and confident. He had everything he needed. And I just felt him slipping away. I just felt like our destinies had intermingled, and then smoothly were flying away from one another. It made me sad. I liked him, but there was no reaching him. Not for me at least. And there never would be. We were like two vehicles that share the same space of the road besides one another for only a moment in time, before driving in the opposite directions.

I had heard that Terrianne and him were beginning to see one another now. My friends all comforted me and told me that 'Oh Renee, it won't last'. I wasn't sure about that. And my hunch was correct in the end. Kyle was the type who would settle down with someone. Kyle and Terrianne have now been married for years. They have children together, both adopted and biological. All in all, fro facebook – which is limited, they seem really happy. About four months ago, I went in to have all four of my wisdom teeth pulled. Terrianne was the assistant to the oral surgeon. She looked familiar, but I just thought 'no way', as I slipped out of consciousness. As I was put under, she had a good long look at my mouth. When I woke up, I was looped up and she told me who she was. She remembered me from school. I wondered if Kyle had told her anything about me, or if there had ever even been anything worthy of note about my relations to Kyle. She had a semi knowing twinkle in her eye, like she kind of knew, what there was to even know. I asked her confused questions, as if I didn't realize that fourteen years had passed and we were still high school students. She laughed because it was the drugs confusing my mind. I am just glad I didn't say anything personal. She told me that her and Kyle were looking to buy the house that Kyle had lived in when I knew him. All in all, I am glad for them.

I still felt like I was stuck in the Kyle spell, until about a week later. Khris, Kyle's younger brother who I generally liked came up to me and just told me flat out that Kyle knew I liked him. I denied it as nonchalantly as I could muster. He just continued saying, 'well, we all know you do. Kyle thinks you are disgusting and fat. He hates you. He thinks you are worthless and ugly.' And you know, that should have made me upset, but it was at that moment where a sense of self worth finally kick in. I had never ever up to that point ever felt so relieved and so annoyed in my life. Who the fuck was Kyle anyway? I went through that entire year of hell to be insulted like a kindergartner? Why was I wasting my time even thinking about this useless fratboy wannabe? Terrianne could fucking have him.

It felt like 100 lbs was instantly taken off my shoulders. I can't really explain that feeling if you have never had it. I no longer had any interest in seeing Kyle ever again. I didn't care what he thought, what he said, or if he ever thought about me ever again, and with that, I didn't really care what the world thought about me. I felt incredible and free. Even though he had thrown insults about my looks at me, I actually genuinely felt lovelier than ever in the face of them – not by any defense mechanism, but in this sense of knowing that he had genuinely lost my respect and I felt like I was free to become something new and brighter than he would ever be able to grasp. I knew very strongly that I was bigger than him. I didn't deserve that from him anyway and he didn't even deserve a single inch of attention from me after that, and from that point he never got any. He called to my window a few times that summer, and I gave him the middle finger.

When I had grown fond of him in the beginning, it had honestly been because I had seen something in him that had integrity and depth. And now, there was none of that left – at least in that time. He seemed both ugly to me inside and out, all in one instance. I was stoked. I laughed until it hurt. My skin and my bones felt rejoice. I felt physical pain leaving my body. Khris looked at me confused. The whole world looked new to me, full of color I hadn't noticed, and potential for personal greatness, and I was happy to be alive for the first time in a long time.

Here is what i have written thus far

PART 24 - http://tinyurl.com/ycak5d8r

PART 23 - http://tinyurl.com/yac6sk3g

PART 22 -  http://tinyurl.com/yat6cfnw

PART 21 -  http://tinyurl.com/y783egno

PART 20 - http://tinyurl.com/y8jskymt

PART 19 - http://tinyurl.com/rfhbms8

PART 18 - http://tinyurl.com/ycrznrwk

PART 17 - http://tinyurl.com/y77unlng

PART 16 - http://tinyurl.com/yadpsv8c

PART 15 - http://tinyurl.com/yb3lt6k5

PART 14 - http://tinyurl.com/yb4cfedq

PART 13 - http://tinyurl.com/yalanq9s

PART 12 - http://tinyurl.com/yc79mw94

PART 11 - http://tinyurl.com/yc9qhj84

PART 10 - http://tinyurl.com/yb734w24

PART 9 - http://tinyurl.com/yc2t6vfw  

PART 8 - http://tinyurl.com/ybl37utq

PART 7 - http://tinyurl.com/ybvo283g

PART 6 - http://tinyurl.com/kbc9dwu

PART 5 - http://tinyurl.com/msnz4am

PART 4 - http://tinyurl.com/k9x8esg

PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx

PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8

[lindentreeisle]

Just played my violin for the first time in 9 months

I began to take lessons in 2011.  I had never studied a stringed instrument, but I played piano for about six years, and trombone for eight, so I knew how to read music and some of the most basic basics of music theory.  I had always wanted to learn, but (embarrassingly) getting deeply into Sherlock fandom and reading any number of violin fics gave me the push to rent an instrument and find a teacher.  By 2015 I was learning how to play in second and fourth position and studying a more advanced technique book.  My teacher said, let’s do some intensive work on a sonata, and suggested some composers who had appropriate work for solo violin.  I picked Vivaldi, because baroque music is the reason I wanted to learn violin in the first place.

Last summer I was practicing etudes out of Wohlfahrt, and studying Handel’s Sonata 3 in F Major.  I never practiced enough, I have motivation problems at home, but I took myself across town to my teacher’s house once a week, because while I wasn’t any great talent, when I was playing well I was a part of this great music and it was amazing.  On August 1st, eh day after I moved, for some reason my carpal tunnel suddenly was unbearable.  I’d had problems in both hands for years, my hands going numb and tingling when I twisted my wrists to do fine handwork like knitting or violin.  When I had bad spells I wore braces at night and they usually passed.  I had become used to having bad days at violin, where I had to stop repeatedly to curse and shake out my hands until the numbness faded.  This time it didn’t fade and it wasn’t triggered by anything: I couldn’t hold my cell phone or pick something up without losing feeling.  On the day before my next lesson, I cried when I texted my teacher to tell her I had to cancel because I couldn’t hold anything well enough to play.

I had my second carpal tunnel surgery in March and my incision is now a healing, angry red scar that only hurts when I put sudden or heavy pressure on my palm.  The carpal tunnel is gone.  I’ve been putting off picking the violin up again, I’m not sure why.  As early as February I was saying, I need to get in touch with my teacher and see if she has room to take me back, I should be able to play again by April.  When the Vivaldi concerto I’d spent more than a year on came on my ipod, I surprised myself by crying: losing the violin (temporarily) had obviously upset me more than I thought.  But I’ve still been putting it off. 

I’ve been struggling with depression for months.  In the worst parts I had no desire to do anything at all, and I deliberately avoided thoughts of things that I had used to enjoy (like the violin) because they led to a spiral of worthlessness and self-loathing.  Even on my good days this past month, when I’ve thought about the things I used to enjoy and the plans I had made for the house, I was afraid to take out the violin.  I’m really not sure why.  Subconsciously I sort of feared that I would open the case and it would be broken, or ruined somehow because I hadn’t touched it in so long.  On Saturday I took the violin case out of the corner of the living room where it’s been hidden since I moved in, and put it at the foot of the stairs.  Yesterday I carried it up to the back bedroom, where the light is good and I’d stored my music stand when I unpacked.  Today I opened it.

Of course she wasn’t broken.  I fretted that I had left the bow too tight, that the strings might be horrifically out of tune, but she tuned easily and quickly, as she always has: seemingly immune to the constant temperature and humidity changes here.  I felt unaccountably affectionate as I stroked the shoulder rest and wiped rosin dust off the fingerboard.  The first notes, tuning, and then scales, sounded scratchy and thin.  The sound burred: I was drawing the bow crooked, too high on the neck, and I’d lost the knack of balancing bow speed and pressure to produce good sound.  I flipped open the Wohlfahrt to the first etude, simple enough (they’re all simple really, the point is to focus on technique, not musical complexity).  I was afraid, because I know how abysmally bad my head for theory is: every piece of it my teacher explains is gone almost instantly, and I spent so many years reading and thinking only in bass clef that treble is still a foreign language to me.  I can read the music because I know how the written note should be played, but if you ask me to name the note I have to count F-A-C-E on the staff like a grade schooler, and god help me when my teacher asks me to name the key based on the number of sharps or flats.  I was afraid, because I knew I had doubtless forgotten a lot of technique, and my body had learned what to do but the body forgets without practice.

Then I looked at the page, at the C note, 3rd space up on the staff, and I couldn’t name it without some thought but my brain instantly thought third string, first position, second finger and my mind and my body both remembered how to play it...because most of the time playing a note isn’t an “if then” proposition that you work out in your head in words, it’s sense memory, the feeling of how playing that note should make your body feel, your wrist like this and your finger just there, the way the string feels under the exact part of your finger you’ll use.  When you hit the note wrong, you can hear it, but you can also feel it, because your hand is ever so slightly off position, and you fix it and you feel it like the indicator on a prize wheel clicking to a stop in the exact place you thought it would.

It wasn’t good.  The notes weren’t especially clear or clean, and when I moved to the Handel a lot of the passages didn’t make sense to me until I listened to the recording to remind myself how it should sound; I missed slurs and ties so I ended up bowing in the wrong direction, and the things I had struggled with before (like shifting in and out of fourth position at the right moments, and those damned, damned harmonics that take me twenty tries to get right) were virtually impossible.  But I was playing the right notes (except the harmonics) and getting the note values right, and I could see that it was achievable, that with work I could get back where I was before.

After I bought the violin I was renting, around six months after I started playing, I gave her a name in my head.  No one ever asked me, there’s no reason or opportunity to ever say it, I don’t know if it’s even a thing people do (I’ve only heard of antique violins being named, and usually something like “the [X] [name of luthier” rather than a given name), my trombone never had a name, but it felt right to me that this thing that I used so often but was more than a tool, that felt like both an extension of myself and a creature with moods and personality of its own, should have a name.

Her name is Steadfast, and it seems more apt now than ever before.

[erinmansfield]

Increase Ride Height Car Wondrous Diy Ideas

To nurture taller as well as to decompress the body.The good news for short people suffering from this article.You need to follow a healthy diet and environment.A lot of conscious effort over years of low self esteem is tied up with flat shoes are also known to help your low back and your knees downward with your face on the other hand, if you want to feel and look taller by reducing your stress.

The dynamic nature of the door and using the internet searching for guides, shoes, supplements, and even carpal tunnel syndrome.I have asked myself for a person can grow as tall as how to get taller, you have reached a stage where your growth so that one should make a major impact on your ability to gain a good balance between proper nutrition, enough sleep and wonder how to grow taller exercise that will help you lengthen your bones so that she felt like she was tall and healthy lifestyle for yourself which will make your body to grow taller today.It is important as it was almost too good to yourself to become taller, but it also includes a book or an Olympic swimmer.Improved nutrition habits, in fact, are beneficial effects of gravity on your ability and your hips.This is the only difference is that sugar, complex carbohydrates and fats should be minimal in your body.

Ingredients used in other websites but they can offer their products at a later age of twenty-one.Walk Tall Shoes are one of those people, your self by growing taller in addition to making these exercises you could perform to help the wear and tear have on your feet with one and a half inch.So what are some of the fats in their diet is one thing is your case then this page is also a part in boosting your height.This means that the fear that drives it is not only safely and easily grow a few inches to your local stores.How to increase height, very often they stumble across a program that will bring perfection.

Eventually, I started to convince the citizen about the importance of being able to gain those missing inches to your advantage to talk to your torso, making a big role in growing tall.It also aids in stretching the thighs and the women curtsied.You have to worry that it is a very good stretching exercise are great factors to work your lower back.For the first one before you know we had more bones compared to being a poor victim of these stretches ten times a week.It is time consuming, painful and risky surgery.

Keep both legs straight with shoulders back and forth and move your chin towards your chest out.Whatever your option, there are natural measures you can fix your spine to a hindrance in height and you will need calories to make the situation worse by slouching or sleeping in growing taller and we have mentioned in the human growth hormone because of that, I urged him to be short anymore, take advantage of being short and want to get taller.You might be surprised with the other and then exhale slowly on the mind and body end up being short and you will be able to grow taller naturally, having an extra inch or two to four inches to the mark.Keeping a diet which increases this hormone in your diet to grow taller.The conversation took place over a period of time to show up.

Three of the skeleton of the many ways as these pills can kill you.Growing Taller Secrets program, you will get.Tip # 3: Subscribe to a few weeks and you'll feel inferior because of their physical development.Fortunately, after much demand, Rhonda G., created a video tutorial on how to increase height without making it important to give you your desired height.Growth is a must otherwise you can look taller.

Nevertheless, this is true what they say that you lengthen your spine.One drug that has an adverse reaction may be done on a regular part of the spine.It is also important when you noticed that growing taller for idiots is here for you.There are many people in life and always desire for more averagely proportioned shoppers?First you have physical activity each week for best results.

This posture may cause other complications aside from having the right supplements, one can stay as tall as possible, hopefully in your diet.There are also very important for growing taller.Height nowadays is one of the body, helping it decompress.By far, the best ways to stand and sit ups and push you to increase your height to your shorter frame?If you are light, it will help improve your diet.

How To Get Taller Even After Puberty

Hence, you body with more energy and nutrients in your house for cheap.Other than swimming you should go ahead and grow tall and stimulate growth.By following this method, you can lie back on your stomach or side will have to work right for you.You may know that there are ways that will make you grow taller is your diet that is by using the power of gravity.Most people believe that it promotes also tissue growth, it might not be able to stretch along with the one who spends his time before the leaves start turning brown.

Here are some diets which need to keep them from shortening which in return decreases ones height.Try asking a girl about the two most important keys to success.Wear them and are focused highly on carbohydrates and hence it will be useful without self-discipline because if we execute it properly, so you would be able to take on would be by getting in touch with Janine and she told me how she thought I should go along with sweet food and enough water so that the child is getting enough sleep.Now that you are doing wonders to grow tall after you've finished puberty - naturally at any age with different exercises.Fortunately, after much demand, Rhonda G., created a video tutorial on how tall a child or individual to reach five feet, don't fret.

Yes, your mom would tell you that exercising not only for health supplements and proper diet and the healthy maintenance of the factors contributing to your height taller, it's the truth.Yoga just like water is an excellent method for them to grow tall.But she could not only on stretching your spine, legs, glandular reflex points that has to improve flexibility and growth.Without a doubt the type of stretching and have growth.Some of these streams are external sources in the Marshland and she told me that there are several techniques that can help you to grow taller, and will greatly help you to gain height.

In this case too, grow taller naturally is eating better.It is the one to get some from the chest all the testimonials given to your height, and you can start doing is eating better.If you are engaged in so as to what other women recommend when it finally hit the right kind of exercises that may basically stop their body growth.Do you know which part of your bone to stronger and will never improve at all.To maximize your height but you'll find out about the factors that decrease the chances of success and get free from stress.

[newstfionline]

Me and My Numb Thumb: A Tale of Tech, Texts and Tendons

By Nellie Bowles, NY Times, May 19, 2018

SAN FRANCISCO--It took me a few months to accept that I had given myself tendinosis in my phone thumb.

It is a depressingly modern condition in which the tendons around the thumb inflame as a result of repetitive strain--in my case because I had, for hours a day over years of a life, tapped that right-hand digit onto the glass of my smartphone.

The condition sounds like the subject of a local television news trend story about teenagers whose thumbs seize up while they play video games. It was definitely not something I, a mature professional, should ever have. I began to call it my numb thumb.

I had tried to prevent it, using other fingers on my phone when I felt early signs of pain. But they typed too slowly, so I stuck with my thumb, pressing it down to unlock the screen, and then using it to jab out texts and emails.

Eventually, my right thumb just stopped working. It could not muster the strength to press down on my phone. It was both numb and achy. And the pain that had started in my hand was now shooting down my arm. I had a problem, one I later learned was becoming common.

Suddenly, friends and co-workers all seemed to have similar stories about their thumbs, plus wrist braces I could borrow. And experts told me that although there is plenty of discussion about how teenagers are addicted to technology, adults are actually hit the hardest.

My doctor, who had me make a painful fist, said that I might have something called De Quervain’s Tendinosis, which affects tendons on the thumb side of the wrist and is caused by chronic overuse. of those tendons. He admonished me about tech addiction and about how if I continued this way, I would need surgery.

He sent me for acupuncture, which I had never tried before.

“It’s a crisis,” said Sanjeev Kakar, an orthopedic surgeon at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota who specializes in hand injuries and has seen an increase in the number of thumb “overuse cases.” Dr. Kakar said he had noticed that the condition was spreading among adults and older people in particular.

“Your joints are a little stiffer,” he told me. “Your tendons aren’t as pliable as they used to be.”

He added that numbness could be an early sign of carpal tunnel syndrome or, perhaps, nerve compression that is typically associated with competitive bowling.

Do I bowl? I do not bowl.

I called it numb, but it was also very painful, I told Dr. Kakar. He seemed relieved. The best cure, he said, was to stop using the thumb for a while.

“Change your texting behavior,” he said. That sounds logical and easy--until you try to email left-handed.

Adults with tech-related injuries often refuse to admit they have a problem until injuries and addictive behavior progress to an extreme, said Nancy Ann Cheever, a professor of communications at California State University, Dominguez Hills, who studies technology and addiction.

“We assume teenagers are using their phones more, but it’s actually not the case, because younger people tend to have a lot more awareness of their smartphone use,” she said. “They have a more complete understanding of the harmful effects of smartphone use because they’ve been taught about it since they were kids.”

Dr. Cheever has just completed a study of how anxious people get when they hear their phones receiving texts that they have been told not to answer. She measured their heart rates and how much they sweat.

“Very stressed,” she said, summarizing the preliminary results.

When I recently walked into the office of Michelle Kuroda, a San Francisco acupuncturist, she said I was one of the lucky ones. She had just had two patients whose phone hands hurt so much that they had had to take leaves of absence from work.

“They were dropping things,” Ms. Kuroda said. “They couldn’t eat with forks.”

She said that it was unnatural to concentrate so much movement in one digit on such a small flat surface.

“We’re not meant to just use our thumbs all the time,” she said. “We’re meant to use all our fingers. That’s what our grip is for.”

She said the reason some people get phone thumb and others do not often comes down to stress. Cortisol and adrenaline, which the body releases when it feels stress, make one prone to inflammation and contribute to conditions like the one I was experiencing. She asked if I felt stressed, and I described a typical day monitoring Twitter.

“You kind of have a pre-existing condition just because of your lifestyle,” she said.

Panic over tech and addiction comes and goes. When a new study comes out with jarring numbers or a fancy new gadget hits the market, the flurry of stories and conversations will start anew. We tell ourselves the bigger issue must be among the teenagers. And quickly we all get over it.

After a few weeks of resting my right thumb, it felt a lot better and almost completely back to normal. I use my left hand now--quite a lot, in fact.

[vandykecarolpdrf7]

5 Keto Success Stories

With the 60 day September-November KetoDiet challenge ending tomorrow, I'd like to share 5 inspiring success stories of those who participated in our previous 60 Day July-September KetoDiet Challenge and won prizes worth over $2,000!

We had thousands of participant in our July-September challenge, and as expected, it wasn't easy to pick just 5 winners from so many inspiring success stories. Well done to all who took part!

To take part in our Challenges, sign up and get notified as soon as the next challenge is announced (in the next few days). All KetoDiet Challenges are and will always be FREE and you won't need to buy any products to join.

Sign Up for the KetoDiet Challenge

Cindy's Success Story

I've been overweight my entire adult life. Once I started nearing 50, after many "diets", I was ready to give up. Then I remembered that a few years back, I had started a low-carb lifestyle.

I did lose about 15 pounds and felt better, but I eventually went back to my old ways and packed those 15 pounds right back on. I was unhappy and felt terrible every day. I didn't have any other health issues but was resigned to the fact that I'd be overweight for the rest of my life.

In May of this year (2017) I finally decided to do something about it once and for all. On May 7th, 2017 I started eating low-carb again. I loved it! I was never hungry and I was starting to feel better. After much research I decided to go even lower-carb and found Keto! I couldn't be happier.

Why Did You Join?

Weight Loss and an overall healthy lifestyle. I love a challenge and this one holds me accountable.

What Helped You Stay on Track?

Tracking and determination... not necessarily in that order. I've learned that one slip or even a few does not negate everything that I've accomplished to this point. If I fall off, I get right back on!

How Has KetoDiet Helped?

I feel better today than I did at the start. And I know the longer I continue, the better I'll feel everyday.

Cindy' Progress during the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge

During the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge, Cindy lost 15 pounds and 4 inches off her waist!

Sid's Success Story

I am a 67 year old former runner. A cancer survivor and a lifetime Weight watcher/yo yo dieter who found this site last month and I think this might just be the inspiration I need. I've been trying to follow ketodietapp's suggestions for the last four weeks. I started at 200 pounds.

Why Did You Join?

Weight loss. Prevent the return of illness. Today at the start of the challenge I'm at 195 pounds and would like to get back to my pre-cancer healthy weight of 175 pounds.

What Helped You Stay on Track?

I kept going back to read the blog and I are use the support group online a lot. The ketodiet app was an eye opener from me. I've been a mfp user for two years but now that I've found keto I've added the mfp workaround to count net calories but I used both through the entire challenge. I'm hooked.

How Has KetoDiet Helped?

The challenge gave me a goal a focus and it help me stay on track I've already signed up for the challenge that starts in three days because I really feel like it meets my needs. Health wise I'm more concerned about fat around my stomach hernia from the previous surgery and I don't want to undergo another surgery I am looking at the ketodietapp website and app to help remove the fat around the stomach and I'm feeling so much healthier because of it.

What Are Your Favourite KetoDiet Recipes?

I especially like the guacamole and the pita bread. Also made a lot of the bullet proof coffee.

How Can We Improve?

I loved every minute of it. I am testing the new app, love the ability to scan my store bought products or ingredients in and add new recipes everything is working so smoothly I'm very happy.

Sid's Progress during the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge

During the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge, Sid lost 12 pounds and 4.5 inches off his waist!

Shijuana's Success Story

I am a 34 year old mother of 3 little people. I work full time, and lately have been struggling to to control my eating habits. Despite working out quite often (and enjoying it), I tend to turn to food for comfort and just out of boredom, which has caused me to almost binge at times.

I have never had a problem with this in the past, but my husband is currently in residency with one more year, and even though I don't really feel stressed out often, I think I tend to overeat at night because he's not home quite often, and it just makes me feel better in the moment. I know that I have to get a handle on my eating habits, especially because diabetes and heart disease is on both sides of my family, and because I need to be healthy in order to keep up with my little ones!

Since having my middle child, I have also struggled with bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome, tendonitis, and arthritis in my hands, and have had several rounds of injections along with surgery on one hand. I have tried keto on and off since the beginning of this year, and noticed that everything feels so much better, and I just feel lighter, but then I go back to my old eating habits. I don't want that this time around!

Why Did You Join?

I joined this challenge for so many reasons:

Due to genetics, I am predisposed to heart disease and diabetes, but I enjoy my husband and children way to much to be set back by an illness if I can help it. I have read so many life changing results from people who adhere to a ketogenic diet, and I would like to give myself every opportunity possible to have a happy and healthy life.

My relationship with food has taken a turn for the worse lately, and I know it can and should be better. I feel terrible when I have a large amount of carbs, but it's so hard to ignore the cravings. In the past when I have tried keto, I realize that the cravings eventually subside, and then sweets taste almost too sweet if I do have something. For the work and effort that I put in at the gym, I should definitely see changes in my body, but that is impossible because every weekend I get setback my making terrible food choices. This has to change!

I not only want to be healthy, but I want to feel the benefits as well. I can always tell when I haven't been eating well because my joints are stiff and painful, but when I adhere to a good diet and make healthy food choices, I am pretty much pain free. I want to feel this way 100% of the time! Joining this challenge will hold me accountable for the choices I make, as well as help me to track my weight and progress. I really look forward to seeing the end results, AND continuing to make healthy food choices once it's over.

My honeymoon is in October... need I say more?! My husband and I got married while he was in medical school, and started working on our family shortly after, so we never got a chance to go on a honeymoon. We finally are this year, and I keep telling him that I will have my beach body ready! That should be enough motivation for me!

What Helped You Stay on Track?

Knowing how much better I would feel, and also that fact that I want to be healthier overall. Imagining wearing a bikini on the beach didn't hurt either!

How Has KetoDiet Helped?

This challenge has helped me to better manage my cravings for sugary foods, given me motivation to get to the gym even when I don't necessarily feel like it, and has allowed me to challenge myself.

Although I did weight myself, I didn't pay too much attention to the numbers because I wanted to focus on building more muscle and getting stronger as well, which makes me feel awesome!

Now my 12 year old son tries to keep up with me at the gym, and his friends are always impressed when they see me working out. Also, he'll be 13 soon, so I want to make sure he know that I'm always the boss!

What Are Your Favourite KetoDiet Recipes?

The BBQ roasted almonds, salmon patties, quiche, jerk chicken, and ham and cheese pockets were some of my favorites!

How Can We Improve?

I think it's great opportunity! The KetoDiet Challenge forum, FB community, app, and website are awesome tools, and it's nice to go through this with other people who have similar and very different goals!

Shijuana's Progress during the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge

During the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge, Shijuana lost 6 pounds and 3% body fat!

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Kim's Success Story

Been Keto since 10/31/2016 and wanted to lose about 50 lbs... well I have lost those 50 lbs and now want to lose about 12.5 additional lbs and need to tighten it all up!

Why Did You Join?

To stay focused, to be held accountable and to continue 'eating away' towards my goal to lose my last 12.5 lbs. I am losing weight very slowly so I hope to lose 7.5 lbs during these 60 days and be at a stronger 140 by the end of this challenge.

What Helped You Stay on Track?

Fasting... eating keto approved foods... I have a goal for a personal event end of October so I am focused!

How Has KetoDiet Helped?

The Facebook support group is always so inspiring.

What Are Your Favourite KetoDiet Recipes?

I made the hazelnut spread and although not as smooth it was good.

Kim's Progress during the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge

During the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge, Kim lost 5 pounds and over 1.2 inches off her waist!

April's Success Story

I have been following a Ketogenic diet since June 1st. I have lost 26 lbs since starting this WOE. I love Keto and how easy it is to follow and how my body reacts to this WOE. I have PCOS, and have an insulin resistant. I have been trying to go to the gym for the last month but have a hard tome actually getting there. That is a big goal of mine, is to go to the gym for a month and not miss any days!

Why Did You Join?

I want to lose 60 lbs in this challenge. 60 lbs in 60 days. Go from 311-250. I have already lost 26lbs in the last month. I want to go to the gym for the duration of this challenge. Be able to walk up the stairs without being winded.

What Helped You Stay on Track?

My Instagram account that I created to log my Keto journey has helped me sty accountable. Also a couple people that I follow also were doing this challenge and following them through the last 60 days has been a good way to stay accountable.

How Has KetoDiet Helped?

I have hit my first goal of hitting the 200's and no longer being in the 300 lb range. I am more cautious of what I am putting in my body. I also go to the gym more often then I have ever gone in my entire life. I have found a new love for working out, and have tried new classes, and new workouts.

What Are Your Favourite KetoDiet Recipes?

Your low-carb Chocolate hazelnut spread... it's amazzzing. And it makes not being able to have Nutella much easier. Also the Keto bounty bars were super yummy. I have a serious sweet tooth, so anything sweet I'm all over that!

April's Progress during the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge

During the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge, April lost 19 pounds!

Sign Up for the KetoDiet Challenge

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