#i always said that and I meant it. id never come to hate you because u were always afraid of it. like in

[barblaz-arts]

Stephanie Beatrice had played my 3 favorite characters (Rosa Mirabel and Vaggie) and since I watched Encanto and B99 I have my head canon that Vaggie have both Rosa and Mirabel personalities.

Any way, I just want to know what is your head canon or theory about her? ( specifically about Lute calling her weak and why the other exorcist hate her)

Since she is your girl, I would love to read your essay about her.(I’m joking you don’t have to write that much I just like to read your post)

Thank you

"My girl"... Am I just "that one artist who's the biggest Vaggie stan" to you guys? (I won't mind it!)

Oh man! I do have some ideas! A lot of my headcanons were already kinda sorta mentioned in my fic/art tho, so sorry if you're not getting a lot of new info

- I have this headcanon that Vaggie's always been "softer" than the other Exorcists, which is what I assume Lute meant when she said she "always knew [Vaggie] was weak". I know it probably has more to do with how little time each episode has, but what if Lute was so ready, already behind Vaggie when she let that kid go, because she knew this wasn't the first time Vaggie spared a sinner? Maybe that was just the first time Lute actually caught her. Maybe she's always had her suspicions, when Vaggie's kill count would lower every year, and she'd sometimes find Vaggie saying a sinner got away somehow despite cornering that demon moments ago.

- although she's gotten used enough to her lack of depth perception when it comes to her hand eye coordination, especially when fighting, i like to think her reading ability could never truly go back to the way it used to be, so she has trouble reading/ writing/texting (if you notice, i always showed instances of this in my fic ;> )But because she's the hotel manager she still has to deal with them because of paperwork and shit, so she has prescription glasses that help. I'd wanted to include a scene in the First Guest where Vaggie almost cries after seeing Charlie thru the glasses for the first time, because she didn't think Charlie could be any more beautiful, but i scrapped the idea because I couldn't expand the concept enough to an actual scene that could be relevant to the overall fic. I probably should have just mentioned it in a paragraph or something, but by the time i remembered id already posted the chapter I intended to add it in. Maybe I'll use it for another fic.

- she prefers femme clothing so she doesn't really have a reason to do this, but she learned how to do all kinds of ties so that she could do Charlie's whenever

- she grew her hair to compensate for her lost wings

- she wasn't exactly a great cook before she Fell, but she was pretty capable when she lived alone in Heaven. Cooking for Charlie tho gave her the motivation to get better and actually enjoy it

- an angel trait that she could never truly abandon is being a stickler for rules. She's very strict on everyone and herself with these things, within reason. So even when she and Charlie started dating, she insisted that they can't sleep together until they've had their third date. When they're on the clock, they have to be professional and avoid flirtatious advances in front of staff and guests. Charlie didn't mind because she prefers privacy too.

- Vaggie's physical appearance slightly changed gradually the longer she stayed in hell. As an angel, her sclera was paler, her incisors duller, and her skin grayer. But as time passed, her sclera got more and more peach/pink, fangs sharper, and skin more purple toned

- i still like to think that Vaggie's old backstory back when only the pilot was out (having died in 2014 in her early twenties who worked as a sex worker in El Salvador) was still true. Maybe it's just because I've liked Chaggie since pilot, and I've grown really attached to that backstory. I also just really don't want Vaggie to be Heavenborn for some reason. Among the cast she just seems the most grounded to reality to me, so having her revealed to have never been human and born "divine" just doesn't seem right to me. I also just think it'd be cute and funny if it turns out she's chronologically the youngest in the hotel even tho she's basically everyone's strict not-mom.

- idgaf what Adam says, I wanna think that "Vaggie" is short for "Evangeline". I used to have these 2 coworkers in their late 50's to 60's who had Evangeline as their government name, but one of them goes by "Vanj" and the other "Vajee". Being older Filipino women who aren't really too fluent in English, they never thought there was anything wrong with that when they grew up with their nicknames. I like to think that the case was the same if Vaggie used to be human. I'm not sure how common English is in El Salvador, but I'm willing to bet it's possible she could have been given that nickname as a kid by an older family member who didn't know a lot of English. Also Evangeline makes more sense to have been the name of an angel cmon now...

[k9emote]

My final response to every accusation made about me.

Hi. As basically, the entirety of emoteblr knows, I have had a lot of hatred, misinformation, and vague angry paragraphs thrown towards my community and me. Barely anyone has communicated what they're so mad about, but I'll try to stitch it all together from a few people who've spoken to me and answer the best I can. "You spread misinformation about number names! Not all number name trauma is RAMCOA!"

You're right! I misworded that because I hadn't known that RAMCOA wasn't the only source of number-name trauma. Because no one told me. I am a RAMCOA victim and have only heard of number-names related to RAMCOA. I didn't know other forms of abuse used number-names. I know that now thanks to a kind person who opened a ticket in my server, and I will edit my server rules accordingly. My opinion stays the same; people who haven't been abused/tortured etc with number names should not use them. I have met countless other victims who agree with me. You can call that an opinion of mine, sure! If you disagree, kindly block me. I am sorry to anyone I said "You can only use number names if you're a RAMCOA victim." to, I had meant that only people with number name trauma can use them to reclaim the name, I assumed RAMCOA was a broad enough term that it covered all types of number-name trauma, but I was mistaken. I'm sorry. That's all I will say on that matter.

"There was a misinformative carrd in your server that didn't explain RAMCOA correctly!" It's been spread that the carrd was mine! that is not true AT ALL. It was taken down a long time ago and replaced with a much better resource. I hadn't personally looked at the carrd because topics of RAMCOA often trigger me, my partner was the one to send the carrd. My partner had seen the carrd sent elsewhere and had no idea it had misinformation. It was used as a quick resource for someone to know what RAMCOA was, and as soon as a kind server member pointed out it wasn't a good resource literally minutes after it was posted, it was taken down and replaced. People make mistakes, and my partner fixed his almost immediately. If you are angry at that, then I'm sorry but you are REACHING for things to hate me for. "The guillotine (public ban) channel you have in your server encourages hate and death threats!"

I am deeply sorry to anyone who recieved any threats/hate/harassment from my public bans. I have always stated to never contact the people I ban , and it was listed in the channel description as well.

No one had EVER told me that they were receiving hate or threats after being banned, otherwise, I would've taken this channel down much sooner. I have yet to receive any proof of these claims or even speak to the victims themselves. I have only heard this passed around from outside people. When I have asked, I am refused evidence for the "sake of anonymity" which I respect but unfortunately cannot ban any individuals without user IDs or genuine reasons. The only thing I could do in response to this is take the channel down, which I have done.

On the topic of death threats, people have claimed that one of my mods was sending them... but refused to show any evidence or tell me who it was. I have spoken to my mods and all of them have said they would never, so I genuinely have no idea what to do. If anyone has further evidence, please contact me. Most of my mods don't even have an active account on tumblr.

A trend I am seeing with the people who are typing up long paragraphs on how I am toxic and immature are people I've banned for going against my boundaries, reposting hate towards me even after said hate was asked to be taken down by both me and the person I had wronged, and other vile behavior in my server. I have not been given descriptions or details on who feels wronged, so I can not apologize for any actions because I genuinely have no idea what I did. I have not come out to say anything not because I am hiding, but because I am lacking SO MUCH evidence or even witness testimony on what I've done wrong. I have no issue apologizing to people I might've hurt, but I cannot do so without a proper conversation with said people. The one person who offered to tell me things refused on multiple occasions to give me evidence, screenshots, direct conversations or any other sources of people explaining why they hate me. I was only given vague reasons and "maybes" To some individuals I know are spreading the hate about me; To Proxy. You were banned from my server because you were creating a story incredibly similar to RAMCOA experiences while not being a victim of any sort of torture yourself (which you stated.) You said you were allowed to have an OC with a number name because it was based off a media that did the same, and that it was a "lab rat character" and therefore didn't count. When I, a victim of the torture you were using for roleplay, tried to educate you on why it was still wrong no matter your intent, you threw a tantrum and refused to listen. You were clearly uneducated on all forms of numbername trauma and refused to understand when not only I, but multiple other victims were trying to explain why it was wrong. Your roleplay OC was more important to you than a victim asking you to stop. The way you spoke to me was vile, invalidating, belittling and triggering. I am not sorry for the anger I displayed when I was spoken to like my own abuser would speak to me. I had a right to be angry and I started off extrememly understanding and polite despite your actions. Your OC was also affiliated with Nazis and the holocaust, which is fucking disgusting. I don't care what comic/media/etc it's based off of. I don't care if it's fiction or if you don't intend to base it on real life matters. Fictionalizing things that are rooted from real trauma and genocides as someone who has not experienced either is a horrible thing to do. I hope you realize how sickening you've acted.

Proxies messages were accidentally deleted when we banned them, but heres a screenshot my partner took during the arguement. Oh and before I forget, Proxy claimed to be "proshipper neutral" because it was "just fiction." despite knowing what it entailed. They have since been educated, but I wanted to share that their opinion on "fiction does not equal reality" mind set is extremely harmful.

Their reasoning on why they thought it was fine! (both is proxy) ^ Proxy also sent something in my inbox that I responded to publicly, ignoring all that they had done and completely going against my DNI of them. You can see that on my blog. To Alexfroppy. You were banned because my mod pointed out to me that you had reposted a tumblr post promoting the hatred towards me and my community, between an issue I had with another creator who has since forgiven me. Both me and Lemon (the creator) asked the Original Poster to take it down. You still reposted, directly supporting something going against the boundaries of both creators involved. You say "well I also posted something against the threats." Great! That's the bare minimum and resposting something that got me threats in the first place completely contradicts and cancels out you discouraging it. We pulled you into a ticket and tried to politely explain what you did wrong, to which you replied carelessly and with an incredibly dry tone. It was clear to me you didn't care when you stated "I'm only here for the emojis" and never apologized. That is why you were banned.

This is the entire ticket conversation. They were not banned for "just liking and reblogging a post". They were banned for purposely reblogging something that went against both creators boundaries which inherently encourages threats and hate towards me no matter your intent. People say "Hey your guillotine/public ban channel is getting people threatened!" and I apologize and quickly take down the channel. I say "Hey your reblogs are getting me threatened" and I don't get an apology, nor did they take down the reblog and ended up joining the hate train and calling me immature and toxic for being terrified for my safety. To FleurDeMort / Pierce. I don't know if you're directly involved in any of this, but with how open you are about hating me and claiming I ban unfairly, I think It's safe to assume you are. You were originally banned for being involved in a drama that was making me break down and shut down as quickly as I could. I apologize for acting quickly out of fear, that is my fault, and I would've been more than happy to apologize to you directly just like I did the other person involved. However. I, after calming down, apologized for my passive agression and panicked actions a day or two afterwards. I unbanned the person I had directly spoke harmfully to, and apologized as did they. You typed out a message for the other person fighting me to send. It was filled with misinformation, was invalidating, ignored all my points in the debate, and was disrespectful.

If anyone wants more information on my view of this, I made a post here stating all the points that I made in this ticket that they completely ignored. You are an adult. You can be mad at me for being immature, but what does that make you? You , afterwards in anger, claimed that my ADULT MOD was "Jacking me off" for defending me.

That is fucking disgusting NO MATTER YOUR INTENT. I could give less of a fuck if that's an expression. I am an AMAB 16 year old and commenting that an adult who defended me was "jacking me off" at your grown ass age is fucking vile. There were a MILLION different expressions you could've used, but you chose that one. You have not apologized, you've only defended yourself in my friends servers and claimed that I am taking things out of proportion. Instead of apologizing and realizing that your angry statement was weird and sexual no matter your intent, you've chosen to defend yourself and throw a tantrum in partnered servers of mine about how you did no wrong.

Here's them opening a ticket in another server and defending themselves, so that people don't claim I'm not showing the full story. I acknowledge me and my mods didn't handle the situation correctly, I was dealing with a lot of stress and made bad decisions. That's my fault, and I am sorry. I have been forgiven by the person I hurt ( V ). They have forgiven me and are a happy active member in my server, and one of my main defenders. Here is all context provided to the "jacking k9 off" statement, just incase anyone wants to claim im not giving """Full context""" like Pierce has claimed.

This conversation wasn't even about me. They brought me up in a single sentence to say that my mod was "jacking me off" for not siding with them. I don't care what emotional state you were in, you're 19 saying that about an 18 and 16 year old. You should be ashamed. "It's an expression" does not give you an excuse to say that about a child just because you're angry. I am an AMAB 16 year old. Imagine if the roles were reversed and you were to say "They'er fingering k9!", you would get a lot more hate. My body as a male should be held to the same standard, expression or not. I make mistakes and apologize for them. You make mistakes and defend yourself. That is the line of difference.

Here's them being manipulative to V after V had forgiven me, and trying to excuse saying sexual things about a child because it was "taken out of context". Saying sexual things about an adult and minor is pedophilic. I know that's a heavy word. I mean it. Your intent doesn't matter. Think before you speak.

For my final message about this drama; The amount of hypocrisy in the accusations about me is hilariously pathetic. I am not here to defend myself, I am here to state the facts of what happened, to share my story with these banned members, and to state that still even after all the hate sent to me, I do not understand what I've done wrong besides ban people who have wronged me without remorse and make a few accidents in my communitcation. I have not ever used my age or mental state as an excuse for my actions. There is a huge difference between "I'm not sorry, It's not my fault, I'm a child and I'm mentally ill" And "I'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, I am still growing and not in a good place mentally. My actions have been influenced my by current mental health and I've made mistakes. I have apologized and will try my best to grow" which is my statement and what I've stated in the past. If anyone who I have wronged wants to DM me on tumblr or discord to explain their side of the story and be apologized to, I am completely open for that. I want nothing more than to fix my mistakes and make people happy. That has been my wish from the start. I never act on malicious intent, I've never encouraged threats towards those who have hurt me, and I will never do either of those things. I have over 1,000 members in my server who are constantly telling me how safe they feel in my community, how it's the only place they've actively spoken, how much they love my art and me, and I love them back. To all that have treated me like human and been unbiased in your view of the drama thrown at me, thank you. I love you all. You uplift my life and I couldn't possibly express my gratitude in words. I will continue making emojis for verbal accessability and I will continue to grow, be better, and mature in my responses to threatening or scary situations. You say I'm toxic for being confused and angry, for not reacting well to proofless accusations of my character as a person, of ignoring people who have no evidence or who wont even mention what I've directly done wrong. Yet you chase after my every mistake, you grab at my flaws that I work on every day to improve, and you use FORGIVEN ISSUES against me. This community is toxic because of people like you.

How hard was it for a single one of you to politely DM me and inform me on what I was doing wrong? How hard was it to maturely speak to me about what you think isn't okay? You call me immature yet you spread lies about me like a childrens game of telephone. I am sorry for anyone who I've hurt. I am not sorry for being human. Do not harass anyone I have mentioned in this. I do not condone hatred, even if they have encouraged it towards me. I am sorry if anyone takes what I've said as hostile. I am tired and angry of people demonizing me with little to no proof of what they claim. I am tired of sleepless nights wondering if someone is going to send me more threats or dox me. I am tired. /nav Thank you for reading.

[leonw4nter]

My Daddy Forever, You’ll Always Be

ID!Leon + GN!Child

Dad suffered a lot. Uncle Chris or Aunt Claire tells me just how much he suffered and how he continues to suffer. No one had to tell me that my dad pushed all the suffering back and didn’t feel into them just to take care of me, even when the scrape on my knee was nothing compared to the fracture in his collarbone or the swelling of his eye. I do my best to be there for him, reminding him to celebrate birthdays or find happiness in the mundane like coloring books but I guess even that isn’t enough to fill the mom-shaped hole she left in his heart. No one’s going to fit in there, not even me, and I don’t think dad wants anyone to fill it in and that’s okay because I have a mom-shaped hole in my heart too, even if I only know how mom looks based on pictures in the frames and photo albums dad loved to look at.

On every birthday he has, we always prepare two candles– one for him and one for mom, even if they don’t share a birthday (they’re six months apart). Dad always sadly sighs when he blows out her candle; I think he hates doing that. I hate observing that though they were born a few months apart, they’re even more apart now that one of them is still on Earth while the other is in heaven now. Despite the fact that I sort of killed mom by being born fussy, Dad still loves me and does his best to be present in my life. He knows which dresses to buy and doesn’t mind wearing make up, even when the lipstick is smeared or if some powder got into his eyes. Sometimes I think he’s trying to make up by treating me well because I look like the splitting image of my mom and he’s trying to suppress the guilt every time he sees me but I don’t mind; he lost a woman who’s been around in his life longer than I have been. He lets me sleep in his and mom’s room sometimes, letting me sleep in what he said was her side of the bed. If we both couldn’t sleep, he could talk about anything and everything but her. There was one time where I told him that my classmate’s mom remarried after her dad died in service and that she was happy and I asked him if that would make him happier.

“Marriage is how you know that your love persevered through tough times. A second marriage is proof of how you were willing to give yourself another chance to love. I don’t think I can marry again because I know I won’t be able to love someone else as much as I fiercely love your mother,” was all he said before I turned to face him, his chest shaking slightly and tears streamed down his stubbly cheek. I apologized to him and quietly promised that I won’t ever make dad cry again and that I would do my best to make sure dad stayed happy.

Dad isn’t very keen on writing; he’d much rather install a tile and get dirt underneath nails he maintained than write on several pieces of paper back to back but I notice that he began buying stationery in order to write letters but those letters were never sent. He keeps them in a womens’ shoe box and occasionally takes a letter out to read as he quietly cries to himself. On the night of what would be five years since mom left us, I woke up in the middle of the night to find dad’s side of the bed empty. I got up and saw him sitting on the floor as he hugged the shoe box close to his chest.

“Will we ever see each other again? How long until you’ll come back to me and our daughter?” was what I heard as he continued to cry. I have heard Dad cry but never as gut-wrenching as this. I continued to watch him cry, tears of my own spilling and I felt bad for him. Aunt Claire told me that dad never showed fear when he was at work, shooting and defeating the bad guys but whenever he looked at me, there would always be a small tinge of fear in his eyes. She said that he just didn’t want me to see the world the way he saw it, whatever that meant. I couldn’t take it and I ended up sobbing, maybe as hard as dad did. He heard me and got up, walking over to where I was hiding. He lifted me and hugged me tight, pressing kisses to my hair and repeatedly apologizing for being a little too loud when I was sleeping. If only Dad saw that he had nothing to apologize for but how could he see that when the splitting image of his wife is me and my face reminds him of what he gained and lost on that day?

I hope Dad doesn’t beat himself up for losing what he had left of mom. I hope he doesn’t feel sad whenever he sees another dad with his wife bonding with their daughter in a park. I hope he doesn’t cry whenever it’s his birthday and he pokes a third candle into his cake. I hope he doesn’t consider himself a bad father because I would rather live a short life with dad than a long life without him. It made me sad how dad would never see me in a wedding gown and would probably never walk me down the aisle or have our daddy-daughter dance; after we watched the movie Father of the Bride and seeing dad get all emotional about it, it kind of made me a little happy to image dad being so excited for me. I hope he will be kind to himself and let himself experience happiness. I hope that God would let me be reborn as dad’s best friend so I can help him get through what he went through. He would’ve been a pleasure to walk to school with. Hmm. Maybe he’d be the type to remind the teacher of homework.

NOTE - Sorry for dropping this short and mid ass fic, I just had to hop on my computer and write this one bc I came across this one wedding tiktok where the dad sees his daughter who's getting married for the first time and I cried then suddenly remembered I wrote an angsty fic where Leon's kid dies and I decided to add this as the kid's POV. I was too sad okay I just HAD to write one up but looking back at it, now that I'm not that sad, it's actually... ehh. A for effort, I guess. Anyways, that's it and thank you SOOOOOO much for reading my fics, it means a lot to me :) I <33333 UUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!

The dividers are from @saradika , the images are made by me (sourced from Pinterest).

[p3ndeja6]

⋆¸*ೃ☼ ⋆¸*ೃ

band au! Stan marsh x y/n

AGED UP! AGED UP! AGED UP!

summary: you were part of Stan’s band, crimson dawn as one of the lead singers, you and Stan had an established relationship but ended things badly due to lack of communication (on his part) everything he did or you did annoyed each other, but how can you guys continue playing together if you guys hate each other

warnings: swearing, arguing, marijuana usage, alcohol consumption, implied sex, angsty, jealous Stan!, maybe smut (probably)

2.6K words

not proof read (my bad)

(idk how many words this got so.. my bad pt 2)

you were currently on Wendy’s bed groaning and whining. you were so fed up and annoyed you could literally punch the next person that breathes next to you.

“Cmon y/n, it can’t be that bad anymore!” Wendy said. Wendy has been trying to cheer you up for over an hour making you forget about what happened at the crimson dawn meeting.

“no Wendy you don’t understand, Stan tries to always take control on everything the band does, we literally can’t fucking breathe anymore, all he does is nag and nag and nag, I can’t fucking stand him” you got up in anger clutching your hair in distress trying not to pull your hair apart, you might be getting grey hairs over this whole thing

“you’re only saying that because you guys broke up on bad terms and you still have to play alongside him y/n”

you and Stan dated for almost over a year before calling it quits. You truly did love that boy but he never tried to put any effort in the relationship anymore after the fourth month of dating. It’s like he lost complete feelings. That wasn’t the case though, he just had a hard time trying to distinguish if your feelings were as true as his but because of all the trying to decipher he lost complete focus on your relationship, resulting in never ending arguments and constant degradation

you loved him so much it hurt you physically after the break up, it took you a while to get yourself together.. for the band. Crimson dawn was getting recognition around South Park county and neighboring counties as well. You guys were getting paid for each gig. You had to continue even if it meant you had to play alongside your ex boyfriend, who you secretly still are in love with but won’t admit to anyone.

You didn’t notice but Wendy brought a box of tissues to you, you hadn’t realized but you were crying. You didn’t know how it happened. But you willing accepted the tissue, wiping your eyes and covering the pure white tissues with black eyeliner and black mascara

“I know it’s not easy, but the band is something you love, don’t let Stan ruin it for you this much.”

She was right, you loved the band, jimmy, butters and Kenny made being in the band fun and bearable

“yeah I guess you’re right-” as soon as you finished your sentence you got a phone call, you looked at the caller ID and it was Stan. You waited a few seconds before answering. “what’s up?” You spoke

“uh hey we just got a gig at some guys party, so come meet at my house in 20 minutes, don’t be late” he replied

“yeah sure whatever, I’ll be on my way” you hanged up in annoyance

“We just got a gig, Wendy by any chance did I leave any extra clothes here?”

You turned around in hopes she did have something you can wear. “Do you mean this?” She held your favorite outfit you forgot about months ago, when you slept over. it was your favorite dress, the flowy ,lacy black dress that made you feel and look so good on your body. God bless, you were already wearing your doc martens. All you had to do was add some finishing touches to your hair and face.

“how do I look?” You asked in worry

“fucking hot, honestly, like I literally could bang right now”

“oh my god! Wendy!!” You laughed at the explicit comment she made

you arrived at Stan’s house in a hurry hoping no one will noticed you were slightly late, you were dreading this but you just couldn’t wait to perform beside Stan

“You’re late y/n” Stan spat

“yeah by a fucking minute, what’s the big deal” you nonchalantly responded, finding your seat next to Kenny.

“the big deal is I told you to not be fucking late and that’s the first thing you do, gosh can’t you understand simply directions?”

“here we go again” Kenny said in humor while taking a sip of his beer

you angrily got up to his face, “You know what jack-ass fuck you, who gives a shit, it was just one fucking minute, why are you bitching about 60 seconds?”

“no fuck you-”

Butters went in between you and Stan who were standing so close to each another

“okay guys! we’re all here Stan cmon tell us what we’re doing” butters shakily said

he took one long second to stare down at you, clearly still pissed off

“okay fine.. I was going to say, that we got a call from one of Clyde’s cousins who’s having a party up in Jefferson county. Just 25 minutes from here. So let’s get ready to head up there”

you all agreed and started gathering your equipment and putting it in the van (that said tegridy farms). It was quiet but not an uncomfortable quiet. You were trying to put all the equipment in the van , fixing the boxes, and the instruments, when stan came up to you.

"y/n... look im sorry i yelled at you..... but seriously dont be late"

" stan i wasnt even that late... i dont know why you are making a big deal out of this... but i accept your apology" "lets just go.. okay?"

"yeah... okay"

As you went inside the van, you sat in between kenny and butters, while stan drove and jimmy sat in the passenger seat. As you were heading towards Jefferson, kenny lit up a joint, taking one huge puff. exhaling and coughing, kenny passing it to you. You received it by taking it in between you thumb and index finger. taking a big puff, you exhaled and then quickly inhaled it all back. Kenny laughed, "oh wow, didn't know you knew how to do that" you giggled and give him a small slap on his shoulder. "please kenny, you were the one who taught me"

The van started to fog up and the herby, skunk smell started to flow around the van, almost disgusting you in a way, creating a bit of a headache due to the "skunk" smell. As you were laughing it up with kenny and butters you had a feeling you were being stared down. You were, Stan was looking at you guys through the rear-view mirror, clenching his jaw and hands, created white marks on his knuckles as he gripped the steering wheel.

Once you guys arrived at clyde's cousins place, you could see all the people outside on the porch laughing, drinking, and smoking. Speaker music faintly coming out through the doors and windows. Colorful lights spinning all around, like a rave almost.

"alright guys, we're here.. we are going to do our best and make everyone know our name... couple ground rules before we go inside... Kenny dont try hooking up with anyone, please we seriously dont have time for that.. actually that goes for everyone. thats it lets go"

"please dude, i'm not gonna have sex... i didn't bring any condoms, plus cartman thought it would be funny how hard he can kick me in my fucking nuts. wasn't fucking funny"

You chuckled giving him a reassuring pat on his back and walked inside with him cursing out cartman and how hes a fat fuck who gets no bitches whatsoever.

You walked in and saw how everyone was dancing and singing and having a great time. you then saw a couple that kind of reminded you of you and stan, they looked so in love and so happy to be in each other's arms. you missed stan and you missed being with him, you didnt realize you were staring until jimmy kicked you with his crutch. "cmon on y-y-y/n" you snapped out of it and proceeded to help the rest of the guys set up. making final adjustments and being ready to perform.

"alright guys, you guys ready?"

"ready!"

"alright.. 1 .. 2 .. 3.."

the jimmy started to bang his drumsticks, and then kenny started with his bass.

you were their lead singer, as you were ready to begin singing you tried to get into the mindset, you know what song was first and it was a song you composed for stan. nobody really knows what the real reason was for the song, you just lied to them saying its based on a scene from a movie you saw.

you took one last deep breath, looking to your left you saw stan, smiling at you and nodding to you, signifying you'll do great. stan knew whenever you were scared or nervous... and knew what to do to calm you down.

you started singing, keeping in the rhythm by tapping your foot, you started to gain confidence as the chorus began to start. you took the microphone off the stand

send you my love on a wire

lift you up everytime

everyone, ooh

pulls away, ooh

from you

you were dancing and whipping your hair to the beat, staining the microphone with your red lipstick, moving your body to the beat and feeling the confidence rise up, when you saw everyone in a big pile, you did the unthinkable, you dived into them, crowd surfing the decent sized group of people, you were laughing and thanked the people who brought you back onto stage.

stan couldn't believe you just did that, he knew you were extroverted but didnt know it to this extent. he fell in love with you all over again. it almost pained him that you were no longer his, because of him, because of how stupid he was with words, how he lost the most important person in his life, the person that made life bearable. he wish he would fix it, could fix your guy's relationship.

the song was ending and you made sure to dance to the every end. as you guys were wrapping up, you had a 30 minute intermission before the last song. You got out to find yourself a drink, heading into the kitchen, it was a really big kitchen, marble countertops and porcelain walls. you found yourself the jungle juice they had, a bit strong for your liking so you only pour yourself a little bit. stan saw you and as he was about to go over and hopefully have a genuine conversation, some prep looking guy came up to you instead. he stood there observing, almost like a creep, but he means well

"hey! im clyde's cousin derek!' he semi shouted

"oh hey!, great party you have here"

"thank you, hey you were really great up there, you have such a great voice, and your performance skills is amazing, that crowd surf has everyone talking about it!"

you were a bit embarrassed that you actually did that. "yeahh sorry about that, i dont know what got into me. i dont usually do that, i just sing and dance really" you chuckled shamelessly

"nah nah you're good!" he looked at you with lustful eyes, he was getting close to you... like really close. you didnt really want to but he were craving the lips of somebody's. Stan was watching this all unravel and he started clenching his jaws. He immediately swooped in and grabbed you by your arm.

"hey whats your problem?!" he ignored your shouts, until he took you in a coat closet. he was intensely looking at you. unfortunatley he was a couple inches taller then you so you had to look up at him. there was this energy that made the temperature in the closet hotter.

"y/n"

"'y-yeah stan"

"im sorry..."

"for what?"

"im sorry for being a horrible boyfriend, i should've never shut you out, nor ignore you when you needed me the most. im so so sorry y/n.. and- and i cant stand you being with other guys, i cnat stand the fact they get to kiss you instead of me- i want to be the only guy holding you, kissing you, caressing you, everything, i want you to me mine... and only mine.. no one else's."

you were in a sort of shock, you didn't know what to say. the thing that you could say was, "stan i-"

you kissed him so passionately, he reacted a second late until he started to kiss you back.

"jump"

he said. you oblied to what he said and jumped. you wrapped you legs around his torso gripping him tight into your embrace, he started to kiss you down to your neck, making you lean your head back into the wall, moaning at the sensatiuon he gave once he found your sweet spot

"oh god, how i missed those noises that come out that pretty mouth of yours"

this made you even more wet then you were before. in a swift motion he took off your dress to reveal your through lace bra, your harden nipples poking out. He pinched them through the fabric, making you moan out in pleasure. You were loud since there was music playing, so no one could hear you scream in pleasure.

you were left in your underwear and bra, stan removed your underwear and started to rub circles in between your lips, using your wetness to lube up his fingers to slowly glide them in. making quenching noises as he pumped in and out of you at very slow pace. His thick fingers making it hurt to fully consume him. He moaned to the feeling of your warm spongy walls trying so hard to take him fully, and this was just his fingers.

"fuck stan, please go faster please.. please" you were begging for more, this drives stan crazy but he wanted to take his time with you, he wanted to make you feel good, make you only scream his name.

"yeah? you want me to go faster? cmon.. y/n enjoy this moment with me"

he started to pump even faster, catching you off guard. you gripped on his shoulders, trying to calm your breathing.

"yeah like that, yes!"

"i just remembered you were gonna kiss that douche out there"

he stopped his movements, and quickly pulled out his fingers

"fuck stan!" you exclaimed

he unbuckled his pants and pulled both his pants and boxers down, revealing his long, red, needy, tip. You smiled at his leaky tip, shakily rubbing all the precum all over his sensitive tip.

he moaned and bit his lip, "you like that?"

you kissed him one last time, "fuck stan, please- please just-just shove it in me"

he wasted no time, and roughly pounded in you. you held a tight grip around his waist and shoulders. he held onto your waist, watching himself disappear into you wet cunt. you had moved your head to the side moaning and winning at the pleasure you were enduring.

you were so close and so was he. he grunting became whinning and whimpers. you held onto his face looking at his beautiful eyes

he breifly looked down and back up you

"y/n im gonna-im gonna cum"

"me-me too"

"i love you"

he pounded one last time into you and let his seed fill you up to the brim. your cum and his began to drip down to the floor, he stood there a moment. both of you trying to regain energy and steading your breath.

you got off of him and leaned back onto the wall. Trying to process everything that went down.

“I love you too”

you both smiled, and cleaned yourselves up. Until both of you heard a loud knock.

“Cmon you fucking weirdos, we have to do our last song!” Kenny shouted from the other side.. "also stan your a hypocrite, you said no hoo-"

"yeah yeah i know what i said"

you both laughed and continued cleaning the closet of any unwanted substance

“y/n I do really love you”

“I know stan… I love you too”

[alexxx362]

Ok hear me out here- Imagine Neil knew that he was meant to be prefect court the whole time and genuine hating Kevin because why?Why did he get to have everything? Why did he get to have friends? Why did he get to play? Why did he get all the fame and glory? Sure he had to live in hell just to obtain it but didnt neil also have to live in hell? a difrent kind of hell but hell the same, but he didnt get freinds. He didnt get to play A family (be it a found one). He didnt get fame and glory. All he has is a dead mother that berly even loved him in the first place. Thats simply not fair.

Now! to relate this song to Brutus by the buttress and think about it!! (not the whole song just parts)

"I've been watching him for my entire life I hate the air he breathes, his foolish decrees His words so contrived And I hate the way the townspeople gather outside They hang on every breath, cling to his chest Home to his heart full of pride"

The oracle told him to beware the Ides And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wishing For untimely death or demise (or just his hand being broken)

Or am I just wishing I could be like you? That the people would see me too as a poet (player) And not just the muse (?)

Oh, it's not true, I don't wish harm upon you From birth we've been like brothers of different mothers Within the spirit of the same womb

May the gods (Andrew) strike me down if I forsake you

I'll never forget that you showed me to make art And I know the love you showed me came From a pure and noble heart

I love you, and if you want, I'll call you King queen But why do I lie awake each night thinking "Instead of you, it should be me"?

Something wicked this way comes And as I set to face it, I'm unsure Should I embrace it, should I run? What motivates me? Hatred? Is it love?

What's more wrong; that I too wish to be great Or my mother wished she'd had a son? (the wish she had a son part doesn't make much sense but the vibe does if you get me lol)

And even if I can't be the one Maybe I could at least help make way for him Until the day that he comes Maybe my name could also be known That I helped return good to the people And restored greatness to Rome Brutus, Brutus, Brutus, Brutus! Brutus, Brutus, Brutus, Brutus! Brutus, Brutus, Brutus, Brutus! Brutus, Brutus, Brutus, Brutus! My name is Brutus and my name means heavy So with a heavy heart I'll guide this dagger into the heart of my enemy

My whole life, you were a teacher and friend to me Please know my actions are not motivated only by envy I, too, have a destiny This death will be art The people will speak of this day from near and afar This event will be history, and I'll be great too I don't want what you have, I want to be you

I always knew I could be the one Though I feel the endless pain of being And I am scorched by the Sun Of humble origins and born of the cursed sex My name is Brutus (Nathaniel) , but the people will call me Rex (Neil)

[hswriting]

The Moment I Knew- Part 3

[Image Alt ID: a collage of 5 pictures on a light blue background. First picture is of a burger and fries in a take out box. The second picture is of a hospital hallway. The third picture is of a note written on a piece of loose notebook paper that reads “ps. I never told you but I was falling in love”. The fourth picture is of a snow covered road. The final picture is of a person covered up under a blanket with a book on their lap. End Alt ID]

- - -

Masterlist Part 2 Part 4

- - -

3.4k words

- - -

Harry released a new song on his YouTube channel and it has Millie in tears

He starts playing on his keyboard a soft like song.

You’ve never known, how would you? I’ve never told you how I felt. You’re with him now I see you. Come over to your house and he’s there. No matter how hard I try to forget that you exist, the world shows me you again. Here we go again.

It’s always been you somehow. Even when you’re with him. It’s always been you somehow. Somehow.

Now I’m knocking on your door, hoping you remember me. Feel like I’m on a merry go round.

The song continues on and I feel myself crying. It’s so raw. So emotional. He likes somebody so much but he can’t be with them. And while it doesn’t sound like our situation is the same, it hurts a lot to listen to.

I miss Kellen so much. We had so many good times. It felt like magic between us. Somewhere along the line he wanted someone else, but I was stopping him. I hated to let him go but I deserve more than that. Kellen was supposed to be the one. And I can’t even stand to think of dating anyone else but him, but I want to. I want someone to love me for me, not only love me when I’m wanting to have sex. I want someone who will talk to me instead of push me away like Kellen did. I want someone who loves me the way that I love. So wholeheartedly and honest. So fearless and brave. Someone who isn’t ashamed to have me.

I may not be ready now, but I will be. Eventually.

I finish up my journal log and shut the book. I take it to my room and tuck it in my sock drawer even though no one would touch it. I don’t want to risk any wandering eyes. I grab my laptop and open it at the table to start my transcribing job for this week when I hear a knock at the door. I assume it’s Harry because who else would it be? Maybe he forgot something or needs to tell me something he doesn’t want to talk about on the phone. I pause my music and go answer the door.

Kellen is standing there on the steps in a black sweatshirt and grey sweat pants. I feel anxiety creep through my body from my stomach to my fingers and toes.

“Millie.”

“What are you doing at my house?”

“I wanted to talk to you. You won’t answer my calls and texts.”

“I wonder why Kellen.”

“Please let me in? Let’s talk.” He says. I know how stubborn he is. He won’t leave until I talk to him. So I let him in. He kicks off his boots and walks to the couch. He sits down. He doesn’t seem anxious or nervous. I sit down in the chair across the room.

“Millie I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did to you. I want to explain.” He begins.

“Go ahead.” I tell him flatly.

“She trapped me at her house. She made me say those things to you.”

“Who. Sam?”

“Yes. She said she has liked me forever. She made me sleep with her. Millie you have to believe me.” He pleaded. “I love you. I fucking miss you.”

“Why should I believe you? You called me crazy. You said I wasn’t ’putting out’. You didn’t sound forced. You meant every word you said.” I scolded. “You cheated on me, and are here lying to me. You want me back so you don’t have to be alone. I won’t be manipulated like this.”

“Baby I promise you I’m not. I miss you.”

“I missed you at my birthday party. I missed you when you weren’t there to celebrate with me. Fuck Kellen, I missed you when you stopped wanting to come over any more than one day a week. I missed you when I was down and needed someone and you ignored me to do who knows what.”

“Mil-“

“I’m not done. I’m not taking you back. I hate you for what you did. I’m so angry and upset. You made me feel worthless! You wouldn’t have bragged to your friends what you did had you been forced Kellen. I’m not stupid.”

“You’re going to regret letting me go. You’re gonna regret every minute I’m not beside you. You’re pathetic without me. I feel bad for the next asshole who likes you.”

“Get. The. Fuck. Out.” I say with gritted teeth trying not to cry again. He slides his boots back on and slams the door. It’s quite for a beat, but then there is yelling outside. I can’t quite make out what they are saying. I hurry as fast as I can to put a coat and boots on and run outside to see Kellen in front of Harry’s car. Harry is stepping out of it.

“Perfect fucking timing. Of course you would try and scoop her up like this after she breaks up with me. What a hero!” Kellen says.

“That’s not what’s happening Kellen and you know it.”

“I know that you like her. You always have. Did you think I didn’t notice how you looked at her when we would all hang out?”

“Kellen. Stop.”

“No. If I’m gonna be thrown away like trash you guys are gonna know what I have to say before I go.”

“You better leave her alone. She doesn’t want anything to do with you.” He says. Before I can even blink Kellen punches Harry across the face. I try to run to him but I slip on the ice and land on my back, hitting my head on the ground. My vision gets blurry and I soon black out.

- - -

When I come back from blacking out, I am in an ambulance. I look around but I can’t move my head. I try to look around but all I see is paramedics.

“What happened?” I ask.

“You slipped and hit your head. You lost consciousness you also cut the back of your head on a rock or ice. You need to try and be still. We have you in a brace and are bandaging up your head.” The one woman said.

“Where is he?”

“Where is who honey?

“I can’t remember. Why can’t I remember?”

“You’ll remember soon. Post concussion amnesia doesn’t typically last long.” She says as she applies more bandages.

We finally reach the hospital and they take me in and carefully take me out of the brace. I guess it’s just a precaution since I fell. They remove bloody bandages and stitch up my head where it was cut. They said I will have to have the stitches removed in a few weeks. They gave me some papers on post concussion procedures. They said they would have my discharge papers as soon as they could.

A man I recognize walks in and I suddenly can remember his name. Harry.

“How are you feeling Millie?”

“My head really hurts. Both the headache and the stitches.”

“I was really worried. I didn’t know you were standing outside. You fell and I saw blood and panicked.”

“I don’t really remember what happened.” I told him. “Lady said I should remember stuff again soon.”

“You don’t remember?”

“No. What happened to your face?” I say looking closer to see a light bruise appearing.

“It’s not important.” He says. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay since it was my fault.” He said, letting the last part slip.

“Your fault? Harry tell me what happened.” I demand.

“I don’t know what happened before I got there, but I pulled into your house to give you the earmuffs you left in my car. When I got there Kellen had just slammed your front door. He saw me and started arguing and fighting.” As he recounts the events, I slowly begin to remember.

“You’re going to regret letting me go. You’re gonna regret every minute I’m not beside you. You’re pathetic without me. I feel bad for the next asshole who likes you.”

“I know that you like her. You always have. Did you think I didn’t notice how you looked at her when we would all hang out?” Kellen came over and tried to get me back.

“It’s always been you somehow. Even when you’re with him.” Harry’s song.

“He said some really mean things. I’d regret this. He said you liked me.” I said, telling him that I remember. “Why would he say those things?”

“Millie I-“ he starts but the doctor comes in with discharge papers. Tells Harry to make sure I don’t do anything too strenuous and to relax for the next 24 hours. Harry walks me out to his car in silence. He opens the door for me and helps me in. He walks around to the other side and hops in.

“Can I go home?”

“You can go wherever you want to. The doctor did say you really need someone to keep an eye on you for the next 24 hours to make sure you’re okay. If you want me to be that person I can, or I can call Rachel-”

“Rachel isn’t going to come over. If you don’t mind you can be my person. Does that mean we have to go to your house?”

“It’s up to you. Where do you want to be? If you want to stay at my house you can, but if you want me to stay at your house I can.” He says and I take a moment to think. My house is messy, but I don’t want to force my way into his house and eat all of his food and take up that kind of space. I’m lucky he even still wants to be around me after he got punched in the face in my behalf. I can’t ignore what Kellen said about Harry liking me. Harry told me he wasn’t trying to be like that and take advantage, but what if Kellen was right? Harry seems too sweet to ever want to try anything like that. But the chorus of his song rings in my head. This much thought makes my head hurt even worse.

“You can stay at mine. You’ll probably need clothes though if you want to change.”

“Right. I’ll stop at my place and grab my things and then we can go to yours. Sound like a plan?” He says and I nod. He makes a few more turns and we are at his place again. “Do you want to come in?”

“I think I’m gonna sit here and close my eyes for a second. My head is pounding.”

“Okay. I won’t be long.” He says. He quickly jumps out and goes inside. I want to text Rachel to see what she knows about Harry and these accusations into liking me, but I know I’m not supposed to be on my phone. I close my eyes and lay my head against the cold window. I drift off.

I am startled when I hear the drivers door open and Harry is climbing back in. He throws his bag into the back seat and buckles his seat belt. “Didn’t mean to scare you, love. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I just dozed off I guess.” I tell him sleepily. He drives the short distance to my house and parks. I let him open my door again and we walk to the front of the house. I grab my keys from my purse and begin to pick out the one to the door, but my fingers don’t want to work. They are slow to grab the key. I try to put it in the lock but can’t seem to get it where it needs to be.

“Would you like help?” He asks gently. I nod and hand him the key. He swiftly puts it in and opens the door. We kick off our boots and I find my way to the couch. Harry turns on my small heater and covers me with a blanket. “It’s about dinner time. Did you want me to fix something for you? Or do you want me to order out?”

“I can cook, it’s okay Har.” I tell him and he seems a bit surprised by the nickname.

“You need to rest. Let me help you out. You’re recovering.”

“I just remembered, weren’t you supposed to go to work?”

“I called out. I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He says and my heart melts a little from it. He didn’t have to stay, but he did.

“That was sweet. I appreciate it.” I say. “Where do you want to get food from?” I ask him. “I’ll let you cook another day if you really want to.” I said and he chucked. We bounced ideas back and forth before we decided on burgers. He had them door dashed to us. While we are waiting, he sits in the chair where Kellen sat this morning. He grabs his bag and pulls out his journal.

“Do you mind?” He asks. I shake my head. He opens a pen and begins to write. He hums on and off as his pen dances across the page. He is so focused on what he is doing, that he begins to chew on the pen. He brings his knees up into the chair and writes with the journal in his lap.

“Are you working on a new song?” I ask. His eyes shoot up at me and he gives me a smile.

“How did you know?” He questions.

“You hum and then stop to write. Him again and stop. It was just a guess.”

“Yeah. Just trying to figure out how some of the words should go.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Your songs on YouTube are wonderful.” I tell him and heat rises to his face.

“You listened to them?” He asks sheepishly. He places the ribbon in his journal and closes it.

“Yeah. You mentioned it earlier so I came home and listened to it while I wrote in my journal. You have a really beautiful voice Har.”

“Which songs did you listen to?”

“All of them. ‘Falling’ is my favorite.” I tell him. I don’t think he could blush any more than he is now.

“Well, if you like it so much, you should come and see me perform this weekend. If you’re feeling better.”

“I will be there.” I tell him and he smiles from ear to ear. “Your music is just so raw. So emotional. It made me cry.”

“I’m sorry I made you cry, but I do write about things in my life that are very personal.”

“I can tell. I wanted to ask who your song was about that you released this morning? That’s if you want to share, I don’t want to make you.”

“Just about someone in my life. I don’t really feel comfortable sharing that yet. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s okay to not want to talk about it. As long as you’re happy having it out there is what’s important.”

“I am. I really like the way it turned out.”

“Me too.” I tell him. “Can you play it for me? I’m not supposed to be on my phone or I would.”

“How about I do you one better.” He says softly and pulls out his phone. He comes closer to me and sits in the floor. He presses play and an instrumental starts. His wonderful voice fills my ears. I study his features as he performs.he does it loud enough so I can hear, but he is careful not to have it too loud and worsen my pain. His eyes are shut to start, really focusing on the words. His face is so peaceful. Beautiful even. His eyes open to reveal a sparkling green looking at me as he sings the chorus. Before I know it, the song is over, and he sits and stares at me for a moment before getting up and going back to his chair.

“Any comments?” He asks. I shake my head.

“No. It was perfect. Even better in person.” I tell him. He picks his journal up and sets it in his lap again, but doesn’t open it. He takes a long hard look at it, curls hanging over his eyes.

A knock is rapped on the door. Harry answers it and collects our food and drinks. I sit up slowly and uncover myself. He sits the food on the coffee table and starts taking things out of the bags. He passes me my bottle of water and encourages me to drink that before I drink my soda that I got. I don’t feel like putting up much of a fight so I drink it all and place the bottle back on the table. We eat while talking to each other more about things we didn’t know about each other.

He broke his arm when he was 11 in a trampoline wrestling match with his friends. He once played a drinking game with Jason and the crew. He doesn’t remember much but he woke up with a full face of makeup (luckily no pictures were sharpied onto his skin that night). He likes to listen to old records that remind him of his dad. He also has a baby niece that he babysits from time to time named Layla.

“So do you have any family? You don’t really talk about them, and I don’t see any pictures.”

“Um, no I don’t. My parents died when I was really young. I don’t remember them. I don’t know if I have any aunts and uncles. I was in a group home until I was 18.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m not hurt about it. I just wish I had been adopted so I could have had some sort of family.” I tell him. He looks sad. “Really, don’t be upset for me. I’m okay”

“I know you are. I just don’t know what I would have done without my family. I can’t even imagine.” He says.

“One of the plus sides of growing up in the group home was that I learned I could choose my own family. Not blood, not being adopted, but I can choose who I keep in my life. It’s a work in progress. I haven’t found anyone worthy of the title yet, but I know they are out there somewhere.”

“I hope you find them soon.” He says, putting no pressure on me to label him or anyone else in my life. I give him a smile. We finish our dinner quickly. I grab a book from my bedroom and read for a few minutes before drifting off.

- - -

“Hey. Millie. I know you’re tired but you have to wake up for a few minutes.” I hear a voice say. I grunt. “I know, love, but it’s just for a minute and then you can go back to sleep.” He says. I open my eyes to see Harry.

“I’m alive. I’m not brain dead. May I go to bed?” I ask him. He nods.

“Of course love. Just needed to check in on you. Come here.” He says. I close my eyes again and he scoops me up. I bring my arms to my chest and he gently carries me to my bed. I didn’t realize how strong he was. I know I’m not exactly light to carry. His cologne smells amazing. I’ve never noticed it before. He tucks me in and brushes the hair off of my face before turning off my light and closing the door. I fall back asleep only to be awoken again a few times through the night to make sure I’m okay.

- - -

In the morning I allow him to make breakfast. It’s adorable how he tied up his hair and put in my apron. He did not go light on breakfast either. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, and orange juice.

He does the dishes when we are finished. He journals while I read some more of my book, and before we are aware, the 24 hour watch period is over. Harry doesn’t say anything when his timer goes off. He just shuts it off and keeps writing.

“You really are allowed to go home Har, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”

“It’s up to you. I know it’s been 24 hours but if you want me to go I can. If you want me to stay I will.”

“I’ve got a pretty busy day of work since I missed yesterday. If you want to stay you’re more than welcome to I just need to shower and hop on my laptop.”

“If you’re going to work, I think I’ll go home, but you can message me, okay? I work tonight until 7, but I’m allowed to have my phone.”

“Okay. Thanks again Harry. It really means a lot.”

“It’s no problem, love. You have a good day, okay? Don’t stress yourself out today. You’re still recovering.” He says as he slides his boots and coat on. “If you need anything please call me.” He says. I nod and he walks out the door.

I begin my work and the day passes by quickly.

- - -

Masterlist Part 2 Part 4

[cactusringed]

i WILL sleep soon but im having too many thoughts

the fact that etho decided that he was just going to be Very Nice To Bdubs.

bdubs? he must have been euphoric. he was finally given a spot in ethos heart in the way etho always has one in his. this was some sign that said hey, i matter to him too!

which only made it worse for him when etho did things for grian and cleo he would never do for him.

bdubs wondering if it meant anything at all to etho, or if it was some big joke. if he and his stupid big heart was some joke to etho. if etho understood that all itd take to get bdubs on his side was the slightest attention that way, dropping the act once he was satisfied with bdubs devotion.

to bdubs, it sure would be looking like he didn't ever matter to etho, only what he could do to keep etho alive did. nothing about his wellbeing or even happiness mattered to etho

bdubs told him he would not kill him, no matter what. even when etho told him he wouldn't blame him if we did. and etho couldn't even bother lying about failing a task for bdubs' sake

its not even that bdubs would care if etho attacked him for a task. if there was anything he could do for etho he'd do it in a heart beat, including losing a few hearts. but the fact that etho didn't even care enough to go 'yeah sure id fail a task for you' after bdubs proclaimed his loyalty

then, seeing how etho treats grian and cleo...

anger

i need bdubs to be furious

i need him to be angry on his own behalf. to recognise his self worth and realise he deserves better.

he would give everything to etho. what more does etho want from him? what more could he give to make etho care about him? how DARE etho build him a place in his home, pull bdubs in close, only to treat him like shit?

i need bdubs to be furious

and im going to be completely honest, i need to see him snap and kill etho. hes a man being pushed to the brink, and etho needs to learn that bdubs isnt some sidekick thats going to follow him around. that bdubs would give him the world if etho had bothered to give him even a shred of loyalty and care. and that etho FUCKED IT UP

IM SORRY WHEN YOU GOT ME INTO ETHDUBS I DIDNT EXPECT SUCH AN ANGSTY FUCKING RELATIONSHIP I

AAAAAAA

ok im falling asleep while writing this if i got anything wrong thats why. bed time. nighnigh

Brother when I tell you that the be nice to bdubs day episode makes me sick after what etho did. Oh my god. Oh my god.

The thing is about etho is that, he doesn't lie to bdubs. I don't think he does, anyway. All that kindness he offered bdubs - well, it was obviously a bit to embarrass him, but it was also all true. He doesn't like to lie to bdubs. He's haunted by the time he promised something (a life) and didn't deliver, to the point where when he did it again (promised to help bdubs with anything he needed, then laughed at his face when bdubs sought out his help) he felt SICK

Etho doesn't like to make promises, because he hates not to deliver on them. Bdubs loves to make promises he wholeheartedly intends to deliver on, or that he hopes the receiving party will know he'll try his heart off to deliver on. Bdubs values, so much, the very act of trying, the intent behind it. Etho values results. It's a dissonance neither can really see. So it leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings

Bdubs has promised so much to etho, so many times - etho must believe the words empty, no matter how earnest bdubs is. Meanwhile, because Etho is so careful about managing expectations, he comes off as... Aloof. As not returning even half of bdubs' earnest feelings. It's such a difference in their expression of love.

Etho felt bad, and thus he pushed himself to express love in a way bdubs would understand - through words of adoration. But then he immediately returned to his old ways. Immediately withdrew, as if scared. Because he is scared. In truth, he's terrified of the feelings he holds for bdubs, and how much it can hurt the both of them. But instead of seeing that, Bdubs can only see it as Etho playing a sick game with him. Bdubs, so starved for Etho's attention and love and devotion.

I doubt he would've promised cleo or grian he would protect them against the boogeys. He's told cleo before, that he's not a protector. He doesn't want to give the impression he is because he hates the idea of betraying that impression. But in the moment, he did become a protector. But it's that seed of doubt that it plants that hurts so much.

Because now, Bdubs will always see etho and remember that he refused to vow his protection to bdubs, whilst turning around and protecting his allies. He'll always see etho and remember that heartbreak.

He feels like he's been throwing so, so much love to a complete brick wall. Somethings gotta snap.

I want bdubs to either kill etho or try to hurt him - to genuinely go after him. But also if he does - if either of them do - I'll have a category 10 ethubs meltdown I s2g

This can only end in tragedy I swear I swear I swear I feel so SICK it's late and my head hurts so this probably makes no sense but. My god

[kaijuboarcreations]

Maybe I'm just talking to the wind here but now that the Bvz tag is blowing up to unexpected proportions I want to put my two cents out there for a couple of things. Also spoilers are a big part of this so read at your own risk.

The fact that Barok is racist is an obvious character flaw and not a good thing clearly. It is never stated to be a good thing, it was never put in place as a way to try to justify racism. Why would a Japanese team make a game with a Japanese protag and try to paint racism against Japanese people as a good thing? They also wrote Barok to be an adversary and in many ways esp in game one he plays the role as the xenophobic British empire itself trying to beat down a foreigner. But that being said he is still his own character and that becomes more clear in game two. There's no shortage of racism for racism's sake in the games. Several witnesses and perpetrators like Asa Shin/Jezale Brett, are racist because they live in a society that perpetuates the idea that the British Empire is above the rest of the world.

So let's look back at Barok. As we find out, he was raised in a household were likely his first interaction with any Japanese person on a personal level was in the form of Genshin, who was his older brother's friend and colleague. He looked up to his brother and consequently looked up to Genshin until the Professor situation came about. Obviously we learn that the trauma that Barok experienced at the loss of his brother was not really Genshin's fault (but you know vigilantism may not have been the best answer to the situation he and Klint found themselves in) and obviously it was not the fault of the Japanese populous as a whole. Trauma can make you do shitty things. Does it justify them. Absolutely the fuck not. Even if Genshin was the Professor and Klint was an innocent victim it still would justify nothing. That being said, grief has a way of creating irrational emotional connections to certain things and given that Barok lived in a time where mental health surrounding grief and depression were either never addressed or landed you in a facility were they basically tried to torture the sad out of you meant there was no way for him to get assistance in breaking out of his emotional cycle. Place on top of that, he would have been surrounded by people in British society who would have validated his racism, and now he has an easy scapegoat for his grief. Does that mean it's ok. Again of course not. Even van Zieks himself admits to that.

If van Zieks racism prevents you from enjoying him as a character, no judgement at all. But if you think anyone who likes him is some kind of racism apologist, that just seems like a very unfair judgment.

For one thing he is a fictional character. Liking a character who does bad things is not a reflection on someone's moral compass.

On top of that everything i said above about van Zieks comes down to a very important conclusion, and one that has led me through the transition of hating him with a burning passion to coming to love him. By the end of GAAC he absolutely can and seems to want to get better. Even in the last case where he admits to himself and Ryunosuke that his racist comments are unawarented, wrong, and unfair... that's progress. Even if its miniscule. All Barok wants is the closure he never got and by the end of the last case he has it and can begin his road to recovery. One which Kazuma of all people is willing to stand by him for. You can see through the course of the second game that he makes fewer hits at Ryunosuke's race (simply referring to him as "learned friend"). He intends to make progress. He was not always racist and he doesn't have to be for the rest of his life. Doesn't mean it was ok for him to be and that he shouldn't apologize and make up for his actions. It doesn't mean that anyone is required to forgive him either. But liking a character for intending to make progress doesn't make someone a bad person or apologist. Id argue it's the opposite. As I said I hated Barok for a good chunk of game play and maybe him not having the chance to do a whole lot to make up for himself in game isn't enough by some standards but at the end of the day it was Ryunosuke's story not his, and it seems the writers were intent to say Barok's story goes on from here and the end of Ryunosuke's exploits in London are marking a new beginning for Barok in which we as the player can read into in our own way. Because I highly doubt we'll be getting a spinoff of a spinoff featuring the man. Maybe I'm just an optimist who wants to see the best in this particular character idk.

[polyamorouspunk]

hii taking you up on your advice offer 😭 ur poly so maybe u have more experience with this than me, how would i break up with my longterm partner?

we’ve been dating for 2 years, it really has seemed perfect but lately idk its just felt wrong. we’ve kinda planned our lives around eachother and moving in together once we graduate, but i cant make myself want to kiss them or be romantic anymore, i dont want to respond to their texts, i get annoyed at them for no reason. they havent done anything wrong theyre wonderful its a “its not you its me” situation to a T.

all of our friends are mutual friends, but most of them were technically my friends first (all the people they used to hang out with sucked) so im scared if we break up they wont have anyone to talk to about it. i really dont want to hurt them.

i honestly might realize this is just me being dumb and all of this will pass and ill want to be with them still once it does, but since i have no clue how id break it off i feel so trapped. i want to know i have a way out if things dont get better, i want to stay with them because i truly changed my mind not because i didnt have a choice.

Not in a poly sense but just a “have had a few relationships” sense I guess I can offer advice.

So I’ve never actually broken up with anyone before, except for the last guy I was messing around with (Catboy) just because as much as I had sooo much feelings for him it was like the most unhealthy “relationship” for me. Like I finally realized like “oh I’m actually NOT better off seeing him, my mental health is ACTUALLY worse” because of his shenanigans.

However, I did have a long term partner who I dated for 6 years who we had plans to move in together and get married etc. same kind of deal, all their friends were my friends. And they dumped me, and yeah, it was really fucking hard even though I knew everyone was going to take my side. And the one person who didn’t I ended up not speaking to anymore because I was like if you’re not going to realize that I’m the only one whose going to keep talking to you because my ex doesn’t give a shit about keeping in contact with people, then that’s on you.

I was devestated. This was like 3 years ago at this point and pretty much right up until about this year I felt like I was somehow “living in the wrong timeline” and like my entire life’s trajectory had been pulled out from underneath me. Not from the breakup so much as them just deciding they never wanted to speak to me again, that I was bad for their mental health, etc. which I always told them if I’m ever bad for your mental health then break up with me, and I meant it and stand by that and their decision, but it still fucking hurt.

Like if that’s what they had to do that’s what they had to do. If that’s what you have to do then that’s what you have to do. While I am of course resentful to my ex, and I hope they get hit by a car or something sometimes, I do stand by their decision that if I wasn’t good for them then I’m happy they left me behind. I don’t know if other people are going to have that same view upon being dumped. I mean like I said I still hate them. But to say that they should have stayed with me for my sake is hypocritical.

Not only that, but an issue of intimacy was occurring between us during the lead-up to the breakup. And as soon as I wasn’t with them anymore and I was able to be with Catboy instead I got a taste of what I had been missing and GOD it felt so good. For the first time ever I felt like someone actually wanted to be intimate with me. It was an amazing feeling. My ex dumping me opened up the door for me to have things I was missing in that relationship. So it wasn’t all bad, for sure.

You have to do what you have to do for yourself. You come first. If you need to break up with your partner, or take space, or whatever, you just have to go for it if you really think it’s what’s best for you.

[tea-earl-grey]

at long last i finished watching TOS (only like.... a year after i meant to originally watch it)!!!! now i only have TAS left and i'll have seen all of Star Trek!

some TOS opinions and takeaways under the cut:

fundamentally i'm just not a TOS fan. i watched a lot of the episodes when i was a kid so i definitely have nostalgia for them and i can recognize when episodes are good and how much the show has influenced pop culture and science fiction as a whole but just as like.... a show to sit down and watch for fun? i enjoy pretty much every Star Trek show more than TOS.

i primarily like Star Trek (and fiction more broadly) for the characters and while there are some really great character moments for Kirk, Spock, & McCoy and some one-off characters, i just struggle to find that 60s style of plot driven scifi engaging (which i find fascinating because i still LOVE 60s era Doctor Who which has much much worse production values than Star Trek and i feel like most people would say is less engaging). and to be fair, a lot of the reason i found some of the TOS plots boring was because they were the blueprint for so much other scifi media so i can't really hold it against the show.

that said, i really don't want it to sound like i hate TOS. i don't. i just think the ideas and concepts it has are better explored in the movies & future tv series than in the show itself. i totally get the appeal especially for people who grew up with it.

there were plenty of episodes i did really really like though (ones i've seen before and new ones that i've barely heard of) and my top episodes are: The Trouble with Tribbles (a childhood favorite of mine), City on the Edge of Forever (an obvious classic), Is There In Truth No Beauty (i had never seen or heard of this episode before but i loved it so much! i thought it had some really unique storytelling and i loved Miranda so much so i totally see why they brought back the actress for tng), Journey to Babel (another obvious pick), Court Martial (one i had seen before but i liked it much more now that i was more familiar with the characters), The Conscience of the King (great Kirk episode, tragic backstories, and fun stuff with Hamlet!), and The Ultimate Computer (an old scifi concept but executed really well on every level)

most of the episodes i aggressively hated were just the really sexist & racist ones. Elaan of Troyius, The Paradise Syndrome, The Omega Glory, etc. i'd say about 60% of the episodes i just... don't have strong opinions on at all. they're fine.

i do really like Spock, Kirk, and McCoy, i definitely ship mcspirk some (yes McCoy is essential to the Dynamic). Spock is a pretty obvious character to like given how he's the prototype for pretty much every alien othered character who came after tos. it's been said before but Kirk is so much of a more likeable character when you set aside the "handsome male hero womanizer" archetype and realize that in most episodes he's a very genuine compassionate and sensitive leader who's been through some great traumas. and McCoy i definitely don't think about quite as much but he's the essential "id" to the dynamic, the one rooted in humanity and bringing back a sense of individual personhood to Spock (who's a bundle of repression) and Kirk (who constantly goes through the captain arc of "my ship and my crew comes before myself")

i do (as i've said before) prefer shows that emphasize an ensemble cast so i'm always a bit :( at the lack of time we spend with Uhura, Sulu, Scotty, Chekov & Chapel. i like them all but it'd be nice for them to have some more depth.

the TOS movies still remain my favorite part of TOS era. i genuinely really love all of the movies (even Final Frontier despite it being Like That, there is a good movie hidden in there)

[yankstrash]

i need your advice, i am almost 19 never had a boyfriend or my first kiss and i just feel so sad and i feel like gross about myself and idk on what to do because i just want love and to love a guy; but i feel like i am not pretty enough to get a guy../ if you and kenz could help and id you know luna if y’all can give me advice i would appreciate it

i promise you not having your first kiss or a boyfriend is not as big of a deal as it seems. i didn’t have my first kiss till i was 17 & a senior in high school, & at that time people around me were already having sex & i was like WHAT. it may seem like a big deal but i promise it’s really not, you go at your own pace & do what you’re comfortable with & if you’re not comfortable doing that with anyone then don’t ! it is not worth it. i wish i never kissed the first guy i ever kissed. i wish i didn’t have my first time with the guy i did. hell, i wish i never even met my first boyfriend (because he’s that fucking awful). there’s really no rush for these things because a lot of the time you end up regretting who you share it with & it sucks regretting

i hate that you feel that way about yourself because i can guarantee you it’s not true. i don’t know you or what you look like but i’m telling you you’re beautiful. everyone is beautiful & i hate when people think they’re not just because they’ve never had a relationship. if anything you’re probably too good looking for any of the idiotic men around you & you don’t need any of them.

honestly, boys are fucking nasty. & 99% of them don’t deserve any girl. i wouldn’t even be worried about never having a boyfriend, most boys refuse to settle down & only want to hookup so the girls who want relationships scare them (their loss, not yours). not your fault & nothing to do with you that they can’t keep their dick in their pants & refuse to settle for one person 🫶🏼

self love baby. it’s easier said than done but you’re you & there’s only one of you so love yourself for exactly who you are & the right person will too. when the time is right, the right person will walk into your life & love you the way you’re supposed to be loved. there’s over 7 billion people in this world & you’re 19, you have SO much time to meet someone & a whole world of people to choose from. it’s no problem that you haven’t yet, these things take time & it’s not always easy but i promise you will one day. you haven’t fallen in love yet because the universe hasn’t sent you the person who will give you exactly what you deserve, YET. but it will happen. in time.

you can’t rush what’s meant to be.

i’ve had 3 ex boyfriends & i didn’t love a single one of them. i’m almost 21 & am yet to be in love with a boy & i am the biggest hopeless romantic so it SUCKS but i know that the right boy will come along eventually & that’s not something i want to rush because i want it to be the very right boy. don’t rush it, be patient & it will come.

you ARE beautiful. you’re perfect the way you are. you will meet the person you’re supposed to be with. i love you & i am always here for you.

this goes for EVERYONE. i am always here to talk or try to help. i’m not sure if this helped but i really hope it did.

(at the end of the day, we don’t need boys. boys need us. they’re gross & don’t deserve any of us beautiful ladies)

[adoracora-elizabeth]

The truth always comes out, chapter 34

"Yes." Cora answered here phone, she did not look at the caller ID, because she had to run from the garden. She loved being in the garden, at Downton they had staff that took care of everything. She only took regular walks, but never really cared for the plants. Now she was the one finding out when which flower blossomed and when she should cut or not.

It stayed silent on the other side of the line.

"Hello?" Cora said. "Who is this?"

"It is me." Robert's voice sounded.

Cora felt her stomach flutter. Robert's voice still had an effect on her, although she tried to not let it happen, when she was not prepared to hear his voice, she could not help but react. "Oh, hello." she said, as casually as possible.

"I am sorry to bother you, but I received some papers that we need to look at."

Cora hated it when Robert said that he did not want to bother her. He did that a lot when she was at Downton. Then it was more along the lines that it was nothing to bother her with. But this gave her the same feeling. "What papers?" She tried to hide her annoyance.

"About the divorce, we should finalize it. Do you want me to come to London, or do you want to come here? Or we can meet somewhere in the middle?"

She did not want to go back to Downton, but she also did not want him in her house. This was a Robert free zone; she had declared to herself. "I can come to Downton." Cora walked towards her agenda and saw her weekend was free. "How about this Saturday?"

"That is perfect, see you then."

He had hung up before Cora could say goodbye. Robert was probably still very hurt and maybe angry about her leaving. He had never been good in managing his emotions. Edith had told her, that he had stopped drinking, it was a huge relief to know that. She was scared he would drink himself to death. But Mrs. Hughes was keeping him in order. Cora let out a deep sigh, Mrs. Hughes was a wonderful woman, and Robert was lucky to have her and Carson to look after him. She turned on the kettle. Who was there to look after her? She had Rosamund who came by regularly, but that was it. She should try and make some friends. It was also time to find something to do. Her parents had left her with a wealth that made it possible to never work a day in her life, but she wanted to do something. All of the sudden Cora felt a tear running down her cheek. She wished she could call her mother, but both her father and mother had passed away.

+++

"Can you please stop that pacing around, or do it outside?" Mary said annoyed looking up from her book.

Robert stopped abruptly in his tracks; he had not noticed he was pacing. Cora could be here any minute now. "I am sorry." He murmured.

"Papa, sit down and take a drink." Mary saw her father's eyebrows rise. "No, not that kind of drink. A cup of tea I meant."

"I know, I know." Robert frowned, of course he knew she did not mean an alcoholic drink. Cora would smell it on him from miles away. The door to the drawing room opened and Carson appeared. Directly behind him was Cora.

"Thank you, Carson." Cora said, clearly uncomfortable, that she had to be escorted towards the drawing room by the butler.

"Mama, lovely to see you." Mary got up and walked towards her mother to kiss her on her cheek.

Cora touched her arm briefly. "Thank you darling."

"I am off." She looked at her father and walked away.

Cora walked towards Robert and kissed his cheek. His smell made her weak in her stomach. She felt his bristly skin, he had not shaved in days. But she had to admit, he was good looking with a beard. Quickly she stepped back when she noticed she was holding his arm a bit too long. Her cheeks coloured and she averted her face.

Robert closed his eyes the moment Cora came so close to him that she could not see his eyes. She looked lovely, she had gained some of her old weight back he noticed. It was a relief to see, she had lost so much weight while she was sick, and he had been scared she would not regain it. But she did, did that mean she was happy? He thought. Every fibre in his body, wanted to pull her back when she stepped away from him. He wanted to put his noise in her hair, which was in a low ponytail on her back. Some curls escaped in the front, and he wanted to put it back behind her ear.

"You said, you received some papers?" Cora said, waking Robert from his daydreams. She had recognized the look on his face, he was fantasizing, the same thing that happened in her mind the moment she laid her eyes on him, just when she entered the drawing room. The physical affect he had on her, was jarring.

"Yes, Murray finished all the details and I think he made a good settlement."

Cora swallowed; with these papers it would be defined. There was no way back after signing them. "Can I read them?"

"Of course, do you want to take them with you and come back later or?" Robert stopped; he did not want to push Cora in any way.

Cora took the papers from Robert; it was not too much she noticed and would be able to read it today. "I will read them right now, if that is alright?"

Robert nodded. "Of course, can I poor you a drink?"

"Some tea would be lovely." Cora had seen that there was tea and some biscuits waiting on the table. It was something she missed in her home, everything she had to do herself and although she really liked living this independently, it was sometimes very convenient to have people do those things for you.

+++

'Cora got up, without saying a word and threw the papers in the roaring fire. She stepped closer towards Robert, who was still sitting on the sofa opposite of her. She reached with her hand towards his chin, and she lifted his head, so he was looking at her. Slowly, very slowly she came closer. Her hair was loose and was now falling forwards. It gave her an angelic look. Her nose brushed his and he felt her breath on his skin. "We should wake up." She said very softly.'

Robert felt a hand shaking his shoulder and a voice saying. "Wake up." His eyes snapped open. Cora was standing in front of him, but her hair was still neatly in that ponytail.

"I am sorry to wake you, but there are somethings we need to discuss." She pointed at the papers in her hand.

Robert tried to shake off the dream he just had. He felt stupid for falling asleep in the first place, but he could have known he would dream about her. He dreamed about Cora every night, she came back to him every night, again and again.

[transsexualsaintsebastian]

I Missed My Flight And I'm Writing This To Avoid Relapsing

And I hunch over the men's toilet in the Tampa International Airport,

choking out my breakfast (I only ate it thinking I wouldn't eat during the hours long layover)

and attempting with careful strength and precision to be at such an angle that my knees hover above the ground,

too afraid of what dirtiness could be on it but not too prideful to be a better person than the type of man who vomits for strangers in the other stalls to hear.

It's funny because when my mother talked to me about the terminal,

I thought she said "terminate" at first.

Oh, you know how this goes.

Don't make me keep repeating the story.

The last time I took this same flight I ended up

lost trying to go bus to bus back to campus from the airport

and ended up lost in the city, a woman petting my hair

telling me I'm beautiful and

"You just look so young, you know?

I just can't believe you're 18, are you sure?

You have such lovely hair.

Are you a student?

Are you really not so young?

Hey, come over here."

One day that little corner is going to be the death of me,

the day these aching bones of mine catch up to me.

I keep these tabs on me,

filed maps in my head of all the street corners everybody avoids,

the parts of each town I visit where I know to stay far away from but I can't pretend are nonexistent forever.

It's like running down empty train tracks:

Right now I am lucky. One day I will not be.

I think I'm always waiting for the sound of that train whistle barrelling towards me.

I once had a boyfriend who caught me with a white lighter.

He took it and tossed it,

told me I didn't know what it meant and I shrugged.

I haven't bought another since but I always knew what I was doing,

just didn't believe in what could happen.

I haven't died yet, so maybe he was right to toss it.

I missed my flight today;

I lost my ID somewhere between my family's house and the airport.

I never was the type to misplace things as a child,

always used to be so organized.

There was a place for everything and I was

so meticulous and so studious and

oh so afraid of ever learning how to fail.

I missed my flight today;

I lost my attention to detail somewhere between

the shelf above my aunt's fridge high enough to keep from children and

the lockbox-

my own fault it even ever got locked,

never in arm's reach after that first time getting caught,

the hospital visit and the charcoal down my throat and-

yes,

somewhere between the shelf and the lockbox (my parents have used the same code for everything my entire life.

They don't realize I know. )

I had to call my mother after leaving TSA.

"I'm sorry,

I'm so sorry,

I don't know what happened. I wish I did.

I don't know where it could have gone."

(You are me and you are a college freshman and

you sit in a cold office with

much too many of those doctor-office-shade-of-green decorations, and a man sits across from you.

"You can say no if there's anything you're uncomfortable with talking about right now, alright?

This is just an intake to figure out where you're at."

Howoftendoyoudrinkanddoyoudoanyothersubstancesandwhatisthefamilyhistoryandistherepasthistoryofabuseandwhenwereyoulasthospitalizedandhowlongdideachtimelastandwasthereadiagnosisand-

"You mentioned your Mom dealt with a lot of these issues too in the past, would you care to discuss your relationship with her?"

Pause. Break. Clenched fists, bitten tongue.

"I don't want to talk about this."

Two weeks later you relapserelapserelapsewhyisitsohardand-

You sit in that cold office again and the man is still staring at you with those piercing blue eyes and those unsettling green decorations you hate set up around him.

He asks about your flight home the next weekend,

if you think your mom can help you.

He tells you to tell her everything,

tells you she'll understand.

"Addiction is a disease.

A mother wouldn't love you any less for it."

You think about finding a new therapist.)

And at the end of the day the worst part about missing the flight

is the drive back to the house when the plug texts again asking why I stopped responding,

and it's like the entire sunshine state can feel the craving inside of me.

Florida, I love you,

all the way from the blackout night beaches

to the house my father overdosed in

a couple streets away from my first taste of bliss

and all the way down the road to Suncoast.

I am seven days sober today.

I missed my flight.

A week has never felt so long.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

FHE JUSTIN BIEBER GIF CRYINNGGGGGG LAMAOAOAOAOAO im assuming its the sae oaeu cooking rn

LMAOSOA YOUR POST trust I take all of your ramblings as rewards your brain is fr so big all of these fire ideas >>>>> ok but the pokemon au is so good…extraordinary….exquisite….remarkable (if you’ve watched as much pokemon as i have you’ll probably get this but if not just take it at face value) the Barou sibling angst is actually my fav

LMAOO YOUR MOM AND HER BROTHER THATS SO ACCURATE

ISAGIS HAIR I feel bad for his hair and his hair alone they always weirdly slick it back or comb it up and he looks like a middle aged man

IM CRYING “I cry but because I have to deal with his shit” LMFAOOO yuki fr tweaking atp or repeatedly saying his mantra in his head trying to keep his sanity like “god never gives us more than we can handle god never gives up more than we can handle god never-“

LMAAOA NO IT MAKES SENSE my brain just grouped up the letters that way that I had to double take ok so we’ve had kaneshiro possesses Mira moment and we get canon characterization of kiyora it’s time to freaky Friday reverse you should take over kaneshiro and write bllk i fr wish Karasu actually scored more literally my exact thoughts like “ARE YOU A STRIKER???” Channeling my inner ego…..but agreed glad he still at least has SOME presence and is consistently shown active in game

Bro kurona was so random…like with epinagi and s2 you can see them sneakily trying to add him in the bg cameoing to make him feel relevant but he fr was dropped out of nowhere like wdym the one who ranked fourth in second selection who we’ve never even seen a glimpse of and didn’t do anything in u20 is suddenly good friends with Isagi and others and gets field time HUH his first appearance is quite literally in BM when he’s holding the iPad showing Isagi Kunigami new stats (yk it’s bad when I rmr this info off the top of my head) something about the wording “using religion and blindness” has me laughing so hard LMAOOOO it’s giving that one meme “I’ve got the power of god and anime on my side” except it’s god and optic neuropathy UAHSHSHA ok but on a serious note that fr would go so hard like let’s expand on his character please….id honestly love to see more of him as he was shown in the LN because nel yuki is SO diff than what he actually seems to be based off the LN but anyways…

Kunigami being the main rival makes sm sense tbh when I first read I thought he WAS going to be the main rival but no it’s Kaiser ig….wait the morally greyness of wildcard being discussed would fr be so interesting…..guys….also ness is one of my least fav characters tbh so slander him all you want LMAOO gotta agree w some dudebros he’s fr a Kaiser glazer you’re fr cooking though….we gotta get you in touch with kaneshiro asap

LMAO REAL I also (clearly) enjoy bllk quite a bit but yes many things to be improved…sometimes I think to myself if only I was an Isagi Rin or Kaiser stan I’d be having the time of my life but alas we cannot be MEDIOCRE

Wait the terminally ill route fits his character fr….where he’d be unwilling to tell his family about it because he wants to strive to be the best despite it and won’t settle for a comfy life…I can also see him getting murdered though LOL either way I’m sure it’ll be good (even though he’s dying oops)

Yeah I lowk forgot people who have such audacity exist the Tullia hate kinda insane and just generally when people comment “he’s mine [chafacter] better get away from my man” ICK imagine in the tags you just put every reader pairing possible as a jic disclaimer like “reader and Tullia talk to men so beware!”

I always found the rival characters so funny like why are you jumping me when I’m trying to get to the next city no I don’t wanna battle you rn LMAOO it’s funny in how like every version you end up teaming up and double battling the villain team somehow but the way they come and go was always so funny to me

When you first said may I thought you meant May from pokemon but now I realize…anyways love Tullia sooo glad to have her alive!!

LMAOOOO Lowk I had a subconscious thought like galvanthla interesting choice (i personally collected joltiks bc they looked cute LMFAO) Isagi the most basic of basics so an all basic team is perfect for him LOL I mean hey you gotta have an op basic pokemon somewhere right I already consider infernape relatively more niche amongst most popular pokemon too LOL

Otoya using his pokemon as chick magnets is so real LMAOO I wanna analyze the breloom yuki vibe like why does it work so well

Nagi fr got the short end of the stick omg LMAOO ofc it had to be a fire type too for once thank you reo for spoiling him HSHSH

SHSHSBD THATS TOO CUTE I bet chigiri would take sm time grooming and caring for his rapidash too (in line with what we talked about for his hair and skin LOL) sometimes I forget you make money from battling LMAOOO like yeah I just beat your pokemon up now hand me my check

REAL BUT LMAOOO the light blue team never fails for him honestly when in doubt just match the hair color I can definitely see him genuinely having an aurorus and ice types though maybe he’s like (I like them calm and cold unlike my parents) hiori running a fossil pokemon conservation wait id never thought of that that’s also so real….atp this should just be an expanded universe that exists time to world build (on that note imagine Aryu grooms and styles pokemon for coordinators and especially furfrou, I forgot exact which gen you were into pkmn until oops I’ll elaborate if you didn’t get to kalos/xyz)

LMAOOOOO i was already linking up aiku and Brock the moment you brought him in lowk that interaction set up you have is so pkmn verse coded its great

I SECOND THAT if no other inspo comes out lowk pokemon au….guys…..also Noel noa being the actual champion while reos dad just holds the title is actually such an interesting dynamic and would work so well

SHSHS sounds like you’ve got it all down still praying for your safety though all those experiences in one lifetime is crazy

HAHAHA I LOVE THE CHATTER reading the convo responses brings me just as much joy as reading ur actual fics im always down for yap sessions

- Karasu anon

LMAOOO that’s just me irl tbh like i hope that’s what you picture when you think of me 🤩 surprisingly it wasn’t in reference to the oaeu!! someone had just posted that they wished there were more otoya fics because they’ve read all of them already and i was like “just working…working hard to please you” because i am an occasional otoya writer for sure

OMG MR REMARKABLE (i forget if he had an actual name KFNSJSN my brother and i always just called him mr remarkable he’s like that elderly man who has a tv show or smth right??) and HAHA tyyyy 🥹

maybe they do it like that to distinguish him from rin or smth?? idk but it’s specifically only isagi who gets the horrendous hairdos they don’t give ANYONE else that treatment 😭 i fr feel bad for the guy even though idgaf abt him…

bllk karasu’s like “can we switch places” because a universe where otoya’s not as much of a dumbass AND he has the chance to rizz up reader is the universe for him (he def is so pressed that hollyhock karasu never made any moves LMAOOO “wdym you lost her to OTOYA” and hollyhock karasu is like “i never wanted her in the first place 🤔” so bllk karasu is like “WHAT”)

HAHAHA possessed by kaneshiro fr i felt his energy flowing through me in that moment 😭 someone needs to get me on the phone with him like idk much about soccer BUT i can definitely cook in terms of characters and plot!!

I REMEMBER WHEN KURONA FIRST SHOWED UP I HAD TO REREAD THE CHAPTER BECAUSE I THOUGHT I JUST MISSED HIS INTRODUCTION 😭 agreed there’s such a discrepancy between ln/third selection/u20 yukimiya and nel yukimiya!! especially with that rlly cool panel of him in the u20 game where they’re like “his style of soccer is street soccer 😰⁉️” and he looks gorgeous af i was looking forward to more elaboration on that!! like really showing how he plays differently compared to the other players (maybe giving him some special weapon because of that kinda like metavision) it also could’ve been a really cool point of connection between him and kaiser given that both of them kind of learned how to play soccer in unconventional ways…but alas…here we are

NO BECAUSE KUNIGAMI VS ISAGI RIVALRY COULD’VE BEEN SO GOOD it would’ve built up the hype for kuni sm more and him feel much more relevant imo!! honestly along with wanting to know what wc is all about i’ve always wanted to know noel noa’s reaction to it…like his biggest rival from the past has destroyed this child’s body and life and future in order to make a copy of him THAT’S LEGIT INSANE??? kaneshiro could’ve given us such a scrumptious kuni and noa dynamic and then he just didn’t 😭

honestly i think one of the main problems w bllk is that kaneshiro is spreading the cast too thin and making people care about too many characters but it’s impossible to effectively manage such a huge cast given the premise of the story and still have emotional impact when stuff happens to them and that also means that characters aside from the protagonist aren’t given a ton of fleshing out (this is relatively common in shounen sadly…jjk had a similar issue but almost to the next level) where by focusing on lesser characters and just giving them insane depth the story would’ve felt much stronger ☝🏻 like realistically there’s 0 reason for kurona to exist in nel when reo (as per our earlier convos) or yukimiya could’ve easily taken that role and had their characters developed much more!! kiyora could also have been replaced with yukimiya (as much as i love him) and tbh?? get sendou out of ubers and focus more on aryu (how’d he go from number 2 in scoring goals to a defensive player?? flesh him out more instead of sendou literally nobody cares abt him…hot take but only memorable u20 players were aiku sae and shidou the rest did not need to be there), get rid of tokimitsu entirely (show how his nervous personality doesn’t jive with egoism) and give zantetsu + karasu more opportunities to shine in pxg (honestly if they wanted to keep the cutthroat feel of second selection then get rid of nanase too and show how kindness doesn’t cut it in bllk where you need to be insane; that way the cast is still large but these characters aren’t fighting for a main spot they’re more naruhaya-esque) 😰 and another hot take but they should’ve saved all of the other ng11s besides sae until the world cup arc (so no kaiser and lorenzo in nel) to really build the hype and stakes of the wc because rn it’s like…ok the bllkers have already managed to beat lorenzo and the whole kaisagi rivalry is going on so the ng11s don’t feel as threatening?? whereas they could’ve been a really cool obstacle in the wc and would’ve provided a baddie of the week feel and higher stakes without it being boring or random since they’ve been so foreshadowed already with sae

i agree i rlly like the terminally ill aspect it also explains why his pokémon are willing to go along with his possessed body (they’re not able to accept that he’s gone) as well as why isagi knows so much without him being a villain…it’s also just sad to think about like he didn’t want his family to worry about him but he wanted to accomplish his goals so he just pushed forward until he literally couldn’t anymore 😭 also now i’m realizing lowkey kunigami would fit better in barou’s role (given the whole canonical wildcard thing being similar to the possession) however idc because i like barou more

yeahhh unfortunately fandom people can be a little weird to say the least and especially now that i have a decent amt of followers i know there are going to be interesting individuals in my comments so it’s not even worth it to not tag…okay but hear me out i wasn’t even thinking about this when i assigned teams (nagi got his team based on cuddly fluffy vibes and barou got his team as all dark types because of his “villain king” thing and reader was forced to have one of the same pokémon as him for the sibling theme…of barou’s team i liked houndoom the most so that’s what reader got) BUT the parallels between nagi’s starter being arcanine and reader’s being houndoom kinda go crazy?? like they both have huge fiery dogs but as per the pokédex arcanine symbolizes loyalty justice protection etc and houndoom is like death hell horror and whatnot 😭 however as we know nagi’s aura is death and reader’s character’s main theme is love (for barou, for her pokémon, etc) so narratively nagi x reader would be so good…especially if they’re each other’s “rivals” but they’re not really rivals and half of the time are helping each other out…there’s a vision here and it’s cooking imo 🤩 ALSO i’m thinking…hear me out…karasu reminds reader of barou so he becomes like her surrogate older brother while they’re searching for barou and reader is the annoying little sibling karasu never had which makes him respect yayoi more and teaches him responsibility and maturity which in turn makes yayoi finally respect him too 🤔

honestly galvantula is such a random pokémon but realistically in terms of type matchups it’s absolutely CARRYING reader against barou’s team considering dark is weak to bug 😭 honestly it’s such a cool little pokémon i think it’s so fun for her to have it on her team!! and the gyarados plot line is going to be so entertaining (basically she gets scammed into trading a freshly caught pokémon for a magikarp and shenanigans ensue) that i think the basicness is excusable

otoya constantly getting girls via his fairy type pokémon vs reader and tullia being like “ladies STAY AWAY” who wins 😭⁉️ and agreed breloom + yuki goes so hard…tbh i rlly like steelix and yuki too it works surprisingly well

no literally justice for nagi 😭 the way the government did NOT gaf abt him is crazy like they could’ve at least given him a water type (although tbf he’s meant to show how the pokémon training system takes advantage of people so it makes sense) honestly though i love his character in this au he goes through sm development and his slowburn w the reader will be legendary fr

YOU KNOWWWW chigiri’s rapidash is SPARKLING he def takes such meticulous care of all of his pokémon (same w reo) whereas nagi’s just like eh as long as they’re healthy 😄 KFNJSSB so like manshine trio will be chilling and in their downtime reo will be brushing his cinccino and chigiri will be polishing his rapidash’s hooves meanwhile nagi’s arcanine is rolling in a pile of mud somewhere having the time of its life

hiori and ice types just go so well together (even though he only has one on his team I think 😭) and agreed i can see him retiring from battling after his arc w reader and co and following his actual passion of helping endangered pokémon instead of listening to his parents (maybe karasu inspires him because he also stood up to his family [yayoi] and that gives hiori the courage to do the same)

gen six is where i left off!! i played gen seven (namely moon and a bit of ultra moon) but i didn’t like them that much so as far as i and this au are concerned the pokémon verse ended with xy/oras 🤩 omg wait aryu as a pokémon groomer slays…maybe he’s the one yuki takes his pokémon to before contests?? and perhaps the itoshi bros are mentioned in passing as gym leaders in another region…kaiser as noel noa’s apprentice who’s going to be a new e4 member like isagi (but a bitchier one who never knew barou and never directly interacts with reader) and same with bachira + kunigami (kaiser to replace noel noa, bachira to replace lavinho, kunigami to replace chris prince, and isagi to replace snuffy) there’s just so many different roles that characters can play!! the world building would be so fun

LMAOO honestly aiku trying to be the rizzler but getting cock blocked by big bros otoya and karasu is so funny to me 😭 also speaking of brock link ups since we know karasu and reader are like a sibling duo i’m imagining otoya and tullia to have that brock and croagunk dynamic where she just punches him whenever he flirts with girls because he’s so cringe it’s embarrassing 😰 speaking of tullia atm i’m think she’ll likely end up with either chigiri (since he’ll probably pull up quite frequently as a nagi companion so there’s ample time for development), isagi (since he’s a classic tullia pairing and all), or maybe even hiori?? like her and hiori really hit it off and after the main story is over instead of becoming a show/competition breeder like she planned she decides to go back to his nature preserve and help in breeding for species conservation or something 🤔 many many options fr

NO BECAUSE LISTEN THE TIK TOK AUDIOS ARE BURSTING WITH POTENTIAL FOR THE POKÉMON AU i’m getting soooo many ideas for the story now!! like the entire gyarados arc, the aegislash arc (this one goes crazy because it’s basically “reader and nagi somehow end up in a period drama for an entire arc” yet it makes perfect sense given the pokémon verse and the backstory), EVERYTHING with barou especially the final fight between the cousins (i’ve decided they’ll be cousins but as close as siblings!! so y/n’s mother is barou’s father’s sister and her houndoom is barou’s houndoom’s sister so it’s like three generations of brother/sister-esque bonds making up the story), the random evil team encounters…i’m sure you saw but i put requests on hold for a few reasons: so i can finish the ones i have, work on the oaeu, AND also start this story hopefully!! also i want to deny people from requesting for a bit so the hype is built for my 1k event whenever we reach that milestone FJDJSJSJ

LMAOOO the craziest thing is that’s not even scratching the surface unfortunately i have had many insane experiences with men i’m sure you’ll hear about more whenever they’re relevant to the convo 😭 and YESSS i love chatting w you hehe always a little rush of dopamine when i see the little “anonymous asked you a question” notification on my phone (when tumblr isn’t an OPP and actually gives the me the notifs) 🥹

[pwblogarchive]

April 2011

April 13, 2011

Problems with my mail order bride

No holes in the box she didn't show up alive

Getting dirty in the places you always thought you'd keep so clean

Mix me in mono so I put you to fucking sleep

I got a machine soul

I keep you in boxes and lists

I don't worry about love

Or the weather

both barely exist

And both rarely resist

Dispatch helicopters

I accidentally got miserable

Black operations

Rome is for romans

Greek gods are dust, the romans are planets still infallible

Not devout but I feel blessed

Load a round of your problem solvers

Mass exodus of feelings from my chest

won't just make you surrender

Gonna Make you sing it to me

Can't seem to see the light but cover your eyes its shining through me

There's a box here but were simply not taking complaints

There are men in white with syringes carrying restraints

I'm a predator so I'm gonna make you pray

For the protection of your saints

I'm not trying to put an end to this

I'm just trying to get home

DONT YOU GET IT

(stop taking my picture stop asking me questions im on the bench heres my gun and my badge i quit the game)

I can see you're making eyes at this husk surrounding my heart

I can see through you and were sitting in the dark

Bird in a cage

Same as the bird on a perch

Only cause neither of them

Could ever know what they're worth

Love is like a dog

If its laying its best to let it sleep

Life is a case for my trophies

The world just never got me

Oh the controversy

I don't just want the girl with me

After life

I wanna take the whole world with me

Bury me wrapped in c four

My heart your heart

So when they explore

They get more than they're coming for

Fuck

POSTED BY XO AT 9:39 AM NO COMMENTS: 

April 22, 2011

so high and right.

he said they usually pull high and right.

my head goes numb.

he has been one of the most important figures in my life for a very long time. we met when i was fourteen in evanston- all he said was "do you write?". my outstanding response was "you mean like pen pals?". and so a friendship was born. it was steeped heavily in aerosol fumes and cutting holes in the fence at cta fix grounds in skokie. alot of boosting. at least one night or two for trespassing and vandalism of government property. one or two fanzines about friends we hated. a band or two. a single show in my parents basement. a gun, the only one id ever know, with no "bodies" on it. a dog. a tattoo in washington dc. and an eventual and untimely split. he forced me to look at the world differently. to find subversion where there seemed to be none. to see humanity in people many wouldnt consider human. to see art everywhere.

years later we crossed paths again. only now he speaks in hushed tones of the jungle of burma where he take photographs. he says if they pull the trigger you go low and left because they dont know how to use an assault rifle and usually pull high and right. he speaks of thinking he was poisoned as he fled another impoverished country in south east asia. i am again forced to rethink how i see the world. it is almost as he is meant to force the little good that is left in me. to steal my reason and remix how i think of the world.

thanks for being that friend.

POSTED BY XO AT 8:24 PM NO COMMENTS: 

April 22, 2011

Coming at me

Got hipsters guarding your body

There's no kingdom

Just a moat and some nobodies

Ahhh 'pity fuck the sick girl'

I'm not mad its just a mad world

Dollar days, french toast

Slip on shoes you mean the most

Killing myself

so im getting laid like a highschool quarterback

I wear painter denim

Got an aerosole mind

So its not my fault my feelings are plastic and crystalized

This is a confessional

I am not terrestrial

This is not my home planet

I don't care

You can have it

Sitting here lobbing tear gas

Riot mob trying to make these tears last

Fuck marry kill

That's not a question

I'm trying to keep still

but i quake

and sure of the years ive got more gray

but im still dorian

which means some of the bottles im pouring

from are more important

i burn hotter than you

(its not a metaphor)

my hearts like a stallion

people seem to just like it more broken

POSTED BY XO AT 8:34 PM NO COMMENTS: 

April 29, 2011

this isnt a rescue mission anymore.

they think of my heart like it was a stallion

they seem to like it the more its broken.

POSTED BY XO AT 11:05 PM 

[khodorkovskaya]

Do you ever feel like the universe is keeping you from doing things, like for a reason. As in, you really feel and want something and it's kinda within teach but then random things keep coming between you and said thing/things/opportunities/places etc... and you're like hmm is this a sign???

Like, this stuff happens to me sometimes and one example in the past I literally thought to myself on a few occasions hmm this feels like it's not meant to be, like the universe or whatever is trying to stop this happening but I went ahead and found a way of doing it and it ended up being one of the worst things ever as an end result and I remember thinking huh guess that guy instinct was right after all

well you see i believe in god/the universe/destiny/etc but not like that. and also i don't have "gut". like i never get a "gut feeling". about anything. ever. everyone's always like "listen to your gut, your intuition will guide you. if you have the feeling that xyz is a bad idea, don't do it", but i like never get that. my gut doesn't tell me anything.

so i can't really relate to things "feeling like it's not meant to be" because i just never get this kind of feeling. like obvs sometimes i don't want to do something or don't want to go to an event, etc. but it's always either bc im being lazy or i don't enjoy doing said thing or there's gonna be someone i don't like at that event. and so my aversion makes sense. and usually yeah, doing the thing ends up not going so great bc of the reasons i just mentioned. and it's not because of the universe, it's just like:

i didn't want to go to a party bc i knew that i wasn't gonna have fun bc there were gonna be people there that i don't like => i didn't have fun at the party bc there were people there that i don't like

or like, more specific:

i didn't want to do a degree in economics because it's just not my thing and it doesn't interest me => im not having a great time doing this degree because it's just not my thing and it doesn't interest me

like. it's not that the universe was trying to tell me that economics wasn't my thing. it's just me.

sometimes however you do or don't want to do certain things for unknown reasons. but that's most likely because you don't know the reason yet. like when i was breaking up with my ex i really didn't know why i wanted to do it. it hadn't clicked yet and i couldnt explain it. but it wasn't the universe trying to tell me to break up with him, it was just me. but i needed time to verbalise it and really piece together my reasons.

so i think in the case you're describing like feeling off about going through with something and it feeling like the universe is trying to stop you, i think it's probably that you know that you don't want to do it, but can't describe why yet. and in that case it really helps to take a step back and maybe let some time pass and think why you didn't want to do it in the first place. maybe it's something super silly that you don't want to admit, but silly reasons are totally valid and understandable.

i think it's scary to sort of like admit that the reason certain things don't go well ultimately lies within you. in the sense that, imagine you're at a restaurant and you hate squid but you order squid. and then you feel stupid for ordering it because you know you hate squid, so why tf did you order it? i find myself in these situations way more often than id like to admit. like i know im not gonna have fun at a party or i know i hate certain things, but i do them anyway because i just don't want to admit to myself that i hate those things because it's silly. like why not do a degree in economics? why am i being such a cry baby about it? so it's like the waiter just put squid salad in front of me and im like fml why did i order it? the universe clearly told me to not order it.

but for some reason it's easier to blame yourself for not listening to the universe, rather than for not listening to yourself. because it's scary to admit that you don't know yourself. and that your true self is maybe lame and silly and doesnt always like what's rational or "good". it would be so much more comforting if some higher all knowing wise and respectable entity told me "don't go to the party, my child!". and then id be like "damn it, mr universe, i should've listened to you". but in reality it's more like "i didn't want to go to the party because im socially awkward and i didn't have fun there because im socially awkward, so i guess the conclusion is that i should've listened to myself and admitted that im socially awkward".

anyway, ive lost track of where i was going with this. but at the end of the day, everything works out for the best. don't beat yourself up over "signs from the universe". if something happened or didn't happen and you regret it or it went badly, so be it, there will be better days.