#i am VERY sensitive and grossed out by food going bad and I refuse to touch something that grew mold

[k--havok]

@starlit-hopes-and-dreams suggested I share my cat-related horror stories that have scarred me for years to the point that, to this day, I refuse to own a cat.

I have 2 stories, one a little longer than the other.

TW: My stories contain the neglect of cats (and a beta fish), so if you're sensitive to that... I suggest not reading further.

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Story 1

As I mentioned before, I am very sensitive to "cat smell" which is what I have dubbed the ammonia-like stench that seems to permeate most houses and people who have cats. I'm so sensitive to it I can smell it whenever one of my local pet stores has a "caturday"

A person who I was friends with at the time dragged me to one of these caturdays one a day we were planning on hanging out due to her dad randomly deciding they could get a cat.

There was no prep for the house to get a cat. They already owned two senior dogs, one of which was blind, who did not grow up with cats and were never really around cats.

I took her to the pet store after she got some cash from her house and helped her buy all the supplies for said cat... and then she had to actually pick out a cat. She eventually picked up a tabby who did not like being put in the cardboard carrier. Driving her and the cat home nearly gave me a heart attack I am pretty sure. Especially sine I am very protective regarding my car and did not want the cat to bust out and possibly hurt itself, us, and my seats. There was also the cat-smell. Which stayed in the car for several days after this trip. Eesh.

Anyways, after that kerfuffle I let her get settled with her new pet... feeling a bit worried for the cat. This girl was well-known to forget to feed her beta fish for weeks on end. Why her parents decided she could get a cat... I do not know.

This cat made multiple escape attempts, which was not hard as they had a doggy door for the two senior dogs.

As bad as the cat escaping was, its litter box conditions were bad. See, she did not clean it all the time (even tho she promised her parents she would) and they made her move it out of the laundry room (which kinda makes sense for a litter box) into her carpeted room. Next to her bed.

I visited her one night and her room stank. I could barely breathe. Not only that but litter was everywhere. In the carpet. On the TV stand. Even in the bed. I decided to go sleep on the couch as I could not stand how nasty everything was. And when I got home I washed my clothes and took the longest shower I could. My clothes were permeated with cat-smell and I had to wash them twice to get it out.

I fell out of friendship with this person due to how... childish she was. When all this was taking place, she was like. 22 years old. Her disposition really affected our friendship and it had to end. I don't know what happened to the cat but I do hope it was ok. Despite the gross litter box, and it escaping twice, it wasn't in any danger. It was chunky, the dogs ignored it, and the parents seemed to be keeping an eye on it.

I will note, before I go to the next story, one other incident. She kept buying like... Iams or purina or whatever. And listen, I don't know much about cat food, but I do know dog food and what shitty dog food looks like. And it was shitty cat food I'm pretty sure. Well the cat kept getting sick so she took it to the vet and long story short she had to change to a different food that actually had nutrients in it. And she bitched about how the new food cost more. She bitched about this constantly.

And she was not destitute! She worked a full-time job and the majority of her budget was spent on fast food daily and clothes. She did buy the new food but boy she would not shut up about how much she did not want to. Like... girl having to pay for a pet is like. Pet Owning 101.

Anyways.

Story 2

This one is a little... sadder. I had a friend who had two cats that he got to help with his depression and to make his apartment feel less lonely when he was kicked out of his parent's house. And in the beginning years the cats were very well taken care of.

But then the pandemic hit. Personal life and mental illness hit him. And his life was not the same.

His now-wife's grandfather passed away suddenly and he had to help her and her family drive across the country to attend the funeral. Her parents are very cheap and did not want to get plane tickets, even tho the drive would be over 20 hours. On top of that, his wife cannot drive, so he also went to make sure they got up there safe and could switch around drivers since they were going to drive straight up there with no overnight stops.

They would be gone for at least a week, maybe more, so he asked me and my partner to watch the cats for him. I went in the evenings and my partner went in the mornings.

Now the last I saw this apartment it was a little messy but nothing worse for wear. When I entered after years of not visiting due to the pandemic... holy hell. The cat-smell hit me before I even opened the door. I could smell it standing on the other side.

And... god. It was a hoard home. That could not be denied. Things were everywhere. Rotting food in the kitchen. Clothes and trash piled up in corners and all over the floor. And worse, the floor was carpet.

He, like my friend in story 1, kept the litter box on carpet. Except this litter box was an open one with no cover. And the cats were not the most well behaved and liked to kick the litter out. Litter was all over the floor. And so was poop. Cat turds were everywhere, some just sitting there, some smushed into the carpet. And speaking of the carpet... he fed the cats both wet and dry food. The wet food he did not put in a bowl. He just peeled back the little containers and set them on the carpet. And the cats would knock over the containers, the wet food spilling out, and would smush it into the carpet as well as they ate it. The entire carpet was brown rather than beige and crusty as well.

The dry food went into a flat, oval-shaped dish. When I first went to feed them, I picked up the dish and looked for a trashcan to dump out the old food. Well my friend left his trash can full. And he had no trash bags. So I had to go get trashbags. And when I did go to dump out the old food... only part of it came out. Half of the food was completely crusted to the bottom. I went to find a papertowel to scoop it out. No paper towels. So another trip to the store.

I could not get the food out. It was crusted so badly that it would need to be deep cleaned. But... I think ya'll get the picture. No dish soap.

Now, another part of this story is how skittish these cats were. They would flee like cockroaches as soon as I entered the apartment. So I decided to Pavlov' them. They came whenever I shook their treat can, so I made an effort to give them treats whenever I first entered the apartment, whenever they came up to me willingly, and whenever I left. The first cat only took 2 days to catch on. She'd be meowing at the door for treats as soon as she heard me unlocking the door. The second took almost all week, but by the end of it, I could pet both of them and have them come up to me sans-treats.

Now the second cat, when he finally came up to me, I realized he had some matted fur. Both these cats were long-haired. And his matted fur was around the neck area. I looked for a brush and... okay, yeah ya'll know what is coming next.

Well, I fed him treats, and using my fingers, I did my best to gently brush out his fur. I couldn't get the entire knot out, but I did manage to smooth his fur out somewhat.

When my friend got back, I gave him an earful about brushing the cats fur. He said the male cat did not like his fur being brushed. I told him to buckle up butter cup cause it still needs to be done even if the cat did not like it. He had no answer regarding the full litter box he left me and my partner nor the food crust or anything else. His now-wife agreed with me on the state of the apartment and said she'd been bugging him about everything but... yeesh.

Well, he moved from there and I briefly visited his new place. In the new place, the cats are only allowed in one of the bedrooms. Altho he had only lived there for a month, the cat-smell punched me yet again.

There was no poop in the carpet, but there was litter and wet cat food already starting to crust.

Besides the fur and gross living conditions, the cats seemed fine. Claws weren't overgrown, healthy weight, normal behavior (even tho they were skittish).

I did not really know what to do in such a situation. I just let him know how I felt and chewed him out. He said he would start cleaning out their bowls better, claimed he cleaned the litter box every other day (lies but I don't own cats... and maybe his do poop that much....), and promised to start brushing out their fur. He really does love his cats, but I also know he is not taking care of them, or himself, as well as he should. As gross as the living situation was, he was also living in that mess too. But its still incredibly sad. I thought about calling animal control or some society to take a look at the situation, but sadly, there are already too many animals out there in foster homes. And besides the living conditions, the cats were fine. Up to date on all shots and everything. Unless they were physically being harmed or had signs of neglect minus some knotted fur (like being underweight or had wounds), I figured not much would be done.

Either way, I did what I could. I avoid this friend a lot now. And furthermore, the second situation is what scarred me. I cannot overstate how disgusted I was. To this day, I do not own a cat. And I cannot see myself owning one anytime in the near future either.

[death2normalcy]

Time for another installment of ‘Sam just needs to ramble on about her feelings because she doesn’t have close friends or a therapist to do this with and writing it out like this and posting it for pretty much no one to read helps’. That title is too long, but the point stands.

You do not have to read this. I am simply just randomly typing out these thoughts as they come to me.There probably won’t be any coherency to these, doing it this way just helps me calm down.

This specific one was inspired by a handful of things, the catalyst of which was a tiktok of someone telling me its okay to be sensitive and overwhelmed, which made me cry and send me on a slight spiral.

I was always the sensitive kid. I cried too much, I took everything personally, my cousins (the people I spent the most time with up until probably middle school) didn’t seem to enjoy that part of me too much (or most parts, but my recollection of my childhood is fuzzy at best). My family never seemed to know how to deal with it. I remember one incident where I was at a family reunion and I was crying (I was older, but not graduated from high school. Possibly middle school age? I can’t remember) and was left alone to just cry by myself. No one asked me about it, tried to talk to me.

I think maybe the way I was treated as a child when I was upset or when I was crying strongly shaped how I let people perceive me today when I’m vulnerable. If I even am.

I’ve talked about this one here, briefly, but my dad passed in May of 2016. It devastated me, understandably. But I wouldn’t show people that. I didn’t cry once in the hospital, he was hooked up to the machines for 5 days. I was there every single day. I’m not sure if this is 100% exactly how things progressed, but I think that not being able to just fully feel, and let others see my grief, caused my anger about his death to be amplified and I ended up taking that anger out on other people. Not...aggressively, not even that badly, but noticeably.

Thankfully, I’ve learned to recognize that the anger is occurring, so when my cat died in September, I didn’t let the anger take over.

Unfortunately, what’s ended up happening, is that I now get so uncomfortable and grossed out by anyone seeing me vulnerable in that way, I would rather die.

I haven’t cried in front of anyone in a very long time. I let them see the ‘safe’ vulnerable moments. Stuff that goes with my anxiety, and even that is a watered down version. My anxiety is easy. I can share that and that’s okay. But anything else is unacceptable.

I have also shut down in a way, I’ve become determined to be independent no matter what, to the point that I am desperately in need of help with some things and refuse to ask. I ask for easy things, like stuff at work. Not for financial help when I’m about to have to go without food just to get by because I don’t want to have to put off moving to South Korea for another year.

I can’t be vulnerable with people anymore. Because I was told and shown, from a very young age, that being open and sensitive and emotional was bad, That I was being dramatic. That my feelings were not valid and that I was a crybaby who needed to get over it.

Over and over again.

And honestly? I miss being soft. I miss just...being. But I’ve become so put off by it that the idea of expressing the vulnerability to anyone, ever, makes me want to throw up.

[otvlanga]

Teldryn Sero Headcanons 4**

Here I am, creating a whole elaborate sex life for a fictional man again 😌. You may not agree, but this is what it looks like to be at the peak of your life.

I know I said I’d do Miraak before these but I just like Telly too much to wait. Miraak coming soon though. (hehe)

 I’ve given up all motivation to make these sound pretty, they’re unedited and probably sound all over the place but idc. Him sexy anyway. You know what’s below the cut, proceed at ur own risk

I think he’s definitely one of those people that believes there’s a big difference between having sex and ‘making love.’ On days where him and his partner get to indulge in slow, gentle and passionate sex, his entire vibe does a 180. While always appreciative of his partner and their body, during these moments are when he loves to express it the most. Slow, deliberate kisses down every inch of their skin he can reach -- and on every mark, scar or flaw he knows they don’t appreciate as much as he does. He loves to take his time when he has it to spare, and really get them eager while he waits patiently. He teases in a way that makes his partners feel both beautiful and desperate, making them want him while reminding them how much that desire is felt in return. Having him take such a slow and deliberate pace is his way of expressing to his partner what he may not be able to say so articulately with words -- that he loves them and that he’s there for the good and the ‘“bad”’.

You better believe he absolutely loves saying dirty praises into his partner’s ear during foreplay. Likes telling them exactly how good they’re doing and how amazing they’re making him feel. Tells them how great they look sucking his dick, how much he loves the shape of their body and such. His delivery always sounds a bit sarcastic, but it doesn’t mean he’s being any less genuine. ‘If I had known you’d be so good at this, I probably would’ve given you a discount when you hired me.’ Little remarks like that. His partners complimenting and praising him in return will surprisingly make him incredibly bashful, and he’ll likely finish much earlier than he would’ve liked. It may pose a bit of a problem for partners who are very eager in giving praise, but he always makes up for it in other ways. He’ll get a teeny bit frustrated at his partner for messing him up, but it’s never genuine displeasure, and he expresses his appreciation tenfold in return. This mer is always incredibly grateful for some tender care, okay? It’s not often that he gets treated with such gentleness, physically or emotionally. He’s all snark and blades and fire on the outside, but he’s a family-man at heart. He loves his work and staying on the move, but he does have desires to settle down one day, and holds the people he cares for incredibly close and dear to his heart. He may not be the most verbally receptive of compliments, but his partner will certainly know he’s heard them. Compliments relating directly to him get him going much more than compliments about what he’s doing. Telling him he’s going a good job down there doesn’t do much because he knows it and can tell in other ways. But having his partner call him mushy things like beautiful or amazing will make him lose his breath for a moment, and get him blushing like a dork (much to his dismay).

He enjoys risky quickies from time to time, and finds the sight of his partner frantically trying to make themselves look decent afterwards absolutely hilarious. He’s a little bastard, and it’s quite easy to get him all hot and bothered even in less than appropriate places, so it’s not uncommon for him to sneakily pull his partner into some secluded corner to bang one out. “Right now? In a draugr crypt? Eh, why not.” *unzipping sounds* Especially likes to do it right before him and his partner are due to meet with Jarls or other important people, because their ignorance and obliviousness to what him and his partner were just doing in the extravagantly empty library is entertaining to him. Jarl Balgruuf could be drawling on about a bounty or something and Teldryn’s inner monologue is just ‘this moron has no idea I just took my spouse to the cloud district right in his palace lol’

I see him as someone who’s definitely a bit more vocal than most guys. He’s not much for loud or obscene dirty talk outside of foreplay, but he makes a lot of sounds -- especially if his partner decides to kiss or stroke along the edges of his ears.  Likewise he certainly doesn’t mind when his partners crank the volume up a bit, but any sort of excessive yelling or moaning will turn him off. Elves have quite sensitive ears, and he’s more of a visual and touch-based person when it comes to sensory information anyway. He’s much more content with seeing and feeling what effects he has on his partners rather than hearing them. Feeling and seeing his partners quiver above or beneath them, clenching around his cock, grabbing at him and digging their nails into his skin or hair, while he watches them throw their head back -- those are all the best indicators to him that they’re thoroughly enjoying what he’s doing. 

If his partner is someone who has a period, he has no problem with having sex during those days. In fact, he encourages the idea himself. He’s certainly no stranger to blood, and frankly, he doesn’t care that it may be a bit gross and messy. He’s a grown mer, he’s seen quite a few jarring horrors during his life and a bloody towel on the bed certainly isn’t anywhere close to being one. He’s aware that orgasms can help ebb away cramps as well, and would be quite eager to take up the chance to help his partner feel good and relieve their pain. He’s also extra thorough with aftercare afterwards, insistent on helping them get cleaned up and changed -- even helping them bathe if they’d like. If his partner isn’t up sex during their period, he won’t pressure them -- but he’s very clear in expressing the fact that if they change their mind, he’s totally down. 

Though he’s willing to try a lot of things at least once, there are certain things he draws the line at. He doesn’t enjoy slapping or hitting his partners much, and especially doesn’t like insulting or degrading them. No amount of begging and insisting will get him to call them offensive names or hurt their feelings, even if they’re into it. Hitting or insulting them on purpose makes him feel shitty regardless of how much they enjoy it. He’ll be alright with using words like ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ if they want it, but refuses to use anything more offensive than that. He doesn’t like smacking his partners in the face, and doesn’t like them doing it to him either. He has a high amount of respect for his partners, and isn’t comfortable harming them with his hands-- he will spank them if they ask, but that’s it. He doesn’t mind biting them or pulling their hair either, or having them do it to him, since it's not as extreme and he does enjoy being a bit intense. He also isn’t entirely opposed to using knives or blades in the bedroom since they’re his specialty, and he trusts himself not to accidentally sever an artery. He might be able to enjoy feeling his partner tense and shudder underneath him, as she runs a faint line up their back with the tip of a dagger -- or cutting their undergarments off them if permitted.

He probably doesn’t fall asleep right after, but he’s also not really one for pillow talk, either. He’ll pack a pipe with tobacco and smokes a bit, and maybe has a cup of Sujamma if there’s any on hand, and he’s more than willing to share with his partner if they’d like. He has an odd habit of impulsively trying to feed his partners after he fucks them, even though he doesn’t really enjoy cooking. He’ll get up to go wash off, and then come back twenty minutes later with a whole platter of food he got at the inn/tavern, or threw together with what they had packed. Probably pulls the old 'you need to keep yourself nourished after vigorous work blah blah blah' line because he’s secretly riddled with some sort of deeply buried maternal instincts that make him insist they stay healthy and nourished at all times. 

[intimidating-fettuccine]

For the Sake of Science

I hope you enjoy this, because I am incredibly proud of it and I think it’s my favorite work. Under the cut for length.

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My parents were very interesting people. They had odd quirks and a habit of avoiding social situations, as their beliefs had made them outcasts amongst their community. My parents both claimed to be pursuing science for the sake of advancing society, but that couldn't be further from the truth at the root of it. They just wanted to test the limits of their "science", and I happened to be the perfect guinea pig for them.

My father was a surgeon in his day to day life, and my mother had been a chemist before she was abruptly fired one day for making propositions to her coworkers that were most definitely not in the job description. She had proposed that they begin experimenting on humans with various chemical combinations to try and alter the human species to a more evolved state, a "perfect" state, as she called it. She had threatened them when they called her insane, and she was fired for misconduct. My father seemed to agree with her ideals, and soon they began trying for a child, a child that they would make the perfect human being, and that child was me.

I don't remember much from my early years. It wasn't until about the age of five that things began to take a turn for the worst in my miserable excuse for a life. I remember that I was constantly getting sick, and I didn't know why. My parents never took me to the doctor and tried to nurse me back to health at home, and it wasn't until I had overheard my parents speaking one night that I learned that they had been poisoning my food. When I stopped eating any food they would give me, they began to take different measures to run their tests.

When I was eight, they renovated the basement in our house. What was once an empty bland storage room was now a medical lab that would soon become a living hell for me for many years to come. One day my mother led me down into the basement, telling me she was going to give me a physical checkup, something she told me was normal for every child to go through. I very quickly learned this to be incorrect. Once I was in the basement, she led me over to a medical be and had me hop up onto it, and before I was aware of what was happening, she and my father had held me down and restrained me to the bed.

My mother then proceeded to pull out some chemical blend that she had filled a syringe with, and she injected me with it at small amounts at a time. She claimed she was giving me a medicine that would make me better, but in reality, she was drugging me, and she continued to do so for many years. She would restrain me and test out new concoctions, and if the results proved to be unproductive she would start back at square one and begin all over again, never asking me if I wanted it, or how I felt other than if it was making me feel stronger, or more attractive, or more intelligent, to which I always answered no.

I learned quickly to not cry out when I would protest, when I would cry, scream out for help, yank on my restraints or try to bite them. My mother had a temper, and my father seemed to have no emotional attachments to me, so he would let her do as he pleased. She would get angry with me because perfect people weren't supposed to cry and refuse treatment. She would often beat me when I wouldn't listen to her when she was feeling kind. If she wasn't she would inject particularly painful substances or make me swallow them. Other times she would tie me up and whip me until her arm was tired or she was bored.

I hated my mother, but I would take her chemical injections over my father's specialty any day. My father was a surgeon, studied long and hard for it, but he, like my mother, wanted to take his chosen study further than moral decisions would allow him. He often did vivisections of me, sometimes alone, sometimes with my mother. Maybe I wouldn't have minded him poking around in my body so much if it wasn't for the fact that I was awake and had no numbing agents used on me to prevent pain. I would just have to sit there and bear with it as he stabbed and sliced and poked around inside me while I tried not to cry out or squirm in discomfort.

Sometimes my mother enjoyed injecting her drugs directly into specific organs, which resulted in multiple organs failing in my body, and me growing even weaker and even sicker. Of course, once they crossed the threshold of human experimentation they had no issues dealing in the black market, and they were able to procure me new organs whenever I needed them. After all, they would spare no expense in their delirious pursuit of perfection. Thankfully my father stopped cutting me open eventually, although it was only due to the fact that my skin stopped healing back as fast. I was fragile, and my skin would just peel right off in some places. Whenever I showered, which I was made to do quite often, I could no longer use regular loofas or sponges because they would tear my skin right off. Such is the expected result of being drugged on a daily basis.

These issues caused my skin to not only be sensitive but look and smell bad. Nobody wished to be friends with someone so visibly dying. A few of my teachers were quite concerned and tried to get involved and help me, but they all of a sudden stopped, most likely to my parents stepping in. They would ignore me and pretend I wasn't there unless they were passing back a paper or something else of the sort. The other students I went to school with weren't as forgiving. They would pick on me, some teasing and some spitting out harsh and cruel words about my appearance, my scent, my demeanor.

I didn't complain when they mocked me and called me horrible things. I didn't complain when they swapped out my food for stale, gross replacements. I didn't complain when they soaked me in water, or when one boy decided to piss all over me while I used the bathroom because as he claimed, I already smelled like shit anyways. I didn't say anything when they'd hit me like my mother would because I was already used to the pain. Some of them got bored because I wouldn't react, and some of them continued because they used me as a way for them to vent out their stupid bullshit frustrations. One particularly nasty bitch ended up calling me "Freakshow" one day, and the name quickly spread and stuck. I would be known as Freakshow for the rest of my academic career, and I ended up keeping in the afterlife, because why the fuck not, ya know? Nobody gives a damn anyway.

My mother seemed to become more and more distressed at my horrific state of appearance. Perfect people weren't supposed to be rotting corpses, they were supposed to be angelic and beautiful. Well, let me tell you, I was not nor have I ever been angelic and beautiful, and her worried distress only caused me to go even further from that state as she would pump me full of even more chemicals to try and reverse the effects of her years of misdeeds. When she realized that wasn't working, she stopped. She quit her injections and studies and tests and I thought for once in my life maybe she'd come to her senses. What a horseshit dream that was. Turns out she was trying to have me go through a sort of rehab, to try and get my body back to what a normal human was supposed to look like. When my body got back to a semi-normal state, she plunged right back into her experiments.

Now, I never gave a rat's ass about anything in life. I had nothing to live for, nobody to care about, no interests of any kind. It wasn't until I met Jackson that I seemed to change that thought. You see, Jackson accepted me, made me feel loved, and never judged me for any of my weird qualities. He gave me something to live for, something to hope for, something to smile about. I began dating him in secret behind my parent's backs, and he did a whole lot to increase my mental state. He got me addicted, addicted to living that is. Trying new things, having a fun time, living life. Dopamine and serotonin are two pretty addictive drugs, let me tell ya, and once I was used to feeling them, I couldn't get enough of it. When I was with Jackson I wasn't Freakshow, I wasn't Dexter. I was Dex. I was alive. I was his.

When I was with Jackson, I thought that nothing could go wrong, that maybe I could escape my parent's grasp. I couldn't have been more wrong. My parents ended up somehow finding out about Jackson around the time I'd turned 19, and unbeknownst to me, they kidnapped him and tortured him for several hours when I was out of the house one day. When I returned home, my father who had been waiting for me quickly grabbed me and dragged me downstairs to the basement to show me their handiwork. Jackson was gagged, naked, tied up to the wall, and mutilated beyond repair. He was barely hanging on, and when he saw me he was choking out, trying to say my name, to say anything. Well, my mom ended up killing him right then and there, right before my eyes. She claimed it was for the sake of science, as she howled in laughter. Well, let me tell you I had never felt such emotions raging up inside me as I did at that moment.

I went absolutely batshit crazy, and it's not something I'm proud of. I went apeshit and lost it on them, screaming at the top of my lungs as I went through catharsis, releasing all my pent up emotions over the years. They tried to calm me down with my mother's bullshit excuse of a homemade anesthetic and ended up killing me. So what do they do? Maybe cry, feel bad, repent for their mistakes? Nope. They dump my ass in the backyard and act like nothing ever happened. Of course, by some ungodly happening, I ended up waking back up. Except, I didn't feel like me. I felt goddamn amazing. I couldn't feel absolutely anything. I felt free. Well, almost completely free.

I made my way up through the dirt in our backyard, and then inside the house where I found my parents discussing adoption, of all things, planning on taking in another child for this. Well, I strolled right up to them, and ya know what I did? I bashed them right over the head with the very shovel they buried me with. Let me tell ya, the most fun I've ever had in my life was drugging and torturing them the same way they had done to me. They were crying, weeping, begging me for forgiveness by the time they woke up. Asking me to forgive them, to let them make it up to me. When they realized I wouldn't change my mind they changed their tune, screaming out that I was a disgrace, a zombified monster, a disgusting creature that would never know love. I had lots of fun that night, and I did it all for the sake of science.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 128

128

Lance had snapped. Being tired and hungry did that to a man. He’d hit the point of exhaustion where he’d gone over and lost the plot... Lotor held him down as Ezor stuck her arm in his mouth. Her blood tasted gross, forced down his throat until he had the strength to get free... Then had kind of lost it over everything. He’d tried to rip the door off its hinges, hands burnt because of it. His temper tantrum stopped by Lotor, but the damage was done and he was moved from the others. With his ego beyond his ability to rein it back in, it’d taken five vampires to hurl him away from his friends, earning him a black eye and a broken nose... yet a nicer room, despite the fact he promised to behave himself if they just put him back with the others. He hadn’t even seen Curtis as friend once the blood started flowing into his mouth. Everyone had just been a source of food, with his ego being okay with that.

Dragged through what Lance now knew to be a house and not some kind of warehouse, he chained to a bed by his feet and his wrists, a collar around his neck with chain linking to the chain between his wrists. The bars of the bed groaning with his strength, yet refused to yield under his force. Hit by the full realisation of what he’d done, he’d curled up the best he could around his chains, crying himself to sleep over how violent he’d been.

He’d been in the bedroom for a few days now. Away from the others they brought him food. Human food that did nothing for his blood cravings, and blood capsules that he’d forced himself to swallow down so his body was at least getting some form of blood. The other vampires seemed wary of him now. Despite being able to take him in his weakened state, they came in a group of five. Two would guard the door, one would throw his food on the bed, one was armed with a cattle prod and another with what Lance could only call a dog catching pole. The steel comprising the loop was no joke. It’d been wrapped with razor wire that he was sure would decapitate him if they felt he was misbehaving.

Next to the bed was a bucket, Lance barely had enough chain to roll over to use it, resulting in him messing up his clothes and the bed, not that his captors cared. He was permitted one 5 minute bathroom break a day, where the was observed for the whole thing and Mr Cattle-Prod would stand right up near him with the device hovering near his back. He’d make the mistake of moving too fast to grab toilet paper and had been dropped by the device so fast he’d smacked his head on the toilet. Still, Lance hoped for all his mistreatment that they hadn’t laid a hand on Curtis. Zethrid, Acxa, and Ezor all fell under Lotor’s protection. Curtis had no one now. He bitterly cursed his outburst and attempt to escape when they’d come to subdue him. Had he kept his head level, he wouldn’t have been taken from his friend.

This waiting thing sucked. All sorts of thoughts coming to mind. Their captors were careful. He hadn’t caught a whiff of Sendak’s scent, nor was his name mentioned. Nothing important was mentioned at all... so all he had time for was his own thoughts. Like if he’d ever see Keith again, or if he was destined to die... or if Lotor had been lying and in on it all, with this whole thing being a charade or an attempt to extract information from him. He didn’t know how to feel. He really missed Keith, but he missed his Mami in a whole other way. Coran would be taking care of her, yet Coran had nothing to say that could reassure her. Lotor had left VOLTRON instead of doing all he could to help there, where his help would have been more appreciated and they could have all been out of here by now. Sleeping was the only time he could relax... forced to deal with the cuts and scraped around his ankles and wrists if he moved too much.

He was never going to complain about Keith hogging all the blankets again. Nor was he going to complain about his boyfriend’s inability to human before coffee, not that it really sucked. Keith was too unbelievably cute as he stumbled around seeking cuddles and guidance. Lance was as scared as he was tired, and frustrated that he wasn’t strong enough to withstand this forced captivity. Keith would be strong. He’d be quiet, brooding, until he worked out how get himself free. He wouldn’t go around having tantrums. He would have figured out how to get the cuffs off by now. Lance had tried to channel Keith and pick the locks with his nails. All that’d happened was he’d chipped them. Biting them broke his teeth. He was quite certain his captures thought him insane. He was acting insane.

There was only so much he could do chained down to a bed. Thanks to his little outburst he didn’t even know the way back down to the basement, so if he did break out, he’d be caught without being able to do anything for the others. Fuck. He’d even take being locked up with Lotor for the company over his own thoughts... yeah, he really was going insane... but... if Lotor actually helped him... No. Nope. No. It’d been days locked up in the room with nothing. He didn’t even bother trying to initiate conversation knowing he’d be abused if he did. Had Lotor planned something then surely things would have been in place and his arse would have been rescued by now.

*

Keith was not above torture. He wasn’t the saint Lance made him out to be... but his friends were literally the only thing he had left now that he’d been sent down to the VOLTRON staff quarters. Isolated for his own good. What a load of shit. Shiro was still in the briefing room, where he should be... not sent to rest like a little kid when he could sleep perfectly fine in a chair beside Shiro

Hearing a knock on the door to his room, Keith very nearly called out to tell them to fuck off, before remembering the rooms were sound proof and he’d actually have to face whoever was on the other side of the day. He was supposed to be resting. How could when Lance had been gone six days now and Shiro had been working his arse off for the last 4? Dragging his body off the bed, he rubbed at his tired eyes. Sleep hadn’t been his friend. He’d slept when Shiro slept because he’d believed Shiro was okay and he thought maybe with his brother back in action they would have located Lance by now.

Hearing the soft knock again, it irritated him. Striding over he flung the door open to find Miriam standing on the other side. Shit. Yeah. He hadn’t been the best person around, and he definitely wasn’t winning any awards when it came to checking up on Mami. With her standing in front of him, he didn’t know what to say. Both of them staring at each other before Mami gave him a sad smile

“Oh, my poor boy”

Shuffling forward, Keith tensed as Mami wrapped her arms around him. The last person to hug him had been his brother. Mami was tiny in comparison. Her head coming up to his chest

“M-Mami?”

“I’m glad you remember who I am. I’d be very sad if you forgot me”

Way to make him feel even shittier about himself

“What are you doing here?”

“Call it an old woman’s hunch. I thought you could use some company”

No. He really couldn’t... but he couldn’t say no to Miriam. Mami squeezed him tight before moving her hands to grip Keith’s arms lightly

“Ah... I can hear your thoughts my boy. Don’t you worry, this old bird came bearing gifts”

Keith didn’t know when Mami had the chance to cook, only that she’d brought food down to him. The bag left by the doorway when she’d shuffled in for a hug. Opening the bag, everything smelt delicious, until he caught sight of a certain bottle

“Mami!”

Mami chuckled. He supposed he sounded how Lance did when he was scolding her. The bottle of vodka wasn’t full. Mami was definitely some kind of grandma rebel

“That’s to share. I know you haven’t been taking care of yourself. Lance would have kicked you into the shower by now. My nose might just fall off”

Okay. Maybe he hadn’t showered in a little while...

“My mind’s been elsewhere”

“On our Lance. I heard about what happened with our Shiro and the others. He wouldn’t want you letting yourself go like this. Now, there’s some soap in the bag, I want you take a nice warm shower, and I’ll get dinner organised”

How was Miriam so composed? Her youngest was missing. Possibly being tortured and she... was there. With dinner, alcohol and an ungodly amount of patience. Keith found himself questioning her good intentions. He’d let her son be stolen away. Lance wasn’t back and he was... being useless. He wanted to scream. He wanted to drag in as many vampires as he could and force them to tell him where Lance was. He was acting like the Keith he’d used to be. The Keith who had nothing to lose.

“Why? Why are you here?”

“Because my boy, it breaks my heart to see you suffering”

She had to be suffering too... He had no right to

“But Lance is your son...”

“And he’s your boyfriend. Our Lance is strong. He’d be broken hearted to see the man he loved in so much pain. I have faith that our boy will come back to us. Now off to the shower with you. I had to pull many strings to sneak away from Krolia. Woman was giving me more grey hairs with her worrying than I know what to do with”

Lance probably thought he’d given up on him. He wouldn’t rest if their roles were reversed. How could he look his boyfriend in the eye?

“Do you... do think Lance will still love me?”

Miriam chuckled at him, Keith feeling self conscious knowing she was laughing at him

“My boy. That son of mine is absolutely crazy for you. Always talks my ear off about you. He says your very stubborn, but very sensitive. He’s always at me not to tease you because he doesn’t want you be sad. He adores you. Gracious, you’re as bad as my boys, you need to take a shower, mister. I can’t let Lance be seeing you like this. He’d scold me for not taking care of you”

Heading to shower, the warm water hid his tears. Keith letting everything go as he cried out how much he missed his boyfriend. He missed his whole existence. The sleepy smiles as they lay cuddled up in bed together. The way he knew Keith needed his morning coffee and let him hang off him until he was caffeinated. The way he was the dorkiest and clumsiest vampire in existence. He felt like his soul had been cut in half and he didn’t know how to exist on his own after finding love with Lance. Trying to stay strong was exhausting. Nothing was going right and no one would give him his boyfriend back. He had Lance’s clothes but he feared if he handled them too much they stop smelling like him... and then he’d have nothing anymore. Keith already felt like he was forgetting what it felt like to hold him. To hear his voice.

Cried out and much cleaner, Keith climbed out the shower slowly. The warm water left him in a state ready to pass out in bed. Without a change of clothes he put on what he’d been wearing before, having to admit that he’d definitely been past due for a shower. Lance really would be kicking his arse for how he was acting. He was 27. He needed to be an adult... no matter how much everything hurt right now. Shiro would... Shiro would work this out... and Lance and Curtis would come home. Lance would tell him off for being a wreck, but Keith wouldn’t care because his boyfriend would be back and those who took him would have paid for it... slowly. Torturously slowly.

Heading back into the bedroom area, Mami had dinner all organised. She’d even had someone smuggle in two small glasses for the vodka. Drinking would change nothing. It’d only serve to make him more depressed, but one drink wouldn’t hurt, it might even take the edge off enough to finally rest

“You smell fresh as a daisy. Dig in, you need your strength”

He smelt like Mami. The soap that Lance always went to such trouble to buy because he knew she loved it. He wanted more times like that. More times of watching Lance fuss over Miriam with love in his eyes. The way Mami was looking at him... like... like she loved him, hurt

“Uh... thanks. I... know I’ve been a terrible partner to Lance... and I’ve neglected you...”

“Hush yourself. Lance is going to be found. I’ve seen enough airport security television to know he’s not getting through a cargo detector with those racing heartbeats of my grandbabies”

Keith hadn’t thought of things like that. The image of an irate Lance stuffed in a suitcase came to mind. His boyfriend would be so fucking pissed. Still, there were other avenues open if someone really wanted out of the country. Miriam seemed almost naive to think Sendak would waltz into a public airport and fly away to Zarkon’s territory. nearly half a moment later he realised that was the lie Mami was telling herself to keep going on strong. She had to believe Lance would come back, because the only other option was her son was dead... again. Keith wouldn’t believe that until he saw Lance for himself.

“Now, let’s have a good meal and a few drinks, then you’ll get yourself some much needed sleep”

Krolia had tried to be there for him... but she was better off being where she could be useful and not chained to his side. He was lashing out. Moody. Desperate for any kind of news and angry the Blades hadn’t found something despite all their work

“Thanks, Mami. I... don’t know how you can be so kind to me. It’s my fault he’s missing”

“Don’t you say that. Those people who took him are to blame. You’re not the one who abducted him. And if you are, I’m very cross at you”

“I wish I was... then we’d know where he is”

“I suspect he wouldn’t think of it as an abduction if it was you. He’d probably skip away merrily with a smile on his face”

“Probably. He’s kind of hopeless”

“He’s also lived a long time. He’ll be back home sooner rather than later. Now, eat your dinner. You can tell me everything you know while we eat. Lance often says I give good advice”

Keith resisted rolling his sore eyes at Miriam. She was so fierce and gentle... Lance would probably be the same with their twins. Fierce, gentle, and paranoid about dropping the baby... As for the whole “advice thing”, Miriam really did give good advice. He really should be going into detail, but this was Lance’s mother. She looked at things completely different to him and everyone else around them. She had a unique kind of “inside outside” view of the situation... There wasn’t much to be lost if he talked to her... he’d just have to leave out the scarier bits

“Yes, Mami”

He and Mami shouldn’t have been left unsupervised with the vodka. One more glass turned to two more. Keith’s tongue getting away from him as he spilled too much about how all of this was making him feel. With his defences down, he could have talked to Mami all night. She held his hand, rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand like Lance would. She filled in so many parts of Lance’s life as “their little secret”. The parts of his childhood that were happy felt every bit the distant memories they were. Lance learning to drive had to be his new favourite story. His boyfriend overcompensating for his sense, driving so slow Mami smacked him until he crashed into a stop sign... then freaked out. Noticing she’d gone missing, Krolia came to find her. Eyeing the glasses on the desk, his mother raised an eyebrow, Keith feeling ashamed for actually finally relaxing and talking to someone about what he was feeling. Things were different now. He knew Krolia cared for him, but trauma didn’t disappear and he felt weak for relying on Mami when she had enough on her plate.

“Do I need to seperate you two? Or ask who was leading who astray here?”

Miriam laughed softly at Krolia, maybe his mum wasn’t as cranky as he was mentally making her out to be

“Don’t blame, Mami”

“So she’s the culprit. Leading my son astray, whatever shall I do with you?”

Mami smiled at Krolia

“You could sit and have a drink with us?”

“I only came to make sure you two hadn’t snuck out. Pidge tried to. Matt’s decided she needed rest and has sent to her to sleep”

Mami nodded, abandoning her glass in favour of placing her other hand over Keith’s

“Ah, perhaps it’s that time. Keith, you should rest too, my mijo”

He still felt self conscious... and kind of didn’t want Mami to leave. Hearing about Lance was nice. The kid that loved soccer and dancing...

“What about you?”

“When you get to my age, you can just about sleep anywhere”

That wasn’t what he meant. He kind of felt Mami shouldn’t be alone either

“Do... you want to stay?”

“I’m flattered by the offer, but can you imagine how jealous Lance would be? If I was 30 years younger I’d eat you up”

Krolia covered her mouth as she snorted at Miriam, before composing herself into “mum mode”. Keith hoped he hadn’t offended her by asking Mami to stay instead of her. He’d just... Krolia had her son and knew where he was. Mami didn’t. She was old and... He didn’t know what he’d tell Lance if anything happened to her. He hated Luis with a burning passion, but he wanted someone with Mami. He wanted someone there to take care of her and make sure she wasn’t pushing herself

“Miriam’s right. You need to sleep, we can all see it. We’ll wake you if we learn anything, and I won’t be making a move without consulting you first. It’s hard to have hope, but all we can do is trust in Lance and Curtis to do what they have to do until we can bring them home. Matt’s heading down to Garrison tomorrow to collect a few things for Rieva and pick up Blue. Maybe you could go with him? Or make a list of things that Lance would like to come back to? Oh... I’ve got this back too... I know it’s customary to keep evidence, but I felt like you should have it”

Krolia tossed something into Keith’s lap. Keith realising it was Lance’s phone. He hadn’t been allowed to keep it. Lance’s laptop was bagged as evidence when Pidge’s was retrieved from her parents... so he’d really thought he wouldn’t be allowed his boyfriend’s phone. Hitting the power button, the screen lit up. He was Lance’s background. Fast asleep with Kosmo curled up in his arms. Keith hated the photo because it was him, Lance loved it for that reason... his doggo no longer that tiny now he was 8 months old. Feeling himself growing teary. He really fucking missed Lance... Miriam squeezed his hand

“We’ll bring him home. You’ll see. Krolia, can I tempt you into a nightcap?”

Krolia groaned playfully, before nodding

“Ooooh, you’ve twisted my arm. One when we get back to your room. You’re a terrible influence on me”

Mami cackled. Maybe Krolia could be the one who stayed by mami’s side. They got on so well, and Mami would have a protector by her side

“As I’ve been told. Keith, you get a good night rest. I’ll see you tomorrow. Remind me to tell you about the first time Lance tried to make dinner on his own when he was four. I’m sure that’s a story he’d never want repeated seeing he was naked”

Mami tapped the side of her nose mischievously. Keith kind of wanted to know that story, but he kind of really wanted to find some kind of video of he and Lance to watch on repeat until he fell asleep. He knew Lance had a habit of filming things... even when they didn’t turn out right and people were left headless in the frame

“Thanks, Mami... and thanks for coming to see me”

“You’re welcome, my sweet boy. Don’t forget you can talk to me about anything”

“I know... I just... yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“That you will. Not too bright and early though, need to put my makeup on and my teeth in... You never know when you’re going to need to bite someone”

Mami sounded like Pidge, but Pidge wished she’d grow up to be as badarse

“Right, that’s enough you two. Keith, don’t stay up too late. I’ll know if you are and take that phone back”

Krolia could try. She wouldn’t get very far. He had Lance’s phone and that was the closest thing he had to his boyfriend right now. He wasn’t going to invade Lance’s privacy. He trusted his boyfriend and his emails and messages were his private business. His photos though... those were fair game.

[rosesfromcth]

Spill Your Guts. SM

Summary/AN: So I spent tonight watching clips from the late late show with James Corden and the up next videos ended up always showing me the segment ‘Spill your guts or fill your guts’ and that got me thinking about how Shawn Mendes would do on the show and how I would do if I would ever end up on the show if I were famous and it gave me an idea for a fic so here we are.

Pairing: Shawn Mendes and Famous!Reader

Word count:3.4K

#queen of the run on sentence.

This was not your first time being on The Late Late Show. It was probably one of your favorite late show to go on, you always had so much fun with James. You typically would go on with people that you were promoting other projects with to normally just talk. You’d never really done any of the game segments.

However, tonight you were playing a game with a bunch of other celebrities you had not yet met. IT was the worst possible game for you to play as well. It was Spill your Guts or Fill your Guts. For starters, you have always had a very sensitive stomach and you had a very big problem with most textures when it came to food.  But you also had never met these people and you didn’t want to make them have ti eat these foods because you hated hurting foods and you also hated having to ask them compromising questions. You could only hope that James would be your teammate for the night because you felt somewhat comfortable around him.

It was 5 minutes till your segment and you’d just been introduced to one of the other guests, Sabrina Carpenter. You have been a fan of her music for the longest time, so it was pretty exciting to meet her. The two of you were chatting when one of the crew members walks up and says that the last guest is running just a few minutes late but should be there any second.

It was just as you were about to go on when the third and final guest finally arrived. You were surprised to see it was Shawn Mendes. This was kind of surprising for a few reasons, He was your ‘celebrity crush’ and the last time you had been on the show James had asked you about who your celebrity crush was and of course you had told him and now of course he was here. You actually are so embarrassed by this that you pretend that you have a preshow routine to do quickly before you go on stage when Sabrina says she is going to go say hello. You are then told you it’s time to go on stage.

“Ladies and Gentleman, it is time for our next segment, I’d like a warm welcome for our incoming guest. Shawn Mendes, Sabrina Carpenter and Y/Full/Name!” James announces and you all rush on.

James stands to greet each of you and gives you a hug before you sit down at the rotating table of disgusting foods.

“I am so excited to have each of you here tonight, now have you all had a chance to get acquainted?” He asks as you each settle in.

“Y/N and I actually just met tonight for the first time and we had a few minutes beforehand to chat. I am quite a fan so I was a little star struck when I was told she would be here tonight,” Sabrina giggles. “But Shawn and I have known each other for a while and I always love to see him when we get the chance.”

“Sabrina and I have, um well, we’ve actually even discussed collaborating before on a song but have never had the chance.” Shawn smiles. “But I’ve never met Y/N before. I was running late tonight so I actually didn’t even get to introduce myself before we came out here. Hi Y/N, nice to meet you. I am Shawn Mendes.”

The crowd erupts in laughter and you laugh alongside them before smiling at him and offering your hand in a handshake.

“Well, isn’t that nice? Shawn, did you know that the last time Y/N was on this show she actually told  me-“ You cut James off before he has a chance to out you.

“That I am a huge fan of yours. Yeah I love your music. Anyways. James, can you tell me more about the gross foods we have to choose from?” The crowd seems to get a kick out of this because it seems they all know your little secret but Shawn doesn’t show any hint on his face of knowing what you’re hiding.

James just smirks at you before listing each of the foods.

“So I figured the teams would be Sabrina and Shawn because both of their names start with an S and Then I figured Y/N and I would be together on a team. The rules of the game are that you don’t have to answer whatever question you are asked but if you don’t you and your teammate have to eat whatever food the opposing team had chosen for you.” James explains and you all nod in understanding.

“I think this will be a very fun game tonight. actually, because I know how uncomfortable Y/N gets and how awkward she is but also that she is the nicest, most polite person I know tied alongside Shawn.” James laughs and so does the audience yet again.

You are the first to ask a question and you are told to ask Sabrina the first question in your deck. You let James pick the food that she will have to eat if she doesn’t answer. He chooses Turkey Testes.

“Oh no,” You say as you pick up the card. “I feel so bad even asking this question. Like I don’t want to put you in a hard spot.”

From besides you, James chuckles and awhs at your reaction to the question in your hands.

“Okay, ahh. Sabrina, you were on the popular Disney Channel reboot of Boy Meets World titled Girl Meets World-I have to admit I was a huge fan of that show- Who was your least favorite person in that cast to work with?” You sputter out. You can feel your cheeks grow red.

“Y/N, this isn’t even something you have to answer or risk eating a gross food for and you’re this flustered, my god!” James cries.

“Erh, Shawn, I don’t know that I can answer that. I loved everyone one that set, ahhh.”

“It’s not that you don’t like them, it’s that they were your least favorite.” James reminds her.

“Sabrina, I can eat Turkey Balls for you. You don’t have to answer that if you’ll get in trouble.” Shawn tells her.

“Um, my least favorite person on that set, oh gosh. I-I can’t.” She says as she grabs one of the Items and throws it into her mouth, gagging slightly as she does so. Shawn follows her lead and throws it straight back. They both hew for a moment and start laughing as they do so until they swallow.

Sabrina then moves on to asking James a question, which was very similar to many questions he gets, was about who the worst singer he did Carpool Karaoke with was.

“James, don’t answer, please. Don’t. I can, ugh, I can drink this Sardine Smoothie.” You protest. “Or say, I was the worst if I was, I can handle it.”

He looks at you for a second. “I’m so sorry, I can’t say that because it wouldn’t be true. But I can’t tell you who the worst was either. Sorry, Y/N, bottoms up.”  

Both of you grab a glass and take a chug of the thick liquid. You plug your nose as you do so to try and hide of some of the taste. It it’s chunky and thick and just disgusting. You try and down it but end up gagging and having to spit it out.

“Well, I definitely do not feel super attractive after that.” You announce as you take a big gulp of water and use your napkin to wipe your face and to that everyone laughs.

James asks Shawn a question which he actually doesn’t end up answering. James then tells Shawn to grab a card to ask you a question and tells them to select a food for you to eat but tell them to go easy on you with the food because of how flustered you are already which of course makes you blush harder.

“Y/N, since we are looking to stir up some drama onstage tonight, can you list five Shawn Mendes songs, five of my songs?” He smiles at you and for a second you have to ask him to repeat because just looking at his smile breaks you for a seconds “Or you can drink some pickle juice.”

“Wow they really went easy on me tonight. When I said I was a fan earlier, I wasn’t lying to either of you about being a fan. But okay, five songs. Um, there’s Life of the Party. Which oddly enough was really the first song that got me into your music. Back when you were touring with Austin Mahone, my friend who was a huge Mahonie, I believe is the fandom name, had a group of us go the concert near our hometown for her birthday. And we both fangirled so hard over you at that concert. Okay so life of the party was like your big song at the time and oof, we loved it. Okay, one down, four to go. When you’re ready, Lights on, Roses and then, um, Falling all in you is another of my favorites.” You could feel yourself rambling so as soon as you said the last one you cut yourself off.

You picked up the glass of pickle juice and thought about how as a kid you used to drink it straight up.

“The funny thing is, I used to love pickle juice, I could drink it by the jar. And I’ve heard it’s a pretty good hangover remedy. As a kid, I would beg my parents to let me drink it and they would usually indulge me a bit but never let me drink a lot because they said I would get a tummy ache.” You brought the glass to your mouth and took a sip, sighing at how good it tasted to you. It was probably the weirdest food you enjoyed.  You quickly finished the drink as everyone laughed at you. James was a bit in awe because he didn’t expect it considering how you had a weak stomach and were gagging at most of the foods as they passed you on the table. Shawn and Sabrina both picked up glasses as well and raised their glasses to you before taking a sip. Sabrina also finished her glass off, but Shawn’s face quickly puckered and he set the glass back down.

“Wow, I’ve never seen all of the guests try a food when none of them had to. She answered the question. You two aren’t even on her team!” James exclaimed as the audience quieted down.

It is then your turn to ask Sabrina another question and this time she is able to answer. She continues the game by asking James about which celebrity has been the worst behaved on his show and he jokingly answers that it was Harry Styles but then refuses to answer seriously so you end up drinking bird saliva, which again, you are unable to swallow.

“Shawn Mendes, my question for you has to do with both of the young and talented women we have here with us tonight.” James turns and smirks at you and you can feel the heat rise to your cheeks. What is he doing? “My question, and you cannot go wrong with your answer because both of these women are beautiful and funny and kind, is who would you most likely date out of your co-guests tonight?”

If James hadn’t embarrassed you enough at this point, he winks at you and nudges your shoulder. Shawn has to have some clue at this point.

He’s going to choose Sabrina. She is a strong and successful woman, not to mention she is just so cute and funny. Hell, if you were him you’d choose her. Besides, they are already friends and he knows her unlike you.

Sabrina is grinning at Shawn, even she knows he’ll choose her. This is embarrassing. “C’mon Shawn, tell her.” Then she grins directly at James and winks. That’s when you notice that Shawn’s cheeks are possibly just as red as yours must be.

“Well, I would have to admit that Y/N is probably who I would choose since she’s been my celebrity crush for quite some time.” He awkwardly chuckles and then sneaks a glance at you and you awkwardly look away.

It makes sense, you’d been set up completely and you can feel a grin grow on your face.

“Wow, isn’t that interesting, Y/N, last time you were here you were actually telling all of us about how Shawn Mendes, who is sitting right there and just confessed that he would like to take you on a date, is your biggest celebrity crush.” James feigns shock and you see Shawn’s mouth curl up into a smile that matches your own as James spills the beans.

Shawn then asks you your last question of the night, both of you sending each other shy glances and smiling softly as James closes the show.

Sabrina and you walk off the stage together one the cameras stop filming. You exchange phone numbers and make plans to meet up for coffee sometime soon. James and Shawn stay at their spots for a moment while you converse with Sabrina. One of the crew members walked over and offers you each a disposable tooth brush and a mini tube of toothpaste. Sabrina leads you to her dressing room where you continue to chat and brush your teeth of the gross aftertaste that is lingering in your mouth from the game.

When you walk back out to the set, she says goodbye to you and walks with you to Shawn and James. Sabrina gives Shawn a quick hug and then pulls James to the side to talk to him, James winks at you before walking away.

“We were really set up, weren’t we?” You giggle, breaking the ice.

“Yeah, I’d mentioned it to Sabrina a while ago that I thought you were cute and she must’ve told James at some point and then the orchestrated this.” He laughs with you.

“I had no idea you would be here tonight, to be honest, it really threw me off. But I was happy I got to meet you, if nothing else.”

“Yeah, yeah me too.” He agrees and you both say goodbye.

It’s as you are gathering your items out of your dressing room that you notice the presence of the tall singer.

“Hey Shawn, what’s up?” You turn to look at the singer.

 “So, about tonight, I actually would love to get to know you a little bit better and maybe take you on a date?” Shawn asks.

It takes you a second to realize what he is asking and that this is reality, not a dream. When you finally realize that you had yet to respond, you give him your full attention and stop packing your bag up.

“I would love that.”

After that night, the two of you went on three dates before he asked you to become his girlfriend. You kept your relationship fairly quiet for a while, telling everyone you were really good friends. You ended up announcing it officially six months later when you went back to The Late Late Show. James took all credit and pretended to be shocked just like when he first heard about Shawn’s crush on the show that first night. The both of you had actually told James fairly quickly after you got together. James continued to talk about how he would be taking credit for getting you together and decided he had to call Sabrina Carpenter on air to tell her the news. This led to him explaining to the audience his plan that he and Sabrina had created to get the two of you together. She had seen the episode when it first aired of you telling James about your crush and had decided she had to get you two together if it was possible. To this day whenever, you or Shawn are on the show he brings up his matchmaker status. “100 percent matching success.” He will brag.

Now, two years later, you are seated back at the table with disgusting food surrounded by Harry Styles and Steve Carrell. The two Europeans, Harry and James are on a team and you are paired with Steve. James has yet to brag about being the reason behind your relationship. Which is odd, because anytime you see him, that’s typically the first thing he will say.

The questions had been fairly easy so far and the only weird food you’d had to consume was pickle juice yet again.

“Y/N. The last question of the night goes to you,” James looks at you. “The first time we played this game, I was able to set you up with your boyfriend of two years, Shawn Mendes. By the way, if anyone needs a significant other, come to me. 100 percent of the couples I have set up are still together.” He tells the audience. They laugh as you correct him telling them you are the only couple he has set up.

He is quick to shush you. “My question for you actually doesn’t come from my crew. My question is very special. Your boyfriend, Shawn Mendes, wants to know if you will do him the honors of marrying him.”

You gasp as he says this thinking it’s a joke but then the crowd erupts into cheers and both Steve and Harry are clapping and staring behind you.  You turn around and are greeted by the smiling face of your boyfriend.

“Hi.” You whisper to him, “is this real?”                                      

“Y/N, We met exactly two years ago on this stage. I figured this might be the perfect way to do this. I’ve known I wanted to do this since our first date. And with the help of our friends, James and Sabrina, I am able to do this in what I hope is the right way.” Shawn explains.

“I love you with my whole heart, you are the kindest and most beautiful person I know. I want to make you laugh every day for the rest of our lives and kiss you whenever I want. I love how generous and selfless you are, especially with both your fans and mine. I will never understand how I got so lucky to have you in my life and I will spend every day trying to do what I can to deserve you and your love. You make me a better person and a better artist. I hope I get to wake up next to you every day and fall asleep with you in my arms every night for the rest of our lives. So my question for you, is will you marry me? Remember, if you say no there is a cow tongue on that table for you to eat?” He is now kneeling on the ground in front of you. He has the ring box in one hand and your hand is in his other hand.

“Yes.” You whisper.

“Yes?’ He asks, smiling at you in disbelief.

“Yes!” You exclaim and he slips the ring on your left ring finger. You collapse onto the ground so you are at the same height as him and wrap both arms around his neck, pulling him into you. He pulls away after being content with how long he’s been able to hug you and kisses you. Then he jumps up and fist bumps the air.

“She said yes!” He yells and jumps around. He is such a dork, but you know exactly how he’s feeling because you feel the same. You laugh as you stand up next to him and wrap your arms around his waist again and he presses a kiss to your forehead pulling you as close to his chest as possible.

James then comes over and congrats you before announcing a special guest. Sabrina Carpenter walks onto stage and announces she’ll be singing a new song that she just recently finished writing with Shawn title “Marry Her One Day.”

[boy-porridge-vent]

Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

 New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

 * I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

 A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

 Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

 if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

 This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

[im-sans-a-will-to-live-blog]

Knight in Blue Armor

I wrote this a few days ago to help me get out of a depressive slump. It originally started out as a crack fic and then it snowballed into an actual story lol. Most of my stories end up like that though so it’s no surprise. Hope you guys enjoy this one of our sweet Blueberry. 

Summary:

You’ve been stewing in your own filth for about a week and you just can’t seem to find the will to get up and shower. You haven’t eaten but maybe once in the past two days and you have almost made a hole in the couch where you’ve been camping out. Enter Blue, your amazingly wonderful, highly energetic, heart attack giving boyfriend and your week goes from bad to good.

You sat on the couch in the same clothes you’ve worn for a week and you could smell yourself. You shifted and your stank wafted up to your nose making you grimace but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. Depression hit you hard and it refused to let you go so you were just relaxed in its paralyzing grip and went with the ride.

Hunger gnawed at you but you ignored that too. Food wasn’t appealing at the moment and you didn’t want to get up from your comfortable but gross position on the couch. You had just sent a text to your best friend agreeing on how hot a character was from your favorite fandom and was planning to lay down for your third nap of the day when your front door was opened with a resounding bang. It scared the shit out of you and with a startled yell, you looked up to see your boyfriend, Sans, standing in the doorway with his knees bent and his arms up to his shoulders and his fists clenched towards the ground.

“HUMAN!!! I HAVE RECEIVED NEWS OF THE LACK OF CARE YOU HAVE SHOWN YOURSELF!!!”

You gaped at him as he stomped towards you and suplexed you above him with a thundering laugh as he jumped over the couch, making a beeline to your bathroom.

“MWEH HEH HEH HEH! I AM HERE TO BRING YOU OUT OF YOUR SLUMP!!! THE FIRST STEP IS TO BATHE!!!”

“Blue,” you yelled as his scarf slapped you in the face when he flipped you over his shoulder with your ass in the air, kicking your bathroom door open, “what is going on?!?”

“THE MAGNIFICENT SANS IS HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND WASH AWAY YOUR TROUBLES WITH HIS SOOTHING VOICE AND CHARISMATIC PERSONALITY!!!!”

You screamed a little as he practically plopped you in front of him and turned on your shower, setting it to what he thought was an appropriate temperature. He hooked his fingers under the lip of your stinky, sweaty graphic T and ripped it off your body. You squeaked and tried to cover yourself but he wasn’t having any of it. He reached behind you and, with years of practice, unclasped your bra, slipping it over your shoulders with a gentle but firm yank.

“BLUE!” You complained and stomped your foot a little childishly as he threw the bra behind him, smirking down at your flushed form. His innocent act went out of the window as soon as he saw your chest. He reached forwards and palmed your breasts, thumbing your nipples. He giggled softly when you groaned at the sensation of his gloves on your skin; your boyfriend was very sporadic at times and while yes, you were flustered, this behavior wasn’t new.

He slid his hands down your stomach and yanked you to him, your sensitive nipples grazing against the battle body he always wore. He leaned down and bit your ear softly, ignoring how greasy your hair felt against his skull and whispered, “If you won’t take care of yourself then I guess I’ll have to take matters into my own hands.” He groped your ass and you gasped when he slipped his leg in between yours and pushed up. You grabbed his shoulders and he made his move, slipping his fingers into the sides of your sweat pants, yanking them down to your ankles. You glared at him when you realized his trick and he just grinned up at you with his signature stary eyed gaze. How could you stay mad at that cute face?

He reached behind you gage the temperature of the shower. Deeming it acceptable, he picked you up by your waist and settled you under the warm spray. You were a little aggravated by his manhandling but you knew his SOUL was in the right place so you sighed and turned your face into the water. You shivered as you felt him slide in behind you, having stripped himself of his armor in record time. You shook your head with a laugh as he hugged you from behind.

“I thought I was taking a bath,” you mused as he reached for your cotton candy scented shampoo.

“I, MYSELF, AM SWEATY AND GROSS FROM TRAINING WITH ALPHYS. I FIGURED WHILE I TAKE CARE OF YOU, I COULD ALSO CLEAN MYSELF UP.” He popped the shampoo open and squeezed it on top of your head, closing it before slipping a hand into your hair and setting it back onto the lip of your bathtub shower combo. You sighed as he massaged your scalp, bunching your hair up at the nape of your neck and giving it a good scrub, letting it go and then coming back to your scalp.

“Alright. But you scared the shit out of me. A little warning that you’d be coming over would be appreciated next time.”

“BUT THEN IT WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN A SURPRISE.”

You groaned as he worked his fingers and turned around to face him to let the water rinse your sudsy hair as you talked, figuring he had given it a thorough enough wash.

“While I appreciate the thought,” you reached up and cupped his face in your hands, internally squealing at the blue blush that blossomed on his face, “it would be nice to have a heads up. You know my anxiety gets the best of me sometimes and I don’t always know it’s you when you barge in. We’re lucky I didn’t have an attack this time.”

His face fell and he looked incredibly guilty and you immediately tried to backtrack.

“I didn’t mean that in a bad way! I just...we both know my mental state still isn’t where it needs to be. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve helped immensely with that but I’m still healing from the negative mindset I had before I met you. These things take time and I’m afraid I’m never going to have enough…”

He perked up and grabbed your face in return, staring down at you with so much conviction, so much love, you didn’t know what to do with yourself.

“I KNOW YOU HAD A VERY HARD LIFE BEFORE ME. I AM REMINDED EVERY TIME YOU FLINCH WHEN I AM A LITTLE TOO ENTHUSIASTIC IN MY AFFECTION FOR YOU OR WHEN YOU WAKE UP WITH NIGHTMARES. BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT, I WILL BE HERE TO HELP YOU GET TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE. I’VE SEEN YOUR PROGRESS. YOU’VE COME A LONG WAY BUT THE END TO THE ROAD THAT YOU TRAVEL IS STILL QUITE A WAYS OFF. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO TRAVEL IT ALONE. EVERY LITTLE HICUP, EVERY SUCCESS, I WILL BE THERE.”

Your eyes stung with tears as you kissed him, trying to put all your love, all your appreciation for him into it. He kissed you with just as much vigor and swept a hand over your head, pushing residual suds into the water. You pulled away and sighed dreamily as his pupils shaped themselves into little hearts.

“What did I ever do to deserve you?”

He let out a soft “mweh heh heh” and kissed you again before reaching for the washcloth beside you. You grimaced and yanked it out of his grip, rambling before he could be offended.

“This one is dirty! I leave them in here and change them out the next time I have to shower...and the last time I showeredwasaweekago.” You threw it into the floor and looked away as you flushed with shame.

“MWEH! WELL, I SHALL GO GET ANOTHER!!” He stepped out of the shower and out into the hall, quickly grabbing a cloth and a towel before running back into the bathroom. He set the towel onto the sink and slid back into the shower with you. It confused you how the fact that you had left a used washcloth in the shower for a week didn’t bother him but you didn’t question it.

He reached for the blueberry scented body wash his brother had gotten you as a gag gift last giftmas and chuckled as he slathered it onto the cloth. He massaged your body with it, adding just enough pressure for it to feel like a massage. You enjoyed his ministrations and after he was done, you returned the favor. The two of you finished up and stepped out, drying each other off with soft smiles.

You lead him to your bedroom and thanked whatever deity that was listening that you had the foresight to at least change your bedsheets. You both fell into your bed in a tangle of limbs and bones and talked a little bit about his training before you dozed off in his arms, wondering how the hell you got so lucky.

[kendrixtermina]

Disclaimer For Potential Partners (f/m/x)

Writing this down as much to gather my thoughts and go into this with clear priorities as for possible future reference. 

My mother always told me that if you wanted everyone to like you, you’d have to be a 50 dollar bill. I have come to accept that I’m more like licorice. Some people aren’t gonna like me but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t others who would appreciate me. 

I’d rather you run away screaming NOW than in three years when we’re both invested so Let’s get all this out of the way:

I’m bisexual. Yes, I’ve dated dudes in the past. I’ve had a brief online flirt with an agender person and do think androgynous ppl are hot which I suppose would make me pan in some ppl’s books, at this point the choice in label is purely aesthetic. I’m looking for a female partner right now because I’ve always had a slight preference for girls anyways but a sufficiently compatible non-female would not be refused. 

Because ppl have gotten this wrong in the past: Preference is about how likely you are to notice that someone is hot in the first place like in the early stages. It doesn’t mean my attachment to those dudes was any less “real” (or the other way around!) I just flat out don’t care whats in your pants there are other things to be picky about

From since I was young, the message I got from music, books etc is that it’s pretty bad to say “I love you” unless you truly mean it. So I don’t say “I love you” until I’m 100% sure I can do that it good conscience. It seems that it takes me a bit longer to be sure than most people, but it’s not like I’ve conducted statistics on this

I’m not vegan/vegetarian and I’m never going to be vegan/vegetarian

I’m not a pet person 

I’m not a sporty person and I’m never going to be a sporty person

Go through my stuff, spy on me in any way or ask me to tell you where I am at all times and its over

I’m an antiprohibitionist and don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with taking recreational substances. Conversely, I’m not interested in that sort of thing as a full-on lifestyle either. 

I try to keep an open mind and try everything once but im probably not gonna reorganize my life around new age woo-woo. 

So far my folks have liked most my partners, but if our social circles don’t get along I’m comfortable with leaving them separate. 

I believe in judging people as individuals first. I don’t wanna hear no paranoid shit about “the muslims” or other stereotypical carricatures but if you’re gonna be “europeans that europeans this” as if im not in the room its not gonna work. 

Don’t be fooled by the foreign-sounding surname im a potato through and through. No exotic fanservice to be had here. 

Barring unforseen dictatorships, I don’t want to move out of Europe. I like it here. Its full of frustrating dumbasses but so is the rest of the world.  Yay for cheese and consumer protection laws! I would consider moving closer to the shore though. 

It’s fine if you don’t speak German but you should not hate or dislike it.  English is a plus because me, my friends and my family are into internet culture

I haven’t spoken to my father in five years. No, you’re not going to patch this up. You don’t have to ignore him too if you’re not comfortable but you’ll have to respect my choice instead of playing family therapist or throwing platitudes about forgiveness at me. 

Im not counting and it depends on your definition but Ive fucked at least 15-20 people, which according to statistics is above average? Always used rubber unless it was long-term and exclusive tho. That might bother some ppl. 

That said it has been my conclusion that fucking does nothing that a beer can’t do and that the real quality stuff is what you could already do as a grade schooler when you still thought of all the grownup stuff as mystical. Having ice cream together, exploring new places, having contemplative conversations in the rain, telling each other your fantasies? That’s The Stuff. 

Hence while I wouldn’t turn down some fuckage along the way what im looking for at this point is someone to share life and grow old with, like there doesn’t need to be the expectation of further strings but the end goal RN is to find One That Sparks Joy(TM) that will get precedence

I’m not big on material gifts or the ritual part of dating if thats important to you I might not be the ideal candidate, but if its not thats probably good for your wallet

I’m a strong introvert. Sometimes I go weeks without talking to anyone other than my boss or maybe texting my relatives. If you’re very introverted or work alot this might be an advantage. Of course if I love you I will try my best to match up to your attention needs but if you need your partner to text you 15 times every day to feel good I might just not be your cup of tea

That doesn’t mean im not interested in going on or doing new experiences. I very much hope to do that together with you just not 5 days a week - if you can’t give new things wholehearted tries things might get uncomfortable

I like spicy food and all sort of asian cousine, but if you can’t stand the sight of cheese, asparagus and sausage it’s not gonna work either. I can obviously put less chili in your portion. 

I tend to talk fast and I find it hard to stop it even if I try, if that bothers you look elsewhere

I cannot stand forced optimism OR over-the top misanthropy or snobbishness. I will gush about things, but I like my dark edgy content and I stand by it. It is an advantage if you like talking about art. If you don’t like morbid humor that might be a problem

No diet talk

No perfectionism

No passive aggressive ppl or ppl that are uncomfortable with direct confrontation. That won’t work, we’d just set each other off even without meaning to and it would just be sad. If Im doing something wrong don’t expect me to notice by magic, tell me to my face so I can fix it. Don’t be hostile out of nowhere and don’t beat around the bush. 

im not religious or spiritual. I don’t mind if you are but if you want to have kids and bring them up strongly-immersed in some Abrahamic faith im not sure if this is the right adress

No anti-intellectualism (no snobbery, elitism or smartassery either - as a wise pig once said, “Knowledge is a horizon to strive for, not a prize to hold in your hand” It begins with realizing what you don’t know)

Indifferent about monogamy, but I wouldn’t say that I’m the sort of person who needs non-monogamy either.  If you want to we can do it (write me out some list of where you draw the lines so there’s no misunderstandings) but if you don’t it’s no biggie. I don’t care if you fuck 10 other people - for me, respect, honor and loyalty are to do with other things, like, don’t make fun of me and don’t expect me to change because one (1) person said I’m weird or whatever.

Don’t give me diseases tho. I’ll take precautions to extend the same courtesy to you.  

Potential character flaws: I can be a tad sensitive, disorganized and defensive sometimes, not gonna sugarcoat it. I have no filter and curse like a sailor. Also I have zero social skills and sometimes I come across as either angry or unemotional when its really the opposite. I find that just as confusing and contradictory as that sounds, I have like zero sense of how I come off. I try to be aware of all of these and do right to everyone to the best of my ability but if you’re sensitive about any of these point someone else might be a better fit 

2 kids max. I’m not sure I’ll have ANY at this point, and most certainly not in the next 5 years. IF we decide to have some later I volunteer to carry them though, I probably have good genes, my mom popped out 4 babies in 6 years with nary a complication. Besides I’d rather it was me dealing with the gross pregnancy stuff than someone I love

My favorite bedroom stuff is fingers-in-front-cavity and butt stuff. Mild sleepsex fetish but nothing super pronounced. What I don’t like or just am not very good at is top/bottom play. 

So far most my partners have had somewhat stronger sex drive than me but Id argue that I very much have one and ive never refused unless I was in physical pain, severely sleep-deprived or working on some important work-related thing that was due the next day. 

It’s important - and science backs me up on this - that you can freely talk to each other in n open, natural and relaxed manner

If you think im weird just do us both the favor and stay away don’t come at me with the attitude that you’re gonna mold me to your desires - even just writing this comes off kinda touchy but im saying this because some people out there really don’t get it. Like my natural tendency is to be open, courious and realistic,  but some people see that as free real estate and then it falls to me to be the reasonable one and End The Madness and im tired of that.

Like I want to be able to give love and pour out all my inner romantic shit without having to be afraid of being fucked over I want to be able to trust you with my inner harley quinn as well as my inner phantom of the opera 

UGH that sounded a bit tryhard didn’t it? But its the best description i could come up with

Must remember to translate this into mordor speak later

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #192

“i’d love to give you wings, but babe, you’ve got to grow them.”

Where have you lived throughout your life? The same general area in North Carolina. Do you find your job rewarding? N/A What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? I'm sure it was red velvet. To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? I enjoy both, but bagels. Do you paint your nails? No. What’s the last website you signed up for? Good question... maybe a feral dog RP forum I was considering making a character on? Do you check your email everyday? I'm getting into the habit. Have you created any pages on Facebook? Yeah. Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? Social studies/history, math. What’s your favorite song by Dave Matthews Band? I have no idea who that is. Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? Maybe? Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? No. Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? Nooo, not at all. Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover? No. Have you ever had a panic attack? Plenty. Are you deathly allergic to anything? No. Have you ever had a mouse in your house? Yeah. In our old one, anyway. Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? Not personally, I think. Is anyone you know really religious? Welcome to the South. Yes. Are your eyebrows naturally thick? I'd say they're average. Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? No. I haven't spoken in front of an actual audience since my senior project, though. It was hard, but I think I did well. What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? I'm not sure. Moana may have gotten me a bit teary? But if no, Coco absolutely did. Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? I think "hate" is a strong word for it. Has a laptop ever burned your legs? Yes. I legitimately had dark spots on my right leg for a long while. Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow? Juan. Who was the last person to flip you off? Idk, but I'm sure it was playfully. Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? Miiiine! And my friend Alyssa's. Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? Sure, in rare circumstances. Are you good at following directions? No. I have zer-O sense of direction. Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? Sara. From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? Yeah, behind me. When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? Not unless I'm with my grandmother. She's extremely "proper" about things. Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? Electric. Are your biceps at all noticeable? No. Have you ever seen a walrus? Are there any at SeaWorld? Otherwise, no. When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? HELL NO. I'm a germaphobe with that stuff. If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? Sure? Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer? I don't recall the science behind this theory, so idk. When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? Oh yes, especially if it's someone I'm very close to. Particularly, I can't handle Mom, my sisters, or Sara crying. I've never seen Dad cry, but if he ever did, I know I would bawl. Do you tend to jump to conclusions? Was this written as a direct @me??????? Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? NOPE. I only remember... Sara's, Connie's, Caleb's (just because it's on Halloween), Shaylee's, and that's literally it out of friends/acquaintances. Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? Actually use WiiFit. I'm doing periodic exercises throughout the day, but I need to dedicate more and be able to see my center of balance. Ever pop someone else’s pimple? NONONONONO IT'S SO GROSS TO ME How long does it take you to fall asleep? No less than 15 minutes, I think usually more. Do you crack your neck often? I can't. Did you have a weird dream last night? OH MY GOD YES. I was awkwardly with one of my acquaintances at his house somehow????? and we both seemed very uncomfortable??????? and I think I was high or some shit???????????????? I don't even know this person well enough to like-like him?????????????? Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? My sisters and successful friends. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things. But I aim for both. In what way are you your own worst enemy? I criticize. The. Hell out of everything I do. What activities make you lose track of time? Video games. When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” Full offense, you're an absolute dick if you do that. Who do you tell your secrets to? Nobody really unless there's reason to, and only ever Sara, Mom, or my therapist. Who do you live with? Mom and the pets. When did/will you graduate? '14 for high school. Idk when I will for college, gotta get there first... When are you moving next? Probably when Sara and I are ready for our own place. When is the last time you took a vitamin? I have to twice a week now, so Thursday, because I have an incredible vitamin D deficiency, and that's probably what's causing my knee problems. Why are you stressed? The everlasting weight loss struggle. Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? No. Where do you keep your birth certificate? It's in a safe. How many books are in your room? Uhhh like three? Then one coloring book. Have you ever been IN a wedding? I was the immensely triggered and ugly bridesmaid at my older sister's. Weddings were a very sensitive thing to me at the time, so while I was so happy for Ashley, I had a very difficult time and cried numerous times. What was the last thing you laughed out loud at? I think during a Mark video? Do you have a nickname? Why? "Britt" for obvious reasons, and Mom's called me "Twinkie" since I was a baby. She gave all her children sweets-based nicknames. Fuck out my face if you think that ain't the cutest damn thing. Have you ever had a bad concert experience? No. When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? I think the last time was when Sara said I looked really pretty with eyeliner on and I just eeeeeeeeeek. I'm not often told it. Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? Not romantically. I'd like to see Girt as a bud; I'm gonna invite him to my birthday dinner to hang out. Hopefully he doesn't have work. Want someone back in your life? Yes. Are you currently sad about anything? Weight. Unbelievable difficulty getting my fucking transcript and inability to find my ACT score so I can go back to school. Are you wearing anything shiny? My lip ring has gems on it, and they shine a bit in the right light. How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? I need it. I don't think I could really enjoy a constantly serious person as a partner. How many followers do you have on Twitter? Idk, don't care to check. I only ever use it to be able to like Mark's shit lmao. Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Open so Roman can go in and out. Have you ever been to the beach? Multiple times. Can you handle blood? Doesn't bother me a bit. Do you pay your bills or do your parents? My parents. I have no source of income to. What’s your best friend’s middle name? Jane. Has any place hired you underage for a job? No. Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? In college courses when my mental state was at its worst. Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No. Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? No, I don't think so. Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? "Very" is unlikely, but I am dead serious about being at least perfectly financially stable one day. I refuse to live how I have my whole life so far, wondering if rent will be paid each month 'n things like that. Do you remember your first time going to the movies? No. Does eating breakfast make you sick? No. Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute? No. Well, not dying to, but after this whole revelation I had, I really want to apologize to Jason. I wasn't without evil in how I responded to and treated him after the breakup. Book series you enjoyed reading recently? I haven't read a series in years. Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? Nooo. Summer sucks and lying in grass is super uncomfortable. Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? No. Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? Not fading, but literally gone from the keyboard because this one is horrible, even after being "fixed" or replaced (idr). No joke, 21 are gone. Sooo I have to smash those buttons for the sensor or whatever to understand I'm pressing them, to the point my fingers, especially right pointer, are mildly callused. Do any of your close friends have children? No close ones, but one I'm hoping to reconnect more with it expecting. What do you plan on having for dinner? Probably a sandwich and nutrition shake to get enough calories to take my medicine and get the intended effect. Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? The only things I enjoy now are fried rice and eggrolls, but I used to like sweet and sour chicken and bird on a stick or whatever its proper name is. Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? Once. Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? We're not like, "real" friends, but I know a good number of and get along great with the employees at the parlor I'm a regular customer at. I want to work there so badly. Small, environment I feel at home at, great people. Have you ever played flashlight tag? Don't even know what that is. Could you call yourself a movie buff? Not at all. Have you ever had a piercing get infected? A second hole in one of my earlobes, and the first time I got my tongue done, there was an abscess inside that indicated one was likely to form. Thank God that the rollercoaster of The Tongue Piercing Woes has ended. Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? Mom does occasionally. Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? NOOOOO MY LEGS ARE NOT OKAY. Plus I chafe. Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy? Ohhhh I'm sure. I haven't been to her house since I was a kid, but I remember it being like, pristine. Her rooms at her son's is neat as hell too. About how much can you bench press? I have no clue. Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? Yeah. Is anybody in your family a carpenter? Not to my knowledge. Are you avoiding someone? No. Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? I have a gf, and I have never in the least understood how that's a term of endearment. What’s your favorite primary color? Red. What were you for Halloween? Nothing, ugh. I haaave to dress up this year. Do you have any clothes from Walmart? Yeah. When did you get a Facebook? I have no clue. What color are your eyes? Grayish-greenish blue. What motivates you? How far I've already come, wanting a better future than I have now, encouragement from friends, family, my therapist, and psychiatrist, the drive to thoroughly enjoy my one mortal existence. Can you walk in heels? Not well. When was the last time someone asked you your age? Ummm, last time I got something done at the parlor, I think? Do you keep a journal? No. Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? No. Do you wear a ring on your finger? One, my friendship ring with Sara. What are you doing? This, listening to Asking Alexandria's "Closer" NIN cover (no shame), and waiting for Girt to reply on Facebook. What’s the last kind of soup you ate? A bit of vegetable. Do you currently have a sunburn? No. Who did you last text? Mom. Who’d you last call? About what? My old college to find out why I couldn't get my fucking transcript after weeks upon weeks of being directed to different people about it. I regret going there immensely. Complete waste of time and money. Are you currently frustrated with someone? I'm really frustrated at myself. Do you drink water or soda more often? I'm actually not sure... Do you straighten your hair? No. When did you last talk to your brother or sister? One, not since Christmas, and the younger, a few days ago. All my half-siblings have been forever, and one I've never spoken to. What is your least favorite vegetable? Probably asparagus. Or beans. Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. Sara, Mark, Shane Dawson. In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? English or art, idr. Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? No. When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? Being into what's called "vulture culture" now (at least to a certain degree), I searched for quite a while for the bones of the very first opossum I photographed (I have a photography "series" focused on exposing the horror of roadkill to hopefully influence people to be more careful and vigilant), but despite thorough searching, I couldn't find it. Gruesome, but Mom speculated the remains were destroyed by whoever mows the grass there. Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? No, and never. When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing? Describe it. Uhhh. I seriously have no clue. Maybe some underwear months ago. Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female? Idk who the last person was. Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. No. Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? I can literally almost guarantee Colleen shared our whole goddamn conversation and shit on Facebook after our last talk, as she did the first time too. Too many times our business became everyone's. I'd forgive her, but I refuse to ever be friends again. Nastiest thing you've ever done? I hate talking about this, but okay. When I was deep into my suicidal depression phase, I had a hard time brushing my teeth as needed. Like... I wouldn't for days. I avoided brushing my hair as long as I could too. Anyone who doesn't believe in how deeply depression is capable of chaining you down and making vital things almost impossible, go get fucking educated. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No. What color is your shower? White. Where do you order your pizza from? Ideally Domino's, but sometimes Little Caesar's. When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone? Yesterday. Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? Oh yes. I rarely try something new. What color is your bike? N/A What word can you not stand to hear people say? The “n” word. What room of your house are you in? My bedroom. What is the temperature in your city right now? Apparently 38 F. When did you last use a post-it-note? No idea. Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? No. Do you have a fan in your bedroom? I have three lmao. My room is unbearable in the summer. Who is the last person that you took a picture with? Sara. When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam? A couple months or so back when there was an accident. Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? All my friends. When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 2016 visit to the beach. We went to the aquarium there and it absolutely sucked. What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? Just lettuce (but I can also handle cucumbers) and the Olive Garden dressing. If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? Occasionally. Rn I have tattoo ideas written in it. Surprised? How good would you say your memory is? Absolutely horrible, lately worse than ever. I worry about it quite a bit. About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? Once or twice. Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? Not currently on or anything. What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently? Improved on picking up the phone when I don't know the number. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? Well, I've talked about flirting with my friend's bf as a pre-teen, and it wasn't always innocent, if you count that as "sexual." I regret the hell out of it. Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? NO. Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? Yes, Tyler. I wasn't like, terrified, but preeeetty uncomfortable. Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? I can, but I'm not that great, and I absolutely hate it. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yes. Do you like french fries? Hell yeah. Have you ever eaten so much you puked? No. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? People whose opinions I care about. Would you rather go to Greece or France? Probably Greece.

[daily-kit]

The Daily Kit Project, Day 1

Life has taken a massively bad turn for me. If I were the only one affected, I wouldn't really care much. However, I have these three cats, and they deserve a place to live.

What am I talking about? Let me explain...

Through a series of events, most of which have nothing to do with my own choices (though I will admit to my choices being a contributing factor in the eventual outcome), my finances have been hit to the point where even though I’m earning twice the federal minimum wage in the “gross income” column, my actual net income is somewhere below the poverty line. The accounting mechanics of that are not the subject of this post, however, and I won’t bore you with those details.

I had finally managed to secure some extra money (thanks mom!) that wouldn’t be much but would, at the very least, help, as well as gotten the promise of a roommate/possible-future-life-partner for early April, when I got the notice about 10 days before the end of February that I had to pay off an entire $1.7k (Yes, that’s thousand) past due bill to my apartment complex or be out by the end of the month. There was no way I was going to be able to come up with that money, so I’ve spent the last two weeks frantically securing a place to go and a place to put my stuff and a place for my cats.

Yes, I'm homeless. I'm currently "couch surfing," and nearly all my earthly belongings are in a storage unit.

Thanks to “cat shelters” being fundamentally different beasts from “human shelters,” if I take my cats to a facility that would be able to house and shelter them, they’d be sold or put to sleep before I could get a new apartment and retrieve them.

Why “put to sleep”?

Let’s start with the Great Fat Cat Ronnie:

Ronnie is missing an ear and is very overweight. She’s also very sensitive to her specific environment. When I got her from the shelter, they were worried about her eating because she was refusing to eat most of the food they offered and was getting rail thin, and wasn’t especially personable. “Well,” thought I, “This looks like a good cat that needs lovin’!” When Ronnie passed the Munchkin Test (would she tolerate my daughter), I took her home and proceeded to do the Cat Lovin’ thing that Cat Lovers do. My daughter only visits me on the weekends, so what happened really slowly for me was blatantly obvious to her, Ronnie was getting FAT. In other words, her physical health was fine it was her mental health that was causing her weight loss at the shelter. Why?

She was a returned rescue. That’s right, The Great White Pudge had been rescued once, then returned to the shelter she’d been rescued from. That does things to a cat, none of them good.

Between the three cats, she’s reacting the best to the sudden change, but she’s still damn clingy and insists on sitting in my lap whenever possible to reassure herself that I’m not going anywhere.

Then there’s the Street Queen Murphy:

This poor kitty I picked up off the street, literally, back in Nov. 2016. She was so close to death her digestive system was starting to shut down. It took two weeks before she could eat anything without throwing it back up, and a few months before she could reliably use the litter without creating a mess everywhere. She acts tough, but she’s got neuroses and mental issues like crazy (heh). She has problems taking care of herself (she somehow doesn’t know how to sharpen her claws, which at one point led to an infected ingrown claw that I had to break off with a pair of pliers to get out of her pad) and will literally caterwaul if she wakes up and doesn’t see a familiar face. She seems anti-social, because she gets nervous if she’s been held for too long, but she only really turns on the purr if you can get her to sit still in your arms for five minutes while rubbing her belly.

Speaking of, she can’t seem to retract her claws. I used to get my hands scratched to all hell because I didn’t know how to disentangle my hand from her death grip on it because she loved the belly skritches so much she didn’t ever want me to stop.

Then there’s the Liquid Ninja Josie:

Back in early 2016 when I got Ronnie, it was a big deal for my daughter, who’s high-functioning autistic and loves animals.

Naturally, my ex-wife had to get a cat, too. 😒 I have no idea if this was intentionally done by her as a means of “one-upping” me as a parent, but I’ve heard this can happen, even subconsciously. Again, neither here nor there.

Josie was the result of the very expensive adoption process. (Seriously, my entire sunk-cost into getting Ronnie was about $200, and that’s including adoption fees, food, cat furniture, toys, litter, etc.) Josie’s adoption fees alone were more than $200. I’m not saying Josie wasn’t worth the money...OK, getting into weeds that are best left for a later post.

So Josie was adopted into a family that historically was predominantly dog owners.She didn’t appreciate being treated like a dog. The members of the household all wondered why she would scratch and bite. Gee, I wonder.

Anyway, around last Thanksgiving, I found out that they were planning on giving Josie back to the shelter. Having just recently taken in a shelter re-rescue and knowing what that would do to the poor thing, I volunteered to take a third cat.

Around early December, Josie started losing her ability to walk. At first it was just little things like struggling to get up on the shelf I had put her food bowl on, but when I realized she was having health problems was when I found her laying in a puddle of her own urine. The vet wanted to run all sorts of tests, including x-ray and toxicology, but this was around the time my finances were starting to get hammered, so I couldn’t afford it. This was also the seed of my mom’s willingness to help with the money, as she offered to cover some of the costs of the tests, but it would take a few weeks before she could do so.

Before my mom could send the first money, though, Josie’s condition started to improve and she’s now to the point where she can walk around to where she needs to be and use the litter unassisted.

So all three are “issue” cats that are unlikely to be adopted out again, and both Murphy and Josie have health issues that would require lots of TLC and probably appreciable vet bills. They are not good adoption material, and that’s not even considering the fact that all three are “bonded” to my daughter, and she’d be devastated if I had to give them away.

All three of these cats do deserve a loving home, and they’ve finally gotten to the point where they are a loving family of cats. Josie and Ronnie help Murphy stay groomed and Murphy is protective of Josie and will put up with Josie’s kitten-ish behavior.

So yes, in order to keep these three in a good, comfortable, stable home, I need assistance from my fellow cat lovers on the Internet. I’ll be posting an update every day, probably focusing on one of the three cats each day.

I do have a personal Ko-fi account, as well as a Patreon, but those aren’t specific to the cats. If you would like to provide immediate support, you can certainly use one of these:

Patreon

Ko-fi

I am interested in how you would like to support me, though. Let me know in replies and reblogs what service you’d be most comfortable sending money through.

[haru-desune]

Can I ask for more gakuen babysitters? I loved your hayaryuu!!! May I request some adult hayaryuu with the younger siblings being cute and/or annoying

A/N- Ask and you shall receive! How about a 5+1? I’ve always wanted to do one of those! Also found on AO3 and FF.net

Home is Where ever I’m with You

When Ryu started university and Chairman Morinomiya had suggested he go to the one in the city so that he could stay at home, he flat out refused, claiming he didn’t want to be a burden and that she was already doing more than enough by paying for his education. So Hayato had stepped up. After a serious talk with six year old Kotaro, the two moved into a small 2 room apartment together in a different city with mutters of “since we’re going to the same university” and “seriously, it’s cheaper this way”. Kotaro stayed with the Chairman, attending a school close to the academy. Ryu would go home every weekend to visit him and pretend that everything was the same.

Hayato, feeling the added pressure of keeping up his baseball scholarship, found his comfort in quiet nights on the couch that took up most of their tiny hall and B grade horror movies that still managed to make Ryu cover his eyes while they watched, or in the park down the street where they’d go running when staying indoors became too much to bear and where they’d sometimes take their brothers when they came to visit, or when he accompanied Ryu home on the weekends because he may not show it as much, but he loves his family.

Neither Ryu nor Hayato mentioned the mind-numbing relief they felt when they realized that they would have the other by their side for another year.

One year of cohabitation and palpable UST turned best friends into boyfriends. Three years after that they had graduated. Six months later they had settled into new jobs and a new apartment in their old city. In a week, Kotaro moved in. The very next day Taka nearly tore the place down during the first of what would become many visits to the new Kashima-Kamitani residence. It wasn’t much, but it was home.

~~

Some people would be irritated that their boyfriend woke up at 5 AM every day, mused Ryu as he brushed his teeth on a cold Wednesday morning. Then again, most people hadn’t been waking up at 5 almost every day since their final year of middle school. Hayato’s habit of going for an early morning run matched perfectly with the morning schedule Ryu had been following since high-school. Even Kotaro couldn’t shake the habit, and would join Hayato on his run if Ryu couldn’t coax him back to bed before he woke up fully. Today he had succeeded in that endeavour, though he didn’t know how much of it was due to his persuasive skills and how much was due to math test Kotaro had been prepping for well into the night.

Ryu set about making their respective bentos and then making breakfast, which Kotaro had practically swallowed whole before disappearing back into his room with his prep book. By the time Hayato came back, he was on the couch, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. Hayato poured himself a cup and joined him, checking his emails on this phone. He was covered in a sheen of sweat, his wet hair making him look like he’d just stepped out of the shower. Ryu wrinkled his nose. Hayato caught the expression and smirked, and Ryu knew what was coming even before he even moved.

“Hayato, don’t you dare.”

The smirk only grew wider as he leaned sideways. Ryu scooted away until he was pinned to the side of the couch and there was suddenly no escape. He ended up with a lap-full of sweaty boyfriend and groaned.

“Gross!”

Hayato hummed in response, closing his eyes, coffee forgotten. Ryu poked him in the side.

“No sleeping. Only shower.” He said as he continued his attack, relishing in the way Hayato jumped at the sudden contact.

“Alright, alright I’m going!” said Hayato with a laugh. Ryu watched him leave with a fond smile, before returning to his paper. Hayato returned soon, smelling of mint and dressed for work. He reclaimed his position on the couch, though unfortunately not on Ryu’s lap. He draped an arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders, pulling him closer.

“Better?” he asked, when Ryu looked up at him.

“Much.” He replied with a grin, running his fingers through the soft hair that curled at the nape of Hayato’s neck.

Hayato cupped his face, running a thumb over his cheekbone, and leaned in. Ryu had just let his eyes close as their noses brushed when the front door slammed open.

“KOTARO HELP ME I’M GOING TO FAIL!”

At eleven years old Taka’s voice had only gotten louder, and Ryu just knew they were going to get complaints from the neighbours. Again.

“Dammit Taka,” Hayato grumbled, turning to glare at his brother “Keep your voice down!”

Taka turned to his brother with a panicked expression.

“Aniki, I’m going to fail.”

“Then you should have studied last night!”

“I did study last night!”

“Really? Because your Instagram story has just been screenshots from that anime you started watching.”

Taka turned red and opened his mouth to respond and Ryu sighed and settled down to referee another Kamitani brother brawl. He was saved by the sudden appearance of Kotaro, who placed a hand on Taka’s shoulder. The boy seemed to deflate at the touch and he turned to Kotaro with pleading eyes.

“Come on. I’ll teach you on the way to school.”

He grabbed his school bag and left the apartment with a near hysterical Taka on his heels.

Hayato sighed and shook his head.

“Is it a Kashima policy to solve every problem with a hug?” he asked, only half sarcastic.

“Only when the problem is a Kamitani.” said Ryu with a grin, thoroughly enjoying Hayato’s answering blush.

I Can’t Imagine Ever Loving You Less

“I’m home!” Hayato yelled, closing the door behind him. He took a deep breath as he removed his shoes and loosened his necktie. Ryu was making curry today, it seemed. His boyfriend poked his head out of the kitchenette and grinned at him. He returned the expression with a fond smile of his own.

“That smells delicious.” He said, following Ryu back into the kitchen area.

“Well it’s nearly done.” Ryu responded, lowering the flame on the stove.

“How was work?”

“Pretty good, though I have to admit, it’s always pleasantly surprising to actually have more than two co-workers at a day care centre. I still can’t believe I can come home before sunset!” He let out a small laugh. “How about you, Mr. Hotshot researcher?”

“It’s taken a while, but I think the team has almost reached a break through on that new painkiller.” said Hayato, leaning against the counter.

“That’s excellent news!”

A warmth spread through Hayato’s chest the way it always did when Ryu praised him, and he glanced away, suddenly shy. His eyes landed on the fridge, which held a mishmash of artwork, from Kotaro and the Morinomiya kids and more recently his day care children, and spotted a new addition to the collection.

“Who drew that?” he said, gesturing towards the masterpiece in question.

“Another one from Hana-chan. Apparently it’s me. As a dragon-knight.”

“Watch out Ryu, I think someone has a little crush.”

Something about his tone must have caught his boyfriend’s attention, because he glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.

“Hayato,” he said, voice teasing “don’t tell me you’re jealous of a four year old.”

“… No.”

Ryuuichi burst out laughing, moving to stand before him. He did his level best to look anywhere but at the man in front of him as Ryu looped his arms around his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss, before breaking away and resting his forehead against Hayato’s, preventing him from looking anywhere but into his eyes.

“Don’t worry,” Ryu said, managing to sound both patronizing and breathless at the same time “I only have eyes for you.”

There was no other response to that except to growl and pull him closer, lips hovering inches away, all that was needed was to move their heads closer and-

“Ni-chan, is dinner ready? I’m hungry.” Kotaro’s quiet voice sliced through the atmosphere like a katana. Hayato could feel his face turn brigh­t red as Ryu jumped backwards, flustered.

“Kotaro! How long have you been standing there!?” He asked, clearing his throat.

“For a while.” He said with a shrug, before his eyes gained a mischievous twinkle “I guess you didn’t notice since you only have eyes for Haya-ni.”

Hayato, who had just managed to tame his blush, was now back at square one. He groaned.

“You were such a good kid, Kota. I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone with my brother for so long!” he said. Kamatsuki-sensei would be proud of his dramatics, really.

Ryu snorted from where he was serving the food. He seemed to gotten himself under control. “Please, this isn’t Taka, this is one hundred percent Kirin.” He handed a bowlful of curry to his brother.

“Yeah,” said Kotaro, accepting the bowl with a smile “that’s fair.”

You Make My Heart Beat Faster

Ryu had soap suds up to his elbows when he felt a weight against his back and strong arms around his waist. He chuckled softly as Hayato rested his chin atop his head.

“Long day?”

Hayato hummed in response, a low rumble in his throat, placing a soft kiss on the top of his head.

“Ah, I thought you had a game with the neighbourhood association.”

“It rained this afternoon, so it got cancelled.”

Hayato’s breath was warm as it ghosted across his ear, his voice so low that Ryu could feel the vibrations of his chest against his back. He couldn’t quite hold back a shiver, and there was an answering nibble on his earlobe.

“That’s- ah- that’s a shame.”

He could feel a smile in the kiss was pressed to his cheek.

“It’s not so bad from where I’m standing.”

Ryu would have laughed if his knees hadn’t suddenly turned to jelly at the sensation of lips against the sensitive stretch of skin just behind his ear. He felt Hayato’s nose lightly brush his skin as he moved lower to kiss his jaw. He focused on finishing up the plate in his hand- thankfully the last of that evening’s dishes- hoping that it would help keep all embarrassing noises internal. It wasn’t working, evidenced by the strangled groan that escaped his throat as Hayato dragged his lips against his neck.

Somehow, he managed to dry that last plate without dropping it just as Hayato nibbled and sucked his way to his collar-bone. He could feel teeth and tongue and he let out a low, needy moan. The arms around his waist tightened and Ryu melted into the embrace, leaning against Hayato’s chest and tilting his head to face him, and was met with a gentle smile.

“Hello.”

“Hello.” Ryu said softly. “There’s still soap on my hands.”

“Who cares?”

“Good point.”

Ryu could hear his own thundering heartbeat as Hayato leaned closer, and he craned his neck upwards to take advantage of the position- only to nearly scream when the clatter of metal on wood filled the room. Both men whipped around to face an extremely sheepish Kotaro kneeling on the counter, a pile of freshly washed pots and pans scattered on the floor.

“Oops.”

Ryu sank to the floor clutching his chest, heart hammering for a completely different reason.

“Are you alright!?”

“Yeah. I just wanted a snack. Haya-ni hides the yummy chocolate cookies on the top shelf.”

“What.”

A quick glance at Hayato’s averted gaze confirmed the story.

“Hayato…”

“How did you even know I keep them there?”

Kotaro looked at him blankly. Hayato sighed and got the cookies down for the boy, who beamed as he grabbed a couple from the box.

“Thanks! Um… sorry for interrupting your… whatever!” He dashed out of the room before either of them could process the statement.

Ryu groaned and leaned his forehead against his knees.

“Top shelf? Really?” he said to Hayato without even lifting his head.

“You didn’t find them, did you?”

I See My Future in Your Eyes

The park was probably Hayato’s favourite place in the town. It wasn’t as popular as the one in the centre of the city, which suited him just fine. When their siblings were younger, He and Ryu used to take them here and let them run wild. Well, Taka used to run wild dragging Kotaro behind him, not that the other seemed to mind much. Ryu and Hayato used to watch them while swinging idly on the swing set. Back then, he didn’t understand why the sight of Ryu sitting with his head tilted back and smiling softly, painted in the rose-gold rays of the setting sun was enough to make his breath catch and his stomach to summersaults. He knew better now.

“What are you smiling about?” Ryu asked elbowing him lightly and bringing him out of his reverie. Kotaro and Taka had wanted to play soccer, and they had tagged along at Taka’s insistence.

“Just thinking,” He replied, scooting closer to Ryu and draping his arm across the back of the bench they were sitting on “this place hasn’t changed much.”

Ryu laughed in agreement, and Hayato found himself enchanted all over again.

“There’s the spot where the boys found ‘buried treasure’” said Ryu, still giggling as he pointed out the sandbox where Taka and Kotaro had stumbled upon 100 yen while they were playing. Hayato grinned.

“Don’t forget the ‘super-secret Ranger base’” he added, gesturing at the jungle gym, getting an appreciative chuckle.

“Isn’t that the slide Kotaro and I got stuck on when he refused to go down without me?”

“That’s where I fell in love with you for the first time.”

Ryu made a choked sound, colouring in surprise. Hayato wasn’t in a much better condition, but now that he’d started, he had to keep going.

“We were sitting on the swings and watching the kids play, and I turned to tell you something, but when I looked at you, I couldn’t remember what I was going to say. It’s not like you were doing anything special, just watching them play, but you looked so… peaceful I guess. I didn’t realize it back then, but that’s the moment I fell.”

Ryu was staring at him, lips slightly parted and tears in his eyes.

“Hayato, I-”

He seemed at a loss for words for a moment, before making a frustrated noise and grabbing Hayato by the collar and pulling him into a kiss. They broke apart and Hayato couldn’t help himself. It had been almost four years, after all.

“Marry me.”

“Okay.”

Hayato grinned, his heart soaring. He cradled the back of Ryu’s head, ready to claim his lips once more, when the world went black and for a moment he saw stars.

“Oh crap!”

That was Taka’s voice. Were eleven year olds allowed to say crap? Did he say crap at eleven?

“Language.” He managed to slur out. Why was he slurring? He blinked a bit to try and bring the world back into focus. Taka was blubbering something in front of him, and Ryu was flitting around in a panic. Kotaro was holding a soccer ball and looking worried. Oh right. His idiot brother had just hit him in the head with a soccer ball.

Later in the hospital waiting room, Hayato wondered aloud whether this was revenge for hitting Taka on the head so often. Taka took the idea with gusto, and wouldn’t shut up about it until Kotaro dragged him away to get something from the vending machine.

“Always the peacemaker that one.” said Hayato fondly. He claimed he’d already felt better as soon as he entered the hospital waiting room, but Ryu refused to let him leave without getting checked for a concussion.

“On the bright side,” said Ryu, finally allowing himself a grin “this is going to make for a fantastic engagement story.”

I Just Wanna be Deep in Your Love

Ryu stumbled into his home in a state of deep exhaustion. Nakamura, who usually handed the kids after 4 o’clock, had come down with the flu, which resulted in a week’s worth of double shifts for Ryu. That wasn’t so bad by itself, but it meant he reached home after Hayato and Kotaro, and was often too tired to do anything more than greet them, eat dinner, and collapse into bed. Thankfully, Nakamura would be back tomorrow.

“I’m home!” called Ryu tiredly, removing his shoes at the entry and shuffling into the hall, where Hayato was watching an old American movie on TV. Ryu sank down next to him on the couch.

“Hungry?” Hayato asked, giving him a concerned look.

“Not really, I had some ramen with Takara and Suzuki. As a celebration of my last day on evening shift.” Ryu responded, leaning into his fiancé with a sigh, feeling the tension leave his body as he become more and more comfortable. His eyes fluttered closed as Hayato ran his fingers through his hair, and he let out a stuttered groan as he felt the light scrape of nails against his scalp.

There was a kiss at his temple, and Ryu suddenly realized the TV had been turned off. He turned to face Hayato and press a kiss against jaw, before moving to the vast expanse of neck, encouraged by the answering gasp. Soon he was straddling Hayato on the couch, without any real idea of how he got there, drunk on the sensation of lips on lips and the sound of soft gasps that filled the air. Ryu broke away from Hayato when a sudden thought struck him.

“Kotaro?”

“Mom’s place. Sleepover.”

Ryu groaned as Hayato resumed his attack on his neck, shivering as he felt fingers slipping under his shirt and over the muscles of his back.

“Here? Really?” he gasped, tugging lightly at Hayato’s hair, trying to bring him back to reality.

“Bedroom?”

“Yes please.”

They moved towards the bedroom, Hayato stopping at the door to press Ryu’s back against it and kiss him soundly. Ryu felt behind him until he could feel the handle of the door. He turned it and they both fell into the room, tripping their way towards the bed. As they collapsed onto the soft cotton sheets, two ringtones clashed horribly as their phones rang in tandem. Ryu let out a frustrated groan and Hayato swore.

“Let it ring.”

“It’s Kota.”

Hayato sighed and moved aside, grabbing his mobile as Ryu reached for his own.

“What?” Growled Hayato just as Ryu answered his.

“Kota what’s wrong?”

“What do you mean you got in a fight with Kotaro?”

“You and Taka never fight, what happened?”

Their words crossed into each other in a confusing jumble, and the two men exchanged an exasperated and mildly worried look as they listened patiently to their brothers.

“Kotaro take the phone into Taka’s room and put it on speaker please.”

“Taka I’m hanging up for a second, just wait.”

Ryu shook his head. He could still hear Taka shouting in the split second it took Hayato to hang up. He put his own mobile on speaker.

“Kota, Taka this is Ryu. Hayato is with me.” He elbowed his fiancé in the side.

“Yo.”

Ryu sighed and tucked himself into Hayato’s side and leaned his head onto his shoulder. It was going to be a long night.

“So, one at a time, tell us what happened.”

Forever Can Never Be Long Enough for Me

Hayato and Ryuuichi, clad in charcoal and off-white respectively, stood under the branches of a maple tree in that same park where they’d first fallen in love, the same park in which Hayato had proposed, hands clasped and seconds away from officially hyphenating their names. Hayato’s mother was sitting in the front row, wiping her eyes on a lace trimmed handkerchief. She had been thrilled when she’d first heard about the relationship, let alone the engagement. Apparently Ryu was the future son-in-law of every mother’s dreams. The other senseis (and Usaida) had found out pretty soon after because she just couldn’t keep the news to himself. He smiled as he remembered Ryu’s increasingly red face at the series of calls they had gotten to congratulate them for “finally getting your act together” as Usaida had put it. The man was seated with Sawatari and the other senseis, looking vaguely put out by the seating arrangements, but smiling brightly whenever he happened to glance at the altar. Hebihara had deigned to make come as well, managing to look awkward, emotional, and a little proud all at the same time, sitting in the row directly behind Shizuka.

Ryu’s Obasan sat next to Shizuka, pretending that she wasn’t tearing at the sight in front of her. She’d taken to inviting Hayato around for dinner even before they’d started dating, and by the time they’d graduated from college, he was present at the table at least once every other weekend. Ryu would claim there was nothing funnier than watching the two converse, as neither of them were big fans of mincing words. Saikawa was next to her, manfully crying into his ever present hanky. The red bean rice he’d prepared the weekend Ryu had announced he was finally dating was nothing compared to the feast he made when the man had announced his engagement.

Throwing tradition to the winds, the grooms had chosen a wedding party of men and women of all ages, old friends from high school who stayed close years after graduation and the young friends who still looked up to their Onii-chans after all these years. Behind Hayato stood Taka, Kirin, Kazuma, Nezu, and Inomata, all dressed in navy blue and silver. Behind Ryu, dressed in pale yellow and deep purple, stood Kotaro, Midori, Takuma, Yagi, and Ushimaru.

“They look like daybreak and midnight.” Sawtari had whispered to Usaida when the wedding party had walked down the aisle.

The officiator cleared his throat.

“Do you, Kamitani Hayato take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.”

“Do you, Kashima Ryuuichi take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.”

“You may now kiss.”

The two men leaned in, before pausing to shoot a suspicious look at their brothers, much to the bewilderment of the guests. Both of the younger boys grinned and mimed zipping their lips, Taka giving them a thumbs up. Looking far more reassured, Ryu closed his eyes, allowing Hayato to dip him backwards, and as their lips met a cheer went up through the audience, but for once they weren’t fazed in the slightest. After all, this kiss was only the first that would mark the rest of their lives together.

A/N- Ahhhh cheesey ending alert! By the way, this is the closest I’ll get to writing smut. I’d like to mention that this story would have gone up way earlier but college is a thing. Plus mom is in town and she doesn’t approve of my sleeping habits. Anyway points to anyone who can guess the songs each section title was taken from. If anyone wants to speculate about their university days, hmu.As always, I’m taking prompts. I won’t write anything that’s ships an adult with a minor (I don’t care what the age of consent is in Japan) or a similar age gap (i.e. teen with child), and I’m very uncomfortable writing smut, but anything else is good to go. Please be patient with me, I should be back on track by next week!

[kristsune]

All 99 asks for NJ + does he get a happy ending to his story?

1. What do they smell like? He smells a bit like grease and that slight hot electric smell when dealing with a lot of electronics. There is also always an underlying scent of vanilla.

2. What is their voice like? He’s rather soft spoken and gentle, but there is a confidence there and steel behind his words when he needs there to be.

3. What is their biggest motivator? To protect his brothers, and end the war as soon as possible.

4. What is their most embarrassing memory? There was one time when Rex caught him in the middle of a dare from Hardcase.

5. How do they deal with/react to pain? He takes it and deals with it. His dizzy spells can turn into headaches and even migraines, but he refuses to tell the medics about them so he deals with them as best he can. But it means he has a pretty high tolerance.

6. What do they like to wear? He loves his flight suit, it’s comfy and it feels right. (in many modern aus he is an unintentional hipster.)

7. Which of their relationships have impacted them most positively? Caliber is his best friend, she supports him so much. Kix and Jesse are practically dads to him, and protect him the best they can. Anomaly is extremely special to him, lifts him up like no other.

8. What’s the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten? NJ loves to try unusual foods when he can when planetside. And where he definitely respects other people’s cultures he is definitely not eating a Yalvik queen stinger again, no matter how much they are considered a delicacy.

9. Describe the way that they sleep. He tends to sleep curled up on his side, not taking up a lot of space. He sleeps in his cockpit as often as not, so scrunched up is normal.

10. What is their favorite food/kind of food? He loves anything with flavor. Honestly just about anything is better than the flavorless, badly textured osik they had on Kamino.

11. What do they feel most insecure about? They aren’t terribly insecure about a lot, but they are shy, and many would take that as being insecure. That being said, he doesn’t love showing off his body in a public situation, being smaller and having unusual mutations for a clone, he tends to not want to make a show of himself.

12. How do they like to dress? Isn’t this super similar to 6? But he loves to wear soft comfortable clothes when he can.

13. How do they react to feelings of guilt? He carries it like a weight on his shoulders.

14. How do they react to/deal with betrayal? Someone close to him betraying him would cut him to the bone. When he trusts, its with his entire being. It would gut him to be betrayed)

15. What is their greatest achievement? One of the bigger ones was managing to tune his fighter enough to get it going faster than Anakin’s.

16. What are they like when they’ve gotten too little sleep? It happens more often than not. He tends to just get more quiet and isolated, but when talking to him, you really wouldn’t be able to tell.

17. What are they like when they’re drunk? He doesn’t get much more than a pleasant buzz when he drinks, but when he gets there, it tends to be very giggly and happy.

18. What kind of music do they enjoy? He loves a variety of music, but anything uplifting with a happy edge, basically great flying music, is what he goes for.

19. Are they right or left handed? Ambidextrous.

20. Fears? Not being able to fly, losing those closest to him. The war never coming to an end.

21. Favorite kind of weather? Clear bright skies, perfect for flying

22. Favorite color? Blue, it waffles between 501st, sky blue, and the blue grey of Anomaly’s  eye.

23. Do they collect anything? Nothing in particular, but he does love picking up a stray feather here or there.

24. Do they prefer either hot or cold weather more? Cold is always better for flying, though cool is better than straight up cold.

25. What is their eye color? Light golden amber

26. What is their race/ethnicity? Maori

27. Hair color? Dirty blonde

28. Are they happy where they are currently? They are able to fly, and protect his brothers and the people of the Republic. Would he prefer there to not be a war? Yes, but is this is as good as it gets)

29. Are they a morning person? Yes. He can sleep in if needed, but he can be up early too.

30. Sunrise or sunset? Answered here 

31. Are they more messy or more organized? He’s mostly organized, sometimes things will pile up and he has to take time to clean up, but it never really gets out of control

32. Pet peeves? Loud chewing, putting down others for no reason other than being mean

33. Do they own any objects of significant personal importance? Technically he doesn’t own it, but his fighter. He has modified it enough, he considers it his own.

34. Least favorite food? The flavorless protein meals on Kamino

35. Least favorite color? He loves all colors, but if he had to choose, it would probably be blood red, he’s just seen too much of it for his own liking.

36. Least favorite smell? Electrical fire

37. When was the last time they cried? Also found here

38. Were they with anybody the last time they cried? Very likely with either Caliber or Jesse, they both are very good at comforting him when he is upset (the best hugs)

39. Tell us about one of the times they got injured? Being a pilot, he actually hasn’t received too many injuries. Being shot down generally ended in explosions or being sucked into the vacuum of space, so minor injuries weren’t as common, though he has had his share of minor injuries as a cadet.

40. Do they have any scars? Nothing major to speak of.

41. Do they struggle with any mental health issues? Many of the same that anyone who has been through a traumatic war has to deal with

42. Do they have any bad habits? He likes to forget to eat or drink enough, especially when in the hangarbay working on his fighter.

43. Why might someone dislike them? Because he’s a mutie, there are definitely clones that are biased against them, also because he is a pilot, and there are those that don’t think the pilots are real soldiers.

44. Why might someone love them? Because they are sweet and caring and wonderful. They are loyal and fierce and will fight for those he cares about.

45. Do they believe in ghosts? Yes, they are absolutely sensitive to all of that.

46. Is there anyone they would trust with their lives? Anomaly, Caliber, Kix, Jesse, much of the 501st tbh, at the very least all of Torrent.

47. Are they romantically interested in anyone? Anomaly, and later Killer.

48. Are they dating/married to anyone? Anomaly, and later Killer

49. Do they like surprises? Happy surprises? Sure. Not happy surprises. No. not so much.

50. When is their birthday? N/A

51. How do they usually celebrate their birthday? N/A

52. Do they have any family? He considers his closes vode his family

53. Are they close to their family? Extremely

54. What is their MBTI type? I am shit at this and i have no idea tbqh lol

55. What is their zodiac sign? N/A

56. What Hogwarts House would they be in? Hufflepuff most likely, maybe Ravenclaw.

57. What D&D alignment are they? Neutral good

58. Do they ever have nightmares? If so, what about? Crashing his fighter, losing his brothers/those closest to him. His brothers turning on all they believed in and killing those they loved best.

59. What are their views on death? It is just the next stage in whatever world they are in. though he would still like to stay alive as long as he can, to be with those he loves

60. What is something that they’re sure to laugh at? Caliber’s jokes, and Anomaly’s cheesy pickup lines he likes to tease him with.

61. When bored, how do they pass time? He loves working on anything mechanical. Tinkering is his favorite thing to do. Lacking that, he does love to read.

62. Do they enjoy being outside? Absolutely.

63. Do they have an accent? The same as most clones, New Zealand

64. Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, what is their first reaction? If he knows its for him, he will absolutely fall into that, if there is someone with him he would offer to share

65. If they knew they were going to die, what would they do/say? He would wish he could say goodbye to those he loves, and make sure his last act is saving as many brothers as he can

66. How do they feel about sex? He likes it, he likes to have fun with it, but really only has sex with those he has at least some sort of relationship/acquaintance with. He doesn’t really do casual sex.

67. What is their sexuality? Bi/Pan but heavily leaning towards masculine presenting

68. Do they become squeamish at the sight of blood? No. He’s seen too much by this point

69. Is there anything that they find really gross? He hates wet hair in a clogged drain. Makes him gag. (honestly the biggest downside to his long hair)

70. Which TV Trope(s) best describes them? I am… honestly not sure how to answer this

71. Do they enjoy helping people? Absolutely, core to his being.

72. Are they allergic to anything? I have a feeling the Kaminoans probably tried to modify the clones to try and make sure that happens, but who knows. He hasn’t run into any problems so far

73. Do they have a pet? No. He wouldn’t feel good about keeping something he can’t be there for all the time.

74. Are they quick to anger? What are they like when they loose their temper? No. It takes quite a bit to get him there. But when he does? He is ruthless to make sure you know what you did and pay for it. (aka the fic i wrote Force of Gold)

75. How patient are they? Most of the time, he is pretty patient, but if something is giving him anxiety it shortens quickly

76. Are they good at cooking? He’s not bad, but he’s also not great. He can do super basics, like boil a pot of pasta (makes either way too much or not nearly enough) He can (mostly) not burn things.

77. Favorite insult? Do they insult people often? He isn’t big on insults. They absolutely have a place in his vocabulary, but you have to earn them from him, usually by being a dick.

78. How do they act when they’re particularly happy? He smiles and laughs often. It’s absolutely infectious, and he just lights up from within

79. What do they do when they learn about other people’s fears? If they were told to him in confidence, he would keep that secret to the grave.

80. Are they trustworthy? Very.

81. Do they try to hide their emotions? Are they good at it? Yes and Mostly. Those that know him well can read him pretty well.

82. Do they exercise regularly? Yes, but nothing super intense.

83. Are they comfortable with the way they look? He can be self conscious about it, but he does love his mutations and the way he looks. He started to grow out his hair very early on because he loved it so much and it felt right.

84. What are some physical features that they find attractive on people? Long hair, lean muscle, beautiful eyes (especially mismatched ones)

85. What kind of personalities do they find attractive? (Kind and caring, even if its hidden underneath.)

86. Do they like sweet foods? Yes, Not overly sweet, but he definitely likes them

87. What is their age? Excellent question that I do not have the answer for, he’s definitely a younger clone, deployed later in the war

88. Are they tall or short or somewhere in between? He’s a bit shorter and leaner like most pilots

89. Do they wear glasses or contacts? No

90. Do they consider themselves attractive? Yes, maybe not as much as others see him, but he can definitely see it.

91. What is their sense of humor like? All over the place, depending on his mood, but he loves jokes and silliness between friends.

92. What mood are they most often in? Focused, on his work or flying.

93. What kinds of things anger them? Bullies, people being nasty for no reason

94. Outlook on life? Generally pretty positive, though he does have his low moments.

95. What kind of things make them sad/depressed? Losing brothers, the ongoing war

96. What is their greatest weakness? He trusts pretty easily, and can be led to believe things that he probably shouldn’t

97. What is the greatest strength? His abilities with mechanics and his fighter, an excellent pilot

98. Something that they regret? Not being able to save more of his brothers

99. Biggest accomplishment? Isn’t this basically 15?

100. Create your own! Nonnie asked: does he get a happy ending to his story: I mean? Yes? In the cyuane verse him and Anomaly get away and eventually join the rebellion, but they are alone. Sooo it or miss? He’s alive, and not completely alone, and they eventually find some level of happiness, but is it happy specifically not entirely.

[starsinursa]

"...I should never have asked you to do this."

“Here’s her food,” Cassays, hefting a bag onto Dean’s counter. “She gets ¼ cup in themornings and ¼ cup at night. Don’t let her nag you into giving her more, butshe can have some of her cat treats if she’s being persistent.”

“Got it,” Dean says, feeling confident. Catfood, cat treats. Not too hard.

Cas places a tube on thecounter next to the cat food. “She gets furball medicine twice per day. Youcan give it to her at the same times as her food. She won’t take it willingly, so you’ll haveto put it on her paw so she’ll lick it off. You should try to do it while she’s eating and distracted, otherwise she’ll seeyou coming. Just make sure you get it on her paw well enough so she can’t shake it off.”

“…okay,” Dean agrees, picking up the tube to peer at the label. Chicken-flavored furballpaste. Gross. But still not that hard.

“Here are some of hertoys,” Cas adds, hefting a plastic bag onto the counter. It jingles and rattles as he setsit down. “She likes the feathered toys, but she tears apart the feathers. She’llonly chase the laser light for a little, that’s not her favorite, but sheloves the balls with the bells inside and the catnip mice. Be cautious with the catnip though, or she’ll be running through the apartment at 3 a.m.”

Dean nods distractedly,mentally making a list of this shit to keep everything straight. Casdoesn’t even notice, still talking.

“Oh, and don’t touch her rumpright in front of her tail, she’s sensitive about that area. You can stroke down her back, but stop right before her tail. And don’t try to pether by reaching your hand over her head, I think it scares her, but she likes her cheeks rubbed and her chin scratched.” Finally, finally, Cas pauses. “I think that’s everything…I hope I’m not forgettingsomething…oh! Shelikes to have her litter box somewhere dark, like a closet, or under a towel.She won’t use it if it’s out in the open, and then she’ll find her own darkcorner without the litter box, and you really don’t want that.”

Dean’s gonna take Cas’ word on that and hopefully he’ll never have to experience it first-hand. “If I don’t want cat piss in the corner, put the litter box somewheredark,” Dean says weakly. “Got it.”

What the fuck has heagreed to?

“Oh! Your Benadryl!” Cassays suddenly, reaching down for another bag. It’s bulging with boxed packagesof Benadryl, the sharp corners pressing against the plastic.

“Christ, Cas, you’re only gone for a couple of days, how much Benadryl do you thinkI’ll need?” He hesitates. “You…you’re only gone for the weekend, right?”

“You’re right, it’s all toomuch,” Cas sighs, looking miserable. “Ishould never have asked you to do this.”

Somehow, that gives Deanresolve. Fuck his own worries and misgivings, Cas is depending on him, and Dean can’t let his best friend down.

“Hey. It’ll be fine, all right? I’ve got this.” He puts a hand on Cas’shoulder and squeezes firmly, more confidently than he feels. “I practically raised Sammy, how hard can cat-sittingbe?”

“Are you sure, Dean?” Cas meets his eyes, searching, and Dean keeps his face carefully calm. “I don’t want to put you in a position where you feel uncomfortable. I can still ask Gabriel to watch her, it’s not too late -”

Dean snorts. “Dude, no, you can’t let Gabe watch your cat, you’d come back and she’d be…dyed pink, or something.” He brings out his brightest, most self-assured smile. “I promise you, Cas, we’ll be fine. I’ll take good care of her.”

“…I know you will, Dean. I trust you,” Cas says earnestly, beaming at him, and fuck if that doesn’tgive Dean a pathetic rush of warm pride and make his heart feel two sizes toobig for his ribcage. The smile slips from Cas’ face. “It’s just… I’ve never been away from her since Iadopted her. We’ve made so much progress, but she’s still so skittish. I just don’t want this to set us back.”

“I get it, Cas.” And honestly, Dean does. Well,maybe not the cat thing per-se, but the importance of building trust and fighting hard for every inch of progress? Yeah, he gets those parts. “But you’ve done a greatjob with her and she’s not going to forget that. She’ll be waiting for you whenyou come back.”

And so will I, Dean thinks before he can crush the thought, because now is definitely not the time to get caught up in all of his unspoken feelings for his best friend. However, it does make for a ridiculous, if somewhat depressing, mental image: him and the cat, both standing with their noses pressed to the window, waiting for Cas to return. At least the cat gets to go home with Cas in the end, lucky furball.

The warm smile Cas giveshim makes everything worth it. “Thank you, Dean. For everything. You’re thebest friend I could ever have.”

“Damn right I am,” Deanjokes. “Now get out of here and knock ‘em dead at your work thing, and don’t forget to get me one of those little souvenir keychains.”

Ten minutes and aridiculously drawn-out goodbye (to the cat) later, Cas gives him a parting wave as he pulls his car away from the curb. Dean returns it with only a hint oftrepidation, shuts the door, and takes a deep breath.

Back in the kitchen, he crouches down to peer inside the pet carrier.

“Well, Meg, looks likeit’s just you and me for a couple of days.”

Meg hisses.

__

The next two days are an ordeal that Dean will eventually start referring to as his “stint in Hell”.

Okay, so the first three hours aren’t so bad. As soon as he opens the carrier, Meg shoots off under his bed andrefuses to come out. 

He tries to coax her out, kneeling beside thebed and peering underneath, wiggling his fingers and making all kinds of stupid noises, but she hisses and scoots away with her black fur all puffed up, sohe gives up after a while and decides to let her get adjusted at her own pace. He unpacks her toys, lugs thelitterbox into a corner of his bedroom where it’s overshadowed by his dresser, sets down a small bowl of water, and lets her be. He chases down his first dose of Benadryl with a swig from a beer and settles in on the couchto watch Dr. Sexy reruns.

After three hours, theyowling starts. And doesn’t stop.

He tries coaxing her outfrom under the bed again. He talks to her. He pushes cat treats under the bed.He meows back at her (the neighbors in the next apartment must think he’sbatshit crazy). He gives up on Cas’ set feeding schedule and tries to give hera bowl of cat food. He pushes her jingly balls and catnip mice towards her. Nothing works. Meg only stops yowling long enough to hiss at him, but there’s no way he’s calling Cas when he promised everything would be fine, so he plops down on the bedroom floor with his laptop, tries Googling some shit about cats, and sings quietly under his breath (he’s not sure if he’s trying to soothe her or drown her out, but it seems to help regardless). 

The yowling finally tapers off, and he’s not thinking about her for a few moments when he starts getting ready for bed… until she shoots out from underthe bed and attacks his feet as he’s toeing off his socks. His resulting high-pitched shriek startles themboth, and she scampers back under the bed like a bat - or a cat - out of Hell.

It happens again in themorning. Dean actually loses custody of a sock this time.

She comes out to eat somecat food, which Dean counts as a victory until he creeps close and tries to put furball medicineon her paw, and then it’s war. Meg retreats back under the bed and Deanretreats to the living room, sporting some impressive scratches.

An hour later, theyowling starts again.

Later, he’spleased to see that she’s found and used the litter box. He’s not so pleased tosee that there’s litter kicked everywhere around the box. He grabs thevacuum without really thinking about it, and the moment he turns it on, Meg shoots out from under the bed, claws her way up his windowcurtains in a panic, and promptly drags them all down on top of her.

He’s barely donere-hanging the curtains when he catches her sharpening her claws on the back ofhis leather sofa.

When he tries to administer her furball medicine that evening, she sees him coming, and leads him on a thirty-minute chase around his apartment.

That night, he takes arunning start and practically leaps into his bed from the doorway so she won’thave the chance to attack his feet.

She finds the jinglyballs around 1 a.m. Fuck his life.

The next morning, he takes a five-minute walk to check the mailbox for his apartment and comes back to a puddle of cat piss in his bed. 

It’s the finalcountdown, and Dean is napping on the couch before Cas gets back. God knows hedidn’t get a wink of sleep last night, because every time he’d start to doze off, thetell-tale jingle and skitter of a cat ball would jerk himawake.

Never again, he swears.Not even if Cas looks at him with those beseeching baby blues, not even if Casdrops the ‘best friend’ card again. Meg is a demon, and it’s very obvious that herand Dean should stay far, far away from each other.

That’s his line ofthinking as he dozes on the couch, straddling the muzzy line between sleep andwakefulness, forearm thrown over his eyes. He’s leaning towards the sleep side when anadded weight shifts one of the couch cushions, so he doesn’t notice. 

He does notice when tentative paws creep onto his stomach and press into his bladder.

He’s suddenly wide awake, not daringto move. Hell, he’s barely daring to breathe. One wrong move and she’s going toshred him, he’s sure of it. She’s crouching right next to his junk, and oh, god, he’s going to be de-manned by very sharp set of claws, she’s caught him in a moment of weakness and now he’sgoing to pay for it, he should have known better –

He waits, frozen, as Meg turns in a slow circle and settles on his stomach. Then very, very softly, a low purr starts. And it doesn’t stop. There’s no hissing, no sharp rending of razor-sharp claws. Little by little, Dean relaxes, onemuscle at a time, until the purring has evened out into asteady rhythm, and it’s actually kind of soothing. 

If this is what cats can be like, maybe they aren’t always so bad…

___

Castiel is not worried. He’s not.

Except he actually is.

Although he wouldn’t be worried if Dean would actually answer his damn phone, but Castiel has called three times now and only gotten his voicemail, so it actually makes sense to be worried. Anything could have happened. Maybe Meg got out and ran away. Maybe Dean’s allergies became so severe that he had to go to the hospital. Maybe there was a gas leak. Maybe -

That’s why Castiel feels totally justified using his spare key to Dean’s apartment and letting himself in, even though he’s never actually used it before now.

As soon as he sees them on the couch, he lets out a sigh of relief. They’re fine. They’re sleeping. It’s…adorable, actually. Dean is sprawled on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face peaceful and relaxed, and Meg is curled up in a pleasantly purring ball on his stomach, tail tucked around her body. Just looking at them makes his heart swell with affection - and more, there’s so much more, sometimes when Dean smiles or laughs or even just looks at him, he feels like he could burst with it.

Castiel creeps closer and stealthily takes a picture with his cell-phone. The click of the shutter effect makes Meg stir, ears perking up and head lifting sleepily, and he tucks his phone back in his pocket so he can reach down and scratch gently under her chin to soothe her. The purring magnifies, and apparently it doesn’t go unnoticed because Dean is stirring now too, green eyes blinking blearily in confusion. Before Castiel can actually think about what he’s doing, he reaches out and runs his other hand through Dean’s hair, sliding the strands between his fingers.

“Dude,” Dean mutters thickly, voice hoarse with sleep, “you pettin’ me?”

Castiel keeps his voice carefully calm, but doesn’t stop. “Is that okay?”

Head dropping back to the couch, Dean closes his eyes again. “Yup. Don’t ever stop.”

Castiel patiently cards his fingers through Dean’s hair, and after a few minutes, Dean sighs with sleepy contentment.

“’m glad you’re home, Cas.”

He smiles. “Me too.”

[6ad6ro]

an explanation post and small update about that thing that recently happened with that one ex friend. just fyi, this is very long:

first, some backstory. i have an issue where i often end up staying in abusive relationships (friends/family/dating) for way too long for various reasons. that said, this friend. they were always problematic. they would continue aggressively making passes at me even tho i rejected them constantly. like really gross passes that reminded me of why i “hate (stereotypical) men”. bc it was real bro-style creeping. hitting on me incessantly. always hanging all over me and making any excuse to have physical contact. making gross innuendo “jokes” that went too far just… always. at one point they licked my ear when we were taking a photo together. etc.

now i confronted them on this many times. asked them to tone it down. explained how uncomfortable and stressed they made me. told them “i’m sorry but i just don’t feel that way and i wanna be friends” like god SO often. my sister (used to be friends w them too) even would sit and we’d try to explain to them why they needed to stop.

but of course, they’d always reply to this with extreme defensiveness. say i was just over thinking it. that this is just who they were. that they joke with ALL their friends this way (sidenote i’ve seen how squeamish they can make their other friends). that “maybe i should rethink my standards for what is okay and not okay”. would even accuse me of being paranoid and “gaslighting” them. even when it got better, they were always making little jokes like “oh srry i wanted to pat you on the back but idk if you’ll get mad at me” like they really wanted to let me know i was in the wrong. and beyond that, they always seemed to be like actively trying to find new avenues of hitting on me.

and that was just the personal space issues. they’d also like rage at games when we played together? like slamming my controller to the floor when they lost. being overly competitive. being rude to my other friends if they were “holding them back” in a game. they’d actually criticize people who didn’t agree with how they wanted to play as being “unskilled” and “not real gamers”. and if you ever were beating them, they’d be all angry and say stuff like you were being “ cheap”. any mistake they made in a game was “people cheating”. but any time they did well (including purposeful exploiting), it was a boast worthy achievement. trashtalk all day but only they were allowed to do it.

it was weird too bc TBH THEY AREN’T EVEN ALL THAT GOOD. like overall, i’d almost always beat them. my sister too. they were mediocre at best. but of course… they’d literally make statements like “i almost always beat you” and “i usually win” when it was just… such a rare occurrence. its just… when it came to trying to have a fun play session with people, they put the game and winning above… you know… having fun w the rest of us? and sidenote they were always SUPER picky about what game we played. and when it came to options like “what guns to use” or “what stage to play”… you know how often people take turns so everyone is happy? on their turn, they’d get respect. but on everyone elses turn, they’d always like… fuck around and change options back to theirs and like revert stuff and just…

not that age matters but did i mention they were 27. i mean idk i only bring it up bc they reminded me so much of a little kid like esp about videogames. but there were a lot of other issues with them too. but i’ll just bring up the last big one. they… morally/politically? they tended to be in a cool direction in general. v “supports human rights overall” kinda person. but… they were the type who were idk v quick to judge? they would make extreme judgement calls with no information. they’d always end up fixated on conspiracies rather than perceiving things with moderation. people can think what they want imo, but the issue here is how they needed anyone close to them to agree with them too? 

example: one time i was driving w them in an area that had very little shops and it was late and i had forgotten to pick up a gift for someone we were meeting. just a small thing to thank them for a favor. the ONLY store open and around was walmart. yes fine walmart sucks but  idk i needed a gift. i mentioned i was gonna stop by there and they were like “no not walmart”. and i’m like “yeah i know lol” and they were like “no seriously we cant go in there”. long story they refused to go in, wouldn’t wait in the car, and made it out like if i went in that there would be a big problem. i ended up showing up to the person empty handed and it sucked. another time just recently i was gonna get some lays potato chips and they were like “ew no you can’t buy anything from the cocacola company” and like shamed me and walked off so i couldn’t get them. idk this kinda stuff happens all the time tbh? but it doesn’t stop at just like pretentious annoyance. they’d go HARD with political opinions too and if you disagreed w them they’d HATE you. not just internet forums or strangers. but friends. one time my sister (who for the sake of the story is pan and leaning towards non-binary) disagreed with them when they made a sweeping statement on fb about how some specific thing made everyone “transphobic”. anyways when my sister tried to discuss it with them they literally sicked their friends on her and insulted and browbeat her until she just had to leave. she got stressed at the end and yelled back finally and then they sent her a pm like “i’m really disappointed in you. i’ll be waiting for an apology when you’re ready to give it”. lol long story short my sis dropped them at that point. as she put it “i thought highschool was over”. she was already super mad at them for how they were treating me sexually anyhow tho like... srry but i guess one of my points is my sister is like one of the coolest, nicest, best people i know. she never drops people. but she dropped THEM. over the years i’ve asked them why they go from 0 to 11 so fast and why they don’t... idk... “lead” people into agreeing with them rather than angrily and violently just immediately demanding it? and as they put it “people with strong opinions will never change so don’t bother with them” and “i act how i do as an example to others of how to be a good person”. but god i guess just recently i came to realize that they were just... i don’t think they cared about other people. they just wanted to protect THEMSELVES above all else? they wanted a reason to judge people. it was all an excuse for them to feel self-righteous and act entitled and superior. oops i forgot to mention that they’re pan and gender-neutral as well? maybe they identify as trans but idk. the only reason i mention it is bc they definitely use it as a way to shame people and feel superior. i know it’s easy to be sensitive about that stuff considering, but they go above and beyond. and it’s weird that they’re all about human rights and w/e bc GOD they’re so gross sexually and... srry another example. so they’re a furry. totally fine imo. but one day we were walking around a downtown area with a lot of bars late at night and they were wearing fox ears/tail and bein themselves nbd. but we passed by a “drunkbus” right as cookie-cutter bros spilled out of it. one of them was like “hey i didn’t know the furry convention was in town” and i immediately got super angry and turned to say something. but then i looked to see my friend had just continued to walk away? i took a breath and walked back to them and was like “i’m so sorry like do you want me to say something?” and they were like “it’s okay some day i’ll fuck them until they like it” or “until i turn them” or god idk i think they maybe even used the term “rape”... alarm bells tbh. blahh i won’t go into any more details but lets just say how they act and how they say a person SHOULD act is a dictionary definition of hypocrisy. well anyways, i guess my point i wanted to make with this backstory is, as i’ve finally come to realize... they’re an immature, self-righteous, spoiled person with a pretty distinct martyr complex. and they’re kinda rapey. they always used to complain about all this drama they had and how awful everyone was to them... and it always sounded like “really bad luck”? but i realize now that they were just a tornado of selfishness with like no emotional control and they couldn’t keep friends for too long before it just had to end in a big flaming ball. sorry like i should point out i know they’re obv full of mental illness... but i don’t think they really go to therapy or seek help for any of it? like so many of us on here are pretty messed up but we do our best? this person is not doing their best. they clearly feel the world should change before they do. anyways anyways anyways. this friendship lasted for idk 2 years? 3? it was weird that i didn’t notice my own reactions as warning signs. like when i don’t know someone too well or am having issues... i’ll often bring another friend to hangouts as a sort of buffer. maybe uncool, but it helps. usually this only lasts for like one or two hangouts. but with this ex friend, it lasted the entire period. whenever i tried to hang out w them alone, a much bigger incident would always happen, and i’d go back to square one. but okay. the actual story of the incident: so i was always trying to get them to hang out with me and another friend bc i felt like we all had v similar hobbies, and this past tuesday it finally happened. we all hung out at other friend’s place and played games and ate food and outside of exfriend’s usual little issues, it went really well. at some point it was mentioned that sonic mania released that day. it was something we had all been very excited about, but we already had plans that day and some of us (me) didn’t want to experience the game the first time in a distracted social environment. but i mentioned “ugh i have a doc appointment early tomorrow but i’ll still dl it right when i get home. i better not play it tho lol weh”! when they heard i was buying it, they were like “oh man you gotta let me come over and try it”. i knew they were a big fan of the guy who made it and a huge sonic fan, but also that they had just lost their job and money was tight (i had to buy their food that day). i had a feeling they’d morally be against pirating it temporarily until they could afford it. so idk i was like “hey listen as long as we only play like the first act each, i could take you to my place before i drive you home. but only if you’re okay with being v quick bc i have dr in the morning”. sidenote they refuse to drive and don’t use a bike so hanging out with them always involved carting them around. and no before they lost their job (v recently), they coulda def afforded it. they literally were constantly buying insanely expensive collectibles like think of the most expensive gaming stuff you can and they prob have it. sealed panzer dragoon saga. vectrex with every game. fami twin with working disc system parts. ique with most games loaded. mint physical laserdisc copy (beta?) of dragons lair from the arcade machine. whatever. my point is they spent all their money on toys instaid of bettering themselves. we all do it but they took it to an extreme. one other thing... they only would communicate over their parent’s lan line phone and over facebook. they refused to have a cellphone. back to story. they excitedly agreed to my conditions and we went back to my place and installed the game. i started playing and god it was amazing (obv)! i got to the end of act 1 in a couple of minutes and was like “okay i should rly quit and hand it to you” but they were like “no no finish the zone” and tbh it was so good i agreed. so i played until i beat the boss and then i was like “okay i can’t go further” and quit and then handed it to them. i think the whole zone took me like... 5 minutes? this is when it started getting weird. i noticed my gf had called and like idk she was a bit worried bc i normally call her after i get home from my other friend’s place (we hang every tuesday like clockwork) and it had gotten really late but i forgot to let her know. it was really sweet and i didn’t want her to worry so i was like “hey uh shoot do you mind if i call her?” and tbh they were like already so absorbed in playing the game they weren’t even paying attention to me. but i had given them the rly comfy chair but it blocked the exit to the room. i couldn’t even squeeze by unless they moved first. so i started like asking them ‘hey uh do you mind pausing and moving so i could get by?”... nothing. again i asked. ignored. this went on for like idk 30 sec? a minute? until i finally was like hovering my finger over to hit the pause button like “can you please just pause so i can leave” like... and only then did they finally say “well fine but i don’t even know how to pause”. let me take the time to point out that they are prob the most techy person i know. esp about old game systems. they build flashcarts and repair ancient consoles and solder and mod and they worked the past 4(?) years at a legit retro game store. and they were amazing to begin with. it’s a small thing, but they coulda figured out how to pause a switch. they’d played one many times before too. so finally i have them pause it. and i’m like still standing there for 30 sec or so and they still aren’t budging? and i’m like “you uhh gotta get up so i can get by the chair is blocking me”. they continue to idk ignore??? i finally have to literally pick up the chair WITH them still in it and move it aside. only then could i pass. idk but i didn’t get angry or anything bc i was just relieved to finally get by. as i walked out of the room i mentioned to them “hey if i take too long just keep playing obv but when i walk in please pause it and quit immediately so i don’t see later level content plz” (i’m a big baby and have been avoiding all details for so long and was looking forward to the surprise lol). and they were like “okay” or something. i went out to my car and talked w my gf for god idk 15 or 20 min? i didn’t want to talk that long but she was going to bed soon and was a bit down/ill and i still wanted to talk to her and idk i knew worst case my one friend would love the extra time to play. and i felt like if i stayed out that long i could go in to a very satisfied friend, you know? so i get off the phone and head inside. i enter the room and am like “okay i’m back plz pause it like we gotta go”! ignored. i ask again kinda lol trying to plug my ears and not look. ignored. at that point i notice the same song from the first zone is playing and i look over and it is in fact the same level and i’m like ??? “wait how are you still on the first level??” and they were like “oh i’m completing all of the special stages”. the first thought i had was like oh wow cool they really wanted to stick to my initial request of only playing the first zone? unnecessary but v nice of them! i guess i was really reaching for an explanation lol... so whatever they still are playing so i sit down next to them and am watching them play for another minute or so. i was about to say something bc they still weren’t stopping but then i notice how close they are to the boss and am like “oh okay cool you’re p much to the boss so you’ll be done super quick”. they keep playing. at that point i notice they’;re like... taking sonic up and around the level kinda in circles? and backtracking? like? it’s really weird and i’m like “wait what are you doing” and they’re like “trying to get rings to complete the special stages”... so i’m like “uhh sorry tbh but i’m already way past when i wanted to go to bed is there any way you can just... go to the boss”?? and they’re still doing their thing and ignoring me and so i speak up again like “cmon like i’m really sorry but this doctors appointment is an obligation and i really need to get to bed”. and at that point they pause the game. stand up angrily. kinda fling the controller so it hits the table and falls onto the hard floor. they start kinda flailing their arms angrily and say in this really sour tone “oh im sorry i just thought you were gonna idk let me PLAY the GAME”??? i start replying like “listen i’m sorry i just like i don’t have a choice in the matter like i have to go to bed like you had like 3 times as much time as i did and idk maybe you can take the switch into the car or something idk??” and they just kinda angrily say “whatever whatever just stop yelling at me”. btw i’m not yelling. i’m definitely definitely not yelling. i’m not even angry. calm. nice. confused at best? and this isn’t one of those things where it’s like “im not yelling bc when i yell you really KNOW it”... i just wasn’t yelling by anyone’s terms. at that point i’m like “listen i’m sorry i just don’t know why this is becoming such an issue like idk maybe you can wear headphones in the car and keep playing later levels or...” and that’s when they’re like “it doesn’t matter just STOP yelling at me”. and the chair is in the way of the exit and needs to be like lifted and moved so we can leave. but at that point they take their foot and just KICK the chair across the room. at that point i’m kinda like “listen i’m sorry if i have a tone in my voice or am hurting your feelings but tbh it’s kinda hard to remain perfectly calm when you’re sorta throwing a temper tantrum and..” and that’s when they shouted as loud as they could “OKAY NOPE UH UH BYEEE” and swung open the door and ran through the house to the exit door. i’m trying to call after them like “shit i’m really sorry but i don’t have time to chase after you i gotta go to bed please can i just take you home like if you leave i gotta just let you and go to bed” and they ignore me and run outside. it’s like 2am at this point btw. i kinda go outside to check if they’re standing there cooling down but no. long gone. ran down the street i think. so i go back inside. turn the light out. and lock the door. i just dont have time to deal with this. i want to but i can’t. but i sit there for a few minutes. and... (maybe) the mentally ill/abused side of me is like “well you COULD go look for them and try to calm them down and drive them home and it wouldn’t take THAT much longer than you were gonna already spend driving them, right? worst case if you don’t find them you can just go home and go to bed”. and so i head outside.as i enter my car tho, i get this weird gut awful feeling of deja vu? i realise pretty quickly that this scenario was pretty similar to the ones i had pretty regularly with my one really bad ex gf. the one who was a manipulative sociopath that used me and cheated on me and also had no emotional control etc etc etc lol? and idk i was surprised bc... i thought that this part of my life had been over. but still... the dumb side of my brain ignored that and carried on. i drove along the path i assumed they walked, thinking maybe they woulda taken the time to calm down. after a bit i finally caught up to them. i pulled up slowly and kinda called out like “hey i’m really sorry like i never wanted it to go down that way like you’re my friend like let me take you home i’m really sorry”. they ignored me for a bit and kept doing that angry car walk thing as i had to slowly follow behind and continue apologizing. finally they stopped and came to the window. they were like “listen you can’t talk to me like that and abuse me like that like what you did was so awful and bullying and ..” and went on like that for a min. and i was like “listen i’m sorry and i know me using that one word in particular must have really set you off but idk..” like trying to explain to them why i said “temper tantrum” (BC THATS WHAT THEY FUCKING HAD BTW THATS WHAT IT GD WAS) but i was trying to be nice about it? so i continued on “well i mean the reason i said that was okay like i know you were agitated but you kinda like tossed my controller haphazardly and it hit the floor and yeah i’m sure it was an accident...” and at that point they stuck their head inside the window like super close to my face and shouted as loud and angrily and full of spittle as they fucking could “WELL MAYBE IT WAS A FUCKING ACCIDENT THEN”!!!! i’m like... idk... adrenaline just dumps into my body. i’m giving this person so so so many chances tonight. being so nice. and this is a problematic friend to begin with. and they’re shouting in my face like this as i try to apologize to them so i can drive them home after they ran off. but i’m a pacifist and i try to avoid conflict. but still... i’m like, probably quietly, “you... you can’t just yell at me like that. you aren’t allowed to yell at me like that.” and they open their mouth and start shouting more. and that’s when i shout back “I WON’T LET YOU SHOUT AT ME LIKE THAT”!!! idk if it scared them or what like i know i’m pretty booming and alarming when i shout idk but regardless they yanked their head out of the window and backed away from the car and i split second checked they were clear and i just floored it. but... i quickly slammed on the breaks. took a breath. decided i didn’t want it to be like this (do you see how stupid/messed up i am). i put it in reverse and turned around to back up. but i have to slam on the breaks. thank god i was only idling at that point. bc they’re pressed RIGHT up against my back bumper. i’m trying to comprehend all this bc there’s a v big sidewalk and they were on it when i started to speed off so why are they right behind my car now? a BIG alarm bell goes off in my head but i ignore it. i stare at them as they wait pressed against my bumper for like half a minute, giving them “what are you doing” eyes and gestures. finally they come back to the window. i’m like “listen. i’m really really sorry. it’s okay if you hate me. we don’t have to talk about it or at all. i made a mistake. i’m very sorry. can i just... take you home? i feel bad. we can try and work out this stuff later if we have to”. at that point they start yelling at me again (not screaming but just normal yelling) and telling me how awful and bullying and abusive etc i am and how their reactions were justified and idek bc they started walking off again. FINALLY. FINALLLLLY. my brain accepts this situation as fairly impossible and unreasonable and i decide i gotta be done. i just... can’t? anymore?? even if i wanted to... i don’t have time? so i pull up next to them and say sternly “you know what? you can’t treat your friends like this or they will LEAVE you.” and i sped off. i think i heard them screaming after me like “YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE” but god knows like my car is junk but i had floored it so they were long gone. okay so that’s PRETTY much the end of it. i decided pretty quickly after that that i was DONE with this person forever. that this wasn’t the kind of friendship i wanted. over the next few days i came to realize i should have been done with this person almost immediately. again, weird parallels to my worst ex. you don’t have to be dating someone or romantic w them for it to be a super abusive relationship. well anyhow i decided to avoid facebook or communicating w them for a bit so i could figure out how to like “officially end it”. because i was sure that they’d have gone on fb and written one of their common “i’m sorry i acted that way BUT” fake apologies where they pretend to be sorry but then negate the apologies by justifying all their behavior by making me out as some super abusive monster. 3 days later, i bite the bullet and check facebook, bc i realize this also is a pretty easy way for me to like... end it with them in a polite and cordial way? to pretend i don’t hate them. to talk to them in a way that hopefully keeps them from freaking out at me the next time our paths cross? also bc deep down i still do remember the good times and have a bit of respect for them. sure enough, it was there. the half-apology that leads into “you need to learn how to talk to people”. “you bullied me just like this person”. “when you talk to anyone you should use this tone”. tbh i only barely glazed over it. i started my reply along the lines of “i don’t want to get into a big discussion about what happened, but i think it would be best if we parted ways. i don’t think we’re compatible as friends. i hope we can be polite if we ever run into each other again. i’m really sorry that it turned out this way.” etc etc etc. part way in, i noticed their last short msg. sent way after the initial bunch of “sorry not sorry”s. it was just a half sentence. “i guess i should apologize for jumping in front of your car...” ... THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE. THAT BASTARD. THEY REALLY DID IT. THEY REALLY WERE TRYING TO FORCE ME TO INJURE THEM WITH MY CAR SO THEY COULD ENTRAP ME OR SUE ME OR FUCK MY LIFE UP. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING CRAZY AND PARANOID WHEN I HAD THAT THOUGHT BUT IT WAS TRUE. THAT ABSOLUTE LUNATIC. *deep breath* i’m still shaken. it was just a fluke that i didn’t step on the gas before i noticed them against my bumper. it EASILY could’ve gone down in the worst way. god. and all this over me asking them to stop playing sonic mania. tbh the experience kinda soured the game a bit for me? i mean... thank god it’s so good but really who even gives a shit bc it’s just a game like GOD fucking DAMN i can’t believe i had something so FUCKED happen at this stage in my life. i know it’s a really self-hating thing to do to blame myself for having someone like that around but... my. god. i ended up sending the fb message that i was initially planning and ignoring all the impulses to scream at them or call some authority (idek what i could do here) or tell them they need immediate help or what bc what the fuck. and i haven’t checked fb since. i wanna be done forever. i don’t ever wanna see or hear or hear about this person again. it’s a bit silly but i’m cleaning house and getting rid of all the stuff they got for me (i rejected most of their “wooing” gifts but a few still got through bc general gift exchange”. i know it’s messed up but i even washed all the clothes i was wearing w them regardless if it needed a wash or not. maybe it was symbolic. but they’re dead to me. god. it’s not just for the best it’s goddamn mandatory.

ANYWAYS so that’s it i guess. sorry i know how long this was. i don’t REALLY expect anyone to read through all this. but if you do, plz lmk so i can say thanks i guess lol? it’s just nice to get it all out there bc it kinda messed me up... really bad? idk. and oh um i’ll still reply to people individually for asking about the previous post that related to this? but it’s taking me a bit to do replies bc i’m just... kinda scared regarding social stuff rn considering.  i guess the last thing i’ll say is if part of you is telling yourself that someone is abusive and you find yourself constantly making really big considerations or umm excuses just to hang out with someone? maybe don’t. there are many good people out there for you. abusive people can be dangerous. be careful and try to surround yourself with nice, happy people. <3

[creacherkeeper]

I have an idea for a fic and I think you could do it better justice than I could, so here goes: Fitz realizes he's autistic after his child is diagnosed autistic. Partly inspired by your post thinking up an autistic fitz childhood fic and my own fitz as a dad feels after writing my little ficlet. Of course, if you don't want to write it, that's perfectly fine.

Processing Systems 

sorry this took a while to write! femslash feb happened so you know how that is. but here it is! in all its very educational glory! (with some fluff, it’s not all boring) 

3210 words 

read on AO3 

“Dr. and Dr. Fitz-Simmons, thank you for joining us,” the diagnostician,Dr. Booth, says, a professional smile on her face. Fitz and Jemma take a seatacross from her at her desk, while Caroline, as calm as the four-year-old canmanage, bounds into the diagnostician’s window seat and presses her faceagainst the glass, watching the cars go by outside, her hands twisting togetherin her lap.

“Thank you for seeing us on such short notice,” Jemma says.“Our schedules can be a bit … hectic, as you know, but you’ve been very accommodatingwith your time.”

“Of course.” Dr. Booth readjusts her glasses, peering at apile of papers on her desk. “Now, you said you were advised to come here byyour daughter’s school, correct? This wasn’t an unprompted decision.”

“She’s our first,” Fitz explains, glancing over to Caroline,who hasn’t moved, is just staring wide-eyed out the window. “And neither of ushave a lot of experience with kids. We didn’t think there was anything …different, about her.” He scratches at his face, then looks down at his lap,adding somewhat defensively, “We didn’t think there was anything to beconcerned about.”

“No one said anything about concern,” says Dr. Booth. “Youdon’t have to see this in a negative light. But if there is something to know,it’s good to know when your child is still young. There are steps you can taketo make sure your child is accommodated for, both at home and at school.”

“So there is something to know,” Jemma says, half aquestion.

“Before we get into the results, I just want the both of youto know the kind of strides that the field of psychology has taken in the lastdecade or so. We’re understanding different conditions more and more each year,diagnosis is becoming more accurate, treatment plans and accommodations aremore highly developed. There’s more to help families now than there ever hasbeen.”

“What are the results?” Fitz asks gruffly.

“Well,” Dr. Booth looks at her paper, a light smile on herface. “According to the tests we had Caroline do, as well as observation, and interviewswith the both of you, I’ve determined that Caroline does qualify for adiagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder.”

Jemma lets out a breath, looks towards Caroline, who doesn’tseem to be paying attention, and then towards Fitz, who’s eyebrows are drawntogether.

“There’s nothing wrong with my kid,” he bites out.

“I never said there was,” Dr. Booth assures him.

“You just said she has a disorder,” Fitz argues, facepinched in upset.

“Well, yes, that’s the official title. But not everyone seesit that way. Autism is classified as a disorder, but according to some schoolsof thought, it’s just one of the many kinds of neurodivergencies.”

“I guess—” Jemma starts, grabbing Fitz’s hand to rub herthumb along the side of his thumb, “we just don’t know much about it, is all. Imean, you hear things, but we aren’t really educated in the area. It’s inneither of our areas of expertise.”

“I can answer any questions you have, but let me explain alittle of the basics. Autism, or ASD, is classified as a developmentaldisability. It means that those with it—autistic people—hit developmentalcheckpoints at a different rate and sometimes in a different order than thegeneral population. It impacts aspects of communication such as spoken languageand body language, social skills, and will impact how autistic people processtheir environment and the world around them.”

“So it’s like …” Jemma risks a glance at Fitz, who’s notlooking at either of them. “It’s like having a different processing system inher brain.”

“Exactly,” Dr. Booth says. “Some autistic people compare itto being an Android phone in a world of iPhones. There’s nothing inherentlylesser about either system, they’re just different. They have different coding,run different apps, have different strengths and weaknesses. There are inherentchallenges in living in a world that wasn’t built for you, which is why it’s adisability, but every autistic person will have different ways of coping with andadapting to that. Some people can adapt in such a way that you wouldn’t be ableto tell the difference, and some people don’t.”

“So … you’re saying when she grows up, she might be—” Jemmawinces, thinking. “’Normal’, for lack of a better word.”

“No,” Dr. Booth says. “She’ll always be autistic, it’s notsomething you grow out of. Some people are just better at blending in. Forexample, most people wouldn’t guess I was autistic just from talking to me, butI am. And to be honest with you, I think it makes me even better at this jobthan most people are.”

“Because you can relate?” Jemma asks.

“That’s one reason. Autistic people are also highly attunedto the details of things, which is necessary when you’re a diagnostician. We’revery good at picking out patterns. There are certain advantages to having anautistic brain. Different strengths and weaknesses, like I said.”

Jemma squeezes Fitz’s hand, watching the side of his face.She can see he’s still obviously upset about something. “Doesn’t sound soscary,” Jemma says, trying to comfort them both.

“You know—” Fitz cuts himself off, glancing at the ceiling,then to Dr. Booth, then back up. “You know, where- where are you even gettingthis? She just- She seems like a normal kid. You- You say she’s different, butwhere are you getting that? How come you say my kid is so different? That she-she’s got different processing, or something.”

Dr. Booth watches him steadily, and finally he looks at her,then looks away. “You know, no one is saying this is a bad thing, Dr.Fitz-Simmons. There’s no need to be defensive about it. Having terms like thisto describe your child’s experiences can be a very helpful thing, in the longrun.”

“I think we would just be more comfortable if we understoodexactly where the diagnosis came from,” Jemma says, squeezing Fitz’s handagain.

“Of course,” Dr. Booth says, “I can explain how I came tothis conclusion. Well, I mentioned that autistic people process the worlddifferently. These differences in perception can affect our senses—manifestingin what we call sensory defensiveness and sensory seeking behaviors, of whichCaroline shows both.”

“Can you explain what that means?” Jemma asks, when Fitzdoesn’t say anything.

“We’ll start with sensory defensiveness. It means avoidanceof unpleasant sensory experiences, showing a level of sensitivity outside ofthe normal range. Caroline, for example, didn’t like when I turned the mainlight on in the testing room because it hurt her eyes, so we turned on a dimmerlamp instead. You both said that she startles easily and will cover her ears atloud noises, refuses to eat foods if she doesn’t like the texture, and is onlycomfortable in mild weather.”

“All that she gets from her dad, really,” Jemma says,smiling at him. “He’s always been sensitive to that kind of stuff.”

“Hey.”

“What? You have. You hate the cold, the heat, loud noises,certain foods—”

“Everyone has preferences,” Fitz defends. “Don’t seeanything wrong with that.”

“Let’s move on to the sensory seeking behaviors. Shedisplays what we call ‘stimming’—it’s short for self-stimulation. Autisticpeople do it to help themselves process their environment, both external andinternal. Stimming behaviors that Caroline displayed included hand flapping,hand twirling, bouncing, chewing on her lips and fingers—”

“Well, she gets that from me, too,” Fitz cuts her off. “I’vealways felt better when I’m in motion. She’s just twitchy, like me.”

“Okay,” Dr. Booth says, leveling him with a careful smile.“Her language skills are also a point of interest. She shows the capacity for avery advanced vocabulary, but rarely spoke when prompted. When she did, it wasjust to tell me about her favorite fish.”

“Oh yes,” Jemma says, beaming. “She does love fish. Allaquatic life, actually. She knows so much about it. It’s all she talks about,really.”

“And she showed an understanding of words far beyond her agelevel when she did, but for the most part she was silent. She obviouslyunderstood all my instructions, but didn’t respond to them.”

“I mean, she’s already above where I was,” Fitz says. “Ididn’t even speak ‘till I was six. But when I did, it was all about monkeys.She loves animals, just like me. She’s just focused.”

“We would call something like that a ‘special interest’,”Dr. Booth informs them. “It’s common for autistic people to want to focus on theirinterests when they’re by themselves, as well as a way of interacting withothers.”

“Was that all?” Jemma asks.

“Well, she also displayed what we refer to as ‘asymmetricalmotor skills’. Her fine motor skills, small movements, like her handwriting, werereally quite good. At or above the normal range. But gross motor skills, thingslike walking, controlling broad movement of her limbs when we played games,were much poorer.”

“Clumsiness runs in the family,” Fitz says. “I’m kind of aklutz. Good with my hands, though.”

“You know,” Dr. Booth starts cautiously, lacing her fingerson the table, turning to Fitz. “You seem to relate to an awful lot of thetraits your daughter displays, Dr. Fitz-Simmons.”

“W-Well—” Fitz scratches the back of his head, glancing atJemma. “I mean, she’s my kid. There’s going to be similarities.”

“Have you ever considered getting evaluated?”

Fitz just stares, Jemma glancing between them.

“What would that entail?” she asks.

“A similar process to what your daughter went through. A fewtests, an interview, some paperwork. It takes a few hours, when all is said anddone, over a day or two.”

“Sh-Should I?” Fitz asks, aimed at Jemma, mouth bobbing intoan open gape.

Jemma watches him carefully, then turns back to Dr. Booth.“What are the benefits?”

“Well, for adults especially, having an official word foryour experiences can be very relieving. It helps you to make sense of somethings that may have been in the dark in your life before. It can also help youfeel connected to other people like yourself—the autistic community is growingand thriving nowadays, and you can always reach out to other people who havesimilar experiences. And it opens avenues for accommodations in the workplaceas well, should you need them.”

She turns back to Fitz, giving a little shrug. “Is thatsomething you’re interested in?”

He looks away. “Maybe.”

“Well, I only evaluate children, but I can refer you to somevery good diagnosticians who evaluate adults as well. You don’t have to take meup on it if you don’t want to, but from my personal experience, I think it’ssomething worth looking in to.”

Fitz picks at the fabric of his pants. “Yeah, alright.I-I’ll think about it.”

“Our time is about up here, but before you go let me giveyou this—” She hands over a stapled stack of papers. “It’s Caroline’s officialdiagnosis results. You’ll find a full explanation of the results of each test,as well as her scores on the IQ portion of the test. That’s another thing tonote—her test scores vary highly over the different tests. Most people havemore concentrated scores, whereas Caroline scored within a range of 30thpercentile to the 99th. Also included in there is the next steps youcan follow: places to do more research, as well as the possible benefits ofthings like occupational therapy.”

“If we have any questions—” Jemma starts.

“Feel free to email me, and I’ll get back to you as soon asI can.”

Fitz takes the papers as he stands, bending and curling themwithin his grasp.

Jemma shakes Dr. Booth’s hand. “Thank you for your time, Dr.Booth, this has been very helpful.”

“I’m happy to do it. And can I just say, even though she wasa little scared when we started out, it’s obvious that Caroline is a very happykid. I think the two of you have done an excellent job of raising her so far,even without these resources.”

“Thank you,” Jemma says, “that means a lot.” She turns toCaroline, who’s still pressed against the window, looking like she hasn’t beenpaying attention at all. “Caroline, darling, we’re going now.”

Caroline jumps down from the seat, bounding up to Jemma inbouncing steps. She reaches up, and Jemma picks her up with a grunt and settlesher on her hip.

“Can fish be autistic?” Caroline asks, eyes wide, lookingaround the room.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you were listening.” She glances atDr. Booth, smiling. “No, I don’t think they can be. I think it’s special tohumans.”

“Humans are fish,” Caroline says. “Everything’s fish.”

“Well, I don’t think that fish that live in the ocean can beautistic. Just people-fish.”

“What about dolphins? They’re mammals.”

“No,” Jemma laughs. “But they might have their own version.”

Caroline gives a noncommittalhum, then starts playing with Jemma’s hair.

Dr. Booth smiles at them. “Sosmart, that one. I think she takes after her parents.”

“Thank you again,” Jemma says,and then the three of them make their way out of the room.

As they’re walking out to thecar, Jemma watches Fitz, who hasn’t said anything.

“You’ll think about it?” sheasks.

“Yeah,” he replies. “I’ll thinkabout it.”  

-

A month later, Jemma is sittingin their living room looking over some files, as Caroline lays on the floorlooking at a marine biology textbook. She doesn’t know how to read most of thewords (though she recognizes the shape of most of the species names), but shelikes looking at the pictures and diagrams.              

The front door opens and closes,and Jemma looks up nervously.

“Fitz?” she calls.

“Just me,” is the response.

Her body relaxes, and she goes backto looking at the file as he takes off his shoes and hangs up his coat, thoughshe’s not really reading it. After a minute he joins them in the living room,plopping heavily onto the couch. There’s a set of papers clutched in one of hishands.

He’s quiet, and Jemma tries towait for him to speak, but after only a few seconds she can’t help herself.

“Well?” she asks. “What’d theysay?”

He uncurls the papers, and handsthem over. Jemma takes them, reading quickly.

Diagnosis: Autism SpectrumDisorder

She reads it again, then scanslower down on the page. There’s a lot about test results, results of theinterview, a lot of numbers that Jemma hasn’t started to unpack yet. But, thereit is. Plain as day.

“So,” she says.

“Yeah.”

“How are you feeling about it?”

He scoots down on the couch,tilting his head to rest against the back. He blows out a breath, fingerstwisting together on his stomach. “Relieved, I think.”

“Well … that’s good, isn’t it?This is a good thing.”

“It- It explains a lot of things.Things I’ve been confused about. Things that I didn’t necessarily have wordsfor, before. I just … I wish I’d known sooner.”

“Do you think it would’vehelped?”

“Yeah,” he admits softly. “I-SHIELD knew. I called Coulson and asked, it’s been on my file since theAcademy.”

Jemma’s brows furrow. “They knewand never told you?”

He shakes his head, eyes on theceiling. “Wasn’t in the policy to tell, I guess. And Coulson just assumed Iknew already.”

“Well, in any case,” Jemma says, “youknow now, and that’s what’s important. And, can I just say, I’m really proud ofyou for doing this. I know it was scary, but you went through with it anyway,and I think that was really brave. And I think this is going to be a goodthing, getting to learn more about yourself.”

“Yeah.” Fitz finally turns tolook at her. “Yeah, I think this is going to be a good thing, too.”

“And,” Jemma adds, “it’s justanother way that you can relate to our daughter.”

“That’s true,” Fitz says,smiling, and then scoots off the couch to settle on the floor in front ofCaroline. “Did you hear, monkey? Daddy’s autistic, too. We have the same kindof brain.”

“Shovelhead sharks clonethemselves,” Caroline replies, still looking at her book. “So they’d have thesame kind of brain, too.”

“That’s true.” Fitz nods. “Theywould. I didn’t clone myself, though. You can tell because you’re much cuterthan me.”

“She does have the curls,” Jemma points out.

“That she does.” He grins. “Oneof the many wonderful things she gets from me.”

“She gets some things from me,” Jemma quips, as he moves to sit back on thecouch next to her, grabbing up her hand. “Like her love of biology.”

“Ah- Love of animals,” Fitz shootsback, a teasing grin on his face. “Still from me.”

“I like animals.”

“You like dissecting them, Jem,that’s different.”

“Fine. What about her love oftidiness? That definitely comes from me.”

“Well … I do keep my lab verytidy. But she also keeps her room clean, which I do not, so sure, I’ll give youthat one.”

Jemma beams. “Hah. I knew therewas something.”

Fitz smiles, but eventually itdrops. “Do you … Do you think this is gonna change anything?”

Jemma tilts her head, peering athim. “Like what?”

“Dunno,” Fitz mumbles.

“I don’t think it’ll changeanything unless you want them to change.”

“If I do … d’you think that’sbad?”

“No,” Jemma assures him. “How youthink of yourself is going through a change, I don’t think it’s bad if you wantother things to change along with it. If anything, it might change how open youare with certain things about yourself. And how you think those things deserveto be treated.”

“Caroline … She’ll have names forall these things. She’ll understand it. Understand herself, better than I did.”

“Yes, she will.”

“And- And I’m glad we know, now.So we can give her the best life she can have.”

Jemma raises their conjoinedhands to press a kiss to the back of his. “You’re already a great dad, Fitz. You’realready giving her an amazing life. But yes, this will make things easier, nowthat we know.”

Fitz ducks his head, smiling, andthen turns to Caroline. “Hey, monkey, do you want to watch Finding Nemo? Youcan tell us all the species names when they come on screen.”

Caroline immediately jumps up,her hands flapping at her sides. “Yes, yes, yes!”

Fitz gets up to put in the DVD,and on his way back scoops Caroline off the floor and plops her onto his lap ashe settles back onto the couch. She presses back against him, picking up hishand so she can play with his fingers as she watches. Jemma leans against hisside, resting one hand on his leg.

“Amphiprion ocellaris,”Caroline says as the movie starts.

Fitz presses a kiss againsther hair. “Good job, monkey. Good job.”