#i am literally the most jealous cynical and insecure person on the face of the earth

[jimkirkachu]

when literally all your mind can think about is the fact that you will in all likelihood never be kissed, snuggled, or held hands with for the rest of your life

[hikarinon]

Fictitious Promise

۵ Pairing :  Haikyuu!! MIYA ATSUMU x reader

۵ Angsttt + fluff, OOC, heartbreaks, promises :”

۵ Warnings : i hope this messes you up

  Loving you never broke my heart, Atsu.

Believing in your promises did.

There he is.

Dazzling.

Swarmed by others the moment he walked out through the doors and put on a smile. Hands carefully, yet instinctively finding its way around waists, head, and shoulders.

Black jersey drawed and pulled by soft hands with pretty nails. The way those fingers trailed their way up and down on his stern chest, wailing noises of indirect desires. You might be standing meters a way from the party, yet no one’s stupid enough not to see it. the way he’s enjoying it.

There he is.

That scumbag.

Your attention went upon a sudden knock on your window shield, you smiled at the subject as you let the car window slowly lower. He smiled back,

“Hey gorgeous.” his hands tucks away a strand of hair behind your ear, as if that’s what he does best. Your cheeks leaned on his palms sweetly as he hums at your action.

“You’re driving now, Atsu” you grinned when he clicked his tongue.

Finally able to look elsewhere rather than front, your eyes scanned the surroundings, sucking it all in as if you’ll never see it again. You looked everywhere, especially upon the person right beside you. his warmth spread upon your thighs, signaling you to give him your hands. He brushed his lips against your knuckles,

“Wanna go buy some take outs, babe?”

“Yes, I’m begging you.”

He chuckled, “Anything for you, princess.”

—————

   Do you remember when destiny allowed him to flirt with you for the very first time?

You were simply sitting alone on your desk, cheeks resting on your left palm while the other was writing an assignment. A shadow appeared in front of you, knocked on your desk. And there he was, sitting on the chair backwards, smugly smiling as his hands crossed on your desk.

“Hey, can I borrow a pen?”

You calmly gave it to him. He resumed to draw scribbles on your desk, “It doesn’t work.”

“It obviously does, Miya-san”

“Oh really?” he gave you his palm, “ then try writing your number here.”

—————

“May I ask for your orders?”

He threw an easy brief warm smile at you before saying his orders, “One double cheeseburger ala carte, one large pepsi with two straws, and one twenty pc chicken nugget sharebox for my starving girlfriend.”

“Atsu, babe. I will throw hands”

—————

    Remember when you went out for a date to the movies? He was late. Yet there he was, hands full. He bought you three hot dogs, one hot chocolate, one caramel popcorn bucket sized, and one large pepsi with two straws to share. He instantly got the couple sit tickets the moment he saw they were available. both of your hands linked to each other throughout the whole entire movie.

You whispered in his ears ,“ I wanna eat. Can you let go of my hand for a bi-”

“Nope. Sorry, can’t do that”  

—————

Your eyes glimmered with orange by the sunset. The car parked on a hill, he turned on some alternative music on the radio, whilst eating the burger. His eyes caught you sweetly munching on your nuggies and he instantly went soft. You were startled by the sudden flash as he took a pic of you. a glare sent from the corner of your eyes, mouth full with nuggets. He smiled cunningly and captured your lips with his playfully,

“Relax, you’re pretty.”

—————

     Remember the day when suddenly he took a lot of photos of you? He realized his phone didn’t have at least 100 photos of you. You were very flustered by his sudden action that day, but dear how elated you were. They weren’t pretty in your eyes, but his sarcastic mouth said otherwise.

“Geez, why are you so jealous of my overly gorgeous girlfriend?” he continued to ramble through his phone.

“Here, look. I even made her my wallpaper so piss off.”

—————

You cackled loudly as he tangles your waist and pulls you down with him, sinking on the sofa.

“Where do you think you’re going babe” his nose lovingly nuzzled against the back of your neck, sending faint shivers. You jiggled, trying to escape from his strong grasp “Pleaseeee I haven’t bathe.” his lips littered down your back, “Mmmm no wonder you smell nice.”

Your fists lightly hit him on the chest. You turned around to face his stunning features as your lips formed a smile the moment he sealed it with his,

“Let’s bathe together, yeah?”

—————

   Remember when the Inarizaki team brought you along to the beach cause he begged them to? You literally bought a new swimsuit just to show off some skin for him. He adores your body very much. More than he intended to actually.

The moment you opened your clothes, revealing a two piece swimsuit, all stares and whistles headed towards you. It wasn’t even a minute till your body was covered with something soft that had a very familiar scent on it.

“I literally bought this just for this occasion, Atsu.”

“I think we can all agree that you’re hot ,babe. And you know that. What you probably didn’t know was that you’re hotness can only be reserved by me and me only.”

————— 

“Oh my god, then what?” you find yourself on the corner of tub playing footsies with Atsumu who is seated on the opposite side, stroking your feet with his.

“Then Omi-omi took his handkerchief and slapped it across Bokuto’s face” you snorted.

Mellow water enveloping your nudity, your body started to lean deeper. You can feel your face sink into the warmth as you closed your eyes, wanting to float.

You felt a pull on your hips. He easily caressed your back, lifting you up. Your eyes met and drowned in the most mesmerizing hazelnut eyes, drooping, slowly closing. He took his precious time enjoying his view. With most eagerness laying hot breaths against your wet plump lips

He leaned forward to taste them. His teeth nibbled your lower lips, enticing it to open. Your tongues swirled together in the hotness of the insides of your mouth. Your hips instinctively grind against his, you whined a moan as he released your swollen lips.

“Have I told you today that I love you?”

—————

     Remember when he suddenly opened up to you about his deep feelings and insecurities? You simply missed him, you just gotta call. With a hoarse voice you said hi and cue the intros.

He admitted that he was really that happy you called. He needed someone to talk to and you were just the perfect person for that matter. Delight filled your heart as he spent a solid three hours on the phone with you, just being vulnerable.

“You are an angel, did you know that babe? You mean everything to me. You accepted me for who I am, you’re the only one who understood me, and you know all of my bad sides and self-defects yet…” he paused,

“You still stayed ….…. darn it, I love you.”  

—————

he stared at you all doe eyed, watching some old vines on youtube. As cute as you were all dolled up, wearing his oversized sweater, laying on your stomach on the bed, it was torturing him on how you’re not under his arms right now.

His body plopped on top of your back, but careful enough not to crush you. It was now officially his mission to steal your attention. He pampered wet kisses on your shoulders, licking and biting you as he heard someone sing from your phone,

“Goodness he’s worse than you, Atsu-OWEHATTHEFUCKK” he cuts you off by pinching your sides, tickling it. You were wheezing as both of you laughed widely while fighting for dominance. He finally had your attention. he took a hold of your wrist and pinned it on top of your head. he smirked cynically,

“Turns out I’m too patient with you, sweetheart. How bout a lil punishment, hm?”

—————

    God, remember when he wrote a song just for you? It was just this year. Your birthday to be exact.

He said the MSBY had a meeting the whole day so he couldn’t just go and throw flowers and shower your whole body with kisses as you bathe and make love together in his jacuzzi. You were a bit disappointed to be honest.

But all your sorrows vanished the second you heard the audio he sent you.

Words by words, sentence by sentence, exclaiming his love for you. You could hear that he was a bit out of tune, but honestly, you didn’t give a single fuck about his voice. Your heart was too consumed with the lyrics,

“ Baby, I know

I can make it better, I can hold you tighter

All roads leads to you” 

—————

All spooned up by his stature, his legs captivated yours to decrease the rate of possibilities of you leaving him. He breathe against your back, hands circling your torso adoringly.

He loves doing that, it gives him somewhat kind of tranquility and ecstasy on how your being is near him and with him. You can’t help but find yourself smiling foolishly as you hear his muffled I love you’s against your skin.

Then all of the sudden, it rained.

He lifted his head to look out the window to confirm the pouring rain outside, then he went back to his former position

“You like the rain, right?” he hummed

—————

  Oh the rain

Remember the rain? You must never forget the rain.

Room scattered with thrown books. Legs frail, fallen to the floor. It went just like that and voila, you had a huge fight. He didn’t restrain his volume as he yelled back his defense, and so did you. Then silence filled the room. The only thing keeping you conscious is the sound of the pouring rain outside and the menacing, broken stare he bestowed upon you.

You closed your eyes shut, emptiness rushed through your body, letting the tears stain the floor as you ran out of the house. Your feet brought you out, far away from him. the coldness wet rain enveloping your being. But compared with what he gave you, it was beyond warm.

But it’s okay, it’s over anyway. Warm tears combined with the falling rain, jerked the moment your sight was surprised by him. Wet, drenched, catching his breath, hands holding a dry jacket. He hesitantly wrapped you in them and pulled on its sides, causing you to fall forward leaning on his chest.

With a hard push you backed away, but he didn’t give up on you yet. He embraced you, stroking your hair, your back, calming the both of you down.

“It’s not going to be easy babe. putting up with me, putting up with you, it’s hard. But I want to do it, I wanna go through all of it with you. Just you!” your breath sobbed against his chest. He squeezed you tighter, kissing your forehead.

he held on for his goddamn life.

“I promise I’m going to change. I’m sorry for yelling at you babe, my sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I won’t do anything like that again.” your whimpering lips silenced by his,

“I”m not going to hurt you anymore. I promise.”

————— 

Your sight became cloudy after receiving his question. You used your index finger to lightly graze off the wetness trickling down from your eyes, careful so he won’t notice. Then you flipped your body to face his.

—————

  Remember how he kissed you to sleep that night?

How he made such a dramatic scene?

All his mistakes, his errors, his faults.

Remember how he apologized for all of it

-

Just to end up doing it all over again?

—————

 You clenched your fists and smiled,

“Yeah, I like it a lot.”

—————

  You know what else you remember?

how there were other faded ink on his palm

how he made you wait three hours, all alone in the cinema

and blamed you for being to early in the first place

—————

You fondled and stroked his slumbered cheeks, softly snoring.

—————

  how there were other gorgeous pictures in his gallery, probably more than 100

 And how his wallpaper  magically changed the next day

—————

 Your lips sealed his temple, as a huge wave went up to your heart, tearing them apart.

—————

  the way his eyes looked at those luscious body at the beach, bodies that weren’t yours.

how he didn’t notice the despair in your voice as he opened up to you that night you called him

you had to swallow up your all your tears and restrain yourself from telling him that your grandfather just passed away.

—————

 Your lips clenched, pursing against his temple as you whispered a hoarse goodbye.

—————

  God, remember how you found out he gave you the exact same song he gave his ex?

—————

 You stood up from the bed, released from his tender arms.

—————

  Remember how he barely calls you, how he didn’t want to hear your stories, how he didn’t ask you if you were okay, how you had to say sorry for venting, how his eyes didn’t smile when you were talking to him, how he said you didn’t care about him at all?

—————

 The sealed letter placed on your pillow. With all capabilities you have left, you changed and grabbed your baggage and your plane ticket.

It took everything in you not to break down as you take the doorknob into your hands.

—————

  I kept asking this questions over and over again Atsu, and every time I do, the answer remains the same.

Yes, I do remember.

I remember every single shit of it. 

Now the question is, do you remember, Atsu? Did any of this even pass through your mind before you bought the thing that is in your drawer? The one with our names carved on it? How could you be so sure of succeeding?

But yeah I would probably fall to my knees, crying tears of joy, repeating my indulgement over and over again as you’d slip it in between my fingers.

—————

 You flinched when you heard a voice coming from his mouth. You turned around to glance at him attentively, just to see him still sleeping peacefully, mumbling out the words,

“.…m..marry me….y/n…”

You quickly opened the door, closing it while you still can,

and you broke down.

Your body leans on the door,clenching it, slowly falling down to the tiles. Your eyes closed shut, sobbing out every everlasting tears. You quickly lift your hand to seal your muffled, gasping cries escaping your mouth. Silencing it.

—————

  And that’s why I’m leaving, Atsu. Because I know I won’t reject you.

 We’re all fools in love, huh?

—————

 and you left

Finally.

—————

  Loving you never broke my heart, Atsu. Believing in your promises did.

-

 -Sincerely, y/n

—————

 Sunshine peeking through the shades, triggering his eyelids to open. Empty arms greeted him, but he let it slide. He thought you’re probably just lurking somewhere in the house being all pretty. He smiled at the thought.

 That is, till his hands found its way on a letter.

 ‘Dear, Atsu’

————————————————

 All that was left was a crumbled, slightly wet letter, an empty proposal ring, and a curled up Miya Atsumu, all laying on the cold floor.

 Devastation, guilt, and dejection emptying him. His heart clenched out tears every single time he remembered.

Hiccups and gasps reaching for air filled the silence. Heavy breaths barely escaped his trembling lips as tears flowed down on his laps with ease. You broke him.

 You broke his heart

 For you have also broken a promise

 Do you remember, love?

 when you promised him you would stay.

[unmanageable-day]

you can read the first part here but i think it’s not that necessary lol

Pairing. Mingyu x y/n x Wonwoo

Genre. angst / ugly break up, mention of accusing of cheating

Summary. Mingyu doesn’t want to be that person he hates the most, who regrets everything later and realizes how precious one is after that person is not within his reach anymore. Unfortunately it is probably already too late

a/n: i used to have the longer version of his in my draft but tumblr didn’t let me save it and it got lost just like that.

He had been declining your intention to meet in person. It had been 5 days since he got discharged and went back home. You sent text messages to him everyday, asking if you could come over. He kept making excuses, saying he wanted to rest or he didn't feel good. Frankly he never felt good since Wonwoo visited him in the hospital. He knew once he agreed to meet you, it would be over that instant. It was difficult to get a wink of sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, Wonwoo's words kept echoing in his ears.

It's now a waiting game. She wouldn't want to be associated with you. She probably regrets knowing a Kim Mingyu. It's now a waiting game. Enjoy while it lasts. Being Y/N's boyfriend.

One day, it seemed you had reached the peak of frustration and it showed in your most recent text. 'Mingyu, I don't know how to put it into words. But I really need to talk to you and I don't think I can hold it any longer. If we can't meet, then I think I should just tell you through text.' Even Mingyu could hear the way you talked.

Without thinking, Mingyu called you right away. He was afraid to receive more texts from you because he knew what you would say. The idea of being dumped through text was scarier than he thought.

"Y/N?" "How are you doing?" "I'm.. good, I guess." "Look, I..." "After lunch. Is that okay?" he asked weakly. "Okay. I'll bring your favorite bread pudding." "No need to. I'm good." Mingyu tried hard not to choke himself when he realized tears were ready to stream down his cheeks. "But still.." "Y/N?" "Yeah?" "I love you." It was odd even for him to say it now. "Oh.." You sounded taken aback. You paused, not knowing what to say. "Anyway, I'm hanging up first," Mingyu continued. He knew he can’t take it anymore. 

He dragged his feet to wash his face. His mother was excited to hear that you would come over. She had no idea that you coming just for one purpose only; to end everything with her son. Mingyu had to force a smile and lie that he and you were fine.

Mingyu’s mother escorted you directly to the son’s room as you arrived. You found Mingyu sitting up on his bed, staring at nothing. His mother had to call him to snap him back to reality before leaving his bedroom.

You sat on the other edge of his bed. "Mingyu, I’ll just be straight to the point. About us..."

“Wait,” he interrupted with a weak voice. “I'll get you some cake Joshua brought yesterday. You'll love it.” Then he got up, leaving you in his bedroom for a moment.

You sighed. This should be easy.

Mingyu came back with a little smile, two plates of strawberry cake were on his hands. "Joshua is learning to bake. He's not on my level yet but the taste is not bad."

You smiled listening to him.

"Seungkwan just arrived from Jeju yesterday and brought some tangerines. I think my mom has prepared some for you too." He kept on going about his friends. Jeonghan finally going official with his girl friend. Seungcheol planning to go mount climbing with his gym buddies. Seokmin making new friends with some guys in the office. Until he was running out of his friends' life updates, Mingyu eventually slowed down talking.

"Can I have my turn to talk?" you asked, trying to read his mood carefully. He had been smiling a lot when he rambled about his buddies. You just didn't know—or maybe you just didn't care that much anymore that the smiley face was just a disguise.

No. Don't.. Mingyu now wore an expressionless face, his eyes locked on yours. He wished you could read his mind. He didn't dare to say 'don't say a word' right into your face.

"Mingyu, I.. I don't think we can, I can.. now it's just..." Why was it so hard to you to complete your sentence? It used to be easy with your previous boyfriends.

"Don't.." he mumbled.

"What?"

He shook his head slowly. His jaw was clenched, teeth gritted as he almost blurted it out. Don't continue. Don't speak a word..

Inhaling deeply, you continued. "Mingyu, don’t you think it would be better to end—"

"Y/N, please tell me we'll be alright," he cut in. His eyes looked desperate, searching for mercy while gazing deeply directly at yours. He gripped your hands, continuing, "I was wrong. We should have never fought. I messed up. The fault was all mine."

"Mingyu.."

"I'll do anything. Anything for you to forgive me. I will not ask anything about you and Wonwoo anymore. If you want to hang out with Wonwoo on weekends, you can go and I won't say anything. If you guys want to have your exclusive movie night, or game night, or even sleepover, it's okay, I won't question you anymore." He put his head down as he started to sniffle.

‘Seriously? You never got jealous over Chaeyeon just once?’ Mingyu asked one day, fascinated by the fact that you were his first girlfriend that never questioned about his best friend who was a girl.

‘Why should I?’ you chuckled. ‘I also have Wonwoo, remember?’

‘We’re definitely the coolest couple,’ he cheered happily.

Both Mingyu and you had been understanding about your respective best friends. You had no problem with Mingyu going out with Chaeyeon even when it was just the two of them. Mingyu also used to be fine when you had to cancel your dates because Wonwoo needed you. Until it didn’t work that way anymore one day.

"Mingyu, don't be like this."

"I'm sorry," he sobbed harder as he squeezed your hands. "If I have to beg on my knees, I will. So, please, let this stay in the past and we'll start anew."

You stayed still, feeling uneasy as you watched Mingyu weeping his eyes out. He kept mumbling 'I'm sorry's and 'this is all my fault's desperately.

"Mingyu, stop crying. Your mother will think I'm being violent to you." You reached out your thumbs to wipe off the tears all over his face. Contrasting the affectionate gestures, your tone sounded cold and your expression was dull. Or maybe irritated. That was what he thought judging from your frown.

Mingyu held your hands cupping his own cheeks. "Y/N, please?"

You quickly pulled your hands away. "Mingyu, let's give ourselves some more time to think, okay?"

—

"Mingyu?" You were flustered to see him in front of your door. More than a week had passed and you hadn’t seen him again to finish the last hanging conversation. You never expected him to come to you first like this.

"Y/N.." A smile—a bittersweet one—slowly crept up his lips, showing off his canine. He didn't look as content like he used to. His eyes couldn't even hide his sadness and he looked unsure of what he was doing. But from the way he called your name, there was a longing feeling in his voice.

"I'm sorry but you should go home, Mingyu," was all you could say.

He should know better that his presence was unexpected and probably unwanted. "I don't want to. It kills me inside to be home alone. It feels like dying to think that you're not within my reach, that you're so distant from me. Y/N, if you want to despise me, you can. If yelling at me can relieve your frustration, yell at me and I won't talk back. Y/N, please, just hate me for the rest of your life but please don't be like this. I can't stand this cold shoulders, it's torturing me. I just want to be a part of your life, as a person who can have all your trust, as a person who will always believe in you and be by your side, as a person who loves you with all my heart."

A cynical tsk was suddenly heard. Without making a sound, Wonwoo was approaching your side with his light steps just like a cat. "You finish with your words?"

"Jeon Wonwoo.. what—" He choked on his own words, effectively stopping himself from doing what he used to do; questioning your intimate friendship with Wonwoo. A train of memories of you and him arguing in a big fight suddenly slipped across his mind.

'What is exactly your relationship with Wonwoo? You often ditch me for him. Is he really that important and I'm not? I'm your boyfriend, Y/N.' 'Are you seeing him behind my back? Are you fucking him?' You thought you could hold it in, but not with him accusing you like this. 'Mingyu, you sound crazy, do you know that? Are you hearing yourself?' you snapped. 'I sound crazy right now? How about you always saying 'Wonwoo this' and 'Wonwoo that', when I am literally your boyfriend who puts you, my girlfriend, on top of my priority list?' 'Do you know how many times I have to hold myself back, because I don't want to be that insecure bitch saying 'don't go with Wonwoo', 'do you have to go with Wonwoo?' and 'I don't like it when you go out with Wonwoo'?' 'Are you playing with me now? Am I just a toy?' 'Is it fun two-timing me over your so-called best friend?' 'Two-tim— Mingyu, you—' That was the first time you raised your voice to him that you wanted to slap him hard. But you didn’t. 'Okay. Let's do this. Is it me or is it Wonwoo?' 'Mingyu, you're out of your mind!' you almost shrieked. 'I ask you one more time, is it me or is it Wonwoo?' 'I really can't do this. Fine if you really want to hear my answer. Sorry, Mingyu, good bye.' It hit him. 'Y/N! You didn't mean it, did you?' 'Sorry, Mingyu.. Wonwoo and I value our friendship in a way you will never understand. Wonwoo it is,’ you told him as you started to walk away. It hit him hard. He quickly reached your arms. The last thing he would want was regretting his decision and realizing how precious one is after losing her. 'Y/N! No, no, no. Forget what I asked. I can't lose you like this!' A heavy sigh escaped your mouth along with tears streaming down your cheek. 'Mingyu, I'm tired. I don't want to hurt you anymore. You're tired of that too, right?' you weakly said as you wiped your tears. With him not saying anything anymore, you left him without turning back.

Mingyu recalled one of the ugliest fight between you. It was painful to remember all the following parts when you gave up talking to him. When you chose Wonwoo over him. When you said you were tired of hurting him. When he just realized what he did wrong when you disappeared from his sight.

"If your business is done here, you should go home. Or are you going to ask why I'm here?" Wonwoo cooed.

Mingyu tried to ignore him. He turned to look at you, but you still looked unfazed, looking away as you crossed your arms. "I.. didn't know Wonwoo was here.."

A mocking chuckle escaped his mouth, scratching another wound to Mingyu's pride. "I am her best friend. I am here all the time. As a matter of fact, we were fucking. But you disturbed us."

To be honest, you were shocked to hear Wonwoo talking like that. On a normal daily basis, he was calm and speak nothing but good words. He never got himself involved in a cat fight. Except, when it comes to you, he will never hesitate to throw hands at anyone who dares messing up with you.

"No need to be surprised, right?" Wonwoo continued. "You said it yourself. You asked Y/N once, right? I guess you were very curious about whether she and I fuck each other. We do, Mingyu. We do."

You remained silent. Partially it was because you were taken aback at Wonwoo's odd behavior. He didn't usually get mad easily. You knew he would always take your side. But at the same time, maybe Wonwoo being like this would help to make Mingyu go away.

Mingyu was trembling on his spot. "Y/N, please say something," he weakly pleaded. At this moment he couldn't even tell if Wonwoo was just talking bullshit or it was actually the truth. Back in the days, when he confronted you about it, you immediately said no. For now he just wanted to believe what you said weeks ago.

Your mouth was sealed. Your eyes travel to take a glance at the tall guy just to flash him a dark, cold expression of yours before looking at the ground again.

“Y/N, please..” He was on the brink of crying.

You looked up and found his teary eyes. “You didn’t believe me when I said no. So what makes it different if you do  now? It won’t change anything anyways.”

"The real question is, Mingyu, what are you doing here?" Again, Wonwoo retorted, smirking, folding his arms on his chest. Surprisingly this gesture made him even more intimidating despite his slim figure. His victorious, confident smile definitely was what made him look superior. “Oh, right!” he continued, chuckling—mocking, “After a lot of things happened, I almost forget you’re still Y/N’s boyfriend. Or are you not anymore?”

You noticed how uncomfortable Mingyu was standing before you. At the same time, you were also reminded how he doubted your friendship with Wonwoo, how he always suspected you and Wonwoo, until he wrongfully accused you. Then you remembered what he said days ago, about him not saying anything about Wonwoo anymore. It turned out you still have a heart to not let Mingyu break down completely. The big, tall guy clearly had no idea what to do, or what to say. He was tense, nervous and restless, knowing that his presence unwanted. Even the habit of brushing his fringe back was only done once since he came; usually he did it thousands times and you used to mimic him on behalf of his friend, Seokmin.

You softly asked Wonwoo to go back to your kitchen to check on the scone you two made, and thankfully he obeyed you. Even when he left you, his victorious smrik wouldn't disappear as he kept eyeing the taller guy.

"Mingyu, it's not healthy for us—for you, to keep it this way," you uttered. "You should stop apologize too. It's already in the past. Even I won't bring it up again. You will be forgiven, I promise, but not now. For now, I think it’s best for us to go on our own."

"Please, give us another chance," he sobbed, his voice cracking.

You heard Wonwoo calling your name, followed by an unclear mumbles. But you sure did hear that your scone was failing.

"Mingyu, I'm sorry but I'm running late for Wonwoo's mom's birthday dinner." You looked concerned, but definitely not apologetic.

All energy in Mingyu's legs felt like vanishing totally. His stomach was filled by lots of emotion—mostly anger to himself, that he felt sick. He wasn't sure if he could support himself to stand straight and walk properly. Why did he even pick up a fight with you and vomit hurtful words, that you can't bear with him anymore?

"You see, there are some of your stuff here, and I should give it back to you but it's a mess right now. I'll have your stuff delivered to your house tomorrow."

Eventually Mingyu went down on his knees, still crying.

Wonwoo just shouted your name again. "Coming!" you exclaimed.

“What are those?” he asked between his sniffles, rather in horror as he noticed a box filled with various things. What he saw there shook him even more. 

Confused why he suddenly talked about anything else, you looked at the box as if it was nothing. The only thing visible to your eyes was an old scarf that Wonwoo unintentionally burned one day. So you assumed it was just a pile of useless stuff he found in your house. “I don’t know. Wonwoo has been decluttering the whole day. I think he’s going to throw them away.”

Mingyu’s heart sank again. How can you not see what was in that box? A snow globe he got for you when he traveled to Japan. A couple bracelet that he made it himself. Mini photo frames that had him and you in the pictures, smiling so happily. There were still other small stuff that he noticed which were gifts from him. And you said so easily that they were going to end in a dump.

"Mingyu, please?" Squatting down to be in the same eye level with him, finally you looked at him in the eyes, hoping that he would get it that him leaving was one thing you were expecting at the moment. "If there is any other way, I would look for it. But if it means I have to cut Wonwoo off, I can't. I hope I have made myself clear, Mingyu."

"There must be some other way and you don’t have to cut Wonwoo off. Let's look for it, together. Please?"

Shoulders shrugging and head tilting slowly at your side, you looked unsure with your brows furrowed. "I don't think so, Mingyu," you said, shaking your head. "You said it yourself, that we were a mistake."

"That— I don't mean—"

"Mingyu, you should never repeat the same mistake. You don’t want to get hurt for the second time."

[danganronpedits-archived]

Hello! Could I please have a kin matchup with characters from DR1, SDR2, DRV3 and BNHA? Thank you! I am a very mixed person. When I'm out talking to people in public it's very obvious that I have nothing to say and that I don't want to be there. I'm a complete hopeless romantic and can catch romantic feelings quite easily. I'm a lot more talkative when I talk to people online and I always laugh at the dumbest things. I love the color pink and lovecore in general. I'm also quite insecure- haha

you can absolutely have a matchup!! hehe,, you sound really neat, i’d like to talk with you myself anon... only if you’re okay with that of course!! your kin matchup can be found under the cut, thank you for requesting!! i’m sorry that it took a bit for me to write this one,,

oh, also... i want to clarify something before we start. i was originally going to make peko pekoyama your second dr kin assignment, and i still agree with that. it’s just that writing out the explanation was rather energy sapping,,, it’s not your fault at all, but i hope you understand!!! i can definitely add it on if you’d like though, anon!

-mod tsu (mikan shift)

first off, from danganronpa: goodbye despair, i match you with...

hajime hinata!

this matchup contains spoilers for super danganronpa 2! please proceed with caution, if it’s not too much trouble! i was kind of torn between him and himiko, actually...! but i think you’re a bit closer to hajime! i think that hajime is... very mixed. there are times when he can come off as cynical or even cold, and times when he’s very genuine and determined. these sides of him don’t clash together, but rather make up him as a whole... and i think you’re a little similar, anon! maybe you have traits that don’t really seem like they fit together... but you make them work! i think that unless hajime is close to others, he can struggle to fit into the conversation at times. this is especially clear at the beginning of sdr2, when everyone is just relaxing on the beach, not really seeing them randomly being there as a big deal- but hajime is more hesitant and concerned about their circumstances... plus, this is especially clear in despair arc around the ultimates. he’s very much taken aback by the main course students as well as staff, and... during those scenes it doesn’t exactly seem like he dislikes the interaction. however, it does seem like he’s uncomfortable,, maybe you can relate to that haha. you also seem a little serious, anon! not to assume that you don’t have a sense of humour... but there may be times when you take a joke too seriously. um, if that’s true,, there’s no shame in that haha.. in general... your typing just had a really similar vibe to him, though it may be closer with the hajime at the end of sdr2! i know that’s a bit of a weird, intuition-based point, but... the two of you seem a little awkward, but you have good intentions and it seems like both of you are... rather motivated people. at least, when it comes to the things you really want,, i admire that !! in hajime’s specific case, you may feel a little jealous of people who can do things outside of your comfort zone really easily,, for example i don’t think hajime is very insecure in his ability to study- but people like peko or fuyuhiko, who have talents that are rather niche, i think he would kind of be in awe of how... not normal they are. and you just kind of... strike me in a similar way! sorry if this doesn’t make much sense haha.

while we’re not super sure on how much hajime gets crushes on other people... we can speculate in a way? other characters like monokuma and nagito have compared him to a tsundere, and he’s specifically said to be romantically inexperienced. i don’t think this inherently means he doesn’t have crushes on other people,, it’s implied that he’s interested in chiaki, as well as komahina being... um, a popular ship. a lot of hajime’s feelings about the sdr2 cast are left up to interpretation, and he can technically have feelings for all of them in the bonus mode. at least, that’s how i interpret it,, point is i think that he can have many crushes.. depending on how you see him, haha. sorry that it’s not too conclusive but, in general, i think that while he may be a little uncomfortable with it, hajime may also be a sort of ‘hopeless romantic’ in that... if he sees it as being the best for his friends, he’d also be willing to play a matchmaker !! i think that hajime, without the border of being face-to-face, would be a lot more willing to talk online. in a chatroom, i think he would be more prone to rambling on about something. hehe.. i kind of see him as someone who can accidentally send essays when he texts. i’m just guessing.. but maybe you do that too. hehe, it’s um... maybe a little too literal of me, but i think hajime does laugh at... absurd situations. it’s nice how in a lighter conversation with fuyuhiko, the two are able to just... laugh and have a good time together. i bring this up because... it’s because those smiles are from fuyuhiko suggesting that hajime’s the ultimate counselor. i like their banter a lot, and maybe there are silly inside jokes like this between you and your friends too !! um, lastly.. while i don’t know exactly what your insecurities are, i think that hajime is rather insecure..! he’s visibly upset about the fact that he doesn’t have a talent, and i’d say his seriousness partially comes from this. he does strongly dream of talent, and he puts a strong emphasis on being busy and studying ingame- i’d say that this can make up his seriousness in a way? like, he takes things very seriously in order to learn from them the most. ah, but back to insecurities!! hajime does see himself as inferior to main course students like chiaki and even chisa,, and whenever other people point out his talentless-ness, it is a very sore spot for him. he gets somewhat defensive, and mostly doesn’t know how to react... you may kind of short-circuit like this too, whenever someone hits a sore spot for you..!

and lastly, from boku no hero academia, i match you with...

mashirao ojiro!

okay, so...! i realise that he’s kind of a minor character, so we don’t know much about him. however, from what we do know, i think he suits you well! like always, you had a similar kind of vibe to him in your ask. he would definitely be the type to use proper grammar in my eyes... and the two of you just have similar word choice imo!! second off, mashirao is kind of... mixed or in the middle, in terms of personality. he seems to get along with denki, a guy who’s definitely up there in eccentricity. maybe your friend group is rather versatile... like hajime, the two seem to be able to get along with many kinds of people. more specifically, they’re able to handle the oddities and ‘quirks’(haha. funny bnha joke) of their other classmates/friends. ah, but that’s off topic! so sorry .. i think that mashirao does kind of struggle in conversation, as he tends to not really like the spotlight, and other students describe him as sheepish or bashful. i think that despite his calm demeanor, he would shy away from conversations, especially ones where he has to play a large part- and i think that’s the most important part of him not really ‘liking’ to have in-person talks with other people. the two of you may be able to hold up something one-on-one, with one of your friends... but with a group of people, you’d just blend into the background. maybe that ‘mixed’-ness can make you feel like you don’t have much to say, too... i don’t think he really tries to hide this/can hide this either, like you. i think that the two of you are generally friendly and trustworthy, and maybe you both have plenty of loose acquaintances, the way that mashirao is on generally good terms with all of his classmates. i think that it’s easy for people to have a high view of you, but maybe not know you too closely or deeply. you seem generally nice!!!

...please excuse this second half being really short. like hajime, we don’t really know his status on crushes,, but i honestly headcanon him as bi due to him having... ‘softer’ friendships with other people, if that makes sense? not that that inherently means attraction... i just think that he could be very interested in and enjoy other people, leading to crushing of varying intensity. he kind of has a pink... vibe to him if that makes sense? ghgghgh we’re not sure about what colours he likes, but he seems to have a lot of lighter ones in his overall design and outfits... maybe a baby pink would fall under that! i think he would also be a lot more talkative online. um, my explanation for this is very similar to hajime’s. he may not feel such a strong need to be polite or accommodating through a screen! though i think he still would be out of respect. mashirao also seems like the type to find the more strange antics of his classmates funny... once again, he seems rather close to denki, and is described as a “straight man”(like, composed or deadpan in contrast to their more eccentric partner). maybe you’re also the type to go along, but have a more level head as things get ~weird~. lastly, like hajime, mashirao does seem rather insecure. he doesn’t really get why he got into UA with a quirk “like his”. he’s rather humble and doesn’t like to accept results he feels like he doesn’t deserve. in fact, he even dropped out of the sports festival because he felt as though he didn’t properly earn his placement in it. maybe you’d be more or less active in voicing this than he is, but the two of you generally have underestimating your own abilities in common. at least, that’s what i gathered, haha.

-

you all know what time it is, hehe... from dr, you also remind me very strongly of peko pekoyama, and somewhat of mukuro ikusaba, himiko yumeno, mahiru koizumi, toko fukawa, and kazuichi souda. from bnha you also remind me somewhat strongly of fumikage tokoyami, ibara shiozaki, and kyoka jirou, as well as lightly of toru hagakure and shoto todoroki !!

i hope this helped you out anon!! thank you again for requesting,, if you need anything about this changed or edited please let me know!! i’m happy to edit this, it’s not a bother at all... getting requests kind of makes my day, hehe..

[mysticalmusicwhispers]

APH England Headcanon: On Top of the World

Hey look another song headcanon. Idk why I get so much inspiration from songs but here it is. Long, Long, Long, Long, Long Post Warning (I went into detail here so... you’re warned)

Basically a look at this song (On Top of the World by Greek Fire, not Imagine Dragons, one of my favorites, please listen) through England’s eyes, because I think it really fits him, mostly discussing his imperial times (colonies, America, all that fun stuff):

Ok so: Imperial England, in my headcanon, is a Sly Old Bastard exactly the way China is/was at his height. And this post is going to be focusing on England’s sly, cunning nature and weaknesses (?) he might have felt at the height of the British Empire. Most of the song is reminiscing (“I remember”...), so it could also be when England’s empire has crumbled and he’s wondering how it all went down.

Anyway, first couple lyrics are just “on top of the world/on top of it all/trying to feel invincible”, the refrain that goes on throughout the song. I guess it just kinda sets the scene, I think as his empire got larger and larger, and as England got more and more colonies, he would become somewhat aware that all the things he’d been building, the states/lands he’d been conquering, would crumble one day, and then his empire would be no more (trying to feel invincible).

Slight Digression: Britain was a Roman province, however the whole of the British Isles were never quite subdued by military conquests, and I think England would have existed at the time and would be resisting the Romans with his mother Britannia (even though I think Scotland was the one left unconquered, although they were defeated in battle lots of times, England would not have willingly surrendered either). Therefore, he would also witness the fall of Rome, and carry with him the knowledge that all empires fall, no matter how great they are or how much land they have. So this would also factor into his state of mind of inevitability I guess (I was thinking of insecureness but that’s not fitting, England is too egotistical to be insecure imo) that his empire will end one day, and the least he can do is to enjoy (?) or pay attention to how it feels to rule while it lasts

Ok anyway: “I remember the nights/Caught up in dreaming my goodbyes/Watching the door for anything more than an ordinary life"

I have no explanation, maybe this was when he was first starting out as a country or when he was starting to grow his empire, when things used to be ordinary for him maybe? Idk what it means about dreaming goodbyes but rationale is: he somehow has a premonition that his empire will die someday? Actually wait, even better is that he’s saying goodbye to Britannia, who is dying, and perhaps deciding to build something great in her legacy? As a tribute (and also maybe a fuck you to Rome) to her, he wants her legacy to be “my son(s) did something great” rather than to be a forgotten woman to history. I interpret the next line as England perhaps being excited about the prospect of his growing empire, excited about leading, conquering. I think during imperial times he had the same god-complex America does; the US often markets itself as “doing good” for the world (eg. Ridding Communist Scum !!!) which, although it may actually be disastrous, is usually seen as “right” in some way (I have major issues w/ US politics as you can see but let’s not talk about that). So the wishing for a better, more exciting life might just be his wish to “make the world more civilized, more British, more gentlemanly” etc.

Next: “I remember the days/New beginnings on an open page/With something to prove/ And nothing to lose, not a soul to betray”

I think this could be about his relationship with young America as the 13 colonies, before the American Revolution. I believe (correct me if wrong) most of the Age of Imperialism, when England, France, Germany etc. started scrambling for land was in the 1800s, and so I think America was like England’s test run colony, and therefore the first person he really had to “care for” as a brother and a child. He didn’t have anything to lose with America, all he could do is build a relationship with this small country and open his heart to friendship and love from America. I don’t think England was as uptight about stuff then and America was his test run, his “new beginning” if he messed stuff up at home (idk if he really did though). He didn’t have any “history” or previous relationship with America before they became like a father/son duo, so he didn’t have to worry about damaging a previous friendship with him (”nothing to lose” by getting to know him).

Side note: I think America’s independence sort of broke England, and I definitely agree with @hongkongenthusiast ‘s hc that England distanced himself from his other colonies because he didn’t want what happened with America to happen again.

Next: “Here I am/Living a dream that I can’t hold/Here I am/On my own”

So this just kinda speaks to England’s loneliness ig. He’s literally living the dream: power, colonies, wealth, everything, but he still has the premonition/wisdom (?) to see that it won’t last (“...that I can’t hold”). He won’t be king of the world forever. He’s also up on a pedestal. I think after the Age of Imperialism England owned the most colonies (I think France is a close second), and like America with his modern-day “police of the world” status, I think lots of people knew about and admired/were jealous of England’s power (maybe they didn’t “look up” to him, but I think they certainly wanted his power for themselves), and being without an equal can make it feel pretty lonely at the top of the food chain.

Next part is the refrain, the new lyrics after that are: “I remember the lies/Caught up in building paradise/The angels were slaves and demons behaved/And everything was alright”

This could represent the propaganda England fed to his people at home to make them support colonization. I don’t think it would’ve taken much convincing, because of the “white men superiority” idea that were colonizers’ way of justifying colonialism and imperialism (actually called White Man’s Burden). However, even though that idea was prevalent, there are still historical propaganda pieces that glorify colonization; one example is called “ABC for Baby Patriots” (full text in link). It basically convinces people colonizing is good for the mother country, and I’d like to think England also told his people that to make them support it (“I remember the lies”). I don’t know how physically old England the character would be, but if he was still young and maybe not as cynical (unlikely but still possible), he could tell these “lies” to himself as well to justify his actions. I mentioned earlier about him wanting to make a better world by introducing British ways to his colonies, and maybe that was the version of “paradise” he envisioned. The last two lines strike me as a flip-flopped world where the bad are free and the good are punished, so maybe idk that was the actual situation, where England’s colonies were suffering instead of being helped, like he thought? Anyway this is getting into kinda political ugly history so...

Next! “I hear the crowds beneath me/I'm wishing they could reach me/But I'm on top of the world/Up here I'm dying alone”

Not really any analysis here, just another example of England being lonely ig as the leader of the imperial world. I feel like this part can be summed up in a more positive light by this

Next: “Inside the walls of gold/Outside of happiness/(It's all been a show, too late to confess)/No room for heart and soul/No room for innocence/Innocence”

To me, this is England reminiscing when he still had compassion and when he was young. I feel like nations, like humans, get more cynical as they age; they stop seeing good in the world and start just seeing people as things they can manipulate, pawns on a chessboard who can achieve their own interest. In the context of England’s imperialism, this is basically him thinking back and thinking what have I done. Maybe he finally acknowledged negative impacts of his colonization, and wishes he could go back to the days where he was just a small nation, minding his own people, instead of forging an empire that stretched across continents. I guess the whole imperial episode is: “I thought this was a good idea, I thought it would bring me happiness and glory, I thought I could make the world better, but instead, it only showed me the worst in people, and the worst in me”. Idk, I still don’t know if imperial England deserves compassion (Aftereffects of colonization are still being felt today, eg. when original India was split by Britain into India and Pakistan. Britain never clearly specified the India-Pakistan border, and that led to a whole lot of wars and shit and people are still fucking tense about this to this day) But I guess this song and my consequential thinking about it gives him a bit of humanity in spite of his Sly Old Man status?

Ok that’s it! You’ve made it to the end of this long-ass post! I’m so conflicted about England’s character now! I’ve literally disliked him so much ever since I joined the fandom (I also don’t really like FACE fam in general) but bruh my head just warps canon so it’s more palatable for me I guess hhhh. What do y’all think? Feedback Appreciated!

[terriblyspecificreviews-blog]

Poppy’s Am I A Girl raises more questions than it answers

6 out of 10 stars

Poppy's sophomore October 31st Halloween album release Am I a Girl has been described as "The Most Bewildering Album of Year", "Cold, technical and eerie.", "Spooky Robo-Bubblegum pop",  and "a celebration of all that is capitalist alienation, commodity fetishization, and environmental destruction". This is typical of what you would expect from the "Robot, Satanist, Illuminati Prom Queen" who become a internet meme sensation in 2015 when her disturbing David Lynch inspired Youtube videos went viral, receiving hundreds of millions of views (404,054,129 total views at the time of writing) and thousands of comments providing theories, and conspiracy theories as to what does it all mean.

Context

The first of these videos have seemingly innocuous, mundane and meaningless subject matters; eating candy floss, boredom, having her nails painted, spinning around while holding an umbrella, and a cover of Mac Demarco's My Kind of Woman. There's always an empty pastel coloured background to remove any sense of environmental context with Poppy being the centre focus in the style of Andy Warhol’s screen tests. There's a soft spoken ASMR style quality to the sound production which creates a sense of intimacy with the viewer, as if you the viewer were privy to personal intimate moment; one of the many subtle jarring unsettling aspects to the videos, together with the dissonant ambient soundtracks and Poppy's increasingly robot like delivery as the project developed over time. In this now infamous video Poppy repeats “I'm Poppy” for ten minutes. Poppy and her creative partner Titanic Sinclair (also a pseudonym) have stated there is a storyline to all of these videos, although I'm unsure as to whether this is a put on or sincere, because if there is a story its unclear and ambiguous enough to be open to interpretation, so I'll leave it to the reader to make your mind up as to what that might be. Over time there seems to have been story development however, with recurring characters appearing such as jealous robot plastic doll Charlotte, who released cover album of Poppy track takes, and Plant, who wishes you would stop killing plants; a subtle reference to the issue of climate change juxtaposed with the mundane sentiments of the video subject matters.

In a video review for the Poppy project as a whole, New York Magazines’ Jerry Saltz describes Poppy as “Very derivative art, it looks like a lot of very recent contemporary art about art about art that makes fun of art.” He goes on to link her to contemporary artist Jeff Koons, who through for example his metallic shiny balloon like sculptures reflects the viewer back at themselves. Interestingly Koons has being criticised for producing empty vacuous and meaningless art produced cynically for profit, yet this is one possible interpretation of his work; that he is reflecting the empty vacuous profit driven contemporary art world back at itself in a form of a self referential parody. You can also see this at play in Poppy's work. The video topics on her channel and on producer's Titanic Sinclairs channel are mirroring aspects of popular internet culture back at the viewers, but in a way that seems off and satirical, and yet things are kept ambiguous enough to be indistinguishable from what one might perceive as the “real” thing. It could be that this is a cynical attempt at making money, but this could be seen as a reflection of internet clickbait culture in simply producing content that reach the biggest and most general market possible, which is a pertinent point to make; how many of our present political predicaments are the result of online media outlets sensationalising news for clicks? There are also comparisons to be made with London based electronic music genre PC MUSIC in terms of the themes of Hyperreality and the visual aesthetics, and for example in this video and this video Poppy advertises fictional products, perhaps a nod too PC Music's QT and her energy drink. Poppy perhaps takes this all a step further in starting a new religion for profit with her Poppy.Church and The Gospel of Poppy. Again the lines between satire and reality have been blurred here, but this again could be a satirical commentary on the cult echo chamber like nature of online communities.

Poppy's forray into the music industry was likely always the intention given Titanic Sinclair's history with Mars Argo as a music based project. Her ambient album 3:36 (Music to Sleep to) is a reference to the cryptic video of the same name, and perhaps a reflection of Youtube's countless “ambient music for sleep” playlists. Her music is an extension of the narrative presented in the videos. Her song Adored typifies her bubblegum Electro J-pop inspired sound. 

The message of the video and the lyrics go together. For the whole duration of the video Poppy is just staring down her phone; Looking for “This life I keep hearing about... I wanna be adored I want nothing more”. Is this a cynical reference to people who look to social media for validation and live vicariously through their online personas, or is it a literal reflection of the viewer who also found and watched the video through their phone or laptop screen? Poppy's 2017 debut album Poppy.Computer also explored the hyperreality themes of the blurring lines between “online” “technology” and “real life”. The song Computer Boy is a surrealist love song written about her boyfriend, who also happens to be her laptop computer. In I'm Poppy she asks the listener to “Let me be your queen... Please electrify me, Power my Battery” building on the cult and technology themes, and on INTERWEB she has caught us in her internet.

Album Review

This is an album review, however as Poppy is an internet focused visual art project as well as musical artist the visual experience is as part of the intended delivery as the music itself, so I will include synopsis of the music videos on the necessary tracks. The first single and album opener on Am I A Girl is In A minute. A thumping electro chant similar to the Poppy.Computer opener 'I'm Poppy' presenting a smooth transition in the production aesthetic between the releases, however there is already a darker, melancholic tone to the music suggesting a departure from the happy go lucky parodic sentiment of the previous release and an evolution occurring in this offering into more overtly serious and mature subject matters. “I'll make up my face in a minute.. I'll reform this state in a minute.. Cash my check, got paid, yeah, I did it..I haven't done my nails in a minute" is the repeated mantra, on one level a nod to her previous success and rise to star-dome, on another level she is as always offering a cynical reflection of the values of 'American' or 'Western' (arguably global at this point, but for simplicities sake) Society; she has had time to cash her cheque and congratulate herself, but she relegates 'reforming the state' (please remember the cult forming, I'll be your queen, and 'fake it till you make it' sentiments expressed throughout her work) to the same importance as doing her nails or make-up. The video is a black white and red lyric video with a distorted image of Poppy singing,minimalist like Poppy's earlier videos but seemingly a move to a darker aesthetic compared to the typical bright and pastel music videos of previous years. This is also reflected in recent black and white photographs, and her collaborations and hanging out with the likes of Marilyn Manson and Korn's Jonathan Davis.  

Second album track and third single Fashion After All is another stompy pop track, less in the vain of her staple J-pop / K-pop sound but on a production note similar to the works of Lady Gaga and Jeffrey Star. Lyrically Poppy is just bragging, something very prevalent in today's top 40 pop appropriated from the braggadocio of hip hop, so this is likely a take on that, although the line “I'm revolutionary, relatable and scary, I'm making plans to save the world and I don't need your help” does make me wonder how much of it is a genuinely honest sentiment and we're seeing some hint of intention or climax to the Poppy project.

The next track Iconic is about self confidence, and how easy it is to be 'iconic'. I hear more Lady Gaga style influence here. “You don't have to be flawless, put on a little polish, run the bedroom to the office, you gotta be iconic, in school, they never taught it, don't worry, babe, I got you, and if you really, really want it, you gotta be iconic”. There's a serious point here that the only thing that makes 'celebrities' different from 'non celebrities' is a veneer of confidence and their crafted public perception. This is a genuinely important message when it has been revealed social media is deliberately engineered to fuel insecurity and anxiety, with some social media companies running non consensual psychological experiments on their customers to make them depressed in an age of record teenage suicides and mental health problems. The key words here are “if you really, really want it” there's not much to it, it's just an image; a presentation. This is also a very interesting message when you consider the Poppy starting a religion/cult aspect.This could be taken as a positive message in the sea of apparent cynicism that is the Poppy project, and likewise the song's tone has a very upbeat and positive feel in the context of a slightly darker and more mature album.

The albums second single is Time Is Up, and this certainly takes it to this darker place, musically and with it's apocalyptic subject matter. Probably the catchiest track on the album and probably the most important. Poppy sings from the point of view of an AI robot waking up in a factory, there is a link here to the theme of blurring lines between reality and the internet as Poppy is seen in her videos to become more robot like over time. There's some humour in this opening, which offsets the rest of the songs lyrics in which Poppy's AI character informs us all that while she won't need “air to breathe when you kill the bees And every river bed is dry as a bone.. when the plants have died and the atmosphere is just a big hole”, our time is up; meaning our (humans) self made extinction. She proceeds to inform us we are like cockroaches and extermination is our only hope. The humour here makes it such a hard hitting point. As Contrapoints brilliantly explains and dissects in this video far more succinctly then I have space for here, a lot of Americans have a problem accepting man made climate change despite the overwhelming evidence of it's reality and the absolute necessity of action against it at this point in time. The President is a climate change denier as is his elected head of the Environmental Protection Agency is too, and arguably this is the most pressing issue of our time, so it's perhaps unsurprising Poppy and co chose to deviate from their usual ambiguity and be so overt here. Purely from a pragmatic point of view humour can make things easier for people to accept and so I commend Poppy and her team for pulling this off so well. 

The title track Am I A Girl treads the waters of ambiguity once again however. Taken literally at face value the lyrics are about moving beyond the gender binary, “Am I a girl? Am I a boy? What does that even mean? I'm somewhere in between”. The lyrics seem overly simplistic and lacking in depth and nuance however. As this Vulture article points out, this is an artist who has used lyrics like “Boys aren't even boys anymore” and “You are never in the mood / So come on baby, tell me, are you gay?” in the past. Poppy when asked when she took interest in questioning societies gender constructs replies “When other celebrities started exploring it”, while this could be interpreted at simple sarcasm it does not translate well, and so I think the Vulture writer has good reason to take offence here, this can be interpreted as making light of a very serious issue for the sake of a joke that doesn't even clearly make sense. While I would also like to give the benefit of the doubt here, it's hard to find a practical way in which celebrities drawing attention to LGBTQ+ issues could be taken as something that should be attacked. This is disappointing as it undermines a positive and liberating message for the sake of a cheap shot at celebrity culture. That said, in Time Is Up Poppy said we all deserved to be exterminated, so maybe I'm missing something.

Play Destroy drew some significant hype for the album owing to it's featuring and co-production with electronic artist Grimes, though the process did not go smoothly. There's a significant shift in the sound aesthetic here, continuing on from the track Hard Feeling's introduction of metal guitar riffs, juxtaposed with the J-pop inspired bubblegum pop aesthetic. As catchy as the song is, I can't shake the feeling that their call to “Burn down the local Wal-Mart Monsanto, Raytheon” isn't entirely a sincere anti-corporation sentiment given the once again one dimensional approach to the lyrics and the fact Grimes's partner at the time was Elon Musk. Still musically this is an album highlight for me with it's blurring of genre's and particularly glossy vocal production.

The album finale X takes this genre blurring to an extreme with it's sugary reverb soaked calls to save the world and “empty every bullet out of every gun”, and the screaming metal sections and ridiculous chorus of “Please get me bloody”. The choice to release this as a video with equally juxtaposing imagery to match the music and the overall album theme of a darkening of imagery from the previous album/photos/imagery to this one, and the choice to end the album on this note offers a suggestion of where the Poppy project is going next. I will be keeping track of it as it unfolds, because the deeper I search for meaning here the more unsure I become as to what the intention behind it all really is, and perhaps as New York Magazines’ Jerry Saltz suggested they don't really know what it means or what the purpose is. What happens next will set the context for this one, given the attempts to construct a narrative on this album and in recent Poppy videos, we still don't know what this is and the celebrity LGBTQ+ comment sets a worrying precedent even if it was an ill informed attempt at sarcasm.

I believe that some clarity is needed at some point in the near future, you can only be so vague and tell the same cryptic joke repeatedly before it becomes meaningless nonsense. For the time being I give the album a 6 out of 10 score for it’s well written, glossy, genre bending and frankly fun pop, but I think time will tell how well the album and the project to which it belongs ages.

[wilshipley]

The Bachelor, Season 22, Episode 4

Exterior: Hummingbird. D’AWWWW I love humbirbs.

Bekah is seen jumping into a pool. Meanwhile (supposedly meanwhile) the women inside are talking about how young Bekah is. 14 years apart! I have no leg to stand on here so let’s all just pretend it’s totally normal to date people of any age, ok? *wipes brow*

One of the women says “everyone is realizing how real it is,” so update your bingo cards. “I feel like the stakes are higher,” someone says and I’ve already got B and G and it’s been two minutes.

Chris slobs in. “It’s hard to believe there’s only 15 of you left.” First off, “there are only 15 of you,” not “is,” and second, it’s not that hard to believe one guy is dating ONLY 15 women. What’s hard to believe is 15 women actually like this schmuck. Chris tells the women they’re all going to Tahoe, so we finally start the travel-porn part of this show (as opposed to the porn-porn part, which is the entire rest of it).

Ari is already in Tahoe, staring meaningfully over vistas. He spouts some lines for the Tahoe tourism board. “I love things like hiking, being outside, and to share that with the girls is going to be so much fun,” he says, demonstrating a bad parallel.

The women are checking out the lodge, it’s rustic AF. It looks like Gaston did all of their DEC-or-ating. Krystal exclaims “We’re in Tahoe!” and she certainly puts da ho in Tahoe.

Date card! “Sienne, let’s let our love sore!” Assumedly he’s going to give her herpes.

Ok, they probably spelled it “soar,” but I need this.

Ari addresses the women and tells them in the most boring way they are in Tahoe and will be doing dates in Tahoe. Surprise!

One of the women voiceovers that she was astounded that early on one of the many Laurens “went on a date and didn’t come back, and none of us saw that coming!” Yah, on a dating show it’s a huge shock any time someone gets eliminated even though that literally happens several times every…single…episode.

Kwazy Krystal with her shark-face confessionals that Sienne will probably be going home and that makes her happy because then she can be with Ari and Ari will take care of her and never leave her not like everyone else always has Ari is different if anyone gets between her and Ari she will kill them it’s only right she has a gun back in her room. Ok some percentage of that I made up but, you know, the spirit of it is true.

—

The women are spying on Ari’s parasailing date with Sienne. Chelsea (semi-crazy one) confessionals, “It might start getting to me if if these days go by longer without time with Ari.” That English not is.

“Parasailing is about letting go and where the wind takes you,” says Sienne, and I just wanted to write that down because I feel obligated every time the producers feed them a COMPLETELY OBVIOUS simile. She doesn’t even leave it at that, she explains to the camera that it’s similar to dating. See: a simile. “I really like Ari. I can’t use the L word yet but I really like him.” Lunkhead? Lickspittle? Loser?

I’d like to point out my hair isn’t as gray as Ari’s and I’m way older. Also I’m not a total idiot, if we’re keeping score. I’m just typing random crap here because Ari is talking to Sienne on a beach and he’s so boring I just can’t stand it. Sienne also seems way too sane and low-maintenance for Ari.

Kissing starts. It seems less slurpy than with the crazier gals and/or Bekah. Not a good sign.

MEANWHILE, Maquel is calling her mom back at the lodge. She gets the news her grandfather died and we watch her cry on camera. WTF, producers. This is your idea of entertainment? Watching people find out their relatives are dead? What the actual hell is wrong with you?

—

INTERIOR, LODGE: Date card!

Oh my gosh it’s our old friend End Table here to deliver the date card! What a surprise! I haven’t seen you in forever, End Table!

Chelsea Krystal Me Marikh Jacqueline Kendall Lauren Brittney Caroline other women I probably missed. So Bekah gets the one-on-one, and she celebrates.

Krystal confessionals some catty stuff about Bekah being young because yah dudes HATE that ugh icky.

Ari takes Sienne to a Hard Rock Cafe for dinner because he’s as classy as a Trans-am up on blocks. Also as smart as one.

Sienne asks him why he hasn’t fallen in love in five years. Much to her credit she doesn’t say, “Gosh you seem like a pretty broken pretend-man.” She’s talking openly about how growing up dark-skinned made her cynical about finding love because no women in love stories look like her, which is actually pretty interesting. It’s strange to get woke from The Bachelor but you know take it where you can get it, I say.

Ari pulls out the date rose and gives it to Sienne 🌹.

Ari tells her he has one more thing for her and I’m sure hoping it’s a non-famous crappy singer.

SCORE! It’s “Lanco!” Yes, seriously. I dunno if that’s a dude’s name or the band. Lanco is singing that kind of country music where half of the performance is the crazy twangy accent he’s putting on. Like, I think he’s singing, “Killed me up some possums, cooked ‘em up next to the still, took my truck to the levy and put my blue jeans on while swinging on the front porch..”

—

Krystal confessionals AGAIN more catty stuff about the other women on today’s group date. Man the camera loves Krystal...........’s horribleness.

Kendall is talking about herself in third person and why a date in the woods is her thing, because she’s quirky AF. They enter a clearing with a grey-haired ex-green-beret survivalist and his wife. “Together we’ve been married 13 years,” he says, so I guess they’ve been married 6½ years apiece? “The stuff you learn here is the stuff you’ll need to survive in a relationship,” he says, skipping the simile entirely this time. I’m not so certain that’s true, unless drinking pee is vital in any relationship? (Pretty sure that’s just Trump.)

The green beret says the first thing they’re going to recycle their urine. He gives everyone a thermos to pee in. Ari drinks his first, but quickly spits it out. One of the women clearly thinks “all well what the heck” and starts to drink hers and Ari is all “WAIT WAIT! It was just apple juice!”

Ok, what the actual fuck, here. First off, making a bunch of women pee into thermoses is pretty disgusting to start with. I mean, for a guy, we can just stick our doodle in there, but for the women they had to, like, do it blind. I’m imagining it wasn’t a totally sanitary thing. Also it’s just gross to ask people to pee on a date. This is something that a 10-year-old would think is...OOOOH wait it’s Ari now I get it.

Now the wife digs up some worms and Ari and a few of the women eat them and more complain they don’t want to. The couple finds other disgusting things to eat and Kendall is totally down. She seems fun. Ari and Kendall start slurpy kissing and I wonder if they can taste each other’s maggots.

Now the survivalist gives the women packs and maps and tells them to find their way through the woods in teams. Ari’s on one team and the other teams are lost. I guess they needed a MAN. Oh surprise there’s a giant hot tub at the end and the girls strip into bikinis.

They’re giving Krystal SO MUCH CAMERA TIME. (This will make the murder trial easier, sure.) More Krystal. Seriously, it goes on and on. She’s making fun of the women for seeking Ari’s attention, with absolutely no sense of irony.

—

NIGHT, LODGE: The date continues.

More Krystal confessionals AGAIN about how she’s so exhausted watching the women try to get Ari’s attention. I cannot stand any more Krystal. Please, no. I wish I could skip but, again, Hulu’s controls are messed up so a one-pixel click is a minute.

Ari first “alone time” of the evening is with someone I swear I’ve never seen before. I missed her name but let’s call her Lauren because it’s a safe bet. She actually says, “I really like that,” about something he says which leads me into this SNL sketch which is great but honestly kinda doesn’t have any jokes because all this stuff is in the actual show:

SNL “Car Man”

Ari actually said “I like that, I like that” in response to Lauren after I pasted that video which is hilarious. Also her name really was Lauren I seriously was guessing above.

Now Ari’s with Kendall the taxidermist / bug eater. Kendall says (of herself) “and your breath smell like bugs now,” so at least she’s self-aware. They talk about Kendall’s stuffed animals. Then she smooches a lot and she’s a damn fine smoocher. I think I now prefer her to Bekah.

JESUS CHRIST KRYSTAL confessional again. She can’t even speak. She just says the same five words. Juvenile state identity blah blah.

Now Chelsea is confessionalling that she thinks Krystal is being condescending and apparently all you have to do to get camera time is be totes crazy. We see other women talking about Ari and the consensus seems to be that Krystal is just being “competitive,” and it’s not fair because the rest of the women are there for Ari. This isn't quite saying “the right reasons” but it’s close enough to still mark your bingo card.

Krystal finally gets her time with Ari. Ugh I can’t stand the stupid way? She talks? Because like? It’s all upspeak? And baby talk?

Krystal tells Ari she feels there’s a target on her back because the other girls are so jealous of her. “I have...a mix? of emotionnnns?” Ari comforts her by telling her “You’re beautiful and we had an amazing first day and they can obviously see we have a connection [and that’s making the other women insecure].” Way to stoke those flames, Ari! You’ll get to testify at the trial for sure. Krystal starts crying ¡SURPRISE!

Krystal confessionals she’s “Above this...and beyond this.” She asks Caroline and Tia to talk with her in another room. Krystal Krystal Krystal all we see is Krystal it’s the all-Krystal show. Holy god this is getting old.

—

Krystal now tells the other two how much her widdle feewings were hurt by them mocking her smooching up to Ari in the hot tub, which, I mean, uh...how do you unpack that? They both tell her she can pound sand.

Tia gets her time with Ari and she also tells him she’s upset but she does a better job of not being super whiney and fake. Confessional: “He’s just a good dude. And that’s why I’m falling for him.” No, no he isn’t, and man you shouldn’t. He’s a bland dude and you’re projecting what you want onto his blank canvas.

Ari gives the date rose 🌹 to Tia for being “open and vulnerable.” Guess who the camera cuts to! No, go on, gu———KRYSTAL IT WAS KRYSTAL.

—

EXTERIOR, NATURE and shit: I don’t see the point of being someplace beautiful and cold because like if I’m in nature I wanna be in nature not in 27 layers of wool.

More boring confessionals. Guess who says, “I come across as flawless” and so she gets a target on her back? No, really, gue———YES KRYSTAL AGAIN.

MEANWHILE, the one-on-one date starts with Ari and Bekah. Ari confessionals that Bekah “really challenges me, and...I love that.” To be fair he’s also challenged by Highlights for Kids. Also he needs to stop saying “I love that.” Ari and Bekah exchange inanities.

MEANWHILE, back at the ranch, two women are talking about how young Bekah is, because the producers have to set up some conflict for this episode, so it might as well be Bekah’s age.

While I typed that they got in a hot tub and starting smooching. Ari tells the story of breaking his collarbone racing a truck. Here’s an idea: don’t race trucks, dummy. They’re slow and have a high center of gravity and are for hauling shit.

COMING UP: Bekah asks him if he knows how old she is, a clip we’ve seen like 80 times.

—

INTERIOR, LODGE: Women are talking about Bekah’s age again. Man they’re trying to milk this.

EXTERIOR, COLD-ASS COUNTRYSIDE: Ari walks Bekah to another lodge for dinner. Super-exciting. Apparently the Tahoe is 100% lodges and Hard Rock Cafes. Now they’re eating dinner. I wish they’d say anything interesting. “I wanna know everything about you,” Ari says, which is dangerously close to SNL’s “Tell me something about you.”

Ari: “I think the biggest thing I always think about, is, are you ready, would you be ready, if the time was right, and it was the right person?” He doesn’t say ready for what. Let’s just assume it’s butt stuff.

Ari tells her there were times in his life he wasn’t ready (for butt stuff). She asks “How did you know, in hindsight?” Hee hee I’m 12. But still more mature than Ari.

Ari tells her that he’s 36 and “things are slowing down for me.” Jesus man 36 isn’t old. Again, I’m older and I just took up saxophone and started bouldering.

Finally Bekah asks him the “do you know how old I am” question that we’ve been seeing. She tells him she’s 22. Ari covers his face. “Oh my grrrwaad,” he mumbles through his hand. Now they’re playing tension music. Oh as if.

—

Back to AGE-GATE 2018. Blah blah she’s young. Confessionals from both parties designed to build tension.

Bekah grabs his neck and tells him to “stop looking for assurance that you’re not going to get because you’re not going to get that in love.” Wow, she’s mature for her age. Which, I mean, isn’t so hard when you’re 22, but still.

Ari remembers being a dumbass at 22, and so he’s saying she must still be a dumbass. (To be fair he’s a dumbass at 36.) She asks him if she’s Ari. Good point! He explains she is not. Astute observation!

Ari: “Here’s the thing, it’s...you scare me.” The producers are playing the “she’s dumped” music but I still don’t believe it. He’s not THAT dumb.

She finally asks, “How about you, what are you feeling,” and he actually responds, “Let me do this with the rose in my hand,” because he’s the producers’ best friend in the world and a total lickspittle. Seriously, nothing says, “I’m serious about finding a real relationship” like insisting the you have to build tension for your invisible audience.

“I’m worried about us, you know” — I’m calling it right now he’s gonna give her the rose — blah blah blah I feel for you (he’s Chakah Khan now) “BUT, I really really feel connected to you, and you are incredible and surprising and so much of what I’m looking for [blah blah] so Bekah will you accept this rose?” 🌹

Wow, Ari really put her through the damn ringer there. What a gentleman he is, jerking her around like that for the camera. Bekah says, “Why don’t you dump me now and pick somebody else who you KNOW will...” oh man she’s got spirit.

—

EXTERIOR, HARD ROCK CAFE: Why do we keep coming back here? Is this really the center of culture in Bumfuck, Whereverthefuckweare?

Rose ceremony time: The women trot up to, like, a castle? A castle-lodge.

Confessionals from the women, where they’re wondering who will go home. Who? Who indeed!

Krystal says, “I feel like each rose ceremony has brought a little more pressure,” so mark your bingo cards one last time.

More Krystal. Krystal talks more. Krystal some more.

Chris walks in. He’s going to cancel the party, I’m guessing. “There won’t be a cocktail party tonight,” told you so. “Ari has made up his mind,” Jesus this show is so man-centric.

The women assemble to hear the boring child-man’s word, deciding their fate. Bet he cuts Marikh.

Ari says, “Let’s begin,” but then Krystal asks if she could have a quick moment with him, because Krystal Krystal, Krystal Krystal Krystal. It’s like we’re in Being Krystal McKrystalvich. The women are not super-happy about it. We see Krystal whispering to Ari. Krystal says, “I’m not here to play games,” so you get a bonus BINGO mark!

Lauren (which one?) 🌹 Kendall (taxidermy) 🌹 Ashley (very little makeup) 🌹 Becca K (uh) 🌹 Chelsea (semi-cray) 🌹 Jenna (who?) 🌹 Jacquline (JAY-kwellin) 🌹 Marikh! Yay, she’s so pretty. 🌹

Chris: “Ladies, Ari, final rose tonight.”

Krystal and some other gals are left.

Krystal 🌹

We lost Brittney T., the tech recruiter. We haven’t seen much of her. Caroline the realtor is also heartbroken.

The remaining women toast each other. Krystal gets the final confessional. Ugh.

[jimkirkachu]

well, I have successfully alienated at least two more people who used to be able to tolerate me (online, i.e. even the guarantee of never having to interact with me physically/in person is not enough for me to hold onto a friendship anymore)

if you haven't gotten sick of me yet, thank you 😓 but please also be advised that it's only a matter of time

[jimkirkachu]

It's only an academic worry, but

(stupid hypothetical anxieties)

If someone was ever actually interested in me (romantically), I have no idea what role I would be expected or allowed to play in a relationship. (I'm going to rely on a lot of bullshit gender stereotypes here so don't @ me I know they're bullshit) If they were male/masc, would they expect me to be more feminine, submissive, and/or gentle than I am? (Not to mention more attractive...) If they were female/femme, would they expect me to be more masculine, dominant, and/or aggressive than I am? If they were nb, would we each decide on a typical gender role to "play" and then.... swap back and forth in various situations?

What do binary-gendered people look for in a relationship with an nb partner? (What do nb people look for either, for that matter?)

Apparently the very little that I actually "know" about romance/dating/relationships is completely dependent upon binary gender roles. And the concept of either or both partners eliminating those roles makes me wonder—

What the hell could anyone ever possibly get from me that they couldn't get more or better of from someone else??

(To be fair... I worry about that whether gender is ever brought into the equation or not. 🤷)

There's literally no point in my thinking about any of this. There's no reason for it to keep me awake at night. And yet here we are. Not even sure if I want an answer. (Any realistic answer would probably just depress me further anyway, lol. Good thing only ~2 people will end up reading this) I suppose I just wanted to "send this cosmic question out into the void," you know the rest.