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buckysflannelpajamas · 3 years

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Bleeding Hearts

Summary: Being Tony Starks daughter has its pros and cons. One of the pros being you get to live with your best friends, the Avengers. One of the cons you will soon find out is having to deal with the one and only, James Buchanan Barnes...

Takes place during the imaginary time after Civil War where everyone love in the tower and goes through to Endgame.

TRIGGER WARNING: victim blaming (though he doesn’t mean it) and mention of attempted r*pe and past attempted s*icide

Beep

Ugh. What is that sound? It’s disturbing your sleep.

Slowly, you open your tired eyes to find yourself in a dull grey room. Your heartbeat starts to pick up when you realize this isn’t your room.

Where are you?

The sound of the beeping quickens as your eyes race around the room, trying to figure out where you are. Dull grey walls, uncomfortable bed, heart rate monitor, IV bag… you must be in a hospital.

Shit, what happened?

You can’t help but notice that the IV is connected to a needle in your vain. Your heart rate continues to rise. Fuck, you hate needles! You move your hand to pull it out, only to be stopped by a large hand gently grabbing yours.

“Woah, woah, woah. You're ok, just take it easy.” A cold hand presses your shoulder gently to get you to lay back down.

“Bucky?” You recognize the voice immediately. Why are you in a hospital and what is Bucky doing here? Just as the questions enter your mind, fuzzy memories of the night start to drift back.

Arthur, the car, Bucky, the ambulance.

Oh shit, what did you get yourself into.

“You’re in the hospital.” Bucky starts. “You, Uh, had a ruff night.” Seeing that you’ve calmed down, Bucky carefully takes his hands away.

You don’t say it, but deep down you don’t want him to take his hands away.

“I know, I remember… well, kind of.”

“That’s good. You must not have gotten too high a dose.”

“I’m so fucking stupid.” You groan to yourself.

“You got that fucking right.” Bucky agrees.

Wait… what? Wasn’t he being nice to you last night?

“Excuse me?” You question, unsure you heard him correctly.

Bucky takes a step back from you, starting to pace. “I mean, what were you thinking?! Leaving the compound unsupervised!”

“I took a few steps outside! I didn’t think it would be a big deal!” You defend. It was one thing if you were upset at yourself about what happened, but Bucky has no right to be.

“Well it was! You’re fucking lucky that it was just some scumbag actor that took you and and not a group like Hydra! Also, seriously? Hasn’t your father ever told you to not take your eyes off your drink?!” Bucky continues to rant. “Or maybe you thought it’d be fun to be rebellious and try whatever drug he offered you?”

Your mouth hangs open in shock. How dare he! How dare he have the audacity to suggest that you were stupid enough to just take drugs from a stranger!

Bucky opens his mouth to yell again but you interrupt him. You’re tired of taking his shit and letting him do all the talking.

“Fuck you!” You shout. “How dare you suggest that I would be stupid enough to take drugs from a stranger! And don’t get on to me about watching my drink. I assumed that I wouldn’t get drugged in my own house while surrounded by Avengers!” As you rant you decide that it was time to put it out all in the air. To let him know how wrong he is about everything. “Also, what’s your fucking problem with me? You say I'm too happy and nice, well so is Steve and I don’t see you screaming at him? And by the way, I’m not this happy-go-lucky person all the time! New flash Barnes, everybody has shit they deal with, some are just better at hiding it than others!” Your fists are clenched and your chest is heaving as you continue to yell. “You wanna know why I have daddy issues? Cause I tried to fucking kill myself a few years ago! And my dad, instead of letting me recover and go to therapy in the medical wing of the tower, he sent me off, knowing how terrified I was of doctors and hospitals. And to top it all off, he didn’t even visit, make a phone call or even write me a fucking letter! Not to mention that he hates that I do art and has never once said he is proud of me! I mean, he likes that fucking spider kid more than me!”

“Y/n I’m sorr-“ Bucky starts.

“I’m not done.” You cut him off. “I’m sorry about what Hydra did to you, I really am. But everyone has their own shit. The rest of us just chooses not to take it out on other people.” You sigh, finally done.

Bucky stares at you silently, unsure of what to say. You had just dropped a bomb on him and he was thoroughly unprepared.

“Get out.” You tell him quietly, too worn out to yell anymore.

Bucky doesn't put up a fight, simply nodding. He walks slowly to the door, hesitating before leaving. “I’ll tell Tony you’re awake…. I’m sorry y/n.”

As soon as Bucky closes the door, you let out a sigh as you fall back against the bed, already wanting this day to be done.

You're sitting up, sipping on the small juice box the nurse had left by your bed while flipping through the channels on the hospital TV.

The door to your room creaks open, Tony coming from behind it.

“How ya holding up kid?”

You shrug, setting the juice down and muting the TV. “Fine I guess… the juice here is good.”

Tony walks further into the room. “That’s good.” He takes a seat at the end of the bed.

A few moments pass, neither of you knowing what to say. The tension in the room is thick and one of you would have to be the first to cut it.

“Dad.” You finally speak. “We need to talk.”

Tony sighs, an awkward half smile making its way to his face. “Why do I get the feeling that you're not referring to last night?”

“Why-“ your voice cracks, your emotions weighing heavy on you. “Why did you send me away?” You start to tear up. “Why didn’t you call or visit?”

Tony clears his throat, clearly feeling the same emotions bubbling up as you. “I didn’t know what else to do.”

This pisses you off. “You could have had me stay in the hospital wing of the tower! You could have been there for me instead of sending me off like some kind of unwanted burden!” Tears start to leak out of your eyes. “Just like my mom did.” You mumble, voice barely above a whisper.

You had never met your mom, didn’t know anything other than that she was one of Tony’s one night stands. She never cared about you, didn’t even care enough to name you. She simply left you in a basket in the lobby of Stark industries with a note claiming you were his daughter.

Tony moves right beside you, taking your hands in both of his. “You can’t possibly think that.” His voice is strained and you can tell he’s only moments away from crying.

“What was I supposed to think!” You cry.

Tony’s lip quivers as he speaks, two heavy tears falling down his cheeks. “I made a mistake.” He admits. “I thought you would do better being around people you could relate to. That’s why I sent you off.”

“And the reason you didn’t call or visit?” Your shaking hand wipes tears from your eyes.

“When- When you found out I was sending you to a facility upstate you told me you hated me. That you never wanted to see or hear from me again.” Tony pauses. “I thought I was doing what you wanted.”

Then it hits you, it was all your fault. If you had never said those terrible things to your father he may have come to see you.

“I’m so sorry.” You whisper. “It’s all my fault.”

“No, hey, don’t do that.” Tony pulls you close, letting your head rest on his shoulder as you hug. “It was my mistake, I shouldn’t have listened to you. It’s my fault.”

“Dad, you think everything’s your fault.”

“So do you.”

You both laugh lightly. Like father, like daughter.

Tony pulls away from the hug, just enough that you can look him in the eyes. “I just need to know… why’d you do it kid?”

You sigh, frowning. “It’s not anything in particular… it’s just, in the moment, you feel so sad and worthless that you think the only way you can escape the pain is to- is to end it.”

“I’m so sorry you ever felt like that.” Tony apologizes. “I should have known.”

You shake your head. “You can’t fault yourself for that. I hid it well, you couldn’t have known.”

“Still, I just-“

“Let’s not not ruin the moment with ‘ifs and buts’, ok? We’ve finally got it out in the open and now we can move on, right?” You suggest.

Well you worked out most of your problems. He has still never told you that he’s proud of you, but that’s an issue for a later date.

Tony nods, wiping the tears from his eyes. “You’re right, and besides, you have a visitor coming soon.”

You look at him in confusion. Who did he tell?

Before you can even ask, the sound of pounding feet coming running down the hall and into your room.

You resist the urge to roll your eyes.

Peter Parker. And he’s brought flowers.

“You told him?” You angrily whisper to your dad.

“He was worried about you when he didn’t see you at the tower.” He whispers back.

“You could’ve-“ you start to speak but cut yourself of as Peter makes his way over to you.

“Hey Peter.” You sigh. Your feelings towards the boy were complicated. On one hand, you resent him for his relationship with your dad, but on the other, the kid was really sweet and hard to dislike. He was almost like an annoying little brother to you.

“Hey y/n! I’m sorry about uh…” he trails off, not sure what to say. “I brought you flowers!” He changes the subject. “I didn’t know what kind you like so I got you a mix!” He smiles brightly.

You smile back softly, taking the vase of the artificially dyed flowers and setting them on the bedside table.

“Thanks Pete.”

Tony smiles at Peter. “That’s nice of you kid.”

Peter shrugs. “It’s no big deal, I mean, that's what you do for people in hospitals right?”

You nod absentmindedly as you read the card attached to the vase. You furrow your brows as you read it aloud. “Congratulations, welcome to motherhood…”

Both you and Tony give Peter an amused look.

Peter blushes, slightly embarrassed. “I didn’t read it.” He lets out a soft, awkward laugh.

You smile at him genuinely as you chuckle. “Don’t sweat it kid… Now, does anyone know when I can get out of here? I’m dying for a cheeseburger.”

“I’ll let the doctor know you're up and we can go from there.” Tony gives you a pat on the shoulder before getting up from the bed and moving towards the door. “Com’ on Pete, let's give her some privacy so she can change.”

Peter nods, following after your dad. “Later y/n!”

“Later Pete.”

3rd person, Bucky’s perspective

“I fucked up.” Bucky admits as he walks into his shared apartment.

Steve, from the couch hears Bucky come in. “Bucky what the hell happened? Is y/n ok?” He jumps up from his spot and makes his way over to Bucky.

Bucky furrows his brows. “Haven’t you talked to Stark?”

“No.” Steve replies. “The only person I’ve heard from all night is you when you told me that y/n was in an accident and that you were at the hospital.”

“She…” Bucky pauses, debating on how to relay the information. “She left with this guy, some actor… he had drugged her and took her to a motel.” Bucky notices Steve clench his fists.

“Did he-“

“No.” Bucky responds immediately. “I got there just in time.”

Steve sighs, visibly relaxing. “Thank goodness. How is she doing?”

“She's fine. She’s pissed at me but fine.”

Steve groans. “What’d you do now?”

“I yelled at her...Basically said it was her fault.” Bucky admits.

“Why the hell would you do that?!” Now Steve is pissed. “She’s been nothing but nice to you and all you do is treat her like trash!” Steve starts to rant.

“I know, ok! I messed up and now I don’t know what to do!”

Steve rolls his eyes. “Why do you even care? You act like you hate her.”

Bucky groans. “I don’t hate her! Look, I don’t know why but I can’t get her out of my mind. She’s so sweet and perfect and beautiful! I guess I was just pissed because I knew I could never have her! So acted like an ass to make her hate me so the feelings would go away. But it didn’t work, and I only yelled at her this morning because I was so upset with myself for not being there to protect her sooner.”

“You’re an idiot, Barnes.”

“I know.” Bucky sighs. “And I want to fix it. I don’t expect her to ever want to be with me after the way I’ve been acting, but I’d like to at the very least let her know I’m sorry.”

“Maybe start with saying you’re sorry.”

“I don’t think she's going to want to listen to anything I have to say.”

“Then write a note.” Steve suggests. “And attach it to a pack of sour gummy worms.”

“Gummy worms?”

“She loves them. Give her some of those and she might accept your apology.”

Bucky nods. “Anything else I should know?”

“Well she loves Star Wars…”

When Bucky heard y/n had called the Avengers to a meeting, he was surprised to say the least… and a little nervous. Was she going to demand he be kicked out? Not that he will put up a fight, he knows he deserves it.

“Any idea what this is about?” Sam, who is sitting next to Bucky at the table in the meeting room, asks.

Before bucky can respond, y/n walks in, not an ounce of unease shown in her presence.

The Avengers all stop murmuring, giving y/n there full attention.

“I’m sure you’re all wondering why you’re here. I’m not going to pussy-foot around it. It’s going to come out to everyone eventually so I thought it would be best that it comes from me. Last night an actor at the party drugged me, took me to a motel, and attempted to rape me.” She doesn't even hesitate to say it. “I’m fine, he was stopped in time and arrested. No, I will not be talking about it further or answering any questions. If you’re upset, talk about it to someone who’s not me.” She pauses, looking over the faces of everyone in the room, excluding Bucky. “You’re all dismissed.”

Y/n leaves the room, leaving the team to sit and absorb the information just dropped on them.

Before y/n can get too far away, Bucky follows after her, rushing down the hall to catch up to her.

“Y/n wait!”

“I already said I’m not talking about it.” She continues walking down the hall.

“I’m sorry!” Bucky shouts, before she is too far away to hear him.

Y/n surprisingly stops and turns around. “You’re only sorry because you pity me, not because you actually mean it.”

#sebastian stan #bucky barnes #marvel #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x stark!reader #fanfiction

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captain-kingliamsqueen · 4 years

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Matter of National Emergency- Liam x MC

Pairing: Liam x Riley

Summary: Liam and Riley are in Isolation in Valtoria...and one of them may succumbed to the almightly Tik Tok! <-- can you tell im bored?

Word Count: 1,667

Masterlist

ASK IF YOU WANT TAGGED! SORRY IF I MISSED ANYONE!

I always notice every single spelling mistake or issue after I’ve posted…so apologies in advance!

Tags aren’t working so I will be tagging in the comments.

Liam sighed as he entered his and rileys quarters at Valtoria, shutting the door behind him. It was just hitting seven o’clock when he returned from his last meeting. Liam and Riley loved coming to stay at Valtoria, it felt more like a home than the palace did, after they got married they stayed at the palace whilst they had some renovations at Valtoria done, they had the royal quarters basically turned into a reasonable sized apartment.

“hey, how was your meeting?” Riley called from the en-suite, she was just coming out as Liam had walked into the bedroom, she made her way over to him, moving to her tiptoes to press a kiss against his lips.

“it was…stressful” He sighed as he placed his hands on her lower back, nuzzling his head into her shoulder

“so…what happened? What’s the decision?”

“Lockdown, as I assumed would be the result, people aren’t listening to how serious this is, they don’t understand that the more they go out, the more people are going to catch this thing and more people are going to die from it, it’s really the only solution if people aren’t going to listen”

“I understand, so when are you announcing it”

“this evening, I’m going to shower and change then head to my office. ive sent everyone home, Bastian insists he is staying in Valtoria with us, so it’s just me, you and Bastian, he is currently setting up the camera for the live feed”

Once he showered, he dressed in a crisp white shirt and black dress pants with a blazer.

“I won’t be long my love�� Liam smiled as he kissed Riley then headed out for his office.

Once Liam reached the conference room, he greeted Bastian then sat himself down at his desk across from the big camera sitting in front of the desk.

“is everything set up?”

“yes, your Majesty, you go live in just under a minute, your statement is written out for you, just in case you need it”

“thank you, Bastian,”

“alright, you go live in 10 seconds” Bastian informed him from behind the camera.

Liam quickly fixed his collar then straightened up. as soon as he seen the light change on the camera he began.

“Ladies and Gentlemen of Cordonia. This is an Emergency announcement from your King. As you all know the corona virus is sweeping the nation. last week I gave the orders to self-isolate if you are a vulnerable person, and many people did, but not all, a few days ago, I gave orders to shut all non-essential business’ and to stay home where possible but again not all listened so as your King, as your leader, I have decided that the best course of action is to go into lockdown, you must know, I hate that I have to do this but if people aren’t going to take this seriously then more people will become infected and more people will die. I am going to lay down some rules that every person in Cordonia MUST follow until further notice. Number one…you must only leave your homes if absolutely necessary, this means, if you need supplies such as food, essentials that you most definitely cannot live without! Number two, you may leave your homes for exercise, once a day for one hour! if you need medications, I have organised for all medications to be delivered to homes, if you need to see a doctor…call the helpline that is on the screen right now, you will speak to qualified nurses, if the nurse decides you should be seen in person, you will then be allowed to leave your home and attend a doctors surgery or hospital. All in all this means you should only be leaving your homes if absolutely necessary The sooner the public follow these rules, the sooner this will start to go away, I don’t want to see groups of kids walking around outside, meeting up with their friends, I don’t want to see people joining in groups for any reason what so ever. Queen Riley and myself are self-isolating along with you, we know it’s going to be hard, sitting in your homes, not able to go outside, when it’s lovely and warm or going to see your friends, but spend this time wisely, be with your family’s, spend time with your husbands, your wives, your children and your parents, time that you wouldn’t be able to spend with them if you were out working or at school, we have seen what this virus has done to other countries, please don’t let this vile virus take control, I wish you all the best, stay healthy.”

Once Liam finished, he bid Bastian goodnight then headed back to his and Riley's quarters. Once he entered, he shut the door behind him, making his way towards the kitchen where Riley was getting herself some water. Liam walked in, wrapping his arms around her from behind.

“hey, I was thinking we could go to bed and put a movie on?” she smiled sympathetically as she seen how tired he was.

“you know I think that’s the best idea ive heard all week” he smiled

The two made their way to the bedroom, they done their usual night-time routines of washing their faces, brushing their teeth and such then the two took themselves to bed. it didn’t take long before the two of them were out cold.

Liam woke to a giggle coming from beside him, he opened one of his eyes just enough to see the time on the alarm clock on his bedside table. 3:00 am. He groaned as he turned over to be blinded by the light from Riley's phone.

“what are you laughing at? Its 2am Riley.”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t sleep” she laughed as she carried on watching the video on her phone.

“are going to sleep at all tonight?”

“yeah I’m just putting it down.” Riley pressed the screen off then placed the phone on her bedside table then shuffled over to Liam, she yawned as she cuddled into his chest causing him to instinctively wrap his arms around her. “I’m sorry I woke you up” she whispered before placing a kiss to his skin.

“It’s alright, sweetie” he placed a kiss on top of her head before the two fell into a deep slumber

The next morning Liam awoke to an empty bed, he frowned at the empty space that his wife should have been in, she had no reason so be up this early as the country was currently on lockdown, they had no meetings or obligations, they would have the odd conference call but that was it. He stretched as he removed the duvet and climbed from the bed, pulling a pair of lounge pants on before heading towards out of the bedroom.

“Riley sweetie?” he called when he didn’t see her in the living room.

“I’m in the kitchen”

“Morning beautiful what are you doing up?” Liam asked as he made his way to her wrapping his arms around her from behind as she finished fixing the mugs of tea she was making.

“I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep, I hardly slept a wink all night.”

“oh really?” he asked as he nuzzled his head into the crook of Riley's neck.

“yeah, hey I’m sorry I woke you up this morning, I feel awful.” She sighed as she passed him one of the mugs of tea

“I told you this morning and I’ll tell you again now, it’s fine, don’t worry about it” he replied as he gently pressed a kiss to her lips. “I love you” he added

“I love You too” she smirked, the two made their way into the living room where they curled up on the sofa whilst catching up with the morning news on the television.

“I don’t know who pissed 2020 off but whoever was I hope karma comes around and kicks them in the ass!”

“I’ll toast to that!” Liam chuckled as he tapped his mug against Riley's.

“hey…I heard a joke on tiktok last night, when I couldn’t sleep oh my goodness…what was it again?” Riley went quiet for a minute then started laughing “oh god that was it…”

Liam smirked at how funny she found the joke; he sipped his tea as she went on to tell him.

“so little johnny’s sitting in class and the teacher says she has a math problem for him, she says, if there’s 5 birds sitting on a wire and little johnny shoots one how many’s left? So little johnny says none, the teacher says no, the answers four and johnny says no, the answers none ‘coz If I shot one the rest would fly away, the teacher says, I like the way you think.”

Liam looked at Riley confused but laughing at Riley trying to get her words out in between laughing.

“okay…” he smirked

“little johnny says, I got a question for you, if there’s three women sitting in a store eating ice cream cones and one of them is licking it, one of the is sucking it and the other is biting it, which ones married…so the th-the teacher HAHA the teacher hesitantly replies, well I guess the one sucking it and little johnny…oh my god…” just as Liam took a drink of his tea Riley finished the joke, “little johnny goes no, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.”

Liam spat his tea out as he went to laugh, he chuckled as he wiped his chin where his tea ended up.

“is that why you were laughing this morning?”

“yeah” she chuckled

“that’s hilarious”

“what times your conference call?” Riley asked him

“1pm”

“okay, do you want to have lunch out on the balcony before your meeting, it’s supposed to be really nice out today”

“I would love to”

By the time half 12 hit Liam and Riley had just finished their lunch and were sitting outside on the balcony, just getting some fresh air.

“y’know even though the reason the countries on lock down is bad, I’m so happy we get to spend some time together and it’s not rushed or last minute, we can just sit and be together” Liam smiled as he took Riley's hand across the table.

“I totally get it, the reason behind it is bad, but the time we’re gonna get to spend together is a blessing and we can’t take it for granted.”

When it was time for Liam to go, they both headed inside, he placed a gentle kiss on Riley's lips then headed down to his office, whilst Liam was at his conference call Riley curled up on the sofa scrolling through her phone.

It was just a short 45 minutes later that Liam returned to the apartment, Riley had fallen asleep on the sofa, with Bash, their protective corgi, curled up sleeping at her feet. Liam decided to get some paperwork out of the way whilst, Riley was sleeping.

It was just after 5 when Riley woke, she heard Liam in the kitchen, so she got up and made her way to him. when she walked in her was stood boiling the kettle to make some tea. Riley approached him from behind wrapping her arms around his torso and cuddling into his back.

“I love you Liam” she whispered tiredly

“I love you too” he smiled as he turned into her hold, placing a kiss on her lips. “do you want a cup of tea?”

“that would be great” she smiled

“did you sleep well?”

“I did! Better than last night anyway”

Once Liam made the tea, he passed Riley one of the mugs then the two sat at the kitchen table with them.

“I found another funny tik tok” Riley grinned

“alright, hit me with it” Liam smirked

“so…there’s a family with a little boy, driving behind a trash truck on the highway, suddenly a vibrator flies out and hits their windshield. To try and save their sons innocence the woman goes, oh that was a huge bug! And the little boy goes, damn mom how does a bug fly with a dick that big!”

Liam nearly choked on his drink; he slapped his hand on the table as he threw his head back laughing. “damn, who do you even follow on this thing” he laughed

Riley climbed out of the shower, wrapping her towel around her, she dried herself off just as she went to lift the nightgown she had brought into the bathroom with her, she remembered she seen a trend of people walking out in front of their wife or husband naked to see what their reactions would be on tik tok, now of course, she wouldn’t be filming it but she knew it would be a lot of fun for the two of them, she smirked knowing what it will result in after Liam sees her. she walked out of the bathroom with her towel around her, she walked out of the bedroom and stood on the other side of the living room, Liam was sitting on the sofa with his back to her just about to finish up his call. Riley smirked as she unwrapped her towel, she slowly walked over towards the kitchen throwing the towel at Liam as she walked causing him to turn around. She smirked as she seen his face go from confused at the towel to his jaw dropping and nearly hitting the floor “damn baby” he mouthed as he watched her bare behind walking into the kitchen. She grabbed a glass of water to quench her thirst then as she turned around she seen Liam leaning over the end of the sofa so that he could see into the kitchen, Riley smirked with a wink as she headed into the room, swaying her hips as she walked past him, Liam stuck his arm out to stop her from going any further, he wrapped his arm around her legs gently pulling her closer to the sofa, he ran his hand up and down her leg.

“i-im…I’m sorry…I have to cut our conversation short” he quickly spoke into the phone. “I know but…it’s a matter of national emergency” he replied as he stood from the sofa, eyeing Riley's chest.

“ok…goodbye” he hung up then flung his phone onto the sofa with a grin on his face.

“are you ready?” he asked putting his hands on her waist as he leaned his head down, placing kisses along her jaw.

“ready for what, baby?” she sighed contently as she ran her fingers through his hair.

“for the wildest night of your life” he smirked as he reached down, hooking his arms at the back of her legs as he lifted her over his shoulder, receiving a happy squeal from her. He gently slapped her backside as he made his way to the bedroom with her.

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tac-confessions · 3 years

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Hi, I'm Hawkii, one of the few curators of the team of bga. I have a few things I wanna say. And one of those is an apology. I've recently stepped down for the second time. I've been selfish, and not taking my actions seriously. Some things said here is a bit sensitive and may be triggering I just want to say what's been going on, what I've done, and why I'm not a good person at all. My health has not been the best, mentally and physically. I'm not gonna be on much in the amino. I don't like getting into what Ive done but I do need to apologise because as someone who is special to many people in the community I see it I have to be responsible, and that I need to carry on with this. I can't hide or play victim, I'm turning 18 in a couple of months from now and I know that many young people see me as a inspiration and that I can do no wrong. Just because I'm a "great" artist, that I too can make poor decisions and mistakes.

About few months ago(not too long ago, just about 4-2 months ago as I remember it) on warriors amino(big one) that I stumbled across a post meaning to talk about the political votes and I wanted to express why the team would of probably not wanted it to be talked about way too often especially in a public post. I've said some things pretty dumb of me, it was 3am and I really wasn't thinking and wording at the time wasnt the best for me. Even so, when I'm really tired I know not to speak about things because ik I'll always get myself into trouble. Now politics is a big issue, human rights is an issue, and so much more is a big issue. I never meant to say it was an opinion. But there are people who are ignorant and will be biased on these issues, that's what I meant. Because there's always that one person who would want to argue or be trolly and get everyone pissed off. what I was trying to express is that it makes some people uncomfortable, and to know what the two old men who are running for president has done in the past is really disgusting. Trump and biden are completely not the best people, and are truly disgusting people. But I see it as that the best choice would have to be biden. Even so, not what I'm talking about here. What I was trying to say here wasn't what I said in the comment, and I apologise for what I done.. it's really embarrassing and even for someone who is in a big community it's my responsibility to come forth with my own actions.

I also want to apologise, for something else. My mental health and physical health is really frustrating me rn. I have a niece, and I was forced out of my own room so my brother and his wife can take it over with their child. My brother has done a lot of things to me in the past that I can never forget, and I don't even want to talk about it. With the hate leading towards the staff team in the bga, I was scared that if I did something wrong that sooner or later it would be on me and I can't take that hate right now because I have no where to put my anger on. My depression has been getting worse the past few months to the point I'll pass out because I wouldn't eat. I wouldn't talk to anyone what was going on with me because I thought it would feel like attention seeking, that no one would understand me, and much more. I'm getting sick, and it's not healthy for me and anyone that I'd choose to stay a curator.. I see it with the following I have that many young people look up to me as an inspiration, a friend, and a family and I definitely don't want to let anyone in the community down. I brought it here because this shouldn't be on a platform for children to see and they don't deserve to see what I truly am.

I can be selfish, manipulative, and so much more and I hate myself for it. I never won't to put someone in a situation that I'll make them responsible for my mental health Because at the end of the day. It's my fault on why I'm here now, I really want to apologise that when I first left the team that I came back only to do nothing to help at all. No one talked about it of course, or mentioned it, but I've seen the person I become and knew that I was incapable of being apart of the team. All I seemed to do was just join public chats and make jokes, and do nothing at all to help with the team. Wether you all choose to hate me or not for the kind of person I turned out, I still need to apologise.

I love you all, and I must thank you for reading this. I do hope to come back as a changed person and not be as sad as I am right now. You guys have helped me a lot and I feel sad that I didn't thank you all for being there. I know some people here will likely forgive me, but please. Even if I came out about it, my actions still can't go unpunished which is why I stepped down. No one demoted me and no one is to blame for my own actions but me.

Thank you for reading this, and I love you. If you need anything or want to tell me anything I'm still on the amino app, I won't post a lot or message instantly. But I will get there when I can💕

Btw I still don't know how to work tumblr-

ilysm hawkii

It was very brave of you to dip into some of these topics and come out and tell us instead of holding it all in to yourself. If you ever need someone to talk to, shoot me a text on amino or discord (Bex#4615)

- Mod V

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alleiradayne · 4 years

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LONG JACKET A DESTIEL-ISH SERIES

Over the last few years, I’ve seen some of the craziest shit hunting with the Winchesters and their angel, Castiel. But this story right here? This isn’t about monsters. This isn’t about the battle between good and evil, heaven and hell. I understand all that.

It’s people I don’t get. People are crazy. And we do crazy things when we’re in love.

PART IV - UNDERSHIRTS

Summary: A lot of investigation, a little bit of a lead, and some personal time between Sam and Y/N. Warnings/Tags: Seriously, more awkward flirting, mentions of missing persons, investigations Characters/Pairings: Castiel, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Female!Reader Word Count: 1,656

“This doesn’t make any sense.”

In a rare display of emotion, Sam tossed the dossier onto the dash of the Impala. “Why in the hell did five random dudes just… disappear?”

The Impala rolled around a corner as Dean turned down a residential street outside of Salem proper. “Maybe they were rushes? Initiation gone wrong…”

“They’re twenty-seven. If you’re going back to college at that age, the likelihood of joining a fraternity is very slim,” Sam replied. “I doubt a group would even rush them.” His chin dropped into his right hand, elbow propped on the sill of the passenger door. “None of this makes sense. I don’t even think it’s a case.”

There’s a reason I don’t play poker. Dean saw my reaction clear as day in the rearview mirror. “What’s up, Y/N?”

“I’m not sure anything up our alley is going on here,” I managed. “So I dunno. Vampires? Draining young, healthy guys and discarding the bodies?”

Beside me, Castiel shrugged. “It’s unlikely. There’s no other vampire behavior. These people went missing in the middle of the day.”

Sam whipped around to face him. “What?”

“The last time they were seen was the middle of the day,” Castiel stated. “You read the reports, right? That’s the only common thread I found.”

“Son of a bitch.”

Dean’s exaggerated gasp rent the air as he gawked at Sam, then laughed when he saw Sam’s flat stare. “I can’t believe it, the great Sam Winchester, investigator extraordinaire, missed something.”

“Shut up. It’s not like you noticed either,” Sam retorted.

As hard as I tried to hold back, unbidden laughter shook my shoulders. Between Sam’s irritation—I never wanted to annoy him, but as of late, it seemed relatively easy to get under his skin—Castiel’s impatience, and Dean’s one-track mind, my ribs burned with the effort to keep quiet.

“Hey,” Dean admonished as he slowed the Impala in front of a pale blue house. “I don’t hear you offering up anything besides lame-ass vampires, Ms. Y/N.”

“That’s because,” I started as I opened the door, “I bet you won’t like my best theory much.”

A metallic crunch echoed through the neighborhood as Dean exited the Impala and rounded the front-end. “Oh, I’ll take it,” he continued. “Twenty bucks says you can’t piss me off.”

Halfway up the walk to the house, I rounded on him and said, “I don’t think there’s a case here, and I think Detective Williams’ called you to get laid.”

If anything, Dean was, at most, mildly offended. He knew we weren’t dumb. Maybe he had hoped we wouldn’t figure it out. When the subtle pink blossomed on his cheeks again, he attempted to side-step me for the house, but Sam grasped him by the shoulder and pointed at me.

“Pay the lady.”

That indeed seemed to piss him off. Dean shoved a hand in his pocket, tore out his wallet, and shuffled through it. Then he smacked an old twenty-dollar bill into my hand and grumbled to himself as he stalked past.

“I think there’s actually a case here,” Castiel said over my shoulder.

“How so?”

He gestured to the house directly ahead. “I think we’re about to find out.”

Too many hours in and out of the car had stiffened my legs and knotted my neck. Not to mention all the sinking sofas, worn-out chairs, and leaned on countertops at five different interviewed homes. But it had all been worth it.

“Groceries.”

Dean kept repeating himself the entire way back to the motel.

“Groceries.”

“Dean, we get it, the last thing they told anyone they were going to do was grocery shopping,” Sam barked. “Why is that so weird?”

When the Impala lumbered over the driveway and into the motel’s parking lot, I decided it was time to play the game. “They all went to the same store. Could have been one of the employees.”

“That’s… a possibility, sure,” Sam started as he exited the car. When I followed, he continued. “But it’s just as likely that they were randomly targeted on the way to the store. Or out of the store.”

“Which store?” Castiel asked at the door.

Dean unlocked it and strode through. “L&M Foods.”

I had made it across the motel room and withdrawn my pajamas from my bag when Sam said, “We should take a look around tonight. When there aren’t so many people around.”

My chin slumped to my chest. “I guess I’ll sleep later.”

Castiel rushed to my side and touched my forehead with no warning. Warmth spread through my entire body, but when he withdrew his hand, I still ached. “You need to rest. We can check in the morning.”

Sam regarded Dean, who shrugged, then turned back to me with a worrying twist to his lips. He closed the space between us, then asked, “You gonna be okay, Y/N?”

The aching muscles in my neck screamed out for relief in the nearness of Sam. But I kept that to myself, despite my staring at his massive hands. “I need to get some sleep.”

Either he could read minds or body language. I’d bet on both. Sam’s soothing touch rubbed my shoulder. Perfectly innocuous, and every bit the caring friend he seemed determined to remain.

Except Dean knew otherwise. At least, I assumed he knew how I felt. When I spotted his crooked smile, I dug as deep as humanly possible for every ounce of resolve to not blush.

“Cas and I can—,” Dean started, but he froze when he turned to Castiel. Again.

Castiel had removed his suit jacket, tie, and button-up before anyone had noticed. “I… thought we weren’t going anywhere until tomorrow morning.”

To that day, I had never seen Dean’s face turn so red so quickly. And then it finally dawned on me. Where I had saved face—albeit a fraction—when caught pining for someone, Dean openly blushed, stared without reservation at the object of his affection.

Look, I am the first to admit that I know next to nothing about flirting. Hell, half the time, all I did was irritate the piss out of Sam. But Dean and Castiel knew fuckall. And at that exact moment, as Dean stared at Castiel in suit pants and an undershirt, everything made sense.

“You know, now that I think about it,” I started far louder than I had intended. Dean startled as he averted his gaze, and Sam snatched his hand from my shoulder. “We should get a look tonight.” Though I tried to fight it, a wide yawn interrupted my statement, and Sam’s touch returned.

“No, Y/N, you need rest,” he insisted. “You two can go tonight yet, right?”

Castiel shrugged back into his shirt. “I don’t need to sleep, but are you—”

“I’m fine!” Dean barked as he grabbed his jacket and rushed out of the motel room.

The dejected sigh from Castiel as he tossed on his suit jacket—he had forgone the tie, left in a pile on the table—followed him to the door.

“Hey, Cas.”

“Yes, Y/N?”

“Give him some time,” I said. “He’ll figure it out.”

He smiled at that. “Thank you.” Before heading through the door, he regarded Sam with an equally fond smile, then left.

When the door closed, I turned to Sam, but he spoke first. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?”

The perfect opportunity had presented itself, and I wasn’t about to waste it.

“You know, riding in the backseat of that car all the time really does a number on my back.”

“Oh,” he quipped as he sat on the bed. “Here, sit in front of me. The only spot in the Impala that is remotely comfortable is the driver’s seat.”

Well, shit. Can’t say I didn’t try. I did as he said and sat on the edge of the bed. Deft hands and precise thumbs started in on the knots of my shoulders with expert accuracy. “I guess you would know.”

“My neck is constantly killing me,” he agreed. “I usually take a couple tennis balls in a sock to my shoulders. Hurts like hell, but the relief is worth it.”

A momentary silence filled the space as my mind slowed to nothing and sleep threatened. Before long, I slumped over, and only Sam’s gentle shake woke me. “Sorry. Castiel wasn’t joking. This exhaustion is fucking terrible.”

Sam squeezed my shoulders one more time before motioning towards the bed. “You should change and get some rest. When we get back to the Bunker, I can really take care of these.” He prodded the lingering knot at the base of my neck.

“I could return the favor, too,” I suggested as I stood.

It wasn’t until I turned to him and found a blush on his cheeks, similar to Dean’s, that I understood. “I mean, only if you want, just thought I’d offer, you know, it’s fine if you don’t, I get it, it’s kind of weird—”

“I would enjoy that very much.”

If I hadn’t been so damn tired, I might have made another move. But sleep beckoned—no, demanded—my attention. I offered my best beyond-exhausted smile as I turned for the bathroom and, once there, shut the door.

I didn’t bother locking it. I knew Sam wouldn’t come in unless I explicitly asked. And even then, knowing how I’d burned the wick at both ends for far too long, he would merely drag my dead weight into bed to sleep. And sleep I would. Dear Lord, I never knew the human body could experience such draining exhaustion.

After a quick change of clothes and a brushing of teeth, I left the bathroom and found Sam at the table pouring over dossiers. His brief smile faded the second he returned to the profiles, eager to get to the bottom of the case.

As I curled into bed, I convinced myself that he wanted to get back to the Bunker sooner than I did.

Reblogs and feedback are awesome. If you want in on the tags, send me an ask or a DM!

LONG JACKET MASTER LIST

ALLEIRADAYNE’S SPN MASTER LIST

#destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel fanfiction #castiel #castiel fanfic #castiel fanfiction #dean winchester #dean winchester fanfic #dean winchester fanfiction #sam winchester #sam winchester fanfic #sam winchester fanfiction

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bluepenguinstories · 4 years

Text

Remoras Full Chapter XII: Fever Ray

Hmm...where was I? When I opened up my eyes, I noticed I was laying down in a bed, but not my bed. A Talking Heads song started to play in my mind, but I couldn’t remember which one.

I leaned up and saw a tube attached to me, and next to me, IV bags.

Did I get my organs stolen again? I couldn’t help but wonder. Sure, it had been a while since such a thing happened, but there could’ve been some debt I needed to pay off that I forgot about.

That notion was swept away as fast as it had been drawn up. Someone entered through the door in a pair of scrubs and that was when I realized that I was in a hospital room.

Damn, my mind must be such a fog right now, considering it took me THAT long to figure it out.

“Hello again, Ray,” the doctor (or head nurse. Or surgeon. Or could have been an intern. I was still trying to sort my mind and I felt like I was ready to pass out again) greeted with a familiar, icy voice. But no, it wasn’t Remora.

“Hi Shirley,” I opened my mouth to speak. It was more like a creak, a croak, or even a groan. Tired, weak, and a hint of hoarse. If I could bring myself to joke, I would have said that I swallowed hoarse-radish.

“I told you: I’m Dr. Cole-Slaw. We’re not close enough that I’ll allow you to refer to me by my first name.”

Ah, Dr. Cole-Slaw. The doctor formerly known as Shirley Cole. But coleslaw was good, too. Especially with the right ingredients.

I managed a smile. It felt forced, even if the intent was genuine.

“But that can change, right?”

“Perhaps, but when you’re my patient, you will refer to me as ‘doctor’. Understand?”

Such charm. It was good to know she took her job seriously. That’s why she was my preferred doctor. But the question still remained as to why I was there. So of course she would tell me before I even had a chance to ask.

“I presume you know why you’re here, yes?”

There it was. I opened my mouth, but she spoke up again before I could reply.

“Your wife found you all stiff and purple, and then you fainted. Fade to black. End scene. Understand now?”

Oh. There it was. The arm thing. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t even move my head, but she must have seen in my eyes that I understood the situation.

“We spoke about this a few months early when you asked for a check up. Even though it must have been an issue far longer, you just let it go untreated.”

She moved about the room in less of a pace and more of a march. Eyes focused on me the whole time.

“First, your hand got shot. Hole right through the middle of your palm. Hurt like hell, I presume. Fine enough so far. Except you did not clean it.”

“I went right to the diner and took care of other business,” I recalled.

“While still bleeding? I hope not. Think of the poor floor. Good lord. Such indecency. Don’t you have a first aid kit in your establishment? I would think so, given the business you tend to deal in.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I dismissed. We already went through that very conversation when I asked her to check out my hand. At this point, it sounded more like she wanted to rub salt in my wound. My untreated, festering wound.

“I wasn’t finished,” she dismissed my dismissal. Of course. I should have known better than to talk back to a doctor. She took a second, as if to make sure I wouldn’t interrupt her. “Then, you went on for months pretending as if you were fine. Your wound on the outside healed, yes, but you already exposed them to the elements. Your hand became paralyzed, and you tried to hide such a fact. Honestly, I was surprised it didn’t happen right after you got shot, but, delayed reaction. It happens. Moving on.”

I didn’t even notice until she turned a page on her clipboard that she had been holding one.

“So here we are: your entire arm has been infected. Not only are you not able to use it, but if left untreated, it will spread.”

Maybe I had been in the vicinity of carelessness. Things happened. It was an easy mistake to make. But now that I was there, I could get antibiotics and it would all be fine. So it was fine. No need to worry.

“Hey,” she showed some grit in her voice. “Look at me.”

Well, how could I say no? I turned my head, and she stared down at me, and for a moment, I thought it was in contempt, but I had a slight gut feeling that underneath her face mask (which was endearing), deep down, she was getting a kick out of this.

“If you’re thinking of telling me that it was all an ‘oopsies’ and you were just careless, don’t. Out of all of your faults, being careless is not one of them. You are nothing if not meticulous. So refrain from that bullshit.”

That was one of my favorite things about being her patient; the lack of bedside manner really made me feel like it was less a talk between doctor and patient and more of a talk between friends.

“In any case, it’s none of my business if you want to die, but rather than construct an elaborate ruse around your loved ones, you could have talked to a therapist. I know a really good one. I’ve got his business card in my pocket right now, if you’re interested.”

“Pass,” I told her, with less of a passion than I wish I had. It was the tiredness the IV gave me. I felt the lights would soon fade, anyway.

“Very well. In any case, before you decide to check out of this existence, I think you ought to know that your condition is treatable, albeit you may want to consider the treatment before accepting as it will involve amputating your arm.”

That serious, huh? What was this, the 19th century?

“I see,” I managed to form the words. “Is Sunny around?”

“Yes. In the lobby.”

“I’d like to speak with her…” but I started to yawn and drift off.

When I awoke, I was still in the hospital bed. Which was good. That meant I hadn’t been kidnapped by a gang wanting secrets out of me. Of course, I didn’t even know if I had any secrets left to tell. Not even the secret about my arm now that Sunny knew.

To make matters worse about how out in the open I now was, I turned my head to the left and was shocked to see Sunny seated right next to me. Her hands were on my one uninfected hand. I did my best to muster a laugh.

“Careful. You should really put gloves on.”

To my surprise, she didn’t look all that angry for keeping something so serious from her. Well, the seriousness of it was up for debate. It wasn’t like I had cancer. No broken bones. No coma, either. Worst case scenario, I’d die due to a lack of action. Best case scenario, I’d go out on a limb.

“Hey hun,” I smiled. I felt a tear run down my face, so I closed my eyes.

“Looks like you managed to slip one past me as well,” she remarked. No hint of anger in her voice, either. I think I would have preferred her angry. It just seemed more appropriate.

“What can I say?” I meant it to sound more cheerful. Like, “what can I say? I’m good at what I do and I do it often.” You know, to be jovial. But instead, it sounded more like I was asking her what it was I should have said. I opened my eyes and saw her look up and around the room.

“I don’t know, but you’re clever, so I’ll let you think of something,” she replied, with a chuckle to boot. Passive-aggression? Genuine playfulness? My mind was too fogged up to tell the difference.

“I think I figured it wasn’t important enough to mention,” I began to tell her. Good. That was a start. “Like it would just resolve itself, y’know?” Hmm. Did I really believe that? Maybe I should have started over.

“Actually, I figured it was a small problem. Yeah. Like, what was one hand, right? You were gone for a while, and when you’d come back, I figured you’d barely notice. I didn’t expect it to spread.”

She gave no reply. Maybe I needed to try something else.

“Or maybe this is just who I am: I’m a curious person. I test things and I like to see what happens next.”

Not that one, either? Well, I was probably on the right track. Just a couple more explanations and I’d be there.

“You know, when I found out last night, my first thought was that it was my fault for being away so long,” she said at last. “But I just figured it would be like usual: we’d both do our things, have fun, and then when I came back, we’d both have fun together. That’s how it’s been in the past, hasn’t it?”

“It can still be like that,” I assured her. “I’m never not having fun. Even now, I can’t help but laugh.”

She let out a forced laugh. “Yeah. Me too.” Then, she let go of my hand. I watched as she got up. “Tell me, what were you thinking?”

I still couldn’t detect any anger. It didn’t even sound like she was upset.

“Ah…” I think it took me a moment to find the means to speak again.

“It wasn’t planned,” I told her at last. “It was the night in which I set out to recruit Remora. When I went to speak with her, I ended up irritating her just enough to the point that she shot right through the palm of my hand.” Oh, all of that was such old news, it didn’t seem worth repeating. But I did so just in case I never told her. “The pain was intense, and indeed, much blood was spilled. I took it all in stride, however. After all, I understood that it was a risk. In spite of her not being very emotional, she can be rather violent to those who piss her off. Or maybe that was the old her.”

I continued after I drew a quick breath. “I figured the handkerchief would suffice to stop the bleeding, and then I’d treat it later. After all, it wasn’t the first time I’ve been shot at.”

“Indeed, but go on…” My sunshine replied. So I did.

“I guess I treated it. Somewhat. The wound closed, there wasn’t a hint of blood. It was kind of a DIY job. In other words, it hurt like hell. Somewhere along the line, I started to notice that I was losing function of my right hand. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. By then, I just figured I may as well let it happen. Later, I had Dr. Cole-Slaw check it out and she confirmed. At the time, suggesting that I take antibiotics. Or that I should have taken them. Oh, it’s such a blur right now.”

“But you didn’t?”

“I didn’t. I figured, ‘why?’ If it was going to get worse, why not just let it happen? I’m someone who deals in high risks and high rewards, and sometimes, the risks and the reward are one and the same. You know how it is, right? Win some, lose some.”

I saw her shake her head.

“We both deal in dangerous things. I’m not upset about that. But if you know you can get your wounds treated, why wouldn’t you? If you don’t, how do you expect to live the life you want to?”

Heh. To that, I couldn’t help but smirk. I didn’t even care whether or not she saw me.

“To be honest,” I replied. “I’ve just never taken life all that seriously.”

After that, I went back to sleep. Blame it on the IV.

Of course. Sunny was still there. Times in the hospital was just like that; asleep, awake. Asleep, awake.

“Still here?” I asked.

“Of course! Can’t get rid of me that easily. Unless you want to lose that bet, too.”

I managed a chuckle. Ah, nostalgia.

“Hey, remember when we first met?” She sprung the question out of the blue. Just like Sunny. We were both such nostalgic people.

“You mean the night we got married? How could I forget?” I retorted.

I wondered how she saw it, and if I saw it the same way.

Ah, but before I got too ahead of myself, that wasn’t the story I told people, now was it? I’d often tell people that Sunny and I were high school sweethearts, a young couple who would spend time on the school bleachers during the sports team’s off-season. That wasn’t quite how we met, though. There were enough details that were true so that the “high school sweethearts” story wasn’t a total lie: for one, we did attend the same high school, and coincidentally, we did tend to sit at the same bleachers during the sports team’s off season.

We just never really noticed each other until way later.

So the version of the story that we told others was sweet enough. An ideal narrative. Maybe because the truth was far more ridiculous.

See, it was at a county fair, or something of the like, when it all happened. I passed by rigged games and carnival rides. Cotton candy, elephant ears, and hot dog stands all paraded as well. Wherever the crowds would migrate to, there was something ready to sucker others out of their money. Which was what brought me there in the first place.

I looked around and thought of all the ways I could make easy money fast; all I had to do was come up with a rigged game with a cheap prize attached and dollar after dollar would drop. Children begging their parents, a romantic partner urging the other to keep going to win them something. I already saw it all around me.

But before I could plan too far ahead with my scheme, I was stopped by the voice of an old woman.

“Heya sonny,” she crooned. It was funny, because she referred to me, and not Sunny. “I’ll read your fortune for a dollar.”

I laughed. I laughed so much that I decided to let myself get swept up in the thieving festivities.

“Very well,” I sneered while pulling out a dollar. “Let’s see what you got.”

She told me to hold out my palm. Great! She really played up the act! Excellent! After she closed her eyes, she took a moment, then said:

“The next person you meet will be the love of your life.”

Oh my! That was too good! Out of all the bold psychic statements, that’s the one she had to go with, huh? Very well, I thought. I’ll take her up on her bet.

I turned around and saw a buxom lass with curly brown hair all tied up in a thick, long pony tail.

“Hey there,” I said to her and pointed to the psychic’s booth. “Nice to meet ya, I’m Ray. I know we just met and all, but wanna prove this psychic right and get married?”

That was it. The moment that should have sealed the deal and proven that psychics were just as fake as all the other attractions.

She laughed. Like, a real chortle. Just a full-on hoot right there. Then, she put her hand on my shoulder, smiled a daring smile, and said, “that sounds stupid! I’m in!”

With that, the two of us left the fair and went down to the courthouse to fill out a marriage certificate. It only cost us, like, what? Fifty bucks? Afterward, since the day was still young, we opted to sit out on the grassy fields of a park.

“So, husband and wife, huh?” She turned to me and laughed.

I can’t believe that actually came true, I must’ve thought. Then again, it’s all in the wording. She never said anything about getting married. Just ‘love of your life’. We’ll see how this goes.

“It would appear so,” I nodded along. Then, I got a call from my best friend/roommate, Lucky.

“Hey bro, we still up for sucking each other off tonight?” He asked in that shameless manner that I loved about him. Too bad I had to be the bearer of bad news.

“Sorry, I’m married now,” I broke it to him in a nonchalant manner.

“Whoa. Dude. Since when?”

“Just now. We decided to prank a fortune teller.”

“Well grats, bro! Wish I was invited to the wedding.”

“Yeah, well, we didn’t have one.”

“All right, well, just to let ya know, I still expect cuddles tonight.”

“Of course. Talk to you later.”

I hung up the call and put the phone back into my pocket. Sunny must’ve heard the whole thing.

“Should we have had a wedding?” She asked, then changed her mind. “Ah, but then my family would want to be invited, and then they’d hate that I married a scoundrel. My mom and sister alike would’ve probably taken me aside and say, ‘you should’ve married someone nice and have kids’, which, y’know. Totally boring.”

I gave it a good thought and took zero offense to any of that. I knew who I was, and I was good at who I was.

“I get that. I got no problem with kids, myself. I used to launder money at a daycare. If I recall, I had a drug dealing business at the time. Don’t remember which drug, though.”

“Far out! The most adventurous thing I’ve ever done is explore abandoned buildings. Sometimes I find cool things people left behind and it makes for nice keepsakes!”

“You don’t say,” I made a note of what she said. “Well, I wouldn’t call what I do ‘adventurous’. It’s all about knowing the right people and avoiding the wrong ones.”

“Oh yeah? Then what would you call yourself?”

I shrugged. “I’d say I’m the wrong person who acts like the right person.”

I noticed Sunny pull something out from the corner of my eye. While my instinct wanted to say “gun”, I favored my odds that it wasn’t.

“Do you smoke?” She asked. That’s when I noticed that she held a joint between her fingers.

“Not really, but I keep a lighter around just in case,” I replied.

I lit her joint, and she took her first hit, which conjured up a mighty cough. She passed the joint to me and I got the clever idea to make a bet of it.

“Betcha I can take a hit without coughing.”

“You’re on,” she challenged my bluff.

Alas, it had been my first time, and although I would end up getting high many more times in the future, luck was not on my side. Within seconds of inhalation, my lungs waged a war against me and it took me a good bit to settle down.

“Oh yeah. Forgot to mention. This is the dank shit right here.”

We laughed along as we got to know each other more while waiting for the high to set in.

“So, like, get this...I’m like, pretty sure my sister’s into chicks, but she’s too preoccupied with the notion of being a caretaker or something like that. Like, she talks wanting a family ‘n shit, but it’s, like, so obvious.”

“Who’s to say you can’t have both?” I suggested.

“Oh yeah, totally. That’s me. I’m into chicks, but I also, like, guys are cool, too, and either way, it’s a win for me. Y’know?”

“Yeah, I get that. You did hear what I said to my bro on the phone, yeah?”

“It’s like they say, man! Boys will be boys! That’s what dudes do, right? Dudes…”

I had the faintest suspicion she was more high than I was. Maybe I just had a stronger tolerance. Case in point, while she was divulging her family’s details, I was busy thinking about business. So of course, a business idea popped into my head.

“So, like, get this: what if someone opened up a diner, yeah? But get this, it was, like, in the most remote part of the arctic.”

“That’d be dope! What would it be called?”

It could be called something like ‘Dope Diner’ or ‘Sunny Ray Diner’, but none of those had the right ring to them. “Do restaurants even need names?” I asked, aloud, although I was sure my thoughts were somewhere nearby.

“Whoa…” That’s when I knew I got her. “That’s such a good point! Like, you may have just cracked the universe! Lemme write that down!” She got out a notepad and a pen and wrote down ‘restaurants don’t need names’.

“So that’s the best part, right? It wouldn’t have a name! It would look just like any ol’ building, and you’d have to go inside to find out it was a diner!”

“You’re like, such a genius! This has gotta be fate, man! Total universe in sync!”

I couldn’t just keep that idea an idea anymore. It was too good.

“If we’re gonna do this, we should figure out where we’d put it, yeah?” I proposed.

“I’m kinda partial to Alaska, myself,” Sunny suggested.

“Nah, not remote enough. Gotta be somewhere like Siberia. Maybe Greenland. But the less green parts.”

“But green’s the best part!” Sunny started to cry.

“All right, all right. Settle down. Maybe some green.”

I started to cry as well. “I mean, who could imagine a world without green?”

We looked at each other, the backs of our heads covered in dirt, then, we both closed our eyes and smiled.

“I think the high’s wearing down…” I told her.

“Yeah, same here,” she agreed.

My legs felt like they were folding into each other.

“Are you also turning into a mermaid?” I asked in earnest.

“It’s all a part of the process.”

Somehow, as if there weren’t enough improbable things that day, we managed to stay out all night, asleep in the grass. When we woke up, it was early morning and we were ready to say our goodbyes with groggy voices. The same grogginess that carried into present day with me in the hospital.

“See ya around,” I waved to her.

“Oh, uh,” she got out her notebook and pen. She looked about as dizzy as I felt. Guess it couldn’t be helped.

After she wrote down her address, she tore the sheet of paper and handed it to me. “I figure since we’re married now, you ought to know where to find me.”

I nodded. “Good point. Shit. I forgot about that.”

“Oh really?” Her lips curled upward into a sly grin. “How about this, then? I bet you a dollar we’ll be divorced by tomorrow.”

Ah, we had just met and she knew me so well.

“You’re on. But just to up the ante, I bet you two dollars we’ll last two days.”

After a while of upping the ante, it somehow came to the agreement that whoever broke up with the other would have to forfeit money proportional to the amount of days we lasted. So it went, and somehow, we’ve kept it going for well over twenty-five years. Which was to say, the betting pool sure was huge.

So that was how the two of us met. More or less. I may have still embellished a few details. Give or take a few anachronistic details.

“Oh, and remember how we didn’t have our first date until a month into our marriage?” She continued to reminisce.

“Mm-hmm,” and again, how could I forget?

“It was one of those five star restaurants that only celebrities and people with reservations could get into, but you got in, and not only that, we didn’t have to pay for our meal. I remember asking you how it was possible, and you said, and I quote, ‘the manager owes me a favor’.”

I smiled, even through a sigh. “If anything, I’d say the way we met just proves how ridiculous life is.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “But I’d say that’s what makes it worth it.”

“Mm…” I gave it some thought. “Still, if I were to die, I’d say I’ve lived a good, long life.”

“Oh, quit it, you rascal,” she patted me over the back, though with her strength, it felt more like a slap. “You’re not that old! We’re both only 46!”

“I think...you’re right. Oh, you aren’t called Sunny for no reason.”

She snapped her fingers. “Besides, how will I know what schemes you’ll come up with next if you’re dead? The suspense would kill me!”

“Actually,” I thought it over. “I prefer living with no regrets, and, well...if I’m going to keep going, I’d like to be able to talk to my daughter again.”

“Oh...uh...right. Our daughter,” I noticed Sunny look away and out the window. “Man, I really wish we could be doing some heist stuff right now. Parenting was never my strong suit.”

“Nor was it mine,” I told her. “But even still, I care about her, and I wish we’d talk to her.”

“But what would we say? And hasn’t it been, like, what? Six years or something? We’re probably way late on that, and she probably hates us for not saying anything for so long. I don’t think there’s anything we could say to fix that.”

“She has that right. I just want to take a gamble on trying, all the same.”

“Very well. Are you sure you can hold your phone in your current state, though?” She asked, and I found myself drifting off to sleep once more with the words spilling from my mouth, “I’m not ambidextrous for no reason.”

When I woke up once more, I checked the clock to see that a few hours had passed. Sunny was no longer in the room, but my phone lay at my lap. Before I could reach over to hold the phone and dial Violette’s number, the door opened up and Dr. Cole-Slaw appeared once more in her signature scrubs.

“So, have you made a decision?” She asked. Right to the point.

“Yeah...I think I’ll go out on a limb, if you know what I mean.”

She groaned. “That’s such a terrible joke, but it’s at least better than you being miserable, so I’ll take it.”

“You’re the best, coleslaw,” I took the time to remind her.

“Repeat after me: D-R. Doctor.”

“Doctor.”

“Good. Now let’s see if you’ll be calling me the best after you wake up and find yourself missing an arm.”

“Oh, before we start the surgery, can I make a phone call?” I remembered what I wanted to do.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t you? It’s going to be a bit before we get everything ready. I don’t think the infection’s gonna spread past your arm in the next couple hours. You should be fine. But if not, yell as loud as you can, and maybe I’ll hear you.”

Ah, how was I so blessed to know such people as Shirley Cole-Slaw and Sunny Reyes/Sunshine? Oh. Right. Sunshine. Rays. I forgot why I had my phone in the first place. I dialed Violette’s number and let it ring.

After a few rings, no answer. Default voicemail message. I decided not to leave a message. But, Violette called back right as I was about to set my phone down.

“Ray, do you even know what time it is?” She sounded mad, like I just woke her up. Maybe I did.

“Not really. Time stopped having any meaning to me ever since I showed up at the hospital,” I replied.

“Oh my god! Are you all right?!”

“Yeah. I’ll live. I’m just getting my arm chopped off. Though I thought about letting it get worse and dying, but, what’ll you do, am I right?”

“That does NOT sound all right! I thought your bodyguard was supposed to protect you!”

Huh? Bodyguard? Did she just assume I had one of those? Though when I thought about it, I had a good idea what was going on.

“Ah, right. My bodyguard. Well, shit happens, y’know? Nobody’s perfect, not even bodyguards.”

“Still, you need to be more careful. Damn near gave me a heart attack, and it’s still early in the morning.”

“Oh yeah. How are you doing? Met anyone new?”

“Really? You called just for that? I thought you’d call over something more important.”

“I did, but who says I can’t check in with you?”

“Ugh. Well, there’s nothing to say. I’m better off staying at home and taking care of Elodie.”

“You haven’t tried at all?”

“Not since I got duped by your bodyguard.”

Right. I was definitely going to have a talk with my “bodyguard” about that.

“Well, keep your chin up.”

“Okay, but is that all you called about?”

“I also wanted to see if I could talk to Elodie for a bit,” I admitted. My heart started to race as the two options, whether I spoke with her or not, both gave me equal measure excitement and anxiousness. “Think I could do that?”

“Yes. Er. No. Maybe. I don’t think she’d like that.” Sunny was right. So it seemed. Even still, I But maybe...er...I could try. Hold on.”

I heard her get up and open Elodie’s door. Though she held her hand in front of the phone, I could still hear her say, “hey Elodie, it’s your dad. Wanna talk to him?”

I couldn’t make out what Elodie said, but I was ready to accept whatever outcome I was given.

“Hello?” Came a hoarse, but still sweet voice. To my surprise, I recognized it as her. Even six years later, I was able to tell what she sounded like.

“Hey...kind of unexpected, huh?” I answered.

“Yeah.”

“To be honest, I wanted to say something for a while, but I could never figure out what, and it felt like whatever I could have said wouldn’t have been good enough to make up for the pain I thought I caused you. But the longer it went, the more I felt like it was too late, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“Yeah? So now you decided to try? You didn’t even bother to send me a birthday card.”

I deserved that. I expected it, and she was right to be upset. Angry, even.

“You’re right. I’ll send you one on your next birthday. And I’ll send you six more to make up for the other birthdays I’ve missed.”

“That’s not going to mean anything! You still missed them!”

“Again, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

“...Still, even just like this. I guess it’s better than nothing,” she grumbled. “So thanks.”

“If you want, I can call more often. I want to say I’d visit you in the future, too, but we’ll see. One day, it would be nice if you could visit up here as well, but it hasn’t been very safe lately…”

“Maybe. But I don’t know.”

“Well, even like this. It’s a start.”

“Yeah,” she may have said to agree, or just to get me off her back.

“I’m going to go to sleep now, but take care, dear.”

“Bye.”

I ended the call, then allowed myself to drift off once more.

When I came to, I noticed bandages on my right side.

“Well, looks like it was a job well done.”

Right on cue, Dr. Shir...Cole-Slaw came in.

“Everything came back good, infection’s gone. Still, there could have been complications from all sorts of things along the way…” She trailed off, to allow herself the element of suspense.

“...But there wasn’t. You’re all good,” she finished. “Oh. But I’d stay here for the next few days, if I were you. To put it lightly, you’re gonna be in ‘hella’ pain.”

“Gotcha.” It would be fine, then. I’d just appoint Tigershark as temporary manager of the restaurant. No biggie. As soon as Sunny showed up again to check on me, I intended to tell her just that.

“Oh yeah, and might I recommend physical therapy? Considering you may be a little off balance?”

“Sure thing.” I tilted my head up. That anesthesia must’ve been some good stuff. I didn’t even remember being pulled into the surgical room.

Maybe I could think of the hospital like a little vacation resort. Or a hotel. One where the food was subpar, but I was sure I’d adjust. Now, for the other matter…

As soon as Dr. Cole-Slaw left, I noticed another presence in the corner of the room. I closed my eyes.

“You already saw me, no use pretending you didn’t,” she spoke up. Ah, all right. Fine. I leaned up and opened my eyes back up. Remora sat there with one leg over the other and with a face of total disinterest.

“How long have you been here?” I asked.

I noticed her examine her nails as she sat.

“Hm? Oh. Not too long ago. The doc let me in. All I had to say was that I was a close, personal, family friend.”

“And she bought it?” I managed a chuckle.

“No. But a little bit of cash goes a long way.”

“So you bribed her?”

“No.”

“Then how’d you get in?” I asked, but then decided it wasn’t important. I guess a little like me, she’d continue to come up with a different reason, none of which being the truth. But if I had to wager, the first one was probably closest to the truth. “Oh, never mind that.”

“Good to see you’ve recovered,” she observed. “Though you should be more honest. I can’t believe you never told Sunny.”

“I could say the same about you,” I recalled what Violette had told me.

“I’m honest most of the time, unless the situation calls for it,” I could already tell she didn’t like where I was going.

“I already know you went over to see my sister-in-law.”

Remora looked stunned. As if “how? I thought I covered all my tracks.”

“I did it to get information on you,” she growled.

“Oh, Remora, Remora...you could have asked me anything. I had nothing to hide. Even if you felt the need to dig up dirt, couldn’t you have done it without hurting someone who had nothing to do with me?”

“For the record,” oh yeah. On the defense now. “It proved fruitless. The only thing she could tell me is that she thought you had a savior complex.”

Now that was a hoot. A whole riot. I began to wheeze.

“Oh? Do I go around telling Mr. Highwayman to stop robbing people?” “I know, right? I thought it was ridiculous, too!”

I shook my head and smiled. “But that’s beside the point. Do you really think she deserved that? She’s a good woman. A little naive, yes, but many people are. At least from my experience.”

“It feels weird being the one to be lectured. Especially coming from you.”

“Everyone’s got issues.”

“Yes. I’m aware. But I’m honest.”

“Mainly when it comes to criticizing others. But really? Bodyguard?”

“It’s not like I’d just tell her ‘yeah, I shot your brother-in-law, and now I’m digging up dirt on him’.

“Ha. I guess not. Even still, you don’t think that was a bit hurtful?”

“Yeah, but –”

“I know you don’t like when others are dishonest with you. Or when others are dishonest with anyone else, for that matter. So why doesn’t the same apply to you?”

“You’re right. I’ll think about it.”

“Other than that, kill whoever you want if you feel that’s what you need to do,” I gave it some thought. I wasn’t going to totally discourage her from her ways, but the complete opposite end also sounded a bit much. “Within reason. I added. No violence in the diner. People are there for a good time and a good meal.”

“I don’t know why you feel like telling me that. But yeah. Okay. Sure. Anything else?”

“Just the golden rule, don’t be a hypocrite. All that.”

“Hmm...about that…yes, but no. I’m going to have to take a raincheck.”

“Oh darn. Here I thought I reached you.”

“I’m going to need to hurt some people. Lie to those same people. It may not make them feel good, and it may not be how I would want to be treated, but that’s beside the point.”

“Why is that?”

“You’ve noticed, haven’t you? The lack of customers in your diner. The sudden blizzards. Mysterious fogs that appear. Creatures being where they shouldn’t. Even stranger creatures appearing, existing, attacking people, killing and laying waste, then disappearing into the night.”

“Oh yeah. Forgot about all that. Well, I’m investigating it. There just hasn’t been any more leads.”

“That’s why. They’re all linked. That I’m sure. I need to figure out why so I can put it all to rest. For that, I need to partake in a bit of trickery. I need you alive. And...I need you to have two functional arms.”

“A little late for that one, missy,” I joked.

“Get a prosthetic one. I’ll wait as long as I need to for you to recover.”

“Aw, I didn’t know you cared.”

“I don’t,” she shot back. “But I have a plan.”

“Care to tell me?” I tested to see if she would at least budge an inch.

“I’ll tell you as much as I need to. You may tell Sunny if you’d like. It would probably be better if you did than you didn’t.”

“I’m all ears,” and maybe it was the anesthesia, maybe it was a ghost memory of some really dank grass, but I really did feel like I was all ears and nothing else.

After she told me, excitement grew, and I couldn’t help but wish for the speediest of recoveries.

#remoras full #writing #stories #ray #sunshine #weed #fever ray #drama #hospital visit

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chumpmagump · 4 years

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27/08/2020

I dont really know what to say. I’m forcing myself to write something because I think if i leave it inside it will become something uglier. I really should be taking my own advice that i give clients, so here i am today trying. I have been stupidly irritated and moody by things at work the past week. I dont know if its compassion fatigue, i dont think it is because I was on the verge of tears at work yesterday after hearing two horrible things from clients. I think it could be my birth control, im on a new one and it lasts 3 months so i cant really do anything about it until the 3 months are up but hope that it starts to work for me without making a mega bitch. Today is going to be horrible because the first YP TOgraduate from rehab is being arrested and sent back to prison for another matter that i think doesnt deserve jail time atleast not to the extent of 12 months min. I’m devastated, i dont know how i will be able to wish them today knowing police are going to come to the door at any time during the graduation. Theres more to it that i cant get into for confidentiality reasons, but i’m angry at the legal system. Young people are so fucking vulnerable, especially those native to our country. And then another client is dealing with a lot of grief today. Its just not a great time at work. I’m heavily behind on counselling notes, and today i was going to take that time to do that but i dont feel comfortable leaving them at the centre today. Personal life is okay i guess? I havnt been seeing any friends. I havnt really wanted to. One of them i know has strong feelings for me and i just dont have the heart to tell him i dont think there is something there. After we went to the zoo on the weekend, I just knew i didnt feel anything really. All my othr friends, some of them are great and I would hang out with them in a heartbeat, but thats only a few that i know i would have energy for. Theres one particular friend i know i just need to cut off and ive been distant consistently, but shes still there. I know i just need the guts to say hey, you talk too much in convrsation and i dont have the fucking energy to listen to you 80% of our interaction because thats not a friendship. I think the mains i want in my life are -Malory -Cara -Phoebe -Andres -Matt -Shermin -Kosta if he can actually not be a dick - Courtney

the rest i probably need to improve my relationship with or fuck them off instead ofjust saying ‘‘ lets hang out tomorrow im tired today sorry’ like its not good enough from me. im sick of being a flake. I’ve made things clear with sam in terms of my boundaries and what i need from our interactions. He has stepped up significantly, which is strange and surprising. I dont really know whats changed in him, i guess the realisation I am a worthy person in his life. I’m still very very hypervigilant of him fucking up, i have to watch myself in not getting attached to the idea this will be consistent for him. he still hasnt fucked off the girl he slept with in the first place the night i was in deep trouble. I have not been taking care of myself the proper way. Probably because when i get home im fucking exhausted, I need a better way to cope with work because its spilling onto other areas of my life that ive forgotten i should be focused and entitled to. Like meditation i was doing everyday for weeks there, and i was doing stretching. Both things I have fucked off for no reason other than i am cold and tired and moody. I am getting braces in 4 weeks. Terrified. Still dont know clear aligners or ceramic. I am so fucking indecisive i hate myself and so does my ortho probably lol. i’m scared to even check my emails because i sent him a question that im worried will piss him off because ive been asking a lot of questions, and maybe he will just crack and tell me to fuck off which i know is highly unlikely i am just terrified. Ah yes, iron pills. something i need to actually get to improve my fatigue as well. Sex wise i am definitely more horny, which is great because that was like rarity for me. I think i have realised i need an emotional connection with the perosn and i need to be properly attracted to them, like not just a little but very much so. Funny, my best friend from high school hit on me last night. She is beautiful and I’ve always thought about that possibility but she would be so experienced being with girls and i have 0 experience lmao. All my exes have been jealous of her because they think im gonna go and be with her just because ive said i have found her attractive in the past. I think i have been having sex with the focus on the guy because i like them to have a good experience and i find that hot, But then physically like im not getting to finish because all my focus is on that yknow. okay ive started thinking about work again and how fucking devatsted i am for my client. Seriously, i just want to cry and scream and scream some more. I havnt been this affected by client situation in a long time. Maybe this afternoon i will go for a walk around the roos and listen to some songs in his legacy. Sigh. This was a messy post and really has no point and no grammar but i needed to write it

#2020 #27/08/20 #personal #social work #friendships #self care

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malafight · 5 years

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Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell

#life update #drugs tw #body horror tw #surgery

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anniebattiebats · 5 years

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ive been knocked down on the rp totem pole.

im just one of those rpers now. the one that takes nothing seriously. the one that’s lazy despite thinking deeply about my characters. the one that’s too loose. the one that, even though i think deeply, doesn’t flesh out my characters better enough for recognition.

you may say you appreciate everything i do, but i damn sure don’t feel that way. and i don’t want any sympathy. i feel like im choking every time i log in to this account. i feel like my options are limited. i feel like i don’t have a chance with most people since i’ll never fit their standards. i stick out like a sore thumb and it shows, yet im a thumb that’s not recognized enough.

maybe i am whining. maybe i am whining for attention. maybe im just being bitter, immature, and childish. i’ll take any criticism even if my views clash with it. but i refuse to keep things to myself.

im tired. and this is ruining my muse. i almost want to quit, even though i drew the art to make things look nice.

fortunately i can still go on since i enjoy my characters so much... but only just for character building. interactions are abysmal. and yes, part of that is my fault because im a coward and i refuse to reach out in fear of not being good enough, of being inferior, of my writing clashing with someone else’s... jeez what else can i say? im in a very negative space rn and i don’t care what other people think at the moment. im angry.

things were a lot better back then, i’ll say that right now.

and though people are busy, which is what i expect, i don’t mind that at all. you deserve to be busy since this is a hobby. i take breaks.

i hate that i don’t take things seriously enough and because of that im knocked down the totem pole. im not like you.

im just repeating myself at this point.

maybe i’ll take a week off, maybe not. not like it’ll change anything lol. if it’s just me, then so be it. i need to stop being a coward anyway. i need to reach out. not everyone has to do it for me.

if you see this, the last thing i want you to do is worry about me, please, just don’t. it’s not that serious. im just pissed off and i need to let off steam somehow before i blow up. i accept that things will never change. i accept that i’ll never change. i’ll accept that i can do better. it just sucks that it’s not the way i wanted it to be.

maybe it’s a chance to be more selfish. i deserve it, im tired of worrying about posting something stupid and im seen as someone not worth rping with. and now i realize that i was always at the bottom. oh well. it is what it is. i guess i don’t have to be up there. idk.

#vent /#long post #it's long so im sorry mobile users #since read mores are broken on mobile for years

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tessxomarie · 6 years

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Saving You - Part I

*Hi everyone! First, I need to shoutout @hellosupernaturaldoctor for giving me advice and the confidence to even attempt this. This is my very first time writing any fan-fiction and the first time I’ve decided to post any of my writing some place other than a word doc. I’ve had this idea for this story since mid-season of the Mayans, and after the finale I put all my thoughts into a story. It starts off slow, but I promise what I have in store next will be worth it! PS, Any feedback is appreciated! - This story takes place a few months after the season one finale. Ez is now a newly patched in member, Alvarez is still working for Galindo; things have been quiet as of late, well for the most part.*

It’s a Friday afternoon, I’m just getting off of work. It’s hot as fuck outside – guess that’s the price you pay when you live in the desert. I lazily gather my purse from the backroom, before I step foot outside, I redo my hair. What was once a cute pony tail this morning has turned into a mangled mess. As my luck would have it, my hair tie snaps as soon as I go to wrap it around a third time. “Fuck.” I mumble to myself. I always wear an extra hair tie on my wrist, but I cannot have a naked wrist. “Fine, a mangled mane I will have. It’s fine, it’s fine.” I whisper to myself. If I don’t leave here now, I will lose all sanity I have left. Man, what a shit show day today has been, this heat must be getting to the kids. Two broken wrists, a broken arm, a no helmet incident and a random summer cold. I didn’t get puked or shit on, and no kid attempted to kick or hit, so I call today’s shit show a success. Just as I’m about to leave, one of my co-workers stops me, “Leah, good work today. You kept that broken arm kid really calm. Keep it up.” Elena tells me with a smile. “Thanks, Elena. I’m just doing my job, but I always welcome feedback, so thanks again.” I say to her as I head out the back door. It’s 4:30pm, I’ve been on the clock since 6am, one would think I deserve to simply go home and use my complex’s pool – oh one can dream. But nope, I’m still on the clock but I guess you could call this gig more of an always “on-call” service.

I pull up in my old school blacked out Jeep Grand Cherokee about twenty minutes after I leave the clinic to the Romeo Brothers Scrapyard, also known as the headquarters for the Mayans MC.

Chucky greets me, per usual. “Greetings Nurse Aleeah.” He says to me with a big smile and a salute. I let out a giggle as I always do whenever someone says my full name…I rarely ever go by it, but around here, I hear it more than I have in years. But Chucky, oh Chucky– how does one describe a chronic masturbator who has a good heart and is part of the biker world without truly being a biker? I guess I just did, didn’t I? “Hey Chucky, how are you?” I ask as I park and exit my Jeep. “I am well, swell actually. I have no complaints today.” Chucky answers with a big smile. “Good, I’m glad to hear that.” I say as I give his arm a friendly squeeze. “The boys need your assistance, I don’t know details but clearly someone got messed up hence why you are here.” Chucky explains in typical Chucky fashion.I roll my eyes as I stand in front of the clubhouse. “It’s always something with these boys, huh?” I rhetorically ask. Chucky nods his head and heads back to the office. I walk up the steps and take a deep breath before I enter the clubhouse. This club is like a box of chocolates, you never know what the fuck you’re going to get so it’s best you just grin and bear it. Is it just a cut from a broken beer bottle? Did a fight break out and there is blood everywhere? A bullet wound? A stabbing wound? A rat bite? Like I said, you just never know. I open the doors and pray today is nothing major. “Have no fear, your favorite RN is here.” I announce as I enter the clubhouse and strike a pose in the doorway. “Umm, isn’t it RN BSN?” Riz corrects as he stands and greets me. “Have I told you that you’re my favorite?” I reply with a playful wink and smile, it does make me truly happy that these guys acknowledge and are proud of my accomplishments. “Hola Aleeah.” Riz says to me while we greet with a warm hug, per usual. “Hey, I spy my favorite nurse!” Gilly shouts from across the room. Creeper, Hank and Taza also wave from the card table. “Greetings gentlemen, you all seem to be in one piece.” I say as I mosey around the few tables between me and the guys. “Although that pleases me, who is the one who called up 1-800-Rescue Nurse?” I sarcastically spit, which receives some laughs from the guys. “They’re in church.” Hank points towards the door. “They? Plural?” I ask looking at Riz, and he nods to confirm. “Jesus Christ.” I say palming my face. “Lee Baby!” Coco shouts from exiting church and walking over to me with open arms. “Ah, Coco Loco.” I reply with a smile and we hug. “How are you doing, Coco?” I ask after we break our embrace. “A lot better than your next two victims.” He replies, him not making much eye contact and that just gives it away – I know automatically who my victims are. “You gotta be kidding me? They got into it again?!” All Coco does is nod and look down at the floor. “How bad?” I ask. “What do you mean? How bad do they look? Or how bad is it between them?” Coco asks me. I shake my head with disgrace. I angrily take my steps towards church and I aggressively open the door. “Damn, she is pissed.” I hear Creeper’s echo as I close the door, as soon I enter the room. Looking at the table, I see them. One is at one end, the other one on the opposite end. I drop my nurse’s bag on the table and cross my arms. “You two have some damn nerve - getting into it again. Jesus. You’re fucking brothers, you are blood – blood don’t do this shit.” I yell with anger and confusion. Silence fills the air as the guys look at each other and up at me. Bishop then looks over to me and quirks an eyebrow and half smile. “Excuse my poor manners, Bish. Your boys tend to make me lose all sanity I have left at the end of a work week.” I tell him as I walk over and give him a warm embrace. “Oh Leah, you’re fine. I know this shit has been out of control recently.” Bishop pauses and looks over to the guys. He takes a deep breath. “I’ll let you handle them now. I’ll be outside if you need a referee.” Bishop exits and I just stand there, crossed arms again. Both boys refuse to look me in the eye, but instead stare each other down. “Are you just going to stand there?” Angel seethes. I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Give me one good reason as to why I should fix the both of you up? Huh? Because as I see it, this is the fourth time this month…THIS MONTH! Angel, please, humor me and explain to me why the fuck I should tend to your wounds yet again? Maybe if I let you both be, you’ll learn these fights aren’t worth it.” I take a deep breath myself, and I run my hand through my tangled hair, which I then end up putting up in a pony tail right after, I’ll just have to remember to find another hair tie to wear on my wrist later. “Alright, I’m sorry I went off. You two, you two just frustrate me.” I say holding my hands up mimicking a surrender. I take another breath and look between the boys. My gaze is drawn to EZ, probably because he’s the easier one out of the two. “Okay, EZ, I see that nasty cut on your cheek, oh and your hand – good going big brother.” I say as I look over to Angel. He looks away the moment I look his way. “Shocker, EZ gets to be first yet again.” Angel chirps. “Seriously?” I snap. “I’m over here fucking bleeding, I could be dying but all you and anyone ever cares about is Ezekiel.” “Shut it Angel, just shut it, please.” I beg. I start to tend to EZ’s war wounds; some cuts, a nasty one on his cheek – I’m guessing Angel’s rings got the best of him this time around. EZ, he doesn’t say much this time I’m here. I know that he feels the same way as me – he’s tired of this back and forth shit with his brother. “EZ, no more. It’s one thing when you all call me to take a bullet out, or to give a rabies shot, but this shit – playground fights, I’m done.” I explain as I place the last bandage strip to his cheek. EZ doesn’t make eye contact, and his jaw is clenched. His knees shaking. “I know, Lee. I’m sorry you’re doing this again.” EZ tells me as he finally meets my eyes for the first time. EZ, he’s easy to read. He wears his emotions in his eyes, his eyes right now are filled with pain and sadness. This whole feud with Angel, it’s taken a toll on everyone in this club. It’s been almost eight months of this fuckery. “Remove the bandage Sunday night, it needs about 48 hours to heal. If you feel the need to remove it beforehand, clean it thoroughly. Have some of your favorite tequila tonight, and you will be good.” I tell EZ as I throw away the things I used to care for him. “Thanks, Lee.” He says as he kisses me on the cheek and walks somberly out of church. My heart aches for EZ, because the pain – physical and emotional is all over his face and body. Angel hasn’t taken his eyes off of the wall nor has he spoken. I slide my bag down the table as I slowly make my way towards him. Rubber gloves are on, and I grab his face. “Let’s see your damage.” I say, like a dog would when a human goes to check their mouth for something, Angel gives me a little tension as I touch his face. Again, no eye contact. A look of annoyance screams from his expression. I see a nasty cut on the side of his head, by his eye – a sensitive area which bleeds more than most. A black eye is also forming. “Jesus Christ, Angel.” I say examining the cut a little further. “This has to stop. I’m begging. I cannot deal with looking at you two like this, because my fear is that one day, I’m going to be too late to help any of you.” “What if it is?” He spews. I scoff, “No more.” Is all I manage to say. I take out an alcohol swab to clean out his cut. “This is going to sting, on the count of three – one, two, three.” I say as I then put the swab against the cut. A loud hiss comes from Angel and an instant reaction of mine is to grab his face and blow lightly at the cut, helping the sting not be so painful. Angel’s eyes then lock with mine, a look of shock and confusion fill his brown eyes. Angel and I, we’ve had a very interesting relationship since I first came to Santo Padre. He gave me an attitude and I gave it right back – he seemed more pissed off when I talked back than just walking away, and the more I talked back, the more tension built up between us. We started out on the wrong foot, and that’s how we have remained. He lets me care for him, depending on the time of day. Sometimes he lets his girlfriend, well I think she’s his girlfriend, Adelita, clean him up. Today, for whatever reason, he stuck around the clubhouse. I continue to blow on his wound, and I wince back in pain for him because I know it had to sting like a bitch. “Uhh, sorry. It’s a habit of mine, when I treat the kids, I have to do this; they hate it too, so that technique helps them...” I ramble and look away because I sense a bit of embarrassment, as I’ve never been “nice” to Angel. I look and reach back at the table to grab what I need next, just as I turn to face Angel again, I notice a very small smile on his face. “What?” I question, because seeing him smile legit concerns me. “It’s nothing, Leah.” He says monotone and lets me continue working on him. A few more minutes go by, and I determine that he doesn’t need any stitches, just a little butterfly work on one of his eyebrows. “Okay, that’s all. No stitches today, that cut on the side of your face, it’s a sensitive area that bleeds more than most. Your eyebrow cut, it’s an awkward cut – it’s ugly but not ugly enough for stitches. My only request is when you clean it out, could you please use both water and soap?” I emphasize. I know how these guys operate. They either use a dirty rag or tap water to clean themselves up. I turn to clean up my stuff and Angel lets out a minor laugh, which catches me off guard. I look at him and quirk an inquisitive look. Angel stands up, he turns behind his chair and lightly pounds his fist to the back of it. “You sounded just like my ma.” He tells me, in the softest voice I have ever heard Angel speak in. I offer him a small smile as I already know what that history is. Angel leaves church, and per usual no other words are spoken, no thank you’s, nothing. I stay behind a few more moments and collect my thoughts and belongings. I hear the door open, at first I’m startled but relieved it’s just Bishop. “How we doin’, sweetheart?” He asks. I let out a very deep sigh and my facial expression tells my feelings of this whole ordeal. Bishop can’t help but laugh, “I know, Lee. I know.” He tells me as he pulls me in for a hug. “I just need to go home and lay in bed and watch a trashy romcom.” I exclaim as I grab my bag. “I think you’ve deserved that, but before you go – you have a visitor.” He tells me. A look of a deer in the head-lights flashes across my face, who the hell could be visiting me? “Just come with me.” Bishop motions for me to take his hand and follow him. Nerves take over, with the Club, you never know what can happen. As I exit the room, I see the guys scattered all over the clubhouse yet all eyes are on me. “Your visitor is the biggest pain in my ass, so make it quick.” Bishop says, but I catch his playfulness I his voice and I look to the bar and I see who Bishop is talking about – Marcus Alvarez.

#Mayans MC #fanfic #My writing #angel reyes #ez reyes

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lenin-it-to-win-it · 5 years

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just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)”

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class”

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!!

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

#vent #rant #i sincerely doubt anyone will read to the end of this but whomst knows #besides it feels nice to just scream

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marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer · 6 years

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MTVS Epic Rewatch #208

Don’t forget to vote on the season 7 polls!!

BTVS 7x21 End of Days

Stray thoughts

1) So this is how Faith is doing as the leader…

…and this is how Buffy is doing as the outcast Slayer…

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder who’s the boss… (maybe we should ask Abed.)

2) I don’t like seeing Faith hurt, but I do get a very sick (I admit it) satisfaction at seeing all these girls hurt and scared because they kicked Buffy out and they screwed everything up in the worst possible fashion. I know that by having Faith lead them into yet another trap the writers were trying to prove the point that what happened at the vineyard could’ve happened to anyone and that it wasn’t Buffy’s fault (Buffy will make this same point herself later on the episode.) Both Buffy and Faith were trying to do what they thought was best, yet it backfired. Shit happens yada yada yada. Yet I just can’t help but feel personally vindicated when I see Faith and the potentials fuck everything up so spectacularly.

On the other hand, not only was Buffy able to pull herself together after the group (and her friends! Her family!) kicked her out and made her feel like the worst piece of shit in the whole world, but she also managed to A) get the scythe and B) make Caleb nervous, which was a first. So yeah. #teamBuffy

3) So why exactly were the Scoobies looking for Buffy? I mean, didn’t they kick her out literally the day before? And now they’re suddenly worried about her or something? The only person who followed Buffy after they all kicked her out was Faith. Faith! Do you see how wrong/ironic that this? Do you see how painful it must’ve been for Buffy not to have NONE OF HER FRIENDS – not Xander, not Willow, not Giles, not even her own sister! – go after her to see if she was okay? To ask her where she was going or what she was going to do? The only person who showed any concern whatsoever about her was probably the only person she would’ve labeled a potential enemy.

Damn you all, I’m still pissed off. I hate this. I hate having to feel this way about the characters I’ve loved for seven seasons in the FINAL EPISODES OF THE SHOW. It just feels so wrong, but I can’t help but HATE THEM. What the hell was this fucking writing choice? I hate it. I hate everything about it.

4) If I have to say something in favor of Kennedy is this, when shit hit the fan, she was the only one who wasn’t screaming like a moron and who was actually trying to fight off the Turok-Han. So yeah. The girl got spunk.

5) But she’s nothing compared to our designated BAMF.

6) No one is kicking Buffy out now, HUH? HUH???????????????????

Yes. Yes, you did.

8) And this is exactly why they shouldn’t have kicked her out or “rebelled” against her or whatever the fuck they thought they were doing.

BUFFY You guys, it was a trap. It's not her fault. That could've just as easily happened to me.

9) While I do appreciate the pun and the side glances between Buffy and Willow…

I still feel it’s very wrong they’re all just talking and Giles is playing around with the scythe as if the last time they’d been together they HADN’T HUMILIATED BUFFY AND KICKED HER OUT OF HER OWN FUCKING HOUSE???? LIKE SERIOUSLY??? In Willow’s own words, you're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.

Like, I know the apocalypse takes precedence, but maybe say “sorry for kicking you out” and “thank you for saving us AGAIN”.

10)

11) Again, I get the same feeling with Xander. Like, did they all suddenly forget they had left Buffy alone and kicked her out of her own house? Xander is all like, “I don’t need you to protect me just because I lost an eye” but literally a day before he was telling her it was HER fault he’d lost it, and using that as a justification not only for removing her from her role as a leader but also TO KICK HER OUT OF HER OWN HOUSE. And now it’s just like nothing ever happened? How is that possible? How is literally no one apologizing to Buffy? And not only is he not apologizing, but Buffy is telling him that he’s her heart and the reason she’s still alive, which okay, it’s all kind of true, but he’s also the guy WHO BLAMED YOU FOR LOSING HIS EYE AND WHO KICKED YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN HOUSE THE DAY BEFORE?!

I didn’t know that End of Days could make me as angry as Empty Places but here I am.

We’re 14 minutes into the episode and still, no one has apologized to Buffy and they’re all pretending like they didn’t turn their backs on her and it’s pissing me off. I hate feeling this way in the episode prior to the series finale. This is not how a fan should be feeling right before the show ends!

12) Not only do I know what a glottal stop is but I’ve also learned how to pronounce it. Or at least I was able to pronounce it a few years ago.

13) And hence the fate of Miss Kitty Fantastico was finally revealed…

DAWN Xander, my crossbow is not out here. I told you, I don't leave crossbows around all willy-nilly. Not since that time with Miss Kitty Fantastico.

If you must hate Dawn, it should only be for this.

14) Did anyone really believe Xander would hurt Dawn?

15) What was the point of this scene…?

…I mean, other than to give us Nathan Fillion’s orgasm face?

16) And this is the difference between Buffy and the rest… just remember how everyone reacted and treated Buffy after the vineyard, and see how she acts here after literally the same happened with Faith in charge…

FAITH What do you want me to say? I blew it.

BUFFY You didn't blow it.

FAITH Tell that to—

BUFFY People die. You lead them into battle, they're gonna die. It doesn't matter how ready you are or how smart you are. War is about death. Needless, stupid death.

She’s understanding and reassuring, she’s not pointing fingers or kicking people out. And that’s why she’s a hero and the rest are a fucking bunch of morons. I’m sorry, I’m still so angry about Empty Places and this episode is not making things any better.

17) But I do love when my two slayers see eye to eye…

FAITH So, here's the laugh riot. My whole life I've been a loner.(…) No ties, no buddies, no relationships that lasted longer than... (…) Me, by myself all the time. I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life.

BUFFY Yeah.

FAITH And that's you every day, isn't it?

BUFFY I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price. Being a slayer.

FAITH There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.

BUFFY Also, you went evil and were killing people.

FAITH Good point. Also a factor.

BUFFY But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.

FAITH And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.

BUFFY Takes the edge off.

FAITH Comforting.

BUFFY Mm-hmm.

This is something that had been a long time coming. Since day one, Faith had envied Buffy. Just like Buffy saw in Faith her road not taken, Faith saw in Buffy the life she could’ve had but didn’t. She envied it and she wanted it for herself. She literally tried to steal it away several times. So if she couldn’t have it, if it wasn’t meant for her, then she could take Buffy away from it, drive her to the dark side, where she lived. Every attempt was futile, even stealing Buffy’s body and literally taking her life. It only made her feel more undeserving, more inadequate, more unworthy. But every time she’d taken a shot at being the leader, it was by playing tricks, by taking what it wasn’t rightfully hers. This time around, she had somehow earned it. There was no foul play on her part. Others made the decision for her and gave her the role she’d craved for so long. And she finally understood that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Yes, Buffy did have friends and people who looked up to her and cared about her. But when push comes to shove, when tough calls must be made, the Slayer is always alone. The weight of the world is only on her shoulders, and she can’t share the burden. It took four seasons but Faith finally got it. And she could finally let go of all the envy and jealousy.

18) I just love the fact that for the first time Buffy is the one who opens up to Spike. She’s always been the one who pretends there’s nothing between them and who skirts around her feelings and dismisses his. But not this time. And for me, it was enough that she acknowledged that it meant something, even if they – and we – don’t know exactly what that was.

BUFFY You're a dope.

SPIKE I'm a what?

BUFFY You're a dope. And a bonehead. And you're shirty.

SPIKE Have you gone completely carrot-top?

BUFFY Do you see this? This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything. And the reason I'm holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. Look, I am tired of defensiveness and weird, mixed signals. You know, I have Faith for that. Let's just get to the truth here, OK? I don't know how you felt about last night, but I will not—

SPIKE Terrified.

BUFFY Of what?

SPIKE Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.

BUFFY Spike...

SPIKE It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but—

BUFFY I just told you it did.

SPIKE Yeah... I hear you say it, but... I've lived for soddin' ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell, but... I've never... been close... to anyone. Least of all, you. 'Til last night. All I did was... hold you, watch you sleep. And it was the best night of my life. So, yeah... I'm... terrified.

BUFFY You don't have to be.

SPIKE Were you there with me?

BUFFY I was.

SPIKE What does that mean?

BUFFY I don't know. Does it have to mean something?

SPIKE No. Not right now.

19) Update: 29 minutes in and I’m still waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

20) Am I the only who thinks this speech is okay but like, the writers were trying too hard to give Anya her “Anya Speech Moment” of the season and it kind of feels a bit, I don’t know, forced?

ANYA Well...I guess I was...kinda new to bein' around humans before. But now I've... seen a lot more, gotten to know people... seen what they're capable of, and... I guess I just realized...how amazingly screwed-up they all are. I mean really, really screwed-up in a monumental fashion. And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die...which they...they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane. And yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do. They never... never quit. So I guess I will keep fighting, too.

21) #priorities

22) And in another episode of Plots Totally Pulled Out of the Writer’s Ass… (a.k.a. Joss Whedon Tries to Rectify the Fact that He Wrote a Bunch of Men Violating the Original Slayer by Putting a Demon Inside of Her and Thus Utterly Destroyed the Whole Slayerness Equals Feminism Theme)

WOMAN We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who...

BUFFY Yeah. Met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.

WOMAN Ahh, yes. Then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.

BUFFY Oh! So you're like... what are you?

WOMAN Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.

Okay, I get it, I get what you were trying to do, but it was so fucking obvious, it was so transparent. Like, I know most of the so-called metaphors in this show were not so subtle (think the fucking monster-penis in Doublemeat Palace, for instance.) But the feminist struggle in the slayer vs the council struggle was always something that I personally enjoyed. And this is how Joss’s brand of “feminism” began to crumble down, in my opinion. This is what a white dude who is a self-proclaimed feminist believes to be a Good feminist storyline, but it’s so clichéd and self-evident it's almost cringe-worthy. Like, you get a bunch of Evil Men quite literally raping a Poor Woman, who is faked Empowered (her powers were lent to her by the Evil Men and the source of her powers is Evil, Demonic in nature because duh! she is a Woman) so that they can Manipulate her and Use her for the benefit of the Patriarchy. But oh wait! This is a Feminist Show! So in spite of what the Evil Men who were supposedly the Powerful ones did, there always were These Great and Powerful Women behind it all, the True Guardians of the Slayer, This has been a Matriarchy all along, you see?! PLOT TWIST!

Yawn.

The worst part? I can imagine all the writers patting themselves on the back for writing such a groundbreaking and Feminist storyline and for sticking it to the Men.

23) And btw, just to show you how big a Feminist Show this is, we get this…

I guess since this is a Feminist Show and Angel is the hero here and Buffy the damsel in distress, that makes Angel a woman, right?

But hey, at least he (or she?) literally let Buffy deliver the lethal blow…

24) And yes, this totally makes sense!

because Angel has not claimed to be in love with Cordelia and Buffy has not just had her more honest heart-toheart with Spike. Let’s just disregard whatever arcs have been developed in both shows in order to deliver a Ship Moment for the Bangel fans, right? Who cares about character development, right? Because I’m positive this is what former lovers do after not seeing each other in over a year, being currently emotionally unavailable, and facing the greatest evil of all. Suck face.

25) Update: minute 42 and I’m STILL waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

26) Sorry for the bitter rant!

27) If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

#Buffy the Vampire Slayer #BTVS #Buffy Summers #Faith Lehane #The Chosen One #MTVSepicrewatch #mine #recap #End of Days #BTVSrewatch2015 #btvsrecap

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theseviolentdelightss · 6 years

Text

Counting Paths XIII

Series Summary: After a lifetime on the run from the Empire, Reader makes a move that could have drastic impacts for both friend and foe. A Reader insert/fanfic. Gifs belong to their respective owners.

Word Count: 4817

Author’s Note: This chapter was so much fun to work on. I loved including more dialogue and fleshing out these characters. Here’s to hoping y’all enjoy it! As always, much thanks for all the likes and reblogs.

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Part IX Part X Part XI Part XII

You weren’t sure how you had expected this night to go. Successful at best, fatal at worse yet it somehow went beyond that. Into that shallow grey area that lay between. As you sat inside the cool cabin of Cassian’s U Wing, trying to catch your breath, you struggled to make sense of all that had happened. It was too much to process at once and left your bruised and bloody hands trembling.

Around you tired faces stared into thin air. Each of them, both familiar and foreign wore the same expression. A combination of joy and guilt that out of all the blasters fired and grenades thrown on this night none had found there way to any of you. Somehow managing to slip through nearly unharmed. Though something told you that the memories of this night weren’t likely to ever fade from your mind.

It had all started so simply. Both Cassian and yourself had made it through the damp tunnels and even slicker city streets of Nar Shaddah to find yourself outside a worn brick building in area 5.

“Fuck you weren’t lying when you said a couple dozen were you?” You half asked Cassian as the two of you carefully slid your way down the side of a neighboring building before coming to rest atop a piece of scaffolding.

Neither of you had spoken in nearly an hour. It was a tense uncomfortable quiet. Like a piece of clothing sewn on too tight. Leaving your heart fluttering uncomfortably in your chest as you tried to breathe.

Beneath you over a dozen men and women patrol the outside of the dimly lit building. It would seem that whoever convinced Cassian’s target to defect had done so at a cost. You had hunted down your fair share of rubes in your time. Idiots that blew all their credits and couldn’t pay when time came due but even they had some spine. Four guards was considered excessive for most people in such a position. To hire this many meant that Cassian’s target was seriously paranoid.

“Your fella nervous in the service?” You mutter with a wry smile. “Seems like a hell of a lot of people just for guard duty.”

“They’re not just guards.” Cassian spoke finally. His tone cool as he crouched down next to you. Concealing himself behind the scaffolding’s siding. The sound of his movements masked by the rain as it pelted loudly against the tarp above your heads.

“You been keeping secrets?” Your tone was guarded as you spoke. Preparing yourself for disappointment.

Cassian eyed you carefully, unsure how to approach the subject. Not wanting to anger you further by revealing more that he had kept from you.

Not that he wasn’t completely justified in doing so. It was his mission, his job as an intelligence officer, to keep things to himself. To hold onto the most valuable information till he could use it to his advantage. Keeping things from a partial recruit/partial prisoner of the Rebellion shouldn’t have been difficult. Yet as you held his gaze, a sea of emotions swirling within the hazel pools of your eyes, Cassian found it exceedingly difficult to not tell you everything.

He wanted to explain to you why there hadn’t been a chance for him to let you know he was leaving. His commanders had summoned him in the middle of the night and sent him off world immediately. Communications with anyone on Base One were strictly prohibited. So for two weeks the Captain remained radio silence. Typically it wasn’t the sort of thing that bothered him. It was part of the job yet each night he found himself reaching for his com link. Spinning it gently between his fingers. Aching to contact you, to tell you all that had happened. How he held his own against four bounty hunters during a bar fight in Arcadia and the truth of his mission target. Most of all he wanted to tell you how he had fought to bring you with him. How he had told his superiors that he could use the back up and it would be an excellent opportunity to have you back in the field.

Still they had refused, so he remained quiet. Shaking his head gently and ignoring the rain drops that fell from his hair as he did so.

Nodding slightly you turned your attention back to the guards. You knew Cassian was lying but pushed the thought to the back of your mind. Too busy counting heads, visible weapons, weak points, and anything that might help, to be bothered by the Captain’s continued dishonesty.

“Alright you stay here.” You whispered quietly. Reaching into your bag you quickly located your homemade silencer and screwed it onto your blaster’s barrel. “I’m gonna clear us a path.”

“The hell?” Cassian asked, his voice full of confusion and anger. He knew you were pissed at him but that didn’t excuse you getting yourself killed while he watched. “I know you’re mad at me for leaving but we’d have more of a chance if you let me help.”

“I am.” You snapped a little too harshly. “Look I heard you’re one of the best snipers in the Rebellion.”

Reaching into your bag you pulled out the various pieces of your rifle and began swiftly assembling them together.

“I know you’re used to a BlasTech A280 but this is similar.” You continued, jamming the stock in place before re-configuring your scope and handing it to Cassian. “Made it myself. It’s got a few mods, like that button.”

Inching closer your pointed to a small raised button near the trigger.

“This will allow you to lock onto multiple targets at a single time. No more than three.”

Cassian wasn’t sure what shocked him more, the pristine quality of a rifle you had made yourself or the blasé why in which you spoke of it. Pressing it into his hands as casually as if it were a scarf you knitted rather than an advanced mechanical weapons creation.

“Now you’re gonna wanna lean into that stock tight because it kicks a hell of a lot more than a regular blaster.”

For a moment Cassian became lost. His eyes no longer glued to the rifle in his hands but its maker instead. If you had this sort of skill set locked away he couldn’t help but wonder what else you may be a capable of. A prospect that both intrigued and unnerved him.

“What?” You asked, slightly bemused at the far off look on the Captain’s face. As if something had suddenly occurred to him that he wasn’t prepared to process.

“Nothing.” He replied, his gaze ripped away from you like a hand on a hot stove.

Sighing you dumped your bag at your feet, it would only weigh you down. Securing your weapons you glanced over the side of the scaffolding again. Trying to determine where to start.

“I’m gonna try to get the angle on them.” You finally said as you tucked the last of your grenades into your jacket pocket. Cassian watched silently, the rifle already pressed into his shoulder. Finger switching off the safety. It was obvious he was ready, though when his eyes found you they were filled with concern. A sight you hadn’t seen since the first day on Yavin when you awoke in the medbay.

Could it be that after all of his callousness and secrets that the Captain was actually concerned for your well being?

You warned yourself against thinking of such things. Attachments were a liability. You knew that all too well. The thought ran so commonly through your brain it may as well have been tattooed onto it. Still you couldn’t help the swell in your stomach. The rise in your heart rate.

Perhaps you had been wrong. Maybe Cassian did care after all.

“Look, I didn’t pack many power cells.” You began, wiping the rain from your forehead and the hair out of your face. “So if I get into trouble down there, you make every shot count alright?”

Cassian didn’t reply, he simply nodded before placing the rifle over the side of the scaffolding and pressing his eye into the scope.

Slowly you crept around him and pulled yourself over the side. It was a ways down but you were sure footed. You were just about to begin your decent when something held you in place. Watching Cassian as he stood still as a stone. His eyes already searching for targets. Ready for a fight.

“And Cass.” You called out quietly, just enough to catch his attention and turn towards you. “Thanks for not leaving.”

Before his lips could form a reply you were gone. Easing your way down the wet steel of the scaffolding before finally reaching the ground below.

Cassian had never seen you fight, not truly, not in the field at least. As the rain continued its unsteady rhythm above his head he kept his focus on you. Worried yet eager to see what you were capable of.

Simply put, you exceeded his expectations.

You moved through the shadows and clung behind barriers and doorways without detection. With steady, quiet feet you over powered your enemies. As soon as your arms coiled around their necks it was only a moment of resistance before they each eventually fell. Crumbling to the ground in a limp heap. Despite who they may have been you were sure to roll them onto their sides less death find them.

You already had enough red in your ledger.

Yet for all of your quick maneuvers it wasn’t long before the others began to catch on. Gradually stumbling upon their passed out allies and fanning out. Looking for whomever was responsible. With weapons drawn they searched for you.

Now it was Cassian’s time to shine. Scurrying across the open ground you found yourself face to face with four guards. Three of them dropped in an instant. Blanketing both you and the last remaining guard in the pink mist of their sudden deaths.

For a moment you faltered but a moment was all it took. The guard was on you in an instant. His first jab nearly broke your jaw, the second certainly broke your ribs. The cry that tore its way out from deep inside your lungs was a reflex. A gasp for air as the pain coursed through you. Emanating from your side in white hot jolts.

You didn’t hear the shot. Only felt the concussive force as the body on top of you was jerked suddenly back. This time more than blood rained down upon you and you had to rip off your hood just to wipe it away. Tossing it aside along with the reality of what you had just seen. Of what you had been only inches away from.

A life ended in a instant because of you.

By the time Cassian made his way down to you, you were able to ignore most of the pain. Tucking it away as you pulled yourself to your feet.

The hiss that escaped your lips should have given you away but Cassian didn’t seem to notice. You knew he almost certainly had but you were grateful he hadn’t said anything.

“Onward?” You asked with a forced grin, trying to hide the anguish on your face.

Hesitantly Cassian nodded, though he insisted he take point and that you cover your backs. Normally you may have argued but he was stronger than you, at least at the moment, and your pride wouldn’t keep you from getting killed.

Following his instruction you fell in line. Keeping pace with one another. Staying close and low, head constantly on a swivel.

Turns out the Captain was far lighter on his feet than you had suspected. Making quick work of the guards he overpowered before dumping them silently to the floor.

The two of you worked in perfect tandem. Fluid in your movements as you coordinated your attacks. Striking at the gaps in between armor. Taking cover when necessary. Providing suppressive fire as the other out flanked your enemies until eventually only the two of you were left.

Covered in blood, sweat, and blaster oil. The braids in your hair had came undone leaving you looking somewhat disheveled. Both Cassian and yourself sported freshly busted lips. Bright red and still bleeding. You hadn’t came out unscathed but you were still drawing breath.

The blaster bolt that rang over your head a second later very nearly changed that.

In the blink of an eye Cassian had grabbed you by the waist and thrown you down behind cover. The weight of his body fell heavy atop your back as he pressed his head as close to yours as possible. A covey of bolts rang above you. Chipping away at the stone barrier that stood between your physical well being and being blasted into oblivion.

Quickly you reached into your pocket and pulled out one of your grenades. Sliding it into Cassian’s hand you waited for the moment you felt his weight shift. Heard the snap of the pin being pulled. The ping ping of metal on concrete before the blast.

When it finally came you hardly felt it. Cassian’s body had covered yours entirely and sustained most of the impact. Shielding you from the shards of shrapnel that dug their way into his flesh. His arms cradled about your head as his palms pressed against your ears. Suppressing the ringing that always followed an explosive going off in close proximity.

“He’s running!” Cassian shouted, on his feet in an instant. Weapon drawn and in hot pursuit of his target. “Arrik get back here!”

At last Cassian called his target by his name. Placing all his anger into a single word. As he sprinted ahead of you, dodging bolts and leaping over tables you struggled to keep up. When you finally rounded the last doorway you found Cassian on the ground. His target beneath him as the two struggled for the man’s weapon.

Without a second thought you swung the full force of your foot into the man’s face and felt the teeth crack underneath. When he again reached for his weapon you kicked him a second time for good measure. Propelling his body sideways as blood and teeth burst from his mouth.

“Where is Roland?” You spat, squatting down as Cassian rolled the man over. Pressing his knee into the man’s spine Cassian held the barrel of his blaster at the base of the man’s skull. He had killed men with their own weapons before. The irony of it had been lost on him long ago.

“Fuck off!”

Sharing a quick glance with Cassian you gave him a slight nod. A silent agreement to take things how ever far need be. Quickly Cassian gripped the man’s right arm and stretched it out against the cold ground

“Where is Roland?” You pressed again.

“Suck my dick you stupid cunt!” He spat, blood covering your face for a third time. You calmly wiped it away, not giving him the satisfaction of seeing you squirm, but something inside Cassian snapped like a cheap lock.

In the blink of an eye Cassian held the man’s elbow firmly against the ground while jerking his wrist upwards in the opposite direction.

The sight alone was sickening but the sound of cracking bones made it even worse. Swallowing the lump in your throat you watch the man flail around widely as he cried out curses in a foreign language.

“Where.” You began, standing up straight.

“Is.” You continued, stepping closer. Raising your foot above the man’s broken arm.

“Roland?” You shouted, your foot coming down with the full weight of your body. Shattering what little bone still lay beneath.

“Third floor! Last door on the left!” He sobbed. The blood on his face mixing with salty tears. It never surprised you how quickly men could crumble. Toss their convictions to the wind.

With a quick glance in Cassian’s direction you disappeared back inside the building. Dashing down the various hallways. When you finally found the stairs you took them two at a time. You breath felt ragged in your chest and your side ached with every step but you ran with reckless abandon until you reached the last door on the left. Pressing the door open you were met with darkness.

“You better just fucking kill me. I ain’t telling you shit.” Roland’s gruff voice was like music to your ears. Reaching into your bag you pulled out a small glow rod and turned it on. Immediately illuminating the room.

Your breath hitched in your throat at the sight of Roland. His face a mangled mess of black and blue. Sticky blood clinging to his swollen skin. Tired feet pulled you forward until your arms had draped about him. Ignoring his grumbles as you squeezed him tightly.

“I was so worried. I thought you might be dead.” You breathed a sigh of relief as you spoke. The feeling of the crass pilots heartbeat against your chest.

“How the fuck did you manage to find me?” He asked, for all his cuts and bruises his personality appeared unaffected. “Stop hugging me dammit and get me out of these cuffs.”

“I’ll explain on the flight back.” You replied, making quick work of undoing Roland’s binds and helping him to his feet.

“What about that shit stain Arrik?” Roland asked, coughing into his hand as he limped at your side.

“Cassian’s got him out back. Hasn’t broken all his bones yet if you’d like to do the honors.” You laughed gently, the taste of copper slowly filling your mouth.

“Oh I’ve got an idea or two.”

Gradually the two of you found your way outside. Cassian no longer sat atop his former ally, instead he stood over him. His back against the wall as he cleaned his blaster. The man on the ground, the traitorous piece of trash, wouldn’t die from his wounds but seemed nearly on the verge of blacking out.

“Where are my guns Arrik?” Roland shouted, kicking the man roughly in the back. “Where are my fucking guns?”

“It’s complicated.” Arrik managed to gasp out.

It was an unsatisfactory reply by Roland’s standards and earned his former torturer another swift kick.

“I sold them.” He croaked out. Blood splattering the ground beneath him with every word. “I owed someone.”

“You owed the Rebellion.” Cassian said, pushing himself from his spot on the wall and coming to stand at Roland’s side.

“I’d say you bet on the wrong Fathier.” You added, a glimmer of sarcasm beneath your icy tone as you stepped closer to Roland. His legs shaking ever so slightly as he struggled to support himself.

“Just give me more time-“

“I might have if you hadn’t tried to fucking kill me!” Roland snapped, ripping the dried blood atop his busted lip and creating a new crimson stream that inched down his jaw. “Who has my guns?”

“The Whispers.” Arrik replied, utterly defeated. “I owed the Whispers.”

“What?” Roland and you asked in unison. Exchanging confused glances between one another.

“They’re aren’t many left.” Arrik continued frantically. The desperate attempts of a man who knows his end is near, but is unwilling to accept it. “Take me with you and we can get them back. We can wipe em all out. Take what we what.”

From out of the corner of your eye you spot Cassian passing his blaster into Roland’s hand. You know what’s coming next and even though you’d prefer to look away you won’t.

“Even for you Arrik.” Roland said, his eyes never once glancing down to the weapon in his hands. His fingers found the safety and trigger by memory. “That’s a stupid fucking idea.”

With three quick blasts Arrik met his end in a cold alley on Nar Shaddah. A sight better than scum like him deserved.

“Now what?” You asked calmly, craning your neck to look at the clouded sky over head. It would rain again soon. You could already feel the chill as the night grew colder. The hairs on the back of your neck rising like soldiers called to attention.

“We get our guns back.” Roland replied. His body may have been weak but his voice was strong. His will even more so.

“And how are you planning on doing that?” You asked, unsure if Roland was being serious or just loopy from all the hits it appeared he took to the face.

From out of the darkness a voice replied. “I may be able to help with that.”

Sighing you closed your eyes tightly. At your side both Cassian and Roland shifted, turning their bodies towards the sound while raising their weapons. Preparing themselves for whatever came next. You; however, remained fixed. Your feet un-moving as you pressed the space between your eyes firmly. Trying to will away the headache that had suddenly bloomed there.

From out of the shadows stepped the face of an old friend. A former ally you hadn’t expected to ever see again. Slowly you turned on your heel. Tossing on a fake smile that you had no intention of hiding.

“Hello Maiv.” Your voice was steady as you spoke. Not even the slightest of hints to the chaos that currently raged inside of you. A fire left to constantly simmer beneath the surface. Threatening at any moment to break free and wreak the havoc you felt on a daily basis.

Maiv’s carmel eyes were stern as she stepped closer. Careful to move slowly and prevent being surrounded. She was alone and you had two veteran Rebels at your side; albeit it was more like one and a half considering Roland’s current state.

“Its been a long time.” She said, shifting her weight and hissing through her teeth. From the looks of it she too had taken some form of a beating that night. Her lip, like your own, was busted and bloody. You took note of the fact that she seemed to keep her weight on her left leg while the sleeve of her right arm was darkened with blood.

“Wait you two know each other?” Cassian hurried to your side as he spoke. Pointing between yourself and Maiv.

“Its a long story.” You replied curtly, desperate to avoid countless explanations and turning your attention away from Cassian. Unfazed by the look of disappointment on his face. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t kept secrets from you. Stepping closer to your old friend you couldn’t help but notice the new scars she wore.

A line stretched down her forehead and split her eyebrow. Its color a slightly lighter shade than the dark skin around it. She had stopped tying her hair back and allowed it to grow naturally. Perhaps in an attempt to hide the burns on the side of her neck or simply to blend in with the crowd. Either way, it only made her stand out more. Maiv had always been a beauty; even so, her cheeks looked sunken and dark circles hung beneath her tired eyes. It had been less than a year since the two of you had seen each other last but it felt as if decades had passed.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, now holding her right arm gently as she looked you up in down. No doubt taking note of your Rebellion issued clothing and the splotches of blood that covered them.

“Businesses.” You replied sardonically, unsure of just how comfortable you felt; yet, unable to filter yourself. “You’re looking rough.”

“Said the kettle.” Maiv chuckled, a smile gracing her face for a moment before disappearing entirely. “Look I know why you’re here.”

“Then you know that the guns this idiot.” You stepped aside to reveal what was left of Arrik’s body. “Belong to the Rebellion and I want them back.”

“It doesn’t work like that Ash.” All the comfortable familiarity was gone from Maiv’s voice.

“The hell it doesn’t” You snapped, the pain surging through your body fueled your temper.

“Look.” She began, eyeing each of you carefully as she held up her hands. “I’ll get you your guns back-”

“Here it comes.” Roland shook his head as she spoke, earning himself a death glare from Maiv.

“But.” She enunciated mockingly. Leaning in Roland’s direction and rolling her eyes as she spoke before gradually returning her attention to you. “I need you to do something for me.”

“How many credits we talking?” You asked after only a moment of consideration. Money was always an easy out because everyone, no matter how noble, has their price.

“I don’t give a damn about credits.” She scoffed, taking you slightly off guard as she shook her head ever so slightly. Her eyes peering into your own. Pulling at the hatch in your mind where you had hidden away the memories of the past two decades.

Maiv knew without a doubt that you still considered her a friend. Even after all that had happened. More than that, Maiv knew your weakness: your allies. You had always been fiercely loyal and unwilling to bend when it came to the people you cared about. It was for this reason she knew you wouldn’t harm her. That in of itself was enough of a reason to trust you.

You had given her the benefit of the doubt and could only hope you wouldn’t come to regret it.

“I need something smuggled off world.” Maiv said, a faint hint of desperation to her tone. It may have gone unnoticed among the others but to you it rang loud and clear.

“I’m not running spice for you.” You exclaimed instantly. Shaking your head fervently while trying to push the memory of perhaps your worst job as a smuggler as far to the back of your mind as possible.

“It’s not spice!” She hissed.

Behind you came the distant sound of troopers. Faint orders being shouted through helmets and com links. Someone had undoubtedly reported all of the noise to the authorities. Both Cassian and yourself had equipped your weapons with silencers, and crude as they may be, they had worked well. Unfortunately stealth didn’t seem to be a prerogative of your now dead enemies. The sound of their weapons fire had echoed through out the sector. Truthfully you were surprised it had taken this long.

“Look I gotta move, ya in or ya out?” Maiv asked, walking backward towards the only visible exit.

A part of you told you to just cut your loses. Roland was alive and that was more than enough. Still, the idea of returning to Base One with a reclaimed weapons shipment appealed to your pride. If you really wanted the Rebellion to trust you, a gesture such as this should do the trick. That is assuming that don’t arrest you on sight for going AWOL the moment you land.

“Roland?” You glanced at the older man, awaiting his reply before planning your next move.

“I didn’t come this far and get my ass kicked just to come back empty handed.” He replied instantly, staggering forward with Cassian’s pistol gripped tightly beneath his fingers. “Follow the damn woman.”

The corners of your lips twisted into a half smile as the ragged pilot fell into line with Maiv. Passing you quickly as the voices in the distance moved closer. Turning to glance at Cassian you found him at your side. He had fared better than you;but, you had no doubt that he was in pain. His stoic expression hid it well but you had seen him take several blows over the course of the last hour.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Cassian muttered under his breath, his eyes following the silhouettes of Roland and Maiv into the darkness. Chuckling you stepped closer to the Captain until you were less than a foot apart.

“Nothing ventured.” You said, licking your thumb before leaning forward to wipe away the blood from Cassian’s lip. Again you felt it, that pull from before. The familiar tug at your heart that you had sworn to forever ignore. “Nothing gained.”

The words came out breathlessly, lingering in the small space between your’s and Cassian’s body. There was so much about the Captain you didn’t know and even less he knew of you. Even so, you smiled as you pulled him by the elbow. Content for now just to fight at his side.

#cassian andor imagine #cassian andor x reader #cassian imagine #cassian x reader #rogue one reader insert #rogue one fanfic #swfanfic #Counting Paths

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breathingwithdifficulty · 4 years

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im so fucking done of being stuck in the house with my own sister and it’s becoming very clear that her abusive tendencies haven’t really gone away. she has been commenting on what i eat and what i do during the day (which is not a whole lot but... it’s quarantine. sorry for actually listening to social distancing rules unlike everyone in my house and most of the people in my town). she knows im depressed but her constant negativity and criticism isn’t helping. the whole unfairness of our relationship has become really clear. i basically wait on her hand and foot and when i don’t do something she asks of me, she gets pissed and calls me “lame” or berates me like “its not even that hard” or just “seriously? it’ll take two seconds” like damn bitch do it yourself then. im not your servant just because im your nice little sister.

i don’t ever ask anything of her. literally can’t remember the last time i asked her to do anything for me. i only ever tell her to do stuff like “leave me alone” and “stop messing with that” and “please stop, seriously” and “that hurt” (physically or emotionally) and she NEVER i mean NEVER fucking listens. she doesn’t care. she thinks it’s funny to tease me and torment me and irritate me and then blames me for being too sensitive when i finally snap at her because im pissed off. damn, maybe if you weren’t making it hard for me to breathe by suddenly jumping on me and refusing to get up and leave me alone, i wouldn’t have to push you on the floor and yell at you to get out. maybe if you weren’t constantly hypocritical, i wouldn’t be so irritated with you all the time.

we both have to do our homework at home now which isn’t that big of a deal for me since i can focus a lot better than she can and i know that. but she’s so incredibly inconsiderate. she needs complete silence when she’s doing her homework and says it’s distracting for me to even walk past her when she’s working. so i stay silent. i put headphones in to listen to videos or zoom calls and i warn her if i have to record or talk. i try not to get up and get food or use the bathroom too often. im more than considerate.

however, whenever im doing my homework, she’s facetiming her friend, being on zoom calls without headphones and with the volume on high and her talking at full volume (EVEN AFTER i offered her to use my headphones for her calls multiple times because it’s distracting for me and she was like “of course im not gonna use headphones, that would look silly” like bruh) and singing and talking and literally SCREAMING. like wordless, just screaming because she gets frustrated with her work. bro, i get it. but shut the hell up. god, she would kill me if i did some of the things she does to me while she was working. id literally get cursed and yelled at.

she asks me pretty frequently if i think she’s a good person. i think she’s a good person sometimes. i think she’s too sensitive and can’t take any sort of criticism and lashes out at me because she thinks im pretentious and bratty. she’s straight up told me that she used to resent me (starting from when i was literally a BABY) and still kind of does. she says im much better than i used to be. the only reason she thinks that is because i stopped putting up as much of a fight against her. if i ever say something sassy or rude or even just defend myself, she claims im a dickhead brat who’s spoiled and has a bad attitude. really she’s just a sensitive little bitch.

ive lost four pounds in the past couple weeks because ive been eating less by tracking my calories. i haven’t really been eating a whole lot better but i think four pounds is a pretty good start considering how this is the first time ive really tried and committed to losing weight. but even my sister doesn’t think that’s enough.

i eat a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast. she walks up and says “you know, a bagel is equal to like 5 slices of bread.” yes i know. you’ve told me already this week. you told me a month ago. you keep telling me. im just trying to eat, dude, back off and stop trying to make me feel bad because im not eating fruit smoothies and salad and avocado toast like you are. i get it, you’re skinny and healthy and like to pretend you don’t know it but you and i both know that you do. call yourself fat all you want, but my friends have literally asked if you’re a model, you have maybe an inch thick of stomach fat, i can feel the bumps of your spine when i touch your back, and i can see your ribs when you stretch your arms up.

she knows it makes me feel bad when she calls herself fat and she does not care in the slightest. she’s like “oh im getting pretty chunky oh boy” and then ill make a comment about feeling fat and she’ll be like “oh you’re not fat” like bruh i know you think you’re chunky and i have a lot more fat than you do don’t lie to me.

she told me it makes her feel worse about her hairline when i comment about how im insecure about mine. so i stopped saying anything about it. i told her it makes me feel bad when she comments on how im not doing basic things right (cutting an apple, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, sweeping. all real examples of things she says im not good at and calls me stupid. how the fuck is someone BAD at sweeping? the floor’s clean now isn’t that what matters?) and she said “well practice makes perfect” and i told her it makes me feel even worse about myself and she was just like “well you don’t know how to clean and you need to learn.”

i know how to clean. ive cleaned my room. ive cleaned the kitchen. ive cleaned our shared bathroom (she came home when i was just finishing up after deep cleaning it and even doing the parts she said she would do because i was just that nice. she immediately criticized me and said i had cleaned with the wrong cleaner and needed to reclean the whole thing again. i said no because that’s ridiculous and it was about to turn into a fight so like the pushy i am i gave in and cleaned. the whole. bathroom. again. but with a different cleaner that wasn’t “greasy” and “only for oil and grease, not bathrooms” and “smelled bad” because that really matters in the long run i guess). i just don’t do it the quickest or maybe the most efficient or the way she would do it but literally WHO CARES. if the floor is swept why does it matter that i didn’t do it as fast as you would. goddamn.

she came into my room while i was drawing on my digital tablet today. i showed her how it worked and everything and she asked to see something that id drawn and i said no (ive never been comfortable showing my art to other people that aren’t strangers online (lol) and she has consistently taken sketchbooks directly from my hands or gone through them when i was in a different room despite me telling her multiple times not to) and she kept asking for a reason and i just said i didn’t want to. she kept interrogating me and i was like “i don’t know what you want me to say” and she was like “i want a logical answer why you won’t show me” and of course i didn’t really have one and so i was just like “i don’t really have one, i just don’t wanna show you because it makes me uncomfortable” and she got pissy and left. fine, leave, don’t want you in here anyways. stop being so offended that you don’t get unfiltered access to everything in my life.

she’s a biology major. im trying to decide on a vague idea for my future major and i can’t remember how it was brought up but i said something about going into STEM and possibly biology and she was like. “aw don’t do that. i mean if it really makes you happy then go ahead but ill be upset and probably a little pissed.” which okay i get that a bit (eh) but ive never even thought about going into bio so she doesn’t have to worry and i told her as much. and then i asked why she wouldn’t want me to and she was like “because everyone knows you’d be better than me at it and i just want to have like... my thing” (i get that too (but maybe if you did your work on time and actually went to class then you’d be better at it. but whatever)) and i said i probably wouldn’t be better but i get that or whatever. and then i think she made a joke and i laughed and she was a few seconds later like “why do you look so smug? like you’re happy about the fact that i think you’re better than me” and i was like “that’s literally not true” and she was like “everyone likes feeling like they’re smart and you feel like you’re better than me and you’re smug about it” (or something like that) and i had to convince her that not i literally do not and am not smug. damn bitch, insecure much? that pissed me off that she would think that low of me to assume that i ENJOYED her insecurities and felt like i was smarter than her. wow. ive told her countless times in depth and with detail that i believe we both have strengths and weakness and neither of us are better than the other, and she still doesn’t believe me. but whatever.

it’s constant, little things like that. ive always managed to let a lot of them slide and that is one of the only reasons she thinks im such a good sister. that and i lie to her a lot about how i feel about her. she says stuff like “im surprised you haven’t killed me in my sleep yet, you’re too good to me, ive been terrible to you” but still continues. but whatever. ive only been waiting for her to move out for four years now, i guess i can wait a few more months (hopefully only that).

she says she’ll get pissed if i don’t call her every week once we aren’t living together and so i say i will but. i don’t want to. i don’t want to tell her about my life and my worried just to have her criticize them or say im being ridiculous. i don’t want to have to live like this forever. im so tired. so so tired.

im not saying it’s all bad. sometimes our donut runs at 2am are nice. and sometimes she is interested in what im doing when no one else is. sometimes, she gives good advice. sometimes we talk for hours on end. she’s one of the first people i go to when im having problems with me my mom. i trust her with somethings. it’s not all bad

but her constant emotional and verbal abuse has shaped me into a scared, pushover little girl with insecurities, trust issues, and guilt. she’s always said i was the favorite and laughs now and says “i think me being mean to you when we were younger was good for you, it too you down a few pegs so now you’re not so spoiled.” it also traumatized me and gave me self esteem issues, but yeah, haha, at least im not a spoiled brat (but to you, i still am, but only when i don’t do what you want or say what you want me to say). thanks for that.

anyways, it’s been a while since ive made a long rant. it’s past 4am and i woke up at 2:30pm today so it’s probably time to sleep and dread waking up in the morning. nice.

4.18.20 4:22AM

#food mention #ed tw #not specifically mentioned but i talked about weight and body image #body image tw #depression tw #emotional abuse #abuse tw #sisterly chronicles #.mine

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