#i am truly ashamed that i didn't catch this

[barcaatthemoon]

guard dog || lucy bronze x reader ||

lucy cheers you up when the internet has it out for you.

"i think i'm gonna go lighter with my hair."

you had no idea the trouble those words were going to cause you. lucy had tried hard to keep you out of the spotlight, but it wasn't as easy as when you first started dating. you'd been with lucy since college, and over the years, fans had taken notice of you frequenting lucy's games. it wasn't until the euros, however, that lucy had finally confirmed your relationship.

it wasn't good for you to be on any social media when it felt like every other post was about you. you had dealt with a bit from fans before, but this was worse than you could have ever imagined. it was one thing to be accused of cheating by strangers, but it was the constant affirmations of things that you already thought about your relationship and yourself that got to you.

lucy was amazing, and you had never felt like you were right for her. she was always too smart or too ind for you. she was out of your league attractive. lucy bronze was too good for you, and it felt like millions of people agreed with that.

"hey, are you okay?" lucy's brows furrowed as she watched you lean forward. you were starting to hyperventilate as the world felt like it closed in on you. lucy rushed over to kneel beside you and tilt your head to look at her. "hey, what's going on?"

"i didn't cheat on you, i swear." it was something lucy already knew. you knew that she was well aware that you would never even think to do something like that, but it was all you could say. you needed to reassure her in case she saw the pictures and didn't recognize herself.

"i know that, i never said you did." lucy would have laughed if you weren't obviously so upset. "talk to me, what's going on?"

"the pictures after you got your hair done, when we met for lunch. i took your car, and they don't know what the other looked like. your hair was different, they think i'm cheating. they know that i don't deserve you," you rambled. lucy pulled you into her arms and held you against her chest. she ran her hands through your hair as she pressed gentle kisses to your temple.

"hey, it's okay. i will get this sorted out, i promise. can you go downstairs and pick out a takeout menu for us? i know that you were gonna cook, but not if you're upset. i want you to just relax for the night," lucy said. she gave you a squeeze before she let you go downstairs.

it wasn't easy, but you managed to take your mind off of everything after lucy hijacked your phone. lucy ordered your favorite takeout, even if she knew a few places that served the same thing that she liked better. you were truly pampered in a way that you hadn't been in a while. lucy was a busy woman at barcelona, not that she had ever been anything else. this was just different, and things often took up a lot more of her time than either of you expected.

"am i done with phone jail?" you asked lucy as the two of you laid out on the couch the next afternoon. lucy had helped you with breakfast in the morning, although you didn't let her lay a finger on your coffee. the two of you had spent most of the day catching up on the american sports that you had been missing out on.

"i don't know. do you promise not to make fun of me if you see anything too sappy?" lucy asked you. she looked a bit ashamed of herself, as if she had done something hastily last night. you knew that lucy could be fiercely protective over you. she had nearly beaten up one of her teammates when the two of you moved here and the girl had gotten too friendly with you for lucy's taste.

"that depends on what you did. lucy please tell me that you didn't say anything to get yourself in trouble." you stared at lucy, who just handed you back your phone. she tried to shift away from you, but you threw your weight down more securely on top of her. you opened up instagram to see that lucy had tagged you in a post. "aw baby."

you swiped through the pictures, each one from a different milestone in your relationship. they weren't necessarily your favorite pictures, but you knew that they were lucy's. there wasn't a single one where one of you didn't have a lovestruck look on your faces. most of them were lucy staring at you, but you definitely took note of the few thrown in where you looking at her like she was your everything.

"shut up," lucy grumbled. you looked at her with fresh tears in your eyes, and lucy just sighed to herself. "fuck, this wasn't supposed to make you cry."

"i love you so much," you said as you cupped her cheeks. lucy let you kiss her, but she tried to hide her face immediately once you were done. "you're so sweet. thank you for this."

"just stay off of twitter for a while," lucy told you. you nodded your head, but as soon as you went into one of your text chains with the few of her teammates you had befriended over the years, you saw what she wanted to hide from you. lucy was a woman of few words most of the time, but when she had something to say, she made sure to get her point across. you thought she was being a bit harsh, but lucy's message was sure to shut everybody up about getting at you.

[fuwaprince]

👉👈 Hi friends! I have a long, serious post made just for you(!) that isn't full of spoilers, smut or mooning lawn gnomes. Please read if you can, this is a 💥 mutual aid request 💥

It has been a horribly painful and long while as most people following/keeping up with me know. and in a few days I'm going to be down $1500, which is basically all my fucking $

I can't afford Christmas for anybody, which sucks and I'm very sorry. I can't even take care of myself and haven't been, which also sucks and I'm very sorry

Landlords spontaneously raised rent on me more than halfway through this month as punishment for not getting to my house chores and not communicating, to be totally honest with you. I feel ashamed and awful about it but I didn't want to clean the place while multiple ppl living here had tested positive for COVID and kept walking around unmasked... I am not fully vaxxed because I've been too depressed to get any kind of necessary medical care done and I didn't want to catch COVID in the middle of my finals week for the semester. I woke up to being angrily and rudely bitched at first thing after the last of my finals (I passed at least). It wasn't a humanizing text. Fuck the mistreatment though. Rent is now almost doubled and it won't be lowered

There was no room for negotiation and I truly believe they've resorted to pricing me out of living here because the group of renters psychologically tormenting me wasn't effective (actually- putting a picture of my rapist on the fridge rly was super effective in getting me to isolate myself in my room all day and so was outing me as trans to the transphobic ass neighbors.... But I didn't and still don't have any place better to move out to, like the way they were hoping I would. Yes, I have looked and BEGGED btw)

I want out of here NOW, but I can't leave. I tried and had to come back because it was the best option. I can't afford to stay in a motel/hotel/BnB just to get away from them for a day or two during Christmas. I don't have any friends who I can spend the holiday with either. During the semester, I resorted to convincing classmates with keys to locked buildings to let me crash in them while they worked at night and I would leave before anybody showed up. Now that school is out, I can't do that. I don't have any family I can reach out to for support or friends who I can depend on for immediate help. I have been crying day in and day out for weeks. I have records of it posted throughout my blog. Literally crying for days on end. I'm being so fucking transparent

All that lump of text is to explain to whoever is out there, who might be listening and willing and able, to please consider helping me, if and ONLY IF able. I know times are tough and if you'd rather use your $ for other reasons or just don't have any to spare, don't sweat it and take care! 🫂

I've thought about what I could do for a long time and have helped myself how I can. It isn't enough. I've applied for so much assistance. Been approved and been sabotaged by my inhumane mom (who does not love me) via stealing my legal documents and letters and hiding them for months. My mind jumps to grim places but I'm clinging for dear life to whatever hope I have left that says things will get better. I wish I knew somebody with a business that I could work for. Part of me feels so fucking terrible for asking for help because I feel like a waste of all your resources. I feel like I shouldn't ask, like I really do not fucking deserve help, but there are friends online who care, who I know mentioned being interested in helping in whatever ways they can

So to the people who care to seriously me, I'm ready to accept it: please send me nice words to get through this and feel less alone. It feels pathetic to ask but I would love a nice letter. A nice card even. Kind words of any kind would go a long way. It means more to me than food. I have felt so broken and every day feels like a test to figure out how badly I actually want to live

I'm also leaving my cash app and paypal here in case anybody would like to do more than what I'm comfortable asking but probably very likely will inevitably need very very soon. I will be left with fucking nothing and I will have no idea what to do once rent is paid

Thank you to those of you who have sent love, offered to listen and heard me out. I really wish it wasn't so hard to survive. I'm trying to feel better knowing there are people out there who are also without help and hoping the best, but it doesn't make me feel any better or comforted tbh. I just wish the help was there for us. I wish there was a place to go for spare love, care, compassion, empathy, kindness, humanity, generosity... I need that more than I need $. Call me stupid but that's what I live for. I don't live for paying to survive in terrible conditions. I live for love and to smile with friends

I hope to write back to the friends who have already been so kind as to message me soon btw. I'm sorry for not replying sooner. Your overwhelming support is sincerely sweet and sometimes I cry because I can't believe people are so nice (to me???). It'll give me something to do that doesn't make me feel like dying! :') so thank you thank you thank you *fist bump*

Hope you're all doing as well as you can and that somehow things get better. Hope anybody else struggling like me doesn't make the mistake of isolating like a sick and dying animal. You deserve love. You deserve support. Don't be like me. Have the courage to reach out to the people who care about you for help as early on into your emergency as possible. Don't let your situation snowball because you spend so long trying to figure out if you're worth it!!! This Random Tumblr user is here to tell you that YOU ARE. Sending my infinite everlasting unconditional love. Be nice to yourselves. Be nice to each other. Fuck the hateful assholes who wish I would just kill myself already. Tell your friends you love them. Happy Holidays!!!

And here's a single picture of a mooning lawn gnome at the very end, as a treat! I told you this post wasn't full of it.... It just ended with it 👉👉

[navybrat817]

Is spitfire ready for the race?

Hmm. Mostly yes.

Friendly Competition

Pairing: Motocross!Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: You make a new "friend" before the race starts.

Word Count: Over 1.1k

Warnings: Cattiness, Nat being awesome, talk of motocross!Bucky Barnes (he’s a warning, okay?)

Graphics talent and thanks: Banner by @sgt-seabass. Divider by @saradika. Header by yours truly.

A/N: Hothead and Spitfire have made an impression, haven't they? ❤️ Not beta read and written on my phone, so any and all mistakes are my own. Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

You didn't take a seat right away as Nat led you to the stands. She didn't seem to mind as she stood by you, even with the race getting ready to start. Maybe she sensed that you were a bit antsy and politely didn't rush you.

Your gaze settled on a photographer near the tracks and you hoped she snapped a photo of Bucky. It made no sense why you wanted that. It's not like you'd see the pictures. Plus you already saw how hot he looked in the earlier photos Nat showed you. 

With his stupidly gorgeous eyes and hair and those fucking lips that-

"Nervous?" Natasha cut into your thoughts. 

"I'm not," you said, the corner of your lip tugging a bit. "Maybe a little. I told you, I want Bucky to win."

"And I told you he will. I'm always right, you know. At least I act like I am."

"So humble," you joked, but her confidence helped you relax. 

"Extremely. Let's go sit."

"Natasha! Hi!"

"Shit," she said under her breath. A redhead, a shade or so lighter than your friend's hair, walked over and blocked your path before you could go into the stands. She carried herself with confidence, her shoulders back and not acknowledging anyone else around her. You did your best to make your own judgments on people, but your friend's reaction didn't paint her in a good light. 

I wonder why that is.

"It's so good to see you!"

"Dolores," Natasha said in a clipped tone.

"Did you do something different with your hair? I didn't think the bob cut was back, but you pull it off," Dolores commented with what appeared to be an insincere smile.

Oh. That could be part of the disdain.

You knew well enough that not everyone could be honest and straightforward, but you never understood passive aggressive compliments. Were they even compliments at that point? Why be sneaky?

Be a bitch and own it or be nice.

"No one has complained yet," Natasha curtly responded before you could speak up. 

Dolores either didn't catch the tone or ignored it as she turned her attention to you. "And you must be the new girl I just heard about. I'm looking forward to us being friends," she said, taking a step back so she could look you over. "I love your skirt. Interesting choice for the tracks."

"Thanks. Nat suggested it and, as you already know, she has great taste and style," you said, not at all ashamed or intimidated by her judging gaze.

Like you felt slightly protective of Bucky earlier, you felt the same for Nat.

"Isn't that nice?" Dolores asked, her lip twitching when you didn't cower under her stare. "So nice for her to take the new girl under her wing."

"New girl". That label again. 

"I actually have a name outside of 'new girl'," you said, stating it for her.

"Well, I'm Dolores. Most people call me Dot," her smile widened again. "And some of the boys were just talking about you over there. Heard you made quite an impression on Bucky."

"I'm shocked you've heard anything about me, especially so quickly. Guess good news travels fast."

Dolores bristled, but quickly regained her composure. "I know we aren't best friends yet, but us girls have to stick together. So I thought you should know that some of the boys are pegging you as a, well, pit lizard," she exaggeratedly whispered at the end, like it was a big secret. 

"That's bullshit," Natasha spoke, glancing at you. "They wouldn't."

"I'm just repeating what I heard. I'm trying to warn her," Dolores said with a hint of sympathy in her gaze. It would have worked if not for the mocking tone. "Do you know what that means?"

Oh, I do love the condescension. 

"Groupie for riders? Yeah, I'm familiar with the term," you shrugged slightly. "Did the boys also mention that Bucky kind of asked me on a date?"

The lighter redhead stood up straighter, her eyes narrowing as some of the "friendliness" began to chip away. 

"Something wrong, Dolores?" you asked. 

"He what?"

"He asked her out on a date," Natasha smirked.

"No, he didn't."

"He did," you nodded. "He also didn't give me the impression that he pegged me for a pit lizard. I can't imagine Nat would encourage me to date him if he did."

"I dated him," Dolores blurted out.

The plot thickens.

"It was one date," Natasha said to you under her breath.

"And you should be careful with him," your new "friend" warned as she strode forward. You refused to step backward. "Wouldn't want you to get hurt."

"Are you threatening her?" your actual friend asked, shifting her stance to put you slightly behind her. "Because that isn't a good idea."

It's nice to have a protective friend. 

"It's okay. I'm sure she's just being friendly," you said before Dolores had a chance to answer. You leaned in a little like you were going to whisper a secret. "I think I'll be just fine with Bucky, but thanks. You also have lipstick on your teeth. Thought you should know.

Dolores muttered something unpleasant under her breath when she moved around you and stormed away. 

"Good to see you, Dolores," Natasha said even though she was out of earshot at that point. "Lipstick? Really?"

"What? She did," you said truthfully. "I'd want someone to point it out to me."

"You okay?"

"Just fine," you said when she raised an eyebrow. "It's not a bullshit answer. It's a jealous ex."

Wait. Does one date make you an ex?

"She's right though. You really are making quite an impression on people here," she said, taking your arm so the two of you could finally sit down. "You have Bucky and Maddox making bets over you. Now Dolores is threatened by you."

And I'm not even racing. 

"You make me sound like one of those Mary Sue characters who gets everyone's attention for no reason whatsoever."

"You mean you aren't the most special kind of special person there is?" Nat teased, giving a friendly nod to another girl as you passed by. 

"No, I'm just the shiny new toy everyone wants to play with," you joked back. "I don't have anything to worry about with her, do I?"

"Like what? Competing for Bucky's affection? Trust me. That ship didn't sail. It sank."

You snorted a bit. "Funny."

"Really though. You have nothing to worry about. We have your back," she said, taking a seat. "Besides, a little friendly competition never hurt anyone."

"So, Bucky is a prize now?" you asked as you sat beside her.

"Neither one of you are prizes, but I still think you're both going to come out on top in the end."

With Bucky determined to win the race, you had a feeling Nat was right. 

You just had to make sure Dolores didn't stick a knife in your back when you weren't looking.

Should we worry? Nah. Love and thanks! ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Dialed In Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi

[artsyanapink]

RAPHAEL X TIEFLING TAV

So again, don't think it is dubcon because Tav wants it but she is too ashamed to admit it. 😩

I NEED THIS DEVIL 🫠

You had finally set foot in Baldur's Gate, after all these weeks of fighting the cult of the Absolute and searching a cure for the tadpole in your head, your group was still at the starting point.

For now, you were visiting the city again. It changed a lot since the last time you were there, before been abducted on the nautiloid. You passed merchants, citizens and animals until a building catch your eyes. "Sharess's Caress?"

Something seemed to strangely pull you towards it. Wyll seemed to sense it. "A brothel? I think we should find a place to rest instead for now."

Astarion laughed dryly next to him. "You should learn to relax from time to time for a bit of fun."

"You and I know both well that we have a different kind of fun, Astarion." The warlock respond uncomfortably.

Karlach didn't respond anything yet but you knew she didn't look too fond of the idea of entering. You turn to them, persuasive. "It can't be that bad, can't it?"

Oh, how wrong you were.

You were immediately welcome by the owner of the brothel the second you pass the door. She suggests you a selection of people to have a good time with but you weren't interested.

"Are there anyone else?" You asked curiously, feeling your compagnions eyes behind you.

There was a pregnant pause as she gazed upstairs, then turn to you with a grin. "It seems that the devil's den is not occupied anymore. You would have a great time with him." The woman eyes you up and down and you feel naked despite wearing your armor. "He is truly a charming fellow. I am sure you would have a great time."

You thank her, wondering who the owner was talking about. You had a little idea and that made you even more drawn to find out. You walk upstairs, searching for the room she mentionned and opening the door, you were met with the githyanki general leaving the room in angry steps, then the devil's eyes on you.

"For fuck sake...Are you kidding me?" You could hear the other tiefling grunt.

You feel trapped when his eyes met yours. He was in his human form, knuckles under his chin in false thought as a smirk graced his lips. "My, my, the little mouse finally crawls to the cat claws, time and luck ran out. Have you finally lost all solutions after all this time?"

Did you? You know you tried. Nettie, the hag, Halsin...All of them couldn't help and although your vampiric friend decided with happiness to use the tadpole powers (for selfish reasons, you didn't judge) you weren't and Raphael was right, you were lost, but that wasn't the first thought on why you entered the devil's den.

You frown and your tail sway, knowning he could easily read you like a book. You turn to your compagnions with sweaty hands. "I'll join you guys later. I need to talk to him in private."

They all seem to disapprove beside Astarion. You knew how he would go for a deal with a devil than returning back to Cazador. The others however, Wyll and Karlach, weren't on the same side. "Don't you fucking dare sell your sould to that cambion!

You try to calm the stronger woman. "Karlach..."

You hear a clap. "Now, let's talk about the deal." The smell of sulfur passes your nose. Raphael had changed in his cambion form. He cracks his head and rolls his shoulders back.

"I never agreed to make a deal." You frown and cross your arms. "And even if I was, I still don't know what you want in return."

He walked closer with a grin. "There was something." The devil pauses, flamed eyes looking at you. "but changes happened." His vague response only makes your brows crease deeper and he laughs at your expression. "Don't look at me like that, little mouse." He snaps his fingers, transporting your friends elsewhere, probably outside the room. "I already found another way to retrieve it." You still didn't know what he was talking about. "As for you," Raphael places two fingers under your chin. "I have grown found of you—in my own devilish ways. I want you to serve me."

What? "Serve you? Don't you have damned souls to do so already?"

The cambion let out a devious chuckle. "Let me rephrased it." His grip turns rougher, claws slightly scratching your skin and his voice threatening. "You will serve me." His face returns neutral.

You stay immobile with wide eyes, your body getting warmer. You couldn't believe you were liking this in the bottom of your mind. Raphael seems to sense it, a smug smile on his face.

You sigh. Your compagnions will hate you forever if they know about this but you would lie to yourself if you say you weren't drawn to the devil since the first meeting. "On one condition." Raphael's listening, so you continue. "You give me the hammer to free Orpheus and let me save Baldur's Gate." You loved the city and you didn't want weeks of efforts to go in vain.

"Such autority." Raphael let go of your chin with a sneer. "You have a deal." A contract appeared in front of you, the fire illuminating the room. You read the infernal lines carefully before signing and the paper disappeared.

After it did, the devil didn't waste time. He snakes a hand in your curved horns and tug. You whine, eyes directly at him with a glare but he only looks nonchalantly at you. "On your knees."

"You could've asked—" You let out a moan involontary as Raphael tugs again on it, your face closer to his now.

"And where is the fun in that, little mouse? The cat is hunting for what he chased." His smile faded a moment as he says his next words. "On your knees."

You kneel while never breaking eyes contact with the devil. Raphael's glowing eyes looks down at you and a part feel natural, to be below him. A unholy dream that was coming true. One you never told anyone. To be at the devil's mercy was intoxicating. His hand caresses your hair, then your face and he hums. "Mortals are normally so boring but you? You are certainly not, little mouse." He snaps his fingers and you feel cold. The bastard undressed you.

"Seriously?" You watch him, embarrassed.

He tut when you try to hide your parts. "Do not hide yourself." You see him drink you up and down. "Seeing you like this is far more refreshing than with that poor excuse of an armor." Raphael swat his hand like he was talking of junk. The devil works his magic, his naked form now in front of your own kneeled one. Your body goes rigid as his cock appears in eyes level. You gaze at him.

Hells. How were you suppose to put it in your mouth? Astarion was big but it wasn't the same. Raphael's member was of a devil, red with veins and bumps. You're confused when he walks away to sit on the end of the bed. His legs are opened and he curls his fingers towards him. "Come."

You get up but stop in your tracks. "Oh no, pet.  On all four." You blush, flames pooling inside your lower regions and you crawl to Raphael's lap, between his legs. This was so humiliating, but so worth it.

You palm his erection and stroke it gently, then start to lick the tip while looking at Raphael. His eyes full of flames watch your ministrations with silence, a few groans there and there but he doesn't seems to be the vocal type. You wrap your mouth around his cock, chocking as it touches the back of your throat but hum, closing your eyes.

"Good....You know what you are doing after all." Raphael lets out a relieved sigh mixes with controlled pleasure. "Is it the vampire spawn? Or perharp another of your compagnion? Not that it matters. You are mine."

You don't respond, bobbing your head as you suck and roll your tongue around his shaft.  The devil grabs the back of your horns and move you to his own pace, your nose touching the hair. Raphael chuckles, trapping you in your position. He groans as cum slides down your throat. Even finished, he doesn't let go of you. His eyes glares at your form when he sees you are not drinking his cum. "Shallow." Tears appears in the corners of your eyes with the lack of air and you drink every drop, gasping to breathe when Raphael lets go of you, smirking.

Your body is trembling in arousal when the cambion orders you to lay on four on the bed. You look over your shoulder, your tail flicking back and forth. He walks closer to your form and grips your ass cheeks. You let out a whimper when his lips are close to your face, his voice lowering above a whisper. "What a naughty little mouse. To think you would do such a thing when your compagnions are outside." Raphael didn't feel sorry, that was for sure. "With a devil no less." There was a smack, your body moving forward with a cry.

"Are you enjoying yourself?"

You nod, but he only smacks your ass harder with a glare. "Y-Yes, Raphael."

"Good girl." The devil spreads the skin, your pussy in view. "My, my."

You face the sheets, flustered and embarrassed. Gasps leave your lips however when you feel Raphael rubs your folds. You were already soaked and he barely touched you yet.

He hums, entering two inside. This earned a whimper from your part. "Too much already? How disappointing." Another finger came in, not bothering to know if you were truly enjoying yourself or you just couldn't take more.

"Can you—ah!" You stop mid-sentence as the devil pumps three fingers roughly. He relishes in your moans, looking at your helpless form under him, your clawed fingers grabbing the sheet while trying to not let sounds out. This made Raphael frowns. He wanted to hear you scream, beg, cry, anything but dead silence so the devil's fingers go their way deeper.

"Raphael!" You couldn't hold your voice, moaning his name for your friends to hear.

Your skin was shining with sweat, tail down in submission. The devil continues his assault on your plump walls, biting your ear. "Louder."

You scream his name louder, and even louder when he enters you with his cock. Your pants fill the devil's den and you didn't care anymore if your compagnions could hear you. You want to satisfy your craving for this immortal being. Raphael lifts your bottom higher, going deeper in your pussy. "Such a tight little mouse, mine to toy with now." His shaft rumbs each corner of your walls, making you see stars.

You were begging for release for what seems like hours when he came on your butt, slapping it soon after. You were exausted, head dizzy and heart pumping out of your chest. The matress squeaks under you, meaning the devil left the bed and you could see him in the corner of your eyes snapping his fingers, clothed once again.

"I enjoyed this little adventure between you and I." He turns with a smirk. "Not that it will be our last."

You get up with shaking legs. "So do I have to go to Hell with you now?"

Raphael laughs. "No, not now. You still have a mission to accomplish, do you not, little hero?" He approaches your naked form, grapping your face. "I'll come for you when time runs out." Then the devil disappeared.

The door behind you immediately burst opened with a furious Karlach and your two other compagnions.

"Fuck...."

[nomoreusername]

Not Proud

⚠️ Self harm ⚠️

Pairing:Newt x female reader

Summary:As you're ready to give in again and cut, Newt catches and comforts you.

Requested by @newts-limp

I wasn't proud of it. Not in the slightest bit. If anything, I was ashamed, but I didn't know how to stop. There's just something about the blade that seems to call to me, telling me that it was the only thing that would ever understand me.

And maybe that’s true. Maybe I’m so addicted to this thing that it truly is the only thing that matters. Maybe it's the only thing that can take the pain away. If I focus on this pain I don't have to think about the other kind. The kind on the inside that makes me want to close my eyes and not wake up.

I’m not suicidal. I don't think so, but I wouldn't exactly mind if something happened to me. I just don't have it in me to care anymore. I don't have it in me to have hope that anything good will happen soon or at all. Getting out and being actually happy and meeting other girls all feels like some dream that I’ll never get to reach.

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath as I held it over my waist. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't good for me. It wasn't a solution, but I had to. I needed to do this. I had already gone a week without it, and if I didn't cut soon I was going to go crazy. I was going to lose it. I was going to do something worse than even this.

They itch. The cuts itch the most when they're healing so I just won't let them heal. It's as simple as that. Just like it's so simple to drag a blade across my stomach until I don't want to die.

I was desperate. I was really, really desperate.

I know it's wrong. I know it's an addiction, but I won't quit. I can't, but I don't need to. This isn't going to kill me. This isn't hurting anyone, and it's like I have something to fill the void inside of me. It's fine. It's fine, it's fine, it’s fine.

Taking a breath, as I went to do it my hut door opened. Frozen in disbelief, I stared at Newt who stared at me, holding my shirt up and placing a razor on my stomach. That also meant fresh cuts and old scars were on display, revealing to him just how messed up I actually am. Even though I was the best at hiding it, there was no way to brush this off.

“Hi,”I got out, managing to put my shirt down. Then, before either of us could say another word, I broke down. As I was shaking I heard my razor clank to the floor, gravity taking my biggest curse and worst blessing. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I kept mumbling incoherent apologies.

“It’s okay. It's okay, love. It's okay,”He said quickly, shutting my door and sitting beside me. Shaking my head, I kept wiping my eyes just for more tears to follow.

“It's okay. It’s okay. You're alright,”He repeated. As I buried my face in the crook of his neck the lump in my throat, along with the guilt in my stomach, seemed to get worse as he rubbed my back.

“I’m sorry,”I repeated.

“It's going to be okay. I promise. It’s all going to be fine,”He soothed. With my harsh sobs turning to sniffles, I kept my eyes close as I clung to him. Not even about to speak, I essentially shut down. While this usually happened when I was done feeding my mind and body's demand for pain, I was just so drained from it all. Knowing I had been caught was surreal, but I also knew that some things would probably change. Things I probably didn't want.

“Y/N, let's go to sleep?”He suggested. Not seeing the point in saying no, I nodded my head. I mean it wasn't like I was going to be getting any words out anytime soon. It wasn't like I even wanted to.

Laying down, I kept my head in his neck. With his arm still around me, he traced hearts on my skin, making sure his hands didn't touch my waist.

“I do love you. I will always love you. Nothing anyone says or does, even you, could ever make me stop,”He whispered. Keeping my eyes shut, I took a breath as I accepted that right now was the most peaceful I had felt in a long, long time.

I could never bear to lose him. Ever, ever.

But if I do in the future, I have him right now. He’s with me, and that has to be enough to make everything just a little less terrible.

[fading-violet-chaos]

What I Love About ZaDr mostly a rant about one ep cuz i do not have friends to talk to about this so you all most suffer.

They are perfect assholes for each other.

Like they are both miss understood outcast, even the ones who they are to look up to are ashamed of them because the way they think and act on things.

They are also both very toxic assholes who need each other. Like moppieness of doom! Zim gets depression and all his care for his mission just went away! Because Dib did not chase him or look at him. He even went to listen or watch the new with Dib being show and sigh and said so sad hearing his name! He even had papers with dib all over it. Zim even declared he would not become lazy or smoopy because the dib didn't try to chase him or get in his way and he should be able to rule cuz he is zim! yet moments later he goes to lay down on the couch because with no enemies what is the point? Dib getting the attention of his father was a plus for this Ep but also Dib was not that happy about it. He kept being gloomy and not fitting in there as well. Even know he and his father started doing so many amazing things like cure for the common cold! that was a cool detail to learn. But after all of that Dib was still not happy. But was doing it because it made his dad happy They both are in pain not physical but emotionally ! Like We do not see zim get upset much in the show but in this one. He legits cries and ask "Why does thing want to hurt zim" I know you can counter it with the fact he's crying over snacks but Shut Up I'm trying make a point here.

Even in the labs dib wounder where Zim is notching he has not been to school lately then tries to play it off like it doesnt matter. "Does not matter anymore. everything has changed expect talking to myself" i really love that part when dib even admits that he talk to himself which is beautiful btw. Anyways I also Know Gir only wanted Dib to hunt zim again to get the couch back. But even the dumb little guy knew that they are destined for each other! "Listen to me, He needs you Mary you two such good friends" like gir even points out how good they are for each other even if it's haunting and casing each other.

{SIDE NOTE: FUCKING LOVE THE WAY MEMBRANE HAS ROCKET BOOTS AND JUST COMES DOWN TO DIB TO SEE HOW THINGS ARE GOING IS HOT TO ME OKAY}

but also even if dib made a small mistake on the formula and stuff he was working on. membrane noticed it as a cry for help which sucks but, i do enjoy that he realizes his son is not happy and something is troubling him. Membrane telling him to do what ever it takes to fix the problem and dib gets the wide eyes we all fucking love and agrees with his dad, that he needs to fix the problem! "I fell empty inside! This real science bores me to death! Maybe I am not doing what I meant to do! Because what I'm meant to do is catch me that alien!"

Dib realizes at this point after talking to his father, he's only truly happy when he is a full outcast cashing an alien invader. {LOVE THE FACE PLANT MEMBRANE DOES ONCE DIB RUN OUT THE LAB}

The fact they both trash talk each other once dib came into the base and it was more of a playful banter then anything and they laugh as they do so. They seem happy to be by each other sides even if they are enemies.

anyways thank you for letting me rant. i love these guys so much.

[fleet-admiral-hiba]

OUR LITTLE FOX

A/n: when you get grounded by mistake, how will the Harbingers react to the one who put the blame on you?

"WHY?" You shouted frustrated. It was ridiculous. Why were you getting grounded (again) for something you didn't do? You could understand the last two times, but this wasn't it. Pierro, as usual, wasn't having none of your tantrum.

"You took something you shouldn't have. That's why" he said calmly, but he was close to snapping. Something you would avoid at any cost, but not this time.

"But I didn't. I found it in my room. I swear" his eyes twitched, he didn't want to shout at you, but he was so close. You tried again to tell your side but his booming voice shut you up. His eyes became immediately cold and steely.

"Go to your room. You are hereby grounded for two months. Any privilege is revoked. If this is the only way to make you learn, then so be it" he turned his back and walked away.

You were escorted to your room and you started crying. Bitter and hurt tears. Why didn't he believe you, when all you said was the truth?

He was fuming on his way to his office, when he met Pulcinella. "Do you really believe he did it?" he said, more inquisitive than anything else. He believed your story, you were genuine when you said you didn't know where it came from.

"It was in his room, and no one else could have taken it without us knowing. The guards confirmed this" he finished. Pulcinella wasn't buying it, but let him go to cool off. It was no use talking to him like this.

Days passed and your sobbing didn't stop. Their heart broke,but until you learned your lesson there was nothing they could do.

Pulcinella though suspected foul play, especially when other artifacts went missing. It couldn't have been you, you were locked inside your room.

On a weekly meeting he told the others as much, and they realised that something deeper must have been going on. To say they were ashamed was saying nothing: if you truly didn't do it, they had just punished you harshly for no reason.

"Pierro, something isn't adding up. There have been reports of missing artifacts later found in y/n's room, while they were inside. I think they're trying to pin this on him" said Childe. Capitano backed up this report with his intel, and it was more than suspicious. "We need to find them. We may have broken that trust our baby had for us" warned Pulcinella. It probably was low anyway, but they had to try.

A month almost went by, and you still didn't leave your room. You were heartbroken,.you felt betrayed.

Meanwhile...

A group of cicin mages was running away. They had been found and the consequences were going to be rather dire.

But when you were being chased by Capitano and Childe, nothing was going to save you.

Catching them one by one, the duo brought them to the cathedral, where the others waited. Not a word was said. They were watching them intently. Pulcinella stepped forth, a disappointed look on his face. "I thought you were all trained better than this. Blaming your misconduct on a kid is shameless, even by our standards. You will be punished, by being sent to Dottore and Sandrone" he said while the group pleaded for mercy.

There was nothing worse than being a test subject for either one of them. Death was not an option, instead their prolonged suffering only a certainty.

He wasn't finished. He turned back to the others, facing specifically Pierro, " You on the other end, need to go and apologize to y/n first. You delivered the punishment and you need to set the record straight. We are not free of judgement either, because we fell into this conspiracy too. We WILL make amends. Am I clear?" suddenly, not even the first harbinger felt safe. Pulcinella, when he wanted to be, could be scarier than the Tsaritsa.

They nodded and immediately scattered.

Pierro bracing himself made his way to your room. He was nervous. He had just made one of the worst mistakes of his life.

Knocking softly, he waited for any kind of reply. None came. Instead he heard a soft pitpat coming towards the door. "Love..." he started but quickly you backed away. You weren't going to fall for tha trick again. "Y/n, can I please come in? I know I made the biggest mistake of my life and I'm ashamed of it. I want to apologize..." he didn't finish the sentence before the door opened a fraction.

He could see your eyes puffy and red, oh love, he didn't mean to do that to you. "I'm incredibly sorry love. I was mistaken and I hurt you. I understand if you don't want me to come in or talk to you, but I want to make amend" he continued softly, while kneeling down. You were unsure but you opened the door for him to enter.

He opened his arms, and you dived straight in. Sobbing hard and uncontrollably, you spewed apologies after apologies. He shushed you gently. It wasn't your fault, it was all on him.

"I'm so sorry love, I'm so so sorry" he said, hugging you tight. Tears started to flow down his face. So much pain, he could feel your pain like it was his own.

Time flowed by but neither of you broke the hug. He let you vent out your frustrations, your pain and hurt. When you felt ready to step back, he let you go, but stood there facing you. "I won't...forgive you immediately. But I love you all" you mumbled lowly. He simply chuckled, glad to see you talking to him.

"It's okay love. That's on me. If you want, you could come with me, take a stroll through the palace?" He proposed, hopeful. You pondered the decision, but ultimately shook your head. You were exhausted. "All right, sleep well love" he tucked you in, kissed your cheeks and left.

.

.

.

Even the others apologized the next day. They let them fool them enough to hurt you, and they should have seen this. You repeated what you told Pierro the day before, and they had the same reaction.

There was a long way to go, but they'd wait gladly if that meant seeing you smile and joke freely around them.

It had been a close call...those mages won't be missed.

And if the agents were even more scared of the Harbingers, nobody batted an eye for that. They had it coming the moment they messed with you.

Their baby shouldn't have to suffer.

[baziutawrites]

Tantalizing

Xavier Thorpe x Female OC

Beginnings part 2

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8]

Other smut fics through my Masterlist.

WARNING! There are smutty parts throughout this piece. Proceed with caution if you are under 18 yrs old.

Was she the one that he dreamt about?

If someone said he was making a fool of himself, they would be completely right.

But now Xavier had a bit more pressing matters at hand, than to worry about not looking like an idiot. Like a growing hard-on that would be very hard to conceal while wearing a pair of swimming trunks. Another one was Val and her hands still against his chest, the touch almost burning his skin. But he kept his arm around her, unable to let go as he stared into her face, completely lost for words.

How could it be? Was it truly her? Why?

She wasn't the only one with grey eyes and those glints of green dancing around her hair. Surely there was an explanation for that. Like, a magnetic field? Or chemical imbalance in the air? Or—

"Like what you see?" She wiggled her eyebrows at him, her own face feeling a little warm from the intensity of his stare. 

"Yes." He blurted out, eyes now darting away from her as his blurry vision from before started invading his mind. "Wait, no! No, I mean, yes. I—"

He let go of her suddenly, as if she burned him, almost making her topple backwards.

"Last one in water is a loser!" Ajax came to his rescue, noticing his best friend's distress. 

Xavier bolted towards the lake, praying she didn't notice his raging boner he now sported. Ajax splashed in right behind him and Xavier could swear he felt the judgement of his friend's stare through his skin.

"What was that?" Gorgon murmured, his dark eyes searching his friend's face with a knowing grin.

"I am stupid." Xavier groaned, dunking his head underwater.

***

Somehow he ended up with Divina's camera in his hands and an idea came to his drunken mind.

"Hey, we should document the meetings. Have a chronicle, snap some pictures. What d'yall think?"

That's how he got tasked with being the cameraman for the night, clicking away, catching some silly moments. But he also did some portraits - the idea pitched to him by Ajax and he gladly followed with it. He did everything in his power not to spend too much time taking pictures of Val separately, so he resorted to having her in the frame almost every time he took a group one. He promised to upload them from his own laptop later on if Divina agreed to lend him the camera for longer.

***

When he got back to the dorm with Rowan, he immediately went to the laptop. Thankfully his roommate went straight to his bathroom, so he could flip through the pictures, stopping at the ones with Val without raising suspicion. He felt the heat spreading through his body again and he had to stop himself from palming his dick through his sweatpants. He felt like a pervert, but couldn't take his eyes off of one particular picture of her that made his dick get harder and harder, his still tipsy mind swimming.

His phone dinged and he saw he'd been added to a group chat.

.

Divvy

Yooo

.

BB

Heeey 🥰

.

Jaxxo 

I'm soo drunk

But the pics @Xav

.

Tana

Where the pics!

Just the good ones tho

.

V

Give us the pics pretty boy!

Xavier gaped at the last message. The heat pooled in his core and he felt his body tingling with excitement. Pretty boy. His hand cupped his erection at once but before he could relieve the tension, the door of Rowan's bathroom clicked and he almost jumped out of his chair at the sound. He quickly clicked away to send the entire folder from the night and locked himself in his own bathroom before Rowan could see him in this state.

His phone trembled in his hand as he fought with himself. This would be wrong, so, so wrong to do.

But maybe… just this one time. Just once. Wouldn't hurt, right?

He stepped into his shower, his hard on heavy in between his legs, feeling ashamed of what he was about to do. But when he sat down on the cold floor, warm water spraying his side and he opened that one particular picture of Val - of his friend - he could not help himself anymore. His eyes roamed over the half naked form of her, as she was just out of the lake in the middle of drying her hair with a towel, making a face at the camera. His palm traveled down his stomach to grip his shaft and he let out a small gasp, his eyes never leaving the picture. It felt so wrong, yet so right. He started to work his fist over his cock and as the jolts of pleasure washed through him, every last piece of self control flew out of the window. 

Just this once. Just once. He would not speak about this to anyone, he would never open this picture again, he told himself as he jerked himself off, imagining his friend to be the one that worked her hands over his dick. This would not become a regular thing, surely not.

***

He lied to himself.

The weeks leading up to the Poe Cup were turning more and more unbearable for him. Not only his dreams seemed to overcompensate with the frequency for the brief time he didn't have them, but just her mere presence started to make him hot and bothered. He started imagining his dream encounters in real time, oftentimes having to excuse himself mid conversation, or even worse, during the Foreign Beings and Legends class they were paired together at. He felt ashamed, while he then fisted his cock in the bathroom stall, the picture of Val he promised himself not to look at again, displayed on his screen, among many other pics he took during the meetings. His eyes fixated on her face as he came over his hands, biting his lips not to let out any sound. And then he had to come back and watch her, pretending he didn't do this filthy things mere minutes before, as his imagination ran wild again when she smiled at him.

It only made it worse, being combined with the conflicting, constant need to be around her. He was desperate to hear her voice, listen to what she had to say, to be the one she talked to, that made his chest warm. Without it, he felt this weird tension in it, almost as if his heart wanted to rip its way out of there.

Yet she still confused him. On one hand, she gave him all those signals - every time she touched his hand it made him feel sparks between them, he noticed how her breath seemed to quicken a little, or how she stood a bit closer than she needed to whenever they spoke, the way she looked at him over her shoulder when they parted their ways with a smile that made the butterflies in his stomach go crazy, he was almost sure she liked him a bit more than a friend. The same way he seemed to like her.

But then she did those little gestures with Kent too. She looked from under her eyelashes at Rowan whenever he talked to her about his Botany homework - a subject she seemed to be very good at although she chose not to show off during classes like Bianca. 

Her confidence intimidated him as much as it seemed to draw more people to her the more she socialized. And she didn't even have any social media presence.

Maybe this meant nothing at all? Maybe she just was this friendly with everyone? But this thought did not help him as his eyes actively sought her out in the corridors.

***

Yoko introduced Val to Enid a few days before the Poe Cup. They needed a fourth person onto their Black Cats' team and Val was their first pick. She was a great swimmer, as the word from her practice spread on. Val agreed - the competition was supposed to be very dangerous and she longed for something exciting, different than the schoolwork. There were supposed to be no rules. However, this also seemed to apply to her new friend. She didn't expect Enid to know almost everything about everyone at Nevermore, despite not knowing everyone in person.

"So, what's with you and Xavier? Cuz I've seen the looks he has been giving you and ohmygod that's sooo exciting like, the way he always stands in a way that he could see you, and he looks, like literally, he like stares so much, like this must mean something, right? I mean…"

It went on for hours while they prepared the boat for the competition near the shore. And it made Val feel a bit fuzzy. Could Xavier really like her this much?

"I feel like he isn't really that interested if at all, Enid." Val mused, trying to tone the girl down a notch. "He has been kinda avoiding me lately. Like, he walks away in the middle of us talking quite often. Doesn't really scream 'interested' to me to be honest."

There was a brief pause in which Enid shook her head and giggled.

"Xavier’s the captain of one of the other teams. You could try flirting with him to see if he 'isn't really that interested', you know? Oh, he's also on the team with Ajax, ohmygod, did I tell you about Ajax? He is so cute!"

Val and Yoko shared a look and smiled at each other, as the other girl blabbered away about her obvious crush. At least it saved them from further interrogation.

Val liked Xavier, that was for sure. But she didn't think of him as a person to be interested in her in any other way than just a friend. He seemed really stiff at times, distant and even avoided her recently. However, Enid was supposed to be the observant one, so testing the theory out wouldn't hurt. It might even be fun.

***

The day of the race came fast and Val couldn't help but feel excited about the oncoming challenge. Underneath the shivers however was a weird, a bit heavy weight in her stomach. What if she makes a fool out of herself? She fixed the leather-like material of her catsuit, checking if everything was tied as it should be, feeling the ears flopping annoyingly in the wind. Enid really had a field day with those costumes.

She saw Xavier's team exit their tents and she snorted at the utmost ridiculous sight that greeted her eyes. The jester costumes were something else.

This caused his eyes to meet hers and she gave him a big smile with a wink, that he reciprocated, although his eyes went down, sheepishly and she could see his neck reddened a little. Okay, this could still mean nothing. She needed more solid evidence. Enid giddily nudged her shoulder and gave her thumbs up before they settled into their boats.

The idea of Xavier slowly grew on her and she had to admit, she couldn't help but admire his hands whenever he showed off his abilities to make his art move or how she tried not to stare at his jawline, whenever he had his hair pulled back into a bun. He certainly was handsome.

She looked to the side only to meet Xavier's eyes immediately and went for a bolder move - she blew him a kiss over her shoulder and to her pleasant surprise, heard the paddle clatter as he most certainly dropped it. This was curious.

She missed the knowing glances Enid and Ajax exchanged between themselves.

***

Xavier couldn't even focus on such a simple task as rowing and he cursed under his breath, as the Black Cats kept getting smaller and smaller ahead of them. The picture of Val's ass in that tight, pleather costume and the kiss she blew him were messing with his head and the competition didn't even start properly.

They were the last out of three boats left to arrive on the island. He and Ajax, being the best runners, set out sprinting into the woods. They had no idea where the flags could be, so they separated in order to cover as much ground as possible. 

And then he saw her in this god forsaken catsuit, holding his flag, hers nowhere to be seen, sporting a sneaky smirk on her face. Something wasn't quite right.

***

She smirked, as she watched Xavier stop dead in his tracks like a deer in the headlights. She straightened, planting her feet firmly on the stone she was standing on and hid the flag unsuccessfully behind her back. The top of it comically towered over her head but the gesture seemed to get the point across, as he slowly started towards her, his eyes narrowed.

"I don't think those are your colours." He pointed at the material flapping in the air over her head when he stopped in front of her. She raised her eyebrow at him, a challenge in her gaze, her eyes on the same level with his.

"Maybe, maybe not. But it's mine now. Finders keepers." 

She turned swiftly, her hand stretched out behind her back as Xavier snatched at her from the other side and she laughed at him huffing in fake annoyance, his full lips fighting a smile. They both knew he could easily overpower her if he wanted to but the fact he didn't made her feel tiny butterflies in her stomach. He was a competitive one and yet, he stood there, playing with her instead of trying to get to the boat in time.

"Nuh-uh." She wiggled her finger at him and he let out a chuckle. "You've gotta earn it."

"Earn it?"

"Yeah. Pay for it, in other words."

"Smartass." He mumbled with a smile and tried snatching at the flag from the other side and he lurched forward, bumping his cheek against her nose. "How do I pay for… for it."

He now seemed to notice the proximity of their faces, his breath fanning her cheek as he turned towards her, slowly.

"I'm sure you can figure it out." She breathed, his smell making her slightly dizzy and her half-lidded eyes darted towards his lips. They were adorned with red paint, plump and parted slightly and she swore they were getting closer. And she panicked.

She kinda got what she wanted. This was quite enough of a confirmation for now, she thought to herself as she felt her heart pounding in her throat. Her own lips contorted into a wide, although very nervous grin.

"Catch me if you can then, smartass."

And with that, she was gone, running deeper into the woods, waving his flag at him. After a few seconds she heard heavy footfalls following her and she laughed at the curses Xavier spewed with his every breath, although fighting the laughter himself. It wasn't long before she felt large palms around her middle and with a squeal, their bodies collided and toppled to the forest floor in a tangle of limbs. The flag flew out of Val's hand towards the shore as she wildly grabbed at the front of the jester costume, pulling Xavier underneath her and onto his back before he noticed what happened, his eyes focused on the flag.

Only when she straddled his hips he let out a gasp and his wide eyes flew back towards her face, gliding along her body. He writhed, trying with all his might to pull her off of him, praying she wouldn't notice the constant erection he had since when she got out of her tent in that fucking tight costume. But he failed, fighting his nervous laughter, trying to grab her hands away from him as her fingers dug into his sides, tickling him without mercy. He noticed her hair was now glittering with green, almost taunting him.

Then it all happened too fast for any of them to process what was going on.

Suddenly, his vision changed just as he felt Val's hips grinding down on his crotch after he bucked them a little too hard, trying to throw her off. And before he knew it, a moan tore from his throat, as he watched Val plung herself down on his cock, her pussy swallowing his length repeatedly for a few seconds before his vision turned back to normal.

Val watched, dumbstruck, as Xavier stiffened underneath her all of a sudden, moaned while looking at her with his brows furrowed, eyes wide and looking at her with such intensity she felt herself go red in the face. His fingers dug into her thighs so hard she wouldn't be surprised she would have bruises later that day. She then realized she was pressing against something hard and when she moved forward slightly, her hips rolling against it, she felt a hot jolt running through her spine when he stifled another moan. The shock and realization dawned on her. He was rock hard and she was shamelessly grinding on his dick just now.

Before she could say anything however, a twig snapped somewhere in front of them and she saw Ajax run out from behind a tree, their flag in hand, looking straight at them incredulously, as they were still sprawled on the ground in a very telling pose. She bolted upright, unable to look Xavier in the face and instantly sprinted back towards the boats, shame creeping up her cheeks.

"See ya, pretty loser boy!"

Ajax stood there, watching his best friend let out a long groan and fling his arms over his face, clearly beetroot red under all the white face paint. His bulge clear as day in his pants.

"Bro. I think we have some shit to talk about tonight."

[mist-see]

Pain

⚠️ Chapter has minor details of a panic attack. I am also sorry I haven't posted in 4 months 💀 half of the time I procrastinated, and the other half I wasn't motivated enough. But I'm back! ⚠️

Part 4

"You still didn't get anything from her?" Edward, phone on his shoulder, spoke quietly as he moved around the kitchen, hands working fast without mistakes, cracking eggs into the glass bowl.

Alice officially stopped getting visions from you. One minute you're staring blankly at the tv, the next minute its darkness. Complete nothingness. She knew you suffered from past depression thanks to your absent mother, then the slight neglect you got from being the middle child. And don't forget the stress of college. So... she was worried for your mental health, especially from the sudden blackness she got at the wedding.

"No Edward... I haven't. Billy isn't picking up the phone either. Carlisle and I assume two things. He's either ashamed to talk to us, or..." there was a brief pause. Anxiety started to build up in the male's chest as he got nothing but silence from the other end, the slow relaxed beat of his wife's heart keeping him from bursting the glass bowl, spilling the slushed eggs.

"Alice-"

"Just- just enjoy your vacation Edward... you're married now okay? So... focus on her. Focus on Bella." He could hear the fake hope in her voice. There was a slight salty taste to her words. She was bitter, to say the least. She let this whole thing go on for so long. From running away to Alaska to get away from Bella, ignoring your calls... she was so blind trying to validate her brother's feelings, trying to find out about her foggy past, she didn't even think to check on you, to see how you were doing in school, to see if you were okay, she was a bad friend, a horrible friend she can admit.

It's times like this when he wishes he could hear thoughts over the phone. He hated this, he hated what he did to you. He hated that even if he was in love with Bella, he still cared so much about you. He was mentally 17, yet was more mature than most of his peers.. he knew better. So he still blamed himself for letting you get caught up in his game for so long.

He felt bad. You got caught in the illusion. The same illusion he wished his wife fell for, but she so happened to be the one.

And his wife didn't know! Of course, she didn't. Dragged along in the manipulation as well. She thought you and Edward broke up on good terms. That's what she thought up until the wedding night. That made her question who she married, but it wasn't damaging enough to let him go. Edward knew this.

He hated himself for dragging you in this, to keep his human appearance up. Not all of it was fake! He tried to remind himself every night when he watched his wife sleep. It was true. He did start to catch feelings for you. But you weren't her. He didn't have to hide what he was from her. She knew him for him. And you didn't. And he didn't want to think about what you'd think of him when you did find out.

"What? Alice, stop playing right now... finish your sentence." The pixie girl looks over to her father figure, who listened to the call even though the phone was to her ear. He truly didn't know what to do in this case, as much as it pained him, you weren't any of their concern anymore.

He shrugged to his daughter, head empty for the first time in centuries. It was weird... you were like a daughter to him, he considered you family... but Edward was his son, and he couldn't choose you over him. No, he wouldn't choose you over him. Even when his stiff heart told him to do the right thing. which was to apologize to you, face to face for his son's actions.. it was wrong, he knew that.

This whole incident made Carlisle confused. Who was his son? he knew the boy was secretive, and quiet until he was with his true love, Bella. But to pull you along, to... manipulate the whole family into thinking the relationship was genuine, to fill your hopes up with being with his son for a long time?.. He fell right into his son's manipulation. He felt horrible, he couldn't imagine how betrayed you felt.

Who was Edward Masen?

They couldn't cross the border to check on you, nor were you answering their calls. It was clear you wanted nothing to do with them. Alice gulps down venom, a nervous tick she picked up from humans.

"Or," Edward places down the bowl with a hard thud. If his heart wasn't frozen in place, it would be the cause of his heart attack. "He might be planning another funeral, Edward." "Edward?" Alice heard Bella over the phone. "But don't try to think about it too hard. She's okay...Goodbye Edward." Alice was quick to hang up the phone, stone hands now both placed on the dark counter of their home.

"Edward..." Bella repeats, slowly walking towards her husband, dark brown eyes concerned as she watches him stare off into space while the phone loosely hung in his fingers. She took the phone from his hold, her sweet smell wafting near his nose and warm fingers pulling him out of his daze.

"Yeah?" His voice was low, gold eyes meeting hers. Bella knew something was wrong, the next question was did she want to know what happened? Of course, she did. "Something happening?"

The cold one fixes up a smile, lips never pulling back over his teeth. "Alice going on her rant about Rosalie and Emmett... seems like they're going through another bed." This seems to make the other cheeks go red, a blush covering the tips of her ears with a dazed smile. "I guess we're not the only ones having fun this week..." she chuckles, and he follows along.

He was always a good liar.

"Do you know how idiotic that was?! You could've been killed, moron!" You stared up at your little brother with a bored expression, jaw swollen and cold as you laid the frozen peas on them.

Once you got the cold one head between your jaws, with fast movements it placed its hard marble fingers between your jaw, keeping them open until they popped.

You squinted your eyes at him, knowing you couldn't say anything to him as the bone in your jaw was dislocated, about to be popped back in place once the ice numbed it enough.

"Don't even look at me like that! You-ugh!!" He groans, hands curling together frustratingly in front of your face, a way to say he wanted to strangle you. How dare he disrespect me like that? A growl rumbled in your chest as you slapped his hands away from your face. You were about to kick his knees but he moved out of the way.

"Okay okay. Seriously Jacob lay easy on her, it was her first time. You remember your first time. Cocky with the dreadhead?" Sam finally spoke up, an amused smile on his face. You grunted, agreeing to his words, even though you had no idea what they were referring to. Your brother was madder at you than anything, which was understandable, the now-ashed vampire could've ripped your jaw off.

Your brother groaned dramatically in front of your face, now he was annoying. His friends behind the couch laughing at this. "Uh up!" You grunted shut up, throwing the frozen solid bag into his gut, making him groan at your strength. Yup, that was the strength of a grand chief granddaughter.

"You'll pay for that." He pointed at you with a panted breath. Uh oh. You stood up, prepared to get chased, but your brother's long legs got to you faster and push you onto the couch, kneeing you in the stomach and a hand on your upper chest, near your neck.

"Don't break my couch!" Emily screamed in horror as the couch scrapped against the hardwood floors, lifting some of the wax that made the floor shiny. "My floors!" This time it was sam who screamed in horror when the floors he built get scrapped up. You screamed against your brother's palm, four of his fingers digging into your cheek as he snatched your jaw back in place.

A single tear leaves your eye as you glared at him, a whimper leaving your throat once he stepped off of you. "You... bitch." You cursed in pain as you held onto your jaw, chewing down on nothing in an attempt to grow used to the pain, which you did.

"Told you you'd pay," Jacob smirks as you sat up weakly, wiping the tear that fell down your chin. You scoffed, leg extending quickly, making him fall onto his back with a groan.

"Oh... Christ!" He gasped for air, Quil and Paul bursting into laughter as they surround the male rolling the floor. "oh come on, toughen up Jakie poo!" Jared teases as he walks through the door with a grin on his face.

He heard what had happened from the lot thanks to the strong hearing. "Screw off..." your brother scoffs as he gets picked up by Quil. The two of you make eye contact as you slouched back on the couch, he bucked at you but you didn't flinch, the action causing you to roll your eyes.

"What happened to jakie poo?" An unfamiliar voice speaks up before the screen door fully opened, everyone gasps and heads to the person in question as you fished out the box of cigarettes and the cheap white lighter that had your initials on it.

"Embry! Ugh finally! Being with these two make my back itch!" Embry? This catches your attention. Cigarette hanging loosely between your lips, you look back to see everyone surrounding their friend, backs facing you.

"Yeah, I can only imagine with jacobs moping and whining." This makes you grin, your puffy jaw going down in size. You stood up to go greet the other member of the pack, hand coming up to your jaw in hopes that it stops throbbing.

You threw the cig on the couch before walking over to the giants, standing beside Leah and Jared who made no effort in joining the shirtless group hug.

"You wouldn't believe who joined the pack," Quil said with a cheesy grin. You couldn't see it but you knew it was there, it always was. "Another one? Wait, wouldn't that mean another bloodsucker came into town?" His town shifted into one serious.

Oh.

Sam sighed. "Yeah. Our friends are starting to get a little bit bold." He says. You heard some shifting, he probably was switching his leg. "Even then... they may not know we exist, but they know forks is Yellow-eyed territory. They must think they're weak. So they're hunting on this land." Embry says.

"And with the mind reader gone that gives them an advantage," Leah spoke up beside you. "Don't forget future teller." That time it was Jared. This draws attention to the two of you, the boys moving out of the way to officially include you in the conversation, Leah, you, and Jared standing in the middle with an Embry standing in front of the door.

With arms crossed and eyes still boring to the orange oak flooring, you listen to everything being said.

Mind reader, future teller, yellow-eyed, our friends... your stomach felt so queasy, it disgusted you. And your face showed it.

It started to make sense. Small pieces finally connecting, it made you feel so slow, so...hurt... you were so hurt. You thought you were going crazy back at the wedding, but no that was just the surface. The silent communication between the two siblings-were actual conversations! They did that right in front of you! They played you! For a white girl who just moved back into town...

Suddenly everything seems to be going so fast. How long have you been out of this loop? Who exactly did you date from sophomore year up until a few weeks ago?

They're vampires?! For how long?! Did they ever try to kill me??

Did he ever want to kill me?

A breath left your parted lips. You could feel your heartbeat. You placed your now sweaty palm against the worn-down tank top that separated your hand from the fast-beating artery. It felt like when you had a bad trip with weed when you were 13, but worse. Harder and harder, it felt as if it would come out of your mouth.

Ouch. That pain... not only pain but that utter disappointment and disgust you felt for yourself for even letting it happen!

You were so focused on trying not to panic, you didn't even realize how heavy you were breathing, or the familiar vapor that released from your pours when you were stressed. You didn't even notice that you dropped to your knees until Leah grabbed onto your arm to prevent you from hurting yourself.

Jacob's eyes widened, movements fast as he pushed Quil and Seth out of the way to get to you.

"Hey! Hey! If you do this then what was it for?! What was all the training, the pain, that -constant burning for?! Come on you've been doing so well! Y/N listen to me! Calm down and breathe!" You could hear your brother shout, Sam and Leah already down on your sides as your shaking widened eyes glared down at Quils sandals, needing something to focus on or else you'll rip out of your skin.

"Jacob you could be calmer!" Leah spat out, sarcasm on her tongue, but noticing how your steaming arms went up to cover your ears. It was too much. The voices, the smells, their smells. And it was hot, so hot. You felt your breath quickening.

"No... This is more than her losing control. I think she's having a panic attack." Sams's voice was stern. He's seen this before, shit he felt that before. "Paul take Emma out of the house." You wish you could be offended, but you didn't even trust yourself at the moment.

Suddenly you see feet moving. No no no, I need to concentrate. Calm down! Calm. Down.

You take in a shaky breath, it was so sharp you could've choked on it. "Okay, so what do we do?? I can't just let her sit there, it sounds like her heart is about to burst!" "Jacob!, seriously!" Leah whispers yell, irritated by the way the younger lacked common sense. And the yelling! Seriously! "You can! And you will! If you try to help her you might fuck around and end up without an arm. This is not like comforting Bella, Jacob."

This seems to shut you brother's mouth up, the sound of him scoffing and grinding his teeth together making you want to tear your hair out. "Let her handle this by herself. Or else she'll just rely on you every time this happens." The wood creaks as the Alpha stands to his feet, then it was Leah copying him.

How embarrassing could this day get? You thought to yourself. First, it was the mid-air nakedness, now you're sitting here having a midlife crisis in front of all these men.

"I don't think it's working..." it was Seth to speak next. Sad eyes look down at his second sister, shaking and scared. It hurt to watch. "Yeah- maybe we should do something... it's already been a few minutes-" "she'll calm down eventually." Sam cuts off Quil. The young wolf clenched his teeth as he watches you, his best friend, take in deep shallow breaths.

It looked like breathing hurt as your eyebrows stayed pushed together, eyes clenched in pain.

Jacob already sent him myself to a corner, jaw tightly shut as he watched you slouch on your knees. He hated this. If only he took the alpha role when he had the chance. "Embry- just what do you think you're doing?" "Sam- seriously have some empathy. You didn't do this with Leah, so you're letting her go through it? If I lose an arm then screw it, it'll be gone." The floorboards vibrate with each step he took toward you.

This time it was Sam who was lost for words. He couldn't help but feel like a hypocrite.

He watched as Embry stood in front of you, confusion on his face, he's never had to be the one to comfort a newly turned wolf. That was Jared or Jacob's job.

Whatever he'd do, it would be better than just letting you struggle to catch your breath. Sam wasn't the comforting type when it came to his Alpha work. He thinks tough love will make you stronger, to help you get over your fear or pain the fastest.

But in reality, it just makes it harder to come to him for some older brother advice. Maybe Emily could change that.

"Um...we should leave them.." Leah spoke up, clearing her throat and shooting a glare at your brother and then her brother. "and yes I'm talking about you as well." she says, knocking shoulders with sam as she made her way out the front door. Jacob hesitated, and so did Sam, but soon it was just you and Embry in the house.

"well.." Embry gulps down nervously as he stared at the top of your head. This was not what he was expecting when he came back into town. He was expecting his mom's smoked fish and potatoes...not comforting his childhood friend that he hasn't spoken to in a year. The relationship between the two of you was simple. He was jacobs older friend. And being around Jacob meant that he'd be seeing you a lot.

It was always short conversations, nothing deep. As soon as Jacob got the football he stood up quickly, said his byes, and ran outside with his friends to play.

You were the mysterious one out of the siblings, always quiet in your journal or sketching something at the dining table, in your favorite chair in front of the window, so no one could see what you were doing. so when you did show some type of interest in what your brother and his friends were doing, he always tried to make friends with you.

He figured you were just the shy type, so whenever Jacob was changing into play clothes or making himself a snack, he would always try to talk to you. I guess the mysterious side of you always made him... interested in you.

When the two of you got older, things of course changed. He had to stop talking to his none-shifter friends, including you and Jacob. But he always watched you from a distance, watching you smile down at your phone as you talked to your boyfriend.. the yellow-eyed freak.

It seemed like his lack of presence never phased you, and maybe that was a good thing, you had a boyfriend at the time, and well... you were his best friend's older sister. Even though it disgusted him every time you rushed to the phone to answer his call, before knowing he was a vampire and after, Embry still found himself glancing over at you.

Sadly it didn't go well as his mom sent him to a discipline camp. then he didn't see you for a year... didn't get to hug you off for college.

But now he's here, nervous as hell, picking at the skin on his nails as he watched you have a panic attack.

It shouldn't be this hard. Was it because every time his mother asked him what was wrong he forced his mouth shut? couldn't even go to her to get comfort? or was it because every time he thought he was going to go crazy from the hormonal change, he couldn't go to his pack mates because they were either focused on vampires or the one they imprinted on?

Paul with Rachel, Jacob's sister, Quil with Kim's niece, Jared with Kim, and sam with Emily. And don't get him going about Jacob and his obsession with his childhood hood friend who's married to the worst person in the world. At least his situation isn't that bad. He might've been lonely, but he's grateful fate didn't allow him to suffer for the one he loved.

But for now, he doesn't even know what love feels like. He thinks.

"um..." he blinks, before taking in a deep breath and bending down, making sure you had your respect space. This shouldn't be so hard, so why is this so awkward... rolling his eyes, the male tilted his head, in hopes to catch your eyes, but they stayed covered, your hot arms covering your face to feel grounded.

"I know... that this is hard.." he started, staring at the hot pink scrunchy that tangled in your hair, the scrunchy Bella gave to you. "Trust me when I say that... all of this information, swarming your mind, it gets...it gets better... You trusted someone that you truly didn't know..." he clears his throat as you took a sniff, snot threatening to roll down, but you weren't that heartbroken to embarrass yourself like that.

"Okay-okay screw this." He couldn't take the awkward comforting speech. He's going to try his best, in the way he'd want someone to comfort him. Not in a corny rom-com way that's too corny for his taste. "Hey, hey I need you to look at me... Please." Your heart was fast, but it stopped for just a second when you heard the sincerity in his voice.

It was weird getting male attention from someone who wasn't your dad or Jacob. You would say Edward but...we know now that it wasn't sincere.

His beg was a whisper, but from the quietness of the house, it was so clear. You lifted your head, it was slow, and you hesitated. You hated being weak in front of men, yet it's all you've been doing lately.

you took another sniff, before looking the other way, too embarrassed to look into his eyes, which was hypocritical since you hated the lack of eye contact when it came to others. "Hey. You know, this would be easier if you could look at me." His lips twitched in a slight smile, his brown eyes capturing your side profile, noticing how mature your face got in just a year.

it felt like he missed so much.

Rolling your eyes, you wiped off your wet face, and turned your head, with an attitude you could confidently say you got from your mom, you tilted your head and locked eyes with him.

W O O S H.

It was as if we stared into each other's eyes for hours. Our hearts synced together, our souls attaching, impossible for them to separate unless death is our option.

I couldn't see anything but him, yet my vision was clear, I could see anything, everything. it was like the world evolved around us, no one in the universe but Embry and I.

Suddenly I forgot about all of my problems, what was I crying about? why is my heart pacing so fast like a drum? it's been so long since I've felt this stress-free, this problem free.

That's not normal.

"What just happen..." your voice was a mere whisper.. it was as low as it ever was. But he still heard you, of course, he did. Embry wasn't doing any better, he wasn't panicking but he felt like he should've been. Why was it so hard to look away from your eyes?

"I think we just imprinted on each other."

what?

Tag list:  @smenny @lady-ragnvindr @kyrah-williams @ivettt @craftyhufflepuff @esposadomd @delvira-only-baby @lola-bunny765 @dietothemusic

Part 3

Next chapter

[snailythefan]

Hi Snaily! How have you been? Im here for a pretty serious ask.

My boyfriend has been drawing for a while, I honestly think he's doing real good. But recently he's been feeling down about his art, he doesn't know why he should bother improving his art if his style is *basic* to some people, and it hurts a lot for him. He knows he should be drawing for fun and not force improvement to stress him out, but there's only so much I can do as his loving partner who doesn't draw at all.

So... what was it like for you, Snaily? When you started drawing many years back, how did you not feel like shit looking at how it could be better but you don't know how? What advice can you give to a beginner artist?

(You can answer this privately if you want btw, and ask me for his art if you need to see them. Much love <3)

hi peng!! always nice to hear from u! I'm gonna reply to this publicly because to be honest i can't resist to give this kind of advice to any and all beginner artists (but i am putting it under a readmore because as you know i love to ramble and this will get LOOONNNGGG and will Truly be The Ramblings of a Mad Man (gender neutral))

firstly, since I hear that he feels hurt by the idea that people out there might find his style "basic". That's a rookie mistake (that literally everyone makes when they start getting Serious about Art). The mistake being Caring Profoundly About an Outside Audience that's Ever Watching and Judging.

Which I literally cannot blame him or anyone for it, ESPECIALLY in this modern social media landscape where newer artists feel like they gotta get GOOD at the VIRAL RAT RACE so you gotta get that sweet, sweet validation in the form of likes, reblogs, retweets etc etc.

So that's my first tip I suppose: don't fall for the entrapment of being obsessed with getting any and all sorts of SWEET VALIDATION during your art process. This is hard to condition yourself to! I myself fall prone to it! It's actually kind of natural. Even if the validation you seek isn't online, surely you're expecting it from your peers or teachers or family members or whoever gets to look at your sketchbook (or you know, your medium of choice).

You want people to notice your art and all the effort you put into it. It's okay! DO welcome those who do!! But never NEVERRRRRR NEVERRRRRR commit the mistake of placing the value of your art on how much praise it gets from others. That's a one trip road on having an Absolute Bad Time. THE ONLY PERSON you should be looking to make happy with your art is YOURSELF first and foremost!!! Always!!! This is the Golden Rule!!!

So people (imagined or otherwise) think his style is """Basic""". Okay! That's literally not a crime anyone can arrest you for!! So what if you're LITERALLY starting and your art looks """basic"""!!!!!!! WHAT IS THE CRIME HERE!!!! CAN'T MY MAN JUST CREATE IN PEACE!!!! LET HIM COOK!!!!!

If he's starting out, i think it's pretty expected of him to just have a "basic" style you know? He shouldn't be ashamed of it! The best chef in the entire world right now didn't start making The Most Delicious Food To Ever Grace Anyone's Plate on DAY 1. They probably started with a goshdang sandwich. Many of them maybe. Until they could make the Perfect Sandwich even in their Sleep and only until then they felt ready enough to explore Further Possibilities In The Kitchen.

(Is this metaphor working? I sure hope it is!)

Anyway.

"How did you not feel like shit looking at how it could be better but you don't know how?"

Well that's a fun question because to this day I get extremely frustrated whenever I realize my Art Level isn't up to my standards. But THAT'S OKAY- even in my case!

If you're Serious About Art (as in, you LOVE making art) you'll constantly feel like you're having to catch up to artists that are doing MILES better than you. Which happens to everyone. Truly it's only the curse of having A Good Taste In Art (so you automatically Set Standards For Yourself based on what you personally consider Great Art).

So again, something to not be ashamed of. But also something to Learn To Live with. I get it!! I truly do!! You see some guy online who apparently is only 14 and they're already making compositions with complex perspectives and an amazing sense of color theory and you'll want to bite off your hands!!!! But you can't let that stop you!!

You're just gonna have to learn to Fail, Constantly. Failing Gracefully! Sucking At Art Again and Again!

You might think this conflicts with the Golden Rule (i mean, if you're not happy with your own art- then what's the point yeah?)

But it's all about Love babey. Loving the process of failing constantly, because deep down you REALIZE you're learning how not to suck little by little.

It's also an exercise in letting Spite guide you. So what if you're bad!!!!!! What if you've somehow committed the crime of being A Bad Artist!!!!!! The cops will never catch me fucker!!!!! SEE HOW I DESECRATE THE HOLY ACT OF "CREATING GOOD ART" AHAHAHAHA!!!! LITERALLY NOBODY CAN STOP ME!!!!! <- the attitude to Have. Yes you gotta be prepared to be Unhinged and to have active Disdain towards 4th Plane Entities that are probably judging your art quality. (Unless my experiences aren't universal and nobody else feels a salacious self-satisfaction whenever they draw something that looks like an affront to The Universe, knowing they can just Try Again).

Anyway those are the benefits of sprinkling a little Spite alongside all the Love for the process of Making Art.

At the start you might feel like you're only making bad art. So! Own it! unironically my life philosophy is that everyone should make more BAD ART!!! ARTISTS OF THE WORLD UNITE TO MAKE MORE BAD ART, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR CHAINS!

that's for the mental approach at least.

So, what about the technical side? How do you actually take all those feelings of inadequacy and wrangle them into something productive that will help YOU get better at the art you want to make?

with the warning that i am a self taught artist so i might not the the perfect person to ask, but truly the most IMPORTANT skill you want to hone is OBSERVATION and COPYING WHAT YOU OBSERVE.

Basically you're gonna study the artists you like! You're gonna stare REAL HARD at the details in the art they make! And THEN. You're gonna try to copy THAT! Hell, you might even want to TRACE what they do at first** (**THIS ADVICE IS FOR PRACTICING. DO NOT TRACE AND THEN POST ONLINE FOR OTHERS TO GO "hey man wtf this is just you tracing X Artist" DO NOT!!! DO THAT!!!) just so you get a feel for what they have in their art that You Don't and learning how to slowly replicate that.

That's how I learned the ropes at least. Literally printing manga panels and then tracing over them during my Peak Weeb Years. Ah little snaily, how time flies. Another thing i liked to do was watch speedpaints of artists i liked but at like -2x speed. So it was a slowpaint and i could STEAL THEIR SECRETS <- another valuable art skill

Anyway, that's what I think it's the most important (to observe!)

...but also you might want to either take art classes OR watch a buuuuunch of tutorials on youtube for The Basics (basic anatomy! shading! values! color theory! perspective! gesture drawing!!!)

You feel like shit about your art? Fine! Then realize your life is your own and you have the absolute power to change that directly!! GO ON YOUTUBE AND LEARN THOSE BASICS!!!!!! don't be like me and struggle this much with perspective after years of making art!!!! (Though in all fairness, even those good at it struggle with it lol)

So! I am all out of advice for a newer artist.

TL,DR: YOU WILL SUCK A LOT AT FIRST BUT THE MORE YOU PRACTICE AND LEARN ABOUT YOUR FAILURES, THE MORE YOU'LL LOVE TO SEE YOUR IMPROVEMENT AND EVENTUALLY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO DO THE ART YOU WANT TO MAKE.

Peng if you could forward this to your bf i would be very grateful. Good luck to you two!!! Thank you for reaching out!! And remember!! Never give up!!!!!

[thediktatortot]

Eddie/Billy Omegaverse kidfic

Eddie and Billy find out they probably shouldn't have tried to use the pullout method.

Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Happy Ending, Beta Eddie, Omega Billy

AO3

1,964 words

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Billy always thought he was an only child, but after he and Eddie get a little lax with the protection and he realizes he's pregnant he soon finds out that twins run in his family according to the hospital records that get sent over from California when he goes for his first appointment in Indianapolis.

Not having known that he had a twin at birth who didn't make it, his mom and dad having never told him about it because it was hard for the both of them anyway and they didn't feel the need to let Billy know. He doesn't know why Neil never used it against him, never told him about the brother he'd somehow killed or it was all his fault.

Billy will probably never know why Neil didn't say anything and to be completely honest? He's tired of feeling so tied to Neil, always second guessing himself and putting himself down all the time because of him.

He want's to forget Niel. He wants to go out and live his fucking life without giving a shit what he thinks about him. It's a scary thought but he's so tired of trying to keep a relationship with his dad that's never going to get better.

By the time it would take to get better between them Billy might actually be in a happier place by then if he just finally cuts the cord and lives his fucking life. Neil be damned. He can do his own shit with is own life, Billy doesn't want or need his attempts at "doing better".

Neil's the reason he never considered himself the Omega type, never having felt in touch with that part of his body and frankly didn't care too until recently, wanting to stop feeling so ashamed over the things other people do all the time.

It takes almost fifteen minutes of Billy panicking silently in the closed off room before he asks the nurse to get Eddie.

Billy feels nauseous even as Eddie steps into the room, the two catching each other's eyes. They don't really say much, neither knowing what to do as they check out and get back into Eddie's van. Billy barely heard the nurse's voice as she tried to give him information as they left.

Eddie is a mixture of both fear and joy.

He's never been a "kid guy", but there's a deep seated desire that he's always had in the wake of his own father's lack of fathering that he always felt that he wanted to change for someone else. "Be the change you want to see" sort of thing he holds deep in his heart that his little metal Head persona has paved over in order to look cool and survive through Highschool.

Now he just feels sort of nauseous, the reality of whats happening is frightening on so many different levels. Billy looks about the same, a little green around the gills and a bit wide eyed.

Eddie's only 24 and Billy's only 21, almost 22 in a few months.

They have only one argument. Not really even an argument, more of a few seconds of fear that makes Billy bark out "What the fuck am I going to do?" before hitting the dash and Eddie to jump and snap, "I don't know!"

They leave off in silence after that, the two of them stewing silently in theor own minds as they both see the end of their years as young guys with no cares in the world coming to a halting stop right before their eyes.

Billy wants to find happiness in the moment, wants to know that this shouldn't be such a bad feeling, but he can't help but want to get out of the car and cry out in anger, throw a tantrum or something like a kid. That's how he feels at least still, like a kid, not old enough to feel as though he's experienced life in any truly adult way, but also young enough to have thought he was adult enough to play around like he did.

He didn't really think about the consequences. Adults think about consequences and Billy does not feel like he's earned the title of adult, even if he hates to admit that.

Eddie's practically vibrating in the drivers seat, nervous energy washing off him in waves as he berates himself in his head for being so stupid.

He should have known better.

He should have thought about these things.

He should have been smarter, should have taken the fucking time to slow down and not just get into things without thinking like he never does.

He shouldn't have let his dick get the say in things and he definitely shouldn't have gotten Billy into this because now Billy's going to discover how much of a useless piece of shit he is.

Eddie knows he's freaking out and he knows he's just projecting the things everyone says about him onto himself, but it's a part of himself he has a hard time fully accepting. But it's the part of him that wants to live life and experience things, wants to be smart and loved and admired for the things he does, knowing he deserves just as much as the next guy.

It's also why he wants to be so cool all the time, why he wants people to see a facade he puts on. He doesn't want people to see he's a total fucking scaredy cat when it comes to anything serious.

Billy just feels numb now. Eddie feels like he's going to explode.

Eddie drops Billy off at home, Neil is mostly out of the picture after Billy was holed up in the hospital after shit went down those years ago, now he gives Susan a hundred bucks a month and pays for his own food and shit. His room is about as small as his closet when they lived in California, but he often ends up falling asleep at Eddie's now a days.

"I'll...call you, okay? Tonight? Can you let me...can tell me-" Eddie says after he parks the van in front of Billy's house and a few seconds of silence pass.

"I think I need a few uhm....days, to..." Billy just needs to be alone for a little bit, needs time to hide from everyone for at least a day. He feels overwhelmed and he knows he's not long from making a fucking fool of himself in front of Eddie and probably everyone in the trailer.

"I need to just, think about this...on my own for- for a few days."

Eddie feels cold flush down him like ice-water, the feeling of rejection pressing hard at his throat. He gets it, he knows Billy. He knows Billy needs alone time and probably just needs to let off some steam.

"Okay." He nods, voice tight as Billy nods quietly in return and gets out, leaving Eddie to head home alone.

It takes two days for Billy to let reality sink in and to accept his new place in life.

He's gotten good at accepting whatever comes his way while growing up in the life he had, and he doesn't see any reason that it can't work for this.

The only reason this time feels different is because he's trying to convince himself to be happy for once.

He's always had his dream of getting out from under Neil, doing whatever it is he ended up doing just to prove to Neil he would survive on his own. He usually used this dream to keep him from doing something reckless in retaliation to Neil so he could go on living another day, just needing to get buy until...until one day he'd be on his own.

He didn't expect it all too happen so quickly.

It takes a third day for Billy to come out on the other side of things, having almost bitten off Max's head a handful of times and snapped at Susan.

He apologized a few hours later, the Neil shaped voice in his head telling him to apologize having turned into his own guilty and ashamed voice pretty recently.

He calls Eddie and tells him to come pick him up, their going driving.

Eddie's there in less than thirty seconds, probably sitting by the phone for the last thre days. That and they only live a few trailers down from each other.

Billy gets in the van and takes a deep breath as Eddie's getting the van in gear, and unable to sit in silence any longer, Billy just goes for it.

"Let's move in together. Just the two of us."

Eddie grinds the gears but their driving, Eddie looks a few parts surprised, scared and excited all at the same time. "Okay...but...uhm Eddie says nervously, "Wouldn't it be more...uh, cheaper for the both of us to stay at our families houses?"

Billy wants to snap at Eddie but he can't seem to find the energy too.

"What's the point? Constantly living in our fucking families fucked up trailers trying to raise two kids with everyone breathing down your back the whole time?" Billy takes a deep breath and adjust in his seat, his face beat red as if he's admitting to something he shouldn't be scared to admit.

"I don't want that man, I don't want anyone judging me for everything I do and I'm already gonna have you around who's going to so far up my asshole the whole time- don't even try to deny it, you were smiling when you walked into that room the other day." Billy can feel his cheeks tense as he holds his smile back.

He feels like he should feel bad or guilty about even attempting to be happy in this situation, guilty the most, like what he's feeling is taboo to him because he never felt like he was allowed to be himself.

Never allowed to feel like he liked himself either.

He's liked Eddie for a while now, finally having the nerve to admit that fact to Eddie even if in a round about way.

Eddie wants to stay scared, wants to keep pittying himself like he normally does but he can't muster the feeling while looking at Billy against the sunny backdrop of the van window, his golden hair glowing in the light.

Eddie can feel Billy's nervous excitement rolling off him, saw the little twitch of his lip as he held back a smile and can't stop staring at those blue eyes that always feel so expressive. He's feeling like he's never wanted to step out into the sun and burn for someone so much as he does right now.

It's a romantic thought and Eddie can't help but grin goofily and cover his mouth. It feels good actually. Feels really good. Billy's cheeks are tight as he fights back a smile, both of them let out a shy laugh.

"Stop laughing!" Billy is smiling as he hits Eddie on the arm, hard, the two of them devolving into a fit of laughter as Eddie swerves.

"Oh come-...okay maybe that's fair."

"Stop it you dickhead! I'm fucking driving all of us now." Both of them are smiling, the van silent as get their heads in order.

"Your gonna actually have to pick your fucking underwear up off the ground though or your getting a fucking wedgie if I step on them." Billy says with what Eddie can only describe as a pout.

"Your damn right it's fair. Don't think just because I'm asking to get all domestic and shit doesn't mean I'm still not pissed."

The laugh dies down as the seriousness returns. It's calm though, like they've both gotten past some part of the moment that feels like everything is going to be okay.

"We're gonna need a bigger bed."

--The End--

I've had my brain on the whole Omegaverse vs AI thing and this is what became of it lol. Maybe I'll do more slices of life in the future with this particular AU.

[axailslink]

Letters

An Arthur Havisham x male reader fanfic

So I have been obsessed with Joseph Quinn's characters and fell right back in love with his one after rewatching the show. Love a depressive gay drunk who just needs a hug.

summary: Arthur hasn't retund a letter to someone near and dear to his heart which makes this person also known as you panic and visit him only to find he is feeling very unloved. He's a wee bit dramatic.

Fem aligned do not interact please

Arthur reads the letter in hand and it gives him a sense of happiness it wasn't the first time he had read this one he got this letter over a month ago but had yet to reply. Heard from his childhood friend Y/n who comes from a family of money too. They hadn't really spoken since they were kids but they still remained the best of friends but only in letters. Truth is Arthur is nervous around him when he was a boy he just thought he was fond of Y/n thought he was sweet and soft but now he knows it's something more than that. He wanted to visit him truly but there was too much going on his sister hates him Compeyson wants him dead for ruining such a big chance for him... Actually, that might be just the reason for him to visit his dear friend maybe seeing him would make him happy again. A sudden loud and impatient-sounding knock breaks him out of his thoughts causing him to drag himself to the door and swing it open and stand on the door frame. He stands straight though when he sees you standing tall and annoyed "you've been avoiding me Havisham!"

You slam the door shut and walk into the room pushing with more force than you'd like to. Arthur rolls his eyes and shrugs "I have not and please do tell me you did not take a whole week's ride out just to see me..." Arthur was honestly flattered by that that you'd worried so much about him that you would visit him even in your busy state. "I was worried the last time you stopped contacting me your father had just found out about...our letters." Oh yes, the letters the ones you sent in secret as young men barely over the age of eighteen were sweet at first just friends missing friends. But over the years they became something stronger more flirtatious and loving. You two talked to each other as if you were in a long-term relationship your father didn't like that he knew you were thinking of each other in ways you shouldn't. He saw right through it and he put a stop to it he talked to Arthur's father and he forbade him to write he even made him chip in more when it came to working on the brewery so he didn't have time to plot against his father's wishes. "Oh now someone cares about me? Now someone cares about Arthur!?" You're not really all too surprised by Arthur's words he had this common act when someone hurt him he would easily convince that everyone else wanted to do the same so he hurt them first or tried to. You grab his arms and pull him to your chest "I've always cared about you Arthur you may be able to spout that bullshit to someone else but not me Arthur I won't take it. I've always cared about you" you state caressing his hands as he stares up at you he catches himself staring and plants that defensive look which he started putting on a lot more when Compeyson left. It was hard to trust anyone. "I'd bet you'd say you love me too" you sigh and shake your head "of course I love you just like your sister loves you" he groans and snatches his hands away "just like my sister loves me? Really? I don't think I'd be willing to have sex with my sister Y/n why don't you just say it? Are you afraid of what it'll mean?"

You had come to comfort him not to talk about your problems but now he was opening a whole bowl of crisps that you hid in the back of the cabinet. "I'm not afraid of what it'll mean I know what it means Havisham I really do but unlike you, I'm not afraid of what it means I'm not ashamed of who I am are you?" Arthur stands still and turns his head contemplating how deep that question could run through his mind over and over. You take him into your arms squeezing him in a tight hug that you know he needs the recent letters were not filled with joy and love you could read in between the lines he was hurt. As soon as Havisham feels your warm embrace he breaks down legs becoming wobbly and tears streaming down his face all you can do is hold him and rub his back. "I'm here Arthur it's alright" you just sit and hold him for an hour as he lets it all out of the bottled-up pain he's been keeping to himself all the bottled-up pain that only the alcohol knew of. When he pulls back he's staring at you in that way that you know your fathers would disapprove of looking into your eyes wishing you'd move first so he doesn't make a fool of himself hands slowly gliding from your shoulders to your waist. You slowly start to lean in overtaken by those sad eyes of his and those damn dimples but you quickly pull away not far just a bit "we shouldn't" you mumble he nods before speaking this time "so what's it's this time?" You pause and look at him and shake your head understanding what he's getting at "no one it's no one Arthur it will never be anyone else as long as I live and breath and I know you're doing the same" there go those waterworks again working their way into his eyes. "So then why won't you kiss me? I don't understand Y/n you send me these letters and visit me and tell me how much you love me but you can never deliver on it. I want the version of you that used to run around in the field with me not caring if we got caught I want him back at least he could kiss me." You grab him by his waist and pull him closer "oh Arthur I'd do more than kiss you more than the gentle things we used to do as young men but I just can't I have an image to keep" his stare of love turns into one hell of a glare as he pushes you with all his strength into the table "an image!? You can't even do it with me behind closed doors? So I'm just supposed to sit around and wait for you to be ready enough to deal with me is that so?" You shake your head and snatch the letters from the drawer you were just pushed into "you know I have an image to keep but nothing in these letters are fake I meant every word every disgusting word I know my father would disagree with! The things I said I'd do to you I would and you know it. Do not make this seem as if I don't love you!" Arthur looks at you and then shakes his head before grabbing his glass and swallowing whatever remained before throwing it at your feet. "You do not get to say that! you do not love me!" You crumple the letters and let them fall from your hands as you approach Arthur and grab him by both sides of his face keeping him still as you plant a kiss on his soft lips overrun with a salty taste from his tears. You haven't done this in so many years you're sure you won't stop now you start unbuttoning his shirt and pull away just for a moment to see if he's okay with this. He's crying again so you stop your hands laying still on his chest "I'm sorry you're drunk and I'm taking advantage of that.." he rubs his lips with the back of his hands "don't continue doing this if you aren't gonna be in my bed tomorrow Y/n I can't deal knowing you'd leave me" you take that to the heart feeling the guilt crawl into your ribs and flip your stomach that wasn't a promise you could keep but you were sure as hell going to try.

"I have a meeting tomorrow but I'll be sure to be back so let's not worry" you continue unbuttoning his shirt then drop to your knees to unbutton his trousers too you look up at Arthur hoping he's watching your every move because right now you were showing him exactly how much you wanted him but he wasn't you could tell he had a question burning his throat. "How many others have you done this with?" that wasn't quite the question you were expecting you know lying would only hurt him but telling him the truth would probably hurt him more. "Four I just don't see what that has to do with this moment Arthur" you answer so quickly you think he might not catch it. Still, he does and nods slowly before grabbing your hand that lays on his trousers "so you're a liar" you examine his hardened facial expression unsure of what he was speaking of. "What? Arthur, I would never lie to you" he glances at your hand then lets it drop to your lap "in your letters you lied y/n we were supposed to be each other first when it comes to lovemaking has it been so long that you forgot about that?" you hadn't forgotten actually it had been what you had been thinking of for the longest of years since you moved away but you had urges that you couldn't satisfy by yourself sometimes. "Arthur Havisham there is a difference between lovemaking and fucking someone beyond repair the thought of having you one of those nights led me to those actions. Now if you'll let me I want to make love to you tonight. Just you."

Arthur smiles at those words after many years it was like the wish he had wished so many times above a cake was finally coming true but he had to make sure. "you promise you won't leave me?" you stand up and take his head in your hands again "if I leave you're coming with me."

@jazespoet

@cuddly-dean-baby

@edmetalqueer

@pinkflamingobee

@youroldtrenchcoat

@h4untedc1ty

@daybreakmistakes

@verygaynotherapy

@massivebooklover123

@stinkysam

I @ a few people who liked the last post about Arthur Havisham it is here and now that I would like to say though if you are not he/him aligned this post or any post that I post with this character is not for you because it will most likely be male aligned. (Also one of the people I tagged is they/them if you'd like to be taken off please contact me.)

[sharpestasp]

Time for more 3 sentence ficlets

The 3 Sentence ficathon is still running strong; we went to a second post for prompts today!

Fandoms are The Expanse, Golden Girls, Star Wars, Elementary, and Ted Lasso!

The Expanse, Chrisjen Avasarala, quiet moment

Too many pieces of a puzzle with no border, no map, and too much open space -- this was her life now. She might never know another day of peace, she might well meet her death on her feet as she juggled the parts of her life that she had to keep in the air.

Right now, though, she swept it back from her mind, refused to contemplate the latest news, and just breathed for the sake of breathing.

++

The Golden Girls, Dorothy, Hold your tongue.

"I just think it's very admirable of him to put something into place, Dorothy," Blanche said with satisfaction, "as you told me I needed to be more supportive of gays in visible ways!"

"Just hold that thought for one long moment, Blanche, and let your mouth shut up," Dorothy snapped, "because if you honestly think your brother will be happy knowing these brave men and women have to hide who they are to do their duty, I am ashamed of you!

"This legislation is going to lead to more abuse and suicides among the gay people brave enough to serve than you obviously have any thought for!"

++

Star Wars, Captain Rex & Luke & Leia, too much like your parents

It wasn't that they weren't like their parents, Rex decided, after studying them on Endor for a while, waiting for a transport large enough to take them and their prisoners home.

It was that the two of them mixed up all the pieces of his General and the Senator, with the Princess quicker to temper and action like his General, and the Jedi like the Senator's hopes of finding the peaceful path backed by a willingness to do violence.

The flip of genders to the traits he saw made it amusing, and he kept filing the pieces away for whenever he saw … well, for the future.

++

Elementary, Sherlock/Joan, Wherever we're together, that's my home

Even with a son to occupy her, and writing, and promotion of her work, Joan was restless for the long absence of Sherlock. She could not settle to a task without a thought of him crossing her mind, wondering how he was, where he was.

It was not until he returned to her, and they fell back into the easy grace of life together, that she truly felt as if she were home.

++

Ted Lasso, Rebecca/Ted, "Unusual You" Lyrics

The epiphany didn't come all at once, Rebecca realized, even as she watched other relationships struggle, break, and find their stride. She wasn't looking for anything serious, didn't want it in her life, not after the lies of marriage and struggles with her family's idea of love.

And then it did come to her, that she loved him, that he loved her and had been giving her the time, the space, to let her find her stride, to just be, with the added halo of love tipping them to more than merely friends.

++

Star Wars, Luke Skywalker & Biggs Darklighter, reunion

When a Wookiee won the argument about going back sooner, a TIE fighter squadron had one less kill, leaving an astromech droid intact, and a pair of lifelong friends able to make good on the joy of reunion crushed by the need to scramble to fighters so quickly.

While a Princess and a General planned both the awards and the evacuation, two pilots from a mostly forgotten world found a private place, to catch up, letting Luke unburden the losses to someone who had actually known the Lars family. And Biggs, friend that he was, held back the tidal wave of the friends he'd lost in the battle, to let Luke have true grief that adrenaline had been holding back.

[thatsuhboldchoice]

i am obsessed with the rsc genderswapped taming

i was honestly unsure going in even though i love a good gender swap bc shrew can be so hard to watch

i was curious but did kinda think it could be a cluster

it's so gender dependent but obviously that was the entire point

i mean right off the bat it demonstrates why i love genderswaps to begin with bc all of the sudden the women who have been confined to these vary narrow types of roles just get to explode and interpret a much fuller range of their humanity

gremia is a goddamn scene stealer

trania is having way too much fun

claire price has my entire heart as petruchia

i want to personally strangle petruchio with my bare hands in 90% of productions

but everything happening here i love

100% emphasizes petruchio as a misfit

her little vocal break whenever she says her father is dead

katherine seems way more low key but also that may be my own gender bias coming out where a man behaving badly i don't judge as harshly?

like a usual female kate yells and throws something and i'm like she's amped up whereas a man does it and my brain goes sure okay

that was a observation i made throughout the entire show

like something i noticed about how i was responding to it

even though it's set up as a matriarchy, coming to it through a patriachial lens, the women never do seem as threatening?

like there are certain simple lines that come out of the traditionally male characters mouths that are just SO cruel without them even trying

but here it seemed less vicious?

for example the "taming" scenes were played with very little humor and with katherine actually incredibly distressed

and i felt that for sure

but the humiliation still didn't cut as deep?

(as much as i loved it overall though i do think there was maybe something missing in the development of the kate and petruchia relationship? like one scene towards the end that maybe needed to sit somewhere else tonally...bc i didn't fully believe that he was "tamed " aka he was just going along with stuff to stop the poor treatment, but i also didn't really catch the moment when he (or her) truly caught a case of the feelings for each other...but they still played it like that at the end...not that those are the only two interpretations)

but then that last speech!!!

all context all world building all pretense aside

hearing these words said by a man: "I am ashamed that [men] are so simple / To offer war where they should kneel for peace; / Or seek for rule, supremacy and sway, / When they are bound to serve, love and obey. / Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth, / Unapt to toil and trouble in the world, / But that our soft conditions and our hearts / Should well agree with our external parts?"

was goddamn revolutionary

like holy shit i had a religious experience during this final monologue

AND THEN because man is used gender neutrally so often in english...it reads as everyone being soft and weak and that we are ALL froward and unable worms, our lances are but straws

we are just soft and squishy humans who fight too much (esp. men)

my hearing of this final monologue is forever changed

GODDAMN SHAKESPEARE STOP BEING RELEVANT

(also i cannot believe they made no cuts i mean Good For Them but my goodness)

[simplymekaty]

The one where I don't believe in romantic happy endings

I don't believe that romantic love is meant for me anymore. And I am O.K. with that. It's other people who are not O.K. with me thinking that.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...I don't think everyone gets their romantic relationship happy ending. I thought I'd got mine and then it turned out I wasn't what he wanted. The man I loved decided that anything & anyone was better than anything I could offer him & I quickly & painfully learnt that kind of rejection is something that is really hard to get over.

I'm not heartbroken anymore but I am certainly closed off in a way that I wasn't before. I've tried to convince myself that I am not but I really am. Any attempts that have been made to break down the walls I've put up have been steadfastly rejected.

But if I am truly honest (and hey it's me, I can't not say it like it is), I have always been the same. My last long term relationship, it took him over a month & a half to persuade me to go on a sort of date with him and even then I brought a friend. I kid you not. But from that date forward. I was all in. Even though I didn't realise it for a few months. I really was.

I think some break ups spur you on to learn from the mistakes you make & grow into a wiser, more emotionally secure and emotionally available partner for the next person you become involved with. But others leave you with a person shaped hole in your very soul that you never imagined you'd have to reshape and fit someone else into... so you brick up the gap and woe betide anyone who comes along and tries to break down the wall and fit themselves into the space that was meant for someone else. But of course, no one can fill the space of someone else in the same way, no matter how much you might want them to. I mean they say comparison is the thief of joy and they aren't wrong. Comparing the good parts of someone you miss to a new person and them falling short of your expectations can never be a good thing because no two people are the same. But it's hard not to do it. And especially when the person shaped hole you still have is someone that meant so very much to you.

I'm told my view point is not healthy. I know that. But I won't just let anyone in. Not romantically speaking. Because like I said, when I do let someone in, I'm all in. The whole kit & caboodle. No holds barred. Jumping from the plane and hoping I remembered my parachute. I don't know how to be anything less than 100% invested in someone. And being a 100% all in, it brings the risk of heartache. And honestly, I don't have anything left for someone new to break.

It's weird because I make fast friends ALL the time. I'm utterly carefree when meeting new people. It's like hearing a new song for the first time and just wanting to play it on repeat constantly. And these new friendships either get moved to my constant playlist or resigned to the bottom of my friend collection, perhaps never to be played again. But woe betide anyone that tries to turn a friendship into something "more meaningful". That shit don't work on me boys.

Well, every now and then, someone has come along and impacted me in a way that I never expected but it's very rare. And some of those people have made me catch my breath for a long time after they have left. Hindsight has me thoroughly ashamed that any of them, bar one, ever caught my attention in the first place. But then we all have that one...the what if. But what's the point of what ifs. There isn't one.

Time will always show you that there is no value in going back to where you lost someone. Especially if the place where you lost someone is where they purposely left you. Leaving someone and losing someone are two very different circumstances. And those circumstances can make you look back wistfully when you still miss them. But they will never be there again. Even as a friend. Which is probably the really sad part. How can someone that meant so much just be gone from your life. But it happens. It happened. On top of everything else, you not only lose your lover but your best friend too. And it sucks. Who wants to go through that again. Not me.

What's done is done. And so the walls will stay up and I'll always willingly celebrate other people's unions and revel in their joy & happiness at having found each other. I mean who doesn't love a good love story!

But I'll keep me for me. And be content with memories that now make me smile rather than weep and just be happy that despite everything, I am still here and I am living my life, differently from how I had at one time imagined but still living it to the full. Love is just not for me and that's O.K.

[patheticcpeach]

Dear Mom and Dad

Do I dare even call you guys that? I'm your daughter, the youngest out of 4. I am 23, 5'5, and my favorite color is bright green and blue at the moment. I currently working my ass off, I have my own car, 3 credit cards, and even a pretty good credit score. I graduated college but haven't worked in the field yet. I'm certainly not financially smart, no thanks to you. I live in a reality where money truly doesn't mean anything. yea sure I need it to buy things that I want and need but I'll never die for money. I'll never die for a lot of things that aren't myself. I'm actually pretty selfish when it comes down to it. I know my demands and I try to get them for myself as much as I can. Thanks for teaching me that.

Earlier today, I had the dream again. Where I invite you to dinner and a fancy restaurant, that's probably in a really nice hotel. One can only dream of getting reservations there, but I know a guy. I'm wearing a red dress and I look amazing. I invite you to sit and have a chat with me. We obviously haven't spoken in a while so we need to catch up. I start with small talk because of course you aren't going to start it. "do you guys know who I am?" I ask. you stare at me blankly. "our daughter?" is what I imagine you'd say. I'd laugh out of pity. I'm in total disgusted that you still consider me a daughter vs a stranger. which is what we really are. you don't know me. not one single ounce. I'm not here to blame you and point fingers, I guess I'm truly trying to understand when did you stop loving me. you say you love me and what the best for me. Not once have you tried to reach out. I'm upset that you don't see why I am upset.

It hits me. when I used to cry when I was younger, you would tell me to stop crying. never ask why or comfort me. crying in your eyes is weak. I was ashamed of crying for YEARS. I think I still am to this day. why did you never comfort me, reassure me that everything was going to be okay? never told me to love myself and my body before loving another person. never told me not to let others have sex with me even when I didn't want to. never told me that it is okay to have bad days. never told me how easy it is to fall in love and rely on the kindness of others though they can hurt you. never told me not to give up. at a young age, I understood that it's better to hide your emotions instead of expressing them because no one wants to see a sad person. In reality, you're the saddest people I've ever met. It pains me to see how you struggled for years and have kept it in. you're not in love with yourself or others. stuck in your ways. never moving forward. maybe it's because you grew up in a different world. why did you have me? you had me physically never mentally or emotionally I think. It seems like we were never meant to be together.

we both cant change that. were bounded. I struggled so much internally growing up and it's really amazing how it's affecting me now as an adult. I have so much trauma. I blame you for letting those people hurt me. why did you let them do that to me? do you not love me so much? why did you always invalidate my feelings? why did your laws make me financially guilty at 9 years old?

Mom, why did you keep those bad men around? knowing they were hurting your kids. I know you knew. you were jealous of it. I felt it. you got rid of one of your daughters for him. I can't even fathom her pain. She's fucked up. why did you convince me that I didn't need my dad, except when it came down for back to school stuff? did you think that I wouldn't feel it? did you ever consider my feelings? do you love me? do you blame me for something? I am sorry you thought these decisions were the right choices at the time. Sorry if you felt like you have no other option. That is the constant feeling I get from you. Like it's my fault or any of your kids' fault for your actions. have you ever been happy? have you ever been in love? do you love yourself? This is truly why I stopped talking to you. It's not a good feeling when you're constantly in the middle of problems and seem to blame me. Make me feel guilty for things I simply can't control. Not talking to you makes me happy. I feel a weight off my shoulders. However, On days like today, I can't stop thinking about you and everything you are to me. where we do stand?

Dad. Honestly. you're a small-minded man. stuck inside because you're afraid of what others think of you. which is hilarious because you make a fool out of yourself all the time. I get that from you. Aren't you happy to see that in all of your kids? Were you ever proud of me? I feel like we missed out on each other when I was younger. I gave a year of time, to living in your house. It was fucking hell. I hated it. I was so sad and depressed, did you even care? do you consider any other person's feelings besides your own? I saw what type of person you are in a way I didn't know. You're so hurt under it. You flip a switch when people visit you. You rely on the kindness of strangers too. Doesn't matter who they are. Why don't you listen to me? Is it because I'm a woman? Why are you so quick to invalidate my feelings? a whole fucking year with you and still don't care. why don't you care about me? you don't fight for me. Your daughter was harassed and you closed the door in our faces. How was I supposed to be there?

If I never talk to you again, I hope you're happy. Generally happy. I picture this life where you have beautiful lives and lived greatly. hands out the window vibing. Listening to your favorite songs. dancing carelessly. You're loved by somebody. Your hopes and dreams are vailed and matter. I hope someone has said that to you. I just can't look at you. Too much personally hurt and I'm trying to figure it out. Yes, you're my parents but we are not friends. You've created a mess of children and you don't know how to start. Is that what scares you? about admitting your wrongs. It's hard to do so, when you're so ignorant and care what other have to say about you. I am beautiful and smart. I had to parent myself and it's been hard but I am managing better than anyone can ever. Thanks to jay also. She deserves so much more.

nearly had a panic attack trying to think and rationalize this dream. when I'm done talking, there's silence. You can't even believe what I have said. Then leave again to not hear your thoughts. It seems like we're never meant for each other. maybe in another life.

ashley.