#i am. maybe spiraling a bit
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snowzone
#dreamworks trolls#trolls#trolls john dory#trolls bruce#trolls clay#trolls floyd#trolls branch#brozone#kinda missing the snow#while I'm glad it's not so cold anymore; I am not looking forward to how hot it gets#their sleds are walnut shells!! would a walnut shell make a good sled? probably not but it's cute so... walnut sled!#wanted to give bitty b one of those baby cow earmuffs and it spiraled to this lol#also saw some panels of dungeon meshi where young elves where these hats. truly inspired#haven't read/watched it yet but i can tell i would totally love it#I'm thinking of maybe making this my banner? it's like accidentally the correct size#trolls fanart#excuse the messiness#my art <3#trolls band together#i have another snowzone drawing but im not really vibing with it.#thinking of maybe posting those discarded sketches under like... a scrapyard tag#there's only like 2 sketches so far lol#sorry I haven’t posted some broppy in a bit#been having some trouble with it coming out a little stiff. so I’m thinking that some good old brozone can refresh my system lol
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#the magnus protocol#tmagp#tmagp fanart#magnus protocol#happy magprotocol! (i am a month late)#ok this is maybe a bit spiral vibes but in my defence it slaps
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,,, little lemmings in line...
#adamandi#needed this. idk. shameless fluff. i. sjdhdjfhfhfhfhf viewing this doodle just makes me happy ok#something silly. i feel like lately i've been a lot more earnest on this blog and it's nice!!#the imagery that the lyrics evoke.... goes so hard actually. consider this maybe an outtake of the last 'where can i run' thingy#yes i get the whole lemmings off a cliff thing but also i think taking it at face value would be cute therefore this#since basically they refer to the rest of the students as lemmings.. he's human in this one i guess.#quincent thoughts. many many. but also i have been maybe avoiding engaging with quincy on a more intense level? until i am in a better#mental state to do so. because the whole academic perfection and self harm is a Thing i would like to engage with Properly without spirals#yay on me for being healthy about media! not normal and never normal. but healthy is good i guess#... hm. family is being iffy lately because you're supposed to have good acads And not stressed but i refuse to feel guilty anymore.#after this period i'll go bonkers over him and in the meantime unfortunately they won't feature as much in the content.. :<#anyways. fun fact about lemmings is that it's not necessarily a derogatory blindly leaping to deaths thing when it comes to the actual ones#like that's the phrasing and connotation right. but apparently it's more of they leap off cliff into water below or smth to migrate and onl#the rare few die (skill issue??um) and apparently the whole association was propagated by some documentary wildlife drama thing that kind o#.... hastened the chasing of the poor things off the cliff and filmed it. a bit messed up. and like i guess what a nice metaphor for the#academic context here? or a different one at least. where only a few die so they keep doing it but also for the Average lemming following#following the system is not inherently bad.. maybe i'm projecting.#anyways peep the tiny character shorthands now.. ambrose has the jacket/ bea has the hat and gloves with strings: portia has the bow on hea#quincy has the bowtie and glasses /(beatrix also has glasses. i forgot about those until i was drawing quincy's.)#'avvy why are they standing up' you ask? because four legs looked weird with ambrose's jacket. 'why did you give lemmings glasses?' ummmmm#i guess recognisability? don't look too much into it#outtakes of this include vincent standing in a circle of lemmings. it's badly drawn and frankly hilarious because they're all tiny and#below the knee.#'avvy these don't look like realistic lemmings' you are very right. i am sorry. i looked for a crowd of lemmings on google images and all i#found were political cartoons... i Can draw animals technically i swear#anyways! emotional support adamandi doodle out. going to start work now!#oh i forgot to tag the characters... hm... i guess i'll leave out the lemmings..#?#vincent aurelius lin#.
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finding out someone you liked years ago liked you back might be the worst thing that has ever happened to any Me ever... i have the sudden lesbian urge to get on a plane.
#this has me thinking that maybe i AM a little bit cute and not a solid 6 on a good day#bc she was the hottest girl i have ever met irl#this might do permanent damage to my ego. and by that i mean it might inflate into some kind of grotesque monster of a being#i literally only just got over my ex#and now im spiralling over a girl i spent 2 weekends with in 2019...#i Am the lesbian stereotype in fact. useless lesbian georg#personal#sorry that this blog has becoming half me just venting abt my messy and yet somehow presently non-existent love life
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I like doomed narratives but my ultimate Wizard101 NPC ending is the Young Wizard living in a nice secluded place with all their friends (all the necromancers, Ceren, Nolan, fuck you Boris you can live outside, Dasein, the Schismist Soldier, Mellori and the Bat) like a little village but they're all roommates and they do things like farming and brewing hot tea on Sundays free from Ambrose and the rest of the damned Spiral
#ik thats a lot of people HALSJDLDHDH#but in my version of Wizard101 that's everyone's ending. they get to heal together#i know i said all of the necromancers but i think i like it better if duncan was like maybe separate#not because i hate him but because im a huge believer of not being able to heal when the person who hurt you is right there#AND EVEN THOUGH WE DIDNT HURT HIM ON PURPOSE we're still a source of his trauma and i cant see duncan living with us right away yknow#like maybe later on in life but i like him better on his own off in the spiral to see the world and humble himself#*with artur and susie because he loves them#BUT YEA my wizard lives with everyone else at the Very End. fuck you ambrose /lh but /srs#the odd ones out honestly are ceren and nolan bc iirc in canon they dont go thru any type of shit. theyre fine#the rest of the group i mentioned have FLASHBACKS. theres some Trauma Periodt. in their cereal for breakfast#but i mean ceren and nolan can come if they want its fine#i MEAN IT about boris he CANNOT COME#yeah i said the schismist soldier. thats just my personal fantasy ik he hates us#here i am saying duncan cant be around us but thr schismist soldier ABSOLUTELY cannot be around us. but in my world he can! im a hypocrite!#itd be funny if he was still like. just a liiitle bit obsessed but its not because of his inferiority and god complexes he's just gay for us#......yeah im biased okay look he's hot leave me alone /lh#wizard101#w101#wiz101#text posts
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so i went on a date today.
#it went really well#we met up at 4pm for like walk and coffee and then maybe pints after#tell me how its now 3am and i am just now getting into bed#fully yapping for hours w that guy#and we kissed and i was a bit like oh hes nice but idk if im like sexually attracted to him but after that smooch yeah okay#i can get down with this#but now im kinda spiraling bc i didnt bring up being aro and idk when you bring that up#and im like gaslighting myself again that maybe im not aro bc today was so fun but like#watch me date this guy for like three months then the aro signs will be strong w me#its just like hyperfixation excitement but idk#or is that the gaslighting and i acc do feel romantic towards him#god i wish my brain made sense to me sometimes#oh also this was my first first date since jan 2023 so like its been a minute for me#anyways maybe i should stop panicking and just like enjoy it as it goes#bc just bc first date went well doesnt mean its gonna become a thing thing for sure right? so no need to worry rn#i liked holding his hand tho and him kissing me on the cheek and usually i dont like that#but also i was three drinks in so maybe it was alcohol courage idk??? aaaaaaaaaaaaaa#being aro is so confusing#aromantic
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what do you mean my friends have a discord server without me. haha anyways i should die?
#okay#no thats okay#everytime i am asked by the people around me ‘don’t you have any close friends?’ and i hesitate for a long while#the neurodivergent struggle to establish meaningful connections with the people in your life!!!#like dang i really do not have anyone i can feel confident feels the same way about me#except maybe raiha. i love you li#even then it kinda feels like i’ve been a burden aaahhahh#therapy is so expensive and not as gratifying so i should go eat a nice meal once i’m done spiraling#holy shit i need to do busy myself so i don’t have emotions again#thank god i wont have to see anyone again after this#but that makes me a bit sad too#i'm always of the habit of cutting everyone off and leaving.. but it's not necessarily a happy outcome for me sigh#something something floater friend#god. they need to have a free trial on killing yourself
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Writing the Spiral is absolutely great fun! But nothing quite says "being a Novelist would Not Be For You" like writing a story for 17 months and suddenly realizing for the first time that maybe things would be a little easier if I wrote a brief summary of my OCs' most important traits / characteristics.
You know. For my own future reference, since I keep getting confused and needing to re-check someone's first name from previous chapters.
#my sister has written four novels to date and honestly? i dont understand how.#the spiral#bonus points: MAYBE my betas incl my wife will find it a TINY BIT easier to understand my OCs#if they have a reference to what they're SUPPOSED to be like#food for thought!!!#i love writing. am i any good at it? well you see I love writing---#now to Picrew...
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oh to have a fiend plush… i mean i can technically get one made by budsies (a plush making company) but you’re probably not comfortable with that. which is perfectly valid
i must confess i never thought i would admire them so much as i do lol (even if they slightly scare me /lh)
ah well i’ll continue to admire them from afar
Yeah, not only would I be very uncomfortable with that, it'd be incredibly disrespectful (and just plain weird) to take my personal character (or anyone's, really) and make a plush of them to keep for yourself - so, please do not do that
If I did theoretically have a project featuring Bean and Fiend, and it was popular enough for merch, Fiend plush would definitely be one of the first things to make, much to their chagrin hehe
Again, unlikely to happen, but thanks for liking Fiend so much!
(Also tangent, but if I had a nickel for every time someone really liked a more antagonistic spin-off of Bean, I would have at least two nickels, which is not a lot, but it is weird that it has happened at least twice… (reference))
#bean talks too much#sometimes I do think it would be cool to have a project with that kinda popularity but then I think about for like two more seconds kjdgfkj#for one I tend to work on things super hard for a while and then burn out completely and then never get back to that level of work#two I can barely handle the 'popularity' I have right now which isn't even that much#I already get super overwhelmed with checking tumblr in the morning and seeing like 50 notes and maybe one ask#imagine that times like ten and I explode into green slime#and I am bad at talking to people so I end up ghosting everyone by accident and I probably come across stand-offish and unapproachable#and I don't reach out to anyone bc it's fucking terrifying so most days I simply do not talk#three I am super particular/protective about things so if people took my characters and made AUs about them I'd probably freak the fuck out#which I know is INCREDIBLY HYPOCRITICAL of me to say bc I do exactly that so I would probably have to just deal with it#these are all things I personally need to work on but still scary to think about#what was this ask about I spiralled a bit#uhhhhhhh thanks for liking Fiend#okay time to draw what I was supposed today
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it's been a real struggle to find notebooks that I actually like, but I think I have found myself at a crossroads where I must ask myself--
am I the kind of person who would put function above form, and use the lovely, though plain notebooks from the office supply store
or am I the type to say fuck it, form over function, bitch, and order a custom-made one with a collage of my blorbo on it strictly for the meme
#squirrel speaks#i'm like... genuinely considering a custom one#because i have such DIFFICULT TO MEET needs as#1. hardcover that's not spiral-bound (because that shit digs into my wrist and i hate it)#2. lined (preferably a bit tighter than average because i write tiny but that's really whatever)#and 3. not straight-up fucking hideous#which is really not saying much because literally my favorite one i've had so far has been Plain Traffic Cone Orange#my threshold for hideous is LOW. the bar is TWO INCHES off the ground and yet it just cannot be cleared by so many stores#i doN't want glitter and sparkle and squishy bits and extra doodads and dumb quotes#i just want a nice flat design. maybe artwork. maybe a pattern. a cute character. something not obnoxious. is that really so hard#i'm tempted to just buy plain ones in every color there is#but i'm also tempted to make a wildly ugly collage#and just make some poor worker somewhere plaster Astarion's face all over a custom one for me For The Bit#...... though i am also thinking of just. buying a bunch of sticker sets and making a fucking scrapbook of it#i'm a goddamn adult; if i want to stick Astarion's face onto my notebook water bottle AND phone case I fucking can#who's gonna stop me; the police? hardly#the cringe police? they can try#i'm too slippery; they won't catch me. weasel-woman 2.0
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... here i am deciding that the in-between rambles for the hhau mimic arc are definitely too descriptive, obscenely long, and will not fit into one neat post. (currently 4,4k words and still going, and that's just a part of it still)
so in other news, yep, yeah, i split up mimic arc again to give this its own space—
#i blame using the rp bits in this#it could be told a lot more succinctly and plainly but#i am going to assume you guys enjoy the details :3c#bUT!!!#separating it like this#(and having the mimic arc balloon and spiral under my fingertips-)#(despite the mimic not being around anymore)#will allow me to maybe post the first bit of it one of these days!#without having to worry about getting it AAAALL done in one go#which is a bit of an exhausting thought even if i love hhau and this arc to bits#i have updated the mimic arc outline in the hhau masterpost#the part titles might change depending on how things go#they're placeholders for now but feel free to go check them out
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I know, I know that making another vet appointment for my elderly cat would be good because she’s been throwing up more than usual and that means her kidneys are probably getting worse.
But I’m also so scared of what the vet might say about her. Because right now I can live in ignorance and she can cuddle in bed with me and eat treats and chirp and yell at me at 5 in the morning asking for breakfast and I can pretend that means nothing is wrong. And she can keep being one of the biggest comforts to me despite all the deeply distressing stuff that’s happening around me right now.
But she’s 18 and I need to make sure she’s doing well. Her quality of life is the only thing that matters and taking her to the vet to get her levels checked is the best way to ensure that quality of life.
But god. It’s scary. There’s so much that can be wrong in a body as old as hers.
But I love her. So I’m gonna swallow my fear and prioritize her above everything else.
#drowsy is talking again#bit venty so. sorry bout that#but I mean. when am I not using this blog as a diary so.#anyways. tbh I think maybe I’m actually just spiraling a little about this#but I need to just rip myself out of the spiral and be an adult#as much as that’s scary and as much as it feels like something terrible is gonna come from it
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i am still so weak dude even just using the trackpad on my laptop for a minute or maybe even less to scroll on tumblr was enough to make my arm tingly nd numb
#and it just spreads out through my body i am so oug......#i slept since 1pm yesterday to 6am today i think? and i still feel so tired my brain cant function#i just feel so heavy n like even breathing is taking every ounce of energy i have#i dont even know why it's hitting me so hard right now#usually i only pass out once or twice in a month n i recover pretty quickly but this has been rapid fire n constantly getting worse#i dont even think ill be able to go back to silks this week :(#and that fucking sucks not only because i really enjoy it but also it's the only thing that gets me out of the house#it's the only thing i have to use against my anxiety#i just feel like im stuck getting physically worse n because of that ill be forced to mentally regress from all the work ive put in#at the same im. doing a lot better mentally i think just because i hav my partner n being able to spend time w them just. changes everythin#everything is so much better & feels so much more possible#maybe ill be ok if i have that#it's not the full isolation downward spiral that would usually happen#i still have something 2 push myself for#i still have a bit of a continuous thing going im still not. failing? maybe . i dont know#from the second i go 2 sleep 2 the second i can talk to them again i cam looking forward to it i am buzzing#i just wish my body would allow me to have good things o(-<
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I should have picked the other college
#cemmie not ur fault btw#I'm just spiralling a bit because everyone thinks i made the right choice but I'm not sure I did#they don't even have a classics program I'll have to get permission to go to another college in the area for Latin classes if i care enough#why didn't i double check that? why did i only get accepted to the schools i added to my list bc me n my twin wanted to go together#and they wanna be an engineer#and i don't even know what I'm doing so I'm sure it'll be fine and I'll even be happy or at least no sadder than I am noe#and soon APs and race season will be over and maybe without all the stress I'll feel like a human being again#maybe.#rio remarks#vent post
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explosion.gif
#i am so in love its unreal. never have i ever before felt this wealth of human emotions so concentrated over the past month and a week#genuinely mind boggling how talking to logan more and more and then dating him has literally made me feel likr a new man.#not that im different or that i absolutely need him to function in my day to day life#but its the richness that being in love brought to my life that was unexpected#i had a thing with another online friend like 4 yrs ago and it never felt like much admittedly. i almost gave up dating when he broke it off#bc i thought there was something to online dating that wasnt cutting it and i didnt stand a chance at meeting someone irl#and that entire time i knew logan at least a little bit but we didnt really begin talking often until like#6 months ago maybe? and just the more we talked the more we clicked ajd i liked him so much but i was so afraid that it wouldnt be mutual#and i was so afraid that even if he is in what feels like a pretty open polycule hed never ask me out or anything#and then he did and my world felt like it exploded into a cacophony of colors and sounds and feelings and emotions#like something had been unlocked in me that hadnt been touched in years. my ability to love.#and with that came some of the most upsetting spiraling intense depressive states of my life. but it was okay. it still is okay.#its only been a bit over a month but it feels like so much more than that bc i feel like everything is so much more vivid now#i also think im beginning to take a very particular fondness to someone else in the cule but im so not stating who or expanding upon it#he also makes me really happy but i dont think im ready to take that step yet. even if it would be a dream come true.#i love what i have now and i dont want to complicate it yet.#a extremely loving and charming boyfriend and a couple of other close friends who happen to also be dating him is good. its awesome#i just. i dont know. i dont know how logan would feel abt it. i dont know abt how other guy would feel abt it.#sometimes im not even sure how i would feel abt it#aughghhhhhhhh. yeah. human emotion. love for my boyfriend who is beautiful and loving and charming and funny and talented. ueh#i dont think he reads these rambles. sometimes i hope he does. sometimes i hope he doesnt. i love him so much#i dont want to worry him with my shit constantly but it would also be nice to worry him with it occasionally#logan if you see this i love you more than words could ever describe. im so happy that ur in my life and that you chose me to be in ur own#gamey rambles#💜
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#i think ive been going way too overboard from what im actually comfortable with i dont actually like that#this is all weird and ive been acting weird and i feel bad maybe my mind has been way too foggy for me to. really think straight#like that sounds really dramatic i just feel weird and uncomfortable and wrong like my posts are weird and my attempts at talking#to people are weird and my conversations with my friends are weird#like im not acting like myself or im too out of it to remember how to act like myself#idk. i just dont wanna keep doing any of this but im not sure what ''any of this'' is#i got myself in some kind of spiral and im not having fun and i feel bad and gross and lame#i think im in an actual like bad mental health state#and i now im worried i have thousands of people following this damn blog and seeing my posts while im in a vulnerable state#and im acting erratic and weird and because i post my every thought in this website everybody is seeing me act erratic and weird#which just makes me much more anxious#i really hate how prone i am to letting my mental health make me act weird and how prone i am to over posting online due to a lack of#impulse control#and how i have an amount of followers that is way too large for it to be safe or healthy for me to be fucking myself over online#i am not minimally healthy or stable enough to keep my posture in front of a large audience and this should never have happened to me#i dont know that being said i should probably take a break for a bit#post less until i can get my head in place
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