#i can barely handle stairs right now. i can manage for work because i've ALWAYS managed for work but-

[galwaygremlin]

downsides of taking an unplanned pain-nap in the middle of the day: am now Awake

upsides (?) of doing so: can sign up for a 24 starting at 6pm tomorrow and be reasonably alert for at least part of that shift

[diavolosthots]

Hey dear! I hope that you have a good time! I want to make a request, but please delete it if you don't feel like doing it.

I saved that request in the notes and been waiting for you to open them 😊

For request

First fight with brother (any of your choice) and one of them (I mean MC or that brother) thinks that it's end of relationship (because never had anything serious), but they reconciled in the end. I want some heavy angst with happy ending. MC can be GN if that is OK.

If you don't mind you can do for Mammon, but feel free to choose another one if you don't feel like write for him. Or if that would be better to write as headcanons for all the brothers. That's up to you!

I haven't been doing requests for ages. Please don't hate me if there is something wrong! I've read the rules, and I hope I haven't missed anything.

Anyway, sorry for long ask. And thank you for your writings!

(I forgot to look if you did anything similar, and remembered it at the end of writing that ask. Sorry if you already did something like that!)

Hey babes ❤ I did end up doing HCs for all of them because I thought it would be cooler (or more like I know someone is gonna request separate fics for all of them if I dont and I'm saving myself that trouble lol) I still hope you like it ! ❤ also this got SUPER LONG so its under a cut

Warning: angst -> happy ending-ish

THE BROTHERS in a fight with MC and thinking that they’re over (yikes)

Lucifer:

Everyone always says Lucifer is quick to lose his cool but he’s honestly been nothing but patient with you. He may have hinted at several things he doesn’t condone and he definitely has that ‘look’, you know the disappointed dad look, but he has held back a lot so as to not ruin the beautiful relationship you have with him. Everyone snaps, though, and when he finally did, it was ugly. He did NOT call you names, but oh he didn’t. He went straight for your feelings and pointed out every mistake you ever made for as long as he’s known you. Ouch. In his defense, you weren’t nice either. The argument ended nasty and ‘I hate you’s!’ were definitely thrown around, but none of them were meant, right? Goodness, he doesn’t know. After you left, he threw himself on his bed, literally, and just stared at the ceiling. His anger slowly fled away and he began to feel… guilty. Not necessarily because of the argument itself, but because he delivered some low blows and he knows that. Are you over? Done with him? You haven’t texted or called or talked… you’ve been actively avoiding him and he doesn’t like that, but his pride is such an issue, goodness. He can’t straight up apologize, that dickhead, but he’s sending you flowers and standing in front of your door with a sad face that says it all. 

“Forgive me? I made reservations at your favorite’s? We can talk over a nice dinner?” 

Mammon:

Mammon is known to get mildly agitated over the silliest things, let’s be real. He’s also quick to revert to the “are you dumb?!” argument, which is never effective. But he loves you and he would do anything for you so even if you do do something that he deems ‘dumb’, he usually bites his tongue. Doesn’t mean that doesn’t get on his nerves, though, and he definitely has a short temper, although people tend to overlook that. You just managed to push his buttons today and he used the “are ya stupid?!” argument, to which you obviously defended yourself, and rightfully so. This ended in a massive screaming match and him saying “Then leave! Ain’t nobody keepin’ ya with me!” He regretted it the minute those words left his mouth and you could see his eyes grow wide in shock at his own words, but that didn’t mean you stayed. “MC!” he tried running after you immediately but you were faster and honestly, who can blame you? He fucked up, and he knows it, and he feels terrible about it. Honestly, he’s crying just at the mere thought of you taking his words seriously and he can’t… he can’t bear to lose you, you know? What’s he gonna do? You’re the light of his life, as pathetic as that may sound to some…. So he won’t let you run away. Homie will hunt you down and beg for forgiveness. 

“Please, MC! Forgive me! I’m dumb, not you!!! Don’t leave me…” Don’t leave him. He will continue crying. 

Leviathan:

His constant need to put himself down is frankly, quite annoying. To you anyway. But you put up with it and just reassure him that, at least to you, he’s the most amazing demon that ever existed. It’s just facts. But a person only has so much patience, right? You can’t always spend your days trying to lift him up when all he does is dig himself a bigger hole. Who has the emotional time for that? You sure don’t. “Oh my God, Levi! Shut up! I can’t take it anymore!” Followed by “See! You’re just like everyone else! Leaving me!” and then you slamming the door to his room shut. It’s frustrating and understandably so. It makes you feel awful that you can’t even make your own boyfriend feel good about himself and get at least a little bit of self confidence and it’s so, so, so very draining to have to constantly listen to that. At this point, it’s affecting your own mental health and you just… you just can’t…. But Levi can’t lose you because he knows you’re right. He has to work on himself if he wants to keep someone as amazing as you with him and that’s why he’s crawling back to you now. 

“Look I… I know you’re right… I’m sorry. I promise I’ll … I’ll try. For you.”

Satan:

For being the Avatar of Wrath, you always admired Satan for his ability to keep cool. He prefers the relaxed and easy going life much more than the type of life people expect him to live, and you respect that. That doesn’t mean his constant need to one up Lucifer, through whatever means necessary, didn’t bother the hell out of you, though. You tried talking to him about it once or twice in a calm manner, but you always got the same answer “Pfft.. it’s Lucifer. Who cares?” And it never sat right with you. Just today he decided to pull a prank on the eldest and you had enough, standing in front of Lucifer and letting the bucket of cursed green slime land on you instead, to everyone’s shock. “What are you doing?!” Now that you’re thoroughly green from head to toe, you were also beyond pissed. “What am I doing?! What are YOU doing?!” But Satan matched your anger tenfold, accusing you of favoring Lucifer over him and oh! “You probably got an affair with him, too!” Which was a stupid thing on his part, but it looked like it the way you defended him. Anger doesn’t even begin to describe the emotion you felt running through you and had it not been for Lucifer, you probably would’ve physically fought Satan for such a dumb accusation. Lucifer took you to get cleaned up and lifted the course, giving you your natural skin and hair color back within a few days and plenty of scrubbing, and Satan felt like shit. You’ve always been there for him and, rationally speaking, he didn’t have a reason to doubt your loyalty to him, but he just can’t help but feel insecure beside Lucifer…. He decides to come apologize anyway, a deep blush on his face and guilt in his eyes 

“I’m… sorry for accusing you. It wasn’t my right to speak out of anger and jealousy…” 

Asmodeus:

How can anyone fight with the Avatar of Lust? Seriously, the guy is super easy going and he loves pretty much everyone. Not as much as himself, but almost. You on the other hand… you didn’t. Well you didn’t NOT love him or yourself, but you were just… you. You didn’t spend 4+ hours in the bathroom trying to get ready when you knew you were only going to the kitchen down the stairs. Like?? Although you never brought it up to Asmodeus, he constantly bothered you about skincare and what foods to eat and what not to eat, etc… It’s quite annoying, honestly, and at some point you just gave him a passive aggressive “Okay, whatever. Can we move on now?” To which he didn’t take lightly. He was still nice and sweet, trying to convince you that at least one of these things will make your skin glow brighter than a unicorn’s ass but you just had enough. “Can you stop?! You’re indirectly saying I’m ugly without that shit ton of product in my face and a diet that would make me starve before it helped me! If you want a skinny VS angel that barely holds onto their skeleton, get one!” It was more hurt and frustration speaking than anything, but your outburst still shocked him and he was taken aback for a moment. And then you ignored him for a week straight and as someone who thrives off of attention, especially the kind he gets from you, he can’t handle that! So he showed up in your room in sweats and a tshirt and messy hair and no product on his skin. 

“You’re right… we’re all naturally beautiful…. Wow that… that really hurts to say MC but can you forgive me?” 

Beelzebub:

Oh the sweet, sweet angel. He’s far from innocent and you know that. We all know that. But for this story, I will give him the benefit of the doubt. His reliance on Belphegor is just really… annoying. Belphegor this, Belphegor that. “Belphie used to…” or “Belphie said….” or “one day when Belphie and I….” Like why does everything have to include his twin? It’s so annoying and so rude when your significant other is right here !!! and planning their own future with you, Beel, thanks. It makes you feel less than and like Belphegor will always come before you. It makes you feel like shit, quite frankly, and who is to blame you? “Hey MC did I tell you what Belphie---!” “No! Shut up! I don’t care! It’s always about Belphie! The day you come to me and don’t let that name drip from your tongue is the day Jesus comes back to save me and we both know that will be never! I’m tired of always being stuck with Belphegor! We are not equals!” Granted, you shouldn’t have yelled and Beel was more than confused at your outburst, but you wouldn’t talk to him anymore after that so he left you alone. He thought you may need an hour or two, maybe a day tops, but that day turned into a full week and he even lost his appetite just because he knows you’re angry with him. It’s been a week, does that mean you’re over? His heart aches just at the thought… 

“I’m sorry for bringing Belphie up… I don’t want you to feel less than, MC. You mean a lot to me and so does Belphie, but you’re not Belphie and I need to learn that…”

Belphegor:

Honestly it’s a miracle he hasn’t lost his temper at you yet. Well, he partially blames it on his own laziness because if being angry or getting upset didn’t take so much energy out of him, maybe he would’ve snapped by now lol, but he tries really hard not to because he thinks your relationship with him after everything is pretty good, considering yall kiss and snuggle and fuck on a regular basis. But anyway, that’s exactly the issue. Considering everything, you’re still holding *that* against him. It’s never direct either, which makes it worse. It’s always said in a joking manner and something like “haha look it’s just like that one time you killed me” or “Beel’s grabbing that ham like you grabbed my throat” or “I remember seeing jesus for a moment there” and it agitates him. It makes him so angry, and he finally snapped. “I know I fucked up MC! Stop holding it against me! What do you want? A medal of honor? A survivor's certificate? Maybe a pat on the back for developing some sort of Stockholm syndrome that made you come back to your abuser?!” And then he left. And you may have cried both from confusion and your own anger, he isn’t quite sure. It’s just so…. Aggravating. He can’t deal with it. He knows it was a mistake spurted by his own insecurities and survivor’s guilt which ultimately led to his hatred but please, stop holding it against him.. He can’t keep putting up with it from the person he’s grown to love. He’s the one ignoring you and he won’t budge either because he’s a stubborn ass, but maybe if you come up first… 

“I’m sorry for yelling at you… I’m just so tired for it being held against me… I love you, and you should know that, and I do feel guilty about what happened.” 

[triptuckers]

Protective - Kaz Brekker

Request: yes “Hii darling 😊 Would you maybe writing something where the reader is a member of the Dregs for some time now but lately she is left out of any of the more dangerous jobs and instead is left to smaller ones. The reader is really infuriated about this because skill wise she is almost on the same level as Jesper and Inej. So she goes to Kaz to ask for an explanation and maybe then he admits that he has been assigningher to the less dangerous jobs because he doesn’t want her to get hurt and that he has feelings for her? Hopefully you consider writing this but thanks anyway!!!” Pairing:  Kaz Brekker x reader Summary:  Kaz keeps not including you on jobs, and it’s time you find out why Warnings: slight angst Word count:  1.2K A/N: enjoy reading! :)

Just as you want to knock on Kaz’ door, it opens already. And it’s not Kaz who opens the door, but Jesper.

‘Hi Y/N!’ he says cheerfully before moving past you and heading downstairs. 

You intend to enter Kaz’ office, but another person appears in the door. Inej. She smiles at you before following Jesper. 

Then Nina and Matthias appear, also smiling at you and then following Inej and Jesper. 

Wylan is last, waving at you and tucking a sketchbook in his jacket as he walks down the stairs as well.

You finally enter Kaz’ office, and the first thing you notice is the chairs gathered around his desk, and the mess of papers and blueprints.

‘Saints, did I miss another meeting?’ you say, walking up to the desk.

‘No.’ says Kaz, not looking at you.

You frown at his words and walk closer to the stack of papers. You move to pick up one of the blueprints to get a closer look at it, but Kaz is faster. He basically snatches it away from you, rolling it up and tucking it away behind his desk.

You raise your eyebrows at him. ‘If you don’t want me looking at them just say so.’ you say. ‘No need to snatch them away from me like that.’

‘Don’t want you to get any ideas.’ says Kaz.

‘Like what?’ you say.

‘It doesn’t matter.’ he says. ‘Forget it.’

‘Alright.’ you say as you sit down on one of the chairs. ‘Catch me up.’ you say, motioning to the papers with your hands.

‘There’s nothing for you to catch up on.’ says Kaz, rolling up the rest of the papers and blueprints. 

‘What does that mean?’ you ask him. 

Kaz glances at you and then it hits you. 

‘You don’t want me on this job either, do you?’ you ask him. ‘That’s why you didn’t tell me there was a meeting, you never intended for me to be there in the first place.’

For the past few weeks, he had barely included you in any of his jobs. It was frustrating. 

He ignores you and limps over to the door.

‘Kaz!’ you say. ‘Don’t you dare walk away from me again!’

He’s almost at the door, but you’re faster. With a few big steps, you’ve reached the door. You slam it shut and move to stand in front of it, so Kaz can’t leave. 

He takes a few steps back, creating some space between the two of you.

‘Why do you keep me at the Slat all the time?’ you ask him.

‘I'm not keeping you at the Slat.’ he says.

‘Yes you are!’ you say, your voice getting louder as you let the frustration out. ‘Every time there’s a promising job, you don’t include me in your plans. You shut me out. I deserve to know why, Kaz. I know I'm still the newest member of the crows, and I always will be until someone else tags along. But my skills are almost at the same level as Jesper and Inej, so there’s no tactical advantage in leaving me out.’

Kaz doesn’t say anything. You look at him, waiting for an answer. But he’s merely looking at you, his hands resting on that damned cane of his.

‘Say something!’ you say.

Still, he looks at you but doesn’t say anything.

You throw your hands up in frustration. ‘You’re being incredibly insufferable right now! You think just because you run this place, you can do whatever you want, pick whoever you want for a job. I'm warning you Kaz, if you leave me out again, I'm leaving. There’s plenty of gangs who do value my skills.’

You turn and reach out for the doorknob, when Kaz finally speaks up. 

‘There’s a reason why I choose not to include you on most of the jobs.’ he says.

‘Now we’re getting somewhere.’ you say, turning around. You gesture for him to keep on talking.

Kaz is avoiding looking at you. It’s something you’re not used to. He’s always walking around the place, his cane making a familiar thumping sound as it hits the ground with every step he takes.

He knows damn well he’s considered one of the most dangerous criminals in all of Ketterdam, and he’s not easily intimidated. 

But now he’s looking at your shoulder instead of your eyes, his hands gripping tightly at his cane.

‘I don’t include you on most of the jobs because I think they’re too dangerous.’ he says.

‘But you’d happily let anyone else tag along. Why not me? You know I can handle myself perfectly fine.’ you say.

‘Oh, trust me, I'm well aware of that.’ says Kaz. ‘But there’s a whole lot of things that can go wrong during a job. That’s why I always have so many backup plans.’

‘Then why not include me in them?’ you ask him.

‘I told you. Because it’s too dangerous.’ he says.

‘But that still doesn’t make any sense, Kaz.’ you say. ‘It doesn’t explain why you only refuse to include me, and not any of the others.’

‘Because I can’t stand the idea of something happening to you on my watch.’ says Kaz. ‘The thought of it is almost unbearable.’

You look at him in surprise. All of your frustration and anger seems to leave your body. You’d spent hours going over every possible reason why he would leave you out, but this hadn’t come up once. 

Kaz sighs, turning away from you and walking toward his desk. You’re frozen at the spot, watching him walk away.

‘What?’ you manage to say. 

Kaz briefly looks up at you before continuing to clean up his desk.

‘I know your skills. I know you can handle yourself. I've watched you beat up men twice as big as you. But I keep thinking about the what ifs.’ says Kaz, shaking his head. ‘I...’ his voice trails off and he shakes his head again. ‘Forget it.’

‘No.’ you say, walking over to his desk. ‘What were you going to say? Tell me.’

‘I care too much about you.’ he says. ‘And it’s dangerous. It’s a weakness others can’t know about, or they’ll use it against me. They’ll hurt you to get to me. I can’t let that happen.’

Your breath hitches in your throat as you look at him. 

‘Say it again.’ you say softly. ‘But this time, look me in the eye.’ 

Kaz slowly look up at you. And when his eyes lock onto yours, the look on his face softens.

‘I care about you.’ he says. 

You smile at him. ‘Well, the feeling is mutual.’ you say. You notice Kaz’ shoulders loosen up a bit. ‘Now that that’s settled, can I go on the job with the rest of you?’

You see Kaz going over the possibilities in his mind. 

‘I can handle it.’ you say. ‘And I’ll be careful.’

‘Promise?’ says Kaz.

‘Promise.’ you say.

‘Alright.’ says Kaz. He bends down to get a few of the rolled up blueprints, spreading them out over his desk. ‘Let me catch you up on the plans.’

A/N: If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!! Thank you for reading! Much love, Marit

[iknowicanbutwhy]

Heads up we got an

Adult Hikikomori Sunny AU

I've been waiting to find an AU after the neutral end of the Hikikomori route for a while. What happened to Sunny? How did his life go on after that? Did he go to college? Did he get a fulltime job? Did he figure out what he wants in life?

these are all very good questions because literally anything could be the case. So this AU is just gonna be stuck in a hospital setting for a while.

Here's what I got so far:

Past:

Hospital Psychiatrist (practicing? Training?) Doctor Hero

I imagine after Basil's death, Hero would (eventually) turn to learning how to identify and help people with suicidal tendencies, if he's gonna be a doctor anyway.

In a choice between psychologist and psychiatrist, Hero went psychiatrist. Hero's parents would pressure him into getting a more lucrative job. PLUS psychiatrists go to college for 8 years, then take four more of psychiatry residency. Hero might feel just a little more accomplished, just a little better about himself for earning a higher degree, just to reassure himself that he's working hard and doing his best towards helping people.

Hero did extra studying in psychotherapy. He tried doing it at the same time as he did medical college. He's not.. the best at it because of that, for several reasons, but he knows it's better to combine medicine and conversation. When he has his head on straight, he can manage it.

I have.. no idea whether to put Hero into practice or residency. He'd have to be at least around.. 31, if he were in practice. That's a long time to have unresolved trauma. That's a nice hunk of research i gotta do.

That's it that's all for Hero. His goals are set in the present and focused around other people, as per usual.

Sunny is... not doing so well. He lied about going to college when he moved into some hole far away from his mother. He has no reason to get up in the morning when he can just lie around. He doesn't enjoy whatever hobbies he used to have.

He doesn't even know Basil is gone and he's so bad off.

He's honestly convinced himself that he doesn't care about anything. He still cares about people, however. He'd have stayed with his mom and burdened her with himself if he didn't. When they had moved from Faraway, it was to a cheaper, smaller place. That meant Sunny's mom didn't have to work so much. That meant more time with Sunny. He decided it was.. preferable not to stay.

The only times he does anything is when he tries to remember the past and relearn the person he used to be. What did he do? What did he like? He'd play games, and read comics, and would get frustrated? move on to something else when those did nothing for him, searching for.. some feeling to occur. And then he'd question why, why, why.

Why can't he enjoy anything? Why does he want to feel enjoyment? Why can't he just do something and be happy? Why can't he just do nothing and be fine? Why does he need to exist? Why does he want to move? Why does he want, but can never have, can never get by himself?

If there's nothing he can do, then what is he waiting for?

Vague memories would become clearer with introspection, until he would feel something, finally. An old guilt aching from deep inside his bones. A haunting self hatred, ripping away whatever minuscule strength his limbs had to try anything fun. A sense of iron resignation blanketing and anchoring his body, reminding him that it's much too late to try getting up now. Ironically, apathy got him up in the morning, as much as it keeps him from enjoying anything enough to stay up.

He was always a little too thin, but he used to force himself to do things like eat and work enough to survive. Mostly because to sleep means to not have headaches, and to not have headaches means to eat well enough, and to eat well enough means to have food, and to have food means to have money from a job.

But it's not as if he was all too desperate to sleep, anyway. His dreams have stayed the same for years. They're more eventful and colorful than bland reality, but it's a mix of the same thing every day. Staring at the swirling kaleidoscope of his dreams is exactly like observing the same beige ceiling for hours on end, until it all mixes together into the same shade of empty grey.

It probably doesn't help Sunny's mood that he thinks dramatic things like the previous point, just to pass time.

He only got worse once he was forced to move into one of those really bad apartments. You know the ones, with the rusted metal stairs nobody wants to risk their life on, and practically no privacy with four-to-five thin-walled neighboring rooms, and bad heating in one corner of the apartment. But it was cheap. Too bad he had to go up and down the stairs all the time.

He didn't have a problem with them when he just moved in. Generally, the most he notices is starting at the top, teleporting to the bottom, and a slight shaking of his hands that he barely glances at with empty curiosity.

As it is, some part of him knew this was going to happen. That he'd have one of those terribly introspective weeks, when he just so happens to have his new job with a boss ready to fire him and his sullen face and poor (somehow complete neutrality is offensive) attitude. He's emotionally vulnerable, and the memories on top of the stairs are devastating.

A week goes by. He's fired. He doesn't look for another job. He hasn't gone for groceries in a while. He's exhausted.

He was waiting for death, he guesses. He still wants, still feels that urge in the buzzing of his fingertips, the ghost of movement from his limbs, the phantom shiver in his back - the intent of every muscle in his body one after the other pleading with him to move, but never all at once - and Sunny laments that the human body is pretty stupid. Moving wont help. What would he do, make the end come quicker? He's already thrown away too many chances for that.

He'll stop wanting once he's gone. That's what happens when you get what you want, right?

His landlord finds him. He forgot the rent. He's taken to the hospital. Ugh.

Present:

Sunny is stunted and underweight. He wears baggy shirts stuffed into slightly less baggy hoodies, and sweats. Warmth. He couldn't find his hoodie after they took it off to put in an IV on his first trip to the hospital.

Usually nurses do things like bring food to patients, but Sunny only ever interacts with Hero and Hero wants to make sure Sunny is okay anyway. Not that it's much easier for Hero to encourage Sunny to eat.

Sunny stresses Hero the hell out. But Hero kinda missed Sunny, and his depressing and concerning reappearance brings with it a deadpan, world-weary, often childish humor that fails to take anything seriously when everything in Sunny's situation should be taken seriously. It's as much a relief as it is incredibly frustrating. Some days Hero loves it. Some days it makes him angry. Some days it makes him want to cry.

I tried doing research into the conduct Hero should display regarding patients/clients in general but it just. Any professionalism quickly devolves between him and Sunny.

As in, at one point, him and Sunny were whaling on each other about having no lives. Hero felt really bad afterwards; he had no idea what came over him. It was a great way for both of them to let out some hidden frustration, though, and they turned out fine afterwards. They even lowkey pick on each other every now and again.

Sometimes one or the other gets a bit too accurate in their teasing, however.

Psychiatrists are supposed to be able to understand, diagnose, and treat mental, emotional and behavioral disorders. So, if Hero were a completely capable psychiatrist, which he is, he wouldn't break down in front of his client. But Hero's late teenage years are wrought with so much grief and trauma, so to see Sunny and not just another client in this state is.. something i imagine he'd break down about eventually. There's also the fact that Sunny is mostly closed off to any help, which only makes things harder.

Hero is trying his best, but after years of never understanding why Mari died, years of thinking and wondering and second-guessing himself, years of guilt after never visiting Basil before he died, years of doing what he was told was "best" yet failing in what's most important to him (his friends) - his best never feels good enough around Sunny. It feels too little, too late. For this reason, and possibly because even if Hero were able to keep himself together he may just not be the right psychiatrist for Sunny, it would be better for him to find another psychiatrist for Sunny. He won't, though.

Hero really needs some time to himself to just think, or perhaps he needs someone else to talk to. Kel is nice, but Aubrey would have better experience handling emotions.

I have a very limited idea of what Aubrey and Kel are doing. Aubrey is a childcare instructor to parents and works in child services. She has studied child psychology. She has studied how childhood affects adulthood. Kel's off trying to make a name in basketball while giving kids high fives and heartfelt support.

Hero, in fact, does not like to be called Dr. Hero, but his shyness (feeling of unworthiness) about it only endears everyone to call him that more. He tells the kids that everyone calls him Hero, but the adults merely find out from the other doctors and nurses. Hero tried introducing himself as Henry to the other doctors, but Kel told them his nickname, and it stuck for obvious reasons.

Sometimes, on days when Hero has to wear his lab coat, he ties it around his neck like a cape. The kids like it, say it makes him look like a superHero.

Hero doesn't really cook. His schedule is always too busy to make anything that isn't quick. But he does eventually figure out that cooking for Sunny is the best way to entice him to eat, so when he makes something, he makes enough for both of them. They eat together.

Hero had to gather Sunny's change of clothes from his apartment when he found out that the reason Sunny has been in the same clothes for the last week is because he's had no one to visit him. Not even his mother. Why?

[justleaf]

Summary

Roche and Iorveth go on a date with Geralt as their chaperone (not the hat).

Content Background

This one is especially painful to yeet because it was already completed, together with 50% of the next chapter that was the smutty bits. It was finished right about the time I posted Chapter 5 and would have fit in as Chapter 11, but it just didn't make sense with all the additional plot points I'd shoved in.

I've redacted the parts that could potentially get my tumblr banned btw please donut laugh when you see it.

Original Fic

It Took Years

Length

2,300 words

_____________

“Geralt, remember when I released you from prison and saved you from the Nilfgaardians a year ago?”

The white wolf raised his eyebrows in surprise. Roche had never called in a favour for him, and he could tell that Geralt knew it was going to be quite significant. He had thought about it too many times and despite the embarrassment and possibly never being able to look the witcher in the eye, he simply had no other choice.

“Look, I just need you to help Iorveth and I create an alibi.”

“... Uh-huh?”

“We have a meeting with Dijkstra in Novigrad in a week's time, and I plan to…” he swallowed hard when the words became momentarily stuck in his throat. It took another second for him to gather his courage to speak, and the slight tremble in his voice was immediately noticeable.

“I plan to spend the night with Iorveth in one of the inns the night before. But we need someone to cover us.”

The white wolf seemed to grow even paler and his lips pressed together in contemplation.

“You know that I have enhanced senses.”

“I know, but I need to make sure that no one catches us. Not the Scoia'tael, Blue Stripes, Dijkstra’s spies, Redanian spies, any Nilfgaardian-”

“Alright, alright, I get it. You just need to make sure that everyone thinks that I invited you two for a drink and make sure that no one is listening in.”

“I know I’m asking a lot of you, but you’re the only one I can trust in this situation. I haven’t… Iorveth and I don’t have any other opportunities. I can’t even hold his hand without worrying that someone is watching.”

Geralt stared blankly at him and Roche’s heart began to pump harder. His worry must have shown on his face, for the witcher immediately sighed and shook his head.

“Come to the Chameleon. I’ll get you guys a suite. With a wall to separate the living area and the bedroom.”

Roche looked up at him and down a few times, wondering first if Geralt had misspoke, and then if he had misheard. When the witcher said nothing and shrugged, Roche finally accepted it with a nod.

“Thanks, Geralt. Drinks are on me,” he muttered and hung his head a little. Embarrassment was beginning to burn his cheeks.

“Don’t mention it. I’ll see you soon.”

<center>_________________________</center>

“Why are we here so early when Geralt only wanted to see us after sundown,” Iorveth whispered as they passed the guards that almost ripped their papers in half. Roche had smooth-talked his way in and Iorveth was impressed, even though he didn't let it show.

They had set aside their armour and entered the city dressed as merchants: Roche in a nondescript outfit that let him blend in with the rest of the nobles, and Iorveth draped in a cloak that obscured his elven features.

The sun was nowhere near setting when they arrived in the city. Roche had intended to take him on a date around the city, but didn’t want to admit it.

“I didn’t want to disappoint Geralt by being late.”

“Gwynbleidd would have understood.”

“Well, since we’re already here, we might as well explore the city. I heard of a tavern along the docks with an elven cook. Would you like to go there?”

The mention of food changed Iorveth’s expression immediately and Roche suppressed his laughter.

They dined at the Golden Sturgeon, where Iorveth immediately received preferential treatment from a redhead with freckles (it's Bea btw). She made sure to seat them in a relatively hidden corner and Roche could see the elf progressively relax as his shoulders began to sag. He even spotted the hints of a smile dancing on his lips when she put some strange fish dish in front of him.

Just when Roche thought that Iorveth was incapable of enjoying himself even more, he became increasingly pliant when they sat down at the Chameleon for a pint while a band played in the background. Roche didn't understand the first thing about music, but his two mugs of ale were enough to get him to keep his reservations.

Besides, he had something really cute to look at.

The elf's cloak was finally down and he could see the tips of his pointed ears twitch with every beat of the drum. He thought about how nice it would have been to pin him down to the bed and toy with his ears. His eyes trailed across the elf’s neck. If they didn’t have anywhere to be tomorrow, he would have left bite marks across that smooth skin.

<em>Mine,</em> he thought, and he wanted the world to know once all this was over.

“You play the recorder don’t you,” Roche asked out of the blue. Their eyes met and Iorveth was slightly startled by the intensity of his gaze, but he didn’t back down.

“Yeah. There’s been too much going on recently and I haven’t had the chance to though.”

“You can practice with mine tonight.”

“Vernon,” Iorveth warned with a glare, and then quickly glanced around the room to see if anyone was within earshot. There wasn’t, but the tension in his body didn’t leave.

“I could polish yours all night too, you know.”

The elf flinched and could see the pink develop along the tops of Iorveth’s high cheekbones and the tips of his ear. Past his flustered expression however, there was a particular heat blossoming in his eyes. Roche didn’t let up, his curiosity driving him to see just how much he could take it.

“My carrying case is a bit small, but I’m sure yours will fit in with a bit of a shove."

This time, Iorveth couldn't resist the urge to push back. Dandelion's tavern was filled with his regulars who were deep in their own conversations, and they were just talking about music, right?

"So you admit that my instrument is bigger."

"Well the quality of the instrument doesn't matter if the musician has no idea how to handle it."

"I think we've proven that I'm the better player though."

"Our last few encounters haven't exactly been skewed in my favour and I still managed."

"There is no fairness in music and in battle. You should know this, <em>Commander</em>."

The way Iorveth said the word made his mouth go dry.

Now <em>that</em> was truly unfair, and his [banana] agreed. He was seconds away from tugging Iorveth upstairs when the doors swung open and in stepped the white wolf.

"Geralt!" he called out and waved a hand.

"Nice to see you both. I hope you didn't wait long."

The witcher took a few steps towards them, sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose. He had this resigned look about him and Roche immediately knew that he could smell their arousal.

"Let's drink in my room," Geralt suggested and grabbed four mugs of ale from a passing waitress. She protested at first, but nodded and flashed him a huge smile when she saw who he was.

They headed up the stairs and Roche had to try very hard not to openly stare at Iorveth's ass. It [eggplant] and he had no choice but to stare ruefully at the ground.

As soon as he saw that the second floor was empty, he reached out and pinched the elf's behind. Iorveth jumped at the touch and almost spilled his own mug of ale, and Roche was treated to one of those embarrassed glares. They quietly ascended another flight of stairs and neared the room, and Roche could feel his heart race and his breathing grow ragged.

Finally, after two weeks of planning and trying to fit all the pieces together, it was happening. It had been a year since Dol Blathanna and months since they started seeing each other, and Roche was raring to go.

Geralt opened the door to a suite on the top floor that was exactly as he described: a small living area with a table for four and a few sparse furnishings, though it was far more comfortable than the arrangements he was used to. Partitioned off by a wall and door was a bedroom mostly occupied by a sizable bed and more pillows than he could count. A decision made by the bard, no doubt.

As soon as the door closed behind them and they set down their mugs, Roche grabbed Iorveth’s collar and shoved him towards the bedroom. The elf looked mortified and nearly lost his footing, but he recovered within the span of a few steps. He grabbed Roche’s arms and plucked them off him, then tried to shove him backwards but Roche held his ground.

“What the fuck, Roche?!”

Roche took a step back and considered Iorveth’s anger. The elf's gaze had grown sharp and alert, but he was mostly just shocked at the audacity of his actions. He just flashed him a devious smile and was returned a twitch of confusion.

“What? Didn’t you always like roughhousing me on the forest floor?”

“Not in front of Gwyn-”

Roche barely gave Iorveth a chance to answer. He charged forward, wrapped an arm around the elf’s waist, and threw him straight into bed. Iorveth went flying into the mattress with a groan and Roche climbed straight into his lap. Heavy footsteps thudded behind them and stopped by the door.

“Oil’s on the nightstand. Don’t get the sheets dirty and take your shoes off before you get in bed dammit. I can’t afford to pay for new sheets too.”

“Gwynbleidd, what is the meaning of this.”

“Just a little gift from me to the both of you. Have fun, Iorveth. Just try not to make too much noise.”

The door behind them closed and Iorveth just stared blankly at Roche, who was already taking off his top. No words came out of the elf’s gaping mouth, so Roche blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“Enjoying the date so far?”

“Explain yourself Roche, I’m not-”

The elf had to pause when Roche began grinding in his lap. It worked until it didn't, and Iorveth grabbed onto his hips to still them. Roche just wanted to get to the fucking already, but the elf refused to be distracted no matter how much he tried.

“Did you plan all this? Coming to my camp to pick me up. Picking flowers for me along the path. Bringing me to the tavern for dinner. Having drinks. This fake meeting with Gwynbleidd.”

“Of course. When else was I going to get the opportunity to take you out on a date?”

Something in Iorveth cracked visibly and Roche went dead still with nervousness. The other lowered his gaze and Roche cupped his face in his hands, desperate for his elf to be okay. He stroked his cheek gently and tilted his head up to try and get a better look at that unreadable expression. This was the opposite of what he hoped would happen and worry began to pool in his stomach.

“Hey, hey. What’s wrong. Talk to me,” he urged and placed a peck on the scarred cheek. There was no answer, so he continued fluttering kisses along his jawline. He felt like his world might come crashing down at any moment and resisted the urge to salvage the situation before he knew what was going on.

It felt like Iorveth was cycling through a thousand and one emotions. He cupped the elf's face in his hands and pulled back, where he was greeted by a vulnerability he had never seen before. The other had this dazed and awed look in his eyes, and if Roche wasn't so flustered by the sudden change of pace, he might he caught his surrender.

“Vernon…”

“I’m here. What is it? You can tell me.”

“It’s just...overwhelming.”

“In a good way or bad way?”

“Good way.”

Roche released the breath he didn’t realise he had been holding. It was nice that the reaction was somewhat positive, but Roche’s poor heart couldn’t take the anticipation. Surprising Iorveth was turning out to be quite bad for his health.

“Well. Have you enjoyed yourself?”

“Mmn.”

“It's okay. We'll take it at your pace.”

“I just... need some time to process this. I’ve never been treated like this before. It's overwhelming.”

“Well you deserve it. Take the time you need, it’s okay,” Roche encouraged again and placed another peck on his nose as he undid the bandanna that obscured half his face.

This really wasn’t how he thought the evening would go, but he had to admit that it was nice. At the core of it, all he really wanted was to be able to kiss and hold Iorveth intimately without fear of someone catching them. Now they were in bed and there was someone trustworthy to watch their backs, he supposed he had achieved his goal. Maybe they could just hold off the fucking for a while more.

“Do you want to take a nap with me,” Roche offered after they'd sat in silence for a while.

“Yeah… I would like that very much.”

Iorveth tried to take off his cloak, but Roche shushed him and pushed his hands aside. The elf had a blank look on his face and hurt momentarily flashed across his eye.

"Let me," Roche rushed to salvage as he pulled loose the strings on his cloak.

“I can undress myself you know.”

“I know you can, but just let me pamper you a bit more.”

The tips of Iorveth's ears were bright red and Roche suppressed the urge to tease him about it. Slowly, he helped the elf strip down to his underwear and slipped him beneath the sheets. Then he took off his own garments and joined him, snuggling up to that warm and slender body that seemed to fit so perfectly with his.

Yeah, he could wait.

[no-goddamn-cilantro]

I got a bug, so I decided to write this ridiculous nonsense.

Adventures in Babysitting

The ship hummed softly as the power-down sequence began, and Rocket was quick to hop out of the pilot's chair and make his way back to the makeshift child seat Gamora insisted he use. Something-something safety, something-something, blah-blah-blah, whatever.* Groot's safety is and always will be number one, but it's insulting that she thinks a glorified bucket with a seat harness is going to do shit. Rolling his eyes to himself, he lifts the "baby carrier" by the handle and disembarks, wincing in the bright sunlight on Peter's home world.

He probably should have told Peter he was going to come, see if the guy had any family to visit. Ah well. Too late now, time to meet his old pal to drop off the kid before getting down to business.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dyn Jarren was, to put it mildly, exhausted. After Sporog, there had been nine other planets, either too hostile or where they were too easily found. Nine.* So he'd decided to... Branch out a bit. Hit the next Galaxy over- he had contacts there, a Mandalorian covert hiding away on the moon of some backwater planet called Terra where the locals had barely managed to intrude on the dead rock, let alone notice the comings and goings of the refugees on their own moon. One of these Terrans had even gained that most precious of commodities years ago, the Mandalorian's trust.

There were three shootouts, a target's gills getting infected with fishrot, and said Terran actually convincing the target to be encased in Carbonite willingly. It was a wild four days, but the man was trustworthy, never having breathed a word of what happened during his "spirituality retreat."

Landing in a tucked away copse of trees near his contact's current location, he hefts The Child into his arms, turning his head to shush him gently.

"None of that. It's faster if I carry you."

Without another word he disembarked down the gangplank and set off at a brisk pace, following the coordinates in his helmet's display.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Keanu was sitting in the sunny Northern California early afternoon, dozing off if he were to tell the truth, at the rather larger home than he really needed that had been rented for the next week. He wanted plenty of room for Rocket and his young ward to explore and relax though, so this was his best option. It was secluded, no neighbors for miles, with a dense forest to the back and miles of vineyards in lieu of the missing neighbors.

A coo only a few feet from him caused him to jerk fully awake suddenly, eyes opening to see a man he'd never expected to see again and- was that a child?

Standing, he greeted the unexpected guest from outer space with a pleased smile.

"Mando! Man, wow, it's been like- six years? How are you? And who's this little guy??" As he approached his face broke into a more intimate grin as he made eye contact with the tiny green child, delight lighting up his face as The Child gifted him with another coo.

The Mandalorian, for his part, gives a neutral hum that borders on pleased. "This is The Child. We're currently hiding from parties that want him dead- or worse. I was hoping we could lay low here for a while- is that alright with you?"

Keanu, for his part, is astounded at that story, but the only question that passes through his lips is, "Mando, have you not... Named your kid?"

Despite being able to see exactly none of the Mandalorian's face, he can practically feel* the other man's blush. "... It hasn't been important so far."

"Mando!"

"Keanu." Unexpected, deadpan snark from his friend, but he rolls with it. Abruptly, he remembers his manners and invites them hurriedly, offering food and beverages. Dyn declines both for himself, but soup for The Child if he has it. Keanu does and quickly begins heating some on the stove. While that's working, he tries to figure out how to tell the bounty hunter about his other, expected visitor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As it turns out, the Mandalorian wasn't terribly fussed about his having other guests, so long as they didn't try to harm either the man or the* child, though the Terran man was subjected to a hard stare he couldn't see but could definitely feel when he mentioned his other guests were "a little unusual-looking."

Rocket, true to form, didn't bother with knocking, though Keanu was openly relieved he used a door at all for entering the abode. The bipedal raccoon, on the other hand, was distinctly and obviously uncomfortable. With a blatantly false smile across his snout and speaking through his teeth, Rocket jerks his head a few times back towards the living room from the doorway of the kitchen where he'd abruptly halted.

"Hey, Neo, need to talk to you real quick. In here. Away from the bounty hunter."

The implacable stare of the helmet followed them out of the room and until they turned the corner, Rocket leading his friend halfway up the stairs leading to the bedrooms. Before Keanu can speak, Rocket is standing- somehow- on the railing and gripping the collar of his jacket, pulling him close to mutter threateningly in his face. "I don't know what that guy has told you, but I don't have any more bounties on my head. I went straight, we all went straight, we're doing good now. I won't let some Mandalorian asshole with out of date information skin me for credits, you got it?"

"I'm not here on a bounty."

Both man and raccoon in the stairwell jump, looking down at the Mandalorian standing with crossed arms. He continues, unperturbed by the blatant hostility of the raccoon that scampers down the stairs to stand eye to... Well, hip, until he takes advantage of the banister again. "I'm just laying low for a while. Needed a place to hide. Keanu mentioned you were coming." At the last sentence Rocket glares back at the man, before Mando dryly adds, "We were unexpected. You weren't."

Keanu decides that he needs a strong mug of tea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So once helmet-head and his little goblin child are settled in the dining area, Rocket goes to collect Groot and his- bucket, no, carrier- from where he'd left him napping in the sun. He is completely unsurprised that his own little monster child has managed to escape the prison of the child seat and is frolicking in the yard after a butterfly or some shit. Rocket allows himself the barest moment of tender enjoyment of watching Groot just be happy, before he knuckles up and shouts across the open lawn.

"Hey Groot, come meet your babysitter! I don't got all day, hurry it up!" The tree person- is he a shrub right now? He's small enough to be a shrub- comes scampering across the yard, stopping in front of Rocket, crossing his arms, and indignantly huffing.

"I am Groot."

"Yes, you do. I can't leave you on the ship by yourself for a couple of days."

"I am Groot!"

"Because I'm the adult and you're not right now."

"I am Groot?"

"Keanu. Don't give me that look, that's his real name."

"I am Groot."

"Look who's talkin'! You think either of us have room to be critical of someone else's name?"

"... I am Groot..."

"That's what I thought. Now c'mon, he's waiting inside and he made you food, so be grateful."

He takes his ward's hand, leading him inside. More to himself than anything, he mutters, "But Keanu is a weird fuckin' name..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The second meeting with the children present goes much smoother than the first. They sit and share a meal- with the exception of Dyn Jarren, who answers endless questions about Mandalorians, his helmet, his weapons, and anything else Rocket can think of to annoy him with, with a remarkable amount of patience- if not without more of the snark Keanu witnessed earlier. The fathers then send their children to play, with stern warnings about not leaving the yard that are, the Terran is sure, going to be completely ignored. He has to grip Mando's sleeve to get him to sit and stay after some noises of play begin and the man slightly panics.

Rocket, for his part, decides to refuse to be this much of a worrywart over Groot upon observing the bounty hunter's near-palpable anxiety over his foundling.

Keanu decides to get into the practicalities of the next few days, asking what each child likes to eat, when they're supposed to sleep, and what discipline they're used to, ready to take notes.

Both Mandalorian and raccoon stare at him blankly after the first question. He tries again, starting with what he thought was the easiest question.

"what time do they generally go to sleep?"

"Uhhh, Groot just sorta passes out when he's tired. Usually about... 9ish? I guess?"

"Does he nap during the day?"

"How'm I supposed to know, I'm workin'! He just sleeps when he's tired."

"Mando?"

The bounty hunter's shoulders drop slightly in what might be classed as defeat. "He sleeps all the time in about two hour chunks, then he's up for about five." When the Terran blinks at him in what looks a lot like confusion, he sighs. "I've tried getting him to sleep longer, but unless he ends up using his abilities, it's just not happening."

Keanu nods in what appears to be deliberate lack of judgement, making notes on either side of his page. Rocket snatches the paper almost as soon as he's done with his bedtime notes, barking a laugh at the name given for The Child.

"Mando Jr.? Really, bounty hunter? You couldn't come up with anything better?"

"... I didn't come up with it."

"So what's his real name?"

"... It's not important. That'll do for now."

And so the conversation went, discipline being a similarly baffling subject for both of them. When it came to food though, they found surprising common ground.

""Frogs.""

Keanu made a continue gesture after they both looked at each other in surprise, before Rocket jocularly punched Dyn on the shoulder. Dyn, for his part, just seemed exhausted. Keanu could relate.

"Soup. Small bits of meat... Mushrooms. Insects if he can catch them."

"Groot'll eat anything, kid's a trash compactor. We done here?"

Keanu is more than happy to finish out the conversation there, releasing them to go check in on their kids before headed out. Sometime in the last few hours, Rocket had decided a Mandalorian was pretty good backup for what he was doing and asked if Dyn would like to come along. The bounty hunter had sighed heavily before nodding his agreement.

Which brought them back around to the sitter conversation that now had Keanu reaching for the tea kettle again.

It was going to be a long three days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Keanu, for his part, was pleased to discover Groot had no problems retreating to his and Rocket's room at 9pm for bed. The Yiddling, as was the name that seemed to stick for the sitter, was another story.

He whined, he grizzled, he even squealed a time or two. The Terran just kept calmly holding the kid and bouncing gently, singing half-remembered lullabies to the child as it slowly, eventually, tired itself out. Keanu very gently lowered the child into the crib he'd acquired from the bounty hunter's ship before they left, taking the three steps back to his bed to collapse backwards into the sheets and blissfully drop off after hours of soothing a fussy toddler who could move things with his mind.

For two hours. Then the crying began again.

It was a long night for everybody, and the sitter was more than happy to go start the coffee pot just as the first fingers of sunlight began to creep over the treetops behind the house. By the time he had breakfast prepared for the two children under his care, the kitchen was bathed in golden morning sunlight. The two ate well, then his little tree-like charge turned to him with a stubborn tilt to his head.

"I am Groot."

"A nature walk? Why?"

"I am Groot!"

"I somehow really doubt the forests of Earth are your ancestral home."

"I am Groot!"

"... You know what, an excellent point. You two can find all the frogs you like and I won't have to attempt to catch any for you. We'll go in a little bit, okay? I need to pack you both lunches in case we're out for a while, and I need to put together that thing."

"That thing" was, in fact, a jogging stroller for doubles. A quick overnight delivery after the arrival of not one, but two children in his care necessitated it, and it had arrived promptly at 8am. He cleaned up after his little charges, helped them both wash their hands in the sink, and then sent them to play for a while as he carefully read the instructions for assembly.

One hour, two bandages, and a hurried, "don't repeat that!" tossed in a nosey Groot's direction after some overheard profanity, and the babysitter had the stroller ready. He packed two quick lunches based on the Yiddling's preferences- as his was the more specified, and Groot really would eat anything, including the plate- and got them all out the door, a bag of essentials that he resolutely would not call a diaper bag tucked into the very-convenient compartment beneath the seats of the stroller and took them down the path that had a trail head right there in the backyard. Keanu decided Groot really did have an excellent idea with this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two hours later Keanu was smugly pleased with both the nature walk and the double stroller. Both kids were passed out asleep in their stroller seats, snoring gently with the remains of their lunches clasped gently in sticky fingers- twigs? Claws? Fingers was just easier for Keanu's exhausted but triumphant brain- and resting lightly in their laps. He was now taking a leisurely stroll back to the house, enjoying the peace as much as communing with nature.

And so that's how the three spent the next several sleep-deprived days. Breakfast, stroller, wander through nature (one extremely disturbing frog-hunting hour around a pond that he's never mentioning to another living soul except for maybe their parents) lunch and afternoon naps, playing tag and other such games in the yard, dinner, and then a fraught bedtime with the little Yiddling.

When their parents returned, Rocket was nearly bowled over by an excited Groot, being squeezed happily by suddenly very long toddler tree arms. The Mandalorian was passed The Child by a tired but very happy Keanu, who reported to both parents that they were good kids and behaved. Mando was surprised in equal measure by both the Yiddling- he was keeping that name for him, thank-you Keanu- falling asleep in his arms immediately, and the sitter in question's flabbergasted stare that soon melted into a soft, gentle smile.

As they each departed for their ships after what was decidedly a warmer and noisier splash than The Mandalorian had wanted to make on this planet, they were both secretly pleased at just how comfortable their children had been with the Terran, and at how well they'd been able to work together.

Perhaps they'd have to do this again sometime.

[cinaminho]

Love for sell: J-hope ,

PT (2)

"What if I wasn't faking it at all?"

J-(hoe)pe x Reader, highschool au

Genre: SO FLUFFY MAAAN *yoongi voice* 💞

~7 AM at Your house~

Authors POV:

You trudged down the cold wooden steps of your home with messy hair and a mind still filled with sleep barely being able to maintain your balance but you managed to make it past the final step of your staircase that led to your front door. You slowly opened it to reveal a very awoke and happy Hoseok and seeing him made your eyes widen a bit , just seeing his smile awoke you a little more and gave you this unknown burst of energy "Hoseok" you chirped not caring about your current messy bed head state and it looked as if Hoseok was gonna say something but changed his mouth form to say something else as he slightly frowned "Y/n you aren't ready?" You snorted "we have an hour and I only need 7 minutes- 10 tops plus I drive now , come up with me and don't worry my parents leave for work at 6 AM so they're not here." You said as Hoseok followed you up stairs to your room. You opened your door with a gust of cool wind hitting you both instantly "I have no idea where that came from" you mumbled letting Hobi walk in first and you following before closing your door behind you, Hobi jumped and turned towards you with a panicked expression as you soon held your hands out in front of you slightly "Relax I just closed my door I'm not gonna hurt you" you said carefully "n-no I just... Never been a girls room especially with the door closed is all" you smiled gently and motioned for him to sit on your Queen sized bed. He analyzed your room he thought it'd be all pink and girly for some reason but instead it was a comfy yet slightly glamorous vibe to it.

"So I was thinking that we wouldn't change your appearance too much but just a few things that's it" you explained while clapping your hands as you finished your sentence "change a few things like?.. " he trailed off "We trade in the suspender pants for some jeans... Your shirt is fine just add a jacket.. Maybe?" You paced back and forth examining Him as his eyes followed your movements. "Ahh Nice, except I don't own such items" "I was afraid you might say that soooo I took the liberty of going to buy some things DO NOT think about paying me back. I bought belts too just in case so here" You tossed the bag to Hobi and he caught it with one hand and no struggling "you got a good arm you'd be good at football you know" and now it was His turn to snort "no thank you risking getting hurt and never recovering is a sacrafice I'm not willing to make" you laughed "touche however, you should go change that door between my closet and TV is my bathroom I'll wait here of course" you smiled "be back in a sec" and you hummed in response. About 3 minutes passed and you sat on your bean bag chair waiting for Hobi to reappear, In that time you thought how sweet he was, how his hair shined ,and his perfect rosey cheek ,with the gentlest voice and aura about him...you smiled to yourself and soon you looked up to see him directly in front of you causing you to jump a bit "oh sorry I didn't mean to startle you" he chuckled but all you could do was stair at his new outfit. His floral bomber Jacket went well with his White T-shirt and ,slightly rolled up light blue jeans that fitted him not too much but also too little and to top it off his already white shoes tide it all together even more and you were almost drooling.

~Hobi's Outfit~

"So?" Hoseok finally said as he thought you had enough time to analyze his appearance "damn Playboy" you mumbled "pardon?" "Huh- what? Oh I said you look good" you quickly stood up looking at Hobi in his eyes and they were so beautiful in the slightly dim room due to it being cloudy outside . You were now so close his nose could touch your forehead if you weren't looking up at him you didn't know he was this close to you until now.. Not that you minded "you clean up good Hobi" you mumbled as you smiled and messing with his bangs a little "thank you Y/n... Should we head out?" "Uh of course right after I get dressed , fix my hair and brush my teeth" you giggled as Hobi checked his watch "we still have 35 minutes go on" he said shoooing you away.

It took about 15 minutes this time around because your hair was such a mess but you were finally ready .

~Your Outfit~

(If you don't like.. Whoops, add ya own shoes)

"Ready" you said putting on your sunglasses and heading towards your bedside table drawer to grab your keys. You didn't notice but Hobi was staring at you the same way you did him as he followed you out your bedroom "close my door behind you please" you said and he quickly did so and soon Came downstairs, you locked the front door as you both came out and headed to your car.

Once inside you both buckled up and the first 2 minutes were silence until Hobi broke it "Anything I need to know before we really do this?" You raised your eyebrows still looking at the road ahead as you drove "like things to do and say and not..." He looked at you "ohhh that? Pshh no the main thing is not to let anyone intimidate you, don't back down because most of the time the 'tough' are softer than sheep Wool ,kill them with kindness if you want and as for girls they loooove a charmer" you explained as Hobi nodded understanding "Hobi I don't want you to fake too much I want you to be yourself as much as possible" you quickly glanced at him "myself isn't popular though... This isn't me already" he mumbled while gesturing to hie clothes "do you want to change back?" You asked him "no" you nodded "do you like the clothes?" "Yes" you smiled "then this is you. A new one" he chuckled "do you like the new me then?" You quickly looked at him shocked and he added "as a friend I mean" you looked a little at ease "well.. I like you either way" you said softly looking at him as you came to a stop sign. His eyes widened "really?" You giggled "yes so, if you wanna go back to how you used to be that'd be just fine with me" he grinned "thank you Y/n" as you looked back at the road "mhmm and think I've never noticed you I always seen you around since 8th grade but believe it or not I didn't approach you because you didn't seem like you wanted to be bothered" you explained. Hoseok looked at you in disbelief " me? What about you? Your body guards made me the same way towards you" he laughed "who Jalen and the other boys?... They think they are protecting me but I can hold my own you know? Besides I like everyone I treat everyone how I wanna be treated" Hoseok just nodded in understanding. "By the way don't be afraid to ruffle his feathers.. Jalen's that is, show him 2 can play this game mmk?" You said "got it" you smiled as you pulled into your schools parking lot. "Well this is it you ready?" You asked looking at Hobi while taking your keys out of the ignition and grabbing your bag and he smiled at you "since 8th grade".

~inside school~

You guys walked in and of course you turned heads but he did even more and he was surprisingly okay, you looked at everyone with a genuine smile as usual "wink" you mumbled so Hobi could hear "gotcha" he whispered under his breath as you smiled up at him as he winked at you first making you feel shakey with happiness 'easy girl' you thought. He winked and some girls gasped as he grinned looking ahead 'this is working!' He thought to himself.

The moment came were you stopped at your locker which was on the same side as Hobi's but devided by the hallway and of course your friends were there and of course some were facing your direction as other's backs were facing you both. "Hey heyy" you said happily "wassup.. Yo who told you to bring-" Jalen was soon cut off by you "me" you said nonchalantly ,Hobi nodded at Jalen making him growl lowly "good job" you whispered as Jalen turned away. "So tell me... What's your name?" Your friend Aubrielle said as she came towards You and hoseok, you rolled your eyes 'this hoe' you thought "I'm Hoseok Jung, you can call me Hobi though" you looked at him surprised he was handling all so well no stuttering, no blushing, no shyness either! It was like he was born for this but then again, he did say he'd been ready for this since 8th grade. "Well Hobi I'm Aubrielle and your date to the party this Saturday" she winked "girl- I know you-" you started to say but Hobi soon finished "sorry but I'm going with Y/n" he smiled "you are?" She asked "mhmm" you smiled proudly "are you guys like.... " she raised her eyebrows looking between you two "yes- wait what do you mean?" You asked "a couple" she finished....

.......

"Well yeah" you said surprisingly confident and Hobi looked at you smiling "when the hell did this happen!!?" Jalen yelled hitting the locker a little hard causing everyone to back up a bit "lower the voice" you warned as he came towards you both, you grabbed Hoseok's hand and squeezed it slightly he instantly knew it was 'stand your ground time'. "You think you somebody now cause you're dating her?" he said getting in Hoseok's face "been somebody just better known now" Hoseok said happily and you could tell he was killing him with kindness.. A great method if you have the patience to play nice "and to answer your previous question it happened last week, we've been meeting up for study dates and we made it official yesterday by the school gates" you smiled widley and Hobi did as well but Jalen did not seem to care "anyways. . . You're still broken languaged trash so head back home to China yeah?" Jalen said making Hoseok frown "easy Jalen" you warned "his English is spectacular unlike yours hence why you can't pass a single language or pronunciation test go fucking study.. you need it you bastard" you seethed pushing past him and pulling Hobi along. "By the way it's Korea not China" Hoseok turned his head to say with a Wink.

Hoseok was shocked like everyone who had witnessed what just happened you really weren't one to play with.

Soon your first class bell rang and when you both walked in the teacher wasn't there and only a few other students were. Sprawled on desk, chairs ,the window base, you and Hobi went to your seats, you sat in the very back on the right near the window as he sat in the middle of the first row on the opposite side, you looked at him and decided to move beside him . Hobi looked at you surprised "I wanna sit next to more 'boyfriend' " you said winking at him making him blush for the first time since you'd seen each other today "hold on let me get my bag" you quickly scurried to the other side of the room. Just then Jalen came in with the other guys and Hoseok looked at him before rolling his eyes and looking in his bag but soon he seen hands on his desk and a shadow over him. He looked up glaring at the person who he already knew was Jalen "what're you tryna prove boy?" Jalen whispered dangerously low to Hoseok "nothing.. what're you trying to prove?" He smirked and Jalen sighed "you'll never be one of us" he motioned to himself and the boys behind him making hoseok laugh lighlty "trust me I'm not trying to be" "then why are you all of a sudden hanging around Y/n?" Hoseok leaned towards looking Jalen directly in the eyes "because I can" he smirked "you can't and you won't Continue to" Jalen growled

"says whom? " every comment Hoseok said made Jalen's blood boil "because I said so" he said lowly while slightly hitting the desk but not phasing Hoseok one bit. That's when you came back "what's going on? Jalen mo-" "nono Y/n let us talk" Hobi said as you watched them closely while sitting down "you were saying?" Hoseok chirped "you won't continue hanging around Y/n that's it" Hobi just sighed leaning back in his chair "but I will" he countered.

Jalen smirked and walked to the side of Hobi and crouching down to his his ear level "no you won't because I know your secret. I know you paid Y/n for this 'act' I'm not sure how much but it had to be a hell of a lot... So unless you want everyone to know how desperate you are for popularity... You'll go back to being the nobody you always were, and still are despite this facade" Jalen said before standing up completely "show your face at that party Saturday and it all comes out" he simply said ...Hoseok wasn't going out like this "As I said before... I've been somebody and as for your little proposition.. I'll sleep on it" He said glaring up at Jalen but Jalen simply shrugged with his hands in his pockets and walked away.

Although he was still confident Hoseok did slightly start to doubt his plan... Did he want to embarrass himself? Embarrass you?

"What happened?" He heard a whispered voice and a soft tap on his shoulder and he took a moment before he answered "maybe we should cancel all this" Hoseok mumbled looking at his fingers that sat in the desk top "what? No! absolutely not, what did Jalen say to you?" You asked "he says he knows something about our deal and says if I show my face at the party Saturday... He'll expose it all". You Shook your head "nah.. Not happenin ,I won't let it and we're still going through with this... He wants to send threats then let's show him who's the puppet masters" you said smirking. "You still wanna do this?" He asked surprised "hell yeah I do don't you?" He was a little weary "yes but-" "no buts babyboy we got this , I got you, and you don't worry about anything but showing up and looking handsome" you said while leaning over touching his chin and boy did his heart skip a beat "I can do that" he said.

"You're going down Hoseok" Jalen growled lowly from the back of the class at what he just witnessed.

"You're going down Jalen" you said to yourself so only you could hear.

Hobi knew in this act someone's cover would be blown and he hoped that it wasn't his nor yours because he didn't wanna let his and your work go to waste, especially his because he'd waited for this for 5 years and being near you was so much fun even though it was fake... That is if it was even just fake anymore because to him it was becoming slightly more and he wondered if maybe just maybe if you felt the same.

-

-

Whew chile the Cliff hangers. I like what I'm doing here and THANK YOU GUYS FOR LIKING MY STORIES 💞 OOF we're off to a good start I thought no one would know my stories existed. PT 3. Will be up some time.

[volumes2lo-gan]

Hey so, I've been having a bad time this month because people keep pointing out how bad I am with emotions. So, could you possibly do the side's teasing but then comforting Logan because he doesn't understand emotions, like a hurt/comfort thingy?

I’m sorry to hear about that, I hope that this story helps!  I’m not sure where I got the idea for this, but I just kind of rolled with it.  If you need any more feel-good fics, don’t be afraid to drop by again!  Sending love and good vibes your way~

Puppy Love

Fandom: Sanders SidesPairings: platonic Analogical near the endWarnings: negative self-talk, panic attack

Summary:  Logan has emotions, he’s just not very good at expressing them.  It doesn’t help that the others often see him as some kind of robot, but he can’t always afford to indulge in emotions when it’s his job to be the logical one.  And maybe throwing a dog into the mix wasn’t the best idea.

Tagged: @existental-crises @jordisama @here-to-vent @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @novagalaxy4real @thomas-must-get-to-sleep @emo-space-trash @evanisonfire @lollingtothemax @all-the-fand0mz

“I love him so much!” Patton squealed, ruffling the speckled dog’s ears around in delight.  The dog gave a happy bark before licking Patton’s nose.  “Awww!!  Kisses!”  Roman bent down to meet the dog at eye-level.

“Who’s a good prince?”  He cooed.

“Well it sure ain’t you,” Virgil quipped, crouching down to pet their new furry friend.  Roman scoffed, offended.

“I beg your pardon?”

Virgil shrugged.  “He’s obviously an edgelord, check out these spots around his eyes.  He’s already trying out my style.”  He laughed softly as the dog turned to face him, butting his head into Virgil’s arm until he got a satisfactory amount of pets.

Logan was still standing by the stairs, taking in the situation.  Thomas had brought home a dog.  Or rather Joan had found a dog and Thomas had convinced them that he could take care of it until it was able to get a proper home.  Logan had been running numbers for the last two hours and he wasn’t sure how Thomas would be able to accommodate such a pet on such short notice.  However, the others didn’t seem bothered by this, since they’d been preoccupied with cooing over the animal since it had arrived.  Thomas had headed upstairs to work on a project, but had entrusted the Sides to watch over his new pet until he was finished.

How could they be so calm in a situation like this?  There was a huge variable being thrown into their regular routine and Logan seemed to be the only one worried about the predicament.  He stepped forward and cleared his throat, causing the others to look up at him.  The dog barked softly in anticipation.

“I know that this is all… exciting,” he said carefully, “but we can’t afford to let Thomas be so reckless.  We can’t possibly keep this dog with the current available resources we have.”

Patton jumped to his feet with a gasp.  “Logan!  I’m surprised at you.  Can’t you see how happy he is here?  He needs a good home and who’s better with animals than us?”  Logan rolled his eyes and fixed his glasses.

“A shelter perhaps?  We are not properly equipped to care for this pet.  Surely you understand that, Patton?”  He could tell he was losing this battle when Roman stood up, protectively putting himself between Logan and the dog.

“After all this poor dog has been through!?  Nay, we’re not going to throw him out of another home, so long as I live and breathe!”  He held his arms out dramatically as though the dog didn’t just barely reach the back of his knees.

“That isn’t the logical option here, Roman,” he chided, looking to Virgil for help.  Virgil just turned his attention back to the dog, suddenly more interested in connecting the dots on the animal’s fur than listening to the conversation.  Patton put his hands on his hips and joined Roman in front of the dog.

“We can’t!  I love him!”  He said, glancing down at the speckled dog adoringly.

“I, too, love and appreciate him.  I will lay down my life for him.”  Roman added, not lacking in any of his usual drama.

Logan was losing patience.  Of course there were studies showing the benefits of having a pet for emotional support, but they were fine as they were.  Patton was more than capable of handling Thomas’ emotional support systems and they were all there in case he ever needed an extra hand with things.  How could they feel so attached to this animal after only knowing it for a few hours?  It didn’t make any sense.  But right now it was two against one.  If he could get Virgil to side with him, then they’d at least have a decent grounds for debate on the matter.

“Virgil?”  Logan asked hopefully.  The Anxious Side stopped tracing on the dog’s fur to stare Logan dead in the eye.

“If anything were to happen to this dog, I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself.”

That was it.  That’s the last straw.  How could anyone feel such deep attachments to something they hadn’t known existed until two hours ago?  These… these damned emotions.  They were just so infuriating.

“Why do you have to make it such a big deal?  It’s just an animal, we can always adopt a new one when Thomas is financially prepared.”  Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because suddenly Roman was up in arms.  

“How dare you.  This dog has been a part of our lives for two hours and these have been the best two hours of my life.  I wouldn’t expect you to understand though, seeing as how there’s too many ooey gooey emotions for you to block out.”

Logan froze, unable to process what to say.  Before he could even register what was happening, Patton had picked up the dog and was cuddling it close to his chest, making sure Logan could see the dog’s large blue eyes.

“It’s okay, puppy, Logan’s just a big ole Grumpy Gus who doesn’t love you yet.  He’ll come around though, he’s not entirely a robot… I don’t think?”  He added as he handed the dog off to Virgil.

“They’re right, Lo.  It’s not that big a deal, not when you get to know him.”  Get to know him?  They’d literally just found this creature.  What was there to know?  It’s a dog.  Dogs need food and bedding and proper hygiene schedules and… and…

“Maybe he can’t love him, but that won’t stop us,” Roman said, ruffling the dog’s ears gently as it perched in Virgil’s arms.  Logan’s throat felt cold and his chest was aching.  This– this wasn’t good.  He could feel his nerves vibrating as his anger and despair fell out of check.  It was too much.  They were too much.  The last thing he saw before sinking out was four sets of eyes staring at him.  Every one of them held some kind of emotion, but he didn’t have time to sort them out as he was encompassed by the dim light of his own room.

He’s not entirely a robot… I don’t think.

I wouldn’t expect you to understand.  There’s too many ooey gooey emotions for you to block out.

Maybe he can’t love him.  

Logan’s head was spinning and he was now visibly shaking.  He tried to steady himself on his armchair, but ended up slipping and falling to the floor instead.  It was too much… it was all too much.  He tried to keep his emotions in check, but they were seeping out one by one, each more powerful than the last.  Anger, Embarrassment, Despair, Confusion.  Panic.  He was panicking, but it was too late.  He’d already lost control and felt his fingertips vibrating as the emotions seeped further into his veins.

You’re an emotionless robot.

How could you understand?

You can’t love or be loved.

The words were being distorted by fear.  

COGNITIVE DISTORTION, his mind supplied helpfully.  But the panic was setting in, it was too late.  Too late.  Too late. 

COGNITIVEDISTORTIONCOGNITIVEDISTORTIONCOGNITIVEDISTORTION his mind yelled as his thoughts continued to spiral.  There was no way out of this, his body continued to shake as he pulled himself into a ball on the floor, searching for some form of comfort on the cold, barren floor.

There was a knock at the door and Logan’s mind began processing the pattern.

Virgil.

Logan didn’t want him to come in.  He didn’t want him to see him like this, but his thoughts continued to spiral and his mind continued calling out the fallacies in his logic.  He reached out a shaky hand and managed the slightest of snaps to unlock his door.  Virgil immediately stumbled in and met Logan’s eyes with an equally matched amount of panic.  Patton and Roman were standing in the doorway; Roman looked aghast while Patton held his hand over his mouth, tears welling in his eyes.

“Oh Logan,” he whispered.

Logan felt like he was on fire and freezing at the same time.  His skin felt too tight and every new breath of air choked him a little more than the last.  He was numbly aware of Virgil kneeling beside him and was barely able to make out what he was saying through his own ragged breathing.

“In for four- 1, 2, 3, 4… Hold for seven- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… Out for eight- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…” Virgil seemed to be choking on his own words, but continued counting nonetheless, beginning to calm himself down in the process.

They continued on like this for a couple of minutes, taking breaks occasionally to simply count what was nearby to help ground themselves.  Finally when Logan’s breathing calmed and Virgil was no longer hunched over beside him, the other Sides entered the room cautiously.

“Logan… I’m sorry, I–” Roman started.

“We didn’t mean for–” Patton tried, reaching out for the other Side before thinking better of it and retracting his hand.  Logan hunched his shoulders, still willing his emotions back into those little boxes he was able to organize and maintain.  He didn’t need them right now, he didn’t need them often.  He could store them until the day Thomas decided Logic didn’t need empathy and he could toss them once and for all.  He didn’t seem to have them anyways, as the other Sides had so blatantly pointed out.

“No, I’m sure you didn’t.”  Damn, there goes Bitterness, Logan thought, mentally boxing that emotion once more.

“It wasn’t right… for us to say those things,” Virgil said, suddenly very interested in the floorboards.  “I know you have emotions… It’s just that, well, sometimes we forget to… I don’t know, I’m just trying to say… We shouldn’t have said those things and even if you box up your emotions, it doesn’t mean that they can’t still be hurt.”  Logan looked at him, surprised to hear Virgil weighing in so heavily on the matter.  Of all of them, he’d expected Patton, but Virgil…

“I can feel them too, you know?”  Virgil continued, finally looking at Logan again, a certain sadness in his eye that Logan wasn’t used to seeing.  “The bad emotions, the panic, guilt, anxiety.  That’s sort of right up my alley.”  Logan mentally chided himself.  Of course.  Virgil could feel whenever any one of them was distressed the same way Roman could sense the start of a good idea or Patton could sense an influx of emotions.  Patton had given up the reigns on negativity long ago, so though he was able to feel a shift in emotion if he thought for long enough, for Virgil it was like a punch to the gut.

Roman stepped forward, standing by the armchair beside Logan.  “I’m sorry, I got carried away in the heat of the moment and… I know that passion is no excuse, but I hope you’ll forgive me.  I promise to be more mindful in the future, that… that wasn’t very noble of me at all,” he finished solemnly.  Logan smiled in appreciation.

“I’ll consider it… “ he said.  Roman looked crestfallen for a moment before Logan put his hand on his shoulder, “I’ll forgive you this once, but don’t you ever try something like this again.”  I’m not sure I could take it.

Roman nodded his head vigorously.  “Indeed I shan’t.  In fact, we could return the dog tonight if you want, I’m sure that some foster family would love to take care of him.”  Logan thought for a moment before shaking his head.

“No, I think, given the right schedule and preparation, Thomas should be able to care for him.”  Patton came up beside Virgil and smiled softly at Logan.  

“I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have said those things, especially when I knew they weren’t true.  Emotions really can be messy and I don’t blame you for keeping them in check like you do.  It’s really impressive, actually, how you manage to keep them so organized.”  

Logan laughed dryly, “Yeah, you saw how well that helped me.”  Patton reached forward and this time did put his hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

“Logan, you’re allowed to use whatever system works for you.  So long as it isn’t harmful, if keeping your emotions in check like that is the best way to think logically, then I support you one hundred percent.”  Logan smiled, genuinely feeling accepted for the first time in a long time.  “Also,” Patton added, “we came up with a name for him if you wanted to weigh in.”  Logan raised an eyebrow curiously.

“Okay, so we were thinking… Reese.  Short for Reason… you know, like the pieces that come together to make logical decisions?”  Patton finished hurriedly, hoping it wasn’t too forward of them to name their new pet after one of Logan’s aspects.

He laughed and the others’ shoulders relaxed as the tense atmosphere melted away.

“Reese… I like it.”  There was a soft bark in the distance.

“Well I’m glad,” Roman said, leaning out the door, “because it looks like Reese does too.”  The dog came barreling into the room, a little ball of energy.  Logan knelt down and scratched Reese’s back as he happily nuzzled his head into Logan’s tie.  There was only one logical thing left to do.  Logan opened a box and basked in its emotion.  Love.

[felidfavs]

it's time to make a "my life sucks" post

so this is just going to be a list of ongoing shitty things of varying degrees of annoyance.

mum is stressed as shit over money. We had to buy a new hot water tank, and her husband a new phone, and both the mortgage and our phone bills have been fucked up and thus are needing dealt with ASAP. On top of really tenuous payments for a fuck up she made involving his work checks and his immigration status awhile ago.

i'm stressed as shit over money. i contribute a small amount to rent and phone, and my own loans every month that is coming out of old loan and no new money right now. I haven't wanted to make money with art because i'm sketched out over taxes and legalities- and since my mom has always done my taxes and is always too busy and stressed out to show me how... not to mention probably not the best at it anyways... it's not something that's likely to change any time immediately.

So i'm trying i find work. I am not doing a super amazing job at that because of my anxiety and overthinking and shit but. I am applying for at least 1 thing a week at this point, which is better then the previous nothing at all so.

But to get work I also need to buy some new clothes, most things have a dress code u know. At the very least i need some shoes. I think. I might just go dig around and see if there's any old pairs that would fit the bill but i doubt it.

and then there's just the general things piling up like; i haven't had a hair brush with a handle for like. 2 years lmfao. it's fine and i refuse to buy myself one cause just having the head works perfectly fine but it's one of those things u look at when ur annoyed at money and just go "jfc what is my life"

I havent had easy access to a shower in like. i don't even know. probably around 4 years now? Again, our bath functions and that does an adequate job so. Not the end of the world but. thinking "i haven't been able to shower in my own home for 4 years" is mildly depressing.

My dog needs to be put down. hard stop if i had the agency to do it i would. He is old. He stumbles a lot. The "fat deposit" on his shoulder is the size of a small cat at this point. He has some sort of wound on his head now apparently. He huffs and wheezes constantly (probably from the weight of that mass or other things) and like. While he's still... fine.. like he eats happily he still manages the stairs with some effort and he's still playful if you bug him... he's old and he's dying and he's not exactly comfortable. And it sucks to have to watch him. But i know my mum isn't going to put him down any time soon until she HAS to because she doesn't take death well AT ALL and won't add that to her stress willingly.

Sadie has had chronic ear infections since she was a pup. We don't buy shit for them, and while it wouldn't do that much good anyways given how impossible it is to get anything in her ear... i'm getting tired of wrangling her and coaxing her into letting me wipe sludge out of them twice a day every day to no improvement.

Apparently i need a new computer. Because i can't get mine to stop fucking restarting. i dug out an old keyboard to try to get to the start up repair shit but it doesn't seem to be able to like... get its drivers in before the restart cycle or it's not compatible idk. it gets power to it but it doesn't work. So idk what to do about that. and i don't.. want to call someone. i really don't. i need a new one badly anyways. but i don't have the money for it.

I also probably need a new phone soon... which is entirely my fault. Being jobless and stressed and battling all my shit i've been using it WAY TOO HEAVILY and it barely holds a charge anymore. But that's what you get when you've been using it to play music all night cause it's the only way you can sleep :/

im supposed to go hang out at ACAD today cause there's an artist talk and i want to get more involved with humans and not being a house hermit but i also kind of just want to go to sleep for awhile and stop existing. I was gunna try to find some shoes too but now i don't wanna make that expense if i need a computer first. If i can bring a bag to work if i get that job i have shoes i can probably manage in they're just very slick and not ideal for actual... work lol. but if i have to i'll make it work u know.

shitty part about if my computer is dead is i started a new painting and it's only like 2 days old so i haven't backed it up anywhere else :-)

oh also i've low key been worried i might be like..... actually ill. probably just me reading into shit looking to cause more stress but my lower back hasn't stopped being mildly sore since that couple days where it was really bad and i still wake up a bunch at night uncomfortable. and just like. general not feeling great. and a couple other choice sore spots. i dunno how much stock i want to put into it because that means i should probably get on seeing a doctor but again. money. and that is a very Big Thing that i don't want to deal with if i don't have to because it will probably put me out of every other stressful thing i try to do to focus on it. but it keeps bugging me cause like.. if it's something bad and i ignore it and it fucks me over even worse u know.

oh and of course there's always "grandma could drop dead any day" stress as per usual.

"i need to learn how to drive" stress

"will i ever have my shit together to get back to pottery" stress

"keep your body and brain demons happy so u don't want to give up and kill yourself again" stress

anyways i'm done complaining for now back to dealing with it all.