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❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜  ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness. ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives? ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control. ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly. ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope — It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together. ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase. ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord. ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you. ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory. ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are. ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences. ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise. ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table? ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place? ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death? ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable. ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you. ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner. ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away. ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

#sentence starters #generate sentence prompts #rp meme #roleplay prompt #roleplay meme #prompt for writing #rp prompt #send emoji meme #long tw

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iamdorka · 4 years

Photo

COLSON (x Reader)

Last updated: 2020/04/25

Imagines

I Couldn’t Be More In Love ‘Colson and the reader have been friends since high school. “Friends”. Maybe they were more than that but before they never really spoke about it… and everything was okay until Colson started to act quite strange because the reader started to spend more and more time with his co-worker Harry Styles. ‘ not requested (12/08) 100+ notes

PART II (12/10)

PART III (12/12)

When we were young ‘Heyy I dont know if you’re a fan of adele but there’s this song of hers called when we were young… There’s a lyric there that goes ‘you are just like a movie just like a song’… Could you do one where they are breaking up because of obvious reasons but they’re still in love but they cannot do that anymore. Just her being sorry for what’s happening and like she says something on these lines to him. Her being tired and last goodbye type something.’ requested by @lovemythsworld (11/24)

IMAGINE ’Basically, it’s involve Colson taking care of the reader during her period please? I just got mine today and I passed out on the floor because I got very dizzy and then I had to run to pharmacy to get more medicine and to the store as I had no food left and all while feeling really bad… ’ requested by @being-worthy (11/05) 200+ notes

IMAGINE ‘Make the reaction of Colson knowing that it will be dad!!’ requested 11/03) 100+ notes

IMAGINE – ’Hey girl can you do a imagine where colson is meeting your girlfriends for the first time and he is kinda nervous but they don’t know he is mgk until he walks in with y/n and they get all the tea in the “ladies room” and y/n thinks it’s funny they are so interested because to her colson is colson not mgk’ requested by @britshmgkstan (10/30) 100+ notes

IMAGINE- ’Can I request an imagine of Colson pleasuring himself. And y/n catches him. She watches in secret for a minute then sneaks in to pleasure colson. He is in shock and literally has no words. Really really really smutty pretty please!!! Love you!!!’ requested (10/20) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘Can you do a GC where you and kels are together and you guys decide to play never have I ever and of course it turns sexual and it gets revealed you and kels are in the mile high club’ requested (10/13) 100+notes

Bad dreams - ’Could I ask for a ColsonxReader where there not together yet please? She’s sleeping at their place after a party, has a bad dream, one of those that make you wake up with a jolt, racing heart, it’s very hard to get back to sleep. She goes to the kitchen deciding to stay up but C sees her, asks what she’s doing up. He decides to carry her to his bedroom and just holds her close & tight telling her it was just a bad dream, he’ll protect her, & confesses to her? ’ requested by @being-worthy (10/08) 100+notes

IMAGINE - ‘Hey girl I want to request teaching Spanish to the crew.’ requested by @verywell-fandango (10/06) 100+ notes

Headcanons

IMAGINE „Could I please request a ‘Dating ______ would include:’ bullet point headcanon for Colson, Dom and Pete respectively? I love your writing; thank you 🖤” (04/11) 100+ notes

new puppies. “How about an imagine with Colson, where his girl adopts two pups (they’re still growing and both are half husky half wolf) because they’re brothers and inseparable and couldn’t let them on their own and because she misses Colson, so she has someone to snuggle with. Colson comes back home after a few months and finds two huge dogs on his side of the bed and they’re growling at him because they think he’s a threat and wont let him get close to her?” requested by @being-worthy ❤ (03/15)

The making of the new album (02/01) 100+ notes

Mad Being mad at him (01/21) 100+ notes

Fashion week… in Paris Going with Colson to Paris fashion week (01/16) 100+ notes

Fake texts

IMAGINE “Will you write another ColsonxReader quarantine story soon? I’m bored and don’t know what to do with myself… Stay healthy and stay indoors!!!’ requested by @being-worthy 💕 (04/05)

COLD ‘I feel like these lyrics “You want somebody that’ll keep you warm at night Then, tell me, why you actin’ cold to me?” Would be great for an imagine’ (01/19)

Rehab ‘Hi, can I request an imagine with Colson inspired by/based on Rehab lyrics. Thank you💜 Love your works💗’ requested by @kiss-yall (01/18)

IMAGINE ‘She said no to him so many times. But she had enough with herself and she decided to have some fun because she knows she deserves it.’ (01/11)

IMAGINE ‘Request for Colson & Y/N teasing texts cause he’s feeling excited late at night! Please & Thank you love your posts!’ requested by @xxkellsvixen19xx .(12/23) 100+ notes

why are you here ‘The one based on Colson’s new song 'WHY ARE YOU HERE’ (12/19)

IMAGINE - ‘Can I request some fluff and funny convo between reader & colson ??? Being in love 😍 making fun of each other idk not too corny’ requested (11/16)

IMAGINE ‘Kells and reader have some history together, but after he texts her one day she doesn’t want to talk to him because she knows the reason behind his texts… and she doesn’t want to get hurt again’ not requested but special thanks to @echelonwonderland for helping me out (11/15)

IMAGINE ‘When you have time can you write one where he is working on a new movie in another state and she sees this video and she is mad because he has cut his beautiful hair?’ requested by @bakerkells (11/14)

IMAGINE - ‘hiii pumpkin, can i request a text w/ colson about him finally asking y/n to be his girlfriend after talking/dating for months? thank you in advance 💜’ requested (11/12)

IMAGINE ‘Hellooo.. I have a scenario in mind. Could you do an text imagine, where the reader has Colson watch over her puppy while she’s gone? Let’s just say he has a hard time keeping him/her out of trouble. ❤’ requested (11/09)

PART II - the new family member ‘Hi can you do an imagine based on the instagram story Colson put up recently of “well we got a dog in the family now” (I have a screenshot of it if you need it!) And something like hes away on tour and you are looking after Cassie and you two decide to get a dog while Colson is away? Thank you so much in advance xxx’ requested by @sacvf (01/07)

IMAGINE - ‘Can you do a chat imagine where they met the night before at a party an kells asks her on a proper date’ & 'Could I have a MGK request where you’ve just met at a party and exchanged numbers. Later in the night he sees you talking to another guy who is flirting with you so MGK texts you to ask you out before he loses his shot?’ requested by an Anonymous and by @thesetemporaryfeelings (11/08)

IMAGINE ’You’re a new actress and Kells slides into your DMs after watching one of your movies and invites you to his next show?! Love your blog!!!’ requested (11/02)

IMAGINE ‘Hieeya it’s me here again..So today what I had in mind is something like this..Colson and reader are like the chillest kinda friends (the ones where everyone thinks they are dating but they are not.. Cliche I know but pleasee read on) And then reader starts hanging out with a bunch of different different guys.. And colson gets like jealous. (some points it out on their group chat and colson like gets mad and then they talk on dm’s…)’ requested @lovemythsworld (11/02)

IMAGINE ‘How about imagine where Y/N is a single mother of a kid (6 y/o idk). Colson and Cassie just met her baby. And Colson texted Y/N how excited he was to finally meet him/her for the first time. And Y/N is kind of confused because she didn’t expect someone to love her child this much. And she tells Colson that her kid is constantly asking about him, and wants him to come back. And Colson wants to see Y/N more often and also he adores her baby. Thanks💜’ requested (11/01)

IMAGINE ‘Ooooh what about reader x MGK where he spots you in the crowd at his show, gets your number and ends up texting/ sexting you that night???’ requested (10/22) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘can you pls make one where y/n love rock music and always get horny while listen no Marilyn Manson, and suddenly Colson tell her that we will be in his birthday party, and things get kinda hot there? tnx!’ requested (10/19)

IMAGINE ‘can we please have imagine where y/n is sick and grumpy and “doesn’t” want colson to come over and take care of her (but obviouslyyyy she does) thank you 😌’ requested (10/18)

IMAGINE ‘Can you maybe post a text where y/n sees what happened to Kells in his forehead and texts him worried?’ requested (10/18) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - I wanted to write an imagine based of some of my own bad experience with a boy (because writing this things down could help a lot even if it happened a long time ago and I don’t care about it or him anymore but it still an inspiration) then today I.D.G.A.F. by Dua Lipa started to playing on my phone today… AND IT MADE SO MUCH SENSE (it’s heavily inspired by that) hope you like this little thing too. 💜 (10/11)

IMAGINE - ‘Can you try one where colson loses his phone at a cafe he visits and then he texts his number from someone’s phone and the cute waitress who he flirted with before finds the phone and replies and they start getting to know each other and hit it off. You can totally ignore if you find it vague or stupid. I just had a thought.. ♥♥’ requested by @lovemythsworld (10/06) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘My idea is just MGK texting you trying to stop you from breaking up with him.’ requested by @thesetemporaryfeelings (10/05)

IMAGINE - ‘Yn is an actress and her new movie debuted. Colson is a friend (and totally into her) and he texts her how great she was in the movie. Their flirting is really intense and in the end she invites him over her house…(maybe for something juicy? 😏) requested (10/04) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘Can we pleaseee have a text imagine where colson is the one upset and needing his girl? that man is my heart and soul and it breaks my heart to know how much he’s hurting’ requested (09/28) 200+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘I would love to request something if that’s okay! Could I request a Machine Gun Kelly text where he texts you late at night because he hates your boyfriend and thinks you deserve so much better???’ requested (09/26)

IMAGINE - ‘Can I request reader and colson being writing buddies for a new song on her girl group and them being low key flirting with each other?’ requested (09/22) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘hi angel 😍 would you be willing to do one where y/n had a really bad day and just wants to smoke with colson and forget everything? random i know but i’m such a pothead and i just wanna smoke w kells 😂🙈 don’t judge meeee’ requested (09/22)

IMAGINE- ’Can you do one where yn is pregnant. She’s at home due to morning sickness. Mgk is in the studio but checks on her like every second lol also she has weird cravings and after colson leaves the studio he has to bring her pickles and ice cream (or something). Thank you, sweetheart 😊’ requested (09/21)

IMAGINE - ‘Request for texts between Colson & Y/N after seeing an IG post if her from a photoshoot that gets him turned on! Please & thank you love your posts!’ requested by @xxkellsvixen19xx (09/19)

IMAGINE - ‘Haha can you do this: yn has a fave panty set. She wants to wear it, but just finds the bra, not the panty. She texts mgk (her bf) and she’s sad, that she can’t find it ☹ Turns out Colson took it with him on tour, to have a piece of his gf with him 😄❤’ requested by Anonymous (09/18)

IMAGINE - ‘can you do one where colson and the reader had an argument and are both too stubborn and have too much pride to actually fix it but keep messing with each other being sassy af and all that until one of them cracks (hope any of this made sense) hahaha’ requested by Anonymous (09/17) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘Could you do one where reader just wants to be hold and loved with Colson please?’ requested by Anonymous (09/14)

IMAGINE - ‘Jealous kells text? Pleeeease?’ requested by Anonymous (09/13)

IMAGINE - ‘Can I request readers being upset about being far fron Colson and posting on her Instagram and kells texts her to make her feel better?’ requested by @verywell_fandango (09/11) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘Can you do a imagine where you are on tour with colson and the boys and because he isn’t paying attention to you and your in the mood you send him a nude and rook or slim almost sees it and he punishes you because only he can see you like that’ - requested by Anonymous. (09/10) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - You terribly miss Colson and finding some of his photos with Casie… you start having a really bad baby fever… 😇 but what does he think about it? (09/07) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘Could u write a friends with benefits with colson similar to the one you posted about the instagram story? that’s hot af btw’ (09/06) 100+ notes

PART II - - ‘Can you write a follow up to the fwb/hot date one. Maybe she’s having the date now. Even though the guy is hot, he’s so boring. So while he’s in the bathroom, she texts Colson to 'save her from the date’ (like with a phone call or text) so that she can leave the date. Of course she’ll go to colson then 😏 Thank you, you’re awesome! ’ (09/08) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - Colson is desperate to convince you to go the new IT premiere but the thing is.. you are scared af 🎈🙈’ (09/05) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘Could you do a text for colson where he meets your family and you are at dinner and he texts you from next to you saying how good you look in your dress and how turned on he is and you knew it that’s why you wore the dress so you tease him and sext him and as soon as you finished dinner he punishes you for it’ (09/03, requested by anonymus)

IMAGINE - ‘Colson and Y/N are best friends and they start sexting because she sent a picture to him that was supposed to be for someone else. Thanks love’ (09/03, requested by anonymus) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘Colson and Y/N working together on a shoot (music video or movie) but have to keep their hands to themselves because professionalism.’ (09/01, requested by anonymus)

IMAGINE - Colson’s new Instagram post makes you miss him even more and it’s not the only thing it makes you feel (09/01) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - because of the bad weather you decide to stay at home but then your texting with Colson turns into something else (08/29)

IMAGINE - ‘Could I request reader x colson text where the reader keeps on flirting with him, dropping hints that she likes him and him being oblivious?’ (08/27, requested by anonymus)

IMAGINE - the one where you argue about Bucky Barnes (08/25)

IMAGINE - you two had some history before which was a mess really and you haven’t talked like months because you were really hurt but one day you text him out of nowhere (08/25)

IMAGINE - long time no seen friends just start texting… and flirting (08/25, requested by anonymus)

IMAGINE - Kind of a drunk texting with Colson. (08/24)

IMAGINE - You are kind of deadly exhausted because of your work and Colson is done with that shit. (08/24, requested by @thoughtsoftheantagonist)

IMAGINE - Colson helping you out with your outfit for your girl’s night out (08/23) 100+ notes

Fake Instagram

#quarantinetime (04/19)

IMAGINE ‘Could we please get some MGK quarantine smut or something, please? 💜’ (04/10)

blank space (03/29)

#stayingathome (03/18)

the dork. the real. the Baker. (02/22)

#attheBahamas ‘Hey hun i wanted to ask are you gonna make a fake instagtam or a imagine based on his vacation in the bahamas? With the reader?’ requested by @kellysimagines (02/19)

Drunk night (02/15)

Valentine’s day (02/14) 100+ notes

adventure time ‘So the Reader and Colson took a little time off and went on a vacation, just the two of them and when they returned they just could not hold themself back and posted some pictures from their trip because they wanted to show the world how happy they are and there is nothing wrong with that because they can do whatever they want to do’ 👫❤ (02/01) 100+ notes

IMAGINE ‘Poking fun at each other on IG stories’ (01/14) 100+ notes

ADORE YOU ’Adoring your boyfriend’s futures’ (01/12)

part II (01/23)

Love is… “…a series of IG posts based on the idea of ‘Love is… ’ (01/09) 100+ notes

#thanksgivingatthebakersXX ‘Hiii happy thanksgiving! I love your writing, could you write about thanksgiving with Kells and the fam ❤️ ’ (01/05) 100+ notes

why are you here (the aftermath) ’Just got this idea from why are you here, but can u do one where is someone’s bday (like Pete’s or Rook’s or smth) and there’s a party ofc, and y/n is in Colson’s friends group, so she’s in the party but they always had this hate/love relationship, and they kinda fucked randomly but nobody knows, but now she’s there with somebody else and so he is, and that’s when the lyrics of the song starts to make the story you can do it imagine, instagram or sms. wtv u prefer ly’ // The backstory is the request and all of the pics were posted after that party, so it is the aftermath. An online game which only those two are playing. The song in this universe is out, just to be clear. Hope you like it this way too 😘 (01/03) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - Because there is no such a thing as enough IG love. #sorrynotsorry (12/29) 100+ notes

IMAGINE ‘Colson and Reader roasting each other in IG posts’ (12/26) 100+ notes

#christmasatthebakers 🎄🎄🎄 little Christmas present from me to YOU (12/24) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - Some IG stories from the Reader with the perfect captions.’ not requested (12/07) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - Reader spends lot of time with Kells in the studio… and she is making a journal of that time on IG 😍’ not requested (12/05) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - Colson’s girlfriend is just not having it’ not requested (12/03) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - Y/N and Colson showing their love for each other on Instagram because why not? 💋 not requested (12/01) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - Y/N showing her love for C and his friends in her special way 🙅❤ not requested (11/23) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - Just a little fake IG treat for You just because 🔥 not requested (11/14) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - Y/N shows her love for Colson on IG in a very unique way 📸 just capturing the real love (10/20) 100+ notes

PART II (10/25)

IMAGINE (male reader) ‘Can please I request another Colson x male reader Instagram style imagine and/or fake text kind? Thank you.’ requested (10/09)

IMAGINE (male reader) - ‘Could i request a reader x colson where the reader is male? im gay and there’s exactly: 0 content.’ requested by anonymous (09/14)

IMAGINE - Colson praisin’ his girl in his Instagram posts & in her comments (08/26)

IMAGINE - you lowkey admitting to the world you are a couple with Colson. (08/24)

Fake social medias (mixed: IG, twitter, texts etc.)

IMAGINE ‘After that pic of Colson with baby Ash, i totally need some fooking fluffy stuff like he and y/n have a baby boy, and she out of town for some work related shit, and he’s taking care of their child, and being all goofy and cute about it’ requested by @rosesinmars (01/02)

IMAGINE - Can i request one where the reader has curly hair (like myself) and she doesn’t like it and kells really loves it// requested by @bakerkells (12/25)

IMAGINE - So basically Kells is getting way too much hate from the online trolls because of his extrem behavior like partying and being seen with different girls literally every night. And it’s not just a momentary thing, they are hating on him strong even some ‘fans’ do this too. And it’s starting to piss off his friends too, the unnecessary behaviour of his so called fans because they know him better than those people and even if they want to ignore it… they see literally everywhere those hating, shading comments, opinions which nobody asked for. So one day Y/N, Colson’s long time no seen friend from his inner circle has enough because she knows even if C doesn’t admit it… this behavior from his 'fans’ hurt him a little bit.” not requested (11/28)

PART II (11/29)

IMAGINE ‘Reader is a famous actress and friends with kells. Before she had her big break, she modeled. She posts a throwback, when she modeled for Bikini or underwear. She’s like “so awkward lol” and Kells answers with emojis and is like “Damn YN!” They flirt in the comments and later Kells DM’s her ;)’ requested (11/26)

IMAGINE ‘you and Colson are close friends and occasionally sleep with each other. We all know about his feet kink. One day after you had a manicure and pedicure, you posted your newly designed finger and toe nails on insta. Colson is like 😍👅🔥😈 And then DM’s you, to invite you over 😏’ requested (11/10)100+ notes

IMAGINE ‘Could you make this: YN and Kells are friends and she visited him on The Dirt set. Afterwards she followed everyone on insta. One day she liked and comment on a post of Daniel Webber (something flirty) and he responds, also flirty. Kells see this and DM’s yn and is jealous but won’t admit it at first. YN finds this funny and says stuff like “You flirt even more than me on insta 😂” Kells can’t deny this 😄 Thank you, you’re so sweet!!’ requested (10/28)

IMAGINE - ‘So not a long ago Colson liked this first tweet (in real life) and it caused a little problem in our community and I just felt I needed to write about it.’ (10/27)

IMAGINE ‘Reader tweeting something like “we were so much more than you let us be” “our almost still haunts me” and kells texting her’ requested (10/19)

IMAGINE ‘Y/N is an actress and one day she totally starts to fangirl about MGK on Twitter/IG and then Colson sees it.. ‘ (10/01) 100+ notes

PART II (10/03)

PART III (11/19) 100+ notes

(the main masterlist)

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let-it-raines · 5 years

Text

Rising from the Ashes (20/21)

When her husband died, Emma wasn’t sure that she could ever move on. He left her with a broken heart and a baby who was only three-months old. It’s enough to take most people down, to make them not want to keep going, but Emma Swan isn’t most people. She’s stronger than she has any right to be.

And after years of heartache, she’s found ways to move on…one of those being in Neal’s best friend, Killian Jones.

As she’s always known, however, things are more complicated than they ever seem to be.

Rating: Mature

A/N: So, friends, this is the penultimate chapter! The next chapter is the epilogue with all of the happiness that this family deserves, so be looking out for that one! I’ll post when everyone has had some time to read this one! 💙

A special shoutout to @shady-swan-jones for prompting me this story back in November. I was going to write a one shot, never could figure out how to do it, and then posted the introduction to the one shot so I could encourage myself to keep writing it. Another shoutout to @wellhellotragic for helping me formulate ideas and for making sure everything made sense and another one for @bmbbcs4evr because she literally messages me after every chapter with detailed notes that point out little things that I figured no one would notice and flails over something that’s super angsty. And thanks to @resident-of-storybrooke for simply being herself 😊

This has been such a difficult story to write, but I’ve really, truly enjoyed getting to put my heart into crafting it.

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21

Tag list: @ultraluckycatnd @jamif @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @resident-of-storybrooke @captainsjedi @captswanis4vr @teamhook @ekr032-blog-blog @mayquita @bmbbcs4evr @pirateherokillian @wellhellotragic @kmomof4 @jennjenn615 @onceuponaprincessworld @shady-swan-jones @snow-into-ash @andiirivera @mariakov81 @shireness-says @kristi555 @facesiousbutton82 @superchocovian @jonirobinson64 @snowbellewells @thejollyroger-writer @tiganasummertree @idristardis @blowmiakisscolin

-/-

“Hey, Ems,” Neal smiles, looking for all the world like he belongs in this house while suddenly the place where she once felt safest no longer feels secure. Her heartbeat has picked up by a solid twenty seven more beats per minute, and her legs seem like flimsy toothpicks beneath her as she places her hand against Henry’s shoulder, the warmth of Killian’s hand on her back the only thing that seems not to be freezing her out.

She’s dreaming. She has to be dreaming. There’s no other explanation for any of this. She’s going to wake up in thirty seconds and Killian’s arms are going to be wrapped around her and the man who abandoned her isn’t going to be holding her daughter in the way that he never held his son.

Vomit makes its way up her throat, but she swallows it down and closes her eyes as she attempts to take one deep breath after another. The tension is practically rolling off of Killian, but he’s the ones who brushes by her first, quickly heading into the living room and pulling Neal into a hug only to come out with Ada held securely in his arms.

Good.

Okay, good.

That makes her breathe a little more easily, and when Killian nods at her, a soft smile on his face, she takes that as her cue to try to act as naturally as she can. It’s difficult figuring out what that is, especially since even if she didn’t know everything she knew, she would still be pissed at Neal and at their conversation from yesterday. Every bit of that was unacceptable, but she can’t knock the teeth out of his mouth with Henry in here.

She really wants to knock the teeth out of his mouth and possibly break a bone or two.

But she can’t. She can’t do any of that, and it’s so damn unfair. This man has made her love him time and time again, even if it has been in different ways, and then ripped her entire life out from underneath her. All she wants is to scream and yell and work out every bit of anger and resentment, but none of that is possible.

This man is her son’s father, and even if he is a criminal and an undeniable asshole, she cannot degrade him in front of Henry. Not yet. They’re going to have to have that conversation, but no part of her is ready for it.

And she imagines she can’t be ready until someone arrests her ex-husband.

What the fuck is her life?

“You look like a ghost,” Ruby laughs, and Emma blinks in response several times until her vision clears of the blurry tears and Ruby comes into view. She’d forgotten that Ruby was here. How did she forget that? Why didn’t Ruby text her that Neal was here? “Of course, I would too if my ex-husband showed up in my house,” she whispers in Emma’s ear, making her laugh even if she doesn’t know why.

“When did he get here?”

“About five minutes ago.”

She nods, swallowing her gulp again. “Thanks for watching the kids, Rubes. Were they good?”

“They were great. We got ice cream, like I promised, and then we did stop by my house to pick up some paints. They’ve both got a few pieces drying out on the back deck, so make sure to look out there and get them.”

“What’d you paint for me, kid?” she asks Henry, her voice cracking as she tries to smile at him.

“Dinosaurs. Ruby looked them up for me online and drew them for me before I painted them.”

“Well that’s nice of her. Why don’t you thank her before she leaves, okay? I’m going to go say hi to your dad.”

Henry nods before he starts chatting Ruby up like she hasn’t been with her all day. It makes her legitimately smile when she’s having a difficult time keeping control of any of her limbs, but she focuses on the way that Henry is currently happy and Ada is babbling without stopping to Killian as he sits with her on the couch all the while she steps closer to Neal and pretends that he doesn’t make her feel like she’s covered in a layer of un-washable grime.

Unlike Killian, she doesn’t have the wherewithal to give him a hug, so she steps in front of him and straightens her shoulders all the while he smiles down at her. She’s never found his smile creepy until this exact moment. Condescending, sure. Creepy, not at all.

“What are you doing here, Neal?”

“What? A man can’t come and surprise his son?”

“Not without talking about it to me first.”

Neal’s jaw ticks. “He’s my son. I can see him when I want to.”

“That’s not how parenting works when you don’t live in the same house, and you know it. I’m not asking for the world. I’m asking for you to give me a heads up before you show up at my house.”

“Thought you’d be happy to see me.”

Emma laughs, something dark and sadistic, and she has to reign herself in. She will not let Henry see everything right now. At least he’s still talking to Ruby. “Yeah,” she lies, forcing another smile onto her face, “I think you showing up here is the highlight of my day. How is it that you couldn’t make it up here on Friday like you were supposed to and yet you’re here today?”

“Change of plans.”

She clicks her tongue and crosses her arms over her chest before sitting down on the arm of the couch, all of the remaining strength in her body leaving her as the lack of sleep and stress catches up to her. “Well, I’m sure Henry is excited to see you. I’ll order some pizza for dinner, and you guys can watch a movie or something after he finishes his book report.”

God, she doesn’t want to deal with having to do a book report even if it’s for a third grade class.

Life goes on even when hers is falling apart, it seems.

“Dad,” Henry says, coming to stand between them as he bounces up and down on his toes, “I have to show you my room. I got new books. Come on.”

Henry tugs at Neal’s shirt, and Neal smiles before following him up the stairs, his footsteps leaving an imprint on each stair. She doesn’t really want him alone with Henry, but honestly, it’s a relief for the both of them to be out of the room so that she can breathe. Why can she still not breathe?

Leaning down, she props her head between her legs and places her hands on her neck to try to squeeze out the tension that’s remaining there. In muted tones she hears Ruby saying goodbye, her laugh the loudest part about it as she talks to Ada and Killian, and vaguely she realizes that Ruby is saying goodbye to her too. It’s difficult to get her voice to sound normal, to think straight as she hugs Ruby goodbye and promises that she’ll explain everything at work tomorrow.

Except she knows that she’s not going to be at work tomorrow. There’s no way.

As soon as the door clicks behind Ruby, everything becomes a little louder, Ada’s babbling clearer, and she walks into Killian’s side before he even gets the chance to lift his arm. She’s always been able to stand on her own, but sometimes she needs the support. Right now is one of those times. Killian lifts his arm out from between them and wraps it around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him so that she can feel all of his warmth as his lips press against her forehead. She nearly sobs at the feeling.

“It’s okay, love.”

“It’s n-not. How is he here? Why is he here? What are we supposed to do?”

“I don’t know. I’ll…I think that I’ll text David and let him know that he’s here, and he’ll talk to Graham. They might – Emma, they might not be ready to bring him in yet, and if that’s the case, I need you to act like nothing is wrong. If Neal gets a whiff of anything, if he knows that someone is on to him, I’m sure he has the resources to run.”

“Would he do that?”

“He’s done it before.”

She nods her head against his chest before pulling back and looking directly at Ada. It’s kind of like looking in a mirror, but right now her eyes show more blue than green, and her eyelashes fall darkly against her cheeks like Killian.

“Hey, bug,” she sighs, taking her in her arms and holding her. Her limbs are still shaking, nerves and tiredness winning over determination, but she knows that she has to push through this.

Nothing has ever completely knocked her out before. She can do this. She has to.

The entire night is this odd blur of confusion and anxiety and tenseness that can’t be fixed. Neal is acting like everything is normal, like he didn’t just show up at their house, like he isn’t a liar, like he didn’t try to cut Killian out of Henry’s life. She still doesn’t understand any of that. The man left her, left Henry, and yet he came back. Why in the world did he come back when he obviously wanted nothing to do with them? Why does he want something to do with them now, and what is his issue with Killian? If he didn’t care enough to come home, why would he care about Killian’s role in Henry’s life?

The only thing she can think of is jealousy, and that seems like the worst excuse in the world. He didn’t want her or want to be with her, and yet he’s acting like he has some right to the life they used to share.

Neal may not have died, but their old life is dead and buried in the ground far more than six feet under.

Instead of putting Ada to bed in her room, she lets her fall asleep on her chest, the small puffs of air more reassuring than anything, and throughout the night she never takes her eyes off of Henry to make sure that he’s okay. She’s sure that he’s safe, that they’re all safe in here, but her life has been so unpredictable that she can’t help the worry that is continuing to fester in the pit of her stomach as she waits to see just how much longer she’s going to have to live with Neal being back in her house.

When all of this is over, she wants to move. She wants to be away from this place. It has been her home, the place where she’s felt the most secure and the place where she conceived her daughter, but it’s been tainted by everything that’s happened over the past nine months.

Ada turns one in two weeks, and this is not a year that she wants to remember even though it will be inked like a tattoo on her brain for the rest of her life. Hopefully the bright spots will blur away the darkness.

It simply has to.

Neal doesn’t make any odd moves, doesn’t say anything else that is horrifically wrong, and from the outside looking in, he looks like a father who loves his son and loves spending time with his family. For all of the world, and most of the western world does know who they are if they watched the news at some point last year, they are some kind of perfect family who is making the best of a complicated situation. That’s what Neal put on in his interview, what he made everyone including her believe even if she’s never been under the impression of anyone being perfect, and now she wonders what parts of her life are still true.

Killian is true. He may have withheld things from her, and they may have their issues, but he’s real. And he’s not going to abandon her. Of that she is completely and totally sure.

Her children are true, her brother, her mom. She needs to call her mom and tell her that she loves her and thank her for helping to give Emma so many good parts of her life. No part of her would be the same with Ruth having adopted her, and even if it’s a shitstorm right now, it’s still good.

She has to have hope that it’s going to get better too.

“Alright, time to go to bed,” Killian yawns when the Lego Movie ends, their thousandth viewing of it finally over.

Henry groans and throws his head back against the couch. “Seriously?”

“Aye, you’ve got school in the morning, and I imagine that Mary Margaret won’t be too happy if you’re sleeping through one of her lessons.”

“I’ve done that before.”

Killian laughs at the same time that she does, and for the briefest of moments, everything feels normal again, especially when Henry slides down the couch cushions and is basically a noodle for forty five seconds until Neal scoops him up from the couch, standing him on his feet and placing his hand on his shoulders.

“I’ll put him to bed.”

“Thanks,” she says with a forced smile. How can he be acting so normally when everything is not normal? How has he spent nearly this entire time like that with only a few slip ups? “Goodnight, kid. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

She watches as Henry and Neal make their way up the stairs, the two of them peas in a pod, and her heart sinks again at absolutely everything. Henry is a smart kid. He’s going to understand a lot of the fallout of everything that’s inevitably going to happen, but he’s also still eight years old. There are a lot of things he’s not going to understand right now, but he’s going to understand them one day. The repercussions are going to follow him forever.

Can they still get that group rate on family therapy sessions?

Her sadistic jokes have got to stop.

Emma adjusts Ada on her shoulder, wondering when in the world she got so heavy, and carefully stands to join Killian in the kitchen where he’s putting away the leftover slices of pizza in a Tupperware container, neatly sliding it into its spot in the refrigerator before his phone chimes.

“Who’s that?”

He doesn’t answer, but she watches as his brows pinch together and the lines on his forehead all focus in on one area as the skin at his jaw convulses, Killian very obviously frustrated and focused.

She runs her hand over Ada’s back and takes a step closer to Killian. “Babe, what is it?”

“David says that Graham and some of his coworkers are going to come to the house to arrest Neal so they can question him.”

“What?”

“They’re – they want to move ahead with the investigation, to stop losing money on manpower. Apparently after talking to you they realized they weren’t going to learn anything new without Neal, and they’re willing to offer him some kind of fucking deal.”

Her heart is never going to take up residence in her chest again. It’s permanently going to live in the pit of her stomach and never return to its normal beating within her chest. At least it’s still beating because her breath has been escaping her all night.

“Right now?”

“Aye.” Killian nods his head before he drops his phone onto the countertop, the clanking loud against the marble, and he steps forward to wrap his arms around she and Ada, pulling her as flush against his chest as he can with their daughter in between them. She doesn’t even realize that she’s shivering until Killian rubs his hand up her back. He’s always doing that, and she needs him to never stop. “Take Ada upstairs, darling,” he whispers in her ear so that the warmth of his lips press into her skin and his beard scratches her. “Put her to bed and make sure that Neal is finished getting Henry to go to sleep. Our kids are going to be in bed when this happens, and when they wake up in the morning, nothing is going to be different for them, okay?”

“How do we tell Henry about any of this?”

“We’ll figure that out later. He doesn’t need to know right now. We won’t tell him until we have to.”

She nods her head against Killian’s neck and presses her lips against his collarbone. His arms fall from around her, and she moves toward the staircase to take Ada upstairs, hoping that she doesn’t wake up when Emma places her in her crib. She stirs a bit, but mostly she’s able to put Ada down without any fuss. She’s always loved this nursery, loved the calming neutral colors and decorations, and even though Ada spent most of her time in her bassinet in their bedroom, Emma can’t begin to count the hours that she spent in here nursing or reading Ada to sleep. Her baby is so full of innocence, of light, and she wishes for all the world that she could give that same innocence to Henry.

“I love you, bug,” she whispers to Ada, leaning down and brushing her lips against her forehead before pushing her hair back.

Swallowing the emotion in her throat, she walks out of the nursery and sees Neal closing Henry’s door. It’s something she grew used to in his time living here, and if she closes her eyes, it’ll be just like it was then. Neal will have read Henry one of his books, told him he loved him, and there would be no underlying history of betrayal. It would simply be a father loving his son.

But it’s not that. How can it be?

“Is he asleep?” she questions, trying not to let anything slip past that shouldn’t while she messes with the pendant on her neck, needing something to do with her hands once more.

“Out like a light. He kept talking about his goal from yesterday.”

“It was a good one.”

“So I’ve gathered.”

“Do you have tomorrow off of work too? When are you going home?”

Neal smiles and takes a step closer to her. She instinctively wants to take a step back, but she doesn’t. She holds her ground. “Why? You trying to get rid of me already?”

“Never. I’m glad you’re here for Henry.”

(Always. You’re a bastard, she wants to say.)

“I felt bad cancelling on him. You have to believe me on that.”

“I do. Let’s – ” she hesitates, turning her head to look back down the hallway toward the stairs, “ – let’s go downstairs. I want you to tell me a little bit more about work.”

Neal quirks a brow and tilts his head to the side, and a shiver runs down her spine in recognition that he’s studying her, that he realizes that something is off. Neal may have lied to her, may have hidden truths of his life, but they were still together for four years. He knows her, and it terrifies her that she’s somehow given something away that she’s not supposed to.

“You want to talk about my work?”

“It’s important to you.”

“Huh. I just thought I’d be in for more of a lashing because of yesterday.”

If only.

“I have nothing more to say about that,” she grits as she turns on her heel and starts to walk away so that she can compose herself. She has a hell of a lot more to say, but really, she knows that it doesn’t matter. Not now. “Come on. I’ll get you something to drink.”

She doesn’t turn around, but she can feel Neal’s heavy presence behind her, a continual hovering that weighs her down over time. That’s how he’s always been, and she’s been too naïve to realize it. It’s how he works, apparently. He’s nice enough, saying and doing all of the right things only to gradually break her down and make her feel worthless. But then he’ll be sweet, do something kind for Henry, and she forgets all of the snide remarks he’s made toward her.

That’s not okay. It never has been.

“Babe,” she calls when she gets to the bottom of the stairs, “will you get Neal some whiskey?”

“Aye.”

Her eyes follow Killian as he reaches up to grab a small glass out of the upper section of the cabinet. His muscles strain under the sleeve of his t-shirt, and her eyes fall to the dark hair that covers his forearms and the veins that lie beneath them. His shirt rises to show his stomach and the strong lines there that dip into his sweatpants. Her limbs are still shaking, goosebumps covering her arms, but Killian is steady. He’s always steady.

Right now she feels so incredibly weak, but really, she knows that she’s rarely had to be this strong.

Slowly but surely Killian pours all three of them glasses of whiskey, the liquid sloshing into the glasses, and when she’s handed hers, it takes everything in her not to gulp it all down so she can feel the harsh burn of it falling down her throat. Her gaze watches her drink move, the slow steadiness of it, and she takes pleasure in the consistent back and forth movement. In the back of her mind, she knows that she, Killian, and Neal are having a conversation. She can hear her words in her own head, hear the forced sound of Killian’s laugh, and then hear the quiet murmuring of Neal’s voice.

Mostly, though, she hears the click on the door as it opens, the crunch of boots as Graham walks into their house with a woman she’s never met following behind him, and she hears Neal cursing and questioning what’s happening before suddenly legal rights are being read over the clink of handcuffs snapping together.

That’s when the muted sounds stop, when everything comes back to full volume, and she listens to the familiar sound of Neal’s voice, the one she only heard in her dreams for eight years, and the unfamiliar sound of Graham’s voice as he continues to explain what’s happening. The woman, Agent Fa apparently, thanks she and Killian for their assistance, tells them that they’ll be able to get more information tomorrow, and then she’s gone too, closing the front door behind her and letting it click into place.

She places her drink on the counter, the whiskey untouched despite her desperate desire to drink it, and it takes one and a half steps for her to fall into Killian and rest her head on his shoulder, burying her nose into his shirt so that she can smell the faintest whiff of the detergent they use. It’s that familiarity, that normalcy of the smell that grounds her as her arms tighten around his stomach and his come to rest on her back again. This time they don’t move, they don’t rub her back to reassure her. They simply stay still, a warm presence when she feels so incredibly cold.

“I love you. I’m so proud of you,” Killian mumbles into her neck, and she nods her head in response as she feels a tear slip from her eye quickly followed by another until she’s uncontrollably sobbing, every single part of today and yesterday and the past twelve years of her life coming back to her while Killian finally rubs her back up and down. “You are so brave, my love. Undoubtedly the strongest person I’ve ever come across in my life.”

She chokes on one of her sobs, air struggling to get to her lungs, and she knows that she’s got to be wiping snot on Killian’s shirt from how she can’t stop her body from falling apart.

She’s thirty one years old, and she’s lived five lifetimes worth of pain.

“Shhh, shhh,” he comforts, his hand now moving against her back, patting her every time she gasps for breath, “I have got you, Emma. I’ve got you.”

No part of her misses that he doesn’t say that she’s okay, that it’s okay, and she takes comfort in that too. There’s no point in lying.

“I love you,” she gasps in a quiet whisper that he most likely can’t hear over her. “I – don’t…I’m…can we – I really need to go to bed,” she finally gets out as she pulls back to look at Killian through her blurry vision. She blinks through the tears, trying to clear her vision, and Killian moves one hand up her arm until he’s wiping away her tears with his thumb so that she can see the tears falling down his cheeks as well.

“Let’s go to bed,” Killian agrees, and she can’t help herself from pressing up on her toes and kissing away the tear staining his cheek.

The next day is the most difficult day, she thinks, because she spends the entire day wondering what exactly comes next and wondering if she’s ever going to get the answers she craves. It almost feels similar to how she felt when she was told that Neal couldn’t be found, that he’d disappeared, that he was most likely dead. She knew for sure that he was dead, that he was gone, but the way that there were no definitives made the tiniest glimmer of hope radiate from within.

Now all that radiates is dread.

They take Henry out of school that day, she and Killian call in sick, and after they tell Henry that Neal had to go home early, his brown eyes full of disappointment, she and Killian take the kids to Willard beach, packing up a picnic and beach toys to entertain everybody since it’s still a bit too cold to get into the water despite it being early May. Henry is definitely a little down at first, the highs and lows of thinking his father is going to be around only for him to be gone the next day definitely taking a bit out of him, but when they get onto the sand and Killian starts kicking a ball back and forth with him, he seems to forget, especially when Killian purposefully kicks the ball far enough away that Henry is running with all of the speed that his legs will allow him. He runs back, red faced with his hair all a mess, but he’s smiling.

Her little boy is smiling, and that’s all that matters.

Ada keeps trying to stand only to fall down into the sand, the uneven surface not good for her as she tries to walk (oh man is Emma not ready for that for whenever it comes), and Emma spends her time helping Ada out as much as she can but mostly lifting her in the air and making her giggle as she listens to her daughter babble every little word and sound she knows.

It lifts her in ways she never thought possible.

For a few hours she forgets everything that’s going on in a police department downtown and forgets everything that’s happened in the past forty eight hours. These three people in front of her that are making her laugh as mustard gets stuck on Killian’s beard and Henry sticks his tongue out to make his little sister laugh are making her see that there is such good in the world that makes everything else seem a little less harsh.

At least for now.

Three days later the news breaks that Robert Gold has been arrested at his home in London, and it’s all a spiral from there. She and Killian have to explain to Henry what is going on, and she adds it to the list of the hardest things she’s ever done. He doesn’t understand, even when they break it down into the simplest of terms, and the first hour of the conversation is spent with him yelling at the two of them telling them how they’re liars and that his dad would never do anything, that his dad is a hero. It’s what they’ve told him his entire life, and it’s an awful dose of reality having to explain that heroes fall and that dads aren’t infallible superheroes even when it seems like it a lot of the time.

Her heart shatters once more, the pieces becoming a little more broken, and when Henry finally stops yelling, finally stops being angry at her, he falls into her arms and sobs as loudly as she’s ever heard him sob. His small frame shakes in her embrace, and no matter how tightly she holds him she can’t get it to stop.

She may be shaking too.

Emma promises that she loves him, promises that he is a good kid with a good heart, but all of her words seem to fall flat to a kid who’s finding out that his dad, the one he just got to know, is going to be in prison for the foreseeable future.

It’s twelve years.

That’s the deal he made with the FBI or Interpol or whoever the hell it is in charge of his case in exchange for giving details up about his father. David tells her that when he, Mary Margaret, Leo, and Ruth come over for dinner to try to distract Henry from everything that’s going on. Maybe to distract she and Killian too. David says things factually, Mary Margaret overly worries about if everyone is eating and drinking enough, and Ruth stays being the calm in the storm. It’s difficult dealing with all of these people worrying about her, especially when her natural tendency is still to close herself off and deal with it on her own, but they help. And weirdly, she holds herself together until Killian is video chatting with Liam to give him an update on what’s going on and she sees Caleb in the background lining up cars in a neat row.

She sobs once more, covering her mouth with her hands, as she looks at how at home that kid is. In all of this mess she hasn’t properly had time to talk to Liam and Belle, to let them know how happy she is for the two of them, and seeing them with their son breaks her down to her core.

“Birdie,” Liam coos, concern filling his voice while that same concern fills Killian’s eyes. “Lass, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she says, really unsure of why exactly she’s crying. She takes a step into Killian’s space and settles down on his lap while his arm comes to wrap around her waist, pulling her flush against his body as his chin rests on her shoulder, beard scratching her skin. “I’m just so happy for you guys, and I really want to hold onto my nephew. Hi, Caleb.”

Caleb looks up at her from his spot and smiles, giving her a frantic wave before he goes back to playing.

“You can’t take him away from his cars,” Liam explains, the smile on his face exactly the same as the one that Killian gets when he’s thinking about their kids. The similarity would be weird if it wasn’t so heartwarming. “He loves the things. And trains, though he doesn’t seem to like riding on them.”

“That’s pretty much how it works,” Killian laughs as he presses a warm kiss into her cheek, making her close her eyes as a slight smile forms on her lips. “Ada loves messing with her bows when they’re on the ground, but if I put one in her hair it’s like I’m the worst person in the world.”

“Where is she? I need to see her on her last day before she turns one.”

“She’s napping,” Killian sighs. “Am I not good enough to talk to you?”

“Never. Though Emma does help. She’s always elevated you.”

“Amen,” she and Killian laugh at the same time, and the comfort of it has her leaning back to rest her cheek against his while he taps his fingers against her upper thigh, squeezing the slightest bit. “We’re going to come see you guys when life is a little less crazy, okay?”

“Take your time, Birdie. We’ll always be here.”

They talk for a few more minutes before Liam has to go, and when the conversation is over, she takes a deep breath, the air around her lighter than it has been in twelve days.

“We need to bake Ada’s birthday cake.”

“Aye. We could always buy one. There’s a bakery ten minutes away.”

She places her hands over his on her stomach and pats down. “I made Henry’s first birthday cake. I want to make Ada’s even if I’m still not the best baker.”

“It’s a good thing you’ve got me then.”

“Hmm, probably the best thing.” She twists her head until she can slide her lips over Killian’s, their mouths lightly brushing over each other for a minute until she pulls back. “And I want to get all of the decorations up tonight because I’m not going to be here in the morning.”

“We can do that. Are you – do you still want to go? You don’t have to.”

“I need to.”

Killian nods against her forehead, every word he says making his lips brush over hers. “I know. I can come in with you.”

“No, no. I want to…Killian, I need to do this one thing alone.”

“Of course,” he says, kissing her one more time in a way that makes her stomach melt. “I’m going to go get Henry so he can help us with the cake.”

“That sounds good.”

It’s a bit of a mess baking the cake, especially when Killian and Henry keep swiping icing out of her bowl, but they do make progress on Ada’s lady bug cake. She’s turning one and won’t care what kind of cake she’s eating as long as there’s sugar involved, but this is her baby, her little lady bug, and dammit if Emma’s not going to make sure she has a good first birthday. Her boys end up being bigger helps than she expects, and Henry has a great time placing the black dots onto the rounded red cake. Just like everything else they’ve been doing, it takes her mind off of everything.

Seeing Henry be happy makes all of the difference to her when he’s been having a really difficult time. Dr. Hopper tells her that he’s handling everything as well as can be expected, and she has to take comfort in that. Dr. Lawrence says the same thing about her, and yet it’s still harder for her to accept that.

“You’re a regular star chef,” she tells Henry, wiping a bit of icing off of his face.

“I am pretty good, aren’t I?”

“Fantastic. I think your sister’s going to love this cake even more because you made it.”

“She’s a baby, Momma. She doesn’t care.”

“But she loves you,” Emma promises, pulling him into her side and pressing a smacking kiss into his forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Can I go outside now?”

“Of course, kid. Let me get some sunblock on you, though.”

“Mom,” he groans, resting his head against the countertop in despair. “I don’t need it.”

“Yes, you do, lad,” Killian adds in. “Unless you want to end up all shriveled and wrinkly like a raisin.”

“I like raisins.”

Killian rolls his eyes before winking at her. “You’re wearing sunscreen. Let’s go.”

The baby monitor goes off to show that there’s movement in the nursery, and she opens up the app on her phone to see Ada propping herself up on the crib grabbing at her mobile to reach for the little red crabs. She’s cried so much more than any human being should cry recently, and even though she knows she’s going to be emotional over her kid turning one, over the memories of that day nearly three hundred and sixty five days ago, it’s a good kind of emotional. She’s here and alive and healthy as can be.

She and Killian did a good job when it comes to that chubby-legged menace even if one day she’s going to turn on them and try to get out of having to wear sunscreen.

Among other things.

After spending the rest of her day with her family, keeping things as normal as possible, she has a restless sleep, constantly tossing and turning around on the mattress. At one point, Killian tugs her into his front and wraps his arm around her middle while sticking his legs between hers, and she knows it’s because she’s driving him crazy with her basically running a marathon while in bed. It helps to feel his solid warmth behind her, but when Killian falls back asleep, his grip on her relents and she keeps moving. In the morning, she knows that she’d eventually fallen asleep because of the way she jerks when the alarm goes off, and even though she needs more rest, she immediately gets up and takes a shower, readying herself as if she was getting ready for her daughter’s first birthday party this afternoon.

Once she’s dressed, eyeliner applied to her eyes and her natural waves curled a little more, she quietly pads down the hallway and into the nursery to see Ada. She’s still asleep, her lips curved into a serene smile, and all Emma can do is lean down and press her lips to Ada’s forehead once more before she walks down the hallway only to find Killian standing against their bedroom door with his hair sticking up in several different directions and his arms crossed over his chest, one brow raised on his forehead.

“Did you really think you were going to slip out without me knowing?”

“I was coming back to tell you I’m leaving.” He nods his head, and she steps into his space, placing her hands against his chest so that she can feel the beating of his heart as she looks up at his tired eyes. “I’m going to be back before two, and we’re going to go on with our day like nothing out of the ordinary happened.”

“You’re going to talk to Neal in prison. That’s not ordinary.”

“I need answers, Killian. He may not give them to me, but I have to ask. I deserve to know.”

“I can still come with you. Ruth can watch the kids.”

“I still think I want to do this on my own, but thank you.” She presses up on her toes and slowly slides her lips over his in a gentle caress. “I love you, and I’ll text you when I get there and when I leave, okay?”

“Alright. I love you too.”

She studies Killian’s face for a moment more, making sure that he’s okay, before patting his chest and stepping away so that she can go downstairs. For as weirdly calm as she is, she doesn’t want to risk anything by putting too much on her stomach or drinking enough caffeine to make her jittery, so she simply grabs a water bottle and her keys before leaving the house. It’s an hour and a half drive to New Hampshire, and despite her running into a bit of early morning traffic, she makes good time.

Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing, she doesn’t know, but she’s in the prison’s parking lot thirty minutes before visitors are allowed in.

There’s something she never thought she’d think.

She texts Killian that she’s here, and leaves her phone in the car before going inside and going through security after filling out all of the paperwork. It’s insane, but being here makes her feel better than she did last night. Worrying makes the reality worse before reality even gets a chance to happen, but that’s never stopped her from tossing and turning at night.

Obviously.

When she’s told that she can go inside the room, she takes a deep breath to settle the still nervous set of her stomach and finds herself settling down onto one of the center tables while the other people fill in the spots around her. A ringer goes off, a harsh buzz surrounding her, and her head turns to the side as a sliding door opens and several men in gray jumpsuits walk out. She doesn’t recognize any of them, wouldn’t expect herself to, and for a moment she thinks that Neal isn’t going to come and talk to her until he rounds the corner and enters the room after a guard.

It’s…she doesn’t like seeing him like this. He was wrong, is a criminal who hurt a lot of people even if he wasn’t actively hurting them, and he hurt her in a way that’s permanently going to affect her, as well as Henry. She’s so undeniably pissed and broken, but there are still good memories of him buried not too deeply in her brain.

She’s a mess.

Unlike a lot of other people in the room, she doesn’t get up to hug him. Instead she stays sitting and nods while he cautiously slides onto the bench in front of her with his unshaved beard and unruly hair.

“Never thought I’d see you,” he greets, curving the right side of his lips into a smile that she doesn’t return.

“Surely you didn’t think that I was never going to come.”

“Didn’t think you cared about me anymore.”

“Whether I like it or not, Neal, a part of me will always care about you,” she admits, leaning forward and placing her joined hands on the table. “How are you doing?”

“It’s not the first time I’ve been in captivity, and honestly, this is a hell of a lot nicer than the first time.”

He’s trying to joke, probably to cut away some of the tension between them, but to her, all it does it make it grow.

“Why’d you do it?” she blurts out, figuring that she may as well get straight down to why she’s here. She’s got other things to do today, and if she’s not going to get her answers, she doesn’t want to wait.

He shrugs on the other side of the table, the wood dividing them in more ways than one. It’s still so surreal that this is happening. In all of her wildest dreams (nightmares), this was never one of them. There was never one even similar to this. This is…this is the absolute last place she ever expected to find Neal.

“I wasn’t always a bad guy, Ems.”

She flinches at that, but she also knows that it’s true. He wasn’t. He’s never been the best man in the world, but she loved him. She loved him before he died and she loved him in a way when he came back and got to be a part of their lives, even if it caused them all problems for a little while. But he was alive, he was here, and she was happy to have him home.

But that was then. She isn’t any longer.

“No, you weren’t,” she agrees, giving him a soft smile even if her heart feels hardened over it all, the smile more forced than anything. “But you abandoned me, Neal. You abandoned your son. A part of me doesn’t even care about all of the arms trafficking, which, holy shit is that fucked up on so many levels, but you left us. You told me over and over again that you loved me, and you left us. Why?”

His shoulders sag, his back falling toward the open air instead of leaning forward. She honestly didn’t expect him to talk to her at all, but she needed to know answers. She can’t live without them again when she’s already spent so much of her life that way when it comes to her birth parents and the eight years that Neal was gone. She deserves more, always has, and one day when Henry is older and can understand all of this, he deserves more too.

“I really was captured,” he starts, drumming his fingers on the table so that she focuses on his fingers instead of his face. “That part is true, Ems, you have to believe me. I was captured and tortured and beaten, and even though I was a shitty husband to you at the end, I did think about you and Henry to get me through it all. But then my dad – he made a deal to get me out, and I had the opportunity to come home to you guys. I was going to, but I…After everything that happened, I just needed a fresh start. I could have everything, all the things I couldn’t have at home by staying and working with my dad. I could have freedom and money and – ”

“Women who didn’t have abandonment issues and a newborn baby.”

“Ems.”

“Please don’t call me that.”

His lips part before snapping shut again, a subtle nod of his head. It’s almost like he’s accepted what’s happening, that he’s not going to deny it, and of everything, that shocks her most of all.

Asshole.

“What do you want?” he finally says.

“The truth.”

“It’s not simple.”

“I just want to know, Neal. I get it. You’re selfish. You wanted a new life where Henry and I weren’t going to hold you back, and your apparently alive father helped you out with that because he freaking had contacts with actual terrorists. I don’t – you don’t need to break my heart again by telling me that you abandoned me and lied to me when you knew I had issues with that. But I do need to know why you came back. And damn it, if you have any decency at all, I need you to tell me about all of that so I can stop wondering.”

His jaw ticks, but he nods his head anyways and she feels such apprehension but mostly relief that she gets to know.

“My dad and I had a plan. We knew if I came back home and everyone thought I’d survived for nearly a decade under captivity, I’d be hailed as some kind of American hero. It’s why I did the interview, why I continuously sought out the attention. I wanted people to know my name because our goal was Congress.”

Congress, she thinks. Why would his goal be Congress? How would that…

“You bastard. That’s why took the job in the State Department. That’s why you were so insistent on moving back to DC even though we had a life in Portland. What was the plan? Schmooze politicians and try to change laws for some kind of way to make your dad’s business bigger?”

He shrugs again, and she knows that she’s right. “That’s the gist of it, but me working at the State Department was a bit of a roadblock. I – I didn’t know that you were with Killian. I checked to see if you had remarried, but since you guys aren’t married, there was no record. I didn’t think to check for kids. I didn’t…I figured you hadn’t moved on from me, so I came back. We were going to be reunited, and it was going to be this big thing where our family made us this kind of all American dream that helped propel me more toward a role in Congress so I could make contacts in the government and help ease our sales.”

“You don’t need to sugarcoat it. You haven’t with anything else. Bribes. That’s what easing sales means, right? And what, you thought that I was sitting around waiting for you for a decade? How self centered are you?”

“I missed you.”

“Bullshit.”

“I did.”

“You left me, Neal,” she yells, making everyone in the room look at her before she quiets her voice. “There is no changing that. You abandoned your family, and I mourned you every day of those eight years. But I also grew the hell up, realized how shitty you treated me, and I allowed myself to find happiness again. Happiness that you didn’t seem to care about and yet suddenly resented when you found out I had it with someone else. And now you’re telling me that you were going to use me? You were going to use us to paint this pretty portrait to further your business and to seriously fuck up an already fucked up system? That’s – that’s…you’re a dick. I can’t even believe any of that, and yet I can. After all of this I can. I mean, God, you don’t even care about me or Henry, and yet you pulled all of that shit about how you are Henry’s dad and Killian isn’t. You tried to poison that kid against the man who raised him out of some petty jealousy, and I…did you ever even love me?”

She doesn’t know how she got that question, not really, but deep down it’s been blazing its way to the surface, breaking its way through every other muddled thought that she’s been pushing down.

She’s not even sure if she wants to know the answer.

“I’ve always loved you even if I didn’t know how to show it. I’m a selfish man, Emma. I always have been. My father is too, and it’s the only thing I ever knew growing up. I guess I couldn’t help myself. But yeah, I fucked up. I fucked it all up, and none of it worked. I’m…I guess I’m sorry that I dragged you all into this, but you were never supposed to find out about my dad or that I hadn’t been in captivity the entire time. It was part of why I was distancing myself from you guys. Yes, it was to go along with the plan, but I also didn’t want Henry to get hurt. And I guess I let myself have feelings for you again, and I was pissed that I couldn’t have you and couldn’t have the relationship Henry has with Killian.”

“That’s your own damned fault.”

“Don’t you think I know that?”

“I don’t think you know anything about what it’s like to have a family.”

“That’s rich coming from you.”

She laughs, one of those dark laughs that makes her own skin crawl, and while she’s trying to contain herself, she rubs the heels of her hands just below her eyes. When her chest has stopped heaving, the rage calming itself for a minute, she looks directly into the eyes of the man who she once loved more than anyone in the world.

“I know more about family than you ever have, and I may screw up a hell of a lot, but I would never abandon the people I love for some money and the ability to fuck around. I would never abandon them for anything.” Emma presses her lips together before standing from the bench and leaning forward on the table. “You know, all that time that you were gone I wished you were alive, but now, I wish you were dead.”

With that, she gets up and walks from the room. He doesn’t deserve more of her time, and she doesn’t need anything else from him.

Walking out of the gates of the prison and loading up into her car is exhilarating, and as she drives down the open highway with music blaring through the speakers, she feels free. She hadn’t realized that she felt trapped until now, but the shackles that have been holding her down are no longer binding. She knows that this is all something that’s going to stay with her for the rest of her life, but that doesn’t have to stop her from living.

When she gets home, she quickly parks in the garage and steps through the door into the kitchen. There’s a spread of finger foods on the island that makes it look like it’s a Saturday and Killian is having his friends over to watch a soccer match with Henry excitedly following him around wearing whatever jersey he’s decided on today, and she smiles a little as she picks up a carrot and dips it into the sauce that’s in a bowl. Killian took the day off of work today so she could go see Neal and so they could have everybody over this afternoon for Ada’s party.

“Babe,” she calls out, grabbing another carrot and walking to the living room where she finds Killian laid out on the couch with his arms crossed over his chest and Ada sleeping in just her diaper on top of him. “Kid,” she asks Henry as he sits quietly reading his book in the arm chair, “why in the world is your daddy asleep?”

“He said that hosting people is exhausting, and he needed to nap with Ada.”

She hums in acknowledgement and walks over to Henry, shimmying down to sit in the chair next to him and wrapping her arm around his shoulder. “What have you guys been doing all day?”

“Getting ready for Ada’s party. I wanted to see if I could catch real ladybugs outside, but Dad said I couldn’t put them into the food.”

“Gross.”

“No, cool.”

“We’re not eating bugs.”

“But what’s the point of having a ladybug party if there are no bugs?”

“Because it’s cute, and it’s our nickname for Ada. But for your birthday, if you want to have a bug themed party, we’ll have lots of bugs…just outside, okay?”

“I think I want to go out on a boat for my party.”

“We should definitely do that,” Killian pipes in, sitting up on the couch and sliding Ada down onto his lap.

“Oh look, Henry, you said the magic words to wake your dad up.”

“Ha ha,” Killian mocks, rolling his eyes before he rubs the sleep out of them. “When’d you get home, love?”

“About three minutes ago. I’ll tell you about everything later, but I think right now we have to go get my bug dressed for her party.”

“What? The diaper look doesn’t work for you?”

“Only when we’re eating the cake.”

Emma takes Ada from Killian and walks her upstairs to change her diaper and get her dressed in the romper Emma has for her. It’s a hassle, but she gets the headband on her too, brushing back her slight curls as she tells Ada the story of the day she was born. She does the same thing with Henry, even if she has to embellish the details, and she takes the time to appreciate that Ada can’t complain about Emma getting all sentimental as she talks about that painful, magical day. Ada will hate hearing about one day, but it’ll forever be one of the best days of Emma’s life.

Her mom, David, Mary Margaret, and Leo show up an hour later, Ruby, Robin, and Roland following behind them as well as a few of Henry’s friends from school that she told him he could invite. Everyone is aware of what’s been happening lately, most of them intimately so, but none of them mention it as they laugh and talk and have the carefree time that she’s wanted for today. Ada loves all of the attention, really hams it up for everybody, and she laughs at her continuously trying to steal everybody’s food even if Henry is the one actually swiping food.

But eventually it’s time for Ada to finally get to smash into her birthday cake – because what better idea is there than giving a child that much sugar – and she, Killian, and Henry crowd around Ada’s high chair so that Mary Margaret can take a picture of the four of them before Killian lights the candle and they all sing. For the briefest of moments, she looks over to Killian, and he winks in return before threading his fingers through hers.

When the song is over, everyone claps, Ada moving her hands along with them, and Emma leans down to blow out the candle for Ada, extinguishing the light on the completion of one year and signaling the beginning of a new one.

#rising from the ashes #cs fic #cs ff #captain swan fic #captain swan

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grandmasterofwangxiancultivation · 6 years

Text

SV ch.59

i am finally finding a bit of time to sit in front of my pc and read this freaking chpater, you’ve been teasing me, but i’m ready now sovjoirjgw

After a pause, he continued, “Those two people from just then aren’t easy to deal with. Even if Shizun doesn’t want to stay at my place, I still hope that you will not go with them.”

i love when lbh tries to act cool but the only thing his mind thinks about is protect shizun protect shizunifjirjfisdofw

EDIT: sooooooooo... lbh doesn’t know that’s his father? wow okay

EDIT 2: okay okay wait my heart toppled over in, like, five lines!!!! shizun is feeling feelings for lbh that make him wanna help, so he tries, but light goes out and lbh just crashed over him IS THIS A SHOUJO MANGA? lbh you are too much for my little maiden heart to handle

EDIT 3: i’ve been thinking about it and i was rightx that rain was toxic!!! and lbh PROTECTED HIS SHIZUN WITH HIS BODY!!!!! THIS IS MORE THAN LOVE, THIS IS PURE DEVOTION, OMGGGGGGG, NOW SHIZUN’S HEART RESEMBLES THAT OF A MAIDEN, BAAAAAAABE

EDIT 4:

Shen Qingqiu reached out a hand and touched him. His forehead and cheeks were both scalding hot like he had a fever. But there was no way that the concept of a ‘fever’ would exist in Luo Binghe’s body.

SHIZUN IS TOUCHING IS FACE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

also, A FEVER??? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BABY?

EDIT 5: shizun is touching lbh all over soijvsopkefpowfk

Shen Qingqiu placed a hand behind Luo Binghe’s head and massaged the area that had just knocked against the wall.

“Binghe, can you hear me?”

THIS IS SO SOFT OMG i need them cuddling together snfowjef

EDIT 6: shizun thinking about how many hardships lbh suffered to get there and my heart just warms in front of it ‘cause really, i love lbh so much i can’t even begin to cry, i just hug myself and pray for a lbh in my life-

EDIT 7: SHIZUN FIGHTS AND PROTECT LBH AT THE SAME TIME

*breathes in, breathes out*

i feel like... like he sees him a bit like his disciple again, it makes me feel so freaking emotional omg.

EDIT 8:

He originally wanted to stuff Luo Binghe inside a different coffin, but he didn’t have time for that anymore. Hugging Luo Binghe tightly, Shen Qingqiu flipped the two of them over and they tumbled simultaneously into a stone coffin.

(I AM SORRY WHAT

THEY ARE LAYING IN A COFFIN TOGETHER?!?!? SQQ IS H U G G I N G LBH GUYS OKAY I NOW IT’S FOR PRACTICAL PURPOSE BUT THEY ARE HUGGINGGGGGGGGG

IS THIS MXTX’S IDEA OF A ROMATIC TIME??? WHAT’S NEXT, A DATE IN A GRAVEYARD?!?!?!? BLESS THIS I AM IN LOVE)

Luo Binghe was on top, Shen Qingqiu on the bottom.

(ptf. as if we needed you to confirm that, shizun-)

EDIT 9:

Shen Qingqiu remained calm, lying on his back. Luo Binghe pressed down on top of him, face-down, his head buried in the hollow of Shen Qingqiu’s shoulder. The heat spread onto Shen Qingqiu’s neck, so hot that it was uncomfortable. Even he felt uncomfortable, so Luo Binghe must naturally be even more uncomfortable.

i mean, i know. okay? i know. they are running away from strange candle-like things and hiding in a coffin and there is no need to get all excited because LBH IS LAYING ON TOP OF SHIZUN OMFG OMG OMG yup, no need whatsoever to become so giddy and happy and laugh like an idiot

LBH’S HEAD IN THE HOLLOW OF SQQ’S SHOULDER, my head tells me that’s cuddling enough-

EDIT 10: lbh’s mark on his forehead is flashing, i dunno, this make me laugh so much-

EDIT 11:

He couldn’t free his hand to cover that disastrous mark. He subconsciously turned his head abruptly and pressed his lips against Luo Binghe’s bright and clean forehead.

It actually looked sort of like he was kissing Luo Binghe’s forehead.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH OMG OMG OMG OMG OKAY SQQ’S LIPS TOUCHED LBH, THIS IS NOT A DRILL, IT’S HAPPENING, WHO CARE HOW AND WHY, THAT’S A KISS.... SORT OF... BUT... SDKFJWPOFOPWE

WHAT IS THIS CHAPTER DOING, SQQ FUMBLING AROUND WITH LBH’S BODY LIKE THIS WITH THE EXCUSE OF HAVING TO RUN AWAY I AM DOOMED

EDIT 12:

As its hand moved lower and lower, Shen Qingqiu grew tenser and tenser. It was about to touch Luo Binghe’s back when Shen Qingqiu gritted his teeth and extracted his right hand, which had almost gone numb, and pressed down on an area of Luo Binghe’s back that was still fairly intact.

With this push, Luo Binghe’s upper half pressed completely against him. Originally, there was still a small space between them, but now the two of them were basically one person, chest against chest, stomach against stomach.

(OKAY. I AM GONNA FAINT. THERE IS NO AIR OR SPACE BETWEEN THEIR BODIES.

OMG

*breathes irregularly* no, i really wanna see what sqq will tell himself about this. i am very curious.)

The stomach should naturally be the human body’s softest area, but Luo Binghe’s abdomen jabbed terribly hard into Shen Qingqiu’s. The more he pressed down, the more he was convinced that Luo Binghe definitely had an eight pack. It was hard enough to kill someone.

(I AM LAUGHING SO HARD I CAN’T EVEN BREATH, ABS THAT KILL PEOPLE???? ARE YOU GETTING EXCITED ABOUT THOSE ABS, SHIZUN? WHAT A STRANGE THING TO NOTICE AT SUCH A TIME, DON’T YOU THINK.)

EDIT 13:

When Shen Qingqiu saw that it was about to touch Luo Binghe’s calf, he hardened his heart and parted his legs, allowing Luo Binghe’s left leg to land between his.

*SCREAMS SILENTLY*

IS MXTX LISTENING TO MY PRAYERS, MY IMAGINATION OR ANYTHING? IS THIS A GIFT?

LET LBH WAKE UP.

LET HIM WAKE UP RIGHT NOW I AM BEGGING EVERY GOD IN THE UNIVERSE FOR THIS

EDIT 14:

Their position right now was truly too unseemly. If someone poked their head over and saw them, they would think that Shen Qingqiu was someone burning with desire for sure, holding onto Luo Binghe firmly without any intention of letting go like he was doing all he could to squeeze him into his embrace.

how is it that you don’t sound so troubled by it, shizun-

EDIT 15: there it is, another demon character ready to have tea with the main one. this uncomfy/calm atmosphere in the worst situations is one of the things i love the most about mxtx’s novels

EDIT 16: who did you say is on the brink of death from serios illness. who. I DARE YOU TO REPEAT IT, BUT BEFORE THAT JUST WAKE LBH UP AND SHOW US EVERYTHING IS FINE OMG

EDIT 17:

The Dream Demon rambled, “Serves this brat right. In the past five years, he wastes his energy summoning the soul all day long and recklessly slaughters his own creations in his dreamscape at night. I’ve long since instructed him that doing so would be the same thing as destroying his own primordial spirit. Sooner or later, this day would come. In order to preserve your flesh Seed body during these past few days, he wasted his spiritual energy, and that demon sword was just waiting for an opportunity to revolt. What’s more, he forcefully broke into the Holy Mausoleum, and faced off directly against the most gifted descendant that the demon race has seen for generations.”

Shen Qingqiu gripped Xiu Ya sword so tightly that it hurt. He looked back at Luo Binghe, who was lying unconscious in the coffin, and said, “… Elder has no way of awakening him either?”

I AM CRYING LBH WENT THROUGH SO MUCH FOR HIS SHIZUN AND I AM SO HAPPY THAT SHIZUN IS HEARING ABOUT THIS RN I HOPE THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND IMPROVE THE WAY SHIZUN SEES LBH

MY BABE, LOOK WHAT HE DID JUST TO BE WITH HIS SHIZUN AGAIN OSJFOPWKFW

EDIT 18:

Shen Qingqiu opened his eyes and sighed. “But right now, besides me, his Shizun, who else can protect━or should I say, will protect Luo Binghe?”

(BESIDE ME, HIS SHIZUN, HUYS I SWEAR MY HEART JUST BURST OUT OF MY CHEST AND WENT TO THE HIGHTEST SKYSCRAPER IN THE WORLD TO JUMP DOWN BECAUSE THAT’LL ACTUALLY HURT LESS THAN THIS -and it hurts so good omg-)

Chaotic emotions came thick and fast. Shen Qingqiu’s thoughts were in turmoil, but he was very clear about one thing: no matter what, he couldn’t leave Luo Binghe to die here.

The Dream Demon said coldly, “After so many years, you’re finally willing to acknowledge once more that this brat is your disciple and that you are his Shizun?”

Shen Qingqiu: “It has indeed been a very long time.”

(IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS I CANNOT EVEN EXPLAIN I AM SOBBING SO HARD)

He was still waiting for the Dream Demon to continue ridiculing him mysteriously, but that old man suddenly gave a sigh. He said, “If this brat could wake up and hear what you just said, I wonder how happy he would be.”

(EVEN HIS MASTER-DEMON KNOWS!!! this is truly perfect)

EDIT 19:

Shen Qingqiu’s face was full of black lines. What did he mean, “if he could wake up”? This kind of uncertain-about-life-or-death tone just made him even more uneasy, okay!

look at sqq being scared and fearing for his cutie’s health.

like- who told you to do this to my heart? who?

EDIT 20:

The Dream Demon’s anger suddenly surged up, and he shouted loudly, “I’m clearly this brat’s Shifu, how many things have I taught him?! Ah?! The ability to know everything under the sky, the method to control people’s hearts! But he refuses to call me Shifu; all he ever says is ‘Elder,’ ‘Elder’! You’re just some average cultivator that taught him a few superficial fighting moves and one or two coarse mental cultivation methods, yet he chases after you crying and calling for Shizun! It’s infuriating!”

YES YES YES GIVE US MORE PROOF OF LBH’S DEVOTION, LET SHIZUN HEAR, THIS IS TOO GOOD, TOO BEAUTIFUL, THIS IS ALL WE NEED AND MORE AOJFSPOAèAPFJK

EDIT 21:

He was about to fight back when the Dream Demon started to walk back and forth across the coffin, hands behind his back, saying with agitation, “If I had secretly eliminated you back then in the dreamscape, this kind of incident wouldn’t have happened today. This brat was originally a talent with great prospects ahead of him, but the moment he met you he became this good-for-nothing that only makes people angry. He stubbornly continues to put on an act in front of you too, pretending not to feel anything! If it were up to me, he should either just kill you or do you. Putting up such a fuss, wavering in between━it really makes someone mad when they see it!!”

I LOVE MASTER-DEMON EVERY SENTENCE MORE. THANK YOU. ‘cause if it weren’t for scenes like this, sqq would just conveniently keep to ignore the truth, which is a big N O P E.

lbh loves his shizun so much, that he stubbornly continues to put on an act in front of you too, pretending not to feel anything totally killed me and i don’t know if i’ll have the strength to read the rest of this novel without crying and wanting to hug lbh and just push these two together PLS-

EDIT 22:

Thank heavens, that bothersome old Dream Demon spirit finally agreed to let him go. Shen Qingqiu was about to sit up in a single movement when his right leg suddenly seemed to brush against something that poked stiffly into his inner thigh.

(NO. YES YES YES YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME OMG-)

Shen Qingqiu thought it was a sword hilt at first and absent-mindedly stretched out a hand to go push it aside. He had just touched it when the System’s announcement suddenly exploded:

【YOOOOOOO~~Cool points +1000┏(┏^q^)┓~ Congratulations for obtaining the achievement “Physical Relationship Development”!!!】

(AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH SHIZUN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, HOW HARD MUST LBH BE FOR YOU TO EXCHANGE THAT FOR THE HILT OF A SWORD I AM DYING HELP I CAN’T FEEL MY LUNGS FUNCTIONING CORRECTLY ANYMORE-)

EDIT 23: HE CALLED IT SKY PILLAR I CAN FEEL DEATH DESCEND UPON ME MY LUNGS STOPPED WORKING

also, he doesn’t know what to do and if he should help or just leave everything as if he didn’t notice it and you’re telling me I NEED TO WAIT NEXT CHAPTER TO FIND OUT!?!?!?!??!?

#the scum villain’s self-saving system #scum villain #scum villain’s self saving system #sv #svsss #sv novel #sv ch.58 #sv fangirling mode

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yeoldontknow · 7 years

Text

Cover Me

Author’s Note: happy birthday @yeolology <3 im just managing to sneak this one in for you <3 in your time zone, it is no longer you birthday but when you wake we will continue the celebration <3 welcome back to chanvember everyone!! enjoy more fluff that i am not used to writing! Pairing: Chanyeol x Reader (oc; female) Summary: On your birthday, you search frantically for your boyfriend’s hoodie only to find it is no longer there. Genre: fluff; romance Rating: PG Warning: minor swearing Word Count: 1,841

Technically, the hoodie is his.

His money paid for it, his hands chose it, loved it, without you in mind - years before he met you, and still suiting his taste even after you decided you liked it, too. Technically, it was never something you could rightfully call yours. Even though you wore it, even though you kept it, even though you imagined it was his body and his skin that kept you warm, breathing the scent of his cologne deep into your lungs while you wrapped yourself in the soft fabric, it still belonged to him.

Technically, these are technicalities, semantics. In the end, they mean nothing when it comes to true ownership, true devotion to a thing. His hands offered it to you first, lips pulled into a smile every time he saw it hanging low on your thighs. Mutually, it was decided that you would keep it, appropriating it to meet your needs: a sweater, a pillow, a comfort blanket, a cloth for your tears of frustration. It became him, amorphous and black and, therefore, able to be whatever you decided it could be.

And now, when you needed it, him, most, it was not here.

It’s not that your birthday is bad - far from it, it’s just that, without Chanyeol to turn every moment into something exciting, the moments in your day simply become pleasant somethings. Generic, pleasing things that fade without truly leaving a mark or imprint upon your soul.

Hugs from your family, cards from friends, the notion that tonight you will be taken to dinner and allowed to order all your favourites, these feel warm and sweet, like honey, delicate and wonderful. But, without Chanyeol’s touch or gregarious laugh, they fade almost instantly into your long term memory.

Without Chanyeol, you imagine a future version of yourself will look back on this with a furrowed brow and your tongue tucked behind your teeth, concentrating almost too hard to bring the memory back to life. In the end, all you will be left with is a summation of happiness, nice thoughts and dull colours. The notion that, I cannot remember anything terrible, so therefore everything was fine.

In the morning, you’d woken to a series of texts each more enthusiastic than the last.

Yeollie[4:12 AM]: ITS YOUR BRITHDAY Yeollie[4:13 AM] - Message sent with Confetti: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeollie[4:13 AM]: HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY Yeollie[4:15 AM]: i missed midnight Yeollie[4:15 AM]: im the worst boyfriend Yeollie[4:16 AM]: forgive me? Yeollie[4:17 AM]: i want you to wake up knowing i love you Yeollie[4:18 AM]: youre annoying but youre still perfect Yeollie[4:18 AM]: reading week was only last month but i already miss you Yeollie[4:19 AM]: i miss your knees and how they bump me in bed Yeollie[4:20 AM]: and how your showers take too long Yeollie[4:21 AM]: and how soft you are Yeollie[4:22 AM]: its your birthday and i love you Yeollie[4:23 AM]: ill call later today Yeollie[4:24 AM]: ill go back to sleep now Yeollie[4:25 AM]: MAYBE WE CAN MEET IN DREAMS!!!!!!

Waking to these felt like a paradox. At one moment, you wooned into your pillow, hands still stiff from sleep and unable to type a reply. Laughter spilled from your chest and into your pillow, eyes squeezed tightly shut as your smile started to border on painful. Every text was read in his voice, loud and demanding your full attention, rich and luxurious, and settling over your skin like feathers. Each word was chosen carefully for you, delivered with its full intent and said because they came naturally, because they were the only words he could fathom alongside you.

But hearing them in his voice meant accepting the cold understanding he was not there, imagination bringing forth the noise and the warmth of him against your skin. With your eyes closed, it was his voice in your ear as he spoke and his arm draped over your waist to hold you to his chest. You heard and felt these things with cruel tangibility while you basked the blackness of your mind, and opening them meant separating yourself from his adoring touch.

And so because your morning had started with him, because your birthday made little sense without him here to share it, you craved the fantasy of the hoodie, the easy way it made you believe he was near. Tearing through your room, it soon became apparent it was missing, neither in your closet nor in your laundry. And as you continued to search, you realized you hadn’t seen it in far too long.

With a final glance around your room, undesired clothing strewn across your bed and chair and floor, you sigh at the mess and pull out your phone, defeated.

Y/N[12:31 PM]: yeol wheres my hoodie? Y/N[12:31 PM]: :( :( :( Yeollie[12:36 PM]: which one? Y/N[12:37 PM]: the black one Yeollie[12:38 PM]: you have a lot of black ones tbf Y/N[12:39 PM]: you know which one i mean!!!! Yeollie[12:40 PM]: when was the last time you saw it Y/N[12:41 PM]: last time you were on break Yeollie[12:42 PM]: a month ago? Yeollie[12:42 PM]: how would i know where it is now?? Y/N[12:44 PM]: IDK! Y/N[12:45 PM]: maybe you took it Y/N[12:46 PM]: did you take it? Y/N[12:46 PM]: istg if you took it Yeollie[12:48 PM]: is it taking it if it was originally mine Y/N[12:48 PM]: chanyeol. Yeollie sent a Photo Y/N[12:49 PM]: CHANYEOL Yeollie[12:50 PM]: WHAT Y/N[12:51 PM]: T____________T Yeollie[12:52 PM]: it smelled like you! Y/N[12:52 PM]: THAT DOESNT MEANT YOU CAN TAKE IT Yeollie[12:52 PM]: ITS THE BEST PILLOW I OWN Y/N[12:53 PM]: YEAH BUT Y/N[12:53 PM]: LITERALLY Y/N[12:54 PM]: SAME Yeollie[12:55 PM]: it smells like your shampoo Yeollie[12:56 PM]: like youre with me just after a shower Y/N[12:57 PM]: ok but Y/N[12:57 PM]: now i have nothing to wear today Yeollie[12:58 PM]: you have…. Yeollie[12:58 PM]: clothes Y/N[12:59 PM]: omfg Y/N[12:59 PM]: im so mad Yeollie[1:01 PM]: don't be mad Yeollie[1:03 PM]: i love you so much Y/N[1:04 PM]: youre holding my soul hostage Yeollie[1:05 PM]: id rather hold your heart Y/N[1:05 PM]: FUCK RIGHT OFF LMAO Y/N[1:06 PM]: stop being cute Yeollie[1:07 PM]: no Yeollie[1:07 PM]: go outside Y/N[1:08 PM]: why Yeollie[1:09 PM]: just do it Y/N[1:09 PM]: what did you do

Excitement makes your fingers start to tremble; confusion molds your brow into something hard and quizzical. It takes a mighty effort, controlling your synapses and keeping your heartbeat steady. He couldn’t and he wouldn’t run through your mind a speed that takes a second to process their motions, body hesitant and apprehensive. Part of you feels as though you’ve swallowed your tongue, mouth suddenly dry and muscles turned to stone, wary of disappointment.

While it is not entirely out of the realm of possibility he would drive the many hours to see you, it’s also wholly like him to orchestrate something extravagant even when he is not here to experience it with you. And while you will be grateful for whatever lies in your driveway, the lack of his physical presence will hurt deep and down into the wetness of your blood.

So you brace yourself, close your eyes and wait for the shallow inhales of your lungs to become deep and languid.

As if pressing you for action, your phone buzzes in your palm.

Yeollie[1:14 PM]: stop overthinking and go outside

A great tidal wave of emotion consumes you, tears welling in your eyes as you move through your house and out to your drive.

Of course he would. Of course he would.

He runs to you the moment you throw the door open, long limbs stumbling and struggling to carry his tall gait. Chanyeol is a large blur of white teeth and pink ears, hair tucked beneath a black snapback.

It happens quickly, the arms around your waist and the scent of him consuming you. Beneath your ear, his heart thunders, excited and fraught with emotion - much like yours. Around you he is firm, grip on you tight and breath cascading into your hair, warming you and soothing you, both acting as though the height difference does not exist.

‘Happy birthday,’ he murmurs as his fingers press into your back, steadying himself as much as you. ‘You really thought I’d miss this?’

The wetness on your cheeks is hot, tears gently seeping into your pores without your permission. This is not like you. You are not one for emotional displays, but the relief you feel reaches down to your toes. Bewildered, it takes you a moment to answer, mind caught in a fog of realizing that love and loving are two different things; that you love your family, but loving Chanyeol means days are only special because he is there to make them so.

‘How the hell would I have known?’ you laugh, pressing your nose into his sternum. Your skin recognizes the fabric and, on instinct, you cling to him a little tighter.

Chanyeol scoffs in mock offense. ‘Yee of little faith.’

‘You were here last month. It’s such a long drive.’ On instinct, you take a step back to pull away to peer up at him, wanting to search his face and find all the pieces of joy he keeps tucked into his cheek bones. But he holds you too him, unyielding and unwilling to let you depart from him so soon.

‘You’re more important than the gas,’ he reasons, softly.

‘The gas is expensive.’

‘And you aren’t,’ he teases quickly, and you can hear his smile. Against your best wishes, you smile with him.

‘Ass,’ you laugh. ‘When did you take that picture?’

He laughs, deep and rich, the sound vibrating down in your bones. ‘A few weeks ago. Waited for you to wonder where it went but you never asked.’

Comfortable silence settles between you, time slipping by in unmeasured moments. Chanyeol’s touch warms your skin, raises goosebumps of affect and only when he shivers slightly to realize the air has taken on a chill.

‘We should go inside,’ you sight.

Against the crown of your head, he nods.

‘I brought the hoodie home,’ he says, sounding content.

‘That’s okay,’ you whisper, raising onto your tiptoes to kiss his cheek. ‘You can keep it for now.’

At this, he pulls back to regard you with surprise.

‘For now,’ you smile, ‘I just want you.’

#chanyeol x reader #chanyeol fluff #kwriterskollection #kpoptrashtag #noonanet #chanyeol au #chanyeol fanfic #chanyeol scenario #chanyeol fanfiction #exo au #exo fluff #exo scenario #exo fanfic #exo fanficiton #park chanyeol

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ure-gonna-loveme-when-u-seeme · 7 years

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I got tagged by @classictownshend hey thank you :)

Rules: Answer the 92 statements and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. Drink: coffee with milk

2. Phone call: no idea...

3. Text message: a friend showing her a shampoo we’ve been talking about

4. Song: “Surfing with a spoon”, Midnight Oil

5. Time you cried: last saturday, during jiujitsu class, someone made me roll over my neck and I felt like it was about to break. I did not cry for all to see, but I was scared and my eyes filled with tears haha i think i cried deep inside

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: maybe, i am not sure if it would count

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: my second bf

8. Been cheated on: i am sure I was, but never knew

9. Lost someone special: yes

10. Been depressed: maybe, but depression is a too serious thing to call it. I can say I did had some down moments in life

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: yes. this is why i can’t bear the smell of champagne today 🤢

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. red

13. black

14. royal blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yes

16. Fallen out of love: no

17. Laughed until you cried: haha yes

18. Found out someone was talking about you: no

19. Met someone who changed you: not last year, but this year yes

20. Found out who your friends are: no they are still the same

21. Kissed someone on you Facebook list: in fact yes, but i regret too

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life?: 99,9%. I do not add people I don’t know or at least have some direct contact, even virtually

23. Do you have any pets?: yes, 1 cat 2 dogs

24. Do you want to change your name?: no, i am lazy to put a name on my cat, imagine having to change mine.. what a responsibility!

25. What did you do for your last birthday?: had a normal day, with an exam at uni and such. but my jiujitsu mates did a corridor to beat me with their belts (martial arts tradition). haah it hurts but it was really fun! tender big huge guys❤️

26. What time did you wake up?: 6:00

27. What were you doing at midnight last night?: sleeping

28. Name something you can’t wait for: summer vacations

29. When was the last time you saw your mom?: yesterday

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life?:i wish I could learn things faster, because there are so many things i’d like t learn

31. What are you listening to right now: early birds singing (it’s 7 in the morning)

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no, not a common name here in Brasil

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: the things I know will get on my nerves within some weeks from now😩 (uni things)

34. Most visited website: tumblr and vintage news

?????? MORE QUESTIONS

35. Mole/s: many. i have a secret and particular one .. you know where your buttocks meet? well, right there

36. Mark/s: none

37. Childhood dream: be a truck driver lol

38. Haircolor: light brown

39. Long or short hair: long

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes, but I rather not to think about it, he has gf, and i have important things to make my mind usefully busy but he is oh-so dreamy...

41. What do you like about yourself?: the way i’ve changed recently for better. I used to be afraid of changes and trying new things, of leaving my comfort zone. Now I practice 2 martial arts and this helps a lot to not only build courage but face your small silly fears and it proves to me that I can try and learn anything I want without any fear; I study in another town and do not complain, and have good grades. I am able to try and see if I can do it, not the opposite like “i wont even try because I am sure I can’t do it". I am open to face new things.

42. Piercings: no

43. Bloodtype: i think it is O+ but not sure

44: Nicknames: people call me anyway they like

45. Relationship status: single and tranquil

46. Zodiac: Leo

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favorite TV show: none

49. Tattoos: i’d like it, but none yet

50. Right or Left hand?: right

51: Surgery: yes, but 20 years ago

52. Hair dyed a different color: never, my hair is so cute hahah even hair stylists think I dye it, but it is natural highlighted

53. Sport: muay thai, jiu jitsu (every girl should learn it!), some bike and some running (in spare time)

54. Vacation: i spend my time at home. i have a beach 1km from here hah

55. Pair of trainers: funny question

MORE??

56. Eating: pizza and milanesas (uruguayan please)

57. Drinking: caipirinha please

59. I’m about to: bathe my cat (he won’t escape today), clean my dog (he is old, cannot take a proper bath or he gets sick ahha )

61. Waiting for: afternoon. sunny day and cleaning the beach event

62. Want: peace of mind

63. Get married: no. But future is not exactly under our control. In the event of suddenly finding someone REALLY worthwhile and we want to share our lives.. but not a marriage. In fact, i think I will have to sleep in different room (look, i have spent more than 30 years in my own privacy, having another body snoring and moving while i sleep is not exactly comfortable to think about. Sleeping is something holy)

64. Career: i am studying to be physical educator

65. Hugs or kisses: being alone for so so long makes me long for warm hugs instead of kisses.

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: anything is taller than me. so...

68. Older or younger: anything is younger than me, so...

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: stomach is nice, it is most of the times indicator of activity. don’t take me bad but i like active sportive people, sorry (i am active)

71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive. i like quietness

72. Hookup or relationship: relationship. I don’t want to spend my time or get hurt

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: balanced

74. Kissed a stranger: no. but i had met him a few time ago, and i knew his name

75. Drank hard liquor: yeah

76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: sunglasses yes, once I ran over my own sunglasses riding my own bike. How? ask einstein

77. Turned someone down: probably

78. Sex on the first date: did it but do not recommend if you are not a indifferent person

79. Broken someone’s heart: probably, but not on purpose. so he must have deserved it hua hua hua

80. Had your heart broken: yes

81. Been arrested: no

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: no, funny because I see friends like brothers.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: sure, if i don’t, who will?

85. Miracles: no

86. Love at first sight: no.. but yesterday I saw a guy on the bus that holy shit something hit me! i see nice guys everyday and very often.. but this one shook me.. he left the bus and I was “wtf? who is him?” and almost went after him and forgot my crush from the question 40. hahah matters of life

87. Santa Clause: no why!

88. Kiss on the first date: yes

89. Angels: when it is necessary haha

Other:

90. Current best friend’s name: my cat, Meow

91. Eye color: some kind of green

92. Favorite movie: i have many films i like but do not have a fave

Tagging:

@fondantfancyfree @frottingwithfreddie @silkmoony @suzcatonmars @inthelapofthegods74 @little-niggah-sugar @c-136 @sweetness-doesnt-touch-my-face @whitequeen0124 @sophia-dusk @rock-n-roll-curly-blonde @queenofdawn71 @itsloveit @soupinthelaundrybag @ronniesshoes @insanity--on--a--stick @vivi-ntvg @fancybasementfestival @brianmaysbread @scoreofvolunteers

20 is a lot. everyone was tagged before :(

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crookedspoonfic · 7 years

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The Raven Cycle Fic Masterlist

I thought I might compile a masterlist of TRC fic before it becomes too long for me to bother with. More of a quick browsing overview. Tags and everything on AO3.

Fics are grouped into Series, Standalones and Snippets. Series are sorted by date of creation and the fics by internal chronology. Standalones are divided into main pairing, sorted alphabetically, and then listed chronologically. Numbering reflects when a fic was written, so it’s easier to find the latest ones.

Last updated: 2017-10-22 (39 fics; 1 podfic; 1 new Series)

Series

nothing more than any artist dreams - Artist AU.

4. blue as a gunshot wound: Kavinsky/Prokopenko (M; 3,635 words; 01 February 2017) Proko knows he’s a doormat when it comes to Kavinsky. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.

17. Les liaisons dangereuses: Kavinsky/Prokopenko (M; 1,500 words; 27 May 2017) You shouldn’t be surprised when he drags you into the men’s room, although somehow you are.

19. something burning on my chest: Kavinsky/Prokopenko (M; 3,785 words; 05 July 2017) In which Proko is hungover and having a full-on angstfest before K wakes up and defuses it by being a dick.

34. A work of art and a weapon, a delight and a defense: Kavinsky/Prokopenko (M; 2,135 words; 07 October 2017) Kavinsky is a lot more taken with what Proko wants to show him than Proko would have expected.

30. maybe this is danger and you just don’t: Proko/Swan (E; 2,815 words; 01 October 2017) The fact that Swan of all people wants you is really fucking flattering.

2. Hidden here below the fracture: Kavinsky/Ronan, Kavinsky/Prokopenko (M; 3,278 words; 28 December 2016) Irritation lurks at the other end of his high, not inspiration. Or, the one in which K tries to banish Lynch from his head. Through art. And fails. Just give me what I came for 5. I’ve tasted hell and it tastes just like you: Kavinsky/Ronan (E; 2,565 words; 07 March 2017) Everyone knows that when you need someone to hurt you, Kavinsky is it. 7. Stay with me, I’ll show you paradise: Kavinsky/Ronan (E; 3,010 words; 14 March 2017) Kavinsky would never admit it but he can’t say no to Ronan. No matter how late it is, he’s there. Though he’s usually not this destroyed. 9. my tongue still misbehaves: Kavinsky/Ronan (M; 500 words; 18 March 2017) “Answer me this: how much would it piss you off if I got into Gansey’s pants before you did?” 26. So maybe I wanted to give you something more (E; 3,104 words; 30 August 2017) "Here's the deal, sweetheart, since I'm in a generous mood: Whatever you want me to do to you, I'll do it. All you have to do is say it out loud."

12. No sins as long as there’s permission: Kavinsky/Ronan (E; 4,555 words; 15 April 2017) WIP? “If we’re gonna do this, I want you to leave Gansey out of it. Completely.”

Two maniacs, indulging in the pleasures of their world - Childhood Friends AU.

22. Dreams are made for fools and sages: Kavinsky/Ronan (T; 500 words; 2017-07-13) The act of falling asleep: childhood vs. teenage years.

Be quiet and drive (far away) - Roadtrip AU.

1. Something’s got me and I just can’t seem to choose: Ronan/Kavinsky (T; 1,250 words; 13 November 2016) “You know where you can keep an even better eye on me, Lynch?” he asks. Ronan ignores the tickle of warm breath against the shell of his ear and empties his shot glass. “On the dancefloor. Come on, dance with me.” Or, the one in which Ronan doesn’t dance with K. Because obviously.

24. Don’t let me go; take me to the edge: Kavinsky/Ronan (M; 500 words; 24 July 2017) The hour-long drives and restless nights turn your days into a haze of dream-like images, impressions, impulses, stuttering like a flicker book – the open road before you, the car thrumming beneath you, Kavinsky twisting out of the window beside you and whooping with the thrill of it, white tanktop fluttering around his stomach.

I never liked that ending either - Rehab AU.

25. I wear these scars, I own my mistakes: Kavinsky & Ronan/Adam (T; 2,500 words; 28 August 2017) A year after the fateful Fourth of July party, Kavinsky suddenly comes out of the woodwork to apologize for what he's done.

27. And I still believe that I cannot be saved: Prokopenko & Kavinsky (T; 500 words; 02 September 2017) Prokopenko pays Kavinsky a visit in the hospital after the Fourth.

Grant me the freedom from objects - trans!Kavinsky/Ronan.

28. not really soothing but soothing nonetheless (E; 2,525 words; 08 September 2017) Working through some issues.

31. When you have nothing to say, set something on fire (M; 2,342 words; 02 October 2017) More musings on sleep and rehab than anyone asked for, and a hand job in the rain.

Married Alive - Kavinsky/Piper

33. You’re never too good for me (M; 1,611 words; 05 October 2017) When Greenmantle ordered the Greywaren to be delivered to him, he didn't expect to lose his wife (partner? lover?) over it.

Standalones

Adam/Kavinsky/Ronan

10. a new kind of love your life has never allowed + polytangle (M; 2,835 words; 31 March 2017) Youtube AU, sorta. Or: Adam is trying to edit a video, Kavinsky has other plans, and Gansey interrupts them both by video-calling long-distance. Gansey/Noah

29. ille me osculat (the scenic byway remix) + OT5 (G; 2,272 words; 11 September 2017) "gansey stands apart from the connection the other four share, because he doesn't know how to ask the others for that and the others don't think he wants like they do."noah is the one who sees."—weesaw, (i want you to know that i want to)

Gansey/Kavinsky

35. You know you like it but you’re scared of the shame (E; 2,560 words; 08 October 2017) Ronan said there was no negotiating with Kavinsky, but you had to see for yourself if that was true before deciding anything rash.

Gansey/Ronan 6. your heart frayed and empty (M; 2,705 words; 12 March 2017) Gansey wants to help Ronan, but has been drawing blanks as to how. Ronan has an idea, but never dared give it voice or thought. Until now. 8. stealing like the tide across a map (M; 2,150 words; 16 March 2017) The collar is heavy in your hands, heavy with the weight of what’s being asked. You’re aware that this could very well cost you your friendship, no matter what decision you make. Kavinsky/Ronan 11. It’s lovely. I hate it.: Kavinsky/Ronan (G; 200 words; 03 April 2017) Of weakness, disbelief, and growing families. 13. He wonders what to say and whether to say it (T; 500 words; 07 May 2017) For the first time in over a year and a half, you consider going to confession, to cleanse your soul of the sins you’ve committed this past week. 14. I’m variously sweat or shudder + Kavinsky/Prokopenko (M; 500 words; 10 May 2017) You’re about ready to dissolve when his phone rings. Kavinsky, of course, has to answer. 15. No warning from either of us (M; 2,205 words; 13 May 2017) Business AU. Niall Lynch has expanded his business of procuring rare items. In his absence, Ronan takes over the helm, although he has no real interest in it. That is, unless it means one-upping Kavinsky. 18. I just made you up to hurt myself (E!; 2,745 words; 30 June 2017) cw: non-con/rape, violence You parted as enemies on opposing lines, finger-gun to forehead, rage and rejection and a promise to end the other. Unless he’s begged you on his knees to take him back, there’s not one scenario in which you’d wind up back in your basement together with the real Lynch. Conclusion: You must have dreamed this one.

23. Everything that used to matter, don’t matter no more: Kavinsky+Prokopenko (T; 500 words; 17 July 2017) “I’m dying, man. What is that?” He scrubs his fingers over his breastbone, just below his gold chain. “I tried everything. I can’t make it go away.”

36. I could almost swear I felt us float (M; 1,310 words; 09 October 2017) "Truth, then: you ever kill someone?"

Kavinsky/Prokopenko 3. Reality bites hard (T; 2,050 words; 08 January 2017) WIP? Congratulations on coming out,“ Gansey says. "No fucking way. Kavinsky’s not gay.” A joke, that’s all this is, but not everyone seems to get it and suddenly has opinions about your life and who you are as a person. Trouble is, you soon find you’re not so sure yourself anymore. 20. You taste so bitter and so sweet (T; 500 words; 06 July 2017) “I don’t want you to go.” To him hangs in the air.

21. with a cloud at your feet (T; 500 words; 08 July 2017) Kavinsky has a lot of strange moods, depending on what he’s tripping on, yet arguably there are none stranger than when it’s just the five of you and he’s trying out new pills.

37. Cheap thrills and a breakfast full of white lines (M; 3,000 words; 10 October 2017) "Do you remember the first time we did this?" he asks, because memory fascinates him, knowing for a fact that most of it is fabricated because he is. How could you forget? It was the day that made you who you are today. And him, too.

Noah/Whelk 16. And it’s a long way back from seventeen (T; 1,210 words; 25 May 2017) It wasn’t only your skull that cracked that day.

38. You kissed me like a storm at sea (T; 1,424 words; 12 October 2017) It started out with you losing a wager and having to pose as Barry's maid for a day.

39. Don’t leave me behind (T; 500 words; 15 October 2017) Even after you lost everything, he picked you up as if it were a normal Tuesday.

Ronan/Greenmantle

32. A bullet in your head is how I want it (E; 2,135 words; 04 October 2017) cw: graphic violence, blood, gore, imagined character death, guro Ronan has a recurring fantasy: he dreams of killing someone. But not just anyone, no. He dreams of killing his father's murderer.

Podfic

1. gonna rip it off (go back home) by ilgaksu: Kavinsky/Ronan, Ronan/Adam (T; 6:04 min; 13 September 2017) Joseph Kavinsky can't read Latin. He can't read Latin and Ronan can't read his own body and they've both got enough blood on their hands they could mark each other up and you'd never see the red. That's beautiful, that is.

Bonus: Snippets, Excerpts, and WIPs

i. You tell yourself you haven’t always been this pathetic: Kavinsky (T; ~1.8k words; 29 August 2017)

ii. Childhood friends AU, scene 1: Kavinsky/Ronan, Declan (T; 2,255 words; 01 September 2017)

Previous updates:

2017-06-22 (17 fics) 2017-07-01 (18 fics, re-did the numbering to reflect when a fic was written, hoping to make it easier to find the latest ones) 2017-07-08 (20 fics, added explanation on fic sorting) 2017-07-13 (22 fics, created a new untitled series) 2017-07-24 (24 fics; named the previously unnamed series, created a new one and sorted my first TRC fic under it) 2017-09-03 (27 fics; added another Series and a Snippets category for tumblr-exclusive previews) 2017-09-15 (28 fics; 1 podfic; added the section Podfic) 2017-10-08 (32 fics; 1 podfic; 1 new Series)

#the raven cycle #fanfiction #list: fics #rovinsky #prokopinsky #ronsey #ronan lynch #joseph kavinsky #richard gansey iii #all the lists #long post #czelk #noah czerny #prokopenko

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thepoeticwit · 6 years

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2018 Re-Solutions

Discussing new year resolutions with Stephanie Yap at IACT Christian Fellowship

On 14 January 2019, we had our ex-President now CF Advisor Stephanie Yap speak to us on new year resolutions, reflecting on the past year and anticipating what is to come for the new year. Last year in 2018, our theme for the year is on Gifts, with a vision to witness the fruit of the Spirit bear within everyone in CF and in every individual that comes to the house of the Lord; a mission to gather Christians to be the salt and light for God and His people through our worship, fellowship and discipleship. (1 Corinthians 12: 1-11; Ephesians 4: 1-16) Stephanie shared with us some of her resolutions, two of which were getting disciplined (waking up on time, sleeping on time, reading the Word more, being early) and getting focused (figuring out her niche, intentionally talk to people, work hard).

Our lives are pretty much like the Netflix show ‘Bandersnatch’ in which every choice we make has a consequence that shapes reality (though some choices won’t really matter or make that big a difference). 2019-- as with every new year-- is either a chance to start over or will be the same as every other year with no significant change. Stephanie then made a point, saying “2019 is a chance to start over, but it will be the same as every other year if it is anchored in the wrong person” We discussed our choices: do we anchor ourselves in Christ, or do we anchor ourselves in our self? As we discussed, we figured that it would be better to anchor ourselves in Christ rather in ourselves because we can only do so much on our own by our own strength whereas in Christ, we can do so much more by His abundant grace. Since we as human beings are limited and fall short of many things, we would end up relapsing back into defaults and would have everything just the same. So when the next year comes, we’d be wondering “will 2020 be a chance to start over, or just the same as every other year?”

In John 15:5, Jesus says, “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me, and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing.” Similarly, in Psalms 16:2 it says, “I say to the LORD, ‘You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.’” How important it is, then, should we be a part of Christ, to be anchored in Him so that we can bear fruit. There are reasons why we as Christians remain in Christ, and that is mainly because He abides with us. This is in contrast with what the world usually tells us, how we should be confident in our own selves and our own strength.

Because He Cares For You

So why be anchored in Christ? The first reason is because He cares for you. In Matthew 6:30-31, it is said, “...if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown in the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will wear?’ These thoughts dominate the hearts of unbelievers, but your Heavenly Father already knows all your needs”. Coming to this point, Stephanie challenged us to ask ourselves what we have in common with unbelievers. It is this: worries. We, as human beings, tend to worry a lot. What is supposed to make us different as salt and light of the earth is that we trust in the Lord our God who provides for us, who knows our purpose, and who is our everything.

There was this one sentence in the verse that caught hold of Stephanie, which was: “Why do you have so little faith?” A lot of times we depend on experience when we are least aware of it. But take a look at King David. Should you observe his character, you would recognise that he had a gift in leadership. As a leader, you would tend to think-- based on experience-- that you would go with the formula that works best simply because you have been through it before. But what did David do? He went to God and consulted with Him each time before going out to battle. That in itself is astounding. Like, would you even consider going to God before starting on college assignments (not counting the very last minute ones or that which is past due, of course)? It would seem that a difficulty in this area of ours would imply that we do not have the practice of building our faith. So we should, by all means, go to God before any task be it in our assignments, our services to Him, or even in our interactions with our friends. All this, because he cares for us.

Because Everything Of This World Will Eventually Fade

We should be anchored in Christ because everything of this world will eventually fade. The world actually preaches that you should be great and that you should leave a mark on this world. It is actually not bad and it doesn’t really fall far from the Bible which tells us to do excellently and be a good example. However, the Bible also makes a stark contrast by saying, “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” (Matthew 6:19-21) This verse calls to mind a particular word of interest: disappointment. We easily get disappointed at a lot of things be it team mates, our grades, and generally get very disappointed in life (or with life).

We would think thoughts like, “Oh, I’m supposed to be in a Christian family, thus everything is supposed to be nice and orderly” or “This is supposed to be a church, everyone is supposed to be nice to each other” or “This is supposed to be CF, people shouldn’t be gossiping”. Truth be told, these are things on earth. Your system, the CF, our gatherings, and even the place that we gather in are all temporary. Don’t take this the wrong way: it’s not like we shouldn’t put our heart in it or give our all for these things. However, at the end of the day, you can do all things but your heart is not meant to be here. Setting your heart on earthly things would give cause to see everything crumble down, because that is just the nature of life here on earth-- temporary and fading away.

In Psalm 144:4, it says “Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow”. Stephanie shared how she felt God spoke to her by this verse; it was like He is telling us that we tend to put our hope in human beings as well-- people who are gone, even. We should indeed look up to the legacy that Christians before us have left behind, reading up on them and their works, and being encouraged by them. Yet, everything has a potential to become an idol. When even the best of the saints become our idols, in the end, we realise that they can disappoint us too. Anchor yourself in Christ because He is the only person who does not and will not disappoint you! “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8)

Because He Is The Giver Of Dreams

We should anchor ourselves in Christ because He is the giver of dreams therefore only He can see it to completion. For some of us (especially those of us who are IACT students) we would have immense amounts of opportunities before us and thus we have big dreams. Conversely, we can be on the opposite end seeing no opportunities at all and wonder, “what’s the point?” Stephanie shared how she was at this state, but felt God saying to her, “Dream bigger.” Then she replied, “But doesn’t that contradict Your lesson to me all these years not to put my identity in my dreams? Because Lord, You know the way You made me, that I will go all the way in full force and then I will be disappointed.” Then the Lord said to her, “You already have your answer right there: who do you put your trust in? The dream coming to pass, or Me coming through for you?”

If you have no idea where to start on your devotions, go look up the stories of Abraham, Joseph (in Genesis), King David, etc. These are some of the people who are people of faith who put their trust in God and see their dreams come true. Could you ever imagine that, in today’s time, God suddenly says to you “you will become a nation” meaning that you will be a race of your own? That was what it was like when God told Abraham the exact same thing, and imagine how Abraham would have felt as a human being who did not really know God’s will at large at the time. Yet, still he trusted in the Lord. David was given the call to be king of Israel when he was just a very young teenager and didn’t become king until he was around 30 years old.

Like David, some of us may have had prophetic words/words of knowledge spoken over us, over the years even, in church or other about what our futures may be like. Don’t let those dreams die yet. We should be like Mary, Jesus’ mother, and keep these things in our heart. Mary didn’t see how Jesus was the Saviour of nations although she had bore witness to Jesus’ life, ministry, sacrifice, resurrection, and the ministry of the church after these things in her own lifetime (not to say that she didn’t, she probably did). Yet, on the grander scheme of things, she wouldn’t be able to see past her own timeline to see Christ’s work on earth after her own time. It is the same with us. God works in our life not just for our timeline but for a bigger timeline. He wants to work in your timeline for sure, but trust that you are a part of something that is much bigger. So when you walk in God’s will, you are actually part of something much bigger than yourself.

2019 Resolutions: How do we be anchored in Christ?

So that’s that. We are anchored in Christ for those three reasons: because He cares for us, because everything in this world will eventually fade, and because He alone is the giver of dreams and thus the only one who can bring those dreams to completion. Now comes the next question: How do we become more anchored in Christ? We anchor ourselves in Christ by trusting God and not the dreams or works; identifying with Him, not the world; knowing Him above ourselves; and having fellowship often with one another.

Trust God, not the works or the dreams.

In Psalm 37:5 it says, “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do it.” The thing about this verse is how it says that He will do it. Not you, but He. We may place a lot of emphasis on how we are doing, on what our hands can do, and when we fail, we condemn ourselves. Of course we need to do well and strive for excellence what more even now as students because how well we are doing in whatever that is entrusted to us is an indicator of our walk with Christ. People will be looking at us, watching us. So it is indeed important to do well in what we are doing as a testimony. But keep in mind that all of this is only possible because God enables it to be. “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain; unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” (Psalms 127:1) So while we work hard, we need to commit our way to the Lord lest it be in vain.

Identify with Him, not with the world.

We live in a world, in such a time as this where there are a lot of “isms” (feminism, veganism, minimalism, atheism, capitalism, communism, etc.). In a world with a variety of worldviews and philosophies, our sole truth and guiding principle as Christians is the Word of God. In Romans 12:2 it says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-- His good, pleasing and perfect will.” The first imperative in this verse is a “don’t”: Don’t be conformed to the world’s patterns. But then it is also followed by an imperative to “do”: Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. The way to not conform to the pattern of this world is to actively transform your mind by reading the Word of God.

Not only do we renew our minds when we read the Word of God, but we will be able to test and approve what God’s will is. Let’s take a look at the word “Test”. We look into the Word of God to seek affirmation (to test ourselves) on whether or not what we are doing is right, whether we are moving in the right direction as a CF, whether we are on the right track even as future leaders, or just as Christians. Now let’s take a look at the word “Approve”. What do we approve of in today’s day and age? It can be simple things like “I approve of this colour” or “I like your dressing today, I approve it” or “I agree with you”. Come to think about it, we can’t approve or agree with something if we don’t love it. It’s the same with God and His good, pleasing, and perfect will. We must come to love God and His word so much that we will approve of these things so much that we would even want to transform ourselves in the renewing of our minds!

Know God, above yourself.

The first line of Psalm 46:10 says “Be still and know that I am God...”. There is this saying that some would say: “I wanna find myself this year”. But what does that really mean? What does it really mean to find oneself? Because really, to find oneself would entail searching inward which would be disappointing enough should the person not have Christ. In and of ourselves, we lack, and all that we have are only superficial things. Thus, in the end, all that we have within ourselves is emptiness. Even the best of things on earth do not compare to the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:8) We should be seeking God instead.

What would it then mean to be still and know that He is God? Probably because that is all we ever need to know and the starting point in which we come to know (more of) who God is. To know that God is good takes experience of God’s goodness in one’s life. To know that God is provider also takes experience of His providence in one’s life (and so it goes with other attributes of God, like Him being Healer, or Father). Knowing that He is God is the start, because when we acknowledge that He is God, we acknowledge that He is in control (and we worship a God who is in control. If He is not in control, then He’d rather not be God at all!) Too often we get ourselves caught up in the illusion that we are in control of our own lives when in reality, we do not have everything in our control at all. So we ought to get ourselves out of that illusion and see for ourselves that He is God, and we are not.

Fellowship often.

Fellowship often with one another. We, as Christians are members of Christ’s body. So we ought to commune together with one another as we do with God. Stephanie left us with a word from Ephesians 3:14-21 that says, “I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

How we are able to know this deep, wide, long and wide love of Christ that surpasses knowledge is to fellowship with Christ, that is also to fellowship with those who are members in His body. “Let us not neglect our meeting together, as some have made a habit, but let us encourage one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Hebrews 10:25) Not only this, but there are more places in Scripture in regards to us being the body of Christ. (Romans 12:5; 1 Corinthians 12:12–27; Ephesians 3:6 and 5:23; Colossians 1:18 and Colossians 1:24.) Also consider how in our loving one another we make manifest our love for God and His love in us as well. (John 13:34-35; 1 John 4:19-21).

Recap.

With each new year, as well as every new moment, it is always an opportunity for new beginnings. However, should we lose our focus and anchor ourselves in the wrong person, it could end up just the same as usual with no difference. We should anchor ourselves in Christ because He cares for us, because everything in this world will eventually fade but He remains the same, and because He is the giver of dreams therefore only He can bring them to completion all for His glory.

We become anchored in Christ when we trust in God and not in the works and dreams, when we identify with Him and not with the world, when we are still and know that He is God who is in control, and when we fellowship with one another in the love of Christ making manifest even greater the immensities of his everlasting steadfast love.

Should we anchor ourselves in Christ, we will be able to grow and bear much fruit, for apart from Him we truly cannot do a single thing.

(Scriptures cited and referenced from various versions of the Holy Bible)

#christian #Jesus Christ #iactchristianfellowship #christian fellowship #religion #faith #new year resolution #Train of Thought #thepoeticwit #christianity #devotion #devotional

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hisnanoka · 7 years

Text

Nanoka no Kare - Chapter 77

Click “Keep Reading” for the translation.

The following is a very rough translation/interpretation from the original Japanese text to English via Google Translate and is not guaranteed to be accurate. Text will be reviewed and edited when a Spanish translation is available to double check for errors.

Story: Saro Tekkotsu

Art: Miyoshi Toumori

Click here for the RAW scans!

N = Nanoka | T = Takato | O = Ouji

Page 1 – Cover page

“In the place where two memories overlap. When the two memories overlap, it will rain.”

2つの記憶が重なる場所に

2つの記憶が重なる雨が降る.

Page 2

T: [After crying so much, I realized for the first time how much damage I had done.]

[I’m so embarrassed I want to die.]

N: Hehe…we’ve both cried a lot.

T: [I kind of feel relieved.]

[It feels strange.]

Page 3

T: …you’ve become drenched.

If you don’t dry quickly, you will catch a cold.

Are you not cold?

N: …no, Takato-kun, aren’t you cold?

T: …I’m fine.

[My body temperature is becoming lukewarm with every droplet.]

[It feels like my body is melting.]

Can you stand?

Page 4

T: [This is happy rain.]

N: …Ah

Beautiful…

T: [My eyes that are drenched. Is it because of the rain or my tears.]

Page 5

T: [It’s as if it were all a dream.]

Page 6

T: [It was beautiful]

[Like a dream.]

[Was it]

Page 7

T: [Too much of a dream come true?]

Wow…40 degrees Celsius (104 degrees Fahrenheit)

[I collapsed after coming back from that trip.]

[It is not a dream that I went there.]

[Nanoka said that…she likes me.]

[That had to be a dream…]

[A dream, really!?]

Page 8

T: [Nanoka…]

[Nanoka at my bedside…is definitely a hallucination.]

[As well as Mammy Ranch…]

N: Takato-kun

Page 9

N: How is your cold?

T: What!?

Are you the real Nanoka!?

N: Real?

You weren’t answering your phone.

I was wondering how you were doing. I think it was your housekeeper? She suggested that I come it since you are feeling better...

I’m sorry to disturb you while you were sleeping.

T: Nanoka!

Page 10

T: Did we go to Mammy Ranch together?

N: What?

Yes, we did. That is why you caught a cold.

T: Did you say you liked me?

N: I told you.

T: Really…

Page 11

T: …really…

It seemed like a dream and so I thought it was just a dream.

N: …I said such a thing and you caught a cold. Is it my fault?

I had your coat Takato-kun

If I did not have it you would not have caught a cold.

T: …probably not, I should have been more cautious

N: Because of your exams?

Page 12

T: No, because I should have told you

The things I wasn’t able to say for these 2 years

But suddenly it all came out at once

I’m happy.

Relieved.

Sluggish.

I guess my body did not follow.

---Nanoka

Page 13

T: I love you.

Far more that you can imagine.

Page 14

N: …my hand?

T: Huh? This is bad… *

Because I am sick it would be bad to do that.

---wait a minute

N: Ah…

Page 15

N: Wait! I am going to be late.

I don’t want to impose.

Will you come to school tomorrow?

I will call you. Well then, take care!

T: [I am too happy…]

[I wonder if I will die tomorrow?]

Page 16

N: “I will call you.”

T: [That was fast.]

Is this Nanoka?

Please be careful…

O: It’s been a long time

T: ---Hayata…!?

O: Haha. Oh, yeah

Page 17

O: Did you forget about me?

T: …Karasuma…!?

You’re awake?

O: Yes, since awhile ago.

I’m sure you remember which hospital I am in.

Come tomorrow.

Page 18

O: Look how much you have grown.

So 2 years really have passed.

T: …you’re pretty thin.

O: Well yeah,.

I miscalculated because I never expected myself to wake up.

I was disappointed when I saw the ceiling of the hospital.

Page 19

O: It was

As if I was watching a nice dream.

T: …so

Why did you call me

O: I’ve been thinking about all of this

Nanoka’s love, has it returned to Nanoka?

T: Did you know that Nanoka would lose her memories?

O: Answer my question first?

Page 20

T: No, her memories have not returned.

I even went to the flower garden where she had made a promise with Hayata and her memory did not return after that.

O: That’s good to hear.

Because that means her love is still “mine.”

And

It’s because you are greedy

I figured you would want every bit of Nanoka to belong to you.

Page 21

T: ............

O: You have to endure that because I am the one who is taking it.

…just a little more and I can sleep and never wake up again.

T: What do you mean?

O: When I was a child, I received a hole in my head due to an accident.

T: What?

O: I do not know whether or not that was the cause

Inside of it, I have a tumor.

Page 22

O: Even though I had it treated during my second year of high school, it seems it’s impossible after all.

Surely, I wonder if it grew to fill the hole in my head.

Don’t you think that is lovely?

T: ...I cannot keep up with your way of thinking

I have

O: Say, don’t you think

That we are pretty similar?

Page 23

T: What…

O: I’m getting tired again, I seriously got injured when I fell.

I wanted the answer to my question and I got it. Please do not come back here again.

Farewell.

Ah. I forgot to mention.

Page 24

O: The flower garden

Is not the key.

You must absolutely make sure that she never hears Hayata’s voice, okay?

Page 25

N: [Takato-kun’s acceptance announcement will be soon.]

[I wonder if I should get him a gift to celebrate.]

[I’m really wondering what he wants but does it have to be an item…]

Page 26

N: [I wonder if he would like something more like that.]

[Or should I make a feast…]

[What is she doing…it looks like she is about to cry.]

[I wonder if she is lost?]

What’s wrong?

Page 27

N: Where is your mother or father?

Are you lost?

Um…what is your name?

[Is she shy?]

[Somehow I’m remembering when I was a lost child.]

Page 28

Girl: Hey! I’m here!

N: What?

Page 29&30

O: “You must absolutely make sure that she never hears Hayata’s voice, okay?”

To be continued May 20, 2017 (Issue 12)

Next chapter is the beginning of volume 14!

Volume 13 will be released May 25th and the digital release will be June 23rd.

-Notes-

*I’m not really sure what is being said here and honestly it’s hard to tell who is saying what. I’m guessing Takato is saying he is sick but it’s possible Nanoka is saying that he is sick.

#Nanoka no Kare #Chapter 77 #Nanohana no Kare #Translation #Shoujo #Shoujo Manga #Rough Translation

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iamdorka · 5 years

Photo

COLSON (x Reader)

Last updated: 2020/04/25

Imagines

PART II (12/10)

PART III (12/12)

When we were young ‘Heyy I dont know if you’re a fan of adele but there’s this song of hers called when we were young… There’s a lyric there that goes 'you are just like a movie just like a song’… Could you do one where they are breaking up because of obvious reasons but they’re still in love but they cannot do that anymore. Just her being sorry for what’s happening and like she says something on these lines to him. Her being tired and last goodbye type something.’ requested by @lovemythsworld (11/24)

IMAGINE ‘Make the reaction of Colson knowing that it will be dad!!’ requested 11/03) 100+ notes

IMAGINE - ‘Hey girl I want to request teaching Spanish to the crew.’ requested by @verywell-fandango (10/06) 100+ notes

Headcanons

IMAGINE „Could I please request a ‘Dating ______ would include:’ bullet point headcanon for Colson, Dom and Pete respectively? I love your writing; thank you 🖤” (04/11) 100+ notes

The making of the new album (02/01) 100+ notes

Mad Being mad at him (01/21) 100+ notes

Fashion week… in Paris Going with Colson to Paris fashion week (01/16) 100+ notes

Fake texts

IMAGINE ''Will you write another ColsonxReader quarantine story soon? I’m bored and don’t know what to do with myself... Stay healthy and stay indoors!!!' requested by @being-worthy 💕 (04/05)