#i cant do it verbally because i just get choked up and want to cry

[yumjunniie]

“can you teach me” | sim jaeyun

synopsis; virgin!afab!reader wants to try to learn abt sex and always wondered what it feels like so she convinces her best friend! jake as to why he should help her.

warnings; smut (mdni), handjob, fingering, boob play, making out, dirty talk, name calling [princess, good girl,baby] no p in v, spit?

a/n; if there’s any typos or mistakes it’s because none of it proofread or anything or i’m sorry that 😭 but other than that please enjoy n lmk what u think. this will be two parts. mayb 😭

you have been overthinking ur virginity for a long while, maybe too long. you always thought abt what if you never did it right, or what if you jerk them off and you don’t satisfy them. you even thought badly abt ur body, what if your boobies look weird or if your pussy doesn’t look or taste or feel like others. you shared these thoughts to jake your best friend since 5th grade.

you could trust jake w/ anything. sharing your feelings, taking care of you when your sick, letting you cry on his shoulder after you got dumped, blasting music and dancing like crazy ppl. and then you thought ‘maybe i should ask jake to help me.’ honestly to you this was genius, a hot guy friend to help you w/ your dick stroking game. you were definitely asking him when he comes over in a few.

30 minutes pass and you hear jake yell “y/n! i got take out!” “coming!” you run down the stairs and jump into his arms for a hug. “woah i saw you yesterday what’s with the jumping and hit smile?” “i have something to ask you” you chuckled. “okayyy” he says after taking a big bite of his noodles. after like 5 minutes of just downing your food you ask jake. “can you teach me how to have sex?” jake chokes on his food, punching his chest and drinking some water. “what?!” he looked at you as if you were crazy. “do you know what your asking? i cant do that!” “why not?” “y/n we’ve been best friends since the 5th grade” he brought up. “yeah and that gives me more of a reason to do it w/ u, would you want me to give to some dude while i have zero to none experience?” “i mean no but” he sighed.

“pleaseee jakey” you plead as you toy w/ the drawstring of his sweats before moving your hand lower to his thighs. sitting up to your knees and grabbing both sides of his face. you don’t know what got into you, but this was your chance, and you were incredibly horny. kissing his cheeks before giving him a quick peck on the lips. “you’re the only guy i trust to touch me, please? for me?” jake never thought he’d see the day you’d beg for him to touch you. he’s not blind, you’re a very attractive lady. ever since y’all started puberty, he couldn’t help, but to give a few a lot of glances at your tits. he stroked his dick thinking abt how you could take his dick or how your lips look wrapped around it. and the way your playing w/ his drawstring isn’t saving his act right now.

kissing down his honey tanned neck. “please?” “o-ok, i-i’ll do it” he stuttered. “i’ll teach you, but don’t beg like that for right now, your gonna make me cum in my pants.” you jumped in excitement. “where do we start first? can i touch you? should we kiss?“ throwing a bunch of questions at him. ‘she’s rlly excited for this, better not disappoint then’ he thought. “can i kiss you?” you nodded. “no i need you to be verbal w/ me princess” he ordered. god, the moment that pet name slipped out, your stomach wobbled around. “y-yes” your cheeks gone pink. “cute” he whispered before placing his soft plump lips onto yours. he takes the lead as he patiently waits for you to follow him, pulling your head closer, rubbing your forearm, before intertwining his hands into yours.

the kiss gets deeper and the room gets hotter but you guys don’t stop. at this point, you’re straddled on his lap, grinding down his crotch. he pants “fuck.” “ar-are you okay?” concerned it sounded like you hurt him. “n-no it felt good” he looked down at his crotch. he’s so hard it hurts. the tightness compressed in his sweats and briefs is killing him. “i’m going to teach you something now, okay?” you nod. “words baby” he reminded. “yes ok let’s do this” which wasn’t rlly convincing, considering you were fiddling your fingers around. “hey it’s ok i’m right here” jake reassured. you smiled and nodded as jake continued to take off his sweats and briefs.

looking at his dick just caused your pussy to have a tsunami. he wasn’t big but he wasn’t small, girthy tho, and it was actually super pretty to look at. you look into jakes eyes for permission. he nods. you wrapped your hand around him, hearing him gasp at the touch. then you look at him confused bc you don’t know the next step. “here i’ll show you” he says before spitting into his hand and putting onto his dick, rubbing up and down in circular motion. throwing his head back, groaning, and biting his lip as you watched. your underwear felt sticky, you were so wet, and he hasn’t even touched you. “y-you try” he pants.

you spit a bit onto his dick before stroking him up and down in circular motion like he demonstrated before. his chest going up and down as his breathing spiked faster, his eyes fluttering closed, his slight whimpers, and gasps. he looked so sexy like this. “gonna cum oh don’t stop” he moans out. as you went a little faster, white ropes of cum spurts out. you don’t know what got into you but you just had to take the tip of him into your mouth and swallow the last few spurts. jake bucks his hips into your throat at the stimulation, taking his final breathes and pants. “fuck y/n you did so fucking good, but now it’s your turn” he smirks.

he lights pushes you down the sofa. “can i take your clothes off?” he asks. “y-yes” without hesitation, you lift up your hips so he can take off your shorts and underwear. as he throws them somewhere in the house, you take your top and bra off, but still covering yourself a bit. “don’t cover yourself, you look beautiful y/n” he reassures. you drop your hands. “can i touch you?” “yes” your voice is kind of shaky but you still trust jake w/ your body. his hand makes his way to your tits, softly massaging them, making you whimper. his hand travels from your stomach to your pussy. he takes a finger a rubs once against your slick folds, making your legs open more. he barely done anything and you can’t even think straight. toying with your pussy before slowly entering your wet slick.

his finger fucking you deliciously, between your moans to how fucked out you look just from his finger, he couldn’t wait to add another. a long salacious moan exits past your lips as he added another finger, fucking your faster, rubbing your clit with his thumb. the pleasure was so much, your legs were shaking. your hands travel from your tits to jakes wrists gripping them so he doesn’t stop. he bends over to your ear and whispers, “you look so gorgeous like this princess, your gonna cum for me like a good girl right?” you nodded and plead for him to finish you off. “words baby, ask permission to cum for me” he smirks. “please can i cum?” your hand goes up to jakes hair to caress him all the way to his cheek. “please can i cum, i’ve been good” you gasp. “go ahead my love cum for me” he permits. your mind goes blank, everything went black for a second. “are you ok?” you nod and smile. “thank you jake, feels so good” you watch jake clean you up, put your clothes back on you, and then his before you drift off to sleep. “i love you” jake says as he lands a kiss on your forehead before cuddling up next to you.

a/n; thank you guys for reading! hope you enjoyed my first enhypen smut :) many more coming but i need to sleep it’s 1:26 am rn 🧍🏻leave feedback if anything!! also thank you guys for 324 followers seriously i love all you guys!!

©yumjunniie | do not copy or plagiarize my work

[eyelessjackspersonalbodypillow]

Eyeless Jack Nsfw Headcanons (mostly rambling)

If I’m being honest this is me rambling at 3am. I’m running on sugar(which is actaully making me more drowsy) and I want to get one more post out before I go to sleep. Expect this to not be my best writing. 

NSFW BELLOW THE CUT!!!!

Okay so I hc that Jack is a BIG guy. I mean height wise right now. I’ll get to that part towards the end my dear reader.

He’s 6′5 when hes calm and not hungry but he’s 6′8 when hes going near his demon form (demon form is about 7′0 for my hc).

If he loves you he will be staying very far away from you when hes hungry.

anyway anyway

YOU are most likely smaller than him by at least an inch ( probably more since Jack simps give short vibes. I'm an Jack simp and I'm 5′0. I'm allowed to bully you guys shut up)

Anyway he probably has a size kink. He loves when his s/o is smaller than him. He loves being all protective and shit.

Overstimulation is just one of his favorites, Seeing you cry and squirm underneath him as he makes you cum for a 4th time just gets him going.

Big crying kink of some sort here, not because he hurt you. I cant see him going any farther than choking you/ Marking you during sex. He doesn’t want to see you hurt he just wants to see you overwhelmed.

creampie.

probably into bdsm? he’ll try anything you like as long as its not too far.

He will want to do the research with you if its something potentially dangerous.

Hes mostly a dom but will sub if thats what you want, he gets bratty as hell though since he likes being able to have the control.

Hes so soft when he doms though like JHGEUBSHNW he gets rough on accident though and feels bad

Breeding kink.

I HC HE HAS MULTIPLE TOUNGES, hes mostly non verbal for my hcs too but oop. he can still speak hes just selective when he does it since he prefers to not speak.

will speak when he needs too and DAMN his voice is like smooth ass honey (idk im fucking tired)

You will be a sobbing mess by the time hes done eating you out, and thats him getting started.

but thats if hes in a better mood. he either puts in a ton of work or is really lazy and just wants you to ride him.

cock warming.

he always gives some for of after care, he knows he can accidently get  too rough when hes trying to be soft. 

bath, kisses, reassurance, water, cuddle.

he’ll also provide anything else you want but these are his go tos.

thats all. this is unedited. please do not take this seriously. I’ll write something better when its not 3 am

[lununnunna]

Together || Todoroki Shouto x Reader

angst in which you feel as if shouto doesnt truly love you. happy(ish) ending.

warnings: angst. heartbreak. arguing; bordering physical/verbal abuse. false accusations of cheating. reconciliation. two fools in love who just need help sorting their jumbled brains.

“shouto.. you dont love me, do you?”

the world around you was drowned out by the echoing of blood pumping in your ears. your body felt hot, and there was a nervous ache in your chest. you tried to ignore the trembling of your hands, the way your legs felt like jelly, or the building of tears on your waterline as you stood before him.

he slowly blinked as he turned his head to look at you.

“what?”

the way he looked so lost, sitting there on the couch, made your anxiety build as you took a breath and repeated yourself.

“do you even love me?”

his brow lowered, a slight crease in his flawless skin forming. he spoke slowly.

“of course i love you. what made you think i dont?”

you couldnt hold eye contact much longer, eyes darting away, your bottom lip caught between your teeth. you felt sick to your stomach. you didnt want to tell him, but.. it was for the best. you know that. how do you expect anything to change if you dont confront him and let him know?

“i-its just.. well.. that time bakugou insulted me... you— you didnt defend me.” you paused, before quickly adding, “o-of course, i know hes your friend, and i know hes a top hero, and— and i know hes just like that, believe me i know, b-but it just—“ you struggled for breath. was it this hot in here earlier? “it really hurt me.” your voice cracked. your chest felt heavy. “and he seemed harsher than normal, a-and i looked to you for help, and may— maybe you just didnt understand that i was uncomfortable, but— that other time, when that woman at the restaurant shoved me— and i know she did it on purpose, and i know you watched her do it, and i get that as a hero you might have a repuation to uphold, but— but you literally apologized to HER! like i was the one in the wrong, shouto! you could have ignored her, maybe even looked at her pointedly, because i know you cant just pick fights with civilians, but, apologizing!?” you felt dizzy, but the anger was beginning to build, and it was fueling you to continue. “and that time when that woman messaged you on twitter, sending you her nudes and talking about how you could do so much fucking better than little old me. you opened it, you saw it, and you didnt fucking block her!? what the fuck was that, shouto!? do you want her??? did you keep that to look back on???? to remind yourself of what you could be having, to work up the courage to leave me?????” you were panting and out of breath. your chest heaved, and you realized you were crying, hot tears trailing down to the front of your shirt. you couldnt bring yourself to look at him.

you stared at your feet.

“..what kind of man does that, shou..?”

there was silence. you didnt want to speak, fearful of what meaningless insults might leave your mouth if you did. you were angry, you were embarrassed, you were so fucking tired.

“...i,” he paused. you could hear him swallow, breath shaky as he exhaled before continuing. “i dont even know what to say to that.”

you waited for him to continue.

to apologize.

to tell you he loved you.

anything.

he never did.

“you.. you cant even..”

you were trembling violently, eyes glued to the tatami mats he had installed in your shared home himself. rage was boiling inside you, masking the churn of anxiety and heartbreak in your stomach. you hated that you lashed out when you were hurting. you couldnt stop yourself.

“you fucking coward. you call yourself a hero? you cant even defend your own fucking wife.”

your head snapped up, fists balled at your sides, the tears unstoppable as they blurred your vision too much to see his shock. you choked back a sob, baring your teeth in malice as you hurled the most hurtful words your frazzled mind could come up with.

“i should have never expected you to be capable of loving me. after all, you were never anything more than a tool for your father’s success. what more could a weapon like you do?”

the moment the words registered in your mind, you were filled with regret. you didnt mean it. of course you didnt mean it, you loved him more than life itself— hes your fucking husband! you never saw him as any of the horrid things leaving your mouth. you loved him to death; you were so sure of your long lasting marriage. you wanted to have a family with him one day!

you fucking despised yourself. you know you were only saying these things out of hurt, you know you lashed out as a defense mechanism— but he didnt. he didnt know you didnt mean it. he didnt know you spoke before thinking. he didnt know you were broken. he didnt know about the abuse you’ve gone through in the past.

you did. but at this point, your past only felt like an excuse. and preying on your husbands insecurities because you felt cornered was no fucking excuse. there will never be an excuse for this.

everything happened so fast.

in a blur, he was suddenly on you— his hands brushed against your throat, his eyes dark and his teeth gritted. the muscles of his jaw flexed and tensed as he seemed to be debating going through with it.

you swallowed against his flaring hands.

he took heavy breaths, before his hands dropped to his sides, and he hung his head.

it was silent. you breathed slowly, having held your breath as his hands threatened you.

“..im sorry.”

he was so quiet, you nearly missed it.

“im.. im sorry too,” you whispered, silent tears slipping down your already stained cheeks.

another bout of silence ensued as he turned his head, staring at your hand through the curtain of bangs surrounding his face. your hand twitched involuntarily.

“we..” he trailed off. his eyes stayed on your hands.

they were so delicate. so small. so soft, and he couldnt help but think of all the times hes held them. without thinking, his hand reached out to hold yours, ever so gently.

you almost pulled away. almost.

“i.. i never meant to hurt you. and i would never think of leaving you, love. i was never aware of that woman. i have a team of people who manage my twitter account for publicity. and as for bakugou, and the other woman at the restaurant.. i swear to do my best to stand up for you more often. im sorry im so dense at times.”

you squeezed his hand, and his eyes flitted up to meet yours, shining with guilt and sorrow. yours must have reflected his.

“i didnt mean it. i dont think that of you, shou. i never will. youre not a coward, and youre not your father’s tool. i— i was just hurt. and i lash out when im hurt, because in the moment, all i can think of is hurting them back. to make them hurt as much as i am. im so sorry, baby..”

he let out a slow breath, shutting his eyes for a moment. when he opened them, he looked more solemn, but overall seemingly relieved to know you didnt mean those words. he stepped closer to you, pulling you into his chest and gently wrapping you in his embrace.

he was trembling.

“i understand. i would never hurt you, either— but in that moment, i was in so much pain, the anger..”

“was just too much. it took over,” you finished. “i know. i understand. im the same way.”

silence enveloped the two of you as you silently reconciled, breathing in the scent of one another.

it wasnt until he pulled away to look at you that the silence was broken.

he cupped your cheeks. “you were abused too, werent you.”

it wasnt a question; but a statement— and a statement that melted through that barrier of secrecy you had been harboring, urging a whole new wave of tears to come flooding.

all you could do was nod, soft sobs wracking your body and interfering with your speech.

he shushed you softly, pulling you back in to let you cry into his chest. “its okay,” he whispered. “its okay. i know, baby.. i know.”

when you were done, you were hiccuping, and there was no doubt your face would be puffed up.

“we need counseling, dont we, shou?”

he let out a gentle, breath-like laugh.

“yeah. yeah, we do. but thats okay. we can get through this.”

you smiled.

“together,” you mumbled.

“together, he repeated.

[gcldenchild]

let it be known that goldie is not okay by any stretch of the imagination. 

as shown in the ask post, he has some serious mental health issues. his most pressing? his suicidal tendencies and thoughts. this covers how those came to be, and how they’ve affected him throughout his life.

to say that he’d always dealt with it is inaccurate, but it certainly has been persistent for a good portion of his life, even before the attempt at transmutation.

at first, it was only the thoughts. they were minor, of course. after his mom died and he and al were truly left orphaned, ed had wondered if it was because he existed that their dad left. hohenheim was crying in that one photo they had together, after all. it always stuck at the back of his mind, and thus began the fantasizing in order to somehow justify what had happened to him and his brother.

he grew a mild fascination with death. constantly envisioning what it would’ve been like if he’d never been born- or died before he could damage his parents relationship somehow- and how al would’ve lived afterwards.

how al would’ve felt having a normal family to take care of him for his whole childhood, instead of it being completely taken away when he was only four. 

part of it stemmed from an inherent longing to see his mother again in some fashion, twisted into childlike fantasies where he’s the one to die first and watches on from whatever kind of heaven he’d go to, reunited when the rest of his family passed on. peacefully.

he didn’t want to deal with grief anymore, but he couldn’t deny his true reality. their mother was gone, their shithead father was nowhere to be seen, and the house was unbearably lonely. things began to get overwhelming. he’d begun to grow slightly delirious in his study of alchemy. 

most of it is masked as enthusiasm. it becomes a subconscious habit to talk about alchemy with a fake sense of determination, in order to fool the people around him into believing he wasn’t losing his mind understanding the greater world of science ahead of him, with every single word he’d read swirling around in his brain as he attached it all to the fading face of his father.

yock island, though instilling a certain lesson, does intense damage to his psyche. it was the first time he’d started to grow uncomfortable with his own fascinations. at this point, it wasn’t his own life at stake- it was al’s, too. he’d already started losing it by studying things for days on end, but nearly starving to death with his brother really put things into perspective. 

he learned the meaning of all is one and one is all, but the cost could not be justifiable. not when a pool of fear stirred in his gut constantly, him finally aware of the true nature behind all his “harmless” fantasies. 

he tried to shut them out. to ignore them. and then izumi had to go and warn them to never commit the taboo of human transmutation. 

something broke in ed the day he even suggested that they try to find a way to crack human transmutation. so much had grown. he’d barely been able to get up that morning. even still, he acted like everything was normal. like he wasn’t struggling to even stand, being crushed under the weight of his spiraling, pent up emotions and thoughts.

he just talks with al, and something in him just... breaks. completely. he can’t bear the weight of it all anymore, and he finally talks, from the darkest recesses of his soul.

“i think we could bring mom back.”

he wishes al could’ve known better. he regrets ever saying those words, ever pushing his brother to help him with it all, ever placing his hands on that transmutation circle. 

for a brief moment, he feels like he dies. it’s almost satisfying, to him. and then he wakes up in the fucking gate, truth taking his leg as payment. and then- the fucking thing they brought to life, for the cost of al’s whole body and his leg. it spits blood, reaches out at him, and he has to literally resist the urge to retch and let himself bleed out.

he only continues for al. to get al back. al didn’t deserve this. he was only ten, damnit. 

it gets worse. he screams during his automail surgery, ranting about anything he can think of, trying to keep himself breathing. trying to push through it all for alphonse. everything is boiling over, and he can’t handle it. 

he slowly begins to develop anger as a protective shield. it’s the only way he’s able to shut everything in his head up. the only time it begins to boil over to a point he can’t control is when he can’t bring himself to be angry.

ed still cared for other people, no matter how much he tried to ignore it. he still does good things out of his own natural moral code. unfortunately, though, being that nice? it actively hurt him, because it lets the chaos spiraling in his stomach return. he’d barely be able to get up the next day without a solid thirty minutes of extra “sleep.”

his naps become ways for him to cope with the hellish cacophony. it’s just so much easier to yell and not acknowledge the fact that people want to help him, no matter how much he may need it. 

when nina happens, the nightmare that follows- although not the first of its kind- is one of the only ones to render him inconsolable upon waking. he can’t just go back to sleep, but he can’t talk, either. he has to sit through it, with his heightened breath, the heavy feeling in his chest practically choking him the entire time.

he shuts people out. he shuts his own brother out. the normal facade serves its purpose well.

when scar almost kills him, he is pained to say that the conflict in his head is wildly disproportionate.

living for al’s sake is outclassed by the want to die.

it’s the first example of his thoughts breaking out from their prison. he was ready to accept death, above all else. and then al punches him for being stupid. with everything having already snapped, he can only respond as if he were a deer in headlights, unable to truly comprehend the situation.

things just get worse. and worse. and worse. he can’t cope with it all. his anger keeps exploding, trying to protect him from himself. to keep him from going through with some of those thoughts and just sacrificing himself to get his own brother’s body back, as if the world would be better off without him.

to an extent, he was convinced it would. he never acted upon it consciously, however.

ed would never make a direct attempt. he’d do stupidly self-sacrificial things sometimes, yes, but he’d never try to kill himself outright. he wouldn’t want al to see- al had already had enough death in his life, and ed didn’t want to burden him with both his own death and the fact he was his own murderer at once.

this doesn’t stop the fantasies from getting worse. though. nor does it stop him from looking at himself in the mirror, hallucinating both the feel and sight of choking himself. (not like that would be the only way, though, of course. he’d imagined so many, over and over, and they played in his head constantly.)

he thinks about it so, so much. al is the only thing to keep him grounded. his little brother is the only being that grounds him.

it doesn’t stop him from doing things to harm himself, though. when he’s alone, he finds himself knocking against the side of his own head hard or pulling on his hair to intentionally cause pain. his head becomes sensitive, but only because hes desperate to do anything to drown everything out.

one could even find scratch marks along his arm from when he gripped onto it too hard during one of his fits, paired with the tips of his automail having a sharper edge. he hates letting people see those, but at least they’re faint. he can play them off as simple wounds from getting into a fight. the bruises are a different story, but its not as if he cant make something else up to explain them.

he panics when people see through his facade, and retaliates with even worse anger. he goes on the attack like a caged animal because deep down, he WANTS help. it’s just hard for him to even receive it before he’s been completely, utterly broken for that day.

being separated from al is debilitating.

even though he knows that alphonse can handle himself, it still does not change the fact that he’s become unhealthily dependent on him. al is his entire reason for living, and being far from that tether eats away at what composure he has left.

when he’s impaled, he wasn’t even sure if what he was going to do would even work. to envision himself as a philosopher’s stone? he’d never had that sort of a handle on his own soul before.

as he’d seen with envy, though, the yelling of everything inside him, screaming to be let out perfectly matched the stones of the homunculi. ed saved his own life, only letting himself live for alphonse, wherever he may have gone.

the months of being separated are fucking torture.

or, at least, they are, for only a while. by the time he was in alenthaal, ed had grown ... unnaturally hopeless. even though he looked fine, almost everyone in town saw through his mask.

luitumi is the one to break him first.

“edward?” “yeah, whats up, luitumi?” “you don’t need to pretend anymore.”

he’s completely dumbfounded. she attacks him right at his core. naturally, he puts up his shield, trying to force her out. to get her away from his problems. and then she fucking takes his normal hand, squeezes it, and looks at him with those unwavering glass eyes, and he breaks. 

it’s all let out at once. every thought swirling around manifests as panicked crying, yelling, whining- really, anything he can verbalize. he says “you don’t know anything,” and she shuts him up completely by saying “i wouldn’t be talking to you if i didn’t, edward.”

she doesn’t destroy his shield. she takes the other route of forcing him to put it down.

ed still doesn’t remember a lot from that day, other than the feeling of being hugged by multiple people at once. the entirety of team lazarus.

emotionally drained, he can barely get up the next day, too. but instead of suffering through it by himself, he can feel a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him through it. 

he’d fallen asleep inside the living room, and lucaun and carson were waiting for him the next morning. luitumi was making food with yularosá, and cobalt was talking with heinkel and darius and greed.

it’s ... sickeningly domestic.

and yet, it wasn’t something he’d experienced since mom died. he hadn’t felt this familial safety since then, not even at the rockbell house. luitumi had broken down his walls in a single night, most likely fueled by whatever emotions charity had been able to pick up on, and now the rest of the people who could be considered “friends” in this fucking town are doing what they can to help.

talking with any of them about his feelings becomes mandatory. they don’t give him a choice, and for some reason, he can’t bring himself to fight it. the better part of him knows that he needs it.

at first, its twice a day. usually luitumi and lucaun handle it. cobalt and carson deal with his constantly presenting daddy issues, though. carson knew the feeling of growing up with a dad who didn’t love him (and, initially, no dad at all), and cobalt knew the feeling of fucking hating his own father. 

his need for a parental figure slowly dies down. cobalt will never be a father to him, just like mustang, but he’s okay with that. cobalt doesn’t have any legal standing over him unlike the colonel, and he’s a lot more fucking comfortable with that.

cobalt doesnt have to pretend like he’s a father in any capacity for ed. what he does is out of his own heart, not because he sees ed as a ward.

at least, that’s what ed believes. and he likes it like that. people not pretending to be things they aren’t helps him shut away that one need.

it moves to once a day. he trails them a lot. his attachment issues come into presence, but they keep reminding him that its okay to need someone. slowly but surely, he’s able to deal with being left alone, though not for very long.

it moves to every other day. his thoughts are a lot less loud than he remembers them being. 

it moves to only twice a week. the first time ed doesn’t artificially smile is for their christmas and new years celebrations, when luitumi drags him into the dancing circle with her. the whole thing reminds him of some of the celebrations they used to have in resembool in the summer. he says he’s not a good dancer, but luitumi doesn’t care. he lets her take the lead for the start, and just like everything else in his life, he learns fast. 

he finally begins smiling, completely free of his thoughts for once. he actually has fun that isn’t tethered to everything he’s been building up for over these many years.

alenthaal becomes his safe place. “whats said in alenthaal, stays in alenthaal.” he genuinely believes it to be true.

when the promised day draws closer and closer, he promises to come back. it’s not just al he’s living for, anymore. he’s living for this town, too, full of people who make him feel safe. 

when al sacrifices himself to bring his arm back, it sets ed back what feels like years. his anger returns, completely unstoppable, and his one focus is to kill father. and then greed dies. 

it just gets worse. even with the bastard gone, his progress is still set back significantly.

he yells at hohenheim. calls him a rotten father. he didnt want to deal with any of that self sacrificial garbage, not because that was the man who left them, but because thats exactly what ed does.

he thinks. thinks so, so hard. finally, he draws out the circle, everything finally becoming clear.

he sacrifices his own alchemy. ed doesn’t need it anymore, not when it’s caused him and his brother so much pain.

he has the town of alenthaal. he has his friends. he has his family.

who needs alchemy, when he’s got them?

and he beats truth, in his own special way. al is brought back. even though they spend months in rehabilitation, ed’s head is so much clearer than its ever been.

he returns home resembool. everything was worth it. 

when he visits alenthaal once again, luitumi’s changed. she’s permanently merged with charity as a result of the promised day. they become two extremes- a complete lack of any alchemy at all, and a newfound power that still has so much unknown alchemy to tap into. even still, they share that hug, ed having kept his promise to not die.

he does his best to be more open. alenthaal is his safe haven, but having more than one isn’t impossible.

in the time before he goes off to the west, he tries to open up, bit by bit. its hard. the thoughts aren’t gone, and he knows they never will be. he’ll still have times where he’s rendered useless by them all, but this time, winry and al are there to help. 

his emotions are genuine. his smiles are genuine. he doesn’t have to fake anymore. 

when decides to study alchemy in the west, he knows every possible risk. he continues, despite the danger, because this would be his way of coming to terms with what happened to hohenheim. he ties alchemy to him, and even in death, that doesn’t change.

his father is gone. his father was one of the greatest alchemists the world had seen.

so ed will just overcome him, even without being able to perform alchemy anymore. he’ll prove that he’s more than just his kid. he’ll make his dad proud, as much as he hates calling him by that name.

luitumi joins him on his journey. they ground eachother. neither will have to deal with their pain alone, not this time. ed knows suffering through it isn’t an option for him anymore.

the thoughts will return, once in a while. 

ed no longer shuts them out at this point. he lets them be, allowing them to stir until the mental soup is done. until his head finally becomes clear.

[lala-baby]

just to keep track of this

verbal

insulting things she knew I liked or was insecure about as a “joke”, especially my body

constantly insulting my intelligence and saying that she’s never met anyone as stupid as me, including saying that nobody else did things I did (e.g choking on spit occasionally)

speaking to me in a demeaning way (“go be a good little bitch and do X” “you can give me £xx for that since you’re using it” “know your place, bitch”)

Angrily criticizing me for things that weren’t my fault (and in a lot of cases were actually her fault)

telling me she doesn’t want control of me despite her actions completely contradicting that

calling me a nympho if i showed any kind of sexual interest, and occasionally telling other people that i was to try to embarrass me (like veda/stacey)

yelling at me for petty things like if I got water on the worktop after washing up

calling me a man or saying I was manly to me/others, or referring to me as a troll or a hog

saying i was too sensitive if i said i didnt like her shouting at me/calling me names etc and she was just being “brutally honest” because i wouldnt listen to her otherwise

calling me a narcissist

calling me arrogant if i didnt listen/disagreed with her

saying i had selective hearing when i genuinely didnt hear her say something (she may not even have said it and just been fucking with me)

bringing up ancient grievances at every opportunity (e.g when i gently tried to suggest that she might be a hypochondriac because its not normal to constantly want to go to the hospital)

making threats about hitting me if i did something she didnt like

shouting at me for crying if she’d upset me

deliberately saying nonsensical shit to win arguments since it cant be argued with (word salad)

having to win at absolutely everything and generally being adversarial

telling me that i can do things/that she wont stop me but then getting jealous and angry making it too difficult to continue

calling me arrogant and saying i was deliberately ignoring her if i didnt hear her because i was concentrating on something on my phone, usually followed by threatening to smash it

Telling me I was a cunt

Being deliberately transphobic to try and upset me

Saying my haircut made me look like I had downes syndrome

physical

hitting me for fun and then telling me it didn’t hurt and I was a pussy, even if bruises formed afterwards and were pointed out to her (she just continued to deny doing it or laughed at me)

holding me down and forcing medication into my mouth, giving me a panic attack so severe she thought i was having an anaphalactic reaction and called 999

Forcing me to drink herbal cough medicine that tasted vile because she said it was the only one that worked for me, even when I didn't really have a cough

using her security training to restrain me for no good reason other than to demonstrate her strength, while telling me I was weak

not allowing me to, or making it too difficult for me to make my own food choices leading to me putting on a huge amount of weight

controlling my medication/using it as an excuse to gaslight me (“these meds are making you act like a cunt, im taking you to get them changed” if I said no or disagreed with her, dictating when i took them/what dose i took, telling me certain medications wouldnt work for me because they didnt work for her and that the prescriber didnt know what they were talking about)

picking her stank-ass belly button and holding me down and forcing her fingers up my nose (what the fuck)

biting me hard enough to leave marks

controlling when i was allowed to sleep and getting angry and calling me lazy if i was tired, but also often waking me up throughout the night insisting that i was snoring and had to turn over /go sleep on the couch

forcing me to sleep under a duvet even though i sleep badly with them and making a big fuss if i refused

“jokingly” burning me with a lighter (though not inflicting actual burns)

Sitting on me to the point of restricting my airways

Pulling my hair

sexual

holding me down and sucking/biting my neck painfully hard even when I was yelling at her to get off of me and had warned her beforehand not to do that because i hated it and it hurt me (and insisting that it wasn’t hurting me, then mocking me/being angry afterwards)

deliberately giving me love bites against my will in places i couldn’t hide them, especially if i was due to see my family to try to embarrass me

telling me that it was my own fault for not being relaxed enough if I wanted to stop penetration because it was hurting and continuing despite my discomfort; getting angry/frustrated if I continued to say no/still didnt enjoy it to the point where i had to wait until I couldn't take it any more to get her to stop

saying that the reason I couldn’t orgasm from sex with her was because I masturbated too much and “banning” me from it for months at a time, then accusing me of not following orders and lying to her if i still couldnt orgasm

putting me on a “sex ban” if I didn’t do what she wanted in day to day life

saying inappropriate things to others, including my parents, alluding to our sex life

having inappropriate conversations about my body with the elderly man we were caring for in front of me, despite knowing that he had sexually assaulted me in the past

angrily insisting that she knew what she was doing and I didn’t have to tell her if I tried to communicate about how things felt

insisting that she had brought me to orgasm when she hadn’t, and that she knew because she could “taste the difference” and I must just not have felt it because my body didn’t work right, to the point that I believed her and thought there was just something wrong with me

insisting that “all /none of the other girls I’ve been with were like that” to try and guilt me about things I had no control over (genital appearance etc)

financial

making me spend the weekends (friday to monday) with her but complaining that I used all her electric/water/etc. when challenged about how much it was actually costing she said i didn’t know anything about how much things cost because “mummy and daddy had always paid everything for me”, and wouldn’t stop being nasty/aggressive until I gave in

making me buy her food shopping with my savings /using my savings as a free resource to be dipped in to at any time when she had spent her own money

making me buy her things or contribute towards buying things for her flat (hundreds regularly) through guilt /empty promises of repayment/getting me stuff when i moved out

telling me that I only give a shit about money and that I’m obsessed with it if I tried to say no to any financial demands

pressuring me to pay for holidays for us on the understanding that she would provide the spending money, but using her benefits payment instead of saving up for it so I ended up having to give her more money after the holiday so she could still eat/pay bills

not bothering to pay her bills/debts, knowing that it would worry me and that i would end up paying them off for her

buying me presents I didn’t want or need as a way to control me (either through guilt or just buying me things like tracksuits that she knew i didnt want to wear but would feel obligated to because she wanted to control how i dressed), but then getting the money off of me for them to pay for her bills etc as she had run out

becoming angry if I tried to donate anything she had bought for me, including things like children’s toys that she insisted I needed for my “autism”

pressuring me to buy ostentatious gifts (e.g nintendo switch, televisions) for her niece and nephew, usually in the range of hundred of pounds, and then taking credit for it as if she had spent her own money (her justification for this was that she had already spent all of her own money on presents /food /etc for me)

refusing to save/claiming she couldnt save and was “happy as long as she had a fiver in her pocket” because money didnt matter to her, to the point that she had no savings and my family and i had to help her buy furniture etc for her flat

psychological/emotional

being nasty about aspects of my appearance until I gave in and changed it (e.g piercings, hair)

pretending that she had no control over her temper, to the point that she claimed to have “blackouts” of rage where she would come round having seriously injured someone but have no memory of it

telling me it was creepy that I kept my pets ashes and threatening to get rid of them/saying i wasnt bringing them with me when i moved in with her

accusing me off loving my pets more than I loved her, despite causing me to be unable to bond with them properly due to the constant stress I was under

telling other people embarrassing /personal things about me that she found funny, usually in front of me, to try and embarrass me

smugly telling me “I know you better than you know yourself” at every opportunity and generally eroding my sense of self

belittling my likes /interests and replacing them with what she wanted me to like /be interested in - everything from clothes to food to shower gel to music to who I was friends with

trying to convince me to use sperm donated from a fucking facebook page like some kind of insane person

planning to use me to have a child and then send me off to work so she could stay at home on her arse for the rest of her life but framing it as “you can go have a career and ill take care of the baby :)”

accusing me of cheating on her constantly with anyone she perceived as a threat to my obedience (e.g regan, sophie), despite her being the one constantly texting her exes (which i never had a problem with because i trusted her for some goddamn reason)

not allowing me to make friends with anyone she didn’t like and lying to me about them/their motivations to turn me off of them (she claimed to be a good judge of character) - again, regan and sophie

lying constantly in general but making it so that disagreeing with her or calling bullshit would make my life hell and it would get brought up weeks or months down the line

constantly telling me my breath stank (nobody else has ever said that and my dentist literally said my teeth are perfect last time i went), claiming it was because i only drank water and that wouldnt hydrate me (????) and constantly forcing me to drink tea or lucozade (neither of which i would drink given the choice) in large quantities

constantly talking about her work history and forensic history with a sense of pride(assault with intent, gbh, abh, criminal damage, etc etc) and about how badly she’d hurt people in the past, I think to leave me in no doubt as to her capabilities

warping my perception of reality by aggressively denying that things had/hadn’t happened, to the point that I didn’t know what was real and became dependent on her to tell me

using love as a means of control (“you’re meant to love me, I’m your girlfriend” if I tried to assert boundaries/did anything she perceived as insubordinate etc)

bagging up any belongings (except the stuff she wanted to keep for herself) I had at her flat and saying we were over and to come get my shit if I wasn’t obeying her enough

getting suspicious/irritated if I tried to take a bath or use the toilet with the door closed

constantly accusing me of hiding things from her

forcing me to strip naked to allow her to check my body for evidence of self harm

making me use her dirty bath water if I needed one, to “save water” (despite already taking money from me for the water bill)

trying to make me suspicious of the mental health professionals in charge of my care and make them seem untrustworthy or that their opinion was worthless (e.g saying they were wrong about my Dx, therapy won’t work for me, “you don’t have to do every little thing your care coordinator tell you to do it’s just SUGGESTIONS, they’re just trying to control you” etc)

insisting on coming to all my appointments with me so i didnt get to speak to anyone on my own

trying to control my family relationships, e.g making me phone my parents but ensuring that she was there to witness whatever was said, to the point that my family were afraid to voice their concerns about the relationship in case i cut contact with them

constantly posting cringey “romantic” bullshit on Facebook, including buying flowers etc for the sole purpose of showing off what a great girlfriend she was, and becoming angry if I didn’t respond in exactly the right way (not enough kisses etc) for “making her look a cunt ”

getting her niece and nephew to call me auntie lauren and constantly referring to me as her wife from only a few months into the relationship so that i would feel more committed than i was and less able to leave

blaming me and getting angry if the flowers she bought me died too early

getting angry if I didn’t sleep with the multitude of teddies she’d brought me/have them on display at all times and angrily demanding to know why she had wasted her money

constantly telling me that I was doing the things she had to me to do like an idiot, e. g hanging up washing, and taking it down and redoing it in a way that was not discernibly different

always threatening to break up with me if I didn’t toe the line, saying there was no point in us being together and that she didnt need me and wouldnt miss me, and that shed finally have less stress and a tidy flat

saying i was hard work and belittling my intelligence if i asked her how she wanted me to do one of the really specific chores she would make me do

badly neglecting her fish by not performing water changes or removing dead fish to the point that they would literally all die before going out and getting a load more, but not letting me care for them instead despite me pleading her and buying things to make it easier for her to do (e.g an expensive water testing kit that would have lasted her years); getting angry at me if i went behind her back to try to care for them by waking up early to do a water change etc and accusing me of being a smartarse for thinking i knew more about fish than she did when i literally studied animal management at college and actually did know more than her

using me like a slave to clean up her flat/do her washing up/take her mountains of rubbish out by angrily telling me that I had made the mess the previous weekend so she had left it waiting for me (this eventually lead to her having nearly 30 bags of months old rain soaked waste on her balcony one winter that she made me take down myself because “the rubbish is YOUR job and it’s your rubbish too, Ive only ever asked you to do one thing for me and you’re so lazy you won’t even do that blah blah blah”)

telling me to do important things “later” in a way that was framed as her being nice but was actually just more convenient for her /she knew would result in the thing not getting done because she didnt want me doing it

repeatedly breaking my toilet in Nelson House by insisting on flushing her tampons down sand saying that thats what you’re supposed to do, to the point that the toilet was eventually removed, then telling everyone I broke it by having a big shit. as sharing toilets was a mental health difficulty for me I had to suffer for months before being able to move rooms because of this

washing one of my outfits in with her own washing, acting all nice and then later saying that because she had done that for me I had to do a mountain of housework for her

making me go to a&e with her constantly (multiple times a week sometimes) and getting very angry at me if I tried to point out that she didn’t need to go; expecting me to go along with whatever lies she told people about what happened (e.g saying her blood pressure was extremely high and dangerous when it had come back completely normal)

forcing me to spend the weekends at her flat whether I wanted to or not, to the extent that my housing benefit and tenancy at nelson house was put at risk

alternately praising and demeaning my support worker depending on what she had advised me about our relationship (she was leas friend/flying monkey and would switch between saying lea was abusing me and that she was good for me)

making false accusations to the police and sanctuary about me “watching videos of babies being raped” on the darkweb in an attempt to get me to kill myself because i was starting to break away from her control

breaking up with me because i sent someone she didnt like a text after being banned from talking to her all weekend

banning me from talking to people and constantly checking to see if i was or not

taking an “overdose” (it was 25mg of diazepam lol) to try and get me to go crawling back to her

saying that I snored and forcing me to use all kinds of expensive and extremely uncomfortable anti snoring medication /devices, and then usually waking me up in the middle of the night and kicking me out anyway (but getting offended if i suggested sleeping separately from the start)

acting indifferent to my presence and alternating between saying she loved me and that she didn’t need me and wouldn’t miss me if i was gone

forcing me to disclose traumatic things even if I said i wasn’t comfortable speaking to her about it (guilt trips), and then using those things against me/miraculously having the same thing happen to her but ten times worse

gossiping about me with one of my support workers and using that support workers opinion to give legitimacy to her attempts to control my decisions

making me sleep next to the open bedroom door (in her usual spot) when i was unwell despite knowing it terrified me

blaming my behavior on diagnosis she had given me herself (“it’s your autism/bipolar” etc) and insisting i didnt have bpd because “thats just what they diagnose you with when they dont know what to do with you”

making me give her massages/wash her hair and body/squeeze her back spots/shave her legs /cut her toenails for her more or less every night and getting aggressive/sulking if i didnt want to

blaming physical ailments (that she demonstrably didn’t have and who’s severity /presentation changed on a very convenient basis) as an excuse to make me do things for her

putting me under huge amounts of pressure to perform “correctly” for her at all times or be harshly berated, ultimately driving me to attempt suicide several times because there was no escape from her nastiness

telling me that her family didn’t like me /disapproved of our relationship if she couldn’t get her own way and saying they wanted her to leave me because I was x y or z

Repeatedly telling a story about her dad (who has a violent history and had been in prison for attempted murder) threatening to burn down an ex girlfriends workplace and finding it hilarious that her ex was too scared to go to work for weeks

dismissing my concerns about anything as not a big deal or getting angry about me bringing them up, even serious things (e.g a sexual assault)

deliberately provoking me when I had told her to stop because my mental health was bad and i didnt feel able to control my reactions, because she enjoyed the drama /going to the hospital /getting attention from playing the long suffering loyal girlfriend role

only ever treating me with kindness if I had made a suicide attempt/done something dangerous to myself, and then using that against me later (”you put me through hell and im still always there for you so why cant you x y or z”)

blaming her being “in crisis” on me/my poor mental health (and not even being in crisis to begin with)

never saying sorry for hurting me, ever, even when proven “wrong” about something in front of impartial third party who insisted she should apologize for it

getting angry at me for googling any of the ridiculous things she said if I wasn’t sure it was accurate

making me go to a&e/doctors /mental health team when I didn’t want or need to be there because she enjoyed the attention she received as my partner

being angry at me for bring “constantly” on my phone and accusing me of texting other people instead of paying attention to her/whatever was on tv

getting angry if I didn’t want to watch whatever she was watching on tv (she would still be watching it but would get angry if I didn’t pay enough attention)

constantly trying to one-up me with her mental health/dismiss my concerns about how i was feeling and calling me self-centered because she had everything so much worse but was still “getting on with it”

demanding that i always answer the phone to her, and calling multiple times a day to keep tabs on me, usually keeping me talking for 2-3 hours daily whenever i wasnt staying at hers. it got to the point that it was pointless for me to try to do anything because i would start and then she would interrupt. if i didnt answer she would continually call the office claiming to be worried about me

trying to stop me from drinking, going to the extent of telling my parents she thought i had a drinking problem (i objectively didnt) because she didnt want me to spend time with a housemate she was jealous of because we actually had fun

expecting me to drop everything even when I was unwell to help care for an elderly man (who at one point sexually assaulted me), including regularly cleaning up urine/feces from the walls/floor because she didnt want to do that part, despite me saying that we werent trained and didnt have the correct ppe, and if we kept going above and beyond for him social services werent going to put a proper care plan in place for him. includes countless hours at hospital etc

buying me a shirt with a a swear word printed prominently on it and getting angry when I said it would be inappropriate to wear to a care home in case they kicked me out, and forcing me to do it anyway because she wanted brian (old man) to see it

lying about the value of gifts she’d brought me as a means of control/guilt (e.g earrings that she’d told me were £60, getting angry when i accidentally damaged one but when i went to get one fixed the guy said they weren’t worth more than £10 and would cost more to repair than replace)

insisting she couldn’t wait to rehome our cats (and taking the money for them despite the fact that i paid for them and their stuff) and giving them to a stranger despite knowing it would be a matter of weeks before i would be in a position to take them myself, because she couldn’t be bothered to look after them

deciding that we were getting guinea pigs (i wanted something else) and saying that caring for them would be split equally with one belonging to her and one to me, and that she would take them with her when she moved out, but only ever cleaning them once and then leaving me to care for them exclusively

complaining and calling me needy whenever i tried to show any kind of affection

accusing me of not trusting her when i did implicitly like an idiot

blaming all the problems in the relationship on me and whenever i brought up something that was upsetting me telling me that i did it to her too but worse

taking credit for me “getting gobby”/becoming less introverted and saying she was a good influence on me, despite having nothing to do with it (and that not being true, I was just settling in to the house)

having to sit in darkness because she wouldn’t let me open the blinds because she said having them open would damage her tv

if i was ever angry/irritated saying i was “hangry” and taking the piss, encouraging me to comfort eat and then acting smug when it calmed me down

saying that she hopes my friend dies and that she deserves to die when she was in a coma

trying to turn a mutual friend against me after she broke up with me, to the point that the friend refused to repeat what she'd said but told me she was dangerous and to stay away from her

expecting me to drop everything and make her cups of tea whenever she wanted, and making me remake them if they weren’t perfect /getting angry if I said i was busy

particularly saying i had to remake tea because it tasted like soap because i hadnt washed her cup up properly (she would use the same mugs continually until they were absolutely filthy and then leave me to wash them when i was there), often after I definitely had washed them properly but she just wanted to keep me in my place

playing on my fears (of guilt, abandonment etc)

convincing me to change my mind about what i wanted through compliments etc (e.g saying i looked much better wearing whatever she wanted me to wear)

expecting me to know what she wanted at all times without being asked and generally to be able to read her mind, and getting angry and claiming that i should know what she wanted because i was her girlfriend and that she always knew what i wanted and did everything for me blah blah blah

getting angry when i suggested couples therapy and saying it would be pointless because i would just blame everything on her

accusing me of “thundering around” and having heavy footsteps when i was just walking normally so I got so paranoid i had to tiptoe everywhere

refusing to clean up to the point that she got cockroaches, then refusing to acknowledge that it was because she kept leaving dirty dishes etc out and blaming it on her neighbours or on me, and then refusing to do anything about it so i had to pay for the poison and put it out repeatedly etc and make sure I cleaned up after her every time I came over so they wouldn't keep coming back

getting extremely frustrated when trying to accomplish simple tasks (usually diy related) but getting really angry and me when i offered help and accusing me of thinking she was an idiot (she was being an idiot a lot of the time, not reading instructions/using powertools in dangerous ways etc). it was scary and she would sometimes break things that i had bought out of frustration if she couldnt get them to work right (the cat cage & ball track toy for example)

refusing to prepare at all for when she moved out of nelson house so i had to do it, and then refusing to unpack her stuff at the other end in the hope that i would do that too

refusing to let me report an incidence of child abuse that happened in a neighbouring flat to hers because she was friends with the father and said the child deserved it

refusing to let me take the bus at times (she did pay for taxis for me but given the amount of money she took from me i might as well have been paying for them) even when i wanted to and acting like by not giving me a choice she was doing me a favour. in retrospect i think she wanted to know that i was going straight home

always asking me where i was, who i was with and sometimes accusing me of lying about it, either way trying to make my life hell

trying to encourage me to stay on my own and ignore my housemates but phrasing it in a cutesy way (just make a cup of tea and shut your door and have a nice night to yourself without any drama) so it sounded less like she was trying to be controlling

ringing me every night to confirm that i was in bed when i said i would be and making me video call her if she didnt believe me

telling me gossip about mutual friends that wasnt even true because she loved the drama (e.g saying venetias children had died because they had been born deformed)

constantly slagging off her exes and telling fantastical stories about how they broke up/stalked her/abandoned her/abused her and about the triumphant ways she got back at them

generally always telling incredibly unbelievable stories that made her look either “good” (e.g “taking down a squaddie in front of his mates”, sleeping with a nurse while both on duty) or made her out to be the illest (claiming to have had a psychotic break, coughing up a kidney stone)

virtue signalling with brian while also being controlling towards him/explaining things to him in a way that he would do what she wanted/saying “oh he won’t mind, he’d tell us to do it if he were here” when she used his card to buy us lunch etc (yeah he probably would have but that isnt the point)

getting angry if i ever discussed our relationship with anyone else, saying it was none of their business/i was trying to make her look like a cunt; telling me not to tell anyone after she did horrible things

promising things about the future and then never delivering any of it

saying that she wouldnt be the one carrying our children, trying to tell me that getting sperm from facebook was safe and generally treating me like a walking uterus

ending lies/false promises with “you know i will/do/am” to try and enforce to me that she was telling the truth

telling me to cancel holidays id paid for/not come over/generally throwing her toys out of the pram when she couldnt get her own way

forcing me to watch murder documentaries, usually about women being murdered by their partners, and getting way too in to it in a way that was a bit creepy

telling me my menstrual cup was disgusting and trying to force me to use tampons instead

making a big fuss about how she used to ~be an alcoholic~ and that she cant drink because it makes her a nasty person, and then buying a load of beer and vodka when the relationship wasnt going well and saying shed fallen off of the wagon because of me

constantly telling me i had BO to the point i was really paranoid (nobody else has ever said anything about it)

bullying me into letting her smoke in my room

throwing her rubbish on to my floor constantly because she was too lazy to pick it up, so i had to

constantly talking about how against domestic violence she was, saying she'd never hit a woman and how she had been a victim of it to make me think what she was doing wasnt abuse

doing small things for me that I found difficult because of my mental health (e. g phone calls) and then holding it over my head

telling me that i was incapable of love, and that the only person i loved was myself because of how selfish i am

deliberately killing two bees that I was enjoying watching by stomping them into the pavement then laughing at me when I was upset about it

[cheekybluefox]

160 Prompt List

1. Why are we at a strip club? 2. I’m sorry, you said what to your teacher? 3. Am I dead? 4. Its always been you. You and always you. 5. Stay with me. 6. How about we put the gun down, and we talk about this? 7. I came here to kick ass and chew gum, and I’m all out of gum.. 8. Whatever it is, I didn’t do it. 9. Am I supposed to be impressed? 10. Don’t tempt me. 11. Is that mine? 12. I can’t do this anymore. 13. Go to hell. - Already been there, but thanks for the invite. 14. Look at me. 15. Where did you get that? 16. Here, take my hand. Everything is going to be fine. Just hold onto me and keep moving. 17. You don’t need to protect me. 18. I had a nightmare about you, and I just needed to make sure you were okay. 19. I told you not to fall in love with me. 20. You know it’s okay to cry, right? 21. I just want to be left alone right now. 22. Those things you said last night, did you mean it? 23. Promise me you come back, just..I need you to promise me. 24. I could tell it was your favorite book by all the notes in the margin. 25. Where do you think you’re going? 26. Despite what you may think, I can look after myself. 27. Just please, be my best friend right now and not the person they I confessed my love to. 28. Well, if you insist. 29. I can’t believe you don’t like Disney films. 30. You’re lucky you’re so cute. 31. Sometimes I really dislike you. 32. Hold my hand, we need to make this look convincing. 33. I’m like 20% sure this plan will work There’s like an 80% chance that it could end in violence and Gore, but this plan is solid, I swear. 34. If I die, I’m coming back to haunt you. 35. If you don’t want to talk about it then just say so; but do not say you are fine, when you so obviously are not. 36. I made cupcakes because I know you like them. 37. My parents asked me about you again. 38. Wait, this is your handwriting? This chicken scratch? 39. I didn’t know you could play. 40. Things don’t always turn out the way you want them to. 41. You two sure you aren’t married? 42. You can’t sit on the sidelines all your life. 43. You deserve so much better. So much more. 44. You haven’t each touched your food, what's going on baby girl? 45. Stay the night. Please. 46. Please pretend to be my boyfriend/girlfriend. I’ll owe you big time. 47. Its midnight. What do you want? 48. You’re strangely comfortable. 49. Don’t fuck with mama bear. 50. I just need you here. 51. How long have you been standing there? 52. Is that what you call an apology? 53.I’ve loved you since I laid my eyes on you. The very moment, I first saw you, and I…oh, fuck it! 54. Just hold me. 55. Can I hold your hand? 56. I just don’t know how to look forward anymore. 57. She’s still alive, she has to be. 58. Get that pretty little butt over here. 59. Is there a special reason as to why you’re wearing my shirt? 60. You’re cute when you’re angry. 61. I didn’t realise I needed your permission. 62. I’m not jealous. 63. Forever is a long time. 64. This is seriously sketchy. 65. I lost the baby. 66. Rude! 67. Let’s blow this joint. 68. Oh, bite me. 69. I haven’t slept in four days. 70. Stop being such a baby. 71. Hey, calm down, its okay. They cant hurt you anymore. 72. I’m too sober for this shit. 73. You can’t banish me! It's my bed too! 74. Good thing I didn’t ask your opinion. 75. Its six in the morning, you’re not drinking vodka. 76. You work for me. You’re my slave. 77. The kids! They ambushed me! 78. You may have to buy my silence. 79. There’s a herd of them. 80. You smell like wet dog. 81. Just smile, for me. Please? I really need to see your smile right now. 82. Just show me what’s behind your back. 83. Take one more step in that direction, and I’ll murder you. 84. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of us. 85. Everyone deserves a second chance. 86. Please don’t cry, I can’t stand to see you cry. 87. You can’t keep pretending that it didn’t happen, cause guess what? It did! 88. I think I’m falling in love with you and it scares the shit out of me. 89. Its cold, take my coat. 90. I’m such a fool for not seeing this earlier. 91. I’m not blind, I’ve seen the way you look at her. 92. Never let them die, they’re the soap opera of my life. 93. Could you just, IDK, stop murdering people for shits and giggles? - Did you just say IDK in a verbal conversation? 94. Sleep in your car if you don’t want the sofa. 95. We bet on it. You lost. Now you have to do it. 96. Let’s get wasted, and go piss on his grave. 97. This is all your fault. - I hope so. 98. Did you just agree with me? No, you said it now, no take backs. 99. Stop doing that thing with your face, its making want to vomit. 100. You’re a psychopath. - I prefer creative. 101. You look… - Beautiful, gorgeous, like a Goddess walking upon the earth. Yes, I know. Now let’s move on. 102. I know, all you want is to go home but you know what? I want to go to Mars. Know what though? It’s never going to happen. Accept it. 103. Nope, can’t go to hell. Satan has a restraining order against me. 104. Get over it. Pussy. 105. It’s three in morning. - yes. Why are you here? - I live here. No, on the floor. With me. 106. I don’t hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water I’d drink it and piss on the ground. 107. You’re judging me. - Yea, its a hobby of mine. 108. FBI! OPEN THE DOOR! -But its so much more fun when you break it down. 109. I’d rather be pecked to death by a flock of woodpeckers. 110. How drunk are you on a scale of one to ten? - Yes. 111. Are you stalking me? - Not in a creepy way. 112. Focus on me. 113. Please don’t waste your tears on him. 114. Ice cream is a good start. 115. Did you just slap me? 116. All is fair in love and war, darling. 117. My vote is on the lemon cakes. 118. Get your dirty ass boots off my nice, clean sheets. 119. I like night time. It's quiet. I can think. 120. Look, there goes my last fuck to give. 121. Why are you walking around naked? 122. Stare at the stars all you want, but you won't find the answer to your problems up there. The real world is down here. 123. I underestimated you. - Classic mistake. 124. How did you manage to get frosting on the lampshade? 125. What’s the worst that could happen? - Famous last words. 126. You want it? Beg. 127. Yes, I heard you. I just don’t care. 128. Eat a bag of dicks. Dick. 129. You’re special to me. 130. If we get caught I’m blaming you. 131. Do not try me right now. 132. You give the best hugs. 133. I swear you love your hair more then me sometimes. 134. Tell me a secret. 135. Shut up or I’ll choke you. - I could be into that. 136. Let’s start with the real questions, tits or ass? 137. You make me nervous. 138. Don’t give me that look. 139. Maybe I did? So what! I don’t have to run everything by you! 140. Tell anyone and I’ll kill you, chop up your body and sell the parts. 141. That’s not your name. 142. Oh, well done. What do you want? A gold star? 143. You like sunflowers right? 144. You game? 145. Just get in the fucking blanket fort. 146. Sorry isn’t gunna help you when I’m kicking your ass. 147. Were you born a dick? Or do you go put of your way to be one? 148. Break her heart and I’ll break your face. 149. Well that was unsettling. 150. Only I can touch you. 151. Don’t tell me to shut up. You shut up. 152. Your mother/father would be so proud. 153. You stole his wallet? - I prefer borrowing without permission. 154. You going to kiss me or what? 155. Die quietly will you? 156. You’re my one. 157. You want it? Come and get it. 158. Why are you wearing Mickey mouse ears? 159. Lock the door next time. 160. Have kids, they said. It’ll be fun, they said.

Hi guys! So I love writing. So I thought I’d try this. I’ll be posting things I’ve thought of myself but I would also love to write things for you guys too. These are the fandom’s I’m happy to write for : - Harry Potter - Game of Thrones - X men - Avengers - Criminal minds - Guardians of the galaxy - Star wars - The hobbit - Lord of the rings. - Once upon a time (s1 - s3A) - Teen Wolf (s1 & s2) - Walking dead ( I watched s1 - s3, then s6 & s7) - Naruto

[dailywords4dailypeople]

ragtag

I already wrote for today, but it was in a personal journal. There are some things that I can never share. There are secrets that make me too vulnerable. I gave Mike a writing prompt. “Things you like about music.” There are so many things that can be said, but the true wonder about music is the part that can’t be said. The part that overtakes you. When your body is overtaken be a single note or a single verse. Let your intuition take control. Music provides a visceral response. There are things I like just because I like the artist. There are songs I don’t like, but then change my mind when I found out who wrote it. Ed Sheeran wrote Justin Beiber’s song for “Sorry,” and knowing that information made me like the music more. My favorite artist is Kudo. Maybe because he is my cousin, or maybe because he is a good ass musician. You know what? I take back what I said earlier. I like music because is it good. But what is “good”? Fuck, who cares. Whatever keeps you listening. Whatever keeps you reading. Fuck Microsoft word. No, that’s not a question. It is a phrase. Not a question. Fuck fuck fuck you you you.

Yes, Microsoft word, I realize that I repeated the word. Thanks for underlining it. Also, fuck you. Now, back to what I was saying.

I listen to Kudo the Kid because his music makes me want to keep listening. His phrase, lyrics, words. I LISTEN AND I LIKE. I wouldn’t listen if I didn’t like it. I would support him in anything he did, but I would only encourage if I appreciated it. I appreciate my cousin. He has remarkable potential and dedication. His flow is well managed. It is the perfect cross over of predictable and unpredictable. In my production and design class, we talked about the necessity for familiarity in a story. You don’t want the audience to be confused. Audiences need to understand and follow along. Throwing in chaos and increasing entropy can make an audience disinterested. People don’t like when they are reminded of how stupid they are; so a performance must be predictable. Foreshadow-able.

You want the audience leaning on the edge of their seats. Give them options that they can spine around in their brain place, and hit them with something they didn’t expect. Ajafjfjkkjklaskmdsmcas

 You are only reading this because I did something right. I only listen to Kudo because he does something right. FUCK THIS EXPLANATION. I CANT PUT THE RIGHT WORDS TO MY FEELS.

SORRY FOR ALL THE LEFT WORDS.

I’M TRYING, AND I NEED TO FAIL, OKAY?

LET ME FAIL AND SEE HOW BAD I FAIL.

Failure makes me better, so I will fail. I will let the failure hurt me. I will let it change me. I will try something and see how it doesn’t work. I will grow. I will try. I will not do. I will get trying until I find what I can do. Then, I won’s stop doing. I’ll do and do. I’ll try everything until I can do something. I’ll be afraid and confused, everything will spill over me. I will have a ragtag of emotions. They won’t make sense, and they’ll hit me all at once. I won’t expect it. I will not be prepared, but I will make the most of the situation. I have to.

I am a student. I ask questions.

What is your definition of creativity? I’ve asked all of my professors that this semester. It was the first thing I asked. The first chance they gave, I raised my hand and asked the question. I wrote down their responses. This is me trying to piece together my chicken scratch notes, so here we go:

//

“Creating is up to you. Create a whole world. How to communicate your thoughts. Anyone can have a good idea; bring those ideas to life.”

“Creating is a synergy of ideas, which is at its best with collaboration.”

“Having your own thought. Using inspiration. Pulling from sources. Being intelligent.”

“Affectively solving problems in an artistic way.”

//

Two I didn’t write down, because I preferred keeping eye contact with them. I proved I could keep eye contact. Another I didn’t write down. Well, I did, but I didn’t. Instead of writing down what she said, I wrote down her response to my question. Not her verbal response… Well, I did write her verbal response just not what she actually said. She started to choke up then increased the pace at which she talked. She stumbled over words and started to blush. It was the kind of blush when the teacher asks you a question and you don’t have an answer. It was the blush that said you should have been prepared for this. You weren’t so your voice cracks, you cough, and look like you need a drink. Water or alcohol. Anything to keep your mind off the current situation.

I don’t like textual communication because then I can’t add in my drawings. I draw pictures to end my day. Words aren’t enough to show my emotion. My response, at times, is to scribble or doodle. I want to paint a picture with my words though. Bring you to where I am. Make you cry when I cry. Make you laugh when I fart. Make you cringe when I curse. Make you hug when I whimper.

I’m doing a monologue for my acting class. My character’s goal is to make the audience give me a hug. I want the audience to care about me and worry about my well-being.

End quote!

“How does a ragtag volunteer army in need of a shower somehow defeat a global superpower?” –Aaron Burr, Hamilton

[needhelpforrealnow-blog]

Here is her story

Okay i need someones help. I have a friend that ive known for almost 10 years she's like my sister. My Dad knew her father and grandmother for years. she, Her father and grandmother live just down the street from me and my family. She would often be at my house practically living there. She even had a bed in my home to sleep in and she even goes as far as calling my mom her mother. The father was the one with custody and he stuggled to provide but what he did have would often go to beer and drugs. she didnt like her father cause to put it bluntly he was an ass. She's told me stories of when her father had choke her almost to the point of blacking out and how when he would try to hit her, the grandmother would step in with a frying pan and said "if you dont stop this right now, and leave her alone then i will use this" he would step forward and she would hit him with no hesitation. The mother wasnt in the picture because she was an alcoholic and a drug addict as well. The father would let the mother spend time with her. Obiously she didnt act terrible because the mother was only going to spend so much time with her daughter. She would buy her stuff she wanted, take her places she wanted to go[that were often funded by one of her many boyfriends] my friend never met the moster she was. She didnt get the off feeling my mom and i would get but didnt know her enough to put our finger on what it was. But the grandmother knew how she really was and didnt allow halie to enter her custody while she was kicking. the grandmother was her saving grace and mother figure. She would cook for her, clean her room and buy anything she needed...but she passed away over a year ago from a heart attack...thats when hell broke loose the demon labled as a mother decided to take custody. Just a few months after the grandmother's death. The mother took the opose his daughter right after he lost his mother but when the judge asked who she wanted to go with. My friend was depressed and only knew her father as an ass and so chose her mother. This is one of her biggest regrets. She absolutely hates her mother. The mother is verbally abusive and is a danger to the public because she often drives drunk with he kids in the car. She's a great actor though so you can never tell the difference between her being drunk and her sober but guess what she recently has refused to feed my friend only ever buying food for her 2 year old son that my friend constantly has to be watching. the mother claiming "i dont feed people who dont love me" the mother forced my friend to break up with her boyfriend because while in an argument the boyfriend texted. She's called her a shit head an idiot. Even going as far as calling her a whore when she found out my brother was providing her food at school because the mother refused to feed her at home. [no strings attached. my brother has a child of his own and has known halie just as long as i have which is close to a decade] Even going as far as threatening to call the cops on my brother and her ex boyfriend. The boyfriend is a year and a half older than her but she threatens to the cops on him because he will turning 18 in june. [its feb 7 at the time this is writen]I have gone to her house too. This was when she was still going to school with me. it was around 10:30 but we went over so we can get some of her clothes that she refused to bring over earlier. When we got there we called to let her know we were outside and when we entered her brother was crying on the bed while the mother was screaming her head off " you woke up the fucking kids! Why the fuck are you coming at fucking 11 at night! What the fuck is wrong with you! You fucking woke him up!" all while picking up some of her sons toys and throwing them aggressively in a corner while my ftiend was trying to let her know that i was there as well. We came and left pretty quickly with the mother still cussing the whole time and the last thing we hear is "you better fucking get your ass back her by tomorrow!" her brother still crying the whole time. Now my friend loves her brother with all her heart. I would imagine so she watches him the majority of the time. Some People where she lives believe that he is her kid. One man saying "i have a boy around the same age as your son" that is how often she watches him almost every single day.  To the point where her son would rather be carried by her than his own mother. Here's another story but this one invovles her son on second thought i share two She was outside with a buddy of hers drinking while her at the time 1 yearold son was inside sick with a fever. My friend wasnt home at the time cause she was at my house Spending the night. She gets a call that her little brother had gotten a seizure because of how high his temperature was! Apparently she didmt know you were suppose to give the medicine every so many hours and pretty much left him and she knew he was haveing a seizure because her buddy saw him through the window! He's fine now so dont worry infact he use to walk on his tippy toes before his seizure and now walks normally! Heres another story with this boy. One time when my friend was taking a shower her mother was passed out on the couch with the sliding door slightly opened. And her 1 year old playing on the floor. He went to the door pushed it even more open and was wondering outside in the rain heading towards the street. My friend had gotten out of the shower not to long after and couldn't find her brother she noticed the door open and look outside to see him heading towards the street with a couple of neighbors try to get him to come to them and away from the street. Sadly but unsurprisingly he doesnt like other people very much often sticking towards his mother but mostly towards my friend. When she saw him she called out to him and he finally came back to their house.And hell as a short bonus: the mother has even driven with her youngest child in the front seat of the car!Now this story is one that happened very recently like feb 5 recently. And to let you know as to why my friend doesnt call the police herself its because My friends phone is not connected so the only way she can talk anyone is through wifi And a app called kik or messager on facebook. Now the app only allows texting and her mother refuses to connect her phone. So even if she wanted to she would beable to call for help and so on sundayI was at home asleep when i felt my phone buzzing like crazy! I look at my phone and i was horrified at what i had been reading. My friend had texted me saying for me to call her dad or to call the cops because her mother threaten to beat her and grabbed her roughly and locked her outside the house and that she had been drinking she was scared to try and call someone else because she would grab her again. Now my friend doesnt like cops and neither do i but to read from her asking for them it made my heart drop to my stomach and i immidietly jumped out of bed and called guyfriend [who had been getting close with halie as well] that i needed a ride right than and there to her house. he lived near by so it was only 2 mins for him to get to my house. I jumped in the car and texting her that i was on the way with our friend. As we were going i called her father and told him what his daughter had texted me. He claimed that his car wasnt working like it always isnt and that he had a friend over but he didnt have gas and when he hung up my friend had texted me saying for me to tell her dad not to believe her mother. The father called back i told my guyfriend to circle around to his house since we hadent left the street yet and when i picked the phone up he said for me NOT to pick her up. My guyfriend had just parked in front of his house. i was confused, he told me that she was just angry over an argument over a boy and to not pick her up. I was furious at what i was hearing and told him that she was obviously distress and that her mother threaten to beat her and he then yelled at me telling me that he heard her 'in the house' and that he's not going to stress over it. I motion for my friend to leave And then he practically shouted in my phone "DONT PICK HER UP!" I wasnt going to argue anymore and all i saw was red. And that last remark so i hung up. I called my mom to let her know i was had to go only to be told she wasnt home to begin with. I told her the situation and my mom calmly told me that she was going to head home and speak with the father befor hanging up. And told mu friend to head to her house. I kept in contact with my friend to make sure she was alright. And the text from that point on went like this:Tell my dad [1:41 pm] Not to listen to her About me and marco She's drunk She wants to make him hate me and him Are you coming or not i couldnt here what my dad said He told me not to pick you up Why not I cant stay here Please convince him Ill walk over there then. Im picking you up. Im not going to try and Convince him Of shit. Is he mad i cant use the fucking phone anne I know and im coming I cant fucking call him cause she's going to get me againYour coming where? To your house I called my mom she sounded calm but said she was going to his house in a bit Are you okay? No im not okay Where r u ? At my moms She left I need to take care of my brother. I know that She left him here Fuck It's whatever My dad doesn't want me over there So it doesn't matter anyways Well we do halie You can't pick me up I can't stay over there I don't even have any clothes I don't know what I'm going to do We're still coming She came back ): Idk if she'll let me What is she doing You want me to call the cops cause i can Just come and if she doesn't let me we'll call the cops We are here [ 2:05 pm]When we got there i was so nervous and angry i couldnt even think straight. And told my friend to start it off i handed him my phone so he can do a voiceHe nocked on the door and mand when she said hello my friend tried to get out out of the house and the mother said"what are you doing? What are you doing?!" "Ima leave"  "your not leaving anywhere get your ass inside. She aint going nowhere. get inside" "my dad said i could leave""YOUR DAD did not send nobody get inside NOW! Get inside now before I FUCKING CALL THE COPS and your ass is going to fucking juvenile" "why?" " YOUR DAD did not call them" "yes he did" "YOUR DAD JUST CALLED me right now. Get your ass inside your dad did not call them your dad said he didnt even have a fucking car to take your ass to school" "you said i cant! I can go." "BECAUSE I HAVE EVRY FUCKING ATHORITY OVER YOU....EVERY AUTHORITY OVER YOU.YOU HAVE NO REASON TO EVEN BE WITH YOUR FATHER BECAUSE HE'S NOT EVEN CAPABLE OF TAKING CARE OF YOU! HE HAS NO FOOD HE'S A DRUG ADDICT AND HE DRINKS! AND YOU WANNA FUCKING LEAVE" "yea" " YEA, I dont care what you want" "okay" "i dont care" durning that argument she called her father "SO YOU SENT ANNE AND another friend of hers to come and pick her up?.....FOR what! Why didnt you tell me that. Why did you tell me that she was going to stay here. So whose going to take her to school? IF YOU dont have a car than whose going to take her to school.......exactly, exactly" "anne can take me" "NO! She is not your responsibility" "she can take me!" "i dont care" "of course you dont" "your staying here. I dont care, your staying here"" no im not" "yes you are""no im not""yes you are...bye chuck" "no im not" "your staying here" "why""because i said so" "why""because I said so because you are not the adult i am and next time you listen to me" "THEN NEXT TIME DONT LOCK ME OUT""WHEN THE FUCK DID I LOCK YOU OUT, YOU LIEING LITTLE SHIT HEAD. MY SON WAS OUT THERE WITH YOU! DID I LOCK YOU OUT" "yEs!" "I JUST STOOD RIGHT THERE INFRONT OF THAT DOOR""not really""cause i asked you to take care of him""YOU LOCKED ME OUT"" OH BUT YOUR WILLING TO GO A MEET FUCKING OTHER RANDOM GUYS LIKE A LITTLE WHORE""i knew you veiwed me as a whore" "GET THE FUCK INSIDE you guys got to gWe waited outside and two cop cares showed up one came to us he was around is early 20's and the other was older mabey 40's but i didnt get a good look cause he just waked pass us to the door. We told the cop how we were worried for our friend and i showed him the text on my phone and told him i had a recording. He told us to wait there and went inside as well when he came back out and told us that my friend and her mother just got in a argument over a boy and said that even though it was in good intentions i should stop the door again. I asked so what was going to happen and he said nothing that tshe's not drunk she's doesnt show signs of abuse so there's nothing to be done and that we're only getting my friends side of the story not the mothers. It was at that point i started to cry. I had failed my friend and quit honestly. Just wanted to scream i looked and my friend to see what we can do and noticed him crying as well. I tried to stop myself from crying thank the officer. He ask which car was ours and when we told him, he took down the rest of our information and wish us a safe trip and went on our way. I have never felt so mentally and emotionlly exhausted. I quit hoestly felt like screaming and crahing the car. The cops took the mothers side they didnt even bother testing her and we didnt even talk to the other cop but the cop talking to us talked to both the mother and us and if was obvious which side they took. I told my friend to take me home and when i got there i just started bawling i wanted that lady gone. I wanted the grandmother back. I just wanted it to be over. I hated i couldnt help my friend when she needed me the most. I texted my friend and she told me that she was sorry and that the mother is lying to the cop and that she was going to literally kill herself ...i told her not to and while i dont believe she would im slowly doubting that belief. This is the guy friend- I made this account cause if you read it all than you can see why we need help. We are backed against a corner and we need help, so if any of you can give us the help than please

[rhythm-to-a-heartbeat]

Chester Bennington Tribute This is for Chester. But this is also for you, if you are personally affected by mental illness in any capacity; whether it's yourself directly affected or a family member or friend. As many of us have heard by now, Chester Bennington died this last week. And not only did he die, but he took his own life. It's strange how much you can feel you connect with someone even if you haven't met them. I've never met anyone from Linkin Park. Yet the way Chester wrote and the way he sang made it is as if I knew him very personally. His music spoke to me. I connected with it in ways I can't explain. The first time I heard them I was 7 years old, still in Texas. "In The End" was playing and I was impressed that my mom knew all the lyrics lol. But the chorus caught my attention immediately and I just remember it sounding so good and so raw. I loved it. Later on as life kept going I explored his music. It really helped me in my teenage years, when my depression really began to surface. I found relief in his music. I felt understood. I felt like I wasn't alone. His music expressed many emotions and words that I didn't have the ability to do myself at the time. I have heard many many stories just like this from other Linkin Park fans, and I absolutely love and admire the impact he made on sooo many people. I also relate with him a little bit on his past and struggles, and his transparency on all the topics of depression, abuse, suicide, and substance abuse have all impacted me in various ways, all different throughout the years. I grew up with this band. I love this band. I still listen to them frequently. Suicide is a very sensitive topic with me. I have been crying on and off for days over all of this, trying to come to grips with the horrible truth. I can't explain the sadness that lingers or the pit that forms in my stomach when I think about it. I've even lost sleep over his death. I've been trying to figure out how to deal with all of it and how I wanted to handle this. Its weird because I've never even been in the same room as him yet I feel such a loss. My heart aches thinking about how he's gone. And how much he must've been hurting before he made that decision. I hate the fact that someone so kind and caring and giving and as loving as he was felt that way. I've struggled with thoughts throughout the years. Some stretches much harder than others. As someone who is diagnosed with depression, the only thing I can really tell you is that it's unpredictable. And it's different for everybody who struggles with it. The factors are endless. And it affects everybody that you love. It's HARD. It hurts. Sometimes it's a nightmare. Sometimes it's a blessing. Sometimes you find somebody who is where you're at, and connecting on that topic and feeling understood about it is the sweetest feeling. Chester helped me feel understood. He gave me hope. He verbally expressed thoughts that I couldn't figure out how to say and audibly expressed feelings I experienced. He helped me feel empowered in ways, I suppose.. He just helped me better understand myself. The other thing I can tell you about depression, is don't do it alone. Please reach out. Please. You are needed. You are loved. And things DO get better. Sometimes you just have to ride things out. But you CANT do it alone, so if you're trying to, stop. Reach.Out. People make us better. And YOU make other people better. If you have a close one to you who is struggling, it really is the little things. Go out to dinner with them. OR, bring dinner TO them! Offer to clean or run errands or exercise with them or stock up their fridge. Take them out to do things or stay in and watch a movie with them. Maybe it's talking it out or maybe it's just sitting in silence with them. People who struggle with mental illness or suicide usually have a hard time expressing themselves. Both because of fear and inability to accurately describe what's happening within them. Educate yourself. You don't have to fix them. It's okay. Just BE with them. Acknowledge them in ways so they see they're more than their depression and they aren't alone. Love each other. Take care of each other. This video..Well, I wanted to do a tribute for him. So I made a mash up of some of my favorite songs from them. I wish I could've done them all. They each speak such important messages. So the ones I chose are ones that i've strongly related with in some way throughout my life. There's a spot in a song where I get choked up from trying not to cry so please just bare with it. Ultimately, I want this to be in celebration of Chester's life, because he made so many people feel loved and understood while he was here. It features the songs (in order): 1. Numb 2. What I've Done 3. Shadow of the day 4. In The End 5. Crawling 6. One More Light I also decided to do the entire version of the song One More Light, because I felt Chester deserved an extra minute or two of recognition for a beautiful and touching song. Rest easy, Chester. ❤️ "As of today, my life's purpose is one of love and understanding. The world needs to change and that change comes from within. Hate, pride, vengeance, and fear are the plague of the earth. Love, kindness, compassion, empathy and service to others are the cure. Let's all choose to be a part of the cure. If we look outside ourselves to find love and peace we will ultimately fail. It has to come from within. Lead by example." - Chester Bennington #ChesterBennington #LinkinPark

[grubhivemind]

JACE: -the past few days have been full of some intense introspection, mixed with all manner of emotion, and some that aren't even his own. he knows what he wants to do, but he can't just do it. he needs to tell people. he needs to quit keeping secrets.- JACE: -it's a little late when he emerges from his room and he'd prefer not to bother his parents right *now* but they weren't the first person on his mind anyway. he starts his search for joel, who... he's fairly certain is still here. he hopes he is.- JOEL: *Definitely still here. Joel finds himself out in the patio, having a drink and sitting crosslegged on a deck chair cushion. He seems preoccupied talking to someone via text but is otherwise on his lonesome. Probably responding to Rammie's string of snapchats regarding her trip to Febrealia.* JOEL: *An ear angles back to Jace when he enters. That old concern starts gnawing on him again.* Hey. JACE: -aw geez... his heart starts racing as soon as he sees him. he wishes he were braver.- JACE: Hi. -steps over and takes a seat with him, probably too cautiously.- Um... JACE: I wanted to talk to you. JACE: Is that okay? Uh. Are you good to talk? -geez way to make it obvious he's a mess. not that it's a surprise to anybody.- JOEL: Im good to talk. *Joel would say he doesn't bite but that is the very opposite of true.* JOEL: ... JOEL: *gestures at another deck chair. Maybe the one at the opposite end.* JACE: -nods slowly and plops down in the chair. for a second, he just wringes his hands, posture anything but relaxed as he leans over his legs.- JACE: I... JACE: Well, I mean... JACE: -exhales, shoulders sagging.- You probably already know why I was in the forest that night. JOEL: *slowly puts his phone away to give Jace his undivided attention.* No. I dont why you were in the forest. JACE: -alright, he's PRETTY sure he's just trying to get jace to be straight forward which... is fair. and he wants to be. for another second he avoids eye contact, heat rising to his head quickly.- JACE: I was following Kougah. I wanted to check on him after what happened at the town meeting. JACE: Because... Because Ive still been hanging out with him. A... A lot. JACE: And-- And I was worried. About him. -eyes start to prickle with tears already. why does he have to be like this??- JOEL: *He hears all this and swallows against an ugly amount of bile rising up as he makes connections.* You still been hanging out with him. /A lot./ *echoes the words so Jace can hear them too. As well as how disbelieving Joel is that they're real.* JOEL: *but now he's swearing under his breath, unable to keep a cap on the hiss in his voice.* ...God. JOEL: Just... *Is there even words for this? Joel can't seem to grasp the concept.* What... the hell is wrong with you?? JACE: -shrinks into himself, the bite of joel's words resounding in his head, somehow managing to overpower even the thud of his heartbeat in his ears. it's a good question, really, but he knows he can't let himself be bowled over. swallowing the tightness in his throat, he squares his shoulders in prepartion for more verbal strikes.- JACE: When you told me what you did... I was angry... And I wanted to understand. I didnt... I didnt get it, because he-- JACE: He saved me. JACE: I started coming to Avalon when I heard about the missing people... And the spiritual activity. I wanted to study it... Because I wanted to help. But I didnt know what I was getting into and... I might have died if he hadnt shown up. -eyes flood with fresh tears again remembering it. it makes everything that happened that much more painful.- JACE: So, I... I wanted to confront him. About why. And how. He could do that. And I told him-- How much Rammie meant to our family. And to me. And I told him to make things right. And he said he would, because-- Because how I felt mattered to him. -ducks his head, choking a little on the tears now.- JACE: I thought that maybe things could get better. That we could work something out because... He-- I cant... I cant explain it. I guess it doesnt matter. Its no excuse. JACE: I just... didnt feel so lonely anymore. JACE: ... Im sorry. JOEL: *Rage is flooring past any amount of sympathy or understanding Joel might have had for Jace. It's fueled by the gut-wrenching fear and the heartbreak of knowing there wasn't a damn thing Joel could do about any of this. Joel stands with such a vicious snarl.* YOU COULD HAVE DIED IF YOU STAYED WITH HIM. DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT??? JOEL: And you... YOURE the one worried about HIM??? HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT JACE???? JOEL: It only took ONE FUCKING MISTAKE AND RAMMIE SHE JUST... He FUCKING LEFT HER IN THAT FOREST JACE. HE WOULD HAVE LEFT HER THERE AND WE WOULD HAVE NEVER FOUND HER. JOEL: So Im asking again WHAT THE *FUCK* IS WRONG WITH YOU??? YOU SAY YOURE HELPING PEOPLE??? YOU JUST ADMITTED IT! JOEL: YOURE JUST HELPING YOUR OWN GODDAMN FUCKING *SELF*. JOEL: WHY WOULD YOU THINK ANYONE WHO GIVES AN ACTUAL SHIT ABOUT YOU WOULD BE OKAY WITH THAT?????? JACE: -drags his hands over his hair and through his hair, trying with all his might to stand tall and take it, but he just can't, eventually crumbling into desperate sobs. he doesn't know what's wrong with him, and suddenly he's unsure all over again what he should do.- JACE: -did he really want to go back to help, or was there some fucked up selfish ulterior motive he couldn't quite identify? images of the dead pack of wolves and what may become of avalon flood his thoughts, followed by a rush of rage and grief and uncontrollable helplessness and it takes all his power to keep him planted in this seat instead of finding something to drive his fists into. instead, he j JACE: ust digs his nails into his scalp and mutter under his breath.- JACE: I dont-- I dont know...... JOEL: Well you better fucking know. *growls, the sound very real in the way Joel grits his teeth. Trying not to give into the ill feeling he feels in the deepest part of his stomach.* Because youre thinking of going back there. And trying to fix a goddamn PROBLEM that was never yours to begin with. JOEL: You just??? SOMEHOW made this your problem. And I wont say somehow. You know exactly what youre doing. JACE: Thats not... -not true, he wants to say, but it pitters off meekly as he completely loses sight of what even is true. he doesn't know why he listened to anybody who supported him. the reality is that he's a selfish idiot, so desperate he'll forgive anything just to grasp at a little bit of happiness, and that complacency makes him an apologist of unforgivable things. that makes him no better than JACE: a murderer. maybe in some sick way, that's why they deserved each other.- JACE: I wont go. JOEL: *He exhales sharply, feeling like his chest was being cleaved in two. The wound seeps with pain, invisible but very very fresh. Joel would clutch at it if he only could.* I hope so. I dont... *falters, his guard wavering* JOEL: I dont know what else to do with this. JACE: -keeps his voice quiet and his head lowered.- Theres nothing else to do. Theres nothing... JACE: Theres... *nothing.* -hiccups, kick starting yet another series of sobs.- JOEL: *Everything hurts and nothing is okay. But Joel keeps pressing on, draggig his hand down his face. As long as it helps steer off the waterworks.* Theres not nothing Jace. Dont you see that? JOEL: Theres still You. JOEL: And damn if Im gonna let you believe thats not good enough. JOEL: Whatever else happens... you did try. JOEL: And it fucking counts okay? I dont care what anyone else does or says. JOEL: You just... JOEL: Cant fix something like this. Or someone like him. JACE: -it's hard to swallow any kind of reassurance after being repeatedly questioned about what's wrong with him. so what if he has himself when he's awful? so what if he tried when he did it for selfish reasons? he gets the feeling he's just being talked down so he'll stop crying, and the idea leaves him hollow enough that sobs dissolve into sniffles and he can start to wipe away tears without more re JACE: placing them. he just nods slowly.- JACE: Okay... JOEL: *he's quiet a moment, grappling with the physical desire to reach out to his brother. But it feels like such a dangerous thing. Like they could both hurt each other more than they already had.* Im... JOEL: Really sorry. JOEL: *Joel doesn't suspect there's more to say after that. With a trot down the patio steps, he's gone down the beach. Taking off into the stretch of night.* JACE: -there's another long moment where jace sits alone, blotting out everything till he's only left with a buzz of white noise in his head. and only after his thoughts are disturbingly clear does he get back up to go to his room. nothing left to do now but sleep.-