#i cant get u into the event i barely have connections

[caramelstupid]

Uuuuugh a buddy of mine wants to read the lord of the rings in english (i think he got the german Version. He also has never managed to sit through a Single movie. Fuck off) (I got him a spotify link and the substack link!!!! Options!!! Free even!!!) But he kinda invited himself over to go get MY personal Edition and i didnt know how to say no and. Now he has my edition of lotr and i want it BACK do i just buy him one as a late christmas present. Like no sir thats my book qwq u will take forever to read it cause like u dont read. Give it back thats my 50 years special Hardcover U WONT EVEN APPRECIATE IT AAAAAAH. I never lend out books because people have a terrible track record and now someone has my favourite book and i HATE it but also. How do i get it back. And when. In a year????? How do i get it back without sounding like a complete asshole or toddler. Sir please learn to read social cues i was visibly UNHAPPY dont do that qwq

[httpspedri26]

Can u do an angst fic where pedri and (famous) reader meet in an event or smt and they get along great and he cant stop thinking abt her but one day gavi or one of his teammates brings her to a team gathering and introduces her as their gf.

Enchanted

Summary: this reminded me so much of “enchanted” by tay so I did just that

Pairings: pedri x famous!reader? Pablogavi x famous!reader

Angst

Pedri was in the new Adidas × Prada event he is going to be the new face of, he got to the event a little early not wanting to cause a bad impression with the two brands. He hoped people he knew were also coming, he didn't want to be alone.

" Hello" a soft angelic voice took Pedri out of his thoughts, he quickly shot the brown-eyed girl a soft smile

"Y/n" she extended her hand toward him

Y/n knew who Pedri was, she has been talking to his friend for quite some time now, Pablo Gavi.

"Pedri, nice to meet you" As they both shook hands y/n took a sit next to him. Pedri couldn't figure out where he had seen her before, your face was so familiar and so breathtaking.

As minutes pass the playful conversation started, and Pedri started to lose the tension he once felt as he got into the event.

Pedri felt a connection with y/n, a connection he hasn't felt with any other girl yet, as the hours passed pedri felt so wonderstruck by you that he could barely keep a full conversation.

Until it was time to say goodbye, Pedri knew he had to ask for your number, but he was too shy to do it, if Gavi was here he would've probably done it for him by now, but he wasn't, and he didn't want to make a fool out of himself if you said no.

Pedri was so wonderstruck by meeting y/n, that the whole way home all he could think about was her.

Hoping you weren't in love with somebody, hoping you didn't have anybody waiting on you.

As the days passed all that would cross Pedri's mind was you, and the lingering question, who do you love? He wondered til he was wide awake.

He wished he would've asked for your number, he looked you up on Instagram, but you had way too many followers it would be impossible for you to notice that he had followed you, or to even see his message

Today Gavi had invited the team, and a few of his friends from Sevilla to his house, even though Pedri didn't have the energy to go he didn't want to stay in the house alone, since Fernando, Pedri's brother decided to visit their family back in Tenerife, Pedri couldn't join him even though he would've loved to, football didn't allow him to.

As he got to Gavi's house he noticed the house was completely packed. Which made pedri groan as he threw his head back, he hated big crowds, he hated parties. He only went to parties when he was invited to one, not wanting to cause a bad impression on the person.

As Pedri went in, he was greeted by everyone, until he saw her.

She was sitting alone looking down at her phone, she looked up sometimes to pay attention to her surroundings, smiling at the people who passed by.

Pedri furrowed his eyebrows confused, on why she would be here, but also didn't waste any more time and started walking towards her.

"Y/n," he said loudly over the music, y/n looked up, smiling at the sight of Pedri.

"Pedri, Hi!“ y/n stood up from her chair embracing Pedri into a hug, but before he could say anything

Gavi appeared next to y/n

"Hermano! You're here" Gavi greeted his best friend while placing his arm around y/n's shoulders

Pedri felt his smile drop, his eyes scanning Gavi and y/n

“This is my girlfriend, y/n I told you about her remember?" Gavi asked screaming over the loud music.

Pedri nodded, with a fake smile taking over his face, that's when Pedri finally connected all the

dots, that's why she looked familiar the day they Met, That's why y/n sat next to him in the first place.

He felt his heart break a little at this whole situation, but at least he finally got the answer to his question

she did have someone waiting on her.

[moonbinscirera]

I feel like you would be the perfect passenger for me then because I always get lost even with a GPS when it doesn't work...

Omg taste... I would love to pick up more books with a woman of color centric character and YES bonus points for good gay rep pls 🤌🏼 I really do love fantasies as well 😩 omg an angst lover 💪🏼 honestly haven't read a lot of angst lately but >:) when authors aren't afraid to kill off a character I have got to say that's super refreshing 🍿

Ahahaha fake dating got that good spice to it...will never tire of that trope but I'm giggling at the kid fics... I can definitely see why you would not want to touch those with a 10ft pole 😂 👍🏼

I'm loving your ao3 search so much!! That's so detailed slay I'm just lucky if anything I like pops up for real - at this point I think I will just read anything out of desperation when I'm bored 😅

Slayyyy I think I'll continue looking into them maybe as a potential Christmas gift!! I'll also have to loon up ToonrificTariq then 👁 I'm loving the name already 😂

Screaming at how cool you are... Honestly watched GoT off and on only for the dragons 😩 - I'm cackling at how you can do it without looking although I'm sure you didn't miss *too* much 😂

I... am a fic writer 😩🫣 I don't think my stories are all that cool unfortunately... Most of the attention/notes have gone towards nsfw content rather than the sfw I used to labor over 💔 such is the woes of writeblr 😔

Thank you for thinking I'm studious 😂 I'm studying IT 🤓 I'm pretty sure I'll be graduating right before the gift giving starts off for this event hehe.. I cannot wait to be done for now 😭 homework and lectures are sooo boring at this point but the 24/7 working life... Ew! What about you (if you don't mind me asking hehe) 😳

xhxydhddhd at least if the gps breaks well be lost together shsbsshd

sometimes it feels like its a lil hard to find books with woc protags that arent realistic fiction and i hate that 😭 cuz alot of time the "realistic" setting they pick is one i cant relate to cuz i didnt grow up in the city or i wasnt the only black family in a whyte suburbs u know? so it takes like triple the digging to find something to connect to and it feel fun and not like racism porn 😭

anyway! angst is so good like its so satisfying and isnt there just something so so so like brain itching good about a homie being like please play pretend with me and then going oh shit wait its not pretend anymore actually?

im generally a rarepair shipper??? like in most fandoms i get into so its like i gotta be methodical and double back alot or else ill run outta content 😭 like even my favorite dynamic in svt is wonhao which barely anyone is checkin for 😭 (but quite honestly any less talked about hao dynamic imma jump thru hoops for like any of 95 line with him?????)

can u tell hao is my ult like is it obvious? i prommi i like him a normal amount like an absolutely normal amount like i swear on go- [gunshot]

do it do it do it doit³

im telling u i was in s2-3 and kept being like who tf is that??? by s4 i was like if this unknown person is here its no worries theyll prolly die soon anyway dont stress dont stress

ah creative ppl are always hard on their own work tho! (i am too) i bet its cooler than u think! that sucks tho when attn doesnt go to the works u really want them too 😔 like nsfw is fun but sfw should still get some love 😔

ooo and luckily! u caught me in this month because i just applied to an online school to study health IT so i can actually say imma be studying something! starting in January im nervous 👉🏾👈🏾 BUT CONGRATULATIONS ON UR GRADUATION

[icharchivist]

hello icha!!!!! learned from my mistakes and typed this out in a separate document. first i have to say im feeling a very deep connection with citron as of late bc i was giving myself a pep talk abt like physics and i told myself "face up and man the music!" and was like "...is that wrong. theres that song called man against the music isnt there... yeah it must be right" and. well i realized later. i also think the phrase "dont cry because it happened, smile because its over" is very good. also I’m halfway thru creating a very eclectic list of like. a Pokémon team for each a3 character which is… something. kinda knew it would happen to me. might take a while for me to finish it tho now that I’m halfway bc I’m suddenly having a crisis like “wait shit I’m only confident on my understanding and characterizing of like 4 characters am I good enough” so… it’s slow going lol. anyways. i finished that damn physics thing I was giving myself a pep talk about and so am treating myself to autumn/winter. happens that watching these events is also like. the only thing which reminds me to actually like. log into a3 lol. i am so bad at gacha games. probably a good thing in the long run. ok starting from the top!

hisoka going "zzz" as his reaction made me immediately go... oh dear, please dont fall asleep in the bath and guess what happened. yeah. good thing homare was there lol. speaking of i fucking adore homare and his poetry. id buy his collection. i also wish there was a collection like if there was a master list of every poem he says in like. at the very least main story. if not i will literally do it myself. i love homare so much im like him in that back when i had to play dodgeball id always be like kufufufu they cant hit me if im friendless enough that no one pays attention to me but like in my case it actually worked out. on the subject of the pillow fight tho, hisoka's crazy strong pillow fight throw... one more mark on the list for suspicious, maybe assassin occupation. this event made me realize how much i missed winter like. i saw the stranger pretty recently (which has caused the effect of be being like "taichi!! thats my boy!!" in my head everytime he shows up lol but anyways i havent gotten to a winter play yet so im VERY hype. especially bc this seems like it stars hisoka and homare??? like oh!! oh!!!! also detective fiction... im swooning. i also just enjoy the hisoka homare dynamic a whole fucking lot i think its nice how homare was like "yeah im ride or die for this funky lil amnesiac, why wouldnt you be?" and its just like. nice. feel like hes always reaching out to hisoka which is like. man homare is so nice.

back to chronology. ofc sakyo goes cheap for the hot springs lol. on brand as ever. was very hype for the azuma sakyo dynamic bc all i remember is like azuma trashing everyone including sakyo at some game or the other in one of the winter chapters and it was very good. or was this a clip in like a stage play? either way it was delightful. at first i misinterpreted taichi going "…" after azuma and sakyo said theyd never been on a field trip bc like. taichi being quiet or noncommunicative... after going thru autumn troupe act 1 it makes me fear for my life a little lol. anyways im glad he was just like planning fun times. speaking of taichi tho we got a tasuku taichi pair for etudes!!!! im not spoiling myself for later events but i hope to GOD tasuku and taichi do like a lead co lead in SOMETHING or at least like some mixed troupe event i want them to talk!!!

also dunno if this is an intentional pun but i enjoy that its called high spirits at the hot spring bc like oh theyre having fun but also bc like. "spirits" is used to refer to a certain type of alcohol i think? which is cool. dunno if its intentional but i liked that. anyways the talent show. taichis moving rendition of single ladies... ok i know it said single fellas but like. we know. wonder if that line was a different song in japanese? its not too old at ALL tho imo. anyways the way banri and juza being themselves Are the entertainment... flashback to when banri slaps juza live on stage instead of doing a stage slap lol. my reaction to azuma essentially went:

azuma: I can offer to bare my soul, and a little more ;)

izumi: what do u mean by that???

me: hey tasuku and omi were shirtless what's ur problem with azuma

anyways i reread and from what i understand they were maybe only flexing and doing a gun show? which like. no wonder it didnt last too long then lol. also explains why they didnt have shirtless sprites i suppose lmao. i am SO curious abt what azuma ended up doing tho that fade to black is so mysterious! did he tap dance? did he pole dance? the world will never know...

oh also im not like super familiar with azuma yet but my read on his personality is definitely like "I am so touch starved All The Time but I will be chill. :) :) this is fine :)" like he just seems to rly like being around people! just like basking in presence whether or not hes rly talking that much.

i enjoyed that juza mentioned pillow fighting with his lil brother... thats nice! i think a lot of this event was just focused on ppl having fun over the drama lol bc it got wrapped up sooo quick. i liked the bit where sakyos worried that izumi was out late searching for him tho it was so sweet. table tennis match was very fun although id argue calling hisoka and juza the two quietest tho lol like... banri exists so juza isnt quiet. just like inevitably. finally, the event cg!!! azumas hair tied up... so nice! thats how I tie my hair up sometimes tho it doesnt look nearly as nice lol. taichi rambling abt his first love for so long tho... lol. ill be honest i have to reread autumn bc i was not aware of this whole situation until it came up in the stranger and i like inferred from there. the end of this event was nice! it was cute. i dont rly have much thoughts on it but im so hype for the winter play

Hello:!!! so good to see you again, freshly learning from your mistakes then :3c

the connection with Citron is a BLAST to read about. I am glad that Citron is there, on your mind, supporting you at every turns of language. It's beautiful.

AND OH THE POKEMON LIST!!! thrilled to hear about it being a wip ongoing! take your time ofc and i hope you'll feel more confident as you go for your characters interpretation! i believe in you!

lmao i'm glad the events help you remember to play a3, i'm sure that by the time you'll be done with the events you will have unlocked so much of act 2 you won't have to worry too much about it. Anyway i'm glad you treat yourself to good things :3c

of course Hisoka fell asleep in the bath. tbh this event was a lot of "Hisoka almost dies in a spring house multiple times if it wasn't for his troupesmates". Between sleeping in the bath and almost swallowing the table tenis ball... where would we be without Winter, and especially Homare, taking care fo him.

I'm SO GLAD you like Homare that much! he's so so good! i'm sure there must be a masterlist somewhere, or well. can be done anytime i guess?? but yeah Homare is fantastic and LDJFDLKFJDF the evil plan to avoid dodgeball from both of you.. this is incredible DLKJFDLKF. But yeah alas he's loved by his own so he gets hit smh.

And yeah Hisoka is just acting sus huh.

BUT YEAH... YEAH... WINTER... BELOVED.... I feel regular and normal feelings for Winter as you know, s o .

(i'm so delighted that you feel that way about Taichi though, as he deserves!! what a good boy!!!)

But yeah Winter play next!!!!! i love the winter plays so much i hope you'll like it as well!! aND YEAH HISOKA AND HOMARE AS A DUO... for a DETECTIVE story?? so good.

I'm sO GLAD you like their dynamic! yeah i adore it too. Homare was so quick to leap into taking care of Hisoka? Like i mean he immediatly called him sleeping beauty when they first met, and immediately decided to be his roommates to watch over him, and then he did everything to take care of him and it's just so sweet. Homare has such a big heart he's so gentle with Hisoka. Homey and comfortable, whenever Hisoka admits it or not ahah.

ahah wouldn't be Sakyo if he didn't need to stay cheap. BUT YEAH the Sakyo/Azuma dynamic is pretty good. oh the event you talk about i think is in some of his very first backstage storyes (that you can read if you have them since they're at this point of the chronology). There's one where they play a mafia game and Sakyo is warry of Azuma because "people like him are those you need to worry about the most" and Azuma is just ":) you wound me :) i would never :)" and then Azuma wins the game and starts to mess with everyone. It was so fun. and yeah i see which clip you mean for the stage play!! it's so so fun they have such a neat dynamic and i loved to see it in this event as well.

and omg worrying about Taichi while he was just there preparing a fun time! this child really would have worried us all back then huh

but AHH YEAH TASUKU TAICHI.... It's such a neat dynamic! ofc i won't say anything but man i love the potential of their stories, as the two ex Godza boys. To see them bond and be comfortable with each other always make me so soft.

OH NICE CATCH FOR THE PUN! i think it must be the reason for it tbh, i love it! thanks for pointing it out!

The talent show was really fun yeah ahah! I wonder what it is in Japanese too but at least the localization was hella fun!

"anyways the way banri and juza being themselves Are the entertainment." THEY'RE SO SILLY I love them so much

AND LMAO YOUR REACTION AT AZUMA I LOVE IT. YEah i think Tasuku and Omi are just flexing (which is Still. SO FUNNY. Just there saying "our talents is.. our muscles...") meanwhile Azuma is like "my talent is that i'm crazy hot :)"

But YEAH Azuma... AZUMA WHAT DID YOU DO....

your read on Azuma's personality feels pretty spot on to me ahah omg. Staying with what you know about him, the fact that with his job and all, he seems like he's starving for connection while also terrified to make himself emotionally vulnerable. He loves staying with people, listening to them, caring for them, and he's touch starved as hell (i mean it's his job) but he doesn't seem to really know how to be on the receiving hand of affection. there's a flair talk, i can't remember where, with Omi at some point, where Azuma compliments him, and Omi is just "mhm.. but you know i think that it's more about you" and ends up complimenting Azuma in depth and it let Azuma dumbfounded because he didn't expect Omi to trick him at his own game, while Omi just genuinely don't get why Azuma is reacting that way. He gives he gives he gives, and he's genuinely happy with that, but he seems to have difficulties to take, or to demand for something, while also starving for it. I have so many emotions for Azuma.

Any mentions of Juza's little bro are the best things. I love this type of mention TwT

And yeah it was such a laid back event. Honestly deserved after the crying fest that was The Stranger imo. It's good to relax once in a while and it was nice to have them have fun. There was the bitterness of both Azuma and Sakyo's past that was always a bit looming but everyone was working so hard for them to enjoy themselves that the joy just overtake any sadness i loved it.

Sakyo worrying about Izumi is always adorable TwT

And yeah the Table Tennis match was so fun and chaotic LMAO. I love the dynamic between Juza and Hisoka. Just two usually quiet boys who like sweets. Except that yeah like you say, as long as Banri is around, Juza cannot be 100% quiet. Rip.

THE CG WAS SO PRETTY i loved seeing it. And omg you can share your hairtips with Azuma how nice :D Azuma manages to make everything look beautiful smh....

Oh yeah Taichi and his first love! if i recall he mentions it quickly at the begining, that Yuki reminds him of his first love, and he says that again at some point - then the fake Portrait he does he mentions his first love again. And since then it's been a reccuring topic so yeh :3c

but yeah! this event was really sweet and laid back, not much to say about it, but it was nice to have it at all!

Hope you'll like the winter play :3c

Take care and thank you again for your thoughts <33 i love reading them!! bless you!!

[mychemicalaromanticism]

things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

[smolslothloaf]

Yo as the only Micheal Crew fan (prolly), can I just say I’m so fucking salty that he died how he did?

Homeboy’s been hinted at since the fourth episode in this entire goddamn series, he’s been repeatedly connected to the Leitner books (which I guess are less important now that we’ve met Jurgen Leitner and we’ve got Gerard but uggggghhhh), he’s got a cool lightning scar and backstory and everything!

And once we get to meet him? He’s so intriguing-he ‘s polite even as he forces Jon to just fall through the air, he has a great voice (both literally and writing wise), and once he explains his backstory it doesn’t dissapoint. You get the image of this scared child whose been searching for protection and meaning his whole life. This creature’s been following him ever since he’s gotten his lightning scar, you kinda get that it’s the personification of his past even if he connects it all back to the Vast. To an extent, he kinda describes his relationship with his scar and his journey in self discovery all as both finding meaning and acceptance in the Vast. The moment he figures out what’s been calling to him is also the moment he accepts his past and his trauma. It all makes sense and comes together.

What I also find particularly interesting the way he laments about never being able to remember the most important events of his life, as I feel it’s something we all can relate to. Traumatic or not, negative or positive, many of us have trouble recalling the most life-changing events of our lives. We feel frustrated over this, we beat ourselves up for it, it’s just apart of life. In Mike’s statement this is such a small detail but it’s one that resonates with me deeply.

They set up Micheal Crew in such an engaging light and make him feel so real. I will admit that I’m not sure how much more they could do with him as this episode tied up pretty much all loose ends in his story. That being said, I would’ve absolutely LOVED to see more of him! He has an intruging personality, a cool backstory, he could’ve been a neat reaccuring character or something.

But no! Daisy Fucking Tonner just needsa bust down the fucking door and be like “YO THIS BITCH HUMAN?” And Jon’s like “uhhh ig not” and Daisy’s like “WELL THAT MEANS HES GONNA CATCH THESE HANDS.” AND JUST FUCKING SHOOTS HIM???

FUCK THAT NOISE.

YOU BUILD UP A CHARACTER OVER THE COURSE OF THREE SEASONS, WE MEET HIM AND HE GIVES US HIS LIFE STORY, THERES STILL SOME ROOM FOR HIM TO GIVE US ANSWERS OR SOME SHIT, THEN YOU HAVE THE A U D A C I T Y TO JUST YEET DAISY IN AND HAVE HER SHOOT HIM OUTSIDE?

O K A Y

LIKE,,, IG THEY NEEDED TO SET UP DAISY’S STORY AND GET MICHEAL OUT OF THE STORY OR SOME SHIT BUT. NOT LIKE THIS PLEASE?? IM FULLY WILLING TO ACCEPT THAT IM JUST UNREASONABLY SALTY ABOUT THIS BUT SERIOUSLY?? SHE JUST. SHOWS UP. SHOOTS HIM. THREATENS JON. BITCHES FOR AWHILE AND WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WITH IT?

MICHEALS NOT EVEN BROUGHT UP AFTER THAT HE KINDA JUST GOT SHOVED TO THE SIDE FOR IMPORTANT PEOPLE PLOT(tm). HE GETS. PUSHED. TO. THE. SIDE. IN. HIS OWN. FUCKING, EPISODE. WASNT JON GONNA QUESTION HIM MORE? WASNT THAT WHY JON WAS THERE? I MEAN I GUESS HE COULDNT CUZ MICHEAL COULDDA DEFO KILLED HIM, BUT HE DIDNT EVEN DROP ANY BREAD CRUMBS FOR JON’S INVESTIGATION. JON LITERALLY GOT JACK SHIT FROM THAT INTERACTION ASIDES FOR MORE FUEL FOR HIS STATEMENT KINK. AS FAR AS THE PLOT’S CONCERNED, JON DIDN’T NEED THE CONTENTS OF MIKE’S STATMENT. THE KNOWELDGE WAS GOOD BUT HE GOT NO FURTHER ON HIS INVESTIGATION OF THE STRANGER. HE WAS DIRECTED TO MIKES DOOR FOR THE PLOT BUT THE PLOT AINT THERE, THE PLOTS AT DAISYS HOUSE

TO REVIEW:

THEY

DEADASS

JUST

THREW MICHEAL CREW IN THERE

HAD HIM EXPLAIN HIS BACKSTORY

THEN KILLED HIM OFF

AFTER HYPING HIM UP

FOR

THREE

FUCKING

SEASONS

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

ARE YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING KIDDING ME???

YA KNOW THATS PROLLY THE ONE BIG BONE IVE GOTTA PICK WITH THIS SHOW. THEY BUILD UP INTERESTING CHARACTERS OVER THE COURSE OF FULL SEASONS, THEN THEY’RE ONLY GIVEN THEIR TIME TO SHINE FOR ONE EPISODE BEFORE BEING ADRUPTLY KILLED OFF AND NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. I HEARD IT GETS BETTER BUT ITS A PRETTY BIG PROBLEM FOR THE FIRST TWO SEASONS.

JANE PRENTISS COULDDA BEEN COOL! AND SHE WAS COOL! BUT SHE ONLY ACTUALLY DID SHIT FOR ONE EPISODE THEN WAS KILLED WITH LITTLE RESISTANCE. SHE DIDNT EVEN MAKE A COMEBACK OR ANYTHING, THEY REALLY JUST WENT “THAT BITCH DEAD AND DID JACK SHIT” AFTER HYPING HER UP THE WHOLE SEASON. LIKD OKAY SURE GO OFF. THEYRE BUILDING UP BREEKON AND HOPE A BIT MORE NOW, CANT WAIT FOR THEM TO BE KILLED OFF AS SOON AS WE MEET THEM.

LIKE I GET IT I GET IT. MICHEALS STORY WAS COMPLETE. NOT EVERY CHARACTER NEEDS TO BE PLOT RELEVANT. NOT EVERY CHARACTER THATS BUILT UP NEEDS AN ELABORATE PLOT. NOT EVERY CHARACTER NEEDS A SATISFYING SEND OFF.

BUT IM STILL FUCKING MAD ABOUT IT CUZ I FEEL NOTHING. I LOVED HIS STATEMENT AND IT WOULD’VE JUST BEEN FINE IF MICHEAL WAS JUST LEFT ALONE AFTER THAT OR SOMETHING. OR HELL HE EVEN COULD’VE BEEN KILLED IN A DIFFERENT WAY I JUST HATE HOW DAISY CAME IN THERE OUT OF BUTTFUCK NO WHERE, SHOT A GUY SHE BARELY KNEW CUZ “he spoopy” AND ITS JUST NEVER BROUGHT UP. MIKE DIDNT EVEN NEED TO BE THERE. JON WENT THERE FOR ANSWERS, MIKE GAVE HIM NOTHING CUZ INSTEAD OF HAVING AN INTERESTING LITTLE CONVERSATION, DAISY NEEDED HER CHARACTER ARC. IM REPEATING MYSELF AT THIS POINT BUT IM JUST SO FUCKING ANGY ABOUT THIS.

FUCK DAISY, ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS

I am fully aware that I’ll wake up tomorrow and deem all of this as invalid and unreadable, I just needed to get this all off my chest. In all honesty the main reason I’m upset is because the Vast is my personal favorite entity and Micheal’s statement is a good summation of why

People affected by the Vast are just that-people. Well, all statement givers are people, but the Vast’s statments I find are much more grounded and down to Earth. They aren’t as out there or over the top like the Corruption or the Stranger. They’re just little ‘tweaks’ in someone’s perspective that shakes their core. It takes mundane occurances and pushes them to their extreme. All the Vast did in “High Pressure” was make someone feel as though they were sinking forever and forced them underwater. It’s some you could probably picture happening to yourself more clearly then say, being attacked by War Ghosts. (NOT bashing on War Ghosts btw, they’re just a different brand of spooky.) The type of fear that the Vast victims have is also kinda different to me. I’m not sure how well I can explain it but best I can describe it is that it feels like geunine trauma that someone with that phobia would experience? I still don’t think that’s quite right but take “A Long Way Down” for instance, where the statement giver’s brother suffers from Acrophobia. That’s a real boy with Acrophobia! I feel who he is as an actual person as I follow his life, I know his worst nightmare, and once you see what happens to him, you completely feel both from him and his brother. Or in “Freefall” where you see a mother mourn for her son’s trauma and death. She saw something he loved suddenly turn him so, so afraid then saw the very thing he feared swallow him up.

It’s just any average person greiving their loved one’s trauma or being pushed to a limit you can see yourself being pushed to. It’s all very grounded in reality and makes it all feel that more real. And I feel like Micheal Crew’s statement just summed that up so well. He’s such a perfect face for what I love about the Vast. He’s just a person at his core, who was scared and needed guidance.

It’s just that the way it ended and how adruptly he was killed left a sour taste in my mouth.

[teruthecreator]

if you're looking for something to rant about, do u have anything to say to someone who genuinely hated amnesty? i thought it was really uncreative compared to balance and it didn't scratch that Taz itch for me.

i mean, ur asking someone who now literally Cannot re-listen to amnesty bc of the trauma i retained from the ending, so like. cant blame you! i think out of all three of their arcs, it was the one with the most potential but the least amount of effort done to access that potential 

i, honestly, was never the biggest fan of balance. high fantasy bullshit has never been my cup of tea. i didn’t read h*rry p*tter or lotr when i was a kid bc it all seemed so Boring to me. i stuck to settings based in our reality, but with a fun twist! like the series of unfortunate events, which i read three times over

basically all of this to say i preferred the premise of amnesty over balance. balance was like high fantasy bullcrap that slowly merged into sci-fi bullcrap, while the premise of amnesty was like spooky and mysterious!! but still grounded in some sense of normalcy, which is an enticing premise to me! maybe it was a little cliched, small town in the middle of the woods has Something Off, but i would argue most of balance was cliches too. 

my biggest problem w amnesty now, looking back, is griffin genuinely did not give a shit. you can feel it in the effort he put into making the narrative, you can SEE IT in the end, and it’s just really evident throughout that griffin Did Not Fucking Care. which, if you don’t give a shit, don’t make a story that is going to make others give a shit bc it’s only going to end up unsatisfying for the both of us in the end. 

i think talks happened behind the scenes, and it was ultimately decided that travis would dm the next big arc. but, dust was a bust (as he said he couldnt maintain mystery for that long) and the other idea he had was barely in the works. so, to fill time before trav was ready with graduation, griffin decided to dm amnesty. i don’t think griffin wanted to do this; i think he was tired of dming and tired of making stories. griffin SOUNDS tired throughout most of the ending so like, it can be assumed this was a perpetual concept. they also literally admitted to having graduation ready to go Right When amnesty went to shit, so i think this is a really solid theory. but, even still, i think it’s a goddamn shame the amount of potential they wasted to jump to graduation asap 

but i think amnesty has better characters than balance, ill be deadass. i cared WAYYYY more for the amnesty trio than the balance. balance was just boring men, while the amnesty pc’s had like. legitimate flavor. flavor that was squandered, mind you, but flavor nonetheless. 

ned is the best character they’ll ever make for a pc, and i will live and die by that. ned had an intricate and complicated backstory that explained parts of his present personality while still leaving some mystery to him. every interaction he had with the other pcs or npcs felt both Genuine and Not, but given his character being a crook it’s literally the most accurate out of the three. my biggest problem with amnesty is ned got squandered to appeal to griffin’s inclinations towards big story tropes and sci-fi bullshit

aubrey’s Whole Shit relied on her understanding her greater power. duck’s Whole Conflict was coming to terms with his greater power even when he has a long-standing history of problems related to it. sound familiar? 

it’s magnus all over again! which, tho it was trav’s character, you can tell in balance that griffin was heavily aiding trav in fulfilling this greater fantasy

in my opinion, ned was what the show should have focused on. because ned’s story had NOTHING to do with high-fantasy themes or sci-bullshit that griffin used as a crutch in both balance AND amnesty. ned’s story was about genuine connection, re-discovery of self, and the lengths it takes to forgive and let live. ned’s story was the closest to the human experience any of the pc’s has gotten thus far (graduation tbd), and you know what they did? 

they fucked it. 

they fucked it for angst bait, and for that i literally can’t even hear ned’s voice for half a second without being filled with anger and sadness. 

and don’t even get me STARTED on the wack bullshit griffin and justin did in terms of the relationships in amnesty. SORRY, HUH??? THE FUCKING COP WHO SPENT THE ENTIRE ARC TRACKING DOWN THE CRYPTIDS HE LIVED WITH AND LITERALLY WAS AN ACTIVE PARTICIPANT IN TORTURING MAMA GETS WITH BARCLAY??? THE GUY WHO NEVER WANTED TO INTERACT WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE???? 

and to any d*ckn*vas out there just kno ur opinion is shit. i have a whole Essay as to why that relationship is a genuinely Bad Representation of a relationship and i’ll make ur broke bitchasses go find it. duck was a TEEN and minerva was a GROWN ADULT when they met; even if they got together when they were way older it still means they met and interacted at the equivalency of when you meet your high school gym teacher. and the power imbalance that existed for the entirety of their friendship bc it was mentor/student that y’all just Glance over. yeah, right. i kno yall dumb bitches had really gross teacher crushes I See It. 

but given ALL OF THAT, do i think balance is better than amnesty? 

nah. imo balance was boring and i only really started to care by stolen century. amnesty i cared from Right Off The Bat and only lost it after they ruined their own show

so yeah lmao that’s it ghrbjhrgbhjrgbhj

[prewettxgideon]

(( @warring-walden ))

September 17th, 1977 Ravenclaw Tower

            Gideon was still nursing his hangover when the piece of parchment reached him, having spent most of the day sleeping he had missed most of the chatter surrounding the mysterious way the professors had been acting, or the fact that the hallways were filled with aurors. Gideon didn’t care much for gossip, so he had tuned them all out, focusing on recalling the events of the night before, he was going to be in trouble if he didn’t managed to remember all the people he had kissed. It takes but mere seconds for him to make out the imagine, the mutilated body, disfigured beyond recognition, and with each passing second the imagine created by the blood becomes clearer. Gideon stands up startling those around him and sprints out of the Great Hall.

             Up to this point Gideon hadn’t really thought about his involvement, their involvement with the Order, he never had considered the risks of being found, this body cannot be Fabian, it simple cant. He would know, wouldn’t he? The twin connection is real, and if his brother would’ve been tortured and murdered, he would’ve felt it, right? But the terror is starting to fill him as he runs through the hallways, he doesn’t know what he would do about the eagle, but he is determined to find his brother and a riddle is not going to stop him. It is in his distraction that he runs face first into a body right as he turns a corner at full speed. ❝Bloody hell, I’m so sorry❞ Gideon apologizes, recognizing the person he adds a surprised ❝Macnair❞ they’ve barely crossed words when sober, he knows he shouldn’t ask for his help getting into the tower, ❝I’m looking for my brother, please tell me you’ve seen him... I have to know if he’s okay.❞

[guess-ill-die-again]

top ten kagepro songs?? 0:

*rubs hands* u now i read your whole wall of text about this? well now its my turn c:

warning half of this post is just about Shinigami Record bc i’m looking WAAY too deep into it but honestly i love doing that gbdhsg that part has over 500 words and im not sorry

Disclaimer: The first few don’t have numbers bc I just CANNOT choose a favorite ok ngsdhjgs

Shinigami Record - I’m gonna start with this one because i was already planning on making a post about how underappreciated this song is… half of this post is probably gonna be about this song alone so i might as well put it as nuumbr one tbh

Musically it’s really simple and just so amazingly gentle. I feel like the slow piano and the way its played in the verses helps to convey Azami’s feelings really well. It starts as just a bunch of lonely piano notes, but then as Azami finds someone who loves her, feelings grow and change, so does the guitar replace the piano for the second verse. Then the harmonies for the part when Azami creates the Kagerou Daze make it feel not only more mystical but also give it more emotion. She creates it filled with love for her family after all, this part needed to have a lot of emotion in it! But then it quiets down and the lonely piano returns.. the guitar and piano interlace each other(i cant find a good english word for it im sorry) while Azami’s voice is growing more unsure and then ‘gasps’ with the realization, in a way. The harmonies return and we hear both the lonely piano and the love-filled guitar. Azami is really conflicted and u can HEAR that!! Then it bursts with the pitch change and you can just hear how heartbroken she is! the highest note really reminds me of when people are trying to sing but they’re crying so their technique is egh but it has so much emotion?? idk maybe its just IAs voice… and then after she sings “I still love you” theres a drop that sounds like slamming doors and the guitar is GONE. It ends on the same lonely piano we started with(different pitch blahblah i know ok) but there’s also the added noise that you can either hear traffic in, OR the sea/ocean waves. I KNOW im reading way too much into this but traffic could allude to our time, where the main story is set and the fact that what Azami did has consequences reaching much further than she could have ever imagined but also that despitwat happened, most people don’t even know about her story and everythings… well, normal. The sea waves would be just like the world she’s come to love and she’s leaving it all behind i guess lolThe way this song tells Azami’s story is uh, very simplified, but i think it works well. It gives you enough information to feel sorry for her even if it doesn’t really explain much. We only see Azami’s perspective so i’m not surprised or disappointed that reasons behind Tsukihiko’s disappearance arent really stated. Also i’m kind of glad it doesn’t delve deeper into the story, because i personally really didn’t like these chapters of the manga at all lol bc i didnt agree with the characterization and it didnt show Azami’s loneliness as much and kind of ruined the magic. I like Azami’s story when its still told as a kind of fairytale…This is also probably THE best Kagepro song in terms of tuning, too. idk what happened but i feel like here it’s much more soft than the other songs which makes it all the more enjoyable.

one day i’ll write a full essay on this…

I’m not gonna go that deep into any of the other ones dont worry

Remind Blue - Easily the best song on the Mekakucity Reload album. While i adore Additional Memory as well, my heart belongs to Remind Blue. Because the range isn’t that big, Miku’s voice and Jin’s tuning of don’t get overbearing. Im also a sucker for lyrics connecting to past events or symbols so the whole time reading the translation i was just lying in bed like kermit surrounded by heart emojis. I may or may not make a cover of this one…

Lost Time Memory - I feel like all that could be said about this song has already been said so I’ll just say i love it. I was introduced to it through Juby’s english cover(Classical Rock Arr. version!! thats important, i love this arrangement probably more than the original but the dude who made it just doesnt have a nice voice for this song… Juby’s not perfect but this cover’s good enough) an really this is the song that made me want to learn about Kagepro so there’s a lot of pure nostalgia connected to this one.

4. Ayano’s Theory of Happiness - whenever i tell someone new about kagepro i always say this is the song that makes me cry and laugh the hardest. I laugh a lot because of the tv anime version bc lmao every time i see it i LOSE IT gndnsdgs The reason i cry is quite obvious i think, but i still feel the need to specify it’s because of the lyric “so I hope you can love tomorrow”. It’s just such a simple thing but it makes me tear up 99% of the time. And like the thing is, the last couple of lines aren’t directed at any particular character either so its like she’s singing to us. She hopes we can love tomorrow as well… and just for you Ayano, I will try.

Also MARiA’s cover is the best one i barely listen to the original now lmao

5. Summertime Record - did i mention im a sucker for lyrics where the character is looking back at what happened? bc yeah i am. This song is really dear to my heart for some reason so much so that when at a camp with the choir ive been in for like 6years we were supposed to make a little song about it for the last campfire, i managed to get my friends to write the lyrics to this song with me and i think that in itself is very fitting to this song. and just.. yeah the whole thing just feels very welcoming and I love Haruka so

6. Children Record - BOYS👏 AND👏 GIRLS👏 yeah this song staight up slaps and i love it (altho i mostly listen to the version with MARiA bc the tuningin this one :’) its realy good go listen) and uh yeah its just a really good opening to the series! idk what to say exactly so uh really lets not drag this out

7. Additional Memory - so when this song came out i had to lay down for like a week bc just… woah yeah ok!! all the motifs and melodies from other songs just hit me so HARD and THE PV OH MY GOOOD i was SCREAMING! and youre absolutely right about the lyrics!! “if this were all a misunderstanding, i don’t want to hear it” just HITS and HURTS and GOD YEAH

8. Kagerou Days - ahh classic above classics…. the one where you’ve set your expectations for Hibiya to just be a good childhood friend only to have it be crushed by other media… its just a great base for angsty AUs for anytwo cahracters that care about each other really and i love it! also like when i first listenedi was like what and when i realized whats happening i was just…  poetic cinema guy but with hearts i really love angst huh

9. Headphone Actor - I don’t know what to say apart from I love Takane, I love the whole Harutaka story, I love the metaphor and the music and I have a little lesbian moment every time i listen to LiSA’s version of the song(THE WAY SHE SHINGS “Dokoka e to mukatteru”??? IM TOO GAY FOR THIS SHIT I CANT) and its 3:30am so i cant think anymore okbut god i love LiSA’s voice

10. Never Lost Word - ah the kinnie really jumps out here lmao this is the song i listened o and was just !! it me!! which… NOT a good thing if not for the last verse lol but yeah i just identify with kido a lot so like…i just really felt this song back when i first listened to it and even now i still do… just… yeah. and i just really like it in every way i guess lol

ALSO Shoutout to Gunjo Rain and Dead and Seek for beeing other tragically underappreciated Kagepro songs bc they dont have PVs

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

Head Storm.

If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.

i'm frustrated.

sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.

for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.

why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)

and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.

the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.

i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.

it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.

It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.

i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)

i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.

freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.

its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.

sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.

this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.

i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.

brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.

i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.

i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.

he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.

i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.

i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.

i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.

i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)

i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.

i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.

ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)

if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.

time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.

as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.

its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.

i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.

how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.

i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.

as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.

i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.

[friescream]

blank notes

heavily inspired by https://svts-scenario.tumblr.com/post/161552611042/soulmate-au-with-mingyu ! • soulmate au where u only hear some certain musical notes/beats and ur soulmates hears the other ones • the music is only complete when u two are really near each other • ur at an event after school at the auditorium that u didnt want to go to but ur friends forced u and theyre playing songs so it just kinda ticks u off bc • u hated music bc u dont hear everything and it just sounds off all the time • u sneaked out to get your stuff from ur classroom and go home earlier than everyone else • u kinda enjoyed seeing the hallways emptier than usual (bc u hate ppl) and decided to walk around • u happened to pass by the music room which u've never gone to bc of the said circumstances and ur like,,,, bit CH is that good music i hear • u think ur delusional but ur soulmate might just be there and u decided to look inside • u quietly opened the door then the music suddenly stopped and u thought yeah whatever im just hallucinating bye • but u hear a mellow but manly voice speak "is someone there??" • "hi..." u said bc ur a little shy then u slided inside the room and u see him and ur like oh my gof Fuck he's so cute,,,, and he's SITTING BY THE PIANO what does this mean • he stared at u for a moment bc he's baffled too,, u looked away bc it feels awkward and u dont know what to say. u just cant ask 'lol r u my soulmate' bc its too fast and u arent really sure • "...u can watch if u want to" he said and u said ok then u settled down at the nearest stool even though u wanna go near to make sure that this moment is real but ur a klutz and u dont wanna trip and fall so • u notice his hands shake as he placed it on the piano. he looked like he's hesitating to play but he did • both of u are surprised but he's obviously more shocked as his eyes are wide open • ur anxious and dont know what to say so u asked "are u here often to play??" bc if he's always there then how come you've only heard his music now and he answered "no it's actually my first time playing here. i only play at home" and ur like hmm ok that makes sense,,, • u take the awkward silence as an opportunity to hear the melody better and ur like wow music has never sounded so good,, i could listen forever • u looked at how his delicate fingers continued to touch the black and white keys and thought that,,,music is so amazing . u already forgot how much u hated it back at the auditorium • u saw him smile and it just?? melted u?? bc he looked genuinely happy??? • u feel all mushy inside and bc u have no self control, u asked him "how could u play so good when u could barely hear music?" he halted and changed his facial expression when he heard what u said and u thought oh shit did i say something wrong i dont deserve to have a mouth sometimes • it took a while for him to say something so ur like, u know what i think i should go but then its all ok bc he smiled AGAIN and u dead fam u all melted inside then he said "it's just that i.. i feel the rhythm and it's like i know it by heart. i could not hear music by all means, i feel it instead. and it makes me happy" • "...i also felt like i could find the missing connection through this. someone who would make me hear all the tunes in the world, and i did. i found you." • you're in awe . u've never met someone as passionate as him before and it just,, made u speechless • he broke the ice and asked "what's your name?" "..i'm y/n" "i'm jihoon. it's a great pleasure to finally meet you y/n" • he plays again, this time with much more enthusiasm. u listen and u realized, ur still in ur own little quiet world, but just better. heavily inspired by https://svts-scenario.tumblr.com/post/161552611042/soulmate-au-with-mingyu !

[ph-yo]

You know when you feel that deep feeling of wanting to know someone?

When u feel like u wanna spend time with him cause u can almost touch with ur bare hands that tension in the air?

Tho this idea might be kinda of controversial since we’re in this age of all-about- technology where we dont feel the need to spend time with ppl anymore, i do feel that still.

Maybe that s the air, maybe that s the electronical vibrations but that has already happened to me. Twice with real people, more than twice with famous actors on the web 🙄

I know it seems weird but i do. Of course there might be some connections if those ppl are all, how can i say, very handsome to watch but really, that s not a superficial thought i swear, i do feel something different, i do feel like the desire to spend time with them to get to know each other is stronger than the desire of lying in the bed with them.

And of course it s all in my head cause the two of them who I really met in the real life were not feeling the same with me apparently, or at least i think so-otherwise i guess they would have had the balls to spend more time with me or ask me to get to know each other, those balls that i didnt have of course cause i suffer from this very bad ill that i call “ my DNA is deep fried in tradition and sexism and tho i feel like i am a very strong and independent woman i still wait for the man to take the first step”.

But they dont.

Jesus. I wonder why I feel some kind of primordial attraction to some people and apparently my person is not able to move neither their farther pubic hair.

What s that like? Am i a complete nothing ? Am i too curious so that i create in my head fantasies on ppl that are nothing in reality? where is this interest coming from and why is not at all reciprocated?

I see people meeting people, falling in love, and i feel instead like i am in a fucking bobble where is so fucking hard to find someone interesting and in the lucky event where i think i got a little signal, they dont seem like receiving it back. And if they do, they dont show it to me.

So that s my life, based on waiting for someone that maybe is not even born or will never born at all.

And i ll be wondering and wondering wether it is my fault or not, but the truth is that, regarding love, that is all about luck.

U cannot engage yourself to find the love of your life, you cannot force people to come out of their boredom and get to know you, you cannot ask for other people attention, or well, at least I wont.

So that’s it babe, the fortune is blind and she has not come towards you lately, and she might never do so...

Will you accept the idea of being a lone soul forever?

will it be enough for you to think that you are too much,that’s why they cant afford you?-you say to yourself- will you be able to rely on that for all your life long ?

Well guys. I Dont seem like having much of a choice, dont I?

I’ll keep myself busy, as usual.

Too much left to think that the love of a man is the only reason why they’ve put me on the earth nor the only reason I have to wake up in the morning happy, getting the chance to look for my life hypothesis once and once again.

[abstracttheworld]

so i had a wild ass dream and im blabbing about it here. under the cut cause it long

So heres the wild ass super long dream

it started out with, i think, me having some friends over and expressing concern over having the screen door to my house locked, citing bad dreams about a man coming to the door and demanding entry, and then having to fight him. I'd always win tho.

Then it jumepd to me being asleep? And having other bad dreams, and trying to wake ...a sibling? Cousin? up so he could take me to class on time. He did not wake in time and i panicked with only like 25 minutes to shower, get ready, and get there.

Then it jumped to there being very strange people hanging out in the space between my house and the neighbors, also the neighbor being like, part of the mob? Or something? Something to do with metal hoarding? Anyway it was weird af.

Two of the weird people got in the car with me and my dad, dad disappeared and i was at a store with the weird people, getting roped into shoplifting with a very complicated act and story.

It involves me pretending one of them is my father? Even tho im still an adult, clearly so? And the other idk- note: it was a lady and a dude before but now its two dudes. for some reason I was trying to steal ds styluses? and one big one for...something else?

anyway we get caught because i Can't Do ItTM , and me and one of the dudes laughingly explain to a clerk about the tale we lied about, but the other dude walks in and the clerk, who is a lady, waves and is like "sir i have your daughter!" and the dude is like awkwardly smiling and coming over to kiss my forehead or w/e and i promptly explain yeah that was a lie plz just arrest me

and we do and while were in the police car one of the dudes becomes some guy in a youtube channel? weird but aight hes cool

and i actually dream i have a panic attack. in the police car. but im like "its cool my meds are in my backpack" which for some reason hasnt be confiscated. and i chew them up and swallow.

and somewhere along the way as we get to the station my friend is inthe car with me and i ask her to lock my phone for me cause idk how so like, privacy. she disappears after that???

at the police thing we're walked in and like, briefly read papers or something? and then taken to the cafeteria and i grab like, chili and fries. im briefly made fun of by the food lady for getting so much food but i brush it off.

i sit down to eat and someone? a officer lady? comes by and is like "would u guys like different bowls, they seem pretty dirty" and i and the dude have to explain nah we just like, dipped them in sauce and stuff be accident.

briefly im like “huh this isnt as bad as i thought, its like, more like a normal cafeteria”

then the cops who arrested us come in. Suddenly its like, two older dudes with me? and one younger person? and they basically release the younger one, i think, all chill, and the older ones get off easier. And im called like "young lady, come with me, this has been a big misunderstanding, and we need to fix this"

and the cop is like, weirdly friendly and jovial and takes me to some room WITH A BED and im like. nah. w/e you were thinking of doing in a room with a bed with me is a nope. put me in jail.

and he like. BRINGS OUT SOME SAPIENT ANGRY GOOSE LADY? its just a goose with eyelashes- and is like YOU CAN BARE THE NEW SPECIES LET HER LAY EGGS IN YOU and im like LMAO NO

and he tries to stop me from leaving only i bust ass back to the food area and slam the doors shut and suddenly like...do magic? to lock the doors? and then suddenly everyone realizes they have powers too and its somehow connected to some other realm?

so now we gotta like. go on a journey, me and this one dude now- who was one of the weird people, and he was like "aren't you worried about your family missing you?" and im like "its cool i guess"

so we jump to some weird old mansion to look for clues and theres this shadow trying to come at us in the dark and we have to like, yoga sit pose and clasp our hands together to then shoot a ball of light? but it ends up getting me and as im dragged down im trying to reassure the dude that "its okay i think this is a scripted event"

and i get dumped into a weird room with a ton of kettles, cauldrons, and iron and stone statues, and a TALKING CARROT that i decide is deku explains to me that there is a force corrupted here that i need to stop or itll take over the top world.

the dude shows up and is like UR OKAY and im like yeah and fill him in

and as we leave the weird room i grab carrot deku and take him with me, and he turns into a teddybear as i leave.

i think for a time we were still in the weird world and its like...currently mimicing my stuff? who i find attractive? so its a bunch of the same people walking around waving at me n shit while dekubear is in my arms.

i think somewhere toward the end of this part, i encounter like...vaguely fantasy themed kiri on the road? and imiediately run up to smooch? and the guy im with teases me about how im macking one some other dude, the dekubear, and now this guy.

Then...i think it jumps to a different scene of me and him walking? the rando dude? its kinda jumbled there in sequence so i cant remember for sure

we start walking and for a while its my mother instead of the dude, and im trying to explain to her whats going on, i think? for a second were in the car, but then walking again

and im like "its not just the people in our yard. theres like. huge fucking deer all over the city just wandering and going into peoples yards. i think i prefer the deer over the guy who tries to break in..."

and then we're walking again and suddenly a huge tv thats...mounted on a tree? across the street? shows some older lady who i know as "bertha" and im like ..."BERTHA CAN U HEAR ME. BERTHA IM HERE" and some random eprson is like "bruh its a tv that doesnt-"

but then bertha responds and wigs out the rando lmao

i forget the conversation but i end up walking mroe and now i have a friend with me too? and some dude like...grabs the friend? but not? maybe its someone else? but obvi hes trying to kidnap her or something and me and the friend basically go ape on his ass and its great. knock him out and put items from the mysteriously present store shelf in the middle of a road.

i then walk into a store but apprently all the people in it are this duo whose trying to stop me from ending the corrupt force in the other world?

but then i do some spell and dissolve their illusion and its normal people. but some are like...people i met in the other world?

like some blonde dude who has to do with "scanning" as im getting items sanned (its like a cvs or some shit) and i look startled as he makes a joke about scanning me like YOU RMEEMBER but nah he doesnt its one of those "people from the dream world are real but dont know wtf ur on about"

and then the other is some girl in a wheelchair who was a princess? but is now just a rich girl whose kinda vapid but im like. its cool.

also i think by that point dekubear has disspeared and that is Sad.

the end, i think? i got woken up.

[thetotalfailure]

i love my friends

truly i do

i appreciate the things they do for me

i just

feel so down about myself all the time

i dont want them to ever see or know that

and its just a weird time in my life right now

its... been a decade

its crazy. i came home and looked at the flag you gave me, and it suddenly hit me that it was the anniversary of when we found out..

its weird realizing that an event that was such a big moment in my life is starting to fade off and be just a small blip. something that happened. 

it doesnt really affect me these days at all anymore. so i dont really have a reason to talk about it to anyone? but i do kind of want to... talk about it with someone else. but i dont want to just bring it up in case its upsetting to someone else

i guess i can think about it here...

you...

a decade ago you left. a lot has happened since then, from graduations to jobs to just. moving on

i didn’t even know you for that long, or very much at all, but you still affected all of us in the end. dramatic to the end. a tiny match that starts a large fire

sometimes i see things that remind me of you, even though we weren’t close at all. sometimes i wonder what you would be up to if you were still here. would i be where i am today? would i still have the same friends i do now? would we even have any ties. would the past decade not have been as dramatic and anything like it was if you weren’t like the weird butterfly event. was it for better or worse? 

i still think it wouldve been better if u didnt leave. we were young and didn’t know how to cope. sometimes i think we still dont know, maybe not with your situation specifically but with other things

personally, im struggling a lot right now. was this how you felt. upset. angry. cornered? i dont think i would ever join you in that way ever, but i guess in my life at this moment this is the closest we’ll be, a decade later in a world where i’m much older than the you of the past.

and

as the type of person i am, it really boggles my mind how someone we knew for barely a year became a truly impactful person in our lives, for better or worse.

im not blaming you for anything of course, okay maybe a little bit. your actions at the very least. 

and you know what

i really truly dont like myself. is that what you felt too. but i wouldve done whatever i could to help you not feel like that. so i get frustrated at myself for not taking my own advice i guess

sorry

you’re really more like 

a wisp of smoke hanging in the air, unable to be grasped,

an intangible concept of an existence that once was, but isnt

a quietly fading away dream after slowly waking up

its hard to talk about you now because in the end such a major event seems so significant yet insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and thus i cant talk about it with anyone else except those who were there. yet i cant find it in myself to actually attempt to talk about it with any of them. i feel like i had the lowest connection. it seems almost weird to seem like i think about it more than those affected, but im sure thats not true and just perspective. i guess in some weird way, i never coped or settled. even though i tried so hard to help everyone else. i thought that would help me too. like we’re coping together. sharing. but i was never really good at sharing anything personal about myself.

like the other night someone shared something personal and close to themselves that it was clearly hard to. 

i feel proud that they feel comfortable enough to share with us

but i dont think i would ever truly get to that level. not with them

it seems weird. but reasonable but it seems off to me nonetheless. i would only share with 5 people in my circle of friends. the ones i experienced You with. bonded together through a deep friendship and experiencing something traumatic together.

its weird i dont feel willing to share with the others. maybe like two or three because We actually did share something traumatic together. but even during that time, we didnt get that close. i guess it did give us the chance to get closer anyway

but. i dont know if i would ever share anything despite our closeness. i dont know why. i never feel comfortable sharing anything emotional with anyone. i have to be the strong and cool looking one i guess. its easier to fake being composed than to share something and get emotional over it. i need my composure. 

i guess i use you sometimes as a weird way of projection or putting my feelings somewhere else. with the dead i guess. who needs these kinds of feelings anyway. 

im sorry. we’re doing well. i hope you can see us from wherever you are.