#i cant w them . i fucking cannot
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"let loki kiss that old man" is good but what about "let loki hold that old man and find solace and strength in his company as time and space splinter around them" .... yeah
#i cant w them . i fucking cannot#bracing for the finale#lokius#loki#loki series#loki season 2#mobius#mobius m mobius#loki laufeyson#my art#marvel#mcu#tva loki
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how was s2 real.
i made crowley less stressed bc they deserve a break
#good omens#good omens season 2#good omens 2#aziraphel#crowley#good omens spoilers#good omens season 2 spoilers#good omens s2 spoilers#good omens fanart#good omens s2#REWATCHING P&P CAUSE OF THEM!!!#just a goofy doodle but i wanted to share#also fucked around w the lights#duuude i cannot get over how AWESOME this season was.#how did. how did that p & p dance happen.#like i still cant believe that was real
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the disastrous life of saiki k its only a comedy anime because we see everything from kusuo's pov and the things that's happens in the episode are just a normal day for him so he sees everything like normal and even comedic
I just KNOW that if it was from someone else's pov the anime would turn into psychological horror
#JUST LOOK AT THE TIME LOOP EPISODE OMG#he treats everything as a comedy or just as an annoyance cuz is the everyday thing for him#but damn#ku wont acknowledge his problems#at least he wont acknowledge them as slmething seriously he will just call them a bother#if it wasnt a comedy ppl would also acknowledge more how weird his family is#dont get me wrong btw#i love them but you cannot convince me that kusuke's behaviour is right....#and abt kurumi and kuniharu#you cant convice me that they dont have the fault of kusuke's behaviour#They must have taught Kusuke that it is not okay to modify your brother's power limiters so that when he removes one his darkest secret will#-be revealed to the world#COME ON GUYS#kusuke explained that in front of these two EVERYOEN SAW THAT#WHY NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGES HOW FUCKED UP IT THIS??#these two didnt said anything#they were just surprised for two seconds but nothing else#again dont get me wrong#they have good intentions and everything but i think that theyre not fully capable of having kids#no one is ready to have kids but in this case there is a genius with psychopath tendencies and saitama w pink hair#there is a lot of things that could go wrong#even worse if they cannot pick up some fucked up things like what i mentioned before#theyre trying his best tho#(at least kurumi is)#but its not enough#saiki k#the disastrous life of saiki k#kusuo saiki#kusuke saiki#kurumi saiki
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and now for something stupid
#but really i also just wanted to play around w this sort of coloring style bc its been FOREVER since ive used it#and i think i can make it look better now#AND i think i can make more sillay stuff like this and not have it take as long w cleaning up lines#anyway now you all understand the terrible dynamic between these three#phobo's infodump text is just copypasted from the wikipedia page for knives.#julliet ALSO uses knives is the thing so hes actually mansplaining < JOKE#he just wants to share. even if it gives her a headache. but he wouldnt mansplain he doesnt have it in him. hes ok with felonies tho#but julis life hasnt known peace since she was told to take care of the newbies#and shes ALSO a newbie (just slightly less so) so really this is probably just tartarus hazing her#theyd take one look at the two disorganized unserious overeager newbies and think ''you know what would be fucking hilarious''#and pass them onto the neurotic slightly-less-newbie who takes everything as seriously as possible. disaster combination.#i cannot stress enough that this is a group of bandits and murderers theyre NOT above hazing.#deimos actually is doing the best job at it since he is stealing as we speak#i mean hes not supposed to do it to his teammates but still. on the right track#as for the dynamic between deimos and phobos themselves its like. theyre just bros. theyre both pretty similar in personality#except deimos is kinda more mean and cynical while phobos can be kinda. dense and naive despite literally where hes at in life#but most of the time theyre basically beavis and butthead#i would also like to stress that juli is not being homophobic she just already cannot stand these guys and cant believe the audacity#but. complete misunderstanding. karma for stealing wallets ig#this will never be cleared up by anyone ever#but again thats not their dynamic they are just beavis and butthead. and i guess that makes juli daria LOL#finn's ocs#finn's art
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got so into my laughingstock feels that i burnt my fuckign toast
#shit was Black#literally was in my kitchen Wailing about them and forgot the bread slices i put in the toaster oven three seconds prior#s'ok i made a new set but oughhhhhh i am still sooooooo so unwell about them....#OUGHHHHHHH THEMMMMMMM#theyre just... snf.... theyre just two silly goofy guys in love....#silly goofy fruity fellas and they love each other <3#SIDE NOTE GINGER SPREAD ON HONEY/BUTTER TOAST ABSOLUTELY FUCKS TRUST ME ON THIS#absolutely unprompted#but yea i was specifically thinking about that fic i have in my head#yall know the one by now. the one i desperately want to write and I SWEAR I WILL EVENTUALLY#but the fuckin... Misunderstanding... it makes me insaneeeee#its the most unhealthy part of their relationship AND THEY ARENT EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP YET#damn theyre so healthy. theyre so. wails screams howls#but howdy being an oblivious idiot to his own emotions is so important to me#mans is whip smart & quick in every other area#but in this One Subject hes dumb as a rock & that hurts both of them <3#but it also turns into something they can cry w/ laughter over later#someone asks how they got together. they exchange a look. and burst out howling#full on wheeze-laughing Cannot Form Words#y'see most couples would have some lingering 'i cant believe you did that' and/or guilt#but barn & howdy would just find it hysterical. full on 'remember when you-' 'yeah lmfao'#THEYRE SOOOOOO <3#yknow if i ever find someone i want to have a partner-esque relationship. i want to have what laughingstock has#i do genuinely believe that howdy might have feelings for barn#but i like to live in the delusional world of my mind where they're Established <3#grabbing them and slamming them together like a violent 5 yr old playing with dolls#kiss! kiss damn you!
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hmm
#i just feel like i cant connect to anyone#i dont feel safe with anyone. ppl are so cold and callous#and in fact most ppl support and contribute to abuse & rape culture#and knowing that just makes me not feel safe or comfortable with them#thus i cant trust them w my experiences. i cant trust them at all tbh#+ i have a deeper connection w animals & nature and most ppl.. are so disconnected from those#i just dont feel.. ok with anyone#also the fact that i constantly have to mask. every interaction w ppl feels like a performance#everyone already has decided what they think others should be. and i dont fit into that. im none of it#so i feel sm like no one could understand me. and in turn i dont understand anyone either :/#it's making me feel so so so so fucking lonely#my world views and experiences and everything are things i just cannot ignore#i simply cant shut it off and be w ppl regardless#and i know i cant expect to meet ppl EXACTLY like me. but i just want some that are kinda similar#sigh all of this is so hard to even put into words. it feels like im not explaining this properly#i just look around me sometimes and feel so extremely alone bc i cant connect w anyone. i just dont understand ppl at all.#and i just wanna feel safe and comfortable#maybe what im saying is that someone world views and morals etc are important to me#i cant connect with someone who denies a genocide for example#bc that is so fundamentally against who i am and what i believe in#but it is so fkn rare i cant even come up w an example of me coming across someone similar to mtyself#idk.. just dont wanna be alone
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once again thinking about The Worms and the greater lore implications wrt zazie my best friend zazie
#theres a whole rant that ive gone on multiple times wrt zazie and the worms#and just the ecology of nml as a whole#and how the worms cannot be a singular species w variations on screen being different life stages#they have to be multiple species all falling under the umbrella category of worm much like what we do w fish#worm is a clade. not a species#though given how it ranges from protist to megafauna. fuck dude who even knows#anyways. the fact that zazie has domain over ALL of them. that zazie is the mouthpiece for a collective consisting of an entire planets#native species. i simply think that zazie is a fucking fascinating character#zazie is the most interesting character in trigun you cant change my mind#they are my specialest little guy
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shaking in my fucking boots at the delectable horrors of the night. there could be mystery songs every night. every song is on the table now. Every Single Fucking Song Is On The Table Now
#shut up kell#tourdust#to drop my funnyman facade for a sec here: genuinely i cannot cope w the fact that there's even the SLIGHTEST possibility of them playin joy#I Can't Fucking Do That. I can't live with that stat not being an absolute 0% chance. i can't fucking hear that song live in 2023#i'm so excited about the possibility of hearing ANY OTHER SONG THEY HAVE. but i cant do just one yesterday man#i don't know what that would do to me psychologically . it wouldn't even need to be MY show it'd just be bad enough for them to do it at all#GOD.. FALL OUT BOY FOREVERRRRRRRRRR
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#the bean#listen. listen. I LIKE reading research papers. i like utilizing my useless ass lil history degree#you cannot fucking imagine how annoying it is to research anything that deals w pregnancy#obviously its very hard to do any sort of worthwhile experiments in the first place#bc you cant just fuck up a fetus#so a lot of it is self-reported GARBAGE#or they use animals which is not always one for one#and then you see the sample data is absolute dog shit. small pool. huge outside factors#like the largest study used to cite how pregnant people shouldn’t drink?#those bitches were also doing COKE. COKE!!#at the very least doing fat lines of Colombian snow has got to fuck up your baby#or potentially doom them to being a business major in the future idk#and then you see these stupid ass websites and try to find WHERE they get their info from and it turns out like#they extrapolate ‘don’t eat rosemary’ bc they did a study where#if you gave a rat eighty times its body weight in rosemary it has spontaneous miscarriages. NO SHIT. HOW WOULD THAT AFFECT ME#TRYING TO DRINK A TEA W ROSEMARY#and then looking up the ACTUAL percentages of risk for things. like omg the fuck listeria risks for deli meat are nothing#you have a higher chance of getting in a car accident in which we get in cars and drive multiple times a day#BUT NOBODY MENTIONS BAGGED SALADS OR CANTALOUPE#THE RATES OF LISTERIA IS INSANE#AND THEN YOU HAVE TO SEE WHO SPONSORED THE STUDY#AND WHAT THEY’D POTENTIALLY GAIN FROM THE OUTCOME#AND AHHHGHGHBFDHJGBSHDFBSDJHFBDSJBFSDJ
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braces appointment tomorrow except i literally havent worn elastics like once this cycle
#mr dentist is gonna be sosososo mad at me bro i dont want to talk to him#like ik and i dont care#like i physically cant get the elastic on my tooth bc the hook is like curved into my gum#and i wont say anything bc#dentists r the ONLY ppl who give me anxiety i will like#enter into a panic attack over having to confront them i cant take it#atp im like i dew nawt give a flying fuck that my bite is “wrong” like i lived 19 years w it “wrong” and i still dont give a shit#theyre like “its not that hard to wear elastics” they have never met me#idk why its so hard for me to wear them#like i wore them for a week and then never again#bc it literally takes 15 minutes to put them in#i physically cannot get my elastics stable on my teeth and i just said fuck it#has anyone on tumblr not worn their elastics once like me and what happened bc i need some fear to be relived thanks#dentist#braces
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LMAOOOOO YOU'RE FCUKING KIDDING MEEEEEE
#personal#“iM dOnE wITh ThEm ToO fUCk AlL oF tHiS”#clearly not based on that message LMAO#like nah fuck this#i am like wholly done making new white friends i think#filled up on my limit#ik this behavior could happen from bipoc too theoretically but the fact every person ive experienced this type of shit w/#has been white OR emphasized their whiteness as the important part cause they hated themselves that much#like dont pretend to apologize to me esp if u know im working under the assumption of your words are what you mean bc i cant read ur mind#or like see into your life#OUGHGHGH#pls do not ask about this#I really cannot explain this to new ppl
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I'm so good at thinking and having thoughts
#i just figured out why I'm so nervy to come out as Gender to my parents#I know that theyd be accepting and I'm so privileged for that#but i also know they will inevitably fuck up w pronouns and terms and stuff#and I'm stuck in the 'they cant misgender me if i dont come out!' mindset#is it silly? mayhaps#i am going to come out to them i just need to work up the nerve#i simply cannot avoid it forever. esp not since I'm seeing a doctor and a therapist to seriously pursue top surgery
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Scheming…
#chattin#taking time to draw and write out a relationship/dynamics chart for the thieves and assorted friends#bc theres. alot. and it would be nice to write it out. it would help establish my thoughts about them#its not poly/thieves but its. kind of adjacent to it. but its less shippy and more focused on how they interact-#-and behave with one another. like theyre kinda bonded together over everything. lines get a little blurred but its what works for them#and i think lumping them all together as poly/thieves is a shortcut for breaking down their character#like obv akira has diff relationships for everyone; but how do THOSE people react to others ??#like pego/ryu is real and true but also ann is absolutely there. u cannot separate them.#theyre the shujin delinquents to me LOL. they are too tightly bound together to let any external relationship split them at this point#akiras not w goro; its akira AND ryuji w goro. like akira and goro would just not work; but ryuji make its work well yknow?#goro doesnt get third wheeled w ann and vice versa bc ann and goro are good friends; they just hang :)#its like. if u could SEE the fucking string of connections making a mess of my white board in my minds eye…😭#so im trying to write it down into something that works for me#i dunno. i think its fun :) i did this for ffxv too#only that was way easier bc its just the four of them. but like. how do their internal relationships affect the overall polycule ?#anyway. inspired by that love post; that theres diff kinds of love. and kiss ryuji week LOL#bc i wanted to write a small thing with different thieves for each prompt#and im like how would their relationships differ from one another ?#ryuji and akira but also ryuji with makoto. ryuji w haru. ryuji w yusuke. its like.#u cant use the same thing from most pego/ryu fics bc they DIDNT meet the same way#waugh.#rambling#just know that im insane. i have all these wips and nothing FINISHED. waaa.#this is what that post meant about being obsessed over bad media LMAO. this is just what happens#u stay up thinking about fake polycules from a game that came out seven years ago#i think….#WHAT. 2016???#EIGHT years ???#funny bc i was thinking about how ffxv was eight yesrs old and i am still a mess over it#well. could u imagine if i played p5 when it LAUNCHED instead of in 2020???
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mother: "theres this great job where you'd be on-call to come in!"
me: "ahhh i don't really want to be on-call, that would stress me out a lot because I'd always be on edge,,"
mother: "no you wouldn't, you could make it your thing!"
me: "...my thing?"
mother: "being on call! it'd be great! :)"
me: "i would probably be crying like... a lot ahaha. because I would always be on edge never knowing when to expect having to go into work, yknow?"
mother: "nooo, you could just make it a thing!"
me: "sorry, what do you mean by thing?"
AND I NEVER FOUND OUT !!
#i feel very ill fdsjkl tonight was ... not good#not the worst definitely not the worst#just. a lot of diet talk and making fun of other ppl that she expected us to all laugh at (and we did. idk if they found it funny.)#and brother labelling some influencer having rape charges against him just ''internet drama''#number one: i dont want to hear about that. number two: that is not just ''drama'' that is like. serious. what the fuck is wrong w youuuu#my mother will say that all the food i eat is very bad for me and do that while knowing full well i struggle to eat Anything#and say that simply Adding things to the diet is pointless bc ur poisoning urself still! u have to Take Out things! i cant fucking do that!#im still baffled that two years ago when i tried to go to them for help when i was almost fainting from not eating they just shrugged at me#''okay? why are u telling us this?'' BECAUSE YOU ARE MY PARENTS. AND I AM TRYING TO GET HELP.#i should've known better than to try tbh but like. its so hard to completely let go of every sliver of hope that they'll... be kind#like me saying i was feeling suicidal a few yrs ago just garnered a ''oh don't start this again. we're not doing this again.''#and me admitting my own damn self to the psych ward just had her telling me ''i dont think you actually needed to go :/''#mother dearest if it werent for the other fuckers in the brain (caused by you abusing me) then i would've been dead several times over#i am so fucking tired i am so sick of these ppl it is so incredibly painful and terrifying that this is supposed to be my family#this is the one support system i get in life. and it is no support system at all. i am fucked !! i am so unbelievably fucked!!!#i know other ppl make it thru but they are much stronger than me. i am lacking something that they all have lmao. i am cowardly and weak!!!#i have been trying so fucking hard to figure out how to like. make this work. how to survive in this society and its just. impossible#i think we're back to the clock ticking down as my bank account runs out#i cannot be employed and ppl keep telling me disability won't accept me so i am just. unanimously fucked over i suppose#i have two years !! two years until i run out of money!!! thats a lot of time!! to make all the art i want to make!!#i will make this work for these two years i will cope and make my art and disconnect and daydream through the intolerable parts#i will make these two years so good sdfjkl im gonna make it to the end of them#sorry this is all coming flooding out fsjdkl i've just tried so hard to be like. positive abt things and laugh abt things and be okay#im tired of trying to make it okay fdsjkl i am wallowing tonight i guess. boohoo poor little me fdsjkl i'll probably get over it soon#just need to like. let a little of the pressure leak out so i don't completely crack and do smth stupid#it will be okay !!! or as okay as it can be !!! this will be blocked out by tomorrow morning probably!!#or it'll have to be LMAO i have my silly old lady yarn group tomorrow and i need to be Normal for that#suicide tw#abuse tw#ed tw
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my dm asked me to guest in one of his other groups and im really excited but i only had like a week and its TOMORROW and im either 0planning or 100 percent planned kinda person with no inbetween so im just here like....stressed
#im also doing this to help a friend in the group out cause the poor guys dnd character cannot get a date in game#so its like extra stressing cause i fucking hate flirting even in a fake sense im so fucking terrible at it#like i just..... do not know how to flirt everyone ive ever dated has flirted w/ me first#i also have my other game tomorrow right before this one so its like i dont have time but i cant make my brain work it doesnt wanna plan#sam plays dnd#maybe it would help to talk about it to the void? you can send any thought if you read this i guess#im playing the mayor of a town currently being occupied by the army the players are a part of#(not my choice the dms)#my uncle is the regions ruler#i kinda want to play someone who is calm and intelligent and strategic#basically the goal is to get a political marriage to keep me as ruler of the town (and maybe even get higher up)#the dm also mentioned that there is a tarrasque under the city and i can try to lure the players there to kill them off but im like#i can either romance a pc or i can lure them to their death i cannot do both i know the dude wont go for that#so im throwing that detail out but its in the corner of my eye and its stressing me out anyway#maybe ill use it if im rejected? thats not a bad idea
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thank god no major overlaps between bands I want to see this year 🙏
#is it soooo fucked i might leave after waterparks if im tired lmao like ive already seen blink at adjacent & theyre juat like. fine. live &#im more of a casual listener with them same w gd who i would see if they were earlier#but i dont think i wanna jabg arouns for like. 3 hours for them when ive already seen every other band i wabted to before parx. plus i#simply cannot stay until the end of the festival like last year bcus i CANT walk to the hotel so i have to dip early enough to be able to#get a cab#texticles
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