#i didn't add it because this was already so long but phil's ''i'm going back to the party. you gonna be alright?'' is also important

[swords-of-a-soilder]

I've sleep on it here's my beef

If you wanna log in to participate in a event that fine, I get for some CC's purgatory 2 isn't lore (I mean it clearly is, but some players are choosing not to involve it in their lore.) But when you've made the discussion not to take part in the lore you can't ask about it on screen.

I literally got confused when someone told me bad had a reason and to check there lastest reblog, thinking the book gave them the reason and apologising, this fully left me thinking that the residents where told to return home until I was discussing with someone else and realized I fully misread that (I need to wear my glasses more TBh)

But this play apart of the problem because what I except was a lore reason and I went looking for it, just to find out later there is no lore reason bad just calls himself vactionbadboy halo when he wants to log in.

Look I get playing purgatory for fun, I get wanting to log in to see your friends, Tubbo did it, and Pac did it; but the difference with them being they made up a reason to be there (the boat didn't leave) is a completely valid reason.

I can see them going home and then later being drag back to the boat by the incompetent egg Island workers, but jumping back and forth to the island in the middle of purgatory is problematic.

If you don't want to take part in the lore then don't, don't ask questions about what's happening lore wise (on stream he can always inquire in dms ) , don't do things on the Island that messes with other people's lore or breaks the immersion make it easy for the actual people who care about the lore; Ie: fan fiction writers, artists, role players (I am all these things) to pretend you're not there!

This sounds dumb but I genuinely, when lore is happening take note of every little the to go "how can I explain this in lore, how could I enhance this in lore" to help with my fan art or fan works.

Genuinely I have a list of game mechanics,(chat, tabs list, death messages) and have written ways to explain them in lore, so you can imagine my annoyance when someone who isn't supposed to be involved ask questions fresh of a lore event.

I think the confusion to add to it is that Phil has been trying to do more improv on the spot right now rp; like leaving cuucurhoo the notice of the eye guy and keeping his webcam on until a big event ( and I love him for that, genuinely I love lore so much because it feeds art and fan fiction)

But I feel like im being taken a fool when someone who isn't technically supposed to be there asks questions about something they're not supposed to be awear of and even bounces of it like they're in lore "yeah it looks like we're going to war with you guys." we who? You're supposed to be Vacation halo, you aren't in purgatory right, if so how did you get home?!

Get what I'm saying? It sucks because everyone else so far seemed to-do A decent job of staying out of lore if they want to visit some committing to not coming back to the island at all (cough* bolas *cough ) .

If you don't wanna take part in the lore don't complicate the already existing lore, it annoynes me greatly.

I don't mind the attenting events so much, it's the fail rping of discussing something you shouldn't know not long after it happened. (Metagaming)

[bonesandthebees]

ch9 nice

no one is handling this well at all. its interesting to see how different people cope with this, but also that Phil notices that Quackity and Niki are affected most, most likely because Wilbur got caught up in this as well, though who knows if some of it might be for Tommy as well. whether it be anger or resentment in some way.

but Sam. wow he doesn't seem fussed at all, despite treading carefully with his words knowing that others are affected. perhaps Tommy was simply a desperate grasp at power and control and he might just find another way to do it

aw man you're right he can't express them emotions but is still suffering like everyone else awwwww

and the suspicion has fallen on Schlatt. niki sure has some evidence but yeah not watertight but at least some evidence to speculate on. it goes both ways, in that niki is providing some evidence to us that she's either good at covering her tracks (unlikely given her relationship with Wil, but likely because of ruthlessness) or not the perpetrator at all as well as pointing at someone else. AND vouching for quackity damn you're handling all our suspicions

meanwhile, the Bonding Adventure continues. well, not really but at least a turn for the better. i wonder how Phil will react to their relationship now? especially with the parallels with stars, knowing how that turned out with a similar royalty situation but not quite the same. nice that theey're back and now Phil can get right to being the bane of those who hurt his son, whomever that may be

Anyways, have fun on your trip! It sounds super fun, where in the Mediterranean are you going? tbh i've always wanted to go to greece but never been able to. Have fun! - :D

I'd say for the most part quackity and niki are both dealing with their grief for wilbur, but there is definitely some emotion there reserved for tommy. more so for quackity who had a bit more of a soft spot for the kid compared to niki.

sam is... not great at expressing emotions in a normal way. he's also trying to keep things as normal as possible because he doesn't really know what else to do here. stick to the routine, stick to the rules, wait for more answers. he's just really bad at trying to make casual conversation.

niki's evidence is definitely weak, but phil and techno were already looking at schlatt as a likely perpetrator so it only adds further evidence to their theory which is helpful. the big mystery more so surrounds quackity right now. but niki is incredibly confident he didn't know about this and keep in mind, she's one of the only people who actually understands wilbur and quackity's relationship, at least to a certain degree. those outside their close personal circle aren't even sure if wilbur and quackity are close. niki knows they are, and knows that quackity does deeply care for wilbur, so her word holds a lot of weight.

bonding adventure kind of got worse but now they've been rescued! now you guys have to wait and see what phil thinks about wilbur's developing ideas towards tommy as a potential ruler

thank youuu I'm very excited for my trip!! we've been planning this for a long time now and it's so close it feels a bit unreal. I actually am going to greece! athens and crete to be specific. I've never been before and I'm so hyped for it. we're also going over to italy afterwards and we're going to hop around some of the major cities there which I'm also so so excited for. I've been to rome once but it was only for a few days and I loved it so much, so I'm thrilled to be going again

[cosmolog]

Duskwood Detectives

(Jake Love Story)

Part 6

"A witness? Who?" Alan asked.

"Me. I was on a video call with Richy before he...well, before he faked his death" She told him. "He told me he was The Man Without a Face and that he was the one who attacked Jessy. But after that he told me Phil had threatened to kill him if he didn't do it"

"So you're saying he was blackmailed?" Alan asked.

"Yes. I know he wouldn't have hurt Jessy if he had the choice" she said.

Alan was silent for a minute before he said. "Alright, fine. But you need to come down to the station so we can discuss this further, okay?"

"Of course, as soon as I'm finished with what I have to do in Forest-Edge I'll get back to Duskwood and we'll talk then" Y/n said, before hanging up and getting out of the bed.

She sighed before getting dressed, then walking to the the kitchen where Jake, now also fully dressed was making coffee. "I'm really sorry I intruded on your call. I completely forgot you were here. I'm so used to living alone-"

"Don't worry about it. It's fine, Jake" Y/n shook her head, dismissing his apology. "Besides, I was gonna tell you who called me anyway."

Jake looked up at her, handing her a coffee. "Who?"

"Alan Bloomgate." Y/n told him, sitting down.

"Bloomgate? He's still looking for me" Jake sighed. "What did he say?"

"He said he wants me to go down to the station and have a chat with him about Richy and you"

"And you said you would go?" Jake asked in disbelief.

"He threatened to add me to his criminal watchlist if I didn't, he's got a spot saved for my name right under yours" Y/n said.

Jake put his cup down on the table before starting to slowly pace around the room. "Did you tell him where you were?"

"He already knew. He tracked my phone" Y/n replied.

"Well then we'll have to get you a new phone" Jake said. "A safer one"

Y/n looked down at her phone then back up at Jake. "Fine by me"

"And we'll have to move state again" Jake said.

"Okay, not really fine by me" Y/n shook her head. "We can't spend the rest of our lives on the run, Jake. That just raises suspicions that we might have done something we shouldn't have"

"You may not have done anything against the law but I have, Y/n. Hacking into people's phones to listen in on their conversations and hacking into criminal databases is illegal" Jake said.

Y/n looked at him, confused. "Why were you hacking into criminal databases?" She asked.

"I...Uh" Jake stuttered out, breaking eye contact with her. "I was looking into Phil's criminal files"

"Why?" She asked, standing up and walking closer to him.

"To see how long I had to make you safe before he gets out of jail" Jake said.

"And?" Y/n waited.

"He'll be out later next year because of his good behaviour. They're thinking of letting him go free again" Jake said.

"What?" Y/n exclaimed. "He should be doing five more years, this is wrong!"

"I know. But as long as he stays the hell away from us, we'll be fine." Jake reasurred.

"He's dangerous, Jake. You can't just say he'll leave us alone, after what happened. He's a dog. He'll be looking for us the minute they let him loose" Y/n warned.

"Well then I'll be waiting for him with a gun in my hand, don't worry" Jake replied, his voice grown as stern as Y/n's.

Y/n sighed. "Fine, let's run. I'll pack my stuff and we can go far away" She said sarcastically.

"I want you to be safe" Jake said, defeatedly.

"And I want the same for you. But Jake, I really don't think I'll be able to run for the rest of my life away from that asshole" Y/n shook her head.

"You won't be, I promise" Jake said, his voice now soft. "Now can we please stop the arguing and make some breakfast, please?"

"We're not arguing" Y/n said quietly, making Jake sigh.

"We're not, you're right. Wrong choice of words, sorry" Jake brought her into a hug. "I never want to argue with you"

"I'm sorry too, Jake. These types of situations seem to always find their way into our lives, don't they?" She smiled, sadly. She looked up at him as he gave a small smile back.

"Well, hopefully this is the last time" He whispered back, reaching his hand up to cup her cheek, slowly running his thumb under her eye before his gaze dropped to her lips. "I really care about you, Y/n. Ever since I met you, you have struck my interest."

"I find you quite fascinating, too" Y/n repeated his words to her from many years ago.

Jake let out a small chuckle as she smirked. Jake lent forward, placing a soft kiss to her cheek before pulling away slowly. "You missed" Y/n joked. "Let me show you how it's done" She wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her lips to his. Jake was shocked, he didn't know how to react at first but eventually started to kiss back.

The kiss felt as perfect as perfect can be, it felt touch-starved, like when a beginning and an end finally make a story come together. They were longing for each other, missing one another. And now they were finally together after so long being so far apart.

When they finally pulled away, Jake remembered something. "I forgot to buy food for breakfast..." He whispered.

Y/n chuckled. "It's okay, we'll eat out. Let's go" She took his hand and walked out of the house. "Where's your car?"

"Car? I don't drive cars" Jake said. After a few seconds of silence, he added, not sure how she'd react. "But I do ride motorbikes"

"You have a motorbike?" Y/n smiled excitedly.

"Ever been on one?" He asked, now guiding her to his garage and pressing the button to open it. The garage door slowly revealed a all black, sports-type motorbike. "Good thing I bought an extra helmet" Jake smiled, grabbing the helmets and putting his on before helping Y/n with her's.

"How do I look?" Y/n asked jokingly turning around in a circle.

"Like an angel" Jake smiled, making Y/n jokingly roll her eyes and put his visor down making him chuckle again.

"Alright, you're gonna put your feet here and sit up here. You can hold onto me because when we go around corners, the closer you are the more in sync you will be with me when we lean with the bike, okay?" Jake explained, getting on the bike after he put some gloves and safety equipment on himself and Y/n.

"Smooth choice getting a bike" Y/n laughed, before getting onto the bike, sitting behind him and wrapping her arms around his middle, closing the gap between them. "That close enough?" She asked as heat suddenly rose in Jake's face.

He cleared his throat then put his visor down. "Yeah, are you- are you comfortable?" He stuttered a bit.

Y/n put her own visor down and snuggled into him. "Very. You?"

"Very" Jake repeated back, before starting up the bike and revving the engine a bit before slowly rolling out of the drive and onto the road where he picked up a steady speed. "I'll let you know when I'm gonna turn or go faster, okay?" He yelled back to her.

"Okay!" She replied, smiling so hard her face was starting to hurt.

He got out to an open road. It was very early so the roads were pretty empty, so it was the perfect time to test out the accelerator.

"Do you mind if I speed up?" Jake asked.

"Not at all!" Y/n replied. "Put her through her paces!"

Jake accelerated, the roar of the engine mixed with the wind blowing loudly filled their ears. Y/n cheered, hugging Jake tighter making him laugh.

The sun was making an appearance just over the horizon, mixing night and day in a beautiful hour of thrills and excitement.

When they got back from getting breakfast at a local cafe, Jake helped Y/n removed her gear. When he took off her helmet, she immediately kissed him. This time he kissed back straight away, hesitantly resting his hand on her waist to hold her closer.

"Thank you for today" Y/n smiled once they pulled away.

"It's only the morning. We're just getting started" Jake laughed.

"I'm gonna need an afternoon motorbike ride later on, then" Y/n laughed with him.

[considermygenderminecrafted]

C!Phil Ramble

Phil is so, hard to talk about. Because like, his character is so subtle its really something that it built over time, but it's so there. And he is genuinely fuckin Devastating.

I've just got done transcribing some dialogue from both his discussion with Techno before Techno visits dream, and then I transcribed some dialogue where Phil asks Ranboo more about the experiments, and they are... painfully similar.

The thing that stands out is how, all Phil wants is for the people he loves to be careful, just to try to be safe. He asks for nothing more, the smallest thing, and he can't get it.

P: [Sighs] [Looks away] Alright, well T: [Pause] Alright. P: Be safe, just be safe alright? T: I’m off Phil P: Don’t take any unnecessary risks. [T pauses and looks away] P: Okay, alright. T: Yeah P: Bye mate…

[link to all transcribed dialogue, it was just practice for characterization/writing, so it plots some tone and eye line movement if it felt important, its not formatted to be captions]

And he knows he can't. He just has to watch again and again as his world crumbles again and again. It's this line that has been so consistent, he loses people to self destruction. He just cannot bear to lose people to the same mistakes, Like he states the reason he did doomsday is:

"People can't be replaced. I'm not losing.. anyone else. [pause] I'm not losing anyone else. Not to this bullshit. " {source]

And he will have to. He will have to and he just has to watch. Like maybe not to "This bullshit" but he will have to watch as the people he loves destroy themselves again and again. And he won't stop them.

You know I tend to view Phil as a morally complex character, and there are some principle's he seems to hold Very dearly to himself and one of those is he will not deny someone agency. Pretty much No Matter What. Its the reason he killed Wil, it's the reason he won't stop Ranboo's experiments, even if he can hear them at night, its the reason he didn't stop Techno going to visit Dream. And so he will not stop them, he will not stop them he just has to watch. AND THAT'S A LOT!

/// So much of his dialogue is genuinely so subtle, and idek if half of it is intended, but it so much of his like, fear and grief and emotions are in these, little things.

P: [Pause] So how long do I wait? 2-2 days? 3 days? A week?

In the face of it this is already a lot. He's asking how long he should wait till he read Techno's will, how long before he has to consider another loved one dead enough to read their will. But the context of knowing he had to decide how long he'd wait for Wil's letter, before he tried to intervene and check on Wil, and knowing he chose wrong just, adds to the weight of it

You get scars, if you, if you keep repeating too often, if the cut, if- if the- if, if it’s- if the- the pain, or the damage is too deep you get scars, Ranboo. And scars, scar tissue-

This is Phil trying to tell Ranboo how scars form, it's an attempt to communicate that scars are badly healed skin, its an attempt to tell Ranboo that he will have to hurt himself a lot to get the "resistance" he talks about. Which is again, already a lot. But the context of this conversation is it occurs directly after Phil sees Wilbur alive again, and suddenly these words about repeated injury, the focus on pain by accident, instead of how scars form, mean a lot more.

P: Mistakes can happen even if you don’t- [walks out the door past Ranboo] you don’t intend them to.

In the clip of this you can hear his voice break a little on "don't" and the context of it Wilbur just having thanked him for killing him is suddenly Pulled into view. Like these conversations he has where he is entirely IC are so fuckin, full of these things the seep through the cracks in ceramics we assumed to be in one piece.

Fuck I could go on and on. There's this book he writes about they day after NOV16 and about trying to find a way to bring Wilbur back, and it's so, quietly understated in its metaphors. Like the way he describes how he felt as "cold and guilty, torn apart from the inside out" and then he talks about how he's moved to a new place which is "is very nice, thought empty" and that he likes the ice because it reminds him of simpler times. And like man if that isn't something of a perfect little look into his relationship with grief and guilt. There's another time where he fails to save a fox from "drowning itself" (in his words) and it just, sets something off in him and he has to leave immediately. He says "everything that comes near me dies. I'm a terrible parent" and then later he says "I killed a fox just by being around it" and it is the most explicitly view we get into how Phil sees himself, like how he actually sees himself. And it's just like a line he says out of the blue but it's something that crops up so often. We see how much of shit he takes on, how much he assumes responsibility for those he cares about, how he sees himself in other peoples lives. As curse. And suddenly shit makes a lot more sense, he's scared of hurting the people he loves, of people getting hurt because he loves them.

like MAN, Phil is just such a wonderfully subtle character. He really is someone you have to experience by watching him over time. This sorta subtle shit is one of the reasons I started my clipping habit, because its so hard to evidence shit with him. Its so much more than the sum of the individual parts. I have so much more to say but i'll end this Absolute Mess of a ramble here. Philza fucking Minecraft, everybody

[beepboop358]

A Prom in S4 Theory & Music Coding Predictions

Some leaked set pics indicate that there MAY BE a junior/senior prom at Hawkins High, which they are calling the "Lover's Ball". It's unclear if this prom will be included on screen, or if it will just be mentioned as an event coming up at Hawkins High because this flyer could just extra set decor. Regardless if the prom happens on screen or not, there will probably be some tension about 'who's asking who' to the prom that we will see in s4. Given that this picture was just leaked a few weeks ago, it probably falls closer to the end of the season sequentially.

Having a big school dance in s4 is suspiciously close to how they had the Snowball scene in s2. This would certainly follow the even/odd season patterns, (and actually add to the list of the patterns), which kind of makes me think we will see this prom on screen, or at the very least it will be mentioned in the course of the season.

The Duffer Brothers love Steven King and reference his work and especially 'IT' a lot in the show, but they haven't done anything with Carrie yet so maybe we will get a Carrie moment this season at the prom...

Carrie was on the video store fridays movie inspiration board for ST4.

At the "Lover's Ball", there will be definitely be some music coding relating to Byler. Since music coding is kind of a key thing in the show, I've been rifling through 80's songs to try and find some that may fit with s4's themes/character storylines (and I may do a seperate post about that later), but for this post I'm just gonna focus on what they might use at the prom for relating to Byler.

Since the season is most likely going to take place in 1986, I only selected songs that had a compatible release year so it would be historically accurate. (these songs would also be great for a byler playlist!)

Some strong contenders for the songs that might play at the prom to reference Mike and Will's relationship could be:

"True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper (1986)

This song is honestly too good of an option for them not to use. I'm reallllyyy crossing my fingers for this one.

It's hard to take courage In a world full of people You can lose sight of it all And the darkness inside you Can make you feel so small

"And I see your true colors Shining through I see your true colors And that's why I love you So don't be afraid (don't be afraid) To let them show your true colors True colors are beautiful (you're beautiful, oh) Like a rainbow Oh oh oh oh oh like a rainbow"

If this world makes you crazy And you've taken all you can bear You call me up Because you know I'll be there

"Heaven" by Bryan Adams (1984)

This first verse is literally just the story of Byler... 😭 The rest of the song applies but that verse verse is just sooooo accurate. (I'm crossing my fingers for this one too)

"Oh thinkin' about all our younger years There was only you and me We were young and wild and free Now nothing can take you away from me We've been down that road before But that's over now You keep me comin' back for more

Baby you're all that I want When you're lyin' here in my arms I'm findin' it hard to believe We're in heaven And love is all that I need And I found it there in your heart Isn't too hard to see We're in heaven

Oh once in your life you find someone Who will turn your world around Bring you up when you're feelin' down Yeah nothin' can change what you mean to me Oh there's lots that I could say But just hold me now 'Cause our love will light the way"

"Take My Breath Away" by Berlin (1986)

This song is on Will's Spotify playlist, and I thought it could also be used at the prom since it's a romantic song. I see it as an 'entrance to the prom' moment song, almost like a 'first look' - like the Mike and El moment at the snowball when she first walks in, but with Mike and Will this time. I think the lyrics clearly hint to this kind of 'first look' moment as well.

"Watchin' every motion in my foolish lover's game On this endless ocean, finally lovers know no shame Turning and returning to some secret place inside Watchin' in slow motion as you turn around and say...take my breath away"

Watchin' every motion in this foolish lover's game Haunted by the notion, somewhere there's a love in flames Turning and returning to some secret place inside Watchin' in slow motion as you turn my way and say...take my breath away"

"In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins (1981)

This song was originally meant to be included in the snowball scene from s2, but it ultimately was not used and "Every Breath You Take" was used for this scene instead. Since it was intended to be a part of the s2 dance, that's why I think it may be used at the prom this season. (you can read the scripts on 8flix)

——— I forgot to include this explanation originally BUT, I think this song might be used to show some anger/resentment between the two, and to show a decent amount of tension, depending on their development this season. Like maybe Mike is kind of leading Will on in private by continuing to initiate intimate scenes between them, but in public Mike is still trying to put on his “straight boy act” and kind of being a jackass about it, and this song could be used to show the tension between them that has caused.

"And I've been waiting for this moment, for all my life, (Oh lord)

Well, I was there and I saw what you did I saw it with my own two eyes So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been It's all been a pack of lies.

Well I remember, I remember don't worry How could I ever forget It's the first time, the last time we ever met But I know the reason why you keep this silence up

No you don't fool me The hurt doesn't show, but the pain still grows It's no stranger to you and me"

"In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel (1986)

Some of the lyrics in this song just SCREAMS byler, just look at the 1st, 2nd and 4th paragraphs. I would be suprised if they didn't use this song in either s4/s5.

Love, I get so lost sometimes Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart When I want to run away I drive off in my car But whichever way I go I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return The grand facade, so soon will burn Without a noise, without my pride I reach out from the inside

In your eyes The light, the heat (in your eyes) I am complete (in your eyes) I see the doorway (in your eyes) To a thousand churches (in your eyes) The resolution (in your eyes) Of all the fruitless searches (in your eyes)

Love, I don't like to see so much pain So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away I get so tired working so hard for our survival I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

"Heroes" by David Bowie (1975)

David Bowie was bisexual. A cover of his song “Heroes” is used in the show twice already, sung by Peter Gabriel. The song plays when they pull Will's fake body out of the water in season one and Mike cries in his Mom's arms, with some very queer-coded lyrics in the background, and after Hopper's letter in s3 (which is very Byler-centric)

"I will be king. And you, you will be queen 'Cause we're lovers, and that is a fact. Yes, we're lovers, and that is that. Though nothing will keep us together. We could steal time just for one day We can be heroes forever and ever. What d'you say? I, I wish I could swim, like dolphins, like dolphins could swim I, I can remember (I remember) Standing by the wall (By the wall) And the guns shot above our heads (Over our heads) And we kissed as though nothing could fall (Nothing could fall) And the shame was on the other side. Oh, we can beat them forever and ever. Then we could be heroes just for one day We're nothing, and nothing will help us Maybe we're lying, then you better not stay But we could be safer just for one day"

I just thought the above songs might be some highly likely possibilities given that they fit the year of the s4 and also make references to not only love, but the idea of hiding, pain, shame, longing, etc., and can make some (partially stretching here) references to other things in the show such as:

RAINBOWS and TRUE COLORS, SHINING THROUGH (rainbows imagery is always associated with Mike & Will in the show and a is symbol of lgbtq+ pride, True Colors shining through = who you really are on the inside finally coming out)

IF THIS WORLD MAKES YOU CRAZY ("crazy together", "only love makes you that crazy" and references the "world" motif in the show)

YOUNGER YEARS, ONLY YOU AND ME, YOUNG, WILD AND FREE (references "not wanting things to change" and wanting "to make things go how they were" part in Hopper's letter, and the "But we're not kids anymore" comment during the Byler fight)

ENDLESS OCEAN and SWIM, LIKE DOLPHINS (references water's significance in the show)

FLAMES (Will in front of the burning car in s4 teaser?)

LIES and LYING (Mike lying to El about how he feels)

INSTINCTS RETURNING, FACADES BURNING, WITHOUT MY PRIDE, I REACH OUT FROM THE INSIDE (Mike's feelings for Will are his instincts, the facade is the act he put on in s3 to seem straight, burning could reference Will & fire, and I think the last 2 lines of that 2nd verse reference vulnerability- perhaps in an apology/confession)

I GET SO LOST (confusion about his sexuality, feeling lost without the other) and SO MUCH WASTED TIME (known each other since kindergarten but were unaware the other felt the same way/was dealing with same things, they could have been even closer)

KINGS and QUEENS (the d&d game mike wrote where he has king Tristan give him a medal in s1)

STEALING TIME (references "turning back the clock, to make things go how they were" part in Hopper's letter and the time theme in s4 and time is central to the s4 plot)

AND WE KISS - AND THE SHAME (references the shame they both feel about being gay since it was so stigmatized in the 80's)

Byler @ Prom Possibilities:

If Mike and Will did dance together at the prom, they will probably get bullied because they live in a small conservative town. They will probably either run out, upset, or Eleven will step in to protect them which could lead to the Carrie moment.

Or Mike and Will will not dance together in the actual dance room, but instead sneak off to somewhere else in the school and have a private Byler dance moment where they can't be teased and it's just them together.

OR Mike and Will are still acting weird at this point in the season because neither of them is communicating what needs to be said out of fear, or one of them has confessed or done something to indicate how they feel, but the other hasn’t so everything is weird between them. There would be lots of tension from this and we would get lots of longing looks and adoring moments between the two of them from the sidelines. (I think this one is the most likely)

[stellocchia]

Uhhhh... Motherfucking au where everything's the same but SBI is canon and techno is a person with morals and empathy.

So the 16th was an overreaction and he actually regrets it. He got really swept away with everything in pogtopia and Wilbur egging everything on didn't help. So when he starts his retirement he actually means it and there's no wither arc

He still forgets to tell anyone he's in retirement so the butcher army kinda happens as it did before. He actually willingly follows them back to lmanberg for a trial (he doesn't just immediatelly comply with them of course but no actual battle Takes place)

He gets executed without trial and wether he has the totem or not he doesn't use it. He loses a life, figuring that if he gives them their show of power this whole shitshow is finally gonna be over.

He finds Tommy and like any decent person but especially a brother he takes him in officially. No raccooning needed. He focuses on helping Tommy recover a bit, both physically and mentally while doing his thing and keeping an eye out for lmanberg, if they decide one life wasn't enough.

Hiding from dream and stuff is p much the same

Phil comes back by himself.

They don't exactly have any reason to go to lmanberg so they don't exactly do.

Well. Mostly. They sometimes sneak around especially when dream is there to kinda scout what's going on. It's a compromise. Techno is gonna support him in getting stronger and getting info for his endgoal of getting the disks back and Tommy will hold back for now and be patient.

Butcher army still moves onto dream anyways because... Idk I feel like quackity would've gotten to him anyways like. Why not yknow.

The festival happens and the community House scene is pretty similar

Dream blames it on Tommy, wants the disc tubbo has, Tommy reveals himself.

The whole thing is just hilarious because. Yknow. People didn't know Tommy was alive. So first they thought dream was insane and then Tommy fckin entered the stage. Techno backs him up. Tubbo is pissed. His reasons are pretty different while also being pretty much the same.

Tommy let him think he killed himself and was okay doing so while going after his stupid discs. He's alive so there's the possibility he actually did blow up the community House and give them trouble with dream. Lmanberg and techno aren't cool or anything. After the execution they were just mutually ignoring each other. Lmanberg thinking he was like. Scared or some shit.

Listen. Tubbos just been having a hard time ok.

They still kinda have their shouting match because both have been bottling up shit

Dream gets the disc

Dream announces doomsday

Tommy sides with tubbo

Techno is ok with that. He didn't have an agenda. He's in retirement. He makes it clear though that this means that that's where they part. Techno's taking his retirement very serious. Techno and him had the compromise that techno would help Tommy get ready to get the disks back before releasing him back into the wild. If Tommy gets involved now, this deal ends.

Techno's Not getting involved with this conflict.

Tommy pretends to think for a few seconds but there was never a decision to be made in his mind.

They hug and part ways

Tommy still rallies the people

It still falls apart after he leaves

People are still pissed at him

So doomsday arrives and it goes pretty much the same except. Yknow. No techno or philza.

Dream releases several withers like. One or two hours early because he's a fucking bitch. (Here he actually has wither skulls himself)

And when I say several I mean several

Once he has enough spreading chaos and keeping everyone busy he builds the tnt grid and yeah.

Lmanberg is a crater anyways.

However. Philza (who in this au actually bothered to learn about the country he helped rebuilt and lived in for weeks) went and got all of ghostburs stuff the night before because. Yknow. I want him to a bit more of a good person in this.

Also. Yknow. Friend.

There's still a lot of shit blown up. The minecraft-blade-soot-innit family ain't saints. They got ghostburs shit. That's it.

So afterwards most of the shit goes the same with dream. The scenes on the grid etc etc etc

When Tommy after a long day enters his house there's technoblade and Phil and ghostbur who've been waiting for him to come home after that shitshow. They comfort him, tell him he can always come visit them in the Arctic or even live there with them if he wanted. He declined but thanks them anyways

They spend the night just to make sure he'll be okay.

The next day they go back to the antarctic

Mostly the same stuff as in canon happens

Tommy and Tubbo still get the gear for the fight against dream themselves. Tommy made the decision to do the disc thing without techno during the community House scene and he wants to respect techno by not going back on that. Though he knows if really necessary he could go and barely need to do any convincing for Techno to help him out with some gear

Getting worried about tubbo he doesn't want to chance it but not wanting to put techno on the spot he tries to steal and very similar to canon techno just pretends to be too busy to care.

When they leave techno Phil and ghostbur are also waiting for them though not on the prime path. They're a bit off to the side and them and the duo don't talk. Tommy's already done that with them after he got dreams invitation. Theyre just there to see him go off.

They're not with the saving group but they don't need to be and one of the first things Tommy does after his victory is private message them that he's safe and they won and dreams in prison.

He comes over for dinner the next day to tell them in more detail so they know what's going on and that's about it for season 2

I'm not getting into season 3 now and probably never but a few tidbits about it

Tommy still has to somewhat earn the diamonds for his hotel from philza. The minecraft-blade-soot-innit family might be semi functional but that doesn't mean Phil just gives them money whenever they ask for it. That's not how you raise kids.

Tommy obviously sends them an invite to the hotel opening anyways and techno asks what the VIP perks are

Tubbo and Tommy still have to work through a lot just like in canon. Add to that that tubbo doesn't quite know what to think about Tommy and his family being this close again. On one hand they weren't involved with doomsday like in canon and have just been keeping to themselves since Techno's execution. On the other Techno's behaviour in season 1 is still fresh in his mind and "he was having a rough patch" kind of doesn't just give him closure on that. Like he's not mad. He just doesn't know what to think of it. Cuz like. Techno's not trying to redeem himself or anything. He started his retirement because after getting out of that ravine and the adrenaline fading and just having time to think and realize what happened he realized that he couldn't let himself be controlled by the voices anymore so it's like. Going from full on alcoholic to no alcohol at all ever within a day. And to make that possible he focuses just on his retirement. This isn't about becoming a better person per se it's about not getting so strung up in shit that you tell your younger brother to die while sicking withers on him. He recognizes that he fucked up. He accepted lmanbergs judgement of executing him. Now he just wants his fckin peace. And that's kinda weird to think about for someone in tubbos position. Because. Yeah.

Thinking about Tommy spending time with his family like everything's peachy irks him because. Kinda makes it seem like everything's resolved. Like he's okay with them just having a happy ending despite them not really deserving one. But with time he realizes that Tommy needs them as a support system and that getting worked up about it just isn't worth it.

Uhhhhh and that's about it I think

Ooooh, semi-functional family sbi and clingy duo angst? Love that!

I do wonder how the whole exile debacle would go if they were actual family, especially considering that Phil was in New L'Manburg and therefore knew about the exile and could go visit Tommy freely, same with Techno actually (except for the being in New L'Manburg part), but, like, for him we can pretend he didn't know. Like, would Phil try and go visit Tommy more then once? Or would Dream find a way to keep him away? Maybe make him think he has no right to meddle with Tommy's life just now?

Also I wonder how Ranboo would be involved in all of this. Because if Techno and Phil were not there during Doomsday I doubt they invited him to live with them and I doubt they made the Syndicate, so would Ranboo live with Tuboo? Would he try to act as a sort of mediator for Clingy Duo?

Like, there are so many possibilities for this....

[logan-please-smile-speaks]

[Long, Tw food (in depth descriptions), brief references to unnamed heavenly beings of no specified religion, brief reference to hell. Not really any angst. Just good Dadza.]

[Hurt/comfort my beloved]

Me: i can't write

Also me: writes an entire fic by accident while telling my friend about an idea I had

(I'm gonna need this ask back at some point so don't keep it too long, okay? But make sure to take care of yourself (unlike Techno sksksks))

(How many words is this) (Cenn I've been writing this for like 3-4 hours. I've been hyperfixating on this)

-@2ble

I had this really cute idea where Techno gets sick after doomsday and Dadza takes care of him (for an animatic, or? How should i draw techno?)

Phil's Dadza side kicks in. He gently pushes Techno, who is in full garb back into bed. "Techno, you're sick. You can't go."

"But I haven't streamed in 2 weeks!"

"Rest."

Techno turns on his side in bed. Dadza gently pulls the blankets up and tucks them around Techno. Techno begins to cough, and the coughs rack his body. Dadza's expression is soft and concerned. He rubs his hand on Techno's back until he stops coughing. Techno closes his eyes. He's exhausted.

Dadza takes Techno's crown and places it on the bedside table.

He observes his ill friend. Techno is nothing like what he was up until Doomsday. He seemed--weak. Vulnerable. Sick.

"Have you had anything to eat, Techno?"

Techno doesn't open his eyes. He shakes his head. "I ran out of food a few days ago. I meant to get more but..." Techno doesn't want to admit that he couldn't get downstairs. He doesn't want to admit to weakness, to vulnerability. But everytime he thought of searching through chests, of trading with the villagers, they just seemed so far away.

Phil noticed a tear leaking out from Techno's eyelid. If he brushed it away, Techno would feel worse about his state because it would mean he was in fact vulnerable.

"I'll make you some stew."

Phil goes downstairs and tends to the fireplace. The fire seemed to have gone out sometime between now and the last time Phil checked on Techno.

How long has the house been this cold?

Phil builds up the fire and puts a cauldron over it. He makes mushroom stew because he doesn't know if techno can stomach rabbit stew.

When it's ready, he ladels it into a bowl and climbs the ladder.

Hanging off the ladder by one hand, he calls out. "Techno, stew's ready."

Techno's eyes flutter open. He sees his friend holding out a bowl of food and his eyes widen.

Phil notices that Techno is sweating and the blanket strewn to the side, only covering his feet.

"Are you too hot mate?" he asks.

Techno is broiling but he can't summon the strength to take off his outer clothes. His body refuses.

He's more focused on food. He's starving, and his body uses up what little resources it has left to sweat.

Phil walks over and puts the stew on the table. The heavenly aroma fills the room.

"Let's get this coat off of you." Phil reaches around Techno and unclasps the chain on his neck. He gently pulls the coat off of Techno's arm but he's still laying on it.

"Techno," Phil says.

"Whaaat," Techno drawls.

"You got to let me get this coat off ya mate."

Techno lets out a deep groan, then turns over on his stomach so his other arm is towards Phil.

Phil reaches under techno and grasps the coat. He pulls it out from under Techno and off his arm. The sleeve turns inside out. Phil fixes the sleeve and hangs up the coat.

Techno's shirt is drenched in sweat. He rolls over and starts fidddling with the button closest to his throat, looking up at Phil.

"Here, I'll get that for you." Phil undoes the button. He can't imagine how tired techno must've been after Doomsday, that he just collapsed in bed fully clothed, not even bothering to loosen them.

At least he took off his armor. Sh-t's heavy, he thinks. Phil ignores the fact that after the adrenaline and excitement wore off, the sore and tired Technoblade probably couldn't move with it on.

Phil pulls the blanket off the bed entirely, folds it, and places it on the table next to the stew. He pulls off Techno's shoes and socks and puts them near his coat.

They were also drenched with sweat, not to mention the smell--but it doesn't bother Phil all that much. He's smelled worse. He's frowns at the imprints on Techno's legs from the socks.

Phil loosens the rest of Techno's clothes. Techno seemed to were his tightest, least comfortable, most regal outfit to Doomsday.

Lucky for them both most of that was just accesories and pins, and Phil could easily remove those.

While Phil was doing this, Techno had been lying on his back, eyes closed. Though Techno tended to be stone-faced, Phil noticed the relief on Techno's face.

"How you feelin', Techno?"

"Philzaaa,"

"Yeah?"

Techno opens his eyes halfway, just enough to see Philza and the bottom of the bed.

"Do you have water?"

Phil procures a water bucket from his bag. "Thirsty mate?"

Techno looks at the water bucket and a small smile creeps over his face.

Phil smiles at his friend. He moves to the head of the bed and looped his arm and tattered wing around Techno and sits him up.

He holds the bucket up to Techno's mouth and tips it to his lips. Techno sips gratefully as the cool liquid pours over his hot, dry mouth and down his throat, cooling him from the inside.

"You've lost quite a bit of fluid, mate."

Techno lets some of the cold water slip out the sides of his mouth and drip down his face. His skin is boiling. The water dropelts running down his skin feel like heavenly beings allowing drops of mercy to fall upon him in the pit of hell.

Techno pulls back briefly to swallow and catch his breath and Phil rights the bucket. Techno leans in again for more water.

After drinking his fill, Techno leans back and wipes his mouth with his arm.

"All done, Techno?"

Techno swings his arms up knocks the bucket out of Phil's hand, dumping it on his head. The gush of water cools Techno, drenches the bed, and spills all over the room. Phil can't help but laugh. He picks up the bucket and scoops up the water source. He puts the bucket back in his bag.

"Had enough of the water?"

"Philza--I gotta be honest with you, Philza I haven't felt this good in weeks."

Phil laughs again even louder. The two friends are now in a good mood.

"Well now your stew is probably cold too." Phil tastes it. "Actually it's a bit warm still. Not too hot, either."

Techno scoots towards the wall and leans on it. He reaches for the bowl.

"Oh, no you don't."

"Phil, I'm a grown man-pig. I can hold a bowl."

"Maybe on a good day, Techno, but three minutes ago you couldn't sit up by yourself. No offense mate, but I don't think your arms have enough stamina right now. Now come on and eat."

Phil lifts the bowl to Techno's lips and lets him sip at his own pace. He pulls it back.

"How does it taste?"

"Pretty good but could maybe use a little salt."

"Eh, you probably need electrolytes as well after sweating through your clothes and drinking all that water."

Phil put the bowl on the downstairs counter.

Phil found salt in the downstairs chest and stirred it into the cauldron.

He heard the bowl fall to the floor behind him. It fell facedown and spilt on the floor.

Phil swore quietly.

He got a new bowl and more stew from the cauldron.

"How is it?" Techno inquired.

"Try for yourself," Phil said. He smiled as he held the bowl to Techno.

Techno looked at the bowl, then up at Phil. He took a sip.

Techno pulled back and looked at the bowl.

Phil thought he may have tainted the stew somehow. "Is it bad?" he started to say.

But he didn't quite get out anything after "Is" because Techno cut him off.

"It's delicious." Techno looked up at his friend. "Philza Minecraft, you should be a chef. This is the most wonderful thing I've ever tasted."

Phil chuckled. "All I did was add salt, what ya mean?"

"Phil, you have to sell this stew to the rest of the SMP. We could get rich!"

"Techno, I think the sickness may have gotten to your head a bit."

"Phil, I've never been more serious about anything in my entire life. We could be the the most powerful people on the server!"

"We already are. We just blew up a country. Down to bedrock."

"But we could get even more rich and powerful!"

"Well I'll be happy to listen after you eat. And rest. And bathe."

"I don't need to bathe."

"You're not getting out of it. You reek, mate."

"You can't judge me by the smell!"

"I'm not worried about the smell so much as what the smell tells me about your body. I don't know when the last time you washed was but it was definitely before Doomsday and I can't have you laying in your own sweat and filth for much longer. It's sh-t for your health, Techno."

"Philza--"

"Please just eat, Techno."

Techno leaned his head forward slightly and Phil pressed the bowl to Techno's lips.

Techno closed his eyes and savored the flavors. They were so pleasant, so soothing, so comforting. They reminded him of a time when he was safe and there was no betrayal. No war. No need for violence and bloodshed and destruction.

Phil, being a good Dadza friend, made sure that Techno ate an entire bowl. He brought Techno another bowl upon his request, of which he ate half, then left the other half bowl on the table in case Techno got hungry later.

After changing Techno's bed to clean, dry sheets and tucking his friend back into bed, he went downstairs to clean up the spill. He told Techno he would be back at sunrise to check on him. Though he might come earlier just in case. Sunrise was just the latest. Phil had decided that since Techno had gotten through the brunt of his hibernation and was now waking up sick, he should check on him at least twice a day.

Phil scrubbed the dried stew off the floor. He wondered what could've made Techno love it so much. Mere salt couldn't have made it so delicious, could it?

Phil finished cleaning the floor and the bowl and put everything away. As he was about to leave, he stopped. Eyes locked on the cauldron. There was something about it.

I can't leave that there, he reasoned. It will go to waste. If Techno like it, I can't let it waste or burn. I should freeze it outside.

Phil took out a bowl and knelt in front of the fire place. He scoop up big, full ladels into his bowl. Could it be that the soup was really that much better with something as basic as salt?

Phil dipped his finger in the bowl and sucked the stew off of it. He was instantly transported to his childhood. His mind played out feelings of safety, of healing, of comfort, of rest.

He heard his family laughing, remembered learning how to fly, the first time he soared high, feeling the wind beneath his wings. He remembered when Wilbur was born, holding the tiny baby in his arms, filled with love. "I'll always protect you. I'll always be there for you." When he met Techno, when he built the bee farm, and so on.

Phil was moved to tears. He felt loved. He felt like someone loved him no matter his flaws, his mistakes. Phil cried.

It was not out of pain but rather emotion. He wiped away his tears and drank the rest of the stew in his bowl, but it only caused more tears to stream down his face.

Techno was right.

Outside, watching through the window was the one who made the soup what it was. It wasn't Phil's salt.

He stood on his hind legs, paws pressed against the wall of the house.

He had been listening to the two friends talk, had been watching protectively as the wind ruffled his thick white fur.

He was Technoblade's guardian.

Soon he would be called Steve.

2ble this is literally amazing hello????

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tommy

Ali: [Let us assume he has gone back to school now and this was a weekend affair] Ali: You forgot your 🕯 Ali: expect it in the post, minus the disappointed note from Ro I've taken out Ali: ✈️ trips not guilt trips, welcome Tommy: leave it in, LOVE to hear what she's gotta say about why I'M the one being a holy show Ali: You aren't respecting the sanctity of her offering, is very much the point and gist Ali: she put more letters to it, as standard Tommy: 'course she did Ali: It does mean a lot to her Ali: but yeah, nice to have my 📅 to myself again, can't lie Tommy: meant so much she fucked off soon as the 🎂 candles were out Ali: You know she isn't the party 'til dawn sort Ali: anyway, they'd be coming in for morning service 😅 Tommy: I know it's her party & she can 😭 if she wants to Ali: If I'd known that was the theme, could've made party bags with 🧅 & 🧻 Ali: well, at least you were in your element 🕺 and you kept Meena and Carly entertained Ali: the hostess not being overly concerned herself, like Tommy: this family's hostess with the mostest has & always will be me, honey Tommy: what else do they teach me at this school, like? Ali: I had no idea you were at finishing school, my apologies Ali: how's things with keeping a man then, Holly Housewife? Tommy: Why stop at strutting with 📚 on our heads when we could do it in 🩰 perfectly en pointe, carrying a sulky ballerina all the while? Basically a Latin motto Tommy: & yet I still can't keep a man, cheers for the reminder Ali: Maybe now you're of age they introduce the final string to your bow Ali: quadruple threat = 🎤🕺🎭🍆 Tommy: 😂🤞🙏 Tommy: stole your girl regardless, tell her to call me when she's slept off the festivities Ali: No doubt she will when she's between the next couple of parties 😜 Ali: your girl is here actually, helping Ro 'organise' her presents Ali: dunno where she parked her 🎃 Tommy: I'll join Fraze in the red corner 😍💋💔🤬🎯👿🥤🤡🥵🛑💘 Tommy: those dolls do go walk abouts if you don't keep a 👀 but obviously she was 🤞🙏 I was still there Ali: He might misconstrue that and come to fight for her honour Ali: 🤞🙏 she's in LDN too, naturally Ali: lots of them are haunted, but that last part of your sentence there is the MOST 😱 ever Ali: it's weird when you approach anything fuck boy like Tommy: miscommunication is his thing™ no hard feels or feelings full stop, 'course 💪🚫😭🚫😍 Tommy: what can I say? being back DOES things to me Tommy: it's all the positive masculine role models this family has Ali: Guess it beats a total lack of @Joseph Ali: though he sent her some book about musical theory so he still manages to be the favourite somehow 🤷 Ali: and hey, dad is the best Tommy: v catty & then cuddly of you, Kit Tommy: he doesn't respond to MY efforts at being a daddy's girl exactly the same way somehow 🤷 Ali: we're both living up to what's expected then 😼 Ali: could just be I'm better at it than you though Ali: if your ego will allow it Tommy: can't let our sister fly that flag alone, like Tommy: as for who's better at kissing the arse of authority figures, don't need to dignify that with an answer 'cause my school report will Tommy: you ain't never been a pleasure to have in class Ali: I might genuinely have to shoot myself if anyone ever said anything so asinine about me so you're right Ali: that would be such a waste of potential, not until I've lead a more scandal-filled existence Tommy: you could respect the hustle Tommy: it's getting me 🩰 perks Tommy: disciplined is the head that wears the 👑 hoe Ali: I know all about discipline, trust me Tommy: we've all read 50 shades, you can't take it as gospel Tommy: Ro could write a better bdsm bibe when she's done at church Tommy: bible* Ali: It's all fun and games 'til I walk in on her flagellating herself Ali: how are we explaining that to the shrinks Tommy: that she misunderstood a more sexy f word? Ali: we don't want to look like we're trying to lock her up for that Ali: way too retro, bro Tommy: She wants to be catholic Tommy: I didn't make the rules Ali: No, then da really would hate you Ali: she's got worse Tommy: Yeah Tommy: I know, no amount of drama from the golden couple could detract Ali: not that I haven't heard enough about that though Ali: guess there's too much to put in a passive-aggressive note Tommy: 🙄🥱😴 Tommy: She wasn't even THAT late & tbh I wouldn't have blamed her for doing a Joe no show Ali: I would've understood if she was upset when she wasn't coming Ali: I am when Joe doesn't, whatever Ali: but I think she was actually MORE upset that she did come in the end, and not just because she was messy, but because Ro thought she wouldn't Ali: I don't get it, they're complicated, always have been but ??? Tommy: she can't hold being a good sister over her, like you can't me being the most fabulous brother in existence 🏆 Tommy: the fuck ups are more fun to bring to a 🥊 Ali: I guess that's more likely than them being all 💕💞 Ali: but fucking hell, does it hurt to hope Tommy: it's hurting you 😿 Tommy: she'll be too hangry to hope Ali: I have no hope or agenda for your 🏆 or 👑 dear brother Ali: but seriously Ali: what does she want Tommy: like you said ???? Tommy: there's every chance I'm bringing too much McKenna magic to the motives & she don't wanna bear a grudge til the end of her days Ali: because it doesn't sound like her at all Ali: if you can't be honest in the DMs where can you, eh, to quote that romcom Ali: fucked if I know what to do about it right now though Ali: maybe I need to sleep off the festivities, or get something to eat Tommy: long as you're not so hysterical you run into the path of an oncoming car, to recall another faithful role of hers Ali: have you adapted that for the stage? Ali: get 5 of you to be the 🚗 Tommy: dibs 'cause I can't do the accent Tommy: not that loads of 'em posh kids can either Ali: they'll have spent enough time gentrifying the east end to have it down, offensively so but all adds to the hysterics Tommy: I'll pitch it then 💡 Tommy: go down better than her 🎤🎵 Ali: better than her when she got hit by the car, like Ali: give me credit or I'll turn up and make a SCENE Tommy: like I wouldn't be LIVING for that Tommy: if we are being honest in the DMS Ali: I'll work on my RICKKAAAAAAAAAAAY Ali: maybe can convince Ro to be Sharon Tommy: hang around your ma in law & you'll ace it in no time Ali: Ha Ali: she'd accept Peggy, not Pat Tommy: fair, Laoise's ma's the one more likely to express herself with big earrings & animal prints Tommy: but I don't know if Sam Mitchell is a favourable role for Carls, what did she ever even do? Ali: Are you trying to tell me it's NOT a look? 🤔 Ali: or that you rate Laoise's mum? Ali: The character, nothing, the OG actress lost her nose so we're all agreed that's a no Tommy: I'd rate seeing her da on the doorstep in nothing but a bow tie for how mortified she'd be when I uploaded it Tommy: Grant's also no, he knocked Martine on her arse way before that car Tommy: but if she's Phil, you're Sharon so that's a yeah from me, like Ali: Don't, her dad always gave me those vibes Ali: and you ain't actually on the street still to have to witness that 🤮 Ali: I don't know how she'll feel about going bald, I'll float it gently before getting out the clippers Tommy: Do Rock's while you're there, he looks feral Tommy: even that nonce wouldn't have him Ali: You know his ears would get chapped Ali: hair is essential or he'll fly away on the breeze Ali: and we'd all be devastated, obvs Tommy: don't start me thinking about that scene in Dumbo, cheers very much Tommy: 😭😭😭😭😭😭 Ali: Such a depressing film Ali: disney gives me bad vibes Tommy: the park is creepy & you won't catch me there Tommy: whether or not Walt was a Nazi it's still a nah from me Ali: Wee bit concerning that emotional manipulation and forced fun trumps facism/literal Nazis for you but we'll 🤐 Ali: ma is in enough of a mood and she'll only direct it at me so nah Tommy: well his racism is disputed depending whether you're in camp 😇 saint him 🙏 or camp cast him into the hellfire 👿 Tommy: the forced fun & emotional manipulation is just facts Ali: 👿 advocate Tommy: I'm gonna go to hell 🤞 he's an ally Ali: 😬 Ali: it's a punishment, not a holiday Tommy: it'll be a grand hol for my pores Tommy: love a sauna sesh Ali: that London smog is not it Ali: how black is your snot? Tommy: as Ro's soul 💀 Ali: Thomas Tommy: Alison Ali: 🛑 it Tommy: she'd 🖤 to hear it but FINE Ali: you're an enabler, it is known Ali: not the kind of encouragement I'm after tah Tommy: enabling you & your lady love to have a good time, yeah 🕺💃 Tommy: & I fully expected her to turn up with a pet raven is all I'm saying Ali: the best was made of it by all, despite it all Ali: even her, in her way Tommy: despite Kayne appearing 🤵🥀 & all in her case Ali: yeah Ali: ugh Ali: he's harmless enough, bless him Tommy: she'd beg to differ right now Tommy: you're gonna wanna hide the 🍄🍄💀 til she calms down Ali: You don't need to tell me Ali: I think he's just really oblivious Ali: like all lads Ali: it wasn't you know...assaulty Tommy: It's not his fault she's team true love's kiss & he AIN'T it Tommy: who could EVER measure up to the 💭💞 Ali: standards, cool Ali: unrealistic expectations, less so Ali: but I can't really advocate for reality at this point in the game Tommy: You don't need to tell me, sis Ali: you're team turn-a-stage-kiss-real, yeah Ali: it's more realistic than fairytales, anyway, look at strictly Tommy: I'm team when's my life been a shitty made for netflix flick never mind a 🐸🤴📖 Tommy: crushing realism ftw Ali: 💔 Ali: If you didn't have a tragic love-life to complain about, you'd be too insufferable 🤴💩 Tommy: comforting Tommy: I'd HATE to morph into Fraze of a few years back Ali: I'll let you know if you start getting freckles Tommy: I'd know if I woke up with those brows Tommy: nowhere to hide, like Ali: 👺 Tommy: 😂 Ali: What are you getting ma for her bday/have you got already (suckup) Tommy: I left it there if you wanna find & shake the 🎁 Ali: Wow, you really didn't wanna pay postage that bad huh Ali: I'll see if I can 🔮 Tommy: with what? I'm skint after buying hers & Ro's Tommy: & it'll be 🎅🎄🎁 before too long Ali: that's what people really mean when they say dance don't pay Ali: gifting an interpretive dance is nothing but pretentious and unwelcome Ali: I can bodge together however many crafts I need and save my dolla Tommy: been there, tried that one Tommy: so much for your so called genius Tommy: ain't even thought of earning any by busting out the 🎅🎄🎵 classics for a busking sesh, works with 🩰 too I'll have you know Ali: 'til you knock over an old lady and have to leg it, like Ali: and if you hadn't noticed, I've been a little busy making a replica Ro, tah Ali: my creative juices are juiced right now Tommy: I'll make it look like part of the show & have the punters eating out of my palm when I catch & twirl any 👵 before they touch ground Tommy: yeah well you've got time from now, fair game on all things yule from Nov 1st Ali: 👌👌 clearly the LDN ones are more receptive because they're vicious 'round here with their 👜s and I'm only trying to give them the tea they ordered Ali: if ANYONE should advocate for Christmas not dragging, like Tommy: it's Irish dancing or fuck all back there, 365 🌧 or ⛅ Tommy: little girls scam every bit of that trade Ali: ironic when it's catch these hands in every other aspect Ali: so you'll fit right in, eh Ali: feel traumatised yet? Tommy: I'll do my best, as ever Ali: 🤴 Ali: meanwhile ma will have to make do with whatever IOU present I can knock up Ali: maybe I'll babysit, that's never not gonna work Tommy: she was on about going out 🍽 wasn't she? Tommy: Carls will never not be down either Ali: get him to make her a cake Ali: sorted Ali: providing he washes his hands...a full hose down may be necessary actually Tommy: she's survived the 🧁 he brings back from school & we've all seen the state of him at day's end Ali: yeah, cheers for the immunity boost little 🦠 Ali: fair, I'm pretty sure we put some weird and wonderful things into our bakes at his age and no one died Ali: Laoise nearly but you know Tommy: close but no 🚬 Tommy: typical of that bitch Ali: sure a 🙏 was said to finish the job at mass Tommy: if you see her ma mascara running in an lbd, I demand to be the first to know Ali: I'll pap her in her time of distress, it's fine Ali: I can hide up trees for HOURS if needs must Tommy: I'm not above piggybacking on the 'tragedy' to get better grades or a hol Tommy: do your part, like Ali: she won't fall for 🍄 again Ali: her brother might if Ro puts 'em in her gob Tommy: 💞 Ali: more of a mood than without Ali: add a little danger Tommy: she'd appreciate the drama more than anything he could ever do Ali: 💔 Tommy: nah, we're not shipping that Tommy: not today Ali: You gotta make some bad decisions before you make the right ones Tommy: a bad decision was the colour of her 👗 Tommy: the last thing that girl needs is a boy right now Ali: Okay you can't come for anyone vis a vis colour, boy Ali: even if I still see it when I close my eyes after however many weeks sewing Ali: but you may have a point re. a boy Ali: just, some socialisation wouldn't hurt Ali: and as far as they go, he's harmless Tommy: 'Course I do, she can barely exist in front of us Tommy: if they went on a date, what's she gonna do, order a glass of water? Ali: like you haven't seen her fake eat a plate of food Ali: it's only noticeable to all us that she's not actually putting any in her mouth Tommy: 🔮✨ Tommy: if he's TRULY harmless he don't deserve to be harmed by her attitude Tommy: which anyone else not bound by family love & loyalty would call something loads harsher Ali: Don't Ali: I feel bad enough for Meena sometimes Tommy: @ Carly too & we all know it Ali: Yeah, Carly can handle it though, she's mostly unphased even if it is a total thing 🙄 Tommy: She's a 👸😇 I doubt Kayne is that pure of ❤️ or intentions tbh Tommy: & Meena can handle anything so Ali: he's deffo a virgin though Ali: which yes, makes for more desperation, but he can't be that forceful if he dunno what he wants, you know Ali: yeah but God knows why she wants to come 'round here and get more of it at times Tommy: No shit, Kit but everyone's seen a porno, it's not the 70s Tommy: dress for it all you like Tommy: maybe she wants to get out of her own 🏡 Ali: everyone also knows it's bullshit Ali: whatever else she's got that much about her Tommy: does he though? Tommy: all I'm saying Ali: either way, it isn't like she's going to have a miraculous change of heart Ali: we all saw how well it went Tommy: Yeah but what if it makes her heart set on finding someone else to play 🤴 Tommy: you'd know better than me what goes on in her head Ali: She's 15, I don't see how any of us can say or do anything to stop her if that's what she does want Tommy: 15 technically Tommy: 🤷 Ali: If we can't make her eat, you know Ali: what hope do we have for anything beyond that Tommy: 0 Tommy: & it's fucked Ali: Yep Ali: but it's not as if that bombshell has only just been dropped, I guess Ali: we'll carry on doing what we can Tommy: 🔮✨ Ali: ✌💚

[lizzzybooo]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it

Summary: He feels it when Dan’s thumb is wiggling out of his grasp, rubbing the pink skin under his eye relentlessly, making Phil squint.

“Stop that,” Dan says. His voice is commanding but also soft and it only makes Phil cry harder.

______________________

or: the aftermath of a fight

Words:1754

read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18709297

thank you to anon who requested this and to @transdimensional-void for being a lovely beta :) 

The silence in the apartment rings loudly in Phil’s ears, making him too aware of the faint noises coming in from outside the window, filling the room with strange, impersonal sounds that only make the empty space next to him all the more noticeable.

Loud drunk laughter. Dog barks. Something that is very likely his neighbor moaning in pleasure, followed by a loud banging noise that makes Phil cover his ears with his pillow, groaning in frustration.

At this time, usually, Phil’s ears are filled with different sounds. Nice sounds. Sometimes murmured in the dark before a good night kiss, covering him like a thick warm blanket. Sometimes loud and full of life and teasing and banter on nights when energy runs high and responsibilities run low and he momentarily allows himself to forget his promise of being a proper adult who goes to sleep at a proper time.

Either way, these sounds are always comforting, familiar- and very painfully absent at the moment.

The apartment wasn’t this quiet before, he reminds himself, grimacing into his pillow. Only a few hours ago it was filled with loud, angry words Phil usually knows how to hold back, directed like poisoned arrows towards the person Phil never wants to actually hurt.

They both said some things, he and Dan. Tension had run high for a couple of weeks now, and Phil knows that his tendency to keep to himself and hold back his hurt, quietly trying to work through things until he can’t possibly keep quiet anymore, is pretty high on the list of reasons why tonight has played out the way it did.

He isn’t blind to Dan’s struggles. Isn’t blind to the way Dan is working his hardest to overcome things Phil can probably never really understand to their core, trying to make up the missing puzzle pieces with long hours spent on mental health blogs and calls to his mum, who somehow always understands a little better than him.

And it hurts, sometimes, when it feels like maybe Dan is blind to the way Phil struggles as well, right next to him.

And maybe he’s been spoiled by Dan. Been spoiled by the way Dan can usually pick up on every little facial expression, every little eyebrow crease, every little sign Phil is trying to hide to avoid adding unnecessary stress, to avoid opening up topics he is sure he can avoid by shoving them deep in a drawer in the back of his mind, locking it until they collect dust and lose their importance. Maybe that’s what makes it hurt so much more, when Dan just lets it happen.

Maybe, sometimes, he wants Dan to notice everything Phil is trying to hide. Maybe he wants Dan to confront him before it all piles up inside his head and spills out of his eyes and ears and mouth, lips forming angry words he never wants to say, eyes leaking angry tears he never intends to cry.

He knows that mostly, usually, they are good at stopping before they go too far. Good at taking a time out when things get too heated, too close to spiteful. Phil is good at catching himself, good at remembering that he’s mad now but he’ll regret saying what he feels like spitting out later. He’s good at not crossing the line, mostly, usually. Which makes it that much worse when sometimes, he’s not.

The image of the hurt in Dan’s eyes is still very much burnt into his eyelids, not letting him close his eyes and attempt sleep. Phil’s weak “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” said while watching Dan put on his shoes and coat by the front door, not lifting his eyes to meet Phil’s desperate ones. His retort of “yes, Phil, you did,” before walking out the door, closing it behind him in an alarmingly quiet way, has been playing on repeat in Phil’s mind for the last few hours, making him curl smaller under the covers, shoving his head deeper under his pillow.

He’s not really worried about where Dan is. Dan answered his anxious text of “Where are you? Please come home,” about an hour ago, telling Phil he’s just walking around not far from their building. Telling him he just needs to clear his head. Telling him to go to sleep. Dan learned, long ago, to not leave Phil hanging with things like that. So Phil is not really worried, not about that at least. He knows, that right now, all he can do is wait.

***************

It’s not before 3 AM that Phil finally hears the front door opening and closing quietly, footsteps going to the kitchen, and then the bathroom. Phil doesn’t know if Dan will come sleep next to him. Doesn’t know if Dan’s expression still shows the hurt it showed before, doesn’t know if he’s covering it with a mask of indifference.

A part of him wants to get out of bed to check. To confront. To say that he’s sorry again (but also, he thinks bitterly, to remind Dan that they’re both guilty of stepping out of line. That he’s not the only one who said things that shouldn’t be said. That he is not the only one to blame).

But another part, small but paralyzing, is telling him to stay put. This part is making his legs shake and his breath hitch and his anxiety crawl under his skin because he doesn’t know, and right now he’s afraid to find out.

His heart is beating loudly in his chest until he finally hears the door to the bedroom creak open, feels a big, warm body settle next to him, his back turned to his.

He’s a little afraid to breathe, afraid to move or turn around because he knows Dan knows he’s awake, but he’s still keeping quiet.

It takes him a minute to compose himself enough to squeak out a small unsure “Dan?” and it takes another 20 seconds for Dan to sigh out a quiet “yeah.”

They both turn around then, Phil facing Dan and Dan facing the ceiling, not quite engaging in Phil’s attempt at eye contact, but definitely showing willingness to talk.

Phil doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know how to convey his relief and guilt and hurt in words, doesn’t know if he should. He lets his hand wander, instead, hesitantly, testing the water, reaching it towards Dan’s and wrapping his big long fingers in his own, squeezing.

“Your hand is cold,” Phil says, and when Dan hums in response he’s pulling it toward his face, pressing his hand to his warm lips and cheek.

Dan’s gaze turns to him then, just in time to see his eyes overflow with emotion, spilling new hot tears without his consent, making his cheeks and nose and Dan’s hand wet with them. Dan looks at him for a moment, and Phil is having trouble reading his face without his glasses and with wetness clouding his eyes, but he feels it when Dan’s thumb is wiggling out of his grasp, rubbing the pink skin under his eye relentlessly, making Phil squint.

“Stop that,” Dan says. His voice is commanding but also soft and it only makes Phil cry harder.

“I can’t help it,” he says. It’s true, he can’t. He isn’t lying when he says he is starting to cry more frequently with age, starting to get more emotionally affected by things. (“It’s probably all the hormonal changes,” Dan always says with a smirk, “if you don’t hurry, all your mpreg fantasies will be dead.” It always earns him a pillow to the face and a pouty boyfriend, but it’s nothing a kiss on the forehead and a squeeze around the shoulders can’t usually fix.)

Dan doesn’t say anything more, but he’s turning his entire body towards Phil now, gripping his face more firmly under Phil’s warm hand.

“I didn’t mean it,” Phil says, echoing his words from hours ago. “I was mad, but I didn’t, not really.”

“Phil-” Dan starts, but Phil stops him by shaking his head against his hold, almost violently.

“I didn’t, I didn’t,” he repeats, pulling Dan’s hand from his cheek and pressing it to his lips, voice choked against Dan’s fingers.

“Okay,” Dan says, and Phil knows he isn’t convinced, but it’s okay, it’s better. it’s good enough for now.

“Did you?” he asks, because suddenly it all aches and burns and he’s not the only one who said things, not the only one who needs to apologize and reassure-

“Maybe I did. A little,” Dan says, and it makes Phil’s hold on Dan’s hand loosen right away, makes him let out a shuddered breath, makes him close his eyes so he doesn’t have to try and see the expression on Dan’s face.

There’s two hands on his cheeks, almost immediately, holding tight and pulling him closer until their foreheads touch and Dan’s breath is against Phil’s nose. “Phil,” he says, and he can almost feel the word forming against his skin. “Phil,” he says again, waiting for him to open his eyes.

Phil does, because even though his stomach hurts and his chest is tight he doesn’t want to keep Dan waiting. Not for too long, not at all.

“It’s okay,” Dan says, and this time his lips do touch the skin on the side of Phil’s nose, making his eyes feel heavy again with the weight of salty water threatening to overflow.

“Is it?” Phil asks, and he brings his hands up too, to cover Dan’s, to keep them in place.

Dan kisses him again then, this time on the lips. It’s short and salty and dry but Phil understands.

Dan doesn’t answer him, even if the answer is already there, lingering between them. “I love you,” Dan says instead, when he pulls away. “I love you I love you,” he says again and again, until Phil lets go of his hands, until Phil is pushing himself closer, closer, impossibly close, and wraps his arms around Dan’s body, chest and legs and cheeks pressing together.

“I love you,” Phil says. “So much,” he adds, because it’s true and it makes his heart ache a little less when he lets it out.

Phil understands, he knows, without a doubt. There’s still much to talk about tomorrow, probably more feelings to be hurt and more wounds to bandage. Phil understands, he knows, it might not be entirely okay right now, but it will be. They’ll make sure of it.

[phipiohsum475]

COVID 19 - 23 MAR 2020

US Statistics (https://coronavirus.jhu.edu/map.html):

35, 225 Diagnoses

458 Deaths

Note on the US Statistics: I forgot which website I had used for the last entries numbers, so I've decided to use Johns Hopkins' numbers. Therefore, they made not be comparable to the last entry (though they are close), but I will stay consistent from here on out. 

First, a mea culpa - I misread the graph I was using to determine how long the US had had a diagnosed covid-19 case (shame on me; I should know better!).  It's been 19 days since the first 100 confirmed cases, not the very first. I was going to post an update of the graph I was using, but I could only find yesterdays (which properly shows 18 days since the first 100 cases). This graph comes from ft.com, though their website is having issues and so I pulled it from Google images. It also provides proper citations in text under the graph itself, which is also based on the Johns Hopkins numbers (hence my decision to use them).

Phil worked another full shift yesterday. His pharmacy is apparently smothering the workplace in disinfectant (thank goodness) and Phil says he feels like he's in haled enough Lysol to live forever. He won't work again until next weekend; the kids are now officially on their planned intercession, so he's not scheduled during the week. Although last week, he did go in once at night after I got home to help out - we'll see if that becomes a thing, especially if someone gets sick or calls out.  

I am annoyed that I am still required to work on-site. I understand why a hospital would not want to downgrade to "mission essential" personnel right away, but I am current capable and ready to telework. Surely, there must be a way to distinguish "Non-mission essential, but essential enough that we don't want give them up yet" and "Can work 100% from home without disrupting any flow of operations." At least I'm not in a highly exposed area, and it is very easy to stay the requisite 6 feet from everyone. 

Our city has a Facebook page dedicated to highlighting which local restaurants are doing curbside/takeout/delivery. So last night, we ordered the "Family Fajitas," which was $25 dollars for enough fajita fixings for two full dinners. I tipped like 50% - I'm in a position in life right now where A) when the time comes, I can work from home and not lose income and B) I have some expendable income - so it only felt appropriate to support a local restaurant and their staff. This wasn't always the case - I've lived in a tent on a campground before - and so I try be cognizant of the privilege I now have. Additionally, there may come a time when the restaurants are closed completely, and I want to be able to save the food I already have for those days (we weren't part of the hoarders, so I don't have massive amounts of anything set aside). All in all, just all very good reasons to order out while we still can.

I've seen that post going around (I tried to find it, but spent far too long looking) about how this pandemic is a bizarre mixture or complete normalcy and utter surrealism. I'm a bit of a homebody, as is my family, so staying in on the weekends wasn't out of normal. My kids aren't supposed to be in school right now, so that's normal. But picking up food drove home a bit of that surrealism. There was a line outside the restaurant when I arrived. All the patrons stood at least six feet apart. When I was able to enter, the dining room was empty and mostly dark. There were two people; one looking through the orders & bringing them to the register and another checking people out. They both wore gloves and there was a giant bottle of hand sanitizer on the counter. And we all gave each other a wide berth.

For me, it was the obvious shared knowledge of us all that seemed so surreal. We were wary and cautious of each other because we all knew the same thing: any one of us could be dangerous. Any one of us could be an asymptomatic carrier. And also, I think that we knew that if we didn't take this seriously, the faster restaurants and the like would shut down. We saw it happen to our beaches. Photos circulated of beach parties and people congregating far too closely, and the beaches were closed almost immediately. We all knew it. I'm not sure why this shared knowledge was so striking to me, but that was the moment it really felt surreal. The kids have been out of school before. Two years ago, we lost several weeks to hurricanes; just this fall we lost more hurricane time. Hell, we lose school days at the very threat of snow. But the restaurant thing... that - that was new.  

I had the kids keep up with language practice. And, for fun, I decided to teach them how to make beer bread. It was fun and it had been years since I'd done something so domestic. My life completely fell apart in 2016 - and only lately have I been starting to get of semblance of my old interests and abilities back. Making beer bread was a part of that and it helped add a sense of accomplishment in an otherwise trying time. 

We'll see how the rest of the week goes. 

[whybaddecisions]

To the one that got away:

It was winter when she first came to picture, I was just an ordinary guy that worked abroad didn't know what to do no goal, ambition, or even dreams if I can consider it, Was making money but I can't feel satisfaction while doing it soulless and partially lifeless in the process, before I came home I was in a long distance relationship with someone from France and everything worked out just fine but eventually we lacked personal intimacy, to the point that were not even trying to communicate with each other just went with our days without even saying "Hi" or "Good morning" to be honest I thought that she would be the one for me and I'll be the one for her, I was greatly mistaken to have thought that, because if u truly wish someone to be with you till your last breath it must have the right amount of perseverance, the strive to push forward and not to quit and fight! One day we came to an agreement that the thing we have isn't working out anymore, so we broke up decided to be friends, just like that in a snap of a finger she was gone and so am I.

I know that it's rough on both of us but on the other hand it felt that the chemistry wasn't there anymore so it's better to leave that be.

After a month I decided to focus more on my career first since I'm waiting for my agency to call and kick me out of the country again but with a new job on a cruise ship around Us and Europe, while waiting i knew that my brother knows a lot of people here in the Philippines that has a company related to my forte so I asked him

"Man do you know anyone in the industry looking for a waiter?"

He told me that there was one here in Batangas and she was a good friend of his.

"yeah I know a place just a 5 min drive from here"

So I was excited cuz I'm going to work my ass off and forget what has happened.

So there it was "TRICIA'S" name of the workplace my brother told me about, and on December 17, 2019 I started there as a waiter, it was an open house bar kinda rowdy but in a good way but damn do these kids party hard! My shift was from 4pm to 4am and it was messy as hell always but I had fun in the process.

Then that faithful day came to place, all the stars were aligned and the soothing falling of leaves was upon me, I didn't expect any less from that day than any day cause for me it was just goin to turn out as an ordinary day, but then u came and I saw you with my best friend. 🙏 well I couldn't care less at first if u talk to me or not, but the first time you shut me down is when you were passing by my side I thought that u are going to get a menu off the bar, and I was psyched and told myself "now's my chance to like give her the menu and make small talk" Then u said "No" off the bat cuz u were just going to grab that box of tissue, boo me assumer! Then I remembered u were with my best friend so time to show off I think? Like provide them with the best service possible, bring the drinks on time, food must be hot, bucket of ice must be full all the time, no delay in anything like to the fullest service a server can give them, after all was served I was shocked that u said Hi and Hi again and again complimented my cologne called me by my nickname which wasn't really needed, I was shy just making a grin of my mouth just to show her I'm not bothered, but I'm to the fullest extent cause I already asked for ur name, checked u out on Facebook through my best friend that's why I was shy.

The u guys left. And I asked my bff

"should I add her on FB? What ya think?"

She replied with so much enthusiasm

"Gooooo! Add her, she wants to be friends with you also"

And boom it hit me like the biggest meteorite just punched through earth, I was so overwhelmed and cannot wipe the smile of my face that morning.

I'm not normal I can say that proudly in a good way of course, but if someone overwhelmed already with the thought of his/her crush wanting for them to be friends and then out of nothing she says that do you want me to bring you coffee, that would be the most awesome thing that would happen to you, you'd probably be smiling for the whole day like legitimately smiling at everyone with the upmost feeling. For me coffee is sometimes is more important than people but for what she did LFU!!! And she brought me my coffee that morning and she insisted on bringing it , on that day she already got me.

Time passed and things were going accordingly, perfectly some bumps along the way, but we were happy and contended to what we had and a few dates, I remember on the night before Christmas I was supposed to give u your present and you stood me up because of a party your family held and I understood that situation of yours, kinda sulk tho that we didn't get to meet but one of my favorite memory is when you asked me out on a date and it was Christmas, you got to meet my parents also sorry if your hills was soaked in water cuz it was pouring heavily that day. We ate at "Romantic Baboy" a Korean restaurant with unlimited pork skin, chicken strips and cheese on the sides, and you know what's my favorite part of that particular day? Is when I took a picture of you smelling a rose and thought to myself that I don't want this to end may the universe hinder us from us but I'll fight with my last breath to preserve what we have and what else will happen. Then I fucked up.

Scribbled words, nauseated, anxious, crippled, out of way, bothered, stressed,fretful,fretting, disturbed, agitated, irritated, apprehensive, to the point that I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror so disgusted to what I did, execute me if the universe wants to, the feeling of overly doubting my self worth was inevitable, brought to me by my own decisions that messed me up entirely.

Wondering what happened haunts me in the most gruesome way possible. So here it goes, I lied to her big-time which I didn't know that it was possible since I did it already not multiple times but only ONE THAT GOT ME REAL FUCKED! Is when I received a message from my longtime best friend from way back as kids, 20 years to be exact . On the message she told me

"when are you going to show urself I haven't seen u in forever"

Then I was shocked cause normally she wouldn't Pm (Private Message) like that in the past, then I told her.

"one of these days when I'm not busy cause of work"

Then she asked about my love life and u were the first in my mind so I told her about you.

"there's this girl that I'm seeing, my other best friend introduced me to her and she already met my parents last Christmas then we ate outside and we had a great time"

That's what I said then I also told her to help me find a perfect present for you.

Then on December 27, 2019 I told you that I'll be visiting a long time friend with a kid and I didn't tell you if it was a girl or a boy cause I don't want you to get angry at me but then again I should've told you that in the first place. When I was there at her house since we were long time friends we had a great time also with the kid in the picture, happy and overwhelmed at the same time, then her mother came down gave me a hug and greeted me welcome home or back to the phil, cause she hasn't seen me for over 4 years I think. After the the greetings my best friend told her mom that I'm seeing someone which is you. Well I didn't expect that she would be sly about it and drop your name so casually, so I just came right through it and said yes I'm dating this girl and she's wonderful, but her mom told me that r u taking things way to fastly you just got out of a relationship, I told them that also I was off with someone before I met you. So after they told me not to deepen anything with anyone yet, assuring that I would not get hurt cause for them I'm family also, cause her dad was the godfather of my brother that's why our families was close still to this point they are.

Then the next day came I went again to her house because I was having fun playing with her son and missed talking to her a lot, because in the longest time I had a crush on her and knowing me I couldn't seal the deal from before, but this time I thought to myself maybe this is it when she'll notice the man i have become, and you passed my memory, in me saying that I'm dating this girl and why should I break her heart? Did u deserve to be treated that way Nooooo! In fuckin million years no! But I did anyways. Without even consenting my best friend, myself and most importantly God. I messed up 😭

So then it happened the happiest'sh and the worst'sh decision in my existence trampling over someone that didn't deserve any hardships cause you were the most beautiful soul ever seen. Yeah I misunderstood the fact that she'll replace you over and over again because of the thing we had in the past like 20 years of friendship over something that just happened recently was a very wrong thought to even deliver in a person's mouth crippling fear came over me I didn't know what to do my life was in chaos lost in the path, I part take wishing it all away silently murmuring to myself that if had the power to change it all I would, I was blinded really blinded by that stumbling and staggering in every situation possible, even with work I wasn't happy anymore so I left, it's not like me to leave unprofessionally but I did cause it broke me down to my core knowing that I did something to hurt the most, I don't know if it's faith that we met or just me knocking on the door of heaven praying and longing for someone to bump in my life and there you was. But I was too blinded by the fact that I thought that she'll be the one to save me but you were there standing without flinching and with the unyielding love that a human person can give to another and I wasted it all away. Knowing that we were supposed to go to an amusement park, and guess what? That Jan 3 was the day destiny punched me in the face for me to tell you what I got in stored deep inside the dark and deep corners of my heart which was hard to let it out, but I was willing to get out of my comfort zone, break boundaries and say what I really mean.

But then again it didn't happen because of me. But why is that I don't have a perfect checklist of good things in life and almost all of it is on the bad side, really looking inside I didn't have any intention of hurting you, but when I came to see you coming from manila was one of the blurriest decision I've made cause I was going to fix everything but was still blinded, so I did see you but what I said that day when we were inside the car was all true, you mean the world to me but how dumb can a human be maybe I'm the epitome of that, knowing her and thinking she was the one was greatly poor on my side, some people are worth suffering for and I'll suffer for you anytime of the day, week, year or anywhere.

Saying this honestly you are the one with a pure heart on the other hand she also has but like only in a normal state and I thought she was a diamond but day by day she turns to coal slowly breaking and burning me in the process I don't blame her for that but knowing her I didn't expect that a shallow river is bound to drop over me and drown me, because in your eyes I saw a girl swimming in a vast ocean with many things to look after but was calm about it, and composed in a way that anything can turn out good and without harms way. Simply saying that u r different really different in a good way of course.

The self realization made it clearer than the brightest day, clarity filled up inside,b the blindness was cured and I can see far from what I saw before straightforward only walking in one path never turning right or left staying on a pace that'll last, growing abundantly in each other's presence. point here is i really know that u are the perfect illustration a right decision

I hope and pray eventually time will get us to see and feel that something happens for a reason, it's not just the way it was given but on the way it ends and begins again, hoping,praying, begging, pleading, that when that time comes even if it's on a reciprocal I will greatly cherish it and give it as grace without asking for anything in return like a river splashing water on the ground with the little weed sprouting through time, it doesn't have to be the entire ground but the important parts only, perfect timing, right alignment of stars and even if the wind blows strongly or a single rain drop I'll always bring you close by my side and wanting you to stay beside me. I just wish in time we would see each other in our arms again.

And to the one that got away.

Looking back to those days we were so happy I really wanted to tell you how much you mean to me, and the simple things u did, like looking at me with those mesmerizing eyes and the captivating depth and clarity it shown, the way you cling was warmth beyond any parka or furred jacket I've worn before saying slowly while you hug me that you'll never let go. And the way you pull your hair back showing roaring waves but calms me up to the core while the strands of your hair graze my face tingles my curiosity to kiss you in the forehead. And I never felt an urge every time you kissed me on the cheek and while you ask me to kiss you back was the sweetest tune my ears can imagine like angelic figures playing the harp or something like that. And the way we used to drive with ur friends feels like ecstasy having fun and in a euphoric way, I like seeing you laugh a lot, curse a lot at people, things or anything cause im not finding any wrong in that, because that's who you are and what you represent. Also the times we had so much fun singing those songs you recommended me. And to this particular song which made me see you in whole different level, cause you were the first one who dedicated something for me, those giggles that both of us shared is more important the . The unparralled and unrequited feeling that those gestures are simply producing, but what I say is the manifestation of genuine love is you.

[musicatheart12]

A Chat with a Bassist: Natalie Kim from Old Joy

Old Joy is an indie/alternative rock band that released their debut album on September 7th, 2018. They come from the underground New Brunswick scene and have played many basement shows around the area, with their most recent performance being for a student-run charity club at Rutgers University. This week, I got the chance to interview Old Joy's bassist, Natalie Kim, also a student at Rutgers University.

The interview:

What kind of music do you guys play?  How do you, as a band, characterize it?

It's kind of under the umbrella of Alt Rock and Indie just because we're in the local New Brunswick scene. So it's kind of like Indie, DIY kind of music.

How did the band get together?

So my two bandmates who started the band started it before I got to Rutgers. When I came here as a freshman, I met one of them, Phil, and he told me they were looking for a bassist so they kind of adopted me. And then we had no drummer, so we had to go out looking for a drummer. So yeah it started with those two people. The other two of us kind of made our way in.

How long has the band been together?

I joined at the very end of summer before freshman year, and back then we had a like a different drummer like every month.

That's interesting.

Yeah, it was kind of weird since I play bass. Bass and drum really have to work with each other so I would change what I played for like every person. It was kind of rocky to start with, but we found someone about 3 months in, who ended up staying for the rest of the next summer. So when we all decided we were in it for the long run, that's when we recorded our first album.

Wow, that's very cool. Yeah, but he decided to go back to school, so literally the day of our release party, we got a new drummer.

Oh wow! Fun fact, drummers are like the hardest people to find because if you're going to be a drummer, you have to be good because everyone can hear you. There was a really big shortage of drummers, and this is a problem that every band has.

I didn't know that.

So in this current state, we've been together about 2 months.

So even though the current band is fairly new, are you guys still playing songs from the first album?

Our new drummer, he didn't make his parts, he had to learn it. But obviously, from now on, it's going to be him.

Are you guys going to make any new music?

We've started making some new stuff, but we're probably going to record, I don't know, not for a while.

That makes sense.

Maybe sometime next year. But it's also a lot different, because the two members that started the band found me after everything was already written so like, in this case, it's everyone. It's more democratic in the way we're making music. It's like everyone is developing it together, rather than it being the work of two people.

So, I know you're a full-time student. It must be difficult to find time to practice.

It's f***ing hard. The good thing with my band is, they're really good at planning ahead. We'll set up a date for a rehearsal a week or two weeks in advance, I'm so grateful. The worst is definitely when we're recording an album. It was so hard last winter. I'd have to go down to the recording studio like twice a week, and it's like an hour away, so like what I ended up doing is bringing my homework and doing it in a dark lit basement. It was hard work, but it definitely paid off because now it's just basement shows and events, which are just a weekend sort of thing. Sticking it through recording was definitely a good idea.

Were you taught music/playing or writing? Are you self-taught?

Kind of, so like, I think I developed an ear for music growing up from piano lessons as a kid. Even though that only went up until like fifth grade, that's what taught me how to read music. And then through middle school, I played French horn, I played flute.  And when I got into high school, that’s when I picked up bass and I really should've taken lessons then. I regret not taking lessons when I had the time to when I was like 14. I kind of just learned bass by ear. And the internet's fantastic.

I have other questions, but I'm trying to think of a question based on what you just said.

I mean I can keep talking if you want.

Yeah, go for it if you want!

I mean, here's the thing about bass, so like I've had my friends ask me to teach them before. A lot of people have this conception that "oh I have to start the same way I learned piano" with all the scales and fundamentals, but I think for bass it's heavy on intuition. Of course, you'll be a better musician if you know all the techniques and fundamentals but like you cannot be a bassist if you do not have some kind of musical intuition. Like over the first year I picked it up, by the end of the year, I listened to music differently. I never noticed bass parts before I started playing. And then once it like really clicks you start to listen for it, and that eventually grows into the intuition. Especially playing in a band versus an orchestra. I play in an orchestra every year, and it's much more technical. Playing in the underground music scene, its more about what sounds good, what works versus what doesn’t work.

So it's more about understanding the vibe?

Yeah, kind of. It's like what people say about writing, how you can't be a good writer unless you read a lot, it's the same way. You have to listen to a lot of music to be able to play well.

Do you guys ever spend time experimenting with different kinds of music, or do you stick to the same kind of genre?

Right now, most of our rehearsals are geared toward preparing for shows. But in terms of being experimental, I'd say there are 2 parts to that. Number one, there's a lot of cover songs. We'll just like jam sometimes and go off of each other and play whatever. But also we're like trying to be different for our second album… now that we're trying to follow up to our first album, we're trying to be more advanced in terms of adding more atmospheric sounds and big picture stuff. We're going to add some synth, maybe some more keyboard stuff. I think like in terms of experimenting, I'd like to do it more, but we're not going in the wrong direction.

I know Old Joy plays a lot of basement shows. What other kinds of gigs do you guys play?

Just last Friday we performed at the student center for the Seeing Eye club, I forget exactly what the event was called. Yeah so we did that, it was a fundraiser. And in a month we're going to be doing Overnight Sensations which is like a program run by WRSU, which is a Rutgers radio station. So every week they have bands come late at night. We've also done a lot of other charity shows.

And as far as setlist goes, do you have a specific order you play in?

Our album is 7, 8 songs. There are some songs that we all love, and some that we all don't want to play. So we'll play 4 to 5 songs and we'll do like one cover.

So it's short.

Yeah, it's usually like a half hour set. Also a lot of these songs, we recorded them in the winter so almost a year ago. Now that we're more mature musicians it's kind of like, I wish we recorded this differently or played this differently.

Do you guys tease new music in your shows?

Yeah we played a new song at our last show, which was last Friday… but yeah definitely.

Do you need to think about the audience, or do you just do you (as a band)?

It depends. We don't have very many songs yet, so there's a skeleton that we have to follow. It's usually the cover that we'll very. And then the other thing we'll mix up is the order. Sometimes it’s the energetic songs first if everyone seems dead. The hardest part is definitely when everyone's like "one more song!" and we don't have any more song.

What's your response to that? Do you guys play a song from the album that you wouldn't normally play?

We'll play another cover song, we have stuff that we kind of keep in the back in case we need it. But I wish we had more stuff.

How does recording working?

So basically what happens is, first everyone plays, to get a scratch track for timing purposes. Then everyone will go in on their own and we'll put it into the computer and do it as many times as it takes to get it right. It can take forever sometimes. And so the way we did this album was each time we went down there, we'd record one song. It took a while, but it turned out ok. The recording was less than half. The rest of the time was just mixing and then sending it out to get it mastered. Honestly, I'm not a fan of recording because sometimes I can get really perfectionistic. That’s why I really like playing basement shows. I don’t think I've ever played the same song the same way twice. Like this kind of goes back to the experimental thing. Thank god we play live shows because that's where you get to be creative as a musician.

How did you guys come up with the order of the album?

It's weird, I don’t think we discussed the whys of it. We all kind of came to a consensus. It might be a little bit subconscious, and it kind of goes back to the intuition of it. There might be some legitimate reason to it, like songs being in the same key. From what I can observe, I think the biggest things are tempo and mood. As an Alt rock, indie almost emo band, there are energetic happy songs like typical Alt Rock songs, but there are also songs that are really emotional. Like we have this one song "Rover Shore". Watching Phil do the vocals for that was literally spiritual. Like I've never seen anyone put so much emotion into one song. So obviously you wouldn't put that first. We put that sort of in the middle near the end. We never discussed the explicit details, it just flows somehow.

Yeah, it just feels right.

Do you guys plan on making music videos?

We filmed a music video last year, but because we switched drummers, we had to scratch all of that. I really wanted to because one of the girls in the band is a film major. It's definitely possible, the only issue is we all have no time. 3 of us are students, and one graduated but he has a full-time job. Yeah, the biggest issue is definitely time. I understand why some bands buy a house and live together like it definitely makes sense.

Do you have any other interesting stories? Anything cool!

The most exciting moment of being in this band was this Friday. We were at a house for a show and me and my bandmate we were just walking from one side of the room to the other, and we heard a group of people talking and they said Old Joy. It was the coolest thing 'cause it was like people actually know us. That was so exciting even though it was such a small thing because people actually recognize us. Like last week someone was at work and they said some of our music was on the radio. It was really cool!

What's weird is that the style of music that we play is not my style.

So what is your style?

I've never really gotten into indie music, but I figured I'd try it out. When I play on my own, I play a lot of Jazz and Funk. So this is very very very different. And this type of music isn't what I listen to but it's so interesting because the number of things you can do on bass is infinite. I do appreciate it, it's definitely grown on me. Before, all indie music sounded the same. Like to the average person, all classical music sounded the same. It's cool that I've learned so much through this.

Does it make it hard, not having listened to indie music beforehand?

When I first started, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was sticking to the root notes, keeping time. Super simple. By the time recording rolled around, I got the hang of it enough to create my own tracks, but looking back on it now, I would do things 100% differently.  

Natalie Kim is a talented young artist making her way through with her bandmates. With the first album already out, and another in the works, Old Joy is already paving their path into music. It's cool to see the beginning of a band that is transforming into something bigger, especially coming out of a local music scene.

Check out some of their songs: