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its-a-hil · 2 years

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i said id answer the ask game in full so here we go in all my oversharing glory:

1 - who is/are your comfort character(s)? oh there are a few lmao - rinwell (tales of arise), eleanor hume (tales of berseria), velvet crowe (also tales of berseria), oginome ringo (penguindrum), kagemori michiru (bna) yes i am a fucking weeb how have you not figured that out yet

2 - lighter or matches? im bad with matches but they feel so much more real so them

3 - do you leave the window open at night? i only did that for about a month ever in my life since my freshman year dorm didnt have a/c, besides that no i love feeling warm and stuffy

4 - which cryptyd being do you believe in? i mean none of them really, but not out of some principled skepticism i dont have an emotional connection to any cryptids so i dont really care about them actually that's not true i believe in the insulindian phasmid, despite it being fictional as well as a fictional cryptid

5 - what color are your eyes? standard brown tbh ive been complimented on them multiple times by multiple different ppl, many of whom i had never met but idk they dont really seem that special to me

6 - why did you do that? i wanted to answer all of these (said as much in my reblog), but i didnt have the motivation to until i desperately needed something to distract me from my piercings itching they feel pretty much fine now but well i started so i cant stop

7 - hair-ties or scrunchies? both! hair ties are great for when i part my hair into two different things i forget the name or for when i (rarely) braid scrunchies are great for just holding my hair together when i need to sleep or get my hair out of my face or go out lazymoding

8 - how many water bottles are in your room right now? just my one reusable stainless steel bottle, which i really need to refill and drink from brb okay thanks for the reminder i wont go to bed dehydrated today

9 - which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee? lol. lmao. i have intentionally consumed a meaningful amount of caffeine on about 3 occasions in my life, and none of them were from coffee also it smells like shit

10 - would you slaughter the rich? <redacted> <redacted> <redacted> <redacted> <redacted> of course they would be given all opportunity to become not-rich and thus escape <redacted> <redacted> <redacted>

11 - favorite extracurricular activity? this is a weird question to comprehend! i'll just interpret it as 'what was your favorite club-type thing you did in school?' and to that i would have to make it a tie between rock climbing and puzzlehunt-style puzzles

12 - what kind of day is it? a good one! granted i didnt get nearly enough sleep last night but besides that we vibing

13 - when was the last time you ate? like 3 hours ago

14 - do you love the smell of earth after it rains? i love the smell of earth rainy or not, the smell of cities, and generally the smell of outside! except of course for the smells of cut grass and vehicle exhausts, each of which put me into a blinding rage for a couple seconds

15 - are you a parent? (all answers qualify) not even a little bit but if i can reach a point of stability in my life i would be happy to adopt if im not actively prevented from doing so or in the massive pipe dream scenario where i can get a functional womb implant, i would totally go through a pregnancy

16 - can you drive? yes and i need to in order to get to my job >.<

17 - are you farsighted or nearsighted? well this is a false dichotomy i did wear glasses at one point but that was mostly bc my left eye is weird and didnt actually have anything to being far- or near-sighted

18 - what hair products do you use? i mean. shampoo and conditioner im not very picky tbh

19 - imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails? if you asked me to absolutely i mean i wouldnt touch you without your consent ofc but i would almost never turn down a low-stakes opportunity to help anyone im in proximity to

20 - do you say soda or pop? soda im a marylander (i also drink like. one can of sierra mist a year) however every time i think about soda i remember how fanta exists bc coke couldnt resist nazi money and that feels much weirder than a minor linguistics quirk

21 - something you’ve kept since childhood? i dont really have an answer to that (assuming im counting childhood as like. pre-age-13) i mean sure theres a lot of stuff thats just been in this house with me since i was 4, but i never did that consciously all of my most treasured possessions now (hello kitty velvet plush, pentagonal trapezohedron that my teacher made and friends signed when i was sick just before graduating high school, a few books, blåhaj, etc) have only been mine since i was at youngest 17

22 - what type of person are you? im not answering this it's too vague

23 - how do you feel about chilly weather? HATE okay that's a little harsh it's pretty fine once my body's used to it, but the first real chill of autumn fucks my body up

24 - if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing? idk probably just talking about random stuff maybe playing cards or something since im much better at life when i have something not-directly-social to concentrate on oh definitely looking at the sky and pointing out the clouds/birds/stars/moon to each other that one's mandatory

25 - perfume/body spray or lotion? i put a moisturizer on my body after i shower so my eczema doesnt flare up and make my life hell but that's about it i dont really care how i smell beyond just using deodorant

26 - a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times? oh god. media: various trans shouma and shouma x ringo and trans shouma x ringo scenes other ships but that's really the important one by an order of magnitude not media: when i was younger i used to imagine my crush being my gf and kissing me or w/e then after a certain point it was getting rejected / being alone with the hopes that it would convince me that i could be okay like that since i had reason to believe that my crush followed the imagining and not the other way around i dont do either very much anymore now it's just media or being a teacher trying to convince transphobic adults not to hate crime me or their children i may or may not have issues

27 - about how many hours of sleep did you get? depends very much on the day, i need about 9 hours on average but i am extremely flexible in where those hours are allocated over a 4-5 day period

28 - do you wear a mask? i absolutely wear a kn95 almost all of the time that im indoors, and some of the time outdoors (like if im cold) speaking of i need to get a good warm cloth mask so i can go biking in the winter without freezing my lungs

29 - how do you like your shower water? warm but not quite scalding

30 - is there dishes in your room? there are some wrappers but no my room is on the 2nd floor why would i bring dishes up here that sounds like a big hassle

31 - what type of music keeps you grounded? flare by clark powell there are a few other songs, some are homestuck and some aren't, but it really depends on how im feeling in the moment flare doesnt

32 - do you have a favorite towel? no i just wanna get dry

33 - the last adventure you’ve been on? ??? i have not been on adventures my life is quite boring, which is why it's good that im equally boring so i can enjoy it

34 - is there a song you know every word to by heart? bad apple!! i think (jp obviously have i mentioned being a weeb) a few other jp songs and some crane wives songs i also have a solid grasp on the lyrics to, but i couldnt recite them the same way i could for bad apple, at least a couple years ago

35 - what’s your timezone? est (eastern summer time) (what do you mean thats not what est means and that its not est right now)

36 - how many times have you changed your url? i dont think i have, but my tumblr acct is fairly new so thats pretty expected ive been considering moving away from the 'shill' branding, but ill probably do that when/if i change my name for real

37 - someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years? if youve gotten this far youve probably already read my answer to the actual ask for this suffice it to say i have a friend from elementary school ive stayed in contact with up to and including now and i love him

38 - a soap bar that smells good? soap bars dry my skin out so i dont use them

39 - do you use lip balm? when i remember to (almost never)

40 - did you have any snacks today? girl i would not be myself if i wasnt grabbing a cookie every time i remember that they exist

41 - how do you take your coffee? this is bullying

42 - an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site? twitter (T_T) discord i just got on the cracking the cryptic app bc sudokus are fun i also have a crossword app i also have bandori on my phone but i havent opened it in a month and im scared to bc of the downloads

43 - what’s your take on spicy foods? spicy foods are generally good bc the ppl who make them know how to make food im neutral on spice though like i have a decent spice tolerance but it doesnt really taste better or worse when a food is spicy hot similar feelings to garlic, like garlicky foods taste good but so do non-garlic versions of those same foods

44 - you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it? im not answering that cop

45 - can you remember what happened yesterday? yeah i went to work, got some b day congratulations, and ate dalbati + cake with my parents it was good

46 - favorite holiday film? i watched knives out during that period of time in 2019 so im counting it and i dont care that its not a holiday film at all i dont care about christian holidays beyond decorating the tree bc my family's done it since i was a baby

47 - what was the last message you sent? "okay here's a promise for yxll: im gonna stream tomorrow (tomorrow being wednesday, im not allowed to claim that it being past midnight means shit)" my twitch is twitch.tv/its_a_shill if you care i stream tales games

48 - when did you first try an alcohol beverage? summer solstice party 2021 (i was 3 months out from being 21 so like. not exactly transgressive) it was just a bottle of apple cider and since then i really havent drank anything more than that

49 - can you skip rocks? not to the point that i could get 4-5 skips in a row, and it has been a while, but i know the general mechanics and ive gotten a couple good skips

50 - can i tag you in random stuff? id prefer if you dm'd me but sure

#why *am* i like this #unasked game

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my-mt-heart · 2 years

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Im going to try to lighten the mood and explain why i ship Caryl and what they mean to me.

I started to ship them in season 2 with Cherokee rose. I dont remember if this is a deleted scene or not, but when he brought her to the field to show her the flowers, the way he looked at her in this moment was clear as crystal. He was falling for her. Part of me is still convinced canon was supposed to happen in s2 or 3. But then i remember that she was supposed to be killed early (at least this is what i read a long time ago) so i dont know.. unless the plan was to have them canon and then her dead shortly after.

The bus scene, His reaction to her banishment, this f... reunion in No sanctuary, Consumed, them living naturally together in Alexandria at first (just like .... Richonne, may I say)... season 6.13 hug, 6.14 what did they do to you, season 7.10 emotional reunion... everything was screaming love. Love, love, love. IN love.

I never worried about Beth. She was freaking 17. I never worried about Toby although i still dont understand what was the point. I never actually worried about Morgan although some people did: it was just a "ennemies to besties" trope and relationship.

I did worry about Zeke and unfortunately i was right. I did worry about Connie and still do sometimes. Leah never made f..ing sense.

But i dont care about all that. Caryl is my OTP. There are other shows where i find myself able to multiship, but not in twd and certainly not with Caryl.

They dont function well without each other. They would do anything for each other. They would kill for each other (Richard??) Daryl lied for her ("everyone's all right"), they protect each other and are there for each other when needed, they are each other's priority, each other's person. He only had her safety and mental health in mind all season 10. He said he would destroy boats if she didnt stay. Yeah, he said "i shouldn't have asked you to stay!" later in find me but he was hurt (he even said something similar to Michonne in 10.03, basically he was hurt all season because he could not reach Carol).

Carol broke up with ezekiel and never looked back, despite what Zeke would want (i still hope this wont change in 11c). She litteraly broke down in tears thinking Daryl could hate her. She looked at him like he was the moon and the star in stradivarius during the camp eating scene. She was the first one in s2 to see through his bullshit and how big his heart actually was.

They might never be endgame, but they are canon in my heart.

This warmed my cold, dead heart, so thank you for taking the time to write it. I think you're right that it would have been very typical of the show to canonize them right before killing one of them off, and I'm glad we got to watch their relationship deepen and grow organically despite the obvious frustrations of a slow burn. Other "love interests" aside, Daryl and Carol have something special that I'd argue no other characters on the show or any other show have. They really are everything to each other. Hence, why it is so devastating to think of their bond going to waste, but let me stop there before it gets too angsty (another post for another day).

Again, we can continue to have "the conversations," but my inbox is always open for asks like this too. Just saying <3

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dantelionwishes · 3 years

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"Watanabe."

Sato spoke in a firm tone as he leaned against the wall behind him, arms crossed with difficult-to-read expression across his face. He was never a fan of lecturing his students like this, but it needed to be done every now and then. Kids were getting more and more stubborn nowadays, and he's not sure who to blame.

"We've discussed this in the past during our classes. Have you forgotten? Tell me." The teacher waited for an answer from the injured boy, his voice loud and clear with instruction.

A soft huff came from the boy. He felt like he was somehow dying and dead at the same time. Everything hurt. Everything felt terrible.

"... I was winning." He croaked. Whether that was really true or not didnt seem to matter. Maybe he fried his brain a little...

"You were winning in a losing battle with yourself, Watanabe." The teacher had raised his voice a little with urgency, "So many times. I've told you to never overuse your quirk like that." Even while wearing the mask it was clear how loud his voice was getting as he spoke, a growing exasperated appearance on his usually calm face.

"Do you understand the risks you physically take when you pull of stunts like these, Watanabe? Do you?"

....

He turned his head away from his teacher, grunting lightly. Hell, even that simple movement hurt like hell-- "Everyone's quirks b-.. Backfires somehow." Sniff. "... 's not my fault-... Not my fault mine sucks." If he had just gone a little further he could have knocked her out of the ring. Could have proceeded. Hell, he might have won the entire event!

A sigh.

He was crying. Sato took a deep breath to calm himself down and massaged the bridge of his nose.

"You're not listening to me, you can't even answer my question." His brain really was that close to getting melted, his student's basically delusional at this point. He can't think of anything else. Sato really is grateful to have a co-teacher like Lucca to act as referee. Their special class of unique students were a bit stubborn, almost comparable to the current third years when they were younger.

"I've told everyone in class to not overuse their quirk, not just you." The teacher leafed through Taishiro's medical papers, briefly going through the history of his quirk. "Do you understand where I'm going, Watanabe?" Based on the student's expression alone, he knew he wasn't listening.

Previous records of burns. Overuse. Overheating in summer. Some brief notes about malnutrition and possible neglect from a few years back-

"......"

Was he listening? Tired? Or did he fuck himself up and needed longer to think? Oh lord.. ".... Ss.." ow

".... Sato-sensei... I-- gh... You don't get it at all." sniffle. Ow existing is painful. "... I-i have to."

"You don't." His voice stayed unyielding, but kinder. "You don't have to, Watanabe."

Sato set the papers beside away, handing it to Recovery Girl who watched with a worried expression. "It's...a high school event," he approached, sitting at the foot of the bed where his student rested. "Watanabe. It's a sports festival. You are a sixteen years old teenage student who shouldn't be focusing on studies and making friends."

"...."

Sniff

".... You d.. you don't get it-" It felt like no one did "You just-- S-sometimes you just gotta deal with a little pain- UGH-" Yoshie look what you did you fucked up the kid- He squeezed his eyes(?) Closed. "T-... To get where you need to.."

"A little." He repeated, "A little pain." Sato felt a nerve pop at how Tai's words, but let it slide. Take a deep breath, you're past your prime, Osamu. It's his story, not yours. Don't make it about you. The kid needs this. He needs you right now.

The teacher pointed to his pitch-black hands, his injuries, his bandages, his current state of being. There was even a constant, soft whirring of a fan as his student recovered in bed. "You're going to get yourself killed before you can get where you need to, Taishiro. I can't let you do this."

His hands twitched. There was an attempt to ball his fists, but the pain didn't do any favours.. If he kept this up then he'd lose the functions in his hands entirely, if not the hands themselves.

"W-" An attempt to sit up. Very short lived though. "Y-you're not kicking me out of the tournament are you?!" Owie his throat. "You can't do that!"

"Stay still, Watanabe-kun!" Recovery Girl raised her voice from her seat, upset. "You shouldn't move around so much in your condition. You're going to stay here until you've stabilized." She crossed her arms. "Anything happens to you, and it's going to be on me!"

"You heard the boss," Sato turned back to his student, putting a sympathetic hand on Tai's blanketed knee. "Please, you need all the rest you can get. You need this more than anything else right now."

B- but that's not fair!!!" He shook a little. Pain? Anger? Who knows. "I was so close-- You can't do this to me, Sensei!!!" Oop tears ahoy

"Close to dying, if that was your goal." The teacher's expression was solemn, serious. This conversation was getting nowhere, and his student continued to be stubborn and in denial. He wished he could stay here for him, but he's got his job as a homeroom teacher cut out for him. He has other students to tend to, but this one...he might not be enough for Tai.

"I don't want you risking your life out there, against your own classmates. It's. A sports festival. You're supposed to be having fun out there." Sato pointed to the window, where the stadium could be seen from the clinic, "You enrolled here to become a hero, didn't you? What's the point if you don't make it to fighting villains? You won't be anywhere close if everything ends here."

"If I can't handle a sports festival how am i going to handle villains?!??" Angy.. "I-its not my fault I was matched with someone powerful!!"

"No hero gets to choose who they'll fight on the battle field. That's exactly what you're here in UA, Watanabe." Sato raked his fingers through his own locks, giving his student a meaningful glance. "To learn."

The usually tired teacher's eyes began to blaze with passion. "You're going to exactly learn how to, without endangering yourself. I've been teaching you how to, haven't I?" He didn't enroll into education for nothing, after all. "Or perhaps my classes really are that boring, hm?" Sato passed a joking glare towards Taishiro, recalling his grades and current standing.

".. I was winning" Huff "You should be happy about that... One of your students was doing good.. And now you're blocking him from winning"

He's not listening. Teenagers really are a different breed, huh?

The bed shifted from Sato's weight as he slowly moved towards the other student before gently, softly, enveloping Taishiro in the warmest hug he could give without adding pain to his injuries.

"You've done amazingly, well beyond my expectations...and now you need to rest. I'm so sorry I have to stop you here, when you're so close. I really am." Sato brings a hand behind Taishiro's head, carefully caressing his brightly coloured hair. He strokes the back of his head gently, speaking in a voice just as tender.

"I'm more than happy, Watanabe. Thank you for being a proud, strong student of Class 1-X."

He flinches a little from the pressure. Ow- Injury--

Whens the last time someone pet his hair like this? Not since he was tiny, probably. It was nice. Reminded him of snoozing on his dads lap on the way home from the park.

...

Sniff.

Sniff sniff-

The tears were already there, of course, but this just made it worse, thick black tears pouring from his eyes(?) Mann.. Even after all of that. After almost melting himself alive. After being so stubborn..

He was still just a teenager.

Hic-

He trembled, hiccuping as his lip trembled... And finally fully giving into his tears. Wailing onto his teacher. Sorry Sato your shirt is gonna get stained

It's not the first time Sato's shirt got stained with black tears. If anything, he's just happy to be there for his students in their time of need. He continues speaking what's on his mind, all the while hugging and comforting him via headpats.

"You kids are going to be the future. You guys are going to protect us when the time is right," voice low and soothing, he kept going. "So as your teacher, I can't have you risking your life as early as now. It would be my fault if something bad happened to you, it meant I didn't teach right."

He leaned back, breaking the hug. Even with the mask, Sato's smile was evident as his eyes crinkled with encouragement and pride towards Taishiro. "So with that, please continue being a good student, 'kay? Study well and become a great hero."

Hic hic hic--

Oh he's a mess. Aw man the bandages are gonna get stained too. :C

He kept shaking. Pained. Both emotionally and physically. God he was so tired-- "I-i'm trying!!"

"Trying a bit too hard, I'd say." Sato laughed softly, if not a bit cocky.

"You'll need some extra remedial classes if you want to be a good hero. And maybe some extra focus." Before he could say anything else, there was a knock at the door. Ah, right on time. Recovery Girl glanced as Sato put away his phone into his pocket, did he contact someone?

"Come right in, sir. The door's open."

Sniff...

He lifted his head. Another doctor maybe? Who would- ...

"Taishiro-!"

Oh lord-

Yoshie wastes no time. He's still in his pizza place uniform. Pizza smell. Pizza man.. He dashes over to grab and hold his son, of course causing the kid a little more pain but- Hey he could deal. Proabbly-

"D- Dad?!"

"Tai- Taishiro i saw everything--" He grabbed his son by the shoulders, face full of concern.

"How could you do that to yourself?! Do you know how dangerous that was?!?!"

"Dad...-"

"No! You can't-- Son. You can't keep doing this!!"

"I was winni-" "YOU WERE KILLING YOURSELF, TAI."

...

Tai is pulled in for a tight hug again, his father tearing up as he holds his son protectively, tai looking stunned for a moment.

"You can't do that-- Why would--" A sniff. From Yoshie this time. "..You're my only son, Tai! You can't do that to yourself!"

The father turned his head a little, looking at the teacher. ".. I-is it possible for me to take him home? Watch over his recovery?"

Sato hummed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Well...it's a miracle the match ended before things for irreversible. It's another miracle that we've got such an amazing nurse on our side, too." He glances over to Recovery Girl for an opinion. "What do you say, Ma'am?"

"He's still a bit unstable, so we need to watch over him a bit more. He did too much work this festival, so..." The school nurse herself huffs, always with the tendency to scold those she heals up. "Learn to control yourself, young man! You're still a teenager, don't risk yourself at this age!" She raises her cane, gesturing to all the other students in the ward. "And that goes for all of you, too! Got that?!" A collective groan from the injured students follows, sounding like a "yes, ma'am."

The teacher decided to continue for her, "He should be okay to bring home by tomorrow." He placed a hand on Yoshie's shoulder, kind but firm. "Don't worry Watanabe-san, your son is in good hands."

"...."

A small nod, before he turns back to his son, cupping the students face.

"Tai.. I know it's not been easy. I know-.. I know i've not been the best father to you-" Two idiots be crying "... But this-..You can't do this. Not for my sake.." Looks like he saw the rin match. oop. "You have to do things for yourself. Make friends! ignore your work-- Hell, get another piercing- Just.. Don't give up your youth for me, Tai."

"D..."

All of this was for him.. All of this was.. All... "

... D-daaad-!!"And back to wailing he goes, his father chuckling a little through his own tears, holding him close. and letting his son cry it out. There was a lot of healing to be done, but at least this time he'd fight like hell to be around to help with it.

Sato watched as the two cried in each others arms, relieved that things turned out pretty well in the end. He excused himself from the clinic, waved goodbye to the nurse, father, and patient.

Now, then...

As soon as he closed the infirmary door behind him, Hikari, the redheaded girl from the other class was clutching her cellphone anxiously as she stuttered to find her voice. He wasn't well acquainted with her, but knew she did rather well in his class knowing that she received some sort of prior training from her pro hero relatives with that unfortunate quirk of hers. And she's the last of Class 1-Y standing...if anything, he's a bit worried considering Lucca's most anxious student is going to fight his scariest, angriest student.

"It's okay. He's doing well." He craned his neck as he looked up at the towering high schooler, "It's not your fault."

Taishiro didn't know Hikari's immunity to heat and fire. Trying to pull off a stunt like burning himself up in the inside to try and fry her only backfired completely. She couldn't do anything either, doing her damnedest to keep herself in the stage even if he kept rewounding time. Lucca must have noticed her student's distress in trying to get close to Taishiro to stop him. I really have to treat her to drinks sometime, it's tough being a teacher.

"S.....S-Sensei...."

A broken whimper stopped his trail of thought.

"Ah, sorry. You want me to escort you back to the stadium? Don't worry, I know Fuwa is scary and all, but--"

"........it's not th-that...."

Sato raised a brow and observed her movements. She's always trembling, but...she's shaking pretty badly. The student looks like she just finished crying, puffy eyes, nose and all. She clutched her phone close to her body before opening her mouth again. Hikari recalled the conversation she had on the phone and mustered up all the courage she had.

"I...I need to go home."

#bnha oc comeback #hikari kamino #Osamu Sato sensei #bnha oc #drabble #others ocs

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reynie-muldoons · 3 years

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'The Dance of the Celestial Orb' liveblog!

for real this time lmfao

book and show spoilers below

I'm ✨nervous✨ please let our children be okay

0:10 this Sticky arc hurts me so kuch

1:35 this music is BUMPIN

2:22 I just wanna know how she got under there without the dude seeing her

2:47 "all systems go" for the Improvement.... yikes 😬😬😬

2:55 she didn't wait even 5 seconds after they left, the door was still closing when she popped up 😂 can you imagine if one of them doubled back right at that moment

3:18 they look like the dudes from that veggietales movie, I think it was Esther- the island of perpetual tickling?? Anyone??? 😂😂😂

4:00 Kate vented.......

4:51 "not a rat" yeah no shit

5:07 if not for the suspense, I would be jamming out lmaooo

6:10 Mr. Benedict is looking at the shoreline, is he about to watch Kate dive in???? Because I mean that's where she's gotta be going

6:20 "memory challenges"? Is Rhonda talking about Milligan's amnesia, or has short term memory been affected as well??

6:29 .....thank you for answering so efficiently 😂

6:42 "I buy it. I completely.... buy it." RHONDA THAT'S NOT HELPFUL AHSKSHDJKD

6:56 can you imagine seeing your friend go down in a sub then hours later seeing the sub float up in fucking PIECES

7:06 KATE! KATE! KATE! KATE!

7:06 please let it be reunion time

7:25 oh hello that's a drop

7:38 *to the tune of Bezos I* come on Katie u can do it pave the way put ur back into it

7:51 she craves that mineral

8:06 Sticky, my child

8:20 oh my gosh they went out and LOOKED FOR HER I care them 😭😭😭

8:23 SHE KNEW HIS DREAM SHE KNEW HIS DREAM TELEPATH TELEPATH TELEPATH

8:34 STICKY STOPPPP

8:40 "jumping to conclusions is a failure of character" wow that really is something Curtain would say

8:52 angry Reynie. He is in rare form

8:54 "and you helped put her there!" OOOOOOOH I SCREAMED

9:03 "I shouldn't have yelled" okay but you kinda should have Sticky needs a wake up call

9:06 "dont apologize. I like this side of you." IS THIS THE START OF REYNIE AND CONSTANCE HAVING THE BEST SIBLING RELATIONSHIP

9:22 "if you really cared about me, you'd want me to be happy instead of standing there telling me who I am" oh Sticky my dude I am NOT digging the manipulation

9:36 Reynie pulling out the BFF card!!! Also Reynie digging in his feet because he knows he's right!!!! That's great setup for his arc as a strategist later

9:48 "I'm telling you, Kate's fine." Narrator: Kate was not, in fact, fine.

10:03 "they'll notice." Sticky has made one (1) good point.

10:11 oh dear god are they fingerprinting this bitch

10:19 all this equipment, has no one walked up to the cliff and looked down???

10:23 HAHAHAHA WAIT THEY ACTUALLY HAVEN'T

10:27 "we've been out here all night" that means Kate has been clinging to a cliff by her fingers and toes ALL NIGHT????

11:04 babe I know it's been a long night but maybe wait a second for them to actually leave before you climb back up

11:15 BUCKET NO

11:22 she has to go get it. There's no way someone wouldn't find that shit, it's in plain view

11:37 "WAS"???? WHY ARE WE SAYING WAS????? NO PAST TENSE HERE MILLIGAN'S FINE

11:43 "I only wish we could've known him better" NOOOPE NONONO WE'RE NOT DOING THIS

11:47 Rhonda back at it as the voice of reason!!!!!

11:59 "I have never met a more competent swimmer" throwback to "the baaAAAYYYY"

12:10 MR. BENEDICT'S FACE HAHAHAHA HOLD ON LET ME TAKE A PICTURE IM DYING

12:11 NUMBER TWO, NOT HELPING

12:14 RHONDA'S FACE HAHENDJDKDN

12:33 "we will go rescue him" because of COURSE he would

12:36 Rhonda is his best wingwoman omfg she's so consistent

12:54 MISS PERUMAL??????

12:56 MISS PERUMAL!!!!!!

13:00 SHE KNOWS HE'S RIGHT GAKSHDBDHEKSNND

13:09 "how hard can it be? It's an island!" PFFFFT

13:16 oh SQ baby boy please get out of there

13:25 "I certainly have my own suspicions" he said, looking at SQ why are you looking at SQ like that

13:31 SQ GET OUT OF THERE PLEASE IS2G

13:36 here we fuckin go

13:43 the captions have the f in forest capitalized like it's this special place

13:43 new hc that the Forest is a magical place like pixie hollow

13:57 TWO THINGS: 1. YES stand up for yourself baby!!!! 2. Shepard Quaid? Interesting! I don't think we ever got SQ's full name in the books, I hope TLS made that decision!

14:08 your "father hat"??? Oh my gosh shut the fuck up right there don't even continue

14:16 oh yeah real fuckin cute put on your "steward of this institution hat" and call that a good reason to be a shit person

14:43 "No." GOOD FOR HIMMMM GOOD JOB SQ

15:03 Kate's struggling right by the shore where a certain someone would be returning after a very hard swim, it would be a great time for a meeting wouldn't you think

15:09 KATE THE GREAT

15:11 "THE TRAPESE GODDESS" I WILL REFER TO HER AS NOTHING ELSE

15:26 sorry but that green screen of her falling was kinda funny

15:28 soooooo is someone, a very certain someone, gonna catch her...??????

15:36 YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

15:43 IS THIS IT????@?@?!?

15:46 awww poor baby girl you can tell how tired she is

15:46 just putting this out there- they look so good in frame together

15:46 the actor who plays Milligan is fucking huge in stature so I wasn't sure how that would go but it looks so good

16:00 THE WAY HE'S LOOKING AT HER WITH HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER I CANT DO THISSSSS

16:20 "keep going." 😭😭😭😭😭

16:23 "you dont understand." Ohhhh I think he does

16:25 "I think I do." What did I tell you, he's got your back babygirl

16:45 I'm so glad she's talking this out, and with Milligan of all people

17:01 it makes so much sense for Kate to feel alone in that situation, and when Kate feels anything less than positive she goes and does something, whatever that something is.

17:05 "So.. I...." "fell off a cliff and nearly died." Thanks for putting things into perspective Milligan

17:05 Milligan is such a good dad stop

17:19 "most of the way" is an understatement LMFAO

17:29 I'm so glad we know the intimate details of Milligan's illustrious swimming abilities 😂 out of all the new things wfrom the show that one wasnt on my radar

17:52 leave it to Milligan to come up with an escape plan off of an island with no water vessel with four kids in tow

18:08 THEYRE SO CUTE 😭😭😭😭

18:08 lowkey I'm super surprised they didnt take this opportunity to have Milligan's arduous swim force his memories out and have the father daughter bonding time they deserve. I hope they give that moment ample time to flesh out.

18:13 BUCKET!!!

18:13 wait that shot is so artsy hold up lmfao

18:13 this looks like someone's photography final hahahaha

18:26 THE TENDER MUSIC STOPPPP 😭😭😭

18:41 Sticky is still on that jumping to conclusions bs he got from Curtain

18:44 WETHERALL'S WIDGET 😭

19:31 "Kate... she's in danger..." NO SHIT SHERLOCK

19:36 "and it's all because of me." Not just because of you but love to see you taking responsibility

19:52 once again I am asking WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS IN THE OPEN

20:26 "Kate. She has changed." "Not really. She's always been who she is." "Her clothes. She changed clothes." PFFFT HAHHAHA they really took a moment of self-reflection and made it so much better

20:55 AYYYYY KATE'S DEPENDENCY ARC CONTINUESSSSS

21:35 yikes yikes yikes

22:16 I love that Mr. Benedict got closure in telling Miss Perumal that her words stuck with him

22:40 the way she just knows Reynie took the position of leader 😭😭

22:54 SHE WROTE HIM A LETTERRR

23:02 "Would it be possible to get this to him?" Ma'am what part of undercover spy don't you get

23:54 it's still really weird that we are now in a position where Reynie is the one who is not trusted and Sticky is the one in Curtain's favor

24:13 and here we see Curtain's thinly veiled anger issues shining through

24:21 "the little things matter. Every minor detail, it all matters!" CALLBACK TO MR. BENEDICT TELLING THE CHILDREN THAT THEY ALL MATTER

24:55 "I can tell with complete accuracy when a person is lying." first of all, no. second of all, I cannot wait for him to talk to Constance.

26:33 why is Mr. Benedict graphically explaining the children's potential trauma so funny to me

26:40 "you're catastrophizing." "Yes. I am. Quite severely. Thank you." WHY IS THIS FUNNY

26:58 MADGE!!!!

27:16 she's so prettyyyyy

27:33 GOOD JOB MADGE!!!!!

27:36 wait did she just take the LETTER??? she's delivering the LETTER?????

28:05 WHAT DOES "OKAY FINE" MEAN??? REYNIE??????

28:22 it's sad because it's true 🥺

28:24 "I miss my teacher from the orphanage" the best lies are the ones rooted in truth 🥺🥺🥺

28:48 roll credits

29:16 Reynie honey Orion's Belt isn't on the ceiling

29:29 the way he was so confident that he had it right 😑 Curtain Stop Being a Pretentious Fuck challenge

29:52 our babygirl is so smartttt

29:55 did Milligan plant his prints 😳 oh no OH NO

29:57 MARTINA???? WHATSUEJHDKD

29:57 is this the replacement for when they pin cheating on her????

30:03 THE KEY CARD!!!!

30:11 MADGEEEE

30:21 "one attacked me as a small child" honey you are a small child

30:24 "it did not win," she said, smiling menacingly

30:40 "so we dance again" WHY DID THE MUSIC REV UP WHEN SHE SAID THAT HAHAHAHA

31:01 ✨woodworking is a passion✨

31:58 "was it functional?" "Well I guess that depends on how you define functionality" RHONDA'S FACE IN THE BACKGROUND HAHAHAHA

32:10 OH HEY MARTINA

32:17 wait 🥺

32:22 that has to be SQ :)

32:28 hi sweet boy

32:34 please tell me they did that shot of the sandwich because Madge is about to take it

32:39 LMFAOOOOO

32:44 hi good girl!!! Enjoy your snackies

32:50 oh god oh no the LETTER

33:25 oh wow we're doing this NOW??

33:52 and here we see another example of Curtain's thinly veiled anger issues bubbling to the surface

34:10 hey what if you uhhh weren't such an asshole

34:33 that man's voice is buttery

34:52 REYNIE'S TRYING TO TELL SQ????

35:02 and they're talking about this right in front of the office door, WHY??

35:24 AND THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE OFFICE DOOR, WHY????

35:55 he's letting him go 🥺🥺🥺🥺

36:14 why does that look like a body bag

36:17 oh my gosh it definitely is a body bag, hey Martina

36:25 yep, that's about what I expected

36:36 "whoever did this to me, they're gonna pay" oh girl do I have some bad news for you

37:12 ahhhh, so Martina is the burnt out gifted kid who keeps going out of spite and sheer force of will

37:12 everything makes much more sense now

37:30 ohhhhh my gosh feelings time

37:44 "I think it's awesome." "Yeah. I know you do." THE SHIPPERS ARE THRIVING

37:54 THEY REALLY WANT TO MAKE THIS AS PAINFUL AS POSSIBLE HUH

38:10 "it's the least I can do" that's an understatement 😬

38:14 AAWWWWW SHKSHSLSBDK

38:20 "I don't know what I'd do without you, Wetherall" STOPPPPP

38:30 HEY BUD UH MAYBE CLOSE YOUR DOOR???

38:38 he's been writing letters to her every night and now he finally gets one back 😭😭

39:34 so Miss Perumal wrote this letter with the intention of it being sent to him, right- why did she write it like that?? 😂

39:34 they've gone to such lengths to communicate in code but the letter kind of undermines that- it was written in such a way that an onlooker would know Reynie was a spy but wouldn't know what he was doing or why. No wonder SQ was pissed

39:41 KATE!!

40:10 BREAKING NEWS: local bastard man treats everyone like shit

40:15 ohhhhh SQ bud please be careful

40:30 "always have time for my son," he said in a clipped voice that implied that he does not have time for his son

40:35 ohhh he's getting RIGHT INTO IT HUH

40:41 you mean to tell me he's never asked about Mr. Curtain's work?? Ever???? Somehow that doesn't seem right to me

40:57 hey uh what if you didn't talk down to SQ at every opportunity

41:02 "would you care to reconsider that answer, son?" "No." DIG THOSE HEELS IN SQ!!!!

41:22 I'm really not digging that Curtain is using the guise of openly expressing his feelings to communicate his anger and his unasked question. Not cool bitch head

41:33 the fact that he didn't answer SQ's spoken question kind of also answers his unspoken question

41:45 "I knew there was something off about that girl. But espionage?" "How do you so convincingly fake a tetherball obsession?" I love that this entire conversation could be about Martina or Kate interchangeably

42:34 WELL THAT'S NOT GOOD

42:36 IF IT WAS THAT EASY TO FIND WITH BINOCULARS HOW HAD THEY NOT BEEN SPOTTED UP UNTIL THIS POINT?!!?#? HOW????

43:05 Kate advocating for Martina with the Society 🥺🥺 the interaction I didn't know I needed

43:58 "I definitely don't like to leave anything unfinished." "That's true, I've seen you eat." PFFFFT

44:05 YESS YOU GO STICKY USE YOUR ACCESS FOR PRIME INTEL

44:19 "well, you can't succeed without me, so..." baby girl you have no idea how right you are

44:28 please let that be Milligan PLEASE LET THAT BE MILLIGAN

44:32 YEAAAAAHHHHH

44:35 I simply adore him

44:45 "would you mind helping me down, please? I'm stuck." Your honor I would die for this man

44:54 oh shit, Martina's tryna sleuth it out herself.. this can't end well

45:04 is she about to find Kate's marbles or something?? Callback to the book?

45:26 the absolute MURDER in her eyes

45:31 FUCKIN YIKES

45:41 "the clothes of someone who had given up" ASEJDGEIDNDLFK

45:47 well that's not good

46:00 WELL THAT'S NOT GOOD

46:04 PLEASE let them be on their way already, please

46:14 THEY MADE A BLIMP????

46:17 Goodyear is QUAKING

46:35 why the fuck is Number Two in red, that's upsetting on principle

THEYRE JUST ENDING IT THERE???? goddamnit!!!!

How surreal is it that next week is the finale?? Idk if I'm ready for that????

#mbs disney+#mbs liveblog #the dance of the celestial orb #the mysterious benedict society #charity's talkies

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cottoncandyjester · 3 years

Text

Let sleeping dogs lie(salem backstory)

People have been asking a ton of questions about salem and his backstory so i decided to answer them in one big post.

This story contains: a lot of child abuse, death, cannibalism, childhood trauma, all around bad times for salem

Salem was a dog, not a child. He slept in a cage,ate scraps and was abused to the point where blood was a permanent taste in his mouth. His brother on the other hand was the perfect child, salem didn't know why his mother loved axis more than him but salem was to believe that something was wrong with him

The truth was that nothing was wrong with salem, he was actually quite gifted in singing and would sing himself to sleep when the late nights scare him. Salem was deemed an ugly child from his mother, his eyes were dead and empty..he never smiled in his life and he doesn't even know how to laugh.

Salem hated axis, he hated axis with every fiber of his being. He hated that axis was treated like royalty while he was dragged through hell just to live, how come axis was so perfect?

The worst part of it was that axis was so sweet to salem, he would sneak down and give salem food when their mother isn't watching. Salem thought axis was just belittling him and that made him hate him more

It wasn't fair, none of this was fair. His mother was supposed to love him more than anything, why was axis so special?!

"your father was an ugly man, a monster and you look just like him..those demon eyes. It's natural for any mother to love the more beautiful child. You're only here cause you are make a lovely trash can"

Maybe asking his mother wasn't the best option, it only broke salem more. Salem finally broke after that, he snuck into axis' room that night. Axis had a fever so the window and door was wide open to cool him off, salem let out a shaky sigh as he walked towards the sleeping boy

Its not fair

I was born first

It's not fair

Even sleeping he looked perfect, salem opened the bottle of chemicals and poured it over axis' eyes. The sounds of screaming and choked sobbing flooded the room as salem stared at his younger brother his eyes being empty of any emotions.

He got beaten extra hard that night, he ruined his mother's perfect little boy so it was only natural for her to want him dead, but it seems she had a far better idea for him.

The next morning he was sold like some rusted toy, a rich family wanted to treat their son to an early birthday present and a commoner slave seemed to be the perfect gift.

"but it's not salem's fault he was just really mad at me! I swear it doesn't hurt anymore!"

Hearing axis sob and cry for him only made salem hate him more, damn him for being so kind.

Salem felt someone force his head up and his blank eyes stared into blue ones, there he met his master.

Hikaru looked beautiful to salem, a pretty boy dressed in pink. He dazzled like a star and the utter sight of him made salem blush.

It seems that hikaru wasn't as sweet as he looked, salem wasn't sure which was worse his mother or hikaru. Salem was forced to wear a shiny collar and crawl around on all fours, he truly was a dog. Hikaru trained him to be obedient and submissive, salem started to forget that he was even human

Hikaru's family were rich and dirty, they could get away with anything even murder. Salem was their dog and as such they fed him whatever remains of the victim they dealt with.

Eating human remains seems to have been the last nail on the coffin when it comes to his sanity, he had finally lost it.

His mind had broke and he couldn't function as a normal person anymore, he wanted nothing but death.

When salem turned 15 years old the toment was too much for him, the constant abuse from hikaru and his family had not only broke him mentally but physically as well, the amount of blunt Force trauma gave him enough brain damage to most likely kill him.

One thing salem hated most of all was the abandonment of his own mother, she was a horrible person but he still loves her yet he despised her for leaving him. He just wanted someone who wouldn't leave, someone who will stay by his side no matter what.

Salem had slit his throat that night, it was hikaru who had found him choking on his own blood and stitched him up before he died. Hikaru was nicer to salem after that, instead of a stray he was treated much like a beloved pet. Salem wasn't sure if it was the stockholm syndrome or what but he grew attached to hikaru

As the two got older their relationship started to become far more twisted, hikaru started using salem for sexual pleasure and salem of course let it happen.

Hikaru's version of sexual pleasure involved hardcore violence, things such as burning and branding filled his excitement. Salem felt as if he owed hikaru his life, hikaru was his master after all and as a lowly dog you do as you were told. Sex slowly became salem's high, he wanted more and more to the point where he would go to other people in hikaru's family, begging to be touched to be used. People don't leave of you offer them sex, that was the one lesson salem learned

When salem turned 19 he was reunited with his brother once more, seems like axis got into the same school hikaru was in thanks to an art scholarship and so the two met and became 'friends'.

Salem as this point was on his way to becoming a drooling mutt, the amount of abuse and trauma he dealt with messed with his brain beyond repair.

When the two brothers reconnected salem didn't remember his brother much, he could barley remember his own name some days. Axis still adored salem with every fiber of his being even if his blindness was salem's fault. Hikaru had no intention of giving salem up, after all salem was his wonderful pet and any pet owner would be sad to give up a family pet.

"i-i want my brother back, please.."

"is that so? Salem what do you think about that?"

Salem, who sat on the floor with his head nuzzled against hikaru's lap shuddered at the thought of not having hikaru. Was hikaru leaving just like his mother?! He couldn't stand it, he can't handle someone else leaving his life or discarding him.

"no no no no no no, ah- no!"

Salem started to spiral at the very thought, why did everyone leave him? Why can't anyone stay for him?! What's wrong with him that makes him just so unloveable?

Salem didnt go back to axis that night, but axis never stopped trying. Every single day he came to bother hikaru into releasing the hold on his brother.

Salem's feelings for his brother were neutral, he was too messed up in the head to clearly piece together how exactly he felt but he didnt hate him anymore

Salem didn't want to leave hikaru and hikaru wasn't finished playing with salem, wherever hikaru went salem did too those two were far too toxic to each other and still are incredibly toxic.

After all salem was just a damaged dog and he only had everyone around him to blame, it's a wonder how he would turn out if he was raised normally.

#yandere imagines #yandere ocs #yandere #tw child abandonment #tw childhood trauma #tw salem #tw toxic behavior

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unloved-cadillac · 4 years

Text

Leather Jackets and Glasses

Y/n L/n, the leader of the notorious gang called The Scouts. Placed in Rose high, Y/n is in her senior year but things take a turn when she starts getting interested in a certain boy named, Levi Ackerman. Follow the journey of heartbreak, betrayal and love between two people who were destined to be together.

CHAPTER ONE:

There’s always someone out there made for everyone. This is something i highly believe in. Every person has their person. A boy could have had this childhood friend, who later in life turned out to be more than that. The girl who kissed her best friend because she had never had her first kiss and wanted to get it over with, only for her best friend to pull her closer and kiss her harder. Everyone had that someone. it was only a matter of time before we all found them. But sometimes, its not always that easy. Things happen that are out of your control. You won’t speak to them for long periods of time, bad fights, leaving. And this almost always happens before you get together. That’s the bad part. But that’s the wake up call to tell you that “hey. I care for this person more than myself. I need them. I can’t loose them”.

I loved the idea of love. But I never spoke on it. It made me seem weak and soft and, that’s something i did not want a GANG to know. But i have had my fair share of boyfriends, no love just a quick fuck here and there but there was one boy who captured my heart without even trying. He did so effortlessly you would think he was the biggest player out there. But no. That was just who Levi Ackerman was.

It all began in my senior year of high school. The year had just started and i had nothing to be afraid of. My gang, The Scouts, were the notorious gang of Rose. I was their leader, mostly because my father was the main leader of The Scouts. He was The Godfather. I’d like to say that I did fairly well in school, but not A plus material, I just wanted to graduate and get outta there. This year was mostly about forming new relationships, clearing the air to certain people, and just making amends. But some people also wanted to confess to their someone. I dont want to brag or anything, but i had a lot of people wanting to be with me. Boys would try their luck and i only gave a few chances to a few people, and well, it never turned out good, mostly because my dad found something wrong with them, wanted them to join the gang or they were too scared to take things further.

I loved the gang. They were my family. And plus I could get anything I wanted. I was a princess. In my senior I made a promise to myself that I would not date. Anyone. No matter who much they begged. Because when I hit 17, my life in the gang became a whole lot dangerous. Shootouts would occur at my house, I would get kidnapped and sometimes they would use my friends to threaten me. It was horrible to say the least. And I could ony imagine what they would do if i had a special someone. God. I would not want my someone to have this life. As great as it is material wise, shit gets serious in a split second. My dad had warned me about it. He said that the only way i would get involved with someone is if he had picked them. And naturally i told him, i just wouldnt get a boyfriend, much to his displeasure.

Of course, my school had heard about the little, mishaps my gang had endured and that resulted in me having this huge reputation in school. I was labelled as: dangerous. I’m not gonna lie to you and say that I didnt get into fights, or break some bitches nose because they offended me. I was still a gangster, fighting is in my blood. I got suspended. A lot. And apparently, that attracted Levi.

I had seen him around town and school. He would always be in the cafe around the corner of Trost. I knew that because my brother owned that cafe. Marco had nothing to do with the gang. He wasn’t my father’s child so my dad wasn’t so concerned about him. He was from my mothers first marriage, but that never stopped us from being brother and sister. My mother left me after three years and went back to Marco’ father.

Levi was one of the smartest people at school. Always getting awards but he never seemed to go for the functions. He had kept to himself most of the time. He had his close friends. To name them there was Farlan(his brother), Isabel(Farlan’s girlfriend),Hange(the crazy science geek) and Erwin, the jock.

The first time I actually had spoken to Levi was in Physics. I was running late because I was caught up in beating someone up at the back of the school for reasons I shall not say. I ran into the classroom, out of breathe. Everyone looked at me. Some snickered but when I shot them a quick glare, they shut up.

-Ah Ms L/n. How nice of you to join us.

My professor told me, voice laced with sarcasm.

-uh..sorry. I was busy..lost track of time.

I explained. I winced all of a sudden when I looked at my knuckles. Bleeding. Of course. But I kept that hand behind my back.

-hm. Get to a seat.

He said a bit irritated. I walked away to find one and the only one that was available was the last one by the window. I sat down and realized that..I didn’t bring my books. I cursed myself then I turned to my left and saw a boy sitting there taking notes. He seemed really into his work though, but shit, I needed something to write on.

-hey.

I say to capture his attention. He stops writing and slowly looks towards me. He seems really...shy?

-can I borrow a page? And pencil?

I ask him. He widens his eyes and quickly tears a page from his book and digs in his pencil case for a pencil. He finds one and hands me the objects.

-thanks,man.

He simply nods, a faint blush forming on his cheeks but I couldn’t really see it because he put his head down and his long ass bangs hid most of his face. I take a second to observe him. A simple t-shirt, black jeans with converse and cute pair of glasses. His hair was sort of, jet black. I smirk. I knew him. He was one of those top students.

-alright. I’m gonna pass out your tests.

My professor suddenly says. “Fuck”, I mentally curse. I hated physics. I never got the gist of it. I only knew those Newton’s Laws. But I knew that wasn’t enough. He walks around passing papers and comes to me. He looks at my paper, fucking ‘scoffs’, and hands me my paper. A 57. That’s what I got. I didn’t think it was that bad, but this teacher is makingit seem as if the world had just caught on fire and its pissing me off. Looks like someone’s car is getting wrecked today.

-Levi, well done. Keep it up.

I hear him say to the boy. Ah. Levi. That was his name. I reach over and see his mark. 97. Goddamn. He was smart smart.

-a 97? Holy fuck. I could never.

I tell him. He looks at me, kinda stunned. I must admit, if he took off those glasses, it would be one of those scenes in those shitty teen movies where the nerd removes their glasses to reveal they look like a model. But he still looks cute. I looked at him tilting my head to the side.

-what?

I ask him. He shakes his head and looks back down. What a strange one. Suddenly I flinch and look at my bruised knuckles. Fuck they were bleeding. I pat down my pockets on my jeans and check my inside pocket of my leather jacket. How marvelous. I didn’t bring a handkerchief. So I just hold the bruise down to stop the bleeding. Maybe I can make it 45 minutes. All of a sudden I see a handkerchief next to my arm. I look at it, confused, but I take it anyway. I look at Levi. He has a smile, tiny smile. Yeah, he gave me it.

-Thank you.

I tell him. I saw him visibly tense but he looks at me and smiles. I felt...warm. What was this feeling? It’s weird. I have never experienced this before. I don’t know if I want to throw this feeling away or like it. But I promised myself that I wouldn’t get involved with anyone. I may be an asshole, but I would NEVER want anyone to join a gang. Especially my person.

Throughout the day I kept my eye on Levi. I don’t know why I did, but it was just something I found myself doing. The gang and I were chilling on the stands by the football field.

-Ugh! I just want school to finish already! I can’t take it anymore.

Eren says. He was fairly new to the gang, after I found him beating up a kid in an alleyway I recruited him. He’s super hyper and gets worked up easily so he was a good asset to us.

-and I can’t take you complaining anymore.

Jean shoots back. Jean and Eren almost never got along. But I kept them in line.

-both of you shut up.

My right hand woman says. Mikasa. She matched me in strength, but she never dared put me off. We all knew that Jean had a crush on Mikasa, but he never had the balls to say anything. I ignored them and kept my eyes on the boy on the first stand. He was with Hange and Isabel, I take it he was watching Erwin and Farlan train.

-what do you say, Y/n?

Eren asks me. I look at him after a while.

-say what?

I ask.

-you seem to be staring an awful lot lately. Who caught our oh so powerful leader’s eyes?

Eren hops down to where I’m sitting.

-shut up.

I tell him and look back at the field. Eren follows my eyes.

-oh is it Erwin? I’m not gonna lie, he is hot.

-Gay much, Eren?

Jean says as he sits next to me.

-fuck off, horse face.

I don’t care for their conversation and sneak glances at Levi. He seems to be quiet most of the time, since Isabel and Hange talk his ears off. I feel my pocket and I feel the handkerchief. I’m not giving it back. It’s mine now. I seem to be daydreaming again because Jean keeps talking to me.

-what do you want?

I ask him harshly.

-I just want to know if you’re going to homecoming next month.

I scoff and turn my face back to the field.

-of course I am. There’s a lot of things I want to ruin on that night. Oh and by the way guys, home time I want to key my physics teacher’s car. He’s been acting like a bitch and I want to teach him a lesson.

Jean and Eren scream,” HELL YEAH!”, and that caused some people to look at us. That good for that because I caught Levi’s attention. He turns and looks at me. I smile and wink at him. He widens his eyes and turns around. I love fucking around with him.

Hometime rolls in and we go out to the car park and look for my teacher’s car. Luckily, the son of a bitch didn’t park where the cameras were so I pull out my key and so did the others and run it down the bonnet of the car. I run it through the driver’s door moving it to the back. Mikasa took the boot and the boys took the roof and passenger side. After our masterpiece we heard:

-HEY YOU BRATS! STOP THAT.

My physics teacher yells. We look and laugh and made a run for it. We ran to our bikes and took off. Laughing. We drove past the gate and everyone was cheering for us as well. I saw Levi. I once again winked at him and rode away. “Maybe I should mess around with him. What could go wrong?”

Little did I know, a whole lot would go wrong.

Chapter Two

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #aot #levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #snk #aot fanfiction #Levi x gangster!reader #captain levi #modern au #high school au #rivai ackerman #Leather Jackets And Glasses #LJaG

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gojoyogurt · 3 years

Text

Jujutsu Kaisen Christmas!!

jjk headcanon!

characters: every character introduced in the anime so far! and you of course hehe

plot: everyone is invited to jujutsu tech for a christmas party, including the unidentified special grade curses that have the ability to talk but... ITS CHRISTMAS.

as you guys were preparing for the party in the function room, panda kept trying to eat all the snacks so nobara had kept trying to hold him back (to no avail because she eventually got crushed underneath him)

gojo... was nowhere to be found OBVIOUSLY and the curses gang were just chilling outside. you were lowkey praying that jogo wouldnt set anything on fire before the party even started.

megumi was just hanging around with itadori and junpei, playing with his gyokuken (divine dogs) [honestly wouldnt that just be so cute]

you, maki-san and mai-san were busy setting up everything and also having small chit chats here and there.

since gojo wasnt there yet, ijichi-san was everywhere, both panicking and pissed since gojo was NEVER on time no matter what the event was.

nanami couldnt be bothered anymore to settle the situation so he was quietly reading at one corner.

inumaki was just vibing to the christmas music playing in the background with panda after wrestling with nobara.

before the party started, a very popular christmas song that was trending on vikvok started playing, being the great senpai he is, todo dragged itadori to the middle of the room to start dancing with him alongside inumaki and panda.

it was already around 7.30pm and gojo wasnt there yet so yall just decided to start without him to not waste anytime

everyone gathered around the table that had food on it, “LETS EAT IM STARVING” jogo suddenly screamed in the room with his fire coming out of almost every hole in his head.

“now now, jogo, be patient.” mahito calmly cooled down jogo to prevent the fire hazard from creating havoc during the party.

“who thought it was a good idea to invite the curses here...” megumi sighed as he shot eye darts at junpei, which junpei completely avoided.

“c’mon!, the more the merrier!” you said as you thought that they really shouldn’t have come, but it was all the make junpei happy so...

as the party started, everyone was just going around getting food. everything was smooth sailing until... itadori suddenly spreads cake icing over megumi... yeah megumi was both pissed and confused at the same time so he chased itadori around the table. itadori was laughing his ass off while he had a raging megumi chasing after him. thankfully the food was fine so all is good so far.

after about AN HOUR, gojo finally shows up. “hey guys! what did i miss?” gojo said cheerfully. however, a dark ominous shadow appeared behind him and whacked his head so hard it made the whole room go silent.

“not even an apology?” nanami reprimanded gojo while staring down at him.

since an hour has passed, it was already time for the next thing on the agenda so gojo didnt even have time to eat the moment he arrived, he was okay nonetheless.

Game time!

the first game was something like blinfold elimination? im not too sure about the name. the way to play is:

two members of the team are blindfolded and is waiting outside a ring that has balls scattered everywhere

in order to win, the two blindfolded team members have to eliminate the other teams blindfolded members by finding a ball and throwing it at them

however, since they cannot take of their blindfold, the remaining team members will have to guide them to find the balls and help them to tell them roughly where and when they should throw the ball.

the non-blindfolded team members are not allowed to throw the balls and use their cursed energy.

the rules were fairly simple so yall split yourselves into 4 teams.

the 8 blindfolded people were itadori and inumaki, panda and aoi, mahito and mai, nanami (he was dragged into it) and nobara.

you were on mahito and mai’s team so you decided to just guide mai along since you were a lottle uncomfortable with mahito. jogo was there for him anyways and they make a better team.

gojo started the game by screaming and suddenly the room was filled with desperate screams to get the ball.

balls were flying everywhere and people were already crying of laughter because of the scene.

itadori kept scurrying along the floor like an insect which made everyone laugh but he couldn’t be hit no matter what.

as time passed by, more and more people got eliminated, including mai-san and the only people left were nanami and mahito. (oooo the matchup)

the rest were frantically screaming everywhere that they should go and throw in a certain direction.

it felt so tense yet so fun at the same time so it was pretty enjoyable to watch.

finally nanami hit mahito with the ball and the game was over. “good game, jujutsu sorcerer” mahito said in defeat while shaking his hand. “i only do what im supposed to” nanami nonchalantly replied as both enemies walked away from each other

the game took WAY longer than expected so it was time for the exchange gifts!

Exchange Gift time!!

yayy its exchange gift timee.

everyone gathered together and sat in a circle in the large empty space of the room with their gifts in hand.

“okay! lets all pass around the gifts until the music stops!” you announced as you started the music.

all the gifts were just travelling everywhere in very different directions including across the room.

you stopped the music and everyone made sure that they each had a gift in hand.

all of you took turns opening up the gifts and there were actually some pretty funny ones. by a huge coincidence itadori got a sukuna finger cake that was made by mai-san. it didnt look the best but.... hey the effort counts.

you opened up your gift and you found a keychain of megumis divine dogs. you guessed that it was from him and to no surprise it was. you found it so cute you immediately attached it onto your bag.

after opening your gift you proceeded to just watch the others open theirs. some of them were quite ridiculous as mahito got a hanger and jogo got a can opener.

it soon came down to the last person nanami so he opened up his gift slowly, he tore one side open, peeked inside, and immediately closed it. “whoever bought this gift must be very childish...” he said in disappointment

itadori ran towards him and ripped open the present and realised, it was a maids outfit.

everyone burst into laughter just imagining nanami in a maids outfit. “h-hey! who gave him that HAHAHAHA” itadori asked as he was rolling on the floor with his hands over his stomach.

gojo slowly raised his hand up and was already at the door, ready to escape.

nanami slowly rised, “please excuse me” he said calmly and he bolted out the door to chase gojo

that sight made everyone laigh even more until they had no more energy to laugh.

by the time they returned with gojo semi beat up, everyone was so out of energy and just lying down on the floor while listening to christmas music play in the background.

“should we pack up now? its also quite late” panda asked and everyone nodded in agreement.

everyone helped to pack up the remaining food and clean up the place before leaving.

once the whole place was clean, everyone siad their goodbyes and left in different directions.

andd there it is! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! hope you guys enjoyed this and i also hope you have a fun time with your families today! hopefully you get the gifts you want too HAHA. i may or may not post on new year’s but ill try if i can. ill be quite busy starting 2021 since thats when school starts, ew, but ill still try my best to post every now and then so please forgive me if im inactive! anywho, besides all that, please stay safe and have a merry christmas and a happy new year yalls! see you guys soon!!

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #anime #jjk christmas #merry chrysler #merry christmas

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flowerslightning · 4 years

Text

How does a character's death affect the hero

It's been bothering me for a while. Between Mr Strife, Claudia, Zack and Aerith, whose death gives the most impact in his life? The three of them die before his eyes, and we know nothing about Cloud's father but I believe they gave different blow to him

When Cloud says he feels guilty about the lost of his loved one, I strongly believe it is not about Aerith only.

Let's be specific. Pls dont get offensive, this is just my opinion. Hear me out and correct me if Im wrong

AERITH'S DEATH | ZACK'S DEATH

Alright, I'm gonna assume you guys had read both characters' death. Sorry, no Claudia post since we dont get to see much of her

Sooo long story short,

We hear nothing about Cloud's father, but his absent gives impact to Cloud's personality. Cloud grow up without a father figure making him to appear small, crybaby, low self confident, and had once developed anger prob

And there we have Claudia Strife, can I say she was the first person to die before Cloud's eyes?

Loosing a mother in such tragic way surely would give a deep scar in your memories and heart. How does this effects Cloud?

Let's say, you stab your chest with a 5kg knife (DONT DO THIS) and the depth of the wound is 10cm, sure it hurts like hell but it will heal. The wound will need to close with stitches and a small scar will be there. And what if there is noo stitches? Well, the skin has to close on its own

The same goes to Cloud, he had his first wound of losing someone dear infront of him but then he healed in times. The wound? Its there, scarred with small pain

4 years later, Zack died protecting him, right infront of Cloud's eyes. Stab again the chest with the 5kg knife, at the same place. The old wound will re-open and new wound formed, causing more damage to the cells and a lot painful than the previous stab and the wound is deeper

And how did it affect Cloud? He was in deeper pain now. The same place got attacked again, leaving the scar deeper, painful and unhealed.

A year later (or less?), Aerith died infront of him and he didnt do anything to stop Sephiroth. The previous wound with Zack has not healed yet, but the knife is already stabbing back the chest, at the same place with the same weight

And the result? You can hardly breath air. Your heart, your lung will loss their function, super painful, bleeding, deformity, you can barely feel the presence of your torso, the skin probably has tear off too, it feels like you wanna cut off the whole body but you cant.

And you have to drag the wound all around you. You probably will limp as well. Every steps you make, every breath you take, with the blood dripping down, the pain just keeps getting stronger and stronger. Hell you may get bacteria infection if its left untreated. But who’s going to treat you? (tifa..uhuk) The wound is invisible but its real

How comes the wound can gets serious even though you stab using a knife with the same weight and same place - bcause you stabbed the same unhealed wound continuously, without a rest.

Which event cause the most severe pain? - the third one ofc,

This is how Cloud feels when he lost Aerith. His already massively wounded heart has been continuously stabbed by the same event - the death of his loved ones before his eyes.

Learning that Aerith was related with Zack, and Zack died protecting Cloud then later Aerith died infront of him, the death of Aerith hit Cloud seriously

Soo, when the fans say Cloud suffers from depression and keeps talking about the death of his dear, I dont think Cloud refers this to Aerith only

He refers it to Zack and Aerith, (and probably Claudia too)

Im not trying to offend Clerith shippers. But its just that, try to fix your point of view. Zack is an important person to Cloud. And Aerith connects Zack with Cloud. Aerith is dear to Zack thus Cloud cares a lot about her. Losing Aerith from his hand feels the same weight as losing Zack infront of him.

Cloud is Zack's best buddy but his memory of Zack has lost. Cloud too has special bond with Aerith and the memories intact.

Since the memories of Aerith are there inside his mind, that is why he feels guilty as hell about loosing her. If his memories about Zack are still there, especially all those moments where Zack dragged Cloud with him for one whole year, Cloud probably would felt a lot lot lot guiltier even before he meet with Aerith

And that is why in Advent Children, both Zack and Aerith show up. They both are important for Cloud. Ofc while fighting the summon, Aerith gives the final boost to Cloud, cuz well.. Aerith is an ancient and she has some sort of power with the lifestream

Remember when Tifa fell down from the bridge and was in coma for 7 days, it wasnt his fault, but see how this event lead Cloud to suffer from anger problem?

I bet, if Tifa dies too, even if it isnt his fault and not infrnt of his eyes, Cloud will never be able to recover from her lost. He’ll probably become a breathing functionless pineapple for the rest of his life.

Cloud hardly loves people but once he does, he gives too much love for them, to the point he scares to loose them and too afraid to be happy

A hero with tragic adult life

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vivipuppy · 3 years

Text

continued ask-

Moroshena, the human rouge Mom who ran away after something horrible happened to her kids. Questions about her, and how she’s doing now that being a maternal figure isnt the only thing she is in life anymore

1) Why did they choose their classes? their subclasses? Well she’s a detective so thats inquisitive rouge right there.

After quitting the guard, she found kids who lived in the street. These kids knew how to get around, to see the world in a way of not just what it is, but “what i can do to help myself survive”, and they taught her the rouggery. When it comes to her multiclassed fighter, it may have something to do with the ancient viking frost giant spirit that shares her soul. Perhaps.

10) How often do they lie? What situations cause them to be dishonest? Oh moro has NO problem lying. If it doesnt hurt anyone, and it works? Lie. Lie lie lie. If it gets results, who cares? She wouldnt do it to anyone, perhaps, she would have to stay in contact with, if the lie is too obvious or tenuous, but any random joe? Whatever! Its not to say she’s like, some weirdly cold view on how important truth is or something. She just doesnt think that it hurts anyone, and her lies dont. She doesnt just say shit to hurt anyone, she says “hey im the police please answer these questions about the murderer i need to find” and shes not the police. She KNOWS how useful lying is- shes a detective, she runs into it all the time!

14) what is something they love about themselves? Giant tits and girldick

22) What is a promise theyve broken? ohh boy here we go. Was it that she loved her ex? Well, no, she did love her just..., maybe not the way they thought love was supposed to be. Keeping in contact with her mother? Well... she cant know, what her life is now. Thats knowing when to leave. Was it keeping the kids safe? Well... that wasnt a promise more than just an assumption... but... yeah. When she lies awake at night, unable to sleep, its because she didnt keep her son safe, and she should have stopped it. That she should have found who did it. But she ran. And shes here now.

30) What do they seek out from others? Company, companionship, distraction. Anything to distract her. There have been really fun moments where she is stressed and wants to relieve it by spending time with Brylin, but Brylin needs to deal with his stress by coming to terms with it alone, causing a bit of a rift between the two during needing time to process things. Thats big for her- she needs to talk, she needs to be around people, if she isnt, then its hard to assert you made the right choice, that you should be here.

34) Which party member do they go to in a crisis?

It sucks, but she does go to the fucking 16 year old child Brylin when she feels bad. Despite her no longer seeing her son in him, she does still.... does the stupid mom thing of offloading your shit onto someone who can really only tell you its alright and will be ok, becaues theyre a fucking child. She doesnt mean this, to her Brylin is just her friend who’s also a child, who she can talk to but also help protect.

42) What three words do they use to describe themselves?

Quick (as in her brain is quick, but also her speed and agility), attractive, and just.

46) What do they deprive themselves of? Moroshena is addicted to many things. She is addicted to alcohol, because it stops her from her mind racing at all times. She is addicted to nicotine, as it helps with the stress. She is addicted to gambling- the sense of losing it all brings a rush of self harm that nothing else can. But most of all she is addicted to her work, to the idea that she is a “detective” that is out here, risking her life to chase the truth, all to ignore how she feels about leaving her life and kids behind because of what happened. She wont think about it. She wont think about her kids anymore, of her ex and the genuinely nice times they had. She cant, shes onto This now. She deprives herself of her own past and thoughts.

58) what do they think their role in the party is? what is their role in actuality?

Moro has been struggling with this a lot lately! See, everyone in the party has amazing magic that can outclass her in every way. And the truth is, outside of the world, and purely in gameplay- she is the worst character in any situation. Everyone has stats better than her in everything she thinks she should be doing (despite 2 we’ll get to that) Brylin is protecting everyone, despite her wanting that to be her protecting him

Neith and Delilah has special magic that she can never do

Aylia can get what she wants from people, by force or by (forceful) charm.

And in combat? What, she’s been doing the same amount of damage since day one? To pick up for all this slack she Has to be smart, she Has to do Everything. To her, she is completley useless and everyone else is FAR better at anything she tries to do

This is of course completely false and despite me not being super comfortable saying anything about a leader positon if moro died i do not know how the party would function. It obviously would, but she has become a backbone to the party, genuinely understanding the group both in what they can do and emotionally, better than they know how to work without her. She is daring, and very clever. She is able to see through lies and peice things together than anyone else (her insight and investigation stats are sooo high) and if i just kept dealing damage, her dps can outclass even aylia’s at times. Her speed too, as well as the sharpshooter feat means she can do anything always, very good at hitting things.

#moro #didnt even get into belfrytt stuff lol

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punkscowardschampions · 3 years

Text

Ronnie & Joe

Ronnie: [a phone number]

Ronnie: found you your own special plug

Joe: Can’t wait to get gang-raped by whoever this is

Joe: or maybe it’s a phishing scam, what route have you gone down 🤔

Ronnie: route of she can be your number 8 cos youre such a bike

Joe: it’s that kind of hook-up

Ronnie: pay for the gear if you cant get it up soft lad she looks fuck all like your ma

Ronnie: couldnt track down no more of her bastards for you soz

Joe: taking your role that seriously?

Joe: alright

Ronnie: getting out of it

Ronnie: she can babysit you

Joe: she probably lost custody of her own so

Joe: nice of you on all fronts

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: what, your dealer don’t like me or something

Ronnie: how the fuck would i know like

Ronnie: and how would he you legged it out of there soon as he showed

Joe: no shit I did

Ronnie: ordeals over now baby go cry to your new mammy about it

Joe: unlikely

Joe: but it ain’t my ordeal so

Ronnie: they ll swab & treat him he ll be sound

Joe: give a shit about him

Ronnie: if youve got something to say

Joe: I just said it

Joe: I don’t care about him

Ronnie: you dont care about me fuck off with your heroics

Joe: you didn’t want swooping up and saving, don’t mean I don’t give a fuck

Ronnie: your student loan aint gonna cover both our habits youd have me dopesick cause youre fucking jealous that means you dont

Joe: you’re jealous

Joe: and I said, didn’t stop you, didn’t say you had to

Joe: what’s fun about something oozing and itching in your pants, that’s all

Ronnie: of what

Joe: of every boring ex I have or will ever have

Ronnie: you wish

Ronnie: get em in a room together and they aint even jealous of each other

Joe: I know

Joe: x2

Ronnie: you dont know shit mckenna

Joe: so today I’m green

Joe: not the know-it-all smug college kid

Joe: nice to know how to play it

Ronnie: smug is right whenever i aint gonna suck your dick cause you can read music

Joe: that’s all that’s stopping you?

Ronnie: nah remember its the death wish attention whoring & mommy issues

Ronnie: cant both be functioning junkies youd have fuck all else to get a boner about

Joe: how long have you been doing heroin

Ronnie: youve got loads of catching up to do

Joe: yeah, so I don’t know why you’re acting like I’m being high and mighty

Joe: it’s literally been days

Ronnie: cause you are

Joe: no I’m not, just ‘cos I’d rather not suck dick when I have the funds

Joe: would you do it if you had the cash, that’s just stupid

Ronnie: youve been comparing me to any & every cunt since we met

Joe: like you don’t shit on me any and every chance you get

Joe: you were acting like them, the whole none of my shit is real because yours is SO real, that’s her whole bit

Ronnie: you cant stop fucking doing it even now fucks sake

Ronnie: i shit on you for you its not like i have any cunt to compare you to

Joe: alright, if you’re that sensitive about it

Joe: I’ll really stop

Joe: there 🤐

Ronnie: fuck you

Joe: nah, that was a dick move, alright

Joe: let me make it up to you

Ronnie: youre crying shes a patronising cunt guess what youre right there too

Joe: alright, I deserve that

Ronnie: drop dead

Ronnie: yeah its been days days of me giving you whatever the fuck you ask for

Joe: I know

Joe: so what do you want, seriously

Joe: I’ll do it, make it happen, whatever

Ronnie: like fuck can you make anything happen

Ronnie: youre like every other doss cunt i know theres your comparison

Joe: Probably am

Joe: but you’re the only person I’ve met who feels close to whatever the fuck I am

Joe: there’s the truth

Ronnie: whichever of your exes that worked on is more west than either of us

Joe: Oh I can easily be that dickhead and tell you how crazy they all were

Ronnie: go ed

Joe: the second to last one was the worst

Joe: full-on stalked and harassed the last one like, for no reason

Joe: she also messed with all my shit in a way she thought would send me into an OCD spiral because she didn’t get it

Joe: and when she started hooking up with some other kid she’d send me pics like I’d be 💔

Joe: that’s just after, that was all kind of amusing in a boring way, she was less amusing to be with but more mental

Ronnie: shouldve had some tips off her for the stalking bullshit its probably not too late to send her a dm

Ronnie: ones ive got from this is i dont have to bother learning the alphabet cos id be better off fucking with your record collection by smashing it up & child porn does fuck all for you

Joe: that is my thing, turning up uninvited to fuck everything up

Joe: she might go for it

Joe: exactly, both good to know, yeah 😏

Joe: all pretty basic and vanilla but still, annoying as shit

Ronnie: unless you can get me to do it for you yeah

Ronnie: dinners at what like 7

Joe: you’re gonna ruin my happy uni home?

Joe: oh no

Joe: be there be 7, eating at 8, apparently

Joe: time to ‘mingle’ as she put it which sounds suspicious af

Ronnie: fucking hell

Ronnie: thank christ i already hate you

Joe: saves times, energy less so

Joe: your mate is up for it, unless he’s a convincing liar, which I could see

Ronnie: what energy do you want name it theres gear thatll give us it

Ronnie: he is but i cant see the con shes got fuck all any cunt wants other than pasta shapes & mariahs likely on a diet

Joe: 🤤 and not over her appetizers, like

Joe: there’ll only be the 6 of us so we’ll need entertainment

Ronnie: lad flatmates bringing a bitch

Ronnie: shes gonna need something to get her through it or something she can use to end it

Joe: yeah he has a missus

Joe: even though him and Sophie belong together as the most average whitebread couple ever

Ronnie: make it happen then

Joe: where’s my bow and arrow

Joe: their 💘 ain’t my problem

Ronnie: you said you could do whatever and we needed entertainment

Ronnie: put all that money where your mouth is

Joe: you’re well sweet

Joe: you want her to be living her best life

Joe: dunno if I can hack being his shoulder to cry on in the interim

Ronnie: your teeth wont have time to rot before you choke on em talking to me like that

Joe: go on then

Ronnie: you owe me i dont owe you

Joe: I thought you’d ask for something better

Joe: but your loss

Ronnie: yours youre thinking about it

Joe: I get it, you want it to be hell living here

Ronnie: i dont wanna have to ask

Joe: for what

Ronnie: anything

Joe: why not

Ronnie: you think you can read my mind or some shit

Joe: I’d like to

Joe: and I think you get me, and yeah, I think I get you more than the bullshit mommy issues attention whore comment that was to get a reaction

Joe: I don’t think we’re twin flames just because we share some DNA, I’m not that kind of delusional, believe it or not

Ronnie: cause weve shared a needle though yeah

Joe: I get it, another kid with a habit, you’ve met hundreds

Joe: it is different though

Joe: tell me it isn’t

Ronnie: different cos its a habit you didnt have days ago

Joe: it’s not your fault

Joe: for good or bad

Joe: you didn’t spike me without asking

Ronnie: i didnt say that

Ronnie: i said thats why its different

Joe: yeah

Ronnie: nobody did any of this shit for me i dont know why im doing it for you

Joe: do you want to, or do you think you need to

Ronnie: what the fuck does it matter

Joe: you either fuck with me, you like fucking with me or you think you’ve got to protect me or some bollocks

Ronnie: protect you from the needle i stuck in your arm yeah that makes loads of sense

Joe: from getting a bad dose, being beat up by one of your dealers

Ronnie: i just wanted a front row seat

Ronnie: im not gonna get one when your family finds out

Joe: that’s fine by me

Joe: you reckon they’ll fly me home for an intervention then?

Joe: shouldn’t be surprising how oblivious they are

Ronnie: i dont care what they do to try & fix it youll be at rock bottom by then

Joe: they won’t try, they don’t

Joe: just because I weren’t shooting up doesn’t mean I haven’t been doing plenty other fucked shit for ages without it ever being a conversation

Joe: one of the kids that they took in, is a walking skeleton

Joe: can’t get her to eat, some reason don’t do anything but try to reason with her like she’s reasonable, never mind the rest

Ronnie: no shit they dont i was proof of it before you or her

Ronnie: in the same town with the same name she fucking gave me and still out of sight out of mind

Joe: precisely

Joe: so if you’re hoping fucking me up will get her to come about then you shouldn’t bother, honestly

Joe: save yourself that disappointment

Ronnie: it aint about her paying attention

Joe: good

Ronnie: you wanna know me i only want you to know what it feels like

Joe: then let’s do it

Ronnie: nah i was rem to reckon it was worth shit

Ronnie: it aint

Ronnie: you aint

Ronnie: youre never gonna have your head wrecked how mine is and i cant be arsed to put the time in fucking you up in the selfish special way i need when you keep pure loving it like

Joe: is that not indicative of how I’m already quite fucked enough

Joe: just because it’s not abandonment based

Joe: what normal cunt would love any of this, even contact you again after the first

Ronnie: fuck no

Ronnie: youre living your best life and it makes me wanna hang myself

Joe: Christ, you’re up yourself, aren’t you

Ronnie: &

Joe: you want me to roll my sleeves up again and show you the recent damage?

Ronnie: yeah

Joe: [pics]

Ronnie: [obvs gotta send him some back]

Joe: [a straight up new one like just did it]

Ronnie: [ofc she has to also like this is a competition]

Joe: [hope you started small so you have somewhere to go ‘cos the vibe]

Ronnie: [knowing y’all you didn’t but it won’t stop you and I will be forever on edge]

Joe: [so grim, don’t pass out]

Ronnie: [or end up needing stitches]

Joe: [probably do them yourselves, ick]

Joe: do you fucking get it yet

Ronnie: why do you care

Joe: why do you think

Ronnie: i keep telling you i dont

Joe: braindead sounds ideal

Ronnie: horse girl not about to suffocate you

Joe: she would if I let her, like

Joe: 🍈🍈

Ronnie: wait til theres a chance ill choke on my vomit next time christ

Joe: so lay back and I’ll tell you some more

Ronnie: ok go

Joe: [go on about Sophie in a way I shall not even bother but let us assume it is crude and rude af]

Ronnie: [we’re not into poor Soph but they clearly are]

Joe: [just fuck and get it out the way lads, so rude to everyone else rn]

Ronnie: [honestly, but hopefully at this dinner party because Jamie jealousy will be off the charts]

Joe: [Charlie gon have to keep quiet ‘til you home lmao]

Joe: Any luck?

Ronnie: got no pasta shapes in my system have i

Ronnie: but why the fuck are you not lurking to save me

Joe: you want me to swallow the bile for you then, okay

Joe: the last one looked deep

Ronnie: deep enough if you wanna pussy out and spit instead

Joe: I don’t

Joe: where are you

Ronnie: dorothys

Joe: he in?

Joe: if I have to show him it’s brotherly concern you’ll only die quicker

Ronnie: nosey cunt wouldve stopped me

Joe: Yeah

Joe: I can say sorry if you want or I can just come patch you up and not lie first

Ronnie: i dont need your help

Joe: I know

Joe: purely wanna save you for my own complex and to be loving life even harder

Ronnie: wank off about the sos from the other day thats it i cant top you carrying me out til the bleeding stops

Joe: I’m coming over

Joe: you’ve got time to lock the door if you really don’t want me to come in

Joe: can get my own shattered glass without breaking his windows

Ronnie: he must like you to have given you his address

Ronnie: but not enough to overshare the door dont lock cos i broke it 💔

Joe: or am I better stalker than you give credit

Joe: thanks for the tip, baby

Ronnie: youd have been waiting for me to get here not the other way round

Joe: You do want me to read your mind

Joe: maybe a lobotomy will help

Ronnie: hot

Ronnie: reading your mind you want me to pass out before you fuck me but its not that deep

Joe: the wound or the vIbEzzZ

Ronnie: this your coming out cos you sound like charlie

Joe: just trying to turn you off, don’t want blood to gush out

Ronnie: liar youd be made up to see that

Joe: not hiding in the bushes yet

Joe: slow down

Ronnie: youre used to being the big brother i get it

Joe: Something like that

Ronnie: i know how to ride a bike without stabilisers or whatever the fuck

Joe: and tie your shoes

Joe: it’s alright, we’ve established I’m not a paedo

Joe: what can’t you do then

Ronnie: err what a nonce would say

Ronnie: read music we also fucking established

Joe: you teach me how to shoot myself up, I’ll teach you how to

Ronnie: not a fair swap i dont need to learn how

Joe: You don’t wanna be a babysitter either, so you’ve said

Ronnie: you dont like me any more or what

Joe: Of course I do

Joe: You got me my own dealer first

Ronnie: you asked me to 1st

Joe: How did I?

Ronnie: what else is ? for a plug without giving a fuck if ive rattled myself into a ditch

Joe: If I talked to you as much as I felt like

Joe: You’d tell me to fuck off more than you already do

Joe: I’ve got no clue where the line is, how much you want me to care

Ronnie: what line

Ronnie: i dont want you to care

Joe: Tough shit

Joe: I didn’t ask you to get me a dealer

Ronnie: you fucking did

Joe: I just didn’t wanna see you suck dick on my behalf, alright, that’s all

Joe: what you do for yourself is your business

Ronnie: calm down nothing i do is for you

Joe: 👌

Ronnie: dont call her then

Joe: you on commission?

Ronnie: 🖕

Joe: If I do, you’ll still have to see me

Ronnie: youll see me bleed out on the kitchen floor 1st

Joe: You’re a pro, I know you’re being overly-dramatic

Ronnie: at opening as many veins as itll take to not have to see you again yeah

Joe: to make me hurry*

Joe: I’m on the tube

Joe: you have to live in the middle of nowhere

Ronnie: no fixed address i told you

Joe: ❗️

Joe: if there’s a break-up or a thruple, you can have the extra room

Joe: makes sense now

Ronnie: it dont make sense you reckon we can afford any extras however far out

Joe: like you said, she’ll get homesick and chuck it in even if Marc won’t dump his girlfriend

Ronnie: if she does youll be homeless too like unless his missus is gonna cover the costs of the en suite for you

Joe: you can have my room, it’s the smallest

Joe: they can have the en-suite palace and I’ll take theirs, which is not next to the others 👌

Ronnie: not that youve thought loads about it

Joe: if you heard her disney playlist everyday, you’d think about it as well

Ronnie: id think about killing her or myself not a cosy little bed swap

Ronnie: shed never hack living with me nor would you

Joe: well that thought is never far from the front of my mind

Joe: if you need the bed, you know it’s yours

Ronnie: get it through your head i need fuck all from you

Joe: yeah, yeah

Ronnie: theres this way of living when youre not inside your ma in every possible sense course you aint heard about it

Joe: you need to prove you’re self-sufficient ‘cos no one’s ever given a shit about you but Charlie and the other one

Joe: I’m aware you’ve made it to your old age without me, you’re alright

Ronnie: i need to be it the only proofs im not dead yet baby

Ronnie: you need me to be old cos im not in a fucking coma & you cant get it up else

Joe: I’d rather be in the coma myself but you can be too

Joe: not calling dibs

Ronnie: oldest gets 1st dibs

Joe: *until the youngest cries about it so much you get told to give in to shut ‘em up

Ronnie: try me

Joe: you know you can’t hack my crying

Joe: does your head in SO much

Ronnie: save it for when you need lube or horse girl is gonna be coming after you with the leftover glue so you can never fucking leave her

Joe: come at you with the needle and sew us together, babe

Joe: unlucky

Ronnie: more than unlucky if i cant bust a stitch open to be the dead girl you want

Joe: you’re the dead girl I want already come on

Ronnie: til i teach you how to 💉 yourself

Joe: nah

Ronnie: 💘

Joe: looking well deformed these days, my one

Ronnie: could cut it out know youd be made up for the matching needlework

Joe: you play mad professor I’ll play corpse

Ronnie: long as i dont have to play nice

Joe: know what you take me for, actually, but no

Joe: obviously not

Ronnie: cant take you anywhere even if i did wanna

Joe: god imagine the dent in your street cred, sis

Ronnie: if i could cry i obviously would

Joe: repression or fucked tear ducts from all the 😭 you been doing

Ronnie: what im that baby faced youre taking me for a newborn now

Joe: nah, mr i don’t fuck kids here, remember

Joe: plus kids are always calling 999 by mistake and they’d get there before me

Joe: maybe, depends how many people have stabbed other people today

Ronnie: id have got the numbers up but ive been busy like

Joe: gotta make time for you, babes

Joe: it’s called self-care

Ronnie: ask me what with

Ronnie: shittest stalker ever you are

Joe: go on

Joe: school us

Ronnie: cant cry cos when i was linking you with a plug you dont want i was getting myself linked with your meds

Ronnie: best guess as a better stalker than you & less basic white girl than your crazy ex

Joe: 💡 fairplay

Joe: won’t tell you any other side-affects, see if you can guess ‘em right

Ronnie: i wasnt gonna take em but you want me to get you so bad

Joe: yeah misunderstood white boy is selling less these days

Joe: help a brother out

Ronnie: fuck all has happened so i probably cant

Joe: 💔 oh well

Joe: they’re nothing exciting, even though I managed to get the highest dosage they’ll do

Ronnie: maybe mines off for not giving you the benefit of the doubt when i could continue reckoning youre such a pussy

Joe: you’ll forget by tomorrow, no problem

Ronnie: neither brother is gonna let me if they walk in on me microdosing theyll reckon its a getting well party and get the deccies out

Joe: only so many times you can just kidding that ‘fore it gets old

Joe: we’ll go out, when I get there

Ronnie: where you kidnapping me to baby

Joe: I know enough to know it’s all wrong turns and blindfolds, not giving you a map

Ronnie: if its a&e no cunts finding your body even with a map

Joe: piss off

Ronnie: give us a clue

Joe: I’ll mark it with an X if you do me

Ronnie: if you ever fucking get here

Joe: if we were sewn together this wouldn’t be a problem

Ronnie: wanting to look like twins so nobodyll give a shit that you wanna fuck me would be something youd think about on the tube mckenna

Joe: they run in my old man’s DNA so have to look for those bastards instead

Joe: all I know about hers is addiction

Ronnie: course he does fuck alls your own idea

Ronnie: if hes got a sister even a meff nancy drew like youll be able to find bastards they had together

Joe: loads, Catholic, remember

Joe: twins kid is black though so process of elimination

Ronnie: cute how that runs in your family too like

Joe: guess so

Joe: not like it’s that crazy a concept

Ronnie: not like youve ever met an irish catholic who werent a saint yeah

Joe: it’s a fucked place to live

Joe: really third world in that respect

Ronnie: your real da is who you wanna look for if hes got no bastards going about its cos he cant knock anyone up

Joe: that your all men are pigs stance

Joe: alright courtney calm down

Joe: I’m out now anyway, don’t need a real mum or dad to come rescue us from the priests and that

Ronnie: nah its a fact unless his twin kept going up the backstreet or he was only sticking it in her other 2 holes

Joe: they didn’t really grow up together

Joe: he left when he was 15

Joe: maybe she was a late bloomer, happy days

Ronnie: 💔 your ma wasn’t then i wouldnt be here

Joe: no dig about how you’re dying now anyway ‘cos I’m taking so long?

Joe: you must be fading fast and not just being a dramatic bitch

Joe: good thing I’m in [wherever we ended up locating y’all] now

Ronnie: shut up i said its not that deep

Ronnie: youre the dramatic bitch legging it here for a fucking scratch

Joe: you wanted me to

Ronnie: you want to i dont give a shit

Joe: right, that’s what I meant

Ronnie: you can stop with the gay shit i told you hes not here

Joe: gays don’t own sarcasm

Ronnie: they own getting attached to cunts fast who dont care

Joe: awh, you being replaced rn?

Ronnie: horse girl wishes

Joe: Can’t catch a break or a man that one

Ronnie: after a pity fuck with you who knows what shed catch

Joe: you wanna infect her by-proxy, you’re so blatant

Ronnie: i shouldve got you to bring her my bloods everywhere

Joe: adding her puke to the mix would make it interesting, sure

Joe: bet she knows first aid

Ronnie: if youre too pussy to break my ribs yourself get back on the tube

Joe: threaten me with a good time

Ronnie: i just did

Joe: without meaning it, yeah

Ronnie: try and hurt me i mean it

Joe: [why do y’all always set the tension so high lads lmao, we know but]

Ronnie: [me and my boo here like calm down you can’t hook up yet but they are both like !!!!]

Joe: [shouldn’t have let you get on that train sir but you would so]

Ronnie: [I shouldn’t let her open her mouth ever but here we are]

Joe: [forreal lmao]

Ronnie: [gotta draw an x on him in her blood when he shows up before we can do a more permanent one however we are either as a scar or tattoo so soz for increasing the tension even more lol]

Joe: [just got to stare at her for ages and then shove her away very dramatically ‘cos you can’t, head through to whichever room she was bleeding in to assess/gawp at]

Ronnie: [she’s gotta lol like well if that’s the best you can do at trying to hurt me I’m not worried]

Joe: [‘whaddya use?’ and just going through this flat as if you’ve been here before/were invited by anyone but Ronnie vaguely because manners can’t matter when we’ve gone this far already]

Ronnie: ['what, you didn't

touch yourself enough on the tube?' but we are obvs showing him whatever we did use because it's just another way to flirt and we can use it to make that x happen so]

Joe: [shakes head ‘spill too much and they emergency stop’ and a look like do I look like I wanna be on a psychward but in a 😏 don’t answer that way, doing our own tallies with it, of course]

Ronnie: ['we're walking then' like where are you taking me don't get comfy bitch]

Joe: [little disbelieving lol like excuse me princess ‘your carriage was unavailable’

Ronnie: ['no shit the horse is dead busy']

Joe: [‘I ain’t taking you to a stable’]

Ronnie: ['that's where we ain't going, now tell me where the fuck we are' because we're like an excited kid about this]

Joe: [it’s cute and we clearly think so even if we’re distracting ourselves with this self-harm so we don’t go too far, unrelated but I haven’t thought where yous are going lmao but I’m vibing something London but something she wouldn’t have done, something music related, also if it has like, kid vibes, bonus, I’ll have to look so just keeping tight-lipped to be annoying and surveying the bloody carnage he’s now added to ‘you want to clean up?’]

Ronnie: [it'd be cute if there was something like thinktank but for music instead of science but idk if that exists anyways in answer to that question she's just gonna remove her top or whatever like yeah it do have blood on even though we know that's not what he means because we're still in a flirty mood despite how annoying his non reply is]

Joe: [that’s what I’m vibing but likewise have no idea, I’m sure there is shit though and you could find it Joseph, anyway, truly the this is fine meme about that ‘cos you can’t turn away 😳 but also boy don’t, moving like you’re gonna come close to her though]

Ronnie: [soz Charlie cos she shamelessly threw her top on the floor and isn't gonna clean up any of this blood even on herself like I literally should say she goes to the sink and then to get clean clothes but instead we all know she's just gonna take Joe's jacket or whatever and put that on, thank god he's all about the layers]

Joe: [god bless the grunge

aesthetic, ‘do you do it in front of him?’ and touching the cuts that are still showing ‘cos you know there’s some still, and it is like when and where do you do this when you do not have a room lmao]

Ronnie: ['yeah' leaving it up to him whether he wants to think it's in an attention whore way cos we're still annoyed at that call out lol but realistically it's just because of how long they've known each other and how they be living, she's not actively trying to upset Charlie that much most of the time]

Joe: [‘does he do it?’ ‘cos we can’t imagine it from the little we know but also can’t imagine him just chilling if he isn’t as fucked as them]

Ronnie: [the facial expression equivalent of his amused lol earlier because no]

Joe: [dropping it even though you find this odd like don’t worry boy, the tea is he is getting over it and wanting her to stop, pulling the jacket sleeve to take her out the door like come on]

Ronnie: ['he knows what'll happen if he tries to stop me' cos you can't tell me that when they were younger he didn't do exactly that and she went ballistic but more importantly HOW DARE YOU BOO because that is 1000% a Fraze move and I'm dead]

Joe: [yes I thought it was legit for a parallel, enjoy the long trip back to central guys]

Ronnie: [idk how we are gonna stop you hooking up to fill the time other than the other people in close proximity lol]

Joe: [maybe a uni/work obligation can come in and he has to go like legit ‘cos that’d kill this off]

Ronnie: [personally devastated that means an iou for this cute date but I love how fuming she would be at never finding out where they were going]

Ronnie: [not to mention the not at all casual and public domestic they’d have would be such a fat mood and show she cares when she’s literally like umm what the fuck do you mean you’re leaving]

Joe: [love how blatant we both are individually]

Ronnie: [hard same]

Joe: They sprung that rehearsal on us last minute

Joe: I already said, I’d give you the funds and you could go do whatever

Ronnie: and i told you to go fuck yourself

Ronnie: or your cello

Joe: I wouldn’t have wasted my time let alone yours if I knew that was gonna happen

Joe: how would you go about fucking a cello, exactly

Ronnie: waste more of your own time figuring it out its your raging hard on for it

Joe: I can’t not go

Joe: they make you sign a bloodoath when you get in basically

Joe: no excuses

Ronnie: youd have found an excuse fast enough if id stuck a needle in your arm

Joe: no, I wouldn’t, ‘cos it wasn’t an option

Joe: there was already enough damage to hide

Ronnie: i dont give a shit what options youve got

Joe: right, tell it to the crowd that amassed, they might believe you a tiny bit more than I do

Joe: I’ll make it up to you, okay

Ronnie: thats what soft cunts wanna hear when you cant hide no more & since you reckon you wont be getting forced into treatment you get to keep your gob shut for all that being sorry bullshit

Joe: make it into something it ain’t ‘cos you can’t hack hearing it

Ronnie: i dont wanna hear from you end of

Joe: alright

Joe: see you around then

Ronnie: 🖕

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transrightsjimin · 4 years

Text

i just hate how im doing nothing exciting for most of my life now like... yeah i used to go to concerts a few times a year i guess but i cant do that now but i sure am not doing anything else thats fun or productive or challenging either :( im not rly drawing, barely make any posts w photos i made, didnt watch any content i couldve gotten from weverse membership despite it costing so much, i dont look for jobs regularly, i dont call back to health organizations or just weeks late, i deactivated my etsy and idk if ill ever re-open it again bc it seems like such a hassle nd requires better quality and a greater audience which i cant get as long as i never fucking draw nor post shit, i still havent watched mots on:e, i gave up on trying to learn basic words w duolingo months ago, my room is such a fucking mess soon after having cleaned it and it just feels so futile to keep cleaning when i have no energy for it, im still nowhere w the improvement of my sleeping schedule i was meant to make, i often dont feel much excitement abt music as i would love to or feel expected to when someone asks me abt a cb, i rly struggle w showering regularly despite being on the verge of turning sick bc my back nd neck r so cold from dried up sweat after working, nd im just frustrated bc i feel like drawing, dancing etc, just creative stuff tht can be a stress-reliever seem only possible once i finally have a more structured daily life and dont need to worry this fucking much abt an income or when i might have a bit more energy / focus / better executive functioning which is like never to me rn. i miss talking to my friends nd i want to watch stuff together online but friends r burdened too w their own struggles or have no time / our schedules dont align well at all and have shitty internet nd i do watch bts stuff and kpop videos in general w my best friend but he doesnt rly emote much to / nags on things he doesnt care for that much bc autism, nd i shouldnt complain abt this either bc im the same, nd i shouldnt force him to watch stuff w me either :(( i just wish i could watch this stuff w a friend who's more interested but still doesnt have like super intense energy or smth. i did use to meet up w a friend who lives in this city but i havent spoken to her in a while bc she eventually just stopped responding to tweets i sent her in DMs and idk why shes not responding bc she always says shes lonely but then ignores my messages since a few months, like initially bc she said she didnt like the idea of meeting up w friends even at a distance, which i get i guess, but then i saw she did go on trips nd whatnot w her friends but i guess those are herhousemates. god urgh i sound so bitter but i just feel so stuck on every aspect nd no its not bc of the fucking pandemic bc ive been in this boring place for most of my life nd the only person who can get me out is myself, if only i TRIED more to do something unknown even if it scares me or TRY to contact someone immediately before i forget or TRY to force myself to think abt other stuff than my special interests too bc i cant get any fucking shit done as long as im not incorporating these tasks into my everyday life.

#rambles #im just so fucking pissed at myself nd i get so ugly jealous of people who have such ease getting stuff done #or even worse - do have executive dysfunction issues nd still get so much work done (e.g. yoongi!!) nd i compare myself #nd go well this is propf that its my fault nd i wont get better nd my whole life feels wasted away not doing anything i love

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violasmirabiles · 4 years

Text

this days going fuckin GREAT

havent slept ONE FUCKING SECOND

went like that to my (apparently last) appointment with the psych nurse

(apparently last cos i was referred to the More Specialized Mental Health Care Place Thing)

somehow managed to be honest

like she asked how i was doing this fine morning, seeing me lounging on my couch with my huge pink floyd the wall coffee mug

and im halfway into saying yeah im doing great! :)

but then catch myself cos what the fuck

i didnt sleep at all last night

didnt sleep between friday and saturday either and im not 100% sure what day it is cos everythings blending into everything

her face just. falls

at this point im crying

ive spent the entire last hour crying

while simultaneously Making Jokes about what a fucking train wreck i am cos cant make anyone think im not funny haha

shes not laughing

ive got deadlines piling up and no idea what to do about ANYTHING and that causes stress and that makes me Not Sleep

havent taken my sleeping pills either cos after a sleepless night i dont feel like i Deserve to take one cos Obviously i should be too tired to need them

i say and stay up till 2am because what the fuck

she says shes more worried about me getting enough sleep than of me taking sleeping pills every night

shes got a point

my brains not fucking taking it

she gets to witness a me vs. my hell brain fight in real time

her face just. makes me cry harder

im so tired

and not even the sleepy way

she basically tells me to get my shit together re: the entire sleeping business and not worry about ANy classes Any deadlines ANything but that cos how the hell am i supposed to be able to anything if i dont have enough energy cos i dont fucking sleep

again shes got a point

and my brains not fucking having it

she gets to witness some more rational brain vs. mental illness brain fighting

im 10000% sure my sleep problems are going nowhere and im Failing Everyone and especially her if i dont get it 100% under control by october 15 (our apparently Final Appointment before the other place takes charge)

i fucking hate myself????

this is SLEEP were talking about

i should be able to fucking sleep

what the Fuck

she tells me to stop thinking about everything i “should be doing” for a bit and just. see how far ive become

like damn i have a degree im fighting with the social service system and am as of now on top of That shit

and i have depression

i possibly have adhd

and kela is an obvious fucking trigger to me

which once again is embarrassing as hell to me lol would love to be able to check shit without getting a massive anxiety attack

but like. the thought of not completing every single one of the classes in my (already adjusted because of This Fuck Shit) study plan makes me want to [big redacted]

so i cant. do anything how can i fucking sleep when im supposed to Do Shit and i cant and ????? this thought makes as much sense to me as it does to you

also im not sure how much of this my flatmate heard

so im embarrassed to come out of my room now

its embarrassing enough to hear them wake up and move about and realize that oh yeah its fuckin 7:30 in the morning its the normal functional people wake up time

i dont know

fuck

at least i still have a few hours before my only class of the day

during which time i should do Everything but i cant focus on shit im anxious as hell and feel drunk in the worst possible fucking way

so naturally i hate myself cos who the fuck else am i supposed to blame for this

anyway hope yall r having a Fabulous tuesday

#kela ei tue mulle enää terapiaa ja kaikki on mennyt päin vittua blues

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kendrixtermina · 4 years

Text

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

#enneagram #enneagram type 5 #feelings #enneagram 5w4 #5w4

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littlebabycrybtch · 4 years

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im sorry but sometimes it is so see through that you fake and corrupt ‘pro recovery’ people are literally just so frustrated and annoyed with nd people and thats all your mindset revolves around. like you’ll throw one or two fucking random self care tips at us and we’ll rightfully say ‘that doesnt work for me’ and yall instantly go on these absolutely unnecessary and brutal TANGENTS you were saving up abt how we’re ‘’’’wallowing’’’’ and that therapy takes ~Actual Effort~ so if ur special universal tips arent working for us we’re ‘’’being difficult’’’ and ‘’’’lazy’’’’ and ‘’’’hurting ourselves’’’’’ like. idk man sure i am sorry i cant ‘take a shower to feel better’ bc my symptoms make the task more stressful actually and take away from my other more necessary tasks, im sorry i forget to take my vitamins and drink enough water bc i just dont feel a difference anymore, im sorry i rely on medication instead of therapy bc therapists also teach me things that dont seem to work, except im trying, which means no matter how hard i might seem to be failing, i am ‘pro recovery’. idc how the fuck it Looks to you personally, i deserve your support. and i shouldnt Feel the Need to apologize to a stranger who claims to be my ally for experiencing mental illness symptoms and not being able to immediately correct them ! if i could do that i wouldnt be mentally ill !! i especially should not be made to feel ashamed to even Talk about my struggles just bc i know yall will try to put a bandaid on it and then guilt me when i say it didnt work. smfh like. ur children. sometimes things just have deeper rooted problems and u dont have to take it personally that you specifically cannot cure me.

ik it blows ur fucking goddamn mind but yes actually some people just Do really struggle to shower, to drink water, to take their meds, as in it takes actual personal efforts for them it wouldnt take for you and they have to work harder than you to accomplish them, and there are in fact some things nd people personally Cannot do and will Never be able to do without going backwards and sacrificing their happiness and quality of life exhausting themselves for an unattainable goal. only they know their limit, and pushing yourself past your limit is unarguably damaging. this ugly ass assumption you cannot be happy enough while still ‘allowing yourself’ to experience some symptoms... the idea that its just laziness and ‘anti recovery’ to openly struggle with what you view as the ‘easy’ or ‘beginning’ steps of recovery... is an inherently ableist and Harmful mindset you are all falling victim to and fucking over this community with. to be perfectly frank you are not ‘pro recovery’ when you demonize and shame people who are not ready for recovery. bc that doesnt do anything to help them recover. its genuinely just your excuse to hate and bash ‘severely’ nd people bc ur uncomfortable with them and wanna claim theyre doing it on purpose so you feel rightfully angry abt it. when you throw tantrums over us Being Mentally Ill and not ALREADY recovered like good boys or w/e all you are is pro nd people conforming to your standard of functioning and shutting the fuck up abt their actual identity and symptoms and experiences until they reach that level when ur comfy listening to them again. you’re pro neurotypical people, or those pretending to be for your comfort. its literally starting to border on an eugenics attitude by claiming the only healthy end goal is to be virtually indistinguishable from a neurotypical and match their functioning as best as possible. not all nd people Can do that, would be Happier doing that rather than accommodating their issues in other ways, and nor should that be the default goal to push on all nd people. also a lot of the shit yall push at us for even nts dont always conform to, so why is it us being made to walk on eggshells? why when i skip a shower am i evil and destructive but nt bob can go a week without one and no one bats an eye or they just joke about it???

lbr recovery doesnt look the same from person to person, you cant apply one broad standard like this, not to mention its not always an uphill battle, which doesnt just mean; ‘oops i relapsed :(((’. it means breakdowns, it means self harm, it means slacking off, failing hygiene, forgetting things, missing things, bad behavior, risky behavior, things that are Going to inconvenience you. and the second you forget that or decide to no longer care about those people, when you decide to have a baseline where you stop respecting or supporting nds for not trying hard enough to be like you, when you Drop them until they meet your standards as if they arent still nd people who need you on a basic level, ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE A FUCKING NEUROTYPICAL WHO DOESNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHERRY PICK AT US LIKE THAT (!), is when you have inverted and ruined your own fucking cause by corrupting it with selfish conformist ableism.

tldr i understand why statements like ‘just go to therapy’ ‘thanks im cured’ would frustrate you, but i also VERY MUCH understand and NEED for you people to TRY and understand why mentally struggling people would be adverse to going to therapy, and not bc they goddamn hate recovery and wanna be sad forever or w/e strawman youve come up with, but bc of their issues which are valid and Can hinder these types of decisions and even affect how much aid these coping skills actually provide, and they dont deserve your fucking Unbridled Malice and Shame over it bc they are not literally trying to be more mentally ill. its simply a symptom and consequence of their already existing mental illness. like i really... cannot fathom the level of disconnect you must be on with nd politics to take that and assume they are truly just rejecting the possibility of happiness for the sake of being unhappy. i truly think if you cant wrap your head around ‘mentally ill people, whos minds are literally experiencing sickness, are not always rational or able to help themselves, or sometimes it only appears that way and they just know better abt it than you do’ you just. arent even an ally. you’re an ableist in activists clothing. people struggling with the concept of recovery arent inherently ‘anti recovery’, yall are honestly just really fucking BAD at how you push for recovery bc most of you dont know shit and are just mean and wanna whine abt nds to be quite blunt with u lol. the whole ‘tough love’ mindset is Bullshit ok it isnt real your love doesnt have to be tough and callous and come with conditions you just wanna be abrasive to validate ur judgement and then excuse it as secretly helpful, just be supportive and 📣 LISTEN 📣 to us or get the fuck out honestly bc u arent helping anyone with what this shit has unfortunately become

#tw ableism///#a little rambly but tldr i love the concept of pro recovery but oh my god if uckgin hate pro recovery people so much u are all so stupid #i keep waiting for you ppl to be less stupid and u never are #like mam are you pro recovery or are you anti visible mental illness. take a sec to ponder ill wait #long post #and for me its like. i dotn trust ppl who feel they have to clarify and say that why cant u just say ur a disability/mental illness ally #why cant you just say you support us. why cant you say you want us to be happy. why do you ahve to put #literally ALL of our value in your eyes on our recovery aka how far we can stray from being nd

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