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#i don't want to hurt anyone with this story
It's actually so important to me how flawed Penelope is you don't get it. She's complex and she's kind and sweet and caring and loving and bitter and manipulative and insecure and she's young and hurt and fucking up and making mistakes and hurting people and loving people and handling things in the worst way possible with the resources she has on hand and she's allowed to.
So often for a fat (and I say that within the context of the show, Pen is a fat/pus sized character within the narrative even if Nicola isn't) character to have any storyline outside of mother or joke they have to be the perfect victim. To be fat is to be victimised by society to some degree, it is to be told you are unloved and unwanted and unworthy without anyone saying those exact words, we all know this even if we don't want to except it. It's why almost every fat character is bullied in some way even if it's passed off as a joke, and they are just expected to take it because to actually acknowledge the pain and hurt and damage that causes is to acknowledge their humanity.
There is no space for complexity when you do not recognise the humanity of a character, there is no room for mistakes or grace or forgiveness in a narrative when the character is presented as lucky to simply be there. This goes doubly so for romance, as rare as it is to even see plus sized girls as a romantic lead, when they are there is no room for mistakes, the standards they are held to are so vastly different because they can't fuck it all up, they have no room to make mistakes when people question why they're even there in the first place.
But not Penelope. She fucks up so many times over, she creates half her own problems trying to fix things or make herself feel better. It dose not shy away from the damage and underlining issues and insecurities the life she has lead has left her with, and it's sympathetic to be sure, but what she dose with it isn't. Because fat people do not have to be the perfect victim and honestly most of the time are not. Because when you tell someone how little they are worth and how out of place and undesirable they are at every turn and expect them to internalise that, especially a young girl with very little power at her immediate despoil, it doesn't always come out in a very nice palatable way. It doesn't always create nice sweet uncomplicated people who cry a little when insulted but otherwise brush it off. It creates people like Penelope, it creates anger and resentment and bitterness and a need for control.
Whistledown is so many things, not all of them negative, but it is the cause of so many problems in her life after she made it as an attempt at a solution. It has caused her to hurt people and betray people and lose some of the very few genuine connections she actually has. She manipulates people and misleads them to keep her secret, because keeping a secret like that will always result in that. Her motives are sympathetic, she rarely dose anything to bad without reasoning, she has all the excuses in the world and still at the end of the day she fucked up. Her and Eloise are the second love story of the season for a reason. She adores that girl so much and she is absolutely miserable without her, as Eloise is without her. They love each other so much and there is so much pain between them now, they're practically crying every time they look at each other. And even tho the situation was complicated an messy and not completely her fault, she did in a way cause it. She's hurt people and she's hurt herself. And I love that.
Because she's a main character. We know her and Eloise will make up even if it isn't the way it was before (arguably a good thing but that's a different post.) Because she's a romantic lead, because we know, even if we don't know how they get there yet, that she will get her happy ending with the man she absolutely adores and who loves her just as much. It will not be easy I don't want it to be easy, Colin has every right to be angry and hurt and betrayed and he deserves to have the space to say whatever it is he's feeling and to have a negative reaction, but he will forgive her. Part of that is just because of who he is and the relationship he has to her (mandatory Colin appreciation moment) but it's also because the narrative has given her room and grace to be flawed.
There is so much to love about Penelope. She's so intelligent, and she's funny, she's a good listener, she makes people feel heard and important, she's kind, she's attentive, she's romantic, she's creative, she's beautiful. She is a victim and people and society do hurt her, but that's not all she is. She's given the space to be more and still be forgiven and loved just like anyone else. Because her actions is what she's apologising for not her existence. She dose not need to earn her place in a love story just because she's fat, it's her actually flaws and mistakes that exist in abundance no matter how sympathetic some of them might be, that she has to make up for. And I adore that and her.
You take away so much of her character and her agency and her complexity when you say she did nothing wrong or that she's the absolute devil. Let her be flawed, let her be someone trying their best and failing at it, let her make mistakes. But give her some grace, for once the narrative is. Her happy ending will come Bridgerton is a romance show, but she'll have to work for it. Colin and her will work for and earn their happy ending together, because they love each other and because of who they are and what they mean to each other they will find a way to make it work, but also because the writers let them and her find it.
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moviecritc · 2 days
Text
june 18th ⋆ oscar piastri smau
pairing: oscar piastri x singer!reader
summary: everyone thinks that your new album is about break up and that you ended your relationship with your boyfriend
warnings: hate comments
a/n: i used midnights by taylor swift, it fits perfectly with the plot <3
english is not my first language, sorry for the mistakes
masterlist | wattpad | letterboxd
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yourusername just posted!
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liked by lilymhe, yourbff and 627,921 others
yourusername life is emotionally abusive... 💎
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user1 IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?
user2 TEASING A NEW ALBUM???
user3 everybody stay calm GEWUIEORLGNFDSKVBGFDSFG
user4 FINALLYYYYY, it's been almost two years we miss singer y/n
user5 wait why isn't oscar in the likes?? 👀
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yourusername just posted!
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liked by yourbff, sabrinacarpenter and 923,531 others
yourusername 'MIDNIGHTS' out June 18th 🌙🥀☁️
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user1 sabrina, billie, girl in red and now y/n WE ARE BEING FED
user2 LET'S GOOO
yourbff ok i'm so excited <33
user3 THE COVER, THE MAN AT THE BAACK
user4 it's giving break up album user1 it HAS to be a break up album user5 the tracklist feels very sad
user6 GUYS WHERE'S OSCAR.
user7 this can't be happening rn
user8 JUNE 18TH COME FASTTT
user9 guys, guys, june 18. 18 backwards is 81, OSCAR'S RACE NUMBER
user10 OH WE'RE GOING TO CRY WITH THIS ALBUM
user11 wait but we saw them together past month, i don't think she could wrote the album so fast
user12 idc IT'S GOING TO BE A BREAK UP ALBUMMM
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yourusername just posted!
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liked by yourbff, landonorris and 941,645 others
yourusername Some pics from the making off of 'midnights' 🌙
ps. when should i drop the first single?
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user1 wait she looks so happy
user2 she's healing from tha oscar guy
user3 DROP IT NOOOOWWW
user4 lando in the likes??
landonorris 😍
user5 ok this is taking a weird path now user6 he has never liked any of the posts on yn in all these years AND NOW HE'S COMMENTING user7 ARIANA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE user8 this wasn't in my 2024 bingo card honestly
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oscarpiastri just posted a story!
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[caption: ready for the weekend]
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user1 tf you think you're to hurt y/n user2 thank god you broke up with y/n, she deserves way better than this user3 not this guy thinking he could pull y/n user4 i hope you don't win any race for what you did to y/n
yourusername just posted!
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yourusername Sometimes all that a girl needs is terrorizing herself for 3:20 minutes. Anti-Hero mv is now yours 🌙🌙🌙
Writing and directing this mv was an amazing experience, huge thanks to all the crew that make this possible.
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user1 SLAY AND SERVED CUNT
user2 MOTHER
user3 it's giving tyler durden and the narrator ngl
user4 THE "EVERYONE WILL BETRAY YOU" SCENE?? OSCAR YOU'RE DEAD
user5 AND THE ORANGE IS ALL OVER THA MV (that is oscar's color team) user6 WHO TF THIS MAN THINK HE IS?? dude hasn't even achieve anything and has the courage to hurt y/n user7 FRR, i love him when he was supportive with her, but now? he better hide himself user8 oscar we're coming from you
user9 wait oscar is back in the likes
user10 he can leave honestly, we don't want him here
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yourusername just posted!
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yourusername I know the album drops in one week, but... here's the Lavender Haze music video. Starring me and @oscarpiastri 💐
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user1 this is probably the most iconic thing anyone has ever done
user2 NOW THIS IS HOW YOU BEAT ALLEGATIONS
oscarpiastri my girl, i'm so proud of you ✨
user4 COUPLE GOALS. COUPLE GOALS COUPLE GOALS user5 oh shut up you were hating on him two days before user3 the fact that LANDO had to interfere bc of all the hate to oscar
user6 i'm so happy for them 💜
landonorris i wasn't aware of that part of you mr piastri
user7 so it's not a break up album
user8 it's literally a love letter 😩😩
lilymhe you guys are the cutest can't wait to the album to drop
yourusername you're so sweet lily 💖 user10 i need them to be friends user11 PLEASE
user9 ugh i'm so lonely
oscarpiastri just posted!
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oscarpiastri happy midnight release day for those who celebrate 💜
tagged yourusername
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yourusername my everything 💜
landonorris booo go get a room
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anonymousewrites · 10 hours
Text
A Not-So-Disastrous Romance (Book 1) Chapter Twenty-Four
Kusuo Saiki x Reader
Chapter Twenty-Four: Celebrations
Summary: (Y/N) meets Saiki's grandfather, and his friends celebrate his birthday.
Mouse Note: Thank you so much for everyone's support on this series, it means the world to me. Don't worry, the story isn't over, we'll return to Saiki and MC soon, but first I'm going to have an AOS! Logos and Pathos book and then a One Hell of a Love book and maybe some other things going on. I hope you guys enjoyed, I was super surprised by the support of this book, but it was so wonderful, and I hope you guys like this end
            (Y/N) walked through the shopping center, humming along to the song playing in their earbuds. They had gotten all the ingredients and supplies to try making macarons, so now all that was left was to go home and make them.
            Should I bring them to school and hand them out to people? thought (Y/N). In that case, I should get some bags to put them in.
            They paused as they passed a sad-looking man sitting dejectedly on a bench. “Excuse me, sir, are you lost?” they asked, stepping forward.
            “Huh?” The grey-haired man looked up. “What do you want?” he said grumpily.
            “I was wondering if I could help you at all,” said (Y/N), still friendly. They were used to people being rougher around the edges—Saiki was like that.
            “I don’t need any help. Leave me alone,” huffed the man.
            In a store nearby, Saiki was struck by a sudden feeling—something was going on with his grandfather. While his mother watched his grandmother try on teenager’s clothing, Saiki slipped out to check on his grandfather. He rounded a corner to look at where Grandpa Saiki had been left to fend for himself. Saiki nearly groaned. (Y/N) was speaking to him. Somehow, his family—weird as they were—kept meeting (Y/N). (Yes, his parents both liked (Y/N), but this was his tsundere grandfather. He couldn’t let (Y/N) get scared off by Grandpa Saiki’s outward rudeness). Saiki needed to intervene before Grandpa Saiki hurt (Y/N)’s feelings.
            “Well, sir, you look lost, and I don’t want to leave you to fend for yourself. Are you positive you’re alright?” asked (Y/N), smiling. “I know Shibuya can be a bit confusing sometimes. I got lost the first few times I visited.”
            Grandpa Saiki stared at (Y/N), still so friendly despite him being rude. “…I’m just waiting for my family. They went in without me.”
            “That’s too bad,” said (Y/N).
            “I fought with my grandson,” admitted Grandpa Saiki.
            Saiki stared in shock. (Y/N) had easily gotten along with Grandpa Saiki. It seemed everyone they met liked (Y/N) (or almost all). Not that Saiki could blame anyone. He liked them for a reason (innumerable reasons, actually).
            “That’s too bad,” said (Y/N), sitting down next to Grandpa Saiki.
            “He’s seventeen years old, and he’s my adorable grandson,” said Grandpa Saiki sadly.
            “You seem to care about him a lot,” said (Y/N).
            “But we fought, and now he doesn’t like me,” said Grandpa Saiki.
            “I’m sure he still cares about you,” said (Y/N) encouragingly. “Families have little quarrels all the time. You just have to make it up to him so that he knows you’re sorry about it all.”
            “But how?” said Grandpa Saiki.
            “A gift is always appreciated,” said (Y/N). “And if you want, I could help you pick something out. Your grandson and I are the same age, so maybe we have similar interests.”
            Saiki watched all of this unfold, dumbfounded. Grandpa Saiki was never so reasonable, and somehow, (Y/N) was handling him like any other person—easily, kindly. Curious, Saiki followed (Y/N) and Grandpa Saiki as they walked into a store.
            “What does your grandson like?” asked (Y/N). “Clothes, accessories, games, sweets?”
            “I’m not sure,” said Grandpa Saiki. “I know that he wears barrettes and glasses with all of his outfits and that he likes when my wife bakes.”
            (Y/N) chuckled. “He sounds like my friend. He really likes sweets and has glasses.”
            You’re so observant and yet so oblivious, thought Saiki fondly.
            (Y/N) led Grandpa Saiki to the grocery aisle of the store to show him the options for sweets. “There are brownies, cupcakes, coffee jellies, candy, all sorts of things. What do you think?”
            “Hm…I’m not sure,” said Grandpa Saiki. “What does your friend like?”
            (Y/N) laughed. “Well, my friend is really unique and has an obsession with coffee jelly. But I don’t know if every teenager has the same tastes as Kusuo.”
            Grandpa Saiki perked up. “Kusuo? As in Kusuo Saiki?”
            “Yeah,” said (Y/N), nodding.
            “That’s my grandson,” said Grandpa Saiki. I met one of my beloved grandson’s friends!
            “Really?” (Y/N) laughed. “What a coincidence! I’m his friend, (Y/N) (L/N).”
            “It’s nice to meet any of my grandson’s friends,” said Grandpa Saiki.
            You’re only saying that because you met (Y/N). They’re the best of my friends, thought Saiki. They’re the one he loved.
            “It’s a pleasure to meet his family,” said (Y/N), bowing politely. They grinned. “And now you know exactly what to get him!” They nodded to the coffee jelly. “Get him some coffee jelly and he’ll forgive you for anything.”
            “Thank you,” said Grandpa Saiki, picking up a package. “You’ve been a great help,” he said as they headed towards the counter to pay.
            “Of course,” said (Y/N). “Tell Kusuo I say, ‘hi!’ ” They bowed. “And, again, it was nice meeting you.” With a final wave, they headed off.
            Saiki watched his grandfather pay for the package and walked out. Somehow, this situation had turned in Saiki’s favor.
            When (Y/N) is involved, everything gets better.
            That night, as he ate his grandfather’s apology, he smiled and thought of (Y/N)’s kindness.
l
            Saiki sighed as he got up to leave class. Everyone had been bothering him today. Even minor characters like Amp and Kusuke had made an appearance. The cameos were off the charts, and Saiki knew that meant trouble, so he wanted to escape.
            Additionally, though, people had been acting strangely around him. His friends (bothers) weren’t hanging around quite as closely as normal and avoiding being around him. Ordinarily, that would be a good thing, but…
            “Hey, pal, let’s go home together. The runt says we should talk about tomorrow,” said Nendou.
            “Wha—?!” Kuboyasu stared at Nendou in alarm.
            “You idiot!” said Kaidou. “What are you doing?! That’s not what we planned.”
            “Huh? But it’s my pal’s—”
            “Shut up! Let’s go,” said Kaidou, dragging Nendou towards the door.
            “Come on, you guys,” said (Y/N), ushering them away. “Bye, Kusuo! See you tomorrow!”
            Saiki sighed. With his telepathy, he knew exactly what was going on, and despite his current respite from their bothersome schemes, it was just going to come around and become an even bigger problem for him in the long run.
Yare yare.
l
            “Nendou made me nervous,” said Kaidou as he looked out the window with the group by his side.
            “He almost ruined our plan,” said Hairo, shaking his head.
            “You almost ruined it, too, Chiyo,” warned Teruhashi.
            “I let my guard down. I’ll be more careful,” said Yumehara.
            “So where’s Nendou?” asked Kuboyasu.
            “I sent him home. With his brain, he can’t keep up with this plan,” said Kaidou.
            “That’s for the best,” said Hairo.
            “We’ve been preparing this for a week,” said Kaidou gravely. “We can’t afford to fail.” He unraveled the plans. The top read “Operation: Surprise Birthday Party for Kusuo Saiki.” “We can’t afford to fail. Now, let’s start the strategy meeting…for Operation Surprise Saiki, which is taking place tomorrow!”
            (Y/N) shook their head and chuckled. They had tried to intercede, but at this point, they were going to let the plan go through. They’re all put too much work into it.
            “Tomorrow, after school, Aren and I will lure Saiki to the location of the party, which is my house,” said Kaidou. “We won’t talk about his birthday at all. When we get to my house, I’ll go get something to drink, Aren will take him to the room. When the time seems right, Aren will set off a cracker. That’ll be the signal to say, ‘Happy Birthday!’ Then, I’ll bring out the birthday cake, and the surprise will be a big success. I wonder what the look on his face will be…”
            Poor Kusuo. (Y/N) smiled to themself. Hopefully he’ll remember they all have good intentions. I mean, even if his birthday is actually in August…
            Outside the door, Saiki sighed as everyone went on and on about their excitement and the gifts they prepared. At this point, he couldn’t tell them they had the wrong day. Not when Kaidou read aloud his proclamation of friendship. Not when (Y/N) was involved and so happy (even if he did wonder why they hadn’t corrected everyone about his birthday).
            A little smile appeared on Saiki’s face. Yare yare. So troublesome, and yet he was willing to put up with them. For some reason, anyway.
l
            “Saiki went home?!” cried Kaidou.
            “Yeah,” said Kuboyasu grimly.
            “I warned you, he likes to leave school as soon as possible,” chuckled (Y/N).
            “What do we need to do now?” said Kaidou.
            “Do we put a stop to it?” wondered Kuboyasu.
            “Not after all this time. Time for plan beta!” said Kaidou.
            “We have a plan beta?” wondered (Y/N).
            Sure enough, the entire group—Yumehara, Mera, Kaidou, Kuboyasu, (Y/N), Hairo, and Teruhashi—was soon crouching around the corner from Saiki’s house.
            “I’ll explain again,” said Kaidou. “First, we ring Saiki’s doorbell. When he comes out, we all pull the crackers. The Emotional Saiki Plan.”
            “What if someone else answers?” asked Kuboyasu.
            “We will explain it and make them let us in,” said Kaidou. “Let’s go!”
            The group headed towards the door and rang the doorbell. (Y/N) smiled and shook their head. Whoever opened the door, they knew Saiki had a trick up his sleeve. Going along with something so steeped in emotions was not Saiki’s way.
            The door swung open, and Saiki stood there.
            “Surprise!” called everyone, cracking the crackers.
            Saiki’s eyes widened in surprise, and he smiled. “What? What is this?”
            “Today’s your birthday, right?” said Teruhashi brightly.
            “Yes, but…”
            Aha. (Y/N) giggled behind their hand. That wasn’t Saiki. It was Mr. Saiki since today was his birthday.
            “We came to celebrate your birthday!” said Hairo.
            “Wow, really?!” said Mr. Saiki, beaming from Saiki’s face. It was odd to see it, but (Y/N) at least could see through it. “You know my birthday?”
            “Of course, Saiki,” said Kaidou.
            “ ‘Saiki?’ ” repeated Mr. Saiki, still happy.
            “Hey, pal!” Nendou walked up. “I heard it’s your birthday!” He held up a watermelon.
            “Nendou, you came, too?” said Mr. Saiki.
            “He managed it,” said Kaidou, nodding.
            “Come on in, all of you,” said Mr. Saiki.
            “Thanks, Saiki!” said Yumehara, heading it.
            Wow, no one has noticed how differently “Kusuo” is acting, thought (Y/N).
            “You seem to be enjoying yourself, (Y/N),” said Teruhashi curiously. “You keep smiling and laughing.”
            “I’m just having a really good time,” chuckled (Y/N).
            It’s still going? thought Saiki. He had thought this would end quickly.
            “Thank you all so much,” said Mr. Saiki. “I would never have expected Kusuo’s friends to celebrate my birthday. I’m deeply moved.”
            (Y/N) coughed at the mention of “Kusuo’s friends,” but luckily, no one seemed to notice.
            “You’re our friend,” said Mera.
            “Happy birthday,” said Hairo.
            “Yes, Saiki!” said Kaidou. “By the way, Saiki, are your parents here?”
            “My parents don’t live with us,” said Mr. Saiki.
            “Whoa, really?” said Hairo.
            “My mother lives in the family home, and my father is no longer with us,” said Mr. Saiki.
            He’s walking right into trouble with that one, thought (Y/N). They decided to step in. “Oh, yeah, he’s traveling for work right now.”
            I’m glad someone has worked it out and is helping.
            “What? No, he’s—”
            “Come upstairs,” said Saiki directly to his father’s mind.
            “Huh? Is that Kusuo?” wondered Mr. Saiki.
            “Kusuo?” repeated Kuboyasu.
            “I need to head upstairs for a moment,” said Mr. Saiki awkwardly, leaving the room.
            Alright, I’ll hold down the fort. I wonder what Saiki’ll do now. Have his dad continue the party or end it or…actually come down himself? (Y/N) hoped he would. Even if it wasn’t his birthday, they wanted to spend some time with him and give him the present. All of his friends did.
            Upstairs, Saiki explained the situation to his father, who nodded.
            “Oh, I see. That’s what I thought. I thought it was strange,” said Mr. Saiki.
            “You were totally into it,” said Saiki.
            “The surprise is over, so you want to switch places?” said Mr. Saiki.
            “No. Keep going,” said Saiki, giving a thumbs up.
            “You want me to keep going?!” exclaimed Mr. Saiki.
            “It’s not my birthday. I can’t pretend it is,” said Saiki, pushing his father back down the stairs.
            “I’m not you, Kusuo. I can’t pretend that I am. I think (L/N) already figured it out,” said Mr. Saiki.
            “They did. They’re observant. But they won’t say anything,” said Saiki. “I’m counting on you.” I can’t respond to their kindness.
            Pretend to be Kusuo, thought Mr. Saiki, standing before the door. He opened it. “Yare yare. Sorry for the wait. Yare yare.”
            I don’t say yare yare that much.
            “We’re sorry for interrupting your birthday while your father is away,” said Kaidou.
            “Oh, it’s fine. He’s coming back today,” said Mr. Saiki quickly.
            He’s really not like Kusuo at all, thought (Y/N).
            “And why’d you used the term ‘not with us?’ ” said Kuboyasu. “That sounds like he’s dead.”
            “You shouldn’t talk about your dad that way,” said Hairo, shaking his head.
            “M-My apologies,” said Mr. Saiki.
            “Well, anyway,” said Teruhashi, trying to break in.
            “Look, we finished the cake!” said Yumehara brightly, holding up the box.
            “It turned out great,” said Teruhashi.
            “Especially the face,” agreed Yumehara.
            They took the cake out and put it on the table. It was all smooshed and melted.
            “Oh, no,” the girls said, deflating.
            Oh dear, thought (Y/N) sympathetically. It’s so hard to shape cakes and keep them looking good.
            They should have gotten (Y/N) to help them.
            “It got smashed in the transit,” said Teruhashi in disappointment.
            “But you made it with lots of love, so that’s what matters,” said (Y/N).
            “What?! Love?! No, no! It’s just friendship! A friendship birthday cake! Besides, Chiyo made it with me! We put a ton of work in together!” rambled Teruhashi in a panic.
            “We’ll make another,” said Yumehara, looking at Mr. Saiki. “I swear, it looked perfect!”
            There’s no choice.
            “Wow, look! The cake is reforming!” said Hairo, staring at the cake.
            “The sponge cake is rebounding,” said Kuboyasu.
            Thank you, Kusuo, thought (Y/N). They knew he’d save his friends’ feelings after they worked so hard for him even if misguided).
            “Wow, this is amazing,” said Mr. Saiki, looking at the Saiki-shaped cake. “It looks delicious.”
            That is something Kusuo would say, thought (Y/N), grinning.
            “Just wait, you’ll really be moved!” said Mera.
            “We have a surprise for you,” said Kuboyasu. “A video letter—”
            Mera held up the camera, and Nendou’s face hit it. It fell to the ground, broken.
            “Oh,” said (Y/N), disappointed since Mera and Kuboyasu had worked hard on it.
            “Oh, no, that’s no good,” said Mr. Saiki.
            “Sorry, Saiki.” Kuboyasu took off his glasses. “Go on. Hit me. Everyone, hit me.”
            “Kuboyasu, there’s really no need for that,” said (Y/N) quickly. “It was an accident.”
            Yare yare.
            “Hey, look! It’s working,” said Kaidou, staring at the TV screen as it displayed the video letter.
            “It’s fixed,” said Hairo in happy amazement.
            “Alright!” said Kaidou. “Raise a glass and let’s start the feast.”
            “Cheers!” Everyone lifted their glasses.
            The party was in full swing. (Y/N) hung back since they felt awkward interacting with their crush’s father in such a context (also, they were disappointed Saiki himself wasn’t there), but everyone was having a great time. Some people armed wrestled, they joked, they laughed, and they bonded with one another—already a tight-knit friend group getting closer.
            Upstairs, Saiki sat and psychically monitored the party so that his dad didn’t screw anything up for his reputation or give away his psychic abilities.
            “Oh, there you are,” said Mr. Saiki, popping his face upstairs. “Your dad’s a star!”
            “Good for you.”
            “Well, you want to switch soon?” said Mr. Saiki.
            “No thanks. Hurry back now,” said Saiki. “I would only be a buzzkill.”
            “So what?”
            Saiki looked up at his dad in slight surprise.
            “Go on, Kusuo,” said Mr. Saiki. “You must feel some gratitude toward them. You didn’t want to hurt their feelings, so you asked me to cover for you. But that’s not right. They all came here for you, Kusuo. Even if you do hurt their feelings, you should go to them.” He turned and walked away.
            Saiki paused and watched him go. “Who are you to lecture me?” He stood.
            “I’m your father!” exclaimed Mr. Saiki.
            Saiki glanced at the stairs and walked down. He paused outside of the living room. Now, how do I get rid of them?
            “That was a huge success,” said Kaidou.
            “Saiki seemed really happy about everything,” agreed Teruhashi.
            “(Y/N), you didn’t give him his present,” said Yumehara.
            “I’ll give it to him later,” said (Y/N), smiling.
            “He seemed very energetic. He must have really liked all of this,” said Hairo.
            “Yes, but something didn’t seem quite right,” said Nendou.
            “That’s true. It’s like the walls around him are stronger than ever,” said Kaidou.
            “Maybe he was trying to hard to go along with us,” said Kuboyasu.
            “Oh, no, that’s terrible,” said Yumehara.
            “He should just be himself,” said Hairo.
            (Y/N) nodded. “We accept him how he is.” For who he really is.
            Yare yare. You’re the ones who are acting strange. Saiki opened the door.
            “Hey, pal, what took you so long?” Nendou grinned at him.
            “Saiki!” The group beamed at him.
            “Yare yare.” Saiki shook his head and sat down.
            He watched as everyone eagerly chatted and joked, leaving him a little more alone—not wanting him to “put up his walls again.”
            “Do you want a piece of cake?” said (Y/N), sitting down beside him and lifting a plate.
            “Yes,” said Saiki, instantly taking it and taking a bite.
            (Y/N) leaned in, smiled, and whispered, “Welcome to the party, Kusuo.”
            Saiki looked at them and nodded. Ah, well. He could avoid them all tomorrow. He supposed this wasn’t terrible.
l
            “Why didn’t you tell them it wasn’t my birthday?” asked Saiki. He floated the plates he was cleaning to (Y/N), who set them in the drying rack. “You know when my birthday is.” It wasn’t accusatory, just a plain question.
            “They made the whole plan before they even told me,” said (Y/N), shrugging. “At that point they’d put so much work into it that I couldn’t help but let it keep going.” They chuckled and nudged him. “Besides, that’s the exact same reason you let it go on.”
            “No, I just couldn’t convince them not to,” said Saiki.
            “Uh-huh,” said (Y/N), rolling their eyes with a laugh. “You know I see through you by now.”
            “See through me?”
            “Yep,” chirped (Y/N), grinning.
            Saiki looked at them, nearly asked them a question, and then stopped.
            “Oh, Kusuo, before I forget, I got you a gift,” said (Y/N), heading back into the living room.
            Saiki followed. “But it isn’t my birthday.”
            “I decided I might as well get into the spirit of things,” said (Y/N) brightly. They held up the present. “Tada! Open it up.”
            Saiki curiously opened the box and found a book(?) inside. He glanced up. This wasn’t a sweet or something themed on a sweet like (Y/N)’s usual gifts.
            “Look inside,” said (Y/N), grinning.
            Saiki lifted the album out and opened it. He stared. It was a photo. Of Café Mami. He turned the page. Now there was a photo of the sports festival, him running his race. Christmas with his friends. The beach. Okinawa. Karoake. London. Him having…fun. His friends with him. People celebrating, smiling.
            “I know you’re not big on being with people, but I know I really loved—liked having these moments with you,” said (Y/N). They smiled sheepishly. “So I guess this was partly a gift for me, but I, uh, I hope you can see these moments as fondly as I do.”
            Saiki looked between the photos and (Y/N). No. He wasn’t an extrovert. He didn’t seek others out. He found most incidents bothers. But…
            But.
            But in every one of these memories, there was something Saiki did like. Yes, he was…fond of his friends. This was the only moment he’d admit that. However, more importantly to Saiki, (Y/N) was in every one of those memories. They didn’t feature in any of the photos, but he knew they were behind the camera with a smile on their face. That was the reason Saiki instantly loved the photos. They held (Y/N)’s joy.
            And that was the reason Saiki loved them.
            “I love it, (Y/N),” said Saiki.
            (Y/N) beamed. “I’m glad.”
            “…I love it because you made it,” said Saiki. “You always put so much heart into what you make.”
            (Y/N) blushed. “Thanks, Kusuo.”
            “Even when I’m ungrateful, you’re still so kind,” said Saiki, stepping forward.
            (Y/N) looked at Saiki. “We’ve talked about this before, Kusuo, I don’t care that you’re not into words of affection. That doesn’t matter to me.”
            “It does. It does to me. Because you deserve to know that you’re a good friend and that I…I value you.” Saiki swallowed. This was it. “I like you, (Y/N).”
            (Y/N) started as they heard Saiki speak without telepathy. “You—You what?”
            “I like you,” repeated Saiki. “As…as more than a friend.”
            “You do?” A smile spread across (Y/N)’s face. “Really?”
            Saiki nodded jerkily.
            “Oh, Kusuo. I like you, too,” said (Y/N). They let out a joyful laugh. “I really, really like you, Kusuo. I have feelings for you.”
            “I do, too,” said Saiki. “I didn’t phrase it right.”
            “You phrased it just right,” said (Y/N), stepping up and taking Saiki’s hand daringly. They cleared their throat. “Can I-Can I kiss you, Kusuo?”
            Saiki looked at them, and he found that the idea of affection with them was as appealing as ever. He nodded and held their hand tighter.
            Saiki and (Y/N) leaned, hesitant, unsure of themselves, but perfectly comfortable with one another. They were willing to try something new with the person they loved.
            Their lips touched, and Saiki and (Y/N) pulled back for a moment. But the separation lasted for but a second as they leaned back in, kissing once more, more confidently, more eagerly.
            When they finally separated, (Y/N) and Saiki were both pink, and (Y/N) let out a little laugh at the rush of joy. Saiki felt their hand in his and gazed at the beautiful smile he had fallen for. There was only one thing he could say.
            “Oh, wow.”
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sonoyoung · 1 day
Text
— Out of reach
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roommate!dino x gn!reader | fluff + fake relationship + oblivious x oblivious(?) | 4.6k
a/n. long one, i spent a bit on this. I hope it's well received i don't really have anything to say i think it's cute lol, also very obviously obsessed with dino's smile.
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“Please guys, you’re just being annoying now” you had invited your friends over for dinner to finally celebrate your new living space, you had been planning it since you had acquired the place. It was a nice spacious apartment in the city centre perfect for your busy life mainly centred in the area so you weren’t too bothered by the fact that you would have to share the space with a roommate – it was more than enough for two people. However, a warning on the gender of said neighbour would have saved you a lot of embarrassing moments from your first week.
He was a nice guy, Chan, pretty mindful of your presence and reserved enough so you could live freely. For that same reason you barely ever talked in the 5 months you had been sharing said living space, at first it didn’t bother you since you were occupied with settling in but recently it’s just felt awkward.
First instance, last week you had just got back from work and ordered takeout slightly more than you would usually, just in case he hadn’t eaten. Your first thought was that it would be the perfect excuse to actually have a genuine conversation. So as soon as you entered and saw him in the kitchen you let him know he was more than welcome to take a box of noodles, what you didn’t expect was that he would thank you, grab him box and retrieve to his room before you could even take a seat.
It felt even more confusing since he’d have no problem talking to you at the end of the day, it would be a short conversation just summarizing your separate days and by the end you’d be ready to go to your respective rooms. As convenient it was that you didn’t need to make conversation constantly just because you bumped into each other in the corridor, a huge part of you actually wanted to know him, you didn’t just want to be neighbours, with anyone else it would have been a different story, but something about Chan just had you interested.
Back to your friends on the living room floor filling the usual quiet space with so much laughter just from the joys of teasing your 21-year-old inexperienced self.
“No seriously, let’s go to the club right now. It’s that easy y/n, you don’t have to stay clueless to the pleasures of life” Joshua stated, getting up on his feet in unison with his words, you just watched him giggle as he struggled to find his balance thanks to the wide range of alcohol they had brought along with them, all very quickly consumed.
“I’m fine, sit down please before you hurt yourself” reaching out your hand for him to hold on to as he found his seat back on the carpet, beside you Wonwoo took the opportunity to pat your head reassuring you that you were not a lost cause.
As much as you wanted to deny it, all their nagging was getting to you, you knew they were all just playing around because you were easy to pick on but you needed to make it stop and you weren’t going to go to the club to get some chlamydia’d dick, a simple white lie should be enough, after all you hadn’t seen each other much in 5 months, a lot can happen in 5 months.
“You guys are actually so funny assuming I’m still the same person I was 5 months ago” your plan was to keep it as vague as possible just enough to get them thinking,
“As if you would have fucked someone without asking for our guidance…” Soonyoung rolled her eyes not buying your attempt and the others followed with agreeing laughs,
“Wait but isn’t her roommate a guy?” Vernon brought up after some thought, you had no plans of dragging Chan into this, but he wouldn’t have to know so it wouldn’t hurt right…?
All their attention was brought on you, and it felt like now or never, you would let them enjoy the lie for a week or two before breaking the news, just enough time for you to catch a breath and he would not have to deal with any of it, it was too perfect to let it go.
“You’re so nosy, please stop with the questions.”
“Shut the fuck up, you’re fucking your roommate?!” Wonwoo exclaimed loud enough for it to echo throughout the apartment, thank goodness he was out late today,
“You shut the fuck up, we don’t need the whole apartment complex knowing” technically you didn’t admit to it they just assumed you were being serious, they were easier to trick than you thought judging from their shocked faces staring at you.
“I thought we were besties how could you not tell me? You should have facetimed me while it was happening! What the actual fuck?” Soonyoung whined shaking you aggressively as if it would change the fact, just as you were about to justify yourself you were interrupted by a familiar face walking into the room. Your first instinct was to turn to your friends hoping they wouldn’t start their greetings with “How was it?”.
“Oh Chan! I thought you were coming in late, sorry about the mess” you smile at him warmly hoping he’ll leave to his room as he usually does, he greets everyone with a small wave and slight bow before bringing his attention to you,
“Yeah, I did it’s 2am y/n” you’re almost taken aback by the small laugh that escapes his lips, it’s not the first time you’ve seen or heard him laugh but something about it being directed at you hits you in a completely different way you almost forget to answer.
“Oh sorry, we’ll wrap up soon I wasn’t paying attention to the time.”
“Take your time I don’t mind, it’s our place after all” the way he said those words combined with the way he was looking at you and maybe the amount of alcohol in your system convinced you he heard everything earlier or that was ready to make it reality. He left the room after that without forgetting a sweet goodnight to everyone in the room his eyes never leaving for longer than a microsecond you in the process.
The scene had the perfect effect on your group, each apologizing for ever doubting you, however it left you questioning every exchange you ever had with him and how you never realized how everything about him was so alluring, you had to kick the kids out.
“I can’t believe you’re kicking us out for dick y/n, you have changed” Joshua shook his head as you stood between the door seeing them out after ordering them an Uber home, you patted his head gently before waving goodbye and closing the door shut, taking a minute to lean on it before heading back to the living room.
Just as you step in your roommate steps out, he looks at the empty room and then at you,
“You really didn’t have to send them out” he sighs in disbelief making his way to the kitchen, you hadn’t thought about how you’d approach the subject, so you just settled on lurking till he brought it up himself,
“They were getting on my nerves” there it was again, a soft chuckle from his direction making you look up at him instinctively just to get a glimpse of his smile – what is going on with you?
You ended up staying there a while with him, maybe it was the fact that you were both slightly intoxicated but neither of you felt an urge to leave the room, you talked, laughed and by the time the sun was rising you had forgotten why you chose to stay instead of sleeping after your company had left. After months of stagnant conversations, you finally had a real one, about your friends, your aspirations and now came the sudden fear that this was a one-time thing and after this night you would just go back to where you were,
“So… absolutely of topic but I need you to act like my boyfriend to those guys for… a week maybe?” seeing him laugh makes you realize you could have probably used a different approach to bring it up but at least it is out there.
“I was actually waiting for you to bring it up, your friend yelling really got me curious” you couldn’t help hiding your face in your hands, he knew this whole time. It somehow felt more embarrassing than randomly begging him to act like your boyfriend, you could tell he was smiling clearly amused by the situation, you could hear his footsteps approach you on the couch, his hands uncovering your hidden frown face to face with his caring smile,
“I’ll help you that’s not a problem, don’t worry” your frown changes into a soft pout showing your gratitude, he lets out a scoff unable to hide his smile “…you’re cute”.
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The whole situation had you confused and hearing those from him didn’t help your case nor did the fact that he was so close to you that you could so easily lean into his… maybe you needed to rethink this, if you were to fake a relationship with your roommate you could fall for him and if you did fall for him it would be one sided 9 times out of 10 considering he’s only doing this to help you.
You laugh off the remark leaning back into your seat as far away as it would be considered a conversation between two new acquaintances, he watched as you did so, apparently everything you did he found humour in, trying to keep a straight face.
“That’s really nice of you Chan, I’ll probably just tell them the truth by tomorrow though” he nods understandingly, a part of you just wants to take the chance to see where this would go but it’s overruled by your mature mindset reminding you there would be no escape if you do.
The mood might have shifted or maybe it’s just the fact that it’s morning and neither of you slept, you watch as he shuffles in his pocket for his phone letting out a loud sigh as soon as it flashes on and there he goes, back on his feet on his way to his room,
“The offer still stands if you change your mind let me know, I’ll gladly do it” the emphasis on gladly made your head spin, “Try get some rest okay? I’ll see you later.”
A couple days would pass, and the solution would become clearer, you tried multiple times to reveal to your friends it was a joke and you had nothing going on with your roommate but somehow your denying only reenforced their suspicions. Your conclusion was to ignore them and hope that with time they’d come through, but their stubbornness was stronger than your patience and so the operation begun, you needed to plan everything out leading up to your inevitable breakup and you had Chan to help through the rollercoaster.
“5 months? I feel like we can get through this in 1” you read his conditions for the arrangement shocked by the absurdity of it all, but the time frame is the most shocking, there’s no way you’re surviving 5 months of fake boyfriend Chan.
“It’s all about the impact” you look at him in disbelief confused as to what that even meant, he just tells you to trust him and you just shrug it off just wanting to get through this. Just like that you were dating your roommate Lee Chan with a long list of conditions signed in a contract.
There are many ways this could have gone, you could act like you were dearly in love with each other when you were around your friends, you could even just share little looks or touches just enough to convince whoever was around that there was at least some affection, but you somehow found a way to be the most awkward pair of people, forget being in a relationship, it was up for debate if you even knew each other.
When Soonyoung first asked you to come along with him and Vernon for the exhibition they were planning on seeing together you had thought it would be the perfect opportunity to formally introduce Chan to your friends, you wouldn’t have to talk too much about anything unrelated to the exhibition and they could see a bit of your “relationship dynamic” but you should have known better since it was coming from Soonyoung,
“You guys are so awkward, what the fuck?” he teased as you sat around the lounge, the famous exhibition lasted about 10 mins guiding you into a room where you could eat and drink for free, so he had taken the opportunity to interrogate you on how your lives work at home and so far, you hadn’t come together on a single answer,
Chan turned to you making sure your eyes met before he leaned closer to meet your ear, “Should we make a run for it?” a soft laugh escaped your lips the smile lingering for a second before bringing your lips to his ear, “On three. One, Two, Three...”
“Oh fuck, we forgot the turkey” he leans back, his eyes widening from the sudden realization his fist covering his mouth as he turns to you, you watch his acting skills play out genuinely amused by the sudden scenario.
“Ah yes, the chick- the turkey, we have to hurry. I can’t believe we forgot.” Shaking your head at your clumsiness, getting up on your feet from the comfortable lounge seats. You let him slide his hand in yours, almost getting used to the quickening of your heart after experiencing it 6 times in the evening.
You take a final look at your friends at the table who are clearly confused by the situation, giving them a sorry smile before turning away to let Chan lead you out the restaurant, you can almost hear their “what the fuck was that?” as you walk out the door.
The whole journey back was just you both echoing laughter back and forth, it felt like you were genuinely enjoying each other’s presence so much so that once you got home you wanted it to continue, you wanted to laugh at his funny impressions and admire the look on his face when he watched you laugh, just for that look you wanted to only laugh for him.
“No seriously you’re so good at acting, I was struggling keeping up” his face brightens up as he watches you dump yourself on the couch, adoring the way your words slur together from the little alcohol you had drank earlier,
“You do know I’m an actor, right?” you prop up from the couch looking at him in utter shock as he grabbed drinks from the fridge, seeing your expression he let out a loud laugh flashing his teeth for a second before covering his mouth in his elbow.
“It’s mostly part time for now but that’s the goal” you nodded attentively genuinely impressed by his aspirations, he handed you a drink sitting beside you, and though he felt close it was a proximity you liked, it didn’t feel forced or rushed it was just right.
You spent the rest of the night delving into your thoughts and passions, the things you loved and hated, your goals and expectations of yourselves seeing how they somehow aligned together, how you had similar mindsets, similar hopes, beliefs it made you feel somewhat confused because of the position you put yourself in, it felt like once you were done with this mini phase of your lives you would move on, and all these similarities would mean nothing.
The alcohol in your system was no help in drowning those thoughts but you tried your best to focus on the present moment and how much you were enjoying your newfound friendship,
“Oh wait, there’s this movie,” you watch him reach over you for the remote noticing the subtle hair growth on his jawline as he inched close, your fingers almost reaching up to feel the skin just as he leaned back into his seat, “have you seen it?”
On the screen you read Boogie Nights then turn to him with a confused smile, the moment he saw your face he sighed with a wide smile, “Listen, not everyone has” you shake your head at his misjudgement,
“And I’m everyone?”
A quick apology and you had moved on, deciding on rewatching the adaptation from the comfort of your couch, it was starting to get hard to differentiate real from fake being in this moment watching a comfort movie with him on the couch, slightly intoxicated, you felt more like a couple that you did a few hours ago when you were meant to be. You let yourself relax into the warm embrace of the couch, shoulders brushing, skin touching but keeping your focus on the movie, easing into it more you rest your head on his shoulder.
It felt so natural you hadn’t even realized his arm around you, his fingertips on your skin tracing circular patterns, you liked his soft touch it wasn’t alarming, even though it was distracting it felt nice. You tried to keep your eyes focused on the screen, watching every scene but registering nothing but the images flashing back and forth, that was until the scene came on.
Sex scenes rarely bothered you, if anything you’d just let it pass or just skip though it but now you were bothered, you had forgot how explicit this film got and you didn’t want to seem like a wuss but the way his touch felt on your skin seemed completely different, now it was intimate paired with the images on the screen. The heat burning up in your face as you kept your eyes on the screen while being so close to him, being so touch starved and inexperienced, it was only driving you crazy.
“I’m so tired…” you yawn getting up as you did, he’s already smiling knowingly almost smirking at you, his arms crossed over his chest legs spread open, the images playing on loop in your head, you needed to leave, “I’m gonna sleep bye, good night, enjoy your movie.”
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Things would slowly evolve in your play couple, and you would start to feel closer to Chan, it was an inevitable consequence of living together and having planned the whole thing together. Chan would be so kind and patient with you but not wanting to get to attached would brush it off as nothing and it was starting to feel like the roles had reversed and you were now the one avoid him finding refuge in your room.
Your feelings were already getting mixed up in the first week of faking it, so now every hand touch, smile, lingering gaze felt like something more and that felt stupid because you put yourself in this spot in the first place so you couldn’t be the one catching feelings. But there was something in the way he cared, even when no one was there, in the way he’d become so talkative when it was just you two in the room, in the way he voiced his thoughts openly to you, making sure you didn’t feel uncomfortable in any way, you weren’t sure but it brought you some sort of warmth, a feeling of security in whatever it was you had going.
“What a lovely surprise” you felt his arm watching it slide around your waist before looking up at him.
“Shit. Sorry. Reflex.” Pulling his hand away almost as soon as your eyes met, you didn’t actually want him to let go but you supposed it made sense, you were in public but no one here on this random street cared about if you were fucking or not, he clears his throat trying to move past the random awkwardness.
“It’s okay, I was just heading home you too?” he nodded with a soft smile, walking by your side through the quiet street, it was a quiet walk neither of you had much to say, your mind was to focused on the slight brush of your hands against each other at every slight movement, it felt like you would so easily lean in to the yearning and complete your fingers’ puzzle but it wasn’t that easy. He could feel it too, he tried fixing his gaze on the trees, the cars passing but his head would turn, and his eyes would land on you watching you deep in thought, maybe everything you did he found beauty in because he couldn’t just look away.
Amidst all the chaos of unrequited love, you didn’t realize how far the rumours of your relationship had been spread thanks to your small groups of gossip girls, that was until you got a message from one of your closer friends inviting you and Chan to a party the upcoming week, your first reflex was to call Wonwoo.
“No seriously I told them not to say anything, it already messy enough as it is” listening as he explained, you sighed falling flat on your bed, you had no intentions of making Chan go to that party just because of your dumb lie, “It’s not that bad, it’ll be mostly friends no one is gonna hang you I swear.”
Somehow you weren’t so sure of that, considering it had already been 3 months of you gaslighting your friends into believing you were very much sexually active with your friendly neighbour. As fun as it was playing the role it felt like your runtime was out and you needed to end the show.
You didn’t expect it to be so nerve racking to just end a simple contract earlier that agreed but as you approached the living room where Chan was sited you just wanted to act like nothing happened and continue acting like a couple forever. The confrontation part of breakup was obviously not your forte.
“Oh hi, y/n” he scanned your face for a second before continuing, “is everything okay?” you didn’t know it was so apparent on your face, now it just felt like you were making a big deal out of nothing, you nod taking a seat beside him on the couch.
“I think we should break up” the confused expression on his face forced you to clarify, “like you know… figuratively?” a soft smile grew across his lips at your sudden shyness,
“Yeah, why though? Did something happen?” he shifts slightly in his seat inching closer to you showing genuine concern, you shake your head reassuring him before explaining the situation to him, he listened attentively, as he always does, before speaking up.
“I don’t mind going, it’s kinda what I agreed to” he nods to himself before looking at you, your eyebrows are furrowed trying to understand why this was harder than you assumed it would be,
“Not really, I didn’t plan for it to go this far out.” You explain and he comforts you once again.
“Why?” the words slip out before you can filter them, “You’re not gaining anything from this, I don’t really get it.”
“I don’t know I just want to see this to the end, I guess” he shrugs, and you can hear the “oh” escape your lips you didn’t even know you had been hoping for a specific answer till it came out, you finally accept it and retrieve to your room.
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So you went, you went together holding hands as usual, smiling at the compliments that were thrown at your couple, accepting the little touches of affection with a soft blush on your face. It wasn’t a small party, it was a birthday party almost a time capsule of everyone you had met over the years, it was funny to see them all in one place, but you couldn’t shake off the feeling of deceiving them and at this point it wasn’t even fun to you anymore. You watched Chan grinning amongst the chattering crowd, he got along with everyone so well, somehow made himself a space in your friendships, in your life and now it was screaming at you, how badly you wanted this to be real, his hand fit so perfectly in yours and for what.
After a while of just sucking in the hurt you finally excused yourself to the backyard, to get fresh air you said but you just wanted to escape the feeling. You didn’t expect the tears to flow in with the rush of cool breeze, but it was expected you had been holding back the whole night, you sat there just taking in the night sky trying to distract yourself. You wipe the tears abruptly as you hear the backdoor open, glancing toward the sound and there he was. He had taken off his jacket, the sleeveless shirt he had on hugged his body perfectly, you watched as he approached you with a lazy smile running his fingers through his hair, his arm muscles flexing as he did. You tear your gaze away from him surprised at how quickly your thoughts could evolve.
He took his seat beside you on the bench, placing his finger right on your chin to pull your gaze back to him, his face dropped at the sight of your red eyes, if anyone would have noticed through the waterproof make up of course it would be him. You turn your head back to the grass underneath your feet not expecting him to follow it kneeling on the grass before you. Just seeing his worried face made them rush back in, his soft hands cupping your face while his thumbs wiped off the drops on your cheeks.
“You don’t have to act like this no one is here” you sniffle your eyes dropping from the slight contact unable to face him,
“Hey, hey, hey” trying to grab your attention, wanting your eyes on his before he spoke again, “I’m not doing this for anyone but you.” Why did it hurt even though he was being so nice?
You could see his panic as your tears multiplied “I really think we should end this, I’m sorry I dragged you into all of this” he shakes his head franticly, pulling you into his arms where you let yourself sob some more.
“You barely dragged me, I did it ‘cause I wanted to help you,” his soft caresses on the back of your head soothe your cries as his whisper flutter against your ears, “’cause I wanted to know you”
You found yourself wanting to stay in his arms forever, so you pulled away, wiping your tears and apologizing for making a mess on his top, you finally force a smile through the heartache, he returns the smile letting his fingers slip back around yours, gentle rubs back and forth from his thumb to your knuckles. “I guess you know me now… what’s the final review?”
His eyes are fixed on your hands glued together, nibbling anxiously on his bottom lip before looking up at you, “I think I love you.” 
“What?” you could have stopped breathing from the shock, his gaze trails off, taking a deep breath before facing you again.
“Fuck— I’m sorry”
“Do you really?” you lean in closer to him hopefully, he looks up at you hesitantly, breathing out a quiet “More than you know.”
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messedupfan · 2 days
Text
The Hope of a Free World: The Mentor
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Summary: After confronting Finnick about the rebellion, you are given the task of mentoring him in the 75th Hunger Games.
A/n: So a little explanation here. You do not have to read both "The Mentor" and "The Tribute" but you do have to read "Prologue." This is sort of my version of a Choose Your Own Adventure because I saw this going both ways when the request was made. You are absolutely welcome to read both versions of the story, but thought I'd let y'all know that you don't have to. I also forgot to warn y'all before but I'm a huge Everlark fan. If you stan Everthorne, not the fic for you.
Warnings: Violence, mentions of suicide, alcoholism, drug abuse, mentions of forced prostitution, rebellion, mentions of torture.
Masterlist | All Stories Taglist | The Prologue
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When the announcement of the Third Quarter Quell declared that the tributes would be pulled from the existing pool of victors, you were itching for a drink. No, you were itching for the drug you take when you have to entertain a client you don’t like. You wanted to feel numb. You didn’t want to think about having to experience the anxiety of a reaping once again. 
You don’t alter your mind to escape the harsh reality. As much as you want to. It still plays with your mind even though you knew this was going to happen. Finnick warned you that this is what their meeting in the Capitol was about. As soon as the broadcast is over, Finnick storms into your house and pulls you out. It needed to look real since your house was most likely bugged. You can hear Annie’s cries from the house they shared as he walks you over. She doesn’t know what’s going on, it’s for the best. According to Finnick, this was the only home in the Victor’s Village that had all of its recording devices removed. He made sure of it. 
He threw you on the couch as he began to pull on his hair and mutter to himself. He was really good at putting on a performance. “Mags,” he left and returned with the older woman a few minutes later. That was everyone Annie knew that he could trust in the district. 
Finnick doesn’t say anything coherent, mostly muttering to himself. He gives Annie a heavy dose of sleep syrup and he carries her to bed when it kicks in. “Okay,” he starts as he sits in front of you and Mags. No longer putting on the panicked act for Annie. Now she knows he’s talking to you and to Mags. That’s all she needs to know. “Here’s the plan, we’re going to train with each other to fight. But I’m going to need you to stop being anti-social. You haven’t mentored a winning tribute yet and I’m going to need your help in there.”
You nodded even though you hated that your contribution to the rebellion had to be talking to other people. “Well, I thought Mags was going to be there with me,” you remind them nervously as you fiddle with your medallion. 
Mags and Finnick exchange a look and your eyes bounce between the two as they both shake their heads. “Sable can’t be trusted. We tried to recruit her without her knowing but she is stuck in her ways. The Capitol hasn’t hurt her the way it has us. She wasn’t ever… desirable in their eyes so she doesn’t know what Snow does to us.” You scowl and shake your head. Even without being prostituted, you’d hoped that a fellow survivor of the Hunger Games would see that this wasn’t a way of life. “Annie… she isn’t an option. Mags is going to have to volunteer in order for this to work,” Finnick concludes. You nod. 
“Looks like we have a lot of work to do,” you say with a sigh.   
It was more than just combative training and learning how to charm sponsors. It was also learning about your escape out of the Capitol. Wanda even paid a heavy price to be allowed to see you one last time before the reaping just to show you the way the two of you, and anyone else you need to rescue, are going to make it out of there when the arena gets shut down. You couldn’t believe it when you found out that she was part of the resistance. But when she revealed that her motivations were the same as yours, it all made your heart flutter. Neither of you have felt free enough to say the words. Even without hearing her say those three words, you could hear it in the silence. You could feel it on the way home. You didn’t need much more than that for the time being.   
At the reaping your heart jumps with anxiety as your name is called. You stand forward as you wait for the process. Volunteers only occur after the reaping winner is introduced to the audience. You make sure to hold your head up high and only drop it when Finnick inevitably volunteers in your place. 
There is no time allotted for goodbyes. Which Finnick would have been okay with had they not denied Annie to join. She wasn’t mentally fit to take on the role of a mentor and according to the head Peacekeeper that escorted you, Finnick, and Mags to the train; it was an order given by the President that this year, they only needed one mentor for the tributes. You were still meant to mentor because you hadn’t successfully found your replacement. 
Finnick was nervous the entire ride to the Capitol. He knew that it was possible that Annie wouldn’t be allowed to mentor. She was exempt in the past since she was more unstable than others. They developed a system to give her the best life possible but she still held a reputation for not being all there mentally. He hoped that his allies in District 4 would be able to get her out of there. But there was no guarantee. 
You tried your best to comfort him but there wasn’t much you could do that wouldn’t give away the mission. That wouldn’t give away their private relationship. You didn’t want to risk exposing them, even if there’s a possibility that President Snow already knows. You weren’t going to do anything that will haunt you to believe it was you who confirmed his suspicions. 
Through the training period you are constantly meeting with Haymitch to gauge whether or not he’s been able to convince the Mockingjay and her boy with the bread to team up with your tributes. The three of you nearly jumped for joy when Haymitch informed you that the young woman chose Mags. None of you expected her to want to team with Finnick. His job was to focus on gaining Peeta’s trust. She wasn’t going to team up with anyone without his approval. 
Next came the time to shmooze the people in the Capitol placing bets and offering their support as soon as the Hunger Games started. You put every donation into your communicuff so you could eventually afford a gift to send. You pretended to accept many drinks and because you had been drunk plenty of times in the past, you knew how to play the part. Not as well as Haymitch of course. With Haymitch’s help, the two of you were able to get a few parachutes with supplies here and there but the prices are much higher this year since it’s a Quarter Quell and everyone wants to help their favorite former victors. You get lost in the act of cheering on your tributes on the screen and manipulating people into placing their money into your pockets. 
On the day that Beetee tells his remaining allies in the arena that he has a plan, you are promptly reminded why you're there to begin with. That’s when you started to get nervous. Knowing that you had to escape without being seen. If you failed, it could mean the end of you and you weren’t ready to sacrifice yourself for the cause yet. The whole reason you joined was to safeguard a future with the woman you loved. It was hard for you to focus, you were so on edge. You jumped every time someone approached you to hand you money to help your team. Any movement had your eyes scanning the crowd for a white suite with a black tinted shield on their helmets with guns pointed at you. There never were any. They remained on the other side of the doors that surrounded the room. The paranoia was eating you alive as if you were in the arena once again. 
When they started wrapping the tree with the wire, Wanda finally appeared from the sea of Capitolites. You didn’t know if she was ever in the room before that day but you were more than relieved to see her. “We have to go,” she whispered urgently as she grabbed your hand. You didn’t process fast enough to move so Haymitch tossed a drink in your face.
“I am so sorry, I can be such a clutz,” he grabbed you by your bicep. “Move,” he muttered as he smiled in the direction of the curious eyes that landed on the pair of us. “Nothin’ t’see here folks!” He slurred with a sloppy grin. He was drunk for so long that everyone bought the act. 
You began to move and follow Haymitch and Wanda. Haymitch was staggering so the two of you walked out of the area with him leaning on the both of you. The Peacekeepers almost didn’t pay the three of you any mind. 
Effie Trinket, the escort for District 12, trailed behind the two of you and she almost spoiled the escape as the Peacekeepers stopped her then asked the three of you to stop as well. “Excuse me, I am the only one with the key to the District 12 penthouse!” The Peacekeeper then asked why she couldn’t take Wanda’s spot in carrying Haymitch to his room and before you could stutter on a response, Effie was quick on her feet. “And risk flattening my feathers,” she scoffed as she clutched her pearls, “I think not!” The Peacekeeper apologized and let all four of you go.
At the first checkpoint, you and Haymitch discard your communicuffs so they can’t track you anymore. But that meant that the four of you had to move faster. They were made to alert authorities when prematurely removed. 
There was a little bit of a hiccup in the plan when a man approached Wanda, appearing out of nowhere. Stalling the four of you while he pulled her to the side to talk to her. You send Haymith and Effie off to continue to the rendezvous point as you stay back to ensure that Wanda gets there as well. The man's name was Vision, you overheard her when she asked him to let her go. There seemed to be some sort of history there. He looked like a government official. You couldn’t really tell what his significance was. But when he grabbed Wanda again and threatened to expose her, you did what life in the academy at District 4 raised you to do. He didn’t hear or see you coming when you came up behind him and snapped his neck. 
Wanda’s eyes widened but she shook her head and got back into focus. “Let’s go, we have to get out of here now.” You nodded and followed. When you got to the tunnel you were surprised to see a few of the other mentors there as well. You figured that they were on the side of the Capitol since their tributes were but each of them revealed their crackers with the mockingjay symbol on them. You did as well. There was a head count before every person could eat them to get rid of them. 
In the small gathering of people with a mix of mentors, camera crew, and what appeared to be Avoxes, Wanda recognized another man and this time she ran into his arms with tears in her eyes. You almost began to think that she had fooled you into believing that you were more than a purchase for her until she pulled away from him and you could get a good look at him. 
There was a small conversation once about him. Wanda had pictures of him all over her home and you once asked if she was married. She laughed at first but her expression fell as she realized you were holding a picture frame in your hand. She took the frame and placed it face down on the shelf as she muttered, “He was my twin before he became a traitor.” That was the last time you ever asked about him.  
Seeing her beam at him through her tears told you all you needed to know. Even if you were the reason she continued to be part of the rebellion, he was the reason she first sought them out. You couldn’t wait to be able to talk freely with her in District 13. You knew that there were many sides of her that you had yet to explore and you couldn’t wait to get to know her on a much deeper level. 
Once everyone boarded the stolen hovercraft you took a deep breath as you hoped that the plan in the arena went down as smoothly. But even if it didn’t, you knew that this was just the beginning of the new world. 
District 13 was strict. Each day you had a schedule tattooed on your forearm and you'd face harsh consequences if you didn't obey it. The meals were tasteless and the portions were less than you had gotten used to since becoming a victor. The training regimen was beyond what you were used to but it was the only thing about the district that you enjoyed because it was the easiest adjustment. Not to mention the times you got to spar with Wanda were some of the best foreplay the two of you got to experience. 
Unfortunately the two of you didn't get nearly as much time together as either of you hoped. Since you weren't married, they wouldn't let the two of you share a living space together. So she lived with Pietro, while you lived on your own. It was frustrating but you weren't willing to marry her over a distaste for the living arrangement. You wanted to wait until the country was free and so did she. 
The schedule allotted thirty minutes for family time. A decent break between the education and training for most of the citizens of District 13. You suppose it gave time to remind those who forget, what they are fighting for exactly. You and Wanda used that time to learn the sign language that the Avoxes use as communication. Wanda felt so disconnected from her twin because she couldn’t communicate with him the way she used to. Pietro was very patient and helpful when it came to the private lessons between the three of you. 
“I’m happy to have him back but,” Wanda sighed as she laid in your arms. “I wish I had done something to protect him.” 
You frowned as you lightly caressed her arm. You looked at her for a moment and admired her natural beauty. In District 13 appearance wasn't a priority the way that it is in the Capitol and certain districts. Wanda didn't need the wigs or the heavy makeup in order to fit in here. She finally got to be her true self. “There was nothing you could have done for him. If you had tried, you would have ended up just like him. You might not have even gotten here,” you tried to comfort her. 
Wanda sat up and faced you, “I um,” she looked down as she started to trace patterns on your chest. “I'm the reason he got in trouble in the first place.” 
You made a face, “How so?” 
“Vision,” she started and looked at the wall beside her. “The man you killed during our escape. He, uh, we were engaged. He worked in the government and he knew powerful people.” You nodded to show that you were following along when she did finally look at you. “And he witnessed Pietro committing an act of treason. He wasn't going to turn my brother in while we were engaged. I didn't know that he had seen Pietro do something illegal.” You rubbed Wanda's back as she spoke. It was clearly a difficult topic for her. “Vision never did anything out of the kindness of his heart. And he had a bit of a darkside to him that at a certain point, I couldn't handle anymore. So I broke off the engagement. He didn't even ask me to reconsider. He just showed up at my apartment the next day with a warrant and several Peacekeepers.” She closed her eyes as tears started to slip out. 
You shook your head as you wiped her tears. “If you had agreed to marry Vision, do you think you'd have been alive today?” Wanda thought for a second before she shook her head. “I think Pietro would tell you that you made the right decision. In fact, I'd put my money on that being the first thing he tells you when you can understand him. I mean, he was so incredibly happy to see you again. If he didn't care about you, he would have held a grudge.” 
“I suppose you're right,” she sighed as she rested against you again. The two of you fell asleep shortly after. And you were right. 
Pietro was eventually given a communication tablet because during a strategy meeting, he had written down brilliant ideas. President Coin and commander Boggs both agreed that Pietro needed to be able to speak up in a way that everyone could understand. Beetee developed a chip that was implanted in Pietro’s head. So the words appear on the tablet as fast as he can think them. He was even given options to either have it turned off completely or partially. Like if he wanted to have a private conversation, he could turn the voice option off and hand the tablet to the other person. And if he wanted to keep his thoughts private, he could turn the tablet off completely and not worry about a single thought being recorded or heard. 
The first thing he told Wanda was that he doesn’t blame her for what happened to him and that he is proud to see her as a happy and free woman. She sobbed and held onto him for the duration of the family time break.  
Finnick wasn't successful in retrieving both assets from the arena which made the progression of the rebellion slow down. He was able to get the girl out but not the boy. Johanna claimed that the girl was annoying before, but without Peeta she was insufferable. You couldn't imagine what she was going through. You were grateful that you weren't in her shoes. That you had Wanda with you. 
You tried to stay out of everything that concerned the Mockingjay and being a face of the revolution. You figured that the girl would snap out of it and realize that it was bigger than her. But eventually they started to look at you and Johanna. Finnick was willing to participate until the night that Annie was executed on live television at the District 4 Justice Building with four other confirmed rebels. The ones that were meant to help her escape the district. He tried to join her in the after life but you found him in time and got him to the infirmary.
You cried in Wanda's arms that night for the loss of your friends. You knew that Finnick won't ever be the same. 
So the responsibility of the propos fell onto you and Johanna. She was great at acting for the camera. You remember that’s how she was able to win her first games. No one thought the shy dainty girl from District 7 stood a chance in the arena until she got her hands on an axe. 
Most of her propos were filmed on a soundstage. She had a blue baton and fought against the soldiers dressed in Peacekeeper uniforms. Then she'd recite the lines perfectly. But there was something missing. You couldn't put your finger on it. But she wasn't inspiring. She was impressive. But she didn't have what Katniss had. And neither did you. 
You were a little more clumsy in your propo performances. You'd miss your marks and fumble on your lines. Luckily, with enough takes they were able to scramble something together. But it didn't have the fire it needed. It wasn't enough to inspire people to risk their lives for a cause that started to feel like it was dying. 
“It's not dying, it's just,” Wanda fails to come up with another term after you've expressed your concerns with her. She holds your face in her hands as she climbs onto your lap. Her eyes traveled along your face. She was searching for something. You didn't know what. “I can help you with your lines. Just, get me clearance to be with you during the day. You can do it. You can keep this revolution alive. I've seen that fire in you. You just need to have the right motivations.” 
You smirk, “I’m assuming that you believe that's you?” Wanda smacks your shoulder and you laugh as you kiss her cheek and trap her as she tries to escape your arms. “I'm kidding. I love you,” you said as you gazed into her eyes. Wanda froze in your arms. It was the first time you'd said the words out loud. She didn't know what she expected to feel when she finally heard those words from you, but she didn't expect to feel so much at once. She felt joy, she felt love, she also felt a deep fear. 
With tearful eyes, she leaned in and kissed your lips. “I love you too,” she whispered against your lips. The two of you made slow and passionate love that night. Telling each other how much you'd felt for each other. 
Wanda was right, with her as your director, you had the proper motivations for your filming. Plutarch was ecstatic with the new footage and things in the districts started to get rowdy again. People began to get motivated again. 
Things in District 13 started to feel a little more claustrophobic with the successes of your propos. Strangers would thank you and request autographs. Women would invade your personal space. Wanda would step in their way whenever she was around but she couldn't be by your side twenty-four seven. 
One of the times that a girl tried to kiss you, you were able to slip away and ran into an open vent to hide from her. That's where you found Katniss curled in a ball muttering to herself. “Sorry,” you said when she was startled by your presence. “I didn't mean to scare you, I just…” you cleared your throat and fiddled with your medallion. “I thought people here in Thirteen would have more boundaries than those in the Capitol but I guess horniness is a universal problem.” You tried to joke and you only got met with her glare. 
You nodded once and took a deep breath as you braced yourself for what you might face when you climbed out. But then a nurse started to call for Katniss. The girl curled up further and you instinctively blocked the nurse's view of Katniss with your body. “Sergeant, you shouldn't be in here,” the nurse grumbled. “Is Ms. Everdeen in there with you?” 
“I'm offended by that question. She is a married woman, and way too young for me,” you acted out dramatically. “I don't know if you’ve noticed, but I prefer someone a tad older than me. Don't tell her I said that though. She likes to keep her age a secret. But I mean come on simple math-” 
“What are you doing in there?” The nurse asked sharply as she interrupted your rambling. 
You hold up your medallion and the light of her flashlight bounces off of it. “I tripped walking and had to look for this,” you explained. “It's one of a kind. Couldn't risk losing it.” 
“Well since you've found it, you can leave. This is a favorite spot for the Mockingjay to hide. No one has seen her for hours,” the nurse explained. 
“Well, you're going to have to look somewhere else because she's not here,” you stressed as you stayed in your position. You were afraid if you moved, you would risk exposing that Katniss was also inside. 
The nurse turns off the flashlight and leaves. You listened to her heavy footsteps and waited until you couldn't hear her. “Why did you do that?” Katniss startled you. 
You yelped and held your hand to your chest as you dropped your coin. “Shit, Everdeen. Warn a person,” you patted the ground and your heart didn't stop racing until your fingers wrapped around the familiar metal. “I did it because I get needing a breather from all of the chaos out there. Besides, since you're out of commission, the rest of us have had to fill in for you. Let me tell you, I do not envy you. But I do sympathize with you.” 
“What are you talking about?” Katniss scowled at you. 
“They need a face of the revolution. Panem needs your face but they've been settling for mine and Jo’s,” you elaborated with a small laugh. “Let me tell you, I think I'm steering people in the wrong direction. I've had people approach me for a good time more than thanking me for trying to keep this revolution alive,” you shook your head as you stared at your medallion. 
“I have had to endure listening to the nurses gush about you,” Katniss muttered. You snorted. “I almost wished I could go back into the arena. It wasn't as painful.” 
“Believe me, no one wishes they could return to the arena more than I do,” you said quietly. “If I could've warned my younger self, I probably would have told him to not win,” you admit. Then you sigh. “But then I wouldn't have gotten to experience all of the good things I've managed to experience in my life.” 
“Ah, I've heard that you were quite popular with the citizens of the Capitol. I'm sure there's no regrets there when everyone wants to sleep with you, and has,” Katniss replied sarcastically. You're sure that she thought it was a harmless remark. She had no idea the weight of her words. So you gave her some grace. 
“Trust me Katniss, there's plenty of regrets there,” you said as you looked at her. “You're lucky to be ignorant to the true life of a victor. Especially someone as desirable as you.” 
Katniss rolled her eyes, “I'm far from desirable.” 
“A lot of my buyers would disagree,” you scoffed. 
“Buyers?” Katniss questioned but you couldn't explain it. So you shook your head. 
“Let's get you back to the infirmary,” you said as you offered her your hand. “You need to get better,” you said with a soft tone. 
Katniss stared at your hand as the red emergency light shined on it, then looked at you with tears in her eyes. She shook her head. “I don't deserve to. Not when Peeta…” she couldn't finish her sentence and you nodded. 
“You can't save him if you don't get better,” you tried to encourage her. “If you want them to arrange a rescue mission, you have to give Coin what she wants.” 
“Coin?” She squeaked out in confusion. 
The corner of your lips stretched up slightly. “She's the president of this district. Alma Coin is her full name,” you inform her. 
“Oh,” Katniss nodded. Then she accepted your hand and the two of you left the space. But once the two of you were in the hallway, Katniss wouldn't move. “I can't go back. I… the hallucinations… I can't.” 
“Hallucinations?” You frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“The drugs, I don't know. Whatever they use to sedate me. It's,” Katniss failed to continue then was interrupted when Gale Hawthorne spotted the two of you. 
“Katniss, there you are,” he said as he jogged down the corridor. As he got closer he slowed down and scowled at you. “I knew you weren't picky but I didn't think you were a predator,” he glared at you as he pulled Katniss away from you. 
“Gale,” Katniss snapped at him as he stood between the two of you. “Leave Y/n alone. We weren't doing anything. Let's go.” 
“Stay away from her,” Gale nearly growled at you. At the moment you refrained from laughing but later that night, you and Wanda couldn't stop laughing about it. 
A couple of days after that, while you were sitting with Wanda and Pietro in the mess hall, a blonde girl in her early teens dressed as one of the nurses tapped your shoulder. It took you a moment to recognize Primrose Everdeen but after she claimed that her sister requested to see you after lunch, you were able to put the pieces together. Wanda encouraged you to go so you did. 
When you met with Katniss, she wanted you to catch her up to speed with everything that had been going on. She didn't know who she could trust but she didn't think you'd lie to her. Gale treated her like she could break at any second. She didn't care to see her mentor or her district escort. Prim would go on and on about her day whenever she tended to Katniss, she didn't have any important information. The girl was in medical training. You seemed to be the best option. 
And you proved to be. You would sit by her side for thirty minutes each day, catching her up on any information that you thought she should know. She appreciated the honesty. 
She eventually got discharged from the infirmary. At her first meeting with Coin and Plutarch she requested that you were nearby. She was in there for about five minutes before she stormed out of the room. A week later, she was being dropped off in her home district. Plutarch's way of reminding the Mockingjay what's at stake. You were left behind to train, not that you minded. You weren't ever good at being a mentor. You don't know why you had the misfortune of being the one to find her that day. But the teenager seemed to have attached herself to you like a lost puppy. 
When she returned from District 12, she asked you to help her with a list of demands. She said her sister suggested it and that was the first time you wished that you were in her position. During the lunch hour, she sat with you and Wanda and Pietro. Wanda was hoping that Katniss wouldn't recognize her since she's almost positive she offended the girl while doing her job when she had a job in the Capitol. Luckily, Katniss never put it together. Pietro would chime in with a suggestion or two and Katniss was grateful for the input. After her meeting with President Coin she confirmed that she accepted her role as the Mockingjay.
Eventually Katniss began to rely a lot more on others. She developed a closer relationship with Johanna to the point that she requested to be roommates with her. You laughed when Johanna told you that Katniss wasn't as bad as she originally made her out to be. With Katniss needing you less, you were able to allocate time for Finnick. He was in horrible shape from losing the love of his life in such a horrific way. 
“I'm kind of glad she's dead,” he'd said one day as he focused his attention on his rope. “At least she's not being tortured. At least it's all over for her. She suffered for a long time. She's not in pain anymore.” It hurt you to hear the lifeless tone from the man that brought life to so much. He was the one to remind so many that through tragedy, there was still so much good. He's the one that snapped you out of your darkness. He had suffered so much for so long and he never let it show until Annie was executed. His words hurt for many reasons. That Annie was also your friend who could be quite funny and lively when she was stable. That she was someone anyone with a heart wanted to protect whenever she wasn't. 
At the mention of how she suffered, you recall a day at the market. It was just you and Annie. She was rattling on and on about some recipe she was trying to remember. She was slightly frustrated because she couldn't remember a certain ingredient. When you began to list off any ingredients that you could think of, a fake spear nearly hit Annie in the face. It would have made contact had you not caught it in time. The kids that were messing with the toy were very apologetic until Annie started screaming. People around began to panic as Annie had a melt down and all you could think to do was to shield her away from everyone. Others who were sympathetic to her condition helped you get through the crowded market while you carried her. It took her a month to snap out of it. You stopped by to check on her each day and Finnick allowed an hour visit each time. She would sit in her bed and stare blankly at the wall. She wouldn't speak. She'd hardly blink. You then knew that there was no such thing as a victor. There were only survivors. 
Sitting with Finnick was a lot like that. He wouldn't talk much and when he did speak, you almost wished you hadn't been there to hear it. 
On the day that Peeta was finally broadcast in an interview with Caesar Flickerman, Katniss rose up from her table where she was sitting with her mom and sister. She had a look you'd seen many times from Finnick and Annie and you felt that same protectiveness. She shouldn't have had to experience that moment so publicly. You pulled her out of the cafeteria and took her to a private area to watch Peeta's interview.
There weren't a lot of areas with private television access but you were able to shoo people out of a control room to allow Katniss the privacy. You stood outside the door to prevent anyone from going inside. You didn't run inside until you heard her screams. You wrapped your body around her and taught her how to breathe again until she calmed down. 
Shortly after that, Katniss started to do her propos. You asked Wanda to help direct her because she was so helpful with you. But when Effie caught wind of the possibility of a replacement, she swooped in. Unfortunately for her, Katniss wasn't an actor. She gave terrible delivery of her lines and her body language was too stiff. Even with Wanda’s notes, Katniss's performances were silly. Then they tested adding you and Johanna to help carry the weight. The two of you read the lines and Katniss was only meant to be seen and not heard. But it still wasn't enough. 
It wasn't until Haymitch walked in with his sarcastic claps that the team was able to put together what gave the Mockingjay her flare. She had to be in action. Her emotions had to be raw and real. Not with silly weapons and pretend fighting. Coin was resistant to letting the stars out into the front lines but Commander Boggs and Plutarch were able to convince her. 
Wanda wasn't too thrilled about you going out to fight either. The last thing she wanted to do was risk losing you. “I know that it's important but,” Wanda stands in the corner of your living quarters. “You have to swear to me that you're coming back here in one piece.” 
“Wanda, it's going to be safe,” you said as you crossed the room and took her face in your hands with a light touch. “You heard the details of the mission. They're only sending us to a refuge hospital in District Eight. We won't encounter a battle. We’ll be far from it. Besides, I hear Beetee has whipped up some badass weapons that aren't just for show.” She cracked a smile and you kissed her. The two of you leaned your foreheads against one another with your eyes shut for a moment as you held each other's hands. 
“Come back to me,” she whispered. 
“I promise, I always will.”
The following day Beetee invited you, Katniss, Gale, and Johanna to his laboratory where he presented the new weapons for each of you. For Katniss he had a sleek black bow that hummed with life whenever she held it in position. She used a normal arrow to practice and according to her, the bow helped her with accuracy. Not that she had a problem with that according to Gale. He was given a crossbow that seemed to have similar features to Katniss's bow. The bows came equipped with two types of special arrows. One had explosives and the other had fire. 
Johanna was given an especially sharp axe with nanotechnology that reshapes itself in order to stay that way. She was given a special glove with it. If she threw it too far, she was able to call it back to her no matter what it was stuck in or how far away it was. She thought it was a dumb idea at first and she was scared to even test it out since she couldn't trust that the axe wouldn't land in her hand the wrong way. But after a couple of run throughs, she couldn't wait to be given the chance to use the weapon. 
Next you were given a special trident. There was a second one made just like it for Finnick and it hurt you that he wasn't healthy enough to be doing this with you. After all, he was part of this long before you were. 
“The metal used for your trident and Johanna’s axe aren't of this planet. There isn't a metal stronger than this,” Beetee explained as you questioned why the trident was so light. You'd never wielded a trident so light since you were a child. You'd believed you were duped until you cut a test dummy's head clean off with barely a motion. 
“Why aren't our arrowheads made with the same material?” Gale asked with a scowl.
“It's the rarest metal on earth, bigfoot,” a man appeared seemingly out of nowhere as he tapped away on a tablet. “Explosives aren't enough for you?” He shakes his head. “We only had enough material for the Mockingjay suit, the axe, and the tridents.” 
“Wait, you mean to tell me that Katniss gets a special suit and the rest of us are vulnerable?” Johanna asked next. It wasn't fair.
“Take it up with Cinna. Oh wait, you can't,” the man said in reference to the designer's death. 
“What does Cinna have to do with this metal?” Katniss asked. 
“It came from his ancestors. He said the metal was called vibranium. He only had a limited supply of the pure metal and he had enough of its fabric to make the Mockingjay armor. I only fulfilled his dying wishes,” the man said. 
“Meet Tony Stark, everyone,” Beetee introduces the man. “He is almost as intelligent as I am.” 
“Charming,” Tony rolled his eyes at the man. “If you don't mind, some of us have real work to do.” He took the trident from your hands. “May I?” He said as he walked away without a response from you. He walked around the lab and took apart the rod. You figured that whatever he was up to with the weapon was only going to benefit you. 
The trident ended up being very useful in District 8 when the Peacekeepers attacked the hospital. 
Arriving at District 8, the group was brought inside a formerly abandoned warehouse. The entrance hall of the building was lined with stacks of casualties. You nearly threw up at the smell. Gale did have to step aside to vomit. Paylor commented that everyone will get used to the smell. You couldn't believe these were the conditions for those that couldn't make it to District 13. You had no idea how good you'd had it in that district until you walked into the main area of the warehouse. 
It was full of sick and injured and dying men, women, and children. Those who weren't at risk of losing their lives were tending to those that were. It was eye opening. This was the cost of war. It made you queasy again. You nearly fainted. But you didn't want them to waste any of their supplies on you. So you continued to stand tall. 
The first sighting of Katniss had the people stunned. They hadn't seen her until that point. No one outside of Thirteen had. An elderly woman asked her about her baby after she agreed that she was going to fight. You hadn't thought about the fact that Peeta had shocked everyone on the night of the interviews with the news of their private nuptials and baby announcement. It appeared that Katniss might've forgotten about that as well but she recovered quickly. She stated that she lost the baby. 
Shortly after that Cressida, a director from the Capitol, was raving about the footage she got of Katniss and of the rest of you meeting refugees and handing them supplies they needed. Plutarch thought it would be more effective if the team was sent with gifts and not just gifting the injured with the presence of the Mockingjay. You and Johanna were whispering inside jokes to each other about how Gale didn't look at Katniss like they were related. Then the jokes turned into claims that the rumors of their home districts incest problems might not be rumors. Gale heard that one and turned around to say something. That's when the first bomb hit. The team sprung into action to get out of the building and that's when everyone saw the hovercrafts with the Capitol emblems on them. Katniss and Gale moved to get higher in order to shoot them down with their special arrows. You tried to shoot them down with the standard issue machine gun they provided you in case something like this happened but it was just a waste of bullets once an arrow took one of the crafts down. 
A squad of Peacekeepers appeared and were firing their weapons. As you dove for cover, Johanna threw her axe. The weapon cut off three heads of Peacekeepers before it got stuck in a cement wall. On your hip, your trident was closed into a simple rod. You pulled it out and clicked a button that allowed it to expand out and reveal its sharp metal. You accidentally tapped another button and the blades became electrified. 
“Cool,” Johanna muttered as she watched your weapon become even deadlier. She caught her axe in her hand and together the two of you charged at the Peacekeepers. Taking multiple down at a time. Not stopping until the last one was gone. Unfortunately, even with all of the effort to stop the attack, the makeshift hospital was gone. 
You were devastated by the sight. As was Katniss. She gave a harrowing speech into the camera as a Capitol ship burned behind her. She pointed to it and shouted, “If we burn! You burn with us!” 
Wanda ran into your arms as soon as you stepped out of the hovercraft.
“I heard there was a attack in Eight. I thought, I thought,” she shook as she failed to finish her sentence. 
“It's okay,” you whispered as you held her just as tight. “I'm okay.” 
Katniss watched you and Wanda. She remembered having a similar feeling in her first games when she heard the cannon go off and she couldn't find Peeta. Again when his heart stopped in the second games. She felt it recently when she saw Peeta on television for the first time since they'd been separated. She looked at Gale and wondered if she'd feel that kind of fear if his life was at stake. She knows she'd be afraid to lose him. But would she feel the same desperation she felt for Peeta? She didn't know. She did know that she the first impressions of you that she had before were completely wrong. She thought that, much like Finnick, you were just another victor that used their fame and riches to sleep with everyone and anyone. There was a lot of coverage of it in the years since you'd won. But watching the way you were with Wanda. She realized there was something a lot more to you than that. 
“When you said your buyers would disagree,” Katniss started as the two of you walked around the woods. She was in an argument with Gale because of what Peeta was being forced to say on television. Katniss still wanted to hunt but she wasn't allowed to without at least one other person with her. She invited Johanna but she said she'd rather be burned alive because at least that torture ended in death. So she asked you and you didn't feel up to dancing in front of another camera so you agreed. “What did you mean by that?”
“I shouldn't have said that to you,” you said as you kept on walking. 
“Well you did and I want to know what that meant,” Katniss pressed on as she followed. 
“Why? It's not important,” you tried to move on from the subject and when she asked again you stopped walking. You turned to her and sighed. “Katniss, what I'm about to tell you isn't… It's not something you'll be able to easily forget. Are you sure that you want to know?” 
Katniss nodded her head, “Yes, I need to know. I can't stop thinking about it. Why would you have buyers?” 
“Because of Snow,” you stated with a shrug. “I wasn't the only one. There are, sorry, were other victors that were auctioned off to the highest bidders. Those that were found to be… desirable in the eyes of Capitol citizens or officials were forced to comply. Snow allowed us access to certain drugs that took the edge off, made the meetings bearable. But if we ever resisted, he would kill someone that we cared about. It happened to Finnick. It happened to Johanna. It happened to me. So, Katniss, when I say that you are lucky. I mean that you are lucky,” you stated before turning and walking on. 
“I don't get it. Why would he do that?” Katniss eventually asked after a while. She had gone silent after your speech and you felt bad for your snarky comment. You hardly knew what she had to endure, she was from a poor district. She'd been in the Hunger Games twice. It wasn't a fair statement. 
You shrugged at her question, “To remind us that we're still just as powerless as we were before we won? I don't know.”
Katniss stopped you from walking further and turned you to face her. She scanned your face with her eyes then she hugged you. “I'm sorry you had to go through that,” she said against your chest. You responded to the hug by wrapping your arms around her and rubbing her back.
“It's over now,” you stated before pulling away. 
“How did you manage to find someone to love through all of that? How did you allow yourself to open up to someone that way?” Katniss asked. 
You smiled as you thought about the first time you met Wanda. “Love isn't something that you find or that you decide whether or not to accept. Not when it's true. The kind of love that I have with Wanda, it snuck up on me. I never expected it and I don't think she did either. I tried to fight it, of course. She did as well, I mean I might've been a victor but I was still from the districts. Falling for me was a giant risk for her. Not just career wise but her life was at stake as well. But eventually neither of us could deny it,” you shook your head. 
“Wanda isn't from District Four?” Katniss asked dumbly. 
You laughed, “She's going to kill me when I tell you this because she thinks she might've offended you when she was doing her job but no, she isn't from Four. She's from the Capitol. She used to do the gossip segment for Capitol TV.” 
Katniss's eyes widened in recognition. “Now I remember her. Wow, I cannot believe I didn't recognize her. She's so human now.”
You nodded, “Yeah, she hated her job but it's what more than paid the bills.” 
“It must’ve been difficult to protect that love,” she sympathized. “Talk about star-crossed lovers,” she muttered. 
You stared at her for a moment as you considered asking all of the questions that had been swarming your mind long before you even met her. “You and your cousin?”
Katniss sighed through her nose as she looked at you, “He’s not my cousin. He – I don’t quite know what he is to me right now.”
 You nodded and bit your lips. “You and Peeta,” you started and Katniss’s eyes darted to the ground, “What, uh, was any of that real?” 
Katniss shook her head then she nodded then she shook her head more. “I don’t know. I’ve told myself a dozen times that it was just about survival but… I don’t know.” You nodded. You understood how complicated feelings could be. “Snow didn’t make it any easier.”
You frowned as your eyebrows knitted together. “What do you mean?”
Katniss took a deep breath, “He told me that if I couldn’t convince him and the rest of the country that my moment with berries was an act of love and not an act of defiance… he’d well, he made it seem like he’d kill everyone I cared about but instead he just sent us back into the games.” She looked off to the distance. “He wanted to avoid all of this.” She shook her head again. “I thought he was crazy. I didn’t think that my decision to save the person that saved my family and I when we were preteens would cause all of this.” 
“Katniss,” you started, you wanted to tell her that there was so much more to this. But it wouldn’t be much comfort to know that every person has just been a pawn in these games. “Let’s just focus on hunting. That’s something that does a lot more good than bad, right?”
Katniss nodded as she started walking again. 
After that the two of you were able to kill two giant elks. It took a lot to carry down to the kitchen but somehow the two of you managed. The two of you were sharing a laugh when a broadcast of Peeta came onto the screens in the cafeteria. He looked worse than the first time they showed him. Katniss covered her mouth at the sight. You shut your eyes as you tried to push away the thoughts of what they could be doing to the poor boy. It wasn't fair. 
He was once again calling for a cease fire. Well the first time he was asking for one. This time he was begging for Katniss to stop. You shook your head at his words. You have no idea what you would do in his position. 
The next propo recorded was Katniss's idea. She wanted to show Peeta what happened to their district. So the film crew went out to District 12 to film Katniss and Gale. You and Johanna were forced to go just in case there was another attack. It would look good for the cameras. 
Katniss and Gale walked around what was left of their home district, which was nothing but ashes. Bodies were melted together and you could imagine their despair as they tried to run out of the district. Katniss told the cameras what building used to be where in what used to be the town square. She stood on what once was Peeta Mellark's childhood home. Gale then told the cameras how the bombing went down. He claimed that the Mellark's had no chance to get out of there as some of the first bombs hit around the bakery. 
The footage ended up saving many lives. They intercepted another interview with Peeta and he looked much worse than before. He heard Katniss's song as Beetee and Tony disrupted the broadcast and warned her that everyone would be dead by the morning. The footage ended with Peeta being knocked out with the butt of a rifle. The camera fell as his blood splattered on the floor. 
The district had to evacuate even further into the Earth. They had a bunker just in case the Capitol tried to bomb the already underground district again. You stayed with Wanda and Pietro as the bombs shook the planet. It was hours before the walls stopped shaking. It might've been all night but without any way to track the time, it didn't really matter. People just wanted it to stop. 
Once the hovercrafts were cleared, a team of volunteers were sent to rescue Peeta. Gale was the first to volunteer, you were the second. Despite Wanda’s protests, you had to go. You had to help especially after Katniss had a meltdown. She was just like Annie. You couldn't save but maybe you could save Peeta. You couldn’t help Finnick, but you hoped you could help Katniss.
The mission wasn’t easy. You knew it wouldn’t be. Peacekeepers were everywhere. If you hadn’t had a weapon so special, you don’t think you’d have made it out alive. Getting out of the Capitol was nearly impossible but somehow the team managed to get out with only a couple casualties. When you returned, you had to face the wives and husbands of those that didn’t make it back. You don’t think you’ll ever forget their screams for those they lost. Just another reason to wake up in the middle of the night. 
Wanda wouldn’t open the door when you went to visit her. At breakfast the next morning she wouldn’t look at you. At lunch she sat close to you but still refused to address your presence. By dinner, she decided to forgive you for volunteering to go on the possible suicide mission. She hugged your bruised and cut up body and glared at you when you winced. 
“You wouldn’t be in pain if you’d of stayed,” she said and you smiled as you kissed her scowl. 
“I love you too.” She rolled her eyes as she continued to lean against you. “I told you that I’d always come back.” 
Wanda sighed deeply, “I hate that I fell in love with someone that’d risk their life to save the world. But I can’t ask you to stop.” She moved your overgrown hair behind your ear. “That hope in your heart is what made me fall in the first place.”
“You really set yourself up for failure didn’t you?” You asked with a grin as you also moved locks of her hair behind her ear. 
“Gag, I’m trying to eat here,” Pietro’s tablet went off and he quickly fumbled with trying to turn it off as you and Wanda laughed. 
With Peeta in the infirmary, Katniss began to ignore her schedule. She spent her training hours in his room. She didn’t want him to feel alone since none of his family made it out. A friend of his, Delly Cartwright, did make it to District 13. She was visiting when Katniss wasn’t. Peeta was in terrible shape when he was rescued. It was months before he was well enough to be released and in that time more districts became free from the ruling of the Capitol. 
You were only sent to other districts when they wanted to film supplies being distributed to them. To show that District 13 cared. You felt off about it but it kept you off of the frontlines where you could be safe. And since the Mockingjay was refusing to do much outside of helping Peeta back to health, there wasn’t much else expected of the Star Squad. The nickname for the squad of victors that always had the cameras on them. 
You would visit Finnick when you could in order to get him to eat after he’d nearly starved himself to death. You were kind and paitient with him until one day you unleashed your frustration with him. 
“I’m so sick of your pity party Finnick!” You shouted after he just went on and on about wanting to be dead. “Do you know how much medical supplies they’ve wasted to keep you alive? You’re not even grateful!” You started to pace the room.
“I never asked them to -” he began to shout back.
“Well too damn bad! They did! I promised Annie that I would always be there for you and I’ll be damned if you make me break that promise!”
“She’s dead! What she wanted doesn’t matter anymore!” 
“Of course it matters!” You shouted back just as desperate. “Finnick, she loved you. And you loved her! She's gone and you're still here. It’s not fair. None of this is fair. But if you were out there, you would see how selfish you've been! If you had a conversation with ten people here, you'd find out that more than half of them have lost the loves of their lives and they are still fighting!” You shook your head at him. “I've been patient with you but you're pathetic. And I can't keep doing this anymore,” you left the room. 
You didn't see him again until a few months later when he walked into the training room. He looked healthier than the last time you'd seen him. Finnick wouldn't go near you but you didn't mind. You preferred that he hated you. It meant he was alive. 
“We need something to celebrate,” Plutarch said as he eyed Katniss and Peeta. The two were always seen together. If you spotted one alone, the other wasn't too far behind. You teased her about it during training once and she jabbed you in the ribs with a baton. You stopped teasing her whenever there was a weapon around. “We were thinking of a wedding…” he kept moving his eyes towards the clueless teens. 
Katniss shrugged when she felt his eyes on her, “That's not a terrible idea. Who's getting married?” You shook your head as you failed to hide your amusement. 
“You're not serious?” You look at Plutarch and Coin. “You're going to force those kids to fake their marriage a second time?” 
“Well, seeing as they already claimed-” 
“Wait us?” Katniss finally caught up. 
“I don't know guys,” Peeta started. 
“Hear us out-” Plutarch tried to explain again. 
“Ugh, please stop,” Johanna cut in with a roll of her eyes. “It's already been done. We can't keep spinning this broken record. I'd sooner gouge my eyes out than attend their wedding.” 
“That's not-” Katniss frowned. 
“No one was asking you, Johanna,” Plutarch finally got a full sentence in. 
You looked over at Wanda as you considered volunteering. She met your eyes and subtly shook her head. You sighed and turned to the table. “What about Johanna and…” your eyes scanned the room. You smirked as they landed on the glowering raven haired grey eyed man sitting across from Katniss and Peeta. “Gale,” you grinned. “Cressida has said that he has a face for the camera. And come on, what’s more unifying than a miner from Twelve marrying a lumberjack from Seven?” You could have sworn that you saw smoke coming out of Gale's ears. “Shows that we're all the same.” 
“That's not a bad idea,” Finnick chimed in. 
“Screw you, where'd you come from anyway?” Johanna snapped at her friend. 
“I'm just saying, no one would expect it,” Finnick shrugged. 
President Coin leaned forward on the table. She looked at each face then she said, “No. It has to be the Mockingjay.” 
“Why?” You challenged her. 
“Excuse me?” Coin stared at you directly. 
“Why does it have to be her? She's a kid,” you doubled down. “If you make them get married, you're no better than Snow.” The room went silent. No one has challenged the president so openly before. They weren't sure what they were supposed to do. 
“We'll do it,” Katniss said. “Don't punish Y/n. I've confided in them a lot and they're only trying to protect me.” She defended you. “Which I appreciate,” she turns to address you directly, “but it's not necessary. Besides, what's another fake wedding?” She looked at Peeta who appeared to be very displeased by the news. 
“Excuse me,” Peeta rose from his seat and left the room. Katniss stood up and Haymitch stopped her. 
“Let him be,” the older man said gruffly. She sat back down as she watched the door. 
“Perfect!” Plutarch clapped his hands. “Perfect! We'll get a move on. We only have a couple of weeks to pull this off!” He gathered his notes and walked off with his team. 
You didn’t want any part of the fake wedding because it made you uncomfortable. The thought of making the two teenagers continue to put on a show when they still didn't know what they wanted. It also made you look at the president of District 13 differently. When you first arrived, you thought she wanted true change. As you got to work under her for an extended period of time you began to question if she was just as power hungry as Snow was. 
Unfortunately, you couldn't stay away from the wedding party. Since District 12’s traditions weren't something that were celebratory or entertaining enough. They are private and intimate. And there isn’t enough in District 13 to spare for a Captiol type wedding. It was too risky to hold it in the woods which is something that comes from the District 7 traditions. Finnick offered up District 4 traditions which are a little more extravagant than District 12 but were doable compared to District 7 and Capitol traditions. That brought on your involvement in the whole endeavor. You kept trying to pass responsibilities off to Finnick but he was having to catch up on training since it’d been close to a year since he was rotting away in the infirmary. 
Wanda thought your wedding planning persona was cute. She’d never seen you throw yourself into something so much before. Considering that before the rebellion she only saw you for a few hours every few months, she was happy to learn about any side of you. She kissed your cheek when you were doing a seating chart that made the most sense visually.
“Is this how you'll be when we get married?” Wanda asked as she leaned her head against your shoulder. 
“Oh, we're going to get married, are we?” You retorted as you erased a name from the chart and wrote it somewhere else. 
Wanda rubbed your other shoulder as she smiled. “Of course we are,” she kisses your cheek again. “I don't join rebellions for just anyone, you know?”
You made a face. “I thought you did this for Pietro.” She walked in front of you and sat on your lap as she wrapped her arms around your neck. 
“What happened to him made me realize how unfair the system is and I wished I could do something to change it.” She held your face in her hands and played with your hair as she held your eye contact. You loved getting lost in those enchanting hazel green eyes. “I didn't get involved until the night I realized I loved you. I remember it so vividly, I nearly thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest.” She grabbed your hand and held it over her chest. She shook her head. “You were fast asleep but for a moment I couldn't tell if you were breathing. Then I imagined that you died and just the mere thought,” her eyes teared up and you reached up with your free hand to cradle her face. “I never thought I was capable of loving someone as much as I love you.” 
You felt yourself getting choked up by her confession of love. “I, wow,” you reacted with tears on the brim of your eyes. “I had no idea you felt so deeply about me.” You pressed your hand against her chest. “I am lucky that you trust me with your heart.” You leaned your head against hers and closed your eyes. “I hope I'm worth all of this death and destruction to you.” 
Wanda nuzzled against you and pulled you closer to her at your words. “You are worth the hope of a brighter future. That's what I'm fighting for.” The two of you held onto each other for a long time. You got lost in the moment with her. You felt your  heart beat in time with hers. Even though she didn't want to marry you at the time, you felt as though your souls connected that day as a promise of forever. 
At the wedding, everyone read from scripts that Effie and Plutarch wrote together. It was a cheesy and silly wedding. There were moments that made the event feel real. Like when Peeta teared up as Katniss was walked down the aisle by her sister, Primrose. Or when Katniss got choked up and went off script at the start. Not a single word she said was fabricated. Peeta didn't read his lines either.
The unifying kiss lasted a bit longer than it should have. It made you happy to see that Katniss was making a complicated situation a little less complicated. She looked happy. So did Peeta. So did everyone else. The celebration after felt real. People danced and sang. You and Wanda got to have a moment on the dance floor as well. You held her so close as the two of you swayed together at a slow song. You moved with her as the dance became a little more elaborate and the music became upbeat. There was laughter where there used to be quiet whispers. It was a bright occasion. 
Which was nice to have the memory of the celebration when the war began to take a turn. The Capitol had yet to be overturned. They began to draft as many able bodied men and women to become Peacekeepers in order to infiltrate the more radicalized districts. Attacking when they least expected. 
In Thirteen, they began to release soldiers that passed their final exams to districts the second they passed. At a certain point it began to feel like they rigged the system in order to send the troops out as fast as possible. There were, however, certain soldiers that couldn't leave for a reason or another. Like Pietro was an asset to the war room which they kept him locked away in for the majority of his days. Or if a soldier had a certain medical condition that prevented them from leaving. 
You didn't feel that you were ready when you finished your exam but you sat in your living quarters as you stared at your assignment. Wanda walked in after her exam and sat on the bed with you. She laid her head on your shoulder as she frowned down at your papers. “That's what one of those looks like,” she muttered. You made a face as you noticed she was empty handed. 
“You're not going on a mission?” You asked as you moved your arm to set your hand on her hip. 
“No,” she said as she nuzzled into your side more. “I didn't pass. I, um, I guess they found… something,” she shook her head and pulled away from you. “I have a medical condition that prevents me from going.” 
Your eyes widened with fear. “What’s wrong, Wanda? Are you going to be okay?” 
Wanda smiled with tears in her eyes, “I'm going to be just fine. Don't you worry about me. I-” She was interrupted by a knock. 
Commander Boggs stood at the door with two other soldiers. “I'm here to personally retrieve you. It seems as though the Mockingjay made plans of her own yesterday. We leave in a half hour. Say your goodbyes now.” He stepped away and shut the door as a courtesy. 
You turned to Wanda with a pounding heart. You didn't want to leave without knowing that you would be coming back to her. “Wanda, I love you. I can't lose you. Please tell me, this medical condition isn't serious.” 
Wanda held both of your hands in hers. “Y/n. I'm fine. I'm better than fine. I will tell you everything when you come back to me. Because you will come back to me, right?” 
You nodded and pulled her into a tight hug. Then you kissed her lips and memorized the way her soft lips felt against yours. With your eyes closed, you leaned your forehead against hers and whispered, “I will always come back to you.” You promised just as Boggs knocked on the door to signal that it was time. You pulled your medallion out of your pocket and handed it to Wanda. “This has always been my good luck charm. I want you to have it.” Wanda shook her head but you put it in her hand and closed her fingers into a fist as you stood up to leave. You reminded her that you loved her. She told you that she loved you as tears streamed down her face. 
The Star Squad was assembled and meant to be safe from any combat. The group was meant to be filmed not to engage in real battle. The team wasn't even supposed to exist but with Katniss cutting her honeymoon short and sneaking off to the Capitol on her own, Coin was forced to make it look like that was her idea. You couldn't be mad, Katniss wanted Snow dead. Everyone did. But you were a little upset that she didn't include you in the plan once you found out that Peeta and Johanna helped her escape. 
The team moved through the rundown Capitol with precaution, using a device nicknamed the Holo. It mapped out and scanned for PODs, which were unpredictable traps planted throughout the streets. You couldn't believe what had become of the once vibrant city. You knew where Wanda’s home was from where you stood, no matter where you were. You remember taking long walks with her through the city during your time with her. The two of you were always in some ridiculous disguise to allow for privacy. 
She would race you when she was in a playful mood. The two of you would accidentally knock into others with childish snickers. Other times, you would spot a cheesy gift at one of the many stands at the market. You would buy her something that you knew she'd hate in order to share a laugh then surprise her with something she'd love. You eventually found out that she kept both types of gifts in a box under a floorboard under her bed. 
It was one of the signs that let you know she loved you. 
You think about her when Homes and Mitchell are blown up. The explosion was loud and had your ears ringing. Gale had to grab you by your vest to get you running as guns were firing. The team ran to hide in three different buildings. Katniss and Gale used their explosive arrows to blow up the Peacekeepers vehicles before they could use their explosives against the Star Squad. 
Boggs and Jackson were able to get everyone directed into a single building and reconvene. They agreed that the best course of action was to retreat back to base but Katniss cut in with her personal mission, claiming it was Coin's assignment. “I was sent here to kill Snow. Coin wants us to broadcast the entire thing in order to get the Peacekeepers to surrender,” she wasn't convincing but no one was in a position to argue when the team was closer to the Presidential Mansion than they were to safety. 
Boggs didn't challenge her. He agreed to follow her lead. He projected the map of the city to show that the number of PODs had grown. The best chance was underground. Pollux, a former avox turned rebel cameraman and soldier, volunteered his knowledge from the years of experience he had working in the sewer system of the Capitol.
You had to pretend that the water that you sloshed through was the ocean that you once played in as a child. “Thinking about home?” Finnick asked you as he nudged your shoulder. 
“Yeah,” you responded, “you?” 
He nodded his head, “although this smell isn't making it easy. I miss that sea salt smell. I didn't mind tasting that air.” 
“Aw man,” you shook your head as you remembered the crystal blue sea. “When all of this is over, the first thing I'm doing is taking Wanda to Four. She deserves a nice beach day after everything she's been through.” 
“I think we all do,” Finnick added. “But don't worry, I won't be too needy when I come along. Not like you were.” His joke hit you harder than it was meant to. It felt like a different life. You invaded Finnick and Annie's home because you couldn't be alone. You joined them on their dates whenever you needed the company. Annie took care of you whenever she was capable of doing so. She was such a great person. She didn't deserve to go the way she did.
“It's okay, I deserve it,” you patted his back. He hugged you from the side while the both of you continued to walk through the sewers. You missed him so much while he was lost. You were happy to have him back. You hoped that one day he would move on because that's what Annie would have wanted. 
The team eventually found a dry space to rest for a few hours. You were the first on the watch rotation. You were jumpy. There was a feeling in the pit of your stomach that warned you. In the moment, you ignored it. When you fell asleep after you woke up Boggs, you continued to ignore the feeling. 
Then you woke up to screams and being shoved. Katniss was shoving you awake. Everyone ran out of the dry space and ran through the tunnels as they were chased by mutts. You tried to shoot at the mutts but you couldn't slow down enough to aim. Directions were being shouted out and in the hysteria the team members that weren't being mauled by the faceless creatures ran into an area that was meant for maintenance workers. Several of them ran up a ladder to escape. Just as Katniss was about to climb, a creature took her down which sent you and Peeta running to her rescue. Finnick was shouting from the opening for everyone to hurry. 
With your trident you were able to fend off the creatures in front of you but it was Johanna that managed to protect you from behind. Katniss and Peeta managed to get the creatures away from them with Gale's help as well as yours and Johanna's. Katniss ran up the ladder first, followed by Peeta, then Johanna. It was you and Gale that were next when another wave of mutts came rushing through. You tried to climb up as fast as you could to allow Gale the time to climb but both of you were caught by the wave. Just as you were being pulled up by Peeta, your legs were caught by a mutt and had you dragged back down. 
If it hadn't been for your special trident, you wouldn't have made it out of the sewers alive. You managed to save what was left of Gale. His right leg was shredded and gushing blood. The two of you crawled through the tunnels together and managed to catch up with what was left of the team. Katniss looked relieved but the feeling didn't last long as a bullet fired and hit Gale in the head. You had been the one holding him up as it happened. His blood and his brains painted your face. 
“Run!” You shouted as more Peacekeepers appeared. Katniss was in shock, you had to grab her as you ran through the parking garage. Deadly light beams flashed from the ceiling at random. The first one took down Messalla. He turned to dust as fast as the light touched him. “Run!” You screeched at the top of your lungs again as the floor shredded behind the Leeg sisters. Leeg 2 tripped over herself and fell into the blades. Leeg 1 turned as she heard her sister's cries, that split second of hesitation took her life. 
Finally, the lights stopped as did the blades and the remaining members of the Star Squad were running out of the death trap and into the dark streets of the Capitol. There were digital and physical posters everywhere of the rebels' faces, including yours and the other former victors. There didn't seem to be a place to hide. The adrenaline coursing through your veins had you jumping at every sound as you tried to think of where to hide. 
“I know where we are,” Cressida said breathlessly, “I know where to go.” She guided the team to a clothing shop. A woman with tiger-like features answered the door and rushed everyone inside. She brought the team of rebels into the basement. You took careful steps as you observed the space with your weapon drawn. Cressida, Castor, and Pollux were already standing around the basement. When you deduced that it was safe, you collapsed on the last step. 
You woke up with a gasp of air, startled by the delicate touch of the woman that was hosting you. She had been stitching a gash on your bicep when you woke up. You frowned as she retreated. You knew her but you couldn't remember how before you slipped back into unconsciousness. The adrenaline had deserted your body, leaving it exhausted without an ounce of energy. 
“Wanda,” you muttered as you felt someone cradling your face in their hands. You leaned into the touch and forced your eyes open, anxious to see the love of your life. It was Johanna that you saw instead. She was wiping your face with a wet cloth. “Oh, it's you,” you muttered as you shut your eyes again. 
“Shut up, you know you're happy to see me,” she said softly as she continued to clean your face. “Finnick made it. So did the two love birds. Cressida and her bugs are alive too,” she quietly informed you.
You tried to swallow a lump forming in your throat but the emotions hit you too hard to hide them. “I couldn't save him,” you said through your tears. Johanna nodded as she continued to clean Gale's blood from your face with a frown as tears built up in her eyes. She cared about you a lot and it hurt her to see you fall apart like that. You stopped crying and sat up as you felt guilty for the display of emotion when everyone in the room had lost people. You weren't even close with Gale. It just sucked with how hard you fought to keep him alive and just when you thought you had, he was gone before you or anyone could do anything. 
You looked around the room and saw Finnick cleaning the blades of his trident. Cressida, Pollux, and Castor were tinkering with an old model of a Capitol television. Katniss and Peeta were holding each other as they slept. Her nose was red and her cheeks were stained with tears. You were certain were shed for the loss of her former hunting partner and best friend. 
“When do you think we'll continue?” You asked Johanna with a mouth full of a sandwich she'd handed you. 
She took a slow breath as she considered her answer. “When the next opportunity presents itself. We're in too deep to turn back now.” You nodded as you chewed. 
Pollux cheered as he managed to repair the television. A mandatory broadcast that invited all Capitol citizens to Snow's mansion gave the opportunity to infiltrate the mansion. But it was only safe for two people to go. You were the first to volunteer. Katniss was the second. Peeta protested but Katniss was able to convince him that it had to be her. His prosthetic leg was broken, he couldn't take your place even if Katniss wasn't able to talk him down.  Finnick almost talked you out of going but he didn't see the point.
“When Wanda asks, I tried to take your place,” Finnick said as he helped you get dressed up. 
“Oh if I ever tell her this story, you did take my place,” you joked. He patted your shoulder as he agreed with a grin. He adjusted the holster with the trident inside so that it was still hidden but gave you easy access. Then he handed you a stolen Peacekeeper rifle and helped you hide it under the heavy coat. “If this goes south, tell her I'm sorry and that I love her,” you told Finnick with fear in your eyes. 
Finnick sighed, “Things will go south if you think like that.”
“Promise me that you'll tell her,” you stated firmly. He agreed to deliver the message. “And make sure that when all of this is over and we come out on top that she is taken care of. If they still give us our winnings, make sure she gets mine. And that she can have my place in Four. Make sure that you disable all of the bugs,” you speak urgently as if you don't tell him these things now, no one will ever know your last wishes. 
“Y/n,” Finnick looked you in the eye with worry, “Should I take your place? You have a life to start after this. I don't. Maybe I should-” 
“There's no time,” Tigris warned as she rushed away from the windows. “You and Katniss have to leave now.” 
You nodded and turned back to Finnick, “I'll be fine I just want to make sure that Wanda is taken care of just in case.” Finnick nodded as he agreed to ensure that Wanda was taken care of. 
“But you're going to come back, and you're going to take care of her yourself, okay?” Finnick encouraged as he hugged you. You closed your eyes as you stood in his arms before you stepped away and turned to see Katniss and Peeta saying their goodbyes. They shared a kiss and you looked away as you felt like you were imposing in a private moment. 
“Katniss, we better go,” you said as you put your hood over your head. She nodded as she stepped away from her twice faux husband. 
Together, the two of you walked out into the crowded street. You kept your head down enough to not get noticed but not so much to have your view obstructed. You and Katniss got pretty close to the gates, it made your heart pound so hard that you could hardly hear anything. But with each step closer, you grew more confident that you'd be able to pull this off. Then you saw Peacekeepers were pulling hoods down. In a panic, you and Katniss turned around only to find more soldiers pulling hoods down. So you both turned back towards the pit before the gate where they were separating children from their parents. 
You lost your confidence as you couldn't figure out where to go from there. You were both trapped. Then guns started firing. “It's the rebels!” Someone shouted and you pushed Katniss ahead of you to get her closer to the gates. Your hood fell and Peacekeepers charged towards you. With all of the innocent civilians around, you didn't want them to get caught in the crossfire so you dropped the rifle and pulled out the trident. 
You fought off the Peacekeepers as you saw rebel trucks rolling through the crowd. A small boy ran up to you and kicked you in the knee as you fought off Peacekeepers. The small distraction allowed a Peacekeeper to get the upper hand on you as he took your trident from you and tried to stab you through the chest with it. But because of the programming that Tony and Beetee did to the weapon, the blade disappeared before it could harm you and the part of the staff that he was holding heated until he dropped the weapon. You caught the trident as it fell and stabbed him through the chest. 
You pulled it out and rushed to find Katniss when everyone stopped as Capitol hovercrafts loomed over the pit of children and dropped parachutes as if they were gifts from sponsors. The children reached out to them in excitement. You had just found Katniss when the parachutes exploded. 
The two of you fell back and you hit your head hard on a broken piece of concrete. Everything went to black as you heard nothing but screams. 
When you woke up, you were in a hospital. It was white and bright. You'd been in there before but not in District 13. This was the hospital in the Capitol. Your heart picked up with fear until you realized that your hand was being held by Wanda as she slept in a chair by your bedside. 
Your heart rate on the monitor slowed down as you calmed. You wiggled your fingers to try and bring circulation back to them. As you did, you felt the familiar shape of your medallion pressing against the palm of your hand. Wanda sat up as she felt you move. “Oh thank goodness!” She cheered as she finally saw your eyes open. She leaned in and kissed on the mouth then she leaned her forehead against yours with closed eyes. “You came back to me,” she whispered. 
“I promised, didn't I?” You replied with a raspy voice. 
She laughed through the tears that started to fall in her relief. “You can't make that promise again because you're never leaving my side again. Do you hear me? Never,” she demanded as she pulled back to look at you. Her eyes danced as they scanned your features. “Our child needs you almost as much as I do,” she said in a broken whisper. 
“Our what?” Your eyes widened at the news and then it clicked for you. That's the condition she was in that she couldn't leave Thirteen on assignment for. Wanda nodded as she wiped her tears. 
“We can talk more after the doctor sees you,” she said as she hit a button on the wall. You couldn't believe the news. You couldn't believe that the rebels had won. You had no idea that when you were knocked out by the concrete that you would be waking up in a new and free world. It was not how you saw the war ending, but you didn't mind. You were happy it was over.
The rebels won but President Coin didn't. She wanted to implement a version of the Hunger Games with only Capitol children. Any child born in the Capitol or from a female Capitol citizen would be eligible in the first reaping. First. That word led you to believe that there would be future games. That made your future child eligible. You voted against it. But unfortunately, the votes for it outweighed those against. You hadn't realized that Katniss was angry about the loss of her sister until you heard about Prim’s death. 
Then at the ceremony where she was supposed to shoot President Snow with an arrow, her aim went a bit higher and instead pierced President Coin in the heart with her arrow. A rush of people fled towards the stage to aid Coin as she fell to the front of it. Snow laughed himself to death as he choked on his own blood. Katniss was about to eat a nightlock pill before Peeta took it from her. She was then taken into custody. You couldn't see her for days while a committee discussed her fate. 
You did speak to her character when the committee brought you in for questioning. In the footage of the day, they caught a moment between the two of you when she looked at you and you looked away with a disappointed expression. They used that to accuse you of knowing that she planned on killing the president. You revealed Coin’s shocking plans for the future Capitol Games. You didn't go into the details of the disagreement, you only revealed that there was one. 
She was sent to District 12 on conditions that you weren't clear on because they were highly confidential. But there were rumors. When you got the chance, you visited her to find out what she was thinking when she voted to have a new version of the Hunger Games and what she was thinking when she shot Coin instead of Snow. You had so many questions for her. But, when you found her in her home you decided that it didn't matter what her motivations were. She was lost in her grief. Peeta lived in the home he was awarded after their games and he said that he checked on her when she allowed it but there wasn't much else he could do for her other than keep her alive until she was ready to live again. 
You thanked him and offered your support whenever he or she needed it. Then you returned to District 4. There, you and Wanda were helping the district rebuild. She loved it in the district more than either of you thought she would. She was able to bond with the community better than she did when she was in the Capitol. Even her twin brother, Pietro, found a life for himself in District 4. 
The two of you didn't marry until after the baby was born. Well, babies. Wanda gave birth to Tommy and Billy in the new District 4 hospital that you helped build with a team of men and women and other non-gender conforming persons. They were the first boys to be born in the new world. The first baby to be born after the war was over was a girl. She was born a couple of months before the twins were born. 
You cried as you held your sons in your arms. Not only because there were so many close calls that almost prevented you from experiencing the moment. But because without the war, without the games, without all of the hardships, those boys wouldn't exist.  You never thought that you'd ever be grateful for the suffering you endure until you held your boys and thought of them as the reward. 
For the wedding Pietro and Johanna each carried one of the babies. Johanna was your best woman and Pietro was Wanda’s man of honor. Each baby had a ring that was attached to a pillow. Finnick officiated the ceremony. Many were in attendance, including a much healthier Katniss and Peeta. You attended their own private wedding ceremony a few years later. Surprisingly, a sober Haymitch Abernathy with a ring on his marital finger and a smile as he sat next to his wife, Effie Trinket. She didn't think Effie Abernathy had the same ring to it. Your wedding wasn't televised and you were grateful for the privacy as you and Wanda celebrated the union with the people that mattered in your lives. It wasn't a show for strangers to tune into or to be inspired by. It was just a fun night that celebrated love. 
Life was good.
But life wasn't good throughout the entire country. There were still people that weren't entirely happy with the changes that were being implemented. People were losing jobs. Not everyone had a home to return to and those that did had expected an upgrade for their troubles. Things weren't moving at the pace that everyone wanted. You carried a guilt for having such a peaceful life that you chose to get involved in anyway that you could.
“I have to go to the Capitol next week,” you sighed as you told Wanda with a frown while you laid with her in bed. 
“What for?” She asked as she sat up. 
“I have to meet with the head of the housing department to discuss a few things and offer my help,” you stated vaguely, you were tired and comfortable. You hardly had the energy to go into detail. 
“You have to be careful when you're there, I've heard that crime rates are high right now,” Wanda warned as she settled back against you. “Apparently there’s a group of former Peacekeepers that weren't too happy about losing their positions of power. They've been targeting people from the districts that live in or even visit the Capitol.”
“Please, I've survived an arena and a rebellion. I can handle a bunch of bigots,” you muttered. “But I hear you,” you kissed her cheek. “I'll be careful,” you promised with your eyes closed. “I love you,” you whispered as you started to fall asleep. 
Visiting the Capitol opened your eyes to how bad things had gotten there. It wasn’t the lively city it once was. It looked like any other district before the rebellion and before the rebuilds and renovations. You only saw so much from the back window of the vehicle you were being driven in. But it was more than enough to get your guard up. Your meeting went well with the woman in charge of the housing and other restorations throughout the districts. She was very receptive to your idea’s on the kinds of houses that people should be living in as well as the kinds of fundraising efforts that can be done and the jobs that could be made in each district. She loved the proposal you had put together and when the meeting was over, she invited you out to celebrate. You should have declined but you knew how important networking was for the project. She brought you to one of the more high end bars in the Capitol. The buildings that surrounded the bar were covered in tags and there were tents for the homeless across the street. You couldn't believe it had gotten so bad. 
As you celebrated with the woman, she introduced you to prospective investors. You chatted with many people throughout the night until you were ready to leave. But when you stepped out, the car you called for wasn't there. You looked around confused and that's when someone snuck behind you and pulled a sack over your head. 
You fought against them but more people came along. You couldn't see which made it difficult to tell how many people there were as you tried to fight them off without a weapon. Which one of them had. They hit the front of your knee hard enough to have you collapse to the ground. You were almost certain that they had shattered your kneecap. The group of them kicked and hit you from every direction until you stopped moving. 
Two of them lifted you up by your arms and dragged you to a truck. They drove you to the center of the city and strapped your wrists against the new Mockingjay statue. They burned the old Capitol emblem into your abdomen, then they left you to be found in the morning. 
By the time they brought you down from the statue, there was no saving you. 
Finnick found out from the news that morning. He ran over to your house to try and stop Wanda from turning on the television but he was too late. He walked into the home and found her screaming on the floor as her brother held her. The image of you hanging on the Mockingjay statue was still on the screen. Finnick dropped to his knees and cried into his hands. 
Johanna found out in the home of a woman she'd met the night before. She ran out and got on the first train to Four to find out if the broadcast was just a scare tactic. It was the only thing the news showed all day. But she kept telling herself that it didn't even look like you. That it had to be a fake doll or something. But when she got to Four and found the home of distraught loved ones, she had to accept what she refused to believe. You were gone for good. Your six-year-old boys ran up to her with scared and confused expressions. They didn't know yet. She took them to their room to distract them until she could find out what Wanda was planning to do. 
Peeta was in the hospital when he found out. He asked the nurse to shut off the broadcast while Katniss slept. He shed silent tears as he held their daughter. He was supposed to call you the day before to tell you the news but he thought it couldn't hurt to wait a day. He didn't inform Katniss of your brutal passing until she was discharged from the hospital the next day. She was furious about the delay. 
Haymitch read about the incident in the newspaper. He sat up in his lounge chair, getting ready to tell Effie but she walked into the living room with a tear streaked face and fell into his lap. The older couple held each other tight as they mourned the tragic loss of their friend. 
President Paylor wasn't putting up with the violence in the country from that point. It wasn't the way you imagined making a difference, but your death was not in vain. It opened the eyes to the public and to the government how society was failing. How things hadn't changed enough. Harsh laws were implemented to put a stop to the hate crimes that were being done throughout the country. Rewards were given to those that turned in the murders that committed the acts. It was a sort of witch hunt but the end result was a peaceful Panem. 
When it came to finding the group of people that murdered you, it took a couple years longer than your wife liked. There was a trial. And when they were appointed guilty, Wanda put in the request to be the one to take their lives. It was denied. She wasn't allowed to attend their execution. Finnick did, for her. She needed to hear that they were gone for good from someone she trusted. 
When he returned to Four that night, he confirmed that each of the people had been executed. Wanda broke down and cried in his arms because it didn't change anything for her. You were still gone. She was still angry. 
“You should have promised to come back to me,” she whispered to your grave stone as she kneeled in front of it. “You always came back when you made that promise.” She weaved your medallion between her fingers as she spoke. The action made her feel close to you. She watched you do it for many years. She thought she'd watch you do it for the rest of her life. Although you would have loved to have more time with her, you were grateful for the time that you did have with her. Because your death made a safer Panem for her and your loved ones. 
Though significant sacrifices were made, in the end, you wouldn’t have changed a single thing. 
Or would you?
The Tribute
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bananakeiky · 19 hours
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This isn't about Hoyo I just needed to vomit some AFTG thoughts into a public space and I just finished ToS and I'm rabid. I have no idea how many of y'all even read this series but spoilers. And trigger warnings. Anyways.
Okay what the fuck ever the thing about ToS isn't just about of the extra trigger warnings and things that made me wanna throw up and cry at the same time. It's about how horribly, tragically awful it is that Jean is full of so much love. He always has been. It's not just haha what a pansexual no. Jean craves affection so fucking much. He's weak to pretty people and devastated by kind people. He clung to Kevin. He clung to Renee. He even clung to Thea, who affectionately called him Paris as he trailed her like a little duckling. He spits and rages and claws at them all, calling them every rabid name in the dictionary and beyond. He has a laundry list of insults for Neil, who freed him, one of the only people he truly trusts. It's just that he never expects it back. He never wants it back because it hurts so much worse when it's gone. People hurt him when it's gone. He says "I can take it" and "this is normal" because he would burn if he couldn't.
This is why he rejects the Trojans. Every "don't you see" and "why do you look away" well-meaning but twice as hurtful because accepting it would mean Jean didn't hurt because he deserved it. Without that crutch it means he suffered for nothing. He hurt for nothing. Accepting it would mean that Jean would have to open up and fully comprehend the absolute horrors that were done not just to his life but to his personhood. To him. He was a child and a victim and he deserved to be saved and no one did. Not until it was too late. All of those years after being sold by his parents, yearning, aching to be loved by somebody and used as a toy and a scapegoat in return by anyone who touched him. Love is painful. Trust is painful. And Jean will love and love and love until it kills him and he knows it.
But this is why Kevin sent him to the Trojans. They may not understand survival and suffering the way the Foxes do, but they're genuine. They may be misguided with some of their efforts and need to take time learning how Jean works but they try and try and keep trying. They understand their own faults and healthy coping mechanisms and how to treat your worst enemies with respect. Hell, nearly the entirety of Jeremy's inner circle are in queer relationships with each other except for himself because he's too busy thinking about other people to work on himself. This is what Jean needs to learn, that people can give without asking for anything in return. That people can be selfless and care for one another without ulterior motives. That love is rainbows and breezes and open roads. That love can be healthy and beautiful and not cruel.
And list. I've been rooting for Jerejean for eight goddamn years. You have no idea how hard I fell when I realized that the ship that embodies the entire idea of healing, self-growth, and respect had been actualized and it's everything I ever wanted and more. The fact that Jeremy helps Jean buy his very first possession. The fact that he's so protective of Jean and thinks he's more important than exy, that Jean will be his success story. When he holds his hands and begs him to open up and backs off when Jean needs space, but never leaves and never gives up. How he spends so much time organizing people and schedules and events just so Jean can feel safe walking around campus. He never pushes too hard, but he never stops pushing. He's so patient. He wants Jean. He wants him so bad, but more than that, he wants Jean to love himself above all else. He's there when Jean has a panic attack at the pool, and sticks around as close as he can after Jean gets attacked. He stays up by the door all night when Jean goes out with Neil to an unknown location. All of this on top of revitalizing the Trojans, dealing with his shit family and the shittier rumors, having to train Jean out of killing his team and teaching his team to trust Jean in return.
Even after all of that his number one priority is always Jean, his head is filled with Jean, making the world comfortable and safe for Jean. It's making sure all of his friends know Jean. Never letting Jean be alone. Getting another twin bed so he can room with him. Always correcting himself, slowing down and speeding up so he can match Jean's pace. Fucking Barkbark. And yes, Renee could have done this too. She was the right person, and yes, the wrong time. But Jeremy found Jean at the right time, a time where he would dedicate everything to Jean. And if Jean one day turns around and wants to give that back, he'll be there, but he'll be just as happy knowing Jean is going to be okay.
ToS is a story about healing. It's about growth and battling the consequences of a life you did not choose. It's about unfairness. It's about what happens after a tragedy, and how to cope with yourself as much as you cope with the outside world. It's about becoming. It's about demons. It's about loyalty. It's about love. It's not about romance. Not yet. But it's about a romance that couldn't exist without it. It's setting up a story about someone who learns to accept that, tragically, he deserves to be treated with love and respect. And that he can still have it. That it's right there, waiting for him, when he's ready. He just has to reach out and take it.
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alchemania · 6 months
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Finally got enough energy to talk about Furina's SQ and while I loved her and the troupe, MC and Paimon were .... Not Great. I talked about this with friends but in Paimon's case especially, the way they interact with Furina feels like people who just don't understand trauma and depression and then engage with someone suffering from both in all the wrong ways.
Talking about how much of a downgrade her house is from the opera house, making fun of how she can't cook, pushing her to act when she's set a very clear boundary and then guilt tripping her after she's stuck to her guns, shaming her for not being able to fight well (Paimon literally talks about how second hand embarrassment is overwhelming and I'm just like ?????), telling her she's "not acting like herself" when she attempts to open up and be vulnerable....it's just really rough. That and the MC asking "is something wrong" when Furina gets sad over Poission ..like bro people died and she couldn't save them and she's tearing herself apart over it. Those people are never coming back and you know it and you have the gall to ask her is something wrong??? Of COURSE there is!!
It just feels especially odd because we literally get to see all of Furina's suffering and Paimon in particular is. SO mean? Like she was more understanding with Wanderer and Ei and THEY'VE tried to kill us multiple times!! I don't get it, and honestly I'm very proud of Furina for refusing to waver. Let her rest!! She's tired and depressed and she needs time to heal; and honestly fuck Paimon for trying to make her feel bad. Furina's worked harder than she EVER will.
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time-is-restored · 8 months
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btw not to make everything about My Fucking Guy but i honestly think one of the things that seperates q!phil out from the other islanders is the approach he takes to dealing with the lack of agency + control all the islanders have over whatever the fuck the federation's doing.
it shows up most prominently whenever tubbo is excitedly telling him about the 'progress' he's made with cucurucho or various investigations (ie: trapping him into a corner with the 'do you have free will' questions), and phil always shoots it down w an immediate 'that doesn't mean anything. curucuho will say anything to mess with you. you can't take anything he says as true.'
and it's not that phil is... a paticularly pessimistic character? he's just EXTREMELY practical. like, he's yet to give up on anyone EVER finding ANY answers (he was the one who initially gave the federation that one week ultimatum w the cage for a cage stream), he just doesn't trust the idea that curucuho is ever going to voluntarily give them. they're uncontrollable + senseless - you might as well argue with the weather.
and like, if that's how he sees the one (1) and only point of contact the islanders HAD with the federation for months, it explains a lot abt his characters lifestyle! ofc he sits on the wall all day, talking to his kids, and keeping his head down. he believes that the federation wants nothing more than to drag the islanders into sick games + tasks just so they can fuck with their head (ie: curucuho revealing he was the one cellbit gathered all that information for). and while he can't totally PREVENT any of that from ever impacting him, he can make sure his kids are well fed, well protected, and as happy + comfortable as he can manage. this is objectively not a perfect situation, there is a guaranteed amount of suffering + fear that he can't mitigate, but he can at least account for it.
like, he REFUSES to engage. whenever curucho shows up, he treats them with total ambivalence. he's not going to get riled up by anything they do, he's not going to get super attached to the guy, he's just gonna laugh it off and irish goodbye it when things drag on. the ONLY time he's strayed from that general guiding principle has been since he's lost his eggs, and can no longer afford to let the federation's fuckery go: those are his fucking kids.
hence the completely unprecedented levels of outward rage and sadness and terror he shows throughout the birdcage streams - almost all directed directly to cucurucho. it's all a completely fair + proportional response to the horror the islanders are being subjected to, but it feels so different bc until now, q!phil has been so dedicated to not reacting, and not giving the federation any sign that they're actually getting to him.
#qsmp#q!phil#LIKE. does anyone else think this! i genuinely believe its like one of the major#traits of his character i feel like u can trace it through Everything.#the man lives with the constant knowledge that sometimes all it takes is a tempting ravine and a badly timed creeper to end a life#whether that life belongs to a stranger or someone you love more than anything else in the world#you COULD rage against that. you could scream and shout and tear your hair out and grieve for the futility of it all#but what does that change? the days march on. death waits either way#and that's not to say he's a laizesfair kind of guy. anyone who's seen him stress out abt chayanne's risk taking + freak out#whenever his kids don't have enough autofeed grist can see that he cares DEEPLY. which resolves into his very distinctive#defensive + protective playstyle. the goal is not to win the fight the goal is to *survive* the fight etc#but the only way that mindset doesn't spill out into unchecked paranoia + complete agoraphobia is with acceptance#'shit happens: the philza minecraft story'#i also think it even manifests in the nightmare sequence w his last words to chayanne? 'they didn't want us to live. we were never supposed#to survive' or whatever the exact wording was#he is FURIOUS and deeply hurt and sad abt the deaths he says so explicitly later#but at the time the first thing he reaches for is. exhausted acceptance. it wasn't their fault. it wasn't his fault. they did their best.#they could only do so much in the face of the federation's Overwhelming Hostility. y'know?#mine
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arrgh-whatever · 4 months
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saw your post about tagging and warning and as someone who has to have a lot of things tagged, tagging "tw [word]" is much less helpful than tagging just the word. its become an issue to the point where instead of blocking, as an example "violence" you have to block "tw violence" "violence tw" "cw violence" "violence cw" and any variations where they might spell things out instead of using tw or cw not to mention the problem with people censoring the words so if you block the word it never gets filtered out bc the spelling is different. its much better to just use the word! and for a blog-wide warning, a pinned post outlining what you might post could be helpful!
got it! thank you :]
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Rosaria Champagne, “Law of the (Nameless) Father: Mary Shelley’s Mathilda and the Incest Taboo” // Star Trek: Deep Space 9, 2x22 “The Wire”
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Come on, you know you want to, give us the character bingo for Viktor.
don't mind if i doooo
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#ask me#okay there's a lot going on here but first things first#viktor has transcended the favorite character tier where I want to protect him or whatever#like yeah he did that shit! I support him but I also don't! the more trouble he gets himself into the happier I'll be!#do you feel me#like one of the things I love most about Viktor is that I feel so much sympathy for the circumstances he's in that are out of his control#but he has so much agency in his own story that everything he's gained and accomplished are because he makes choices#and GETS HIMSELF places#and now the same thing is happening with his BAD choices and I find that just as delightful if not moreso#he is the agent of his own salvation and his own destruction and I will be in the front row seat with popcorn for both or either#so writing him is mostly me studying him under the microscope poking him until he does something untoward it's very fun#I only hesitantly say that Viktor is like me but the Balkan ties and the grumpy-but-kind and obsessive personality#and the strong opinions about a chosen STEM field#are inescapable okay#mommy issues is not circled because I have mommy issues but bc I have convinced myself that Viktor WILL have them#if Nikola Tesla is anything to go by#the jayce-mel-viktor trifecta is ruled by mommy issues and i will stand by that claim#also viktor is more interesting with no therapy - with as little therapy as possible would be my preference#WITH THE EXCEPTION of the lonely genius shit that Singed planted in his head#that is absolutely the lie that Viktor believes that he MUST discard in order to progress as a character and I am excited for it#I genuinely think that Viktor will be happier and more eccentric as [REDACTED] but it won't last#he will hit a VERY LITERAL -if thy right hand offend thee cut it off- situation and then he'll have peace but he won't call it happiness#I can't say that I'd hate anyone who hurt him because that is half of why I'm excited for s2#but I will probably lose it at any scene where he loses to [REDACTED] for rivalry reasons#I genuinely do want to see Mel completely own his ass as [REDACTED] though like can you imagine the banter#and both of them secretly having fun with it
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dragon-tamer-1 · 1 month
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I want to be able to reblog people's art without having to worry about people's negative reactions when it's someone that a majority of people don't like, is that so much to ask?
Why must it be a problem if I like someone's art even if the person believes in something others don't? Why must people treat people like they're bad for liking someone's art and writing when others don't like that person because of their beliefs?
I'm just hanging out and reblogging art and writing that I find enjoyable. In the end that's just what I'm doing when I reblog stuff. Enjoying it. If it's something I don't enjoy/like to see, I just block the tag or, if it's a specific blog that I decided that I didn't enjoy and don't want to see I block that blog as well. Otherwise just vibing. I don't hate anyone that doesn't like someone else of course, but the way people talk about that one person, it's like they think it's the worst possible thing for someone to enjoy that person's art and writing. I just can't hate someone based on that person's beliefs, it just goes against my own personal beliefs, and I can't help that I still enjoy those things.
I try to keep the drama and stuff off my blog cause I'm not about that. And it shouldn't be treated like some kind of crime to still enjoy someone's art/writing/etc just because other people don't like that person, in my opinion.
#vent post#i only feel this way cause someone on anon asked why i still follow a certain person cause i reblogged that person's post updating their fic#and i think it's weird that if people don't like that person. then just don't like that person#i just enjoy the art and writing#i only see hate going to that person yet that person has never spread hate for anyone to anyone#i just want to reblog stuff without it becoming this big thing of drama#discourse tw#stop spreading hate and just move on#at this point it just seems like toxic behavior (not attacking anyone. just how it feels to me)#like i said you can freely dislike someone#its just that it seems controlling when you want others to think like you do and dislike who you dislike and congorm to your own beliefs#I'm just here to enjoy art and writing#regardless of who it's from#unless that person has legitimately hurt people#just block certain tags and the person you dislike and move on#i don't think anyone is bad for liking or disliking people for their own reasons and personal beliefs#i also just cant hate someone for their own beliefs. especially since they're not hurting anyone with those beliefs#sorry for the down mood#this whole thing is just tiring for me and i just want to enjoy the things i like without being all “man people are going to dislike me -#just because i still like the art/writing of someone that everyone around me dislikes. i just want to enjoy stuff why must it be such#a controversial thing to just like something “#can't we all just agree to disagree instead of being mean to someone who likes something /someone you don't?#liking and reblogging stuff that doesn't have any harmful stuff in it can't hurt anyone#i wish this stuff didn't make me feel as stressed as i did#I'll be fine#i just want to enjoy the art and stories that i came to love by the people who made them#regardless of their beliefs#cause i think that just because someone believes something doesn't make them a bad person for believing that
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katyspersonal · 4 months
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It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one
#/vent#personal#and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one#previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together#this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed#but again it got solved#I really want the power to move on without having a closure.#I hope I will be strong enough for it one day.#I just need to think..#I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats#(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going)#as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them#until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression#I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world.#I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally#I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I#it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth#and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them#so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change#maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess
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kastillia · 2 years
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I live.
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spocks-kaathyra · 1 month
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really nothing more detestable than a coward
#monumental vent post incoming don't read the tags if u don't want to 🫡🫡#about me to be clear. disgusted at this part of myself that I don't seem able to change at all#even ppl who do shitty things. at least they have confidence and intention and purpose. u can admire that#nothing lower than someone who harms others through inaction. someone who knows the right thing to do and can't bring themselves to do it#really subhuman in my cowardice. I don't think anyone has ever deserved respect less. I don't think anyone has ever been this useless#I contribute nothing to the lives of the ppl around me or to the world.#I could never be the hero of any story.#not suicidal but what is the point if I'm this useless. sure I can enjoy my life but I will never contribute anything to anyone else's life#I will never contribute anything of value to anyone's life. I will never be able to help in any meaningful way.#I can't even bring ppl the brief simple joy of laughter.#maybe that's why I like characters who were raised to be tools. at least they're given a purpose. a skill to hone. a cause to contribute to#even if it's like a bad evil cause that hurts them. at least they earn their existence somehow#I'm really like a waste of oxygen#ppl ask why we're here and I answer that I'm here to have fun. as if that's enough. is there anything more selfish than that#as if I've earned that. as if I've ever been anything but a burden on the ppl around me. ''I'm here to have fun'' god you're disgusting#I. enjoy my life. I just feel like I don't deserve to. I haven't earned it. I'm disgustingly useless#disclaimer I'm not suicidal and nothing really prompted this I've just been. thinking.#having new bad realizations. do u understand how privileged I am if I tell u I've never had these thoughts before#and I will think all this and continue to act as selfish and cowardly as I have always acted. I will continue to be paralyzed by inaction#nothing worse than someone who apologizes and then doesn't change their behavior#narcissus's echoes#vent
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