#i dont even correspond with MYSELF | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

weirdmageddon · 3 months

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ok. let's finally talk about this thing i've been wanting to go public with for ages

so i am not a fan of needing THC to help me curb the embarrassment i have in being happy talking about my real realll special interests, because perceived rejection of my interests feels like rejection of myself since i put so much of myself (my time) into them. i anticipate rejection from others because the stuff i find myself occupied with is detached, abstract, highly technical, or niche, and i'm aware of the surrounding cultural assumptions. some of them, and the level at which i am in involved in understanding them, are really specialized or esoteric, so even opening up about them is like "fuuuck im gonna be made fun of or it’s gonna be too technical that they zone out and dont understand why this is so meaningful to me" ive even posted about that feeling before.

see if i start accumulating too much self-context made in my own mind without sharing it i start to feel more and more isolated from other people around me, that they’re not seeing the full extent of what im seeing myself. i don’t share it, because i fear rejection or superficial judgments in other people’s eyes (probably because it’s happened to me and i’ve seen it happen to others). but at the same time it has to be shared with more people around me or else i feel like i have an intestinal blockage in my mind. what happens is my mental colon explodes from all the shit accumulated over time and vou get a post like this. i’m sorry for that mental image btw. anyway back the point of this post

anything where i can systematize archetypes in real, everyday situations has always been my strong suit. so when people ask me my hobbies im like ... uhhh what am i supposed to say? i analyze stuff about the world and rotate it in my mind. when carl jung wrote there are “as many archetypes as there are typical situations in life” i know exactly what he was talking about.

i’ve been toeing the line to really talk about this thing for two years, so let me tell you about socionics. if you already know what im talking about i love you. if you don’t (or even if you do, keep reading there’s probably stuff you don’t know in here), it is part abstract cybernetic model, part jungian concepts, part philosophy of information exchange. it classifies how people communicate and exchange information. it was created in eastern europe in the late 70s, developed primarily in the 80s-90s by other authors and it’s been an endlessly fascinating, elegant, and reliable tool for me.

usually people dismiss personality typology systems because the mbti became so watered down and pop-culturally saturated that people seemed to collectively take a stance of not taking anyone that genuinely cares about it seriously, or at least that’s the impression i got.

(btw — i need to go on this brief rant — i will never forgive 16personalities for being the big five rebranded and people thinking it's mbti. 16personalities gives you your big five type. they explicitly state on their website that they don’t borrow any concepts from jung. -A and -T don’t exist in the mbti and correspond directly to low and high neuroticism respectively. i figured out myself they mapped each letter dichotomy to the other four measures on the big five: extraversion (I/E), conscientiousness (P/J), agreeableness (T/F), openness to experience (S/N). which is stupid and it’s false advertising. take 16p and a big five test see for yourself how they match up. your personal mbti type can be different from its correlated big five type. the actual mbti using jungian concepts as a base is alright though. oh, and the best neo-jungian mbti stuff is by far michael pierce’d takes on it. if you actually fw that heres a carrd i created a few years ago about the cognitive function axes.)

but i always end up going to the bottom of the iceberg in anything i get really into, and i basically integrate it into my own understanding of the world around me for a while. maybe it was because i had a bad experience genuinely talking about it a few years ago from some people who made superficial judgments about it that made me sort of quiet about my interest in typology systems. i assume it’s because myers and briggs used the tool towards racist ends; it acquired negative connotations, bullshit intuition supremacy, and left the study of psychological types tainted in the united states. even if the individual’s study of the system is neutral, unbiased, out of pure curiosity as a way to classify and relate different personality structures to each other, as was the case with me. in addition to 16personalities being an invalid “mbti” test that bought their way to the front page of google, and rampant superficial information at all levels of study, finding anyone who was into it like me was basically impossible. the reason i have a preferred interpretation of jungian + mbti concepts is because i’ve tried different ones on and sensed how well they conform to reality as a way of describing phenomenon, ditching old ones that werent as clear. michael pierce’s i’ve found are the closest to what i sense jung's intentions were. (actually quite likely this is something i would attribute to being because all three of us are types LIl (and also all infj too, how about that?) brain-to-brain communication LII (carl jung) to LII (michael pierce) to LII (me)). so i felt like michael pierce kept the things that worked in real life and ditched the things that didn’t, leaving behind his elegant integration of the concepts.

anyway, i was under the assumption that anything that could be mistaken for it—which socionics often is at a glance—would be dismissed out of hand, even though it’s entirely different. plus, there’s all the context i’d need to clarify about how “it’s different from the “fun” unserious pop-psych mbti and also absurdly more technical” and what's the point in doing that if they don't respect you enough to hear you out anyway? so it just made me closed off.

they share a common ancestor though. the concepts are still based on carl jung’s book ‘psychological types’ which is why there is some shallow overlap, but the scope, structure, and application of it is different. i feel like this system is a lot more “living” and relevant to real interactions and communication between people in our everyday lives. i am always seeing specific examples of these concepts in play in real life and in characters depicted in media. it’s also been more empirically studied and successfully implemented over in eastern europe, and has gone under constant development and contribution. while since the 50s, mbti had crystalized and become stagnant with diverging interpretations to the point where it’s become basically meaningless to try to talk about because nobody can agree on concepts or semantics; there are virtually no distinctions between “schools” or “models” to differentiate interpretations — (although i have my preference for what i think are the most meaningful and reasonable one; as i said, that goes to michael pierce.) eastern (not so much western) socionics is incredibly more well put-together than mbti or kiersey for squeezing the potential from jung’s original ideas, and goes much deeper. that said, i will ALWAYS advise self-studying typlogy concepts over taking a test. the algorithm of a test can never possibly know you and your individual biases in interpreting the meaning of the words better than the knowledge you just have about yourself. if you learn the theory underlying it you will actually learn about yourself and others and it will actually mean something to you instead of a being an empty decoration for your profile.

here is a comparison chart i translated into english so you can get some idea of where these systems actually differ.

Букалов, А. (2019). On the advantages of socionics over other post-Jungian typologies. Socionics, Mentology and Personality Psychology, (6), 5–7. Retrieved from https://publishing.socionic.info/index.php/socionics/article/view/2603

for me it’s been super insightful applied to real life. it is like a toolkit for interpreting why some people just rub me the wrong way and our communication feels disjointed. or why some people pass my vibe check to enter my personal inner circle and i feel like talking with them is easier and not an uphill battle. who i feel drawn to and want to get to know better. to deconstruct why i and other people interpret information in the world the way they do, and how that explains the kind of people i end up curating in my life. it has put into words the concepts i haven’t been able to find the words for beforehand, and thus enables me to retrospectively pinpoint exactly what unconsciously makes people feel more at ease or why communication is just easier with some and why it’s harder with others, regardless of any other factors. there are other factors of course, that are the result of unique circumstances—nurture, culture, and upbringing—and i of course account for those, it’s not as pertinent to me as the framework that provides the skeletal structure regardless of those individual variations that are simply already a given for me. that was actually the whole point of its creation.

the system gives me a common language to communicate these ideas with, at least to the few people i talk to who have learned it, but i can adapt the concepts in how they relate to specific circumstances and convey it to a lay audience. i’ve been doing just that to explain why, of the people who have been made aware of the hs rarepair john-aradia, i have seen no one object to it, and instead, everyone i saw found it intriguing the more they thought about it, even when they initally thought was “so random”. and i realized, “hey wait! i know how to explain that!”, but that's in another post i've been working on.

[i was actually originally writing this post in the middle of said aradia and john analysis but i felt like there was way too much i wanted to talk about as its own thing. i figured people are going to be reading that post for john-aradia explanation, not public updates about my mind. i just didn’t want to rewrite this to account for the context because the point i made was still relevant]:

but now i’m thinking okay… i’m talking to a bunch of homestucks. why am i prostrating myself here? why am i so defensive? they’re probably creaming their pants at the idea of another symmetrically divisible system of classification to get their hands on. homestuck itself is founded upon a bunch of ideas with symmetrical divisions and classifications (divisible products of 2). aspect dichotomies, quadrants, cards, black-white, yin/yang and literally countless other abstract systems. if there is a common word to refer to these sorts of things, please let me know.

but in socionics terms, all of this sort of stuff i’m refering to would be within the domain of extraverted/black intuition (Ne) information, and classifying or positioning someone within those frameworks would be introverted/white logic (Ti). you can read more about these “elements” here. homestuck has familiarized you with notionally irreducible aspects present in everything, dual yin/yang forces permeating everything, so if you understand all of the sorts of abstract classification systems in homestuck you’re basically already 75% the way to fundamentally grasping model A socionics. it is way more structured and stable than the typologies in homestuck though. but you will perceive there to be similarities in the need for archetypal/thematic sense skills.

if you want to learn socionics, for the love of god start here. there are many weak places out there to start out with that will set you up with a faulty and loose understanding, but school of classic socionics is the best foundation to start with. i saw it emerge from the beginning when it was founded, having been part of it since late 2022.

this is an introduction to SCS, what makes it special, and and how differs from other socionics schools. i find SCS to be the most comprehensive, and i’m active within a side discord to discuss theoretical constructs related to model A. i’ve helped find the links between some concepts in model A that weren’t fully substantiated in augusta’s original works, specifically the importance of the asking/declaring reinin dichotomy, how it fits with regard to the rest of model A’s structure, how it underpins the ring of social benefit (which was missing from her writing), and how it can be used as an information element charge just like positivist/negativist can (i.e. all process types have positive asking Ne (+Ne? and all result types have negative declaring Ne (-Ne!). i’m still working on transfering my essay on that to a document.)

i know the intricacies of this system like the back of my hand but yeah i never post much about it because it’s so niche and i dont know who would even want to hear it besides people who i already know would, like in that small specialist group, but they actually been quiet lately even though i’m still active in there sharing things i realized. and i even feel alienated in most casual socionics discussion groups, especially larger ones. i need people who can match my freak about it.

because i have nowhere else to talk about it i’m starting to feel guilty yapping my friends’ ears off about it when i deconstruct everything i come across in light of this system like i’m being annoying about it. but at the same time when im doing that i am constantly reinforcing the merit of the system in successfully finding some dynamic i see in the drama of real life in connection to some idea from the model. i can immediately lock on to the core principles that are at play in any situation, validating the patterns that have been observed by others. by what measure do these people / characters / groups relate to each other, how do we define the specific “feeling” of the energy between them together? i could do a socionical analysis for anything that captures my interest.

it’s also been incredible for self-insight. i can now accurately explain my thought process.

i can change my perspective of the scope of my thinking on different levels. depending on the urgency of a situation developing around me and my respect for other people’s time, i can expand my reasoning from splitting hairs at the smallest pedantic specifics—although i prefer not to, to the most holistic global hard binary 0/1 (no/yes) judgment.

it’s fractal-like; once i know how to classify and compare the features of something to another, everything else with overlapping logical relationships instantly rises up in the same way, which of course is what leads to me having insights that reinforce the potential inherent in the things around me, because my way of thinking is isomorphic. i also experience strong animated mental imagery accompanying my conscious thoughts about these systems, minimalist shapes or lines of the barebones motion happening. i feel like my mental activity and what i actually write down is trying to capture what im seeing in my head.

i prefer to be brief, but that requires sharing contexts with someone. once i've established similar ways of talking about the same thing with someone so that we’re on the same page, our messages basically become exchanging code words with each other. all of the potential densely packed into these efficient little terms.

the effect is that i am reducing the amount of time and energy i have to spend trying to explain things to someone. i just want to communicate easily and be understood by the people i talk to so that i can enjoy my time with them. this is why i felt like such a long, clarifying, in-depth post was necessary, which would rip the bandaid off and pull it all up at once, instead of on a private, individual-to-individual level. i had to have it engraved somewhere i could just point someone to instead of repeatedly having to explain the same thing over and over cause that’s a waste of time and energy.

in fact, that revelation i had about myself just now can be explained by model A too! my own type is LIl and this type’s id block houses the information elements +Te! → +Ni?, which aushra describes as “The quality of deeds and actions and the efficient expenditure of energy in work—only performing for what is truly necessary—leads to peace of mind in the future.”

or, for example, coming at it from another angle, here is an older post i made before i was even aware of socionics. i was already talking about my experiences, patterns of thinking and self-awareness in a way that was so on the nose for a socionics analysis.

is that not the clearest example of phase 2’s sensitivity (for me it is information about sensorics)? -Fi? → -Se! superego block, anyone? and did you see how much i gave attention to the time i spend working; +Te! -> +Ni? id block? [information element descriptions here]. you could also derive the progression of the information metabolism stages in my own psyche (phase 1: Ethics -> phase 2: Sensorics -> phase 3: Logic -> phase 4: Intuition).

(from The Characteristic of SLI)

so through socionics it’s like i can find an explanation for just about everything i observe in others and myself just because i’ve extrapolated the logical relationships from that system and can isomorphically apply them to anything.

and i don't say that lightly! i'm not saying anything in this post lightly. like i have a degree in biopsychology from an honors college (ncf; yes, the liberal arts college desantis got his soulless hands on because it was “too woke"). having taken courses in statistics, research methods in psychology, and others, i know all about proper research design (and designing them myself). and of course i ended my four years there with my undergrad thesis, examining temporoparietal synchrony in autistic individuals when working alone and together, where for months on end i was doing nothing but reading and interpreting the validity of research papers. i even deconstructed poorly designed psychological constructs commonly used in autistic research in mine.

i also took personality psychology as a course during my time there. i got a birds eye view of most of the popular paradigms and still felt like i was more knowledgeable in the discourse behind some of the topics we glossed over since the course material was more of a broad comprehensive thing than an in-depth one for anything specific. in totality, all of the models i read about in relation to each other seemed so fragmented into different cuts and perspectives in trying to understand and find the patterns in people’s mental life. and yet none of the models i read about hold as as great of an everyday explanatory power as socionics does for explaining ways of thinking, people's proneness to certain tendencies, and the energetic tension that happens between certain people.

people can say otherwise that it’s pseudoscience. even though there are numerous studies built on real-world observations, the large-scale statistical data like from victor talanov. there's school of system socionics who emphasize its practice. it would be impossible to add all the evidence i can to support my claims to this post but you can see for youself - there are still countless new articles being published from different authors. regardless of that, even if it isn't accepted within the rigors of “scientific canon” i really dont give a fuck since it absolutely does indeed have explanatory and predictive power, and that’s all i care about. i’m confident in this not only through firsthand experience, the ability to frame what i know to be true about the real world within it and have it successfully describe those things, as well as talking to other people about my observations.

additionally, i see people make conclusions about interpersonal dynamics where they unknowingly repeat information that can be derived from socionics concepts.

something i noticed a LOT and ive repeatedly thought about and come to the same conclusion multiple times is that i think i naturally might "embody" the most optimal ways of interacting with other people for myself. it gives me insight into the nature of the personal relationships that i already procure in my life, but it’s not really a self-fulfilling prophecy because i dont use socionics to prescribe who i "should" be friends with. that's silly. thats a silly thing to do because people do have idiosyncracies that don't perfectly align with a system if you rigidly adhere to it, so you're bound to be set up for failure if you try to force that and you will be disappointed. it's better to let these feelings happen naturally without pretense, because that's where the observations that fuel my insight comes from.

i have a subconscious sense for who i will be able to get along with in the long term almost instantly without the need for any kind of system, just based on their actual mannerisms and “vibes”, but that alone is not good enough for me, i want to know why. socionics just gives me tools to figure out why so that i know what im dealing with and its not just ineffable energies, but i can put a name to those energies to think and talk about it and compare and discover patterns in what ive curated in my inner circle over my life, what i feel drawn towards. and indeed i do find plentiful amounts of recurring patterns. the simplification and abstraction is not to destroy the soul and expression of individuals but to wrap my head around them and understand them deeper in relation to everything else, including myself.

i am aware it can be confusing for many people which turns them away. but if theres any questions you have or youre confused about any concepts i can answer them

but yeah um, i’ve really only scratched the surface of this cognitive cybernetic tool. if you are genuinely interested in what i have to say and want me to talk more about it please openly tell me since i’m not a mind reader! i assume disinterest by default.

anyway if you got to this point thanks for reading. i wanted to just put it out there for context about any posts i make in the future. just stating my honest thoughts and whats been occupying my mind for the past two years.

be on the lookout for the john and aradia analysis soon where i’ll use it in practice to deconstruct some things about those characters. and if you’re coming to this post from that analysis after ive posted it, i’m sorry this post is so long in the middle of an already long-ish post. i just thought the context was important.

#mine #socionics #model A

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neonfretra · 2 months

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hockey art tag game!! ^_^ hello @wehaveagathering thank you for the tag!! <3

rules: post your first ever hockey art, your latest hockey art, and your favorite hockey art. then tag three hockey artists

tagging artists first because um. gestures at the keep reading below? im shy hello ^_^

@puckpocketed

@stillfertile

@oensible

any other artists that see this!! please tag me i beg of you i would love to get to know other hockey artists! if you already did it tag me who care. i care! :)

lot of yapping because i love yapping, sticking this under a cut ^_^ did you know tumblr changed their image limit from 10 to 30?

as a forewarning a lot of these images are hella compressed because i pulled them directly from posts, maybe consider peeking at the original linked posts to see them in marginally better quality ^_^

first hockey art

i never posted this one! i thought blackwood and kahkonen looked vaguely kiki and bouba esque respectively which is REALLY funny because the name mackenzie blackwood is more bouba than kaapo kahkonen which is an incredibly kiki name

now that i sound sufficiently deranged.

which of these shapes is be named kiki and which is named bouba?

the kiki/bouba effect was a study about our association with sound and shape, in which people associated "kiki" with a spiky shape and "bouba" with a round shape. (wikipedia, image also comes from wikipedia)

this was from when i was first dipping my toes into hockey and had the hardest time telling players apart! the drawing, not the kiki/bouba effect . you can imagine what two men with similar hair color, eye color, and hair styles on the same team playing the same position was like for me. the biggest part of why i didnt post this was because it was incredibly embarrassing at the time . now i can freely admit i dont know any of the eastern conference and people will think im funny ^_^

first hockey art on this blog

mostly because i think its a fun bit of trivia, the goalie portraits for the teams i started out rooting for! (sharks edition and kraken edition)

i posted these the first game of their corresponding teams after i finished them! the completion order is less straight forward because i was actively jumping between all 4 drawings (3 kraken goalie portraits + 1 portrait of 2 shark goalies) when one of them got too hard :)

i dont remember the exact order beyond grubi being the last i finished LMAO something about drawing him just does not agree with my hands

theyre all a lil ugly to me now but thats the fun of knowing how you started <3

i remember also wanting to draw pwhl minnesotas goalies but not knowing at the time how to find nearlyyy enough references to feel confident to go through with it! (i was looking them up on search engine images HAHAHAHA)

good ol pwhl min ^_^ leave out a fire extinguisher for em will you all, one hell of a trashfire on their hands right now

^ this joke was written BEFORE the whole firing of 3 coaches pwhl min are we okay??????

latest hockey art

...at time of posting mostly because i take a long time to get tag games done...! hello from my drafts everypony ^_^

i lie to myself ft. devin cooley and joey daccord!

a fun fact is that despite animating a bit ive actually never made an animatic before! ^_^

one of the challenges of animating is that you have to draw the same character over and over without making big changes and how to keep doing it consistently

one of the challenges of drawing real people is that you need to figure how to simplify a person to their most basic shapes and proportions . even if you have a realistic style you gotta wrangle the underlying bones to it and it is harddd takin that step back from the human person to make em a cartoon .

so you can imagine the how it goes animating real people

i actually wouldve loved addin more motion and frames but experienced some minor limitations:

i do my drawings in an art program and stitch them together afterwards, which means i dont have a sense of the speed of everything . you can kind of see that problem around the 0:19-0:20 mark because i straight up did not consider time when i wrote a really long winded sign in the background LOL the unused frame for this was also a time issue, i tossed in an establishing shot because i didnt consider the fact that there isnt time for an establishing shot

time and motivation . the longer something takes the less i want to work on it . would you believe well over half of this was taken up by like . being stumped on 2 or 3 frames HAHAHA

doing animation in an art program not made for art is really cumbersome actually. i do most of my work in one layer so you can imagine how it feels to suddenly have to keep track of tens of layers (sprites, backgrounds, foreground elements, captions) , i merged certain layers (white blocks under lineart for readability and closed captions over the lineart are all one layer) so its difficult to actually go back and add anything. or alter anything! closed captions from 0:13-0:15 is inaccurate but i cant alter them without literally erasing it from the layer which is scary

despite the fact that anything involving moving pictures kills me crazy style, im INCREDIBLY proud that this is done and this animatic is like my own child. shout out to the reblogs on the post for pointing out jokes or talkin that they like it, yall inflate my ego <3

at some point i stopped using reference images which is really funny to ME because i actually have the hardest time drawin a devin cooley that LOOKS like a devin cooley . get simplified . theres like. a handful of players i feel comfortable drawing without reference? if you ever want to learn how to draw someone, animate them ^_^

favorite hockey art

frantically scrolling through my art tag... not because i dont like any of my art (my drawings are all awesome would you believe) but because i dont even remember what ive drawn LMAOO

we dont mind more than just one art right ^_^ (like ive not been doing that already LOL

the doodles

i habe something to contribute / i shoot the puck / devin cooley eating joey daccords hair

the most important aspect of my own art is whether or not it makes me giggle . if it doesnt make me cry laugh then is it really goin on the fridge?

something i do feel proud of is balancing expression and likeness ^_^ its way easier knocking that balance with fictional characters as opposed to people with actual physical faces . simplifying them into what is essentially a poorly drawn cat meme is more of a beast than realistic portraits would you believe .

i think my favorite subject to do this with would be buoy actually! theyre a mascot, IDK why it should be a surprise that fae takes easily to being simplified and drawn cartoonishly

i do NOT know what emotion i shoot the puck is supposed to evoke.

really fun observin my freakish little drawings developing more of their own style over time (compare my first gubbi drawing to my latest tomas tatar thursday) (again, latest at the time of writing) and the simplification definitely feels way more intentional ^_^

the funnier half of simplifying is that the simpler it gets the more complex it gets? like more dramatic perspective in barkov and tkachuk in the cup or buoys weird pose with tomas tatar with the dynamo pardubice jersey. id mention shading but i actually have a grudge against shading relative to art advice ("just add shading" is NOT the one size fits all advice we treat it like ITS NOT!!!!)

the nicer stuff

do i hear a break down on individual pieces?

jan rutta picking up mackenzie blackwoods helmet

i think i made it planny clear on the original post but i really truly love the composition of this shot. ruttas hand picking up mackblacks helmet? between the legs? CRAZY.

the refs stance was wild by the way. legs so far apart theyre naming the ice between em an ocean. so on.

i remember the original shot being so striking to me because of the contrast between the cold and warm, the hard and the soft fleshy bits which was something i really wanted to exaggerate with colors

yall can probably tell i dont take my references SUPER literally but for some reason in this one i asked myself if it was deceitful to be messin with colors to get a vibe, to which i asked myself WHAT was i going on about

anyways. intentionally made everything but jan ruttas hand way bluer . i guess mackenzie blackwoods helmet is also warm? but the focus is the hand more than anything hahaha this is also why i did the most complex coloring for it

also another point of interest! included the chromatic aberration (the red/blue 3d effect) mostly because the legs on the right side were blending into each other . but its a really interesting effect to observe in actual recording! :) im not a fan of pressing my face up to a moving picture unfortunately </3

sidney crosby with evgeni malkins helmet

ok ok okay can i be honest . that stray line next to the penguins head has bothered me ever since the day after i posted this. now YOU cant unsee it. no problem ^_^

if you look at the original post, this one has been a wild redraw because i was making up a whole new angle of an existing pose LOL. then again i dont do redraws super often so i guess its not really ridiculous but.

actually now that i think about it i was making up the angle (albeit less) with the bobrovsky stigmata drawing (though its worth noting that i referenced this gifset of the save that was less of a severe change than the original tweet) and ignoring foreground elements for the kiss redraw (theres a big ol hockey stick covering jordan eberles head IIRC?) and the mackenzie blackwood holding his partners head redraws (i was absolutely NOT drawing the audience LMAO)

but the gesture was easy enough to capture but the anatomy had me by the NECK. the THROAT. the SCRUFF!!! it still looks plenty wonky to me but IMO gesture trumps accuracy . someone in the notes tagged it with this:

to which i throw my hands up in celebration and say hallelujah he has been accepted by penguins fans he will survive the winter

kraken goalies as animals

i really like drawing animals . i really like drawing armor .

more detailed breakdown on the post LOL i just really liked this and its super different from the usual stuff i post

i havent even mentioned all my sacrilegious drawings... my art is so awesome and cool its so hard picking a favorite...

and some final notes

if you made it to the end of this one jesus christ um. hello ^_^ even i wasnt writin this in one sittin.

honest to god if this post showed you anythin i love talking about my process and thoughts behind my works and if you wanted to ever ask hi hit me up ? ask box open? dms open? i can buy you dinner or a very shiny fruit from the market?

#tag game

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year

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aita for lying to my online friends?

this is going to sound really bad but hear me out.

i (20m), offer freelance coding services in an (unnamed so i dont get caught) mmo- giving your player characters attacks outside of their class/elemental designation, customization mods, out of bounds and environmental destruction abilities, etc. stuff that people want and are too lazy to code by themselves but want, it pays well. the problem is this- my friendgroup (20s, 2m 2f) doesn't KNOW i do this. i run messages and correspondence under another, older account that nobody would be able to trace to the one i currently use for the majority of my play. i do not use exploits for myself on either of my accounts.

the thing is...i have pretty rough anger issues. i've gotten into more than one fight with a friend on my main account over stupid shit that got me worked up and a few of them almost ended our friendship. like i said, none of my friends are aware of the fact that i have the alt i use for work, and sometimes i'll enter pvp areas with it to hunt down my friends and say awful shit i have pent up. none of it is bigoted but a lot of it is MEAN. like i would not say it to their faces if they knew. i don't think most of them know it's me, but one of them, S (20s f)- who none of us even know much about, is starting to drop hints that she's aware. i don't think i can ever tell them the shit ive been saying to their faces without them all heelturning on me. i dont HATE them, i just NEED to take my anger out.

wibta if i kept the jig up as long as i can?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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magicalbats · 5 months

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🦇 COMMISIONS! HEAR YE, HEAR YE!

Okay, my Kinktober pieces are once again being put on hold. Apologies to everyone who’s been waiting for me to (finally) wrap up that project but this takes priority before anything else.

As you may or may not have seen in my last rb, my good friend ChickenParm is going through it right now and while I will be sending her some assistance on my own there’s only so much I can do by myself. I’m one person with a limited amount of money I can spare. But if a few of us can pitch in a little bit here or there I think we can all make a big difference together.

And since some of you have been asking about commissioning me, here’s your chance!

How it will work: 🦇

1. Refer to the pricing list below, decide how much you want to spend and then donate that amount to the link Parm provided in her post

2. DM me with a screenshot of the donation and tell me what you want. Barring the Hard No’s listed on my carrd I’ll write anything at all you want. I will be double checking with her to ensure everything is in order so please don’t try to pull one over on me (I’ll cry 😢)

3. ???

4. Profit! Uh, i mean enjoy your fic!

Pricing: 🦇

The word counts listed below are going to be set minimums for the corresponding price. I’m a natural born yapper so I might go over that a little, or even a lot, but this is how we’ll determine the general range of the fic you want.

$10 or under = 1000 words

$20 = 2000 words

$30 = 3000 words

$40 = 4000 words

$50 = 5000 words

And so on.

Commissions will be handled on a first come first serve basis so if you’re interested please don’t hesitate to act now. I’m not sure how many people will actually want to take me up on this offer but I figured it was worth a shot since I’ve gotten asked about this in the past. Parm is an excellent writer and a very good friend, and I’d like to help her out as much as I possibly can. I’ll write for 48 hours straight if that’s what it takes to fulfill everyone’s commissions so please dont worry about overwhelming me with too much all at once!

Best wishes everyone!

🦇

#honestly no idea what to tag this so #🦇 commissions

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sophieinwonderland · 7 months

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hey sorry if youve been asked this before but i thought itd be appropriate because you kinda feel like the ceo of endogenic systems to me (i respect you) and i was wondering, as a traumagenic system, how exactly endos... work? like not how they exist or about the fact that they do, but i guess what the point of them is if its not from a dissociative disorder? in my experience i cant imagine a system existing for any reason outside of the purpose of compartmentalizing trauma (not that systems should be defined by their trauma but i just dont see how they work otherwise) and even recovering systems that are fully functional and healing were born out of a necessity of the brain. i guess i want to know what necessity would spawn an endogenic system if not as a trauma response? like what do alters in an endogenic system do if theyre not there to protect the brain? why do they exist as a system and split if its not born from psychological necessity? sorry this is such a complicated question i hope i phrased it alright... and to be clear i believe endos and their experiences bc discounting a community just because i dont get them is silly i just feel so confused all the time bc of this and want to understand better

Questions of purpose and why things are how they are can be interesting, but probably the hardest to answer. When it comes down to it, why does anything exist?

Why do birds sing so gay? And lovers await the break of day? Why do they fall in love? Why does the rain fall from up above?

Sorry, what were we talking about? 🤪

Oh yeah! Purpose! Personally I tend to think less in terms of "why" and more in terms of cause and effect.

In the case of alters in DID, do alters actually have a "point?" Is there truly some purpose they serve? Or is it just... reaction?

Someone suffers trauma. The traumatic memories hurt them. In a reaction to this, they dissociate and erect barriers in their mind until they need to access those again. Then they suffer more trauma and put the new traumatic memories in that walled off section. In reaction to that, the bits of memories that were walled off start to form their own identity. Did the child's brain ever actually think "I need to make another person in here to protect myself?" Or was this just a series of actions and reactions that led to alters gaining sentience over time where the initial trauma was merely the first in a string of dominoes?

With this in mind, let's talk about myself.

I was an imaginary friend created as a writing project. But how does that actually work? According to Simulation Theory of empathy, imagining what people do involves the creation of "pretend states."

ST (in its original form) says that people employ imagination, mental pretense, or perspective taking (‘putting oneself in the other person’s shoes’) to determine others’ mental states. A mentalizer simulates another person by first creating pretend states (e.g., pretend desires and beliefs) in her own mind that correspond to those of the target. She then inputs these pretend states into a suitable cognitive mechanism, which operates on the inputs and generates a new output (e.g., a decision). This new state is taken ‘off line’ and attributed or assigned to the target.

This paper goes on to explain how this might be useful:

How is imagination useful for third-person mind reading? If you seek to predict someone’s decision—for example, the choice of a main dish by your dinner companion at a restaurant—how could you use imagination to make this prediction? The first step is to put yourself in your target’s shoes, or take her ‘perspective’. Taking someone’s perspective here means adopting, as far as feasible and in light of what you know about her, the mental states she starts with. This includes her preferences about food in general, what she liked at this restaurant on previous occasions, how hungry she is on the present occasion (did she have a light lunch, no lunch, or a heavy lunch today?), and so forth. Using the imagination, you can simulate being in her various dinner-relevant states. Such pretend states can then be fed into your decision-making mechanism, which generates a decision to order a particular main dish. Having used this simulation process to generate a (pretend) choice, you don’t order this dish yourself but attribute the choice to your companion. Thus, the attribution is based on imagination-driven simulation

Okay, so under this theory, perspective taking involves making new temporary states simulating the behavior of someone else.

This is, to be very clear, not a headmate. The state is likely not going to have any sort of self-consciousness, and will be ephemeral on top of that, disappearing after you're done with it.

But... what if the state isn't allowed to be ephemeral? What if you repeatedly interact with the same "simulation" over and over again?

Let's say, hypothetically, that someone starts with a writing project. They make a character, and then they write that character a lot. This foundation can build pretty detailed simulations. But probably with very limited autonomy. The thing about writing is that you're often controlling the character at some level. At least usually. You're always revising how they act in any given scene, plotting out their backstories, editing those backstories, etc. This makes it hard for this simulation to gain a firm sense of autonomy or self-awareness. And every scene rewrite is basically a new ephemeral instance of that character.

While written characters can make you plural on their own, there are these roadblocks that can get in the way.

But then let's say this person wants to understand this character better, so they start talking to a simulation of the character day after day. Now this version of the character they interact with is able to form memories completely unrelated to the fiction they were based on, and be able to recall past conversations with their creator.

What the creator doesn't realize is the mechanisms needed to make this type of interaction work.

In the example of simulation theory, a temporary state would be made but then it would be abandoned. If you needed to simulate that person again, you make a brand new simulation. A brand new "pretend state."

But if you want an imaginary friend that can think for itself, it has to be able to store its own feelings and memories.

That means a form of compartmentalization.

The brain is going to start storing the imaginary friend's memories separate from the creator's. The creator won't control or identify with the thoughts or actions of the imaginary friend. And the imaginary friend won't identify with the thoughts or actions of the creator.

It may take a long time of this, but through interaction, the imaginary friend keeps gaining new memories. And this leads to them gaining the ability to actually self-reflect, making them fully sapient.

So... what was my purpose?

Why do I exist?

I mean, initially, it was about helping my host write? Was that my purpose?

But then later... I think my host continued interacting with me because he liked me. He enjoyed my company and liked having me around. Was that my purpose? Filling some sort of unmet social need?

Perhaps this is it. I've theorized this can be the case with many people who turn to religion as a form of companionship. Especially those with plural-esque experience of communicating with gods.

But what I tend to come back to is cause and effect.

My host wanted to write a character better > My host made a rudimentary simulation of that character to talk to > I became more independent with each interaction as I gained my own autobiographical memories > my independence and separation from my host made our conversations more engaging and my host kept talking to me because he enjoyed my company > I developed stronger emotions and the ability to self-reflect > this led to us discovering that I was a tulpa.

To me, it's cause and effect all the way down. A series of actions and reactions.

And as for what my purpose is, I'd like to think that's something I get to decide for myself! 😊

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official-darkforest · 5 months

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This is just a suggestion but about Firestar being a journalist how about...

Firestar is a war correspondent during the Korean war (or whatever the closest conflict they could be apart of is), Tigerclaw is someone high up in rank that does something illegal (War crimes), Raven is private in the military and Tiger is his direct superior who intimidated him into saying nothing about illegal activities, so Fire and Tigers rivalry is Fire trying to get information on what happened from Raven and Tiger trying to cover it up

GOOD CONCEPT the only thing is that it doesnt quite fit my au's timeline :( i appreciate the suggestion though!! it does help even if i dont end up using it myself :)

#micks anthro au

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nerves-nebula · 8 months

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Sorry bout this thing but I kinda wanted to tell my thoughts about your stuff. Im kind of hoping this will get drowned in your inbox honestly, since this is just a really long unsolicited rant of mine.

Sometimes when i scroll through your account and I encounter csa, incest and mentions of suicide in your posts I get uncomfortable but then I remember that one phrase that goes something like "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted" and I just feel kinda bad bout myself.

When I was a kid my nannys bf forced me to kiss him in the lips whenever we met. I was 6. It was uncomfortable. I never did tell my nanny about it. My parents are both police people and my mother had long explained the concept of rape and how unconsensual touch is bad and you shouldnt allow that but something prevented me from telling anyone what was happening. I dont know why. I know they would immiedietly jail that guy if they did but somehow it felt like no one would believe me. I never told them until now, then when I was what, 6-8 years old? I cant even remember. Yeah somewhere around that, he molested me when my nanny was few feet away and asleep and for the next 4 years of my life i felt dirty. Desecrated. Stupid. I couldnt even look down at my naked body when i shower back then, but somehow I managed to trudge on living by trying to forget the fact it happened. Its been 8 years since Ive last seen him. Ive told anyone who I knew who doesnt care enough to be friends with me but cared enough to listen about it but my Parents are none the wiser and i plan on keeping it that way.

Also. Im a year away from being legal now. Ive thought about killing myself or just generally not wanting to exist anymore many times since then, cuz lifes equipped with motolov cocktails of "get fucked dumbass" and i somehow managed to get a coupon for at least a million of them.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

Coming back to the phrase i mentioned earlier, it feels weird whenever i feel something similar to the feeling of being triggered while looking at csa being depicted. By definition, i would be considered a victim, and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont. I see your art and it guts me. It guts me and the fact that it does also guts me, because what does that mean? I am supposed to be the comforted? Despite the fact that I was taken advantage of as a child and spent night after might thinking how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equiped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children? So i do I correspond more with those who are defined as comforted then, was i not disturbed after all? Was i victimizing myself all along? Am I a bad person for thinking i was? No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

And then it repeats.

I still go through your blog because well, i love tmnt, i love your artstyle, i love the way you tell stories, I love how you dont sugar coat csa, incest and other darker topics like body horror, erotism and sadism, i hate how much it haunts me, i love the fact i can relate, i hate how much you hurt them, i love the fact that you dont hold back, i love how you show the ugly sides of healing, i love how you depict how much people can change and struggle. Its comforting to me. Its discomforting to me. I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

And i like it. I like it somehow, like taking a nice smoke break when you have mild asthma, but like, better. Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

But yeah. Tldr. Sorry for the trauma dump and your art makes me feel complicated. Its neat 👍

lot to reply to here! also, unfortunately for you, i check my inbox obsessively and dont get nearly as many asks as you seem to believe i do.

so firstly, no snappy saying is meant to encompass all of human experience, and you certainly shouldn't judge yourself for not fitting into it. easier said than done, i know, but still. i'm gonna try to address some things here, not gonna touch on all of it, but just know that i appreciate you sitting down to write me this.

(I hope that line made you laugh if you read this).

it made me smile, but i laughed at this, because it's a very sweet look into you writing this. puts into perspective how, even though this is public, it was written TO me. like a letter in victorian times or something. that's sweet, i like that.

and id of course would be comforted by seeing similar experiences happen to people because relating to something usually induces a positive feeling. I dont.

you're making a lot of assumptions here that are kind of wild in that "this thought process was clearly designed by your mind to upset you specifically" sort of way. I mean, would you say this to literally anyone else when they feel uncomfortable or triggered about viewing media that relates to their trauma? There's really no telling what a survivor will feel comforted by and you aren't Doing It Wrong by having a different reaction.

there's a reason i tag it as "csa tw" and that's so people can AVOID it as well as search it up.

how stupid i was and why I let that happen to me even when I was equipped with the information that makes me less vulnerable than other children?

i know you recognize at the end of the thought process that this is not true, but i feel the need to reiterate: there is no such thing as being less vulnerable than other children through your own actions. you can try to equip kids with knowledge that might protect them, but that doesn't make them any less vulnerable.

my dad told me about rape and molestation all the time, but he never accounted for the kinds of scenarios i was actually the most likely to fall victim to, partly because i don't think he actually knew much about childhood sexual abuse, and partly because he was more obsessed with the idea of me being kidnapped and raped/murdered than he was about forms of sexual abuse he'd consider more "mild"

No wait, that doesnt make any sense at all. Its all wrong. Why am I so guilty about this? Why am i subjecting myself to this?

i can't answer that one, unfortunately. personally, i like to feel gutted, it's cathartic to me. might be something like that to you, based on how you go on to describe it, but you might also be doing some kinda self harm.

I stick hand into the fire knowing I would be burned, then I do.

saaaaame. i triggered myself into a breakdown in class once cuz i'd been reading fucked fanfiction before class and i got SAD lol.

Its a nice change of pace to feel so conflicted like this, its a nice change of pace to feel anything at all really.

we are shaking hands over this.

anywho, no need to apologize! i am glad, if nothing else, to provide you with a strange and upsetting experience that is not entirely bad.

I really do adore hearing how my stuff makes people feel. it's like, a solid one third of the reason i do this. i still make stuff that doesn't exist to be shown off but WOW showing shit off and getting a response feels FANTASTIC. like, i'm in your head now!! you have been CHANGED by my ART. it's maybe the best part of being alive.

#nnstuff #ask #csa tw #asks are sweethearts

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sexydreamgirl · 1 year

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is that good or bad if my feeling of fulfillment feels like knowing im going to get it in 3d no matter what? this is the only positive feeling i can sustain for a longer period of time after affirming but i dont wanna prolong the 'proccess' by accident

i don't feel anything when i tell myself i have it in 4d right now even though i know only 4d matters, so i just affirm in present tense while KNOWING it WILL reflect and it actually feels way better for me

You're still making it about the 3D when you're not supposed to. You don't even need to be thinking like that when you know that the law of assumption states that the only thing that matters is consciousness and the 3D is subject to change in correspondence to your self concept. You don't need to be reminding yourself that it'll materialize because duh it will. That's law. But you need to turn to imagination more because that's what matters more than the world of senses. That's what consciousness is the only reality means.

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my-deer-history · 2 years

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Can you tell me about Louis de Vegobre and his possible relationship with Laurens and Kinloch?

Sure! Others will certainly know more, but here’s a little of what I’ve pulled together about these three.

Louis Manoel de Vegobre was a Swiss lawyer and intellectual who befriended Laurens during his time as a student in Geneva. He tutored Laurens in mathematics, and in return Laurens taught de Vegobre English. Kinloch arrived Geneva in May 1774, and although they only spent a few months together there (Laurens left in July 1774), they quickly formed a close-knit circle, studying and socialising together, and mingling with other English students and eminent Genevan scholars and scientists.

There is little written correspondence from that time, as there was no need to write letters to those who lived so close. But it is evident from Laurens’ letters after his departure that he loved his time in Geneva, in large part because of the relationships he had built there - he writes to Kinloch on 23 August 1774 that “I dont know when I shall get into such a valuable Set of Acquaintance as I have left”.

Whether all of this remained purely platonic, in the style of romantic friendship, or extended into homoerotic or even homosexual realms, is impossible to prove definitively - but there is a good deal of evidence that the three of them were more than “just friends”.

For one, they mingled with figures who were known to have homosexual inclinations. Among these was Swiss historian Johannes von Müller (himself at the centre of a web of queer figures, including Swiss writer Karl Viktor von Bonstetten), who was known for his homoerotic love letters and, per Rictor Norton, “always travelled with young male companions, and even set up house together in the Alps with the American Francis Kinlock [sic]”. They stayed together in Chambésy in 1775, which presumably is what Laurens is referring to, with evident longing, in his letter to Kinloch on 10 March 1775:

Mr. Boon has communicated your plan of spending the summer with Vegobre in some convenient retreat in Switzerland, a plan which I should of all things like myself, and which I dare to say you will find great benefit from.

What three young men of a certain persuasion might get up to in the privacy and safety of an alpine retreat I will leave to your imagination.

Side note on Müller and Kinloch - in 1802/3, Müller was involved in a homosexual scandal, after a former pupil faked love letters to him from a made-up admirer, to which Müller responded with equal (and damning) fervour. The ensuing scandal cost Müller his fortune. He writes a letter to Kinloch on 12 May 1803, explaining his dire situation, to which Kinloch responds:

L'idée de ce qui aurait pu arriver à cette extreme nocturne me fait frémir - Vous souvient il, cher ami, du commencement do notre liaison à Geneve? My transcription: The idea of what could have happened at this nocturnal extreme makes me shudder - Does it remind you, dear friend, of the beginning of our affair in Geneva?

Clearly, the mention of the scandal was a reminder to Kinloch of whatever they may have gotten up to twenty years prior.

In Laurens’ absence from Geneva, Kinloch and de Vegobre remained close, and all three of them wrote to and about each other using expressions of deep love and affection, expressing a desire for contact and closeness - which, to me, often veers into the romantic.

Here are some examples, in chronological order:

My beloved, my dearest friend is Kinloch […] Let me say again: Kinloch is my beloved, my dearest friend. […] You have began to make me feeling how hard it is to see the departure of a man to whom one’s heart is addicted

Louis de Vegobre to John Laurens, 24 December 1774

I would be wrong to hide from you that I was upset at you [but now I want to] occupy myself only with the pleasure I had upon seeing that your heart is without fault, and that you have maintained the same sentiments towards me that you expressed to me when you left Geneva. […] Permit me to remark to you that [a time of adversity] is where we know our friends, and that it is here (I dare say) that you will see that the attachments of my heart are not a light bond formed by pleasure which does not last beyond it. […] You congratulate me on my friendship with Kinloch, oh how right you are to congratulate me! What an excellent man! What a friend I have in him! […] I repeat that I am entirely at your service & that I responded very sincerely and very deeply to the feelings that you have expressed for me.

Louis de Vegobre to John Laurens, 18 October 1775

You and I may differ my Dear Kinloch in our political Sentiments but I shall always love you from the Knowledge I have of your Heart.

John Laurens to Francis Kinloch, 12 April 1776

we hold too fast by one anothers hearts, my dear Laurens, to be afraid of exposing our several opinions to each other […] Be certain that I never shall forget you

Francis Kinloch to John Laurens, 28 April 1776

that Letter & the pretty gift that you attached are very agreeable marks of your friendship […] I learnt that I was loved & esteemed by you as much as I could have desired […] I am much persuaded, my Dear, that if we could live together our mutual happiness would be augmented; especially when I think of the calamities that surround you, I would desire to be close to you, to witness your fortitude and to offer you the relief of my friendship […] I saw this morning our friend Kinloch: what shall I tell you of him which you don’t already know? […] I regard it is as one of the joys of my life to have become his friend.

Louis de Vegobre to John Laurens, 7 June 1776

And after Laurens’ blistering letter to Kinloch about their differing political views, Kinloch seemingly responds with hurt and offence, which Laurens tries to smooth over with a reaffirmation of his feelings:

I have no Copies of what I write, and therefore can’t be exactly sure of all the Expressions which I used in my Letter, this I am persuaded of that there was nothing in it that could be construed to throw any Imputation upon the Qualities of your Heart on account of the side you took in our political Dispute […] It was from the great Opinion I had of your Heart that I first wish’d to form a Friendship with you, it is from the great Opinion that I still have of it, that I am exceedingly desirous of cultivating and improving that Friendship […] I still think your political principles wrong, the Sentiments which you have adopted with respect to your own Country strike me with horrour, and I hope you’ll change them_ but I am persuaded you think they are right and your Heart with me is unimpeached_

John Laurens to Francis Kinloch, 30 September 1776

(Extracts above from de Vegobre’s letters of 18 October 1775 and 7 June 1776 are taken from my translations of the original French.)

#historical john laurens #john laurens #francis kinloch #louis de vegobre #johannes von muller #queer history #18th century history

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vilentusha · 2 months

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Okay!! So smthing I would recommend is more hard shadows! U do it in the "what if" post but in others feel like it could benefit from a mix of blurred shadows vs hard ones! It can define stuff better and make it look more real even if a realistic style isn't what ur going for. I really like how many different poses/framing u use, I think it makes each piece more unique and interesting! Also dont be afraid to use diff colors as shadows! EX: if u had something yellow that u hard shaded with purple/pink/orange, it can rlly change the mood of the piece and make it pop! I love ur art so keep it up and never stop creating!! Ur new post unnerved me sm /pos

By shadows I mean more blending/rendering/shading haha

I don't even know how to answer you. You are very nice and you gave me very nice criticism. The thing is that I like this method of cloudy shadows. I can say this is my main style. But I'll try to come up with something to make the awning look like shadows without changing my style too much. I may not fully understand your message because my English is very bad. I'm writing through a translator right now. But I will repeat myself. I really appreciate your opinion. You were able to cheer me up. If it’s not difficult for you, we could write in private correspondence to better discuss this. AND I'M DYING THAT I INSPIRED YOU TO NEW POSTS. I REALLY WANT TO SEE IT

- WITH A HUGE LOVE

- Vilent

#creepypasta

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donnerpartyofone · 10 months

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i find you unimaginably cool and ive expressed to you before on anon the sentiment that i feel a deep kinship towards you for how you speak so candidly abt your own stupidity (pls dont take that as me calling you stupid) bcuz i feel exactly the same way abt my own stupidity and hate when ppl try to talk me out of it but ANYways i just saw your post abt writing a novelization of splice and i am literally reeling. i love that weird ass movie so much and i think writing a novelization of it is one of the most off the wall and amazing things ive ever heard of. i hope that you will share when it is published bcuz i cannot wait to read it. pls know that someone out there understands you (or at least understands you as best as someone can thru this parasocial lens of tumblr and how you choose to share yourself there) and that someone out there thinks you are basically what i hope i can be when i grow up. thank you for sharing. thank you for articulating yourself as well as you do (i too have the itch to tell you you are not stupid but bcuz i know how it is i wont do it but besides that, i think you are one of the clearest and most well articulated writers ive ever encountered online or elsewhere). sorry, this all feels insane to type. im off two tallboy ipas and i just think youre great.

Dearest Correspondent,

Oddly enough, just the other day somebody liked an older post of mine, and when I clicked on it to remind myself of what it was, the next post down was your last message. Anyway, thanks! The whole novelization business is really funny. Do people even know what they are anymore? I didn't know anybody still made them until I was hired to do SPLICE. I used to get them from the drugstore sometimes when I was a kid because my parents were very uptight about what I watched, but they wouldn't be caught dead restricting anyone's reading habits. During my initial conversation with the SPLICE publisher, we kind of bonded over our memories of the CHILD'S PLAY 2 novelization, of all things, that seemed to help me a lot in addition to my ideas about what SPLICE should be like on paper. I tend to think of novelizations as just another piece of merch, but when you write them, I don't know, like you really have to live out the movie in your mind over and over again to figure out what the characters are experiencing physically, environmentally, how their emotional experiences affect their bodies, etc. You have to fill in the blanks of what they think and sense just enough to make your transcription convincing, while staying within certain bounds to honor what the filmmaker meant to say. SPLICE started as kind of a lark for me, and then almost immediately it became extremely personal; when I was nearing the end of my first draft I thought, "OK, well, I guess everyone is about to find out how insane I am." I was afraid it just sounded "crazy" and wouldn't be what the publisher was expecting. But after I turned it in, the surprise encouragement I got from actual-Vincenzo Natali was pretty amazing, so maybe it's good! Maybe you really CAN'T tell how crazy I am, and it's just very entertaining. You'll have to wait and see.

Parasocial relationships are tricky, huh, especially here on tumblr dot com. The best thing you can do for yourself is just be very aware that they are happening within you, a test you seem to have passed. I think a lot of us come here seeking understanding of our weirdest parts, but the more you put out there to find the people who get what you're saying, you simultaneously get a lot of reminders that most people have no idea what you're talking about. There will be people who seem to hate you because they've misunderstood you, and there will also be people who love you but whose interactions prove that they have absolutely no idea what you're communicating. I recently culled a bunch of followers because they were just creating a lot of noise, even though they may have meant well, and I was losing the clarity I needed to keep doing this. I started to see every post as a worrisome opportunity to find out how poorly people can possibly read me, and suppressing the urge to re-explain myself every day was becoming exhausting. And ironically, around the same time, I was briefly mutuals with one of my favorite bloggers ever, and just as I thought we were becoming chummy, they unfollowed me. I didn't freak out, actually I just unfollowed them back because I was concerned about being annoying, but I did have all kinds of Thoughts about this event. I have spent a lot of time reviewing what my projections were about that person, and what my personal investment in their narrative says about me. I think there could be something good to get out of this audit, even though the whole episode is sort of embarrassing. But Tumblr definitely gives you a lot of opportunities to examine your own filters, clean them out once in a while, and get to know yourself a little better--even if other people seem to be getting to know you a little worse! You just have to stick to your own course and see what comes of it.

Uh. What the hell was I saying. I don't know! But I appreciate your messages, I feel "gotten" by them. Some of the follower upheaval recently did involve the way that I process my experience of my own stupidity out loud on here--like I know that sometimes folks are trying to be helpful by contradicting me whenever I sound "negative" (read: realistic), but being told (by strangers) how to feel about yourself and that you're wrong about your own experiences is actually really awful, confusing, frustrating, and undermining. So I don't mind being reminded that my signal is coming through for at least some people. I hope you're doing good this holiday season. I wonder what beers you had, they sound fun!

Good tidings to you,

PS Isn't "on here" a weird phrase? I always feel like a primate when I say it, but I have yet to find a different phrase that conveys the same thing as accurately.

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fagsex · 4 months

Text

examples include

feeling ants under my skin and seeing them anywhere and getting so paranoid theyre there i wont eat

ive had a streak of bad luck and events after a series of successes and while they are still valued and have presence in my life i believe that since we share a birthday my life is sharing a path or pattern of luck or correspondence with jeanne and im very very scared because she dies thursday and i dont know what my life is after that

continuing with that one is that i comfort myself with my current bad luck by holding my head up even while feeling like i am dying sometimes (medical issues) but i have worse and worse dreams and more and more images in my head and im hearing more sounds that arent there. and when its thursday when the like paths stop corresponding with one another because she dies im so scared to live my life untethered from hers. i dont know if things will get better or worse or the same and sometimes i think i'll die too.

this sounds like some fucking badly written character LMFAOOOO

#emergency broadcast system #when i say jeanne obviously i mean. d'arc.....

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queenburd · 1 year

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so in the hypothetical fic concept,,,, ok actually have a. small handful of questions maybe. (........alsoalso this is. always true but just gonna reiterate Preemptively,,,, "don't know" is alwaysalways a fair answer. this is more of a. blatantly fishing by tossing prompt-adjacent-things in your general direction sort of thing haha)

- is the amount of time the narrator has experienced getting other stanleys out the same amount of time his stanley has experienced in the outside??

- how do they each. react,, upon landing & realizing they've been split up??

- does the narrator ever have a hard time convincing a stanley to get to the escape pod with him??

- since both the narrator And stanley have to be present for it to work,, one can infer if a stanley was too suspicious or elsewise he would be. trapped. until that stanley could be convinced.

- has he ever been discovered by other narrators??

- ........what happens,, to the other narrators when their corresponding stanley is evacuated?? (are they left there indefinitely on their own, does their iteration of the parable simply collapse, a secret third thing,,)

points at you. you get me.

first) yes! it's approximately the same amount of time, though the narrator has no way to measure and doesnt know until, well. he gets out. that it's been that long. he just knows it's been a long time, and it's honestly something that frightens him. he is trying very VERY hard to make peace with the idea he's never going to see Stan again, because.... if they never see each other again, it doesn't have to hurt him if Stan's feelings for him change. If Stan decides he wants to be with somebody else.

(with this said, this fic HAS to take place in the future. I put myself in this hole. The TSPUD only came out last year but Stan's been out for four years and change??? dont. dont look too hard at that. okay? dont look at that. that ones on me.)

second) they uh. they both have some BAD reactions to learning the other is not with them. it might be "harder" on Stan if only because he's been thrust into a new world at the same time, on his own.

Stan starts living a life, afraid that his friend is gone, or maybe out in the world somewhere alone, or dead. he had no idea how to process it because he didnt KNOW what happened. but he just… had to try to move on. live as a person. he didnt have a choice.

for the narrator, he has to try to make sense of why he's in a Parable that... isn't HIS. when he finds the Stanley there that isnt his it hurts like a motherfucker, but he has other issues to deal with (like the fact this one is very clearly a victim of physical abuse) so he boxes that shit up, as he usually does, to focus on the problem at hand.

but after he gets into a system, it's not as easy to distract himself. sometimes he wakes up in the escape pod by himself after just ushering a new Stanley out, and he just stays there for a little bit to have a good cry.

3) ABSOLUTELY HE HAS A HARD TIME WITH SOME STANLEYS. These fuckers are STUBBORN. He's really used to it, and it can be frustrating, but he always manages somehow--mostly, he surprises them all.

even the angrier Stanleys that are less likely to trust him cant help being caught off guard by his concern, and his laughing at their sharp biting wit, or just how open he is with his expressions. that, plus the fact their narrators are still clearly around in opposition, means its not a "trick".

hes still himself, you know? but all that bitchiness and irritability is aimed at these alternate versions of himself instead of Stanley. he is so SICK of his own bullshit. GET OVER YOURSELF, MY GOD, no WONDER he hated my guts. you petulant CHILD.

and yeah that's really weird for the Stanleys. They kind of love it. it's hilarious.

3.5) since it's tangential with the above. yeah. he's had some serious bonding periods with some stanleys. that's why in the end he always manages to convince them. because they have nothing BUT time.

4) probably yes. there have been a few where he was genuinely stealthy enough to not get caught (though those narrators DEFINITELY noticed SOMETHING was awry, they tended to focus on where Stanley was in the Parable over things happening elsewhere in the map) and he always makes an effort in the beginning, mostly to get a feel for the situation. he's done this enough times to have an idea of where to start. BUT, he has a temper, and for the narrators that are actively more hostile, he has no qualms about showing his face and, quite frankly, kicking their arses.

because this may not be his SPECIFIC parable, but it's still the Parable, and he's still a Narrator. he can control this rat maze just as well as they can. possibly even better, since he's let Stan roam through every single door and played with every single hall. Hes not afraid of breaking script. most of them dont know how to react to it.

5) he doesn't know what happens to them. he assumes they get left on their own. he doesn't care. as far as he's concerned, they dont deserve to have a protagonist at all, and they can rot by themselves for eternity.

I dont know what happens to them either. Ive thought about it but cant come to any conclusions. though Ive wondered if theres a way for these fellows to find each other. Im sure theyve got a bit of a grudge...

#tsp #the sparrow parable #repeat and write this story #Parable Actors

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