#i dont even know why people do it i cant possibly think of why
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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I literally can't stand the way this stupid chapter went down. Chapter 7 has been a pain my ass the entire time, I can't even look at it without being pissed. And now posting it has left everyone confused, and I hate that added on confusion, as if this AU didn't have enough going on
I know it's not a big deal, but I hate disorganized things. I think it reflects badly on me and makes me look like I don't have my shit together, plus I deadass cannot stand what I wrote!! Even now!!
Ugh, can we all collectively forget about this...stupid reordering of chapters. I'm so pessimistic about it, and I'm glad I didn't delete it, but it's hard to see the silver lining right now
#constellations fic#this is such a huge fuck up in an otherwise crisp chapter release schedule#im a week behind. and now im doubting everything#i hate that people dont know whats going on even with my notes#because it's going to be confusing. to everyone. i cant expect people to remember chapter titles#or the order of them. most don't even read them#for people to remember is a big deal but like#with how spread out updates are. thats wishful thinking#i honestly dont expect anyone to remember anything. when they do I'm so surprised#i just wanted to make this as easy as possible#and I'm so fucking tired#i can't do long things like this anymore. there were too many elements#this is why i thrive with longass chapters#doing it this way is such a pain. it's not for me
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SHOCKING: world's nicest friendliest man you know is actually lonely. more at 7.
#wearing your heart on your sleeve must be hard isnt it.#i just been thinking about this a lot. & plan to make a meta of it eventually.#clark is a classic case of checking up on everyone. happy to be with everyone. thoughtful. but who checks up on him?#less people then you think unfortunately.#clarks lonliness is unique. its not just the act of having no one around. but that he was raised to safeguard himself#and kept that habit for YEARS. imagine being a natural born social butterfly but from childhood into your mid 20s you just had to#pretend to be someone else. or never let anyone know the truth. he always felt guilty in his early years hiding what he was with EXTREMELY>#CLOSE people. because he wanted to be as close as possible. but how could he dump the burden of “im an alien! dont tell the goverment” whic#later turns into “im superman! can you keep that secret with you as well?”#while its easier for him not to admit who he is. for a long time admitting hes a super powered being = burden to others in his mind#to them. to his family. it would always slightly change over the years.#i just cant iterate enough tho he is happiest helping people or working with his friends but atthe end of the day its just him.#this is why i love 1 particular animated movie...clark was shown to be overly cautious to reveal who he is.#believing its a burden.. that HE is a burden if he shows his entire self to someone. even to lois#u_u eventually clark tells lois ( in comics ) and that helps. but he still has his habits..shes an exception. not the rule.#so yeah make sure to tell your local clark you care him.#this is also why when he is like... told off by his friends over his powers ( i.e one time batman scolded him for not doing enough ) it jus#hits even harder. a reminder to him sometimes? that hes in his own bubble of this world or smth
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Sometimes I look outside my scope of mutuals and I'm like.....I'm glad I'm not them (whole essay in the tags)
#im going to ramble about a very touchy subject here but it pertains to 🐉♠️ which i am very open about shipping#apparently its Problematic or whatever 😭😭???? according to Some People#you know ive been thinking abt this for a while now but people really like spouting rhetoric abt how this or that is problematic without-#-really considering the specifics of why things are bad. things being bad are not the same as things possibly being uncomfortable#like people have an aversion to adult/minor ships or incest ships because these are real and tangible things that happen and are disgusting#i do feel like people have freedom over what they want to consume/create in fiction although those topics are an ick to me and i avoid it#but also you have to understand people dont like it primarily because of the realistic aspect of it and how it connects to reality#not a one to one but because reality already has these preexisting issues we naturally have an aversion to it#you cannot apply the same logic to like a dragon man x human ship because a dragon man is not going to scoop you from the sky#the ramifications of shipping an immortal and human are nonexistant and do not pertain to reality and cannot be judged on the same scale💀#well beside from the logic 🐉 is old in body but his mind develops in the way a fae would. and he is described to be young in fae#so up until now i assumed the normal assumption was to say that he is around ~18 in fae yrs by how he interacts with others in his yr#🐉 is like old in the way where hes lived for a long time and understands the passage of time#but hes processed it through the lens of a young person hence why he can come off as immature despite how old he physically is💀#like are we playing the same game?? if he was a well adjusted fully developed adult with a complete understanding of the world and stuff#like idk trein. none of the events in ch 7 would be happening. its kind of like a huge part of his character that despite his physical age#he IS still learning as he IS still young#i could go into a analysis of his character but thats for another time </33#anyways i see people . primarily young people. telling their mutuals you can or cant ship this and that#and im like its okay to not like ships if you personally find it uncomfortable but to police ur friends...for ships that arent even 'bad'#its insane to me...how do u live like this?#people really need to start thinking about the nuances and why things are the way they are in regards to fiction#instead of buying into that weird pr*ship/ant*ship thing 😭 ive always hated it its so dumb. my university professors wouldve hated it#theres no nuance like...none. personally i also think its why people have low reading comprehension these days too tbh#life is about looking at various viewpoints and coming up with your own opinion#not 'picking a side'💀 learn to form your own opinions. talk to people around you about it. do not constrict your opinions to black/white#its an extremely dangerous mindset to have even outside of literature and it makes you very susceptible to dangerous ideas/propaganda#anyways what im getting at is learn to have educated discussions with others and come up with your own opinions instead of picking a side#btw there is no right/wrong side in literary discussions. there is no good/bad side either. whatever you come up w someone will disagree#thats why its important to just believe what YOU believe in (and not parrot others💀). and also be open to change
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Shout out to the folks at work the other day that enabled/encouraged me to go on a lil infodump about being transgender and who had genuine questions and listened to my answers. Obviously it's not something queer folks should be expected to do but I love being a point of information for people! I love talking about my experiences and my understandings of philosophies that intersect with that and I think alot of cishet people are maybe uncomfortable asking blunt questions? But so long as they're posed in good faith and with willingness to think about the response, I enjoy answering those weirdly specific things. How else to we dispel the willful ignorance that places of power want to foster towards us? I refuse to he a scapegoat and am deeply grateful to the people that are receptive to experiences outside their own
#young 20 something mum and middle aged mother of 3#both just. asking *questions*#what do hormones do? when/how did you know? why is it so important to you?#these ate genuine questions seeking to understand!! and it means so much to me that i can BE that point of understanding!#adfhsjsj they were talking about periods and the younger woman was like. sorry if this is uncomfortable Jason#and im like. lol dont even worry i still get then too and they suck#older woman was like??? i thought hormones stop them??? im not on hormones yet i just naturally have hormonal imbalance thanks to PCOS#its just...if someone genuinely doesnt understand but is willing to learn? its a conversation worth having.#and i cant know that i always have a positive effect but i ways come back to the vaguely right leaning centrist dude i worked with at mcds#who told me i had changed his view of masculinity and gender as a whole#just by talking and explaining ny experiences#even if he ends up being the only other person I affect..its all worth it.because without me or someone like me he would never have changed#sorry i just get emotional sometimes thinking abkut how...probably the majority of cishets who arent plugged into tumblr#do not experience queer people. hell#im sure there are alot of queer people who havent been exposed to queer theory either#and it means the world to me that i can present and explain that understanding. that willingness to understand.#fuck man if you had told me id be doing this in my early teens id never have thought it possible
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im so sorry to my mutuals i promise i dont wanna vent in here all the time because i know it can be extremely exhausting to be around such negativity and i do wanna make more funny posts but shit keeps happening and venting about it in the tags is sorta comforting in a way
#the meowing of a cat 🐱#anyways. it is 5am and i cannot sleep because im not tired and also because i fucking hate myself#i wanna isolate myself from everyone#i really do#i really really really do. but i cant and i wont. dont worry.#actually i think i just wanna isolate myself from my crush because it's the only way i know the feelings will go away#but i cant#and i dont want to#YES IM VENTING ABOUT MY CRUSH AGAIN. I HATE IT TOO OKAY#im such a fucking incel and i hate it i hate it#im literally mister nice guy redditor#because i have so much love to give and i hate the fact he will never reciprocate. he doesnt even see me as a close enough friend#i just want to tell him how much i love him but i cant because i told him once and you cant confess again#that's not how that works#please why cant i accept he doesnt like me back why cant i accept it i just want to accept it#i want to let go i want to let go i want to let go but i cant i fucking cant and i hate it#please please please i just want to learn to live with the fact he wont and never will love me back#but i fucking cant. ive tried fucking everything. ive tried so fucking hard. and i always come back loving him more#wish i could punch my brain and my heart repeatedly. i just want to accept this that's all i fucking want#but i cant. and i overthink so hard i overthink every interaction i have with him#i want to let him know i love him but i dont wanna be a creep. he probably already thinks im a creep#but ofc he's so sweet he will never let me know that#i cant sleep and my leg hurts and my finger hurts and im shaking#i just. i really want to tell him the amount of love i have for him. but i cant anymore#he has been done wrong by many people. i wish i could give him my love. but i cant force someone to love me#god im such a Nice Guy incel.... i hate it#dont get me wrong he makes me so fucking happy. it's just the fact that i know he will never love me#and how i will never get to show my love for him fucks me up#i want to show him so badly but the love for him i hold is so overwhelming i cant possibly do that without being seen as a creep#please i just want to let go i want to accept it i want to accept he will NEVER fucking love me but i cant
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Mmm Jeanne
#servants cant learn new stuff (i'll talk about jalter in a second) therefore#jeanne shouldnt know how to read or write#we actually Dont get a confirmation that she can do those things in summer 3. because the book that jalter thought jeanne wrote#was actually Her own book#jeanne works with marie. maybe she comes up with the ideas and does rough drawings that marie would be Delighted to bring to life#marie reads to jeanne is my image#jalter taught herself how to read and write and i think that was possible because of the unstability of her existence#if you try to teach jeanne how to read and write it will stick for a second but if like idk 15-20 min pass she would likely find herself#unable to read again and her writting to be suboptimal#she can sign her own name ofc thats historical#she can recite the bible from memory iirc#i love jalter's ability to be her own person even if it comes with the fact that she is very much. an ephemeral dream#like her FCKING SKILL IS CALLED.#WHY MUST YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS FGO#anyway. now jeanne again but physical#oughhh thank u for the support in the tags when i said jeanne should have self image issues because she looked different in life#i hadnt fully talked bout it i just went with hair but yeah. i need to check again because im pretty sure her body wasnt Suuuper different#but i just gotta confirm#but im just so i love the idea of her just not liking the way she manifested abd not knowing Why she manifested like that#when there are Countless depictions of her with her short brown hair#sieg looks to the side whistling (its not his fault but he knows the pseudo servant part#and its probably a mix of . fate apocrypha's manifestation and of how some people imagined jeanne looked like#but it still upsets her#not that she'd ever complain to people#you can probably get it out of her tho#unrelated and only to those who reached this far: im thinking of a singularity set in 15th century orleans in the Middle of the hundred year#war. but the difference aint “oh jeanne d'arc came back to life evil” rather than “there seems to be a battle here where it shouldnt and oh#my god is that jeanne- oh god jeanne d'arc fucking died--#and chaldeas has to try and fix the war without living breathing jeanne d'arc#actually thats not the middle of the 100yearwar but yknow what i mean. also haha jk unless...
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think im back in my Everyone is stupid era bcuz im mad at people for literally no reason
#rolls eyes#by people i mean like maybe. 3 . and i barely talk to them . Well lately#iunno something about the way . they all act the same but they would never admit it . and theyre the type of people to complain without#trying to fix the problem#i dont know . theyre always like#i dont know what to do ! im so miserable ! why isnt everyone doing exactly what i want them to ! pay attention to me !#i cant possibly be the problem here !#and nobody ever tells them otherwise because its mean🥺 itll hurt their feelings ... what if they do something bad...!#in which case 1 i dont care and 2 they shouldnt be interacting with other people if theyd do that#it pisses me off because they always think theyre some helpless animal that cant fend for itself#but they also think they can do no wrong and if for a moment they DO think they did something wrong#the thought isnt even explored because either 1 they got coddled or 2 the victim complex kicks in#everything bad happens to me ! why does nothing good ever happen to me ! how come every relationship i have fails !#well the obvious answer is you are the constant in this experiment . if you remain unchanging but the factors around you change each time .#You are the cause .#and i dont get the fear around being wrong or fucking up like that . who gives a shit . if you put in the effort youre a good person .#it doesnt matter who or what youre doing it for . if youre trying to improve yourself you are not a bad person at your core .#you say all that though and all they say is I am trying !!! i just dont know where to start...!!! and theyve been trying for years#like bud clearly something isnt working#i dont know . maybe this is me viewing life as an experiment but Really if you analyze this shit closely you can find an easy answer#ok rant over !
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idk if it's genuine excitement or the energy drink i had earlier that's actually letting me focus and work but dude. i am CRUSHING this essay. this is Fun To Write. i think i'm actually doing a really good job here. wtf. i love my major man
#i am a LITTLE bit sad i cant do grad school bc like. im going to miss writing essays and researching and all once i graduate#i do genuinely like doing it. call me a nerd or whatever but i love it esp when its on smth fun and interesting like this#now im not sad enough to actually DO grad school lmao#unless i got offered a scholarship or smth idk. wont happen but. hm. if it did.#seriously tho. i would think more seriously abt it if it werent for my adhd. i just dont think its realistic for me#as much as i like my field i dont think i have the ability to focus well enough to complete the work id need to complete#i went to the meeting abt grad school i learned abt what it requires/why people do it and all. i just dont think i can do that#and bc i ultimately cant get diagnosed -> cannot get help/medication thats not going to improve any time soon#after years of learning how to adapt and work with my brain this is probably the best i can do without medical/institutional intervention#its not worth paying a shitload of money and possibly setting my career back by years only to fail out yk?#im not too torn up abt it. ill give it more thought if it becomes relevant but rn its not really on my radar#ive done an excellent job in school! im getting an honours degree (hopefully)! most people dont even get that far#a lot of people with my condition dont even get into university let alone graduate. im incredibly lucky to be able to do what i can#levi.txt#this is all over the place but takeaway is im having a good time! things are coming together i feel confident in my work#im gathering theorists and sources for the section on night of the living dead and having a blast#ive got my examples all lined up my arguments make sense in my head i know where to look for applicable theories etc etc#i just need supporting quotes and im working on that rn!! it hasnt even been that hard#ok. back to work. i need to harness the power of caffeine once more (made my brain quiet) (no longer full of bees) (im in charge)
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growing up as a child with severe hallucinations was wild.. the whole time you're becoming a person and adjusting to reality and learning how the world works but you're thrown a secret curveball that no one else knows about or can warn you about because no one else can see it happening. and should you express any signs of genuine distress or confusion over something imaginary, it's called "over active imagination" or "imaginary friends" and its all cute to adults until theyre losing sleep at night because the kid is too scared to sleep alone- but even sleeping between mom and dad still doesnt feel safe because every night feels like a horror movie where only you can see the monsters that want you dead. but its not real! and you have to listen to mom and dad when they say that! but they dont get it! no one ever gets it! it doesnt go away when you close your eyes! the visions get horrific and grotesque even by adult standards but no one listens! just go back to bed it was just a nightmare :) but the truth was you never fall asleep first.
#and its even worse like. expressing these things as an older child too#having adults be like 'oh i believe you!' and you feel relief finally#only to have that adult say 'youre being haunted by spirits!'#like you have no idea how damaging that was to hear as a young schizophrenic#i genuinely believed i was haunted. i genuinely believed evil spirits wanted to kill me via dreams#i fully believed that was real and possible and happening!#im lucky ive grounded myself as an adult but i still struggle with#the most random delusions. hallucinations of voices and sometimes figures#im lucky i can tell when its real and when its not. when it cant be.#but for how long? how long do i have before i cant help but believe its real?#and i know in this post im mostly talking about the night terror aspect#but it gets so frustrating when people just reduce it down to just that too#like these didnt only exist at night- thats just when it was scary#broad daylight with a clear head its easier to be like- oh that just isnt scary#and as i'd get older i had to train myself to just not react and ignore things that genuinely scared me#i think thats why i liked horror movies so much as a kid.#dont even bother me the type shit i got goin on.#probably didnt help tho..
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Its so joever for me bruh im 18 with no friends no job not in school no hobbies no goals no achievements
#whenever i go outside i feel so incredibly uncomfortable like everyone is staring at me and laughing at me i cant even walk normally#and i was legitametly getting stared at when i went to college so its not like im just paranoid or something#i probably am actually getting stared at and made fun of just like i was in college#i think i look worse then i think i do and that makes me so sad lol#i know im ugly but sometimes i see myself and think maybe i dont look TOO bad or at least when i lose weight i wont look so bad#but maybe im just irredeemably ugly and nothing can fix it#why else would people stare at me im unremarkable at best#im not tall or super underweight and i dont dress weird i do everything i possibly can to fade into the background#so why do people stare at me#the only logical answer is that im just incredibly ugly#so my life is basically just over lol#i know people dont want to talk to me but i figured it was just because im quiet so i pushed myself to be more talkative and outgoing#but obviously that didnt work so it must just be cause im ugly#thats why people stare at me#i guess if i get to a low enough weight at least the stares will be about my body and not my face#that would be a little better i think#when i was growing up all i hoped for was that i would live a normal life once i grew up#i dont even care about leaving a mark on the world or being some important person anymore#i just want to feel content with my life for once man#i havent been happy with myself or my life since i was twelve years old#all ive done since then is fail my parents and fail myself#i know im a disappointment to them no matter what they say ive seen theyre text messages and i see the way they treat me#im nothing but a waste of money and time#and to top it off i look like a fucking ogre#all i ever wanted was to be happy with myself. i cant even live up to my own expectations.#i will never amount to anything
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idk how to phrase this but I wish there was a way for me to filter out fics on ao3 that describe Bill as "incapable of feeling love" in a "woe is me, the nonhuman character cannot feel this random emotion, Ford would be so much happier if only Bill was Capable of Feeling Love" way
#godsrambles#people are allowed to write ford thinking this way. its not like 1980s science man ford would know anything about aro identities#i just personally cant deal with running into this specific thing again in fics about these two.#i cant do it im not strong enough.#maybe bc i partly approach this ship in an escapist way of 'imagine 2 weird guys who dont care about amatonormative relationship standards'#i love angst i just cant stand being Suddenly hit on the head with the hammer of:#'no matter how much bill cares in his own way no matter what bill does ford will still be sad that he cant feel Love' in fic after fic#'ford might TELL bill its okay but deep down he would really be happier if bill felt love the Right Way'#cant stop thinking about this. its come up at least 3 times in 3 separate fics. and they are well written ones too.#give me angst about Anything else. Please. Anything Else#but i cant even read new fics on ao3 at the moment bc theres a nonzero chance I'll run into this AGAIN.#it is simply Not For Me. its fine for people to write angst from that angle i just want a wider range of content about nonhuman characters#i just am tired of it being such a Common Thing brought up with villains monsters and nonhumans#the issue is the Trend not any individual writing it#which is why ive been so reluctant to even voice my frustration. bc its really honestly not any one fic writers fault#i also want to give people the benefit of the doubt. its *possible* for ford to subconsciously see monstrousness and lack of ability to#-love as connected without the *author* subconsciously thinking it also. its just. complicated and hard to know#i just want to be able to filter it out so i stop getting hit with reminders that the ability to love is seen as a key part of being human#by so many people#it stings even more with it being *ford* thinking these things too#like. fords Whole Thing is embracing abnormality and strangeness.#so if even *he* cant fully embrace being with someone who doesnt feel Love... :(
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remembering why i hate twitter goroboys lmao
#speculation nation#blotted out bc im not trying to start drama#but im just like. Oh? necrophilia? coupled with the belittlement of the fight for gay marriage in japan?#'if he tried to keep the corpse' what. what is going on with your brain. why.#i feel like this should be tagged as smth but i dont even fucking know what#'getting legally married to the protagonist's corpse' in WHAT fucking world do you think that's a possible#or even reasonable. thing to strive for.#twitter goroboys melt my brain in a Terrible way i am serious.#anyways i cant find any specific reason why akechi's trending. i think a lot of ppl just happen to be talking about him.#but i sure am finding plenty more people to block! lmfao.#edit: went to look at their page in idle curiosity & it says 'yandere enthusiast'#and im just like. Ah. everything makes sense now.
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How do I let someone know that their fic has actually helped me feel like I can probably come to term with my religious trauma without actually trauma dumping them?
Asking for a friend.
#i know im till trying to face it but#whenever i read/reread it#that fic specifically#i feel like its possible for me to face the religious trauma ive been through#even if its only a bit#for those who dont know...#which is pretty much everyone except like 3 people#and im only saying this here because i dont think anyone reads my tags#but#i was born and raised in a cult#it took over 20 years to realize this#im trying to unteach myself all of the indoctrination#its not easy#but im doing my best#i still get severe anxiety attacks when i think abt what i am#sometimes it can dissolve into a full scale panic attack#there isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about it#some ships remind me too much of the cult. its why i cant stand the Mischief Guy x Innocent Girl trope#im not gonna dive too much into detail but lets just leave that at that okay?#its a big reason i dont like hetlip ships#it genuinely reminds me of darker times. more isolated times. times where i felt as though im nothing more than a puppet#for the damn congregation to string along#where i have no control of my life#so while i do respect people who ship those tropes. i make sure the words are hidden.#anyway thats not what this is about. at all. i got off topic.#idk im not feeling all that great rn mentally. might reread that fic again to try to help
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I do kinda think peoples reaction to thinking i prevented my ex from Being Whatever They Want and then trying to exclude me entirely from the things i identify with- like... How is that okay in any capacity? If you did this in regard to my trans identity, would it still be okay? Why is it okay with the rest of the ways i identify too? I never stopped them from being anything anyways, i just didnt want to date someone who was mirroring me so fucking much, goddamn, i was okay with being their friend still, why is that so hard to understand. Sorry i dont wanna fuck someone whos pretending to be my clone, almost in an effort to mock me..?
#some of yall are genuinely bad people. like you do need to digest that fact.#all of this based on a rumor. and again i state like ive stated a million times. what will you do when you find out theyre the abuser?#are you gonna try to apolgozie to me for trying to run me off the internet ostracize and bully me?#or are you gonna come up with a million justifications for why your behavior was fine even though you didnt know?#like maybe. just maybe. in situations where you dont know the truth of the situation. maybe. just dont act on the impulse to hurt#someone because you really really want to believe the other person you like more is telling the truth. idk. just an idea.#because i dont think yall are capable of the self introspection right now to realize how fucking abusive your behavior has been.#JUST because its directed at mem suddenly its totally fine. lets not think about the possibility snake could be telling the truth too.#nawww... the guy who identifies as a snake and looks like a disney villain? im totally not allowing my subconscious biases navigate the#way i treat people in this situation. boy do i love my angel looking boys.#me* not mem lol#surely my culturally christian upbringing isnt playing a part in any of this.#anyways. i never went out of my way to invalidate them but ik believing that would make their narrative crumble for you.#i knew what i wanted. they knew what i wanted. they pretended to be what i wanted. when we got comfortable and i got used to#them being that way theyd start to morph back into who they really are. i dont like who they really are. id try to break up woth them.#theyd beg me to stay. id give them another chance and once again they start acting like the person i wanted to be with. rinse and repeat.#that was the entire relationship. i tried breaking up with them so many times but they were too ig dependant on me#and didnt want me to leave bc ig they thought if i wasnt dating them that id just abandon them and never help them with anything.#i do think its more they knew they could manipulate me easier if we were together and they pretended to be what i wanted.#thats what happened and im sorry you cant accept the truth of who your fave is and what theyre like my dude.#me not liking who they really are has nothing to do with their transness. sure. who they really are is more masc than what i wanted.#but kre than that. who they really were was kinda just a skeevy selfish shitty person who thinks really highly of themselves.#and i just didnt dig that man. not sure what to tell you.#should i have put my foot down and left anyways? yes. and i did. but i knew that when i did break up with them they would turn on me.#like they did. and stabbed me in the back a million times. hoping id hate being alive enough bc of the ostracism to kill myself.#then thered be no one to criticize them for their actions or abusive behavior anymore.#but yeah idc. im not going anywhere. you're gonna tell the truth or put up with my existence. those are your options.#anyways i dont think the progressive solution to you believing i prevented them from being things is to prevent me also from#being things. like how does that help when you just spread the supposed pain.... not to mention it was more of a seed you planted#rather than a plant that was already growing
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i think the punching and kicking in my sleep was just stress!
#i bring this up bcos the parkinsons post reminded me of when i was trying to figure out if#there was a bigger problem behind the punching n kicking. and apparently#a specific type of that punching and kicking. was super highly associated with developing a neurodegenerative disease#i mean like in the 90% range. it was high.#and one of the things that got brought up was the ethics of like. letting people know if u suspected#because there is LITERALLY nothing you can do even if u found out#so i do have to say i get it. the not telling people thing#anyway i dont think ive been acting out in my sleep so i think maybe it was stress exacerbated????#i already have forgotten why the acting out in sleep is only bad in a specific like. situation#but maybe i should leave it alone lmao.#the other thing is that maybe meds were also making it happen because i am no longer on meds#ok i had to dig but apparently i was off meds by march. i cant find when i started tapering off#but that tracks so far. no incidents after stopping meds. and id say im pretty stressed!#o ok yea it was that the acting out should not be happening during rem sleep. but meds need to b ruled out first#and im beginning to think maybe it was meds. the only other significant occasion i can remember#that was possibly NOT on meds. was in the philippines.......#hm. wait. i definitely wasnt on meds then. ah well no use worrying about it LOL
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