#i dont like bothering them with the burden on my existence or having to listen to me

[bunnihearted]

📓🐰🖊️💭

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for avoiding my husband on purpose, like, all the time? my husband (m36) and i (f34) have been married for almost 10 years (anniversary in a few months). we have 3 kids (m10, f8, f1) and he works full time while i stay at home. even before we got married i didnt really have friends other than him, and i always had a hard time finding excuses to get out of the house. frequently, he gets to hang out with his buddies who he also works with, and ever since we had kids he's always going out and leaving me home alone even when hes not at work just to idk. hang out at bars and pretend we don't exist. well lately ive been making time for myself to go out when the kids are at school (my youngest is pretty well behaved so i just take her with me instead of paying a babysitter) and i had managed to get kinda friendly with some of the wives of my husbands coworkers (theyre all members of the same union, so we see each other at those functions every once in awhile). i thought it was all going well and i was having fun and enjoying getting to be social for once, but about 2 weeks ago, the whole family was invited out for lunch (a picnic type thing) with his buddies from work's families. all was going well and for the most part even the kids were having fun, but then my husband got absolutely fucking trashed for no reason. none of the other guys were acting like that, and we've had conversations about him not doing that sort of thing, but he NEVER listens. he's always acting like this, but usually i dont have to see when its in public. well he embarrassed me so fucking much. he was trying to start fights, messing up his clothes, and wouldn't listen to me at all. just in his own world as always. i should've known because its been a decade of this, but i could have sworn it wasn't this bad before. he wasn't like this when we dated you know? so we got home and i was just. grossed out and annoyed. i slept on the couch and pretty much ever since then, i haven't been talking to him. i got a text from one of the ladies saying that a wednesday hangout thing i had been invited to had been canceled, but i pretty much KNOW 100% that it wasn't, and that they just don't want to be associated with me now. the kids don't really seem bothered by the tension around the house (i think its sort of normal to them since hes frequently not around anyways). i wouldn't be near as annoyed if there wasn't a part of my brain telling me "he did it on purpose". i know that's just how he acts but i could SWEAR its almost like he just doesnt want me to have friends. he doesn't want to hear about it, he just wants me THERE at home, watching the kids and existing solely for his convenience. i used to consider divorce, before we had our youngest. but i haven't had a job since high school, and i couldnt put the burden of asking for help on my sisters. they hate him, but i couldnt ask them for that support. and i dont even know what the kids would think, i cant do that to them. but yesterday, my husband brought it up (cornered me in our room pretty much) and asked why i was ignoring him. what if he really didnt know why? i TOLD him, but its like he forgot or just expects me to be "over it" by now. all i wanted was just this one thing, to HAVE FRIENDS, have that time away from being just "mom" and do what i want. he gets to do that so why cant i? or AT LEAST he could put some more effort into being around and doing things as a family? but i still wonder if im being the asshole, for giving him the cold shoulder for this long. he didnt have a happy childhood or good examples for parents so maybe he just thinks this is normal? i never asked because i assumed he knew it wasn't. and he does seem like, disappointed that i wont come to bed. maybe ive been driving him off and that's why he doesnt like to come home? idk at this point, im at a loss. aita?

[wandasreallover]

Threads of Resilience

Wandanat x reader

Warnings: i dont believe there is any?

The world was a tempest of chaos and uncertainty, a battlefield that stretched far beyond the physical realm. For many, every day was a struggle against the shadows of the unknown. But for you, there was a flicker of warmth amidst the coldness—the two women who had fought alongside you through countless trials: Wanda Maximoff and Natasha Romanoff.

You didn’t know when you had fallen for them, or even how it had happened. Perhaps it was the way Wanda shifted the winds with her mind, weaving reality into existence with a mere thought. Or maybe it was Natasha’s fierce loyalty, her unwavering resolve that drew you in, like a moth to the flame. Whatever the reason, love had nestled itself in your heart, its roots digging deep, intertwined with comfort and solace.

Yet, today felt different. The weight of the world pressed down upon you like an unrelenting force as you sat on the edge of the couch in your shared living quarters at the Avengers compound. You could hear the faint hum of power sources and the flurry of activity beyond the walls. Outside, the world was still trying to recover from the battle that had left scars on both earth and soul, but within you, a deeper battle raged.

"Hey, you okay?" Natasha's voice broke through the fog of your thoughts, her eyes searching yours with a fierce concern that made your heart skip. Dressed in her usual black attire, with her hair cascading in soft waves, she looked every bit the formidable warrior, yet here she was, softening into a supportive presence.

You forced a smile but the weight behind it faltered. "Just tired," you murmured, hoping it would end there.

Natasha’s hand reached out, gently squeezing yours. “Tired of fighting. Tired of all of it,” she said, her voice a soothing balm that soothed the cracks in your heart. “You don’t always have to be strong, you know? We’re all fighting our battles.”

Before you could respond, a burst of energy flared up, and Wanda appeared, her crimson attire blending seamlessly with the energy around her, wild strands of magic weaving through the air. “I could feel you, my love.” She approached with a mixture of concern and determination. “What’s bothering you?”

Her presence was like a candle flickering in the dark, illuminating the shadows you had been trying to hide from your soulmates. But you weren’t ready to bare your burdens yet. You shook your head softly. “It’s nothing, really. Just… thinking.”

“Thinking too much,” Natasha interjected, a knowing smile playing on her lips. “Come here.”

You let them pull you into their embrace, the warmth of their bodies wrapping around you like a shield. Wanda’s soft voice hummed a comforting tune while Natasha rested her chin atop your head, her grip grounding you.

In that moment, the barriers began to dissolve. “I just feel… lost,” you finally confessed, words tumbling out like marbles that scattered through the air. “After everything, I don’t know where I belong anymore.”

Wanda’s fingers paused in their gentle weaving of magic as she listened intently. “You belong with us, here. But you need to feel that, feel it in your soul,” she said, her tone sincere.

Natasha gently tilted your chin up, her green gaze piercing into yours. “You’re not alone. You never have been and never will be as long as we’re together. We’ll face this together, no matter what.”

“But what if I can’t find my way? What if I’m just a burden?” Your voice faltered as tears threatened to spill, the weight of your insecurities crashing over you.

“Listen,” Wanda said, a glimmer of determination sparking in her expression. She moved closer, creating a small bubble of intimacy. “Every battle we have fought has its own scars, but they don’t define us. They remind us of what we’ve overcome. You are stronger than you know.”

Natasha nodded, brushing a few stray hairs from your face. “And burdens? We all carry them. But we also help each other carry those burdens. You’re never a burden to us.” Her voice turned softer, more intimate. “You are our light, our joy. You breathe life into this place.”

That was the moment when it clicked in your heart—their love was a force of nature, unyielding and bright. You grasped tightly to Wanda’s sleeve and Natasha’s hand, feeling the solidarity of their presence. Their faith in you fortified your spirit, helping the brittle edges of your heart mend.

“No more hiding,” you declared, feeling a surge of strength in your voice. “I want to let go of this doubt. I want to start fresh. But I’ll need you both.”

Natasha’s smile radiated warmth. “We’re with you, always,” she vowed, pulling you tighter into their embrace as Wanda hummed a melody that spoke of peace and healing.

“Let’s have a night to ourselves,” Wanda suggested, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “No missions, no threats—just us. We can bake, watch movies, anything you like.”

You laughed softly at the sudden shift in mood, the idea of retreating into your own little bubble of comfort both enticing and empowering. “That sounds perfect.”

As the night unfolded, laughter echoed through the compound. There were flour fights in the kitchen, playful jabs regarding baking skills, and a cacophony of terrible singing during movie time. In moments of chaos and joy, your heart felt lighter, free from the burdens that had weighed it down.

Later, as the three of you nestled together on the couch, the tender warmth of their presence enveloping you, you realized that your world, once blurred by uncertainty, was now filled with colors you never knew existed. The shadows may remain, but with Wanda and Natasha by your side, you were ready to face them head-on.

As you drifted off to sleep, lulled by the soft sounds of their breathing intertwined with the joy of companionship, you embraced the truth—that in love and comfort, you had found your way home.

[sscrubberhose]

Ya got any dialtown headcanons? :3

hooo boy. ive been chewing on this all day and I think i have a decent amount to say!

Spoilers for Dialtown!

Tw for mentions of suicidal ideation and religious guilt

Phone/Typegingi:

-Is aware of everything that happens in my fics but forgets

-is more aware of how people perceive them than people give them credit for, wants to make everyone happy

-has a strong fear of being alone, which is why they bother people so relentlessly. if they were to be fully ignored for an extended period of time they would have a breakdown

-Has both the phone and the typewriter head and can change them out at will, dont ask where they keep them.

-has bitten theoroar many, many times and will do so again. is even more fearful and hateful of him after the zoo explosion

-has a lot of love to give and genuinely prefers being around their friends

-has a level of intelligence that is genuinely sort of surprising sometimes. this intelligence is used at random

-is surprisingly easy and hard to kill at the same time

-the narrator is actually a separate entity to them who cares about them very much

-seems to be passively suicidal but no one can tell if theyre joking or not

-roger rabbit rules, whatever biology is funniest is what they have

-perceived height changes based off of this rule as well. no one notices.

-breaks into town hall once a month for funsies

-enjoys sweet things quite a bit

-autistic beast

Randy:

-is actually a decent cartoonist, but rarely draws due to hand pain. likes drawing gingi and oliver the most

-has a lot of religious guilt due to growing up catholic with a very very strict, religious father, left home as soon as he could. also why he is afraid to talk to God.(hobo)

-father harped on him his entire childhood about being a burden, now feels that he owes the world for existing. this is slowly healing.

-due to his upbringing hes still learning how to function as an adult, i.e cleaning, cooking for himself, things like that. hes working on it!

-has sensory issues, has ASD

-fear of cgi animals comes from having to watch weird religious propaganda films for kids when he was young. he is getting over it thanks to oliver.

-extremely observant and notices things a lot of people don't, but usually doesnt say anything for fear of being annoying

-knows shooty and stabby on a first name basis(not that he knows whos who)

-sees Norm as a father figure but would never admit that

-has a long list of phobias that hes working on recovering from, but is too nervous to go to therapy for

-has a LOT of plushies in the ticket booth that Oliver and Gingi have given him, refuses to get rid of any of them

-taking the bandage off wont instantly kill him, he doesn't know this.

-can skateboard, does not do this often

-gets sick very easily, has to be forced to rest as he tries to insist hes not sick

-is roommates with Oliver, they have a bunk bed

-got his number changed so the hotline wasnt tied to him anymore

-is actually a good singer, never sings due to thinking he sucks. Will hum to himself while working at the ticket booth

Karen;

-Has actually gotten fairly close to the other datables since the conclusion of the game, doesnt know how to express this

-Visits Dialtown for a few months out of the year to catch up and spend time with her friends

-part of her contract with helping rebuild was better wages for those who worked at the bank. It took a lot of arguing but she felt that no one should suffer like she did.

-expresses her love for her friends by making them ponysonas. Is a huge pegasister. will infodump about it for hours to anyone who will listen

-enjoys botanical illustrations the best, next to drawing horses

-draws horses with normal horse heads as a form of abstraction

-puts capsaicin oil in her paints so Gingi will stop drinking them. This did not work.

-enjoys vintage movies and game shows and talks at length with Oliver about them when they go out for coffee or dinner together.

-she and randy doodle together sometimes

-also has severe sensory issues and has safe outfits she wears. will cry if she has to touch certain fabrics. (LOOKING AT YOU CRUSHED VELVET)

-safe foods are microwave dinners and pasta, but she keeps her diet balanced.

-her and Norm get along now and will sometimes go for hikes and chat about life(and ways to wrangle gingi)

-allergic to shrimps

-can play piano

Oliver:

-Got a new therapist who doesnt think hes weird or annoying(it didnt phase him but thats not groovy to say to someone)

-has POTS, often needs to sit down at work so he doesnt faint.

-is a HUGE horror fan, could tell you everything about the behind the scenes of every major and minor horror movie to come out in the last decade.

-works as a haunt actor for the Dialtown Haunted House every single Halloween, wants to run it someday

-has a log of every new thing he notices about Gingis biology, the log is three books long now.

-Really wants to run a youtube channel where he does amateur ghost hunting with randy, has yet to convince randy that this is a good idea

-is very physically affectionate, though he does ask permission first before touching anyone!

-Has had top and bottom surgery and is comfortable where his transition is, thankfully his insurance under Mr. Dickens covered it! (Mingus isnt a TOTAL monster)

-has a digital scrap book of all his favorite memories with his friends

-makes rage comics unironically.

-favorite color is actually black, red just seems to be his thing!

-has been legally adopted by Mr. Dickens but decided to keep his last name as Swift because "it was rad."

-is actually friends with most of the ghosts and poltergeists that live in the cinema/scareshack

-kept the popcorn and soda dispensers, but got the soda dispensers to dispense SODA and not...whatever the fuck it was doing before.

-helped renovate the basement of the cinema into a haunted maze that he helped design, the theme changes once a year!

-got those unicycle lessons and knows how to juggle as well!

-likes rollerskating, has Heelys on all the time

-allergic to peanuts

-can play guitar

Norm:

-Is aware that Gingi sees the face on the sticky note change and thinks its sort of funny

-Is actually good friends with God and the two go out to lunch once or twice a month

-enjoys fishing and will take Randy and Oliver on fishing trips, Gingi usually follows regardless of invite.

-Sees himself as a father figure to most of the dateables, and is willing to fill in that role.

-apologized to Karen for his behavior by baking her fresh bread. is actually an extremely good cook

-irises and pupils are both void black due to exposure to the wormhole. He has not noticed this. Eyes used to be honey brown.

-Has to stop Mingus from doing a new evil scheme once a month, has a spray bottle for this purpose.

-does actually have other outfits for when the space suit needs to be washed, is never seen outside the house when this happens

-Oliver, Karen, and Randy have seen his real face, they were like "cool" as Gingi is just...far weirder.

-i imagine him as strawberry blonde. Short hair, either buzz cut or just short. maybe some stubble. I dont have a good image of what his face looks like, it is just bag to me

-not great at public speaking but REALLY good at pretending to be

-is actually very good at using technology but will sometimes pretend not to be just to tease Oliver.(it works every time)

-can also play guitar

Bigfoot:

-...no.

-okay okay i have one. You could use his fur to make yarn IF you washed it. You will never be able to get close enough to brush him though.

Misc headcanons:

-heads can be repurposed after death, like cadaver bones!

-the more popular headtype for modern business men and women is a laptop

-after what happened to Callum Crown, the answering machines function was completely separated from memory storage

-Snakes have syringes for heads

-peter and his wife are poly and want roger to be their third, but roger is as dense as a brick and peters too formal to just say it out loud.

-Harry and Jack are a couple in this universe, Jack is just a very odd boss to work for regardless

-Billy is Abel's kid. The mother is unknown. probably a one night stand.

-the swans miss randy :(

-there are a few headtypes that are banned for various reasons, one of which is having a megaphone AS your head.

-Roger is autistic and has a stutter, and sometimes has to use ASL to communicate. Peter knows ASL for this reason

-The Narrator could talk to the others, but only if it was an emergency

-all Dialtown OCs are canon. theyre in town somewhere, having fun and living their lives!

-Dialtown is bigger than shown in game, including the town square which has a fountain and a park surrounding it, as well as a skate park, rec center, arcade, a pizza place, etc.

-all the dateables have met satan at least once, they just didnt know thats who that was

-shooty and stabby are dating, theyre just very bromance about it. good for them...

-rotery phone heads are coming back in fashion as a sort of 'retro' vibe.

-getting prosthetics/emergency plastic surgery and medical care is actually quite accessible.

-jerry and his wife come visit dialtown every christmas soley so that gingi doesnt run all the way out there to visit them and get hopelessly lost. theyre doing quite well!

-there are competent members of the dialtown mob but they dont really do much other than hang out at the bar

if i think of anymore Ill let you know!! thanks for askin!

[simphasocs]

Silence - Lore

TW: Thoughts of su*cide, depression, negative thoughts

So, I randomly decided to write something as I have a breakdown. I dont know, this is pretty messy and just... eh. I needed to let out some feelings so there. I honestly dont know if i wanna change Lore's UM but I might someday or something. The people here are supposed to be Rook and Azul but right now Im too tired to wrjte them in detajl. I dont know why i did this in first person either since I havent written a first person persctive in a long long while. My lack of sleep and breakdown explains the messy,.everytbinf. i really dont know what the hell i wrote but i wrote something, so yeah

I thought I was fine. Sure I was wrong to think that I can handle this by myself. I'm on my third year, I'm not foreign to the concept of asking help. I've done that before. In little things such as studying so I can understand the lessons better.

So why is it that I feel so terrified to ask my friends for help?

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe!

I can't—

I could hear a faint knocking on my door. I don't think I can face anyone right now, I can't.

As I hug myself tight, the headache never fading as I feel my vision swirl. If I were to collapse here and not wake up for a while... would anyone notice? Surely someone would, they're my friends after all. And yet, I still feel uncertain. What if they don't notice? What if no one does?

Again, the knocking continues except this time much louder. I hear a few voices but they sound so muffled to my ears that I don't know who it is. I don't think I want to know either.

I want to cry and scream but if I do then they'll hear me.

I'm so tired.

I just want this to be over with. I want everything to be over with.

There was a faint clicking sound from the door— no!

I can't let them see me like this! I can't let anyone know. If they know then what if they see me as a burden? What if they see me as pathetic? What if they hate me?

And with that, despite being exhausted in every sense of the word—I used what's left of my energy to use my unique magic. "Dream Well", so that everyone outside of my room can't get in. I know after a while they'll just get in but at least... at least I held them off for much longer.

Grasping my chest for air, I felt my pen. My shaking fingers carefully removed the pen as I examine it; black, it's covered in black...?

I don't... I didn't think I used my magic all that much...

I feel so lonely. I don't want to exist anymore. I want to talk to them but I'm scared, I'm terrified. I want to pretend I never existed. I want to be comforted. I want to feel safe. I don't want to be a bother. I want to fade away.

The thoughts are getting louder... I know I shouldn't listen, I already went through this. I shouldn't listen. I shouldn't listen.

And yet I do. Even as the thoughts are nothing but doubts and lies that hold no truth, I listen.

The thoughts that tell me that they—everyone— won't care if I stop existing. The thought that I'm nothing but a bother to everyone around me. The thought that I shouldn't have interacted with anyone so that they wouldn't be dragged into my mess. The thought that I should've left them when it was still early, that way I wouldn't be wasting anyone's time.

I feel something wet on my face, the moment I touch my face, I was pulled back to reality. When did I start crying...? My fingers are shaking too...

I guess I was hyperventilating the whole time...

The more I feel myself come back to reality, the more I notice things. Like how my vision is foggy. Or how the dulling pain in my head never left, same with the dizziness.

I've been stuck to my thoughts this whole time that I never heard myself speak, I don't think I even remember how I sound like. My whole body feels so numb and weak. Do I just give in...? Do I just let the fatigue get to me...?

I feel like I'm close to fainting, it's a good thing I'm on the bed. I won't bother anyone. I won't be anymore. I'll just stay here for a long long while...

I must've forgotten about the people at the door since I heard a the click of the doorknob, someone's probably gotten inside. I don't have the energy to check anymore...

I think I heard someone say something to me but I can't make out what they said. Everything sounds so muffled. My vision is slowly being covered in black and all I saw are yellow and white till—

I woke up a day affter that. I knew because they told me. I don't know why they're here by my side. I also don't know why I opened up to them. I still want to run away and pretend I never existed nor mattered but right now... I'm fine existing...

They made me feel like my existence isn't a burden. I don't really understand how nor why... but I tried to trust them and their words. For now I'll accept the help they're offering.

I'm scared still. I don't want to involve them in my messy private life any further than this. I really don't want to, I'm fine choosing to hide my presence and my existence than to trust people. I really don't want to be a bother. But... for now I'll allow myself to be. I'll ignore the thoughts telling me how much I'm wasting their time and efforts. How I'm a waste of space. How I don't deserve the help they're giving me, the comfort and kindness.

The thoughts get louder each moment but I ignore it. For now I'll endure it, for now I'll ignore it. For now I'll accept their presence by my side. I may not tell them the thoughts in my head for now or any time soon but I can allow them to see my physical weakness. The effects of thoughts. For now I'll be fine.

[morgana-ren]

SUBMISSION: How about a nasty sweaty incel shiggy waiting everyday for his dad to go to work so that he could have his relief with stepmom? 

Excellent submission! Love that. Love that a lot! I find it only fair to warn you, however, that I won’t be doing mommy kink for it. Mommy kink is one of my squicks, and one of the very, very few I have. I’ll do the closest thing to it though: Daddy kink. Also I find the irony of him making his little stepmom call him daddy to be absolutely hilarious.

Also this one is a great concept and I love it but it’s going to have to be a multi-parter cause it got a little bit long. Lemme know if you like the concept and I’ll continue it. Also this posted under anonymous for some reason so cheers to tumblr and its endless fucking glitches that it never fixes or seems to make any better.

Warnings: Noncon, dubcon, sexism, really gross incel behavior, nsfl things, masturbation, violent sexual fantasies, nefarious planning, horrible suggestions from even more horrible friends, absolute LOATHING of family, and entitled bastard.

There is only one thing on this planet that Tomura hates more than his father.

Only one thing can even compare to the level of abject disgust he has for his dad. Everything about the man is abhorrent and degenerate, only tolerated because Tomura is, admittedly, a NEET, and had no where else to go after graduation. But if anything- anything- could hold a candle, it would be his taste in women.

All women are trashy on some level, but his dad really manages to find ones that pretend so hard that they aren’t. Vipers behind the veneer of smiling faces clad in red lipstick and smart skirts. Always “kind”, always “thoughtful”, and always fleeting. Fickle, stupid bimbos charmed by his dads surface level charisma to quickly realize just how shallow the pool became.

Even his own mom was like that: She fucked off once she realized staying with him meant staying with his dad, and that was a sacrifice she wasn’t willing to make. So she left him to rot in this cesspit with his worthless father and no other way out.

He figures he can’t hold it against her, not as much as he’d like. A few weeks with his shriveled up paternal figure and most women quickly figure out they can do so much better. It’s in their nature to seek out the best, and that certainly isn’t Kotaro; A bumbling idiot with nothing to offer on the best of days. They don’t know any better, so they never last long after being brought home to meet his son, and those are the ones that even make it that far.

So when he starts yammering on about meeting yet another skank and how ‘in love’ he already is, Tomura’s eyes roll so far back in his head that he swears his retinas will detach. He makes a point to be around as little as possible, but somehow still manages to catch an earful about his latest fling and how excited he is for Tomura to meet her.

Great.

True to his word, Kotaro brings you home one evening, eager to impress his son with his latest catch.

His father had a lot of nerve dragging him from his room to meet you- his latest glorified slut. Adding insult to injury, you had the unmitigated gall to talk down to him like you were an adult and he wasn’t. Even though you had to crane your neck to look up and greet him, you still talked at him like he was some child. So different from you even though you were so much smaller than he was- barely even a few years older than he is, if even that. 

So polite, introducing yourself and gently shaking his reluctant hand, making a point to smile at him and telling him how happy were to finally meet him and that you’d heard so much about him. Your hands were so soft, so little in comparison to his own. He dwarfs his pathetic father, practically towers over you, yet you still talk to him like you’re the adult in the equation.

So young, so pretty, though. Far better than anything his father had a right to pull. They weren’t exactly swimming in cash, the house was nothing in particular to gloat about, and he’d done enough eavesdropping around late at night to know his father suffered a particular… ailment, so it certainly wasn’t sexual satisfaction keeping you around. What was it then? 

Probably nothing. You’d probably run off in a few weeks like they all do.

Kotaro is a worthless sack of drooping skin and aging bones; A ghost of a man not worthy of the phantoms he’s seen pass in his years. No longer the dominant male even in his own home: not with a stronger, more virile son coming into his prime under the roof as well. A beta male at best, withering away while his own son eclipses him in strength and intellect and physique. Tomura is in his mid twenties and blooming- His father… who even knows. He doesn’t care- he doesn’t bother to keep track. 

So, maybe you really are just a dumb little whore. It would make sense. Father dearest always had been a dirty old man; A raging pervert with wandering hands and lingering eyes. Always sets his predatory sights on some cute thing too good for him. 

Then again, the poisoned apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, now does it?

You’re cute enough you could have gotten some alpha at your beck and call, yet you’ve attached yourself to his worthless father who, in turn, parades you around like his most beloved trophy. Taking you to dinners he can’t afford despite your ‘insistence’ that you be allowed to pay, buying you things you claim you don’t need. Oh, how the moron dotes on his whores as if it’s enough to keep them anchored to him.

Strangely though, you don’t run off.

If anything, you sink your claws in even further, getting more and more comfortable and showing up more and more. Every time Tomura leaves his fucking room- which isn’t often- you’re there around the corner, smiling dumb and pretty and greeting him politely.

Fuck, he hates you. Hates your stupid voice, your shitty dresses, hates hearing his father happy for once.

It’s no surprise- but unwelcome no less- that he’d move you in sooner rather than later. Terrified to let you out of his sight for even a second lest you come to what little senses you have in your tiny brain and dump him. Of course, he’s quick to take on all of your burdens as his own, even if it means working overtime to support you. He’s always wanted another little housewife, and now he’s so close.

Tomura listens in on the whole conversation feeling sick to his gut.

You beg him not to- offering to pay your own way just like a good girl, but of course his dumbass dad will hear none of it. He’s more than happy to spend a couple of extra hours at work. His dad is so idiotic, so fucking blind. He’s playing right into it. He’s willing to be your workhorse if it means keeping you all to himself.

He’ll hear none of it. None of the fussing or the questions. You’re welcome in his home, he wants you there. It’s no imposition at all, he knows the house will be better with you around.

Except he forgets one crucial detail-

The son he leaves home alone with you every single day when he leaves. 

You’re nothing but a nuisance, something infringing on his private space. The time he used to get home alone to spend to his own devices is now split with you flittering around the house doing whatever it is bimbos like you do. Cleaning, cooking, pretending to read, whatever. He doesn’t have to see you if he doesn’t want, sure, but he still knows you’re there and that’s more than enough to annoy him.

It’s almost like you catch on to his animosity after a while. The way he won’t greet you back, the way he utterly ignores your existence. It bugs you, and as far as he’s concerned, good.

You try to slip him up, try to get close to him and make him like you. You always set a place for him at the table even after Kotaro repeatedly insists- truthfully- that he’ll never join for dinner. Even then, you always bring the plate to his door. He never bothers to answer- not after the first few times when he only opened it a sliver to see your stupid smiling face. After that, he didn’t bother answering. He’ll eat it of course- won’t pass up free food he doesn’t have to leave his room for- and then leave the dirty dish back outside where you left it. You brought it, after all. You can clean it up. 

All your efforts only get you mocked, and boy do you try so hard to get his affection. He even overhears you whining to his dad once or twice, not understanding why he doesn’t like you.

It makes him smile.

His friends- online of course, but still friends or comrades or kindred spirits or whatever- have more opportunistic ideas about it. His first post to the forum complaining about the new living situation was met with envy and awe- not necessarily the response he was expecting, though looking back on it, he supposes they were right. 

lmpwrst: Why u bitchin’? Ur living with a girl ur not related to and that’s closer than any of us have gotten u ungrateful ass

KingKockRool: Go jerk off on her pillow.

Stacystabber91: take a video hold her down and fuck her then idiot

KingKockRool: No wait till she’s sleeping and jerk it on her face

st8lker: Bet she’s ugly tho if she’s dating your dad lol

Oddly enough, he doesn’t agree. That’s one thing he understands about you, loathe as he is to admit it. His new ‘stepmom’, for all her annoyances, is pretty easy on the eyes. The kinda girl that would have caught his eye in an unrelated situation and earned a permanent spot in his spank bank. Thinking about it, the whole ‘dating his dad’ situation maybe threw off his judgement more than he realized.

He’ll let the jury decide: He finds a photo on your social media, crops everyone else out of it, and hits enter. Easy peasy. He saves it to his hard drive for later too. Might as well.

‘Here, you decide then.’

Thus the shitstorm begins. 

st8lker: Oh fuckkk fuck me mommy lmao

lmpwrst: Opportunity is wasted on u

Stacystabber91: you pussy punk bitch, i stand by what I said earlier. dont be a bitch and fuck the little cunt already

VolceliSwear: Whos the bitch

lmpwrst: Scratchy’s new stepmommy lol 

VolceliSwear: Nice. Hit it yet?

Stacystabber91: he hasn’t cause he’s a gigantic fuckin pussy like i told you all

VolceliSwear: Come on dude you actually have that gash sleeping in your house and you haven’t made a move? 

Stacystabber91: it’s not like she could say no cause you’re a big lanky bastard aren’t you? that’s one thing we got over the shortcels and you’re bigger and stronger than her so take what’s yours idiot or I will 

lmpwrst: I agree with SS lol U complain all the time about not having a hole to fuck and now u do

VolceliSwear: ^^ Isn’t your dad a limp-dicked prick who can’t get it up? Someone’s gotta do it so it might as well be you. Hit the bitch so hard and fast she doesn’t know what way is up

Stacystabber91: and send pics moron I want to see tits or I’m coming over there to do it myself

It’s an… intriguing thought. To be honest, he’s never actually considered fucking you before. Had the passive thought like he does with most girls he sees, but never stopped to think on actually doing it. For some reason, there was a mental wall between him and his father’s girlfriends. But why should there be?

Depraved little bastard that he is, he’s not above cornering a girl and forcing himself on her but he’s not keen on going to jail, so he’s never escalated past creepy photos and following the occasional broad a little too closely. Maybe a couple gropes in passing… okay, maybe a lot. But he’s never gotten caught- maybe the girls don’t report it or just couldn’t find him afterward. Either way, it’s all worked out so far because he doesn’t cross certain boundaries.

Most girls are repulsed by him and his repugnant behavior, so they stay far, far away. It’s like he’s a giant blaring warning sign that they tend to heed instinctively.

But you don’t. 

This is different. You live here, so close to him, so within reach. Just how close you are. How easy it would be for him to force you down and make you take it. Just how much time alone he really has with you since his father leaves and returns like clockwork. He’s got the entire day once his father leaves for work. And all night once he takes his sleeping medication. An easy, pretty little catch already wiggling in his web.

 ‘Maybe I will.’ 

That’s how it starts. 

Snowball into snowstorm.

With an idea and a lot of goading from his online buddies, a monster is born and weaned on his own depravity and escalates into something very real, and very dangerous.

Tomura is achingly familiar with the scene- he’s seen enough porn to give him ample ideas. But he’s got all the time in the world. It’s hard not to rush things considering how eager he is, but it’s safer to test the waters first. Get you nice and scared so you’ll keep your pretty mouth shut unless he tells you to open it for him. See how far he can get, how much he can toy with you before you finally catch on.

Who knows? Maybe you’ll fuck him willingly. You are a stupid little slut, after all. Most of you females are deep down beneath that holier-than-thou, stuck up bitchiness you hide behind.

So he starts with a time honored tradition. He steals your panties. 

The bathroom is cluttered with your shit. Your fruity shampoos and conditioners, your makeup, your perfumes. Tomura has a toothbrush and a comb he doesn’t use, a bottle of 3-1 for when he forces himself into a shower, and a singular gray towel, but the rest is between you and his father. Your body washes, your scrubs, your clothes in the hamper. 

It’s easy enough to fish out a fresh pair- only a couple of hours old. Some lacy contraption you must’ve been wearing beneath your clothes and carelessly left in the bin when you showered. It’s easy to pocket them before you hear him rummaging around, and maybe you’ll miss them, but that’s not his problem. Washer eats things all the time, doesn’t it?

He’s hidden back in his room, safely dodging you before he allows himself to indulge- Bringing them to his nose and inhaling the doubled fabric of the crotch so hard that it catches on the edge of his nostrils. 

Fuck, your cunt smell good- tangy and sweet but the tiniest hint of bitter. A couple of whiffs is enough to get his cock twitching, inflating into a painful hardness as he hears you walking around outside in the hallway. Shit, you’re so fuckin’ airheaded, walking around so oblivious as he tongues at the cloth that was nestled right up against your pussy until a few hours ago. He can taste you, sucking your left over essence through his teeth and he swears he’s going to cream all over the inside of his jeans if he doesn’t jerk off right now. 

He’s quick to drop his sweats and sprawl on his bed, thumbing the tip of his prick and licking gratuitous stripes up the slim of your discarded panties with his tongue. You’d look so good sucking his cock; On your bruised knees, face a slathered mess of cum and saliva and running makeup. Bulge in your throat from taking him so deep and trying so hard to please him like you always do- or maybe avoid a painful punishment because he isn’t above using his hands on you and you learned that the hard way.

The thought of your ruddy, soppy face makes him throb- fucking your wet little throat until you’re suffocating, pulling out to let you breathe only to cum on your face. Yanking you up to bend you over the stove and force you to make his worthless father’s dinner with his spend tacking across your face and his cock lodged deep in your cunt. Worthless fucking sack of shit that his father is, he’d spit in it too and make you serve it to him with a smile while your actual daddy watches you do it and rewards you later with his dick fucking you between your tits.

Fuck yes, that’s what he’ll make you do. He’ll make you call him daddy when he creampies you- the opportunity is too perfect to pass. He’ll fuck his father’s pretty whore as she screams and moans for daddy’s cock while his father is away at work to pay all her frivolous bills like the beta-cuck he is. None of the work and all of the reward- as it should be.

It’s not like Kotaro can fuck you, and his friends are right. Someone should. So why not him? Why not spread your legs for your boyfriend’s younger, more powerful son? Oh, sorry, did he give you the illusion that you had a choice? He’ll take what is rightfully his and there’s not a fucking thing you or his pathetic fucking father can ever do about it.

He plucks your panties from his face, moving them instead to work over his cock. It would feel so much better if you were wearing them- grinding your sweet little cunt against his dick, begging him not to fuck you but getting so wet all the same. The silky fabric feels so good against his hypersensitive skin, coupled with the clenched pumping of his fist as he daydreams about railing you into his filthy mattress until you’re too weak to even move on your own, his cum dripping from every one of your used holes. Limp, useless little whore too fucked out to even fight him as he fucks her in the ass again-

Fantasies swirl in his head, flashes of scenarios that tease him and work him into a frenzy. He’s going to cum hard to the thought filling you, your agonized face as the tip of him knocks against the opening of your womb, buried so deep in your cute pussy that he can feel the wall that keeps him firmly locked out of your guts. So close, so tight, so warm. He’s going to pump you full to the brim like the skank you are, fill you nice and thick full of his seed and then use you again and again and again-

He feels it in his spine, waves of pleasure furling at the base and congealing together impossibly tight, so ready to burst. His thighs flex, muscles in his stomach tightening and breath staggering. Searing white behind dry, clenched eyes and his cock twitches in his palm, knot bursting deep between his legs as his hand stills momentarily. His hands twitch, cock throbbing as thick ropes of cum spill over the slats of his fingers, splattering his stomach and the waist of his sweatpants and all over your adorable little panties. 

“Shit-” 

Shallow, shaky breaths, still seeing stars popping behind his eyelids. Fuck, he hasn’t cum that hard in- well, a very long time. Is it the thought of having something tangible soon? His very own cunt to abuse? Grinning, he looks down at the absolutely drenched pair in his hand, sticky with fresh seed.

He thinks so.

Instinctively, he wipes the excess off his fingers and onto his dirty, rumpled black sheets, swiping across his shirt and his skin. Just another ‘mystery spot’ among the rest, soon to become a crusty, flaked white stain on the fabric among all the preexisting ones.

With some effort on his part, he sits up, still trying to catch his breath. He thought post orgasm clarity might deter him from this path, but if anything, he’s even more determined now. Why should he sit and touch himself in a dark room when there’s a perfectly good set of holes to fuck wandering around freely outside?

Oh yeah, this should work out just fine.

There’s a knock on the door while he’s still wading through his gross thoughts, softly at first but then slightly more insistent. It jolts him alert, irritating him that he’s being bothered when he’s scheming. He’s already finished the dirty dead, all ready to put himself away for now but it’s still jarring none the less when someone comes around so closely to him wanking. A quick dash at the clock tells him it’s not dinner time yet, so what gives? Why are you bothering him now? Nothing is ready yet.

He tucks himself away and quickly buries your soiled underwear in the pocket of his sweats. Quickly wiping any remnants on the knees of his pants before swinging his door open, agitation palpable as he greets your stupid, sunny face.

Speak of the she-devil.

“Hi, Tomura! Just wondering if you have any laundry or anything you want me to take!” “N-”  He’s about to slam the door. About to. But you know what? You want his laundry? Sure. He’s got some for you.  “Yeah- yeah, sure.” 

He steps back from behind the door, letting it creak open a little as he rips off his freshly re-soiled sheets.

“Oh, good! Yeah, I’m throwing in my own so I’ll take your load too-“

Yeah you will.

Balling it up, he chucks it at you as you curiously peek your head in. You’ve never seen the inside of his room, but soon you’ll see plenty. He doesn’t know if you can feel the fresh cum on the sheets, but he’s willing to bet you can probably smell it. To your credit, you barely falter, even with the sheet cradled in your bare arms.

You’re probably having a moment of “understanding.” ‘He’s a young man with no girlfriend and no other outlet. Of course he’s going to wack off’ and all that. It’s cute, the way you pretend not to notice. That’s okay, he’ll give you something you can’t ignore.

He steps up to the door again, yanking his black shirt over his head and dropping it in your arms with a shit eating grin.

“Oh- okay, yeah-“

Your sentence halts completely as he starts to strip off his pants and you’re left staring in slight horror as your stepson strips down to his boxers in front of you before placing his sweats on the top of the pile you’re carrying- right by your face.

“I’ve got some more dirty boxers if you think you can handle anymore.” He’s grinning like a fiend, reveling in your poorly concealed discomfort as he leans against the doorframe, swinging out towards you. You’re backing away from him, desperately trying to keep your eyes up and away from his very exposed body, and especially the half hard cock tenting the front of his boxers. Your face is turning a viciously dark shade, stifling your breathing because he just knows what you’re refusing to see, you can almost certainly smell.

“Um- nope! This should be a full one! I’ll get them back to you soon!”

“Oh, take your time. No rush.” 

You scurry off down the hall much quicker than your usual casual walk, probably to scrub your arms clean with iron wool. Poor little thing, just trying to be nice and this is what it gets you.

He cackles something fierce as he shuts his door again, going to look for your ruined panties to post a pic but remembering they’re still in the pocket of his sweatpants, covered in his cum and saliva. A fun little surprise for you to find when you go through pockets to ensure nothing gets stuck in the washer.

And he notices, in the coming days, you stop leaving your clothes in the hamper- or even being able to meet his eyes.

Oh, this should be fun.

[sea-of-solace]

INFO DUMP: I thought i'd dyye by comitting not alive before graduating high school. Im in college now and everyone thinks im passionate about my career, but in reality im just clinging onto it to fit with people my age. I have no actual plans and i sure am not enthusiastic about the future. I actually tried comit-not-alive method but obviously failed, now my parents think im "crazy" and make comments about frequently, making me even more disinterested in turning to them and i rarely open up with them to begin with. I feel so distant to my friends now, they have a vast different interest ive tried but cant catch up with anymore and theyre busy with their education, i dont want to bother them. Im really trying my best to distract myself from my shittery but and not to burden my parents from expensive medication costs, but its really tiring.

Id understand if you prefer not answering this ask, this sounds like im trying to list every inter and intra personal problem in the world.

First of all, anon, let me just say that I’m extraordinarily glad you’re still here to be writing this ask and hopefully reading this response. 

In such a short paragraph, you essentially sent out an apology for existing about three times, expressing that you feel you’re a burden on your parents, your friends, and even to me. To the latter I say, your problems and your feelings are so completely valid, and you shouldn’t feel bad about telling them to someone who willingly and gladly opened herself up to hearing them (by reblogging that post about anonymous confessions). 

Admittedly, I have less context about your friends and family, but from what I know of my own experience? You won’t bother them by expressing your worries and fears. Any good friend would be more than open to listening, and if they’re not, then frankly, they’re not a friend worth having. Everyone is busy, particularly college students, but I know if I had a friend who was going through something like you’ve described, I would drop everything to listen to them, and help if I could.

In terms of your parents, any parent worth their salt would want to do their best to make their child happy and healthy. You asking for help is not a terrible thing to do, it’s not selfish, it’s not bad, it’s necessary and important. The cost of medication can be rough, but the best course of action would be to work with your parents, see what plan you can come up with together. Maybe you do need medication, maybe you want to start with talk therapy, but either way, you should not feel guilt for needing these things, and I’m so sorry if your parents, or anyone else, has made you feel that way. Sometimes parents are not the best communicators, especially when they’re scared (which I can only assume they were after your attempts). That’s not your fault.

Your unhappiness is also not your fault. It is not a failing on your part, it is not a burden to other people. It is the extremely unfortunate hand you were dealt, and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help.

If you take anything from this, let it be the ol’ standby: you’re not alone. Because it’s true :) Feel free to send me a message or a chat on or off anon if you need to <3

[procrastinationonvacation]

Oh wow! I loved your Daeron post! Could I request something about Fëanor and his relationship with his sons and wife - how it was pre-Silmaril and after?

- Captain Anon

Captain anon is just sitting over there giving me validation with every single ask and i love them <3

uh tbh my view of Feanor has been heavily influence by Frankenstein recently. What it comes down to is before shiny = good, after shiny = not so good -> worse -> well at least hes dead

Before:

Ok so I can go either way on this. But. I think Feanor loved them well. To have children who’d follow you into exile and then into darkness. Plus its much sadder if Feanor was (kinda) a good person to begin with.

So I imagine that he was a good father, and yeah he was rather plagued with anger at the gods and Finwe, and was very grudging towards his (half) brothers - i feel like Feanor’s ghost would come after me if I don’t include that - but to his family I think he would act well.  

If the family was dysfunctional before the shinys then it was because of being over protective. I think Feanor is none too trusting and perhaps a little restrictive because sure people say its safe, but Miriel wasn’t supposed to die either. So what’s to say no one else has gotten hurt and then swept under the rug.

Also I think I’ve said this before, but even if he’s opposed to it, Feanor isn’t going to stop any of his kids from hanging out with the cousins. And he’s fine with them coming over too. (no he’s not warming up to the cousins… MAYbe it would look Bad if they were always at Nolo’s house. have you ever considered that Nerdanel? He’s obligated to have them over with the best activities. By the feud. Obviously.)

I think he also would be really insistent to his kids, whenever they felt like “why am I not at the forefront of literally every field except aquatic research” that they were enough just as they were, and tries to show them they are in no way a burden. Because I head canon that he wonders if he wasn’t good enough for Miriel to bother sticking around. Or if he wasn’t good enough to fill Finwe’s need of family. (I imagine he wasn’t finwe to be happy with Just him)

Also for Nerdanel. Um. They vibe SO Well. Their marriage endangers half of existence. Nerdanel wants a moving statue. Feanor says well how about a dancing one. Nerdanel says hey lets make it sing. Feanor says lets bring it to life. Aule says NO.

-

After making the shinys, but before they were stolen:

Just an update to say he starts being suspicious of everyone and upon seeing his mistrust, his sons also grow suspicious of others and the family closes ranks.

I think this is where that possessive love I talked about a bit a go comes in too. I’m blaming Melkor for it. I don’t think it’s directed so much at his sons, mostly towards his father, but idk I think that the main aspect for it is that it’s very consuming. Listen I’ve been reading Frankenstein and looking for themes for my class. Half the time I just want to write an essay on Feanor, change the names and call it a day.

-

the theft of the shiny:

Like I said, I wish to write Frankenstein essay but for Feanor. At this point he’s no longer a good parent. The ambition that before was sated with crafting and being Better Than Nolo (TM) is now directed solely towards Morgoth’s destruction.

I think Nerdanel sees that and understands her husband is lost.

I think the kids see that and they know Feanor’s always been angry, and they’ve been on road trips with him before. The first swearing of the oath I dont think they know what they’re getting into.

-

Dying:

Not much to say for Feanor here except that this is his final failure as a father and person, being too enraptured in this idea of a glorious fate to kill Morgoth, and too obsessed with his silmarils and father to think of his sons. (does this remind anyone else of gondor when Gandalf is talking about how people were valuing their lineage and stuff, forgetting to be concerned with the Current kingdom?)

What IS striking however, is that his sons rewear the oath. Like yeah, it’s his dying wish and all, but hear me out. By now they.. they kinda know what this is going to entail. They know they’ve become murdurers for this oath. They’ve abandoned their friends, their family. They watched their father be consumed by it. And they swear it again.

“let not him swear to walk in darkness who has yet seen the night fall” (or whatever elrond says, I dont have my book with me)

a good point about the sons not necessarily knowing what they were getting into by our boy, but me thinks they kind of did know. 

At least a little bit.

[yikesharringrove]

how about billy and steve aren’t able to quarantine together they are at their respective homes. but no neil please he’s dead none of him billy live with his mom and the boys are struggling but they’re trying

so, basically, Billy’s mom took her with him when she left Neil.

-

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: should we just break up?

The text made Billy’s heart stop.

He knew Steve was being weird on the phone when they talked. Whenever Steve was quiet, it meant bad.

I mean, do you WANT to?

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: like, no, but would it be easier? do YOU want to?

Of COURSE I don’t want to.

Billy sighed, tossing his phone onto the counter, scrubbing his hands down his face.

“What’s going on, Starfish?” He looked up at his mom with one eye.

“Steve’s being insecure.” She raised an eyebrow. “I just talked to him and now he’s texting me and asking if I want to break up.” They had met in college, both joined the LGBT+ club at Chapman University, ended up working at one of the coffee shops on campus together. They had been together for just about a year, spent almost all their time together.

And then global pandemic forced Steve outta the dorms and back to Indiana while Billy packed up and headed down to his mom’s place in San Diego.

“Why do you think he’s thinking that?”

“Steve’s clingy. He likes being around people, and being touched, like just straight cuddled, and his parents are real shitty, and pretty much ignore the fact that he exists, and me not being around to like, help him out is probably really fucking with him.”

She twisted one of his curls around her finger.

“Would his parents let him come here? He could stay with us.”

“I asked him when all this shit first went down, but they’re like, really freaking out about everything and want him home. It’s the first time they’ve been home for longer six days since Steve was fourteen.” Her jaw dropped.

“Oh my God. Poor Stevie. How could a parent just, just treat their child like that?” Billy licked her hand, made her laugh loudly. He checked his phone, finding a bunch of new texts from Steve.

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: i’m sorry. i just feel like a chore.

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: like, i think itd be easier for you

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: if you dont have to deal with me

pwetty boi 🥺👉👈: im sorry im bothering you

Billy sighed.

“I should probably call him. He’s spiraling pretty hard. Twenty bucks says he hasn’t taken his meds in like, a week.” His mom tried to stifle a laugh, flicking a dish towel at him. He grinned at her while he pressed the call button.

“Hi, Bill.”

“Stevie, take your fuckin’ meds.” Steve huffed into the phone. “You can’t hide from me, Pretty Boy. I know how you get.”

“But I mean, think about it. You wouldn’t have to, to call and check in on me, you could just like, live your life. Date. If you wanted to.”

“We’re in a global pandemic. I’m not gonna go out and date, even if I fuckin’ wanted to break up with you.” He put his face down on the counter. “Now I’m gonna stay right here until you take your fucking meds.”

He could hear Steve stomping around on the line, slamming things around.

“Okay, I fucking took them.”

“Good. Now listen. I love you. I don’t want to break up with you. Even being halfway across the country from you, I’m so fucking happy. And it kills me that I can’t be with you right now, that I can’t hold you and help you, but I’m still here for you.”

“I’m sorry, Bill.” Steve sniffed. “I just, I hate it here. My parents are, are just all up in my shit, and my mom hasn’t let me leave the fucking neighborhood, and I, I’m so stressed out about school, and that I’m bringing you down and I feel like a fucking burden to everyone in my life and I, I” Steve broke down into sobs.

Billy’s heart fucking shattered.

All he wanted was to climb into a shitty dorm bed with Steve, hold him nice and close until he stopped feeling like shit about himself, until he understood that Billy fucking loves him.

“I’m sorry, Honey. I’m sorry I can’t help you. I wish I could do more. I love you. You are not a burden to me. I just, I wanna fucking climb through this phone and drag you home with me.”

“Maybe, maybe I could talk to my mom about, about visiting.” Billy held the phone out to his mom, putting Steve on speaker.

“Mom, tell Steve he can move in with us until it’s safe again.” She laughed lightly, taking the phone.

“Hi, Pumpkin. You are more than welcome here with us. Billy’s has been gardening up a storm. We’ve been giving away tomatoes to all the neighbors.” Steve laughed, it still sounded kinda wet.

“That sounds like heaven, ma’am.” She smiled warmly at Billy.

“Have Starfish send you my phone number, I can speak with your parents if you like. We’ve been very safe here. I’ve been sewing masks and giving them to all our friends as well.”

“I mean, I’ve been so miserable here, maybe, they might let me. I think my dad wouldn’t mind not having to deal with me anymore.” His mom pursed her lips at that. “I asked him for help with one of my classes, because apparently I forgot that he sucks, and he just told me I was an idiot for like, twenty minutes.”

She threw her rag down, her mouth all scrunched up.

“Baby, get the fuck out of that house. Come out here and hang out with me and my mom. We’ll help you with your work and won’t call you shitty names the whole time.”

“I don’t know, I am really fucking stup-”

“If you finish that fucking sentence, I swear to God, Steve.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Have your mom call my mom to set up our play date. We can have you quarantine in the guest room for a while after traveling.”

“Okay. Thank you, Bill.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

-

Billy was driving slowly through the pick up line.

They had a whole plan of attack. Steve had put on a pair of latex gloves, and would put his bags in the trunk and then sit in the back seat.

Billy was gonna take him home, and he was gonna shower while Billy tossed his traveled in clothes in the laundry.

He saw Steve standing there, his big duffel bag slumped next to his large suitcase.

He was in a mask, but waved giddily at Billy in his mom’s car.

They executed the plan flawlessly, and before they knew it, they were making out in the guest room of Billy’s little house.

His mom knocked on the door.

Steve rolled off of him sheepishly.

“You can come in.”

“Are you sure?” Billy rolled his eyes.

“Yes, I’m sure, Mom.” She winked at him when she came in.

She hugged Steve tight, and Billy’s heart fucking soared as Steve melted into the hug.

“I’m so glad you could come out here. It’s wonderful to meet you.”

She smelled like fresh bread and lilies. Steve loved it.

“It’s nice to meet you as well, Mrs. Hargrove.”

“Oh please, call me Beth.” She pulled away from the hug. “Sweet Thing, come help me set the table. Let Steve get his bearings.” Steve was grinning.

“Billy calls me Sweet Thing.”

“Well, he comes from a long line of nicknamers, so you better get used to it, Sugar.” Billy kissed him on the cheek as he followed his mom out.

Steve still has no idea what Beth said to his mother to convince her to send Steve out to San Diego for the foreseeable future.

But somehow, she had made it work, and he wasn’t gonna be alone, or with cold parents that called him names, wasn’t gonna have to cry himself to sleep, not when he could sneak into Billy’s cozy little room.

He could garden with Billy, and Billy said he’d teach him how to skateboard, take him on bike rides around town.

They would cook, and Billy would help him finish the semester online, and the weather was warm and-

And Billy loved him.

Loved him so much he convinced his parents to let him fly across the country to live with him.

Steve had never been loved like this before.

And he was gonna fucking cherish it.

[zhuhongs]

なんか私の想いが溢れ出した. i went out with some friends last night and every time i go out i always realize just how bad i am at communicating and how bad I am with people. (long meandering post under the cut. feel free to ignore its unfocused and long.. like 2k words under there)

I’ve mentioned this before but I don’t really talk much irl. I don’t talk, I can’t connect properly. Every time I’m out with people I just feel fundamentally, like… different. So a group of my irls friends plus me were going to the movie theatre and I personally really hate movie theatres. I knew we were going to one and prepared myself thinking “oh it’ll be fine bc you'll be with friends, just enjoy their company '' But god I really hate movie theaters. It’s been so long, i forgot how much I really really hated them. They’re so loud and bright. I’d much rather watch a movie at home but tbh I also just don’t like movies bc I can’t sit through them and I can’t focus and I don’t get invested easily and I need to be doing something with my hands at all times. To make matters worse, my friend's friend that I really don’t like came along. I just, I don’t like her. She’s just too loud and attention seeking and childish. Like she says things for a reaction, like rlly not okay things sometimes and I just can’t stand her. like we went to see godzilla vs king kong and then entire movie she kept YELLING "IF THEY DONT KISS I WANT MY MONEY BACK" and i was like... you are 21 yrs old oh my god.. this isnt ur tumblr blog in middle school. shut up. But here’s the thing, I don’t know how to tell her or anyone that. Like I just can’t figure out a good way to say it, so I put up with it. Things like this just make me feel incredibly annoyed. I always talk on here about how if I have an issue with anyone, I’ll just say it like an adult. But in face to face situations I just don’t know how to say things. Well I do know how to say it - it’d be easy.  I just hate having to do it. Like I don't have to say the whole thing about how I don’t like her but when she says like “simp” when she’s nonblack I could just be like. “Hey don’t say that, here’s why” and I’m sure she’d stop. Yet I can’t bring myself to have that one moment of discomfort to tell her to stop yelling in my ear or stop saying things that make me annoyed. I feel useless in a way. ちゃんとできない。 ちゃんと伝えない。During the entire movie I was thinking to myself that I’d rather be home watching a drama by myself and doing hw. I also hate going out for other reasons. I hate being seen. I hate my appearance. I know I don’t have to be pretty, I only need to exist for me. Like wow, I just have so many body image issues, and they all manifest heavily as soon as I go out in public. 

But afterwards I changed my mind a bit. There was a moment where we were outside running around in the street and it reminded me of that one scene in AIB episode one with Chota, Karube, and Arisu in the street and I was rlly like… wow… maybe human connection really is good. It doesn’t matter if I’m pretty or good at talking, sometimes, to laugh and be silly wth others is all you need to make your night. Just one moment, just one person really is all it takes. We all went out for dinner afterwards and it was really really fun. I enjoyed it, there really is something about eating with someone that brings you closer to them.  

The entire time though, I didn’t talk much. I don’t really know when to cut in in a conversation to a point where it feels right. I feel like by saying my piece I’m interrupting others just to say something that wasn’t really of any use. Really, I prefer silence with others. I’m bad at talking in social situations but I’m great at talking in classes and at work because of the context. Because I’m expected to engage there. The pretense is different. Like you’re supposed to contribute in those places. It’s acceptable to talk there. But for me, it doesn’t really feel acceptable to just share about myself like that in a social group setting. I wish I could always communicate like how I am doing here. It’s so much nicer online. I get to post my full complete thoughts without bothering any of you. My words can easily be disregarded and just flipped through. It’s passive. Posting is passive, talking is active. And sometimes, people don't really want to talk to others, they just want to say their piece. Like when talking about their problems, often we just want to say it and the act of saying those words is all we need. We don’t want input, it annoys us. I don’t like to cut in, and I can never find the right words to say. Even right now, none of this feels like it’s coming out correctly. None of my words feel like they’re coming out correctly nowadays, but this is the only way I know how to be. If I can’t post my thoughts on here, even if they come out crooked and ugly, I may never speak again. I have to keep talking, and typing, and trying otherwise I’ll never get any better. And I know it’s okay to do things wrong, but still, I can’t let myself do that. Again, I do fine when I’m at work and school. I’m functional, normal, you would never be able to tell how much is going on in my head. But in private, I may never speak again if I wasn’t spoken to. 

When I was younger, around 12 or 13, I remember something a friend posted on my first online community. They posted, quite honestly, that they never wanted to meet anyone on there irl. No matter how close we are, it would never be the same IRL. I didn’t get that sentiment at the time. To me, why wouldn’t you want to see your friends everyday in person? That would be great. But I think I get it now. I’m afraid that if I ever met any of you someday it wouldn’t be the same. I’m not really the same in person. I’m bad at talking, bad at connecting. I’m not a proper person. But I feel like that’s okay. It’s okay to just exist on here as I am. While my friend was talking to me on our drive back to her place (we carpooled) she was telling me about her life. And she was apologizing like “oh I’m sorry I keep talking about myself” but quite honestly I was glad to just be able to listen. At some point my friend kept asking me what was up so I decided maybe I’ll tell them the arcane secrets of how I’ve been into guardian and how all the characters rlly hit for me for personal reasons. That was really the only thing I thought that was of note to tell her about. Really I don’t think I’ve done or felt much new since I last talked to her. But as I was trying to explain I just wasn’t doing it right. She just didn’t get it and trying to talk about something like that just made me embarrassed to the point where I just dropped it and tried to just say, “oh yea, you got it, that’s it.” and move along bc I didn’t think she’d get it. She’s the type that doesn’t really get how you can make meaningful connections online. So whenever I try to talk to her about certain things, it just doesn’t register. I’ve learned to choose my battles. I didn’t really think she wanted to get it. So I didn’t tell her. I tried telling her about stuff I liked in the past and I just always stop halfway through. I can’t communicate properly. I can’t speak in a way that I think is worthy of being heard. So I don’t talk. It frustrates me to no end. It feels like everyone else can do it so easily, that I’m the wrong one. 

I had another friend from Uni message me about something and she was like “so what’s new with you, twin” (we have similar bdays and get along well so we call each other that) and tbh I just, didn’t know what to tell her. I had talked to her in a long time, so things had happened but nothing so easily said that I could just tell her over text. SO I just was like “work, school, yk how it is” and yea. I really am the one choosing not to let people in. It frustrates me to no end but I don’t know what a good starting point is ever. I feel like I should just send all my IRLS my long reflection essays next time they wanna know what's up. All the secrets to why I am the way I am are in there.

I’m scared of telling people how I feel about anything. IRL when I say something I often speak quietly, moreso like I’m only talking to myself. People often don’t hear what I had to say. And I don’t repeat myself. If it was something someone didn’t hear, in my head, that means that it wasn’t important enough to repeat. I’m afraid of talking and being misunderstood and never being able to be interpreted the way I mean. I want to convey all my thoughts correctly the first time. So i don’t repeat myself, not bc I’m mad at the person who didn’t hear me. It’s not about them, it’s about me. I don’t believe my words to be worth repeating. I don’t want anyone to stop the conversation for me. Just keep going, it won’t come out the right way anyways. I was taking a uquiz a week or so ago and one question was “what power do you want” and one option was smth like the power of comprehension. Which would make it so every time you spoke, that person would understand you the way you intended. That is the most ideal power for me to ever possess like it was unreal. I’m still thinking about that quiz. It was good.

I know that I’m worth being listened to and that my words are valuable enough to be heard but I don’t want to do that. I’d rather listen. I only like talking when it’s safe like it is here. I’m trying my best to get better though. I keep saying that I want to be a proper adult. I want to live right and without regrets and i really think communication is key to that. I’m trying. It’s hard but I’m trying. But still, I can only talk here a lot.  I can’t talk any other way. I don’t tell my friends about my interests, it embarasses me to no end. 

Being on here is comforting though. When I talk about stuff like this, I always see a lot more people than usual like my post. I feel like you can all relate. Really, people are more similar than not. We all have very similar burdens and pains and baggage. It’s comforting, I'm not alone. My words might be able to help someone. Because when all of you talk about the same things, i also feel seen and comforted and since we are so similar, then the same is true for the things I say.

But anyways, I did a lot of listening tonight, and it reflects the sentiment above. People are the same. I was listening to my friend’s friend talking about her mom earlier and the entire time, I really resonated with what she was saying. I got it. Her mom’s situation was really similar to my own mom’s situation in the past. And I was just amazed at how I barely knew this girl but I felt really similar to her. I saw her differently after learning all that. It was really a great thing. ANd on the way home, my friend was telling me about her life recently and some things andi really understand what she was going through. I didn’t say anything, because again, I don't like to interrupt. And when I try and be like ‘oh me too, it's the same for me too” I feel like I’m derailing. I know I’m not but I really think she needed to say her piece. So I let her. But the entire time, I thought about the things in my life that were the same as what she was feeling and it was beautiful. Life and human bonds are beautiful. Even when they are hard and messy and annoying, people all want the same things. They want to be loved and seen and understood. And in those moments when we feel seen, it’s worth more than any of those complicated feelings that come along with it. Not to be cheesy but wow… in order to reap the rewards of being loved, you really do need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known. I was glad I didn’t stay home watching a drama. I was glad that I went out. No matter how alienated I feel from others, there’s still merit in being around other people. No matter how much others may misunderstand you and annoy you, they are almost always worth more than being alone. That;s because deep down, we’re all the same.

I’m not good at reminding myself that. As I said here, I don’t let people see me. I don’t let people in, I’d rather keep them out. I’m a picky, boring person. I don’t like people easily and I don’t tell them much. I stay inside my own head and I don’t like to come out. I was raised that way. But people are worth it. Communication is worth it, no matter how hard. It’s all worth it. I need to try harder so I can be a person who is able to see and enjoy more beauty in this world. I spent my hr long drive home listening to music and ruminating on these thoughts, trying to plan out all the words I wanted to say here. I don’t think I said any of it right. I’m not satisfied with how I write nowadays. But writing, talking, conveying emotions, all of these things are worth doing. So no matter how crooked and awkward it comes out, I will keep doing it. It is my goal. 

[nazdaddy]

If there is one thing I’ve learnt in my life that is sometimes shit happens. People will do you wrong, they’ll talk shit every chance they get and they usually have their heads so far up their asses they dont even know what they’re talking about. Over the past few days I’ve seen so much islamophobic/ racist or misogynistic comments its actually mental. It’s like every aspect of my life is something to belittle or hate for absolutely no reason other than people simply not getting it or not agreeing with it. It kept me up all night because its kinda difficult to ignore lmao. And it’s not like i can do anything about it, i can speak up but it fall onto deaf ears because people,in laymen’s terms, are assholes.

So what can i do about it? Well nothing for the world but a lot for myself. Sometimes you just gotta take a deep breath and carry on living your truth. It is not my duty to teach people basic humanity, nor is it my responsibility to tell people who clearly dont want to listen why they’re wrong . It’s a fucking burden. And a waste of fucking time. I admire people who do have it in them to get into these conversations but i am so so so tired of it. You think what you want to think, say whatever comes to your head i don’t care. We all have to answer for our actions one day or another, so while people seem to be hell bent on going out of their way to tell me why my religion/ culture/ general existence is “wasted” on this very short life that we have, im just gonna do me because i am not going to let some sad sack of shit bother me to the point where i stray from myself.

[ultimatefandomjumperhayden]

A letter from an insomniac

      More of just a thought dump really. When a human mind has decided that there are more important things than sleep, there is no way to prevent said mind from remaining active in thought and nuerotransmission. As one fidgets it becomes obvious that just laying around will only make for a boring 8 hours, why not do something productive. The problem with this becomes the sensory overload that one's brain can experience, further deepening the unrest.

      As you dive into rabbit holes of the deep internet to just occupy your busy mind. You end up researching whole essay topics while playing beat heavy music with simple lyrics to steady the thought process.As you research psychological disorders, serial killers, riddles, and even paradoxes, you sit and let the stream of information ease your mind. Your fidgeting lessens to a level that you now consider manageable. Now finding yourself on the inner monologue train of just thinking.

      I always try to write my thoughts directly from the brain because that yields the best result. Overthinking lowers the descriptiveness and honesty of writing as you overthink every letter and space. I find myself deciding to just...type. type what I think to share because that will give someone and inside look to my brain at night. Of course I never share such thoughts in such a successful manner under the sun because it becomes difficult. If your thoughts are over thought they sound unreal and for lack of better terms idiotic. I sometimes avoid punctuation as to not disrupt the thought flow.

      I can think like this for hours on end with no stopping as long as something runs in the background. Stories, thought, alternate futures presents and pasts. My mind is a universe upon itself that I can warp and shift how I want. For once I am the one in control. Nothing and nobody can touch me.

      As I sit at a place that feels like home, yet I feel unrest yet I think it is for a reason. There can be rest tomorrow for now exists and why wait. As I jump from planet to planet in my mind, writing full books, songs. Imagining the future near and far. Hoping tomorrow feels as good as today. As I'm sure you havent made it to this point it is mostly my own venting point.

      I'm not depressed, or anxious, I'm free. Free of parental chains and my own standards. Though I have a sense of unrest physically, I'm at peace. Among the music flowing through my mind and the words that are produced from and empty book, being written as quickly as I'm thinking. If I wanted I could make a whole world with only the power of my mind. A world just like ours, but 30 years in the future. A world where there are titans and faeries and mermaids. A world where we have all gone to hogwarts. A world where we all have magic. And though it isnt real, it is always there. I truthfully believe that there are so many possibilities in life that worrying is sometimes unnecessary, yet the human brain likes to think otherwise.

      All I can do is ease myself. I am better than what I believe, I am capable and talented and worth a damn whether others think so or not. I have made friends with the monsters in my closet and the demons under my bed. They have become friends that warn of troubles to come and I am not afraid to call them out when they are being irrational. I can laugh and smile and cry and scream and feel. And that is ok. I can be sad over this song, I can be happy about this memory, I can be angry at my parents because that is ok.

      And sometimes I dont feel and I just am. And that is ok because then I stay out of trouble. I'm not too loud, or a burden, or being irrational because I can be like that. I am just here and in a state of nothingness. A break from the rampant emotion of daily life. I often get so happy that I tire myself out. When I do nothing all day and feel nothing I can be up till 3 and awake at 8, but when I go and play and cry and laugh and scream I often fall asleep at 8 instead because I am tired. And it is in my states of nothingness that I find my moments of genius as the creative side of me joins with the analytic and all there is is thought. And if you are still listening then congratulations, I dont think you are still listening though. For I cant see why it's probably just bothering you and I am sorry. But I feel better. Like just pouring my thoughts out into a little purple message bubble made the unrest...rest. as i spew words like a rainbow fountain of youth my fidgeting slows and my emotions ease to a crawl. The beat slowly changes with the music and flows with my own heart beat like a boat along the river. As my thought process fluctuates with the music and I take moments to gather my brain waves. A new song to a new thought train.

      As I switch through realities I see different versions of myself that I want to be, some of them unattainable I see drawings of us that I wish I could draw, all of them in different styles.

      One version of myself I see with a pair of feathered wings that fade from a dark blue to a scarlet red as I fly and am free. I've always had an obsession with flying. The sense of freedom and passion as you feel the wind over your back and you holler into the wind and you swear you hear it respond to you. Like its calling you. Maybe that's how Icarus felt before flying too close to the sun.

      Another version of myself shifts into a wolf with fur that flows from dark gray to white in swirls. Being able to shapeshift has been another obsession for me since a young age. It made me feel strong and powerful. Like I could fight against everything I hated in this world and I would win. I felt powerful in a way I had been deprived of. I used to growl when I was angry, I still sometimes do. Being able to run with the speed and agility of a wolf has always peaked my interest, just barely feeling your feet hit the ground as you are pushed further forward. And if you saw someone in trouble, you had the ability to end it as peacefully as you needed to.

      I have always seen freedom and power as a luxury I am denied. Afraid to make my own choices as I never believed I truly had any. For if I did make a decision it was always wrong or selfish.

A Letter From An Insomniac: 1185 words.

[carryonmywaywardcaptain]

Skinny Love

Masterlist

WC: 1,532

Warnings: angst, sort of fluffy ending, implied bulimia and depression, a handful of cusswords

A/N: This is my submission for @waywardrose13 ‘s #Rose500challenge and my prompt was “Skinny Love”-- Birdy’s version. 

I’ve never had any personal experience with bulimia, so please keep in mind this is fiction and I just went with it for the song. It didn’t turn out like I wanted, but sometimes that happens haha.

.

.

“Sammy, I’m telling ya, you’ve got some competition. Y/N pretty much carried us on this one and, lucky for me, she was the one saving my ass while you were off taking a nap or whatever you were doing. Seriously-- where’d you learn to fight like that?” 

Dean was almost giddy as the three of you walked out of the barn that had, only moments ago, housed one of the largest vamp nests any of you had ever come across.

Sam grimaced and you shrugged with a smug smile. “Y’know Dean, I can’t ever remember a time in my life when I didn’t kick ass. There’s just some things that can’t be taught. If you ever want to try though, I’d be happy to give you some lessons on how to be as awesome as me.”

“Oh, sweetheart, you can give some pointers anytime you want.”

The boys laughed and you savored your last few hours with them. After grabbing a late dinner and checking out of the motel you’d been sharing, you parted ways with the Winchesters and watched the impala disappear into the night. As the taillights faded, you felt the emptiness you always tried to hide within began to swell.

Come on skinny love just last the year Pour a little salt we were never here My my my, my my my, my-my-my my-my Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

Even though your hunt with the Winchesters had turned out well, you couldn’t stop thinking about the moment Dean had almost died because of you. There was always a chance a hunt might go south, but Dean had knocked you out of the way to save you. Sure, you’d whirled around and beheaded the son of a bitch in time, but what if you hadn’t? What if Dean had…

You couldn’t even think about it.

Normally you could shove the guilt and blame that came with this life down with booze or the belief that you were saving others. Or you’d try to cover it up and seem more confident than you really felt. But lately all the bad-- all the loss-- seemed to be eating away at you.

You looked at your reflection in the motel mirror, not even recognizing yourself. Your cheeks had begun to sink in and you were pale.You hardly ate anymore and, what you did eat, you forced yourself to throw up.

Nothing you did was enough. You weren’t strong enough to be a hunter and protect the boys. You weren’t fast enough or smart enough to save everyone you’d lost. But you also weren’t interesting enough or pretty enough or skinny enough to make it in a “normal” life.

It had been a month since you’d seen the boys. Or was it two now? You weren’t even sure anymore.

The more you thought about everything you’d lost, the more upset you’d become. You were so overwhelmed and disgusted with yourself that you punched and tore at the veneer of your wood headboard, unable to find a more productive way to get rid of your frustrations. But as your anger had subsided, so did everything else you felt. Your hope. Your drive. Your will to fight.

You mindlessly watched the blood swirl down the drain under the steady stream of water. You fingernails and knuckles were raw, but still you felt nothing.

Tell my love to wreck it all Cut out all the ropes and let me fall My my my, my my my, my-my-my my-my Right in the moment this order's tall

You’d felt yourself slipping for a while. There were several times you’d thought about opening up to the boys and asking them for help, but you’d decided not to burden them. Deep down you knew they cared about you--even if you only occasionally teamed up on hunts. They’d do anything for you, just as you’d do anything for them.

But you couldn’t bring yourself to call them.

You dried your hands and crawled back in to bed. You’d payed the motel in advance for an extended stay, but you weren’t sure how much longer you had. You didn’t even know or care what day it was anymore.

So you fell back asleep, wasting away and simply existing.

And I told you to be patient And I told you to be fine And I told you to be balanced And I told you to be kind And in the morning I'll be with you But it will be a different kind 'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets And you'll be owning all the fines

You’re phone vibrated. Again.

The boys had called and texted you several times. A lot of hunters had reached out to you actually-- asking for help or making sure you were okay because no one had heard from you in a while.

But you couldn’t bring yourself to answer their messages or even listen to most of them.

Your phone finally stopped buzzing as the voicemail picked up. You pulled the covers up to your chin and groaned when you heard a buzz once more. Reaching to bedside table, you tilted your phone and looked at the screen. For a moment, you almost felt...something as you saw Dean’s name.

“Y/N, we’re coming to find you. If you don’t answer this message, I swear I’m going to bust down every door from here to Canada until I find you. Please---”

You didn’t bother to unlock your phone and see the rest of his message. Returning it to the table, you turned on your side and pulled the covers over your head.

Come on skinny love, what happened here? Suckle on the hope in light brassieres My my my, my my my, my-my-my my-my Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

Incessant banging on your door woke you from your nap. You let out an annoyed sigh, but made no effort to answer it.

“Y/N?” A loud voice called.

Was that Sam?

“Y/N, if you’re in there, open up or I’m kicking the door in!”

That was definitely Dean, and you felt a faint twinge of guilt for not answering. But you couldn’t.

There was a splintering crash as the door was kicked open, but you continued staring at the wall across the room.

“Dean, what if she’s…”

You could imagine their reactions at seeing your room in disarray. You hadn’t bothered to pick up after your meltdown, and you’d have to pay for the headboard you tore apart. Your clothes and take-out bags were strewn across the floor and you really only bothered to turn on a light when you went to the bathroom.

When was the last time you did laundry? Or showered? What if you smelled? You were vaguely embarrassed, but not enough to move. You just couldn’t fight anymore.

Dean made his way around the bed cautiously, afraid of what he might find. When he saw your eyes were open and you shifted them enough to acknowledge his presence, he sighed and dropped to his knees.

“Y/N,” he breathed in relief as he ran a hand through your hair and let it rest on your cheek. “Sweetheart, what the hell happened here? Why haven’t you answered any of our messages?”

And I told you to be patient And I told you to be fine And I told you to be balanced And I told you to be kind And now all your love is wasted Then who the hell was I? 'Cause now I'm breaking at the britches And at the end of all your lines

You finally opened up to them about the secrets you’d kept for so long. About all of your insecurities and flaws. With each confession, the emptiness inside of you ate away at you a little less. You began to cry and Dean simply hugged you tighter. 

The boys let you rest and tended to your injured hands. Dean had crawled into bed and held you for hours as you slept on and off. Sam ran to town and picked up some soup for you. They didn’t force you to eat a lot, but they made sure you kept it down.

Who will love you? Who will fight? And who will fall far behind?

They stayed up with you all night and into the morning.

“Y/N, we wish you’d come to us sooner and...and I’m sorry we never noticed how much you were struggling. We don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t come to us. All these things you dislike about yourself...we’ll find a way to help you see you’re enough.”

“We’ll fight this together,” Dean continued for his brother. “You’re not a burden and we love you so damn much. Sammy and I have both had our share of giving up and not seeing a way out. But you’re so damn strong-- and you’re sure as hell not alone. You’re coming with us to the bunker-- no discussion.”

“Thank you,” you whispered. It was all you could manage.

“That’s what family’s for, sweetheart.”

Come on skinny love

My my my, my my my, my-my-my my-my My my my, my my my, my-my-my my-my

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[xxchibilifexx]

I wish i could kill myself. I even wrote a letter. So if i do it then theywill hear my last words. I want to die. And I just wish Icoukd talk with someoneabout iy. Someone who stands next to me and whowill see how much icryand how much i struggle. Someone who will hugmr and just listen. I want to besavedbysomeone but at thesame time i dont want to bothersomeone wiyh it. It bothers people. They dont want to hear this stuff. People want to behappyand i amjust interrupting them. So i will try to seem happy for them. And give them a positive versiin of myself until i am finally gone. I want to thank my sister for being therefor me and that i was the only person for herwhocould stay byherside. I am glade that i made you smile a lot. And j am glade that you love me somuch. I amhappy that i coul help you tobecome such a good woman. You are strong and you dont need me anymore because youfound your love which is enough. I trust this guy so hebetter take care of you ok? You can have all of my stuff. All those things that I had. Please dont throw my art away. It was the only thing that I loved in this world. If it is possible could you please bring it to a place where its safe or where it can stay forever? It doesnt need to be seen by everyone but just...make it last forever. Thank you for staying so strong. You will become stronger after Ileft. Then there wont be amyone who will bother you. Iwont hold you back and iwont causemore trouble. I wont be a useless person anymore who makes everything more difficult. Iam sorrythat i coukdnthelp you more. But i cant do this anymore. My sister is the only person who i can talk to so there arentreally people who i am close to... But yeah Ihave a friend who is called Vigga. He is beautiful and he trieshis fucking best to stay inthis world. I am proudof him. We havent wrote much but he was the only one who coukd calm me down when i wanted to kill myself. He was strong for the others but not himself. I love you. You are amazing and although you always call me brother, I need to tell you that I had a crush on you but I dont know what a crush even is...so i think its wasnt really real. But you willalawys bemy brother. Those drawing where my last gift for you and I hope that you will remember me. The book was beautiful and I want it to be safe. So sister, please take care of itok? ...this is the pointwhere I shoukd be talking abohtmy parents right? Yeah,but there isnt much. Mother you taughtmethat Iwas useless and that I shoukd hide myself from theworld and be afraid. That iwill neverbe good enough. Thank you, i know that now. You tried to make up your mistakes and be a good "mother", but you will never be one to me. For me you are just a woman who came to late to safe me. Your hugsare could and you voice makes me scared. But hey, you can be happy that you at least try to seem like a good person right? But one thing, if you dare to hurt my sister one more time, I will come and kill you because that is what you deserve. You wanted to protect us from "father"? Well but you didn't even consider that you are the one who should be gone. I never loved you. And I don't want to mention my "father" so I will just say that I never had a father but there was a man who made me feel helpless and lose all the hope that I once had inthis world. You make me sick. And if you dare to contact my sister again I will come and kill you too because you fucked the whole family up and you arent even sorry for it. Be ashamed of yourself. Ok and to end it I just want to say that my brother is amazing. I know that you cant read at all but i want to say that its not yourfault for not understanding us. Youstill make a lot of people happy with your big smile.so be proud of it. I am glade that you are here and dont listen to mother. You don't need to change. You are perfect already. You are happy and that is enough, brother. Keep being awesome my lovely brother. I love you so much, although you don't like hugs but its fine. Now that I amdone with my family and my best friend I just want to let say some randomstuff to some people who made me feel something jnthepast. Lina you are an amazing person and I hope that you get your 15 points in each subject. I alwayswanted to belike you. Be popular. Loving yourself. And being comfortable inany kind of area. You alwaysmake the room shine and tthat is awesome. Kira,Jakob, Vic and Nicoli, I haven't got to know you all as much as Lina but you are all really nice people and wish I could have been a part of your group.but i never really was. Maybe you didnt notice my true feelings but ialwzyswishedthat j could run away. I wasnt shy but terrified to live. But yeah. I apologize for not telling you allmy true name, its John. Dont be surpised about it, Lina and Kira already knew it. Oh and Jakob, you still look like Peter Parker from Spiderman. I am kidding butI really like you a lot, youareawesome. And Vic, I think you are thecoolest girl that iever got to know becauseyou are just being you and its amazing. I wish icoukd have open up to youbecause i liked to be around yoh. But i was alwaysto uncomfortable with myself. But because of you iwas able to sometimes say what i reallythink about others or things. You all alwags took it as a jokebut i was always serious. And Nicoli, ok i dont want to make you uncomfortable but i loved youreyes a lot. Icould starre at them and still be impressed. Ok, so i liked your jokes a lot and wish i could have seen how you dance. You are really a beautiful dude and i hope that you and youtwin brother will find happiness... Kira I am sorry that you got to be the last one. Dont bemad at me. Anyway ireally love your art. It was so wonderful and i was always jealous. I wznted to hate you dumb ass were so nice to me so icouldnt hate you.but i amglade that i meet youbecause you are really a sweetheart and i am surprised that you still donthavea boyfriend yet. You are really such an interesting person and I always wanted to bake a cake with you or dance with you. You guys are too awesome and I thankful for the time that you spend with me but i am angry at myslef that you wasted your tine on me. A person who didnt had a face. It wasntworth it. So please forget me. I alwaysthoughtthat icould tell youall my feelings and that iwant todie but i know itwould bejust me being a burden. So i shut up. You all deserved more than what you got from me. I am really sorry. Now I want to talk about a few people who probably donteven think about me. Karsten, it made my day to see you at least once. I loved yoursmile a lot and it made me happy to see you laugh with yohrfriends. I zlways wznted to beyour friend but i know that i am not good enough. Youare amazing and it was a shock for me when youcalled me John before this spanish lesson. I didnt know that you knew about the name...but it made me happy that you just accepted me as a guy although i ha ent even explained myself or said anything. Youjust respected me and yhis made me cry. I had a huge crush on you and wish i hadmore lessons with you. Iwish we could have kissed each kther and I wishyou were my best friend. Since 2016 i liked you. You are awesome but i think you never liked me as muchas ido. Keep being a sunshine. Mia i loved how good you were in volleyball and i wish i was as good as you are. I admired how nice and supportiveyou were. I wish i could have been brave enough to tell youthat i suffer in every sport lessonthat wehad. That iwas embarrassed to go into the girls changing room. That i was sorry to exist. I neverwanted to come but ididnt wanted to make it more difficult forme than it already js.. youare beautiful and i hope you find a good guy. Johanna, i am thankful for the time that youspend with me. Itwas short but it was so.ething. you saw how much i suffered but you didnt ask me why. No you asked but i used an excuse so that idont need to explain myself.WHY DIDNT YOH ASK ME MORE. WHY DIDNT YOU SAW THAT IWANTED TO DIE. Anyway, i think youare a cool girl and i sometimes wished to be yourboyfriend butyou never sawme as a dude. You justsaw the person who tried to be something thatcant even be figured out. My math teacher and my art teacher were really nice to me too. I alwagswanted totell you both that i ddont feel good but ididnt wanted to say what was in my mind. Itwas to muchtk beexplained. But my art teacheralways knew that i wastrans and he saw that j was getting sicker and sickerso why whywhy WHY DIDNT YOUSTOP AND ASK ME. I SAID IT WZS NOTHING BUT YOU KNOW IT WAS A LIE RIGHTright?? Amywag..you both were my favourite teachers and i am happy that yoh were my LK teachers...please just forget me ok? And to finish this.... Hey my dearest friend Sev, Yes i am sick. Yes I have trouble with staying here. But it wasnt because of me beingtrans. It. Wasnt.BECAUSE.OF.THAT. So shut the fuck up. I am dead because of many reasons and everyone in this letter has caused it. Yes you too. Because you left me and decided that yohr religion is more impirtant then our deep relationship. I hate you. Why did you leave? If you werentgonethan this woukdnt happen. But well you alwayscared aboutyourself anyway. I am glade that i helped youto find your way.are you happy? Well probably because you dont need tosee or hang outwith me anymore. Guess what iwillbe gone from this world too haha so youdknt need to be afraid to see me i thecity or street! Are you haply now? Good luck with yourlife. And Bas, I am glade that wehad a good ti.e together.yoh were honest and brave. I admire that. Be happy. I dont know anyone else who I know in real life so let me talk about you gugs here. @fallcter i am gladethat you are here and that you wanted tohelp me. My blog is useless andso am I. Ihope that youwill get better soon.idonthave hope for myself but you will make it. @snow-wiz20 thank you for cheeringme up when i felt lonely and messed up. I dont knowhow to thank you..but i am sorrythag i wasted your time and I hooe that you dknt have to gothrough thesame thing as me... @nouga-agathe-zed hay ehm, i am really glade that iwasable to get to know yoh, itwas interestingto meet sucha person and i wish icoukd have been a better person.i wishi was more funny and thatiwas more joyful....what youdo it amazibgand yourart is nicetoo...i am sorry that i took qso much time from you and i hope that your life will be nottoo stressful.. This is not a suicide note...it seems like one right? Haha yeah...i needed to say it I am sorry if j worried everyone but i just need toqay stuff like this I dont know when i wi b gone so j alreadg wrote this..i am sorry Dont beworried about me

[filthytabloid]

TG: i really

TG: dont want to be alone?

TG: i dont have any friends karkat

CG: DAVE.

CG: I AM YOUR FRIEND.

TG: hes all i have

CG: THAT’S NOT EVEN REMOTELY A TRUE THING.

TG: it is

CG: I MEAN I MIGHT NOT COUNT BECAUSE I’M MORTAL.

CG: SO IF YOU’RE GOING SUPER CATASTROPHIZING BIG PICTURE THEN YEAH I’M NOT GONNA BE AROUND FOREVER.

CG: BUT ROSE AND JADE EXIST, DUDE.

CG: THEY ARE ALSO FUNCTIONALLY IMMORTAL.

TG: they dont talk to me any more

TG: ive invited them over a few times

TG: john gets like

TG: jealous

CG: JOHN GETS JEALOUS.

CG: OF YOU TALKING TO ROSE AND JADE.

TG: he

TG: kind of has meltdowns whenever i pay attention to anyone thats not him

TG: but he cant help it

TG: i mean i can understand being insecure im trying to be sympathetic

CG: WHAT HAPPENS DURING THE MELTDOWNS?

TG: he just gets really cold and angry at me

TG: doesnt talk to me

TG: id prefer he talk to me

TG: so i dont talk to anyone else so hell keep talking to me

CG: DOES HE HAVE OTHER FRIENDS? PEOPLE HE TALKS TO OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP?

TG: yeah

TG: mostly other versions of me

TG: which feels great by the way i love it when he does that

TG: i guess im a jealous asshole too

CG: OK, LISTEN.

CG: IF I SAY SOMETHING WILL YOU PROMISE NOT TO FLIP OUT.

TG: can i remain perched on the handle even if i dont pirouette

CG: YEAH, THAT WORKS.

CG: ALRIGHT HERE’S THE THING.

CG: TAKE A DEEP BREATH:

CG: JOHN HAS ISSUES.

TG: no fuckin duh 

TG: dont we all

CG: UH, NO.

CG: NOT THE KIND OF ISSUES YOU ARE DESCRIBING, NO.

TG: obviously we cant all have the same issues

TG: but we all do have issues

CG: GETTING COLD AND ANGRY DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A MELTDOWN AT ALL IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT IS VERY EASILY CONTROLLED.

TG: ok maybe i am the one having meltdowns

CG: WHEN HE’S UPSET BECAUSE YOU TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE DOES HE ACT COLD AND ANGRY TOWARD EVERYONE HE TALKS TO?

CG: OR JUST YOU?

TG: just me

CG: OKAY, SEE, THEN IT’S SOMETHING HE CAN HELP.

CG: IF IT WAS TOTALLY OUT OF HIS CONTROL THEN IT WOULDN’T BE DIRECTED AT A SPECIFIC PERSON.

TG: what if its out of his control because its our relationship though

TG: its kinda different from everything else isnt it??

TG: so

CG: I KIND OF FEEL LIKE YOU’RE REACHING.

CG: THERE ARE WAYS FOR HIM TO LET YOU KNOW HE’S UPSET WITHOUT BEING A FROTHING DOUCHENOZZLE.

CG: SEE: TALKING ABOUT THINGS.

CG: I MEAN EVEN IF HE TALKED TO YOU ABOUT IT I’D STILL SAY HE HAS ISSUES BECAUSE BEING THAT FANATICALLY JEALOUS IS KIND OF. UH.

CG: BUT AT LEAST IT’S BETTER THAN BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE!

TG: we do kind of talk about it

TG: and like when we talk about it we seem to reach amicable agreements about what needs to be better

CG: SO WHAT DO YOU GUYS AGREE NEEDS TO BE BETTER?

TG: uh

TG: great this is gonna sound shit

TG: that i just need to remember he loves me and that as long as hes here im not alone

CG: …

TG: a lot of agreements about mental actions i need to be taking but not really any other actionable items

CG: OK I NEED TO SAY ANOTHER THING THAT MIGHT FREAK YOU OUT.

TG: im kneading my temples

TG: what

CG: REST ASSURED I’M ALSO KNEADING MY TEMPLES.

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE HE’S ABUSING YOU.

TG: oh fgudjfg

TG: no

TG: no he isnt

CG: DAVE

CG: BREATHE

CG: OK?

TG: no

CG: I COULD BE WRONG, I AM JUST GIVING YOU THE IMPRESSION I HAVE RIGHT NOW.

TG: thats not even remotely whats happening here you cant say that

TG: yeah

CG: OKAY.

TG: you dont know what were like

TG: he leaves me really sweet notes

TG: he buys me flowers

TG: he tells me nice things

CG: I AM STILL ABSOLUTELY NOT CONTESTING THAT YOU GUYS LOVE EACH OTHER.

CG: OKAY?

TG: ok

CG: I’M JUST SAYING THAT A LOT OF THIS IS REALLY WORRYING.

CG: AND I GET THAT IT’S HARD TO SEE THAT IT’S WORRYING OR WHY IT’S WORRYING SINCE YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT RIGHT NOW.

CG: SO I’M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT I’M SEEING. AND YOU’RE RIGHT THAT I AM NOT IN THE ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP, SO MY IMPRESSION OF IT *MIGHT* BE SKEWED.

CG: PLEASE DON’T SHUT DOWN ON ME.

TG: ok i

TG: i wont 

TG: im still present

TG: what if this is the best i deserve though

CG: IT’S NOT.

TG: it is

TG: i should be happy i even get this

TG: i should be happy to be alive

CG: THAT’S RATIONALIZING.

TG: i think im really just ungrateful

CG: I AM PRETTY SURE THAT’S NOT THE PROBLEM.

TG: look maybe i do deserve this in all honesty maybe taking care of john even as he trains for the self-destruction olympics is how i can prove my worth to this world

TG: whos going to do it if not me??

TG: its not abusive if i can choose to leave at any time

CG: DRAGS MY HANDS DOWN MY FACE

CG: THAT’S ALSO NOT EVEN A TRUE THING

CG: AND BESIDES IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU CAN’T CHOOSE TO LEAVE!

CG: BECAUSE YOU’RE CUT OFF FROM ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS!

CG: AND COMMUNICATION WITH ANYONE WHO ISN’T HIM!

CG: YOU’RE COMPLETELY DEPENDENT ON HIM FOR COMFORT AND SAFETY AND SANITY SO OF COURSE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO CONSIDER LEAVING AN OPTION.

TG: ok um fuck

TG: lets not zoom out so much

CG: ZOOM OUT.

TG: theres nothing i can do about

TG: well

TG: i just

TG: i want to make this work can we please just focus on how i can make this livable

CG: YOU NEED TO TELL JOHN THAT YOU’RE UNHAPPY AND WHY YOU’RE UNHAPPY.

CG: AND IF YOU FEEL UNSAFE DOING THAT THEN YOU NEED TO DO IT WITH A MEDIATOR THERE.

CG: AND YOU NEED TO FIND OUT IF HE’S WILLING TO LET GO OF HIS HANGUPS AND CHANGE OR NOT.

TG: i cant

TG: you just have to give me some jedi mindtricks to play on myself so im not as affected when things dont go my way ok

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE ALL THE RELATIONSHIP TALKS YOU’VE BEEN HAVING HAVE BEEN ABOUT *HIS* ISSUES WITH *YOU*

CG: AND IT’S WELL AND GOOD THAT HE FEELS COMFORTABLE EXPLAINING THE THINGS THAT MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE

CG: BUT THAT HAS TO BE A TWO WAY STREET.

CG: BOTH PARTIES NEED TO BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE.

TG: i cant 

TG: i cant do that

CG: OH MY GOD.

CG: LET ME GIVE THIS TO YOU STRAIGHT.

CG: THIS DYNAMIC CANNOT CONTINUE AS IT IS.

CG: THE RELATIONSHIP EITHER NEEDS TO END OR JOHN NEEDS TO BE WILLING TO FIX HIS END OF THINGS.

TG: karkat i cant tell him that i am unhappy

CG: DAVE.

TG: i have in the past

CG: THERE IS NO COMBINATION OF WORDS YOU CAN TELL YOURSELF THAT’S GOING TO RATIONALIZE ALL OF THIS SO HARD THAT IT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

CG: YOU CAN KEEP LYING TO YOURSELF AND IT’S GOING TO KEEP MAKING YOU FEEL FUCKING MISERABLE.

CG: BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO WONDER WHAT YOU’RE DOING WRONG WHEN YOU’RE PUTTING SO MUCH INTO THE RELATIONSHIP AND YOU STILL FEEL SO SHITTY ABOUT IT.

CG: AND HIS BEHAVIOR IS STILL GOING TO HURT YOU BECAUSE HE’S NOT TREATING YOU FAIRLY.

CG: AND THE ONLY WAY YOU’RE GOING TO RATIONALIZE HIS BEHAVIOR IS IF YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT YOU DESERVE IT.

CG: AND THAT’S GOING TO MAKE YOU CONTINUE FEELING LIKE A GARBAGE DUMP.

CG: SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE. YOU’VE CLEARLY TRIED RATIONALIZING ALREADY AND IT’S NOT WORKING OUT.

TG: karkat i cant talk to him about it and i need you to not make what im about to say a big deal because its not

TG: i have tried to talk to him about it before and he socked me in the face and

TG: told me i was

TG: i guess it doesnt matter

TG: but as long as i dont bring it up he wont hit me i need a solution that doesnt involve talking about how unhappy i am

CG: YOU NEED TO GET OUT.

TG: no

CG: NO DAVE I’M DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS.

TG: hes the only thing in this shitty world that makes me happy

CG: COME STAY WITH ME FOR A BIT.

TG: i cant

TG: he might need me

CG: OF COURSE YOU CAN. I HAVE SPACE.

TG: no karkat please listen to me

TG: i cant leave because hes the only person in the whole world that makes me feel okay

CG: DAVE

CG: YOU DON’T HAVE TO LEAVE FOREVER.

TG: i dont want him to hate me hes my boyfriend

CG: OR CUT OFF ALL CONTACT.

CG: JUST COME STAY WITH ME FOR A WEEK OR TWO.

CG: GET SOME SPACE TO BREATHE FOR A BIT.

TG: i dont want to be a burden on you

CG: YOU WON’T BE.

TG: how on earth could i not be

CG: YOU’RE GOOD COMPANY AND SLIGHTLY LOWER MAINTENANCE THAN A CAT.

TG: i dont know how to tell john id be staying with you

TG: he might break up with me if i do

CG: I CAN TELL HIM IF YOU WANT.

TG: …

TG: ok

CG: OKAY.

CG: I’LL GET THE COUCH PULLED OUT SO YOU HAVE A PLACE TO SLEEP.

TG: fuck

TG: karkat i cant hes really mentally ill

TG: i have to be there for him

CG: YOU WILL HAVE YOUR PHONE.

CG: IF THERE’S AN EMERGENCY HE’LL BE ABLE TO CONTACT YOU.

CG: AND IF YOU NEED TO GO HOME I WILL COME WITH YOU.

CG: I’M INSERTING MYSELF AS THE MEDIATOR. THAT JUST HAPPENED.

TG: no no no oh god that is literally the exact definition of a burden

TG: i dont want to be that

CG: LITERALLY NOT BURDENING ME.

TG: im sorry for bothering you i gotta go ttyl

CG: IF IT WAS A PROBLEM I WOULDN’T DO IT.

CG: DAVE

CG: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE GET BACK HERE

CG: WHAT YOU’RE FAILING TO REMEMBER IS HOW MUCH I LOVE MEDDLING IN PEOPLE’S RELATIONSHIPS GOD DAMMIT YOU ASSHOLE YOU DIDN’T BOTHER ME AT ALL I SWEAR TO GOD

TG: you promise

TG: that this isnt some massive inconvenience to you and you dont hate me

CG: I SWEAR ON TROLL WILL SMITH.

CG: I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THIS ABOUT ME OR NOT, BUT I’M PRETTY FORWARD ABOUT HATING PEOPLE.

TG: hate me in a platonic despising way not a you wanna bang me way

CG: I DON’T HATE YOU IN EITHER A PLATONIC OR A ROMANTIC WAY.

CG: YOU WOULD KNOW IF I DID.

TG: ok

[friedpotat0]

its funny because the people that should care about you dont, and the people that shouldnt be bothered to care about you just waste their time over you. 

my parents dont know that i cry myself to sleep nearly every night, that i cry on the ride home, or that i wrote a suicide note and plan with full intention to kill myself before 2:30 on tuesday 10/29, they have no idea i think about my own death often or that i plan on killing myself before i turn 30, or how my body shakes every second of the day because everything is distracting or making me immensely nervous. they dont know im frustrated or irritated or that every little thing annoys the fuck out of me or how my paranoia is so bad i always perpetually feel like the entire world is against me, they dont know ive been seeing the counselor since high school and that the psychiatrist bluntly told me i have severe depression with bipolar 2 and prescribed me lamitrogine even though i really disagree with the diagnosis and wished they listened to my concerns about anxiety instead. 

people dont know these things bc i dont tell them and i dont want anyone to worry about me. im pretty good at hiding things bc ive been dealing with bad thoughts my whole life. but relentlessly i choose to believe in optimism because i believe in Allah and he is slowly guiding me through this hellscape. i hate crying in front of people, and i especially dont like have any attention on me ever (unless im playing the guitar, then shut up). i dont like being selfish and self absorbed. and i hate dwelling on the past.

its funny when ur own family has absolutely no idea whats going on because when you did tell them, when u were 14, about the suicidal thoughts and anxiety, they yelled at you and called u attention seeking, so u never told them about the weight loss or the scars or the suicide attempts. its so funny that the people that should care about you dont, and really just prize you as a trophy rather than a human being with thoughts and feelings. 

instead the counselor, my research supervisor, hell my fucking advisor has more concern over me than my own family and (certain) close “friends” ever will have in their lives. it means a lot to me that im finally getting some love and attention that ive always needed, but never realized it.

its funny how things get so distorted in your mind. you accomplish so much yet you feel like you did so little. i am so fatigued all the time, i already feel old, my skin is so dry and my body is so frail, my back aches endlessly, my lips are chapped and falling off, your feet always hurt, your hands are always cold, my mind is so worn. my nails are so brittle at this point and breaking at the edges. my skin is so fucked up id like to rip it off at this point. 

its so weird to me i wrote a whole suicide plan and suicide note and released it with every intention that i will kill myself before the end of the week but yet i am still here, very much alive and (arguably) healthy. with full intention to finish this semester. why? what happened there? and yet i still find myself looking back at that plan constantly with tears running down my face. i have a lot of tears. 

i wanted to kill myself since i was very very young. i remember when my mom would scream at me that she wishes i was dead and that i was her burden, nearly every day, and i would go to sleep crying praying to god he would kill me in my sleep. i would suffocate myself when i was 6 just to try to end it all. i barely had any friends growing up and if i did i saw them briefly in school or once every three months at some gathering. rarely did i leave the house or ever get involved in the community, except for the sports my dad would force me into. i had little social interaction, and not many adults in my life to look up to other than my mom. i never felt like her daughter, i felt like i was some sister of hers. i never had a loving maternal figure in my life, save for a few teachers i have had, god bless them. now she only loves me because i can do things for her. when she hit me she didnt love me. when she screamed at me every day she didnt love me. when she told me to kill myself she didnt do that out of love. she doeesnt remember any of these things and claimed i made it up. i feel like im in hell. she had a hard life, to be fair...but i would raise my daughter differently. i would prefer to stay away from the word “burden” when referring to my children. 

i have a good life and ill never dispute that ever. i was born with a lot of privilege. so why am i like this? who knows. you feel like your whole life was stolen from you and that you missed so many oppurtunities that you could have taken but every bone in your body screamed “no”. its bittersweet knowing that i am finally getting help but where was this help 6 years ago? how much more could i have accomplished if i had people in my life supporting me? and that i only receive this support recently? i only had two adult figures in my life and they were both my parents, my mom being very emotianally abusive and self centered with the maturity of a 6 year old, and my distant father who barely made any effort to listen to me, both who denies any sign of mental illness or health defects of any sort when the signs were clear. 

why are my parents so concerned about my marriage when they should really be concerned about me?

I feel so emotionally stunted, as if i am still 15 years old, becasuse i am finally allowed to leave my damn house. what a life i have lived, so uneventful. never allowed to leave or wear what you want, say what you want, do what you want, because you are a muslim girl. fun is banned in islam, and in my family, apparently. no sense of humor, style, color, everything is so bland and monotonous it makes you want to scream. no passion, no motivation, just the same robotic shit for 20 years. why would i want to live a life like this i ask myself? for the rest of my fucking life? id rather die. at least in hell i can do what i want.

i hate being in my skin. sometimes i hate being in my body too. i am forced to wear mutliple layers of thick makeup every single fucking day for 12-16 hours straight because my skin is that fucking terrible and ugly. i cant imagine being naturally beatiful and having clear skin and then boasting about it, on top of that. its so infuriating. i am so ugly. no one can convince me otherwise. i feel so trapped so trapped no one even knows. no one will ever really understand. i dont expect them to. i want to do so much but i can only do so little. im too frail and weak to do anything. im always so tired, and sad, to make things worse. i wish i had so much potential but i dont. im dead already on the inside, like a rotted tree. what hope is there left.

sometimes i want to leave my hometown without telling anyone and never come back. that would be fun. then i can finally have the freedom i want and the ability to actually explore my life like i should. then i can finally choose my own path to the future. but i am confined in my own mind, in my own house, in my own family, in my own city. fuck this.

now i look ahead to a hopefully brighter future. progress and healing is very slow and gradual. the only growth i should focus on is myself. for the sake of myself. and for the sake of God. i will make it i have to keep saying it, speak it into existence, because if i dont, ill wither away.