#i dunno maybe keeping a diary or something

[vickyvicarious]

I always try to give my polls all ten options, and I try to make them increasingly less hinged as you go down. I had to really work to tie in the paprika though. Option 9 is time loop but I ran out of characters. I'm glad you enjoy it! I'm less glad that an option I actively dislike is winning :/

I was definitely picking up on that trend as I went down the list, ahahaha. Alas, that is the downside of the polls if you actually have your own opinion on the results. It's still early in though, plenty of time for the lead to change!

[animazed]

and i can’t tell if you’re laughing

between each smile there’s a tear in your eye

there’s a train leaving town in an hour

it’s not waiting for you,

and neither am I

[skeltrr]

woke up with the urge to talk about P1 again, and I got a request to share my thoughts on his diary entries.

lets find out why I really don't think p1 is secretly a good person worthy of any sympathy for his actions

I'm gonna start this off by saying that I truly believe not just anybody can be a killer. It's my opinion that Dude must have been a violent person before his delusions ever took hold. But that doesn't take away from the "this could happen to anybody" aspect. It could, if you incubate a guy in hate his whole life and hand him a gun, yeah, he could also turn out this way.

But I do not buy Dude's excuse that Paradise is absolutely an evil place that needs to be culled. Maybe it is dangerous, but his unreliable narration is something we shouldn't forget about.

Entry one. Dude is freaked out about losing his house and his stress/anxiety is obviously high. But it's important to note his solution to this is to buy a fuckin gun. Right off the bat we have his viscous and confrontational nature shining through. This also says he bought a sidearm, which generally refers to a pistol. I don't see why it would be any different here. Conceal and carry and all that.

This is not the only gun he owns, because we start the game with an AR.

And that tips me off to Dude planning his course of action at least a little bit. You don't need an AR (especially one illegally modified to be auto instead of semi-auto) more than you need a pistol in any given self-defense situation. Unless you think you will have multiple targets that need to be taken out in rapid succession, of course.

The rifle also has endless ammunition. Guess we can safely headcanon that he stocked up. For what? I DUNNO....

level 2 lets us know that immediately after shooting up his neighborhood, Dude is already stuck to the narrative that he is the only sane person around. He's trying to get to the sheriff, but it's not to help anyone but himself.

By level 3 he's already calling everyone animals. This is an important nod to how he views his fellow human beings. They're just animals. This 'sickness' has turned them into something he doesn't feel the need to empathize with. He has put himself on a huge pedestal here. Still not actively trying to save anyone, though.

Now he wants to napalm the whole town and he wants the Air Force to do it. He continues to be self-serving. 'Ensuring this madness doesn't contaminate the rest of the country' doesn't really ring out as a heroic statement after the things he's already done and said. I still think he's out to save his own skin by finding or creating some kind of safe haven.

It's important to note on this one that the "parade" was actually just a parade. These fools were literally just playing music down the street and Dude decided they were maniacs that needed to be put down. Not only that, after this experience he turns his diary into a "war journal". If his "me against them and that includes innocents" mindset hasn't become clear yet... Let's keep goin.

here he's just getting excited to have the advantage. Because I think he likes killing and the power that comes with it. He hasn't shown any remorse yet for any lives lost.

Now he's convinced himself he has to kill everyone and he's going to do it not only efficiently (what a wild word to use when referring to murder), but without any fucking remorse as well? I mean come on man, this guy thinks he's the dealer of divine punishment. And he isn't sparing anybody.

These two are the best evidence that he's trying to help anyone during this rampage of his, but these still sound incredibly self-serving to me. I mean, he does say he's going to warn them. I guess that's... Noble. Except that he doesn't even do that. He never mentions ever trying to do this at the train station or after. It's never brought up again.

Why he gotta kill the ostriches? They sick too? Or does he just like killin.

I feel like these are starting to speak for themselves. I'm still not seeing a savior complex or hidden compassion. Not seeing any tears for the lost on this one boys. also the "prepare for.... deconstruction!" is straight from the loading screens. The entire entry echoes what the demon's says.

Maybe he and the demon ain't so different, i dunno.

I don't take this one seriously. He is making jokes, he knows he's the deadliest thing out and about tonight.

The last 4 entries are just him worrying about his own skin again. Still not showing us any remorse because he famously regrets nothing. And at this point he just kinda seems tired of it all, I mean the game takes place over the course of a DAYS long spree.

I guess an argument could be made that the whole overarching plot of Dude trying to find the source of this 'infection' and put himself in harms way to do it would be the proof he thinks himself a savior. Howeverrrr.... If he does think that of himself, it has nothing to do with his compassion or his want to do good. This man is on a murder spree, his delusions are all wrapped up in his distrust and dislike of the government, authorities and even general public. He is killing and elevating himself on an insane power trip while also remaining the victim in his own mind to justify his actions.

I do not think Dude is an especially good person at his core and I don't believe his delusions popped out of nowhere due to stress alone. I believe the "demon" and the delusion/hallucinations as a whole were tailored to Dude's already shitty nature, desires and fears.

Okay well... I guess that's all I got to say for now. See ya

[ghost-husbands]

Now I have some thoughts here about 1x03.

I'm going to be watching 1x04 tonight, so that's where I am with DBD right now. Under the cut because well I dunno, maybe there's someone who hasn't seen DBD yet.

Now one thing that really struck me was the emotional impact it had on Charles. I understand that his father was abusive (something that was hinted at in...1x01? 1x02? I don't remember, that scene when Charles showed Crystal his parents through the mirror), but we see here that yeah, he was a bad guy.

I felt for Charles here because

a) he misses his parents despite the fact that his father was terrible to him and his mother did nothing to protect or defend him

b) he admitted that he checks on them to make sure that his father won't hurt his mother the way the old man hurt him. Damnit Jayden Revri's voice breaks just enough there to convey that Charles is hurting from this and he's been hurting for the 30 years since he lost his life, also

c) the way he's on the verge of tears when he says 'I could never make him happy, no matter how nice I was, no matter how good at sports I was'

So of course, when he saw that man murdering his family, it affected him very much.

I was just wondering something. After Charles gets stuck in the loop and Crystal and Edwin are trying to figure out how to stop the loop and get Charles out, Crystal and Edwin argue. Edwin seems not to have realized the pain that Charles has carried within because the latter apparently never said anything of it to him or gave him any idea that he was hurting over it. Then there was this exchange:

Crystal:Why do you think he puts on such a happy face all the time? Edwin:Because he's just Charles. Crystal:No, no one is that happy all the time. Edwin:I've known him for decades. I'm a detective. I would know if something was amiss. Crystal:Edwin! You just said it would take an incredibly strong emotion to get someone new stuck in that loop, and Charles is stuck. You're a detective, you can deduce what that has to mean. Crystal:He's been hiding it from you, he's probably been hiding it from himself. Edwin:He wouldn't hide things from me. Crystal:Are you insane? Everyone keeps secrets. Oh like you're totally honest about everything in your life?

I was just wondering, if it had been Edwin with Charles when Charles discovered the little girl's diary and not Crystal, would he still have said all those things? Why didn't Charles mention anything of it to Edwin? Precisely because he'd been hiding it from himself as well as those years, as Crystal said? But that brings me back to my first point of why did he open up about that to Crystal and not Edwin?

[monsterswithimagines]

Undisclosed Desires - Epilogue

Joe Goldberg x female!Reader

Masterlist

New York during the spring is incredibly beautiful.

Really, I love it. There is no city like New York in the Netherlands, and I love how different it is, how different the people are.

I love walking around the city on my days off, and eating foods I've never tried before. I love walking into random stores and finding something I didn't know I needed. And I love the peace of mind. You probably don't believe this but compared to The Netherlands, where my family is, New York feels like an oasis.

Well, almost.

You have not killed anyone, Joe. Not since my mother. But somehow, that makes it all worse. I feel stuck, waiting. I am afraid of who your next victim might be. Sometimes, I am even afraid that it will be me.

But you act normal. Everything seems so… well, normal.

“Where is your mind today?” you ask me, and I smile at you and kiss you and we are normal. We are okay.

Most days, I try to pretend our trip to The Netherlands together did not happen.

Most days, I even succeed.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Love is supposed to make you feel a little crazy, right?

We are at your apartment. I slept over last night, because my apartment has roaches. Can you believe that? Fucking roaches. That wouldn’t happen in The Netherlands.

You pull me to you and I giggle when I end up in your lap.

“Seriously, what're you thinking about?”

“Hmmm.” I wiggle, and you are already hard. You want me all the time. It's like the only thing you think about is sex. “I dunno, Joe…”

I shriek and laugh when you lift me, drop me on your bed. Our clothes come off quickly and you enter me and you feel good inside me, you do. But your hands on me… they are killer's hands. They burn.

After we are done, your fingers trace shapes on my hip and it takes so much effort to stay relaxed.

But you kept your promise. A whole day alone in The Netherlands, and my grandparents are still alive. That means something, doesn't it? Maybe you are getting better.

Or maybe I'm just falling for the same mask you wore when we met.

Last night, I found your box.

I thought you might have something like it, somewhere. I didn't think it could scare me.

I know the worst of you, Joe. The idea of you keeping a box of my stuff is almost cute, compared to all of that. I wouldn't have gone through it but I thought it would be nothing surprising, just my things. Something we could laugh over when you came home from Mooney's. Something that would make you think: see? She finds her stuff in my apartment and she thinks it's funny. She loves me.

But some of the stuff in that box… it wasn't mine.

I turn over, press you back into the bed just as you're starting to get up and kiss you hard. Like I can't get enough. Like I want your hands on me.

“Someone's needy today,” you joke, but you like it. You want me needy for you. You want me never to get enough.

And I need to do exactly what you want. Be exactly who you want.

Another woman’s bra. Another woman's diary.

Guinevere Beck, the name on the inside of the cover said.

I put the box back and I didn't tell you I found it. You told me no more secrets and I went along with it. I guess I'm a liar.

I made a mistake coming back to New York with you, Joe. I believed you when you said you'd never hurt someone you love. I thought I could do it. Be with you. Trust that there would be no secrets.

I just didn't think about what would happen, to me, if you were to stop loving me.

I can't let that happen.

And if I cam't keep your eyes on me? Well...

Then Guinevere Beck might need to go. Just like Mitch.

Only this time, I won't have you to do my dirty work.

[steddieas-shegoes]

Rules: post 10 of your favourite comfort movies then tag 10 people.

I got tagged most recently by @every-aj-needs-an-angel (but I also think I got tagged a while back by a few people and I fell way behind on tags)

1. Pride and Prejudice (2005) - I mean we all know why. If you don’t:

2. Captain America: Civil War - I won’t be able to apologize for this. It’s just the most romantic bullshit a person can see. A man going against his country, the world, his friends, for his long lost love? Sigh.

3. Miracle - It’s hockey. I dunno what else I have to say.

4. The Breakfast Club - If you haven’t watched it, how.

5. Beauty and the Beast - This has been my favorite original Disney princess movie since I was maybe four and I learned to read? I thought Belle was amazing and I genuinely told my mom at six years old that I hoped my husband had a big library. What a dreamer.

6. The Princess Diaries - My sister and I watch this almost once a month. I blame naming Eddie’s daughter after Mia Thermopolis because I had just watched it again.

7. Matilda - This one is depressing when you think about it, but my family used to call me Matilda because I would prefer to just sit in my room and read. And then Harry Styles wrote the song and I was like…hmmm that’s something to unpack…and then I just started watching the movie when I was sad.

8. 10 Things I Hate About You - I mean.

9. Hook - I don’t know how many times I’ve watched this movie, but it’s gotta be in the triple digits.

10. Jumanji (1995) - I don’t have anything against the new one, but the original is just unparalleled. You just can’t compete with Robin Williams.

Now, keep in mind that I RARELY watch anything at all, so when I’m watching these, something is very wrong 😂

No pressure tags: @simplebtromance @zerokrox-blog @izzy2210 @estrellami-1 (I think you may have tagged me in this a while ago too so ignore this if you did 😭) @legitcookie @sidekick-hero @steves-strapcollection @wormdebut (or work on your gd fic ffs) @wynnyfryd @messessentialist

[connorstollenthusiast]

Lee Fletcher Headcanons

* These are kinda just all over the place.. so forgive me for that

A/n - OKAY, yes I totally know he's like the most random side character, BUT HE WASN’T TO ME OKAY?!?💔

Lee DEFINITELY has freckles

He’s definitely also super, SUPPERR tan, like it’s genuinely concerning how fast he tans.

One of those people who doesn’t get sun burnt, just gets tan

I feel like he’s around 6 foot something

Lee stays at camp year round, due to his mom not really wanting him in her new life much

He keeps diary’s, and has been activity keeping them since he was like 11

He wears socks with sandals

Lord, he has this green sweatshirt that has been with him through HELL

Like it's his signature outfit..

sigh, if that sweatshirt could talk..

One of his favorite activities (outside of archery) is crafting overly elaborate playlists..

You'll know he likes you if he lets you listen to music with him 💔

Always has headphones in, even when people are talking to him

Like it's so annoying, PLEASE at least pretend you're listening 😭

He has a box under his bed of random things that his friends have given him

Or just stuff that reminds him of people and moments

I feel like he's one of those 'universally liked people' at camp

I don't actually know where he'd be from...

Maybe like..Montana?? I dunno??

I think he would like Mario Kart 64, like specifically

Also plays games like Pokémon, and Zelda

His favorite Pokémon games would be soul-sliver, and alola.

A just dance MASTER

Like wins every time, it's kinda to the point everyone thinks he's cheating

LOVESSS strawberry jam

Could eat 12 peanut butter jelly sandwiches if someone let him

(Pls don't let him..)

Owns a digital camera

He takes photos of literally EVERYONE and everything

Don't let him catch you lacking 😭 you WILL be going on the 'memory wall' above his bunk.

[stromuprisahat]

I'm not sure if this has been brought up but like

What does Mal know about farming?

Are you telling me the boy raised in a fancy orphanage then entering the army would know anything about animal husbandry and agriculture? Does he happen to hang out with the old serfs working the Duke's lands? When? Is the orphanage even near a farm?

Who knows maybe Mal is just in love with the idea of a farm but will wilt when he realizes he has to wade through animal shit every day. It'll be something like those people on Homestead Rescue. Or ballerinafarm. Someone's run the numbers and rn there is no way they're getting a profit from their farm...and it turns out they're connected to an airline family. Sort of like how the orphanage in canon was bankrolled by the crown

Not to mention that viral article which just gives me trapped Alina vibes

I don't think he really wanted a farm, that's show!verse. Book!Mal is mostly interested in making sure Alina doesn't have a life outside of him, otherwise he'll just get around ~somehow~.

Since I don't remember much about Malyen, outside his stellar bf moments, I had to go through the books to search mentions of it, and the only line that makes it his goal is from Alina's memory of them as children:

Shadow and Bone- Before

That's something akin to today's children dreaming of becoming an astronaut, or what do they long for these days. Especially, since diary farm would be the "cleaner" option (And how do they keep the milk cold in Ravka anyway?), compared to beef for slaughter.

Next mention of a farm in connection to Malyen is from Ruin and Rising- Chapter 11, when Nikolai promises to give him whatever he'll wish for finding the firebird:

So yeah, here goes said bankrolling...

Last, there is his happy ending, when he's educating the next generation in modern agriculture:

Ruin and Rising- After

Which again- sounds like a pastime of a rich guy with nothing to do, and let's be honest- could mean anything including showing them pictures of old and new ploughs, or diagrams on fertilization. It doesn't mean he's the one with pitchfork in hands, getting up in five AM every day to milk those cows child him dreamt of. Quite contrary- if there are any animals, he won't be the one taking care of them, if he has plenty of time for frolicking around the woods.

He's a strong, young, good-looking, able-bodied man in a country lacking these and he's supposed to be very likeable (Dunno where, but nvm me.), there's really no reason to go for the lowest-paying, "unqualified", physically exhausting labour and in books, it seems more like he was planning a career in the army. Even Alina realizes he's happy there, and if we're to believe her in this, his career was promising.

Shadow and Bone & Siege and Storm- Chapters 17

So yeah- if a farm remained something he fantasised about even as an adult, it was likely the way rich or town folk think about it- running around pastures with sun at his back, cows and sheep feeding themselves, no upkeep necessary.

It's likely about an idea of stable source of income and owning a property, I don't think it would involve nearly as much mud as it realistically does, much less the proper amount of shit.

It's possible I've missed something, but then again- Malyen's good in ~everything~, so perhaps he used to muck out as a part of his childhood chores and now he can do it all, but I'm more inclined to believe his dream came true even in this and he simply has people, who know when, what and how.

[talenlee]

Talen's Birthday, 2024

Somehow this one feels less of a big deal than last year. I dunno, maybe it’s because turning forty has been a big monument in my mind, turning forty-one feels just like turning forty again.

I had a fanciful idea that I could do something with the fact that 41 is a prime age; that I have turned 1, 3, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37 and now 41, and then I thought it’d be interesting to see if I ever turned a prime age in a prime year. Now, if you’re at all good at math you’d be able to point out that by being born in 1983, every year I turn an odd age, the year is even and vice versa, meaning that for roughly half the population at any time, they’re never a prime age on a prime year, since no even number is a prime.

It’s not a complicated math puzzle here.

Making a birthday post on my birthday doesn’t feel that special now. It’s not a milestone, it’s not important. Comically, because City of Heroes is burned into my brain, I do think of 41 as a level where you used to get access to your first Epic Power Pool choice (except now you get them at level 35, which is cool). It’s good though: This was a good way to fight the anxiety of the birthday. I remember when I turned 35 I had a real horrible moment thinking I was done, that I had wasted my entire life up to that point. I remember part of what made it okay was seeing Adam Savidan on Youtube, playing Magic: The Gathering and saying ‘I’m thirty five or thirty four years old and I don’t need this.’

A thing about Loading Ready Run that makes me feel a tiny bit bad is that it’s this big long project that a bunch of friends have been making and running for twenty years, as an ongoing hobby that became a job and then became an institution managing multiple people creating things. Sometimes I get sad thinking about how what got that big project to happen was, in part, two dudes with supportive parents and supportive school supplies in the late 90s were able to work on a project, together, for long enough to become very good at it.

How do you do something for twenty years?

Well, you start.

You start, and you keep working on it while you work on things.

The internet of today is poisoned. The internet of today demands you create for it, it wants you to produce Content. Your status updates, your pictures, your everyday drama, your existence, they are all things that are being fed into advertising machine to space out the ads in the name of being ‘content.’ It isn’t how it used to be. It used to be people had websites for their special interests, the interest being the primary thing. My first website I can remember was an Animorphs fanfiction space, and I remembered how when I stopped trying to host other people’s fanfiction, and instead just hosted my own, the one author I took down got sad at me. She was probably also like, fourteen like I was.

It used to be that people made things because they wanted to share them. It used to be that people were making websites and stories and web-novels and web-comics and diaries and blogs and vlogs and microgames and RPGs and they were making stuff. It was stuff. It was not for consuming in its own continual sense, it was not being part of a pipe of things that were fed to you, it was not content, it was a lot of different stuff and that difference gave everyone a reason to do things.

But now, it’s Content.

Now, your effort, your creative material, is being pushed into a single tube for four companies who suck and you know they suck and you don’t like them and yet you make things for them anyway. Because that’s where it is. That’s where the habit forms.

Arbor Day - The Lads // Arbor Day

Watch this video on YouTube

I’m fond of this song, Arbor Day by a band that can be politely described as ‘pretty good, for a Church choir.’ The song, very simply, is that hey, do you need a reason to make a change in your life? Well, today is Arbor day, that’s a good enough reason.’ It’s been an idea bubbling around in my head that yeah, Arbor Day is a nearly arbitary reason to make a big change in your life, but that may be all you need. Sometimes you just need something, anything to mark the psychological change between ‘before I tried this’ to ‘after I tried this.’

Here’s my request for you, on my birthday.

There is something you want to make. There is something you care about. There is something you are interested in trying. Today is a day to do that. Today is a day to even just describe a plan, or a hope. Do you want to write a book? Write a description of what that book is about. A series of books? Describe all of them! Do you want to make games? Start, download one of the programs you need to use today.

Don’t waste money on things for this post’s sake, but you know there are steps you can take to make things, and I want you to make them. I believe in a world where people make things because we like making things, I believe in a world of creative people playing with creativity, and I believe that the important thing of online spaces ie being able to share them.

So please, make something, and show it to me.

No matter how small it is, no matter how little progress on it you get to make. Just spend a little time today starting something, continuing something or finishing something.

I’ll be proud of you, no matter what.

I promise.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[straightfacedstrangeness]

Thinkin’ again what a weird little place this blog is for me on the Internet. Like my description says XD it really is a combination “archive of things I like (funny or pretty or interesting or just fandom-related)” + “archive of my non-fanart fandom posts” (all my art is on my main except for some really dumb or unhinged stuff) + “way-too-personal diary.” I’ve been trying to keep this blog secret / unconnected to my main for the past several years to avoid overexposing the “personal diary” type stuff I can’t stop posting because “oh goddddd i’m so lonelyyyyy someone listen to meeeee” (and yes I realize that’s literally what I’m doing right now) but also like, at this point it’s just becoming a feedback loop where I keep posting here because I’ve ALWAYS posted here but none of my friends are active anymore so I just keep constantly checking for notifications (attention) that I’m just not getting.

But on the other hand, thinking “well, I should probably stop with the personal diary stuff, but maybe I should start a fandom account on some other site that might be more active” also forces me to confront the question “would anyone REALLY want to see my opinions and headcanons and screenshots of the same character over and over?” and it just seems so narcissistic to be posting any of this stuff at all. Though it is really relieving to just type out and post my thoughts so they’re not just swirling and repeating endlessly in my brain as they would otherwise.

I dunno what I’m getting at here, guess I’m just typing this out for all the reasons lined out above. Just dunno what I can do to be more social on the internet (my options are extremely limited IRL) when my brain is wired to interact in a certain way and the people I used to interact with aren’t engaging with me in that way anymore. I don’t think I like Discord servers (and them generally being fandom-based means I’d drop out every time my interests changed), direct messaging someone out of the blue is weird and terrifying to me, and I dunno if people I used to know are hanging out on some social media besides the 2 that I use or if they’re just spending less time online (and are therefore inaccessible to me).

I guess if anyone has suggestions for social media alternatives or something, let me know, otherwise congrats on making it to the end of this vent or whatever.

[hxlda-hxlda]

valentines snippet!

thank you for the tag from the loveliest of lovelies, @fiddleleafedfig <3 blessed is the day i wake up to a new snippet from them.

ok anyway have one from the new wip that’s taken over my life:

“I’m being serious, you know.”

“Actually, I’m–”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

“Fine.”

“Just listen.”

“Listening.”

“My point before you interrupted, wanker, was that you might like reading more of his stuff. Of any of these muggle authors.”

“Are you giving me homework now, Professor Lupin?”

Lupin wrinkled his nose.

“What?” Sirius asked, rolling onto his side to see him better. “What’s that face for?”

“Just… would hate to be a professor, I think,” Lupin said after a beat. “Having to put up with stupid kids all day and all that rubbish.”

“Nah,” Sirius replied without hesitation. “I think you’d be a brilliant teacher.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, you put up with me and James all the time, don’t you? We’re giving you all the practice you’ll ever need.”

Remus snorted a laugh.

“And,” Sirius pressed on, “you’d get to be all bookish all day! Scrawling in your little diaries and… whatever else teachers do. Dunno, really.”

“You’d have to actually pay attention to the teachers to know what they do, makes sense you haven’t a clue.”

“Hey! I beat you on that last Charms exam.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“Besides,” Sirius said rather out of nowhere, when they’d fallen into something of a lull and it seemed Lupin might start reading again, “you’ve also got a lovely voice. The kind of thing your students wouldn’t mind paying attention to. Even I would listen in History of Magic if you were the one droning on, I reckon.”

Remus remained quiet, and Sirius wondered if he’d said something wrong. But when he looked over again, Lupin looked nothing short of his usual stoic self, kind of blank and a little bit red around the ears. “You right there, Lupin?”

“Piss off.”

“And, he’s back. Go on, keep reading about the talking foxes. I want to know if this chicken heist goes to plan. Maybe we could learn a thing or two from them, conduct our own heist on the Slytherins or something.”

np tags! @mblematic @just--vi @bellaxisworld @iliketoreadstuf @spaceandotheroddities

wishing a happiest of valentines days to everyone, i claim you all to be my valentines. it’s just the rules, all of my mutuals are my valentines now.

[radioactiveswampmonsters]

So I started HRT

I can't believe that's a sentence I get to type?? Going on T always felt like a crazy distant thing to me that I would never get or would be in the distant future (but the distant future was like always still further off forever, there was no getting closer to when the future would be).

Anyway, for my own sake, I think I wanna do like.. a little diary thing? Just something to look back on in the future, see all the progress and everything.

So this really started last Monday. I had a dream that I was going to Planned Parenthood to start HRT, but I got turned away cause they weren't doing that anymore. They gave me places that still were, but I felt embarrassed and discouraged and I didn't take it, and when I woke up, I was... a lot more upset about all that than I think I reasonably should have been. I've had dreams before of like medically transitioning, or like going to appointments and stuff like that so idk why this was different, but it was I guess! Different enough that that, plus I guess a combination of it was already a busy day and I was mad at work, I very spur of the moment just made an appointment to go that Thursday. And finally do it.

Zab was the first person I told like immediately after I booked it and got the confirmation that it was booked, cause of course I had to and their reaction was wonderful, they're my rock honestly through so many things and I'm grateful for them always.

Laz, I told that night and their reaction was also just... I don't think I'll ever forget it, I love them very much and that moment is something I think I'm gonna hold in my heart forever.

I can't stop thinking of Zab telling me repeatedly that they're proud of me, and Laz repeatedly saying finally!!

I love my friends so much.

I think part of what makes this so surreal and strange is like... this was so easy? Like there was no special occasion anything with it, this is just. It's Thursday. It's just a normal Thursday! Like it's not now, February 8th is huge now, but like wow what the fuck. Like I waited til my birthday last year to get my ears pierced cause that was like An Occasion, and something special to do, but this like... it's not revolving around anything! I could just go on my phone and make an appointment with planned parenthood immediately and i did!! It's just another Thursday!! idk something something making special or beauty in the mundane idk I have an appointment thursday that's gonna change my life and it's just another thursday

I keep having butterflies in my stomach throughout the week. Like I'll being going about my day, then I remember, or I get an appointment reminder (by the time it got to thursday there were three and it made me smile so big every time), and I get butterflies and it feels all so surreal again. I think part of me expects that I'll get there and it won't be real? Or they'll maybe turn me away?? I know they won't but I dunno. I've also always been like this though, I've moved so much, and everything is normal and business and usual and then I move and it's still fine and I'm going through the motions then it's not til like I'm THERE that it's like oh fuck I live somewhere else entirely else now. I moved three years ago, and still there's times when I go into my apartment and i'm hit with like a moment of Awareness i guess and I'm suddenly like holy shit I live here. I'm fully responsible for myself and this place, this is My Home. I don't live with my parents anymore, this is me. I make Decisions. So y'know. It's fine

I got asked to take an extra shift at work, thursday is normally the start of my weekend, and I said no I have a doctor's appointment (and that was so fun to say for once and remember hehehe this is happening and it's TOMORROW) and anyway I eventually relented to taking a morning shift - I stressed so many times i had to be out by 11. I know eventually I'll have to tell them what's going on cause like the changes will be Perceived, but also for now I'm enjoying the little secret inside joke with myself

IT'S THURSDAY. IT'S TODAY. It's also an ungodly time, 5 fucking am, it was a mistake to take an extra morning shift. Money good, but I am so very tired and evil. At least it was quiet/normal amounts of busy. And I got out before the lunch rush so I'll take it. There's still so much day ahead of me, it's only 11 am, i have 3 hours til my appointment and I'm Being Very Normal. I also have new glasses now that I think make look kinda like a cartoon character, but it's fun

I'm the most colorfully dressed person here at the planned parenthood. I planned my outfit out so much cause it's like the whole meme of wearing a suit to whatever, except it's my favorite rainbow overalls and I feel like I;m a bit a parody of myself, but also like... idk man it feels right. It's also warm enough I can finally wear flip flops so wins all around

my nurse tech had meow wolf pins on her lanyard which was awesome, im taking this as another sign - one was even the one i had from going to the real unreal opening. they had to stick me twice to draw my blood cause my left arm wouldn't cooperate, but needles i guess just dont bother me as much as they used to which is something im actually really grateful for! idk when that changed or how or why, but im glad i can at least get stuck without having like a full panic or meltdown anymore! ^^^ that's gonna be real helpful, being chill about needles, since I have A REAL PRESCRIPTION NOW HOLY FUCK

i was giving zab updates the whole time and they asked me when my injection appointment was (again i love zab so much, they've been cheering me on this whole time, like that's not a SHOCK, but still oh my god idk what i did to deserve them), and I said i dont think i have one?? my appointment was actually pretty fast and easy - it was a lot of disclaimers and new patient info stuff, but yeah like they just gave me my prescription and a guide on how to inject yourself and said yeah you can go as soon as you pick it up, go at it! and zab described that was ah they're just letting you rawdog that and i thought that was really funny lmao

something about seeing an actual doctor note that says ON PAPER (or app, but whatever it's all doctor's notes) that i have dysphoria is weirdly huge for me?? i dunno why that warmed me, but that had me feeling a way like this isn't just me, this is Real also screaming singing the trans lyrics in mama from mcr after your first hrt appointment is a fun experience 10/10 recommend lol

MY PRESCRIPTION IS READY!!! the place said it wouldn't be til friday after 4, BUT NO! IT'S A WHOLE FOUR HOURS EARLY I HAVE TESTOSTERONE!!!!!!

Fae also now knows cause we were supposed to do our taxes together (like tradition) and I was already late to our video call cause I was picking up MY PRESCRIPTIOOOOON and i didn't wanna keep them waiting anymore so i said fuck it you wanna know a secret? im on t, im doing my t shot now. let's go brother, you and me. (their reaction was also wonderful, i love them very much) the t shot itself was actually fine??? zab had said it wasn't too bad actually, but i was still kinda anxious and worried, but they were right it didn't actually even hurt. i did fuck it up a little tho lmaoooo (jumping to the end, some of it?? came out of it when i pulled the needle out?? so oops on that) but the biggest fuck up was i got the fucking 22 gauge fucking needle stuck on the syringe when i was drawing it into the syringe 🙃🙃i freaked out cause i couldn't get it off, fae was trying to help by looking up what to do, and anyway that's how i also came out that i started hrt to all my local in town friends cause i said hey i fucked up can someone who is strong get it off for me or at least lend me some pliers???? (the good news was a bit after that i did also get it off myself, and the smaller needle came off easy too so it's FINE i think i know what i did wrong, but oh my god this was a roller coaster for baby's first shot oh my GOD)

APPARENTLY I ALSO ACCIDENTALLY CAME OUT TO ZEYDA TOO CAUSE I FORGOT ZEYDA WAS ALSO IN GRIMM'S CHAT FUCK ME it;s...... fine.... i had plans to do it personally over call, zeyda is very cool and kind, but i feel kinda bad now

it is saturday and i feel like i've been hit with a truck. that ?? was a great night of sleep, like i don't sleep well in general, but i slept super great last night, but OH MAN.... do i feel soooo fucking tired and foggy headed. like i feel floaty...? but also weirdly like i have energy in my joints. my joints are jelly and i could walk, but im also so sleepy and cant focus or think like at all? i tried playing some sims, but even that i couldn't do for super long, i am mush

i told my parents about this as well, and that's maybe been the only disappointment so far. their reaction wasn't BAD, but idk i guess i was expecting more? it's fine, my mom and i talked after so like it's genuinely not a problem, but yeah i dunno. just wanted more initial excitement from them too i guess. i had dinner with friends, food helped a little with the whole no energy thing oops of course, but in general it was just nice seeing them

i just keep feeling so heavy and tired. and like i have a headache? but it doesn't like, hurt, it's just like. pressure. like i have a head and i sure can feel it. i know this is normal, im not worried, but it sure is here! im not upset about it tho, it's like oh wow it's tired forever cause im hormones now!!! wow!!! ahhhhh!!!!

it's monday and i feel like i have brain again lol im still tired, but i feel a bit more leveled at least, somewhat more normal. Something I've noticed is my knee isn't having as many problems??? like i can stand and walk and im having less pain in it which is pretty cool

i told the rest of my friends now, and im glad for it, i dont wanna keep dancing around this, i like sharing and wanna yell about all of this! especially with them, i love them all so dearly after i told everyone (after break for waystation, shout out to waystation my beloved) diego told me to watch out for gundams. he basically said boys be shopping and gundams are a siren call for all men so beware. I feel like I'm on cloud 9

tuesday! four days after my first shot. something i've noticed is, at least so far, i've been less angry? work, particularly when it gets busy like it always does, i used to always be quick to getting so annoyed and mad cause i was just so overwhelmed with how busy it was. and like monday, it actually wasn't as busy a day. today it was normal levels of work and everything, and like sure i was still getting annoyed, especially cause like always i just take more calls than others and i KNOW i do, but like... it didn't feel as strong? i was still getting annoyed, but not getting so heated. it felt duller, less heavy than usual. idk if that's just a symptom of having no energy in general or the t itself, but i hope this stays. not being so angry at work everyday would be really nice. i like feeling like i don't have to maybe prepare for having yet another breakdown at work and also some of the annoyance was on me - i started listening to the night circus audiobook today and shock and awe i got annoyed that work was interrupting my book when i was at work - but i mean, even when i was just sitting there, not listening to my book, getting back to back calls... like i handled it a lot better than i usually do. i know it's too early to tell, but seriously can't stress enough how much i hope this is a real actual change, just t leveling out my emotions and mood too please

[bluforgetmenots]

★ Sunday, 1st of September, 2024.

I don't have a very extensive list of talents, I'm okay at writing, and I tend to like making and designing characters, at that though I can't draw. My grammar can always use some work, too. I guess making sentences that link to what I was talking about isn't a strong suit.

Im not trying to write anything in a humorous way either, I'm typing as I think. So I'll probably spend like an hour trying to think of something to say. I used to write an online diary, but I forgot the password, so I'm making a new one. It's fun.

Today, I spent all day in my room watching YouTube and writing essays. I like videos. I like video games too. I don't like talking, I like my bed, I like my phone. Sometimes I hate leaving the house, I always hate the sun. I don't like sweating. I like buying hoodies in 3xl so they're big on me.

I feel like I'm playing a character, but I'm not. I keep reminding myself I amn't. I have to always remind myself of things. It's a struggle. I don't mean to forget, but I always do.

I like writing in a diary, I dunno when I'll write next.

★ Maybe

[kowaindar0u]

4 (sada), 9 (yuichi)

[ DEAR  DIARY          .    .    . ]

under the cut again cause lonnng

04.     entry made after experiencing a nightmare.

Dear Diary...

I can't sleep. I tried, but... a bit ago, I woke up from this dream... no, it was more like a nightmare. I was on sortie-- it was me, but it also felt like the entire rest of the honmaru was dispatched there too. Which... I guess might have been a good thing, because the enemies just kept coming, portals opening over and over again. But... one by one all my fellow touken danshi went down, until I was the last one left. I shouldn't have still been alive myself. I kept getting hit and knocked down and run through... and I was so tired... But I couldn't stop myself, I just kept fighting. Everyone lying around me... I don't think they'd broken, but instead they looked to me, and I couldn't let them see, y'know... that I thought I couldn't keep going anymore. So I just kept fighting.

I don't know how I even woke up. I think I was moving around in my sleep, maybe I hit something. I'm sore and I feel clammy.

Usually any nightmares I have are... scarier than this. Like, more big bad fears, or something catastrophic happening. This was... it was awful, but it didn't feel quite like that. It was more... subtly scary, I dunno.

I think I'm just gonna go for a walk or something and try to sleep again in a little while. Hopefully I can clear my head enough.

09.     entry made discussing their school day(s).

[dated sometime toward the middle of his first year of high school]

Hi again...

I still feel silly for even deciding to start keeping a journal. Nothing really happens to me. I go to school... I come home... I go back to school... I'm not interesting. But... I kind of want someone to talk to. I can't talk to other people on my own, and... I think everyone kind of knows that, so... I can't blame them for not trying, you know?

I can't hold it against them when... even a girl who just moved here at the beginning of the year... she seems really sweet, and I think(?) she was trying to be my friend, but... God, it's just so scary. I think she got weirded out, or... maybe I hurt her feelings (god I hope not) when I had trouble getting any words out, so she gave up.

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not that I dislike any of my classmates. (There's... even one I kind of like a lot. He's already tall, he's cute, he... well, nevermind. It doesn't matter.)

It just feels like... they're all staring at me, or laughing at me, you know? I know all the judgement I feel from them is all in my head-- I'm not important enough for them to think or talk about me that much. But it just makes trying to talk to anyone so... daunting.

So... that's why I have you. You... you're not supposed to even be capable of judging me, right? (why am I asking you?! you're a notebook!) Clearly I don't know if that even really helps. Maybe it's more the fact that I'm writing to you rather than speaking.

For my first entry I didn't write much I think 'cause I was too nervous... which I think should tell you everything you need to know right there. But today... I'm thinking a lot. So I'm gonna try and spill. Well I already spilled some, didn't I? I mean... ugh. Whatever. Continuing...

My parents said I should join a club, maybe it would help me open up more. I don't think they understand at all. I want to be part of something with other people so badly... but I... I just can't do it. So at least once a week after school I go to Meigetsu-in and just... sit by myself. Some evenings I stay late and tell my parents "we" were working on a project.

Just saying all this ... it sounds so... pathetic. I'm fifteen. I'm supposed to have friends and hang out and do things, aren't I?! Instead I just... don't! can't!

I get the feeling that I'm going to be writing similar words on these pages every time I come to write to you. I'm sorry for that, ahead of time. Like I said before... not much happens to me. But thinking like this? It happens a lot.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Why We Fight

Another one from the bowels of Reddit, mostly because it's interesting.

There's a subreddit - r/antijob - that I follow mostly to keep track of real people's experiences in the workplace other than my own. And there was a post where the question was asked, "Why do you do more than the bare minimum?" That was the title, anyway. While the question was genuine, it was also at least half a lead-in to "If you're not stealing time back from the company that abuses you for too little pay, you're doing it wrong".

Thing is ... I had an answer. And that answer is: "I do it for the patients".

Yes, I complain a lot about how much I'm being taken advantage of by my colleagues. How management is allowing and in fact encouraging me to torture myself by taking on overtime that Occupational Health has told me I should not be doing. But the thing is ... I could technically just ... not do it. I could say, "Fuck it; you're on your own". And I probably would, except for the fucking patients.

See, I type histology reports for a living. And while some of those are absolutely routine, bog-standard stuff that shouldn't be an issue ... a lot of them aren't. They don't take out your tonsils or appendix or gallbladder unless there's something wrong. They certainly don't take off your breasts or cut out your kidneys or segments of your fucking intestines unless there's something wrong. They don't stick needles in you to take pieces of your liver or your prostate or your lungs or that weird lump on your breast, or cut off bits of skin because that mole just doesn't look right ... unless there's something potentially wrong. Nine times out of ten, they're looking for cancer.

Now, I know a lot about cancer. I've worked a few oncology departments in my time. And the main thing I know is that you have to catch it early. The sooner you catch it, the sooner it can be treated, and the sooner it's treated, the better the odds that you'll get full remission. More to the point, if you delay any of that, it might spread to another part of the body and then the odds of the patient's survival just drop into the sub-basement. The first step to catching it? Getting histology results to the right people. And even though I only do the macroscopic reports and not the microscopic ones that let you know whether a thing's malignant or not, they can't authorise a report without that information on the damn form. So, in my own small way, I am helping to save lives. That is why I do what I do. That's why I couldn't really hack anything that wasn't directly medical. Arranging the diary of the head of the Royal College of General Practitioners or handling submissions to a medical journal? Eh, I could do it, but it wasn't satisfying. I want to be helping. I want my job to mean something. And mine does.

So I answered the Reddit post with that very fact. And I got, "Well, it wouldn't be your fault if things got delayed; it'd be the boss' fault for not hiring more staff". And thankfully someone else got in before me with the reply of, "Yeah, and Thess is going to feel so much better about a patient potentially dying, potentially painfully, just because it's not technically their fault, even though they could have done something? Have some fucking empathy!" From what I can tell, half the people who read that remark of mine think I'm a hero, and the other half think I'm a doormat. I dunno; maybe both, maybe neither. I just know that reports need doing ASAP because sometimes, even a few days makes a difference.

I don't think my colleagues understand that. I don't think my colleagues let themselves understand that. They just look at it as, "They dictate, I type". I never forget that the tissue those doctors were cutting up and poking at while dictating this stuff was fairly recently attached to and/or inside of a human being, and the fact that they're getting bits cut off or out means, as I said above, that there is something potentially wrong. Best case scenario? Everything's fine, and the patient gets relief from the stress of potentially being sick a little sooner. Worst case scenario? There is a problem and the report gets to the right people quicker, and the patient stands a better chance of surviving it. Either way, it's important. What we do is important.

So I guess it's not even just work ethic, although that's a good-sized part of it. Most of all, it's making a difference, in a small way that might become something huge. And that's why I work three hours of overtime when we're this swamped.

...I just hate that my empathy and general humanity is being taken advantage of by lazy bints who only see it as "it's just a job; do the bare minimum".

[abnormalityjoseph]

Corey Cunningham • General Headcanons

I LOVE THIS GUY

Oh. Corey. The guy that lives in my head rent free right now? Headcanons for him? Sure.

Totally not like I just finished the novel and was scrambling to throw this out there.

But as for my thoughts on the novel and the movie,,,I like some of the movie’s change in dialogue, but I also feel like the novel gives more..context/insight? Idk how to explain it. Hopefully there’s an extended cut of the movie that I can watch eventually.

•••••

- A very polite and well mannered guy.

-> Well, he tries to be even when the entire town hates him.

- You might have seen my previous post, but I am a FIRM BELIEVER that Corey has some fluffy hair AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

- He’s so??? Emotionally distant towards anybody. If Yk what I mean?

-> [Most definitely terrified of getting emotionally hurt again. Especially with how everyone started to alienate him post-accident.]

-> Oh but he’s really touched starved.

- He may or may not…go a tad bit overboard. With affections towards his friends or a significant other(s).

-> I just think that he may seek physical contact from trusted friends. Platonic actions that would normally be seen a romantic (like hand holding), yk?

- He either gives awkward hugs or really good ones. Never an in-between.

- Corey would be very cautious of somehow stepping on your toes/boundaries. He doesn’t make many friends or ever had a romantic relationship (or generally made many friends—?)

-> Besides, he lost any friends he made after the accident. Because no one wanted to associate with the ‘Psycho Babysitter.’

- Totally would rant about ANYTHING because he doesn’t know social cues or when to stop talking.

-> Or— well, he would rant about his interests and then apologize because he feels like he talked too much. And feel like he just scared away any friend he could’ve made because he wouldn’t shut up.

-> It’s fine though because he would listen to his friends/romantic partner rant for as long as they want to talk. He’s a good listener!

- Might be a bit of a weird one, but I think he’d enjoy Twenty One Pilots and Wilbur Soot’s music. Dunno, just him listening to La Jolla/Saline Solution or Fairy Local makes sense in my head.

-> Also think he’d listen to Ship in a Bottle by fin, but I’ll make a different post for songs. Maybe.

- As for family.. I don’t know, his family life is definitely rough and tense as is.

-Resents his mother for being so overbearing (if that’s the right word for it), but can’t seem to fully hate her because she’s his family.

- He sometimes wonders about his dad, Wally, and if his life would’ve been better with him in the picture.

- He also doesn’t know how to feel about Ronald, his step-dad. He wasn’t really involved in his upbringing, but he’s nicer and way less of an overbearing parent in his life. Yet he still doesn’t do much to stop Joan.

- He doesn’t have social media. That’s probably a given but still.

- I feel like he wouldn’t vent to a friend by text, since Joan can snoop through his phone. He’d rather talk about his problems face to face, so the person can also share their problems as well.

- You know, he saw a psychiatrist for a bit before stopping? I’m assuming that’s the time just after the accident. It’s not a headcanon but it’s just something I noticed while I was reading the novel. It’s on, I think, page 207 on the digital version?

-> “…Mostly he just stayed at home. He had weekly trips to a psychiatrist for a while, but that was it. And this went on for months…”

- Corey may be able to tolerate terrible/mean customers, and the scrutiny or insults that any passerby could give him, but it’ll boil over eventually.

- He used to keep a diary/journal. But Joan (his mom) kept snooping and would find it. Now he can’t keep one in the house.

-> Well— maybe he hides it outside or the house. Maybe nearby the the place he works at.

- I think he doodles. Just on the corners of his notebooks. It’s kinda bad but hey, he never said he was a good artist.

- Post-Accident Corey can’t find that much enjoyment in Horror movies, especially The Thing, after well..you know.

-> Post-Michael Corey can though. He loves horror movies, and doesn’t feel that uncomfortable watching The Thing anymore. Just..fascinated. Over the concept of the creature, I mean. Shapeshifting alien…maybe a slasher movie would be more preferred for him still.

•••••

I… will write more stuff about a romantic relationship with Corey in a different post. And I’ll try to write more about post Michael Corey.