#i feel . neglected. a little. i wont lie

[darlinqs]

so i

[yanderehsr]

hellooo, may i request platonic yandere blade, dan heng and jing yuan with a teen!reader who is very shy? basically, they had some sort of neglectful parents, and isolated lifestyle too, which makes them nervous around people and not develop social skills, which also makes them be naive and manipulated easily, and they also have a fear of being trapped/locked up

Hope this lives up to your expactations🙂

Trigger Warning: Yandere, Obsessive behaviour, Possessive behaviour, Kidnapping. Murder

Blade: He sees you for the first time when you are trying to dodge a large crowd of people. He doesn't know why he did it but he grabbed your arm and pulled you out, you pulled your arm from him, thanked him and then you ran away.

He felt like he wanted to know more, Blade rarely finds things interesting but you are different. He stalks you, he needs to find his answers, and he finally sees why you are so shy, neglected by your parent, yet you are forced to stay in your room never to leave.

It will take some months before Blade decides to take you with him, life with him would surely be much better than with your parents, it is not something romantic, you just seem to heal him, make him feel happy. The next time you see your parents, they are dead, and there stands Blade, ready to take you to your new home.

"Are you ready to go to your new home, whether you are ready or not you're still comming with me"

Dan Heng: He sees you like a little sister, someone he must protect. He met you at one of the planets he needed to save, he saw how sad you looked, how you tried to avoid anyone that came too close, he wants to know why you're like this.

Dan Heng introduces himself to you, trying to get you to open up. You don't know why you trust him, maybe he just looked safe. He manipulates the hell out of you when he realises how naive you are, getting you to tell him your deepest secrets.

He knows how neglectful your parents are, he hates them so, so much. You are his little sister, of course he will save you from your parents, he tricks you onto the astral express. When you notice the train leaving you start to panic, he reasures you that this is no kidnapping, it is just an adventure, you will return, and as always you belive him.

"What do you mean kidnapping, nonsense. I just want to spend a bit of time with my dear sister"

Jing Yuan: He tries so hard to make you happier. He first met you when he was speaking with your parents about business, and all you did during the talk was look down on the floor, avoiding eye contact and jumped when someone accidentaly touched you

He realises quickly that your parents aren't exactly the best ones, wouldn't it be better if you were his child instead, you could even be a friend to Yanqing. Whatever business your parents were discussing, he accepted them just so that he could meet you again.

Jing Yuan, keeps feeding you lie after lie about your parents, making you hate them, all just to get you to want him as your parent. He gives you the idea about it, that he always wanted a child like you. You wont notice you walked into your own cage before it's too late.

"I will give you happiness, all you need to do is to never leave"

Ok, I hope it was satisfying😊

[neallo]

hi morgan beloved have you considered. lacy by olivia rodrigo as a meronia song. *slides it across the table*…. but like specifically mello’s pov. have we considered it. “skin like puff pastry” and “eyes white as daisies”…. “its like youre out to get me, you poison every little thing that i do”…. “lacy oh lacy i just loathe you lately”…. “and i despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you”….. i listen to it and think of mello’s gay ass all the time i wont lie - paris thesimstwo (beyond the grave version)

PARIS MY BELOVED !!! <3 <3 i've missed you so T__T

omfg okay,,, listen,,, this did not even occur to me (i've had all american bitch on repeat hgssdjfsdhf been neglecting the rest of GUTS u_u) but i am eyes wide OPEN NOW. SHRIEK!! i don't even know if i have anything to add other than you are,,, SOOOO fucking right,,,

i feel Very strongly that if mello actually had the capability to like. look his giant horrific crush in the eyes when they were younger it would be, like. a Struggle. to cope w/ that,,, his inferiority complex + guilt/shame over being kinda shitty to near for a hot fucken minute + the continuing rivalry (and his tendency to grossly misinterpret everything near does) = owchey

ALSO. ALSOOOO:

"Yeah, I despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you."

^ insanely holdyouhostage-core tbh

[andywinter16]

Touch starved glaives with S/O HC part 2

Ohoho! Hold tight, needy boy is here! First of all he's not shy to communicate with you that he needs your touch ( Thank a god, seriously). If you thought Nyx was touchy, Pelna is literally another level. Man will find you whenewer you are and embrace you in hug. Obviously you will have to stop whatever you do, be it training, cooking, shopping, etc. Has his hands on you all the time. (It can be little bit annoying, yet he's so sweet about it you wouldn't mind )Pouts and whines for your attention! (Squisch his face and kiss that lovable dork) if you neglect him, prepare for his secret weapon: PUPPY EYES! No one is immune! (I mean IT! NO ONE)

Tangle your hands in his pretty hair, massage his scalp. Eskimo kisses, nose kisses in general are his favourite. (DO IT! for his pretty smile and laugh) Nuzzle into his stumble, your personal scratcher. Whisper sweet things to his ear (what good job he does, what a strong handsome Galadhian man he is) *happy content Pelna noises* (loves being for once appreciated!) Nibble on his earlobe, those breathy sighs wont dissapoint you. 😉 Pelna cracks joke or two to make you laugh. (with him you will laugh all the time) If you lie in bed, you would end up tangled like a pretzel of bodies. Rub your feet together. (His feet gets cold easily) Usually lies his head on your chest, listens to your heartbeat and breathing (it calms him down, you're after all his HEART And HOME)

*crack knuckles* Our witty vice captain with killing checkbones is here. Luche knows he's touch starved, is very well aware that you can help. Will literally do the fucking opposite. (For such inteligent man, he can be dummy *affectionate*) Luche did his research on what can help him. (Reason is simple- he didnt want to bother you. It's not your job to take care of him, you had other much important things than him to worry about. LAZARUS RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!) Hot shower is his go to, spends awful lot of time under it.

You need a rock solid plan to get his ass under your care. (Add another plan and plan on top the plan) Rope everyone into it, call all hands on deck! (Because Luche's evasive clever bastard) If the plan doesn't work, just kidnap him  Please, tell him how you feel in private. Ask him If he detest your touch that much. OH THE  FUCKING CHANGE! (Luche´s collected demeanor cracks instantly, you got him!) Put your foreheads together and hold his gaze. Caress firmly that sharp jawline. Assure him you´re there for him, that he does ENOUGH for Kingsglaive, for his home and friends.( His gaze will soften, you can see  tears in the sky blue eyes) Embrace him, let his head drop on your shoulder. Run your hands through that neatly kept hair ( SO FUCKING SOFT) let him be vulnerable in your presence. Wraps his strong arms around you, holds you so close to inhale your scent. (gave those arms some attention Luche´s proud of them, will flex them under your fingers) On that note massage his back with shoulders (man has whole Kingsglaive on them) Wanna see Luche lose his tight up appearance? Bite delicately his lower lip and suck hickeys on his neck. 

[bluest-planet]

Tigre

Theres a tiger cub on the ground crawling and crying

Immediately i pick her up in my own big paws, careful not to hurt her with my overgrown claws

Shes so skinny, so pale, sleepless and tiny. Why would someone leave you put here, in the cold?

I'm scared she wont make it, that the little tigress is too far gone. Its really cruel, everyone else sees a beast, a monster. People see stripes, orange, and all that signals is danger.

But that's mean. Its really fucking mean. She just wants to live, and you're all put here, starving her of everything just because of what she might be.

I don't care if she bites, if she claws, if she screams. Maybe its a little annoying at first, a little frustrating, but only because I know that if anyone else were to walk near, they'd put her to death for good. Just for daring to be a nuisance.

People have no compassion for useless, annoying things. At least, most people cant appreciate anything pass its usefulness because of this god awful rat race.

On one hand, i get why. I technically shouldn't blame them.

But i still dont forgive them, i dont care anymore. You're all too blinded by survival to care about anything inconvenient, but whats the point in surviving in the face of such indifference?

Its mean. Its horrific, what neglect and apathy can do. Far more dangerous than any fangs or claws.

So its just me and the cub, sitting isolated in a single room- no, a cage with vitriolic steel bars. They burn me like they do fairies. All brand new stripes.

Pacing makes the mind feel as if it is being productive, but all I'm doing is a futile task. I'm just slowing down the atrophie.

So i give up, not on the cub, but myself. Im tired of the visitors, of the constant having to get up and pace 'one more time' just to feel real. Eventually, you'll die from blood loss if you never let the wound heal. Never eat. Never sleep. Never rest. You can't regain the energy needed.

The bars melt away into a steel door; some privacy, for once. but i can still see light flickering under the crack. Its a light ive admired before. Laying my ear against the door just to hear the others living just behind it so i can soothe myself to finally sleep.

A few visitors know that story, only before the door was a warm oak not a cold steel.

My stomach is growling, exactly like the cubs. Shes gone quiet, in my way to big, blood covered claws. Im sorry. I'm sorry i couldn't keep you warm, and that no one even noticed your tiny thin body's disappearence, they accepted a changeling without a second glance to see if what they had was the real one.

The only one who noticed was your own changeling; me. Only, neither of us got the life we expected getting swapped.

Id say i love you, even if it was a lie, just to comfort you but it wouldn't mean anything coming from our own mouth. Just another truth of neglect.

Sometimes it feels like im headless. Maybe then it would be better, so i could slip out of the iron collar around my neck. But thats a just a daydream to savour, its umami.

Its tough to be a tiger.

[insanebirddog]

I hate when people are like "others say they depressed as kids but when i was a kid all i cared about was legos"

This isnt directed at anybody, but i am so gen SICK of hearing this bullshit, so heres a rant on what i think. Small little warning it IS cringe.

ALSO TW There is small mentions of things like abuse, neglect, and child harm. If these may be triggering dont read this.

Cool dude, cool. I remember crying on the playground on multiple occasions bc it i was coming to the realization that no one, not even my family actually cared about me. I was thinkin about how i was completely alone, and how i was basically an observer. I came to terms with my 'quiet dude in the corner no one talks to and forgets is there' role in like 2nd or 3rd grade, and i cried in the car because even then i knew everyone i cared about was gonna leave me but yeah bro, rock on, i love legos.

I mean, its almost like kids can have bad lifes? OMG! CHILDREN HAVE PROBLEMS?! type shit annoys me. Just because someone is young, think any age of minor doesnt mean that they dont have something going on in life and it certainly doesn't mean you should belittle literal CHILDREN for being self aware about how bad their situation is. Thats how you get kids like me, i have such little confidence i cant tell you a SINGLE thing without being like 'but dont quote me haha!' like, i could just point at a cat and be absolutely sure it IS a cat and tell you 'oh hey thats a cat, but dont quote me bc idk' instead of being a dick to children who tell you somethings wrong you should idk, use your fucking ears and listen to em? Like, thats what you have ears for right? I could outright tell people that i was neglected as a kid and they'll be like 'your still just a kid, you dont know what neglect is' like yeah yeah cool, wasnt starved, didnt get medically neglected, totally got all the emotional support i needed and wasnt just ignored or literally beaten for having any type of emotion sure. Ppl act like they know EVERYTHING, invalidate you, mock ya, belittle you and then when you tell them the details they go all "sorry i didnt know" yeah, you didnt. So why were you such a fuckin dick abt it? Why did you all high and mighty go "I KNOW BETTER THEN U!" if you knew nothing?

Like, the fuckin legos statement. Does no one realise people can have VERY different childhoods? and that truama actually EFFECTS PEOPLE? like holy shit! that traumatized boy acts traumatized! why would he do that? its not like IM traumatized so why would he act that way?! like im very happy that you werent treated like garbage as a kid, atleast some parents still treat their kids with respect and not everyone in the world suffered like i did but jesus fucking holy hell get your shit together, you dont have to be a dickface just bc youre not traumatized.

SAME FUCKING THING WITH PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY DONT BELIEVE IN MENTAL HEALTH. Like we have FUCKING EMOTIONS. How do you not believe in LITERAL EMOTIONS??? like you even see it in animals, you beat an animal enough for doing something they wont do it anymore bc you traumatized the fuckin animal, you see literal evidence of it everywhere. People show signs of being traumatized and then these fuckwads r all "UR BEING DRAMAITC!!!!!1!1!11!1!!!1!!!11" and then they'll go and mention how their parents slapped them once and they werent traumatized, like sorry that happened to you dude, but that is not at all anything like being beaten everytime you cry. They make huge problems out to be the tiniest of bumps in the road like they turn a moutain into a pebble all bc "they were being dramatic-" ever heard of people not lying? like, theres people out in the world that dont lie about or exaggerate their trauma, i literally in my 17 yrs of life not met a single person who does that. I bet those people exist, and i feel bad that thats the only way they feel they'll be taken seriously or the only way anyone would care. We focus a LOT on those type of people, and i get why but that doesnt mean EVERYONE who talks abt being truamatized is exactly the same.

Theres a large list of types of people i dont like, and these are just two of them. But, i dont want to keep writing abt this bc as i mentioned before i literally have zero confidence in myself and will stop while im still comfty enough to post this.

Also, can someone help me understand tags m lost [new to tumblr dweebis]

[7eto]

im so chatty today its like i finish my finals and a weight is off my shoulders i can be happy again

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[sidespart]

For the fic title thing: Make Up Your Mind/Catch Me I’m Falling

Make Up Your Mind (this seriously got away from me and became basically a whole string of conscious fic whoops)

Logince, Bakery/coffeeshop AU Mutual Pining/ Not-Actually-Unrequited love, + loceit friendship

So Janus owns a Bakery (struggling to think of a snake/lie based bread pun for the name but ehh). He is the head only baker and sends most of his time in the basement kitchen blasting the phantom of the opera soundtrack and kneading dough. 

Logan is his childhood friend. Janus hired him as cashier after Logan dropped out of collage but then he never left and is now basically manager/ accountant/ hbic of this whole operation.

So one night as Janus is leaving he’s casually like: ‘oh by the way, a couple are coming by tomorrow for a wedding cake consultation’

And Logan blocks the door and is like: ‘Janus. We don’t do wedding cakes. We don’t even do cake. You only make weird artisanal bread. it took me 6 months and 8 powerpoint presentations to convince you to sell banana loaf’

Jan, his eye enormous: ‘but Logan, you should have heard this guy on the phone. They only want to use LGBTQ businesses for their wedding, they want to support the community that’s supported them for so long. He spoke so passionately and eloquently about why it just had to be us I couldn't say no’

Logan, his eyes not enormous: did you tell this man we make wedding cakes just to make the phone conversation end?

Janus: I was going to miss the murder, she wrote marathon, Logan 

So Jan manages to escape, and Logan rolls his eyes but like. This is nowhere near the worst ‘cleaning up after Janus lied to get out of a situation and made everything more complicated for no goddamm reason’ incident that he has had to deal with during the course of their friendship so, whatever: he can tell the couple there was a miscommunication when they show up in the morning. 

Next day, the guys arrive. Virgil, who barley introduces himself and then stays hunched in his hoodie not speaking for the whole meeting, and Roman. 

Roman does not have a problem speaking. Roman has lots of ideas.

Roman has a binder. 

Somehow in the course of this conversation Logan goes from ‘we don’t make wedding cakes’ to ‘I’LL SHOW YOU, WE’LL MAKE THE BEST GODDAMM WEDDING CAKE THIS TOWN HAS EVER SEEN’

Maybe it was the passion of Romans argument. Maybe it was the slightly disdainful look on his face when he looked round the shop. Maybe it was the ridiculous amount of money he was prepared to pay (see: Janus insists on only making specific, weird bread as to why the shop’s always on the brink of collapse). Maybe it was the power of the binder (Logan is like 80% sure Roman hit him with the binder at one point). Maybe its just Logan hasn't had a full blown passionate argument like that since high school debate club and the rush of adrenaline made him dumb.

Whatever the reason - they’re now fully committed to making this 6 tier, purple and blue, Disney inspired, multiflavoured wedding cake

(Janus, who skipped out on the meeting because he is Like That: But Logan....we don’t make wedding cakes...this was really irresponsible of you...

 Logan: I know where you sleep. I could kill you at any time) 

Which would be doable (the weddings a while off, and Logan is ready to RESEARCH) except Roman keeps. Coming. Back. 

With new ideas. And tweaks. And suggestions. All of them seemingly designed to make the cake less structurally sound. 

Basically every time he comes in they end up having a blazing row, first about Romans inability to make up his mind about the cake and then about...literally everything. One time they spent 25 minuets arguing about whether or not Shakespeare wrote all of his plays, which somehow turns into ‘who was the best host of blues clues?’ which then turned  into ‘how would nationalised healthcare best be implemented?’ (the loudest arguments were during the blues clues section).Logan had even fewer customers then normal that day.

(Logan: I hate that guy so much! He shows up at 2pm every day and now my blood pressure has started going up at 1.55pm in anticipation of the fight! He’s causing me actual medical distress because he’s so stupid!

Janus:...you’ve memorised some guys schedule and your heart starts racing whenever you see him?

Logan: yes! because he is my enemy!

Janus:...

Janus: mmKay.)

ANYway, one day Roman turns up and is like: Can’t fight today. Need caffeine. Must Study. and sequesters himself on one of their two rinky dink tables and starts pulling enormous textbooks out of his bag. Turns out Roman is in law school, he’s back home for the whole summer to help with wedding prep and has been neglecting his summer reading. He wants to be an environmental lawyer and, ideally, singly handily prosecute every oil company and give a speech at the UN whilst wearing an immaculately fitted Italian suit. 

Logan has a panicked moment of OH NO HE’S SMART (he doesn't need an oh no he’s hot moment because Roman’s been hot the whole time). Very carefully he does not think about how upset hearing Roman mention the wedding again made him feel, and then shares a bit about his own anxiety during college which led to him dropping out.

Roman says degree or no degree its obvious Logan is one of the smartest, most capable people Romans ever met.

Cue: blushing, stammering, Logan standing up to quickly and knocking half a pot of coffee over etc etc all that good fluff. 

And after that their conversations are less confrontational (although they still debate like. everything.) and more friendly.

They have one (1) more conversation about the wedding wherein Roman apologises for being so stressed and snappy over all the preparation stuff but he just wants everything to be perfect for Virgil. (Logan, awkwardly: you must love him a lot. Roman, himbo-ly: Yeah!) aaand then Logan changes the subject to the best rhyming structure because Romans big sappy grin is making his heart do awful twisty things-

And eventually, Roman asks Logan to go out with him outside the bakery.

Logan: hahaha this is friendship, we are great friends, we are going out as friends. I am not going on a date with a man with a fiancé because that would be the actions of a crazy person.

 So they go on their date. It’s amazing. Roman leans in for a kiss at the end and Logan is delighted!

And then devastated.

He pushes Roman away, yells some creative insult (malodorous centurion?) and flees. Spends the next week basically hiding in the kitchen area, refusing to see any customers and working on the wedding cake.

(which is looking perfect by the way)

So after a week of Logan moping round the kitchen Janus finally blocks the door to stop him leaving and demand he tells him what the hell is wrong. And after a few minuets of filibustering Logan ends up telling him everything.

“In any case, the very fact that he is the kind of man who would cheat on his fiancé means he’s not the kind of man I thought he was. Therefore any alleged feelings I may have developed towards him would now be null and void” says Logan, looking like the worlds sadist accountant

Janus: So...wait. You’re saying wedding cake guy and hot lawyer guy are the same person?

(Logan: you need to come out of the basement more often Janus: YOU need to tell me what’s going on in your life more often. (they have had this conversation many times in the past))

So Janus sincerely tells Logan he’s sorry...and that he’s even more sorry that he needs him to help him deliver the cake to the venue tomorrow.

(this thing is way to big for one person to carry and there’s no way Jan would trust any of their occasional teenage cover staff to do this and ‘we’ll go round the back and you wont have to see anyone anyway comon Lo’ you basically built this monstrosity you should see it home)

So, reluctantly, Logan goes. And they go round the back as promised, and get this enormous cake settled, and then get told to wait there one sec cus one of the grooms is going to come sign for it and before Logan can throw himself out of the widow (get OFF me Janus we’re on the ground floor it’s FINE)  from behind them they hear squeeing.

There’s a curly haired dude in a pastel blue linen suit who Logan has never seen before in his life looking at the cake and cooing over ‘all the little details! its perfect! oh Virgil is going to love this! You know he was so embarrassed about asking for a Disney themed cake he had to ask Roman to go with him to -”

“Who ARE you?”

The man blinked at Logan, who realised dimly that he still had one foot up on the windowsill and slowly returned it to the floor. 

“I’m Patton” said Patton.

“And I’m Janus” said Janus, removing his arms from where they’d still been clamped around Logan’s waist and stepping smoothly towards Patton, clipboard held aloft “A pleasure to meet you, if you could just sign here...”

“BUT-” Patton paused, hand still raised to accept the clipboard, and looked over again at Logan who found himself mumbling:  “but - but the groom is supposed to sign for it?”

And Patton just smiled at him looking a bit bemused and goes ‘I am the groom? And who are you kiddo?”

Logan says he’s Logan. Patton suddenly looks a whole lot less friendly. 

“Oh.” says Patton. “You.”

And since Logan’s mind is currently refusing to take in the information in front of him Janus is the one who ends up stepping in between them and going “so just for 100% transparency - you are Patton. 

“yes?”

“and today you are marrying the love of your life: Virgil?”

“Yes!”

“And are either of you, at any point today, also planning on marrying one Roman Sanders, caffeine addict and terrible communicator?”

And Paton burst out laughing and says “ROMAN? Virgil’s big brother Roman? He’s my best man but I don’t think we’re planning to take it any further...”. And because Patton is apparently much quicker on the emotional uptake than Logan he gives him a vey soft, if slightly exasperated, look and says:

“Roman - who again, is my future brother-in-law- is helping set up in the main hall.”

And Logan likes to think he said thank you before he took off fucking RUNNING through the building but he can’t be sure.

So he gets to the hall, where a load of people are setting out chairs, putting up flowers etc,  and skids to a stop at one end of the aisle. Shouts: “ROMAN.” (Roman and Virgil, who were standing at the other end arguing over a flower arrangements, both look up) “YOU’RE NOT MARRYING YOUR BROTHER.”

“um.” Says Roman “No?”

Explanations are given. Virgil, who is a lot more talkative now that he’s not on 7th wedding appointment of the day burn out, is ready to physically fight Logan for breaking his brothers heart. And then once he understands the full story is ready to kill both of them for being such dumbasses.

Roman: But I s2g I told the guy on the phone that it was the groom and best man coming??? Logan: Yeah he might have lied and said you were a couple for a joke, or he may have just straight up not listened to you. Either way, he is just Like That.

Logan: WHY DID YOU NEVER MENTION VIRGIL WAS YOUR BORTHER?? Roman: I WAS TRYING TO GET TO KNOW YOU AND ALSO SEDUCE YOU WHY WOULD I WASTE TIME TALKING ABOUT MY LITTLE BROTHER??? Virgil: Yeah...he does like talking about himself, sorry he’s just  Like That.

Anyway it all ends fluffily, Patton and Virgil get married. Roman cries. Logan and Jan hang around for the wedding. Roman and Logan hold hands throughout the speeches and dance during the reception. Roman has to go back to law school soon but they agree to call each other every day at 2pm to catch up and argue. 

Janus gets off with the moustachioed DJ. 

And Roman and Logan get another chance at their first kiss.

[newdougsblog]

The Tragic Hero Full of Fear

Hello everyone! Before I get into this, I’d like to thank @jasontoddiefor​ for both the name and being the main enabler of this fun piece of writing. I also want to thank all my wonderful friends over on Discord for letting me bounce ideas off of them and helping me. You are all amazing!!

Ok, so let’s get into it!

The first six Star Wars movies (the Original and Prequel trilogies) are commonly referred to as “the Tragedy of Darth Vader.”  But what makes these movies a tragedy? How is Anakin Skywalker himself, the main character of said tragedy, a tragic hero? In this meta/essay, I will discuss how Anakin himself is definitionally a tragic hero and outline his story as it relates to the structure of a classic Greek tragedy.  

This essay will focus solely on Anakin’s character as he is canonically portrayed.

The Hero

Let’s go through the main traits of a tragic hero (as per early literature) and discuss them in the context of Anakin Skywalker.

Possesses immense courage and strength and is usually favored by the gods

Anakin’s courage is evident throughout his entire life, such as when he participates in the pod race in TPM or on the front lines during the Clone Wars. 

While we cannot definitively ascribe Anakin’s abilities to any deity, we can associate them with the Force. The Force is able to somewhat influence the happenings of the universe in certain ways and takes the place of any sort of deity.

Whether Anakin is the “Chosen One” or not, his connection to the Force is stronger than that of any other Force-sensitive being, so he is consequently closer to it than most, if not all, other Force-sensitive beings. 

Extreme loyalty to family and country 

Anakin is consistent in his demonstrations of loyalty to those he has strong feelings for (whether those feelings be romantic or platonic).

His devotion to Padmé surpasses his loyalty to the Jedi, and he is always willing to go to great lengths to ensure their safety and well-being.

Anakin also exhibits a strong sense of devotion to his mother, Shmi. His devotion to her, and by extension her wellbeing, surpasses his duties as Jedi. 

In ROTS, Anakin says, “I will not betray the Republic… my loyalties lie with the Chancellor and with the Senate… and with you” (you, in this case, referring to Padmé). In this quotation, Anakin’s loyalties are made quite clear. At this point, he is not faithful to the Jedi, but to his government, its leaders, and, of course, his wife.

Representative of society’s current values

During the Clone Wars, Anakin is known by the moniker, “the Hero with No Fear,” and is one of the Republic’s “poster boys.” He is charismatic, kind, seemingly fearless (obviously) and a strong fighter, thus representing the values that were important to the Republic at the time. The last characteristic is especially important because of the assurance it instills in times of war. As a representation of the Republic, Anakin’s prowess on the battlefield creates hope for its citizens that victory is possible. 

Anakin also empathizes with the opinion that the seemingly outdated Jedi Code holds them back. In the Citadel Arc, Tarkin remarks that “the Jedi Code prevents [the Jedi] from going far enough to achieve victory.” Anakin actually agrees with this statement, replying that “[he’s] also found that [the Jedi] sometimes fall short of victory because of [their] methods” (Season 3, Episode 19). He shows a sense of allegiance not to the ancient ways of the Jedi, but to the newer, more modern ideals regarding military action. 

Anakin claims to have brought “peace, justice, freedom, and security” to his “new Empire.” While the Empire's interpretations of the aforementioned values are skewed, Anakin continues to represent them as Darth Vader. 

Anakin’s statement to Obi-Wan also mirrors Palpatine’s declaration to the Senate: “In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire, for a safe and secure society which I assure you will last for ten thousand years.” The people applaud this statement, demonstrating a general sense of exhaustion in regards to the war and a yearning for what this new Empire is promising them.

Lead astray/challenged by strong feelings

Though there are many, many examples of Anakin’s emotions getting the better of him, we’re simply going to list two:

Anakin’s fury and anguish after the death of his mom leads to his slaughter of the Tuskens

Anakin’s overwhelming fear of losing Padmé is ultimately what leads to his Fall.

Every tragic hero possesses what is called a hamartia, or a fatal flaw. This trait largely contributes to the hero’s catastrophic downfall. Anakin’s hamartia is his need for control, which partially manifests through his fear of loss. 

Let’s explore this idea in more detail. 

Though Anakin grows up as a slave, the movies neglect to explicitly cover the trauma left from his time in slavery. However, it is worth noting that slaves did not have the ability to make many choices for themselves; they didn’t even own their bodies. After being freed, Anakin is whisked away to become a Jedi. He does not possess much control over his life as Jedi, for he is simply told what path he is going to take. While Anakin does make this decision on his own, becoming a Jedi is a disciplined and somewhat-strict way of life and not one that allows for an abundance of reckless autonomy as he is wont to engage in. 

(Side note: I’m not here to argue about Qui-Gon’s decision-making abilities, nor do I wish to engage in discourse regarding the Jedi’s way of life. I am simply presenting and objectively stating these facts in relation to Anakin because they are pertinent to my point.) 

During AOTC, Anakin is unable to save his mother from death. As Shmi dies in his arms, Anakin is absolutely helpless. The situation is completely out of his control, and he is forced to contend with the reality that despite all of his power, he cannot control everything that happens. 

He also feels that he has a larger potential for power and is being held back by Obi-Wan: “although I'm a Padawan learner, in some ways... a lot of ways... I'm ahead of him. I'm ready for the trials. I know I am! He knows it too. He believes I'm too unpredictable… I know I started my training late... but he won't let me move on.” Anakin believes Obi-Wan, his teacher and mentor, is holding him back. He expresses a self-held conviction of his status and skills and does not trust the word of his superior. 

In ROTS, Anakin starts dreaming of Padmé’s death. Considering what occurred the last time he dreamt of a loved one’s demise, Anakin is justifiably (or at least justifiably from his point of view) worried. He consequently wants to stop these dreams from coming true in any way possible. His fear of death, especially that of his loved ones, represents his need for control over everything, even things that are uncontrollable. This overwhelming desire leads to Anakin’s drastic actions.

As Darth Vader, he no longer possesses such fears, for everyone that he loved is either dead or has betrayed him. He is the epitome of order and control, eliminating any who disturb this perceived equilibrium. 

However, this changes because of one person: Luke Skywalker. 

Luke reintroduces something that was (arguably) long-absent in Vader’s life, which is interpersonal attachment. Vader yearns for his son to join him by his side. When Luke refuses, Vader continues to attempt to seek him out. In ROTJ, Vader is forced to choose between the Emperor, a man he has long trusted and followed, and Luke, the son he never knew he had. Out of a desire to protect and keep what little family he has left (and likely a sense of “I couldn’t save Padmé but at least I can save her legacy by keeping her child(ren) alive and safe”), Vader defeats the Emperor and saves his son. Though his actions are definitionally heroic, Anakin never truly overcomes his hamartia. 

The Structure of a Tragedy

Classic Greek tragedies follow a specific story structure, which, according to the German playwright Gustav Freytag, is as follows:

We’re going to focus on the three aspects that best represent Anakin’s story as a tragedy: The peripeteia, the anagnorisis, and the catastrophe/denouement. These occur during and/or after the climax. 

The peripeteia is the climax/the turning point in the plot. Said change usually involves the protagonist's good luck and prosperity taking a turn for the worse. 

Within the tragedy we are discussing, the peripeteia occurs when Anakin chooses Sidious over Mace Windu and solidifies his allegiance to the Dark side, becoming the very thing he swore to destroy. It is at this point that things really start to go downhill. He kills children, chokes his wife, fights his best friend, gets his remaining limbs cut off, etc. 

The anagnorisis is the point in the tragedy when the protagonist recognizes their error, seeing the true nature of that which they were previously ignorant of, usually regarding their circumstances or a specific relationship (such as Oedipus’ realization that his wife was actually his mother). In most tragedies, the anagnorisis is in close proximity to the peripeteia. In Anakin’s story, the anagnorisis occurs during ROTJ. After being wounded in his fight against Luke, Vader watches as his son is brutally electrocuted by Sidious. It is at this moment that Darth Vader realizes that Luke was right—there is good in him, and he still has the chance to redeem himself. 

The catastrophe/denouement (since this is a tragedy, we’re going to go with “catastrophe”) is the end of the tragedy. Events and conflicts are resolved and brought to a close, and a new sort of “normality” is established. The catastrophe often provides a sense of catharsis (release of tension) for the viewer. The protagonist is worse off than they were at the beginning of the tragedy. 

The catastrophe within “The Tragedy of Darth Vader” transpires soon after the anagnorisis at the end of ROTJ. Though the realization of his capacity for good is the anagnorisis, the follow-through (via his actions), as well as what consequently occurs, is the catastrophe. As previously discussed, Vader saves Luke by killing the Emperor but does so at the cost of his own life. This serves as the resolution of the tragedy, for the hero’s fate has been confirmed—Darth Vader fulfills his destined role as the Chosen One and, in doing so, brings about his own redemption and dies as Anakin Skywalker.

In conclusion, the categorization of Star Wars as a tragedy is a choice that heavily influences Anakin, the protagonist and hero, of the story. He is without a doubt a tragic hero whose fatal flaw leads to his downfall. In accordance with Aristotle’s theory of tragedy, Anakin’s tragedy is constructed not by personal agency, but by the narrative itself.

Works Cited

“Darth Vader.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 15 Mar. 2021, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darth_Vader.

“Dramatic Structure.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 20 Feb. 2021, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dramatic_structure.

“Hero.” Encyclopaedia Britannica, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc., 19 Oct. 2016, www.britannica.com/art/hero-literary-and-cultural-figure.

Lucas, George, director. Star Wars: Episode III— Revenge of the Sith. Lucasfilm Ltd., 2005.

Lucas, George, director. Star Wars: Episode II— Attack of the Clones. Lucasfilm Ltd. , 2002.

Michnovetz, Matt. “Star Wars: The Clone Wars, ‘Counterattack.’” Season 3, episode 19, 4 Mar. 2011.

“Sophocles: the Purest Artist.” Encyclopædia Britannica, Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc., www.britannica.com/art/tragedy-literature/Sophocles-the-purest-artist.

“Theory of Tragedy.” Encyclopædia Britannica, Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc., www.britannica.com/art/tragedy-literature/Theory-of-tragedy.

“Tragic Hero.” Dictionary.com, Dictionary.com, www.dictionary.com/browse/tragic-hero. 

[ephemeralgalaxies]

Loki Ep4 Spoilers below (once more bc I just can't help myself, can I?)

It's been a while since I've had a character as interesting as Mobius to analyze and I have no chill. Spoilers start below:

Also some spoilers for WandaVision but it's been months so hopefully y'all have seen it

TL;DR Mobius really trying to connect back with Loki in order to try and bring the TVA down (and also bc "oops, Loki was right, guess I gotta own up to that bitterness") and it works but it hurts so much. Also see: I can't stop watching this scene over and over trying to understand Mobius' subtle actions bc his reaction here is so different than in all other scenes where he's usually calm or trying to delve deep into Loki's mind for information. Now he's just desperate.

Ok so I know I made a post talking about Mobius' jealousy in that interrogation scene but I also want to touch on when he comes back again after seeing the footage from C-20's interrogation scene bc man is so desperate here and I'm crying

(I'm sorry, I can't get gifs to work for me today so we just using images. But I got these from this post)

Mobius was so hurt last time we saw him, Loki being thrown back into the time cell with Lady Sif, hitting our dear agent with "out of all the liars in this place... you are the biggest... for the [lies] you tell yourself." Mobius has been pushing down all these doubts, hiding all his questions and curiosities of the TVA for a while. He's teased Ravonna, but could never really get anywhere. Then after speaking with Loki about Sylvie, about "you're all variants", Hunter B-15's suspicions, the oddness of C-20's "death" (M:"she was just fine before." R:"well, then she suddenly wasn't fine."). Mobius is finally allowing himself to realize things, to question truly what is going on. (R: "Is that what you wanted to hear?" M: "Yeah, if that's the truth." R: "You've been around Lokis too long.")

In this scene, when he comes back to the time cell for Loki, he's frustrated, he's angry, he's desperate. Everything is a lie. He can't pretend anymore. Loki has bonded with Sylvie (actually caring for another human being without the trauma of Thor: The Dark World and Thor: Ragnarok) ((I'm begging you, pls let him see a variant of Thor in this series and get to bond again, I miss them)). C-20 is likely pruned and gone forever with no answers. B-15 is getting anxious and unfocused. Ravonna is snapping at him and manipulating him with those long speeches (please, Mobius has heard enough from Loki's videos to know when he's being manipulated by fake sentimental words). He's tired, no longer patient enough for all the little quips-- he just need answers. For once in his "life" at the TVA, he just wants the truth. Something to safely hold to.

He's just put Loki through this timeloop of Lady Sif, of someone from home someone that could've been close to him under different circumstances, someone his brother cared about, kicking him/slapping him/ berating him with "you deserve to be alone, and you always will be." Loki's whole "Sacred Timeline Life" marks him to "always be alone", to finally get close to people before being torn away (whether in his own volition or by someone/something else). But with Loki caring for Sylvie, maybe even loving her, this changes everything for this Loki. He could finally care enough to save someone, to go out of his way in order to help others at his own cost. And Mobius knows this.

He asks again, desperate, pleading, hoping. Loki has to believe in himself, has to love himself enough to think to believe that he deserves a family, love, security from his greatest fear. He has to have changed because if not, then he'll either get pruned or wind up just like Mobius. Either way, gone from existence-- life erased, precious memories of "what if", "what once was", obliterated. He has to believe, or it'll happen again and again and again. To everyone, to the whole universe, unless something someone could do the impossible and shatter all reality.

With Wanda (specifically in WandaVision, final episode end credits), with her searching for her children and Vision, attempting the impossible and blending her realities in order to give them life because she needs them, she loves them. (M: "If you really care about [Sylvie]..."). This threat to the Sacred Timeline, pushing closer and closer to the MCU Multiverse, because they have to, because they want to.

(sorry again for bland picture, I love his expression in this gif but it wont load)

Mobius knows Loki is hurting-- from Lady Sif, from his past, from failing to protect Sylvie on his own, from Mobius not believing him and calling him "just a bad friend". He knows Loki could learn to believe, but he doesn't yet. Only Frigga ever told him she believed in him, he needs to hear it again. He needs to know he deserves love because he is loved. Mobius does, "believe, stupidly" (ep2) that Loki has this potential.

When I first saw this scene in the trailers, I was nervous it would be in the context of Mobius trying to get Loki on the TVA's side, "someone good". But here, this is so much better-- he knows the TVA is lying, is manipulating, is destroying lives. (L: "No one bad is every truly bad, and no one good is ever truly good" ep2 again lol). Loki knows he's not "truly good", that he's hurt people-- whether he planned to or not. But he can still be good. He can still choose to love, to care, to believe.

He can be what he's always wanted, what Frigga promised him, what he's always feared. He can be known, be loved, be safe-- Loki doesn't just fear being alone, he fears people choosing to leave him. That's why the memory of Lady Sif instead of Thor reaching for him on the Rainbow Bridge or Thanos threatening the Asgardian refugees or even Odin trying to explain why he "saved" Loki when he fought Loki's homeland. This memory was casual, simple, unnecessary. But it's always the smallest moments that truly impact us the most-- the slight changes.

When Mobius says this to Loki, he freezes-- he's confused, hesitant, scared. No one tells him this, why is someone telling him this, how can I believe this?

And then:

.And the little shrug Mobius gives here

It's so casual, so simple, so nonchalant. He just wants to reassure Loki that he still cares. He just spent a whole interrogation hounding on Loki for finding love with Sylvie, for changing with her (jealous boi be jealous), for lying to him and betraying him (M: "You don't do partners... unless ofc it benefits you and you intend to betray them at some point"). But now, now he's stopped lying to himself. He knows he cares, that Loki has a chance, that they have to burn this place down. Mobius wants stop this from ever happening again, from someone ever having to go through what Loki's gone through, being told they can never be loved because that's just how the Timeline goes. That a kid would be taken away from their family (probably because Sylvie presents feminine?? Idk, feel like MCU Odin wouldn't be so good with that). He has to reassure Loki, he wants to, because no one should ever feel that way again.

(and frick I really hate this, please look at the gifs from the linked post above, u gotta see his precious smile grow)

LOOK AT THIS SMILE, LOOK AT HIM HE'S HAPPY. And it was such a small, subtle apology from Mobius but it made all the difference bc he told Loki that he believes in him. And then they walk back out of the time cell, side-by-side, looking at each other. Content, safe, prepared to face the world together. He's no longer alone.

... And then ofc this happens...

*cue my heart shattering* (bless Hiddleston's acting).

The fact that you can even hear the hitch in Mobius' breath as he realizes this is the end of the line for him, that Ravonna knows and there's no going back--he's not making it out of this.

"One last desperate trick from the desperate trickster."

He talks about the jetski, about what his life might have been, he knows this hits Loki, being ripped from your timeline, losing all that potential. More importantly, it gives Loki a reason to fight. A silent, "Don't let this happen again. Don't let them get away with this. Please, remember me, don't let me disappear." But it doesn't work, because the one thing Mobius didn't account for, is that Loki cares about him. That now, the fight drains out of him. They pruned Mobius, ofc they'll get to Loki and Sylvie. They didn't even hesitate. Loki just lost, once again, the only other person who ever told him they believed in him. "You can be whoever, whatever..." "She told me I could do anything..."

Loki is less of a narcissist and more of a person desperate to fill that hole inside-- he's been neglected, cast aside, told he should want this and then never getting it. A "Glorious Purpose" to always hide in the shadows, to cause suffering, to give others a reason to unite against him. But for once, just once he hoped that he didn't have to do it alone-- that he could unite. And then they crushed those beautiful few seconds of hope like it was just another tedious, burdening purpose of the TVA.

(credits of images/gifs to the original posts linked, none were mine as I can't figure this out at all lol)

[lexpressobean]

Catching Up

A Sasuke and Shino... thing... It's not terribly organized.

This is just a thing I wrote, I have too many ideas going around in my head.

AU where Sasuke and Shino are childhood friends and Sasuke never leaves and other self indulgent bullshit

Mention of SasuNaru (only feelings); Mild Swearing.

•••

The sun would be getting ready to set soon, but Sasuke had finally found Shino out in the outskirts of Konohagakure, where a gentle stream passed through a small ravine in the forest. This was a spot where water striders were commonly found, almost seeming to play on the surface of the flowing water and as agile as any ninja walking on water.

Sasuke had meant to catch up with Shino, who had come back from a mission earlier in the day. Though, it was strange. Usually Shino wasn't all the way out here doing who knows what right after a mission. Sasuke would have thought he would be resting at the Aburame compound, especially since it had been a bodyguarding mission that seemed more lively than not according to Lord Shibi. Though Lord Shibi wasn't sure exactly where Shino had went, Sasuke had an idea.

Except, when Sasuke arrived, he was met with a cold reception. Which was very strange. Usually the only people who Shino got with like this were Naruto and Kiba, and, well, for good reason. Those two were idiots. And Shino could tolerate A LOT before he decided he was done tolerating. It was also worrying, seeing as Sasuke had been looking forward to seeing Shino today, so what gives? As far was Sasuke knew, the mission was a success. And Sasuke could use some company after today. The telltale signs of a having been in a fight were literally all over Sasuke's face, but no substantial damage had been done. At worst, maybe a sore jaw. Surely Shino had noticed.

Sasuke: Why are you so moody all of a sudden?

Shino: I don't want to talk about it.

Sasuke: Oh no, I know you, Shino. If we don't talk you're gonna just keep digging yourself into a huge pit, so just tell me!

Shino: It's nothing to be concerned about. You can let it go.

Sasuke: I can't let it go if you don't let it go. And I know you wont let it go. I know it's hard to talk sometimes but, it's better to, isn't it?

Shino: ... It'll be fine.

Sasuke: Which means it's not fine now! ... C'mon Shino... You're really the only one I can talk to myself. I don't even tell my brother half the things I tell you.

Shino: !?

Sasuke: So, even though I'm not all that great at this, the least I can do is at least try to understand. If it means something to you, then it means something period. Right...?

Shino: ... Huh. If you needed to talk, I would've thought you and Naruto had gotten that close by now, seeing as I was absent till this afternoon.

Sasuke: Huh!? Me and Naruto!? (Why would he bring him up all of a sudden!?) That idiot is as useless as a thin hammer! I mean, we might have been on the same team for a little more than a year now, but even then he's NOWHERE as thoughtful as you! He's just so dumb and oblivious, why would I ever trust him with any of my problems!? You know how much of a moron he is, his brand of stupid is legendary!

Sasuke got so worked up he was flushed in the face. It was mostly out of embarrassment, thought he hoped Shino took it as rage.

Shino: ... Is that how it is?

Sasuke: Yes! He wouldn't know tact if it came and bit him in the ass!

Shino: ... It sounds like you're mad at him, which is surprising. Why? Because but you were laughing with him earlier today. Is he responsible for your face too?

Sasuke: !! Huh? You saw us earlier? I didn't see you.

Shino: I know you didn't.

Sasuke: !?!?!? (OH... shit... I see...).

Shino: But now I'm curious... What exactly happened today?

Sasuke: !? N-Nothing happened! He's just not a very ideal candidate for conversation in general... Talk to him all you want about training and Shinobi business, but there's a pretty huge lack of depth there for anything else... And maybe he ended up pissing me off a little...

Shino: That's pretty strange... You seem to enjoy yourself so much in his presence despite.

Sasuke: !? ... ... ... *eye squint* ... Shino... do you... have a problem with Naruto?

Shino: No. *starts to walk away towards the village*

Sasuke: H-HEY!! Don't you walk away from me!

Shino: Don't tell me what to do.

Sasuke: !! (He can be kinda scary when he's pissed...) But how am I suppose to hear you out if you're not here!? *follows*

Shino: I told you, no need to concern yourself.

Sasuke: Augh, you can be so difficult!

Shino: So I've been told.

Sasuke: ... Has Kiba been giving you trouble again?

Shino: I wasn't insinuating anything.

Sasuke: And I know you could kick his ass yourself if you wanted to, but you're not like that. I know he can be just as irritating... Or you tell me what is actually bugging you.

At that moment, time seemed to stop the second Shino did. Sasuke heard himself too late, but instantly regretted everything.

Sasuke: *SWEATING*  ... I... am so sorry... I didn't mean it, you know I didn't.

Shino: ... Sounds like Naruto is starting to really rub off on you.

Sasuke: !?!? (This is the third time he mentions him! ... Alright) Shino, did Naruto upset you recently?

Shino: I haven't had the pleasure of even speaking with him recently, so no.

Sasuke: Then... if it wasn't Naruto, or Kiba... Is it cause I didn't see you earlier?

Shino: There's no reason to be upset over that. You were already engaged in something else and I simply happened to pass by and see you. It's okay Sasuke, I'll live if you don't say Hi everytime we cross paths.

Sasuke: Then what is it??

Shino: ... I already realized it's nothing to worry about... So you really don't have to worry either...

Sasuke: ... So... What... you don't trust me, then? Just gonna keep it all to yourself?

Shino: It's not that.

Sasuke: It's what it feels like! Can't you see I'm trying here!?

Shino: I've simply gone past it, why even talk about it?

Sasuke: BECAUSE IT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO!? Sometimes you're over it but it's nice to be filled in! I care! Stupid Shino!

Sasuke crossed his arms as he started at the back of Shino's head. Shino wouldn't turn to meet his gaze, and Sasuke wasn't gonna hold his breath, but, you know, it'd just be nice.

Shino: ... ....

Sasuke: ... Well?

Shino: ... ... I was... starting to feel... lonely...

Sasuke: !? O-Oh...

Shino: But we all have obligations and things to do... And you should spend your free time however you wish.

Sasuke: !! However I... Holy shit, are you JEALOUS of Naruto?

Shino: No. The feeling passed. Why? Because I realize now it's... nothing to be worked up about... We're still friends even if we're not together all the time...

It made sense. Ever since they had been spilt into seperate teams, Sasuke and Shino hadn't been able to see each other as often. Their different teams' specialties meant they wouldn't be working very close together any time soon.

Sasuke: ... Hmm... I guess... If I really think about it, we haven't properly hung out in a while...

Shino: We're getting busier as we get more experience. It's just the natural course of things. We're not academy students anymore, and soon, we'll all be chunin, I'm sure of it. We have to prepare ourselves.

Shino had this way of constantly trying to logic everything into a workable justification or solution. In a way, Sasuke respected that a lot, but sometimes it was just a too much of a cold stretch for his liking. Shino had all the makings of a great Shinobi, and Sasuke looked forward to the day Shino would head his clan, an equal with his older brother Itachi. He knew he was going to be excellent. But while he was still young, it certainly wouldn't kill Shino to try and live a little more. Sasuke decidedly walked up next to Shino, copying his friend's pose by pocketing his hands.

Sasuke: Yeah, but... It just means we gotta plan things out more, that's all. We can figure something out.

Shino: ... That could help.

Every once in a great while, Shino went soft in mid conversation. And Sasuke always knew he could take it as a good sign, and it always made Sasuke happy to hear that softeness. It was also kind of cute in a way, though Sasuke'd never say that outloud.

Sasuke: *smirks* Shino, sometimes I forget how sweet you really are.

Shino: Don't push it, Sasuke.

Shino decided they would continue to walk, and Sasuke followed, both boys a lot more relaxed now.

Sasuke: *laughs* ... But you know... I am sorry...

Shino: There's no need to apologize. My reaction wasn't very logical or fair. I should be happy for my friends.

Sasuke: First of all, you're a great friend... but if you were feeling like that. Well, I know first hand Naruto is hard to deal with... He's my teammate, but now I'm starting to think we, he and I, don't make very good friends. I think I have to remember sometimes it's, okay if you don't... you know... feel that strongly about each other. Some people just don't mix, and I don't want to be the kind of person that neglects my actual friends trying to improve my professional relationships more than possible.

Shino: Well that's a lie if I've ever heard one.

Sasuke: ??

Shino: Anyone with eyes can see you two get along exceptionally well.

Sasuke: !?

Shino: But if the problem is that he's oblivious and tactless, then maybe you should be asertively honest and tell him upfront about whatever it is that's troubling you.

Sasuke: Tch, I don't wanna hear that from you.

Shino: I told you I was over it, because I was. You obviously are not over it. Whatever this thing of yours is.

Sasuke: Ha, there's no thing.

Shino: ...

Damn it, Shino really could see through Sasuke sometimes. Maybe he was a Yamanaka in a previous life. His intuition was nerve wracking some days.

Sasuke: Seriously, there's no specific thing! I was speaking in a general sense! Naruto is a good teammate, and he's always going on about being rivals and becoming Hokage... And that's fine! If he thinks he can beat me, I'd like to see him try. But we'll probably never be very good friends, that's all I was saying. I've realized this recently.

Shino: Wait, Sasuke.

Sasuke: What is it?

Shino: ... Do you smell that?

The two boys stopped in their tracks and Sasuke put his guard up and looked around, analyzing their immediate surroundings. He saw no smoke, no signs of fire or recent activity, nor could detect any smells of animals that could give off scent.

Sasuke: Huh? Smell? I don't smell anything significant.

Shino: Really? Because to me... It's smells an awful lot like bullshit.

Sasuke choked on a scoff and became exasperated. This absolute jerk!

Sasuke: OH SHUT THE HELL UP SHINO, YOU SHITHEAD!! UGH!! Naruto rubbing off on me, sounds like maybe you've been around Kiba too long!

Shino: I can't force it out of you. But just like you, I'll be patient.

Sasuke: ??

Shino: When you're ready, you can tell me. I won't forget though.

Sasuke: Hmph, yeah yeah...

Shino: ...

Sasuke: ... ... I will... Just... just not right now... Okay...?

Shino: ... Eventually...

Sasuke: ... ... Eventually...

Shino: Okay.

Sasuke: ... Thank-you...

Shino offered a fist in Sasuke's general direction. Usually, it was Sasuke which initiated it, but coming from Shino, it meant a lot. He reluctantly smiled and bumped it. And if he guessed, correctly, Shino smiled under his collar too.

Sasuke: ... C'mon let's go get something to eat.

Shino: Huh?

Sasuke: My treat for a mission well done.

Shino: I can't have you do tha-

Sasuke: Shut it. Just take the damn offer!

Shino: If you insist.

Sasuke and Shino decidedly walked side by side, taking their time through the forest. As they talked about Shino's mission, Sasuke's progress, their brothers, and whatever else they thought up, Shino already seemed a hundred percent lighter in his mood. But Sasuke couldn't shake it from his mind. He knew Shino was made of tough stuff, but he'd never wanna cause any friend to feel like that. This was a wake up call.

Sasuke was sure of his feelings. But his feelings for Naruto should never have gotten the better of him. He lost his temper today when Naruto just wasn't getting it. He thought for a hot minute and seventeen seconds Naruto might have actually been flirting with him. Flirting. With HIM. But he realized it was just him being delusional after Naruto made some off colored remarks.

What an idiot. Sasuke was actually thankful Shino hadn't seen that part...

... And yet... Sasuke wasn't over it, as Shino so smartly pointed out...

... Maybe it was time to burry these feelings, before they really got out of hand. Sasuke cared about Shino, his best friend since the academy. Always willing to lend an ear, surprisingly sassy and snarky once you got to know him well, loyal and understanding. Severely underappreciated by the rest of their cohorts, though Sasuke was sure Hinata Hyuuga was definitely a good match for him team-wise. And maybe if Shino played his cards right, something more?

... Sasuke was sure the day would come when Shino found a girl to be interested in and charm. But he was also dreading that day, seeing as it'd probably be easy for Shino once he decided he really wanted a girlfriend. Sasuke knew Shino had a pretty nice face under all those layers, especially around the eyes when he could see them in profile. But even before the gravity of his personal situation really hit him, he had already decided he liked Shino as a friend, and would rather not lose that. Sasuke thought he knew better, yet, here he was, in the closet with no active intention to follow through, but nonetheless undeniably drawn in by his clamorous teammate. Sasuke still had the upperhand on the field, for now, but Naruto was still getting the best of him in his own damn head. He still wasn't sure what it was about Naruto, all he knew is that this had to stop. He really didn't want to make Shino feel like that again, and cause drama within his own team for reasons he was unwilling to explain like earlier. Even Kakashi was visibly more invested than usual, and Sasuke loathed the idea of creating unecessary misunderstandings in general, or anything else like that. Sakura also looked so worried...

So for the sake of peace of mind, Sasuke decided that evening that he'd be done with Naruto.

No more distractions and wishful thinking. Shino was right.

It's time to focus on the future.

•••

But y'all know they ain't never gonna be done. Tune in next time as Naruto tries to bring "the old Sasuke" back and makes an absolute scene amost every other week over not getting enough of Sasuke's attention for the 2 years lmao.

[p1nkwitch]

May I ask for the Director's Cut on "One man's trash is another man's treasure"? It's the first fic of yours that I read, and it remains one of my favourites in the fandom.

Awww my fist long fic, yes!!! of course, it has a special place in my heart.

Basically i love soulmate Aus with all my heart, and i wanted to do a lonelyeyes one, problem was in canon they are both bastards, So if they figured it inmediatly both would try to outwit each ohter. Sooo, i had to think about what type of soulmate au to use where they would be connecting, but they wouldnt inmediatly pick on the ohter being their soulmate.

I remebered reading a one shot from another fandom about the general idea of finding your significant other lost things. From there it was a matter of them being kind of dumb about it. Which slowly progressed into them moving in together making it impossible to discern that they were finding stuff, cause they assumed it was already there only misplaced.

Now as for the plot. I wanted Elias to deny everything, like he thought he was manipulating Peter’s feelings, until he got hit with the fact that shit he does care!!

Peter on the other hand was panicking through all of of their first dates, thats what i had on mind, he struggled with liking him and being concerned about it. Plus knowing that he had been negletcting his soulmate.

Speaking of that!! Simon knowing but not saying anything was my best idea, because he totally would do that. He saw the pen and decided to troll them both for years. I stan one magnificent bastard.

One of the things that i dont think i pointed out enough, but i wanted to was the moment they both start to lose the things from their soulmates, i wanted it to mean something to them. It represented their relationship, they both thought they were neglecting their respective soulmates and wanted to reject them, but once they finally started to lose their things, they instantly regreted!!! At the end when Elias stops getting stuff after they go their own ways, but slowly starts to get back his little trinkets once Peter can connect again with him? That he reconizes the man he loved even in another body???

The sweater? That was the thing that joined Elias with Peter for years, the one memento from his soulmate that he loved the most.

Peter is the type who would show he cares by gifts or small acts that you wont notice, because he hates saying things, while Elias wants to know, to let it be said.

One of the scenes that i enjoyed the most was when Elias realizes that he cant end things, when Peter wraps himself around him and he finally has to admit he is fucked. i take a lot of joy from having him realize that  YES!! He cares about him, while being soft. I really makes me happy!!

Their first marriage? The post it note? A reference i made in another fic that i had to use. Plus its cute ok? It wasnt legal by any means, but to them it meant something.

Later i would make the joke of the fake divorces written in the fridge to keep it going, but not really having them divorce because im a softy. I may find romance in real life uncomfortable but for this? This deserves everything!!

Elias going for Peter was inspired by another fic that dealt with that, plus my brain always goes Orpheus and Euridice parallel and i go feral, im a sucker from greek mythology. Also i have this idea that Elias is more honest when he thinks Peter is unconcious so admiting to loving him and being his soulmate was.. well perfect.

OH the entire chapter of their legal wedding was so fun!! Mikaele being a sucker for weddings Simon just killing the homophobic asshole!! But the real reason it went like that, was because i have in my head that the piña colada Song fits them too much. And needed to have an excuse to use it in the fic, yes thats why it was put there!! Sorry if its kind of corny.

Also i just put the JM as a literall paralel with lonelyeyes with them being unable to realize they are soulmates.

Jondaisy platonic friends, i wont lie, the actual reason, the actual honest to god reason i started Tma was because i saw fanart of Jon and Daisy being queerplatonic friends and i thought i was delighted, so they have a... somewaht soft spot for me. Now i get the full scope of their complicated relationship, but back then it felt right to let it be like that.

Now the ending, here is the deal, i did not want Peter to die, because he is my favourite character so i needed a reason to keep him. JM being soulmates helped with it by Jon blinding hismelf and having them need to think a new plan.

Mm i dont think i can elaborate on anything else. I mean if you want something specific ask away i dont mind!! But i hope you enjoy this, it might have come a little scrambled so apologies.

Mm final notes!! Yes one more thing which was actually the most important plot point.

Originally i was going to write it all from Peter’s persepective since i had the entire thing planned out from him, but ended up switching to Elias last moment so i could do Peter’s perspective last!! I wanted to practice writing Elias more, since Peter ends up coming easier for me. I find the lonely... easier to write.

Anyways thanks for asking Percy!! This was a lovely ask and im very happy you like my little fic, i hope i improved ever since then!!

[iereiaio]

𝕸𝖆𝖐𝖊 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕮𝖍𝖔𝖎𝖈𝖊

There is no shadow work prompt today, however I will be giving some updates, and then some insight on a reading I had received and then one I just did for myself. They have similar messages but I feel mine is more in depth. I will be separating the topics into sections so you can skip around to what you’d like! 

Updates regarding the Account

I will be trying to post more starting today. I feel as though Haides hasn’t been very happy with me considering my inability to devote ANY time to him, aside from talking to him at night before bed, and sleeping with his altar bag. I feel he’s in the forefront of my mind on most days, but I’ve been lacking the motivation and energy to do anything about it. I am a Priestess. He chose me out of nearly 8 BILLION people in this world. He’s been with me since I was born into this life, as well as all of my previous lives. He has been with me for hundreds, if not thousands of years. I had gotten this confirmed by several readers, and several of my own readings, and I had always had a very strong pull towards him, as well as luck with a lot of things. He’s believed in me for so long, and I can feel his patience in me wearing thin, and it’s a very lonely feeling. He hasn’t pulled back from me, however I just feel like he doesn’t have as much faith in me as he once did. So I will be trying to do shadow work at the very least once a week, but I aim to do 3-6 days a week. So expect more posts with shadow work. I was healing when I was journaling and pulling cards every day. I have been very stagnant lately and I know it’s because I’ve been neglecting my journey of healing, but also my deities and other passions in my life. I know Haides understands, but I also know he wants me to do better and try harder. Even a little bit of effort, I’m sure he will appreciate 

The reading I had received 

I got a reading from a friend today, I pulled it regarding new deities potentially knocking on my spiritual door (I feel as though Lucifer and Lilith are wanting to work with me, but somebody I don’t know said that Lilith told her it was an imposter entity, so I am needing to do some research before confirming or denying that. This reading was supposed to do that, but instead it came for my throat. Anyway, on with the cards:

6 of swords

5 of swords

10 of swords

9 of swords

4 of pentacles

7 of wands

the Hermit

queen of swords  

So into the interpretation, they said I have very little energy (as represented by the 6 of swords), and that Im trying to heal but it’s just really difficult. Any new deities coming into my circle will provide me more energy, but it will “hurt” me a little bit- (represented by the 10 of swords, I am personally believing it may be once I start putting more energy into Haides, I will be getting this newfound energy) And by hurting me, it will be learning lessons. As lessons are often hard to learn. I am represented again in the 9 of swords, being in pain consistently (mentally) but with the 4 of pentacles, Hades will help me step into my personal power, and break free from restrictions i feel financially- but also emotionally. Im being given the opportunity to go forth after the things in life that im passionate about, and i know what im passionate about but i fear both success and failure. The Hermit, which was a funny draw, because Haides uses that card to represent himself in my decks- but I feel alone a lot ofthe time (not a lie anyway lmao), and with the Queen, im being called to action to either step up or get out of the battle. Im being called to be more assertive and call to Haides for the strebgth Im currently lacking. “Embody him so to speak”. They suggested EVOKING Haides, and even INvoking him next. They also said my protections might be weak (hope I don’t regret saying that online)

Now onto my own reading

So, for mine, I did it pretty soon after theirs, since they gave me a bit of clarity on what to look for. As well as insight that Haides wasn’t too happy with me and my depressed shenanigans. While YES hes understanding, and more understanding and patient than many other deities would be, he is still growing impatient with me, considering how little effort im putting into ANYTHING. So with the insight, i decided to do my own pull based ont he reading I had gotten from my friend. The cards I pulled were:

(the first reading was very short and to the point)

Page of Swords 

The Hermit (only to find Haides in the deck)

King of Cups

And in the second reading, which was much longer, I pulled:

Two of Wands

Eight of cups (R)

Four of coins (R)

Seven of cups (R)

Three of coins 

The High Priestess (R)

The Magician (R)

The Fool

Page of Cups

The World

The Artist (unique major arcana card to this deck)

The way that I personally interpret the first reading, is that Haides misses my energy, and would like to help me gain it back, however I need to devote at least some of my energy to him and show him my loyalty to him in order to get that in return. I cannot expect help with healing without giving him anything in return. I need to do better if I want his help. He will be there for me, but he wants me to do better. He wants the best for me. 

As for the second reading, I have some decisions i need to make, i assume about my current artistic path, i will have some career opportunities but i need to work now to get them. My depression and hopelessness is represented by the 8 of cups, ive been in a real bad rut these last couple weeks, moreso in the last few days as some bad, traumatic memories have started to resurface. Haides is reminding me with the 4 of coins to start being more responsible, not only with my money, but with my time. I’ve spent so many days moping in bed, sad, sleeping all day; he wants to help me but he wants me to prove to him that I am devoted to him and my healing journey. He wants me to try, even on hard days. He wants to give me clarity and strength to move forward, but again, wants me to  prove my loyalty to this journey. If i put forth the effort, i will grow and blossom in the ways I need to. I will succeed with him by my side. However I need to be more open with myself, and not allow ignorance to take me off my path. I need to remember that the things that have happened to me, have already happened. And while it’s okay to process and be sad about them, and traumatised (as its as if im living these things for the first time), but I cannot let them ruin my entire day, or multiple days. I cannot let my life waste away because of something bad happening. I need to stop letting insecurities rule my life as well. I’ve noticed when I get insecure about something, I shut down and don’t even complete, or start the project. I need to understand that everything isn’t going to be perfect. Though despite the learning I need to do, I also need to cater to my inner child. I need to hold onto that innocents and free spirit. i need to focus on new beginnings and getting these new things rolling instead of just staring at them hopelessly, letting them intimidate me. I need to dive back into spirituality and again, tend to my inner child. If I can do that, I will be successful and happy; I can be brought to the right path, but I need to get back on the right path. Things are rocky, and it’s gonna be a little weird going backwards so I can get back on the right path, but sometimes it’s necessary. I also believe I will have a lot of success with art. I just need to put my mind to  it and put energy into it. I wont get recognition and success by never drawing or posting. I wont succeed if I don’t put in the work. 

[xsay10x]

I'll be my own Inquirer

Why so incapable of contemplating this constantly unstable mental state put up with it for a taste of what it feels to be understood for once but is it worth the risk I really need to think this through why I'm reluctant

to share my ideals and opinions tell people what my thoughts are open up with my consciences but cant quite make a coherent sentences so I just hide keep everything inside make sure nothing can come in from the outside because i don't care to confide in the ones who saw something good in me

Wow.. oh! really? what a pussy you see what I mean who talks about their feelings you just need to vibe bro it's not that complex just go with the flow let go stop holding on to the to the shortest rope with the least likelyhood of success

Success what is success dress up for attention have the latest model and nicest brand surrounding yourself with distractions procrastinating instead of contemplating how to be the best you that you want to be

But am I changing for me? or for what I was programmed to be just waiting for directions like the rest of humanity

Stop and take a hit just smile and laugh shut up and start relaxing your attitude is really taxing

How is it, that you can be relaxing while others are slaving away to pay their bills mountains that came from hills

Nah man here just take some more pills I'm not here for this shit

You ain't real enough for this shit just a cog in a machine a dog on a leash careful not to bite the one who feeds

Following orders and deeds obligated to represent reputations neglecting their just vessel a tool being used to confuse the masses they think their the consumers being programmed frequent frequencys colors and pretty flashing lights

Designed to have you mindlessly sitting on the couch smiling neglecting your brain till you go insane till you open of your pouch of pain meds now your addicted but not affected cause your drugs did their job of robbing you of your cognitive thinking now your a cog no need to thrive a bee in hive serve your queen that's not obscene

I'm not trying to instigate these situations I hate but I can't pretend that I dont spectate and sit alone think hold what wait try a lil harder to file my thoughts thought hard about it I feel myself departing no longer hanging I the branch I've hanging on for way to long

I cant let me lose myself cuz I'm all I got I don't care what i was taught I'm not on the clock

Still so unsure what the game plan is but I'm getting more uncomfortable with uncertainty

Let myself stay close to home dont get lost all on my own but still complete that dont mean I want to compete

It's not hard to see that I'm socially inept. I'm begrudgingly accepting the fact that I don't mix with society cuz a part of me has always wanted to blend in but in my own way

Cant even keep track of these days constant reruns don't need the attention I dont want to be in your silly little club or a taste of the sweet life I dont ever want to be a wife

I want stay true to me but when I'm obstructing my own sight its really hard to see who I actually want to be

I went to wander and roam free think for myself try to make it on own but now I'm lost in this labyrinth that is everything I fear everything i hold dear lost in mind and seem to find this part of be that seems to be missing

I'm no longer okay please stay away

I've created a tailored hell just for to sink further into insanity no I don't need help. I'll do it by myself just go away

Or you'll have hell to pay I'm I'm toxic but not just cause I'm sick of all this shit of adjusting and trusting for them to not care what I think

But they dont have to but I'm of hearing bitching from someone whose so insignificant that try to be something superior to me

Why cant we see that were equally capable of maintaining a stable mindset but I know it just goes right over my headset manically depressed or just obsessed trying to breaking away when something's

Telling me I need to stay to find that there will always be pain clean up another blood stain refrain from buying a fresh blade

At a masquerade ball try to find my way but feeling more like im looking in fun house mirrors facing the fears I have of myself

Won't stop complicating everything thing I'm saying can't stop arguing with my self is there really a war going on in my head can't stand the hours I set here laying in bed waiting patiently silently debating constantly switching the side I stand on till I fall find myself laying in bed awake again

Not know how I left myself drifting so long

Being shifty but letting things slip out of control and I don't think I'm holding on to anything but my problems can't keep my promises

I just want to find the common denominator to all this mental labor. But I trapped myself within these these conflicting thoughts

the way I'm feeling can't say just what I'm thinking cant help how far I'm falling

I wont reach out for help... I don't need your help. I dont want your help I just run away from everything right now

Why are all my thoughts consistently conflicting wont stop contradicting what I try to put my mind too

Always finding new ways to contribute to the progression of humanity

I won't stop obsessing I can't bring myself to comply even if I have to lie

Whenever I stand up tall try to make myself different from you all but the universe is so much bigger than us all we don't realize how far we're actually falling

It gets me wondering to where I just sit alone pondering the possibilities of so many diverse realities

The perspectives of everyone. are enough to confuse anyone

Making you feel so discombobulated used to think everyone else was assimilated

Yet it still feels like ive been searching for so long feel my patience slowly slipping away

As my path remain unclear forced myself to stay say I was okay not knowing what that means to me

I fell away blindly moving to go forward into life I thought wanted still struggling to grow up and deal what I've been through not knowing what seems right I dont know how much longer I can stay fight

Wanted so bad to hold onto the mistakes I've learned from but I fell down a rabbit hole everything pulling me back into the habits I want to let go of

I don't know how to move forward I want to go but part of me won't budge

I need a nudge feel free to judge me but who am i judging really why am i comparing all of these people? because I wont let myself see when in comes down to it the only one that i got through it all is me and I need to focus on myself cuz I'm all I have for the long haul but I'm still not ready at all

afraid to receive affection or look at my own reflection not willing to stop and check my agenda hoping to get enough high that it will distract me from my health and keep me from falling into this paradox I call myself

I just have to keep deceiving myself so I cant trick everyone and so I Don't forget to smile and constantly contradict and contort so that they cant see me decaying and semi consciously constraining what im actually thinking because its wrong to think about all the bullshit the majority's put up with an If you can't help but think about it

Just pretend like your okay because that's how you run in the human race

Still can't help ask why I alive? Who is this mask? I'll follow their lead finish the task neglect what need

To fuel the fire that seeds my Insanity

Because I am alright I'm doing fine

I'll say that I'm okay so I dont bare the shame of running away

[milofuckedup]

Questionnaire; task 2

read more about my boy under the cut

Basic Character Questions

First name?  Milo

Last names? Blevins

Middle names? Dean

Nicknames? Mi, Mimi, Spacey

Date of birth? September 9th 1996

Age? 23

Physical / Appearance

Height? 6″0

Build? Athletic, lanky

Hair colour? Honey Brunette

Hair style? Mess of locks across his head

Eye colour? Blue

Glasses or contact lenses? Neither

Scars or birthmarks? cigarette burns across his arms, a scar above his right eye

Tattoos? none

Physical or mental handicaps? none

Type of clothes? thrift store chic. He lives in light washed jeans and old button down shirts

Race / Ethnicity? caucasian 

Mannerisms? fidgety, stuttery, always rubbing his lips 

Personality

What words or phrases do they overuse? “im sorry” “lets play a game” “can we go home?”

Do they have a catchphrase? No

Are they more optimistic or pessimistic? pessimistic

Are they introverted or extroverted? VERY introverted

Do they ever put on airs? no

What bad habits do they have? smoking, drinking, running away 

What makes them laugh out loud? just about everything

How do they display affection? gently nuzzling his head into you, resting his head on your shoulder, holding your hand. He likes to be touched softly

How do they want to be seen by others? like a nice person, someone who loves deeply and genuinely 

How do they see themselves? as actual human garbage 

Strongest character trait? sensitivity 

Weakest character trait? sensitivity 

How competitive are they? not at all

Do they make snap judgements or take time to consider? he over things EVERYTHING

How do they react to praise? awkwardly

How do they react to criticism? crying

What is their greatest fear? spiders

What are their biggest secrets? he is sure that everyone in his life hates him, they all want him gone, so he works with everything that he has to try and get people to stay

When was the last time they cried? right now, he is probably crying this moment. 

What haunts them? his father

What will they stand up for? his friends, his loved ones, never himself

Are they indoorsy or outdoorsy? indoorsy

What is their sinful little habit? chainsmoker 

What quality do they most value in a friend? honesty, loyalty, wont leave him

What do they consider an overrated virtue? Dignity 

If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be? his inability to speak about what he wants, what he likes, what he needs from someone

What is their obsession? reading

What are their pet peeves? people biting their nails. 

Friends and Family

Is their family big or small? Who does it consist of? hes all alone. 

What is their perception of family? that it isnt who you are born with it is who you chose. 

Do they have siblings? Older or younger? none

Describe their best friend. Luna Olsson she is selfless, and thoughtful and has picked Milo up more times than he can count, she is the on person on this planet he trusts enough to live with, he loves her more than he thought he could, he has let her in more than anyone else. 

Ideal best friend? See Above

Describe their other friends. Hudson the person he always turns to when life gets too tough. Tanner  the man that he can always have fun with, turn his brain off with and just let himself breathe with. Rion someone who has always been perfect and loving and gentle with him. 

Do they have any pets? no 

Past and Future

What was your character like as a baby? As a child? he was a quiet baby, and a well behaved child, he did everything that he could to get his mother to stop abandoning him  

Did they grow up rich or poor? DIRT poor

Did they grow up nurtured or neglected? neglected 

What is their greatest achievement? staying alive

What was their first kiss like? awkward, fumbly, he threw up afterwards because his stomach was in knots

What is the worst thing they did to someone they loved? make them feel like they were second best

What are their ambitions? maybe get his GED one day

What advice would they give their younger self? its all shit, dont even bother trying

What smells remind them of their childhood? burning tires, old gas stations, and piss under bridges

What was their childhood ambition? to stay alive

What is their best childhood memory? his 10th birthday his best friend came over with a cupcake and remembered the day while his mom was drugged up on the couch

What is their worst childhood memory? take your fuckin pick. 

Did they have an imaginary childhood friend? no

When was the last time they were crushed with disappointment? every day 

What past act are they most ashamed of? any time he has ever been intimate with someone 

What past act are they most proud of? any time he has been intimate with someone 

Love

Do they believe in love at first sight? no 

Are they in a relationship? no 

How do they behave in a relationship? like a lovesick puppy, very clingy, very needy, asks if they still love him every twenty five seconds 

When did you character last have sex? two years ago

Has your character ever been in love? yes

Have they ever had their heart broken? yes

Conflict

How do they respond to a threat? tears

Are they most likely to fight with their fists or their tongue? his tongue 

If your character could only save one thing from their burning house, what would it be? the teddy bear his grandma gave him

What do they love to hate? reality television 

What are their phobias? spiders, the dark, being alone

What living person do they most despise? no one 

Have they ever been bullied or teased? his whole life 

Where do they go when they’re angry? on a long drive to the next town over 

Who are their enemies and why? he doesnt like to have any 

Work, Education and Hobbies

What is their current job? gas station clerk 

What do they think about their current job? he hates it

What are some of their past jobs? gas station clerk, thief, drug dealer

What are their hobbies? reading, writing, singing 

Educational background? didnt get ANY formal education

Do they have a natural talent for something? singing 

Do they play a sport? Are they any good? god no 

What is their socioeconomic status? lower lower lower class 

Favourites

What is their favourite animal? cats 

What place would they most like to visit? england 

What is the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen? the beach at night 

What is their favourite song? halloween - hunny 

Music, art, reading preferred? music: indie. Art: abstract. Reading: character studies 

What is their favourite color? green

Favourite food: chicken tenders and fries

What is their favourite day of the week? friday night

Possessions

What is in their fridge: ketchup, sauces, lemons

What is on their bedside table? books, a glass of water 

What is in their car? absolutely nothing

What is in their purse or wallet? his id, and his library card

What is in their pockets? a packet of gum, his phone, his empty wallet, his keys, two rings that he takes on and off 

What is their most treasured possession? his book collection

Spirituality

Who or what is your character’s guardian angel? doesnt have one

Do they believe in the afterlife? no

What are their religious views? none

What do they think heaven is? a full fridge and your best friends 

What do they think hell is? other people

Are they superstitious? no 

What would they like to be reincarnated as? a house cat

How would they like to die? car accident or sleep 

What is your character’s spirit animal? field mouse

What is their zodiac sign? virgo

Values

What do they think is the worst thing that can be done to a person? abandonment 

When did they last lie? he doesnt really lie, he mainly omits truths

what is their view of lying? he hates it, thinks its despicable 

When did they last make a promise? last week 

Did they keep or break their last promise? he broke it

Daily life

What are their eating habits? whenever he can, he will eat whatever is in front of him. 

Do they have any allergies? pollen 

Describe their home. small, dingey, covered in books, a bed on the floor, empty fridge 

Are they minimalist or a clutter hoarder? clutter hoarder 

What do they do first thing on a weekday morning? sleep, he just finished the night shift

What do they do on a Sunday afternoon? go for a walk and take a picnic

What do they do on a Friday night? stay in and read

What is the soft drink of choice? sprite

What is their alcoholic drink of choice? whiskey neat

Miscellaneous

Who is their hero? he doesnt have any

What or who would your character dress up as for Halloween? dracula

If they could save one person, who would it be?

If they could call one person for help, who would it be?

What is their greatest extravagance? he owns an iphone 5 

What is their greatest regret? hurting angel @angclhqs​

What would they do if they won the lottery? buy a house, donate the rest

Do they believe in happy endings? no 

What is their idea of perfect happiness? a good book, electricity on, and a cup of tea 

What would they ask a fortune teller? how long until I am content

If your character could travel through time, where would they go? 2200 

If they could have a superpower, what would they choose? invisibility