#i feel absolutely terrible and i really dont know how to fix this

[pansyfemme]

i am going to pass out

[munsonsmixtapes]

hi, for ur 1k thing

anthony, enemies to lovers and the 4th prompt? sorry if this is wrong i dont use tumblr a lot

You did it exactly right, lovely!

Anthony Bridgerton x fem!reader

prompt used: “You’re a terrible influence.”

You had hated Anthony Bridgerton since the moment you laid eyes on him. Maybe it was the way he was the way his hair laid, or maybe it was the way he always knew how to push your buttons. Whatever it was, he just really got under your skin in a way that nobody else did. And you did the same to him. He absolutely despised you and the way that you spoke to him like you had no regard for his feelings whatsoever. And you didn’t.

Anytime you were together, you had to be separated because of how easy it was for you to argue. It was as if you couldn’t agree on anything. Every conversation was drenched in hatred, neither of you having a single kind thing to say to each other. No one knew what had initially caused the strife, but what they did know was that you absolutely could be not be in the same room together.

It was the start of the season and Queen Charlotte had thrown a ball in honor of it. Little did you know that she had her eye on you for her pick as the diamond. There was something about you that intrigued her. You always spoke your mind no matter what and that was something she admired. You seemed mature for your age, well, other than the silly feud with the Bridgerton boy, but she could easily nip that in the bud.

She watched you dance across the floor with the man who had asked you. You were all smiles as the two of you laughed together, trying to shush each other when you got too loud. Her gaze then moved to Anthony who was across the room, practically burning holes into the two of you because of how hard he was staring. Ah, so he was jealous.

Perhaps Anthony was jealous, but he’d never admit that. He’d never admit how you drove him absolutely crazy. How he wanted to pull you into the nearest room and have his way with you because he couldn’t help himself. Sure, he didn’t like you, but that was irrelevant when it came to his physical attraction to you. That was all it was. As soon as he was done with you, he knew the feeling would go away. At least, he hoped it would.

But as far as you were concerned, there was no attraction to Anthony whatsoever. You had always hated him and would continue to do so for the rest of your life. So what if he had hair that you wanted to run your fingers through? So what if his eyes were the most beautiful shade of brown you had ever seen? So what if you dreamed of his lips on yours every night. It wasn’t like you were actually going to act on your fantasies. Perhaps you had let his incredibly good looks overshadow just how rude he was.

You looked over your partner’s shoulders to look at Anthony only to see his eyes already on yours. If looks could kill, you definitely would have been dead. His eyebrows were furrowed and he looked like he was seconds away from marching over to you to have some words.

As soon as the song ended, he did just that, practically flying across the room because of how fast he was moving. He got to you just as your partner bid you goodbye with a bow. You turned around to get some lemonade when you almost bumped into Anthony, practically jumping out of your skin as you did so. You hadn’t even noticed he was there.

You looked up at him, seeing his eyes fill with a fire that was unrecognizable. He looked almost angry. But not the kind of angry that he usually was when it came to you. This one wasn’t nearly as intense. Without a word, he reached out and grabbed your hand, placing it on his shoulder before resting his on the small of your back before joining your free hands together. The two of you moved around the room with the other couples while you looked at anyone but him, his gaze still fixed on you.

The whole thing was so strange. Just days ago, he told you that you hated you with everything in him and now the two of you were dancing together? He hadn’t even asked either. He just took your hand and before you knew it, you were moving about the room to the music.

“What are we doing?” You finally asked and Anthony looked at you, confused, as if he didn’t understand your question.

“Dancing,” he said with a chuckled even though he knew exactly what you were asking.

“I mean, why are we dancing? You don’t like me.”

“Who said that?” An amused smirk kicked up at the corner of his mouth and you hated how cute you thought it was. How pink his lips were and how much you wanted them to be spittle between yours.

“You did? The other day. You told me that you hated me with everything that you were.” He had forgotten he said that. And honestly, that was probably the meanest thing he had ever said. But he didn’t hate you. Not at all. In fact, he was now realizing that he loved you. Perhaps the thing he hated was the fact that he’d never have you because you really did seem to hate him. It was clear in the way that you looked at him. Like he was the scum of the earth.

“I don’t hate you,” he said as he leaned down so that his lips were right by your ear. “In fact, all I can think about is how beautiful you look tonight. And just how much I want to see what you’re hiding underneath your dress.” Your cheeks burned at his words. Your skin was heating up as you imagined that exact thing: Anthony pulling off your dress and having his way with you like you had secretly been wanting for months now.

“You’re a terrible influence.”

“And you love it.”

If you had liked him and he had liked you, then what had the feud really been about? Was it the result of all of your pent up desire that was making you both so angry with each other? Well, no. At one point, you had actually hated him. There was just something that you couldn’t pinpoint that rubbed you the wrong way and now…well the dreams you had about him leaving Mayfair or falling off his horse were all now replaced with images of his lips on yours, his hands roaming all over your body.

You were getting hot, your face flushed as your mind with the images again. It was all wrong. So wrong. You weren’t supposed to be thinking about him in that way and if anyone could have seen your thoughts, they would surely have scolded for it.

You let go of Anthony and he looked at you with furrowed eyebrows because you seemed nervous and the song hadn’t even finished. Had he done something wrong? Had he embarrassed you? Whatever he had done, he wished he could have taken it back right then. He wanted to fix it.

“I’m sorry, Viscount Bridgerton, but I must go,” you curtsied. “Thank you for the lovely dance.” And with that, you made a dash for the garden, desperate for some fresh air and to get away from Anthony and your feelings for him.

Because if he wasn’t in your sight, if he wasn’t touching you then your feelings would cease…wouldn’t they? That was what you were hoping anyway. Out of sight out of mind as far as you were concerned.

But on your way to the garden, his words kept repeating in your head on a loop, echoing over and over. It was driving you mad, but you also didn’t want it to stop. You wanted him to whisper even more scandalous things into your ear, all of the things he wanted to do to you.

You entered the garden, rushing down the steps to get further into, hoping that no one was out there and that no one would find you either. You just need to be alone for a moment to clear your head. To catch your breath since Anthony seemed to have been stolen with his shocking words.

You didn’t care that it was pouring rain outside. That was far preferable to staying in the ballroom. It suddenly felt stuffy in there with it being filled with people. You didn’t know why you were making excuses when it was perfectly acceptable for you to tell Anthony that you didn’t want to see him. You didn’t care if he upset him. You hated him. You hated him. And that was the only feeling you’d ever have for him.

The rain poured down even more and you looked back just in time to see Anthony chasing after you and hurried down the steps, trying to move slowly since they seemed slippery. But he was gaining on you and you needed to get away as fast as possible.

“Leave me alone,” you called out, but he seemed to have not heard you. Either that or he was ignoring you. You were convinced that it was the latter.

Just as you were getting off the last step, your foot slipped. You let out a gasp and closed your eyes, bracing yourself for hitting the ground, but you never did. You opened your eyes and Benedict was staring down at you, a look of worry on his face.

“Falling for me, hm?” He asked, his signature teasing smirk forming on his lips. You were falling for him. And fast. And the way that he looked drenched in the rain that had fallen from the sky made you feel something that was foreign to you. He was…beautiful.

“Shut up,” you pushed his hands off of you as he helped you back on your feet. “Let’s go inside before we get sick.”

“No,” he grabbed onto your wrist and pulled you back. “I need to talk to you. Right now.”

“About what, Anthony?” You asked, resisting the urge to roll your eyes.

“About…us.” You paused. What could he have meant by that? Unless…no. There was absolutely no way.

You backed away from him, getting further into the rainfall, but that was the least of your worries. All you wanted to do was run. But you couldn’t. You tried to get away, but it was as if your feet were stuck, glued to where you were standing.

“I have despised you since the day we met,” Anthony said as he stepped forward, getting closer to you.

“Anthony-“

“I’m not done,” he interrupted you, stepping forward until you were only inches away from each other. He reached up and moved one of your soaked wet pieces of hair from your face, his hand resting on your cheek.

“I have liked you for a long time, but convinced myself that I hated you because I thought it would have been easier. Turns out it wasn’t.” He rested his other hand on the small of your back, pulling you to him so that your bodies were flush to each other.

“I don’t hate you. In fact, I feel the exact opposite.” You felt like all of the air had been sucked out of your lungs. Could it actually be possible that Anthony Bridgerton loved you? Was this not what you had been dreaming of for months? Then why were you so scared?

You stared at him, your mouth falling open as his confession. Looking into his eyes, seeing how he ran after you and was willing to confess his feelings to you in the pouring rain, you decided that you had no choice to believe him.

Before you could stop yourself, you grabbed onto his coat and pressed your lips to his in a rushed kiss. At first, he gasped into your mouth, be he quickly melted into you, his lips moving with yours.

Your arms moved to his neck, pulling him as close to you as possible, wanting to have your lips attached to his forever now that you had a little taste. You knew he had much more experience than you did, but you seemed to be leading the whole thing. You moved his head this way and that so you could have more access to his lips and he was quick to comply, wanting to do whatever you asked.

“In case it wasn’t obvious, I love you too,” you smiled against his lips. He laughed at that, lifting you in his arms and spinning you around, giggles escaping your lips as well. That was a sound that Anthony decided that he wanted to hear every day for the rest of his life.

It was so pretty, infectious. His favorite song. As he set you down on the ground, he made the decision that he was going to get a ring the first thing in the morning and propose to you. There was no way in hell that he was letting you slip through his fingers once again.

[feelo-fick]

Headcanon: Chilchuck and his Bad Takes on Literature

i think chilchuck would be like my mom in the sense that he wouldnt like sad stories. dont get me wrong, cautionary tales? absolutely fine. they serve a purpose to him which is to tell people "dont be an idiot and do this or else something bad will happen"

generally sad or angsty stories though? no point to him, and in his perspective its really confusing how people just read things that make them sad. like whats the use of reading something if its just gonna make you sad. whats the lesson? its not even real so it doesnt help anyone.

whats the point in making yourself cry when you could just avoid that entirely by not reading it at all?

but the one of the biggest reasons why sad stories exist is to let you release all the built up grief in you. to send you something to let out all your emotions in a healthy way. catharsis. empathy.

even when i dont relate to the tragic experiences in some stories, several ones ive read have lead me to realize that im in a bad situation or that im following in the footsteps of the character suffering. its like a wake up call.

and making yourself cry isnt inherently a bad thing. if crying allows you to let go of building pressure and tension in you then thats good!

but chil wouldnt see that. of course he wouldnt, hes avoidant of most situations that would allow him to release emotion, and fearful of letting his mature (read: repressed) persona slip.

hes someone that runs away to quick comforts and distractions at the earliest sign of issue. hes already been in too many horrifying situations, dealing with another is a pain. and he knows denying everything and refusing to look at the situation doesnt help, but it definitely provides a quick and easy happiness in the comfort of ignorance.

because of this, reading something made to make one empathize with and confront these bad emotions is defeating the point of his cowering. if he faces his issues, even if only through the perspective of a story, he'd have to deal with acknowledging that things are bad and need fixing, and he'd feel terrible and guilty in the moment - which of course is the worst thing that could happen to a person (his thought, not mine).

which is why i find the concept of him being/becoming a tragedy himself at the same time as this headcanon soooo interesting. imagine the irony of him bashing on the protagonists of tragic stories for acting on emotion and impulse rather than logic, when he himself has fallen victim to irrational thinking while in grief.

cause... thats what people do when they grieve. they lash out, make bad decisions, ruin themselves, ruin others.

for a tragedy to be prevented, the protagonists would have to change fundamental parts of themselves, and act perfectly rational when under extreme stress. and chilchuck holds himself to these kinds of unrealistic standards because he unwittingly believes he can handle it all.

he cant, obviously. we see it for ourselves in his relationship with his wife. they were doomed from the beginning by chils already-established avoidance and lack of emotional vulnerabiltiy (and whatever else his wife had going on).

this is all just to say that if you told him about orpheus and eurydice, he'd probably be one of those idiots trying to point out the "plot hole" that he couldve "just not looked back" and "just trusted her"

i dont understand. whats the point in reading tragedies? the protagonist is stupid, anyways. why would you take bitter medicine? why subject yourself to that?

i think its just a bad story.

[paper-mario-wiki]

hey man, maybe this is a weird request, but would you be willing to make a music mashup for money? like as a commission? im not sure how it all works, but there are these two themes i think would fit absolutely perfectly together, but a brief youtube search later and i dont think anyone else has done it. you've made some pretty fun mashups before so i wanted to ask.

if you're interested at all, the two songs are Fallen Down from Undertale, and the Kakariko Village theme from A Link to the Past. no pressure to do this obviously, but if you're willing to discuss it feel free to send me a message!

Instrumental mashups, most of the time, don't really work out that well because when the chords clash it's WAY easier to tell to the untrained ear. When chords in vocals-and-instrumental mashups clash it can be a lot easier to hide because most vocals are only singing one note at a time. One C note by itself can sound natural in WAY more chords than a cMaj7th.

I cannot, in good conscious, charge you for something that I think would sound unavoidably bad.

What I CAN do, however, is make something that I think sounds unavoidably bad for free, because I know how annoying it is to hear a mashup in your brain and not be able to make it. Here's my attempt. Took me 20 minutes.

This one is a particularly awkward mashup because Kakariko village also sort of has a meandering tempo at some points but I fixed it up to the best of my ability. There are definitely some places where they match up nicer than others (the second half sounds much better than the first half), but for the majority of the runtime this is pretty unlistenable, sadly.

And if you'd still like to give me some money, despite the fact that this sounds objectively terrible, here are my paypal and cashapp tip links :^)

[sarcastictissy]

Hi, Tissy. I want to thank you for the positivity you bring to this community. It's something that is in short supply around here, and it's greatly appreciated. You have also been fair and objective, which is also appreciated. That is why I feel it is safe to send this message to you.

The past and present QSMP admins deserve support, but only to an extent. There have been instances of them displaying terrible behavior, and the QSMP community needs to stop ignoring/excusing it. The xenophobic remarks made by Lea and Lumi. Lea's baseless speculation on Twitter that Quackity's brother was working for the QSMP is what caused people to dox Quackity. Lea showing no remorse for leaking Quackity's information and causing his safety to be threatened. Some of the admins were very insensitive about the doxxing. Quackity's safety was actually threatened, and they were saying/agreeing with someone saying "womp womp" about the stream where he spoke about how he felt physically unsafe. And now we have the actions of Puella and other admins defending them.

The QSMP community's continued parasocial behavior toward the admins is just very frustrating for me to witness.

🥺🥺 I really, really appreciate your kind words!! Thank you so much, they mean a lot, genuinely. Hearing I help people stay positive, or even enjoy my posts, on qsmp makes my day, honestly. I'm so glad I get to cheer people up and help them. It inspires me to keep doing just that! :D

Onto what you said, I don't know who needs to read this, but you ARE allowed to respect someone/ support them AND be annoyed by their words or actions. You are allowed to like someone, and dislike some of their actions. You can support the admins, be annoyed by how they were treated by QStudios, and also be disappointed by what they have said or done.

Personally, I'm disappointed by Lea's xenophobia in her interview that was strictly about her experience with the studios. She used this as an opportunity (whether it was intentional or not) to say xenophobic remarks towards the Spanish speaking community. Nevermind, the fact she never apologised for, and, even tried to justify, doxxing Quackity. She said that her doxxing Quackity was no where near as bad as what she went through during her time working with QStudios. Doxxing is NEVER the answer. I'm severely disappointed by her ignorance and xenophobia. That does not take away from the fact that she did suffer. I respect she was under poor working conditions and I support her in getting treated correctly and paid fairly. Absolutely I do. But I cannot support and will not support how she treated Quackity or the Spanish speaking community.

You can draw your own conclusions and do your own research on the matter. I am not here to tell you what to think. Those are just my thoughts.

In terms of Pomme, I'm not aware of much she's done. I know her support to Otipep and I read somewhere that she did not translate her statement leaving Qsmp into Spanish, but did so for all Portuguese and English. To be perfectly honest, if she had only posted it in French, I would not have cared or been mad. We can translate it ourselves or use an accommodation to do so. She should not have to do that for us, but she did and proceeded to and leave out Spanish as part of the transition, and, again, i dont know if that was intentional or not. But she didnt make an attempt to fix it. (Korean speakers were not yet added at this point).

I want to say one last thing about the admins:

You cannot fight xenophobia with xenophobia. It's inexcusable and unjustifiable. Support the workers rights and conditions, but under no circumstances, does that allow for xenophobia to go unnoticed. You can do both.

[soul-eclectic]

✍️ and 🧠 for the ask game!

✍️: If you had total creative control over a production of cats, what would you change and why?

okay honestly nothing really comes to mind but id definetely fix broadway revival tugger. like. hes such an ass. when its munk & alonzo doing the terrible bore line it looks like he literally throws a punch ?? playful or not, it feels wildly mean spirited, and could honestly easily be misinterpreted character wise. i dont know much but i have a strong feeling The Rum Tum Tugger would NOT throw a punch, especially at someone in the tribe?? hes playful and likes to annoy, not hit:(

uuhh otherwise i want to bring back the variant of munkustraps wig where the fur faces downwards. its literally such a unique character moment dude !!!!!!!! munk is full of Thoughts and Stress. it would kind of be his equivalent of greying early lol

🧠: share a headcanon/theory that you like

oh i have so many. heres ones im less embarrassed about

hc 1. i like to think that macavity left on his own terms. i think what he mostly wanted was freedom, but his definition of freedom is so free that it includes crime and using cats as ladder rungs lol. i also think he was the protector? he absolutely hated how caged he felt as well as carrying the weight of being the eldest son of the patriarch, so he left (and in turn, this left a slightly too young munkustrap to fill in. but at least munk has a more optimistic view on his title!)

hc 2. i have this crack headcanon (not 100% sold on it) that bombalurina and skimble are half siblings or something. or skimble looks out for bomba at least. this only happened bc i saw these pics on their wiki galleries and thought it was the FUNNIEST ever bc they are literally polar opposites.

hc 3. i think that alonzo is like the SLEEPIEST cat ever. like i think ever since he made it to the junkyard hes been getting literally the best sleep of his life but hes so embarassed about it. he could easily sleep 10 hours unprovoked, and short half conscious cat naps do NOT exist to him because hes the deepest sleeper ever. shaking him doesnt work unless you try....really hard. he also probably snores and grumbles in his sleep but i dont think he moves a lot? like i think he kneads on someone (probably munk) to help him sleep and then he becomes dead weight. luckily, he wont wake if whoever it is hes snuggled up against moves

sorry im insane enjoy the giant yapfest

[elfdyke]

RED EMOJI OC ASKS i know its 20 hours after u reblogged it but shhhhhh dont worry about it

roe 💔🥩🧣 !!

20 hours dont matter hehe I ALWAYS WANA TALK ABT THIS BITCH💖

under the cut bc im the yapper (terminal)

💔 (broken heart) - Who has your character hurt most? Physically or emotionally? How did it feel? Do they regret it?

THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND TBH.... maria 😭 OH ROE.... maria is roe's rebound after her and pewter break up, she's by no means just an innocent victim but roe is not kind to her and uses her and absolutely takes advantage of maria's obvious infatuation for her 💔 i fear its not even intentional either, not entirely, roe's just trying to keep her head above water, she'd grown so used to consistent reliable love and intimacy with pewter that having that stripped away from her is really life shattering. its definitely her lowest point imo.

id say she mainly only hurt maria emotionally, im sure she was physically rough with her too (they were in a gang together) but its moreso using her and toying with her emotions, esp when pewter comes back into the picture, at first anyways. roe's desperation to try and make pewter jealous and hurt the way roe hurt 💔 SIGH

roe doesn't even really see what shes doing at the time i think, its only after the fact that she's forced to grapple with hkw unhealthy and cruel she had been. after roe ditches her maria goes on to lead the gang in roe's absense, and she is a lot more violent and volatile than roe ever was. so i was thinking roe and pewter end up having to track her down to put an end to this, and roe really has such a terrible time reckoning with what she did, i fear 💔 finding bodies of victims of maria and roe trying to act unbothered but stumbling outside to throw up bc shes so horrified by it all...! UNFORTUNATE! while i think she'd initially try and excuse her own behavior and act like marias overreacting, roe definitely has matured at this point and part of her growth in that regard is seeing what she did here was wrong and owning up to it, seeking forgiveness and trying to fix what she'd done.

🥩 (steak) - Does your oc have any coping mechanisms? Healthy or unhealthy?

UNHEALTHY OF COURSE 😍 sex is her #1 go to coping mechanism, even though pewter kind of ruins this for her after making her realize she was just using sex to try and emulate the intimacy and affection she really longed for ..💖 bc pewter can give her both sex and love.. JAWDROP! but yeah she has quite an unhealthy relationship around sex, smth i love love love exploring with her. and also she does dabble in drinking to excess, of course ^_^ it being fantast medieval ages and all. but its nowhere near like dangerous addiction levels, she can just severely overdo it sometimes

oh but she actually Does develop a healthy coping mechanism later on 💖 keeping a journal and self reflecting with that ^_^ its at pewters suggestion and roe finds it silly and annoying at first but she takes to it really well after struggling through getting used to it <3 her little journal collection that she lets pewter read through. AND ONLY her. even though shes still embarrassed about it

🧣(scarf) - What comforts your oc? Is it an item? An action? A person? Whatever it is, how any why does it comfort them?

s... s.... SEX AGAIN 😇 sorry ..! but mainly pewter tbh..... even if its not sex just being near her, pewter petting her, holding her, just being close to her is really so crazy comforting to roe. she likes laying across pewters lap while she reads and pets roes head 💖 running her fingers through her hair, rubbing her ears a little, brushing her knuckles across her cheek... WAH . roe's just a very physical person and so getting this kind of focused intimacy, where its clear how loved and trusted she is, does a lottttt for her. esp after the events in canon, roe really longs for pewters physicality

[vio-starzz]

Random friend appreciation moment!?

(lots of spelling errors and words ahead)

bcuz

im bored

First of all, to everyone seeing this…. wether youve been @ or not….

you matter. youre living, youre trying, and you deserve the world. life may be destroying you, you may be at a road where you dont even know what to do! but, you arent alone. i promise you, you’ll never be alone. maybe you wont fond as much comfort or love irl, but, you can get through this. life wont stay terrible forever unless you let it. unless you dont try to be better, and change. we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect, but that does NOT mean you are a failure. Hell, just being here means so fucking much. Life isnt a simple ride forward, it never is a straight, smooth ride, but, you can fight through the storms and bumps along the way. I believe you can do anything. Forget society standards or expectations, be YOU. Get through this on your own terms. Maybe the hate is weighing on you and its got to you strongly, but you leaving wont change or fix anything…Youve got this, keep fighting amd existing as your own unique self. Keep stealing things from fictional characters and living life how you wanna. Im proud of you, even of you think youve done nothing, even if people have said the opposite your whole life, im proud of you, and you fucking got this damnit. Forget what others think, you write your future, you choose what you want. Dont give up, youve got so much ahead of you.

—————

Ghost; You. God. ilysm. You mean a lot to me, and i cant even remember when i met you here for the first time. But god, i dont know where i’d be had you not shown up…. honestly, youve helped me so much. i love our stupid little moments, our random ass platonic marriage, the vc’s, the similarities in our music sometimes…like, i love you for how weird and stupid and silli you are /p /affec /pos, like. you mean so much, and we. should rlly have plans. okay. we like. you gotta introduce me to how the hell monster tastes like, just, like. we gotta hug one day. you mean so much to me, and ive never actually been in the same room as you. youve brightened up my day, youve made me feel better, and i cant imagine what id do without you <3 ( @justalilghosty )

Cal; Cal. One of my many online mothers. I. Ilysm. Okay, youre such a silly little gremlin and i love that. Genuinely. Youre so silly and fun and just overall someone i can feel i trust. You take absolutely stunning photos, and you help people so much. Youve helped me a lot, and you’re honestly just so kind. Kind and caring. Life has been am ass to you, yeah, but, I literally just wanna steal your cat, and hug you, and like. Besties. Youre art is so nomable, and i love how wacky and interesting your ideas get /affec /pos! Youre the momther Cal, and i love that! I love that youre here and i get to scream momther anytime i see you and how you just….make me feel good. You say things a lot that just, warms my heart. Ilysm, and that wont ever change. No matter how much random ass crimes be committed. ( @cal-the-duende )

Sherlock; Youre my bird mother. Like, the birb mother but also… Youre my meme giver. Do i know why you started sendomg me memes? fuck no, but, i love them sm. I AM a garlic breeder, and just, genuinely- youre kind and amazong and helpful. You give tips and are willing to talk about things. You have a cool ass cosplay of tp link, and we, gotta hug. like, you mean so much, and i love just hanging out woth you and screaming and just. being. friends. being able to communicate with one another, and sharing interests and just saying random stupid things. youre amazing. ( @link-or-sherlock )

Silver; Older sister my beloved…. Youre just physically a kind soul. Like, youre ao kind and caring and you really give older sis vibes. You help people ao much, and rb such random things and just. youre always fun to check up on, say hi too, and just, talk. like, its cery nice knowing you. ome of the first people i ever found in tumblr, and someone i truly wanna stay around. you write fun things, you give hugs when asked and just, seem sometimes like a shoulder to cry on. you like random things, have a very pettable doggo…. just, ive enjoyed being able to send asks, and how kind you are to my art and writing makes me so happy sometimes ( @silvercaptain24 )

Shinso; You. I dont send asks often, and i seem to always lose your blog, but youre so…kind. and loving, you send asks to me even if i dont to you as often. You rb my things and things i rb, youre just, overall fun. i love seeing you around, even if its not often youre so sweet and kind to me, and i truly hope the best for you <3 ( @callmeshinso )

Dragon; DRAGON!!!! I. Get so overwhelmed by how many ppl i follow, and seem to commonly lose your blog, but truly, ilysm. I love your silly little dragons you draw, just how stunning your art gets. how you drew me one of the eyeball kitties on a whiteboard as a doodle and i just- kfjahfhsbf. ilysm!!!! youve been so kind and generous and sweet and i just wanna give you a small little kitten plush named pinecone and just, hug you. youre so kind and i love seeing you around, i cant forget how loving and sweet you are, and just, ilysm. truly. ( @here4dragons )

Trippy; Heres the thing trippy. we met on the palls discord server, like, thats such a wild place to meet and at forst i was soooo confused and scared on how to interact with you, and i wanted to eat ur art so bad- but now? of we aint besties, youve wounded me hard /j. its so silly and stupid and silly stupid the random conversations we’ve had. and just, how cool your art is….and you simping. i find that really funny, like, woah gurl. bark quietly- /hj, but, like, yeah. we get so silly and random and i ended up drawing riake for u like. we be friendos. we should hig more often, and i swear, i’ve definitely/j flirted with you on the server ( @trippygalaxy )

Bailey; The one who screams rulie….. you cant take four from me though. anyways, youre very sweet and loving, we definitely should hug one day, but, also…. i admit. we have fun making fun of you. making fin of you and….being able to….mess with your typos. like, ily, but also, i am a bit of an asshole /affec, like. you slay gurly. you and your attacking guliver, the fandom comments on the server, the way i might just be eating ur art….i mean- im innocent. ( @baileyboo2016 )

Shy; beeesstiieeee!!!! i am incapable of forgetting you and yoir amazong skills and how silly atupid we are together sometimes /affec /pos, but, i can forget thaf we’re mutuals. like. you follow me back os so shattering to me sometimes, but ily. ly and the way i keep recognizong fandoms you talk about, and i jusy wanna eat ur art even of it doesnt happen that often like….idk. its just pretty edible to me. o should extra consume it while playin the silly miku game and screaming iver the game breaking on me, like, hwhfjsbf. but. we be hardcore besties and im. nomin on your ask box. i’ve accidentally fully imfested it with moss. so not sorry /j ( @shyrule )

Vio; Youre. Genuinely so sweet and caring amd kind amd helpful an…..- look, i havent known you all that long, true. but, its really nice to see you around. youre so cool and silly and weird /pos, but like. youre weirdness and strangeness is so cool most times. like, i was full on doin flappy hands to the point it kinda hurt, but also, you had made me so happy, and that…one time you called me kiddo like. i was screamin. that made me so unbelievably happy i was bouncing off the walls with excitement. i know ive done a few things that have made you uncomfortable a few times, but! i truly am sorry about them, and are gonna try my best to not make the same mistakes again! i never wish to be rude in any way, and i do sometimes slip up and make people uncomfortable, but i really will try to be better at that. /gen ( @plzleavebeealone )

Shade; Shade!!!!! Youre honestly so amazong and i wanna eat your writing…oh. and! silli friend. we truly can be chaotic spawns of the devil, and we also can be really random at times. go us— but! its so amazing being your friend and literally i LOVE the nickname buzzy sm. like. when i show you that emote of flappy hands, trust me i am DOIN IT. i may be incredibly awkward and random at times, but, i feel like we are awkward and random together /pos. like, i make fun of you for being bitchless. yea, but. hun. its cuz you are— /j i rlly do enjoy being your friend and the whole chaos we become, and the random gay stuff that happens…also you and teippy are the biggest simps ive ever met. like. werent you full on barking at a drawing of time? /lh ( @skyward-shade )

Mushroom; Do we talk a lot? Not rlly.. am o eating your art? yea. am i eating your blog….? >:3 that ones not up for debate, i just wanna gently devour it like a crazy being. Youre so silly tho, and i think we should totally like. hug and eat moss together and have moss and. and. we should just sit in a mushroom and moss forest and like. be the best mossy sibling ever. like, we slay that way— ( @mushr0oms-and-m0ss )

Void; ….Youre so silly and wverywhere and kind and i hust. okay, we have such random moments, and im still measing with the lcirews you sent me and just. werw friends like. really friends. im eating your designs, and your thoughts and brain….and hand. i just wanna give ya a lil nom. like. yes hugs you. but also. ilysm and its so fun talking and hugging and random atuff and ocs— just. thank u for exsisting, now, hugsyou, and, let me eat you. /pos ( @technologyvoid )

Levis; Aaaaa… Youre honestly so kind. and carong, amd lonely. like, if i wasnt so awkward i would hig and be your friend sm. but, i cant talk for that long becuase im no communication expert (rlly bad at comverse) but truly, you have been so kind and sweet to me. youve helped me understand things, youve showed up an been kind, youve been someone i can be friends with, youve given me facts about moss, checked up on my when im having a hard time or make a certain post- and honestly…i wish i could do the same to you, because with how kind you are you deserve so much. truly. ily. /p ( @howl-at--the-sun )

Link; friemd <3 anyways, youre amazing. kind. caring. random. ailly. fun. i enjoy being your friend, truly. its been great knowing you, and you are a very kind and wonderful person who i am hugging and we get to hug together. yeah? like, its so nice to enjoy time with you, wether that be sit in a vc and in the chat be talking about eating boulders, wether its you checking up on me during life and doing food/hydration/eep checks like, its nice to get those, because it does remind me. thank you. sm for being here and being a lil silly. ( @linksarehere )

Mewo; Frienmd!!!!! youre just honestly sich a silly artist and i love everything that you come up woth and create. its always fun and cheering to see you around, and honestly, you got me through a hard time. i was gonna quit art, truly. i was gonna throw it all away, delete any apps, get rid of paper and just, drop it all once again….but i didnt. i didnt because your art has been very inspiring. i honestly love your style! its always stunning and silly to see, and i, truly just. i wanna eat your art style. seriously i just. do. you have so many fun things about you amd youre just honestly so silly and i love that about you. /gen /p, i love that you draw weird stuff and that you just exist to share stuff so beautiful. i always love seeing your art, and i really do save it because it makes me happy and fun to see! ( @strawberry-catcake )

—

The whole entire palls: We’re just in general so fucking chaotic, but such a big fucking family I love it. I’m getting snatched by so many of yall, and just, running off to the actual palls and we r gonna hang out, and die, and cry, and just. make a whole ass snuggle pile because that seems really nice, and we should all just group hug and have a huge ass pillow fight, because we’re so. confusing, i love it. Like, yes, lets commit arson together, lets commit a buncha crimes— lets become the local mafia. just. i love you all. ( @pallweople )

….

i understand that this is not any and all of my friends, but i swear. truly, i mean this, when i say, i love you. i really do care about you. i truly live having moots and random interactions and sending my silly little asks into peoples inboxes…. like, i truly, love you all. thank you for being here, and somehow loving my creations— and me as a person.

if i ever make someone uncomfortable/annoyed/any thing negative or hard for you; i will. i truly will try to change and not do that again. im trying to be a nice perfect, and i know i fuck up sometimes, and make things uncomfortable other times…but. i do care, and i truly am trying my best.

i cant read your mind, but i best well can try to be a good friend/sibling/stranger— a good person.

[intertexts]

oh god i just realized I forgot to send you this. behold: the worst trivia ask out of all of them:

EPISODE 22 TRIVIA:

- they spend the first. 9 whole minutes talking about the logistics of snapping someones neck irl only to learn that its not actually possible and thats just something that was make up for movies

- "this is the most guy talk we've ever had at the beginning of a rolled. i feel like we need a trigger warning for boys"

- bizly wanted them seeing tide again to feel awkward and weird! like you're going back to your parents house after not seeing them for a really long time

- talking about how dakota has so many parental figures now and grizzly goes "except for ms. g. she has my whole heart" and WITHOUT missing a beat charlie goes "no. *i* have your whole heart"

- there was apparently a group of people on twitter who made a VERY long VERY well researched document about how all the medical stuff esp involving william would work and kept tagging bizly in posts asking how things would work and hes like "man i dont know!! i write a silly superhero show im not a doctor! it all comes down to his parents built a very strange machine that was designed to view worlds unseen!" (<< quoting the dp theme song in the most EXASPERATED voice possible.)

- "WILLIAM WISP SHOULD HAVE FUCKIN WORMS IN HIM. if we were playing this realistically william would be fuckin LOCKED UP with rigor mortis and COVERED in worms and FULL OF GASSES. he should be FOUL. and FULL OF WORMS. and I DONT WANT THAT" << hes a coward for this. btw. i feel like william should be grosser

- they just keep saying more things about how william should be so grotesque. at one point charlie goes "please dont draw this. its so gross". me, looks at my 4/7 jrwi freak week canvases that are william wisp themed. um. well.

- WARM BODIES MENTION. i love that movie. charlies like "thats how i want william to work hes undead but hes like. pretty about it"

- bizly: "because we've already explored this plot thread of William Being Dead so much, i dont want him getting a heart to just automatically fix that. its not like hes just magically alive now. i havent thought of the exact consequences yet but i want there to be some drawbacks to this to keep things interesting"

charlie: "william is just thrilled right now to be feeling stuff. i dont think hes considering the possible drawbacks"

- "ive never been prouder of any of my characters than when william wisp dented drywall"

- "why didnt vyncent get a fun surgery too" "because I'm a coward"

- they were on some absolutely insane energy for this rolled they keep going on like 5-10 minute long tangents and BARELY talk about the episode other than to mention how william should be a rotting corpse. I REMEMBER NOW that this was a SIGNIFICANT factor in my being frustrated with the heart surgery thing LMAO

- THATS IT. THATS LITERALLY IT. THE ROLLED IS OVER NOW. THIS WAS NOTHING !!!!!

TERRIBLE rolled youre right!!!!! help!!! this is so funny. great rolled guys lets wrap it up. william should be wormy and u cant snap peoples necks. good job everybody. it is really funny to me that people were... expecting medical accuracy?? how do u really seriously research putting one guys heart and another guys blood inside a body that's been dead for several years. frankly i would love to see it i'm very curious.

LOWKEY I'M GLAD HE *ISN'T* A BLOATED LOCKED UP DECAYING CORPSE!!!!! PERSONALLY!!!! i fully respect ur rights and taste to think he should be rotting and worm filled and stinky but frankly i'm on charlies side w this one. hes undead and pretty about it <33

anyway. i still have many thoughts about wiwi's soul/body/wisp relationship that i will NOT start talking about now because it would get LONG. but. its always great hearing their thoughts on it. eyes emoji. but yeah i really don't want him to be just magically fixed and alive now.... we'll see!! we'll see how it goes!!!!

[doomed-era]

hm. thoughts on mipha? maybe how she thought about the calamity + how she’d think of the other champions (if. you havent answered this already!)

ohoho well :) if you insist

haha as far as the calamity goes she has got. the Dread and she has got it bad. even though some of the other champions' outlook on defeating calamity ganon is optimistic (even gaffen thinks everything is going to be fine), mipha is really...not super confident in the whole thing. she keeps this to herself most of the time, and really thinks she's overthinking it most of the time, but she still has a looming sense of dread about the whole thing. she talks with vah ruta about it occasionally. daruk has told her that the best thing to do about it is to make plans for the future, so she has done a bit of that! they've talked about meeting up on death mountain once everything is over. she tries to keep herself busy with projects. she really likes weaving and crafting in general god I just imagined her weaving a little turtle somewhere on the zora armor throws up. her favorite animal is turtles.

she's afraid of dying and afraid of living and afraid of giving up but can't see herself winning. you know. the general looming horror of existence. embracing your death because you're lonely and the walls you've built around yourself are too terrible to bring down. idk.

she is terrified by the prospect of having to potentially lose her life fighting the calamity, well. she's always lived for other people and doesn't really take her own health or safety in mind much. really funny because she'll absolutely get on other people's cases for doing the same thing she does. if gaffen and her were closer they'd constantly piss each other off bc of this and i think its hilarious

ultimately the only thing that really stays in her mind as a reason to look forward to things is living for people she thinks can be genuine. she loves her little brother because she thinks he can show his feelings where she just. can't. because that would mean not being a fuckin doormat and she thinks she's morally obligated to be one for her people's sake lmao. this is part of the reason shes so obsessed with gaffen because she thought he was a genuine person when he was little and now he's not so she's like. maybe we could learn how to be real people together. or maybe just with ourselves. its more of a subconscious thing she doesnt actively think this but shes such an i can fix him girl. stop

sorry for going on a tangent about mipha I dont even generally like quiet passive characters whose canon personality boils down to love interest I just decided she was a people pleaser and everyone around turned her into a saint when she wasnt and she was never truly known um throws myself into a pit of flames. heaven forbid i read too much into implications. i love women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now where was I. oh yeah the champions.

i've already partially explained her relationship with revali long story short she doesn't like him. example of a guy who needs to shut up Immediately. which isnt to say she wouldnt like to get along with him he seems like a person who has good qualities she just wishes he would shut up, so she gets passive aggressive around him

daruk!! ok they actually do really like each other because how could you not like daruk cmon. he's seen through her polite facade a few times and seen how scared she is so he's tried to help her out a bit and she appreciates it a lot :] (yea I know gaffen and mipha both like him its that magnetic extrovert guy charm and I really like introvert-extrovert dynamics)

daruk and urbosa are actually good friends lmao so daruk has passed some of what he knows onto her. so yea mipha also likes her. appreciates her advice quite a bit they train together sometimes!! shes really interested in gerudo jewelry as well she has a few pieces urbosa has given her as a gift and she's given urbosa some zora pieces

so yeah

[greatbigbellies]

Do you have a favorite Poorks OC?

(If you're in the preg kink circle and somehow don't know of @poorks go check them out and view their character post or this wall of text is going to be very confusing...) It is super hard to like... nail down just one of Poorks' character as like an absolute favorite... There's a degree to which I like every single one of them, but I do have some that I'd rank particularly S tier for being really appealing.

Lorenzo has been one of my favorites dating back to when I first started this blog and thus first started following Poorks. He's quite popular already so I don't feel like it's much of a surprise that he's here but he's a great mix of "my type" when it comes to guys, and being typically written as someone who really enjoys being pregnant, which I find fun. He's also usually in a university/college setting, and as much as I know that setting can be overdone sometimes, I still like it. The tension of your due date being on finals week will always be classic Situation™. He also routinely gets huge so like... pop off king.

Saki is great, every time she pops up I'm happy to see her. Always ripping her dresses with her size and generally being gorgeous. She's just the kind of woman I'd want to step on me and honestly sometimes that's all you need.

Suyin, on the other hand, is another favorite that has more to her. She fucking sucks and I love her for it. I say with all the fondness in the world that I think if we got intimate, I'd come away from it with some kind of disease... and I'd happily get it treated and knock on her door for round two. She's a great example of "so many red flags that you just kind of HAVE to go for it anyway". Like, there's no fixing her, and you probably can't make her "worse" because she's already bottom of the barrel /fond. She's just kinda stinky and terrible and would probably dox me for laughs and like... in a fantasy way, that's pretty hot. Also just... good atypical trans lady rep, thank god.

Sem is a newer boy and I'm glad he's getting what feels like a lot of art. He's always BIG, and is always dressed in the best revealing outfits. Fishnets on a pregnant person is so underutilized. He's also got a kissable face. I dunno. He just looks like the kinda guy I should be gentle with? I'm unsure of how else to describe the vibes.

Polly is Polly. They're the pregnancy fetish clown. Their uterus is described as a clown car in function. Like... they're the kind of character you can't really sell to someone, they either already like them or they don't. I'm in the "like them" camp. They're huge but also clearly flexible and if they were ever animated, I'd just imagine they'd be very "bouncy" (and I dont even mean that in a strictly 'boob-centric' definition). Sometimes it comes down to good character design and this is one of those times.

I could gush about all of them in one way or another but like, this is already pretty long. Honorable mentions go to Takeshi, Yvette, Aurora, and Manju, who I am especially excited to see more content of since she's so new!

[daenysx]

hi lovely

So feel free to ignore this if you do not have the mental capacity for it, i just really need to vent but I will understand if you don’t have it in you rn to listen to someone else’s problems.

long story short, i am scared ALL the time, not in a oop im scared of the dark ( i am) way, but more of i am terrified of the endless possibilities of danger, which isnt sensible cause yes there is always possibility for danger but it isnt always just LOOMING you know?

But my mind thinks otherwise and i already have anxiety so a reallu NICE combo yk

I just feel so terrified its actually interfering with my life, everything i do is accompanied by endless thoughts my mind does not take a break im so exhausted, genuinely my thoughts are always racing and im always getting thoughts like okay if i dont leave this light on then something terrible will happen or if i dont idk tidy up the couch then something terrible will happen and like? How am I supposed to live like that? Im so so drained i feel plagued by fear and i do not know what to do , ignorance could really REALLY be a blessing but sadly im someone who’s just too aware , of everything that could go wrong, of everything happening in the world, of every mistake i made and i just wanna crawl in a corner and cry my eyes dry

I think im done

If you made it this far, again im so so sorry if this is too heavy i do not wish to burden you but you make my days better and my mind goes quiet when im on here, i hope you have a spectacular day my love <3333

hi my love!! there's absolutely nothing wrong with sharing what's in your mind with me, please feel free to reach whenever you want. i know these experiences are different for each person and maybe i'm not qualified to offer you solutions but i can always listen

i definitely understand what you mean, maybe you know this because i sometimes share a few things about myself here, most of the time i live alone at another city i study in and i'm away from everyone in my family. i only have friends there but they mostly stay in dormitory so we don't live in close distance. living alone definitely doesn't help with these kind of fears because there's no one else to reach out when something urgent happens, so there's always this part of my brain that keeps telling me to take care of everything and prevent any danger

now i know what i'm talking about is a bit different than your situation but this is my experience with the obligation of being aware of everything i do. and of course it's hard to keep things quiet sometimes, so i understand what it feels like to not being able to shut your brain up sometimes.

at first it was hard for me to trust in what i do, or you know just counting on the ways the world works. but days passed and i saw i can actually take care of myself. and being in control felt good. it's my choice to study there and i can actually do it. this made everything better. i believe every situation is different for every person, this why i also believe your solution can come to you in time. i think it's normal for these things to take lots of time for you to get better and learn how to let go of your fears. maybe it can be a good idea to ask for help from a therapist. i know it's hard to ask for help and i definitely struggle with that but sometimes you don't have to fix everything by yourself and it's okay to reach out.

i know i wrote too much but this was my experience and maybe reading this can help you with yours. please don't hesitate to text me whenever you want, i've been told i'm a good listener<33333

[smoosnoom]

Hello!! I’ve been a fan of your fics for a while and I was wondering what your writing process is like? I haven’t written a fic in ages and I honestly miss it, so I was wondering how you tend to get started or find inspo :^)

u are so kind hello thank u so much i am glad u enjoy the things i write !!!! it means the world :D !!!

hmmm . i actually havent been writing any fics as of late but thtas mostly been for how stressed and busy i have been . but !!! i can tell u that my process is very much . a lack of one . i write oddly and strangely and i am a mess about it . i usually write a few lines in a scene and jump around from one part to another, wherever i feel my mind leaning towards i tend to go there and feed it ! its not very much a process as it is an . experience .

however, if im very much intentionally trying to get started on a fic i usually just . open up a doc and write the first sentence that pops up in my head . it doesnt matter if it is the most mundane and uninteresting thing, because the first draft is very rarely perfect . the main goal is to have something written down, because if u keep going, then that one mundane sentence builds up to create a showstopping paragraph and thats where u get the most motivation and satisfaction !!! so id say if ur very caught up with urself and thinking that nothing ur writing is good enough and u keep backspacing and have urself stuck in the same spot, then just . keep writing . keep going forward even if its grueling and absolutely terrible . after u have dug urself a tunnel out of that hole, u can go back and make it a proper staircase . u just need to get to where u want to be, and once u are satisfied or content, u can go back and fix what u want

if u find urself unable to do that, then i say seek out other media that really entices or evokes emotion in u . nothing (in my opinion) is as inspiring as a good piece of fiction or art or music or dance ! listen to music u wouldnt usually listen to or check out a friends movie recommendation, just try to push yourself out of the usual things you watch or read or listen to on repeat . taking the time to listen to something new and finding one good song that sticks with me for three weeks is the kind of stuff that has me writing 4 fics in one month !!!

anyway . i hope some of this was helpful or useful at all, if none of it was or if i just . didnt do a very good job of answering ur question, then let me know :) and the most important part of the writing process is just that, to write !!! write whatever it is, and if ur stuck in a block or arent proud of anything ur writing, then write the first thing in ur brain ! if u dont like that either, then thats fine !! just keep going until u find a rhythm . and if u dont, try again and again and again ! i am a firm believer in that trying makes all the difference . is that too cliche idk ! but i think its true

so . anywho . please let me know if any of this is actually useful to u :) id love to know how it goes, and please feel free to drop by with an update or anything !! thank u for the ask !!!!

[fanaticartisan]

Here are some lil thoughts I've had about the shapes! (If you don't mind reading, of course!)

•Ok so you know how PH is in DBD? Imagine Keeper, still in Silent Hill (he lives there now cuz I love that idea of yours, ok? 😭) missing him badly for weeks on end and wondering where he went until the Entity finally takes him too and the pair reunite in the Entity's realm. It's a very sweet reunion. The pair missed each other so much that they're very reluctant to part for trials!

•The two adopting poor Alessa Gillespie would be interesting. Or instead, they look after a certain mastermind shiba inu that wears a headset. (Yep! It's Mira.)

•A silly one but... Imagine the two trying to slow dance to a song on a radio that Keeper fixed.

•There's a song that reminds me of the two: Candle On The Water by Miracle Musical https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sYbQ5JKgnq8&pp=ygUrY2FuZGxlIG9uIHRoZSB3YXRlciBtaXJhY2xlIG11c2ljYWwgbHlyaWNzIA%3D%3D

(I love these two so much! It's such a unique ship. Thank you for getting me into it. I'm very picky about what I ship. )

What fun ideas!!! I'll share my thoughts on them if you like! 1. Man that would be TORTURE for Keeper. he's so terribly deeply attached to PH now, he'd absolutely have a mental breakdown with him being gone for that long...it would definitely be an immense relief to reunite in the fog! I dont think he'd be very pleased to do trials at all, in my HC he does not want to serve a master any longer. 2. They would be interesting adopted parents for sure! They'd have to learn a lot about what human children need to survive, haha, as neither of them is exactly a normal creature-! Something they could research I suppose! 3. I'm enjoying imagining that very much, thank you <3 let them dance

4. Aaah candle on the water! The original song is from the old disney movie Peete's Dragon - I def see how it's appropriate for them here! If you want, I can share my spotify shapes playlist with you https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7B09VzEFa4JidK1IfHk3WO?si=e12e112e61a64ecb I am honored that you like them! I am also a very picky shipper, ESPECIALLY with characters I really like, so I totally understand how you feel! Thank you for taking the time to be interested in these special boys <3 How did you stumble upon my fic, may I ask?

[rianafying]

i’m starving and i’m hungover and i’m in trouble. my sd card got corrupted and i might lose all the work i’ve done in january, which is a LOT of work. i just need to talk to my friends. the timing is bad because they’re either at work or asleep rn. i’m about to throw up.

it’s fine i reached them, after they woke up. spoke to friends, i feel better emotionally. but worse physically because it’s been so long since i’ve had some food. any food. there’s so much shit i need to buy but no money to buy them. i’m scared that one of these days i’ll have to resort to ebegging. i don’t want to do that. because im not even doing that bad but i feel terrible. and im prone to heavily catastrophizing every situation im faced with. somehow i have linked this sd card failure to the downfall of my career that i have worked so hard to build. if you dont have catastrophizing anxiety, you dont know what it feels like to imagine every single worst possible outcome and believe it to be true. but somehow throughout my life, it has been. what i feared kept coming true. but fearing it and being paralysed by it, didn’t help my case. apparently it’s in my brain chemistry to do this and also to have chronic pain. apparently there’s something wrong in my hypothalamus, pituitary gland, amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. they’re are all fucked up and feel wayyy more pain than is ever necessitated. i feel like im spiralling out of control at a faster rate than i can reel it back in. for most of my life ive been getting wounded more than i could heal. and now im limping my way through life, and hating almost every second of it despite trying so hard not to.

i had a full breakdown today, worse than other breakdowns. i feel super defeated. people are being nice to me. somehow that is making me feel even worse. things keep going wrong. there is no escaping tragedy.

day 3 of this same journal entry. i’m officially out of money. even my coins. i have a little bit of usd in my absolute emergency fund, but i really don’t want to have to touch that. i have a week to go before i get paid a bit of money. which will still not be enough because i had to use afterpay to buy some necessary stuff at kmart, and now i have to pay it back. things rlly are tough out here. thinking i should not fix my laptop and instead spend that money like normal. like use it to get by nicely for a while. then what? at what point will i be able to get a real regular job? i found out for sure this month that i can’t make it to work on 25% of days due to my illness. so what work could i do. rlly upset about losing the images on my sd card. i haven’t permanently lost them yet, but, it’s far too expensive to recover. i was considering recovering the data when im in bangladesh but i dont think id trust the data recovery service in dhaka anyway. they’ll probably fail at the task and also ruin my card. things are so wrong rn. my microwave, my pan, my passport, my myki, my financial situation, the burnt skin on my face, my psoriasis and arthritis, my hair situation, my multiple severe nutritional deficiencies and chronic pain, my various mental illnesses, my awful dirty room, my inability to work on any, let alone every, one of these problems. i just get paralysed and bed rot for days. this is officially too much for me. it’s too many things to deal with. i’m not built for even half of this. how can i give up without like kms, like what’s another way to give up? because bed rotting isn’t cutting it. i could really use some help. when i asked for help, my uncle said to visit my friend in sydney, or to visit bangladesh, neither of which is going to actually help my situation, because ill be miserable regardless of where i am, until my problems have been resolved. and both of these things are expensive as fuck, like, what’s a girl supposed to do. i don’t wanna go on a $200 trip to sydney when my sd card requires a $400 data recovery. that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is my situation.

no amount of talking to people, or going on trips is going to solve my problems. which is painful for me to say because i’ve been dying to do something fun for once. not that i don’t have fun in melbourne i do, but that’s cause i try to enjoy work, and romanticise the life i already have. and because im not yet a local local, i can still experience melbourne like a tourist. with fresh eyes. anyway, yeah, im deleting bumble because its stupid, let’s be real im never gonna go on a date w a strangers plus i dont even respond to people because im obviously not ready to actually give this a chance. not yet at least. costar says i let my need for stability stunt relationship growth. but i’m okay with that, or at least i would be if i had any stability. right now i feel like i have the short end of every stick. no it feels like i have no stick at all. the universe or god or whatever is out there is giving me a huge middle finger and laughing at my suffering.

they say that i’m overthinking or that even if there is a problem there’s a solution. what’s the solution to not having enough money to solve my problems? by the time i might have money, these problems will have caused critical damage. what’s the solution to the weight i carry around from never feeling safe or loved my whole entire life. what’s the solution to the mother shaped void in my heart. what’s the solution to the fear of losing my sibling and friends. i cope, and i deal, but it never really goes away. even now as i’ve hit my weekly rock bottom, i’m trying to list things to be grateful for, to see the glass as half full. but i can’t lie, the glass is not half full. i’ve been running on a nearly empty tank for as long as i can remember. even if i somehow manage to get my tank full, there’s like holes in it that can never be permanently patched. i destroy everything i touch, i let down everyone i know, and i keep getting chances. i don’t need another chance. i need a break. i don’t want to prove myself, unless it is to prove that i fail.

i’m told that the broader focus of my life during this time is to clear away built-up structures that have been holding me back. excess is not always abundance. i’m supposed to decide what's worth keeping and what to pass up. apparently my sense of well-being relies on my willingness to seize new opportunities, which is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. “use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.” this could not be more on the nose. fine i’ll pack some stuff up and head drop it in a donation bin. it will clear up some space in my room too. this might be good. give me some literal and also mental space to work with. also on the nose is “make sure you're not doing that thing where you over-intellectualize your experience, and then convince yourself that you know all the laws of the universe.” okay i get it. thank you for spelling it out for me. maybe now i will finally listen. i’m certainly being spied on. most of life is out of my control but i choose joy.

i couldn’t attend the invasion day protest today because i was on the phone talking a loved one out of killing herself. i shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s not like i had a choice in that scenario. i’m told that in most scenarios, there is no such thing as “fault”. if my goal was to shift blame, i could use all the words in the world to make myself innocent, but that’s not what i want, that’s not what i’m familiar with.

i think that maybe i would like to have a fresh start. i dont know what a fresh start would even look like. to go back in time a couple of years? how many years? at what point was it fresh? go back to when i was born? be born to different people? be a different person? a fresh start to me would be one in which so much is different from how my life is right now, that i don’t know how it would even be mine. this is who i am, all the terrible things that make up, well, me. and a fresh start wouldn’t be me, or it wouldn’t be fresh. i’m stale and im crusty, to the core of my being.

maybe i just need to go on a walk.

[hongtiddiez]

Current Tag game

@aikinn tagged me in this AGES ago and i totally forgot

Current Time: 10:21pm (GMT-7)

Current activity: slowly getting some work emails done, obsessing over and planning 'one more time' (my gumpayok timeloop fic)

Currently thinking about: what other piercings i could get bc i want more

Current favourite song: i've been listening to a lot of fluke gawin songs lately (this live show with his beautiful haunting intro makes my heart do flippies) but the big one i've been listening to on repeat is Blink-182 "One More Time" for uhh, probably obvious fic-related reasons (pls dont forget i'm old and grew up with blink-182, this song punches me right in the gut)

Currently reading: i'm currently rereading "Reforged" by Seth Haddon and adding annotations and then i'll be reading the sequel "Reborn" - Seth is an absolute sweetheart and encouraged me to begin writing my own novel and i cannot recommend his books enough, especially for big medieval fantasy BL enjoyers.

Currently watching: Together With Me, it's terrible but i really need a maxtul fix

Recently Watched: Triage and we all saw how that fucked me up emotionally (positive)

Current WIP: "One More Time" My GumpaYok time loop fic where Yok passes away shortly after the protest at the end of the show. His absence is felt like a gaping hole in the group and Gumpa blames himself for putting him in that position - if he'd never known Gumpa, never been influenced by him, he'd still be alive and safe. The boys drift apart; Sean and White move out of the garage, Gram distances himself entirely from everyone, Black disappears entirely (and only maintains minimal contact with White,) and Gumpa isolates himself in the garage that now feels like a mausoleum to his waking shambling corpse of the man he used to be. If only things could have been different.

Tags: i'm the worst tagger bc i never know who has already done this so uuhh whoever wants to I'M SORRY IT'S SUCH A COP OUT