#i feel like doing a mental reset of sorts would help but i keep putting that off because there's so much i feel the need to do

[howlonomy]

in all the 'trauma siblings' stuff with Clover & Kanako, I keep coming back to thinking about how Flowey engages with this

Like, here's someone who went through an at least similar ordeal of getting a human soul mixed into a monster body, leading to a lethal, traumatic injury, into a rebirth into a new body whose physical and emotional state are all way the fuck out of wack

Except Flowey was shaped a lot by having to go through the traumatic aftermath alone, and lives in the weird space of having experienced unknown years of resets but also is still mentally kind of a child

So I have to think that Flowey sees these kids and that little Asriel part of him is screaming "don't let them wind up like us", but being Flowey he also has no idea how to really comfort anyone.

Leading to sweet moments like Clover collapsing somewhere and before anyone else in their family can even pick up on something being wrong, there's already vines springing up to catch them, because of course Flower would know how to spot weakness in people after years of doing that, but now there's a productive positive use for that instinct and it's nice

But also moments like "Gee how do I cheer up Kanako about that appointment with Alphys... I know! We'll torment her! What a wonderful idea!" Because hey, a little bit of sadism always cheered him up when he was suffering

And he'd probably settle toward a crass & hyperbolic style of comforting people with hit-or-miss moments, like a sort of "Wow clover you ate SHIT just now", trying to get them laughing at the misfortune instead of crying, but obviously sometimes It's Not The Time For That or he reverts a bit back to thinking something really fucked up like "Man, that person was really rude just now, we should kill them and everyone they love" and the kids look back at Flowey like "dude what the fuck"

And everybody's different ways of processing trauma are constantly both helping and clashing with each other as these kids help each other figure this shit out because as much as the adults want to help nobody but these 3 can really come close to understanding how it feels

this has been a big ramble for an ask and not really an ask but I wanted you to have this

THIS IS SOOOO GOOD BECAUSE YOURE 100% RIGHT

flowey struggles with knowing the concept of empathy and compassion but not really. KNOWING it. i imagine he can at least remember how it feels being asriel and during the final boss but. its easy to know what it is and harder to put it into practice when you dont actually feel it

i think youre right in that he would try his best to help but not really know HOW. like it takes him a bit to realize that oh, i can see the weaknesses in people, whatdo i do with this information now that i cant use it to exploit them? what can i do to help instead of harm? what is objectively the GOOD thing to do with this information?

hes still an asshole and a bitch but he cares. hes learning to anyways. even if he missteps a lot the people around him are forgiving and willing to help him on the right path and correct him. i love…. flowey :[

[unknown-drug]

A GUIDE TO SURVIVE

All the things I wish someone would I told me before descending in this Hellhole.

🦋 ️ If you were thinking about diving into the EDs World for the first time, go back and think again (this is not worth it, I swear to every God in this universe. Just run as far as you can from it) But if sadly you are, you have to be completely educated.. Do some research about everything it consists of. Literally get as much information as you can (pros and cons, nutrition, exercises, side effects, long/short terms, overuses of anything, etc). There is so much more than diet and food involved, so just don’t be stupid about it.

🦋 ️EDs DON’T HAVE NUMBERS. Someone who is 200+ pounds is as valid as someone who is 100 and under. Stop bullying people because they are heavier or lighter than you are. Society fucks us enough so no need to add more hate. We are all in the same shit anyways… No one has the same body as you. Your number compared to others might not look the same. So yes, your thinspo is all cute but you have to consider all the criterias. Genetics, overall stats, gender.. Weight is just a number among many other things.

🦋 Weighing yourself every single day is NOT the most effective or accurate way to see/track results. The scale can shift up to 5 lbs a day (minus or plus, I know this is insane). Some specialists recommend doing it 1-3 times a week, always on the same day, so that you can see a more accurate graph of the fluctuation. (Keep in mind that you have to account for any hormonal changes/cycles when it comes to your result, I suggest comparing each week of your cycle with one another.)

🦋 You should consider using other methods to track your progress other than weighing yourself like a tape measurement can be really effective for body dysmorphia and if you have access to a gym ask them to check your body fat percentage. You would be surprised to see just how much it can help. Because at some point, the balance between muscle and fat is so small that physical change won’t be as noticeable. But seeing actual results from other means can really boost your mental state.

🦋 Those who will notice “the problem" won't be the ones you want. And those who are really there for you are not always the one you thought would be.. But do not throw away the help if you need it.

🦋 Do not beat yourself too hard if you slip up. It might get you to binge 10x harder, too. Nobody is perfect. We all binge once in a while. The weight did not appear out of thin air. It is a work in progress..

🦋🦋🦋

I know there is this big debate about the famous “body reset” metabolism day. Some say it helps others would disagree. It's the same thing when I come to fasts and detox/cleanse. At this point, you can follow whoever you wish. All of these help to some degree but aren't necessarily what your body needs. You need to have a good understanding of your system before committing to anything. To each their own.. All studies point to a “sort of reset” but there is not a universal way of doing it. So yes, here are your most common options, but this would depend on too many specifics to have a straight answer. There is no on/off switch when it comes to your body, yes it can feel like it “slowed down” but it is just because your body takes more time to use whatever it has to formulate energy. It takes your organism unequal time to synthesize different food - fat compared to carbs or even muscular tissues. This is why it is not just about the starvation aspect of your ED. It is also important to look at what you're feeding yourself with. Not all diets work the same and provide the same amount of energy. Choose your own path, but just be aware of all the knowledge you can put your hands on.

🦋🦋🦋

✨️✨️✨️ There is no magical pill, no tea bullshit and no fucking food miracle to lose weight. Yes there are some meds that can help (laxative, diuretic and appetite suppressant) but it is mostly out of side effect. Ultimately, your body will get used to them so they will feel like they aren't working anymore and you will feel the need to take more. Do not take more than the recommended amount. Be extremely careful if you are using them and please if you see anything out of the ordinary talk to professionals. Medications without the proper follow up can be horribly harmful in the long run. ✨️✨️✨️

🦋 TAKE YOUR FUCKING VITAMINS. I can't stress that enough but you need them just to make sure your body won’t rupture. It can prevent so many side effects to EDs and even trips to the hospital. Look for multivitamin, biotine, B-complex, folic acid (ladies), iron, potassium and magnesium… See to have some blood work done every year just to see where/or if you are lacking anything crucial.

🦋 DRINK YOUR GODDAMN WATER , BITCH. Your body will give up faster if you don't drink enough water compared to food. If you are fasting or anything, this shit is MANDATORY. And no, coffee, coke zero and teas should not count in your water intakes (sorry). It is so important for weight loss, plateaus and in general. The general rule is about 2L a day but you will need more depending on your lifestyle. There is many any calculators online or you can just go with the basic **1500mL - 20(weight in kg-20)= x**. It is the average amount in mL you should aim for.

🦋 Doing the same exercises over and over again will not help you lose weight. In fact, it is quite the contrary. You will have to switch it up, do cardio (even if it sucks), and try weight lifting (nooo it is not gonna make you look bulky.. Lean muscle burns more calories even though it weighs more.), find a sport that you like, yoga and pilates count, and even dancing is a good way to lose weight. You don’t have to spend endless hours in the gym (if you want to, go for it), 4 exercises is a good workout, and 30 mins a day every day is the bare minimum. Walking is quite underestimated but is actually pretty effective. Have fun with it cause it will be easier to stick to it and not dread it.

🦋 Sleep is MANDATORY. Don't think that staying awake all night doing exercises is helping you. In fact, your metabolism will go down 10 to 20 % if you sleep less than 6 hours a night. Get the rest you need.

🦋Food is not the enemy. When it becomes your aly it’s going to be a blessing. At the end of the day, you need the nutrients, So stop working against it and make it a tool for you to reach all your goals. It can get you the body that you want without too much work tbh.

🦋 ️ You guys have to stop with the famous “breakfast is the most important meal of the day”. If you were to look deeper into things you would know that the word originates from “breaking a fast” because it is the first meal after a long period of fast (when you sleep) depending on how long and everything but technically it still applies. So yes, it does help to kick start your metabolism, but there are many other ways to do so. Do what works for your lifestyle. Intuitive eating can really help with the disorder.

🦋Not all diets are going to work for you. Don't get discouraged. Try a few and see what works. Keep in mind to incorporate a little bit of every food group (if possible) to make sure you won't lack any crucial nutrients. Again, do your research.

🦋When reaching your GW or UGW, you may still feel unhappy. Yes, it feels like if you were skinnier, the world would turn around and become a wonderful place to be, but it’s not necessarily the case. It is not a magical way to solve all your problems, so be aware of possible disappointments.

🦋Keep yourself accountable. Stop blaming others or your life for things you have done. At the end of the day, you are the one doing everything. Excuses are not gonna help you achieve anything.

🦋The saddest part about this is that the sense of control is only temporary... If you have any other mental illnesses, it can mess you up so bad.. Mixing everything can be a lot at times, and I know how overwhelming it is to do all that by yourself. But, one way or another, you will have to go up against your demon and fight them or die trying.. Literally.

🦋This is not all rainbows and unicorn illnesses. It is hard to live through and even harder to witness it on someone else. You will cry, you will scream, and you will feel depressed and hopeless at times. Try to get someone you can talk to or vent to. This is why the online community is a huge part of EDs. Don't keep it all inside. It will break you.

🦋If you ever relapse after more than a year of recovery, you have to keep in mind that your body has changed. Especially if it went through puberty or if it is somewhere in your adulthood. If you plan on using the same old tricks you did as a teenager, I am sorry to announce to you that it might not work. Your relapse is like a whole new ED. You have to relearn everything about your body. It has adjusted to your harsh treatment and will definitely not cooperate the way it did before.

🦋If you are not ready mentally for recovery, it will NEVER happen. It cannot be forced. Recovery is the hardest part of the illness, but it is doable. And it takes time. It is not something that can be done overnight. Be patient, and at the end of the day, love yourself. But keep in mind that even fully recovered, the numbers won't magically stop in your mind. It will stay there as an afterthought. Some can live with it, and some can’t. If you need help, go get some.

🦋Calorie Counting🦋

So this is the most controversial topic of all but fuck it. This is my blog anyway I do what I want. Do with this information as you please. I am no doctor, just a bitch with a pharmacy and nutrition background.

🦋If you are to calculate calories, there are two crucial details you have to account for; your BMR (basal metabolic rate) and macronutriments.

🦋For macros, learn what they are and how to use them. It’s not just a question of fat, carbs, and protein. Look into understanding food labels and portion size and the percentages it represents in your daily food.. Especially when it comes to dry and wet food (ex: food labels on pasta and rice are for quantity when it is dry). It can really make a difference at the end of the day to have a good ratio of each group.

Most diets given by your trainers or dieticians are based on your BMR. Depending on how they calculated it, your exercise is already accounted for. So, in that case, you can not add your “active calories burned” from your smartwatch or whatever in your own calculations, thinking you can eat more or lose more. If you do so it’s going to nullify your progress for the day.

First, calculate your BMR (and no I’m not going to get involved in the gender debate, so use what you want).

Men= 66 + (6.23 x weight lbs) + (12.7 x height inch) - (6.8 x age in years)

Women= 655 + (4.35 x weight lbs) + (4.7 x height inch) - (4.7 x age in years)

Then multiplyz it by your activity level, and you will get your calories to maintain your actual weight. (1.2 = nothing, 1.375 = lightly, 1.55 = moderate). **I recommend just sticking with the lowest activity level possible since you want to know the minimum deficit of calories you can consume. So either do the 1.2 or not.

Now look into your goal. How much weight do you want to lose and by when ? The rough estimate is that 1 lbs = 3500 cals.

Let’s say you want to lose 10 lbs in 6 weeks. You will need to burn about 35,000 cal total in 6 weeks = 5,834 cal / week = 834 cal / day. (This is your deficit). Take your BMR again and subtract the last number to see how much your allowance is (ex: a BMR of 1800 means that your diet would be 1800 - 834 = 966 cal a day) It’s only a rough estimate. Because your BMR changes from day to day depending on the amount of stuff you do. If your deficit ends up negative, you need to revise your goal because on paper, it is unachievable and highly dangerous.

✨️✨️ Like I said , everything is just an estimate. Water weight and hormonal cycle are not included in this little math. ✨️✨️

🦋Purging🦋

You have to understand a few things before even thinking about doing it

🦋The biggest thing about purging is the long-lasting consequences. The acid in your stomach is extremely harmful. Think about it. It literally dissolves organic stuff to virtually nothing. There are a lot of medical problems that are linked to purging.

🦋The calorie absorption starts as soon as you begin chewing your food. There is acid that is released through your spit (yes, even if it is less acidic than your stomach, it is still there). So the famous method “chew and spit” is not the best because it is still harmful to your mouth health.

🦋 Purging is not a miracle erase switch. There is no Uno Reverse here. Even if you were to purge the entirety of your stomach, and that only a mere second after finishing eating, your body has already absorbed a portion of the calories ! A general rule is that about 1/3 to 2/3 of the calories will be left behind.

🦋 Now, even after all that you do purge, DO NOT BRUSH YOUR TEETH RIGHT AFTER. I swear to God that this is the worst thing you could do. 🦋

🦋If you were to ask the dentist when is the best time to brush your teeth in the morning, they would all agree that you can do it right after you wake up or 30-60 minutes after consuming food because of the acid mentioned earlier. Imagine how bad it would be after vomiting. So after a purge, you should try to swish some bicarbonate and water to bring the pH down and swallow half a glass to ease up your mouth, esophagus, and stomach. (I do 1 tbsp for 1 cup of water).

🦋Also, DO NOT PURGE if you don't drink enough liquid in your stomach. It is easier to do it when you do not only have solid shit in and less gross. Also it helps to reduce the acidity when it comes out.

🦋 Unfortunately, not all people have a gag reflex. Some studies show that nearly ⅓ of the population claim to feel it. Furthermore, it is shown that people who use any tobacco substance or other smoking substitute may be more prone to experience the lack of it. But it might also be that your body got used to your “mia” methods, thus being more resistant to where and how you are doing it. In that case, specialists point to other factors that can trigger it. So people will have a reaction caused by smell, others would find it with different stimulus points such as the roof of the mouth, back of the throat, tongue and near the tonsils. Moreover it can help to change the “tool” you are using (like going with something with a different texture like a cotton swab or the dental wood stick since it might help to trigger the reaction).

With that being said, if there is one thing you should remember about this whole thing is to be careful and aware.

Stay safe lovies. 🦋

[capricioussun]

How do you interpret US Papyrus? I'm always curious how others interpret him because there's a good range of them!

Ooh, in general?? Hm, I guess mostly the way I try to interpret him is sort of like if you gave UT Papyrus chronic fatigue and issues tied to having to act as the judge in his world! Which, to me, basically makes him very silly, kind, sassy, but also very insecure and very lonely.

I should explain- ough this is gunna be an essay so there'll need to be a readmore soon aha, but I should explain how the whole "judge" thing usually works in my interps!

It's not an inherent thing, or some "angel given" power, there has always been an acting Royal Judge, someone the crown had appointed that they felt they could, well, trust the judgement of, who they could consult about crimes and justice and whatnot. The prior judge Fell some years ago, but since Toriel/Asgore had already left, Asgore/Toriel never appointed another, as a sort of self punishment as well as a promise they would continue with their task of collecting the human souls without the assistance (or interference) of someone else.

That was until Sans/Papyrus came along. The "judging" effect was caused by one of the many methods Gaster used to make the brothers, involving the justice soul trait. This is where the KR came from, as well as the unique ability to "see" the sins in others' souls. After discovering this unique ability, eventually the king/queen asks Sans/Papyrus to act as the new judge (as well as some other reasons that vary depending on AU).

Now, the kr and "judge" ability manifested in Stretch much later than the sanses in non-swapped AUs, which made it a much more difficult transition that only made it much harder for him to socialize with others. He basically couldn't "turn it off", which, on top of feeling incredibly guilty about the invasion of privacy, made him feel anxious and stressed out and couldn't help but put the negative thoughts front and center in his attention, making him also feel like those were the most prominent thoughts and feelings of those around him.

So like, you know how anxiety and self image issues make you feel like everyone secretly hates you or finds you annoying or etc etc etc, basically, he had "proof" that was true, and despite trying his best to ignore it, things are already hard enough for a pre-teen/teen, on top of his physical health taking such the dip it did around that time, too, he quickly became anxiety riddled, isolated, and miserable.

Before then, he was actually a lot like Rus (UT) when he was a kid! And it was hard on Blue, too, since he was practically just a teen himself, so for all of that to land on his brother as well as needing to work harder to take care of him when he had bad health flares, things were rough for a while there.

That being said, Blue did help in keeping Stretch's mental health from completely plummeting, always trying to keep his mood up, encouraging him, trying to find him friends (how he met Undyne aka Sylv!), etc etc, and the brothers grew a lot closer in that time, as Stretch had always admired Blue, and it meant a lot to him.

That was until, of course, things never got any better. His health continued to decline into older teendom/young adulthood, and there was some personal drama here and there, especially involving Sylv, and when Blue joined the guard, that was the last straw. Stretch was sick of feeling like such a burden on everyone, so even though he'd initially turned Toriel down to act as judge (knowing his brother absolutely hated that she'd even asked him in the first place), he went back to her and accepted. That was really when the distance between the brothers started, which wasn't helped by the resets starting up soon thereafter.

(Quick aside, as he got older, he did get the hang of controlling his "judging" ability, and "turning it off" is no longer an issue for him later on)

So in his efforts to become more independent, he worked a lot on his social life and how to interact with others and make himself well liked. Sure, maybe he doesn't really have any real friends, and people forget his name all the time, but he'd finally learned how to utilize his heightened intuition to get along with people, rather than weird them out.

He’s still riddled with anxiety and self worth issues, but he’s gotten incredibly good at masking, and typically comes off as very relaxed and friendly. He’s a big fan of wordplay and very mild practical jokes (like those types of gags where you put on Groucho Marx glasses and pretend to be someone else. Blue always plays along for the bit), but he has a tendency to hold people at arms length, and tries to avoid others actually getting to know him.

Very few people know he’s the judge, and he prefers it that way, he'd rather everyone underestimate him so he never disappoints. That being said, he does still make quite an effort to help those around him without their knowledge, and he’s still lowkey very interested in engineering and computer science. Him and Rus are definitely two peas in a pod when it comes to interests, they could talk about comics for hours on end, but the primary difference is that Stretch tries much harder to hide how much he cares, where as Rus will shout it from the rooftops.

I'm not a big fan of the characterizations that make him a huge brat, sometimes even an outright jerk, I don't really understand them since neither Sans nor Papyrus are like that, but w/ my guy, he’s definitely a huge dork and sweetheart, who just also happens to be very sassy at times ahdjfjsksk

He also still holds on to his belief in others, like Rus. Even despite literally knowing better, he’s also been proven right too many times to lose that hope, which is why, in his fight, as opposed to UT Sans, he gets very quiet and looks miserable. He genuinely doesn't want to hurt them, but he knows he’s out of options. When he offers an out before the fight, he won't spring a surprise attack, and just offers a genuine hug. The player doesn't get a choice after accepting, they kill him, and his final words are pretty similar to Rus' about knowing they can do better, and he believes in them anyway, though he makes a comment about that sounding pretty stupid with a laugh before he collapses off screen.

WOW this got longer than I meant it to I'm sorry huge lore drop instead of just general facts ough BUT ! Idk, hopefully this gives a half decent feel for how I interpret him! I love him a lot I'm mixing him into a salad like a crouton <3

[justalia]

Hello Alia!

I must express my admiration for your work here on social media. I like the way you are direct with conscious creation. You simplify everything to make it easy to understand! I'm seeking guidance in my situation because I don’t know what to do, or if I should even take action. I like how you come across things, so In asking for advice in here. This might be a bit lengthy, I apologize in advance.

How can I reset my manifesting journey?

I've been into manifesting since middle school, and now I’m in college. Most of my life, I’ve desired a life I could achieve most of the time. In middle school/high school, I wanted to be popular and admired (I was an insecure weird kid) and tried absurd methods like “writing letters to the Universe to get your SP” and things like that. Obviously, I didn’t achieve anything. When it came to partners, I became fixated, creating scenarios in my head to materialize (to get) things in my life

Of course, I spent years, YEARS, trying to obtain things. Not one thing specifically , it was me chasing the perfect idea of how my life should look like. Throughout those years, I discovered many manifestation teachers; Neville, Edward, etc., but none led me to a stable point, because I had this pattern of overconsumption and obsession.

I think it's pretty embarrassing to admit that I spent a lot of time in my teenage years desiring a life that I couldn’t have. I was always lost in my own mind. I was nothing. I yearned to be loved. I was imagining and hoping but nothing changed

It was a cycle of terrible punishment to myself because I couldn’t materialize what I wanted. I fell into a state of limerence and, for my own mental well-being, I sort of gave up trying to get things.

My life became normal, but deep down, a part of me desired that successful, wealthy, and fulfilled life. I've tried to return to this journey, but it seems like I'm so burned out that it isn’t (somehow) available to me anymore. It's like a blockage. I think I resent myself for putting myself through this.

I know manifesting works; there have been times in my life where I’ve imagined things and they just appeared, but it was never the things I wanted.

I'm crying while typing this because, sincerely: this makes me feel so pathetic. Tons of material, tons of information, and applied incorrectly causing a mental burnout for me. I know that I should apply it, but my brain doesn't let me. (I hope I'm explaining myself well) I'm really afraid that if I try to manifest something, I'll fall into this state of limerence and madness. When I say I'm burned out, I'm burned out. Every time I think about this topic, my head hurts. I seem to know everything about this but nothing.

The main problem is that sort of, this way of hoping trying to get things it’s so engraved in my mind that I can’t seem to even start to “manifest” small things without feeling like I’m manifesting them. I know you become one in imagination, but how can I make my brain understand this? 😔

What should I do? How can I reset? If not, what is the best that I can do?

Have a good day. Keep doing what you do. And thank u anyway.

hi!

i couldn’t leave this ask unanswered so i’m gonna try my best.

first of all thank you so much for your kind words and i’m glad you could find my words helpful and knowledgeable.

i really understand where you are coming from and my greatest advice would be to drop all the knowledge you have on this and look into non dualism. i advice you do it only when you feel like you can go into it with a completely open mind and without any expectations so that you can find yourself. the real Self.

non dualism has been for me a way of understanding the way the “world” actually operates better and look at “manifestation” in a completely different way.

when it comes to how you’re feeling regarding your journey i’d like to give you this insight: that was never you. the character you’ve built has been through so many trials and tribulations and it feels “pathetic” for that. that was never you. believe me when i tell you this. all the labels you put on yourself are simply that: labels.

find your true self, stop manifesting anything and realize who you are. really realize it and feel the peace coming with this realization.

let me add this: the thing you think you have to free yourself from never really happened.

[writing-plurals]

okay so ive had this idea floating in the back of my head for a while, so here goes: how should i handle stuff like a relationship between two headmates of two different systems if the rest of the systems happen to not like each other at all, kinda like plural romeo and juliet except hopefully with a happier ending.

and on a tenously related note, would it be in bad taste if the systems in question had only two headmates? as far as i know this does happen in real life but far less often than in fiction

First of all, this sounds like a really good story idea that I'm sure some systems will relate to!

The first question you need to ask yourself is why do the systems not like each other? If the reason isn't very severe, it's much more likely to be resolved and you can get your happy ending. But if the reason is severe (e.g. one system abused the other), you can get into things such as the headmates feeling a lot of guilt over having a relationship with the headmate in the other system. So you can explore all that internal conflict if that's something you wanna go with.

But a big point is inner-system conflict. Conflict is never good in any relationship, and being a system is sort of like being in a weird relationship with a lot of people who you'll always be more connected to than with anyone in the outerworld.

First of all, are your systems amnesiac? Maybe you can have one of each or different levels of amnesia, but that'll raise different plot points. A headmate in an amnesiac system could get away with the relationship much easier. Depending on how they communicate, the rest wouldn't know about them meeting up, or if they deleted messages after speaking they wouldn't know about them texting. If one system has amnesia and the other doesn't, would the non-amnesiac system tell the amnesiac system about what the headmates are doing to get them to help put a stop to it, or do they dislike each other too much to collaborate in that way?

And in the non-amnesiac system, if they've got no amnesia barriers at all, there's nothing they can do to hide the relationship, so they'd be more fearful. Perhaps they start doing persecutory things so the system can't stop the relationship. For instance, if they have the power, they could lock everyone else out of front so they never find out about the relationship. But this won't last, the mental health of this headmate could get very bad if their system wasn't designed to have someone front for that long, and especially if that headmate's role has nothing to do with handling everyday life (and the headmate could also accidentally be negatively impacting the system's life, leaving a big mess the next fronter would have to clean up). Other headmates may be able to break into front again, such as a gatekeeper. And how would the headmate's partner feel about them doing this to the system? Oh! Another point I just thought of, do the headmates in the relationship also hate the rest of the other system and only love their partner? In that case, they may be completely fine with the headmate taking over front and think it's a good idea.

When the rest of the system finds out about the relationship, they could block and delete the contact of the other system if they hadn't done that already (but the headmate could try to retrieve it again), and if there's anyone in the system with the power to do so, they may lock the headmate out of front, or even try to put the headmate into dormancy to keep them from doing anything or to give them a sort of mental health reset (but handle this with care, as dormancy can be a sensitive topic for some systems). If the system has a therapist, you could show a healthier way of them dealing with this conflict, as in they tell the therapist what's going on and the therapist works with them to relieve the tension and conflict. This could be one way to lead into your happy ending.

Onto the last part of your ask, while you could have the systems only have two headmates, I think it would be better for the plot if they had more. Also, it'd be unlikely that both systems only have two, considering how rare that is. You could still have them be small systems, but I think two is too low. How would a bigger system be better for the plot? Well, it would raise the conflict. You could explore what each headmate thinks of the relationship once they know about it, for instance maybe there's at least one headmate who's actually okay with it, maybe they feel sympathetic towards the headmate in the relationship and want to help them. Maybe there's headmates who feel neutral about it, who don't care. And then there's the headmates against the relationship, they could hate the headmate, or feel betrayed by the headmate, or any number of things. But the more people in the system who hate the other system, the higher the stakes will be for the headmates in the relationship, and the harder it will be to solve the conflict, which I think will be more interesting.

So yeah, lots of things to think about, good luck on your writing!

-Mod Mountain

[keefwho]

February 16 - 2023

10:28 PM

I keep getting really horny, struggling to find a way to relieve myself, and when I finally do I feel guilty because of how pent up I’ve kept myself. Because it’s hard to ignore when my loins are on fire and it has a way of working into my social interactions. Its all that will be on my mind and I have to actively suppress it which ends up being stressful. I think the solution to this is to just crank one out more often but I’m always afraid I’ll miss out on something if I keep myself drained. Its stupid this is even a problem. I don’t want to be a perv and I don’t think I am one. My body is having urges that I can’t really control, I just have to deal with them appropriately. It’s very annoying. I do not want any of my relationships to be made weird or oversexualized because of some stupid urges. 

Part of it is because I’m bored and jerking off is an easy way to fix that. Also when I get too stressed out I like to do it as a distraction for a little bit. I like to fuck myself up hard just to get away from it all and usually it has a positive effect on me, like a little mental reset. 

This is so stupid. I’m just gonna will this problem out of existence. This should be something that is stressful. Things like my relationships take priority too. I will not let this impact what is actually important to me. 

12:08 AM

I get in my own head a lot that people don’t actually like me. It doesn’t make any sense because they wouldn’t want to be around me if that was true. I always figure this kind of thinking comes from how I don’t like myself all the time. It always takes a lot of work, but stepping back and getting some perspective on my interactions usually helps a lot. I’m always stuck in my own head with my worries but if I shift my perspective to the other people or completely outside of our interactions, I can learn a lot. Trying to see me interacting with myself through their eyes helps a LOT and can clue me in on how I might be acting. Also replaying their choices like I’m them helps me realize they must actually enjoy my company if they are doing the things they do. Im tired and this might not make much sense. I’m just aware of at least one of the things that inhibits my ability to fully enjoy other people and I have some methods to improve it. 

I just want to be more stable and reliable. I want to stand alone and be strong, and I want to give that strength to others when I can. The standing alone part is the biggest challenge right now. It’s so so hard to put up with myself sometimes. I don’t get it. I’m trying to understand it. 

There’s a lot I want to say to a lot of people but I’m afraid I’ll come off as weird for messaging so much or being too open. But on the other side, I’d love it if I heard what I want to say from other people. My besties cannot spam me, it won’t get annoying. I hope the same goes for them. Im trying to speak up more, especially since there could be so many missed opportunities if I don’t. The rule is if I feel strongly about something, I say it. I don’t like bottling things up because I feel like it might be weird to say when I have no reason to believe that. And I know doing that will eventually lead to me keeping more things inside and that will stop me from being myself. I’ll end up wearing a mask of sorts that has to stay on around certain people. That would prevent real connection. 

[sapphiccanaries]

i’ve been going through some ridiculous anxiety spirals in the last few months, which have so far just been kind of minor, things i’ve been able to talk myself out of. but this week is already shaping up to be worse. i told my therapist the last time i saw her a couple weeks ago and she gave me a pretty solid explanation as to how to avoid them & a youtube video/netflix doc to watch for “homework”, but i haven’t had the attention span to watch them (right now whatever i’m watching is just background noise basically).

like idk how it’s possible to feel socially overwhelmed yet kind of lonely at the same time. i simultaneously want to just not interact with anyone for a solid week (at least) but also want to hang out with people?

[bella-studyblr]

Task Management:

Creating + Maintaining a Schoolwork Schedule

Key elements

Your schedule suits your individual time/task management preferences.

It is flexible enough to accommodate sudden changes, plus fluctuating energy levels, states of concentration, symptoms and moods.

Daily tasks are not over-whelming; they are small enough that they are achievable.

You do not get “burned out.”

It allows you to be consistent.

Steps to create your schedule

Decide if you want your planner to be paper or digital

Find an “order” that’s logical and achievable for you (more on this later)

Refer to your addendum/syllabus and write down all the assignments, tests and other events taking place that week/month (and their due-dates).

Then break these down, assigning tasks to each day of the week (more on this later).

Break down your tasks even further (more on this later).

Decide if you want to follow a simple daily to-do list or a timed schedule (more on this later).

Find your “order(s)”

Mandatory: Schedule assignments around other commitments (work, social, hobbies, etc.).

Do the hardest task first to get it out of the way (so that the rest of your tasks are less daunting, and because your smaller tasks require less energy therefore can be done even after completing the hard task).

Do the easiest task first to build momentum (give yourself a feeling of accomplishment which will motivate you to continue, and boost your self-confidence early in the day to establish a positive mindset for the rest of the day).

Do the task that’s due first to minimize deadline stress, and so your assignments don’t fall through the cracks (causing you to get discouraged and lose momentum).

Plan according to your energy level throughout the day and week: Do you have Pilates once a week? Maybe you can reserve that day for easier assignments. If you know you’re going to be tired for whatever reason, account for that in your planning.

Consider your state of concentration: If you know you’re too groggy or spaced out for the first hour of your day, you can either schedule easy tasks in that time, or none at all. If you take a medication in the afternoon/evening that makes you tired, schedule easier tasks or none, and get harder tasks done earlier/later in the day. If you have ADHD and crowded places mess with your concentration, but you like studying at a café, go when it’s not busy.

Be mindful of your emotions and symptoms: If you have depression, or are prone to depressive episodes, you’ll need to consider that when scheduling. You might have to rework your entire schedule when you get into a depressive episode (like adding lots of breaks). If suddenly you’re going through a big life event (like a breakup), you need to account for that when scheduling. For instance, if you can’t stand to be alone, maybe you can go out instead of staying in, and if your motivation is low, you may need to up your reward-system or break down your tasks even more.

Break down this week/month’s tasks

Refer to your addendum/syllabus and write down all your due dates for the time period you’re scheduling for.

Based on due dates, outside commitments, predictions of energy/mood/symptoms, assign assignments to the days of the week/month that make most sense for you.

Break down daily tasks into sub-tasks

You can do this (in advance) for your full week/month’s assignments, or do it every morning/evening.

Generally, your assignments will follow a variation of this formula: brainstorm, create an outline, research, write rough draft, edit and revise. Test/exam prep will look something like: check to see what the test is based on, pinpoint important sections, review to see how well you know the material, create a list of items to study, rewrite select notes, make flash cards, study topic 1, study topic 2, etc.

What are the individual components of these steps? Here are some examples. Brainstorm: what should my topic be, what should my thesis be, what points can support my thesis, what do I need to research, what questions do I need to ask my prof? Outline: topic, thesis, points, conclusion. Research: write down all the important parts from each source (separately), then sift through to sort into Supporting Point 1, Supporting Point 2, etc. Rough draft: opening statement(s), intro, point 1, point 2, etc., conclusion, closing statement(s). Edit/revise: read and check for grammar only, then read again and check for spelling only, read again and check for cohesiveness only, etc. Topic 1: Part A, Part B, etc.

Each of these small components can be individual items on your to-do list. Big tasks like, “write essay” are too big for most people. Even “write rough draft” is daunting. If you start with something specific and small like brainstorming, and work your way up, it’s a lot easier to approach. Plus, being able to check off tasks more often and more easily will boost your confidence and your sense of competence, thus building momentum.

Here is a sample to-do list: Research X for Point 1 of Literary Essay, create outline for History Essay, Edit/Revise Assignment 1, study Topic 1 and Topic 2 for Test 1.

To-do list or time-based schedule?

To do list: Write down all your assignments for the day. Put them in the order you want to do them, or go through them intuitively (based on what you feel like doing, or what’s most practical at the time/place you’re at).

Timed-based: Write down all your assignments, then write down the time you’re going to do each of them. You could set reminders or alarms if you want, or simply refer to the list. There’s an awesome app I recommend if this is your thing. It’s called Structured (iOS only).

Curate your study environment for maximum focus

Eliminate distractions such as uncomfortable clothing, sounds (or silence), phone and computer notifications, clutter in the room and on your desk, people who may try to talk to you (shut your door and/or inform them that you’re busy).

Designate a space to doing homework only and avoid spaces that you associate with other things (do not study in bed, as you will want to relax or sleep, and/or you will mess with your sleep by weakening the bed’s association with sleep).

Build associations: Incorporate other events and items into your study/homework routine that you only use while doing that, so that you associate those things with studying/homework (examples: specific playlists, pencils/pens, cups/bottles, scents, rituals, decor, etc.).

Ensure good lighting (preferably including daylight).

Get dressed in clothes that make you feel good about yourself. They don’t have to be “professional” and they should definitely be comfortable. Do not stay in your pyjamas. Believe me, I know this can be hard, and I love PJ’s. But they are not good for productivity.

Don’t “multi-task.” It may feel like you’re getting more done this way, but by splitting your focus, not only do tasks take longer, they also diminish in quality. Commit to the task you’re doing.

Meditate: You can even meditate for just 1-5 mins right before studying, homework and/or classes.

Practice self care (daily!)

Sleep (enough, well, and regularly).

Daylight: Get outside, work by windows, use a light therapy box. These can help regulate your sleep, improve and maintain mental health, and boost energy.

Fresh air: Getting outside even for a couple minutes can help you refresh and reset, and feel good about yourself and your life. Fresh oxygen can help you wake up and is great for your health. Even just opening your window can do a lot for your mood, energy and motivation.

Movement: Try to move at least once per day. The benefits of exercise are numerous and immense.

Healthy and consistent eating: Avoid spikes in insulin levels by eating regularly so you don’t have extreme dips in your energy level. Also, brain power uses calories too, so make sure you’re eating consistently, and try to eat healthy. There are so many other reasons eating consistently is good for your health (and by extension, your productivity).

Relaxation and leisure: Make time for fun and socializing, as well as intentional relaxation. Hobbies, movies/tv, time with friends/family, meditation, baths, progressive muscle relaxation, etc.

Therapy: Your therapy sessions are not daily, but you can do 5 minutes of inner-work per day based on what you and your therapist are currently working on. Working with a therapist is a great way to stay on track with your goals, and develop the skills and positive mindset required for success in school.

Reward yourself

Track progress: Reflect on all the assignments you’ve completed and your grades to remind yourself that you’re capable!

Completing to-do lists daily maintains a sense of accomplishment which keeps your momentum going. Check those items off! Or give yourself gold stars! ⭐️

Treat yourself with non-food rewards: Tie completed school work with fun tasks like video games, or take yourself out for coffee, or some other small (non-food) outing. What I’m trying to do right now is not do my leisure activities until my daily tasks are done.

Develop a positive mindset

Take promises you make to yourself seriously. The more you break promises to yourself, the easier it will get to continue breaking promises. You will lose respect for yourself which lowers motivation, and you will lose trust in yourself which can become debilitating as well. The more you keep promises, the easier it will get, the more motivated you’ll become, and the more you’ll trust and respect yourself. Your confidence will improve, and you’ll feel better about yourself. Productivity is choosing yourself. Discipline is choosing what’s best for you instead of what you feel like doing in the moment. Discipline is a muscle, and like any muscle, it can be strengthened, and it can atrophy.

Remember your “why.” What is the end goal of being in school? What’s your career path, and why did you choose it? What will your life be like when you have that career? What would your life be like if you gave up and didn’t make it to your goal? Aiming for your dream while running from your nightmare is a great strategy for maintaining motivation. Lighting a fire under your *** can be a huge motivator.

Remember how good you feel when you get schoolwork done, and let this motivate you to stay consistent. You can also remember how you feel when you don’t get work done, but definitely focus more on the positive!

Go to therapy and/or hire a coach. There are SO many benefits to therapy and I’d honestly need a whole other post to get into it. You don’t need to be depressed or mentally ill at all in order to benefit from talking to a therapist. They can even help you with time management, procrastination, motivation and more! If you can afford it, please do it. It’s such a worthwhile investment.

Be consistent

No “zero days.” Do at least a bit of homework or studying every day so you don’t slip into vacation mode. Make schoolwork a daily part of your life, so it just becomes the norm.

Build productivity momentum (track progress, check items off your to-do list daily, treat yourself, keep promises to yourself, remember your “why,” remember how success feels).

Stay on top of projects. Your assignments are made up of smaller tasks you assign yourself across time. “Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.” - Robert Collier

Avoid burnout (more on this later).

Keep it interesting (more on this later).

Avoid burnout

Self-care: shower and/or bathe regularly, maintain proper sleep habits, stay hydrated, take care of your skin, do relaxation activities like meditation and reading, do fun activities, pamper yourself every now and then with face masks or foot baths, take your meds as prescribed, eat well and regularly, get outside often, move daily, etc.

Break up study/homework sessions into small, manageable chunks of time, with constructive (refreshing) breaks in between.

Break assignments down into even smaller tasks so that you aren’t over-working yourself during the course of a day, and so that you don’t overwhelm yourself (the stress can lead to burnout).

School-life balance: Keep up with your social life as best as you can, make time for your hobbies, maintain self-care, say no to things that don’t serve you, etc. Try to follow through with scheduled schoolwork 100% of the time, but know that you won’t. Sometimes you’ll need to prioritize mental health over schoolwork (be careful though, this is a very fine line, and a slippery slope). Sometimes things will come up and it’ll be out of your control. But more than anything else, there will be times when you just decide to prioritize something else like fun and socializing over schoolwork. This is why your schedule needs to be flexible: to accommodate sudden invites to hang out and random decisions to skip a homework/study session, but more importantly, flexibility will reduce the odds that you’ll skip in the first place. If your schedule includes hobbies and socializing, and anything else that’s important to you, then you won’t feel deprived. If you have school-life balance, you’ll have more of yourself to devote to schoolwork when it’s time to.

Keep it interesting

Romanticize your life by putting effort into making all of your daily tasks a special occasion.

Make meals and drinks special by using your favourite dinnerware and cutlery. Perhaps even incorporate extra elements such as: a beautiful tablecloth, napkins, candles and/or dim lighting, music, wearing your favourite clothing, etc.

Pretend you’re the main character in a movie about a successful, productive student (because you are the main character in your life).

Make games out of studying if this is something that interests you (the Forest app comes to mind).

Use lots of colours in your notes and buy colourful stationary! 🌈

Vary your approach/methods if needed to avoid boredom.

Study with friends (online or in person).

Reward yourself often.

Remember your “why.”

[juliabohemian]

oh dear

I have noticed a number of posts circulating which imply that ANY character being mean to Loki EVER and for ANY reason = abuse.

I will admit that I initially felt mostly irritation at what appeared, on the surface, to constitute such a complete and utter lack of critical thinking. What I’ve realized, though, is that people who make such posts definitely believe what they are saying. And like everything people do and say, there’s a deeper reason for it. The fact is, traumatized characters attract traumatized fans. And not all of those fans are in a good place, emotionally. And those people are perfectly valid, even if the conclusions they draw are not.

When it comes to fiction, good characters are complex. That means they are conflicted and flawed. They make mistakes. They lash out when they are afraid or hurting. They sometimes hurt other characters. Loki fits that bill very well. It’s one of the reasons he is so popular. Not just with traumatized people, but with people in general. He’s relatable.

The problem comes when fans relate to fictional characters, but really aren’t conscious of why, because they aren’t all that conscious of themselves. They haven’t done a whole lot of self-reflection. Maybe because they aren’t ready, because their trauma is too fresh. Or maybe they are still living in crisis and don’t have the freedom to self-reflect. Those possibilities are all valid.

But very often, when a person goes through trauma and doesn’t have the luxury (and yes, it is a luxury) of working through it, their reasoning skills can become flawed as a result. Trauma, especially childhood trauma, tends to have a negative effect on our ability to socialize and form intimate relationships, because it damages our ability to interpret the intentions of others. We call this hostile attribution bias.

The problem with hostile attribution bias, is that it makes it difficult to tell when people genuinely mean you harm. If a person’s words, actions, or facial expressions are ambiguous in any way, they will be interpreted as being hostile in nature. This keeps one on the offensive, constantly, always anticipating the next blow. Very often, no such blow is coming. But it doesn’t matter. Fear is real, and the experience of it is real.

It stands to reason that someone who struggles to interpret the intentions of real-life people would also experience the same difficulty with fictional characters. For instance, fans who identify with Loki because they perceive him as being a victim will have a hard time seeing him as anything else. Thus, anyone who harms Loki in any way is just further proof that the universe is against him and always will be.

This is referred to as an external locus of control. It means that a person sees life as something that is happening TO them, and that they are powerless to affect the outcome. It’s also important to note that people with this mentality struggle deeply to heal from their trauma. They are stuck in a sort of Groundhog Day scenario, living the same thing out over and over again. Because of their flawed perception, everything that happens to them feels like an extension of that initial trauma.

So, it would make perfect sense that a person with a history of trauma, who suffers from attribution bias, and who has an external locus of control, would be extremely uncomfortable watching anything bad happen to Loki. In fact, it would probably be traumatic for them.

And while their feelings and their experience of those feelings are 100% real, their perception of reality is not entirely accurate. In other words, what they think is happening is not necessarily what is happening.

Loki’s initial trauma, believe it or not, was just being abandoned as an infant. Even though he can’t remember it, that experience alone can result in lifelong emotional struggles. In real life, we refer to this as an attachment disorder. A person with an attachment disorder usually develops major issues with abandonment. They also suffer from (wait for it) attribution bias. And that bias absolutely affects their perception.

Loki’s next trauma was being raised in a dysfunctional family. Not only were they dysfunctional, but they weren’t a very good fit for Loki. Loki was a quiet, contemplative person. He was a thinker, an intellectual. He would rather read or do magic. So, not a good fit for Asgardian society. The combination of Loki’s initial trauma, with his inherent temperament, and his dysfunctional family is what led to the inevitable breakdown that is regarded as Loki’s “villain” arc. I’d like to point out that, in reality, such a person would have probably suffered a breakdown much sooner than that. Typically, prior to reaching adulthood.

Loki’s next trauma was encountering Thanos. Now, we have no idea exactly what happened between Loki and Thanos. We know only that it wasn’t good and that it resulted in Loki being absolutely terrified of him. Other than that, details are fuzzy. I think it’s fair to assume that whatever mistreatment Loki endured probably qualified as torture. Whether it was physical or psychological, we cannot know for sure.

While Loki’s Thanos-related trauma was NOT an extension of his family-related trauma, his decision to entangle himself with Thanos was a product of that trauma. By which I mean that his willingness to align himself with someone like Thanos came from a place of desperation, and a desire to prove himself to someone who he perceived as being qualified to validate him.

So, fast forward to the LOKI show. Our version of Loki never returned to Asgard in chains, was never told that it was his birthright to die, nor endured any gaslighting from Ragnarok-Thor. He never got his neck broken by Thanos. He never went through any of that. He arrived at the TVA, fresh off his failed attempt to take over planet Earth. He was all fired up and defensive, as anyone in his situation would probably be.

Now, here’s where we need to put our critical thinking caps on. Because, I hate to tell you this, folks...but unlike most of the Loki content we’ve gotten prior, this content is actually well written. It’s VERY well written. And while it might be tempting to respond to it with pure emotion, it is imperative that we don’t abandon all logic and reason. This show is not an extension of the gauntlet of trauma we’ve watched Loki endure since he first appeared on screen. The creative minds involved in this venture ALL care deeply about Loki’s character and want to see him succeed (whatever that means for him).

Enter Mobius. He’s a cog in a very big machine. He likes to think of himself as being more than that. He establishes a rapport with his boss in the hopes of distinguishing himself from his peers. His interest in his work is personal. He likes what he does.

From Mobius’ point of view, Loki is an asset. He has information that could help solve the bigger puzzle. But Mobius exists in a world that affords him access to multiple realities. He has probably met dozens of Lokis. And he has probably seen hundreds of people casually pruned or executed or reset. It’s just part of the world he happens to be in. And he doesn’t question it, because he has been brainwashed.

So, does Mobius attempt to manipulate Loki? Absolutely. Just another day at the office. And it works, because he knows Loki better than Loki knows himself, has studied him and other Lokis. And it’s hard not to be mad at Mobius for causing Loki pain. Especially when that is followed up by Loki eagerly taking Mobius up on his offer to help track down the other Loki variant.

I think some people might find Loki’s enthusiasm disconcerting. And there are certainly aspects of it that can be considered such. Loki, at his core, just wants to be told that he is doing a good job, that his contributions matter. That part of him is definitely a product of trauma. But is Loki motivated entirely by his trauma? Not really. Despite his manipulations, Mobius offers Loki the closest thing to warmth and compassion that he has seen for a while. Some of that is genuine and some of that is not. And faced with the reality that everything he knows is gone, Loki does what most people in his situation would do, he tries to be productive. He gets busy. He distracts himself. Because at the moment, little else is under his control.

Despite all of that, you simply cannot have compassion for Loki and none for Mobius. Because Mobius is a victim too. He was abducted from his own reality. He is living a lie. He is part of something that, upon deeper reflection, he realizes he doesn’t agree with. He is so very much like the Loki we first met in 2011. He is such a well-written and multi-faceted character, I thoroughly enjoy his on screen time with Loki.

But I understand that there are people who are not in a place, emotionally, where they can overlook such plot devices. And I sincerely hope that those eventually people find healing. In the meantime, let’s try to remember that this is a work of fiction. And unlike real-life trauma, when it becomes upsetting, we can turn it off and walk away.

[saprophetic]

hi besties i'm finally making a post abt my feelings on forsaken! namely the fact that it absolutely could have — and should have — been avoided. (ft. Cayde's Death Was His Fault And He Knew It.)

both petra and cayde, when they brought uldren to the prison of elders, knew that there was something wrong. petra, one of the people who knew uldren the best, could tell that he wasn't himself — she didn't know about the taken bullshit + that the hallucinations were from riven, but...

(from Free | Part II in the Forsaken Prince lorebook)

They take him to a discreet landing dock on one of the lower levels of the Prison of Elders. When his containment unit hisses open, the glow and the mist silhouette an Exo with glowing blue eyes and a woman with her weapon drawn. Petra herself.

She stands there in silence. He knows she wants to kill him. He knows she wishes him to say, "You've done well."

"She speaks to you?" Her words are curt and direct. "What does she say?"

As he looked into the prince's eyes, he saw a fleeting shadow of darkness dance across their normal ethereal golden glow. Variks looked back to Petra.

"Petra Venj… I—I do not understand."

"I know. It's… Something's wrong with him, Variks. He's… mad. Lock him down—lock down the entire cellblock. No one in but you or me. Speak of this to no one. As far as the system is concerned, Uldren Sov died over Saturn."

(both from Reacquaintance from the Most Loyal lorebook)

"Of course. Of course." Variks noticed Petra's gaze lingered a little too long on the prince's cell. He could see she was troubled, even ashamed. Petra saw him watching and composed herself, back straight, all Wrath. She met his eyes. He could see her trouble, her shame.

"Variks. My friend." Was that tenderness Variks heard in Petra's voice? "He is changed. His eyes…" She stopped herself. Reset. "If he speaks, don't listen. He speaks lies. Terrible lies." And with that, she walked away, Cayde close behind. The doors to the cellblock slammed shut behind them.

petra absolutely knew that uldren was having a mental breakdown — and she threw him in prison and then tried to cover it up. because she knew that what she was doing (once again: throwing her friend who was having a psychotic break into maximum security prison) was morally unjust. she knew, and she felt guilty about it.

rather than even ATTEMPTING to get uldren any sort of help for what she surely assumed was grief and trauma... she just threw him in prison. and cayde helped her do it.

AND, as a matter of fact — when variks tried to tell her that uldrens problem was a sickness and asked her to let him attempt curing it... she told him no. so variks let the prison break happen.

(from Chain of Souls in the Most Loyal lorebook)

But if it worked—perhaps Fikrul could be cured. Perhaps—if what Variks suspected was true, and Fikrul's corruption was related to the Prince's affliction—Uldren could be cured, too.

Variks had said as much to Petra, but she'd refused to listen.

"You will not experiment on the Prince."

"Our Prince is ill. To keep him here… hide him from Awoken eyes… not right. Not right."

"I've made my decision, Variks."

(from Where Loyalty Lies in the Most Loyal lorebook)

By the end of that day, the Prison of Elders descended into chaos.

"Your time WILL come, Variks."

Uldren sits in his favorite spot, gazing in his favorite direction. "She told me so. She has but one last wish of you."

"No, your grace." Variks' voice was gravelly with emotion. "It is I who has one last service for you."

Variks left before he could change his mind.

the entire reason that the prison break happened is because:

petra and cayde put a man they assumed was only having a grief-induced psychotic break into prison, knowing that what uldren needed was help. (actually that's unkind of me — cayde just wanted to kill him and fikrul both.)

petra then tried to hide it from the awoken people.

when petra was informed that uldren had a Magical Illness going on, she told variks that he wasn't allowed to try to cure it.

variks, despite everything, still held loyalty to the reef, to mara and uldren.

speaking of the prison break, that leads me to part two, or "Why Cayde's Death Was His Own Fault, And He Knew It"

quickly summing up the important beats in the beginning cutscene in forsaken:

the prison break starts

petra calls cayde and the young wolf for help stopping a prison riot

petra realizes that it isn't a riot, it's a break

cayde goes down to maxsec by himself to stop uldren & the barons, taking out a large part of the prison infrastructure in the process

cayde tries to solo an entire room of barons and gets the shit beat out of him

he gets out his ghost in a room full of enemies to heal him... and proceeds to get his ghost killed

he then gets bitchy to uldren (like... about The One Thing that he knows will fuck w uldren)

guardian_i_dont_feel_so_good.mp4

he flat out tells you "that's what i get for playing nice" like. he ABSOLUTELY knew his death was his own fault. he was reckless and conceited and got himself killed.

and at no point did he want to be avenged. this isn't a post about cayde but frankly he would have hated that the guardian went on a revenge rampage. like, he didn't want that.

anyway. quick aside to say that i'm a prison abolitionist so the whole "prison of elders" thing puts a bad taste in my mouth ANYWAY, but the fact that they put an obviously ill man in prison instead of trying to help him is just... hmmmmmm. i Really don't like that.

the events of forsaken Could Have Been Avoided, if only someone had gotten uldren help instead of allowing him to be further isolated.

quick edit to add that also forsaken could also have been avoided if mara had told uldren that she was still around, but... she didn't care enough to. forsaken is a tragedy on all fronts.

[mc-lukanette]

Cold-blooded miraculouses were a double-edged sword, as Luka had learned in his time as Viperion. On one hand, in addition to having heightened abilities that varied with the miraculous itself, cold-blooded miraculouses tended to have something special about them.

The ladybug could restore things to normal after an akuma battle.

The dragon had three different powers to use at their leisure.

The snake had a way around their timer, resetting as many times as they liked as long as it was within a five minute period of time.

On the other hand, they were at an inherent disadvantage when it wasn't warm out. In the cold, it was harder to function and stay awake as the cold began to seep into their bodies. Battles that would seem easy during the summer were suddenly a nightmare during the winter.

That was why Fu was careful when picking holders for such miraculouses, because the rules were not entirely cruel. In fact, cold-blooded miraculouses could maintain a certain degree of warmth whenever their holder was in a warm place. It could hold onto the warmth for a period of time, preserving their holder's newfound body heat to keep them protected temperature-wise for as long as possible.

In civilian form, it wasn't as much of a problem. Luka found that lingering in heated music stores for a while was usually enough to keep him warm for the day.

His superhero form was an entirely different story, often not even leaving enough warmth to get to the battle, much less maintain it.

Luka supposed, in a way, that it was his fault.

When Fu had picked holders, he gave warm-blooded miraculouses to people who were unlikely to receive a lot of warmth or physical contact in general.

Chat Noir, for example, supposedly had a rough home life that didn't involve a lot of physical contact from people, so him having a warm-blooded miraculous was beneficial. Ryuko, while cold-hearted, apparently had someone she could rely on for warmth and affection, ensuring that she could stay warm for as long as possible.

Plus, Chat always seemed eager to help at the slightest stiffening from her.

Luka, meanwhile, while a warm-hearted person, did not easily give out physical contact. He respected other people's space, never moving in for a hug or even a simple holding of a hand unless they either offered it first or gave him permission. In a way, it was a conundrum: he needed that warmth, but because he was too respectful, it gave people the impression that he wasn't a physically affectionate person.

And that was how Luka ended up in battle, as Viperion, not able to do a thing as the akuma grabbed him and flung him carelessly into the air like some sort of ragdoll. He was sent flying - falling - and he couldn't do a thing about it.

He vaguely heard the shouts of his teammates, but they were far off by now. Viperion could only make out the rush of wind and hear the cracking of glass against his body as he fell through a window, sliding against the ground until he hit something that stopped him.

He smelled fresh baked goods all around him - a bakery? - though he was honestly so tired that he couldn't open his eyes to check. The warmth it was providing was nice, but with how cold he was, it probably wouldn't be enough.

Then, he heard footsteps approaching, though he could tell that they weren't the akuma's. They were quick, maybe a little unsteady, but full of energy.

A voice called out to him, but he couldn't hear it very well, still delirious from the cold and the crash.

Bells; that was what he got from the voice. There was a pleasant chime just like a bell.

Something touched his face. Skin, he realized, and it was gentle...

It was warm.

Briefly, he snapped enough out of the mental fog, managing to open his eyes a bit, but the hand retreated even more quickly than it'd arrived. He got a brief glimpse of the ceiling before descending back into darkness.

The voice sounded concerned - shocked even - saying something about how cold he was. He didn't really have a reassurance to offer, considering that the voice was right, so he didn't say anything at all.

Idly, he thought it was a nice voice. The bells were prominent in it, but there were other, more subtle instruments that he hadn't noticed before.

The nice voice seemed to request something out of him, though he wasn't sure what it was. He could only let out a shallow breath.

Then, a warm hand settled upon his arm. He felt his arm being gripped and slowly brought upwards.

His arm was settled on a shoulder, the warmth intensifying.

Slowly, he was able to start making out the voice's words.

"...ap your arms around me?"

Though he hadn't heard all of it, he could make out the offer in the tone. He was being held up, being encouraged to do whatever was needed, and the warmth was very warm.

His body complied. He turned slightly, wrapping his other arm around the comforting presence. Hands came to rest gingerly on his back, intensifying the already welcoming warmth.

He inhaled, the original smell of baked goods mixing with the scent of flowers and vanilla. Exhaling, he appreciated the slight tingling sensation as his miraculous went to work preserving the surrounding heat.

The bangle began to burn, but pleasantly, warmth building in his chest and then extending to the rest of him. The miraculous, after all, didn't take; it simply amplified the surrounding heat to soothe its wearer.

Seconds passed. Minutes passed, and he was taking in every one of them, thankful that he hadn't wasted away his Second Chance.

Mental clarity had never felt so nice; just being able to think without feeling like it was some sort of chore. Viperion desperately wished that he could have that all the time.

However, with mental clarity came the realization that he was not only hugging a stranger, but also that there was an akuma on the loose while he was resting lazily in someone's arms.

He jolted up, mind heavy with thoughts that'd had to build up and wait until he could properly process them. He didn't even look at his savior's face, turning quickly and jumping out of the broken window to get outside. The preserved warmth acted as a temporary shield, like invisible layers of pre-heated fabric that were slowly being stripped off, so he used the opportunity to leap up to the nearest rooftop.

Careful not to slip as he landed, he looked around and noticed a ruckus going on in the distance. He knew right away that they were his teammates, given that they weren't exactly subtle, unlike himself.

He headed for the next rooftop, preparing to make up for how he'd been so embarrassingly flung away earlier.

The battle itself, outside of having to deal with the cold weather, went relatively smoothly. He hadn't even needed to use Second Chance, having had the element of surprise upon returning.

That was one good thing about so easily being knocked away, he supposed; well, that, and also the warm hug he'd gotten.

Once everything was over and Tikki had flown by to purify the butterfly and cast Miraculous Ladybug, Ryuko and Chat Noir waved before hopping off to leave. Viperion figured that he should probably return home as well since the akuma had been dealt with, but his mind drifted.

Really, he'd been rude to leave that bakery without so much of a 'thank you,' but he was in such a hurry. He’d panicked.

Glancing down at his bangle and reminding himself that he didn't have to worry about de-transforming, he looked around and began to re-trace his steps back to the bakery, at least to the best of his abilities. His body was becoming cold again, but he tried to ignore it, knowing that he could de-transform and reheat himself somewhere if things got too bad.

Recognizing the bakery was easier than he'd thought. The smell permeated the building and Viperion could guess where he'd smashed through and where he'd hit off of even if the windows were fixed now.

He went for the door and pushed it open, hearing a chime of a bell to signify his arrival. It wasn't quite the "bell" he'd been looking for, but it was still nice.

Multiple people glanced over to look at him, but only one stood out as she exclaimed, "O-oh! You're back!"

He recognized the voice immediately and met her gaze, taking in the sight of her pigtails and bright blue eyes. She must've noticed that he had something to tell her, because she gave a man nearby - her father? - a telling glance before she turned and slipped into the hallway.

Viperion gave them man a similar glance, then followed when he confirmed that it was alright. The girl was waiting there for him, standing off to the side and shifting slightly in place.

"Sorry," he said gently. When she looked at him, confused, he added, "I didn't thank you earlier."

"Wha—no, no! It's totally okay!" she assured, rapidly waving her arms in protest. "There was an akuma on the loose! There was no time."

"Still, thank you for helping me," he said, a little insistence in his voice. "I wouldn't have been able to go back to fight without you."

She put a thoughtful hand to her face, brows furrowed with worry. "I-I mean—how couldn't I have helped? You were like ice."

He smiled, noting that she must’ve been the type who couldn't fathom the idea of not helping someone. It was adorable. "It's just something I have to deal with for the winter, thanks to my miraculous."

She blinked, eyes curious. "Your... miraculous? It's a normal thing in winter for you?"

"Yeah." He raised his wrist so she could see the bangle on it. "I can't stay warm on my own. Ryuko goes through the same thing, but Chat Noir's usually there for her."

"Can't Chat Noir help you too?"

He shook his head. "We thought about it, but it makes Chat too big of a target, so I manage on my own."

The girl pouted, flailing at him as she argued, "If by 'manage,' you mean almost turn into a snake-y icicle! I thought you were about to die!"

He chuckled, but was genuine as he apologized again. "I'm sorry."

She was still pouting, but seemed to accept that. She glanced at the wall, almost as if she could see through it to the bakery itself, then looked back at him. "S-so... that happens all the time?"

He hesitated, not wanting to worry her but not wanting to lie either. "Not... all the time." When she turned skeptical, he added quickly, "Anyway, I'll just have to be more careful and warm myself up more in advance."

"Is that doable?"

He tilted his head in response.

She grew sheepish, clarifying, "I-I mean, I don't know about how hard it is being a hero, but I figured that you'd be the type that's already been trying their best?"

He was surprised by the sudden praise, and also couldn't deny that she was right. He'd been doing his best to stay warm, but there was only so much he could do without his behavior being considered strange.

After a moment of thought, he assured, "I'll figure something out. I just came to thank you, so—" He smiled. "—thank you again."

She blushed, clasping her hands at her waist. She averted her gaze to the ground, as if in thought, then peeked back at him. "Um... you're welcome."

He gave her an appreciative nod, then turned and began to walk towards the door. Before he could get all the way there, he heard a soft gasp from behind him and suddenly felt his wrist being grabbed. "UH—WAIT!"

He jerked back, turning his head to look at the girl. He glanced down, seeing that she had both hands on his wrist.

She was still very warm.

He stared back at her, wordlessly asking a question. She paused, blinking at him with a determined-yet-blushing look on her face, then apparently noticed what she was doing. She recoiled, rubbing the back of her neck shyly.

"Um... if you ever need to get warm again," she began, voice almost a whisper, "m-my parents say that I give the warmest hugs."

Viperion was very sure that he looked like a fool, staring blankly at her with his mouth agape at the offer.

She pointed upwards as she continued, "My room is on the top floor. T-there's a balcony that you can drop onto and just knock to get my attention. It'd be convenient, right?"

He followed the direction of her pointing finger to the ceiling, then looked back at her. It took him a few seconds to get his mouth working. "You'd do that? Would it really be okay?"

She nodded immediately, wide-eyed. "Y-yeah! I...I don't want you freezing again, and I'd be honored to help in any way I could!" she assured. She seemed to realize something and flinched, adding hastily, "M-my name's Marinette, by the way."

Marinette, Viperion repeated in his head. A pretty name for a pretty girl with a pretty voice, and she wanted to help him on top of all that. She was clearly awkward about offering at all, yet there was an insistence in her eyes that made her hard to refuse.

"...I'll keep that in mind," he finally replied. Grinning, he said, "At the very least, it was nice to know the name of my savior."

"S-sav—" She blanked at him like she'd short-circuited, even blushing pink.

Giving her a fond gaze, he waved and began to turn away from her. "Stay safe, Marinette."

He walked off, his ears catching her soft "bye" just as he was closing the door behind him. Now exposed to the cold again, he made a quick escape to the nearest safe spot to de-transform. He was still a little cold, but he was sure he could make it home in civilian form.

Sass flew up, giving Luka a ‘job well done’ smile. However, he then blinked, looking curious as he stared at Luka's face.

Luka blinked as well, noticing the gaze. "What?"

"Did something good happen to you?" Sass inquired. He grinned, pointing out, "You're smiling more than usual."

"Am I?" Luka asked obliviously, raising a hand to feel along his lips.

Huh. He supposed he was.

[drxwsyni]

Petrified (pt. 6)

Yandere Erasermic x f!Reader

SERIES MASTERLIST

a/n: So, I’ve got the rest of this fic planned out which means ideally, writing the rest of it should be easier. I’m so sorry for how long it took me to finish this part, I just had to figure out where I was taking the whole story first. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

A big thank you to those few anons who so kindly sent me some inspiration for this fic. I really appreciate the help, and it greatly assisted me in forming the outline to the rest of the story <3

*Sidenote*: Please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed from the taglist! Also, I’d recommend looking at the warnings listed on Ao3 for the whole fic. There’s a lot of them, and some of you might like the heads up for future chapters (it will have slight spoilers though).

5.2k words

Warnings: Reader experiences panic attacks, severe anxiety & claustrophobia, coercive behaviour

The progression of the night felt slow, but perhaps that wasn’t such a horrible thing―it allowed your mind to grow accustomed to the seemingly endless rambling of a certain blond. That, and you could appreciate the unfaltering patience of his partner, who like you listened dutifully and made the occasional response to whatever the voice hero had chosen to fixate on.

And surprisingly, the frustrating agreement you were quite literally coerced into began slipping from your recollection, at least for the moment.

You’d admit, the two men had some fairly captivating stories. It was becoming a sort of norm for you to idly exist alongside them while they spoke. As a civilian, and one with relatively no past experience when dealing with heroes or villains, you were more or less forced to let them take the reins on the back and forth between the three of you.

That is unless they wanted to talk about what flowers were best paired together, or the step by step process of tending to some particularly high maintenance plants. You assumed they didn’t, and stayed quiet in your ways.

And so time went on, you nestled into the corner of their couch in the small but comfortably furnished living room, the fuel burning fireplace giving off a warmth that settled the nerves that had been sent skyrocketing not too long ago.

For the second time that night, your eyes drifted to the clock hanging on the wall―6:52 pm.

In moments like these you were able to be thankful of Shouta’s perceptiveness, him following your gaze without you realizing his actions. It wasn’t until he voiced his own concerns of not wanting to keep you up too late that you had the realization of his observances.

Naturally, you had no qualms with the idea of your departure.

Hizashi wasn’t as accepting of it, being the overly affectionate person you hated him for, but he would always listen to Shouta before he did so with you. And with a stern glance and brief assurance, his own opinions gave way in favour for the erasure hero’s.

You tried insisting that calling a cab home was no issue, but you rarely got your way with the two, and tonight was not going to be an exception. That reality had you sitting in their car on the way back to your apartment, Hizashi in the driver's seat and still managing to find something to discuss. At this point you weren’t sure if you preferred the nearly deafening silence of Shouta’s company, or the never ending chatter of his partner, but that too was out of your control when you were seen off by the visibly exhausted man at the door just minutes ago, him favouring to remain home to clean up for the night.

The speakers were playing low, some unrecognizable channel broadcasting soft rock while you politely listened to Hizashi drone on as he drove the car through town. It had begun raining just before you left, the distinct but quiet noise of downpour hitting the windshield having a somewhat soothing effect.

It was greatly appreciated, when the sound of Hizashi’s voice was growing in intensity the more excited he became with the topic at hand. You didn’t have the heart to tell him to lower his tone, and so you did your best to contain any brief winces when the pitch raised just above a comfortable level.

When the sight of your apartment complex came into view through the rain splattered glass and street lights reflecting off the droplets, a deep sigh of relief escaped your lungs. Paying attention to the exuberant man after such a long and mentally tasking night was difficult, but somehow you managed to pull it off. You gave yourself some credit for surmounting the task, fully prepared to bound out of the vehicle to your awaiting bedroom the second the chance to do so arose.

The car came to a halt, Hizashi putting the gear shift into park outside the complex. You waited for the doors to unlock, getting ready to say your goodbyes.

You felt a warm hand rest atop your thigh instead, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Before ya get going, I just want to mention one last time that what you’re doin’ at work really isn’t the best idea, sunshine. I know, I know―you like helping people with that cute lil’ quirk of yours. It’s just the whole thing isn’t treatin’ ya very well, you can’t tell me it’s something you’re really okay with keeping up.”

The leg that wasn’t being held down by the blond’s hand bounced anxiously―the action itself unconscious, and movements small to the point where he didn’t pick up on it. His gaze was hard set on your expression, and the raw concern in his eyes was only unsettling, the exact opposite effect it should have.

Salvation was just a few metres away, but with the car doors still locked, it might as well be in another country.

Your eyes trained on the passing cars at the intersection down the street, plastering the best casual look across your face. Inwardly, you prayed he couldn’t sense the way your heart rate had picked up to a racing pace, and the somewhat unsteadiness to your breathing.

“It’s hard, but the job is all I have. Not just for money, but I really do get satisfaction out of working there. And...while this isn’t really the first time I’ve had issues because of my quirk, I can’t just let it stop me from doing what I love.”

Without even looking at him, you could tell how much he disapproved. And you didn’t need the visual confirmation when the grip on your thigh got tighter, and the noise of breathy exhale sounded off next to you. “Sunshine, you’re only hurtin’ yourself. It’s not worth it to do that over a job.”

For once your eyes met his, only for a moment, with a small and brief surge of what you think may have been confidence. Could’ve been stupidity, either way it had you replying with an edge. “You’re one to talk, don’t people like you get hurt all the time for the sake of your job?”

There was a pause, and in that silence you feared for your life.

But then the blonde gave an amused chuckle, removing the hand from your thigh to wave off your confrontational remark. “It’s different for you, I’m supposed to get hurt if it means I’ll protect someone else. And even then, I’m ready to rock with a little help from my friends. My wounds are healed and then it’s back to business―your aches are long term. And for what? Those pretty flowers are gonna die no matter what ya do, no need to put yourself through it to give them a few more days of air time, honey.”

All you could do was smile, even though the condescending attitude was killing you in more ways than one. To drive your fake expression of positivity home, you mustered that awful customer service voice that you’d summon when having to deal with some less than savoury individuals.

“It’s not that I don’t think you’re right, Hizashi. It’s just...I’m really dedicated to my job, and I have been for a long time. I don’t think we’ll be able to agree on this, but that’s not a big deal.”

He gave you a lasting look, as if trying to find answers that he wouldn’t get from spoken responses. Dismissively, the blond shook his head, unlocking the passenger door. “Alright, alright. I’m not gonna change my mind on this though. And ya better hold up your end of the deal either way. I don’t think Shouta or I could take another scare from you so soon, got it?”

Oh, you heard him loud and clear.

You nodded in agreement, “Of course, thanks for the ride home. Oh―feel free to tell me if you have to cancel any of our plans if something comes up too.” Hurriedly, you were collecting your handbag that was strewn across your lap, reaching for the handle and pushing the heavy door open.

“Sure thing, hun!” Inwardly, you cringed for the thousandth time this night at his unwelcome pet names, giving a final smile before gently shutting the car door.

The sound of rain lightly coming down around you, with the damp heaviness in the air felt like an atmospheric and emotional reset. One that you needed―your pent up anxieties were ready to break through the walls you put up since the second you stepped out of your apartment. And you almost forgot about them too, the feeling of consistent dread becoming something that lingered alongside all your other emotions. It never went away, and it’s not that you stopped noticing it completely, rather you had to push it down to keep up a calm facade.

And now, you didn’t dare glance back in Hizashi’s direction as you made your way to the front entrance of the complex. Because he would see the look on your face, lower lip quivering, eyes watering and expression just barely holding it together.

The distraction of a normal conversation was ripped from your body, and the prospect of having to worry about balancing work as usual without looking like a liar came crashing down on you.

You could only hope that the walls were thick enough for your neighbours to be protected from the sounds of your sobs.

_____

Petals grew with a lively plushness, leaves sprouting a new sense of vitality. It was a beautiful display of plant life.

And you grew tired.

Your most recent purchase of concealer was doing a good job dissuading people from that fact however. Even after a long work day, it remained masking the dark circles underneath your eyes. Nothing changed for a while, except for the notion that you were getting better at keeping the drawbacks of your dedication out of the spotlight.

Arrangement after tedious arrangement, your quirk brought life back into the greenery like it always did. You only wished you felt as healthy as you looked. The sight of a blemish free and lively complexion as a result of your new makeup routine made you a little jealous, knowing the truth.

You never felt so concerned and drained over the reality of your general state before now.

Those two heroes wanted you doing what they thought was best for you, which they had no right to decide. And although you resolved in secret to simply put up a front of agreeableness, their demands still had an effect.

Paranoia was one of them.

Having them walk in on your work shift unannounced was a slim possibility, but it was a possibility nonetheless. Ideally, you would save the fairly high priced makeup for those impending weekend nights spent with the two. Yet, the prospect of either of the heroes catching you off guard, and quite clearly unchanged from holding yourself back, kept you reapplying the product day after day.

You went into the ordeal with high hopes, but with each passing shift your doubts only became more incessant. Going through the motions of what was normally a mindless routine became taxing, even just days after seeing the two. And so, when the time rolled around a week later to give them what was pretty much a progress report passed off as a friendly get together, it was difficult to maintain a straight face.

No amount of astonishingly good food, or engaging stories by the fireplace could take your mind off the question that by all means should pop up.

And it did―merely proving your conceptions of what they really had in mind for nights like these. For some ungodly reason the two sought to control this part of your life, one that if it weren’t for them might not be a big issue. Without the emotional strain, your body would be able to handle the effects of utilizing your quirk in a way that was manageable.

It was their fault you felt as if the end of a work day couldn’t come sooner, and the fumes of energy you retained nearly weren’t enough to get you home each night.

And yet, as they sprung the expected question upon you, demanding to know if you were following through with your end of the ‘agreement,’ they seemed none the wiser to your blatant lies.

Well, aside from the fleeting glance Hizashi sent to Shouta, which was promptly disregarded, you’d effectively averted another crisis. It was back to settling into the background of their company, losing yourself in their words for the moment where the questionable reality of the situation went over your head.

Perhaps if you grew closer to the heroes under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t feel so gut wrenchingly apprehensive whenever you caught yourself coming to greatly enjoy your time with them. It was like an internal betrayal―your body unable to disregard the oppressive behaviour they exhibited, while simultaneously longing to have gratitude for their hospitable nature.

By the end of the night, the semi-forced meeting had you feeling as drained as any work day would, and then some.

In fact, you never fully recovered from it.

You only got worse, the need to apply more concealer and muster everything in your being to force a smile on your face during the day being the bane of your existence. It was all because of them, and they didn’t even know.

If you weren’t so miserable, you could almost laugh at the whole thing. They were the ones urging you to take better care of yourself, and yet it was them who were keeping you from doing so. It’s not like you could just heed their words and stop using your quirk―your livelihood depended on it. Tips were hard to come by in your occupation, and the only reason why you earned so much was due to the advantage you held in the workplace.

The frustration was what had you crying yourself to sleep some nights, at least when you weren’t too exhausted to simply pass out the second your head hit the pillow. You began devising ‘what if’ scenarios that would only have to do with ways to avoid Shouta and Hizashi. Ways to weasel your way out of meeting up with them.

Maybe you could fake being sick? They would just come check up on you regardless.

Perhaps you could move to another city? You didn’t have the funds―and what if they followed you?

Why don’t you just ask them to end the agreement?

...Don’t lie to yourself, you’d rather lose your job than face that level of confrontation.

They were an active nuisance even when they weren’t directly in your life. And so when they were present in that sense, the feeling of unbearable stress only increased tenfold.

Hizashi was one for texting, the sound of a message alert from your phone instinctively triggering your heart to drop in your chest like a Pavlov dog. A painful reminder in the times you managed to free your worrisome mind from their unintentional torment.

And then there was the unannounced visit from Shouta on your way home. It only happened once before the next dinner night, but it was enough to break down the wall you’d built for the ensuing occasion that would hopefully protect your weak heart from shattering under the stress.

He walked you home, catching you on your way back from work. It was peculiar, to say the least. A hero as busy as him actively ignoring his duties to see a civilian who was in no danger whatsoever back to their apartment. You initially questioned him, and he blew off the concern with the defence that this type of occurrence was very much in the rage of heroics that needed to be done.

You weren’t in danger, but you might’ve been if he hadn’t showed up. It was a logical action taken by him, and you shouldn’t worry about it.

Shouta was quiet on his feet, and you might’ve thought he’d left you be if it weren’t for that distinct rustling of his capture weapon shifting as he walked next to you. He was a man of few words, and seeing you home didn’t require much conversation when he was simply doing his duty as a hero.

You arrived at the complex, safe and sound. Physically at least.

As always, you had to adjust from keeping your anxieties to yourself, to being so overwhelmingly aware of them in the privacy of your own apartment. The floodgates were opened, and bottled up emotions no longer had a need to stay hidden. Coming home was never supposed to be so painful, but it was when you were forced to spend it trying to calm down from the chance day.

_____

They let you make dessert for your next meeting. The both of them were deeply impressed by your skills, offering their own extensive words of praise.

Expectedly, it wasn’t enough to have them forgetting the real reason why you were there. You were thankful when Shouta asked how you were doing this time―he always got straight to the point.

But you ended up yawning midway through dismissing their concerns, and of course they pressed you on it. It wasn’t intentional in the slightest. You didn’t want to give away that your limbs felt like they weighed a thousand pounds with how tired you were. Or how your existence could now be chalked up to getting ready for work, going to work, and recovering from work―with a sprinkle of uncontrollable meltdowns on the side.

You told them it was getting late, and they had offered you a drink, so naturally you were a little tired from it. No big deal, right?

Of course, they said.

And so you went home not too long after, Shouta in the driver's seat, stoic and silent as ever. Maybe it was your hazed over mind playing tricks on you, but his demeanour felt...off. Like he wanted to say something, but was holding himself back. Perhaps it was for your sake, or he just assumed you were too worn out to really take whatever words were floating around in his head to heart. So instead he kept a close eye on you the whole way home, stealing concerned glances that you never met with your own gaze. He was tense―the white knuckled grip on the wheel gave it away.

Shouta never gave you evidence as to why he was acting as such, and you never asked him to.

_____

While you may have been growing accustomed to their presence even in the slightest, it didn’t stop your body from shutting down in the areas that you needed most.

Resilience was your strong suit in the time before meeting the two men. But life was testing you around every corner, and you were failing these tests with worse results each time.

It was Wednesday, the halfway mark in another week that felt all too long for you to be able to stomach. Unforeseen obstacles were becoming a norm lately. Making sure you were stocked up on enough caffeine so you didn’t black out, pinching yourself to stay awake in the slower times at work, consciously paying attention simple actions so you didn’t trip over your own two feet. Generally, it was the small stuff that was making your life harder alongside the more glaring issues you faced.

And now, the obstacle was getting home. It’s not that this wasn’t always a task in itself, but it never developed past the routine of ensuring you were heading in the right direction when your mind chose to wander.

This time you were sure the route you were taking was correct, but something was in your way.

Your ears rung at the high pitched sirens going off around you. The flashing lights of firetrucks, ambulances, and other various first responder vehicles lit up the steeped darkness of the night. A crowd had formed at the police tape line blocking off one side of the street, the group effectively taking up any space left to get by on the other side that wasn’t bombarded by emergency personnel.

The sight seemed like an insurmountable feat, especially in your state. Physically and emotionally drained, the gathering of onlookers stood as one of your worst fears and largest challenges yet. Whatever had earned such an audience was beyond you. Realistically, you needed only to regard the response it was given to know that whatever had happened, it was quite serious.

And it was preventing you from moving forward.

There was the shortcut to your left, one that’d worked for you before...until it didn’t. The warnings of Shouta and Hizashi ran through your head, bringing on a new sense of anxiety. It was just what you needed―the words of the two most intimidating men in your life keeping you from seeing yourself home in a calm manner.

You couldn’t take the alleyway. The only option was right in front of you.

Deep breaths.

It was only roughly twenty or thirty feet of crowd. Tightly packed, and relatively unmoving. You didn’t have the heart to rudely shove your way through the condensed gathering, fearing the looks of disapproval from those you tried to get past. And so you weaved through slowly, barely getting out a passing “Pardon me,” or “Excuse me.”

Distantly, you were aware that your voice was so small amongst the muddled conversations of strangers and still blaring sirens, that the probability of anyone hearing your forced politeness was slim to none. But the action made you feel better, even if nobody knew that you were having these concerns. At least you were trying to be wary of others.

But you didn’t get the same care in return.

Rudely, an observing civilian shoved you to the side, selfishly trying to get a better view. You stumbled into another body, earning a curse of annoyance for your clumsiness. With a racing heart hammering in your ears, you gave a distressed apology. It earned you no leniency.

You can block them out, just focus on getting out of here.

Another harsh force collided with your back, sending you to the pavemented ground. The feeling of your knees scraping against the harsh surface didn’t register. The notion that tears were welling in your eyes didn’t either. Only the sensation of panic, and the ability to simply breath becoming more difficult was able to surface in your consciousness.

You pleaded with your body to stand up, and somehow you did, no thanks to anyone around you who could’ve very well assisted you. Through the thickness of the crowd you couldn’t even see where the bodies dissipated. All you could do was blindly move forward.

Nobody cared about how overwhelmed you quite obviously were. Or at least that’s what you thought, not being able to completely tell, or ask for help to hopefully alert someone of your extreme discomfort. They only needed to remove their focus from whatever scene warranted so much attention in front of them for a second to realize what they were unknowingly doing.

And yet, of course nobody was that conscious of their own actions. Not like you, who even amidst the chaos of being shoved in every which direction still desperately tried to minimize your own damage. It was for the sake of those who paid no mind for your own comfort, you fearing whatever might happen if you didn’t.

The presence of so many people was suffocating. If you didn’t think you were claustrophobic before, you certainly knew you were now.

You were exhausted, stressed, partly injured―although that fact still hadn’t set in yet―and unbearably on edge.

And then you were out.

You don’t remember going through the motions, just that now your body wasn’t compressed by countless others. A few seconds went by and you felt your sense of balance come back to you. But you still felt nauseous, and in lifting a hand to your face you realized that you were crying, feeling the distinct wetness against your fingers.

Out of the need for mental self-preservation, your brain essentially forced you into autopilot. You found your legs moving away from the crowd, and down the route that would lead you home. It amazed you by the time you shut the door to your apartment that you hadn’t passed out. The way you still shakily sucked in breaths in quick succession hadn’t stopped, and your hands could barely keep steady as you fumbled with the locks on the door.

The work bag weighing you down was unceremoniously dropped to the floor, and you tiredly trudged to the kitchen table. Had you gone any longer without rest, you could’ve very well collapsed right there on the floor. Thankfully, you made it to a chair before then, burying your face into your arms that were folded over the table as you slumped against it.

Tired and weak sobs wracked your worn out body, and you let the steady stream of tears be soaked up in the sleeve of your hoodie. As for how your mind was fairing, you couldn’t really tell. Getting a grip on your wavering thoughts felt impossible. It was an uncontrollable back and forth between what had happened, and fleeting attempts to ground yourself.

That task of focusing on the present wasn’t something you could do alone, at least not at the moment. But the sound of your phone ringing could. Your heart stopped at the auditory intrusion, and hesitantly you pulled the device out of your pocket.

The caller ID had you relapsing, broken cries unable to be contained for a few seconds as you tried to figure out how to deal with this new and greatly unappreciated problem. Your eyes scanned over the buzzing and lit up device, reading over Shouta’s name repeatedly.

You let the call go to voicemail.

A moment of reprieve―and then the ringtone started for a second time.

With bated breath, you stared at the device. You could let it go to voicemail once again. You could blow it off as not being near the phone when you were inevitably questioned on the occurrence.

Or you could answer the damn thing now, and be done with the weight of the night.

On the final ring before the automated response kicked in, you pressed the ‘accept call’ button. In lifting the phone to your ear, the gruff and concerned voice of Shouta broke through before you could make any move to initiate the dreaded conversation first.

“Sorry to bother you, just checking to see if you got home safe. There was an incident in your area in case you weren’t already aware…”

The line went silent as you took a moment to collect yourself before giving a response.

You sucked in a deep breath, “I’m alright, thanks for calling.” The appreciative lilt in your tone was as genuine as you could make it. But the shakiness, the crack in your voice as you spoke―it was a dead giveaway.

“...Then why do you sound like you’ve been crying for hours? You need to tell me if something happened, (y/n).” Even with the way the phone call distorted his voice, the sternness still pierced your resolve as if he was standing right in front of you.

Your words were shaky as you felt a plethora of distressing emotions bubbling rapidly inside of you. “I said I’m fine, Shouta. You don’t need to―”

“Don’t lie to me. You know I’m only asking because I’m worried about you, alright? Clearly something’s wrong, just―tell me what happened.”

You wondered if he was aware of just how unfriendly he sounded while saying something like that. It was more so a harsh command for a response, rather than a gentle urge to inform him of your wellbeing. Like he was bothered with you trying to remain strong, and not burdening him with your problems.

That was your issue with Shouta―a hint of what you could only assume was annoyance lingered in his words where you were concerned. At least, that’s how it was when you were behaving in such a manner that didn’t comply with how he’d decided you should act. You’d seen him in a light that was enjoyable. When you first met him, or after he’d already chewed you out during those Saturday nights and thus no longer felt the need to pressure you on what truth you’d developed over your state.

Unfortunately, right now your state went against all those lies you told. An emotional wreck, beaten down by the hands of those too caught up in some captivating scene to take account of the consequences to their ignorance.

Determination was wavering in your mind, and if you didn’t end the call soon then the chance of making all the effort you’d put into keeping them from the truth would be for nothing.

“Really, everything is okay. Listen, I’m sort of busy right now…” You stifled a sob into a clenched fist, “I-I can’t talk at the moment, I’m sorry―I have to go.”

Your finger was flying to the ‘end call’ button as soon as the words left your mouth. His protests rang through the speaker, but exactly what he said was beyond you.

The line went dead, and your phone shut off. It clattered against the wooden table as you dropped it. Your hands lifted to rub the hot tears falling down your cheeks, full body tremors wreaking havoc as you remained seated.

In the silence of your apartment, your emotions settled into a static numbness. Your eyes remained trained on the table, mindlessly taking in the details of the wood’s grain. Whatever would happen as a result of you abruptly cutting off the conversation wasn’t a scenario you could formulate.

The screen on your phone remained black, and you made no move to turn it on. You never checked it for the time that was passing as you remained utterly drained at the kitchen table. Something in the back of your mind told you that yes―you could very well get up and go to bed. Or maybe you could bring yourself out of this empty feeling with a distraction.

You could even call Shouta back, perhaps apologize for behaviour that was out of your control...

...No, you couldn’t do that.

Possibilities of various actions presented themselves, and yet you remained unmoving. Your breath had steadied to a slow intake and outtake, disregarding the quivering that still persisted. You didn’t want to think about what had happened, so you didn’t think at all.

You settled into that state for an unknown amount of time. And it took a while, but slowly you could focus on the background noise around you. The air conditioner hummed from the vents against the wall, the thumping of footsteps from residents above you sounded off a couple of times.

Actually...there were more than just those few footsteps.

Still in a daze, you trained your weak focus on that sound. Distant, then coming closer. You turned your head to the front door of your apartment where they stopped.

Three loud raps against the frame. Firm, steady, and done with purpose.

Your heart sunk into your chest.

(End of part 6)

_____

Taglist: @roseloverofpastels @shinsous-eye-bags @tjhonoluluprezstitch626 @pekusofixus @riathearora @glitterypinkkitty @elektraeriseros @hadesnewpersephone @axolotleyeliner

[whumpingcrow]

Pt. 12 "It's Already October?"

CW: PTSD themes, nightmares, insomnia, dishonesty about mental state, past noncon/dubcon mention, past abuse mention, emotional abuse, panic attack, tics/tourrettes, food mention, slapping mention, injury mention, blood, self harm (explicit), razor mention, bondage mention, drugs/alcohol (explicit), August is sort of in this one, oblivious caretaker, party setting, halloween setting (Let me know if I missed anything!)

(Note, as a general warning these two upcoming chapters are going to be pretty graphic with descriptions/intensity of the situation, and I really want to reinforce that I prefer if these stories are viewed by 18+ readers, and is read with discretion <3 -Crow)

The last time that Elias had talked to Allen, he had promised that things were going to start getting easier, that the pain and the fear would ebb and it would all begin to feel ok very soon. Elias was beginning to think that he had a different idea of 'soon' than Allen did, because he wasn't feeling like it was getting any better. If anything, it seemed like it was only going to keep getting worse. His nightmares were so violent and often that he didn't even put in effort to sleep anymore, he simply stayed up after the first time he was jolted out of his sleep. After that he would always sneak out of the room around Tyson and busy himself with something until he woke up as well. He was constantly tired, sure, but it was ridiculously hard to convince himself to close his eyes and force himself back into a nightmare once he was already awake. It made him feel incredibly ashamed, but he was getting rather good at hiding how much all of it was really wearing down on him from Tyson, how he wasn't allowing his injuries to heal, how he was always terrified and exhausted. Except that this didn't exactly go in his favor, because he was acting so good that Tyson decided he could go back to work.

"I'm not working the full shift, so I'll be back before you even know it. You'll probably sleep the whole time, won't even know I'm gone." He smiled at Elias, who was sitting at the edge of the bed watching him get ready. "If you need anything, you can call Leo or Allen, or me if you don't wanna call them."

Elias nodded, only out of obedience, he didn't want to bother anyone by calling them in the middle of the night. He could deal with it himself, just like he always did. "You look nice in your scrubs," he said, to deflect the attention off of himself, "like one of those hot doctors from that show."

Tyson laughed and flopped onto the mattress next to him. "Yeah? This pale blue really brings out my eyes, huh?" He melted as Elias laughed, the sound of it was light and, if he dared to think, happy. Maybe he was gonna be just fine, he seemed like he was doing alright so far. He was hopeful, and the fact that he was about to leave Elias alone all night and he was alright enough to be laughing had to be a good sign, right? It was ironic, but it seemed like Elias was less nervous about the whole situation than Tyson was. With a small sigh, he reached over and smoothed out a wrinkle on the sheets and mumbled, "I'm gonna miss you."

At that, Elias turned his gaze away from him, trying not to let his upset that he was leaving show. "You'll be too busy to miss me." He insisted, forcing as much humor into the sentence as possible.

"I highly doubt that." Tyson pulled him against his chest, kissing his cheek gently. When he thought about having to stand up to leave, dread filled his chest and weighed him down enough to stay put. He tried not to think about how someone might break in, how they might take Elias away from him again, how he would be powerless, so far away. August was in jail now, he reminded himself, Elias would be ok.

"You're gonna be late, Doctor." Elias teased him, pushing him away playfully. He smiled when Tyson sighed heavily and stood up, looking him up and down.

"Ok... I'll see you in the morning. Promise you'll call someone if anything happens?" He waited for Elias to nod, then grabbed his bag and turned to the door.

He only made it a few steps before he heard Elias stand up, his voice small and scared as he breathed, "Tyson, wait."

"Hm?" He looked over Elias, who had his arms wrapped around himself and looked like he might fall over any second. He was silent for a long time, squeezing his hands tightly around the materiel of his shirt, looking like he was too nervous to say what was on his mind.

"I love you," he finally muttered, "that's all. Have a good night."

Tyson grinned at him and crossed the room again to kiss him. "I love you too. Get some rest."

---------------------------------

Whatever movie was playing on the TV was boring, Elias couldn't seem to focus on it. He had been sitting on the couch the majority of the night, smoking weed every time he felt uneasy. He got up a few times to double-check that the door was locked, just to make himself feel a little better. It was painfully lonely without Tyson, without the simple knowledge that there was someone else in the house with him. He debated calling him, just to hear his voice, but he didn't want to take him away from his work. Then he wondered if maybe he should call Allen, that he might have some advice about being alone. Really he felt like he just needed someone to talk to, someone to tell him that he was doing alright.

"Everything you're doing is wrong," August was sighing, shaking his head disdainfully. The disappointed glare in his deep blue eyes could've killed Elias, made his chest ache so painfully every other injury he'd ever gotten from August paled in comparison. August was a monster, a sadistic devil of a man who's main goal seemed to be causing everyone else around him misery. So then, Elias found himself wondering time and time again, why was displeasing him so upsetting? Why did Elias feel like he was crumbling to pieces without his approval? "Tyson's too soft on you. But you know that, of course, don't you sweetheart?"

"I'm trying to do what you taught me it's just...he doesn't care. I don't know what to do."

"Yes you do. You've got to be punished, my love." Just like always, his voice was disgustingly honeyed, even as August grabbed him by the throat and pinned him to the ground. Elias didn't even see him grab them, but there were the ropes again, tight around his wrists as always, and Elias couldn't move, and he could see the glint of the razor inching closer to his skin.

"August please God, no! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please I'll do better!" He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, August was going to slice into him again and he couldn't handle anymore pain.

"You know you need it, Elias. Remember, it's to help you be better. Don't you want to be better?" His voice was sweet, almost caring, even with the corner of the razor digging into his skin.

Elias didn't remember falling asleep, but all at once he was bolting off of the couch and gasping in frenzied breaths, looking around the dimly lit room for any sign of danger. He was alone still, there was no one with him. As soon as he realized it was only a nightmare, he blindly reached forward until his hand brushed the glass pipe on the table. He didn't waste any time pulling it toward him so that he could get high again. Even though the smoke made him cough, he felt like he could breathe a little better the foggier his head got. He checked his phone, disappointed when he saw Tyson hadn't checked up on him yet and that it would still be hours until he got back. Without meaning to, he thought back to the nightmare, what August was saying. His subconscious August, at least.

Would he feel better if someone hurt him? Would it make him stop lying and hiding what he was feeling if he just got into trouble for it once? He knew Tyson wouldn't ever lay a hand on him, and August was long gone. But the more he lingered on the idea, the more he realized how much he needed the pain. His anxiety only began to worsen again as he dwelled on it, so he stood up and tried to busy himself by cleaning up. It helped for a bit, he was mostly distracted enough that he didn't think of the nightmare or the idea of being punished, until he got to the bathroom.

He was paralyzed the second he saw the large straight razor sitting menacingly on the shelf of the medicine cabinet, similar to the one August had used on him. He could feel the sharpness of it without even touching it, he was familiar with the sting and the burn that came when it was dragged heavily against his skin, he remembered the dull soreness of the injuries when they started healing. What he didn't know was how it would feel to hold it, though, he had never been allowed to touch it in that way. He wondered how heavy it would be, if it would be cold or not. His hand was trembling as he reached out and picked it up, his breath bated as he looked it over. It was so god damn sharp. If someone were to hold it to his skin and just ruin him, he imagined it would probably be like pushing a reset button, like he would be brand new when it was all over. At the thought, he set it down and pulled his sweatshirt off, not even bothering to look at himself in the mirror, grabbing the razor again once his shirt was on the floor. There was nothing he wanted more than to cry at the dangerous thoughts running through his head, but at the same time this felt like the only option. He placed the razor over the healing cuts on his forearms, taking a few ragged breaths to gain some courage.

-----------------------------

Tyson felt bad when Elias flinched awake as he crawled into bed with him, he seemed to be sleeping so peacefully. He looked lost and scared as he sat up, squinting through the dark at Tyson.

"Just me, love. I was gonna come sleep with you for a bit, is that ok?" He asked him, finding his hand on the blanket and brushing his fingertips over it.

Elias's shoulders dropped back to relaxed and he moved closer to Tyson, allowing him to pull him against his chest as they laid back down. "How was work?" He whispered.

"It was alright. How was your night?" He rubbed up and down his back, trying not to be bothered as he felt his spine underneath his hand.

Elias was silent for a while, then he cleared his throat. "I missed you a lot. It was lonely here."

"Yeah, I bet. Did you sleep well? I mean, before I woke you up."

"Uh...yeah, sort of. I stayed up late though. Watched a movie." He snuggled closer to Tyson, against his bare chest, sighing at the warmth.

They talked for a little longer, until Tyson was too tired to stay awake, and then Elias just stayed close to him and listened to him breathing for a long time. He couldn't fall asleep again, mostly because he didn't want to wake Tyson up if he had a nightmare, but also because he couldn't get comfortable with all of the new cuts on his arms.

There was a lot more blood than Elias was expecting, and he was too shocked to move for a second as he watched the red ribbons stream down his skin, and then a sort of sick calm washed over him. He didn't remember it feeling this relieving when August did it, but, God, did it feel like a breath of fresh air. So he just kept going, and soon he was covered in blood, like he was used to, and he turned off the light and sat at the bottom of the shower for awhile until the bleeding stopped.

--------------------------

After the sun started to shine through the curtains, Elias slipped out of Tyson's arms carefully and made his way to the kitchen, busying himself by making breakfast. He made himself some coffee while he waited for the french toast to cook, then he began to cut up some fruit. It felt odd to hold the knife after hurting himself the night before, and he found himself shaking slightly. He was doing everything he could to stay busy, he felt like if he stopped moving he would sit down and fall asleep, and he couldn't handle another nightmare. He didn't want to see August anymore, he wanted it to really be over, and when he was dreaming about him it was like actually being around him again.

"That smells amazing." Tyson remarked as he came into the kitchen. Elias jumped hard, nearly dropping the knife that he was holding.

"Jesus," he huffed, trying to breathe so his heart would stop racing, "I didn't know you were awake."

Tyson sighed as he leaned against the counter, looking around at all the food. "I just woke up."

Tyson looked so good, his dark, curly hair was messy, his face was still tired and he was shirtless and his voice was gruff from sleep. Elias set the knife down as carefully as he could and walked over to him, wrapping his arms around his torso and hugging him close. "Well, good morning, then."

"Good morning. How long have you been awake?"

"Oh, uh...I um..."

"Did you go back to sleep after I got home?" He pulled away from Elias and inspected his face. He had dark circles under his eyes, but he couldn't really tell if it was from lack of sleep or the healing bruises. Tyson knew he was getting thinner from holding him, but now that he was looking at him harder, he could see it in his face, too. He frowned as Elias shook his head, then placed his hand over his cheek.

"I'm sorry," Elias choked out, fearful over the disdainful look on Tyson's face, "I tried to, I just couldn't...I just didn't wanna have another nightmare-"

"Hey, it's ok, love. You've got nothing to be sorry about."

Even though his voice was nothing but sweet and loving, Elias turned away from him with a frustrated sigh. "For fucks sake, Tyson!" He groaned, grabbing the counter to steady himself. "I'm fucking up so bad why cant you just, like, fucking yell at me or something!?"

Tyson was shocked at the outburst, gawking at him for a moment, left speechless. He was angry at him for not being angry? Allen had been similar when he first got back, tried everything he could think of to get the people around him to see that he was bad, that he was deserving of pain, but that stopped for the most part once he realized that the people around him were safe and wouldn't hurt him even if he wanted them to. He could see Elias shaking where he stood and he felt helpless in that moment, like there was no way he could comfort him.

"Elias," he said softly, stepping carefully toward him, "you have been through more pain and fear than anyone should have to deal with in their entire lifetime. I can't imagine how hard it is for you to adjust after that, and I'm not going to punish you because you're having a hard time."

Suddenly, Elias burst into tears, caving in on himself as his shoulders shook in sobs. "You don't understand! I'm so...I need...I need you to fucking...! God fuck Tyson!"

"Baby calm down." Tyson moved to grab his shoulders in some attempt to soothe him, but Elias turned and shoved his arms away, stumbling back from him. "Elias, please-"

"Shut the fuck up! Shut up Tyson, stop being so fucking nice to me!" He covered his face as he cried, sinking down to the floor with a thud. Tyson sat down across from him, hands to himself, and watched as he began to rock back and forth a little.

"I love you Eli-"

"Stop it! Please stop it!"

"-I love you so much and you're not doing anything wrong."

Elias only got more hysteric at that, his breathing so quick and labored that Tyson was worried he might pass out. When Elias began to tic and hit his injured hand against the ground, Tyson grabbed his wrist to hold him still. Elias fought harder, screaming to be let go, for Tyson to "stop fucking touching him!" and thrashing in his grip. He wasn't going to calm down, not like this, not on his own, and he was hurting himself, so Tyson had no other choice. In one quick movement, he slapped Elias across the face.

He felt bad instantly, of course, but Elias grew still, apart from his body trembling and his shoulders rising and falling with his labored breathing. He looked up at Tyson, fear etched into every detail of his face. After a few seconds of silence, he dropped his head down and took a deep breath.

"Th-thank you," he breathed, his voice just as shaky as his body, "thank you, Tyson."

Tyson shook his head, fighting the tears in his eyes as he stood up. "Come here."

Elias slowly pushed himself to his feet, sniffling a few times and trying to steady his breathing. He stiffened when Tyson grabbed his shoulders, only bowing his head further in submission. He fought the familiar dread he usually had when August was only just beginning a punishment, when he knew he was going to be weak and broken and near death in a moment. Logically, he knew Tyson wouldn't hurt him as bad as August would, but after being hit, his brain went right back to that same fearful, trained head-space.

"Look at me, baby," Tyson whispered. When Elias shook his head and grew even more tense, Tyson took a step toward him. "Eli, angel," he cooed, tilting his face up until he grudgingly made eye contact. "Are you ok?"

Elias nodded eagerly, eyes still wide and terrified. "M'ok." He insisted. Tyson knew it was just because he thought it was what he wanted to hear, he could still see the fear and the pain written on his face.

"I'm so sorry I hit you. I won't do it again." He wiped the tears from his face as he spoke. His cheek was red from where he hit him, and Tyson's heart sank further. "I love you so much, Elias, I never want to hurt you. Ever."

Elias forced a small smile, nodding his head. "It's ok. I love you." He flinched a fraction as Tyson stooped down to hug him, then melted into his arms. He closed his eyes and took a few more deep breaths. He counted to ten, then pulled away and cleared his throat. "Your breakfast is gonna get cold."

--------------------------------

Tyson couldn't be sure if it was just because he had been hit earlier and now wanted more than ever to please him or if he genuinely wanted to, but he was surprised when Elias insisted they go to Leo and Allen's for the Halloween party they'd been invited to. When Tyson brought it up, it was mostly just to let Elias know that they were thinking of him, that he had friends who wanted to see him, he wasn't expecting him to want to go. Initially, Elias was just shocked that it was already Halloween, had he been with August for that long...? Had it already been almost two weeks since he'd last seen him? He tried not to act too bothered about how much it shook him up, realizing he'd completely lost his sense of time lately. But once Elias said that he would love to go, Tyson gladly agreed, promised Elias that if it got uncomfortable or overwhelming they would leave. Elias was amused with Tyson's makeshift costume, his tight red shirt and cheap devil horn head band. He looked ridiculously attractive, and here Elias was in his oversized hoodie he'd been wearing for days and an added jacket, his hair and face were both an absolute mess. He felt ugly, not that he didn't always feel like that lately, but as long as Tyson was distracting him he wasn't really thinking about it.

The party had a lot more people than either of them were expecting, the house was buzzing with conversation and music and loud laughter, and Elias was instantly intimidated. He reached for Tyson's hand and stood close to him, looking down at his shoes as he was guided through the crowd.

"Hey! I didn't think you guys would come!" Someone was saying. Elias looked up for a split second to see it was Leo, who was grinning ear to ear. Elias was envious of his carefree happiness, and he wanted to sob when Tyson let go of his hand to hug Leo. "How are you, Elias?"

He flinched at the sound of his own name, snapping his eyes up to Leo. He hated being addressed like that, like a person, because every time he could hear August pounding it into his brain that he was less than human, that he wasn't important enough to be spoken to, that he was only alive because August allowed it, because August wanted to use him, because he was a punching bag, because he was a sex toy, because-

"I'm fine," he choked out, forcing a tight smile. "Do you have any booze?"

Leo frowned at him in confusion, then looked to Tyson for some sort of explanation. When he only responded with a simple shrug, Leo turned his attention back to Elias. "Uh...yeah. Yeah, it's in the kitchen."

Elias thanked him and turned away from them both, weaving through people until he found himself in the kitchen. Only a few people were in there with him, one of them being Allen, who looked just as uncomfortable as Elias. He was wearing a tee shirt and bow tie, which was the most low effort costume Elias had ever seen. He would have laughed, if he wasn't so hell bent on getting himself drunk so he could handle being here.

"Hey," Allen said, smiling a little, "I didn't know y-you were here."

"Yeah, just got here. Ty's with Leo." As he spoke, he poured himself a shot of tequila, holding his breath so he wouldn't tic and spill it. He threw it back, gagging on the taste, on the memories of August forcing him to take shot after shot of the burning drink because he was more fun when he was drunk, he was told. "What are you supposed to be?" He asked. Allen's eyes were on him as he filled up the shot glass again, then grimaced as he set it down and reached for something to chase it with.

"Oh, I dunno. I've n-never really done this whole Halloween party thing." He shifted his weight, chewing his lip. "What about you?"

Elias didn't answer him, shaking his head. "Can we please go somewhere quiet? This sucks."

Allen laughed, "yeah, it does, huh? Wanna go sm-smoke?" After Elias agreed, Allen took his hand and led him out to the backyard. There were a few other people, but they were dispersed enough that they found a place far away from everyone quickly.

"Tyson hit me today," Elias said suddenly, looking at the ground as he smoked, "I can't even remember why. I just...I just remember I was on the floor and he hit me."

Allen was shocked into silence for a moment, then he took a deep breath and leaned against the wall they were standing at. "Was he mad at you?"

Elias felt on the verge of tears then, couldn't speak over the lump in his throat. "He didn't seem mad, he said he was sorry after. I think he just...I think he just felt like hitting me."

Allen shook his head. "No, Tyson isn't like August. He wouldn't just hit you because he wanted to." When he looked up at Elias, he was surprised to see his cheeks wet with tears and a tight frown on his face. "Hey, it's ok, Elias. It's ok."

"No, it isn't. I'm so fucking exhausted." He dropped his head into his hands and fought the sobs shaking his shoulders. "I can't sleep and I can't eat and I feel like I'm fucking up every little thing-" he froze up when he felt Allen's arms around him, holding him tight. For a second he was stunned into silence, then he really began to cry.

"You're gonna be alright," he was saying, "right now, you're in the hardest part of it, but it's gonna get better." He pulled Elias closer as his weak, broken whimpers shook his small frame. He didn't remember ever being in this much despair, sure, he was confused and scared and hurting, but for the most part he was just relieved that he was safe. How long had Elias been back, a week and a half? When Allen had been back for that long, he was focusing on trying to get his life back together, trying to mend relationships and himself and feel as normal as he could. Elias seemed to be breaking apart over and over again. August must've been so cruel to him.

When Elias slowly stopped crying, he pulled himself out of Allen's grip and took a deep breath. "I um...I'm gonna go get another drink. Thanks for uh, talking to me."

"Yeah, of course. Let me know if you need anything." Allen watched as he stood up and limped back into the house.

[missdawnandherdusk]

MuggleBorn Dating a Disaster Twin Weasley Extensive Headcanons:

A/n: So, who thought that this was a Draco only blog? Well, GUESS WHO WAS WRONG? me. It was me. But I’m a softie for a few other HP characters, of which are the Weasley twins. Thanks for the request @peachesandpinks!!! 

Also, this is super long again. I apologize for nothing. 

Okay we’re going with George here because he’s a bean so is Fred but ya know.

McGonagall is the one who delivers your letter and explains everything to you and you’re parents and you about have a mental breakdown because “well, of course, I noticed I do some weird stuff but magic are you serious?”

McGonagall is just not having it. Especially when she realizes that this is also the twins' first year as well because good lord more Weasleys??

Anyway, you’re in a train compartment by yourself because you don’t really know anyone and you can’t find your cousin who also attends Hogwarts so you’re just provolone

You’re about asleep when your compartment door slams shut and you jump up, seeing two boys with bright red hair grinning and hiding

“Um hello?”

They both shush you and pull you down with them. You hear yells and a very angry voice walk right past your compartment and the boys snicker

“Oh Percy, when will you realize,” “you can never escape us,” they’re grinning like madmen and you’re just so confused

“Um... guys?” You squeak. “Oh, right,” one says. “Sorry about that,” the other replies. “Fred and George Weasley,” the first hold his hand out for you to shake. You do. Hesitant.

“Who’s who?”

“What do you mean?” The second asks. “Who’s Fred and who’s George?” You clarify slightly annoyed. “Fred, George, respectively.” The first—Fred—grins. “And the prat out there is our brother Percy,” George flashes the same smile.

You study them, trying to pick out the differences between them. You can’t find anything except—Fred has dark brown eyes and George has slightly greener ones.

“Oi. What are you doing?” George asks.

“Trying to tell you two apart?”

That baffles both of them because let’s face it— it might be a joke but even their own mother has a hard time at that

You’re eternally grateful that you’re sorted into Gryffindor with them

You become their new favorite person. Especially after they find out you’re Muggle-born. Fred tries to corrupt you with fake facts and sometimes so does George. Most times you can tell if it’s real or not but on the occasion you can’t, you’ll look to George and his either nod or shake his head

They also bombard you with muggle based questions asking what it’s like and how you do certain things

They’re just goofballs and it’s nice to not be so serious all the time. When you’re studying and fretting over your first Potions exam George comes in and asks if you wanna see something cool and then you meet up with Fred and proceed to prank Filch who had it out for you the moment you were late for class. Not that it’s your fault you don’t know where you’re going and everything looks the same

Whenever you’re falling behind on spells or charms, George is the first to volunteer to help you out because let’s face it he’s brilliant with magic But not so good with facts and memorizing, so you help him out with History of Magic and Herbology

It’s always a game to see if you can still tell them apart. “Geroge,” No I’m Fred,” No you’re George, I just spent the last hour studying with Fred,” “no that was me!” “Ha! The past hour I was working on Potions alone! You are George!” Maybe he sulks a bit because you outsmarted him but part of him wonders did you really know it was him?

Of course, you knew it was George. His eyes crinkle when he smiles and Fred’s don’t

You might not be good at pranks, but you are brilliant for thinking out all the flaws and lying your way out of just about anything which makes the three of you quite scary and unstoppable

When you do get caught, McGonagall lets you all off easy because you three remind her of another group of mischievous Gryffindors

Their mother totally sends you a Christmas sweater

Over the holidays you actually miss your friends. You had more friends than just the twins, but it wasn’t the same without them.

Second-year comes and the twins make the Quidditch team and insist that you learn how to fly on a broom

“Oh come on!” “It’ll be fun!”

“Guys really, I don’t like heights and I’d rather keep my feet on the ground,” you insist.

They grin at each other and George grabs you and kicks off the ground and suddenly you’re very high and terrified. You scream and cling to him and he’s laughing but you’re just so scared and it’s not funny which maybe makes them laugh more because it’s just a silly prank

When you stop talking to them for a few days they realize that “oh Merlin we messed up.” Well, George realizes it first when you’re having trouble in Transfiguration but you refuse his help and take the failing grade

He tries to apologize. A lot. But you never quite seem to be in the right place at the right time.

So he puts his inventing skills to good use and charms a paper into a snitch and it lands on your desk. Begrudgingly you open it.

“I really am sorry. Please don’t be mad. I didn’t know, I won’t prank you ever again. ~George”

You thaw a little and smile at him.

And maybe you do show up at his first quidditch game despite swearing you’re not going

His heart soars when he sees you and Fred has to whack him to make him pay attention.

You keep going to their Quidditch matches... begrudgingly. You’re still a bit sore after their prank on you and you’re not one for Quidditch, to be honest but you go because it makes them George happy and smiles

To be fair it is one of the most stressful things you’ve seen because quidditch is dangerous even more so than muggle sports and you don’t care how many potions or spells are out there it’s not safe they think your rants against quidditch are cute and you just huff and storm away

The point is proven in third year when George gets knocked off his broom by a Slytherin and nearly falls to his death. You scream in terror and are the first on the field next to him

He makes a joke about “falling for you” and you want to hit him with a burning passion but he’s hurt so you refrain. For now.

You fall asleep on his hospital cot because Pomfrey insists on keeping George overnight to make sure the bones reset correctly

You wake up and see the same familiar smile and his hazel eyes crinkle and you’re heart flutters when he’s healed you do hit him and scold him about being reckless. Everyone in the Great Hall laughs because he gets the same lecture from his mother in a Howler

Everyone totally ships you two and Fred has tried many a time to get you two to admit your feelings for each other. He even tried to trick you into thinking he was George but you knew the difference. Of which he will never understand how you just know

With third-year coming means it’s the first year with their little brother Ron and their older brother Percy is a prefect and you can tell that the twins feel a little lost in the middle of it

So you start to plan very elaborate pranks for the twins

You’re their “godfather” of the prank operations with aid of the marauders' map then you have to explain what The Godfather is and finally you have to make them sit down and watch the movies

With a mini projector, you bring from home and charm so that it'll work because good lord you missed watching movies. The entire Gryffindor house gets in on movie nights and other muggle-borns are so hyped for a bit of normalcy

Fred has the ideas but Merlin, George can make them a reality and it just baffles you on how his mind works because he’s absolutely brilliant and it’s not fair

Sometimes George comes to you needing muggle ideas or perspective. Fred finds you two geeking out late at night in the common room and maybe hugging when you two figure out how to make something work. It’s awkward and blushing and Fred is not helping

Fourth-year comes and it’s the first year with their younger sister Ginny and she absolutely enamored with you because you’re like a sister to her

When the Chamber of Secrets opens George flips out and tracks you down because this thing is taking down Muggle-borns. Now you hardly go without having a protection squad of the Weasley twins and you just want a moment alone

Which means you go off on George one night “Just leave me alone! I’m fine! Nothing is going to happen to me!” You shout. “And what if something does happen! Do you think I could live with myself knowing you got hurt or worse!?” He yells back. “And why do you care!? What difference does it make!?” He just stammers and storms away and you stare after him wondering what the hell just happened. 

You find yourself in the Astronomy Tower alone. “Merlin Y/n!” You turn and see Fred. “Okay, I know that you’re great at pranks but this is really not funny,” “What do you mean?” You wipe the tears off your face. “George is going mad with worry right now! He thinks that you’re dead!” “Why would he care?” You mumble. “Oh, you two are impossible!” Fred exclaims and walks off. 

You hear someone else come up to the tower and you think it’s Fred again. You tell him to go away. 

“I thought you knew the difference between us?” 

You look up and see George. You cross your arms and look down. “Come to yell at me some more?” You mumble. He sits down beside you. “Sorry,” He mutters. “I didn’t mean to yell at you,” A silence falls between you. “You... you’re my best friend, other than Fred, and I don’t want anything happening to you...” “You’re my best friend too, George, but... I can handle myself. I... I feel like you don’t think I can do it on my own when you step in. I know you’re trying to protect me, but... I feel like you think I can’t measure up because I’m a muggle-born.” “Never! Stars! I would never want you to feel like that!” George is horrified. “I’m so sorry that I made you feel that way,” You nod and lay your head on his shoulder. 

He lays off on being so overprotective and you don’t snap at him as much when he does get protective over you. Fred is dying inside because you two are so blind and Merlin you’re both his friends but he wants to lock you in a closet and not let you out until someone confesses something

Can you imagine the pun wars between you two? You once were up to a hundred cat puns in front of McGonagall that she actually gives you two detention because she also ships it and maybe some alone time together will get you two together. It doesn’t work

Fred being Fred hatches a plan with the rest of your friends to get you two to confess your feelings. It’s a ‘casual’ game of seven minutes in heaven. Fred totally bewitched the bottle to land on you when George spins it

You are absolutely red when you realize that you have to spend seven minutes with George in a wardrobe. But you’re not backing down and neither is George because damn it if you’re going to let Fred be smug about this or taunt you

But now you're very close to George in a dim space only lit by your wands and you’re both redder than his hair

“Look, we don’t have to...” He stammers. “It’s just a...” “Yeah,” You blush deeper, really noticing the green in his eyes. And he smiles and there’s that crinkle in his eyes that you love and then you’re kissing him. You’re kissing your best friend in a wardrobe while his brother is snickering outside. 

He pulls away, baffled. “You uh,” “Yeah,” You breathe out. “You wanna...?” “Just kiss me, red,” “Red?” He smirks and you roll your eyes pulling his tie to kiss you again. 

Seven minutes is a lot shorter when you’re having the revelation that you’re in love with your best friend and now he's kissing you in the dark. Fred pulls the wardrobe door open and George slams it back in his face and you burst out laughing and lean against him, feeling safe in his arms

Fred will not shut up about “I told you so!” as you’re curled up in George’s lap in the common room, studying for Transfiguration.

okay off-topic but George gets the entire Gryffindor team to choreograph “Did I Mention” from the Descendants after his next Quidditch game and you’re just laughing at your goofball and grinning because he’s just so ridiculous and Merlin you love him

George is the sweetest boyfriend ever. You’re still best friends but now he gets to kiss you whenever he wants and hold your hand and now he has an excuse to be protective. “I’m your boyfriend! It’s my job!” 

You hex him and remind him that you can handle yourself just fine and he just loves you more

“Georgie / Red / Pretty boy” and “Sunshine / Smiles / Beautiful” Just all the nicknames

You scold them both when they start prototypes for their theoretical joke shop because it’s dangerous and you care about your boys and man are they babies when they’re hurt. Not that you have a problem with taking care of them

Geroge invites you to the Burrow for Christmas and is super nervous and tripping over his words because he knows his family and that he doesn’t have the nicest things and he wants to give you the world but he knows he can’t but you roll your eyes and ruffle his hair

Mrs. Weasley absolutely adores you. “No, please dear just call me mum,” She ushers you around the Burrow and scolds George for not being a proper gentleman, and when he starts to say he’s Fred you give him a look and he grumbles. Mrs. Weasely doesn't understand how you can tell them apart and asks for your secret. You admit that their eyes are different and that George’s eyes crinkle when he smiles

“How in the stars did you figure that out?” George asks. “The day on the train, our first year,” you admit. “Remember you asked me what I was doing?” Everyone watching just “aww”s and you’re blushing

Mr. Weasely asks you about a thousand questions about being muggles. Your shirts, your books, your pens, your dishwashers... When you’re overwhelmed with questions, both George and Fred are defending you

You’re mystified about how magic works in a domestic setting and you want George to explain everything and all his fears about not having the best or newest things fades because technically everything is new to you and your little muggle self

When George visits you over the summer your parents absolutely love him. Somehow he knows how to be polite and a gentleman and your goofball is mature and charming and you’re not so nervous anymore and wow you love him especially when he’s still a goofball when you’re alone 

Your muggle tech and home mystify him the same way that his home mystifies you and he gets it. He loves your lava lamp and Star Wars and Grease the Musical 

When it comes to his family, of course, you love Fred, you haven’t met Bill, but Charlie is a darling and you both geek out over dragons because dragons. Percy still gets on your nerves but you think that it’s just second hand from your boys, Ron is best friends with the “chosen one” which doesn’t mean a lot to you because you didn’t know about “Harry Potter” until you got to Hogwarts. You and Ginny go out every once in a while as just girls to get a break from the testosterone you love George but sometimes you need a break

You think that fifth year it’s a good idea to give Harry the map because of Sirius Black and convince the boys to give it up. They sulk about it but agree

As you grow older, your pranks grow a lot more elaborate and better executed but you always make sure that they stay safe for everyone involved

You’re still wary about George and Fred playing Quidditch, but one night George knocks on your window, riding his broom, grinning. 

“What are you doing!?” You hiss, looking around to make sure no one can see him. “Fly with me,” He offers his hand. “George,” You whine. “I don't like-” “I’m not going to let you fall,” His voice is so soft and sincere that you give in and now you're clinging to him, as you soar over the castle. You don’t dare look, but with his arms wrapped tightly around you, you’re not so scared anymore. And maybe you do look. He beaming at you and looks so happy that you can’t help but smile back. You never want to fly on your own broom, but you don’t mind riding with George not and again

You comfort George when Ron becomes a prefect, and the comment from his mother really gets to him. “Just a twin,” He mutters, “No,” You retort. “You’re George. My George. Whose eyes have green in them and crinkle when he smiles. Who has more freckles than Fred and is better in class even slightly. You’re brilliant and an inventor and deserve the world,” “How do you know I have more freckles than Fred? Are you looking at him too?” He jokes and you laugh, knowing he feels better and it’s not a defense mechanism because you really do know him. 

Your parents meeting one another is just hysterical. At first, it’s in a public setting in the wizarding world because your parents aren't used to magic just yet. Mr. Weasly has another thousand questions and both moms fawn over the two of you as a couple and it has you both bright red.

You don’t see him the over the next summer because you get a muggle job and he picks up odd jobs so that you two can have date money of which you insist on paying for half of because he might be your boyfriend, but you can handle yourself and well, it’s not the middle ages anymore

 But Merlin, sixth year his hair has grown out and he’s grown about half a foot and you are a lovestruck goner. Everyone can tell the twins apart better this year because their hair is different, but nothing changes for you, you still look for George’s smile. 

You help them perfect their age spell to get their names into the goblet, knowing full well it won’t work, but it’s cute to see them try. 

He’s so awkward and fumbling over his words when he asks you to the Yule Ball and you laugh and ask him to the Ball instead Promposal style 

“You might be a Beater but I’m Seeking a Ball date and you’re a Keeper”

He’s bright red and everyone in the Great Hall cheers. Now there are cheesy muggle Promposals everywhere and you’re damn proud of your influence 

You get your drivers license along with your Apperating license “Why would you get a driver’s license? You can Apperate!” George points out. He shuts his mouth when he sees you pull up to the Burrow on a Harley motorcycle and he bloody loves that you have a license because damn his girlfriends is hot and also a very bad influence on Charlie who gets a bike too and you guys now have matching dragonhide leather jackets

Dolores Umbridge has met her match with you. “There’s nothing in the rules that says I can’t dye my hair bright blue,” “I’m sorry, Professor, can you go over that again? I don’t quite understand what you mean by that wand movement... must be my stupid muggle background,” “My apologies ma’am but can you please explain your exact problem with me being here?” She fears the days you raise your hand in class it’s your senior year and you don’t really give a damn. A lot of educational degrees are your fault and now it's a game to see who can get the most between the three of you

Whenever Malfoy or his friends try to insult your blood status you laugh because it's like being threatened by a chihuahua even though everyone else is furious and ready to hex the crap out of the little prat

You are absolutely furious when Fred and George get banned from the Quidditch team that you actually consider joining to spite Umbridge

George rolls his eyes and pulls you close because he knows you’ll never get onto a broom. 

Except for the day that he and Fred quit school. You follow their lead and you’re gone, leaving Hogwarts behind you. George is furious, but you shrug. You never wanted to pursue a Magic job, you were quite okay living with the best of both worlds and besides, they needed someone to do the professional/design side of their new business

You go to a muggle university after working it out with McGonagall on how to get your grades transposed over. You study the classics and Latin and broaden your horizons and think of starting a muggle/wizard school

But then the war starts. You join the Order of the Phoenix and put uni on hold until your Wizarding world is safe. You work with muggles and muggle-born kids at Hogwarts underground, making sure they’re safe too. 

You, George, and Fred are hardly seen without the other. It’s always the three of you in the shop or at the Burrow, or anywhere. “The Twins” now includes you. 

You and Tonks are a forced to be reckoned with. They thought the Twins were bad? It has Remus and George in a mix of fear and awe at both of you

You visit your parents at least twice a month, after moving them to West California far away from the war. You don’t explain everything but they’re not exactly complaining about a condo on the beach paid for by your savings from co-running the joke shop

You and George share a bed at night because you both need the reassurance and you have terrible nightmares that only George seems to know how to calm you down from and make you laugh after

When you get the summons to appear in court to Umbridge to prove that you’re a wizard, you walk in, hand in hand with George, in your Bon Jovi cropped t-shirt, bright blue hair, Converse trainers, throw your family history on her desk and walk out, flipping her off on the way off and George almost proposes on the spot

You wait with Molly the night that they transport Harry, waiting for your boys to come home and you nearly have a heart attack when you see George is hurt and you're about sobbing and Fred is holding you and then George makes a stupid joke to make you two laugh

You refuse to leave his side after that and he pokes fun at you “I remember a certain someone arguing about when I hovered over her because I was afraid she was going to get hurt,” You pout and he laughs, pulling you into a kiss. “This is different,” You grumble. “You are hurt,” “And thanks to you, I’m healing quite well,” He grins. You still hover. Just in case 

At Bill and Fleur’s wedding, he does get all nervous about the idea and Fred breaks the ice saying that "When I get married, I won’t be bothering with any of this nonsense. You can all wear what you like, and I’ll put a Full Body-Bind Curse on Mum until it’s all over." and you laugh holding onto the hope that one day the world might be safe enough to actually get married and settle down

You co-host Potterwatch and figure out the charms to the radio so that it does change channels and requires a password you also really get into healing magic because you know a war is coming, and though you’re not much of a fighter, you have a knack for fixing things as well as mixing muggle and magic for better results

The Battle of Hogwarts comes and both twins try to convince you to stay back but hell if you’re letting them stop you “I’ll be sick with worry, you’ll be worrying about me, and it won’t be good. We need to stay together,” You whisper to George one night. 

Something breaks in you when you watch Fred die and maybe it’s the notion you had against killing someone with a “muggle” gun, because the pistol just feels so right in your hand as you take down the Death Eater. The gun was your dad’s. He gave it to you when you told him there was a war coming and you cried when he did and always carried it with you

The fighting seems to be over and the Death Eaters are gone or dead but you’re still on edge. You hear someone come up behind you and you raise the gun and your wand but it’s George. He’s bloody and bruised but alive and you drop the gun and your wand and run into his arms. 

He holds you tightly and you both break down sobbing and join the rest of the family as you mourn over the ones lost. 

The day someone dies isn’t the worst, and the next few days aren’t so bad because there are things to do... it’s every day after when they stay dead.

You and George do get married. You’re in a t-shirt and jeans, he’s in about the same. It’s a quiet affair and no one can argue because it’s all for Fred. 

It’s a year later and you and George finally reopen WWW, knowing that the world needs to laugh right now.

You both get muggle tattoo’s in Fred’s memory and name your first son after him because of the deep brown that his eyes are and the lack of freckles.

You live not far from the Burrow in a mix of muggle and magic. You get a cat named Peeves. You eventually finish Uni and the whole family comes to your graduation.

It’s never quite the same, but it’s better. And the sun still shines.  

.

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[thepetulantpen]

(Happy Valentine’s Day! Here’s my annual Saimota fic. As usual, keep an eye out for saimota fanart by @fancy-kryptonite​)

The anticipation leading up to Valentine’s Day is persistent, all-consuming, and, above all, irrational. It builds and builds past the point of overthinking and well into sleepless nights.

Holidays are always like this- a sort of performance anxiety to be happy, to make a day special. In a sense, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. He knows it can’t possibly be perfect, so he ruins it for himself before he starts.

It reaches a breaking point in the form of him mentally throwing up his hands, tired of debating with himself. There have been enough grand, somewhat ridiculous gestures over the last few years. No one is expecting him to do anything elaborate, least of all Kaito- who Shuichi finds sprawled out on the grass, a pile of books abandoned at his side. Unconcerned with the holiday a few days away.

“I was thinking we could try something normal this year.”

Kaito raises his head, not confused by the non-sequitur, but mildly offended- insofar as any of Kaito’s expressions can be called mild.  “I thought our other dates were normal?”

“Simple. I meant simple.” Shuichi can’t help smiling- only Kaito would consider scavenger hunts and secret love letters normal. He sits down beside Kaito, trying not to crush any of the books, borrowed far past their return date. “Easier to plan.”

Kaito looks relieved, and ecstatic- the latter of which is not particularly comforting. “Right, right. I’ve got the perfect thing.”

That’s fast, even for Kaito. Shuichi tries not to let it get to him- he hasn’t thought of anything specific yet. “Well, I figured we could each pick something- you take the morning, and I’ll take the afternoon?” Hopefully, that’ll give him enough time. “If you don’t mind. I mean, I could go first, if you’d rather.”

“Nah, I’ve got it covered.” He pats Shuichi on the back, with his usual lack of awareness of his own strength. “I won’t disappoint you, sidekick.”

I’ve really got to talk him into a new title.

He certainly sounds confident, but Shuichi has never known Kaito to not sound confident. He’d been thinking coffee or movies, but if Kaito has something perfect, then Shuichi has to step up his game. There’s only a day or two left- what could he do in that time?

“Shuichi? Did you hear me?” Kaito leans into his line of sight, waving his hand in front of Shuichi’s face. There’s no telling how long he’s been doing that for. He must take Shuichi’s expression for an apology, as he repeats himself, “I’ll text you the details. It’s a surprise, so don’t try to detect it, alright?”

Oh, good. Another thing for me to obsessively think about it. 

“I won’t, I promise.”

Kaito doesn’t look convinced. Shuichi can’t say he is, either.

…

Despite Kaito’s insistence that Shuichi would guess before they got there, the escape room ends up being a pleasant surprise. The waiting room is charming, filled with props to take pictures with and a massive winners board, and the hallway is filled with unassuming doors labeled with puns related to their theme. Their room is, fittingly, made out to be the scene of an old-timey murder- Shuichi and Kaito, wearing the deerstalker hats hung near the door, being the detectives called in to solve it.

It only occurs to Shuichi about halfway through that he’s spending Valentine’s Day rifling through blood-stained documents about a fictional murder while Kaito yells nonsense guesses to word puzzles from across the room. He wouldn’t have it any other way.  

“What if we arranged the dominos in a star shape? Is that anything?”

Shuichi glances up from the nearly illegible pages that have been unceremoniously shifted to his responsibility and finds Kaito juggling a tin of dominos and an armful of paintings that had once been on the walls. Those, at least, were meant to come off. 

“Uh,” Shuichi hesitates, caught between about three puzzles at once- one of them being Kaito, in general, “It couldn’t hurt?”

Kaito grins, obviously happy to do something. The paintings are scattered across the table, now crowded with other clues jumbled beyond recognition. From a glance, Shuichi can see that the lines painted on might actually make a star- but he doubts someone’s been assigned to watch the camera and wait for them to artistically arrange the dominos.

Kaito is not stupid. He’s practically an astronaut and, aside from that, he can be brilliant with people, far more insightful than Shuichi. It’s just- he tends to think in the abstract, approaching problems in a way no one else would. Meaning that the people who made these puzzles would never arrive at the solutions Kaito picks out. 

It doesn’t help that he refuses to use their hints, under any circumstances. The employee running the room had only egged him on by telling him no one had ever solved it in time without using a hint- Shuichi had accepted their fate, after hearing that. 

The intercom clicks on, the false cheer of their game master giving them a five-minute warning. Kaito scoffs, confidence never dulled, but the tension in his shoulders betrays him- his hands, over the dominos, have stopped, apparently realizing it’s not getting him anywhere. 

Shuichi had told himself, while they were waiting for the room to reset, that he wouldn’t take over. It’s supposed to be a casual game between the two of them, no pressure to win. Plenty of people fail these things, and they still have fun.

He has a feeling Kaito is not one of those people. 

“We still have plenty of time,” Shuichi assures, surprised to sound so confident, “I think the dominos are color-coded. Take these,” he hands off one of the papers, still running through combinations on the others, “and give organizing them a shot.” 

Kaito gives him a mock salute, but rises to the task. As predicted, he moves through the dominos quickly- giving Shuichi time to hurriedly unlock the next two safes. He’s had those figured out for a while, having thought he would have more time to guide them to the right answer. 

The solutions themselves are not terribly difficult. Nothing like solving crime, in any practical way, but they force him to slow down and connect all the pieces, adding up how every seemingly unrelated item fits together. 

“I’ve got it!” Kaito grins, the triumphant click of dominos set in the right position- a key to another code. “What’s next?”

“It corresponds to the filing cabinet,” he’s practically on autopilot as the clock ticks down, the flash of red numbers in his periphery, “I’ll take the desk drawers.”

It puts them shoulder to shoulder, both rapidly setting combinations and trading half-shouted numbers, unnecessary given their closeness. Kaito finishes first, so he gets to watch over Shuichi’s shoulder as he guesses the last clue. 

For a second, it looks like he’s gotten it wrong, that he’s failed them both, before the lights flicker dramatically. They all go out, save for a hidden projector that lights up one wall with the image of a wailing ghost- ah, he’d forgotten they were supposed to be avenging some spirit. He’ll admit, he wasn’t listening very closely during the introduction, distracted by Kaito’s grin as he took in the room. 

Kaito jumps about a foot in the air- clearly, he hadn’t been paying much attention either. Shuichi takes his arm, hoping to keep him from stepping on any of the discarded paintings.

“The necklace,” Kaito yells over the sound effects, wide eyed, “she wants the necklace!”

On impulse, Shuichi dives for it, digging through the pile they’ve accumulated, and tosses it to Kaito. He doesn’t present it to her so much as he holds it up as if it’s a crucifix he could use to exorcise her. The projection, unlike a real ghost, thankfully doesn’t mind his rudeness.

“I may finally be at peace.”

Figures that Kaito would be the one to bring peace to the ghost. It makes Shuichi smile, even as the lights are turned on abruptly, bringing an anti-climactic end to their adventure. The clock is paused at 17 seconds- not exactly a record to brag about, but he’ll take it. 

On their way out, Kaito elbows him to get his attention. “So, how long did you know the answers?”

Shuichi smiles and says, “Not long.” Which, judging from his expression, Kaito translates to “since we got in the room.”

Kaito doesn’t seem bothered, not like Shuichi thought he might be. If anything, he looks delighted. 

“We made a fantastic team, as usual. Under my guidance, of course.” He messes up Shuichi’s hair, a habit he didn’t bother kicking once they started dating. “With our smarts combined, we could do anything. You could be the first detective on the moon, you know?”

“I don’t know, maybe my calling is in paranormal investigations,” he teases, pretending not to notice Kaito’s grimace, “we could go on ghost hunts together.”

Kaito scowls, and Shuichi presses on, baiting the hook, “Unless you’re scared?”

“No man, nor beast, has ever bested me.” Kaito’s frown is close to genuine indignation, offended that Shuichi would consider him below ghosts. “Ghosts don’t even have bodies. I’ll take on a ghost, any time, any day.”

Luckily for Kaito, Shuichi thinks it’s unlikely he’ll ever have to deliver on that promise. “We’ll save that for another weekend, then.” He picks up the pace, leading the way, for once. “I’ve got something a little more romantic than a ghost hunt, this time.”

If Kaito looks inordinately relieved, Shuichi is generous enough not to notice.

…

Most people can tell when Shuichi is overthinking something. Most people know that answer is “always”. 

Kaito can tell when Shuichi is thinking of overthinking something. The calm before the storm, the buzz of energy that has him tapping his foot incessantly while staring into space. It started well before their date, carrying into the weekend of Valentine’s Day.

It all hits in the form of an over-packed backpack and piles of printed maps, stacked in the backseat. Shuichi has a schedule, complete with an annotated map of their hiking trail and final destination.

“We should make it there just as it gets dark enough to see stars. It’ll be a perfect view.”

The emphasis is obviously placed on perfect, Shuichi’s smile just a bit forced. Kaito gives the map a once-over- credit where credit is due, it looks as close to the perfect spot as you could get- and gives Shuichi a smile. “I’m sure it’ll be great.”

He may not be a detective, but it’s not hard to figure out that anything Shuichi comes up with will be incredible. It’d be difficult to have a bad time with Shuichi; any time spent with him feels like time well spent. The beautiful hiking trail is only a bonus. 

Kaito wouldn’t be surprised if Shuichi’s plans were flawless, every second mapped out. Every funny looking tree, every set of tracks in the ground- all set up for Kaito to notice, or for them to use as landmarks. Shuichi could say he’s set the stars on a timer, and Kaito might just believe him. If anyone could do it, it’d be Shuichi.

The sky, however, seems to have other plans. 

The clouds start rolling late in the afternoon and stick around stubbornly after the sun sets, filtering reds and purples through grey film. At certain angles, Kaito can see the moon in their gaps, but there’re hardly any stars persevering through. Dark grey shadows move over what might have otherwise been a fairly bright sky, now dimmed to a heavy static. 

It's remarkable in its own right, patterns of grey standing out starkly against the abyss of the night sky. It feels like the clouds are the only thing between them and limitless space, a simple barrier to surpass. Kaito only feels more drawn to it, eager to peel back the layers to see the stars for himself.

“I checked the weather,” Shuichi mutters, miserably, “I had three backups, and I was sure this one would be clear skies. I even looked up the constellations you could see from here-“

“That’s alright.” The grass has started to cool rapidly in the darkness, no springtime warmth remaining to greet them. Kaito lays out his coat to sit on, instead, and leaves Shuichi the more generous half. “It’s a great view, like you said.”

Shuichi squints at him, suspicious. “You can’t see any stars.”

“Stars aren’t the only thing I came here to see.” Kaito puts an arm around Shuichi’s shoulders, pulling against his side. He’s never embarrassed to be close to Shuichi, but he’ll admit he likes it best when it’s just the two of them, no distractions, no threat of self-consciousness. “It’s perfect.”

Shuichi looks down, hiding a smile. “Next you’ll be dropping cheesy lines with star metaphors.”

“There’s nothing wrong with star metaphors!”

He should be offended when Shuichi laughs at that, but he can’t bring himself to pretend. Shuichi’s laugh is reward enough- even if, objectively, star metaphors are among the best romantic gestures.

He’s still got work to do, as Shuichi sits silently beside him, staring at the galaxy print of Kaito’s jacket to avoid looking at the sky. It’s obvious he’s under the impression that he’s failed somehow, which just won’t do. As the hero to his sidekick, it’s Kaito’s responsibility to let him know he’s wrong- just, perhaps, not in those exact words.

Kaito nudges Shuichi and leans forward, craning his neck to get the best view of the clouds above them. “You’re underestimating the sky. Look, there’s always something beautiful to see.”

He points at the formations of clouds, shapes made of negative space against the moonlight. Their tops are highlighted by the escaping light, scattering over the uneven, cottony surface. Shuichi’s head tilts to follow him- it reminds Kaito of the escape room, focus taking over his expression. It’d almost feel out of place here, beneath the clouds with nothing of substance to analyze, if Kaito wasn’t used to seeing it all the time, for anything from figuring out a new coffee machine to spoiling a detective show by guessing the killer early.

“That one looks like a bear,” Kaito takes Shuichi by the shoulders, directing him to the cloud in question, “See? The other clouds are like the salmon it’s chasing.”

Shuichi doesn’t manage to sound very convincing, but he tries his best when he agrees, “I think I see it.”

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you you’re a terrible liar, Shuichi?”

Shuichi elbows him in retaliation, turning away from the stars to look up at him. He’s going for disapproving, but Kaito can see through him, far easier than seeing through the cloud layer. 

Somedays, it’s hard to believe that Shuichi bothers to hang around with him. Kaito considers himself good company, but for Shuichi? He’s not sure he qualifies- and yet here they are, under the stars. Or clouds, as it is. 

“One day, I’ll bring you to see the stars up close. We’ll go high above the clouds and into the night sky.” Kaito holds him closer, no longer interested in looking at the sky. “Just the two of us.”

“I’d like that.” Shuichi leans more into him, pushing for room on Kaito’s jacket. When he smiles this time, he doesn’t hide it. “I’ll have to consider space for next Valentine’s Day.”

He doesn’t sound serious, like he doesn’t completely believe Kaito will be able to pull it off. That’s alright- he has plenty of time to prove him wrong.

Kaito’s not being completely honest, anyway. Space isn’t his ideal Valentine’s Day- and it’s not an escape room, or star-gazing, either. It’s by Shuichi’s side, wherever that might be. If it’s watching reruns of mysteries he’s memorized the solutions to, or teasing him for his choice of black coffee, or just laying on the grass, staring up at the same sky.

The promise of another Valentine’s with Shuichi makes it all worth it. Kaito doesn’t need much else- though, he’s still looking forward to sweeping the clearance section of chocolates.

[bookwyrminspiration]

So uh. I reblogged the latest wings au chapter and forgot to actually read it until now. Working memory is little bitch like that sometimes I guess.

-Elwin! I’ll be honest, I sort of forgot about him, but it was so great to see him again and hear his side of everything. And yay for the kotlcrew finally getting their injuries looked at by someone who knows what they’re doing.

-The middle section of them all just vibing and being teenagers was great, I love seeing them interact like real people.

-This is kind of a minor point, but I think there was more of Wylie in this chapter than there has been in a little while, so that was cool. I hope there’s more of him again soon, and I’m really interested to see your take on his ability and his wings.

-The messages! I’m guessing they’re riddles, and I wonder if the messages she hasn’t looked at contain more clues to the riddles.

-The ending!! Is it something about the presence dragons of dragons that inspires violence in people (which would be so cool)? And if so, what does that mean for Marella 👀…?

this just reminded me that 1. i still need to read my partner's fic they posted a very long time ago 2. there's a little more writing left for the wings au today to meet my goal. but!! onto your ask first! this is super sweet and i'm very glad you enjoyed the chapter!! trying to balance adding a new character while keeping up the interactions amongst the others and all that!

-- I'll be honest I kinda forgot about Elwin too and put off adding him in probably longer than made sense, but they just finally reached the breaking point where it was getting more and more annoying to keep track of all the injuries (on my end, at least!) so from a writer's perspective he's kinda being used as a reset opportunity, because he wouldn't leave anyone unattended to. so once he's completed his part in this section of the story, I can approach the next with a clean slate in terms of injuries and what they're physically capable of! and it was also just a great opportunity to get an outside perspective and some feedback on a few of their more questionable decisions without being judged. it's just been them working amongst each other with no outside input, which only helps them to a certain degree. in that way, i guess elwin functions like a mental reset too, changing how they'll think about and approach any future endeavors. also i just like him :)

-- me too!! as someone who is essentially smack in the middle of all the characters' ages, I sometimes feel there's the teenage part of them that's missing, likely because they were written by someone who is not currently a teenager! which is fine, I don't expect her to be able to write about just casually being teenagers in this day and age without having that experience, but as a fic writer I can kinda slip in some of that banter we have with each other to just give them more of an awake feeling, like they're more people-like! because that kind of conversation and just improvised banter poking fun at each other is the kind of thing I would do with people in real life! it's also just fun to give them a slightly different twist, because there's an aspect of them I get to explore that Shannon doesn't as I have removed the romance

-- yep! there was more Wylie that I think there's been in a while--he had a few brief lines in chapter 9 (or was it 10?), but I haven't really touched on him and Maruca yet because they're more minor characters in canon and I haven't 100% figured out how I want to integrate them. but! they're not just gonna be background characters forever, I've just kinda been approaching each person one or two at a time, and Maruca and Wylie haven't come up in that aspect yet. however, I do have plans to include them more in the near future. so that's something I'm both nervous and excited to write!! i think the wings I've given him are pretty fun, so hopefully you'll like my choice as well!

-- the messages! the long awaited messages have finally been revealed! i hope they were worth that wait--I didn't expect them to attract as much attention as they did, but several people seem very put-off with me (in a joking, fun way) for that one cliffhanger where she almost read them, only to talk to elwin instead. they are riddles!! well, really it's one big riddle split into two parts. they coexist, I suppose. they rely on each other for the answer they point to. i can say tho, that as of right now they are entirely self-sufficient and Sophie shouldn't need any other outside information to figure them out, just those two messages! there may be more secrets and puzzles to figure out that she acquires later tho...who knows !!

-- the ending! the drama of linh lunging towards Sophie at the sight of that dragon scale. was she attacking? was it the dragon scale itself or something else building up? so many questions!! all of which I happen to have the answer to, but that's for you all to find out later! or just to theorize about--I might not explain every single little detail within the writing. but there is definitely more about the dragons that will be touched on later and what they mean storywise for both Marella and Linh (still not saying what her wings are, but there's clearly something going on!!)

I'm very pleased that you liked this chapter!! there was a lot of set up for future drama going on so it's really cool to see what stood out to you and which details you liked. this au just keeps getting longer and longer so i'm honored you've stuck around this long! we are....rapidly approaching 100,000 words. currently at almost 94,000 (including unpublished) and I! don't know how to react to that!

but that's besides the point. thank you for reading and commenting on the au!!