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#i feel like i have been studying for this forever
orimuraa · 2 days
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✎ᝰ. So sweet like bubblegum - OT7
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(synopsis) ˖ ִֶָ𐀔 when you are enhypen’s tutor but they end up falling in love with you -✧
ot7 enhypen x fem!reader ˖ ִֶָ𐀔 fluff ˖ ִֶָ𐀔 mutual pining ˖ ִֶָ𐀔 reader has to tutor enha ˖ ִֶָ𐀔 tutor to lovers ˖ ִֶָ𐀔 sunghoon's has a kiss in it ˖ ִֶָ𐀔 wc 1.7k
𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂ
𝑳𝒆𝒆 𝑯𝒆𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒖𝒏𝒈 - 이희승
recently, you have been tasked by your professor to tutor lee heeseung. heeseung was your typical jock, he played football, he was tall, muscular, handsome, and was practically failing his classes. heeseung was very popular around your school so when you started tutoring him a couple months ago, people thought that you two looked really cute together. over the time, you found yourself falling more and more for heeseung's flirty nature. the truth was, heeseung actually liked you for a long time now and felt like he practically won the whole lottery when he was told that you would be his tutor. one afternoon, you received a text from heeseung, asking you to meet him in the school garden. confused, you made your way to the garden, spotting heeseung in the middle. "y/n, i don't really know how to say this so i'll just be straightforward with it. i- i really like you and i have for a really long time and i've just been too scared to say anything because i was scared you didn't feel the same way!" you found him quite cute the way he shut his eyes and just let his words spill out, in hopes that it would make sense to you. "heeseung, i like you too. i'm so glad you were able to tell me how you felt" you smiled. you will never forget the way his eyes lit up and he pulled you into the sweetest embrace, mumbling into your hair how he would never ever hurt you. man, you got so lucky with this one.
𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒌 𝑱𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒔𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒈 - 박종성
it wasn't like jay was a bad student, he just had been struggling in the english class a bit more than he would've liked. but when he got the news from his professor that you would be his tutor, he was beyond excited. he had been hiding a 3-year-long crush on you for forever and he felt that now was his chance to finally make his move. you two had instantly clicked during your first tutoring session and you had secretly been crushing on him for the past few weeks as you tutored him. jay couldn't just let you slip thru his fingers yet so he decided to pick up the courage to ask you out. while you were studying, you felt your phone ping on the desk next to you. looking at it, you saw it was from jay. it read: hey ynnie! i'm sorry i'm too much of a chicken to come ask you in person but, did you maybe wanna go out sometime with me? y'know as a date? lmk and we can plan! <3 maybe your love life wasn't so sad after all.
𝑺𝒊𝒎 𝑱𝒂𝒆𝒚𝒖𝒏 - 심재윤
jake wasn't exactly the brightest when it came to some of your classes, so when you started to tutor him, you began to see why he didn't fully understand the work. he was easily distracted, resembling an adorable golden retriever, and although it was hard to tutor him, you couldn't help but catch feelings for the boy. he was so sweet and kind and you smiled so much your cheeks hurt whenever you were around him. jake on the other hand, was always so nervous whenever you two had a study session because how could he ever act normal when the prettiest, sweetest girl was tutoring him? he was head over heels for you and anyone could see it. it just happened that you were a bit oblivious to things like that and completely missed the way his eyes would form into little hearts whenever you would walk by. jake always thought that you were wayyy too good for him. you were basically just a fantasy that he couldn't obtain. everyday, both you and him would fall more and more into a love spell with each other with the other not knowing anything about the feelings. so it was a bit nerve-wracking when you received a confession letter from jake, saying how in-love he was with you and how he didn't exactly have the courage to go up to you and say it to your pretty face. but in the end, it all worked out as he was able to win your heart and take you on a date (later on, dating).
𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒌 𝑺𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒉𝒐𝒐𝒏 - 박성훈
park sunghoon was the school's best ice skater, but when he started to fall behind in his math class, it posed as a great threat to him. if his grades were not good enough, he wouldn't be able to participate in the competitions. therefore, he needed a tutor asap. that's where you come in. he came up to you one day, practically begging for you to tutor him since you two shared a math class, only agreeing because you had a massive slight crush on him.you had only really seen sunghoon during the ice skating competitions, but being able to enjoy his real personality up-close like this was even better. he was actually a naturally charming guy and he was so sweet with you. no one in their right mind would be able to resist his charm. sunghoon had also been slightly crushing on you since you've started tutoring him. the way you were genuine with him and didn't just want to be near him cause of who his reputation was, but for his actual personality. one session, he had abruptly stopped the lesson and turned towards you. "i think i would go crazy if i didn't say this now so y/n, i like you. i've never felt like this for anyone and i really don't want to mess this up, and it's totally fine if you don't feel the same beca-" you quickly shut him up with a kiss, just so happy to hear that your crush was mutual and not just one sided. "it's okay, i like you too" the two of you just smiling like idiots.
𝑲𝒊𝒎 𝑺𝒖𝒏𝒐𝒐 - 김선우
at first, you were really shocked to hear that you would be tutoring kim sunoo because you thought he had decent grades? but nonetheless, you were excited. you actually had a massive crush in sunoo since forever but you were way too shy to go up and confess, so you were hoping to make a good impression on him. kim sunoo actually did know who you were and he would be lying if he said he didn't find you a tad bit cute. you were exactly his type and you were so so so so sweet. you two were an immediate bond at your first tutoring session and the both of you were practically made for each other. other students already thought you were dating with how close you two had become. but one late afternoon, when sunoo sits you down, telling you he had something to tell you, the last the you expected to hear was his confession to you. he expressed how much he loves being with you and how he didn't want to ruin your friendship if you didn't feel the same, he just needed to let you know. smiling at him, you let him know how head over heels you are for him too and now you two can proudly confirm whenever someone asks if you two are dating.
𝒀𝒂𝒏𝒈 𝑱𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒘𝒐𝒏 - 양정원
jungwon was the student body president so he was the obvious choice to go to when you needed some extra help in your bio class. he was so sweet about it and totally understood your situation, and agreed to tutoring you. the first month was amazing as you could already see an improvement in your grade! but you also noticed how your heart would start beating 10x faster when jungwon was around you. you admired his stunning face so often that you could draw it with your eyes closed. what you didn't know was that jungwon was also feeling the same way about you as you were him. it made him slightly nervous due to the fact that he had never felt this way before. after consulting his friends, he mustered up some courage to buy some flowers and ask you out on a date, old fashioned style. when you opened your door, you definitely did not expect to see jungwon there with a bouquet of your favorite flowers. "oh! uhh i prepared what i was gonna say but i think i just forgot it all. whatever, i'll just say it. i like you y/n and it's okay with you, i was wondering if you wanted to go on a date?...with me?" he asked nervously. it was safe to say that it was the best date you have ever been on.
𝑵𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒎𝒖𝒓𝒂 𝑹𝒊𝒌𝒊 - 西村 力
we all know that ni-ki is not a school person whatsoever. so it isn't a shocker when the professor tells him he has a new tutor waiting for him in the library. you had no idea that you were gonna be tutoring your middle-school crush and to be honest, it made you want to dig a hole and cry in it. ni-ki made you nervous whenever he was around so you had no idea how you were gonna tutor him for the rest of the semester. he was such a flirt with you and it definitely did not help your crush on him at all. ni-ki had also been going through a bit of a crisis because why was he suddenly feeling butterflies in his stomach whenever he would see you? what spell did you cast on him? your tutoring sessions had just convinced ni-ki further that he had fallen into you game of love because he could not focus on the work anymore, preferring to study you flawless face instead. one evening, ni-ki and you were having a late session when he suddenly looked at you. "what? do i have something on my face?" you asked, confused. "uhh n-no i just- i- ugh. i like you y/n. all of these tutoring sessions have made me realize that and i just needed to get it off my chest." he sighed, looking away and you swear you saw a dust of pink on his cheeks. "aww ni-ki..." you smile. "don't tell anyone, but i think i have a crush on you too," you whisper. thank god for these tutoring sessions, cause now nishimura riki has the most perfect girl in the world.
𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂㅤ⭒𓈒ㅤׂㅤ𓇼 ࣪ 𓈒ㅤׂ
i'm sorry this one came out so late >.< i promise to try and post them a little earlier next time! tysm to @kpislby for the wonderful inspo for the fic!! reblogs and feedback are highly appreciated! <3
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pocket-solas · 3 days
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Tendrils of green mist swirled around the two lone figures framed within ancient broken ruins. The smaller of the two reaching to find purchase amongst the furs the other wore upon his chest.
"I did not wish for you to see what I've been forced to become."
"Forced by whom? Yourself? You have real people here who care for you!"
"Stop. You cannot understand."
Stung, Lavellan drew in her chin. "Evidently neither can you." She continued to grasp his shoulders. She wanted to shake him, rattle his brain around a bit in that damnably hard head of his. "You said yourself I saw more than most. There has to still be some part of the man I fell in love with left."
"Vhenan." The word spoken like second nature still cuts deep. Both of them flinch involuntarily. His hands finally find her arms, holding a moment before firmly pressing them away. "You cannot dissuade me from this course."
"That's not why I'm here." Lavellan refuses to accept his rebuttal, she cups his face instead, trying to embrace him like grasping at smoke. "You call me 'your heart', even now, and yet you try to distance yourself as far from me as possible. Solas..." She tugs his face closer, their eyes seeking the depths of the other. "I refuse to give up on you."
He doesn't offer an answer.
His hands seek her wrists, gripping for a moment as though to push her away yet he stills and rests there, holding her to him. His lips part, wishing to speak, but they both know no words can do justice to the depths of emotion they've both waded through.
She takes in a slow lungful of air, feeling his warm breath mingle with her own. Her thumbs stroke over the sharp angle of his cheekbones, across the freckles smattered on fair skin like stars.
Her eyes fill with tears.
"Don't." His voice breaks on the pleading word, his arms encircling her body, holding her to him as she fights to remain poised.
"You're such an ass."
"I know."
"Why must you push me away only to linger in the periphery of my life?"
Solas presses his forehead against hers, his nose brushing against hers. "You know why." His hands grasp the curve of her waist, pulling her closer. "You are my weakness, my love. The one thing in this world that came close to toppling all my careful plans."
"Solas..."
"I thought I could rend the connection between us as surely as I will the Veil." His next breath is shuddering, his hands flex against her. "I've failed in that as well."
Her hands still cup his face, unable to school her desperation for some glimmer of hope for them. She pulls back enough to study his expression, the dark circles beneath eyes the color of a dusky eve. "I love you."
"I know, vhenan."
"But it isn't enough."
"No. It is not." He takes her hand, the one that bore the anchor, and kisses the palm. "Understand what I must do will never change how I love you."
She grasps his hand like a lifeline, her eyes growing wide with desperation. "Solas, please. Don't leave me."
He presses the leatherbound wolf jaw necklace into the palm he'd just kissed. "I will forever be with you, my heart."
It was always easier for him in the Fade.
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cynicalrosebud · 3 days
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Rumor Has It (9)
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CW: Adult clubs, sex, flirting, implications, you are responsible for your own media consumption
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Rumor lingered by the hangar, watching as the rest of the team went off to debrief. He knew he couldn’t avoid Nikolai forever, not after what had just gone down in front of everyone. As the others disappeared, Nikolai finally approached, his boots barely making a sound against the concrete. The familiar scent of leather and gunpowder lingered in the air around him.
“You have been avoiding me,” Nikolai said, voice casual but with a knowing edge.
Rumor gave a half-hearted shrug, refusing to meet his eyes. “Ye know how it is. Busy with the missions... lads always needing somethin’.” He shifted his weight, suddenly feeling the press of old memories and emotions he’d thought he’d buried.
Nikolai chuckled softly, his voice low and smooth. “And yet, you find yourself here, alone. Waiting for me?”
Rumor turned to face him, eyes narrowing. “Wasn’t exactly waiting, mate.”
“Oh?” Nikolai took a step closer, his presence as commanding as ever. “Then why not leave with your team?”
Rumor could feel the heat rising to his face again, the tension between them thick in the air. “Maybe I thought we needed ta clear the air. After... well, ye know.”
Nikolai’s smile was slow and knowing, the kind that always made Rumor’s heart race. “Ah, yes. That night.” He tilted his head, studying Rumor with an intensity that made his pulse quicken. “It was... memorable, was it not?”
Rumor huffed, trying to keep his cool despite the growing pressure in his chest. “That’s one word for it.”
Nikolai stepped closer again, his hand reaching out to gently tilt Rumor’s chin up, forcing their eyes to meet. “You have changed, Rumor. But you are still you. Still the man I remember.” His thumb brushed the edge of Rumor’s jaw, sending a shiver down his spine.
Rumor swallowed hard, his voice a little too tight. “Yeah? And what man’s that, Nik?”
Nikolai’s grin softened, a glint of something fond behind his teasing tone. “The one who needs control more than he admits... but still craves giving it up to the right person.”
Rumor’s breath caught in his throat, the weight of Nikolai’s words settling heavy on his chest. Memories of that night came flooding back, of the way he’d felt completely at Nikolai’s mercy—safe, exposed, and terrified all at once.
“You always did have a way with words,” Rumor muttered, trying to mask the way his heart was pounding.
Nikolai chuckled, the sound warm and familiar. “I am just observant.” He finally let go of Rumor’s chin, but the space between them felt even smaller now. “We both know there is something here. There always was.”
Rumor sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to get a handle on his thoughts. “Maybe. But we were different then.”
Nikolai’s eyes softened, and for a moment, he looked less like the cocky pilot and more like someone Rumor had once trusted, had once given more of himself to than he’d ever intended. “People change, Rumor. But some things stay the same.”
Rumor didn’t know what to say to that. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to.
After a long pause, he finally spoke. “Nik, about back there... with the lads...”
Nikolai raised an eyebrow, amused. “Embarrassed?”
Rumor scoffed, though the heat in his face betrayed him. “Not embarrassed. Just didn’t expect them te find out.”
Nikolai’s laugh was soft, his voice teasing. “They would have found out sooner or later. But I think they enjoyed it, don’t you?”
Rumor rolled his eyes, though there was a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Oh, aye. They’ll be on my arse about it for weeks.”
Nikolai smirked, leaning in slightly. “Well, they don’t need to know everything.”
Rumor shot him a look. “Don’t push your luck.”
Nikolai’s smile turned playful, his voice dropping lower. “I never do, little mouse. I just know how to read you.”
For a moment, they stood in silence, the air between them heavy with things left unsaid. Despite everything—despite the time, the missions, and the miles that had stretched between them—there was still something there. Something neither of them could quite let go of.
Finally, Nikolai stepped back, giving Rumor some space. “I am glad we had this talk,” he said, his tone sincere.
Rumor nodded, feeling both relieved and a little unsettled. “Yeah. Me too.”
As they moved to go about their business, Rumor called after Nikolai, his voice lowered slightly. “Yer still gonna pay for that teasing later.”
Nikolai chuckled, his voice low and teasing. “I look forward to it, little mouse.”
Nikolai gave him one last, lingering look before turning to leave. As he walked away, Rumor let out a long breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.
He might have changed, but some parts of him were still tethered to the past—and to Nikolai.
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fantasiavii · 6 months
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The amount of driver’s ed I’ve done for someone who doesn’t have their license is actually ridiculous
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bunnihearted · 3 months
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regardless of the "learn how to be alone" dravel, being lonely actually is really bad for your mental health and can be very painful :p
#i've been doing so so bad#and i've had breakdowns frequently this past week#and i dont have friends or family or a partner or even a therapist lmao#so im alone and thus only feeling worse and worse#my mom has been in an unusual bad mood lately so i havent been able to talk to her at all#but today she asked me to go to her to the store bc she wanted me to buy smth#and on the way we watched the snails and she found them cute (she has never appreciated snails before)#and now i instantly feel a bit better and a bit more normal after only 15 min of hanging out with her#it's so easy for ppl who have family or friends or a partner to judge and criticize me#but like.... u have ppl close to u and u know nothing abt what it feels like to be in my position#it's so condescending and lacking of compassion#i dont understand your pov either but at least im not TELLING YOU directly how much i judge you#like ppl judge me so hard for feeling miserable in my loneliness... but it's easy for u to say those things#like u dont feel my despairing loneliness bc u have a fkn partner. u have fkn friends. or a fkn family. easy for u to judge me from up ther#anyway im much better at being alone than most ppl bc im still alive and im enduring the pain every day#other ppl have ppl around them 💀 only others who are all alone can understand how much it hurts#and it wont be fixed by loving yourself or loving to be alone or whatever other bs they use to criticize u ._.#being alone IS harmful to your health. there are studies on it and im not just making that shit up#i AM allowed to feel pain bc i dont have anyone#ugh esp ppl w partners who can receive physical and romantic attention.... when they judge me.....#stfu forever u have no idea how i feel 💀 and u could never know simply by having had a partner at all...#but yeah. it bothers me too bc i NEVER see someone on here and go#damn i hate this sm i gotta let them know by sending them anons or vague post abt them#like i dont get up in their faces and tell them all my judgemental or bitter or hateful thoughts abt them#even this post is only bc other ppl have taken the liberty to without my consent or having asked tell me directly how pathetic i am#how im not allowed to feel alone. how i have a victim mentality so on and so forth#i never tell other ppl things like that. even if i think them (which honestly i rarely do unless they're extremely toxic TO other ppl) i wo#say shit abt it to them.... ??? like why?#when i sometimes see like ppl have friends on here or talk abt their partners i can feel bitter and jealous#bc im surrounded by seeing things i so deeply crave but im not a humanbeing worth of those things
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moinsbienquekaworu · 8 days
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Devastating news: my brother is a normal person. It doesn't run in the family, I'm just a weird freak for no reason
#i'm exaggerating but not that much. my parents are like that because they're in their 50s. they were young adults once#okay so my brother. 18 years of age. just started his fancy higher studies in maths. tiny baby goatee he's not shaving.#went to a friend's week long birthday party in a house in the countryside#made out with a girl there?? apparently???#started drinking alcohol. and has now been going out longer and more frequently and sleeping at other people's places#and bestie. let me tell you. i was never doing any of that shit. in fact i am not doing any of that still and i'm a few years older#i don't go out much. i have like four or five friends at all times tops. i certainly don't come back late or god forbid sleep over#never drunk alcohol (don't want to. i could! i just don't. i'm the sober idiot in the corner when everyone else is drunk)#never kissed anyone or had a partner or anything of the sort#he decided to sleep over at midnight?? with zero preparation??#buddy it would have to be pouring acid rain for me to have an unplanned sleepover#without my toothbrush? my pyjama? my phone charger? my plushies? possibly my own pillow/blanket? be for real#my brother is a normal teenager/young adults with a social life and no weird hangup about romance and alcohol and spontaneity#and i'm some kind of freak i guess. having a normal time#older sister girlfailure forever i suppose. how the fuck do i feel like my younger brother is cooler and more normal than me???#i don't even want to be like that i like myself i thought i left all this stupid unfounded insecurity behind with school!!#arghhhhhh#wow i have a ramble tag now
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kyouka-supremacy · 3 months
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Failed a social interaction 0 injured 1 killed (me)
#Today has been so long 😭😭😭 I've been out the whole day studying and when I came back I spent more than one hour to cook my probably gone–#bad chicken (and rice and spinach) and then I couldn't even eat it because it was my turn to clean the kitchen at the dorm (which is the–#third following day I'm doing) (worth mentioning I'm running on 5 hours of sleep)#And I was goofing around with my friends but while doing so I. made fun of the landlord. And then one friend told me “hey girl he's right–#outside” and like 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I hope I die painfully. I need to be back next year and he already makes my life hard enough and hhhhhhhhhhh#I wasn't even like. Serious. It was just to joke around with my friends I don't have anything against him (except for the things I do)#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#And now I feel so embarrassed I have no appetite at all + the chicken (which I had to bring home through one hour walk in summer which–#probably wasn't good for it. And then froze one day past the expiration day) (I really need to get better eating habits) I had been–#preparing despite taking one hour to cook it I got the firing wrong and now it's all hard and honestly not very good and like 😭😭😭#Look at what you did to the (frankly already diseased) chicken#I feel so betrayed by everything 😭😭😭 Can life get a little easier#I'm mostly kidding I'm doing okay. I just need to rant because I CAN'T GET OVER THE LANDLORD THING MAN HOW DO I FORGET ABOUT IT.#This kind of things always haunts me for at least three days so 😭😭😭#I'm dead tired but I really wanted to answer asks today so. Probably doing so between today and tomorrow#Rant over sending lots of l love 💞💞#random rambles#In my defense it's not my fault I'm too poor to throw the chicken away 😪😪 I haven't eaten since forever#It's also not my fault I can't afford a new non sticking pan so I have to stick (ah) to the probably toxic one#It is very much my fault for messing up the chicken cooking temperature tho lol
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sweetandglovelyart · 2 months
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Me, too busy with grad school to participate, watching everyone else in the Kirby fandom participate in the OC tournament and art fight
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thylionheart · 3 months
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I’ve mentioned before, I’m making a folklore book for my baby nibling and of course we want a multi-regional book of folklore so I am desperately trying and failing to find a Mesopotamian myth where sex isn’t too important a plot point
#I found a work around for Odin hanging himself on the World Tree but idk if I can save Nergal and Ereshkigal#so many descents and returns from the underworld for my yet wee nibling#bc they are going to be a winter solstice baby <3#00#Nergal’s Descent into the underworld and then courtship of the Queen of the dead is so interesting#and it is so fragmented I can read it as sweeter than I probably originally was#god of war getting humiliated and having to go to the underworld to apologize to Ereshkigal#only to get there after doing all these tricks to ensure he can return from the underworld#he gets there and immediately decides I am going to trick my way into a throne by this Queen’s side 😍#who else has ever traveled to the land of the dead and been like I gotta- I gotta figure out a way to stay here forever#ur blorbo could never#but yeah he does all the traditional avoidances of drinking or eating in the underworld m#but the one rule he breaks is that he mustn’t sleep with Ereshkigal#he said o no but she’s hot#the line is «that which men and women do together» so I guess I could change it to kissing#or like the act of talking/falling in love#which is what I did for a Tristan and Isolde type variant#Ianna/Ishtar’s descent into the underworld would have been the traditional winter solstice/turning of the year myth of choice#but it is so… esoteric bc it is fragmented as well#there is some meaning that is not coming through and as it stands I don’t like the… un-nuanced take on Ianna#Goddess of Love and Sex is vain? tired and boring#I feel like I’d need to become an assyriologist and actually study it for a while to do it any justice
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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bangcakes · 9 months
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#im sorry but if he really was waiting for me yesterday im gonna have a whole meltdown like oh my GOD??????#like THATS???????????????#n like... ugh that fuckin asshole that said something to him OHHHHHHH !!!!! UGH.#like....... god. ...... .. theres no other explanation. like usually he leaves right away ok. well until he started waiting for me NDNNDMDM#but to do that after an exam... when he like.... just wants to get out of there n study for the next one....#o bro i cant handle this. thats so sweet wtf..... like....... HHHHHHHHHHH GOD.#this Has to be going somewhere like i cant be imagining this. i cant be#n not only would he have wanted to get outta there bc of having to study.... he also literally doesnt like talking to anyone except me n#one of my other friends JDNDMDMDMMDMDMSM#and like he would have been waiting awhile bc like over 20 mins went by between him leaving n my other friend leaving... and then after tha#god im so sad...... i wish that JERK hadnt said anything to him. i bet he would have stayed 😭😭😭😭😭#hhhhhhhhhhh........#n e way NDNNDNDNDMDMMD. im gonna see this until the end.... like lmao theres Something here i can tell......#and like okay even if we just end up friends... like ok maybe i'll be crushed but JDJJDJDJDJDJFJ hes so cute. i wanna keep him forever.....#n like god. hes even cute in a grumpy way which... god thats my weakness forever im just 🥺🥺🥺#its just !!!! hes so honest !!! like always says what hes feeling n then once he says it hes over it. like idk hes perfect to me JZJJZJZJZJ#GOD. im so obsessed. help#and like GOD. i really keep coming back to this post and adding more im JUST.....#his eyes are so kind. like i cant even explain this. i just ... god hes so cute.....#personal
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rinofwater · 5 months
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So was anyone gonna tell me that too much caffeine can worsen depression or was I supposed to figure that out for myself after sipping too much 'self-loathing bastard' juice?
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pl4n · 5 months
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#my art#ive been so jsvgjsnsndjbdjks#just a big ol jumble of kahsjdbskdhi#and i wanna draw more but im so uninspired aahhaah#i kinda wanna do some studies or smth but ahhhh idk i also just wanna lie in bed when i can#i so tire#but being lazy and bored is also so exhausting haha it feeds itself#so yeah itd be good to try to push myself a bit in my free time to do smth kinda fun chill engaging#its crazy bc theres so much that i could be doing but i have such a hard time being self motivated...#so outside motivation like work or friends is the only reason i do literally anything#which sucks bc i have a lot of things id like to be able to do on my own but yeah. idk why its so hard to do things for myself#that being said if anyone sees this and wants to do lil drawing challenges or trades or smth together that might be niceee#im sort of painfully shy online haha tho im not so much irl#i think the thing abt it for me is the feeling of creating these lil digital footprints#like if i send a message or make a post its just preserved like that... forever.. actually i recently looked at emails from my childhood#and its really cool to see a slice of the past like that but still. idk why it bothers me tbh. i just never got used to it#memories fade and warp over time right? so it really feels like existing in the world and talking to people is just a passing moment#it doesnt really feel that way w the internet. as small and insignificant these small imprints might be#and im really just being neurotic but yeah. maybe i dont like the feeling of taking up space and slowly widening it with every little step#yea thats neurotic fr LOLL#anyways im really rambling away in these tags haha but if ima post this art anyway its such a good excuse to ramble into a void :D#and a good way to practice existing on the internet. im sure ill get used to it
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ko-eko-ev-go-ms · 7 months
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It continues to trip me up how much human brains are just weird organic computers
#thoughts#oni talks#oni vents#additionally wild that the easiest ways for me to explain brain stuff are generally in computer or video game terms despite the fact I’m#notoriously awful with computers (and to a lesser extent video games) although I won’t if my natural inclination would be different if I#didn’t have trauma related to computers/if maybe it’s the classic adhd interest based learning difference? unknown tbh#I still really wanna go to school to study people but academics is fucked as hell so making that work will be a personal hell for me#but also I have so many theories and data I can’t do anything super tangible with coz I’m not in an academic setting so even if i wanted to#talk about stuff and work on it no one would take me seriously w/o that academic background no matter how much effort I’d put in learning it#on my own for my entire life at this point it won’t matter if it’s not on some level acknowledged by an academic system I despise tbh#it’s one of those things that makes me miss my dad coz we used to commiserate together about these sorts of things tho he made it work far#better than I have been able to. i wish i could ask him science questions again.#anyway human brains are so fascinating but also I really wish I was better at explaining myself analysis of people I feel like I’m good#enough at this point to be like partway understood coz I’ve done so much practice on my own coz I tend to rehearse explanations ahead of tim#but its still often misunderstood or misconstrued & it’s understandable a lot of the time coz like most other people aren’t spending a ton#of their free time thinking about and researching how people work/analyzing those around them+themselves vs me whose been doing since like#I dont remember the exact time but I do remember being really young & making the conscious decision to study & analyze my family for example#so that I could be helpful & translate their words to each other better + ppl often don’t see things about themselves that others do#also forever thinking about the human brain/experience in relation to the sims & video game commands lmao#currently trying to explain save states in the human brain to ppl but no one knows wtf I’m talking about#& researching academic terms that are close to what I want doesn’t necessarily work if there’s no academic term for what I’m talking about#hence wanting to do the research myself coz sometimes it feels like there’s all this stuff that’s obvious to me but no one else?? from what#I’ve seen in recent studies they are only starting to scratch the surface of stuff I’ve already known sometimes? other stuff is older & it’s#VERY gratifying when it’s stuff I’ve known but not been listened to about & it actually gets the proper recognition#though getting ppl to actually listen/take what I say seriously is its own journey & I have to be careful myself bc I’m human so my own#understanding/data is constantly updating + I have storage issues so finding the data I have in my brain is its own struggle sometimes#every version of me is interested in people & I think that’s neat even if other people don’t understand that concept#sometimes I feel like an alien/robot whose sole task is just to study & support humanity & it’s very weird tbh
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fingertipsmp3 · 8 months
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I feel like I’ve lived through at least a month just in the past 3 days. I checked the date just now and damn near had an out of body experience when I realised Monday was only two days ago
#bro the absolute sodding emotional rollercoaster i have been through this past week should be studied by scientists#thursday: unsuccessful job interview. friday: found out that the job interview was unsuccessful. but one of the interviewers (actually a#former colleague of mine lol) gave me a piece of feedback that made me feel like i’d cracked the code for all future interviews#it was this: keep. talking. give as many details as humanly fucking possible. talk about policy. drop in words like safeguarding#list as many examples of stuff as you can. tell stories. bamboozle them#OH i forgot to even fucking mention we had builders at our house until friday. friday was the last day they woke me up with a cacophony#so the weekend was uneventful aside from there was a skip in the driveway and scaffolding all down the side of the house but zero men#monday: successful interview. found out it was successful 5 hours later. got off the phone having accepted the job…… and found a text from#my old boss (the boss i had at the job i really enjoyed. that old boss) inviting me to come back this summer#i had a bit of a mental breakdown but eventually decided to stick with the job i’d just got because it’s a permanent contract and they will#let me sit down#yesterday: found out that the foster doggy i applied for and really wanted is going to her forever home on thursday (which is now tomorrow)#obviously i love this for her but i was like ‘damn. okay’#today: the foster co-ordinator was like ‘hey do you want to foster this rambunctious 3 year old unneutered terrier?’#i was like ‘sure yeah what the fuck. that might as well happen’#(they are neutering him beforehand. and he looks really cute. he’s not aggressive he’s just a young terrier with like 3 brain cells)#unless something finally kills me in the meantime i’m picking him up on monday. i cancelled therapy in order to do this. yes i’m well aware#that there’s a metaphor somewhere in there but it’s fine. i rescheduled therapy#i also have realised i do not know how and when i’m going to get my ssri prescription renewed… i know the pharmacy will call me in a couple#of weeks to make sure i haven’t died. but i think i was supposed to get a prescription renewal at therapy#the therapy i won’t be going to until like 5 days after my prescription runs out. that therapy. foook#honestly withdrawal symptoms would probably just spice up the situation at this point. they’d just make things interesting#i swear to god everything always gets crazy and stupid right before my birthday… remember when i turned 26 and couldn’t drink because i#was on antibiotics for a kidney infection. and when i turned 27 and one of my wisdom teeth tried to emerge#this is like that except with dogs and jobs. at least the skip and the scaffolding are gone now#i AM trying to sell a sofa on facebook marketplace so wish me luck with that ig#personal
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bunnihearted · 7 months
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#maybe maybe one day i'll be ok??#maybe i'll manage to get my high school diploma#maybe i'll get a student housing apartment in another city. maybe i can study to become a pre school teacher...#(not my dream job but the only job that seems possible for me)#maybe i'll be able to work on my anxiety and avpd and become more calm#maybe i'll be able to exercise the way i want nd become physically strong#maybe i'll be brave enough to try apps to make girl friends i can hang out with???#maybe i'll get back into writing nd posting it. maybe i'llhave more fun w insta and taking photos again??#maybe i'll fix my relationship w my sisters nd talk to them again??#maybe if im lucky i'll meet someone who i fall in love w who falls for me too? maybe someone will one day choose to be with me??#maybe i can get a real apartment nd have a job? maybe i can even live w a partner one day? and maybe i'll have friends?#maybe i wont be all alone forever?? maybe i wont feel this alienated nd isolated for my entire life??#maybe maybe maybe my life can be alright....? can it really be?#i dont have much hope. but maybe??? plz plz plz let it be so let it be so#and maybe for now.. as im lower than i've ever been before..#maybe i just need to be able to eat more normally again. then i can have my coffe chocolate moments w youtube#and i can watch kdramas nd have dinner. which are two moments that make me feel ok nd calm#<<< i feel ashamed abt it but comforting eating is a thing for me. im gnna be alone 4ever anyway so might aswell just accept thats how i am#so yeah maybe maybe i'll start feel a bit better when i can disconnect from everything nd just get immersed in a kdrama nd have dinner lmao#idk. i just dont feel like i'll ever have a real life. i'll never have what i dream abt (which isnt even much. just love.. just love lmao)#so then i can daydream nd live by reading books nd watching kdramas nd tv shows nd also write a lot#but ofc in my freetime bc i need a job w a stable income nd my own apartment. even if i dont love my job i need one that i can be ok with
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