#i feel like i’m really bad at online friendships like i want to engage w people more and build relationships but am always afraid by trying

[causticsunshine]

.

[tosin-talks]

Tosin Talks about making friends and the roadtrip to myself

I haven’t been very vocal on this blog in a long time because I’m slightly ashamed of it. A lot has happened in the recent past that I’m still actively recovering and growing from. It’s been difficult to be myself—if I even know who that is—and accept most aspects of who I am. I desperately want a space to be my authentic self and where else is better to do so than the blog that’s dedicated to me talking about my somewhat unfiltered thoughts.

My first semester in this counseling master’s program is coming to an end! The most difficult part was adjusting to higher education in a new city all by myself; however, I’ve been in this situation during undergrad so I think I handled it better the second time around. I’ve done well in terms of academics and I’ve developed positive relationships with my professors and peers. I’ve learned so much fantastic information including various therapy modalities, qualities of a good counselor, and how to navigate being a counselor with a lived experience! It’s so cool to be part of the club after years of dreaming of this. I’ve wanted to be a therapist since I took AP Psychology in 9th grade; I give tons of thanks to my amazing teacher for fostering my love for the way the mind works. I’m learning what it’s like to be in the other seat during therapy; finally being in this position is a testament that things do get better. I don’t say this often but I’m glad that I didn’t take my life at 10 or 17 or 19. I’m honored to still be here, learning how to help others remain here. I wanted to get better so that I can help others get better and I’m getting closer and closer to that point.

Along with being in a new city all by myself came the difficulty of making friends. Most of the times that I’ve cried recently have concerned feeling alone and being worried about how others will perceive me. Since my last Tosin Talk, I’ve deactivated my personal social media accounts and I don’t really talk to anyone from college. A lot of my personality relied on social media and although the person I am online is almost identical with who I am in person, I feel like I don’t know how to be a person anymore. I find it difficult to know myself outside of my relationships and social interactions so the loss of those friendships felt like losing myself too. After two years of virtual school and a year of being back home, I’m desperate to make friends. News flash: making friends in your twenties is hard! I’m still not in a place where I feel like myself; I’m still in the process of finding myself and recovering from the damage that the pandemic did to my social and emotional development. I’m trying to balance being myself but being cautious of how much of myself that I reveal to people because I don’t want to “scare them away”. I’ve spent many nights crying about how my friends may not feel the same way about me or they think I’m annoying or they think I’m too fucked up to be a counselor or I talk too much or talk too little or that I don’t make any sense when I do talk. Fortunately, I’ve made a great group of friends and I admire many things about each of their personalities. I’m grateful for their presence in my life and the fact that they include me; I appreciate them more than they probably know. It warms my heart that they want to get to know me and spend time with me. 

I often worry that my desperation for friendship and connection is obvious to everyone. I try not to ask others to hang out or have study sessions too often. Grad school is very different from my freshman and sophomore year of undergrad when if I was having a bad day or wanted social interaction, I could just walk to campus or down the street to my friends’ apartments. We were all at similar points in our lives too so there was plenty of relatability and encouragement for friendship. Time and again, I find myself reminiscing on undergrad and thinking, I miss having friends…I used to do fun things with my friends…I miss exploring and engaging with the world…I miss dressing up and going out…I miss connection and intimacy…I miss myself, I miss being myself…I miss being full of love and light…I miss hugging friends and holding hands as we cross the street…I miss sleeping on the couch after having a day of picnicking or a night of drunk karaoke. But those times are over and I don’t know if I’ll ever get those kinds of connections or feelings again. Granted, there were some pretty god-awful events during undergrad but the highlights were some of the best moments of my life. It’s been implied by others that I need to grow up, be professional, and deal with the way life is but there’s this incessant call telling me that what I really need is to be myself and live a life of fulfillment.  

I have a particular intrigue with Jungian therapy; I’m fascinated with the idea that we have a desire to become our whole Self again. I truly feel like I’m in the middle of a journey back to myself. This roadtrip to my whole Self has been filled with many flat tires but beautiful sunsets; overheating engines but delicious food at local diners; heavy rain but lovely conversations. In an article about Jungian group therapy, Justin Hecht mentions that at some point in an individual’s life, there is a call from their psyche that their life is “felt to be devoid of meaning” (Hecht, 2011). I’ve recently become dissatisfied and even angry with my life—I’m finally at a point where I’m not constantly experiencing trauma and intense symptoms of a mental illness…so why am I still unhappy with my life? What am I missing? What am I still doing wrong? I feel that I have suffered enough and worked extremely hard to pull myself up from rock bottom; I deserve to live a life that I enjoy. 

I think I’m in the stage of finally acknowledging the call but feeling unsure of what to do next. I assume that I’ll figure out the next steps soon, as I’m completing my master’s and even beyond, so I’m hopeful. I’m excited to learn more about the formerly repressed parts of myself and more about the world. I'm excited for the life that I’ll live in the future. I know there are still some tire bursting potholes ahead of me but the opportunity to enjoy the scenery or get to know someone new will make the pit stops worth it. 

References

Hecht, J. B. (2011). Becoming Who We Are in Groups: One Jungian’s Approach to Group Psychotherapy. Group, 35(2), 151–165. http://www.jstor.org/stable/41716127  Background music by Eric Godlow Beats (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msNh_Ou_nwU)

[literaphobe]

Two questions:

1. What do you feel about CorpsexSykunno ship?

I feel like it's MarkiplierxJacksepticeye all over again, starts out innocent and turns uncomfortable.

(Also I think real people shipping is gross in general)

2. Dream smp makes me so nervous, not necessarily because of any of the members but due to (1) the history of online teams dominated (and lead) by male influencers, (2) minecraft youtube's general history of exploiting fans. I feel like it's going to end badly. You seem to be enjoying it tho, and it's definitely up my alley, should I get into it?

1. Corpse and Sykkuno are not comfortable being shipped! Neither of them are okay with being shipped with ANY of their friends in general, so like, don’t do it, or if u do like. i guess just don’t say anything about it? it’s really not hard to just enjoy their friendship. like it’s an endearing friendship n there’s nothing wrong w liking it. but. nothing more u know. plus both of them have made it clear on several occasions that they’re both straight and my gaydar agrees JFKDKDK like they’re just. Friends. Who care about each other :)

I definitely think it’s not like the markiplier x jacksepticeye situation, because for one u have jack himself telling people not to ship etc etc and also BECAUSE of that u have people actively policing any form of shipping. it’s honestly gotten to the point where it’s annoying but i genuinely don’t think it’s that big a problem, plus the rising popularity of the amigops puts less pressure on one-on-one corpse + sykkuno interactions, since people now wanna see all four of them play games together n not just corpse n sykkuno!

2. I get why Dream SMP would make u nervous. An interesting thing I realized when I started finding out more about people on that server is that there’s marginally more poc on it than I previously thought and also A LOTTTTT more lgbt+ people than i previously thought. Like genuinely why are so many of u so gay. And like that affects the stories being told obviously. Like. I don’t think it’s perfect n I don’t follow EVERY person on the SMP, just like i obviously don’t know everything about every minecraft YouTuber like fkdkdkdk i would say the only people i watch are dream, george, quackity (and even then i haven’t seen most of quackity’s YouTube videos) and like I’ve seen a couple of tommyinnit’s videos Fjdjdjdj and sapnap obviously but he has like 10 videos and i watch Karl’s streams if certain people are on it. yeah i think that’s about it like i do like the feral boys (dream george karl quackity sapnap) and i have seen maybe one or two skeppy videos

Anyway I get ur concerns about online circles dominated by male influencers too. but quite frankly compared to past circles ive seen its genuinely not that bad and also. In terms of holding them accountable, I think mcyttwt makes VERY sure of that (which honestly has devolved into a problem. because privileged haters will dig up stuff on creators that either a. has been addressed properly or b. is just. several years old and i don’t like how minorities are being weaponized. also i cannot stress how little i care that some minecraft YouTuber said the r slur 10 years ago when they literally never do it now. like. i worry so much because so many of these stans who think they’re ‘educating’ are just wearing themselves out n burning themselves out. so many of them are minors too)

but like. the people i am kept up w definitely do take responsibility and accountability. like dream especially gets accused of stuff that’s either fake/not him or something that’s just like out of this world (e.g. accused of queerbaiting. w george. interestingly no one ever accuses george directly of doing this) and no matter what he like addresses it properly and accordingly. like looking at his journey as a creator over the past year he’s grown a LOT and changed so much and matured a lot and i think like. looking at how much he’s blowing up and how much more of a following he’ll gain. I feel much better that it’s him who has this following as compared to. Certain people. And like. It’s upsetting to see how a lot of people have this impression of him that’s objectively false? Due to all the fake stuff that gets spread by haters (most often white for some reason???)? Because genuinely he’s not the creator we need to be so worried about?

Anyway in terms of getting into mcyts in the dream smp. I knew who Dream was because he’s played among us w the amigops a lot n they all like him because he’s just a good natured amicable person. I vaguely knew who george was because of dnf n also people putting his stupid face on my tl all the time. I thought he was pretty n hated that I thought that. I don’t care anymore tho. Like what’s wrong w looking at pretty people. I deserve it. Anyway! I got into their videos through GEORGE first, funnily. I think Minecraft, But I’m Not Colorblind Anymore was the first one I watched and it’s very very good. It’s endearing because it’s George trying out colorblind glasses for the first time n he’s nervous but Dream is there with him to make him feel more comfortable. And also Dream is so happy n emotional (he talks about tearing up at the thought of George being able to see colors properly) and their friendship is just very endearing. The video starts w george taking a colorblind test and we find out he has protan colorblindness (severity: STRONG which makes them crack jokes about how George is SO strong 😤)

anyway these losers. Decide to test the colorblind glasses on colors in MINECRAFT because of course that’s the whole video and it’s really heartwarming to see George learn how colors look like again n Dream just being excited about it the whole time n then George taking the colorblind test again at the end but with the glasses on... n then u go on to watch more george videos but it’s the ANIMAL CHALLENGES. like George Speedruns Minecraft But His Friend Is (Insert Animal, This Animal Is Always Dream) and like...... yeah so I watched a bunch of George’s videos n I went onto dream’s channel out of curiosity

And i was like. What the fuck. These videos are so WEIRDLY named. What the fuck is Finale, Finale Rematch, Grand Finale???? But dream has adhd too and in hindsight I absolutely would’ve titled the videos in a similarly confusing way. Anyway dreams manhunt videos are...... a work of art. I swear to god like even if u don’t know jackshit about minecraft they are very entertaining and weirdly impressive.

Basically in Minecraft Manhunt: Dream has to beat the game, but his friends are there trying to kill him. If they kill him even ONCE, they win n the video ends. He’s allowed to kill them repeatedly though. Manhunt started with one hunter (George, to one’s surprise), then two hunters (Sapnap and George), three (Sapnap, George, BadBoyHalo), and now four (Sapnap, George, BadBoyHalo, Antfrost). The next stage is possibly 5 hunters but idk who is the fifth yet. Anyway the thing that’s so entertaining about minecraft manhunt is:

1) Dream’s Parkour & PVP skills, which he developed and trained over such a short period of time n got REALLY good, it’s satisfying to watch him do risky maneuvers n succeed, the ways he’ll jump from a high place but clutch w either water, blocks, horses, boats, scaffolding, etc, to escape from the hunters

2) Dream’s TRAPS, like he actually does research for possible plans n traps he could do to counter the hunters, since there’s so many of them and only one of him, and he can’t just fight them in combat exclusively, since he’ll lose eventually if he gets ganged up on. I won’t spoil any of his traps, but they’re very good and also very dramatic. It’s amazing

3) The banter and taunting!! The lies and tricks!! They’re all really close so it’s easy for them to crack jokes during a lull where neither party is engaged in a fight, they’re all on the same VC so they can potentially say stuff to trick each other, or they can hear the other team say stuff that gives them an edge

4) The editing. Like the pacing is incredible, and all the bgm used is SO good at setting the atmosphere n making things more tense n exciting etc. like “dream’s manhunt music” is honestly a meme at this point but he actually unironically uses it and it unironically makes the videos better. Also dream edits all the manhunt videos by himself!! he doesn’t hire editors to do it for him or anything

idk what else to say but yeah I watch most of dream n george’s YouTube videos and they’re in most of each other’s videos and I like their dynamic a lot!! Especially since they still have not met in real life but already know they want to like live together (forever, according to George), and it like reminds me of the friendships I have because most of my close friendships have been made online. And like. They remind me that online friendships aren’t actually inferior. That’s it :) sorry this is so long

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[lordsalehi]

ʻ   / wow ,   i am so excited  to introduce berlin sari to  our current  students at cape  coral . she  is  extremely  excited to  join  track and field & honors society.   coming  in as a  twenty two year  old sophomore  ,  they  shouldn’t  worry about  fitting in .   the cis female  scorpio  has  always  reminded  me of medalion rahimi  , but  some people  don’t see it .   trying to keep the  fact that she’s the side piece of a cape coral parent   from  getting  around this  school is going  to be tough . no  worries , though ,   cape coral will create  a new life for them , i  assure you . ʼ  

my momma used to say ‘baby make me proud’, you’ve got such a pretty face, but such a dirty mouth

NAME — berlin avery salehi.

NICKNAMES — n/a?

PRONOUNS — she/her.

AGE & DOB — 22 & november 8, 1997.

PLACE OF BIRTH — lewiston, maine.

NATIONALITY — american.

MAJOR — music and audio engineering.

EDUCATION — prev. parker community college, now cape coral international.

CLUBS — honors society, track & field.

* background overview !

so for ten years, it was berllin, her older brother, her mom, and her dad. everything was honestly pretty normal, he worked as a bank teller and her mom was an elementary school teacher. 

when she was ten, her mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and began treatment, it was in the middle of her moms chemo treatments that her dad decided he was done and left the three of them on their own. 

her older brother was stuck taking care of them both, berlin helped where she could, but it wasn’t exactly in the means of income. 

her mom did go into remission, but later it came back when berlin was 15. as soon as she turned 16, it was her brothers turn to leave them, claiming he was tired of it.  

from then on, she taught both piano and guitar lessons to anyone who was willing to let her teach as a means to support herself and her mom. 

music was and always has been a massive part of her life and was one of the few things she used as an escape when everyday life was just Too Much, so getting to teach others was something she really liked to do. 

when she was 18, one of her student’s parents had taken an interest in her and invited her over for dinner where they offered her the opportunity to be with them. she said yes and began her secret relationship, mostly using the money they gave her to help pay rent and for groceries, or if it was things, then it allowed her to use the money from lessons for other things. 

she was taking classes at pcc mostly online so that she had more time to be at home, but when the parents she was dating mentioned that the school their child was attending, cape coral, was offering a scholarship they encouraged her to apply. 

* personality !

god she is... kind of a mess. 

like being bitter is probably one of her defining personality traits, and it’s not even towards rich people bc of their money or anything, she’s just like bitter that THIS is the life she ended up with.

she can definitely sit and just have a normal conversation without chewing someone’s head off but she never really seems particularly cheery.

she’s one of those people that likes to run to blow off steam, which isn’t the worst thing in the world, but she’ll leave and go running at like 2am bc she’s stressed. 

is a hardass and thinks she’s like top shit even though she has absolutely no reason to be? thinks because she doesn’t directly “engage” or involve herself in drama that she’s better than everyone

is NOT afraid to call you out on your bullshit bc she really doesn’t have time to deal with it at all 

really, keeps a lot of people at a distance and doesn’t really like getting close to people because they can just leave whenever they want to. and she’ll never admit it but she doesn’t want to get hurt.

she’s double majoring in music (basic she knows) but in audio production as well, eventually she wants to produce music, whether it’s someone else’s or her own.

prefers to keep her private life mostly private? like what and how much she shares honestly just depends on her mood.

* character tropes !

so i was thinking and really, she’s a bit of the Corruptor. which sounds bad, but it’s kinda like, she’s so far up her own ass she thinks she’s better than everyone and that people need to be brought down from their pedestals and clouds. so she tends to poke at people until they show their worst sides, or sides they don’t necessarily like very much. i also saw a little bit of the Femme Fatale in her too, just because she’s gorgeous (duh) and fully uses that to her advantage when she can, like the affair turned sugar daddy/baby situation she has with one of the cape coral parents.

* playlist !

kings — tribe society:

i’ve been through the darkest of caves and suffering one hundred  steps off the end of the road painted with passion, my favorite color hope i’m alive when the story gets old we could be free 

this goes with both her personality and her past tbh. she’s really headstrong and not afraid to take the lead on anything she’s passionate about, but also won’t let anyone else sway her opinion on anything, like at all. it’s like trying to push a round stone up a hill. when looking at her past, it’s not anywhere near rainbows and butterflies. her dad left her family when she was really young, and her mom has been sick with recurrent cancer for years. for a while, her older brother helped take care of her and their mom, but when she turned 16 he left, leaving her to fend for the both of them. as awful as it sounds, all she wants is to be free of everything that’s held her down, she feels bad for wanting out, but she’s so tired of it all now.

monsters — ruelle:

one misstep, you’re mine and you better stay clever if you wanna survive once you cross the line you’ll be wishing you would listen  when you meet your demise 

funnily enough, this isn’t really as serious as it should be. the vibe IS her, i’ll tell you, but this is really where the Scott Disick comes in. like she’s very take no shit but will definitely call you out on your shit. more of a if you make yourself look stupid, or give her the chance to roast/call you out, she will and isn’t really worried about what’s going to come from it. not her fault it could expose or embarrass you for any reason!

something to hold on to — the band camino:

do you ever think of me? after everything give me something to hold on to  i need just a little piece  i’ll take anything 

so this, two things as well. i know the song’s a breakup song but it’s kinda at her dad and brother for just up and leaving her and her mom, kinda like the one time she’ll show any vulnerability is when she really wishes they had stayed. but also, she’s really musical, it’s her one escape and this is probably the style of music she likes to listen to and play.

* aesthetics !

sneaking out at 2am, vintage t-shirts, scrunchies, the satisfaction of snoozing the alarm clock, worn combat boots, long sleepless nights, calloused fingers pulling at guitar strings, quiet sounds of piano, an exhausted body finally laying down to sleep, black coffee, backhanded compliments, stone cold stares, the lure of seduction.

* character inspo !

scott disick (kuwtk) , rebeca de bormujo avalos (elite) , jade west (victorious)

* wanted plots !

i’m still not any better at coming up w plots so this is the Same

general friends: honestly some from childhood, some from high school, others from college, give me New friend with the people coming on scholarship, anything

best friends: someone that’s been by her side for years, someone she’d literally trust with her whole life

ride or dies: honestly what it says, maybe like one or two of them that have been through the thick and thin of it but still have a really strong friendship in the end?

confidant: honestly, probably someone she’s close with, but doesn’t see on a regular basis? 

better influence: someone who can teach her to let go and ease up more, and to not be so angry all the time

exes ( good, bad, anything in between ): you know the drill, hit me with the good angst. (male, female, nb)

roommate: rent ain’t cheap! 

hook ups: you also know this drill, but this is pretty much all berlin does (male, female, nb)

[modern-oedipus]

Check-List for the Goals I settled for 2019

The funny mistake I’ve made earlier lead me think about what I’ve expected from 2019 when we started it. I found a list of the goals I made while we were entering the new year’s and here is a realistic evaluation of how it went.

• First of all, I wanted to manage my depressive episodes better. I wanted to have them less frequently. I wanted not to be absolutely crashed if a trigger hit me. Here’s how it went with a rough statistics (yes, because I’m a soon-to-be scientist, I actually made a graph of my own mood swings as if I am a test subject).

✔️ January was absolutely terrible for me. I had so much anxiety because of a toxic relationship and I wasn’t sure if I could ever live without that person. I failed two classes and withdraw a third one. I was super anxious about my internships. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be on the path I was and I was also having financial troubles. Also, one of my pet birds had passed away.

✔️ February was the month I truly felt like something in me was changing for the better. I felt like something clicked after the winter break— when I was, in a funny way, forbidden from consuming sugar for three days. I used to eat a lot of sugar/sweets to cope with my stress back then, to the point I still amaze at myself for not being overweight, plus size, or developing diabetes; because I really was eating too much sweets. But then I had a conversation with my father that feels unworldy, and combinated with the tree days no sugar diet and beginning of the new semester I suddenly felt like, even if I couldn’t fix everything, I could fix something. I had to start, regardless of how little. So I started by eating carefully— so significiantly less sugar consumed than I used to be, but I didn’t force it all at once. So if I were eating 3 brownies a day I decreased it step by step to 2 brownies a day, one brownie a day, and... At November 2019, it is probably a brownie once in 15 days. With even more pleasure than eating 3 brownies at once. (Don’t worry, I still let myself be free of eating whatever I want occassionally. I’m taking care of my health). Anyway. I started to hit up gym in my college for first time ever. I was so painfully inconsistent, but I knew that much was to be expected, so instead of getting angry at myself for not being a regular I just appreciated myself for going despite not being a regular.

✔️ March was a turnpoint. I decided to be bold enough to pursue my ex hobbies that I lost because of depression, one of them being writing. I’ve had a strong muse for Norman back then. I made a new account on Facebook. I knew no one, but to my luck I made so many friends. I drowned in NorRay ship with a very nice roleplay partner. I built new friendships away from the toxic partner of mine who was seriously causing a lot of damage on me. By the end of March we broke up and— surprise, my world didn’t end. I felt so refreshed, so alive, as if I was freed of my chains, and up until this day this feeling stands. I was more eager to pursue new hobbies, talk about my interests and do crazy shit instead of worrying my ex would think. I was happier. Much happier. This too, is still valid.

✔️ April was... unworldly. Because something that relates to my society happened as a big improvement and I was extremely positively surprised. This feeling is valid up to this day as well.

✔️ May... May was wild. I got kissed by a random stranger at the spring fest party. This fucking event lead me to write Conflict. Seriously. I built stronger friendships, online and offline, during this month. I felt truly connected.

✔️ June!!! June was so weird! It was my first break after one or maybe two years of depression. It was my first free holiday in which I didn’t reall feel like I was a waste of time, space, effort, money, etc. I got to walk around streets with a burden off my shoulders after so long. I got to look forward to the next days. The insecurities hit me up sometimes, but significantly less frequently, as I aimed in the beginning of the year. At this point I have had lost a good 5 kgs and had been eating very healthily too, and I was enjoying this new healthier lifestyle I adapted. This is still valid too.

Let’s examine June a little more carefully. At the end of the June I was going to go out of town to have an internship at a very prestigious university out of town. Which meant I had to stay in student dorms. I had no background about my field of internship yet. I was going to be utterly alone and I was freaking out about it. I’ve spent last week of June extremely tense because I don’t live in dorms normally and sharing a space with people and being alone at a professional place and things like doing laundry felt terrifying. But at the same time I was proud of myself because I’ve had always wondered how life would be living in a college campus, and this school I went was the best in my country equal to the university I am attending. Overall, it was prestigious and I was very excited.

Another important thing about June was that I’ve had written almost ALL of Conflict in my head with two of my roleplay partners eagerly listening to me and encouraging me whenever I plotted.

Have you noticed this?

My story was completed BEFORE I even posted.

At the end of June, a few days before I was about to leave for the internship, I had a breakdown. I had a bad breakdown. I had first draft of Conflict completed but I could never get to edit it. I could never get to post it. I didn’t even have an account. I didn’t really expect much interest in the story either, I just... I don’t know. I think I just thought, “Wow, this plot is so feelsy. I shouldn’t keep it buried in me. Maybe other people will love it too.” and I... kept Conflict waiting... for so long. Then I had a breakdown thinking I can’t do a fucking thing right and I’ll never get to post anything because I always let my “depression” take over it— which is a funny excuse because I wasn’t even depressed at June. Scared yes, but not depressed. I hate playing the victim. Objectively speaking, I wasn’t at my best but it wasn’t my worst either. Anyway. I left first chapter of Conflict linger there for a few weeks, hopeless that I could ever post.

✔️ Then comes July. I came to the internship city! It was AWESOME. I LOVED the campus, LOVED the experience, LOVED my field, and ENJOYED dorm life. I made many friends. I had roommates. I worked out more often. I went to sightseeing. I extended my network. I did A LOT of fun stuff.

On the first night I was at dorms, my two roommates were out. I didn’t know anyone yet. I had ONE night free to do anything. I was... in an awe. So I opened the documents. I looked at the pretty sight from my dorm room and I said, “Well, let’s do this.”

It was like a torture to finish that first chapter.

I had no expectations when I posted.

But oh my god, it felt like something clicked when I posted! Getting my story POSTED was a significant proof that I was SERIOUSLY moving on from the LAST traces of depression. It was something I created. It was MY productivity. It was ME. But in a way it was everyone. I felt extremely happy. Oh— did I mention Conflict is my first fanfiction?

Anyway, then I began to look forward to updating. Living in campus had it’s amazing advantages, such as no time wasted on transport, and ability to chill at coffee shops or 24/7 open library ALL NIGHT if I wanted. Which was wayyy less depressing than the environment of my house. I wrote. I felt super engaged. The simple fact that I could exist and produce something and have other people respond to it was something I could never imagine myself doing back on my depressed days. (But I could totally imagine this BEFORE I got in depression. In a way, I was back. I am still back. And I’m so grateful.)

I wasn’t only fooling around to write, though. I’ve been learning a lot. Experiencing a lot. Living a lot. It was amazing. I even binge watched Harry Potter with my roommate— and I hadn’t rewatched it before. (I had fucking forgotten that Sirius died, lmao.)

I also briefly fell in love again. It was a nice brief summer thing. Still think she’s amazing.

I need to go now, actually, so I’m abrubtly cutting this post off halfway to edit later. I don’t know what I earn by sharing this. I’m definitely not looking for attention— maybe you’ve realized it before but I give very little fucks about what people around me say (except for constructive critism). But somehow, I felt as if someone needed to see this. I don’t know that person. I don’t know who they are and when they are reading this. I just want people to know that there is an example of a girl who seriously changed a lot within span of a year by constant hard work, gentle-self-talks, and constant push-throughs even when she’s not motivated. Right now I’m far from being depressed nor suicidal, I’ve lost enough weight to dress up all bold clothes I LOVE to wear, I’ve built self-confidence, etc, as I will edit later. I just... want you all to know... even if this is not valid for everyone if you want something to happen you have to MAKE it happen. And it actually HAPPENS when you MAKE it happen. So, you don’t have to stay stuck in a bad cycle. You don’t even need a new year’s eve to do this. I started at february, see?

So do your best! I’m cheering for you!

Edit: I’m back. So point of this post was to check whether I’ve reached my goal of having less frequent depressive episodes. (Because I know I’m human and depressive episodes can hit ANYONE, so I didn’t have an unrealistic “I’ll never experience this again” expectation but I did have the expectation of “I’ll experience this maybe once or twice in a year, move on fast w/o unhealthy coping mechanisms and I’ll stay connected to LIFE instead of dissosciation” and I’ve achieved this.

A fast summary would be,

July built my self confidence at all aspects, from my hobbies to my career, my social skills to my curiosities. It was amazing.

August-September was vacation. One month of having a blissful vacation without feeling like a burden. One month of having full bliss. No depressive episodes not even once. I was regularly working out and I didn’t gain any weight even though I eat sweets and nice food everyday because of “holiday”. I went to a dietician in the end to find out my blood sugar is very healthy and my weight is normal now.

At the end of September & beginning of October I was nervous because of school, but I handled a lot better. I have done my best. I have truly done my best. I attended almost all lectures, I engaged in the material, asked all questions on my mind, went office hours, stayed active in newspaper, continued to hit up gym regularly, built more friendships, ALSO STAGED A THEATRE TEXT I HAVE WRITTEN LIKE THAT WAS AMAZING, and— and—

I don’t know, fast through November it doesn’t feel enough. I don’t know what I’ve honestly expected. But I expected to feel smarter or something, because science is hard shit. I expected better grades than this because I have honestly given it my all best. But the fact that my friends called me to reassure me made me really happy because one of my other goals was to build friendships and to think people, online and offline, check up on me makes me tear up. Especially when they are genuniely by my side as friends. It just feels so nice. So I’m feeling bittersweet.

I couldn’t lose any more weight since June, but I kept gaining/losing in some balance and I’m stable by now. My aim for February is to... lose 10 kgs in total— in a year. Which means I’ve got 4 kgs left to get rid of extra weight. I’m not really obsessed with body image, I’ve never been, but... What will I even do if I do not eat healthy and exercise? I mean, what’ll I even do? I like exercising and healthy eating. So I should just prevent stressful eating further so I can get rid of all the extra stuff. I’m already wearing all the pretty clothes I want and I do get stares because ;; idk they look cute I’m cute. Not in a narcissitic way. But self-love is important. I’m bi anyway, I do think girls are cute so since I’m a girl why shouldn’t I be cute as well?? A very feminine girl in fact, so like, hell yes, at least Nila can now wear whatever she wants and feels like she looks good on them so ONE OF THE MAJOR GOALS OF 2019 is fucking SETTLED!!

I’m planning to meet up my dietician again soon, and say that, “Look, I’ve come this far. Let’s lose 4 kgs in next 4 months. It makes 1 kg a month. Amazingly managable right? So guide me so I don’t ruin my health while thinning.”

So, I’ve managed my three major goals: Get rid of depression (learn how to burn it if it hits you); get a body you not only appreciate but feel genuniely HAPPY to be in; and built friendships and strengthen your bonds with people.

My two other major goals are incompleted, though. To cut it short, I wanted to get a better academic standing— from my first midterm grades I couldn’t really achieve that no matter how hard I tried, which is truly upsetting, but I have no choice but to go on. I love my major. I love science. I genuniely want to stay in this field. I don’t think I’m too idiotic to be a scientist. Sometimes I do think that, okay, but that’s a common thought in STEM majors. I do want to believe that what I work on will make a difference. It will have a meaning. So even though these results... are very discouraging to the point I felt really bad today, as if I could somehow, I don’t know, have a panic attack or something (I did not, I don’t have chronic anxiety or panic attacks or whatever, never experienced this). I just felt close to it, with increased heartbeat and feeling a bit dizzy and also very... imbalanced. But that’s probably because I didn’t eat well today, I unintentionally ate very little hence probably it exhausted me combined with bad news and saturday’s breakdown. Anyway. I have no choice but to go on, believing it will be better. My last major goal was to have a romantic partner, haha. Because I just want to. I mean, I don’t think I need to justify why I’d want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and I don’t think I worked hard for this goal lol. I mean, I didn’t go out of my way to reach people. I liked like... three people this year, I still like one of them, but... It didn’t... go far. That’s probably because I still haven’t completely shaken off my shyness and unwillingness to get out of my comfort zone.

In conclusion, I have achieved 3/5 of my goals, which is more than half of it! So good job! For the girlfriend/boyfriend part, I, haha, I may neglect it for this year I mean it’s dumb to date someone just because??? You want to date before year ends right??? I mean, I’m not exactly angry at myself for that because it’s not only in my control so I think I forgive myself for not achieving that goal.

Academics though.

Ugh, academics are extremely terrifying to me.

That’s one big thing I need to settle.

On the bright side I have— two months! Silly me thought I have just one! So... let me... work hard in these two months!!!! And I’ll update if I can get a better GPA this semester. And if I get a lover. It’s ok not to have lovers but at least let me keep the GPA high I BEG you.

I’ve got new goals settled for 2020. But I will focus on achieving my last two goals before the year ends (academics mostly) and... update!

I don’t know who needs to read this. But I don’t mind having my journey posted at this point. I still feel very uncomfortable talking about depression, actually. But it was my reality. Now that I truly moved on, I can talk about it and critisize myself for all good and all bad.

I hope, to anyone who bothered to read so long, it gave some hope. That things can get better. That you CAN make things better little by little. 2020 can be your year. Or you can start on this very day like I randomly started on February (I didn’t have a thing for February, I just so happened to decide).

I’ll always be cheering those who do their best to make a difference.

Stay safe and let’s work hard. ❤️

Disclaimer: Some of my kind hearted readers were worried about me because Conflict describes unhealthy mindsets. Don’t worry— more than half of them are not based on my real life experiences! I’m not self-harming (never did, don’t think I ever will), neglecting antidepressants (I never used any actually), have suicidal tendencies (well, that part was real but no longer valid) AND I DON’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP LIKE NORMAN/PETER sO Y’ALL CAN CHILL thank you for worrying about me I love you all

And I’ll be more than happy to be your goals-buddy if you want to change something about yourself as well!!!

[cookinguptales]

So this came up on Twitter yesterday and I thought I’d post about it on Tumblr today. Frankly speaking, I’ve got a lot of young followers and this is some truth I wish someone had taught me when I was a lot younger because I would’ve gone through a lot less stress.

I know we’re all starved for outside validation on this site, but I wanna talk to you about when compliments are used by creeps. Now, you probably know about negging (when someone uses a backhanded compliment on you to make you feel bad about yourself, often in order to pick you up more easily — i.e. “you’re really pretty for a fat girl”), creepy sexualized comments on the street, etc. But I’m talking about really nice compliments about your work or your personality or your drive. Even the sweetest compliment can be used as a weapon.

(All this is going to be a pretty gendered discussion; I in no way want to say that only guys can be creeps and only women have been socialized in the ways I’m about to discuss, but, well. Let’s all be real here, there are definite patterns.)

Discussion under a cut for length and possible triggers

I don’t want to get into a lot of my own painful personal experiences with creepy guys, but I do have to bring up some examples from my own life, so I’ll use one particular guy as a case study. Let’s call him Dick. (Look, I never claimed to be mature.) I’ve had these experiences with guys IRL, but Dick was a guy I met online. At first, Dick was my friend. He clearly had a bit of a crush, but seemed to accept it when I said I wasn’t interested. It was nice having a bud who shared my interests and I knew he had some issues with socializing, so at first I was pretty patient with his problems with boundaries. But by the time my longstanding friendship with Dick ended, he had become a full-blown stalker — and my friends were on his side.

How did this happen? Well, my friends, it’s the art of the public compliment. Dick was All About Me. He loved me. He treated me right. He praised me for my mind and my heart, and he didn’t care who heard him do it. Or so I thought. It took a long time for me to realize it, but he cared very much who heard it. That was exactly why he said it. To be heard.

Over time, I started to become more and more uncomfortable with Dick’s attentions. He wanted to talk about me more than he did the media we’d bonded over. He kept talking about how our (respective) children would grow up together, and would maybe fall in love. (???) He told me that he’d gone to a place I often vacation at — and he’d looked around for tangible traces of me. Long story short, Dick had become pretty creepy.

But, like many women, my first instinct in this situation was to be nice. I wanted to go to him privately and have a polite conversation about all this. And, to his credit, he seemed truly and honestly repentant. Until he did it again. It became a pattern of me trying to establish boundaries and Dick stomping all over them. Finally, despite feeling guilty, I told him he was really upsetting me and I wanted him to leave me alone for a while.

This is when the second creepy pattern emerged. The compliment trap. When I told him to stop contacting me, he didn’t…technically. He didn’t talk to me. He talked about me. He publicly talked about what a great person I was. How smart. How kind. How forgiving. He said it to my friends. He said it to people I respected. And he tagged me.

Now, this looked nice on the outside. He was just complimenting a woman he respects! How nice! But on my side of things, it felt like a trap. All of my friends were waiting for me to acknowledge these compliments. The situation left me with three choices: thank him (in a demure, polite way befitting a modest woman, ofc) and be forced to interact with a man I’d told to leave me alone,  ignore him and look like a stuck up bitch, or say publicly that he’s a creep — which would make me look like I was “hysterical”. (See: rape culture, women “overreacting”, punishing men who “just want to be nice”, etc.)

Left with this choice, I chose option #1. I chose option #1 a bunch of times. Because this would become a pattern. I’d tell him to stop contacting me, he’d do this public complimenting game, I’d feel like I had to interact with him — and worse, I’d question my own feelings of fear. I’d say “Well, look how nice he’s being. Maybe he’s just awkward. He clearly likes me. He doesn’t want to hurt me. Maybe I really was overreacting.” And I’d talk to him again. Until he’d ask me for my address for a Christmas card or something.

And I didn’t realize for a really long time that he wasn’t being nice! This behavior! It was not nice! It was deeply emotionally manipulative! He’d put this horrible emotional onus on me to forgive and forgive and forgive, steadily gaslighting me into forgetting how scared I’d been until I blamed myself for being so quick to react… and let him back into my life. Because this was all public. All our “fighting” happened in private. All those times I begged him to just ease up a little were privy to only the two of us. All our friends, all my support system, only saw a nice boy with a crush praising a girl he liked and her refusing to give him the time of day.

Guess what happened when I finally put my foot down and stopped engaging when he did this? Oh boy. Oh boy. He started sending me literally dozens of messages a day, sometimes over a hundred. Have you ever had a person sending you @s on tumblr and twitter, private messages on tumblr and twitter, public and private messages on Facebook, emails, LJ messages, IMs on two different clients, and forum messages? Every single goddamn day? Dozens of times? Have you ever had a guy start showing interest in something you know he never liked before — just so he can “coincidentally” run into you on every community you’ve ever joined?

Honestly, I was so stressed. In tears all the time. My school work was suffering. No matter how many times I tried to tell him to stop, to avoid him, etc., he just kept going. I told him that we were done. No more forgiveness. I wanted absolutely zero contact — and I wanted him to never mention me on social media again. I didn’t want him to @ me. I didn’t want him to say my name. I didn’t want him to make thinly veiled sad posts about me. Zero contact. If he did that, I wouldn’t block him on every single platform and tell everyone we knew.

Yeah, I was dumb. I still wanted to be nice and polite. He’d been my friend, y’know? I didn’t want to ruin his life. I just wanted him to stop ruining mine. Even then, I didn’t understand how manipulative he’d been. I still believed he was just kind of awkward, and that I was probably the dick for being unable to deal with it. After all, I’d been friends with him, right? I’d encouraged him, right? It’d felt good to have someone like me so much, right?

(Yeah, until it didn’t.)

I almost got out this time, though. He almost made it. Sure, he “accidentally” replied to my posts every few weeks. (Somehow I didn’t put together that even though I’d unfollowed him, he clearly hadn’t unfollowed me. I guess I just thought that he’d kept seeing my posts when our mutual friends replied to them.) I felt pretty good. In fact, I was at a point where I felt almost silly for being upset in the first place. And then our mutual friends started asking me why we weren’t talking as much. He’d liked me so much. We’d had such good conversations. They talked about maybe reconnecting with him. After all, they’d only ever seen him being nice.

And god help me, I said okay. I figured he must have grown! Learned his lesson! Nah, that fucker was back to sending me tons of messages, talking to my friends (who did not know him), inserting himself in conversations I was having with others, making plans for the children I never wanted to have, etc.

I finally blocked him. E v e r y w h e r e. And I felt so fucking relieved that I was actually angry with myself for not doing it earlier. This man had harassed me for years, and I’d been the one to feel guilty over it.

Still private, I contacted our mutual friends and told them very briefly that he’d been harassing me and I was cutting off contact. I asked them to support me. Some people did.

A lot of people didn’t.

They’d only seen his public face. They’d only seen the avalanche of love and compliments. He hadn’t known better!! He just didn’t know how to express his feelings!! Next thing I knew, they were forwarding messages from him to me. Even after I’d blocked the fucker, he was still using compliments and romantic gestures to get to me! Through the people I’d trusted!

I’d finally had enough and was very public about this man who’d harassed me. I told people everything I’d been putting up with. I aired all our dirty laundry that I’d tried so hard to keep politely private. And some people believed me.

But a lot of people didn’t.

(This, coincidentally, is why I don’t answer tumblr asks privately anymore, not unless the person specifically asks me to and they haven’t been creepy at all. I had another guy pull this on me and I found myself in this same position again and all I had was private harassment. So no more of that! Public contact all the way.)

But Sarah, you say, isn’t this an isolated incident? Why are you making this huge tumblr post about one guy? Well, number one, it wasn’t one guy. This happened to me several times before I recognized that this wasn’t one man — this was a pattern of behavior that many men share. Number two, it speaks to wider issues that I’d like to address.

Media pushes this idea that if a girl is mad at you, you just have to work hard to be romantic and win her back. Piss her off? Hold up a boom box outside her window! Romantic, right? No, bruh, you’re lurking outside a girl’s bedroom window when she said she doesn’t be around you. She’s terrified and you’re being a creep. This isn’t gonna win her back. It’s just going to tell her you don’t know how to respect her boundaries.

Women are socialized to be nice even when they’re scared. We’re supposed to ignore the alarm bells in our head because it’s not socially acceptable to pull away. When we are complimented, we are supposed to acknowledge it graciously. When someone likes us, we are supposed to like them back. If we draw strong boundaries and enforce them, we often face strong social consequences. I’m here to tell you that every one of those consequences is worth it to help you feel safe.

Hell, I’ll reiterate it. It’s okay to be a bitch. Don’t sacrifice your mental and emotional well being for someone else’s. Women are supposed to be self-sacrificial, too… but you don’t have to be. A truly good person wouldn’t want you to be.

A PERSON WHO REALLY LIKES AND RESPECTS YOU WILL NOT WANT YOU TO FEEL UNSAFE AROUND THEM. IF THEY’RE OKAY WITH YOU BEING SCARED OF THEM, THIS IS A DEEPLY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

Compliments are not always kind!! You do not always need to be grateful for them! Even nice compliments, ones that are more “you have beautiful writing” vs “nice tits”, can be utilized to emotionally manipulate you and those around you. If a compliment is making you uncomfortable because of the context in which it’s given, you do not need to even acknowledge it. It doesn’t make you stuck up or a bitch. Compliments are supposed to build you up and make you feel good, y’know? If it’s hurting you, it’s still a shitty compliment and that’s on them.

We’re taught that it’s best to be discreet. Naw, man. Be as public as possible, especially if someone’s giving you weird vibes. Keep things on the public record. Like, don’t be an asshole or anything, don’t publicize private information, but you don’t have to keep your conflict in the dark away from prying eyes. That’s only going to benefit the person hurting you… because there will be no established pattern of behavior. Establish establish establish.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, no one is owed your attentions. It doesn’t matter if they like you. It doesn’t matter if they do nice things for you. It doesn’t matter if there’s social pressure to acknowledge them and/or their efforts. It doesn’t matter if they do every single thing right. If you don’t want to interact with someone, you don’t have to. It doesn’t matter if they just give you vague creep vibes — or if you just plain don’t like them! No one is owed your attentions! Never feel trapped into interacting with people because they make you feel guilty!

(And for that matter, never let someone make you uncomfortable because “they’re just socially awkward”. You can be sympathetic towards someone’s social issues without letting them make you feel unsafe. Believe me, I’ve fallen into this one so many times.)

Anyway, tl;dr? Live bitch is better than dead sweetheart. Don’t fall for the compliment trap. Tell him to fuck off. If friends try to act as intermediary between you and someone you cut out of your life, they’re trash. Tell them to fuck off, too. You have my blessing.

[askullandbones]

Hi, thx so much... ugh, where do I start? I hope this doesnt seem too open or anything. Basically, Ive been having some problems with my best friend. Were both in 2nd-year uni and we go to school in diff cities. Weve been close since we started high school. And I love her, and shes usually my goto person to talk to or shoulder to cry on. But the thing is, shes much more social and Im not. She was my only friend in high school and while shes still closest with me she had others. (1/?)

Now in uni she still has tons of friends and I haven't really been able to make any. We havent rlly drifted apart but our convos are mostly limited to FB texts. Shes now rooming with another friend & I just have this crippling fear of being replaced. Bc it would be so much easier for her. And sometimes she does things that are sort of weird. I feel like im always shifting plans to suit her needs. She doesnt respond to half of what I text her. (2/3) (3 is the limit I promise, so sorry!)

Ive also begun a big Undertale fic and Im super excited about it, but even tho I've started posting it she doesnt seem to want to read it, she said she might someitme "if she has time" & "if shes bored." Which hurts. I tried to talk to her abt all this stuff last year, but she seems to have... forgotten. & I feel so bad & dont know how to deal with it, much as i ❤ her i dont always like the way she treats me. Its so hard to tell the line b/w actual worry and bein whiny. (3/4 sorry!!!!)

I know she has her own stuff going on and I try to be there for her but its so hard. Parts of me have stopped caring about her stuff as much as I should which I KNOW is awful of me as a friend, like when she told me the girl she loved didnt love her back, stuff like that, and I just dont know what to do. My loneliness has gone into hyperdrive basically, and its very confusing. Am I just being self pitying? Any advice would mean so so much to me. (4/4 I am SO SORRY for spamming you with this)

Wow this got long. Gonna put it under a cut.

Hey. Hey? First, deep breath. This might seem like the end of the world, but it isn’t. Trust me.

When you reach this point in your life your whole social dynamic is going to shift into what I’ll call ‘adult friends’. When you went to school it was super easy to make friends (or easier than it is now), because you were put in a small group of people your age and you were basically forced to interact. You might still have some of that in college, but it’s much less forced. The things that held you together with your peers isn’t really guaranteed as much to be there anymore.

First thing you need to tell yourself is that friends typically don’t get ‘replaced’ when you’re older. At least, not if you’ve stopped acting like a kid. Most of the time the friends you had in highschool are just gonna... drift apart. It happens all the time and it’s natural.

And while I can’t relate, I know a lot of people just have a large circle of friends they talk to about various things. Each friend has a different appeal. It’s not so much ‘replacing’ as it is ‘adding’.

Now I won’t speak for your friend, but from what you do mention about her not being flexible and not responding to texts, it could be a whole host of things. Maybe her schedule is just super rigid. Maybe she just forgets to respond to your texts, especially if she’s got about five different other people she’s talking to. Maybe she has nothing to say. Unfortunately these are things you’re probably going to have to talk to her about if they’re bothering you. Friendships thrive on communication.

As for her not getting into your fic... it might hurt? But try not to let it bother you.

When I was getting into Undertale and back on the writing bus I did the same thing with a friend of mine. While she’s always been supportive, she never really wanted to read it even if I asked what she thought, and after awhile I realized it just wasn’t something I could really engage with her back and forth with. She just didn’t know what to ask, didn’t really want to read a subject she knew very little about.

It hurt a little at first, but then I just realized she didn’t have the same interest in it as I did. I just sorta pushed it to the side when it came to talking to her even though it was such a big thing in my life. Instead of saying “I’m working on this Undertale fic omg you wouldn’t believe what--” I’d change how I worded what I wanted to say to be a little less restrictive. Instead I would say “I’m working on some writing and these characters are being--”

See the difference? The second is much more inclusive to someone who has no idea what the fuck Undertale is. They can still engage. I can’t force her to enjoy something I do just like she can’t force me to enjoy something she does.

And no, you are not being self-pitying. You’re worried about a friendship you cherish. You’re worried about how your friend treats you. You’re worried that things are coming between the two of you. You care enough about this friend that you don’t want to lose them, but that also means you’re going to have to work on it. You’re gonna have some awkward, intense moments coming up even if they’re scary.

You gotta be brave.

What you need to do is think. Think about your friendship. You mentioned that you think she treats you bad sometimes. Make a list of the things she does that make you feel bad. Can’t come up with an answer as to why she might do these things? Ask her. Bring it up. It’s scary, but if she values your friendship she’ll listen and you two can work things out.

But friendship is a two-way street. There are ways you can improve too. Find interests you share. Try not to feel bad when she doesn’t like the same things anymore, you’re both starting to grow up and get different interests.

Set boundaries and stick to them. You say you’re always shifting your plans and not the other way around. Stop. Put your foot down. Say no, you can’t shift these around. Don’t bend to her whims all the time. Set a hard line. She will work with you and bend her own plans too if your friendship is valued.

Most importantly though, as scary as it is, don’t be afraid that you two might just be drifting apart. A lot of friendships end after highschool and most of them aren’t because of fights. They’re just... from drifting apart. It might seem like you won’t find more friends, but you will.

I’ve been friends with the same girl since I was a teenager. She lives in Canada. I love her so, so much. When I got a divorce and she started college again we kinda just... didn’t talk much. We used to talk every single day but we didn’t anymore and that bothered the fuck out of me. I thought we were drifting apart, and in a way we kinda have.

She has a boyfriend she plays games with a lot, games that I don’t enjoy. I like to roleplay and write and play games that she doesn’t enjoy. She’s busy as fuck and I’m absolutely incompetent at conversations half the time. We don’t have all the same interests anymore and sometimes we go a full week without saying a word to each other, and we both realize things have changed a bit, but it hasn’t changed how we feel about one another. We still love each other a lot.

College is when you’re going to start to realize that, maybe, a lot of your friends you make are gonna be online. Chatrooms. Games. Writing. Roleplaying. They’re gonna scatter the globe. I have friends from Canada to the states to Indonesia and Germany. I visit the friends within an hour of me maybe... once or twice a month. That’s fine with me. It doesn’t bother me much. I talk to one friend I had in highschool maybe... once every... three months? I don’t hate them, I just don’t have much in common with them anymore. It happens.

But I should wrap this up.

Breathe. Take a nice, deep breathe. This isn’t the end of the world even if it’s scary and you wish you didn’t have to deal with it. You’ll survive even if the outcome is the worst thing you can imagine.

Friendships change over time.

Communicate your feelings.

Evaluate your own role in the relationship and if you need to make some changes too.

Set hard boundaries.

If you need more advice, I’m here.

[itbeajen]

Blooming Friendship | HQ! x Reader

A part of Omorfos Kosmo. Game!AU. This is before the transition.

Blooming Friendship Before the Transition "Iwa-chan! There's another person here!" Oikawa calls out through the headset. There's a faint mumble of Iwaizumi asking what was he supposed to do about that. Oikawa was debating on letting you fight on your own, or possibly jumping in to help. But what if you didn't need his help? Your character was dodging as much as you could possibly click as you evaded the incoming assaults. The specialized combat flute in your hands indicated your sub-class. Oikawa grabbed his bow, clicking the skill button, and watched as his character began notching a holy light infused arrow, aiming it at the main ogre that was attacking you. But he freezes and doesn't click on the ogre as he originally planned, as his eyes widen. You had barely brought the flute to your lips, a single note being played as the monsters around you all froze. Within the next second, your character whips out the bow. And although the skill icon is unseen on Oikawa's screen, the familiar stance in which the bow was pointed upwards was one in which he had been trying to master for the past weeks. The sound of an arrow being launched into the air and the cascading rain of light that followed afterwards as the ogres all fell to the ground indicated nothing more than a mass genocide. "Iwa-chan! Iwa-chan!" Oikawa cries out excitedly, "Did you see that?! That's the skill I've been trying to get! Arrow rain! How did she get it so quickly?! The skill barely came out this week!" "I can hear you fine Trashykawa," Iwaizumi responds. But he too was staring at his computer screen in stunned silence. To say he was surprised was an understatement, the speed at which you reacted and the fact that you had basically solo'ed one of the more common field bosses and before Iwaizumi can say anything, he already sees Oikawa engaging a conversation with you, or maybe it was the other way around? He wasn't quite sure since he joined in half way.

[L/N]: Ah shoot! Sorry, did I steal your kill?! I'm so sorry! ;__; GrandKing: No, no!    WHAT'S YOUR BUILD? THAT WAS SO COOL!!! [L/N]: Oh! Hahaha, I'm a bowman with music support. GrandKing: Woah what?! A music support?! GrandKing: How?! Isn't that really hard to get as a support class?! [L/N]: You need to complete that one really long quest from that one street musician located just outside the castle. GrandKing: D:! GrandKing: I'm stuck, I never got a raid group for the boss. T^T GrandKing: [L/N] 2 gud. Iwaizumi: Or you just suck. [L/N]: LOLOL. [L/N]: Damn, you're pretty savage. [L/N]: R i p. But you know, you can always keep looking. That raid isn't well known because there aren't many bards out there you know? GrandKing: You're right, but... even my guildies won't run with me [L/N]-chan! GrandKing: ... owo I can call you [L/N]-chan right? [L/N]: Sure! It's a bit long for you to type, but I don't mind. Haha. Can I call you King then? '~' GrandKing: Yes!!! ^~^ King is oh-kay with me! [L/N]: Neat! Haha. Well, if you ever need someone for a raid, hit me up. [L/N]: But I have a request coming up, so I'll see you around King! Iwaizumi! GrandKing: Okay [L/N]-chan! GrandKing: Bye bye! Iwaizumi: See you.

You blinked at your screen and laughed, "Oh gods. What have I done?" "What'd you do?" Kenma's voice drawled out over the headset and you laughed, "I think I got myself stuck in a conversation." "Oh. G. G." Kenma teases you and you hear the hint of laughter in his voice and he asks, "Who?" "GrandKing and Iwaizumi." "Oh, those two." "Hmm you know them?" Kenma is about to reply, but the furious typing on your end of the headset makes him shake his head and he laughs, "Yeah, I think they're volleyball players in your prefecture." "Oh," he hears you hum nonchalantly and you muttered, "I wouldn't know. Tendou-senpai is already annoying as it is." "Hm?" Kenma furrowed his brows and he asked, "Who's that?" "A senpai from school that's on the volleyball team. I think the whole team plays though..." you paused, "I keep overhearing them talking about the new raids." "Haven't figured it out?" "No." Kenma stifled a scoff at your immediate answer, and you continued, "Not like it'd matter. I'm still the number 1 mercenary. No one's beaten me." Kenma shook his head and he muttered, "I have to go. Guild wants me for a raid." "Wow. Thanks for the invite Kenma." Kenma blanched at his screen and he muttered, "As if you ever invite me." "I try!" you laughed, noticing that he doesn't want to hang up first, "See ya later Kenma-senpai!" He hears the click and he sighs, "Don't call me that." Another click occurs and Kuroo teases, "Talking to your girl friend again?" "SHe's a friend that's a girl," and my kouhai. But he doesn't mention that instead his lips tug into a small smile at your in game message of "good luck!" and Kuroo says, "You should invite her." "Nah, she has a client request soon," Kenma responds as he logs back in to another character and Kuroo sighs, "You... Are you sure you don't like her?" Kuroo can hear Kenma choke on whatever it was he was drinking, or perhaps air, and the pudding haired boy narrowed his eyes at the computer screen. He sighs, "You're impossible Kuroo." "Wait, do you though?" "No," Kenma frowned. She's like my little sister. "Hmm, I would think you are, seeing how protective you are of her," Kuroo's tone changed from teasing to wondering, and Kenma muses over answering honestly or playing around, and the setter answers, "She's like a younger sister." Of course I'd protect her. You would too if you've ever gotten to know her. Kuroo hums in acknowledgement and says, "Well, let's get this raid going!"

"Yahoo, [L/N]!" Tendou calls out, and Semi sighs, "She can't hear you." "How do you know she's a girl?" Shirabu asked, again. Tendou shook his head, "[L/N] has to be a girl, no way would someone who's as cute as [L/N] be a boy!" "I hope they're a boy," Shirabu mutters. Guess: [L/N]! [L/N]: Heyo Guess! :3 "So cute," Tendou gushed and he sighed, "I wish she'd join our guild." "Why won't she?" Ushijima asked. Tendou raised an eyebrow and he teased, "Wouldn't you like to know?" Guess: Off to another client? [L/N]: Yeah! >~< [L/N]: :U But I don't know where they want me to go Guess: Oh? [L/N]: They said to meet up here, but you guys are here too... [L/N]: Are you stealing my client bruh? o 3o Guess: I'd never~! Guess: 8D "Tendou-senpai..." Goshiki softly called out, the red haired male made a weird noise in response and the younger male continues, "Did we though?" "I don't think so?" Tendou responded. He wasn't too sure and Shirabu asksed, "How do you even know her anyways?" "It's. A. Secret." Guess: [L/N]-chan [L/N]: No Guess. I will not join your guild. Guess: Okay, r00d [L/N]: Oh gods, don't type like that. Guess: My feelings are hurt. Guess: But... If [L/N]-chan wants to play that way... "Tendou," Ushijima calls out in warning as they all see the PVP flash go up, and another one confirms that the opposing player has accepted it. The entire volleyball team sighs in exasperation, and Tendou laughs, "It's okay, [L/N]-chan hasn't been able to beat me since-" Tendou doesn't finish that sentence, not when he sees that his character is frozen in place and your character charging one of the strongest 1v1 archery skills. And he cries out, "Aw what the hell [L/N]-chan!?" [L/N]: Remember Guess, I'm the one who helped you make your character build. [L/N]: Huehuehue, I know all the flaws about it. [L/N]: And that includes how bad it is at PVP if you don't strike first. You Win! Tendou frowns and sighs, "I really can't believe how heartless she is sometimes, despite us being friends." "I think you deserved it senpai," Shirabu softly comments. And Tendou pouts. [L/N]'s not fair.

Honestly, it was like today was the day everyone was online. But it was a Sunday, and last time you checked, there were no major volleyball games going on either. What luck for you to run into even the quiet ones today though. You leaned back in your chair, and softly whistled, "I must be pretty popular today." Your fingers flew across the keyboard as you directed your character to run around in circles around the new target you've caught sight of. [L/N]: Oho! [L/N]: Aone~! Aone's eyes widen and Futakuchi asks, "Who's that?" "[L/N]-chan," Aone softly responds, surprising the rest of his members and they asked, "-CHAN?" Aone: Hello. [L/N]: Hi hi! ^__^ Did you just finish your client's request? Aone: Yes. [L/N]: I see I see, I'm heading over right now. But is this the rest of your guild? I think this is the first time I've ever met them. [L/N]: Your guild leader though... [L/N]: Lolol. Fuji: Excuse me!? [L/N]: Ahahaha. [L/N]: Sorry sorry, I didn't mean to offend you it's just... [L/N]: Your equipment... you shouldn't use that set if you're a DK. [L/N]: But hey, each to their own. Futakuchi literally growled over his mic, and his teammates sighed and Aone is about to speak up, but upon reading Futakuchi's next words he sighs in defeat. Fuji: I challenge you to a PVP. Fuji: A puny bowman like you against a speed-based knight class? Fuji: You can't win. [L/N]: Ouch, harsh. [L/N]: I thought Aone's guild mates would be as nice as him. [L/N]: But. I. Guess. Not. .__. Fuji: You brat. [L/N]: Well, what you waiting for? Fight. Me. Needless to say, it ended in a loss for Futakuchi, and the beginning of a never ending friendship rivalry between the two of you.

"Ah, it's [L/N]-san," Akaashi pointed out to Bokuto. Bokuto's eyes drift back to his computer screen and his eyes widened, "She's not busy for once?" Owlicious: Hey hey hey! [L/N]: oho! Hey Owlicious! [L/N]: (x And hi Cashew~ Partying with the chatterbox again? Cashew: Always. Cashew: Otherwise he'd get lost and confused. Owlicious: Hey! [L/N]: Well, Cashew isn't w r o n g. Hahahaha. What are you two doing today? Cashew: We had a request who didn't show up, so we're just chilling in town now. [L/N]: Ooh, I see I see. [L/N]: Bailers always suck. ): [L/N]: You guys can always report them. LOLOL Owlicious: You can do that? Cashew: I never knew. [L/N]: If you report them to the mercenary bureau, you get 10% of the fee they promised to pay. [L/N]: Just make sure you give all the details and not skim out on anything. Cashew: ... Do you do this a lot? [L/N]: Well of course, I'm a busy person! [L/N]: xP I don't have all the time to wait for no shows. [L/N]: I may be a mercenary, but I'm a player too. I need my equips. [L/N]: And skill training, and quest completing. [L/N]: So.. yeah. :U Anyways, I gotta go. My client is going to be upset if I'm late! Cashew: Thank you [L/N]. See you around. Owlicious: See you later, alligator! "Bokuto-san." "What! I think she found it funny."

"Tch, of course you're here before me," he sighed as he hears the connection. Your laughter fills his room as he fumbles to look for his headset. "Sorry Kei, did you really think you'd beat me? I'm practically always on." "I'm surprised you haven't turned into a potato yet." "Well," you paused, tying up your hair, "I do focus a lot on my sports." "Mm, how's Shiratorizawa?" he asks as he accepts your party invitation. He begins equipping his character with the necessary equipments for the upcoming boss run and you hum, "Same old, same old. I'm surprised you're interested, or is it because you're curious about the boy's volleyball team, and not about me?" "[F/N]," he calls your name out, and you laugh, "Sorry." A sigh is heard and the familiar roar of your summoned dragon is heard through the headphones. You wait for him to hop on before setting your character on autopilot towards the dungeon. No words are exchanged save for the light humming from your end. You can hear Tsukishima writing, possibly doing homework while waiting to arrive at the dungeon, and you softly whisper, "I'll go watch your match between my school and yours." You can actually hear his pen drop and he coughs, as though trying to hide it and he asks, "Who will you be cheering for?" "Wouldn't you like to know?" The playful tone in your voice makes him scoff and he smiles, "Yeah." "Yeah?" "I'd like to know." You pause, and then your laughter is heard. Both of you are in higher spirits now and you let out a soft sigh. "Isn't it obvious who I'd cheer for Kei?" "No." "Mm, you're smart, figure it out yourself." "Tch." "What." "You're ridiculous." "I know," you laugh and you asked, "Ready?" "Always."