#i feel like the post calling her a teenager may actually be just referencing the thing of how the >myriad-old lyctors view everyone

[camplease]

something a bit perplexing to me is, why do people keep de-aging ianthe? she’s 21 in gtn and 22 in htn, and she herself says as much in htn. and she must be 23 now since harrow’s almost 19. so why are people calling her a teenager or referring to her as 20 or 21 post-nona? like ofc all of those ages are still really young, i’m just wondering if there’s any particular reason for this being a pattern

[oligoweee]

Smile Hell Info Dump

I'm going to basically info dump about my old Smiler story called "Smile Hell." I never even got close to finishing the story, I only got roughly 20k words in and that didn't even get into it all however I had lost motivation.

In this universe, the Ministry of Joy (it's not actually called that) basically has locations all across the globe that aim for bringing joy to everyone but have many faults and there was even a reversal serum in the works. The Smiler roller coaster does exist at Alton Towers and there are many rumors surrounding it, some of which are in fact secretly true. I think it is an interesting take on the MOJ and I'd love to go back to it someday but for now I will give a fairly in-depth summary and talk about what was written, general lore/ideas, and what I had planned, including the ending.

Trigger warnings for: suicide, mental illness, kidnapping, murder, medical themes, abuse, and gore.

(Not going into detail for these because this is just a summary-type thing but they are referenced so I am putting warnings as a precaution.)

This is gonna be a VERY long (roughly 4.5k words long) post so have fun reading if you decide to, you're in for a long ride :)

[Also here was the cover for it!]

So, the important characters are:

Levee Bailey

Lance Hawks

Archie Bailey

Isa [No Last Name]

Doctor Thomas Lukes

Braylen [No Last Name]

This story takes place in 2021 in Maine USA and specifically a real life county by the name of Oxford.

Many people over the span of a year were going missing and no one was able to find them or they would be found but they behaved drastically different than before.

In Oxford County, two families lived there known as the Bailey family and the Hawks family. Lance Hawks was a theme park enthusiast and would travel all over the world or just go to theme parks nearby in the US, one of these trips was Alton Towers and he offered to bring along his neighbor and closest friend, Levee Bailey alongside her two teenage brothers, Archie and Koda. This trip was only left to references in the story. They went on the Smiler of course and things were fine up until they flew back to the US.

Before that, Koda had been struggling with mental illness and it kept declining but then the trip (and specifically the Smiler) had boosted his mood for a few weeks afterward until it started to decline again. In May, he committed suicide however his sister had been there and for months afterward, she thought it was her fault and that she was a murderer despite everything telling her otherwise. His death was all over the news and attracted a bunch of public attention and many articles online.

So now we get to where the main story begins, September of 2021.

Levee is still dealing with her grief and she often finds herself standing in Koda's room just grieving. She has flashbacks of the day he died quite often. Since the loss of Koda, Levee tried making attempts to get closer with her remaining brother, Archie, but experiences a lot of pain when looking at him because of his similar resemblance to Koda.

Since her brother's death, Levee constantly feels like she's being watched. Like hundreds of eyes are on her at all times. She's constantly paranoid outside her home and is always telling herself that everything is in her head. What she doesn't know is that she is in fact being somewhat watched in one way or another. This feeling is both real and in her head at the same time.

One morning she wakes up and realizes that her best friend (and neighbor), Lance, is not in his garden and she finds that really odd because he's always gardening in the mornings unless he's traveling. Levee tries thinking logically but deep down she feels that something bad has happened. And she is absolutely correct. We soon learn that Lance was in fact abducted and a missing person report was filed however with how many people have gone missing from Oxford County with little to no updates, there's not a whole lot of hope about Lance. (Sorry, pal.)

One of the people missing from Oxford County is a woman by the name of Aria Davis, her case was by far one of the most popular because she is one of the longest lost people, having been missing for nearly a year. Levee came across an article about her disappearance and was quite panicked and that is when she stopped thinking logically about Lance not being outside. So, she did the smart thing and went to his house and spoke to his mother who told Levee the news.

She was obviously upset to the point she didn't tell Archie so he decided to go over there himself and then he got back, wondering why Levee didn't tell him. When he questioned her about it the two started to get into an argument so he left the room clearly pissed.

Now there's a bit of filler but since it's September, Archie is going back to school. Well on his first day of school that boy got kidnapped and Levee did not know until she herself got kidnapped. Fun times with the Bailey family, am I right?

So, on this day, Levee goes to her job which is at the end of her street and it's roughly a ten minute walk (or in her case, a five minute run.) She feels like she is being watched the entire time but gets to her workplace and the day goes on until she has to go back home.

Levee dashes back home as the sun is setting and while thinking Archie is home from school, she knocks on the door as he usually unlocks it for her but this does not happen so she tries calling him and he doesn't answer, she assumes that he's still mad at her from the previous day so she grabs her house key but quickly realizes that it is not inside of her satchel bag (which previously belonged to Koda, fun bit of lore) so she gets a bit panicked as that feeling of being watched is not going away any time soon.

So, she runs over to the Hawks' house and rings the doorbell because she thought someone would be home but nobody answers and this causes her even more distress as she is alone outside in the dark. Levee then proceeds to out of reflex try and call Lance who obviously does not answer and then after this she calls her mother who tells her to go back to her workplace and wait there because her mom would be out of work shortly.

And this is where Levee's fate is set.

She makes a run for it back to her workplace but since it is very dark out, she doesn't quite know where she's going and the streetlights are dimmed. Then she notices a truck going down the street and she could have sworn it was following her. This completely screws up her course and she ends up going the wrong direction and running face first into a telephone pole which breaks her nose.

Levee is pretty much stunned for a moment and sitting on the ground to try and recover and she comes to the realization she ran in the wrong direction so she pulls out her phone and tries to go onto Google Maps but has no mobile data or anything.

She sits there trying to regain her energy and strength to get up off the sidewalk and she eventually does when she hears heavy footsteps coming from behind her. So, once again she starts running and then it turns out she's being shot at by whoever was chasing her.

Levee can only dodge the darts for so long before one lands in her neck and stuns her, within a few moments exhaustion overcomes her and she passes out with one last thought in her head, "I'm gonna die, aren't I?"

---

Levee wakes up on a bed inside of a hospital-like room and it brings back memories of being with Koda when he died. She can't quite recall how she got in this place but is aware of an odd sensation on her arm, specifically the crook of her elbow which has gauze taped to it (implying that she had been poked with a needle of some sort.) For some reason, there is a very small feeling of joy that she can't quite focus on but it keeps her calmed for the most part.

She realizes there is a somewhat dull pain all throughout her head and neck but again, she can't recall what had happened. Despite her recognizing the room she's in as some kind of hospital one, she knows for certain she is not in a real hospital.

There is a description of the room which I will share a little of; the upper halves of the walls are a sandy-gray color whereas the lower halves are made of black and bright-yellow stripes and at the very bottom there is short white trimming lining the walls. The floor is made of light-gray tiles.

There's a table in this room and on top of it is a key card lanyard so once she gets herself off of the bed, she stumbles over to there and takes it. There is a name written on it alongside numbers and she doesn't quite understand what they mean. Next to the lanyard there is a note which tells her how to use it and that only her key card and her roommate's key card will work on the singular room door however the cards work on all other doors within the "Sanctuary." It also explains that she is a "employee," for this place and that she's currently on the third floor and needs to make her way up the fourth floor in order to change into uniform.

Levee looks over at the other side of the room and notices her roommate who is fast asleep, the table on their side contains the same items as Levee's.

Using the key card, she leaves the room and makes her way through a hallway with many different doors that need to be unlocked some of which are other rooms.

She makes her way to the fourth floor, changes uniform, notices there are spots of yellow in her irises (which are normally brown), then proceeds to leave the employee only floors (third and fourth) and skedaddles to the second floor which has a locked staircase as nearly all the doors in this building require a key card.

I will not be going into much detail about the second floor however, it is a living area for patients and has some bookcases that have books and brochures.

The low, somewhat raspy voice of someone catches her attention as they ask her who she is, she introduces herself and they introduce themselves. This is where Braylen is introduced, he is a patient in the Sanctuary and is implied to be a trans guy (this is canon it's just never outright said within the story.) There is no yellow present in his eyes which shows that he hasn't had any treatment yet. Levee states her confusion which causes her to giggle and it makes Braylen uneasy but he tells her the information that he knows about the place.

Braylen states that the place was in fact a real hospital back in the 2000s owned by a man called Doctor Thomas Lukes however the doctor calls it a "Sanctuary."

Levee thanks him for the information and then proceeds to continue her exploration throughout the Sanctuary. She finds the cafeteria on the first floor and there are a couple people sitting at tables some of which are employees. Then a voice calls out to her.

It's Lance, who is sitting at a table in the back of the cafeteria. The two are both in shock at seeing each other and Lance had scratches on his face which would have concerned Levee if it wasn't for her emotions being messed up. She greets him in a cheery manner and sits down by him.

They have a discussion and Lance, being the theme park enthusiast that he is, compares the place to the Alton Towers Smiler roller coaster lore. He actually goes on to explain the similarities and brings up the fact that there had been previous rumors of the Smiler being based off of real events or that the backstory was real.

Levee is completely weirded out and quite frankly thinks he's being stupid, she tells him he's not making much sense and then comes to the conclusion that he was trying to make light of the dark situation. They continue speaking some more and eventually Levee tells Lance to stop talking about the Smiler.

Levee then remembers her brother, Archie, and begins to worry about him to which Lance slowly states to her that he thinks Archie is in the Sanctuary too.

Levee does not take this too kindly but her rage is dulled however she still shouts at Lance asking what he means to which he then stupidly asks why she's panicking and she states that she's not but doesn't know what she's feeling.

Lance asks her a question.

"Does it feel like your emotions are just barely there and for some reason you're happy?”

Levee says yes with no hesitation as that is exactly how she was feeling. Lance is feeling this way too.

They continue talking and then Levee brings Lance up to the second floor to speak to Braylen who is sitting on a sofa reading a book that had no title and instead had a smiley face in the form of "=)" on the cover. Braylen then reveals that the book is fifteen pages long (albeit not numbered) and every single page consists of that same smiley face from top to bottom. It's not very important but goes to show this place is odd.

All three are weirded out but put the book aside. Lance and Levee ask Braylen if he has seen or knows anything about Archie. He states that Archie's appearance sounds familiar and that he saw employees (or at least, ones that looked very different and had metal armor) drag him to padded cells on the first floor.

Braylen also states it was nighttime and he wasn't supposed to be out of his room but decided to snoop around anyway and witnessed the scene.

They thank Braylen for his help and proceed to go back to the first floor and find the cells he was talking about. There are twenty in total and the two find Archie inside the fifteenth one that they investigate.

When Levee sees her brother inside the cell, she is quick to unlock it and go inside. Archie is sitting on the floor with red pinprick marks and bruising on his neck and alongside this his hands are wrapped in bandages that have light spots of blood that had seeped through.

The two siblings hug and Levee apologizes for Archie getting into this situation. Much like Levee and Lance, Archie can't remember how he was kidnapped. They exit the cell and speak with each other to which Archie explains a story very similar to the one Braylen shared.

Archie had woken up in his room and instantly panicked, leaving it and stumbling into two people who are later revealed to be apart of a subgroup in the Sanctuary called "The Ones Beyond the Walls." He explains that they saw him and grabbed onto him to which he tried to fight back and in the process destroyed his knuckles on the metal vests they were wearing before he was sedated and brought to a cell.

Levee takes note of his hands and suggests that they change the bandages. Lance knows where there's an infirmary and brings them to it and there is a somewhat gruesome description of Archie's knuckles. Lance cleans the wounds and wraps them in fresh bandages.

They all leave the infirmary and make their way to the cafeteria and discuss the situation for the umpteenth time. In the middle of their discussion, a young woman walks up and stands behind Archie. She introduces herself as Isa. Levee and Archie take note of one of her most unsettling features which is the fact that she has scars starting from the corners of her mouth going along the sides of her face.

(Lance had already met Isa so it wasn't as shocking to him.)

Isa states that she overheard the group of three's conversation and that she had information she could give that might help answer some questions.

...

But unfortunately, this is where I stopped writing.

Don't worry though! Like I said, I am going to talk about general lore and what I had planned including the ending.

---

So, Doctor Lukes' Sanctuary is the name of the hospital our main characters are held captive in. Despite what Levee kept thinking (it not being a real hospital) she is pretty much wrong because it was and technically still is a "real" hospital however it is not at all a professional one. Originally opening in 1999, this psychiatric hospital was operated by Professor Jasper Edmunds and Doctor Thomas Lukes, their hospital was open until 2011 where it closed permanently with no explanation.

Throughout the 2000s, this hospital was controversial and facing lawsuits in regards to abuse of its patients in there for treatment of their mental illnesses. However, they were dropped. This mostly took place in 2005. Professor Edmunds left shortly after this which meant Doctor Lukes was on his own with maintaining most things. In 2009, the hospital would once again face legality issues in regards to two murders that had happened. And finally, in 2011, the hospital was closed and nobody ever heard from Doctor Lukes again.

This is the more detailed form of the information Isa was going to tell the three if I had written past her introduction, I promise it wasn't gonna be a big info dump within the story lol, it was gonna be more spread out. Also, the Sanctuary info is similar to what Braylen had said. Isa was also going to go into a quick explanation on joy serum and laughing gas used in that place which answers the question on why everyone tends to be calm and strangely happy. (Obviously.)

Throughout the story, Levee and Lance try to uncover the secrets of the Sanctuary and they attempt to make an escape plan while pretty much being under the influence of drugs (joy serum) and doing their "job," of treating the patients. They discover that there had been a reversal serum in the works that would, well, reverse the effects of joy serum however there were many major issues with it. It's used within this story and the effects are shown; primarily aggression.

Who was the original one behind the reversal serum? Professor Edmunds, and then Doctor Lukes proceeded to try and complete it but was facing difficulties. And why was there a reversal serum? Because of withdrawal from not having injections of joy serum for a long period of time, it'd only get worse and worse so this was put in place to completely flush out the joy serum in a way. (Side note: Drug withdrawal is a major issue with the joy serum in this universe and it's especially shown with Isa who is constantly relying on even the smallest dose.) However, as said before, the reversal serum had serious issues with it.

So, what was Doctor Lukes' motive in taking a bunch of hostages ("patients/employees")?

Well, it changes in the timeline.

After the hospital had been shut down and with all of the legality issues, the place pretty much became abandoned and not only that but he lost a majority of his research and everything. He's stubborn and did not try and reach out to another facility or anything like that (they're extremely secretive too) so he took his remaining notes and studies, tried making a new joy serum, kidnapped some people that would later be known as "The Ones Beyond the Walls," and tested on them. Continuously tested on them. And then finally, later on, he wanted to try and reverse things and then give the joy serum again and reverse and... yeah.

Where was he working?

Underground beneath the original hospital. And this is where the main story takes place too. I find the Five Nights at Freddy's song "Below the Surface" quite fitting for this and the original Smiler lore in general (I remember seeing a Smile Always edit with it too so that's where I got that from!) And if you're wondering, "How did no one know he was there?" Well, the general public didn't know. With a lot of abandoned properties, there are still people that own the property and that's the case with Doctor Lukes' Sanctuary. The state people knew allat but not the public, you know? As I said before, these places are secretive.

---

The Ones Beyond the Walls are as the name states: special guard-like previous test subjects that lurk in a part of the Sanctuary that is inaccessible to the normal patients and employees but is very much behind the walls of the normal place. They do what Doctor Lukes tells them to and they lurk about at night. They make sure things are in place and such. They are very calm people that take action when needed.

---

Isa is a major part of the lore. It's revealed that she was the longest serving Sanctuary employee starting from being a patient and it's also revealed that she was Aria Davis from the news article Levee had read early on in the story. Aria was not in a good place and Doctor Lukes had reached out to her and offered her money (one of the only times he was somewhat-legally doing this shit) if she'd participate in his experiments/clinical trials and after a while she then got sick of it to which he then forcibly kidnapped her.

As a patient, Aria had gotten her face cut into a smile by an old employee who she later murdered as revenge and stole their identity (hence the name, Isa.) Due to the murder, she was put through a lot of "treatment," until she was left as who she is; an unhinged, overjoyed, snarky woman who seemed as though she was going to help but was instead absolutely hellbent on dragging everyone down with her as she interfered with Levee's and Lance's escape plan. And, she kept the identity of the murdered employee, Isa.

---

There was certainly gonna be filler but also it was gonna show patients and employees getting treatment with joy serum and then the reversal serum being used. Because of the aggression the reversal serum was causing (albeit temporary) the group decided it was best to give it to people and keep them in the "special" cells that had been mentioned earlier.

Eventually, Isa gets the reversal serum injected into her and since she has been under the influence of joy serum for a long time, it doesn't go too well and she is furious and tries to kill Lance who had injected it. She fails and once she somewhat calms down, she struggles to cope with the feeling of not being in a constant state of joy. She experiences withdrawal extremely quickly and this is one of the faults of the reversal serum however it shouldn't have lasted too long.

Isa still tries to interfere with the plan and eventually she kills Doctor Lukes which wasn't apart of the other two's plan but aids in the escape and when she realizes this, she isn't happy. She isn't happy that the newest group won't go through the Hell she went through and thus she attempts to murder the main group but instead gets it turned around on her and Lance kills her which leaves him guilt stricken but Levee tries to reassure him that it was for the best.

‐--

Finally, we get to the ending. The ending is a decent one and although a majority of the facility inhabitants are killed along the way (by Isa and eventually she herself was killed too), nine out of thirty people (patients and employees) escape and this doesn't include TOBW. Levee, Lance, Braylen, and Archie make it out safely albeit very much changed and still having the after effects of the reversal serum. I did in fact write out the epilogue before most of the other things because that is a habit of mine with writing.

So, the epilogue goes something like this...

Two months pass since the events of Smile Hell and our three main characters are trying to return to their normal lives. Braylen, who was cut off by his family before the events, moves in with Lance's family since he has nowhere else to go. Levee's paranoia is very slowly starting to go away and she starts leaving her house more often. It is stated that after escaping, the group had told all they could to the police and it opened a full blown investigation on the grounds of the Sanctuary and they ended up finding bodies buried far behind the hospital.

And yes, the main group gets well needed therapy after all this Hell they've been through lol

Levee, Lance, and Braylen are all out shopping in the town square before they visit Koda's grave which is their plan for the day. Levee sits down on a bench and waits for the men who are inside a store and there is another bench across from her. Someone sits down on it and they're wearing a mask and sunglasses (which she finds odd as it's not very sunny) but she tries not to think much of it before going onto her phone to pass the time.

The stranger across from her giggles which catches her attention and so she glances up and notices their sunglasses are off. Her heart just about skips a beat when she realizes that they have one yellow eye that was fading and one normal eye (implication that this is someone from the Sanctuary.) This obviously makes her highly uneasy and she prays to whoever is listening that her friends would hurry up so they could leave.

Eventually they appear and they don't pay much attention to the person across from her, they all leave but Levee looks behind her to see that the mysterious stranger now had their mask down and was smiling, but not in the unsettling, forced Smiler sense; it was a sincere smile that pretty much said "Thank you." Not only that, but they had very faded scars present on their face. Levee does not recognize them at all before she realized the possibility of them being one of the Ones Beyond the Walls. She gives them a quick thumbs up and a nod before walking off with Lance and Braylen, off to visit Koda's grave at the cemetery.

And that's all, that is the end of it all.

---

Thank you so much if you read this whole thing! I very much appreciate it, I've been working on this lore for roughly two years but never really shared it with people until now.

If I ever do go back to this project and decide to continue the story I think there would be changes but for now this is the "settled in stone," lore of Smile Hell. I don't really know what my inspirations were for this exactly but obviously the general Smiler lore and what the community has come up with. Also I love stories that involve secret organizations and medical stuff like that. There are certainly things that I find unfitting but for my sake and everyone else's sake, I'm not going to critique my own lore for now.

Once again, thank you very much if you read this entire post, I hope it was interesting!!

—

and here's a meme before I go which sums up all of this /j

[littlebigmouse]

TMA MAG 56 - AHHHHHAHAHAHAHA

TREVOR IS BACK!

I love him so much. You go you funky little vampire hunter.

I'm gonna be honest since he was a teenager(?) in his last statement I thought he'd be only a little older in this one, and didn't realize until he referenced "the 80s" for the third time.

I know the timelime doesn't work out but I'd love a "crossover" episode with Trevor, Gerard Key and Melanie? (the youtuber) teaming up to hunt spooky shit. Bonus points if a completely normal, random and unrelated person gets caught up in their shenanigans, so Jon is sifting through this random statement where the "weird shit" appears to be three people who all seem to be familiar? But it couldn't be, could it, last time we saw Gerard Key he'd been in italy, and they all work alone and - then Melanie posts an episode about them on her show and the entire Archive office just sits around the monitor, having their headcanons about these horror hunters entirely destroyed by them making funny faces into the camera before they start murdering people and hunting books (not necessarily in that order). (Damn I don't want to write fic before I'm done with the show but I realllllly want to write this fic now).

Anyway. I love, love his story.

This episode is also fuel to the "Everything is Connected" Board, since Trevor managed to take out one of the Jane Prentiss-like bug hives, and I'm glad Jon has finally gotten around to admitting that Trevor may have been on to something. I know Jon was largely pretending to be a sceptic in season 1, or so he claims, but Trevor was THE stand out "unreliable narrator" back then. Addicted to several drugs, homeless, young, traumatized, one would not run out of excuses to claim Trevor was a lying murderer. And that there was NONE of that this episode, even though the entire first half of it depicts Trevor murdering an innocent man by his own account! That's huge! I love this shift in the narrative. Back then the question was "Is there something going bump in the night?" but by now it's "How are the things going bump in the night connected to the spooky shit in our basement?". I have a feeling the point of escalation will become "(How) Can we kill the thing going bump in the night?" and if Jon's and Sasha's ... "corruption" arcs are any indication, "Are we the thing going bump in the night? (And can we still kill it anyway?)"

Apropos of Jon's "corruption" arc.

"Everyone in this place has so many goddamn secrets and I can’t trust a word you say."

Do they, though, do they?

Yes, Martin has been keeping a secret. Like I called, it's completely innoucious - or at least, unrelated to the murder case (vindication!).

Yes, Not-Sasha has been acting strangely except Jon didn't pick up on most of the actual strangeness and instead focused on - for example - her lunch break dates. Which sure! Could be fake! Or she's genuinely found a friend and is comtemplating life in a wax museum, who am I to judge. (I am finding myself getting fond of Not-Sasha, which is uncool, since I fully expect her to turn out evil by the end of the season the latest). None of which, btw, link her to the murder mystery.

Jon has absolutely NOTHING on Tim and Elias. Elias is as much a murder suspect as any of them simply by proxy (and having had arguably the most opportunity (and motivation, should my 'the institute demands human sacrifices to the horrors' theory be right, but that's pure unfounded speculation)). The only mystery Jon has on Tim is his goddamn work motivation.

Jon. Jon. Someone's birthday is not considered a secret just because you refuse to ask them about it. It's frankly insane that Jon is willing to go so far as to stalk his coworkers instead of just asking them basic and inane questions about their lifes! Yes sure, they could be lying, but you're not even giving them any opportunity to lie to you, since you refuse to talk to them! Nevermind that you've been lying too between the stalking and the pretend relationship and the increased paranoia.

Yeah so, I don't think it's a coincidence a good chunk of this episode is dedicated to someone convinced that they are doing something right just to realize they have been tunneling badly and are actually wrong. Trevor didn't realize until his victim was dead, whereas Jon did finally manage to just ask and get out of this one bad tunnel. I have a feeling that's not the end of the spiral for Jon, though.

I dare say Martin could be a potential alley for Jon in all this, since he's the only one Jon still willingly talks to (oh how the turns have tabled!) and hasn't - somehow - completely alienated with his bullshit. Although I believe Martin will struggle on whether to side with Jon through his mania or with his coworkers - or maybe even with himself, and finally standing up to Jon's bullshit. I'd love to see it. Did he always say "sorry" so often? I think he apologized four times this episode, which is incredible considering his short screen time. I think he may be genuinely intimidated by Jon. Although that could have just been because Jon was onto him, I feel like Martin seems to have... curled up on himself a bit this season. I remember him not taking quite as much of Jon's shit in season 1, but these days he's really just ducking his head.

Which brings me to the last point of this: Martin's secret: ahahahahahahah I love it so much.

As funny as I think it is - and I think it would have been even funnier if we knew what age Martin is pretending to be in the first place - his story gets sadder the more you think about it? He admitted his mother starting having problems and he dropped out of school to support them - considering that was apparently 12 years ago, and I assume his mother's struggles were health related somehow - I feel confident assuming she is indeed dead.

Martin was writing venty letters to his dead mother while he was trapped at his place of work because he was being stalked by flesh eating worms but also terrified that said place of work would find out about his real identity, probably throwing him back into poverty again with even fewer prospects - especially if they'd reported him to the police. No wonder he doesn't seem to have a social life, either.

Yeah okay, I'd feel meek under these circumstances too, and considering how put-together Martin seemed in season 1, I'd say he's officially a certified badass.

Man, if I had a nickle every time there was a main character who was once under siege by a supernatural entity trapping him in isolation, and who faked his paranatural work credentials and kept lying about it to his coworker, who happens to be a bit of an anti-social shut in, I'd have two nickels.

[fortysevenswrites]

SethKate for the ship questionnaire!

So...I got a little wordy on this one. Under the cut!

How did they first meet?

Well, Kate almost ran Seth over her family's RV, if we want to be technical, where she called him, "just some weirdo", not knowing that she's going to one day become...his second wife! (I will never be able to stop myself from referencing we don’t make the future, we just know it). But actual real meeting was when Richie dragged her back from the Dew Drop Inn pool at gunpoint and found Seth in the hotel room with her dad and brother.

Who felt romantic feelings first?

So Kate had a moment of "oh shit I just had a sexual awakening and I don't know what to do" when Seth punched out the doorman for being a creep (which, also, she had another one of those when Kisa had Richie drink tequila off her foot, so like, it was a VERY long day for Kate and she didn't really have time to explore any of THAT, what with the whole, vampire of it all) and Seth just had NO clue why he was so drawn to Kate during the Longest and Worst Night Of Their Lives TM.

All the same, I think Seth felt more, real, "oh shit, Kate is my forever PERSON" feelings first, during the Mexican Honeymoon and it SCARED THE FUCK OUT OF HIM, because she was taking to criminal life like a duck to water and was like, the most perfect partner he could imagine outside his brother, which then sent his brain on a tailspin because Richie was supposed to be his only ever perfect partner. Which was a big part of why he thought it was right to send her away for her safety in 2x02.

And while Kate definitely had feelings at the time, more of her feelings developed after she died and was fighting off Amaru in her body, and she saw Seth's soul when Amaru tried to kill him, and then saw all the efforts he was making to save her after he found out she was alive.

You! Made! Them! Into! Heroes!

Like, that's when she KNEW she was totally and completely done for.

Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Hahahaha SO MUCH. Like I said in the last answer, Seth liked Kate so much it scared him enough that he thought the best option was just to send her away for her safety (forgetting that she's so fucking stubborn and is basically the human form of the "fight me" emoji--which, was probably because of the heroin fucking up his what little complex reasoning skills he has.)

And Kate definitely resisted any feelings back in Mexico because of the heroin and she was NOT going to ever commit herself to a junkie.

Who initiated their feelings first?

SETH GECKO JUST WANTS TO HOLD KATE FULLER'S HAND AND I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

(yes, I'm referring to 3x04)

It was Seth with his actions throughout season 3, especially once he confirmed that she was actually still alive in 3x04. But it was Kate who said the words first and hit him with the metaphorical 2x4 before she walked through the gate in 3x10.

Who said “I love you” first?

Like I said, it was Kate in 3x10 before she walked into the gate. I also think it's Kate, AGAIN, post-canon, because Seth loves Kate so much he doesn't have sense, but also has a martyr complex a mile wide and is too scared to make a move because...did she mean in general? was she just talking to Scott? did she mean like love in the romantic sense or platonic???? why couldn't she be more clear it's not like we were facing the end of the world or anything.

And Kate had to be like "yes I actually love you, you donut"

Who gets jealous easily?

While Kate may have some insecurities about Seth's history and the women he's been with in the past, Seth really doesn't like other men who are closer to Kate's age to talk to her, especially at Jed's. He's not a caveman about it, but there are times where he'll get a little huffy about it until Kate sets him straight. It's not something that happens often, and it helps that Kate doesn't look like she was just recently a teenager thanks to the red hair.

Who is more protective?

Seth is SO protective. SO protective. A lot of it is because of what Kate's gone through and Seth really wants to shield her from having to deal with anything even remotely like what she went through over those two years. But at the same time? NO ONE fucks with her boys and gets away with it. Kate can be pretty vicious when she wants to be. Do no harm, but take no shit. And Seth LOVES it.

Who remembers the little things?

Seth feels like he can't afford to forget anything because of everything that happened to them since they met. While they both remember like, all the things, Seth is the ones who brings it up the most, like off-hand comments that Kate made in Mexico about things she likes or dislikes, and it always throws her when he remembers things that she didn't expect him to remember.

Who talks about their feelings more?

Kate is the one who instigates the conversations because Seth can kind of be emotionally constipated. He always feels like he feels WAY more than she does and doesn't want to overwhelm her, and Kate's just like, "shut the fuck up, I'm so stupid about you its almost embarrassing".

Who uses the cheesier pickup lines?

Seth, 1000000%, because he loves him some old movies and can't help but quote them. And then he dies a little on the inside when Kate doesn't understand that reference. But she likes the pickup lines all the same.

(Richie, on the other hand, is disgusted by them both.)

What does a first date look like for them?

Because of, you know, everything, they don't really do a traditional first date. They just go from not together (because she was dead, and then possessed) to extremely together, very quickly. The first time they go on a traditional date is probably one night on a trip they take to Galveston some months after season 3. Seth's like, oh shit, we haven't actually gone on a DATE, and Kate's like, whatever you want to do sounds nice (partly because she doesn't want him to feel obligated to do traditional relationship things since from what she knows about him, he's never been about that life), but Seth pulls out all the stops (really nice restaurant out by the beach, brings her flowers, etc) and it's awkward for all of five minutes because they feel like they should be doing traditional early-relationship date things, until they remember everything they've gone through together and Kate makes some comment about Richie which reminds Seth of a funny story about them and one of their early heists and suddenly it's all back to normal.

What do they like to do together?

Crime. They both saw the potential of what they could be as partners with the mercado heist, but of course didn't have time to think about it all what with everything that happened after, but when Seth let himself accept Kate as a partner, it opened up Los Tres Geckos to a hell of a lot more successful and lucrative crimes to pull off. Kate's REALLY fucking good at crime, and Seth loves it.

(Richie, on the other hand, is kind of disgusted by how much Seth loves how good at crime Kate is)

Which one gets angry the most, leaving the other to calm them down?

Kate is definitely the one who tends to be more even-keeled, especially with her "violence is not the answer" upbringing. She knows better than to let Seth get lost in his own head for too long, and with them being together Seth gets a lot better at handling both his anger and his anxiety.

Do they like PDA?

Seth is much more comfortable with it than Kate is. Kate is just really not a fan of how their culebra family and staff have heightened senses and like ALWAYS KNOW thanks to pheromones, so she tries to be as even-keeled as possible and PDA-free around them. Seth doesn't always let her get away with it.

(This may or may not play into the events of House Hunters: Culebra Properties Edition....just saying.)

What are their big spoon / little spoon arrangements?

More often than not, Kate is the big spoon, but it also depends on who's having the worst nightmares and when. Kate just tends to sprawl, and most of that sprawling ends up being on top of Seth.

Does one like the cuddle more than the other?

Seth Gecko is a WORLD CHAMPION CUDDLER. World. Freaking. Champion. Kate is a little surprised by it, but she's super into it. They're pretty much always touching in one way, shape, or form when they're around each other.

Who hogs the blankets?

I don't think either, so much as Seth runs so warm at night that he tends to kick the blankets off both of them and he uses his both heat to keep Kate warm at night.

Who’s more likely to initiate sex?

Seth, 10000%. Kate's always into it, because Seth is DAMN good at what he does, but he tends to initiate more.

Who’s the kinkiest?

Kate is 10000000% not aware of her kinks because of her upbringing, but she finds she's pretty much into whatever Seth suggests. It's all pretty vanilla, but there are some positions that Kate never would have thought of and she's here for it.

Who is the top and bottom in their sex life? Are they interchangeable?

Seth is usually the one who takes control of things, but the times where Kate's in charge, well, are some of the best sex that Seth has ever had.

Who likes giving and who likes receiving oral?

Definitely both. Seth does it more because he doesn't like to let Kate, and also prefers to finish inside her, but Kate is also very good at what she does, on those times.

Can they last more than one round?

Oh definitely. Y'all, despite the fact that Seth started going gray in his late 20s, Seth is NOT that old. He can keep up.

Which one is a morning person?

Kate is slightly more of a morning person compared to Seth, who is absolutely NOT, but considering their lifestyle is mostly nocturnal, but tend to stay up pretty late.

Do either of them like to cook?

Seth knows how to cook fast food-type food from his time at Big Kahuna, and Kate likes to bake more than she likes to cook. But Kate does know how too cook thanks to her upbringing in Bethel and "traditional woman things". They'll split the difference for breakfast, but most often lunches and dinner are either brought in or eaten at Jed's.

If they get married, who proposes first?

This is one of the times in Kate's life where she is pretty traditional, and lets Seth do the proposing. It's also a lot more of a traditional proposal than she expected, with Seth setting up a fuckton of candles on the balcony of their beach house in Galveston and surprising here with takeout from her favorite restaurant and getting down on one knee before dessert.

What kind of wedding do they have?

It's small, and not technically legal since they're all technically dead. Richie officiates, Scott shows up with his culebra girlfriend, and Kisa comes with a very nice gift that Seth is kind of a dick about accepting from her, because they're very much those antagonistic type of friends and he feels awkward about any sincerity from her and being sincere in return. He's also not comfortable with how much dancing Richie and Kisa do together at their small reception, which Kate thinks is hilarious.

Does anyone object to their relationship?

Freddie isn't a fan, but he doesn't get a vote. Scott doesn't like Seth because of how their families first came together (kidnapping is kind of a bad first impression, I guess), but grows to accept their relationship especially after all the efforts Seth took to get Kate back and how Seth did ultimately save Kate's life while Scott was busy freaking out in the church.

Do they have any kids?

Their lifestyle isn't conductive for children (read: crime is illegal), and also Seth is terrified by the idea of treating any potential children like his dad did, or fucking them up in some way. Along with her fears of potentially going through what her mother suffered before she died, Kate is also scared of passing on any potential leftovers from Amaru. They just mutually decide to pass on that.

They do end up taking in the newly turned culebra teenagers that come their way, because Kate has some experience with encountering culebras at a young age, and Scott is always available for consults as an eternal 16-year-old. They stay at Jed's for a while to acclimate before moving on. It ends up being a handful every year, and Kate always keeps track of them and stays in touch. It's as close to motherhood as it gets for her, and she loves it.

Do they have any pets?

One day, Seth finds an injured cat in their backyard, and just like that, they have a cat. Once she recovers, she becomes the queen of the house, and she loves cuddling with them both on the couch in the evenings.

[tmntallthewaydown]

Tales of the Hidden City Writing Appreciation Post Pt.1!

The last batch of episodes, Tales of the Hidden City, were excellent. As an animator, it’s easy to get bowled over by the visuals of the show and just rant about those, but I wanted to spotlight another awesome part of Rise of TMNT -- the writing!

The writing is always fun in the show, but there were parts of these episodes that I really wanted to call out for how clever and great they are.

Each of the Tales of the Hidden City eps puts the characters in a situation where their strengths are negated or challenged. (Also, big cheer for a bunch of episodes finally exploring the Hidden City. It’s such a fun location, I want to see it all.)

Donnie Vs Witch Town  an episode where Donnie’s tech can’t solve the problem Raph’s Ride Along  an episode where Raph’s heroics are seen as anything but Hidden City’s Most Wanted  an episode where Mikey’s peacekeeping can’t keep the peace Bad Hair Day  an episode where the face man’s face ain’t enough

I figured I’d do a separate post for each episode so it doesn’t get over-long. 

I’ll be focusing on character development mainly since that’s what stood out to me most!

Donnie Vs Witch Town

Directed by Abe Audish, Written by Ian Busch, Storyboarded by Alicia Chan

*Spoilers for the episode!* I won’t do full recaps, and assume you’ve all seen the ep if you’re reading this..

We start with Donnie referencing the Shadow Fiend in the Battle Nexus. 

“Rumour has it, this Shadow Fiend is quite the fierce champion”

I’m assuming this line’s here because the writers want to keep dropping us tantalizing crumbs to set up the Shadow Fiend as being an important figure in this season. The writers want to keep them present and in our minds as well as let us know that whoever the fiend is, (I bet we all have guesses), they’ve gotta be making quite the name for themselves if even the Turtles have heard of them.

April says she’s headed to Witch Town, whereupon Donnie is horrified. I think horrified is the right word.

“Drop it, D.” “Why not ask me? Mr Science!”

The “Drop it, D” is an elegant way to imply this conversation is a continuation of one they were having pre-episode. April is already very done with the discussion.

Donnie’s line is great because it’s one of two times in this episode that he calls himself ‘Mr Science’ or ‘The Science Guy’. Here, the line comes off as triumphant and proud, but later there is a feeling of desperation to it. It’s a really nice parallel to set up at the beginning, so we can hammer home the duality of what that label means to Donnie.

To preface, this episode deals with Don’s self worth being tangled up in his ability to do Science good. Because of this, he does a lot of projecting in this episode. For the most part, you can assume any time he mentions ‘Science’, he is actually talking about himself. Basically, substitute that word for his own name, and it makes the subtext more obvious.

Here, have these just because they’re fun.

Don ‘helping out’ with various Science Fair projects. April has a good reason not to ask him for help again.

A nuclear powered cooking multi-tool?

The Erupting Volcano. The floor is literally lava.

The Classic Potato Battery experiment.

“Hmm. That must have been the work of another Teenage Mutant Ninja Dummie.”

I’m calling out Donnie’s response here just because I enjoy the consistency the writers give to the way he handles failures. Innnnn that he will feign complete ignorance of the incident and claim it must have been someone else entirely.

--

“You turned a cuddly animatronic bear into a psychotic robot bent on destroying us? No? Got April Fired? Mmm? Nothing? Mmm?” “That does not sound like me, no.”

- from Al Be Back

--

In general it’s an established part of his character that he has problems accepting failure.

Donnie deflects blame in many other episodes - to April in ‘The Purple Jacket’ and to his brothers in ‘Todd Scouts’ off the top of my head. This trait is pertinent to this episode in particular because the apology we get at the end of the episode from him is by far the most full and cohesive admission of blame he has given in the two series so far. I’d say it’s a step forward on the level of Leo’s apology from the ‘Air Turtle’ episode (another great episode showing Leo’s growth towards becoming a team player!). 

Either way, it’s nice that we see him redirect the blame early in the episode so the moment can provide more of a contrast to him coming full circle and accepting the blame later.

One last thing about the line - I put my hands up to admit that this may be me overthinking it, but Don essentially calls himself a dummie here. Whether this was intentional by the writers to hint at his insecurities or just a fun line, I couldn’t say - but since it relates back to events later in the episode I thought it might be worth mentioning.

Moving on, Donnie accompanies April to Witch Town despite it being the last place he wants to be. It’s our first hint that his obsessive need to convince April that all Mystic stuff is garbage might run a bit deeper than just vocal teasing. 

April calls him out on being closed minded and we get

“Oh I’m sorry, I was just stewing over how everyone needs to be more like me.”

Of course we know that’s not how he really feels, as we’ve all seen that episode.

The writing here is nice and subtle. It lets us know that Donnie isn’t being honest. He’s giving April sass, but the sentiment he’s expressing is false.

The episode continues with Donnie comparing every feat of magic to it’s scientific equivalent until April essentially tells him to can it if he doesn’t want a bat to the plastron. The witches show off, prompting exclamations from April at how amazing their magic is.

Then we get one of my favourite lines from Donnie as he snaps.

“Your Mystic Magic is not amazing, it’s simple and soft. There, I said it.”

That soft is a word that Donnie would use as an insult, associating it with something he dislikes and looks down on, is very affecting. You know what else is soft?

The writing here is so revealing and wonderful. They could have used any insult, but the writers chose to have him express his frustration in a way that sheds light on the way Donnie sees himself. It gets right to the root of the problem he has in this episode, which is that without his science and tech, Donnie doesn’t feel like he is particularly ‘Amazing’ either.

That April calling magic amazing is what prompt’s Don’s snap, rather than any of the words of the townsfolk, is one of the clues we’re given to the truth behind D’s drive in this episode. The writers will bring that back later on!

So April and Don are kicked outta Witch Town when Don’s improv musical performance to convince April to let him help her instead ends up blowing up in his face.

Popping this here because watching Donnie get deservedly smacked by April at this point was very cathartic for me. Dingus.

Donnie offers to help the witches in return for them helping April. It seems sweet at first, but it becomes plain fairly fast that this is really another opportunity for D to try and prove that science is king.

“Ah would you look at that. Banished, and I still saved the day.” “Wait, is that why you did this?” “Nooo! It’s because I was sorry - about being closed minded - about how wrong I were.”

Again, it’s up to the writers to show us that Donnie is lying about his motivations here. That little bit of incorrect grammar (saying ‘were’ instead of ‘was’), calls out to us that something is up. Donnie is smart, and it’s out of character for him to word things sloppily. It lets us know that all is not well, and that things are yet to be resolved, internally at least.

I couldn’t help calling out this wonderful posing, even though I’m trying to focus on the writing. It really sells us on the dissatisfaction brewing between them. Gorgeous acting from the animators.

The peace offering potion the witches were making seems to work, and Donnie wastes no time in trying to rub their faces in the fact that science provided one of the ingredients - until it becomes clear that Donnie’s contribution has soured the brew. He tries to avoid blame and responsibility, as we’ve seen him do in previous episodes (and earlier in this one). Nothing I’m calling out here besides the novelty of seeing a mob of witches trying to lynch a scientist - a bit of a historical reversal!

The big bad is storming Witch Town and Donnie gets ready to smack down - specifically “because when I defeat it with my tech, they will have to admit science is better!”

It’s worth saying that on the word ‘they’, he points directly at April. Because as we’re about to discover, it’s not actually proving to these random villagers that Science is best that’s important to him (though maybe that would be nice), but about proving to April specifically that Science is best. Thank you animators/storyboarders for making that subtext more explicit!

At this point we as the audience have had it up to here with Donnie’s bullheadedness. The reveal that D’s gripe is personal and April/brother specific, rather than just a frustration with Witch Town in general, goes some way to explaining why he is so obsessive over it.

Donnie’s Tech Bo breaks in the conflict, and we get the awesome reveal of April’s Mystic Bat. She is of course, badass with it and kicks butt. April saving Donnie’s hide with Mystic Magic prompts the confrontation between them that is the emotional heart of the episode.

“Why are you so obsessed with proving me wrong on this!?” “Because! I’m the Science Guy! (sigh) If Mystic Powers can do everything I can do but better, then why would you guys even need me?”

Here is the payoff to the opening ‘Mr Science’ line from earlier in the episode. The wording is similar, however this time the line is tinged with defeat. The duality revealed is that Science makes Don feel powerful, but without it, he feels powerless.

The visuals that go hand in hand with the dialog are very telling here, too.

The image of Donnie holding his broken Tech Bo isn’t just to show us that his technology isn’t enough to win, that it can be broken. It’s also showing us how he sees himself, drawing a direct comparison between Donnie and his broken Tech. He’s not always perfect, but he’s ultimately useful, right? Until he’s not. I’ve no doubt that this was a deliberate move from the Storyboarders, and I think they sold the moment brilliantly.

His words make it clear that Donnie believes that “if Mystic Powers can do everything I can do but better”, ie, help April with her project without blowing her classroom up, why would she not keep going to Mystics instead of him in the future? 

With her not ‘needing’ him for scientific assistance any more, he sees no reason for her to continue hanging out with him. This ties back to the clues the writers dropped earlier in the episode, that suggest he doesn’t regard himself highly without his science. 

The obsession this episode with disproving how ‘Amazing’ Mystic Magic is in front of April makes a lot more sense through the lens that he is fighting to keep April’s friendship.

“You Guys” expands this sentiment to include the rest of his family. If his tech ends up letting down the team and is unneeded then by extension, he would also be unneeded.

As viewers, we know this is untrue. Even beyond the fact that these characters rely on one another emotionally, we saw Don fight alongside his brothers in ‘Insane in the Mama Train’ - all of them tech-less and Mystic-less - and they kicked butt, even if they did end up being eventually captured. However, it’s clear from the writing here that this isn’t how Donatello himself feels.

“You’re not important to me because of your tech, you’re important to me because of you! I don’t think Mystic Powers is better than Science. If anything, they’re stronger together, just like us! Right?” “Right!”

April’s comeback is wonderful. Super eloquently written and gets right to the heart of his insecurities. First undermining the thought that if Don didn’t have tech, she wouldn’t need him, then framing Mystic Powers as something that will bring them closer together. Beautiful writing! 

I also want to just celebrate how the writers handle April’s characterisation as being someone who is super excited and curious about any kind of Mystic Magic or supernatural shenanigans. I really like this consistency in her character where she is way into anything otherworldly or unexplained. I hope we get to see more of it in the future!

We get to see April and Donnie kick butt together which super fun! I’m very happy we got another episode with these two, the way they bounce off one another is really enjoyable to watch.

“I was wrong to not be more open-minded. It’s just that Mystic Powers are the one thing I have not been able to solve. As a man of Science, it is maddening to finally come upon something that you do not understand. Especially when your dum-dum brothers totally do, and they wave their dum-dum weapons in their dum-dum hands all the dum-dum time! But that is just a long way of saying I am sorry’.

The apology is very articulate, letting us know that D is truthful here. It’s a nice little payoff when compared to his earlier lie with April, where the writers had him fudge his words to imply his dishonesty. 

April actually believes him this time too, judging by the lovely acting here. 

 We’re treated to this perspective on Donnie’s feelings, which reveals a couple of interesting things to us. ‘The one thing I have not been able to solve’ indicates that he has previously attempted - and failed - to understand Mystic stuff, which is new information. It goes against our impressions from the rest of the series so far (that he is simply disinterested). We also learn that his brothers’ understanding of their powers has created a knowledge imbalance that is a frustration to him. I very much hope that the show keeps taking steps in this direction with Donnie, just because I would love to see an arc that results in him getting more involved with the Mystic side of things.

To wrap up the episode, I really appreciated the way the writers handled the internal conflict in Donnie Vs Witch Town. There was a lot of subtlety and subtext in the writing, which I am absolutely here for. Donnie’s end reveal really recontextualizes the earlier shenanigans in a meaningful way, and marks a step forward for him. April has her Bat now, and Don is a little more open to Mystic Powers as a possibility! I’m excited to see where we go next! 

Thanks for sticking with me, if you got to the end, and I hope you found it as interesting as I did! ‘Raph’s Ride along’ is the next ep I’ll dig into.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

The Video

Alrighty, so as promised, I listened-slash-watched-slash-backtracked the video over making and eating dinner, with a break in between to take a phone call from my sister, so I may have missed and misunderstood/misheard a few things and may need another rewatch to fix any presumptions I make in this mini (?)-review.

Two things I do need to correct from my last post:

One is that I actually was sent the video to pre-watch before it was posted; I found it in my emails two days later but because I was swamped with day job stuff (as in I was working until 11 PM both days, and I didn’t even sit down until 4 on Saturday), and my fandom email is NOT a primary address so it’s not hooked up to my main Mail server on my MacBook (limited space), I hadn’t checked my emails since Thursday afternoon. So yeah, technically I should’ve known it was out, so apologies: technically I knew it was coming out; my sorry arse just didn’t check my emails.

Second, is that meta I did send her did get referenced and used; some of it word for word (like the discussion about the difference between Johnlockers and TJLC) so meta was read, my bad on assuming it wasn’t before watching.

C’est ça on that front.

A few things that ruffled my feathers and maybe I misheard, but I’ll mention them as I remember it:

I did find it slightly bothersome that the assumption was that Johnlockers that we were a bunch of teenagers (we weren’t – most of the people I talked to were in their 20′s and 30′s and many were academics of varying sorts). SZ was younger than many of us in our little corner of the fandom, I think, and it was filled with amazing meta and university-level papers on queer history, ACD canon history, subtextual writing and literature.  EDIT: I did skim back over to a bit of the beginning since I missed it over making dinner, and I guess a lot of the people who contacted SZ were teens at the time of the airdate, so again, my little bubble and all that and apologies for assuming. :P

This is a totally biased view and probably indicative of how deep down the rabbit hole I was: A bit annoyed at the implication in our belief that Mofftiss weren’t trying to deliberately imply the Gay Sherlock / BiJohn thing especially paying special attention to it during Q&As and meet and greets and interviews; That the cues weren’t there. Though she did point out the queerbaiting aspect of it. I don’t know. Maybe I misunderstood since I was stuffing my gob with pasta and wishing I had a cheesecake.

I think SZ should’ve worded her Twitter callout post a LOT better, because the cons were only mentioned for about 10 minutes, and in only in relation to the drama. She did praise the cons as a positive experience for people, so I’ll give her that.

The Twitter stuff pre-vid-posting still rubs me the wrong way.

Still feel that selling the shirts is tasteless. Mug is cute, though.

Things I did find interesting / good / stuff I didn’t know:

I know I’m a minority in this regard, especially since I am a fence sitter, but I feel... relieved? sorry I can’t think of the word... that SZ essentially did accuse Mofftiss of queerbaiting by the end of it – that it’s not just us who see it. I’ve always said without an S5, it IS queerbaiting, and given that S5 probably won’t happen anytime soon... well. Like I’ve said in the past, I hold out a glimmer of hope. Not holding my breath though.

The mentions of some of the fandom theories and speculations were done tastefully, light jesting but not mocking them.

The discussion section about AA / Mary... Yikes. I forgot it got THAT bad.... I guess because I was always in the “Mary’s a kickass villain” camp so I was blissfully ignorant about that stuff until a few years later. 

The ace stuff, 100% true, and I’m glad it was brought up.

The term “Ragnalock” got a chuckle out of me, will admit that. First time I’ve heard of it.

I had no idea the ARG theory was anything more than thelostspecial website. Somehow I missed that whole thing about it being part of the series itself.

And, a lot of things, in hindsight: just an overall, “yeah. :|”

And some additional notes I can’t really classify one way or another:

Cringing at MYSELF because of some of the post-S4 theories that, looking back: oof. Apple Tree Yard specifically. 

AND cringing at myself because I know I perpetuated a lot of the “IT WILL HAPPEN” in my corner of the fandom pre-S4 because I wanted people to be excited for a new season. For that I am very sorry to everyone who were hurt by my belief. S4 was a brick wall and I hit it hard, thought I do enjoy theorizing about how fake it was. It’s the only way to cope for me, LOL.

Ooof the drama stuff, a lot of it I didn’t know the entire deets about, only about the PPG being involved. I tried to stay out of it when I could and focused mainly on meta writing, my own healing processes, and making people feel welcome. It’s what a few bigger bloggers did for me when I joined by interacting with my posts and offering their kindness, and I wanted to return the favour. Inevitable it had to be covered, but yeah, dark times.

LOOOOOOOL the critique about TFP. Literally stuff that we’ve talked about in our “something’s fucky” tag. 

And to address the elephant in the room: Yes, I DID give SZ meta, but it was the link to fandom meta that is essentially on the header of my blog on desktop, just as I do with anyone interested in the fandom.

Overall, it was a thought provoking vid, a bit of a nostalgia hit to be honest. I thought that it was a good video, interesting in that strange way where you relive strange moments of your past. I feel it was a fair analysis of the fandom, but please, please remember: I can’t speak for those directly involved in the events mentioned, because I WAS NOT THERE. Not my place to disregard their feelings if they have a different opinion than I. 

That said, I think it’s worth a watch if only to see what the fandom WAS. But it’s informative and respectful, I think. Though, I think she could’ve left out the bit at the end just before the credits.

And finally: to anyone who are coming here from the vid: I have been here since S3, joined because of LSiT, and later I wrote villain Mary meta and TAB meta. These days, I primarily have focussed my attentions on curating content, offering my advice on stuff, introducing newbies to the series, and trying to spread positivity, all peppered in with the random theory from time to time, and trying to atone for my... “enthusiasm”?... in the past. I like promoting community and open discussion from all viewpoints, as long as it remains respectful. So yeah, I do have some meta you can check out, just let me know what you’re looking for, and I do lots of fic recs, so if you’re looking for something, hit me up.

Cheers, all. I’m going to bed. 

[cassyapper]

loving you may mean losing you but i dont mind (jotakak playlist)

dont talk to me about the title of this thing im embarrassed enough

anyway but okay so!!!! very excited to share this!!!! this has been in the works since september but my picky ass finally found an adequate amount of songs so here it is!!!!!! my jotakak playlist (:

special thanks to my lovely and wonderful friend jade for helping me finish this this thing <3

track list nd why i picked the songs that i did under the break!

1. the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! by sufjan stevens i chose this song because it’s all about internalized homophobia and being in love with your best friend as a kid which RLLY resonates w jotakak imo. esp cause in the song, stevens’ friend ends up leaving abruptly, leaving stevens to wonder about what couldve blossomed if they had stuck together and worked through the difficulties together, which JOTARO....THAT IS JOTARO-CORE esp cause kak also “leaves” (dies). so this song was a v obvious choice for me and in fact this song is what inspired me to create this playlist in the first place

2. we are beautiful, we are doomed by los campesinos! this song is abt being in love with someone but you both have ur issues so it’s kind of a mess. considering jotaro and kakyoin’s (to point it quite frankly) trauma and the fact that both of them do jack shit to try and cope with it healthily, this song DEFINITELY fits them. esp cause this song mentions physical fighting and the imagery that goes with it (”he got his teeth fixed/im gonna break them”, “i’ve got a fist on fire”, etc) and the entirety of the bridge/last verse rlly gives me these two’s vibes so! ya (:

3. love love love by of monsters and men this song is the singer feeling like shes completely unworthy of being loved by this important person in her life, particularly because she has NO idea how to show affection and love the (for lack of better word) “acceptable” way, or any way at all really. this REALLY has jotaro vibes cause he is one repressed motherfucker and as we see the entirety of his story, jotaro is full of love he loves so much it’s just he has no idea how to properly express it cause he’s scared essentially. but that didn’t stop people from loving him, in this case, that being kakyoin. hhhhHHh

4. ribs by lorde this song is about being scared of growing up but due to the lyrics being written the way they are, i kinda spin the interpretation of it to be the fear jotaro and kakyoin had on the crusade to egypt, as they were the youngest and didnt know if they’d make it back and everything is just incredibly overwhelming there is so much going on all the time those 50 days. i can do a full analysis on why but that would be kinda long LMAO. for now let’s leave it at they have a very Unique fear of growing up but it still fits with the lyrics. particularly the last bit of the song with the “youre the only friend i need” verses,,,makes me think of these two...

5. can i call you tonight? by dayglow i interpret this song to be about trying to figure out what, exactly, your feelings are for this very specific and important person in your life. since jotaro and kakyoin r both repressed and also suckers of internalized homophobia, i think they fit that theme very well. particularly with the whole “i feel like we’re close, but maybe we’re not actually? what are we?” theme going on in the lyrics, this whole song makes me think of jotaro and kakyoin figuring out their intense and sudden (cause again only 50 days but also, those 50 days had So Much going on) feelings for each other. also the “now i’m no longer alone” line in the chorus HHHHHHH that’s them

6. la la la love song by toshinobu kubota ft naomi campbell SO I KNOW THIS SONG IS KINDA JUST FLUFF but we need some light-hearted moments in this thing hjgg;. ALSO toshinobu kubota is canonically jotaro’s favorite musician so i wanted to reference that and this was my fav love song of his that i’ve found so far so (: also the “you are my shining star” line,,,heh

7. truce by twenty one pilots so this song is very soft. it’s about tending to wounds and taking a moment before continuing to push on. it makes me think abt jotaro and kakyoin taking care of each other on the journey (for example the lovers arc/n’doul fight). also the whole “stay alive, stay alive for me/you will die, but now your life is free/take pride in what is sure to die” makes me go fucking nuts that is. that fits these two to a T fuck

8. this side of paradise by coyote theory this song has big “two lonely people are in love with each other for the first time” vibes and OHHHHHHHHHH THAT’S JOTAKAK.... there are a lot of little lines that make me specifically think abt these two, such as “love so strong it makes me feel weak” (jotaro-core...), “if you’re lonely come be lonely with me”, “i’ll be yours if you’ll be mine” (wanting some security while ur in love for the first time is common but especially for these two i think it works spectacularly) but yea this song as a whole is just...ohhh them. theyre in lvoe HK;FNJFL

9. i saw you in a dream by the japanese house EVERY. SINGLE. LINE. OF THIS SONG IS POST-EGYPT JOTARO. EVERY SINGLE LINE. and the ghost the singer talks about seeing? they hadnt changed at all? they were such a pretty vision, a perfect hallucination? BRUH... just listen i could do a whole analysis on this song it all just fits jotaro mourning kakyoin throughout the years so so so so well it makes me feel nuts holy shit i just. literally every line. every line fits i am not joking. i cried when i first heard this song LMAO

10. video games by the young professionals SO LMAO obviously kakyoin’s epic gamer moves are being referenced but beyond that i interpret this song to just be the fun parts of being in love esp when ur young (backed up with the “kissing in the blue dark” and the “watching all our friends fall” lines). also the chorus just makes me want to cry cause just, happy jotakak moments PLEASE. “the world was built for two only worth living if somebody is loving you, and baby now you do” THEYRE NOT ALONE ANYMORE THEY FOUDN EACH OTHER IM GONAN WAILLLLLLL oh my god. im nuts theynkjNJKNJF also “i heard that you like the bad girls” please. these two shitty teenagers

11. ikanaide by sohta ft. yuki kaai this song is abt not wanting someone u love to leave u cause youll miss them obviously but also ur scared of how the time will change you and if it’ll make you unrecognizable eventually. big post-egypt jotaro vibes 😔 especially cause one part of the chorus translates to “i shouldnt cry, i shouldnt cry, but the truth is i want to say dont go” and im jus like OHHHHH NO IT’S JOTARO FINDING OUT KAKYOIN DIED jkfnNKJFNJDhkld

12. therefore you and me by eve ALRIGHT. god this song is one hell of a doozy. i interpret this song to mean being sincerely in love but youre in the wrong place/wrong time. considering the uh Whole Situation in part 3 there were definitely better times to fall in love for these two. jotaro and kakyoin try to be happy w the moments they do have (i think the second verse in particular adds to this sentiment what with the selfish ghosts part) but they want a better environment understandably so theyre also just kinda ignoring things until they can properly care for a relationship. but well...who knows if theyll live to make it to that better environment ):

13. mayonaka no door/stay with me by miki matsubara this song is a v sweet sentiment abt like “it’s not just heat of the moment!! i do care about u a lot!!” and asking the person u have feelings for to stick around. big kakyoin and jotaro vibes as it would be easy to call what they have a fling considering how relatively short of a timeframe they had but i genuinely think their relationship was deeper than just that and this song nicely reflects such. “jotaro and i will share a room cause we’re both students” fuckin head ass

14. a thousand years by sting oh sting.... so since sting is kakyoin’s favorite musician canonically i had to add one of his songs here as well but beyond just that i do think this song fits them!! it kinda gives me big “if not in this life, then the next” vibes which is a big uhhh thing for jotakak. they may be doomed to tragedy but the moments they have together make the tragedy worth enduring ironically i feel like this song is mostly from jotaro’s pov considering i dont think he ever completely got over kakyoin and this song def has that kinda sentiment but hey it fits them...

15. mr loverman by ricky montgomery SO FUNNY STORY i actually REALLY. REALLY didnt wanna add this song at first cause i felt it wouldve been...idk too cliche? i guess? and i was ALL kinds of picky when choosing songs for this playlist HOWEVER. eventually i relistened to it and read the lyrics while thinking specifically abt jotakak and it actually rlly does fit quite well KJDFN; another jotaro mourning song ): it’s not just the chorus tho the whole song fits jotaro immediately post-egypt but also i feel like some time around part 4 this sentiment would come back to him cause Yknow. Gays In Morioh and the mess of his family life back in america. it just aches for him cause while he’s happy josuke is happy he wishes he couldve had that for him and kakyoin too but yea jus ... them

16. you by petit biscuit an instrumental?? in a ship playlist?? yes that’s right much like mr loverman i was hesitant to put this song in cause it’s harder to justify since i dont rlly know much abt music (and not to b controversial but interpreting lyrics and interpreting music r two different things) however i really think the vibes of this song fit jotakak. it’s got a somber melody but the keys of the piano are high which im taking to mean “light in the dark” which. jotaro and kakyoin (along w the rest of the crusaders) were each other’s lights in the dark. also the ending samples a conference/lecture talking about space flight and like. star platinum. space symbolism. jotaro. yeah

17. saturn by sleeping at last MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. this song is all about losing someone very close and important to you, but reflecting on the good they brought into your life rather than the pain of losing them. this song also has HEAVY space imagery which stardust crusaders is absolutely chalk fucking full of so also it’s a very philosophical song and considering that jotaro and kakyoin are both Nerds and both got a nice view of the stars/space in the desert with each other, im sure they had conversations similar to the one highlighted in the song. i think it’s a good note to end the playlist on cause kakyoin is dead and jotaro is the survivor but it’s not a mourning song so much as jotaro taking the love he had for kakyoin and pushing forward with it allll th way into part 6

but yeah that’s the tracklist! i might add or take away a song or two but this is mostly it (: hope yall enjoy!

[arcticdementor]

I was talking to Sarah yesterday and I had a revelation I think is worth sharing.

Let’s begin at the beginning. About a month ago, Instapundit posted this.

Now, I’ve been thinking of the rise and fall of civilizations lately. I can’t think why it’s been on my mind. It’s a tale as old as time—a civilization emerges, establishes a new worthwhile order, the good things brought forth by said order soften up the people maintaining it, the softening turns to decadence, and the decadence gives way to the barbarians, who clean the slate. Where would you say things are lately?

…

In short—the federal government of the United States of America has become impotent at almost all good things.

Expanded out—There is no start to its talents. It cannot maintain its borders. Since the “election” it doesn’t even try. No surprise there. It cannot maintain friendly relationships with allies—as our recent screwing of Britain on our way out of Afghanistan shows. The “leader” of the “free world” could not be bothered to pick up the phone for our closest ally. Speaking of Afghanistan, it can’t win a war. It can’t even lose gracefully. In fact it fucked up leaving so badly some people are entertaining that it intended to fuck it up, because how the fuck does somebody above the age of six not notice that pulling the military out first and the civilians out second is not even a remotely workable strategy? Resulting in leaving millions of dollars of equipment—and—excuse me, what? Millions of dollars of dollars in the desert? Fantastic.

It makes self sabotaging and idiotic choices to stymie its own domestic oil industry, while accepting a pipeline not from Canada, but one that’s a joint Russian-German venture instead. Which means the problem, contrary to any environmentalist whining, isn’t the pipeline—it’s the pipeline with a friendly country. Big surprise— its only true interest in the environment lies in international agreements that hamstring us while doing nothing to China, the world’s largest polluter. It either can’t be trusted on energy production  and the environment, or is trying to get it wrong.

It can’t manage its economy. What could have been a “V” shaped recovery has been turned into an “L” shaped one. What could be contributing? Paying people to do nothing? Rampant inflation? Meanwhile all the dumbasses running the country can think of is spending several billion more dollars that don’t exist. The country has infrastructure problems for a fact, but they’ll only acknowledge that to the extent of cynically plastering the word on an “infrastructure” bill which is in fact just a far Left wishlist that largely ignores actual infrastructure, in the hopes people will be dumb enough to support it because it has the right label.

And on.

And on.

And on.

What aptitudes does it have besides taking money, trampling civil liberties, and ignoring constitutional laws at gunpoint? News flash, dummies: We don’t need peaceful protestors incarcerated without a trial. We don’t need the weight of the federal government turned to the problem of violating states rights because Texas passed a law Biden doesn’t like. We need military egresses that look like they weren’t planned by Bozo the clown and an economic plan better than something China would design for us as an attempt to permanently sink the country. Is there anyone at all in DC who can provide that? If not, is there anything useful they can do? I’ll wait.

…

This is what decadence looks like. When the government stops even attempting competence because nothing and nobody that currently exists can replace or displace them so who cares about results? When comfort and plenty have become so common, been taken for granted for so long, that the question of utility or even basic sanity isn’t even distantly considered. When it’s assumed that self-harming policies that will obviously damage the country won’t really matter because nobody has ever known a world without America and fundamentally has no idea how the present day came to be. When the country’s most educated start chasing bizarre and unimaginably stupid ideas on economics that boil down to “inflation won’t happen if you double the monetary supply by printing money, if only you just believe hard enough”. In fact, when education stops being a means to greater insight, more useful abilities, and a better life, and becomes a cult devoted to the kind of idiocy that can survive only with strenuous censorship, the tenets of the cult being treated by the indoctrinated as a collection of sacred mysteries and deeply-thought paradoxes— while to those not similarly trained it is self-obviously a collection of contradictory and self-serving lies.

Verily, decadence is here. We can infer that what comes next is the barbarians. And we have options. Mexican illegals? A heady mixture of poverty-stricken Marxists who have never known a system that wasn’t corrupt, functionally lawless, and devoted to the tenets of voting oneself rich; and outright criminals with lives like “a demon’s resumé”? Perhaps radical Muslims? By sheer numbers worldwide they’re the most likely option. The Taliban just got a huge infusion of cash and a big boost in morale. In a few short days we’ll know whether they’ve arranged a thank you gift for Zho Bi-Xen and his kleptocrat marching band to commemorate his intended pull-out date. But even if, and God I hope, they have not, we can expect an uptick in terrorism and quite shortly. Or perhaps China? The Middle Kingdom would laugh at being called barbarians, but I call genocidal communists like I see them. Mao was morally three steps below a pig and Xi has enough power to aspire to greater depths. As is I wouldn’t dream of feeding a pig Mu Shu Xi due to the great risk of poisoning the pig.

But there is a barbarian group not considered. Us.

Hang on. Before you balk, listen. Look again at what these idiots are selling as the fruits of civilization. Defenses of pedophilia and urinals as art. And more, too—sterilization and disfigurement of teenagers in the form of sex changes. Black supremacy as a panacea to made up threats of white supremacy. Books nobody reads, movies nobody watches, paintings that exist only to launder money—even the ones not made by Hunter Biden.

What good person would not be proud to be considered a barbarian by these miserable, over-decorated Faberge people? I’d be mortified if they agreed with me! So they think I’m a sexist or a racist or whatever. Fine. They do not use these words to mean the same things I mean, so it’s a pointless argument, and they are now officially beneath my explaining myself to them. When the people who are calling me names are so morally opaque that the Taliban can make devastating critiques of them just by referencing the foundational works of their own gender studies programs, I’m done caring about the names. Fine. I’m what you think is a racist. I’m what you think is a sexist. But you think a lot of very stupid things, and as the curtain continues to draw back on the carnival of madness that’s been behind the scenes the entire time it’s occurring to me that what you think and reality overlap so seldom that the only time not to ignore you is when I can ridicule you. If that is your civilization, someone hand me a pointy horned helmet.

…

Yes, this is a moment of peril, but also opportunity. See in your country what every hostile group listed above sees in it—the makings of great civilization, along other, less stupid lines. All of it guarded by weak, fat, stupid people with no will and no self-belief. Take that mindset and go forth.

Get involved in your local systems. There is an old prayer for God to make ones enemies ridiculous. Congratulations to whomever was still praying it. Your prayers have been answered. Will you tell me that you cannot defeat these people? People who lose casual debates to terrorists not on principle but on basic facts?

…

You can’t reason with them so don’t bother. Recent events have made it clear you may as well try to talk sense into a three-day-old mackerel. Just confront them with their own stupidity so that people who see the inevitable video understand what this is about, and don’t feel that you are too good to shout them out of the room. You’re the barbarian, remember? Not like the nice civilized people with their gender-queer Tik-Tokers pushing vaccine propaganda. That means you’re excused from conversations with morons. Don’t bother trying to find common ground. Look at where they’re standing! Do you want to try to find the midpoint between that and reality? Silly. Pointless. Send them back to their walled online gardens to whine to their equally stupid friends about the barbarians.

Can we take it back from the ground up? I don’t know. But hey, it’s got to be worth a shot. Join the fun! Find some friends and locate a low-hanging political event to raid. When was the last time you went to a town hall for your town? Isn’t just a part of you curious to know whether your local county commissioner starts by declaring her pronouns? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see someone like that made very uncomfortable? You can make that happen. You can probably do it within the next month. Bring a few friends! Or a few dozen. Some of the people reading this probably were afraid to do that kind of thing for fear of losing their job. The Biden economy might have freed up some of your time. What have you got to lose now? More importantly, the way things are going, are you going to lose it anyway if things continue as they are? Think on it.

[oneweekoneband]

I’m slightly nauseous already with knowing I’m going to say this, but what does “self-awareness”  even mean? In modern parlance, as a descriptive phrase, as a comment on art? I’m asking in earnest, like, I’ve been Googling lately, which for me is basically on par with doctoral study in terms of academic rigor. The self is king, anyway, tyrant, so where is the line of distinction between material that intentionally is nodding at some truth about the artist’s life and what’s just, like, all the rest of the regular navel-gazing bullshit. I mean, I’m all self, I am guilty here. I can’t get it out of my poems or even make it more quiet. This is the tenth time I’ve invoked “I” in the space of six sentences. Processing art has always necessitated a certain amount of grappling with the creator, but the busywork of it lately grows more and more tedious. Joy drains out of my body parsing marks left behind not just in stylistic tendencies and themes, but in literal, intentional tags like graffiti on a water tower. This feels an age old and moth-holed complaint, dull, and I am no historian, or really a serious thinker of any kind. I’ve now complained at some length about self-referential art, but didn’t I love how Martin Scorsese nodded to the famous Goodfellas Copacabana tracking shot with the opening frames of last year’s The Irishman? Didn’t I find that terribly fun and sort of sweet? So there’s distinctions. I’m only saying I don’t know with certainty what they even are. I’m unreliable, and someone smarter than me has likely already solved my quandary about why self-knowledge often transforms into overly precious self-reflexivity in such a way that the knowledge is diminished and obscured, leaving only cutesy Easter eggs behind. Postmodernism has birthed a moralizing culture where art exists to be termed either “self-aware Good” or “self-aware Bad”.  Self-referentiality in media is so commonplace, so much the standard, that what was once credited as metatextual inventiveness often feels lazy now. In 1996, Scream was revitalizing a genre. Today, two thirds of all horror movies spend half their running time making sure that you know that they know they’re a horror movie, which is fine, I guess, except sometimes you just wanna watch someone get butchered with an axe in peace. 

This is all to say that in 2020 Taylor Swift looked long and hard upon her image in the reflecting pool of her heart and has written yet another song about Gone Girl.

“mirrorball” is a very good piece of Gone Girl —feels insane to tell anyone reading a post on a blog what Gone Girl is but, you know, the extremely popular 2012 novel about a woman who pretends to have been murdered and frames her husband for it, and subsequently the 2014 film adaption where you kinda see Ben Affleck’s dick for a second—fanfiction. It would be a fine song, a good song, really, even if it weren’t that, if it were just something normal and not unhinged written by a chill person who behaves in a regular way, but we need to acknowledge the facts for what they are. When Taylor Swift watched Rosamund Pike toss her freshly self-bobbed hair out of her face and hiss, “You think you’d be happy with some nice Midwestern girl? No way, baby. I’m it!” her brain lit up like a Christmas tree, and she’s never been the same. If you Google “taylor swift gone girl” there waiting for you will be a medium sized lake’s worth of articles speculating about how Gone Girl influenced and is referenced in past Swift singles “Blank Space” and “Look What You Made Me Do”. This is not new behavior, and if anything it’s getting a bit troubling to think that it’s been this long since Taylor’s read another book. Still, while the prior offerings were a fair attempt at this particular feat of depravity, “mirrorball” has brought Taylor’s Amy Elliott Dunne deification to stunning new heights. And most importantly, Taylor has done a service to every person alive with more than six brain cells and a Internet connection by putting an end to the “Cool Girl” discourse once and for all. By the power invested in “mirrorball”, it is hereby decreed that the Cool Girl speech from Gone Girl is neither feminist or antifeminist, not ironic nor aspirational. No. It’s something much better than all that. It’s a threat. I ! Can ! Change ! Everything ! About ! Me ! To ! Fit ! In !

Gone Girl (2012) by Gillian Flynn

“mirrorball” (2020) by Taylor Swift

When the twinkly musical stylings of Jack Antonoff, a man I distinctly distrust, but for no one specific reason, whirl to life at the beginning of this song I feel instantly entranced, blurry-brained and pleasure-pickled like an infant beneath a light-up crib mobile or, I guess, myself in the old times, the outside times, three tequila sodas deep under the disco lights at The Short Stop. Under a mirrorball in my head. I know very little about music, as a craft, and I really don’t care to know more. I’m happy in a world of pure, dumb sensation. I’m not even sure what kind of instruments are making these jangly little sounds. I just like it. I am vibing. We may not ever be able to behave badly in a club again, but I can sway to my stupid Taylor Swift-and-the-brother-of-the-lady-who-makes-like-those-sweatshirts-with-little-sayings-or-like-vulvas-which-famous-white-women-wear-on-instagram-you-know-what-I-mean song, pressing up onto my tiptoes on the linoleum tile of our kitchen floor and can feel for a second or two something approaching bliss. “mirrorball” is a lush sound bath that I like a lot and then also it’s about being all things to all people, chameleoning at a second’s notice, doing Oscar worthy work on every Zoom call, performing the you who is good, performing the you who is funny, performing the you who draws a liter of your own blood and throws it around the kitchen then cleans it up badly all to get your husband sent to jail for sleeping with a college student... Too much talk about making and unmaking of the self is way too, like, 2012 Tumblr for me now, and I start hearing the word “praxis” ring threateningly in my head, but I’m not yet so evolved that I don’t feel a pull. Musings on the disorganized self—on how we are new all the time, and not just because of all the fresh skin coming up under the dead, personhood in the end so frighteningly flexible—are always going to compel me, I’m afraid, but that goes double for musings on the disorganized self which posit that Taylor Swift still thinks Amy Dunne made some points.

Because on “mirrorball” Taylor is for once not hamfistedly addressing some “hater”, in the quiet and the lack of embarrassing martyrdom it actually offers an interesting answer to the complaint that Taylor is insufficiently self-aware. This criticism emerges often in tandem with claiming to have discovered some crack in the chassis of Swift’s public self, revealing the sweetness to be insincere. My instinct is to dismiss this more or less out of hand as just a mutation of the school of thought that presumes all work by women must be autobiography. And, regardless, it is made altogether laughable by the fact that anyone actually paying attention has known since at least Speak Now, a delightful record populated by the most appalling, horrible characters imaginable, and all of them written by a twenty year old Taylor Swift, that this woman is a pure weirdo. To accuse Taylor Swift of lacking in self-awareness is a reductive misunderstanding, I think, of artifice. Being a fake bitch takes work. Which is to say, if we agree that her public self is a calculated performance—eliding the fact that all public selves are a performance to avoid getting too in the weeds yadda yadda— why, then, should it be presumed that performance is rooted in ignorance? Would it not make more sense that, in fact, someone able to contort themselves so ably into various shapes for public consumption would have a certain understanding of the basic materials they’re working with and concealing? Taylor Swift, in a decade and a half of fame, has presented herself from inside a number of distinct packages. The gangly teenager draped in long curls like climbing wisteria who wrote lyrics down her arms in glitter paint gave way to red lipstick, a Diet Coke campaign, and bad dancing at awards shows. There was the period where she was surrounded constantly by a gaggle of models, then suddenly wasn’t anymore, and that rough interlude with the bleached hair. The whole Polaroid thing. Last year she boldly revealed she’s a democrat. Now it’s the end of the world and she’s got frizzy bangs and flannels and muted little piano songs. Perhaps this endless shape-shifting contradicts or undermines, for some, the pose of tender authenticity which has remained static through each phase, but that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been doing it all on purpose the entire time. I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try...

In the Disney+ documentary—which, in order to watch, I had to grudgingly give the vile mouse seven dollars, because the login information that I’d begged off of my little sister didn’t work and I was too embarrassed to bring it up a second time—Taylor referred to “mirrorball” as the first time on the album where she explicitly addressed the pandemic, referring to the lyrics that start, “And they called off the circus, Burned the disco down,” and end with “I’m still on that tightrope, I’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me,” which actually did made me laugh, feeling sort of warmly foolish and a little fond, because it never would have occurred to me that she was trying to be literal there. I suppose we really do all contain multitudes. Hate that.

[path-of-my-childhood]

Taylor Swift’s “Beautiful Ghosts” might be the best part of the Cats movie

Vox // By Aja Romano // November 20th 2019

“Beautiful Ghosts,” the song that Taylor Swift put words to for Tom Hooper’s upcoming Cats movie, has arrived - and guess what? Swift might be Cats creator and famed Broadway composer Andrew Lloyd Webber’s ideal lyricist.

Lloyd Webber is the man who brought the world Phantom of the Opera, Jesus Christ Superstar, Evita, and one of the most recorded songs in theatre history, “Memory” from Cats. He is notorious for writing musicals with beautiful music and weak lyrics. But “Beautiful Ghosts” makes a compelling argument that what every ALW musical needs is a shrewd lyricist who was once a teenage girl - and who, consequently, is not embarrassed to embrace the gushy romantic heart of his music. Here are five reasons “Beautiful Ghosts” is worth a second listen, or several.

1) It adds to our understanding of Victoria, the White Cat. “Beautiful Ghosts” isn’t a showy end-credits pop song; it’s a new song inserted into the plot of the show. It will follow “Memory” in the upcoming film. The cat who sings it, Victoria has a bigger role: Now, the entire story is framed through her point of view, and Victoria is a younger mirror of Grizabella.

In “Beautiful Ghosts,” Victoria echoes “Memory” and reflects on Grizabella’s tragic life, as well as her own. “Memory” keeps calling for “new life,” while through “Beautiful Ghosts,” Victoria transitions from “Memory’s” sadness to a joy that’s all her own - through the realization that she loves the life she has. Where “Memory” is fuzzy, with vague hints of former happiness, “Beautiful Ghosts” weaves a mini-narrative of Victoria’s life: cast onto the streets, apparently by cruel former owners, she distrusts other cats, but eventually befriends them and comes to love her life. With this one song, she goes from being opaque and silent to having depth, complexity, and a backstory that doesn’t involve her being a sex object.

2) It helps us understand “Memory.” Even though “Beautiful Ghosts” is sung by Victoria to Grizabella, it also gives us crucial insight into Grizabella’s life. When Victoria sings lines like, “Should I take chances when no one took chances on me?” she’s simultaneously referencing her own life and Grizabella’s: Grizabella at least knew a time when she was loved and admired, and had human companionship to look back on. Victoria has only known rejection.

Taylor Swift has clearly asked herself, “How can I bring more coherence to “Memory,” a weird-ass song about a cat who is also a sex worker who is also dying and friendless and stuck with her memories of having once been very hot?” The solution, which she provides in “Beautiful Ghosts,” is to give Grizabella slightly more of a past.

In a recent radio interview, Swift described her approach to creating the song - which involved contrasting Victoria’s life with Grizabella’s: ‘Memory’ is Grizabella singing about how she had all these beautiful, incredible moments in her past. She had these glittering occasions and she felt beautiful and she felt wanted and now she doesn’t feel that way anymore.’ This is fanfic on Swift’s part. While this glittering history can be implied, it’s not literally in the lyrics to “Memory,“ or anywhere else in Cats - the most concrete detail “Memory” offers is that Grizabella once enjoyed “days in the sun.” It’s a huge bonus to see Grizabella given a more concrete backstory that has nothing to do with her, uh, hanging out in brothels.

“Beautiful Ghosts” explains that Grizabella was “born into nothing” but now has memories of “dazzling rooms” and a time she was not just beautiful, but loved. In essence, Swift has not only crafted a satisfying character song for Victoria - she’s deepened Grizabella and “Memory” too.

3) It’s clearly a song that could be sung by a cat. This is hard! “Memory” couldn’t manage it and from the first line of “Beautiful Ghosts,” the song feels like one that could be sung by a cat - one who has wandered the streets, hearing the voices of its fellow cats in the dark. Victoria sings of the “wild ones” who “tame the fear” within her as she longs to “get let into” the rooms inhabited by the humans she once knew and yearned for love from. These are bittersweet lyrics, but more importantly, they’re lyrics that pretty clearly describe the life of a cat.

The extent to which Swift has thought about how cats feel becomes increasingly apparent when you realize that “Beautiful Ghosts” is a hymn to found family and the alley cat existence, the freedom of a life lived on the streets, and the beauty of, well, a gang of stray cats. (This may also sound like a metaphor for marginalized communities finding strength in each other after being turned out of their homes.)

4) It hints at what a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical could be like with a smart lyricist who embraces his romanticism. The typical trade-off with Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals is that his lush, lofty melodic lines take priority over lyrics. The general wisdom among musical theater fans is that ALW was only truly great when he was composing with his earliest collaborator, the brilliant lyricist Tim Rice. The ALW/Rice shows (Jesus Christ Superstar, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Evita) are fantastic - witty, satirical, and incisive, ranging from complex political themes to rollicking whimsy and charming pastiche.

ALW’s later shows’ scores were often gorgeous, full of beautiful melodies. But the plots were often too soapy, and he bounced around between lyricists who frequently paired his music with asinine words. When ALW was working with someone equally as or more talented than he was, he managed to create popular, lasting shows, including Cats and Phantom of the Opera. But ALW didn’t always work with equals who could rein him in. And so he only kept getting more extravagant in his desire to combine deeply emotional musical motifs with schmoopy, overblown storylines. In other words, post-Rice, ALW has always been hampered by his own self-indulgence and the lack of a lyricist as good at writing lyrics as ALW is at writing music.

That’s why a Taylor Swift-ALW collaboration is genuinely exciting. In the annals of ALW collaborators, Swift may be the first lyricist with the range, experience, and stature to stand alongside Rice. But more importantly, she clearly loves Cats, loves the music, and loves actual cats. In that interview quoted above, for example, she discussed Victoria’s cat psychology at length. I cannot imagine any circumstances in which Tim Rice would say, as Swift did in that interview, “I got you. I know what that cat would say.”

And that may be what so many previous ALW musicals have lacked: the enthusiasm of a smart, savvy songwriter who’s also not afraid to unironically love and embrace her subject matter. Taylor Swift isn’t just a brilliant songwriter who credits the lyrics of Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz for teaching her to write music with sharp edges and blatant emotive power. She’s also a fangirl. And fangirls know how to deliver deep, smart character studies while amplifying the emotional core of the stories they love. That combination of shrewd songwriting and passion is what propels the final verse of “Beautiful Ghosts” into something truly great.

5) “Beautiful Ghosts” has a surprise twist ending. Taylor Swift learned a lot from brilliant country songwriters, and one of the common country song traits she likes to carry forward is the “twist.” That’s when the final stanza upends the original meaning of the song and shifts the refrain into something new, surprising, and even richer. Throughout “Beautiful Ghosts,” Victoria has emphasized the fact that Grizabella still has her memories: “at least you have beautiful ghosts,” she sings, and the ghosts are the memories of Grizabella’s life of being beautiful and adored.

By contrast, Victoria herself has always lived on the streets, eventually taken in by the stray cats she eventually began to see as family. Initially, she describes the strays as voices she can only hear in the dark, while she wanders the streets, “alone and haunted.” Later, they become “phantoms of night,” as they lure her into her new exciting life. Finally, when Victoria has her epiphany that she’s happy with her friends, and she loves her alleycat life, she shifts from singing enviously to Grizabella about the “beautiful ghosts” of her memories. Instead, she sings, “So I’ll dance with these beautiful ghosts.”

The ghosts at the end of the song are the cats! Victoria’s ghosts are flesh and blood, and also have you ever met a cat, cats are clearly ghosts, with their silent paws and their eerie glow-eyes, and their ability to vanish into thin air. (Holy shit, the ghosts are the cats!) Only Taylor Swift could turn a metaphor about lost memories into a literal description of cats that is also a metaphor for found families and friendship. Don’t argue with me, this is perfect.

[the1918]

hey! as someone who isn't the strongest writer but is trying to improve, I was wondering if you could point out some things in your patd fic that could be redone? because it read fine to me and now I'm Worried lol

[Nonnie is referencing the bizarre performance blog art project I have undertaken entitled: Lynne Finds Her 2005 Bandslash Livejournal and Changes All The Names to ‘Steve’ and ‘Bucky,’ With Little to No Additional Editing.]

First, I think it is so cool that you are dedicated to improving your own writing (no matter what skill level you started out that) enough to reach out to another writer to ask how they think they have improved. That is absolutely baller of you, Nonnie. I can tell by that alone that you’re going to see yourself improving with each and every story/drabble/whatever that you write, so keep it up!

With respect to your question about that specific fic/post, I am thinking that you saw me making fun of 16-year old self (“this fic is a war crime”) and thought I was making fun of my writing skill. What I was actually making fun of was the content of the fic (which was just... obscenely bizarre and honestly slanderous of the gay male psyche, lol). But I’m going to be completely honest with you and tell you that (in my opinion, at least) I had already developed a fair bit of creative writing talent by the age of 16 when I wrote that fic. Alternatively, I may have just read so much of the existing fic in that fandom (what we called “bandslash”) that I absorbed every trick and writing trope and mixed them all together; there was nothing especially original in that fic, except for maybe the overall concept itself.

That said, as I indicated in my original post when I found my old LJ: “I knew I was confident enough in my writing when I was doing this shit in high school, but I was shocked to find that my writing style between then and now has changed zilch. Nada. Absolutely zero. I write the same as a 30 year old as I did as a 16 year old.” I do not feel like I grew much between when I was writing fic as a teenager (we won’t talk about the Harry Potter fic I wrote as a pre-teen, lol) and when I first started writing fic again more than a decade later (which was August 2019 when I wrote Compatible, if you don’t count the comparatively insignificant volume of Once Upon a Time fanfic I wrote in 2013). However, I do feel like I’ve grown a lot as a writer between when I first wrote Compatible and now; the most recent chapters of Bespoke are, in my opinion, light years better than what I was doing in the first part of that series.

So with that in mind Nonnie, if you want, I’d be happy (quite enthusiastically) to try and answer your question in a different way with a short-ish post picking apart select parts of Compatible and pointing out some areas of writing I have since improved on. I can also (only if there’s interest in this) list a few of the things I subjectively consider to be writing follies that I see authors of all skill levels fall into. I love to be self-critical for the sake of improvement and I love to share my experiences/subjective opinions if it benefits others to hear about them. I don’t want to do this unsolicited, though, so just send me an ask (Nonnie or anyone else that might be interested) if you’d like to see any of that.

Thank so much you for this ask! Happy writing 🥰

[marvinswriting]

Parties

sorry guys, we needed a bad guy.......blame bear for this one parties never end well og g/t mg (but its not canon to the ‘storyline’ and will never be referenced again lmao)

I hate parties. 

Any size parties.

Just hate em.

There's a reason I spend my Halloweens with Damian watching horror movies rather than going to events. 

The rest of my friends on the other hand love parties. 

Maybe not Aaron, but he can deal. I can't.

Yet here I stand next to a drunk as fuck Regina in the Heron's kitchen. It's not a holiday or anything. Cady just wanted to throw a banger so Cady threw a banger. 

Gretchen was around here somewhere. Aaron was in the living room and Cady was running frantically through the house multitasking taking shots and stopping drunk teenagers from wrecking her house. Damian stayed home with the common sense he's been blessed with. 

I should be with him but Regina convinced me to come. And hey, it's Cady's house. At least I know I won't be dealing with Shane Omen or anything.

"Isn't this fun?!" Regina asks gripping my arm. As always shes wasted an hour in. To be fair, so are most people here. I think Cady was already drunk when we arrived. 

"Yeah, this is tits." I say sarcastically, watching Cady do cheers with a random classmate and down whatever was in that red solo cup. 

I was tipsy too, don't get me wrong. I'm not putting myself through a highschool party totally sober, but I wasn't wasted as fuck like the girl next to me. 

"Huh, where is Gretchen?" Regina calls over the music. 

"How should I know? She's not my giant."

Regina begins texting on her phone, clearly struggling to do so coherently. 

My own phone dings and for a second I think she may have accidentally texted me but its a message from Aaron. 

"Come to the living room." I read out loud. "It's Aaron." I explain once Regina shoots me a confused glance. 

"Well, how the fuck does he expect us to get there?" Regina asks. "Can't just walk!" She's theatrically throwing her hands around and I can't help but laugh. 

Cady walks into the kitchen, leaning against the counter we're at, looking incredibly stressed. "My house is going to be in flames by the end of the night." She mumbles.

"Hey, Cady?" I ask walking over to her. "Think you can take me to Aaron?"

Cady hums in agreement, watching a group of teens push each other around a couple feet away. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you want Janis. Just- give me a moment."

She walks over to the boys and says something to them, I can't hear what they're saying but they stop roughhousing.

Cady walks back over, a stressed smile on her face. "What did you want?"

"Aaron texted me. I nee-"

"Hold that thought, Janis." Cady holds a finger out before walking away again. 

I sigh, looking back to Regina. "You hear from Gretchen? She might be our best bet."

Not that I trusted a drunk Gretchen. I also promised Damian I'd stick with Cady in hopes to minimalize the risk of being dropped. But I don't see much choice right now. 

"Nope," Regina pops the 'p', wobbling up and stepping over to me. "I like your hair today!" She grabs a strand and twirls it between her finger. "You're so pretty. You know that right?"

Regina has two levels of drunk. A bit tipsy and cliche white girl wasted. There's no in-between and it's abundantly clear where she's at right now.

"Right," Cady walks back over with a sigh. "What did you two want?"

"Oh, if it's not too much because you look kinda busy right now- could you take us to the living room? Aaron wants to talk with us-" My voice trails off as it becomes apparent that Cady isn't listening. She's glancing around the house while simultaneously taking long sips from her red solo cup. "Cady."

"What?" She glances down at us. "Oh, sorry. You were sayi-"

"Cady Heron!" A voice calls from the crowd. 

I groan in frustration as Cady walks away without even saying bye to us. 

Yes, I know its Cady's house party and she needs to watch out for her property, but Jesus is it so hard to pay attention to your friends?

"Still no Gretchen," Regina says. "I tried calling twice."

Cady walks back over with a grin. "Sorry. Sorry." Her phone dings and she pulls it out. "What did you need, Janis."

"For you to pay attention," I say, not bothering to hide the mild annoyance in my voice.

"Yeah, I get it. The same thing happened to me," Cady replies dully before gasping. "Who's posting my parent's bedroom on their private story! Upstairs is off-limits!" She runs back into the crowd.

I groan pulling out my phone to tell Aaron we may be a while.

"She's not paying attention." Regina points out.

"No, really."

It's not long before Cady is once again, making her way back to us. "False alarm." She chuckles. "Now. What did you two need again?"

"Can you take us to A-"

"Put that down! If that breaks you're getting billed!" Cady interrupts me, yelling at some people in the next room.

"Cady!" I yell, throwing my hands out in exasperation. "Pay attention, god damn it!"

"Jesus, Janis. Needy much?" Cady teases. 

"Yeah! I am! I'm fucking small and would like assistance but you keep running off!"

"Yeah!" Regina cheers from behind me. "What's going on?"

Cady scowls. "You try throwing a fucking party, Janis. I have better things to do right now."

"Better things to do than care about the well being of your friends?" 

I know Cady is drunk and probably isn't explaining her emotions the best right now. That or she's being one hundred percent honest because that's what happens when you're wasted. Just look at Regina.

"Yeah, Janis! Believe it or not, my world doesn't revolve around you."

"Actually, Damian put you in charge of Janis. To ignore her would be destroying his trust." Regina says, leaning onto me for support.

Cady shrugs. "And if my house gets wrecked I'm destroying my parent's trust."

"Listen, Cady! This doesn't need to be a fight! I just need help getting to A-"

"Janis I can't put all my attention on you all the time! It's not my fault you're in love with me or som-" Cady cuts herself off.

I already got the gist of it.

Regina gasps from somewhere behind me as I freeze.

"Janis-" Cady reaches forward but I step back. 

"No."

"Janis I'm so sorry I-"

"Don't touch me." I push her hand away and Cady lets it fall to her side. 

"I didn't mean it."

I think back to my 'people are more honest when they're drunk' thought. How come Cady only said these things when wasted? It clearly meant she believed those words to an extent. 

"Janis please-" Cady raises her hand again.

"I said, don't touch me!" 

There are tears in my eyes at this point. Arms wrap around me as Regina hugs me from behind. 

"I want to leave." I whisper. 

Regina nods into my shoulder. "I'll try calling Gretchen again."

I look up at Cady, whos standing there frozen, regret all over her face. "Janis," Her voice is barely audible over the party. 

"Save it." I snap. I'm not going to let the tears fall. Not again. Not over her. I cried over Regina and I said I wouldn't cry over Cady. But I did.

I sure as hell won't do it again.

"Oh thank god you picked up, Gretchen." Regina lets go of me to step away and talk on the phone. 

Gretchen, Regina, and I were all supposed to stay at Cady's for a sleepover. We would help her clean up the house and deal with hangovers together in the morning. But the last thing I want to do right now is stick around Cady. 

Having your sexuality thrown at you as an insult has a strangely sobering effect. Guess you can learn new things even in the worst of times. 

I'm pushing back the need to cry to the point where I'm feeling sick. I mean, puking my guts out would really just be a great way to end the night, huh? Anything other than cry over this. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me three times, twice with the same girl? Guess that's on me for being a dumbass. 

Gretchen walks into the room. "Hey," She says tentatively. "I'm just here for Regina and Janis."

Cady steps to the side silently. 

Gretchen holds her hand out, waiting for Regina and I to climb on. I'm not thrilled with the idea of a drunk Gretchen carrying me, but at least she won't turn my sexuality into an insult. 

Gretchen pulls us to her chest and turns to Cady. "I don't fully know what went on, but Regina and I probably aren't going to stay the night. If you need help cleaning up tomorrow I'll swing by but I think everyone has had a bit too much tonight and we all need to take a step back." 

Since when was Gretchen the reasonable thinker?

Cady nods, looking everywhere but me.

Regina's arms are back, pulling me into her for a hug. I don't fight it, I'm too occupied trying to keep tears at bay. I text Aaron saying we were leaving and the check up on Cady. Just like last time, even though she went for the lowest blow she could, I still care about her. 

Maybe that's why I keep getting hurt.

Gretchen steps outside. "I'm obviously not driving."

"Yeah," I whisper. There's instantly one person in my mind I know I can call.

But-

I don't want to worry him over something like this. It's my fault I keep getting into these situations. It's on me. It's late, I don't want to have to wake him up.

But he wouldn't want Gretchen to drive, I know that much.

As if she can sense my inner turmoil, Regina's hand runs up and down my arm. "You wouldn't be annoying him, you know."

My phone rings, making both of us jump. Gretchen laughs at the sudden movement in her hand.

It's Damian.

"Wow, you guys really do have soulmate intuition." Regina giggles. 

I elbow her and pick up the phone, trying to sound as normal as possible. "Damian, what's up?"

"I just got off the phone with Cady."

Why did he call Cady? What?

As if he knew my questions, Damian continues. "She called me because she said so,e things and wanted me to make sure you were okay. Do you, Regina, and Gretchen need a ride?"

"You don't need to, it's late you probably want to go to bed and-"

"Janis. I didn't ask what you think I wanted to do. I'm asking if you have somebody sober coming to pick you up?"

There's a long pause. "No." I say quietly.

"I'm on my way." Damian doesn't sound mad or annoyed that he has to come, much to my relief.

I nod, forgetting her can't see me, and lower the phone from my ear.

"Damian's coming." I say to Gretchen as the line clicks dead.

There's a lot of questions in my head. Why did Cady say those things to me at the party, again? Why did Cady call Damian? Why does it hurt more each time? All of my questions go largely unanswered. 

Gretchen sits on Cady's front steps. 

We can still hear the party going on inside, people cheering and music blasting. I feel bad for dragging Regina and Gretchen away from the party. I know it's their scene.

"I thought I was gonna be sick in there," Gretchen admits. "Kinda glad for an excuse to get fresh air. Just wish the excuse wasn't because of-" She glances back inside. 

"Yeah." I say slowly.

Regina has since let go of me and the cold winter air is a lot more apparent. Why throw a party in the winter? A high school party is just an excuse to wear skimpy dresses and minimal clothing. Why not do it in the summer or something. 

I look down at my own dress. Regina insisted I wear one but she couldn't get rid of my fishnets and jacket. You couldn't really tell it was a form-fitting black dress due to my baggy jacket yet I still felt uncomfortable. I tugged at the bottom in a vain attempt to make the dress longer. 

"I hate parties."

Regina giggles from next to me in her pink rubber dress. I don't understand how she could walk around like that. Her dress was even shorter than mine. 

Regina and Gretchen chat while we wait for Damian. I don't contribute to the conversation, I barely even listen. I'm too lost in my thoughts, trying to figure out why Cady would do this to me. 

Again.

It isn't until a familiar car pulls up that I properly tune into the real world. Damian doesn't even wait for Gretchen to walk over, he's already out of his car and making his was over. I cringe at the worried look on his face, knowing it's my fault. He's wearing his denim jacket and its wrapped tightly around him in an attempt to fight the cold air.

"Hey." He says softly. "Mind if it?" He motions to me but directs the question to Gretchen. Gretchen holds out her hand and Damian lifts me up, mindful of Regina.

"I assume you're taking Regina back to your place?" Damian asks Gretchen.

"I think so."

"Let me text my mom to let her know, but yeah." Regina says, pulling out her phone. 

Damian nods, holding me close to his chest and walking to his car. "Janis, do you want to go home or-"

"Can I stay with you?" I ask tentatively. Cady was annoyed with me for asking too much, was everyone else too? I knew I wasn't overstepping boundaries to ask to stay with Damian, but deep down I felt like I was.

"Of course." Damian says warmly. Both him and Gretchen step in the car. It's warmer in here because of the heater. Damian slips me wordlessly into his jacket pocket where I sink down, not even bothering to join in this conversation. Damian taps the pocket before starting the car. He and Grethen talk in hushed voices and I can occasionally make out Regina saying a word or two. 

I think Regina is telling them about what happened but I don't contribute.

"You could see it on her face as soon as she said it that she regretted it."

"Then why did she say it?" Gretchen whispered.

"When she called me," They were all whispering, but Damian's voice was obviously clearer. "She told me about how much she wished she could take it back. I told her that yeah, the first time was fucked up, but Janis still accepted her apology. And that was a big step for Jan. The more she says it, the harder and harder the apology will be to accept."

"Mhmm."

They talk more, but the conversations are about little thing so I don't pay attention much. The car stops and I poke my head out of the pocket to say bye to Regina and Gretchen. They both wave and Damian watches to make sure they get inside before pulling off.

"So," He says. "Talk to me, Jan. I know you don't like to, but please do it for me."

I sink back into the pocket slightly, leaning my head over the lip of the pocket. 

"I feel shitty."

Damian hums knowingly. He waits for me to say more but doesn't push it. Just, a quiet opportunity to add more if I wanted to.

I didn't.

"When I got the call-" Damian sighed, turning onto his road, his voice filling up the silence in the car. I didn't mind, sinking into the pocket but still paying attention. "I didn't know how to feel. I thought it showed a level of matuirty that Cady wanted me to check up on you, but I think an even bigger sign of maturity should be to not do it in the first place. But- it's not about what I think. It's about if you're okay. Which you don't have to be right now, but you can talk to me. You know that."

"Yeah, I do." 

Damian pulls into his driveway and turns off the car. "I love you, Janis." He says, unbuckling himself. "I don't know why this keeps happening to you but no matter what happens I'll be there."

Damian scoops me out of his pocket as he closes the car door behind him. He brings his hand up to his shoulder and I take the hint climbing on. 

We make our way through the Hubbard household and into his room. Damian must be able to tell that I don't want to talk right now, because he talks about a bunch of random things from today's sunset to his new favorite broadway show. I don't contribute to the conversation and he doesn't expect me too. It's just nice to hear his voice and to concentrate on that, instead of the thoughts in my head.

Damian pulls out a small box that I recognize and gently brings me to his desk. He places the box on the table and lets me open it. 

"I'm sure you don't want to go to bed in your party outfit."

It's a small box of all clothes I have left at the Hubbard in the past either intentional or by accident. I pull out a pair of sweatpants and an old band t-shirt, the album cover long faded. 

"I'll be in the bathroom getting ready for bed, holler if you need me." Damian smiles before ducking out of the room.

Even when I hit my lows, my relationship with Damian doesn't change.

Yeah, I wasn't feeling very talkative tonight, can you blame me? Yet Damian didn't mind. He filled the quiet void himself. I smiled to myself as I began changing. Damian was always there when I needed him and he always knew what I needed in order to help. 

I don't deserve him. 

Did he ever get annoyed? Cady clearly did. I mean, I ask Damian for help a lot more often than I ask Cady. I bet it got irritating. He was probably about to get ready for bed before Cady called. And then he had to get up and leave the house because of me.

I'd be a little annoyed. I don't blame him.

God and now I'm making it worse by being here for the night. 

I should have just gone home and dealt with my thoughts like a normal person. Me being here and me being such a mess isn't fair on Damian.

He deserves better.

There's a knock at the door as I finish slipping on my shirt. "I'm done!" I call, making sure my voice travels.

Damian steps into the room and the knot in my stomach tightens because I don't deserve him. And he deserves better. 

I haven't cried about Cady yet. And I won't. I can't. Not again. Besides, it will worry Damian more and that's the last thing I want right now. 

Damian crosses the room, sitting down at his desk. 

"Hey." He says softly.

"Hi." 

Damian's hand comes up to cup around me gently and I allow myself to lean back into the warmth.

"Tell me what's going on in that head of yours, Jan." He prompts gently.

"I feel stupid," I say. "Like maybe I should have seen this coming. Regina changed, why didn't Cady? Why is it that every time she's drunk that's the lowest blow she can think of. It's not even the words that hurt anymore, its the fact that Cady said it. Literally anybody else at that party could have said it and I'd be fine. But Cady said it. And it hurts."

I cut myself off when I feel the tears sting at my eyes again. 

I already feel guilty about asking for help all the time. I already feel like a nuisance- being tiny and all. I didn't need Cady to solidify the thought that I was just an inconvenience to everyone.

"All I did was ask for help." I whisper, looking down.

It's quiet for a while. The silence almost feels too loud. 

"Jan," I look up at Damian who also looks like he is about to cry. "Asking for help is never a bad thing. Ever."

"But, she-"

"No. Janis." Damian's voice is soft but stern. "We don't know what was going through Cady's head but that doesn't make what she said okay. Please promise me you'll ask for help when you need it. Even if you never ask anyone but me, promise me you won't try and do things on your own when you know people are willing to help."

I take a shuddered breath, still trying to hold the tears in. "Okay."

Damian smiles but laced with worry. "C'mere."

His fingers close gently around me as he draws me in. I grip onto his t-shirt, letting myself fall against his chest. "You're so strong, you know that, right?" 

"I'm no-"

"I don't know anyone as brave as you." Damian continues without letting me deny anything. "To go through this so many times and still put a smile on your face? I'm so proud of you."

Damian gets up and walks over to his bed, placing me down on the pillow before walking around his room, turning off all lights.

I can ignore everyone's calls and texts for now, but school is going to be a bitch on Monday. Facing Cady is going to be a bitch on Monday. 

A hand scoops me up at Damian lays down, placing me on his chest. His hand rests over me and I can't help but smile.

Yeah, Cady may see me and nothing more than a liability. Just another annoying thing to watch over, but Damian doesn't. Damian has proved time and time again that he cares and will continue to care.

Yeah, Cady's words hurt. A lot. But she didn't speak for every giant I know. 

"Night, Janis," Damian says softly. "Love you."

"I love you too."

Cady had a lot of explaining to do come Monday. And even then, I'm in no rush to accept her apology. Because no matter what happens, I have Damian. 

I always have.

And I always will. 

lmao i told bear i wanted to write giant damian and tiny janis and im fully aware i could have just written like 500 words of fluff but like- this is so much more fun @realmisspolarbear @musicallygt @sourishlemons @smallsoysauce

[always-and-forever-a-killjoy]

Good afternoon uhhhh I have no idea what to say about this except that I wrote it and it exists and that probably does say something about me as a person. Also you may want to read my last fic (knight in a beat-up green jacket) because it gets referenced a couple of times but it’s definitely not necessary.

Title: can you catch me when I'm falling down

Wordcount: 2450

Summary: Party Poison is trying to have a calm day for once. Unfortunately, Cherri Cola needs help.

For once, Poison is actually helpful.

Warnings: blood, self harm, mentions of suicide, mentions of death/child death. Please be very careful. 

Taglist: @wishiwasthemoon-tonight @sleevesareforlosers @stressed-depressed-emo-mess @tasteofamnesia @dagger-queen (message me, send an ask, or reblog/reply to one of my posts if you want to be added or removed)

AO3 Link

(Actual fic under the cut)

Party Poison was alone when the radio crackled to life. It was an ordinary afternoon in the Zones, Kobra Kid was out on his motorbike somewhere, Jet Star was playing with the Girl, getting ready for her nap, and Fun Ghoul was….exploding things, they assumed. Given the loud bangs from out back, it seemed likely. Poison themself was just trying to read a magazine in peace, feet propped up on one of the diner tables, but that was not to be. 

They sighed and reached for the radio. “Hello?”

“Hey,” Cherri Cola’s voice crackled through. He sounded tense, which put them on edge. 

“What’s up, Pepsi?”

“Uh, well, you know how that one time, Ghoul said I was like a knight in shining armor? Right, well, I could kind of use a knight in shining armor right now.”

Poison could see that it definitely wasn’t going to be a peaceful afternoon for them. “What the fuck did you get yourself into?”

“Nothing- nothing in particular. I would just really not prefer to be alone at the radio station today, and everyone else is off doing varying things.” His voice had grown even more strained, sounding close to breaking.

“Fuck’s sake, Pepsi.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Trust me, if I could have asked anyone else for help, I wouldn’t have put this on a teenager’s shoulders.”

“Fuck off, I’m perfectly competent.” They sighed. “I’ll be there in twenty.”

“Thank you, Poison.” 

Poison swung their feet off the table, pulling their boots and jacket on at the door. “Jet, I’m heading down to the radio station!”

“Okay!” Jet Star called back from the back of the diner. “What for?”

“Cola needs something!”

“Okay! Be safe!”

“I will!” They kicked open the door, shutting it behind them as another explosion sounded from behind the building and Jet shouted something about ‘you woke the Girl up, I just got her to sleep!’. They really had to talk to Ghoul about setting off bombs during naptime. Making a note to do that when they got back, Party climbed into the Trans Am and turned the keys. 

“Alright, let’s go see what the fuck he needs, huh, old girl?” The car obediently revved to life, and Poison took them down the roads at frankly irresponsible speed. Not that they had ever given a fuck about being responsible in the first place, not unless it came to their crew’s safety. 

Party Poison arrived at the radio shack and kicked the door open with exactly as much grace as they had when kicking the diner door open. “Alright, Pepsi, I’m here!”

“Hey, Poison.” The reply was quiet, and they had to look around further before they located Cherri Cola, sitting on the floor against the sofa. A knife was clutched in his right hand, and they thought they could see blood on his arms, dripping down onto the already stained floor.

“What the fuck? Destroya, Cola!” 

Cherri’s eyes were shut tight. “I’m sorry. Please take the knife before I end up doing something stupid.”

“Stupider than this?”

“Stupider as in cutting my fucking throat, Poison.”

“Fuck.” They hurried across the room to wrestle the knife out of his hand, wishing they had made Jet come with them. Jet was actually good at this kind of thing. Thank the Witch, Cherri let go of the knife fairly easily- Poison was pretty sure he would have been able to keep a hold of it if he really tried. They folded the blade away and quickly tucked it into their jacket pocket, wondering if they should bother to check him for other weapons. “Do you have any more knives?”

Cola shook his head, and Poison settled next to him.

“Okay, so why do you want to slit your fucking throat?”

He shrugged.

“I don’t know what that means.”

Cherri mumbled something they strained to catch.

“What?”

“Just happens sometimes,” he repeated, a little louder.

“Just wake up and want to die?” The feeling was strangely (and sadly) familiar.

“Yeah. I’ve seen a lot of shit, Pois. Killed a lot of people. I know I act like I’m well-adjusted, but I’ve never been well-adjusted.”

They bristled a little at the nickname, but now wasn’t exactly the time to say anything about it. “We’ve all killed a lot of people, Cola.”

He shrugged a second time. “I guess it gets to me more than you guys.”

Silence settled over the two killjoys for a few moments before Cherri broke it again.

“I knew an exterminator, you know.”

“What?”

“Before the war. She was good at origami, and she liked soda, but only if it was cherry flavored, and chewed bubblegum whenever possible. She had a ring she never took off, our grandma gave it to her. Her eyes were clear blue like the sky.”

“So you knew an exterminator.”

“And I killed her.” Cherri’s voice was very straightforward. “I killed her, not because I wanted to, but because we were on opposite sides and I had no choice.”

“Fuck,” They swore. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah. It’s a truth I learned pretty young: people die in war. Not for any reason, not because they’re bad people or because they deserved to die. Simply because they were there. Because they were forced into fighting, because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, because they were trying to make the world a better place. People die because they’re trying to save their friends or their love. Because they want to make the world better for their children. And those children die too, because they’re children in the wrong place at the wrong time. Because they can’t defend themselves.” His voice was shaking, nails digging into his arms. 

Poison swore under their breath and pulled his hands away to reveal another set of crescent marks, adding to the many already there. “Fuck’s sake. Maybe we shouldn’t talk about this.”

“I’m open to other suggestions,” Cherri muttered.

They almost snorted. “Well, Cola, pleased to announce you’re going to be just fine, seeing as you’re being a snarky bastard again.”

That got a tiny laugh out of him. “Am I ever not a snarky bastard, in your opinion?”

“When-“ Poison hesitated briefly. “When shit really hits the fan, you’re not. So when you’re being snarky, I know shit’s going to be fine.”

“I wouldn’t use me as an indicator.”

“Eh, you’re a decent one. Canary in a coal mine and all that. I think canaries are a brighter yellow than you, though. Probably better fashion sense, too.” They hardly knew what they were saying, only that they had to find something to talk about.

Cherri gave them a glare for their trouble, if not a very harsh one. “Now you’re the one being a snarky bastard.”

“Uh-huh, but where’s the fun in not being one? Plus, my brilliant plan worked.” Party shot him a small smile. “I’ve distracted you.”

Cherri looked exhausted as he leaned back a bit further, running his hands along his bloody arms, but he was giving them a tired smile. “Sure did.”

“See, I’m a genius.” They climbed to their feet and offered him a hand up, trying to think of what Jet would say. “Let’s get you cleaned up, hey?”

“’kay.”

His hands were bloody and rough, the blood sticking to Poison’s own hands as they pulled him to his feet, but they didn’t say anything about it. Instead, they led him over to the sink of the radio station so they could pour some precious water over his arms, sluicing them clean. They cleaned out the deeper scratches with some sort of foul-smelling disinfectant from the radio shack’s first aid kit and bandaged them up, chattering the entire time.

It was meaningless stuff, rambles about Ghoul blowing shit up during naptime and Kobra’s latest antics on the racetrack, but it was a way to fill the silence, which seemed almost crushing. So Poison unleashed all of it, every update about the Girl and her lessons (“-and Jet has her painting beads!”), every random story they hadn’t told him (“-so that was how we almost ended up with no car and a bucket filled with slime-“) and a few they had (“-then Kobra, dumbass that he is, says ‘it will be fine if I touch these wires!’”).

All their efforts were rewarded by another small, fragile smile from Cola, just barely reaching his sea-blue eyes. It was tiny, but it was real, and Poison had never been so grateful for the endless amount of stupid shit their friends got up to. 

They stuck on a final band-aid and closed the kit, glancing over at him as they tucked it away. “So I’m assuming it wouldn’t be cool of me to just abandon you.”

“Not really, no.”

Poison tried to pretend the shakiness of his voice didn’t affect them at all. “So do you want me to stay here until the rest get back? Or should I bring you on over to the diner so the chaos crew can dogpile you into a good afternoon?”

“You’re part of the chaos crew, I hope you know that.” Cherri fiddled with some of the bandages and Poison pulled his hand away. “D’s at his safehouse in Zone 2, he was worried about Better Living tracing the signal back here. Pony went with him, Newsie’s out somewhere and I don’t know if she’s coming back tonight or tomorrow.” 

“Alright, lets go back to the diner, then. You can stay a night, you’re not that insufferable.” They tried to sound like they really didn’t care. “Kobes will be happy about it, at least.”

“Thank you, Party.”

“Of course, Pepsi.”

It felt weird to be in a car with Cola and be the one driving- most often when they were stuck together, Cola was giving them a ride or they were on a run together using Cola’s truck. But now, Poison was sitting in their usual spot in the Trans Am, and Cherri had climbed into shotgun. Mad Gear was what was blaring from their speakers as they blazed across the desert, knowing Cherri could handle whatever speed they drove. Indeed, he seemed unbothered, staring quietly out the window. Poison mostly ignored him, glancing over occasionally to see if he was okay.

When they pulled up to the diner, it appeared that Ghoul was still testing out explosives (or possibly fireworks), given the bangs from behind. Cherri flinched at each one, and Poison stuck their head around the back. 

“Ghoul! Asshole! Stop it!”

“Why?”

“The Girl’s trying to sleep!”

“Ah fuck, sorry, Pois.” Xe pushed xyr hair out of his face as xe came around the side of the diner. “Oh hey, Cola!”

“Hey, Ghoul.” 

Poison shot Ghoul a warning glare as he opened his mouth again, and xe quickly shut it. “Cola’s going to be staying with us this afternoon, maybe tonight too.”

“Alright. Any particular reason?” 

They almost groaned. Ghoul somehow always had awful timing. “Uh. You know. He gets lonely when everyone abandons him at the radio station.” It was a terrible lie, but Cherri shot them a grateful smile that almost made Ghoul’s skeptical look worth it. 

Thank the Witch, xe was smart enough not to question further. “Okay. Guess we’re heading in, then, if I can’t explode shit?”

Poison nodded to them and led the others inside, looking around. It appeared Kobra had arrived back while they were gone, given that he was lounging in Poison’s usual seat, reading the magazine they had set down. Poison spared a moment to flip him off before peeking into the back to find Jet. They were sitting in his and Poison’s bedroom, humming gently under their breath as the Girl snoozed next to them.

“Hey, Jet.”

Jet looked up, putting a finger to their lips in a shh as they spoke very quietly. “Hey, Pois. Back from the radio station?”

“Yeah.”

“What did Cola need?”

“Long story.” They glanced back at the door to make sure that the rest of the Four (plus Cherri) were still in the main room of the diner before deciding how much to reveal to Jet. “He needed me to make sure he didn’t do anything dumb.”

That was all they needed to say for the other to understand. “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine, but he has to stay with us today.”

“For the same reason?”

“Wasn’t a smart idea to leave him back at the station alone.”

Jet nodded. “Did you leave him with Kobra and Ghoul?”

“Fuck, I did. I’m…sure he kept them from getting in trouble.”

Jet and Poison wandered back out to find Kobra laying across the table, calling commentary across the room as Ghoul attempted to get some of the power pup off one of the highest shelves and Cherri watched with great concern. 

“This is why we can’t leave you alone,” Jet sighed. “Hi, Cherri.”

“Hey, Jet. Uh, Ghoul decided xe should make dinner, I guess.”

“It’s almost dinnertime anyways! I’m making fancy shit!”

Jet rolled their eyes, but they were smiling as Poison turned to Kobra. “And what are you doing, fuckface?”

“Talking to Cola, bastard.”

“We’re siblings, you idiot, if I’m a bastard then so are you.”

Kobra flipped them off most eloquently, and Poison just laughed as they turned to Cola. “These idiots driving you crazy?”

“No, I love them.”

“Bad taste.” They laughed at Ghoul’s face. “I’m kidding, you’re the best crew. Now everyone shut up, I have to show Cola my rendition of Toxic.”

“The Girl is napping!”

Cherri laughed quietly. “Thank you, kids.”

“Sure thing!”

“We’re not kids!”

“Of course, we love you.”

“Yeah, love you, Pepsi!”

Cherri Cola stayed with them once again, this time in the graffiti-covered diner. He ate dinner with them, and the Girl sat in his lap quite happily. Ghoul and Party cracked stupid jokes back and forth until his smile wasn’t quite so fragile, trading stories about dumb shit they’d done even though half of those stories involved each other. Jet gave him a big hug, and Kobra sat down to talk with him after dinner, until finally everyone was settling down for the night. Ghoul half-jokingly suggested he sleep in one of the booths, and Cherri laughed and said he was a little old for that but ended up curled in the old chair they had salvaged a few months back anyways. Poison made sure he was safely asleep before they went to bed themself, and they were there from the moment he radioed to the moment they dropped him back off at the radio shack to a yawning Newsie who had driven through the night to get back home. 

[dirtyfilthy]

The Betrayal Of Chelsea Manning By The Coward Adrian Lamo

I have only participated in “cancel culture” once that I can remember. Once, over the broad course of my life, and that was when Adrian Lamo sold Chelsea Manning out to the authorities. Motherfucker has the  sheer gall to call himself a hacker, and then rats someone out — not because of his principles, but from a constant desire for pure narcissistic supply -- and all this from a position of trust no less… 

I was real angry, and I wanted to put the boot in, any way I could. There was a special circle of hell reserved for people like Adrian Lamo… and as it would turn out, he was already in it. 

Amongst petty vendettas like stuffing his wikipedia page with all the well referenced dirt I could dig up, along the way, and kind of by-the-by, I ended up doing a lot of research on the guy, and then, well, the picture of Lamo that emerged… 

Jesus. 

He’s been a hardcore benzo addict since his twenties. If you know what to look for you can tell in some of his interviews, slurring his words and looking very spacey.  He never really had a real job, never broke into the industry he was aways on the fringes of. It’s kinda crazy, if you search for “homeless hacker Adrian Lamo” you can still see what the mass media thought of him before he turned in Chelsea. 

He’d kind of weaselled his way into popular consciousness by being a shameless self-promoter, and then managing to get caught in that spectacular “rebellious teenage hacker” vs. “huge faceless corporation” way that tends to capture people’s imagination. 

There were whole articles about him in Wired. Multiple in fact. Here’s one of earliest from 2004 (unfortunately now behind a paywall), “New York Times vs The Homeless Hacker”. The first few lines can still give you the gist, however

A self-styled security expert and serial self-promoter, Adrian Lamo made headlines as a grayhat hacker. Then the Gray Lady came down on his head. Not long ago Adrian Lamo was exploring an abandoned gypsum processing plant in West Philadelphia with two friends, when a police cruiser drove slowly by. Lamo’s friends were high on methamphetamines…

https://www.wired.com/2004/04/hacker-5/

Even during this phase of his life, a lot of people in the scene didn’t like him. At least, there were people complaining on hacker boards about him stealing exploits and then burning them for the publicity.  In the end he got off with probation and home detention, and that was the end of blatantly hacking into shit. Any more and he would certainly end up in prison. Attitudes were changing, the authorities had stopped seeing hacking as just high-spirited teenage hijinks. and the increasingly severe penalties could land you some serious time. 

After this, he just sorted floated around. He never got job in the industry like the rest of us, and I suspect he may have been  basically unemployable for one reason or another. The next time he popped up in my news feed was in 2010 with a strange article from ex-hacker turned journalist and friend of Lamo’s,, Kevin Poulsen — “Ex-Hacker Adrian Lamo Institutionalized, Diagnosed with Asperger’s” 

The first paragraph or so reads:

Last month Adrian Lamo, a man once hunted by the FBI, did something contrary to his nature. He says he picked up a payphone outside a Northern California supermarket and called the cops.

Someone, Lamo says, had grabbed his backpack containing the prescription anti-depressants he'd been on since 2004, the year he pleaded guilty to hacking The New York Times. He wanted his medication back. But when the police arrived at the Safeway parking lot it was Lamo, not the missing backpack, that interested them. Something about his halting, monotone speech, perhaps slowed by his medication, got the officers' attention

— (https://www.wired.com/2010/05/lamo/)

The article claimed Lamo had been arrested for acting strangely and then institutionalised, basically claiming the police had arrested him because he was autistic. At the time, I didn’t really give this a second thought, “oh well, ho-hum”. As itt turned out, this was a case of the most spectacular kind of “spin” I think I’ve ever seen; the only place the article actually intersected with general consensual reality was in stating Lamo had been arrested and placed on psychiatric hold.

The real story, which is entirely far more pathetic, was that Lamo’s family had become worried about his benzo use (“prescription anti-depressants”) and had cut him off. He totally lost the plot at this point and stormed out of house. Concerned about his mental state, and with fears for his physical safety, it was actually  his own family that called the police to try and find him. 

When confronted about this fairly massive discrepancy, Lamo claimed he hadn’t exactly “lied” as such, and had simply withheld some facts due to personal privacy concerns. 

It was at this point I finally began to see the whole tattered trajectory of Lamo’s entire life — trace the greasy path of his rainbow with my fingertips, and watch as the once bright twine became  increasing gray and frayed as each thread began to curve back towards it’s inevitable impact with the earth, when, at which point, everything important would begin to totally unravel around him.

At his core, Adrian Lamo was a narcissist, and so Adrian Lamo absolutely believed in the Adrian Lamo narrative, as only a narcissist can. Near of beginning of his tale, this was easy to do. He was a wandering Daoist sage, a renegade techno-monk character in a Neal Stephenson cyberpunk novella, and anytime he wanted to see his own reflection he could simply look in any of the major newspapers.  

After his arrest and release, the rest of the world moved on. His peers all settled down to well-paid industry gigs, and you couldn’t just pop the New York Times through an open proxy any longer — well, at least: not most of time, anyway. His own sword, never the exactly the sharpest in the first place, was beginning to show some signs of a serious structural rust. 

Without the constant assurance of people telling his own story back at him, what was he exactly? What did the mirror portray to him now?  An unemployed, semi-homeless drug addict, a hacker who couldn’t hack his way out of wet paper back with pick axe, the tired punch line to any number of bad jokes...   

Of course, the many similarities to my own life were not exactly lost on me. I was basically a case of being a few near misses and unlucky hits away from sitting in his exact position. I had made the transition to an industry career successfully, but I was still a drug addict with mental heath issues.  I had gone through my own narcissistic stage when I was younger, but thankfully grew out of it, the old moons no longer pulled on my tides the way they used to. 

The essential Lamo pattern had began to emerge. Still chasing the same bright stars that had long since sunk beneath the horizon line of the ocean; Lamo would begin to feel irrelevant —  Lamo would get then his name in the media in some fashion. A momentary peace was then achieved, then came a brief period of post-orgasmic. cosmic serenity. 

But of course, the wheel of karma will not stop spinning for anyone, and so, soon enough and all-to-quickly, the entire process of personal renewal, would have to, you know…..  begin anew.

A few other case studies were observed. An unreleased, permanently unfinished documentary featuring Lamo was mysteriously leaked on the internet. Of course, Lamo himself had leaked it. And there was always appearing on various morning television shows, Good Morning America, Fox News & the like.

But then the mother of all opportunities just dropped into his lap.

Chelsea Manning needed someone to talk to. 

Chelsea knew Lamo was Bi, so he was at least in the LGBT community. Adrian was a hacker too. He’d fought against the system in his day, he was certainly someone who would “get it”, she was very sure of this.  And when she did reach out, he was indeed very sympathetic. Honestly, it seemed like he really cared. Just a genuine human being, reaching out across the vast emotional void to provide a sense of empathy to someone who really, really needed it right now.. 

He was very sympathetic when Chelsea told him all about her struggles with gender identity, and he was very sympathetic when she said she was leaking gigabytes of information to Wikileaks…. But behind his sunglasses, Lamo eyes had already morphed into a marquee LED matrix endlessly scrolling his own name. Think of the news coverage!

This was big. This was very big.

It would, in fact, turn out to be fucking huge. Of course, within in the hacker scene, and to a certain extent, even outside it, everyone just fucking loathed him now.  Eventually even the news moved on, nobody wanted any more interviews, and in the end, when everything has already been all said and done: you are ultimately left with only yourself….

… a pathetic drug addict.  Of course, I have to keep telling myself that one point of intersection does not an entire venn diagram or an actual equality make. But I can’t shake the feeling that, perhaps, maybe we weren’t really all that different.  Maybe my own betrayals have had the simple luck of being a lot less public. 

Perhaps my own sins were just as ugly, but far less ambitious. 

Adrian Lamo died alone, from a drug overdose, in a private unit in an aged care facility in Wichita, Kansas.  He was 37 years old. An autopsy showed his kidneys were already failing. 

I guess Sartre got it wrong. Hell isn’t other people, it’s being left totally alone, with nothing else around but the tedious company of your own terrible self, and of course, the fucker won’t stop talking...

So obviously there was nothing more I could do to hurt Adrian Lamo, nothing that Adrian Lamo hadn’t done already. He had long since locked himself away in a prison cell of his own making. I do wonder if maybe one too many silent 3am’s hadn’t come crawling around the clock face when he was there & awake to witness it, lying in bed & staring at the ceiling and trying not to think about things.

Like I’m doing.

Shit, I hope don’t go out that way. 

[thewhumperinwhite]

FBI AU: Father

Previous: Rescue / Interrogation / Awkward / Painkillers

This brings us up to speed with what I’ve already written for FBI AU, which means I’ll have to establish an Actual Posting Schedule where I post my stories more evenly again lmao

@whumpitywhumpwhump

TW for: implied/referenced child abuse; referenced noncon; Cops,; drugs/coming down off drugs/refusing pain meds;Rona in general, who is I maintain is Basically Good but whose brain is still uh.... a terrifying nature documentary; also Art in general which means references to suicidal ideation and just...…. generally discounting his own trauma.

Continues directly from Painkillers but if you don’t wanna reread: Art tells Simon not to let his dad into his hospital room and says “he killed my brother”; Simon passes this information on to Rona, along with the file on Art’s brother’s “accidental death;” she’s a bit skeptical.

Rona does, though this is information that doesn’t ever need to make its way to Simon’s ears, read the file. It’s suspicious, she guesses, but not as open and shut as Simon seems to think. It sounds like the senator and the kid were alone in the house; any court case would be about proving intent, which is a messy business she has absolutely no interest in bothering with. It might be possible--maybe--to prove Heinrich Senior pushed his kid down the stairs; even given that there’s absolutely no way to prove he did it with the intention of killing him. You could maybe offer a history of serious physical abuse as evidence, but the actual victim of the abuse is too dead to testify about it. 

No, obviously what convinced Simon was the way the kid said it, and Rona--gets that. Simon’s shot a few cult leaders, and threatened a few more into surrendering, but he’s never carried a bleeding teenager out of a building before. That gets in your head, gets your, like, evolutionary mom-instincts all tangled up inside you. Rona still keeps track of a couple of kids she pulled out of drug dens, when she was younger. You get over it after a while; bad things happen to a lot of people, you can’t take care of them all. Trying doesn’t do anything but make you worse at your job.

“Heinrich Lange,” a terse voice is saying to the receptionist. “I’m here for my son.”

Rona’s head snaps up from the trashy magazine she’s been reading. She’s been sitting in the front reception waiting area for twenty minutes because she’s avoiding Simon, who is stalking the halls looking annoyed, and Farah, who may or may not be in her missing son’s hospital room, because she may also be where they’re holding her missing daughter for questioning.

“I have a personal physician at a facility upstate,” the voice is saying. “I want him transferred. Start the paperwork now.”

Rona looks at Senator Heinrich Lange and knows immediately that he pushed his youngest son down the stairs of his upscale townhouse. His intent in doing so seems kind of immaterial at this point. She’s on her feet before she’s consciously processed the decision to get up.

“You can’t have him,” Rona says flatly at Heinrich Lange’s back.

Heinrich Lange turns sharply, and does the old-white-man version of the double take everyone does on first seeing her. He’s taller than her, but that never really matters.

“Who the hell are you,” Heinrich Lange says. He isn’t really what she’s expecting--she’d expected the slimy kind of abusive father, the kind who donates to charity with the same hand he uses to touch his kids. Heinrich Lange Senior looks more like the good old-fashioned kind that hits his kids in public and expects you to be too scared to say anything. Rona smiles, letting him see her teeth.

“I’m one of the agents who pulled your son out of the torture chamber,” she tells him. “Arthur Lange is part of an ongoing FBI investigation. He can’t be moved to a private facility where he’ll be outside our protection.”

Heinrich Lange looks at her, like a water buffalo would look at a lioness, not sure which one would win in a fight. The answer is always Rona, if only because she doesn’t have to ask. She watches that knowledge register in his stance, but Lange still looks belligerent--he seems like the kind of man who pisses on his kill rather than let anyone steal it, even if it means he can’t eat it either. That’s kind of the type of man Rona has the least patience for. She feels her smile widen.

“Protection from what?” Heinrich snaps. “Your captain claims you caught the man who attacked my son.” He emphasizes the words “my son”, like he’s going to scare her with the legal claim he supposedly has, but Rona knows the legality is on her side and also that it doesn’t matter; he isn’t taking Art out of here.

“Maybe you haven’t heard the words ‘ongoing investigation,’ before,” Rona says. Heinrich’s face twitches at the insult, which wouldn’t’ve even really been an insult if she hadn’t known he’d make it one. “We caught the leader of a death-cult we’ve been investigating for a while now. We found your son in their compound. We don’t know the extent of your son’s involvement. We’re not letting him out of our sight until we’ve eliminated all possible threats to his safety.” Rona tips her head very slightly at the end there, and Heinrich’s eyes flash; nobody would assume he was included on that list unless they already knew he belonged there. Heinrich Lange isn’t a very sophisticated villain; after interviewing Micah Trent several times, it’s almost refreshing.

“You don’t have any claim on the boy,” Heinrich says, raising his voice and also calling his son “the boy;” even the receptionist is looking at him with alarm now; this is the easiest game Rona’s ever won. “I’m his goddamn father.”

Rona actually laughs at that one, which he recoils from like a slap in the face, as she knew he would. “This might be news to you, Senator, but your son’s nineteen years old. And I’m going to bet he wants to stay here, though I’d be happy to ask him for you. He knows there’s people in this city who want to shut his mouth any way they can.”

That one’s a little overt, but Rona’s sure enough now not to worry, and Lange’s expression of guarded alarm just makes her more sure. She’s gonna have to say all this stuff again to somebody who matters, and a U.S. Senator has enough money to make the Bureau nervous, but none of that matters now that she’s smelled blood in the water.

Heinrich turns to the receptionist, since he knows he’s lost; she takes almost a full step back from him, because he doesn’t know how badly. “Get me someone who knows what the fuck they’re talking about,” he snarls, and the receptionist doesn’t even reach for the phone, though her hand is sliding under the desk; there’s probably a panic button under there. Rona laughs again, though there’d probably be actual consequences if this little girl called security on a Senator and there’s no guarantee the hospital knows they need her like the Bureau knows they need Rona, so Rona claps a hand to Lange’s shoulder, transferring all his ire to herself immediately.

“Don’t bother,” she tells him before he can scream at her. “You’ll hear the same thing upstairs I’m telling you now. You can’t have him. Go home.”

“You bitch,” Heinrich Lange says, already turning to storm out of the hospital. “You’re fucking done working in this town.”

“The FBI is a national organization, kiddo,” she tells him, and pats him on the shoulder on his way out. He doesn’t take a swing at her, which would have been the best icing she could have asked for on this already-excellent cake, but he does make enough effort to leave with dignity that not even the onlookers who arrived too late to hear him talk can possibly have any respect for him left. Rona rocks back on her heels, delighted.

“Jesus, I need a fucking cigarette,” she says, turning to grin at the receptionist, who looks back at her, alarmed. “You need anything? Buy you a coffee.”

The receptionist blinks at her, then back at Heinrich Lange’s retreating back, and then to Rona’s delight she says, “Cappuccino. Was that really his father?”

“Yep,” Rona says, waving away the change the receptionist offers her.

“That poor boy,” the receptionist says, and Rona laughs all the way to the coffee machine.

----

Art’s head is clearing, which is always the worst part of being high.

The duty officer, Chase, finished taking his initial statement with a promise to “see what he could do about getting Karim in to see him,” which is not as strong as he remembers the initial promise being, but his memory on that is a bit fuzzy, so it’s possible he assumed it was more binding than it was.

The more awake he feels, the more every part of him hurts, some of the pain deep in his guts in ways that make him feel dizzy and sick, but he resists pressing the button that’s supposed to flood him with opiates. He needs his head clear for what comes next.

He remembers waking in the dark, every inch of him either burning or frighteningly numb, and seeing the face of the agent who carried him out; he remembers the man stripping off his sportscoat and dropping it around his shoulders, and he remembers being sure that no one would ever touch him again without wanting to hurt him, that he had been freezing and the jacket hadn’t even really helped, the cold was in his bones, blood loss probably, but the fact that this stranger had wanted to let him cover himself had made him cry when he’d thought he was done crying for good. 

He could kind of use that jacket now, actually; some of the wounds that need dressing what seems like every hour are in places Art doesn’t want strangers touching even when he knows when he’ll next be able to shit without bleeding. The nurses are largely women and therefore apologetic and gentle about it, but the doctors don’t even always ask first, and one of them tried to move Art’s legs apart when he was half asleep and Art kicked him in the face, despite the immediate disabling pain in his broken hip. He isn’t sorry, but he won’t do it again; they pumped him full of sedatives afterward and he spent the rest of the day grinding against the fog in his brain, knowing he should be panicking, which is not all that much better than actually panicking, for the record.

None of that is why he isn’t asking for more pain meds, or at least not all of why. He needs his head clear because he’s heard from one of the nurses, who seems like she thought she was comforting him, that the whole Coven is going on trial, on charges starting at attempted murder and building from there, and that’s not fucking acceptable. He’s not that invested in the girls, though he’ll put in a good word for them if he gets the chance; he doesn’t feel too bad about that, given that he essentially didn’t meet them until they were cutting him open. But Karim isn’t going from nine years in a cult straight to a prison, thank you very much. He’ll bust him out himself if he has to, but they aren’t actually sure he’s ever going to walk again, so it’ll be more expedient to keep him from getting locked up in the first place.

The agent who found him, Simon, seems cut up and unsettled by his condition, at least as far as Art remembers--he’d been pretty out of it when he saw him again. Art’s sorry about that, and sorry he apparently got shoulder-shot during the dramatic rescue, too, presumably because his arms were too full of what was left of Art to draw his gun; but he isn’t too sorry to exploit that a little, if he can. He’s ready to spin the story, leave out Karim’s initial promise to kill him, since he knows what it would sound like to someone who didn’t know him before, and leave in all the parts where Karim saved his life over and over and is the reason he isn’t taking the current opportunity to overdose on opiates like he could so easily do right now.

It is fucking ironic, obviously, how close he came to dying just about the second he didn’t want to anymore.

The door to his room opens, and he looks up, hoping it’s Simon Blake and not any doctors holding needles, and then he stares, because it isn’t either of those, it’s the creepiest-looking woman he’s ever seen. She’s probably mid-thirties, and her hair is a thin side-shaved mess of curls so pale as to be almost translucent, showing the pale pink of her scalp underneath. She’s wearing dark glasses even indoors— though he can’t fault her for that; the fluorescents are murder on his eyes too— and a pantsuit, though she seems to be wearing combat boots underneath.

The woman leans in the doorway and looks at him over her glasses. Her eyes are a fairly unsettling shade of violet. “Morning, starshine,” she says dryly. “You lucid, or just awake?”

Art closes his eyes to settle into the pain, and then sits up a little. It’s bad, his hip and ass both screaming in different voices, but it’s doable. “I’m lucid. Are you with the FBI?”

The woman eyes him, maybe with curiosity. “Rona Cowl,” she says with a nod. “Blake’s my partner.” When she speaks, Art feels with a shiver down his spine that there’s something off about her teeth, but he shoves the feeling away.

“You helped carry me out, then,” he says. He folds the hand he can move in his lap and looks at her steadily. “Thank you.”

Rona Cowl narrows her eyes at him, though he can’t think of anything he can have done wrong. He forces himself to stay still and not visibly go on the defensive.

“You are lucid,” she says slowly, moving to sit in one of the chairs beside the bed. Rona Cowl looks at him, and then she reaches forward without changing expression and presses two fingers against his dislocated shoulder.

Pain shoots up Art’s arm, and a short wail tears out of his throat before he can smother it.

“Yeah, I thought so. I’m calling the nurse to get you more painkillers.” She starts to get up.

“Don’t,” Art says, and she stops, surprised. He takes a moment to catch his breath, letting the pain settle back into a dull ache. When he’s sure he’ll be able to see, he lifts his head and glares at her.

“I don’t need them. I need to talk to Agent Blake.”

Rona Cowl raises an eyebrow, and waits for him to go on. Art considers her. He doesn’t feel like he has a good enough handle on who this woman is to know what tack to use— but if she tells the nurses to dose him, they will, and he deeply does not want that. He’s got to try something.

“I want to tell someone what really happened. I want to make sure the FBI understands. So they don’t hurt people who have already been hurt enough.”

Rona Cowl looks at him for a long time, her violet eyes slightly narrowed. “You mean Karim Mun,” she says finally, which could be good or very bad. He feels his free hand clench, and forces it to relax, nods once, keeping his face blank. 

“Karim never hurt me. He saved my life. I don’t want him to go to court until I’ve made that clear.” He makes sure his voice is calm and unmodulated; he knows emotion will make him easier to dismiss.

“I hear you’ve been asking to see him,” Rona Cowl says, and she raises an eyebrow again, so it might be a trap, but Art feels his heart clench in his chest. 

“Yes,” he says, and it comes out husky and desperate, so he takes a breath to let his pulse slow again. “Yes,” he says again, more calmly. “He was held by Micah far longer than I was. I want to know for sure that he’s alright.”

Rona squints at him. She must be albino, he thinks, and he’s read that albinism causes vision problems. It sure feels like she can see him, though. Then her face clears, though she still has that dangerous tilt to her brows. 

“I’ll see what I can do,” she says mildly, and clicks out of the room.

----

It’s— all very complicated. And a distraction from what Rona really meant to do, which is ask him about his father. Though she’s certainly ignoring her own advice now, and getting distracted from the actual case.

Broadly, Art Lange doesn’t have much to worry about. It’s likely Karim Mun will have a one-on-one meeting with a judge, not a trial, and given he was taken at fifteen and seems to be one of the few cult members who didn’t actually kill anyone on his own, he’s likely to get off without much more than mandatory counselling, which christ knows he’d need anyway. 

But this thing with Art Lange’s father changes things, makes everything worse and more suspicious. Rona knows, to some extent, that beating Heinrich Lange Senior is just a welcome distraction from Micah Trent, who has a million more lives tangled up with his, not to mention better lawyers and a squirrely-er brain. It probably doesn’t actually change anything, but knowing Art Lange isn’t just a normal kid who got kidnapped by a cult does make her more suspicious of everyone else involved. It’s possible Art just has the worst luck of any rich kid on the planet, but it’s also possible someone saw vulnerability and pounced on it, and she’s not sure that person would have been Micah.

Which means it’s time to see whether Karim Mun is cleared to walk around or not.

[m00nslippers]

Jason is a clever bitch and I love him, in RHATO Issue #32

Okay now we’re finally moving Jason closer to the Winick version that I think is most people’s favorite Red hood--it’s not there yet, but we’re seeing the hints. The cleverness, the charm, the unrepentant sass. Oh yes, we are going places, I like what I see.

Let’s dive in here.

Whoever made that post about Jason not even needing a cover story about being dead to revive his identity was kind of prophetic because here his cover is basically, “So I wasn’t actually dead. no more details, that’s it.” Which is pretty dang close.

And I’m not sure how he managed any of this without Bruce or Alfred finding out but that is damn impressive. We know they didn’t know because we see Alfred’s reaction shot to seeing him on TV. If we don’t see him interact with a few of the other Gotham vigilantes, (or at least see a reaction shot of them all like, “What!? Jason?! The guy we had to physically blackmail to attend galas is running a casino with parties every night? That Jason?!) at some point I’m going to be pretty disappointed, to be honest.

Also, as we already knew from the solicitations and previews, Jason is taking over the Iceburg lounge and looking fancy while he does it. I love it. Jason can put on an act with the best of the batboys. Look at this well dressed man! And his hair! He has hair again, praise the Lord, hallelujah!

Completely unrelated note, that reporter has some really fancy cuff earrings or something and I’m jealous.

I’m validated for noticing Suzie Su was behind Jason in the previews. She and her sisters are part of his crew basically. It’s actually nice to see villains/characters return, too often they are just one-shot or one-note baddies but Suzie has been there since New 52 RHATO and she got a bit of humanization in the Annual when we meet her sisters. She’s not just some creepy fat lady that creeps on Jason, she’s a big sister who is trying to do her best for her family and I like that Jason acknowledges that and brings her and her family in on his scheme and even gets them out of the crime business sort-of by giving them mostly legit employment.

The way he has a bunch of ladies following him around kind of reminds me of Dick with the girls from St. Hadrian's a little bit. But they were all super into Dick and these girls don’t seem interested in Jason at all except as like a boss, which I like.

Jason, this is the kind of thing you should ask about! Ugggghh ~

Wingman looked older in the last page of the previous issue for some reason, maybe he’s died his hair or something. So we still don’t know what’s going on with him. I was hoping we’d get something, a hint but we’ve literally got nothing to go on here. I honestly think he has some kind of direct relation to Jason. Either he’s his dad’s mind in a different inmates body, or maybe a lost cousin or brother or something, or has something to do with the future like he came from there. It’s got to be one of those things, nothing else makes sense that I can think of.

LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL BOY! JUST LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT THOSE EYELASHES AND BLUE EYES AND THAT SMILE.

Anyone would be charmed. I think Jason is too much of an introvert to like this kind of public job exactly, but I also think he’d be good at it. Dick might be better, because he’s just a natural extrovert, but Jason is still up there. He’s a good actor, and he really cares about people so he’d take care of those he’s in charge of. Jason would be a good boss.

“Started from the bottom now we’re here,” that’s a Drake lyric.

Could these guys be bigger dorks?

Notice that Jason didn’t kill the guys that were causing trouble, he had Miggs (his nickname for Miguel) roll them off to the docks in a ball made with his powers and those dorks were totally right, the room he made was pretty gucci. You got taste, Miguel.These weren’t necessarily real bad guys, they were just punks, and Jason might be killing again but he doesn’t just kill any idiot that gets in his way or causes trouble.

Also, technically they might have been right about Night cheating, we don’t actually know how ‘legit’ the Su sisters are playing things.

I’m sort of torn on the way the colorist is depicting Miguel’s powers, like I miss the glowiness a little bit from New 52 Teen Titans. These look a little too much like normal bricks? But technically that might be better for Miguel, they can pass as normal bricks instead of a power when they have to. They looked clear or white before when the guys walked in there so maybe he can control their color/transparency and glowiness? I still would like to see them look glowy though.

A few things about Miguel: I think these panels illustrated pretty well what their dynamic is supposed to be. I know Jason called Bizarro his ‘friend’ but let’s be honest here, Bizarro isn’t Jason’s friend--he’s his little brother.

Jason compares Miguel to Bizarro and I think that’s key, he sees Miguel as like a little brother that he wants to help. He’s got powers that he doesn’t understand and people keep coming after him for them. I think with Miguel and Tim it was closer to a friendship of equals at least as far as Miguel saw. He admired and respected Tim as a leader and how he always seemed to know what to do, but in the end Miguel was older than Tim, he didn’t feel like he could completely lean on him. It looks like Miguel may have latched on to Jason in that way, since he has the bat-authority too and actually is older than him and a genuinely caring guy. And look at my boy Jason! He comforts and accepts him immediately, it’s so sweat.

Goddamn it, Jason is a good older brother! He’s the best freaking older brother, damn Bruce and the whole family’s bat-morals, man! You’re all missing this! He could have this with Tim and Damian and Duke and even Steph and Cass! He would love that! He would be so good at that! It’s a goddamn tragedy, is what it is.

Also it’s interesting how Miguel acknowledges the reboots, so are his powers related to reality-warping or something so he can sense it? Or it could just be more of this suggestion that a lot of people in the DC universe right now have memories from the previous continuity, so like it all kind of happened even if it technically didn’t type of thing. I kind of thought Miguel’s powers were energy projections made with his mind, like psionically, but maybe they are literally creating matter or something? I don’t know. I really need to read more New 52 Teen Titans to understand him and his powers.

And that line, “A loaded weapon in the hands of a confused teenager. What could go wrong?”

Wow, Jason, you really went there. Referenced you’re own crazy head-state when you went after Bruce in Under the Hood.

Jason is so self-deprecating, you guys.

“When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer. “ This is apparently a quote from Die Hard, because of course it is. Jason is literally Jake Peralta from Brooklyn 99 confirmed.

Ugh, Lobdell’s version of Bruce is just such an asshole!

First of all, Jason hasn’t ‘betrayed him’ not even once, he was emotionally compromised and broke their agreement because he was acting on those feelings. He made a mistake. And Bruce cared more about his rules than Jason’s intentions or feelings or any of the good will they’d fostered in the last year or two. He acts like Jason sold him out or lied to him, when he never did any of those things.

Also, I don’t think saying, “stay out of Gotham and never come back or I’ll throw down and toss you in Arkham” is another chance, okay? It’s not like Jason got anything out of that deal, it was just Bruce not wanting to go through the trouble of hunting him down outside of Gotham because he straight-up knew that he wouldn’t be able to!

That Pretty Woman reference...

The funny thing is, Jason is more like the character who says that line than Bruce is. Bruce, kicking Jason out of the bat-family, is the one who is making the mistake. He could have had an ally, had say in what Jason did, had some limited control over him if he’d just forgiven him or talked to him at all, but because of his pride now he has none of that.

Now this, this is my shit right here. JASON HAS BRUCE BY THE BALLS. By going public with his identity he’s effectively made himself untouchable by Bruce. He’s got the identity of every Gotham vigilante in his hands, and honestly I really doubt Jason would ever give them up, even out of spite or hatred, he never did before when he could have, (he didn’t tell Hush Bruce’s identity, he just didn’t deny it when Hush figured it out, and we’re not sure if that’s even canon anymore anyway.) but it’s partly Bruce’s own doubt in Jason that is keeping his hands tied! That and the fact that if even one of his kids is outted as a vigilante it really puts the suspicion on him.

But seriously guys. Smart Jason is what Iive for.

God, Jason calling him dad, but only because he’s ‘playing up the act’ of civilian Jason Todd, has got to hurt Bruce. Assuming Lobdell’s version of Bruce has any actual feelings of affection for Jason, otherwise it probably just grates.

Lol, okay, so the situation seems to be that Jason dropped in to the Iceburg lounge to pay Penguin a visit. Cobblepot went, “Oh no! That damned Red Hood is here, hide me!” Ran into his panic room and locked it and Jason was just like, “Well, isn’t this convenient,” and made it so he couldn’t get back out.

And then presumably gangster-rules applied and Jason just got all his businesses because he said they were his and no one wanted to argue? I guess? Lobdell doesn’t give satisfying explanations, you guys. This is a testament to that.

I’m not going to lie though, this is pretty satisfying.

Alright, so I’m really excited for more you guys. This is not a perfect issue, a lot of things are hand waved, Bruce is acting even more out of character than usual, and we still have no dang clue what’s going on with Wingman, but there are definitely things here I like, and i’m looking forward to more.