#i felt things in my chest

[jackredfieldwasmyjacob]

guys I might be deeply in love with valeria castro I'm not joking

[avalencias]

yes I was inspired by the latest chapter of this fic, no I don’t want to talk about it.

(fic by @picturesofthegoneworlds)

[science-lings]

okay this has been going through my mind for days and I have to get my thoughts out before I explode

Disclaimer, this is not talking about a specific artist/person and would never condone or participate in anon hate or online bullying for any reason but especially this one. 

I get why people are mad about Link being portrayed as this buff, hypermasculine, tall guy. I am too (again don’t fucking attack people over it though) and it seems like such an infuriating way to change the character just to fit into some ideal of hypermasculine attractiveness or to make a ship fall into a more hetero lense by making him a decent foot taller than whatever girl he’s being paired with. 

The world of video games and action movies and every form of media ever is extremely saturated with male characters that are swole and manly and whatever other descriptors people are trying to push onto Link that don’t fit into his actual character. There are so many characters out there that already fit this male standard and having a clearly androgynous elf guy was like a breath of fresh air. 

Link was literally designed to be a character whose lines on gender were blurred, ‘a girl with a masculine touch or a guy with a feminine touch’ so that anyone could project themselves onto him. His physical design in botw/totk was specifically made to be feminine enough to wear a certain outfit to pass as a woman (which includes a nearly mandatory cutscene where he puts on the clothes and blushes after being called pretty, like you have to be blind to think that its an experience that he doesn’t like at all) and in totk there are a bunch of outfits made for Link that are blatantly gnc, ones that are practically dresses, include nail polish and lipstick, you can even dye his hair bright and vivid colors and that’s half way to giving him new pronouns. The whole reason Linkle isn’t included in more mainline loz games was because her existence would force Link into a gender dichotomy, if there's a clearly female version of the main hero, that means the main hero has to be a man, and they would rather abandon a potential reoccurring character than make Link conform to a gender binary. 

So pardon me when it feels disingenuous and even malicious for him to be morphed into these clear masculine ideals, where he towers over any female romantic partner (even when in canon he is regularly depicted as noticeably shorter than her) or even in m/m fanworks he’s really beefed up, perhaps to make the scene feel more gay or something. 

Perhaps it’s because his more twink-y/ femboy body type is so heavily sexualized (though obviously when people are sculping abs on him it’s totally not because they’re horny about it) and that’s an issue in itself that bothers me. But it’s just so tiring to see one of the very few popular main characters who is short and feminine and androgynous be molded into just another bland muscle-headed action hero over and over and over again. 

I’m not mad at the creators for portraying him differently than how I like him portrayed, I’m mad because we really do get so few characters like him in good popular media, and to be honest, I really like him the way that he is. I love that he’s tiny and has long hair and has the option to dress any way the player likes. It seems a little distasteful to make him taller than a female love interest just because that’s how straight couples have to be, there’s just never been a real straight couple where the guy is shorter than the girl, that’s just Impossible! (/s) 

[ledzeppelinmixtape]

wish house was a real doctor so i could be his mystery insomniac patient and after giving me horse tranquilizers and still not falling asleep he just hits me in the head with his cane and im out like a light

[imfinereallyy]

for stwg daily prompt: “goodnight love”

Steve brushed back the hair on Eddie’s forehead. Gone were the days when Steve had to pick off the stray hairs that stuck to Eddie’s sweaty skin. Back then, when they still spent their nights sneaking into the trailer, the hot Indiana summers always made themselves known in the metal box.

Now, though, Steve found himself wishing for the sweat-slicked skin. Found himself yearning for Eddie’s embarrassed laugh as Steve slicked back his bangs. His soft sigh as Steve pulled back Eddie’s hair for him.

Eddie was freezing now; the only heat was coming from his short, shallow breaths and the palm of Steve’s hand.

It would be any minute now.

Steve wished that Robin hadn’t left to get coffee, wished she was here to fill up the room with sound. The room was silent except for the soft, slow beat of the monitor. Its neon glow lit up Eddie’s pale face.

Steve knew it was useless to wish for her return; he knew neither of them had drunk coffee in decades. Not since Steve’s first seizure, and both Eddie and Robin stop drinking it in solidarity.

Steve had never experienced love quite like theirs before they came along.

Steve was sure that Robin knew, even after all this time, what he needed. That Steve needed to calm his nerves to the beautiful sound of Eddie’s heartbeat one last time.

“You look pretty when you smile like that, you know?” Eddie’s voice croaked from the bed.

“When I smile like what?” Steve raised a brow.

“Like you’re thinking about something really good.”

Steve felt his heart flutter. This game was as old as time between them. Eddie would always say this; then Steve would follow up with a ‘Maybe I am.’ And Eddie would ask him to tell him what was so good to deserve a smile like that. And Steve would tell him, to bring a little light to his day.

Sometimes it was about the kids. Sometimes, it was something a student did. Sometimes, it was just how blue the sky was that day. But most of the time, it was Eddie. And when it was Eddie, Steve would always say…

“It’s always good, thinking about you.” Steve grabbed Eddie’s hand, and laced their fingers together.

Eddie squeezed as hard as he could, which wasn’t very much. “I wanna fight you on that one, but I don’t want to see that pretty smile go away just yet.”

Steve’s smile deepened. “It’s yours whenever you want it.”

“Good.” Eddie smiled back. His eyes fluttered with exhaustion. “I’m getting a little sleepy; that smile better be there when I wake up.” Eddie’s voice choked, but his smile never wavered.

Steve didn’t fight him, not this time. “You deserve some rest.”

Eddie snuggled into the bed while the heart monitor slowed down slightly. Steve watched as the man he loved for long, and the man he would continue to love beyond the after, sought comfort in the love they shared.

Eddie tilted his head towards Steve as he eyelids slowly drifted shut. “Goodnight, love you.”

Steve stayed silent as Eddie had already drifted off into sleep. Steve didn’t bother to keep his eyes on the heart monitor this time. He could hear it, and that was good enough. Steve kept his gaze on his light, his life, his Eddie.

Steve made sure to watch the way his face drifted off, as it had done time and time again in every bed they had ever shared. How his nose scrunched up before his body relaxed into slumber. How his hands twitched endlessly before slipping into his dreams. Steve resisted tracing the wrinkles on his face, reminiscing about the tales they each told.

Steve wasn’t sure how long he sat, watching each breath become slower and slower. It didn’t matter, though; no amount of time would ever be enough.

Eventually, Eddie’s face stilled and distantly Steve heard the monitor flatline.

Steve stared for an extra moment, before leaning over and kissing Eddie’s forehead.

“Goodnight. Love.”

****

hi, yes im back. sorry this is bittersweet. sorry if it makes zero sense haha. you can thank the guild for me being back but also blame them for encouraging me to write this. love yal.

[forlix]

i don’t know what the fuck to think or feel. heart feeling so heavy

[softerhaze]

idk if it was the venus retrograde or what, but july 2023 was quite literally the worst month i've ever experienced in my life like.....every single day? awful? worse than the last? it's more likely than u think

[pcktknife]

i am always filled with so much dread

[hopefullystillliving]

You ever get lulled into a false sense of security during the first two thirds of a kid's movie that's good with a serious plot but mostly a pretty fun time, only to have the entire final third tear your heart out, chew it up and spit it out, crush it into even finer paste beneath its heel, and add the fine powder your ribs have been turned into by the sledgehammer it whammed you with as a seasoning?

Anyway Nimona was great, 10/10 would recommend, I was crying on and off for what probably totaled 20 minutes of tears.

[vogelmeister]

Eurovision 2024: my experience as a fan

One thing about me is that I love Eurovision. I have all the winners plastered on my door at home, I can beat anyone and everyone at European geography. Each year for a week in May, I am people’s go to for anything and everything Eurovision, from explaining the big five to promoting my favourite songs. I willingly get up at 5am to tune in live, I have written two academic essays on Eurovision, and both essays have a sense of passion running through them where you can tell I love the topic- may or may not have been called out once on that. I knew so much about the topic that neither essay required much research. When I lived in the Netherlands, I attended Het Grote Songfestivalfeest, probably killing my seat neighbours with my singing and poorly articulated Dutch when De Diepte came on. As well as that, my friends and I took a trip to Rotterdam and visited where the contest was held in 2021. Having me, an Australian, alongside a Dutch person and a Greek, exploring Rotterdam highlighted to me exactly what Eurovision should be about. Unity. 

Being in a room of Eurofans gave me joy that is unexplainable. I just remember realising, ‘hey I found my people’

However, I always knew ESC 2024 was going to be a hard watch for me, even before the boycotts begun. About a year ago I went through a massive friendship breakup with one of my closest Eurovision friends, and their villianisation of me meant that watching with them wasnt an option. I didn’t want to watch alone. That’s all I will say on that. I had a year to deal with that, anyway, and even when people were boycotting the event after October 7th, I thought, theres actually no way that Israel is actually competing this year. They surely will send something too political and get dq'd, right? Most of the knowledge I have of Palestine and Israel comes from my year 12 modern history class, which as my friend and I discussed today, was taught neutrally- and it’s not in Israel’s favour. I was there when Hatari spoke out in 2019 and did the banners, and I remember the shock and understanding what a big deal this was.

I toyed with the idea of boycotting myself. I had my reasons. I auditioned for a play, which didnt work out for me, as I was too distracted by Eurovision week to care. I was less invested in Eurovision as a whole, and I would get sleep. But in the end, I decided not to. My friend (who found out I liked Eurovision after I bitched about my ex friends not enjoying that I had other interests asides from Taylor Swift) was already coming around to watch.  I decided my mental health came first, before boycotting and before being an activist. If I could save this one piece of my mental health, I would be fine. Stupid delusional me, well she had hope. I wanted to support Joost, and the other artists who were stuck in this shitshow of a year. I staunchly boycotted Isreal’s song, I have only heard it in full once, and that was against my will. I even blocked her on Spotify. 

I looked at it all positively- this all meant I was going in more blind than ever. I bought my 2024 CD, but I also broke a lot of traditions- I didnt do my predictions like I do every year on my whiteboard, I didnt film the first semi qualifications with the caption ‘im in spain’ and put it on my story, and I hardly watched the NFs. I liked Eurovision, but this year, with all going on, I felt guilty and ashamed. I have been ashamed of being a eurofan before, but not on this level. I felt like I was trapped in a glass box, kicking and screaming at the ebu but they had airpods in. The answer was so obvious. Ban Isreal, like you did with Russia. People were harassing artists for competing, especially Olly, who I realised had no choice in the matter anyways. I ended up thinking “just get through the week, soon it will be over, and you’ll have fun with your friend.” I have never wanted Eurovision week over in my life. I just wasnt excited.  Europapa basically became my ride or die, built upon my love for the Netherlands, and the genuine good vibes of the song. Joost was charismatic, and the song had a nice story. Another one of my friends, who realised I was eurofan after I posted a video on my story where you could see my Dowue Bob poster (I have my reasons for keeping it), found a watch party and it was free. She had her drivers license so she could get us there, and my other friend and I agreed. It would be fun, I would bring my Dutch flag and my orange beanie and wear my Sam Ryder shirt. 

The first semi happened. My friend came over, we slept on the couch. I enjoyed myself, the qualifiers werent shocking though and I guessed 9/10 of them. It was pretty mid, but it was fun. The only issue was Poland being robbed and the Australian commentary on SBS being dicks to Portugal, which they backtracked in the final. It was insufferable, but the worst was yet to come.  

The second semi. I was so excited to see Joost perform and bonded with my Dutch coworker over him and his song, which honestly was beautiful. If she didnt know how much I love the Netherlands before, she does now. I did notice that when Israel qualified, all the sickness in my stomach just exited the room, as the worst that could happen, happened. But sadly, I knew it would happen. Seeing the videos, however, of Palestine protesters and the booing and shouting, despite attempts to silence us, was beautiful. It showed exactly where the fandom stood, what we thought. And my mum was even happy about Israel being treated like bullshit. 

And then shit started to go down. 

The second semi press conference. The kaarija video. Joost being followed around for propaganda content by Israel. Joost’s “why not” and throwing the Dutch flag over his head.  Marina falling asleep (queen). Bambi being dehumanised by Israel’s delegation and asshole of a commentator. Zionists kept making excuses and I got a few threats on TikTok of all places for supporting a bully manchild. Well, fuck you, at least I am not suporting genocide. It was a mess. My friend asked me for my opinions on the qualification while at work and i basically told her I didn’t want to talk about it. I looked so sad on break my coworker offered me a banana. 

“Treat Eden Golan as human! She’s only 20” I wondered, how could I? How could I treat someone as human when they were basically a puppet, a face for a genocidal nation. How could I do that when that same genocidal nation was tearing apart the one thing I loved?  Her delegation certainly didn’t treat Joost Klein as human; certainly just as another tool they could use to promote their propaganda machine. I felt sick. He wasn’t the only one. I was so proud of Joost, and I will always be proud of him, I think. What he did during the press conference after semi 2 took guts.  Normally I would be pissed at a delegation getting mistreated like this, but not today. As far as I was concerned, this was good riddance. Get the fuck out, you’re not wanted here. 

On Saturday, I started to realise I had this heavy feeling in my chest and it wasn’t leaving. I felt on edge, and yet I was a world away in Australia. I listened to “I can do it with a broken heart” fifty times on my way to work that day, confident that maybe I could power through this matinee shift without cracking. My favourite thing in the whole world was falling apart before my eyes, and it was easily avoided. I felt sick at work, there were points when I was thinking “I can’t do this.” But I could. I would. I would get through this shift. I messaged one of my friends in NL asking her how she was and she said she also wasnt having a good time, to which I confessed not wanting to get out of bed that morning because I was so sick with discomfort. 

People were continually asking my thoughts, if I enjoyed the shows, the memes were sent and I had to put on a brave face because crying over a song contest is stupid and im a coward and hate being an outspoken activist.

The final straw for me was Joost Klein getting disqualified. This would have been a devastating blow for me no matter which nation it was, but it being the Netherlands, the one country I love more than anything else, the one song that was basically my ride or die in this shitshow of a year: well it felt personal. It showed the double standards of the EBU- how could an incident, hardly worth a fine, get Joost kicked out of ESC when Israel waltzed in with a smugass grin and a kill count. If it was about Joost's parents, I hope he hit them hard. the misleading information, the lack of transparency, and AVROTROS's discomfort over the whole ordeal was the cherry on the cake and really, actually showed me in full colour who the EBU were and that they didn't give two shits, bending the rules for Eden and using everyone else as scapegoats. That Joost, or any of the other artists were not allowed to have boundaries. Instantly I messaged my friend,  and went “I am not fucking going to this watch party.” She agreed with me, the vibes would be off and probably zionist. My other friend, who was staying the night, was still keen to watch ESC. Instead of going to the livestream in Hurstville, we all  came to mine at 5am and we elected to watch together.  To finish what we started. As my friend said, “it could be the last one.” 

I saw myself witnessing the death of Eurovision.  All because someone wouldnt fucking kick out a country. When I woke up in the morning, I saw that Bambi had posted a statement saying they had issues with Israel and the delegation, and even the EBU fully admitted that Israel had broken rules. Yet where was the punishment?

I will confess the 5am start time hurt more this time around. Normally I would be bounding down the stairs, box of chips in hand, and excited to see the memes. Today, it just hurt. Dancing around to Europapa didn’t hide the emptiness in my soul about the disqualification, about the double standards enacted by the EBU this year.  The interval acts were mid. Petra talking about the rules, saying shit like “it’s apolitical” stung with irony I had never felt before. I put on a brave face and I had as much fun as I could but in reality, I was sad and angry. Wishing I had gotten into that play. That I had the guts to boycott and explain to people why. That Joost wasnt disqualified for shit Eden Golan would have gotten away with. 

After the show, I felt empty. Switzerland won, and congrats to them obviously, I like The Code. But after the shitshow of this week, all I felt was free and relieved. Israel still came top 5 and it confirmed what was sickeningly true. People still support Israel. People were still pulling the “Croatia robbed” game, unaware how tone deaf that feels in the current circumstances. It didn’t matter who won, as long as it wasn’t Israel, but it never felt like Israel lost. All I wanted to do was cry. My friend was showing me Eurovision memes probably unaware that I had been through the worst Eurovision of my life, and just wanted to cry and be left alone. No hate to her obviously but I was fucking trying to hold it together all morning, but I couldn't express my emotions on the matter. I hope AVROTROS sue the shit out of the EBU. I hope Joost gets a hero’s welcome home in the Netherlands. I hope past artists speak out. I hope Isreal gets banned. 

I will be celebrating the small wins this year. I will be streaming the artists that stood up to the ebu, streaming the ones that spoke out, and of course, continuing to support Joost Klein. I will never forget watching Ukraine sail past Israel in the televote, a win of itself. I am thankful to those in the arena that spoke out against the EBU and booed both Israel and Osterdahl.  To those who smuggled in flags, to those who refused to be silent. I will get over this, I will, but seeing the outcome of this week leaves little joy. I hope this isnt the end of Eurovision, but wherever we go now, I think a part of me did die this week.

[greasydumbfuck]

watched the 2004 punisher movie yesterday with pixie and honestly i had fun 👍 some stuff was good some stuff was eh some completely irrelevant stuff made me mildly annoyed. but most of all it was funny and they had frank hang around with his tits out for multiple scenes so i mean how could i not have a great time tbh

[gdn019283]

Arthur’s talking about Merlin in this scene (02x03, “The Nightmare Begins”)

Let me break down this scene, not real quick, because, oh my Lord.

1) The choice of words, especially Arthur’s (and I’m not adding how tender they are spoken):

A) Arthur starts his reproach by saying that, “this has to stop.” Merlin’s first reaction could hint that he’s worried Arthur found out about his magic, but I don’t think that’s the reason. “There’s no point denying it.” Arthur has no idea Merlin had been the one to help Morgana in this episode; he couldn’t have known about Merlin guiding her to the Druids’ camp; he couldn’t have known Merlin had helped her get back, because no one had seen him. And Merlin knows this, so he shouldn’t be afraid of the magic, yet he freezes. He’s not scared that Arthur believes he and Morgana are a thing, since Merlin has never showed any interest in her, especially in the second season. Merlin stops, because he thought that Arthur figured out his silly, little crush on him. So, Merlin’s response, “denying what?”, around a gulp, makes much more sense. He knows Arthur could get angry if he finds out about Merlin’s true feelings. We can see Merlin is nervous but, the moment Arthur says, “the affections for the Lady Morgana”, Merlin’s second reaction is to smile. He knows he’s safe again. The love Merlin has for Arthur is as dangerous as the secret of his magic. But Arthur is also afraid, and we know why.

B) “Take some bit of advice from someone… Who—knows about women.” First of all, Arthur’s pause before deciding to use the word “knows”? It was intentional. Oh, please, this is too easy. Knows? Not, “has been with”, or “has talked to”, but knows? What, exactly, do you know, Arthur? (Barely nothing. Like I explained in my post here about why I believe Arthur isn’t attracted to women, he can’t even say “hello” to Gwen, without giggling like an imbecile, and you mean to tell me this same man knows about women? Sure). In retrospect, Merlin’s response is hilarious, since, after Arthur’s interactions with Gwen, and the failure of said interactions, Merlin definitely knows Arthur is just a laying liar who lies, (he also knows about what he’s actually lying about) and this is the best part of the scene. They’re both on common ground. Merlin is hiding his magic, and Arthur is hiding his own feelings, much like his manservant, except that Merlin believes Arthur wouldn’t reciprocate. It’s like they both know what they are actually telling each other, but can’t really say it out loud. Meanwhile, Arthur is hoping his words would make Merlin stick by his side, rather than by someone else’s.

D) “The king would have your head, if he found out.” Uther would have Arthur’s head, if he finds out about his son’s affections for Merlin, a man, in the same way Uther would have Merlin’s head, if he finds out about his magic (or his feelings for Arthur, for this matter). Therefore, Arthur is projecting everything he’s saying onto Merlin. It’s a warning to himself. Arthur’s refraining himself from doing or saying something he knows it’s impossible for him to have.

C) “Stick to girls who are more… How can I put it… On your level.” Arthur isn’t on Merlin’s level, and Merlin isn’t on Arthur’s. And they could never be. Not in this case. Arthur cannot be in a relationship with him, so they will never be on the same level as partners.

D) “She can’t be your friend… Let alone anything else.” If Arthur is really referring to Gwen here, instead of Merlin, then why does this phrase make no sense? Arthur is friend with Gwen. He knows that they truly love each other, and that one day, when he is crowned king, he will marry her. That’s the only thing Arthur has always been sure about, and maybe has doubted only once or twice. But if Arthur was, theoretically, to marry a man, who is also his friend, then his phrase makes total sense. And it changes meaning. Merlin can’t be even a close friend, let alone Arthur’s lover. In a world where queerness has to be hidden much like magic needs to be, Arthur cannot be seen being that friendly with Merlin, who, ops, happens to be a man. “I can’t really be seen buying my servant a drink.” As he says in season one, Arthur is very aware of the situation he and Merlin have been put in. So, no, she can’t be anything else, but Arthur isn’t afraid of telling Gwen of this, especially when he realises what he feels for her, so why should he feel differently now that he saw Merlin might have affections for Morgana? Arthur wants Merlin to stay alone just a bit more, much like he is alone, in a world that’s against who he actually is. He wants an ally in his loneliness and isolation.

E) “You can’t hide anything from me, Merlin.” Arthur says it in hope that his message is clear, satisfied that Merlin is going to be his just for a little longer (this man cannot, for the love of him, communicate feelings, let’s all forgive him). And Merlin responds with, “wouldn’t dream of it”, because he longs to be the only one by Arthur’s side too, but he also knows that it’s not going to be like that forever, and that his dream is going to shatter, once he’ll realise he could never be with Arthur romantically, and he has to give up his feelings for the greater good (like always).

2) The facial expressions:

These speak louder than words. Merlin’s eyes, as soon as he realises what Arthur’s talking about, flicker closed and open so many times, disbelief painting his features at how Arthur could even think that Merlin, of all people, would want to be with Morgana, when he has already sacrificed everything he is and had for Arthur and his sake. It’s almost as if Merlin’s grumpy that Arthur could think that, and Arthur watches in the distance while he speaks, as if melancholic over something that hasn’t happened yet. And before parting ways, we can see Arthur’s eyes linger over Merlin’s face, his neck, as he squeezes and pats his palm over Merlin’s shoulder, testing to see if he can actually be true to his words and not do anything else. It’s almost like Arthur is telling Merlin that they could part ways together, if only he was more courageous. But they don’t, and things stay the same. And when Arthur actually goes away, Merlin’s smile fades so quickly, we can see he wants to follow Arthur like always. It’s a metaphor of how, in this case, they would always have to keep apart.

3) Last, but not least, Arthur’s touches:

He can’t seem to let go. He watches Merlin entirely, scanning him up and down, before deciding to go with his plan and placing his palm on Merlin’s shoulder. And he does not just place it, oh no. He guides Merlin the entire time he speaks. And Merlin doesn’t move a muscle (I swear the pat on the shoulder is their mating dance). Homeboy’s touch starved, so Arthur makes sure Merlin watches him while he lingers his caress, and listens to him, and Arthur has the bit of freedom to touch him. Merlin’s body automatically turns into Arthur’s grip, without complaint, because that’s where he belongs, and the both of them are aware. Arthur crushes Merlin’s shoulder, and let himself be vulnerable, even if only for a small fraction of time, before going away with everything he has stored for so long already: Merlin, and what he harbours for him on a daily.

I think the real meaning behind the scene has been hidden like in so many other ones. Gwen could be described in the same way Merlin is often described, so that no one would question the scene further, except that I did, and I made it much more homosexual. I believe Arthur’s words were meant for Merlin and Merlin alone. And deep down, Merlin knew all along too, but didn’t act on it, on none of his feelings, incapacitated after Arthur’s so many warnings.

If Merlin’s secret to hide is his magic, then for Arthur, it’s his queerness.

Two side of the same coin and all that. *angrily shakes fist in the air*

[girlpetrarca]

gang I'm not sure I have the courage to come out to my boxing coach

[inquebrar]

QSMP was one of the projects that had one of the biggest personal impacts on me. since i was younger, i have always been fascinated by getting to know different cultures and learning new languages ​​has always been something that captivated me. although for years i have "been part" of many fandoms and followed different projects, series, groups and things like that for years sometimes, but i just had my interests without having no one to talk with and share it. so this was the first time that i really participated actively and was so engaged in the "fandoms" i'm part of, to talk about it, share my theories and analyzes and stuff like that. so at the beginning (and tbh i still feel a little) i was always very nervous to talk about it or talk with other people in general (especially in a language that is not my mother tongue) because it was something so out of my comfort zone, but through qsmp i learned more about cultures and languages ​​that before i didn't even thought about learning, i felt the desire to continue learning languages ​​that i had left aside, i felt more proud of my nationality, i met very kind people from different countries, it brought me a lot of joy seeing many people starting to learn my language too and see so many people who like the same things as me who share opinions and interests and even people who speak my language who are also very engaging it's so cool to see and the whole feeling of unity, comfort and cultural mix between different people made me extremely passionate about this project and the things it provided.

but unfortunately, recently it has been very difficult to deal with the excess of negativity and heavy topics and serious matters that came to the surface and started to accumulate with disappointments and overwhelming things that i had been feeling for a while. having hyperfixation on qsmp stopped being something that motivated me and brought me happiness, it started to affect my mental health in a bad and unhealthy way, which already hasn't been so good in the last few days. so i thought i'd just vent a little so that maybe someone who is in a similar situation and having similar feelings to mine will feel less alone or a little more understood.

i heard Quackity's recent statement and i was relieved to see that he handled the situation responsibly and addressed the matters without taking away the importance also genuinely apologizing, it was a difficult and sad situation to witness in general but with the server closed on a temporary break, i really hope that he now stays informed and aware of how his team is working and how things are happening behind the scenes. i hope that this brings more organization, communication, correct and respectful treatment to all those who work to maintain the project with care and commitment, and i hope things get an extremely significant change and that everything improves from now on. i still have a lot of love for this project and i want to believe things will be more positive again, but in the meantime i hope that everyone who was affected by everything that has been happening takes care of themselves and always remember that you are important, your feelings are valid and you're not alone. speak up when you feel the need, when you feel disrespected, when you need help. also don't forget to be kind (to yourself too) and i'm waiting for better days.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIII THABK U FOR THE TRIVIA AND ASHE SONG before i take forever 2 answer those or forget here is a blank ticket to please please talk about prime defenders and their AWFUL emotional literacy and processing skills i would literally love to read that essay so much ive also been thinking about it incessantly. big eyes staring up at u.png. ok ok peace out GOODNIGHT !!!! <33

i lied actually im not going to bed im judt thinking about this ans listening to St. John on a loop now. hello catkiss.gif i forgot how youve filled me with so much joy. that cat is so fuckign cute

anyway. hi :) prime defenders huh. this is gonna be less of an essay and more of a sleepy ramble but ohhh i have so many thoughts. they all process things so differently and none of them are good at it they all need therapy so bad. ms.g where is the hero therapy why didnt you build that into w.a.t.c.h ma'am

vyncent is probably the best at actually processing things out of all of them, he just internalizes everything to the point where he wont talk about it unless hes pushed past the breaking point. vyncent is actually very.. emotionally intelligent? i want to say mature but that feels like im singling him out because hes the oldest. i just feel like because he grew up on Fauna and had to be in basically survival mode in a world full of monsters trying to kill you.. that makes a person grow up quicker than they should. i think vyncent had a good childhood and for the most part his parents took good care of him but just.. living in that world doesnt seem like it leaves room for a whole lot of expressing emotions. vyncent is good at quick analysis of a situation, but unless a problem directly interferes with the current goal he doesnt externalize it to everyone else. but bottling up his feelings and emotions just builds up pressure over time until something like the lich makes him blow up and let it all out at once, usually in a dramatic monologue format bc condi is really good at those god damn it. also they played off the fact that vyncent said all of that to the lich and then missed his attack as a funny thing but i like to think of it as. he got too overwhelmed w his emotions and lashed out too soon it made his fighting messy. vyncent is so angry and honestly after what hes been through he deserves to be !!!!

william wisp. my boy. god hes just like me fr so much so that it physically hurts sometimes. anyway. i always think back to the scene where theyre all in the cabin talking about themselves/sharing backstories and william keeps desperately trying not to talk about himself. the fact that hes so ashamed of his powers he hides wisp form every time. two of his powers are LITERALLY a) turning invisible and b) turning intangible, usually as an excuse to leave whatever situation hes in ("accidentally" falling through the floor at opportune moments in season 1) . theres. a thing that happens at the end of episode 13/beginning of epidode 14 that youre really close to and i wont spoil yet but god it has to do with this so extremely much please come back to my inbox when you get there. youll know what it is trust me. um. yeah. so anyway. i think a lot of this comes from a place of. he doesnt want anyone to be scared of him. williams not stupid hes incredibly smart and insightful he knows his powers are objectively SCARY. hes scared of himself constantly, he doesnt want anyone else to feel that way about him, so he shifts focus whenever those aspects of himself are brought up because if someone were to think about it for any amount of time theyd realize the truth that hes scary and dangerous to be around (<< william logic. hey remember how one of the reasons he originally left deadwood was because the monsters there were attracted to the wisps and therefore Him so he left to keep his friends/family out of danger)

i think a lot about williams death and the immediate aftermath, i dont know how much you actually know and how much of this comes later but . how does he go home after waking up from that. his parents know about his powers, so they MUST know what happened. what do you think he told them when he god home muddy and dirty and broken and probably bloody after being missing for. god knows how long. how does he look his mother in the eyes and tell her her little boy is dead. but hes also not because hes standing right in front of her. how the fuck do you think he felt the first time he went into wisp form and saw his body laying there !!! of course he wouldnt want to talk about that!!!! youre gonna have to pry william wisps emotions from his cold dead hands !!!!!!!

dakota's response to the ashe situation was to run away in the woods and do nothing but train for 10 months. he didnt think about it for 10 months. i dont even have a whole lot to say about dakota other than like. stunned silence whenever his inability to process trauma is brought up because grizzly does such an incredible job at being like "you ask dakota how hes doing and his face is just blank" << paraphrased actual quote from an episode i cannot remember which one. either 11 or 12 ?

also because im thinking about him im including ashe in this. we didnt get to see a whole lot of his canon reactions to extreme emotional situations so a lot of this is just coming from My Mind but ashe seems like hed be the type to repress a lot of his emotions too. being alone in your house/in your room for extended periods of time will do that to a guy. i think he feels a lot of things and will probably very openly cry/scream/get angry when hes alone but as soon as he knows another person is there he can immediately flip the switch to turn it all off like nothing happened. very much a deadpan "im fine." if someone asks how hes doing, even if hes got like. the remainder of tear tracks down his face. cannot physically express his emotions in the presence of someone else

[branwhen-will-the-pain-end]

I feel kinda guilty whenever I see an au where Kieran is only missing one eye cuz I took them both from him 🥲

My "Kieran "lives"" au MAJOR POINTS under the cut, minor points omitted cuz it would take hours to write out and explain everything and at that point it's just. A fic.

Editing to add I'm old and been in fandoms for a long time and stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I write what brings me catharsis. It's okay if it doesn't appeal to you but please don't yuck my yum. I like wringing the pain out of characters like an old dishrag.

(CW mild suicidal ideation, also SPOILERS)

(still a work in progress as I think and write but yeah idk)

- Both eyes removed

- Feels an absurd amount of grief and pain for leading the O'Driscolls back to camp. He equates this with "talking" and begs anyone to kill him. Says he doesn't want to live like this anyway. Mary-Beth is hurt by this but she refuses to leave his side.

- They get out chapter six. Dutch didn't want to let them go despite Kieran being BLIND and VULNERABLE TO PINKERTONS. Move in to Trelawny's old house in Saint Denis. (He moves because he worries his family has been compromised.) This house is behind a perfumery, where Mary-Beth works while she's writing her book. (Kieran loves how she smells nice.) Mary-Beth worries about Kieran and the stairs every day.

- This is something I'm passionate about when it comes to Kieran, idk how anyone else sees him, but he NEEDS a sense of purpose. Losing his eyes made him feel useless and having to rely on everyone all the time? It really brings him down. Mary-Beth finds him a job at that small horse pasture north of Saint Denis! All he does is brush horses and clean saddles (Branwen lives there and is kinda his seeing-eye horse) and barely makes any money but it's not the money that's important to him, it's the SENSE OF PURPOSE.

- They have a daughter named Delaney. Mary-Beth calls her by her full name, Kieran just calls her Laney. (on the topic of nicknames, Kieran calls Mary-Beth just "Beth") Laney is a daddy's girl who loves horses, going to work with him, and she talks and hums a LOT. Kieran loves this, he always knows where she is. He's brushing a horse in silence and she's talking about how many dandelions are in the field. He's happy.

- When Mary-Beth's books start selling, they move into a better house.

- Depressing shit alert: Kieran is hanged by the Pinkertons just to make a point. They ignored him for being benign, but when the events of rdr1 happen they realize they can use him to set a precedent. No outlaw is safe.

Anyway huehuehue I love him and I love angst and maybe I'm cringe but I'm FREE