#i genuinely didn't think we would ever see him write anything in a journal at this point actually

[zalco]

[izzyspussy]

see they're legally able to do the ya-yas from the old song in the new song because when blackhands split up they did it quick and extremely painful but were pretending to do it quick and painless and so their legal proceedings with regards to who owns the music they made together were pretty lazy and legally inadvisable and they just split it 50/50 like everything else bada boom bada bing we DON'T want to think about this AT ALL just GET IT DONE lawyers!! bye!!! and they didn't even say okay this specific half of songs etc they just had an arrangement of like 50% ownership each of the copyrights or whatever (idk how any of this works or if this is even possible just go with it)

anyway so then when the new song with izzy's new band comes out where he uses the ya-yas from the old song that ed wrote about him, and the new song is very obviously about ed and is not flattering, and it's a whole thing, stede and ed's new fans are like omg you should so totally sue that guy, and it gets so much traction on social media and in music/entertainment journalism and shit that izzy and his band think this is For Sure happening, like they Are going to get sued, and so they're like covertly preparing to countersuit but not that covertly and so that gets out and then ed is like omg he's going to SUE me?? </3 but of course at the same time both ed and izzy are like I Deserve This. I Deserve For Him To Sue Me For My Own Music Because It's His Too And I Am A Monster. And I Deserve To Be Defamed Also. Because I Am A Monster.

and then they do in fact sue each other due to the media pressure and the fact that they are both so certain the other one is going to sue them anyway so they might as well sue too even though in fact actually neither of them ever had any plans to sue the other one first, and they go to court about it and it gets dragged out horribly and it's a whole circus, and izzy gets supremely villainized and loses half of the half of the fans that he "poached" by being talented and emotionally genuine in his covers and new music and people start saying he probably didn't even write any of it and the covers were just a gimmick and none of that stuff is probably true about ed and ed is an innocent victim in all this, even tho ed like publicly admits on the record that he cheated on izzy and maybe he even tries to admit that he hit izzy but stede convinces him not to put that on record just in case izzy decides to use that to for further legal action even though ed is like ?? if he was going to surely he would have already? and meanwhile stede is realizing he's maybe been very biased about this and actually izzy isn't a bad guy and maybe he's the bad guy here actually (because of course he can't conceive of ed being the bad guy, and he CERTAINLY cannot conceive of their being no bad guy and/or they're all bad guys and/or they're all good guys and sometimes good guys can do really bad shit to each other).

anyway so meanwhile, ed's new music on stede's label has been not exactly shitty because the music is reasonably interesting in sound but the lyrics are really boring and trite and ed's heart just clearly isn't really in it and he's like careening toward pop easy listening, which not to be a music elitist or anything i do like pop easy listening, but it is kind of a downfall from the progressive industrial he was making with izzy (and fang and ivan) in the pre-stede band. and like he does want to be making pop he wants that bouncy bubblegum flavor, but he can't bear to be genuine with it and reveal himself in any way and it shows. his fans are mostly people who love the idea of what he's trying to do more than what he's actually giving. (and also he knows that and pretends he's into it, that his name and his whole vibe is Enough, but also he resents those fans for not holding him to real standards and he hates himself - i mean for a whole host of reasons, but also for not meeting the potential of his vision out of, lbr, cowardice).

anyway so the suit goes thru, ed wins the rights to all their old music and also a lump sum for defamation, and technically he sued izzy's new band as a whole for this but izzy pays the damages entirely himself. and like to be fair he's rich af from the old band even tho now he doesn't have royalties from the hard work he put in anymore, so like he's not bankrupted by this but he is cut down from who-gives-a-fuck to having a monthly budget, and it also breaks up the new band mostly just because he's like i'm a clear financial liability (even tho there's really nothing else left to take legally speaking) and if you keep me on your lineup you're going to literally get murdered and die, and so he's back anonymously writing backing music for solo vocalists where he gets very little creative freedom and no credit and he hates it but he hates it less than a 9 to 5 so it is what it is. but jim and everybody still tries to hang out with him as friends and they mess around a little in the garage because they like him and they miss him and they want him to be okay and to be around him and play with him. and they leave their shit behind in his garage because none of them have really Made It yet and he's the only one with a garage to leave it in.

and so then stede has his whole crisis because he broke up ed and izzy's relationship and their band and he seduced ed to his fucking vanity label and ed's new music sucks and he thinks that's his fault and now ed and izzy aren't even friends and the wikipedia page is a blood bath and ed doesn't even know technically stede is only separated from mary not divorced and it's only a matter of time before he finds out and is he really just having a midlife crisis like everyone says? and he hurt all these people in the process? exactly like the worthless no-talent rich asshole that makes his problems everyone else's problems that izzy (among Many Others) said he was? so he cuts and runs and dismantles the label and disappears into the night inasmuch as a modern day stunt music producer can and goes back to mary and the kids and she lets him stay even tho they are legally separated and she's within her rights to kick him out, and this gets on the news cycle of course. and stede didn't leave a note or anything, so once again ed only has whatever rumors are going around to go on for why this happened.

so obviously he goes nuts. he blew up his whole life for stede and because stede made him believe he could switch genres if he wanted to and he could be good at it even though it's so different from what's expected from him with his tattoos and his piercings and his leather daddy vibes and his weird anti-vocals that simply Don't Fit the pop scene, and then he did bad and everyone hates him (not true, but it's ed) and izzy hates him (again, not true) and he absolutely thinks that destroying izzy's career and taking his music away is Worse than beating him up and cheating on him (izzy does not agree; but to be fair what he thinks the Worst ed did to him is not hitting him, not being unfaithful, and not taking away his work - all of those izzy thinks he at least is in part responsible for himself, no, what he thinks is the Worst ed ever did to him is simply. to break his heart. that's worse than anything else). anyway so ed is back on his Since You Are So Convinced That I Am Your[ Monster] I Will Be It shit, if you can really say he ever got off it in the first place (debatable).

so he turns up drunk at izzy's house and they fucking get back together. and then ed pressures izzy into inviting now-jim's band over to play and he'll watch, and he nitpicks at absolutely everything and tears them the fuck apart. but also he's still drunk and like kind of visibly crying and being pathetic even while he's being incredibly mean to them, and also he's a fucking legend surely he can't just be talking? right? some of this has to be good advice? so they keep coming back and playing in izzy's garage and getting torn down by ed. and izzy keeps trying to defend them, and ed just completely fucking ignores him, until they leave and then he's all over izzy and izzy tries to pretend to himself that this is good and it's what he wants and he wanted ed back he wanted stede gone he just wanted to be with ed this is what he wants. this is good. but they're both even more miserable than they were immediately pre-stede, and eventually izzy has to admit to himself he's actually more miserable than he was when ed was actively cheating on him which is fucked isn't it. so he tries to gently bring this up with ed - er... as 'gently' as izzy hands can fucking do anything - and ask if ed really wants to make this work or if he's just torturing them, tells him that he still loves him, the whole deal, and ed throws something at him and threatens that if he doesn't shut up he'll beat him up again, and izzy takes that as a non-answer instead of the very clear answer that it is because he's the second messiest bitch alive. and he goes to bed with ed and lets him do whatever he wants and ed cries on him and it sucks so fucking bad. and then in the morning ed is pissed as fuck that izzy didn't break up with him and condemn him and beat him up and sue and kill him or whatever, so he goes into the garage while izzy is in his dinky little second-bedroom studio recording some stupid background track he doesn't care about and he goes absolutely psycho ham and he destroys jim's and everyone's equipment to smithereens.

and izzy calls fang because he doesn't know what else to do but obviously he's not going to call the cops on the love of his life, you know, so fang shows up with ivan and ed gets a good wallop on ivan and gives him a concussion, and maybe a broken piece of equipment gets horrifically embedded in izzy's leg, but the three of them manage to get ed out of the garage and out of the house and fang gets him in one of those suffocating headlocks until he's on the verge of passing out which is basically "calmed down" or the closest to it you can get in this situation and then points him in a direction and tells him to fuck off (and then later they try to keep it quiet what exactly happened, even tho like..... what excuse can you make lol?), but not before all of jim's and everyone's instrumence and stuff is fucking trashed. and izzy has never felt more guilty for anything in his fucking life. he's certain that he's going to be tackled and killed (and he'll deserve it, just like he deserved everything else). but! this is finally the last straw for him and he tells ed - over email aslkks - that they're done For Real This Time.

izzy tries to pay the gang back for their shit but they won't take his money, but then that also means they're pretty much shit out of luck at least for a while because they're all like baristas and bartenders and shit and they can't just drop thousands on new equipment whenever they want. no more band. except they still have whatever shit izzy had in that bedroom studio and whatever shit they weren't using and was at their own houses, like frenchie's actual fucking lute. and izzy tries to give them his recording stuff, and he had an acoustic and an electric guitar up there too, and they're like okay fine but actually sike we're going to use your recording room too and since it's your room you have to be there and we don't have a guitar player anyway so there. so they start making music together again and it's fucking weird ass genre-bending shit because izzy still prefers to write in a very prog-industrial style, and jim still sings like a punk, but frenchie's on lute now instead of bass so like ?? hm. and they're well and truly a garage band now just fucking doing whatever they can do with what they've got and putting it up on soundcloud or whatever the fuck, no label, pay what you want, etc. but they're sensational again like izzy's instagram covers were because everyone's like what in the god damn fuck even is this and why does it legitimately fuck.

meanwhile, ed goes on his hermit journey of the soul or whatever, and comes out somewhat better on the other side, and he tries to re-start up the old band with fang and ivan but they're not interested, so he has to go on another hermit journey of the soul and come out a little bit more better on the other side of that one, and he decides okay you know what fuck it i'll start my OWN label. like i said he's a god damn legend so even with all the crazy shit about him being kind of legit dangerous and like beating up his partner and destroying all their shit, he still has reputation capital, and he manages to get some pretty sweet producers like spanish jackie to join up with him and get it together. he even pulls bonny and read out of retirement.

and like... he doesn't hate it. he feels like he's really making a difference, and tbh he does actually love going out to open mics and shit to find talent that's his favorite part. he loves meeting new people with new sounds and actually helping them flourish and do what they really want, and his label is wildly diverse because of it. he's doing really good work in more than one way. but it's not what he wanted. he wants to make pop music. he wants to be a popstar with an industrial rock background who has tattoos and piercings and wears leather and is an anti-vocalist. and he fucking wants to be loved for it. he knows he's doing good and he genuinely sees the value in it, but he fucking wants it for himself. not that he didn't get it with the old band doing the old thing, but still... he's so jealous of the new guard doing al this cool weird shit and getting celebrated for it when he didn't get to. but the workload of being head producer on this label is too much for him to be doing other shit too, and his hermit journey of the soul actually really did do him a lot of good (as well as, uh, his therapist lol) so even tho he frequently gets the urge he doesn't abandon everyone and try to do his own thing willy nilly. agonies.

until of course eventually stede makes his way all the way through his own journey of the soul (distinctly not hermitic) and comes back onto the scene. he's finally full divorced from mary, and they split their assets pretty evenly too, although you know more thoughtfully than ed and izzy did lmao, so he's distinctly less rich now but he still has all that rich guy investment know how or whatever, and he still wants to make music (he wanted to be a musician and he's like got a higher education in it and shit, but he just cannot fucking carry a tune tragically). anyway, so he and ed make up and they decide to take the relationship slow, but they go full speed on business and ed signs over the label to stede to manage. and finally ed gets to go back to being a star, and this time he's actually doing what he fucking meant to do when he signed with stede's original label. he actually makes really good, genre boundary pushing pop music that is fun to listen to but also artistically interesting and made with authentic heart. and he becomes just as sensational for his musical creativity and emotionally poignant lyrics as izzy.

and then stede goes ever so slightly rogue, partially out of guilt but also partially because like... he really thinks they're legitimately a good fit, he starts trying to woo izzy's new-new band to sign with him.

[keefwho]

July 11 - 2024 Thursday

10:50pm

3.5/10

Instead of cleaning today I played some VRchat and checked out new worlds hoping to meet some strangers. All I encountered were some Japanese folks. But the important thing was that I had nothing to clean and I wanted to shake things up so I shamelessly got on to do what I wanted.

This morning there was a tree in the road that mom asked me to help her move. It turned out it was much bigger that we thought so I used my survival chainsaw to cut and move it myself. I felt good about that, I did something helpful. In exchange mom took me to buy a bottle of sweet tea. In the store her friend Rick started talking to me about Home Depot and digital advertising wondering if it could be relevant to my work. I told him probably not but that it was interesting.

Work was fine today and afterwards I wrote about my insecurities. It's been on my mind a lot today and I made some good progress. I realized my need to talk about certain heavy topics so much comes from a need to know that I'm not being judged and that everything is okay. Because I severely judge myself for my issues. On and off today I was feeling super shitty and pretty good, bouncing between proving and disproving myself right and wrong. But at the core of it all was a need to face my insecurities and make sure that I do not let them go anywhere.

I skimped out a bit on work this afternoon, my motivation was lacking and I did the usual where I have a Twitch stream up that keeps distracting me. I felt lonely and that wasn't helping but also that I wasn't in the mood to socialize with acquaintances. I tried joining AE and them but I got kind of annoyed and left. I didn't do as much work on my pony avatar as I wanted today.

I found a potential new horse avatar base for DS if she likes it which would entail a daunting amount of work, but work I am willing to do. Its that weird "Im up for the potentially severe challenge" attitude. Maybe because it's for a cause I'm so passionate about, I will face anything to get it done and bask in the glory of my accomplishment.

I was very lonely this evening but I joined BD to try my damnedest to open up and chill. It almost kinda worked but everything was cut short by them all going to watch Smiling Friends which I didnt wanna do. I started thinking maybe I needed some alone time anyways.

There were no puzzles tonight because poor DS is getting to be SUPER late and blew out her vocal chords at the baseball game. I am proud of myself and feel good about the little bit I got off my chest tonight. Now more than ever I need my friends by my side, in a HEALTHY way. It feels good not being afraid I'm being too much knowing Im speaking from a more genuine place. I do not want to take from others to fill my void anymore. I will take only what is offered and source the rest myself. I want to give, I want to love. But I can only do that if I have some to spare. I need to build myself up so I can love in the capacity I want.

I also want change and thats why today I did some stuff a little bit different. Also changing how the journal is told because I'm tired of writing the same mundane stuff over and over. I see some value in documenting events like I was for analytical reasons but I dont need that. I want to write what stuck out and made the day special. I want out of my time loop.

Oh also trying to stick to the decision to just stay off of Twitter for awhile. I thought about going as drastic as deactivating my account for now but maybe I won't do that. Or maybe I will if I really want to stick to this idea.

[hieuthong]

ENTRY 10

i made it !!

Time sure flies by fast huh, can’t believe it is already the last week of writing our weekly journal. When I first started writing, the first few weeks I always did not know what to write. I’d sit in front of my laptop, frustrated in thinking of what to write, but slowly, as the weeks went by there would be something that happened on one of the days that reminded me of something that I wanted to talk about. At first, I even planned out what I wanted to write each week, but I realized if I didn’t have any form of connection(?) to it, I couldn't write as much. Originally, for this last journal entry, I wanted to write about “A Letter to my 13-year-old self” (inspired by Laufey's song) but I did not have much idea of the content, so I was going to write about my feelings throughout writing all of these past journal entries. However, I had an extra piece that did not make it for my assignment, so I decided to not let it go to waste and leave it here as well.

My parents have always advised me to avoid getting into a relationship during secondary school and to focus on my studies. I remember one time my dad threatened to send me to a boarding school if I ever dated during secondary school. But like any other teenage girl, seeing others in relationships made me wish I was in one too. Raised on a diet of romcoms, romance-centric c-dramas, k-dramas, and similar genres, it's natural that I find myself yearning to live out the romantic narratives I've witnessed on screen. Even though my parents warned me that TV romance wasn't real, I still believed it could happen to me. I guess you can say, if you are with the right person then perhaps it is possible.

            During my second year in secondary school, I met this guy who happened to be in my new class. At that time, one of my best friends was getting close to his friend, so naturally, we all ended up hanging out together. At first, we were just talking as friends but as time went on the persistent teasing and pressure from our mutual friends, and maybe because of that, I started to develop feelings for him. I wouldn’t say it’s completely because I felt the need to satisfy them though because I know deep down I did have genuine feelings towards him. Things were going well between the both of us, our feelings were mutual, and he was planning to ask me out but there was a problem, I wasn’t allowed to date, at least not until I was working. y parents, as strict as they were, made it clear that if they found out about any relationship, things would turn sour very quickly.

            However, we never got into a relationship, we found ourselves in a, as some might call it a ‘situationship’. which is a romantic relationship between two people who do not yet consider themselves a couple but who have more than a friendship. Looking back, I realize that perhaps it was for the best that we never officially became a couple. Our differences became increasingly clear over time; he craved constant attention and devotion, while I cherished my independence and personal space. Our conflicting needs and expectations eventually led to tensions and misunderstandings.

Since it was my first ‘relationship’, I did not know much about anything. During secondary school, I had a time limit for how long I could use my phone, I told him about it and he understood. Whenever I got to use my phone I would text him then go off the app to another and talk to my other friends. He was upset about that, he asked me why I always went offline right after replying to his message, accusing me of not wanting to talk to him when in fact all I wanted was to spend some alone time scrolling on other applications.

Ever since then, my feelings for him began to fade gradually but I was still uncertain of it. It started with him constantly wanting me to talk to him and eventually escalated when he became upset because I didn't reply to him while I was out. He expressed what he was feeling to me, at that time I did not know what to say or what to do so I just told him I was sorry and would be better. However, I began to realize that this dynamic wasn't healthy for either of us.

            Feeling uncertain about how to handle the situation, typically I would go to my parents but I couldn’t possibly talk to them about this so I told my closest friend. I told her what I was feeling and that my feelings were on and off all the time. She advised me to talk to him about it, and hopefully, we can figure something out. I did not want to admit it, I was in denial, but I realized during our conversation that I had lost interest in him. I have always been very passive, I often avoid conflict and confrontation as much as I can so naturally I struggled to bring up this topic to him. Thankfully, my friend came to the rescue, she informed him about my feelings. This prompted an honest discussion between us, leading us to mutually acknowledge that we weren't compatible.

            Throughout this experience, I've come to understand the significance of my independence and the importance of having personal space in a relationship. This does not mean I’m not willing to invest my time and effort for my partner rather, I value being respected to have my own alone time. However, this encounter has altered my brain in some way leading me to believe all relationships require constant attention and devotion. While I understand that not all relationship follows this pattern, deep down I bear the fear of history repeating itself. This fear has an effect on me causing me to be hesitant to enter into a new relationship. Before entering my current relationship, I had to face my inner fears head-on. Despite my partner’s assurances that he would respect my need for personal space, I still felt hesitant. After much internal debate, I made a decision to take a big step and to let go of my past fears, after years of avoiding and running away from it, it was time I take a leap of faith by giving the relationship a chance.

While writing the journals, I realize a lot of entries are about past memories. I know I’ve always been someone who likes looking back at the memories made in the past but I never realized how often I think about them. Writing about them gave me a bittersweet feeling. One part of me feels sad that those days are over (I literally cannot let go of the past) and the other part of me feels satisfied of what I have right now. But after writing it down, it feels as if I have moved on from the past and is embracing the present. Instead of letting my thoughts live in my head rent free, writing these journal entries was a great way for me to let it all out. Even though it is a chore to do it weekly, but as I wrote more it did not felt as forced to when I first started, I ended up enjoying it a lot. It turned into a space where I could pour my feelings out although there weren’t much.

That is all for this last and final week of my journal entry, thank you Ms Ashley for reading it every week. I will be signing off for now. (Except I will be back to post my other two assignment)

[thecarriebradshawproject]

7/12/2023

Journaling has always helped me in my life. Ever since I got a My Secret Journal when I was a kid. I continued to journal here and there throughout my life, but I always come back to writing about my feelings.

Now that I am writing my feelings on a blog, I truly feel like Carrie Bradshaw (hence the name).

Anyways, I have been in a depression SLUMP! There was signs of it coming, but I didn't have the energy to fight it. It wasn't hurting anyone, but myself, if I sat around all day. Never did anything but numb my brain to get through my days. It really does sound depressing...

I have struggled with depression since I was in about 8th grade (woohoo the American education system failed me). I have struggled with anxiety my whole life, I just didn't realize it until later. This is mostly because anxiety presents itself very differently in children. I was constantly getting sick before school, I would cry A LOT, and I always remember my parents telling me I am like Charlie Brown... So yeah, I have always been an anxious person.

So, I will be 25 next month. My frontal lobe will finally be fully developed. That means it's all downhill from here, right? I mean, I love my career and I can see myself being at my company for years to come. However, it feels like every other aspect of my life is constantly in shambles.

I have some great friends and such a loving family, I really do, but I am not always the best friend or family member. I am not going to lie, I am the person who flakes (sometimes last minute), and I am not scared to turn down invites either. Which makes sense why I am not always invited to things. I really get it. But... I am still feeling so distant from everyone in my life. I get I am not in my hometown anymore, but we are all in the same state! And it feels embarrassing to reach out to someone and basically tell them that I am mentally unwell and I need their support in this not fun time in my life. Sounds like too much for me, so I can only imagine how other people would respond.

I try to keep conversation lines open, but it is so easy to get "busy" or distracted in adulthood. I get this is apart of life, but I cannot recall in my life when my parents did not have their friends around constantly. I remember my mom being on a bowling league, going to concerts, hosting card game nights. I remember my dad racing throughout Michigan, celebrating birthdays at bars, and his bestie would stop by for coffee on most Sunday mornings, even if it was just for one cup.

I love my parents friends and they definitely feel like family. I have joked before that I could show up to my parents' friend's houses unannounced and I would be accepted in with open arms and no questions asked. They all agree this would be true.

Now what do I do when I do not have friends? I know I have not gotten to that yet, but if it keeps going like this, I could see it happening. Can I make new friends with such strong bonds? Will I even make new friends? Will I always just be a miserable person?!

I don't try to be miserable, but I can't help it. I get so sunken into my depression, that I can't even mask it. I always drain poor Justin's energy. I know it can be exhausting dealing with dealing with poor mental health, and I am scared I will continue to push him away. I wouldn't want to marry someone who may just give up on life...

I am slowly sleeping and numbing my way through life. This is not what life is meant to be or at least I don't think it is. However, I have no idea how to fix the damage I have caused to myself... Or how to have a fulfilling life to start with... Is it money, love, family, a career, or maybe even traveling? Who knows? I sure as hell don't know.

Hopefully, I will start getting more direction/answers in life. Hopefully, I do not become a cranky depressed woman who dies alone. I want to be able to reflect on genuine happy moments in my life. I am terrified that it might never happen...

Wish me luck! I truly need it...

[9tzuyu]

dissolve (rewrite)

natasha x reader

note: this was just a huge vent fic idk. these type of fics seem to be the only thing im okay at writing. mistakes are mine as always. but i did proofread, yay!

if you want to read the original (as awful as it is) you can read it here!

wanrings: this heavily revolves around eating disorders.

i’m not tagging anyone because the content isn’t really the lightest to read.

words are used everyday, everywhere – whether to describe something or someone. there’s thousands upon thousands of them.

so you were having a hard time figuring out why you were struggling so much to justify your feelings through the basis of words. it was unnerving, draining and very annoying. your emotions should be simple, right? you were either sad or happy, angry or scared. but there was something more, something unexplainable. saying you felt alone only scratched the surface of the wave of emotion that took over. it was excruciatingly painful, far worse than any physical pain you ever had to endure. and for some reason it seemed to come crashing down at night while natasha slept peacefully. you weren't exactly sure how to express your emotions to the extent you felt them. how else was anyone supposed to understand your pain? they couldn't, not unless they could somehow shift into your body and feel your emotions themselves. but that was merely impossible as such powers do not exist. so you were inevitably stuck with words foreign to your lips. over the years you were deemed unsafe, a hazard, "an accident waiting to happen" you recall one doctor say. everyone’s eyes were on you at all times, monitoring every little movement you made. it was suffocating and at times doing more damage than good.

as an adult now you learned how freeing it could be without the fear of gaining weight or eating a bowl full of rainbow marshmallow cereal. your worth was not defined by your weight.

(at least that's what you believed prior to any relapses.) everything was going well in your life. you were a college graduate working as a psychiatric nurse and you had found love, something your teenage self could only dream of. natasha was by your side through everything. and really, the only downfall in the relationship was that she had to travel a lot for her job. but you were secure enough in your relationship not to worry or decide to call things off. in the end natasha always made up for it when she came back, so you couldn't complain too much. things were going well for you, really, they were. until they weren't. (and you didn't know why.) it happened out of nowhere. work was a little more stressful than usual, but it was nothing you couldn't handle. natasha had been away for three months, only stopping by a few times to check in on you. but again, your wife being away for so long wasn't anything new or worrisome. the two of you had followed the routine of her leaving and coming back more than a thousand times; yet somewhere along the way you lost yourself. food became less of a priority, your hunger decreased drastically, and within the first month you'd lost thirteen pounds. it truly was an accident, slipping into a full blown relapse was never part of the plan. but thirteen pounds lighter you wanted more, to feel small again. you didn't have an answer as to why you became so attached to your eating disorder, but it didn't seem like it would be letting go any time soon. the rate at which you were going natasha would most definitely be able to see a difference; not only on your weight, but in the person you once were. she'd ask what happened and why it happened, poking and prodding for an answer, but you didn't have one. so here you stood in the kitchen of your shared home, a cup of sliced fruit in one hand and your cell phone in the other. you poured the fruit into the bottom of a blender along with a spoonful of yogurt and half a cup of soy milk. another half cup of ice followed suit. while the fruit blended, you shamelessly scrolled through your instagram. there was nothing interesting going on in other people's lives, you didn't even know why you had social media in the first place. it was dumb, and quite frankly you didn't give a shit whether or not sharon went to the beach. the sound of your blender coming to a halt brought your attention back to the real world. you poured your smoothie into your water bottle. the green liquid would be your breakfast and lunch for the day - dinner was still up for debate. a soft sigh left your lips. work was beginning to feel more like a chore and less of something you enjoyed. you were quickly growing tired of it. nonetheless, you grabbed your keys and rushed out of the door.

you thought about the irony of working as a psychiatric nurse with an undealt eating disorder telling teenagers how to deal with their own issues. you felt hypocritical to say the least, especially given that all the nasty side effects were starting to make themselves known.

your hair was beginning to thin, small clumps of it already starting to fall out when you tugged a little too hard. bruises could be seen scattered left and right on your body, and you were cold. god you were cold. your fingernails were tinted blue, warmth seemingly too far out of reach. you looked ill, and it didn't go unnoticed by your coworkers.

a few hours into your shift you found yourself sitting behind the nurses station filling out paperwork. lunch had passed and when your coworker, steve, asked if you were going to eat something you lied straight through your teeth, telling him you'd grab something when the patients were eating dinner.

but steve rogers could read you like an open book. he knew you were lying because he already knew what was going on. the signs of an eating disorder were quite obvious when you were a licensed therapist. and despite your futile attempts at hiding it, everyone could tell something wasn't right.

steve played it by ear for weeks until he contacted natasha, but by then you'd already lost a considerable amount of weight. as soon as she heard the news, natasha booked the next flight home. unfortunately for her though, there was only one flight and she would have to wait two and a half weeks before being able to leave.

you didn't know it, but those were the longest two and a half weeks natasha ever had to wait.

– patients were having group therapy, so you could tune them out - not that you should, but it was hard to focus when the only two things you could think about were food and your weight.

the need to lose weight sounded so stereotypical for someone with an eating disorder, but honestly it wasn't about that. it was never about wanting to be thin. you genuinely didn't know why this was happening. the only thing you noticed was how rewarding it felt seeing the number go down, as if for you were good for becoming less. it was addictive. and it didn't help that you based your entire worth on how much you could lose.

the next time you stood up from behind the nurses station steve met you in the the cafeteria. while the patients ate you took occasional sips from your smoothie. the bottle was still full of its contents from the morning. you had completely forgotten to drink it during the day, but you didn't seem to mind it that much.

the surprise touch of steve's hand on your shoulder startled you.

i am gross, you thought. do not do that.

steve caught onto the slight flinch your body produced as a reflex, but he didn't say anything about it.

"you can leave early, boss said so."

he laughed as he saw confusion plaster your face.

"what? no!"

"go home, seriously. we have this handled. you know tony doesn't like being told no."

you bit your lip, puzzled by the sudden request. most people wouldn't mind being sent home early, but all it did for you was give you a level of anxiety reserved for food.

what you didn't know was that natasha was home waiting for your arrival. she came back just short of an hour after you left for work.

while you were gone natasha made a few thorough rounds in the house looking for key signs of your eating disorder. there was bound to be evidence given that you didn't know she was home.

unsurprisingly, natasha found a glass scale beside the counter of the bathroom floor along with empty bottles of laxatives in the trashcan. the food in the fridge had been expired a few days past their date, giving her the indication that you weren't eating as much as you should be. her concern grew even more when she found your food journal on your nightstand. flipping the pages, natasha could see that throughout the moths she'd been gone your calorie intake had decreased significantly.

guilt began to gnaw at the back of her throat.

during the few days natasha stopped by, she hadn't noticed anything wrong with you. but then again she knew most people with eating disorders were very good at hiding them up until the point they were discovered. three days wasn't near enough time for her to catch onto your tricks, not when her mind was still focused on her job.

natasha always listened intently whenever you would talk about your eating disorder, the first time being six months into the relationship on a date you felt like you had ruined.

but talking about it was much different than experiencing it with you, natasha had never done that before up until now. she read nearly every article there was about anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and ednos. sometimes when you were asleep she would watch documentaries on the disorder, always making sure to keep her volume at a low level.

the videos that hurt her the most were the ones teenagers struggling with the simple task of eating food.

(although natasha knew it wasn't that simple.)

it hurt because she knew that was you at some point in time.

upon your arrival, natasha cooked dinner. she wanted to hold onto the one sliver of hope that steve was wrong - that he was just overreacting - but she knew in her heart he was right about his assumption. however, dinner would only confirm what natasha so desperately wanted to deny.

when you walked through the door you were greeted with the overwhelming scent of food. you cringed at the thought of having to eat, but as soon as you looked up to see the redhead who'd been gone for so long your frown was washed away. a wide smile overtook your face and you rushed to jump into natasha's arms.

"i missed you so much," you whispered. "i thought you'd be gone for another few weeks?"

natasha's arms found their way around your waist as your legs wrapped around hers. "what? i can't come home early to surprise my wife?" you giggled in the crook of her neck. she smiled feeling the vibrations against her skin, happy to know that you'd missed her just as much as she missed you.

she sat you down, back facing you, she tended to the food. "you've lost weight," she commented, not missing the sharp inhale of your breath.

"how was work, nat?"

she nodded to herself. yeah, she didn't expect you to be so open on the first try.

"it was fine. dinner's ready, i made your favorite!" natasha threw a smile in your direction as she carried the plates over to the table. she had hoped to see your face light up the way it used to, but seeing the panicked look in your eyes further confirmed your relapse.

if nothing else, natasha wanted you to have a meal before she brought up the conversation.

"great... i love it, thank you nat!" your attempt at being enthusiastic failed miserably and you knew by the look she gave you, she already knew what was going on.

but throughout the meal, and despite the shakiness of your hand as it gripped the metal fork, natasha didn't say anything.

you weren't really sure which was worse; being confronted or knowing the both of you knew what the other was thinking and still not addressing it.

natasha's meal was good, you couldn't lie about that, but each bite you chewed caused the tightening in your chest to constrict further.

now you couldn't be good. or worthy. or deserving.

nat took away your plate when you were halfway through. she knew your limits, and she didn't want to push you too much out of your comfort zone.

"go change, i'll wash our dishes. meet you on the couch?"

you did as you were told, taking as long as you could to do so. except this time was different. you didn't glance in the mirror like you usually did, you chose to fully take in your figure.

what you saw was not what you expected to see. for the first time in months you saw a version of yourself that wasn't twisted and turned to be something you didn't know was real or not.

your skin was dry, hair thinned out beyond your belief, eyes sunken and dark underneath. the revelation gave you an odd feeling – was once again something unexplainable, unjustifiable by words.

good.

that was how you were supposed to feel, right? after all of this time, after the many pounds of protection and warmth lost, you were supposed to feel good.

but you didn't. and you never would.

there was something so surreal about the realization of your own destruction. you were aware now, which meant you had to either take responsibility or choose to lose everything you worked so hard for.

"y/n?"

your wife's voice snapped you out of your gaze and you scrambled to pile your dirty clothes and rush out of the bedroom.

as you made your way into the living room you could feel the intensity of natasha's gaze. any other time you would not mind her green eyes looking at you, but this time around you felt like you were in trouble.

she patted the empty spot next to her, to which you reluctantly joined. but even after everything you still tried to play it cool.

"what's up? is everything okay?"

she gave a low chuckle, "you tell me."

"what do you mean?"

"oh i think you know what i mean."

natasha’s reply was met with the loudest silence you ever had to sit through.

she bit her lip, "you know i got a call from steve a few weeks ago. he's concerned about you, and from what he's told me so am i."

you were quick to respond, automatically knowing what steve’s phone call was about. "i'm fine. so what if i've lost a couple of pounds? that doesn't automatically mean that im relapsing, natasha."

your quick snap reminded natasha that this kind of confrontation was like walking on eggshells.

she tilted her head, licking her lips. "i'm here with you, always." nat put a hand to the side of your face, gently rubbing her thumb at the top of your cheekbone. "i'm here."

it seemed pointless now to try and say anything because your secret was already out.

your mind began racing back and forth.

you wanted to keep what you knew best and natasha understood that. even by reading your body language she knew what you were debating.

"you know, to keep it you have to give it away." your eyes darted to meet hers. "mhm. you can still have that piece of you. mourn it, grieve it, do whatever you need to do to move onto a stage where it doesn't hurt you. and from there you can help other people, share your experience, let yourself heal by helping others."

she paused, “we all have choices. some of those choices are taken from you while others leave you with only one option.”

although what she said seemed to resonate with you, there was one thing still holding you back.

"i just want to be good."

natasha hummed. you had explained it to her in the past, though your words were jumbled together as you tried to describe it.

"you can be good in other ways. you're allowed to live a life outside of the barriers your eating disorder puts in the way."

you swallowed the lump in the back of your throat. "i don't even know how it got to this point. in january i enjoyed ihop and dennys. in february i could have oatmeal and bananas, sometimes half of a sandwhich if i was feeling brave. now it’s march and i only eat one or two things a day. the idea of having a full meal makes me want to cry. and i just- i don't know how to stop."

natasha wouldn't show it, but your words cut through her heart like a knife. her mind wandered briefly to all the teenagers in the documentaries she'd watched, hoping you weren't too far gone into your eating disorder to ever come back. those cases scared her the most.

"you've got my complete support. you've tackled this before, maybe this time you can beat it? i know its easier to abuse your body instead of growing comfortable in it, but i think you’ve got this. i know you do."

"what about your work?" your question caused natasha to frown. "you think i wouldn't set my job aside for you?" you shrugged, it's not like you felt like you were worth being taken care of anyway.

natasha grew hesitant to tell you her news, but did it anyway because she’d rather you hate her than see you dead. "i've already made some appointments for you. the first one is tomorrow morning."

"i figured you would natasha. it's okay."

you spaced yourself out the rest of the day. each time you made the executive decision to recover, whether that be a genuine recovery or not, the process never failed to remind you that even trying to recover from an eating disorder felt like mourning the loss of a friend who was never good for you in the first place.

[ajokeformur-ray]

What if they do come out with a new Joker movie, and he doesn't fit how you see him? Like if his personality if changed or he does stuff you don't think he'd ever do. Would he still be your f/o? Would you accept it as part of him, or would you decide to ignore it as canon?

Hi nonnie!

This is an interesting question; I've been considering it for much of the day.

To be honest, I didn't think Arthur would be the kind of man to commit murder, to lie, to steal, to sneak around past security and impersonate figures of authority (the theatre scene where he steals the red coat)... I didn't think he'd do any of those things during the first, what... twenty minutes of the film. But he did. And I didn't like it. I still don't like it.

Same as I adore Joker with all of me, but I don't approve of or like a single thing he does. I don't approve of or like the murder etc. etc. I didn't want that for Arthur and I know he didn't, either. I didn't want Arthur to become who he did, and I don't like who he is at the end of the film. Do I love Joker? Oh, yes, you all know I do. So much. It burns even all these years later. But I wanted for him was a place of healing, of getting genuine help, of receiving the therapy he needed and becoming... basically the total opposite of Joker.

Again, I love Arthur in his entirety, I do, but my point is that, already from 2019, I don't like or approve of MANY things Arthur did and I never wanted to believe he was capable of those things. I wanted home cooked meals and a soft bed for him. I wanted him to receive therapy, medication, help, support, LOVE. I wanted all of those things I write about in the hundreds of fics I've created over the years but the tragedy of Arthur is that, what he so desperately wanted was what he also needed, but he didn't get ANY of it. I love Arthur so very much - and when he becomes Joker, I love him, too. But that doesn't mean I agree with anything he did crime-wise.

I admire the trying, the want, the fight, the yearning, the way he got up and faced each day and did everything he was supposed to - therapy, medications, his journal etc. - but he still fell, he still became who he did. And I never wanted that for him, not just because it's incredibly unhealthy and dangerous, but also because he deserved better every single minute of the 2019 film. But I loved him then and I love him now, and he's been an F/O for all these years. I still wear the rings, I still can't sleep without the cushion or my clown blankets, etc.

So if we get a sequel - and I lowkey hope we don't because I am VERY scared that they'll assassinate Arthur's character and undo all of the nuance that Joaquin and Todd gave him and I just don't want them to undo all of that gorgeous, beautiful and groundbreaking work - and Arthur yet again does something I don't agree with? Well, that's okay. I'll love him still. Just as I'm sure that I do things he wouldn't agree with sometimes, but if we were together? He'd probably love me even still, for my mistakes and through them.

Arthur is Arthur, no matter what, and I love him ALWAYS.

[gh0sture]

Under the Sea

Trafalgar Law x gn!reader

Part 2, Meet the gang

You've never been particularly good at meeting new people or making good first impressions for that matter but this, by far, has to be your worst one yet. Your clothes are soaked still, your hair a sticky mess from the saltwater and your mouth is opening and closing lika a fish gasping for air as it flaps around on a bridge after being caught. It's not one of your best looks you'll admit but it is all you can offer at the moment given the circumstances.

You try to form coherent thoughts, you really do, but this is just way too much for you to take in. He reaches a hand out and you flinch before grabbing it to make an awkward shake.

This isn't just insane. This is completely knock-your-socks-off bonkers.

You feel as if you were looking at the golden gates of heaven themselves, not daring to look him in the eyes out of fear that you might go blind from the sheer radiance of his aura meanwhile the man in question just looked at you blankly. Possibly with a hint of disgust. Definitely a bit of disgust.

"The name's Trafalgar Law, captain of Polar tang" his handshake is firm and he looks at you expectantly while retrieving his hand and crossing his arms over his chest.

Neither of you say anything. He clears his throat but you give no reaction. Still staring at him like a five year old looking at a blackboard of university level algebra equations. He grimaces slightly at your behavior.

"Are you ok? I don't remember finding any trauma to your head, you should be fine" he grabs your chin and tilts your head around to inspect it disapprovingly in search of an injury. Although, he is an expert doctor so he would never miss any injuries, his pride wouldn't let him. This does nothing to soothe your symptoms though and doesn't exactly help with calming your heartbeat at all.

"I wouldn't have missed anything what's wrong with you" he mutters to himself when you finally managed to collect yourself enough to remove his hands.

"uhh no! no, i'm ok! thank you for ,uh, saving me by the way" this is the best and worst thing that have ever happened to you.

"it wasn't my choice" he deadpanned and turn back into the room to get a den-den mushi with a familiar penguin hat on it. Its so strange seeing on in real life. Although, you don't know if this is real life (is it just fantasy?). He proceeds to make a phone call (mushi-call? den-den call?) into it while you shift awkwardly on your feet in the hallway. Your feet ache from walking on the metal grid barefoot you had barely noticed until now. After exchanging a few words he walk over to the desk where he'd previously  been sitting and open a journal, presumably to continue doing whatever he did before.

"One of my crew members will be here shortly to get you settled for now and give you some necessities. We reach a port in nine days where you can leave." his voice was calm and composed, like pouring molten chocolate into your ears even though the words themselves were less than pleasant. When he spoke you could feel your knees get weak and you feel tempted to ask him a question for the sole purpose of hearing him speak more. God this man was hot. You nodded at his statement at first, not really paying attention to what he had actually said until you realized that nothing he said had been actually registered in your head.

"Wait, what?" you asked. He doesn't look up from his writing but you can hear the mild annoyance in his voice when he answers.

"Looking at you, you are rather ill equipped for staying here until we reach a populated island. Since you don't have any money or anything valuable, my crew will provide for you until we reach the port where you can find another ship to go back wherever you came from...Whatever weird country that's supposed to be...Now go down the hallway, He should be there already to help you so leave me alone" you get the feeling that you'll loose a limb if you stick around longer so you turn to head down the hallway and find "Him" who you hoped would be more polite.

"Not that way" you hear from the study and you turn around to head down the other way, somewhat (very) embarrassed.

You really wished that your first time meeting a celebrity would've gone better, but then again they do say that you should never meet your heroes. Was he always this rude in the series and book? Sure he came across as a bit of a tsundere but he seemed at least approachable in the series. You don't have the charisma or extroverted superpowers that Luffy have so that is probably an important thing to consider. As you head down the hallway you come across a man walking in your direction pretty soon. He seem far more ok with your existence and even appear to lit up a bit when he sees you and give you a friendly wave. This is already going a lot better than last time.

"Yo! You're the one we found floating around yesterday! Nice to meet you, people around here call me Penguin" He gives you a wide yet genuine smile as he grab your hand and shake it enthusiastically before you even have the chance to reach out.

"thought you were a goner when we found you haha!So it's good to see that you're up n' about, c'mon let me show you a round!" he turn around to walk from where he had just come from while you follow behind him silently.

Penguin makes it his personal responsibility to keep a conversation going even if it's pretty one-sided but it's nice. Comforting even, as he went on about how nice the other crewmembers are with the exception of the captain but you shouldn't take what he says too personal as he's a bit misunderstood. He  ask you different questions like your name, where you came from, complimenting you on your weird clothes, although it feels like that was mostly him being polite and you didn't have heart or energy to tell him that you're wearing PJ's. He doesn't mind your short answers and seems satisfied with the information he's able to divulge. To be fair you aren't sure how to answer since you don't know how you ended up here but also out of fear of ripping the space-time continuum open by telling him forbidden knowledge about his universe. It would be rather awkward explaining to him that you know a lot about them and what they've done/are about to do. You've technically stalked them through tv and books and if someone told you that they've been watching you, you would freak out. Rightfully so too. They might even think that you're a navy spy sent to gather information action for their arrest and they could kill you. Yeah, this is a mess and a half but you'll burn this bridge when you get to it. You did tell him your name though and he doesn't seem to suspect you working for some nefarious organization so all is well.

He showed you where the important places in the submarine was such as the kitchen, living quarters, rec area and bathrooms. You still have trouble telling up from down will undoubtedly get lost but he assures you that after a while you'll know this maze like the back of your hand. After leaving the living quarters he guides you to the top deck to find someone else he says will help you so that he can get back to work.

The yellow ship had surfaced at a deserted summer island and everyone was outside enjoying the sun after spending several days in the dark of the ocean. You hadn't been down in the submarine for that long , at least not while being conscious, and was already getting a bit unnerved over how cold and cramped it was. As soon as the warm rays of light hit you both the cold and your worries melt away.

"Hey Ikkaku! You have to help the drifter get some clothes!" He yelled at a woman laying in a sun-chair on the deck with her eyes closed. The familiar heart pirates uniform was open to reveal a green tank top and an orange and yellow striped hat was laying beside her.

"Haah!? Why do I have to do it?" She sat up to glare at Penguin and was about to protest when she spotted you behind him. One second you were hiding behind Penguin and the next you're face to face with a very pretty woman with very poofy hair. Her glorious lion name bounces a bit as she hold up both your hands in hers and lean over a bit to stare into your eyes. Everyone is so tall here why is everyone so ridiculously tall. Anime proportions are wild.

"Oh my god!! We were so worried about you, we thought you were dead when we found you!" You felt uncomfortable with her being so close to your face and politely thanked her for saving you while doing your best to avoid eye contact.

"Oi! Where's your manners! They've been through a lot being stranded in the ocean have some respect!" He bops her on the head and she lets you go to tell him off (and/or punch him back) but she remembers the shiny new toy in front of her and settles for staring daggers at him instead.

"Oh shut yer trap" She stares at you intensely as if to make sure you wouldn't run away or vanish into thin air. It's kind of nice being fawned over like this, and clearly the crew enjoy having a visitor.

"It's so nice having a fresh face around, It's been years since Captain let anyone new stay onboard  and being stuck with all the same jerks weeks on end gets a bit tiring you know. Now come on and let's go find you some proper clothes!" She grab your hand to drag you along back into the dark,dark depths of the submarine.

Oh joy. more cold, feet grating and claustrophobia.

"You're a bit smaller than everyone so we should probably ask Uni to sow it in for you if it's way too big" She says more to herself rather than you while handing you the classical white uniform with the heart pirates logo on the chest over your heart.

The woman who's name you had learned to be Ikkaku turn around and continued rummaging around the small closet in front of her in search of more clothes for you while you change into the white uniform when she isn't looking. It feels incredible to finally get out of those damp and sticky clothes and into something soft and warm instead. You are also the proud owner of a pair of fuzzy socks and black boots. Your poor abused feet are overjoyed that they no longer have to walk the metal grid of a thousand needles. Life is good.

"Once we get to the port of Pellar island you can probably trade your way to some more clothes but this should be fine for now"

In the little time you had spent with her you had learned quite the few things about the crew on the ship. For starters there were 21 members in the crew (including the captain), You were lucky number 22 according to Ikkaku, even though you aren't a part of the crew it's apparently better to have an even number of people aboard the ship. And hearing the stories of what they've been through it seems like you're their new rabbits foot. Since you're considered baggage or fancy cargo rather than someone useful she gives you some times on how to stay out the way, especially out if the captains way which you feel is probably a wise decision but you offer your help should she need it in the kitchen which she greatly appreciates. You hate feeling useless.

You can't help but wonder where you are in the Once Piece timeline as you rolled up the long sleeves of the uniform on your arms and legs for comfort. Had Luffy and Law already formed the alliance? Were you before the timeskip and the incident at Marine Ford? Maybe you were even ahead of the manga and anime itself in a future arc even. You were snapped out of your thoughts when Ikkaku pushed a bundle of toiletries into your arms involving a towel, a toothbrush, and a bar of soap.

"We haven't figured out where you'll sleep for the moment but it'll work out soon enough. Otherwise you can just sleep in a spare bed in the infirmary but come help me gather food from the island! We don't want to get scurvy while we're submerged!" She drag you away towards the deck after leaving your things in her room for safe keeping for now.

This woman is going to pull your arm off.

She seemed very sweet but all the touching and stereotypical anime arm-pulling is weird since you have literally just met. The way she smiles while asking you about your favourite foods and how she excitedly plan different recipes out loud make you almost forgive her though. Almost.

You move sluggishly towards Ikkaku's room to get the only material items you currently own in this world. Foraging for fruits and herb until nightfall was tiring but at least you didn't have to carry that much stuff, a guy with a black pompadour haircut had come along to help carry the crates of stuff you and Ikkaku gathered. He seemed very nice too, somewhat cocky though. You had asked Ikkaku for information on a certain Straw-hat pirate while making small talk and have come to the conclusion that he probably hasn't even started his adventure towards becoming the Pirate King yet. She didn't know who you were referring to and was even showed some seagull newspaper from their library but no info of the gummy monkey man could be found whatsoever. Since you recall him making news very early on in his "career" it's fair to assume that he hasn't gotten up to his mischief yet.

It feels a bit weird to be honest. To be in the prologue of the story like this and you have no idea what kind of things anyone other than the Strawhats and Luffy had been up to since the story followed them, maybe some vague details about Law's past and fragments from some characters backstories but this is all uncharted territory. Your thoughts are interrupted as you suddenly bump into someone and fell backwards. You reach your arms out like a bad imitation of a seagull in attempt to grab the wall but someone grabs you before you manage to take hold of anything. Your grab their shoulders to steady yourself and let go once you're back on your feet but they don't remove their hands from you. You look up to thank them for catching you when all the colour drains from your face and you realize who you're standing prom-slow-dance proximity to. It is but the one and only person you'd least want to embarrass yourself in front of. Again.

"Do you have a death wish or are you just plain stupid 22-ya" He looked down at you with what you assume to be the ghost of an amused smile or slight disgust. Probably disgust. Again. while you're distracted by his closeness and the humiliating event that is currently taking place. It could be much worse though, right? you can salvage this situation probably.

"Crap, sorry I was just zoned out.." You tried looking anywhere but his oh-so-handsome face to avoid you making this anymore awkward than it already was. You are not immune against handsome people after all. You tried moving away from him slightly but his hands stayed firm on your shoulders and could feel his gaze on you like needle pricks on your skin. you definitely do not dare looking him in the eye.

"You have to look where you're going or you might get seriously hurt next time" He mused. He may be attractive but he's definitely a jerk.

"It's impossible to see down here it's so dark..." you mutter under your breath and quickly move to side to walk past him, he let's go this time rejoice that your attempt to escape the harassing captain is successful, desperate to get away from this weird atmosphere you have created. Unfortunately for you, the universe have other plans  as he start walking behind you in the same direction you are and boy, is it awkward.

After a bit of walking you start to get a bit suspicious though. Was he following you around, waiting for you to get lost so that he could make a smartass comment about it? He is the kind of person who would find great amusement in petty bullshit like that for sure but then again you do have a tendency of assuming the worst in every situation. You decide to test this theory out by steeping to the side and make as much room as you could in the hallway and drop down to pretend fixing your shoelace. Instead of trying to walk past you he stops completely right behind you. You move as slow as you can without arising suspicion but he so kindly wait patiently behind you. When you're done "tying your shoelace" and stand up to continue your journey he follows close behind.

Oh hell no.

You can handle rudeness but this is some psychological warfare or foul play that you want no part of. No matter how handsome the guy is you will not stand for this kind of fuckery. You make a sudden halt and quickly turn around to kindly tell him to fuck off.

"Do you need something from me?" you ask with as much calm you can currently muster, irritation building up behind your customer service smile but he doesn't say anything and only look at you with the same dumb face as before. Almost like he's sizing you up before a fight. Possibly with even more disgust this time.

This Motherfucker.

When he still doesn't say anything for several seconds you just decide to be the bigger person and turn around to start walking again. Of course, with him still following you. It's better to just ignore him and he'll go away, you know where you're going. You finally reached Ikkaku's room and gather up the few items that belong to you when he finally speak up.

"You don't have a room assigned yet right?" You gave him a somewhat puzzled look. That's what he needed to know? That is why he followed you?? To ask you this???

"No? why?" You admit cautiously, almost preparing for him to start fighting you or using his power to "confiscate" one of your organs. For a brief second you could've sworn you saw a mischievous glint in his eyes you know that something bad is brewing. The cogs of evil are turning in his mind and you know that whatever comes out of his mouth next will undoubtedly mean bad news for you.

"I have an idea"

[chaos-writes]

The Lost Boys: Road Trip

Based on one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had. Word count: 2,255. Implied romance with the boys and Star. Tw: none.

“I’ve always wanted to travel and go sight-seeing without any real objective, like moving,” said Lucy, in a dream-like tone. I chimed in, “I’ve had a cross-country road trip planned out for quite a while, but I’ve never had anyone to do it with.” “Oh really?” Lucy asked, “Where to?” “Well, it’ll be a round trip with touring both going and coming back. I'm hoping to go through Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, Kentucky, then we’ll go north, through Ohio, and Michigan, then come back home through Wisconsin, Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Oregon, then through the top of California all the way back home.” “Oh my goodness! That sounds like a dream, but also a lot of gas money,” Lucy exclaimed. We laughed.

 

“It really would be, but I have the money saved up in a debit account, so hopefully it'll cover it. There’s also hotels, toll bridges, food, water, all that fun stuff,” I giggled. “But it would be worth it, I have tons of film for my instax camera, and a couple journals to write down my experiences.”

I gestured to her, “I have a couple extras for people that want to tag along,” Lucy smiled but quickly frowned, “Oh, I would love to go, I really would, but I have to work and look after the boys and their grandfather,” she mused. I chimed in, “It doesn't just have to be you, you know, I’ve got quite a few people in mind who could benefit from traveling.” “Well, I'll have to check with my boys and my boss. I’ll let you know if I can or can’t as soon as possible,” lucy said, with a look of disappointment in her eyes. I nodded in understanding and smiled, “Well, whenever you do let me know, I wouldn’t be upset if it was a no. I would be sure to share every detail with you, though.” “Oh, thank you for understanding, it means a lot to me!” “No problem. Well, I guess I'll be on my way then,” I said as I opened the front door.

We said our goodbyes and I headed out on my motorcycle to go and see the boys. It’s getting dark enough out where they should be slowly getting up by now. I wonder if Laddie and Star are there, too. They usually are, but sometimes they’re out and about, since they can handle sunlight a bit better than the rest. I park my bike and I can hear distant yawning and mumbling from where I'm standing at the cave entrance. They all start to float out and stretch one by one, Dwayne being first, Marko being second, David being third, and Paul being last. Of course Paul is last, he’s the heaviest sleeper. This road trip would be nothing to him, if they all agreed, that is. I just have to do some convincing.

Marko slipped his jacket and boots on, and the rest followed suit. They’re all quiet when they first wake, that’s why I don't ‘show up’ until I start hearing conversation and laughing. However, I’ve got to wait for the perfect time to come in, when they’ve been talking for a while and can actually think. “I wonder what Michael’s been doin’” I hear Paul say. “I don’t know Paul,” David sighed. “Maybe he’s been avoiding us…” He paused for a minute, then said, “Anyone hungry yet?” a wave of “not me’s” and “mm-mm’s” spread across the cave. I hear Dwayne grab a torch, light it, and begin lighting the cans all around the cave. The -now illuminated- boys begin bantering about who they should target next and what they plan to do for the day- well, night.

As a result, I put on my big-kid pants and stepped into the cave. They all turned to me, Marko exclaimed, “Hey! There you are!” “Hey guys,” I said, waving. Laddie ran up to me and hugged me from the side. I patted his back and ruffled his hair. Star smiled at me as she greeted me with a wave. I smiled back. Marko and Paul ran to me and squished me in their arms.

“I have something to share with you guys. An idea, really,” I said. All the boys looked at me in curiosity until David spoke up, “Well, what is this… idea of yours?” I beamed at all of them and said, “You all know how much I like going on adventures…” they looked even more puzzled now. “So, how about I take everyone on a really big adventure? A road trip!” They looked contemplative, as if they were considering going or not. “I could go alone…” Paul's and Marko's eyes widened, “But I much prefer having company with me, especially on trips like these.” Dwayne piped up, “So... where would we be going?” I smiled and pulled out a map, “How about I show you guys?”

The boys, Laddie, and Star crowd around behind me as I point around a U.S. map and explain where we’re going and what I'm planning on doing. I point all over the map and across the northern states. "We can add on a couple more destinations if you'd like… this is just more of the baseline plan." "Are we going to any big cities?" Marko asked. "Hell yea! And we're gonna go touring at night and see all the pretty lights and stuff. It'll be so fun!" "I'm down!" Paul says. "Me too!" Dwayne chimed in. "I wanna go!" Laddie exclaimed. Star smiled, and turned to David. The rest of us followed suit. This… is it.

I smiled at David and asked, "So, leader of the pack, are you in?" He paused. We cautiously awaited his answer. Laddie's eyes met David’s as he silently pleaded to go. David finally broke, smiled, and said, "alright. When are we leaving?" The cave uproared in a fit of whooping and hollering, mainly thanks to Marko and Paul, and Star picked Laddie up and twirled him around. "You won't regret this!" I said to David over the noise. "Well, I'm actually looking forward to it." He said. 

We left to go grab a bite to eat, the boys did their thing and I took Laddie and Star to a little Italian place on the boardwalk to eat. I told the boys to meet us there when they were done. “You sure about all this?” Star asked. “Absolutely! I like having an adventure crew. I'll admit though, it's gonna be a little different with a youngin' on board,” I laughed.

After a while, Lucy finally agreed to go with our party and told her boys to look after one another. We all packed our clothes and bought some more for the boys. They needed clothes that were fit for the amount of walking. I also couldn’t let anyone see my boys in blood-stained clothes in public, we’ll look like we got in some freak accident. I rode my motorcycle and directed the boys to my place, where we have a big Volkswagen bus parked out front, fit for a party of eight. Lucy is already there after a phone call telling us she would meet us at my place. We packed our bags into the trunk, all 4 boys could fit their bags into one suitcase with vacuum seal bags, Star and Laddie share a backpack, Lucy has her own suitcase and I have my own backpack. There's a box of toiletries for us all, except for Lucy, who decided on keeping everything of hers separate from the others, which is fair enough. 

It was 9pm, and we made sure everyone went to the bathroom and was all taken care of before we took off. The first drive is twelve-and-a-half hours, from Santa Carla to Salt Lake City, Utah. We toured the entire city on foot for a few hours, and decided on the next driver to take us to our next destination. Before we left Salt Lake, I put all the pictures I took into a scrapbook and wrote down the notes of what happened that day. “Hey, guys? If you want a journal to write anything down about the trip, I have a few extras here! And we can go over everyone’s journals and keep them in a safe space after the trip!” I said, as we all piled into the bus. David, sitting in the same row as me, turned to me and said, “I’d like to document what i’m experiencing. It’s a good idea, considering we’ve got a lot of…time left” he paused. I gave an understanding nod and handed him a journal. Star, from the third row, said, “i’ll take one!” 

We continued across the country and journaled, and took as many pictures as possible. I will never forget how genuinely happy all the boys were, they were so used to the boardwalk and now they get to go places. Laddie would bounce around happily when we toured around on foot. Star and Lucy spent their time quietly admiring land and cityscapes. The boys would get rowdy and restless at night, desperate to get in a fight or two. I've had to intervene more than I want to admit. But overall, they were well-behaved and did great throughout the trip.

The most precious memory to me, though, is when Dwayne, Paul, and Laddie grabbed me to go for a walk. At this point we were in Cincinnati, we checked in a hotel for a couple days, just on the water. A few of us wanted to go walk on the Purple People Bridge before we left. It was getting dark out, so we held close together. We walked across the bridge, Dwayne carried Laddie piggyback style and Paul and I were walking close by. We got down far enough on the bridge that we were close to the water. The sound of the river was calming, less rapid than the water outside the cave. I pointed out all the boats on the water to Laddie and we watched the water and the city in front of us.

What the boys didn't know was there was an event going on in the city. Some sort of charity event, I was never really sure about that part, but what I did know was the boys were really gonna like it.

"Hey, let's stay here for a bit. We're not in a hurry!" I said. "Umm… alright then," Dwayne said. Paul looked at me in confusion, but didn't say anything. Laddie was falling asleep on Dwayne's back, but Dwayne didn't seem to mind.

Soon, lights flicker on, one by one, lighting the whole city in blue. "Look Laddie!" I said while tapping his arm. He hopped off of Dwayne's back and stared at the illuminated city. All of Cincinnati was now an icy blue, and I will never forget the look of wonder in Laddie's eyes. Paul and Dwayne shared the same look as well. We were all starstruck as the night sky before us lit up in a beautiful blue. Paul's smile slowly grew and he giggled. I looked at him with a questioning look.

He turned to me, and said,"Thank you. This is… was, amazing. I don't think you know how much I appreciate you. This…" I smiled and wrapped my arms around his waist. We held each other close as the city behind us twinkled and glowed. Footsteps came alongside us, the rest of the party decided to try and find us. "Looks like you and Paul are having fun," David said. I wasn't even mad at the joke this time. "We really are, why don't you join us?" I asked. David smiled and ran his fingers through my hair. He wrapped his arms around me from behind as I was hugging Paul, so I was sandwiched between them. Marko stood beside us all. David saw and invited him into the middle with me. I turned around and squeezed Marko as the others adjusted.

Laddie was excitedly pointing out every detail to Star, Dwayne and Lucy and bouncing in pure joy. "Laddie seems to be enjoying this the most. I'm so happy I get to show him these beautiful places." I said. "I will never forget the look on his face for as long as I live."

The rest of the trip went smoothly. We stopped in big cities, small towns, natural parks, and got to see part of Canada from the upper peninsula of Michigan. I wrote down two journals' worth of notes and had to buy another scrapbook to fit all the pictures I took. 

Surprisingly, the whole party responded well to the really long drives we did. When we made it home and said our goodbyes to Lucy as she drove to her own home, it was like this weight was lifted off of us as we stepped into the cave. No more stress of travel, a place to stretch your legs, a place to just be... in peace. Laddie hugged me as Dwayne went around and lit the cave up. "Thank you so much," he said. "You're welcome, little dude!" I said. "Yeah, thank you!" Marko and Paul chimed in. Star walked up to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. "Thank you for doing all of that for us," she said. "You really didn't have to." "I know, but I love you guys. The least I can do for you is take you on one of my adventures." 

[etlunainmorte]

The Sick Rose ( V X Reader )

~ A request by a lovely friend from Twitter about a Modern College AU V helping a dear underclassman reader with her assignment. I hope you like it.

***

There. He saw her sitting on her own again on that old bench next to that tree.

And this time, she's reading something. Seemed like an old book.

She never noticed or suspected anything. Or maybe he was just too careful not to be noticed. But, whatever the case was, V would always see her sitting there, alone, and minding her own business. And she would never notice anything else while she's preoccupied in that tiny, private bubble of hers.

Normally, V would be minding his own business, as well. Either going to his next class alone while streaming Paganini or Debussy on his phone for his ears only, or listening to his best friends, Nero and Nico, talk about their favorite games and movies on their way back to their dorms. V has always been preoccupied with something else to notice anything.

Until this freshman, that is.

It began just a little over a week ago. And it was during one of those rare occasions where some seniors would get the opportunity to observe the junior literary classes. Or sometimes, take over as "assistant professors" for these underclassmen for a while.

During that time, the poor professor had to go to the clinic due to a very unsavory reason he opted not to disclose, and kindly asked V to take over for the meantime. He was teaching the comedic works of William Shakespeare.

While most of the students were clearly bored out of their own wits ( some were extremely interested for reasons V chose not to overthink about ), he noticed one person who looked genuinely interested in the topic.

That girl from the last row.

V noticed how she listened to every explanation and every word he said. Every so often, he would see her nod as she took some notes. And one time even, she tried to raise a hand to ask him something but, she somehow withdrew at the last moment. V honestly wondered why, because he would've gladly answered any questions she would ask.

The next day, V noticed her sitting on that bench with her headphones on while doodling something on her tablet. He tried to get her attention but, he chose not to since he didn't want to bother her, or anything. And the day after that, on that very same spot he saw her writing something on a journal, still with her headphones on. Either way, ever since that impromptu Shakespeare lecture, V found himself somehow a bit drawn to her and her sunny, and yet curious vibes. He would be lying if he told himself that was not the case.

It all began just a little over a week ago, and she didn't even notice him looking at her, not even once.

However this time, V noticed there was something off about her. Like something changed in that light - hearted disposition of hers that always drew him in. He tried to pinpoint what exactly, and after a short while, he noticed her intense facial expression as she poured all of her focus on that old book she most probably borrowed from the library. There was something a bit tense in the way she flipped those pages, the little trembling of those fingers as they moved, and the way she curled her lips as they slightly opened and closed when she read.

And most importantly, it looked like she needed some help. An urgent one.

Excusing himself from his two best friends, he composed himself and went towards her. Brushing an almost invisible crumb off his crisp white shirt, he cleared his throat and thanked the Gods above that he somehow remembered her name.

"Miss (L/N)?" He awkwardly began. Then, seeing that she didn't hear him, he spoke once more. "Miss (L/N)?"

Oh, the way her eyes widened when she finally noticed! The way that mouth of hers dropped and the way she almost lost her composure the moment their eyes met.

It's as if the girl didn't really expect that he would casually approach her like this.

And honestly? It kind of made V's heart jump. But only a little bit. He really wanted to help her, so he tried his very best not to get swept off by his own emotions and focused on the problem ahead.

"Mr. Sparda!" She stuttered, scrambling on her feet. "I d - didn't expect you to - "

"Please, no need to worry." V reassured her as calmly as he could. The girl remembered his name as well, and his traitorous heart did more than just jump this time around.

Relax, V. Relax. He thought. You're here to help an underclassman.

"You seem to be,... ahh,... having a little difficulty on that,... book of yours." V went on, in a voice he hoped was calm enough. "Would you indulge this fool and let him help you with whatever you need?"

There. He said it. Did he sound too strange? Was he too forward? Did he sound creepy? She did look like a meteor has just crash landed in front of her.

But, whatever the case was, there's no turning back now.

"Umm," She began as she handed V the old book.

And by Jove! V almost flipped when he realized what it was! It was none other than Blake, himself! His favorite poet!

"I quite don't understand William Blake." The girl went on. "His words are simple and yet, when I try to explain them, or make sense of them, ahh,... I don't know! The words just avoid me." She collapsed on the bench and sighed as she massaged her temples. The works of Blake seemed to give her such headaches.

Sitting right next to her, he asked, "What do you find difficult about Blake's work?"

"You see, about this rose thing." She said, leaning slightly closer to him as she pointed at some words on the book on his hands.

Her hair smelled nice,...

No, V! Focus!

"I don't know if it's talking about an actual plant, or something that is actually sick,... "

"Love."

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh! I mean,... " And for a moment there, V felt his sweat run cold the moment he uttered that word.

And the girl? She seemed to tense when she heard the very word.

Like he somehow hit a deep chord within her.

"The Sick Rose is about love."

"Love?" She repeated. "You mean, a sick kind of love?"

"Well, yes." V said with a knowing smile on his face. "You know the saying love is blind? Most of the times, love prevents you from seeing the whole truth. Thus, the invisible worm."

"And the crimson joy?" There. Those glistening eyes of hers as she hang onto his every word,...

"The crimson joy means deep, dark love. The kind of love that destroys the purity and innocence of the rose."

"I,... see,... " The girl uttered, more to herself than to V.

Seeing that she's still not somehow convinced, he explained further. "You know when you love someone too much to the point of blindness, it destroys not only the person but yourself, as well. The true meaning of your feelings would be replaced with that of obsession, of selfishness. Of destruction and corruption. Of wanting this person only to yourself and no one else's. You keep this person enclosed deeply inside your own affections until the purity and innocence of their own feelings towards you die. And sometimes, this sickness grows too large, it affects other people as well. And that is the death of true love, as we know it."

The girl pondered for a while, thinking about everything V has just told her. Then, after a while, she shook her head as she grinned and chuckled to herself. And V found this quite amusing.

"Yeah, like," She said in a low voice, like a penitent confessing her sins before a priest. "You're loving someone too much, you fail to notice how destructive it has become to them and to yourself. The invisible worm. I get it now." She faced V once more, and with a bright smile, she said, "I guess I don't want to write an analysis on The Sick Rose, after all!"

This made V's eyes wide with both shock and surprise. "Oh, that's,... I see! Well, you - "

"But, thank you so much for your help, Mr. Sparda. It truly feels like you've taken a peek inside my deepest and darkest secrets."

"Pardon - ?"

"Can you help me choose a different Blake poem, instead? Something that feels lighter and brighter?" And just like that, after having a small glimpse of her own precious thoughts, V felt that she closed her doors on his face once more. Of course, there was something more about this girl, something that made him see a different color about her. Something,... intense for a change, that clashed with that sunny vibe she often showed to most people. And to him.

And it made her even more interesting to V.

This mysterious girl,...

... he has to know more about her.

"What about The Cradle Song?" V offered as he gestured towards her headphones that he saw peeking from her school bag. "We can listen to the actual song instead of me explaining it."

The girl smiled and she nodded, accepting the offer. "Sounds good to me."

It was safe to say that V and the girl has established some sort of solid connection between the two of them after listening to that song. Afterwards, she even recommended him one of her favorites, a song called Honesty by someone who wears pink and sweats a lot. At least in V's understanding of that particular band's name. Nevertheless, V enjoyed that one, and more other songs she recommended whenever they get the chance to see each other, whether to study, read books, or to just hang out.

As friends? Maybe yes. Maybe not. Who could say?

All V knew was that he was glad he approached her that day when she needed help with that Blake poem analysis. And those conflicting feelings she chose not to reveal at first.

***

[redjaybathood]

Jason had a diary before he died and he still keeps journals after the pit

After Master Jason died, his room was untouched. No wonder: Alfred was careful when dusting there not to move anything out of place. If Master Bruce ever visited, early in the mornings, perhaps, when the rest of the household went to sleep, who would know with his talent of not leaving a trace? Mistress Cassandra never was interested in her second oldest brother, and Master Tim had preferred to talk to his ghost, preserved in a glass case downstairs.

Master Richard, for all he was mad Jason Todd "stole" his room as well as his place at Batman's side (his place as Bruce's family), never even breathed of getting his room back.

Even after Master Jason came back, and Master Bruce threw every little thing out. Or, rather, asked to do it from Alfred. It was the cruelest way his charge ever shoved a weakness to Alfred. It was the only thing that allowed Alfred to save an item of his he kept in a locked box in his room, since. It was a notebook, unlined, only halfway through it contained the unruly penmanship of the boy whose hand could not keep up with the speed of his thoughts.

He did not read it. It seemed insulting, somehow, to do that without permission. Almost as insulting as allowing the glass case to stay when the rest of the past has been retired.

Then things changed, somewhat. Master Todd and Master Bruce reached an equilibrium. While the former was not invited to any family dinners or portrait sittings, he could freely visit the Cave.

Alfred dreaded the moment Master Jason would ask about his old things. His books, perhaps. His guitar. His journal.

He had not. He already knew: one time, he could not stop staring at the corner the glass case stood in.

"Why didn't he got read of it with the rest?" he asked, no one in particular, and so no one has given him an answer.

Acknowledge it, and you would have to acknowledge he broke into Manor, perhaps more than once. It very well could disrupt the fragile state of peace between them all.

Sometimes, Alfred thought he is a coward.

Thankfully, Master Jason was not.

They started their little rendezvous at a cafe where his childhood friend worked (she had not ever recognized Master Jason; Alfred was not sure, sometimes, if he was not deluding himself thinking he did).

During one of these meetings, the boy asked, who exactly disposed of his things, in what manner. Alfred confessed, with some trepidation. Master Jason only sighed, looking relived.

"I'm glad it was you," he said. "If it was him or - any of his new kids... I feel like they would either go through everything with magnified glass, or burn it in a huge bonfire. You, ay least, knew to give away my stuff to library, to shelters, to people who could use it, you know? That's what I would have wanted."

And that was as good time as any to admit that not everything was disposed of.

Master Jason actually smiled at that, embarrassed.

"I really thought I can publish it someday, can you believe that? Heavily redacted and, like, twenty years after we retired, maybe."

"I do not see any reason why not," Alfred said.

Master Jason waved his hand around.

"Nah. It would lack the culmination. Seeing how I wasn't around to write the ending. And stuff I'm writing now... 's different."

"Different how?" Alfred was genuinely curious.

"It's still a journal. Just... I dunno. The mood is different. The protagonist has changed so much so suddenly, readers will accuse me of OOC."

"Did he. So far, I have not seen any proof of that."

It could be taken wrong, Alfred knew as soon as he said that. But Master Jason only frowned and shrugged.

"Maybe I should mail you the rest, you will see for yourself."

He did not look too certain in his offer. Alfred did not push.

Then, Master Damian died. And then, he came back.

Master Jason, however, had not. He left Gotham under his own volition, and he was good - or, at least, alive, seeing as he did get around to mailing Alfred his journal.

More like assortment of notes, really. Paper he wrote them on was obviously a lucky find most of the time. The oldest were almost unintelligible, due to both shaky hands and the soft texture of parchment, as well as rambling nature of the words.

Alfred was not of a weak heart, but he decided to start at the ones dated the latest.

"This one time," it said. "I was truly happy. Not for long, just after I got rid of all my memories and before I found out I'm a murderer. Makes a guy wonder..."

Alfred read it all. And the unfinished journal of the boy who once lived there, too.

He kept everything Master Jason sent him in that same box in his room. He was the only person, as far as Alfred knew, that Master Jason trusted with its contents.

And then Master Damian stole it.

[go--ask--alice]

Ephemeris

One

Alice Napier.

To say I am merely happy is an insult to the english language and to the emotion in itself. I feel as though I am in a state of euphoric bliss!! Yesterday may be the single most incredible day of my life. The runner up being the first time he said 'I love you' and a close third that night on the rooftop in London.

Being that this is the first entry into my new journal, let me get out as many details as I can, for posterity sake!

This had to be the most traditional non-traditional wedding that has ever taken place in Gotham City. It pains me to even write this but I fear that the man officiating lastnight is probably dead in a ditch somewhere! Otherwise only myself, J, and the ever loyal Frost were in attendance but it was still a lavish affair. Unlike most bride-to-be's I was left in the dark for most of the planning of this wedding. He kept mumbling something about "project: royal wedding.." and "must be perfect!" then scooting off to meet with Johnny. This went on for a good month or so after we got back from overseas, and while I knew it would be a very short engagement I did not expect that by year's end we would be married.

We had returned to Gotham just in time to see the leaves change color. No sooner had the first snow fallen was I informed that we needed to pick a date. After much consideration and bickering it was decided that we would be married on the first day of winter. The snow would be blanketing the earth and there was the perfect little space on the far edge of the property. A small alcove of trees obscured it from any prying eyes that may be keeping tabs on my elusive Joker and it allowed us the privacy that J so desperately strived for.

The one thing I was given control over was my dress. The only soul to see it besides me was the seamstress that created it. J had relinquished this tiny bit of power to me so it could remain a surprise for him until yesterday, you can never say this man isn't a traditionalist! The woman who made the dress has worked for him for years and is responsible for many of his most iconic looks. If anyone has ever come across The Joker when he purposely places himself on display in one of his clubs has seen her exquisite work. My needs for the dress were few; I insisted on pure white in the finest silk available, a (faux) fur capelet, and Chantilly lace imported from England. Beyond that I let her have fun, I trusted the final product would rival anything J was planning to wear. An apprentice of hers was tasked to tailor J's suit for the ceremony as well as both of our shoes which were custom made and imported from Italy.

I woke up yesterday morning at the literal crack of dawn with as much excitement as a kid on Christmas morning. To the best of my knowledge J didn't sleep at all which isn't a surprise but I didn't even hear him come upstairs, he was supposed to be sleeping in the room across the hall for the night while I stayed in our bedroom. I'm sure he was holed up in his office til all hours of the night, my beautiful brooding man.

There was a note slid under the bedroom door from my love. That note will be between these pages forever.

Knowing that I wouldn't be seeing him until the afternoon I had to calm my nerves on my own and resorted to taking an incredibly long bubble bath followed by some tea and lunch in my room. I began the arduous task of getting ready a few hours before I was due to head downstairs. Frost had my dress delivered to the room sometime in the late morning and refused to give me any clues as to what J had in store for us, though he did seem genuinely excited and I even caught a grin on his stoic face.

I am no professional but I think I did a pretty wonderful job with my hair and make up. Dark and classic. My hair left long and flowing just how I know my J likes it. I had it re-dyed not long after we came back state side so the sapphire blue was as vibrant as possible. My make up was a bit harder to pin down, I've learned in our time together that smudge proof is my best friend! A dark smokey eye and deep crimson lips, the lipstick imparticular needed to stay in place as the our night began.

I managed to be ready and downstairs mere minutes before 3:30 and as I descended the stairs I was met with quite the sight. Johnny Frost in the most dapper suit I've ever seen him in was anxiously tapping his foot and checking his watch while peaking out the large stained glass doors. No doubt unsure what to do if I was late coming downstairs. After a few moments I had to put him out of his misery and make my presence know, the look on his face was pure relief. I can only imagine the stress J had put him under to get everything ready, perfectionist is an understatement when discussing The Joker.

Wordlessly I linked my arm through his waiting elbow as he opened the door to the garden. I can only hope to transcribe the magnificence that awaited me on the other side! The sun was low in the afternoon sky, this being the shortest day of the year, and it illuminated the pine trees that bordered the back of the property. On the ground was a path of small blue lights like will-o'-wisps just starting to glow leading through the trees to the small clearing where I knew my love was waiting for me. As we began to walk I was hit with a wave of emotions so strong that I stumbled for a moment and Frost had to steady me. He leaned down and in his gruff voice whispered, "I've never seen Mr. J so excited, he really does loves you Miss Alice." This of course only spurred on my emotional roller coaster and I squeezed his arm as confirmation that I was okay to continue.

Inside I was an absolute wreck. I was literal moments away from marrying the man I had dreamt about for years, obsessed over in the media and in print, the man I isolated myself from the world for. He could have killed me the moment we met yet somehow here I was about to vow my life to him again this time officially. I will never say that I am the woman who fixed The Joker, there is no fixing his tortured soul, but I genuinely believe I have opened his heart and proved that all creatures are deserving of love. That we all have someone that sees we are worthy of that love.

I was so lost in my own thoughts that I almost didn't realize we were only a few steps away from the tree line, I could see his silhouette against a sea of blue roses, the light bouncing off the stone wall making the flowers appear to glow around him. He was speaking very low to a nervous man who was nodding profusely at him with terrified wide eyes. It took only the briefest of moments for him to see me. Frost had silently let go of my arm and was walking around the perimeter of the small clearing til he was at J's side. Our eyes met for the first time all day and time ceased to exist.

There he stood, my Joker, my love, my forever, his shocking green hair slicked back perfectly from his face, his lips a bright cherry red were spread into a toothy smile I had rarely seen. It was hard to pull myself away from his magnetic blue eyes to take in the rest of him. Faintly I could hear music playing and I slowly began to walk towards him. My beautiful Joker had spared no expense on his suit, perfectly tailored to his slim muscular body. The jacket was inky black with a faint brocade pattern in silk thread, the pants were the same luxurious fabric as the jacket only solid. A black silk shirt pulled tight over his slightly heaving chest, I could see the rise and fall as I walked closer to his side. This was one of the few occasions where I have seen J with a proper tie done up correctly, I believe it was a trinity knot, and a gorgeous new tie pin made of black cobalt with onyx stones. The shoes were a favorite of mine, I actually pick them out in a shop in London and they were custom made by a cordwainer based in Italy. And of course in proper Joker style his powerful hands were adorned with all of my favorite rings, the only flashes of gold in his entire outfit, I was giddy with the anticipation of adding a new one to his left hand.

I had chosen to not carry a bouquet down the aisle, instead I wore a single perfect blue rose in my hair. This particular bloom was laying atop my new journal when I found it yesterday morning so it was only fitting to wear it to meet my Joker at the alter.

When I was finally only a few steps away he reached his pale hand out to take mine and pull me close. I could see the restraint plain as day on his face as he let go and took a step back, he gave himself a long moment to look me over and I could see the lust growing in his eyes when they met mine again. The anticipation we both felt in that moment was beyond our imaginations. Later in the night J told me it took all his control not to shoot the officiant between the eyes and send Frost away so he could have me right there on the spot! Dramatic? Yes, but I believed him completely.

The ceremony itself was brief, the man brought in was obviously terrified but did a fine job. I only found out after the fact that preforming this act was in exchange for a large debt that was owed to The Joker. In doing this favor it would clear the debt but also thanks to the man's connections within the local government it legitimized our union and would secretly have the necessary documents sealed and notorized. I swear I heard a muted gun shot not long after we exchanged vows but I am not going to question it.

Our vows were succinct but incredibly powerful. They are the one small piece that I will forever keep to myself. Suffice to say, the love that lives in our hearts is something that will never be broken, not by time, space, or anything the world throws at us. He is my King and I now proudly stand at his side, his Queen and his partner.

As I write this we are currently on a very brief Honeymoon, one of business and pleasure, J had some pressing business to attend to so I am here patiently waiting for him to return to the rarely used penthouse we have been staying in. I still want to record the events that transpired after the actual wedding, hopefully I'll have some time soon to write them down. For now I want to be prepared to greet my husband when he returns, I have not yet had my fill of his devilishly powerful body.

-Alice

[faythelyse]

Joji x Reader {female reader} Apocalyptic setting. Part two.

It had been about a week since I had invited the two new men to our community. Tending to George became a regular part of my day. Cleaning the wound and dressing it atleast 2 times a day. He has slept through all of it, I wonder when he will come to. Ben and Ashlee have been going out every day for a supply run. We haven't been this stocked since everything shut down.

Ashlee had grown close to Ben already, they go out frequently on supply runs, and spend most of their waking time fixing up the truck that is now currently running. To top it all off we haven't seen any infected near the community in 3 days. On my way to now to what is basically George and Bens room. I think they might end up living here for a long time. The thought of that made me smile.

I walk in medical bag in hand ready to dress up his wound. He was actually sitting up with his legs crossed. He appeared groggy, but smiled as I entered. "Did you sleep well?" I asked in a happy tone. Sitting next to him I open up my bag and start getting stuff ready. George starts to try and rip at the medical tape around his bandages.

I reach out and stop him with my hand. "Here let me help" I take a cotton ball and soak it in baby oil and wipe it all around the edges of the tape. He watches quietly.

"Let that sit a bit." I got up to throw the cotton ball away and his eyes followed me around the room.

"Thank you" he says as I sit back in front of him. "Where is Ben? "How long have I been out?"

"Ben is out in the garage with Ashlee, unless they have left already. They are heading out to get stuff to build up our walls a bit more, and you have been out for about 5 days. Did you dream?"

He rubbed his eyes "Um. Yeah, I did." He watched as I pulled out new clean bandages and tape. I start to softly pull off the tape around his ribs and chest. "You've been taking care of me all this time." I nod and continue to remove everything.

He winces as I clean his injury. Its healing. "You are lucky. It seems to be healing up great."

"Thanks to you.. We were lucky to stumble across you. I don't even recall what your name is."

"It's Y/N, if there's anything else you need just let me know" Right as I was close to the door he speaks up again.

"Can you just stay a moment with me. Ben and I haven't seen any others in months. It's nice to just be around someone who isn't infected."

"I understand. The girls and I who make up this community were getting restless not having anyone else to communicate with besides the raiders who come by to give us a hard time and steal our food."

"Raiders come and steal your food?" George looked genuinely worried knowing we really weren't in a good position to fight back.

"They killed Elenas fiance awhile back. We have tolerated them ever since." You look away not knowing what else to say on the subject. You couldn't yet explain to him that one of the raiders was especially infatuated with you and you had no choice but to go on tolerating it with no real way to fight back.

You change the subject "SO what did you do before the world shut down?"

"I made music. I still make music really. Just no ones around to hear it.. " He scratches the back of his neck nervously. "I heard you singing the other day when you came in to clean up the room."

You immediately blush. You don't sing in front of anyone.

"Don't be embarrassed" he laughed so casually "Y/N you sounded beautiful."

You smile nervously still not able to say anything. You could feel your face get hot as he just sat and stared at you for a moment.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to secretly listen in, I just didn't want you to stop.."

Ashlee opens the door "Y/N! We kind of have a small emergency." She motions for you to follow her. Before you leave you grab a pen and some paper from the desk in the corner of the room and lay it on Georges lap. "To write music." You say and smile before leaving the room.

George feeling great about finally having someone else to bond with besides Ben is immediately struck with inspiration and starts writing. George glances over at the green coat he had been injured in and has a flash of memories about the night he had met you. The tone of your sweet voice bounces around his head. Your messy hair, soft eyes and pouty lips had immediately drawn him to you. He wanted to know you.

Ben bursts in and plops down whilst shoving an immense amount of potatoe chips into his mouth. "They have ramen" he says with a mouthful. George rolls his eyes and smiles at his friend. "Yeah Im doing fine, thanks for asking dickhead."

"Aw come on, I knew you'd be fine, you've literally eaten a hair cake and survived." Ben laughs and shoves more chips in his mouth.

"You keep bringing that up like it's some life achievement." George manages to stand up and leans up against the wall next to the window. Ben walks over and gazes out the window with him. Ashlee and Y/N are outside trying their best to catch a mean goose that had laid her eggs in Elenas garden. They had plans to catch and breed her for food. George and Ben laugh quietly while watching this go down. "So what do you think of the girls? They seem great right?" Ben watches Ashlee, he is clearly into her.

"I actually completely agree with you on this one. They are great.." He says while thinking of you. "What if the people who gave me this" he points out his woind" find us here. Then we are putting them in danger."

Bens expression turns serious. "How are they going to find us? Besides if I see those fuckers again I'll be prepared this time."

"They found us last time, and we barely escaped.."

"That was last time, this is different. Have trust." Ben slaps George on the shoulder and starts to leave " Besides, we owe these girls. It wont hurt to stay awhile."

"And your dick has no alternative motivation for this?"

Ben smirks "Of course not, I have no idea what you are implying. " he shuts the door behind him.

George still by the window looks over the area for a moment. A garden was out in the right corner of the yard where a young woman was planting seeds while talking to

Y/N, who was sitting on a nearby stone bench. She appeared to be writing. George thought for a long time on if staying here was the right choice but something about Y/N made him want to linger a bit longer.

He walked outside, and stood behind y/n for a moment before making her aware of his presence. She was so immersed in her writing she didn't hear him walk up.

"You have nice handwriting." George spoke softly but his gentle voice made y/n jump even higher. "Jesus, you scared me. Also its rude to spy on someone who is so obviously journaling." You slam your book shut hoping he hadn't read to much into what you were writing. His big dark brown eyes lightened slightly in the sun. "Could I get a tour of the place? We can talk about how to pay off my debt to you. I really owe you my life." He was serious. You stand up and glance over at Elena. Elena looks up and waves her hand at you giving you the okay to leave her to her garden. "Sounds good, I'll show you around." You lead him out the gate into the front yard. You turn around and show him the full outside view of the house. "This is where we lived before we combined the house behind us, we decided it would be better to have a larger space, and fenced in both backyards, even cleared the second house. Now we have plenty of room in and out without having to worry about infected." You both walk back in, you lead him around the kichen and show him to all the rooms. "Where is your room?" You are starting to get the sense he could be flirting with you. You open the last room revealing your space. It was filled with old cds, books and papers, a bed with maybe too many blankets, and couple game systems hooked up to a tv that was plugged into a generator. "Homey" he says as he walks in making himself comfortable and plopping on your bed.

"You seem comfortable." You smile taking in his small gestures and goofy smiles as he gives your room a good look over. "Okay we can move on to the -" he interrupts you "Whats this?" He picks up a wrinkly piece of paper. It was a suicide note you had written a month or so ago after the raiders had killed elenas fiance and deemed you their new play thing. You didn't want to live in a world where you were trying so hard to survive only to get used whenever they decided to come back. Which was about twice a month. Sucked it up though. You care to deeply for all of your friends. You couldn't leave them to a worse fate. "I don't plan on doing that anymore. It's not a big deal." You whisper while looking down out of embarrassment. He walks up to you and pulls your chin up to meet his gaze. "Y/N I'm here to help if you need me." He pulls you into an unexpected hug. You relax in his arms. That was the moment he decided he didn't want to leave. He wanted to hold onto you and this peaceful place as long as possible. This felt like a dream to him. Ben and George had been wandering with no real home for atleast a couple years now. This felt like it could be home. "I'll pay my debt by helping you get rid of those assholes who think they can come by and take whatever they want." You push away from him. You knew this was dangerous, thinking about standing up to them at all made you sick to your stomach. We couldn't continue living in fear though. You nod your head in agreement. And you both walk back outside where everyone was circled up talking.

[momofaddict]

Feeling guilty

Found another call for help from my Melody... Just texted this person tonight to let him or her know that she'd passed. I'm assuming it's yet another number she collected at NA.

Last night I attended D's funeral. Talk about closure. Jesus fuck. It's so surreal that their both gone and little baby (7 mos old) is motherless and fatherless. Only I am left to raise him.

He'll never know her infectious laugh, her fearlessness, her desire to help others from their addiction, nor her fierce love for him. He won't remember her. He won't know how many distant and not so distant relatives, and old family friends she personally reached out to and brought back into the fold, building the family circle to much larger than it was. He will only know her grave, where his father's ashes will be scattered too.

Yet, at least for now, there's a weight lifted. Not sure if I said this yet, but there are no more addicts in my life. No one calling me from jail. No one asking for cigarette, gas, rent (on the rare occasion that she had a home in the last couple of years), money. No more getting stuff out of hawk. No more missing jewelry or hiding my meds, checkbooks, even car keys at times, in my fire/lock box. No more siphoning gas from my cars or stealing my purse, keys, money.

Is this why I'm not hiding under the covers and crying 24/7? I'm feeling so guilty for not being more upset! At D's funeral, most of my tears were forced. I wasn't happy, by any means. But there really was a door closed on addiction in my life there.

I still get choked up. I show the baby mommy's pic on the wall and we talk to her every day. But, and I know it's early on, taking care of this baby has been 10,000 times easier so far than having an addict in my life!

I think I have 10 whole followers. And I'm not writing this to get followers. It's my journal. But 8 out of 10 of my followers are fucking heroin addicts! WTF is that about? I'm not hating, I'm just baffled. Are you wondering what your mom feels like? Is it the same as when I used to watch Intervention as "entertainment"? Are you curious about the "normy" perspective? Do you laugh at my ignorance? I'm genuinely curious about the appeal.

On the same day of his father's funeral, I gained legal custody. This is just goddamned weird.

My job told me I can take 12 weeks family leave now that he's in my legal custody. I think I may go for it, I fucking need it. Baby will be 10 months old by then.

I'm also worried that I'm floating on what addicts in recovery call a "pink cloud". I'm afraid that reality is going to slap me hard, now that the dust is starting to settle. But I just keep enjoying the baby, taking him out a lot, and pressing forward. I've been out more with him over the last 3 weeks than I've been out myself over the 3 last years! Part of that is wanting to honor Mel by following her way of raising him, by taking him out to do fun stuff. Part of that is people inviting me. But I'm going, instead of saying no. I'm worried too that my pink cloud is fueled by not being alone, thanks to sooooo many people reaching out. One day soon, those reach-outs will settle and it will just be me and baby. Is that when reality will hit? Will it ever? Am I just that good at accepting reality and moving on?

Every time my mind goes to the night she died, visions of that EMT doing CPR on her, remembering how I held my ears closed and turned my back when EMTs were bringing her to the ambulance, because I didn't want to see or hear anything that might make me lose hope, I instantly tell myself I can't think about that. I tuck those thoughts away, because my heart jumps so hard it physically hurts. I want to know, yet don't want to know if I'd have gotten there sooner, and was able to break into that locked bathroom door, could I have saved her? Why in the fuck was it locked anyway? She was alone! Was she destined to die, so some higher power told her to lock the door so I wouldn't see her? Then my brain goes the other direction, thanking God or whatever is out there for not letting me see her blue, with her head in the toilet (from what I was told later), which takes me back to if I'd have gotten there sooner, I wouldn't have seen that anyway. Then I go down the rabbit hole of pre-destiny. Was she supposed to be clean long enough for her to get pregnant, have a healthy baby, while her grandma was supposed to move back to my town so Mel could inherit her Gma's condo when she passed, giving an addict a free place to live (dangerously), and live long enough for the baby to get to an "easy" stage of life, so she would then get depressed about her Gma dying, overdose in the same condo, all so i can have the grandchild I've always dreamt of, because my son doesn't want kids?

Or did God just say that I had endured enough and took both Melody and D away in the span of 4 days, so I don't have to struggle anymore, all while having a piece of her in the flesh to live on with me?

It's all torture, but not.

[arthurmango]

told u i'd write this >:)

i love it so much. i already love this kid. Arthur? Being a dad? Sign me the fuck up.

based off this post by @reddeaddenial ty for letting me write it!!

"Alright, kid," Arthur Morgan sighs, leading the 9-year-old with one hand and his horse with the other. He was muddy and tired, having saved this child from some of the locals after he had been caught stealing from the general store. Never did he anticipate beating a man over a loaf of bread.

"You get yourself in there and stay warm, alright? Make sure to wait for your Mama." The child is quiet. He gently removes his hand from Arthur's cautious grip and stands on the porch of the Valentine Sherriff's Office. His wavy blonde hair partly shielding his sad blue eyes.

Great. Now Arthur felt like an asshole. More than usual this time.

"You'll be alright, I promise." Arthur ensures as he climbs atop his saddle, adjusting his weight for comfort. "See you later, kid."

His ride back to the camp is quiet. He takes in the scenery; the birds chirping, the deer prancing about, the god-rays through the pinetrees. He was mentally locking this image in his mind for later, to draw when he was bored, or when he couldn't sleep, or both.

As he approached the camp, he spotted Bill, taking his shift for guard duty.

"Who's there?" Bill shouts.

"It's Arthur, dumbass."

"Welcome ba-....who's that you got behind you?"

Arthur freezes and doesn't dare turn. His first instinct is to reach for his sawed-off shotgun. He exchanged a glance with Bill, who was just as suprised...until-

"This your home, Mister? You live out in the woods?"

Goddammit.

"Kid-?! Didn't I-"

"Yeah, Mister, but it got real lonely and I didn't wanna wait!"

Arthur narrowed his eyes, then rolled them promptly as he slid off his saddle. He gave his horse a pat on it's rear in thanks, then turned his attention to the boy in front of him who fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt. He glances back at Bill who watches with a grin, enjoying every minute of this dilemma.

"Follow me." Arthur takes his horse's reins again, leading it to pasture with the others. Upon turning around, the boy had remained where he stood.

"C'mere, kid!"

The kid didn't respond.

Arthur put his hands on his hips, then sighs once again. He walks over, picking up the child with one arm. The kid is horizontal through his arm, holding him against his hip. "Abigail!"

"What is it-" Abigail pauses, looking at Arthur. "My," she smiles as the boy is put to his feet, huddling close to Arthur's legs shyly. Abigail bends to his level with a gentle smile, "what's your name, darlin'?"

His puppy-dog eyes look up to Arthur as if to ask permission to speak, then to Abigail. "James," he whispers.

"James?" Abigail reiterates. "That's a nice name. I'm Abigail, and this here is Jack," she gestures to her son, and he waves. "Where did you come from? Don't you have parents?"

James shakes his head, inching closer to Arthur.

Abigail stands, giving Arthur a look. She begins to speak, until Hosea greets the two.

"Well, what do we have here?" The huckster chuckles, kneeling to the boy. "Where'd you find him, Arthur?"

"He found me, more or less," Arthur grumbles. "He was caught takin' bread from the stands in the general store in Valentine. Some feller tried to give him a hard time, so I defended him and I thought I dropped him off at the Sheriff's Office. I guess he followed me here. Didn't even notice."

"Quiet thing he is, isn't he?" Hosea gives James a warm smile. "Have you eaten, son?"

"No sir," James replies meekly, "I haven't."

"Arthur, would you show him to Mr. Pearson for a nice supper? Mrs. Grimshaw-"

"I'm already working on it!" Susan replies hastily, adding an extra blanket to Arthur's tent.

"Hosea, I don't-"

"You can't just take him back, Arthur." Hosea replies quietly, "he followed you here, almost like a lost puppy, and like a puppy, he's gonna be your responsibility, lest the ladies get to him first. He's a handsome young man."

Arthur mumbles under his breath, knowing Hosea was right. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he left James alone. In a few ways, James reminded him of his own son, Issac. Maybe, he felt, maybe this could make things right. Maybe this could fill that aching, emptiness and loneliness he's felt for so long. The only downside is that he has another thing to worry about, another, innocent child to shield from the horrors of his life. It's almost, in a way, cruel to keep him around. He deserves better. He doesn't need this life, but what was Arthur to do? Parent the boy, he guesses. Not that he's much of a father in the first place.

Over the next few minutes, the gang meets and greets the new kid. He sits at the card table, eating sheepishly as everyone takes their turns asking him questions, not that he had many answers.

"Give the boy some space!" Dutch commands, tapping the ashes off of his cigar. "Arthur, may I speak with you for a moment? Just a moment."

"Sure," Arthur complies, "I'll be right back, okay?"

He follows Dutch to his tent, where Dutch promptly turns to him, taking a drag off his cigar. "You didn't kidnap nobody's son, didya?"

Arthur squints. "Wh-no! What kinda question is that, Dutch?"

Dutch chuckles, patting Arthur's shoulder, then wiping his hand on Arthur's jacket once he realized that his hand had touched mud, "just makin' sure." He begins to lead Arthur, walking with him. "You couldn't find his folks nowhere?"

"The boy was stealin' bread, Dutch. I think it's safe to say that he has no folks," Arthur replies, thumbing his belt.

"He reminds me a lot of you when you were a boy," Dutch smiles, "he was quiet like you were, too. That is until I broke you outta your shell. I think it'll be good for you take after Hosea and I and teach the boy what he needs to know to survive."

Arthur shrugs. "I was plannin' on it. I'm just worried that....I don't know....maybe I'm not cut out for this."

"Sure ya are!" Dutch turns to Arthur, halting their walk. "It'll be good for you to have somethin' to do other than draw in that journal all day."

Arthur shakes his head, and Dutch winks, putting his cigar back between his lips.

Arthur meets back with the boy, where Charles had taken his spot. Beside Charles was Javier and Sean.

"You sure this lad ain't yours, Arthur?" Sean laughs. "Looks a helluva lot like ya!"

Arthur doesn't bother, and sits down across from Charles beside James. He seemed a little more open. He assumed it was from Charles' calming demeanor....or Sean's hyperactive one.

"He's a smart kid, Arthur. Very headstrong." Charles adds in. "He says he wants to be a hunter when he grows up. You and I should take him hunting sometime to start him off."

"You ever hunted before, James?" Arthur asks, not sure how to level his voice to keep from starling the child.

"Once, with my Pa." James moves his spoon throughout his stew absentmindedly. "Pa left when Mama got sick, and one day she went to sleep and wouldn't wake up. After she went to heaven, I've been alone, kinda."

Arthur, Sean, Javier and Charles exchange glances, feeling a variation of that pain.

"Well, you've got all the Aunts and Uncles you could ever want!" Javier grins, "you've got food, a place to sleep, and all the protection you'll ever need."

"And maybe tomorrow mornin' I could take you to Saint Denis and get ya somethin' real nice to wear, to getcha outta those old clothes."

James finally begins to smile. It adds so much to his fair complexion. "Is it pretty, Saint Denis? Just like on the postcards?"

"Just like on the postcards! Maybe even prettier." Arthur smiles, too. A rare smile hardly shown to the world. It was genuine.

"You've got a real hardworkin' Pa now, lad!" Sean smirks as Arthur eyes him. "This man is as stubborn as a bull, but make no mistake, he'll getcha anything ye ask for as long as ya can get passed that rough outer layer a'his."

"I think he's really nice," James looks down to his food, then back up to Arthur. "Scary at first, but he saved me! So that makes him my Guardian Angel, just like Mama used to say."

Arthur felt a sort of relief. This responsibility was immense, but he couldn't help himself. He was already starting to get attached to the child.

"Why don't you go with Uncle Charles and meet everyone else, huh? I should probably get cleaned up. I'm still covered in mud." Arthur remains in his seat as James follows his new Uncles, sightseeing throughout the camp. Maybe this is his second chance to actually be a father. Sure, he was afraid. He was afraid for what was to come. He was afraid that he might not be the father he hopes he is. He sure as hell won't turn out like John, that's for sure.

[aiden-gd]

Chapter III

(warning:grammar mistakes, nothing else)

Two days have passed after meeting him. Well, he's a big guy now. He's been to places I've never been before. No way, someone like him would call me. Even if he wanted to consider it bc I was his close friend in high school, there's no way he'd find the time for someone like me.

I took a sip of the coffee I had. It's bitter. Ofc it'd be bitter. What did I even expect?

Alphabets/ letters/ poems/ short stories/ drabbles/ articles/ biographies/ manuals/

Books/ Novels/ Journals/

Language/ Literature/

Subject/

Darkness/ Domain/ Despair/ Depression/ Dominance/ Dictatorship/ Destruction/ Denial/ Desperation/ Down/

Me/ My/ Myself/ Mine/

Mine?/

/Empty/...

emptiness\ void\...

I was scribbling my usual and I realized a new thing yet again.

I have nothing...to call my own. Well I can't say a 'thing', I do have a lot of stuffs I bought with my own money. It's just, I wanna have someone as mine too. I wonder if I'm being greedy. But I can't help. I want to be in love.  Again. But genuine love this time tho.

Not like the unrequited love, or one sided relationship like I've had until now. Just mutual. Mutual feelings. I'd even love it more if they feel more about me than I do. But I doubt I'd ever get it. Because as much as I want it, I fear it too much. I don't even deserve it , hell I ignore people's feelings all day. The amount of texts and calls in this phone, after one night stands. Well half of it is their fault for not understanding how "one night stands" work. But I can't help feel guilty.

Its crazy how my desires contradict my fears.

Now, colours//.

Brown.....shade, it's warm no matter what. It's disgusting sometimes when I think more about it than I should lol. But rather than that, if we think about the shade only, it's warm. And for someone as who's a naturally cool person, (pun not intended) I guess I just prefer it as one of my favorite. Anyone can see it if they barge into my room. Or they'll just think I have an odd sense of taste for my age. Or maybe not, since I'm already 30, I'm at least old enough to like it? Don't I?

I closed my book, unable to focus properly on what to write for my next article. I couldn't concentrate even tho nothing that bad happened lately. Perhaps, I'm disappointed that he didn't call. But I don't understand why he would again.

Right then, my phone started buzzing, an unknown number.. could it be?

I pick up when my ring was about to end, subconsciously playing hard to get. But I didn't say anything. I was waiting for the other side to speak in case if it was the someone I expected.

"Hello." It's a familiar voice yet. I let a soft sigh.

....What did I even expect?

"You finally answered my call. Perhaps were you expecting a call from someone else? There's no way you'd pick up a random call."

"Uhh how are you? I heard you're working hard on your new book..."

(Pause)

I didn't speak anything. I couldn't. And I didn't want to anyway. I might as well just end the call.

"Don't cut it. Please..give me a chance to explain."

I don't get why my neck and chest throbs when he says those words. I don't even miss this guy like I used to. Tbh I'm completely over him. It's been almost 2 months we last had a proper conversation and I've been ignoring his calls since then. I can't forgive him for what he did, but when when someone begs..... you, you can't help but empathize them.

" I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now and I deserve that kind of reaction from you too. but please, I want you to listen at least just this once....

I know I.... I made a big mistake. I was a dick . I messed up. Big time. Yes, I told you to leave and yes, (sighh) I slept with someone else that night, I was crazy to do such thing after I started the fight itself. But I was too stressed out from work,.... that didn't mean that I can use it as an excuse...but

Hell, I'm sorry.

That's the only thing I can say right now. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean anything I said that day and I'll change. I'll be better. Please, please give me one last chance so that I.....I can prove it to you. And I..... I miss you so much, Sora..  Please forgive me this once more. I promise I'll be better...."

Fresh tears came out of my eyes. Idk? I was over him, I know but i could never get over how he betrayed me. Finding my lover having sex on our bed with someone not me, and witnessing it after he said he needed some space. It wasn't a good experience at all.

"Sora. I-"

"I'm sorry I have some work to do. I have to go. "

"No, just 2 more-"

I sat down bitterly. I cut the phone call. I look at my tear stained papers. Ugh I feel pathetic. After that my phone rang like three times more, until it lied completely silent again. I decided I should sleep. I can't help it other than to sleep it off. One more call, and I think I'll lose my patience.  Anyone can tell me why can't I just block him, but at this rate it's useless. He's someone who'd use all the numbers in the world to get me to pick up. The first few weeks after break up, I had to change my number. And it's hectic to change my number again and again since these days, my whole source of almost everything is connected to my number. And I don't want to run for it again.

Hah, at some point, I wish I had disappeared from this world. It always seem like my life... is only a black and white theme, as aesthetic as it sounds, it doesn't feel good. I'm merely surviving. And I ain't like the sky, I can't seem to pull silence right after the rained. It almost seems like there's no peace after the storm in my life or I can relate more to a peace before the storm. So as much as I've grown, I might have gotten used to breaking down as well.

Ahh.. it burns, I burn,... quietly with no voice of my own to scream my scorching pain away. I start to treat it as a normal feeling at some point. And if I don't, I convince myself, I will someday, get used to it. Only memories occupy my head these days, as I look into my scars and I stare at it. It always feel like it will rip open and start bleeding again. So I prepare myself aids before that happens and I avoid the things that once led me to have them. I build walls altho my bricks aren't even strong enough so everytime someone attacks, I still get hurt. Even tho they don't seem to notice.

I see myself sitting , crouching my knees on my face and blocking my ears and the my dad's voice starts to become louder and louder scolding me. Then I opened my eyes to my booming ringtone. Oh.

I must have had a nightmare.  Damn, this person too... can't stop bothering me even at night. 

I decided to answer the call, in a cold manner this time. 

"Hello-"

"Stop calling me. And for fuck's sake , I just started to sleep. I need to go to work tomorrow and I need my fucking rest."

"Oh" I felt something bad about how I answered.

"I'm sorry, Sou. I didn't mean to disturb you.  I was so busy lately, like I'm in the States rn, there's clear daylight here so I might have forgotten about the how it works there . Well, I'm sorry I didn't think about it. "

Who tf is this? Is this another kid from the club I slept with.

Fuck-. was it not him? The states? Who'd call me from the states?

The states, hmm. Wait, The States?! Don't tell me-

"Emm, Sorry for rambling, I'm sorry I'll call you in the morning,that is, if you still want to-"

"Ryu!!?"

" Hmm.??"

...........Oh God,it IS him. ......Oh My Gawd. What did I just do? Oh Gawd..

Fuck. Goddammmit, I deserve to eat shit at this point.