#i giffed this exact bit almost 10 years ago

[expelliarmus]

[neo-neos]

My BL journey so far

Okay kids gather round, get comfortable. This is a long one.

Disclaimer/background info: I started watching BL about a month ago-ish. I don't remember the exact date but I believe I started last month or maybe the end of the month before. So I am still a bit of a noob and trying to catch up with watching things. I am also a very chaotic person which you will probably find out by the way this is structured/written. Lastly, even though I do study/teach English for a living, it is not my first language.

Okay with that out of the way, let's dive in.

Backstory/introduction

Like any good story I feel like a bit of backstory/intro might be a good idea. Hi, on the internet I mostly go by the nickname Peach, however I created this blog when I got into BL and have adopted yet another fruit as a new nickname for this side of my personality/identity which is Lychee. I don't really mind which one you use. I'm 24 years old and I am Dutch (the Netherlands). As mentioned in the disclaimer I teach English but I am also still a student, I plan on studying more after this because I love learning new things and especially about languages and cultures. I am part of the LGBTQ+ community myself and mostly identify as Bisexual or Pansexual. I use she/her pronouns. When I was about... 13-14 ish I rolled into the K-pop fandom. I used to listen to bands like SHINee, Super Junior, EXO, BAP, Infinite, Girls Generation, 2ne1, Block B... I was a real fangirl if you ask me HAHA. In this time I also watched a Kdrama or two here and there. Favorites being: Heartstrings and Shut up flower boy band. (I was never too into Kdrama back then). I also used Tumblr back then, I have a literal 12 year old tumblr account with almost 50K posts that I used during my K-pop times. I stopped using tumblr quite a while ago too but that blog is still there. I would reblog gifs and pics and what not about my biases and ships. But as interests do sometimes, it faded into the background and I fully stopped keeping up and listening to K-pop. It has literally been 10 years now.

But then...

One random afternoon I was bored at home and wanted to watch something new. I randomly realized Kdramas existed and so my journey to find one began. I stumbled upon Semantic Error and almost by accident decided to read the little description and the tags that were with it. My eyebrows furrowed for a minute before I could feel my eyes widen: "WAIT THE TWO BOYS... IT'S... GAY???" I could almost not believe what I saw. Obviously back in my K-pop times every band had ships and pairings you fangirled over, Baekyeol or ChanBaek, 2Min, JongKey... You know what I mean...You fangirled over every random moment they were together but that was as far as that went. So you could maybe imagine my excitement when I realized that Korea has come far enough to actually make BL shows now. So without further thoughts I watched Semantic Error. And because it was the first BL I saw I fell in love with it, the story was good, the acting was good, the fluff was to die for. An all round great experience to start off with.

Little did I know...

After this experience I was obviously hungry for more. So, I turned to the internet to tell me where they had been hiding this secret stash of everything I ever wanted in Kdrama... And boy was I surprised with the results. This was the moment I found out that not only Korea but also Japan, Thailand, Taiwan and China made BL shows... And not just 1 or 2... The choices were endless. My journey continued with (either... I kinda forgor...) Don't say no and Love by Chance. This was my first experience with NC scenes too. I had no idea that Thailand already took the step to also go into a little more 18+ when it comes to BL and to be fair... I was kind of excited about it. Now that I have seen more BLs I guess you could argue that neither Don't say no and Love by Chance are the best BLs ever made but at the time I was completely hooked on them.

And so began...

An insane marathon sprint. By this time I wanted more more more and that's what I consumed. I watched some more Kbl, some Japanese BL and some more Thai BL's as well. Until I hit KinnPorsche and that's when I realized how hooked I actually was on this new comfort genre I had just discovered. KinnPorsche allowed me to put the shows I had watched for far into perspective. Most BLs have the university students falling in love drama vibe... KinnPorsche was something completely different and boy did I fall in love, and hard too. This show quite honestly changed a lot of things for me. I went from 'I'm just casually watching these shows' to 'Oh I might be a little obsessed now' and after finishing KP I realized I wanted even more and I could no longer deny that I was becoming a part of the BL fandom.

So where we are now...

In the past month I have spent every free second of my day watching shows. Binging one after the other. I was lucky to have a week off during this time too and I have managed to COMPLETE 32 BLs between then and now. 5 currently watching shows I try and keep up with and a TO WATCH list of 40+ shows. (aka: obsessed much?)

In the meantime I have made a BL twitter and a BL tumblr (this one) to find out more about the BLs I watched or am watching currently, but also to keep up with new ones coming out. I have realized that because of how badly I want to keep up with things I SUCK at remembering names. If the show did not leave a big impression on me I can also easily forget the whole storyline of some. This in addition to people talking about ship names but also IRL ship names using actors real names makes it quite hard to keep up sometimes.

The community...

I also made these accounts in the hopes to interact with the community. This part has been quite a challenge for me. I have never been the most extraverted person (both irl and online) but I am one of those people that is almost desperate to make friends (that sounds a bit sad but hear me out.) I love talking to people (< but you said you're introvert.. I know again, hear me out) but I have absolutely no idea how to behave in order to make friends. I am often too shy to interact with people so I just kind of pull myself back and hope someone reaches out first. As soon as they do there's a good chance I will latch onto them without mercy. I have realized that I am afraid I do not fit in sometimes within this community (mostly on twitter to be honest) I see a lot of very knowledgeable people when it comes to BL shows and I am too afraid to interact. Here on tumblr and twitter I also (after literally 10 years) realize how talented people are when it comes to making gifs, edits and translations. Something I did not really think much about when I was using Tumblr 10 years ago. I have so much admiration for what people make but at the same time I feel like being a cheerleader from the sidelines by reblogging/retweeting I cannot match up to them too. Now I am obviously very new to BL and the community and I have actually met some lovely people already. I guess I just want too much too fast haha!

BL as a whole... (Disclaimer: The things I talk about are not just directed at BL alone, the issues I list are VERY MUCH also alive in Hetero shows and I would like to see change there too. But to keep on the topic of BL I list them here with my reasoning)

Realizing how far these countries have come when it comes to even making shows about LGBTQ+ is an awesome thing to see. Like I said before I come from the time where all I could really do is ship two band members together and fangirl over them sitting next to each other basically. I am part of the LGBTQ+ community myself and I live in a country is supposed to be very accepting so it is nice to see the steps different cultures are taking as well. However I do feel we are not there yet in the way they portray things. Consent (this is obviously not only a BL problem) has been a bit of an issue for me in some shows. Power dynamics - My main issue show for this one was Cutie Pie (not very sure how to elaborate further) NC scenes - Still being quite unrealistic sometimes, you really cannot tell me that bottoming is something you do without preparation of any sort. Only gay for xxx -> Straight but gay for this one man is not exactly how sexuality works. I feel like it might kind of give off the wrong idea as well. I do see that some of these trends are turning to the right direction (Between Us being a good example for consent for example)

Now I obviously know that these are fictional stories so please don't come for my throat over this. I am just listing a few things I have noticed in my journey.

The shows...

Now I would like to use this last little section here to mention and give my thoughts (positive and negative) about some shows I have seen. Let's start with the good shall we.

KinnPorsche -> I have mentioned this show before but I would like to do it again. I fell in love with this show, the actors are amazing, the storyline is great, the chemistry between the couples, the diversity in the storyline, the humor, the serious moments... It has so much and the casting they did for this show is a legit 10/10 Apo is such an amazing actor, Mile is his perfect match for the role and don't even get me started on the rest of the cast I would probably pull up an entire powerpoint presentation.

Life-Love on the line -> Is a Japanese BL that I related to quite a lot. The entire story of how two boys fall in love and grow up together, one becoming more serious while the other stays quite 'childlike' hit me right in the feels (I don't want to spoil things) It was such a beautiful story to be fair.

Semantic Error -> My first BL and what a great start to have to be honest. Need I say more?

Bad Buddy -> I loved this one because of the storyline and the awesome chemistry between the characters. It showed an amazing story of how sometimes you need to put your prejudice thoughts aside to find something beautiful.

Blueming -> The way this story unfolds made me fall even deeper in love with Kbls to be honest. The way this was filmed was just so beautiful.

Roommates of Poongduck -> I was a little hesitant in the beginning of this one. The storyline description did not grab my attention and after seeing how KBL is often focused more on the story than on the passionate kisses for instance it took me a moment to get into it. But we have all seen the kissing scene (that they robbed us of to be fair) and the chemistry between the characters had me sobbing while having the biggest grin on my face.

I told sunset about you -> When I got a little deeper into my research the name of this BL kept popping up everywhere and it obviously got me curious. Boy oh boy this was such a beautiful story I cannot even begin to explain. The exploration of sexuality, gender, love and friendship in this one... Ugh ugh ugh.

Not me -> A masterpiece. The themes, the storyline. They touch upon heavy topics while also maintaining an entertaining series. It's so good.

Love in the air -> Okay so, MOST of the shows above have a lot of deeper messages or storylines and love in the air might feel out of place. WRONG. Sky's storyline shows quite a bit of deeper meaning and I think it was done really well. The other part of why I like this show is because of the actors. They really did such an amazing job with this one and I cannot wait to see more of them.

ChocoMilkShake -> (up until last ep) this was my comfort show. I kind of ignored the dark side of them leaving and just focused on all the cute stuff but I just love it. They better give me a happy ending though!

Between Us -> I have seen UWMA and I must say that although the story was very very beautiful and touching and heavy... I did not vibe with the insane drama as much as I would have hoped. I did however enjoy the WinTeam moments quite a bit. And then BOOM Between Us happened and I am having a blast with this one. Consent being a big plus. The storyline is good, there has not been (knock on wood) unnecessary drama (I was afraid this would happen with the overhearing half a conversation thing they were giving us but I am SO happy to see it was done in a mature way). I love it.

And now for some shows I would like to give a tiny piece of my mind. DISCLAIMER: These are opinions you can ignore, I am not shitting on actors whatsoever, this is mostly targeted towards writing/storyline. THE ACTORS DID NOTHING WRONG!! I am okay with people asking questions about it though (: I also do not JUST shit on the shows I talk about here, I point out some things and also say what I DID like about it

Lovely writer -> This show holds a scene that I find THE MOST frustrating one I have seen so far. "Let me explain" -Silence- "I can explain" -Silence- "Wait don't leave" -Silence-.... If you have seen the show you probably know what I'm referring to. This is what I mean with unnecessary drama. Characters being angry at each other for longer than needed or for a reason that does not make sense. The rest of the show was okay. I don't hate the show but it frustrated me more than that I enjoyed it.

Big Dragon -> The first episode had me screaming. The NC scene, the open kink representation on this one made me so excited. It felt like the next step towards representation for kinks within the genre... And then that slowly died off. The scene where Yai is with the girl that (I suppose) normally helps him with his kink and then the bathroom scene where Mangkorn orders Yai around were 10/10 too but then it was gone and we were back to quite the normal BL plotline again which I found very sad. In the later episodes I also missed the chemistry between Yai and Mangkorn. I fucking LOVE MosBank together like... They are legit amazing actors and I would love to see them again in something different. I am just a little disappointed in the storyline progression.

Cutie pie -> The power dynamic in this show was not really my style. The controlling BF type deal was a bit hard to watch at times. and I KNOW that this entire show is about breaking free of that but the fact that there it is needed in the first place and the lying and secrets.. it was all a bit much for me. However the casting was really good. The chemistry between the characters/actors is awesome and everyone played their role really well!

To my star -> NOW BEFORE YOU BEHEAD ME, HEAR ME OUT. I love this show. I actually love this show. It is really good. But there are some small things that made me frustrated sometimes. Talking about feelings is hard and I do get that 110% but it sometimes felt quite frustrating and left me with a little bit of a bad feeling. I really hope that this show teaches people that you can only really move forward by talking about your feelings instead of running away from them.

Together with me -> The controlling, dramatic, witch female role. Now again, hear me out. The show is great! The chemistry is there, the acting is 10/10 the casting is 10/10 but it has an element I would like to discuss that I have seen in multiple BLs as well. Now I get that the girl is mad, right. Her BF literally cheats on her (shame on u) but the entire master plan the girls come up with like... damn girls... That's all I really have to say about it. Not all women become murderous, petty witches.

TharnType -> From homophobic to being almost assaulted into a gay relationship. Again casting 10/10, chemistry 10/10. But I see this storyline quite a bit too in deluded forms. Consent is a BIG issue in this show for me. Then there is the "I am only okay with this gay guy" idea too that just kinda made me pull some faces at my screen at times.

If you have made it this far... I'm so sorry?

As for now, I think I have written enough about my BL journey so far, if you DID actually read this far and have any questions about it, feel free to ask. I am willing to discuss anything and everything as long as we respect each others views (:

This post is also an invitation to whoever wants to connect. I really do love making friends and my DMs (here and on twitter or if you want to connect on a different platform let me know) are always open. You can literally go in there without context and go: GIIIIRL LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT... and I will reply as if we've been besties for years I really do not mind skipping the awkward first stages of interaction.

My DMs (+replies) are also open for:

Show recs (dm me your fav show and a little description on why it's your fav show and why I should love it too!)

Questions regarding this post or me personally

FanFic recs (If you have written something pls show it to me I love to read!

Seeing my watched list, currently watching list or to watch list for the curious cats (: (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Thank you so much for reading and for now I cannot wait to see what the BL community has in store for me ♥

[peakyimagines1919]

You Knew What You Were Getting Into.

Chapter one- Did You Ever Love Me.

(GIFS aren’t mine)

Your life was quite simplistic before you were involved with the Shelby’s. You had a small dwelling near a few shops which was more than enough for you. You spent most days going on strolls, being kind to the locals with the odd man trying to get you to go on a date. Your late mother was a single woman and although it was always looked down on, she had lived her life just fine. You didn’t need a man. That was until you met the notorious Thomas Shelby.

You knew about the Shelby family, who didn’t. Everyone wished to be them, they held power over a lot of people. Anyone would cower in fear when they entered a room, you didn’t really take any notice until you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Something had gone south between the Shelby brothers. You had no idea what. You saw Thomas knocking the teeth out of some guy that had crossed his family in some way.

His concentration as he hit this random guy, the knot in his brow. No remorse from him as the man below him pleaded for life. Through punches he caught your eyes which caused him to falter and stop. The man with his face hardly recognisable too done in to even bother trying to get up and win the fight.

“We’re done here boys.”

With one last look, he was gone. Since then you kept bumping into Tommy which got you both talking, which then led to other things and here you were.

A ring on your finger.

Part of the Shelby family.

You fit in well despite being unknown to them several moons ago.

You were a bit younger than Tommy. 10 years younger to be exact, in your 20’s. At the start Tommy was somewhat bothered with it, you were too pure and beautiful for someone like him, you were untarnished. An angel walking the earth in his eyes. You may have been before, but now? You had seen things women definitely shouldn’t have seen. You had seen your husband come home screaming in pain with bullets wedged into his flesh. You had seen the same with his brothers. It wasn’t a life for the faint hearted, but you knew what you were getting yourself into.

Tommy had changed the past few months. Things were getting difficult. Things were getting more dangerous if that was ever possible. He was out all hours of the day and night without a say so. Always coming home with more bruises and stinking of whiskey.

You tried to get him to talk, you tried to get him to confined in you. He always used to so you didn’t understand why he didn’t now. No. You did. You just didn’t like thinking about it.

Grace. The new barmaid. You knew he was seeing her behind your back. You had seen him with her. How he looked at her, damn. He didn’t even look at you like he looked at her. You didn’t know where you went wrong. You had spoken to Polly about it, but she tried to tell you that, ‘men only think with their cocks. He loves you, he just doesn’t show it in the right way.’ Even Arthur and John sympathised with you. They knew how much you loved their brother.

The final straw was when he turned up late on the night of your three year wedding anniversary, stinking of booze and what could only be described as Grace. You stood with your back to him as you looked at the stash of whiskey within the Shelby household, tempted to down a bottle yourself.

“You were with her weren’t you?”

Your cold demeanour could have almost made him shiver. He stayed silent as you turned around. Tears stung your eyes as you watched him. Both of you standing your ground. The look on his face was obvious. He didn’t even have to say he was with her.

“What do you think I am Thomas Shelby? A fucking scullery maid? A whore?”

 Your arms flew around in anger as he stay watching you shocked at your language. You’d never spoken to him in that way before,

 “What am I in the eyes of the marvellous Thomas Shelby from Small Heath? I tell you what,”

you chuckled to yourself,

“This,”

You stood pointing at him and back to you back and forth,

“Is over. We are done. I am done being here and I am done doting on your every fucking move.”

For a second you thought you saw a glimpse of regret behind his eyes as your own tears made their way down your cheeks, you thought he could actually feel bad for hurting you, but you were mistaken.

“You knew what you were getting into, Y/N. Before we were even married. Sorry if this lifestyle isn’t up to your standards.”

He too was cold as ever.

You smile with disappointment and looked to the floor shaking your head,

“Your lifestyle isn’t what bothers me, Thomas. It’s the way you’ve treated me. Nowhere in my heart did I think you would hurt me in this way. What does she have that I don’t? What has she given you that I haven’t? Was I just not good enough for you, Tommy?”

Your voice was quiet now, you were hurt and that was hard to hide.

“Did you ever love me?”

Tommy stood, silent once again he didn’t even want to fight for you.

With that you left him standing in the hall, not wanting to breakdown in front of him. You didn’t want to seem little and pathetic. You didn’t want him to know he had such a hold over you, though he probably already knew that. Why else would he keep cheating on you.

With that you made your way upstairs to start packing your many memories and to move on and away from the Shelby family.

[labomi]

selfish | one (18+)

Summary: You're a former coworker of Kento Nanami back when he was just an office worker. You accidentally run into him at a bakery many years later which gives you a second chance at getting to know the man who had always caught your eye.

Pairing: Kento Nanami x f!Reader

Words: 11.1k+

Warnings: Explicit sexual content, vaginal sex, vaginal fingering, oral sex, creampie, explicit language, attempted sexual assault, kidnapping, canon-typical violence, alcohol

Note: Read on ao3 here! I’ve been on tumblr on and off for about 10 years at this point (yikes), but I recently decided to start a new one as sort of a writing blog with a lot of anime gif reblogging on the side as well haha. Kind of nervous to post my first fic on tumblr for some reason, so I hope you enjoy! Thank you for reading!

Index: [Part One] [Part Two]

“Nanami? Kento Nanami? Is that you?”

You couldn’t believe your eyes. It had been years! Was that really him?

---

The night you accidentally ran into Kento Nanami started off like any other night in your life. After an exhausting day of work, you decided to treat yourself to some sweets at a nearby bakery. The small chime on the door signaled your entrance with the lone employee warmly greeting you.

“Welcome!”

There was only one other customer in the small shop. A tall man stood at the cash register. 

Hmm.

There was something strangely familiar about the man’s demeanor. Curious, you drifted over to the display case next to the register to try and sneak a peek at his face. While admiring the delicious-looking pastries on the counter, you listened in on the conversation between him and the cashier.

“That will be 2000 yen,” the lady said.

“I’ll pay with card.”

You stiffened slightly, eyes widening in surprise. 

That voice!  

You recognized that voice!

The man shifted his face towards you as he reached to grab his wallet from his pocket. You were finally able to get a glimpse of his face. 

You gasped.

“It is you!” you exclaimed in surprise. “Nanami!”

He looked as prim and proper as ever. The man still wore a suit and tie with his hair neatly parted. The only major difference in his appearance was the sunglasses that now completely shielded his eyes.

“It’s good to see you again! How have you been?” you asked eagerly.

Nanami looked at you silently, trying to recall where he had seen your familiar face before.

Then he remembered.

A flood of memories from a different life overcame him. The man hesitantly said your name, like he couldn’t quite believe your unexpected appearance before him. You nodded enthusiastically while he absentmindedly handed his credit card to the cashier.

“Oh wow,” you breathed, feeling a little giddy. “I haven’t seen you since you quit all those years ago. What are you doing now?”

Nanami seemed to pause for a second, adjusting his sunglasses. “I work at a school.”

“Oh! As a teacher?” 

“No, just as staff.”

“That sounds nice. What school?”

“It’s a private religious school in the mountains. It’s not particularly well-known,” the man replied vaguely. 

“Oh, I see.”

A loud beep of a cell phone interrupted the conversation. Nanami reached into his other pocket and took out his phone. He frowned, looking at the device. “I apologize, but I have to go immediately.”

“Oh, uh, ok,” you said, feeling slightly disappointed. You barely had any time to catch up with your former coworker. Nanami grabbed the bag from the counter and swiftly exited the store. You watched him walk away with a sigh. What were the chances that you would bump into him again? You pouted, upset that the circumstances hadn’t exactly worked out in your favor.

“Oh no!” the cashier suddenly cried out. “He forgot his card!” She pointed at the blue credit card on the counter.

“Lemme see if I can catch him!” you responded, already running out of the bakery. You pushed open the door and ran in the direction you saw the man leave. “Nanami!” you shouted. Other pedestrians looked at you curiously, but you couldn’t see the tall man anywhere. You walked around a bit further out, continuing to call his name but to no avail. Sighing, you headed back to the bakery.

“No luck,” you said to the cashier. “He’s gone already. I have no idea how he disappeared so quickly.” Crossing your arms against your chest, you looked at the forgotten card in frustration. “What should we do now?” If only you had his number! 

“I guess I can keep it here in case he comes back,” the lady reasoned.

Hmm.  

An idea popped in your head. 

A selfish one.

“Wait! How about I take it and return it to him?” you asked. Then you realized that your request might come off as suspicious. “We used to work together, I promise I’m not trying to steal it or anything.”

The cashier smiled at you softly. “I trust you. You come in here quite a lot and that man did say your name, so I know you’re not lying.”

You sighed in relief.

Thank goodness.

After buying some pastries for yourself, you walked out of the bakery holding Nanami’s credit card in your hand. You carefully stored it in your bag before beginning the walk back to your apartment.

A private religious school in the mountains, huh?

It shouldn’t be too hard to find.

---

You groaned, fighting the urge to pull your hair in frustration. 

How hard was it to find this damn school?!

You were sitting at your desk in the dark. The only light in the bedroom came from your laptop screen which was full of search engine results for “tokyo private religious school”. You were on page 15. Not a promising sign.

Recalling your conversation with Nanami, you remembered the man said he worked at a religious school in the mountains. However, none of the private schools you had found so far were located in the mountains. You frowned. Had Nanami been lying?

You shook your head to yourself.

No. 

He’s not the type to lie. He did say it wasn’t well-known.

You scrolled further down and clicked on the next page. Quickly skimming the results, you finally found something that caught your eye. 

Tokyo Metropolitan Curse Technical College.

Huh. What a strange name for a school.  

You clicked on the link. It brought you to a strange forum that looked somewhat sketchy and unreliable, but someone had at least posted an address for the school. You grabbed your phone and immediately plugged the address into the map app.

You punched the air in triumph.

“Yes!” The dot was located in the mountains by some Tokyo suburbs. 

This has to be the place!

Luckily, tomorrow was Friday which meant you had no classes, and you weren’t scheduled for a shift at work. You were free to find the school and return the card to Nanami in person. 

“Ok!” you said to yourself, rubbing your hands together. “Now to find out how to get there.”

---

You looked at the dot of your current location on your phone and then back at the vast empty woods in front of you.

This can’t be it!

You groaned out loud in frustration, stamping your feet in a little tantrum. 

Why is it still so hard to find this damn school?!  

Looking at your phone again, you double-checked the map to see that you were in fact at the exact location of the address you inputted, but nothing was here. It was just trees!

You sighed in disappointment but refused to give up right away. Maybe your phone’s GPS was off because you were so high up in the mountains and the signal was bad. You decided to follow the road that led up the mountain with the hope that you might accidentally stumble across the school. If there was a road, it had to lead somewhere! But strangely enough, you hadn’t seen any cars, buildings, or pedestrians since entering the area. 

After walking around for almost an hour, you decided to take a break. Sitting in the shade of some trees by the side of the road, you took your water bottle out of your bag for a quick sip. You admired the beautiful, quiet scenery in front of you.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

You were currently lost in the mountains of Tokyo looking for a school you weren’t quite sure actually existed. And it was all because you were selfish and wanted to see Nanami again. Your old coworker.

You hadn’t been particularly close to him at work, though he didn’t seem overly friendly with anyone in the office. Nanami was the stoic and serious type. He didn’t talk much with the team, but you could tell he worked hard. He was always one of the last people to leave the office for the night, if he did leave. On many occasions, you found him dozing at his desk in the morning when you arrived early to work before everyone else with the sneaking suspicion that he had spent the entire night in the office.

Unlike most of the other employees and especially your boss, Nanami seemed to still care about the clients instead of just the company’s profits, judging from the small snippets of conversations you overheard from him. You had always wanted to get to know him better, but he didn’t particularly have an approachable demeanor. At the time, you were just a young, newly graduated woman who was afraid of everything and everyone. So you often just kept to yourself.

You sighed, looking down at the ground. Taking Nanami’s credit card hostage was a pathetic way of trying to rekindle a relationship that never existed in the first place. You made up your mind. It was time to head back home and drop off the card at the bakery so he could pick it up himself. Today’s excursion was just a giant waste of time much to your disappointment.

“Excuse me, miss. What are you doing here?”

“Huh?” A man was hovering over you. You swore he hadn’t been there a second ago.

You screamed. “P-please don’t hurt me!” You put your arms out in front of you, shielding yourself from any potential harm. “I don’t have much money, but you can have it all!”

The man burst out laughing. You slowly lowered your arms, hoping that his laughter meant he wasn’t going to attack you.

“I’m not going to hurt you, and I especially don’t want your money.”

You let out a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness.” No longer afraid, you took a closer look at the stranger. He was tall. Very tall. Wearing a black outfit and a matching blindfold that spiked up his white hair.

What a strange appearance.

“Well, I won’t hurt you as long as you tell me what you’re doing here.” You gulped, hearing the silent threat in his words.

“Umm, umm, well, you see I-I got a bit lost and w-was just taking a rest,” you stuttered nervously, fiddling with your hands. “I heard there’s a private school around here and I’m trying to find it, because I know someone who works there. His name is Kento Nanami and we used to work together many many years ago and I just happened to run into him last night at a bakery but he left his credit card there and I wanted to give it back to him in person, so I thought it was a good idea to deliver it at his workplace but this school is so hard to find I have no idea where I’m going and-and I think I’m just going to leave now actually.” You realized you were rambling, so you forcibly shut your mouth to stop yourself from looking like a complete fool in front of the stranger.

The man hummed in thought for several seconds before suddenly grinning and chuckling to himself. His demeanor no longer felt threatening.

“Kento Nanami, huh,” the man said, still smiling happily.

“Oh, you know him?” You perked up, suddenly hopeful.

Maybe they work together!

“Leave it to me!” the stranger cheered, giving you a thumbs up. “I’ll escort you to the school and make sure you hand-deliver that credit card to Nanami!”

You felt relieved, tears almost prickling your eyes. “Oh thank you so much!”

---

“Satoru.”

“Mm.”

“Can’t you tell there’s a human who has been wandering near the barrier for quite a while now? It looks like they’re trying to find a way in,” Yaga commented.

“Well, they can’t. Isn’t that the whole point of the barrier?”

“I know that!” the principal grunted angrily. “But since you’re just lounging here around doing nothing, go check it out.”

“Fine.” Gojo got off the couch and headed outside, wondering how a human accidentally wandered this close to the school so far up the mountains.

---

It only took several minutes before you and the strange man found a path leading to the school. You blinked in surprise. You felt like you had walked by this part of the road earlier but had seen nothing.

Walking alongside the man quietly, you suddenly realized you had completely forgotten your manners. Quickly bowing to your escort, you introduced yourself and thanked him for taking the time to safely bring you to the school.

“It’s no problem. Any friend of Nanami is a friend of mine. Oh, and I’m Satoru Gojo by the way. I’m the first-year teacher here.”

He was a teacher? This man wearing a blindfold in broad daylight? You swallowed nervously. You wondered what kind of school Nanami was working for exactly.

Once you finally reached the main school grounds, all of your reservations immediately melted away. “Wow!” you breathed. The campus was absolutely gorgeous with beautiful statues, shrines, and gates. You couldn’t help but stop and admire your surroundings. “This school is beautiful.”

Gojo brought you to the teacher’s lounge and gestured for you to sit down. “So, tell me again how you know our dear Nanami?”

---

Nanami had just finished a mission when his phone chimed, signaling a text. He finished wiping his blade clean before grabbing the device. The message was from Gojo.

Gojo: Come back to Jujutsu Tech. Your girlfriend is here ;)

The sorcerer stared at the message. 

Nanami: I have no idea what you mean.

Gojo: ( ˘ ³˘)♥

He angrily shoved his phone back in his pocket and walked over to the car where Ijichi was waiting. He entered the back seat before closing the door behind him. “Hurry up. I need to find a certain white-haired idiot and destroy him.”

---

Nanami was walking towards the teacher’s lounge when he heard your bright laughter. He froze for a couple of seconds.

What were you doing here?

He picked up the pace, quickly entering the lounge to see you giggling on the couch next to Gojo. For some reason, it bothered him to see how close the idiot was to you and how happy you looked in his presence.

“Nanami! You’re here!” Gojo exclaimed, immediately noticing the other sorcerer’s presence. 

You turned your head quickly towards the doorway with a bright grin. “Oh, Nanami! Hi again!”

Nanami observed the scene, trying to figure out what was going on, but he was drawing a blank. 

First of all, you weren’t a sorcerer. How did you enter the school grounds? 

Second, did you know Gojo? The two of you seemed quite friendly on the couch together. 

Third, was Gojo implying that you were his girlfriend? That was absolutely ridiculous.

“What are you doing here?” Nanami asked you cautiously, adjusting his sunglasses. 

“Oh!” You dug around in your bag, pulling out your wallet. You removed a blue credit card. “You left this behind at the bakery yesterday. I tried to chase after you, but you disappeared so quickly. I had the day off today, so I thought I would try to find your workplace and give your card back to you.” You got off the couch, approaching Nanami and handing him the card.

Nanami took the card from you before placing it back in his own wallet. “You didn’t have to do this. How did you even find your way here?”

“I found her wandering nearby!” Gojo jumped in, grinning at the other sorcerer. “Imagine my surprise when she said the two of you used to work together back when you were just a salaryman. I just had to invite her back here. You never mentioned you used to work with such a lovely lady.”

You visibly blushed at Gojo’s words which just bothered Nanami even more. “Thank you for returning my card, but I think it’s about time y—”

“Nanami. Nanami. Namami,” Gojo said in a singsong voice. “You’re all work and no fun. It’s been years since the two of you have seen each other, and you’re already trying to get rid of her? Don’t you want to catch up a little bit?”

You played with your hair, a little nervous. “I mean if you’re busy Nanami, I can go. But I was hoping we could talk a little bit.” You looked up at him with bright eyes. “I want to hear how you’ve been doing.”

Nanami took one look at your hopeful face and immediately gave in. “Alright.” He gestured for you to sit back down as he walked over to one of the armchairs. The sorcerer pretended like he didn’t see your little jump of excitement as you hurried back to the couch with Gojo.

Once the three of you were all seated comfortably, you brought up what you had been previously discussing with Gojo. “I didn’t know you’re teaching at the same high school you went to as a student. That’s pretty cool!”

“He was one of the few students who graduated and decided to leave the community,” Gojo pointed out. “Most of us stay here and continue working for the school.” Nanami subtly glared at the white-haired sorcerer, wondering how much he had told you about the jujutsu world.

“Why did you decide to come back then?” you asked curiously.

“I changed my mind,” Nanami simply stated. “I realized I would find my career slightly more rewarding if I worked for the school than that company.”

You nodded in agreement. “That makes sense. I’m glad we eventually both left that job.” You slightly grimaced, just thinking about your past. It didn’t go unnoticed by Nanami.

“When did you leave?” he asked.

You hummed, recalling the past. “It was probably a couple of months after you left. I, uh, messed up something really badly and I got fired.”

Nanami raised his eyebrows in surprise. You didn’t seem like the type to make big mistakes. He remembered you as quite the careful and diligent worker. He narrowed his eyes slightly, wondering if you were being deceitful.

“It’s ok though,” you continued. “I worked a couple of odd jobs afterward to keep up with the bills until I decided I wanted to become a nurse! So I’m actually back in school now and working part-time to help pay tuition.”

“A nurse, huh,” Gojo remarked. “What a noble career choice.”

“Ahh, I wouldn’t say I’m noble or anything. I just think I would find my life more fulfilling if I was actively helping people,” you explained. “Probably similar to how you felt when you switched careers, Nanami.”

He nodded at your words.

uThe three of you chatted amicably the rest of the day. Gojo and you mostly carried the conversation, but Nanami would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy listening to your voice. After he ran into you at the bakery last night, he couldn’t stop thinking about you. It was the first time he was confronted with his old life after deciding to become a sorcerer again. Part of Nanami wanted to never look back on that phase of his life again, but perhaps it wasn’t all bad. Sure, he hadn't particularly liked anyone from that office, but he didn’t mind you. You had always been quiet, polite, and hardworking. 

Nanami still remembered his last day at the office. You had organized a surprise farewell party just for him with a cake, balloons, and everything. After everyone had their fill of free food and left the conference room, you had shyly wished him luck in the future and said you would miss seeing him in the office. All those memories came rushing back after encountering you in that bakery.

The sun started to set when you finally noticed the time.

“Ah! I should probably go,” you announced, checking your phone. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstay my welcome.”

“No, no,” Gojo assured. “You are very much welcome here. Like I said earlier, any friend of Nanami is a friend of mine and all my friends are welcome here!”

“How do you plan on getting home?” Nanami asked, mildly concerned.

“Don’t worry!” Gojo said. “I got it handled. Ijichi will drive her back.”

“Huh? No, it’s fine,” you tried to argue. “I can get back by myself. It’s not a problem.”

“What kind of gentlemen would we be if we didn’t ensure you got home safely? Ijichi is our finest chauffeur,” the blindfolded man insisted. “He will take care of you.”

You looked at Nanami who simply nodded at you, encouraging you to accept Gojo’s offer. Sighing, you crossed your arms over your chest with a pout. “Alright. Thank you.”

The two men waved goodbye as you left in Ijichi’s car to head back home.

“Was it really wise to have her on the school grounds?” Nanami asked.

Gojo hummed. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. Normal humans aren’t allowed here for a reason.”

The blindfolded sorcerer didn’t reply. Instead, he took out his phone and started tapping on the screen. Nanami’s phone chimed. It was a text from Gojo. Opening it, he saw it was a string of numbers.

A phone number.

“You should call her sometime,” Gojo said. “She likes you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do. What kind of woman travels to the mountains on her day off to try and find a publically non-existent school to return a credit card to someone she doesn’t like?”

Nanami remained silent.

“Just because we’re adults and jujutsu sorcerers doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to have some normal fun. It’s alright to be selfish every once in a while.”

How badly Nanami wanted to believe Gojo’s words.

---

You heard the door open and close.

“Hello! How many I help y—Gojo?”

You blinked in surprise, not expecting to see the teacher at your workplace. While taking classes to become a nurse, you worked part-time at a small boba tea shop. You had just finished serving the flurry of college students who needed a midday pick-me-up when Gojo appeared. Several of the seated patrons whispered and pointed at him, wondering why he was wearing a blindfold and how he could see.

“Thought I would drop by and say hi,” he said with an easy grin.

You returned his smile. “Is Nanami with you too?” you asked, trying to sound casual.

“No, not today, unfortunately,” he replied. You tried to ignore the flash of disappointment you felt. “I’ll bring him next time.”

You perked up at Gojo’s promise, nodding eagerly. “Sounds good. So, would you like something to drink?” 

The man ordered a large brown sugar milk tea with extra sugar. You looked at him, mildly concerned. “You sure you want 120% sugar? It’s pretty sweet to begin with. Trust me.”

Gojo nodded. “Yup!”

“Alright,” you said with a shrug. You did try to warn him. 

You finished preparing Gojo’s drink and handed it to him along with a straw.

“Hey, do you mind if I borrow your phone for a second?” the teacher asked.

“Oh, sure,” you said, grabbing your phone from your back pocket.

Gojo took the device and opened the camera app. “Smile!” That was the only warning you got. He had taken a selfie of the two of you together. You weren’t even smiling in the photo, completely caught off guard. But Gojo was at least prepared, grinning happily and showing off his milk tea in one hand. You watched as the man repeatedly tapped on your phone screen.

“What are you doing?” you asked hesitantly.

“Here!” Gojo handed the phone back to you. Looking at the screen, you saw that he had sent the selfie of the two of you to a random number with a text that said “Having fun without you!”

“Um. Who did you send this to Gojo?”

“Nanami, of course!”

“Oh,” you said quietly, feeling butterflies in your stomach.

Nanami’s number!

You finally had it! 

Gojo chuckled to himself as he saw the way your eyes lit up.

“Oh, by the way,” you said, looking up from the phone. “It’s my birthday next weekend. I’m going out with a couple of friends on Saturday at 8pm at the bar around the corner, and I was wondering if you and Nanami would like to join? You should bring Ijichi too and anyone else from the school! Only if you want though. It’s ok if you don’t want to come or you’re worried about being awkward with my other friends even though they’re super cool and encouraged me to invite you guys and I promise I won’t be upset if you can��t make it because this is kind of last minute and I—”

“Sounds great!” Gojo interrupted your rambling. “I’ll be sure to pass along the information. We'll be there.”

“Really?” You grinned at the teacher. “Awesome! I guess I’ll see you then!”

Gojo waved at you goodbye as you tried to compose yourself before the next wave of customers arrived.

---

“Ahh!! You guys actually came!” you squealed as a group of individuals approached your table in the bar. You stumbled out of the large booth where your other friends were seated, already several shots in for the night. You clumsily hugged Gojo without thinking. Releasing him, you took in his new appearance.

“You look so different!” you commented. “But not in a bad way!” The man had traded in his signature blindfold for a pair of sunglasses that still hid his eye. His hair was lying down flat instead of its usual spiked-up look.

Behind Gojo, you saw Ijichi with a woman you didn’t recognize. 

“That’s Shoko Ieiri,” Gojo said, following your gaze. “She’s the doctor at our school.”

You happily greeted both of them, thanking them for coming. 

And finally, you saw the person you were looking forward to seeing the most. Nanami looked good as always. He was dressed a little more casually for the night without his signature jacket, tie, and sunglasses. Instead, he wore a crisp, blue button-up shirt with the top few buttons undone. You tried not to stare too much at his revealed skin.

As you approached Nanami, you reached out to hug him but you managed to stop yourself in time. You were worried about coming on too strong and opted for a small wave instead.

“Thanks for coming, Nanami! I’m so glad you came!”

Sitting at the table altogether, your other friends immediately fawned over Gojo. One of them grabbed you and whispered in your ear.

“What the hell? You didn’t tell me one of your friends was incredibly hot?”

You shrugged and ordered another round of shots for the whole table. Gojo ended up passing because he didn’t drink, so you took it upon yourself to finish it for him.

Nanami quietly nursed a beer as he observed the scene. He didn’t typically like crowded, loud bars like this, but he would make an exception for you. Gojo had also been extremely intent on making sure everyone from the school attended your little celebration. He managed to get Ijichi to come along only after getting Shoko to agree by bribing her with free alcohol.

Nanami was currently sitting across the booth from you, watching as you chatted with your friends. You were wearing a dark red dress that perfectly showed off your curves. The left strap of your dress was a little loose and it kept falling down the entire night despite you constantly readjusting it, not that Nanami had noticed. 

You looked so carefree and lively in this atmosphere. Every once in a while, you caught Nanami’s gaze and beamed at him happily.

At some point during the night, you left the table to go to the bathroom. It was only once you tried walking back to everyone that you realized how drunk you were. Stumbling a bit in your high heels, you leaned against the wall by the bathrooms for stability.

“Excuse me miss, are you alright?”

A man approached you, but you instantly waved him off. “Mmm, I’m good,” you replied. “Thanks though.” You were determined to make it back to your friends on your own, but as soon as you took a step away from the wall, you tripped. The man caught you before you could hit the ground. He had a tight grip on your waist.

 “You don’t seem good,” he chuckled softly. “How about I help you?” You could feel his hands starting to go lower, and you quickly latched onto them and tried to pry them off you.

“I said no,” you said firmly, but the man ignored you and pressed you against the wall. “Get off!” You struggled against him but to no avail.

Suddenly, the weight of the man was lifted and you felt like you could breathe again.

“Are you alright?” a smooth voice asked. 

You looked up to see Nanami in front of you. You nodded silently and admired his strong jawline and sharp eyes in the bar’s dark lighting. 

“Can you walk?”

You nodded again. Taking a step away from the wall, you immediately staggered again much to your embarrassment. Nanami grabbed your arm and lifted you up until you were half leaning on him for support. Inhibitions suddenly gone from all the alcohol in your system, you wrapped your arms around his broad shoulders and gave him a hug. The man tried to ignore the shiver that went up his spine when he felt your warm, soft body pressed up against him. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was quite jealous that you had hugged Gojo when they first arrived. What was so special about that idiot anyway? Nanami slowly wrapped his arms around you, indulging himself for once and returning the hug.

“I’m so glad you came,” you mumbled against his chest. “I was so happy that I ran into you at the bakery that one night. But I was afraid I would never see you again.” You paused. “I really wanted to see you again.”

Nanami didn’t know how to respond to your words, so he gently rubbed your back instead. You leaned into his touch happily.

“Let’s get back to the others,” he said gently. You sighed and reluctantly removed yourself from the embrace. Nanami half-carried you back to the table and carefully deposited you next to your friends. To your disappointment, he didn’t sit down next to you and instead headed towards the front doors.

“Nanami? Where are you going?” Gojo asked, eyebrows raised.

“I’ll be back.”

When Nanami exited the bar, he was greeted by several couples who were taking a smoke break. He walked a bit further away, so he could be alone. The sorcerer leaned against a random building, taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself down. 

Nanami felt quite ashamed of himself. Acting like a hormonal teenage boy just because he briefly held you while you were wearing that damn dress. He tried to ignore the way his cock was straining in his pants. Gritting his teeth, he willed his body to relax. Nanami refused to let you see him so worked like this. He especially couldn’t let Gojo see. He could only imagine the endless teasing he would endure from the blindfolded idiot.

Inside the bar, you watched sadly as Nanami left. You wondered if it was something you did to scare him away.

Gojo sat next to you and handed you a glass of water. “Drink,” he commanded.

You did as you were told, keeping an eye on the doors to see if Nanami had come back in yet. “Does Nanami not like me?” you asked Gojo quietly with a pout.

The man chuckled. “I assure you that’s not the case.”

You turned to look at him. “How do you know?”

Gojo lowered his sunglasses slightly, and you were able to get a glimpse of his gorgeous blue eyes for the first time. “Trust me. I have good eyes.”

---

Nanami ended the call with Ijichi. He leaned against the wall of the bathroom with a grimace. He was still applying pressure to the wound he had received from Mahito. The sorcerer scrolled through the contacts list on his phone. He found himself hovering over your name.

Yes, he did save your number from Gojo’s text. Why wouldn’t he? It would be frivolous to ignore that kind of contact information.

Nanami grabbed another wad of paper towel to replace the one that was already drenched in blood. He grunted in pain.

A nurse, huh.

He wondered what you would do if you saw him right now. If you fuss over him and take care of his injuries yourself. Nanami sighed. He wouldn’t mind that. Would you carefully unbutton his shirt to get a better look at the wound? He could almost imagine the way your fingers would ghost over his stomach.

With a groan, Nanami banged his head against the wall. He couldn’t believe he was fantasizing about you while profusely bleeding in a public restroom.

The sorcerer cleaned up his blood all over the sink and threw out the dirty wads of paper towels. He went outside to wait for Ijichi to bring him back to school for proper treatment.

---

“I’m going to take my break!” you announced to your coworkers as you exited the bubble tea shop. You decided to go outside for a quick breather because it was such a nice, sunny day. Avoiding the crowds, you headed over to the alleyways near the shop to scroll through Twitter in peace.

You were so engrossed by your phone that you didn’t notice the presence of someone next to you. It was only when you heard them clear their throat that you looked next to you to see a man wearing sunglasses and a hat.

“Oh, sorry. Am I in your way? I can move.”

In the blink of an eye, he held a knife to your neck. You felt the cool blade lightly press into your skin. You held your breath, afraid to react in any way.

“Don’t scream. Don’t move,” he hissed.

Your eyes widened in shock.

That voice.

You recognized that voice.

The man grabbed you by the back of the neck and pulled you in the opposite direction of the busy street where unaware pedestrians were still walking by. He pressed the knife against your side now, digging it into the thin t-shirt you had to wear for work.

“Walk.”

He led you to an abandoned building several minutes away. Once you were inside and the door closed shut, he roughly shoved you to the ground.

You landed in a heap, groaning in pain. Turning around, you finally faced your captor.

“It’s you, isn’t you,” you said evenly. “Boss.”

The man chuckled, removing the hat and sunglasses. It was your former boss from the company where you and Nanami had once worked together. You dug your nails in the palms of your hands. If he was here, you knew you were in trouble.

“You called the cops, didn’t you!” he yelled at you, pointing the knife at you menacingly.

Cops? What was he talking about?

“No, I didn’t,” you replied honestly.

“You BITCH! Don’t lie to me.” He waved the knife closer at you.

“I promise! I didn’t tell anyone!”

With a shout, the man grabbed your hair and held the knife to your neck again. You squeezed your eyes shut and couldn’t help but let a small whimper leave your lips.

The truth was you weren't just fired from your job. You were threatened. When numbers weren’t adding up, you realized that your boss was embezzling money and had been doing so for a long time. He found out that you knew the truth and protected himself by forcibly ousting you from the company. As a young professional, you knew better than to fight against a big shot financial executive. When he warned you to stay quiet or face his wrath, you were wise enough to shut your mouth, clean your desk, and leave the building immediately. True to your word, you had never mentioned your boss’s crimes to anyone. You thought you were safe to move on with the rest of your life but apparently, that was not the case.

The man spat at you before roughly kicking you away. He started pacing as you wiped his spit off your cheek with a disgusted groan.

“This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. I’m about to lose everything. EVERYTHING!”

As he muttered to himself, you tried to survey your surroundings and determine if there was a way you could safely escape. Before you could figure anything out, your old boss approached you again, knife still in hand. He seemed to have made up his mind about what he was going to do.

“You’re going to fix this. Yea. This is your fault. I’ll pin it all on you. You’ll go down for this, not me!”

As the man ranted and raved at you, something appeared in the shadows behind him. There was some movement. You blinked your eyes, wondering if it was just a trick of your imagination. But to your horror, a green creature grew larger and larger in the background. It had three heads, each with multiple eyes and giant drooling mouths with huge teeth. The monster raised its multiple arms, hovering over your boss with all eyes fixed on him like he was a piece of prey.

“Scared, aren’t you?” the man commented with a chuckle. He was misinterpreting the horrified look on your face. “This is what you get for messing with the wrong man.”

You shook your head slowly and lifted a shaky finger to point behind him.

He turned around, dropping the knife in shock.

The weapon clattered to the ground.

Your boss screamed. He immediately tried to run away, but one of the monster’s arms snatched him in a tight grip. The three heads fought with each other as if deciding which one of them would get to swallow the prize. You took that as a cue to start running.

The monster was blocking the way you entered, so you ran towards the only other door you saw, which led to a stairwell. You ran up a couple of floors before hiding in a small closet you found. It was cramped and dusty but you hoped it was enough to hide you from that creature.

Sitting on the ground, you took out your phone shakily and called the police.

“Hello, what is your emergency?”

“I’m trapped in an abandoned building, and there’s a monster here.” You realized it sounded ridiculous, but you didn’t know what else to say in the moment.

The dispatcher groaned. “This is the last time! You kids have to stop with the prank calls. This line is for emergencies only!”

They hung up on you.

You stared at your cell phone in disbelief.

Shit.

Instinctively, you scrolled through your contacts list until you found who you were looking for. You pressed the call button.

Please pick up. Please pick up.

It went to voicemail.

You cursed to yourself again.

“Nanami,” you whispered quietly, voice quivering. “I don’t know when you’ll listen to this, but you have to believe me. I’m in an abandoned building near my job, and I swear there’s a monster here. I-I think it might have killed our old boss. I don’t know what to do, I tri—”

There was a loud bang. You quickly hung up and pressed the phone into your chest while you covered your mouth and nose with your other hand to quiet your harsh breathing. The sounds got closer and closer until it sounded like it was right outside the closet door. Your heart was beating so loudly you were worried the monster would hear it. But luckily, the noises started to become fainter. Eventually, you heard nothing even after a long time of terrified waiting.

Once you were reasonably convinced the coast was clear, you quietly opened the closet door and peeked out. The hallway was empty. Maybe this was your chance to finally escape the building.

You carefully climbed to your feet and tiptoed your way back to the stairwell. 

Your phone loudly chimed. The noise echoed throughout the empty building. It was a text message from your coworker asking where you went. You had forgotten to turn your phone on silent.

Almost instantaneously, the monster started roaring from the floor beneath you. You barely caught a glimpse of it before running up the stairs again until you reached the top floor. Exiting the stairway, you ran through the hallways until you reached a dead end.

Back pressed up against the wall, you watched in horror as the monster let out a sharp laugh as it approached you. There was blood dripping out of the mouths of all three heads. You didn’t want to think about where it came from. With no other options left, you weakly held your arms up in front of your face and squeezed your eyes shut with a whimper.

Suddenly, there was an angry shout and a loud splat.

You felt some sort of liquid splash all over you. Lowering your arms, an unexpected sight greeted you. It was the body of the monster all chopped up into pieces. You realized you were covered in its blood.

Behind the monster’s corpse stood Nanami. He had a covered blade in his hand that was also stained with the creature’s purple blood.

“N-Nanami?” you whispered hoarsely.

You couldn’t believe your eyes. Did he take down that monster? With a sword?

Nanami wiped the blood off his weapon, putting it away in its holster. He approached you as you shuddered violently, still in shock.

“Are you hurt?” he asked gently.

You shook your head no, wrapping your arms around yourself.

He kneeled down in front of you, taking out a handkerchief from his pocket and wiping the droplets of blood from your face.

“What was that thing?” you whispered.

Nanami sighed, twisting the handkerchief in his hands once your face was relatively clean.

“A curse.”

You gave him a confused look.

“It’s a long explanation.”

“Yo!”

You flinched as Gojo suddenly appeared out of nowhere in the hallway. You instinctively grabbed onto Nanami’s arm in fear. He glared at the blindfolded sorcerer in anger for startling you.

“Oh, you’re already done here? I thought I’d check up on you two to make sure everything’s okay.”

First, your boss had threatened you with a knife. Then, a giant monster, no, curse appeared and attacked both of you. Nanami killed said curse. And now Gojo had appeared out of thin air. Your brain was officially broken. You just wanted to go to sleep. Surely this had to be a dream. You would wake up and everything would be normal again.

“We should probably bring her to Shoko just to make sure she’s fine and clean her up,” Gojo said, observing how your eyes were starting to glaze over.

Nanami nodded in agreement. He lightly touched your shoulder, but you hardly reacted. He said your name quietly. Blinking slowly, you finally turned to acknowledge him. “I’m tired,” you mumbled.

“I know,” Nanami said gently. He picked you up in his arms. “You can go to sleep. I’ll keep you safe.” With a sigh of relief, you closed your eyes and surrendered to the darkness.

You woke up in a small room, tucked under the covers in a warm bed. Nanami was silently sitting in a chair next to you. You let out a deep breath and turned towards the man. The rustling of the covers alerted him that you were finally awake.

“Why was the boss with you?” Nanami asked suddenly.

So it wasn't a dream.

“Oh. He was trying to threaten me,” you explained. “I didn’t lose my job because I made a mistake. I found out he was embezzling money. He said the cops were starting to question him, so he accused me of reporting him.”

Nanami clenched his fists in anger. That bastard.

“Is he alive?” you asked.

“No.”

“I figured.”

You quietly observed Nanami. He had taken off his sunglasses and blazer. You admired his wide shoulders and the way his tie was slightly loosened. 

“Nanami. What do you actually do?”

He shook his head. “I don’t want to tell you.”

You gripped the covers. “Why not?”

“Because,” Nanami sighed. “It’s a dangerous profession. You don’t need to be dragged into this world for no good reason.”

“What do you mean?” You didn’t understand what he was saying. “I do have a reason. It’s you.”

The man didn’t respond.

You sat up in bed suddenly. “If you won’t tell me, I’ll ask Gojo.” You started to climb out of bed, but Nanami stopped you.

“Fine. Fine. I’ll tell you. Sit back down.” He let out of a deep breath, rubbing his face.

You silently listened as Nanami discussed the existence of curses, the theories behind cursed energy, and the role of jujutsu sorcerers. He explained how the school’s true purpose was to train the next generation of sorcerers and act as the main headquarters for all jujutsu-related activities. 

You only asked one question. “Why was I able to see that curse?”

“Regular humans can see them in life or death situations.”

“I see.”

Nanami was surprised at your reaction to learning about cursed spirits thus far. He expected you to ask more questions, to be more doubtful, to laugh and call him an idiot, or to scream and accuse him of being crazy. But you did none of those things. You just listened quietly and accepted everything he said as true. 

In your heart, you knew there was no reason to doubt Nanami. You were trying to wrap your brain around the existence of curses you couldn’t see, but you didn’t consider that the sorcerer was lying to you for a single second. He wasn’t that kind of person.

Nanami abruptly stood up. “Ijichi will drive you back home.” He started to walk away from you, but you quickly grabbed his wrist.

“Wait, don’t go,” you pleaded, eyes wide. “I haven’t thanked you for saving me yet. Thank you, Nanami.” You didn't want him to leave you. Not yet. You didn't want to be alone.

The sorcerer refused to look at you. “I think it’s best if you kept your distance from Gojo, me, and this school.”

“What?” you breathed. “What are you saying? I-I won’t tell anyone about curses or that you’re a sorcerer if that’s what you’re worried about. I promise.”

“That’s not it. I already told you. This world is dangerous. You should stay away.” He paused. “Stay away from me.”

You flinched, releasing Nanami’s wrist. The sorcerer walked out of the room without another word. You didn’t call out after him.

As Nanami walked away, he knew he made the right decision. There was no reason for you to get involved with the jujutsu world. He wanted you to live a normal life, not one plagued by constant death and despair. He was doing this for you. For your future and your safety.

“It’s alright to be selfish every once in a while.”

Gojo’s words echoed in his mind.

No. This wasn’t about him. It was about you. It wasn’t right for him to drag you into his world. He should be happy. Happy that you would eventually move on and live a long, successful life.

But why did he feel so sad instead?

---

Numerous opened textbooks and notebooks were scattered around you on your bed. You had an upcoming exam at the end of next week and were in the midst of cramming a semester’s worth of information in your head.

There was a knock on the door.

You frowned, carefully getting off the bed and walking over to the door. You weren’t expecting any visitors or a delivery today. Looking through the peephole, you gasped. You clutched your hands against your chest, trying to calm your frantically beating heart.

What was he doing here?

You hadn’t talked to or seen Nanami since your last conversation with him at Jujutsu Tech. And that hadn't ended well. You respected his request to stay away from him and Gojo, making no attempts to contact either of the two sorcerers. Instead, you had thrown yourself into your schoolwork and picked up some extra shifts at the boba shop. The less free time you had to think about your emotions, the better.

But now the man who still weighed heavily on your heart was at your doorstep. You wondered whether or not to pretend you weren’t home, but you couldn’t bring yourself to turn him away. He had clearly come here for a good reason and you wanted to know why, especially because he was the one that told you to keep your distance from him.

You unlocked the door and opened it slightly.

“Nanami.”

He said your name quietly.

The two of you looked at each other in complete silence. You waited for him to say something, but the man just continued to stand there without a word.

“Umm, well, I have an exam I need to study for, so if you have nothing to say I’m just going to g—”

Nanami suddenly pushed the door open wider, shoving you into your apartment. You stood there in shock as the door slammed shut behind the sorcerer. His unusually aggressive behavior had you baffled.

“What’s wrong with you?” you asked sharply. The man told you to leave him alone but then showed up at your apartment and invited himself inside without a word. You couldn’t help but feel a little irritated. “What are you do— mmph!”

Nanami had pushed you against the wall and kissed you.

You froze in surprise for a second before immediately kissing him back fervently.

One of his hands had settled on your waist while the other was pressed against the wall by your head. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pressed him closer to you, unable to get enough of this man. Nanami eventually left your lips, causing you to groan in frustration before he attacked your neck with wet kisses. You panted heavily, brain suddenly fuzzy as you tried to process that this was actually happening.

“W-what happened to staying away?” you breathed as Nanami sucked on a particularly sensitive spot that left you weak.

“I changed my mind,” he muttered against your skin before continuing to attack your neck.

After Itadori had saved him from Mahito’s domain, Nanami realized he had been given a second chance. He didn’t want to live a life without regret, especially as a sorcerer. So he decided to heed Gojo’s advice for once. 

He wanted to be a little selfish. 

He wanted you.

Nanami pressed his forehead against yours as he rubbed his hands up and down your soft curves. You breathed heavily, trying to catch your breath as you got lost in his dark gaze. 

“Bedroom,” you whispered. Nanami nodded and quickly released you, so you could guide him to your room. 

As soon as you entered the bedroom, you inwardly cursed. In the heat of the moment, you had completely forgotten what you had been doing before Nanami arrived. “Uh, sorry, let me clean up real quick.”

What a way to kill the mood!

Nanami didn’t seem to mind. He looked fairly amused as you swiftly closed all the books on your bed and haphazardly tossed them on the ground. Once the bed was finally cleared, you turned around to face Nanami, but he was already one step ahead of you. He gently pushed you on the bed, so you landed on your back as he hovered over you. Your breath caught in your throat as you admired the man in front of you. He was absolutely perfect. 

Nanami played with the hem of your shirt. Taking the hint, you sat up a little and swiftly removed your shirt and bra, throwing them in the corner of your room. Nanami let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding as you took in your body. You fought the urge to cover yourself, feeling slightly embarrassed at how intensely the man was looking at you.

“You’re beautiful,” he breathed as you flushed in response. He reached out with both his hands to start kneading your breasts. You moaned as he began playing with your nipples that were already hard from excitement. Nanami removed his hand from your left breast and replaced it with his mouth. You squirmed underneath him in pleasure as he lapped and sucked on your nipple. Once he was satisfied with his work, the sorcerer switched to your other breast to give it the same treatment. With every flick of his tongue, you could feel electricity run through your body. You only craved his touch more and more.

Nanami started kissing down the valley of your breasts to your stomach. He eventually reached the hem of your shorts. “May I?” he asked.

You nodded, unable to trust your voice at the moment.

As he started tugging down your shorts, you lifted your hips to assist him. The garment was carelessly tossed to the ground. Immediately, Nanami could see how soaked your underwear was with your own arousal. His dick twitched in his pants. The sight of you so wet and eager from his touch alone only heightened his lust for you.

You practically sighed in relief when Nanami removed your underwear, fully exposing yourself to him. The heat from your core was overwhelming. You needed him to touch you and relieve some of that pressure before you lost your mind. A single finger stroked your folds, already slick with arousal. You gasped while Nanami groaned, enjoying how wet you already were for him.

“I’ve barely touched you and you’re like this already,” Nanami teased. You panted, trying to grind yourself on his hand for more friction, more pressure, more anything. He chuckled seeing how desperate you were for his touch. The sorcerer finally reached your swollen nub and rubbed it leisurely. You immediately cried out, arching your hips into man’s touch.

“Fuck,” you cursed as pleasure surged throughout your veins. Your eyes were squeezed tight as Nanami continued to play with your clit. You were so distracted by his fingers that you barely registered the hot breath near your entrance. It was only when a wet tongue began to prod into you that you realized what was happening.

With a gasp, your eyes flew upon to see Nanami’s head comfortably settled between your legs as he licked at your cunt without restraint. The sight of him eating you out only stoked the raging fire inside you. You buried one of your hands in Nanami’s hair as he worked diligently to get you off. The way he lapped at your fluids and sucked at your entrance had you moaning and quivering uncontrollably. 

“You taste so good,” he groaned against your folds as you barely registered his words.

A familiar pressure was building in your body. As it got stronger and stronger, you couldn’t stop your legs from thrashing about. With a growl, Nanami locked his arms around your legs to keep them as still. It only took a gentle suck to your swollen clit for the tension in your body to finally snap. Mouth opened wide in a silent scream, you writhed around on the bed as you finally reached your peak. 

Your mind was completely emptied while white-hot pleasure overtook your entire body. You swore you could see stars behind your eyes. As you rode out the last waves of your orgasm, Nanami eagerly slurped up your release, refusing to let a single drop go to waste.

Once you came down from your high, you released Nanami’s hair and laid back on the bed with a sigh. He removed himself from between your legs. Your fluids still covered his face, and his normally styled hair was a complete mess from your grip. Just the sight of him was enough to cause another spark of desire to flare between your legs. This man was going to be the death of you.

“Holy fuck, Nanami,” you breathed.

“Kento,” he replied, wiping his mouth clean on his sleeve. “Call me Kento.”

You flushed. Saying his first name felt incredibly intimate. 

“Kento.” 

He grunted with approval and then began to unbutton his shirt. You licked your lips as his broad shoulders and wide chest were finally revealed to you. He was incredibly well-built with defined muscles and abs, but a number of scars littered his body. Some looked quite fresh while others were old and almost completely faded.

This was the body of a jujutsu sorcerer.

You now understood why Nanami warned you that the jujutsu world was unsafe. You couldn’t imagine the suffering behind all those wounds. Perhaps one day he would be willing to share his pain with you, so you could understand his world.

You wanted to rub your hands up and down Nanami’s bare chest, but he moved out of your reach to start fiddling with his belt. Eyes lowering, you swallowed nervously as you stared at the large bulge that greeted you. Nanami slid down his pants and underwear in one go, erect cock finally released from its confines and bobbing in the air slightly.

The sight of him was both mouthwatering and intimidating. You admired the bulging veins and the bits of pre-cum that were already leaking out from the tip. He wasn’t excessively long, but he was incredibly thick. You nervously wondered if you would be able to handle his impressive girth.

You wanted to touch and taste him, but Nanami wasn’t interested. He gently pushed away your eager hands and instead spread open your legs once again. At the moment, he was more concerned about prepping you than chasing after his own pleasure.

He pressed one finger into your entrance, groaning as your walls greedily sucked him inside. You gasped, clenching around him. With how easily you were able to take one finger, Nanami slipped a second into you. It didn’t hurt, but you could feel your cunt stretching around them as they thrust in and out of you. Nanami’s fingers were so thick and long that you already felt so full.

“You’re so tight,” Nanami hissed as you got lost in pleasure once again. He pushed those two fingers in and out of you, occasionally scissoring them to loosen you up. You could hear how wet you were as he continued prepping you to take his cock. Nanami moved his fingers at just the right angle to hit a spot that had you instantly moaning and clenching around him. But he suddenly removed himself from you which had you whining at the sudden loss of contact, feeling empty. However, you stopped complaining as you watched Nanami stroke his dick, spreading your fluids and his pre-cum all over himself.

“Are you on birth control or do I need a con—”

“I’m on birth control,” you cut him off impatiently. “Hurry up. I want you inside me.”

Nanami didn’t keep you waiting much longer. He lined himself at your entrance and slowly began to push in. It wasn’t painful, but you still gasped as your walls stretched to accommodate his girth. The sorcerer immediately cursed when his tip entered you. You were so hot and tight around his cock that it took all his self-restraint not to immediately ram his full length into you. With slow, shallow strokes, you were able to accommodate more and more until his entire cock was buried inside you.

You felt so incredibly full. Your hand gripped the blanket on your bed to anchor yourself as you tried to get used to the sensation of being stuffed with Nanami’s dick. He tried to remain still above you, waiting for your signal. Eventually, you met his gaze and gave a little nod. He sweetly kissed you on the lips before he started to move.

Nanami started at a slow pace afraid to hurt you at first, but he eventually settled into a rhythm that had you moaning his name over and over again. You were so wet that he slid in and out of you effortlessly, rubbing against your walls in a way that had you seeing stars again. You had wrapped your legs against his waist, allowing him to enter you even deeper. 

You were almost babbling nonsense at this point, unaware of exactly what you were saying as your mind was just consumed by pleasure. “Fuck. Kento. You’re so big,” you whined. “Faster. Harder. D-don’t stop. Please don’t stop.”

Nanami adjusted the angle of his thrusts until he finally found the spot that had you gasping and clenching down on him again. He groaned, making sure to continue hitting the same exact spot with strong, fast thrusts at just the right tempo. “You’re so perfect. Looking at you, taking my cock so well,” he growled.

The pressure was building again. Everything was so overwhelming. The lewd, wet noises of your bodies moving together. The way Nanami growled praises of you in your ear. The muscles on his back rippling with exertion underneath your wandering hands. You just needed that one final push.

One of your hands sneaked down to rub your clit, but Nanami pushed it away and pressed his thumb against your swollen nub instead. Just a couple of strokes had you reaching your peak again. You clenched down so hard around Nanami that his hips stuttered, groaning loudly in your ear. You were completely consumed by wave after wave of pleasure. You couldn’t think. You couldn’t hear. You couldn’t see. All you could register was the pure bliss that racked your entire body, leaving you gasping and shuddering.

Nanami continued to fuck you through your orgasm, ramming his cock into you over and over again. His thrusts had become more frantic and uneven, chasing his own climax after you started to come down from yours.

“Where should I cum?” he groaned with gritted teeth.

You wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him down closer to you.

“Cum inside me,” you panted against his ear.

He groaned. You were perfect. Absolutely perfect.

With a couple of more thrusts, Nanami completely buried himself inside you when he flooded your cunt with his cum. He remained inside for several more moments to catch his breath before finally removing himself from you. You slightly winced as his cock brushed past your sensitive walls. Nanami couldn’t help but admire the way his cum slowly dribbled out of you.

He laid down next to you as you both began to calm down. No words were needed between the two of you. The silence was comfortable as you cuddled against his chest. Nanami rubbed your back absentmindedly as you hummed in delight.

Eventually, the two of you got out of bed and cleaned up. The textbooks and notebooks haphazardly thrown on your floor were ignored for the rest of the day. You thought you deserved a break anyways. The two of you ate dinner together, cuddled on the couch while watching a movie, and went at it again for another round before settling down to go to sleep.

You were passed out next to Nanami, completely worn out from the day’s activities and normal sleep deprivation you had as a student. Your heavy breathing was the only sound in the tiny apartment. It strangely calmed Nanami just listening to you. He turned towards you and stroked your hair affectionately. 

A part of Nanami still worried if he had made the right choice with you. He was still concerned about your safety and well-being. Would he only bring you more grief if you constantly agonized over his dangerous missions as a jujutsu sorcerer? 

He let out a quiet sigh. He knew he would have regretted it if he continued to push you away. And if he was going to be a sorcerer, he wanted to be a sorcerer with no regrets. 

Nanami only hoped that he would never cause you any pain and anguish because of his profession. It was rare for sorcerers and non-sorcerers to find happiness as a couple. But perhaps the two of you would be an exception.

He prayed the two of you would be an exception.

---

“Welcome! How may I help y—oh!” You blinked in surprise as three individuals walked into the small boba shop.

Gojo waved at you with an easy grin. Nanami stood next to him as handsome and stoic as ever, but there was a new face behind them. He looked like a high schooler.

The blindfolded teacher wrapped his arms around the boy’s shoulder and pointed at him. “Meet Yuji Itadori! One of our first-year students!”

“Oh, it’s nice to meet you,” you said introducing yourself.

The boy tilted his head, looking at you curiously. “How do you know Gojo-sensei and Nanamin?”

Nanamin?

You chuckled at the cute nickname. 

“I told you to stop calling me that, Itadori,” Nanami replied, clearly bothered.

“Well, I’m…” you hesitated. You didn’t know what to say. A friend? An ex-coworker? A normal person who couldn't see curses but knew about their existence?

“She’s Nanami’s girlfriend!” Gojo exclaimed to your horror. You immediately flushed and looked to Nanami for him to clarify, but he didn’t react. He glared at the blindfolded sorcerer as per usual but didn’t refute the statement. Your eyes widened in realization. 

“Uh, y-yeah,” you stammered. “I guess I am.”

“Nanamin has a girlfriend!?” Itadori gasped. He had even more respect for his mentor now.

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Nanami growled much to your amusement.

You took their orders and began to prepare the drinks. Nanami and Idatori were talking in the corner while Gojo hung out at the counter near you. You had just finished sealing the drinks when the teacher explained something to you.

“Oh, by the way, Yuji is supposed to be dead so be sure to not mention his existence to anyone else.”

You almost dropped the drink you were holding. “Um, okay.” You thought it was better not to ask questions.

Gojo thanked you as he took his drink from your hand and grabbed a straw for himself. “Yo! Nanami! Yuji! Grab your drinks and let’s head out!”

Itadori followed Gojo out the door once he had his milk tea, but Nanami stayed behind.

“I meant it.”

“Huh?” you asked, cleaning the counter with a rag.

“I want you to be my girlfriend.”

You blinked, processing his words. A bright smile grew on your face. “Well, according to Gojo, I’m already your girlfriend.”

Nanami let out a rare chuckle and flashed you a small smile. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Goodbye!” You waved as he left the shop.

Your coworker came out of the back room, looking at you suspiciously. “Why are you so smiley?” She looked around the empty shop. “There’s no one here.”

“Oh, no reason," you replied with a hum.

[heartnosekid]

i have two posts i will link here and here! they're basically a stimboard of my favorite stimboards i’ve ever made and a moodboard of my favorite moodboards i've ever made. i will go into depth for a moment here and talk about each board and how long they took me really briefly.

stimboards:

lolly - lolly is probably in my top five favorite villagers, she is just so sweet so i wanted to capture her essence in a board. this board took me no time at all really, i was determined to get it done and i had a fire in me to create lol, so maybe twenty minutes at most.

green jelly - this one of three (purple, pink, green) jelly stimboards i made. i just found them visually pleasing and i specifically really loved the specific minty green this one had. out of the three jelly boards, this one took me the least amount of time, probably about 20 - 30 minutes.

adult ellie - ellie is one of my favorite characters of all time, and i had just finished playing the second game for the first time when i created this board. i wanted it to be less of a stimboard and more of an aesthetically pleasing take on the essence of ellie herself. i tried to include all the things that were most important to her identity, like drawing, playing guitar, tattoos, and listening to music. this stimboard took me maybe 30 - 45 minutes to create, as i had a very specific vibe i wanted to create to fully encapsulate ellie.

sakura with subtle nonbinary flag themes - this was a request from an anon, which i did with fervent vigor lol. i LOVE sakura, and this request for a subtle enby themed sakura board? um of course i love this board lol. i don't recall working on it very long, just staring at it a lot after posting! hehe

clear blue heart soap with key in the middle - this image pleases me a lot and i wanted to make a board for it plain and simple lol. it took me maybe an hour to create, as i had to crop some gifs and search a bit longer to find that exact hue of blue.

grey zacharie with smoke - someone actually requested this and i was sososososo grateful cuz zacahrie is a huge comfort character to me!! also here is a photo of me cosplaying as him a few years ago hehe (almost face reveal) plz do not insult the mask, it is handmade and i am not crafty by nature and this is the only cosplay i have ever done lol

this board took me maybe 30 minutes to create, and the mask took three hours! :3

kaworu nagisa - preeeetty sure this was a request, but anyone who knows me personally knows i love kaworu so very much, he was one of my first anime crushes even before i watched evangelion. the board took maybe 15 minutes to create, was very simple, i had a very gifs already saved up for this specific board so i was ready to create it when the time came hehe.

glasswing butterfly - this one was also a request! so, this one took me maybe a total of 3 hours to create. i kind of struggled finding the exact right shades of brown and white and also a combination of clear as well, but i am very pleased with the outcome! time well spent, i'd say!

coraline with no food - this was requested by @nectardew! this was a wonderful request and one of my all time favorites because coraline is very near and dear to my heart. my mother read me the book countless times when i was younger, at my request, and i always felt the story was very dear to me. i especially related with coraline's loneliness and desire for another, more fantastical life. but, to anyone that's read or seen the film adaptation, the general message behind all of coraline (at least this is what i got from it as a child) was to appreciate what i had, and to understand everyone has difficult, different lives and we all deal with it differently. it also taught me that not every beautiful face is going to treat you kindly. this board took me no time, maybe 10 to 15 minutes. one of my absolute favorites for sure.

moodboards:

revenant x bloodhound - this was requested by my dear friend @lokixfaith! this one of my favorite moodboards because isa effectively introduced me to revhound (my otp) and also had me create one of my favorite pieces of content ever lol. it didn't take me long to make however, maybe twenty minutes.

halloween nostalgia - pretty sure this was requested by an anon, but basically i am just a sucker for anything halloween, and if you pull my childhood late 90s early 2000s halloween nostalgia strings, of course it'll make my favorite boards list lol. this board didn't take very long, 30 minutes at most!

loba - this was my first apex legends moodboard! i made it on whim when my blog was still young, and it became one of my favorite boards i've ever made! it took me maybe ten minutes to create. i was on a roll with her aesthetic. lol

pastel babycore - an anon requested this! i love the pastel babycore aesthetic and i like the photos i chose in tandem. it definitely took less than 25 minutes to create.

care bears with clouds - requested by an anon! i love anything care bears and clouds feel very dreamy and the cloud imagery in the care bears movies and cartoons made it very easy for me to capture its essence. it took maybe 45 minutes to create!

"hazey" - this board was inspired by a pinterest board of mine, linked here. it's supposed to be a summarized board of all the settings and textures that made me feel safe as a child. it took me maybe 5 minutes because i had the board already created on pinterest before creating a board for tumblr hehe

zagreus - this was requested by an anon! and well i had just watched my friend play through all of hades and loved every darn second of it, so it was easy and fun to create this board for zag! it took me only a few minutes, maybe 10, mostly cuz i was just inspired.

pastel tsukiyama shuu with some flowers - back when i read tokyo ghoul, tsukiyama was always my one of my favorite characters. i mean what can i say i just love characters that are very blatantly homosexual, it's liberating. however, this board was requested by @lokixfaith! the board took me maybe 10 minutes to create, after applying all the filters to the photos to create the overall vibe.

intimidator bloodhound - this was actually the first board @lokixfaith requested from me, oh good memories. i loved creating this board, and the fact they made it their header on their blog made me even happier! it took me maybe 30 to 45 minutes to create, as i wanted to nail the aesthetic and had to switch out a couple photos in the making of it.

[oliviastan17]

Stuck (3/?) Vegas Part 1

Length: 2.5k 

Warnings: Language, drinking, gambling, fluff, smut

A/n: Seb in this shirt inspired this smut. GIF not mine. DO NOT POST TO ANY OTHER WEBSITE. Reblog please! There will be a Vegas Part 2!

Liv was exhausted but her mind was keeping her from falling asleep. She just worked 4 12’s in a row and she should have been able to fall asleep quickly. She had been tossing and turning in bed for about an hour when she heard Sebastian unlocking her front door.

With her apartment dark he quietly walked in, put his bag down, and shoes off.

“I’m awake,” she said quietly.

“Sorry. Dinner ran late,” he said taking his clothes until he was only in his underwear. He lifted the blankets up and lay down on his side of the bed. They had been together for 3 months and hadn’t spent a night apart so sides of the bed had been determined a long time ago.

“Sorry I didn’t want to go,” she said scooting over to be closer to him.

“You’re tired, I get it,” he said lifting his arm up so she could snuggle up in the nook of his neck where she fit perfectly. He brought his hand up to cup her face and leaned his head down to kiss her.

“I can’t fall asleep. My mind is racing,” she said after taking a deep breath.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Do you have any regrets?”

“Where did that come from?”

“I’ve had this patient for 2 weeks and his response every time I ask him how he is doing is ‘I’ve got no regrets so I can’t complain.’ I’ve been thinking about regrets a lot today.”

“Do you have any?”

“Yeah, I think if I could go back and change anything I would have handled things with my dad better.” 

Liv had a complicated relationship with her dad. He wasn’t the kind of dad to say “I love you” or even hug or kiss his kids and she had always held that against him. A few years ago they had gotten into a fight where Liv let out a lifetime of frustration on him and said some things she knew really hurt him.

“But you and your dad are okay now.”

“I guess. I mean we aren’t close and probably never will be but I still regret what I said to him. What about you?”

“I don’t think I have any regrets. Everything I have done has led me to be right here so it’s hard to regret any of it, you know. I worry about regretting things in the future though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like I worry about missing out on something because I made a wrong decision or not getting to do everything I want to do cause I ran out of time. Shit like that.”

“My patient is just always so happy. He’s really sick but always smiling. Maybe it’s the no regrets lifestyle and I should try it out.”

“Maybe we should.”

“Love you,” she said as she settled in his arms.

“Love you,” he said as he kissed her forehead.

Liv was finally able to drift off soon after. Maybe it was due to talking about what was bothering her or Sebastian’s calming presence. Whatever it was, she was thankful. Her question got Sebastian thinking about regrets and him not wanting to have them as he tried to fall asleep.  He came up with a plan he would share with Liv in the morning.

----------------------------

Sebastian wasn’t in her apartment when Liv woke up and she figured he had probably gone to the gym or something. She was a little confused 30 minutes later when he burst through her front door with his suitcase rolling in behind him.

 “I need you to pack a bag,” he said walking towards her and smiling big with excitement.

“Pack for what?”

“I’m calling it The No Regrets Tour and our flight leaves in 3 hours,” he said after checking his watch.

“No Regrets Tour? Where are we going?”

“You know last night I was thinking about regretting things because I didn’t have time to do it or go to that place and my first thought was we should go to Australia but since we only have a few days I went with our second travel destination.”

“You want to go to Vegas? Today?”

“You up for it? You think you can handle all this sexiness in Vegas?” he asked jokingly gesturing to his glorious body.

“Honey, I think you need to worry about handling all of me when I am in Vegas,” she told him with a wink. She could almost see the wheels turning in his head while he smiled big as he thought about her response.

“This is quickly turning into my best idea ever!” he said kissing her.

 -----------------------------------------------

“Traveling with you has its perks Seb,” Liv said as she looked around the suite he had booked and thinking about the first class tickets, the town car that was waiting for them at the airport, entering the hotel through the back entrance, and then the quick check in.

“You like it?”

“You did good,” she said and then wrapped her arms around him as they looked out the window at the Las Vegas strip.

“Oh, look. Thunder from Down Under,” he said pointing at the large billboard advertising the show. “That could count as a little bit of Australia.”

Liv laughed.

“I came here for my 21st birthday with my mom and we stayed here one night and then she transferred us to the Wynn because people shutting doors were waking her up. Well, that’s what she says anyway. I think she just really wanted to stay at the Wynn. Such a diva,” she said obviously joking.

Sebastian laughed while he snaked his hands around her waist to pull her closer and she brought her arms up to circle his shoulders as she kissed him.

Liv’s phone rang at the same exact time as there was a knock at the door.

“That’s our bags,” he grunted out as he unwrapped his arms from around her and then went to answer the door.

“Speak of the diva,” she said as she answered the FaceTime on her phone. “Hey Mom.”

“Hey, how's my favorite daughter?

"You say that to your other daughter, too. Don't act like we don't know."

"I just saw your Instagram. You didn’t tell me you were going out of town.”

“It was very last minute. When did you get Instagram?”

“Your Aunt Kathy let’s me use hers. So where’d you go?”

“Just took a quick trip,” Liv said flipping the camera to show the Las Vegas strip view.

“Oh now I’m jealous! Where are you staying?”

“At my favorite. The Bellagio,” Liv replied flipping the camera back around.

“Did you warn Sebastian how loud it is? Oh there he is!" she said seeing him walk in the background. "Sebastian, did she tell you how loud it is there?”

“Yes, she did,” he said stepping into full view of the camera. “I was actually thinking about switching to the Wynn,” he said and then took a playful elbow to his stomach from Liv.

“See Liv? I told you I thought he looked smart didn’t I?”

“That’s not the word you used Mom.”

“Well, anyways have a good time! You’re coming for dinner next weekend right? You too Sebastian?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” he assured her.

“Bye Mom,” Liv said and then hung up. “What?” was her follow up question when she saw the smile on his face.

“Your mom loves me.”

“You're the only boyfriend who would talk to her on the phone before actually meeting her.”

“Yeah, I don’t just look smart for nothing.”

“You don't want to know what she actually said. It was wildly inappropriate,” Liv laughed.

 “So what do you want to do first? Drink, shop, eat, gamble?”

“Yes.”

“Which one?”

“You can do all of them all at the same time here. Let me show you how to properly sin.”

 -------------------------------------------

Eight hours and copious amounts of alcohol later they were sitting at a blackjack table. Liv had busted already while Sebastian had the choice of staying at 20 or splitting the 2 10’s. Unsure of how to bet he shot a glance at Liv.

"No regrets tour," she answered shrugging her shoulders. He puckered his lips and nodded his head then added another $100 bet to split the cards. He hit blackjack on both hands with an ace dealt for each.

“No fucking way!” Liv laughed in disbelief.

“You ready to go?” he asked stacking up his chips.

“Yeah.”

He generously tipped the dealer $100 while Liv threw her chips in her bag and then he tossed his chips in with hers.

“How much are you up?” she asked while handing him her phone to hold because she couldn’t zip up her clutch as they walked away.

“Two grand maybe? Who is Poodle?” he asked looking at her ringing phone.

“Alex,” and she followed by answering her phone with, “Anastasia Beaverhausen.” The latter caused Sebastian to do a spit take.

“Hold on, I think I killed Seb,” she laughed.

You need help burying the body?

“Nah, false alarm. You and I can’t sneak away and get married now.”

Is that what you are doing in Vegas?

“What?”

I said what are you doing in Vegas?

“Pursuing my lifelong dream of being in a celebrity sex tape.”

I better get a copy because you sure as shit won’t describe his dick to me.

“We’re going up to the room. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Okay, fuck that Winter Soldier real good!

“Copy that,” she said rolling her eyes and hanging up.

“I’m really glad you brought up a sex tape cause I brought my camera and uh...” he teased raising his eyebrows as they waited for the elevator.

Liv playfully pushed him away.

As soon as the doors to the elevator closed Sebastian had her pinned against the wall, kissing her with his hands roaming all over her body. She thought about stopping him but then she decided “fuck it.” This is Las Vegas and they would not be the first couple to get a little handsy in the elevator. Neither one of them noticed the doors had opened on their floor until the people waiting for the elevator cleared their throats.

“Sorry, she just won’t stop attacking me in elevators,” he said grabbing Liv’s hand and leading the way out of the elevator.

“Oh my god. Lies!” Liv responded.

“Hey man, aren’t you Bucky?” the man asked as they passed him.

Sebastian stopped walking, turned around and said, “Who the hell is Bucky?”

“No way!” the man said with excitement. “Can I get a picture?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Sebastian took a picture with the man and his girlfriend who clearly had no idea who he was.

“Awesome! Thank you so much!”

“Yeah, no worries!  Have a good night!” he said as he put his arm around Liv and began walking down the hall to their suite.

“Who is Bucky?” Liv had to ask.

“That’s who I play in the Cap movies,” he said stopping at the door and putting the key card in.

“I thought you were the Winter Soldier?”

“I’m both. It’s the same person.”

“You have multiple personalities?”

“What? No! Why isn’t this working?” he said putting the key in for the 4th time and seeing the same red light appear.

Liv turned to look at the door and then saw the room number. “Shit! This is not our room number, “she laughed.

The door suddenly opened and the obviously annoyed occupant asked, “Can I help you?”

“Oh fuck! I’m so sorry! Wrong room.”

The only response they got was the door being shut.

Liv was in a ball of drunken laughter on the floor as she pointed to the room across the hall. He was laughing almost as hard as she was as he tried the key in that one and it worked on the first try.

“Come on,” he said holding his hand out to help Liv up and then pulled her inside. “God damn hotel. Why would they switch the rooms like that?” 

Something in Liv switched when she walked into the suite. She heard him say something as he shut the door but honestly could not have cared less what it was. She noted it was something that he must have amused himself with because he was smiling his goofy smile when she turned around.

She dropped her purse on the ground while kicking off her shoes, grabbed Sebastian by the collar of his shirt and pulled his lips down to hers with her hand on the back of his neck. His smile got wider against her lips as he wrapped his arms around her. She started gently pushing him in the opposite direction of the bedroom so he pulled away.

“Other wa-“ he said but was cut off by her shoving him up against the door. Oh! It’s going to be one of those nights. He smiled knowingly and excitedly.

She brought her lips back up to his hurriedly and he responded passionately while unzipping her dress and pushing the straps down so it fell to the floor. She slipped her hands up his burgundy shirt and he quickly removed it. Her hands briefly grazed the nape of his neck while she slipped her tongue past his lips. She let her hands feel all the way down his chest, to his abs and down to undo his pants. He moaned as she slid her hand into his boxer briefs and stroked his rapidly enlarging cock.

She broke the kiss to kiss down his body until she was down of her knees pulling his pants down and wasted no time before gently sucking the precum off his tip.

He sighed “Fuck” as she moved her mouth up and down his shaft stopping to swirl her tongue around the tip before resuming the motion. Alternating between fast and slow head bobbing following her mouth with her hand had him rapidly approaching his release.

He bent down placing his hands on her arms bringing her back up and she wrapped her arms around his neck. She brought one leg up knowing his next action and he held onto it so she could bring the other leg up to wrap around his waist.

With his pants still around his ankles and his lips finding hers again, he shuffled into the other room and collapsed on top of her on the bed. He stood back up to step out of his pants while taking her underwear off, then climbed back on top and positioned himself to thrust into her but was stopped when she flipped him over to be on top and guided him into her core. His hands gripped her hips tightly as she moved up and down until she grabbed his wrists and moved his arms up above his head, entwining her fingers with his and kissing him deeply. It was all tongue and nibbles on his lips until she was clenching around him and moaning his name.

He quickly grabbed her hips again and rolled her over, then wasted no time before pounding into her fast and deep until he felt her back arch and clench around him again. A few thrusts later he came.

He hovered above her and murmured, "God, I love you,” before bringing his lips back onto hers.

When he finally broke the kiss she replied, "Love you too.”

Vegas Part 2

Permanent tags

@sideeffectsofyou​ @thejemersoninferno​ @vania-marie​ @sophiesvalkyrie​

@swanlakemikey​ @hm-fck​ @beaubucky​ @allsortsofinterests​

Stuck tags

@essie1876​  @thummbelina​

[the-art-of-animated-gifs]

Romain Loubersanes and the evolution of style

Romain Loubersanes is a talented and popular Motion Designer and Illustrator from France.  Looking through his work is like looking at the recent history of design style.  The top gifs are more recent, the bottom ones a bit older.  The top ones are done in the new style of geometric shapes with no lines and saturated colors and gradients, the older ones with geometric shapes described with thin lines and either black and white or pastel colors.  But his animation style is the same.

For about 10 years the flat clean minimal style that you could call ‘Apple’ style ruled the design world.  Layouts were spare.  Lines were thin.  Colors were added carefully and in small doses.  The last couple of years that has been changing in a big way.  It is almost as if someone said ‘ok now let’s do the exact opposite’ at least in terms of color and line.  Visually it makes a huge impact.

But as an artist, Romain Loubersanes is the same.  He has an intuitive sense of motion and flow and timing.  Changing the style for him is just changing some of the surface characteristics, although he is playing with the newly accepted idea of gradations in interesting ways (10 years ago if you added a gradation to your design you would likely have been fired).

David Hockney said ‘“style is something you can use, and you can be like a magpie, taking what you want. The idea of the rigid style seemed to me then something you needn’t concern yourself with, it would trap you.” He said he learned this from Picasso, and I think it is one of the smartest things I have heard an artist say.

[xxairo-dev]

Next Log

So I started making a 2D pixel art game. Welcome to my new Dev blog!

No official name, but the unofficial name is Bowfish.

(TLDR and Dev log with pretty gifs at bottom)

Hello internet, friends, and 2020 -- those of you that have been following me all this time know that I’ve been doing art for a loooong time. Even before I got into digital art in 2010, I’ve been drawing with paper and pencil for as long as I can remember and probably started playing video games right at the same time. For reference, my earliest memories of video games consist of Lemmings 3D on PS1, followed shortly by Rayman and Spyro the Dragon. 

I’m still a big Spyro fan, also pretty sure this is how I became obsessed with dragons in general. 

Science based dragon MMO girl, wherever you are -- I feel you, I am you.

Basically, I’ve been playing video games all my life (to the detriment of my parents) and I owe it to gaming for igniting my early artistic ambitions. In fact, I remember learning how to draw by copying the character art of Neopets and Sonic Advance before one day stumbling upon one of my dad’s Game Informer magazines and being blown away by the art that I saw in there (particularly the WoW art). I’m pretty sure that was when I was first introduced to Big Boy™ game art and instantly thought, “Whoa, I want to be able to draw like that”.

Later, when I got my first drawing tablet and started making digital art, it became “I want to draw for a video game”.

Even later, when I learned that being a video game artist was not a very realistic career path and opted to pursue a bachelors degree in biology instead of art, it became “I want to draw for a video game... on the side”.

Even later-er, when I got my degree in 2017 and started working full-time and realized that work saps you of all energy and motivation to work on projects at home, it became “I want to draw for a video game... some day”. 

Well, today here we are in 2020 amid the COVID-19 pandemic. In March, I got furloughed from my biology job due to the quarantine. I spent four months passing time, thinking that I’d go back to work soon. But by the end of July, I was at wit’s end of what to do with myself after getting burnt out on a number of hobbies, games, shows, books, etc. without spiraling into some very expensive hobbies (hello aquariums) with the money I wasn’t making. I badly needed to find something productive to do that I thought would also benefit me in the long run i.e. post-quarantine, and unfortunately I couldn’t work on wet lab techniques at home.

“Learn to code” is what my parents have said to me about a thousand times for the past 5 years. “Learn to code” is what I did try for about two weeks with Code Academy a few years ago before realizing that none of what I was learning was going to stick because I wasn’t programming in any part of my daily life. As a biologist, in evolution we like to call this “if you don’t use it, you lose it”. 

I know all too well about how coding is one of the best skills you can learn. However, I also know myself all too well to know that learning code for the sake of learning code wasn’t going to work for me. I wanted to wait to learn when the right situation presented itself, ideally when I would have an opportunity to use it almost every day at like a job or something.

Well, one of my good fellow artist (and biology) friends had recently taken the plunge into creating his first video game Meganura earlier in the year. I was (and still am) seriously -- and I cannot emphasize this enough -- impressed by his progress, dedication, and ability to learn coding for this game. Or more frankly, I was seriously impressed by his dedication and progress in to learning how to code for this game.

Meganura in all it’s crispy pixel-y goodness. Man, my friends are talented.

I dwelled on this for a while. 

I always considered making a game to be out-of-reach because I absolutely could not muster up the motivation to learn a single drop of code without being paid to do so after 1) being beaten over the head by “learn how to code” for so long and 2) having already tried and given up in the past. 

But as it got harder to sleep well, eat well, and feel happy during the quarantine, I feel like I hit a rock bottom where I felt like if I didn’t make a big effort to find a new purpose, then I was probably going to become depressed. To preface this, I have experienced depression before, and ever since I got out it has been my goal in life to never experience it again. 

The only way I was going to survive this quarantine was to give myself a new “job”.

I already had a creative mind and the skills to create art and animations for a game. I already had a lifetime of game playing experience that had formed a detailed list of specific mechanics and visual details that I knew I wanted or didn’t want in a game. I already had an analytical and detail-oriented mind (thanks biology... or thanks videogames?) that liked to plan and build things. 

All it would take is just a little bit of code...

If you’ve read this far, thanks for listening and I hope some of you hear yourselves in my story.

TLDR;

I am just a daytime biologist and hobby digital artist with zero coding experience.

I’m extremely proud to say that since 07/29/20, I have been successfully developing and coding my own 2D pixel art video game in Unity and am in full swing!

This is the start of my dev blog, where I’ll be logging my progress and thoughts throughout this journey for like-minded and aspiring individuals. 

My Goals:

- To create everything from scratch -- art, scripts, etc.

- To create a game about bow hunting with intuitive drag/release controls

- To create a game that has cooking and campfires

- To create a game with pretty water graphics

- To create a game that has sushi and cats

- To have a playable demo by mid 2021 (my guess for the end of quarantine)

How I’ve been learning C#:

I have been following along with YouTube tutorials to create a base script and then looking up things in Unity’s scripting documentation to expand and modify my code to achieve exactly what I want. I’ve been learning C# and how to read documentation through almost entirely pattern recognition (e.g. mimicking and experimenting with code I’ve copied from tutorials and recognizing keywords in documentation) and turning to Google or my Tech Career Peers™ for help when I get stuck or to clarify things.

The key thing is that even after copying some code, I read the documentation and figure out how every line of code in my script works before moving on.

This is because after spending a few days of looking up YouTube tutorials, I realized there were no tutorials for the exact bow controls that I wanted. Instead, I ended up watching multiple tutorials and learned how all of their scripts worked before combining and modifying pieces together. Then, I started relying entirely on documentation to write lines of code. 

I don’t know how many original lines of code I’ve written so far, but there are so many now and I am so proud of all of them.

So anyway, here’s what’s happened over the past 2-3 weeks.

Dev Log:

7/29/20

- Came up with an idea for a game

7/30/20

- Installed Unity and started watching Unity tutorial videos

7/31/20 

- Created water shader via shader graph (no coding required!)

- Created a basic background, player sprite, bow sprite, and arrow sprite in Photoshop

08/03/20

- First time coding in C#

- Struggle to code in Notepad++, switched to Visual Studio Code

08/06/20

- Created physics based slingshot controls for the bow and arrow with a line renderer bowstring

- Colliders!

08/09/20

- Unable to find a way to pull arrow back horizontally (-X) regardless of mouse Y movement (OnMouseDown)

- Decided that slingshot controls are for slingshots, not bows and arrows

- Scrapped physics based slingshot controls due to overcomplication (rip)

08/10/20

- Created new projectile based controls that still include drag/shoot physics

08/11/20

- Limited rotation of the bow while aiming to max 45° and min -45°

- Developed distaste for vector algebra

- Made it so that if you don’t drag far enough, you won’t release an arrow

08/12/20

- Created a trajectory line coming off the bow

- Made arrows fade away after colliding

- Created git repository to keep all project files backed up on github (Don’t wait to do this! Should’ve been done on day 1)

08/14/20

- Added physics and collider to player

- Allow you to face and move left/right with the A and D keys + updated bow controls to match

- Created left/right movement while aiming + updated bow controls to match

- Created mouse drag line for development use

- Created waterline

- Made it so the bow resets to it’s default position if you haven’t used the bow for over 2 seconds

08/15/20

- Updated Player sprite in Photoshop

- Obtained Asesprite

- Created walk animation

08/16/20

- Created  bow walk, bow equip, and bow unequip animations

Next Log

[xsixxx]

Bad Influence, Chapter Seven

Authors Note: Sorry I’m so bad at trying to get these out quickly, I’m working on it, I swear! This is a pretty long one for me & it’s deep so sorry if it’s a little bit boring! Once again, I’ve finished this at 5am so if there are mistakes/it’s incoherent I’m sorry, I’ll proof read it when I wake up 😂 Feedback always welcome!

Warnings: Language, super duper angsty, bit of childhood trauma, Beth & Nikki up to their usual shit

Tags: @triplehaitches @freddiessmallnipples @queen-crue @scarecrowmax @lovesick-heart0 @littlesunnymoon @80sheart-strings @cranberribread @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies @deaconsroger @zoenicoles @crazysaladchopshop @ggorehorror @lunamadhatter99 @justtryingtoovercome @chaoticvybe @you-know-im-a-dreamer @eightiesrockbaby @valentines-in-london @xrosegoldwolfx @fupatroopaa @lilypetite88 @this-blog-must-be-the-place @ashleecrue @lauravic @dark-princess99

(There’s like no appropriate gif for this I swear so just enjoy one of Nikki looking cute)

(P.s as much as I love Douglas Booth & I will use The Dirt gifs, I fully picture actual Nikki when I write this, just for a little context 👏🏼)

*Nikkis POV*

“So what do you say?”

Beth looked hesisitant, but she couldn’t hide the excitement that danced in her eyes as my question lingered in the fraction of a space between our lips. I couldn’t stop the smirk from creeping across my face as I sensed her self control slip for just a moment, her eyes darting to my lips. I could see her wrestling with that darker side of herself that wanted to give in & surrender herself to me

She bit her lip in a poor attempt at self-discipline & her doey brown eyes fixed back on mine with a look of delicious purity that made my leather pants a little tighter.

Fuck, I wanted to kiss her so badly.

But I wouldn’t give in, that was the point. It had to be all her.

Beth knew I was bad for her. As she stood there in front of me, I could tell that every logical part of her brain was screaming at her to walk away, to slap me, to yell at me, to do something to keep me away. She knew I was a bad guy, she’d witnessed it firsthand when I fucked that delectably naive little sister of hers & yet, here she stood, visibly battling with her temptation, a breath away from relinquishing her self control & throwing herself at me. She wanted to do something bad for the first time in her life, just to see how good it felt. And damn, I’d make her feel good.

I wanted to prove that I was right, all those many months ago when I first laid eyes upon her elitist, yet enticing self in that diner; that even good, smart girls like Beth could fall from Grace if they were tempted with the right promises. And she was so close to falling, balancing so delicately on the edge I’d lead her up to. But I wasn’t going to push her, I wanted to watch her jump.

But she took a step back; both from the edge & from me. A dark, confident smirk, not too dissimilar from my own, spread across her dainty features, as she found her self-control firmly back in her grasp. She ran her tongue over her lower lip before pulling it back in between her teeth & biting down on it, knowing full well how good she looked doing it & her voice when she spoke was calm & sultry, velvety smooth with a slight edge. In that moment, she had emulated everything that she hated about me & I couldn’t help but smile.

“I say thank you, but no.” She smirked, raidiating arrogance. “I know what you’re trying to do Nikki.”

“And what is it I’m trying to do, little Angel?” I asked, feigning innocence as best I could.

“I know you’re being the devil on my shoulder, trying to tempt me. And damn, your promises make me wanna sin Nikki,” she paused as she took a second to look me up & down, a gleam of desire in those eyes, “Fuck, they really do.” She confessed. “But I’m sorry, I’m just not one of those girls.”

I let a low chuckle. “Beth, I just watched you cum in the bathroom of your work whilst being fucked by the lead singer of my band not 10 minutes ago.”

She scowled at me, her eyebrows furrowed together in annoyance. “I can have casual sex without being one of those girls,” she nodded behind me & I turned to see a a couple of giggling girls at the bar, sipping drinks & trying to catch my attention, flashing flirty smiles my way as they caught me eye. I’d definitely fucked the one. Maybe both. I couldn’t quite recall. “I’m allowed to enjoy sex Nikki, just because it’s with Vince doesn’t make me a groupie. I’m not sleeping with him because he’s in your precious band, I’m sleeping with him because it’s fun & a girl has needs.” She shrugged, defensively.

“So how come you won’t let me satisfy those needs for you, if it doesn’t mean anything?” I grinned.

“Because Sixx, you’re not a good guy & nothing with you could ever just be simple. Look at how you hurt my sister, for Christ sake.” Beth sighed, completely in control once again, shutting off to my deviant corruption. “You’re trying to play a game with me that I’m just not interested in playing, ok?”

“You’re only not interested in my game because you’re shutting yourself off from the side of you that would enjoy playing with me.” I pushed, flashing her a wicked smile, hoping I could pull her back into our little sexually charged exchange, but I could sense from the look that she gave me that the moment was over.

Beth sighed deeply, a look of exhaustion & confliction mixed into her delicate features. Her eyes, full of pain I didn’t understand, met mine one last time before she turned away.

“Goodnight Sixx.”

*Beths POV*

I knocked on the large oak front door & tapped my foot nervously as I waited for an answer, a large sponge cake balanced on top of 2 boxes, wrapped in bright blue wrapping paper that had “happy birthday!” garishly printed all over it.

My heart skipped a beat as I saw my little sisters face emerge from behind the door. Between me moving out & Maddie starting college, we hardly saw anything of each other & I’d missed her more than I’d realised. A wide grin spread across her face as she flung out her arms & ran to me, throwing them around my neck as she hugged me tightly, causing the precariously balanced cake to wobble dangerously.

“Watch it!” I chuckled, pulling away from her grip to catch the cake before it fell. I looked at Maddie, her eyes bright & brimming with tears. “Are you crying?!” I exclaimed.

“I’ve just really fucking missed you Beth!” She laughed, wiping the tears away.

“Madeline, language.” Came the gruff, sharp voice of my father who appeared in the doorway.

“Happy birthday Daddy!” I grinned at the sight of him & walked through the door & putting down the boxes to give him a hug. He pulled me in warmly & I suddenly felt like a kid again, wrapped up safely in the arms of my father & my nerves melted away. He stepped back & looked me up & down, frowning slightly. I blushed, pulling at the hem of my tshirt, my nerves flaring up once again. I’d dressed as conservatively as possible, knowing dad would have something to say if he caught on to my current lifestyle of rockstars, whiskey & the occasional line of cocaine.

“What?” I asked, flustered.

My dad shook his head, his frown disappearing & replaced with a friendly, but cautious smile. “Nothing, nothing. I just thought something just seemed a little different about you, but its nothing.” He finished, sounding unsure before gesturing for us to move into the living room.

I sat down awkwardly on the same beat up sofa that me & Maddie used to build forts on when we were kids & looked around the room. My eyes scanned all the knick knacks & framed photographs that I’d seen a million times over the years & yet, the time away made it feel like I was seeing them through the eyes of an outsider, taking in every detail for the first time. The fireplace was littered with old photos of us as kids, at the beach or playing in the backyard; the faded smiles of a happy childhood. Dust was gathering on the out dated ornaments that were scattered on the various cabinets and coffee tables around the room & the floral wallpaper was looking washed out & old. I glanced across at the table that sat next to me & saw a familiar, heart-wrenching smile that immediately gave me a lump in my throat, too big to swallow.

My mothers kind eyes looked up at me from the ornate framed picture whilst my own instinctively filled with tears. I picked up the photo & gently rubbed my thumb over her face, only wishing I could feel her skin underneath my touch, rather than the cold glass, reminding me that I never would again. I blinked away the tears as I returned the photo back to its prized place on the table, looking back around the living room in search of a distraction. The decor hadn’t changed once in the 10 years since my mom died, almost as if my father was trying to honour her memory by keeping her furniture & trinkets in the same place she had once carefully picked for them. He was treasuring her belongings as she once had, rather than letting them, & her, go.

He tried to do something similar with me & Mads, I thought to myself.

“How’re you doing Daddy?” I asked, suddenly painfully aware of my father now living alone in this unintentional shrine of a house.

“Oh you know, its quiet since you pair left, but I’m coping.” He said, giving us a forced smile. “What about you, are you still working in that hellish bar?”

I rolled my eyes at his judgement & disapproval, it never took long. “Yes Daddy, it pays the rent, remember?”

“I know, I know, I just hate the thought of you working in that sort of environment, surrounded by those kinds of people.” He huffed, shaking his head at the idea of me in the exact situation I was currently in. But I was the sensible one, there’s no way in his worst, most invasive thought, my dad could imagine me heading down the path I was currently on. Hell, I couldn’t believe it sometimes.

But I was still in control & that was the important thing. I knew my limits. No more than a couple of drinks & no getting drunk. No more than a couple of lines of coke & definitely nothing harder than that. No letting the party interfere with my studies or my work. And, my most important rule, no matter how tempted I might be or no matter how fun he might seem, absolutely no Nikki Sixx.

“Dad, I promise, I’m always careful & besides, it’s not as bad as you think.” I shrugged, attempting to downplay his concern. “Anyway,” I said standing up & retrieving his presents & cake from the hall, “let’s stop focusing on me, open up, birthday boy!”

Later

Me & Maddie stood around the block from our childhood home, well out of sight of our fathers overbearing eyes, as we both took a break from his constant paranoid questions about our lives away from home & took long, well-needed drags on our cigarettes. We’d bought ourselves 10 minutes, under the guise that we were walking to the convenience store for some milk, which bought us enough time to burn down our cigarettes & cover the smell by dousing ourselves in cheap but powerful body spray.

“I still can’t believe you’re smoking!” Maddie giggled. “It’s like watching a nun flashing or something!”

I choked slightly as I exhaled, the laugh catching in my throat as her comparison took me by surprise. “Gee, thanks!” I chuckled sarcastically.

“You know what I mean! It’s just you, my smart, goody-two-shoes big sister, is breaking one of Daddy’s golden rules, it bizarre.”

I scoffed at her. “I’m not that bad. I’m not as clean cut as everyone thinks I am.”

“Yeah right! Don’t you remember that night a couple years back when we went to see Mötley Crüe & you saw me smoking for the first time & went crazy at me?” Maddie cackled at the memory. “Oh god & then how you reacted when I went over to speak to them in that diner? You nearly had a heart attack! Fuck, I can’t believe how fast that time has gone!” She sighed contently, breathing out smoke into the brisk evening air. “Do you still see them occasionally at work?”

I took a long drag on my cigerette, drawing it out purposely as I tried to think of a way to answer. I hadn’t told Mads about my partying, or my 6 month on/off fling with Vince or even the fact that I hung around with Mötley at all. I told myself it was partly because I barely saw her & I hadn’t had chance & partly because I didn’t want to upset her, thinking that she’d feel betrayed by her sister socialising with the guy that screwed her over & embarrassed her in front of his band mates. But, if I was being honest with myself, it was more to do with the fact that I wanted to keep this part of my life separate from my messy homelife.

I settled on a simple, vague answer. “Every now & then, they play shows sometimes & say hi.” I shrugged, avoiding eye contact as I brought my cigerette back up to my lips.

“They talk to you?” Maddie quizzed, her eyes bulging with intrigue. “What do they say? Do you speak to Nikki?!”

Fuck, why did I say that last bit?!

I mentally cursed myself for not being vague enough as I searched for a response that could end the conversation. “Erm, they don’t really say much, just a polite hi & bye sort of thing. I haven’t spoke to Nikki though & I wouldn’t want to either, not after everything.” I babbled, flushing red as I attempted to lie, praying that Maddie wouldn’t probe anymore.

“Oh ok..” She sounded almost disappointed. But her eyes caught sight of my burning face. “Why are you blushing? What are you not telling me?!”

“N-nothing.” I stammered, smiling weakly, knowing just how bad I was at lying.

“Oh my god, you’re fucking him, aren’t you?!” Maddie yelled, a mixture of shock & annoyance in her voice. I blushed harder.

Fuck. She knew me too well. “What are you talking about?!”

“You! You’re sleeping with Nikki fucking Sixx, aren’t you?!”

I almost laughed out loud as relief & amusement fell over me like a comforting blanket, the prickling hot panic dying down as I realised sleeping with Vince wouldn’t be half as shocking to Maddie if she already thought I was having sex with that egotistical jackass.

“Oh god no! Maddie, I would never sleep with Nikki!” I laughed. Her face softened as she heard the sincerity in my voice, knowing I could never lie that convincingly.

“So what’s going on?!” She demanded.

“Oh, well um..” I stammered once again, suddenly nervous & awkward to admit the truth to her. “Me & Soph yanno, we hang out with them every now & then. Sophia has slept with Tommy a few times, but nothing major.”

Maddie looked suspicious & concerned. “Just be careful Beth, they’re not good guys, you & I both know this.”

“They’re not all bad. I mean, they’ve got a bad reputation but they’re not really bad guys-”

She cut me off, angrily. “Are you seriously defending them? After what Nikki did to me?!”

“No, of course not- I mean Nikki is, well yanno, he’s Nikki, he’s not the best.. But the rest of them, they’re nice guys- Vince is..” I stumbled, desperately wishing I could just go back 5 minutes & answer Maddies original question with a simple ‘no, I never see Mötley Crüe at work’.

“Oh, so it’s Vince that you’re fucking?!” She asked, cuttingly, raising her perfectly arched eyebrow judgingly.

“Yes” I answered instinctively, before realising. “No. Well, I mean- I have, but that’s got nothing to do with it!” I shouted, flustered & suddenly angry. “What are you getting so annoyed at me for?!” I deflected.

“Why?! Because you’re hanging out with the guys that humiliated me & you’re clearly acting like it never happened!”

“That’s not true! And it wasn’t the guys that humiliated you, it was Nikki & I can’t stand the guy! I even said to him the other night about how much he hurt you-“ But Maddie cut me off once again, shooting me a filthy look.

“How dare you?! How dare you speak to him about how he made me feel!” She began screaming. “That asshole doesn’t deserve to know that he took up one single second of my headspace after I stormed out of that gig, let alone know that he hurt me! I cannot believe that you would share something like that with him, you had no fucking right Beth.” She flicked her cigerette angrily on the floor as she turned & marched in the direction of home.

“Mads, come on, wait up!” I shouted as I ran after her.

“You keep my fucking name out of your goddamn mouth when you’re around that band, do you hear me, you fucking groupie?!” She hissed as she stomped away.

I stood still, shocked, wounded by her words. She’d never spoken to me like that before. I slowed my pace, not bothering to try & catch up as I followed her back home.

•••

I heard shouting as I walked up to the slightly ajar front door. My dads deep, sharp voice cutting though Maddies angry, whiny one.

“You’re in my house, you follow my rules, you know this by now!” He bellowed.

“I don’t live at home anymore, I’m 20 for Christ sake Dad, when are you going to loosen the fucking reigns?!” I winced at the sound of Maddie swearing at our father, knowing he would not take kindly to it.

“You do not speak to me like that, young lady! I am your father, you show me some respect!” He roared, angrier than I’d ever heard him.

I timidly walked through the door, hoping to calm the situation, whatever it was.

“Well you best start screaming at Elizabeth too, because she was doing it as well!” Maddie yelled, pointing at me as I pushed the front door to behind me, hoping to keep from peaking the neighbours interest.

My father let out a short, sharp laugh. “That’s typical of you Madeline, trying to shift the blame on to your sister. She’s the responsible one, you really expect me to believe she was smoking too?!”

Shit. We forgot to cover our tracks.

“You’re fucking kidding me with this Miss Perfect shit, right?” Maddie said, laughing without amusement. “Do you know what your precious daughter has been up to recently?!” I held my breathe, my eyes pleading with her to stop. Through all of our sisterly fights, through our our difficult teenage years, we’d never once had a real fight & we’d never once turned on each other.

“She’s been smoking, drinking, fucking a rock band & no doubt doing their drugs too!” Maddie spat smugly, turning to smirk at me with eyes full of anger.

I felt a rage burn inside me as my father gave me a look of disbelief, which soon changed to disappointment & then pure anger. Maddies disloyalty & smug face pushed me over the edge & I snapped. “Well you’d fucking know!” I shot back snidely. “You fucked one of them first. That probably explains how you know they’re quite fond of sharing their drugs, huh Mads?”

“Enough!” My father thundered. “Drugs?! Did you lean nothing from your mothers death?! How could you be so goddamn irresponsible, knowing what you know?! Have I taught you nothing?!”

My fury had been released & there was no keeping it in now. I glared at my dad, my anger spilling over in his direction. “Maybe if you hadn’t spent 10 years treating us like prisoners, never letting us out, never letting us experience anything, we wouldn’t be so desperate to try & figure the world out for ourselves the second we left your damn tyranny.”

My father looked taken aback, hurt. I felt regret almost instantaneously.

“You know that everything I did was to protect you.”

“Yes dad, we know, but you can’t protect us from real life.” I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. I didn’t mean to say it, but it was out there now, the truth I’d always felt but refused to acknowledge. It was out & I couldn’t take it back.

His face hardened, like I’d never seen before & it struck fear into my soul.

“If you want real life experiences, go & have them, but know that whilst you act this way, whilst you blatantly disrespect my wishes & insult your mothers memory, you are no daughters of mine.” He said, coldly. “Now get out, both of you.”

Later

I slammed the door to our one bed apartment shut behind me, relieved to be back in my own home though m still shaking with unspent emotion.

I headed towards the room I shared with Sophia, praying she was out so I didn’t have to deal with her questions & I could just climb into bed & sleep off the negativity of this whole day.

As my hand reached for the door handle of the closed bedroom door, I heard the unmistakable sounds of Sophia & Tommy, going at it &, knowing them, it wasn’t going to be a quick thing either. I groaned out loud, hoping they’d hear my annoyance, before I turned & headed back towards the living room. Flopping down on the sofa, I spotted one of my psych books lying on the coffee table with a hot pink sticky note attached to it:

The theory of human motivation, get to it babe, it’s due Monday. - S ♡

“Fuck.” I whispered, realising it was now 10pm on Sunday & I hadn’t even started.

“Could this day get any fucking worse?” I complained aloud to myself as I picked up the textbook & note pad Soph had thoughtfully left beside it.

“What an apt moment to make my entrance.” Nikki chuckled darkly, causing me to jump a mile & let out a girlish squeal, as he emerged from the kitchen.

“You fucking idiot, Sixx!” I screamed, throwing a pillow in his direction, ducking just in time for it to miss his amused expression. “You scared the shit outta me, dick!” I panted, holding my heart. “What the fuck are you doing here?!”

“Well, apparently Tommy needed to pick something up from Sophia, so I came here with him & he went into the bedroom to get it. That was half an hour ago & he’s yet to come back out, so I made myself at home.” He smiled, taking a bite out of the sandwich I hadn’t noticed him holding. “You only had wholemeal bread though.” He said, pulling a face of disgust between bites.

I scowled at him, shaking my head, not having the energy to rise to his bait tonight. He was obviously disappointed.

“What’s wrong Princess?” He smirked, “Still not ready to play with me?”

“Nikki, please. It’s been a hard day & I’ve got a paper to write by 9am tomorrow morning. Just please, please not tonight, I can’t deal with your games right now.” I pleaded, feeling the tears involuntarily fill my eyes as the true level of my metal & physical exhaustion hit me like a train. I wiped them away quickly, praying Nikki hadn’t noticed.

“Are- Um, are you, yanno, ok?” He mumbled awkwardly, moving towards the sofa, trying to judge whether or not it was safe to sit down next to me.

“I’m fine,” I sniffed, turning my face away from him as he made the decision to sit. “I’ve got a lot of work to do, if you wouldn’t mind.” I said, trying to make my voice sound strong & sure, not ready to show weakness in front of the man that I knew was capable of manipulating it if he felt like it.

“Do y- Ahem” he coughed awkwardly, pretending to clear his throat, “do you wanna talk about it?”

I let out a small, weak laugh, bringing my eyes back to meet his. He looked uncomfortable, fidgeting as he attempted to offer me some level of comfort. I couldn’t help but smile at his effort, no matter what his intentions behind it were. “No Sixx, I really don’t. But, um, thanks.”

He nodded, visibly uncomfortable. “So, uh, what’s your paper about?” He asked, obviously trying to change the subject.

“The theory of human motivation.”

“Ah ok, so like what drives people?” Nikki inquired thoughtfully, perking up a little.

“Sort of.. Well, have you ever heard of Maslows hierarchy of needs?” Nikki shook his head but looked intrigued, so I continued. “So, according to this psychologist, there are 5 levels of human needs & you have to attend to the lower levels before you can satisfy the levels higher up. So, for example, level 1 is your basic needs, food, water etc. You need those in order to attend to level 2, which is security, safety. It continues up to love & relationships, then self esteem & then self actualisation, achieving ones dreams essentially. That’s the top tier, the end goal.”

“Ok yeah, I get it. I’m down for the first level, I mean obviously I gotta survive, but I don’t need security or love or that shit to achieve my goal.” Nikki laughed. “I think this Maslow guy needs to met someone like me. Growing up without love & stability only made me more determined.”

“Well yeah, it made you more determined because you’re unknowingly seeking that love & security through your music & your band. You’re hoping your career will provide you with the security you never had & that your fans will provide you with the love. Every human falls into the model, one way or another.” I shrugged, smirking at his dumbfounded expression.

“Ok little miss psychologist, being as you clearly know me so well, analyse me.” Nikki sniggered.

I shook my head, “it doesn’t work like that. But,” I continued as inspiration struck me, “I could use you as the subject for my paper, I think you’d make an interesting case, with your inflated sense of ego & all.”

Nikki flashed his usual, arrogant smirk. “Well, doesnt sound like Tommy is gonna be done any time soon. Ok, you’ve got yourself a test subject, Princess.” He winked.

“Ok, lets do this properly. No messing around, I need to you answer my questions as best you can Sixx, promise?” I raised my eyebrows at his wide grin.

“I promise I’ll try.” He responded, raising his hand mockingly.

I grabbed my notepad & pen & began scribbling down some notes to start me off.

After a couple of minutes of writing, I looked up. Nikki was sat patiently, lighting a cigerette & gazing off to the side, lost in thought. The sight of him sent my stomach into freefall as I took that moment to appreciate his features, his strong jawline & thoughtful eyes. He caught me staring & his eyes shone with mischief as he grinned once again, shattering my vision of this deep, soulful artist. I laughed at my own foolish thought that Nikki Sixx was anything more than he appeared to be at face value. He proved that with his answer to my first question.

“Ok, So Nikki Sixx, tell me what it is that you do.”

“What do I do?” He asked, that roguish gleam in his eyes twinkling as gave me that troublesome smirk once again. “Oh, I do bad things.” He answered.

“Yeah, this was a bad idea.” I snapped, slamming my notepad shut with exasperation. “I should’ve figured you weren’t capable of taking anything seriously.”

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry, I’ll be sensible.” He laughed. “I am the creator & bassist of a rock band called Mötley Crüe.”

I gave him a stern, warning look before continuing. “And tell me, what lead you to peruse a career in music?”

“Music was the one constant thing throughout my childhood & teenage years. It cut through the boredom & the bullshit in my life. It inspired me.” He said simply, but passionately. I brought my eyes up from the notepad to look at him, his eyes truly thoughtful this time as I imagined him reminiscing about the first album he’d ever bought or the first time he held a bass. Whatever he was remembering, it tugged at the corners of his lips as a genuine smile appeared on his face, taking the place of his usual smirk. I couldn’t help but smile along with him, taking in his beauty & serenity in that moment.

“So, ahem”, I coughed, bringing myself back to reality, “What was music an escape from? What lead you to feel so passionately about it?”

“I had a shitty upbringing.” He said bluntly. “My dad split when I was 3 & it was obvious that I was just a burden to my mom. Whenever I got in the way of her lifestyle, she’d ship me off to my grandparents who constantly moved around. And when she did want me, I was just a punching bag for her asshole boyfriends.”

“Nikki, I’m sorry, I had no idea..” I trailed off.

“It’s fine Princess, it is what it is.” He shrugged, but I sensed he wasn’t as ok with it as he was making out. “So when I found music, it was suddenly like ‘this is it, this is what I’ve been looking for’, it just made sense to me & I’ve been infatuated ever since.”

“Sixx, look, we don’t have to do this, I didn’t realise that this went as deep as it does, I don’t wanna intrude..”

“It’s ok. It must be hard to imagine broken families when you’re not from one.” Nikki responded a little sharply, his presumption catching me off guard.

“Excuse me?”

“No, I just meant that when you have a stable family, it must be hard to imagine that some parents don’t love or want their kids, yanno?”

I laughed humourlessly at his false premise. “Trust me, there is nothing stable about my family.”

“Oh come on Beth. You’re telling me that you, the well educated Daddy’s girl from the good neighbourhood, had a rough childhood, really?” Nikki scoffed, rolling his eyes.

I snapped, growing tiresome of his stereotypical opinion of me. “You don’t know the first thing about me Sixx, stop pretending that you do.”

“Kind I’d like how you didn’t know the first thing about me until 5 minutes ago? Yet, you’ve always made your judgements on my attitude & my lifestyle. I’m just returning the favour doll.” He replied, raising his eyebrow pointedly.

I sighed, resigning to his annoyingly accurate point. “Ok fine. Not that I owe you any explanation,” I started, looking anywhere in the room but at those piercing eyes that were focused so intently on me. “My mom OD’d when I was 13. She was prescribed painkillers after a car accident & she just never came off them.”

“Fuck.” Nikki whispered. “Doll, I’m sorry.”

I shook my head as I felt the tears prick in my eyes for what seemed like the millionth time that day. “Our dad wrapped me & Maddie up in bubble wrap after that & made us fearful of the world. He took us out of school & homeschooled us, never really let us socialise, we never got to go out & see our friends, he all but kept us locked up.” I sighed, thinking back to the harsh words I’d said to my father earlier on that day, the regret & guilt flooding back & overwhelming me once again. “I know he was doing what he thought was best, keeping us safe & protected from anything or anyone that could harm us or influence us.”

“Someone like me?” Nikki teased, trying to lighten the mood.

I let out a soft giggle. “Exactly.”

Nikki gently placed his hand under my chin, lifting my head up fractionally so that my eyes met his. His gaze drifted to my cheek as a lone tear fell silently down it. His grazed his thumb softly against my skin, wiping it away with a simple caress that sent shivers through my body. I felt weak under his touch. That same touch that had once set fire to my mind did so once more & I instantly craved him all over again.

“Who knew you could be a good guy when you wanted to be?” I whispered as his thumb trailed from my cheek to my lips, his eyes fixated on them.

“I’m the devil Lizzy, remember?” He muttered back, restraint evident in this voice. “I’m not a good guy.”

“Being good doesn’t get you anywhere. Trust me, I know.” I breathed, leaning in to him & letting my lips brush his, using his own trick against him. “Kiss me, Sixx.” I whispered.

“You don’t want this, Angel.” He warned gently.

“And how do you know what I want?”

His brow furrowed, confliction obvious in his dark green eyes. “You’re upset & you’ve had a bad day. This isn’t you & as much as I want you, I don’t want you this way, you’re not thinking clearly.” He sighed.

“Fuck, Nikki, I can’t fucking win! So what, you only want me if I’m like all of those other groupies, drunk in a bar & throwing myself at you, is that it?” I snapped, moving away from him.

“No Beth, that’s not it.” He replied bluntly, running his hands through his messy hair. “But look, you’re emotional & vulnerable & I-“ he stumbled, unsure whether to continue. “I’m not the solution to your problem Beth ok, I’m not that kinda guy.”

I laughed sharply. “Wow, because I’m so insecure in myself that I must need you to comfort & validate me, right? Christ Nikki, it must be exhausting fanning your own fucking ego like that.”

“Why else would you be coming on to me now?!”

“Because for a second Nikki, you actually seemed like a decent guy, like maybe you actually had a heart. And for a fucking second, I didn’t despise you.” I laughed, bitterly. “Silly me!”

“But that’s just it Beth, you know I’m not a decent guy. I wanna fuck you, I mean Christ, you know I do. But I wanna make you feel bad, I wanna fulfil your darkest fantasies, I don’t wanna just be your comfort fuck, that’s just not what I do Beth, I’m sorry.” He muttered, shaking his head.

“How fucking dare you?!” I fumed, shoving his shoulder & standing up. “How dare you presume that I fucking need your comfort. I can take care of myself, Sixx, thanks.” I turned around, walking towards the kitchen, muttering to myself “God forbid I should just find him attractive for a fraction of a second & wanna act on it-”

I heard Nikki stand up & I spun round to give him more of my mind, but he was quick & I was suddenly standing chest to chest with him, my face at the level of his neck & I caught his musky scent & I was momentarily intoxicated. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from imagining what it would be like to feel his skin under my lips as I placed kisses along his neck, nipping & sucking as I went. My mouth watered slightly at the thought.

“Ok Lizzy. Prove it.” Nikki tested, his forehead resting lazily on mine as I brought my eyes up to look at him. They were dark, yet I could sense the struggle & hesitance in them, along with the desire that I’d come to recognise so well.

“Prove what?” I asked stubbornly.

“That you want me. Prove me wrong, do something reckless & impulsive just because you know it’ll feel good. Make that decision to jump.” He whispered, his breath brushing my face as his words & his eyes drew me in, pulling me down, under his spell.

Once again, he brought his lips to mine, allowing them to brush together, sending sparks of electricity & passion surging through my body, but he restrained from kissing me. He wanted me to be the one to do it. He wanted to be right.

Fuck, I wanted to prove him right.

“You’re the devil, Nikki Sixx.” I murmured softly.

He smirked against my lips, knowing he had finally won. “Angel, something tells me you can’t help but enjoy it.”

I tiptoed & titled my head up towards Nikki, closing the gap in between our lips, surrendering myself to him. My lips crashed on to his & immediately that fire that only he could ignite spread to every part of me. My mind, my body, my soul we’re all ablaze with the feeling of him. For the first time in years, I did something I knew I shouldn’t, for no other reason than because I simply wanted to. There was no hidden reason or agenda, I just wanted him.

No, I craved him. I wanted him to show me the darker side of myself he promised, I wanted him to show me what my body was made for.

He pressed himself against me, tasting me, wrapping his arms around my waist & pulling me in closer. I could feel that tantalisingly smirk against my lips, I could taste his arrogance & it only made me want him more. I buried my fingers into his hair, gripping with desperate ferocity as he picked me up & thrust me roughly onto the kitchen work surface, deepening his kiss, causing me to moan gently into his mouth.

Nikki groaned seductively, breaking the kiss. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you make that noise for me.” He breathed, his hands travelling up my body to cup my face, holding it roughly, forcing me to look into his hungry eyes. He studied for me a second as I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, my body aching for his kiss.

“I knew I could make you fall from Grace.” He smirked. “We’re gonna have fun so much fun together, little Angel.” He grinned wickedly, letting go of my face but keeping his hand under my chin.

I smirked, a new found confidence washing over me as ran my hands through Nikkis disheveled hair & looked into those dark eyes.

I leaned in towards him, my soft lips grazing his lobe purposefully as I whispered proactively into his ear. “You have no idea what you’ve just started. Just because you won this round, doesn’t mean I’m gonna make this easy for you. When I’m through, even the devil is going to kneel before me.” I drawled, mimicking his arrogance before hopping off the work surface & walking away, leaving Nikki with his mouth open, desperate for more.

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 16

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -3.9k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- IF YOU WANT TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN THIS IS UPDATED, I THOUGHT I COULD START A TAG LIST SO LET ME KNOW. IF YOU’D RATHER BE NOTICED IN PRIVATE, MESSAGE ME TOO PLEASE!

- more smut to cum

- i’m having a hard time finding 2015 Niall gifs so i may add 2016 gifs instead. if you want to propose me any PLEASE message me. youll make my day!

- thank you so much for all the asks i get. you guys make me so happy. i cant even explain. thank you forever. i love you!!!

- the ending sucks? im sorry

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 16 : His chapter

NIALL

I tried to enjoy the afternoon with everyone but I couldn't pretend that I didn't mind that Liv was not there with me. After all, I decided to accept Harry's invitation this weekend to spend time with her and I was a bit annoyed that I was stuck with other people. I swam a bit but ended up mostly checking stuff on my phone and trying not to interact with people too much but I couldn't ignore them forever, especially not Maya who had tried to catch my attention all day.

I felt her sit on a chair next to me and it reminded me of when we were all around the fire a few nights ago. I could still remember her hand on my thigh and It made me swallow hard. I could feel her eyes on me and after a while, I couldn't resist and looked up, sending her a small but uncomfortable smile before looking back at my phone.

"I know you're avoiding me, Niall." she just admitted with a sigh, making me close my eyes. "I'm not sure why, though. I mean, you kissed me yesterday.. Is it wrong of me to think you may like me?"

I remained motionless for a few seconds, not really sure of what to answer her. I had no idea why I had kissed her but somehow, I regretted it. I knew doing something like that with her was going to make everything messier and that was why I had decided not to do anything in the first place. Now, it was too late and I knew blaming it on alcohol was just plain wrong, even if it was tempting.

I breathed in and turned to look at her, the expression on her face making me feel extremely guilty. Did I like Maya? No, I really didn't think so, and I was not sure why. She was physically everything I would have dreamed of, and had a great personality too, but I just didn't feel it at all. I remember wanting to shag her a few years ago but now I just didn't care. It made no sense and I didn't even want to try and understand my own feelings.

"Honestly, Maya." I sighed and shook my head slightly. "I'm just not ready for a relationship. Actually, I don't want a relationship."

I saw her face change and I could read sadness on her traits. I was a fucking asshole and also an idiot.

"I'm sorry, yesterday was just... a spur of the moment." I explained, moving my face closer to her and talking in a low and gentle tone. "Maybe I shouldn't have, but at that moment I really wanted it, but I don't think I want things to go further, you know?"

I noticed how disappointed she was and perhaps even heartbroken. I didn't know she liked me that much and it surprised me but there was nothing else I could do. I knew if I kept talking I would probably make things worse so I just reached out to grab her hand and squeezed it a bit, sending her a sad smile.

"Are you okay?"

I expected her to take her hand back but she just squeezed it too, putting her other hand over mine.

"No, I mean yes." she expressed, closing her eyes for a few seconds and chuckling low. "I mean, if you change your mind..."

I opened my lips to answer her but suddenly received a beach ball on my head, making me groan as I turned around. Gemma was laughing and Louis just shrugged as an apology, his eyes open wide. He looked amused and I just rolled my eyes.

"Clearly you suck at this game Tommo!" I yelled loud enough for him to hear when I noticed they were playing volleyball. "The girls are winning!"

"They beat us in numbers, that's why we're losing!" Liam argued, making me laugh again.

"Yea you tell yourself that, Liam!" I let out with a laugh.

"Why don't you show us your skills then, Neil?"

I hesitated a few seconds but finally got up, taking my shirt off and throwing it over my phone before running to them and joining the guys' team. We played for about an hour but lost against the girls and when we all walked back to the cars, I was exhausted. It made me realize I hadn't thought about my best friend in a while and just that simple idea made my heart skip a beat. She probably wasn't thinking about me either, most likely too busy to make out with Harry and I grimaced at that thought. I felt like i'd never be at ease with their relationship and it bugged me.

I noticed Maya decided to ride with Louis and it made me frown but at the same time, it was a relief. I didn't know how to act around her anymore and I was scared I had been a bit rough with her. After all, I did send her a few mixed signals and it was wrong of me, but it was better to be honest now than to make her believe something could happen between us.

"It's early, d'you think Harry and Liv are done doing it or should we just go grab a bite to give them more time?"

My head moved up to fast I almost heard my neck crack and I stared at Louis as he unlocked the door of his car to let people in.

"They're not... doing... anything." I pointed out with an annoyed chuckle, raising one of my shoulders up. "What are you on?"

"Oh Neil, you poor poor naive boy." Louis said with a laugh, shaking his head and putting his hand on my shoulder. "They've been postponing this shit for so long, don't you think they want to have some fun now?"

I frowned more, my eyes roaming on his face as he smiled more.

"If he touched her i'm gonna kill him." I just replied without thinking, making Louis chuckle.

"That's not really your business, Niall, is it now?"

My facial expression changed but I tried to keep the anger in. I was tired to hear that it was none of my business and that I was not allowed to protect and care for Liv. She was my best friends and that's what best friends do. I wanted to tell him to keep his opinions to himself but I swallowed my words, the feeling extremely unpleasant. Louis took a step closer and looked behind himself to make sure everyone was in the car before turning back to look in my eyes.

"If you want to be more than friends with her, you need to do it now, or it may be too late." he pointed out in a low tone, raising his eyebrows at me.

"I have no idea what the f-" I started, taking a step back, as he gripped my shoulder harder.

"Shut up." he cut me. "That little competition you've got going on with Harry? It's getting annoying, and it's about Olivia. The sooner you open your eyes the better, so we don't have to witness it anymore, okay?"

Without giving me the chance to answer, he turned around and sat in his car, closing the door roughly. I stood there for a few more seconds and finally pushed all the air out of my lungs before walking around my car and sitting behind the wheel. I would have laughed at his words if I hadn't been so fucking pissed. Everyone around me was going fucking insane, and Louis was just the worst of them all.

Maybe the way I cared about her could pass as more than friendship but they all knew how close Liv and I were and I couldn't understand why suddenly, it meant something else. Nothing had changed between us except maybe the fear of losing the other but that didn't mean we had feelings for each other.

I drove the whole way back to the lodge in silence, trying to respect the speed limits, even if I was impatient to get back there, if only to know if Louis was right. Now that he was mentioning it, they were always flirty around each other and it made something stir in my stomach. I remembered the way they danced at the club or the things they said when we played truth or dare. Why didn't I notice that before? It seemed so obvious now that that's what Harry had in mind when he asked me to spend time with Liv alone and I slapped myself mentally for being so oblivious to his intentions.

My seat belt was undone as soon as I parked the car and I quickly grabbed my stuff to walk back inside fast. I was still mad and I really didn't feel like talking with anyone so when I rushed to my room, I didn't think to knock. If catching my best friend masturbating wasn't enough, finding her naked under one of my bandmates would certainly do the trick from now on.

Liv let out a short high-pitched scream while Harry muttered a curse word, pushing his body over hers to hide her from my eyes. His reaction brought back the anger inside me and I held my breath as my eyes found Liv's. She immediately closed them as I remained motionless, facing the bed. I couldn't think of any worse scenario than this exact one.

"Niall, could you please just fucking leave?" Harry asked, glaring at me.

"You're fucking my best friend! I'm not leaving!"

The words escaped my lips and my heart skipped a beat. It didn't make any sense but at the same time, it did to me.

"We're not having sex, we were just making out." Liv explained in a soft voice, her eyes still shut tight.

"You're bloody naked!" I mentioned, my face twisting into an upset grimace. "You guys have been dating for like, two minutes!"

"That's none of your business, Niall, now leave." I heard Harry say, making me even angrier.

"You, you don't tell me what to do!" I let out meanly, taking a step closer and pointing a finger at him.

"NIALL! LEAVE!"

The room became quiet and my eyes met Olivia's as my lips parted in surprise. I let my arm fall back on my side, my heart beating hard in my chest as I tried to remember if my best friend even yelled at me before. I couldn't really blame her. I was, in fact, yelling at the guy she liked while she waited naked under him, but I was still shocked by her words. I remained motionless, just staring at her for a while, until she swallowed hard, closing her eyes again.

"Please, Nee, leave." she repeated in a low tone this time.

It took me about a minute to turn around and leave, shutting the door so hard behind myself that the frame shook slightly. I passed my hand in my hair, pulling on it hard and roughly, as I paced in the hall. I didn't know how to let go of that insanely painful and annoying feeling inside of me and I groaned low, closing my eyes hard, trying to get rid of the image of Harry on top of my best friend.

I don't know how long it took but it seemed to take forever until the door opened again. Harry stopped in front of me and we stared at each other until he shook his head a few times.

"What?" I let out a bit too loud, raising my hands up. "You're mad at me because you didn't have time to shag her?"

"I'm mad because you hurt her and she's sad." he let out slowly and in a low tone, making sure I heard every word. "I'm mad because she asked me to leave and I can't comfort her, she won't let me be there for her and yes Niall, I blame you."

He just moved past me, hitting my shoulder with his arm lightly as he left but I didn't budge.

"If you loved her, you should have told me when I asked you." he added as he reached his room. "Now it's too late."

I held my breath until I heard his door close and took a few steps, pushing on the ajar door of the room I shared with Liv. I was surprised to see her walk quickly around in the dark, wearing Harry's shirt. The sight made me cringe but I just shoved my hands on my pockets.

"What the FUCK are you doing?" I asked, my eyes following her as she grabbed stuff around the room.

"I'm leaving!" she just let out, not even looking at me.

"Leaving? From here? Or just from this room?"

She didn't answer but sniffed and that's when I noticed she was crying. I felt my heart break in my chest and most of my anger vanished. Seeing Olivia sad was the worst thing in the fucking world. I could have told her to leave. I could have told her to go see Harry if that's what she fucking wanted. But she was crying and it made me want to take her in my arms instead. She ended up on her knees, sobbing even more, and I knew that if she was shamelessly crying like that in front of me, it meant she couldn't control it. I sighed and put myself in front of her, getting on my knees too. They brushed against the carpet and I winced a bit at the pain in my left one, making me realize I shouldn't have played volleyball for so long.

"Please, petal, i'm so sorry."

Cautiously, I reached for her shoulders with both my hands, expecting her to push me away but instead, she just collapsed in my arms, her head leaning against my upper arm. I held her closer and tighter, burying my face in her hair and smelling the same thing I had noticed a few days ago. I inhaled deeply, the scent of vanilla invading me, and pressed her body against mine the best I could. It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous, and I was not even sure why she was crying. All I knew is that I wanted her to stop being sad.

"I'm so sorry." I repeated just as low. "I really shouldn't have. Fuck. I don't know why I got so pissed I just.. I just don't want him to take advantage of you."

I held her close a few more minutes and she wiped her tears on my shirt, looking up in my eyes. I brought both my hands to her face and cupped her cheeks, running my thumbs under her eyes to remove what was left of her sadness. My gaze traveled on her face, noticing how heartbroken she looked, and my lips parted slightly at how close we were.

"He was... he was not. I wanted this." she murmured.

I couldn't understand myself anymore. I didn't know what was happening to me, or what I wanted. All I knew was that I was losing her and that no matter what I did, nothing seemed to go back the way it used to be.

"I don't deserve it but please, forgive me." I breathed out, watching her eyes flutter close and open again, my face still only a few inches away from hers. "I'm gonna leave you two alone now, okay? I'll let you do whatever you want without a comment and without butting in."

She closed her eyes and I felt her shake a bit, aware that she was near sobbing.

"Hey, hey, Liv..." I tried to get her attention back. "I promise. Just... look, i'm so fucking scared to lose you."

I thought i'd regret my words but as soon as they escaped my lips, I felt an incredible relief wash over me but still held my breath. I could feel my heart beat against my rib cage but her eyes opened and she shook her head lightly.

"You'll never lose me, Niall." she pointed out, swallowing hard. "I feel like you're always so close to leave. I'm scared you'll realize that I'm nothing compared to the people you hang out with and you'll just drop me."

Her voice was low and weak and her words shook me in a way I didn't expect. How could she ever think something so bad coming from me? How could she ever think so low of herself?

"If anything, you're too good for me." I whispered, running one of my thumbs on her lips. "You're my best friend and I love you, okay? I'll always love you."

Her eyes got slightly bigger when I moved closer for a few seconds but I finally moved back and licked my lips, still cupping her face.

"You understand?" I asked, raising my eyebrows as she nodded slowly. "Okay."

I loosened the grip I had on her cheeks and she sat up, closing her eyes. I felt like shit for how I was acting around her and even if I couldn't shake the bad feeling I had about Harry and her, I knew I had to keep it to myself from now on, even if it would be tough.

"Please, stay."

She didn't look at me at all. She just got up, leaving her stuff on the floor, and walked to the bed to sit on it. I got up too and sighed, biting my bottom lip as I looked at her.

"Are you hungry?" I just asked, shoving my hands in my pockets again.

"Yea, give me a few minutes, I'll dress up and meet you in the kitchen." she said after clearing her throat. I nodded and turned on my heel but stopped again when I heard her voice. "You should go talk to Harry."

I shut my eyes tight, grabbing the inside of my pockets tight as I breathed in. I knew she was right, but there was nothing I wanted less than to go talk to him. Still, I had to do it for her.

"Okay."

I closed the door behind myself and quickly walked to Harry's room, knocking on the door. It swung open after only a few seconds and when I saw his smile fall down, I realized he had hoped for Liv, and not for me.

"Harry, I just wanted to say that i'm sorry." I quickly let out, one of my hands still twisting the fabric of the inside of one of my pockets. "That won't happen again."

His face softened slightly but I could tell he was still pissed at me. We remained silent for about a minute and I just nodded a few times, turning around to leave.

"Why?"

His question made me frown and I turned around to look at him again, shrugging.

"Why what?"

"Why didn't you just tell me that you loved her?" he questioned me, taking a step closer to me and leaning against the door frame.

"Because I don't." I rolled my eyes. "What's wrong with you guys? Liv and I have always been close, it's nothing new."

"No, things have changed." he argued again. "You never cared about who she dated before."

He was right, but I couldn't tell him that I knew him and that I was scared he'd break her heart. I couldn't tell him that seeing them together gave me a wrong vibe. I couldn't tell him I felt like I'd be the one who'd have to mend the pieces of her heart after he breaks it. So I just shrugged and raised my eyebrows.

"I've always been protective of her."

"That's very close to being possessive. You should know that."

I grimaced at his accusation but swallowed a bitter remark.

"Well that's over." I just explained. "I promise this won't happen again. By the way, it's dinner. I think Louis bought food on his way back."

When I walked down the hall, I heard some whispers and everyone was sitting at the table when I entered the kitchen. It was so obvious that they all had been listening that I suddenly felt nauseous. I took a seat as everyone started taking food from the bags Louis had placed on the table. He had decided on chinese and it made me take a mental note to hit the gym as soon as this crazy weekend would be over. I realized a bit too late that I was sitting next to Maya but I decided to not overthink it.

I tried not to stare when Liv and Harry entered the room too but noticed Louis sending them a smirk. They both sat next to each other but on the other side of the table and I bit my tongue hard enough to make sure I didn't make any comment about it. Was I annoyed that my best friend wasn't sitting by my side? Yes. But after the tantrum I had just thrown, I knew I should lay really fucking low.

We all started eating but for some reason, I didn't feel like talking with anyone. I didn't add anything or even laugh when Louis made a few comments about Liv and Harry spending the whole day alone together in the house. I focused on eating what was in my plate quickly and when I was done, I brought my dishes to the counter and got out of the room, letting myself fall on one of the couches with a loud sigh.

I only had a few minutes of alone time when I realized Maya had joined me, taking a seat next to me but not close enough to touch me. I looked up at her and blinked a few times as she sent me a sorry look.

"We sort of heard." she confessed, nibbling her bottom lip as my gaze dropped to my lap.

"Yea, I sort of guessed."

"I know you just want us to be friends but I want you to know that, if you need me, I'm always here."

I felt defeated and I didn't know why. I felt a lot of things these days that I just didn't understand. Olivia and I had talked, and we both made it clear that we would never leave each other. Then why did I still feel like shit? Why did I feel like a truck had ran over my heart until it stopped beating? Why the FUCK did I feel like I had lost?

"I don't know what I want anymore, Maya." I sighed, closing my eyes and passing one of my hands in my hair.

"What does that mean?"

I stayed motionless for a few seconds and finally opened my eyes, sighing again. I shrugged and looked up before diving my gaze into hers. She was gorgeous and kind. Smart and sexy. She was literally everything i've always dreamed of.

"It means i'm not making promises, but I guess we could try. We could go on a date, maybe?"

I saw surprise light up her face and her lips parted, making me chuckle sadly. I was not sure I was doing the right thing but at this point, I was not sure of anything. Perhaps, finding myself someone to be with would make all of this easier. Maybe I wouldn't be so angry anymore when I'd see Harry with my best friend.

"If you're still interested, of course."

[annakie]

Notes on a Blog Cleanup, Part 3

Continuing this...

So I started with 3021 pages of blog.  It’s a bit hard to determine EXACTLY where “halfway done” is since I’ve my guesstimate is that I’ve now deleted more than 1000 posts, and of course new blog posts have been made etc. etc. but I’m now on page 1508, so, close enough to halfway through the blog.

I had posted back in like... March?  Or May? of 2013 celebrating my 20,000th post.  I now have 44,428 as of writing this (which is hilarious to me for inside-joke related reasons.)  So, yeah,  Close enough to halfway.   Page 1508 is in November, 2013.  

So it took two and a half years to make half of the blog’s content.  2013 me has settled into a decent tagging system finally, everything is tagged by me and nearly every post tagged.  But I’m still finding some things I didn’t tag correctly or almost at all that need fixing.  So that’s being corrected.  Finding some good gems both Mass Effect related and now Thrilling Adventure Hour related.  Good memories.  I like the blog a lot more now than I did in the first two years.

I also really started having a consistent queue in 2013 and usually it’s set to 10 - 15 posts a day, sometimes 20 if I’m really active on tumblr for a time, so scrolling-time moves faster.  I also really started unfollowing a lot of people around this time and curating the people I follow down to just people who tag their posts (a rule that I still strictly follow), which helped a lot.

My “personal post tag thingy” tag is getting filled up the most. Everything I can’t catalog anywhere else is going there.  It was a tag of about 45 pages when I started this and now it’s over 80 pages.  Also all Mass Effect stuff including gifs, edits and random thoughts are being consolidated to annakie’s mass effect stuff , same with TAH as annakie’s tah stuff.  

I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to keep this up?  Maybe another year’s worth?  After a point I did a pretty good job of keeping everything tidy.  But hey, maybe I’ll go up all the way to like, this year.  Who knows.  I mean, I still have a LOT of Doctor Who to watch while I do this. :p

Speaking of which, I’m on Journey’s End (which made me realize that I 100% said the wrong title of the Doctor Who episode a week or two ago when I meant Doomsday, gotta go fix that post).  Man these episodes are a mess but in a great way.  So much is going on and so little makes actual sense but you don’t care because EVERYONE IS THERE.

There’s one of the four “movies” from the next “season” I really hated and only watched once, the one with the bus in the desert and the jewel thief lady.  Guess it’ll be time for a second viewing.

Also slightly amusing, the number of times I’ve been watching a scene in Doctor Who and then I scroll past a post that gifs that EXACT SCENE.  Just happened for like the 20th time.

[wintersxsoul]

Darkness Upon Us

Summary: You’ve always been cursed, being souless wasn’t as bad as everyone thought, but when you met Loki, maybe that loveless life you’ve grew to love could change.

Pairing: Loki x Female Reader

Word count: almost 2k

Warnings: A bit of smut, angst, abusive/ mean reader(?)

A/N: I’m such a mess, this has been on my WIPs for a month, I’m so sorry it took me so long to write this. I hope you like it and once again, I’m sorry for the delay.

Anon Request: Angsty fic based on this two gifs.

Everyone is afraid of darkness, but not darkness itself. Everyone is afraid of their own darkness, scared to let it out and burn everything they’ve built. You’ve always been drawn to darkness, to everyone’s deepest desires and sins, every twisted thoughts and acts.

Your own darkness was to discover that deepest, twisted side of others.

You knew yourself since you were a kid, always manipulating others to do whatever you wanted to, pushing them to the breaking point. To your parents, you were a ray of sun, so they never understood why you had no friends, until you reached your teenager years.

When you were sixteen, you had your first boyfriend and after a year dating, you decided to break his heart in the worst way, just for the fun of it. You were cheating on him with his older brother and his best friend at the same time, making him find out by setting a meeting hour and not appearing. When he showed up, he caught you fucking his friend and all you did was smirk at him, seeing how his heart shattered into million pieces. After that, your parents had had enough, and decided to send you to live with your aunt in New York.

10 years later, you were working in the Avengers Tower as their psychologist, being one of the best in the country. You knew that what you were doing was wrong, but as you already said, you were drawn to the darkness in others, it was like a drug and Loki, was the best drug dealer. Tony Stark hired you to treat him specifically after he came back from Sakaar with Thor, saying he wanted to redeem himself and all that. You couldn’t say no to that offer.

You were married to a boring guy who loved you with all his heart and soul, oblivious to the fact that you lacked the latter. You met Connor at your last year of college and yeah, you liked him and the sex was good, but something pulled you towards him, something as dark as the night. After 2 years living together and married, you started to wonder if you were wrong about him, since he was as good as always.

-

Loki was pulling at your hair so hard you thought your whole scalp was on fire, your legs limb due to the intensity of the orgasms you had, bent over your desk in your office. He was hitting you from behind, leaving red marks on your ass, his spanks becoming harsher and his thrusts erratic, his orgasm washing over him. A few thrusts more and some friction on your clit, had you over the edge for the fourth time.

“We should really stop this, you could get fired or worse, Connor could find out.” You looked at Loki while you fixed your clothes and hair, laughing at his stupid concern.

“Connor finding out? He is so pathetically in love with me that I have to laugh. And no one is firing me, I’m the best at my job.” You shrugged and sat at the edge of your messy desk waiting for him to get dressed.

“Why don’t you leave him if you don’t love him?” He asked as he sat on the armchair. You smiled and stood up, walking towards him and sitting on his lap. You caressed his face and leaned in, attacking his mouth with yours, causing him to gasp. His hands grabbed your hips so hard you knew you would have bruises later.

“And why would I do that?” You asked while he kissed your neck, sucking at the sweet spot he knew drove you wild.

“Besides, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” You put your wedding ring back to your finger, making Loki’s marks disappear since he charmed it so when you wore it all evidence of your encounters wouldn’t be visible.

“How many time do we have left?” You looked at your watch and frowned in confusion.

“Your session ended fifteen minutes ago. I hope the next patient is late or not curious enough to peek.”

Loki smiled and you moved from his lap, letting him stand up to leave. He gave your lips a small peck but biting your bottom lip.

“When will I see you again?” Loki asked you with a glint of hope in his eyes. You knew he always asked in case you wanted to meet with him, but that never happened. One thing was having sex with him and another different one was sharing your life and time with him. You moved back to your desk and took your agenda, checking when your next appointment was.

“Well, since you seem to be responding positively to therapy, I will see you in two weeks instead of next week.” Loki frowned, thinking maybe you didn’t get the question right. He wanted to meet you outside the Avengers HQ. You were more than his therapist and you knew it, that’s why you wanted to keep this affair between these four walls. Dating a patient was wrong being a therapist, but for you it was a death sentence. You’ve never loved anyone besides yourself, so love was something unknown to you. Something you never wanted to feel.

Loki paced around his room, his thoughts somewhere else. He knew he fucked up with you, showing so much interest, knowing how you were. He once had the power stone so he had the blessing and now the curse to know and see beyond people’s souls. Yours was as dark as a moonless night and maybe that’s why he was so drawn to you. He knew that falling in love with you was the biggest mistake he could have ever made, but he was desperate to fill his aching empty heart.

“Oh mother, I wish you were here to tell me what to do.” He said looking at the sunset, a single tear falling from his eyes. He prayed to the Norns so they could change his already sealed fate of pain and tragedy.

You were sitting next to Connor in your living room, silently cursing yourself for marrying him. He tried to bring joy to your boring lives, but you knew you needed more, and he could never give it to you. That’s why you decided to break his heart and leave him.

“Connor, we need to talk.” He looked at you with a deep sadness in his eyes and you already felt that sickening feeling of happiness you always found in someone else’s pain.

“You are seeing someone else. Right?” You stared at him in awe, not sure how he knew since you were really careful not to be discovered.

“Yes. Since when do you know?” He frowned and stared at you shocked, not sure why you didn’t try to lie to him. But you knew better.

“Do you love him? Because I know for sure you’ve never loved me. I just thought with time you would fall in love with me.” You had the sudden urge to laugh, because this stupid asshole really thought you would ever love him. Instead of laughing, you shrugged really not knowing if you loved Loki for sure.

“I think so. Are you gonna leave me?” You suddenly felt a deep happiness by the thought of him disappearing from your life for good, now that you broke his heart.

“No. You are my wife and I do love you, so you are stuck with me til’ death do us part. Because you know I don’t believe in divorce, you knew this when you married me.”

“But I want to be with him.” You sounded so real it scared you. Was this true?

“I don’t care.” Oh fuck. All your hopes of getting rid of him vanished. You stood up and went to your room, Connor followed you with his eyes until you disappeared. You got dressed and texted Loki, knowing he would run to you at any given time.

“I need a walk, I don’t know when I’ll be back, so don’t wait for me.” He looked at you and smiled, the sight disgusting you making your guts twist.

“You are going to see him, aren’t you?” He stood up and approached you, the look he gave you was scary but to you it was just a look of a scared man trying to keep his love caged.

“No, I need fresh air and to think.” You were always an amazing liar so he believed you, the tension in his eyes disappearing. He leaned in and tried to kiss you, but you turned your face away so he could kiss you on the cheek instead. You rushed to the door and left him broken and alone in the middle of your hall.

Once you reached the compound you set your plan in motion starting with fake crying to Loki.

“What happened Y/n?” He knew it was grave since you never ever shed a single tear, not even when you really felt like crying.

“I told Connor about us, b-because I want to be with you. But he won’t leave me.” You saw Loki’s gaze change from concern to hope. A blinding hope that you knew would bring him to do whatever you needed and wanted him to. You knew he had been manipulated before, but this time he had the misfortune to be in love with you.

“What can I do to help?” He sounded so desperate to help, he had fallen in your trap and you knew he would do anything to keep you safe, even kill someone.

“As long as one of us is alive, he won’t leave me.” You hoped your voice could show the emotion of desperation you needed.

“Then, if you don’t mind, I will do as you ask. I will end him.” He sounded so dark and like his old self that you had hope that maybe this could work.

“Would you do that for me? For us?”

“I would do anything for you, my love.” He leaned in and kissed you, his rage growing as you held him like he was all you needed in the world. And maybe it was true? Maybe you could really be with someone and love them.

Loki disappeared surrounded by a green light and you really felt hopeful. Maybe the curse you were born with could be broken, maybe you could have a soul after all.

But you couldn’t be vulnerable, you couldn’t do that to yourself. Not after all these years of being an empty shell. At that exact moment you received a text from Loki, everything was taken care of. He didn’t kill him, but he made Connor to forget you and all the years you spent together, it was like you never existed for him. You smiled triumphantly and left a little note on Loki’s bed.

When he came back to his empty chambers, his fear came true. You were gone. Loki started crying, the heartbreak that he had been preparing for stronger than what he had thought. He approached his bed and found a piece of paper.

“I need to figure out what I want. I know this is what you had expected of me, but I really love you or at least I think I do.

Please, wait for me. I will be back, I promise you.

Yours forever, Y/n.”

He crumpled the note and clutched to his heart, he wiped his tears and smiled hopefully. The Norns may had heard his prayers and his fate wasn’t as sealed as he thought. You were going to be back, you both knew that.

TAGLIST IS ON MY BIO.

@trashpanda-barnes / @sideeffectsofyou /  @madamefresa / @lilypalmer1987 /  @gravedollie666 /  @sarahivi /  @gummiwormsandonedirection / @deamstellarus /  @zeilenkrieg /  @lokixme /  @unicorn-princess-1999 / @thatchick147 / @writingsoftheloser / @avenging-blackwidow / @bluedazefangirl / @dangertoozmanykids101 / @gildedmaggot / @firstyear-ravenclaw / @lonelyheart-jadedsoul / @xmessaroundx 

[untapdtreasure]

TV Show Ask Game 1, 3, 5, 7, 9-29, and 31-49.

TV Show Ask Game

1. if you could reboot one TV show, which one would it be? Earth 2. But only if they could go back in time with the same cast at those ages. It was a brilliant concept that maybe just came ahead of its time.

3. have you ever quit a show before it finished? why? No. But I've wanted to. Once I start something I like to finish it.

5. what’s your comfort show? H20: Just Add Water. I seem to go back to it when I need something light and fun and that doesn't require a ton of thinking in order to enjoy it. I know it's an Australian teenage drama, but I absolutely adore it and the characters.

7. have you ever been inspired to start a new show based on gifs or memes it has produced? The Man From the High Castle and Westworld.

9. what’s one show you thought you’d hate but turned out to really enjoy? Family Guy. I usually don't care for shows with that kind of humor, but it has turned out to be a true gem and favorite of mine.

10. what’s one show you thought you’d love but turned out to really hate? Sons of Anarchy.

11. which TV show has the best musical soundtrack, in your opinion? Cold Case. And Supernatural.

12. have you ever watched a show just for a specific actor? did you enjoy it? I tried to watch Californication because of my love for David Duchovny. I didn't get past season one, and I haven't had the urge to continue it further.

13. what genre of TV show is your favourite? Science-Fiction.

14. do you tend to stick to one type of TV show (eg, short-form comedy), or are you into many different genres? I love a ton of different genres. I mean, sticking to one type is mega boring. And I'm not always in the mood for something funny or drama or sad or whatever. So I like to have options. Lots and lots of options.

15. do you feel like there are any overrated TV show formats? I'm not really sure what this means so I'm not going to comment.

16. do you feel like there are any underrated TV show formats? I'm not really sure what this means so I'm not going to comment. 

17. have you ever written fanfiction for a TV show? I started with CSI and The X-Files a long time ago (2004) and still write it today. So yeah. I've written fanfiction for a television show that I love. Several of them in fact. Fifteen years and still going strong.

18. have you ever drawn fanart for a show? I cannot draw to save my life. So the closest thing I've ever drawn for a show was stick figures for The Walking Dead for another ask meme. LOL.

19. are there any shows on your “to watch” list right now? Oh my heck! There are a ton of shows and movies that are on my list to watch at a later date. I even go through it sometimes and delete things that I've added in the past that I know I will never get around to watching. It drives my husband mad to see all the crap in there that never gets watched.

20. Netflix, Hulu, or Prime originals? I happen to like some of all of them, but my favorites just so happen to be Hulu ones. The Handmaid's Tale and Hollie Hobby!

21. if you could be a guest star on any show, which one would it be? The X-Files but that won't ever happen because I'm pretty sure that the show is likely done this time around. I hope anyway. LOL.

22. if you could write your own TV show, what would it be like? A complete disaster. It would be a feel-good show with characters that care more about others around them than anything else. So yeah! A complete disaster. I'll leave the writing to the professionals and stick to writing fanfiction because it's so much easier.

23. are you a fan of will-they-won’t-they plots? Yes, I am. Some of the best ships have come from just that scenario.

24. how do you feel about bottle episodes? I have a love/hate relationship with them. When I haven't seen a character or a couple of characters for a bit, they are fun to play catch up with them, but then I would rather every episode have a little of everyone than focus on one group or character solely.

25. do you prefer proper opening credits, or a simple title card? A simple title card is all that I need because I'm ready to watch the show. I know who stars in it. I don't need to see it every time.

26. favourite TV show theme song? Pretty Little Liars.

27. which actor do you think deserves an Emmy for their work on TV? Melissa McBride and Andrew Lincoln from The Walking Dead.

28. who would be your dream cameo on your favourite show? Kathryn Erbe in the Zombie Apocolypse would be an absolute dream come true! I'd love to see her play in a scene opposite Melissa McBride's Carol.

29. do you tend to quote TV shows a lot? have you ever started using a word/phrase because of a TV show? No, I don't usually quote anything from a TV show unless I'm talking to a fellow fan and we're discussing the show. And I can't think of a time that I've ever taken a phrase from a show/movie and used it in real life. OHHH! Yes, I have! There is a contestant on Survivor that says, "Oh my heck!" and I love that phrase now. LOL.

31. do you use subtitles while watching TV if you can? I will rewind a scene and turn them on if I'm confused about something that is being said, or I'm making a comic strip/photo or gif set where I need the exact quote.

32. what’s one show you could watch over and over? Earth 2, H20: Just Add Water, Mako Mermaids, etc. I could go on and on with some of my favorite feel-good shows.

33. would you be interested in trying a show in another language? I've tried to watch a new series on Netflix, but it just really takes me out of it when I have to read the words. I can't focus on the actions and scenery if I'm constantly having to read the dialogue.

34. what are your top 5 shows right now? The Walking Dead, Law & Order: SVU, Heartland, The Rookie, and 9-1-1.

35. who are your top 5 TV characters right now? Carol Peletier, Lt. Olivia Benson, Athena Grant, Howard 'Chimney' Han, Rookie Officer John Nolan

36. what TV character would you die for? Carol Peletier. But not really.

37. which TV show setting would you most like to visit? The Walking Dead.

38. do you prefer hour long episodes, or 30 minute? It really depends on the material. Sometimes thirty minutes is long enough to tell a complete story, but sometimes, you really need that full hour.

39. do you prefer 22 episode seasons, or 13? It really depends on the show and the story being told.

40. is there a show coming out soon that you’re really excited about? The sixth season of The 100. There is nothing new coming out that I'm that interested in.

41. if you could change 1 detail about any show, what would you change and why? I would change the way in which season four of The Walking Dead was executed so that it made better sense. I wouldn’t necessarily change the main plot points, but I would change how the story was told and would elaborate on whatever needed to be elaborated on so that it made more sense narratively speaking. I believe that certain things had to happen to get the payoff down the road, but the way in which it was written and executed was entirely bogus. Scott Gimple did not trust his audience at all. 

42. what’s the longest amount of time you’ve ever watched a show in one sitting? Five plus hours when binge watching ER with my Mom on the weekends.

43. what do you think is a good amount of seasons for a TV show? Six or Seven. But that depends on the show and material for the show. Some shows really can't be wrapped up in that time frame, but some that really should end on a good note. Justified is a wonderful show, but those in charge knew that it was time to let it go. But Supernatural doesn't seem to know that it should end already. The first five or six seasons were brilliant, but it got a little (or a lot) stupid after that.

44. if you could replace any actor on TV in playing their role, who would you like to play and why? I wouldn't want to replace anyone because I absolutely love and adore the people chosen to play their specific roles. I wouldn't want to mess with the chemistry of the cast for even one minute.

45. do you own any TV shows on DVD? I own several shows on DVD. Too many to list.

46. do you prefer to watch TV alone or with friends? Alone because if you watch with friends there is too much talking going on.

47. are there any shows you love but your friends aren’t interested in? Like almost everything. LOL. My tastes and theirs do not usually mesh. It's rare that we have overlapping interest in a show.

48. are there any shows your friends love but you aren’t interested in? Yes. Just about as many of my shows as their shows, honestly.

49. who are your favourite couples on TV? Well, most of them are really canon ships, but there is Carol & Daryl from The Walking Dead, Olivia Benson and Rafael Barba from SVU, Regina Mills and Robin of Locksley from Once Upon a Time, Mulder and Scully from The X-Files. There are several more, but I think those are plenty to list right now. I have an otps page if you'd like to see the ones that I love the most. Oh! Han & Leia from Star Wars.

[urwarriorangel]

‘anything you want’ (bellamy blake au, part viii)

Plot: You go to pick Bellamy up from the club, but once you’re there, nothing goes as planned. After locking yourself out of your room, you make friends with a stranger and manage to reopen old wounds.

Pairings: kinda Ilian x Reader, mentioned Bellamy x Reader

Warnings: angst, drinking, language, v bad strip club references

A/N: hello babes! welcome to yet another angsty part of ‘anything you want’! this series has been kind of a roller-coaster and while i want to go back and edit it, i think it’ll fuck up the plot if i do. so enjoy it as is please lol! this part is kind of angsty, it’s a slight recap of the series thus far. please lmk what you think! (gifs not mine)

‘anything you want’ masterlist

“Damn it, pick up!” You growl out as you try Bellamy’s cell again.

You’ve been outside the club for 15 minutes trying all the guys’ phones with no luck. How’s Nathan going to call you telling you to pick up Bellamy and then not bother to check either of their phones afterward?

You wait another five minutes, calling them all continuously and still end up out of luck.

Deciding you’ve had enough, you walk into the club only to immediately be met with the sight of Bellamy on stage with a stripper. Your heart is already hammering in your chest, wondering what the hell Bellamy was doing on the stage in the first place.

You watch him happily (almost too happily) and drunkenly grinding against one of the strippers, noticing none of the sadness that Nate mentioned earlier. A chair is pulled out and the stripper pushes him down on it as you watch, unable to take your eyes off of the interaction. Your breath hitches in your throat as Bellamy smirks up at the girl, his hands make their way up the backs of her thighs as she starts giving him a lap dance. He says something to her and she laughs, wrapping her arms around her neck as his close in around her ass.

Just as you thought it couldn’t get worse, she leans down and presses her lips against his. You finally tear your eyes away and finally manage to spot Nate in the crowd. You walk over to him, furious as he cheers Bellamy on.

“You’re right, Nathan. He looks real fucking sad,” you grit out the words and push past him, slamming him with your shoulder as his eyes go wide and he remembers calling you.

“What did--when did you get here?” Nate looks at you and then at Bellamy and you laugh, shaking your head. “I got here with time to spare. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Y/N please wait!” Nate calls after you but you shake your head, ignoring him as you walk out to your car and make your way to the hotel.

You fight off your tears the whole way, only letting them out once you’ve parked. You sit in your car, crying your eyes out and not wanting to admit why. You and Bellamy aren’t dating. You two are finally friends again and you don’t want anything to ruin that, not your budding feelings or your jealousy. So you take a few minutes to calm yourself, to remind yourself what happened the last time you gave in to these feelings.

You wipe the final tears and take a deep breath, finally getting out of your car and walking to the hotel… only when you check for your key card you realize you never grabbed it. Great. Just what you need.

“Fucking hell. I need a drink,” you shake your head and go to the bar, throwing caution to the wind and trying to ignore the fact that you’re dressed in some tiny shorts and a large t-shirt, bra optional. But if you can’t go up to your room and finish crying, you might as well get plastered and then hate yourself for it the next day.

The bar is empty for the most part, just a few stragglers and some ladies looking to rip off the old stragglers. Respect.

“Hi, can I get a few shots?” You call the bartender over and as he’s pouring you the shots, he raises a brow at you.

“Not to be rude or out of line, but you’re at this bar at 2 in the morning dressed in your pajamas. What’s bothering you?” You look up, determined to tell him to mind his own business, but you’re caught off-guard by his soft brown eyes and the mischievous smile on his face. “What? Cat got your tongue?”

“No, but I kinda wish you did,” you respond, quickly downing a shot as he watches you, eyes narrowed slightly.

“You’re upset and I’m your bartender. As hot as you are, I can’t--I won’t take advantage of you. So tell me, what’s bothering you?”

“You’re no fun,” you roll your eyes as he stares at you, waiting for a response. You sigh and look down at your drink, twirling the small glass in your hands. “It’s a can of worms I don’t want to open. I can’t open. Not again.”

“Not again?” His eyes soften and he watches the way yours fill with tears, the way you refuse to let them fall.

“Guy issues,” you chuckle and look up at him. “We hooked up once years ago, and he made me feel like I was the worst decision he’d ever made. He humiliated me in front of our friends. He wasn’t healthy for me at the time, he wasn’t healthy for himself either. Since then, we’ve been through a lot together. He’s genuinely apologized and all his actions seem to mirror his regrets. We’ve gotten to become really good friends and recently I thought we were both on the same page regarding out feelings, but I don’t think we are. And I can’t put myself in a situation like that, I can’t go through that again.”

“Hey,” the bartender reaches over and slowly (secretly) wipes your tears. “You don’t think he’s into you? Or you don’t think you want to find out?”

“Well I saw him making out with a stripper just an hour ago, so I don’t know. One of our friends texted me and told me that Bell was really said and I should come pick him up, and, because obviously that’s who I am, I went to pick him up” you laugh and your new friend chuckles a bit. “And when I got there, he seemed the exact opposite of sad. Maybe a little horny but that’s about it.”

“Well, maybe he was drunk? Not that that excuses anything, but still.”

“That and we’re not together. We’re friends. I need to get that in my head,” you sigh and give him a tight-lipped smile. “What’s your name?”

“Ilian,” he smiles and takes your empty glass. “What’s yours?”

“Nice name. I’m Y/N,” you hold out a hand for him to shake.

“It’s a pleasure,” he grabs your hand and places a kiss on your knuckles before gently letting go.

“When are you done for the night?” Ilian raises a brow at you and you hold your hands up in surrender. “I don’t have my key card and I’m assuming my drunk ass will be safer with you than it will be with these creeps.”

“You have a point there. We’re closing in 10 minutes. Final call was just before you walked in. You looked too sad for me to turn away, so here we are,” he smiles at you and you down the remaining shots, giving him a grateful smile in return.

“I appreciate it more than you know. Now hurry so we can leave.”

He smirks at you, kicking out the stragglers and quickly closing up.

“Ready?” Ilian holds an arm out and you slip yours in the crook of his elbow.

“Let’s go. I can barely stand,” you pout and rest your head on his shoulder.

“I have a room in the hotel, it’s not too far,” he rests his head against yours, laughing as you go off on a tangent and start talking about gorillas of some sort. “Come on.”

Ilian leads you up to his room and unbeknownst to you, the boys have arrived back at the hotel. They’re as wild as ever, laughing and singing to each other. You’re too drunk and too tired to pay any attention to anyone but Ilian. And as drunk as Bellamy is, you catch his eye and he can’t seem to ignore the laugh that left your mouth when Ilian teased you. He can’t seem to stop his fears from running wild, his heart from tearing apart. But like you earlier, he can’t find the courage to stop you.

[hayleysutton]

hi I don’t have any gifs of crystal reed on this computer so have a gif of rapunzel instead??

I was gonna try to make this sound poetic or whatever but honestly I’m tired of trying to pretty up something that just isn’t pretty. Over the past 5 months I have been going to a new therapist and this one is finally getting me somewhere. And I’m not gonna really expand on that - point is I’ve come to explain a few things, I guess. I know I’m not obligated to, and half of you probably don’t even come on so you’ll never even see this but it’s gonna make me feel better to know it’s here.

So, if you ever wondered “Hey, why does Brittany (or Hayley) seem wishy-washy, contradictory, etc.?” “Why did Brittany say she was gonna do this thing and then not get to it?” or anything to do with “Why did Brittany do (insert said thing here) that doesn’t seem like her?” -- OR “Hey! Why did Brittany just disappear off the face of the Earth while we were roleplaying?” I’m here to answer all of this. If you have your own pressing question about “Why did Brittany (or Hayley) do (this specific thing you have a question about)?” And it doesn’t seem to get answered below feel free to message me over here on my personal.

Let’s get this thing started before my anxiety kicks in and I chicken out LOL.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t want any of you to read this and wonder why the hell I’m posting this so I’m gonna make it super clear right off the bat. This is for me, first - and if it helps you learn, or it makes you feel better in some way, then it is also for you. I’m not trying to toot my own horn and say “Wow, look I’m learning how to be a better person.” It’s not like that -- I have lived with a lot of guilt, sadness, regret, and general yuckyness ever since this roleplay started to close and I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want you guys to think in any way you could have changed anything, or that you caused anything -- this entire “yuck” thing happening was a long time coming in my life and previous events had built up to get me to where I am today. It was never you guys doing anything, or any other roleplay I joined before or after this. But I feel close enough to all of you on here to put this out here, rather than somewhere else.

Okay, according to this blog archive I joined Exchange October 31, 2014. Sooo, almost four years ago - and I can still remember being eighteen and excited to be in another roleplay. And for a while (I think?) it was all good. I don’t know exactly when my anxiety started to leak in, but it did - because it has in every roleplay since this one. I’m not gonna track down the exact posts where things started to get a bit wonky on my end, but I know it’s in there somewhere.

I made a post a while back about being a different person than I was back when I played Hayley, and that much still holds true. I could not possibly play Hayley the way I did back when this was still up and running. I couldn’t embody my worry the way I did back then. Hayley became an outlet for basically all of my good energy, and all of the negative as well. Hayley was inconsistent as a character because I was inconsistent as a writer, Hayley was contradictory in her life because I wanted so badly to pick the “right answer” for everything that I wanted both at once. I spent so long getting to replies because I wanted to get everything “just right” because I had to make sure you guys would like whatever I was writing. And if I’m honest, I have very fond memories of all of you and chatting OOC and making memories -- But I hated playing Hayley. I hated getting on here and fearing screwing up.

So as things gradually dropped down the hill that I was tumbling down I started making promises, that I had every intention of keeping. I still have drafts saved of things that I fully intended to do. But then this little (huge) unhealthy coping mechanism would kick in -- And this is honestly my biggest problem to this day that I’m actively working on as I type this -- I would just shut down. I do this thing where I think about how big and scary everything is that I have to do and I get very overwhelmed and I shut off. And that’s not anything anyone caused, really, but because of previous trauma this is what my brain has been doing to survive. And so, for the past... Basically 10-ish years of my life I have been battling with this.

-- So there’s a huge chunk of the questions answered.

I guess another one that might have come up is “Why do you feel so badly about this in the first place?” There might be a “get over it” tacked on in there somewhere. And to that I say - Yeah, I plan to once I post this and answer any lingering questions that might come in. But to answer the actual question that I posed. I feel bad because I have spent a lot of my time trying to be seen as perfect (or at least as “perfect” as possible). I have never wanted people to see any of my flaws because I thought if they did they wouldn’t like me, or they would think negatively of me. And from there I thought people wouldn’t want to be my friend if they could see something negative. And trying to be “perfect” all the time has turned me into kind of a shitty person. (Some of you are gonna be like “what are you talking about Brittany you’re always so (insert whatever positive thing here)” and yes, thank you for that I have tried to be - but I’ve also just kind of blatantly avoided ever talking about anything wrong I’ve done)

I’ve never been good with confrontation, and it still makes me wildly uncomfortable - especially when I’m involved in it - but I encourage you to message me privately if you have ever had some sort of unresolved issue with me. Because if we ever did -- I’ve probably avoided even paying attention to it and I’m willing to have a civilized conversation. (If you’re like “Brittany, it’s old news I don’t care anymore.” That’s cool, too.)

-- I think that about sums everything up. Like I said I’ll answer questions about whatever you wanna know, really.

If you made it this far thanks for reading. Don’t know how you made it through that essay but I appreciate it if you did.

Signing off,

Brittany // Hayley ;)

[smokedcapybara]

I feel like you'd have absolutely excellent D&D characters because your imagination is great.

I actually struggle a lot with making D&D characters, in fact I think I’ve only ever made one character specifically for D&D

my brain just can’t create a character out of nothing, I need something - a setting, a plot, even just a line will work - to create them off of (though I will specify that numbers, like character stats, are not something I can create a character off of)

so usually I take pre-existing characters of mine and convert them into D&D characters and then they often grow into separate entities from the originals

but I am good at role-playing and I have some D&D characters who became very loved by my fellow players

my brother has actually said he likes to have me in his campaigns because while I’m not good at the numbers and stats and all that I’m one of the best role-players he’s dmed and most of the other people he dms are better at the numbers and stuff than the role-playing so I’m usually there to even it out and keep things interesting

anyway, now that I’ve got the humility out of the way I’m gonna take this as an opportunity to rave about my favorite D&D characters I’ve had over the years

Inigo - everyone’s favorite gnome

a gnome fighter, the original Inigo - a mercenary in a book I might never publish - was created to be a mix of Inigo Montoya(Princess Bride), Puss in Boots(Shrek), and Reepicheep(Chronicles of Narnia), and boy did that come out well in role-playing

he infuriated the other characters with his sort-of catchphrase “we are brothers of heart, and soul, and mind!”, but also was the first person his friend and adventuring companion Zephyr went to about a crush on one of the girls who helped them(Inigo’s advice was “whatever you do, be yourself” cause he’s a huge romantic who believes if someone doesn’t love you for you then they aren’t The One)

one of the funnest characters to role-play and apparently everyone else’s favorite of my role-playing characters

Damian - my first good D&D character

originally the wise and mysterious cleric in a superhero team styled after rp adventuring groups he went through a couple variations before my first ever D&D campaign, which he was my second character in after my first ran off with my brother’s rogue’s dead body(I’ll explain later)

a noble’s son who was essentially forced to be a cloister cleric, Damian literally snuck away to adventure, and was somehow the most prepared in his party despite 1) it being his first ever adventure and 2) him being like 16 and having lived in a library/church/thing practically his whole life

he was also incredibly shy and fairly socially awkward but a very good ally once I found out I could just hold an action during fights to heal my party members the moment they got hurt

that campaign was the campaign of lucky rolls, like when he got hit in the arm by an arrow and I said he’d just pull it out and heal himself and the dm made me roll for it - I got a 20(imagine little book nerd 16 year-old pretty-boy literally pulling an arrow out of his arm without wincing and just healing it and moving on) - or when we walked in on a group of goblins burning books and I rolled a 20 on attack and one-shot one of them with a freaking throwing dart(never let a book-nerd cloister cleric see you burning books)

also he knew more about the campaign than our bard did with bardic knowledge(she knew we were looking for these fruit and she knew what they were called, Damian knew the exact conditions they needed to grow and why they were called what they were called and some other things I’ve forgotten)

Drew Quinn - Doctor Scratch-n-sniff

my first ever D&D character, he’s not a favorite but he is a good example of my loyalty to character in role-play

he was a doctor from a secluded village who left to find a cure to a deadly illness and kinda lost his morals along the way, since his village was purely humans(with some distant dragon ancestry that was relevant to the campaign but never revealed cause he took off with the rogue’s body) he had never seen any of the other D&D races before leaving so he joined the party for the sole purpose of studying their anatomy(especially those of the gnome and halfling - adult anatomy in such small bodies??)

so when they got into fights he would just stand to the side and take notes and only step in if it looked like they’d get too disfigured for studying. the one time he did step in he ended the fight with like two/three sentences. and then when the halfling rogue got killed by rats Drew decided the body was more valuable than following the rest of the party wherever they went and took off with it to study

Laea - The Barbarian

the first incarnation of Laea was 9/10 years ago - she was a gang member in a story about a gang of teens who discover they’re all secretly gods. the second was in a role-play game me and my brother did before we started D&D, roughly 6/7 years ago, in which her personality was established in the very first scene when she punched one of the other characters right after waking up and yelled ‘pervert!’

her other most iconic moment was yelling “pansy little wizard boy” when the party wizard went invisible when the party all first met

a druid barbarian who’s only actual weapon was a spiked gauntlet(her other weapons consisted of a crowbar, a chain, and a battering ram) and who’s more likely to punch her allies than to actually fight(mostly cause I started getting bad anxiety around her finally becoming a D&D character and relying on dice is very hard) she was another favorite of my friends’

Buttercup - Secret B.A.?

Buttercup was introduced as a kind, friendly, cheerful bard who always used Inspire Confidence or Inspire Competence(through dancing) instead of fighting

then almost one-shot a boss with a circlet of blasting(after pretending to not know what it does)

(she had the best stats in the party)

Darkness - Buttercup’s dorky older brother

the only awesome moment of his I can remember rn is when he successfully hid behind the invisible ninja

Stefon - the very angry captain

originally a quiet military strategist from an old story I considered making into a comic, he somehow morphed into the most done character I have ever played, and a captain of a scavenger(?maybe smugglers?) airship

then again his crew were kinda useless. he spent most of the campaign telling them how not to mess up only for them to do exactly what he told them not to do

Antonio - the other kick-butt book nerd

a member of The Fools Guild, the entire first session all I did was show gifs of Legolas making disapproving faces anytime Antonio was supposed to react to something, or I said “he continues reading”

so he was a bit of a background character to the rest of the party

until he threw his book at a bugbear. and then pulled out another book and went back to reading

but then when the party were attacked by soldiers shortly after defeating the bugbears he was literally the only one to actually kill anyone. with the crossbow the fighter had left in the cart. it was a one-shot kill

he went back to reading as they ran away and returned to not doing much until the party had to compete in a tournament to win some magic object or something

he was paired with the party artist(sorceress, but she refused to admit that) in the 2 on 2 fights. first fight he won with just his books. second he won with the daggers hidden in his books. each fight he brought out another weapon he’d somehow hidden on his person and each fight his teammate only got like one hit in before he beat the opponents. he quickly became the tourney favorite(it didn’t hurt that the gay orc couple who were doing the announcing and commentating thought he was really cute)

Slythus - the ancient weapon of mass destruction

an old character who’s gonna be in my Eternity comic, I used him for a space-age villain campaign

possibly the only time I’ve ever had him flirt with anyone ever, at all

there were lots of fun shenanigans in that campaign but there was a Main Player Character who the campaign revolved around and it was pretty obvious so his only great memorable moment was when one of the party members said “we’d need an ancient weapon of mass destruction” and he responded “I am an ancient weapon of mass destruction!”

Mane - the one made for D&D character

orc barbarian who acted more like a monk than the actual party - his introduction was stopping a barfight cause he may be a barbarian but he doesn’t like fights

best moment: when the other party members had all failed to get this locked door open and told him “it’s all yours” and so he just ripped it off it’s hinges and carried it around on his back the rest of the campaign, I think he used it as a shield at some point

he also kept an empty treasure chest they’d found cause he cared more about having a treasure chest than the treasure

sorry for the super long response, as a writer, D&D player, and lifelong role-player I’m very passionate about my characters