#i go insane for conflicts that can never have a clear resolution

[unohanadaydreams]

Finding out about the origins of Soul Society as we know it from CFYOW has made me insane. It like 70% of all my Bleach thoughts lately. (under the cut is just pure, unrestrained rambling)

I am lusting for a universe in which they just dropped the reveal in TYBW.

The fact that the singular world being suited to Quincy and the altered three worlds being suited to Shinigami sets up the shinigami to be this ultra-paranoid, insular power that sets genocide upon any race not their own in fear that their secret will get out and some new race (Vizards. Arrancar. Fullbringer.) will over take them and remake the worlds in THEIR image..... (unless of course they agree to be loyal to the Seireitei. But still only AFTER they try to kill them first, usually.) Let alone how they treat Quincy, who a reverted world would suit completely.

The hints they drop about the world being singular & belonging more to the Quincy are THERE. Even my dumb ass picked that up in my re-read I posted snippets of. But it is just so sad they couldn’t have the reveal be where it was most relevant--in the literal war between Shinigami and Quincy. Between the world as we were introduced and the world as it was created.

I also started re-reading the TYBW arc (again.....)  and even the Shutara scale is an inversion to hint that reaching singularity/understanding/Nirvana among all beings is disastrous for Shinigami. (Which strongly hints Shutara was brought to the Royal Guard for coming to understanding of just what she was protecting with her invention). I think maybe I posted about that before but I can’t remember. Other stuff like Komamura’s grandfather? I know I did. Because it still makes me incredibly feral and it’s so well set up but we NEVER GET THE PAY OFF.

The way this fully builds up the conflict of Shinigami vs Quincy to be a battle of who gets to benefit the world by winning the right to alter it to reflect their powers and who gets to be hunted down en masse.....Like what a bleak fucking conflict. What a fitting reveal for that arc.

I honestly prefer this reveal to most of the ‘don’t you realize revenge has consequences’ stand stills that took its place.  I think a system that’s endured and flourished by successfully remaking the world in their image and killing anything that they think could even possibly threaten them (including their own kind!) doesn’t get to say ‘): if you get revenge on me you’re not really winning, actually it makes YOU bad too. worse than me, even.’

Seireitei is a society created and kept in fear for a reason and at some point you have to put down the ‘revenge is bad’ and just show me the fucked up stuff that earned such an enduring vow of revenge from someone like Yhwach. Literally, he has been fighting the Seireitei for well over a thousand years. He is retribution incarnate. And those who know are TERRIFIED of him.

 And I find the ideas of ‘who is more Just--someone with everything to lose and afraid to lose it or someone with nothing to lose and unafraid to lose it?’ and ‘who is more Deserving--someone who can protect or someone who failed to protect?’ and ‘What is Sin--that which is admitted or that which is hidden?’  a lot more interesting and entertaining.

I just think its all so neat. Like, I think its horrifying for the main cast, especially the Karakura gang because the Hell Arc definitely seems like it plans on exploring the idea of that ‘original sin’ committed by Shinigami--for creating their own afterlife and forsaking the original Hell. Continually paying for the sin of thinking they could create the Pure Land and bungling it so, so bad.

[absolutebl]

This Week In BL - GMMTV Holds the Line

Feb 2023 Wk 1

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

When they say “famous last words” this is what they mean. 

Ongoing Series - Thai

My School President (Fri YT) ep 10 of 12 - They are so stinkn’ CUTE as bfs. Possibly the cutest. I chuckle a lot with this show. And that’s great, very serotonin inducing. Also 2nd half had good soapy drama tension with the music competition + the mom’s surgery at the SAME TIME (gasp). Can’t wait for next week.

Moonlight Chicken (Weds YT) 1-2 of 8 - Oh it’s great. Messy gays struggling with both internal and external conflict. It has a Taiwanese gritty queer authenticity to it. EarthMix are perfect for these roles. Khaotung is the most adorable thing ever. And GeminiFourth are fun to see as new characters. Fourth is showing off his acting chops, the way he holds his jaw and mouth for this more sullen complicated part - it’s completely different from Gun. His acting style reminds me of Nanon a bit, he’s very nuanced in his facial expressions.   

Never Let Me Go (Tues YT) ep 9 of 12 - 15 minutes of cute bf and dumb tattoos and then SUFFER! I love how quickly Palm put to rest your bog standard gay boy fantasies about a bisexual’s options. Palm was basically: “All the things that you dream for me with a woman, I can do that with you.” Honestly? I wasn’t that moved by the noble sacrifice of this episode. It was fine. More peril please. Looking forward to things going very very badly for the next couple of episodes. Bring on the pain GMMTV. 

Hit Bite Love (Sat YouTube) ep 3 of 6 - Baby Dom is quite the kink dilettante, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a kinkster with more varied tastes. Maybe baby just hasn’t found his true fetish yet? I feel for poor Shogun who just wants a boyfriend who treats him decently and ends up with Mr. Experimental. The humorous outcome is, of course, predictable. Not wild about the stepbrothers storyline (despite my taboo preferences). Really? I just want more King and Burger.

609 Bedtime Story (Fri WeTV) ep 11fin - With the exception of Mum, every character suddenly started acting totally OUT of character. Anygay, Mum comes back to find Dew single and all obstacles to their romance magically cleared. The pub staff setting them up was cute. But all in all it felt like we were suddenly in a completely different show. Series review below. 

I cannot believe we have 3 BL’s airing AT THE SAME TIME from GMMTV. It’s insane. I remember when it was exciting because we had 3 BLs airing at the same time at all.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

HIStory 5: Love in the Future (Taiwan Weds Viki) ep 7 of 10 (or 13&14 of 20) - It’s an office romance BL, so I like that office politics is complicating matters for both of our couples. I personally don’t believe in scions (with very few exceptions, we know it tends to be bad for a corporation, and that has certainly been my experience). Still, it’s suitably traumatic to see our couples in angst over the power transition. The confession scene for the leads was very sweet. And a nice kiss. And cute bf. Taiwan always just does these beats better than anyone else. 

Candy Color Paradox AKA Ameiro Paradox (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 8 fin - K needed to realize O is a big boy. Yes we get it. Bummer he couldn’t figure out that for himself and had to be told by somebody else. I do feel sorry for the bartender character who keeps having to deal with all of these gay boys and their inability to communicate and resulting overdramatic depression. Meanwhile O needed to realize K needs him. And they both needed to learn to communicate, these… journalists. Good kiss and decent sex scenes for a JBL, with an HEA. Careful Japan we may start to develop expectations. I bumped up my rating on the strength of this finale. It was good! Series review below.  

Individual Circumstances (Thurs Viki) 7-8fin - I like the resolution and explanation for the conflict, a lot more than I liked the conflict itself. The kiss wasn’t awesome, but it wasn’t entirely dead fish either. However, Korea has proved that it can do better, so I was annoyed by it. Also, no shirtless scene this time around, we were robbed. Series review below.

The End Of The World, With You AKA Bokura no Micro na Shuumatsu (Japan Sun Gaga ep 2 of 8 - This is way too high heat for them to end it happily. It’s all v weird. I guess I’ll keep watching? Even if everyone dies, this one is not gonna ruin me the way Eternal Yesterday almost did.

It’s Airing But I’m Not Watching it 

My Beautiful Man S2 (Viki & Gaga) - Because there are only 4 episodes, I decided to wait and binge this one. What can I say? I just do not trust Japan. Sorry I’m too scared, those of you braver than I must watch first - I salute you and look forward to the gifs.

Egoist (Japan) cinema - Japanese movies are notoriously difficult to get ahold of.

Marry My Dead Body AKA Ghost and I Becoming Family (Taiwan) - movie about a police officer forced to marry a ghost.

Cafe in Love - Can’t find it 

Finished this week

609 Bedtime Story 

An interesting time slip concept and a great set up ultimately disappointed. It opened strong, on one of my favorite under appreciated Thai actors: Plustor (as Vee) in a side bartender romance with younger bisexual king, Games. Unfortunately, it went downhill from there. OhmFluke’s solid chemistry and romantically soft kisses were ill served by a reformed rake meets rich-kid cheater pairing. While it was nice to see Ohm play a part with more animated facial expressions, his was the only character that remained consistent. All in all, this was a confusing show about disloyalty and parallel worlds that never made sense or stayed true to its characters. A promising start, confusing middle, and disappointing end. I don’t say this lightly, but Oh My Sunshine Night is better, and OhmFuke deserve better than either. 6/10

Individual Circumstances 

A second chance romance between a movie director who was once promising and a writer who disappeared due to past hurt. Stars JunQ (main rapper of MYNAME) and Han Jung Wan (Mr International Korea winner). Reunion romances are not my thing but I liked the bratty director despite his stalking (and prob because of his naked chest). Using a guitar to torture someone is entirely appropriate, in my book/BL world it happens all too often. I did want to know what happened in the past but the mystery got drawn out too much and the tsundere character became frustratingly mean spirited as a result. I like the resolution and explanation for the conflict a lot more than I liked the conflict itself. I could tell what this show wanted to be, and what it could’ve been, but it simply never got there. In the end, like a host of other KBLs over the last couple of years, it is serviceable but eminently forgettable. 7/10

Candy Color Paradox AKA Ameiro Paradox 

Innocent but talented gay tabloid journalist partners (and falls in love with) a jaded player bisexual cameraman. This is a solid JBL of the more emo, cringe, and navel gazing variety that never really resonates with me. The main pairs’ chemistry felt weak and their characters were pat (for live action yaoi, I’ve seen or read this couple a million times). Bringing Izuka Kenta in to guest star was a stroke of genius and also challenging, because he has a complex history with JBL which I could not forget as I watched him EAT up the screen so hard he made the leads feel insipid. There were a lot of aspects of this show that felt more KBL than JBL. I missed the kinky edgy pushing boundaries we usually get from Japanese office romances. It did have a stellar ending (featuring a decent kiss and 2 nice sex scenes, you go Japan) but for me CCP was fine, just no more than fine. 8/10

Look you know how I feel about JBL, when it’s good it’s some of my absolute favorite (Seven Days, Old Fashion Cupcake, Minato’s Laundromat, Takara & Amagi), nothing else whips me into wit and eloquence and film crit like it, but when it’s off, for me, it’s really off. And Ameiro never gelled with me. It was too much work to watch. I don’t like chewy BL - nourishing and necessary though it may be for others. 

Gossip

Issues and Controversies of Thai BL Actors - I get asked about these a lot, so I’m just gonna point you all at this YT henceforth.

Viki picked up Boys Planet so I’m watching it. I have FEELS but I’m not going to ruin a perfectly decent BL blog with Kpop reality TV, no matter how pretty. Just know I’m over here suffering for 4 hours every week. SUFFERING. Some of the singing during the first ep alone was SO BAD it put Thai BL boyfriends to shame. I am so glad they got 3 vocal coaches in this show. People better vote with their goddamn ears and not just (as they did with iLand) much lower down. (Oo, I’m salty already.) 

In Case You Missed It

Feb releases list is here.

2023 forthcoming BL master post. (see comments some are inaccurate, NOT UPDATED)

Next Week Looks Like This:

I am so spoiled these days, now I’m upset there isn’t a good KBL airing right now. Do you remember when we barely got one or two a year? What a demanding monster 2022 turned me into. Anygay, 4 more Thai BL starting this week... 

Destiny Seeker (Tues WeTV ) 1 of ? - Feb 14 we think, MDL is janky on this one. Engineering student Songkram is head of dorm 3, for "strong & athletic" students. Aye is head of dorm 2, for the "good looking" students. Aye used to be Songkram's tutor and friend, but they fell apart after becoming dorm heads. Aye is actually in love with Songkram but thinks Sonkram likes someone else. Songkram actually likes Aye. So, Bad Buddy the pulp rebirth meets that weird Japanese “girls-crossdressing-as-boys for love and infiltrating secret society of hotness” tradition. 

Boyband (Thurs YT) 1 of 10 - Feb 16, it’s on the tin, BL drama about putting an idol boyband together. AKA how to make ABL suffer by combing favorite (celebrity romances, Kpop) and least favorite (bad singing) tropes.

Bed Friend (Sat YT & iQIYI uncut) 1 of 8 - Feb 18, but we’re looking for the rerun/uncut, so not sure on drop date for those. Fuck buddies get messy, AKA Between Us the second cuming, this time in an office (and on a desk). I have been waiting for James to hold down (or be held down in) a BL for years! Watch out, new kings of high heat are heading our way. 

Chains of Heart (Sat Gaga) 1 of 10 - Feb 18 Suspense thriller about a forest ranger, smugglers, memory loss, and lost love. Stars Haii (Cirrus in TT2) and Poppy (Porpla in YYY). Adapted from a Y-novel of the same name by TJ Tommy. 

Supposedly, but I’ve no idea where to watch it:

Jack Frost (Japan) - Feb 17 After saying goodbye to his friend, Ritsu had an accident and lost his memory. His roommate, Ikuya, struggles to rebuild their relationship and help him regain his memories. In the process, Ritsu falls in love with Ikuya, but he was unaware that they were already in a relationship.

Moments Of Love (Thai) Feb 14 Foremorfilm Production movie for cinema release. Was originally Golf (Director of 609 Bedtime Story & The Eclipse) to direct stars SmartJames (LeonPhob from Don't Say No) in a series. Is now something totally different and a movie. We are all confused.

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Open boys are the best boys. Never Let Me Go

Moonlight Chicken with ALL the zingers, plus verse characters. Thank you GMMTV! 

Why so cute indeed. My School President 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? Villain by Key (Shinee) just on hard rotation. It’s great. 

[encasedinobsidian]

Thoughts on writing - June 16 

I don’t expect anyone to read this, but I meant for this tumblr to be specifically for my writing after all, so I figure this is the place to put these thoughts, and anyone is welcome to read them if interested. I’m just reflecting on myself as a writer, how I relate to this hobby, and about feeling discouraged/lacking in meaning, and trying to figure out where to go with it when there are no clear paths ahead. 

I feel like I vent to my friends often but never really try to articulate my thoughts the way I do when I actually write, so maybe writing about writing will help me sort it out for myself. 

I never meant for writing to become much of anything at all. I started writing a fanfic, thought it was funny, and my intention was to post it and move on like I always move on from any other hobby, following the same pattern of interest → hyperfixation → creating something → getting bored → discovering something new. I had no experience with writing or fandom, and it was thanks to a tiktok on my FYP that I even discovered Pedro boy fanfic in the first place, though I found it insanely weird at first. My eventual amusement obviously turned into something much more significant, and I’ve found a lot of personal healing through writing, discovered different sides of myself, developed the ability to sustain the attention needed to read a full length book, etc. I guess the difficulty is knowing where to go with it. 

It’s funny - I frequently find myself thinking this sucks, why am I doing this, nothing interesting will come of this, my brain is empty, fuck this, about writing. And I say those things but then I write anyway. I say I’m done with it and thanks for the past 15 months, I’m out, and then a few hours later I’m on my doc coming up with something. I can’t really stop at this point, it’s like my internal monologue got a physical manifestation and now it’s something I just do. At any given time, I can open my docs and add something to some story, regardless of where I am. It’s like a reflex at this point, and I have no control over it. I put my hands on the keyboard and things just come out one way or another. 

I frequently feel like I’ve reached the end of my own ability, though, or the end of what I’m capable of creating. I was never an avid reader, so there’s a foundational understanding of storytelling that I largely feel like I don’t have. I’ve read more in 2024 than I have in my whole life, actually finishing books instead of reading the first quarter over and over, so I essentially feel a bit dumb or lacking in knowledge about what makes a story interesting. I really, truly have no idea what I’m doing, I don’t know any conventions I’m supposed to follow. I pretty much know the concept of “showing not telling” and that’s it. I also know the typical series buildup of the angst peaking, conflict, resolution, which I'm now trying not to do so I don't repeat myself too much across series. I’ve also read a lot of things (both books and fics) that I very much enjoy but that don’t match my inner voice at all really, and ended up feeling less than as a writer because certain styles of writing don’t come naturally to me. Reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis was the first time I read something and thought, wow, this actually reads very naturally to me, especially after a year of feeling like my inner voice is wrong or oversimplified or dumbed down. 

And even though we all write for ourselves, we are all affected by our audience. I’ve been sort of brutal in unintentionally cutting down my own audience by moving platforms and no longer writing the things that gained me my following in the first place, and I guess I’ve done it as part of my constant, neverending, extreme need for authenticity of some sort, and a hatred for being boxed in or expected to do things I don’t want to do. Truthfully, I don’t know what my audience wants from me, and even if I knew, I probably wouldn’t be able to cater to it. If I put out a poll and asked what people wanted to see from me, the overwhelming majority would likely say Joel Miller with no real specifics on what type of story they’d want to see, or they’d want my rendition of something they’re already familiar with. And there’s nothing wrong with that at all, I’m very flattered by everyone enjoying my takes on that man, but I guess I’m in this place where I’ve spent so much goddamn time on writing and I need to figure out who I am as a writer completely outside of that. 

One of my writing colleagues said that I’m very mercurial, and I’d never thought much about that word at all despite how well it describes how I’ve been my entire life. I can never seen to make up my mind on things, and I’m frequently changing, removing stuff, my writing style changes as I deepen my understanding of the story, my characters etc, as I take more things into consideration and expand my own view. 

To put it in Patrick Bateman terms: this reflection…. Has meant…. Nothing. And it’s true - there is no real meaning to it, cause it’s me sitting here at 6pm, looking out my window and trying to find meaning and direction in a hobby that is a completely open landscape, and where it seems like publishing is the only real goal one can have. Either that or internet success. I don’t know, I’m not sure where I’m going with any of it and who will want to read it. I guess I have a fear that everyone who has ever followed me only wants me around as yet another source of endless Joel fic and that nobody really has an interest in my writing for what it is, or for the writer I am. I don’t try to be like anyone else - everyone sees things differently, and my fics are just a representation of how all these different scenarios look in my mind. My hope is that the people who enjoy my writing regardless of characters enjoy my writing because they enjoy my POV, or enjoy the attention paid to the things I emphasize. 

Maybe I’ll come up with something more concise next time, but this has been my writing journal entry for now !! 

[theregoesmylurkerstatus]

So... I have a lot of thoughts on the finale. I've deliberately kept my mouth shut, more or less, on the campaign overall because I'm a firm believer that you can't pass judgement -- at least not complete judgement -- on stories until they're over and done with.

Well, it's done! Kind of crazy. I've been watching Critical Role with almost insane consistency, viewing almost every single episode live, with maybe five-ish exceptions, since episode 19, and I've been blogging it for, what, two and a half years?

It's a weird feeling. It's been such a constant thing for me that I'm always gonna have love for it and remember with a lot of fondness.

...Which is in spite of the fact that I can now comfortably say I'm pretty eh on the ending. I know not being positive about something most of us have loved a lot for a very long time can sting a bit, but I personally think it also stings when people relentlessly crow over how good they think it is or want it to be, to the point where you feel you can't voice your absolutely valid upsets or dissatisfactions. So, here goes, if anyone's interested! I'd be curious to see other opinions, too!

I actually drafted a post talking about my overall frustrations with the campaign a whole two weeks ago, and then scrapped most of it when 140 blew me out of the water. I was really touched, and really happy. I hadn't expected it, but it shockingly felt right, you know?

Unfortunately 141 robbed me of most of that satisfaction and brought me right back to neutral.

The blanket statement you have to make, of course, is that you can’t criticise this as a DnD game, and you can’t be mad at the cast for playing it in a way they think is best for them. They’re the players, Matt’s the DM, and in the end it makes no sense for them to try to make themselves act how they think the audience wants them to, and I’m sure most of the audience wouldn’t like the result anyway.

That said, there is an audience. And that’s where I see this clash coming in. As a DnD game, as long as the players and DM have all enjoyed it and been satisfied, it’s a successful game! But for us, it’s not a DnD game. For us, we’re watching a story be written in real time through the medium of an RPG. And while as a DnD game you can’t fault it, as a piece of media, I completely get why the way things have gone has sat weirdly for a lot of people.

It's not satisfying to see so many character hooks dealt with so quickly or left as an offscreen "and then you do it." If they don't want to keep playing to dive into it, absolutely, but for us who have been watching this as a story with all these character elements get so built up, it's a huge anti-climax.

Which is a lot of what this campaign has been, really.

Oh, Nott’s cursed! But through a really cool character moment that problem is completely taken care of with no consequences we see. Yay, I want her to be Veth and that was an iconic move from Jester! Still, it kind of feels like this was built up to be a big problem and at the first success it was let go... Caleb's got a really intense frightening past he tries to hide, I wonder how the Mighty Nein will respond? Oh, they found out, but it's not a difficult revelation for anyone. Looks like it's easy for them to move past it and forgive. Yeah, that's healthiest for the characters, but huh, kinda undercuts it as a storyline or point of interest. Oooh, Avantika’s back! Ah, they’ve killed her and grabbed the eye again. I mean I don’t want them to die or for Uk’otoa to be free, but I’m starting to feel like that’s not much of a threat anyway. The Traveler’s been kidnapped! Nah he hasn’t, he tried to save Jester so he was let go with no further issue, and also he wasn’t actually in any danger anyway. Oh... Cool. So... Why should I care or be worried?

And these are just the biggest ones I remember being kind of let down by. I wanted to see them STRUGGLE for the successes to have meaning. To my view, threats of failure -- real failure -- really decreased the more the campaign went on, with a few exceptions.

Because don't get me wrong, we've definitely had struggles, and those have made for some of the best moments! Molly’s death, Yasha’s kidnapping, Yeza’s imprisonment. When failures that were threatened are allowed to occur, it’s far more gratifying when it’s followed by success, because you understand that that success was actually necessary. It shows us that what they do really means something.

Honestly, that's why the final battle really shut me up, because nothing makes you quite feel stakes and failure like having two PCs die, and having a resurrection ritual fail -- AND knowing that failure would be delivered on, had it not been for a seemingly miraculous roll of the dice to turn it around. One of the greatest failure's -- Molly's death -- made the success of his resurrection put a lot of my other issues to rest immediately, because to be honest? Molly's resurrection was the biggest success of the campaign, exactly because it was originally the biggest failure.

But this episode, we got to see the other side of making threats and successes feel disappointing -- when you get the impression that success was robbed from you. Again, their characters, their choices, but to have them roll an intervention to get Molly's soul, to convince Molly to come back with his own possessions they've so loved, after so long and so many struggles... only to apparently not get Molly at all?

Changed, of course. Memories, maybe he'd never get them back, though that seems inconsistent to how the initial resurrection was played and Matt's hints. It even makes sense that not having his memories and being a bit different, he might forge a new identity, but insisting Molly was a different person entirely after such a supposed hard won success to get Molly back, especially after what his death meant to the audience and potentially healing that old wound? It robs the narrative of a LOT of catharsis, at least for me and I know many others.

Trent, too, I'm very up and down on. He was so built up -- and what fun that build up had -- and I very much disagreed with the idea that the best story would be dealing with him offscreen.

It's true that you don’t need to explicitly address, confront, or explore every big aspect of character's story hooks and background ties for PCs to move past them and grow healthily. But that does not make it a satisfying viewing experience. People quietly healing in real life is healthy. People quietly healing in an explosive fantasy setting is frustrating for the audience.

What on earth is the point of a story if you don’t get to SEE THE ESTABLISHED CONFLICTS go anywhere? A lot of the characters got distant, quiet resolutions, if that, to everything we wanted to see.

Except, we did get to see Trent. It was a really fun, inventive battle, from opening to conclusion, but much like Travelercon, much like Nott's/Veth's problem with the hag, these were things that the audience in general wanted to see be really dug into and explored, and every single one of them got, in my opinion, quickly tidied up instead. Trent got beaten in the first and only proper battle they had with him, which, after all his build up, is pretty disappointing for a villain many of us wanted to see be a big deal. It really just felt like they were trying to tidy up to get on with the epilogue, which is not what a lot of us were looking for with Trent especially.

And that's how most of their endings felt to me. It didn't feel like any of them had reached a comfortable conclusion. Literally all of them, bar Veth and Caduceus, continued on their character journey threads, without each other and very quickly. Meeting Yasha's tribe and Vandran, Caleb finally openly debating changing time for his parents, Trent and Zeenoth's trials and the changing of the guard at the Assembly... All were things it would have been so fun to have all the PCs react to and explore together, and instead they were fleeting encounters in the latter half of a seven hour finale.

Is all this, from Molly not really coming back to Trent being a finale side plot to the Nein continuing on their individual journeys, potentially realistic to how these fantastical things might go down in real life? Sure! But that's not necessarily a good thing.

Stories THRIVE on conflict and resolution. That’s what makes them FUN! Conflict isn’t nearly so fun in real life and resolutions are often frustrating question marks, so no, past a certain point I don’t WANT stories to be realistic. I want stories to be SATISFYING.

And campaign 2 has fallen far short of the mark.

I haven’t spoken... Basically a word of this for most of the campaign, because as I said I’m a firm believer that you can’t necessarily judge something until it’s over, and because I ALSO firmly believe that being negative WHILE trying to enjoy something is counterproductive. I have had no interest in spoiling or naysaying the fun of the campaign for anyone, least of all myself.

But it's done now, and all I can say is... I really have had fun. I love the characters. I love their relationships. I’m pretty okay with where they’ve ended up. I’m not mad, really, and I’m still going to think of this campaign with a lot of affection. But it hasn’t been a satisfying story, even though for a week following episode 140 I thought, despite all the brushed over story threads, it might be.

So... to try and reclaim some of that satisfaction for myself, I might ignore some aspects of the finale proper. Namely Kingsley specifically. Taliesin's choice -- but to me, it's pretty clear that who we saw at the end of 140 was Molly, and the tags on my posts will reflect that, just as my 141 tags will be for both Kingsley and Molly, for clarity's sake. I personally want to believe Molly did come back, however others might want to interpret it. The victory in 140 that meant so much to me is hollow otherwise, and it just kind of hurts that we would lose Molly after everything. I was okay with him being dead -- I'm not so okay with his resurrection being stolen.

Kingsley will always be canon, but Molly is what I choose to acknowledge. I get if you don't like that take, and that's okay! I didn't care for canon's in the end. That's the good thing about storytelling, is that no one can stop you from making your own versions.

For the people who are hopefully hyped for campaign 3, heck yeah have fun! I’m on the fence. My investment, which... I think I can objectively say was pretty substantive as this blog will attest, doesn't feel rewarded, so I’m not convinced I can faithfully keep up for over three years all over again with a strong possibility that I will once again be left disappointed. It's been a huge chunk of my life, and... yeah!

I’ll take a break, probably, view (and liveblog, if people want!) campaign 1 when I’ve had a mental stretch and vacation, and then... I might start campaign 3. I definitely won’t be able to put the same time in it I did campaign 2 (my first love no matter what), knowing that it’s likely to not be so vindicated, in the end.

I swear I’m actually writing this in fairly good humour, but I totally get its always disappointing when the people you come to for fandom enjoyment just aren't sharing your fun. Honestly I’m half tempted to write all those frigging AUs I have sitting around! But I wanted to say my piece, and try and logically outline why this ending has been lacklustre for so many people, ultimately myself included.

Episode 140 felt right because it felt like a natural conclusion -- these disparate people coming together and finally being whole, finally soothing the hurt that MADE them so long ago. Episode 141 spat on that sentiment -- they all scattered to the winds, not as happy people to live out their dreams, but as confused people chasing up loose threads towards an unknown future, with the friend they thought returned still lost to them, ultimately.

It doesn't feel like the ending we should have gotten for the Mighty Nine, who were finally, finally all together. Until they weren't. So to me? I choose to acknowledge that they were, even if I have to force it to happen post-epilogue in my head.

[taexual]

i’d love you to stay but that’s simply insane // JJK (13)

   jungkook is an uncontrollable lead vocalist of the campus band, and you’re a goal-oriented top student that’s known his rich and complicated family since childhood. you don’t want anything to do with each other, until each other is exactly what you want to do.

pairing: jeon jungkook x reader

genre: college au

warnings: angst, years of longing escalating into something serious

words: 8.6k (send help)

   chapter thirteen

The lamp posts on the street illuminated Jungkook’s face with a warm yellow haze as the two of you walked back to your dormitory, the noise of the party – and the argument you’d had outside of it – already behind you. You didn’t dare to watch him for longer than just a split-second but you could feel his eyes on you when he thought you were too focused on the pavement to notice.

You hadn’t said a word to each other since you left the front yard of his house – and that was already two and a half blocks away – and both of you were busy worrying what the right way to say goodbye once you reached your dorm was. A wave didn’t feel enough but a hug seemed inappropriate after the intense conversation you’d had.

Clearing his throat, Jungkook volunteered to make your trip less awkward.

“Were you actually going to have me arrested?” he asked, recalling your previous threat with surprising clarity – probably because it had impressed him so much.

You sighed, recognizing the amusement on his features – no matter how hard he tried to play it off as simple curiosity – and then said, “no, probably not. That would have only ruined your whole plan and your future—”

“I already have a record,” he pointed out. He said it like that was supposed to make you feel better – it’s totally fine if you get me arrested, you know – but you almost stopped walking in surprise.

“Y-you do?” you asked, unable to fathom how a family as rich as his could not find a way to ensure their beloved son remained a flawless citizen.

“It’s not the first time I got into a fight,” he explained simply and, if you hadn’t known the truth, you’d have thought he really was just your usual troublemaker with no strong backing from his relatives whatsoever. “Some of those fights were more public than others.”

“And your dad—?”

“He took care of it to the best of his ability,” Jungkook admitted, sounding far less dignified than when he mentioned he had a record – as if that was something to be proud of. “But he can only do so much without staining his own reputation. It’s just a few misdemeanors anyway, so he decided it wasn’t worth it. If it proved to be a problem later on, he thought he could just blame it on my youth.”

You chose not to voice it – to avoid an argument that would certainly arise because that was just how Jungkook was – but you couldn’t help thinking that his father’s reasoning was actually different. Maybe he chose not to cover Jungkook’s previous arrest up to teach him a lesson.

“Does that bother you?” you asked instead.

“What?

“That he didn’t put enough work to cover this up.”

Jungkook looked down. All of your questions about his feelings, his wishes, his ambitions were so unusual to him that he didn’t even know what the proper way of answering them was, because you looked like you genuinely wanted to know. You didn’t ask just to be polite.

“No,” he ended up saying, “I didn’t want him to cover it up. And it’s not like I acted out to get his attention, or anything. He seemed really tired of it all when he had to deal with that. You know he’s usually the sort who gets his frustrations out vocally?”

“Yeah,” you said.

“Well, when he picked me up from the police station, he didn’t say a word,” Jungkook said. “It was like I’d unlocked a new level of disappointment – one I’d never seen before – where he was just quietly fuming. Or just… so disappointed, he couldn’t even begin to find words.”

You felt jittery. It was hard to walk when your legs kept trying to bounce nervously, hoping to rid you of the excessive anxiety.

“I never knew this,” you said.

Jungkook gave you a smile that wasn’t supposed to seem sad but, because it was purposefully meant to conceal his despair, sad was exactly what it seemed like.

“My mom didn’t tell yours,” he said.

“But they tell each other everything,” you felt the need to point out but you could feel your own naivety getting the best of you – even the people, who had no secrets, had secrets.

“Yeah, I know,” Jungkook replied. “But I don’t think my mom would have had it in her to brag to her best friend – with a straight-A student for a daughter – that her son got arrested. She may have been less obvious than my dad, but she was still just as disappointed.”

Your heart clenched uncomfortably when he mentioned your scholarly achievements and, for a brief moment, you almost felt bad for being such a good student when he was struggling to be a good person.

But you didn’t think now was the time to feel bad about yourself – especially since there wasn’t anything you should have felt bad about in the first place – and you eyed Jungkook carefully before finally daring to ask, “did they ever say they were disappointed in you?”

“They don’t have to say it, it’s plain and obvi—”

“No, but maybe that’s just you assuming things,” you interrupted. Your mind conjured up a thousand scenarios of how this conversation could have gone wrong, but your mouth kept moving, “you have that right. I mean, they have been disappointed in you plenty of times before. But maybe this time they weren’t. Maybe they were just scared for you.”

Jungkook looked at you and he wanted to believe that you were basing your speculations on some legitimate evidence that he’d missed, instead of just hoping that this was true. But he’s known his parents long enough to recognize their defeat.

“Why would they be scared?” he questioned rhetorically. “I know how to throw a punch.”

“Well, maybe that’s why,” you said.

“No, that’s not it,” he said firmly. “They don’t get scared when I get into fights. They get  frustrated, like how did I dare to do that? And then do that again. And again. Maybe they also get confused: I am their son and yet they can’t explain why I am this way.”

He said it like he was diseased – like lacking proper conflict-resolution skills and being impulsive was an illness he’d inherited from someone and, since no one else in his family was sick, that had to mean he didn’t belong there. He belonged somewhere else.

And every time he did something that did not fit into the frame of acceptable behavior in his family’s eyes, it just reminded them that he was the black sheep in a herd of white ones. How did he get here?

“It’s not just you,” you said, your heart hurting. No matter if his parents were really disappointed in him or if they were just worried for him, no child should ever feel like he didn’t belong at home. “Kids from close, loving families rarely grow up to be impulsive or, well, aggressive.”

He clenched his jaw after you said this and that was when you knew that, despite feeling shunned for not being the son his parents had wanted, Jungkook was still their son. They were still his parents.

“I was always like this,” he declared. “From the day I was born. You know that. The relationship with my family hardly changed anything.”

You wondered if he was aware he was defending his family – the family that constantly hurt him with their expectations – by shifting all blame to himself.

“They could have worked as a preventative measu—”

“How, exactly? Remember the time I gave three kids from my pre-school class bloody noses?” he said to prove his point. “Because one of them mocked my drawing of a giraffe and the other two laughed.”

“I-I remember—” you struggled to find a word, “that. It’s not an acceptable way to solve conflict. If they’d taught you that—”

“Acceptability is subjective,” he snapped.

“Uh, sure,” you said and then stopped to wonder if you had the right to draw these conclusions about him.

You thought that, if only Jungkook had gotten more love from the people who were most responsible to love him, he may have grown up to be different – but saying that out loud would have made you sound far too condescending and it would have made a normal person feel uneasy.

Someone who was as arrogant as Jungkook was bound to get riled up – he was already defensive enough as it was – and, maybe, rightfully so. He wasn’t telling you about his family to have you psychoanalyze him. He was just talking to you.

“I-I guess there are other factors that determine how a person chooses to react to something,” you said, threading more carefully now. “For example, you let your testosterone make your decisions for you.”

The sudden transition to biology confused him as he turned to look at you with furrowed eyebrows. “My testosterone?”

“Yeah,” you nodded. “It’s obviously your uncontrollable hormones that get you in these situations in the first place. You’re like a twelve-year-old boy, unsure what to do with himself, so you just go with whatever your instincts tell you.”

“Fourteen-year-old boy,” he corrected.

You shrugged. “What’s the difference?”

“The difference is I was fourteen when we stopped being friends.”

That only confused your further. “What does that have to do with—”

“Maybe you were the preventative measure that my family was supposed to be for me,” Jungkook said, the words pouring out as smoothly and elegantly as the floating of your skirt in the windy night. He chuckled humorlessly as he finished, “and then I lost that – the only positive influence in my life.”

You wanted to tell him that he never lost you. That he tried to rid himself of you, he tried to walk away – but he never lost you. No matter how much you wanted to detach yourself from him, to walk away, to move on – he never lost you.

And, more than that, you wanted to ask him why that happened – to demand why he walked away – but allowing him to shift the focus to your relationship would have been selfish. This wasn’t about you-and-him right now. This was about you and him.

Because you were here. You were always here. But Jungkook wasn’t – not always. Often, he fell out of touch with himself completely. And if there was no him, there could never be you-and-him.

“You… you need to be the positive influence in your life,” you said instead, advocating for independence when all you wanted was for him to let you hold his hand so he was steadier on his feet. “You can’t rely on others to get you out of the messes you create all the time.”

“I know,” Jungkook said but he no longer felt like discussing the reasons for his behavior, because every reason eventually led back to you – and when he thought of you, he couldn’t think of anything else. “But I never learned how to take care of myself, did I?”

“No, you never did,” you agreed and then, watching him smile appreciatively – you rarely ever agreed with him – you continued more playfully, “maybe it’s time you started learning, you big baby.”

He laughed and even the wind stopped to listen.

“Maybe,” he said then, the same pathetic hopeful tone that was in your voice before, now evident in his, “I do have you to help me again, don’t I?”

You do, you wanted to say, you’ve always had me. But you only smiled.

“I can’t be the one to handle your conflicts for you,” you said instead. “You have to learn how to do that yourself. How to do that responsibly. I can just… be there for you.”

And, much to the joy of your body that was aching to support him, he smiled and said, “that’s more than enough.”

“Okay,” you swallowed. You felt relieved suddenly – like the tension that surrounded you since you left the party had finally dissipated – and, paradoxically, nervous. Like you didn’t know how to act anymore.

Jungkook didn’t seem to notice that, however, as he teased, “support me even when I inevitably fuck up again, though, yeah?”

You raised your eyebrows, countering his lively pout.

“That’s not a very good attitude,” you said. “How do you expect to change if you’re setting yourself up for failure from the get-go?”

He shrugged. “By a miracle?”

“Jungkook.”

“Come on. I have you rooting for me. I won’t let you down,” he assured you and then, carelessly throwing his arm around your shoulders, added, “I am a great actor. I just have to start playing a responsible role.”

“It’s your father you’re supposed to prove your responsibility to, not me,” you reminded him – just like he’d reminded you a few days ago in your dorm room – although your skin was burning from his touch. “But I’m hoping that by pretending to be responsible, you’ll actually learn a thing or two and prove yourself to us both.”

Jungkook looked at you – his face so close and so welcoming – and said, in the most laid-back fashion that was possible for someone who’d just crossed half the campus while analyzing his childhood issues, “you’re very preachy when you’re drunk.”

It felt like you’d left the party years ago as you said, “I don’t feel drunk anymore.”

“Oh, well. That doesn’t surprise me then.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” he leaned his head against yours and the touch of your temples was electrifying -- like shock therapy that numbed every one of your senses except the ones that consumed his close presence. “I’ve missed your lectures.”

You doubted that but your voice didn’t sound convincing when you spoke – he probably wouldn’t have even heard you if he wasn’t so close, “have you, really?”

“Hmm,” he purred and your pulse nearly flat-lined. “I’ve missed everything about you.”

If you two weren’t walking so close to each other, if he didn’t have his arm around your shoulders, if his head wasn’t pressed against yours – then maybe his words wouldn’t have strummed the strings of your heart so terribly and so delightfully. Maybe you wouldn’t have forgotten all about the seven-year-long silence when you heard the song his words played for you.

But you were walking so close to each other – so close, in fact, that a passerby wouldn’t have been able to tell where your body ended and his began; you shared a silhouette.

And he did have his arm around your shoulders – pulling you closer to him while making sure you were steady on your feet even if his own balance was off.

And his head was pressed against yours – so gently and yet so naturally, it was as if there were magnets inside your skulls and they literally pulled you to one another.

And, thus, when you reached the door of your dorm room, you could not imagine yourself saying goodbye. You couldn’t imagine watching him walk away.

“Are you coming in?” you asked as Jungkook waited a few steps away, unsure how to behave now that the moment-at-the-end-of-the-night had arrived.

“I thought you said you felt like going to sleep,” he said perhaps a little awkwardly.

“I do,” you said and maybe you were still drunk without realizing it but you felt bold enough to add, “but I also feel like spending time with you in a place where... we don’t have to worry about what other people think. Not to mention, your wound needs to be taken a look at.”

“My wound?” his bruised cheekbones had completely escaped his mind. “Oh, that—it’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“At least, let me put a band-aid on it,” you asked.

“And cover up my beautiful face?” he scoffed, using his favorite strategy of dealing with problems – deflection. “No.”

You sighed. “It won’t be beautiful if it scars.”

“Are you kidding?” he still didn’t give in, bringing a hand down the side of his own face and clenching his teeth so you wouldn’t see him wince when he touched the wound. “It’ll make me look badass.”

“You’re a baby,” you declared and then ordered, “come inside.”

“Not if you’re going to be pulling your medical equipment out on me—”

Groaning, you cut him off with a reluctant – but irritated – promise, “I won’t. Now, come in.”

“Are you sure?” Jungkook checked again but he was already reaching for the door that you kept open for him.

“Yes,” you said.

He still hesitated. “Because you don’t have to—”

His uncertainty did terrible things to your boldness – it seemed to vanish with every moment that he did not enter your room.

“Look, if you’d rather get back to the party,” you said, “and drink some more of Taehyung’s painfully unbearable drinks, then, by all means, go—”

“No,” he cut in sharply – maybe too sharply – and then, just to be sure you understood why he cut you off, he said, “I’d rather be with you.”

“Well, come inside, then,” you said and, because you were nervous, you felt the need to add, “but I can’t promise to be more entertaining than absinthe.”

He snickered, finally walking past your doorway. “Oh, you have a far bigger effect on me than absinthe.”

He stopped to take his shoes off. You stopped to lock the door.

The hallway of your dorm-room was very small for two people but, locked away from the rest of the world, you suddenly felt like you were home. Like there was nothing to be nervous about here. Like you were back with your best friend that you’d known for decades.

“Ah,” you started to say because you were back with your best friend that you’d known for decades, “so it burns your throat when you get in contact with me and you feel sick every time you look at me?”

“That’s—” Jungkook paused, one sneaker off. He raised his eyes to look at you. “You really hate it that much, huh?”

“It’s a rational feeling,” you said, unbuckling the strap of your own shoes. “Absinthe is not meant to be enjoyable.”

“Well, if we’d stayed longer, you would have seen what my bandmates do with it,” Jungkook said. “It involves a cube of sugar and a whole lot of cursing because their hands shake too much to do anything.”

He hadn’t realized just how hypnotizing it could be to watch someone take off their shoes so, when you finally placed your shoes on the floor, your feet aching from the torture you’d put them through tonight, he was still staring at your legs.

You cleared your throat, somewhat self-conscious now. “I’m, uh—I’m a little intrigued.”

This got him to lift his eyes to your face. “Oh? So… does that mean there’s a little possibility you’ll go to the party with me again next week?”

“Next week,” you repeated, realizing that this was Parental Advisory’s routine: parties every Friday, hangovers every Saturday. You turned around with a soft sigh and headed into the bedroom, plopping down on your bed. “I didn’t sign up for that.”

Jungkook chuckled, sitting down on the bed next to you.

“You don’t have to come,” he said, keeping respectful distance from you – because you weren’t walking across campus anymore, now you were on a bed – but still remaining close enough to hear your faint breathing. “I was just kidding. We can stay here.”

You looked at him. “No.”

“No?” he repeated, his voice breaking in surprise. “Okay, then. We don’t have to do anything togeth—”

“No, I just mean—you like that,” you clarified before his stomach could drop any lower. “You enjoy partying, hanging out with people, drinking, dancing, and all that. I don’t want you to give that up to hang out with me here.”

You were saying you didn’t want to bore him. You were saying you didn’t want him to overstep the boundaries of your fake relationship.

He’d never heard you say something so stupid before and he didn’t realize that it was his own words that got you to feel this uncertain.

“I’m not giving anything up,” he said because, apparently, even the smartest people sometimes needed to have it spelled out for them. “I do enjoy that but I also enjoy spending time with you.”

In your defense, it wasn’t spelling out that you needed. It was reassurance.

“We haven’t done that since we were… well, in middle school,” you pointed out and your last words were an incantation of a silence spell that prevented you from saying anything else for the next few minutes.

This time was no exception, as both of you shared a thoughtful moment, avoiding each other’s eyes, and then Jungkook clapped his palms on his knees, nodding his head in the direction of your laptop on the desk across the room.

The spell was broken. You weren’t going to speak of that day. Not today.

“Well, come on, then,” he said. “We have a lot of catching up to do, it’s been seven years. Show me the movies I’ve missed.”

“Lots of movies came out in seven years,” you replied but got up from the bed to get your computer nevertheless.

“Well,” Jungkook said, dramatically extending his arm to check the non-existent watch on his wrist. “We’ve got a long night ahead of us.”

You sat back down, smiling at his antics, and pulling up your Videos folder. You scanned it briefly, trying to pick one movie that would leave a long-lasting impression on him – even though you couldn’t explain why you wanted to impress him.

“Don’t think about it,” he suggested. “Just choose the first one. We’ll watch them all.”

You scoffed. “There’s not a chance in hell you’ll stay awake through more than one movie.”

“You want to bet?” he countered, knowing your taste in movies too well. “After the movie you’ll choose, I’m sure I won’t be able to sleep for a week.”

You rolled your eyes as you smiled – he’d never grown to like horror movies as much as you did – and teased, “don’t be a baby.”

“I can’t,” he pouted on purpose, hoping for more of your sympathy and not knowing that he already had all of it. “I scare easily.”

“You don’t,” you said. “You just get distracted all the time and everything catches you unprepared.”

“That’s the same thing,” he insisted.

Sighing as you finally settled on the movie, you gave him a look. “Just try not to fall asleep on me, okay?”

“Do you mean that literally or—”

“I mean it in every sense of the word,” you replied. “If you start snoring during my favorite part, I might not be able to forgive you.”

“So strict about snoring,” he said, a mocking grin on his lips.

“I am,” you replied, completely serious. “So, now that we’ve established that—”

“We established that in second grade,” he reminded you, “when you tried to suffocate me with a pillow during our sleepover.”

“I…” you started to say but the memory was too unexpected and overwhelming – and he didn’t remember it correctly. “I tried to get you to stop snoring!”

“By putting a pillow on my face!”

“Nothing else worked!”

“You could have kicked me!”

“I did!” you said. “Several times. My feet bruised.”

He rolled his eyes, adamant to prove your murderous tendencies. “Oh, please.”

You shook your head, the argument so pointless and unnecessary that you chose to opt for a compromise. “Let’s hope that doesn’t happen tonight, alright?”

“It won’t,” he assured you, “I stopped snoring after that incident. I guess, you could say I haven’t recovered from that trauma. I’m constantly afraid someone’s going to try to use a pillow on me—”

“I wasn’t trying to do that!” you said with a groan and when he opened his mouth to protest again, you cut in quickly, “drop this or I really will suffocate you with a pillow.”

He closed his mouth again and then nodded, impressed.

“Still very strict about snoring,” he corrected his earlier statement. “I’ll keep my breathing in check.”

You finger lingered on the mouse button, ready to play the movie you’d picked, but your mind lingered on the memory he’d brought back and all the other memories that came with it. It’s already been a long night, full of reminiscing, discussing, and analyzing. 

But you couldn’t resist it.

You’d wanted to know for so long – even if there was nothing to know and it was something that just happened as things sometimes did – that even the late hour couldn’t stop you.

You didn’t want closure. Seven years have gone by – you didn’t want it.

You needed it.

“Can I ask you something?” you started, swallowing slowly.

“Of course,” Jungkook said, unsure why your face had clouded all of a sudden.

“It’s been seven years,” you said and the thunderclouds started to make sense. “Why did you talk to me that night at the party?”

The question was so loaded, he probably wouldn’t have been able to answer it without reflecting on his entire life. But right now, after the night he’d had, you managed to catch him off guard and his mind was void of any answer that made sense.

“Because you were there,” he said because that was the simplest way of explaining it.

You needed more. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve…” he shifted his weight to his side until he was half-laying on your bed, his left shoulder pressed into the corner where your bed met the wall. His body was facing you but his eyes were on your hands, “I’ve wanted to talk to you for a very long time. Actually, since the day I told you we shouldn’t be talking anymore,” he paused here. He never learned how to talk about that without pausing. “Not a clever decision on my part.”

“Mm, no, not really,” you felt the bitterness in your voice as you said this but you didn’t try to justify it – and Jungkook didn’t need you to.

“Yeah,” he only nodded. “So, I don’t know. I saw an opportunity to talk to you again – and I was drunk, and sort of on a post-show high – so I took it.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it,” he confirmed but it sounded like only one half of an answer that you needed. Jungkook didn’t know how to explain the other half and he naively hoped he wouldn’t have to. “Timing, right?”

You weren’t sure if that was right. He could tell.

“You deserve a better answer,” he acknowledged, sighing heavily, “but I don’t want to lie and make up stories about how I’d been—I don’t know—bracing myself to talk to you for a long time, how I planned it all out, because that’s not true. I did want to talk to you, I’ve wanted to every day, but I probably never would have. Not if I wouldn’t have seen you right then and there, in front of me.”

“Why not?”

“I didn’t think I was in any position to seek you out,” he replied, “and, actually, I sort of got the feeling that you weren’t that excited to see me, either. Every time I saw you on campus, I’d blink, and you’d be on the other side of the street, already far away from me.”

Fair enough, you weren’t entirely blameless in this, either, you decided, and then admitted, “yeah. Maybe I was avoiding you a little.”

He chuckled. “I deserve that. I made the decision to… to stop talking to you and I knew I should have stuck with it.”

“Can I ask you something else, then?”

He knew what you were going to ask as he exhaled shakily and closed his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Why did you make that decision?” you asked, unafraid of the potentially childish connotations in your voice. You just needed to know. You’d waited for this long enough. “Why did you decide to stop being friends with me?”

Even though he hadn’t answered you yet, just getting the question out of your system felt so relieving, it was as if Sisyphus had dropped his boulder on your chest seven years ago and now, at long last, you’d rolled it off.

The boulder seemed to roll off onto Jungkook, however, as he tried to open his mouth to speak several times, but always ended up closing it again. He didn’t know where to begin.

“We… we were so different back then,” he finally said. He looked at you then and there was hope in his eyes – he wanted you to understand him without any words. “Remember?”

“From right now?” you asked. You weren’t willing to try to decipher the signals his eyes were sending you. Right now, you needed him to use his words.

“From each other,” he clarified. “You were always so focused on your studies and spent so much time working with the school staff when you were in the student council, you were essentially the de facto headmaster of our school.”

You snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Right. And I was… well, you knew me then. I haven’t changed much.”

“The troublemaker,” you said and then, almost automatically, tried to make light of the situation because he looked like he was having a hard time and you didn’t want that. “Good thing there are no more PTA meeting in college, huh?”

Jungkook laughed at this but his laughter lacked humor.

“Yeah,” he said, not sounding wistful in the slightest. He wouldn’t go back to high school even if someone paid him to do it. “There’s still the risk of expulsion even without them. That never goes away in any institution.”

“It’s what brings you to life, though,” you said, your previous discussion returning to your mind. “You love the adrenaline, the danger of doing something that might have long-lasting repercussions. You always have.”

“And you don’t,” he said sadly. “That’s why I felt like—I didn’t want to—I was bad for you.”

Your loud heartbeat momentarily halted your ability to comprehend his words. “Hmm?”

“You probably don’t know this, but,” he hesitated on the very edge of what he knew you needed to hear, “I’d overheard my parents talk about us once, after our middle school graduation.”

There it was again. The last day of your middle school.

Thankfully, this time, the silence spell didn’t linger and Jungkook continued. Actually, this time, the spell didn’t even work on him – now that he’d decided to answer your question – now that he’d found how to answer it – he couldn’t be silenced.

“And the only thing I remember from their conversation,” he said, “is my mom – who’s been on my side for as long as I could remember, standing up for me to my teachers even when they believed I was a lost cause – saying to my dad that she was afraid I was going to be the end of you.”

“What?” you asked, perplexed.

After spending almost every day with Jungkook – and his family, too – for years, you hadn’t even considered that they may have been talking about you when you weren’t there.

“She, um… she saw something between us that we didn’t, I guess,” Jungkook continued as his fingers absentmindedly toyed with the edge of your blanket, his eyes on the shredded fleece. “And she believed I would be the reason why you stopped working so hard. Why you lost your ambitions. She thought I’d turn you into someone entirely different.”

“But that’s—why would she—” all the questions you had tried to pour out of you at once.

“She saw how much we meant to each other and—”

“Yeah, but—” you cut him off and, closing your eyes for a moment to settle on just one of the many things you wished him to explain, you tried, “I mean, why couldn’t she have looked at it from a different perspective? I could have been the good influence that you needed in your life. Y-you said I was.”

“I thought you were. I still think you are. But, um…” Jungkook spoke to the fleece blanket because he couldn’t speak to you,  “she… she didn’t seem to think you had it in you to resist me.”

“Resist you?” you repeated, unexpectedly offended. But that only lasted for a second before you felt it necessary to disarm yourself and stop pretending. You were absolutely devoted to Jungkook when you were growing up. “Oh, fuck it,” you said. “She probably had a point.”

Jungkook was prepared to hear your offence. He was not prepared to hear that.

“She had?” he repeated, looking at you for the first time since he started talking.

You swallowed the ball in your throat. “Yeah.”

Shakily, Jungkook concluded, “so, I made the right choice, then.”

“By putting an end to our friendship?” you asked, suddenly aware of how cold your body seemed to be, your hands especially – and painfully so, too. Dancing with the ghosts of your past proved to be difficult. “Was that for my benefit, then?”

It wasn’t the disbelief in your voice that he focused on. It was the anger.

You’d moved on. He thought you moved on – you were still the same in almost every aspect that he remembered, but you were also so different: so mature, so determined, so certain.

And he was partially right – you clearly didn’t hold a very strong grudge. But he also felt ridiculous for assuming that, despite it being so long, you wouldn’t still be angry about this now.

You’d allowed him back into your life and blessed him by not asking him to explain himself for weeks before you finally gathered the courage to do it; it was natural for you to feel angry about something that you’d waited for for so long.

“That’s… well, it was supposed to be,” he explained and then felt the need to defend his decision by saying, “that’s how everyone seemed to see it. I didn’t want you to lose the best parts of yourself because of me. And I don’t doubt that your parents were also relieved when I was no longer such a prominent part of your life.”

You had considered the possibility that Jungkook ended your friendship per the request of his parents. But you had assumed they saw you as a threat to him – even if, in retrospective, that didn’t make a lot of sense; what threat could you have possibly posed to him or the company?

Instead, it was the other way around.

Looking down, you said, “my parents weren’t relieved.”

“They weren’t?” Jungkook repeated because he couldn’t find enough words of his own.

“No,” you confirmed, remembering the not-so-distant times when Jungkook’s name was a forbidden word at your dinner table. “Hardly any parent would feel relieved to see their child cry her eyes out for days.”

Admitting this made you feel vulnerable and it would have made you feel pathetic, too, if Jungkook didn’t immediately wince after you said this – not from pity, but from his own hurt.

“I’m sorry,” he said because he had to, and because he was. And then, even though he didn’t have to, he continued, “I didn’t handle that well, either. I broke my leg in a bike accident about three weeks after we last talked.”

You frowned, focusing all of your energy into your confusion so your wet eyelashes wouldn’t release the droplets of tears down your cheeks. “Was that—”

“That’s how I deal with my emotions,” he said with a nod, confirming your guess. “That is, I don’t. I get reckless and I do stupid shit. That’s the last time I ever saw Dad’s beloved Ducati. He sold it.”

“He sold the bike?” you asked. The bike had belonged to Jungkook’s father who was a casual collector of sports cars and motorcycles – much to the joy of his underage son – but Jungkook was never permitted to drive any of them, at least, not until he was “old enough” according to his father’s standard.

“On the same day they ‘scraped my body off the pavement.’ That’s how he put it,” Jungkook said. “I only got to ride it that one time. Clearly, I’m not a natural. But dad couldn’t believe I was stupid enough to get on a bike for the first time without a helmet or any help at all. He wasn’t even looking for reasons why I did it, he didn’t ask me anything. Just sold the bike, locked up the garage, and didn’t talk to me for a week after I returned from the hospital. Actually—t-that was the first major thing that lead to me moving out of their house later on.”

You replayed his words for a long time, thinking and trying to understand.

“Why did you ask me to put this act? To play a couple for your parents?” you asked when you thought you were ready for the final cross on the last T. “If they thought you were a bad influence on me, this—seeing us back together again, could have painted you in the wrong light again.”

He didn’t think so.

“It’s been so long,” he said, “and you’re arguably the best student in your year. You’re determined and driven. And you’d rather kick my ass to the curb than give in to me and what I want. You… you affect me in ways I could never affect you. Control me in ways I could never control you. And I mean that in a good way. You are a good influence on me. And my parents can see that now.”

Obviously, he wasn’t entirely aware of how much control he still had over you, but because now you knew that this was precisely the reason why you’d stopped being friends seven years ago, you chose not to bring it up.

“I… I don’t control you,” you said.

“You do,” he disagreed. “Maybe not intentionally—actually, probably not; I’d like to think that you didn’t want me to suffer—but you do. You want to stay inside of your room, watching movies – and I want that, too. You want me to come to class and I want that, too. You want me to change and I’m changing.”

“I just—I don’t want you to kill yourself with your recklessness. But I don’t want you to be different,” you said, looking down. “I’d... always liked you the way you were.”

Your broken-up confession couldn’t have warmed his heart more. And yet, he had to point out, “I was unbearable.”

You gave him a look that wasn’t threatening at all because your eyes were still glossy from the tears.

“I know,” you said.

He smiled in spite of himself. “And you still liked me that way?”

You nodded, not saying anything else because he already knew the answer to that—and every other—question.

“I’m sorry for these seven years,” Jungkook said then and maybe that wasn’t enough to cure the wounds the years had left but it was a start. “You had a future ahead of you and I didn’t. My parents could see that but there was little they could do. I had to understand and deal with the fact that I was going to fall off the rails sooner or later myself. I was fourteen and I had to understand that. And I did. I knew that. And I also knew I didn’t want to drag you down with me. You didn’t deserve that.”

You fell into silence again.

You knew you wouldn’t have walked away from him then – anything he’d have asked, you would have given him. Any cliff he would have jumped off of – you would have followed.

To realize that Jungkook didn’t let you go because he didn’t want to be your friend anymore, or because he got tired of you, or because he didn’t care about you anymore -- or because of any other reason you tried to find over the years -- but rather, he let you go because he knew you wouldn’t, was groundbreaking.

It didn’t fix the hurt, it didn’t make it better, and, perhaps, nothing would – the years have gone by and you couldn’t get them back – but now you knew that the end of your friendship was a sacrifice of sorts.

You were intertwined together – it was you-and-him, always you-and-him – and you were comfortable living this way, both of you were. But that wasn’t right. It wasn’t healthy.

Except, you weren’t the one who had her eyes opened seven years ago – if there was no you and him, there could never be you-and-him – and so Jungkook ended up having to break out of your comfort zone, to leave your sanctuary, and walk in a different direction. On a different road.

All so you could have a road for yourself.

“I’m…” you tried to say but the tears that had welled up in your eyes were now cascading down your face and Jungkook – alert as soon as he saw that you were crying – sat up straight. “I’m fine. It’s just been a long day. Thank you for telling me.”

“I… you’re welcome,” he said, wanting to reach out and wipe the tears away but watching you do it yourself. “Although, I wish I didn’t have to tell you anything. Not just because I don’t want you to think about my mom differently after this—she always wanted what’s best for you, we both did—but also because I… I wish there had been a different way. A way where we could have kept in touch and still remained individuals.”

“Maybe there was no such way at the time,” you said. “We’d been close from the day we were born. Maybe we needed to spend some time apart to learn how to be ourselves.”

“Maybe,” he agreed but he didn’t think that was fair. “We were too close.”

“We were,” you said and couldn’t help sniffling; the tears have started to block your breathing. “Sorry, I just—it didn’t have to be seven years. I-I mean, it doesn’t take that long for people to mature.”

“No. It didn’t have to be,” Jungkook said but the fact that he agreed with you didn’t bring you much joy because his words were sad. “I have no excuse for that.”

Knowing that you could have been setting yourself up for more heartache, you still dared to ask, “would you have talked to me sooner if I hadn’t been avoiding you?”

“Probably,” he said, afraid to look at you in case he’d lose control of himself at the sight of your tears. “I-I couldn’t resist myself. But would you have replied to me?”

You looked down, making it easier for another tear to trail down your cheek. “I did that night at the party.”

Jungkook bit his lip. “Would I have seen you again if I hadn’t crashed my car?”

You inhaled sharply, not liking that this was what it came to. “No. Probably not.”

“It didn’t have to be seven years,” he said again, nodding thoughtfully, “but I think that we… started to talk again right when we had to. When it was time.”

You didn’t like that, either. “That can’t be true.”

“We’ll never know what’s true,” he said, leaning in closer to you but still not daring to reach out and touch you. “But it’s been long enough.”

“It has been,” you said, nodding and, feeling more tears coming. You sniffled, throwing your head back to fight the crying, and excused your emotions again, “it’s been a long day. It’s been seven long years.”

It’s been a long life; but you didn’t think of your years as his best friend to be draining. If anything, these were the years that made you feel alive: both of your families so close, it was like you grew up with two sets of parents, and with a soulmate for a best friend.

It’s what happened next that was a task.

Life had been pouring out in every shade of color around you when you knew him, when you laughed with him. And when you didn’t, you had to physically strain yourself to see the world in anything other than black-and-white.

You’d worked so hard to get used to the darkness of your life that the explosion of the color spectrum when you finally got to laugh with him again was almost painful. You’d grown so accustomed to monochrome that seeing colors all over again felt scary. Dangerous. Potentially hurtful.

But now you knew he never meant to take the colors out of your life. By doing so, he ended up having to sacrifice his own brightness. His own light.

Maybe what hurt the most right now wasn’t the memory of the years that you’d spent without talking, but rather the pointlessness of it all because here you were again: together. Affecting each other in ways ordinary people should not have been allowed to affect one another.

“Come here,” Jungkook finally asked, extending his arms, but you shook your head, not wanting to admit to how big the hurricane cloud in your chest was. “Come here, please.”

The insistence of his tone wasn’t what got you to move closer in the end – it was the pain in his eyes.

This had hurt him, too. He was the one who had to find a different way so he wouldn’t have to end your friendship. He was the one who eventually failed and had to say goodbye – stone you so you’d run away. Wound you, so you wouldn’t come back.

It would have hurt your pride if you didn’t love him so much.

And he couldn’t find it in himself to say how much he wanted you to come back after he told you to leave; how much he agonized over your phone number – which he’d deleted off his phone only to realize that he knew it by heart – and how much he wished he was different—better—so he wouldn’t have to stay away from you. He couldn’t find the words.

So, he just held you – like it was the first and the last time he was ever going to hold you. And he hoped that this would be enough for you to know that he knew you loved him. He’d always known.

And he loved you, too.

“I’ve missed you. Everything about you,” he whispered, clutching your body tightly against his own and sinking his face into your hair. “So much.”

Your hair grew wet – you could feel the pain leave his heart in tears – and, even though you’d seen him cry before, you’d never cried with him. But it felt inevitable now – like everything you’d done together in the past few weeks was only the prologue and tonight you were turning the page, you were starting the first chapter of the rest of your lives.

It hurt because of how long the prologue was. It hurt because of the seven empty pages.

But it felt so relieving to reach the end. So freeing.

You wrapped your arms around him tighter because you were ready to work on letting go of the pain, and you were ready to move on, and you were so happy to have him with you. You didn’t know what awaited you after tonight but that scared you much less than all that you’d already survived.

“If history repeats itself,” you said, your nose stuffed from the crying, “we’ll find a different way, right?”

Jungkook considered pulling away when you said this but that didn’t seem right. Not holding you when he could, didn’t seem right.

“We will,” he said into your hair. “I’m not leaving again.”

And he meant it – in the long run, at least. Because this night was coming to an end.

Your laptop – and the movie you didn’t get to watch – was long abandoned as you and Jungkook sat on your bed, your legs crossed and hearts open, and you talked.

You talked and the seven empty pages filled. The filled with words, written in different fonts with different colors, but they filled.

You talked and your bodies grew tired even if your minds didn’t, so you lied down on your backs next to each other, the white concrete ceiling painting itself in the colors of all that you’d missed about each other.

You talked and the hours went by – minute by minute, morning was creeping up on you.

“It’s late,” Jungkook said when your room got so dark, he couldn’t make out which bits of skin, glistening in the pale light from the street lamps outside, were yours and which were his. But even so, he remained on his back next to you. “I should probably go home. Maybe we can watch a movie tomorrow? Or next week?”

“I… I don’t have plans tomorrow,” you said and you wanted this night to keep going so badly, that if you’d been Faust, your soul would have gone straight to hell: beautiful moment, do not pass away! “Will the party be over now?”

“No, probably not yet,” Jungkook replied, “won’t be the first time I’ll be woken up by someone drunkenly smashing a bottle or something,” he said and then, when you bit your lip, clearly concerned, he added, “it’s fine. I’m used to it.”

Then, because you were not Faust and the devil had not chained your soul to the pits of hell just yet, you found a way to stop the moment as you said, “you could stay here.”

“Hmm?” Jungkook turned his head to look at you, unsure if he understood your offer. “H-how do you mean?”

“Just… stay here,” you said with a shrug as if it was that simple. Your eyes remained on the ceiling. “The RA didn’t see you come in with me. And, usually, no one smashes anything in the middle of the night here.”

“Are you sure?” he asked again. He didn’t want to go – but just like he did before coming inside earlier tonight, he didn’t want to force you into something you weren’t ready for; God knew you’d already done so much for him.

But you assured him, “yeah. You didn’t want me walking home alone, well, maybe I don’t want you stumbling around at 3 AM, either. You’d already had one fight today.”

“It’s, uh,” he checked his phone, “four-thirty.”

You gave him a look.

“But your concern is understandable,” he added quickly, catching on, “I just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable with you here.”

“Okay,” he said, your gazes so intensely focused on each other, both of you were almost paralyzed as you lied side by side.

“Yeah?” you asked. “So, you’ll stay?”

“I’ll stay if you let me.”

You turned to your side, facing him. Your eyes never left his, just like his did not stray from yours. You even seemed to blink in unison.

“Stay,” you said. “I’m letting you.”

He turned to his side as well and, as his eyes fell to your lips – he could have touched them with his own if he dared to move a little bit closer – you knew you would have allowed him do a lot more than just stay here for a night.

But you’ve come a long way tonight, both literally – when you walked back here from the party – and figuratively – when you scratched the wounds until they bled because there was no other way for them to heal properly – and maybe that was enough for one night.

“Goodnight,” Jungkook whispered because you’d walked so much tonight but your road hadn’t ended yet. He didn’t dare to touch you.

“Goodnight,” you whispered back because just having him here with you after so long felt enough right now. You didn’t have to to touch him.

keep reading | masterlist

[robininthelabyrinth]

Lotus Pier was always loyal, aware in the way that objects only are after hundreds of years, and she expected to disappear after she was destroyed. Instead she wakes up, rebuilt in both place and spirit, stronger than ever, at the hands of a grieving Jiang Cheng.

The Lotus Pier always loved the bright spirits of the world, the free and unrestrained; she held them cupped in her hand like birds, ready to fly away, to go where their whim takes them, to return because they loved her. Her cultivators reflected that, shining bright, standing against the world and attempting the impossible.

But they were only humans, their lives short and too easily cut shorter; when the invading armies came to the Pier, she tried her best to help her people – help them fight, help them flee – but the enemy was already invited inside her gates.

There was nothing she could do.

Her walls were thrown open, her treasures taken, her children killed – her very core, layer upon layer of arrays painted by all the Jiang sect disciples through all the years, violated.

The Wens sought to make her their own, in their blunt, stupid, grasping way. They didn’t know what she was, of course. No one knew. Only the Sect Leader – each one learning about her from their predecessor at the moment of their accession, the secret as well as a set of vows, an oath of mutual loyalty, and those who refused the oath were killed at the very moment of their supposed triumph.

Her children were good to her. In return, she was good to them.

When the Wens tried to seize control of her, to make her nothing more than a fortress, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to disappear – to die, destroyed in both body and soul, rather than allow herself to be used by those who killed her children.

She did not expect that anyone would be able to reawaken her.

Who could? It was impossible. Only the Sect Leader knew her secrets – and he was dead, dead long before he could pass along his knowledge to his heir, and of course it wasn’t written down anywhere.

Awakening, therefore, came as a surprise.

It was even more of a surprise to realize that she was still herself, still the Lotus Pier of old; she had half-expected the Wen sect to have cracked open her arrays and found a way to make her obedient.

But no.

It was not the Wens.

It was a single man, little more than a half-grown boy, kneeling in the center of an array painted in his own heart’s blood, his chest still wet as the bandages slowly soaked through.

He was wearing her purple, embroidered with her lotuses.

“My name is Jiang Cheng,” he said, and her heart thrilled: of course he was a Jiang. Only her children would be brave enough to attempt something as insane as this. “Great Spirit, I come to you as a supplicant. I need your power to help me protect my home.”

He did not know who she was.

It amused her not to tell him – meaning only to hide it for a little, only at first, of course. He was a Jiang, and Sect Leader; they were bound together, the two of them, like the Nies and their sabers.

It was fun at first.

Jiang Cheng was rebuilding her body, each plank and each joint fitting together, the wood from the best of trees, the arrays hidden within the walls. He spoke to her about it, sometimes – it took him a while to get used to her dwelling inside of him, her presence at the back of his head, but in time he got used to it.

It didn’t seem as if he had anyone else to talk to.

He loved her, dearly. She could see it in the way his hands were soft over her, the way he worried over small details, the way he insisted everything had to be perfect.

He did not think she loved him.

She didn’t find that out until some time in: he was proud, her little Jiang, full of pride, but his shoulders were weighed down with grief and responsibility. He was not spontaneous, preferring rules that he could understand and implement – he had been a disappointment to someone once, and it had sunk into his bones. With a rule he could do the right thing and hope to please; without, he was on his own, and he had no faith in himself. He knew himself to be no genius, knew that all he had to offer was his hard work – and oh, he worked so hard. He tried, so hard.

And he thought that it meant nothing.

“Wei Wuxian knew the motto better than me,” he said once. “The impossible was easy for him, a snap of his fingers…impulsive, reckless, free. A proper Jiang. He always said he had a mother and a father, that all the rumors about my father being his were false, but how would he know? Was he there when he was conceived? Or maybe it’s just easy enough to understand, so easy that someone else’s son can do it, and only I fail to even grasp it.”

The Lotus Pier did not pay much attention to the bright sparks that drifted above her, certainly didn’t know them by name; she did not know who Wei Wuxian was. Still, her heart hurt to hear her Jiang speak about himself like that.

You did the impossible, she reminded him. You survived. You revived. You returned. You summoned me.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said. “I only did it because I’m the only one left. Anyone else would have done a better job than me, but there was only ever me.”

She argued with him, confused as to how the Jiang sect motto had been so perverted – it didn’t matter if he was stiff and stern, if he liked rules, if he liked winning, if he was grumpy and rude and prone to yelling, expressing affection through his scolding rather than warmth; it didn’t matter if his first thought each morning was of his obligations and what he needed to do, rather than what he wanted, that he put his sect first in his heart over all other matters; it didn’t matter that he needed to think about what was right and what was wrong rather than simply knowing immediately in his heart what he should do.

That was who he was, the boy he was born and the man he’d become. That was fine.

All she’d ever cared about was that they be resolute and determined, brave enough to do what must be done without flinching.

Her little Jiang Cheng – he did the impossible every day, all alone, and he never once realized it.

Eventually, she told him who she was.

He did not take it especially well. But then, she’d expected that – he was most sensitive to matters of deception, tender in only the way a boy who had been a little too trusting could be. She regretted that she’d hurt him, that she hadn’t realized that he wouldn’t enjoy her teasing the way some of his ancestors did – but in the end he had bound himself to her, body and soul, so it wasn’t as though all his storming around could really have an impact.

He did leave, for a while. When he came back, he had a small child asleep in his arms and a beatific expression of sheer joy.

“My sister’s child,” he explained, having apparently completely forgotten how she’d hurt him. He’d remember later, of course, in the dark of the night when he counted all his grievances, but right now he needed to tell someone and she was, very sadly, the only person he knew. “Jin Ling. When he’s older, I’ll introduce him to you.”

She reminded him that her presence was usually a secret kept to the Sect Leader.

“What good does that do? If I get killed, won’t you just disappear again? Besides, he deserves to meet you. He deserves everything I can give him, and more.”

It turned out the sister was dead, too. Dead, like his parents, like Wei Wuxian – he’d had an old grandmother who’d come to help for a while, but she hadn’t long survived burying her black-haired daughter.

He only had the child – and her.

Time passed quickly enough, and the Lotus Pier flourished under Jiang Cheng’s control. He indulged her just as he indulged his nephew, building her more bridges, more buildings, another pier or two; she was pleased by it, spoiled by it.

Used to it.

And then something came and nearly destroyed it all. Someone.

She wasn’t aware all the time, spending much of her time simply being the Pier, and so she only saw a small part of it – Jiang Cheng screaming (not new), sobbing (not especially new), and then running around like a maniac, begging for people to try to draw a sword from its sheath (new and a little disturbing).

He retreated to the room that held her core and collapsed on the array.

“It’s not mine,” he said, his face covered. “It’s all been him. Everything I’ve done – all his. Same as always. I’m always second to him –”

He said more than that, too. Not very intelligently, or coherently, but in time the story came out.

He gave you nothing but power. You did the rest. You were the one who build me back up from nothing, alone; not him, you. He left. You stayed.

“Just wait,” he said. “Just wait. He’ll come back, one day, and then you’ll see – he’s just like what you like best. Better than me. Everyone likes him better. Even Jin Ling – you’ll see.”

The Lotus Pier did not keep people by force: she let her birds fly free, following their hearts. She did not consider herself abandoned when people left, no matter how good or bad the reason. And yet…

“He loves him,” Jin Ling told her, curled up in his room. “Uncle loves Senior Wei so much. He gave up everything for him. Did he tell you?”

I live in his mind. I know.

“I don’t know why he won’t make up with him!”

Wei Wuxian followed his heart. Jiang Cheng followed his. Their paths conflicted; their hearts broke. Who is to say the path chosen by one, trying his best, is better than the other’s attempt to do the same?  

“But they’ll both be happier if they make up. Senior Wei is – I don’t know. I like him. It’d make Uncle happy to have him back. Even if only sometimes, if only for a little. I wish there was something I could do!”

Your uncle is competitive. Remind him that you love him best. It will help calm him.

It wasn’t clear to her what exactly Jin Ling did – it wasn’t at the Pier – but somehow Wei Wuxian came to visit, his husband in tow, a wary but hopeful expression on his face. They had dinner together, all of them. It was awkward and awful, Jiang Cheng alternating between snapping and biting his tongue, Wei Wuxian making light of things he shouldn’t and dismissing past pain, Lan Wangji looking as though he would rather be dead and Jin Ling with his head in his hands more often than not.

Bring him to see me.

“Absolutely not!” Jiang Cheng blurted out.

Wei Wuxian, who had been in the middle of complaining about eating nothing but vegetables at family feasts, stared.

“He wasn’t talking to you,” Jin Ling clarified, but that didn’t help; if anything, Wei Wuxian looked even more concerned.

He won’t understand. Bring him to me.

Jiang Cheng swallowed, his fingers clenching in fear; she has told him time and time again that she would never abandon him, couldn’t, but he still didn’t believe her.

Still – he loved her. He loved her best.

He stood up.

“Come with me,” he said.

“Where?” Lan Wangji asked, suspicious.

“The ancestral hall.”

“I thought you said I wasn’t allowed there,” Wei Wuxian said with a nervous laugh.

“I need to show you something,” Jiang Cheng said. “Just you. There’s – someone I want you to meet.”

[delicatelyherdreams]

Pragma(tic) 8: He Gets Found Out (and a Phone Call)

Pairing: Persephone!Bucky Barnes x Hades!Reader

Summary: In a world where the old gods never truly died, you must learn to navigate your way through the ups and downs of immortality. And if living forever wasn’t hard enough, an ancient evil is now threatening to break free after centuries of silence. And as if that still wasn’t hard enough for you, now a pesky and infuriatingly handsome god is trying to wedge his way into your life. Gods, work, love, and conflict—what more could a goddess need? [Hades & Persephone AU]

Word Count: 2343

Warnings: Language

Pragma(tic) Masterlist

Previous 7: Her Thoughts Conflict

Bucky was rudely awoken by something grainy and bulky hitting his nose and an angry voice demanding, “What the fuck are these?”

He reached up and wrapped his fingers around the object, his skin coming in contact with smooth, familiar leather. His stomach dropped and he opened his eyes to see the pouch of seeds (y/n) had given him and Sam and Steve glowering down at him, rage emitting off both their bodies. He didn’t even know what to say.

Steve’s glare was the most intense. “Those seeds, they’re not of the Mortal World, and they’re not from Olympus. There are six seeds in here. You’ve been going down to the Underworld, haven’t you?” 

Bucky stared at the seeds, his heart gripped with terror. He didn’t know if they knew how many seeds had been in the pouch before or if they’d known that he’d been down there six times over the last three months since he’d gotten them but at this point, it didn’t matter. They knew he had them. Bucky opened his mouth but his words would not obey him.

“Haven’t you?” Steve demanded.

Shit.

“Alright,” Bucky cried. “Yes, I’ve been going down there. But you don’t understand, I—”

Sam laughed bitterly. “You’ve gotta be kidding me. After all we’ve been through, man? We were sworn to protect you and to obey your mother’s one rule: never ever deal with the Underworld. And what do you do? You do it anyways! Do you realize how that makes Steve and me look? What if your mother came back while you were on one of your little excursions and we had no idea where you were? We’re supposed to know your location at all times; she’d kill us if we lost you. And if we lost you to the Underworld? Buck, this is serious!”

Bucky hung his head. He knew it was serious and he felt incredibly guilty for putting his best friends in the position they were in now, but he couldn’t make himself regret it one bit.

Steve’s eyes cut daggers coated with disappointment through Bucky’s skull. “Your mother has one absolute rule, Buck, and that is the only rule you decide to break. And then you don’t even tell us.” His voice broke and he huffed a sigh. “We probably would have supported you, man; you just had to tell us what was going on. We can’t help you if we don’t know what’s happening.”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky whispered. “I know I shouldn’t have kept it from you guys, but I just…” He shook his head. “When I went down there the first time, there was just… It was amazing. It felt more like a home than any field has ever been. You guys are going to think that I’m insane, but there’s just something about the place that makes me feel good. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know if I’ll ever know, but it’s amazing.” Bucky looked up at his friends, apologies unspoken filling his eyes but accompanied by a resolute firmness that was unshakable. “And I’m going to keep on going down there.”

“Bucky, I—”

“No, Steve. I’m sorry, but I refuse to stop going down there. You guys can try to keep me here all you want, but I’m going to find ways around you. I refuse to leave (y/n) and there’s nothing you can do about that.”

Sam frowned in confusion, his brows furrowing and his head moving backward as he looked down at his friend. “(y/n)? Who the hell is (y/n)?”

Bucky felt his ears redden and he bowed his head. “She’s… um…”

“Never mind her right now,” Steve said, waving them off. “Bucky, look at us.”

Bucky obeyed.

Steve smiled at him sympathetically, his eyes turning kind. “Look, Sam and I have already talked about this. We’ve known you’ve been going down there for a while, now—you reek of death every time you come back. We aren’t mad that you go down there and we aren’t going to stop you. We’re mad because you didn’t trust us enough to tell us so.”

Bucky looked at his friend, awe encompassing his face. “You’re serious? You’re not going to stop me?”

“Hades no. You’re a grown man, you can make your own decisions. We just need to know when you’re going so that way, if your mother comes looking for you, we can make you an alibi and she won’t get suspicious. But we need you to tell us because she might actually smite us if we lost you.”

Sam cleared his throat, the idea of an angry Winnifred leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. “Seriously, so long as you take a shower after you get back so you don’t reek and you don’t bring us back any souvenirs, we don’t care if you go down there. We care if it starts to get us in trouble and when we’re left in the dark.”

Bucky stared up at his best friends, completely astonished. “R-Really?”

“Yes. Keep going all you want, just give us a heads up.”

He couldn’t believe that they were okay with this. He’d been so afraid of being found out by them, but he’d never really had anything to fear. His face split into the widest grin ever. Clutching the bag of Asphodel seeds close to his chest, he smiled at his friends. “Thank you.”

“No problem, Buck,” Steve said sitting next to his friend. “Remember, we’re with you ‘til the end of the line and we’ll always be here to support you, no matter what stupid things you decide to do.”

Bucky laughed, but wrapped his arm around his friend’s shoulder pulling him in for a half-hug. “You’re the best; the both of you.”

Sam sat down next to him as well and smirked. “Oh, we know. Now, who’s (y/n)? Is she some spirit you found down there and fell in love with?”

Bucky’s ears reddened. “Well, not exactly.”

“Some spirit you befriended?”

“N-No, she’s—”

“And, what about Harriet?” Steve asked, his eyebrows shooting up as he scooted closer, eager to hear the story. “I thought she was the one you were sneaking off to see?”

“Will you two let me explain? Gods, you’d swear I was mute.” Bucky rolled his eyes and huffed like a child. 

Steve and Sam snapped their jaws shut and looked at him expectantly.

Bucky took a deep breath before starting. “Harriet does not exist. I made her up.”

“But I thought you just couldn’t get her out of your mind,” Steve said, his voice jumping an octave in a poor imitation of Bucky.

“There’s a different girl I can’t get out of my mind.”

“This ‘(y/n)?’”

Bucky nodded. 

Sam nodded. “So, who is she?”

This is where Bucky started to get nervous. How was he going to tell them that the girl who he thought about was the Queen of the Underworld? “Well… Um… You guys have actually met her before.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Bucky rubbed the back of his neck, trying so hard to figure out how to tell them who (y/n) was without them flipping their shit. “She’s… Er… She’s got unusual eyes, and you met her once… When she threw me out.”

“When she—” Sam’s eyes blew wide. “You’ve gotta be shitting me! (y/n) is Hades?”

Steve shared the same flabbergasted expression as his friend but he said nothing.

Bucky, however, was quick to her defense. “Guys, she’s not as bad as you think. She’s kind, she’s smart, she’s human. She’s probably the most amazing person I’ve ever met, immortal or otherwise. Sure, she’s cold and strict when you first meet her, but over these past few months I’ve learned a lot about her. She’s funny, she’s sarcastic, she’s complicated. There’s a lot that makes her her. And I think she gets a bad reputation because of where she lives and what she rules over. But she does her job well and is fair, kind, and just. (y/n) is amazing, and I don’t want you to think otherwise. I refuse to stop seeing her.”

Both his friends went silent for a bit, letting it sink in that their friend was mixed in with way more powerful beings than either of them had expected.

Bucky awaited their response anxiously, his confidence from defending her slowly crumbling away. He was scared. Although they were okay with letting him go down to the Underworld, they might have been less okay with him fraternizing with a goddess like her.

Time passed. It felt like hours, but it was only seconds.

Steve was the first to break the silence with a heavy sigh. Raising his head, he eyed his friend anxiously and asked, “So you’re fonduing with the goddess of the dead?”

Bucky choked. That was not the response he’d been expecting. “I’m what?”

“Fonduing. You know,” he gestured vaguely. “Is she your girlfriend? Are you guys doing the ‘do?’”

Sam barked with laughter. “Oh, my gods, Steve! Of course they aren’t!” Then, as if to confirm his allegations, he leaned towards Bucky and whispered, “You aren’t, right?”

“No! Oh my gods, (y/n) and I are just friends. We literally just got to friends. She kicked me out like five times before I even got to the friend status. I’m not going to screw that up.” Bucky smiled then when he thought about (y/n)—her reluctant smiles and her teasing nature. He was glad that he had befriended her.

Steve chuckled. “She sounds like she can carry her weight,” he mused. “Look, Buck, I’m still not crazy about you hanging around Hades, but I know I can’t stop you. So, just promise me you’ll be safe?”

“Always.” Bucky smiled and pocketed the leather bag of seeds. He was happy to have his friends’ support, and it was comforting to know that they wouldn’t stop him.

———

That night, Bucky lay in his meadow under the stars, staring up at the stars. Sam and Steve were already asleep, leaving Bucky alone with his thoughts.

Naturally those thoughts traveled to (y/n).

He wondered how she was doing right now. Was it nighttime in the Underworld? Was she asleep, or was she awake too? What could she be thinking about? Could she be thinking of him?

Bucky sighed heavily and turned onto his side. Why couldn’t he get her out of his head? Why did she occupy almost all of his waking hours? 

Because you care for her, and you just don’t know it.

Bucky wondered if that was even possible—to care so deeply about someone he knew so little about. Hell, he’d only known her for a short amount of time, but he knew that there was little he wouldn’t do for her. The Queen of the Underworld had him wrapped around her little finger and he was fine with it.

He wanted her to be happy, he wanted her to be safe, he wanted her to love and be loved.

He wondered if there was a special someone in her life, someone who could treat her like the queen she was. He hoped there was. He wanted her to experience that kind of happiness in life.

...Even if it meant it wasn’t with him.

For some reason, his heart ached at the thought of her with another. It felt like a knife was being driven through his chest and salt was being poured on the wound. It hurt him more than he expected, and so he decided to turn his thoughts away from the negative and focus on the positive.

He could see her whenever he wanted now with the seeds. And she was warming up to him! She’d told him he could go down the last time, maybe she’d invite him down the next time.

And then… Maybe he could invite her up here. He got the feeling that (y/n) rarely ever left her realm; maybe he could change that. She deserved a night on the town and Bucky would’ve been more than happy to show her around his favorite spots in the world.

A heavy sigh escaped his lips as he turned onto his side. The grass tickled his face and he closed his eyes as he sank into the peace. Maybe he could just go to sleep and call it all good.

But the silence surrounding him was broken by the sound of his phone ringing loudly in his pocket. It demanded his attention, screaming for him, calling him, begging to be seen. 

Bucky groaned loudly as he dug into the pockets of his pajama pants. Fishing his phone from there, he peered at the ridiculously bright screen. 

(y/n)’s caller ID was flashing on the screen, signaling that she was calling him. 

Bucky frowned, but answered the call anyway. “Hello?” he asked, his voice heavy with the sleep that never was.

The line was silent for a few seconds.

“Hello?” he called again, trying to get a response. His heart filled with worry. Why wasn’t she answering him?

“B-Bucky?”

He sat up straighter, suddenly wide awake.

She was scared; he could hear it in her voice. His protective instincts started to kick in and he clutched the phone tighter. “(y/n)? What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Her voice trembled as she struggled to say, “I-I…” She couldn’t seem to even form a sentence as she stuttered.

“It’s alright, Doll. I’m here now. Use your words. What’s wrong? What do you need?”

“I… I need you.”

Her voice was broken, but Bucky was up on his feet and moving towards a vacant corner of the meadow. Jeans and a button-up shirt that matched his eyes materialized over his pajamas and he pulled her bag of seeds out of his pocket. “I’m on my way,” he said, hanging up the phone, fishing out a seed and throwing it on the ground. A hole immediately opened up and he jumped in, falling down down down to the Underworld.

Next 9: The Past Comes Back to Haunt Her

[introversiontherapy]

The Meaning of Malgus

To say I’m a fan of Malgus is a severe understatement. To me, he is an obsession, a second job I do just for fun, I think about him right when I wake up and just before I fall asleep. I know I have a problem. With the newest update, I found myself thrown deeper into that hole. I am not ashamed to say that I cried while playing Secrets of the Enclave, it was a full-body cry that had no sound. I have NEVER cried like that for a fictional character before. I felt a little crazy, to be honest, and yes maybe hormones were somewhat at play, but it still makes me emotional whenever I think about his dialogue in the flashpoint.

I love writing for Malgus, which is kind of weird because most fanfic writers write for their OCs. When one writes for a character who is already established, it is not a mirror, there is a wall I can hide behind. I write for Malgus because I want to BE him. He embodies strength, resilience and bravery for me (he is also stupid and a coward). I connect with him on many levels because he is, at the core, a man, and we are nothing if not conflict.

I took some time to think about why I had such strong feelings after playing the latest update. I felt it in my marrow when Krovos pleaded for him to come back. He said the words “I will never return to the Empire!” those words fell with the gravity of a thousand galaxies, the boom of its impact shattered my heart. To quote the book “Deceived”, he says “I serve the Force. The Force is conflict. The Empire is conflict. The two are congruent.” For this man to go from saying that to saying he will never return, intense internal work must have beern involved. In Malgus 1.0’s mind, the Force and the Empire are of one entity. Now, it seems like there is a clear line separating the two. Or perhaps, the Empire is still conflict, just not one he wishes to participate in any longer.

He said movements are imprinted on the Enclave, especially if it is born of pain and anger. For a Sith to have said that, for his pain and anger to have been imprinted on a place that I equate to as an insane asylum, his emotions must have been catastrophic. I cried because, for someone this strong to have gone through such anguish, it speaks to me without words. I ached for him, felt sadness for him, shed tears and tasted salt, for a fictional character. His internal conflict of both strength and weakness is only one of the reasons why I am so drawn to him other than his outward appearance (only a select handful of people will understand his attractiveness). He cannot be a real person. Reality always disappoints.

So he has gone rogue, again. But he is not the betrayer he once was (in my mind, he never was). He is the true heart of the Empire, the essence of what it means to be Sith. He lives by the code like a monk, the vow of chastity in every sense, not just carnal, of one’s devotion to something bigger than just what you can see, forget the fact that he’s supposed to be the villain, his dedication to the Force is very admirable. Whatever they have planned for him, I want him to succeed this time. I want the devs to be brave enough for him to lead an entirely new generation of Sith, of loyal Imperials. He is the figurehead we need; resolute and steadfast. We need something this unwavering. The Empire of the status quo isn’t strong enough to counter a determined man with nothing to lose.

I don’t know the story to come but I do hope it’s something really big. He will gain the reputation he deserves through surmounting what so many think to be impossible (and not just coming back in what was basically a portable freezer). It would be an earned reputation befitting an icon.

[aotopmha]

I'm really starting to disagree with the reaction I see around Mikasa's indecisiveness.

At first I got it and I still get it a little bit - the phrasing is mostly used as a proxy for Mikasa getting little to do, but I also don't agree with the interpretations of her character that sometimes come out of those complaints.

Mikasa never was this super proactive Battle Goddess to me. She was always what you call a "reactive character".

Conflict came to her and she dealt with it, rather than jumping into everything herself.

Since she lost her first one, her purpose in life was to protect her family - people even now reduce it down to her just being protective of Eren, I and many others have always thought it's more complicated than that, but now I personally think there is even more to it than that.

At this point her not just being protective of Eren actually is also a pretty common perspective around, too.

I think it's about stuff past that - the specific way she cares and why.

The people around her are the ones who give her meaning and direction and thus she acts depending on how they do.

Where they go, she goes.

Her moment of proactivity in Trost was her way of releasing tension; a reaction to trauma, not her "taking action" and again and again I see this cited as some super cool moment.

She was actually falling apart on the inside and her ultimate resolve was still to go on living for those she loved - in that case, Eren's memory.

She is someone who unconditionally lives for others and to me the contradictions around the criticism of her character start here.

People want her to grow to be more independent, but because of the nature of her trauma, her journey to independence will inevitabily contain a period of indecisiveness.

That's just how this kind of trauma works.

Eren is a constant, her friends are a constant. Tearing her away from that safety will naturally lead to indecision and she will have to do work to find another reason to act that doesn't involve them.

If you are torn away from the people you live for, you are going to be indecisive.

People don't want the resolution to be that she just cuts herself away from her connections and kills Eren, either because that might come across as her story just being about suffering and going through pain over and over again.

But for her to grow more proactive and "learn to be more decisive" as Armin roughly puts it, she has to go through a separation.

She can't learn to be more proactive when she is in state of mind where her only purpose for living is living for others.

So it's a catch 22 situation, where the solution to both is separation, but separation will lead to indecisiveness.

Which is then called meekness and what people usually call "sexist writing" because it involves the female character growing passive, but these are actually two very different things.

Meekness is delibrate passiveness and not even wanting to do anything, indecision is confusion and not knowing what to do.

Mikasa wants to do something, she just doesn't know what to do.

"What should I do?" she asks.

"What could I have done to prevent this?" she asks.

Naturally, what is meant by meekness is also a lack of retorts. She doesn't go around disturbing or questioning the chain of command or escalating situations for the worse with her remarks post-timeskip anymore like she did with Rico and Ian during Trost, with Kitz Weilman (the "my speciality is slicing flesh" situation), Levi in the forest (she got his ankle sprained), the "I have no heart to spare" when chasing Eren or even standing against Levi in the serumbowl.

This kind of "meekness" is actually something basically everyone in this story is going through right now, but for some reason people just mostly keep pointing at Mikasa as if she's the only character that way, but I get it, cold and sharp-tongued Mikasa is probably better written for some because well, maybe it just has more personality for some.

Character development isn't good when it "takes away" stuff you like the character for in the first place and people like the sharp tongue of the single-minded teenage Mikasa.

I'm really happy this chapter actively made her indecision as part of her character, before I might've thought Isayama just didn't know what to do with her at points - I can definitely see that complaint for the Uprising arc, especially, but now it's clear her indecisiveness is the point and Mikasa has a new thing going that's not just about her relationship with Eren. She will have to find a purpose to act and goal to strive towards when everyone she personally cares about is gone and I think we might've just seen that purpose when she called out Eren for causing so much harm to others.

She would live so no child would have to suffer like she has and could live a happy life.

This chapter actually made me kind of tear up for her.

I'm not even sure I like Armin calling her out for not being The Independent Woman Who Needs No Man because everyone she cares about is being split apart from her and relationships with other people are everything to her. Taken in a certain way, it could be just read as "stop having feelings".

Sasha died and she was sitting by her grave, holding her head because of a headache, experiencing the same pain she did all over again as she did with her parents, Eren's parents, as with Eren back in Trost and Armin in Shiganshina.

But now that everyone she cares about is going their own direction, she is helpless.

So, as said, her arc is about her finding direction again and learning to stand on her own feet and I think she will.

That... or we'll go the negative character arc route and she'll go insane from loss and isolation, which I don't think feels like the direction the story is going.

Oh, but Levi is like her and he doesn't have such an extreme reaction!

Well yeah, but Levi's principles are different and his arc is different.

I'd even argue that Levi doesn't even have an arc - we just learn how his principles developed, which is prioritizing survival at all cost (which he learned to do in the underground city) and don't regret your decisions (which according to No Regrets is from Erwin). Maybe he softened up a little bit, but even then we saw he already had a "soft side" the moment he was introduced.

Levi could've developed a unhealthy relationship with Erwin given more time, but his childhood was never defined by trauma and living for other people. It was trying to stay alive. The youngest we saw him, he was malnourished and taken in by a serial killer. A different arc.

Here you could argue why Isayama just didn't make Levi the same character, in which case you could bring up the good old sexism word, but also that he wanted to write each character differently.

Mikasa is the only female or male character that values the relationships she has that much except for, well, at this point, Eren. Whose perspective is deeply ingrained in experiencing loss just like Mikasa's. He wants to genocide the whole world so his friends could live.

Mikasa's arc is specifically *about* the trauma of losing someone dear to you and what it can do to a person and why it does that.

Those she loves are Mikasa's safety blanket and now they're all basically gone.

Sasha is dead and Historia is isolated from this incident.

Armin is panicked and stuck in his mind between all the possibilities, so he runs off on his own to get something done in his mind - Connie, Annie. It's all swirling together in his mind, in panic, when Mikasa is looking for support.

Connie ran off on his own because of his own trauma.

Jean is probably the most grounded right now, but stuck with a lunatic extremist and paralysed into indecision himself.

Hange and Levi are also off somewhere else.

This is the first time Mikasa is truly standing on her own and isolated and it made me sad.

I guess you could call me sexist, but I feel like her not knowing what to do in this situation is pretty human and delibrately good writing.

It just makes sense to me and I don't see this apparent "meek" turn Mikasa's character has taken, when she has always been a reactive character.

The "no heart to spare" teenager Mikasa is the better character for some because her character gives the illusion of "agency" because of her assertive, sharp dialog, but she's never been to actively go and do something that doesn't involve what she cares about.

But it's kind of hard to do that when the people you actually say these things for either told you they hated you or are preoccupied with their own issues and scatter off on their own.

For who will you go on a suicidal rampage, use your "speciality to cut flesh" for and to which enemy will you "spare no heart" when you have nobody left to fight for?

Man, writing this made me sad. All Mikasa wants to do is to be with those she loves.

Once again my full chapter thoughts will be out once the CR version/other versions are out.

There was also some nice juicy Annie stuff, which I'm looking forward to digging into.

[thinkyoureholy]

Vox Populi [5]

[kind of a chill/domestic chapter, nothing too out there happens but some conflict resolution. if all my stories resolved shit as fast as these two then the characters wouldn’t have to suffer so much lolololol]

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Pairing : Park Seonghwa / [fem] Reader

Genre : Angst, Violence, Language, Fluff, Smut, Post Apocalypse/Dystopia! AU

Words : 4.3k

Previous Part. - Next Part.

⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙

-Seonghwa’s  P. O. V. -

We had all worked straight into the night, various members of our guard helping out as assistants to the small group of nurses and doctors we had. I was helping wherever I could or wherever I was needed. I had wanted to talk through everything with Y/N, from what happened back home to what happened when I arrived here but I haven’t really seen her around. We had a bit of a moment when I first saw her but I blew it by agreeing to her mother’s words. That’s a flaw of hers I wasn’t fond of. When I agreed with something she didn’t like she would get prissy about it but as much as that trait irritated me it made me love her even more. I loved her for all of her imperfections, those imperfections, though annoying at times, are what made me love her so much. I loved her fiery spirit. I loved how strong-willed she was. I loved how she stands up for what she believes in. I love how she sticks to her principles. I love her, everything about her, from her dazzling smile to the adorable pout she gives me when I tease her.

“My God, the look you have on your face right now is enough for me to gag.”

I snapped out of my stupor at the sound of his voice, my eyes taking in the grimace he wore, “Jealous?” I asked with a smirk playing at my lips.

He scoffed, taking a seat next to me and handing me a cup full of water, “As if. Love disgusts me and you just radiate the emotion whenever you have that look on your face. Tell me, is there ever a time when you’re not thinking about my captain?”

“Never.” I answered without hesitation, my smirk turning into a full blown grin.

He audibly gagged at the sight of my smile, covering his mouth dramatically, “Disgusting.”

I chuckled at his actions, nudging him softly with my shoulder, “You can’t say love is disgusting if you yourself are in fact, in love. And with someone just as infuriating might I add.”

He shuddered playfully but failed to hide the smile that had the ends of his lips curling upwards, “Ugh, don’t even mention it. I can’t believe it either. And with Fernandez too! I’m surprised I haven’t gone insane yet.” 

“Judging by your behavior I’d have to say you’re already pretty insane.” I said in a soft voice, knowing how he felt.

Yunho and Lucia had known each other roughly for the same amount of time Y/N and I had known each other but they got together later than we did. Those two would butt heads constantly. They were like fire and ice, Yunho’s personality burned so hot it was overwhelming at times and Lucia was so cold at times I felt like I needed to atone for every sin I’ve ever committed just from looking into her eyes.

“She keeps me on my toes, I can tell you that.” He chuckled softly, the grin he was trying to hide earlier on full display now, “Sucks that she outranks me though, uses that to shut me up sometimes. Anyway! Enough about me. You had this lovestruck look on your face earlier but I could also see the conflicting emotions in your eyes. What’s wrong?”

I hesitated, looking down at the water that sat at the bottom of my cup, “Y/N and I have gotten into a few arguments over the last few days.”

He paused for a moment, giving me a blank faced stare before speaking, “So you disagreed with her on something and she’s throwing a tantrum is what you’re telling me?”

I coughed out a chuckle at his tone of voice but shook my head, “No...well not exactly…” I trailed off as I thought back to the conversation we had just before she left Liszto to come here, “This new thing is about me agreeing with her mom and scolding her but I think what’s really bothering her is the things I said to her back home. I may have brought up Nikolai’s feelings for her and how uncomfortable it made me having  the two of them come out here, just the two of them.”

Yunho heaved out a heavy sigh, combing his hair back and out of his face as what I said to him set in, “I get where you’re coming from.” He paused, furrowing his brow, “But I don’t see why you’re so worried. It's no secret to the rest of us that the Major has feelings for the Captain, we all see the way Nikolai looks at her, we actually tease him about it. But I can tell you with certainty that his love is unrequited. The only look I see in Y/N’s eyes when she looks at him is a look of fondness, the same type of look you’d see a sibling give to an older one they adored.”

I bowed my head when he finished. I know I had stepped over the line but I couldn’t help but worry. Nikolai has shown me time and time again that he’s capable of taking her away from me. He goes out of his way to make me jealous and it infuriates me that he succeeds every time but I can’t just ignore how in love he is with her. Y/N has told me time and time again that he would never try anything while she and I were in a relationship but I couldn’t help but feel uneasy. 

“Just get out of your head for a bit, genius engineer,” Yunho said with a soft smile, patting my shoulder, “Don’t doubt her love and loyalty to you. She loves you and only you. Hate that bastard Volkov all you want, shit, I’d pay you to ruin that pretty little face of his. That asshole needs someone to hand his ass back to him on a silver platter.”

I didn’t bother giving him a response, thinking everything he said over in my head. My head felt like it was about ready to explode the longer I thought about it. I could deal with numbers, complicated equations and strategize all while keeping my eyes closed but the moment it came to Y/N my head felt emptier than it's ever been. With a sigh I finished off the last bit of my water and handed the cup back to Yunho, adjusting the strap of the rifle that hung from my shoulder.

“I’m gonna head out, patrol around the perimeter or guard the entrance, anything really.” I told him, my mind a jumbled mess as I pulled a pair of finger-less gloves out of my pocket and slipped them on, “I’m in serious need of some fresh air,” Yunho didn’t try and stop me, only offering me a nod of his head as he lifted his index and middle finger up to his head and gave me a mock salute. 

I patted myself down to check for extra magazines as I walked. I had one already in my rifle and felt an extra one in my left pocket. I wasn’t really expecting to actually use my rifle but I’d rather be safe than sorry, I didn’t know what kind of mutated animals were running around out here. As I got to the gates I was able to make out a familiar head of red hair, groaning at the sight. I must’ve groaned pretty loudly or he just had superb hearing. Nikolai turned around, along with Imlay who was standing next to him, Nikolai meeting my gaze. I gave him a blank look before diverting my eyes as I walked right past them.

“Where do you think you’re going?” 

I instinctively set my jaw at the sound of his voice, clutching onto the strap of my rifle tightly. I stopped in my tracks but didn’t bother turning around to look at him, knowing the look on his face would just piss me off, “On patrol.”

“For what? There aren’t any hostiles around so there’s no need to check the perimeter.” He said, his voice sounding closer than before.

Inhaled sharply before turning around to finally look at him, seeing that he had taken several steps towards me, “Look, I just need to clear my head and the only way I can do that is if I take a little walk alright?”

“Maybe you’d clear your head faster if you just talked things out with Y/N instead of running away like you always do.” He spat out, the fire in his eyes igniting my own.

“I’m getting real tired of your nose in shit it doesn’t belong, Nikolai. The only reason I’ve tolerated you this long is because of Y/N but you’re starting to push your fucking luck with me.” I all but growled out as I marched over to him.

Just as I was about to get in his face Imlay stepped out in between us. He had a nervous smile on his lips as he put his hands out in front of us, stopping us from getting any closer, “Hey...c’mon, we don’t need any of this. We have our hands full enough as it is treating the infected, we don’t need to be pulling the two of you off each other every time one of you looks at the other the wrong way,” He paused to make sure neither of us was going to start throwing punches before he addressed Nikolai, “Nik...just let him go. He’s not bothering anyone and the only one that would be in danger out there would be him and I’m sure he knows that. He won’t be causing any harm by patrolling.”

I looked past him to glare at Nikolai, a glare of his own on his face, “Continue to push my buttons and just watch what happens, Nikolai. There’s only so many times I’ll let your bullshit slide,” I warned, looking him up and down with distaste before muttering under my breath but made sure I spoke loud enough for him to hear me but I doubt he’d understand, “개새끼.”

I gave him one last look before turning on my heel and walked away. Not only was I trying to figure out how best to apologize to Y/N and work things out with her that asshole just had to piss me off.

-Y/N’s P.O.V-

I stretched my arms up high into the night sky, a heavy sigh leaving my lips as I stood to my full height. I gave the man one last look before leaving his tent. I made my way over to where our medical team had set up, my eyes darting around as I searched for a certain someone. Now should be as good a time as any to talk things out with Seonghwa. I didn’t want this to go on for any longer, I hated fighting with him. I closed my eyes a moment as I pulled off my gloves, thinking of what to say to him. I was still in deep thought when I made it inside the medical tent, heading straight for the bin of clean water that was at the far back of the tent. I turned the handle and watched the water flow for a second before I filled up a bowl with the water. 

“Sup Cap.” 

I looked up at the sound of his voice, a frown on my face at his choice of words, “Cap?” I asked, prompting him with a raised brow to elaborate on the nickname he’s given me, his superior might I add but he didn’t seem to notice the look I was giving him. Yunho simply grinned at him, the look on his face enough for me to let this slide, for now at least. I was never really one to enforce rules like addressing each other by our proper titles but something about the way he said it didn’t sit well with me. It could’ve been the smug and teasing look in his eyes or just because I wasn’t really in the mood for jokes, either way I let it go at the sight of his smile.

“Is there something I can do for you?” I asked when he didn’t say anything after his greeting.

His grin grew wider as he opened his mouth to speak but before he could get a word out a female voice cut him off, “What are you doing bothering the Captain?”

My gaze went to Lucia as she walked over to us, the teasing look in Yunho’s eyes turned into mischief, “I’m not bothering her.”

“Uh-huh. That look on your face is enough to tell me you’re up to no good...as usual.” She retorted, giving him a look before turning to face me and saluting me properly.

I raised a hand to indicate she didn’t need to be too formal. She stood at ease in front of me, keeping an eye on Yunho the whole time. I took this time to ask her a few questions.

“How are things with the others? Going smoothly I hope.”

She nodded, giving me an overview of today’s events. Beside Nikki and I, Fernandez was the highest ranking officer among the members of the guard that arrived. She was one of three Lieutenants we had, Abebe and Nobuhiko having stayed behind with my father and a few of the other higher ranking officers. I had noticed almost immediately that the ones that had come were mostly new recruits, privates of all ranks were most of the faces I had seen. Lucia gave me a full report of what the other members of the guard had been doing since they arrived. As she spoke I couldn’t help but let my eyes wander, looking for a familiar head of black hair.

“If you’re looking for Seonghwa he went out for a little walk awhile ago.” Yunho said, interrupting Lucia’s report.

She was about to scold him for interrupting her but before she could I spoke, “Did he say where he was going?”

“I think he said he was going to stand watch at the gate or patrol the perimeter.” He said with a knowing smile on his face.

I nodded at his words, ignoring the look he was giving me before addressing Lucia, “We’ll continue this later. Lucia, do me a favor and assign the others to check in on the sick every few hours. Give them rotating shifts so they can do it through the night and into morning,” I told her all this as I shook the water from my hands and left to try and catch up with Seonghwa. 

The moment I left the tent I broke out into a jog, impatient to see Seonghwa. I had been avoiding him all day because I was stupid and liked to hold grudges for no reason. And now that I’ve gone hours without seeing him I was missing his face and the smile he would give me every time he looked at me. Just thinking about him had me breaking out into a full on run, seeing Nikki on watch with Imlay. I came to a stop in front of the two, asking if they’ve seen Seonghwa.

“Yeah he-”

“If you’re just going to come back with that same look on your face you’ve had for the past few days then I suggest you turn back around.” Nikki said in a harsh tone.

I furrowed my brows in confusion, wondering where this sudden outburst came from but before I could question him Imlay spoke up, “Um, he went that way Captain. He looked like he was going through something, maybe he’ll cheer up once he sees you.”

My eyes darting from Imlay to Nikki then back to Imlay, nodding at his words with a grateful smile on my lips, “Thanks, Scott,” I then turned to Nikki, “I don’t know what’s gotten into you but let’s talk later alright?”

“You really have no idea what this is about?” He asked, stopping me in my tracks.

Again, my face showed confusion as he took a step towards me. What’s gotten into him? I was about to ask but just as I opened my mouth the sound of a rifle firing off in the distance cut through the quiet night. My face paled at the sound, pivoting on my foot as I looked out in the direction the shots came from. I searched the woods, my heart beating rapidly in my ears as I thought of who could’ve fired off those shots. 

Please...please let me be wrong.

I turned back to Nikki and Imlay in a hurry, “Imlay give me your gun,” I rushed out but didn’t really give him a chance to hand it over as I basically took the rifle from his hands. Just as I was about to take off running I was cemented to my spot as I heard more gunfire, my breathing picking up speed as I thought of all the possibilities. Nikki began to speak but none of his words processed in my head, my legs finally moving as I bolted towards where I hoped to find Seonghwa. 

“Seonghwa!?” I shouted, unable to stop myself from calling out his name so desperately.

I knew there was a chance, albeit a small chance, of him running into someone that was hostile towards the people of this small village or to him himself as the son of the leader of our city. I picked up the pace at the thought of something bad happening to him. Just as I was drowning in these thoughts I was able to make out a figure not too far away. I squinted through the night, unable to make any of their features out. The height matched Seonghwa but that wasn’t much of a confirmation as I called out, praying it was him.

“Seonghwa? Is that you?” I asked as I came to a stop, inching towards them slowly. 

I held onto my rifle tightly, ready to use it if it turned out not to be him. But I had no need to be so wary, my grip on my rifle disappeared completely when I heard his voice.

“Y/N? What are you doing out here?” He asked, coming forward so I could see him better.

I let out a sigh of relief, letting my rifle fall to the floor and make quick work to close the distance between us. I could see the confusion on his face mixed with a hint of concern but before he was able to voice any of his worries I threw my arms around his shoulders, bringing him into a tight embrace. I felt him go stiff in my hold for a second but he relaxed almost immediately, his arms instinctively wrapping around my waist. I clung onto him tightly, one of my hands clutching the fabric of his shirt tightly while the other made its way to the back of his head, my fingers weaving through his soft hair. 

“Y/N…what’s wrong? You’re shaking…” Seonghwa trailed off as he tried to pull away from the hug, undoubtedly wanting to get a look at my face but I held onto him tighter, not letting go.

“She freaked out because of the gunfire...probably thought up some elaborate idea of you being ambushed which is absurd by the way. Besides Liszto and this village the next city is about a hundred miles out.” Nikki explained, sounding exasperated. A moment of silence passed through us until he spoke up again, “Though I myself probably wouldn’t have minded you being abducted…”

“Nikolai.” I all but growled out when he said that, my hold on Seonghwa loosened but as I was about to let go Seonghwa suddenly held me tighter.

“Did you already forget what I just told you, Volkov?” Seonghwa asked, a threatening tone in his voice.

I heard Nikki scoff from behind me, knowing he was rolling his eyes, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll believe you when you actually go through with your threats, Park. Now what were you shooting at?”

I finally pulled away from the hug, curious to know why he fired his rifle when there didn’t seem to be anything dangerous around. I took a small step to the side, intertwining my fingers with his and basically clung onto his arm. He looked over at me with a raised brow questioningly but the look in his eyes was a fond one as he gave my hand a squeeze, “There was a bear.”

“A bear? Really?” Nikki asked skeptically, not believing a word.

“See for yourself.” Seonghwa said with a sigh and gestured to a big brown blob to his right.

Nikki and I both looked in surprise to find that he had indeed shot a bear, one that was twice the size of a regular bear book would describe. Nikki let out a loud whistle, seemingly impressed that Seonghwa had taken down an animal of that size. He was just about to comment when we heard a chorus of boots stomping on the hard ground followed by a series of commands, the voice belonging to Lucia. When she and the others came into view they were confused to see the three of us were just standing there. 

“Imlay told us there was an emergency.”

Nikki shook his head, “False alarm. Come over here and help me with this, we can use the fur or meat of this animal for...something…” Nikki trailed off, unsure as he started thinking of what to do but still led the others to the animal.

I took the opportunity to pull Seonghwa aside, looking him over for any injuries. I was so relieved to see that he was still here, standing on his own two feet. I didn’t think to check if that animal did something to him. I could feel his eyes on me as I turned his hands and arms, looking for scratches or things of the sort. I then moved up to inspect his face properly. I cupped his face gently in my hands, moving his head from side to side as I looked over his neck and face. As I was doing so he placed his hand over mine, drawing my eyes to his. He gave me a smile so soft I felt my tense shoulder immediately relax, his eyes crinkling ever so slightly as he gazed at me.

“I’m fine, Y/N. That thing didn’t get close enough to touch me, stop worrying about me alright?” He said in a tender voice, reaching over to smooth my brow, trying to erase the frown from my face, “Besides, I thought you were angry with me.”

“Just because I’m upset with you doesn’t mean I want anything bad to happen to you.” I told him pointedly, slightly offended that he could even think that badly of me, “We may have been arguing but no matter how angry and upset I am with you I would never wish any harm to come to you.”

He sighed out a soft laugh, seemingly overwhelmed by God knows who as he cupped the sides of my face and leaned forward, planting a big and lingering kiss on my forehead, “Ugh, I love you so much,” He groaned out as he pulled away, a blush rising to my cheeks at the words. I’m so used to him saying this to me but there are times when he says it in a different manner than usual and that’s when I’m caught off guard the most. At moments like this all I could do was blush. He chuckled at the sight of my blush, suddenly pulling me into his embrace, letting me bury my face in the crook of his neck. I heard the members of the guard let out wolf whistles as they passed by with the giant sized bear. I ignored them, knowing they wouldn’t miss the opportunity to tease me over this for the next few days.

“I’m sorry about what I said the other day. I should trust that you’ll push Nikolai away if he tries something.” He sighed as he pulled away from the hug, keeping his hands on my shoulders. I went to reiterate that Nikki would never try anything but he beat me to it, “I know you said he would never do such a thing but I can’t help but worry over it. No matter how much you reassure me I’m going to keep worrying so just let me alright?”

I rolled my eyes but couldn’t keep the smile off of my face, “Fine. And I’m sorry about this morning. I was a little out of line,” I muttered, rubbing the back of my neck sheepishly as I avoided eye contact.

He snickered teasingly, the back of his fingers brushing against my cheek tenderly, “I know you didn’t want to hear me backing up your mother like that but you needed to hear it. I know how much you look up to your father and how much you love him. If something happens to your father after he fails to live up to your expectations then I know you’d run yourself straight into the ground with guilt and I don’t want you to go through that. ”

I kept my eyes focused on something other than him, knowing everything he was saying was the truth but it doesn’t mean I always want to hear it. I did have a bad habit of relying too heavily on my father and I know that but I can’t help it. My mother had always been too busy with work or with Adonis, besides Nikki my father was all I really had at times.

“I’ll...ease up…” I mumbled in regards to my father.

Seonghwa beamed at me, his smile blinding even in the moonlight, “Good. Now that we’ve resolved things let's head back and get some sleep. We’re going to need our rest if we want to be of any help tomorrow,” He pulled me towards him, having me stand in front of him as he hugged my waist from behind and began to walk back to camp like that. 

~

“개새끼” - son of a bitch

[fallintosanity]

One Ardyn to Rule Them All

I’ve been stuck for a while on writing the part of What Stays and What Fades that comes shortly after the last bit posted to Tumblr, and I realized a couple of days ago that this particular flavor of stuck-ness is familiar: it’s the stuck of trying to write a story in which Ardyn Izunia is involved. 

This is something I struggled with quite a lot in The Basis of Reality, and for much the same reason: Ardyn is billed as the villain of FFXV, but he’s not. He’s tied up in the resolution of the canon story in a way that makes him impossible to ignore in any fic that deals remotely with the canon plot and the Cosmogony’s prophecy about Noct’s destiny, but he’s not the antagonist. Instead, he alternates between being a Trickster Mentor and a more-violent-than-usual MacGuffin.

To put it another way: Ardyn isn’t Sauron. He’s the One Ring. 

(what the fuck that means under the cut)

To expand on the LOTR analogy, the Starscourge itself is Sauron (personified to a certain extent by Bahamut and the Crystal), while the Niflheim Empire is Saruman and his army. This isn’t to get drawn into any Dawn of the Future “true ending” arguments over whether Bahamut is actively evil, just doing the only thing he can, or simply indifferent either way. That’s not really the point. A character doesn’t have to be objectively “evil” or “bad” to be an antagonist - they only have to be the one providing the primary conflict, the one asking the question the narrative answers.

Let’s talk for a second about antagonists. The antagonist of a story is the thing that drives the plot, whether it’s a bad guy with a goal, a force of nature or society, or an internal opponent. A story is created by asking a question spurred by the antagonist, which is answered in the climax by the hero’s actions. For example: Will Darth Vader successfully wipe out the Rebellion by destroying its last hideout? Will the volcano’s eruption kill the intrepid scientist? Will the scrappy underdog team’s lack of training and confidence defeat their shot to win the championship? Will depression drive a teenager to suicide? 

Basically, you can’t have a story without conflict, and the antagonist is what provides the conflict.

So now we’re back to FFXV and Ardyn. For the first twelve chapters of the game, the narrative question is, “Can Noctis reclaim the Crystal and defeat Niflheim to save his kingdom?” It has nothing to do with Ardyn, and indeed, Ardyn does not provide any meaningful conflict to Noctis, our hero. In fact, while he’s smarmy about it, he’s pretty helpful! The closest he gets to providing direct conflict is killing Lunafreya: a cruel thing to do, but at that point all it appears to do is raise the stakes for Noctis - stakes already placed by Niflheim. At least on the surface, Ardyn is simply continuing the Empire’s campaign to wipe out the Lucis Caelums and the Fleurets in its quest for world domination. After that, he’s offscreen for all of Chapter 10 except a brief cameo. Even his mischief on the train in Chapter 11, switching places with Prompto and tricking Noctis into throwing Prompto off the train, simply continues to raise the Empire’s stakes of world domination by killing Noctis and co. 

It’s not until Chapter 13 that the narrative question is called into doubt. In fact, I would argue that one of the reasons Chapter 13 is so unsettling on first playthrough is for exactly that reason: the player understands that the original narrative question no longer applies, because the Emperor is dead and the Empire has been destroyed by its own daemons. But it’s not until the very last few minutes of the chapter, when Bahamut reveals Noctis’s true purpose, that the new narrative question arises. Therefore, it’s distressing at a meta level to the player because the player no longer understands what the goal is, mirroring Noctis’s own distress.

In those last few minutes of Chapter 13, Bahamut tells both Noctis and the player that, in effect, none of the conflict up until this point matters. The only real question is, can Noctis save the world by destroying Ardyn before the Starscourge wipes out humanity? 

Sound familiar? The primary narrative question in The Lord of the Rings is, can Frodo save the world by destroying the One Ring before Sauron wipes out all the Free Races? 

(As I’m writing this I’m realizing that there are a whole lot more parallels between FFXV and LOTR than I noticed before. I might have to do a separate meta on that.)

So we’re finally all the way back to my original point, which is that Ardyn isn’t Sauron, he’s the One Ring. Which means figuring out how to write him into a fic isn’t simply a matter of setting him directly opposed to Noctis & co, because that’s not what Ardyn does. It’s not what he wants, any more than the One Ring wants to stop Frodo from taking it to Mordor. Just as the One Ring frequently helps Frodo (albeit often at a cost) along his journey, so does Ardyn help Noctis. The One Ring also occasionally hinders Frodo in ways intended to support Sauron, just like Ardyn helps the Starscourge along by killing Lunafreya, but for the most part, neither the One Ring nor Ardyn have any reason not to help their respective heroes get them closer to their destructive goals. 

The one wildcard in all of this is that while the One Ring is only sort of sentient and cannot significantly act on its own (outside of doing things like managing to slip onto fingers or fall out of pockets), Ardyn is both fully sentient and (mostly) autonomous. In other words, he has a will of his own and can act on it if he so chooses. The problem is that it’s never made clear in canon precisely what Ardyn does want. 

We can infer some things based on his actions, but depending on whether you consider the various DLCs, and in particular Episode: Ardyn, to be 100% canon, many of those inferences run directly counter to one another. Ardyn wants the prophecy to succeed so he can finally die after two thousand years of torment. Ardyn wants the prophecy to fail so he can rule a world of daemons. Ardyn wants to be the Chosen King and wipe out his brother’s descendents. Ardyn only ever wanted to help people by healing them. Ardyn is a gleeful participant in setting up the ending of the Cosmogony to achieve any of the above goals. Ardyn doesn’t want to be a part of the Cosmogony at all but is forced to act out his role by the gods. Ardyn is a cunning mastermind puppeteering a grand plan. Ardyn is completely insane and doesn’t care about anything except sowing chaos and ruin.

On top of all that, if you count Ep:Ardyn as canon, we have Bahamut explicitly telling Ardyn he doesn’t get a choice. He’s only allowed to be a good little prophecy puppet, playing his part until he dies, and any attempt to deviate will be quashed with extreme prejudice. This adds yet another layer of potential motivation for Ardyn: regardless of his own personal feelings about the Lucis Caelum line in general and Noctis in particular, Ardyn may have sufficient motivation to flout the Cosmogony simply to defy the god who told him to play along. 

This leaves us with a MacGuffin with a will of its own but no clear motivation or end goal, and a villain who, like Sauron, is too remote and uninvolved for the vast majority of the plot to be useful in driving direct conflict in a fic. (This is, incidentally, why Saruman, the Uruk-Hai, and the Ringwraiths exist in LOTR: they provide smaller narrative arcs of conflict along the journey to face Sauron himself. Niflheim and its various commanders - Aranea, Loqi, and Caligo - plus the miscellaneous daemons you face on the road, serve the same function in FFXV.) 

None of this really helps get me unstuck, unfortunately, but it does help me understand the core of my problem: I’ve been trying to fit Ardyn into the role of Sauron when that’s not, narratively speaking, what he’s set up for. Which isn’t to say I can’t have him escalate from One Ring to Sauron, but if I’m going to do that, I need to find a motivation for him that pits him directly against Noctis and co. Because while he might be a MacGuffin in canon, that doesn’t mean he has to stay one in fics.

[angelqueen04]

Alexander Hamilton to Elizabeth Hamilton, 16 October 1781

[Yorktown, Virginia, October 16, 1781]

Two nights ago, my Eliza, my duty and my honor obliged me to take a step in which your happiness was too much risked. I commanded an attack upon one of the enemy’s redoubts; we carried it in an instant, and with little loss. You will see the particulars in the Philadelphia papers. There will be, certainly, nothing more of this kind; all the rest will be by approach; and if there should be another occasion, it will not fall to my turn to execute it.

(source)

Such a short letter, and yet it conveys so much and makes me have thoughts. Only 86 words, I would suppose it was likely sent in a great hurry, Hamilton writing quickly to assure Eliza that he was well. He said so himself that she would “see the particulars in the Philadelphia papers”, meaning she would likely be seeing that he himself had participated in the battle, and he wanted her to have something written in his own hand to reassure her that he was okay, that he hadn’t been injured or worse. 

We know Hamilton had been wanting a command for years, practically harassing Washington for one, and used his break with Washington earlier in the year to further his campaign to obtain one (which eventually succeeded). Hamilton wanted to use his military service and the glory he’d gain for serving on the field as a springboard into higher things after the war. And yet here, in the aftermath of achieving his goal, one does not get the sense that he feels any triumph in achieving his objective. Now, he could very well be controlling himself, keeping his letter short and sedate for the sake of Eliza’s feelings, since Hamilton was likely concerned that she might panic if she found out he had been on the front lines and in mortal danger. She was also pregnant with their first child at the time, so one can imagine he was also concerned that the news might shock her into a miscarriage.

Still, it’s the last sentence that gets my attention. Hamilton tells Eliza that he will not be repeating this stunt, that if there is more fighting, he will not be involved. Hamilton had seen action before (see his adventures during the 1776 New York campaign where he did some absolutely insane shit, along with his involvement with the Battle of Trenton, and antics at the Battle of Princeton where he blasted away at Nassau Hall with cannons).

Hamilton struck me as someone who craved military glory (which isn’t surprising, given who he hung out with - I’m looking at you Laurens, Lafayette!). And yet, after gaining it, he seems very firm in his resolution to be done with it. Now, again, this may just be a case of him wanting to do everything he can to reassure his pregnant wife that he’s not going to “take [another] step in which [her] happiness was [...] risked,” a.k.a. throw himself into a deadly situation that could get him killed and leave her alone (no, he’d save that for later on). 

I could be reading too much into it, but this sounds like a man who is very much *done* with military life. Which, IMO, sounds about right. I mean, this is a guy who joined the cause in 1776 and then never took a vacation until 1780, when he took leave to get married. In his letters to Eliza (and others) in both this period and during their courtship, he talks frequently of the conflict between being a soldier and a married man, and how difficult it is to focus on military matters when all he wants to do is go hang out with and bask in the presence of his girlfriend/wife. This letter kind of feels like the culmination of that conflict - Hamilton has done what he needed to do to further his career prospects after the war (he can rightfully say that he saw action during the war and wasn’t just manning George’s journal writing letters for Washington), so now he can and he *will* move on. And that includes settling into a family life with Eliza.

And Hamilton doesn’t stick around Yorktown long. After the surrender, he makes a steady-paced journey from there to Albany (though he does stop in a few places, according to recent-ish research by Michael Newton - I have got to read this man’s books). Once in Albany, he battles a long illness that leaves him bedridden for quite a while, begins his law studies, and is present for the birth of his first child, Philip Hamilton. It’s pretty clear that Hamilton threw himself into civilian life at this point, and was discharged from the army by the end of 1782 or so. He wants to move on from being a soldier, and encourages Laurens to do the same in the last letter he wrote to the man (the one Laurens never read because he was too busy getting himself killed before it could each him), telling him to “quit your sword [...] put on a toga, come to Congress.”

This letter marks the beginning of period of transition for Hamilton, going from soldier to civilian/politician/lawyer/family man/whatever else he needs/wants to be. One door closes, another opens, and all that.

[scoobydoominuscoobydoo]

Alright, I guess we should talk about Scoob!

So Scoob! was digitally release nearly a month ago and Mod Silas and I finally got around to watching it. 

For anyone who liked it and don’t wanna read me heavily criticize it then I’ll just spoil you right now:

I did not like Scoob! at all.

And it was really disappointing because this is the first wide release film Scooby has gotten in 16 years. That’s a long time to think of bringing Scooby to the general public who don’t go out of their way to watch every single direct-to-video movie. The announcement of a new feature length film was two or three years ago and I was really excited to hear it because I was expecting some high-quality content.

My opinion of it quickly dropped a lot when it was revealed that the original voice cast wouldn’t be in it. That’s fine all on it’s own but they did it without even letting the original cast know they wouldn’t be a part of this (Besides Frank but he wasn’t even cast as who he originally played). Seeing both Matthew and Grey’s responses to this made me sad and I was significantly less excited for this movie. 

Suddenly the concept of this movie not being that good became very real to me. How much passion can you have for Scooby-Doo when you ignore the original cast and hire people who have never done anything for the franchise before that.

Despite all of that, I was giving Scoob! the benefit of the doubt because I really wanted this movie to be good. I wanted this movie to open up the potential for more major Scooby projects. And while this movie did well financially I find myself so disappointed that after 16 years this is what we got.

Since I hated almost everything about this movie I’m gonna break it up into a numbered list (otherwise I’ll be ranting endlessly).

#1: This movie fails at telling a story.

When the trailer was dropped I remember being like, “Great. Lets recycle the whole Scoob and Shag friendship as a central narrative. Not like they’ve done that a million times before.” And then next thing you know, they’re on the Falcon Fury and I was so not excited. That was two plot-lines they’ve played with before and I can’t remember the last time anyone cared about the Blue Falcon. It’s one of the weaker movies and nobody talks about that one episode of MI that he’s in.

But again, I was going to let it slide because it’s still possible to create a good story out of something recycled.

The movie opens up with them when they were kids and I was already bummed because this movie is taking place in present times and not the 70′s or the 80′s. They allude to the fact that Shaggy enjoys stuff from that time period (while he’s scrolling through a smartphone) but that’s not the same. This concept bugged me for the rest of the movie because the majority of scenes where the gang is solving something they just Google it and the the scene is over. As opposed to it taking place before the internet and writers would have to get creative. And while I love the gang as kids because when it’s done in the show they have so much charm and life the beginning scenes are kinda pointless and don’t establish anything major. I think they were trying to show that the gang have been really close since they were little but it doesn’t come off that way. Not to mention the whole scene with the gang together feels really stiff and I was salty that Shaggy wasn’t wearing a Commander Cool costume instead of his Blue Falcon outfit.

At this point I was waiting for the character conflict to be introduced because that’s a key convention in every Scooby movie. There’s always a man in a mask to chase but that’s not where the story comes together. The story comes from some sort internal conflict within the characters.

The phantom dinosaurs in Legend of the Phantosaur are awesome but that’s not what the movie is about. It’s about Shaggy overcoming his own internal hurdles.

That’s been a consistent pattern in the best of the Scooby films (even all four of the live action ones do this) and I was waiting for it to be identified. And then next thing I know we’re twenty minutes into the movie and I’m not sure what it’s even about. The scene where the gang talk about wanting to become a legitimate business happens so fast and it took me like five minutes to be like, “Wait is this our conflict?” A fight between the gang about Shaggy and Scooby’s usefulness to the cause? (Which is also a recycled plot but whatever.) Their fight happens so fast and isn’t taken all that seriously so Shag and Scoob’s anger seems more played for a laugh than anything else.

But then they cut to the bowling alley and the two of them seem genuinely upset. And I can’t help but think if you had let the earlier scene escalate into an actual argument that I would have bought the hurt feelings. But then none of it matters because Shag and Scoob are immediately attacked and rescued by the Blue Falcon and someone’s OC. And when the rest of the gang find out they instantly feel bad and so I guess the tension between the gang wasn’t supposed to be the central conflict.

Now it’s back to being about Shaggy and Scooby and their millionth time being the chosen one.

Shaggy becomes pretty upset because Scooby is getting into the whole superhero thing and isn’t giving Shag a second thought. But the thing is, none of this was built up. The villain and Simon Cowell tell Shag he isn’t special and both of those times aren’t even remotely emotional. They briefly mention that Shag has some self confidence issues and that turns into him getting mad at Scooby for taking off his collar and playing hero. Ignoring the fact that this is not in character at all it’s clear that the story is now forcing conflict because we’re 45 minutes into the movie and all we’ve done is slapstick.

Shaggy and Scooby’s falling out is ridiculous because they’ve only been mad at each other for like ten minutes of the whole movie so there aren’t any stakes at all. You know they’re gonna make up because this fight came out of nowhere and wasn’t built up at all. Shag and the gang reuniting isn’t emotional at all and Shaggy breaking up the fight could have been so much better if it was just done better.

And that’s how this whole movie is, this plot had the potential to be great scenes could have gotten something from me but nothing is built up and it can’t stay consistent.

By the final battle of the film we’ve only had two things resembling character arcs in Shag and the Blue Falcon and neither of them have any weight. The movie tells us what we already know, that Shaggy is indeed useful to the gang and I just want this movie to be over.

And I guess because they wanna tug on your heartstrings the writers threw in a little self-sacrifice. And I’m not against that at all I think that’s a good resolution to the arc they were trying to give Shaggy but the thing is there’s no stakes or tension in the scene. It just happens and we’re meant to be sad about it but I can’t because nobody else in the scene seems to think it’s all that depressing besides Scooby. And like two minutes later the conflict is resolved and we get our obligatory dance party at the end. 

That whole thing is not a story, nothing is really accomplished by the end and nobody has really gone anywhere. 

There was no Point A which takes us to Point B which brings us to Point C. This was an insane labyrinth of lines running through as many points as they could and then calling it a day. There was no natural progression and none of the conflicts presented even mattered because they were immediately resolved anyway. That makes sense for a TV show but this is a feature length film. I honestly could not believe they were going to release that in theaters because there is no way it’s worth the money. 

It was so devoid of the Scooby-Doo charm and this movie felt more lifeless than anything I’ve watched in a long time.

#2: The movie does a bad job of portraying the gang’s friendship.

One of the fandom’s favorite parts of the Scooby-Doo franchise is the friendship between the gang and the way their characters interact.

But in this movie they behave more like coworkers than anything else. They try to play up the gang feeling guilty and missing the guys but it’s really not convincing. And it’s clear that the fight was more or less to contribute to Velma, Daphne and Fred’s story rather than the whole gang. They spend most of their scenes talking about the mystery or what Shaggy and Scooby would be doing if they were there. The one time in the movie where I can buy them being best friends is when we watch that accidentally took a video instead of a selfie. I thought that was really cute and showed the gang’s dynamic effectively.

The end of the movie where Shaggy is supposedly sealed in the Underworld forever is so underwhelming because Scooby is the only one reacting. Like that’s supposed to be their best friend of ten years who they don’t think they’ll ever see again and they barely bat an eyelash until they go to comfort Scooby.

My first thought was, “There is no way the gang would just let Shaggy sacrifice himself.” And I kept wondering why no one else was trying to stop him or hold him back. 

It’s annoying because I like when the whole gang’s relationship a key part of the plot rather than just Shaggy and Scooby + the other three who are also here.

#3: The villain and the Blue Falcon are pointless.

You could have taken Brian and Dick Dastardly out of the movie and replaced them with anyone and the movie would not have changed at all.

The Blue Falcon squad add nothing to the story and are mainly just there for ......nostalgia I guess??? But nobody even remembers the Blue Falcon??? 

The scenes with Dastardly are easily the worst parts because he’s just a copy-paste villain who sometimes says semi relatable things and it’s meant to be hilarious. His whole plan to open the Underworld just to get his dog back could have been interesting but obviously it wasn’t because nothing is properly built up in this movie.

Their first mistake was immediately revealing who their villain was right off the bat. I won’t be salty that they used actual supernatural forces because Scooby has done that plenty of times. I am salty that they just up and tell you who the puppetmaster is without any goal at anonymity which just goes against everything Scooby is about.

And they’ve done this multiple times. Whenever real supernatural forces are brought into the mix that does change anything because the forces are almost always being controlled by a man in a mask. This sticks to the Scooby belief that the real evil in our world comes from man and not fictional monsters.

#4: This movie’s presentation is not good.

I will quickly say that I actually liked Shaggy’s design in the movie even though Mod Silas already drew Shag with a long sleeve under his shirt and I think that’s a lot better looking. Whatever, I thought he was cute.

I was talking about how stiff the opening scenes felt, well the whole movie looks pretty stiff as well. 

The character designs are distracting (every girl in this movie with their hair down looks like they’re just wearing a wig it looks so bad I don’t understand hair hasn’t looked back in animation for like a decade) and the animation is pretty sloppy. The directing and camera movements also don’t make any half the time and only make everything more jarring. I have nothing against CG animation but I feel like this movie was trying to be 2D in a 3D space and and was just not working out.

Also the voice acting in the movie is really not good. Like idk how this movie managed to get a bad performance out of these pretty renowned actors but none of them sound like they wanna be there or even really care. Which is funny because if they had kept the original cast you know they would have given it 110% since they actually have passion playing these roles. If the performances were actually good I feel like I would have enjoyed the movie a little more.

They also play some standard pop songs and that confused me because they literally played the original theme song at the beginning. Like you guys have the What’s New theme which everyone loves, a plethora of other theme songs, and two Hex Girls songs you could have played. 

When the dance party at the end happens Mod Silas pointed out that it was a wasted opportunity because instead of having the Blue Falcon be a DJ they could have just brought in the Hex Girls or Simple Plan.

But they didn’t do that and I honestly wonder if the people who made this movie care about Scooby-Doo at all.

#5: The things that I actually liked.

Again, I liked that scene where they do that cute selfie thing, I thought was adorable and accurately showed their dynamic.

I also liked that Daphne was the one to point out what Shag and Scoob contribute to the team because I’m biased.

When they address that Shag and Scoob are they ones that make sure the gang is eating I like that, I thought it was very in character and made a lot of sense.

I like when Captain Caveman showed up for literally no reason and was voiced by Tracy Morgan. Simply because it was so dumb I had to laugh.

I like the gang’s group hugs because those always showcase how tall Shag is compared to everyone and they all deserve a hug.

Any of the lines Fred said because they were the majority of the actually funny jokes in the movie.

The scene where Shag, Scoob and Daph are split off and she keeps getting her spare Scooby Snacks stolen by Scooby. I just love that trio for obvious reasons and it was the only part of the movie where I felt happy.

At the end when Shaggy yells at the gang and tells them what to do because I just always like it when he does that, it always throws the rest of the gang off and it’s funny.

The scene where they unmask Dastardly and it’s Simon Cowell and then they unmask Cowell and it’s Dastardly again. Like the smartest joke the movie had.

The Hex Girls poster at the carnival because it tricked me into thinking we’d see them at some point.

I liked DynoMutt, I though his design was cool and he got the other half of the actually funny jokes.

When Blue Falcon does that phone gag and is all like, “Adventure is calling!!” And the scene is supposed to be exciting but then Shag immediately is like, “No thanks.” I thought that was in character and pretty funny before being taken back because conflicts are resolved instantly in this movie.

Conclusion:

When you’re passionate with something as underground as Scooby-Doo you find yourself getting very protective of the legacy it leaves behind.

Granted this franchise has always had some black marks on it’s record but that’s to be expected since it’s a 50 year-old series.

Scoob was going to bring Scooby-Doo back into the limelight after such a long time remaining on CN or Boomerang respectively. And was just so devoid of the passion that even MI had, it felt like more of a cash grab than anything else. And it bums me out because there are so many good things that we could have gotten from an animated theatrical release.

But instead we got an hour and forty-five minutes of nothing and that isn’t what Scooby deserves at all. I can only hope that someone will want to try again and this time, they’ll actually care.

(Feel free to share your own thoughts on the movie and maybe discuss point I made that you agree/disagree with.)

[jemej3m]

What Now? (p1)

where andrew and neil are single dads and their kids hate each other. 

 Neil hated the administrators. They sat at the front desk and looked up at him with enormous eyes, eyelashes fluttering as they asked: “What’cha lookin’ for, hon?” She smiled, almost beseechingly, as she stood. “Tour? I can show you around.”

“Actually,” He cleared his throat, pulling his sleeves down. “I’m here for Robin.”

The woman’s face turned sour, though she did her best to remain neutral “Right. You said you would be here a half hour ago, Mr Josten. The others have been waiting. Take a seat, I’ll let Headmaster Boyd know.” 

I’m sorry, Neil wanted to snap. That some stupid kid has managed to aggravate Robin and that I’m a full-time working single father. Jesus Christ, people were shallow. 

He dropped into a plastic chair, straightening his shirt again. His hair was still a little damp after his 30-second shower: Convincing his coach to leave practise early was never easy, but he was one of the few teammates with a kid. And the only one of that small group who parented alone. He probably had a few more concessions than the rest, but he couldn’t afford to spend them on shit like this. 

Opposite him was a broad-shouldered man, staring at him. Unimpressed. Did he recognise Neil? He hoped not. He wasn’t in the mood for a facade. The staring continued. Neil elected to ignore him in favour of looking at the ceiling. 

When Robin was shuffled out by her classroom teacher, Danielle Wilds, she gave Neil a sheepish look. He stood up and offered his hand, which she let rest on her head. Touch was still incredibly unfamiliar to both of them. “What’s this all about, Robin?”

She pointed to the bruise on her jaw. “I pushed him after he called me bad things. Then he punched me back!” 

Neil glowered. It didn’t explain why his adoptive daughter was getting in trouble. She could sense that he knew she was omitting details of the story, and hid behind his hip as they followed Danielle Wilds down the hall. 

Behind them, the blond man stood. He was shorter than Neil - a feat in itself, really - but it was as though Neil could feel needles stabbing into the back of his skull. He took Robin by the hand as he lead her into the headmaster’s office, and immediately observed his surroundings: The enormous glass window looking out over the school’s courtyard, where kids were dressed for phys-ed and playing with skipping ropes, the mahogany desk, the shelves of books, the trophies and certificates of achievement on the walls. Boyd had a picture of a young girl with wild, curly hair by his computer. The man in question was sitting relaxedly in his chair, tattoos visible through the white button-down, his cuffs loose and rolled to mid-forearm. His hair was spiked with gel, and 

There was a young boy, sitting opposite him. He had black hair and green eyes, looking nothing like the blond man who sat next to him. The son was probably getting close to his father’s height. Both of them wore distasteful sneers. Like father like son, Neil supposed.

“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?” Neil asked, when there had been too many moments of frigid silence. “Robin? Anyone? I’d like to know exactly why I’m here.”

“I’m sorry, Mr Josten --”

“Neil.” 

“Neil.” Boyd cleared his throat. “Robin and Kevin have been having some serious disagreements over the past few weeks. Neither seem willing to compromise, or come to an impasse. We usually like to guide students to conflict resolution, but this is getting out of hand. Isn’t it, Kevin?” He looked at the boy. “Robin?” Neil’s daughter withered under his look of disappointment. 

They both pointed at each other. “They started it!” 

“Kevin always tells me that I’m dumb and get all the answers wrong.” Robin wailed. “And he hides my pencils!”

“Robin scribbled in my maths scrapbook.” Kevin huffed. “Then she hid my completed spelling homework --”

“Wasn’t me!” 

“And then she put grapes in the bottom of my bag, and they’re all squishy!” 

“Are you sure that your own grapes didn’t spill, Kevin?” His father implored. 

“You’re very good at losing pencils, Robin.” Neil shook his head. “Maybe you’ve lost them?”

“No!” Both of them cried. 

Momentarily, Neil looked to the other father, and recognised the look of pure frustration furrowing the man’s brows. 

Boyd rested his elbows on his desk, clasping his fingers beneath his chin. “But is that why we’re here today?”

Both of the children quietened. 

“What the supervising teacher told me was that she saw Robin push Kevin, who hit her on the face.” He gestured to the bruise on Robin’s chin. “The other children said that Kevin was calling her names. I would like to reiterate that there is a strict, no-violence policy at this school, and would like you both to go home and think about the way you have behaved. Neil, Andrew: You should help them reflect and compose apology letters to one another. I’ll see you all tomorrow morning.”

Andrew glared daggers, standing abruptly and ushering his son out the door. Neil grabbed Robin by the shoulder and dragged her out. 

When they caught up to the other pair, Neil sniped: “Really appreciated being dragged in here, thanks.”

“Maybe butchering is a hereditary thing, hm?” Andrew examined his car-keys. They were sleek, an expensive model that Neil couldn’t possibly name. “Such a shame.” 

Neil fumed. Sensing Neil’s irritation, Andrew turned a blank look on him; Neil wondered how someone with such a void-like gaze could be a parent. 

“Let’s go home.” He murmured. Robin tucked herself into Neil’s side and they hurried out of the administration building together. 

Here’s how it goes:

Neil was almost 24, and coached Exy teams in Couth Carolina’s little league. He’d got out of his family’s criminal history through his Exy scholarship, but never taken it further. He hadn’t even really liked kids, but it was something to do.

Then, because Neil’s tragic existence seemed to be catastrophic for those around him, a car t-boned into a van outside his apartment. Neil, always running in the early hours of the morning, immediately rushed over. The sedan’s driver was a crumpled heap, blood splattered across the windscreen -- he most likely dead, so Neil ignored him. But there were screams coming from the back of the van, so he yanked the damaged door open. 

Bruised and bleeding, curled into the corner of the van, was Robin. She was thrown into the foster system as an infant, and was then kidnapped at the age of three. No one cared about a foster kid going missing. Her missing person’s file was practically non-existent, especially after 2 years. Robin had clambered into his arms as he pulled her out of the back of that van, and he hasn’t had a full night’s sleep since. 

Four years later, he’d set up a scholarship program in the little league, his daughter was making enemies at her new school, and Neil still didn’t regret a thing. 

Andrew sat in the car and thought about the best way to approach this. For Kevin’s sake, he would be a role-model. But every inch of that Josten had him wanting to clench his fists. Of course he knew of him: Exy had gotten him through college. The Josten scandal was everywhere: Leaving the Ravens for the Trojans, Jean Moreau quickly following suit, the Butcher of Baltimore, the Moriyamas, the FBI; Then, settling down to coach kids. That drama had to be almost a decade ago, though. Didn’t matter. Exy had never mattered to Andrew. His degree had also been second thought: His occupation was satisfying, but never thrilling. 

Having a kid, though. Jesus. 

Kevin was a handful and a half. He was brimming with energy and emotion, repressed anger and competitiveness creating a volatile reaction to most situations. Andrew had taken Kevin in after his mother’s death, his old exy coach, Wymack, being the father but being unable to, you know. Father. 

Andrew didn’t understand how the fuck he was meant to be any better. 

“I’m sorry, Andrew.” Kevin didn’t look that apologetic. “She’s just super annoying! And she wouldn’t shut up about how her dad’s team is the best, and she loves her dad, and he’s the best, and how she’s going to play Exy too. Exy, exy, exy. All the time! It drives me insane! She talks so loudly, too. And so much. She never shuts up.”

Andrew could read his son. “Usually people aren’t this successful at getting under your skin, Kevin.”

“I hate her!” He frowned, his lips puckering. It was stupidly adorable. Andrew hated the word adorable. “I really do, you know. She’s always teasing me about liking history and reading my books. She can’t even do maths!”

“Remember what I tell you, Kevin.” Andrew switched on the ignition and swerved out of his car-parking space. He searched for the flash of an expensive sportscar, of which would be presumedly Neil’s, but he couldn’t find one. 

“Be the better person so you can shove their own failures up their asses, I know.” Kevin drew his feet onto the dashboard but Andrew swatted them down.

“No feet on the dashboard.” He pointed at Kevin but the brat pushed his hand away, promptly sticking out his tongue. 

God, why did he decide to have kids?

Oh yeah. He didn’t. Right. 

(Still didn’t believe in regret, though.)

i hope this made sense! 

i just think itd be hilarious lmao imagine seeing a parent in the lobby and be like damn and then figure out that their kid and your kid hate each other

[managician]

ARC V Anniversary Day 4

Discussion prompt:  Who’s your favorite character(s)?

Hoo boy, I ended up making a top 10 because there’s so many lovable characters in this cast and I want to talk about them all... Warning for incredibly long descriptions as the top goes on (I’m sorry for mobile users)

10. Reira Akaba

Look at this precious bab. Right off the bat I knew I would like them — I have a kind of weakness for child characters (Rua is one of my faves from 5DS too for a reason), but I never actually expected to love them as much as I do right now. Seeing this little afraid kid with no sense of self grow into a person of their own and playing a literal key role in the resolution of the final conflict was so satisfying. 

09. Ray Akaba

Aand naturally, with me loving Reira it probably comes off as no surprise that I love Ray too. Even with the extremely limited screentime, she shot through the roof as one of my favorites. She was no goddess or super powerful entity that had the equal means to fight Zarc, but she did so anyway. And she won. She’s the porter of an incredibly inspiring message and pretty much symbolizes the core of ARC V’s narrative; she saw trouble and she knew cowering in fear would solve nothing, so she took a step forward with courage and believed in her own worth. POINT IS, Ray is awesome.

08. Rin 

Ahh, Rin... It’s one of the few cases where it’s hard for me to articulate what I like about her the most. I actually wasn’t super invested in her when I first finished watching the show, but one of my friends really likes Yugo and Rin and that got me to think more about her beyond her lack of screentime, and I found myself suddenly appreciating her a lot. She has all her pragmatic yet caring personality and goals scattered throughout the show if you pay attention to her interactions with Yugo, and you can actually get a extremely solid grasp on the kind of the person she is — even her deck plays into it (a logical and ruthless Burn Damage deck, which showcases she’s not here for anyone’s bullshit). 

07. Shun Kurosaki

Shun is a fairly biased case for me, I’ll totally admit. I didn’t actually like him that much during my watch of the show though, and it wasn’t until the XYZ/Fusion Arc that I looked at the events of ARC V in retrospective and realised how much Shun had been involved in. I’m a sucker for stoic and ruthless characters learning to trust people again, and Shun fit into the mold perfectly. And he definitely did strike me as cool from the first go, with Rise Falcon’s insane OTK against the LDS Trio back in Standard, so even if I wasn’t actively rooting for his character I wanted to see what direction he’d take. Seeing him grow and finally make peace with the Yuto/Ruri situation at the end of the show made me incredibly happy; I think that he could finally start leaving all the bitterness and pain behind and begin a new journey of hope with his comrades. 

06. Serena

Another case of me being somewhat (okay, really) gay and biased for girls. I loved Serena right from the first go; her pushy and pretty aggressive personality caught my interest, and we got a glimpse of her backstory with Reiji pretty soon after her introduction, which made me feel connected with her very easily. Yet another misguided Academia student — though her arc is completely different compared to say, Sora’s or Dennis’s. She had even less information about the outside world than the rest of the Fusion gang did, and so of course the key for her was learning the truth. Thanks to Yuzu and Shun she was able to check by herself how horrorific her Academia comrades’s actions had been, and she immediately decides to fight against the injustice. There’s something admirable about her relentless courage and will to do what’s right, and she never stops being herself and fighting like she wants to the very bitter end. Pretty inspiring for me, honestly.

05. Reiji Akaba

And we enter Top 5, starting off with Reiji, who is frankly the trickiest character for me on this list. Unlike many people I know I didn’t ever think of him as an evil or dettached rival, because of... His scarf. Yes, his stupid gravity defying-scarf. Red symbolizes heroism in many Japanese shows, so I had the hunch that Reiji would end up acting nicer than he did at the beginning of show. And boy, did he. He’s an incredibly compelling and well-rounded character who is a clear contrast to Yuya’s bright entertainment, and he expresses his emotions in a very subtle way. He’s an unexpected rival who subverts tropes left and right, just like the protagonist; and while it’s clearly a case of the “I Had To Grow Up Too Early” trope, it’s executed so brilliantly well that you can’t help feel sorry for him, even if you don’t particularly like him. ...Which was actually what happened to me, I barely cared for him in my first watch of the show... And then I loved him and suddenly he was in my top favorites. He’s so great.

04. Sawatari Shingo

I’ll say it right from the go, I didn’t ever think a character of Shingo’s type could get me so interested. From the beginning of the show I saw him as Yuya’s ‘rival’ in a purer sense of the word than Reiji; they’re both Entertainment Duelists and have a more direct confrontation in the championship’s Action Duel. But that’s all he really was to me, another showcasing of Entertainment and a fun character to see when he was on screen, nothing else. And yet I found myself taking a deep liking to him when he finally tried to steer his own path; despite being a loud, kind-of comedy relief character if the situation requires for it (somewhat akin to Jounouchi in DM, perhaps), at the same time he’s a quite talented Duelist who enjoys pulling a crowd’s attention towards him. He wants to impress people and that’s something I could relate to in a very intimate way, as much as I preferred Yuya’s ideology. And he grew so much during the BB Arc with Crow too, it was so cute.

Tied for 3rd spot - Yuto and Yuzu Hiragi

Aka... I tried really, really hard to pick one... But I had to give up. Sometimes I say Yuto’s 3rd and Yuzu 2nd and some other days it’s the other way around, and then sometimes I straight up can’t decide. Like today. 

I wasn’t big on Yuto at first at all. He did intrigue me, especially because thanks to him we were introduced to the same-face plot that set off the whole Standard arc in the first place, though that was it. I thought he was cool, a character you can appreciate if he comes up with screen, but don’t actively think of outside of that. Broodingly dark characters tend to piss me off unless they quickly grow on me, which probably added to me not feeling very interested in either him or Shun at the beginning of the show; even with that, I appreciated his rather calm and pacifist nature in comparison to his partner... 

And then Episode 37 happened and I was completely thrown off the charts. His desire to bring smiles to people and to not hurt anyone anymore to the point of refusing to attack Yugo pulled at my heartstrings, and I’m a complete sucker for self-sacrificing characters, so when he protected Yuya at the expense of his own soul and entrusted that desire onto him... I was sold. His influence is rather subtle but shows passionately many times, and I found myself falling in love with his character despite the lack of screentime and dubious characterisation that every XYZ character suffers from; I think he’s the best one out of the trio in that matter, though. And his interactions with Yuzu, Ruri and Yuya are so sweet; overall he’s just a character I can find myself easily toying with and I love his role in the show.

What can I say about Yuzu? She’s my favorite female lead from all YGO series. I found her rather annoying but cute during the first... Ten or so episodes. And then I fell in love with her because holy damn, she’s such an amazing character. She actually Duels, has a beautiful and kickass deck and is deeply involved in the plot from start to end (which is already more than can be said for the other shows), not to mention she’s such an inspiring role model. Yuzu always actively worked to improve herself and it’s refreshing to see her be so open with her feelings and caring for people. She’s so strong and I really enjoyed all the bonds she had with the rest of the cast — when you had half of them going through hell and back to help her, it felt legitimately heartwarming and believable, because she always does her best to forge a connection with people and isn’t afraid to say what she thinks.

She felt like one of the most human characters in the show for me, as her best strength was the power of encouraging and inspiring other people (Yuya, Serena, Yugo just to name a few) rather than being unbeatable or not being allowed to fail. She’s everything and more I could hope from a female lead and she inspires me everyday.

01. Yuya Sakaki

*falls to the ground and sobs*

I can’t even begin to describe how much I love this precious ball of sunshine. Anime protagonists are always without fail a 50/50 chance for me, I either love them with all my soul or I hate them and I’m 200% more invested in other characters. Yuya (un)surprisingly fell into the first category from the very first episode, he’s so adorable and seeing him go on a journey to leave behind his years of bullying and depression and turn into someone he can be proud of is hands down the most inspiring thing in this series. 

He genuinely makes me so happy and his character development is the very thing that made me invested in ARC V in the first place, I will never get enough of what an amazing and compelling protagonist he is. His attitude of trying to stay happy and make the people around him happy as well, but ultimately falling victim to his own emotions and crashing hard against reality is so brutally and openly real that my heart aches just from thinking of it. I’ve learned with him as I watched the show; as an audience we experienced the same happiness, sadness and pain that he went through, and I’m so proud of him for getting so far and never giving up despite all the odds always being against him.

He’ll always hold a special place in my heart, he’s so important to me and I’m just really glad he exists! 

[morningstarlucemon]

Exodus Lore: the Legendary Warriors, Holy Angels, and Great Demon Lords

So, since this will be relevant to any Warrior, Holy Angel, or Demon Lord muses who chose to interact with either of my Exodus (blog main) verses, I wanted to put this out there and clear up the exact history of these important figures in the history of Exodus, and Lucemon’s relationships to all of them. I will touch briefly on the Knights, as well. But as we have less set in stone for them, their lore is much looser and more open.

As in Frontier, Lucemon existed long before the Warriors did. They were one of the first beings to come into existence aside from the those who existed in the primordial soup of the Digital World (while this does include the data that makes up the Warriors, they did not exist in their individual forms as we know them, so Lucemon as an individual entity is older).

Lucemon is the youngest in an original Pantheon of angels which included such beings as the Holy Trinity, along with some less historically preserved characters such as Bagramon.

(x)

The full list of angels in the original Pantheon (as of right now; more may be added later), is as follows:

Lucemon - Lucemon FM

Seraphimon - Seraphimon Fallen - Daemon

Ophanimon - Ophanimon Fallen - Lilithmon

Cherubimon - Cherubimon Vice - Belphamon

Holydramon - Barbamon

Marinangemon - Leviamon

Valkyrimon - Beelzemon

Bagramon - Bagramon Fallen

Hartmon - Morrigumon

Rasielmon - Grandracmon

Dominimon - Gulfmon

Guardiangemon - unfallen

Clavisangemon - unfallen

Darcmon - unfallen

Mastemon - status unknown

These angels were a product of Drasil wanting a justice system for the Digital World. This is the group who was charged with ending the Human-Beast War, the resolution of which was most heavily credited to Lucemon. But due to several defecting in various ways over several centuries, the majority of the original Pantheon was culled, the strongest seven being branded with the Seals of Sin. These are the mons who would go down in history as the Seven Great Demon Lords.

(x)

The two exceptions to those strongest mons who were branded were Bagramon, and Rasielmon, as they were the first to be cast out for distributing the X-Antibody throughout the Digital World during the X-Death era, and were not among those who took part in the first Great War of Heaven.

The Royal Knights were made to compensate for this massive loss in security programming, with far less free will than the Angels ever had, to avoid another mass rebellion. The Holy Trinity (second generation) of angels was re-created, as well. Though they served more as a symbol of the Light in the Digital World and figureheads of peace, and had little actual duty to the Digital World as a whole aside from their appointed role as “peace keepers.” All of these new mons were individually less powerful than the original Pantheon, as well, to avoid any one of them growing too strong. However, this does make any one-to-one fight against one of the Fallen entirely skewed in the Fallen’s favor. This is why the Knights were created to function as a unit.

The Warrior Ten did not come into existence until well into the Demon Lords’ campaign against Drasil, at which point they were not called the Warriors. They were initially theorized by some to be a product of the Sovereigns, but while they both seemed to emerge from the same raw data of the world, the Warriors showed no servitude toward them as the Devas did. So common Digimon as well as the Demon Lords and related mons were left without a proper explanation for these unique and quite powerful new Digimon.

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Perhaps surprisingly, at first the Demon Lords and the Warriors did not have qualms with each other. The Warriors saw themselves as protectors of the natural world, and the Demon Lords saw themselves as protectors of the spiritual world. And unlike the Royal Knights, the Warriors had no obligation to Drasil, and hardly interacted with it at all. As long as their World was not threatened, the Warriors had no reason to fight with the Demon Lords or anyone else.

The conflict arose after Bagramon’s disappearance from the Dark Area at the hands of the Royal Knights. Lucemon, the youngest but most ambitious member of the original Pantheon, was crowned King of the Dark Area, and given the role of ruler in Bagramon’s absence. With their progenitor, a mon they considered the champion of those cast away by the world at large, missing at the hand of Drasil’s underlings, Lucemon was beyond enraged. They vowed to take down Drasil by any means necessary, even if that meant becoming a god themselves.

Lucemon set on a mission to become the strongest and wisest Digimon in existence. This started with a war to conquer the entirety of the world itself, which progressed with terrifying success on the part of the Demon Lords. This is when the initial concern began among the Warriors. However, they did not escalate into full-out warfare until Lucemon began to devour parts of the world to feed their power-- threatening not only what they protected, but their very existence.

They fought long and hard against Lucemon, and were the first enemy to truly slow their progress. With Lucemon’s immense following and ever-rising power, the Knights were no longer any match. They had long achieved the title of strongest individual Digimon in the Digital World, and were slowly attempting to rise above their god status to take on the Core Kernel. And along with this overflow of power, Lucemon’s sanity began to wane as they took greater and greater risks. The Warriors knew not of the finer workings of Heaven, and only that their home was being destroyed, and the curator of all this destruction needed to be stopped.

But then, they hit a plateau. They were able to stop Lucemon from devouring what was left of the world, but Lucemon had far surpassed their power and was getting closer and closer to attacking the code of the universe directly. With no other options, they reached out to legends of old. it had been told that the Sovereigns had become gods through the partnership of humans-- beings from an entirely different world. And with the entire world on the line, the Warriors sent out a desperate plea for help. A group of children answered the call, coming to the Warriors’ sides in battle, and aiding them in achieving their utmost power.

It all came to a head when the Warriors confronted Lucemon as one unit. Lucemon had been planning their final attack on Drasil, despite several of the Demon Lords defecting from the cause due to Lucemon’s growing insanity. And when the Warriors confronted them, they were caught completely off-guard. How this was achieved has been lost to history. But the fight went down with the Warriors having the advantage of preparation. To give them even more of a leg-up in the battle, Lucemon had long been neglecting their physical and physiological needs for favor of absorbing raw data, and they had grown unsteady. However, this did not take away from their godly power, the affects of which would leave the Warriors severely damaged, some being mortally injured in the battle. Lucemon was only brought down when the children merged the Warriors’ spirits into Susanoomon, who was finally able to defeat Lucemon and lock their data away in the Core of the Dark Area - the condensed heart of the Digital World from which Yggdrasil's roots grew. Lucemon was damaged so severely in the battle, that the data they had stolen from the world left their form, and returned to the Digital World, making it whole once again.

However, many of the Warriors did not survive the battle. All except AncientGreymon and AncientGarurumon perished in the hours after the battle ended, and their spirits reverted into totems which the two remaining Warriors kept very close to them. These two would be the ones to send the children back to the Human World. They would remain for several more decades, acting as the world’s Last Guardians and bringing down a few other major threats who arose in Lucemon’s wake while the world rebuilt itself. Then, once their lives were also spent, their spirits reverted into totems, as did the others. These totems were later sought out and gathered by the Royal Knights, and ordered under lock and key by Drasil to prevent anyone form gaining access to them.

As for the other Demon Lords, the ones who remained to fight were scattered about. Belphamon was knocked down to one of his lower forms, and disappeared some time after the battle was over. Lilithmon vanished before the battle started-- an occurrence Lucemon blamed on the Warriors. Leviamon was sealed in a cavern in the deepest ocean by AncientMermaimon, left in eternal darkness. Daemon abandoned the fight mid-battle, seeing that Lucemon would lose; he has planned to absorb Lucemon’s data, but was prevented from doing so when the Warriors sealed them away. Barbamon was defeated and slunk off to a cave in a mountain in the far reaches of the Digital World, where he grew his hoard and avoided the average populous. Beelzemon had left long before the battle started, wanting to part in Lucemon’s tyrannical conquest. Many of them remained trapped for eons before eventually being released by one method or another. The rest simply remained in the shadows, the fallout from the lost battle so great that they knew the world would never accept them.

Lucemon remained in the Dark Area for four thousand years, and was presumed dead by most of the world. Drasil would rewrite and retell history several times over the course of the years, going as far as to hard reset the world and erase the memory of everyone on the mortal and sometimes celestial levels, as humans continued to find their way into the Digital World despite its best efforts. The Dark Area and the Core within, however, were immune to these resets, and the denizens therein would remember everything. There are very few Digimon who can recount the history of the Digital World as it really happened, and even fewer who are willing to talk about it. This has left most of the world without a proper history of the Digital World. A Monoshiri book dictating events prior to the culling of the Pantheon does exist under Belphamon’s possession, but was left in Old Heaven and was only recovered when Lucemon took back that location during the war. Belphamon used this time to add events he had been recording from the past several eras to the book, before it was once again wrenched from his hands. The book has been lost ever since, likely hidden away somewhere in the ruins of Old Heaven-- a location not considered to exist at all by the Digital World at Large. A copy of this book does exist in the hands of modern High Scribes (such as Bokomon), but this is not the original book. If you ask and of the original Pantheon, you will get accounts from varying viewpoints which vary wildly from what commonly circulated history books say.

The shifting of power and intrusion of humans continues to this day in the Digital World, the latest being the rise of eaters in the Digital World. Drasil has blamed this on human involvement, and remains adamant that humans do not belong in the Digital World.

Full List of Powerful Digimon in Exodus (Will be added to as time goes by.)