#i had a breakdown and never recovered from it im still exhausted

[formulapisces]

still awake, i’m at the point where i actually miss stressing about things which weren’t OCD related. why cant i just be stressed about work? or have anxiety about deadlines? or be nervous about a presentation i have coming up? i cant even imagine doing that anymore because i’m too caught up in whatever OCD theme has decided to torment me for the week

[77pupu33pipo]

so sorry feel free to skip, big rant ahead.. but good ending :)

i really hope i can get free university tuition for the next year.. there are two vacant positions atm and i think i have a great chance of getting one.. i enrolled last year with 50% discount based on exam results but this discount is only kept if you stay high enough in student ratings and it kept me awake at night throughout the year and feeling guilty, and the workload was completely draining, and i was physically unwell and um. 0 friends and so i had a complete mental breakdown at the end of the year + a failed class and no year-end thesis which meant i needed an individual plan for the next year which meant no discount AND additional pay for extra courses. Decided to drop out, but instead re-enrolled in the same program for the second time to preserve 50% exam discount which is still appliable. Asked for credit recovery for all of the courses i actually completed last year and bless the faculty office because they agreed and spent this year taking my sweet time recovering and attending uni 3 times a week for language classes and thesis. And funny thing is i did pretty well last year. But complete burn out and absolutely shattered mental health, i really couldnt do it anymore. and i don't think ive recovered from it completely, i now resent the thought of any kind of confrontation or trying hard at something or taking an additional interest in something because that just means more work and thought. none of it pays off. i now give up when met with the smallest inconvenience and pushing through with anything is too much. i played The Sims Fucking 3 University one time and got so anxious and mad because the memory was painful. And i dont even remember the stuff that happened during last year that well at all, its all a complete haze, like it never even happened, but somehow still had its consequences. but like pretty much everyone was going through the same stuff in the same circumstances, but i didnt see anyone else struggling that much so i ended up thinking i am a wimp just wasting our and others' time and money and didnt complain or express my worries to anyone. i didnt exactly have anyone to express them to but well....

on the bright side i think I have succeeded in developing a "fuck-all" mentality in the last year and i hope to utilize it next time i am met with the same workload. Plus my groupmates this year round are amazing. i struggle to form close friendships or acquaintences, but they are all very nice and sweet and supportive of one another, its really nothing ive ever seen of classmates or colleagues. And i also think i have made good progress in learning Finnish and have regained just a bit of my passion for linguistics, i wouldnt want to resent the field forever because if it comes to academics i dont think im suited for anything else. my mother has been nagging me about taking what is essentially a gap year, and saying i was making stuff up when i told her about my decision and that ive been really struggling for the past year, even though i was just wailing at the time. But its alright i guess, i don't take it to close to heart, although it does make me so mad sometimes.

im better off now, but im still so scared of plunging back into all that anxiety, restlessness, exhaustion, competition and feelings of stupidity and inferiority. I have mostly dealt with the last two, but i dont think i will be able to take the stress if it is the same as last year. If i stay on paid tuition, then i have to continue securing my discount. And that means extra work in every subject, because you can't get max and pre-max grade by just completing the course perfectly, you're required to do extra work for the last two marks. I realize and understand that this is a common system, but jesus fucking christ i want to be able to choose not to do so and still continue studying like normal, not be handicapped in learning stuff i actually have to learn in other subjects because of useless shit i need to waste my time on for that sweet sweet 9 or 10. and you're competing both with people like you on paid tuition AND with people on free tuition who have some issues i think as the difference between mark 8 and mark 10 is only seen in the student rating and not recorded in the diploma, and the student rating does not mean jack shit if you're on free tuition, literally no one cares for it outside of calculating discounts and transfering from paid to free tuition. I don't want to think badly of those on free tuition who choose to compete in the system, but i believe i have become too senstitive about this topic. I want to bonk them with a cardboard tube to make them change their minds and see the appeal of being free to fuck all when it comes to grades and just do what they actually enjoy in the academics field or on the side, but that doesnt happen.

and so i have a pretty good chance of getting on free tuition with my current grades. I worked my ass off last year with most of the courses, and i got a "great" on both language classes and thesis this year. As far as i know, im first in rating among those on paid tuition. im sending mind control waves to faculty so that they give me that free tuition. i promise i will get worse grades on purpose so that people who are still stuck in clinging to discount hell have a bit of an easier time. i'll read papers for fun and find joy in learning new things again. i will do minimum wage monotone work needed for dictionaries or corpora like all the cool kids. Fuck it, i will do some afterclass activities now that ill be able to afford to spend my free time on random shit. ill attend historical dance meetings regularly, its really fun. ill make some friends even. just PLEASE give me the free tuition. if i don't, i will sigh deeply and continue trying to grind, but ill be upset.

maybe i need to stop whining and just go on with it like everybody did, but pleaseeeeeee. I think i worked hard. I completed every assignment without taking a look at how much it weighed in the grade formula. I helped fellow students when they struggled with something. I had almost perfect attendance. THIS stupid thing will change my life, stupid thing being free tuition. i cant afford to not get a mind boggling cool education, my family will execute me. Please just let me get my stupid little linguistics degree (i mean it includes programming and maths so.) and go on with my life... ...

[unopenablebox]

ed cw, comma, general dickishness from me relating thereto

so 🌸 and i were both College Anorexics together. and bonded partially thru being an eating support group for each other and getting really into aggressive verbal affirmations about how good it is to eat things, calories are good for you, eat whatever is nice whenever you’re hungry etc. and are now both ostensibly eating disorder recovered

my “ostensibly” is like, planning my life so that i consistently eat all the necessary meals takes effort, and i will sometimes fail to expend that effort if i’m otherwise exhausted. and if i’m already really miserable and have to skip a meal i will get very weird about how i’m doing fasting penance. however in my day to day i am in fact pretty contented with eating absolutely whatever tastes good in a way that is optimizing for enjoyment, calories, and not being sick later, in that order

🌸..... is supposedly totally recovered. and i think believes that they are. but they also, immediately post-~recovery, ..............became vegan. i know, i know, morals, environment; but if it’s like. immediately after you supposedly stop restricting. then i feel suspicion about what your replacement restrictive food rules are actually doing for you.

also they have a thing about exercise that they claim is because they have mood & sleep dependence on very frequent (every other day) long runs, which also became much more obvious post-ana-recovery than pre-. i guess it’s just supposed to be a coincidence that they get intensely miserable and anxious specifically right before dinner if they are considering skipping their run and just eating because they’re hungry. but i don’t.... believe that? i think it’s still an ED thing. this stresses me out, not least because i feel guilty about accusing them of that, but also bc attempting to speak only on the level of the acknowledged text of what’s happening vis-a-vis the running-based emotional breakdowns is getting increasingly incoherent

it’s not like so directly hashtag triggering me, because i never really had an exercise thing and am physiologically incapable of any cardio (except swimming which is too many steps for my brain to enact anyway). however, having an issue come up frequently that has secret unspeakable undercurrents is. exhausting

this post is already too long but i’m also a little bit mad about it because their running neurosis makes them say things like “well i’m too tired to do anything meaningful tonight anyway, so i might as well just run now and then tomorrow i’ll be alert and can get stuff done” and im like. well. you and i were just interacting for the first time all week, but okay, enjoy your meaningful activities. glad your miserable nailbiting desperation to leave our warm apartment with just-prepared food you like and me who you allegedly missed, and go run outside in icy 20˚F while starving, is definitely not happening for any sort of subtextual reason

[mxvladdy]

wait holy shit youre taking requests???? okay first of all, im in love with your writing skills especially those true forms they are *chefs kiss* magnifique. second, may i request for an angst but fluff ending prompt for barbatos/simeon/solomon (im an absolute simp for them) about MC having a really bad asthma attack and coupled with anxiety attack? (totally not me lmao) please and thank you! sorry for being too specific!

A/N: Oshbagosh! I hope you are good fam! You have excellent taste in simpin ngl Barbatos came out of left field for me, though I am weak for a quick wit and sharp tongue lol. And thank you for liking my works! Sorry, this took so long;.;

I hope my research was good and accurate! 

Barbatos

Does not know what is going on at first. Were you having an allergic reaction to something you ate? Had you gotten into some Devildom spices he hadn’t secured well enough?

Panics internally. He is very ready to spend the exurbanite amount of energy it would take to turn back the clocks before you started wheezing. 

Externally he keeps a level head, glad his gloves hide how sweaty his palms are. He remembers then your human medical file. 

He tends to you quickly grabbing your medication and carrying you away from whatever triggered this attack. 

“Do you need a doctor?” Barbatos asks for the umpteenth time. He runs a gloved hand up and down your back. You shake your head weakly coughing to try and dislodge some phlegm now breakdown in your throat. You take a shaky breath feeling your airways loosen, the fresh air that fills your lungs taste so sweet. 

“I’ll be ok Barb.” You wheeze taking another deep inhale from your inhaler. “Stop hovering and sit please, you are starting to stress me out more.” The demon makes a weird tutting noise in distress but comes to sit next to you. You lean back with a groan. The garden wall was rough on your back but you didn’t care at the moment. It had been so long since you had a flare-up you had almost forgotten what it felt like. You shift over slightly seeking out the heat of your companion's body. Exhausted you flop over to rest your head on his shoulder.

“Here let me.” He pulls out his ornate handkerchief and starts whipping at your nose and eyes. “What triggered this love? Have I missed someplace in my cleaning?” He knew he didn’t, never in all his years had he ever missed a spot. He would retire in shame if he did, but he felt like he had to fill the silence. If you were talking that meant you were alright. Right? He curses at himself. He thought he knew more about humans than this, yet you somehow threw curveball after curveball at him. He needs you to be safe and happy yet he choked on something like this? Perhaps he would suffer more of Solomon’s companionship to pick his brain on human ailments. As long as he could dodge eating any of his cooks.   

You fidget as he cleans your face and fusses over you, but you let him. This was for his benefit more than yours. “No, I think it's pollen. Your plants are not something I’m used to yet, and with the wind, it just hit harder.” He grunts, not pleased with your answer. He could do anything about the plants, and things out of his control were few and far between. You catch the inner argument he was having with his many selves and scoff. “Barb-” You take the cloth from him and tuck it in your pocket. “You and all your selves absolutely cannot control my illness, and that's ok.” He doesn’t look convinced, no doubt looking for a loophole in the webs he weaves. 

“Given the time I-” He stops at your withering look. “I don’t like not being in control.” Your look softens. 

“Who does?” You clear your throat finally feeling a bit more like yourself. Well, at least the garden wasn’t spinning anymore. “There. I think I can manage. Can you help me to the nurses' office? I should get a check-up since it’s been a while since I’ve had an attack. Then I think I’m going to call it a day.” 

Barbatos nods helping you to your shaky feet. His hands locked around your arm like he was afraid you would crumble again. You give him a reassuring look and lean into his weight. You didn’t need it, but it was a nice feeling, being looked after. Besides, it was so rare to get his sole attention. “I’ll inform the young master  that we will be taking the rest of the day off.” 

“We?” 

“Of course.”  He says resolutely. “Unless you wish for me to leave?” He barely contains his smile when he feels your hands squeeze tighter around his bicep. 

“As long as I’m not impeding.” Your words are half-hearted at best. You don’t give a damn if it throws off some super-secret agenda, you were happy to have more time with him. He calmed your nerves. 

Simeon

He hadn’t meant to trigger an attack. The weather outside was simply lovely.  It was dry and warm with a breeze that made grass dance in a mesmerizing way. The track around one of the Devildom’s many bodies of crystalline water was beautiful at this time of the day. He had to share his enthusiasm.

He just wanted to go for a walk with you. He had so much to talk about with you that he forgot how long his legs are compared to yours. He was so excited he didn’t realize how fast his gait is and how much you were struggling to keep up with him. He didn’t realize your troubles until he felt a sweaty palm on his wrist. 

Openingly gets panicked but knows about human medicine and where you store your inhaler. 

Simeon breathes deeply through his nose and out his mouth. One deep inhale and one long exhale- focus just focus. His chest clenches in alarm at your shallow pants, his eyesight narrowing down to pinpricks. Blessedly he keeps a steady hand.

“Slowly now my dear.” He shakes your inhaler before bringing it to your lips. His strong fingers massaging your jaw to loosen it. Squeezing your cheeks he slips the apparatus past your teeth noticing how glassy your eyes were becoming. “Inhale.” He orders thanking his father you understand him enough to comply.  He watches you like a hawk till he hears your heartbeat steady. Once he is sure he could look away he calls Lucifer. He doesn’t remember what he said, but he knew it was a panic-fueled rush.

“Simeon,” He looks up from his phone. “I’m ok…” You wheeze blinking up into the afternoon moons. Simeon shushes you running his warm hands over your cheeks. They were ice-cold despite the heat. He warms his palms with magic watching the fog clear from your gaze. “Thanks.” 

“You shouldn’t thank me.” He pulls away, shaking his head. “This is my fault. I apologize, my dove.” You chuckle breathlessly becoming aware of your surroundings. Last thing you remember was walking up the shoreline. Now the hardwood of the bench pokes at your back. Had you collapsed here? Or did Simeon carry you over? “I should have been more aware of the situation.” He pulls at his hair in frustration. His lower lip turns red as he worries it with his teeth.

You swat his hand away from his hair wincing in sympathy when a few chunks of hair that follow. Linking his dexterous fingers with your clammy ones, you trace the lines in his palm with your thumb. You try to breathe in time with the steady rise and fall of his chest letting your meds take full effect. Your breathing was better, but you still had spots in your vision. “It’s not your fault really. I should have told you when I started feeling bad.” 

“I should have noticed. How can I protect you if I can’t even realize your limitations?” He bemoans. You exhale a jerky laugh. Your lungs throbbing with the sharp movement. It ached for sure, but not enough that you couldn’t get up. Ignoring his protests you get off the bench and pull him up with you.  

“None of that!” You wag a finger in his face. I’m allowed to panic, not you. You try to make light of the situation but your finger trembles in his face.  “You did exactly what you should have so don’t doubt yourself. Sides’-” You clasp yours. hands together playing with your thumbs. “I got horribly distracted too, and pushed myself.” 

“By what?” 

“You.” Your cheeks heat in embarrassment. “ You were so excited to have the day with me I didn’t want to ruin the mood.”

Simeon blinks. “You-didn’t want to ruin the mood by telling me you were having an asthma attack?” You shrug, a childish smile crossing your face. Unbelievable. Simeon swears under his breath. “I-I am at a loss for words.” He places both his hands on your shoulders squeezing them. “I will find them later and then we'll talk about your amazing lack of self-preservation, but for now, Lucifer is waiting for us at the nurses' office.” Not giving you time to argue he scoops you up, arm holding you under your knees and securely around your shoulders.  Once he knew you were safe, he would make sure to have an eye on you at all times.

Solomon

The dusty old library located in the catacombs of the school was a dead giveaway to be trouble for your lungs. You both knew that. He warns you, the moment you feel ill they are leaving, no questions, no arguments. Very much the calmest of the three. He is human...mostly… so he knows the signs and can catch it much faster than the others. 

Still worried about you though. You aren’t a mage,  just his regular old human. 

When he gets nervous he makes jokes. Not appropriate given the circumstances but they just come out. So while he is dragging you from the school he is making the obligatory joke about him taking your breath away.

He will have whatever medications or potions he can think of at the ready for you to use if you need them. Won’t baby you or hover, you’ve lived with this for long he doesn’t want to insult you in any way. But he will keep close and have his ringer on loud in case you need him.

But now he wants you to rest and recover. He’ll keep you company though.

You gaze sleepily out of the bedroom window propped up on an exorbitant amount of puffs and pillows. You breathe out with caution, testing to see if you were still having any lingering effects from being down in the catacombs. It wasn’t anything too serious this time, thankfully. The moment you started clearing your throat and breathing just a little too hard to be considered normal, Soloman had grabbed both your bags and dragged you from the moldy and dusty space. You were a little put out at how quickly your asthma had acted up. You had just found the book you were looking for too. 

“If you keep squirming out of your blankets I’ll seal you in there with magic.” Your captor friend appears, pulling aside the drapes around his bed to sit next to you. He flashes you a cocky grin placing a tray on his bedside table. Solomon scans your face looking for any inkling of pain that might linger. “Is something wrong?”

“I’m hot.” You lie. In truth, the many blankets he wrapped you in felt marvelous, but you were being cantankerous. You wanted to get up and go back to work. The mage raises a pale brow, not believing a word of it.

“Of course you are, my little scholar.” He tucks you in again a little tighter then props your cocooned feet on his legs. “How are you really?” 

You shrug. Compared to other attacks you’ve had this one was thankfully mild.  Most likely because he had whisked you out the winding maze-like library faster than you thought possible. The jitters from the panic attack that followed took more out of you. Luckily for you, Solomon handled that easily too. “You know I want to go back.” You had your hands on the book you wanted when you started feeling a little breathless.  You wanted to believe it was out of excitement for the tomes. But the back of that section of the library was damp, cool, and dark. The perfect trifecta for your lungs to riot. 

Solomon nodded unfazed. “Yes, I’ve come to realize that whenever danger is present you seem to gravitate towards it.” He smiles fondly at your pout. Your thirst for knowledge was almost as insatiable as his, and both of you seemed to have a knack for attracting danger. He watches you fidget in your confines for a little bit more before sighing. “Alright-alright, I get the drift hold still.”  Leaning over you he loosens the covers around your arms to give you a little bit of freedom. As soon as you were free you pinch his nose hard in retaliation. “Oi!”  He laughs pulling back to rub at his nose. “Such violence! And here I came bearing gifts!” 

“That’s for insulting me!” You huff settling back down. “I hope it’s food, I’m starving.” You eye him expectantly. 

“Feed you? After that assault? My, you are brazing.” He picks up the tray he brought despite himself. The school cafe was serving your favorites today. Placing it on your lap he brushes his lips across your cheek. “Plus, I made tea.” You hum in excitement, eyes lighting up with glee. While he couldn’t cook worth a damn (you chalk it up to him irretrievably destroying his sense of taste and smell tolling over potions for years). He did have amazing luck with blending tea leaves and spices. A skill he severely took for granted. 

You pick up the tea and breath deeply only to have a coughing fit. His warm broad hands are there in an instant pushing you back into the pillows. “Sorry-sorry. Still a bit tender.” You smile through watery eyes. “It smells great!” 

“Does it? What do you smell? I admit, I just picked out things that looked pretty together.” He flushes pink rubbing at the back of his neck. 

You take the cup again and sniff. It had a hint of springtime in it, warm and sharp. Something earthy mixed with fire. You take a sip. “Hmm, spicy. Is that licorice?” Solomon nods. 

“It is indeed, I read that licorice and black pepper can help with asthma symptoms and circulation. I figured it could wash the  taste of your meds away.” He jokes watching you eat and take small sips of the steaming brew. He smiles to himself, glad you could get so comfortable in his room. Perhaps once you were dozing he could slip back into the library and conveniently “borrow” the book you had to leave earlier.

[queer-crusader]

Okay update on my life since it seems talking about it doesn’t trigger another panic attack/breakdown:

So i graduated in july right

And with the end of uni, my student funding ends too

So i look for a job bc i cannot sustain myself otherwise

Except the economy is shit, because the UK is handling the pandemic almost worse than any other country in the world (we love that)

Knowing i’ll need some financial support to tie me over, i apply to universal credit

I also know my roommate, who i’ve lived with for 5 years, is moving out in october, and i will need to find someone to replace her or i end up paying £1000/month for living in this flat, which i don’t have of course

Job search becomes more frantic and exhausting and stressful

Also my dad started throwing up at some point and is eating less and is very specific about not upsetting his stomach. This is strange because he is known for his iron stomach and has not thrown up in years. I know my family history, i have my suspicions, but the doctor says it could be an ulcer. It could be fine, but my brain jumps to the worst-case scenario, because why wouldn’t it? More stress

Universal credit gets back to me - application denied

I think, hey, the category they filed me under seems wrong, i should be a habitual resident, not an EEA jobseeker, because i’ve lived here 6 years now. So i apply for an appeal, explaining the situation

Few weeks later, i receive a letter. Appeal rejected. It goes into detail how some rule that was set up in 2016 (Brexit year) lists all the reasons why just living here for 6 years, building up contacts, creating a future, feeling at home, being allowed to vote for Scottish parliament elections, is not good enough. Every sentence is like a punch in the gut. The letter boils down to fancy government words that translate to “you’re a freeloading immigrant who, according to our records, might as well be living in Fiji, and we’re giving you fuck all. Good luck surviving”

Full-blown breakdown ensues, because I’ve been fearing this ever since i arrived but was told by EVERYONE that that fear is ridiculous. I fit in, i belong, i sound English, i’m fluent, i’m passionate and well-educated about local politics, etc. I knew it wouldn’t be good enough. Race doesn’t matter; I’m European, and for the UK government, that’s good enough.

Anyway, cue the next day, and my mum phones me with news

My dad is in hospital. Turns out i was right - bowel cancer. He’s going into emergency surgery the very next day to get a tumour removed

I don’t sleep that night, for obvious reasons

Dad comes out of surgery fine, they got the whole thing, took some extra tests to see if it spread but it’s looking good so far. Meanwhile i have images of my dad, skinny as hell and with a tube up his nose seared into my brain

I fly home two days later to be with my family, who obviously need me

My dad is cleared of cancer, which is AWESOME, but we do learn that if the doctors had waited a couple days longer he could have had a perforated bowel. My mum is furious with the GP who underestimated the case

I get in touch with my landlady, saying “hey, this is my life right now, i am not in a position to search for a roommate replacement. Here’s the pics we took of the flat, can you look yourself? Also, if i don’t find a job by the end of the month, I may have to move out as well due to financial struggles, so keep in mind there’s a chance you’re going to have to look for two new tenants”

Landlady’s reply: “oh i can’t afford for the flat to be empty so i’m gonna sell it now”

So now i don’t even have an option of keeping the flat. I’ll have to move out, job or not. I can’t afford a new flat, and i can’t look for one bc a) pandemic and b) im in another country looking after my recovering dad (who is still losing weight btw, 15kg or 30-something lbs or 2.5 stone in a month, it’s horrible to see but at least he’s feeling a little better each day)

If i lose my flat, i may not be able to get a UK job. If i don’t get a UK job, chances are, i can not return to Scotland

6 years of living here, of building friendships, contacts and connections, skills for a career (which is also down the drain - theatre, an industry that is currently being killed by a lovely combo of the UK govt and the pandemic), a home, a love for the county, an intimate knowledge of the workings here, the language, the system, the stories, the history, i almost know the system here better than the Dutch one - my entire adult life. I may lose.

There is a chance i’ll be able to cling on, and god im fighting for it with the few spoons i have after all this stress, but the chance of me losing everything is equally plausible.

I have now flown back to Scotland where I put myself in self-isolation

In a week, my roommate will have moved out and i have 10 or so days left stuck in this place all by myself

I will spend this time packing up all my belongings, choosing what to take back to my parents’ place with me and what to put into storage, which i will pay for with my remaining savings and some financial support from the parents (they can’t afford much tho, my mum is unemployed and on benefits and my dad is a freelancer recovering from fucking surgery. I have no idea what their financial situation is right now, but apparently they’re okay-ish with their savings. Still, stress, and i don’t wanna burden them even more)

Then there’s the hope that the lockdown won’t have regressed back to that point where every plane is cancelled, and i’m stuck in this country without a place to call my home. (Don’t worry, i won’t end up on the street if this happens, I have friends willing to shelter me until i can fly home if they have to)

And once i’ve left, it’s only a question of when, and more promenently if, I’ll be able to return here, to Scotland.

I have never been this stressed, and i have never been this terrified. I am angry all the time (yes you can read that in Zuko’s voice lmao), I’m exhausted, and i’m fuelled by spite against prime minister Blow-Job and sheer stubbornness in refusing to feel like shit, because i just can’t be bothered with that. I just about manage to get through the day, to get up at a reasonable time, to feed myself, to shower, to exercise (because if i don’t, my wonky hip will give me hell and i’ll be in agony on top of my depression and anxiety. We love functioning bodies). But I’ll be okay. I’m trying to find solutions for everything, one step at a time. I’m taking care of myself the best i can. And if you wonder where my writing updates are, or my shitposts, or my ridiculously excited tags, then firstly, thank you for noticing ohmygod i love you, and secondly, know that i’ll be back. If God exists, know im kicking their ass. Fuck all this bullshit, my life is a mess but i REFUSE to let it stop me in my tracks. I’m too powerful, i am Brian David Gilbert’s interpretation of Sonic (either a god or can kill god and it doesn’t matter which). I’m gonna keep on truckin.

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

Always being left behind in the dark

OK so heres the written continuation of my dark side au angst comic! The next comic/ art piece will be a continuation of this piece as a heads up!! Be sure to look at the comic first so this makes more sense!

Warning: Theres angst ahead, with mentions of unsympathetic virgil and minor violence( to dolls and furniture), and small emotional breakdowns and starts of panic attacks

Buckle up guys we’re going into the angst!

There was a quiet, a tense charged quiet that filled the large bedroom. The room was dark, with even darker silhouettes of furniture dotting the room along with pulsing, faintly glowing purple strings strung everywhere like delicate stitching in fabric. It just barely illuminated the mess, the thrown aside knick knacks and trinkets, the papers scattered everywhere like a tornado had run through. It showed the trashed shelves and slashes in the table and couch and dresser, some even barely visible on the wall. 

And there he was in the center, body tense and shaking. Shadow limbs trembled as they protruded from his back, long dark and spindly and gently entangling in the strings.

Virgil panted hard, hands still pressed harshly to his eyes to dry the small trickle of tears that slipped down his cheeks and gritted his teeth. 

“ aaaaaaaaAuUuUuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!” 

The room around him seemed to twitch and shudder with his enraged, pained deepened scream, strings pulsing from the emotion. As the sound slowly faded he slowly let his hands drop, two sets of glowing eyes locked on the now damanged dolls, watching the stuffing leak from the slashes with an unnatural amount of intensity. He body shook more and tears burned again as he stared at the four dolls, wrapped in string but still sitting on one of the few untouched shelves.

“ Why....why does this always happen....” His voice teetered with emotions he hadnt shown in years. Emotions he hadnt allowed himself to feel since Roman...

Since Roman had......

His eyes flickered to the doll at the end, its half peach half yellow face slashed across just barely missing taking off its brown button eye. 

And now Deceit had...

His sharp teeth gnashed together again as his hands curled into painfully tight fists as he fought the memories that tried to flash across his mind. Tried to push back and shove away the memories of deep laughs and soft smiles with crinkling red eyes, of tipped bowler hats and sly smiles and nights of comfort. His head throbbed, chest pounding with his throat constricting. Suddenly everything seemed foreign to him, nothing familiar or comforting. Virgil’s breathing picked up faster and faster and he clutched at his head with a choked scream that barely left his throat. He couldnt see he couldnt breathe and he couldnt think of anything else anyone else--

There was a crack under his feet and his knees gave out, making him sink to the carpeted floor with a soft, muted thud as he wrapped his arms around himself, shadowy limbs wrapping around him protectively as well. He screwed his leaking eyes tight and shuddered as he struggled to quell his nearly consuming panic, to slow and strengthen his breathing. It was so much more difficult without Deceit or Remus there to help him through it, to talk him out of his dark dark thoughts. But they werent here right now, for differing reasons. He struggled to ease the pain in his chest, a pain he hadnt felt since that night all those years back when he let himself crumble into Remus’s firm embrace, a pain he hadn’t experienced since he’d been cooped away in the darkest, furthest, most covered part of the imagination with Remus’s arms around him protectively and Deceits voice soothing his thoughts. 

But now deceit’s part in that memory caused more pain, along with a flash of hot anger. Or maybe that heat was from the now fully flowing tears that dripped off his chin. So instead he tried to focus on the wild green side. 

“ C’mon vee...just breathe with me! Lets breathe stupid breaths and the you can punch me or something to get out the anger! Now that’ll be fun right?”

As his voice floated in from his memories he curled himself into a ball, raspy breathes being forced in and out...in and out...in...and back out...

It took a lot longer than Virgil would ever want to admit, but eventually his breathing evened out into something stable and calm. But now his whole body felt heavy and numb, and despite how much he may have wanted to... Virgil couldn’t bring himself to get up. He slumped a bit, like a deflating bounce house, as the limbs vanished and the strings dulled and faded until it was like they hadn’t even been there to begin with. Virgil’s eyes, his one set of eyes, slowly lost their glow and drooped closed as he sat there trembling. All he focused on was keeping his breathing steady, nothing else around him. He was too focused to notice the sound of footsteps approaching his room, to notice the disaster his room, his safe haven, had become. He pushed away the memories back into the back of his mind, too exhausted to hurt for awhile. In its absence was resentment, a bitter nearly acidic mix of regret and contempt. 

He was alone in that darkness, a darkness that had covered and comforted him through other episodes and breakdowns and tantrums like this one before. He was alone there, as he always seemed to be now. Alone...and left behind for something-for someone-better.

Left behind in the dark like an unwanted toy was the bitter comparison Virgil’s mind made.

And it was there his walls cracked a little more, and the anger bottled further deep inside him, and he stayed slumped there in the middle of his carpet in a limp, tired silence. His eyes shut and his breathing evening out more as he embraced the darkness and let his mind drift away to recover, never hearing the knock on his door....

Tada!! The second part of the dark sides angst is done!!!

I got really inspired to get this done and it got done faster than I expected it too!! But im happy with how it turned out( for some reason people say im good at writing angst?? I guess??) And now its time to work on the next art installment!! 

I hope you guys like it!!

taglist

@phantommoonpeople

@sweetsweetemo

@leesacrakon

@amazable01

@starbucks-remy

@jemthebookworm

@max-is-tired

@seriously-a-dragon

@sar-kasstic

@soupspam

@riarites

@yalltookmyurlideas

@strawberryjellystuff

@sugarglider9603

[bettsfic]

Hey betts, so I need some advice. Let me preface this by saying that my dream school since I was a wee 4th grader has been Duke. I was in their gifted program, I went to summer camp their, and I’ve toured their campus idk how many times. And I applied to go there when I was in hs, and I got in. But I had mental breakdown my senior year of highschool and I went into a deep deep depression that almost lead to me to be hospitalized, so we decided that it would be best for me...

... to stay home for two years and then transfer. Well it’s been two years, I applied, and I got accepted again with enough scholarship that I can go for free (im from Miami) and everyone is encouraging me to go and they think that I’m ready and I can handle it. But How does one know that they’re ready to leave home? Because This is an opportunity that I can’t pass up, but at the same time, I don’t want to get to Duke, and then either burn out or have a mental breakdown ...

... bc I wasn’t ready to leave home and my mental health can’t take it, but who knows if this is my last chance to go to my dream school? 

first, congratulations for getting accepted into duke and earning scholarships. i’m sorry to hear about your mental breakdown, though, but i’m glad you are recovering/recovered.

the truth is, there is never any major change in your life that you will be fully prepared for. every change you encounter will have up-sides and down-sides. for me, going to grad school meant giving up the security of a good job with good benefits but for the reward of pursuing what i love. if you choose to go to duke, you’ll get there and have the both the best and worst times of your life. there will be moments where you think it was a terrible decision, and you consider quitting, and questioning why you took the risk you took. but there will also be times -- many, probably most -- where you’re thrilled to be where you are, and proud of yourself for taking the risk. 

that said, to push against some of the fears you have about going, it’s important to always give yourself an out. you can go to duke for a semester, and if it doesn’t work out, you can go on medical leave or withdraw. there’s no shame in trying something and quitting if it’s not for you, or taking a break. duke seems to want you, so they’ll be patient for you. your scholarship providers saw promise in you, so they’ll continue to see it. everyone is on your side here, and they’ll continue to be. you just have to trust that. 

i think to myself constantly, what if i had stayed at the bank? and the reality is, if i didn’t quit when i did, nothing would have happened. just. nothing. and that’s the sad truth of it. we can sit completely still our entire lives, never forced to move or change or do anything at all. so sure, you could stay home, but -- what would you do? for me anyway, i’m going to have ptsd and depression whether i’m cowering at home or not, so i might as well go out and do stuff. i promise, nothing you encounter will break you. bad things always happen, and i don’t believe in “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” but i do believe in recovery. you recovered from a major breakdown once, so it stands to reason you can survive anything. 

i don’t want to tell you what you should do, but i do think that whenever you have fear-based questions -- what if, what if, what if -- you should also train yourself to think the opposite: what if nothing bad happens? what if you succeed? what if you do feel a bit of burnout and exhaustion but you face it and work through it? what if good things happen? there’s no way you can know what will happen to you, no way you can make a completely informed decision. all you can do is be aware of the potential consequences while moving toward your goals at the pace most conducive to your health.

i hope this helps. the best of luck to you.

[lovelydownfalls]

life update

i haven’t updated you guys in forever :( life these past few months have been the most challenging months of my entire life. i’m constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown. I’ve just been pushing away any negative thoughts and i’ve been trying so so so hard to be positive.  i feel like i’m constantly just “hanging in there.” since ive been avoiding dealing with all this sadness and stress, i can feel it building up and it’s like i’m just waiting to break. i’m scared. life has never been like this, i don’t know how to deal with it.  most of my problems i deal with/have dealt with, i know how to help myself and healthy ways to cope and deal with it bc of therapy, but with this, i’m hangin on by a thread. i’m the most paranoid person ever, so i feel like i can’t share details on here. i’m constantly worrying. i feel like no one understands what’s going on. i don’t know how divorce is supposed to work. or how im supposed to treat my dad. i dont know if i hate him, im so hurt. im struggling so much right now but i haven’t had time to help myself because of how busy ive been. i can barely function just going to work, that exhausts me, but i feel like everyone’s expecting so much from me, and i feel like im constantly letting everyone down. i feel like im the worst friend, the worst person to have any type of relationship. i cannot keep a decent relationship for the life of me. ive been using drugs to numb everything and it’s not working at all. i dont know why i continue to do these stupid things. i don’t know why things are like this right now. i feel like no one understands me. im starting therapy next month, and im not looking forward to it because explaining myself and my life to people is so so hard because i want people to know me 100% and there’s so much thats going on in my head, i dont know where to start. im 10 months clean right now and im so so so so so insanely proud of me. i feel like its not paying off. i feel like im waiting for some big result, but all i get is a few congrats from friends.  it doesnt make sense to work so hard for something if theres no big end result. i know me being recovered is the big result or whatever but it still just gets so exhausting feeling like im fighting so hard for nothing. i’m constantly on edge. my mind is in a million places 24/7. my body image has been so so bad lately, i just feel gross and like everyone secretly thinks i gained a bunch of weight. i fucking hate my paranoid self. my dad comes back from rehab tomorrow.this is the longest i havent seen him. i’m completely numb because i dont know how im supposed to deal with this. “Whatever happens, happens.” i need to cry for hours one day and just get it all out. my heart hurts. i hate myself for being so horrible. i’m just proud of myself for not using self harm as a way to cope with all of this and the other stressful things rn like college and school and work, etc. if you read all this, i love you lots. never wanna be annoying and just mope around, i just needed to rant/put this somewhere because I can’t journal since my mom will read it ;)))) if i stay up later, i’m just gonna get more and more tired/delusional. love you guys xoxoxoxoxo

[taylorftparamore]

I'm not sure if you're interested but have you read this about Selena/her health burnthroughmyskin*tumblr*com/post/165337919738/okay-i-cant-believe-im-going-to-actually-do-this it does seem like people are forgetting about the "chronic" part of her illness

link

i want to warn before anyone responds that skimming this will be quite evident if you attempt to argue before reading as i will attempt to cover as much as i can. this will lean very “pop feminism”, however there are brushes of other types of feminism mentioned.

the thesis statement: how we view female pop stars and their recovery is a direct reflection of our society and we all have an inherent bias against women in their own narratives.

In order to best understand why people view Selena Gomez’s treatment as a “she’s healthy now and will never be sick again”, one must first examine the fear behind why one wants recovery to be as simple as “she got a new kidney, now she’ll never be sick again”. It’s the inherent fear of being sick. This is an overlap where physically disabled people, chronically ill people, addicts, and mentally ill people receive most of their discrimination. It strongly ties into the fear of growing older.

Even men get hit with it, though we are going to disregard the male experience entirely in this thesis as I have little experience with being male for obvious reasons. This will solely focus on the woman’s narrative and how it ties into other isms in our society.

With women, they are expected to be pretty, look youthful, and be healthy for as long as they possibly can. When someone at twenty-five has a chronic illness, this upsets the balance of what women are expected to be. A woman with chronic illness is expected to hide it away in shame. With the rise of social media, this is no longer something celebrities can do. A celebrity in the 1950s would be able to quietly disappear for six months then return as if nothing had happened.

Shirley Temple, the first example (and yr example) of a child starlet did not have the same circus surrounding her as she grew up. Before 2005, the only examples of stalking out a young starlet was limited to those who could afford the cameras to do so. What happened in 2005? Camera phones became easier to acquire, MySpace begin to rise in popularity, and thus our ability to stalk out celebrities became far easier too. While there’s issues regarding celebrity life before 2005, the focus is post 2005 and how it interacts with the need for a narrative.

Narrative wise, “was sick then got better” is a nicer summary than “was sick, then was fine for a bit, then was sick again, and will now need treatment until the day they died”. People don’t like it. They don’t like that Halsey’s cauterization of her womb to treat PCOS is only a treatment that might fail her. They don’t want to think about how Demi Lovato’s stint in rehab and therapy are only treatments for her addiction and bipolar disorder. They don’t want to think about how their treatment of these delicately imbalanced women can worsen their symptoms later.

Which is the crux on which this entire theory is built: people don’t want to be held responsible for their actions. They don’t want to think of Selena Gomez as being delicate in regards to her feelings towards growing up in the spotlight (in which she described being photographed on a beach at fifteen by grown men “violating”), they don’t want to think about the long term effects mocking Taylor Swift for her surprised face when she was only seventeen carrying into adulthood, they don’t want to think about how Demi Lovato hitting a dancer could have been caused by the speculation of her mental health, and they don’t want to think about how Britney Spears’s public breakdown could be their fault.

No one wants to be the bully and they want to victimize other people so they can then accuse of “playing the victim”. Playing the victim as a phrase was originally coined in reference to abusers manipulating sociological effects to appear to be innocent while utterly demonizing the victim. Oddly, the mob mentality bullying of these starlets work more of “playing the victim” than any female starlet. They are restlessly bullied then accused of being “too sensitive” the minute they cry out. They are forced into a reaction of smile and laugh politely at jokes about their mental and physical health.

So, let’s think back to 2007 - the invention of the iPhone and the rise of Twitter and the birth of Tumblr. Suddenly, social media and cameras were novelties… that allowed us to watch in real time Britney Spears shaving her head and beating Kevin Fenderline’s car with an umbrella. No longer did we have to wait for the page 6 news spread of it in US Weekly or People - we got to see it happen while it was happening. This is our first example of a public breakdown actually being public. Suddenly everyone had an opinion.

Britney Spears was crucified as a warning - step out of line, and we’ll tear you apart too. Her career was dead the very next day. While Blackout managed to regain some of her popularity back, Britney will never again reach the same heights she had pre 2007 break down. This is mostly good for her mental health, however. The 2005 darlings - Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Raven Simone, and Amanda Bynes - all now had black marks against them with social media and narrative writing all contributing to their fall.

Lindsay Lohan’s recovery is ignored, Amanda Bynes’s mental health issues ignored, and Raven Simone was left to fade into obscurity with only the occasional reminder she is still working in television. This set a precedent.

While Taylor Swift, Demi Lovato, Lady Gaga, and Selena Gomez all rose at roughly the same time, there is a strict timeline to adhere to here. Taylor Swift began her career in 2005, but only started to gain traction in 2007 - the same as the rest of her contemporaries. It is with this marker that we recognize that Britney Spears’s public melt down served as a warning to these darlings - you are not human.

Thus when Demi Lovato’s breakdown started happening in 2009, she was instantly hospitalized with the excuse of “exhaustion”. Selena Gomez would later use this excuse to hide her first diagnosis with lupus. “Exhaustion” was now something none of these starlets could use because now the narrative had already taken shape: exhaustion means drug addiction. Nevermind that dancing for two hours every day and singing for two hours every day is physically exhausting for even the most abled of bodied people.

In 2011, Demi Lovato’s image was given a make over with the release of “Skyscraper” - a double edged sword. She was presented to the public as if she’d fully recovered. However, bipolar and addiction are chronic illnesses. Yet the narrative stuck - she was recovered. Now it traps her - she’s unable to backslide in public. Which means that all of Demi’s backslides must occur within conveniently timed slots which is not how backsliding works.

You might be asking “wait you mentioned Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga… I get how Halsey and Demi Lovato relate to the subject matter, but how does this tie together?” The answer is already there for you: narrative. Taylor Swift’s career path is that of a woman in total control of her narrative. This actually did not occur until 2010, in which she released Speak Now on the promotion that then 17/18 year old Swift wrote and produced the entire album by herself.

Lady Gaga, conversely, owns her narrative in total control of her sexuality. These are two things that women are not supposed to do and thus they are demonized for this. The demonization of Taylor Swift occurred during 2011/2012 - the same as Demi Lovato’s narrative of being a phoenix who rises from the ashes, the same as when Selena Gomez was first hospitalized for lupus (then described as malnutrition and exhaustion - symptoms of lupus), then same as Lady Gaga’s release of Born This Way.

Narratives are important in this new social media game, in which you want to package your starlet in a way that can be easily ate up in soundbites. Lady Gaga was “born this way”, Demi Lovato was a “phoenix”… Taylor Swift is a slut and Selena Gomez is the future trainwreck. The narratives once given are incredibly difficult to break free of. It didn’t help that Demi disparaged Selena for not visiting her in the hospital and that in 2012, Taylor Swift began to date boy band favorite with the hair extraordinaire, Harry Styles. They were now outcasts.

1989 in 2014 helped take back narrative control for Taylor Swift - until it didn’t. The same way Taylor Swift put her career back on track was the same reason it fell off again. Because Taylor Swift puts so much emphasis on controlling her own narrative, she is the most prone to receiving backlash out of all the starlets. People do not like narratives being in control of the people they wish to write them about. Selena Gomez, conversely, now has come forward and publicly admitted to having lupus. Lady Gaga’s new album is “too weird” and thus the subject of derision. The same narrative that put Halsey on the map is now used against her.

So what is the truth of it? Narrative speaking wise… women aren’t allowed to have messy, ugly, complicated narratives.

22 year old Taylor Swift who came on the scene as a pretty, hopeless romantic must have something wrong with her if she hasn’t settled down already (never mind that relationships are naturally complicated and messy and often times both partners have some fault) and is now dating an 18 year old.

Selena Gomez must be heading for a breakdown if she is checking into hospitals for exhaustion and suddenly working “less”.

Lady Gaga should be “over” her weird phase after experimenting with Born This Way.

Demi Lovato must never be allowed any freedom to backslide. Halsey must never, ever show any complaints of PCOS symptoms ever again.

The worst part is that these narratives are often written over the course of two years. It is why new female artists often have difficultly breaking past that first hit. The demand that a female celebrity gives us something to root for often outweighs the music itself. It’s why post The Voice, Cassadee Pope is finding it difficult to receive mainstream success. It is why Britney Spears’s level of fame will remain plateaued at the current level. It is why instead of viewing Lemonade for what it was (a celebration of being a black woman), there was an instant need to pry right into Beyonce’s marriage with Jay Z.

Following this, women’s narratives that are independent of men will be treated as if they have resolved only because of men. Taylor Swift’s relationship with Calvin Harris was treated as the reasoning behind her success, Demi Lovato’s relationships with men disallow her bisexuality to be seen as legit, Halsey’s own relationships with men have choked out any other thing about her, Cassadee Pope’s win was credited to Rian Dawson’s fanbase, etc.

“Recovery” becomes a meaningless word to women’s narratives if they are not allowed an independent narrative.

So what makes this reflective of our society as a whole? It shows what we value and what we mock. Women who are single are to be mocked and told they’re the problem if they do not settle for less. Women who are weird are mocked because they’re funny and not actively striving to be pretty. Women who are sick must recover in order to be seen as inspiring. These are things that we can find examples of in every given pop star. It is why Madonna is mocked - she is an older woman who is still having fun. Older women are not supposed to be fun or be single.

This leads to a conclusion that despite all our progressive beliefs on an individual level, on a societal level we’re still stuck trying to implement second wave feminism. Until we fully dismantle the ableism in the recovery narrative, we will never be able to truly reclaim women’s narratives. Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.

[kappasigmalife]

Desolate Caladium: Chp 4 Madness of the Heart and Mind

Desolate Caladium: chapter 4

Madness of the Heart and Mind

As I brought callum into the cabin with Evelyn’s help, I began to notice his head was burning. It must have been from the shots fired at us, there was no sign of anyone out there and I had to ensure no one was going to follow us out here. Evelyn told me she would watch the outside and let me know what she found while I tended to callum. It was twice to one that we saved one another, not much else can be seen from that other than a life debt. I remember my training well and got his fever down quite a bit but his wounds were much more severe than I imagined, with his back burned by magic bullet wounds, most likely fire. Had I been properly watching out for everyone id have been able to keep myself from falling victim to a damsel in distress motif? It didn’t matter as the two of us were still heading slowly to the new life we wanted away from the kingdom, but if im going to be a burden to him like this, is it worth it for me. Remembering he kissed me on the forehead, I gotta snap back to reality, there isn’t any use being a sniveling coward about any of this. Evelyn will help as much as she can but shes still weak from hunger and callum is out of commission.

“evelyn, im going into town for a while to get aid for callum, watch over him for me.” “you got it desmond, ill make sure hes safe.” as I left I knew in my stomach something was up with her. Why in the world would she appear here of all places and while we were camping out in the first place. It didn’t matter to me though, I needed some red leech tree bark and lavender for a ointment for him. Although the ingredients are quite expensive they will be well worth it for better recovery. While returning with supplies and some food, I catch evelyn talking to a tall man wearing a red cloak with a broadsword on his back. Getting closer I cant believe what I was hearing from the two of them.

“you idiot, I told you to wait til I gave a signal, I didn’t wanna hurt him.” “you told me to attack when you were found so I did, you know these magic items are hard to control” “fucking hell, hes hurt all because of our need for food, what a debacle.” “im sure things will get better as soon as we explain it when he wakes up” no way of knowing if he will or not, things aren’t exactly good with that, our shots really did a number on him.”

“oh man, well no harm no foul, I say we grab some of that foods he has stashed and split.” I noticed evelyn slapping him and looking as if she was crying, approaching the two the cloaked man disappeared and left Evelyn alone to talk with me. She explained how they went rogue in the kingdom and had to live off the land but being on the path of one was tiring and found a alve she freed with some of her savings and gave him a job as a guard, even buying him a broadsword. I could tell he is inexperienced and lacks control over anything, but he does look well defined by labor work. As I invited her back inside I began making a herbal remedy to heal callum, only to see that the marks are fading faster than expected, leaving nothing but small scars on his body. Although healed he still hasn’t awoken. Evelyn warned me not to wake him as the last time that occurred, someone nearly got killed, she mentioned it was something about his mage craft that changes his personality a total 180 and effectively would make everyone an enemy.

“its not worth it, he needs to wake on his own, not by force, trust me I know, hes a monster when in that state.”

“you sure this guy who is kind enough to travel with his ex and a doctor, is a monster when woken up.” “listen civilian ive known him for many years and I know what in talking about, he isn’t supposed to be woken up or else the consequences will be irreversible .”

Despite what I thought, she had a point, she knew him longer than I ever have and it wasn’t fair to usurp dominance over someone that was trained in royal courts all her life to deal with whatever the case may be with callum. As the day went on I decided to do some hunting, finding mostly some doe and birds to cook up for supper. When I returned I noticed that there was dead silence everywhere, curiously I thought that both evelyn and callum would be asleep due to the days events, but I was sorely mistaken. Out of nowhere a hole ripped open from the cabin with the cloaked man being shot out brandishing his broadsword covered in blood. From the smoke I saw callum covered in dark runes with hollow black eyes staring dead in the mans eyes no emotion or life whatsoever.

“I can contend you wanting food, but to go this far just to awaken a primal urge from your own volition needs to be punished.” “really now floating ball of denial, why don’t you make me.” I watched as callum created a small sphere of navy blue magic and launched it at the cloaked man.

“Alfan!!!!!!!” I couldn’t believe it as he slowly looked down at the beaten man, and grabbed him by the neck.

“you dare awaken a prince filthy slave, the girl gave you a name, alfan, ill remember it when your gone.” He flung the young man into the trees smashing him into a large oak, chasing after him I noticed callum meeting my gaze and just started walking to the direction of the crash. I wanted to help but I froze in place, is that who he is, some demonic mage bent on murder all to remain asleep. Now I get why he stayed away a long while and slept in seldom shifts. He wanted to remain calm instead of breaking out in a fight the minute something went awry. I picked evelyn up who suffered a broken ankle from the debris and told me that the state callum is in is from his mothers side.

“his mother is a moon elf, a divine being of the night capable of lost magics from beyond our grasp, her son bears her magic seal giving him the blood line to the moon and its secrets, he knows the arcane arts like the back of his hand as well as focus on the prospects of being the rightful heir to the throne of two kingdoms, now you see the power that comes from the royal blood.”

Evelyn has me carry her to the forest where we see the two continuing the fight. Alfin still trying to use his sword to no avail, simply missing every swing.

“a barbarians sword in the hands of a slave, is still nothing more than an oversized gardening tool.” thrusting his palm into alfin he pushes him into the trees again hearing a cracking of his bones.

“bastard took out one of my ribs” “and I shall crush the rest, mongrel” I looked away as I realized he repeatedly punched alfin in the gut breaking more of his ribs leaving him on the ground.

“picking a fight indeed was foolish  but you did allow me to be free of that prison for a while, so thank you, now whose next to challenge the prince of the moon elves, heir to the queens magic as well as tremis’s kingdom.” evelyn grabbed me and covered my mouth, signifying that this wasn’t safe and trying to get near him only would aggravate things further.

“come out come out evelyn, don’t make me hunt you dear, or I may have to burn the forest down.”

Evelyn looked at me with sincerity in her eyes that someone capable will snap him out. that instant I really understood what the dangers of leaving the kingdom entitle, callum doesn’t want the crown magic, or even power, he wants to be far from that things plans as possible.

“stay put I got this taken care of, hey prince wanna fight the princess.” “why of course, always wanted to ensure that the two of us wedded, but alas we were unable to ever have a proper match, given societal breakdowns of womens roles, keeping them as wives only stifles their warrior potential, like that slave over there.” “I saved him caladium, remember you gave him away to escape being made a sacrifice by the church, you gave him a name.” “right and fighting a queen is what im doing.” Evelyn calmly begins trying to get callum, only to be brushed off as nothing, being bombarded by light spells that cause minimal damage to her.

“what happened? You said he wouldn’t be a problem” “I know des but that thing isn’t callum anymore, the more he awakens the more hes capable of staying in control. His father and mother weren’t exactly the best parents.” I noticed that callum was growing weary of his stance and was regressing to his normal gaze although in one eye. But as he calmed down I noticed he was talking to himself.

“keep out, stay back, why control me now after 10 years.” “power is what you want the throne is yours.” “I don’t need it to help people I want to be gone as a martyr of peace and neutrality not of calamity and desolation.” “give in you know you want to.” “never again” as he finished I noticed him returning to normal again and falling down from exhaustion. Evelyn picked alfin up and told me to get them both to a inn keeper to be doctor. As we watch outside we come across the doctor examining both of them for abnormalities. Chris woke up shortly after and promptly tried walking despite much of his mana being eaten. I helped him up and I could tell he was crying from his eyes.

“im sorry you had to see that, I never thought that would come out again, it wasn’t fair for you to deal with it.” “are you kidding you worried me to death, I wasn’t afraid I was concerned you would make it out alive from that.” “no worries desmond, ill be more careful next time, but for now im very strained so im gonna go to the hot spring.” taking a cane I watched him limp out as alfin was operated on and making a recovery, the doctor allowed for him and evelyn to stay as long as possible until he recovered. Walking out I watched callum enter the entrance to the springs and followed suit. He was weak but I know he needed alone time to process the circumstances of what occurred, but part of me wanted to make sure he was okay so I snuck behind the rocks and watched as he began stripping down to his skivvies getting in the hot water.

“my oh my, did I truly need this tonight, desmond I know your out there, come out now I can sense your life force.” “sorry, I didn’t know if you wanted to be alone.” “just join me okay, holidays are coming up soon, all grace day comes our way in two moons.” “I didn’t know about that, sorry.” “why are you still dressed, get in the water before you freeze.” I took my clothes off and join him on the opposite side. It didn’t take much to get him to smile again, drinking a little rum really helped boost his mood effortlessly.

“I cant thank you for carrying me to the inn, it was a nice gensture when I lost myself.” “it…. Was no problem callum, please don’t hold it over me.” “of course not, im just happy to be alive and just relaxing for once, I wanna spend the holiday without crap coming back for me.” “I can hold that to high regards.” “hold on, I wanna give you a grace days eve gift, close your eyes” “fine” As I close my eyes I felt a cold metal go around my neck, when I opened my eyes it was a silver and black amulet necklace shaped in a cross. I saw the ring I wore that he bought before leaving was the same as the one he just gave me.

“I know cost a lot, but I figured a matching set would have a good look on you, plus the gems match your eyes.”

“I don’t know what to say, I love it.” As I began to notice the snow falling under the clear skies, callum came close to me taking my hand and softly kissing me with tears running down his face.

“I think I may actually love you.”

[weirdlywisely]

Yearly recap : 2017

I’ve done that the past two years and idk i think it’s good to do it and i like doing it anyway so here is my thoughts abt my 2017

So many things happened tbh idk if i’d say 2017 was a good year objectively, but it wasn’t that bad of a year for me

so ! i noticed i didn’t mention it at all but this year has been both really hard but also really good 

really good bc I finally moved out ! I’ve been living with my best friend officially since July but really since the end of August and I couldn’t be better ! 

i love my family i really do... but we’ve been at each other’s throat for like more than a year... if it’s not me and my parents, it’s me and my brother, or it’s my brother and my parents, or my brother and my sister... it’s very tiring... im tired of fighting with them... I really am... but im better since i moved out and see them less! i will have to move back in for summer bc im leaving Toulouse normally but it’ll be good i think

but i should do smthg in a more organized manner hahaha 

January was... plain bad... I was still in my double degree thing that exhausted me so much ! and i failed one of my final badly so i was really feeling awful (got my degree in the end thanks retakes) but i got back on my feet ! january was also bad bc i applied for an abroad exchange but was refused pretty harshly. if im being honest that hurt a lot... i may have cried bc i didn’t know what to do if i couldn’t go abroad and get away... but i got back on my feet and i was more or less okay!

I met two wonderful online friends for real this year ! and let me tell you IT WAS AWESOME ! took out quite a chunk of my savings but it was totally worth it ! but with all the money i spent on travels these two years im probably not going anywhere by myself in 2018 hahaha 

I met Mathilde in February and went to the eastern part of France, where i never went tbh it was a really fun week ! idk how long we had known each other but it was a loooooooong time hahaha 

I also met Lark in May! we took a little roadtrip in the US it was super fun hahaha i never went to these parts of the US so it was super cool to see ! could have done without the “guns make sense” signs... those were awful and didn’t actually make sense but ‘murica my guy

in the end got my English degree (look who has a valid college diploma !) and got my DEUG with an AB (ITS NOT EVEN WRITTEN ON THE DIPLOMA IM SALTY I WANT MY MENTION !!)

I am honestly focusing on the good bc the first half was hard but the second half of 2017 was better, and seeing friends i hold dear was just sooooo good and such an highlight of my year ! 

i went to Peru with my family for the summer it was super cool ! i met such great people and it was so interesting ! as you know my spanish just sucks but i have the best spanish in my family so i talked quite a bit and it was very fun hahaha there’s one thing im so angry about ! i was sick, like very sick for three days... Which three days ? the ones we did the Machu Picchu ... so i still went up but sat down on a bench at the entrance bc i couldn’t walk without wanting to puke... Fun story, the first day we had to do the famous hike to get to the Machu Picchu with guides and all but i was feeling so badly i couldn’t do it so i took the train all the way to the town and i was told someone would tell me where my hotel was... the guy didn’t... so i went out of the train station, feeling half dizzy half wanting to cry, i saw a guy on a bridge and asked him in spanish if he knew where my hotel was... he seemed all confused so i asked in english and one of his friend arrived and tried to help me with google maps but sent me on the wrong way hahaha so i walked a bit but felt so sick i wanted to cry so i sat down and a few minutes after i saw two guys who seemed to know where things were, so i asked them in spanish if they knew where my hotel was, and they said they knew and i asked if they could tell me, and they were like “oh no we’re leading you there” and like they did and one of the guy tried to speak with me but i was feeling so bad my head was spinning and i couldn’t understand half of it bc it was too fast and i apologized bc of that and then i thanked them so much bc that was so nice and i just spent the rest of the day sleeping bc i was dying inside!  it was such an experience hahaha also before that i went up 4910m ! and man that is high ! you can feel the lack of oxygen ! i loved it it was soooo cool ! 

if there’s one thing i know, it’s that traveling and experiencing new things is something i love ! it’s like the one thing that doesn’t fail to cheer me up soooooo

this year has been very good to me but also very bad... my lows have been pretty awful but i think i managed to open up abt it and get better. i mean im still not fully okay but i’m recovering pretty well, i mean ive never been that bad so it’s pretty okay.. like yeah there are still moment when i want to die or stop existing, and you know some thoughts aren’t the best... but im hopeful for the future so there’s that !

i mean, i didn’t think i could get my english degree bc i hated it so much it basically made three years of my life hell bc i just couldn’t stand it but i did it ! i thought i wouldn’t ever be able to let go of the “fake your confidence” thing but i feel like it’s less fake ?? im better with myself and im starting to actually like myself a little ? bc im trying to become a better person, im trying to become more compassionate and more helpful bc i am trying to better myself 

is anxiety still fucking up my life ? yeah it is, but guess what ? i can do it! what my brain is telling me is wrong ! i can do it, people aren’t laughing at me, i’m not making a fool out of myself ! and if i can’t do it ? i have a great best friend who knows that i sometimes cna’t do things and is willing to help and that is just so helpful ??? i sometime worry that i rely too much on her, but actually i trust her to tell me if im bothersome or whatever so it’s great ! 

honestly, i am hopeful for the future it’s so strange ?? i didn’t think i could have so many things i want to do ??? like i know what i want to do with my life ! i am stressing over which masters i want to apply to and creating so many other plans in case im not accepted ?? i want to travel the world ! meet new people ! see new things ! learn more ! 

it’s honestly crazy.. four years ago ? I was almost certain i wouldn’t be alive at 20, and now ? im 21 and im getting my life back on track ! 

another pretty big thing for me was that i cut my hair ! i had cut it all off very short back in may or june 2014 and two months ago i cut it all off at around the middle of my neck and it’s been soooo liberating ! im gonna cut it back shorter bc it’s way too long but wow! 

i feel like i am actually growing as a person ??? idk the me from last year and the me from this year, we’re not the same ! im getting better ! 

tbh 2017 was a train wreck i mean im still a train wreck but a train wreck who wants to get better sooooooo ! 

2017 was hard, but seeing friends and traveling helped a lot, i think those few days away from home helped so much, and just moving out it was just great ! don’t get me wrong i had very bad breakdowns while living at my flat but i didn’t have to call my best friend crying bc we were fighting with my parents sooooo yeah

lots of negative this year, not gonna lie, but ! like the idealist fuck i am i am hoping that 2018 will be better ! i mean i have so much planned ! im not gonna let anything set me back ! fuck it !

also i got a job this year ! i tutor people in english so it’s pretty good and it gives me experience ! my résumé isn’t empty anymore yay !

also im better at standing up for myself so it’s good ! i can finally just say what i think, not fully but more than before !

So basically in 2018 i want to try and improve on myself more ! i want to be proud to be myself soooooo 

i’ll try to talk to more people on here i think bc i really want to talk to people and i just am super shy but idk i want to talk to people and have more friends so why the fuck not hahahha 

i’ll also probably confess to my crush... tho i hate that i have a crush on him bc he’s a friend and all but idk i feel like it’s either to move on once it’s out soooooo 

i also want to learn how to dance bc i have way too fucking much energy and idk i don’t want to start any combat sport and i really want to learn how to dance even tho i am as graceful as a drunk hippopotamus hahaha

and finally i want to seriously get back intro writing and drawing ! it has been hard last year bc so many fucking classes and pressure but idk im motivated ! tho i always say that hahahha 

in conclusion, just be kind to yourself in 2018 ! you’re improving but it takes time ! i really hope i can look back on 2018 and be like “yeah i did it, im proud of who i am and where i am”