#i had to chose out of the 44 songs i actively listen too

[themistymountainscold]

🎶✨when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, publish. then, send this ask/tag 10 of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) 🎶✨

i was tagged by @dragonflylady77 and @atomrose<33

the medicine - jeremy renner

habibi - tamino

it's nice to be alive - ball park music

the chain - fleetwood mac

dream on - aerosmith

tagging: @flowersonmymind1016 @changethecircumstances @kallisto-k @frnkieroismydaddy @every-dayiwakeup @flashwaves @thecrabnebula

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Song Analysis: Convoy by C.W. McCall - FTWD

Good morning! Remember I said that I wanted to say more on the trucker song they listened to last week on Fear? Well, here it is! I’m basically just going to give you the lyrics and highlight the symbols. They’re things I and others on TD have talked about for a LONG time. I’ll also try to link to discussions of these symbols if you want a refresher, but I don’t really want to repeat all the info for each symbol. If you’ve followed my theories for any length of time, you should be fairly familiar with them. If not, you can always click the links. 😉

I guess my biggest take away with this song is that they chose it specifically for how well it ties into the show and how heavily it references the symbols they use in the show all the time. And that just makes us happy, you know?

So, the song is Called Convoy by C.W. McCall. It was a big deal back in 1975 when it hit number one on both country and pop charts.

In terms of what the song is about, it basically tries to show a dialogue between truckers on the road who speak to each other via CB radios. Already right there we have an interesting tie to the show. While they predominantly use walkie talkies, we have also seen many CB radios in both TWD and FTWD. In the latter, we saw them this season at the denim factory and at the gas station in 5a.

The other thing you should know about this song is that it uses a lot of CB slang. So if you just read through the lyrics and you’re NOT a trucker of CB radio enthusiast (which I’m guessing is most of us) it won’t make much sense to you. Go HERE to get an interpretation of the CB slang and it will make way more sense.

Here are the full lyrics. I put the bold text in to draw your attention to those words/phrases:

[CB radio chatter] Yeah, breaker one-nine This here's the Rubber Duck You got a copy on me Pig Pen, c'mon? Uh, yeah, Ten-Four Pig Pen, fer sure, fer sure By golly it's clean clear to Flag Town, c'mon Yeah, its a big Ten-Four there, Pig Pen Yeah, we definitely got the front door, Good Buddy Mercy sakes alive, looks like we've got us a convoy

Verse 1:

Was the dark of the moon on the sixth of June In a Kenworth pullin' logs Cab-over Pete with a reefer on And a Jimmy haulin' hogs We is headin' for bear on I-one-oh 'Bout a mile outta Shaky Town I says, "Pig Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck. "And I'm about to put the hammer down."

'Cause we got a little convoy Rockin' through the night. Yeah, we got a little convoy, Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way. We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'Cross the U-S-A. Convoy!

[CB radio chatter] Yeah, breaker Pig Pen this here's the Duck And uh, you wanna back off them hogs Uh, ten-four 'bout five mile or so Ten-Roger them hogs is gettin' intense up here

Verse 2:

By the time we got into Tulsa Town, We had eighty-five trucks in all. But they's a roadblock up on the cloverleaf, And them bears was wall-to-wall. Yeah, them smokies is thick as bugs on a bumper; They even had a bear in the air! I says, "Callin' all trucks, this here's the Duck. "We about to go a-huntin' bear."

'Cause we got a little convoy Rockin' through the night. Yeah, we got a little convoy, Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way. We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'Cross the U-S-A. Convoy!

[CB chatter] Uh, you wanna give me a ten-nine on that Pig Pen Uh, negatory Pig Pen you're still too close Yeah, them hogs is startin' to close up my sinuses Mercy sakes, you'd better back off another ten

Verse 3:

Well, we rolled up Interstate 44 Like a rocket sled on rails. We tore up all of our swindle sheets, And left 'em settin' on the scales. By the time we hit that Chi-town, Them bears was a-gettin' smart: They'd brought up some reinforcements From the Illinois National Guard. There's armored cars, and tanks, and jeeps, And rigs of ev'ry size. Yeah, them chicken coops was full'a bears And choppers filled the skies. Well, we shot the line and we went for broke With a thousand screamin' trucks An' eleven long-haired Friends a' Jesus In a chartreuse micra-bus.

[CB radio chatter] Yeah, Rubber Duck 'tis Sod Buster C'mon there Yeah, Ten-Four Sod Buster Listen, you wanna put that microbus In behind that suicide jockey Yeah, he's haulin' dynamite And he needs all the help he can get

Verse 4:

Well, we laid a strip for the Jersey shore And prepared to cross the line I could see the bridge was lined with bears But I didn't have a dog-goned dime. I says, "Pig Pen, this here's the Rubber Duck. "We just ain't a-gonna pay no toll." So we crashed the gate doing ninety-eight I says "Let them truckers roll, 10-4."

'Cause we got a little convoy Rockin' through the night. Yeah, we got a little convoy, Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way. We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'Cross the U-S-A. Convoy!

[CB radio chatter] Ah, Ten-Four Pig Pen what's you're Twenty Omaha Well, they oughtta know what to do With them hogs out there, fer sure Well, mercy sakes good buddy We gonna back on outta here So keep the bugs off yer glass And the bears off yer...tail We'll catch you on the flip flop This here's the Rubber Duck on the side We gone Bye, bye

Okay, so like I said, read HERE for a complete interpretation of the CB slang in the song, but it’s worth mentioning a few things that are important. The song is about a bunch of truckers who basically stage a “rebellion” by tearing up their log books, driving cross country, and busting through a bunch of police blockades in the process.

The conversation is mostly between three main people: “Rubber Duck,” “Pig Pen,” who has a truck full of hogs, and “Sodbuster.” I’m assuming those are their CB call signs. Here are posts on Rubber Ducks and Pigs. I don’t have one on Sodbusters, but that’s basically slang for a farmer, and just makes me think of Hershel.

So the song also mentions bears a lot. Guess what a bear is slang for in CB lingo? A cop! Specifically highway patrol. That’s because they often wear hats similar to the Smokey the Bear mascot.

So when the “bears get smart,” it means the cops are being resourceful trying to stop the convoy. Going hunting for a bear metaphorically means hunting for cops. And, just a point of detail, in the song, they’re not REALLY hunting for cops. Rather, they’re doing things that will draw the cops toward them because their activities are illegal. Just wanted to point that out.

And the “bear in the sky” is a—wait for it!—HELICOPTER! Yup! A police helicopter that’s also following them.

See why this song made us excited! It screams so many TD symbols that we’ve talked about for a long time, including Grady cops. If you read the Wikipedia I linked above, even the trucks in the convoy (mentioned in slang, so you’ll have to look it up to see what they are) have some significance. There’s the pig truck, of course, but also a REFRIGERATED boxcar truck, which works well with @frangipanilove’s refrigeration/Sirius theories.

I highlighted the “11 Long-haired friends of Jesus” for two reasons. 1) Jesus/bible reference. 2) 11 is also significant. Me, @wdway and @frangipanilove were talking about this on Sunday. If you read the theory I re-posted yesterday (also by @frangipanilove) I’m sure you understand. Oh, btw, Omaha, Nebraska is mentioned in the “CB chatter” part of the song as well.

I also highlighted the “hammer” in the first verse because we saw the hammer symbol brought up a lot last week. The young guy at the end used a broken hammer to break into the generator room at the gas station before Logan showed up to shoot up his three wheel bike. 

And then it caught my attention that on the S10 special, Tyreese’s hammer was given away in the special drop box. I’m feeling like there’s something significant about this symbol right now. And the only thing we an really connect it to is Tyreese, who died in the episode after Beth was shot and whose death hallucination, Beth was in. Just saying.

Also notice the moon and bridge symbols. I don’t think I need to explain those. Plus some others I highlighted on principle: some eights, some fives, cars, tanks, a reference to suicide and explosives, etc.

And I maintain what I said in my original analysis. If hunting a bear = hunting a cop, and what character was most heavily associated with cops? That would be Beth, because of Grady. Then hunting a bear suggests hunting Grady cops (or drawing them out) which has to lead to Beth eventually. And I have no idea when. Maybe not even this season. Who knows? But what the group is doing now by helping people will probably eventually lead to it in some way.

And then we had that thing Lenny said on TTD about how something really unexpected will happen this season. Something no one will see coming. Juuust saying. ;D Thoughts?

[prettywordsyouleft]

50 Questions Tag

Tagged by @g-exo Thank you sweetie! <3

1. What takes too much of your time?

Working and writing. 

2. What makes your day better?

Writing, k-dramas, crafting, bullet journalling, chocolate lol.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

This is going to sound odd, but we have 3 little kittens (and their mama) who we rescued from our horses’ hay shed a few weeks ago. The kittens started on solids like two days ago and one of them hadn’t pooped and was pretty full. After some assistance from me, she went and pooped. I could have cried with pure happiness. Poor thing was so uncomfortable.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

The world of Howl’s Moving Castle. To be able to use the door in Howl’s Castle to go to different realms and places would be truly magical.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I believe so. Not so good at taking the same said advice though >_<

6. Do you have any mental illness?

Generalised Anxiety.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Nope and I’m grateful that I haven’t :/ << same.

8. What musician inspired you the most?

SHINee as a group. I was in a hard place when I got into kpop with being unable to walk. I was entirely depressed from my accident and thought I would never get anywhere again. Their music gave me an escapism that I needed at first, and then I found the confidence in myself to get back up and try again. 

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

I don’t think I truly know what love is aside from familial love. I’ve not had the opportunity to fall in love. 

10. What’s your dream date?

I don’t think I have one. Something simple yet fulfilling with a person who is actually engaged in the date happenings and wanting to be in my company would be enough for me!

11. What do others notice about you?

I like to give. Everyone who has come across me - whether in passing or actually get to know me, all say that I have this ability to share with others and make their lives brighter by doing so. 

The ones who know me well complain that I don’t know when to stop and rest because I’m so focused on completing my tasks/ giving to others lol. 

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

I guess the above - being too stubborn to know when I need to rest. I’m pretty bad about it. I overload myself and then get too stressed out. It’s something I’m working on!

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Not applicable to me.

14. How many ex’s do you have?

Zero.

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

6456 is the amount I have on itunes. I have various playlists that I listen to despite my mood though.

16. What instruments can you play?

None.

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

Uhhhh on my phone it’s Mark Tuan. Followed by Kyungsoo and both Jung/Park Jinyoung’s.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Italian Peninsula is my top pick. Other places would be Greece, Japan, Korea and England.

19. What is your zodiac?

Gemini technically.

20. Do you relate to it?

I fall on the Gemini-Cancer cusp and relate to articles I’ve read of Gemini-Cancer cusp people than pure Gemini traits. I’m definitely not an outgoing, carefree person as Gem’s are describe to be lol.

21. What is happiness to you?

My family, friends and even our pets succeeding in life. Seeing their happiness makes me feel good.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

This whole year has been a “going through” kind of year. Every time I think things are settling, another thing is thrown my way. But I’m optimistic it means I’m getting stronger with this testing period. 

23. What’s the worst decision you’ve ever made?

Not buying VIP tickets when B.A.P came here for their L.O.E tour. I chose Gold tickets because they had seats and as a partially disabled person through my right leg, I didn’t think I could stand for the duration of the concert. It’s something I’ve regretted for years - they were so amazing to everyone, but those in VIP were so darn lucky with all the interactions they had!  

24. What’s your favourite store?

I guess Gordon Harris, the local art store, because I am always there picking up new stationery supplies for bullet journalling. 

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

It’s a very personal choice. As a person who wants to be a mother one day, it’s an option I could never ever bring myself to do. However, it’s not my place to judge, condemn or preach at those who feel it’s their only choice at the time. 

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

Kind of? In my bullet journal for the past 2 years I’ve done the whole “19/20 things to do before 2019/2020″ but I don’t have an official bucket list or anything.

27. Do you have a favourite album?

Probably Verse 2 - JJ Project because I listen to it all the time. Otherwise, Good Timing - B1A4 is probably another long time favourite.

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Not really sure... my birthday is hard because it’s ten days before my Dad’s death anniversary. So I just try to do something to smile each year. Maybe go out for dinner to celebrate mine and Mum’s birthday (she’s a week exactly after my birthday)

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

I’ve been told most people think I’m shy and awkward but once I talk, they are surprised with how engaging I can be in conversation. Which makes me laugh because generally on the inside I’m panicking as I have social anxiety issues. 

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m 32 but people never seem to think it. When I was at university, I was older than everyone else as an adult student but they all thought I was around 20-21 when I was 24+ hahah. 

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

On top of Octavia’s crate which is next to my bed. Or if I need to charge it, I leave it on my desk. I’m a very light sleeper so when my alarm goes off, it doesn’t need to be next to me to wake me up.

32. what word do you say the most?

When I’m talking - “like” (which really annoys me). When I’m writing - “but”.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

I try to believe I would date anyone regardless of age. But I’ve been known to have put an age limit of no more than 8 years older when I was feebly using dating websites. I don’t actively search for someone anymore, so if they came into my world and matched me well in a natural way, then I don’t think age would deter me. 

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

I’m a bit more carefree on this one... I think it comes from being an older kpop fan and liking on younger idols because there’s hardly any idols left that are my age/older lol. Again as above, I wouldn’t let a younger age deter me in the right setting.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Author. I’ve even done those career quizzes on multiple occasions and the first choice is always Author/Writer. 

The second choice people say is teacher. Which I was training to be until my injury. 

36. What’s your favourite music genre?

K-Pop. 

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

I’m happy where I live. I’ve never thought of being able to live elsewhere.

38. What is your current favourite song?

White or Feeling - both by Jeong Sewoon. 

39. How long have you had this blog for?

I started it on July 2nd, 2018.

40. What are you excited for?

Uh, I’m not really excited for anything? 

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

A bit of both.

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Yesterday I made a new paddock up for our horses, cleaned out my guinea pig’s house, cleaned out the entire bathroom where Byul and her kittens are staying. And then last night I did Chelle Chats which was pretty busy! 

Today I’ve been pretty chill compared so far. 

43. What do you want for Christmas?

I’m not sure. I’m never good at knowing what I want. Better at knowing what to buy others.

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, it was English and Biology. In university, it was Classics/Ancient History.

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

6

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?  

Not sure. I had an image of how I hoped to be a mother, and continuing on with my art business, but with puberty rocking our house with my sister and my finances taking a nose dive, fertility treatment is long gone sadly. I’ll just think I’ll focus on the now and improve/appreciate what I have! 

47. When did you first get your heartbreak?

I’m sure this question is related to dating but for me, when I was 14 my heart broke when my Nana died. And in 2012, when my Dad was killed was when I gained another ball in my box of grief. Last year was tough losing my dog of 15.5 years too. Got three balls in that box now :( 

As for dating, sure, I’ve hurt from limited attempts to confess and being rejected... but I’ve never had real opportunity for heartbreak like that.

48. At what age do you want to get married?

Lmfao. I’ll probably be single for my whole life. Marriage is so far from the cards for me, I can’t imagine it. 

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be a Veterinarian or Teacher.

50. What do you crave right now?

Food cos it’s 1.34pm and I’ve not eaten yet oops.

Tagging: @this-song-thats-only-for-you @mark-tuan-and-namjoon-lover @katdefbeom @listlessmaenads @tuanyiems @peachyparkjinyoung @jinyoungmoans @ahgase55g7 @itsallabigmess and anyone else who wants to do this! 

[prince-dongju]

Mutual Tag!!!

Tagged by @snupersstar (You’re a beautiful person!!)

Nickname : Kryshel 

Zodiac: Pisces 

Height:  5'6

Age: 18

Time: 11:44 pm

Fave Bands/Artists: Snuper, SF9, NCT, Seventeen, ONF, VAV, UP10TION, Jong Sewoon, UNB, A.C.E, KNK, and many more

Favorite Songs: ATM: 

Just U - Young Sewoon

Livin’ It Up - Monsta x

Shooting Star - NewKidd

Please Don’t - Snuper

Song Stuck In My Head: 20 Something - Jong Sewoon. I just listened to it. It. Will. Not. Leave. 

Last Movie Watched: Well. I really had to think about this one. It’s been ages since I watched a movie. It was probably Coco. 

Last Thing I Googled: I looked up vine compilations. I have no shame

Other Blogs: yes. @sichengisthesoftest and @waeisweisocool I’m the most active on this one though 

Do I Get Asks?: Once a year (Pls) 

Why I Chose My Username: Because I am totally Multyfandom. I can’t settle on one ult group for too long. And I like the numbers 1458 

Following: 278

Average Amount Of Sleep: I stay up way too late (I’m dumb) So maybe 6 or 7

Lucky Number: 13

What Am I Wearing: A T- shirt and basketball shorts. I’m all about comfort. 

Dream Job: Something in the medical field. Or something to do with history. I haven’t narrowed it down yet 

Dream Trip: A Europe tour. I almost got to go on one at the beginning of the summer. But it didn’t work out :’( 

Fave Food: I really like rice. I eat it all the time

Hair Color: My roots are growing out brown, but I have blonde highlights 

Eye Color: Blue. Sometimes gray-blue 

Most Iconic Song: Well. I have several for you: Platonic Love by Snuper. Ring Ding Dong by SHINee and Face by Nu’est.

Languages You Speak: English. I’m boring 

Random Fact: I’m allergic to bees. My family keeps bees. Can you see the problem there? 

Describe Yourself As Aesthetics: Hot cocoa on a winter day. Neon lights and streetlights. Driving late with the windows down, blasting music. Reading a book by a nice fire. Crazy hair, don’t care. 

I’ll tag: @hearttoshu @starry-sof @m8-stopprocrastinating I’d like to get to know some of you more! 

[kpop-wetdreams]

The Composure of the Composer

The Composure of the Composer

[one shot; soulmates!AU]

Author: Kpop-Wetdreams

Pairing: Jaebum x Reader

Rating: 18+ [fluff / angst / smut / nsfw]

Warning: Explicit Sex

Word Count: 11.6k

Author’s Note:  A soulmate!AU series of oneshots by @kpop-wetdreams, @igot7bangtanbaes, and @yehet-me-up, based on a concept by @kpop-wetdreams. The Master List can be found at: The Inevitability of You.

You woke up to the light streaming through the windows and hitting you squarely in the face. You groan as you roll over to evade the sun that was the world's most adamant alarm clock with no such luck as your cat, Sir Fat Butt, decided that it was time you fed him. This time your groan was less voluntary as you felt him jump onto your back and start to knead you, trying to get your attention. Groaning for the last time you roll back over and sat up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes and absentmindedly petting your cat. His purr could be felt through your bed as you reached for your phone. You had band practice today. You were a drummer in a moderately popular band if you did say so yourself. You were actually quite proud of the achievements your bandmates and yourself were able to achieve. Your style of music was rock ballads not that you could hear them, not the way everyone else did. That was your deficiency, your impairment. For as long as you could remember you watched as people mouthed along to a secret melody that you were never privy to. People had tried to explain the phenomenon of music to you but it was hard to grasp.

It wasn't that you were deaf, for from it. You could hear sounds but for some reason, when they were strung together in a melody, you were locked out. It was an infuriating experience. You wanted to be a singer more than anything else. You felt it in the deepest parts of you that you had something to share but you were terrified. You were too embarrassed to sing in front of anyone because you yourself couldn't hear what you sounded like. What if you sounded like nails on a chalkboard? Worse, what if you were actually making no sounds at all. It was so difficult to tell. Your vocal chords felt the way they did when you were talking if only that they were tighter at times and more loose at others but that was hardly any indication to go off of. The ding of an incoming message in your band's group chat drag you out of your thoughts.

[Sasha 7:44 AM] Good morning sleepy heads! Meet at the practice room by 9? I know it's early but the sooner we get there the sooner we can be done right?

You shake your head as a small chuckle escapes your lips. Sasha was the leader of your band and the lead vocalist and back up guitarist. She was the bubbly beautiful visual that stood center stage and drew everyone in. Despite her sweet appearance, Sasha was actually quite the hard ass.

[Meri 7:47 AM] Don't lie to us, Sass. We all know the sooner we get in just means the longer we're practicing. There is no get out ‘early' with you.

[Thomas 7:48 AM] ^^^^^^^^ this an infinite amount of times.

You laugh out loud this time. Meri was the bassist and Thomas, was backup vocals and lead guitarist. With Annie on the keyboard and you on drums, that was the entire ensemble of U4ria. You knew Annie would still be asleep but she would somehow always make it to practice on time even if she wasn't the most active in chat (though it was your sneaking suspicion that Sasha took a detour to Annie's place and hauled her out of bed to ensure she was on time you have yet to prove your theory with evidence).

[________ 7:59 AM] See you dweebs there xoxo

You type quickly and hopped into the shower. You had an hour to get ready and grab your bag and head out of the door. Luckily for you, since you were the drummer that meant usually you didn't have to lug your equipment around, just your drumsticks. The shower was quick, short, and hot and ended too soon. You tie your drying hair up into a quick and messy bun and after throwing on an oversized sweater, some black tights, and combat boots, you were out the door with a bag slung over your shoulder and drumsticks securely in hand.

As you walked along the street you drummed an invisible beat. Sometimes you were envious of those that walked with their heads down, plugged into their devices and you assumed, listening to music as they went about their day. You wondered if they even knew how lucky they were to be able such a ‘mundane' luxury when you would give up almost anything to hear the music.

"No matter." You tell yourself as you continue to the bus stop. Just because you couldn't hear music didn't mean that your life lacked sound. You listened to all the sounds around you. Bird songs were exempt from your inability to hear the music. You whistled their tune back to them and noted the sound of passing cars. The rumbling of engines… the laughter of children playing at a nearby playground. They were music to you. In your head, you arranged entire orchestras of the sounds around you and the sounds that were invisible to others. Sounds that were just ‘noise' to them but were everything to you.

Band practice had gone great and without a hitch. Everyone had shown up on time, early even which had delighted Sasha but as predicted, they went on until the bitter end. You were currently lying on the floor heaving, letting the air conditioning wash over you. You never understood how you got so sweaty playing the drums but you always did. The others always teased you for your ‘passionate' playing but you just wanted to convey the song, the heartbeat of the music as best as you could and apparently that meant looking like you ran a marathon.

"Did you hear the new song released by Jaebum?" Thomas asked excitedly taking out his phone.

"Did he actually sing in this one or just you know, do everything else?" Meri teased. Jaebum was a famous composure. He composed the music, wrote the lyrics and produced the songs though he never sang on them himself. His career had taken off quite suddenly a few years ago and showed no signs of slowing down what-so-ever. One of the other reasons his career took off the way it did was despite his music being incredibly moving, being lyrically beautiful, he also shared the music impairment. He couldn't hear the music he produced. Not in its entirety anyways. That's why the other thing he was renowned for was being a merciless womanizer.  Apparently, he would do anything to hear his music even if it was just in snippets, just bits, and pieces. Finding your complete soulmate, that absolute perfect match would of course ‘cure' you of your impairment in its entirety but there were work-a-rounds. What Jaebum did was actually quite common. You see, there were varying degrees of matching within all those that shared the same impairment. Rumor had it that Jaebum went around finding the girl with the highest match and that's how he lived his life. Ever searching for the greater match just so he could compose and hear his music, never seeking it for the fulfillment of his actual soulmate bond for how much more it could actually offer him.

You always thought it was a little unfair of people to judge Jaebum so harshly on how he chose to use his soulmate bond. It wasn't like there was some magical guide on how you were supposed to treat your soulmate as long as it was consensual with both parties, what was wrong with what he was doing? You were sure these women that agreed to be with Jaebum knew his reputation and what his typical pattern was so it wasn't a surprise but the heart was a fickle thing really.

"Speaking of Jaebum… did you hear that he was supposed to be a guest judge at that charity talent show that we signed _________ up for?" Annie asked nonchalantly as she was packing away her keyboard.

You sprung upwards, staring at your friends though right now they looked like a buncha backstabbing cows more than friends.

"Annie!" Sasha hissed. "You weren't supposed to tell her yet!" she screeched in hushed tones.

"What. The. Actual fuck is Annie talking about?" You asked through narrowed eyes.

Meri walked over to you and wrapped you up in a tight hug and started to pet your hair. Meri was always the mother of the group, trying to keep things smooth and from bubbling over too much. "We all know how much you want to sing _________. We thought this might be a fun way for you to get out there… you don't have to go if you don't want. All we did was sign you up and pay the entrance fee." she said encouragingly.

"Though if you did decide to do it, you would kick ass _________. Sasha showed us the demos on your computer." Thomas said grinning and giving you a thumbs up. Now it was your turn to screech at the top of your lungs and point accusingly as Sasha.

"TRAITOR!" You yell at the top of your lungs, livid. You showed her those demos in confidence! She wasn't supposed to go blabbering to the rest of the group about your singing or your lame attempts at it!

"HEY IN MY DEFENSE, YOU LEFT ME ALONE. IN A ROOM. WITH TOP SECRET INFORMATION AND THE ABILITY TO COPY THE FILES. WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?" Sasha asked, shrugging but pouting at you and giving you her infamous puppy dog stare that would have your anger melting away.

You gave up and just decided to lie down. You laid down completely flat on your stomach and didn't move.

"Look at what you did Sasha. You broke _________ again." Thomas scolded as you could hear your friends scuttling about and surrounding you on the floor. "Honestly _________, you don't have to do it if you don't want to. We were surprised when Sasha showed us the demos and hurt that you didn't feel like you could show us yourself. You have talent even if you can't hear it _________ but we can.  You are a singer. You pour that passion you have when playing the drums into your singing and Sasha will have to watch her back or we will end up with two lead vocals." Thomas teased, nudging your side.

You could feel someone pawing at your hand and you finally turn to face the source to find Sasha's face but an eyelash distance away. "Don't be mad. We did it for you stupid. We believe in you. I wish you believed in yourself half as much as we believed in you. If you believe in yourself that much then you could dethrone even Jaebum as the greatest composer and artist of our generation." She said seriously.

The room was silent as the whirring sound of the air conditioner could be heard before you sat up. "Do you guys really think so?"

You didn't need an answer as your friends all collapsed about you, forming a massive doggy pile and group hug all at once.

Jaebum stared at the invitation sitting open on his desk. He ran his hand through his hair again and sighed the umpteenth sigh of the day. He was too busy. He simply had too much to do to make an appearance at this charity event as a guest judge like his company wanted. It was some feel-good event, non-profit media frenzy event. The winner of the ‘talent show' didn't even get a prize. All you got were more good feelings. Jaebum had nothing against charities. He loved charities. Yay giving back to the community. Yayyyy but he was simply just too busy. Lately, he found that his impairment was bothering him more than normal. More of the music was slipping away from his fingers which only meant one thing, it was time for a new mate.

His solution wasn't a perfect one but it was one that worked. He would find the most suitable mate possible in the moment he needed them and kept them around until the music started to fade, which usually meant their affection for him was waning as well and then it was time to upgrade to a new model. This one had lasted a surprisingly long time. He had even enjoyed the sex and her company. They had shared interests but it was never her that kept him there, only what she offered him. He didn't feel guilty. These girls knew what they were signing up for when they agreed to date him. They were using him just as he was using them, they used each other in different ways and used each other until there was nothing left and then they'd fall apart. It was something that Jaebum had probably gone through at least a dozen times that now it was just routine.

Jaebum held up the invitation again to scrutinize the cursive writing embossed on the paper. "Fuck it. It's Christmas time. Do what we can for those that can't right?" he muttered as he turned to his laptop and opened up an e-mail to the event coordinator letting them know that he would be in attendance after all but he had a few...demands.

He wouldn't have to appear on any broadcast; and

He could sit away from the Judge's table.

Those were his only two stipulations to his attendance. They could use his name all they wanted as long as he didn't have to appear. It wasn't that he wasn't confident in his looks (if women were any indication, he was rather good-looking), he just valued his privacy and the moment he revealed his face, he would lose that forever.  

Once Jaebum got the confirmation e-mail back that all his conditions will be met, he sighed again. "Whoop-dee-fucking-do. Let's go put in some charity work," he muttered to himself, placing his noise-canceling headphones back over his ears and getting back to his producing project.

"Stop pacing _________. Honestly, you're going to make me throw up." Sasha said as she rubbed her temples from her seat backstage with you and the rest of U4ria.

You couldn't help it. You were not going to come. You had flipped a coin. Then plucked petals off a poor flower. Then back to the coin. Then counting toes on the tiger and all the things. You had finally resolved not to come to this thing despite practicing all week long. Meri had been careful to monitor how much you were practicing so you wouldn't strain your vocal chords and actually do more harm than good. It was strange to practice singing without being able to hear the song. You were going to be singing one of Jaebum's many compositions. The words were actually pretty easy to sing (since you already knew them by heart). It didn't matter how many times Meri told you that you sounded amazing, you didn't believe her. How could you? How could you believe something you had never experienced first hand?

Your hands were shaking so much it looked like you had downed 5 espressos on the way here. It didn't matter how many times you wrung them or tried to take deep breaths, nothing seemed to be able to settle your nerves. You almost didn't register the contestant that was just before you step out onto the stage. Almost. As soon as you saw the duo walk past you and out onto the stage, you started hyperventilating.

"SOMEONE GET HER THE BAG," Annie screamed as people threw things around and you were eventually handed a paper bag and some water.

Thomas patted your back sympathetically. "You can do this _________ but if you really don't want to you don't have to. We are proud of you either way." He tried to comfort you. You knew that your friends would be proud of you either way but you wanted to do this. You maybe wanted to do this? No. You definitely wanted to do this for yourself! You had to do this. But really, did anyone have to do anything at all? If you left right now, your friends would still be proud and no one would be the wiser. Well, no one except you. Would you be able to look yourself in the mirror tomorrow and not feel regret? You uncapped the water bottle and downed the entire thing like it held something stronger than just water hoping for some liquid courage but no such luck.

"_________. _________!" Someone called your name as your head shot up.

"H-h-here!" You said unsteadily as you walked towards the person that had called your name.

" Hi _________. We need you to be on standby and be ready to step out on stage as soon as you're given the cue. Good? Good." They said without looking up from their clipboard and walked away before you could ask a question if your brain was competent enough at that moment to form one. You were shaking like a leaf standing on that red ‘x' and apparently, you went on autopilot because the next thing you knew, you were standing on a different red ‘x' and a spotlight was shining in your eyes. The judges' panel regarded you curiously as you introduced yourself and when you were ready, you cued Thomas to play your music.

Ok. 1, 2, 3, 4, rest, 2, 3, 4, rest, rest, rest, 4, rest, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, rest, rest…

You took a deep breath and something strange happened. You sang, projecting your voice on pitch and for the first time in your entire life, you heard yourself sing.

Jaebum had entered the venue through a side door to avoid the commotion out front. His name was plastered all over the building and the organizers had spared no expense to deck out the building and really make it feel like something special. In front of the venue stood a Christmas tree that was so large that you couldn't see the top of it if you were standing too close to the base. Twinkling lights were strung across all the outside areas to mimic the night sky and even he had to give credit where credit where it was due, the venue looked spectacular.

He had met with the other judges briefly to go over the program and what was to be expected. The Talent Show only held about 25 contestants, nothing too crazy. Good enough to put on a program and a good selection of talents and acts for them to choose a winner from. The winner won a small sum of money and some recording time in a professional studio. It wasn't a bad prize, especially for something smaller. All in all it was more of a focus on the charity aspect of the event and once all the judges were caught up and they were given the cue, the judges that would be appearing on the broadcast, as well as the MC, filed out and Jaebum exited stage left and found his way up to the nosebleeds.

Jaebum situated himself dead center and high up enough that he could see the contestant but they wouldn't be able to see him, not with the spotlight shining in their eyes. This was his happy place. Somewhere he could observe and not be observed in return. He had his laptop open on his lap as he clicked away on the keyboard, chatting with the other judges through instant messenger. One by one the contestants filed on, performed their acts, Jaebum provided his professional opinion and they left the stage and the next person was ushered on. It was starting to get a little tedious and he could feel his irritation levels start to rise. He was grateful that the organizers had left this particular balcony completely empty so he would be undisturbed. He sat hunched over slightly in his black, oversized hoodie, hood up, typing away and drinking the occasional sip of water.

"_________." He muttered as he typed your name into his notes. His eyes flicked away from the screen to the small figure standing on stage. Even from way up where he was sitting, he could tell that you were nervous. "Doubtful she will be any good with how nervous she is. Even if she is good she won't be able to perform at her optimal condition," he muttered, typing so into his notes mechanically. It wasn't that he was cold-hearted or cruel, he was just straightforward and honest.

He hears the music start and he puts away his laptop, preferring to completely focus on the performer as they were performing and opting for a pen and paper where he could scribble things down without looking. It's one of my songs. He chuckled to himself softly. Maybe she thought she would earn brownie points if she went with one of my songs. Jaebum chuckled. What an amateurish decision to make. Jaebum was about to close his eyes and take a quick nap when he heard it. Your voice. It was unlike anything he had ever heard before and suddenly he was at the edge of his seat. The way you voice carried the song… the way the song melded into your voice. The crescendo. The subtlety. The breathiness that he wanted to convey, it was all there just as it had been in his mind and for the first time, he was hearing it. It was the first time he was hearing his song in its entirety.

Jaebum was sitting on the edge of his seat, hands gripping the railing as he listened to your voice and his song. He couldn't believe it. A complete match. You were a complete match. "Just who are you _________…" Jaebum muttered as he watched you perform. Your performance was sincere as you conveyed all you could through your voice and the song. There were no excessive movements or additives on your part and it was perfect. He had to meet you. He had to -- he didn't know what he had to do but what definitely wasn't going to happen was that you were going to slip back into anonymity and slip away.

It took Jaebum a moment to register that the song had ended and it seemed like it held the same effect for you as you stood on stage, unmoving with the mic dangling at your side. Only with some hushed sounds and waving from the stagehands did you realize that you needed to clear the stage. Your walk turned into a speed walk which turned into a full-on sprint as you dashed off stage and Jaebum dashed after you. He ran down the millions of stairs from the balcony to the main floor, cursing the fact that he decided not to sit with the other judges. That was just a stone toss away from you instead of the winding maze he was doing now.

Jaebum didn't even bother to run towards the stage as he made a straight beeline to the back where the other contestants where. Upon arrival, all he saw were people setting up or tearing down and getting ready to go. You were nowhere to be found. He ran from room to room, down one hallway and down another but you seemingly had vanished into thin air. Jaebum hit his clenched fist against a wall in frustration. "You have to be fucking kidding me!" He couldn't believe that you had managed to escape. You! You were the key to his music! To finally unlocking all his music and he had let you get away. Jaebum dashed from room to room, even opening some closed doors only to be met with gasps from changing patrons which he quickly blushed, mumbled an apology and promptly closed the door to open up a broom closet and being hit square in the face with a falling mop. "Fuck!" he growled in frustration. Jaebum walked away from the treacherous closet and tried a few others but those were all locked. He was at the last door in this particular hallway, his hand hovered over the doorknob but this one was clearly ‘Janitor's Closet'. His hand was grasped around the knob and just about to turn it when he heard a voice that he could've sworn was yours.

Jaebum ran towards the sound only to come to an open reception area. He closed his eyes, rubbing his temples at his mounting frustration. Jaebum chewed the inside of his cheek, he wasn't a quitter. He found solutions.

Jaebum jogged to the event coordinator's office and asked to see the sign-up forms for all the contestants today. The woman behind the counter was a little bewildered and wouldn't hand the papers over. This was the first time Jaebum found the fact that she didn't know who he was to be detrimental.

"Sorry. Let me clarify. My name is Im Jaebum and I am one of the judges. It is of the utmost importance that I am able to examine the sign-up papers for the contestants of this event."

The older lady was not buying whatever he was trying to sell. "How do I really know you're Im Jaebum," she asked, narrowing her eyes at him pointedly. Jaebum sighed, pushing his hand through his hair before fishing out his wallet and handing her over a piece of ID on it with his face and name.

"Please ma'am. The papers."

"How do I know you're the real Im Jaebum and not an imposter. I hear you can make a fake ID these days quite easily…." she said, tapping his ID card on a nearby table to see if it would magically explode or something of the like.

Luckily it was at that moment that one of the main event organizers was walking by and saw Jaebum. Jaebum smiled relieved. "Mr. Oh, Will you kindly vouch for this very, very, very diligent worker that I am a judge?" he asked through gritted teeth. After a few more minutes of convincing, Jaebum was finally leafing through the papers until he came across the one for you complete with your picture glued to the application. Jaebum entered your number into his phone and set your contact picture with the picture that was on your application. He smiled genuinely for the first time in a long time. "_________. I'm going to find you. Just you wait." he muttered to himself as he pocketed his phone, neatly collected the papers and returned them to the staff member.

The music had been overwhelming but still, you endured. The sound of your voice and the swell of the instrumental accompaniment was more than you could ever dream of hearing. It sounded like all the songs you had composed in your head using the bits and pieces of whatever you could hear but at the same time, so much more. It was a hard thing to explain to feel like you've known something all your life, have it missing then suddenly and all at once, be immersed in it. Your voice wavered but never cracked as you finished the song, the final notes lingering in the air, the auditorium silent. The only sound that you could hear was the thundering of your beating heart and your ragged breath that followed. The applause was slow but as it grew in size, it drowned out your heart and the tears that you had been holding back erupted. It was too much. The music. The sounds. It was all just too much.

You bolted. You don't remember much about what happened next but all you could remember was the flashing of blurred faces as you ran. Ran as hard as you can looking for somewhere to hide. You needed to just decompress. You needed to process. You had tried multiple doors before you found one that would open. It was a janitor's closet but you didn't care. You pressed yourself into the corner and dropped down, gathering your knees into your chest, squeezing your eyes closed and hands covering your ears.

You had to just concentrate on your breathing and not the constant ringing in your ears. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Your heart was still hammering in your chest but you could no longer tell if that was because of what had happened or how hard you had been running. When you finally felt a modicum of your control return back to you, you sat flat on your bum in the closet. Your hands were shaking and it seemed like no matter what you did you couldn't get them to still. The music. Oh, the music had been beautiful. It had been everything you ever dreamed of and more. Being able to hear it in its entirety only made you more determined to be a part of that world but not only that, it confirmed that you could never go back… go back to not being able to hear.

Only after a few more minutes had passed that it dawned on you. Amidst your panic and being overwhelmed you never thought about the implications. What did it mean that you had been able to hear the music. "Shit." you mutter to yourself rubbing your eyes again and resting your head against the wall. "Fucking shit." Your soulmate. They had been within the allowed proximity to trigger your inability to completely vanish and you hadn't realized. They weren't just a partial match… they were a complete match. The hardest to find and you had bolted from the area. You groan gathering your knees up to your chest again and wrapping your arms around your legs. Resting your chin on your knees you stare at the wall across from you. You were never one to worry about your soulmate. You were of the firm opinion that if you found them you found them, great; if you didn't, it wasn't the end of the world but to have been in the same building or maybe even the same room as them and not found them felt… lacking. But it wasn't even just lacking… it was like you had the winning lottery ticket and you had lost it. It was a weird sense of loss that you couldn't describe. It was as if somehow your body knew, knew that your soulmate was close and now it yearned for that person even more so but you couldn't give your body… your soul what it desired. It was an ache. A slow and throbbing ache.

Your breath hitched in your chest and your eyes went wide as the doorknob jiggled. You stared at the door willing the person on the other side to go away. You couldn't really explain why you were in this closet and would rather not have to. You knew your face was tear-stained and probably not presentable anymore and you just didn't want to deal with people. You didn't want to have to deal with anyone yet. You wanted to wallow and attend your pity party for one for just a little bit longer before you had to face the world again. It seemed like your silent prayer worked as the door remained closed and whoever was standing on the other side of it went away. You let out a breath you didn't know you had been holding. You squeeze your eyes shut again before you crawl towards the door. Reaching upwards you gently turn the knob and open the door just a crack and peer out to make sure there was no one outside so you can make your escape. You slowly poke your head out and once you confirmed there was no one around, you gathered your strength and bolted from the closet, making a beeline for the exit with only home and the safety of your bed and comforter in mind.

It had been two days. Two days since the whole talent show fiasco. Two days that you had holed up in your apartment not answering any of the group messages or the multiple phone calls from your bandmates. You knew they were worried but you couldn't answer questions when you yourself still couldn't really understand what had happened. You had turned off your phone not wanting to hear the constant pinging and reading the constant messages asking where you were and if you were ok. Apparently, your bandmates had had enough. With Sasha in the lead, they stormed your apartment followed by a string of apologies from Meri. You had given Meri a key to your apartment for emergencies which Sasha had commandeered. She was personally leading this raid on your apartment to make sure you were still alive.

"You look horrible," Sasha said regarding you with cool eyes, hands on her hips. You were sure she was right. You hadn't moved from your bed unless it was to feed Sir Fat Butt. You had cereal strewn about your comforter as you casually tried to brush some of it off like that would fix the problem. You could hear the others starting to clean around your apartment and Annie in the kitchen clanging around which meant she was probably going to try to feed you. Your eyes narrowed at Sasha wondering what her duty was. "Up." She commanded. "C'mon, get up. You can use a shower." She muttered as she pulled your comforter off of you and you were reluctantly shoved into your bathroom. "You better shower before I go in there and make you shower," she warned. You chuckled sure that Sasha would definitely follow up on her threats, the small girl didn't make idle threats after all.

You showered quickly and as the water was running down you realized how lucky you were. Your friends loved you so much and you had worried them unnecessarily. You towel off and get dressed in clean clothes and go out to meet your friends. You could tell they had all been worrying about you by the looks on their faces. When your lip starts to quiver with how bad you feel about adding to their stress, they all gather around you and hug you tightly. They all take turns hushing you and reassuring you that no one was mad and that it was ok. You hold onto your friends tightly, not knowing what you had done in your past life to be so deserving of such kind souls in your life. You hear Sasha sniffle as she brushes something away from your eyes and clap her hands.

"Ok. Enough of this. Let's eat yeah?" She said dispersing the group and you all sit down and settle around the table.This was exactly what you needed. You needed them. You needed the support of your friends and only when everyone was full and you were feeling more like yourself again did you finally manage to convince them that it was ok to leave and you would be more present and answer their texts.

"Ay, remember to turn your phone back on your cheeky little butt." Thomas scolded as he handed you your phone as they were all leaving. You hugged them all goodbye before plopping yourself onto your couch and staring at your phone. You turned the device back on and saw how many multiple messages and missed calls you had from your friends. You smiled. You loved them so fucking much. You had all been friends before you started the band together and since you didn't have your family around anymore, they had become everything to you. They were your friends, your family, your support network and you would all do anything for each other.

As you were scrolling through the messages from your friends you notice a text from an unknown number.

[Unknown 11:43 PM] Is this _________'s phone?

[Unknown 11:56 PM] Sorry to disturb if this isn't… but I'm pretty sure it is?

[Unknown 1:03 AM] Sorry this is probably a little… creepy but I am Im Jaebum, the composer. I was at the charity event you performed at and I have an opportunity for you if you're interested in music. Please contact me. Anytime.

You stare down at your phone and the series of messages. You blink, your mind blank staring at the screen unable to make sense of the words displayed. What do they mean they're Im Jaebum? Im Jaebum the composer? Like the actual Im Jaebum? You had heard that he was supposed to be a judge at the charity event but how did he get your number. There were so many questions that suddenly ran rampant through your mind. How did you even know that this was Im Jaebum and not some catfish serial killer that was going to wear your face. Your eyes narrowed and figured since they clearly already had your number, there was no harm in reply….

[_________ 2:45 PM] Um. Hello. How do I know this is really Im Jaebum and not a serial killer.

You press send and waited a few moments before your phone pinged. You were surprised that ‘Im Jaebum' had replied so quickly.

[‘Im Jaebum 2:47 PM] Haha. That is probably for the best that you were suspicious. Better safe than sorry right? How would you like me to prove my identity? A picture?

You took a moment to think about the question. No, a picture wouldn't work because the serial killer could just go into some deep search and pull some weird Jaebum selca… no. Something live would be best…

[_________ 2:53 PM] Facetime?

You hesitate, your finger hovering over the send button. What if this was actually the Im Jaebum? What would you do then? Steeling your nerves, you press send.

When your phone rang with an incoming Facetime call you almost drop your phone. Luckily it only hit the couch and fell into the mysterious beyond but after you fished around quickly, you were able to answer it.

Jaebum's face appeared on your screen and you were thankful that Annie had made you presentable with a little bit of eyeliner and a touch of lip gloss that had survived the food.

"Ah, _________. Sorry to interrupt your day like this. Have you had a chance to think about my proposal?" He asked.

Proposal? Why are you proposing to proposing to me Jaebum… we don't even know each other. You thought before your kicked yourself mentally.  He was talking about his business proposition.

"Ah yes. What kind of opportunity did you have in mind?" you ask curiously.

"I'm looking for an assistant of sorts to help me with my music and I was impressed by you and what you had to offer at the charity event and was wondering if you'd be interested. We can discuss the terms of your employment face to face if you'd like. … Well that is if you still don't think I'm a catfishing serial killer." he chuckled and you felt your cheeks heat up with a blush.

"Oh yes. Well. Like you said, better safe than sorry. When were you thinking of meeting?" You ask.

Jaebum glances at something off screen and you can hear some clicking. You assume that he's probably looking at his schedule or planner to see when he was available. This was Im Jaebum you were talking to, the most sought-after composure and music producer right now.

"Um if it's possible can we do this afternoon? It seems like that's the only time I'm free. Probably early evening given what time it is now. Shall we say 5 at my studio?" he asked, his eyes flicking back up to the camera and seemingly straight through you.

"Yeah sure. That works for me. Just … text me the details and I'll see you then." You agree. He nods and you both exchange goodbyes and the call ends.You sit a little disoriented on your couch. The sound of your clock echoing throughout the room. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

"OhmygoshI'mgoingtogomeetImJaebuminlessthan2hoursandpossiblyworkforhimdoingtheonethingIwantedtodoallmylife."

The words tumbled out of your mouth without so much as a breath between them. You flop flat on your back on your couch and stare at the ceiling. "Can I even do this?" you wonder out loud to yourself. You had heard the rumors of Jaebum's inability being that he couldn't hear music which is the same as your's but he's had professional practice getting around that… If you were going to the studio to help him work on his music did that mean his… girlfriend or whatever would be in the room with you as well so he could hear what he was working on? Did they even have to be in the same room? You suddenly felt like you knew nothing at all and you had to somehow figure out how to get to Jaebum's studio.

You shot a quick text to Sasha with the address of where you were going with strict instructions that if you were not heard from again tonight to please send police to that address.

After paying the taxi driver, your hand rested on the handle. "I could leave right now and he'd be none the wiser," you muttered to yourself. The taxi driver waited patiently as you finally gathered your thoughts and pushed open the door, exiting. You stood in front of a daunting building, staring at it not sure of how you could proceed… You figured it would be best just to walk straight up and hopefully talk to a security guard or receptionist of something of the sort and maybe just maybe, they'd be able to lead you to where you were supposed to go.

As luck would have it, Jaebum had the foresight to give your name to the attendant and they lead you to Jaebum's studio. With a quick tap of your knuckles on his door, it opened to reveal the composer. It was weird to see him in real life. He was a lot more handsome than you were anticipating. It was surreal that you were standing there and then he smiled and you forgot how to breathe for a second. It should be illegal for someone to be this… good looking. You thought to yourself.

"Hi _________! Welcome! Come in come in!" he ushered happily, gesturing to a leather couch he had in his studio.

You perched on the edge of the seat as he sat down in his chair.

"So before we talk about business I want to show you something I've been working on," he said enthusiastically. He turned around and started pressing some buttons on his music equipment.

"Actually my inability doesn't allow me to he--" the words died on your lips.

Suddenly the room was filled with music and you could hear everything. You didn't understand. Your eyes flicked back and forth between the equipment and Jaebum. You let the music play out and fade into nothingness. The room was silent as neither one of you moved.

"W-w-what? What does this mean?" You ask shakily.

Jaebum looked at you with a bright smile on his face replacing his usual expression of coolness. "Don't you get it? We are a complete match. We are the complete match. We are soulmates." His eyes were twinkling as he laid it all out plainly for you.

You were sure you looked like a trout with your mouth hanging open and then closing but you just, you couldn't believe it. You watched with Im Jaebum. The Im Jaebum?! What were even the odds of that? Probably less than the odds that people end up finding their complete match but here you were, you found your complete match and it was him. You didn't understand. What did he want from you then? Did he want to start dating you? God, surely he didn't want to just marry you right off the bat, that'd be absolutely insane! Insane! There were a million different thoughts running through your head when you realized that you didn't know the man sitting in front of you. You had no idea who he was as a person, his ethics, his morals, other than what his name was, what he did for a living and the rumor of how he treated women. You didn't want to be just another one of those tabloid cases…

"I know this might be overwhelming for you but once I met you I knew I had to see you again. It would be insane to think that we would meet the way we did and I don't expect anything of you. Please know that. I just want the opportunity to work with you like I said over text earlier." he explained.

"We are soulmates which means we both share the same inability. The inability to fully hear music but when we are together, I, we, we can hear everything. Everything _________! I want the opportunity for us to work together. For both of us to fully be able to experience the music. You want to become a singer right?" he asked.

You nod slowly, trying to wrap your mind around the idea of working with one of the composers you had idealized for the better part of your life.

"Well after working with me I'm sure there will be so many agencies lined up to sign you that you will have your pick of the litter. So what do you say _________? Will you work with me?" Jaebum asked enthusiastically.

You kept blinking. All he was asking for was that you worked together. Surely you can handle that. He wasn't asking for your hand in marriage.

"Yes. I would like that," you said softly. At that, Jaebum showed you the most brilliant smile you had probably seen in your entire life as he clasped your hands in his.

"To the best working relationship, there ever was!" Jaebum declared.

Over the course of the next few weeks, you worked quite closely with Jaebum as he taught you the in's and out's of the industry. Not only did you help him work on his music, he helped you develop your talents. Now that you were able to hear yourself sing, you were starting to take vocal lessons and together, you were composing music. It was some of the most fulfilling work you've done and it made you so incredibly happy to be able to do so.

Not only were you learning about what it took to be a singer and improve, you were also learning a lot of Jaebum himself. You learned that he was uncomfortable displaying aegyo but had affection for his parents and would act cute for them without hesitation. You learned that he was hyper-aware of his facial expressions and feared that people would think he was ‘unapproachable' or ‘mean' or ‘angry' whenever he wasn't smiling just because his resting face was a little emotionless. You learned that he took care of people subtly, quietly in the background and preferred not to take credit for things like that. You also learned that one of the reasons he didn't do a face reveal was that he was shy to a degree. He didn't like to be the center of attention like that. He wanted his music to stand on its own and in a way, be completely detached from who he was in a person. His vision for his music was that when people heard it, they would only hear about the music, think about the lyrics and not about the person who wrote it. You found that quite admirable of him.

You explained everything to your bandmates. They were just as shocked as you were when you revealed that you had gotten an opportunity to work with Jaebum that you couldn't turn down and they completely understood. They didn't make you feel guilty about accepting the offer or anything and were just genuinely glad for you. You owed so much to them. You want to make them proud. You want to learn all you can and show them just what you can do, to show them that their faith and love in you is not misplaced.

The more time you spend together the more you come to realize just how fundamental the soulmate bond is. Your complete match is something that is so hard to explain. It is like the other person is ‘perfect' for you. They understand you without having to exchange a lot of words. You are more than just compatible it is as if you were made for one another. You compensated for the shortcomings and together, you were much stronger than you were alone. It was natural that you fell for him. He was amazing. He had fully immersed himself in the world of music and extended his hand to you. He took care of you just little things like he had brought a throw into his studio once he noticed you wearing your jacket. He made sure that the studio had the brand of tea you liked even though he didn't drink or like tea. Just little things that made it impossible for you not to fall in love with him but with that knowledge, you were also scared. He had clearly laid out what this relationship was to be. He had stressed that it was to be a professional, working relationship; nothing more. It would be.. unwise of you to expect anything more from him but despite how hard you fought it, you found yourself slipping further and further.

It was an afternoon like any other and like many of those that had already passed. You were a little early to meet Jaebum at the studio but you didn't mind working on your own lyrics while he tended to other things. You were about to knock on the door when you could hear the muffled sound of Jaebum talking to someone on the phone.  You were about to walk away when you heard your name mentioned. You were curious and pressed your ear to the door.

"No, she isn't a distraction. I know we're spending a lot of time together but she's good for my music."

"Yes, I understand."

"No, it isn't like that. There is nothing romantic between us. It is a purely professional relationship."

"With her, I can hear everything. The music. All of it. That's the only reason I'm keeping her around."

"Yeah. Ok. I'll talk to you later."

You were barely able to pull away from the door when it swung open. Jaebum regarded you with wide eyes as you tried to play it off like you had just arrived.

"Uh… did you just get here?" He asked hesitantly.

"Yeah! I just got here literally just before you opened the door." You answered, a little too brightly for it to seem natural. You could tell that Jaebum didn't quite buy your act but he let it slide nonetheless. He stepped aside and you walked into the studio like you had all the times before as you both got down to work. Things were off. You could both tell that but you both refused to address it. You were both stubborn as you pushed through but the day was simply not productive. No matter what the two of you tried you were just out of sync and no matter what you did, you couldn't seem to get into the flow of things.

Jaebum pushed his hand through his hair irritatedly and sighed for the millionth time that day.

"Let's just call it a day. Nothing is happening and we are just getting more frustrated." he reasoned which you totally agreed with. You nodded slowly sitting there.

"Hey, _________, are you ok?" he asked concerned as he reached out to touch your arm. You jerk your arm away and Jaebum's facial expression changed, becoming confused and maybe a flash of hurt across his eyes that disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.

"Sorry. I just. I don't feel well." you said hurriedly as you gathered your things. "I'm just going to go home," you said. Not waiting to hear his answer, you push open the door and escaped. You were walking quickly to the exit when you heard Jaebum calling your name.

"_________! Wait up!"

But still, your gait didn't slow. You hailed a taxi and climbed in, giving him your address, you drove off as Jaebum exited the building and stood there. You watch his figure become smaller and smaller in the side mirror and you can't help but feel terrible.

"I shouldn't have done that. I'm so stupid," you mutter to yourself, blinking back your tears. You shouldn't have had any expectations of him. It wasn't his fault that you fell for him. He never asked you to. Why did it hurt so much that he was expressing how professional your relationship was with his manager? Or you assumed it was his manager. For all, you knew it could be his girlfriend. But still, the ache in your chest you felt in the closet returned. You felt so incredibly stupid. Not only did you manage to make yourself look like a fool, you could've potentially just jeopardized the best shot you had at making something of yourself in this industry all because you just couldn't get your head on straight.

You cried silently in the back of the taxi and thankfully, the taxi driver didn't ask why.

The streak of unprofessionalism continued. You couldn't bear to be in the same room as him. You kept canceling your appointments and trying to reschedule things to a point where Jaebum had to call you.

"What is going on _________? Do you not want to pursue a career in this anymore?" Jaebum asked pointedly.

It took a second before you could make your vocal chords obey. "No. It's not that. I just. I. I don't know." you answered softly.

"I don't know is not good enough. They won't accept I don't know's from you when you have deadlines to meet! What are you thinking?!" Jaebum started to scold you.

You let him continue to ramble on, talking about how irresponsible you were being and how you were sabotaging yourself and if you wanted this you couldn't act like that.

"... is it true what you said the other day?" You ask your voice barely above a whisper.

"What are you talking about _________?" You could hear the irritation in his voice. You would be irritated too if you were him.

"When you told whoever you were talking to on the phone that you were just keeping me around so you could work on your music." You said.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"The other day. You told someone you only kept me around so you could work on your music. That you … " you couldn't bring yourself to say the words ‘not romantically interested' because if he confirmed them, then there would be no solace for you.

"Is that what all of this is about?" Jaebum asked. "Of course I don't keep you around just for that. I… I care about you." he said.

"But do you just care for me like you would a friend?" you asked, a burst of courage coming out of nowhere.

"Of course I care about you as a friend… you know me better than anyone else _________. Are we not friends?" he asked.

You sighed. You felt so foolish. It was clear that your feelings were one-sided and now you looked like an idiot.

"_________? Are you still there?" Jaebum asked, worry in his voice.

"Yeah, I'm still here. Um, I gotta go." You said abruptly.

"What? But we haven't addressed the issue of whether or not we are going to meet our deadlines. You can't just go _________. You have to be a profes--"

You hung up. Only when the tears fell on the screen of your phone in your lap did you realize you were crying. You were being such a big baby about this but why did it have to hurt so much? Surely you wouldn't cry as much if it didn't hurt like this. Your phone vibrated in your hand as Jaebum's name flashed across your screen. He was trying to call you back but you hit decline. You didn't care that you were being irresponsible right now. He had been able to compose before you met and surely he'd be able to compose afterwards too. You were of no consequence to him. You were strong and independent and somehow when you were around him you forgot that. You found yourself wanting to rely on him too much. You looked forward to seeing him just, too much. You had let him in regardless of your boundaries and now you were the only one that was hurt.

You had to end things. You would find a different way to break into the industry without his help. It wasn't like you could unfind your soulmate. You knew who he was. He would always be there but it hurt too much to be around him and know that he didn't reciprocate your feelings. You didn't want to be that sappy dumb girl that yearned for a boy that would never love her back. That wasn't who you were! You copped out and wrote Jaebum a text explaining that unfortunately, you wouldn't be able to continue working with him because your bandmates really needed you and that you didn't want to let them down. You told him you appreciated the opportunity he had given you by letting you work with him and you'd make sure to carry on everything he had taught you.

You didn't give him a chance to reply before you blocked his number for good measure. You didn't need him contacting you to try to sway your decision. This is what you wanted to do. This would be the best thing for the both of you. He could continue on being an award-winning composer and you would find a way to sing again.

Your bandmates were excited to have you back. They tried to ask you about your experience but after some clipped answers, they dropped it. The days drifted by until the ache was less painful until it was just a dull thrum in your chest. You knew what you wanted. You knew why your soul ached. It wanted to be with Jaebum. You wanted to be with Jaebum but he didn't want to be with you. So you pushed on. You lived every day, just day by day, concentrating on producing music with your band and practicing singing the best you could.

There was an up and coming showcase for the agency that Jaebum worked for and it was revealed that Jaebum would be performing. Actually doing a live performance at this showcase which was absolutely unheard of for him. Despite yourself, you bought a ticket. Just because you weren't talking to him didn't mean you couldn't come and support him. You knew how hard he worked despite his reputation as a womanizer. You knew just how much music meant to him and how far he would go to produce his music so you could do this little bit for him. It was actually very hard to secure a ticket given the novelty of Jaebum's face reveal but luckily you were able to secure a ticket with one of the staff that remembered you used to work with Jaebum. You thanked her profusely and she ensured that it was no trouble at all.

The night of the performance you were a bundle of nerves. It had been a few weeks since you had seen him but you were sure he was even more nervous than you. You were attending the event alone and it didn't take you long to find your seat.  You looked over the program and you saw the Jaebum was closing out the show which made sense since he was the main attraction. You also knew that Jaebum would know that you were here. In this building because you would both be able to hear all the acts tonight without any hindrance. The knot in your stomach only tightened when the lights dimmed and the show began.

Everyone had been spectacular. You could see everyone's hard work paying off and all those long hours of practice, they were finally able to show off all that they had been working for. You clapped enthusiastically for each act as it concluded and when it was time for the final performance of the night, you thought that you were going to throw up. Jaebum walked on stage dressed sharply as a single spotlight followed him over to the piano that had been set up for him at center stage. He sat down and adjusted the mic.

"This song is for someone that I undervalued. When I thought what they gave me was all I could accept and only when they left did I realize the void that they had left behind."

With those final words, your song filled the auditorium. Correction. It was the song you and he had been working on and the one you had abandoned halfway through. He had finished it. He was singing your lyrics. You were crying again but you weren't the only one. Many of the people around you were tearing up at the song. This was the power of music. The ability to be able to touch so many souls and convey such moving emotions. It was so powerful that you just felt swept up. Though Jaebum was known for composing and producing, his voice was like honey. It was smooth and rich and so warm. It enveloped you and made you crave more.  It felt like an eternity had passed but at the same time, it feels like it ended too soon as the final notes lingered in the air.

When Jaebum was done, he got up, bowed and exited. The roar of the applause was deafening as you excused yourself. You had been an idiot. You knew you were an idiot but now it was confirmed. You needed to see him. You gathered your dress in your hand as your excused yourself and ran backstage. You ran down what seemed to be a million endless hallways and ran into half a dozen security guards. You kept getting stopped and then you saw him. Your eyes met and he froze.

"_________?" He asked unsure as if he were seeing a ghost.

"Um. Hi." You said waving awkwardly. You look up at the security guard and with a grunt, he let you pass.

"_________. I can't believe you're here." Jaebum muttered as you made a beeline towards him.

"I'm going to kiss you." You said looking Jaebum straight in the eye. "If you don't want me to. Say no. But if you don't, I am going to kiss you." you said. Jaebum's eyes widened but he didn't say no and he didn't walk away. You stood up on your tiptoes and moved your face closer to his, giving him plenty of time to pull away before you pressed your lips against his. The kiss was tentative at first. You were hesitant and it was nothing more than the two of you pressing your lips against each other's but when Jaebum's started to move against yours, it changed.

His kiss grew hungry as his arms wrapped around you and pressed you up against a wall. It was only when the security guard cleared his throat that the two of you separated. Jaebum cleared his throat sheepishly.

"Um. Ok. Yeah. Me too." He grinned holding onto your hand tightly. "Do you want to go talk in private? Back at my place or something? Or your place? Someplace not here?" he asked.

"I vote not here. Not here would be great." the security guard quipped.

You couldn't help the giggle that came out as Jaebum grabbed your hand and ducked out of the nearest exit. You were able to hail a taxi in no time at all and sat on your best behavior in the backseat despite Jaebum giving you seductive glances. Through the whole taxi ride, your hands never left each other and it took no time at all for you to reach Jaebum's apartment. It did, however, take him a little bit of fumbling with the keys before he finally got the door unlocked.

Once he got you inside of the apartment Jaebum gathered you up in his arms and kissed you, hard, and hungry. "I should've done this the first time I saw you. This was the only thing I could think about seeing you on stage. Just how incredible you were." He said in between his kisses. You laughed and turned around.

"How about you help me out of this dress?" You asked moving your hair from the zipper found at the back of the dress. Jaebum laughed as he unzipped your dress and it slipped off your shoulders. It didn't take much longer for the both of you to find yourselves free of all hindrances and on Jaebum's bed.

His hands roamed your body, his fingers ghosted against your flex and found themselves soon against the apex of your thighs. Your breath hitched as you felt his finger press and dip against you, eliciting a soundless moan as your lips parted. Jaebum took advantage of that fact as he started kissing you again, invading your mouth with his tongue as he left his imprint on you. His finger delved into you as you reached down and wrapped your own hand around his hardened length. Jaebum groaned against your neck.

"Yes… just like that. That feels so good." Jaebum cooed. You could feel the wetness between your legs start to pool. You needed him. You needed him so desperately.

"Jaebum… please. I want you." You begged softly. His eyes twinkled with delight as he rolled over to his nightstand and retrieved a condom. Once he had it, he maneuvered himself between his legs. You widened your legs for him and when you were relaxing, preparing yourself to be filled to the brim with him, you felt his tongue on you instead.

"Jaebum!" You moaned, throwing your head back and clutching the blanket underneath you. Your breath was coming in pants as he stroked and parted you using his tongue, his fingers expertly dipping in and out of you, mimicking what would happen in just a few moment.

"Oh, baby you taste so good." Jaebum purred against you. Your fingers entangled themselves in his hair as your back arched.

"Please Jaebum… I need you inside of me. Please… I won't last much longer." you plead and he obliged. Sheathing himself, he lined up to your entrance and in one fluid movement, entered you.

"Ah…" he groaned out appreciatively.

The sound of Jaebum's hips hitting yours echoed off the walls and it was a sound you would never get tired of hearing. His lips closed around a hardened nipple which only made you wrap your legs around him. Jaebum chuckled softly, adjusting to this new position but he didn't let it slow him down much. If anything, it only increased his pace as a thin sheen of sweat covered both of your bodies.

"Baby, I'm not going to last much longer…" he groaned, burying his face into the crook of his neck, the slight shift in angling had him now hitting that special spot inside of you that made you feel like you were going to explode. You couldn't even formulate the words to answer him back but instead, a strangled cry erupted from you as stars exploded behind your closed eyes. Jaebum tensed and grunted loudly as he too, reached his climax. He laid atop of you trying to brace his weight on his elbows as you both caught your breath. Jaebum kissed the tip of your nose as he rolled over. You chuckled slightly as you stretched out, feeling better than you had in a long time. After Jaebum cleaned up, he brought you a towel to wipe off the sweat. He pulled you gently towards his body and held you close.

"I… didn't think this was going to happen," Jaebum admitted softly. "Before you, there was only the music for me. That's all I wanted out of life and I guess that's why I didn't realize..  Just what you meant to me until you went berserk." he chuckled.

You gasped in indignation and slapped Jaebum's arm playfully. "I didn't go berserk!" you defended.

"Let's not kid ourselves. You definitely lost it for a little bit there." He chuckled. "But I'm glad you did because if you didn't, you wouldn't have been able to break the composure of the composer." he laughed.

You grinned like a fool as you cuddled closer to Jaebum, holding onto him. "I think I love you," you said softly.

Jaebum's arms wrapped tighter around you. "I guess with a soulmate bond it's pretty inevitable huh… I never expected someone like you to come into my life but I'm glad you did. You bring a soundtrack all your own and now it's all I can hear. I love you _________."

[girlsbtrs]

Using Music to Regulate and Express Emotions

Graphic & Written by James N. Grey

I think I spent my entire childhood in a depression. And I think I spent all of the depression concurrently with anxiety. I say I think because I was never truly diagnosed, not until I entered my junior year of college. But my diagnosis isn’t new; it’s barely average. It almost feels overdone, actually. And to everyone else in charge, I’m pretty much just a statistic.

I’m alright with being one though because it’s just another way to say that my story is valid. And we should all receive validation for whatever it is that we’re going through, or went through.

And I think that lack of validation is what led me to turn to a lot of digital media, namely music, as a child. And I think that’s how I regulated whatever emotions I did have when alternating between feeling too much (anxiety) and feeling nothing at all (depression). No, I know that’s how I regulated my emotions.

Let me explain: I grew up in a house full of five other kids, three of which were my cousins, and all of our parents, and my grandmother. That’s eleven people in what I would consider a normal-sized house. It was a mother-daughter type home, so each family got a side. That did nothing to stop the rampant arguments and abuse, both physical and emotional.

It was chaotic and hierarchical: my dad and uncle at the top of the food chain, the sons next, the wives after, and the daughters last. I spent my early childhood years, from 3 to 8, being taught my place, so to speak. And from then on, I always knew I’d come out last, and was always put in my place.

But what about the music, you ask. When and where does that come in? Your life story is great, but I didn’t exactly ask for it.

Nah, you didn’t. But I’m gonna tell you anyway. Because it’s important. It’s relevant.

My family’s refusal to acknowledge the horror of the situation they put us all in and my inability to express myself due to my environment pushed me to find acknowledgement and validation in music, as I clearly wasn’t receiving it elsewhere.

I chose music that specifically communicated whatever emotion I was feeling at the moment and used mainly this coping mechanism to regulate my emotions. Studies have shown that people with a tendency toward depression were more likely to listen to sad music (Garrido & Schubert, 2013). Researchers have also found that depressed individuals listened to music more often than non-depressed individuals (Wilhelm et al., 2013).

Unfortunately for me, I also believe I innately had a harder time processing emotions due to being emotionally sensitive. Researchers have found that the temperaments of some children are just more innately capable of self-regulating than others (Schore, 2015). 

And using music to regulate emotions isn’t surprising (Thayer et al., 1994). Studies show that depression is linked with impaired emotional regulation skills (Campbell-Sills et al., 2006). And emotional regulation is defined as pinpointing which emotion you have when you have it and how you express and/or experience that particular emotion (Gross, 2014). Since I couldn’t name what emotion I was feeling, due to my depression caused by my chaotic environment and also possibly by my innate personality, I turned to music to define it for me. This actually led me to almost singularly use music to regulate my emotions, which isn’t bad, but it is when it’s your safest option. 

You’re wondering: Okay… So why didn’t you just find other ways to understand and express your emotions? 

Yeah, here’s the thing, here’s the kicker: based on my culture and religion, I was seen as a product of my father rather than a separate person, so I had to fulfill the requirements of a product. The core of it was this: I had to look like a doll and get good grades so they could improve their honor as a family and be able to sell me off to the highest bidder (another man) for marriage. Experiences and emotions would not increase my monetary value so they were actively snuffed out. 

And when you’re at the bottom of the food chain, you don’t want to get caught doing something you’re not supposed to be doing. The problem is that you don’t always know what’s forbidden. So you don’t want to get caught doing anything. If you do get caught, you’re screwed. Because now that they’ve noticed you, they’re gonna find ways to reinforce pushing you back to the bottom of the food chain/force you into acting like an object and they’re going to gaslight you and invalidate you.

This is how I lived up until I left for college. It was exactly like Daya’s song title, “Sit Still, Look Pretty.” 

BUT!

I knew that I could always get away with looking busy doing schoolwork. And I could totally get away with listening to music with earphones whilst doing so. Because it was quiet and unobtrusive.

So I listened to a lot of sadboi/emo/rock music because I was feeling very sadboi/emo/punk, and this music named what I was feeling and that it was okay to feel that way. Naming anything is half the battle sometimes. 

Although some studies say listening to sad music has a negative effect on emotional states (sad music makes you sadder) (Garrido & Schubert, 2013), there is a recent study that contradicts this finding which happens to be in line with my life experience and anecdotal evidence. This study found that those with depression may be listening to sad music for its calming effects rather than to maintain their sad feelings (Yoon et al., 2020). And that’s definitely what music did for me.

Music made me feel heard. It validated my existence, validated my experiences, and validated my emotions. Music was something that I could always turn to to make me feel safe.

I’ve since learned other coping mechanisms to regulate my emotions: I’ve spent a lot of time with only myself to pinpoint exactly what I’m feeling and noting patterns in how I express those emotions. But I still go back to music, this time with an expanded repertoire of genres and styles so I can express everything, and feel it too, with the freedom to be myself, breaking away from hierarchical constraints. 

Works Cited

Campbell-Sills, L., Barlow, D. H., Brown, T. A., & Hofmann, S. G. (2006). Effects of suppression and acceptance on emotional responses of individuals with anxiety and mood disorders. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(9), 1251–1263. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.10.001

Garrido, S., & Schubert, E. (2013). Moody melodies: Do they cheer us up? A study of the effect of sad music on mood. Psychology of Music, 43(2), 244–261. https://doi.org/10.1177/0305735613501938

Gross, J. J. (2014). Emotion regulation: Conceptual and empirical foundations. In 

Gross, J. J. (Ed.), Handbook of emotion regulation (2nd ed., pp. 3–20). New 

York, NY: Guildford Press.

Schore, A. N. (2015). Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self. Taylor & Francis.

Thayer, R. E., Newman, J. R., & McClain, T. M. (1994). Self-regulation of mood: Strategies for changing a bad mood, raising energy, and reducing tension. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67(5), 910–925. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.67.5.910

Wilhelm, K., Gillis, I., Schubert, E., & Whittle, E. L. (2013). On a Blue Note: Depressed Peoples’ Reasons for Listening to Music. Music and Medicine, 5(2), 76–83. https://doi.org/10.1177/1943862113482143

Yoon, S., Verona, E., Schlauch, R., Schneider, S., & Rottenberg, J. (2020). Why do depressed people prefer sad music? Emotion, 20(4), 613–624. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000573

[sorrelchestnut]

2017 Fic in Review

Tagged by the wonderful @solas-you-nerd​, which is great because I find this sort of thing fascinating.  I decided to separate this into two sections, AO3 stats and ~author opinions.~  And to be fair and equitable, I've left Cry Havoc out of the stats section, since as a long-term WIP a lot of its numbers came from well before 2017, and shouldn't be counted.

STATISTICS

No surprise anywhere here.  The "top threes" are all the same fics, in the same order.  The clear favorite was for a new, active fandom that I was posting in right as it was getting going, and then some heavy falloff to the next two, which were rule 63 AU fics in a fandom that is past its heyday.  For that series, the fics received attention more or less in the order they were posted, with interest falling off as subsequent fics in the series were posted.

1. Your 3 fanfics with the most comment threads in 2017:

52: Shoot to Thrill (ME:A, f!Ryder/Reyes) 12: go home, or make a home (Hobbit movies, Thorin/f!Bilbo) 11: Songs You Know by Heart (Hobbit movies, Thorin/f!Bilbo)

2: Your 3 fanfics with the most kudos in 2017:

278: Shoot to Thrill (ME:A, f!Ryder/Reyes) 185: go home, or make a home (Hobbit movies, Thorin/f!Bilbo) 141: Songs You Know by Heart (Hobbit movies, Thorin/f!Bilbo)

3: Your 3 fanfics with the most bookmarks in 2017:

75: Shoot to Thrill (ME:A, f!Ryder/Reyes) 44: go home, or make a home (Hobbit movies, Thorin/f!Bilbo) 28: Songs You Know by Heart (Hobbit movies, Thorin/f!Bilbo)

4: Your first fanfic in 2017:

Posted 04-12-2017: Shoot to Thrill (ME:A, f!Ryder/Reyes)

5: Your last fanfic in 2017:

Posted 11/01/2017: Jeepers Creepers (FO4, Deacon gen)

6: Your longest fanfic in 2017:

23,984: Consider the Thorns (Hobbit movies, Thorin/f!Bilbo)

OPINIONS

1: Favorite opening line from a fic in 2017:

Bryony Baggins was, in the general way of things, a gentlehobbit.  (from go home, or make a home)

I actually love the whole opening section, but the first line was pretty good too.  It was my attempt to ape something of Tolkien's tone as best I could, and while other stories in the series (and, for that matter, the rest of the fic) diverged back to more my own style, this bit was fun to play with.  I particularly had a blast retooling the first conversation between Bree and Gandalf; for example, Bree stealing "I am Gandalf, and Gandalf is me!" line from the book.  It also made for a great whiplash to pull from that right into the aftermath of the battle, with all of the grief and hope that entailed.

2: Favorite ending line from a fic in 2017:

“I’m right behind you, ma’am,” he says, and it feels like the first true thing he’s ever said. “You can count on me.”  (from The Hollow Man)

This was SUCH an important line for me; well before I wrote this scene, it was always in the back of my head.  It's symbolic in the sense that he's saying "you can trust me at your back" which is a big thing since the last time they saw each other, she basically handed him a gun and a motive and dared him to shoot her.  It's also his way of expressing... not just loyalty, which she knew she had when he showed up, and not just affection, which she knew she had regardless of how he chose - but fealty.  Not a soldier following a commanding officer, but a knight swearing to a queen.  Which, despite the outward trappings of their relationship, is very much what they are.

3: Your favorite character to write for in 2017:

X6-88 was my dark horse favorite for 2017.  (Pun very much NOT intended.)  He's a man of VERY strong opinions, which make him a fantastic character, even if I don't agree with said opinions (or, for that matter, all of his actions).  He's a bundle of contradictions, and my favorite contradiction is how he can be so seemingly robotic and yet so hilariously human about some things.  He has doubts, and is startlingly honest about them.  He's such a prideful dick when it comes to being a courser; no else, save perhaps the Sole Survivor themself, really measures up to his standards, and he's not shy with his disdain.  But he's also bone-loyal, and not just because he's programmed to be, and he knows how to admit when he's wrong.

Also, he curses, and listening to him curse in that monotone voice is GREAT.  A shallow finish, but there we are.

4: Your favorite pairing to write for in 2017:

I really enjoyed writing Thorin/Bree, because I loved the chance to write belligerent sexual tension that is fun and snappy and not, like, bordering on abusive behavior.  But my real favorite is actually the tangled Sole/MacCready/X6-88 triangle.  When I first started writing what would eventually be The Hollow Man, I was working on it as a character piece but didn't really know how he'd fit into the existing Sole/Mac dynamic.  I thought he'd hate Mac and respect Sole - you can see that in the opening section, before the time jump.  But just look at X6's handoff dialogues.  There's basically three companions he judges worthy of looking after the Sole Survivor: Strong, because he's big and, well, strong enough to serve as a bodyguard; Danse, because he has the "training and equipment" to serve as a bodyguard; and MACCREADY.  "I know your reputation, MacCready.  I'm confident you can handle whatever threats you encounter."

Once I realized that X6 could - and would! - respect Mac, after getting the chance to actually see him at work, the rest just fell into place.  I liked writing Sole basically bludgeoning X6 into compliance using logic and charisma, but the most important part of that scene was always that X6 fell for Mac first; he was only able to see Sole for who she really is because of seeing her in context with MacCready.  Neither of them  could have brought X6 to the point of decision he reached in that fic on their own.

5: Your proudest fic from 2017:

Definitely go home, or make a home.  This fic shouldn’t exist, y’all.  I started it back in 2014, but it basically disappeared into the void once I started my final semester in grad school.  I always used to open it up, sigh wistfully about finishing it someday, and then put it back down.  And then this year, I was thinking about turning thirty and how it was this big landmark but didn’t feel like a big landmark, and I decided to make something of it by finishing an old WIP by my birthday.  And so I pulled that one out, dusted it off, and I fucking did it.  I had to come up with an ending and then redo the entire middle to make it more compliant with the third movie, but I did it.

Also, it stands out because my normal writing style for OCs is to describe them from the outside-in: you’ll notice that all of my video game fic is from the POV of the canon LI.  Cullen and Evelyn, Deacon and Whisper, Mac and Sole… it’s easiest for me to construct a character from their actions, rather than their feelings, but this was all Bree’s point of view.  So that’s a big thing for me, something I hadn’t much done before.

6: Any goals for 2018?

I have two bigs WIPs that I really, desperately want to finish: Cry Havoc, and everybody’s pickin’ up on that feline beat.  I think I’ve only got another few chapters left on Cry Havoc, and feline beat is halfway through its last chapter, and looking at maybe…  a dozen more scenes?  Ish?  Totally doable, assuming I don’t get distracted by other stuff like I usually do.  A stretch goal would be to finish The Narrow Way, but that chapter is like… three disconnected scenes with no beginning or ending, so that’s a considerably bigger challenge.

7: Tag some people.

I don’t really do individual tags, generally speaking, but you!  Person who is reading this who wrote something in 2017!  Consider yourself tagged!

[upsidedowninmyworld]

1-91? :)

Sure, I’m bored and can’t sleep anyway

1:When did you lose your virginity?

Hmm...when I was 17

2: Rough sex or soft sex?

Depends

3: Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes?

I don’t think so?

4: Weirdest place you’ve had sex?

Park bathroom. Nastiest shit ever. Do not recommend

5: Favourite sex position?

Doggy hehe

6: Do you like to be dominant or submissive?

Submissive mostly, but every now and then, the opposite

7: Have you ever had any one night stands?

Yes

8: Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?

Bed

9: Have you ever had sex in a public place?

Yes lol

10: Have you ever been caught masturbating?

I don’t think so

11: What does your favourite sexy underwear look like?

It’s black and lacy :3

12: How often do you have sex?

HA right now: zero because my boyfriend and I are far away from each other :(

13: Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?

My boyfriend

14: Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?

Both

15: Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?

I fell off the bed

16: A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?

I have a playlist for that

17: A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex?

Hmm honestly, it’d be something my boyfriend chose; I either listen to depressing music or really loud, abrasive music

18: Are you into dressing up for sex?

Sure, why bot

19: Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower?

Shower

20: If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be?

My boyfriend

21: Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you?

Hmm...I think I’d be down

22: Do you/would you use sex toys?

Haha, yes

23: Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?

Yes

24: Would you have sex with your best friend?

My boyfriend is my best friend so, yes?

25: Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink)

Sleep or eat. And cuddle

26: Something that will never fail to get you horny?

Someone wrapping their hands around my neck

27: Early morning sex or late night sex?

Ooh both

28: Favourite body part on the opposite sex?

Hands. They must be clean and groomed, though

29: Favourite body part on the same sex?

Ooh butt

30: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

My sex toys 😂

31: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

Someone wanted to fuck the back of my knee

32: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

Yes, I think I taste quite good

33: Is it ever okay to not use a condom:

If it is consensual, yes

34: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

Whipped cream :3 or chocolate

35: Worst possible time to get horny:

In church

36: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans?

Yes it’s fucking hot

37: How much fapping is too much fapping:

Too much till you die

38: Best sexual complement you ever got:

Hmm...probs something about my butt

39: Favorite foreplay activities:

Making out, grinding on him, teasing him, etc

40: What do you wear to bed?

A big shirt

41: When was the first time you masturbated:

I think I was like 14?

42: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?

Yes I do

43: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?

Does the car count? Before quarantine that’s for sure

44: Have/would you ever have sex in public?

Yes

45: Have/would you ever had a threesome?

I think I’ve answered this

46: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

Vibrator

47: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not?

Yes I do

48: Do you like oral sex? (why/why not)

I fucking love it

49: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?

I like them

50: How would you feel about taking someones virginity?

Done it but now that I’m older, it’s super weird

51: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter?

Spicy food

52: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?

Porn Star

53: Do you watch porn?

Yes I do

54: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?

No?

55: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”?

Yes lol

56: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair?

Uhhh I’ve never really tried so can’t say. I’m really sensitive to smell so maybe

57: If you could give yourself head, would you?

Sure lol

58: Booty or Boobs?

Booty!

59: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?)

No

60: If you were the other sex for a day, what are five things you would do?

I would do so many things with my dick lol

61: have you ever watched someone masturbate?

Yes

62: has anyone ever watched you masturbate?

Yes

63. Have you ever had an erection and someone noticed?

Not a dude but I have given my boyfriend many hard ons in public 😘

64. What is your method of masturbation? (ie. toys, clitorial, prostate)

Clitoral/toys

65. What is your bra/penis size?

34/36c it fluctuates

66. What is the strangest thing you have ever put up your vagina/anus?

A cleaned out beer bottle?

67. When was the last time you masturbated?

Yesterday

68. When was the last time you had sex?

Been too long ☹️

69. When was the last time you watched porn? Like 5 minutes ago

70. Have you ever bought a sex toy? If so, which one did you buy last? First sex toy? If not, which one do you plan on buying when you do?

I bought a new g spot vibe and a bullet. First sex toy was a gift from a now-ex

71. Guys:Circumsized?

Sure

72. Which not-genital part of your body do you like being touched?

My shoulders, neck

73. Which genital part of your body do you like being touched?

My clit?

74. Girls:Are you able to achieve orgasm just through breast stimulation?

No

75. Have you anonymously sent a sexual ask to someone on tumblr?

Yes

76. When was the last time you have had a wet dream?

Hahaha like 2 nights ago

77. Which wet dream was your favorite?

Hmmm

78. Is there a friend you would willingly have sex with?

Not right now no

79. Is there a celebrity/character you would willingly have sex with?

Ruby rose is pretty fucking hot

80. Favorite sexual position?

Answered

81. Do you like being called a slut or whore in bed?

If it’s the right person

82. Are you into any BDSM?

Yes I am

83. Have you ever wanted to have sex with someone but knew you couldnt for any reason? Why?

I think so? They were in an open relationship but didn’t tell me about it until way after sooo

84. Do you like dirty talk?

I do

85. Are you loud or quiet during sex? Masturbation?

I can be loud during sex but pretty quiet otherwise

86. Have you ever been inturrepted during sex or masturbation? Who/what?

Yes lol

87. What kind of porn do you like to watch?

It depends

88. Have you ever confessed to someone that you got an erection over them? What about masturbated to them?

Masturbated yes

89. Have you ever masturbated because your sexual partner wasn’t there when you needed them?

Yes

90. Have you ever had a one night stand? Do you still keep in contact with them?

Nope lol

91. Have you ever had a friends with benefits? Are they still beneficial?

I have had a friend with benefits, same person who was in an open relationship and we ended up dating very, very briefly (less than a month). He showed me proof that they were both accepting of an open relationship but still didnt with well with me that he waited until I found out to tell me. We were better off as friends anyway. Great friend, shitty boyfriend for anyone

[inuashnar1]

LONE DANCER

The following text comes from an online document I stumbled upon in 2014. It consists of 30 Days, and 30 tasks to complete. I had not completed the tasks in 30days, but i had chose to complete the tasks in 1 day following me and my friend Kate’s journey through two days in Montreal in the summer of 2015. I hope this resource can be of use to someone else as it was to me. 

*** the text is in reverse as the online resource posted it in succession. 

LONE DANCER

DAY 30

(4:14)

On letting go/ the satisfaction of familiarity/ post-ritual-re-entry/ hoping the feeling will stay/ some things can't be undone/ there's only the other side now.An emotional feast for 30 days of idiocy.Go there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDKO6XYXioc

DAY 29

(3:99)

On reflection, good finds, and what stands out.Some things confirm what you’re already looking for.Go for big cheeseball statements and big messy moves / the panic before day 30.

http://vimeo.com/62398895

DAY 28 (any duration) Still life, thinking-face, and museum persona paranoia. Compose an arrangement of objects. Witness the sensation of your movements. Witness yourself doing the activity/ be a spectator for your own dance. http://www.boredpanda.com/13-hyper-realistic-sculptures-by-ron-mueck/

DAY 27 (4:44) The sound and the feel: doing music. Auditory and motor neurons fire collectively/ listening and moving as synonymous activities/ dance magic, brain magic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TudLjZ_4VhU http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxDmP8c4QUI

DAY 26 (3:44) Discomfort: the movement between skin and clothes/ germ dance/ another twerk infection. Adjust, shift, and retreat from under your costume. Multiple layers make for multiple planes of movement. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=an-jxv4bjQI

DAY 25 (2:02) On finding the centre, balance in flux, and symmetry: a dance that constantly wavers, has no backbone, and is an illusion of stillness. http://www.julianwolkenstein.com/index.php/project/symmetrical-portraits/

DAY 24 (3:56) Adaptation by bad notation. Declassify form, take history, don’t leave it to professionals: hijack a dance and reduce it to its rhythmic definition/ sequence of events over time/ anything regular and repeating. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvQurkIeuPI (Romeo and Juliet) BAAA BAAA BAAA BAAA hold, slide, ba dee ba ba (x 3) huh a huh a huh a huh a huh a huhhhhh hold, slide, ba dee ba ba (x 2) tak tap tak tap tak tap tak tap squee squee squee squee squee squee squee hold na na na na na na ahhh na na slide, na na slide hold, hold, hold, shifff, hold (x 2) na na na na na na ahhh bah bah bah HUH (x 2) bah bah bah bah huh bahhh huh hu bah bah bah HUH (x 4) BAAA BAAA BAAA BAAA Sweeeee yah ha (x2) Sweeeeeeeeee yah yah ah ha Tick tick tick tick, tock, tock Brrmmmmmmm BRUM bum BRUM.

DAY 23 (< 3:00) Commitment wanes over time: vulnerability dances for Day 23. Pass through the wall, be persuaded by gravity, kick when you’re down. http://vimeo.com/64214656

DAY 22 (2:03) Commit to linear/ one fell swoop: a dance of continuous lines (body doodles). The value of each line stays the same, but contours and combinations make new values. http://vimeo.com/67054364

DAY 21 (2:06) Destruction as creation/ transformation: Wreck something just because. Swan Lake, anything Top 40, write a critique, make a mess, cut your hair, use a sledgehammer. Notice your movements. Notice before and after. Pick a wicked song from your playlist. http://vimeo.com/77321304 http://amartinezenglish.wikispaces.com/file/detail/The+Destructors+-+By+Graham+Greene.pdf

DAY 20 (any duration) On inertia/ only 10 days left. Start a dance that requires almost no effort to continue. If there's nothing slowing you down, it can be hard to stop. A dance that redirects momentum, recycles, and loops. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOMWaSXibKY

DAY 19 (4:01) Rounded edges and fuzzy borders: obstructing sensation with something warm, and poofy. Lose dexterity, and dampen your contact with the dance floor. Bootays, oven mitts, snowsuits, and bubble wrap. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oKTOTrao9g

DAY 18 (1:010110) Old technology, and choreography in confined spaces. Imprint several movements as you dance. Capture some of them with a photocopier/ scanner/ fax machine/ polariod. Make an arrangement that feels good. Become aware of your arbitrary, yet personal, taste.

DAY 17 (10:00) Virtuosity, affecting evolution, or adapting to circumstances. Dedication can lead to all kinds of cool stuff. Make a dance that generates potential energy by compressing and expanding (making springs). Different spring ratios make for different kinds of virtuosity. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLlO3iIFTzg

DAY 16 (any duration) A break from newness, reinvention, and keeping up: a dance that can only do One Thing At A Time. Notice delays. (Anticipating movement is still movement) (Thinking about the next movement is still movement, even if you talk yourself out of doing it) (It’s all dancing if you want it to be) http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=95256794

DAY 15 (5:00 or so) At the halfway point / comparison cues the nervous system. Dance only with the left side of your body for 5-8 minutes. Take a moment to compare sides. How long does the uneven feeling stay? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqhlQfXUk7w

DAY 14 (9:55) In between departures and arrivals. Pick a point A and B. Take the longest, most idiotic, inefficient, scenic, and/or boring route to get there, and getting there is optional. Naps are encouraged, maps are not.

DAY 13

(8:00)

On tectonic plates, succumbing to resistance, and making mountains: push through, shift against contact, and wait for your muscles to get really tired.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjkyMqVFvRg

DAY 12

(3:33)

White noise dances, repetition without development, and wallpaper.Repeat until you confront a new reality of repetitive repetition.Stop and notice what’s missing.http://ceciliaparedes.net/?page_id=65

DAY 11

(6:33)

Cynical ideology, dedications, and dances to Beethoven’s 9th.Dedicate your dance to anyone excluded from ‘brotherhood, humanity, and togetherness’.In your dedication, include ‘TO’ and ‘FROM’ sections in your choreographic score

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCigxByRcNo

DAY 10

(3:43)

Wasted on the Gravitron, pukeness, and public disorientation. Spin out and lose all of your axis. Centripetal force keeps stuff inside your swinging bag. Throw your liver out the back door.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tB4xFSiNqvU

DAY 9

(7:00)

Body-kindness, fragility, and taking care: Homeopathic dances for new age crystal healing, or subsidy for expensive vitamins. A dance that moves just enough, only operates on transfers, rides thermals, and emerges on passive exhales and recoil.

http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2012/11/meditations-positive-residual-effects/

DAY 8

(1:11)

Vertical dances that take down buildings.The elevator only goes up, force normal rules.Look up, feel down. Embrace the ceiling in every way.Hanging upside down, off the bottom of the earth.

http://twentytwowords.com/2012/10/13/upside-down-people-pose-for-right-side-up-portraits-11-pictures

DAY 7

(any duration)

Weirdos: spectrum dances of too much or too little.Change time and space ratios. Stand too close, speak at uncomfortable volumes, use flailing gestures, see fewer things for longer than usual.A really long dance in a really small space, or long hugs.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2010/03/awkward-situation-survival-guide.html

DAY 6 

(a day early)(5:11)

On continuity, flow, texture compatibility, and making an entrance.Anti-resistance dances that screw oppression and vote for horizontal structures.Work it in super luxe slippy socks. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peJWE9nY0NI

DAY 5

(1:34)

Visual signals across distances, emergency communication, and safety tips for sea navigation or rave parties.Dance the semaphore, march it ouuuwt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKQpy107yUY

DAY 4

(0:29)Something to do with chronophotography, pixelation, and crappy jpgs.Change each movement before a clear picture of it can be captured. Let the rate of change exceed the rate of recognition.

https://vimeo.com/60169112

DAY 3

(2:15)

Noticing patterns/ 90’s screen savers / The Mandelbrot Set: Maintain a movement pattern. Change its scale, but keep the pattern identical.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9G6uO7ZHtK8&list=PL70D5F39E3EFE6136

DAY 2 

(2:00)

Change your vision (physical or otherwise). Blur it, interrupt it, let your hair/wig hang over your eyes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSsyGRJXfM0

DAY 1

(2:23)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=To39sfLShv4

Perspective and subtle activism: put your fists in the air, punch, toss, kick. Fighting is movement, and movement is dancing, but definitions are not always interchangeable.(Remember: this is just a choreographic suggestion, use it how you like. Interpretations and noncompliance are encouraged)

[brief-creation]

Rules: answer 30 28 questions then tag 20 people you'd like to know better

tagged by the brilliant @sure-as-eggs (thanks btw, I was giddy to see my name after I finished reading your thing, surprised me and prbly made my morning)

<p>1. Nicknames: honestly I don’t have any friends to give me nicknames. However, my childhood nickname was Roo (like from Winnie the Pooh, because I was bouncy we loved tigger). My actual name is Marley though! (I think) /yes like the dog<br>

2. Gender: female? <br>

3. Star sign: Taurus ♉<br>

4. Height: 5'0"<br>

5. 6:44 PM <br>

6. Birthday: April, 30th (allegedly) /fun fact, this is also the day Hitler died<br>

7. Favorite bands: I usually have favorite songs rather than favorite bands,,,, Imagine Dragons, Fall Out Boy, Arctic Monkeys, Flat Sound, Queenand probably many others <br>

8. Favorite Solo Artists: I listen to a lot of P!nk (recently), Frank Sinatra, Ed Sheeran, Bon Jovi, uhhh,,, Sam Smith, Taylor Swift (recently) Marina and the Diamonds,,,idk,, yeah OH RICHARD WALTERS DEF<br>

9. Song stuck in my head: I’m listening to music rn so this is sorta hard, but I hard Secrets by Pink stuck in my head earlier. Now I’m all about Toms Diner tho.<br>

10: Last movie I watched: fuck uhh,,,, I think Princess in the Frog but I watch a lot of tv so that might not be accurate. (random movie related, I’m playing to do a batman / marvel movie marathon in a couple days when I’m on break, I’m super excited). <br>

11: Last show I watched: lmao no idea I jump around too much. Probably Gotham, Girl Boss, or something else honestly who knows (hey recommend me some shows to watch I need something). <br>

12. When did I create my blog: who,,, who knows man, , not me. Probably sophomore year. But I had another tumblr before this <br>

13. What do I post: on this blog? Although it’s my main blog, it’s my junk blog. All my other blogs are themed and have certain things that are reblogged to them (I have a compulsive need to be so organized, everything needs to have a place), this blog is for the leftover things the don’t fit in my blogs; mainly memes, animals, and neat stuff. But whatever really. <br>

14. The last thing I googled: good question, one sec; lyrics to Tom’s Diner (an aforementioned song, I heard Robin Lord Taylor singing it and I wanted to know what song it was so I looked up the lyrics he is singing). However have 38+ other tabs open bcs I am an animal. </p><p>

15. Any other blogs: lol, yeppp. A lot. Too many really. I don’t necessarily use them all either. My Gotham one is my most actively, constantly using that one. Then this on I’d second most used, then the positivity one, then so forth. I honestly basically have a blog for most everything. (my personal-personal blog is beforethelion, I haven’t updated for a terribly long while but I plan to start using it again verrrry soon for photography, poems, videos, art, like basically whatever Im doing that day;; so like self promo I guess lmao)</p><p>

16. Do I get asks: nope, neverr. however I leave them to others all the time. I genuinely enjoy complimenting people and spreading a good vibe. </p><p>

17. Why I chose my URL: for this blog, I just liked these two words so I put them together, then voila. But for my beforethelion one I actually have a significant reason, but if I were to talk about it I would ramble and make this thing 10x longer than it needs to be (like it already is) so I won’t explain. But if anyone does wanna know my ask box is open 😉as for my others, about half have reasons and half are aesthetic </p><p>

18. Following: 1880

19. Followers: 241 for this one, 33 for my Gotham one (I weep because I want to be more part of and involved with the fandom but;; I don't know how to like do that''' I can't engage, ,,, then beforethelion has 54 (simultaneously surprised and disappointed)</p>

20. Average hours of sleep: depends if I'm having "issues". Lately I have been so not very much, but majority of the time I have my full 8 hours

21. Lucky number ugh

22. Instruments: trying to grasp the piano, played saxophone in middle school, own 3 guitars but just don't

23. What am i wearing: black pajama bottoms and a marble tee ;))

24. Dream job: fuck.. Actor tbh but like yeah. Currently attending a career center because I wanted to be an animator/film developer buttt the entertainment industry is a mess. Love love to be a surgeon not school is expensivvvee and what if I suck. So I've lowered my goals to history professor (college grade is the dream but I might end up settling for high school).

25. Dream trip: god,,, I never travel oh,, honestly actually probably New York. I'd love to leave America and indulge km another culture and land of course but god, new york. I gotta go.

26. Favorite food: im hungry right now so, everything.

27. Nationality: American

28. Favorite song right now: no, no, no-nonon, we are not doing this, no. I,, have a lot of music. Whenever I see a song title/lyrics/artirst/whatever or hear something that's interesting I just gotta screen shot it/ write it down. I do this a lot (I screenshot other people's answer to this if that says anything). So I have a good amount of music I need to listen to. So t the end of the day I try to listen to a good chunk of it. Whenever I like one of the new songs, I save it. On average I approximately add 10ish songs every day. It's a lot of music,,,,, I refuse

Okayokayokay,, finally, here we are: the end. I was soso happy to be nominated for one of these things. I never pay attention to my existence/acknowledge myself/ever talk about myself/ever talk to anyone/ever talk/ever have done one of these before :) So really it was a lot of fun. I'd like to nominate people but, all my mutuals are on my Gotham blog and god, can you imagine that : engaging.

[singingunderthecurtain]

Together For Real (ChanyeolxYOUxKris) Mini Series 4

Mini Masterlist

Picture not mine, found everything on Google

Author: @julietsoddeye AU: Canon/EXO Universe Genre: Angst | Fluff Pairing: Chanyeol x Reader x Kris Trigger Warning: Distrust, Feeling of Betrayal, basically some angsty stuff. Word Count: 2,021

Plot: You, an EXO manager, developed a dangerous relationship with Kris and one day he suddenly left EXO and it left you devastated. For some reason, you found yourself being in a relationship again with one of the boys. And it’s Park Chanyeol.You set boundaries with him, but he shamelessly breaks all the rules making you want to run away.

October, 2016

Channie: Hey Bae. ♥ (Seen 00:34)

You: Really? Chanyeol, really? (Seen 00:35)

Channie: Isn’t that what kids say nowadays? :P I luv you bae! ♥ (Seen 00:36)

Channie: Hey! (Seen 00:37)

Channie: YAH! (Seen 00:39)

You: What?! (Seen 00:40)

Channie: What r u doing? (Seen 00:44)

You: UGH! I’m trying to sleep it’s almost 1 AM. (Seen 00:45)

Channie: Don’t sleep yet. I’m on my way home now. (Seen 00:46)

And by home, he meant your very small apartment. You didn’t reply to his text anymore since you know he’ll still go to you no matter what. Chanyeol has been going home to you for a year now. Almost every single night and day, unless he’s really busy. By now half of his wardrobe is in your house, which pisses you off tremendously because you have no more space for your own clothes.

Your relationship is limit-free, but not exclusive. You told him he’s free to go and date anyone he wants, he told you that you’re the only one he needed. And you, on the other hand, tried dating a few times, which pisses Chanyeol off a lot but he can’t do anything about it or you’ll get angry at him. No one stood out though. All of the guys you dated were either too boring or too strange for you so you just stopped trying altogether.

You’re still young anyway; you decided to just enjoy Chanyeol’s company while he’s still into you. You’ll never know when he’ll get tired and be done with your bullshit and finally leave you for a much deserving girl, and he could have anyone he wants. He’s Park Chanyeol; any girl will die to be loved by him.

You know you’re hurting Chanyeol but you don’t know why you keep doing it. He’s a really nice guy, a much nicer lover than Kris will ever be if you were being honest with yourself. He treats you well, gives you flowers and showers you with gifts, hugs and kisses, and love, he’s great in bed and not to mention he lasts very long and lets you finish first. A gentleman through and through.

You find it really weird that he keeps taking your shit though and is okay with it. Maybe he’s a masochist who gets off with you being a fucking jerk to him. Or maybe he’s gone crazy with his line of work and lack of sleep so he lets you treat him badly.

As you were slowly drifting off to sleep, mind in drowsy shambles, you hear the code of the door’s digital lock was being pressed indicating Chanyeol’s return. You shake your head and scratch your eyes to wake your mind up.

“Hey, are you still up?” Chanyeol spoke gingerly as he closes the door softly to not make a loud sound if ever you’re asleep.

“I’m still awake.” You say as you stood up from the bed you share with Chanyeol meeting him halfway, greeting him with a warm and tight hug. You give Chanyeol affection from time to time because he deserves it and he never fails to grin with his stupidly cute face whenever you give him the time of day.

“I have to show you something.” Chanyeol excitedly squeaks as he drops his bag and scoops you up in his arms, jumping on the bed with you yelping and giggling silently. You both bounce up and down on the mattress and he gives your lips the biggest and wettest kiss ever.

“What is it?” You yawned as you ask.

“My collaboration with Far East Movement is finally out.” Chanyeol flashes you his pearly whites as he fish for his phone in his sweatpants pocket.

“Oh wow, let’s hear it.” You yawn again and closes your eyes.

“Don’t sleep!” He complains, with the same aegyo he shows you whenever he doesn’t get what he wanted.

“I’m not sleeping, just closing my eyes.” You say with another yawn, opening your eyes again to see him staring at you.

“It’s okay we can watch it together tomorrow if you’re really sleepy.” Chanyeol smiles as he attempts to turn off his phone but you stop his actions with your hands.

“Let’s watch it now.” You insist and he complies. The song started with a smooth voice of a woman who you recognized as Tinashe and your mouth drops a little bit and a smile crept across your lips. You like Tinashe a lot and Chanyeol knows it.

“Oh my gosh Tinashe, really? “ You say excitedly and Chanyeol’s Cheshire Cat grin widens. “Did you meet her by any chance?” You asked enthusiastically as you tighten your cling on Chanyeol’s torso with your legs intertwined together with his; inhaling his oddly comforting scent of fused sweat, laundry detergent, and cologne.

“Sadly, I did not.” Chanyeol answers and you purse your lips into a pout.

Out of habit, his hands start caressing your back into tranquilizing motions making you relax even more. Both the warmness of your body heat and the soothing music he’s playing for you was slowly lulling you to sleep. You weren’t sure if you finished the song or not, but you wake up a couple of hours later with Chanyeol silently snoring. His face nuzzling on your chest, arms and legs gripping securely around your whole body. You absentmindedly smile and caresses his head of hair soothingly making him shift slightly in his sleep and to bury his face in your chest even more.

A few days later you remember to listen to the song again and as the song progresses, Chanyeol’s verse finally came.

Love is a high, we feelin' alive, you Lovin’ the size, you ride this flow I give you more you feelin’ the flow, you never let none of them bring down the vibe Hustle to win, we be livin’ in sin, making us two of a kind New road, babe we got temples to build Ain’t no haters can step to our grind We got that empire mind, Together slowly, let’s climb up (That be freal) A moment with sincerity  Try to feel it, close your eyes (That be freal) You be the bank on my side, nothing but dimes Let’s make a deal, Gradually feel, dream and reality  If you hold my hand, together freal

______

The song was on repeat for the whole day as you do chores. It was your day off from work and Chanyeol was not around to distract you so you took advantage of it and did some laundry and clean up a little bit around your small but cozy apartment.

November, 2016

It was a very slow day at work, it was only one in the afternoon but it felt like you were in the office for more than 8 hours already. Your boss was on a business trip overseas and you can slack off if you want but you chose to do some paper works instead because you didn’t want new projects to overwhelm you in the next few weeks. Some of your coworkers were dicking around the office, some weren't even present, probably out and about doing personal stuff. While you, on the other hand, was being a fucking awesome office employee that you are. You know you will be laughing at your colleagues in the next week to come, hustling and cramming with work when your boss gets back.

“Have you heard that new Kris Wu song?” You overheard one of the interns say, making you stop your typing. You aren’t surprised about hearing his name anymore since the interns talk about EXO and the three estranged members a lot in the break room during lunch hours. One particular girl is obsessed with Chanyeol and she didn’t even know that her trainer, a.k.a you, was her precious Oppa's real-life lover.

“I haven’t yet!” The other intern says.

“It’s all in English, I don’t really understand much but it sounded really cool.” She reiterates.

“What’s the title of the song?” The other asks.

“July. It’s weird I don’t even understand why it’s July.” The mention of that month made you freeze in place. Because that was your birth month. Goosebumps suddenly prickles the skin of the nape of your neck, a cold and sharp pang shoots right at your chest all of a sudden.

You immediately grab your phone and earbuds, darting towards the door to egress from your department office. You reached for the emergency exit and sat on the stairs as your hands keep trembling. It took you a few minutes before you were calm enough to draw the unlock pattern of your phone.

You click the Youtube app and typed in “Kris Wu July” on the search bar. The page loaded immediately and the first video that pops up shows a thumbnail of Kris wearing a hat with the initials “K W” on the front. You click on the video and the song started with a high pitched techno sounding instrument. His hair was white, looks good on him though, you thought to yourself. And the sight of him, after a lot of years, makes your heart beats fast. It’s not that you weren’t allowed to look up his activities, but you told yourself not to, to help yourself move on from him and his crippling memory. Chanyeol helped a lot by diverting your attention to him and him only.

I've been looking for a reason To have you in my arms Where you wanna be Never had a woman so pure Glad to have you right where you wanna be Talking 'til the morning we don't need any sleep I hate it when you go to work Laying 'til the sun down it feel like a dream I hate it when we go to work You should be here…

Baby, Baby, I Doing what feels right Baby, Baby, now Tell me what you wanna say Show me how you feeling, babe Show me how you feeling, babe

You've been looking for a reason To have me in your arms Where I wanna be Give you what you need and no more Glad to have you right Where you wanna be

Talking 'til the morning we don't need any sleep I hate it when you go to work Laying 'til the sun down it feel like a dream I hate it when we go to work You should be here

Baby, Baby, I Doing what feels right Baby, Baby, now Tell me what you wanna say Show me how you feeling, babe

You know this ain't rocket science Get what you got coming to ya I know what you like You know that I'mma keep it coming uh Something 'bout this Moët got you in the mood Say you got a situation Tell that other guy to move

Easy, I may have to call in work, girl How I'm s’posed to lay this work, girl This shit way too good to function I'm like Jordan when it's crunch time We at Nobu when it's lunch time I'mma get up out your way, girl But only if we spending some time, sometimes

Baby, Baby, I Doing what feels right Baby, Baby, now Tell me what you wanna say Show me how you feeling, babe

Show me how you Show me how you feeling, babe Show me how you feeling, babe

The song ended with the same techno sound with a slow fade. It was a blur and you didn’t exactly know how to react, your whole body was numb from all emotions. You get back to your desk and did your work robotically for the whole day. Thankfully nobody noticed your sudden change in the aura, you were grateful that there was a lack of people in the office that day.

[imagine-ikebukuro]

tagged in a few things

more under the cut!

92 truths meme

Tagged by: @glitzcake​ thank u!

LAST…

[1] Drink: orange juice

[2] Phone call: a friend of mine, annika

[3]Text message: my brother

[4] Song you listened to: this remix, i’m obsessed with it lately!

[5] Time you cried: aw shit, a few days ago? last weekend? idk man

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] Dated someone twice: no

[7] Been cheated on: nope

[8] Kissed someone and regretted it: yup

[9] Lost someone special: kind of? but… more in a sense of drifting apart rather than someone passing away

[10] Been depressed: not diagnosed, but i’m pretty sure my mental health is not at its best at all

[11] Gotten drunk and thrown up: lmao yes and not only once either

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLORS…

[12] grey!

[13] turquoise!

[14] burgundy!

IN THE LAST YEAR…

[15] IN THE LAST YEAR…

[16] fallen out of love: nah

[17] laughed until you cried: pretty sure

[18] found out someone was talking about you: people be talking shit 24/7 and all i gotta say about it: I DON’T CARE AS LONG AS IT’S ABOUT ME

[19] met someone who changed you: mhhhh, no not really

[20] found out who your true friends are: definitely!

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: yeeeaaah? could’ve been in 2015, my sense of time is terrible Dx

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: 90% of people, 5% others are friends i’ve known for several months or years over the internet and 5% are random people or some “celebrities” i found lmao

[23] do you have any pets: no, sadly not ;;

[24] do you want to change your name: i’m fine with my name, tbh!

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: i went to the museum and ate sushi with my family and a few weeks later had a party with my friends

[26] what time did you wake up: today? 8am

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: watching youtube videos

[28] name something you cannot wait for: to finally be accepted to college and not being nervous about applying for university and everything, but have it all sorted out

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: she’s sitting in the same room as me right now

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: if i could go back in time, i would do anything to have my father and i get along properly today

[31] what are you listening to right now: a zelda remix playlist

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: actually, yes, i had a huge crush on someone named tom, he was two classes above me during middle school

[33] something that is getting you nervous: the thought of me getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow, ugh. also, general organization and planning shit, like applying for college, moving out of my hometown, living on my own very soon, being forced to meet new people, all that jazz.

[34] most visited website: i guess tumblr? even though, lately, it’s probably youtube

[35] elementary: 2004 - 2008

[36] high school: graduated last year

[37] college: i can apply for my first semester next week. if i’m accepted, i’ll start going there in fall this year.

[38] hair color: i’m a ginger, so red-brown

[39] long or short hair: short! i cut it into an undercut like almost 2 years ago

[40] do you have a crush on someone: no, i avoid that shit

[41] what do you like about yourself: my eye color?

[42] piercings: i literally got zero piercings, not even on my ears, but i wish i had an industrial piercing and i used to really want flesh tunnels, maybe i’ll get there eventually

[43] blood type: i actually don’t know :^)

[44] nickname: some people call me lilly, some call me li. the villagers in my animal crossing town call me ukeprince, wot

[45] relationship status: married to the neighbour’s cat which i saw from my window and went out for just to pet it about 500 times by now

[46] zodiac sign: virgo!

[47] pronouns: they/them, she/her, he/him

[48] fav tv show: at the moment i’m watching PLL (but i don’t like it at all so rip) my favorite’s gotta be buffy the vampire slayer!

[49] tattoos: none yet

[50] right or left hand: right handed

FIRST…

[51] surgery: i had surgery in my mouth last year and like mentioned above, i’m getting my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow, if that counts

[52] piercing: none

[53] best friend: she’s not even active on tumblr anymore, rip, her name’s lydia though IF YOU READ THIS, THEN HELLO MY BRO

[54] sport: i’m planning to swim regularly again after recovering and healing up from surgery

[55] vacation: if it counts, my first ever “vacation” was the music festival Rock im Park 2013 with my father and a good friend of mine

[56] pair of trainers: no clue

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: nothing

[58] drinking: orange juice

[59] i’m about to: maybe get to playing some loz: botw

[60] listening to: still the loz remix playlist

[61] waiting for: anxious feelings to pass

[62] want: a huge cup of coffee

[63] get married: nopedy nope, i don’t fixate myself on wishing to get married. if it happens, it happens and i’ll be happy about it, but if not, then that’s cool on my terms, too!

[64] career: i’m working on becoming a teacher (i want to teach german, english and ethics in high schools)

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: honestly, it depends, but generally, i’d say hugs

[66] lips or eyes: eyessss

[67] shorter or taller: i don’t care, both is nice

[68] older or younger: as long as it’s pretty close to my age, i don’t mind

[69] romantic or spontaneous: neither LMAO if i had to chose, romantic, bc i’m as spontaneous as a potato, i gotta plan ahead, bruh

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: stomach! and by that i mean any kind of stomach! ripped af or soft, i’m weak.

[71] sensitive or loud: sensitive

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: a nice balance between the two would be cool. let’s be real though, troublemakers always catch my eye, even though i’m quickly annoyed by them just as well wtf is wrong with me

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger?: no

[75] drank hard liquor?: yes

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses?: no wtf i’d be walking around half blind

[77] turned someone down: yes

[78] sex on first date?: no

[79] broken someone’s heart?: apparently so

[80] had your own heart broken?: at the time i think i would’ve called it that, but honestly, it wasn’t that horrible, so nah?

[81] been arrested?: no

[82] cried when someone died?: yeah

[83] fallen for a friend?: do lowkey crushes count in which you gush over how amazing someone is? platonic crushes? it’s a thing.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself?: i used not to, but lately i’m more confident i think!

[85] miracles?: not really

[86] love at first sight?: no

[87] Santa Claus?: no

[88] kiss on the first date?: sure

[89] angels?: no

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name: Lydia

[91] eye color: greyish-green (if i cry or sometimes late at night they’re really GREEN!)

[92] favorite movie: nightmare before christmas!

10 questions ask game.

tagged by @peacefuldesires​ thx!

What things make you smile and all warm-fuzzy inside? CATS no seriously, i can have the worst day, but when i walk home and get to pet a cat on the way, i instantly better. i remember coming home after my last final exam all upset and a cat meowing at me and purring and wanting to cuddle with me and i couldn’t help but smile!

What things make you feel a bit sad (don’t push yourself to answer this one)? my current family situation, there’s a bit of drama and fights going on.

What things inspire you to grow? anything and everything, to be honest. there’s new things you experience and learn every single day. things you conquer and master just fine and mistakes you make and all of them shape you into knowing what to do next time a bit more.

The last song(s) that you couldn’t stop listening to? i can’t really think of anything right now, uhhhh, i’ve been listening to the trust me durarara!! ending lately again haha

5. Are you an introvert/extrovert/ambivert? What kind (are you a shy extrovert, super confident introvert, or perhaps a really confused ambivert :0)?: i’m an introvert through and through. i wouldn’t say i’m exceptionally shy nor super confident. i’m somewhere in between. it really depends, around my friends i’m outgoing and cheering and with certain strangers, especially if i know i have to talk with them for literally no longer than 3 minutes right now (i.e. a cashier or someone you walk past) then i’m polite and rather talkative. i just feel exhausted even after spending a lot of time with friends, though the time was enjoyable, but i need my alone time for sure.

What calms you down? the triangle breath! it’s my favorite method to use whenever i feel anxious, upset, angry, or just need to stop and pause for a few minutes. you picture a triangle in your mind (you can even trace it with your finger, or if you can draw it on a piece of paper). you take a breath in through your nose, tracing one side of the triangle. then you breathe out through your mouth, tracing the second and third side of it. other than that, listening to music, taking a nap, petting a cat, watching videos of cats or other cute stuff, sometimes playing a video game.

A character that you really relate to (perhaps you have similar personalities, or maybe you came from similar backgrounds)?: this is gonna sound trashy, but saeyoung choi from mystic messenger and there’s a story behind it too. my friends were playing it way before me and told me “there’s this character that looks just like you, you know nerd glasses, messy red hair, always wearing a baggy black hoodie. he even acts like you, making puns and using memes ALL THE TIME!” and it’s true lmao. also, kaneki ken to some extent? like i really resonate with his personality, the choices he makes, his thoughts speak to me, he’s pretty harsh on himself and goes through ways that are self destructive if he can help others with it.

One thing you love learning? language, it’s just fascinating to me.

Angst or fluff? ANGST, I AM THE ANGST QUEEN, COME ON

If you punch yourself, does that mean you’re strong or does that mean you’re weak? neither and a little bit of both at the same time. let’s go deep in on this one and take the “punch” as emotional self loathing. bashing yourself down definitely doesn’t mean you’re strong, it doesn’t make you tough at all, it only means you’re harsh on yourself. it doesn’t make you weak either. you’re making yourself believe you are weak, but the fact that you endure that and still have the power to do so, means you’re tougher than you’re think.

MY QUESTIONS:

Now that spring’s here, what’s your favorite thing about this season and what do you not like about it?

What’s your spirit animal? Literally. Which animal do you think resembles your inner self and why? (maybe your Patronus, if you know it?

What’s your go-to order at a café?

Do you consider yourself to be creative?

If you could go back in time and change something, would you? If so, what? If not, why?

Where do you see yourself in 20 years from now?

Home sweet home, what makes you feel comfortable in your own home? What’s the overall aesthetic of your room, any colors, textures, an atmosphere, do you maybe keep many stuffed animals or posters or plants?

What do you think is most important when it comes to friendship?

What’s something you improved in since last year?

Werewolves or Vampires, which are cooler?

I tag: @imagine-your-party-hosts​ || @obsessivefujoshi​ || @dotaccino​ || @mollyxmousey​ || anyone who wants to do this

[toomanysurveys9]

don’t need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo.

What’s your favourite cereal?

lately, reese puffs.

Is there a bus stop near your house?

just for the high school and whatnot.

Do you prefer red wine or white wine?

i like moscato. i don’t know what that’s considered.. i’m not into wine that much and it’s the only one i’ve ever tried.

What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there?

i don’t remember. the last time i went to an airport, it was with jake’s family to pick up one of his cousins.

Who do you live with?

grandparents and jake. plus phe, cocoa, and tia (my grandparents’ cat).

Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like?

i don’t read reddit.

Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend?

i’ve lost a few friends, yeah.

What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside?

it is too damn cold. high was twelve degrees today. so i mostly stayed in unless i had to.

Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently?

not super recently. i know a handful of people, myself included, who are pregnant and will be having babies over the next several months.

Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down?

i haven’t written anything today.

What does your last text message say and who is it from?

jon (my brother) sent me a picture of this lip stuff he likes.

Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favourite film?

i cannot.

When was the last time you ate marshmallows?

i had smores at jake and mine’s bachelor/bachelorette party.

Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them?

i do not.

How old will you be in the year 2030?

i don’t want to think that far ahead. >.<

Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from?

it bruises pretty easily, yeah. i don’t think i have any currently but i could be wrong.

What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on?

bills.

Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions?

i prefer open-ended because they’re more interesting to answer.

What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy?

great value or scott.

If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptable dressed?

i actually am because we went to the store to get birthday gifts for kayla’s kiddos cos we’re going to their birthday party tomorrow.

Why did you leave your last job?

clients were getting violent and management didn’t want to do anything. i had recently found out i was pregnant, otherwise i wouldn’t have cared, and they knew i was as well.

What colour were the last socks you wore?

i’m wearing two mix-matched socks that are multiple colors.

Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study?

i am not. i graduated last april with my b.a. in psychology. i minored in criminal justice.

Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying?

i have not.

What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?

jacob being silly.

What’s your favourite scent of air freshener?

i don’t know. i don’t really have one. i don’t use air freshners really.

How many weddings have you ever been to?

at least three?

Do you know anyone named Nora?

i do not.

Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi?

i don’t like people touching my feet. and i’m generally not into manicures unless i have something special going on. which is rare. so i’m good, honestly.

When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play?

last monday. played head bands. i know that’s not how the game spells it, but yeah.

How old were you when you first became sexually active?

first time i chose to.. i was fifteen. i think.

Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other type of alcohol?

i have not.

Do you own a record player and/or vinyls?

nope.

When was the last time you went out for drinks?

it was awhile before i found out i was pregnant. we didn’t go out for drinks much once we moved in here with my grandparents.

Have you ever been to a strip club?

i have not, nor do i ever want to.

Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’?

possibly?

Would you ever wear real authentic leather?

not likely.

Have you taken out the trash today?

no. it didn’t need it.

How often do you wear make-up?

very, very rarely.

What’s your opinion on The Simpsons?

i will occasionally watch it but it’s not often.

Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes?

i don’t really wear stripes..

Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce?

yeah.

If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving?

nope. i would rather drive than take a taxi.

Have you ever done a juice cleanse?

i have not.

Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not?

not that i can think of?

Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a clean out?

it’s not too bad. but i’ll probably clean it soon. i want to get the entire house nice and clean, but finding the actual energy to get it done is rough.

When was the last time you washed the dishes?

the other day. usually my grandparents do it. i do everything else.

Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis?

nope.

Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in?

nope. most places offer free parking.

What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache?

drink more water. lay down. i don’t like taking pain meds much.

Tell me about your responsibilities at work.

i’m not working currently.

Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you?

not generally, no.

Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese?

no..

Do your parents know how to operate smartphones and/or computers?

yeah. my dad is better with those things, but my mom is learning.

How old are your parents, anyway?

42 and 44.

Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them?

grass. i can’t mow or be outside when people are.. although i generally ignore that.

What song is stuck in your head at the moment?

none.

What’s your boss’ first name? Do you call him/her by that name?

not working.

When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What colour was it?

high school. i don’t remember.

Did you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after?

this is the first one today. and possibly.

Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size?

yup.

What’s your favourite kind of bread?

whole grain white i guess.

When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get?

we had homemade pizza on new year’s eve. we had several different ones and they were delicious.

Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version?

i know we have it, but it’s not mine. it is my parents’ game. the original.

What was the last thing you said out loud?

i don’t remember.

You have to choose one: cats or dogs?

that’s a tough decision.. i can’t pick.

How do you travel to and from work?

i don’t work right now..

Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why?

card. i rarely have any amount of cash on me.

Have you ever been to a stadium concert?

i don’t think so.. i don’t think that the ed sheeran concert was at a stadium, and i know no others before that one were either.

[vida-amour]

ehh

MASSIVE ASK POST (+100)

1. favorite season? Autumn

2. prettiest thing u own? My pc

3. do u prefer to be outside or inside? Inside

4. furthest ever traveled? Florida

5. what’s your aesthetic in 3 words? I don’t think I have one

6 favorite gemstone? opal, sapphire

7 best thing about yourself, in your opinion- I am relatively accepting. 

8 best thing about yourself, in other’s opinion- My boyfriend said I am honest. 

9 what’s your weirdest fear?- The drain in my bathtub

10 weirdest dream you’ve ever had?- There were roaches all over an abandon house

11 go-to hiding place- bathroom

12 favorite place in your house- Living room

13 earliest memory- Christmases with all of my siblings

14 do you believe in ghosts?- yes

15 favorite sea creature?- Seahorse (until I found out theyre not the size of dogs)

16 cold showers or hot baths?- Hot bath

17 satin or lace? Lace

18 gold or silver? Silver

19 hoops or pearl earrings? Hoops

20 aesthetic song- Imported- Jessie Reyez

21 top 5 songs-  Jessie Reyez- Apple juice, Imported, Figures, Great One. Chance the rapper- We go high, hey ma, sun come down. Mac Miller- Anything by him// Also anything that comes out of Billie Eilish’s mouth

22 favorite time of the day? Night

23 favorite part of your body? My butt, maybe. I like my eye color too. 

24 do you drink alcohol? Nope

25 dream job from when u were a kid- Teacher

26 messy or clean? Clean

27 tea or coffee? Neither

28 favorite book- Perks of being a Wallflower

29 zodiac sign? Libra

30 extrovert or introvert? Introvert

31 celebrity crush? Billie Eilish

32 early bird or night owl? Night Owl

33 do you believe in love at first sight? Yeah

34 favorite book quote-  “It's much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit their and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.” ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

And here you are living, despite it all. - Milk and Honey

I have 10000000s of book quotes but cant think of them all. 

35 three wishes you have- To be happy, to lose weight and love my body, to be with my boyfriend forever  

36 do you believe in magic? Yes

37 do you believe in soulmates? Yes

38 zoo or aquarium? Zoo

39 cats or dogs? Both

40 how many languages do you speak? One

41 how has your life changed from last year? I have grown to realize that not everyone is who they pretend to be. I have moved into my own place, and I am learning to be myself. 

42 why do you have your name/url? I chose it in highschool, It means Love life.

43 do you keep secrets? how well? Yes, very well. 

44 favorite animal- Raccoon/Giraffe

45 what is love to you? Love is acceptance, patience, understanding, affection, and attention. 

46 future children name? Not sure yet

47 favorite color- I love all colors, I lean toward pinks and yellows.

48 favorite movie- Perks of being a Wallflower. 

49 cuddles or kisses? Both.

50 if you could have any person in the world over for dinner, who would be? Billie Eilish, Ellen, Alana Arbucci

51 someone to bring back from the dead- My pap

52 lipstick or lipgloss? Gloss

53 are you street smart or book smart? Both I think

54 your biggest strength- My ability to see the good in everyone (Also my biggest weakness.)

55 favorite sport- Hockey

56 favorite drink? Water

57 favorite winter activity- Watching movies

58 last time you went abroad- Never

59 favorite dessert- Chocolate Chip Cookies

60 favorite artist- Mac Miller, Juice Wrld, Jessie Reyez, Billie Eilish, Chance the Rapper

61 favorite singer/band- ^^

62 favorite dancing song- Feels like home- Bea Miller/Jessie Reyez, Jessie Reyez- Great One, Journey- Don’t stop believing 

63 favorite crying song- Good News - Mac Miller rn

64 do you wear glasses? Yes

65 first thing you do when you wake up- Check the time

66 how long do u usually sleep for? 5-6 hours

67 one thing you lost and you want back- Self esteem 

68 biggest fear- Stink bugs

69 favorite carnival ride- I normally dont ride any of them

70 do u have birthmarks or scars? both

71 favorite childhood memory- Making up dances with my friends and showing them to our parents.

72 what do u think about during a storm? How scary thunder is

73 one word to describe your life? Stressful but full of love

74 craziest thing ever done- Decided randomly to get on a plane when I was 18

75 do u have piercings or tattoos? Ears pierced, and belly button

76 favorite flower- Lillie's of the valley, bleeding hearts

77 do u have any pets? A dog

78 describe your style- Sweatpants often

79 choose one thing to change about yourself- My weight, and nose

80 do u play any musical instruments? nope

81 if your life was a movie would it be a comedy, a rom-com, action film or drama? Drama

82 do u prefer dark, dramatic makeup or natural makeup? All Makeup!!

83 favorite perfume- none really

84 biggest fandom- none

85 favorite YouTuber(s)- Sara K, Alana Arbucci, Cody Ko, Noel Miller, Savannah Brymer, Tati Westbrook, Andrea Russet

86 OTP- None

87 country, state where you were born- US

88 your parent’s name- ---

89 favorite snack- Chocolate Chips

90 pasta or pizza- Pizza

91 pen or pencil- Pencil

92 blue or black ink- Black

93 paper books or electronic books? Paper

94 history or geography? History

95 pastel or neon- Neon

97  soap or body wash- Soap

98  conditioner, no conditioner, or 2 in 1 shampoo & conditioner- Conditoner

99 singing in the shower or not- Yes

100  listen to music while bathing or silence- Silence

101  blow dry, towel dry, or air dry your hair- Air dry

102 morning or night showers? Night

[halfpintkay]

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

Tagged by: @kaspbraakspeaking​

Tagging: @redemptivexheroics​, @huntresscaraquinn​, I’m breaking a rule here but if you want to do this and have me tag you go right ahead.

1. Coke or Pepsi: pepsi 2. Disney or Dreamworks: I kind of like both but I tend to lean more towards Disney 3. Coffee or Tea: coffee 4. Books or movies: books when I have the time an energy to read 5. Windows or Mac: Windows 6. DC or Marvel: DC..although Marvel’s pretty good 7. Xbox or Playstation:  Playstation 8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: I don’t know I haven’t really played either 9. Night owl or early riser: I’m reluctantly an early riser 10. Cards or chess: Cards only because I don’t know how to play chess 11. favorite video game:  The Last of Us 12: Vans or converse: Converse 13. what are you listening too right now:  watching Fuller House on Netflix 14. Fluff or angst: ooh this tough I love both.  15. Beach or forest: beach 16. Dogs or cats: Dogs

17. Clear skies or rain: Clear skies..but I love the sound of rain on my tin roof 18. Cooking or eating out: cooking..I’m slowly learning how to cook different things 19. Spicy food or mild food: Mild...I can’t handle spice much tbh 20. Halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: for movies halloween and for family time Christmas 21. Would you rather be a little too cold or a little too hot: little too hot...I find I can at least work better when I can move my fingers 22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be: probably super speed 23. what song do you identify with the most:  I honestly don’t know so I’m going with my favorite at teh moment which is Cool by the Jonas Brothers 24. favorite superhero:  Superman 25. Baths or showers: shower  26. Team cap or team iron man:  Team Cap  27. Fantasy or sci-fi:  I lean more towards sci-fi I think but then again I tend to get surprised that books I like are considered fantasy (I don’t really stick to a specific genre I just pick up what sounds good or stick to my favorite authors)

28. Do you have three or four favorite quotes?  

“We accept the love we think we deserve” from the Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, 

“I believe it to be a stupid activity but not an illegal one.” From Needful Things by Stephen King, 

 “We are taught to think of personality as a singular, private possession. All the ideas and beliefs and attitudes thst make you you-we are raised to believe them a set of files stored in the lockbox of the brain. Most people have no idea how much of themselves they store off-site. Your personality is not just a matter of what you know about yourself, but what others know about you. You are one person with your mother, and another with your lover, and yet another with your child. Those other people create you-finish you-we much as you create you. When you’re gone, the ones you’ve left behind get to keep the same part of you they always had.” - Joe Hill, The Fireman, 

and   there are many more I could chose from but those are ones I saved in my phone after reading. 

29. Youtube or netflix: Netflix...although if i find good videos on youtube I do tend to get lost in them, currently I’m obsessed with watching Nolan North play Uncharted for the first time.  30. Harry potter or percy jackson: Harry Potter...but I love Percy Jackson as well 31. When you feel accomplished:  Well I feel pretty accomplished now since I’m done with Christmas shopping and almost done wrapping presents 32. Star wars or star trek: Star Wars... I haven’t really watching that much Star Trek tbh 33. Paperback books or hardback books: Paperback because they are usually cheaper but damn I love the way hardbacks look 34. Handwriting or type: Typing...I just hate my hand writing 35. batman or superman: Superman

36. Video games or movies: oon this tough I really like both especially if a video game makes you feel like your playing a movie 37. Would you rather be the dragon or own the dragon: I think I’d rather being a dragon...I’d love a bit too much to horde gold. 38. Learning chinese or learning spanish:  I guess Spanish 39. What is the best concert you’ve been to? Either Backstreet Boys or Jonas Brothers (basically the last two concerts I’ve been too)  40. Would you rather be able to speak every language or be able to talk to animals? I’m gonna go with speak every language. 41. Be front row for your favorite artist and not meet them, or meet them but have lawn seats: Meet and lawn seats. 42. City or countryside: Countryside...I like visiting cities but not to live..                                                                   

43. Would you rather be a mutant, jedi, or wizard? wizard 44. Fried pickles or mozzarella sticks? as much as I like mozzarella sticks I really love fried pickles 45. Vampires or werewolves? werewolves. 46. Pizza or pasta? Pasta.  47. Watching a movie at the cinema with the excitement of its night premiere or wait a few days and watch it later more relaxed? depends on what it is but I love going to the theater and getting popcorn and soda. I tend to go the weekend they are out and go to matinees...tends to be less people during the day

48. What’s one thing most people don’t know about you? I don’t know how many people know that I love musicals and my favorite musical is Rent (But a lot of people know about my obsession with horror) 49. Can you roll your tongue?  No I cannot

50. Any shows that you feel ended too soon or were cancelled just as they were getting good? 

[asksansweredpdf]

1. What is you middle name? haha

2. How old are you? 20

3. What is your birthday? june 27

4. What is your zodiac sign? libra

5. What is your favorite color? red

6. What’s your lucky number? ....i don’t have one that i know, at least

7. Do you have any pets? i have the best cat in the world who has been yelling at me a lot lately, but is still a good boy

8. Where are you from? australia

9. How tall are you? 5″4′

10. What shoe size are you? 8 UK and like a 36 or something 

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? hmmm. sparkly boots, docs, converse, work shoes, black heels, white sneakers, pink velvet sneakers, that’s all i can remember so about 7?

12. What was your last dream about? omg not last night but the night before, i had a dream that my manager asked me to start work at 5:50 am. but for whatever reason it was at a different location, so my favourite co worker and i met up and i paddled across a lake to be there? and i was really tired.

13. What talents do you have? i write a mean essay and lit review and report and shit. fuckin killed it in uni, i can recognise any song in the first like 0.3 seconds of it being played. i’m good at reading people. and not like in an arrogant way, but idk. intuitively, i know a lot about people. i assumed everyone else did until i started telling people what i felt, and they were like “wtf how did you know that about me?”

14. Are you psychic in any way? yeah i read tarot and oracle cards, and pendulums. like i said before, i tend to intuitively know a lot about people. like can tell when they don’t want to talk, or when they’re mad. even when it’s obvious to me and no one else. my dad can read palms but refuses to teach me how for whatever reason. so that’s next on my list

15. Favorite song? at the moment, either in the lap of the gods revisited (queen), or supersonic rocket ship (the kinks)

16. Favorite movie? at the moment, thor ragnarok, or iron man 3

17. Who would be your ideal partner? someone kind. and someone funny and lighthearted. who can make me laugh. literally, that’s all i value. (i guess the bar is low huh - you’d be surprised that i haven’t found a single person to fit that criteria). if i’m being picky, maybe someone who shares the same interests as me - as in, we like the same movies or music or whatever. that’s not too important but would be nice.

18. Do you want children? nah. i haven’t for 20 years. but if i ever get to a place where i do, i plan on adopting a 10+ year old child. that way, i can reason with them and have someone who i can talk to better. and i can give help to someone who could probably really use it. 

19. Do you want a church wedding? ew god no

20. Are you religious? not at all

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? yeah haha. once for an operation when i was 9 months, and one when i was like 19 for vomiting 

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? i don’t think so

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? nah

24. Baths or showers? showers if i’m not depressed, baths if im anxious

25. What color socks are you wearing? i’m not wearing socks

26. Have you ever been famous? i was like a celebrity at my high school, but no not really. 

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? i would cherish every second of it. it’s al i dream about

28. What type of music do you like? literally anything that’s good

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? nope

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? just the one

31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my side with my legs tucked in

32. How big is your house? 3 bedroom

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? tea and cookies, paronthe if i’m feeling fancy and have time. eggs on toast if i have work through lunch hours and won’t get a break

34. Have you ever fired a gun? no, but i’ve held one

35. Have you ever tried archery? yeah at a school camp

36. Favorite clean word? idk shenanigans i guess

37. Favorite swear word? fuck

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 24 hours

39. Do you have any scars? yeah, but i’ve answered this before i think

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? i have actually. i think it’s been like only 2 or 3 when i was in school

41. Are you a good liar? exceptionally

42. Are you a good judge of character? i would have said yes, even a year ago. but i definitely am not. or i am and choose to ignore it

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? nope

44. Do you have a strong accent? nah. not even a strong australian accent. unless im at work for some reason

45. What is your favorite accent? australian

46. What is your personality type? intp

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? this $200 corset i bought during venus rx

48. Can you curl your tongue? yep

49. Are you an innie or an outie? innie

50. Left or right handed? righty

51. Are you scared of spiders? absolutely yes

52. Favorite food? chocolate or nandos

53. Favorite foreign food? kadhi

54. Are you a clean or messy person? usually neat, but when my anxiety is bad then i gets messy

55. Most used phrased? “i dont know”

56. Most used word? “yeah”

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? about an hour

58. Do you have much of an ego? i used to think so, but honestly not really

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? suck

60. Do you talk to yourself? all the time

61. Do you sing to yourself? when i’m alone

62. Are you a good singer? not in the slightest

63. Biggest Fear? heights, working thursday nights

64. Are you a gossip? haha yeah

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? pride & prejudice, infinity war. idk what counts as a dramatic movie

66. Do you like long or short hair? short

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? nope

68. Favorite school subject? english, drama, i liked science but had shitty teachers

69. Extrovert or Introvert? introvert

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? nah

71. What makes you nervous? well i have anxiety, so like, everything. but specifically, people being angry at/near me, heights. actually, that’s probably it hey.

72. Are you scared of the dark? nah

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? not unless it’s important to do so. i don’t usually give a shit

74. Are you ticklish? very

75. Have you ever started a rumor? ...not that i can remember. but it sounds like something i’d do

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? i think i was a peer support leader in high school?

77. Have you ever drank underage? haha yeah man

78. Have you ever done drugs? sure

79. Who was your first real crush? omg this guy at school called daniel. he was soooo pretty and smart and he was tanned and had the prettiest green eyes. he was nice to me, but always called me the wrong name and ended up dating my friend later on. but i didn’t mind. i enjoyed admiring him before he dated her haha. then i forced myself not to like him

80. How many piercings do you have? 3

81. Can you roll your Rs?“ yep

82. How fast can you type? pretty fast, but not at work when someone’s watching. the pressure makes me fuck up

83. How fast can you run? not very fast

84. What color is your hair? black

85. What color is your eyes? brown

86. What are you allergic to? kiwi fruit (i eat it anyway)

87. Do you keep a journal? no, but i used to. this blog is the most ‘journal’ thing i’ve had in forever

88. What do your parents do? my mum doesn’t work and does cocaine, my dad is a taxi driver

89. Do you like your age? yeah being 20 is cool. certainly better than being younger.

90. What makes you angry? injustice, people not listening to me, especially when i’m right. people assuming things about me, especially when they’re wrong. people being rude for no reason, people dismissing me, being treated poorly

91. Do you like your own name? i dont give much thought to it

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? nah, i don’t plan on having kids

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? i’ve only ever pictured having a daughter, but i dont really care. having a son would be cool. whatever happens you know

94. What are you strengths? i’ve been trying to answer this question like all year. being at work has really made me feel like i don’t have any strengths. i guess i’m a good listener? i know im respectful of others. i can’t even say i’m kind anymore because i’m actively trying not to be as kind as i used to be. i’m polite. i can be funny when i’m comfortable with the person/don’t give a shit about what they think of me. i’m easy-going. i know i can be charming, but it takes a lot of energy so i have to be feeling not-anxious. i’m socially intelligent, and good at making people feel at ease, and diffusing tense situations. i’m brave

95. What are your weaknesses? god. i’m anxious. all the time. i’m not very articulate. i’m not very smart or good at maths or anything. i tend to be awkward, especially when im anxious which is always. i tend to avoid my problems, instead of facing them head-on

96. How did you get your name? my dad’s sister chose it for me. no one really explained it to me, but there’s this hindu belief or tradition or book or something, where you find out what your child’s name should start with (which letter or sound) based on when they’ll be born. i think it ties into astrology somehow, but again, no one is willing to explain it to me. but yeah, based on that my dad’s sister picked a name that starts with r. and my dad picked the spelling

97. Were your ancestors royalty? noooot per se. according to hindu belief, they were demi gods. and my dad’s mother told me we came from royalty, but i have no source for that, so it’s more an empty claim.

98. Do you have any scars?

99. Color of your bedspread? i’m staying in my parents room, which has a white bedspread

100. Color of your room? the whole house is a rental and has blue walls